#I’m not feeling any difference in my focus so far other than my ability to hyperfocus is back from the war

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

So I took another lion’s mane in the morning and went “hey I should do my dishes” and immediately did ALL of my dishes, dried them with a towel, and cleaned my stove with Dawn* (which I never do; I usually do only, or half of, the ones in the sink, then exasperatedly put them on the rack to dry and feel drained for the rest of the day). And I found it hard to rip myself away from doing more in the kitchen.

I used to be able to build up so much momentum on a task that I just wanted to keep going and going and going and I feel like I’m regaining that (so far… let’s hope I don’t build a tolerance to this in a week like I did methylphenidate). I’ve been missing my momentum.

*I did not go out and buy Dawn during the boycott; someone gave it to me awhile ago before I knew Dawn was a part of it

[marauder-misprint]

Hii, congrats on 200 followers! I was wondering if you could do prompt 47, “I was already yours.” w/ Remus? (No pressure) Thanks! Ur amazing! <3<3

Thank you for the request! ❤︎ I rewrote this in like four different ways. Finally got something I'm happy with! Hope you like this little bit of fluff!

Magnetic

Remus Lupin x fem!reader

1.0k words

cw: fluff

Remus felt like a magnet. He attracted friends who were the opposite of him. He first noticed it with James and Sirius. Their boisterous personalities contrasting his more mellow one. Their ability to be so carefree while he struggled under the weight of how much he cared. And then there was you. Bold. That’s how he would describe you. Like bolding a typeface. You were very ‘in your face’ in a lot of ways. So naturally, he was drawn to you while you seemed to repulse James and Sirius. They didn’t hate you but they didn’t get why Remus liked you so much. You were a magnet in your own sense. The boys from other houses liked to hang you like flies to honey. There was always one who was flirting away with you. You liked the attention but you’d always walk away from them. In all the years Remus knew you, you’d never had a boyfriend. From what he witnessed, you turned down anyone who made a move on you. 

And that was enough for Remus to hold back his feelings for you. If you didn’t give any other boy a second look, why would you give Remus one? The only thing he felt he might have over them was a deep friendship with you. But that’s all it was: friendship. 

You sat down next to him on the couch in the common room. It was just him left as James and Sirius had gone to bed. 

“You know, I’m tired of guys thinking a little flirting is enough to get into my pants.”

Remus raised his eyebrows and looked over at you. You were slumped into the cushions, slouching far enough down that your butt almost hung off the couch. Your grumpy expression shouldn’t have made him smile but it did. He thought it was cute on you. 

“Another suitor turned away?” He asked teasingly. 

“Please, Pickett is anything but a suitor. I do have standards.”

“Impossible ones,” he mumbled, looking away from you. 

Part of him had hoped you hadn’t heard his little comment, but the way you sat up and turned your body toward him said otherwise. 

“What do you mean ‘impossible ones’?”

Remus sunk a little bit into the couch. He was regretting saying anything but he couldn’t take it back now. 

“I’ve known you since first year. You haven’t had a boyfriend and it isn’t like boys are lacking. I’ve never seen you dance with a boy for longer than one song. And… I doubt you’ve even kissed anyone.”

Remus tried to read the look on your face before it shifted to something more like indifference.

“I don’t see why I should waste my time on boys I know won’t make me happy,” you said defensively. “Why should I humor someone to a second dance if they made me want to gag the entirety of the first one?”

Remus shrugs. “Maybe a bad first impression?”

You laughed and squeezed Remus’s cheeks with your hand. 

“You’re cute when you’re optimistic about the boys at this school.”

Trying not to focus on your hands on his face, Remus couldn’t help the heat rising to his face when you called him cute. 

“They can’t all be bad!”

You paused for a moment, letting your hand fall from his face and back into your lap. 

“No, you’re right… Shocker, right?” you laughed. “They aren’t all terrible. But a lot could be better. You can’t argue with me on that.”

Remus draped an arm over the back of the couch so he could turn his body more toward you. 

“Okay, so humor me, okay?”

“Okay…” 

He didn’t miss the hint of hesitancy in your voice.

“What if you gave one of the decent guys a chance?”

You laughed and it made Remus’ heart race. Then you leaned forward.

“The decent guys don’t like me.”

“What makes you think that?”

“They just don’t act interested in me at all. Like they don’t flirt with me. The decent guys don’t like me like that.” 

“That can’t be right,” Remus said, his facial features scrunching in disbelief. “Who do you think is decent? Maybe I’ve heard something that you haven’t.”

“You can’t judge me if I tell you.”

“I’ll judge you if you say Sirius.”

You smiled at him. You wondered how someone so smart could be so dumb sometimes. 

“You’re a decent guy, Remus.”

Time stood still for a moment. You were trying to read each other’s expressions. Remus couldn’t tell if you were being sincere; was there a possibility that you liked him? You tried to understand where his confusion was coming from. Had he not heard you? 

“Remus?” you asked, your voice wavering in a way Remus wasn’t familiar with. “Say something.”

“I’m a decent guy?” he echoed your sentiment quietly.

You let out an amused scoff. “You’re more than a decent guy, Remus. You’re like the whole package… except…”

You looked away from Remus.

“Except?”

“Except you don’t like me like that.”

You felt Remus’ hand on your chin, bringing your face to look at his. He had moved closer to you. 

“Except I do.”

“You do?” you breathe. “But you’ve never flirted with me?”

“I saw you turn away every bloke. What chance did I have?”

“Every chance, you idiot.”

Hoping that he wasn’t playing a joke on you, you leaned in and kissed him. You weren’t one to be cautious, but you were at this moment. You pulled back after a few seconds when your second-guessing thoughts got the better of you, but then Remus chased your lips with his own. His own head was spinning; he couldn’t believe that this was actually happening, that you had kissed him. He couldn’t believe that you confessed to liking him when he had believed he would be taking his crush on you to his grave. When he pulled back this time, you rested your forehead against his.

“So you’ll be mine?” you ask in a whisper.

“I was already yours,” Remus said softly. “I just wasn’t brave enough to let you know.”

[hmsdoodlin]

(22) Heart and Soul <3

Long ramble under the cut

I’ll be honest I have no idea why these two resonate so much with me, they barely interact in the album one on one. But I think they’re really cute and I’m kissing them on the tops of their heads. They have so much potential.

(Please don’t crucify me for any of this, I acknowledge that some of my takes may be ooc. This is all based on interpretation and whimsy. Soul is hard for me to characterize.)

My version of Soul is tired. He’s driven to drastic decisions that he does not want to do. He loves his Heart and his Mind with his entire being just as much as he hates them, they’re him! They’re a package deal! But in Cacophony Heart and Mind are far too absorbed with their rivalry to really acknowledge him unless it’s to turn the argument in their favor. He feels ostracized and used, more like something to be fought over than a friend. I think he’s really lonely.

And then you have Heart. Someone who yearns to be understood but struggles to express himself in a healthy way. He craves for unity just as much as Soul and Mind do, but ultimately crumbles beneath his own perception of the others and his loathing. He wants to love, he has the capacity to if he is the entire emotion spectrum, he just can’t express it right now because of everything going on inside his head.

Soul really needs a hug and to feel loved -> Heart really needs a hug and to feel understood

Both are incredibly lonely in their own ways, but they also have the ability to be mutually beneficial for each other in Cacophony.

Assuming Soul is half and half of both sides, he’s able to understand and at least sympathize with Hearts point of view. He doesn’t agree with it, he can see past all of the twisted perceptions, but he’s able to provide the sympathy/understanding that Heart needs. No matter how small. And in turn Heart is able to provide that brief feeling of togetherness and unity. Heart is most likely the easiest to connect with on a surface level, and therefore the best option for when Soul is feeling down and hopeless.

Heart thinks the entire world is against him, he believes that Mind and by extension Soul hate him and want him gone. Soul is able to quell the moons worries, at least for the night. Soul believes that his sides hate him just as much as they hate each other, he wants them all to get along. Heart can provide that feeling of unity, physical touch acting as a form of reassurance and communication. He can pretend that everything is good for a moment and that the warm body beside him is how it’s supposed to be.

I headcanon Mind as touch adverse and Heart as very physical, so Soul is the perfect middle ground! Heart and Soul are able to connect on a very emotional level, and therefore have an easier time showing affection and being close. Lots of cuddles! Lots of comforting! They don’t have to talk, there’s no pressure, they can just hug and everything melts aways. They want to keep each other safe and happy.

Their relationship is so appealing because there’s no barrier between them. They can connect with and understand each other on a very emotional level, switching seamlessly between comforter and comfortee in most scenarios.

I have a lot to say about them in an angst sense, but it delves a bit too far into headcanons and is incredibly long. That’s a discussion for another time, I’m trying to focus on the positives of their dynamic here. Heart and Soul angst absolutely cooks though, trust.

I may be delusional. But in my HEART and in my SOUL they are very close. They share the same night sky! The moon orbits the earth and controls the tides! You can only see the stars when it’s night time!!!!

(Quickly going to clarify that I personally accept a lot of different interpretations of Hearts blindness as canon, I generally like and accept most headcanons even if they conflict with eachother. Soul blinded Heart? Cool. Mind blinded Heart? Epic. Heart was always blind? Awesome. I personally don’t really care and I think all of them can be true simultaneously. Why the hell not, time does not exist on a linear scale. I don’t agree with Soul being 100% an abuser though, he’s just as much of a complicated victim as the other two.

I personally like the idea that Heart did it to himself in apathy the most. Doodle Heart has subscribed to that, as will all/most of my interpretations of him. My Soul didn’t hurt him in that way. And I think he was actually quite mortified when he found out.)

Be silly be goofy, do whatever the hell you want, at the end of the day this is my own personal point of view. They swim in my brain like little amoeba and have rerouted all my nerves. I’m definitely more inclined to be soft on them so take everything I’ve said with a grain of salt. My ass is biased. On my hands and knees begging for more content of them though. PLEASE.

On a less serious note. I think Heart is Souls little guy. He love him :(

[gay-dorito-dust]

Inspired by @multific Dimitri fic.

When you first met Dimitri, you were a little intimidated by the man with the beautiful blue eyes and harmonious voice of an angel, so much so when you found yourself felling a little overexposed in a bar that looked and felt more expensive than anywhere else you’ve ever been.

He might as well have been the most beautiful man you’ve ever laid eyes on, it was borderline impossible to not look away from him as he sang from behind a grand piano. Yet there was a pain within that beauty from what you could see when you looked deeper into his eyes, there was something that made you feel as though he was unsatisfied or unfulfilled within him, you could only assume this feeling must’ve stayed and haunted him for most of his life and felt the need to subvert all the assumptions made about him.

To you Dimitri was an angel with disproportionate wings, yet was blessed in other aspects that would be proven great assets to have in any other possession than the one he desperately wanted to excel at. To you Dimitri was a man who had power and influence but felt that wasn’t enough to make a change, to claim what he wanted for powerful men will always hungered for more, no matter how much he already had to being with.

Nothing was ever enough for them for the wanted it all, to consume it all and claim it as their own selfishly and through whatever means necessary, and once they did get everything the greed for more still persists as they try to look for something else to devour completely; unaware that they had already everything that they have taken from others but still the greed and hunger for within them will always tell them otherwise.

Yet despite knowing the kind of man Dimitri was, you always found yourself holding him to your chest at night, running your fingers through his hair while whispering sweet nothings against his forehead. Nothing else mattered to you nor him in those moments you shared for Dimitri didn’t believe anything should be going through either of your heads when you were in each others presences, your soul focus was on one another and the care you held for one another was all that mattered.

You knew that you could easily live a easier life with Dimitri but you and he both knew that while as tempting as that might sound, you were a restless soul who wanted to do anything and everything before it was far too late, blessed with the ability to do whatever your heart desires before you could ever regret not doing anything at all. To settle down and do nothing at an early age didn’t sit right with you, and you made that apparent when you first got to know Dimitri a little more after awhile, while he was stubborn in his own way of things he agreed that you should be the dictator of your own life and choices.

However that didn’t stop him from pampering you with all your favourite things when he felt your mood was especially sour then the day previous, for you were his comfort, his confidant and he wanted to at least pay your kindness forward by bringing you to his chest and humming a soft tune again your head as his hand stroked your arm.

‘Thank you.’ You’d murmur to him as you fought the need for sleep in order to spend just a couple more minutes with him.

‘What for?’ He replies softly as he smiles at you, finding his mind at peace and his heart full and beating from all the times you been attentive to him and his needs.

‘Just being here with me,’ you say as you nuzzled yourself further against him, ‘my beautiful man with the bewitching voice.’ You add with a chuckle, unable to see yourself anywhere but in his arms and you swore it was all his doing but you didn’t care because Dimitri was easily more than enough for you; an endlessly beautiful dream in human skin.

‘I’m only doing what you’ve done for me countless times before.’ Dimitri retorts as he holds you just that little bit tighter as he presses a kiss to your head. ‘Nothing I do for you now is different from the things you’ve done for me in the past when it was you holding me like this, yet you deserve moments of rest like this and so more that I’m more then happy to give you without hesitation.’

You kiss the underside of his jaw, feeling soft and warm and protected in Dimitri’s arms as you found yourself a little envious of the soft blue turtleneck the he decided to wear, for it got to be closer to him then you could ever want to be, but you shove the thought aside as you being too in need of sleep just to be envious of some article of clothing. ‘Still that doesn’t take away the fact that you care for me in your own way, so again I say thank you for doing all this for me dimi, my dear.’ You replied sweetly as you finally allowed your eyes to rest, comfortable in knowing that he’ll be the first thing you see in the morning.

Seeing as you were already half way in succumbing to sleep, Dimitri only kissed your head before resting his head against your own, closing his eyes as he holds you tight to him as though he was fearful that you’d slip away from his grasp. ‘There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, nothing.’ He tells you in abrupt voice barely above a whisper as though it were a secret only the two of you should know before submitting to sleep himself shortly after.

[insomniumstella]

sweetest peach 

bucky x bimbo!reader

warnings: implied smut, clueless!reader, pervy-ish!Bucky — the reader is more than fine with his behaviour though, corruption kink (?), explicit language

word count: 1,285

author’s note: this was supposed to be a headcanon, but it turned into a drabble real quick. i’ve been wanting to try writing something different though, so if you have any nsfw bucky thots or opinions, please do not hesitate to send an ask!

.•° ✿ °•. he’s a tad confused when you first join the team, clad in a pink crop top and a denim mini skirt. Steve doesn’t speak of the concern that swallows the space while you reapply lipgloss before freshly manicured fingers drum against the wooden desk in the conference room. 

✧.* “hi,” you giggle, “i’m y/n,” and it’s then that James decides you’re just too cute and too oblivious to be perceived as a threat, gazing at him through doe eyes. you're so much different than anyone else on the team, gleaming with happiness and innocence, and James almost wants to corrupt you. 

.•° ✿ °•. “hi, pretty girl,” he answers with a smile, “i’m Bucky.”

✧.* Maria Hill orders everyone to find a seat, so she could go through your file and inform the other avengers of the newest member’s abilities, but the soldier cannot focus, catching your wandering glance every once in a while. heat and desire itch underneath his skin as your eyes run across his firm shoulders and biceps, lingering on the metal arm before your stare finds his face again, and you offer him a sweet grin. he’s done for, Bucky realizes — he’d protect you with his life if it came down to it. 

.•° ✿ °•. it’s a couple days later when James comes to Steve with a proposal, suggesting he should be the one to train you as the captain has far too many responsibilities. Steve agrees, too lost in the pile of documents to notice Bucky’s true intentions visibly etched into his facial expression. 

✧.* you make it almost impossible for the soldier to focus during sparring, giggling and gasping, and whining when he manhandles you into different positions. it’s wrong, he understands, to make you accidentally straddle him time and time again, but he stops caring because you don’t seem to mind, grasping onto his muscled biceps for balance.

•° ✿ °•. “you lost again, peach.” Bucky chuckles, clutching your thighs to lift the two of you into a standing position. his hands come to rest under your butt while your arms latch around his neck as a plea for him to hold you a bit longer. mmmh, you hum with a sly smile, and Bucky’s taken aback slightly. he searches your face for an emotion he hasn’t yet decided upon, but it’s as warm and as charming as always, “sweets,” he leans in, “have you been letting me win on purpose?” 

✧.* a giggle slips past your lips at his comment, “maybe,” you admit, but James cannot find it in himself to be mad because you’ve been letting him twist your body into outrageous positions for the past several weeks on purpose, whining in frustration—or pleasure—when his rough hands would handle your flesh. “i’m a witch,” you remind, pushing a piece of hair that’s stuck to his glistening forehead aside, “i could’ve used my magic on you, but i like it when you touch me.” 

.•° ✿ °•. the ocean’s still for a while as Natasha begins taking you on missions. James continues to train you at hand-to-hand combat, though, and much to his satisfaction, you’re not only the most attractive student he’s ever had, but one of the best, quickly learning to fight without magic. 

✧.* the swift glances and soft touches you often pay him outside the comfort of the gym’s walls bring the most delicious of pain and pleasure. he’s one of many you pay attention to, and it suffocates him, the sight of you acting so naive and sweet around other agents drowns him. but i like it when you touch me, James reminisces night after night, and so touch James does because how else would he know if you truly desire him. 

.•° ✿ °•. you’re making coffee one morning when you feel him press into your behind to reach for a mug in the cupboard. the action is harmless, you think, and shift to smile at him as a good morning. he returns the gesture, bucking his hips into the plush of your ass before hastily retreating. 

✧.* in your mind, the next few incidents are just as innocent. Bucky’s a righteous man, who’s only trying to be friendly to a newcomer, right? he must be because he pulls you into his lap during the compound’s movie nights when the sofa lacks space or holds the dip of your back to lead you through a crowd of people. James even offered to do your laundry, neatly folding tiny clothes into organized piles, including brightly colored panties. you noticed your favorite thong was missing from the stack of clothing he returned but stayed silent, grateful Bucky helped you in the first place. 

.•° ✿ °•. it’s several months later when James decides he’s had enough. the team is hanging out at a nearby dive bar, indulging in countless dirt-cheap cocktails and heated rounds of pool. you’re standing beside Steve as you attempt to strike the cue ball, the cue stick gliding right above it. the frustration is evident in your face, eyebrows all scrunched up, wrinkling your pretty features. lacy panties peek out from under your skirt when you bend down, and James can feel his jeans tightening. lately, leggings and suits Tony designed with your specific kind of magic in mind have been the core of your attire, but it’s friday, and the night’s supposed to be fun, so you’re back to low-cut tops and barely there denim. 

✧.* “shit,” you curse. the word is foreign to Bucky’s ears when it comes from your plump lips, and he abandons the conversation with Sam to come stand behind you. he places his hands on the cushions, caging you between his body and the table. pouting, you turn around to glance at him, “the stupid stick won’t hit the stupid ball,” you whine, unintentionally squirming against his hard length. 

•° ✿ °•. “let me help you, peach,” James chuckles, holding your arms in his hands. he maneuvers you into the right position, helping you strike the ball. The cue ball strikes a purple neighboring sphere, and it rolls into one of the pockets. swiftly, you turn around to wrap your arms around Bucky’s neck, slightly jumping up and down from the happiness of a successful shot. “good job, sweets!” James celebrates with you, but it ends early when his metal arm detaches you from his body, clutching your waist to twist you, so that your back is against his chest again. “do that without my help this time.” 

✧.* you comply as he takes a step back, but your focus is soon blurred when his nimble fingers caress the skin of your exposed thighs. James is so close, you can feel the warmth radiating off him, and he shifts to shield his wandering hands from unsuspecting gazes. leaning down, “focus” he murmurs into your neck before his fingers drift higher, nearing your core. it clenches around nothing, and James seems to notice, chuckling before he withdraws his touch to correct your form. “lower,” he instructs, pushing down on the dip of your back, “this hand should be further away from the cue ball,” Bucky informs, but you’re putty in his hands. 

.•° ✿ °•. he retracts, allowing you to concentrate. the sphere misses a colored ball, striking the rail, and stops. “i missed,” you pout again and shove the cue into his hands, “i’ma get a drink.” 

✧.* "how about i come with you," a slight smirk dances on his lips as he drops the stick into Tony's lap. his hand slithers to rest on the dip of your waist, and he pulls you into his body. you only giggle at his antics, the sound of it syrupy and genuine. 

.•° ✿ °•. “alright, Buck,” you say, fluttering your eyelashes, and James swears he's going to completely corrupt you one day. 

[ashaflemythal]

I haven’t seen any real critical takes on veilguard on here, so I wanted to add my 2 cents and open up a discussion bc at this moment I would say I’m beefing with BioWare lol.

Firstly, did I have fun playing veilguard? Uh, yes? I guess? Technically? I would definitely say the combat system and a lot of the gameplay itself is far better than it has been in previous games, and made me more engaged.

However, the writing issues at BioWare came to a major head here.

1) i didn’t feel like they went into the political and social implications of what was going on at all?? The elven gods coming back would bring so many other consequences beyond the destruction and blight. We didn’t see how this affected the way elves were treated, especially somewhere like Tevinter.

2) what happened to the Templar/mage conflict? The implications of the elven gods being alive and back are that then the chant and chantry are mostly wrong. There is no “magic was made to serve man and never rule over him.” This would likely make mages lash out at templars for being oppressed over what have turned out to essentially be lies. The templars then would likely split into those that leave the chant and focus on the real threats before them, and those who dig in their heels and decide that mages should still be oppressed bc of the dangers no matter what the chantry says. This would be such an interesting political shift to witness! And I’m sad we didn’t get this amount of depth

3) what happened to Solas’ followers? There was something so interesting to explore about having current elves helping him because they felt he was doing the right thing. We don’t run into any of his followers at all! And elves would definitely have more than enough reason to seek the world of the ancients and return to Arlathan given tevinter slavery and general oppression across Thedas, so what happened to that?

4) the only complex companion relationship that is allowed in-game is with rook and whoever was hardened with the treviso/minrathous choice. Otherwise, you can’t really have an antagonistic relationship with any of them. The only way to not progress a good relationship is to not engage in their content which I feel like is very weak writing. In DAI, you walk in on Cassandra and varric physically fighting and have to side with one of them. You can tell Cullen to keep taking lyrium. You can pick the wrong option in a companion quest and worsen your relationship. Where was that in this game?

5) the roleplaying, or lack there of. Sometimes I would pick the most aggressive option and it would still sound pretty nice, all things considered, where is my ability to feel differently outside of the very narrow window the game provides?

6) the STAKES of it all. The companions all seem very chill about things, all things considered. They are finding out things that would politically turn thedas on its head, and they’re having these calm discussions around a coffee table. I’m currently on my second play through, and it feels like none of these discoveries are given the weight they deserved, after three games of built up lore.

7) the gods’ allies. The motivations of the bad guys can pretty much be summed up by saying “want power” and that creates such shallow villains. Like yeah, obviously they’re bad bc they just want power and don’t care about people, but what about villains that do care about others? Villains that are complicated? I mean hell even though Alexius was mostly like “yes corypheus power” there was that grounding aspect of him wanting to save his son who was sick. I don’t feel like we had anything that tangible or real from major villains in veilguard

Ok, long post, but I do feel like BioWare has started to shy away from nuance and gray areas in a way I don’t like. It is important to show the complicated perspectives of evil people because that is the same thing we have to deal with irl. As an action-adventure game, it’s fine, but veilguard can scarcely call itself a true rpg. I don’t know, my feelings about it are complicated but all I know is that this game was quite disappointing to me especially compared to DAI, and I want to hope for better from the next game but given the way their BioWare’s last couple releases have gone I can’t say I’m expecting a lot. Anyway, how are yall feeling fr?

[yuzurujenn]

[2024.11.01] AERA x Yuzuru Hanyu Photobook "Gi" - Interview

[What Hanyu Yuzuru Was Thinking During the Aera Photoshoot]

—For this photoshoot, we changed the set and outfits, and shot in various different scenarios. During the shoot, music was always playing, and the moment you hear those songs, your expression and body immediately react. This left a deep impression on me.

I do react to music, yes. When I think about using this set, this outfit, and this makeup, I sometimes wonder, "Does this really suit the music being played?" So, sometimes I deliberately try not to match the music too much, while at other times, I think about how I can better match the music in certain moments. I was thinking about these kinds of questions during the shoot.

—If you were in a world without sound, how would you feel?

Well, even without sound, there are still unique expressions that can emerge from silence. I can still feel the atmosphere on set or think about what effect each set is trying to convey. I think, if there were no music, my expression might lean more in that direction, focusing more on the visual elements rather than sound.

[The Harmony of Heart, Skill, and Body] —In sports, it's often said that "heart, skill, and body" (Shin-Gi-Tai) are all important. Among these, I'd like to hear your thoughts on the "skill" aspect. When you hear the word "skill" in the context of "heart, skill, and body," what image comes to your mind first?

The image of "heart, skill, and body" in my mind is like a well-balanced triangle. Ultimately, when we focus on "skill," we realize that both "heart" and "body" are involved. So even when we isolate "skill," it cannot fully capture the essence of what skill truly is... So, if asked, "What is skill?" I think it is both "heart" and "body." They are not separate; they are always interconnected. Hmm... For example, if we take a jump as an example, without the physical strength and muscle power to support it, or without enough mental strength, it just won't work. It’s difficult to isolate "skill" and discuss it alone.

[The "True Essence" in Every Field] —Over the past year, as a skater, have you experienced any internal changes regarding your technique as you've refined your skills?

I feel like I’ve been spending more time thinking about "performance." Even in daily life, I’m constantly thinking about it. My way of thinking about my skating, and my thoughts on each of the programs, have clearly deepened.

—Where do you think this change comes from?

When creating new ice performances like "RE_PRAY" after "GIFT," and when working with my own performances, I began thinking more deeply about what I need—essentially, "What kind of technique do I need to achieve this kind of effect?" I must carry these deeper thoughts into my daily life. Until now, in my skating career, I’ve never really studied ballet or dance seriously. I’ve just been imitating and copying the moves of the choreographers. That’s how I’ve come this far. So, I feel that my foundation isn't solid, or rather, I don’t have a specific level of technical skill—I've just been copying what I see. But now, I’m starting to observe the movements of true experts in those fields, and I’m thinking about whether I should move like this, or like that. I am learning from them.

—After two years as a professional athlete, what has changed significantly for you compared to when you were an elite competitive skater?

Before transitioning, I was very much confined by figure skating, and most of my time was spent thinking about my figure skating performances. But now, during the creative process, I’ve gradually become clearer about the idea that "this is something I can achieve through figure skating, but that I can’t." So now, I’m actively learning how to use my arms and body in different ways.

[The Importance Beyond Jumps] —In a previous interview, you mentioned that "your abilities haven’t caught up to what you want to do."

That’s exactly why I feel I need to keep learning! When we think about technique, our minds tend to get drawn to jumps, but the technique beyond jumping is also very important. In fact, if the techniques outside of jumping aren’t solid, many aspects will look messy. From this perspective, simply saying "I managed to land the jump" is far from enough.

—From my outsider's perspective, it seems like your technique has evolved and become deeper than before. But from your own perspective, is it really that simple?

I do believe I am evolving. I’m definitely skating better. But it’s still far from enough. Because I keep delving deeper into it, my ideals are constantly growing, and the specificity of what I want to express is constantly increasing. The more concrete my ideals become, the more I realize the small deficiencies in my movements—like the subtle imperfections in my body language. I start noticing things like the angle of my hand being off by about 5 centimetres, the direction my body is facing, the position of my face, the direction of my gaze, even the way I breathe. While others may not notice these details, it's these small things, which I’ve neglected until now, that make me painfully aware of my lack of skill.

—Don’t you find it exhausting to keep striving every day for a better performance or for your ideals?

If every day were easy, I probably wouldn’t have any confidence for the rest of my life. It’s precisely because I push myself hard every single day, working tirelessly even through extremely tough days, constantly researching and refining, that I’ve been able to gain a bit of confidence. But that confidence isn’t "I can definitely do it, so I don’t have to worry." It’s more like, I know how to execute a certain performance or technique, and because I know what to do and actually do it, I gain that kind of confidence.

—This photobook is being released in early autumn. How do you plan to spend this time?

Right now, I have something I’m planning, and I think I’ll definitely be putting in effort toward it. At that time, I’ll probably be thinking about how I want to skate better than I do now, and most likely, every day I’ll be thinking "I just want to give up," or "I want to run away..." But… how should I put it, in the end, I never really ran away, and I kept pushing myself, didn’t I?

Source: https://weibo.com/6473801248/OFlBmeYol https://weibo.com/6473801248/OFBKdyEV0 Info: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/4023323756

[latoyalestrange]

ghost of our love

s. sallow x gn!reader

(inspired by real events in my second HL playthrough made possible by the companion mod lmao)

summary: a map with messy sketches of landmarks was all you had to go on. that normally wouldn’t prove so challenging if you hadn’t been at hogwarts for all of a week and hadn’t gotten a chance to leave the castle yet. the remedy? a somewhat overconfident fellow fifth-year, who’s face hadn’t slipped your mind since the moment you saw it.

warnings: fluff, fluff, and more fluff &lt;;3 not edited!

words: 1.8k

you needed to use lumos, that much was clear. a bridge, some floating candles, a disheveled archway, some trees, and…hogsmeade? you took your eyes away from the dusty parchment for a moment to scan the boundless grounds that surrounded the northern exit of hogwarts. You stood just outside the courtyard with the gentle wind flowing through your hair behind you. Your scarf followed suit, protecting you from the dusk chill that nipped at your now blushing cheeks and nose.

you saw a few different bridges leading to what looked like an endless sea of forest and no floating candles. having already circled the castle looking for good amount of time, you realized treasure hunting was a lot harder than you had anticipated. you eyed the map again, searching for the missing piece of the puzzle.

being at hogwarts so far had taught you many things. one of those being honing your ability to focus. casting ancient magic required great amounts of focus and discipline, as did any spell. sometimes your ability to drown out distraction came to your benefit, and other times— well, other times it just made it easy to sneak up on you. and, of course, sebastian sallow loved it.

“searching for buried treasure, are we?” the familiar feeling of your soul jumping out of your body momentarily rushed over you, an instinctively deep breath entering your lungs.

“for the love of merlin, sallow! don’t you know it’s rude to sneak up on people?” you pouted, clutching the parchment to your chest. your chest heaved as your heart settled and he just chuckled looking at you. you hoped the heat rising in your face would be excused as wind chill.

you couldn’t help yourself around him. around everyone else you were cunning, witty, and charming, but in front of him, you were a awkward school-girl, tripping over your words at every turn and blushing at his every remark. the flirtatious slytherin boy picked up on it immediately and it pulled him to you “like a moth to a flame” as he described it to his closest friend, ominis.

“yes, actually. i just like to knock you down a peg. the ‘chosen one’ ordeal is going straight to your head,” he replied sarcastically, gesturing to your head with a poke of his finger. you swatted his hand away, unamused.

“i’m not the chosen one,” you mocked him, returning to your map.

“that’s what it sounded like to me!” he retorted, but you didn’t bother responding as your eyes locked on the sketches again.

“hey, is that the entrance to the forbidden forest there?” he invited himself to investigate the clues, pointing to the rocky archway in the center. he leaned in to get a better look, closing the gap between the two of you. at that very moment, you were pretty sure you forgot how to focus because you couldn’t even try if your life depended on it. the wind carried his scent over to you as he started to fill your senses.

“yes, there’s the bridge, the entrance, then the trees and hogsmeade to the northeast…that’s just over there.” your gaze followed his hand, indicating to the furthest stone bridge from you and if you squinted, you could see the forgotten archway. he casually grabbed your hand, starting to lead you in the correct direction.

“i don’t remember agreeing to this!” you called to him as he walked swiftly in front of you, trudging through the wild grass to cross in a more direct path.

“you didn’t!” he called back, turning to meet your eye with a mischievous smirk falling to his lips. you stifled a girlish chuckle and jogged lightly to catch up to his long strides. after finding your way back to a path, the bridge was just a few paces in front of you. you eyed the forest’s edge, wondering what might be hiding behind the thick brush. you stop just before the bridge and sebastian notices your distant stare.

“don’t tell me you’re afraid of the forbidden forrest. nothing you can find in there is worse than what i’ve already seen you best.” he assures you.

“i’m not afraid! just thought i heard something…” you trail off, leaving the two of you in silence for a moment. you listened to the wind howl around you, taking in the path you could now clearly see you were meant to take. you took a deep breath and held up your wand.

“lumos.” now you wear leading the way across the stone bridge, scanning the space around you for any reaction. then, as if they appeared out of thin air, a few flickering candles began to float into your view, taking you across the bridge and under the ancient-looking archway that held several warnings against your very actions.

“ah, following floating candles into the forbidden forest. this should be interesting.” you welcomed sebastians familiar sarcasm. at the present, even though you previously denied it, you were trembling in your little boots. the countless duels didn’t scare you because you were at the advantage. no one expected a 16 year old to wield such powerful magic, so you were always underestimated. it was aggravating, but it gave you the upper hand when they were too shocked to cast back.

in the forest, however, you were left vulnerable with so many possible blind spots and vantage points that enemies could hold against you. it made you nervous, to say the least.

"we're looking for a large, dead tree..." the both of you continued to hold your wands up as you followed the candles deeper into the forest. owls cooed and dugbogs crooked in the distance, saving you from the awkward silence. If only the peaceful ambiance and captivating nature around you could calm your nerves too.

"ah, here we are...just a bit further i presume." his casual and confident tone ignited a warmth in your stomach that was fairly new to you. you couldn't quite put your finger on it, but being in his presence, especially hearing his voice, made your entire body buzz. you weren't sure what to call it, but you knew you wouldn't be able to keep your feelings hidden much longer if it kept recurring. you wouldn't be able to bare it.

"jackdaw didn't exactly tell me what i was looking for. we could be walking into anything," you admitted, biting your lip as you realized how far you had traveled.

"jackdaw? i doubt he would give a map of certain death to a student.

"you should've seen where i had to go to find the blasted map,' you retorted, causing the boy to snort with laughter. without thinking, you giggled along with him, your eyes meeting for a brief moment. you looked away instinctively, but the furious blush on your cheeks still remained.

"look! just up ahead!" he swiftly passed you, following the candles around a sparse, rocky path with a large brush on either side. you found yourselves on a landing looking over a charming river, an overgrown wooden bridge going across it. the bundle of candles that led you here joined a larger swarm that lit up the romantic scenery in front of you. an iron set of two chairs and a matching table with more candles and a bundle of wildflowers as a centerpiece. the flames flickered like shining stars that surrounded you, illuminating the various flowers and shrubs planted around the table.

your heart instantly started pumping faster in your chest as you searched his expression for a reaction.

"you could've just asked me on a date, you know," he teased, looking around at the scenery.

"i didn't--"

"i'm only teasing, calm down now," he held a defensive hand up and interrupted you before you could respond. "treasure!"

you followed his sight to see a shiny bronze chest with a lock clasped around the opening. he immediately tried it, just in case, but no luck.

"just our luck..." he scanned the area for a clue and you followed suit. while investigating the table, you noticed a tiny glowing swirl in each seat. you looked back to the lock to see a matching light coming from it as well.

"sebastian...i see something." he rushed to your side.

"what is it?"

"the seats, they're glowing..."

"okay, are you sure this wasn't a secret plot to get me to go with you? you really didn't have to do this--"

"enough, sebastian." you rolled your eyes, and he broke.

"alright, i apologize, that was the last time. i promise." he couldn't help from chuckling at your furrowed brow and twisted mouth. you hated when he said it, but he found you incredibly adorable when you were angry. you sighed and he silenced himself, clearing his throat.

"okay, i think it's pretty clear what we're meant to do." it was his turn to show a flustered demeanor as he straightened his robes, looking at you from the opposite end of the table.

"right..." you fidgeted where you stood before he finally gained the courage to round the table, placing both hands on the back of your chair. his hazel eyes met yours, almost asking for permission. you nodded and he pulled your chair back for you, watching as you took your spot in it. the grass floor prevented him from pushing your chair forward, so he lifted it to set you down further beneath the table. he returned to his original stance, facing you as he fixed his suit once more before sitting down as well.

the candle's glow grew significantly, lighting up the area as if a street lamp was just above. you heard a prominent click-click come from the chest as the lock fell to the ground. you almost turned to look at the chest, but your eyes were locked in with sebastian's, unable to falter. he looked breathless, almost. completely and utterly taken aback.

"sebastian? are you alright?" he blinked as if your voice brought him out of a trance.

"yeah, just...you look stunning right now." he admitted honestly.

"oh! thank you." the redness in your face returned just as quickly as it faded. silence fell on both of you again. he seemed deep in thought as his gaze fell to the table.

"sebastian? the treasure?" his head popped back up, and reality set back in for him.

"right. you're splitting that with me, by the way." he was back to his cocky self as he stood to investigate the chest. you followed suit, rushing to catch up to him.

"you wish, sallow."

"is that so? you wouldn't have been able to open the chest without me here, would you?" he taunted you as you joined him next to the bronze treasure.

"fine, but you're getting us butterbeer after this." he opened the chest, revealing what looked to be around 250 galleons.

"I don't think that will be a problem."

[professorspork]

I hope this doesn’t come across as like a pushy “update pls” I promise that’s not how I mean it. I’m curious at what point you feel like a multi-chapter fic is ready to post? Do you write it in its entirety and then edit chapters in between updates, write and edit it in its entirety, write most of it and continue writing the rest between updates? I’m very curious about your process since you’ve been writing some monster word count fics

I really appreciate you asking!

The short version is that I've learned over time that what works best for me is completing a work in its entirety before I start posting; above all I like posting on a reliable schedule for my audience, and I simply do not write quickly enough (or coherently enough) to do that any other way. There are a lot of reasons for that and I WILL ELABORATE ON THEM AT LENGTH:

I have several multi-chapter WIPs from the Glee days-- when I was in college-- that I never finished because I'm a delicate hothouse flower when it comes to maintaining hyperfocus, and I found a new fandom to be in before I could complete them. Back then especially, I was much less disciplined about writing sequentially: I would write parts of the story wildly out of order, focusing on whatever interested me most at the time. That means my hard drive is a graveyard of unpublished content, which sucks-- not only did I never give my audience the resolutions they were looking for, but I never got to receive feedback on parts of the story I was really proud of. I found that really dispiriting.

Going to grad school for screenwriting really helped me focus on telling a story in order, because there is literally no other way to write a screenplay than one scene at a time; it's far too reliant on momentum and consistency to jump ahead to "the good bits" and come back. I also did several projects-- writing my multi-chap Frozen&Tangled polyamory epic for a friend's birthday; pre-writing all my 2015 Cartinelli Week one shots far in advance so I knew they'd be perfect come posting day-- where I had a deadline I wanted everything Done By, which got me in the habit of writing to completion before posting. It wasn't something I thought I was going to be capable of because I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live feedback is incredibly motivating to me, but having the ability to go back and change things in chapter 2 if I realized they weren't adequately setting up what I wanted to do in chapter 5, or whatever, proved to be just as powerful a motivator in a different way-- it meant I could tell the stories RIGHT, if I took my time with them. I also learned to get at least one cheerleader I could leak snippets to as I went, so that I still got the dopamine hit of the feedback even though I'm ages away from posting for real.

I also found that, as a reader, I always really appreciated when authors could stick to an update schedule so I could look forward to new chapters like I would episodes of television. It's not a standard I expect from anyone, but it is something that makes me really happy-- and the two ways to do it are to either write fast enough that you're just constantly churning out new content (not an option for me, especially on the occasions when I'm actually employed and can only write on weekends) or to pre-write and then slow release. it gives me a feeling of... mastery, I guess? Like "hey everyone here's a gift I'm giving you," as opposed to writing and updating when I can, which makes me feel like I'm always chasing something (BEING chased by something?) and risking losing my audience/my own fickle concentration if I were to wait too long.

My "ONLY post after everything is done" rule is a new one, because I burned myself on rely on certain certainties, the last D/s epic I wrote (lmao can you tell this topic interests me). I worked on that for a year and was 132k in with no end in sight when I started posting, but I was part of a Kristanna discord at the time, and I wanted to seize the audience I had before it disappeared-- which is always the danger of movie fandoms, which never have as much staying power. I had hoped that because I had such a big buffer I could keep writing ahead of the updates as they came up from behind, but I tapped out at 172k when I finished the end of an arc. That kills me, because I have SO MUCH unreleased content for that story which will never see the light of day, because-- again-- I'd let temptation win and wrote ahead to The Juicy Bits instead of forcing myself to go in order.

So, two things I've learned:

Only ever outlining the juicy bits that come late in the game, instead of lovingly finessing their every word, is a great way to trick motivate myself into continuing to write in order so that I can GET to the juicy bits, full stop; if I don't exorcise them they keep haunting me and that helps me stick it out until the end

By holding stories back until they're complete, I give myself the ability to complete them because I'm able to dig myself out of holes I've written myself into. In the old days, if I got stuck because I realized the real root of my issue had come chapters earlier and that's why it's not working now, I'd just... be stuck at that wall, unable to move forward, and that would be that. The idea of going back and editing a published story for narrative content is mortifying to me and something I personally could never do, so-- this way I'm giving myself more tools and options, so that I can tell the story I want to tell and tell it right.

In terms of my actual process, I tend to work like this: my most productive time is when my ADHD meds are at full power, so in an ideal world I am writing new content from like 10am to 3pm or so, getting as far as I can in New Content. Evenings, when I'm no longer in Hyperfocus Productivity Mode, I'll go back and reread things-- sometimes chapters from much earlier-- both to entertain myself and to make edits and changes. Often, that's just moving words around here and there for cadence and flow; rarely, it's adding whole new moments or thoughts to the chapters. I try to write In Order as much as possible, getting chapters beta'd as they're completed. I'm a nitpicky perfectionist, so keeping a hold on my early chapters until everything is posted means I can change them over and over and over again without anyone knowing but me, which I love-- and those changes are getting made right down to the wire. even when the fic is "complete" and I'm "only posting" I'm still making edits; some of people's absolute favorite parts of Newsbees were added literally the night before, when it was the "get everything into AO3 and do the final pass for typos and formatting" stage. Like, Penny writing sudokus on the fly for Ruby at the hospital? Ruby thinking in Adam Font? Those were 11th hour strokes of genius.

So yeah-- that's a very long-winded way of saying that I've found writing to completion first not only makes me more likely to actually finish my WIPs, but it makes my WIPs BETTER because it gives me far, far more time with them. I know it's not something that works for everyone, but in terms of my own sense of like, duty and responsibility and goal-setting, it keeps me on track without risking Guilt completely paralyzing me-- which is what happens when I post as I go and then get interrupted.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY RAMBLE.

[cog5]

An Audience with The King

I don’t even talk about kings in this post, but the North Keep has been added to my mega-dungeon, and there’s a throne room in there. That’s nine out of 12 locations, just three more areas to go and all my #dungeon23 work will be compiled into a single document. Feeling good about things, just need to keep up this pace.

The North Keep is a central location, where some very heavy encounters can intersect. Let’s dig in.

On the west side of the area, we have a pool of amphibious parasites who use human hosts as incubators to metamorphose into their final form. When I first wrote the draft for this encounter last year, I felt like it was one of my best, so I was really happy to return to it again. An “Alien” trope in a lot of ways, for sure, but I was digging my spin on it. 

The atmosphere of the bathhouse area is creepy in both the map image and the writing. It was nice to lean into some classic horror elements, which I have not really used in the mega-dungeon so far. At least not to this degree.

I think this work over the past year (and then some) has made me really think about pacing and encounter variety. There are definitely some recurring themes and encounters in my mega-dungeon. And in the past, with smaller dungeons/adventures, I tended to focus on asking myself if the themes and encounters were cohesive, if they felt like they belonged together. 

But now I’m thinking, does making things cohesive also risk making them boring? Or predictable? Is there enough variety in the themes and encounters to keep things interesting for the players? 

Even just editing this bathhouse/parasite encounter has made me really appreciate the “spike” that can occur here, where something truly different can happen. I’m thinking players will enjoy that, too. Something I’m going to be thinking about the next time I write, for sure. Structured, cohesive themes, and whether or not I’m building in opportunities to break out of that structure when needed. 

Ok, so that’s the west side. On to the east side, the dining hall. I’ve had this idea in the back of my mind for a while, for a “wizard party” encounter. In most adventures, players usually deal with one main antagonist. “Evil Wizard” is a classic, of course. But what if, unbeknownst to the players, that the evil wizard happened to be throwing a dinner party with all their evil wizard friends? The players have been expecting to find one evil wizard, but now they’ve run into four, each with different personalities and abilities. And they’re not going to take too kindly to the interruption. That’s the premise of the east dining hall encounter. I’ve mixed it up with six arcane egomaniacs to add to your guest list.

There’s a lot more in the North Keep, the page count is higher than any other area so far. There’s a big boss battle that opens up access to the next floor, a vault full of treasure (basically a mini-dungeon on its own), and a big ol’ chunk of background for the setting, that explains how things got to this point (if you’re into that kind of thing). It’s nice to get all of this out of my head and onto a page, finally. The first draft was almost like creating 365 dots. Now I’ve had a chance to connect a lot of those dots.

---

What Have I Been Reading?

The Choir By Mobile Hut (Evlyn Moreau, Lett Morrison, Casey Jones, Roxanne B.)

Picked this up at the beginning of the month. I’ve been a fan of Evlyn Moreau’s work for a long time and she always manages to work with an amazing crew of collaborators. This is a short,  solid, adventure for Mörk Borg with a touch of investigation and a unique “spooky house” to punctuate the session. Lots of little twists and turns, and a good cast of NPCs with clear connections for the players to bump into.

A clever highlight for me was an encounter mechanic that states: After an encounter, the player character who was the most passive receives a Blood Forest Vision. And then there is a table of unique visions to roll on.

Really loved this, beyond the fact that the visions give the players a glimpse into what’s coming their way, it also gives a more laid back player a special moment that they can play out however they want.

I definitely recommend this one if you’re looking for a short adventure. Even if you don’t use it for Mörk Borg, I’m sure it could be easily adapted.

[caffinatedcastiel]

explodes you

i read your fic (very interesting so far) and you said youd like to talk turtles ‼️ whats your interp of bad future donnie?

Is explodes

Hello there, my first turtle caller. I’m very happy to answer your question (with some information omitted to avoid spoilers for my Leader Future Donnie fic)

Im going to mostly focus on Donnie’s role as leader here- since that is probably where my interp of future Donnie differs from most fanon, but I can go into his interpersonal relationships and other details at another time too if that is of interest.

I like the concept of Donnie taking the lead at the start of the invasion due to Raph and Leo’s conflict that we see at the start of the Rise movie. Raph has learned from the end of the series that their way of life is not just dangerous, but is life-threatening. He’s seen this through Splinter’s memories and the death of Karai. So post-series and pre-movie, he wants to impart that onto Leo so he doesn’t have to learn it the hard way by losing people. Leo sees this as a lack of trust in his abilities and a criticism of his leadership, and gets defensive as a result. They both want to see their family succeed and thrive, but ultimately get in their own way while doing so. They are teenagers, they get insecure about their place. It unfortunately happens to play into a larger conflict they had no knowledge of.

This conflict and strife is what brings the team to fail circa the start of the first Krang invasion. Leo and Raph’s fears both come to light when they lose and resentment has the opportunity to boil over and poison the team’s dynamic. As such- neither are in the right mental or emotional headspace to lead effectively.

Enter Donnie. Donnie already has had a few lessons in leadership without actually taking on the position in the past. We can see this in a few circumstances.

In Donnie’s gifts and Mind Meld, Donnie is doing what he thinks will be best for the team. He gives his brothers technological aid (just as he has given himself with his battle shell) and enhances their mental performance (in a way that is exactly like him, focusing on intellect rather than other points of knowledge). And it doesn’t work because his brothers are not Donnie. He is the brother that probably understands best that trying to get people to do things the way he would, rather than they would, is not the way to lead.

These circumstances also help to expose Donnie to failure. Of the turtles, Donnie has had the ability to fail and recover quite often (Lair Games anyone?). To fail is to be a scientist. It doesn’t paralyze his decision making process as badly as it might with his brothers. He just pivots to find the next thing that could work. (and some things he’s just bad at, but he does anyway!)

Additionally, I headcanon that Donnie is the turtle that came to terms with his and his family’s mortality first out of the brothers. The creation of his battle shell is especially telling here, but a majority of his tech also reflects this. The Turtle Tank having defensive and offensive capabilities, Donnie’s gifts, the Donnie pods… Donnie knows that at any point, something can come around that can hurt his brothers and take them out of his life. So- he chooses to focus on evening the odds rather than despair over the possibility.

I also headcanon this as to why Donnie is less in tune with his mystics at first. Hamato Ninpo is triggered by the desire to protect the family. Donnie’s always been able to protect his family with his tech. It’s only when that fails that he needs to look inward for other options. (Example- Raph unlocks his mystics when he jumps after Leo from Big Mama’s roof. Donnie didn’t need to. He had his tech to protect and catch Mikey). And it still manifests in the way he has protected his family in the past- through manifestations of things he can build.

While this has led him at times to feel that his tech is his best and only contribution to his family, he has also had opportunities to accept that isn’t true. This is especially evident during his time in Witch Town. He failed, seemed discouraged and hopeless about who he is and what he is able to do- but April pulled him out of that. It is just really unlucky that Leo didn’t have that chance as leader. His first major obstacle just happened to be near unbeatable.

End-all-be-all: Donnie understands he can’t do everything himself. He understands that he needs other people to succeed and people have areas of knowledge that he may not understand that will push them to their goal of survival. He’s grown out of his pride to an extent and is able to see how to make up for his weaknesses with other people’s strengths (though his ego still can surface, he is still a kid after all).

These experiences and details all combine into how I see Future Donnie operating. He makes sure people are put into positions where they can thrive and in positions where they can fail safely. He doesn’t want people to get discouraged at their odds, so a structured environment that is built for learning and growth is his focus for regular, non-leadership positions in the resistance. He’s seen how pressure has impacted the people in his family (including himself) and doesn’t want the life threatening and dangerous world they now inhabit to lead to an implosion of panic and hopelessness through any level of his ranks. He knows firsthand that is the best way to lose.

He also employs this logic with his inner circle. Mikey is a particular asset when considering the well-being of people during their day-to-day operations. April’s extensive experience from her many different jobs makes her personable and versatile in assigning positions. Raph and Casey aid in training staff and soldiers and Leo focuses on scouting and recon. (Donnie also makes sure people have a rotation through positions they are good at, positions they like, and positions that they need multiple people to learn. He doesn’t want anyone to feel like they are “just the science guy” or anything of the sort. He feels that the focus on roles in his family did ultimately lead to the divide that got them in this mess).

I like to think that if the Krang were any less unbeatable and Donnie and his family actually had time to prepare in the way they did with the Shredder- Donnie’s leadership would be successful. He got an impossible hand, but also does help queue up their actual success in the movie.

This turned really long- and I apologize if it isn’t exactly the answer you were looking for. But I absolutely love the purple turtle and could keep going on and on if I don’t force myself to stop here. Thanks again for the question ❤️

@docaid

[floorworm]

That guy is off his rocker for approaching you like that the way he did. What he said was insanely invasive and pedo creepy like.

I however will say this though. I only feel like it’s important because at 15 I was worried about minor things like if my silly bands matched my outfit or when the next episode of big time rush was coming out. Nowadays it’s so common for people to start thinking about sexual identity as young as 10 years old and that’s something that’s just not ideal because it’s a milestone you ideally don’t have full range of romantic motion with until you have adult freedom/experience.

You are pretty young and highschool typically isn’t the precedent for the dating pool or best general reference point for what you are and aren’t interested in as far as sexual orientation. Mainly because the maturity level (of others not necessarily you) and the perimeters in terms of how far you take things in the relationship. Usually the extent is bf/gf, mall hangouts, movie dates or seeing eachother in school. That’s different than having full ability and to take things further as you would an adult relationship taking big steps and crossing into new territory so it’s hard to really make a decision if you’re completely okay with a dynamic with a partner of a certain orientation while you’re only in the prerequisites of adulthood.

Just basically keep your mind open and don’t focus and hone too much into that sector while you’re still so young. You have ample time to navigate romantically. If you have a gist of it for the time being that’s totally cool but don’t take it at face value so early on because you haven’t had the opportunity to experience a full fledge experience and delve into why or how you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to.

Also some make it a trend and claim they’re bi and treat lgbtq+ as a bandwagon until it doesn’t “suit them anymore. I knew tons of people who did this in highschool.

Then there’s the people that tend to feel like the lgbtq+ community is the only place they feel generally accepted as a person so they kind of just fall in line with lifestyle and leave it at that. I’ve seen so many friends that are treated horribly or bullied (not for being gay because they started off as straight) because they just have different personalities and weren’t popularly accepted so they just decided to give up on normalcy and hetero relationships because they feel alone, unwanted, unattractive and mistreated among the people they are. So they become apart of the lgbtq+ community and they just adapted to it. I love and support them regardless but it hurts me to know they felt the need to change what they were attracted to simply because they made a very big decision early on and now they struggle more because they’re at war with themselves.

Just make sure that you give yourself time to grow, mature, and allow yourself the time to grow into who you are before having your mind set on one specific orientation. Whatever it is, make sure you ask yourself why and what makes you feel that way. As long as your answer has nothing to do with anyone else except yourself then okay but just make sure you’re giving yourself time to make sure what you want is what you want. This is something you shouldn’t carry so heavily at a young age which is why it’s advised to “be young while you can”. Romance is a rocky battlefield and you’re still so insanely young and romance/relationships in an adult environment is a totally different ballgame and nitty gritty than highschool romance. So just make sure you allow yourself the time to know who you are and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to figure out what you like just because others claiming to have figured it out before you.

I can’t quite explain it but it’s just a different wave altogether romantically when you grow older than when you’re in highschool. I hope you’re not offended in any way. I’m an ally through and through because I don’t believe in discrimination of any sort. Everyone deserves a home, friends and family no matter who they’re attracted to. I just think it’s important to not put too much pressure on yourself to have it all figured out so early on in your growth as a person.

🩷

Hi, not offended at all!

I'm well aware that my identity is subject to change. I'm young and inexperienced, and I've cycled through tons of different labels while doing my occasional check in on myself.

Right now I'm using the label lesbian, because that's what feels right to me right now. It best labels the experiences I've had and helps me understand who I am right now.

It’s possible I realize this label is inaccurate to me, as has happened before, in which case I'll simply re-acess and look for something that describes me better.

I like labeling myself. It helps me find community in other people with similair experiences. It helps me feel less alone when the way I work doesn't fit with most people around me.

What I feel is ever changing, and when I realize I've mislabelled myself I simply take a step back for a while until I feel I've come to such an understanding of myself that I can confidently use a different one.

To me this has been a long road of self discovery, and I may very well not fit this label at all a year from now. But right now, I do fit it, and reading up about it and engaging with the community is giving me a sense of belonging.

I might change and I might not. And that's okay with me.

[silvertherogue715]

Hello! How are you doing?

I wanted to focus on Slur for this ask I don’t know a lot about them( I thought they were someone’s oc originally ;-;) so I’m curious to learn about your version of them :)!

Knowing that Slur is a GVC-Navi were they treated differently than the NEC-Navis? And does this impact their attitude and their response to negative emotions and NEC-Navis in general? 

Do they have a special role if any sort? I assume that Slur has a role similar to Terra’s own too as second in command but being different types of navis is their a difference in the positions each one holds? 

And does being a GVC-Navi give them different abilities than any NEC-Navis might have? 

I hope you have a good day/night! And thank you!

Hello lovely! I am doing well, thank you! I just returned from a trip to see my best friend graduate college. It was so much fun! How are you?

Slur is an official character from the MMBN Anime. Click their name if you’d like a direct link to the wiki! Essentially, she is a villain (somewhat major but rarely fights herself) that carries out Duo’s will. I WISH I could make as cool a villain as Slur lmao. 

But for your next question:

My version of Slur is pretty similar to her anime counterpart: cold, calculating, prideful, and strong. Unfortunately, Slur does not show up much in the anime, and was not given much depth as a character, so I really only had those main characteristics to build off of. 

She is more hands-on in my AU as far as combat goes, and serves a pretty crucial role in the end of Arc 2 and mid-to-late Arc 3. In my AU, anyone who works under Duo has a title of “Sentinel”. There are only 4:  Slur, Rai, Lai, Moon (fusion, doesn’t count), and Minx.

Though, only 3 ever exist at a time.

—

Viren society and the concept of GVC (good-vibes/positive energy crystals) and NEC (negative energy crystals) is a concept unique to my AU, not in MMBN. I definitely took the majority of my inspiration for the civilization from translated notes, especially info on the crystals and how emotional energy could be converted into something usable. Notes on Terra were also helpful for a better understanding of Hyper Energy Crystals (HECs).

Although, HECs in my AU are like…unbiased versions of GVCs and NECs? They’re not a source of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ emotional energy, but rather a mix of all kinds. The Virens just found that it was easier (and less explosive) to figure out and mass-manufacture energy crystals pertaining to one ‘type’ of emotion over another (positive/negative). They never figured out how to create a crystal using both. An unfortunate side effect of this, however, is that as the Virens developed–with these crystals serving as both a massive source of energy and cultural identity–stigmas naturally began developed surrounding navis created to harness certain ‘types’ of energy (NECs vs GVCs). Different types of navis also held different abilities:

NEC Navis:

Negative energy makes them stronger

Can absorb and emit negative energy at will.

Helpful for easing or removing feelings of stress from individuals.

Can ebb the source. Does not exactly make you happier, though.

Too much absorption can take a toll on a Navi’s emotional state.

Can also increase feelings of stress/fear/etc, especially if the Navi themself feel emotionally unstable.

Must demonstrate strict self-control over their emotions so as to not become easily overwhelmed and risk hurting others.

Can become sick if exposed to positive energy for too long. This includes being extremely happy for long periods of time.

Can form weapons/tools/instruments with their crystal.

GVC Navis:

Positive energy makes them stronger

Can absorb and emit positive energy at will.

Helpful for giving others happy, positive feelings, but cannot take away the stressor.

Can give you something else to focus on!

Too much absorption gives them something of a high.

Needs little to no self-control training: if they’re bummed out, you don’t also get upset. If they’re super happy, so are you!

Can also drain positive energy if needed (like in cases of mania, maybe? But rarely ever happens.

Can become sick if exposed to negative energy for too long. This includes being extremely sad for long periods of time.

Can form weapons/tools/instruments with their crystal.

Originally, the roles balanced each other out. Somewhere along the way, an opinion formed that NEC navis enjoyed the pain of others. After all, someone would whisper, they were specifically made to consume ‘evil’ things, why wouldn’t they enjoy it to some degree? And then it slowly warped into “they’re made with evil”.

Which is really depressing. ESPECIALLY knowing that because NEC navis had to exhibit such strong self-control and aid others at their worst, they were some of the kindest, most empathetic individuals to exist in Viren society. 

*Sidenote 1:

It is extremely dangerous for NEC Navis to become warriors/soldiers if they do not have excellent self-control: sure, they’re crazy OP in a stressful setting, but they are also prone to losing themselves in a power high if not taught otherwise.

Case in point: Mars. 

Hot-headed but literally designed for battle. Extremely powerful, but lacking a support system that would have otherwise helped him keep his temper in check on the battlefield or in public. By the time Sunstar found him, joining the Stardroids was Mars’s last hope to avoid deletion.

*Sidenote 2: 

There are many Viren societies. The primary one in my AU (that create Slur/Duo/Sunstar/the stardroids) travels throughout space on a comet-like ship looking to find another planet to live on. Then they find Earth! They only set up shop on Earth for a couple hundred years before everything goes south, though. The Virens have a home planet, though, and it is not Earth. Teleportation (which requires energy crystals) is a big part of travel to get to and from different locations, too. 

Just assume when I refer to “Viren society” that I’m mostly referring to the individual one that sets up shop on Earth later.

—

Having now given you a small lore-drop, back to Slur!

Slur is ehh… let’s say a “puritan?” One of the navis/Virens of the opinion that negative energy is “evil,” and all NEC navis by extension. She also believes that all GVC navis are “righteous” and “good” (unless their minds have been poisoned). This includes herself, naturally, and makes her especially obnoxious to be around as Duo’s (time-justice Navi God character) second in command. 

On Viren-Earth, she refused to speak with Sunstar (“that repulsive creature”) and only Terra could manage to get ahold of her. Terra is her rival, and both have a mutual hatred for the other.

“Positive energy puritans” (pep’s) or not, a lot of Viren’s subconsciously held a biased mindset towards NEC navis by the time they arrived on Earth from years of misinformation and paranoia. Notably, less NEC navis were being made in response to all the PEP hate–who wanted exclusively positive energy to power their societies–which meant there were fewer and fewer as the years went on. The main power source of all Viren civilizations is Negative Energy crystals, since they’re easier to make (negative emotions fronting easier than positive ones and all that).

So, was Slur treated differently? Yes.  GVC navis were favored over NEC navis in the public eye.

This is a ton of info and I hope it’s not too overwhelming! Let me know if you’d like anything clarified!

[alfgifu]

Fic analysis 39. Rough handling

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51809101/chapters/130984120

Word count: 7,416

Chapters: 3

First posted: 24th November 2023

Last chapter up: 26th November 2023

Summary: 

Handling would certainly be needed this evening. I could feel the slight tug on the rope at my wrist as I pulled Kip along. His easy ability to keep pace with me made this less than satisfying as an outlet for my – frustration, call it frustration. (Better not to invoke fear, or fury, or any of the wilder emotions that shook and swirled beneath the parts of myself I deemed appropriate for you to acknowledge.) He had endangered himself. Deliberately. (I had no words to express my outraged panic on his behalf.)

Kip knew he was in trouble, of course.

How and why this came about

This was another fic that started as a chat, turned into a livefic for a few friends, and then sprouted out into a doc and AO3 publication of its own.

In this case the line of thought was around the way that Kip would be able to get involved in politics in his position as the emperor’s concubine, and the difference his role would make to the ways he could exercise influence. Accepting a risk to his life, as he does in canon, would be far more visible to his Radiancy and most definitely forbidden.

The other thought that went into this fic was that his Radiancy would struggle to distinguish between his own ‘unacceptable’ desires (for sensation, for multiple partners, to be absorbed into a crowd and no longer set apart, to not be in charge) and Kip’s (Kip would be largely uninterested in sex if it were not now his core competency and most valued asset). His Radiancy is also unable to draw boundaries between real and play punishment. Having slid so far across his own moral event horizon he is, as the tags of another fic say, bad at boundaries.

What worked and what didn’t

One recurring theme of evil!household is that Kip is, for the emperor, an exception to all his usual rules. On some level he sees Kip as an extension of himself and - in most of the fics, through most of the AU - nobody calls him on it. I’m pleased with the quiet moment in this fic where his Radiancy is careful to listen to and respect Ludvic’s preferences at the same time as he is ignoring and overriding Kip’s, which really crystallises the concept.

I’m also pleased with the depiction of sex, with the way the narration loses focus as Kip is losing focus, and with the continuing stark contrast in perspectives between Kip and his Radiancy and those around them.

What I learned from writing it

This fic (and evil!household in general) definitely improved my ability to write erotica. Mostly in a depraved direction, but when I came back to softer sex scenes in future works I think you can see the improvement there too.

I was also getting better at tagging and naming fics, and really enjoying working through the crunchy emotional and moral dynamics that the scenarios threw up, as well as their impact on those involved. Cognitive dissonance fascinates me and so do bad choices and messed-up power dynamics - we all encounter these things and engage in them in our own lives, and this sort of story lets me as an author push that into an extreme that reveals so much about human nature.

One thing I didn’t think much about at the time but have realised through this exercise is how rapidly I dropped all the early e!household fics. A chapter a day between 18th and 26th November 2023 to get this far - I had a backlog, because I hadn’t wanted to post any of them while still uploading Cross your heart. At the time I didn’t think much of it… I had been posting something almost every day for months, and just kept going with whatever was next in the queue. But on reflection it was hardly fair, in contrast to the level of care I took around floating CYH, that I just pinged out this whole raft of content in a separate dubcon-to-noncon AU immediately following that without at least taking a slight break.

Now that I’m writing less and looking over the range of things I have written and posted, I feel like I’m seeing more of the dynamics around how posting impacts on the way people see and interact with the fic. None of this is terrible, but it does make me want to be more intentional about what I’m doing going forward.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hello!

Hope you’re doing great today.

How do you become your best self- like operating in your full Potential? There’s a girl I know of who’s super popular on campus and she’s great: a model, may be doing pageants one day (I encouraged her), and is super smart. Recently on IG I saw she’s at Harvard Business school studying and she has a major in Political science.

I’m an English major - couldn’t attach myself to any legal studies because it wasn’t for me and I get insulted by family that I should be doing something other than English (they look down on the major).

So I find myself comparing myself to her because I am trying to do different clubs, and speak up and be all that I can be. But I’m not seeing anything changing for me.

I get over looked a lot, and it’s a new school for me (I’m a transfer student) so that’s added.

And I’m so lost.

I often looked down on my degree, I do believe I should be a speaker or go to galas and study things that holds influence. To be a woman of change but I don’t see that. I haven’t gotten any scholarships for holding events for clubs, nor do I get recognized.

I feel like I’m not doing enough and I feel inadequate in my abilities (I literally took a creative writing class with fifteen other poets for a special class and the Professor would constantly nit pick at my writing and say I have to revise - and the other students would be praised for their writing. And I actually thought I was a great poet til that happened. And he’s a poet himself, and well known so that hurt. And was embarrassing cause my peers weren’t helpful or encouraging either. They would just stare at me while he critiqued my work).

Not sure who I should be.

I’m not even good at the things I thought I was good at.

But when looking at my acquaintance- I see such great things going to happen for her in her future (all well deserved).

Hi love! You sound like you're doing great for someone in university, honestly. Most people, especially at that age, do not take the time or energy required to self-reflect and think critically about how they can improve/ thrive in their environment instead of blaming external circumstances for any obstacles they face. You sound very emotionally mature, which I'm sure will take you far. Having so much uncertainty and little support is so difficult, so know that your feelings are valid regarding why you feel uncertain and like you're losing time in this current moment.

While it is easier said than done, comparing yourself to others is a waste of the time and energy you can be spending on ideas, hobbies, and activities that make you happy/help you reach your goals. Please know that people putting you down for being an English major is very closed-minded. There are so many career paths you can pursue with an English degree (signed someone who almost did one, lol) – copywriting, PR, social media/content strategy & creation, UX & technical writing, broadcast journalism, reporter, editor, screenwriting, etc. Also, he is one poet – that is an opinion, not a general consensus. He might be a professional and have considerable skills under his belt, but that does not make his words gospel. Writing quality can be fairly subjective. However, the way he singled you out is awful – I would talk to an advisor about this unprofessional behavior.

The best things you can do in a situation like this are three-fold:

Focus on taking care of yourself. Block out what others, especially critics, think or say about any choices you're making that don't hurt anyone else. Try to establish some healthy routines (meals, walks, workouts, studying, skincare, reading, etc.) to feel more in control of your day-to-day life

Sit down and reflect on the activities that give you energy, what you're passionate about, and the goals that you would most like to achieve in the few years after university and the immediate ones while you're still on campus. For example, it sounds like you're interested in writing, public speaking, and fancy events. Find resources to get good at these skills and ways to get yourself in your desired work environment (internships, temp service work for special events, etc.) Maybe consider potential career paths like PR or speech writing. Consider creative outlets like making a podcast, TikTok, or Youtube videos.

Make it a priority to develop confidence in yourself and an unwavering sense of self-trust. I feel like an old lady saying this, but you're so young and have so much time to figure it out. Everyone has different histories, traumas, resources, and advantages/disadvantages in this life. Spending time ruminating over those of others and comparing notes is taking away the energy and creativity you need to pour into constructing your own life and identity.

Hope this helps xx

[charles-and-camilla-fanfictions]

Assassination Attempt (part 1)

Thinking back, she is almost certain she felt the moment the gunman fired that first shot as a streak of pain through her heart. Her body goes cold and every hair in her body stands on end. Although she is aware she possesses no demonstrative psychic abilities, she is as sure about this as she is about the ghost in her former house. That phantom did nothing more than tease her with the television. This feels much colder, much more threatening. So when she switches on the nine o clock news and sees the words ’Gun Man Fires Two Shots at Prince Charles,’ she’s not surprised. Apart from the shock of the report, she sits stoney faced yet surprisingly calm. Her husband is tiptoeing around her, grating on what’s left of her nerves but he puts a lit cigarette in her mouth and even through her agitation, she inhales gratefully. The cold has returned to her body but with intermittent prickles in her back and around her neck which chill her further.

“And now to our main story tonight. Whilst on tour in Australia, an unnamed gunman shot two shots at Prince Charles before leaping upon the stage, coming within a metre of the Prince before being taken down by security.”

“Darling, he’s quite alright. You can see from the video.”

“Thank you Andrew, I’m not capable of watching the television without your narration.”

“You didn’t know?”

“Evidently not.”

“He ought to have warned you.”

“What, like you did, you mean?”

“Camilla, that was different. I was dealing with the aftermath of a terrorist attack. I lost my men that day. I wasn’t thinking about you.”

“I know. I’m just saying, this is not the first time I find something out on the news.”

“I’ll get you a whisky.”

“I’m fine.”

“Your hands are shaking.”

It’s true. Her hands are shaking so badly, it’s difficult to raise her cigarette to her mouth. “Yes.” It takes her a moment to focus her eyes on him, everything feels so far away.

“Jesus, Camilla, you’re not going to be sick are you? You’ve gone so white.”

“I’m fine. A whisky would be good.”

He doesn’t give her a minute to sink into her thoughts. Each time she replays the clip in her head, he’s demanding an answer to a question, saying her name and pulling her back to the present until she’s drunk so much whisky her tongue comes to life.

“Why didn’t you ring me? I was worried sick!”

“Are you talking about The Prince or about me?”

“The Prince isn’t here. Obviously, I’m talking about you!” It’s so easy to be angry with him. The fear she felt the day of the IRA bomb mixes with her rage with Charles. “I was sat in front of the television, not knowing if you were dead or alive. You couldn’t be bothered getting someone to inform me?”

“He might not have known this would be picked up so quickly by the world’s press…”

“I’m not talking about Charles, I’m talking about you!”

“You’re angry with him and you’re taking it out on me.”

“Don’t get all psycho-babble with me! You’ve no idea what I’m thinking.”

“Okay, I’ll bite, I didn’t inform you because I was the commanding officer at a terrorist site and I’d seen dismembered soldiers in my unit lying dead on the street, horses mangled and screaming and there was a high chance it wasn’t an isolated incident and I knew that I could be blown up at any second. Is that reason enough for you?”

She puts down her whisky and grimaces, the embarrassment of admitting she is in the wrong colouring her cheeks pink. “I’m sorry.”

“Damn right you are.”

The look on his face is unreadable as he stares at her but she doesn’t feel anything other than anger. Anger at being put in her place. Anger at being disregarded. She picks up the bottle and pours it into her glass, glaring at him in disbelief as he takes the bottle off her.

“I think you’ve had enough.”

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do.”

“Actually, I think you might be needing me to tell you what to do just at this moment. You’re acting very strange.”

She feels very strange. Perhaps it’s the numbness that’s creeping through her body, firing off all her nerves into anger. She feels heavy and far away from the world.

“I feel sorry for the poor bloke who was in charge of his security. That’s his job gone.”

“Too right!”

“And the wives of the men who jumped in front of the gun man to take him down…”

That makes her start. What if the gun had not fired blanks? At that range, he would have been dead, the bullets would have ripped through his skull and blown out his brains. The lack of any sort of emotion on his face. He knew and he didn’t care. Suddenly her heart races to action and she feels a cold sweat drip down her back.

“Camilla, breathe normally.”

“I’m breathing.” She is. Breathing so hard to try to fill her lungs which seem to refuse to be filled.

“You’re hyperventilating, Darling, try to match my breathing.”

But she can’t. She can’t see anything other than the dead in Charles’s eyes as he looked at the gunman with scant interest. How he pushed past his security, not caring about his safety, to watch. How easy it would be for some mad person to take him away from her forever. And then she’s crying, these enormous sobs which consume her and Andrew keeps on trying to comfort her but she feels a flash of cold ice each time he touches her, making her shrug him off. Eventually he settles for handing her tissues and giving her a cushion to hold against her chest, which she squeezes as tight as possible.

The phone rings and she springs to her feet but she’s so light headed, she sinks down again and as her brain spins back to central, she hears Andrew answering.

“Yes, Sir… Very well, Sir… I’ll let her know.”

“I want to speak to him!” She mouths at him across the room but Andrew frowns at her, shaking his head.

“Upset, as you’d probably imagine, but you know Milla. She’s a tough nut… I’ll let her know. Goodnight, Sir. Sorry, good morning, Sir.”

“I wanted to talk to him!” Her voice is a growl across the room and the tears still sound in her voice.

He walks back to her with a sneer, sitting on the arm chair opposite her. “You wanted to talk to him in that state? I won’t let you embarrass yourself like that.”

It’s a flash of anger rather than hysteria which hits her this time. “What did he say?”

“I’ll tell you when you’ve pulled yourself together and stopped crying. He’s going to ring later. You can’t talk to him in that state.”

“He won’t care.”

“Yes he will. The man’s just had an attempted assassination attempt and you’re the one crying? He’s not ringing you to hear you sobbing down the phone.”

“Don’t be cruel.”

“I’m not. I’m just being truthful. You know what he’s like.”

It’s a dark bitter feeling to know that she is wrong and he is right. She can’t cry down the phone to him. It would only panic him. Crying is only for when they are together. When she can hold him tightly in her arms and keep him safe from the world.

“And you need to sober up. He’s ringing you at 11pm. He said there had been a lightning storm and the power went out overnight.”

That’s better. At least there was a reason. She looks at Andrew for the first time in relief and starts wiping away her tears, blowing her nose. She can feel the whisky in her head but she knows she’ll be able to sober up when she needs to. She’s not worried. Once her legs stop shaking so badly, she gets up and heads to the kitchen, lighting the hob and pouring herself a large glass of water. A few minutes pass before Andrew shuffles in and she serves out the leftover stew into a bowl, gesturing to Andrew, who nods, before doling out another bowl. They sit at the kitchen table in silence whilst they eat the stew.

“Did you cry when you found out about the bomb?”

Andrew doesn’t look at her and she takes a sip of water before answering, “No. Not until I knew you were alright. Before that, I was too shocked to cry.”

“So you cried with relief?”

“Yes. I suppose so.”

“Like you were before?”

“I don’t remember but I don’t think so. The children were there.” She’s lying. She remembers it clearly, sitting the children down and explaining what had happened. Remembering the tears which ran like streams down her son’s face and trying to console him by telling him what a hero his daddy was. She was one of the lucky ones, not having to explain her husband’s death to her children. How would she even begin to articulate the death of a parent to two young children? It was unimaginable.

He nods. “Good.”

“Why good?”

“I wouldn’t have wanted you to feel like this.”

“It’s just emotion. I feel better for crying. I needed to.”

“Was I right to stop you from talking to him?”

“Perhaps.” But she’s lying again, trying to make Andrew feel better. Just hearing Charles’s voice would have soothed her far more quickly than anything else.

She makes to tidy away the dishes and he stops her, clearing the table and putting them in the sink for the housekeeper to wash, flicking the switch of the kettle to make a cup of tea. “You look much better now. You’ve got colour in your cheeks again and you’ve stopped shaking. You scared me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ve never seen you like that.”

“No. I know.” Of course he hadn’t. She wanted him to enjoy his time with her and caring for a crying woman wasn’t high on his list of pleasures.

“We’ve been married for twenty years and I’ve never seen you that upset. Have you ever been that upset with me?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve hidden it from me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you hide it from him?”

She wonders what he wants to hear before shrugging and telling the truth. “Sometimes, if I don’t think he can cope with me being upset.”

“Only sometimes?”

“Never when we’re together. When we’re together I don’t need to put on an act. But when we’re apart, yes.”

“Why have you hidden it from me?”

“I didn’t want to make you angry, or give you a reason to not want to come home to me.”

“Jesus, Camilla. Am I that shallow? No. Don’t answer. What’s changed?”

She looks at him, her eyes sad and he drops his face to his hands.

“You no longer care…”

“Andrew, I care…”

“But only as a friend…”

“My dearest friend.”

“That’s a lie. He’s always been your ‘dearest friend’. You’re more yourself around him than me. You both turn into a pair of teenagers when you’re together.”

The kettle starts singing and she moves to stand before he stops her, taking his time to fill the tea pot, stirring it absently to speed up the diffusion before pouring hers out. He waits a minute longer for his, allowing it to stew and then pours, adding a dollop of cold milk to his and a slice of cut lemon to hers. As he hands the cup to her and sits down, the familiarity isn’t lost on her. The cup of tea is perfect.

“So, ironically, you let me know you better, now, because you no longer love me. Oh, Milla, I’m sorry.”

“What for? I wouldn’t change anything.”

“Does he make you happy?”

“What?”

“HRH, does he make you happy?”

“Andrew, I…”

“All I see is all the pain he causes you. The past two years, you’ve been so unhappy. Your name slung across the tabloids, trapped inside our house by the paparazzi. He’s made all our lives miserable. So I want to know, is he worth it?”

“Yes.” She blurts it out quickly, forcefully. Perhaps too earnestly but she means it with all her heart and she doesn’t want Andrew thinking anything else, for him to think she wants them to get back together.

“Have you got a dastardly plan to get rid of me so that you two can be together?”

“No! Of course not, Andrew!”

“I’m wondering what the point is, Camilla?”

There is no point to her and Charles. That is the entire point. Andrew wouldn’t understand, unless he was referring to the two of them and in that case the point was always the children. “Well you’re just waiting until the children are grown, isn’t that the point?”

“Yes, I am. Then I can escape this bloody circus.”

That hurt. She doesn’t bother hiding her face from him. He meant to hurt her with his words but now he’s looking repentant and he reaches across to squeeze her hand before encasing them both in his. It’s always nice to hold his hand, hers dwarfed by his. She gives him an out. “Are you planning on marrying Rosemary?”

“Possibly. What about you? Are you hoping to become his official mistress?”

“I don’t have any plans.”

“Oh my God, Camilla, you’re planning on marrying him!”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“I’m not. Your face. You’re planning on marrying him!”

“I’ll never be allowed to marry him.”

“That may be so, but that’s your plan. Jesus. You’re not even doing it for status. You just love him. You’re an idiot.”

“This is nonsense.”

“Yes. So we have about four years left. Charles and Diana are never going to last another four years… So you both divorce around the same time and then you attempt to marry him.”

“You’re talking fairytales.”

“Perhaps. Well I want a seat at the wedding.”

“Really, Andrew!”

“I can be your lady in waiting!”

“You’re a man!”

“Ah ha! It is a plan!”

“It is not!”

“I want to be front row at the coronation.”

“You’re delirious.”

“I think it’ll be a bit weird bobbing to you though. I might give that a miss.”

“Charles won’t like that…”

“Charles can suck my…”

“Andrew!”

“What? It made you laugh, didn’t it?”

“Yes… Yes, it did.”

“Let’s go back to the lounge. I want to sit in comfort.”

She doesn’t let go of his hand and when they sit down, she feels him pulling her to him and curls up against him, his arms wrapped around her. They sit for a few minutes, watching News Night before she pulls away, leaning instead into the sofa and raises her eyebrows at him as she plants her feet on his lap. He just smiles at her, pressing his thumbs into the sole of her foot from habit.

“Andrew, whatever happens, I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me. Perhaps you can grant me a title?”

“Give over.”

“Seriously though. I promise you lunch dates.”

“Lunch dates?”

“Yes. We can have lunch dates and it will all be very civilised. I’d like to bring Rosemary, if we’re still together then. We can all go out together.”

“Charles won’t do that.”

“His loss. We’ll have lunch dates. And parties. You can both come to our parties. But I do expect to be invited to yours too.”

“You are invited to our hypothetical parties.”

“Do you think you’re going to be the next queen?”

“No. Not really.”

“Does he not want you to be?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Ah. There, you see, that’s where I am better than him. I would make you my queen. No questions asked.”

“Thank you. I think.”

“Now all you have to do is tell him that. He’s so stupidly jealous of me, he’ll do it to spite me.”

“Yes, you’re probably right.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“So tell him.”

“No. It’s his decision or not at all. I don’t want anything from him. I want to be with him as an equal and the only way to do that is to go in with no expectations. If he wants to give me anything, that’s his choice. The only thing I want from him is his love. It’s the only thing I can give him in return.”

“Everyone has expectations. You had them of me. You expected to be married. A house. A garden. Children. You wanted a certain lifestyle and I gave that to you.”

“And look what that got me. Got both of us. We’re stuck in a marriage we’d both rather be out of but for our obligations. We’ve both fallen in love with someone else who we can’t be with. We’re so lucky to be friends but it’s not enough. No. Love. That’s my choice now. Just that. Anything else is a bonus. I don’t need it.”

“Are you saying you didn’t love me?”

“No. I loved you. But you didn’t love me. Not the way I wanted to be loved. And I was young and foolish and thought that you’d change. You’d settle down. You’d grow to love me back. That I loved you enough for the both of us. I was wrong.”

“I’m settling down now.”

“But not with me.”

“I would have happily settled down with you, Camilla. That was the point. You choose someone you want to grow old together with. But I can’t now. Because you’d be half a person if I made you give him up. Don’t deny it. I remember the first time I made you give him up for me. And I was of the understanding that you were quite pathetically in love with me yet it still hurt you to leave him to marry me. So I allowed you to cling onto him as a friend.”

“I didn’t require your permission.”

“But I encouraged it. The second time I made you give him up was much worse.”

“That wasn’t your decision.”

“Ultimately, it was. I steered you both towards it and after his wedding you seemed to shrink. Everything about you was less vibrant. You were so quiet for such a long time, even though you claimed you didn’t love him. If that was your heartbreak to lose a man you didn’t love… I don’t want to be responsible for doing that to you again. I know it’s the real deal between the two of you. If you get ripped apart now, I’m not sure you’d ever be whole again.”

Surprisingly, she’s dry-eyed although perhaps that is because she cried out all the tears in her soul beforehand thinking about Charles. There’s none left for Andrew. “I’m sorry.” It seems so insignificant to her. What on Earth can the word ‘sorry’ do to atone for all that?

“It’s just bad timing. It took me thirty years to want to settle down with you. You wanted to settle down immediately. You could have coped with ten years. You were at your breaking point with twenty years. But thirty. That was too long. You gave up on me. I don’t blame you. Perhaps if you’d have taken many lovers, we might have been okay. But you’re not like that. You’re loyal. That was never going to work for you.”

“No. I’m not built like that.”

“Unlike me, he’ll appreciate your monogamous loyalty. Us two, we’re good together. We’re a really good match. But you’ve never looked at me like you look at him. You’ve never been that degree of desperate to answer the phone to me. I think you’re hopelessly in love with him, the all bells all whistles desperately in love epic like you read about in one of your novels.”

“Does it make you feel nauseous?”

“Completely. But I feel better for getting it off my chest. Thank you for listening.”

“Any time.”

“It’s almost time for you to wait anxiously by the phone as if staring it it will hurry it up.”

“Don’t be mean.”

“I’m being factual. Time to listen to your other husband.”

“Don’t joke.”

“Just tell me one thing.”

“What is it?”

“Tell me that I’m better in bed.”

“Oh! I don’t remember. It’s been too long.”

“No! I can’t have that. Tell me I’m better in bed. Surely I’m better in bed?”

“Andrew, you were quite exceptional in bed.”

“I know that. It wasn’t my question though.”

“Well, sex just gets better with age, doesn’t it? So it’s not really a fair comparison between now and then.”

“Does it? I think it peters out, personally…”

“And it’s definitely better the longer you’ve been with somebody…”

“Hmm… I’m not sure I agree with that either… Hold on, have you been sleeping with HRH for longer than with me now?”

“With Charles? I think so.”

“God it must be dull.”

“Perhaps I enjoy dull sex?”

“You don’t.”

“No, I don’t, you’re right.”

“Could you imagine the two of us having sex now?”

“Not really.”

“It used to be really good.”

“Yes, it did.”

“I taught you everything you know.”

“How boring does that sound?”

“You’re not boring. I’ll give you that, Milla. Insane, yes, but boring, no. Never.”

“I’m calm now, thank you.”

“Don’t say I don’t look out for you.”

“I never would.”

“Duke… I would make a good Duke. Or a Baron. I’m not grasping.”

“If it were up to me, you would be a Duke, if that’s what you wanted, your Grace.”

“Instead I’m just a Brigadier and the Silver Stick.”

“What a lowly position.”

“Compared to what you’re going to be, it is.”

“I’m getting it.”

“What? The crown?”

“No! The phone.”

“It’s not…”

The bell sounds and she smiles, getting up and walking out of the room to answer.