#I’m not too worried about the dog cuz he gets into shit all the time and that’s probably what happened

[woundedheartwithin]

I love driving, I really do, but why is there construction on every single road in Texas at all times?

[johnwickb1tsch]

Excessive Force : Tom Ludlow x Fem Nurse Reader (COLLAB W/ THE AMAAAZING @treedaddymcpuffpuff 😘😘😘) - Chapter Thirteen ---> (all chapters)

TW's: abuse of police authority, manhandling, unfair power dynamics, unreasonable hotness in a man this annoying

Days go by, and you don’t hear from Tom Ludlow again. You think to yourself that it’s fine, that that’s exactly what you wanted, but deep down you’re a little pissed off, and more than a little needy. 

Maybe that’s why the next time you have to drive home late at night, you go back to your old, faster route of taking the highway. Defiance roils in your bones like lava churning in a volcano, and you just refuse to be intimidated by that man, even if it means digging your own grave. Figuratively speaking, of course. Officer Ludlow doesn't want to hurt you. He wants to fuck you, and maybe even buy you dinner first, and you might have come around to him eventually if he just hadn’t been such a fucking dick about it.

You’re not hoping that you get to see him again, here on the empty highway. But if you do…you kind of want to fight him. Because someone should tell him what a reprobate he is. Not because you love the fiery feeling you get in your veins, or the spark of wicked enjoyment in his dark eyes.

You’re almost to the exit, and there is no cop car in sight. No flashing red and blue lights. No little wooo of the warning siren behind you. Why are you worried? Why are you disappointed? Why are you pouting like the baby who got their candy taken away? 

There’s a few options, and none of them appeal to you. Sure, maybe you should be delighted that this meathead has decided to either let it drop or get fatally injured—your stomach lodges in your throat at that second thought. That means you won’t have to deal with his antics anymore. But, god damn you, you were starting to really like those antics. 

Tom Ludlow pissing you off has become a vital reason for your willingness to get out of bed, and that thought terrifies you, because this shit never ends well. At least not for girls like you who love too much and expect the same in return. You pulled your heart from your sleeve and zipped it back into it’s protected, designated cavity after a slew of failed one-sided relationships (whether the friend or romantic kind), and now the treacherous organ is trying to claw right back out again for Tom Ludlow to squeeze dry in his big hand. 

You get home, and you feel empty. Bored. Worried about a man who has made your life kind of, if you’re being honest, a living hell. Does that stop you from sticking your hand down your pajama pants and fantasizing about him? From wishing he’d call again? No. Not at all. 

You are loath to admit it, and you’ll take this to your grave, but you’re actually relieved, the next night, to see the twinkling red and blue lights following behind you while you’re pushing 90 in a 70 only half on purpose. 

Your heart transforms into a mini circus as he walks up to your driver's door and taps on the window glass. 

Before he can even open his big mouth, you start in on him. You’ve been planning this spiel for days now, after all, and it would be useless to waste it. “You.” You have to take a minute when you see that he doesn’t sport his usual smirk. “What is a detective like you doing working the complaints desk, and now working traffic at night?”

“So what?” He folds his arms over his chest, biceps bulging through the thick uniform shirt, distracting you from your resolve and switching on cavewoman brain for a minute. 

You almost have to shake yourself to snap out of it. “Are you just playing cop? You’re not even actually on duty right now Officer Ludlow.”

This smile is less ‘playground bully’ and more ‘hungry wolf’. “Are you challenging the law, Miss y/l/n?” 

“No, I’m challenging some dickhead who thinks he’s top dog just cuz he wears a plastic badge. Where’d you get it, anyway? Fisher Price?” 

“Please exit the vehicle, Miss y/n.” 

“This is bullshit.”

“Please be calm.” 

It is the absolute worst thing he could possibly say to you. After a twelve hour shift, your feet are killing you, you’re covered in the grime of your long day, and to add insult to injury–you’re mad at yourself as much as him, because he made you miss him. That is when you do exit the vehicle, and your finger stabs into the middle of his broad chest (and you know part of that bulk is a vest but jesus fucking christ this man is burly in all the right places) and snap, “I’m tired, I’ve had a long fucking day and I don’t need this shit from you.” 

Officer Ludlow takes one amused look down at that finger in his chest and suddenly you are turned around, your palms on the hood of your car. He is tall and broad and warm behind you and fuck you if the cavewoman part of your brain does not respond in the worst possible way, a soft but utterly audible little cry escaping your treacherous lips. You know he hears it by the way he pauses behind you, the way a wolf perks his ears at the sound of a rabbit in the brush. You seem frozen in this ridiculous position for several seconds longer than what is necessary (not that any of this is necessary) and you get the sense that this man is savoring this closeness with you.

“Resisting an officer is a misdemeanor, you know,” he says in your ear, and that low baritone sends a thrill to the marrow of your bones, ties your belly up in knots, makes you wet between your thighs. Hearing him through the phone is one thing, having his breath tickling your skin is an entirely different beast. 

You turn your head slightly towards him, and you know some of the venom goes from your tone but you just can’t help it.  

“What about harassing a civilian?” 

“Depends on the civilian.” Well, isn’t that the truth. Like you needed a reminder that you are, in fact, a nobody with no connections in this town. Although, you doubt that he's telling the truth about it “depending on the civilian”, because he handcuffed and assaulted a popular, lawyer ready ER doctor just days ago. Which is just great, because if he felt entitled enough to do that to Julian, what’s stopping him from doing much worse to you? “Are you armed?”

“Clearly,” you snark, because you’re wearing your cute blue scrubs and it would take a miracle to hide something under the thin fabric. 

“I mean besides that fiery temper.” 

He kicks your legs a little further apart, just hard enough to make your feet slide in the loose gravel of the shoulder, and you think you might self-immolate right there. It’s all you can do, not to arch back into him like a cat in heat. It really has been too fucking long since you got laid. Something firm pokes into the curve of your behind, and it had better be his fucking utility belt. 

He actually starts to pat you down, the cheeky fucker, those big hands making their way lightly down your sides. You know he can feel you trembling under his touch–with fear or excitement, it’s hard even for you to tell. Maybe that’s what makes him bold when he reaches your thigh, those long fingers giving you an appreciative squeeze. 

It reminds you of that time not so long ago, when you’d drunkenly wanted him to slide his hand up your skirt, and he’d refused you. You shouldn’t want that from him, but you do, and that makes you so angry you could spit. Now he thinks he gets to feel you up? Your foot flails out, catching him in the shin with your Croc-clad heel. It totally throws you off balance, sending you down onto the hood of your car, but you are mad and you don’t care. 

“Watch it!”

He, however, couldn’t be more delighted. You can hear the practical glee in his tone as he sings out, “Assaulting an officer? Someone’s just asking to get booked.” 

Maybe you’re a healer by nature, but there is just something about this man that makes you want to commit murder. Just the once. You even think Florence Nightingale would understand. 

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’t I?”

That’s when you realize he probably, absolutely fucking would dare. So far he has proved that he gives jack-all for the rules that should apply to him as an Officer of the Law. And you cannot have that on your record. Even if you told the truth and it turned into some He-Said She-Said bullshit that would drag out for months–years, possibly, even–your license could be suspended. You live paycheck to paycheck in this expensive fucking city. You cannot afford something like that. 

“You asshole.”

“Maybe. But you’re lucky I’m not actually a bad guy, y/n.”

“How do you figure?”

Somehow, his voice lowers an octave, and no matter how livid you are, your lady parts absolutely rebel with an almost violent ache between your thighs. “Because if I was I’d spank that beautiful behind of yours for kicking me. With crocs? Really? I’m going to have to show you a few things, you scare me honey.” 

Is this man offering to teach you to defend yourself in the same breath he’s using to blackmail you? You’re nearly cross-eyed from the whiplash.

“Sorry, I’ll be sure to wear boots next time.”

“Great. Wear them to dinner, tomorrow night. And we’ll forget this ever happened.”

How he knows you’re free tomorrow, you don’t really want to know. 

You feel yourself deflate, knowing he’s finally got you over the proverbial barrel. The thought should not excite you the way it does. “You’re serious.”

“I tried asking nicely.”

“Most men get the picture when you tell them ‘no’ more than twice? A million times? I forget how many.”

“Maybe, except I see the way you look at me, when you think I’m not looking and my ass is hanging out of a hospital gown. I know how pretty you sound, when you orgasm to my voice while I talk you through it over the phone. And when you’re in trouble, I’m the one you know you can call, because I’ll drop everything to make sure you’re safe. So, you’re finally going to give this thing between us a chance, whether you like it or not. Pick you up at eight?” 

You sigh, shoulders slumping, head resting against the warm car. His eyes immediately hone in on the column of your throat, and the way he wets his bottom lip doesn’t seem intentional, which just riles you up even more. You grit your teeth, but it doesn’t really look like you have a choice. “Sure.” Asshole. 

This time, you’re smart enough to keep that to yourself.  

As though he heard you think it, he spins you around, practically picking your feet up off the ground, and braces you against the door of your car, one hand on either side of your head, full wolfy grin sending a thrill of danger through your spine. The way he can just manhandle you like you weigh nothing crosses some vital wires in your brain–you cannot think. 

You try to stay defiant, raise your chin to look up at him, keep some semblance of pride. It’s not fair that he has such sway over you and you seem to have absolutely none over him. You have to even this playing field somehow. 

“Maybe you have a badge and you think that makes you hot shit, but at the end of the day you’re just a bully, Tom.”

His gaze travels up your neck, over your face, until he lands on your own guarded, defeated stare. Something changes in his expression. “You think I don’t know you? Well, maybe you don’t know me either. But you’re going to find out, sweetheart, I’m not a bad guy.”

You eye him suspiciously. “I guess I don’t have a choice, right?” 

He leans down, brings his nose an inch from yours, invades your personal space. For a second, you think he’s going to kiss you, and it makes you go stiff and lax all at once. The heat of his breath tickles over the nerve rich plump of your lips, and they part for him despite your brain’s vehement protest. 

“Right.” He’s gone as soon as he comes, dropping your stomach from throat to feet. You hope he doesn’t hear the desperate, quiet sound that you try to burrow under your tongue.

You think he’s just going to walk away and leave you here in the warm, damp, lonely, dark highway like a sitting duck, but instead he opens your door and motions for you to slide back into your seat. 

“Don’t forget to buckle up, honey.”  As he saunters away, thumbs looped through his belt—God, he’s fucking painfully sexy—you don’t bother hiding the way you watch his ass move this time.

[urhoneycombwitch]

Valentine’s can be a drag especially for those of us with seasonal depression so this one goes out to YOU, my loves. Take care of yourselves and here’s a lil’ Eddie escapism.

cw: depression, fluff, r referred to as girl. also r fits into Eddie's old clothes but in my perfect world everything always fits just right! <3

___

Eddie peers through your front windows, forehead pressed to the cold glass, seeing only a shadowed living room and hoping your elderly neighbor with the yappy little dog doesn’t come out to yell at him again. This is his girlfriend’s house after all, and it’s Valentine’s Day, he’s got a right to be here- even if he looks like a stalker while doing it. 

He’s just worried about you, truth be told- he knows you’ve been feeling low lately, that bone-deep depression settling around you like a cloud you can’t seem to shake. Thing is, Eddie’s great at getting you to cheer up, so he figured when you didn’t return his calls yesterday to make Valentine’s plans he’d bring the outing to you instead. 

He raps his knuckles on your front door again, calling your name in a voice just-below a shout- “Angel, will you let me in? I’m pretty sure my left toe has frostbite, might need you to check it out-”

His ramble is interrupted when the door creaks open, and there you are, his girl- dressed in soft sweats and a thick pair of socks, one of his old band sweaters hugging your frame as you blink in surprise.

“Eddie,” you start, a little unsure, and he realizes in the span of a few seconds that he’s got it all wrong. You look so worn out, like you haven’t slept in days, even worse than when he saw you last. 

His heart twists at the same time your gaze drops to the box of chocolates and VHS tape in his hand, and your voice comes out all watery and it kills him. 

“Oh, shit, Eddie. I completely forgot. I’m so, so sorry.”

There are tears swimming in your eyes now and Eddie’s desperate for them not to spill over; mindlessly he tosses all the shit that doesn’t really matter to the porch and steps forward to wrap you in his arms. 

“Shh, sweetheart, it’s okay. Please don’t cry. You’ve got nothing to apologize for,” he soothes, running warm hands up and down your back, letting you crush your face to his chest. “I’m the one who’s a dope for the holidays, but it’s only ‘cuz I love you so much.”

“I wanted tonight to be special,” you say tearily, shuddering breaths coming too quick as Eddie tucks his chin over the crown of your head and holds you tight. “But I’ve just been so… out of it lately and I lost track of the days and I’m sorry-”

“Hey, I’m serious. No more apologies, ‘kay?” Eddie pulls back just far enough to settle his hands on either side of your face, cool rings at your cheeks as he brushes away your tears. “If you wanna be alone, I get it, babe, we can make plans another-”

“No!” You’re quick to interject, hands tightening around Eddie’s waist. “No, please stay. I can’t promise I’ll be any fun…”

Eddie scoffs at this, rolls his eyes before leaning down to give you a chaste and sweet kiss. “Liar. You’re always fun. I have fun just lookin’ at you. Fun should be your middle name.”

A half-smile pulls at your lips, and Eddie counts it as a win. He briefly extricates himself from you to scoop up the stuff he’d tossed to the porch, offering you the heart-shaped box and the VHS of Dirty Dancing. “Be my Valentine?”

He accents this request with an eyebrow wiggle, which wins him one of your real smiles, and you pull him into the house. “Okay. Only if you’ll be mine.”

Eddie shuts the door with his boot. “Got yourself a deal, princess.”

Another small smile, there and gone in a flash but still enough to make Eddie’s heart swell. You take the tape and frown at it. “Dirty Dancing? I thought you hated Patrick Swayze. Something about his hair being too much competition…”

“You’re right, I hate the guy, but I love you and I know you love this movie,” Eddie counters, shucking off his jacket and toeing off his boots.

You smile fondly, reaching to run a hand through Eddie’s mane of dark curls. “Well, for the record, Pat’s got nothin’ on you.”

Eddie gathers all the blankets in your house and makes a cozy nest for the two of you on the couch; you cuddle up in front of the TV with the box of chocolates to share, Eddie’s arm wrapped snug around your shoulders as the swell of beginning credits plays.

By the time the movie’s over, you’ve both fallen asleep in each other’s arms, Eddie with his head tipped back against the couch and you on his chest. The wind bites against the windows, cold and unforgiving, but the both of you stay warm and comfy under tattered quilts and fuzzy covers.

It’s the best sleep either of you have had in days. 

[pignipplez]

GERARD WAY DIED IN MY DREAM ☹️💔

I was dozing off cuz I’m eepy and in the 2 second span of my slumber a hole story formed into my thick skull 🥲🥲🥲🥲

I woke up in my dream and I checked my social medias and shit and everyone was panicking so I checked to see what was wrong and it said GERARD WAS DEAD 😭 He died from like a drug overdose or something their like dead thing memorial pictures or whatever looked like a one piece wanted poster idk it was weird.

So then I was randomly invited to the funeral of Mr Way and it was an open casket so I walked up to them it was in the Helena church and Gerard had black little ballet shoes on and his blue dress they wore that one time (forgot when 🤔)

But yeah I was still in shock and the rest of the band was there right and Ray was holding onto the group like the little mama bear he his and was silently crying he was also eating a subway sandwich. Mikey then turned to me and he was wearing the sluttiest shit ever like blud was smokin in that drip. But anyways he flipped his hair at me and said.

“Follow the new Mr Way”

Now I’m following him also Frank has looked like a lost dog this whole entire time just so ya know he was there if you were worried 😜 but yeah Mikey takes me into this weird white room dungeon thing it opened from the ground like in front of the casket in the music video.

So Mikey is now gone Me, Ray, and Frank are now alone in the spooky Edgar Allan Poe short story the pit and the pendulum type shit. So the big hole in front of us arises the dude from The black parade music video. His eyes are rolled back and his mouth is snapped open like that one girl from stranger things.

The dude starts to speak he starts screaming like Tweek from South Park. Then mini Mikey climbs out of the dudes gaped jaw with his onion hair and a long curly stash.

My vision zooms up to his lips and he says, “Gerard’s death has given me inspiration for an incredible album” “We should call it GG” “It-

He gets cut off tho cuz disco music and lights flood the room then he starts to do the dancing blabazar brat does in despicable me 3.

Everything cuts off though like a film camera and it’s Ray gripping onto the camera he’s sweating and frantic franks also there doing a ballerina spin over and over agian in the background without stopping. Like just rotating. Also Ray now kinda looks like Larry from Sally Face like all icky and detailed also I’m talking about him specifically dead like Cult Larry.

Ray shouts gibberish into the camera but finally the static gets through as “I Did it *my real name* I killed Gee,” “He said that I wasn’t the real alpha I had to I HAD TOO,”

“This is all real alpha *my real name* I don’t take steroids,” “IM STIGMA LOOK AT M-“

Then it cut off and it Glitched back to when I woke up and found out that Gerard was dead and the wanted poster and everything but this time I turned to Ray then and there and he sobbing holding a “We need a bartender” card and a beer bottle while sadly looking at me. (Like those pictures of him 😈)

Then I was like This can’t be real it can’t be he isn’t then I awoked 😋

I think I’m going insane 😍

An Invader Zim character was in there somewhere just not sure where 🤧

Also Gerard tried to crawl out of the casket at the funeral but Frank beat him back in with an acoustic guitar but for some weird reason my mind didn’t register that at all so I just forgot but remembered it happened

Dreams are confusing 😭

[canmargesimpson]

@imthursdaysyme you got me pregnant to the most beautiful idea and now I’m giving birth to it (that’s a weird analogy sorry) AND this is also to my Chilean friend @timefospookies BITCH I KNOW YOU AINT THAT LATINA BUT YOURE GETTING THERE

CHILEAN EDDIE

- he never really knew his father but he knew that he was a piece of shot that no one likes at all

- cut to years later when he is like hella famous and whatever, he does one of those like ethnicity tests and realizes he is 1/4 Chilean. And he’s like… “tf is Chile?”

- he gets home to lock himself in a his room to study about the weird skinny country on the south of america.

-Steve is kinda worried cuz he haven’t come out of the room for like hours ands it’s kinda suspicious

- out of no where Eddie decides that corroded coffin is making a South America tour, as an excuse to visit his some what home country.

- after going country through country they arrive to Chile, he has learned enough Spanish to get by, but little did he know that out of all of the latinoamericanos Chileans are one of the hardest to understand.

-he goes to museum and parks. He eat whatever he found on the street and learned about the basics of the culture

- the night of the concert arrives and he reveals on stage for the first time the reason behind touring

-“so I know it’s weird af to be here because this is actually…. Where I’m from?? A few moths ago I did an ethnicity test and turns out I’m from Chile? I mean it makes sence, I do have awfully dark humor and i am skinny and tall too”

- the crowd goes wild, everyone is shitting themselves rn. Lfter the concert terrier went crazy over the fact that one of greatest metal singer is Chilean.

-after that, his Instagram post got filled with Chilean shit and comments like “WACHITO RICO VEN PA CHILEEE” or “que chileno es este weon?? Si ni siquiera se puede tomar una piscola”

- at first he was scared, because he found out that Chileans can be quite…. Aggressive (I mean the entire country was banned from posting comments on Donald Trump’s Instagram for something)

- he then went to Viña Del Mar to make a comeback and learn some shit. He was now quite fluent in Spanish but you could still tell that he was American by the accent.

-he loved each and every comedian because they all poked at him for being “Chilean” and at the same time calling palta “avocado” or saying “hot dog” instead of “completo”

- after that he just more and more got to learn about the bizarre history behind Chile with Steve. And they loved it so much, since them, they bought a house and spend their vacations on Valdivia looking at the sea lions and Badurrias in the garden

- ALSO he was totally in love with Teletón, since it’s like a thing he never thought South America had, so every year he went to help disabled kids and adults and donating money.

- he comes back as much as posible, and trying to get to see everything from the flowered desert in the north to the glaciers in the south.

- he knew the people where cold but he actually found them quite nice since they all had that same weird sence of humor he did. They also had the same taste as he did, I mean he truly felt at home when he ate a Barros luco for the first time like that shit hit home.

[hecksupremechips]

Here’s some Shinji hcs I have made that I wanna share:

Shinjiro doesn’t know Jack shit about technology. Put him in front of a computer and turn your head for one second and the things making some cursed dial up sounds and definitely broken. He’d probably call remotes clickers. He just can’t keep up with these new fangled devices!

Hes autistic because get real like I’m gonna let him escape my grasp without making him autistic. But in particular hes the bad at eye contact kinda autistic, he’s often looking at his shoes when walking, off to the side when he’s being edgy, and in an upper corner when he’s nervous. And socially he is very much a cat he doesn’t wanna talk too much but he will just sit in the corner of the room while everyone else is talking. Hed definitely mask a lot and repress a lot of stims but one that always comes out is nail biting, he’s a big nail biter

Shinjiro just seems like he’d like to read and in particular hed read jane austin and he’d absolutely freak out if anyone found out lol. Like he hates school, it’s never clicked for him, but when he’s on his own I think he’d enjoy reading to pass time and idk he just gives strong jane austin energy

He sews he knows his fucking way with the needle your honor

Shinjiro was always secretly really jealous of Mitsuru cuz she has a motorcycle and he thinks it’s the coolest thing ever but he was always too afraid to ask if he could ride it. He will one day though don’t worry!

I really like nonbinary Shinji like he’s kinda insecure about his more feminine interests but the sees gang is pretty supportive so he eventually gets comfortable enough and he may wear nail polish or long skirts. He’s also definitely the type to have always been really defensive over his long hair like as a kid whenever his hair was cut he’d just be really upset over it and whenever someone comments on his hair being too long Akihiko is like 😤. And in general I think Shinji just doesn’t feel connected to gender hes just like get this thing away from me lol

If he doesn’t become a cook I like to imagine him becoming a vet

He has a really hard time saying no to the sees gang like if he’s one on one he can with great strength but if more than one of them are in the room absolutely not they all give the biggest puppy dog eyes and he thinks they’re adorable it creates lots of highjinks

When Ken talks about his favorite superheros and mangas Shinji tries to be supportive but he literally has no clue what this kid is talking about

Throwing in some akishinji teehee they both wanna be the strongest one in the relationship it creates lots of petty arguments but Akihiko definitely would pick up Shinji super dramatically bridal style and Shinji would hate it but secretly like it at the same time. He wants to be the strong one he wants to be the one to take care of Aki but also Aki is so strong 🫣

Throwing in some shinjifuuka too Shinji thinks Fuuka is the cutest person he’s ever met he just wants to scream but he can’t do that he can’t emote so he just sits there silently dying inside while Fuuka meows at the wall. I also think when he was on the streets and heard those people bragging about bullying Fuuka he kicked ass about it cuz yo fuck those people man they suck and Shinji wouldn’t put up with that, especially not once he actually meets Fuuka. Like I don’t think he’d try to pick fights as much after the coma and I don’t think he would if he was with Fuuka cuz she wouldn’t want him to fight people but before that yeah he’d definitely be pretty pissed. Also I think Fuuka is a knitter and Shinji is a sewer so they bond over that and make clothes for each other Fuuka makes Shinji a cutesy frog beanie and he’s like tch whatever 🥺 but definitely wears it and he’s really embarrassed its cute

[ulabewriting]

Olja Agregor.

he/they.

TW : quite a bit of cursing, (mystical jerk)! ! !

• is supposed to grant you a wish but… declined every single one so far.

• “Soooo… I grant you one fucking wish, with absolutely no limits and the whole ass opportunity to go wild, and THIS is what you wanna wish for ? Yeah no. Think harder.”

• grinning and smirking 24/7. either that or staring into your soul like you’re the weirdest, most confusing creature ever. (quite ironic. eh.)

• his green skin shines in the moonlight. Frankly, when he’s just sitting on your windowsill, shutting his mouth for once, and the moon lights up his skin, making it seem so glittery; it’s one of the most gorgeous scene you’ve ever witnessed.

• 5’10 with a terrible posture.

• gremlin type of mf looking ethereal, somehow. The gap moe is insane–

• likes fruit. any fruit. He loves raspberries. He’ll pout and mumble a little “thanks” if you ever bring him some.

• has his own demonic(i guess-) grimoire to cast powerful, forbidden spells but fucking HATES reading. Never read the whole thing and never once used it.

• will lose his shit if you ever try to touch it, tho.

• “Get your disgusting little human hands away, DUMBASS, are you out of your GODDAMN MIND????”

• jealous bean. Not the kind to be over the top, but if you ever get home later than usual unannounced, he’ll definitely be pouting, floating away, arms crossed, his back facing you.

• “fuckin’ human, think they can just leave me alone like that”

• playful goblin jerk.

• “you were hanging out with WHO?? No wonder you can’t formulate one coherent wish for the life of you; you’re polluting your brain by befriending stupid idiots like that”

• “uh ? No, you’re a dumbass too. You’re definitely a dumbass, you’re just… You’re… alright. I guess.”

• suddenly blushing and avoiding your gaze.

• “no, i’m not fuckin blushing?? No, I’m not– Just– Just fuckin look away, shut your stupid mouth– i’ll send you to hell if you don’t shut it, you fuckin–”

• a tsundere. Obviously.

• bares his teeth like a dog when he’s pissed off.

• will swear up and down he hates your guts… but he gets worried out of his mind when you’re coming home late, fears you’re mad at him when you get silent, casts spells to make you warm when you’re cold, cleans your room while you’re away “just cuz he’s bored”, his eyes go wide in panic when you cry while watching a movie, always gives you a bite of his fruit, even when you say you don’t want any, is bitching on your “friends” when he feels they did you wrong, will get snappy if you tell him you’re seeing them again, stares at you when you sleep; not long enough to be a creep, just enough to make sure you’re real and still breathing…. . . .

• loves when you’re annoyed and actually snap back at him.

• “oh ?” he quirks his eyebrow, smirking devilishly, openly daring you to keep going. You’ve never seen him look this interested. This jerk–

• secretly cares about you. (he thinks he’s discreet enough and you have no idea but… oh well.)

• weirdly supportive. “C’mon. I know it’s hard waking up every day to study but you’re strong, you gotta do it, you’ll survive it, little troll.” / “Yeah, I think that’s about right. Hey, you’re not as stupid as you look, human!”

• talks big about himself all the time.

• “hey human, did I ever tell you about this one time I, ALONE, fought like THREE evil spirits, definitely by myself, and sent them back to the void? like, ALONE. I’m a fuckin legend, kid.”

• but surprisingly bad with compliments. Like, you’ll mention how cool you think his big witch-like hat is and here he goes, pouting again, furrowing his brows, mumbling little “thanks, yeah, whatever” while a darker shade covers his cheeks.

• twisted inferiority complex masked with a false superiority complex.

• gets sentimental every once in a blue moon. You get home and he’s all quiet, staring at nothing. When he seems to register that you’re here, he looks at you. Like, really looks at you. His yellow eyes dive into your soul and seem to admire your whole existence.

• “It’s actually… nice, being here with you.”

• insanely protective. Oh my god– don’t you DARE going out without a coat or skipping breakfast, “your weak human system needs it”.

• hums the same tune all the time. You’ve asked multiple times what it was but he never really answered. His voice is warm and comforting. You bet he sings like an angel. (he does :] )

• loves cats! especially black cats. (“mf felines as dark as my soul”, he said.)

• sometimes you joke around about summoning another creature to have some company and his face goes dark in annoyance. “I don’t need another dickhead circling around my human all day.”

• likes to flick your forehead when you’re not paying attention to him.

• please pay attention to him. He desperately needs it, for some reason. He’ll definitely tease you for doing so. “What ? Becoming my biggest fan already ? Can’t get enough of me, uh ?” but will pout if you don’t.

• can seem very…. explosive, but never really gets angry. Nothing more than a tough exterior, honestly.

• wraps his tail around your wrist to pull you close to him. He’s too proud to openly ask for cuddles but… you know that’s his signal.

• LOVES cuddles. He’ll just never admit it. ;)

• his symbol is a flower : lily of the valley. Sometimes he just makes one appear in his palm and stares at it in silence, like he’s dimensions away from here. You’re not exactly sure what his link to it is.

• whenever he starts pestering about something, just take off his huge hat and slide your fingers in his hair and he’ll instantly melt– not remembering what he was even saying, closing his eyes and humming in pleasure, pressing his head harder against your hand.

• likes to bite. Even though he has the longest, pointiest, most terrifying fangs you’ve ever seen, he somehow manages to never really hurt you. You know… just enough to mark.

• once, he annoyed you so much, you threw your pillow in his face, hitting him straight in the nose and causing his hat to fall on the ground. It’s his personal mission to make you do it again one day.

• likes to rate your outfits just when you’re about to walk out the door. “Hm mh, ok, yeah, you’re definitely serving today, that’s a 10 for sure.”

• follows you around your house like some kind of lost puppy. Gets hella defensive when you point it out.

• “Me ? Your fuckin’ pet? Do I need to remind you I’m from the deepest pit of hell, you dookie head??”

• rolls his eyes as hard as he can whenever you ask for a new wish.

• But what IF…. the only reason he refuses to grant you a wish is… because he knows once he does; meaning his mission is accomplished, he’ll disappear again. And so, what IFFFFFF…. he just doesn’t want to leave your side so he won’t grant you no fucking wish to remain with you forever– I’m just saying WHAT IFFFFF———

[courtofmatchups]

ooo could i possibly get an obey me matchup? :) i’m an aries, entp, bi, she/they pronouns

i’m about 5’8 with shoulder length hair that’s relatively straight. i like to wear crop tops and high waisted stuff, my fashion taste is pretty androgynous overall and is kind of an 80s/90s vibe. i almost never wear makeup or do my hair. and i’m always bumping into things so i have several bruises at any given time

i make comics and i’m a grad student TA. i have a caffeine addiction and the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy. i’m known for my ability to remain calm and optimistic, and also for being relatively quiet but when i do speak it’s always something out of pocket. i’m not shy i just don’t got shit to say. i love to help people and also make them laugh and/or cry with my art

hobbies/interests/likes: gossiping, funny movies, making playlists, singing/karaoke, acting, writing screenplays and songs, drawing/animating, traveling, going on walks/hikes, sending cursed images in the groupchat, and every animal in the world except dogs and spiders. love any excuse to wear some sort of costume or goofy outfit

dislikes: i hateeee cooking it’s so boring. also hate being dirty i can’t function when i feel gross. not a fan of loud music or weed/cig smell either so i don’t go to parties/clubs often. i have massive sensory issues when it comes to bad smells. i dislike routine too i love change and challenging norms. i couldn’t be with someone who gets secondhand embarrassment easily cuz i’ll be weird in public and not care. in fact i’d hope that my partner would join me

my red flags are i’m terrified of aging and being undesirable and there is not a single body part that i haven’t been insecure about at some point. i’m stubborn and i’m a complainer i love kvetching about random shit. i am rather skittish and look scared/confused all the time like a wild rabbit. i don’t bring much to the table tbh but i can make you laugh i am always eager to try new things and my heart is true. i imagine i’d be pretty low maintenance in a relationship, as long as u are nice to me and don’t cheat on me we’re good

It seems to me you have captured the heart of...

The Scummy Second-Born,

Mammon!

:0

Someone who is chaotic as he is?? And smart as hell?? He's already interested. And as he learns more about you, that interest soon spirals into infatuation. But Mammon, being the tsundere he is, will try to deny these feelings, and ultimately fail. You're just *that* charming

Your sense of humour is what stands out to him the most. It's a little juvenile, but that's what he likes (Lucifer, prepare yourself for some bad joke induced migraines). And your calm and optimistic nature is something he can get behind. And when you say something completely unhinged, it might take him aback at first, but it'll grow on him

A lot of his interests line up with yours, like karaoke and movies, so you can expect him to take you to karaoke palours and to movie theatres. If it ever gets to crowded or too noisy, he'll get you someplace calmer and quieter as soon as possible. He'll notice it pretty quickly, as he's pretty observant, especially when it comes to you (in a wholesome way that doesn't make you feel like you're being viewed under a microscope, that is)

Whenever the two of you are apart, you can expect him to send you lots of cursed images to you also. Of course, you cannot forget about the unhinged yet wholesome texts you send to each other

You draw comics? Mammon LOVES that about you too, so please, draw a silly little comic about your misadventures. He's not gonna sell them though. You made those comics especially for him. As money-hungry as he is, those comics hold a special place in his heart.

He can understand your distaste for being dirty (he lives with Asmo after all), so he'll send you care packages with cute little soaps, shampoos, and different body lotions

You don't have to worry about Mammon ever cheating on you, as he's clingy as hell

If you ever overwork yourself from a caffeine-induced high (being a grad student TA is no walk in the park), he's gonna drag you to sleep. Please do not resist

In a nutshell, your relationship would look like this:

[polyphonical]

Bridal - Chapter 5

[ View on site for better experience♪ ]

Location: Fountain

Koga: Alri~ght, now don’t move from there, ‘kay?

Yeah, it came out great! Leon, come and look too. Ya look so handsome ♪

Aah? What is it, Anzu? I’m in the middle of a really important photoshoot so don’t bother me.

Oi Leon, don’t start getting excited ‘cuz Anzu’s here. Well, it’s probably boring to stay in the same spot for a while. A little break ‘s fine I guess.

Hah? What am I doing here?

I just told ya, I’m doing a photoshoot with Leon.

Anzu, do ya see his fur? Isn’t it the best? I brush it every day.

I wanna bathe him every day too, but Leon doesn’t like it so I only bathe him a few times a month.

Hm? Am I just taking pictures ‘cuz I think Leon looks cute?

No way. Leon’s getting older, so I’m tryna find him a wife.

Ya just put pictures up and wait for people to start messaging ya. Then we arrange meetings and shit. Ya can also look for partners yourself and make an offer.

We can’t start until we take pictures, so I’m doing that first. I’ve been going around and taking pics in different places.

Actually Anzu, what the hell are ya doing here? Weren’t ya trying to say something earlier?

Aa? Have I seen that playboy?

Haven’t seen him. But, it’s kinda weird how you’re the one looking for him this time. Usually, it’s that guy who’s always tryna find ya.

You’re not even in the same class, but he asks “Do you know where Anzu-chan is?” I always tell that idiot to look for ya by himself.

Hmm… Earlier, ya were doing a gravure photoshoot? Then he left to get some air and just disappeared?

Well I dunno where that playboy would go.

Hm? Wait, actually maybe I do know.

Woah, don’t jump on me like that! Are you a fucking dog!?

I dunno if he’d be there for sure, so don’t blame me if he’s not there.

Okay, let’s go already. Aah? Am I coming too? 

It’s hard to find the damn place. If I don’t come with ya, you’d end up lost or something. It’s easier this way.

What is it? I’m not tryna be nice. 

It’s a good place to take Leon’s pictures too, so… I mean, that’s why I’m going in the first place.

Oi, stop smiling at me like that! That’s not why I’m going!

Location: Beach

Kaoru: ………

(Huh? Before I knew it, I ended up walking here…)

(I only said I was going outside for a little bit of air… I wonder if Sena-kun is mad…?)

(I even left them alone together… Just what am I doing…?)

Kanata: puka, puka…♪

oh, it’s kaoru. what a coincidence to see you here.

today is a good day for a “bath”. it’s almost “evening” though, so the “water” is a bit “cold”.

Kaoru: Waitwaitwait?! The sun’s still out, but it’s about to be dark? Swimming in the ocean right now is suicidal y’know!?

Kanata: do you not want to take a “bath” with me, kaoru? you love the “sea” like me after all♪

aah, if not a “bath” then, do you want to go “surfing”? i don’t know how to “surf”, though

you always say you want to go “surfing” kaoru… it’d be nice if “summer” can hurry and come~♪

Kaoru: Stop saying weird things and come here. Seriously, you’re lucky I came here.

What would’ve happened if I didn’t come and you just floated out to the sea and died?

Kanata: um…. did i worry you? your eyes are “swollen” kaoru…

if i made you worried, that’s not good. i’m sorry, kaoru.

────────────────· · · · · ·♡· · · · · · ────────────────

Previous ♡ Directory ♡ Next

[alaska386]

F!Bsd anime watcher in the bsd world… pt 3/?

(No eyebrows emo mentioned)

Brief information for the F!bsd anime watcher(I’ll name her Victoria cuz I say so):

-Name: Victoria [last name I’ll just type ‘XXX’ in the introduction time(s)]

-Gender: Female, Pronouns: She/Her

-Age: 14 years old (idk how to write thoughts, behaviour, moods, goals that are ‘mature’ like adults’ ones cuz idk what they think so I set her as a teenager for myself to write this thing easier)

-Ability: Yall are gonna vote on if she’s gonna have an ability from nowhere

-Sexuality: Bisexual

-Nationality: Chinese(I don’t wanna accidentally write some racist stuff if I say American or British or whatsoever)

-Languages she knows/understands/speaks: Chinese/Mandarin/Putonghua(Don’t worry I won’t make her speak Chinese in the story-), fluent English

-Likes: Music(Classical, Relaxing ones are her preferences), Anime and Mangas(not patient enough to read a full series without skipping some chapters, just like me fr), desserts and snacks, nature sceneries, rainy days(the louder the rain the better), knives, comfy clothes, psychology

-Dislikes: Dogs, pain, school, homework, studying, bitter pills, loud people and noises

-Hobbies: drawing on a paper and in a drawing app, singing, family stuff, *being read like an open book*

-Appearance: dark brown hair and eyes, around Kenji’s height

-Main bsd kins: Dazai, Ryunosuke, Kyouka, Sigma(always in the middle of some arguments and shits)

-Birthday: 1/4/20XX

-Personality: Has social anxiety, rather quiet, sometimes can’t express herself fluently but tries to and tries to hide the things she thinks she should. Thinks quite negatively, does not fully show it as well, gets nervous easily but doesn’t show it often as well(which Ranpo, Dazai and some other smart/manipulative characters can definitely realise/see through)

-Extra: she trusts fate but not luck

Btw her character settings some are actually based off mine cuz I figure that it’ll be easier to write this if I imagine her as myself and I’ve imagined myself in the bsd word many times.

Summary of the last chapter: Victoria was pushed into the agency by Ranpo during Atsushi’s entrance exam, aka bsd season 1 episode 2, after that, Dazai suggested to let Victoria join the ada too, which made Victoria deep in thought again…about her goals, fake ones, and the true ones.

Ranpo pov

I’ve been eating my lollipop and staring at that child, what’s she thinking? Meh, I’m lazy to figure it out. Probably shits about herself being here, but welp.(bro figured out much without even trying to)

I simply walk back to my seat and continue to eat my snacks.

No one’s pov

And then with Dazai’s whole speech, Fukuzawa just lets Dazai be in charge of Victoria’s entrance exam AND her case.(Vic did not say anything the whole time, which she also did realise it was a mistake)

And of course, Dazai cheerfully starts dragging her(she did follow) to the ada cafe. Atsushi asked about the others’ past job, and also knowing that Dazai’s one’s been a mystery that whoever guessed it right will get money(forgot how much). So when Dazai and Victoria walk in, Atsushi immediately starts guessing random jobs, which are all wrong.

Victoria pov

Atsushi goes back to his seat.

Should I… It’ll just change even more things, but who cares..? Em. Nah. Should I? To get Dazai’s extra protection, I need to do this, plus his observation skills will do the shits in the future anyway. Also for my money in Yokohama I guess…

Then I get closer to Dazai’s ear and whispers to it before Dazai goes to ask the waitress about having double suicide with him. “Ex Port Mafia executive, the Demon Prodigy to be more specific.” Dazai did not flinch or say a word, his gaze moved to my eyes for a second, it’s saying ‘you know a lot’ then simply claps his hands and says, “Vic chan guessed it!~ So the reward goes to her!~” he says with a cheerful tone, did not even look at me which was expected and runs to the waitress, damn he’s fast.

No one’s pov

Everyone’s jaw drops and Atsushi and Tanizaki ask what Victoria guessed, which she shakes her head, she doesn’t say anything since she doesn’t want to get suspected by saying ‘it’s Dazai’s privacy’(sounds like she knows a lot about Dazai’s privacy) and she wants to be seen as rather quiet, so that people won’t talk and ask her questions too much(introverted thingy).

Victoria pov

Then Kunikida interrupts Dazai from speaking to the waitress starts beating up him, to actually see my favourite character being beaten in front of my eyes is not a pleasant sight, I stare at them for a while until I heard Atsushi, Tanizaki and Naomi start to discuss about what I guessed about Dazai’s past occupation, of course, I’m a topic in their conversation now.

I don’t like it. I always don’t like being a topic in other people’s conversations, it’s annoying to hear and see and sort of scary not knowing what they’re thinking and talking about, I then look at the table, ah shit I’m showing more weaknesses ain’t I.

I look down at the table and look up, I walk near to the table where Kunikida’s beating Dazai and order a coffee, I’ve always wanted to try it. I then glare at Kunikida, he’s one of my least favourite, possible my least favourite in Dazai’s harem and their relationship with Dazai. I then walk back and sit back on my original seat silently waiting for my coffee while waiting for higuchi to arrive after seeing Tanizaki got the call, everyone stands up and I do as well.

Characters’ development, yeah.

…

No one’s pov

As Victoria expected, Higuchi Ichiyo has arrived, she sits down on the opposite side of Atsushi Nakajima and Tanizaki Juinichiro. Meanwhile Dazai, Kunikida, Naomi and me are standing. Tanizaki starts the discussion with the question ‘You’ve mentioned that you’d like to request an investigation, but what manner of investigation are we speaking of here?’, as the question’s asked, Dazai’s somehow kneeling (I mean when did he start kneeling) and requests her to have a double suicide with him, Kunikida kicks(?) smacks(?) slaps(?) Dazai away.

“Do not kick him so hard, Kunikida san. It does hurt a lot, even if/when he acts rudely, violence is not the best way of dealing with something that annoys you.” Victoria speaks, perhaps it’s because of Higuchi, Vic’s staring at her, her main anxiety focus’s not on Kunikida right now.

Victoria’s pov

I stare at Higuchi as I drink my coffee, “Please continue, my apologies if Dazai san’s actions bothered you, Miss.”

Kunikida apologised to me, which I immediately stop the urge to say that “You should apologise to Dazai”, then he walks out of the room and closes the door(the door technically was closed by gravity and wind).

Higuchi continues talking.

(Just in case you forgot about what Higuchi said, here it is: “Regarding my request… Well, it seems there’s recently been a group of unsavoury people loitering in my company building’s back alley. They appear to be dressed in rags. Some of them have been heard speaking a foreign language.)

As Higuchi finishes explaining, Kunikida opens the door and speaks, “They must be smugglers or some such”, I sigh mentally, I wonder if Kunikida would beat Dazai if Dazai were one of his students in some sort of au like ‘Kunkida becomes everyone’s teacher’… The door closes(or Kunkida closed it idk cuz it didn’t show how it was closed in the anime).

I really forgot most details in season 1, a fake case of investigating the place and finding evidence of the ‘smugglers’ running afoul the law in order to ask for military police’s help.

No one’s pov

Kunkida tells Atsushi and Victoria to go, saying it’s the perfect first job for them, then he also tells Tanizaki to go with them, and of course, Naomi goes too.

When Victoria and Atsushi are packing some tools and their stuff(?), Dazai’s head is lying on the desk and Kunkida walks to them with a photo(still wondering how they got that, probably because of Ryunosuke’s recklessness) and warns us not to run into the dangerous man, if we do, run(Ryu-).

Victoria’s pov

As much as I want to be as invisible as possible, I still need to have that ‘curiosity’ of new and unknown stuff, they can’t know that I know about their future yet.

Atsushi takes the photo. Shin Soukoku Atsushi first sees Ryu, cool.

“Who is that man?” I ask.

“A mafioso.” Dazai answers, who’s sitting on the desk with his headphones around his neck and looking at us now. “Though we call them that because we know nothing else.” What a li— Stop thinking, anyway.

“They’re a vicious mob who claims the port as their territory.” Kunkida explains, looks at Atsushi and me, “They’re called the Port Mafia.” The atmosphere turns more serious, mood changes in anime I guess. “They’re the most dangerous gang in this city’s underground. Of them, the one in this photo is a very dangerous man beyond even the Agency’s reach.”

“He has no eyebrows.” I mumble, Dazai bursts out of laughter, that was a clear message of ‘I know about the fucking future’, then Kunkida tells Dazai to shut up.

“Em… Why’s he dangerous?” Atsushi’s sorta sweating and asks.

Then later(after something that I cut off), I ask, “Who’s this man that has no eyebrows?”, again, Dazai starts laughing.

“Akutagawa.” Kunkida replies as he frowns. I cannot let my guard down now, I can feel here, that means I can feel pain, I’m not some immortal teenage so I need to see him as an enemy, for now, for now. For now for sure…

Will Ryunosuke(‘Akutagawa’ is the last name of both Ryu and Gin so I’ll type their first names) attack me in any way with Rashoumon? Speaking of which, I’ve been wearing this dumb school uniform, man, I gotta buy some new clothes after work. Maybe I’ll live with Sushi so… I suppose I need to stop singing in showers, sigh.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1998 A silver car just quietly dropped the bitch off. Although I don’t have a bad vibe, I’m still sure her sick pals will bring over their little kiddies at some point, so they can all raise hell for a little while.

It still pisses me off that I gotta get the doll while I’m out. Yes, the mailman’s left packages before, as Tom’s pointed out. He’s left CDs, but he’s not gonna leave a $100 doll sitting out there. So, Tuesday’s the day I’ll have it unless it’s gone to someone else. Then I have to wait a month for Patrice. I wonder if doll collecting is worth it. If it’s gonna be such a big deal getting dolls, maybe I should quit after these two.

Later…

Oh good. I just caught the regular mailman and asked if he’d be delivering on Monday. He said yes, and I told him about the package that may very well come that day and just to leave it here. He said fine. I hope so. I hope he remembers.

Later…

All’s still peaceful around here, but from 6:00 - 10:00, who knows?

I made a total pig of myself yesterday and at 118 pounds, I’m paying for it. My clothes are pretty tight. So, since there’s no room for the walker in the living room, and since walking didn’t really do much for me anyway, I’ve taken a water pill and have decided to stop eating for a while. I’ve taken vitamin pills, too, and with lots of water, juice, some tea, and coffee, I’ll be OK. I won’t do this very long or very often. It’s just that it’s soooo natural for my body to be heavy and if I just say fuck it all together and eat whenever I’m hungry, I’m gonna be 200 pounds in the long run and the more I think about that, the more I don’t like it. I may never be thin again and I may never have my old metabolism back, but I don’t want to be huge, either. I just wish maintaining the same weight didn’t take so much work and suffering! Why does it have to be so hard?

I called Tammy and told her about yesterday, then she told me something that shocked the shit out of me. Something that I almost never hear out of her mouth. Well, she said things were going well there.

There’s a movie premiering on HBO tonight that I’ve been wanting to see and on Tuesday, Gloria will be on a request show. I’m sure she’ll look shitty as all hell, but that ought to be interesting; seeing her perform whatever people call in to request.

I kind of like the computer in the living room better. It looks kind of cool where it’s at, it’s closer to the bedroom, music room, bathroom, and kitchen, and its sounds are better cuz it’s in a smaller room. The only thing I don’t like about it is that I feel like I’m vulnerable prey to kids playing in the street or next door. I feel like my sitting here will lure them right to that hoop as if they sense my presence. Well, God knows I’m here.

I better enjoy the peace from barking dogs in the living room while it lasts, cuz according to Tom, they’ve got a for rent sign up in front of that house (he says it couldn’t have been rented yet) and you know there’ll be a dog. Also, with the way their fence is laid out, it’ll be up front 99% of the time and not in back by its alley. Their front is our front, of course, so I’ll be hearing it loud and clear and having to drown it out with the fan. I can forget about my 9 PM-6 AM peace.

Tom just told me a computer game’s coming out based on John Saul’s Blackstone Chronicles series. Can’t wait!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1998 I’m immune to Benadryl now, so who knows if I’ll get to my appointment. I thought earlier that I would, and still do, but time will tell for sure. All the Benadryl did was give me a dry mouth and make me drowsy, but it didn’t knock me out like it usually does. So, I’m gonna take Tom’s advice and not worry about when I sleep. I’ll just keep caught up. Going one day without sleep won’t kill me.

In response to my message - he said, “But we weren’t even talking about sex.” I told him that that was the only subject he’s ever gotten defensive about. Well, I’m gonna shut up from here on out, cuz I don’t want him getting the wrong idea and thinking that it bothers me if he doesn’t cum, cuz I have a feeling that may turn him on and influence him to play games with me. I want him turned on, but not by something I said. I want him to not cum if it turns him on and I want him to cum if it turns him on. Whatever he feels comfortable doing, he’ll do, and that’s fine.

Earlier, I reminded myself that God has an obsession with giving babies to women who don’t want them. I asked myself what made me so sure he wouldn’t do that to me. The answer was that I just knew he wouldn’t. But that wasn’t good enough, so I thought about it some more, then it hit me. The reason why he won’t is cuz I couldn’t handle it. Most other women who get unwanted babies may not be happy about it, but they can still handle it.

I’ll be getting my doll on Tuesday. Tom said he’d rather pick up the doll the next day if the mailman tried delivering it while we were out Monday and left a note on the door, rather than having me leave the mailman a note to just leave any packages there. This is no doubt to make me wait another day since he seems to get off on making me wait for things. Like I haven’t waited long enough already? And I know that doll will get here when we’re at Melie’s, too. No doubt about it. Can I ever get a package while I’m home and awake? Of all the times I’m out, packages just have to wait till then! They can’t get here when I’m home, which is 95% of the time, and when they do, it has to be while I’m asleep.

Mary had her thyroid removed today. God seems to enjoy having her parts go bad. Let’s see… she’s had to have her female parts removed, her gall bladder, her thyroid. What’s next?

Later…

My strong vibe is ringing true so far. The doll will come Monday when we’re out, then he’ll go get it the next day. Tom said it could come tomorrow, but nope. Monday’s the day. If it doesn’t come while we’re out on Monday, then I think we’re looking at a definite case of being misdelivered.

Later…

Today turned out to be one of the shittiest days I’ve had in a long time. God totally cursed us both today, but I’m too beat physically and emotionally to get into it now.

Although I’ve become sort of immune to Benadryl and stood up till 3 AM last night, I did get up earlier after all and only slept barely 6 hours. So I’ll expand on shit tomorrow.

Later…

I’m still hours away from going to sleep and have had some time to relax, so I’ll write about our shitty day now. Naturally, Tom was taking it so well and even saying things were wonderful and that this was a great opportunity and all that. Yeah, a great opportunity for what?

I knew it. I just knew that not only would people be wanting Tom to do for them, but that more shit would occur around here once that house sold. Eileen, the 60-something woman that Tom used to work with at AMEX called with a computer question on behalf of her granddaughter. Tom’s going to go see them on Sunday. Helping someone out once in a while is fine, though, and she pays him fairly.

It just hit me that Wendy hasn’t called in ages, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she did anytime now. Especially before we move.

Speaking of moving, I just can’t fucking wait!!! I am so sick of living in dives and having to deal with one piece of shit after another as far as this old house goes!! I was sitting in the back room while Tom was talking to Eileen when we heard this buzzing and saw sparks go spitting across the room from the plug that’s on the inner back room wall. Tom hung up the phone and yanked what was plugged into the outlet out, which was the camcorder, which is fortunately OK. Fortunately, he didn’t get zapped, either. It continued to spark a few more times after yanking the camcorder plug out and really scared the shit out of me. Tom hit it with the fire extinguisher, then took the outlet out to examine it. That was when I noticed, that after a day of unbelievable rain, the leak had spread again and was much worse. It had not only crept further up the outer wall but in towards the middle of the room, too. So I figured it was water that caused the sparking, but Tom couldn’t find any wetness close to the outlet. He thinks the outlet just failed, but I don’t know. It tripped a fuse and killed all the back room electricity. Who knows how long it’ll be before we restore electricity to the back room? Tom’s gonna go around and redo all the outlets in there, but thanks, God. Thanks a real fucking lot, you merciless, unfair, insensitive, cruel bastard!

Even the garbage disposal is out of use to us now, since its electricity is fed off of the back room. Thank God for having Tom be home when this happened and thank God, we still have electricity where the refrigerator’s plugged in and that the computers didn’t get damaged, but goddammit I’m sick of this shit! We have enough shit to do/fix in this dive. We don’t need or deserve this shit!

Not only was it frustrating and depressing, but it was unfair and it angered me. It really pisses me the fuck off to see people like Dureen and Art who lived like kings and queens when they were younger than I am, and who’ve never had to worry about money, live it up without a care in the world. And it really pisses me the fuck off to see Marjorie, whose life is virtually over, sit there with a good hundred thousand bucks or so just sitting in her account. Meanwhile, those of us who struggle and who need it, have to keep on going without and have to keep on struggling.

I want out of here sooo bad. I asked Tom why the fuck Mom can’t advance our share of the money she’s to will to us, but Tom said she doesn’t know how much she’s gonna need to spend before she dies. Watch. With our luck, she’ll need a nursing home towards the end of her time and that’ll dry up her account so we don’t get shit. This fucking user should’ve paid to fix this roof as soon as it began leaking, though, and I don’t care who disagrees with me on that one. I sit and fantasize about smothering her with a pillow! God, go pick on someone else for a change, will you? Leave the good, struggling people alone. Let someone like Dureen and Art live a day in their lives for a change in a dump. Let them struggle. Let them have to fix this and fix that.

Tom said he’s gonna think about it and decide whether or not to call someone to come in and fix the roof, or if he’s gonna do it himself during his remaining vacation days that he’s got off in November. He’s actually gonna be off more in November than he’ll be working. He’ll be off 16 days and working 15 days, but this is no way for this guy to have to spend his vacation, fixing roofs. God, don’t you have any empathy whatsoever? Can you leave the poor guy alone and give him a fucking break for a change? Can he ever spend a vacation doing fun, relaxing things?

I kind of like the idea of leaving the job to someone else, although it’ll cost more and we won’t be able to use that $5,000 to pay off our debts like we’d originally planned, but the question is - will they do the job right? Somehow, I have my doubts. The fucking cocks that did the AC didn’t seal up a gap that allowed the music room ceiling to leak and stain, so now that’s one more thing we’re gonna have to paint before we split. I asked Tom, who should know better and who I believe, if they can come, fuck up the roof, and get away with it? Meaning, can they do shit we can’t prove and get our money back on? He said yes.

If Tom’s willing to take the time to do the job, that’ll save us money, but can he fix it? Every time he’s so sure he’s got a handle on it, we’re either right back where we started or worse. What if our beautiful God who’s supposed to help those that help themselves won’t let us fix the fucking thing? Is all this shit a compensation for good, relaxing, fun times to come? I sure hope so! God, I hope so!! And we deserve it, too! We’ve had enough of this shit! We’ve struggled and gotten nowhere enough and enough’s enough!!

Do I have a bad vibe about the weekend and the freeloaders? No. I don’t have a good one either, but if those freeloaders had made a scene when I was pissed off as I was earlier, I’d have killed them! And they better hope they stay off my ass this weekend, cuz I’m not in the mood for no shit. I never am. I mean, who is? But the point of it is my moving-in-June vibe is weakening and for all I know, we have 17 months left here instead of 7 and I’m going to keep my promise to myself about the freeloaders. If I hear one more outburst from them that isn’t very occasional, there’ll be no city letters. Just my fists. Even once a week won’t cut it with me. If I hear them a few minutes every few months, I can live with that, but as long as I’m still here, they’re under my rule and thumb.

Yeah, those fucking, fucking, mother-fucking freeloaders!! If something breaks in that house, they get to have someone take care of it for them free of charge. God, I hate you and your unfair ways! Meanwhile, we gotta foot our own repair bills or slave over fixing shit ourselves. Fucking asshole freeloaders! Oh, what I would do to them if they were at my door right now or making a ruckus outside! I’d fucking kill them, so help me fucking God!!

Anyway, I don’t trust that fucking back room worth shit. I told Tom that I didn’t want to ever have to come back into that room, or at least not for quite a while unless it was to go out back or to tend to the animals. I’d have to see it rain hard several times before I trusted that the leak was fixed, regardless of who did it.

So we moved my computer, printer, and scanner into the living room. His computer’s still back there, and he’ll use the power cord that the microwave uses when he wants to use his computer. He uses the TV way more, so that shouldn’t be too inconvenient for him. Our computers aren’t networked, but again, we can just pull a cable if he needs to send or take anything from mine. I had to rearrange and deal with so many inconveniences due to this shit. I have to drag the phone cord that’s in the computer to the phone splitter in the phone here in the living room if I want to go on AOL. Can’t just log in.

I just went and checked and the stove and toaster work, which is nice.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1998 The kids are out playing ball again in the street and I guess they’ll go inside after dark. I think they moved into that house that was having the tag sale. So let me guess - they’ll be venturing over to use the basketball hoop soon enough to next door’s delight, huh? I still can’t believe the Lopez’s kids and the freeloader’s friend’s kids haven’t used it yet. Anyway, these are blond kids. The girl looked to be about 6 and the boy looked to be about 9. Can’t kids out here use their backyards to play? Why does it always have to be their driveway or the streets?

Bill pulled out at 4:30 and the bitch went with him. Haven’t heard them come back yet.

It’s gonna be another chilly one out there tonight. I had to run the heat last night for the second time this year and reckon I will tonight, too. I wish to hell it’d rain on Halloween, but I know I’m dreaming. I know it’ll be noisy next door, cuz everybody’s gotta take their kids to the bitch. The bitch can’t go to them. Well, hopefully they’ll get here after dark when it won’t be too easy to play ball, and hopefully they won’t be out late screaming since it’ll be chilly and since it’s kids who don’t usually stay up too late, anyway. I’d hope that the adults wouldn’t want to keep them out too late and I’m hoping that with the kids in tow, the adults will want to get back earlier. I mean, who’d want to stay out as late as 10:00 with kids in tow?

There were some kids and two adults that I could see standing in the Lopez’s driveway, but I couldn’t make out who they were. It looked like a woman and a man. The woman might be blond.

Tom said it’s not taking too long at all for the doll. He used to work at the PO, so he knows their procedures. He says it probably wasn’t bound for Phoenix the day it left the warehouse, and that sometimes packages sit at the PO for a few days before they deliver them. They don’t deliver certain things every day. I know when she’s coming. She’s coming on Monday while I’ll be seeing Melanie. I’m gonna leave a note for the mailman to leave any packages by our door should we get any, but the question is, will he acknowledge my request?

Bill brought the bitch back just now.

I haven’t been hungry for the last couple of days, but I know it’ll catch up to me and that my body will always compensate. By the weekend, all I’ll be able to think about will be food.

Found an old pair of earrings I can wear comfortably. I can sleep with them and use the headphones with them. They’re not hooks or post-earrings. They’re chains. The little diamonds on chains that Dureen sent for our wedding. Thanks, Doe.

I was at the stove heating up some soup when I was like, who the fuck’s banging by now? But it kept on and on, till I realized it was Blackie at the screen door banging that to come in. That’s how similar the two sounds are, though. Imagine that - stereos that sound like someone’s pounding on your door? I wouldn’t have believed it years ago and so many more people blast by with these bassy stereos than they did with the old ones. That’s the idea, though, to get attention and be heard and be noticed. They get these stereos more for the people who’ll be hearing them as they drive by with them than for themselves. That’s really fucking sick, desperate, and insecure; buying these stereos for others to hear. But that’s our lonely, selfish society, for you.

Tom measured my waist at just under 28”. That’s gotta be the lowest it’s been in over a year.

Later…

Well, I sort of spilled the beans on Tom. In a suggestive, hint-like sort of way. We were talking earlier about how everyone’s got psychological quirks, then he got all defensive saying he was afraid I’d suddenly come out and accuse him of lying about something, so he was getting all defensive about it. But I haven’t. I’ve been keeping my knowledge of his bullshitting me about getting off to myself. So unless he’s been reading my journals, he shouldn’t have any way of knowing about it, and like I said, my lips have been sealed. So I took this opportunity to leave him a message pointing out how that was a bit overkill on his being defensive, and that it made me wonder if he had anything to hide. Then I told him I wondered if I was stupid to think he’d been cumming regularly, but knew he’d come out and correct me when I’d comment on how he was if he wasn’t. I told him as long as he’s happy, it didn’t matter if he came or not and that if he was lying about it, he doesn’t have to. It only would matter, I told him, if we were trying for a kid, which we won’t ever be doing again, or if he refused to give cum for testing, but he said he would, so I’m taking his word for it. So, we’ll see what he does with this message. What I told him is true, though. I don’t care if he cums or not, but by God, he better squirt if we go for testing! If he fucks with me on that, I will be so pissed, and I won’t give a shit if it’s deliberate or not. As soon as he does, and I should listen to my strong vibes that say he will and not even bother setting myself up by going to get tested, I’ll walk right out of there. Tom, don’t you fuck me out of getting the information I want!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1998 Tom worked on the front security door some more yesterday. It’s still not done yet, though. He has to rekey it.

Again, this address label company really wants my business. They sent 9 Christmas labels. It’s nice that they send me labels periodically, but everything’s Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! Or seasonal. Can’t they just send labels that have nothing to do with any season or holiday?

Evie told me more stuff pertaining to kids and all that. I asked her why she didn’t adopt years ago. She said she thought about it but just didn’t. She said she was a foster mother to a teenage girl for a couple of years, but that’s pretty much it.

She said doctors recommended she have a full hysterectomy back in 1981, but she refused. She said they also told her that they recommended she abort Nickolena cuz she’d be a Down's baby, but she said she was gonna take whatever God gave her.

Later…

Just called Ashton Drake since it was during normal business hours, hoping to get a handle on when the dolls would ship. The lady told me that it depends on the availability of the doll. I was told both dolls were available, but that’s not what I was told today. Patrice won’t be available for shipment till December 12th. But the good news is that Summer Dream was shipped on the 21st. That’s been a week, though. Would it take that long to get here? Or did our dumbfuck mailman misdeliver it?

Later…

Well, Summer Dream’s not coming today. He drives those by. The mailman always drives to all the houses that have packages, then he parks his little van at the end of the street, gets out and gets his satchel of mail, then delivers it up and down the street. If I don’t get her this week, then I’ll wonder who did.

Later…

On and off for the last hour or so, I’ve been hearing kids screaming in spurts, but couldn’t tell or see where they were. I took a closer look out front, though, and I think they’re associated with the house that just had a moving yard sale. The same ones that were playing in the street after dark.

Later…

There are a couple of strange-looking vehicles in the alley right now. One of them looks like a small cement truck. The other looks like the mobile home that the people behind us have, but its back is open and it’s just all one big compartment. It doesn’t look like a mobile home inside.

Bill’s working pretty late tonight. Its car is still over there, so unless the bitch is back and chatting with daddy, that ole bitch is working overtime tonight. That’s OK. It won’t kill her.

I hear it leaving now, come to think of it. Gotta make a big fucking production out of it, of course.

Although I don’t yet have a bad vibe, or even a good one, I’m not looking forward to this Halloween weekend!

Got the fans going now. The dogs were quiet throughout the day, but at sundown, they really go off. If they could talk, they’d be screaming, “Don’t leave us out here for another chilly night!”

In case I didn’t mention this before - Evie thinks I look fine at what I weigh now. Said I look less frail, healthier, happy with life. A 160-pound woman would think I look OK.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1998 Been writing for 11 years today.

The sales calls are picking up again. There was an anonymous call too, but no message. I’m sure it was Andy.

Still haven’t seen Measles. Is she nesting, or what?

Oh, no. I called Ashton Drake again and asked what “parcel post” was. I didn’t know if that was UPS or regular mail. Well, it’s regular mail. That means its chances of being misdelivered are higher. Also, it’ll be just my luck that I’ll be asleep when they come, and instead of them being left out front, they’ll leave a note to call the PO for re-delivery.

If I ever diet again, it’s not gonna be for a long long time. I haven’t really been dieting lately, but fuck worrying about getting too fat to bend over or rock out. I’m tired of the many, long hours I spend hungry. From now on, I’m gonna eat whenever I’m hungry, and if that means eating all the time, and if that means getting up to 200 pounds, so be it. I love food too much to deprive myself of it, and anyone who isn’t young who’s thin and who’s not thin due to a medication they’re on or some type of drug starves themselves. I’d have to starve to get down to 100 pounds, and then I’d have to keep starving to stay at 100 pounds. That’s no way to live. It’s just too much work trying to go 5-6 hours in between eating. I have to eat every 2-4 hours.

I quit the chromium picolinate cuz it’s become utterly worthless. I’m back to being hungry all the time, and as soon as I hit around 115 pounds, my body knows that’s too low for this day and age and resets itself back to 117-120. I can’t lose any more weight than I already have without going out of my mind and without ultimately becoming physically ill, and I can’t keep walking for nothing here. Oh, I’ll keep walking, but it’s a pity that I finally find some exercise routine I can stick to, only to have it not do me any good. Tom says it helps me in more ways than I know. In what ways? It doesn’t tone me up or cause weight loss. I’m still around the same weight range, and my legs are big, mushy, cratered, tree trunks. I have hips and tits I never would’ve dreamed of having once upon a time, my stomach now has 3 rolls rather than 2, and I’m still a fat-faced, double-chinned, porker, so why bother? I’d have to stop eating and lift weights like hell in order to lose inches and firm up.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1998 I’m usually able to make it to most of my appointments these days, but I wonder if I’ll make it to see Melanie in the end. My schedule’s a little off for it. Tom said he thinks I will, but not to worry about it for a few days. He said I can decide what to do about it in a few days, but if I decide to do something to hold it back or fast-forward it, Halloween might very well stop me. Fucking kids, man! They fuck up/interfere with your life if you have them. They fuck up/interfere with your life if you don’t have them. Thank fucking God this is our last Halloween here. At least I think it is.

Changed the mice’s cages and sent out a letter to Tammy.

Got a letter from Bob about how he’s been in fights with black cellmates, but no dolls.

Tom got his old piece of shit (1984 Nissan Centra) towed from Ma’s old house. Instead of them taking and stripping his car, then selling the parts, it’s gonna sit on a lot for people to bring their own tools to strip it of whatever they want.

I figured out how to number my index thing. There’s a thing in the tool menu for inserting numbers automatically.

Speaking of numbering, I couldn’t believe it, and I was so pissed off, but that great Ruby book I told you I was reading, had its pages numbered wrong. It jumped from 224 to 257, had the 280s pages printed twice, and was missing about 40 pages.

I sent Marla a message since it’s been a while, and soon I’ll try calling Andy.

A cranberry-colored car just pulled into the freeloader’s and I couldn’t see the driver, who sat there with the car idling till a black boy with silver, metal-rimmed glasses got in the passenger side, then they left. This boy was in his late teens to early 20s. It wasn’t Mike, but I don’t know who it was.

I learned some pretty wild and shocking things about Evie. She said she was married 17 years before meeting David and could not have kids. She had surgery to remove several huge tumors from her ovaries, her uterus is completely backward, she had endometriosis, and doctors told her she’d never have children, so she and David didn’t plan on having kids as Tom told me they did. Maybe God just wanted her to wait till she met and married David before she had kids (David’s her third husband). Or maybe it was cuz I came into the picture. She got pregnant right after Tom and I hooked up, so maybe it was to rub it in my face. God seemed to really enjoy rubbing kids in my face back then and making me jealous. And back then it was hard on me and I was jealous, and I did feel left out a bit and like I wasn’t as good of a family member cuz I didn’t have kids. I felt that maybe we’d have been given more and given more attention if we had had kids, but it doesn’t matter to me in this day and age, and I know they still cared enough about me.

I also told Evie how God ignored me, although no doubt for the better, back when I’d want a kid and would pray for one. Her response was that he wasn’t ignoring me and that he did care about my request. He did? Could’ve fooled me. He can’t care about everyone’s request for a kid. He didn’t give a shit about Mary’s wanting one.

I don’t know what endometriosis is, but I’ve heard the word. I also didn’t know uteruses had fronts and backs.

Although I acknowledge I was wrong about saying quitting smoking wasn’t meant to be, along with marriage and other things, I just know a kid isn’t in my cards, but again, I can’t complain. Tom says if it were him with the problem, he’d get fixed, then decide what to do from there. As long as there are no health hazards from sterility and as long as I don’t want a child, whether or not I could handle one, I see no need to get fixed if fixing is possible, but I am curious still, to find out all I can find out. Then I’ll take it from there.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though, and that’s that as soon as I see one bit of Tom not cooperating if that’s what I truly see, I’m outa there. I will not play games. I’m not gonna go there to deal with the issue of why he won’t let them have his cum for testing. I’m gonna go there for answers to my sterility. So, the second he does what I suspect he’ll do, that’s it, so I may never be able to get the info anyway, thanks to him and his personal, private, deep-rooted fears. I meant it when I said I’d no longer deal with the lack of cumming issue. He either cums or he doesn’t, and if he wants to change his not cumming much, that’s his choice and his problem to deal with. Not mine. Meanwhile, he seems perfectly content with how he is, so then so am I.

Later…

I’m on the phone now with Andy. He’s still so sure he’s going back east in 6 months.

We’ve been talking about this and that. The usual. His work, Quinn, David back east. And I’ve gabbed about the usual, too - Tom, computers, animals.

Later…

OK, I hung up with Andy, who I spoke with for an hour and a half.

I made it clear to him that I would not visit him back east and why. We also discussed how no one’s perfect and everyone has some quality we don’t really like. He doesn’t like David’s beer drinking and David doesn’t like his smoking pot, but they both smoke cigarettes. From this stemmed how I felt Andy either had the worst memory on the face of this earth or just didn’t care, about how he had such a problem with simple requests like not eating on the phone. That’s so fucking annoying and it makes it hard for me to concentrate and keep up with what he’s saying. He said he thought he had been getting away with it by eating really soft and didn’t think I’d notice it.

Anyway, he and I talked about our hardest times with those we know. In my opinion, the worst thing that happened between Tom and me was the fight we had over Kim, Phil, and Alex’s visit. I’m sure Tom feels that that was our worst fight too, but for different reasons. No matter what he says, I’ll always believe that the shit Tom gave me for it was about nothing but pure jealousy. Tom felt jealous, threatened, and left out. Period.

Now I’m gonna go do some more indexing (my daily table of contents).

Later…

Why do I sneeze every single time I walk on the treadmill? At least changing cages around here today didn’t spawn an allergy fit.

As much as Evie can be a bore or a pest at times, I really love that woman. She’s so accepting of me and she’s just such a sweetheart. She agrees with Tom, though, and thinks I look better now. She said I looked fine weight-wise when she saw me at Mary’s, and that I looked healthier, happier, and not so frail.

Time to give a vinegar treatment to my dog and cat mugs soon and get rid of these coffee and tea stains.

I called Ashton Drake to see if I could find out what their shipping schedule is but the lady who answered my call didn’t know squat. When we last checked last Friday, they still hadn’t taken the money out of the account for the dolls, but they may verify the account, then send the dolls first, and then take the payments. Or they may ship only once or twice a month. It depends on how much volume they’ve got and where. If they were shipped last Friday or today, they could get here at the end of the week, but I’d say it’s more likely that they’ll get here during the first or second week of November.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1998 I was right about the freeloaders. Last night’s episode only lasted a couple of minutes, but there was a horn honk and about two kids and two adults yelling something I couldn’t quite make out.

Today it was a horn honk and the music from that aqua-colored car that’s usually a problem when it comes around, but fortunately, the damn thing doesn’t come around a lot. No white car this weekend. Instead, it’s just been the aqua one. The music was amazingly soft enough so that it couldn’t be heard in the back room over the air cleaner that’s back there, but it could be heard up front. I saw 3 freeloaders leave in this car, but don’t know who the hell it was. I thought I saw a 10-year-old boy that I thought I heard last night.

Anyway, it’s too soon to know if they’re going back to their old shit or if this is just one of their occasional outbursts just so they can say they rebelled against me and the city, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that there isn’t gonna be a third city letter. I’m not gonna send letters that are only good a few months at a time. My fists will take care of the problem permanently, and if they give me music regularly again, I’m not only gonna give them music of my own right back at night, but I’m gonna break every bone in their sick bodies. I’m not gonna even bother with a city letter or evictions. I’m just gonna put them in their place till we move.

Tom, who was as quick to defend them as he usually is, said there’s always music on Sunday mornings. No there isn’t. Not for months, there hasn’t been. Besides, if she really wanted to stay at that house, why would she kick the cock out, make sure he never parks in the driveway, have people lose the music, but just keep the Sunday morning music? If she really wanted to stay there, there wouldn’t be any music. Maybe she’ll rebel every few months like she just did, but not once a week. That’d be too risky, wouldn’t it?

Later…

Just took a shower, and while I was in there, the white car pulled in. I could hear the banging while in the shower and asked him about it when I got out. He said he saw some guy fiddling with the trunk. He said the trunk’s broken and so that’s what the slamming was all about this time. He couldn’t tell who the guy was but said that he thinks she goes somewhere on Sundays, so he’s over there watching football. I don’t know about that. I think she’s over there. I don’t think she left with that aqua car.

I’m tempted to start by giving them some music tonight no matter what else happens today. I’m just so sick of their shit, and I’ll be damned if I’ll put up with it every day. Even every week. If they gotta honk and yell on weekends, fine, but the bottom line is - no music. What kinds of things could happen in these people’s lives to make them this insecure that they gotta go getting the attention of people they hate? When you’re into attention-getting from people you’re supposed to hate, that’s really fucking desperate.

Later…

The bitch should be back soon enough.

Why are my tits sore? I only had a few cups of tea with caffeine in it, but only a few, and there’s less caffeine in tea than there is in coffee.

Tom tried putting a new hinge on the broken back door but didn’t have the right screws.

Later…

I was just mentally visualizing tomorrow’s setup for the mice’s cages and accessories. They need changing badly! I hope changing them doesn’t spawn a 10-hour allergy attack!

I was surprised that Tom wanted sex again today, but it was nice. Neither of us came, though, and you could say that that was the non-surprising part of it. Still, the time we spent together in bed was nice. Screwing’s always nice, even if it gets boring at times, but I read in bed while he napped and that’s still spending some quality time together as far as we’re concerned.

The thing I don’t get about Tom, though, is why sex is so strenuous for him. Most of the time I’d swear I had an 80-year-old man on top of me. He huffs and puffs and his heart goes booming and I wonder why it’s so hard for him. I know he’s 41 and not 21, but still, don’t most guys in their 60s have it easier than this? And he’s not acting as far as this goes, either.

The unfortunate news is that the leak in the back room started leaking again. I should’ve known it was too good to be true that it’d finally be fixed (this time the dogs did go off on Tom). I was surprised at how much rain we had today and that it rained at prime bitch time on a weekend. It rained on and off. Usually, out in Arizona, it only rains a few minutes, then that’s it. So, while it was pouring, Tom went on the roof to see where the water was building up and he patched up an area that he suspected water was getting through. Hope it helps.

I’m surprised Andy hasn’t called during the weekend, but I haven’t heard from him since last weekend when he left me those 3 long messages about his visit from Marla, Evan, and the boys. That’s a long time for him.

Tom looked to see if there were more miniature golf games online, but surprisingly, there weren’t. I like the golf game we’ve got, except it’s “too male.” You can tell by the dull colors and by the content of most of the courses, that it’s male-made.

The current Ruby Jean Jensen book I’m reading is a typical Ruby book. It’s great, and I’m two-thirds of the way done. I want to hurry up and read it to the end, but at the same time, I want it to last. Once I’ve read it, I’ve read it, and I know the story.

Tom felt that the best thing to do with the $5,000 coming from Ma as part of the sale money from the dump she had, would be best spent by paying off our debts rather than put away and saved. We’re about $4,000 in debt.

Now here’s something really fucking weird! I know White Paw’s meow. Hers was lower-pitched than Blackie’s. I let Blackie out a little while ago, sat down to write, then I could’ve sworn I heard WP at the door. I know I did. So I upped and opened the door, but there was no cat in sight. As soon as I opened it, though, I could hear Blackie’s higher-pitched meowing and then I saw that he was at the back of the yard. There’s no way that meow could’ve been his. So unless that was the ghost of WP, she is still alive and she took off when she heard me coming. But why, though? That cat practically loved to piss me off by sticking around when she knew I didn’t want her.

So, all in all, last night’s honk and shouts, and today’s honk and music were all that was heard from our beautiful freeloaders. The white car took off after I last wrote, and to my surprise, the aqua car never returned. I thought it was gonna come back just as loud or louder, but if it did, it was while we were in the bedroom with the fan going.

The white car came and went two more times after it left just after I’d written. See, I still think that all these cars are running drugs and or supplies, but Tom said that that white car that came and went could’ve been running to the store for her, but still, who does this bitch think she is to have all these people doing so much for her? I could never have gotten someone to babysit my kid 5 days a week if I had had one, I could never have gotten someone to take me grocery shopping regularly, I could never have gotten someone to take me out every weekend, so what is it with this bitch having her finger wrapped around all these people? Is she Dureen persuasive, or what? And I’m sure she’s not giving them anything in return for all their slavery. What can she give them? I’ll bet that if she needed something in the middle of the night, there’d be at least 10 different people she could call. But not even my best friend would ever have come running to me like that and that often. Not before. Not now. Another question is how do all her cronies get the time to spend catering to her? Don’t these people work or have lives of their own to live? Obviously not.

Pleasantly enough, there weren’t a million stereos out there today like there was yesterday. I’m sure that had a part in the aqua car’s music. They probably felt left out, and all those stereos probably encouraged them to follow right along.

Speaking of cars and stereos, I haven’t seen that big white car that used to be a real bass blaster (I mean big-time) bass since the second city complaint went in. I’ll bet you the reason why is because they reacted the same way that bitch did when she asked them to lay off the music cuz of me and my complaint. I’ll bet they were just an oh-so-true friend and said, fuck it then. We either play it loud or we don’t know you. She could very well have told the shit in the aqua car to cut it out too, and got a reply of, we’ll lower it, but we won’t turn it off completely.

I wonder if she thinks that the basketball hoop is part of the deal. Does she think that I’ll complain if she lets anyone play ball? Well, I kind of hope so and that she’s afraid to let anyone use that hoop cuz of me, and I just can’t believe that it’s almost November and there still haven’t been any games yet!

I got an awesome idea. I’m not gonna go back to my first journal and do this throughout my past journals, but from here on out, and maybe even from the start of this month, I’m gonna do a table of contents. After each day of writing is complete, I’ll go to my index98 file and type a list of stuff I wrote for that day.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1998 Tom made a pile of papers from our file box for me to scan and save, and to scan and trash. So I made a legal document folder on the computer that Tom will put on CD.

Did laundry, dishes, and the usual weekend stuff.

Got an email from Kim. She’s doing OK. Still with Walter. She forwarded me some blonde jokes, but they weren’t all that funny. Why are there so many blonde jokes? Is it cuz people really hate blondes? Or is it cuz people are jealous of them?

We had sex which was typical - cumless.

My schedule’s backing up again. A few days ago I got up at 12:30 PM, yesterday I got up at 10:00 AM, and today I got up at 8:00 AM.

I forgot to say that the city woke me up at 7:30 on Friday. I awoke to a huge truck with a thunderous idle that was parked on the corner here by the fire hydrant right in front of our house. They worked on the sewers all day, but like an idiot, I forgot to turn the music beats on. The amazing part of it was that I went back to sleep and didn’t get woken up again. Without Benadryl, either.

There was a ruckus around here alright (this morning), but it wasn’t next door. The people across the street had a tag sale. A big one. There were enough car door slams to make up for several weekends of that from the freeloader. It drew a few stereo bangers in, too. By just 11:00 AM I had heard 5 stereos bang by.

Tom says their sign said it was a moving sale, although there’s no for-sale sign up over there. I don’t know if I like the idea of these people moving. These people, by the way, are a couple with a couple of small boys, I believe. The guy bought a small TV from us when we had our tag sale and he seemed nice enough. Anyway, I hope they’re not moving, cuz it’s too close for comfort. Too close for potential trouble from new neighbors. The only time I had problems with these people was when I first moved in here. They had a black and white dog that yipped its ass off. The problem with this house is that they don’t have a block wall running around its back and sides like we do. They’ve got a chain-link fence which means if there was a dog over there, it could go right up to the front of the house at the side and bark out at the street all day and night like the one they had did (I’m surprised I haven’t heard more from these boys, though). So, if they leave and if new people come who are owners, there’s an 80% chance there’ll be a dog, and gone will be the peace from the living room. Especially at night. There are a couple of dogs somewhere across the street within a span of 8 houses or so, but they seldom bark and they don’t have loud or shrilly barks. And who knows how many kids there’ll be playing out front, since people out here usually use the front of their house for play and for sitting around gabbing and shit like that, and who knows what stereos they’ll have?

The people that have been there all along, though seem like the last family was - decent, friendly, and respectful of others. They don’t seem to be the selfish assholes we got next door.

Tom said they didn’t have anything really nice to sell. No dolls or anything like that. Mainly toys and furniture.

Later…

You could say that I’m not in a very good mood right now, that’s for sure!

Tom bought T-shirts so I could make up shirts for my nieces and Tammy with family pictures for Chanukah. He bought the iron-on sheets too, that claim to be better. They claim this kind’s better cuz you can peel them off when they cool so you don’t have to be rushed. The first one went on fine, but it was too easy. Just like with the CD-making. Sure enough, to make up for that easiness, I couldn’t get the rest on. Some wouldn’t go on at all and some would only partially go on. So, I’ll see if Tom wants to do it, but if not, we’ll just mail them a card.

Today has been horrendous as far as stereos go. It’s just been one after the other!

Tom saw the little clown next door sitting out front as if she was waiting for someone. Then an aqua-colored car (or some medium shade of blue) that I may or may not have seen before pulled in, then left.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1998 It’s dark now. Are the kids gonna come out to play in the street?

I got a good look at Caddy Kid today who Tom said was white. Weren’t no white boy in that car. Just a couple of freeloaders. Obvious drug dealers too, driving a nice car like that at such a young age.

I hope my ominous feeling pertaining to next door and this weekend is wrong. Yes, the cock’s been happily out of the picture, and things have been quiet with the exception of door slamming, but something tells me it’s time for them to stir things up a bit. I just feel a bit of a ruckus over there coming on, but what kind and for how long, beats me.

Ma’s house was bought by a company that plans to tear down the old, sagging barn and fix up the house to either sell or rent. She’s giving each of her 5 kids $5,000. There may be a little bit of extra after she pays the realtor his fees so that we can have too, which should be an additional $1,500.

Well, this is nice of her, but we’re not gonna take a little chunk of it to have fun with. We’re gonna save it all to move with. I just hope the stock improves so we can get out of here this summer! Better yet, why doesn’t God kill Mom, who’s just hogging up time and space, and that’ll really get us out of here!

Speaking of time, I’m so glad that fucking house is gone!!! Now all Tom has to do is have his old car towed away. Hopefully, we can have more time to do our own shit now.

Watched a couple of movies I decided to tape. Yeah, I still tape movies every once in a while, but Jesus fucking Christ! Can there ever be a movie where no one’s pregnant? Not only was one of the major cast members pregnant, they even had to show a gross and rather scary clip of a childbirth video she was watching. It’s sickeningly old! The 80s had nothing but drug-related shit on TV and with the 90s it’s the pregnancy. What will the next decade bring? First it bothered me cuz it was a constant reminder of what I couldn’t have that I once wanted, and now it bothers me cuz I’m sick of it. I can understand Doe and Art’s frustration over repetition, but the difference is I don’t try to control these pregnancy fanatics. I just ignore them. Really, though, I wish they’d come up with something new for a change. This is why I don’t watch much TV. Same old, same old.

I did go out and weigh myself this morning, after all. I’m down to 112 pounds. Although, when I stepped on the scale again, it said 114. I asked Tom if he felt it’d just keep slowly going down as long as I walk and eat sensibly like I have been. He said yes, but of course, it’ll stop at some point. If it is really dropping some more, when will it stop? Certainly not at 100 pounds, right? Maybe 110? Well, wherever it stops is where it stops. As long as it doesn’t go up to the 120s again.

I contemplated sending Larry and his parents duplicate copies of my journal excerpts written around the time they pulled their shit on me. If I did, though, it wouldn’t be till after we moved. Maybe I’ll include them with the bitch just for the kicks of it and to express even more things to them that I feel would help me to put them further into the past, even if they don’t like one thing I have to say. On the other hand, is it worth it? Are they really worth it? Would they even read it? I don’t know. Well, we’ll just wait and see what happens.

As I may have said before, Ray, the oldest in Tom’s family, is his most stupid sibling from what Tom’s told me. Also, Nora’s never been right in the head, Ryan’s a retarded mental case on SSI, Jackie’s a user, and so is her sister Pam. Pam’s actually worse. She beats the shit out of her 5-year-old daughter Jennifer. That’s why Child Protective Services came and took her away.

Evie emailed me saying she heard that they wanted to keep Jennifer in the family and that I may be one of the ones called about taking her. I reminded her of my sterility and of my belief that if God felt children should be a part of my life, he’d have made sure my plumbing was in order, and that I believe Tom would’ve made a good father, but I wouldn’t even know what to do. I really believe that if God had faith in me as a mother and felt I could handle it; I’d have been a mom by now.

Evie had asked me about adoption or foster parents, and she said that Tom and I would make excellent parents. That’s nice of her, but I really think only one of us would’ve made an excellent parent.

I’m very glad to hear that Jennifer was removed from Pam as sad as the situation is, but again I question God. Why? Why even bother in the first place to let the Pams out there have kids to beat? Thank fucking God it was just one kid, though, if God just had to give Pam any at all, but please God, don’t let her have any more!!

When Tom got home, he told me no, they don’t want Jennifer with family. They want her to make a clean break from the family without people connected to Pam, with the hopes of her being young enough to cope with the abuse she got from Pam. I think it’s too late, though. I think she’s gonna grow up to be an aggressive, loser and abuser herself.

He also says that Pam, who’s always been crazy, is in a nut ward and he says she’s been pretty much put away for good and can never have Jennifer back. I disagree with that one. She’ll get out and she’ll get the kid back. They always do.

Later…

Just watched another movie. The pregnant one in this one had hers vacuumed out.

It’s the weekend now, so I can expect calls from Andy.

Evie’s 45 tomorrow. Damn, 45 with a two-year-old?! Guess it’s not so uncommon these days. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can hear that the weekend has arrived. There goes thumper number one.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1998 Yeah, it was the bitch that left with Bill. He took her grocery shopping. They returned at 6:00.

No, the stage isn’t being set for anything. My schedule jumped 5 hours. I was up a long time last night and didn’t get up till 12:30 today, rather than 7:00 like I did yesterday. I figured as much, though. What I’m doing right now, and what I’ve basically been doing since marrying Tom is my peak destiny and what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life, and no, that’s not a complaint. Far from it!

I may be just under 115 pounds, but I’m not gonna bother to weigh myself without feeling a major difference. I just feel a slight difference. I still walk for at least 15 minutes every day. Sometimes I do more.

Yesterday, Tom got me a list of Ruby Jean Jensen’s books at her site that I couldn’t get into. Unfortunately, most of her earliest books that she wrote in the 70s are out of print so I may never get to read those books that I know are great. I just finished one of her books last night and am about to begin another. The one I just finished was good but different for her. There was nothing supernatural in it. It was about a guy who killed his wife that he leaves in this secluded cabin in the woods. Meanwhile, he steals 4 boys and a girl that he abuses. He kills 3 boys. The remaining boy and the girl escape him.

I changed Ratsy’s cage earlier and on Monday I’ll do the mice.

Got a wonderful message that Mary left from work. She said they got an offer on the house for $35,000 cash and she just wanted his opinion, but since they had to close this deal today, they were probably gonna go for it.

That was fast! I love it when my vibes are wrong for the better. Does that mean this is it? That house is out of our hands? In the past? We’ll never step foot in it again? What about Tom’s old car? Did he have that towed yet? If the house is now out of hands, no Mary, no Marge, Tom’s mine. You cannot have him for other jobs. He has his own life and responsibilities.

I wonder how Lisa’s doing. I haven’t talked to her since Tammy and I talked to her. I still worry about her associating with Larry. I wish to hell Larry would change his number for Lisa’s sake, but I can’t make either of them do anything.

Sex last night was typical mid-cycle sex. He couldn’t really get into it. Too scared. His excuse was “bad rhythm.” That’s a lame one. Can’t he do better than that? I still wish he just wouldn’t bother. Can’t he come out and admit his fears, as he’s admitted there’s a 5% chance in his mind I’m OK, and just not touch me then? Or can’t he just say he’s too tired or just not in the mood? You know, if I was told we couldn’t have sex for years, I wouldn’t miss it! Thank fucking God I don’t feel as bored with him as far as the non-sexual side of the relationship goes, as I do with the sexual side of it!

Tina in Maine should get her letter today. My nieces should get theirs tomorrow.

Later…

One of the family pictures came down as a screensaver. Before, Tom and I could only get journals and Norah and Gloria pictures to show up. I tried to get another family pic to show up but couldn’t. Tom said he’d look into it, but of course, that could be quite a while from now.

It’s gorgeous out there now. Blackie’s doing his thing out there, of course. He’s just sitting there or walking across the yard, and all the while he’s meowing his head off. I thought cats had to have a reason to meow, but not this one. He meows when he eats, when he’s just sitting there by himself; all the time.

Later…

Some great, responsible parents we have today. There are 3 kids batting a can out in the middle of the street and it’s nearly pitch dark out there. What kind of parent lets their kids play out in the middle of the street in the dark? I don’t know if these kids were associated with the Lopezs or what, but they sure are fucking weird!

Later…

The kids weren’t out there long. I can go back to reading my book of Ruby’s in peace, which as usual, is great even though I’m only on the 8th page.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1998 I’m waiting for it to hurry up and rain so we can do the big test and see how much it leaks in here. I can smell the rain in the air, but as usual, the sun’s poking through the clouds. Yeah, that’s Arizona for you. It’s never usually all cloudy, but clouds mixed with sun. The clouds are mostly towards the northwest and the sun is towards the southeast. Wish it would rain from 5 PM-9 PM on Halloween, but fat chance! At least I strongly vibe that this will be our last Halloween here.

Yesterday I called our neighbor behind us (Gloria) but her husband answered. I told him we’d more than likely be moving this summer and that I had some things she could have free of charge. He told me to call back after November 15th saying that Gloria’s working at the state fair till then and isn’t getting home till 10:00 - 11:00 at night. According to Tom, though, the state fair doesn’t start for a few more days yet. Now, why couldn’t the fucking liar just tell me they weren’t interested? I’ll just throw the stuff in the recycle bin. To me, that’d be a lot like if I brought the stuff to Goodwill. It won’t be entirely wasted and thrown away. It’ll be used again, if not in quite the same way someone who bought them from Goodwill would use them.

It looks like it’s getting sunnier out there, so maybe the rain will miss us. Tom said it always rains during the fair, so maybe we will get some soon.

Being “normal” last night was a bust. He went to bed at 4 PM, then I came in at 7:00. By 9:30 I had to kick him out. He just wouldn’t stay still and kept waking me up just when I’d conk out. So I had to move him to the couch and take a Benadryl.

He said he wants the sex today that we would’ve normally had on Monday. But why? How can he be in the mood any more than I am these days? Although my reasons are different. I’m just not in the mood. Period. But him? He just came, and it’s too close to mid-cycle for him to really feel comfortable about sex enough to enjoy it and cum. So why bother? I hate to see him do things he doesn’t really want to do, but again, maybe it is deep in his subconscious and he doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on. Sometimes someone else can understand you better than you can. They can see things about someone that they themselves can’t see.

Later…

Just did my daily 15-minute walk. Sometimes I do more, but I try to make sure I always do at least 15 minutes of walking.

Today my stomach feels like it’s the flattest it’s been in a while. I probably woke up as low as 112 pounds, so I probably won’t shit today so my body can balance things out and not end up weighing below 112 pounds where it doesn’t feel comfortable.

I hate having to wear a bra at all times, though. My tits are still bigger, so even when they’re not sore, I still have to wear bras, or else they bounce around and that’s not comfy.

God, this fucking annoying cat! Even Tom agrees he’s the weirdest cat he’s ever known and that he meows more than any other cat he’s ever known. He just goes on and on and doesn’t shut up! It’s like Andy on the phone. I left him a message on Monday but haven’t heard from him since. What’s he doing? Waiting for the weekend?

The sun’s coming in and out, but still no rain.

Got 3 dead friends on my wallpaper now - Bunny, Spunky, and Teddy Bear. As Tom pointed out yesterday, it’s so weird how T-Bear got along with Bunny and Spunky, but not Gizzy. And I think it’s also weird that Bunny got along with Piggy and Spunky, but not Velvet.

Later…

Just had my shiny friend in. I call him my shiny friend at times cuz of how his black coat shines.

Ratsy wanted to come out and nestle with me too, just now. He’s been keeping weird hours lately. He’s usually pretty nocturnal, but he’s been staying up later these last few days. Or getting up around this time for a while.

With all the birds that are out there, I haven’t seen Measles in days. I don’t know what this means. Maybe she’s sitting on eggs now, but I think this is the wrong time of year for that.

Still no White Paws either, and that’s gotta mean that she, as well as her mother, is dead. Why else would they stay away for this long? I hope Blackie’s not next to disappear, although I sure don’t miss the other cats.

Tom told me when he got in (I’m to wake him up at 8:00 so we can have cumless fun) that the reason he kept shifting in bed last night was due to stomach cramps.

I made the freeloaders a table of contents. This that I’m about to write obviously won’t be enclosed with the freeloader’s journal excerpts, but anyway, the table of contents (door-slamming, music, dog, bitch’s fit on our doorstep, city complaints) and other BS that I added in like bogus things I saw, heard and did, like the house hopping incident and her chasing him with the weed whacker, is to further ensure that they read my writings. I want them to be interested enough to read just what I have to say about them (that’s both true and bullshit, of course) and it’ll also lower the chances of them dragging the cops into the picture. The cops can’t do shit about what I wrote. Period. A person can write all they want. But because I’d periodically write about all the vandalism we’d supposedly receive from them, it should lower the chances of them showing this shit to the cops, cuz I’d still prefer that they read it and not the cops, so this table of contents should grab their curiosity all the more. It isn’t just vandalism I accuse them of, but it’s also drug-related stuff and violence and things most people wouldn’t want the cops to hear about even if it were bullshit. I can picture the bitch and her cronies laughing over something like the weed whacker chase and therefore, being all the more willing to read about it. And they’ll have to find it themselves. The table of contents only includes subjects. Not page numbers or dates.

I prayed to God that they don’t go before we do and that they read what I give them.

Got some wind to add to these clouds, but still no rain.

Later…

Now here’s a day to be thankful that we don’t live about 5 houses towards the north. Maybe even more, since it’s a bit breezy out and the breeze is blowing south. That’s probably why I could hear what I heard unless it’s a new edition to the neighborhood. There’s this dog going off somewhere with the most obnoxious bark I ever heard. It reminds me of that dog with the high-pitched, screechy bark that the trailer people had. It’s worse than the freeloader’s old dog, and in a way, even worse than the guard dogs. The guard dogs seem to take most of their fits in the early morning and early evening hours. I’m surprised they didn’t pitch a fit when Tom was patching up the roof.

I wonder if the freeloaders will go back to their old shit when we move. Will the cock come back and go banging in and out 6 times a day?

It’s still cloudy out, but even so, it’s nice out there.

Later…

Finally! It’s raining. No leaks yet. It looks like he did it! He fixed it! I’m so proud of him and happy he fixed this shit once and for all.

Got a card in the mail from Evie who lost 10 more pounds, cut her hair really short, said Parker’s Baptism was wonderful, and thanked me for prayers I never made.

Also, if it’s so much easier to care for her hair now when it was only to the shoulders before and is so straight and thin, how would she cope with this thick, long curly hair that I’ve got that’s just an inch or so away from the thighs?

Tammy was in a foul mood when I called there. The usual, she said. Lisa’s lying and doing the opposite of what she’s told to do. She caught her smoking downstairs again when she wants her smoking outside of the house.

Another thing I won’t include in the freeloaders’ write-ups is how I just put old pictures in the manila envelope that their stuff’s in. There are a few old baby pictures of Tammy’s kids that are blurry, some of Bob, and one of Mark standing in uniform by his cruiser. Mark W, Kim’s ex. They should be pretty baffled about them.

Later…

Now that’s weird. Why would that bitch be leaving with Bill now? I didn’t look long enough to see who the fuck it was for sure, but someone was on the passenger side. If it was her, why would Bill sit the mistake all day, then take the bitch off somewhere when she got home? And how did she get home? By Bill or the cock? I didn’t see. I just know I heard a series of door slams that were really starting to irk me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1998 Boy, this rat sure loves to come out! When I first got him, I’d have to chase him and pick him up by the tail in order to take him out. Now, he climbs on top of his nest and allows me to pick him up by his body.

He doesn’t really care to play with Velvet anymore like he used to, but Velvet’s always glad to see him when I occasionally plop him into his cage for a visit.

I just realized that I haven’t seen the trailer next door in ages. When I say “next door” I mean across the street at the old man’s place. Maybe they had a hard time sleeping here.

Tom says he’s gonna stop over at Mary’s after work to see what Mom has to say about the Realtor that she and Mary were supposed to meet with yesterday. I just wish she’d hurry up and sell the fucking place. We don’t need two houses or the added responsibility. We have enough shit of our own to do, although she was paying us $300 a month to take care of it. I still don’t vibe the house selling till February, though, and that doesn’t mean that it won’t go to Jackie and Jim, but I don’t vibe that quite as much. She even once mentioned giving it to Jackie’s lazy, spoiled, user sister Pam and her spoiled brat kid Jennifer. Watch, though. Whenever this house sells, whoever it sells to, they’ll just try to sucker Tom into doing something else for them. People seem to be obsessed with Tom doing stuff for them. They don’t care that he has a life. Or wants to have one.

Tom said that at 11:45 last night, Caddy Kid boomed by and that he’s never known him to boom by that late. Neither have I. It couldn’t have been too loud since it didn’t wake me up and since I didn’t have the music on for its beats. The stereo problem around here comes and goes. You can go a couple of weeks without hearing any, then they bang by 5 times a day, and back and forth.

The sales calls are the same, too. Sometimes we get 8 a day, sometimes 1-2, but yesterday there was not one of them. Isn’t that totally shocking?!

Can’t wait for my dolls!! Wish they could come today, but no way. Got another week or two. Maybe more.

Just finished another Ruby Jean Jensen book and I’ve got 4 more left. Then, I think I’ll have read all she ever wrote. She seems to have done most of her writing between 1984-1988. She is the best writer I’ve ever known, although there are a few others I like too. I’ll have to check out her website. I couldn’t even stand to read John Saul’s worst books, but I could get through Ruby’s worst books, but even her worst books, in my opinion, were still pretty good. As I said, the only thing I don’t like even though all authors do it is they get too descriptive. I don��t care if the people in her stories have red couches or blue ones. Her last book really feeds on my fantasies, though. As anyone does, I still have my fantasies in my mind that are fun to turn to when I’m falling asleep, bored, or whatever. This last book took place at a traveling carnival, and that’s a nice fantasy - meeting this gorgeous woman to travel within the carnie while we work at a concession stand or a merry-go-round. This traveling life would never appeal to me in real life, but in never-never land, it’s kind of fun.

I love reading. It’s like visiting a whole different world with a whole different set of stories and people each time I visit, and I can leave that world whenever I want to and visit it at my own convenience.

Later…

It’s pretty warm out there right now. Tom’s out there patching up the last of the leak. I hope. It’s kind of stinky. The cooler’s bringing in the smell of the shit.

As for our daughter’s house - it’s to be listed at $39,000 tomorrow. That’s dirt fucking cheap! You couldn’t find a house priced nearly that low back east if you tried. It’s not up to code and no one can take a loan out on it. They have to pay cash for it. No wonder I vibe February for it selling. I don’t see how it’ll be so easy to sell even at that price. A scummy Mexican family with 9 kids couldn’t afford it, but a person with the cash probably wouldn’t want to live in that area. So, maybe a person with cash will buy it to rent, or maybe they’ll tear the house down and build a new one. That’s what should be done. It’s a tiny, run-down shack that really should be demolished and rebuilt bigger, and more modern.

Once Tom comes down from the roof, we’re gonna go online to see if they’ve taken any money for the dolls yet.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1998 If rats are supposed to be so smart, why is mine acting so stupid? Every 4 or 5 times I have him out, he pees. From around 2 AM-7 AM, he’s really active and wanting to come out.

We screwed yesterday, but he had a hard time keeping hard. He stayed in there, though, till he got sick of it. It should be 2-6 months before he gets off again. At the wrong time, too. Even though all the evidence points to me being sterile, he’s not gonna take any chances. Not with his own fears and not with knowing I don’t want a child. Well, he seems happy and that’s what counts. If he’s not, he sure does a great job of not complaining about it.

Can’t wait for my dolls to get here! Still have quite a wait, though.

I took off the gorgeous dress that Pansy Bear wears, that collector’s teddy bear that Doe sent, and washed it. I made some changes with her too, that I personally think look better. I left her hat on, but I took off the umbrella that she was holding. It was too much and it shaded her face and her pearl earring (the other ear is covered by the hat). I also detached her from the lamb that was on a leash. I left her pantaloons on but took off the slip she had on with that rough net-like material that’s used to puff skirts out. This dress has a full enough skirt of its own.

I thought of a really cool gift idea for Tammy and the girls for Chanukah. I want to do iron-on T-shirts for them. Not of Gloria and Norah, of course, but family pictures. It goes without saying that that excludes pictures of Doe, Art, and Larry. But pictures of them and us would be really cool, I think. Tammy said to get extra-large shirts for her, Lisa, and Becky, and a medium for Sarah.

I’m gonna start a batch of letters for the girls.

Tammy said she is gonna keep the name G for the girls. She and Mark are doing some remodeling in her place. She ditched AOL for a while cuz she has too much going on.

I added my journals and the family pictures to my Gloria and Norah screensaver, but there’s a problem that Tom will have to investigate, cuz only the journals (along with Gloria and Norah pics) show up. Anyway, I love seeing my journals flying across the screen. Something I never thought I’d see!

Our lovely freeloaders behaved this weekend, but I still can’t believe no one’s played ball over there yet! Anyway, a white car was at the house at 9:30, then Tom saw a white car pull into the driveway shortly after, then back right back out onto the street. He said he could see two people in the car. They only sat there a minute, though, before taking off. At 1:15 she and her sister in the white car came in. I saw the sister take a stroller from the trunk, then the bitch got out with a basket of some kind that she roughly set down on the ground. All pissed off, as usual, I guess. Then she took something out of the backseat, picked up the basket, and disappeared from view.

Tom is sure that we’ll move first and that it won’t even be close, cuz these programs, like the one she’s in, takes years. Well, I sure hope so, and yes, I do vibe us going first. Especially once I realized that there weren’t gonna be so many turnovers as I originally thought there were gonna be. It was pretty much when the bitch took her tizzy fit on my doorstep in September of ‘97 that I realized she was it while we were still here.

I’m still 115 pounds and after comparing how long it took me to drop from 124 to around 120 and from 120 to around where I am now, I can see a pattern. I’ve been weighing 115 for way longer than I hung at 124 or 122 or 119, etc. In other words, 115 is as low as I can go in this day and age without nearly starving, being a 33-year-old non-smoker. So now that my job of losing weight is done, my job now is to maintain my weight, which takes an incredible amount of work, but not like it would for me to lose anymore.

Later…

Andy told me that Judy’s selling the cottage and getting a 5-bedroom, 2-story cottage on Hawk’s Nest beach. Andy’s really bummed about this too, saying that the very year he comes here, they buy back their cottage and now it’s up for sale the year he moves back. Or the year he says he’s moving back, cuz I still won’t believe it till and if I see it.

Sleep time last night was a real pisser. First Dureen, Art, and Larry spend years fucking with me in real life, and now they’re doing it in my fucking dreams!

Thanks for the wonderful dreams on top of the wonderful memories, Doe, Art, and Lar. Thanks a lot!

All I remember about the dream was being in the same house Tammy was in but in the next room. I heard her suddenly start yelling, so somehow, I knew that that meant Doe, Art, and Larry were there. Then in the doorway of the room I was in, came Larry with Art behind him. I told him to get the fuck out or I’d kick his ass without caring how big he was. He turned and walked away without a word. Then I woke up as I was contemplating going after him and beating the shit out of him anyway.

Later…

It’s warming up out there now and as usual, the dogs are going off. The further away from the ocean you are, the more of a temperature swing you can have between nights and days. The days are nice, but the nights are quite chilly. In the early morning yesterday, we ran the heat for a few minutes, but by the afternoon, we needed to cool it down in here.

There are so many birds out there (I’ve been giving them old bread) but I haven’t seen Measles in a while. I still should stop feeding these birds altogether. They make too much of a mess.

Tom crashed at 6:30 and at 9:30 I’ll be getting him up to go mow our daughter’s yard. Then he’ll come home and have plenty of time to sleep till he goes in to work at 1:30.

Later…

This cat is sooooo weird. He meows even while he eats! It does sound funny, though.

Tom’s up now, eating hot dogs and watching TV. He began watching TV with cordless headphones which we both like better. When I talk, he can hear me and the TV. And I can concentrate on reading, writing, and stuff like that, and hear what the bitch is up to if anything these days.

I hope to be up on Halloween night so that if there is a ruckus next door, I won’t have to worry about it waking me up and causing me to kill them. This will also be our first Halloween without the screen door that hooks (knocking on the inner door’s way louder than when someone would knock on the screen door we used to have that you could hook) so all the more I hope to be up that night, cuz as dark as we’ll have the place, I know some stupid idiots will still knock on our door.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18, 1998 They didn’t have Patrice anymore, but that’s OK, cuz Patrice and Summer Dream are on their way here from that Ashton Drake catalog!! Yeah, I decided I’d take all the gambling money and spend it on dolls. Tom’s gonna gamble with half of his $200 at the casino, then the other half at the racetrack. Anyway, the dolls should get here in 6-8 weeks or sooner. Tom thinks they’ll get here in about two weeks. Well, I should hope so, cuz what’s the big deal? He called in the order and gave a credit card number, so why should it take so long to take the money, pack the dolls, then ship them? He said the lady said they were available. Thank God, too, cuz we tried to order them online from their website, but they weren’t there.

So, I guess I’ll be getting Katherine Rose with my birthday and Christmas money, but maybe not. There’s this really cute doll in a bright yellow dress with pigtails and smiling while holding a lollipop. I might get this, cuz I’m out for variety, too. It’d be my first smiling doll and my first one with pigtails. The more I think of this one, the more I’m interested in her and not Katherine Rose.

I caught the last 45 minutes of a 3-hour doll show on TV. They only featured about 20 dolls throughout the 3 hours, along with a few other things, but I was surprised at how cheap some of them were. Some were all-porcelain and some were part-porcelain. There also were some 30” dolls for over $200, but they had a lot of dolls around the sizes that I’ve got and that Ashton Drake’s got for between $25-$100. Most of the dolls were pitiful, though, or plain old boring. There were two dolls that maybe I’d like.

It is really, really chilly out there now! Pretty soon, we’ll be needing the heat.

My lungs were tight yesterday, so Tom whacked my back to relax the muscles. I swear, if it isn’t the lungs, it’s the nose, and vice versa. Which will it be today? Tightness in the lungs? Or a sneezy, clogged-up nose?

Robert just sent Tina in Maine a 4-page wacky letter. Yeah, Tina from Maine sent Robert a letter addressed to someone else. All Tina really had to say was that she was in North Carolina for a little while, just moved back to Maine, and was sorry she had to have Wayne contact him, her stepdad Kamilo hates her, she dyed her hair red and now it’s dyed black.

Doesn’t that last part sound familiar (I’ve had my hair dyed both those colors)?

Anyway, from what she said, she never really met or knew Robert C. I take it someone told her about him for the sake of a pen pal maybe. I don’t know. The letter was very brief, and this Tina was definitely young. Like 15-25, but probably closer to a high school girl.

This weekend’s been peaceful so far, but I don’t know about next weekend. Halloween’s on a Saturday night, and if that bitch has people come over with their kids to go trick or treating like she did last year, who knows how late they’ll stay and how loud they’ll be, but hopefully it’ll be too dark for a good ball game and too chilly to hang out much longer than needed for collecting a good amount of candy.

This is the longest time that’s passed without seeing White Paws. I hope Tom’s joking like I think he is when he says I killed her, cuz I didn’t. I tried but couldn’t. She was too quick for me. I think she went off and had babies somewhere, but Tom insists she wasn’t pregnant. Then what drove Mama Cat and finally this cat away? I’m surprised both these cats don’t pop in daily anyway, to see if there’s food around, but I can’t complain. I don’t miss them.

Andy left me 3 fucking full 3-minute messages about his visit with Marla, Evan, and the boys. Sounds like Marla and Evan were a bore and the kids drove him crazy. Still, he went on and on and on about the same damn things, and sometimes I really question my friendship with him and wonder if he really gives a shit about me. I mean, he’s never been so into himself. Well, yes, he has, actually, but it’s in a different way than in Springfield. Before, he didn’t give a shit if you were suffering mentally or physically. Now, it’s talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!! It never shuts up and it never lets you get a word in edgewise. It goes on and on about itself only and hardly ever asks about others, and forget about asking him to do you the simplest little favor. I feel like I’ve outgrown Andy.

Later…

It’s not even 6:00 in the fucking morning and the dog with the low pitch bark is going off. Wake up your masters and that bitch that’s just a few feet away from you, please!! Piss them the fuck off!

Tom just got up and I just walked for 15 minutes.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1998 I think we're gonna go get Patrice this morning, instead of Tuesday. I called the store hoping they'd have a machine with their store hours and they did. At 10:00 I'll call to see if they still have her. I hope so!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1998 Oh, what a nightmare! These fucking allergies!!! Is there no end to the constant sneezing fits?! Will I ever be able to go more than a few days without sneezing?! I woke up at 11 PM with allergies, took a Benadryl, and crashed till 2:00. Then after changing the rat's cage, vacuuming, dusting, and having 3 hours of sneezing, I took a couple more Benadryl. I've been sneezing since last night and have spent the bulk of the time in bed. I can only stay in bed for so long, though, so I decided I'd get up and live my life again, even if I sneeze through everything I do.

There was a city van parked in front of the freeloaders yesterday, but I couldn't make out what they were doing. They weren't there long. I saw a box on the ground by the open doors of the van, then a couple people came into view, put the box in the van, and then left.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1998 I just called Tammy who said she didn’t talk to Bill or a lawyer, but that Lisa’s the same, and she’s not coming out here. I was hoping she’d say just what I vibed she’d say. She agreed that maybe they all, or the girls could come out for a visit someday, but I think we both feel the same about Lisa and that’s that she needs to stay there, as miserable as it can be, graduate, then go wherever she wants.

She said it wasn’t a good time to chat, so I’ll call her back some other time. I want to see if she prefers me to keep in touch by regular mail, or if she’s back on AOL, or what. I also want to find out what their names are now. As Tom said, kids often keep their father’s name for school purposes and friends, but Tammy’s probably O again.

I hope to catch Lisa alone sometimes too, so we can talk by ourselves.

Tom confirmed that I was right with my vibes. He had guessed we’d be moving in March, but true to my vibes, the stock market’s doing lousy, so that throws it closer to what I vibe is our moving month - June. He feels June would be great, and he told me of different really cool house designs he has in mind.

Within the next year, he wants to try to switch to a day job. It’s hard on him to change his schedule back to days on his days off and even his doctor said so. He feels he’d also be able to get more done if he were on days.

I’m going to have to reschedule my GYN appointment cuz November 2nd is too close to my period unless I’m a week late or early and that throws things off.

Last night I was depressed, angry, frustrated, and confused. Yeah, old shit came back to badger me again. No, I don’t mean child desires, but I misunderstood Tom, who cleared me up today, on something he said, and cuz of it, I felt like he was jerking me around.

I thought he had told me to mention my curiosity over my sterility when I saw the GYN, then later I thought he was telling me not to mention it till after I’d gotten my exam. Well, what he meant was that it didn’t matter if I mentioned it to the GYN that day or not, cuz I still have to go through my primary doctor after one appointment with a different doctor. So after I get the exam, I have to call Dr. Brown and have her refer me to someone for infertility testing.

The bottom line, according to Tom, is that he’ll take me through it and support me if I want to get tested, or if I don’t want to get tested. Also if I want to be fixed if I can be fixed, or if I don’t want to be fixed if I can be fixed. See, there’s a very good chance that I’ll want to be fixed if that’s possible, and Tom says not to worry about money. The reason why I’d want to be fixed, which I’ve probably said before, is so that I can have the rights that I should’ve been born with.

What a guy, though. He took me through the ear, the teeth, and I could never have done this alone. 99% of the wonderful things that have happened to me since I’ve known Tom would never have been possible without him. So, no matter how often I may bitch about God and his ways, I do know that I am blessed in many ways.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1998 The dogs shut up at just after 10:30, thankfully, but if they’ve returned to barking well after dark, are they gonna go back to the all-night barking and be barking at 2:00 in the morning? God, don’t ruin the nighttime peace, please! Despite dogs and stereos, it’s been really peaceful around here overall for a good half a year now. That’s a moving sign, in a sense. Whenever I move, it seems it’s after I’ve gotten the neighbors to shut up. Except for the NHA and Bell Rd., although if I had stayed there, I’d have taken care of those kids next door somehow just like I did with the freeloaders. I’m not saying there won’t be an occasional outburst from the freeloaders, though.

Those freeloaders surprised me by acting out on Easter and being gone on Labor Day, so who knows if old Thanksgiving and Christmas patterns will hold? So far, I’ve never heard them on Thanksgiving or New Year. They go away on Christmas, but that was when he’d be in the picture, so will she herself go away? Her mother’s dead, so she isn’t out of state, although we do know she knows people out of state. I don’t know how I know the mother’s dead. I just do. I’ve never seen a mother figure visiting, and I just vibe it.

It’s still a bummer to know that this sick bitch next door can sleep through these dogs barking just a few feet away from her window. But the big question is - how??? How can she, how can anyone sleep with that shit just a few feet away? Are she and her boy toy and all their friends very hard of hearing?

I questioned saying that we had $400 spare dollars that we were gonna gamble with and get Patrice with (on Andy’s machine) knowing he’d be thinking, I could use that money for food and cigarettes, although my pot’s free thanks to Laura’s dealer boyfriend. However, other people’s lives have to go on, and he’s 36 years old. Plenty old enough to fend for himself. It’s up to him to do what he can to stop eating so much, make his food last, make more money, and get out of debt. I know everyone’s different, but I don’t understand why he won’t quit the pot. He’s quit several times for a few months, so if he can go for a few months, can’t he quit? Then all he’d have to worry about having to quit would be the smokes. But that pot’s gonna cost him at some point again, so why doesn’t he take that pot money and buy food with it?

Later…

Yeah, the dogs have gone back to their middle-of-the-night barking. I just went out to cool off after walking and one of them just went off on me. Maybe it wasn’t cuz of me, though, cuz I was out at 12:30 dumping shit into the recycle bin which was a hell of a lot louder than my footsteps just now, and they didn’t bark. As I said, this is my last handful of months here, so I won’t take any legal action against these fucking assholes. I just wish, though, that both households were woken up by them and that they’re pissed! But that’s just a fantasy. They slept right through it. If you can sleep through barking dogs that are that loud and just a few feet away, you can sleep through anything. So these dogs were always outside 24/7 just as I thought they were, and it was just an unusually quiet year for these dogs. These are specially trained attack dogs, that’ll go off on anything they hear, but not quite. I just went out and scraped my feet and stomped a few times, knowing their keen ears could hear it just fine, and they didn’t go off. Maybe they’re only instructed to pitch a fit if they hear something in the alley or close to their house.

Later…

I was rather disturbed earlier with a memory of being woke up to the sounds of my father beating the shit out of my sister. I remember crying and then Dureen came into the room.

Thank you for the wonderful memories, Dureen and Art.

After I pushed this memory aside, which sometimes takes a while to do when I get one of these shitty memories, I laughed to myself over the fact that Dureen spent all those years being guilty over the wrong thing. It’s not the ear she should’ve felt guilty about for so long, it’s the abuse she should’ve felt guilty about. To each their own I know, but if it were me that did what she did to a child, I think I’d want to kill myself for it. Even if I did that to other adults, I’d feel bad. I’d want to seek some serious help.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1998 This time of year, the after-dark weather’s great for cooling down after a walk on the treadmill. It’s chilly out now.

Just let the whiner in, and after watching a couple of movies that made me feel lazy, I did some walking.

I’m so fucking watery and bloated right now but still haven’t gotten more than a few bursts of spots. Not yet anyway. I hope quitting caffeine will spare me from the monthly sore tits so God can do something else instead. Seriously, though, I hope it helps. Not even the water pill’s helping with this water. I gotta be around 120 pounds and it’s a little harder to rock, so I’m gonna go hungry for the next couple of days by eating just a couple of bites. I had a TV dinner and some chicken wings, but that’s all I’m gonna have. No pop-tarts, popcorn, or soup in between. Yesterday was my Jack-n-the-Box day, so I had fries and a milkshake. Close to 1000 calories right there. Food’s so fattening. You gotta practically live on air, water, and salad in order to avoid so many calories, but that’s just so hard to do. I have no willpower these days. Like I said before, though, I can live knowing I’ll never be under 115 pounds again, but I don’t want to crack into the 120s again if I can help it. I like to rock comfortably.

You don’t know how good it is, though, to be able to get a period, even if it’s half-assed, and not feel all miserable about it like I used to.

I feel like I have a slight cold, but that’s probably only due to these never-ending, mother-fucking allergies I have day after day after day.

Tom wasn’t a liar yesterday. Oh, no siree! He came like a burst pipe. My period was starting (or trying to) so his subconscious, and maybe his conscious, too, felt safe about it. So, I guess every 6 months or so, when the time is right, even though he’s mostly sure I’m sterile, he’ll relax enough to let himself go.

As long as he’s happy.

Later…

Tom woke me up after I’d slept for a very long time. He said that ever since he heard of this athlete, whose husband tried to wake her up only to find she’d died in her sleep, he was worried and said it’d be very sad to have me die. How sweet of him to care and to worry. I know I would literally die if anything happened to Tom.

When I did get up, I had more of a period today and my tits are less sore, so I’m happy with that.

The dogs have been getting worse in the evenings. The bitch was fine, but the dogs are constantly barking as late as 9:00 or 11:00 nowadays, and tonight it was both of them. They used to shut up around 6:00 or 7:00, but not anymore. Well, I should only have about 8-9 months left of this shit, thank fucking God.

I gotta do some walking soon. Why is it that I do all this walking just to have my legs all mushy and filled with craters? Am I wasting my time here? Or does walking help me more than I realize? It doesn’t cause me to lose weight, but is it keeping my weight from going back up into the 120s, or is it cuz of how I’m eating, or something else? Would I have that many more craters if I didn’t walk? Would I have less stamina?

Got an email from Evie right before she was about to leave to have her gallbladder removed. The same surgery Mary had. Well, I hope she had an easier time than Mary did. Mary had a lot of pain, so we’ll see.

Got an email from Kim who’s had about as much surgery as I’ve had in my whole life in the last 6 years I’ve been out here. She’s having tissue removed from her intestines, but says it’ll only be a half-hour procedure.

Andy will be having himself some company. I think he said that from Wednesday to Thursday Marla, Evan, and the boys will be hitting his place. God! That’s such a tiny house for that many people! I hope they all have fun together, though, and the kids don’t drive Andy too crazy. In my reply message to him, I told him about the leak, about our new plans, and that I wouldn’t be up for company.

Tom fixed the cooler which had something wrong with a pipe somewhere. At least, I think that’s what he said. Well, I’m glad he fixed it and that it didn’t turn out to be a bigger deal than Tom thought/said it’d be.

Now I have what I guess is great news. Tom finally found the main leak in the back room. He said he never would’ve thought to look for it there, but it’s coming from where the old wall heater is. So, he says he’s gonna get the stuff, which will cost about $20, and patch it up this week. Well, I won’t miss that fucking leak!

I said I told Andy about our new plans. Well, our new plans are that instead of going to Vegas, we’re gonna go to the Indian reservation to gamble. Tom calculated and came up with $400 for us to blow on whatever with. He said that if we went by plane, we’d only have about $60 to gamble with after we took out the money for the plane tickets, the hotel, and the food. We could drive, but I don’t want to deal with a 6-7-hour car ride. Besides, we just did a long car trip in April. Tom said flying to Vegas or Laughlin or driving to one of these places, would be fine with him, and so would going to the Indian reservation. I chose the Indian reservation because here’s what we’re going to do - he’s gonna gamble $200. I’m gonna gamble $100 and spend the other $100 on Patrice! I didn’t realize I’d get such a jump-start on my doll collecting! So, in just a couple of months, in December, I’ll get Summer Dream.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 1998 Goodnight, bitch. Yeah, it just went to bed.

Why are the animals acting so weird? The mice haven’t gone over to the other cage that I added back on again, which is totally unlike them. They go everywhere.

I still haven’t seen White Paws and couldn’t get Blackie to come in and eat till just now. Twice I went out and he didn’t budge from where he was sitting which is totally out of character for him. If I were to go in and out every 5 minutes, so would he. That’s how he usually is, anyway. Right now he’s finishing off the chicken I cooked last night.

You can tell it’s cooling down out there, cuz he’s starting to use the recliner again.

Later…

I was just organizing my song file and giggled to myself over the song Without the Joy that I wrote in 1998. Now that I don’t want a child anymore, I guess I better write a song called With the Joy!

I finished another Ruby Jean Jensen book and this one was different than most of her books. It was the most realistic, too. It only had one supernatural monster that was only in the story briefly. A woman and her kids were running from an abusive husband/father that the woman thought she’d killed. So the guy found them and their driver who was driving them to houses within the Underground Railroad, killed him, then he came back as a monster that their dead dog returned to kill.

Her usual stories consist of haunted houses or haunted dolls. Something like that.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 1998 I was outside hanging some heavy stuff out like jeans and towels that I won’t get till the morning when I thought to myself, you definitely wouldn’t hear what I’m hearing now at 10:00 on a Saturday night in October in New England. I could hear dogs and voices off in the distance. Something you just don’t hear at that time of night, weekend or not, in October back there. Yeah, Arizona’s a noisier state, but since it was off in the distance, it was OK.

I got up at 7:30 PM and Tom said he heard not one car door from next door. Yeah, she knew I’d be asleep somehow and not up to be bugged by that shit. He did go out for a while to Sears, though, to pick up a battery charger for the newest batteries they have these days and to get a mini tool kit. At around 8:30, we heard one car door that was probably from over there, and ever since then, there have been no cars over there, but the place is brightly lit. I’m sure she’ll be hitting the sack, though, anytime now.

Tom pointed out another thing about Lisa. I know she won’t be coming out here. Not while she’s still in high school, anyhow, but if she did, that’d be a big sign that things were really bad there for her to give up her friends and her familiar surroundings.

I had to have had at least 2500 calories yesterday but am still smaller.

After yesterday’s screw, I wiped off a big spot. The kind you have when you have a light flow. But ever since then, I haven’t had anything more. I’m sure it’ll pick up within the next few days, though.

Tom made me a macro that’ll cap a document from where I tell it to. So that way, I can cap at the end of a long document that I may add on to and I won’t have to cap the whole thing again.

Now how can this wonderful man who does such things for me, still be such a liar??? He’s still lying about sex. He still goes right along with me when I make comments about how he cums most of the time when the real truth is that he hasn’t since April, and the right thing for him to do would be to come out and correct me on this, but for some reason, he won’t. But why? Why’s he so determined to hide his not cumming? I’m trying to subtly drop hints that say, “I don’t care if you don’t cum. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. And besides, I don’t want a kid,” but he just doesn’t get it. I don’t know what the fuck’s going through his mind or why he feels he has to lie to me, but I’m still gonna keep my mouth shut. He obviously feels the need to do this, so if it makes him happy to think I think he cums, I won’t spill the beans on him just yet, although I’m sure he’ll insist he really was/is cumming all along when I do spill the beans. He’s not gonna admit he lied. He’ll make up a lame excuse for not correcting me when I make my comments about it. I know him.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 1998 Tom and I slept together yesterday and the day before. He went to bed after I was asleep, but when he went to bed today, I was already up. He woke me up yesterday, but I was about ready to get up, anyhow.

The day before yesterday, I woke up a couple of hours too early. I thought a bang of some kind woke me up, but Tom said he didn’t hear anything and that if it was a bang, it may have been a car door across the street cuz he looked and there was nothing going on next door. I don’t know. The freeloader’s door slamming doesn’t wake me up. Maybe it was a dream. I ended up going back to sleep for a couple more hours, though, cuz of my allergies. I had to take a Benadryl which knocked me back out.

At 4:00 today, I could tell the weekend had arrived, cuz our first bass thumper went thumping by. I don’t know if that bitch next door’s gonna have company tonight or not.

You know, I kind of wish she had a car. Then maybe so many people wouldn’t be in and out of here on weekends. Maybe she’d go to them for a change, but I really think there are drugs involved, too, that are coming from her house.

I really like this author Ruby Jean Jensen. In a sense, she’s better than John Saul. The only thing I don’t like is the same thing all authors do, and that is that they spend too much time getting too descriptive. She tells things we don’t need to know in order to know the story.

I’ve got conflicting vibes and info as to when Ma will die. She’ll die when she dies and I know that, but the doctor’s saying something that doesn’t go with my vibes, yet that makes sense. The doctor puts her out of here sometime next summer. I see her going shortly after she turns 77. But the summer makes sense. God would just have to off her as he did with Dad while it was so fucking hot out! There’s nothing like going to a funeral when it’s scorching hot out.

Again I’m upset with Tom for not pulling his weight around here. I mean, yes, he does his best to keep things organized in the back room which I appreciate, and I know he doesn’t always have time, and I know he’s got a lot of aches and pains at his age, and I’m glad he finally started trimming the tree out front after I’ve been trying to get him to do so for weeks, but what’s pissing me off is that he’s getting agitated about my nagging at him to do the shit that’s supposed to be his responsibility in the first place. It’s his job to do the yard work, so what’s the problem?

Although my anger towards Bill is cooling down a bit (that doesn’t mean I don’t hate the guy’s guts and that I still don’t want to kill him) and Doe, Art, and Larry are becoming more and more a thing of the past, I often find myself depressed over things that never happened. What I mean is that I could be sitting here typing as I am now, then suddenly, out of the blue, comes a vision of someone shooting Tom and myself. No, these images aren’t premonitions, but they really bother me. They’re sad, they’re scary, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. Sometimes the disturbing images involve faceless, nameless people. Other times it’s Larry. It’s usually either a lot of people or just one person with a gun, and in utter sadness, helplessness, and terror, one of us watches the other slowly get killed off, and it’s so traumatizing to even think about! I try to push these thoughts out of my head as soon as they come.

Later…

I’m frying up chicken wings now. I haven’t done this in a long time. I’m glad I decided to live and let my weight take care of itself. My days of trying to fight the way my body is naturally, are over.

Later…

Blackie’s now finishing the leftover chicken.

The more I think about it, the more I’m glad Lisa won’t be coming out here. Don’t get me wrong, though, cuz I can’t wait for her to come out on either a visit or to live here after she’s out of school, but I don’t really want her living with us for the same reason I don’t want our own kid or another adult rooming with us here. If Lisa lived here and if I were up at 2:00 in the morning wanting to sing, I couldn’t do that with her here. I also couldn’t handle the cutting any more than my mother could. Just because someone’s gone through what someone else is going through, doesn’t mean they can deal with it.

I also know how much God prefers a child to live with an abusive person, so as sick and as senseless as God’s ways are, I have to trust that there is a reason for his creating parents like Tammy. And I have to trust that he knows what he’s doing with Lisa and that he’ll look out for her, even if he didn’t look out for my nephew. As Tom said, bad can be good, cuz it’ll teach her things and make her stronger.

There goes the second stereo of the night and the night is still young. Even when it’s not, they’ll still be banging by.

Great. Just great. I forgot that I’ve got another couple of hours or so before I can have any peace around here so I better keep the fan on. The fucking dogs don’t shut up nowadays till around 9:15, and it’s always the one with the higher-pitched bark. That one barks twice as much as the other one, especially at night.

Let me go see if Joebitch is having her little cronies over tonight.

Nope. Didn’t hear any door slamming, either. That’s OK, cuz she knows she has a whole 3 days to do the company scene.

When’s MLK Day? January or February? Anyway, what did this fucking Martin Luther King do? Get things so that the blacks could go to our schools, use our bathrooms, sit wherever they want on our buses, drink out of our water fountains, then loot the buildings that they didn’t burn down, beat the snot out of innocent people, then cry racism? Way to go Martin.

Later…

I spoke with Andy last night and you know, I’m really fed up with him. I start off by saying, “Don’t get your hopes up” (about Lisa), then he butts in and says, “You’re pregnant?” How many more times do I have to tell him I’m sterile and that there is no way I can conceive? Does he not know that the sterile don’t conceive? Does he know what sterile means? Does he listen to or care to remember a damn thing I say? Or is his memory that shitty? Does he have his mind on himself or on other things when I talk?

Then he said our talks are rare. But we talk once a week. That’s not rare. Although to him, I’m sure it is. If we spoke twice a day that’d be rare for him.

I asked him if he’s serious about going back east in May and he swears he still is dead serious and that he’s going. I hope so cuz nowadays I think he’d be a better long-distance friend. If I were still into the phone and bars, then no, but I’d rather do the bulk of our keeping in touch by mail.

Most importantly, I really hope to hell that he and David work out and that this is what he wants, needs, and has been looking for all these years.

I asked Andy if he was overeating and he stuttered but then denied overeating. I could hear the guilt in his voice, though. So that’s when I suggested he try this mineral pill to help curb his appetite. He said he couldn’t afford it. Then how can he afford to pig out? Is he swiping most of this food from work? See, I think what he’s doing is this - say he’s got the money for two weeks of food. He goes out and buys it, but he eats it in just one week.

Later…

What a surprise. I was in the bathroom waxing my braces when I casually glanced in the mirror and noticed my chin didn’t double up on me with my head lowered. When I’d put my head down, even just slightly, my chin would double over, but it didn’t. It does if I put my head all the way down. It’s in some people’s nature to have more of a sloped neck than others. I’d have to be skin and bones before I’d lose the droopy neck.

It seems I’ve lost about an inch in the thighs and hips, too, but my stomach and tits are a whole different story. I’m so bloated right now. I don’t know what the hell that spot was about that I had several days ago, but I just hope I get my period soon so I can get some of this soreness and bloat off of me. I’d still be pretty big. I mean, I’m naturally 115-118 pounds these days like it or not, unless I suffer by eating just one bite a day, which I refuse to do.

As I said, I’m still gonna walk, and I’m not gonna shove a million calories of pure junk into my mouth each day, but seeing Tom’s got himself cakes and pudding without any guilt or worry encourages me to live a little more. First I was worried about weight, then eating healthy, and so to give myself a break, I stole one of his cakes, although I’m not naturally a junk food junkie to begin with. I like healthy foods more than most do. However, I envy people like Mary who can eat and eat and not give a shit about if the food’s good for them or how fat they are. Don’t get me wrong. Mary’s not huge. She’s about Evie’s height at 5’ 3” and she’s only in the 150s and not the 170s, but Mary’s never had any kids, either. Just a couple of miscarriages. Anyway, I still envy women like that and guys. They don’t give a shit how they look. They just eat whatever they want, whenever they want to. I’m on my way, though. I’m not gonna eat at McDonald’s every day like Mary does, and I wouldn’t be OK with gaining 30 pounds, but so what if I gain 10 pounds? So what if I lose 10 pounds? Get it? I’m just gonna go with the flow within reason, is what I’m saying.

It looks like we’re back to having sex on the weekends again due to things that come up or cuz of our schedules. It’s easier for us that way, I think, and it suits me better now that my appetite’s been low. Actually, once a month would suit me. Or even once every few months. I just have no desire to cum with this guy. I don’t know why, but I’m not really worried about it now. I don’t know if it’ll bother me in the future or not, but the good thing about it is, is that I know it doesn’t bother Tom. He’s happy either way and he’ll always let me be myself. He’d also never complain about my not cumming cuz he wouldn’t want me doing that to him, but trust me, I won’t.

Quitting smoking may not have helped my nose, but at least it killed my baby desires and my constant horniness. Lucky surprise for me, huh?

Here goes the fourth car stereo.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1998 I talked to Tom about my discussion with Tammy and Lisa and was very happy to hear that taking in Lisa if it came down to that, would be no problem.

I asked him if he felt that Lisa was a typical teenager and if a parent could hype things up for whatever reason, or if he thought Lisa may be worse off in any way as far as the behavior goes. He says he’d guess Lisa’s pretty typical, but that doesn’t mean Tammy’s not as frustrated as she is. Meaning, yes, Tammy’s put up with a lot. We also can’t thoroughly know just how things are from 3000 miles away.

Tom was surprised that you’re an adult at 16 there. You can drop out of school at that age, though and that was Tom’s biggest concern about Lisa. If she doesn’t finish school, she’s gonna really be lowering her options as to what she can do. She should really try to do well in school so she could maybe get some scholarship money if she wanted to go to college. Guess she’s gotta be the one to decide if she wants to drop out, stay in and do bad, stay in and do good.

Also, as Tom pointed out, Lisa’s a person and she’s gonna become an adult and do as she pleases whether or not we agree with her and we can’t always protect her. True. And constantly telling her not to call Larry may not have been a very cool idea, cuz as Tom said, sometimes telling a child not to do something more than once, can spark their curiosity all the more.

When I told him how Tammy gives her chores to help with Lisa’s self-esteem, Tom said that Lisa may not see it that way. She may see it as a punishment.

Yes, I know and understand the lack of self-esteem. Not just cuz of the shit Dureen put me through, but just God’s not allowing me to do the things I once wanted to do, makes me feel like he had no confidence in me and that sort of lowered my self-esteem. I’m very glad he sterilized me. It was the right thing to do to someone who could never handle a kid, but it’s still rubbing in the reality of my weakness and this lowers my self-esteem.

If Lisa came out here, I would want as little to do with Bill as legally possible and there’d be no way shape or form that that man could ever step foot in this house. Oh, and Tom says he feels that if Larry, Dureen or Art knew that Lisa lived with us, they wouldn’t give us any legal hassles. Well, that’d be up to them, but they’d never succeed with any spite tricks.

Tom feels that not only could I handle a kid of our own, but that due to Lisa’s age, I don’t have to worry about cooking for her. I can cook for her at times, just like I do for us, but other times, she may be just as content popping in a TV dinner just like he is. Also, she gets herself up for school and dressed and all that. She’s not an infant who needs diapers changed and who needs to be fed. True. Tom also reminded me that it’d be best not to treat her like a child, cuz as long as you treat someone like one, they’ll act it. I totally believe this is true. Dureen and Art always treated me like a child (and they still would even if I were 60) and it did seem to have a rather “childish” effect on me.

Tom also doesn’t feel that our schedules will matter.

Tom pointed out how if Lisa came out here, it’d be very hard for her to give up her friends and her familiar surroundings. I understand that. Totally. Cuz I sure as hell hated to do that, even though I hated living with Dureen and Art.

Tom feels that one of the biggest mistakes you can make with a person is to try to control them, and again, I thoroughly agree. Control freaks do no one any good. People need to be themselves. They need to have choices and that’s one of the things Dureen did to me that really made adulthood hard for me. Besides being so controlling, she’d never give me choices and ask me if I wanted to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt or what I wanted for lunch, etc. So as an adult, decision-making is very hard for me.

I asked Tom, well, what if she does come out here and make our lives hell. Tom said no one can make our lives as a couple hell. If she came out here and stole from stores, burned down houses, killed people - that’s her choice and her problem, as long as she didn’t kill us. And he advised me not to reflect my experiences on her. Yeah, I know. Just because something was rough on me, doesn’t mean it will be for her.

I tried again to get into that other word processor, that has an auto cap and correct thing, but I just couldn’t. It caps and corrects most words as you go along. Well, it caps after a period.

Haven’t seen White Paws in days, but I’m sure Tom will lure her to the door with food this long, door-slamming, ball-playing weekend. I still can’t believe the ball games haven’t started yet. What’s taking so long? It’s October already. But no one’s played yet. Not the Lopez’s kids, other neighborhood kids, or kids associated with the freeloaders themselves.

I still say leave it to God to make sure that I’m the one to get a pack of Mormons next to me, a pack of subsidized freeloaders, and a basketball hoop. Most houses don’t have hoops, but God just had to make sure that of all the houses that had a hoop, it had to be right next door to me. It just had to be!

I may not be the least bit surprised to have neighbors like the Mormons and like the freeloaders, although the Mormons were considerate of my peace in the end, but I am surprised there weren’t more turnovers. I really thought we’d go through 4-5 households before we left.

My allergies have been miserable. We went back to the AC since the cooler brings in pollen. It can’t filter it very well. The bulk of my allergy problems would end if I got rid of the animals, but sorry God, it’s not gonna happen. I’m not gonna give in, and if I must pay to have animals, fine.

I can already sense the negative vibes coming from Connecticut (not that I ever expected differently, and I’d sense any serious life changes coming up if God decided to make any) as far as Lisa’s concerned. My strong “no kids” vibe remains and like I said, taking Lisa in isn’t something God would go for any more than Bill would. Children are not a part of my life. Never have been. Never will be. Unless you want to count neighbor’s kids from back there and from here that have been a part of my life in the wrong kind of way, kids are not part of my life’s theme/destiny.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1998 Changed the mice and rat cages. I’m using all the cages and almost all but two tubes.

I have so much to write concerning Lisa and Tammy. The 3 of us spoke earlier. I’ll try to word our discussion as best I can. It’s just that there are so many different things we talked about that are kind of connected. One thing led to another.

The good news is that Tammy’s divorce is final tomorrow.

For my sister to discuss me, of all people, taking in Lisa (provided we talk with Tom and he agrees, of course) tells me just how desperate the situation there is. It’s not gonna happen, though. That much I do know. I mean I just vibe it. Unfortunately, she and Bill have joint custody, and there’s no way in hell Bill will go for it. If he told Larry, whom he’s buddy-buddy with to fuck off, he sure as hell will tell me that and much more. He thinks I’m totally crazy. Also, if legal arrangements were ever made for Lisa to live here, we’d have to really hide it from Larry, cuz he’d call the state the second he got word of it out of spite cuz he wanted her. My parents wouldn’t agree with it one bit either, and they’d call the state, too. However, if you’re like most of us, you know the state’s useless. Let them call. They can’t prove any abuse most of the time and even when they can, they don’t do shit. Yes, Tammy should legally have the kids taken away from her, but that can’t be proven. She’s smart enough to hide her shit. Someone like Paula B wouldn’t have brains enough to, though. Tammy wouldn’t hit or swear at Lisa in front of the state. Paula would.

According to Tammy, she could’ve gotten sole custody, but because Lisa’s now on her dad’s side, she can’t. She said that if Lisa filled out a form detailing his abuse, then he’d have no custody. Lisa’s wanting to be friendly with him makes no sense to me, but at the same time, it does. I can see her feeling confused. I went through that at her age. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my parents, but I didn’t want to put up with their abuse, either.

Now Tammy insists that if Lisa comes out here, she’ll walk all over us and will lie to us. What do I think about that? I just don’t know. She’s been proven to have lied to me about smoking and about calling Larry. She told me she’s only called there a couple of times in the last few months, yet according to Tammy, there are 22 calls to him on her phone bill for the month of August. I don’t know if she’s trying to reach out to Larry, to Jen, or to both, or what. All Tammy and I could do yet again, was remind Lisa that there are other Jens and Larrys out there, so if we can spare her from one more asshole, we’ll do our best, cuz she’s gonna meet enough of those throughout her lifetime, and although Jen’s a sweetheart, she’s not worth the close connection to Larry. Larry may be funny, but sooner or later, he’s gonna wimp out of being able to deal with her and he’ll dump her. I’m virtually 100% certain of this, too, and we just want to protect her. That’s all. But as Tammy said, she’s gonna do whatever she wants and in just a few months, it’ll be her legal right to do so since in Connecticut, she’s an adult at 16. In fact, Tammy’s saying that she wants her out of there on January 20th (her birthday).

On the other hand, kids don’t always behave the same way with others as they would with parents. I don’t know what to think or believe anymore, but I’m gonna keep my promise to Lisa and that’s to be there for her in any way I can for the rest of my life. I’ll do whatever I can do to help her. When I mentioned her coming out on just a vacation, she said nope, she’s not deserving of that.

She was pissed off that Lisa rang up $111 of calls to Larry and me and I don’t know why she didn’t bother calling me collect.

I wish I could get it through to her that she doesn’t have to lie to me. Telling the truth, even if I disagree with it, won’t lessen my love for her or make me dump her. She doesn’t have to tell me something I want to hear that’s not true, just to get my love and approval and all that. I’d rather her tell me 10 things I disagreed with but were true rather than one good lie.

I still think the best thing for everybody would be for her to just do as she’s told like it or not, finish school, then go wherever she wants.

I also let Tammy know that I wouldn’t make any decisions without talking to Tom first, and she understood and knows that I’ll talk to Tom, then we can all talk if need be. She’s going to find out what her legal rights are, talk to Bill, and an attorney. I didn’t tell her this, but I don’t know if Tom would be too thrilled with the idea of playing parent or guardian here and having to deal with such responsibility. Also, I question my own abilities here. She may not be an infant or a toddler, but still, how am I gonna manage a schedule for her? How will I cook and all that? I’m child-illiterate and wouldn’t always know the best things to say/do. Can I handle this kind of responsibility? Remember, God doesn’t think so. He made me sterile for a reason. I’m not seeking out help about my sterility for a reason.

I asked Tammy if she had any friends who could help and who could maybe take Lisa for a day or so when things get tough and when they really get fed up with each other to give each other a breather, but she said no.

After I advised Lisa to do all she can possibly do to avoid people who hit her or abuse her in any way, I made it clear to her that if she does come here, there’ll basically be just 3 rules, besides the general rule of doing right and being honest. Smoke outside only, since no one can stop her from doing that in the first place. Keep her room neat. And let us know what she’s up to (like if she wants to go out somewhere). As we both told her, that’s a piece of cake compared to having to work and make ends meet, pay bills, and maintain a place to live. And that if she does walk all over us, she has to go. I won’t cut her out of my life completely and I’ll still love her, but she can’t live here if she’s gonna be smoking indoors or screwing up bad.

I feel bad for Tammy, I understand her frustrations, fears, anxieties, etc., but I still think the bulk of the problem is her. I don’t know if this is typical teenage behavior, or if it is overkill like Tammy says it is, but still, Tammy’s yelling and verbal abuse aren’t helping. She calls Lisa a bitch and refers to her as a bitch, and that’s really degrading. Doesn’t she remember what it was like when Doe would degrade her and call her a fat pig? It’s OK to use swear words to express yourself, in my opinion, but it’s another to swear at someone. Couldn’t she kindly say to Lisa something like, “You know, you’re acting sort of bitchy,” or something like that? Must she constantly yell, demand, and cuss her out? And I thought it was pretty cold of her to tell her she doesn’t have a mother anymore and that she can no longer take her into her arms or heart.

Tammy was really pissed to find that Lisa smoked in her room when she was supposed to do it outside. I told Tammy that since I’m not the parent and don’t have the experience with kids that she’s got, I may not know what the hell I’m saying, but maybe she’s practicing what she preaches too much, and once again, that didn’t help us when Dureen and Art did this to us. Tammy says she smokes inside. Well, maybe she and Lisa both need to go out on the deck to smoke. She said the new smoking rule is that she’s underage, so she can’t smoke anywhere.

I feel bad for Lisa, too, regardless of what she’s lied about or done wrong, cuz I know how hard Tammy is to live with and to be around. The poor kid must’ve felt like we were totally ganging up on her and I reminded her that that’s not our intention at all. We just want to help.

I told Lisa that I didn’t mean to put her on the spot and that Tammy could tell me if it wasn’t an appropriate question, but that I wanted Lisa to think about it and be honest if she was gonna answer. I asked if she’d prefer to live there or here. Tammy said she didn’t mind my asking that. Lisa’s answer was both, cuz it’d be weird not living with her mom. That’s understandable after living with her for 15 years.

Tammy says that if she compliments Lisa for doing well, Lisa goes and does the opposite. This is the most baffling thing she told me. I don’t quite get that one. She asked Lisa while we were all talking. Lisa said she didn’t know. Then Tammy bitched that Lisa always says she doesn’t know.

Tammy bitched about Lisa getting suspended twice from school, having knives and cigarette butts all over her room, siding with Bill, talking bad about her to Mark, not doing chores, and so much more. She says Lisa’s acting like a whore, hanging on boys all the time, lying through her teeth, scaring her sisters, etc. Tammy’s not just upset about Lisa’s calling Larry because of how he’ll dump her, but because of how he called the state. And besides, I thought his cold treatment of her had already begun from what she’s told me.

What do I think? God, I just don’t know. I believe Lisa is rebellious in a lot of ways, but I wonder if it’s as bad as Tammy says it is and I wonder if Lisa would be the same way out here with us if she is as Tammy says she is. Lisa may have lied here and there, but Tammy’s notorious for lying, too. She’ll even admit that. I can never know the whole truth from this distance.

Normally I would say that if you can’t cut it in one state, you can’t cut it in another, but I don’t know about that anymore after my own personal experience. I had nothing but setbacks and hardships back east. Here, I’ve had my bad days as anyone else would, and I may have no kids or a career, but I haven’t been depressed in ages and I’ve had one success after another, and I don’t know if that’s pure coincidence. I doubt it.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1998 I’m gonna have plenty of car door slamming next weekend to make up for last weekend being on the mild side of the slamming, and God only knows what else on top of that. It’s a 3-day holiday weekend. Columbus Day. Yeah, from here on out till the New Year, we’ll be jammed with holidays, but at least I know they go elsewhere for Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is unless that changes.

I still can’t believe the after-school or weekend ball games haven’t started back up yet. It’s cooled down enough. I’ll bet that’s even why the freeloader parks on the street. To leave room for any kids who may want to use the hoop.

In much better news, I got my second porcelain doll, although the plastic ones they had were nice, too. Yes, Anne, although she has a boring name, puts Jessica to shame! She even puts the Rapunzel doll to shame, so I’m knocking her off my list. Anne’s a little taller than Jessica at 17”. She’s also got blond hair and blue eyes with a much more realistic face. She has an OK blue floral dress, which sort of reminds me of my 2nd and 40th journal covers. It’s got lace trim at the neck, wrists, and hem. There’s white from the chest to the waist with a blue satin ribbon. She has white stockings and white shoes each with a blue ribbon. She has silk pantaloons. Her fingernails aren’t painted red like Jessica’s. Her dress is much nicer than Jessica’s. She has no hat on. This is the same $40 doll that I liked the last time I was there. Best of all, her hair’s down to her knees! I guess really long hair’s the style for dolls these days cuz you’d be hard-pressed to find any with hair above the waist from what we could see. I wanted at least one with really long hair and the rest can have hair at any length as long as it’s not above the shoulders, and I don’t want boy dolls either.

This store was a nice, cozy family-owned and operated business, their dolls range from $15 to over a grand and I asked them about doll making, but it’s really no less costly than if you just buy the dolls.

I saw Patrice there, the next doll I wanted from the Ashton-Drake catalog I’ve got. Her tag even had the name of the catalog on it. She’s just as beautiful as the catalog showed at the same price of $100. So, I’ll get her from the store, rather than from the catalog, unless she’s sold by December when I’ll probably be getting her since I don’t expect to win $100 in Vegas. I didn’t know this about Patrice, but she’s on a music box stand that twirls!

Tentatively, I’ll be getting the remaining 3 I liked from the catalog, then I want to save up for my final doll, which is to be one of those big 24” or more dolls that cost $200 - $300. She’ll no doubt have very dark eyes and hair.

The Melanie doll was still there.

They also have a doll-making class and it’s about $120 to get started. As Tom pointed out, we spent more than that when we were trying out oil painting, and you couldn’t even begin to get into computers at that price. I still don’t know if I’ll ever enroll in such a thing. Besides, I’m more of a self-taught kind of girl. If I want to learn something, I usually prefer to try to figure it out for myself.

I braided Jessica’s hair for variety. Both Tom and I like her hair better braided. Guess her hair got rather dusty. I sneezed a dozen or so times doing it.

What a bummer with the number blocking. Must be my compensation for Anne, but anyway, I went to block a business number that actually showed its number, but a recording told me my list was full and that I’d have to remove a number to add this one. That sucks! I didn’t know there was a limit.

Later…

That was weird. A call just came up as anonymous and I heard what sounded like a middle-aged white woman with a Southern accent say, “Hey Vern. Hope you ain’t working this afternoon. Give me a call when you get home.”

Didn’t she hear Tom’s voice in our outgoing message and realize that wasn’t Vern’s voice?

Later…

I don’t know if I’m seeing things, or what, but I noticed muscle definition the whole length of my calves from knee to ankle, and I also noticed some along the sides of my thighs. A place where I haven’t had any muscle in years. Tom said he noticed it, too.

And now Tom’s also saying that he never recommended I bring up the issue of testing when I go for the exam. He said to get the exam done, get to know the doctor, and then make that decision. That’s not what he said earlier. I thought he said to mention it upon getting my exam. I mean, they’re gonna ask questions anyway.

Why don’t I just forget it? I mean, a child’s not meant to be whether or not I wanted one, I’m not that curious anymore as to what’s wrong, so why don’t I just get the exam, tell them the truth when they ask about birth control (I don’t need birth control or want kids), and then there’ll be nothing for us to argue/disagree on. Yes, that’s what I’ll do and it’s my final decision. It’s been a year now since I both lost interest, and got very sick of the issues of kids, answers as to why I’m sterile, and sex. Sex is another reason why it’d be foolish for me to go. They’d want to test us both and only one of us would cooperate. I will never again deal with his not cumming. That, too, is a closed chapter in my life. It’s his life and his body, so the only one that can deal with it, if he chooses to, is himself. So, consider the baby, the getting answers, the sex, a done deal, and a closed chapter in my life. From here on out, I’ll just endure the boring sex we have, and that’s it. He can go in me. He cannot go in me. He can cum. He cannot cum.

I thought of a funny, yet sadly true thing about when I was so pissed to find the doll store closed on Monday. Well, if I were black, the proper thing to have done in that case would’ve been to smash my way into the store and loot it.

I also got a kick out of how one of the women from that movie was bitching about how everything’s Vietnamese nowadays. Wrong. Everything’s pregnancy and babies these days.

Later…

Bitch next door goes to bed early - 9:00.

This cat is both just like Shadow was, and totally different. He’s just as loving as Shadow was, but he’s so well-behaved. Shadow was such a destructive cat. Into everything and anything. Not this cat, though. He doesn’t explore or get into shit. He stays pretty much by his food and water.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1998 Went to see Melanie today, who had her hair up and looked nice, but it didn’t tickle. Tom could hear me moaning from the waiting room.

I told her I quit smoking a year ago yesterday and she said to keep up the good work.

She had a bunch of colorful retainers laid out. Guess I’m gonna get one of those after these braces come off. I told her Tom guessed that these things would be off in 8 weeks, and asked if he was as delusional as I thought, or if he was about right, and she said he was delusional. They won’t be off till around March, as I vibed, but I was surprised when she told me that according to my file, my braces didn’t go on till March 10th. Really? I had thought they’d been on since February or January.

Anyway, she put some kind of a wedge in to rotate the tooth and put more pressure on it and I don’t have to go back for 4 weeks.

After leaving Melie’s we went to the doll store we liked and boy was I pissed! They’re not even open on Mondays! So maybe we’ll go tomorrow.

We did go to the paper store. I needed more white paper and I also got some sheet music stationary.

Now it looks like we won’t be going to Vegas for two weeks. I’m looking forward to flying and having fun gambling. The only bummer is, is that I know for sure I won’t win. Why? Because of the dolls I want. Whenever you really want money for something, it’s harder to get it, but if you don’t really need it for anything, in it comes.

My period’s starting today. It’s a little over a week early. Of course, I’ll spend a few days spotting before I get whatever’s left of the periods I seem to get these days, which isn’t much at all. Again, could it have anything to do with why I’m so heavy? Nah. It’s just part of age and not smoking. I’m only 20 pounds overweight, too. If I were 40 or 50, then I’d worry.

This has been the longest time I’ve been on days in over a decade. This is the first time in between appointments with Mel that my schedule hasn’t completely rotated.

Ratsy was like a guinea pig last night. I’ve never seen him this sweet and loving. Usually, rats are like mice, hamsters, and gerbils. They like to go off and explore a couch or a bed or wherever you put them. Not last night, though. Last night he sat with me like a GP and if I’d move away, he’d follow and burrow himself under my chin.

I’ve got quite a funny freeloader update, but what I’m gonna say won’t be in their excerpts, of course. Well, I killed her. Yup, I’m writing in my excerpts for them as my latest bullshit, that I beat her to death by accident. I got carried away. She came here falsely accusing me of smashing her windows so I went to kick her ass, but killed her instead. From here on out, though, her twin sister Selena will live there with the kid. Selena told me so when she came to the house threatening to have me caught, tried, convicted, and executed. Then I tell Selena - don’t come to my door again. It may kill you, too.

Later…

I watched the movie Riot about the L.A. riots of 1992, and oh my God! It was depressing, scary, and totally infuriating! If the freeloaders next door lowered my opinions of blacks, then this really threw me over the edge. I’ve never hated blacks this much. Never! I’m totally prejudiced now and with complete just cause as far as I’m concerned. These people never wanted “equal” rights. They wanted the most rights. They wanted to be number one and have everyone else be number two.

Yes, the pigs that beat the snot out of Rodney King were 100% wrong. They never should’ve gotten off, but does that give blacks an excuse to shit on society for it? On innocent people that had nothing to do with this shit? I mean, first they shit on whites, then the Asians, then Hispanics, and then they shit on themselves. Yes, you heard right. In their own fucking neighborhoods, they looted and beat and killed, etc. They beat upon their own “brothers” and “sisters.” This is really scary too, cuz I’ve got a pack of blacks just a few feet away from me. What if some similar verdict went down again like that? Cuz as soon as they didn’t get their way with something, would they go smashing up this street and looting from the houses? Would they?

Well here’s my promise to myself - if they move first and if anything happens to this house, I’ll hunt down every single one of them I can find and I’ll personally go to their doors and destroy them. I’ll destroy them! Maybe, just maybe, the freeloaders can go peacefully if they go first and let the past remain in the past, but I don’t know. It’s up to them if they want trouble again, cuz if they shit on me again, someone’s gonna shit right back on them. What goes around truly does come around, but hopefully we’re done with each other from here on out. I don’t want any more trouble than they hopefully don’t want, but like I said, I don’t know, cuz some people do like trouble. All I’m saying is that if they do anything, they’re gonna have to pay the price. Many times over.

Nonetheless, I have absolutely no empathy or pity for these freeloaders. Any shit they’ve gotten be it yesterday or today is shit they asked for and as far as I’m concerned, they have no right to be here. They should all be either shot or sent back to where they came from after you’ve weeded out the one in every million who may be a fairly decent person.

There was a funny part of this movie, believe it or not. This girl was with these two guys who were happily looting, and she was trying to get them to stop. At one store, there was this beautiful dress that the girl put on. The guy she was with urged her to take it, but she said she couldn’t do that. Then she went to reach for her own clothes, but somebody had stolen them, so she had to steal the dress if she didn’t want to run around naked.

Later…

Wow. Summer’s really dying off out there. It’s actually chilly out there right now. Tom said he could’ve used the heater when he was leaving work last night. Thanks to pushy Marjorie, though, we had to take this car that’s even shittier than his old one. He should’ve put his foot down a lot sooner than he did, but still, that’s about $40 we have to pay and all the more time Tom has to lose.

Come on, Marge, I’m getting impatient here. Let’s go now, hurry up and drop dead. I mean, what’s God keeping her around for? Like she has anything left to offer this world? Like there’s something more she has to do before she goes? Yeah, right! Her life’s over, it’s been over, so God, why not just end it and get it over with and let us get on with our lives, huh?

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1998 You could say I’m in a fine mood since it’s been one year since I quit smoking!! I’m in such shock and disbelief.

For my anniversary, Tom neatened up papers that were cluttered in the back room. This is very nice of him, but I’m afraid this is one of those many projects that he starts but won’t finish for a while. This weekend, he did venture away from the TV to do some computer work, but he mostly did his favorite - the TV.

As I knew/predicted, my oh-so-horny-all-the-time husband didn’t want extras. Neither did I. It’s just that I can be honest about it.

Andy was a pest for a while there, who as figured, didn’t mention the anniversary in his message to me for two reasons. One is because he’s too into himself these days, even if he is less insensitive, and two is because he no doubt forgot about it. About a week ago when we were talking, he did, however, mention being proud of me for it, and that was nice.

I take that back about Tom. He says he’s gonna finish the paper sorting today. Then he also said we could do the file box next weekend. Yeah, right. But whenever we do it, I’m gonna scan the papers we want to keep.

Now back to Andy. He’s such a pest at times, I swear! Is he just too stupid to remember the things I tell him? Or does he just not give a shit? He knows I don’t do weekend chats, he and I just updated each other on our lives just two days ago, yet he has to leave me this message saying nothing but that my machine kept cutting him off and that he’d be around if I wanted to call and chat later. Yeah, the machine kept cutting him off cuz every single fucking time I tried to log in to AOL, he had to call and cut me off. Of all the times this pest had to call, couldn’t it have waited till after I’d gotten online?

So I left him a message reminding him that we just talked and that I was too tied up.

In Andy’s last message to me, he was all thrilled cuz Barbara Nicks lent him $10. Well, I’m happy for him, but is he gonna always be scraping pennies? I sometimes wonder if he’ll live his life as broke as he will loveless. I hope not.

I could be totally wrong on this, but his gut that he complains about has to be coming from somewhere. It’s not just about age, so I wonder if he’s really as hungry as he makes himself out to be. I think that the real reason he’s starving so much of the time is that he’s spending whatever precious money he has left after he pays some of his bills, and buys pot and cigarettes, on food that he’s gobbling up in no time at all. If I’m right, and if he’s eating like a pig and eating his kitchen down the moment he stocks it, he is gonna be starving a lot. He claims he just has a few bites a day, but I don’t think so. His eating seems to be a regular topic in his messages and it’s no wonder that he’s bitching about not being able to eat. He doesn’t ration out his food to last him, however hard that may be. And I know how hard it can be. I went through all that shit myself. My question to God, though, is if he’s always gonna be this way. 90% of his life is just like it was when he was 27 when we reunited, which is in a sense, kind of sad.

Later…

Only one little burst of door-slamming today from the red car. Other than that, Joebitch has been good, and it just went to bed from what I can see. Any door slamming I get from over there is nothing compared to what the cock would give me. The bitch’s cronies are parked outside of the carport when they’re doing their shit, so the sound doesn’t funnel in between the block wall and their carport as much. But when that freeloader would be parked deep in the carport and deliberately slam doors really, really hard - Jesus Christ! I wanted to kill the little shit fuck.

Yesterday was binge day and I had around 2000 calories. I ate like a pig and this double chin, thick waist, big hips, thunder thighs, and bubble butt, really show it, but you know what? I just don’t care! Thank you, God, too, cuz just like I wanted for years to not give a fuck about a kid, I longed for a time when I could be carefree about my weight. Why should I worry about how I look when I’m married and healthy and not looking to be a topless dancer?

I had Tom put the scale away again so I wouldn’t be back into obsessive weighing again out of habit. I know whether I’m big or small by just looking and seeing. The scale last said 118 pounds, though.

Fifteen minutes from now at 9:15, I expect the guard dogs will have their final barking fit of the day.

Tom scanned something into the computer and into my wallpaper menu that I’ll always cherish. I picked my top favorites of the mice - Ziggy, Patch, Tanner, and one of the Cocoas, and had Tom film and capture a shot of them using the camcorder. I also did one of Velvet and Ratsy. Velvet pretty much just looks like a black blob, so I just printed out the mice and Ratsy for Tammy and the girls so they can see their different colors and markings.

Tom had White Paws in today and she was in the kitchen eating with Blackie. She ran when she saw me, cuz she knows I don’t like her. I wish he didn’t have to be so damn soft-hearted when it came to animals, cuz every time I’ve just about gotten rid of her and gotten her to fend for herself, he lures her right back here.

Our cousin Cindy Olsen called but didn’t leave a message, therefore, I don’t know what she wanted Tom to do for her and I know she wanted him to do something for her, cuz nobody calls this guy without wanting him to do something for them.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1998 I’d have a nearly perfect husband if it weren’t for his lying. First he says he blasts TVs and computer games cuz I talk over it, and now it’s cuz he’s got wax in his ears. The truth is that he wants to annoy me. It’s that obvious. Then when I asked him why he hadn’t done anything about this wax or asked for my help, his lame excuse was that I get very impatient with doing his ears, which is BS.

Weeks ago I asked him to please trim the tree/hedges out front, which I know he won’t do. So then why can’t he just admit it? Why can’t he just say he doesn’t want to do it rather than say every single fucking week that he’ll do it?

He’s still lying about cumming. I mean he hasn’t come out and said that he’s cum, but when I imply that he has, he doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t admit to not cumming. Doesn’t he know that this is what I want, though? If he’s just as content to not cum, then it’s best that he doesn’t because then there’s no need to deal with the mess it makes. I understand his reasons for not cumming - neither of us wants a kid, but I don’t understand his need to hide this from me. Or think he’s hiding the truth from me, anyway.

The closer I get to my appointment, the surer I am that I won’t be seeking out fertility testing. Not just because my curiosity’s dying, but because I’m not gonna go in there with a lying husband at my side. I may be able to get the same results I’d get if he did let them have his cum, but I’m not going in there playing games, either. I always firmly believed that if you’re gonna seek help about something, you should be as honest as you can, or else people can’t help you as well.

He’s not the only one with a problem here. It’s not that I can’t cum, it’s that it’s gotten harder for me to cum and I prefer to get off on my own. It’s easier that way. But every time we screw these days, it’s so obvious that neither of us is into it. Last night I felt like I was making love with an 80-year-old man. He huffed and puffed away having no stamina, wasn’t even fully hard, went about it as if it was a big chore, and just wasn’t one bit into it. I wish, though, that he hadn’t bothered, cuz now all that fucking irritation’s back.

Why does he have to lie so much? Why does he lie and say he’s horny all the time? We’ll have plenty of time today and tomorrow for sex. Well, not that I want sex cuz I’m hardly ever horny these days and am not afraid to admit the truth, but do you think he’s gonna initiate sex today or tomorrow? No fucking way. He wouldn’t want that. TV is his sex, so to speak.

I just wish he’d stop lying about what he really wants/likes, and I wish he’d stop saying he was gonna do things he doesn’t want or intend to do.

Later…

Lisa just called all freaked out about her ex-boyfriend. Fortunately, this dude doesn’t go to the same school as she does, but she’s worried that his brother will bring him to her house to kick her ass for “talking shit” about her. Lisa told me she told him that if she had anything to say to him, she’d say it to his face, and doesn’t want to call Tammy, saying it’s her problem. I reminded her that it’s OK to ask for help at times, although I understand one wanting to fight their own battles. She said she was sure he could hurt her. I told her that if she makes up her mind that he can, then he can. I told her not to call him, to hang up on him if he calls, and to cut him off completely if he’s gonna threaten her and behave like this, but not to think she automatically can’t defend herself if need be. She said she didn’t want to carry a knife around for the rest of her life and I told her she has two fists, so she doesn’t need to. I told her to call the cops if he showed up at the door and to stand her ground and fight back if he went after her. She’s got to stop telling herself she’s this defenseless thing or else she’ll believe it and really be defenseless.

Later…

The red car’s been in and out and so has the dark blue car. Who’s next, Joebitch?

Later…

Our little lisp bitch has done well today so far. Hardly any door slamming.

You know, I often find her looking towards the house as if hoping I’d come out. It’s like she wants to catch a glimpse of me. Obviously, she doesn’t know that I know she tried having me served, cuz if she did, wouldn’t she be a wee bit too embarrassed to face me?

I hate it when I think of things when I’m not writing on the computer and I make a mental note to write about it but then forget it.

I hope Lisa will be OK. Statistically speaking, she will be, but there are teenage girls who do get killed by their sick ex-boyfriends. Ain’t it sad to know that she and her sisters will probably never know the love that I know? Most human beings will never know the love Tom and I have for each other. Yes, there are some things I don’t like about him, as none of us are perfect, and I bitch about these things, but it’s like I’m being compensated for all the abusive, sick, assholes I was exposed to before meeting Tom.

I wonder a lot lately - why is God being so nice to me? You’d think I’d have some serious compensation vibe, but I don’t. I’m sure my luck will run out eventually, but still, why’s he being so nice? He’s blessed me with a husband like Tom, let my impossible baby dream die off, and given me peace and quiet. I’ve never felt this relaxed and happy in all my life. He let me off the cigarettes, and I finally accepted that I’ll always be between 115-120 pounds, and my one remaining dream, which is a material dream (moving), is inevitable.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1998 We went to two doll stores today. The one in Scottsdale that was supposed to be this huge, spectacular store was worse than the mall. It had mostly dollhouses and little dollhouse furniture, which was cute, but not as many dolls as we thought. They were too expensive as was the mall store, and their dolls were so dull.

The other store we went to, which was about the same size as the Scottsdale one and a little bigger than the mall one, had about a dozen nice dolls at much better prices. I saw a couple that was of average size, with nice long hair and nice dresses, for only $30 and $40. So it looks like I’m gonna get one or two from this store, then perhaps I’ll knock off the Rapunzel one from the catalog, and just get the remaining three I want to get from the catalog. I saw one of the dolls there that was listed in the catalog (not one I want). It was for the same price, too.

Another cool thing about the store with the nice $30 and $40 dolls was that it had doll parts for making your own dolls. It had painted heads with the hair attached. There were dresses, shoes, bodies, etc. Next time I’m there, I’m gonna check into this and see if it’s less costly than buying an already made-up doll.

I’m looking forward to making mice wallpaper this weekend. Our camera can’t take detailed shots of the mice. They’re just too little. The camcorder can, though. It can zoom in and get some good face shots. That way I can always have pictures of my favorites to remember, like Ziggy, and Patch with her “eye patch” which consists of a brown circle of fur over one eye.

Had a hell of a miserable memory a couple of evenings ago. It’s not like it’s something I ever forgot, but I seemed to remember it in more detail and the emotions that go with it. Thanks, Doe and Art, for the memories you’ve given me for the rest of my life. It’s not so much the memories that depress or anger me, it’s the emotions that go with the memories. It’s remembering how I felt at a particular time. Not just the events of the memory itself. It’s a really crappy thought to know that I have to live with these memories for the rest of my life since we can’t erase memories. At least I can’t, anyway. All I can do is try to divert my mind’s attention when they come and think of something more pleasant.

I’ll go ahead and write about this last one, though. It basically came to me while I was listening to music just as the sun was almost completely set. It was when I could see the basic outlines, with no color or details, of the furniture in the room. Back when I’d get in trouble at school, one of the things that bitch did was send me right to bed. As early as 3:00. Normally, my bedtime in elementary school, which was when this would happen mostly, was 8:00. What I remembered was the sheer depression and boredom that’d overcome me for hours as I’d lay there wishing and praying for the darkness to come. The darker it got, the better I’d feel, cuz then I’d know it had to be around the time I was supposed to be in bed anyway. I couldn’t see the time, though. The little square, yellow alarm clock I had wasn’t a digital clock that lit up.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1998 It’s hard to believe it’s already October! The year has been flying by. I’m glad time seems to be passing so quickly because then we can be moving soon enough. Although looking at it logically, we still have a long way to go before we’re out of here. My vibes strongly tell me we won’t be moved till at least June and that’s almost a whole year away.

The tooth is really coming down and making progress with sliding into place. Tom guesses that I’ll have these braces off in 8 weeks. I wish! I doubt that, though. I think they’ll be on till February or March.

Kim’s still having it rough with the medical end of things. She has to have more tissue from her cervix removed. She just started this new natural mineral pill, too, but it’s supposed to be for making tits bigger. She said it works well and that as an added side effect, it causes hair and nail growth to speed up. Well, my hair is to my lower ass, so I don’t need that. She can have my tits, I told her. I hate how mine has grown. Kim was all psyched about feeling her tits move when she walks. I hate that. That’s totally uncomfortable for me. I hate how they squish together, too, when I’m lying on my side.

Woke up at 114 pounds. The water pill I took yesterday took off 4 pounds of water. Naturally, I’m stuck, as I tend to be after taking one of those, and before my period. I had been doing really well there for a while, too, with the shitting.

Tom’s home now, and if Evie knows what she’s talking about, then he’ll be telling me that Mary had a rough time with her surgery.

Later…

Tom crashed a little while ago, so he can be well-rested for going to the doll store tomorrow.

Mary’s doctor lied to her, from what I was told. He told her that the procedure would be painless, but that was not the case. She’s in a lot of pain. Hopefully, she’ll be on the mend soon enough. She liked the card I gave her, and they all liked the picture booklet I made up.

We switched to the cooler today and it’s nice to have the fresh air in here, even if Phoenix has become polluted. Helps get some of the pet smells out. It’s a bit more humid in here now, but not like it’d be if it were either humid outside, very hot, or both. It’s only to be 92º today. According to the weather line, it’ll only be 88º next Monday.

Later…

Looks like Ratsy here has finally decided to nap inside his nest. That’s nice. The more I see it, though, I think the log’s too low for him. The mice would appreciate the log and nest a hell of a lot more, but it’s nice to see he finally gave it a try.

From 4:00 to an hour ago, I ended up napping. Hopefully, it won’t throw my schedule off of going out tomorrow. It shouldn’t, though. At midnight, I’ll take a couple of Benadryl. Then all I have to worry about is making it to my Monday appointment, which should be easy enough.

I just got up to let Blackie in. I knew he’d be hungry. He hasn’t eaten in many hours. Still no sign of White Paws. This has got to be the longest stretch of time that’s passed without my seeing her, but she’ll be back. What truly is amazing, though, is the fact that I haven’t seen Mama Cat in ages! You’d think she’d still come around every once and a while to check for food here, but nope. Makes me wonder if she’s still alive.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being an Avenger who can talk to animals

Avengers x reader

warnings: spiders, snakes, frogs, other crawly things. its a ton of animals.

a/n: antonio from encanto type beat

prompt:

you were actually a lot more useful than you seemed

specialties included scaring, infiltrating, and poisoning enemies without giving yourself away

because nature is usually uncontrollable

but you get teased by the avengers a ton

“hey, we’ve got our own disney princess on the team!” -clint

“clint, that was very offensive and you will have an uninvited guest in your bed tonight” -you

creatures always listen to what you ask of them, you can be very persuasive

and you treat them very kindly, too

this includes feeding them

birds, squirrels, strays, you name them, you feed them

“y/n, can you answer a question for me?” -tony

“sure..?” -you

“how did i rack up $1,000 in charges from petsmart?” -tony

“i have no idea” -you, side eyeing the window at a group of birds waiting for you “not now!”

always being excited to go out and meet new “friends”

“oh, hello! thank you, that’s so sweet!” -you, petting a dog that just complimented you

“are we completely sure that y/n isn’t just crazy?” -natasha

“i…no” -steve

missions anywhere were no problem for you

in the city? swarm your enemy with pigeons and squirrels. over water? shark infestation guaranteed. forested area? call in the big dogs.

“half of you are named after animals and, i’m not gonna lie to you, they aren’t all happy!” -you

*natasha, sam, clint, peter, scott, t’challa all peering at each other*

“are the spiders cool with me?” -peter, raising his hand

“sorry, they said you were an imposter. you don’t have eight legs. that goes for you, too, nat” -you

“what about us birds?” -sam

“the falcons are cool with you, sam. clint, the hawks think it’s lame you can’t fly” -you

“oh, yeah? well, i just have their eyes. maybe they should use their tiny brains to figure that out” -clint

“i’ll let them know you said that” -you

“and me?” -scott

“oh, yeah, don’t worry, scott. you hang out with the ants, they love you” -you

“yesss” -scott

“i suppose it is my turn?” -t’challa

“i’ve actually never met a black panther before, which really sucks, but the cats i’ve met think you’re pretty neat” -you

“i’ll take it” -t’challa

sending snakes inside top secret areas to scare off people, or bite them if you come across a dangerous friend

“you did very good, my friend! thank you for your help!” -you

“is it a bad time to mention i really don’t like snakes?” -bruce

“he says if you’re a friend of mine, you’re a friend of his. you’re safe!” -you

introducing natasha to a real black widow

“say ‘hi’ to your namesake! she’s going to be helping us today” -you

“two widows on one mission, huh? do you happen to be from the red room?” -natasha, giving in

<3 your little friend biting so many goddamn bad guys

ur like a proud parent to all these animals

“so, what is it like talking to animals?” -thor

“oh, it’s great! nothing like talking to humans, not at all. and i love meeting new species, they all have something interesting to say!” -you

“i shall have to take you to another realm one day, you’d love to meet the creatures i have, they’re much different than you would see on midgard!” -thor

tony offering to take you to the zoo

which you explained that if he ever took you to the zoo, he’d have to deal with the repercussions of a mass breakout that would coincidentally happen while you are there

“y/n! y/n, i have a question for the spiders!” -peter

“uhh, okay. do you have your own spider or do i have to find one? cuz that’s extra” -you

“shit—uh, no. i don’t have one” -peter

“okay,” -you, grabbing a spider off the floor “shoot”

“right, okay. uh. hi mister—or miss spider? i wanted to know if you think i’ll be affected by bug spray more than a normal human would? will i die?” -peter

“she says that’s a stupid question. and spider’s don’t like peppermint either, it makes them sick” -you (thru miss spider)

“that’s why i can’t eat candy canes anymore!” -peter

forbidding anyone in the avengers compound from killing any insects or animals

“oh, shit! y/n? Y/NNN?!?!” -sam seeing a spider in his bathroom

“yeah? oh, hi.” -you, picking it up “he says ‘thanks for not killing me’”

“yeah…no problem” -sam

infodumping all the facts you know about animals

to anyone who would listen

anyone

“hey, wanda! wanda, wanna hear about frogs. i have a lot to say about frogs!” -you

“uh, sorry, y/n, i have to go do something. im sure thor would love to hear about frogs” -wanda

“did someone say frogs?!” -thor

“yes!!!” -you

sneaking animals in your room

which tony is not a fan of

or so he says

“what do you got there, tony?” -nat

“y/n’s friends” -tony, holding 2 kittens, a third standing on his shoulder and licking his face

“they’re cute” -nat

“i guess” -tony

you frantically looking for them

and finding tony sleeping on the couch with all of them

“tony? can i have the kittens back” -you

“please, take them” -tony

“they say thank you for the pets. and you smell like meat” -you

freaking people out when you walk around with snakes wrapped around you or something

“don’t worry, they’re harmless…to me” -you

“y/n? can you, uh, find me a nice dog for my kids? they’ve been bugging me nonstop for one” -clint

“give me half an hour” -you

when you met rocket raccoon, you lost it

“oh, my god, you guys can hear him, too?!” -you

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartlizzie07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @johnmurphyisqueer // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @canarypoint // @zoeyserpentluck // @randomawesomeperson102 // @brutal-out-here // @wonderful-writer // @of-a-chaotic-mind // @resplendentlady // @procrastinatingsapphictrash // @lxncelot // @swanimagines // @randomfandomimagine // @petersgroupie // @dindjarinsspouse // @werewolf-himbo // @lost-fantasy // @moobrvoobl-moobmoob-oobmpoobroom // @summersimmerus // @cipheress-to-k-pop // @augustvandyne // @spoodermans // @the-did-i-ask // @glxwingrxse // @scarthefangirl // @cyanide-mustard // @druigmybelovedone // @beth-gallagher22 // @bad4amficideas // @magnificentzombiebasement // @sheridans-dynamos // @seraphinevalentine // @happypixy380 // @simsrecs // @prettysbliss // @pogueslandia // @xoxobabydolls // @ruvaakke // @wild-rose-35 //

[afriendlyblackhottie]

Family Man

Summary: takes place thirteen years after Fuck Boy

Pairings: Chris Evans x black!reader

Warnings: minors dni, smut, a little bit of daddy kink, breeding kink, swearing, if I forget any just tell me cuz I can’t remember

(A/N: @thefallensoldier fucking finally. There’s probably a bunch of mistakes but I’ve been trying to write this story for too long to care. It’s done. I’m free. Yaaaaaaaay. This was a journey. Like follow and reblog with a comment 💜 ✌🏾)

———-—————-—-—————-———

“Hi.”

It had been years since you’d heard that voice in person. Since he went all Hollywood and went MIA. Of course he had the worst timing in the world.

God you remember how hard you cried at first. Told yourself to just not fucking care. That you could figure it out all on your own. And you did. Of course you did. Not that you ever had a choice.

Back then you admit it felt like the guilt would eat you alive. That if you’d just tried harder maybe you could have found him. Especially after the first few years when she wouldn’t stop asking about him. And every time it hurt to give her whatever excuse. Made you feel like shit to be honest.

Really, though? You just didn’t know what you were to say. Hell you didn’t even know if it was your fault or his. Just knew that if he wanted to see you he would have. Clearly he didn’t want to.

Except it became bigger than the both of you. It wasn’t just you that you had to worry about. Romantically, a broken heart can be mended, but no one could ever replace a dad. Not even you.

That didn’t mean you didn’t try to be everything you could. Still it didn’t stop her from asking for so long. And it didn’t stop you from crying yourself to sleep because you had no idea what to say. There was only so much you could do.

You’d never forget the night the two of you finally hooked up. How he knew how to do you just right after pissing you off so much you wanted tell him to fuck off.

Instead he came in you and you hadn’t even realized he hadn’t put on a condom. Had been so caught up in the moment you gave him more of you than you should have. And you’d just switched birth control.

You remember coming out of that room with shaky legs. Pissed as hell. Heather screaming and crying. Threatening to fuck you up. Chris telling her to back off once again. The two of them getting distracted in their own argument.

But it didn’t matter. You were gone. Told your cousin to give you a ride home and got outta there. Didn’t want to stick around for anymore bullshit.

Chris had stopped by your apartment after. Even brought you food like a bribe. Couldn’t stop apologizing for Heather and for everything. Saying he’d get you a Plan B or whatever in the morning but that for now he just wanted to say sorry.

Ugh you wish you hadn’t let him in, but you did. Only for you to fuck again as if you didn’t just make that mistake. It had just been so hard to resist him when he was standing in your face with those puppy dog eyes like he’d chosen you. God you’d been so stupid.

The last time you saw him he was hanging with her. She was hugging him all close. You were in denial about the morning sickness so it was particularly shitty.

It wasn’t like you didn’t try to tell him, but he’d gotten busy after that. He’d left you a note through Derrick saying he wanted to talk to you but that he hadn’t been able to reach you. Then when you tried to call him it was like nothing happened.

Was it bad to admit that you’d given up? Well, you had. You had other things to focus your attention on. If he couldn’t stick around, that didn’t mean you wouldn’t. One of you had to.

Sure it hurt seeing him on billboards and TV. Seeing all those movies come out. The tabloids. Who he was dating the hottest topic at any given time.

You admit you’d gone through a bitter phase. It became hard to want to even want to date after him and he was out there doing whatever he wanted. Ugh. That wasn’t exactly one of your finer moments in life.

You knew Heather blamed you for them not working out. Maybe she was right. You never admitted that you wanted to be with Chris, but from one woman that had been hung up on him to the other, it was pretty obvious.

You hated that she still came around, but she was still friends with some of the people you still hung with. The worst part was she’d cozied up to your ex best friend. Like they were in some weird ‘We hate Y/N’ fan club. Then again after this long maybe they realized they were meant for each other. Who knew.

You know they’d been happy as hell that he’d left you just like he’d done to them. If they couldn’t have him neither could you sort of deal. Wonder what they’d think if they knew he was standing right in front of you. Beside her.

“Chris, I- what… what are you-,” you stuttered out, looking between the both of them. Trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.

Right before this Lia had been all in your face. Trying to tell you something, but there was just so much going on. Every few minutes it felt like someone was interrupting you. Work was just hectic.

“Uncle Derrick helped me call him,” she blurted out.

“Can we talk?” He asked.

Not like you had much of a choice.

Honestly you’d dreamed about this moment too many times. What you’d even say to him. Now that he was sitting right in front of you, you didn’t even know where to start.

You kind of felt like you might throw up. Hell you felt like that back then too. Has gone over what you wanted to say to him a trillion times. Each time growing with age. Yet you couldn’t remember shit right now.

It was always supposed to be that you’d be the one to do this. Every single time you’d practiced it in the mirror and nothing would could out. Him and Lia chatting in front of you like old friends. As if nothing was out of the ordinary. As if he’d been around this whole time. While there was this pit in your stomach that felt like it’d been there this whole time.

It was annoying how good he looked. Not that you didn’t know that he still looked good. Not like you could totally avoid him. Especially when Lia got into her Marvel phase. God that had been fucking rough.

She was obsessed too. Especially with Captain America. Just about how cool he looked and something about a Bucky Barnes. You’d watched everything a million times and yet you just tried not to focus.

When you say you didn’t know what happened you meant it. One minute everything was cool and the next… he was just… gone. And it felt like it hurt more to keep trying. So you just told yourself maybe she was older.

Well, she was older. Internet had made everything too accessible because here was your thirteen year old beside her father that you hadn’t seen since… fuck it just…

“Mommy?” Lia said, getting up so she could sit beside you.

“Hey.” Chris reached forward grabbing your hand so you could rest it on the table under his. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry I’m just…”

“No it’s okay,” Chris replied with a sigh. “Well, it’s not okay, but I know you didn’t do anything on purpose.”

“Yeah you’re the one that went all Hollywood on me.” You chuckled and sniffled.

“I know.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Ugh you’d wanted to kill Derrick when he started showing her those movies. It felt better not to freak the hell out so you didn’t. He’d been all ohhh your uncle’s friend is in this movie and from their her obsession seemed to grow. It was actual fucking torture.

Your ex best friend and baby daddy up there on screen looking hotter and hotter with age. Millions of women probably drooling over him. Mind flashing back to that night everything had changed. The product of that night cheering when he picked up Thor’s hammer. God.

You’d think it would be easier to get hold of a celebrity but you’d be wrong. He was pretty fucking guarded. Insanely private for one thing not that you blamed him. You’d even tried to reach out to Scott once and… you do not know what the fuck had been happening. So you fucking gave up.

Now Chris was sitting in front of you for the first time since you’d made her. Your lip quivering because you couldn’t fucking help it. Then you went to hug her feeling like you needed to.

“I’m sorry,” you squeaked out.

“I know, Mom.”

“I love you, Baby, okay? No matter what.”

“I love you, too. Forever and ever.”

You laughed before kissing her forehead. “Forever and ever.”

“One blueberry muffin for, Lia.” Ryan setting down the plate. “And can I get you anything?”

“No I’m good,” he answered. “Do I know you from somewhere?” He asked.

“Um, no. I don’t believe so,” she replied with a smile. “Your name was?”

“Chris,” he replied. “I’m Lia’s dad actually.”

“O-oh,” she stuttered out. “Wow. Nice to meet you, I better get back to the back… cookies aren’t going to bake themselves.”

Chris waited for her to fully walk away before opening his mouth again.“Actually if it’s okay, do you think we could go somewhere else soon?” He asked you. “Somewhere more… private?”

“Yeah. Okay. Just let me finish up here? I’ll be off soon.”

“Yeah of course.” He sighed. “Besides I can talk to Lia.”

Lia was all smiles beside you at the thought. You were freaking the hell out internally for everything that was happening all at once. That he was there with her. Had met her. Fuck you were going to kill Derrick for not giving you a heads up. Monica too.

You couldn’t stop looking over them. They both had that same goofy ass smile. Both picking of that muffin. Acting like they’d been doing this for forever. All you could do was wish that they had.

“Everything okay?” Ryan asked. Wiping her hands down the front of her apron.

You let out a sigh before chuckling. “Yeah… I think so.”

If you were being honest you were more than happy to have him back.

———-—————-—-—————-———

Chris was more than happy to stick around. Had honestly been glad when Akylia had gotten in contact. Sure he was a little mad that he’d missed out on so much time, but he had a feeling you hadn’t done it on purpose. And while he had a vague idea of what could have possible happened, right now they weren’t his focus.

He’d never forget the look on your face when you saw him again. This fear that had flashed in your eyes. Like you were afraid he’d yell at you at any moment.

Sure he could have been mad that you’d kept his daughter from him for all those years, but back then he’d known you better.

Apparently Derrick had accidentally let it slip to her about him. Not that you’d told anyone who Lia’s dad was officially. It was more like he’d put two and two together considering the way things had ended and the way it seemed like the two of you had been in a weird game of phone tag. At some point you’d stopped responding all together.

Fuck he hated it. That you thought he didn’t want you. That he’d ever be the kind of man to skip out on his kid. Chris Evans was a lot of things, but a fucking deadbeat wasn’t one of them. So while he could be mad that he’d missed out on so much, he wanted to just be there now. It wasn’t too late. For any of it.

So he put in the work. Got to know her. And by extension you again. Quickly realized that the part of your relationship neither of you got to explore before was something he was still curious about.

He also had to come to the quick realization that he couldn’t let some peoples opinions get in the way of things. This was between you, Lia, and him. Sure Derrick and Monica were family so he didn’t mind but there was a certain other someone that seemed to keep the negativity at full force.

He was glad you’d had a friend like Ryan to get you through all these years. That wasn’t his problem at all. She was a single mother just like you. She knew what it was like to do it alone. And he wasn’t the type of guy to tell you who you could be friends with.

Besides you seemed to have fun running the bakery together. Had said you’d just decided to try it out after you’d had Lia and had fallen in love. He was happy you had an outlet. And a friend to go with it. But she needed to butt the fuck out.

Chris tried not to think about it to much. Didn’t want the same kind of problems that held you two back before to start up again. It wasn’t worth it then and it damn sure wouldn’t be worth it now. Not when he finally had gotten the three of you into a really good space. Had really tried to position himself as the head of the family. If you could step up the way you did all these years he knew he could do the same.

Not to mention motherhood looked good on you. Even if you were raising a pre-teen. He was happy that out of every woman, it was you. He didn’t mind making shit up to you at all.

Sure you smacked him when he surprised you with a new car, but what was he supposed to do. Keep letting you drive around his daughter in a piece of shit when he had more than enough to give the two of you. It didn’t matter that you kept going, “Its a 2015!”

To which he replied. “Yeah and it’s not 2015 anymore.”

Even as you swore up and down that it wasn’t that bad he didn’t care. He wanted to give the two of you the best. He knew you’d been struggling and with him around why would you. Hell he was even trying to get you two to move into his place, even though you were being stubborn about it. Dodger would have loved if the two of you never left.

You tried to say you didn’t want him for his money, but he just didn’t care. After all these years of missing out he had a lot of shit to make up for. If it meant paying your rent, he was more than fine with that.

Even when you had to sit him down to tell him to stop spending so much money on whatever Akylia wanted, he just couldn’t. What else was he supposed to do. He had every plan to spoil the both of you. Take you to see the world. And it was the first birthday of hers that he’d be there. He wanted to make it great.

Except maybe you were right that a thirteen-year-old didn’t need this kind of power. A credit card what the fuck was he thinking. It wasn’t that he was mad. He could take care of it, but okay maybe you were right. He couldn’t just keep throwing money at the two of you to make up for things. The three of you needed to become a real family.

Chris admitted he’d always fantasized about the whole wife and kids thing. Even when he didn’t think it could ever happen. Had figured maybe all of that was out of the cards for him. Just didn’t think he could find the right woman. Turned out he already had. Even if you were trying to play hard to get.

Chris knew you wanted him. Even though you wouldn’t say it out loud. Kept using Lia as an excuse whenever he tried anything. Saying that you didn’t want her to walk in again. The one time you did give him a little taste she’d almost saw you. That’s when you told him the two of you had to be more careful, but he was fucking tired of it. He wanted this. He wanted you. He wanted to be a real family.

Wanted to come home to you and her. Kiss you when he walked in the door. Have her tell him all about his day all excited. Maybe even get a few more running around. God the way he would make sure everything was exactly how it should have been. The things Lia had to deal with growing up would never happen again.

Sure he wanted to be totally mad that she’d maxed out his card, but as he talked to her it all just became so real. This was the first big thing he had to parent about. That it doesn’t matter what assholes tell you, flexing your money to make shitty little kids stop being shitty little assholes won’t change anything.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” she whimpered as he hugged her. Rocking her back and forth in his arms. Honestly he was happy you let him do this alone.

“I know, Lia, but you’re grounded.”

She groaned into his chest. “But can’t I just-,”

“Nope,” he said. “I love you, Kiddo.”

“I love you, too.” She sniffled.

And with that he placed a kiss on the top of her head. It didn’t matter that she was in trouble. He still wanted her to know that.

Afterwards he left her to flop down on her bed. Figured that it was better to give her some space now. He’d set up a room for both of you at his place. Hell he was still trying to convince you to just move in, but you wanted her to at least finish out her last year of middle school before making a decision.

He knew it was hard for Lia growing up without him. Sure they hung out with you all the time, but there were times you’d given the both of them space to hang out without you. Told him about all the bullshit that came with all the judgment of him not being there. Now that he was it didn’t stop the assholes from being assholes.

He knew she was trying to prove something to those kids. He hated that she thought she needed to. That’s why he wanted to give her a chance to start over, but the both of you insisted it was better to wade it out. He was just trying to go along with what the two of you thought was best, but if he wanted to be the head of this household maybe he needed to put his foot down.

You were still sitting in the living room waiting for him. Told you he wanted to go talk to her but that he’d be back. He was just happy you hadn’t moved from your spot. As far as he was concerned you were in trouble too. If he had it his way he’d tear your ass up right now. Hell he might just have to have it his way.

“Hey,” he said as he sat beside you.

“Hey. How was she?” You asked softly.

“Good.” He sighed. “Is parenting always this hard?”

You chuckled. “Kind of, but I’ve never had to worry about anything like this.”

Chris let out another breath, leaning back. He was happy you were so comfortable here. Had already gotten into the habit of stealing his t-shirts. Hell the both of you had. Lia had even stolen one of his hats to wear to school. You were lucky he thought you looked good like this. Fuck. You needed to stop messing with him.

“You did good, Chris,” you reassured him. Patting his thigh.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t made a move since all of this had been going on. Of course he had. If it was up to him you would have been under him already. You had to know what you were doing.

“You think so?” He asked.

“Mhm,” you hummed. “I know the whole discipline game is hard, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.”

He chuckled. “Tell me about it. I just… I know things would be easier if maybe you and I… it would make me feel better if you two were here permanently.”

This time it was your turn to sigh. “Chris, we’ve talked about this. I don’t wanna confuse her.”

“We wouldn’t be,” he replied. “You could stay in your room. I can stay in mine.”

You raised an eyebrow. “You’re full of it. You and I know you’d try something.”

That’s when he shrugged. “I mean… would that be so bad?”

“It’s not that,” was your answer. “It’s just… I don’t think I can handle us messing around under the same roof.”

“Who said anything about just messing around? You know I’d want more than that.”

You shrugged. “Well, if you were serious you’d wanna take it slow.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. Almost feeling taken aback. “And we haven’t been? You act like we don’t spend a lot of time together.”

“Yeah. For Lia. If you wanted to be with me. You’d ask me out on a date or something. Not just assume that cuz you’re my baby daddy that I’d jump back on your dick.”

Okay. Fine. Fair.

Chris wanted to take care of you. For him that was a no brainer. Even if it just happened he’d take it seriously. Hell maybe even try for another. It wasn’t like he didn’t want this to be a real relationship.

So while he knew his intentions, you were still unsure. As bad as he wanted to throw you over his shoulder like a caveman a manhandle you like he’d done that first time, he got that things were really different now. And if you weren’t going to make it easy then he’d just have to go along with it.

“Okay… well… why don’t me and you go out. Just the two of us.”

“Like a date?” You asked suddenly feeling all meek.

“Yeah… like… like a date.” He couldn’t help it as he smiled. Biting his lip. Fuck. To be honest, he should have done this shit a long time ago.

Things had just been messy back then. Between his ex and her being your friend and then your argument. It was by accident that the two of you had become so close.

He remembered when you couldn’t stand him. How every word he said would be met with an eye roll. Fuck he used to think you were so annoying.

She’d told him the worst things about you. He didn’t even see why you were friends. As if you were the one that made her do all the shit she did. He admits he fucked around towards the end, but it was the fucking end. He had stopped fucking caring. So what after all the games she played.

Then when he got to know you without her he saw just how full of shit that she was. That you were a sweet girl who fuck he really should have treated better.

Not that he was a total dick the whole time. Hell if anything he thought he treated you pretty fucking well. Sure he didn’t call them dates but he’d take you to dinner and just out. If you made a comment about trying to try some place new he took you. He liked hanging with you.

He got why Heather was jealous. Sure they’d fucked around a few times, but he meant it when he said they weren’t a couple. Besides he’d been feeling you and then seeing you with that dick head then seeing you argue with her. He had to get you outta there. Didn’t want you popping off on her. She wasn’t worth getting into trouble over.

How he still never really knew what the fuck even happened. How he’d called you and called with no answer. That every time he asked about you to Derrick you’d just stopped wanting to talk to him. Sure he knew now it was because you found out you were pregnant and had gotten scared, but still. It wasn’t like you to just not talk to him.

The both of you had already sat down and talked about all this shit. That was the thing. Both of you wanting to lay it all out as the both of you dodged the one thing that had been on his mind for so fucking long.

The sex.

He’d never been able to stop thinking about it. Even as the years went by. His mind would wander back to it. Whenever he was alone. Being unable to stop himself from missing you. Mad he’d only had you once.

Maybe it was that he never thought he’d get the chance again. But fuck Chris had been craving you bad. Maybe because he knew how fake you were. He wonder if anyone else knew what a little freak you were. Fuck he hoped not. He knew you hadn’t dated much and he admits it made him feel a like cocky.

Sure he’d heard about it because of his ex but that had just been talk between girls. That she had no business telling him. Everything just always felt so judgy with her. It just got so annoying. He admits though it had made him curious.

So when it all turned out to be true, it was like fuck he couldn’t believe he only had it once. Just everything about it. Where the fuck was he gonna find a woman that let him do all of that again. Like that.

He honestly wondered what else you were hiding under all that cuteness. Even now. When he looked at you it was what he thought. Just thought you were so fucking… just cute. Like he wanted to keep you in his pocket. Hell you ran a bakery. Could you be any more adorable.

But then there was this… sexy side. That he wanted to be the only one to have access to. He loved that there were two sides of you. Hated that you thought you could trust her with such a thing only for her to totally disregard your feelings and tell him.

He didn’t mean to throw it in your face but fuck you’d just looked so fucking hot all angry over him. He couldn’t help it. After that trip to horror nights he really doesn’t see how he’d be able to resist. Got the hint that it was true by the way you were letting him touch all on you in the dark.

Then he had to deal with Heather getting so in her feelings. And he wasn’t a total asshole. He wanted to let her down gently if anything. Then she showed up on Halloween following him around like a puppy and dressed up like an Angel.

But he was the devil and you were his cheerleader. Drove him crazy. Whatever happened that night he knew it would have ended with his dick stuffed in you. Maybe he was happy drama had to ensue first so he could let your guard down. Put what he knew out on the table. You couldn’t resist that. And you didn’t.

And he wanted another taste. If taking you out on a dates and doing things your way was the way to get it, so be it.

“That’s all?” He asked, sighing in relief. “You want me to take you out on a date?”

You shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Well, okay. Y/N, will you go on a date with me?”

You bit your lip and nodded as he honestly wanted to melt a little. See. That’s what he meant. Those pretty eyes looking up at him. Acting all coy.

Chris chuckled. “You free tomorrow night?”

“I think I can fit you into my schedule,” you said.

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop the smile on his face. “Yeah you better.”

“Or what?”

“Or…” he said scooting a little closer to you, “I throw you over my shoulder and just take you to my room now.” He shrugged.

“Nice try,” you replied. “But, that won’t work on me this time.”

“Don’t worry, Baby. We’re gonna do everything right this time, okay?” He finally wrapped an arm around your shoulders needing to hold you tight.

“Okay,” you replied, resting your head on his chest. “I’m trusting you, Chris.”

“Good. I’m glad,” he mumbled into your hair. Feeling more content then he’d felt in forever. Yeah he wasn’t going anywhere.

———-—————-—-—————-———

You know when it’s like everything just ends up going for the worst?

Honestly Chris couldn’t fucking believe this shit. Had even managed to hide that the two of you were going out to Lia by asking Derrick and Monica to have her go out with their daughter to a movie or something. Yeah she was technically on punishment, but he just needed to do this. And it wasn’t like they didn’t hang out all the time.

And it was like nothing was going right.

First he got caught up with a fan who wouldn’t take the hint. And he didn’t want to be an asshole. And it’s not like you wanted him to be one either.

Then the restaurant everyone had been recommending to him was awful. Sure he was a celebrity so if he thought it was crappy he wondered how everyone else didn’t think so.

Then Ryan had kept calling to ask if you could stop by the bakery to grab something for something. Not understand that you were on a date. God. He swore he knew her from somewhere even though he couldn’t place it. And to be honest he’d just needed to vent about it.

“Man that’s rough,” Derrick laughed leaning back.

He’d just gone over all the ways he’d screwed up that night. You in the kitchen helping out Monica. Trying to get everything ready for their daughter’s birthday.

Chris was happy that even when he wasn’t around Derrick was. That he was even the one to help Lia reach out to him finally. If there was any other man he was fine with being her father figure, it was him.

“I know,” Chris groaned. He’d at least gotten the chance to come back a little from it. Things were all lost.

“Why don’t we just go get burger?” You’d suggested with a shrug.

Chris sighed and nodded from the driver’s seat. You’d gotten so pretty for him and this was hot tonight was going to go. “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“It’s okay,” you replied. “I’m still having a good time.”

“Really?” He asked looking over at you.

“Of course. Actually I kinda missed hanging out with you.”

“I missed hanging with you, too.”

So yeah he’d kind of turned it around, but shit it wasn’t like that was how he wanted the night to go. If you weren’t going to make things easy then he couldn’t afford to mess up.

“Man, you know she doesn’t care,” Derrick said. “She wants you guys to work out.”

“She tell you that?” He sighed.

“No, but you two aren’t exactly subtle about it. Not like you guys weren’t obvious as hell back then.” He laughed.

Yeah he remembers Derrick getting on him about it then, too. Asking what was up. Telling him to go for it. And he was going to. Especially when he saw that the two of you had matched. How fucking perfect. God you looked so hot just taking it with that fucking skirt on too.

But fuck things would have been so much different if Heather hadn’t showed up.

Whatever who cares that was then and this is now. And his daughter was coming over to him to rest her head on his shoulder. “Daaaaaad,” she started in a sing song voice.

“No,” he said with a chuckle.

She tsk’d before lifting herself off of him. “You don’t even know what I was gonna say!”

“I know that your still grounded. We should have left you at home to eat baked beans and count your days.”

“Ha ha.” She rolled her eyes. “Auntie Monica wanted to know if I could go watch a movie with her and Kay after. Can I?”

“Did you ask your mom?”

“She told me to ask you. She said she’s spent thirteen years making every decision and now it’s your turn.”

Chris chuckled before glancing over at you with a glass of wine in hand smirking over at him. Shit. What the hell was this about. Okay maybe he wasn’t totally out of there.

When some other old friends had asked for you to come to this barbecue, he was happy you’d wanted to show up together as a family after all that. Not like it hadn’t been like this but it was kind of reassuring. His anxiety had been a little on the edge over you lately and it calmed him down a little that you were over there making eyes at him.

“Yeah, sure,” he’d answered glancing from back and forth.

Hell he was still kicking himself for not kissing you that night. Just hugged you and told you he’d see you later. God why was he being so fucking weird.

You probably thought you were so cute using that ask your father shit. And it kind of was. Shit. He kind of liked it. You deflecting decisions to him. Damn maybe things weren’t as hopeless as they felt that night. Derrick was probably right.

Then he watched as your face changed. A wider smile already across your face. Looking right passed him as you nudged Monica to get her attention and whispering something in her ear. Ryan rolling her eyes in his direction.

“Thanks, Dad,” Lia squealed before throwing her arms around him in a hug. He turned her around so he could see you doing the same with that guy. Him pulling you all close and shit. Trying to steal his move.

When the two pulled away he smiled down at Lia and then trailed his eyes back to you. Seeing whoever the fuck still hugging you. Touching you. No one else should be allowed to do that.

“Hey, Lia!” He called only for Lia to turn around.

“Hey, Eddie,” she said through gritted teeth. Lia walked over to them and Chris glanced over at Derrick who was laughing.

“Who the hell is that?”

“You don’t remember Eddie?” He replied.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “No.”

Derrick t’sked. “Come on, Man. Eddie.”

“Saying his name again won’t make it suddenly come to me,” Chris huffed.

He shrugged, standing up so he could head over. “Yeah, well looks like he still has a crush on your girl.”

Yeah he kind of caught that. Chris sighed before realizing why was he standing all the way over there. Eddie was probably just a friend anyway.

“Chris, hey. What are you doing here?” Eddie asked as Chris made a big show out of wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

“Just here with the family,” he said.

Why the hell couldn’t he remember this guy as the two of you chatted. He went on about having not seen Lia since she was little and that pissed him off because he hadn’t even gotten a chance to see her when she was little. But here he comes stepping all up to you like he had any right while he was right there.

The two of you talked like old friends even though you were keeping close. He was happy you hadn’t even shrugged off his arm. Letting it lay across your shoulder. That’s right. He was your man. Maybe not officially but he was working on it.

Eddie was definitely into you, but you were a little harder to read. Yeah you let him keep you close but then again it wasn’t like you weren’t laughing at everything he was saying. Even as Lia had left with Monica, Derrick, and their own daughter the three of you were still standing around.

“So what are you doin’ for the rest of the night?” He asked, tilting his head to the side clearly only speaking to you.

“Um, I dunno,” you said looking over at him. “We were just going to probably go home. Pick up Lia later.”

“There’s this bar I was going to after. You should come with. We haven’t hung out in a minute.”

“That sounds like fun,” Ryan interjected suddenly.

“You wanna go, Chris?” You asked now seeming more inclined to going.

Chris looked at you with a raised eyebrow and shrugged. “Do you?”

“It might be fun,” you replied.

“Well, I mean there’s a group of us. Only have room for one more,” Eddie said.

“That’s okay,” Chris replied. “We can drive separately.”

“Are you two together?” He finally asked.

“We like to say we’re co-parenting closely,” Chris said.

Eddie chuckled, head going back. “Wait, what? You’re pregnant?”

“Not yet,” Chris mumbled.

“No,” you laughed smacking Chris’s stomach lightly but keeping your hand on his abs getting closer to him. “Chris just finally stopped being Hollywood for long enough to start parenting our child.”

“Yeah well what can I say. Couldn’t get a hold of you,” he teased. To be honest he was kind of glad the two of you had reached the point where you could joke about this. Sure things weren’t clear, but hey at least you were working on it.

“Still using that excuse?” Ryan said through gritted teeth.

“Ry, cool it,” you said nudging her.

“Yeah…” Eddie said. “Yeah just meet me there. Text you the address.”

“Can you just send it on my Instagram?”

“Yeah…”

Good girl. That’s right don’t give another man your phone number in front of him. Bad enough he was doing this instead of spending alone time with you.

“You sure you don’t wanna go home?” Chris groaned as he got into the drivers seat. Putting the back of his head against it.

You grinned, looking up at him. “Yeah. I think it’ll be fun. Why not take advantage of Lia being gone. Go on another date.”

Chris’ heart thumped in his chest and a little smirk coming on his face. “Oh so you’re asking me out now?”

You chuckled softly suddenly getting all squirmy under his gaze. You looked so fucking hot like this too. All dressed in black. Why waste it by just taking you home. He had the rest of guys life to take you home. You wanted to go out, then he’d go out.

“Maybe.”

Hell he should be happy you still wanted to go out with him. Made him feel like he was back in his 20’s. Hanging with you and talking about whatever. How this time he wanted to get it right. Didn’t feel like there was any room for mistakes.

“What about Ryan?” He asked. Happy she’d went in Eddie’s car. He’d needed a breather from all the sly comments. He got that she was your friend and he was trying to be nice, but fuck.

You shrugged. “She’ll be fine. Besides, it’ll be fun.”

Chris held your hand as he walked through the bar. Hoping he wouldn’t get noticed too much. By now rumors had been going around. He’d have to address you and Lia at some point. He just wanted the time to be right. On his own terms. Besides he didn’t need her getting all that scrutiny. She was just a kid.

Then there was you and he thought about all the awful shit people would say. And he knew he could protect you but still fans were vicious.

But that didn’t mean he wanted to hide things. Pretend like something wasn’t going on. Be secretive. You didn’t deserve that.

He sipped on his beer as you nursed a whiskey sour. Whispering in each other ears. It took him back. It really did. Taking you all over like you were his girl. Because you were. He was just waiting for the time to do it right.

He remembered when Lia had first messaged him. Derrick had texted him out of nowhere for the first time in forever. Funny how you’d just been on his mind for the millionth time after dating this girl that didn’t feel right giving the same shit he wanted to give you. Figured you’d be married now. Why wouldn’t someone have snatched you up.

So when she got a hold of him it was like his life had flashed before his eyes. That how the hell could he be a dad and not know. He never wanted to be one of those guys and he had been. His little girl growing up without him. Made him feel like scum.

Hopped on a plane as soon as he could. He was coming back to you and her. Wouldn’t have done it any other way. Even the few times he’d traveled since had been different found himself missing you more than he’d expected. And he hadn’t even touched you yet.

“Chris,” you whined pushing at his shoulder. He didn’t mean to zone out on you. “Stop looking at me like that.”

A goofy smile spread across his face before he grabbed your hand to make you stop. “I can’t help it.”

“But you’re not listening.” You pouted.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He laughed. “What were you telling me, Sweetheart?”

“I forgot to tell you that I talked to your mom and she wants to come out.”

His jaw dropped eyebrows furrowing. “She’s already calling you instead of me?”

You giggled. “Because she wanted to stop by the bakery.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Oh whatever. You’re her favorite now.”

As you giggled again you tilted your head back. He couldn’t help it as he just stared at you. Eyes feeling heavy in like. Fuck you were cute. He remembered getting like this back then too. All smitten.

Even when he was with her and the two of you annoyed the shit out of each other. How you seemed to suck him in. No wonder she used to accuse you of flirting with him. You probably were.

He remembers how you used to dress back then. Flaunting everything off. No girl of his would be going out dressed like you. If you were his he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to see that. And he didn’t even get it. Normally Chris didn’t care about that kind of shit. He was never the type to care about what a woman wore. Yet with you he felt so… he just didn’t get it back then.

Now he did. Fuck he’d always wanted you. And he wanted you right now. Should have just taken you home tonight. See what happened. Fuck he knew what would have happened. He wouldn’t have been able to stop himself. Maybe that’s why you wanted to go out. Trying to fight him off.

“Chris,” you whined again and this time he caught your hand before you could push against him. Chuckling before pressing his lips to it.

“I’m sorry, Baby. You wanna get outta here?”

Just as you were about to answer, Eddie finally popped up. Making Chris roll his eyes. “Hey! I’ve been looking for you two everywhere. Come sit with us.”

Chris groaned. “Actually, Man, we were just about to head out.” Especially with the way you were making eyes at him.

“Ah come on. Just one drink?”

“Yeah. Just one won’t hurt, right?” You said nudging him. “Besides, Ryan is probably sitting with them.”

As bad as he wanted to be like no let’s go, he knew you just wanted to have some fun. Fucking Y/N. You little tease.

Chris groaned. “Alright, fine. One drink.”

You grinned before leaning into kiss his cheek. Chris caught Eddie rolling his eyes at that. Meanwhile all he could do was smile at you.

So cute. So innocent. Couldn’t see that this other guy wanted you. Maybe you didn’t want to. To focused on him. Fuck he should just tell him to fuck off. You two had your date. It was time to go home so he could… shit you looked good.

“Actually, I think we should go home,” he said breathing heavy through his nose.

You did this thing where you licked the corner of your mouth. Glancing from his lips to his eyes again. “Okay,” you said the bit your lip.

Good fucking girl. That’s what you wanted, huh? Wanted him to put his foot down. He could do that.

“Yeah, sorry, Man. Maybe another t-,”

“Oh my god! Chris?” Came a gasp.

That’s when Chris looked up and then crinkled his nose. You let out an annoyed breath, rolling your eyes. “Um, hey…”

“Hey!” She said with all the enthusiasm in the world. “Y/N.”

“Heather,” you replied. Not like you wanted to talk to her anymore than she wanted to talk to you. According to you it wasn’t like you hadn’t seen each other around.

All it showed was that you really needed to get the hell out of there. “What are you two doing together?” She asked.

“We’re on a date actually,” Chris replied putting his hand on your thigh. You smiled up at him, bringing your palm to rest on top of it.

“Oh…” she said with a raised eyebrow. “‘Bout time the two of you admit it.” She chuckled. “You two were sooo annoying back in the day. Like just fuck already please.”

“Why don’t you guys come sit with us?” Eddie asked again.

Honestly he was kind of stunned that Heather was being so… polite. It had been over ten years though. People change. He’d changed. Fuck it.

Ryan hugged you as soon as you got to your booth having been sitting with Eddie’s other friends. Probably the first time he’d seen her without a scowl on her face. He didn’t even care that she didn’t bother to say hello as he just went back to wrapping an arm around you. One drink and the two of you were fucking out of there.

“Wow, Chris it’s been such a long time,” she said. “You look great. Movie star life treating you well?”

“Yeah it’s been pretty fun,” he replied. “Nice to take a break, though.”

“So you two are a couple now or?” She asked cutting to the chase.

“They’re coparenting,” Eddie informed her.

Heather raised an eyebrow. “Oh you’re pregnant?”

“Not yet,” Chris said again. “We actually have a daughter together.”

“Isn’t your daughter like… fifteen?”

“Thirteen,” you replied.

Honestly it was like Heather’s eyes were about to bug out of her head. “What? Wow, Chris. What the hell? Honestly, Y/N, you’re better than me cuz I would have kicked his ass.”

Chris snickered because he kind of didn’t blame her for her reaction.“Yeah well, trying to make up for lost time.”

“In his defense, he didn’t exactly know,” you said. “Just figured it would be better if we started with a clean slate.”

“Easy to do when other people have picked up the pieces,” Ryan said with her drink up to her mouth, but not yet taking a sip.

“Ryan, stop,” you said.

“No let her talk,” Chris pressed because fuck he was ready for her to just say it. Not like he hadn’t been down this road before with you. Of course there was going to be someone that had a problem.

“You know what just because she thinks the sunshines out of your ass doesn’t mean I don’t see right through you,” she said. “And one day he’s going to break Lia’s heart just like he did to yours.”

“Ryan, that’s enough,” you finally said. “I get it but it wasn’t only his fault. I should have told him when I had the chance and I didn’t. But he’s trying now and I wanna let him.”

“Yeah because you saw his bank account,” she said rolling her eyes.

“You know that’s not why.”

“Then what is it! You’re gonna let him control you because he has money? As if we haven’t been trying to create our own shit. You don’t need him.”

“It’s because I love him, okay!” You finally blurted out, squeezing your eyes shut. “I get it everything with Shane is back and forth but that doesn’t mean its like that for Chris and I… You know what I’m… not doing this with you,” you said getting up so you could walk away from her. “I’m going to the bathroom and then we’re going home.”

Chris stood up, too, but not before Heather could say, “I’ll come with.” Making a sour face in Ryan’s direction.

Sure you and Heather had never been friends, but it was kind of nice that she even seemed irritated for you. Following you to the bathroom. You just needed a minute.

“Hey… it’s okay…” Heather said as you took a breather in front of the sink.

“Ugh why are you being so nice to me?” You sighed as you leaned against the sink.

She shrugged. “Because. I dunno. Look we had problems like ten years ago. I’m not going to hold it over your head.”

You chuckled. “So, truce?”

“Hell yeah. Fighting over a guy is so 2008,” she said with a chuckle. “You okay?”

“Um, yeah… I will be I just… I’m so tired of the back and forth with her. Ya know. Ever since Chris came back it’s been like… constant bullshit with her and it’s like I don’t want to go through all this drama with him again. Not when things finally feel like they might be real.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“I dunno I don’t… like kind of, but I haven’t told him everything. He stayed outta shit like that you know Chris.”

“Don’t want history repeating itself?”

“Something like that,” you said with a sigh. “I just… want to be a family. Like we’re kinda stuck together.”

“Yeah well, don’t let Ryan get to you. You know how she is.” Heather rolled her eyes.

“I didn’t realize you two were so close,” you replied.

Chris was waiting for you outside as you’d barged out. Ready to go the fuck home after dealing with that shit. He doesn’t know what your friend was on but he thinks he’d reached a breaking point.

But that wasn’t even the worst part. As she kept going on and on he was trying to figure out what side Eddie was on too. Suddenly a lot of, ‘hey, maybe she’s right.’

He could tell the dude was into you. He’d made it obvious as hell, but this was something else. Cuz Derrick was right, he totally knew him.

“Oh, you’re the guy with the microdick,” Chris finally blurted out and that was what it took for Ryan to finally shit the fuck up.

God he remembers that. When you’d come to him freaking the hell out because you said you didn’t think it was possible. He also remembers laughing. Which he’d wanted to do, but at this point the hole had already been dug and the only thing he could do was wait for you so you could go home.

“Hey,” Chris called out as soon as he saw you to get your attention. Heather coming out behind you.

“I’m gonna fucking kill her, Chris!”

He raised his eyebrows before grabbing you before you could get any further. “Hey, hey. What the hell happened?”

“Oh nothing except I’m going to fucking kill Ryan!”

“What. Happened?” He repeated.

That’s when you stopped, squeezing your eyes shut. Before wrapping your arms around his waist. Burying your head into his chest. Chris sighed as he held you close looking at Heather who shrugged. “Just thought maybe she should know the truth,” she said. “Chris, take her home. I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?”

You nodded and sniffle. Chris felt like he was in the twilight zone. This could not be the same two girls he knew back in the day that were ready to claw each other’s eyes out over him. Then again he liked this way better.

“Thanks, Heather,” he said as you held onto him.

“Yeah. Maybe we can go out for coffee sometime?”

“I’d like that.” She smiled. “It’s okay. I’ll deal with Ryan.” She winked before waving.

“Well, that was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting,” he said in your year with a chuckle.

You’d been silent the whole car ride home. Staring out the window. To be honest Chris wasn’t really sure what to say to make anything better. She was your friend for so long. Not surprised that whatever was going on was making you feel some type of way.

That’s okay. He’d take care of you when you got home. Thank fucking god for Monica and Derrick for the millionth time.

As you took off your seatbelt, he reached over to touch your shoulder. “Wanna talk about it?” He asked.

“I should have listened to you when you said let’s go home,” you said.

“Next time I’m throwing you over my shoulder like a caveman.” He chuckled. You closed your eyes as you laughed softly too. Chris moved his hand to your thigh. “If it makes you feel better, I made a total ass of myself with your friend Edgar.”

You laughed again. “You mean Eddie?”

“Yeah. Him.” Chris laughed. “He’s the micro-dick guy isn’t he?”

“Chris! You didn’t!”

“It just came out!” He said. “Ryan was still going on and on and he was saying how messed up it was that I came back and got in between your friendship and it just clicked.”

If nothing else he was happy he was at least cheering you up as you started laughing a little harder. “Chris!”

“What! You know what that’s what he gets for trying to flirt with you even though we were together.”

“You’re such a meatball.”

“Am I wrong? He clearly still has feelings for you.”

You chuckled and shook your head. “No you’re not wrong but still!”

“Oh so you were trying to make me jealous on purpose?”

“Maybe a little.” You shrugged.

He shook his head. “Thought you were being cute, huh?”

“Aw, Boo,” you cooed at him before leaning over to kiss his cheek. “I know I’m cute.”

Chris laughed as you hurried to open up the car door. Like you were trying to get away from him. He was just happy you seemed to be in a better mood.

He tickled you as he got up to the front door. Pushing you up against it. “Hey!” You protested as he put his hands on either side of your head, boxing you in standing in front of you so you couldn’t walk away.

“You know what?” He said with his voice all low. Voice rasping out as he spoke. “I’m gonna let you have that one.” Then he put his nose against your cheek. Breath tickling your skin. “You are really fucking cute. Why I can’t let anybody else have you.”

Finally his lips pressed to your flesh. Making you shiver. “You’re only saying that cuz I’m the mother of your child.”

“Nah. I’m saying that cuz I’m trying to make another,” he said into your ear.

You rolled your eyes and then smacked his stomach. “Oh whatever you don’t-,” you stopped talking when he finally pressed his lips to yours to shut you up. Sick of all the games you’d been playing. Fuck it. He was tired of waiting. He’d waited long enough.

You snaked your hands around his neck as he finally pulled you in. Honestly he doesn’t know how it took him this long for him to do this much. Now he was sure he couldn’t stop.

“Chris,” you moaned into him. Fuck yeah. That’s his girl. Goddamn he needed this so bad.

“C’mere,” he said, pulling you. Needing to get you inside already. Didn’t need to give his neighbors a total show.

As soon as you were in the house he couldn’t help himself as he started kissing you again. He’d been craving this for all these years and he was tired of waiting.

“Please,” you moaned when he started kissing all on your neck.

“Tell me what you need, Babe,” he said into your ear.

“Need you,” you whimpered. “Really bad.”

“Yeah? Don’t worry, Baby. I need you, too,” he groaned into your ear. “Gonna take care of you. Never leaving you again.” He picked you up so your legs could wrap around his waist as he could carry you to his bedroom. Well, your bedroom. No way he wasn’t keeping you here now. This was it. “You on birth control?”

“No,” you whispered softly biting your lip. “I didn’t think you’d wanted me to be.”

Chris chuckled. “That’s my fucking girl,” he groaned, his dick feeling so strained against his zipper. Hands pawing at your ass before you put your mouth back on his.

Your jacket and tank top coming off quickly and his too. Chris didn’t want to waste anymore time. He’d done it long enough.

Before you know it he set you down on his bed. Laying you back as he hovered over you. “Fucking pretty as hell,” he said as he helped you unbutton your jeans. Like he could barely wait.

He started kissing down your body so he could pull them off. Placing kisses down your thighs and keeping his eyes on you. Had been mad at himself for not even getting one fucking taste back then. God he was about to fucking feast.

“Chris!” You cried reaching up to grab his hair as he ate you out. As bad as he wanted to put his dick in you, he knew he was not about to stop until he got his fill. “Y-yes,” you gasped. “Yes-,”

Fingers on your clit rubbing in circles. He wanted to make you cum so badly. “That’s my baby. That’s right. Look at how fucking wet this pussy is. Been waiting for this, huh?”

“Uh huh,” you breathed out.

“Me, too, Baby. This is mine. You hear me? Never letting you go again.”

“Chris!” You cried out feeling close as he played with you at the same time as he said all this shit. “Please!”

“Tell me what you want,” he demanded.

“I wanna- ah! I wanna- fuck I’m gonna cum.”

“Yeah?” He asked speeding up his movements on your clit.

“Right- ah don’t stop! Right there!” Eyes rolling to the back of your head as you cried out for him. Orgasm piercing through you. “Chris!”

He didn’t wanna stop though. Wanted to give you a few more while he could. Wanted to show you exactly what he was gonna do to you. That you were his fucking girl and that he wanted you to feel good.

When he was finally done he was dying to kiss you. To make you taste yourself. Goddamn if he didn’t get inside you soon he was probably gonna cum in his pants.

He pulled off you so he could hurry the fuck out of his jeans and underwear. Ready to just fuck you. Cuz you were spread all out for him ready to take him and he needed you so goddamn bad.

The moan you did into his ear made him groan as he started pushing in. Pussy tight around the tip making him hiss next. “Chris!” You squeaked.

“What am I gonna have to do until you’re calling me daddy?” He asked as he pushed in a little deeper watching as your eyes squeezed shut.

“I- ugh!” You couldn’t even get anything out as he stretched you. “Daddy!” Not even trying to fight it.

“That’s my good fucking girl,” he groaned his hips picking up speed. Chris got on his knees as he pumped in and out of you. “Been thinking about this for thirteen fuckin’ years. Never letting you go again. You fucking hear me.”

You turned your head to the side. Face screwed up as you took him. That was all you could fucking do with how damn deep he was and how good he was giving it to you.

Chris leaned down so he could take your nipple into his mouth. Making you let out the cutest little whimpers. Juicy pussy tightening around him. “Might have to mark you up. So next time your little friend sees you he knows better than to fucking talk to you,” he said, then went back to suckling on them.

“Daddy!” You mewled, body shuddering unable to help it as you came around him. Nails scratching at his back.

“That’s it,” he groaned. “That’s my fucking girl. So good for me. Gonna have to make you Mrs. Evans.”

He just couldn’t fucking stop. He wanted it all. Wanted to put a ring on your finger and a baby in your tummy. He wanted every fucking thing he should have given you a long time ago. Didn’t give a fuck what your friend thought. He was here to stay and wanted you to fucking know it.

“Fuck, Chris,” you sobbed as he picked up your legs to make them wrap around his waist. “Yes. I’ll be, ugh, I wanna be yours.”

“You already were, Baby,” he groaned. “Can’t believe you went off your birth control for me. See you knew what I fucking wanted, huh?”

“Yes!” You cried feeling another orgasm course through you. Fuck you can’t remember having anyone do you like this. That’s why you would have rather stayed single. You didn’t even want anyone else doing what he does to you.

Now that he was here giving you orgasm after orgasm, you didn’t want to think about back then. All that mattered was right now. That you believed him when he promised you the world. Maybe it was stupid, but you trusted him this time.

His thumbs pressed deep into the back of your thighs so he could get you steady just where he wanted you. Changing his rhythm so he could just slide in really deep making you gasp and your body bounce.

You looked so good like this. Whatever thought about how cute you looked earlier had been replaced in his mind. This was an image he’d never be able to replace in his mind.

Watching as his dick disappeared inside of you. Leaving your cream on his cock. As bad as he wanted to be rough with you, he wanted to savor it. Putting his body back on top of yours so he could hold you close as he stilled before pushing back into you as deep as he could go not able to hold himself back.

“Goddamn, Y/N,” he moaned into your ear as he spurted inside of you. Rocking his hips again like it was a primal instinct. Like he was trying to make sure he could push it all into you. “Fuck.”

He’d slumped on top of you. Putting his head into your shoulder. Pushing in one more time before rolling off of you. Not wasting any time to wrap you up in his arms.

“How’s my pretty girl feeling?” He asked into your ear as he settled in behind you once again make you shiver.

“Good,” you managed to say.

“Good,” he replied, kissing the side of your head. “You want anything?”

“Just you,” you mumbled.

Chris chuckled. “I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

You nodded as he kept placing kiss after kiss going down to your shoulder so he could give you more. Feeling like he needed to have his mouth on you. Fuck how did he wait this long. Cuz now he wasn’t gonna be able to keep his hands off of you.

Even the last time you didn’t get to do this. Everything had been so quick he never got the chance to savor you. Now, though, he wasn’t about to let that shit happen again.

Didn’t matter what anyone thought the three of you were a family and he planned to keep it that way.

[yuukei-yikes]

Is kagepro an anime? I wanna get into the series but I don’t know where to start (and honestly all i know about it is the stuff that you post, shout out to that white hair malewife and black hair girlboss you always post about)

GOD OK UM SO kagepro is really one of those things that are. just messy.

this is my pinned, so i’m putting it under read more!

What is kagerou project, should i get into it, how do i get into it?........... let me tell you about it!

originally? it started as vocaloid series, as in a story told thrusongs, then it had a manga adaptation, anime and novels. they all vary a lil bit with consistency tho tell the same story. and that is because… each media represents a “route” the characters go through. yep. it’s a “time reset” kinda story! kagepro its what i like to call a clump story. just a bunch of stories put together. u take longer delving into each character's backstory rather than the actual main plot ig?? like, knowing everyone's backgrounds Builds the present story. it is difficult to explain 1 thing without explaining another and so on..

if you want to start somewhere I recommend listening to the songs in order, many have very cool music videos also the songs are VERY VERY GOOD.

the manga i recommend up until volume 4 chapter 18. after that it gets TOO confusing because it goes into a route thats only explored in this adaptation, while its kinda important if u REALLY wanna jump into the world of kagepro, it is VERY VERY confusing at first, like a LOT happens and differs significantly from the regular routes(and as an old fan i really was not into it that much but that’s aside the point) but the manga in the first 4 volumes at least puts the beginning more in perspective

and only then id recommend watching the anime cuz without all this the anime is VERY confusing lol the novels are good but theyre wholeass BOOKS yknow. there are 8 so it is not beginner friendly if u rly dont wanna tap into it lol even some seasoned fans haven't read them. that’s my casual kagepro fan guide. but.....

but if in the end u rly become interested and u end up reading them... hey, ur here already, and i know i told u not to finish the manga but if u just read 8 light novels i guess ur ok with reading 9 more volumes of manga!!!! and then... i’d watch the anime? because the anime, believe it or not, as shitty and as ugly as it is... possesses the GOOD ending. and bc u read 8 novels, 13 manga volumes and listened to like 5 song albums, u can watch and actually know what’s going on and u are very happy at the end bc after ALL THAT u get to see the good ending.

BY THE WAY AS FOR THE PLOT... as i said, a clump story. kagerou project isn't only difficult to understand when it comes to all its different medias, the story ITSELF is as convoluted as it comes! hurray! but the basics is, shintaro kisaragi is a shut in ever since his hs best friend ayano tateyama committed suicide. he goes out for the first time in 2 years and runs into some funny quirky people who might've been involved in ayano's life, who in return was involved in fun quirky sci-fi shit about..wow? superpowers?! maybe her suicide wasnt driven by depression but by....(SPOILER CUT)? or was it? join shintaros man angst as he learns about everything ayano left behind! you'll cry! its a REALLY sad story! with lovely characters such as:

kido kano and seto! ayano's little siblings! kido is the leader. of what? good question! kano is gay and hates shintaros guts. seto? he has jobs and better things to do. he likes dogs.

momo! shintaros little sister! she is.. a famous idol?! and... DEPRESSED?!

mary! token cute character who is...relevant to the plot!? and even...A PLOT POINT!?!

hibiya! a 12 year old who ended up here for some reason! also equally as important depending on the route, his best friend hiyori! dont worry about it. 

konoha! we dont know who this guy is. well. we do. but thats a spoiler so dont tell!!!!

and of course our lovely deuteragonist, ene!! the funny little AI living in shintaros phone who TOTALLY didnt use to be human and has a sob story of her own and totally isnt related to the mystery of konohas existence. kagepro!! call now!! ITS AWFUL IN HERE!

[patt-writes-stuff]

Beach Days with The Genshin Characters!

Wc: 1.7k+

Type: Headcanons

CW: umm nothing except mentions of alcohol and maybe people being creeps? (None of the chars or you tho it’s very brief)

A/N: HI IM BACK FROM THE DEAD! These were supposed to be a lot shorter but I got too excited. If you by any chance wanna see some for your fav character lmk! I know it says request are closed in my bio but since it’s just hcs it’s a lot less (and I really enjoyed writing these so ajdhdhdk)

🔥Diluc:

This man cannot swim. Tell me otherwise, I dare you.

Kaeya tried to jokingly push him off a lil diving cliff area when they were kids.

He almost drowned. Kaeya was in a lot of trouble.

So, good luck getting this man to actually get in the water. The most he’ll do is sit on the shore where it’s very shallow.

He usually prefers to just stay under an umbrella on the sand and keep an eye on you.

Calls you every two hours in advance and helps you reapply sunscreen.

He’s very pale so I feel like he burns pretty easily, meaning he needs to reapply super frequently otherwise he will become a tomato. He brings like three bottles of the good shit. Tch, rich boy.

If you ask him to build a sandcastle, he will pretend to be annoyed but do it anyways. Ends up finding it kind of enjoyable.

He has the maids prepare a nice picnic basket for the two of you!! It’s got all your favorite foods plus grape juice cuz y’know.

If any creepy peeps approach you, don’t worry. He brought his vision and his claymore.

Of course, he won’t have to resort to such violent lengths. Everyone in Mondstadt knows who Diluc is and they probably know you’re his s/o, so they’re usually smart enough to mind their own business.

If they don’t, don’t worry. Diluc’s glare is more than enough to scare them away.

All in all I definitely recommend a beach day with him! I’ll give it a solid 8/10 (-2 for not wearing floaties and getting in the water with you or letting you teach him how to swim.

🖌Albedo:

You guys definitely 100% take Klee out with you on a beach day.

You guys bring snacks, beach toys like buckets and shovels for optimal sandcastle building, a picnic blanket, etc.

Jean definitely packs a lot more stuff for you guys to take with you than you actually need.

It’s only cuz she’s worried for Klee and is nervous about not being able to go with you guys though! It’s very sweet really.

Klee tries to bomb the fish and cause havoc at the beach 😭

I think Albedo is a good swimmer and gets in with you and Klee so that he can help her (which is very cute omfg)

He’s set total workaholic, as we know, so it took a lot of convincing to get him to put down his experiments and accompany you to the beach (however, he’s particularly weak to yours and klee’s puppy dog eyes so he caved eventually)

Though, looking at you and Klee happily building sandcastles and decorating them with pretty seashells of all shapes and colors, he can’t really find it in himself to complain.

He, of course, takes this opportunity to take out his sketchbook and draw the waves, seagulls, you… Of course he won’t let you see the sketch book no sir. He’s a bit embarrassed to be honest, but an artist such as himself recognizes beauty when he sees it so he simply had to draw you. (God I love him so much)

If a creepy person approaches you,- well don’t worry. The sight of a small arsonist child blowing up fish is enough to scare them away 🥰

At the end of the day, all three of you are all ticketed out. Albedo has to carry Klee back to Mondstadt because the poor baby fell asleep the moment you started drying her hair with the beach towel. You’re, of course, carrying back Dodoco and your bags. (You also manage to sneak a peak at Albedo’s sketchbook and find some very pretty drawings of you and Klee with your sandcastle)

At the end of the day, you guys tuck Klee in and read her a bedtime story (she woke up and insisted). Afterwards Albedo takes you back home and thanks you for coming with you and Klee (which you ofc say wasn’t a problem because how could you not???)

All in all? I’ll give it a solid 10/10. You’ve got tasty food, fun times, your boyfriend and his cute kid adoptive sister (yes I am very biased idc)

🦋Xiao:

I think it would take a lot of convincing to get Xiao to go out on a beach date with you.

He’ll probably see it as a distraction getting in the way of his slaying of monsters and demons.

However, he also worships the grounds you walk on (hehe, simp XD), so I don’t think it’ll take that much convincing on your part (especially because it’s is self appointed duty to keep you safe so if you insist on going with or without him, he supposes he’ll have to go)

Is definitely a bit tense at first. He doesn’t know how to let loose and chill so while you’re sun tanning on a beach chair he’s like 🧍‍♂️ahdgshjsjd

Eventually calms down a bit though! You get him to relax and eat some almond tofu you brought along with you. It definitely gets him to perk up.

I don’t think he would mind getting into the water but I do think he’d rather walk along the shore and collect pretty seashells and sea glass.

He later gives the ones he deems pretties to you (he hands them over to you with a blush on his face and pretends it’s not a big deal and he definitely gets all pouty and grouchy when you coo at how adorable he is)

As for creeps, Xiao is both intimidating and well known in Liyue. No one is brave enough (or, let’s be honest, dumb enough) to approach you with any bad intentions.

Sure, Xiao has sworn never to harm a human/citizen of Liyue but that doesn’t mean he can’t scare the absolute shit out of them.

I think Xiao would definitely enjoy a beach day 🥺🥺. He’d find it very relaxing to go out with you and just hear the sound of waves and feel the sand under his feet.

He’d definitely hint at wanting to do it again later. Of course, he won’t tell you. No, that’s a foolish mortal activity and he has much better things to do.

Wait no, don't turn around, yes he will go with you next month.

All in all, I give Xiao a 9/10. It’s a very relaxing day (which he deserves 😤). And you get to see a whole new side of him.

💎Ningguang:

OK SO ORIGINALLY I WASN'T GONNA WRITE ONE FOR HER (at least not in this post) BUT THEN I THOUGHT OF LADY NINGGUANG TAKING YOU TO A WHOLE ASS PRIVATE BEACH

She knows you don’t care about how exclusive the beach you go to is (in fact, the fact that you don’t care about where you are or what you do is one of the things that make her fall more and more madly in love with you) but you deserve the best so she’s gonna go all out.

She’s a busy lady so days like this where the two of you get to go somewhere and be together are few and far between.

She knows it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is busy 24/7, so she appreciates how you remain by her side despite all hardships. (Y’all are a whole ass power couple istg)

The two of you spend your day relaxing. Sun bathing, drinking piña coladas, maybe taking a dip in the ocean. It’s all very pleasant!

Ningguang doesn’t quite feel like the type of person who would sit in the sand and make sandcastle, however you’re more than welcome to make some yourself. She finds it endearing <3

If you insist on her helping, she’ll eventually comply. She loves you too much to say no. I feel like she’ll either be terrible at it or like a total architect.

Sand is technically like tiny rocks right? So maybe she can use her vision to help her? If that’s the case, she’s making a replica of the Jade chamber out of sand.

If any creepy person comes up to you don’t worry. Ningguang will buy the whole beach and then use her right of admission as owner to permanently ban them from the beach you’re at.

The only downside to a day at the beach with Ningguang might be that there’s a big chance she’ll be called to tend urgent matters, seeing as she is the Tianquan of the Liyue Qixing and all.

If that does happen, she’ll be sure to make it up to you somehow, whether it be rescheduling or taking care of the matter as soon as possible so that the two of you can get back to your day of relaxation and fun.

All in all?? Lady Ningguang will treat you like total royalty and the two of you will have an amazing time! I give her an 11/10 (she would literally buy a whole beach for you to be comfortable I mean c’mon)

🍃Venti:

BEACH DAYS WITH HIM ARE SO FUN!!

Swimming? Yeah, he’d love to! Sunbathing? Sure! He’ll ever conjure up a light breeze for the two of you. Sandcastle building? WELL OF COURSE WHY DO YOU THING HE BROUGHT ALL THESE BUCKETS AND SHOVELS?

No but seriously, he might be the best person out of everyone here to go to the beach with. He’s fun, free spirited, and he’s a traveling bard who’s been alive long enough to know where all the best beaches in Teyvat are. (He also knows a guy- er, well, dragon I suppose- who is willing to fly them to any place).

He’ll play some soft tunes while you doze under the sun.

HE PICKS PRETTY SHELLS AND GIFTS THEM TO YOU!!!

He will bring booze. I’m pretty sure this is a necessity. If you’re a little upset about it, he’ll probably “eheh~” his way out of it. That slick bastard.

If you really insist on him not drinking, he won’t consume much alcohol.

If some creepy person approaches you and tries to ruin you your day of beach time fun, all of their stuff will suddenly be blown away, causing them to scramble back to their spot and (almost embarrassingly) flail around trying to catch everything. What a shame…

At the end of the day, he’d be a little sad to leave. Definitely makes plans about tbe two of you going back soon.

I gotta give him a 10/10 he’s just so fun omg.

[daryl-dixon-daydreams]

Words: 8714 Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader Reader pronouns: she/her Era: the Greene farm Warnings: Language, violence, gore, blood, severe injuries, fear, anxiety, death of a character A/N: This is the FINAL part of a miniseries! You can find the other chapters on the Masterlist! Summary: Y/N and Shane go missing.

Your name: submit What is this?

Two weeks later

“I can actually do it myself,” you insisted, feeling a blush in your cheeks as Daryl pulled your hand over onto his lap and bent over it, luckily oblivious to the pink glow now filling your cheeks.

He huffed at you. “I’m sure ya can,” he drawled, “but it’s definitely easier for someone with two hands, don’t ya think?”

You watched as he methodically and carefully snipped the stitches in your hand and pulled the sutures away, apologizing if they tugged at all. A lot had happened in the last two weeks. Pretty much everyone had come around to the fact that Shane had hurt himself in an attempt to get the group to abandon you. There had been a massive fight between him and Rick and since then Shane had been confined to his tent while he healed. When Hershel found out what had happened, he told Rick that Shane couldn’t stay, but Rick had already decided that he had go. His best friend seemed to be growing more bitter and more unstable by the day.

But Shane was still around temporarily, and because of that Daryl had refused to leave you to sleep unguarded at night. You’d argued that it would be fine and that you didn’t really think Shane would try to pull anything else, but the archer was insistent. Eventually, you caved. Daryl had hauled your cot and bedding to his tent and set them up along the opposite wall from his, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck at the strange nervousness and yet gratitude he felt knowing you’d be so close.

You both fell into an easy routine together. Your physical closeness may have been borne out of necessity but the other growing closeness developed organically. Spending time with Daryl was easy. He didn’t mind when you were quiet for hours on end, lost in your own head as you aimlessly tossed twigs into the fire. He didn’t mind when you wanted to talk about something specific or nothing at all, and you felt the same way about him. The silences didn’t bother you with Daryl and every time he did open his mouth it was either to make you laugh or to say something you were genuinely interested in hearing. He was constantly checking on you over the smallest things. If you shivered in the evening as you spent time around the fire, he’d insist that you moved closer to the flames or he’d go get a blanket from his tent and toss it down on your lap without a word before he took his place again. He’d make sure you were eating and would refill your canteen whenever he thought about it. You did what you could to return the favors but he usually seemed to beat you to it.

“I guess with these out I can finally start hunting again,” you said. “And going out and gathering stuff.”

“Mhm,” Daryl hummed, his eyes narrowed as he focused on removing the very last stitch. “There.” He straightened up and looked at the slightly raised pink scar down the center of your palm. He wasn’t sure what made him do it, but he ran a finger lightly down the length of it.

You startled at the unfamiliar sensation, a little strange due to the altered sensation along the length of the scar, but even more so because of the way your heart jumped at the touch of Daryl’s fingers so light on your palm. You involuntarily pulled you hand back and your eyes shot up to meet his.

He gave you a sheepish look. “Sorry. Did that hurt?” He regretted it the moment he’d done it, worried about your reaction.

You shook your head. “No, it just—”

“Hmm?”

“Nothing,” you finished quietly, chewing on your bottom lip a little anxiously. He quirked an eyebrow at you but simply stood up.

“Alright. Well, couple more days and that asshole will be outta here,” he growled, glancing over in the direction of Shane’s tent. He wasn’t yet allowing himself to acknowledge that he was worried things would go back to the way they were before once Shane was gone. That is, you’d retreat back to your space and back to yourself. He was really liking his time with you and he didn’t want it to end. The archer shook his head and glanced back at you. Your eyes were now on Shane’s tent, too but your expression was fretful. “S’matter?” he prompted you.

You sighed. “I just feel like it’s my fault he has to leave…”

“Nah. Nah, it ain’t. Y/N, if it weren’t you it’d be somethin’ else. He’s been spiralin’ down since Rick showed up alive and took his family back. It ain’t got nothin’ to do with ya, not really.”

You still looked unsure but the worry lines in your forehead eased a little. “Yeah. I suppose so.”

“Listen, I told Carol I’d go help her with that new tent. Ya gonna be alright over here?” he asked.

You nodded. “Mhm. I’ll be right here. Andrea gave me a new book.” You did glance a little longingly over your shoulder at the far tree line and Daryl was always amazed that even after the traumatic incident in those very same woods that you still wanted to be out there almost every minute of the day.

“Hey,” he said, calling your attention back to him. “We’ll go out and hunt tomorrow, alright?”

You nodded. “Tomorrow.” You watched his broad shoulders fade toward the main camp.

Carol was waiting when Daryl arrived. Her old tent had started to leak and Daryl had promised to help her get the new one they’d found set up. She stood up as he strode over, already flustered by the number of pins and ropes and metal poles. “If I’d known I’d be living out of a tent I definitely would have stuck with the Girl Scouts when I was a kid,” she said, giving Daryl a helpless look.

He let out a gruff laugh. “Ya got that the wrong way around,” he said, pointing to the pole she’d already slipped through the tent. She stared at it and sighed. “S’alright. That’s why I’m here right?” he said. “Gimme that,” he said, grabbing the bundle of poles in her hands and setting to work. In no time they had the tent upright and were going about staking it down. Carol handed Daryl another stake and he pounded it into the ground securing down the corner.

“So… what’s going on with you and Y/N exactly?” she asked him.

The archer froze and shot a look at her before returning his eyes to what he was doing, grateful for a task to focus on even as he felt his ears growing red. “What’d ya mean?”

“Well,” Carol continued, “you’re sharing a tent,” she said with a smile.

Daryl scoffed. “So? I shared a tent with T-dog once. Ya gonna ask me if we held hands?”

Carol laughed and smirked at him. “Well, did you?” Daryl rolled his eyes at her and she laughed harder.

“We’re sharin’ a tent cuz there’s a psycho that probably is blamin’ all his problems on her. And I don’t want shit to go sideways.”

“So, that’s it? You’re just sharing a tent for purely practical reasons,” Carol said. Daryl could hear the skepticism in her voice and he straightened up after tying off the knot to the stake.

“The hell are ya on about?” Daryl growled. But even as he tried to act gruff and brush her off, he felt that heat growing in his chest that was becoming familiar when he thought of you.

“You two just seem to get along,” Carol said. “That’s all.”

“Mmm,” Daryl hummed, moving to the next corner of the tent. Something about that response made Carol laugh again.

“You’re so sensitive,” she murmured, eliciting an eyeroll from him. “Daryl, I just like to see you happy. And lately, since you’ve been spending so much time with Y/N, you’ve been happy,” she pointed out.

He couldn’t deny that. She was right. He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, his hands still on the last length of cord before he tied it off and pounded in the stake. He stood up and stepped back, taking in the structure. “Alright. All done.”

“Thanks,” she said gratefully, surveying it. She gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze and smiled. “Do me a favor?”

“Hmm?” he hummed, chewing on the side of his thumbnail, glancing up at her.

“If you really like her,” she paused and shrugged, “tell her. Life is short these days.” She knew that as well as anyone. A husband, abusive asshole or not, and a precious little girl were gone to this world.

Daryl only ducked his head and lazily twirled a piece of grass between his fingers. “I’ll see ya,” he murmured, turning and heading back toward his tent. He was expecting you to be sitting beside the fire where you’d been when he left, but that spot was empty. He approached the tent and stopped outside the door. “Y/N? Ya in there?” When there was no answer, he unzipped it and peeked inside. No sign of you. The book that had been in your hand was on the tent floor and he bent and picked it up, setting it on the upturned box that was serving as a nightstand next to your cot. That’s when he realized your knife was there. He’d been thinking maybe you had to go use the bathroom, but you never left camp without your knife at your hip, whether it was for two minutes or two hours. And it wasn’t like you to leave a book on the ground. You treated the damn things like they were some sacred tomes. He felt panic start to grow in his chest and left the tent in a hurry, his blue eyes scanning the area where everyone else was set up and the tree line. He didn’t see you anywhere.

Daryl grabbed his crossbow and took off running toward the main camp. He found Lori and Carol preparing some food for dinner and stopped beside them. “Hey—have ya’ll seen Y/N anywhere? She come through here at all?” He directed the question at Lori since Carol had been busy with him getting the tent set up.

She stood up and dusted her hands off on her jeans, shaking her head. Her eyes went a little wide with worry as she registered the deep concern on Daryl’s face. “No, I—I haven’t seen her. You can’t find her?”

Daryl didn’t even stay to answer. He just tore off in the direction of the farmhouse and bounded up onto the front porch. Glenn and Maggie both stood up at the expression on his face. “Ya’ll see Y/N? Did she come up here?”

Maggie shook her head. “No,” Glenn answered, immediately worried. “What’s going on?”

Daryl swore under his breath and paced a restless circle, rubbing a hand over his mouth. “I—I was gone for maybe an hour helpin’ Carol and now I can’t find her anywhere. She wouldn’ta gone off without her knife or nothin’,” he said. His jaw clenched and Glenn watched the muscle twitch. Daryl’s eyes quickly landed on the tent Shane was confined to and he took off at a full sprint toward it. Glenn was on his heels now.

“Daryl! Daryl, take it easy!” Glenn yelled after him. It drew the attention of the rest of the group and soon Rick and Andrea were standing beside Glenn as Daryl ripped back the entrance to Shane’s tent.

Daryl’s stomach twisted. Shane’s tent was empty. He kicked out at a milk crate that had some of Shane’s things on it and it toppled over. “Shane’s gone and Y/N is missin’!” he roared at Rick.

Rick gulped. A hard pit formed in his stomach. “Daryl—Daryl, just calm down,” Rick said.

That had the opposite effect. “Calm down? Calm down?!” he roared. “This ain’t no coincidence! I told ya he didn’t deserve to stay here to heal up, and now look what’s happened!”

“We’ll find them! We’ll find them. We will. Just—”

“Nah. I’m gonna track that fuckin’ prick and if he’s laid so much as a finger on her, he’s a dead man.” Daryl took off without another word, racing back to the last place he’d seen you, his eyes scanning the ground the whole way, hoping for a track, a trail, something.

“Dale, get the guns,” Rick said. “Lori, you and Carol take Carl up to the house and see if you can wait inside with Hershel and the girls.” Lori nodded and gave Carol’s arm a gentle squeeze. Rick rubbed a hand over the stubble on his face.

Andrea was stunned. “What do we do?”

Rick shut his eyes for a moment and pulled in a breath. “We get our guns and we look. We hope Daryl can pick up a trail and we hope we aren’t too late.”

You had been sitting contentedly by the fire reading when you decided you wanted some tea. You knew there were still some dried spicebush leaves in your pack from your last foraging trip and you went in to get them. You were crouched beside your pack, digging in the pocket when you heard a metallic sound that was easily identifiable. It was the slide of a pistol being drawn back and released, a bullet moving into the chamber. You froze with your hands in your pack and slowly turned. You could see Shane outside the window netting and his gun was aimed right at you.

“Get up. Slowly. Leave all your shit.”

You gulped and did so, replacing your pack against the wall and abandoning your book on the floor.

“Come over here. Zip the tent up and don’t even think about trying anything because I will kill you right here,” Shane growled, and you believed him. “Let’s go. Now.”

Again, you complied. You glanced desperately toward the main camp, hoping with every part of you that Daryl would be headed back or somehow happen to look over and see what was happening, but you knew you didn’t have any options except to comply. Comply and hope for an opening to save yourself.

Shane’s gun was still trained on you as you stepped around the outside of the tent. He was gritting his teeth in anger as you stared back at him. You were determined to remain calm and in control.

He nudged the barrel of his gun in the direction of the tree line. “Move. Let’s go.”

You felt sick, knowing that once you went into those trees the chance that you would ever come back out was low. But what choice did you have? He had a fucking gun on you and you had nothing.

You made your way toward the woods. Shane pressed the muzzle into your back. “Faster. And don’t even think about making a fucking sound. I will shoot you right here. I don’t even care. At least then I wouldn’t have to worry about you going all psycho-killer. Wouldn’t have to worry about Lori anymore. Or Carl.”

You bit your tongue to stop a retort.

Soon, you were under the dark canopy of trees, cloaked in shade and moving further in with Shane’s gun at your back. He was nervous, on edge, and understandably so, because you knew if Daryl caught him… he’d be dead in an instant. You decided your best course of action was to try to reason with him. You really did believe that he was just fucked up from being in love with a woman he couldn’t have. This was all misplaced blame and aggression. He really wanted to fuck Rick up, but that loyal part of him, that police partner, wouldn’t let him. Some part of him couldn’t bear to do that to Carl and Lori, even while another part of him was desperate to. You were an easy target, the next best thing to blame for his failed attempts to get back into the place he wanted to be, to regain some control, to prove he knew best and was still The Protector. If he had been able to show everyone that you were really a threat and that he and not Rick had taken care of it, he really thought maybe that would win Lori over. But that had all backfired. Now you were just easy to blame for all his problems.

“Shane, I know this isn’t really what you want,” you said quietly.

“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know a goddamn thing about me,” he growled back, nudging you sharply with the muzzle of his gun again.

“I don’t want you to have to leave either. I know it isn’t fair,” you continued. “You took care of everyone for a while before Rick showed up.”

“I said shut up!” he spat again through clenched teeth. “Ya know what? Sit the fuck down. Right there, against that tree.” He shoved you hard and you stumbled, barely catching yourself with your hands on the large oak before your face would have collided with it.

You obeyed and sat with your back against the tree, gulping at the dryness in your throat, and turning to stare directly at the gun pointed in your face.

Something about how calm you were being, how steady, was completely freaking Shane the fuck out. He wanted you to snap. He wanted to be able to say that he was right about you and you were a danger to everyone in camp, like you were some unpredictable monster. But you just sat there looking up at him, now completely silent, your eyes flickering between the muzzle of his gun and his face. Shane swore under his breath and paced back in forth in front of you. Your eyes followed his movements. You bided your time, trying to come up with something that would defuse this whole situation.

“How is this going to fix anything?” you asked him. “This is only going to make everything worse.”

He didn’t stop pacing and occasionally shooting a look at you that made your blood run cold. You were starting to think that maybe there was no reasoning with him…

“You can just let me go. I’ll just tell everyone I needed to get out of camp for a bit. You can wander back in like nothing happened,” you said.

He pointed the gun at you again and his lip curled. “There’s no going back from this. No going back from everything that’s already happened. And I know there is something wrong with you. I know it. If I’m not going to be here to keep an eye on you, I need to end this now so you can’t hurt anyone. Because I know you will snap eventually. I saw what you did to those men.” Shane got right into your face, poking you in the shoulder with the muzzle of his gun.

“I was defending myself,” you said quietly, feeling guilty and horrified at yourself even as you tried to justify it to Shane.

“So you say,” he growled, his pistol now aimed at your forehead.

“If I was going to snap like you’re saying, wouldn’t now be a good time?” you said quietly. “Obviously you’re a threat to me. But I’ve done everything you’ve asked.”

He scoffed and straightened up again, resuming his pacing. “What—what the hell happened to you, huh? What fucked up thing twisted you to the point where you could do what you did to those men? Do you even remember it? Do you even know how many times you stabbed them?” he pressed. He was trying to agitate you, but it didn’t work.

Your stomach was churning with the foggy memory of being covered in their blood, of seeing their corpses on the ground, but you only stared back at Shane. No way in hell you were divulging what you’d been through to Shane, gunpoint or not.

He ran his tongue over his teeth and you watched as the muscle in his jaw clenched. He charged toward you again. “You know what? I’m done with this,” he growled. He pressed the gun to your forehead, aiming at a downward angle. The metal bit into your skin. You stared up at him briefly, eyes wide but surprisingly calm, and Shane watched in some disbelief as you finally just shut them and seemed to resign yourself to the fact that you were about to die.

That hesitation was all you needed.

You shoved Shane’s arm away and the gun with it and snatched the knife at his hip, ripping it free from its sheath and slashing at him, leaving a good gash on his arm. But a knife wouldn’t be any match for Shane with a gun. He was a firearm instructor and you knew his aim was deadly accurate, so before he could entirely recover from his surprise you ran at him full force and the two of fell to the ground hard. The pistol flew from his hands and landed in the leaf little a few feet away. You began to crawl desperately toward it, trying to put distance between you and Shane as quickly as possible, but you let out a yell as you felt him grab hold of you and pull you back.

The next thing you knew he was over you, trying his hardest to get the knife from your hand. You were slashing at him desperately, catching him on the forearms as you struggled beneath him. You caught him with a particularly strong slash but the next moment he had your hands pinned in his and he wrenched the knife from you. The rush of blood was loud in your ears and now you were on the defensive. You shielded yourself with your arms as best you could and continued to struggle beneath him, but his weight was too much.

Shane suddenly managed to push your arms out of the way and you saw the knife coming toward you as if in slow motion. It was heading straight for the center of your chest. You thrust your left arm out and felt the blade pierce it deeply before ripping clean and lodging in your left shoulder. You let out a scream of pain, but as Shane was now leaning over you, you managed to get your knee up underneath him and thrust it as hard as you could into his groin.

He let out an agonized yell and rolled off you, abandoning the knife that was still lodged deeply in your shoulder. You gritted your teeth and were vaguely aware of tears streaming down your face and the fact that you were trembling. But there was no time to stop. You couldn’t stop if you wanted to live. You clutched at the knife in your shoulder, staring briefly with shock at how deeply it was embedded, but didn’t dare to pull it out. Rolling over and holding yourself up on your lacerated forearms, you fixed your eyes on the gun and made a desperate lunge for it. You felt hands on your legs again, dragging you back.

Back toward the edge of the tree line, Daryl had picked up the trail easily and was frantically tracking. Rick and the others were on his heels, glancing around nervously, straining their eyes in the veiled darkness beneath the canopy and their ears in the closeness of the trees. But it wasn’t long that they had to trail behind the archer because soon a strained yell made it to their ears. Daryl felt his blood run cold.

He paused hardly for a moment before he tore off through the trees in the direction he’d heard your voice echo from. “Y/N!” He wanted you to know he was on his way. He needed you to just hang on. He pushed himself to run through the nausea that had risen when that sound, your pained voice, had met his ears. He tore through the foliage, the sound of pounding boots on the soil loud behind him as the others followed.

“Daryl! Daryl, slow down! We can’t just—” Rick paused as he had to bust through some shrubs. “We can’t just barrel in there!” But it was as if the archer hadn’t heard anything. He just continued running, trying to listen over his own gasping breath and pounding pulse but simultaneously afraid of what he would hear.

Crack.

The unmistakable sound of a gunshot.

Daryl skidded to a stop, frozen. His face blanched, almost ashen as Rick caught up and glanced over at him. Sweat was pouring down from their foreheads and running down their necks, soaking the thin cotton of their shirts. A small strangled noise escaped Daryl’s lips as he searched the ground frantically again for the trail, needing to know he was running in the right direction. He spotted it. Direction confirmed, he took off at an even madder pace than before. “Y/N!” There was no answer.

But he couldn’t allow himself to think the worst. He couldn’t. That couldn’t happen to you. After everything you’d already been through… how could he have let this happen? Why had he turned his back on you for even a minute with that prick still around? He felt shaky and weak even as he ran.

The group had just pushed through another thick swath of understory when Daryl saw a bundle ahead, lying motionless on the ground. His breath caught in his throat and his boots rooted into the soil for a moment. But he pushed himself to move forward again.

Behind him he was vaguely aware of a gasp from Andrea and some murmur from Glenn.

As he moved closer, he realized there was a second shape ahead and as his eyes refocused, he saw that it was you. You were leaned up against a big oak tree, propped up against the rough bark, your head lolled toward your chest. Some pained gasp or muted scream, catching mostly in his throat, left his lips before he tore off toward you again. As he fell to his knees beside you, he took in the soaked crimson of your shirt. Your arms were cut up and absolutely covered in blood. Then Daryl’s eyes landed on the hilt of the knife still embedded in your left shoulder. His hands shook as he hesitated before lifting your chin, terrified that your skin would be cold and lifeless. You were bruised and battered, bleeding from a swollen and split lip and a gash near your hairline, but there was some semblance of warmth still in your skin, though you were pale. More miraculously yet, when he gently lifted your chin, you started to stir and Daryl watched in desperation as you struggled to open your eyes, eventually succeeding.

“Hey, hey. S’alright. I’ve got ya. I’ve got ya…” He could hear his own voice shake as he spoke.

You gulped, wanting to clear the taste of iron from your mouth. “I had to,” you managed to croak out. “I had to.”

Daryl knew you were referring to Shane’s lifeless body behind him on the ground. “S’ok. It don’t matter. Don’t talk now, alright? Just rest. I’ve got ya.”

Daryl felt someone behind him and turned to see Glenn just behind him. His face was pale as he took in your condition. “Her shoulder... Oh my God,” Glenn gasped.

“She’s gonna be fine,” Daryl said forcefully. He carefully slid his arm behind your back and another underneath your knees. You were fighting to stay awake. “Daryl…” you murmured. You felt so small in his arms as he lifted you. Daryl was vaguely aware of your fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, gripping it hard before you fell unconscious again, going limp in his arms. He turned and started heading back to the farm, moving as quickly as he dared with you in his arms, conscious of the knife still wedged cruelly into you. The sight of it protruding from you made him sick with rage. Rick was kneeling beside Shane, his face downturned, as Daryl breezed past. Andrea stood just behind him with a hand pressed over her mouth, watching as Daryl carried your bloodied body past her.

As Daryl’s broad shoulders disappeared, Glenn bent and retrieved the pistol lying on the leaf litter among streaks of your blood. It felt like a lead weight in his palm.

_ _ _ _ _ _

Daryl sat slumped in a chair beside your prone form laid out on the bed, covered over in the blankets. He was leaned over forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped so tightly that his knuckles shone white.

After days of agonizing waiting, there was a soft noise from you and his eyes shot up urgently to see you stirring a little on the pillow. He rocketed to his feet so fast that the chair he’d been in clattered backward loudly to the floor. “Doc!” he yelled out. Hershel rushed in a moment later.

You dragged your eyelids open with a great amount of effort and the first thing you saw were Daryl’s piercing blue eyes looking down at you with immense concern. You moistened your lips with your tongue and cleared your throat, which felt dry and scratchy, preparing to speak. He watched as your expression melted into a veil of confusion. “I’m not… not dead?”

Daryl felt a painful pang in his chest as he watched you spinning with disbelief.

Hershel leaned over you with a kindly and somewhat sad expression on his face. “You most definitely are not. Though you surprised all of us after what you went through,” he said putting a gentle hand on your uninjured shoulder.

Your eyes turned back to Daryl’s. “Shane—” His name seemed to strangle and catch in your throat. “I—”

“I know. Ya had to. S’alright,” Daryl drawled, his brow furrowing low over his eyes.

You mouthed wordlessly for a moment, your eyes brimming with tears. “Is he—did he—?”

Daryl nudged his nose up in a nod, his expression full of concern. “He’s gone.”

You felt that you already knew the answer but it still made your stomach churn. You laid more heavily into the pillow and shut your eyes, a pained expression crossing your face. When your eyes finally fluttered open again they were still a little glassy. Daryl wondered at this display of remorse, of regret you had for a man who had clearly taken you into the woods to kill you.

But what Daryl saw next was you clearly struggling against some flashback. You squeezed your eyes shut and your breathing quickened. Beads of sweat broke out on your hairline and your face tensed.

Daryl’s hand shot out to gently grab yours before he even knew what he was doing. “Hey.” He gave it a gentle squeeze. “Y/N. S’alright. You’re safe,” he drawled.

Your eyes opened and you glanced down at your hand in his. Daryl withdrew, suddenly self-conscious. You nodded and seemed to come back to the present.

You reached across yourself to grip your left shoulder, a wave of pain running through you and a grimace tightening your features. You felt thick gauze beneath your fingers. As you moved you became aware that you had many little rows of stitches on your arms and a few gashes wrapped up in bandages as well. Even your hands were cut up from your attempts to defend yourself. You extended your arm in front of yourself and took in the damage done by Shane’s knife.

“I don’t understand,” you said softly. “I thought for sure I was going to die out there.” The way you said it was so matter-of-fact and Daryl felt a rush of anger overwhelm him for a moment. Shane was lucky he was dead when Daryl had gotten there… He’d gotten off easy with a single round to the chest.

Hershel nodded. “You have a lot of strength in you. Rest. Everything is going to be just fine. You’re going to heal up and be back to normal before you know it, though that shoulder may need a little extra TLC.” The doctor took his leave and your eyes found Daryl’s again. He read worry on your face.

“What is it?” he drawled.

You gulped. “I’ll leave as soon as I’m healed up,” you said, now avoiding his eyes.

Daryl’s brow furrowed more deeply. “Why the hell would ya do that?”

His tone was forceful again and drew your eyes back to his. “The others—after what happened, I can’t imagine they want me around anymore.”

Daryl sighed heavily and righted his chair again, sinking down in it close at your bedside. “For once yer wrong about somethin’,” he said. “Nobody wants ya to leave. Ya didn’t do anything more than defend yourself, just like ya did with those men before. Anyone can glance at ya for one second and see that.”

You shifted in bed, trying to make your injured shoulder more comfortable, laying your other hand over it absently, and you chewed on the inside of your cheek. You still looked unsure.

“Y/N, when we found ya you had a damn knife sticking out of your shoulder.” He paused and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck a little anxiously. “I—” his voice seemed to catch in his throat. “I thought we lost ya.”

You peered at him curiously.

He leaned forward. “Listen to me, if anybody even so much as looks at ya like ya shouldn’t be here, they’ll have to deal with me.”

Daryl watched, a little anxiously, as your lips parted softly. “I’m not sure I deserve that from you,” you finally managed quietly. “You’ve already done enough. Daryl, I suspect you saved my life.” You gulped and stared down toward the edge of the blankets. “In more ways than one…”

The archer averted his eyes down toward his boots and chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, nervous and wavering between his insecurity and need to reassure you, not allowing himself to really think on what you’d just said. “Hey. Yer a part of this group, even if ya ain’t always felt like it.”

You studied him for a long moment before you spoke again. “So are you,” you said perceptively. His blue eyes shot up to meet yours and you gave him a weak smile. “Can you do me a favor?”

He nudged his nose up in a nod. “’Course.”

“Can—can you help me take a walk outside? I need some air,” you said quietly.

“Are ya sure yer up for that? Ya had surgery on that shoulder. Ya lost a lot of blood. Ya just woke up after bein’ out of it for three days. I don’t think it’s—” Concern creased his forehead.

You nodded. “I’m sure. You won’t let anything bad happen to me. I’ve at least learned that by now.” You felt a bloom of warmth in your chest as you spoke those words, coupled with the realization of their truth almost at the same time as they left your lips. That burst of heat you felt was reflected in a pink hue in the archer’s face and the tips of his ears.

He looked a little bashful but nodded and acquiesced to your request. “Alright. C’mon,” he said, gently taking your hand, avoiding the injuries carefully, and doing his best to ignore how nervous he felt when his fingers closed around it. He helped you out of bed and steadied you as you got to your feet. You glanced up at him, and your expression was so open and earnest he was frankly shocked by it. Could it really be that you were looking that way at him? His fingers were light under your elbow and his other hand was ghosting behind your back, centimeters away from making contact if needed as you started toward the door. “Ya alright?”

You nodded and gulped at the rush of feelings his hand around yours had brought, trying your hardest to ignore it. All you could do was nod. The two of you emerged onto the porch and Glenn and Maggie stood up immediately from their place nearby in the seating area. Both of them were all smiles to see you on your feet.

“You’re up,” Glenn said, looking at you with a bewildered smile. “This is amazing. It’s so good to see you awake!” His expression was nothing but kindness.

“How are you feelin’?” Maggie asked.

You nodded, glancing back over at Daryl and relaxing some as you saw one corner of his mouth was twitched up. His blue eyes were fixed on your face and he couldn’t look away. Seeing you actually awake and already on your feet was a huge relief after many days of sickening worry. “I feel alright. A little tired,” you admitted. Almost as if one cue you wavered a little on your feet, your knees feeling suddenly weak.

Daryl’s hand landed flush against the small of your back, immediately steadying you. “Easy,” he rumbled. “Ya alright?” You nodded, quite sure your cheeks were pink, and when you glanced back at him and mumbled a small “thanks” you thought maybe his cheeks were pink too. You turned back to Glenn and Maggie and your eyes drifted to all the numerous stitches on your arms. “I’m definitely a little worse for wear. But could have been worse…” you trailed off.

“Definitely,” Glenn said, giving you a sympathetic look. “We’re all just so glad you’re okay.”

Just at that moment you heard boots on the stairs and you looked up to see Rick, thumbs slung into his pockets as usual. Your heart rate increased with anxiety and you gulped at the sudden tightness in your throat. You’d killed his best friend. You’d pulled the trigger and killed Shane. “I’m sorry,” you said to the Sheriff.

But Rick was smiling at you with tears in his eyes, shaking his head slightly. “This is my fault,” he said suddenly, a rasp in his voice from emotion and your eyes widened in surprise. “This is my fault and I am so sorry. Daryl told me—and I should have listened. Shane was way more of a threat than I was willing to admit. This should have never happened to you,” he drawled. “And I hope you can forgive me at some point.”

You stared at him for a long moment, blinking in the sun and breathing in the freshness of the outside air. “It’s already forgiven,” you said softly, nodding at him.

Daryl stared at you in awe of how, despite everything you’d been through, you still could extend that forgiveness so easily.

Daryl sensed some shift in you and his brow drew down low over his eyes. “Let’s get ya back to bed. C’mon.”

You allowed him to help you back through the farmhouse and even into bed as you struggled not to put any weight on your left shoulder, wincing as you moved. Daryl watched you settled in and stood a bit awkwardly at your bedside. He nervously ran a hand back through his hair. “Well, I’ll let ya get some sleep,” he drawled, turning to leave.

“Daryl.”

He turned back to glance at you and your expression was a bit hesitant. “Hmm?”

“Would you stay? …please?”

He didn’t need to hear anything else. He planted himself right back down in the chair at the side of the bed and watched as some of the tension on your face eased.

“Thanks,” you said quietly with a sigh. Daryl watched as you closed your eyes and shifted, trying to make your shoulder more comfortable, but a moment later your eyes fluttered open again and met his. “He put the gun to my forehead,” you suddenly said quietly.

Daryl’s stomach plummeted and then swirled with anger. He stared back at you, incredulous with rage easily readable on his face.

“I made my peace with the fact that he was going to pull the trigger.” Your voice was somewhat disconnected, distant. “But then… he hesitated. And I took the chance and I fought.”

Daryl gulped. “Ya made it. Yer alright.”

You nodded and looked at him for a long moment, seemingly on the edge of saying something else, but you finally just sighed and your eyelids, now heavy with exhaustion, closed again. Soon, you were asleep. And Daryl stayed at your bedside and drifted off himself. _ _ _ _ _ _

Some time later You tossed down the game stringer, loaded with squirrels, in front of Daryl. “Ten,” you said, a wide grin spreading across your face. “What’d ya get?”

He looked up at you and affected an unamused expression. “Nine,” he drawled, pointing to his harvest waiting to be cleaned.

“Ha! I win again,” you said, absolutely brimming with joy. “I thought you said you were good at hunting?” you teased him.

He rolled his eyes at you and looked over as you sank down beside him. “Ya beat me by one. Ain’t exactly a landslide, is it?”

“A win is a win,” you announced with satisfaction.

He rolled his eyes again, but his expression quickly turned to concern as he caught you rubbing your shoulder. “Sore?” he asked you, his brow drawing down. “Maybe ya shouldn’t be hunting with that bow again yet.”

Your face softened as you caught his blue eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just a little tired, that’s all. Hershel says I need to build my strength up again.” Daryl’s eyes caught on the scar where the knife had been lodged into your shoulder. It was matched by many smaller ones on your arms, all with the same pink hue due to their newness. He could also see the brand on your arm, 1048, the remnant from your time under The Copperheads. Before, you would wear long sleeves in the height of the Georgian summer just to avoid anyone seeing that mark. Now there were a lot more scars added to it, but you didn’t seem to care. It was like you finally had a weight lifted off your shoulders and you felt free for the first time in a long time, unencumbered by your past.

“We should get ya a crossbow, like mine. Then ya wouldn’t have to hold the draw with that shoulder.”

“I like my old-fashioned recurve bow,” you said, pulling it over onto your lap and looking down at it fondly. “Especially because I can still beat you with it,” you smiled at him.

Daryl seemed suddenly fidgety and you picked up on it immediately. His eyes turned down and his expression was suddenly serious.

“What? What is it?”

He shrugged, still seemingly avoiding your eyes. “Can I ask ya somethin’?”

“Mhm,” you hummed. “Always.”

He flicked his thumb along the sharp edge of his knife. “How—with everything that ya’ve been through, how come ya ain’t just angry? I’m angry just thinkin’ about it. And it didn’t even happen to me.”

“Mmm,” hummed thoughtfully. Your eyes turned out across the verdant pasture, toward the trees you’d spent the day under. “I am angry sometimes. But,” you shrugged, your right hand shielding over the scar on your left shoulder absently, “being angry doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t fix it. It all still happened.”

Your eyes grew a bit far-off, a bit distant. Daryl took several forced, deep inhales and gathered his courage before reaching over and taking your hand in his, pulling it away from your shoulder.

You looked over at him in surprise. Your hand felt small between his. Your gaze was questioning. Daryl’s heart was pounding so hard in his ears he couldn’t hear anything else. He gulped, trying to clear his throat so he could talk. “‘M gonna make sure nothin’ else bad happens to ya. As best I can,” he murmured.

You nodded almost imperceptibly, your eyes still a little wide from the unexpected action of him taking your hand in his. “Only if I can do the same thing for you.”

You saw him gulp nervously before he nudged his nose up in a nod at you. “Yeh, I think—I think that’d be alright,” he said.

You gave him a half-smile that he found incredibly endearing and his nerves finally got the better of him and he released your hand, clearing his throat and awkwardly rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “I’m, uhh, just gonna go grab some more firewood,” he drawled, standing up abruptly and internally cursing at himself as he left you sitting alone by the fire. Fuckin’ coward. Despite all his attempts at denial, Daryl had realized over the last couple weeks that he couldn’t ignore how he felt about you anymore, but now he was stranded in this place between where he was and where he wanted to be with no idea how to bridge the gap. He wandered back with an armload of firewood, internally frustrated and kicking himself, but his frustration vanished almost immediately when he had dumped it next to the fire circle and glanced at you again. You were looking at him with that open expression, this time with a little inquisitive lift in one of your eyebrows.

“Hmm?” he hummed, pulling his bottom lip back in between his teeth and worrying it anxiously.

You tilted your head toward the place he’d previously been sitting and he gulped as he sat down, still feeling your eyes steady on him. He thought that now you looked a little nervous. “Can I ask you something?” you said quietly.

The archer nodded, nervous flutters flitting to life in his stomach.

“Umm… is it just me, or have you slept like shit, too, since I moved out of your tent?”

Once you were no longer staying in the house healing up, Daryl had moved your things out of his tent for you since there was no longer any need to worry about Shane. It wasn’t that you had asked him to, or that he’d even wanted to, it just seemed like he should…Afterwards, you’d actually moved your whole campsite closer to his, directly next to it, but you still found yourself tossing and turning on your cot, unable to fall asleep or stay asleep.

Daryl stared back at you for a moment in disbelief. He’d slept like garbage since you’d moved back, and he hadn’t even had the heart to fill the cleared space you’d once occupied with the stuff he previously had kept there. Now the emptiness loomed, drawing his eyes, the physical manifestation of how he felt something was just missing. When you slept on your cot across from him, he’d wake up in the middle of the night and look over at the shadow of your sleeping form. He always felt some swell of relief and maybe something else he couldn’t quite identify… Something about listening to your calm breathing always relaxed him and he found himself able to shut his eyes and drift off again. Maybe he’d gotten used to it. Maybe he shouldn’t have. But since you’d left, he’d been restless and anxious at night, wishing the material of his tent and yours would vanish so he could check on you.

Your nerves were growing with each moment of silence as you anxiously watched him, waiting for him to say something. “No, I—“ he had to clear his throat, nerves making his voice come out strangely strangled, “I’ve—” he let out a scoff of a laugh, almost incredulous he was about to say it to you, “I’ve slept like shit since ya left.”

“…really?”

He nodded, finally meeting your eyes again. “Mhm. Can’t fall asleep, can’t stay asleep, just feels like I lay there all the time w—”

You grabbed him by his lapel and pulled him toward you, pressing your lips softly to his, your eyes shut tightly, overwhelmed with nerves even while you melted into him. Your fingers cupped his face gently, like he was something fragile and Daryl was reeling.

By the time he reached back for you and got over his surprise you were already withdrawing and he blinked, bewildered, as he took in the wide-eyed expression on your face and your partially parted lips.

“Uhh—was that—okay?” you breathed, anxiety ratcheting up with each passing moment of uncertainty.

“Ya,” he drawled. It spilled from him like warm molasses. He watched as your face broke into a relieved smile and your cheeks burned pink.

“Good,” you murmured, unable to look at him any longer.

“Only I—I wasn’t ready,” he murmured. Your eyes flickered up to his again. He gulped nervously and reached out to move a strand of hair out of your eyes before clasping your face. His blue eyes were flickering between yours and then down to your lips. You could tell he was nervous and it brought a small smile to your face. Your eyes fluttered closed and you leaned toward him, only having to wait a second before you felt his lips crashing against yours.

This time the kiss was heated and urgent and he pulled you into him gently with his hand at the nape of your neck. You happily leaned in, smiling against his lips, your hand pressing flush to his strong chest and the other landing lightly on his side, driving him crazy. Daryl’s hand smoothed over your shoulder and down your bare arm, electricity rising in its wake.

When you broke apart this time, you were both all stunned smiles again, though now you couldn’t look away from each other.

“So, uhh—ya wanna stay with me tonight? Sounds like we both need some real sleep, ya know, and I dunno…” Daryl wasn’t used to asking for what he wanted so blatantly, or making himself vulnerable, but somehow you brought it out of him and he was willing to jump off that ledge if it meant he got to kiss you and touch you and hold you all night… things he had thought about plenty when he was lying on his cot, unable to sleep, but never saw as a reality.

You nodded, that same smile you always gave him glowing on your face. He was constantly amazed by the light you exuded; despite everything you’d been through… everything you’d shared with him.

He needed that. He needed the light. He needed you. You gave him hope.

That night you settled in against him, nervous but melting into the safeness of his arms around you. Daryl worried he was too overwhelmed to sleep, but moment by moment he realized how natural having you against him felt, how safe, how perfect, and before either of you spoke another word you both drifted off in blissful silence.