#I’m retiring this one because I got a bunch of new ideas

[that-one-loth-cat]

Legacy Post - The Knightwolf AU: Timeline

TLDR: shin and marrok grew up together but got separated for 10 years and are a couple during ahsoka. He comes back after the dusting. They have a redemption arc and settle down somewhere with a tooka to heal.

Notes: At the start of Ahsoka (9ABY), Marrok is 29 and Shin is 27.

>14 BBY

Shin and Marrok both grew up poor on a planet in the outer rim. They got lucky and found or stole or made the money to send Marrok off world to an imperial academy. The plan was that, once he had graduated and made enough money, he would come back for her and their families.

He got picked up by the inquisitor program, but his family was told he was killed in some sort of accident. Everyone was devastated, but life had to go on.

1 BBY - 3 ABY

Baylan found Shin at 17 and she went to train with him. She sent portions of what they earned as mercenaries home to her and Marrok’s families when she could.

4 ABY

Marrok ran into Baylan and Shin after being seriously injured while fleeing the fall of the empire. He stayed with them for about a week or two until he was healed. It had been almost 10 years, so he and Shin didn’t recognize each other.

Stuff happened. Marrok left to go do his own thing but bumped into them a few more times. He started working as a mercenary.

He and Shin weren’t quite close friends, but they would check up on each other every so often over the next year or so. Something felt.. familiar about the other. But they didn’t know how to explain it and never brought it up.

If Baylan and Shin were not already working for Morgan Elsbeth full time, they begin doing so during this year. They still took other jobs, but she always had work for them and she always paid the best.

5 ABY

Marrok was looking for work and Baylan introduced him to Morgan.

After a trial period, Morgan had Marrok sign a contract with some very fine print. She used some sort of Force power to make him “resistant to death” and to strengthen him physically. (He had chronic pain due to nerve damage from that injury.) In return, he would “serve her.” He quickly learned that meant literal headaches if he deliberately disobeyed her, but he didn’t find out what “resistant to death” meant until later.

Morgan did not reveal that she was a nightsister until Ahsoka. Marrok had no idea how she did what she did and his research afterwards wasn’t turning up much.

Marrok and Shin’s skill sets complimented each other’s, and they were frequently assigned on missions together. They became close friends.

They obtained a space Wii. Shin was very competitive when it came to Mario Kart

Time passed. There was a late night “let’s talk about our pasts” bonding session, and they finally realized who the other was. There was a lot of crying. They were basically attached at the hip for a while afterwards.

6 ABY

They fell in love at some point in the first half of the year. It was absolutely adorable.

Shin had a near death experience and Marrok promised her forever if she’d just stay alive. She got better and they had a conversation about it. They agreed they were officially together. (They were basically already partners anyway, but the experience prompted them to actually talk about it instead of just vibing)

Marrok died for the first time. They were on a mission and something went wrong, but he woke up a few hours later at Morgan’s home base. Huh. Guess that’s what “death resistant” meant.

7 ABY

Morgan and Marrok got into a disagreement and she held the fact that his life was in her hands over his head. Marrok and Shin started quietly trying to figure out how to break his enchantment without permanently killing him.

I’m calling it an enchantment here for simplicity’s sake. They don’t know what to call it because they don’t even know what it is.

Marrok began to notice that his body was a tad less corporeal than it should’ve been. He started dropping things occasionally. Every once in a while, Shin’s hair would fall through his fingers unless he was thinking about it.

They finally had enough money to help their families move. Marrok wasn’t ready to see them yet, so Shin went alone. He gave her a pre-recorded message to give to his mom. It let her know he was alive, he didn’t chose to fake his death or to leave, he wasn’t ready to come home or explain what happened, he was safe now, and he still loved her and his dad. (and also that they owed Shin’s parents whatever they’d jokingly bet on them getting together someday when they were younger)

Marrok had a whole angst train when it came to his family. He’d done awful things, but Shin had too so he wasn’t ashamed around her. But them? He’d left. He hadn’t come back. He’d grown up to be someone he was sure his parents would hate. It was one of the things he’d had to bury in order to sleep at night. The inquisitor program had messed him up real hard, and his life with his family felt a whole other world away.

Shin and Marrok had gathered a list of Force traditions whose depictions were similar to whatever Marrok remembered Morgan doing.

The outlook wasn’t great. Most of the cultures that practiced these traditions had disappeared or been destroyed in the last 30 years. Primary research would be difficult.

Nightsisters were on the list. They were hoping that wasn’t them because what little info they could find was old and contradictory. Much like irl info on nightsisters 🤠 (give me the secrets cowboy hat man 😫)

8 ABY

They were getting desperate enough to start taking turns snooping around Morgan’s spaces. Research was still going slowly. They did figure out that Marrok’s soul was connected to one of Morgan’s crystals though.

They ended up at a point where they knew that Morgan knew that they wanted to break the enchantment. She kept the crystal poorly hidden. It would’ve been easy to steal but they didn’t know what to do with it or if Morgan could cancel the enchantment—and kill Marrok—from a distance. Shin swore she was taunting them.

Marrok died a second time and came back visibly transparent. Almost everything phased through him now unless he was wearing it. He didn’t seem to need to eat or sleep anymore. He started wearing his armor almost full time because it was easier for him to concentrate on making it interact with stuff than himself.

It was becoming obvious that Marrok didn’t have a lot of lives left. They’d been trying to break his enchantment for almost 2 years and had made little progress. Marrok still had some hope, but was preparing himself to say goodbye. Shin was absolutely in denial. They were going to figure it out. They had to.

Morgan had them busier than ever. They started having less and less time to devote to researching his enchantment. They didn’t know it yet, but the latter stages of the plan to bring back Thrawn were now in motion

9 ABY

Ahsoka captured Morgan and Shin and Baylan went on the mission to free her.

Episodes 1-4 of Ahsoka happened.

Morgan was having the time of her life being all cryptic and mysterious. Marrok wanted a nap. Baylan was glad they made bank working for her, because listening to her antagonize his daughter Shin at every opportunity would not have been worth it otherwise. Shin was fuming that after all this time Morgan just casually admitted what type of magic she uses and started performing it in front of them. They could have spent the last 2 years looking into nightsisters, maybe found an excuse to slip away to dathomir, but nooo they were breaking into academic libraries and playing nice with village elders to hear old wive’s tales.

When Ahsoka cut his armor in half, Marrok disappeared into a cloud of smoke. This hadn’t happened before. Shin was shocked but didn’t have any time to think about it because she was busy with Sabine. He didn’t show up for a while, and once the adrenaline wore off Shin thought he was well and truly dead. He came back as barely more than a shadow. It was a rough night. [Link to post]

Marrok wasn’t able to make himself show up super consistently and she hadn’t learned how to recognize his new force signature yet. The first few weeks after ep 4 were really angsty.

Post Episode 6

At the time of writing this, episodes 6 and on have not yet aired. I’ve got some ideas for what happens post canon, though I may eventually develop an alternate timeline that better fits what happens in the show.

Marrok embraces his ghost era and pokes around Morgan’s stuff whenever she’s gone. He finds a few key bits of information that become important later.

Marrok and Shin have redemption arcs. Shin apologizes to Sabine for stabbing her. And choking her. And taking her prisoner. It’s super awkward but Sabine appreciates it.

Ezra and Sabine settle down together on Lothal, and absolutely no one is surprised when they’re married before the year is out.

Shin and Marrok do eventually find a way to safely fix his enchantment.

Ezra and Marrok become total bros, but Sabine and Shin are still working through their issues with each other. They agree not to actually try to kill each other anymore, but they still end up fighting in a space-Dennys parking lot like once a month for a while.

The “everything all at once” era begins.

slaps the roof of the metaphorical knightwolf car: “these two can fit so much trauma in them” 🤠

for real though, nothing bad happens to them in this time. They’re just safe and stable for the first time.. ever. So now it’s time to process all that, and even with good professional help that’s going to be messy.

Also Marrok is dealing with chronic pain again now that his body isn’t magically buffed, which is never a good time. He’s in and out of surgery a lot for the first year or two.

Marrok brings home a completely black tooka. Shin is 100% that person who doesn’t want a pet but turns into a cat mom after 2 weeks.

It takes a few years, but Marrok is able to go visit his family. Explaining who he is now and where he’s been is a whole process but it eventually ends well.

[starkeyisthelastname]

okay y’all, we are jumping into this. pornstar!rafe makes a big decision. ⭐️ (thank you to my bae @oceandriveab for her request and being so patient! 💖 )

He had quite literally fucked you to sleep after storming off set all because he couldn’t get his dick up because he had you on his mind. He knew the decision he had to make and that was one he never thought he would ever do and that quit filming professionally. Even if he hadn’t opened up to you much at all, and he was terrified of confessing his feelings to someone he only had ever fucked, he couldn’t continue on with this career because his addiction was now you.

You should have known better than to answer the door because as you woke up the next morning with a sore body, an empty bed and no sign or explanation from Rafe. You should have expected this and him telling you he couldn’t work anymore because he couldn’t get you off his mind was a bunch of bullshit. He told you from the start he loved pussy too much to ever quit, and you should have stopped falling for him right there. You may been acting on high emotions, but you picked up your phone and began texting him.

Rafe’s phone had been on silent when he had met with his agent and manager. He flat out told them that he was done and they laughed, an amused look on both of their faces. The ‘pussy slayer’ was retiring at 30? There was no way. Everyone knew how much he loved pussy, I mean.. what else was he gonna do? Even if he hadn’t told you much about him, or knew much about you, he knew what he felt for you was enough for him to find a new purpose in life. He knew he said he needed to take baby steps because this was all new to him, but he was tired of the jealousy he constantly felt, the way he couldn’t get you off his fucking mind. He had to show you how he felt and then would let everything fall into place after, it could have been a reckless decision but he didn’t care.

‘I don’t expect a relationship with you, but when you come to my house and tell me that I’m yours just to dip off without any explanation is bullshit Rafe. I can’t do these games with you anymore. You wanna focus on work so bad. Fine. So will I.’

You had blocked him after you sent it, whether it was right or wrong. You didn’t want to, in fact it hurt you to think about Rafe not being in your life. What hurt worse though was how this man had ruined you to the point he never left your mind, that every time he shot a scene with someone else you were filled with nothing but jealousy, and that you couldn’t continue on knowing he would constantly feed you this shit so that he could get a nut in a few times a week. Your insecurities were becoming overshadowed by fear, because you had no idea what Rafe had just done.

You had a feeling you knew who it was by the heavy knocks on your door. You didn’t want to answer and you wanted to tell him to go away. Your own body betrayed you as you began walking over to the door to answer it. He better have a damn good reason on why he was here after his little Houdini act he pulled.

“You wanna block me now?” Rafe asked, stepping through the door without another thought.

You shrugged, arms crossed over your chest as you challenged him. “Why does it matter Rafe? I should have never got my feelings involved with someone who only cares about fucking on camera and getting money from it.” You told him, avoiding his gaze. Maybe it was your own fault because he didn’t know exactly how you felt, but he certainly didn’t make it easy for you. When he whispered sweet shit in your ear it made you feel like you could tell him that you were falling for him. It would then reel back to you being afraid of rejection because he would disappear, or talk about how he loved his career too much to ever quit.

“Do you even know what I was doing? I was firing my agent and my manager because I told them I was done fucking doing porn.” He said, causing your eyes to meet his.

You didn’t believe him. There was no way the man who was obsessed with sex and couldn’t even give you a real reason on why he became a pornstar in the first place had really quit. You laughed, did he really think you were that dumb? “You are lying. You’ve hit an all time low if you think that you can tell me something like that just to fuck me again.” You said with a scoff.

Rafe did a lot of punk shit to try and hide his feelings from you, but this wasn’t something he would joke about. He laughed, shaking his head. “You think I’m lying? I fuckin quit because I love you!” He said, blurting it out before he stopped himself. It was like once he said it, he couldn’t stop the rest from flowing as he continued on. “You don’t understand how hard this is for me! This career is the only thing I have had that has made me feel worth something because I fucked everything else up in my life. This is what made me feel invincible and that I could be somebody. I don’t have anyone else because everyone pushed me away due to my choices. Then I meet you and I don’t even fucking know you, but I feel this insane connection that absolutely terrifies me. It scares me the way I feel about you, and that I really should be taking baby steps. I.. I just can’t though. I don’t want to fuck this up like I did everything else, but… I am fucking in love with you and fucking random girls on camera just to get money isn’t worth losing you over.” He told you.

This was the first time Rafe had ever truly been honest with you and you could read it all over his face. You swallowed the lump in your throat as he stepped closer, taking you by the hands as he pulled you closer. “Let me show you.” He whispered in the softest voice you had ever heard him use. You didn’t know what he meant by that, but there was no way you were turning him away.

No matter how much you loved the brutal sex the two of you shared and we’re sure there was more of that to come, this was an entirely new feeling you both were experiencing. He was being gentle with you for the first time, pouring every ounce of confusing emotions and feelings he had into you. He had you in a deep missionary position, his toned hips grinding into yours as he buried his head in your neck. “You are so goddamn beautiful.” He whispered in a breathy groan.

His cock somehow felt 10 times bigger when he went slow and it was throwing you off at how good this fucking felt. Tears streamed down your face much like the first time he had ever fucked you, but for an entirely different reason. You overwhelmed by love, clinging onto him life a lifeline as you were afraid to let him go. He had ruined you for any other man and right now you were perfectly fine with that. “Rafe… you feel so fucking good..” You whimpered, your eyes rolling back at a little as his tip kept brushing over your g-spot.

Rafe groaned into your smooth skin, his lips traveling across your collarbone and across your jaw line until he met your eyes. He knew he must have really been in love with you because he had never made love and didn’t know he was capable of such a thing. He knew his nasty side was inevitable but he really was determined to show you that he was serious about this.

“Yeah baby, say my fuckin name. That’s yours to say. All yours… my sweet angel.” His words firm but genuine as his lips ghosted over yours. The way you made him feel was better than any drug or any career, and he knew no matter how scary this was for him, you were his girl without a doubt.

The tears flowed even more as he said that, your eyes falling into his ocean ones as his cock explored every inch of you. Your lower tummy fluttered and head spun as you felt an insane orgasm approaching. “Rafe… you’re gonna make me cum. Please don’t stop.. please.” You nearly begged him, manicured nails digging into the skin of his back.

Rafe had always prided himself for being able to go many rounds before cumming. He was so overwhelmed with love, that he knew he was wasn’t going to last long. “I’m not baby, I fuckin got you. Yeah? Cum all over my cock.” He whispered against your lips before pulling you in for a deep kiss.

You couldn’t help but sob at his words, trying your best to focus on the kiss as your orgasm started to take over. You screamed his name, not caring who heard, as this moment was way too important. You shuddered against him, wrapping your legs around his waist to trap him in as his thrusts started to get sloppy. He didn’t know what you had done to him, but he found himself going back to whisper in your ear as he started slowly coming undone. “I’m gonna fuckin fill you up baby, this is all for you..” He breathed out, voice rugged as his nuts tightened and eyes rolled back at your cunt still squeezing him in.

Rafe’s groans were sweet music to your ears as his seed warmed your insides, this time followed by a gentle raspy voice whispering against your skin. “I love you..” He told you, the butterflies hitting your belly and your face breaking out into a beautiful smile.

“I love you.” You whispered back.

Rafe hadn’t said that to someone or heard it back since before he had lost his family. This was the first girl he had ever felt this way about and while the two of you may have been jumping into something that was unclear and had a lot of questions that needed to be answered, he knew this was all worth it.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Scott and Hope’s child (Hank Jr. Edition)

Scott Lang/Hope van Dyne x child!reader

warnings:

a/n:

prompt: anonymous: “Scott and Hope have a baby girl (reader). And everything seems to be fine, but somewhere from the age of five, it becomes clear that the reader is a complete copy of her grandfather Hank Pym, that is: she is incredibly smart, she loves ants (she can talk about them for hours), she also has problems controlling anger (she hit a guy in the face at school for saying that ant-man sucks), thinks that there is no one smarter than her and her grandfather, and she also transferred his sarcastic communication style and views on things and people around, for example, when she first met Tony, she said: "You can never trust Stark."”

somewhere in the distant future a special kid was born

and that special kid had special parents and special grandparents

and those parents and grandparents were two generations of superheroes who saved countless lives (and, well, the world)

so it was no surprise to them that this next generation would be just as intelligent and caring as the ones before them

*cue a toddler with crayons in class*

“and then my grandpa asked the ants nicely to fly him to a bunch of different places and do all these cool things like move stuff around and like do other stuff” -you rambling on

“do you like anything besides ants?” -your teacher

“no” -you, continuing to draw ants on your paper

hank and janet were quite proud grandparents

and scott and hope, your wonderful amazing parents…couldn’t get enough of it

“honey, what about wasps? wasps are cool, right?” -hope

“no” -you

“she’s spending too much time with my dad” -hope

“well, he’s the only babysitter we’ve got since cassie got that new job” -scott

“oh, you mean our old job? yeah, miss those days where we could go flying around getting into trouble and beating people up” -hope

“well, you promised we’d retire so y/n wouldn’t end up with a childhood like yours” -scott

“y/n’s gonna want to be a superhero when they get older, arent they?” -hope

“let’s not think too far ahead. it might kill me” -scott

scott reads you his biography every night before bed

and you always giggle at the parts where your mom and grandpa bully him

“hey, not funny!” -scott

“so funny” -you

“dont get any ideas” -scott

“daddy, are you gonna get arrested again?” -you

“if i do it’ll be grandpa hank’s fault” -scott

you continued spending time with grandpa hank and grandma janet

and they spoiled the crap out of you

hank…got you an ant farm

“now you’re just being ridiculous, hank” -janet

“what? i’m just having some bonding time with my grandchild! hope never wanted anything to do with me growing up” -hank

once you started getting older, you wanted to hang out in grandpa’s lab allll the time. day and night

your parents hated it

“hey, think this one will suck us all into the quantum realm?” -scott

“it was one time!” -cassie

cassie was at hank and janet’s a lot, too, actually. they always wanted to help her with her suits and gadgets and all that

and make sure she had plenty of pym particles

“you have enough, right? here, take some more, i have plenty” -hank

“grandpa, please, i have more than enough, thank you” -cassie

“can i have some pym particles?” -you

“we can play with them in the backyard next time youre over” -hank

you draw new suit designs for cassie all the time

some of them she actually incorporates into her suits

and as you get older, you try to start designing more tech for her

“y/n is really scaring me” -hope

“why?” -scott

“just watch her and my parents together…they’re the same” -hope

“dear god, what have we done” -scott

“dad, look at this new pym particle powered weapon, i just finished the prototype!” -you

“okay, now i’m mad because where was this when i needed it!” -scott

“fifteen to twenty years too late” -hope

“we should have gotten together sooner” -scott

“i disagree” -hope

“wow, not even a pity agreement” -scott

asking your parents if they’ll get back into crime fighting

they said no

asking if you can get into crime fighting

they said no again

so you just kinda stockpiled all your ideas

and did everything you could to further your grandpa’s work

and help your sister

and keep your parents’ minds at ease (doesn’t really work)

and maybe one day you’ll be able to ride those ants and kick some ass like you always dreamed

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @locke-writes // @sweetheartlizzie07 // @queen-destenie // @johnmurphyisqueer // @captainshazamerica // @ravenmoore14 // @canarypoint // @procrastinatingsapphictrash // @swanimagines // @randomfandomimagine // @petersgroupie // @summersimmerus // @scarthefangirl // @bad4amficideas // @sheridans-dynamos // @simsrecs // @prettysbliss // @skdkdkckfk // @simp-legend // @zoeyserpentluck // @wild-rose-35 // @nekoannie-chan // @evilcr0ne // @v0idl1nq // @ruvaakke // @thedarkqueenofavalon // @amirahiddleston // @beth-gallagher22 // @brutal-out-here // @rqmanoff // @elenavampire21 // @mymelodymia // @pheonixfire777 //

[aroaceleovaldez]

okay I said i’d talk about my praetor ocs so here they are. my guys. If you follow Deadangelos you’ve probably seen a lot of them already but get ready for the in-depth version because they’re probably my favorite OCs i’ve made purely for the askblog and they’re very fun to me.

Behold: Dee Keystone (child of Janus) and Cadeyrn “Cade” Avitus (legacy [grandson] of Summanus), the praetors before Jason and Reyna!

(Explanations under the cut cause this got long)

They were made with two main shticks in mind: A.) Reverse-engineering Jason and Reyna to figure out what their predecessors might have been like based on their own personalities, with the idea that they might have tried to model themselves based off of mentor figures, and B.) A personal headcanon of mine that the Romans tended to favor promoting demigods who could potentially fit the Great Prophecy description but with a much wider concept of what “a half-blood of the eldest gods” could potentially mean. At least until the Titan War ended. When the war ended they just presumed Jason was the prophecy kid and they were a year off about his age and all was good.

I brainstormed a bunch of praetor designs for this and ended up picking these two (and one of the other scrapped designs became Athanasius “Mac” Macbeth, one of the centurions of the 5th cohort before Jason and Reyna) cause I felt they worked best and also i just liked their designs. They’re a bit older than I imagine most praetors would be just cause I personally figured it’d make the most sense for the Romans during the Titan War to be drawing in reserve forces from retired legionaries, and so those in the legion who would normally retire just kind of stayed until the war ended. Ergo, these two being possibly the oldest praetors Camp Jupiter has ever had. (Their ages/years in the legion is specifically them in TLO, since that’s the time they’re mostly showing up on the blog.)

Cade is very specifically meant to mirror Jason and Thalia a ton (ergo Comparison Thalia) - Summanus is the Roman god of nocturnal storms and sometimes considered just a sort of variation of Jupiter. My thought with him is that his family lives in New Rome and they fostered Jason when he arrived (because who better to raise a baby who can short-circuit camp’s entire power grid with a sneeze than a legacy family who all also have lightning powers and have raised electrocuting toddlers before?). Plus, Cade just so happens to be extremely similar to Thalia, so baby Jason latched onto him pretty immediately and Cade ended up his big-brother figure. Also yes, I did make extended families for basically all the roman ocs I’m making for this event; Cade has an aunt and two cousins. Cade’s appearance is also purposefully reverse-engineered from Thalia and Jason - his hair is supposed to look a lot like Jason’s except Jason always has a cowlick sticking up (and later gets an undercut, which is why Dee has a half-shaved head cause xe’s reverse-engineered too) with the idea that it’s symbolic of Jason trying to live up to Cade’s legacy but he can never quite be the same, because It’s My Askblog And I Can Flesh Out The Underdeveloped Characters’ Backstories If I Want To. (Jason getting an undercut later and how that relates to Dee is Dee as a child of Janus represents decision and paths and I will get into more detail later on the blog about how Dee specifically represents to Jason what decisions he makes about what path he wants in life and him getting an undercut during HoO/between series is kind of a symbol of him moving away from the original path laid out for him at Camp Jupiter and forging his own path instead. This OC breakdown is actually just Jason character analysis/headcanons in disguise.) Cade also has some face scars to mirror Jason’s scar on his lip. His SPQR symbol is just a lightning bolt over a moon for “nocturnal storms.” Cade also happens to be the same age Thalia would be if she hadn’t been turned into a tree and then became immortal. This also means him and Dee are the same age as Luke. That’s probably symbolism, idk.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

If Cade is primarily Jason’s mentor figure, Dee is primarily Reyna’s. This is extra fun cause Cade is kind of the more serious between the two of them whereas Dee leans a bit more towards Jason’s brand of not-quite-golden-retriever energy, so they kind of swapped there. The “9yr” thing is how long both of them have been in the legion specifically - for Dee, that also includes moving into Camp Jupiter in general, but for Cade it’s just the legion cause he was born there. Yes, this is more parallels to Reyna and Jason (Jason being raised in CJ versus Reyna joining later). Also again, Dee’s hair is meant to somewhat parallel Jason’s undercut he gets later. I really put way too much detail into these guys. It’s fun though.

Some more fun little things!:

Dee has a girlfriend who’s a rogue. and also a daughter of Arke. aka a Greek demigod. That part is extremely complicated so I won’t get into it right now but the short version is: Comedy of Errors (Arke is the twin of Iris, whose Roman name is... Arcus. They’re both goddesses of rainbows. Everyone is confused.) They met during the war and it’s very cute (except for The Horrors but we can ignore that for right now).

The 5th cohort centurion guy i mentioned earlier, Mac, is a legacy of Dis Pater and also dating Cade.

As a legacy of Dis Pater, I like to imagine Mac is the one who gave Jason the coin weapon he originally had.

There’s a whole background New Rome political drama that bleeds into the plotline involving the praetors, Mac, and Mac’s cousin (a guy named Brennus Brinley, a legacy of Bacchus and former augur/Octavian’s mentor). It’s all very complicated and way too detailed for something that will basically never get addressed on the blog but it’s very fun to me.

Currently on the blog I’m doing a flashback event of Jason’s backstory/time at Camp Jupiter and we’re in the portion explaining the Roman side of the Titan War and Dee just basically got told to fake their death cause they found out Brennus is working for the Titan Army so. That’s a whole thing. Why is Brennus working for the Titan Army (something that will definitely never get the chance to be explained on the blog)? See aforementioned political drama. Yeah his family is just trying to get power. So he threatened the life of a praetor during battle which is a horrible idea really but whatever. It’s fiiiine. anyways Cade is sad about that now and I should be working on the next set of panels to explain the rest of what happens with that whole mess.

The interesting part though is I very lightly got to touch upon what Dee’s powers are as a child of Janus and it’s basically just xe can see potential outcomes of a scenario or different paths that are most likely to arise as the result of a decision:

Like here’s xem having xyr life threatened and deciding what to do about it. And xe saw one option had like, waaaay more death, so they picked the other one.

(Also if you’re wondering “Wait, is Dee wearing a CHB necklace?” again, see: Xe’s dating a greek demigod in the Titan Army. It’s complicated. Short version though, said greek demigod was formerly a camper and gave her beads to Dee. Dee still doesn’t know about CHB though. Xe just thinks xyr girlfriend is from New York.)

Cade’s powers I don’t get to go into as much detail about in the plotline I have but generally - he just has lightning powers. They’re a bit more muted than Jason’s though they get stronger at night, obviously. But also because he’s a legacy he’s not as electric-proof so he can’t really do a ton without getting injured himself. He’s more electric-proof than most people though, which is why he’s able to mentor Jason without getting absolutely fried. Also his mom is a cloud nymph which doesn’t really have any impact on him powers-wise and also isn’t super relevant but I think it’s fun and also if he ever grew out his hair/beard it’d totally get wispy like clouds or fog. Again that’ll never come up on the blog but it’s fun to me.

Lookit him. Cloud hair. What a guy.

Anyways that’s all I can think of for right now but feel free to ask about these guys or tbh any of the ocs from Deadangelos because I am always happy to ramble about background characters that I put way too much thought into that will definitely never be addressed.

[st33le]

HALLO MASH PACRIM AU?????? im giving you free reign to infodump PLEASE tell me more

MEAHAHA! Thank you!!

I originally got the idea from @benevolenterrancy, thank you again for giving me this new obsession lmao.

I have so many ideas for the au in general, and my little story line especially.

I’m a CharlesHawk truther, so my story really revolves around them and their relationship, Bj and Trapper do exist in my storyline, but mainly in the background.

Trapper, I have unfortunately demoted to ✨ Element that drives the plot ✨. I’ve thought more on what I wanted the accident to be between him and hawk. Like there was the question of, oh well, does hawk visit him? No. Why? Guilt. Why is he guilty? That sort of thing.

So the accident, in more detail. Trapper and Hawkeye were deployed to deal with a large category 2, maybe a category 3. The Kaijus nickname right now is Sabermane, but I may change that in the future. Anyway, they’re deployed to deal with the Kaiju and through a series of mistakes, due to Hawkeye's pride and cockiness, they start losing the fight. The Kaiju gets the upper hand and throws Surgeon Resilient back (their jaeger is only a Mark 1, its pretty durable but it’s not as heavy as Cherno Alpha, the Russian jaeger from the movies) because of their jaeger being older there were a few key flaws in the design of the conn-pod. That being that the supports for the pilots can’t take sudden jolts and will release and drop the pilots.

So guess what happens! Hawkeye gets dropped and passes out. My favorite plot device. Leaving trapper to pilot alone, which as you know, people can not do. So later, hawkeye wakes up to a bunch of doctors and a bunch of press. He's confused and pretty out of it all still. hes not that hurt, but he's left a little scarred (i put a few scars on his face in one of my previous posts.)

Hawk is debriefed and finds out that he's been out for about a week. Surgeon Resilient was almost completely destroyed and both of them would have died if it wasn't for the quick actions of trapper. Trapper had piloted the jaeger alone for just long enough to get them a reasonable distance away from the kaiju to eject them both from the conn-pod. But it wasn't without its consequences, shortly after the military recovered trapper and hawk, trapper fell into a coma after all the adrenaline from the battle wore off.

Hawk after some rest was taken to see Trapper and the doctors/military explained that Trapper wouldn't be able to drive again as the Drift would be enough to kill him. Hawk immediately feels overwhelming guilt over this. Feeling that it was his fault that trapper ended up this way.

trapper does end up waking up later in the story and that's a whole angst arc for hawkeye to go through. (and Charles being there and being supportive) But yeah, after all that he goes back to being a civilian for a few years until he's called back for the trial runs for the new jaegers, sense the military wants experienced pilots to run them for the greatest chance at success. Anyway. BJ is also in the story but they meet later on. BJ and Peg are pilots but they were first deployed together after hawk retired, so they didn't really get to meet or know him until recently. I've given a little more personality to Peg, I want her to be a bit snarky and blunt. She knows her limits and strengths and tends to be the smarter out of the two.

Peg is respectful of Hawkeye, but I feel like if she found out why he retired from the service she would be a little more critical of him.

also, I realized I never really explained why Charles was so eager to jump into a jaeger to prove he was right. Charles does have drop experience from simulations. He works with Jaegers so, I would assume he had some.

Charles knows how jaegers work intricately so while Hawkeye handles the physical fighting bit, Charles handles the tactical fighting bit.

Also Ofc my storyline is an enemies-to-lovers sort of situation cause it's one of my favorite tropes. Especially when it comes to Pacific rim and drifting. Going from, I want nothing to do with you too We're so in sync we fight perfectly together,,, THE VIBES BRO.

also, I've come up with a name for my little story, I'm gonna call it Worn Metal. Idk if it's a little Cheesy but yeah, because the new Jaeger is made from bits of the old one and Hawkeye was a pilot before I thought it was fitting. I want it to be a little more on the ship side so I might change it in the future but oh well. i also may make posts about like little things within my story so yeah. Thank you for letting me info dump, i will do more in the future >:3

[rndyounghowze]

What You Might Not Know About…

Jacques Ze Whipper

Jack Lepiarz or “Jaques Ze Whipper” or “Jack the Whipper” has been whipping it good for about fourteen years now. You may know him from his appearance on America’s Got Talent when he whipped a piece of straw from between Simon Cowell’s legs. You may also know him from his viral short videos where he sings parodies to songs like “All the Single Ladies” or the Animaniacs “Yakko’s World” song all while cracking the whip to keep time. However, there are some things about Jaques that you might not know about. We got to chat with him for a short while to bring you some trivia like…

Jack Comes From a Circus Family

“I grew up in the circus. We were with the Big Apple Circus until I was about 6 years old and then we did a bunch of Renaissance Faires when I was a kid. I have a weird parentage. My father is a circus performer (His father John Lepiarz currently “Mr. Fish” with the Super Scientific Circus) . My mother, now retired, was a college professor of anthropology with a doctorate in anthropology. She was very big on me getting a normal education so I kinda split time between normal school and the circus growing up.”

Jack Started On The Streets Of Boston

 “I went to Emerson College. I’m like ‘I have all these circus skills, why don’t I just try to do some street performing and see how that goes?’ It went as well as you would expect for someone who’s not very polished to go, which is that it went alright, there was nothing catastrophic, but it wasn’t great work. But it helped me kind of polish the act. Then I was like ‘well alright now I have this slightly more polished act let me do Renaissance Faires’ so I started working at King Richard’s Faire when I was twenty. 

Father’s Advice 

“My father, who had done the Renaissance Faire circuit for years, said ‘well what makes a good, successful Ren Faire act is the character and the comedy. You don’t have to be the most talented circus performer as long as you can make people laugh and keep them engaged and a character is a great way to do that.’ One of the things that we wanted to do is to make the whips less threatening. We kind of played around with the idea of being a goofy character and that didn’t quite translate. We decided to try being the French character because, you know, everyone at the Ren Faire is English, Irish,  Scottish. There aren’t a lot of French characters at the Renaissance Faire. We tried that for a couple of days and it went alright. Then the last day of my first weekend I drew on the mustache and it was like everything clicked. People understood this show is dumb and that it’s okay to laugh.”

Jaques Fans Are Why He’s On Tik Tok 

“[In 2021] a couple of longtime fans of mine came to my show, recorded bits of the show, put up 30-40 second clips of the show on Tik Tok and the first one got like three hundred thousand views, the second one got two million views and the third one got two point two million views. I was like ‘oh okay apparently there is a demand for Jaques Ze Whipper in the world that I had never known’. So I started on Tik Tok and from there it’s kinda been like, as I find I have the brain space to expand I expand to a new social media and so from there I went to Instagram and from there I went to Facebook and then Youtube.”

Digital Show 

“As my following has grown on social media there are these people who are like ‘come to the UK, come to Germany, come to Indonesia’. There’s no way for me right now to easily get to those places and even if I could get to those places the amount it would cost for me to get there would be prohibitive for a lot of people. So I said ‘why don’t I do this show where we can kinda do the best of my show and the secret show that I do with Ses Carny and by making it a digital show what we could do is get people from all over the world and that helps us keep the price point pretty low’. Ten bucks is still too expensive for some people that I’ve talked to but I think that it’s reachable for most people who are fans of mine. You could get four people to all pitch in $2.50 and just share one ticket. That’s fine. 

My plan is to do a show like this every year around this time for as long as WBUR will have me. We did a walk through in the theatre this week and they said they’re fully on board for another show next year and the year beyond that so I think my plan is: once a year do a digital show like this and assuming the interest is still there bring in other performers and kind of make it ‘Jacque’s Circus Hour’ and use it as a way to profile some of my wonderful colleagues who I think are just as if not more talented than me who just for some reason or another haven’t gone viral yet”.

The Physical Toll 

“A lot of people don’t understand quite how physical the show is and the amount of work that goes into making sure that my body is able to hold up under the stress of the show. The last couple of years I have been semi injured while performing and it’s been amazing how something as little as [spraining] my wrist in August of 2021 and the entire ‘21 season…there were certain tricks that I could not do without a lot of pain. Then this past season I tweaked something in my right shoulder just before the season started or early in the season and it never felt quite right until I had a chance to just rest it for a few weeks. (You can see this video where he sings a “Sound Of Silence” parody while remarking that his Physical Therapist would be mad because he wasn't cleared to whip with his right hand yet.)  I think that’s the biggest thing. The show is an athletic performance even as I’m just up there just cracking whips and singing songs. It is a workout.”

Get your tickets now! Virtual Ticket sales end at 5pm Eastern on Friday Jan. 27

[seldnei]

Taking stock of the writing: 2023

For any new followers: this is my annual post about my writing in the past year.  This is purely for my own mental health–the tag says “seldnei is tired of feeling like a slacker” for a reason.  Please feel free to skip.

So what did I accomplish in 2023?

Well, it was a helluva year, again.  We’ve acquired another teenager, with all that entails, which is a good thing overall but definitely added some chaos.  My boss retired earlier than expected, so day job went sideways for a while.  My cousin died, which was entirely unexpected.  My father died, which was both more and less unexpected.  Also the eldest BFF’s mom died, which was not traumatic for me, per se, but being able to spend a week with him was, like acquiring Q, a good thing surrounded by chaos.  Oh, and Z got his ADHD diagnosis, which has triggered some interesting realizations about the assumed neurotypicality of everyone in the household.  We are, in fact, that family who said, “But that can’t be a ‘disorder’; everyone is like that, right?”

I am exhausted, and my brain feels not only full but occasionally like it’s eating itself with self-analysis.

BUT.  I am here.  And I wrote things.

Stories/Poems/Etc.

Finished the second Exorcist story, and decided it did need to be mashed up with the first one.  I dunno, it’s still cuter than I like. 

Did the requested rewrite on the Teachout camel story, and got rejected again (I vaguely recall this as another rewrite request, but I could be wrong and can’t be arsed to dig through my email right now). I kind of think this editor and I have fundamentally different ideas as to what these stories are.  Keep this in mind as I get into future plans, btw, as it was a contributing factor.

Wrote some more TMA fanfic.

“And the Forest Sings of Secrets and the Dead” for FUCKIT, which prompted the best review of all time from Q: “What the fuck, Laura?”

“The Modern Eurydice: with Leto in the Mountains of Delos,” also for FUCKIT, which is probably my favorite thing I wrote this year.  I really hope there are more modern Eurydice stories somewhere in my head, because I loved writing this one and the first one.

Poetry:

“Elpis at the Farmer’s market” for FUCKIT

“4am, April 2023,” also for FUCKIT, the poem my husband wants to frame and put on the wall

Random bits and bobs in my notebook

I wrote three podcast scripts because I really want to make a podcast. 

Script one is a monologue type thing, continuing my explorations of ghosts and terrible mothers.

Scripts two and three are the first two episodes of a short series that adapts the not!Tempest/not!Mosquito Coast/not!Island of Dr Moreau thing I’ve been fucking around with for like four years now.  I think three more scripts and I’ll have the series completed, and then I can turn my attention to things like casting and recording and editing and hosting and posting and dear lord what the fuck.

 I started a bunch of other things:

The baseball/ghost romance novella, where I am trying out iterative outlining.

Some abortive attempts to find my way into my post-apocalypse cunning folk thing

A start and some notes for a gothic horror story that I probably will get back to in a while (watch this space in, like, three years)

Other Stuff

“An Oral History: The Dead Queen at 1223 Murchison Row” sold and came out in Artifice & Craft. 

I created my author website, which I’m still very pleased with.  Also did some blogging, but not as much as I would have liked.  Still, not sure when I had time?

Submitted things sporadically.

Kept up my morning writing routine, though it did have some disruptions here and there and the time got a little compressed.  But the biggest thing, I think, is that I kept going.  There was a lot of stuff going on in my life this year, and I wrote through it all.

Novel and Goals for 2024

Okay, this is where we get into the stuff that makes me nervous.

So the novel is on a second round of reading at a publisher.  This is taking forever, but the publisher has also posted periodically that they’re still working their way through subs, and frankly, I am entirely willing to let them do their thing because, as I said last year, I think this might be the absolute worst time to try and find an agent or publisher.  This is one of like two sparks of interest I have gotten for a book that a professional editor says is very good, so … yeah, we will let that lie.  Additionally, I’ve been reading some stuff from established trad authors who are also  having issues selling things, and I’m like … uuuggghhh.

Bearing that in mind … I’m going to start looking at and dipping my toe into self-publishing this year.  Guys, I am so tired of thinking about what an editor might or might not find appealing enough to publish; I want to write my weird little stories and have people read them.  I don’t even care if it’s just my friends and I only sell, like, three copies of anything.  I have long since resigned myself to never being a full-time writer, so while extra cash would be nice, it’s not something I desperately need.  (That said, I am going to be selling my work because it’s work, so.  But I have thoughts about discount codes and freebies, so we’ll see how it goes.)  I’d like to be able to hire an editor, commission covers, that kind of thing, though, so I’m also thinking about starting a Patreon to help fund those aspects of it, with rewards and all that good stuff.

So I can publish the novellas and short story collections, and if the publisher passes on my manuscript, I can publish the Teachout book and start writing the second one.

This is the scary part, though.  Am I too scattered to make something like this work?  What if no one has any interest? What about pirates (both cyber and sailor)?  Will I annoy people with self-promo?  Will people in my circle think less of me?  (Do I care about the people who would think less of me for doing this?) How will this affect my other writing?  OH GOD HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY TAXES?!

I think I can do it.  I might ask y’all for cheerleading here and there.  I have a planner and Mr. Seldnei.

Every time I think about it and get scared, I think second Teachout book no matter what happens and I’m like … yeah. Yeah, I think I need to at least try.

So, goals for 2024:

FUCKIT subs

finish this baseball thing

Podcast

Patreon (?)

Self-publishing

AAAAAAAAAAA.

[belle-of-a-time]

I keep dreaming about a movie. It does not exist.

Big ass castle, three princely brothers. The youngest is a bastard and is about 20? And his name is Ingram and I’m a little in love with him. There’s some sort of coup or siege or something. Ingram escapes, his eldest brother is captured, and the enemy tries to capture the middle brother as well but he ends up getting fatally wounded. There Is magic. As Ingram escapes on his horse he rides hard for a full night and into the day, his horse is tired, Ingram is grieving. They both collapse into a field with Nymphs? Feminine Nature spirits of some kind. Where they are tended to by the oldest matronly lady there. The girls are all super curious about His Magic tattoos all over his chest.

When he wakes up he’s surrounded by all these like young ladies. They appear in their mid teens like 14-17 not love interests, the older spirits all left to go on a quest leaving a few Elders behind to watch everyone who was too young to fight etc. they’re really curious. A lot of them have never seen a man and they’ve never seen Anyone with the crazy swirly tattoos. The purpose of them is to boost his strength and willpower in battle.

Queen was Not Happy about her husband having a bastard child so she has him installed as a general in their army at like 12 ridiculous age, hoping that he’ll just die and not be her problem anymore. He does not die and in fact becomes wildly successful and pisses off a few nations as a result.

Whatever the old ladies train him up with his own magic and help him heal up and keep in shape. So he’s now super powerful and deadly. He journeys home to save his family. On the way he encounters some people who help him and teach him useful skills. Like a traveling circus where he learns to throw his voice and I think builds up immunity to poisons or something? Etc etc he’s a skill monkey. His tattoos help him learn new skills quickly and he needs every advantage if he’s going to rescue his family.

He gets there and absolutely John wick murderizes the bad guys total ass kickery. Gets up to where his brother is being held and finds like 14 royal heirs and spares just a lot. Turns out the fucking wizard Councel had kidnapped a bunch of princes and princesses taken this big fuck off castle because it’s the most militarized and defensible and brought them all here until they got what they wanted from each kingdom. They were going to mind control his brother after so they could have a puppet ruler and just fuckin keep the castle.

Ingram Kicks the wizard guys asses too. His brother is crowned king and returns all of the stolen heirs and spares. One nation offers to advantageously match their spare princess with Ingram since he saved everyone on the terms that if they need to do some ass kicking he HAS to help. And he gets a little castle with his princess who also has a bunch of weird ass witchy skills and Mostly lives a quiet life because fucking nobody wants to mess with him after he single-handedly kicked the entire wizard council’s asses. Retires at like 22 officially in reserves.

Also his princess watched him fight those wizards and unlike almost everyone else who was a little bit grossed out by the wizard duel she was super into it like eyes shining anime sparkles around Ingram’s head she was very into it. It’s sort of implied the marriage was Her Idea because why get politically married off to some fucking boring asshole who will cheat on you when you can marry Mr ass Kicker the first who Definitely won’t even consider cheating on you because all he really wanted was to be out of the war machine.

[anagramtransitory]

16. Who will always listen: my imaginary ideal parent. I’m sick of strangers, everybody including my family and friends are strangers. Only I am not a stranger to myself. I’m not a stranger to anybody. I’m just a friend or helpful colleague/contact they haven’t met yet. But people are most comfortable at a distance from me, so it’ll just be me and my imaginary parent, forever. Not a bad sentence. The world will come and get me when it requires my help specifically. Until then, the world is none of my business. None of our business, me and my imaginary support group here. All the smartest people go a little batty talking to themselves, it’s like a rite of passage. I’m not FOR anything or anybody, people don’t work like that, nothing works like that, not even when it’s meant to. I’m not for anything, at all. Here’s the trick: what you have to do is to wait for people to decide what to put their soul into. To choose for themselves. Terrible, isn’t it. And I’ve already chosen where do put all of mine, on whatever fast-tracked schedule I can manage it. So. Bad news for all the exploiters out there, take your chains and walk away this time big brothers. It’s a project that interests me more than anything else at the moment, that offers more promise of immediate and constant improvement than anything else does in my life at the moment. I lost the one I love, and I have to be my new favorite person, I NEED to be my new favorite person. I deserve it, don’t I? If I’m not a good person I could be and that’s more than some people have. I’m gonna be honest, when it comes to my place and use in groups at any scale you care to want, I’m just not worried, and haven’t been for, like, ever. I don’t mind if immigrants come in and take all the jobs I would’ve gotten offered without me applying. I don’t care if I stay in the same job until I retire, I really don’t. You know why? Because I know in my gut and my heart I will be tracked down like people are a bunch of bloodhounds. For what? I don’t know yet. I don’t WANT to know honestly, too much going on at the moment for that by far. People have got some loose ideas of belonging to throw around whenever they feel like it. I’m told I belong with the group of whoever thinks a person they like and suspect to be useful to have on hand (me) is in/represents. That is not what the word is supposed to mean. I’m not sure if there’s any meaning there at all, it’s just a filler word for “should”. Where I should be or what I should do. I belong where I am happy. How’s that for a party ending line? You know where I am happy? Nowhere. Where I’ve ever been happy? Nowhere. Where I expect to find greatest happiness? My living space where I live alone. Where I live with the people and selves in my own mind. That’s a packed house. What they say is true: what INTPs need most from people is to be left alone. And to be listened to. It is only through behaving as if I am totally loved and understood and supported in every way I need that I’ll ever be able to behave in a way that leads to people understanding me better. It’s like “ah no there’s been a great misunderstanding, all these problems I’ve ever had and continue to have are because I’ve been in pain, you see? They have nothing to do with me otherwise.” Another hard sell. Without love, I’ve never cared at all. I think both my parents have made very intensely good attempts that should have been good enough to more than fix me. But all I know is that it never has. There’s always been this residual “I love you, …you freak.” It’s hard to jive with that. To accept and swallow that. I’m not a freak. I know what I’m talking about, I know what I’m about, I’m internally coherent and consistent, I don’t fly into destructive rages anymore that anybody else is aware of like I used to and am very capable of, I can minimize the damage from my problems a surprising amount, I can appear to be somewhat normal, I keep my sexual urges as under control as possible, I’m not out in public causing problems willy nilly, I’m not doing off the wall shit, I’m just tired, that’s all.

[leclerc-s]

track 001. quien es el?

─── ❝ y ¿quién es él? ❞ ───

masterlist // next

esteban ocon can i be the first to say that i had no idea any of this was happening? fernando and i knew he was leaving, we just didn’t know where. i was not expecting otmar to react the way he did.

daniel ricciardo i think this may be the most dramatic exit and entrance in the current years of f1

mae jones the only thing to top this would be if ferrari’s golden boy announced he was leaving to redbull charles leclerc stop spreading the rumor that i’m leaving ferrari! mae jones never, it's hilarious watching the tifosi lose their shit on twitter whenever the rumor starts back up again

mick schumacher not to mention seb’s retirement

lance stroll STOP! IF WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT THEN THAT DOESNT MAKE IT REAL! charles leclerc DON’T TALK ABOUT IT! SEB ISN'T RETIRING! LET US LIVE IN DELUSION! isabella perez can’t believe paddock dad is leaving us to fend for ourselves. don’t bring it up again mick freya vettel at least you still have nando and lewis? george russell realistically, we’re all gonna die then. lance stroll we get it, he’s your dad, you’re going to see him more than us now lewis hamilton okay, forget you guys and seeing roscoe penelope trevino don’t you dare take away our roscoe privileges sebastian vettel nice to know you all love me charles leclerc is it enough to keep you from retiring? sebastian vettel no

lando norris i’m supposed to be the responsible one now?

daphne jones added two new people

daphne jones i'm begging you heathens please be nice to the new rookies and do not question how i got their numbers

max verstappen it’s because you are daphne jones bailey winters anyone remember when she did this same thing with me? just randomly put me in a groupchat with a bunch of strangers?

+1 954-397-5464 i would say i'm creeped out by someone managing to get my number so quickly but i'm more so impressed. who the hell is in this and why is fernado alonso the group picture?

+61 491 570 157 this is why you would be the first to die in a horror movie. hello esteban.

esteban ocon hello oscar, i'm assuming the other person is logan?

lando norris logan is such an american name. we get it you’re from america. rah, freedom, guns, and all that shit 🇺🇸🦅

logan sargeant i’m not the only american here? why am i being singled out?

max verstappen you seem like you fit the stereotype for americans

logan sargeant did i just get called basic by max verstappen? mae jones as long as there are no forks nearby, you shouldn't worry max verstappen oh fuck off

bailey winters oscar, does he have a tinder profile? and is there a picture of him holding a fish on there?

oscar piastri i don’t know about the tinder thing but he does have a picture of him holding a giant fish

carlos sainz what’s the saying? i rest my case?

logan sargeant i hate this already

lewis hamilton join the club mate oscar piastri i feel like it's my job to let everyone know logan just let out the most ungodly screech i've ever heard from him. my ears will never recover. arthur is currently clutching his ears in pain

freya vettel speaking of balls, isa had some to tweet what she did about mclaren

isabella perez 🤷🏻‍♀️ someone had to say it and it was gonna me isabella perez i will not tolerate any mistreatment of daniel ricciardo

pierre gasly no one was speaking of balls?

rowan todd figure of speach french fuck

daniel ricciardo talk about having a dramatic f1 entrance

lance stroll how high is this on the list from brocedes to abu dhabi 2021?

natalia ruiz i’d say right in between? lewis hamilton can we not talk about that? thanks. esteban ocon someone’s still heartbroken about his loss lewis hamilton you would be too if your best friend pulled the same shit on you. matter of fact, mick get in my car, pull the same shit on him mick schumacher please don’t involve me in this. i don’t want any part of this.

alex albon OH MY GOD! OSCAR IS DRS GUY

george russell THAT'S HIM?

oscar piastri i thought those days were behind me

isabella perez some advice for the rookies, this group never lets anything go, ever. they still bring up the smoothie inchident and that happened in 2019.

charles leclerc they still bring up the inchident and its been years

max verstappen no, it's just unfair george russell i'm leading, he want to pass alex albon he push me, i push him back esteban ocon and after he push me off the track pierre gasly it's not fair right? lando norris thank you! thank you max! isabella perez charles! what’s happened with max? natalia ruiz nothing just an inchident on the race charles leclerc i hate all of you

carlos sainz i'm going to be cupid again!

isabella perez what the hell does that mean? daniel ricciardo i believe i told you your time would come again? george russell what does that mean? max verstappen sorry, you people weren't around when the original groupchat was made. you'll never know. sebastian vettel do i get to know? daniel ricciardo of course you do.

duckling NO ONE SAID PIASTRI WAS CUTE???? HE’S THE ENEMY!

super max we didn’t notice?

honey badger didn’t you just get out of a relationship?

duckling I’M ALLOWED TO THINK PEOPLE ARE CUTE!

super max why is oscar the enemy?

duckling he’s signed with mclaren? our biggest enemy for the way they treated danny?

honey badger oh my god isabella, please let it go. it’s for the best.

duckling unless you’re coming to every single race next year, this is not fine! what am i supposed to do without my emotional support person? super max stick with oscar apparently. duckling i’m going to leave you at the next gas station i see. super max wow.

honey badger haven't you seen him around the paddock? he's been around the entire season

duckling i had a boyfriend daniel.

honey badger you could've been friends?? or was that not allowed.

duckling wow. is this what max felt earlier? super max hurts doesn't it? ducking oh yeah.

honey badger wait…WAS HE ONE OF THE CUTE PREMA BOYS YOU HAD A CRUSH ON?

duckling

super max oh my god…HE IS!

duckling

honey badger so oscar was one of them but who were the others? oliver? or was it just oscar?

duckling just oscar but oliver is pretty cute

daniel ricciardo carlos, it’s your time to shine. matchmaker sainz is back

¡leclerc-s speaks! in honor of oscar winning today’s sprint, i give you the first chapter of my oscar series. these are all being posted at random and have no specific order of posting. if you're confused about the order of events, refer to the timeline posted.

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[jreynoldsward]

Writing Accountability Post #28

No, I didn't go into the woods to write last week, though we did pick huckleberries one day and plan to go out again.

But I did get some minor stuff done--started planning The Cost of Power trilogy so that I can draft it out and do rapid release with it next year. I'm also going to do this with the Goddess's Vision trilogy.

Looking back on the week, it seems like there wasn't a lot that got done, but there was. It just wasn't all about writing words. In some cases, it was about editing and promotion. I lined up some advertising and did an interview, plus set up a cover reveal for Fabulist and Fantastical Worlds. I also did some research involved with the Cost of Power trilogy, and have scads of notes to incorporate into planning. Oh, if this is even half of what I have been considering, it's gonna be nice.

The other thing that is going on is that I'm now getting back to semi-consistent journaling. I'm doing it mostly at night, kind of a summary of the day. Of course I also get ideas that I need to jot down. Journaling is a good thing, because it usually means I'm ready to be poking at ideas and ruminating over drafting. I need it as a check on my progress so that I am on top of it.

What didn't get done is anything to do with Goddess's Vision, or Dragons of the Raven Alliance. With Vision, it's just a matter of taking time to make those notes and plans. I know it'll be like The Cost of Power once I get started with brainstorming--the ideas will flow, and before long, I'll be ready to start drafting.

Raven, however...part of the problem is just working out the dynamics. I'm not sure where I'm going with that story, and I have to redo the worldbuilding foundations, which will mean revising the foundational story but if that's what it takes for it to work, then that's what it takes. Plus I'm not sure if I'm serializing it on Vella yet. We'll have to see how that plays.

I think Federation Cowboy is going to be pushed back to an October release date but I'm not positive about that just yet.

The new computer glasses have made a significant difference in reducing my eyestrain--I somewhat needed them before the cataract surgery, but wanted to give my eyes time to adjust. The new glasses also have a blue blocker and that's wonderful. It really does make a difference, and the coating is also anti-glare.

One thing I have decided is that I'm going to ease off in August. I have been working hard and it's a good time to catch my breath. I want to plan and structure these upcoming stories and get it done properly, plus do research on new marketing and sales options for this fall. Additionally, since I'm planning two trilogies, I have the time to create a proper marketing plan for both of them.

There's also a bunch of non-writing, life stuff going on, some that I can talk about, some not. One that I haven't really been discussing is the world of horses. Mocha is declining, and it's happening quicker than I like to see it this summer. Now maybe the move to new pasture yesterday will help, but then again, she'll have a quick improvement, then further decline. Oh, she still looks good, but energy levels are fading. I don't know. Something happened with her in March-April, and she just hasn't pulled out of it. Nothing that required a vet visit, and when she did go for her routine shots and checkup in May, she passed everything with flying colors. But there was just something. Sigh. It'll be eighteen years together in two weeks. Will we make it to nineteen? Will she make it to her twenty-fourth birthday? I don't know.

In any case, I do a test ride on a new horse tonight. If he works out, Mocha goes on full retirement. And I'll probably do that anyway.

[duraraross]

Fed vs New transcription:

Felix: come on, guys. Let’s not draw this out any longer than we have to.

Tucker: sounds good to me! [takes out sword]

Felix: [laughing] oh no, you are NOT— seriously? You’re gonna go with the sword? Oh, no, oh, okay, alright.

Tucker: what’s wrong? Scared?

Felix: oh, this is gonna be fun.

[scene cut]

Felix: for god’s sake, man, loosen up. You gotta get limber.

Tucker: how did you convince kimball to go to the capital?

Felix: Vanessa? Oh, pfft, she was easy! I just made up some story about how you all died heroically. You should’ve seen it, man. I have the performance of a fuckin lifetime!Got all broken up, threw in a few dramatic pauses, and they just ate it up.

Tucker: so how long have you and locus been working together?

Felix: I’m sorry, I thought we were going to be fighting here?

[tucker charges Felix, Felix dodges and hits him. Felix does a bow and says “round one: Felix” like a douchebag]

Tucker: god, you’re a fucking tool.

[scene cut]

Felix: god, I just really want to savor this. Yknow, once the reds and rebels kill each other, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I mean, we’ve been playing these guys for years. How do you just walk away from something like that?

Tucker: what happened to retirement?

Felix: oh, well, yeah, I’ll be filthy stinking rich. But I’m still in my prime! [transcriber’s note: he is in his late 30s] there’s so much more I could do.

Tucker: keep talking, asshole.

Felix: well, the thing about that is, uh… oh, oh ho ho ho, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? You know, I just realized I haven’t seen your pals in a while. I wonder if they’re trying to get the jump on me! [turns and shoots a sticky grenade at the main cast behind him]

Simmons: ah! He knows!

Tucker: no!

[tucker charges Felix again and Felix stabs him]

Felix: that’s the last time you try to outsmart me, Captain Tucker.

[scene cut]

Felix: you still don’t get it, do you? The entire reason you sim troopers were allowed to live this long… is because you’re all LOSERS! Control was confident that you’d do more damage to these people than they could ever do to themselves. I mean, a bunch of idiots in charge of an army? Come on, it was a recipe for disaster! Locus and I figured we’d let you rack up the casualty count then kill you after a few weeks. Oh… but then… you did something special. You gave these people hope! And with that came a new level of motivation. To fight harder, to die faster. All with the belief that their sacrifice might actually MEAN something. But you know what? It all means NOTHING! At the end of the day, if I’m stronger than you, and if I’m faster than you, then I can kill you. And that’s better than anything money can buy.

Tucker: I don’t know man, I think I’d rather be rich than a fucking nut job. What do you think, Church?

Church: yeah, this guy’s got no idea what he’s talking about.

Felix: what the… what the fuck is this??

Tucker: oh, this is church. He’s the AI that helps me run my equipment.

Felix: [voice cracking] what equipment??

Tucker: my helmet cam.

[silence]

Tucker: oh ho! Someone just got fucking busted!

[tucker’s video of Felix being evil plays to everyone, and everyone realizes he’s been playing them]

Small Bracket Round 1-27

He's Horrible (❤️ ω ❤️)

Warren Kepler (Wolf359): Fans say: "smug ass bastard man he's so entertaining he's awful and horrible and i want to punch him in the face he's the character ever."

Isaac “Felix” Gates (Red vs Blue): Review: He’s horrible he’s my favorite character he’s a monster he’s never done anything wrong he’s committed war crimes he’s my little Angel he came straight from hell.

Marcus Cutter (Wolf359): Fans say: Worse than Kepler

[x3rrorx]

Can someone explain to me what in the hell is going on? I’m genuinely confused, I logged in on my x account and I see a bunch of people fighting invisible shit? Someone saying that someone shouldn’t be proud in being a mean girl, others coming for bad omens throats because they don’t wanna interact with the fans? And I just literally saw a video of Noah interacting with a fan who was wearing a frog hat, others literally shitting on them for not being like other bands who get themselves involved in everything? I’m so sorry for what I’m about to say but people need to calm the hell down because a good chunk of you are looking really stupid right now, I came to your blog with hopes of answers and I’m even more confused now because a bunch of anti blogs were around? And why the hell are they attacking you for just existing and running a silly blog?

This is not for you Brandi so please don’t even feel attacked by this, fans need to learn that band members are humans with feelings, they get fed up, they get tired, they get angry, they’re not our puppets that we could do as we please with them, the majority of this fanbase is so used to saying something and their ‘idols’ doing as they say that now a band like bad omens are being perceived as rude or money hungry for being private and setting boundaries, in my eyes they’re just a bunch of dudes who love making music and are making money out of it because why the hell not? Fans need to understand that there’s a lot they might be putting to risk when they decide to speak about something even if it is insignificant (like jolly joking about the fans)

These dudes own us shit about their private lives, what they own us is music and merch that we are paying for it and as far as I seen they’re delivering exactly that, the singer can’t be around anyone without rumors of him fucking someone starting, the rest of guys can’t do shit without people saying their tour manager is forcing them to do it (which by the way tour manager and actual manager are Two different people because I do remember Noah saying their manager was in a show the other day) their crew can’t say shit either about CREEPY ass fans because these people believe they’re being attacked 24/7 I got news for ya even the bands are being attacked 24/7 by their own fans no one is ever truly happy about what they are doing, bad omens and their fans are not an exception to fucked shit that’s always been happening in the COMMUNITY if anything they’re being an exception to not feeding rumors and delusions.

Y’all need to understand that the industry it’s a business where you need to sell one way or another, we are lucky they haven’t said they’re gonna retire after this cause all I’ve seen it’s people complaining left and right and the moment someone might agree or show appreciation to the guys they also get attacked and called misogynist or a dick rider for being a regular fan, have y’all seen the shit that goes down in the sleep token fandom? Notice how not a single one of their fans actually gives a shit about what’s being said about them? We literally had the entire community coming for a girl’s ass for wanting to expose their identities even the people who didn’t like them said how fucked up it was, and what does bad omens get in return? A bunch of psychotic people lurking their private shit and becoming friends with their exes and even posting private pictures of one of them as a minor, hell y’all even went as far as involving people who are not longer in the picture and people that had absolutely no idea what was going on. They own us shit if anything the majority of these ‘fans’ own the guys (especially Noah) an apology, these ‘fans’ own the actual fans an apology for harassing them, these ‘fans’ need to calm the hell down and think about all of this it’s affecting many many people, hell even Sumerian had to stop posting about a band THEY are REPRESENTING because someone threatened to sue them, so congratulations so call ‘fans’ you guy have managed to probably ruined a lot of shit for the band and for those who enjoy it.

[dat-town]

dude, but like romantically

Characters: Mark Lee & female reader

Setting & genre: college au, friends to lovers, ‘and they were roommates’, slice of life, fluff, comedy

Summary: You expected nothing but stress from your last college semester, so when Mark Lee came along and called you dude, you had to re-calculate everything.

Warnings: semi-typical college parties, alcohol consumption, Mark is precious (#SoftMarkLeeHours) and a funny drunk, he also ruins eggs like a pro, slow burn, stressing out your friends with your obliviousness like it was graded, i know nothing about basketball and it shows, includes discussion about the stress and uncertainties of being a senior at college, bunch of nct and 99-line cameos

Words: 10k

Author’s note: this in no way tries to represent korean universities’ last semester since i wrote it based on my own alma mater. the whole thing actually started because Johnny said Mark plays the guitar shirtless in the dorms

This is dedicated to @restlessmaknae because I thought a college au with a 99-liner would be quite fitting today. Congratulations on officially graduating! <3

Mark Lee was a friend of a friend.

Sure, you had seen him around before. You had known of him just like anyone else who wasn’t living under a rock during their college years since he was not only a player of the university’s basketball team (Go Eagles, the crowd would cheer enthusiastically) but he was also part of Johnny’s crew which meant he was at every social get-together this campus had seen.

So yeah, you had probably run into him at some party, maybe even clinked your shot glass to his once without caring too much about who sat at the table, maybe bumped into him on the corridor of the apartment complex close to college where most of the residents were students you knew hence where half of the house parties you had attended had taken place. You had heard that he was a funny drunk, that he had the most random philosophical questions at 2AM in the morning, that his history with eggs had gone deep (whatever that meant, you didn’t dare to ask) but most of all, that he was overall a nice guy. Nobody had ever breathed a bad word about Mark Lee, so that was the only reason why you were contemplating on agreeing to this ridiculous idea despite not even knowing the guy.

“Come on, it’s not like you have to move in with him until you go to retirement. You need a place to stay and he needs a new flatmate to share the costs with. I’m pretty sure he would be down for a short-term stay too,” Johnny pushed the plate of snacks towards you as if he told you to stop moping and just take this opportunity that had presented itself in front of you.

“And you’re not saying that only because you feel bad for ditching him for your girlfriend?” you raised a brow challengingly which earned you a snicker from said girl.

You and Sohyun had shared a few classes and became quick friends despite her being a year above. It was through her that you had gotten to know Johnny and his broad friend group at all. The couple decided to move together now that Sohyun was about to start her masters and that left Johnny’s old flatmate alone.

“Well, it’s not me crying over my French fries in a diner because I have a shitty landlord kicking me out, am I?” Johnny retorted and you knew he was right.

You needed a solution and you needed it quickly because your landlord apparently got the offer of the century and would sell his apartment to some big corporation to build an office there. You got exactly two weeks to move out and you had already spent one panicking. At this point you really just needed a place to stay until you figured your shit out and found a proper place to live because the new semester was coming up quickly.

“I hate it when you’re right,” you muttered under your breath, sipping on your shake with a resigned sigh.

“Then you must hate me a lot. Don’t worry, Mark is a great flatmate. Just don’t ask him to cook for you because he’ll end up burning the kitchen down or poisoning you,” Johnny shrugged and it made you chuckle until you realized that you were the only one laughing. It must have been a joke… right?

Or maybe not, because the moment you stepped into the flat for the first time, you could already smell something burning. Luckily, there was no smoke or any other worrying factor but still, you froze out in the hallway, toeing off your shoes tentatively.

“Hello?” you questioned in a small, uncertain voice while pulling your suitcase after you.

Mark Lee apparently agreed to you moving in to his empty room without even meeting you before because to quote Johnny ‘yeah, he was cool with it’ which was crazy to you but maybe it was just you, overthinking everything and being paranoid about sleeping under the same roof as people who could turn out to be serial killers. Okay, not to be so drastic but still. You are moving in with a stranger though, so maybe you’re just as crazy.

“Hey!” A boy, familiar enough but not quite, walks out of what you assume is the kitchen with a plate and a huge grin plastered on his face as if he didn’t wear his tee inside out and had bed hair while doing so. His round glasses sat on his nose a bit lopsided but it only added to his casual home-y look.

“Toasts?” he offered the content of the plate in hands and ah, so it was the smell, you note, glancing at the black spots on the bread.

“Uhm, no, thanks,” you mumbled slowly, not wanting to offend him by rejecting his kindness right off the bat but you also tried to keep yourself to Johnny’s advice which for once didn’t seem unfounded. Who let this guy into the kitchen when he could burn even his toast?

“Wise choice, man, I’m not even sure this is good for my health to be fair,” Mark Lee giggled, honest to god giggled, with a boyish smile stretching across his face and bit into the toast anyways before he showed you to your room, mouth half-full with bread.

He didn’t ask dozens of questions like why you were looking for a room, how long you were planning on staying, about your habits like the owners of all the other places you had checked out had done, instead he kept apologizing about the state of the room because he hadn’t really cleaned it since Johnny had left. He even helped you carry one of the suitcases after he put down the rest of his burnt breakfast. He told you about the neighbours (like the scary girl with the barking dog across the corridor and the Chinese students right next door) and house rules about the apartment like the recycling principles and how they had this system with Johnny about taking out the rubbish.

“Not that I expect you to adapt to everything I used to do with Johnny, just you know it seems fair,” he quickly explained, looking a bit anxious about this whole rules thing until you told him that it was okay, he should have continued living how he had done before and you would go along with it. You didn’t want him to make exceptions because you weren’t friends or just because you were a girl. You believed in equality, so you could take out the rubbish just as much as he could clean the bathroom after himself. Mark chuckled at that and nodded with a wide smile before remembering his poor coffee that must have gone cold on the kitchen counter. You told him you would be okay alone, packing out, and you would look for him if you had questions. The boy who had previously said that he was cool with you moving in seemed way too relieved hearing that, so maybe you weren’t the only one worrying after all. It started off well though.

Maybe it was because you had never had close guy friends before – since you only tended to befriend guys through your friends already – but living with Mark was a much simpler affair than what you had thought. You had all these crazy what ifs about boy and girl cohabitation and the awkwardness of it but the first time the boy saw you in your shorts and Harry Potter tee you used as a PJ he was like yo dude, which house would you be in? I’m a Hufflepuff. So maybe it was rather just his personality, making everything nice and casual, so all your previous stereotypical fears about living with a guy had disappeared once you realized your flatmate straight out dude-zoned you.

"Yeah, that sounds like Mark," Mina laughed when you met for the first time since your move in with the boy. She had known him because they had shared a few classes and because she had to interview him after last season's winning match for the university journal. “He is practically friends with everyone.”

And he really was. The basketball team was one thing but you once went to the corner coffee shop together on your way to the campus and he was on first name basis with the baristas then you ran into some upperclassmen who were clearly fond of the boy and he had mentioned so many names and programmes (dinner with Jungwoo on Friday, Ten needs him for something on Saturday then helping Jisung with an assignment on Sunday and so on) only a few days into you living together that you wouldn’t have been surprised if he knew the whole university. He seemed to have a social battery incapable of running out and seeing how easy-going he was with everyone, you were not really surprised when he asked about going to a party together only a week and half into living together. You were actually in the middle of doing your makeup when there was a knock on your door and inviting him in, Mark peaked in.

“Hey, are you coming to Johnny and Sohyun’s housewarming party?” he asked and when you told him that you were just getting ready actually, his whole face brightened like fairy lights during the festive season. “Cool, wanna go together?”

“Sure,” you nodded because you didn't see anything weird in it. Actually, it would have been even weirder if you went your separate ways when you lived at the same place and your friends knew.

Mark disappeared from your door then and came back not much later with a white tee with a funny print and a black sleeveless band shirt, holding them up for you to see.

“Which is better? I mean, I like the white one but I’m a bit afraid things will get out of hands tonight and I will spill something all over it, but it’s not that hot to–”

“Wear the black and put on a jacket,” you decided before Mark could have gotten into his long psychological rants about the subjectivity of body temperature. You honestly doubted he would have gotten cold wearing a sleeveless shirt at a party while based on what you had heard of him, you could indeed see him ruining his white clothes with something sticky and colorful. Mark didn't even question your choice though, just went with it with a thumbs up and you had to admit he looked good in that varsity jacket he had thrown over the tee.

There was no awkwardness in the air as the two of you were riding the subway, unlike what you expected, because Make made it easy to talk about even the ridiculous things. He told you funny stories about Johnny and in exchange you told him how you had gotten to know his girlfriend and once you two had gotten to the apartment, greeted by the hosts with wide smiles, you gave Sohyun the kitchen supplies kit you had brought (and Mark helped you carry with more enthusiasm you would have expected from someone who hated the gym) thinking of the girl’s shock at the lack of proper equipment at their new place. Sohyun beamed at you and nudged Johnny in the side who in exchange offered you two welcome drinks.

Afterwards, you parted ways with Mark, him being swept up by Jaehyun from the basketball team and you looking for your friends. It was like any other loud and fun party, you were pleasantly buzzed but not too much because you knew your limits when you ran into your flatmate later that night again. Or rather he bumped into you, literally, and over the course of the night you had to realize that Mark’s tipsy antics were indeed funny.

“And then… then d’you know what Jeno said?” he tripped over his own words so immersed in the story half of which you didn’t even catch while trying to help him keep his balance. Gosh, being an athlete wasn’t he supposed to hold his liquor better? Or maybe he did, it was just that everyone seemed to push drinks into his hands and he was too nice to reject them.

“I don’t know. What did he say?” you questioned, partly actually curious about the end of the story and partly just to not ruin the mood for the boy. But Mark’s reaction, all wide eyed and genuine, made you chuckle.

“Huh, dunno that’s why I asked you,” he blurted out, looking honestly confused while you not only had no idea what Jeno had said but you didn’t even know who he was.

“Okay, buddy, it’s time to get you home,” you told him and felt like the responsible friend when you had to convince him by promising to buy ice cream because he got all pouty and whiny about wanting to stay because he had so much fun. But you had seen Johnny carry him home before, so you took upon this flatmate duty and left together with him before Mark could have burnt himself (or set something on fire) with the flaming shot he saw Ten making in the kitchen. By the time you made it to the bus stop, Mark stopped whining. Instead he asked you why Johnny didn’t come and you had to remind him that they weren’t living together anymore.

“Oh, right,” Mark mumbled, dozing off on your shoulder as soon as you found a seat on the bus. He looked so cute and peaceful you felt almost bad for waking him up when you got near your neighborhood.

You helped him stumble into his room, preparing painkillers and water for him, helping him take off the jacket he was ready to sleep in before leaving him in his room. You just got out of the shower, ready for bed when you saw Johnny’s text, thanking you for taking care of Mark. The elder might have acted all cool and casual but you got to know pretty fast that he basically looked at the boy as his baby brother, so no wonder he was worried. But lucky for him, you believed it was only human decency to make sure your flatmate got home safely.

Mark though seemed awfully embarrassed by his actions the next day, promising that he wasn’t always like this and swearing he could actually take care of himself. He also insisted he would treat you to something as a thank you and even though you kept saying it was nothing, who were you to say no to free food?

Weeks passed and you eased into this comfortable situation so well that you stopped looking for other apartments. For one, you didn't really have time besides your studies and internship to stress over something like housing and Johnny was right: Mark was a good flatmate and you got along. Other than having questionable attempts in the kitchen, letting his sweaty stuff go for too long sometimes before doing the laundry and occasionally leaving his stuff wherever, you had no complaints. Being seniors and having other things to do (mainly basketball for him and work for you), you didn't interact more than necessary but didn't awkwardly avoid each other either when you ran into each other in the common areas. Instead you used those chances to catch up.

Since Mark was a creative writing major with a music minor and had been in his very last semester the same as you, you both complained about how many assignments they had made you do. If you had to write another English essay about the difference between the USA's and UK’s political system apart from working on your thesis, you would surely throw a fit. But it’s not like you had a choice, so you wanted to start off your morning with something warm to keep you awake through it. However, you didn’t calculate with Mark being in the kitchen, trying to cook. Emphasis on trying because whatever he was making, it didn’t look half decent.

“What’s this supposed to be?” you found yourself asking after setting up the machine and seeing the egg white smeared in the pan, its edges were already burnt while the middle was watery. Mark in his oversized white tee, face still wrinkled by the pillow, sleep in his eyes, turned to you, confused.

“Sunny side up,” he claimed but even his voice had some uncertainty.

“Nah, that’s not it. That’s disrespect for sunny side ups,” you remarked with a smile hiding in the corner of your mouth and crunching down to find another clean pan and some eggs to demonstrate how it should be done. “I don’t know how you managed to make it stick there but you need to add a bit of oil first. Then wait until the oil gets warm but not too hot, so keep the heat low, and then you can put the egg there. When breaking the egg, be careful not to hurt the yellow part. Like this, see? Then you just wait until the white is set.”

Mark looked at you after your totally normal looking sunny side up as if you were a Michelin star restaurant chef and the sparkles in his eyes and his enthusiasm to try it himself were both endearing. Somehow he still managed to mess up his first two attempts but his third was definitely decent at which he got so proud he snapped a picture for his mother.

“You know if you wanna try making new things in the kitchen, you could just let me know and I’d gladly help. I like cooking, so it’s no bother,” you told him while you finished the eggs as your breakfast (Mark insisting that you should only eat the ‘pretty’ ones). Mark sheepishly agreed and kitchen adventures became the first official flatmate thing you share.

The next thing was the movie nights.

It turned out neither of you went home for the autumn break to be able to work on your thesis properly and Mark had basketball practice too but before you could go crazy because of the amount of academic articles you had to read, you needed some time to forget about schoolwork. The boy must have felt similarly because one night, tired already, he asked if you wanted to watch something and that something ended up being the one of the Spider-man franchise installments at which Mark got so emotional he had to sniffle into a tissue.

"It's just so unfair. Why do good, innocent people have to suffer?" he asked you as if you could have ever answered such a philosophical question. Instead, you just offered him some leftover popcorn and Mark seemed relieved enough (or maybe it was his unstable emotional state) to take it with a small, embarrassed smile. It was actually cute that he didn't try to put on a front, acting all cool and manly as if he wasn't touched (heartbroken) by the scene, you liked that he was so open and sincere. Maybe that was why anxiety wasn't eating you up when you felt tearing up a bit later too. You just knew Mark wouldn't tease you with it, you could really be yourself around him. Just as he was his usual self with out of blue thoughts voiced out when the credits finally rolled.

"If you could have a superpower what kind would you want and how would you use it?" he blurted out and it was such a Mark-like question, random and funny, but deep if you really thought about it. So you gave it a thought now because you never really wondered before. You ended up saying something that hopefully would help with your constant overthinking.

"It would be nice to have a hunch whether I would regret a decision I'm about to make. So maybe a 6th sense about the future. What about you?"

"Oh man, I like that one! It's cool!" The boy shot a smile at you when you turned to him, clearly glad that you indulged him with a proper answer. "If I were to have a super power, I would want to see through walls and other objects. It could come in handy to avoid awkward situations or possibly dangerous situations. I mean my eyesight is pretty bad, it would definitely help though," he chuckled and you joined in but mostly because his laugh was so addictive.

After that you kept asking each other if the other wanted to join for a movie whenever one of you was free and somehow you ended up watching either Marvel movies or those thought-provoking drama ones over the weeks.

To be fair, Johnny warned you. You just thought he was joking, just to annoy you. Apparently no, because Mark Lee was indeed playing the guitar shirtless in your living room.

“Sometimes he picks up his guitar and just plays it half-naked,” Johnny had said once and since it had already been weeks since you had shared a living space with Mark without seeing him like that, you had waved it off as a silly joke but Mark just had to prove you wrong.

He looked like he just woken up, his hair was still like a bird's nest and he only had sweatpants on. He had his guitar on his lap and his phone in front of him on the coffee table as he was humming along while playing. He definitely didn't do it on purpose, he probably didn't expect you to be back from your morning lecture so quickly but it was canceled last-minute, so you had to go back if you didn't want to spend hours in the library until your next class.

So there you were, back in the apartment, standing awkwardly in the hallway before reminding yourself to snap out of it. Staring at him was just so rude and so shallow, not to mention it wasn't like you hadn't seen guys shirtless before, it was just surprising because you had only seen him stroll around the apartment in oversized shirts and hoodies. No big deal, really, so you shouldn't have turned it into one.

"Hey," you cleared your throat, getting the boy's attention. "Class got canceled, so I made my return trip worth it," you said, putting down a cup of his to-go coffee from your favorite store on the campus.

"Oh, hey, uhm... thanks," Mark mumbled, visibly flustered, pulling the guitar to his chest as if it could have hidden him, or well, his embarrassment.

It didn't work but you didn't want to make him more uncomfortable, so you just shrugged, telling him that it was no problem and turned your back on him to go back to your room. Later, when you came out again, Mark was already decently dressed, supposedly going out later since he wore nice jeans and a button up over a simple tee. You didn't want to make the atmosphere awkward, not when you felt comfortable around each other in a way you wouldn't have expected from just any flatmate.

"I didn't see you play the guitar before," you commented, curious as you lifted the tea pot and refilled your mug. Sure you heard guitar playing since living together it was inevitable but you knew for a fact that Dejun from next door also played it, so you couldn’t be sure who it came from.

"Ah yeah, I got rusty lately, I need to get back into it. I can play a bit of piano too but I'm better with guitar," the boy admitted sheepishly and honestly, your not musically talented person was already impressed he could play one instrument. So since Mark seemed happy to talk about it, you inquired whether he was practicing for a class or it was just something he wanted to learn and the boy answered with so much enthusiasm! Oh gosh, he was all big movements with his arms, his face expressive as he was talking about this one prof causing most of his sleepless nights and time flew so fast, you only realized you you had to go to uni when your phone buzzed in your pocket, the calendar notification clear over your lock screen.

After that ‘incident’ you didn't catch Mark shirtless much more, mostly because he seemed slightly embarrassed and not because you had any problem with it. It was his home after all, he should have been comfortable, though now that the colder weather creeped in, it probably didn't matter that much either. But now that he knew that you didn't mind his impromptu guitar sessions, sometimes he knocked on your door just to show you something or ask your opinion about a melody he just came up with. You knew nothing about music, so you doubted you were any help but he came to you anyway and you were happy to listen.

You shouldn't have listened to him, however, when he told you beer pong against (samurai) Yuta and (vampire) Jaehyun would be fun at the Halloween party. You didn’t even know why you let him convince you to play with him (okay, it was his pout’s doing) but you were losing at an embarrassingly quick rate. Not only did you have shitty aiming skills to begin with, it didn't help that (Detective Conan) Mark who was supposed to be a good basketball player became a giggly mess with worse and worse aim with every cup of beer you two had to drink.

You had experienced it last time as well but he became very clingy when drunk, so you weren’t exactly surprised how he draped himself over your back, chin on your shoulder just to be able to watch the game in a more comfy position, only to whine at every hit his friends had made. You felt a bit buzzed from the cheap beer by the time Jaehyun and Yuta finished off all of your cups but you weren’t competitive enough to get frustrated over losing a game like this, not even if the guys teased you that they barely got anything to drink with how many shoots you and Mark missed. Your flatmate whined, high-pitched, and you had to admit it was cute how his hyungs babied him even if it was just a ruffle of hair. Small affections like this seemed to make Mark seek more warmth and comfort, cuddling on the couch with his friends just as you excused yourself to find your own friends.

“Hey, girl, where have you been?” Jungeun pulled you into a hug immediately, cheery, loud enough to hear above the music.

“Sorry, I’ve been swept by Mark’s friends, playing beer pong,” you explained, not paying attention to the knowing look the blonde girl exchanged with Jinsook next to her.

“I thought you don’t like beer pong.”

“I don’t, it’s a silly drinking game,” you shook your head but you had to admit, you had fun with the boys. Not necessarily because of the game itself or the alcohol but their company was amusing enough to make up for your dislike towards the silly rules. So maybe Mark was right and you had a good time but before your friends could have interrogated you more about it, you bombarded them with questions and the conversation shifted towards this flirty guy at Jungeun’s dance class and Jinsook’s troubles with her terrible thesis advisor.

After a dozen songs you danced to with the girls and your throat started hurting from trying to speak over the music, it was late enough for you to call it a day and you said bye to the girls. When you checked your phone, you found a bunch of random texts with million typos from Mark and a video of him saying sorry to a door frame after bumping into it as courtesy of Johnny. You laughed hard even though it wasn’t that funny and you decided to look for Mark, but in the end it was him finding you.

“Look, look, look, my tongue turned blue,” the boy stuck his indeed discolored tongue out like a child first licking a colorful lollipop and you raised a brow at him, suspicious.

“What are you drinking?” you pointed at the cup in his hands that held a dark drink and Mark’s smile was innocent as he furrowed his brows, trying to remember.

“I dunno. Hyuck gave it to me saying that it’s blueberry juice.”

Gosh, no wonder his friends liked to tease him so much, he was just so gullible he made it easy for them.

“It's definitely not blueberry juice, buddy,” you snorted, amused because Mark with his tongue poking out, eyes wide full of wonder and dreamy smile was rather cute. Or maybe it was just tipsy you’s thinking.

“Don't call me that,” the boy snapped but it wasn’t harsh at all. Instead, there it was again, his pout and big doe eyes looking at you until you didn’t give in. You sighed quietly because you really couldn’t be mad at him, his actions were way too endearing.

“Okay, Mark, what about heading home?” No response. You tried again. “Markie…”

Mark’s face lit up like Christmas lights, his smile splitting his face in too as he nodded, following you outside of the building. He was telling you a story about the basketball tournaments with much enthusiasm but the moment he spotted a stranger walking their dog, he got super distracted and by the time you got on the bus he was insisting to call his friend Chenle and ask about Daegal. You didn’t know the people in question but they probably wouldn’t have appreciated a call at 3AM, so you bribed Mark into calling them later with the promise of scrambled eggs and soup in the morning. Tiredness must have suddenly hit around that point because you were in the middle of reminding Mark about the trash he needed to take out when the next thing you knew was his head over your shoulder, his light snoring making you smile.

You let the boy sleep one stop more than you should have, so you got off the bus a bit late and had to walk back to your apartment complex. Mark didn’t seem to mind though as he suddenly had enough energy to play basketball.

“Pleeeease, just 5 minutes,” he was there again with those pleading eyes and gosh, you should have really learned to say no to him but five minutes wouldn’t hurt, he was about to get tired soon anyway.

“Fine, 5 minutes. But then I’m leaving you here,” you warned him before following him to the public basketball field you walked past on your way.

Sitting on the bench by the side you realized that you haven’t seen Mark play before despite living together for two months because it never occurred to you to visit his matches. You usually knew when they were because he usually told you when he would be back late. So you knew close to nothing about the sport, you found it impressive that he didn’t trip on his own foot this time. Not to mention, it was pretty cute that he kept checking if you were still there, paying attention. No wonder he had to act extra when you let him know that he only had 30 seconds left.

“This is for you, flatmate!” Mark yelled and at his next shoot he totally missed the basket and hit the backboard instead. You couldn't help but chuckle because he had been so confident and now he was pouting. On the way back to the apartment he kept telling you that he was better when he was sober and you believed him since you had no reason not to.

You felt the boy’s eyes on you while you juggled your keys out of your purse and opened the door for you, not moving until you pulled him inside.

“Cuute~” he cooed at you as he tugged on your Hufflepuff scarf and suddenly, you didn’t know what to say but apparently Mark didn’t expect you too because he had already turned his back to you, walking towards his room.

“Don’t get on your bed like that, you have beer stains on your shirt!” you called after him, not sure if he took it seriously before shutting yourself in your room with a sigh. Yet, you couldn’t wipe the smile off your face.

Mark might have been childish and reckless when he drank more than he should have but overall, he was a pretty dependable guy. He never forgot when it was his turn to get the groceries or clean. He was considerate of your sleep schedule even if his was crazy sometimes. He got you your favorite green tea even if he hated it and complained about it smelling like grass. Not to mention, he was there for you when you fell sick at the worst possible time. Two weeks until your thesis deadline and fever decided to hit then. You were a shivering, aching mess, barely having enough energy to go out to the bathroom and Mark, the sweetheart he was, made sure to refill your tea and water mugs in the room, setting up the humidifier in the morning and he even offered to make you some easily digestible food.

“Please, don’t burn the kitchen down,” you pleaded, tired but with a weak smile.

“It’s just soup,” Mark huffed out, taking no offense as he disappeared off to cook. While he was away, you must have dozed off because he was back way too quick and the air was already filled with delicious smells.

“Eat up. I promise you’ll feel better if you don’t sleep on an empty stomach,” Mark spoke up, patiently waiting for you to sit up before giving you the tray with the bowl and a spoon. You tentatively ate a spoonful of the hot soup, painfully aware of the boy’s eyes on you. When you gulped and reached for another spoonful, Mark leaned closer, his doe eyes wide while watching your expression. “Is it good?”

He sounded nervous and you felt like chuckling..

“So good,” you admitted, letting the soup’s warmth spread all over.

“Thank god, I followed Jaemin’s foolproof recipe step-by-step,” Mark let out a relieved sigh and probably because you were sleep-deprived, tired and sensitive, you felt tearing up. Last night when you struggled through hours alone, not wanting to wake him, you felt really weak and alone but now there he was, caring for you. You didn’t expect him to, he offered willingly and it made you feel touched.

You ate the soup diligently and followed Mark’s advice on trying to get some actual sleep afterwards. Your limbs and head still hurt, so it wasn’t easy but you didn’t wake up shaking and shivering this time. Your fever went down or so it seemed but you felt sticky and gross all over, so you took a shower and tried to make yourself look presentable even if Mark had seen you much worse before knocking on his door.

“Hey.” His smile was so soft, so caring as he turned to you right away. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better,” you shot him a shy, grateful smile. “I just wanted to thank you and ask if we have more of that soup.”

“Oh yeah, I’ll bring some–” Mark stumbled onto his feet no matter how much you protested that you could do it on your own if he just told you where he put it.

You followed him to the kitchen despite his objections and there, you suddenly understood why he didn’t want you there. The kitchen counter was a mess, the sink had a cooking pot with burnt marks on the bottom in it

“I didn’t want to wake you up by cleaning up,” the boy scratched the back of his neck sheepishly and even though you normally disliked messes like this, it was different. He was considerate and sweet, trying his best instead of ordering in even if cooking wasn’t his forte, you appreciated it a lot.

“It’s okay,” you smiled and heated up some more of the soup before settling by the dining table with two blankets over your shoulders while Mark put the kitchen back into its original shape. You almost finished with your bowl, swallowing down each tasty bit of it by the time he sat across you, a smile tugging on his mouth.

“So cute,” he blurted out when he saw you all bundled up and his words could have been teasing yet they sounded fonder than anything else. If you felt heat rising up in your cheeks, you blamed it on the fever.

“Not cute, I’m still sick,” you whined but you could hardly blame the way your heart skipped a beat on your sickness when Mark reached over the table to put his hand over your forehead in order to check your fever. Maybe you should have got that checked out though, just in case.

After recovering, you spent the following two weeks worrying about every single thing in your thesis – like what if someone will excuse you of plagiarism because of a weirdly worded phrase, what if the formatting is totally off and you will end up losing way too many points or what if the judge will simply dislike your topic and evaluate it negatively? – but once you handed it in, there was no way back and you refused to even think about it until you had the results. Mark finished up pretty last minute (but with two majors, it was still impressive that he didn’t faint out of fatigue at one point) but once both of you had this rock off your chests, you celebrated with ice cream. Eating it out of the tub on the living room couch made you nostalgic.

“Do you ever wonder if things will change after graduation? Like you know, the big adult life… Sometimes it just scares me. I still feel like a kid not knowing a thing,” you spoke up, not ashamed to talk about such things in front of Mark. You knew he would have never judged you for thinking in a certain way.

“Really? But you look… so well put together, like ,you know, someone who has their shit together, knows what they want and stuff,” the boy gaped at you, surprised at which you let out a small, embarrassed sound which made him continue. “But yeah, I get that, man. Like I might pay for my own stuff but still. I don’t want to grow up yet.”

Being young adults in your early twenties there were so many expectations thrown at you by family, friends and society, it was almost impossible to meet them all. It was nice that someone else understood it, your concerns but not in the YOLO kind of way but he actually took it seriously. He encouraged you when you told him about your worries about regretting your choice of major later on, and how you felt about the job market. In exchange, he told you how afraid he was drifting apart with his friends after college won’t give them a reason to meet up frequently. Or that he would miss playing basketball once he wouldn’t be part of the team.

“Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous about the game on Friday. Honestly, I don’t even care if we win or lose, I just want to give it my all and have fun. It will be my last time with the whole team after all,” he confessed, mixing the melted ice cream with his spoon.

You were sure nobody would stop him from going back to practices since all of the guys seem to adore him. You had seen that buff guy, Jeno, get flustered when Mark had bought him pain relief patches. Or how that tall freshman, Sungchan, went all ‘hyung, you didn’t have to’ when Mark treated him to a meal in-between classes. Mark really cared so much about the people around him and he probably didn’t even notice but you were sure everyone would miss his presence. You sure would. So you told him all that, determined to reassure the boy but you just ended up getting flustered yourself as you watched his ears burn red.

“Khm… actually I wanted to ask you if you would like to come to the game? You know, to show you that I can actually play,” Mark laughed awkwardly and even though you had never really been the sports kind of person, after that drunken mishap of his on Halloween you were actually curious about how he was on the field. Plus you would have never said no to an invitation to the season’s last game which was so important for him.

“Sure. Should I do anything special? You know those war marks on cheeks or something like that? I don’t know how basketball games work around here and I don’t think I have anything in the uni’s colors,” you admitted and you were ready to ask Yuqi what she usually wore in case Mark wasn’t helpful and said whatever or ‘you don’t have’ but he did none of that.

“I mean, you can wear my extra jersey,” he blurted out the offer and even though it was supposed to be nonchalant based on his casual tone, the way he avoided your eyes made it endearing.

“Okay,” you answered softly and Mark’s eyes widened as he looked up at you in disbelief.

“Okay?? I mean, yeah, okay, cool,” he muttered, stuffing his face with more melted ice cream and you could barely suppress your smile, heart beating as if you just ran after the bus.

You weren't exactly sure when this thing between the two of you started shifting. Or maybe it was just your perspective but lately you had been catching yourself noticing things about Mark you haven’t before. Like those adorable moles on his cheek and neck, the way he squinted sometimes even with his glasses on, that crooked smile of his when he found something amusing or that he always wore hoodies so big, the sleeves were too long even for him. You got fond of ridiculously mundane things like him slipping into English mid-sentence, slapping people around him when he laughed so hard or that he just couldn’t shut up during movies. The number of things he did that made your heart flutter became alarmingly high as well when he started covering you with blankets or his sweaters during movie nights, letting you fall asleep on his shoulder in the living room and instead of waking you up, he suffered a neck pain the next day without complaint or singing you songs as lullaby when you couldn’t sleep. Add giving you his freshly washed jersey to the list as well.

Yuqi was the first one to point it out as you were getting ready for the basketball match. She helped you style the jersey, tucking it inside black jeans and making a high ponytail out of your hair to show off the Mark 02 written on the back.

“Do you like him?” The girl asked, straightforward as always and you blamed the yelp you let out on a particularly harsh movement of the hair brush.

“I… is it that obvious?” you asked, bashful, because you felt like it was useless to deny in front of Yuqi. She snorted, raising an eyebrow before grabbing an eyeliner off the table, ready to attack you.

“You do realize only you find even his dumb jokes funny, right?”

“What, why? He’s hilarious!” you protested, really thinking so, and the girl laughed as if she just proved a point.

“Don’t worry, it’s cute,” she reassured you and before you could have asked what was so cute, your crush? she ordered you to close your eyes and let her work her magic.

So you did, feeling blush creeping on your cheeks under the thin layer of foundation she applied. Smokey eye shadow, pink lip gloss and lilac-gold lines over your cheeks later, Yuqi said you looked so good Mark would be stupid to not feel lucky. Honestly, you weren’t so sure about that since you knew Mark didn’t care about looks that much and actually it wasn’t your appearance that made you feel uncertain around him. It’s just… he was so casual and friendly with everyone, you weren’t sure whether he would have acted like this around every girl he ended up living with or you were a tiny bit special and you didn’t want things to become awkward between you two if you misread the signs and he didn’t feel the same. It could have made living together very uncomfortable.

An hour later you arrived at the basketball field of the campus and feeling a little out of place, you just followed Yuqi and joined some other friends in the standee area. You tried not to feel all too conscious of the eyes on you, or rather on the shirt you wore, and just hollered when the Eagles made their way onto the field and the game was starting.

It was crazy, the buzzing adrenaline of everyone around you, the way people grunted together in disappointment or cheered in unison when a team scored a point. You still didn’t really get the rules or why certain shoots meant more points than others but you had fun. And of course, you couldn’t stop looking for Mark among all the players, being impressed by how fast he moved and how precise his shots were. He was indeed better than that one time you saw him play drunk. You got so invested that you couldn’t stop screaming, encouraging the boys towards the end of the game. You jumped into Yuqi’s arms, hugging her for dear life when Chenle scored the winning goal, everyone attacking the freshman (with hugs and love) on the field.

The players were quickly ushered to the changing room, so you had no chance to talk with Mark but since basically everyone from your university in the audience ended up at Jaehyun’s for the after party, you believed you had a good chance to do so there. But before you bumped into Mark, you managed to run into Ten instead. The Thai guy was one of Johnny's best friends and then he was giving you such a knowing look that you couldn’t help but feel self-conscious under his gaze.

“Sooo did Mark finally tell you?” he raised a brow, sipping on his suspiciously orange-looking drink as he pointed at your outfit.

“Uhm, tell me what?” you muttered, dumbfounded and Ten just laughed, waving it off.

“Nothing then. Have fun!” he winked and walked away with such a shit-eating grin that left you even more confused. He was barely out of sight when Mark showed up by your side.

“What did Ten hyung want?” he asked, visibly concerned, which was the last thing you wanted him to do. He should have been happy, celebrating, because from what you had seen he gave his all for his last match with this team just like how he wanted to do.

“I don’t even know to be honest,” you let out a laugh, turning towards the boy by your side and you took in his look with the ripped jeans and the turtleneck. Gosh, even his hair was fluffy because he must have washed it after the match. It was a good look on him, soft but mature. Mark was looking at you with similar awe in his eyes, a smile tugging on his mouth.

“You really came.”

“I told you I would,” you reminded him with a kind smile. Then you remembered that you wanted him to know that you appreciated the match too and that you found his basketball skills impressive, so you added: “You were really good back there.”

“Thanks,” he smiled sheepishly and cleared his throat. “You look pretty. I mean… you look pretty in general, it’s just… you look different.”

It wasn’t like you never had received a compliment from the boy because he had this habit of calling every living and breathing creature cute but it was different, you could tell he didn’t mean to play it off coolly either.

“Thanks, it’s all Yuqi’s doing,” you admitted with a chuckle, fighting the heat in your cheeks before Mark asked if you wanted to dance maybe. You didn’t even hesitate before agreeing and followed him to the dance floor, not caring about the mainstream music or the stares you two got, not when Mark giggled into your ear when he almost tripped in his own foot because someone elbowed him in the side.

Mark and you spent almost the entire party together after that, just dancing and talking out on the balcony with your drinks in hand, or playing classic card games with friends. By the time the party died down and it was time to leave, both of you were still pretty much sober, so the walk back home promised less chaos than the ones before.

It was a chilly December night, big coats, scarves and beanies on both of you but you were still cold, damn those gloves you forgot to put on! You blew warm air onto your palms, rubbing them together to keep them warmer and the movement caught Mark’s attention. He didn’t wear gloves either but he didn’t even hesitate reaching for your hand and still holding it, shoving it inside his puffy coat’s pocket together with his.

“Better?”

“Yeah,” you whispered, breath caught in your throat, heart overworking.

Hand holding or not, you decided it wasn't the right time to tell Mark how you felt, this was no time for extra pressure. You both still had final exams to prepare for and you knew he would go home for the holidays. You could tell him after that.

Before Mark left for the winter break, you made him his favorite meal and gave him the personalized guitar pick with his name and basketball jersey number on it as a Christmas gift. It was barely anything yet he thanked you dozens of times and hugged you as if he didn't want to let go.

You visited home for the festive days too but because of your internship you were back in the capital in no time. Mark stayed home longer, texting you throughout the days about the most random things (how his mom made him eat so much, his brother’s nagging or the shows he watched with his dad) but the apartment was so empty without him. One day you ended up inviting Sohyun over for lunch and as a package deal, Johnny came, too. It turned out very unfortunate for you because out of all the people out there, he was the one person you couldn’t fool when he pointed at what you wore.

“Isn’t that Mark’s plaid shirt?” his lips curled upwards as he asked, mouth in an annoyingly knowing smirk.

You could have said that it got mixed during laundry but that still wouldn’t have explained why you actually wore it when it was a bit big on your frame. Honestly, you just got so used to Mark covering you with his clothes, it felt almost natural picking it up from the couch where he had left it and putting it on when you got cold earlier.

“And aren’t you hungry? Then stop asking unnecessary questions,” you snickered which made your friends laugh and tease but you knew they didn’t mean anything bad about it. They cooed when you got a text from Mark that made you all smiley. Johnny even prided himself in being a great matchmaker which was a pretty far stretch but you just rolled your eyes at his antics. Maybe you wished he was right, too.

It was a few days into January when Mark got back. There were snowflakes in parts of his hair that weren't under his beanie but his smile was warm as he complained about the cold. You offered to heat some dinner up for him while he unpacked and could barely contain the feelings spreading all over you as he claimed that 'you are the best'. So you put some pasta you made earlier into the microwave and set the table, waiting for Mark. When he got back to the kitchen, he told you all about his holiday and his ride back over his dinner as if he hadn’t texted every hour but you appreciated it, so in exchange you told him about your days and how the internship place offered you a long-term position. Things had started falling into place despite the uncertainties and doubts you still had but it was natural, you were still young, you didn’t have to have it all figured out.

After dinner, you were about to suggest a movie but Mark beat you to it.

“I know it’s late, but actually I brought you a present,” he spoke up suddenly, sounding nervous as he tilted his head towards his room. It already made your heart beat like a drum.

“Oh come on, you didn’t have to just because I–” you protested but still followed the boy into his room.

“I wanted to,” Mark interrupted you gently and handed over a clumsily home-wrapped (so cute!) box he pulled out of his suitcase. You took it curiously and started unwrapping it carefully. The box revealed your favourite brand of chocolate and an old-fashioned cassette with your name written on it with a marker. You suddenly remembered watching an old movie from the 90s when you had told Mark how lovely you found the idea of mixtapes on cassettes because of the effort put into them, but you didn’t think he would remember that.

“I don't even have a cassette player,” you said dumbly, not knowing how to react suddenly and at that Mark let out an awkward little chuckle.

“Oh right, I was supposed to share the Soundcloud link with you,” he realized and after a few clicks on his phone you felt yours buzz in your pocket. “You told me you like to listen to me singing, so I thought I could record these for you to listen to if you, you know, wanna hear some but I can’t be there.”

His explanation was just so him, so lovely, just as the caption of the track he shared with you – songs that remind me of you. You might have been oblivious and uncertain when it came to Mark Lee, everyone’s best friend at college, but there was nothing platonic in the way he patted the bed beside him to get you to sit down and once you did, he put earbuds in for you to listen to the mix of English and Korean love songs he sang in his soft, airy voice. Your heart was struggling against your ribcage as he filled all your senses: his voice singing, his eyes on you, his warm closeness…

The playlist ended with an embarrassed giggle, so Mark-like it made you smile right away. You were glad he didn’t edit it out because it made it more real, more special because of how not staged it was. You wanted to say so much and ask even more but looking into the boy’s eyes, you suddenly couldn’t form any word. It felt like you were in a sweet little bubble in his room and for a moment you wondered whether you were dreaming, dreaming about Mark coming back home, to you, looking at you like that. But it wasn’t a dream.

“It’s… I love it, so much,” you pressed quietly but genuinely. You were afraid you would break this bubble if you said more, or if you spoke louder. You just wanted to stay there, so close your knees bumped into each other.

“I’m glad,” Mark said back in a hush, a chuckle hanging off his lips, words tasting delicate with anticipation.

There was serendipity in the silence that followed. It was in the way Mark’s doe eyes blinked slowly, the way you inhaled sharply or the way he tilted his head, leaning closer ever so slowly. Your eyes fluttered closed right before his lips touched yours for a chaste but heart-shaking moment. It was short but offered enough of a reassurance, just as much as his searching gaze when you opened your eyes slowly after he pulled back a bit.

“Mark…” you whispered, his name tasting like something sweet on your tongue and for a moment, the boy looked distracted. At your voice, he blinked.

“Hm?”

You looked deep into his warm brown eyes, serious before you let your lips curl up.

“No more dude-zoning, okay?” you asked, half-sincere, half-a-joke, and Mark laughed so hard, he almost fell over and out of the bed. It was the kind of sound you wanted to hear so much more often. Even more so, you wanted to make it happen: to make Mark happy.

“Okay,” he promised, breathless, and sealed it with another kiss on your lips, his hand finding rest over your nape. You smiled into it, content.

“Mom, come on, we will be late,” Mark whined as he tugged on his robe, squinting against the sunlight.

“Just one more. Stand closer,” the woman instructed and gestured for you to step closer to Mark and you giggled as you pressed up against your boyfriend’s side, a blushing creeping onto your cheeks even now at the public display of affection.

Neither of you with Mark were big fans of PDA, liking to keep your relationship mostly private save for hand holding whenever you had a chance to do so but your friends kept pushing you, teasing you, saying that they did not believe that ‘you finally came to your senses and got together’, their words not yours. Johnny definitely claimed credit as the main matchmaker but Yuqi kept arguing over it. You didn’t mind, it only showed that they cared and were supportive and only that mattered.

“Perfect!” Mark’s mother exclaimed with a proud smile as she looked down at the photo she just made. Her husband reminded her that all of you had to get back to the hall for the actual graduation ceremony before you would miss the point of it all but you couldn’t mind the woman’s enthusiasm at all as she pulled you into a half-hug as she showed you the picture. She had been the sweetest from the moment you were introduced as her son’s girlfriend. (‘Actually I had a feeling. He was glued to his phone all winter break,’ she shared with you with a smile that made you feel welcomed like a partner-in-crime.)

You waved at your own family who already took their seats and laughed at the tissues your mother prepared as your sister pointed out jokingly. Then suddenly you were surrounded by friends from your grade, excitement clear on all your faces.

“Let’s get it,” Mark hollered beside you as everyone was ushered into the big hall.

The graduation ceremony might have sounded boring but it was the end of an era and you were all so ready for the next one. You were a bit scared, yes, but that was okay, as long as you had good people around you nothing could go too wrong and looking around – at Guanheng and Dejun making funny faces for selfies, Wooyoung pulling on the tassel of Jungeun’s cap, Mina trying to shush everyone before the dean would do so and Mark staring back at you with a fond smile – you knew you were in good hands.

[sweet-seishu]

Secret Santa

Pairing: Timeskip! Mitsuya x Fem! Reader

Warnings: breif mentions of the dirty deed but nothing graphic, fluff, a couple swears? Bad editing and writing

A/N: I always have mitsuya brainrot bye.

“Pick.” Hina said, holding out a bowl with a bunch of papers. You and the rest of your friends were all at Mikey's place.

“Two questions. One, Why are we doing this again?” You asked. “And two, do I really need to participate?”

“Because it’s Christmas and yes.” Hina told you. “Secret Santa’s are fun!”

“Lame.."

“Just pick dammit.” She told you. “Who knows, you may get a certain purple haired boy..”

“Quiet.” You groaned picking a piece of paper out of the bowl. Your cheeks reddened as you looked at the name.

Mitsuya

“Shit.” You muttered.

It’s not that you didn’t like Mitsuya, it was actually the complete opposite.

You loved him, and not in a platonic way. He had been one of your closest friends for a long time, and your feelings only grew the more time you spent with him over the years. Now here you were, completely in love with him.

You looked over to the designer, he was laughing at something Hakkai had told him. He looked over to you sending you a sweet smile, which you returned.

“Well I’m going to retire for the night.” You told everyone. "I will see you all later."

You got up off the couch, waving goodbye as you walked to the door.

"Wait y/n!" You heard Mitsuya say. "Let me walk you home." He smiled at you.

"You don't have to... it's only a couple blocks away." You smiled.

"I want to." He told you before looking back at your group of friends. "I'll probably head home after to, so I'll see you all next time."

You both walked in a comfortable silence while the cold hair was making you shiver.

“You okay?” Mitsuya asked.

“Yeah, the wind is just chilly. I'll be fine though.” You told him.

Mitsuya pulled you into his side, his arms wrapping around you to hopefully give you extra warmth.

"You don't have to do this Kashi..." You mumbled.

"It's okay, I don't mind."

You thanked him as you wrapped your arms around his waist, taking in the warmth he provided.

“So who’d you get for the Secret Santa thing?” He asked.

“Takashi.” You smirked. “It’s called Secret Santa for a reason.”

“Oh come on, you can tell me who.” He smiled down at you, making your heart flutter.

“Absolutely not. Stop being so nosey.” You squeezed his side, making him chuckle.

“I’ll tell you who I got if you tell me.”

“No you won’t.” You laughed.

“Fine, fine. Don’t tell me.” He sighed. “I have no clue what to get the person I got..”

“Same.” You sighed as you reached your place. “Wanna stay and watch a movie?”

“I’d never miss the chance to hang out with you.” Mitsuya smiled. You both entered your place, discarding your jackets and shoes.

You both sat on the couch, Mitsuya immediately pulled you into him, putting a blanket over the both of you. You quickly snuggled into him, letting him choose something on Netflix.

Mid way through the movie, you let your eyes shut, feeling a soft pair of lips on your forehead before letting sleep take you.

•••••

“Hakkai!” You yelled as you saw him walking down the street.

He looked over to where you were with a smile. “Hey Y/N.”

“I need you.” You told him. He immediately blushed.

“E-everything okay?” He stuttered.

Though usually shy with most girls, Hakkai was okay with you, but you still made him very flustered.

“No!” You groaned. “Okay, I got Mitsuya for the Secret Santa thing, and Hakkai, I don’t know what to get him!”

Hakkai let out a breath of relief. He really thought something was wrong.

“Well, what are your ideas so far?”

“Well I don’t know, more threads and needles? A new shirt?”

“Uh, well, those are um-” Hakkai started.

“Terrible! I know.” You put your face in your hands. “I want to get him something meaningful you know? I don’t want to get him something stupid. He deserves the world, if not more. Do you have any ideas?”

Hakkai smirked at you, knowing the feelings you had for his best friend.

“I am planning to shop for who I got, so how about we shop together?” Hakkai said.

You smiled brightly, quickly looping your arm through Hakkai's.

"That would be a huge help, thank you so much Hakkai."

"Of course." He smiled. "But I have a question."

"Shoot." You told him.

"What I should get Baji?"

•••••

“Emma, I really don’t know what to get her. I don’t want to get her something stupid.” Mitsuya groaned.

“Well what are your ideas so far?” Emma asked.

“Well I know she really likes music, so I was thinking new headphones? Maybe some CDs...”

“Those are-”

“Stupid.” Mitsuya mumbled. “Trust me I know. Emma, I need this gift to mean something. I finally want to tell her how I feel, and I want this gift to help me say it.”

“Should just buy her a ring, we all know it’s headed in that direction anyway.” Emma shrugged. Mitsuya lightly pinched her arm making her yelp. “Okay okay, what about a necklace or something?”

“We can look at those I guess.” Mitsuya told her.

“Mitsuya, whatever you get her she will love don’t stress about it.” Emma told him reassuringly.

They walked into a jewelry store, heading straight to look at the necklaces.

“This one?” Emma said, pointing to one with a simple heart shaped diamond.

“Nah, it needs to be something she will love. She isn’t like every other girl you know.”

“Of course I know that, she’s my best friend you idiot. I just figured since you wanna tell her love her that would be a good option.” Emma told him.

“Why did I bring you?” Mitsuya asked, rolling his eyes.

“Because I’m an expert on all things Y/N. Now there is either a necklace with a music note on it, or, there is a really pretty charm bracelet, and you can customize it yourself. If I were you I'd go with the bracelet, it's more personal." Emma said with a small smile.

Mitsuya walked over to the bracelet. Looking, making sure to look at the charm options.

“This is perfect.” He said with a smile. He picked out 3 charms before paying.

“Alright Romeo, now help me find a gift for Chifuyu.”

•••••

You were nervous.

Well terrified was a better word.

It was finally Christmas Eve, the day to exchange gifts. After shopping around with Hakkai, you finally decided on getting Mitsuya a new chain. He had been wanting a new one for a while. This one had a dog tag, which you had engraved with a message.

But you just didn't think that was enough. So you made something for him, that had a personal touch. You refused to put your gifts under the tree. You didn’t want to give them to him with everyone around.

You finally decided it was time to tell Mitsuya how you felt. You knew it was a risk, but you were willing to take it.

“Kazutora, this one is for you, and Draken this one is yours.” Mikey was handing out the gifts. Mitsuya’s was at your place. You bit your lip, looking over to him from time to time.

God he looked so good in his black button up and black jeans. You all decided to look somewhat formal, but you were able to get away with a pair of black jeans and a nice red long sleeve shirt.

“Hina this one is for you, Baji, Chifuyu, these two are for you.”

Mikey had finished handing out the gifts. You furrowed your brows, realizing you didn’t have one. Maybe your name wasn’t in the bowl?

Mitsuya looked around. He didn’t really need the gifts, but he couldn’t help but notice that he didn't have one.

So who pulled his name?

You were playing with the sleeves of your shirt, watching everyone open their gifts. You looked to Mitsuya to see him already looking at you.

He said something to Hakkai quickly before getting up and making his way to you.

“Do you think we could go to your place for a bit?"

You nodded getting up to follow him. You said your goodbyes to your friends before grabbing your coats and walking out the door. You walked side by side, his hands in his pockets and you kept yours in front of you, picking at the skin around your nails.

When you got to your place you felt your heart speed up. It seemed like this was all happening so fast.

"I just need to go and grab something really quick and I'll be right back okay? I'll just meet you in your room." Mitsuya smiled.

"Okay." You told him as he went back out the door.

As you took off your coat and went to your room, Mitsuya met Hakkai a few houses down, both your gifts in hand.

"Thanks man, I appreciate it." Mitsuya told him.

"No problem, just make sure you tell her." Hakka itold him. Mitsuya nodded before saying goodbye to his friend and making his way to you.

You paced around your room nervously, your heart pounding out of your chest while you thought about the gifts hiding in your closet.

You heard Mitsuya walk into your room, making you pause.

“Okay so, I uh- I was your Secret Santa.” He told you.

“Wait, you were?”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to give you your gift in front of everyone.” He said, setting the two boxes down on your bed.

“Wait.” You said, going to your closet and grabbing the boxes that sat there.

Mitsuya looked to the boxes in your hands.

“You were..?” He trailed off.

“I was your Secret Santa.” You blushed.

You sat beside him on the bed, just close enough so your legs were touching.

“You first, but start with the small one.” Mitsuya said quickly. You switched boxes, and you gently started unwrapping the small box.

You bit your lip as you opened it, gasping when you saw what was inside.

The charm bracelet that lay there was so beautiful you could cry.

“Takashi I-” You started.

“Do you notice what the charms are?" He told you.

You examined them, smiling when you saw the music note. Your smile grew wider when you saw the thread and needle charm.

"Are these supposed to represent us Takashi?" You asked.

"Of course." He told you with a smile. "Make sure you really look at the last one okay?"

You looked at the heart closey, noticing the back had been engraved. You read it carefully, tears starting to fall down your cheeks as you did.

For my number one girl, you’re the world to me - Takashi♡

“I love it.” You choked. “Kashi... Thank you.” You wrapped your arms around him, holding him tightly. You let your lips find his cheek before pulling away.

“Anything for you love.” Mitsuya smiled. "Now open the other one."

“Okay." You smiled, unwrapping the other box. When you opened it you couldn't help but let more tears fall.

Inside was a sweater, one that looked just like your favorite one of Mitsuya's, but it was also completely different.

"You made this?" You asked. Your fingers tracing over the dark blue fabric.

"Yeah.. I uh, wanted to give you something with a more personal touch.. I know you really like that one sweater I have, so I figured I'd make you one of your own.."

"Kashi... I don't even know what to say.. This is too much.." You sniffled.

"Sweetheart you deserve so much more." Mitsuya whispered.

You hugged him again, holding him tightly as his arms went around your waist to hug you back.

"You're turn." You said, pulling away to wipe your eyes. "Same order. Small one first."

He grabbed the box unwrapping the paper. His eyes widening when he opened the box and saw the chain.

"I've been looking for a new one of these." He smiled. Inspecting the dog tag that hung from it.

He swears you could probably see his heart pound out of his chest.

For my heart, my soul, my everything. Love always, y/n♡

“Love, this is-”

“It’s totally fine if you want to take it back, I know it’s not the be-” Mitsuya grabbed you, holding you in his arms.

“Thank you." He told you. "This is perfect."

"Open your other one!" You told him, pulling away. He grabbed the other box with a smile as you sat there playing with the sleeves of your shirt.

When he opened the box, he saw a book, a scrapbook to be more exact. It had a picture of you two on the front, which made him smile.

You sat there, nervous as ever as he flipped through it. A smile on his face the entire time as he flipped through all of the memories you two have made together. A few tears left his eyes as he read the cute messages you had under each one.

You didn't even have time to react when he finished looking through it. You were once again pulled into his warm embrace.

You almost forgot how to breath when he pulled away, looking at you with his purple eyes.

"Thank you, for this, for everything." He told you.

You swear he glanced down at your lips.

You took a deep breath. This was it, time to tell him.

“Takashi I have to tell you-”

“I love you y/n.” Your eyes went wide as you heard his words over yours.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve let you finish.” He told you, his face red. “Oh god I should have kept my mouth shut, I’m so sor-”

“I love you to.” You said in a breath. “God Takashi- I love you, a lot.”

Mitsuya smiled at you, grabbing your arm and tugging you so he could pull you onto his lap. You placed your legs on either side of him, his arms going around your waist.

“You love me?” He grinned.

“So much.” You whispered before he placed his lips on yours.

The kiss completely obliterated you. It took your breath away, and made your head spin. You felt like you became whole again, not even knowing that a part of you was missing.

Mitsuya was feeling the exact same. Your lips were so soft against his, they were hot, and gentle. You had his heart in the palm of your hand, and he would completely let you destroy it if it came down it. But he hoped it never would.

You pulled away, but still let your nose graze his as you smiled, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Wow.” Mitsuya breathed.

“Yeah.” You blushed.

“If I knew I was missing out on a kiss like that, I would have told you my feelings sooner.” He told you. You laughed softly, bringing your hand to his cheek.

“When did you start having feelings for me exactly?” You asked, suddenly wondering when his feelings started.

“Honest truth?”

“Duh.” You smiled.

“I liked you as soon as you said hello to me.” Mitsuya told you. “I started falling in love with you, the first time you helped me watch Luna and Mana. I don’t know what it was, but when I saw you playing princesses with them, I swear I saw a whole future with you. The way you were with them, I just knew you were the one. I saw you in a whole new light.”

You pecked his lips softly, trying to keep the tears from falling out of your eyes.

“Now it's your turn.” Mitsuya told you.

“Well, I liked you as soon as I met you to. I mean, look at you.” You smiled. “I fell for you when- well honestly Takashi I can't even pin point when I did. One day I just looked at you, and my whole world stopped. I think it's just because you've always been so caring towards me. You always make sure to put my happiness before yours and I- I think one day it all just clicked for me. I knew you were the perfect guy for me.. ”

“And now you’re mine.” He smiled. "And I'm all yours love."

“Yeah?” You smirked. Mitsuya answered you with a kiss.

“I have one more thing for you.” He told you.

“What’s that?”

Mitsuya's hand went to his pocket. You raised your brow as he dug around for what he was looking for.

When he found it, he moved your hair behind your ear, taking off one of your earrings.

“What are you doing?” You asked.

He only smiled as he replaced your earring with another.

“Now everyone will know you're mine.” Mitsuya smiled. He grabbed his phone, making sure you could see yourself on the screen.

You smiled when you saw the earring that was identical to his.

You looked back to him. “You have all of me, you always have, and always will.”

Mitsuya attached his lips to yours again. This kiss more heated than the last.

Before you knew it, it was skin on skin, soft, yet loud, moans coming from you as Mitsuya brought you pleasure like you’ve never felt before.

It’s like he knew your body inside and out. He could play you like a fiddle.

After you both got your release, he collapsed beside you, pulling you into his chest. You immediately put your arms around his torso, nuzzling your face in his neck while he covered you both with the blanket.

“Well, I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting that to happen right away.” Mitsuya chuckled as he drew along your spine.

“But I am so damn happy it did.” You told him. He kissed your forehead lightly.

“Me to.” He told you. “You know everyone is going to be on our ass tomorrow when we go for breakfast right?”

“Yep.” You told him. “But I don’t care. Let them bug us, I finally have you.”

You glanced at the clock, seeing that it was after midnight. You looked at Mitsuya, smiling when he leaned in to kiss you again.

“Merry Christmas y/n. I love you.”

“I love you to Kashi, Merry Christmas.”

•••••

You and Mitsuya walked into Mikey's place hand in hand, smiling as you saw everyone in the kitchen.

“Merry Christmas guys!” You said happily.

“Merry Christmas… lovebirds?” Hina said with a smirk. You blushed, looking down at yours and Mitsuya's locked hands.

“A Christmas miracle!” Baji laughed.

“Can it dumbass.” Mitsuya told him, grabbing you and him each a cup of coffee. “At least I can get a girlfriend.”

“I’m happy flying solo.” Baji shrugged.

“Won’t be saying that when your 80 and alone.” Mitsuya grumbled. You almost spit out your coffee trying not to laugh.

“Well I’m happy you two finally decided to tell eachother how you feel.” Emma said with a smile. “Now when’s the wedding?”

“Emma!” You scolded. She just shrugged, sipping her coffee.

“She’s not wrong.” Draken said with a smirk. “We all know it’s headed that way anyway.”

“Shut it.” Mitsuya told him.

“Idiots.” You mumbled. “We’re surrounded by idiots."

Mitsuya laughed at your statement, wrapping his arms around you as he looked into your eyes.

“I love you.” He told you.

“I love you to.”

“Wanna know something?” He whispered into your ear.

“Tell me.”

“Out of all the Christmas gifts I could have gotten, you’re the best one.” He told you.

You smiled, your eyes glossing over. “You’re the best present I’ve gotten to.”

You pecked his lips, smiling up at him when you pulled away.

You saw your future whenever you looked at him. He kept your heart feeling full and happier than it’s ever felt.

Takashi Mitsuya had your heart and soul, you were entirely his.

[winter-soldier-vibes]

just a wittle request, could you do something where bucky comforts the reader who has mommy issues after she has a panic attack over the thought of turning out like her mother?

Hi there, sorry this took so long! I still haven’t processed my own so I had to take a few breaks. I apologize if this is off the path of what you meant, I’m going off of my own experience but I know it’s different for everyone.

You're nothing like her.

Bucky x reader

Word count: 3219

Warnings: mommy issues, toxic childhood, talk of divorce, panic attack/anxiety, negative self-talk

A/N: This takes place in a timeline where Bucky is retired

-------------

You did everything you could to avoid it. To avoid her

You left home as soon as you could. When you were in college you were surrounded by people who were homesick, people who wanted to go home, people who finally had to take care of themselves. Things you couldn’t relate to.

You had been supporting yourself most of your life. Not that you had much of a choice. Your dad left when you were younger, your mother blaming it on you. If you had been better, maybe he wouldn’t have left. You, being young, believed her. What else were you supposed to do, growing up in a world that preaches ‘mother knows best’?

Load of bullshit to you.

You knew better now, being an adult, that she didn’t know best. She worked or went out with friends and left you to raise yourself, telling you it was your fault when she neglected her responsibilities. And when you would get upset she would play the victim, crying ‘woe is me’ because you were so ungrateful to the person who raised you after you drove her husband out.

“You know it’s your fault right?” she had snapped at you one night at dinner. There was a graded paper, a B written on the top of it.

“What?”

“You’re the reason he left me. He just couldn’t stand you. You’re the reason why he left and why I’m so miserable now.”

You had felt tears in your eyes.

“Tears, really? Tears aren't going to change the fact that MY husband LEFT.”

Her husband, not your father.

No, you knew better now to know that what she had done and said was wrong. But that didn’t make you forget. It didn’t make it any easier for you.

You went to college, saved up as much as you could, and gave tight-lipped smiles when people asked why you didn’t go home on weekends or vacations. You tried not to talk about her much, but that didn’t stop you from thinking about her.

You had stood at your college graduation, caps thrown and loud laughs and cheers echoing around. There were a bunch of people celebrating around you, taking photos, but you had stood on the outskirts. You had a small smile on your face for everyone else, but you couldn’t help but feel empty inside. You hadn’t made many friends, not close friends, but that was a good thing. You could take the photo so no one was left out.

Not so much of a text from her. She hadn’t come, she hadn’t called or anything.

In a twisted way, you were glad that she hadn’t. She couldn’t make a big deal about how you weren’t the top of your class or how you didn’t deserve to be. How you didn’t have a job set up to start the next week even though you already were planning on submitting your resumes. There wasn’t a way to please her, so it was almost better that she wasn’t there.

You had texted her after a few days and she made up some bullshit excuse that she had forgotten to put it on the calendar.

She liked your Instagram photo though. So thoughtful

You worried you would turn out the same way. Or that she had rubbed off on you in some way. You kept to yourself as much as you could, staying in, keeping your emotions to yourself. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust people, maybe it was, but more so you were worried that you would seem like you were playing the victim.

You didn’t want to bother anyone or make anyone feel obligated to listen to you. You worried that behind your back they would complain about you being emotional or making everything about you.

You worried they would talk about you the same way you thought about your mother.

People are supposed to look to their parents to teach them what to be, yet you found yourself wanting to avoid everything your parents did to you. They taught you exactly who you didn’t want to be.

Your father left. Your mother hated you.

You didn’t share your opinions because you didn’t want to be told you were wrong. You didn’t want to force your ideas onto anyone. Not like what you said would make a difference anyway, not that it mattered in the first place.

You remembered all of the sentences you would start but not finish because no one had heard you. Trying to jump in a few times and eventually giving up when the conversation had moved onto a new subject. All the times people would interrupt or interject, making you feel like you didn’t have something to say that was worth hearing.

You thought it would get better when you got a job. But the pressure you put on yourself to do well in school was transferred to the job you had gotten. You still were afraid that people saw yourself as your mom used to and that you would never be good enough for anyone. You thought that achievements would make you feel fulfilled.

But if you didn’t believe in yourself, what were a few “job well done's” supposed to do?

It made it hard to get into a relationship. People say that “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else,” but that didn’t feel so true to you. It was more that you didn’t trust yourself to love someone else. You worried about hurting whoever you were with, and you told yourself that if you didn’t get close to anyone, you couldn’t hurt them.

But then you ran into him.

He was on a morning run and you were walking home from a night shift, both too tired to see each other coming. You because you had just finished a shift, him because he was running off the nightmare he had had the night previous. Both of you craving a sleep that seemed just out of reach.

You were very apologetic, as was he, both afraid that you had hurt the other. You avoided his eyes even though they were trained anywhere but your own, as he fiddled with his gloved hands and you scratched the back of your neck.

It was the first time either of you had seen someone as unsure as yourselves

You had parted ways with only each other's names. Bucky and y/n.

The two of you crossed paths a few times in the following weeks, eventually getting each other’s phone numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee rather than hoping the other left at the right time. Eventually, the subtle nervous tics each of you had died down as you got to know each other.

For the most part.

You still overly apologized for everything. If you were a few minutes late, if you spaced out...you took the blame for everything.

Traffic had been bad, a storm and an accident causing you to be 5 minutes late rather than 15 minutes early. You had run into the coffee shop, scanning the restaurant with wide eyes when you saw Bucky sitting there casually.

“I am so so so sorry, I should’ve left earlier, there was an accident, I’m so sorry I’m late -”

“Y/n, don’t worry about it,” he had said, a smile on his face and a slight flash of concern on his face. “Seriously, it’s a couple of minutes. It’s literally fine.”

“No, I’m really sorry, I should’ve known or called or something.”

“Relax. It’s totally fine, I promise,” he had said, concern a little more present on his face. “Are you okay though?”

“What? Yeah, I’m good. How have you been with everything?

You wouldn’t let him talk about you. The same way your mother never let you talk about yourself.

Don’t think about her.

He had started opening up to you but you still kept your personal life under lock and key. Your name, how work was, and your physical well-being was about as personal as you got. Even so, if work had been a shit show or you had to pull an all-nighter would go unspoken. He didn’t need the burden of your personal issues. Not when there was nothing he could do about it.

The past was the past, you just had to learn how to get over yourself.

You couldn’t change what your mother had said over a decade ago.

You worried if you talked about yourself at all then you would be making the situation about you. You worried you would project your anger or sadness onto him. He didn’t deserve that. Plus, it wasn’t like he would be able to do anything, right?

You promised yourself you wouldn’t let him get too close. That if he didn’t get close to you, you couldn’t hurt him.

But damn, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t start developing feelings for him. And from the way he had started acting, you thought maybe he was too.

The hugs that were ever so slightly too tight or when he smiled at you a little longer than normal. He had opened up to you about many things in his past, and from the way he talked about it, you could tell he hadn’t talked about it much with anyone else.

You found comfort in your friendship, the way he trusted you. You liked being there for him, and you were honored that he trusted you enough to open up to you. Yet it also made you uneasy that you would ruin it in some way or drive him out.

The same way your mom drove out your father.

Goddamn it don’t think about her.

The closer you got and the closer you and Bucky had gotten, the more nervous you were. That you would turn out like your mother. You were having a harder time keeping to yourself, keeping up the façade that everything was all bright in your world. You wanted to be a light for everyone.

But at some point, days turn to nights and the light gives way to the darkness.

And you weren’t sure how much time you had left before you cracked.

Bucky had started making small moves towards you, and you were trying your best to deflect them in efforts to not fall flat on your face for him. He came over Wednesday nights for a movie and take out with you, and what started as being on two opposite ends of the couch had moved to being next to each other to him having his arm wrapped around you. Sometimes you felt he was a little too close and you would either shift away or get up to grab another drink or ‘use the bathroom’.

When you came back you would make an attempt to sit a bit further away.

Sometimes when Bucky would say goodbye at the end of the night he would hug you. That was nothing new, you were both big on hugs, but lately, he had been hugging you longer or tighter, lingering a few moments longer than could be platonic. You had started ending the hugs earlier, giving him a small squeeze before pulling away.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be with Bucky. It was that you were so scared that you would drive him away, leaving you as soon as you had started calling yourself his.

Which is what brought you here. Bucky had come over for another one of your movie nights and had his arm behind the couch rather than around you. An invitation for you to curl into his side, but he wanted you to make that choice. Eventually, you had found yourself curled up with him, his arm wrapped around you, and you could feel the tension.

You wanted to move away before you found yourself in too deep, but you couldn’t resist. It had been a long day and you found comfort with Bucky. Bucky turned his face slightly towards yours, kissing the side of your temple and you felt butterflies in your stomach. Your mind told you to shift away, to not let him get too close, but you found yourself turning your head towards Bucky and he leaned forward to kiss you gently.

After a moment you broke away, emotion taking over you. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I - I can’t do this,” you said, resting your forehead against his.

“Why not?” Bucky whispered, looking into your eyes.

Because I’ll hurt you.

I’ll disappoint you.

I’ll drive you away and I can’t lose the best thing that’s happened to me.

You sighed, standing up and moving away from Bucky. You couldn’t say those things to him out loud. Not without the entire story. And you weren’t ready to share all of that with him.

Bucky stood up with you, afraid he had just ruined the friendship or whatever relationship he had with you. “Y/n, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

You had already left the room and couldn’t really hear him over the sound of your thoughts.

This wasn’t supposed to happen

I wasn’t supposed to let this happen

How could I be so stupid?

You were feeling tears in your eyes and Bucky followed you, afraid of what he did. Your breathing was picking up and you had started mumbling some of these things to yourself.

“Y/n, what’s happening, what did I do?”

You shook your head “You didn’t do anything, but I need you to leave, please,” you said, trying to hide your emotions. You hated being like this.

“I’m not going anywhere y/n, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of here Bucky! I don’t want your help!” you snapped suddenly, Bucky looking taken aback before your eyes widened.

“Oh god…”

You shook your head and started crying harder, stumbling over your words. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t mean to yell, I’m so sorry Bucky please don’t leave I'm so sorry.”

Bucky came forward and hugged you gently and you cried into his shirt. He whispered comforting words into your ear as you tried to breathe, embarrassed at how vulnerable you were being.

Bucky kept his breathing slow and even, trying to get you to match him. He had no idea what was happening but he knew he needed you to calm down before he asked. Whatever it was had to be something deep, and you weren’t in the space to talk about it right now.

He brought you over to sit on the corner of your bed, still hugging you as you cried. You were mumbling out apology after apology but Bucky wasn’t having any of it. He kept hugging you, telling you that he wasn’t going anywhere and that you were safe. He had never seen you so upset, or upset at all to begin with.

After you had calmed down a bit, Bucky asked you again what had happened. You shook your head, not knowing what to say.

“I’ve opened up about so many things to you, right?” he pulled back to look at you.

You nodded slightly.

“And you’ve never judged me for any of it.”

You shook your head this time.

“Then why can’t you let me do the same for you?”

You took a deep breath, fiddling with your hands. “I don’t wanna hurt you,” you said, not meeting his eyes.

Bucky drew his eyebrows together, still confused. “Y/n, you’ve been the nicest person I’ve ever met. How would you hurt me?”

You were already shaking your head. “No, see, that’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna be nice and sweet and...and I’m gonna fall in love with you, and you’re gonna fall in love with me. A-and then I’m gonna let you down over and over again and snap at you for things that aren’t your fault and...and you’ll get sick of it and leave and I’m going to hate myself for it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, slow down,” Bucky held your shoulders as they started shaking. You brought a hand to cover your mouth, Bucky hushing you again. “What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

You took a shaky breath as you ran a hand over your face. “I’m just like her, Bucky. I told myself I would never let myself be like her…”

“Like who?” Bucky asked, blood already boiling at who made you feel like this.

Her.

You weren’t supposed to think about her.

You promised yourself.

“Y/n, stay with me here,” he said, guiding your face back to look at him. “Who?”

“My mother.”

Bucky looked at you for a moment. “What?”

“You know, mothers bring you into the world. They say a mother knows when something is wrong with their kid, that babies are put on their mother’s chest because the skin-to-skin contact starts the bonding process. They’re supposed to protect you, and love you, and take care of you. But then you start to get older and it’s your fault that you were born when you didn’t ask, or your dad left and it’s your fault before you even knew he was gone. All I wanted was to be told what to do and all she would do is tell me what I did wrong. I can’t be like her and the older I get the more scared I am that I’m going to hurt everyone the way that she hurt my father and me.”

You had started crying again as Bucky looked at you, both broken-hearted and furious that someone would make you feel this way. Not to mention it was your own mother.

You took another shaky breath. “I thought the world of her when I was younger. And she barely even gave me the time of day. I keep telling myself that I’m not what she thought of me, but what if I am?” you shook your head again. “And I am so scared that I’m just like her.”

“Y/n, look at me, I need you to look at me when I say this, okay?” he cupped your face with both hands, wiping away your tears with the pads of his thumbs as he looked into your eyes. “You are nothing like your mother.”

You let out a small sob. “You don’t know her.”

“I don’t need to,” he said firmly. “You are kind and gentle. You work hard and you make sure that everyone is taken care of before you even consider yourself. You aren’t going to scare me away or hurt me.” He wiped fresh tears from your eyes. “You are your own person, your mother has no say in who you get to be. Who you are. You are not your mother, and you never will be.” he said, still holding your gaze.

You held his gaze a little longer, knowing he believed what he was saying. You didn’t, not quite yet, but maybe if he believed in you, you could too. You nodded slightly, giving him the smallest of smiles. “Thank you.”

Bucky returned the small smile. “You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too,” you said, smiling.

You meant it, and you knew he did too. And maybe one day, you would love who you’d become too.

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