#I’m mostly posting this for myself because I don’t want to mislead anyone who might actually be interested | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thefanficmonster · 3 years ago

Text

Filterless

Corpse Husband x Plus-sized Reader (Female)

Warnings: Body Image Insecurities, Low self-esteem, Swearing

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Feeling comfortable in her skin has hardly ever been the case for Y/N who’s been struggling with body image issues all her life. However, they only get worse when she sees the ‘type’ of girls her crush is into.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request (hits close to home 😅) I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to fulfill it and post it but here it finally is and if you’ve stuck around long enough to read it, I hope you enjoy! ALSO! - Never forget how beautiful and amazing you are. Never compare your beauty to someone else’s. We’re all beautiful people and we all shine so brightly and uniquely. No one deserves to be compared to anyone when we’re all so different yet so incredible. Love you and appreciate you with all my heart, Vy ❤

If I ever need my ego taken down a few notches - it never does, it’s barely even present, to be honest - all I have to do is go on Instagram. To be honest, regardless of how I’m feeling, opening that app is bound to make my mood plummet and come crashing into the ground so hard it drives a hole in it - probably in the form of a broken heart.

Being a content creator myself, I often get asked questions about my absence on that social platform specifically. I mean, the questions are based and rational I guess, considering I’m not a faceless YouTuber and yet my Instagram account is void of any photos. It’s not like I don’t post at all - I do! I post on my story often but it’s more often than not scenery I find pretty or a poster I’ve made for a movie/video game. Bottom line is: I barely ever allow a picture of me to make it online. The most my fans are ever gonna get of me is a selfie which is also a super rare occurrence because of how long it takes me to take and choose one I don’t hate.

Ok, but how am I supposed to find the motivation to post any sort of picture of myself when on my timeline I’m always faced with people worthy of posting pictures of themselves. People with such perfect bodies and beautiful faces. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or envious of those people - good for them! They know what they’re working with and they’re working it well. I have nothing against them, in fact, I love seeing people proud of their bodies no matter their size, shape or weight. Those are my role-models: people who are proud of themselves, their bodies, their attributes and capabilities and don’t hesitate to show them off. Those are the people I look up to but, deep down inside I know I’ll never be like.

Insecure about my body, having been referred to as ‘chubby’ and ‘squishy’ all my life. Inappreciative of the stuff I do: starting from my job as a graphic designer leading towards my job on YouTube - nothing I do, professionally or otherwise, satisfies me. Nothing I do is enough in my eyes because I feel incapable of ever being able to do enough. I’ve been called lazy and a half-asser a few too many times to be able to brush it off as a meaningless insult.

With these problems I’ve had with myself and my own perception of who I am and the work I do, I’ve never had the time for romance or romantic relationships. I second-guess the intentions of everyone who ever shows any interest in me because in my mind I’m nothing special and I have nothing to offer - nothing attractive or likable at least. That being said, I haven’t even been one to make heart eyes at others either. I busy myself with my job and some side-gigs, brushing off any relationship questions with the excuse that I’m ‘just too busy to be in a relationship’ which is technically true.

Having spent twenty plus years with that mindset, one can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself catching feelings for someone. And that someone just couldn’t be any other than the biggest YouTube sensation at the moment - Corpse Husband.

I’m close friends with Poki - her and I were roommates at one point too - so her inviting me to play Among Us with them wasn’t so strange. One or two games, I thought, nothing unusual there, just friendly curtesy. I wasn’t expecting to warm up to the group of famous streamers nor did I expect them to welcome me among them so easily, mostly because my channel is so small and practically invisible to the YouTube algorithm. But soon enough, I became a permanent member of the team, making friends with every single one of those YouTubers I practically thought of a celebrities.

This journey of branching out to other content creators has proven itself to be surprisingly pleasant and has packed my book of friendships to the brim. All of that came unexpectedly, along with a wave of new subs and a higher view count. However, as I mentioned, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I came to finally understand what my high school friends were talking about when they were head over heels for a boy - the butterflies in the stomach whenever he speaks your name; the importance of the laugh you share with him, how special and different it is; how cool it is to be impostors with him - ok they never said that, obviously, but it’s what I have as a substitute to the ‘when the two of you make eye-contact’ bullshit since Corpse and I have never seen each other in person. That is, of course, because of him being a faceless YouTuber and me being a self-conscious and insecure girl.

We do talk all the time though - texting, calling, chilling on Discord, you name it. Our conversations range from deeply philosophical to ones that might mislead someone into thinking we’re high. There’s no topic we haven’t touched upon and yet we still manage to find something new to talk about. We have plenty of similarities but we also never seem to run out of differences we slowly come across as we keep getting to know each other better and better.

And somewhere along that journey I ended up catching feelings.

Human nature of wanting to connect with other people, I curse you for what you’ve done to me.

You might think I’m being overdramatic about the whole ordeal and that this is just a normal, natural occurrence many people experience in their life - some even daily. Well, not only am I far from used to it, but it’s also taking a toll of a different kind on me.

It’s like a constant slap to the face.

That slap turned into a punch when Corpse and I started following each other on Instagram and I started getting daily reminders of how out of my depth I am with this crush on him. In over my head, especially when you look at all those girls whose pics and videos he reposts on his story. Imagine how that makes me feel, what that does to me - puts me back into the ‘Constantly not good enough‘ basket, the one I’ve been fighting to get out of all my life. In the past and in different contexts I could easily say that it was all just my mind hating me intensely but now - now that I know for a fact I’m not good enough and don’t fit Corpse’s criteria - it hurts ten times as much. I’m not one to do shit for someone’s attention or to attract someone’s eyes, but it really hurts my feelings. Often times, it also leads me to doing dumb things and making rash decisions.

Like the one I made two days ago.

Imagine me cringing and shaking my head at my own stupidity as I admit this: I, in a frenzy, ordered a whole e-girl getup with overnight delivery.

Wait, hold up, it gets worse.

I received it yesterday and spent the whole day regretting that decision, but then, in my most insecure hours - which was somewhere around midnight - I equipped the get-up, took a picture and posted it on my Instagram page. First full body pic I’ve ever posted on there. First pic I’ve posted there of any kind. There to stay, not to be gone in twenty four hours. First pic, and it’s not even of me. It’s of who I want to be in order to fit someone’s criteria. And that fucking stings.

As you might imagine, I’ve spent today’s day regretting that decision as well. Recently my mood’s been nothing but regretting rash decisions that have surfaced under the influence of my ridiculous, constantly-present insecurities. And I would’ve probably gotten over it rather quickly had I not received a message from Corpse that read:

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic“

I didn’t open the message, I peeped at it as it was a notification on my lock screen. It’s still there, an unread notification. It’s been two hours since I received it and I cannot think of a single thing to say in response to that.

Truth is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of so many things right now.

I’m afraid of becoming that girl in the photo, cause I’m most definitely not her.

I’m afraid of letting Corpse down by admitting I’m not her.

I’m afraid of what my own mind has made me do because it hates me so much and I’m terrified of what it might do in the future.

I’m afraid and stranded on things to do.

You can’t be her forever, you know. Being her won’t make your insecurities go away, it’ll only make them worse. Haven’t you learned that by now?

I sigh, frustrated and irritated with myself as I grab my phone and tap on the notification, finally deciding to face the music and allow my instincts to carry me through the interaction. Improvisation, that’s one of the few things I’m good at. Let’s hope it doesn’t fail me.

I’m just about to type out my response - not sure what it’s gonna say - when I give the message Corpse has sent me a second glance. I furrow my brows, finding there’s more to it than that peep through the notification let me see.

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic. You’re personality is so bright and colorful, I could’ve never imagined you were into the darks and blacks“

Because I’m not

I fail to realize until the message has been sent that my thoughts are exactly what I typed out and sent.

And honestly, I’m glad. It feels like I’ve spoken my truth, like I’ve lifted a huge boulder off my chest.

With that rare confidence in mind I go on and delete the picture.

In its spot, I post a picture I just now took - a mirror selfie in my homey get-up consisting of hot pink sweatpants and an oversized blue tee, my hair in a messy bun, my face free of make-up.

I caption it: ‘Oops, had the e-girl filter on for the last one. This is filterless me tho so...Hi 🥴’

A lot better, I’m surprised to hear my inner voice say. I hope I don’t get used to all this kindness on my brain’s part, probably won’t last, but damn if I don’t milk every second of it.

Just then, I receive a new message from non other than Corpse.

“Now that’s the girl I see when I think of you. She’s super cute 😉“

My, oh my, who would’ve guessed Corpse has a game like that - and by that I mean the ability to make me blush so intensely with only a text message.

Now ain’t that better than being someone else, Y/N?

It sure is, it sure is.

@maat-the-prescriptive @simonsbluee @save-the-sky @itsminniekat @hacker-ghost @bi-andready-tocry @imtiredaffff @jazzkaurtheglorious @hereforbeebo @fandomgirl17 @chrysanthykios @maehemscorpyus @loraleiix @letsloveimagines @annshit @i-cant-choose-a-username-help @enigmaticmaze @divine-artemis @waterlilypat @idontknowwhatthisisfam @evi-ka @classyandfabulous00 @redperson58 @lilysdaydreams @solowheein @mythicalamphitrite @axen-gers @luckygirl144 @nj01 @buddyemily @the-albino-lioness @stardream14 @gdhdkfnn @nomadicgypsyy @preciousskye @fluffysuicideunicornsworld @o-kaelin @manacharlotte @awkward-youtube-trash @lolalee24 @bonky-beerns @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian @strawbrinkofdeath @teenloves @tams0527 @browneyespinkhair @starstruckllamapuppy @daisychains012 @y0ulooked @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life @jula-pauline @melodykitty @just-that-bi-girl @crazybutconfidentaf @lowellshade @alphakees @bellero @weallneednamjesus @starryhanji @boiled-onionrings @husherstan @fockingwhore @melaningoddessthings @prettypastelpetals @haleypearce @godwhyamiawkward @y-napotat @daisychainyoonmin @little-miss-rebel3 @free-wheelin-bi-sexual @redmoon261 @darkacademic2 @wiseflamingoqueen @into-the-end @namikhai-i @nastiablr @thelittleplantlover @mirktuan @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny @vintagegothlover @easygoingtheatre @itsrandombooklover @miiaivi @emmybaybee @befourgolden @jjk-is-my-shit @eternalteaaars @spacebadgerx @princesslunalight @acequinn14 @samm48 @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa @fo-love @marishimomura-blog @therealglenncoco @cinnamonbun332 @killtherandomness @sanshinexxxsan @fee-btheweeb @press-lay @cathleenpotgieter16 @jazzydoesstuff @moonlxghtbay @forestrain2000 @hyunjinhugs @blood-of-fandoms @lovellylies @ukiyolixx @simpforhpcharacters @chrisdylan17 @parkerjisung @pedernille @theodonyous @wineandionysus @malfoystilinskii05 @morbid-x @coryisagee @jessewa26 @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365 @raeanneinwonderland @indecisive-empanada @gluttonypalace @loriane2503 @btsiguess-kpop @khaoticbunny @lucidlycactus @smiithys @rottenroyalebooks @kpopgirlbtssvt @fangirl-tc27 @fr0z3n-1 @notmesimpingfortechno @shotarosleftpinky @kunoi-chan @idk-whats-wrong-with-me @yikeroonie @goldenstarofthunderclan @poetry-and-tea @ama-do-writing-stuff @wishbonewolf @emeraldxhope @t0xick1tty @kusuinko @speakyourselfloveyourself @sophia902103 @lo-manburg @classsykittykat @dmgama @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee @btsiguess-kpop @akaashi-baby @gun-jong-simp @geschichtenfee @yerapotato-wp @browneyedgirl365 @thysagclub @sparklycloudnight @helloatomicshadow @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal @lucy-bunny17 @aaliyahh0 @katluckybear @boyleanti @straybids @franchesca-791 @cosmicstorm19 @averyisbackinthetrashcan @aomi-nabi @xlanawriter @allensimpsforcorpse

275 notes · View notes

shihalyfie · 3 years ago

Text

What went down with the DigiFes situation, from the community and translator perspective

I think the events of the last few days have gotten everyone in a huge fuss, and because everything got caught up in a lot of chaotic social media stuff, there’s been a lot of questions about what came from what and who knew what at what time. Fortunately, I happen to be:

Someone who’s a veteran in this fanbase and thus has a small handful of friends in this community, who also have their own friends

Someone who understands a little Japanese (although not as much as others in this community do) and therefore can read things in Japanese myself to some degree without needing someone else to translate it for me

So hopefully I can shed some light on what kinds of things were being discussed, and what was known and not known at what time in this fanbase with all of this.

The most important thing I want to establish is that there was no organized coalition or smear campaign. (Kind of ironic I have to say this when the topic at hand has so much to do with conspiracy theories.) I’m a veteran, I know friends who are veterans, they know other friends who are veterans but don’t know me at all. My friends usually agree with and like the same things I do, and I give them advice and assistance with my skillset when I can, and they return the favor. We pass things along through the grapevine, not through some super-secret club grapevine, just via the nature of social relationships and some Discord servers (multiple; again, not everyone knows each other). So these are my impressions of what happened, based on said grapevine.

How it all started

Konaka’s blog is long. Like, really long. Which is only natural, because he was recapping basically the entire 51 episodes of Tamers in excruciating detail, so no translator in this fanbase would be able to translate all of that and not lose their mind! So for the most part people who couldn’t read Japanese had pretty much given up on reading it (with maybe a few dedicated people using machine translation), and some people who understood Japanese would point out parts they found interesting, but for all intents and purposes it remained untranslated and not super-accessible to the mainstream. (Even the Japanese fanbase itself wasn’t super aware of the blog’s existence.)

So when that first post in May about 9/11 dropped, the people who did read Japanese started going “uh...”

At the time, the DigiFes stage reading hadn't been announced yet. So, in other words, everyone reading it only knew it as, functionally, him namedropping an alt-right YouTuber and praising his observations. The reaction from anyone reading the blog at the time was something along the lines of “disappointed and mildly concerned.” (Note the mildly.)

The posts in June about the Great Reset and the anti-vaccine sentiment were when people keeping an eye on the situation started to get really worried about how far this was going to escalate. At this point, I want to make something clear that may not be apparent to those who weren’t keeping up or who are outside the fanbase: Most of the translators and Japanese-reading people deliberately chose not to be too public about this at this time.

Why?

This is the irony surrounding the fact that said translators are now being accused of trying to further “cancel culture”: cancellation was absolutely not what anyone wanted back then! If anyone wanted to create a smear campaign, 9/11 conspiracies, the Great Reset, and anti-vaccine statements are already more than enough to make a starting case. But at the time, this was a blog that very few people (Japanese or otherwise) knew about, translating it would basically just boost its platform more than it would have had in the first place (which would be counterproductive), and -- well, let’s be real, it’s not hard to imagine that people might get reactionary over it, and people would go nuts. Was there any real benefit that would come out of that? Not really, no.

So at the most, those keeping an eye on it might have vented a bit on their personal accounts, but some even tried to self-censor with “[redacted]” or vagueposting, because this was a matter that needed to be handled with delicacy. Thus, there were “mild rumors through the grapevine” about what was going on, but those who knew were trying to hold back with restraint and mostly inform people quietly in the hopes of this not needing to become some kind of huge social media campaign.

(Also, to be a bit blunt about it, it’s really hard to be in front of someone who loves Tamers and is gushing about it and showing admiration for Konaka, knowing all of this and wanting to say something, but feeling like a jerk if you pop their bubble like “also, he’s probably an alt-right conspiracy theorist now.” Not to say that the ignorance-is-bliss concept is always a good thing, but...)

But since the blog posts in question were discussing the prospect of having his sentiments in fiction, everyone reading them was on edge anticipating what might be in store for DigiFes. The hope was that it might blow over. Hopefully, everything would be in the form of subtle themes with plausible deniability, it would all stay within the realm of “it’s not worth causing a fuss over this,” that would be the end of it, and we’d all move on with our lives.

Unfortunately, “Political Correctness is activating Cancel Culture” isn’t exactly subtle.

DigiFes and the aftermath

I think it’s too easy to assign too much responsibility to the fansub group that was indirectly responsible for breaking the news for all of this, but actually, the truth is, this would have gotten out anyway.

Even when the stream itself was going on, there were Japanese livebloggers, and there were also English speakers who caught on that something was happening with “the Tamers fighting political correctness”. Some hours later, an upload of the stream went live on YouTube, and quite a few people started watching it and caught onto what was going on. If the fansub group that released the now-infamous version hadn’t done it, I’m absolutely certain someone else would have eventually (perhaps in a different language first, but nevertheless). And even before then, information about what the hell was going on was already starting to circulate in broken and incomplete forms. That fansub solidified what was going on, and perhaps accelerated the moment the bomb dropped on everyone, but if it hadn’t been there, it would have happened much more gradually and chaotically.

On top of that, while the use of Western alt-right rhetoric (seriously, please do not try to bring the “injecting Western politics into Japanese media” argument here when all of us are asking him to take the Western politics out) meant that it went over most of the Japanese audience’s heads (hence your answer to “who approved this?”), there was at least one Japanese person who was politically savvy enough to call it out for what it was in disgust. (I’m not linking them here because I’m not dumb enough to fling them in a place where some of you trigger-happy people will go after them.) They didn’t even need to be super in-tune with Western politics to get it; they understood enough to tell that there were some pretty alarming extremist views in there. If they understood that much, it was naturally going to follow that the Western side was definitely going to become aware one way or another.

Even all that aside, at the very least, said fansub is accurate; imagine how much worse this situation would have been if someone else had taken it up and confused things further with a misleading translation, or, worse, deliberately messed with the contents. Basically, this debacle could have easily been a lot worse.

I don’t think anyone expected this to get as big as it did (as in, to the point mainstream anime reporters outside the fanbase picked up on it). There was a similar tri. reading back in 2016, but even a lot of the hardcore fanbase barely remembers it exists! These aren’t even supposed to be canon, either! But when you have that disclaimer at the front, and the contents are really like that, it was probably inevitable for it to become a social media sensation. I mean the contents...sure are a thing.

One thing I should point out about the disclaimer is that it only mentions the program itself. It doesn’t bring up the blog, and it doesn’t bring up who wrote this scenario, just the fact that the program contains alt-right rhetoric and conspiracy theories. Because it does! It’s not even technically praising or condemning the content within, it just says “we don’t agree with it”! What the group did condemn was...approaching staff about it (and especially starting a fight). Because, in the end, that’s what the disclaimer was for: a heads-up about what was in there, and an added reminder that the people translating this are just translating it for the sake of informational purposes. Or, in other words:

It was a content warning. Even without the disclaimer, there were many, many people who would have recognized the contents for what they were and been caught by it unawares, and become upset by it. There were many people who said that they were glad to have that there because it at least gave them some time to mentally prepare for what they were about to be slapped with!

It really, really was a disclaimer. When you have something that level of extremely politically charged stuff, it’s only natural to start suspecting that the translation group had an agenda (official translations tend to get this a lot when content is remotely political). But no, the translation group did their due diligence, even if their opinions were starkly opposed to what was in there.

I was not personally involved in that translation, but I’ll give you this (copy-pasted with permission, from someone who wasn’t technically involved directly in it but was privy to discussions while it was being done):

no we brought up all of those questions like the fact that Yamaki's clearly off his rocker and this isn't supposed to be taken seriously in the first place or that maybe if we're lucky he'll just sound like a fake woke boomer but no matter how you slice it the plot is about him "convincing" the unbelieving Takato and co. into rallying up against the true enemy of Political Correctness and that's just literally the alt-right playbook in a nutshell

the thing even made it to YouTube, we were basically racing against the clock

I mean I really want to say this is plausible deniability but I don’t know how you can get any less subtle than this, this is not something you can mince words

like I really wish we could pass this off as “as long as you don’t know the blog you can take this innocently as political commentary or something” but I honestly don’t think this is something you can take innocently even without context

tbh the Political Correctness part is the most cringeworthy but Yamaki’s rant about fact checkers being evil and all that is probably a lot more worrying when you think about it

tbh I’ve never felt as conflicted about what’s the right thing to do as I do now

So in other words, it was not a reckless decision to just tack on a political label; it was done after a lot of consideration about the consequences to put the label on and what people would think of it with or without context, whether there might be a glimmer of light possibility to try and pass this off as more innocuous as it was, and eventually a determination that, in the end, there was indeed alt-right rhetoric in the program, and should be labeled accordingly.

The result was that, of course, everything broke out on social media, chaos burst out, a lot of hearts were unfortunately broken, and a lot of alt-righters started invading spaces accusing people of proving him right with cancel culture. Ironically, my personal observation is that, while there were exceptions, most people in the actual fanbase did honor the requests to not harass people about it, and this may actually be the most solidarity I’ve ever seen from the Digimon fanbase in my life, which is saying a lot considering how we usually tend to be a drama magnet most of the time. The ones who were actually directly messaging him were his newfound supporters locking down on offering him “support against people trying to cancel him” (I think they were more heartbroken and upset at him than anything...), and most of the harassment came from alt-righters not even in the fanbase, namesearching and sending harassing, accusatory messages to anyone involved for as much as expressing mild dismay. (You want to talk about harassment and being attacked for having an opinion? Pot, meet kettle.)

This leads us back to the question of the blog: if you’ll remember, I just said that the fansub in question did not bring it up at all. That’s because, at the beginning, there was no intention to bring it up if it wasn’t necessary; this was not intended as a smear campaign. The warning was attached to the DigiFes program because it was about the DigiFes program. But the resulting chaos had a lot of people bring up the blog because it better contextualized what was going on, and discussion led to people looking it up themselves and posting fragments of it on social media, sometimes even using machine translate.

Ultimately, that’s the reason this document was released: it was the same reason as the fansub being released at the time it was, which was “if it hadn’t been released, the alternative was watching things get disseminated more slowly and chaotically.” I will say outright that I was one of the people who got to lay eyes on that document before it was publicly released (and even helped out with some advice here and there); it’s no secret that it was being quietly passed around as an internal memo prior to the outbreak. The original version of the document had a request to not post it on public social media because of the chaos it would cause, and while I don’t know how many people got to see it before it was released, I’m under the impression that it was enough people that I was quite surprised everyone who saw it respected that request.

Why does the document contain a ton of analysis and debunking on top of just the translations? Well, when you’re translating those blog posts, you’re technically giving it a bigger platform (which was one of the reasons it was originally considered better to not post it publicly). Since the document exists primarily to inform people, especially about why certain things that may seem innocuous actually have wider context behind them, it’s going to need to contain an analysis like that.

The summary

There were a lot of decisions involved by a lot of different people through all parts of this ordeal. I think it’s fair to criticize whether they were the right decisions in retrospect or whether certain things should have been done slightly differently (including my small role in this), but nevertheless, it was one where the risks involved were thought through and taken into account in every step of the situation, with a desire to avoid chaos, or at least prevent it from getting too much worse. When you have contents like this, a controversy honestly is inevitable -- how on earth are you going to be able to put contents like Yamaki reciting off all the typical alt-right YouTuber talking points and ending in Political Correctness activating Cancel Culture and not expect that to make a stir at some point? -- and so, in the end, this wasn’t so much a conscious attempt at stirring the pot as much as it was the dam finally breaking, and a desire to keep it from spilling over too much. Nobody coordinated this! I think everyone just really hates drama.

Knowing all the steps and thoughts that went on behind all of this, I think being reactionary or accusatory for clout is the last thing anyone involved wanted to be. Considering just how many of these steps above could have easily been made into exposure, from the posts all the way back in May and June to the internal memo document that was made to keep friends quietly informed but could have been leaked to the public with only one bad actor, there was an active, common desire among people who didn’t even know each other to try and minimize the potential damage as much as possible. When you look at the situation now, of course it looks awful and hardly like something that came out of “trying to minimize damage”, but in reality there’s only so much you can do when the contents really are like that, and I personally believe everyone involved was doing what they thought was their best option as the situation kept changing.

I can’t speak for anyone else, especially since I don’t even know most of the people involved, and I didn’t have much of a role in all of this, but I think everyone involved, myself and my friends and everyone who’d been keeping tabs on this situation for months, has been going through a lot of heartbreak and conflict over what to do next, so please understand that there was a lot of thought put into all of it, and that it really was a difficult situation no matter how you look at it.

#digimon #digimon tamers

110 notes · View notes

starshine583 · 3 years ago

Text

New Girl on the Block (21)

(Sorry for the late update, guys! Yesterday was CRAZY for me. Actually, this whole MONTH has been crazy! I haven’t been able to write in weeks :’( but thankfully, I’ve pre-written a few chapters so I can still post an update today. I hope you all are doing well and don’t forget to check out the mini series connected to this called Journal Entries!)

Ch. 1 / Ch. 20 / Ch. 22 (ao3)

Chapter 21: Elementary

Felix eyed the Dupain-Cheng bakery as he stepped out of his limo and onto the pavement. The open sign hung neatly on the front door, and behind it, the lights shined brightly inside. M Dupain-Cheng was manning the register from the looks of it, which meant Marinette either wasn’t home or wasn’t working. Both scenarios would suit him fine.

After a swift ‘thank you’ to his driver, Felix walked over and pushed open the bakery door. The entrance was noticeably different from the first time he visited- no mulling or fussing over manners and such -but the warmth that came with the charming patisserie was the same. Scents of cinnamon and vanilla wafted through the air, and the bright chattering of M. Sabine was as light as the customer bell that rang above his head when he came in.

A usual Sunday for the Dupain-Cheng household, he mused.

M. Sabine caught his eye in an instant, her smile brightening as she shooed off her current customer. The customer didn’t appear to be happy about it, but she clearly didn’t mind, because she continued beckoning Felix over to the register with a wave of her hand.

Felix strolled over as requested and managed not to tense too much when M. Sabine pulled him into a hug.

“Felix, it’s so good to see you!” She trilled. “What can I get for you? A croissant? A cupcake? Or are you here to see Marinette?”

Felix offered a small smile. “The last one. Is she home?”

“She is! Just take those stairs up- oh, but you know how to get up there already. You’ll find her in her room, but I advise you to tread lightly. She’s been working on some projects non-stop for the last two days.”

Felix hummed. Has she now?

“Thank you very much. I’ll be sure to buy some sweets for my mother on the way out.”

“Oh, don’t be silly! Tom and I can get a bag ready for you while you’re up there. No charge necessary!”

Felix chuckled softly and shook his head. Marinette truly did inherit her generosity.

“That’s quite alright. I have plenty of money.”

“As do we. Now go on up before Tom finds you and gives you another bear hug.”

The comment was enough to send Felix scurrying up the stairs (in a dignified fashion, of course). Tom was a wonderful man, but his bear hugs were.. not exactly something Felix would actively seek out.

He glided through the familiar hallways of the apartment complex until he found Marinette’s, then quietly walked inside towards the attic stairs, taking care not to bump or touch anything that would alarm her. If Marinette became aware of his presence, she might find time to panic.

Or hide things.

Felix climbed that attic stairs and lightly knocked on the trapdoor, waiting for an absent invitation to enter. Hopefully, her parents knocked when they came to her room too, or she was going to guess rather quickly that he wasn’t her father or mother.

“Come in!” A muffled voice called, to his relief. She didn’t suspect a thing.

He pushed open the trapdoor and climbed inside quickly, his eyes darting around the room before anything could be touched. Various things were scattered across her floorboards and furniture, namely things like unrolled fabrics or loose spindles of thread. She’d clearly been working on something, but what? How was he supposed to find anything in this explosion of colors?

Thanks, Claude.

Marinette gasped, bringing his gaze back to her.

“Felix!” She yelped, that predictable panic washing over her features. She shot up from her rolling chair and snapped her gaze from left to right as her hands flailed a bit behind her. It was almost like she couldn’t decide what to protect or where to escape. Did that mean the entire room was somehow a clue or only part of it?

Felix straightened, giving her a small, innocent smile. “Good afternoon. I hope I’m not.. interrupting anything.”

“Uh- No, no! I was just-” Marinette’s gaze flicked over her shoulder “-You know. Working on Claude’s.. Suit. What are you doing here?”

“You haven’t been responding to my texts,” He said idly, scanning the room again for good measure, “so I thought I’d come check on you.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Marinette’s surprise melt into annoyance.

“You mean your texts about the surprise?” she asked flatly.

Felix held back a smirk.

“Hm? You mean the surprise you mentioned offhand two days ago? Yes, I suppose some of them were about that.”

“You know this is cheating, right?”

“Cheating?” Felix nearly gasped. “I don’t recall setting any rules.”

“I thought it was a given!” Marinette huffed, though he caught the corners of her lips twitching upwards.

“Clearly not,” He replied with a smirk, “but by all means, if you have rules, I would be delighted to know them. I want to win knowing you had all of the advantages.”

Marinette scoffed, giving him a playful eye roll. “Well, first off, you can’t ambush me like this. If you come in while I’m working on the surprise, then of course you’re going to know what it is.”

“Are you working on the surprise?” Felix inquired, tilting his head to see what was on the desk behind her.

“No, but that’s not the point.” Marinette said, blocking his view from her desk anyway.

“Alright, then what should I depend on for my guess?” He asked in turn. “You’re words? You could be lying or giving misleading information, and if you did tell the truth, I highly doubt you’d give me any clues that you thought would help me.”

“True,” Marinette agreed, “but the bet was to have you guess the surprise.”

“An educated guess is a guess all the same.”

“An educated guess is an assumption based on prior knowledge and experiences.” She pointed out. “If you see my surprise, you won’t be guessing what it is from things you saw beforehand. You’ll just know what it is because you saw it directly.”

Felix hummed. That was a good loophole.

“So are you saying that the surprise is easy to make out once you see it?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Oh, so it’s not easy to make out?”

“Felix!”

Felix laughed. “So you want me to make a deduction based on what I already know about you? Is that correct?”

Marinette eyed him for a moment, seeming to search for a trick in his words, then sat down in her rolling chair again. “Yes.”

Felix nodded thoughtfully and walked over to the chaise, gingerly moving scraps of cloth and a stray, bush pin holder aside so he could sit down as well.

“Alright, let’s see.. What do I know about Mlle Marinette Dupain-Cheng? I know you are creative.. Thoughtful.. Clever.. Minorly obsessed with giving gifts.. And work mostly in the clothes district, though that doesn’t mean you can’t make other things such as dolls or fake jewelry.”

Marinette snorted, an amused smile crossing her lips. “Go on.”

“You’re also empathetic and incredibly intuitive, picking up on the things around you without a second thought while also managing to run into a pole that’s directly in front of your face.”

“Hey!”

“My point is,” Felix continued slyly, “you’re clumsy in your walk, but not your work. If you made this bet with me, you’ve no doubt guessed where I would look and tried to counter that already. The gift is either hidden where you know I won’t look for sake of privacy or out in plain sight where you don’t believe I’ll see it as odd.”

“How do you know it’s even in this room?”

He smiled. “Your anxiety. Putting the box in any other place would have you fretting constantly over who’s touching it or whether it’s been moved. Your bedroom is the one place you can hide it while also watching over it unceasingly.”

Marinette raised her eyebrows ever so slightly, apparently impressed, and it only made his smile widen. He’d been spot on, hadn’t he? The surprise was in her room!

“That’s very cute and all, but you still haven’t guessed what the surprise is,” She retorted, crossing her arms, “or who it’s for.”

Felix tilted his head in a nod. “Alright, let’s go through the possibilities. You have Claude, Allegra, Allan, and myself. Anyone else wouldn’t make sense as a surprise.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to keep it a secret.” He pointed out. “You’re keeping this a surprise because you don’t want the person being surprised to find out prematurely, yes? So telling me would only jeopardize that if it were myself or someone I’m with regularly, which is Claude, Allan, Allegra, and you, and you can’t exactly surprise yourself-”

“I could. You never know.” Marinette joked.

Felix chuckled. “Sure, but it would be highly unlikely. Moving on, I don’t think it would be Claude, Allan, or Allegra either, because, as you know, I don’t enjoy blabbing my mouth to others. If you were surprising one of them, you most likely wouldn’t have hesitated to tell me what the surprise was. There is the possibility that you’re just being extra careful, but I highly doubt it.”

“Therefore, in conclusion, you’re left with me.” He finished.

Marinette hummed, setting her elbow on her desk and leaning her head on her palm. “So you think the surprise is for you?”

“It’s my leading theory.”

“I see. Might I ask why I would make a surprise for you?”

“That wasn’t part of the bet.”

Marinette snorted. “What if I don’t want to tell you because I don’t feel like it? I don’t have to tell you everything about my life, Felix.”

“No,” he agreed, though a part of him would like her to, “but you wouldn’t have made the bet if you didn’t want me prying, now, would you?”

“Maybe I’m just a poor planner.”

Felix simply raised an eyebrow. Marinette’s plans might not work out the way she wants them to on occasion, but she certainly wasn’t a poor planner.

Her smile widened, clearly catching onto what he was thinking. “It could always be a possibility.”

Felix lightly scoffed and leaned back on his palms, his gaze sweeping over Marinette’s bed up top. It was neatly made, with nothing else surrounding it but a stray glass of water. That probably meant the surprise was on the lower portion of her room, since it would be hard to keep something hidden in a clean space. Could it be in one of her chests, perhaps? Or was he going to have to unravel one of her fabric rolls to find it?

“Perhaps I’m putting too much faith in you, but-”

A yawn cut off Felix’s remark, and he blinked at Marinette as she stretched out her free arm. Her posture was practically slumped against the desk, her cheek sagging against her palm as she slid further into it. Was she.. tired?

“Are you alright?” He asked, leaning forward to get a better look at her. Had those bags under her eyes been there this whole time?

“Hm? Oh, yeah.” She pulled herself back into a sitting-up position, attempting to rub the grogginess off of her expression. “I just hadn’t realized how tired I was until I stopped working.”

Felix frowned. “When did you last sleep?”

“Uh.. What day is it again?” She glanced down at her computer. “Saturday.. I think I got some sleep yesterday morning.”

“Yesterday Morning?” He repeated, flabbergasted. M. Sabine had mentioned Marinette working non-stop on her projects, but he didn’t think she meant it literally. “Why haven’t you been sleeping?”

She offered him a half shrug. “I didn’t mean to stay up this long. I just keep getting into the zone with Claude’s suit, and it makes time fly by.. Plus, my insomnia was getting to me again. So, I figured: Why roll around in bed relentlessly when you can do something productive?”

“You need to rest.”

Marinette tossed her hand in his direction. “Nah. What I need is to go get one of my mocha frappuccinos. Actually, can you get it for me? It’s downstairs in the fridge.”

“I’m not getting you a frappuccino,” Felix stated flatly, “but I’ll get you some water. Have you eaten anything today?”

“Uh.. I think I ate a macaron sometime this morning?”

Felix sighed and stood up from the chaise. Why was he not surprised?

“I’ll find something for you to eat then as well.”

“Felix, you really don’t have to do that.”

“No, but I’m going to. You can’t work on a project while you’re half-dead, after all. It’ll only lead to mistakes.”

“What are you talking about?” Marinette drawled. “Being half-dead is when most of my inspirations come to life!”

Felix pinched the bridge of his nose, though a small smile tugged at his lips. Sometimes he forgot how much of a mess Marinette could be.

“I’ll be right back.” He said, pulling open the trapdoor.

Since Tom and Sabine were still working, the main housing area was empty, so Felix was able to slip down into the kitchen without a problem.

He went to the fridge first, though he wasn’t entirely sure what to give her. M. Sabine told him to ask her for snacks if they needed any, but she would probably only bring them sweet treats. Marinette hasn’t eaten anything but a macaron since this morning, so she needed something healthy. Would fruit work? What kind of fruits did she like? He’s seen an orange in her pre-made lunch every now and then, but did they have any oranges here?

He closed the fridge and glanced at the counters. They were mostly covered with kitchen utensils, but he did spot a bowl of apples and oranges on the island, along with a few bananas on a hook nearby.

Perfect.

He snatched one of each fruit, then got a cup from the cabinet and filled it with as much water as he could. Hopefully it wouldn’t spill on his way back up.

With food and water in hand, Felix carefully trudged back up the stairs to the trapdoor. He switched all of his fruit over to one arm and pushed the trapdoor open, keeping a watchful eye on the water while doing so.

“Marinette, do you like oranges more or..” Felix trailed off as his eyes landed on Marinette again. She was slumping in her chair now, and her eyes were completely closed while her head was tilted to the side at an odd angle. If that didn’t bring him to the realization that she was sleeping, the snore that came a few seconds later certainly did.

Felix almost laughed as he continued into the bedroom. She fell asleep? Within the two seconds that he was gone??

“Marinette, you truly are incredible.” He whispered to himself, setting the water and fruit on her desk. Should he wake her up? She’ll probably be embarrassed if she finds out she fell asleep while he was there, especially after claiming she wasn’t that tired.

..On the other hand, leaving her be might give him a bit of an advantage..

Felix smirked, carefully tip-toeing away from her sleeping figure. Where was she looking when he mentioned the surprise again?

~~~~~~~

Marinette squirmed under her blanket, twisting herself to become more comfortable on the fluffy material underneath her. She’d forgotten how soft her chaise was, or how the memory foam helped her sink into it just right.. Maybe she should try sleeping on this more ofte-

Wait a minute.

Marinette cracked an eye open, glancing around her room with a frown. Since when was she lying down on the chaise? Hadn’t she been sitting in her rolling chair a moment ago? With-

“Felix!” she gasped, lurching upwards. Where was he? Did she fall asleep while he was in her room? Why didn’t he wake her up? Was he still in the house?

Marinette threw off her blanket and stood. She didn’t see him anywhere in her room, but that didn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t there. He could be downstairs in the living room, or talking with her parents in the bakery. Did he see anything while she was asleep? What if he found the small cans of paint behind her fabrics? Would he be able to figure out the surprise from that? What if he found the surprise itself?!

Seized with panic, Marinette raced up the ladder that led to her bed, then scaled the next ladder that led to her balcony. She threw open the trapdoor and poked her head outside, glancing around again.

The platform was empty, thankfully. No Felix in sight. And the little pot in the corner next to her beach chair looked to be untouched as well.

Marinette let out a relieved sigh and walked over to the pot, carefully picking up the fake plant that she’d placed on top of it. Inside, past the plastic that covered the top in case of rain, she saw her package sitting snugly, right where she’d left it. Thank goodness she decided to hide it the night before, otherwise Felix would have won their bet as soon as he stepped inside her bedroom.

Marinette put the fake plant back where it was supposed to be, making sure the plastic wasn’t visible anymore, and stood up to scan the road. Felix’s car wasn’t on her street, which probably meant he went home, but that didn’t mean she was safe just yet.

“Tikki!” She called as she climbed back down into her room. It was a nasty trick he played, visiting her home unannounced, but in hindsight, she probably should have expected it. If Felix was going to guess the surprise, he needed more information on it, and how else was he going to get information (aside from herself, who was currently ignoring his messages)? Her house, where the surprise- and any clues pertaining to it -would naturally be.

Tikki zipped up to Marinette almost immediately. “Yes, Marinette?”

“Do you know how long I was asleep?”

Her kwami hummed, briefly turning to find a clock. “I’d say about.. Two hours?”

“Two hours?” Marinette repeated, horrified. Imagine what Felix could have done in that amount of time!

“Did Felix find anything about the surprise?”

“Not that I know of,” Tikki answered, to Marinette’s relief, “He started to look around for a bit, then decided against it, I guess, and left you a note before leaving himself.”

Marinette’s eyebrows knitted together slightly. “A note?”

Tikki nodded. “It’s on your desk.”

Marinette turned around to scan the bottom of her room again, indeed spotting a piece of paper on the corner of her desk. She must have been too worried about the surprise to notice it.

She climbed down her second ladder and walked over to the desk, picking up the small piece of paper. Felix’s letters curled across the page, beautiful and delicate, and to her surprise, she found something tucked underneath the note as well: A string of hearts. The same hearts she’d made for the Valentine’s Day party.

Dear Marinette,

You fell asleep before I could mention it, but the real reason I stopped by was to give you the decoration we talked about while cleaning up last Thursday. I noticed you forgot to ask Allegra about it, or perhaps you simply didn’t want to in the end. If the latter is the case, feel free to throw the decoration away.

I left fruit on your desk, along with a glass of water. Please eat and hydrate yourself so you don’t collapse later.

Signed,

Felix

A soft warmth bloomed in Marinette’s chest as she glanced at the group of fruits on her desk. It was a bit embarrassing that he remembered her stupid ‘reminiscing-over-the-hearts’ excuse, but also sweet that he took the time to ask Allegra about them after Marinette left. He always seemed to pay more attention to her than she realized.

“Hey, how did I get on the chaise?” Marinette asked Tikki curiously. “Felix didn’t.. You know.. carry me or anything, did he?”

The very thought nearly made her blush, but she tried to push it aside as best she could.

“Oh, he thought about it,” Her kwami confirmed, a certain amusement to her tone, “but in the end, he decided to wake you up just enough to have you walk over to the chaise yourself.”

Marinette nodded thoughtfully. She didn’t remember any of the moving process, but the neat piles next to her chaise proved that Felix put a lot of effort into cleaning the furniture off and making it comfortable. He even found a stray blanket for her to use.. With such gentle treatment coming from him, she almost wondered what she could have done to deserve it.

“Did he.. By any chance.. Do anything else while I was sleeping?” She asked hesitantly.

Tikki furrowed her eyebrows, confused. “Like what?”

Marinette flushed, flailing her arms as she replied a bit too loudly, “O-Oh, nothing! Nothing at all! I mean, if you didn’t notice anything then clearly nothing happened- hahaha! Anyway-”

She turned away from Tikki and put her hands over her face, almost groaning from embarrassment. Why would Felix even do anything to her while she was asleep? He didn’t like her that way! In fact, he didn’t like touching people at all! He wouldn’t be the type to longingly gaze at her sleeping face or maybe gently brush her bangs to the side with a smile.. It just wasn’t realistic. She needed to quit hoping for these fantasies before she fell too deeply into them.

A sigh passed Marinette’s lips, and she lowered her hands to look at Felix’s note again.

At least he cared for her in general. That’s better than nothing, right? She was happy just being his friend.

Even if she might be starting to see him as something more.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Devotion: Hey guys! Thanks for coming back for another end-of-chapter devotion! I really appreciate all of those who read this, and I am very excited to share more of the Bible with you! Today we’re going to talk about the beginnings of Hell, why it exists, and why it’s now our problem today.

People often like to question God’s goodness and grace by pointing out the existence of Hell. They say that if He is truly loving and truly as great as we say, then putting someone into Hell- or making it in the first place -should be too grievous of a task for Him. He shouldn’t want to create a situation where any of His other wonderful creations will suffer. I will agree that is a good question, but it is also a question that can be perfectly explained. (or as perfect as I myself can explain it anyway lol)

The first thing we need to understand is that Hell was not originally made for us. Hell was made for Lucifer and his followers. For background, Lucifer is an angel of light that used to be known as one of God’s chiefest angels. He had six wings, was beautiful beyond imagination, and (some believe) served at the right hand of Jesus Christ himself. Despite all of these magnificent gifts, however, Lucifer became unsatisfied with his position. As he looked at the things around him and thought about the incredible powers he’d been bestowed, he started to believe that he was above God. That instead of serving the one who made him, he should be the one on top, the one served and glorified. Pride and envy snaked through his chest like weeds, and soon, he was convincing other angels that he should be in charge too. This blasphemy continued until Lucifer felt he’d rallied enough angels together- or perhaps God called him prematurely -and He attacked God with one third of Heaven’s angels. As you can imagine, the fight didn’t last long. God won with an overwhelming victory, and for their insolence, God banished Lucifer and his followers to the place we now know as Hell. It is a place that God does not touch with any of his mercies or graces or light, a place a complete darkness where you can’t even see your hand in front of your face and your soul is tormented with an excruciating, unsoothable pain for the rest of eternity, where the only sounds you’ll hear is wailing and screaming and crying and gnashing of teeth. This was the place of punishment that God created for Lucifer and his followers, but it wasn’t supposed to be a place of punishment for us.

Now this brings us to the beginning of creation and earth, where Hell suddenly became a problem of our own as well. See, Hell is the place where people who do not want to serve God or give their hearts to Him go. It is not a direct punishment or forced suffering, per se. It is more like getting all of the privileges that come with serving Him taken away from us. If we are rejecting God, then we are rejecting the kindness and gifts that He gives us for accepting Him, such as peace, love, happiness, protection, light, and all of those great things. In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve, and He gave them the choice of following Him or rejecting Him and going their own way. He put them in a ginormous, beautiful garden, where they had everything they could ever need, and in the midst of the garden, He put a tree called the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God told them that they could eat of every fruit in the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they could not eat. It was a simple rule, just one: Don’t eat the fruit of that tree, but you can have everything else. For a while, Adam and Eve followed that rule. The Bible doesn’t specify how long before they broke it, but one day, as Eve was eating in the garden, a serpent came to her. It’s unclear as to how many animals could speak during this time on earth, or if the snake itself was an exception, but the snake did speak to her.

“Yea, hath God said, ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” The serpent hissed.

Eve, I can imagine, shook her head. “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: but the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, ‘Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die’.”

“Ye shall not surely die,” the snake said, “for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.”

Now, this is the tricky part of how the devil works. He likes to throw in a little bit of the truth to cover up big lies. The fruit on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil did have the power to open our eyes to sin and wickedness, but it also was definitely going to kill Eve if she ate it. With the honeyed words of satan, however, and the tempting thought of becoming something better than she was now, Eve didn’t consider that he might be lying, and she didn’t consult God on the matter either. Instead, she took the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil hesitantly in her hands and, with one final breath of courage, took a bite of it.

In that moment, she chose to go her own way instead of God’s

.Eve didn’t die physically as she’d expected to, but that wasn’t because God lied. It was because He was talking about a different kind of death, which was a spiritual death. Her body may have remained after she sinned, but her soul was shriveled up inside itself, now separated from God’s touch of everlasting life. She rejected God and His graces, and in doing so, sent herself in the direction of a place where God’s light does not shine. What’s worse is that since “nothing happened” when she ate the fruit, she brought the fruit to Adam as well. Adam, seeing that his lovely wife was still alive and well, came to the conclusion that God had lied too and also ate the fruit he was specifically told not to eat. They’d both chosen a life without God now.

Of course, since God sees everything, it wasn’t long before He came down to talk with them. Just like with Lucifer, God punished them for their insolence and disobedience. He cursed Adam’s seed, so that anyone born by him (or any man) would have their eyes opened to sin as well, and He cursed the ground so that weeds and thorns and such would sprout from the ground, making it ten times harder for Adam to work in the fields. For Eve, he cursed the way she gave birth, multiplying the pain and sorrow of it, and said that she now had to submit to her husband and that it would even become her main desire to please him. On top of those curses, He made the animals to be carnivores from then on, eating meat and growing wild from the curse of the ground, and also banished Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. And at the very end of that, we know that they were on their way to Hell for their disobedience.

“That’s not fair!” You might say. “They only ate one little fruit! Isn’t that punishment a bit excessive?” Well, no. Sin is a big deal. It is direct disobedience of God, and God’s rules that He gives us are not there without reason. He knew the importance of not eating the fruit and warned us ahead of time that the punishment for eating it would be severe, yet we ate it anyway. Any punishment we were given was completely deserved. You cannot say that God is merciless and cruel for not holding back on a punishment that He told us beforehand that He would give if we did something we weren’t supposed to.

“What about the rest of us? None of us were the ones to eat of the tree. Why do we have to pay for it?” You may not have sinned by eating of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but you have sinned in your life regardless. At some point, you did something wrong and turned your back on God’s influence and grace. We are all deserving of the punishment that we are heading towards.

“Why not stop us? Why let us choose sin over Him? Why even give us the opportunity to do wrong at all?” Free will. God loves us all dearly, so He wanted to give us the choice to love Him, not just force us to because we are His own creation. Isn’t that amazing? He loves us so much that He created us knowing we wouldn’t love Him the same way He loves us, and He continues to give grace to those who reject Him and essentially spit in his face. I can’t imagine having that much love or patience for somebody, can you? He even gave us another chance to spend paradise with Him by sending Jesus Christ down to save us! Think about it: You know somebody who’s rejected you. You’ve given them good advice, and they’ve spit curses at you while deciding that they know better. They’ve shaken their fist at you and refused to talk to you, called you awful names for giving them the best things they could have, and yet, despite all of that, you decide to send your only son, your prime possession, to go down and take an incredible punishment for them, to die for them. That person who rejected you doesn’t deserve it. They haven’t asked for forgiveness. There is no guarantee that they will even acknowledge the fact that you saved them, but you do it anyway. God did it anyway, and He did it on a much larger scale than that little metaphor.

Hell was not meant for us, but we are headed there now because of our poor choices. God has given us a way to reconcile, to change the choices that we’ve made, because He loves us. He’s calling out to you now. I pray that you are listening. Thanks for reading, and I hope you all have a blessed day! If you have any questions about God, please message me and let me know! <3)

Tag List: @sasstrashforlike5fandoms @artbyknigit @athena452 @nickristus-dreamer @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @arsaem @abrx2002 @neakco @pawsitivelymiraculous @too0bsessedformyowngood @nathleigh @lusicing @officiallydarkgeek @all-mights-asscheeks @tbehartoo @woe-is-me0 @raeuberprinzessin @lazuli-11 @miss-chaos27 @trippingovermyfeet @sadpotatoondrugs @ladybug-182 @jaggedheart11 @marinahrasauce @i-need-blog-ideas @thewheezingbubbledragon @crazylittlemunchkin @unabashedbookworm @moonystars14 @sunflowers-and-mooncakes @2confused-2doanything @magnificentcrapposts @moonnette @nickristus-dreamer @vixen-uchiha @casual-darkness @luxmorningstarr @jjmjjktth @kaithehero @itsme1598 @theymakeupfairies @xjaccyx @miraculous-ninja @miraculouspenta @swiftie-miraculer13 @justafanwarrior @all-mights-asscheeks @ira-sairain @lookatthestars1 @dahjokester @blissful-passing @solangelo252 @canivialemonsquints07 @derbygracie @pleaseignorejustheretoread

#felinette #Miraculous Ladybug #Marinette #Felix Culpa #New Girl on the Block #Rosemary AU

78 notes · View notes

elyvorg · 4 years ago

Text

Remember that analysis post of mine debunking the ridiculous myth perpetrated in this fandom that Kaito never apologises, in which I discuss how he actually apologises way more than he should? Well, while thinking about and writing that post, I also got curious. What’s the cold, hard data on that? What if I just straight-up counted every single instance of each character apologising throughout the main story of DRV3, in order to be able to indisputably prove at a glance that Kaito is actually one of the most apologetic characters in this game?

…I wasn’t willing to go so far as to play through the entire game again just for the purpose of counting every time a character apologised, mind you. But several months ago, I began watching yet another V3 Let’s Play – and since I was already committed to watching said LP all the way through, I figured I could count all the apologies as it went along and collect that data with minimal extra effort on my part. So here’s the full dataset, at last!

There we go. It is objective and indisputable that Kaito apologises the third-most out of any character in this game, behind only the incredibly insecure Gonta and the still-rather-insecure-and-has-the-most-lines Shuichi. And pretty close behind them, at that!

I noticed a bunch of interesting things while doing this, though, so I can’t resist the chance to break this down and talk about it in some more detail.

Data collection criteria

For the sake of Scientific Thoroughness, I should explain my exact criteria for counting these. Every way of phrasing an apology, be it “sorry”, “my apologies”, “my bad”, etc, was counted. I also decided to count statements along the lines of "I need to apologise for this", because that itself is essentially already expressing the apology, too.

If a character apologises multiple times for the same thing, each of those times counts separately. This isn’t a measure of how many individual things each character apologises for, but rather of how inclined they are to apologise. Even if multiple apologies are grouped together, such as “Sorry… I’m so sorry…” or “sorry, my bad”, those still count as two, because that’s essentially a double-strength apology.

I did not count optional dialogue that was mutually exclusive with other optional dialogue. Which is to say, I didn’t count any FTEs, since you can’t get all of them in a single playthrough, and as much as I might like to insist that Kaito’s and Maki’s FTEs with Shuichi should definitely be considered canon, I’m trying to be unbiased here. I also didn’t count any FTE invitation dialogue, even though you technically can get all of the first parts of those (the lines before you actually make the choice to invite someone) in a single playthrough, mostly because it’d have taken forever to go through them for absolutely everyone.

However, I did count optional dialogue in those bits where you’re free to talk to everyone in the room before advancing the plot by talking to a specific person, because that can all be assumed to be canon. The bonus item scenes also count, because they should be assumed to be canon, too. There may have been some apologies that I missed here, because the LP I was watching occasionally missed these bits of dialogue, and while I tried to check myself for these missed bits, I may have overlooked a few. But if so, it was definitely only a few and not enough to significantly affect the overall picture of the data.

I only counted Shuichi’s and Kaede’s apologies when they were spoken out loud. It’d be unfair to count their inner-monologue apologies as well when we have no idea how much any other character might also be apologising in their head.

The pregame characters’ apologies were not counted, because they are not the same people. I would have counted Tsumugi’s and Rantaro’s apologies prior to the “reset” if they’d had any, since they are already themselves from the very beginning.

Obviously there’s still a lot of inherent bias here towards the characters who get more screentime and more lines, such as especially Shuichi. There isn’t much I can do about that, short of counting the exact number of dialogue boxes that every single character has throughout the whole game and using that to normalise things. As you can imagine, I don’t want to do that. (Though, on the extreme off-chance that someone does somehow happen to have data for that lying around somewhere that they can access with minimal effort, I’d love for them to send it my way.)

Characters who totally never do anything wrong

I was not at all surprised to see that Kiyo and Angie never apologise for anything at all, sincere or not, warranted or not. Psh, what do you mean they might have done something wrong, of course they never do anything wrong ever.

Miu almost ended up on the zero-apologies list, too. Interestingly, the four times she does apologise in canon dialogue are all during the Virtual World trip. Three of them happen when people are frustrated that she isn’t telling them stuff about the Virtual World sooner, and one is for being about to murder Kokichi in the flashback to that. Since she never apologises at all the entire rest of the time, this is a neat sign that she actually does feel pretty guilty about deceiving everyone and plotting to get them all killed.

In another effort to be as objective as possible, I also counted every apology regardless of how sincere it was. However, in Kokichi’s case, I did keep a track of how many of his apologies were actually sincere, out of curiosity. (Other characters may have a few insincere ones here and there, but it only felt worth my time keeping track of that with Kokichi, because he’s obviously the biggest offender for this.) I included this information on Kokichi’s bar of the graph, because I feel that the implication otherwise given of him being the fifth most apologetic character in this game is deeply misleading. If you discount all of Kokichi’s screamingly insincere apologies, suddenly his apology count is just unremarkable background noise on par with most of the others.

It is notable – and also very unsurprising to me – that Kokichi’s five actual sincere apologies are all for things that, according to Kaito’s principles on this, he doesn’t really need to be apologising for at all. They are all within chapters 1 to 3. He never sincerely apologises for any of the many things he actually does wrong that really do warrant being apologised for, because Kokichi is totally never in the wrong about anything, you guys, and he definitely doesn’t ever murder anyone.

Three of those five sincere apologies happen when he’s hit his head during investigation 3 and is dazed and disoriented. Apparently Kokichi needs to be literally injured in order to be made to feel like anything is his fault for more than a brief moment. …That said, that evidently only works for accidental slip-ups that aren’t really his fault at all. Kokichi’s totally-never-in-the-wrong-about-anything defence mechanisms work full time to protect him from ever having to acknowledge and feel remorse for any of his many very real and deliberate misdeeds, even when he’s painfully poisoned and dying.

Kaede

Kaede’s apology count is very notably high for someone who was only alive for one chapter. If she’d stayed alive for longer, she’d almost certainly have rivalled Shuichi for total apologies. (So, technically, Kaito is probably only the fourth most apologetic character in this game. Still, though.)

You might assume that Kaede’s high count here is because of the murder she does, but actually only like two or three of them are related to that. Most of her apologies are evenly spread throughout the entire chapter. Some of it’s just general politeness, but an awful lot of it comes from her being too inclined to feel bad over not being as good a leader as she wishes she was, when she really hasn’t done anything wrong at all. Kaito is right to try and encourage her not to apologise when things aren’t her fault! She of all people needs to hear that!

Chapter-by-chapter

The majority of the rest of the characters aren’t that interesting to talk about. For the most part their low counts are basically just, like, background noise politeness, a vague measure of how polite that character is and nothing more. Very little of those counts has anything to do with how insecure that character is, or any actual things they do wrong that genuinely warrant apologising.

But for the other three of our most-apologetic characters, since they’re alive for several chapters, it’s kind of interesting to look at how their counts fluctuate from chapter to chapter. So here’s another graph, to help me break their huge counts down a bit more.

Shuichi

Despite him obviously having the most lines, I was pretty surprised that Shuichi ended up with the highest apology count overall. I wasn’t even expecting him to top Kaito’s count, let alone Gonta’s.

This conclusion did, however, seem a lot more likely once I’d made it through chapter 1 and seen just how much he apologised during that time. Geez, is that one hell of a headstart for even Gonta and Kaito to catch up to. My surprise over this was probably because, when I think about Shuichi, I usually think about the post-Kaede protagonist-Shuichi (perhaps especially because I usually think about him in a Kaito-centric context, whoops). So it’s easy to forget just how incredibly insecure – and also apologetic – he was in the very beginning.

Shuichi apologises exactly as horribly much as Kaede during chapter 1. Again, this is partly politeness, but also far too much of him having an inclination to feel bad over things that aren’t his fault because of how insecure he is. Kaede and Shuichi basically spend most of chapter 1 constantly apologising to each other for existing, and it’s heartbreaking. Every time I had to add another of theirs to my spreadsheet, I was all, “No! Stop it!”

What I find really fascinating about Shuichi’s count, though, is that he pretty much loses this bad habit entirely after Kaede’s death. Despite him still kind of moping around and struggling to know what to do until Kaito steps in to help, it seems like Shuichi’s resolve to carry on Kaede’s wish and believe in himself more really had already had a tangible positive effect on his confidence!

This also means that Kaito never has any reason to give Shuichi advice telling him not to apologise if he hasn’t done anything wrong, which he absolutely would have done if he’d spent more time with Shuichi in chapter 1 when he was apologising so much. As I mentioned in my original post about this topic, this fact is important.

Shuichi’s counts in chapters 2 and 3 are especially low. This is what background noise politeness from a character tends to look like – and it also pretty clearly proves that his and Kaede’s huge apology counts in chapter 1 are down to way more than them just being generally polite people who are getting the most screentime.

It might look like Shuichi gradually gets more insecure again as the killing game goes on, but that’s not actually quite why his count goes up again like that. Instead, it’s that, when something particular does go wrong, Shuichi still feels inclined to apologise for it a lot more than most people would. Turns out, most of his excess apologies in chapters 4 and 5 are spurred by very specific incidents involving Kaito.

Literally five of Shuichi’s apologies in chapter 4 are over the cell phone incident with Kaito during the investigation. That genuinely did warrant an apology – he should have thought to warn Kaito that he’d be logged out beforehand so he wouldn’t be so startled – but even then, apologising that many times was still rather excessive. Shuichi evidently felt really bad about startling his friend like that in the first place. But it also doesn’t help that Kaito reacted more strongly to it than he should have done, for reasons rooted in his own issues that Shuichi was completely oblivious to, which is probably a lot of why Shuichi felt he had to keep apologising.

Three of Shuichi’s apologies in chapter 5 are over the awkward situation between him and Kaito, albeit directed at Maki and not Kaito. This is despite Shuichi himself asserting that he doesn’t believe he should apologise for his actions in trial 4. Even then, he’s still feeling insecure enough about the whole thing that some unintentional apologies slip out of him anyway, not precisely about Gonta’s trial, but about not being able to fix the rift between him and Kaito. He seems to feel like that’s meant to be his responsibility, when he should be able to realise himself that it isn’t. The real responsibility to fix this is on Kaito. Once again, it’s Kaito’s issues – and Kaito not talking about his issues – that causes Shuichi to apologise for something more than he ought to.

Another three of Shuichi’s apologies in chapter 5 are over lying to his friends at the end of the trial in a desperate attempt to protect Kaito. (…Well, technically all of these apologies are part of the lie and therefore not really him apologising for lying – but his inner monologue confirms that he really is sorry for lying, which is almost certainly why he ends up fake-apologising so much within the lie. More on this principle in a bit when I talk about all of Kaito’s apologies in trial 5.) Again, this is another thing that does genuinely warrant an apology, but probably not three times? And while this one isn’t related to Kaito’s issues, it is still because of Kaito that Shuichi needed to try and lie to everyone in the first place.

(One more of Shuichi’s apologies at the end of chapter 5 is for Kaito’s death, because in his grief he’s hurting enough to have slipped back into feeling like everything is his fault. At least this is just the one, and Maki manages to talk him out of blaming himself any more than that.)

Without these specific incidents that he’s still a bit too inclined to feel bad about, Shuichi’s count would be three in chapter 4 and five in chapter 5. So, basically just background noise politeness again. Maybe he’s being slightly more generally insecure in chapter 5 than usual, perhaps due to Kaito not quite being there for him, and/or the whole despair thing. But he’s no longer constantly apologising for existing to nearly as much of an extent as he was in chapter 1.

Delightfully, in chapter 6, with Kaito’s death spurring Shuichi’s determination into overdrive, Shuichi’s count goes right back down to insignificant background noise politeness. Nothing at all happens to make him feel like he needs to apologise way too much.

This is exactly how I hoped it would end! He is being a hero and none of his actions here are anything for him to make himself feel bad about. Kaito would be proud.

Gonta

Gonta’s background-noise politeness in the earlier chapters is noticeably higher than everyone else’s, because there’s also quite a bit of insecurity and apologising-for-existing going on with him. But it’s still not, like, super high on its own. It might not even be quite as bad as Kaede, even accounting for him getting way fewer lines than her?

His somewhat higher count in chapter 2 could be because of the Insect Meet and Greet, but it could also be because the way Ryoma’s body was discovered made Gonta feel especially strongly that he should have been able to prevent Ryoma’s death.

But then, of course, there’s chapter 4. As you’d imagine, almost all of those are in the trial, and almost all towards the end of it. Poor Gonta. It also doesn’t help that there’s two Gontas in the room for the trial conclusion, and naturally I included Alter Ego Gonta’s apologies in Gonta’s count, too.

Kaito

For the first two chapters, when he doesn’t have any sidekicks and therefore no expectations to live up to as their hero, and/or when he’s not struggling with weakness and worrying that he’s failing those expectations, Kaito’s apology level is just unremarkable background noise like most other characters.

(Well, one of them is actually not background noise and is a meaningful, warranted apology for punching Shuichi at the end of trial 1. But because he correctly doesn’t apologise for this any more than he needs to, it kinda blends in with the background noise.)

Then chapter 3 happens, and, predictably, his count shoots way up. All but one of Kaito’s apologies in this chapter are over being sick due to his phobia. (And if I’d been counting the free time invitation dialogues, there would be another four added on here, again for being too sick to hang out with Shuichi.)

Of his five in chapter 4, one is genuinely warranted (for laughing at Maki’s katana story), and two are over being physically sick, goddammit, Kaito. The other two in this chapter are for letting Kokichi’s taunts get to him, which is also not quite a thing he should be apologising for. Kaito can’t help it if his emotions react in a certain way to Kokichi making him out to be worthless. He can control how he responds to it, but not how he feels over it.

Then there’s chapter 5, which somehow manages to even eclipse Kaito’s chapter 3 count – but most of this is about the trial. Only three of his apologies in this chapter are from the Daily Life. (Naturally, two of them are still over being sick. No, Kaito, stop it.)

Literally half of Kaito’s fourteen apologies in the trial boil down to being sorry for tricking and deceiving his friends. This is something that warrants an apology, according to Kaito’s principles, even though he’s doing this deliberately for the purpose of hopefully saving everyone. He is still choosing to hurt them as part of that, and that hurt deserves to be apologised for.

What’s interesting about most of Kaito’s apologies for this, though, is that they’re technically insincere. He’s apologising for tricking everybody while he’s still tricking them, which sure makes it sound like he doesn’t mean it. This even applies to the majority of these apologies that happen during the bits where he’s speaking in his own voice. Because “Exisal Kaito” is a fake and overexaggerated version of himself that he wants everyone to conclude was really just Kokichi pretending to be him, anything he says during those moments is never going to come across as genuine.

But obviously, there’s not a shred of doubt that Kaito really is sorry for tricking everyone the entire time he’s doing this. It says a lot that during those bits where he’s being himself, Kaito just so happens to have a particularly high density of apologies-per-line. He feels awful for being this insincere and deceptive towards his friends, and he really wishes he could just communicate to them how genuinely sorry he is for all of this. But because he can’t, the next best thing to try and scratch that itch is to just apologise anyway even though he needs them to assume it’s all fake.

Kaito even apologises a couple of times as Exisal Kokichi for lying to them! This is absolutely categorically not something Kokichi wrote into his script, because Kokichi never apologised for lying, not even in a blatantly-insincere-sounding way. Kaito’s desperate desire to express how awful he felt about this was just so strong that it even accidentally slipped into a couple of his ad-libs as Kokichi.

However, while Kaito apologises so many times for this, it’s not because he’s blaming himself a bit too excessively much for his wrongdoing like Shuichi was still liable to do at this point in the story. The only reason Kaito apologises this much for tricking everyone is due to how insincere he was forced to sound almost every time. He kept apologising again and again because each insincere apology never felt like enough, and he desperately needed them to know that he meant it.

When Kaito reveals himself at the end of the trial, he pretty much immediately apologises again for tricking them – once, and that’s it. This time, they know he means it, and that’s all he needs. He’s not going to wallow in his bad feelings any more than that.

This is also the case for the other genuine wrongdoings he goes on to apologise for in the conclusion. Kaito gives a double-sized but still concise apology to Shuichi for lashing out in trial 4 like he’d needed to give this whole time, and then one single apology to his friends for lying to them about his illness. He gets those apologies out like he should, but once he’s done so, he doesn’t linger on them and mope any more than he needs to.

Which is good! Look at Kaito finally following his own advice again and being emotionally healthy about this!

…Except for the part where he then goes on to apologise twice for dying on them. That one is still not his fault.

#danganronpa v3 #danganronpa v3 spoilers #ramble #kaito momota #shuichi saihara #gonta gokuhara #kaede akamatsu #kaito's hero issues #i may be just a little bit bitter about this ridiculous myth #i am also fully aware that i'm preaching to the choir here in terms of people who read my blog #but shush let me geek out about this data anyway

177 notes · View notes

unclesamantha · 4 years ago

Text

my own, unprompted and not-asked-for thoughts on lyn-z way that i’ve been pondering and wanted to share (it’s a long one, i wish I could remember how to do “read mores” on here lol):

I’m posting this from a side blog I’ve had hoarded for awhile, because I’m honestly kind of scared of what might transpire. With that said, I’ve been a lyn-z way fan for over 13 years. When I was going through high school, I obsessively watched her tasteit.tv interview and bought her “Don’t Call Me Mrs. Gerard Way” article off eBay, and really appreciated her story because I could wholeheartedly relate: I felt like a total misfit in my small-ish town, was extremely self-conscious and wanted to escape and make a name for myself. I loved (and still love!) her weird dark art, her expression through various mediums. Here on tumblr, back when I used to actually tag and organize stuff on my main blog, she was probably the third most tagged topic on my blog. I even assisted with some posts on the lynz style blog. I remember her tweeting about herself being half Indian and was so amazed, she offered representation to a group of people who rarely show up in pop culture, especially not rock n roll (the only other one I can think of is the bassist from No Doubt). She was a champion of women in rock and the arts, and was so kind to her fans after shows and on Twitter. Her story about achieving all her goals and finding true love and wealth in spite of her reported hardships gave a lot of us something to aspire to. With all that said, all of what’s being said right now about her has really made me start thinking critically about who I choose as my heroes. I remember when the “lynzuglyliar” blog first popped up in maybe 2012-2013, I was like “uhhh yeah ok” because she got a lot of hate for being married to her husband, so it was easy to write it off as a hate blog. The blog name also didn’t help (sorry!). But this year, with her family coming out and confirming pretty much everything that blog said for ages, I had to start reconsidering. Is her family capable of lying? Of course. But LynZ has used her platform to pretty much slander them for over a decade, while they struggle not only in real life financially, but also to have their voice heard. Them speaking up really broke my heart - they’re trying their best to get by in life, but keep getting knocked down by a famous family member who’s husband (and by default and marriage law, herself) is worth $10-20 million while they live in a very rough area (out $40K after LynZ dropped out of a very expensive school) and her legion of fans. LynZ’s disregard for the well documented instances of jimmy kissing underage fans was a bit unnerving. Yes, she said to believe victims, but went on to insinuate that it was all Jessicka’s doing, and kind of made it about herself. The reason why people are reaching out her about it is because she has the largest platform of anyone in MSI, and unfortunately she bares some responsibility in righting a wrong that her gross band mate thought was ok.

I have a lot of thoughts on how I feel about this whole situation; it’s mostly disappointment on my heroes part, and frustration at fellow LynZ fans who just outright refuse to acknowledge her kinda disgusting actions. When multiple friends and family members all corroborate the same things, and share their own stories of betrayal and bullying, who am I - a fan who has only been witness to a projected image of LynZ’s best self and a story she conconted for herself for almost 20 years - to say they’re lying or they’re “haters”? For me, it would be extremely entitled and delusional to tell these people “hey cool story, but this is what LynZ said so shut up.” I have to listen to their stories, and acknowledge a pattern.

Long story short, LynZ was part of my coming of age, my awkward and insecure teenage years. She inspired me to pursue art and follow my dreams. I also don’t even find fault with her getting into MSI without bass talent - they’re a performance based band, and I also don’t really believe she doesn’t play on the records or live, as she’s played bass for 15-20 years so she’s definitely learned how to play effectively in that time. But I can’t defend her actions and aid in silencing the people she’s hurt. Sorry this was a really long post, I just had a lot of thoughts on someone I considered my greatest hero for so long. I tried my best not to come off as spiteful, because I’m not sure if I can say I hate her, for the reasons I just stated. There’s this notion that “women don’t owe you anything” - which is true, when it comes to unwanted advances and gross shit like that. But when it comes to decades of playing in a band that used slurs and racist/pedophilic imagery for “shock” value, as well as a lot of extremely questionable behavior and misleading fans, I just hope that one day she can come forward and take some accountability, no matter how scary it will be.

#lindsey way #lynz way #lynz #msi #mindless self indulgence

43 notes · View notes

heavenaintaniceplace · 4 years ago

Text

i need a outside opinion, please help

if anyone can help me because i’m actually having a hard time determining whether or not in a self-help cult and its freaking me out because my intuition says yes but logically there’s not that much evidence? if any survivors wanna chime in, i would really appreciate that but here is the basic rundown in vague as possible language so they don’t get tipped off and call me out or find me.

tw: cults, religion, ableism, harassment, high control groups

the premise of the group is to “find out who you truly are” via personality testing, personality indexes and communicating with your inner self as a separate but connected entity. this group is mostly online with meetups here and there between people but never large groups. people mostly congregate on tumblr and discord or on forums. right now, i’ve been pushed to the edge because i kept questioning authority figures and kept trying to make more inclusive spaces.

the cult like parts come in when you question any of their practices and methods, doing that gets you put down pretty quickly and usually everyone is expected to agree with the group member or whatever “veteran” is around at the moment. debates happen, but directly questioning the authority of those deemed “in charge” gets you reprimanded.

reprimands have also became verbal attacks and accusations like claiming anyone who does any of the practices in an unorthodox way is just as “special snowflake” or just being rebellious on purpose. people who deviate too far also get unironically labeled as mentally ill and accused of having schizophrenia or DID. ableism runs deep here.

in addition to that they actively encourage people to not think too hard about the logistics of the community dogma but also encourage people to participate in it the most (the personality testing). if you do, again, you get reprimanded or laughed at usually in the form of people ganging up on you. either that or you get a flood of people who affirm how wonderful and “robust” their practices are. when you do set forward on finding your correct personality profile you have the option of writing up a whole profile about yourself that people can use to match you. you’re taught not to disagree with your math or you’ll be told that you’re just lying to yourself if you claim to know yourself better than the personality system does. the personality uses MBTI and ennegram (and i already know ennegram is popular in evangelical spaces which makes me very wary).

i should mention that on their website q&a they have a bullet point that literally says “we are not a cult so don’t worry” which is very sus to me. there is a mix of spirituality in some practices even though its not default in an explicit way, the goal of the practitioner is literally to communicate with their “soul” and that terminology (soul) is used often regardless of individual religious beliefs. they heavily conflate “personality type” with “soul” on purpose but no one really questions this.

the group also has a tight inner circle and i’m actually really worried they would find this post and try to find out who i am or that someone would recognize what community i’m talking about even though its very niche. ever since some serious intra-community conflict happened (that resulted in harassment that lasted hours with those who recognized themselves as in authority not backing down in telling the people that questioned them were wrong and mislead) i’ve been distancing myself from them more and more. it made me realize how much of my personal boundaries had gotten swallowed up by the group and their mentality because everyone was expected to lend personal information freely and keep in close touch.

typing this out now...yeah it does really make me think it might be a cult or a high control group after all but it also feels like i’ve trained myself to deflect any inconsistencies and negative things about them up until now because i knew my place in the group kind of depended on it unless i wanted to start a fight with a bunch of my mutuals. i’ve tried to make more personal space but as far as the community goes the dogma is pretty all encompassing.

but i truly believe that somehow these people have taken away my ability to criticize them because they’re so good and convincing people their beliefs and practices are within reason and harmless. whenever someone has a problem with their beliefs they chalk it up to them having a problem with themselves instead of with the organization in order to deflect blame. its very textbook “we can do no harm” thinking and its dangerous. every time there is a conflict i get the same feelings of when i’m reminded of my religious trauma, namely their way of advertising themselves and talking about practices sets off my flight or fight response because it reminds me so much of proselytizing plus the fact that a lot of the beliefs are literally based off of a set of literature and philosophy. the slogan is “everyone has a inner self!” that asserts everyone is already like them, they just need the group to properly get in touch with theirself. they also assert that everyone fits a certain personality profile with the same candor.

i’m really considering this a group i need to hurry up and get away from. i know its online and i can just turn off my phone/computer but i’ve been here for years. and i think its done actual damage to me that i don’t even realize yet. i have plenty of good friends there i want to keep. my friends aren’t the problem, the group and their beliefs and actions are. i don’t know what to do in order to fully leave except delete all my social medias related to it and ghost everyone. after finally breaking my main connections with them i felt worsened anxiety around them and felt constant fear when interacting with them online after conflicts happened because me and my friends were harassed and put down. its just recently i’ve felt safer after blocking almost everyone and automatically distrusting new members i hadn’t met before. i’m so tired of feeling afraid and feeling like i can’t trust my own conscious because of them. i don’t know if that harassment and conflict traumatized me but it sure feels like it did, and no one in charge actually cares about that except making sure everyone accepts their viewpoint and beliefs. other people have said that this group is poison and detrimental before (even though these statements were difficult as hell to find) and i honestly believe they were right.

so yeah, thats my story about my time in a horrible online community. if any of this resonates with you, please, please talk about. i feel like i’m stumbling around in the dark looking for answers and i just don’t know.

#tw cults #tw cult #religious trauma #leaving cults #cult survivor #haanp.txt #self help cults #anyways i feel emotional finally typing this out #because i've been here for years and im just realizing what i might be in #online community

12 notes · View notes

nagichi-boop · 3 years ago

Note

hey there! i have a few questions i'm confused about related to ocd. i'm not diagnosed with ocd but i do have anxiety (health and general anxiety) and when i asked my therapist regarding this, she said it didn't point towards ocd. so here i am bcs i wanna learn where to draw the line.

i've been having a anxious period for the last two weeks. so mostly what if intrusive thoughts like "what if my anxiety never recovers?" keep coming a few times but i can deal with them.

however, last week i read a post and after that, a certain word started popping up in my mind. it was bothersome at first but then i eventually got over it. but then a random person told me it sounds like ocd and i got anxious about that.

now the word barely pops up but when it does, it doesn't bother me. however, what makes me anxious is the "what if its ocd?" thought. i know it sounds weird but rather than actually having other intrusive thoughts, the thought that's making me anxious the most is "since i have/had a word in my mind, it indicates ocd."

my therapist says it could've been ocd in case it was the word (and other words/thoughts) that bothered you but instead what's causing you distress is the what if its ocd thought as in i've self diagnosed myself and my anxiety brain is making me believe it. she said that it points more towards anxiety.

but now i find myself questioning every one of my habits. like does me choosing/preferring certain colors over others, buying/using only light colored cloth hangers bcs they look more positive, finding one side of bed better than other, praying everyday bcs i don't like skipping it, sitting at the end of the table or just me wanting to stick to my schedule, are these compulsions? or are these just habits and preferences? these choices don't impact my life in any way nor do they make me anxious and i can change those up easily but now, i find myself questioning them.

i'm sorry if you find this bothering you. that was not my intention. i just had some questions as to where do we draw the line between daily habits and ocd compulsions? or even between anxiety what ifs (like what if i have xyz disease?) and ocd obsessions/compulsions?

thank you and sending lots of love ❤

Hey, thanks for the ask! And dw you’re not bothering me. <3

I’m gonna start off by saying I’m not a professional - heck, I am not even diagnosed with ocd and I still on and off doubt that I have it - so I’m by no means the authority on what is and isn’t ocd, but I can try offer my opinion?

I’m not entirely sure how much research you’ve done into ocd and I still myself struggle to know what is and isn’t a sign of ocd. The constant wondering if the thing is ocd could be rumination, which is I believe a type of compulsion, but I can’t say for certain whether that’s directly a result of ocd.

The things you listed in that one paragraph I suppose could be ocd, but since you said it doesn’t cause you anxiety it’s possible it’s also not. To my knowledge, compulsions are usually done out of a state of anxiety. For example, someone who has a hand washing compulsion will find it deeply uncomfortable and anxiety inducing to not wash their hands when the desire pops up. I don’t really think that if it’s related to ocd that you can easily just change them, but again I’m not an expert. It’s an uncontrollable intrusive thought that leads to the action rather than a matter of preference. I guess it kinda depends why you do them. Do you pray every day because that’s your routine or because you’re worried that if you don’t something bad will happen?

Ocd is marked by obsessions, compulsions and intrusive thoughts. So someone might have something like “if I don’t flick the light switch 7 times, my whole family will die”, and so they have to do the compulsion of flicking the light switch to relieve that anxiety. There’s also a subtype of ocd called Pure O (or Pure Obsessional), who do has a misleading name because you still get compulsions, they’re just more internal. For example, you might worry “what if I have cancer” and then you think about it a lot, research the symptoms online, ask people if they’ve noticed anything, etc.

The only thing I can suggest is perhaps doing more research? I mean for me personally researching is part of my problem - I crave certainty and so I research different mental health disorders for hours a day in hopes it’ll give me an answer (which it doesn’t besides maybe some temporary relief). Try looking up different types of ocd, see examples of different obsessions and compulsions, maybe check tags on Tumblr or even reach out to ocd specific accounts if they have asks or smth open. I’ve learned a lot from just sending people messages asking about it and hearing other people’s experiences with it. Maybe you could even write down things that you think could be symptoms, then maybe bring them up with your therapist? Say that it’s been worrying you and you’d like to talk through it? I don’t have a therapist so idk how it works, sorry

I’m sorry if this answer isn’t helpful. Again, I’m not a professional or even diagnosed with ocd, so most of my knowledge is based on researching the symptoms I personally seem to have. You’re welcome to dm me if you like, but I think there are probably people who would be way more helpful to talk to. ^^;;

Perhaps if anyone who has ocd sees this they can offer some input? Maybe comment, reblog or leave an ask? (Again, I’m rly sorry for not being able to provide a better answer.)

#sorry if this isn’t helpful or what you wanted #I’m still learning myself #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #pure o ocd #mental illness #mentally ill #neurodiverse #neurodivergency #neurodiversity #long post #nagichi asks

1 note · View note

mylifeiskara · 5 years ago

Text

Happy Holidays*, Have a Fic Rec List!

So I realized recently that even though I didn’t start interacting with people until like September, I got back into The 100 last January, even if it was mostly just scrolling through the tags to see what was going on. I’ve been absolutely floored by the writing talent in this fandom, and everyone I’ve interacted with has been so warm and welcoming, which has only encouraged me to write more. So to mark my almost a year of being a lurker and as a fun sort of holiday present to everyone for being so nice, I thought I would go through all my bookmarks and AO3 history and find some of my favorite fics I’ve read this year and share them, complete with commentary somewhat like the way I leave comments on AO3! I’ve read so many more amazing fics than just these ones (which is surprising because I’m a really slow reader), so thank you to literally everyone who writes for this fandom, because you’re all superstars! I get so excited every time someone shares something new, and my marked for later list just keeps getting longer.

This list is mostly Bellarke, but there’s also a couple Murven and one Memori. It’s also abundantly clear that I read mainly modern AUs, so I didn’t bother separating canon things from modern things, but I did separate the complete works and the WIPs. And if I don’t know someone’s Tumblr, I’m just gonna link their AO3 profile!

*I’m pretty sure only one of these fics has to do with a winter holiday, so sorry if that’s misleading!

Complete

Your words on my skin by not_a_total_basket_case Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (Multi-Chapter) This is the first The 100 fic I ever read, so obviously it has to go first on my list. I don’t read many soulmate AUs, but I liked that soulmates communicated to each other through notes on their skin. The whole thing is just so soft, and I’ve read it a bunch of other times since my first reading. Also bonus points for Clarke and Bellamy being absolute idiots in love.

Feels Like Reckless Driving When We’re Talking by Chash Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) In this one there’s an age swap, so Bellamy is younger than Clarke, who’s a single mom in her 30s. Bonus points for the presence of Murphy and Emori to help get Clarke out of her head and out of the house so she can meet Bellamy, a hot younger man!

so i sing a song of love by @hiddenpolkadots Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) This is my comfort fic! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it, but it’s one I keep going back to. I love a good friends with benefits complicated by feelings, and also in this case, pregnancy.

I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me by bellamysgriffinprincess Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (One-Shot) Best friend’s brother is one of my favorite tropes, and I really love the evolution of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship throughout the story.

Talking with You in the Dark by @bettsfic Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E (One-Shot) This is like “oh my god they were roommates” adjacent (since they’re neighbors), which is what I like about it. I think I’m just a sucker for stories where Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship kind of evolves in a very natural way. Also the simple ask of wanting to share a bed with someone because you’re lonely is such a mood.

the naked truth by @kombellarke Bellamy/Clarke & Murphy/Raven, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) Speaking of “oh my god they were roommates”! This fic has so much great angst! It’s probably the angstiest thing on this list! I’m not sure if I can adequately put into words my feelings about this fic, other than it’s great, and I feel like everyone’s read it already, but here it is so you can read it again!

guess it’s never really over by @captaindaddykru Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) I love how even when Bellamy and Clarke are divorced, they’re clearly still so in love. It’s why the idea of them having another kid together didn’t sound absolutely absurd to either of them, and that’s the tea.

You Should Still Take Me Home by @eyessharpweaponshot Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (One-Shot) This has many things I love, which are fics about New Year’s, friends with benefits, and a college setting. It’s the dream! And it’s really cute!

Here’s What I’ve Got (The Reasons Why Our Marriage Might Work) by @marauders-groupie Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (Multi-Chapter) I have been trying to come up with the words to describe the way this fic made me feel literally ever since I read it, but my God, I still feel like what I say wouldn’t do it justice. Also there is a very particular word I’m searching for that I have yet to land on. It’s so beautifully written, and I love stories that begin after the couple has broken up. Also they’re actors, and I love a celebrity AU!

Potions et Patroni by chants_de_lune Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (One-Shot) I love anything to do with Harry Potter or Hogwarts, so adding Bellarke to the mix was just right up my alley. If you haven’t noticed, I really love watching/reading the natural evolution of a relationship, which this fic does a great job of. Also if I were a student at Hogwarts, I would have thought Professor Blake and Professor Griffin were a couple the moment I stepped foot into the school.

starry eyes and galaxy minds (we’ll be dancing on the clouds at night) by @pawprinterfanfic Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) If Bellamy were Spider-Man, I too would fall in love with him, solely based on his voice. When he removed his mask, him being incredibly attractive would just be an added bonus.

Eons With You by @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (One-Shot) Another great soulmate fic I stumbled upon! I feel like I’ve never gotten into soulmate AUs until this fandom, but that’s just truly the only way to describe what Bellamy and Clarke are to each other? So yeah, this one has reincarnation and the time periods that are in it are so vivid and great.

And in Other News... by @jeanie205 Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (Multi-Chapter) News anchors! Who make the most perfect team on the planet! There’s some angst, but this is great fluff. And more bonus points for Clarke and Bellamy being idiots in love.

Rock Bottom by @detectivebellamyblake Bellamy/Clarke & Murphy/Raven, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) Wowee, I love so many things about this fic! Clarke and Murphy are my brotp, so I think that’s why I clicked on it to begin with. I hope to have a group of friends like this when I’m in my mid to late 20s, so I guess I’ve got a couple more years to get working on that. I also love that everyone ends up owning up to the shit they’ve done wrong and growing, which is something we don’t always get to see. And there are such cute moments between so many characters!

Burning Cities and Napalm Skies by @jarleene Murphy/Raven, Rated M (Multi-Chapter) Honestly, don’t remember how I found this one, but I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. I’m really only into Murven in AUs (as I’m low key Memori trash), but this fic just had me hooked. Also as someone who wondered if the show would ever question having to repopulate the human race, I was very on board with the concept. Dare I say bits of this more sense than the season 6 we were actually given?

feat. by Debate Murphy/Emori, Rated T (One-Shot) Please forgive the fact that I called myself Memori trash, yet there is only one Memori fic on this rec list. (But also, if anyone wants to rec me some Memori stuff, literally send it all my way!) I love musician AUs, so I was immediately sold on the idea of Murphy admiring Emori’s band’s music and wanting to write a song with her. It’s just so cute!

WIPs Not as many of these, because I can only follow along with so many unfinished things at a time, but these are ones I’ve been keeping up with!

If the Right One Came Along by @useyourtelescope Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M Another celebrity AU, with a side of friends with benefits! Bellamy is a famous historian, and I am here for that. Literally peak nerd, I’m so proud of him. I really enjoy Clarke and Bellamy’s dynamic as they have to figure out how to be friends again after naturally drifting apart when he moved away. And it feels like each subsequent chapter gets cuter!

All Because of You by @burninghoneyatdusk Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E It’s another best friend’s brother fic! This time with a pregnancy! I really enjoy that this story switches back and forth between the past and the present, so we get to see moments of Bellamy and Clarke when they were teenagers/baby adults, and we get to see them be amazing co-parents in the present as well.

The Hungry and The Hunted by @octaviadblake Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T As I said before, I love musician AUs, and I’m so absolutely pumped for more of this story. I’m a huge fan of Bellamy and Murphy’s dynamic. The 80s setting works really well, and I’m already preparing myself for the coming angst.

someone let the poets out by @kindclaws Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M Another actor AU! But this time, actors gone rogue! This fic is also really cool because it’s mixed media, so there’s little tweets and Tumblr posts and whatnot throughout, so I’ll give you the same recommendation the author does to not read this one on mobile.

That’s all I’ve got for now. But happy reading!

#the 100 #the 100 fanfiction #bellarke fanfiction #bellarke fic rec #the 100 fic rec #fic rec #this was fun to curate #and if anyone wants another at any point in time #hit me up and let me know

154 notes · View notes

mytwitterisdogtoast1 · 4 years ago

Text

Yugi’s decks and some other odd stuff that just makes sense.

This is a weird double kind of post where I focus on many things because of a little project I’ve been working on. So as anyone who has ever grown up and has been into Yu-Gi-Oh knows you just can’t not like the anime. From the ridiculous duels and cards to the ridiculous hair on every single character and I’m not talking about the newer shows so much as just the original show because that’s probably the “best” one to most people (partial to GX myself even though I know it’s not the best and Konami kinda messed up on it at the end of the series in USA). See if you watch the show a simple easy thing that anyone who gets it would like would be to get the decks of a character. Heck even if it was Weevil people would be a little excited but not as excited as if they got one of the main characters. Which was great because even though it’s old news I was very excited to buy the legendary decks for Yugi. See that is an amazing product idea that can bring in everyone who likes Yu-Gi-Oh. You bring in the casuals by giving them his decks, you bring in the collectors for cards that don’t exist yet here in the west or even those who have missed out on older cards, and you bring in the more serious crowd for cards that are in archetypes that might be harder to find maybe (probably not because the game has evolved to such a degree that even mirror force isn’t good anymore.) but still 2/3 ain’t bad. Let’s be honest though. This is Konami so they’re gonna find a way to fuck it up and I’m a decent guy so I usually try to have some faith in things. Even things like Konami who ruin most of their IPs in general but hey, I keep that faith. This was a simple thing to do but in the end they messed it up with really easy to do things. Now let’s just be really honest about this. if this product interested you. You would buy it if it hit the sweet spot of cost = product. I know I would and I’m sure many others would as well. Let’s assume Konami does its best in that it not only releases every single card Yugi has ever used before but also makes each card that doesn’t exist, to exist. They would have to make a handful of cards yes, but people would probably go and buy that product cause every deck he’s run is in it in their entirety. We can assume they would use his actual deck lists and make his actual decks. Yeah, his decks are not good but let’s face it fan, cosplayers, kids, adults and everyone and their grandma would buy this product. Nostalgia is a huge thing nowadays and even if we can’t play it in a tournament and hope to win we could just roll up, throw down a fiver and just play that sweet sweet celtic guardian. Now let’s be a little more realistic. Let’s assume we take the middle road which is absolutely the best idea. Heck we’ll take both sides of that road and give two middle road ideas that are the best idea. Make his actual decks and only use cards printed while printing about 5 cards that haven’t been made. That electromagnetic turtle is pretty dope not gonna lie. Point is even then we would still get a 4 card deck from each main part of the journey. 120 cards, 5 promos, the art cards for duelist kingdom, the god cards (playable or not even) would not set anyone back hard in printing since they’re all stuff already made in real life and would even bring cards like torike and horn imp into the west which haven’t even come here. Heck don’t even make decks. Throw in every card from every single season he has ever used. We don’t need to have 2 giant soldier of stones. (yes he uses two at one point) It would however be nice if we just got the cards the way he has them in looks and what he has. Call it Yugis legendary collection and it is the same exact thing. The worst thing you could do is just make his deck and just add in random shit like 3 dark magician girls. Which is what they did. Like This is a simple thing to make man how could you mess up by adding cards he didn’t use in decks when they didn’t exist then? Even detonate which is a card Kaiba uses. Look man it’s not the biggest of deals but the fact that the next set was stuff “based on their main cards” and Yugi had exodia? HE USED IT IN ONE DUEL. Make a dark magician deck. Sure it would reprint some of the same stuff but lets face it. THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE WOULD WANT. We don’t want something LIKE it. We want that thing. Why does this matter? Honestly besides how sad the product was it really made me want the thing I didn’t get and it is near impossible ( at least I assume) to get torike and horn imp in the west when I believe it has had one printing in the east only and the only way to buy the cards are to go buy Orica stuff. Which in their own way is nice too. Support artists. So I took it upon myself to make those exact decks and to in general just make it a small side project in my life. Duelist kingdom deck was mostly easy to do and I am missing just 3 cards so I can buy 2 of them no problem and the others are torike and horn imp. Cards we never got (fuck you Konami). That’s when I started to see the other seasons which are not cannon in comics but are technically cannon in the show. Filler is a very iffy thing to use but I’m super casual and actually like filler in things I like. Hell DBZ has some of the better filler in the side stuff it puts in because it never really changes much. However sometimes you can have too much filler or filler that changes the series totally (stares at bleach, Naruto, and one piece. You all know what you did). Now why does this also matter? Because it raises a ton of questions about the series in general when you look at a characters decks. Did you know that as iconic as Gaia the fierce knight is he doesn’t show up past duelist kingdom? Even in the manga he only has it in duelist kingdom. This raises a ton of questions. Like Gaia the dragon champion is really good in the anime. Because let’s face it. If you are going to use chimera in your duels than why not have Gaia in there as well to make a stronger monster? It’s one of his boss monsters. I mean he still uses curse of dragon in every deck except waking the dragons which again I know it’s not fully cannon but that shouldn’t stop them from using him. Unless there was a decent enough reason. I think that reason is you don’t need the monster itself in duelist kingdom to make the fusion. Which I can actually make an argument for. Yugi has 2 monsters in his deck. First is Black skull dragon and Dragon master knight. I know one is filler but it would fit the same argument regardless because even if we take from the anime it might be a little different in the manga and comic for battle city but that is indeed cannon. So the point I’m making is it’s a little strange Yugi would have either of those mosnters in his deck. He never knew he was going to work with Joey or Kaiba ever so why would he just have them? Trade doesn’t really work that way in the show cause we never see it and I know that dude isn’t carrying around cards because let’s face it. He didn’t bring anything but his cards and a glove. He didn’t have replacement cards. Which makes you wonder where the time wizard was from when he gave it to joey. He isn’t carrying extra cards cause the world doesn’t have packs the same way and cards would be more diverse or shittier and packs are like 5 cards per pack. So having such a rare and powerful card like that and it just “being around” makes 0 sense. Which makes you believe that it came from his deck. So time wizard was an original card. We have to remember that the reason he never played it is he never drew it in his duels and then gave it to Joey. Which makes the most sense. So if we go by that logic it would be understandable that since time wizard doesn’t fuse into baby dragon that you don’t even need thousand dragon in the extra deck. That also means dark sage isn’t even in Yugis deck because if it was meant to pair with time wizard he’d have taken it out or he just simply never ran into it or was a jerk and threw it in to counter Joey. So by that logic the reason Gaia never made a return is he never had the fusion in the first place. This makes me assume many things about the decks written are kind of misleading. Firstly the fact that Yugi has the same deck kind of but changes it every season. It makes 0 sense that he would in a world where cards are not a common supply even though it is the most common thing in his world to have that he would just always remake his deck mostly alike and then in general change 10 cards out only to put them back in to only take them out again. So when mysical elf is in his deck in virtual world but he doesn’t put 2 giant soldiers of stone in makes me question if he actually even doesn’t have mystical elf in his deck normally but sure as heck has feral imp. I came to the conclusion that in every season Yugi is just running the same deck with no differences. If there are differences it would be he added them in later on because he got the card and the only reason we never see it is that the man has over 80 cards in his deck. No it’s not 40 no matter how many times he says it because anime rules. It makes even less sense to change the deck not just for every season but every duel that he would have life shaver in against Kaiba only and then never play it in a duel ever again or something along those lines. Why does this matter? If I am going to make his decks I want to be as “accurate” as possible and am going to make his decks but it’s not like anyone wants to just make 7 decks for the dude. Especially when you take the Pharaoh into account as well. And who even wants to actually just make a Yugi themed deck? It’s not the same as having his decks themselves. It is much cooler in the end to actually have his deck. Even if it is 4000 cards large.

#yugioh #yami yugi #yugi moto #konami #legendary decks #deck #atem

4 notes · View notes

thecoleopterawithana · 5 years ago

Note

What does your tag "Paul is a concept why which we measure our pain" mean?

Hello, Anon dear!

I applaud your sharp eye! You know, I actually thought twice about adding the tag to that particular post; even going as far as deleting it and then putting it in again. My reticence came from the fact that the reference was quite oblique (even for my standards). Nevertheless, this is a subject that I’ve been mulling over lately, so I thought, “Whatever, these tags are mostly for me, anyway!”

But you caught me! (Though I appreciate that you did.)

I first came across this brilliant phrase in a tag by none other than the ever-insightful @amoralto. I’ve since found out that Rob Sheffield has a chapter of the same title in his Dreaming the Beatles (2017), though he doesn’t go exactly where I thought he would with it; I don’t think we give it the same meaning.

It is, of course, a variation of John’s “God is a concept by which we measure our pain”, whose meaning didn’t hit me fully until I read his 1971 interview with Robin Blackburn and Tariq Ali (the post in which @amoralto used the tag). Here he describes how Janov’s Primal Scream Therapy had been for him until that point about acknowledging and facing his own pain, going to the root of it, instead of seeking refuge in the usual distractions and God-like figures absolution. I can not recommend this quote enough. It is, in my opinion, essential to understanding John Lennon.

In fact, the deeper understanding about this side of John was so important to me that I made a whole post about his patterns of disillusionment immediately after. There, I try to express, among other things, what the phrase "Paul is a concept by which we measure our pain" means to me.

In short, what all this God/Idol/Parental-figure talk boils down to is Agency and the existence or absence of a conscious exercising of it. It’s about the perception of control and how that translates to notions of power.

To reach the absurdity of quoting myself:

“I can’t say that I’m familiar with theology or the exploration of the purpose of faith, but I see John as addressing how people use God - and all the other things he claims he doesn’t believe in anymore - as coping mechanisms for the pain in their lives. The greater the pain, the more you cling to these “distractions” from reality.

Though, this is not simply about distractions, like drugs, sex and success, as a means of escapism. When the despair is overwhelming, you want someone or something you can hand it all over to, and an all-powerful entity to whom you can just turn everything in and absolve yourself of the responsibility. And this Father figure will either make it better and make the pain go away, or it will tell you that there is a grander purpose to the pain, life works in mysterious ways, and it is as it is destined to be.

But the main point here is John’s need to hand over responsibility.”

My hypothesis is that John was made to feel so unloved, his self-esteem was destroyed in such a way as a child, that he doesn’t believe himself to have agency over his life, to have the power to actually chose. Or if he does, he’d rather hand-over that power to someone else and be simply taken care of, instead of having to face the world alone and vulnerable, a possible victim of his own mistakes.

But if John’s strategy in the face of pain and fear was to give up control, Paul’s response was to seize it.

I have explored the possible origins of this coping mechanism in a post about Paul’s childhood. There I propose that the pain of suddenly losing his mother and then feeling he couldn’t count on his father in the aftermath convinced him that he couldn’t really rely on anyone but himself.

To quote myself again:

“Not only had the only reality he’d ever known been destroyed by his mother’s sudden death, his own father – who was supposed to be this strong, unshakable pillar in his life – couldn’t be relied on to hold it together.

Paul had been let down. He was on his own.

Fear steems from a feeling of powerlessness. You feel painfully vulnerable to whatever life might throw at you, at constant risk of being hurt again, and the only solution is to be on the lookout. Be prepared.

Paul was caught unawares because the people he’d counted on to always be there suddenly weren’t. And with his compassionate and reasonable nature, he probably didn’t even blame them at all. But the facts were that Paul had been left hanging, not once but twice, when he needed them the most. So he kind of lost his faith in everything.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable; and people, through no fault of their own, are just as inconstant.

And so, in order not to risk being let down again, Paul took matters into his own hands. He tried to escape the pain and dread of being powerless by seizing control of whatever he could. And that was mostly himself.

And so begins Paul McCartney’s saga of isolating independence and other control-issues.”

It’s that last bit about the “isolating independence” that I haven’t explored fully yet, though it’s something I hope to put out soon.

The thing is, Paul got really good at being self-sufficient. He was confident and had his hands firmly placed on the steering wheel of his own life. He felt he had agency; he had control; he had power.

In a world where people mostly feel afraid, lonely, and powerless, someone who presents such strength is magnetic. You can’t help but admire and love them; you want to be watched over by them and be loved in return.

And there were those who felt rejected from the start, and so grew hateful of their Idol (Yoko Ono, Allen Klein, Phil Spector, Jann Wenner).

But then there were those who felt the Grace of God shining upon them, but by then, they didn’t want to feel such an imbalance in the relationship. Anyone can be a god, after all.

So now Paul’s self-reliance didn’t just mean strength; it meant detachment. As John put it in that Blackburn interview:

“The worst pain is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way you need them.”

John’s biggest fear and hurt was that of feeling like he needed Paul a lot more than Paul needed him.

That’s why we reach a point where Paul’s way of showing love (especially by trying to help and “ease the pain”) is no longer welcome because it only served to increase the perceived imbalance in the relationship. Paul was seen as always fine and unbothered, so much so that he could afford to be “charitable” with his bandmates. It made them feel inept and redundant.

And this is not just in John’s “head”. This was exactly George’s main complaint during the breakup: that even though Paul always helped him with his songs, he never took George’s own suggestions, which made George feel infantilized, unappreciated and no more than a “backing band”.

Of course, things get infinitely more interesting once we also look at them from inside Paul himself! But I’ll leave that to its own post; I feel I’ve given enough spoilers as it is.

In summary, that tag is used when I feel there is an instance of people treating Paul like God: an unknowable, generally-benevolent, omnipotent being, whose grace you seek so he may deliver you from pain and fear.

And you both adore his steadfastness, his unconditionality, and resent him for being invulnerable, unaffected by your behaviour.

And when you suddenly feel abandoned by this God, if you no longer feel his love or as if he didn’t do his job of saving you from harm, you may as well cast him and his “religion” away; accuse him of being a false idol and everyone who still loves him to be ignorant mislead fools.

(Of course, needless to say that Paul was no unshakable god. But like I said, more on that later.)

#asks me why #paul mccartney #John Lennon #yoko ono #George Harrison #paul is a concept by which we measure our pain #I've seen religion from Jesus to Paul #i just believe in me #I don't examine myself that way #the person I actually picked as my partner #macca #johnny #geo #(unexpected #meta #my stuff #(you really caught me unawares anon... I was wanting to talk about this on a post of its own. Oh well! I'll just repeat myself probably #(And dig a little deeper with actual quotes to support my theories)

137 notes · View notes

makaris · 5 years ago

Text

Holy fuck, the Iowa Caucus

Okay so I want to break this down, mostly as a way to help myself make sense of it all. If this helps other folks understand the time line of events, all the better. My ‘sources’ are scattered and random, as I’ve been absorbing most of this stuff through osmosis and it’s super hard nailing down the ‘best’ link to something, given how fast all this is moving.

I will arbitrarily start my rant here.

BUTTIGIEG BLOCKS CRITICAL DES MOINES POLL

https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/02/iowa-poll-swiftly-spiked-after-buttigieg-campaign-issues-complaint

Shortly before the Iowa Caucus was to begin, the CNN/Des Moines poll was set to release. This is, apparently, a very important poll that a lot of the mainstream media (MSM) had already scheduled a lot of coverage for, as it would be a good indicator of the final state of things just before the election.

Then, Buttigieg campaign blocks its release. Why? Well, their campaign claimed that one of the pollsters may have not been giving out Buttigieg’s name while calling out. Not for any nefarious reason, just what is basically an IT issue. This alone isn’t really too bad. And, in a vacuum, not really worth too much fuss over. Like, I do think it’s a bit weird that CNN would let all that money/effort go to waste over a single campaigns minor complaint, but, still, whatever.

The fact that the poll ended up getting leaked and was very favorable to Bernie (and VERY unfavorable to Biden) is another small annoyance. It would have probably helped get a bit of positive / surprise coverage shortly before the caucus. But again, whatever.

https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/unreleased-final-iowa-poll-had-biden-in-fourth

Given what all ends up happening, it’s a just a prelude to some REAL hinky shit.

THAT FUCKING APP

So election day comes. I and many others are tuned into various outlets. We have the NYT and other vote trackers open, watching it all roll out. Looks like it’s going good for Bernie. Oh Boy!

Then, around 10PM, the numbers get pulled. We’re told that some app that was being used to communicate the votes was messing up. Numbers were going missing. They aren’t adding up. Tons of nonsense goes down.

The company that created the app is a company called Shadow (yes, really), which is part of a larger group called Acronym. It is staffed by ex Clinton staffers and other failures closely tied to the establishment, so the app being a POS should not be a surprise to anyone. Oh, and the company accepted over $42k from Buttigieg’s campaign.

https://www.truthorfiction.com/did-pete-buttigiegs-campaign-donate-42500-to-iowa-caucus-app-developer-shadow-inc/

It should be mentioned that this company and the people behind it will face no real repercussions. Yeah ‘Shadow’ might go under, but and they might have temporarily lost a few contracts with the DNC. But never underestimate how corrupt the democratic consultant class can be. They’ll be back to fuck some other shit up in no time.

Now, again, not trying to be conspiratorial here. Maybe the vapid bougie fucks behind this had no ill intent. Maybe their worst crime is being morons who did not test their software and accepted money unthinkingly. But at the very least, their history as agents positioned against one of the front runners, and acceptance of money from one of the others, is a clear conflict of interest and should not have been allowed to happen.

Moving on.

BERNIE RELEASES INTERNAL NUMBERS, BUT BUTTIGIEG VICTORIOUS?

Sander’s campaign releases their internal numbers, showing they are leading by a solid 5 points.

https://twitter.com/reaIKevin/status/1224685920504504321/photo/2

The above is the best we had that night.

Then, Buttigieg ended up reporting that he was ‘victorious’. This is obviously misleading at best, as he’d have no way of really knowing that. It was just blustering. An attempt to get ahead of the chaos and create The Narrative.

I won’t go into it right now, as this post is going to be long. But, in the end, the truth is not nearly as important as what people believe. If Pete can successfully insert the idea that he is winning, enough people won’t question it that you’ll gain some converts, regardless of it being untrue. Now, MSM would (surprisingly!) criticize him, a bit, but not nearly enough to make it a bad play, strategically. Pete is dangerous, because he’s the kind of guy that can identify an opening like this, see how it will play out, and shameless act on it.

When he got called out on it (again, surprisingly), he would later claim that he was being just being poetic / flowery, and didn’t mean to say that they had come in 1st and won, which is what victorious means. Pete’s lying, of course, because he is a liar who lies.

We’re getting head of ourselves. Let’s see what happens the next morning...

CONTROLLING THE NARRATIVE

The party decides that they need to do a LOT of ‘quality control’, and it’s just too much to release all at once. They need to do it small batches. And the initial 62% they decide to first release excludes all the area’s where Bernie is doing the best.

https://twitter.com/joules1971/status/1225057375540916226/photo/1

Hey look, Pete’s fucking winning now (if you exclude all the poorer, urban, or minority focused areas)! The numbers aren’t in yet, but it fits The Narrative, so who cares!

From then, past initial 62% release up to the 80-something-% yesterday, we at least have some data. We can look past the noise and see that Buttigieg’s claim to victory is NOT based on the popular vote. It turns out that, even with the releases being poised against him, Bernie is still leading in both the 1st and 2nd round of voting. The only thing he did not take is the SDE count, so they are end up tied for Delegates. What are SDE’s? They’re State Delegate Equivalents. I’m not going to claim to understand how it works, as it is extremely arcane, but an easier way to think about it is that Bernie won the popular vote, but Buttigieg won some Iowa-based electoral college. And even there, is only winning by a slim margin.

It is very important to stress that the delegates from Iowa BARELY MATTER. They’re not why Iowa is significant. The reason we care at all is winning Iowa means you get positive press, and a news cycle dedicated to you. Most voters do not pay much attention, and will generally vote for whoever they perceive to be winning. And who they perceive to be winning is generally based on what the media tells them.

If the goal was to hurt whoever truly won the Iowa election, you would do exactly this. You would you string along the release of info for as long as possible, so that either A) someone else gains the benefits of the election, based on misrepresenting, incomplete data OR B) folks stop paying attention.

Let’s stop and think. A bunch of stuff has happened already. Is it gross incompetence? Or is there nefarious intent? Both? Does the DNC even deserve the benefit of the doubt, after all the shit that they are on the record pulling in 2016?

Let’s assume incompetence for now, and see if it’s even still possible to think that later.

The point is, Bernie was getting his (OUR) media cycle stolen, and Buttigieg is now starting to gain in the polls.

UH OH, MATH IS HARD!

It starts coming out that the totals we were getting were incorrect.

https://twitter.com/Harvard4Bernie/status/1225189173998411778

Bernie votes (and a few from Warren even!) were going to other candidates. Black Hawk County managed to break into the news cycle, but they were far from alone.

https://twitter.com/MCulshawMaurer/status/1225198291140268033

https://twitter.com/crulge/status/1225185093091840002

https://twitter.com/Banalization/status/1225199174171451393

https://twitter.com/MikePrysner/status/1225229056519503872

Turns out TONS of counties were seeing major discrepancies. And, for some reason, all these errors and miscalculations were seeming to only break against Bernie. In some areas, all of Bernie's votes going to fucking Deval or Steyer, who otherwise had basically no support. The only reason we found out is because of local leaders that were smart enough to keep there own numbers, were paying close attention, and caught it. If they hadn’t, we would have never known. Now that’s what I call ~~~QUALITY CONTROL~~~~<3

I goes without saying that the DNC’s numbers at this point are EXTREMELY SUSPECT, and Bernie’s numbers are starting to look like they might be closer to the truth. However, even with this blatant idiocy / corruption (your pick), Bernie still has the popular vote.

TOM PEREZ NEEDS TO RESIGN

That brings us to earlier today, 02/06. 97% of the votes are in. Bernie is only down by 0.1 points in SDE’s, still will ahead in the popular vote, and we’re clearly going to win at this point.

https://twitter.com/micahuetricht/status/1225131303189852160

The remaining votes are coming from satellite locations, mostly minority groups. These groups were pulled in by the Bernie campaign and with their support we would surely pull in that last 0.2 percent needed to win in EVERY metric. There would be no way that the MSM or other campaigns could spin this. Bernie Won!

Then, Tom Perez puts his foot down, sees Bernie Winning all these unfortunate, unforeseen issues, and decides it’s high time to pull the plug and start the whole thing over from the beginning.

https://twitter.com/TomPerez/status/1225468833458245632

Tom Perez, in case you don’t remember, has been in control of the DNC since 2017 but was an opponent of Sanders during the 2016, including him offering plans on how to best shiv Bernie that were discovered in the Podesta leaks.

https://wikileaks.org/podesta-emails/emailid/4429

Notably, he helped engineer the narrative that Bernie could only connect with white liberals (ie the Bernie Bros myth), which has been something the Bernie campaign has been able to successfully push back on until it is now not only untrue, but the exact opposite of the truth. POC are the back bone of Bernie’s campaign!

https://twitter.com/CANCEL_SAM/status/1225566817889980418

ANYWAY, Tom Perez, sleazeball he is, decided to wait until just before we had crossed the finish line to pull this stunt. This is a pretty transparent attempt to delay the results (and the left’s victory!) as long as possible. It also achieves the goal keeping Pete out front and able to boost his polling going into the next states. Which is so far working for them, gaining 6-9 points just this week in NH.

https://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/latest_polls/democratic_nomination_polls/

I don’t think anyone would be opposed to a recount, but there can be no reason to not release the last 3% (which they already had: (https://twitter.com/JennUWinn84/status/1225474355028746241). It is overt, blatant corruption.

THE TAKE AWAY / WHAT DO WE DO?

- Don’t feel hopeless. That’s what they want.

- It is super important that we not only win, but we need to win in CRUSHING numbers. Because the DNC will pull every trick in the book to stop us, and we need to be ready.

- Paper. Fucking. Ballots. You’re not a Luddite for wanting this. It’s just the most practical, tamper-proof method. The app was a technocratic solution that was sold to the DNC, based on a problem they invented.

- More transparent oversight of our elections. We invade South American countries due to electoral malfeasance with weaker pretenses then what just happened.

- Capitalists will always break fascist when confronted with the possibility of marginally higher taxes. ALWAYS. For these reasons, If/When Bernie takes over the party, the DNC needs to be purged of EVERY LAST Reagan/Bush/Clinton era asset. We don’t need them, they are not our allies, they will actively try to sabotage us, and for all these reasons and more unity with them is impossible.

- Do not play into the ‘VOTE BLUE NO MATTER WHO’ game. It is not the time for that. We are in the primary, and Bernie is the front runner. The old arguments no longer apply, and no longer matter.

There are real fucking stakes here, and half/partial measures aren’t worth shit. It doesn’t matter if YOU think you’re being principled by showing up to cast a vote for Bloomburg over Trump. Anyone other then Bernie will suppress the vote, full stop. When people don’t vote, republicans win. You will not be successful in holding poor / underprivileged people hostage and trying to activate them politically if all your promising them is the status quo, or wonky means tested BS.

- We’re winning!...

https://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/2020-primary-forecast/

... But pretend we’re losing! We can’t get complacent.

Ok that’s enough. I have idea if anyone will read all this as I have like... four...? Followers? Sorry for my rant, but it’s time to get politically engaged!

#democrats #2020 Election #bernie sanders #dnc #tom perez #pete buttigieg #elizabeth warren #joe biden #bloomburg #iowa caucus

7 notes · View notes

tothedarkdarkseas · 5 years ago

Note

For fanfic writer ask meme: E, J, K, M, P(for any fic or all your fics), R, T, X, and Y. (If that's too many questions, then you can split the answer into multiple posts. Also, no need to answer if you already answered these questions before.)

Thank you so much! I’ll put these below a cut just to account for the length, and I pray Tumblr works like it’s supposed to this evening! I appreciate you having an interest!

E: What character do you identify with most? Is there a certain fic of yours that captures these qualities particularly well?

I really do not identify with Gorillaz characters and thank god for it, or most characters I tend to prefer! Haha, I know that might sound a bit strange, but I can think of very few characters I’d call “my favorite” that I also felt were a reflection of myself in a major way. Of course that isn’t implying that representation isn’t important, but just speaking for my own personal relationship to media– I live with myself all the time, I like people who live very different lives! Having said that, of the characters I write (all two, possibly three of ‘em) I’d say I identify with some of Stu’s worst qualities over anything else: being unambitious but craving reward, self-centered yet lacking in a concrete sense of self, dumb about mostly everything, overcompensating (to be fair, this is Murdoc as well) and so on. Despite picking fun at him I definitely have an affection for an unlikable guy like Stu, I do have sympathy for being sorta pathetic because I feel like I can access that.

J: What’s your favorite fanfic trope? Have you written it?

Hmm! That’s hard to say! At the risk of being an absolute knob, I don’t tend to be a fan of tropes, or at least what I think is meant here by “fanfic tropes” like uhh… the heat goes out and we have to share a bed, or that kind of thing? Is that what this means, the sort of repeated setups for fics? There’s of course a place for everything so I’ve got no real beef with more innocuous stuff, but I wouldn’t say I ever pick to read something because it’s got a “classic” trope. I’m definitely rife with tropes in the broader sense though, I’m rife with things I like and clearly just repeat, haha. I do not smoke pot, but I have a real affinity for characters who do, and this is evidenced by having like… half my stories feature that, haha. If a scene where two characters creep up to being intimate via sharing a joint/bowl/bong counts, that’s definitely a trope I’ve done and would probably do again.

K: Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

Does the above count? I’d certainly call myself self-indulgent, haha, I like what I like and I don’t stray very far from it. I think unsatisfying or incompatible intimacy is really interesting and I honestly never get tired of reading or writing that. (Er, as much as I “don’t get tired” of writing anything, which is not saying much as I’m very bad and undisciplined.)

M: What’s the weirdest AU scenario you’ve ever come up with? Did it turn into a story?

The only AU I’ve written is Coffin Dancer, which is a story set in the early 1900s about Murdoc being a reanimated corpse and Stu being a gravedigger who buries/exhumes him. Sexy, I know, nothing hotter than… long paragraphs about digging. I think the occult element makes that one a bit weirder than anything else I’ve come up with. I’ve kind of entertained other AU ideas but they tend to be a lot more mundane, to be frank I just really like the characters as they are and I don’t want to change their dynamic too much. As a joke I once suggested something about a riverboat casino (Stu working there, Murdoc trying to pull a money laundering scam via currency exchange, potentially convincing Stu to go in on the scam with him) and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still think about it sometimes and question how to make it work, haha. I think it might be fun to do an AU again, but I think there’s just too much of a gap between what I’d want to do or be capable of doing, and what people actually want to read.

P: Where did you find the most inspiration for your story ?

Oh gosh, this makes it sound so important and I feel like the biggest jag going to pretend I’ve made anything that great or with particularly impressive roots, haha. A couple came from prompts, so that’s a fairly straightforward answer.

I first began planning Coffin Dancer because I was playing Graveyard Keeper on Steam at the time, haha. If you load up this game, you’ll quickly see there is next to no plot and it is simply a crafting sim. I just sorta… liked the setting, I guess? It is the 1900s and it does follow a graveyard keeper! Following that, I decided it would be a story about Murdoc’s skin turning from tan to green as it does in canon, but giving it a bit of a morbid tint, as opposed to the vague canon handwaves of Murdoc being “immortal” with no clear explanation of what that means.

Ampersands was mostly inspired by me being a big Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan and thinking it’d be fun to show a dynamic similar to Angelus/Drusilla/Spike, but heavily reworked to fit our characters. The first scene I imagined was the shoelace-tying one which has some resemblance to a shot of Angelus knelt at Spike’s feet while still mocking him, and that ended up being the very last scene I wrote (and probably one of the weaker ones.)

On Oysters and Black Water was actually the story that required the least research from me, as I already had an interest in oyster filtration and oyster reef restoration. By no means am I an expert nor is this story a genuinely educated look at this process (I am Genuinely Educated on zero things) but I definitely knew when planning a PB story that I wanted oysters to be used for a filtration system on the island, just as a little nod to something I find neat!

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing?

This really puts me at risk of sounding knobbish, so to start with: I’m not really a writer. Fanfiction writer is already not the most impressive title, but even that I feel is a little generous for me. I’ve written things, but I struggle far too much and have too little dedication to pretend it’s something I feel “cut from the same cloth” as these folks to do. The writers I admire have “influenced” me in the sense that I’ve wished I could write that way, and I’ve probably/definitely ripped them off.

Some will find this laughable, but I’m a fan of Joey Comeau’s writing style. I’ve enjoyed every book he’s published, in particular the short novels Malagash and Lockpick Pornography, and especially his… err, non-novel collection of cover letters Overqualified. (I think I’ve read Overqualified more than anything else on my bookshelf, but this is saying very very little as you can sit down and read it in about 30 minutes.) The darkly comedic way he presents these ideas, how he’ll expand on these very offbeat details and veer so far from the topic, then take sudden sharp turns into something uncomfortable is just enjoyable to me.

Also somewhat cliched now, but Peter S. Beagle’s The Last Unicorn is a beautiful book to me. Beagle’s writing style is ideal for the fantasy setting, the poetry in his prose does not tip over the “purple” line for me (but I’ve always been unclear where the line is, obviously) and I’d really… feel like I’d accomplished something if I could say anything half as powerful as this book.

Shirley Jackson, (famously) the author of The Lottery and (less famously) We Have Always Lived in the Castle springs to mind as well. The latter in particular has a gothic tone, an at times strange sentence structure and an unreliable POV, which probably influenced Coffin Dancer stylistically and everything else I’ve done in perspective/structure.

But as far as influences, nothing more directly influenced me than @elapsed-spiral‘s writing and characterization. Old drum I’ve beat before, but it’s simply the truth. I would not have tried to write fanfiction again (after… many, many years) if I hadn’t found Danni’s stories and felt that excitement of reading something truly special. Now, it’s important to note that Danni is British so they’ll come out in hives if I praise them too much, but sincerely nothing in recent years has made me feel a “passion” for reading or writing like Yearz did. The oneshots Fairy Vale and Beside the Sea also deserve special mention for just being goddamn phenomenally good character studies. “Influence on your writing” could be misleading, in the sense that Danni’s biggest strengths (namely Being Funny, Being Realistic and Knowing What You Are Talking About) are among my biggest weaknesses, and I don’t feel that stylistically we’re all that similar; on the flipside though, I think so much of my “improvement” is really owed to Danni, aaaand I don’t think you’d ever look at something I’ve written and miss the fact that it’s ripping off Yearz in one way or another.

T: Any fanfic tropes you can’t stand?

Ahaha, alright, this jogs my memory and I do remember stepping on eggshells to answer this before! I mentioned above that I’m just not a big fan of tropes in general, but that means nothing as I don’t… have good taste. I never have. Famously bad taste over here. I don’t have any interest in raining on anyone’s fun or policing fan content, but I think we’re all perfectly fine just co-existing without feeling obligated to anything. More than anything else, in Gorillaz specifically I’d say there are some portrayals of their relationship that I find a little dodgy and I tend to avoid, but I recognize full well that many people may feel the same way about me! I also just like the characters to be compelling and to be themselves, whatever your version of them is. Of course my characterization is bonkers and mostly made-up and I have no expectation that someone else’s should resemble mine, but even if we have different ideas, I don’t like to feel you can slot them out and anyone else in? Which is why standard tropes like “coffeeshop” or “fake dating” don’t tend to be my favorite. Oh, I’m also a fuddy-duddy and I don’t love the nicknames, haha.

X: How would you categorize your fanfic reading? Are you a voracious reader? Do you carefully pick and choose? Something in between?

I’m not a very big reader these days! I’d like to offer you a good excuse here, but I’m just picky, truth be told.

Y: What are your thoughts on your personal satisfaction with something you’ve written vs. the popularity of your stories? Do you tend to be most satisfied with your most popular stories?

In total honesty, it takes all of about a month to become completely unsatisfied with anything I’ve written. That’s not like, a plea for sympathy, it’s just being objective. I write comparatively little and comparatively slow, so whatever growth that may happen is still pretty limited and it’s a little disheartening, even if it’s also my own fault for having poor discipline. I would not call any of my stories “good,” at best “good for what they are.” There are definitely some I wished did better, I wished with a stupid amount of sincerity would hit some magical validating number that would Suddenly Mean It Was Good… but after a little distance, I can always understand why they wouldn’t.

Hoooowever, some are undeniably worse than others. Based on both hits and kudos, my most popular story is my first one (I Couldn’t Feel, So I Would Touch) and this is truly baffling as it’s garbage. I mean, with no exaggeration I just think this is bad writing through and through, it’s truly just the worst thing I’ve written over the age of 20. I hoped I’d get this question purely because of this, haha, I feel such shame every time I see this story at the top of my statistics page. If we consider that to be the “most popular,” no, I do not tend to be most satisfied with the most popular story. We could define that differently though; for example, I think the story that got the most notes here and I received spectacular fanart on (a thing I just… can’t believe can happen, how nice is that?) was Oysters, and at a time I did consider that my favorite, I was incredibly proud of it when I posted, and even if I’ve grown exhausted by my overwriting too much to read it again I do still rate it pretty favorably compared to the others. So it depends on what constitutes popular! But if we’re just talking hits and kudos, sadly my stats page puts some of the worst stuff at the top.

#i've got to head to bed so i apologize if there are any glaring errors in this answer!#Anonymous #thank you very much for the letters! that's a kindness!

2 notes · View notes

poppytheorist · 5 years ago

Text

Me Laughing

must’ve been one hell of a joke

Preamble

So, I was in the middle of writing a piece on [redacted] when Poppy released a 27-minute video of herself laughing. Naturally, that took priority. Sorry for my absence, this post took some time. And by “some time,” I mean “45 hours.”

This may be the best thing I’ve written, but it’s also the most insane thing I’ve written. In fact, I would label this post as ‘maddening.’ It’s possible you won’t be able to look at Poppy the same way again. I know I don’t. You can’t unread this, readers beware, [other dramatic warnings], etc., etc.

Descend when ready.

…

I thought “Concrete” was pretty #wild, but “Me Laughing” takes the cake. This video is pure lunacy, and I mean that somewhat literally since Poppy does laugh at what appears to be nothing for almost half an hour.

Due to the sheer insanity of “Me Laughing,” I’ve put together a handy little collage to help readers follow along. Behold: my barely passable Paint skills!

the pic for Section 4 basically explains everything

Before we begin, I need to address a few things. There’s at least, like, nine people who read this stuff, and while I can’t say that I envy you, I can say that I appreciate you. Thanks for sticking around.

However, there’s a funny thing that happens when you know you’re writing for an audience. You feel pressured to adapt your style. I feel the need to be a little more careful about some of the things I say, but that’s probably for the best. Hopefully this extra care will result in more coherent posts, but I doubt it.

This post will be long. Partially because “Me Laughing” is long, partially because I’ve padded this out with shaky theory about how the world works. Guess that’s no different than my other posts, but still, feel free to tune that out if you’re just here for the Poppy stuff, though maybe you’ll find some of it interesting.

I tend to write authoritatively, which may be misleading because I’m not always confident about what I’m saying. I simply enjoy taking things to their natural conclusions. Typically, there’s something interesting at the end. Or, at least, a premise insane enough to make writing about it enjoyable. See, for example, my post on “Concrete.” This post won’t be much different, maybe just a little crazier.

Now, I’ve got a funny feeling that some people may think I am “reading too much into this” or that Poppy’s work “isn’t that deep.” Hey, I get it. Those objections are completely understandable. I was once there myself, but now I’ve moved away from thinking that way. I’ll do my best to explain why.

From what I’ve seen, aesthetics (roughly: the study of art) is a total battlefield. Nobody agrees on anything, everybody thinks that only they can ‘properly’ understand art and that everyone else is wrong. There’s people who think beauty is objective, there’s people who think “no, that’s stupid, beauty is obviously subjective,” and there’s even the people who outright deny that aesthetics exists. Recently, we also had the pleasure of witnessing the aesthetics debate become another facet of the everlasting culture war. Think a line from “Play Destroy” sums my thoughts about that up: “oh boy!”

Needless to say, it’s a massive shitshow.

Despite my rather war-torn depiction of modern aesthetics, it might be a good thing that we can never ‘understand’ art. I hear that’s, like, part of the point. If art was ever ‘solved,’ well, we’d be faced with the idea that there is nothing ‘special’ about being human, that we’re just sacks of meat bumbling around with no purpose. Then everybody would, like, die or something. Truth hurts, art heals, let’s stay alive.

Anywho, I mention all this because there’s no rigorous way to determine how ‘deep’ a song (or any piece of art) is. You can’t just take a stick, poke it into some art, and say: “yep, this Poppy song is 75 [metres/fathoms/hands/whatever nonsense unit] deep!” Besides, nobody even agrees what ‘artistic depth’ means, and most attempts to define it flounder. If you listen closely, you can just faintly hear Goodhart laughing.

This is also why people who think they can ‘objectively’ analyze art are dogmatic blowhards. Any amount of rigorous thinking reveals that our standards for what make art ‘good’ or ‘bad’ are entirely baseless. No, seriously, it’s a case of channeling your inner Socrates and repeatedly asking ‘why’ until the other person throws their up their arms, leaves, and stops answering your texts.

We don’t even know what art is, so thinking you can ‘understand’ art and judge its ‘depth’ is pure arrogance. At least, until someone finds a way to math that shit. “Sounds solipsism.” Well, ya gotta start somewhere.

Now, does this mean we should also throw up our arms, say: “screw it” and return to binging Netflix and eating foods that you know aren’t good for you but you eat them anyways because they make you feel good and that’s what you need right now? Well, no, actually.

Even if we aren’t 100% sure what art is, or what we should do with it, there are some theories on art that I would call: “pretty not-terrible.” Some people have spent their entire lives thinking about these things and their insights are fascinating. However, I’m not here to talk theory. If you want to learn more, go pick up a book or something, nerd.

Anyway, one time this German guy said: “without music, life would be a mistake.” He also said that looking at things from multiple perspectives is pretty neat, so that’s what we’re here to do. Turns out art is kinda fun and spending a bit more time thinking about it pays dividends.

See, art just wants to be understood and so does Poppy. I want to give her and Titanic the benefit of the doubt and take them seriously as artists. While I don’t think everything they produce is God’s gift to earth (see: [redacted]), I do enjoy the majority of their work. Plus, the abstract and absurd nature of their content means writing about it is a blast.

Whether I truly believe any of the interpretations I come up with is irrelevant. Hell, I’m not even sure half of what I say even remotely resembles what Poppy and Titanic envisioned. But, that’s not the point. Shallow readings are a dime-a-dozen, see: Genius; I’m here to provide something better. To show that Poppy’s work, or any art, really, can be a whole lot more fun if you spend even just a teensy bit of time analyzing it. Hopefully I can also provide some of the tools to do so.

Enough rambling, let’s get into it.

Intro

At first glance, “Me Laughing” seems like Poppy doing cute ASMR for 27(!!) minutes while simultaneously trolling anyone who expected a video titled “Me Laughing” to be about anything different. Sure, but that reading gets a ‘B’ for ‘Basic.’

Yes, Poppy and Titanic often troll their audience. See: “A live Interview with Poppy.” But the trolling is both part of the delivery of their message and part of the message itself. So while “Me Laughing” looks like a simple ASMR troll video, I’m going to argue that it’s not.

Previously, Poppy released videos like “Delete Your Facebook” and “I’m Poppy.” Fun vids, but they’re made of looped clips. Thirty seconds in and you’ve watched the whole thing. Consider: “Me Laughing” is 27 minutes, but no parts are looped, it’s all original. As always, I’m just here to ask: why?

Since “Me Laughing” is not made up of looped clips, but is instead all original content, there is an inherent progression to the events. Each segment is unique, and when considered sequentially, pieces from each section build on each other to produce an artistic whole.

Yes, that’s a fancy way of saying it has a ‘story.’

Also, if you’ve watched the video, you’ll know that something just feels ‘off.’ If “Me Laughing” was ‘just’ Poppy ASMR, why does she constantly focus on a single point in the distance? What’s with Poppy’s frequent stares into the camera? And why the fuck is she wearing latex?

Clearly, something else is going on.

Detailed Summary

Let’s recall what actually happens in “Me Laughing.” Hopefully this recap will convey a sense of what ‘else’ exactly is going on and make the insane claims later on in the analysis a tad easier to swallow.

“Me Laughing” starts off pretty normally. Sections 1 and 2 are mostly Poppy laughing, as promised. Even in these early sections, however, we can still pick out some peculiar things.

In Section 1, and throughout the video, we see Poppy looking upwards as she laughs, as if she was remembering something funny that happened. Or as if she was thinking about something for a while and suddenly found it hilarious. “Maybe Poppy just looks upward when she laughs.” Doubtful. Try doing it right now. Feels weird, right? Whatever, moving on…

Next oddity: there’s a strange transitioning shot at the start of the video and between Sections 1 and 2 where the camera sweeps over Poppy’s latex-ed body. “Well, maybe Titanic just thought it would be cool to do it like that.” Yes, but why did he think it would be cool? Why that transitioning shot, out of all the possible ones? What purpose does it serve?

Also: Section 1 was a very steady shot, probably filmed using a tripod, or whatever fancy word camera-people use. However, the shot for Section 2 is shaky. Like, weirdly shaky. Maybe even too shaky. And this isn’t the only section filmed this way, half of “Me Laughing” is too. “Well, maybe Titanic can’t hold a camera steady.” No, that doesn’t seem right. We know Titanic can, in fact, hold a camera steady, or, at the very least, he possesses the means to take a steady shot. See: literally all Poppy videos. No, the shaky-cam is intentional. Again, I’m just here to ask: why?

Now, I don’t mean to tip my hand too much here, but to me, the camera’s sway resembles the unsteady gaze of a curious observer. Perhaps one who is timidly stepping around the beheld, drinking in all the angles. Recall my post on “Touch Poppy.” With steady camera shots, it’s easy to forget someone is on the other side, but with unsteady shots, it’s downright impossible to ignore, e.g., “wow, that shaky-cam is really noticeable. What is this, a shitty sequel to the Blair Witch Project?” Perhaps these sections were filmed this way to emphasize the presence of an observer. As for why such a thing would be emphasized—well, we’ll get to that.

Around the 3:30 mark, Poppy shakes her head and clearly utters a, “m-mm,” as in, “nuh-uh, no way.” This gesture is repeated throughout the video. I’ll let you think about that one.

The video continues, and at 3:52 the camera lazily pans down, focusing on Poppy’s body and cutting her head out of the shot for several seconds, similar to the transition shot from Section 1 to 2. Thirty seconds later, the same thing happens. Guess this isn’t just Titanic diversifying the shot composition. It’s also about this point where attempts to pass “Me Laughing” off as anything resembling a ‘normal’ video start to fall apart.

Poppy’s sitting position in Section 3 is both clever and hilarious. It shows her whole get-up, highlighting how absurdly tall her platform shoes are. She also flip-flops her feet back and forth several times as if to further emphasize her mega-shoes. Why would she wear such crazy shoes for a simple video of herself laughing?

That’s not all that’s ‘off’ about Section 3—this is also the first section where Poppy stares at a spot in the distance for a prolonged period of time. In several instances, she quizzically tilts her head to the side, not unlike a faithful dog trying to decipher commands from her master. At 6:23 we also get a clear “huh,” a noise of acknowledgement, of understanding. Further, Section 3 has several stretches of silence where Poppy is no longer laughing. She just sits there while you watch. It’s… unsettling.

Section 4 is shot in a similarly shaky-style to Section 2, but this time with Poppy sitting down. Also, we see instances of Poppy focusing on something off in the distance both when she is laughing and when she is not, as was the case in the previous sections. However, there are some weird things about Section 4 that set it apart from the others and further develop the video.

Around the 8:38 mark, Poppy utters a “mm-mm-mm” sound while shaking her head and staring off into the distance. It’s fairly clear that she is communicating with something off-screen. Perhaps entities that are invisible to us. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say these off-screen entities are the things making her laugh.

We will see more evidence of Poppy supposedly communicating with invisible beings later, however, this is bordering on fetishizing Poppy’s lore as opposed to analyzing her artistic message. If you’re half-learned on Poppy lore (which, you better be, considering the fact that you’re reading this), this would be like focusing on the identity of ‘They’ instead of the significance of ‘They.’ Another example would be focusing on the ‘origin’ of Poppy, e.g., is she an android? Who is her creator? Etc., instead of asking why someone would create the artistic work of Poppy in the first place and/or considering the implications of said work.

If you’ve read anything else I’ve written, perhaps you’ve noticed that I try and stay away from acknowledging that Poppy even has lore. I want to take Poppy seriously, not literally. Or, in “pretentious asshole” terms, to consider her work artistically, not canonically. There are many reasons for this and I didn’t just get here randomly overnight, but that’s for another post.

Edgy ranting aside, there’s another part of Section 4 that I’d like to point out. Before this section, there was only a single instance of Poppy looking into the camera (happened in Section 2), but in Section 4, she frequently looks into the lens, acknowledging that an observer is present. She shoots this observer a flurry of dark and mischievous glances. Then she laughs.

Section 5 features more head shaking, distant staring, etc., but it is also a relatively sad section. Poppy laughs very little, and frequently looks down. Yes, a pun. Poppy has been laughing for most of the video, so why, all of a sudden, does she seem so sad?

Section 6 is shot shakily and close-up. I mean, really close-up. Like, right-in-her-face close-up. To the point where the camera is often out of focus. We’re also given a blatantly voyeuristic sweep over Poppy’s chest as the camera shifts position around her. Further, there are several instances where Poppy looks deep into the camera, with what I refer to as a “model pout,” where she slightly parts her lips and opens her eyes wide. Recall my post on “Computer Boy” where I talked about the fan-idol relationship. That lustful look? It’s for you, except everybody knows it’s not.

Quick note: I will elaborate on this when I talk about “You’re Too Close,” but it’s important to stay mindful and know that despite some uncomfortably voyeuristic shots in “Me Laughing,” it doesn’t necessarily mean that the video, or anyone who worked on it, is, y’know, perverted or something. Depicting the voyeuristic nature of idolism is how we talk about the voyeuristic nature of idolism, the same way that depicting racism is how we talk about racism.

The problem is that nowadays, we are trained to think quickly, not critically. Your initial response (also called your ‘knee-jerk’ response) to Poppy’s work shouldn’t be your final response to it. It’s important to consider context and think carefully. Ask yourself: why would Poppy choose to show you this? What does she want you to think about? What is she trying to tell you?

Section 7 is where things start to get really fucking weird.

Previously, I said that there was something darker lurking in “Me Laughing,” and Section 7 is where this darkness begins to manifest. The segment starts with Poppy having another one of her imaginary conversations with demons or whatever where she nods her head and gives some “mm-hmms” in agreement. Shortly after, she looks right at the camera and laughs in your face. Not only is her laugh absolutely maniacal, but it seems completely sincere too. This section really relates the feeling that you are not in on the ‘joke’—maybe the joke’s about you.

Section 7 also provides a sense of violent foreboding: a creeping feeling that something is going to happen to you, but you don’t know what that ‘something’ is, and you have absolutely no power to stop it. What really drives this sense of helplessness home is the way the scene is shot. At one point, the camera spends a few seconds just looking at Poppy’s hand. This emphasizes your lack of control. You are completely at the mercy of the camera’s whims. You only see what is shown to you. Then, as the scene closes, the camera is put down in front of Poppy, and, after a few tense seconds, she slowly reorients her body and starts crawling towards you. Luckily, the camera is picked up before she reaches it—you were saved, but what if you hadn’t been?

Oh, right, I forgot to mention: Poppy didn’t laugh much in this section.

Section 8 is a more amped-up version of Section 6. We get Poppy staring deep into the camera for almost the entire scene’s duration. Her lustful gaze relates a feeling of vulnerability, like you are spying on a defenseless little girl, but at the same time, it feels like she is giving you one last dose of what you want before she brutally murders you.

Section 9 is fairly straightforward. We have Poppy staring at a fixed point in the distance as if she is receiving orders from her alien overlord. We also get several rapid glances toward the camera, as if her orders somehow involve you, or as if she and someone else are sharing gossip about you right in front of your face.

…

…And then Section 10 happens.

Poppy says: “goodbye.”

In Section 10 we have a bit of a climax. No, not that kind of climax. Well, unless this essay is really doing it for you.

The first interpretation of Section 10 is fairly basic, Poppy is waving goodbye because you’re about to die. Obviously, whatever scheme she and her invisible monster friends cooked up is going to be carried out, and it’s probably going to result in the destruction of everything, yourself included. This is sad, probably, but she seems to find it highly amusing. Again, I’m not a fan of obsessing over canon or lore, so I’ll tackle this one slightly differently in the analysis, but I do think this reading of “Me Laughing” is at least semi-faithful to Poppy and Titanic’s vision. This interpretation also serves as a very nice teaser for P3. I mean, if “Do you disagree?” has told us anything, P3 will have a lot of destroying.

The next reading of Section 10 involves the objectifying nature of idolism. Yes, the $5 words are starting to come out, brace yourself. Anyway, in this section, Poppy giggles as she waggles her hands around, back and forth then forth and back, as though she is using her hands for the first time. Almost like a shiny, new automaton discovering its motor functions. It’s cute, but silly. And by silly, I mean overly silly. You have to remember that Poppy is played by a woman in her mid-20s. Reminds me of some lines from “Hard Feelings”: “my arms and my legs are so stiff / Is that the way you wanted it?” Or, rather, is this how you want her to act?

At the end of the section, the camera moves right up to Poppy’s face and she looks at you and just… stares.

…

And stares…

…

And stares…

…

She knows.

Finally, we get to Section 11, which would be my main argument against the totally boring ‘Poppy communicating with demons’ reading. Poppy is seated, again, with her arms wrapped around her thighs. Note again the sense of her smallness and vulnerability transmitted by her sitting position. Also note the way the shot is filmed, with the camera looking down on Poppy and frequently swooping in for close passes.

And then, in the last two seconds, something really bizarre happens. For a brief moment, some foreign object enters the shot, just in the very corner. Now, I’m about to make a weird argument, be wary of it. Other than the random piece of equipment entering the shot, “Me Laughing” does not end off on a noteworthy moment. Just Poppy sitting there, looking up at the camera. Plenty of instances of that. The video could have easily been trimmed by 2 seconds and nothing would have changed. We can also (probably) assume that somebody carefully reviewed this video before it was uploaded.

We’re left the possibility that those last two seconds were left in the video for a reason. And that reason is—

Hey, wait a minute, was that a mirror?

Analysis

“Me Laughing” is a really interesting video, and you can have a lot of fun if you spend some time looking into it, so that’s exactly what we’re going to do. We’ll tackle it from several different angles, watch for the switches.

Quick words of warning here: I’m about to use the words ‘parody,’ ‘satire,’ and ‘sarcasm’ interchangeably, a practice some would refer to as: “really fucking lazy.” Frankly, I don’t give a damn, I’m not a professional, I’m going to type my silly words anyway and you can’t stop me.

As content loses any sense of shame in attempting to draw your attention, nuance withers away and it becomes harder and harder to differentiate parody from parodied. For example, is “Old Town Road” criticizing the state of the music industry or embracing it? Now, I’m positive that Lil Nas X has the self-awareness of my pug when he’s lapping up his own boogers, yet I personally couldn’t write a song that so perfectly encapsulates everything wrong with modern music. So, is “Old Town Road” a parody or not?

This is where someone ripping off Westworld would say: “if you can’t tell, does it matter?” to which I would answer: “yes, yes it does.”

Context may be fleeting, unreliable, and arguably nonexistent, but I still believe it’s possible to differentiate parody from parodied, it just takes a little more effort. See, I think “Me Laughing” is satirical as hell, especially considering its context within Poppy’s body of work and how it compares to mainstream internet content.

First, consider that the frankly-titled video “Me Laughing” was hyped up for three days before it ‘premiered’ on YouTube. Hilarious, but also incisive. Who waits three days to see someone laugh? “Well, I did.” Ah.

The sarcastic nature of the video also shines through in the description, which reads: “A motion picture starring Poppy.” There’s a tired, yet necessary, statement here on the continuing degradation of internet content. What won’t people eat up?

We all know Poppy’s no stranger to sarcasm. See: “Bleach Blonde Baby” or “Poppy loves Politics.” She will often refer to her videos as “high quality internet content,” while uploading videos of herself eating cotton candy or ‘ooo-ing’ at things. With “Me Laughing,” a video where she laughs for 27 minutes, Poppy further questions where the line is regarding what content people will happily consume.

Fun story: I’ve seen people call “Me Laughing” ASMR. In fact, I think I did, at some point. Huh, I should probably change that. This isn’t totally wrong, but know that “Me Laughing” takes so many shots at ASMR you’d think the video shared a set with Sicario. And, if that’s the case, they could have saved some money and just filmed the video in my neighborhood haha… hah… ha… (seriously though I’m in danger)

Considering “Me Laughing” as a genuine ASMR video would obviously be antithetical to Poppy’s entire body of work. Recall lyrics like: “Poppy is an object.” No, “Me Laughing” is much more than simply Poppy recording cute ASMR.

Poppy has been questioning the nature of people’s ASMR obsession since her first YouTube video, “Poppy Eats Cotton Candy,” where she had the mic uncomfortably close to her throat so her little gulps and coos were clearly audible. What leads to people wanting to hear these things?

Zoom out: many of Poppy’s videos are about obsession. Forget that and the point will fly right over your head. Let’s now reframe the question: why would people want to hear such intimate sounds from Poppy? Answer that and “Me Laughing” will make a lot more sense.

What I’m about to say next will be very dense because it will outline the thesis of a large part of Poppy’s work. Sorry, hopefully it’s still readable. I’m still developing my interpretations of her work, and I promise to expand and explain them more in the future.

I’m also sure some fans will want to stab me in the neck with a rusty spoon for this post because it’ll appear like I am directly criticizing them. In reality, I am actually insinuating that Poppy is criticizing them, but nuance is dead, knee-jerk reactions reign supreme. Whatever. If you react that way, it means you’re so eyeballs deep in obsession that you fail to realize why Poppy courts your obsession in the first place. Poppy’s work entices fans to obsess over her, but it also berates those who do so.

Note that this is all as a means of criticizing the status-quo. And guess what: fans are part of the status-quo. It stings when you realize your idol’s criticisms are actually about you, but I’m not convinced Poppy is malicious. She wants you to be a better person.

This is my best estimate of her thesis: the nature of the objectification of celebrities is rooted in a sexual obsession—that is, a desire for their bodies. Pun intended. Objectification stems from fantasizing over what the celebrity shows you, which is almost always physical, or at least results in the fantasy manifesting itself as a physical representation.

In other words: “everybody wants to be Poppy.”

Poppy recognizes the inherently sexual obsession with figures in the ASMR community. She wears latex in “Me Laughing” to draw attention to this. It’s as if she was saying: “this is what you’re here for, right?”

Note that obsession is inherently progressive. It grows and grows, eventually leading to fans voyeuristically observing the objectified person’s intimate bodily functions. This culminates in “Me Laughing.” Poppy knows what you want, but as payment, she’s going to leave a nagging feeling in your brain that somehow you have done something wrong. That you shouldn’t really be watching this video, but she knows you are.

Recall Titanic’s comments about making people slightly uncomfortable. Consuming is harder with a lump in your throat. The key to understanding Poppy’s work is to ask why she wants you to feel uncomfortable. What about your behavior does she want you to realize?

Earlier in the post, I mentioned that I’m not a huge fan of the whole ‘Poppy talking to demons about destroying the world’ reading because it comes dangerously close to obsessing over her lore. Lore is like history without the usefulness, so I’m going to ignore it. Regardless, I said I would use that interpretation for something more interesting, so I’d like to ask:

What makes someone want to destroy the world?

Throughout “Me Laughing,” Poppy shoots dark glares at the camera. There’s something sinister in her eyes, something genuinely evil lurking in her gaze. We know she obviously has an immense disdain for the status-quo. What else would lead to lyrics like: “down, let it all burn down / burn it to the ground”?

Preceding any cries of “viva la revolución!” or “apocalypse, now!” is an implicit judgement that what is left of the world is either not able to be saved, or not worth saving. That tearing everything down and beginning anew is preferable to salvaging what remains. To reach such a mindset, one would need to see modern society with such disgust and be so disenchanted with our current world that it no longer appears worth preserving. One would also need to have given up hope on the ability for people to come together and solve their problems. To have lost hope in humanity’s ability to adapt and overcome. To think that perhaps our problems have become too big for us to solve, that perhaps we have finally dug too deep a hole to climb out of.

Again, people don’t reach a hopeless mindset overnight; it takes many steps to descend into the darkness. But, the numpties on r/GetMotivated tell me, “every journey begins with a single step,” so let’s take one together.

In a tweet, I mentioned that “Me Laughing” was also about absurdism. No, that wasn’t a typo for ‘absurdity.’ I may write ridiculously deep-dives into Poppy lyrics and lore, but I try not to waste words.

Anyway, let’s play a game. I call it the “imagine something real quick because I need to prove a point” game.

Imagine being stuck in a system. Yes, it’s cliché to use the word ‘system,’ and any time you do, it carries the connotation that you are some conspiracy nut, e.g., “you can’t trust the system man!” I understand all this, please just bear with me and let me use the word, it’s useful. Anyway, you don’t like the system because a lot of the system is bad and it’s slowly, but surely, getting worse. The cracks are starting to show and the whole thing is poised to come crumbling down. Okay, that’s not good, you want to tell people about this. To warn them. However, in order to obtain a sizable audience for your message, you need to first succeed within the system, and to do that, you need to play by the system’s rules.

Okay, no sweat, you release some pop songs. There’s a couple of them that people really dig. Unfortunately, the songs people like don’t contain much of your message. They have a watered-down version of it at best. That’s a little sad, but oh well, at least you’re getting some sort of message out there. Hey, maybe if you make the music video really weird, people will realize there’s something more going on! Hm, that didn’t seem to work either.

So you release some YouTube videos too. Some of them are pretty biting, especially that one on politics. Should get people thinking, right? Hah, no, wrong. People like them, yes, but not for the reasons you want. They like them because they’re “weird” and “addictive” e.g., “its 3 AM on a school night and I’m still watching Poppy videos why can’t I stop lolol.” Imagining that the videos contain some sort of Illuminati-esque hidden message to decode is preferable to examining the real-world implications of the work. Plus, like, there’s experts for that, right?

Anyway, a couple albums and hundreds of videos later, you have a sizable following, sweet, now you can transition to doing what you’ve always wanted to. Change the persona to something a little truer to yourself. Make your message a little clearer. Finally, you have the power to change the world like you always promised you would.

Uh-oh, Houston, we’ve got a problem. Your audience listened to you for X, but now you’re giving them Y. It’s not a total loss, though. You have a lot of loyal members in your audience, and they like your new stuff too. Doesn’t matter what you make, they’re loyal, they’ll watch/listen/whatever to it. Their dedication has become investment which has become even more dedication. In fact, they’ve been following you since the start, when you were first trying to get big. “Yes, but I was trying to get big because I wanted to spread a message and to do that I had to make compromises to grow an audience so people would liste—“

They also have their own ideas of what you’re saying, plus, like, they make neat art, here, check this out, please give this a listen, look at this, read this, please, please? “Hey, nice article. Wait, the next one is how many words?!” And you keep every piece of fan art because it really does mean a lot to you. “Wow, I appreciate it, that’s beautiful, thank you. Oh, what? There’s even more?” Hey, if you have spare minute, could you give a shout-out to my friend? It’s her birthday. “Sure, hold on…” It’s also my birthday tomorrow, could you give this post a like? “Um, okay, just give me a minut—“ Also, could you answer my DM on Instagram? It’s important. And after that there’s only 100 more to answer! kk thanks! “Wait… one second… whoa!”

Now you’re releasing Z, hopefully that will get your message across…

…

Wait—what was your message again?

…

Oh no.

…

Somewhere along the way, probably between performing [this] and signing [that], the essence of your message was lost. Whatever remains has been drowned out by the noise of the system. If we’re talking decibels, notifications are loud, problems are whispers, and these days everyone’s got ear plugs.

Thinking about problems is hard, thinking about them for too long is sad, being sad is uncomfortable, hey, look, Taylor Swift just dropped a new album, that “Lover” song is dope, let’s look at memes.

So, you want to change the system. But to change the system you need power. To get power, you need an audience. But the only way to get an audience is to make content that gets rewarded by the system. And the content that gets rewarded by the system is that which is easily digestible for a large audience, i.e., devoid of substance. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “Turn Down for What” resulted in much positive social change. “Well, maybe the system should reward content that is creative, challenging, and conscientious instead!” Ah, yes, I see what you mean. So, you want to change the system…

Pass the mic, Camus, I’ve got a real knee-slapper for ya. Oh, right, guess I’ll just grab it myself.

These days, we’re faced with a new kind of absurdism, one which involves recognizing that societal systems are getting worse and need changing, while simultaneously recognizing that you are chained by said systems, and thus, powerless to change them.

This new absurdism describes the maddening exercise in doublethink where people wrestle with the knowledge that they should be Making The World A Better Place but also the knowledge that they cannot possibly live in a way that satisfies such capitalized phrases. The end result is a mental tearing fueled by impossible societal expectations and the inevitable guilt of failing to live up to them.

After a while, people stop fighting. They give up. They give in. When enough people throw in the towel, all that’s left is to hold on tight and enjoy the ride, e.g., the trajectory is set, all aboard, no, there aren’t enough seat belts for everyone, must have been one of those damn cost-saving initiatives.

“Yeah, that definitely sounds absurd. So… what do we do about it?”

Well, sometimes all you can do is laugh.

#poppy #me laughing

8 notes · View notes

courtingstars · 6 years ago

Text

Notes for The Vanishing Prince, Chapter 1

I can’t believe I just typed that title… I’M FINALLY POSTING THIS FIC. Anyway.

This story is going to be a little different from the first two in A Spark of Light. Because of that, I have some really important stuff I need to say first! I’ll start with those things, then go into my usual notes about culture and timelines and KnB canon, etc. So, THE REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF…

(Cut for a whole bunch of warnings and info about dissociation disorders, family dysfunction, Japanese culture, spooky stuff, and lots of other bits and pieces)

1. This is a story about a very misunderstood mental illness. It’s not going to be perfect, but I’ll do my best.

I’ve alluded to mental health issues in the first two stories, specifically that Furihata has anxiety, and Akashi has an undiagnosed dissociative disorder.

This story focuses a lot more on the latter, which is a deeply misunderstood and stigmatized mental health issue. I’ve tried to do as much research as I can on these disorders, and on how the human brain processes trauma—which is connected to dissociation, a survival mechanism. However, I do not have a dissociative disorder myself, so I want to emphasize that I’m not an expert, and this is not based on my personal experience. I did consult first person accounts, and used them as inspiration. But in the end, this is a fictional story based on the canon of Kuroko no Basuke, which is imperfect and can be misleading/confusing, when it comes this part of Akashi’s character. (I’ll try to explain why as I post more of the fic.)

Also, not all people who have more than one self state consider themselves to have a disorder… I’ve sometimes seen the term “multiple” used for this. In addition, some people want to keep their different self states separate, and live as they are. I chose to depict Akashi as having a disorder because of his arc in KnB canon—specifically, how Last Game ends. So like in canon, this series is about Akashi coming to terms with having a disorder and making the eventual decision to integrate his selves. (Some fans were disappointed with that aspect of Extra Game/Last Game in part because psychiatry sometimes pushes integration as the only valid treatment goal for dissociation, which it isn’t. But since I felt Akashi made that choice for himself in KnB, I went with his decision in my fics as well. For a thorough article about some of the issues surrounding the integration process, I highly recommend this site.)

So I’m going to do the best I can, to make Akashi’s portrayal nuanced and positive, and use current knowledge about dissociation. But I know it won’t be perfect, and I’m going to make mistakes. (Especially since the experiences of these disorders can vary a lot, so what is true for some people may be very different for others… Since I based it on canon, Akashi’s experience definitely diverges from what tends to be described as “typical.”) So I want to apologize for any issues in advance, and I’ll do my best to address and/or correct them. The fic also deconstructs some stereotypes and misconceptions. (Especially as they relate to Bokushi.) One of the reasons I wanted to write this story was because I wanted to explore Akashi’s experience in more depth, and try to fill in some things we don’t know about him. On that note…

2. This story will include depictions of family dysfunction, emotional neglect, and some (mostly implied) abuse.

I’ve talked before about my portrayal of Akashi’s family in this series. But I think it’s worth mentioning again that I’m writing about Akashi’s parents—and his extended family and caretakers—as flawed people, who made some very misguided decisions about how to raise a child. For the sake of spoilers, I won’t go into more details yet. But I wanted to make sure to give a heads-up that this story will go to a darker place than the previous two. (Which I tried to imply near the end of Storming the Castle.)

For anyone who’s concerned that it might be too intense, I’m aiming to keep everything in this story to a solid PG-13 rating, at most. I’ll also provide content warnings for any intense scenes, so you can skip or skim them if you prefer.

That said, I intentionally avoided going with the darkest possible interpretations of Akashi’s family life. I don’t want this story to be overly disturbing, or make any of the characters out to be truly evil. But I did want to show that sometimes, caretakers make decisions they intend to be loving, but that cause real mental and emotional harm in the long term.

3. This story has paranormal elements. A LOT of paranormal elements.

On the note of getting darker, I should probably mention that this story will also have more spooky/paranormal stuff. While Storming the Castle took most of its inspiration from fairy tales, The Vanishing Prince includes some inspiration from ghost and horror stories, particularly Japanese ones. That being said, I didn’t want readers to have to stop the series early because it got too scary! So just like in StC, I’m aiming to keep the spooky parts to a PG rating, and to have a more “fantasy” tone overall, kind of along the lines of a Miyazaki movie. (As in no super gory descriptions, any past violence related to the paranormal will be implied instead of shown, nothing too creepy or viscerally gross, etc.)

Still, expect plenty of allusions and/or depictions of Japanese spiritualism, ghosts, youkai, Shinto beliefs, Buddhist beliefs, Japanese funeral rituals, graves, temples etc. There are also a few concepts borrowed from Western mysticism… That’s mostly Reo’s fault. Because, uh, tarot cards? Which is canon and I did not make that up.

As always, please note that I’m not an expert on Japanese culture! I try to make sure that what I include in my fics is as accurate as possible, but I’m not Japanese, so it’s better to assume that it includes at least some Western misconceptions and/or errors. (Plus there are probably about a million Westerners who know more about Japanese ghost stories than I do.)

4. This story includes some sexual tension, but it’s mild/implied.

One other thing I should mention… The characters’ sexuality is addressed more directly in this fic, so there are allusions to sexual tension. That said, because the characters are still teenagers, I’m going to keep it at a PG-13 level at most. (Basically, arousal is implied, no explicit mentions of body parts, etc.) You can see examples of this in Furihata’s scenes in Chapter One. I went with this approach for multiple reasons. But a big one is that I want people who were most comfortable with the ratings of previous fics in the series to be able to keep reading if they want to!

Okay, that’s it for the serious “here’s what you’re getting into” kind of stuff. Now for less important things…

Timeline of the Fic

This series takes place in the spring and summer after the Winter Cup in Kuroko no Basuke canon. The first three stories also takes place before Last Game, which happens in August. The Vanishing Prince starts right after Storming the Castle. Which means it’s set mostly near the end of July, partly during summer vacation in the Japanese school calendar. I wanted to mention this because this is a story about Oreshi and Bokushi, so establishing where it fits in the canon seems like important background info! And speaking of Bokushi…

Oreshi’s Point of View vs. Bokushi’s Point of View

So if you’ve already read the chapter, you know that this fic series finally has a third point of view! (YAY. I’M SO EXCITED.) Originally, I wasn’t sure if I was going to include Bokushi’s PoV… But once I started writing it, I was having way too much fun, so yes, it’s happening. XD

The one tricky thing is that both Oreshi and Bokushi like to use the same full name. (Which is not always the case with dissociation, by the way… It’s an interesting part of both of their characters, I think!) So I decided that for the scenes that are written in Oreshi’s point of view, Oreshi will continue to be called Akashi. And when a scene is in Bokushi’s point of view, Bokushi is referred to as Seijuurou. (I based this off of an aspect of his character that he’ll bring up later.)

So hopefully that wasn’t too confusing to read! Also, Oreshi and Bokushi will both refer to their other self as “my other self,” or sometimes “my brother.” (Which is a headcanon based off of that one line in KnB where Oreshi compares Bokushi to “a troublesome little brother.”)

Therapy and Dissociation Terms

This note is pretty serious again… This story will contain depictions of psychiatry and therapy. I’m not an expert on either of these things, and the culture around therapy in Japan is different than it is in Western countries. (I talked about that in some of my notes for Storming the Castle earlier.)

So while I’ll do my best to strike a balance between realism and fiction, this story is going to take some fictional license with the therapy process. The main reason is that I wanted Akashi’s situation in the story to seem unusual in certain ways, because the power he wields in terms of his family background is so unusual. Hopefully I conveyed that the psychiatrist in the story is choosing to go out of her way in Akashi’s case, and possibly making some exceptions that she wouldn’t make otherwise.

(That being said, from everything I could gather, parental permission is not strictly required by law for teenagers to receive therapy in Japan… Unlike where I live in America, where it is in a lot of states, though the specifics vary a lot.)

And on that note, I should mention one of the terms I used… When it comes to dissociation disorders, having more than one self state is often referred to as having “alters.” Not everyone uses this term. (I’ve seen some people say they dislike using it because it sounds clinical, for example.) On the recommended site I use for general information about dissociation disorders, they do use “alter.” So that’s why I used it too. (Also, the fic takes place in 2010, and I believe alter was standard back then as well.) But please keep in mind that some people might not use that particular term!

Oreshi and Bokushi’s Headspace, and Co-Consciousness

I also wanted to briefly bring up the “room” inside Akashi’s mind, where Oreshi and Bokushi talk… I based its appearance off of that scene near the end of the anime, where Oreshi confronts Bokushi inside their mind:

My headcanon is that Oreshi and Bokushi use this as a space where they can both communicate with each other. This is based on something common among people who have dissociation, sometimes called headspace, which you can learn about here. In my fic, Bokushi and/or Oreshi’s presence in this room represents that they’re conscious at the moment. Meaning that they’re aware of what’s going on in the world around them, even though the other self may be in control of their body. When two alters are conscious at the same time, it’s called being “co-conscious.” In KnB canon, it’s implied that Oreshi and Bokushi are co-conscious at least some (and possibly most, or all!) of the time. I’ll talk more about that later, and why I went with the interpretation of canon that I did.

Also, I wanted to quickly mention these lines in the chapter:

“[Akashi] didn’t recall losing track of events against his will. But there used to be many instances where he would let himself drift away, on one level or another. He would lose a few minutes of time, while his brother would talk in his place.”

This is based on one of the Teikou scenes when Midorima noticed that Akashi seemed to have “another Akashi inside him” that said things that were different from his usual personality. This happened before the scene where Bokushi took complete control. So I headcanon that before Oreshi ever let Bokushi fully switch places with him, he sometimes let Bokushi speak in his place, temporarily. I also headcanon that he started doing this while interacting with his dad. (There’s a part in the manga that implies that Oreshi had feelings of being “separate” before Teikou, too.) So that’s where that theory came from!

Fast Train References

Also, just a quick reminder that Akashi’s promise to show Furihata around Gion at night is from The Fast Train to Kyoto! (And I’m very excited that Kyoto is going to be a setting again. <3) Also in that fic, I introduced the Akashi family estate in Kyoto for the first time. In my headcanons, this is the area where his family originally lived centuries ago, and they acquired the mansion in Tokyo later. Furihata hasn’t visited the Kyoto estate yet, but he will. ;)

And that’s it for now! Wow, this was a looong post. ^^; Kudos to anyone who read the whole thing! And I really hope you all enjoyed this introduction to The Vanishing Prince. I’m so excited to be sharing it, finally. <3

(And unlike in Storming the Castle, I don’t feel nearly as bad for that cliffhanger in Chapter One… Because that’s exactly how it’s been in my head for three years, and Bokushi makes no apologies. //laughs)

#long post #really long post #good lord #kat writes fanfic #kat writes about basketball dorks #the vanishing prince #text post

17 notes · View notes