#I’m just tired mentally lol
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Is it possible for your Mental Health to subconsciously affect the way you write your character or the way you talk about your ship?
What do you do, when your portrayal of your character doesn't seem, up to the mark? Do you find it okay to rewrite? /gen
Or what happens when you don’t find joy in selfshipping?
rant under the cut
So, something tells me that as much as I love writing Anika, I am having doubts about how I've been portraying her to y'all. I know she's someone that I've worked on for over a year now, and out of all of my OCs, she's the one that has had the most development so far. So, she is the closest one to my heart. Somehow, however, I believe my mental health struggles have immersed into my portrayal of her, and idk, I feel that I'm not satisfied with the way I'm portraying her?
Or maybe it's because I struggle with things to be perfect in a certain way (enneagram type 1 vibes xP /j /lh) that I want her to be likeable, but idk...
She's supposed to be my S/I with changes, but, I think she is going off on a different tangent xD
On top of that, These past few days have been emotionally very wrangling. Work as it is, is piling up, and I usually look to distract myself with self-shipping, but I don’t know if I have good points for Jotaro anymore. When I wake up and see everyone have very very nice headcanons about him, especially with mermay, and I know it’s silly to come and vent here but, I haven’t been able to of late. I feel everytime whenever I want to talk about him, I know people have better headcanons about him that I can’t help but compare and feel like a burden talking about him. Because really, I know that that shouldn’t be the case.
I’ve been feeling a major case of impostor syndrome of late, and I think it’s because I haven’t talked about him with y’all and now i look at my lore and think, “well, it seems shitty” or something. I think it’s mostly because I know y’all have far more superior headcanons about him, and I’ve been too nervous to come up with my own, ‘cause when I do, timezones cause not a lot of people to see it on time and I feel heavily discouraged about it. Idk… I’m just… I want to talk about him more but a) I am very shitty when it comes to talking about aquatic stuff b) Everyone’s talking about different things that fit him so well, and their OTPs are related to something Star related and I’m like “They’re far more creative than my bs” and the only source of respite I have is like character.ai where I vent out. Idk I’m feeling a lot. Also, I sometimes can’t help but compare which I need to stop.
#tw vent#tw mental health#I’m just tired mentally lol#please don’t mind me#it’s been a lot in my head
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School is going so great and also I am so exhausted and also I am having an existential crisis
#teaching tag#the kids are great and I think I’m doing a good job teaching them and also I miss the ones from last year so much 😭😭😭😭😭#even though I know I will miss these too once they’re gone like why does 😭😭😭 it gotta be 😭😭😭😭 this way#it’s just a totally different vibe every time#the school year has a new flavor!!! and I hate that!!!!!#change is so bad and disgusting 😭😭😭#but also I think it’s good and I’m doing a good job keeping them moving#one of the revelations/realizations that I’ve had. is that I’m just starting to shift my focus#from …. wanting them to be moved to just wanting them to be engaged?#and I think it’s better.#I’m not quite wholly there. but I mean learning how to actually construct a class so that they are busy and their minds are being stretched#and employed and learning on multiple levels without just saying what I want to happen at them#and it’s a good shift but also a shift that’s making me sad#for whatever reason#it feels like another sign of maturity#but sometimes I miss my own highs#mostly I’m just so unbelievably tired lol.#like the physical and mental stamina required that I just don’t have yet#is so much.#but some strong starts have been made#and also (dare I say this lol) the effects of my reputation being established are also working in my favor#they’re a little bit scared. they’re a little bit more ready to engage and they’re more on board than they used to be#like. it’s happening faster. in terms of getting the class under control#and that’s nice. cause I remember it used to take weeks and weeks. months really.#and of course it’s ongoing and unpredictable.#but it’s better this time#anyway just rambling
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i think uh. the Announcement has ruined my night actually. the more i think abt it the worse it gets haha.. 🙃🫠 like literally i don’t think there’s a way the movie can be good. i’m gonna get off social media for tonight & go play switch or smthn,,,,,,,,
#rambles#yes this is abt the fcking zelda movie#god i just. i’m so mad cuz like. i can’t just /not/ watch it cuz now it exists & i just. i have to#but i’m so tired GOD why does it have to be live action??#i literally don’t think i will ever come to terms with this#ugh & the worst thing that is so specific to me they’re gonna cast link as some ugly fuck actor who legit just looks like some dude#& (god i am oversharing rn) i literally love link so much & my aroace ass has never found an irl person attractive ever & i just.#i fear for my mental stability at this point#god i am sorry to anyone who’s reading these tags at this point i’m sorry for being such a. whiny baby lol
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Go tell people you like their work because some of us are very anxious and need to be reminded sometimes
#this post is brought to you by me looking at reviews for my shows again#I try not to look at them because it’s not great for my mental health#but sometimes I look#and sometimes I’m happy with what I see#but I’m often frustrated and tired#I’m also just tired in general lol#I feel bad for how long things are taking but I can’t do much about it#I’m one person who is disabled and exhausted and burnt out#Ali thoughts
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it’s always “how do you think they’ll feel when something happens to you?” but never “how do you feel about having to be pushed to this point?”
#lol like i don’t wanna feel like this constantly but I’m just so tired and frustrated constantly#i hate feeling like nothing i do will ever be worth it#I hate feeling so alone constantly and actually being alone most of the time#i hate trying to put myself out there but always falling flat bc i struggle in social situations#I hate always having to put everyone’s feelings and emotions first when no one’s ever put mine first#i wish i had my person but i always fuck it up and lose them#actually bpd#bpd safe#cluster b safe#cluster b#bpd vent#vent#vent post#mentally fucked#mentally exhausted#actually mentally ill#mentally unstable#bpd feels#tw sui ideation#actually borderline#bpd blog#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd life#bpd problems#bpd tag#borderline pd#bpd thoughts#bpd mood#bpd stuff
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Today I turned 34 and all I've done is lay in bed, napped and binge watched Foundation on Apple TV ha! Happy Birthday to me I guess!
#im not one to celebrate my birthday#for a personal reason mainly#but also because I don't feel like I have a lot to celebrate about#the job I applied for haven’t got back to me so I'm guessing I didn't get it#I'm up to my eyeballs in debt#I can count on about two fingers people who are my friends#I'm lonely#I'm single and beginning to accept I always will be#i’m tired#my mental health is up and down#i have regrets#i dislike my body#the list could go on#so yeah#today is just another day to me#maybe one day with the right person i’ll begin to enjoy my birthday but for now I'll just exist in my safe space#aka my bed#lol#personal#mental health#birthdays#mens mental health
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tired.
#doesn’t begin to explain what i’m feeling#good enough#ready to give up lmaoo#teehee :3#silly#i’m losing it#lol#lolz#sorry for the emo i’m just being silly hehe!#burdened by my own lack of personality and willingness to interact honestly with other people#random#gunna draw maybe#also gunna take 3 advil to stop this bullshit headache#sorry for yapping lmao#probably best if u don’t respond#i’m not in the right mental state to have a conversation#>.<#tired lmfao#not in a sleepy way >.<#ok idk what the fuck else to put#mad tweaking#my fault gang#<3
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I’ve seen a lot of people be like, “oh how did people NOT know that Mr. Beast isn’t a good person?? Isn’t it obvious once you watch any one of his videos?”
And, like, yeah. I think to most sentient adults it was clear that this was prime fake-charitable philanthrocapitalism. But I think a majority of us who are celebrating this wave of Anti-MrBeast content are just happy that someone from the inside came forward with more tangible stories and proof that he’s actually abhorrent that even people who didn’t think he was bad before can’t ignore.
I think a majority of sentient adults, before this whole thing, saw a Mr Beast video once or at least heard of him and said, “I vaguely know what he’s up to; he reeks of finance bro. I don’t like him, but all I can do is not watch his content” because to Mr Beast fans there was nothing you could definitively say that would “prove” that he was a bad person.
But now there is, and it’s sparked a movement of people trying to expose more of his shitty practices, and I’m just grateful that those people can finally be heard now instead of immediately dismissed because Mr Beast “donates to charity”.
#Mr beast#I’m so tired of people just being like ummmm why is everyone surprised#u don’t get it. we weren’t surprised lol#tho tbh I’m a little surprised at just how many convicted felons he employs lol#yeah you’ve been saying it since forever. I’ve been saying it since forever. but sometimes it’s gotta just come from a mor#what the internet perceives as a reliable source#rather than just the opinion of some random tumblr user#like seriously the amount of hipster mentality oh I’ve hated Mr beast before it was cool#aidhhsjajksmxndkssk ur not special I am just happy about his downfall bro
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having hetchless au thoughts again. i rlly need to start writing
#bowieposting#hetchless au#i actually started drafting some stuff mentally the other day but. i was on vacation and the Only proper time i had to write was#very late at night when i was dead tired#could’ve started writing on the beach but i’m ngl i hate writing proper stuff on my phone#my keyboard for my ipad was too goddam loud to use in a hotel room shared with a sleeping toddler LOL#i just got home yesterday so i’m still like. trying to reset and get used to being home again but. i am hoping to start soon#it’s gonna be so awesome i’m cooking so hard
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My tummy hurts so bad today
#I say ‘today’ as if my tummy doesn’t hurt so bad everyday#I’m just tired of not feeling good all the time#mentally and physically#sorry for whining lol#I willllll delete this#xoxodolly
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Just applied for a summer childcare position (like for a camp type thing) that pays 20–28 dollars an hour based on qualifications (I should be towards the end of that scale because I work in a school; and the only requirement the job lists is to be 16 and have experience with children). So hopefully they’ll consider me. That would be wonderful.
#I hate applying for jobs so much. Everyone uses a different website that makes you sign up for newsletters that clog your email#that you have to manually unsubscribe to#But yeah that’s way more than I get paid as a para lol#which is kind of sad because being a para or teacher is a lot more strenuous and complex than supervising kids during structured play#Because usually the kids enjoy stuff like rock climbing and swimming#so you don’t have to guide them through ten different layers of mental gymnastics to complete their work#or sometimes physically keep them from leaving the learning area after every problem they complete#(of course I do the last thing very gently; and I don’t like having to carry kids from under tables back to their seats#but they’re not going to learn anything if they stay underneath tables all day long… that kind of defeats the purpose of being in school.#I give a lot of verbal warnings before too. Some kids just refuse to learn all the time regardless of their mood because it’s funny to them#Anyway: Kids should not be playing video games past bedtime on a fucking Oculus Rift#Like seriously the tech withdrawal in some of these babies is palpable#Horrifying#Anyway this summer job will be a breeze if I get it#Hopefully no one will be begging me for chromebooks during rock climbing#(I know it sounds like I’m irritated with the kids; and I am. But it’s more irritation with their parents letting them become addicted#to iPads for the sake of convenience; and also frustration directed at capitalism that makes the parents so tired#that they let the iPad babysit their kids so they can rest. It’s the whole system man. It’s fucked.)
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Ahhhh I really need to sit down and take more content but I 👏🏼 DONT 👏🏼 WANT 👏🏼 TO 👏🏼
#I haven’t had the desire to take pictures of myself in like 6 months#this week has been dog shit mentally already#I got let go from one job and then made less than half of what I needed at the other#so like yeah getting my shit together would really do me good rn#but I’m tired and my brain is mean and I just want to be babied 😭#ANYWAYS lol#buy a custom maybe?#it’ll be good motivation for sure#personal
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I am like really not okay lol
#tomorrow I have to ask for FMLA paperwork from my HR department because I need to take mental health leave before something bad happens#I am very much not stable and work is exacerbating it and I got called into a recorded meeting today#where they basically told me I need to improve my work quality or else they’re firing me lol#after I’ve been telling them over and over again that I am really overwhelmed with the workload#and they don’t listen#I’m just tired.#and I am just struggling to even care for myself these days#not to mention the stupid fucking social drama I’ve been dealing with this week#I just feel really really low and like a loser who doesn’t deserve anything good
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Fuck panic disorder, actually
#i just want to sleep#love that a traumatic event from nearly 17 years ago means I continue to internalize stress#so I just feel like I’m dying off n on forever :’) ok! sure!#like HUH#intelligent design my ass#and the techniques are fine but no amount of them can convince me I’m not having a heart attack lol#and daily Xanax isn’t the life I wanna be in#but I’m tired#and even when the techniques do help I’m just exhausted after going thru them#anyways#yap yap#mental health cw
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feeling deeply unlovable and then remembering that luffy could love you no matter how horribly damaged you are is a lot of emotions
#mixed emotions of how comforting luffy is as a person and grieving that it’s not possible irl#but also not having limitless mental strength for your loved ones is normal luffy is a fantasy character for a reason#and it’s not just cus he’s a rubber man#just a little heartbroken nothing new#this is so bpd of me lol#i can say that now with my chest cus it’s going into my chart#but yeah no. i’m clinging to this piece of comfort idc it’s been an awful week and i’m so tired#and luffy’s warmth is the only thing i want to come home to right now#my sunrise#he makes me believe in living#just straight up living and staying alive#and lord knows some days it’s hard#luffy is a miracle#cus genuinely when there’s nothing left luffy will still be here#luffy i miss you#vent blog#close ur eyes lol this is so normal of me
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aaaaaaaand… because of today’s leaks, I am going to take another break from spamming #wind_breaker series and will continue tomorrow ✌🏼😂
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