#I’m honestly not gonna come back to Vegas and stay at my family’s house again after this week

[galariangengar]

💭

[tinycowboybro]

I am back at it again with another VegasPete song

Dog Days by Ethel Cain works so well for vegaspete that I wish that I was able to make edits and I will now explain to you why:

Exhibit A:

“No one’s ever gonna love me, no, not like you do/ Every night, I’m crying in my sleep ‘cause I’m dreaming about you”

This line goes with the post safe house scenes, specifically for Pete, having to struggle with how he feels about Vegas as his own person and how he should feel about Vegas as a main family bodyguard. The soup scene where he cries is almost right on the mark.

The loving line could also honestly also work for Vegas and it’s repeated through out the song. No one really did love him in the way that Pete did. We can see that in the ending when Pete (and Macau) stay with Vegas even after he was no longer a minor family heir, which was what Gun hinged all his “love” for Vegas on. Vegas basically only knew conditional love until Pete.

Exhibit B:

“You walk a fine line between god and animal/ You’re just a feral dog I worship in bedroom ceremonials”

Again, this one is from Pete’s perspective about Vegas. Vegas with his outward persona of self absorption that can’t be touched while inwardly still being a young boy gnashing his teeth and biting everyone around him before they can hurt him. Vegas who is known for his brutality and cold sadism that should make everyone fear him but who also sits by his father’s side like a dog begging for love and praise, etc etc 

i think because it says “you’re just a feral dog” you could say that it’s also Pete seeing through that exterior very quickly and realizing Vegas is still that scared and angry kid

Exhibit C:

“Cut me up and take me like the bread and blood at church/ Love’s never been more than pain, so baby, show me how bad you hurt” 

Ok this lyric is already insane in general I absolutely love Ethel Cain but you can’t tell me that “hurt me, and then (consume) me like holy communion” is not Vegaspete’s entire genre.

i mean come ON

tear me apart, worship me, it’s all the same to them. Beat the shit out of me, tell me you love me, kiss me with blood in your mouth and i’ll ask you to be the one to kill me because to me that means I’ve meant more to you than i have to anyone else in my life. (can you love me enough to kill me)

:)

[wickedmoonlite]

KinnPorsche Rewatch 2023

Reminder: as we go into heavier topics in KP (dub-con/non-con, toxic behaviors, etc.), I will not be doing deep dives. I’m planning on taking this just below surface value as these are literally thoughts I have in the moment as I’m watching. Thank you.

Side Story Random Thoughts

Tankhun is so dramatic here. Fake crying and the whole time giving side eye to P like "he's really buying this?"

Why is this hospital so fancy though? K is sleeping in a queen size bed for goodness sake.

Ah yes, Vegas. Here to stir shit up.

I'm on vacation he says. I'm gonna sleep alone he says. Liar. Scared of fake ghosts (actually probably not fake, most hospitals are haunted for obvious reasons).

K, I think it might be slightly obvious that P is going to stay by your side. Come on now. But thanks for giving him a phone so he can talk to Chay at least. Damn.

Sweet little ending with a cuddle ❤

Episode 7 Random Thoughts

Iconic Pete opening.

The lighting in this episode is so pretty.

Porsche and Big really just focus on a guy with an earbud... Meanwhile, another guy just strolls up with a damn grenade. Honestly.

I love how all the people there are causing a ruckus because there's a grenade up for grabs but no one fucking leaves?? They just sit there and watch??? What are y'all doing?

I dunno, beating someone into a confession probably would be difficult if the person is particularly tight lipped. But Vegas walking over with a torture case? Idk, I think I'd rather talk than be tortured...

The look that Pete gives Vegas though. Somewhat intrigued, it seems.

Did he pull out a tooth?? What is that?

Gun always trying to out wit and out maneuver his brother. He has one hell of a complex... And gave his sons a complex. And abused them. And he has too many cravats.

The red velvet shirt though.

I actually really enjoy this scene where we see how differently the minor family operates. People greeting with respect as they walk by, but they're more relaxed than the main family's people are.

Vegas walking in and out of the shadows, the lighting in general.. It's... Telling in a way. Of what kind of character Vegas puts forth for his people but also of the darkness dwelling within.

I feel like for how many people most likely live in that complex, they should have like three of those long tables set up.

Typical teenage boy with a messy room but it's just the house that's messy.

Why is K still on a saline drip at home? How long has it been since he got shot?

"But Daddy I love him!!" Honestly though, P makes K such a better person overall. Not just for their employees, but for himself. K doesn't necessarily need to be cruel to be an effective leader. I still hold that K was the worst thing to happen to P though, it turned him into someone that the old P would have hated.

Back to the single seat on the Panigale.

Vegas is more like a dad to Macau than Gun is.

Chay is all embarrassed about his room, like no my crush cannot go in there because he'll see my little shrine.

I love how easy going Kim seems to be around Chay. Compared to how we know he can be. Jeff did such a good job with him.

And then the closeup where we see the friendly demeanor drop and he goes straight back into nosy mode and walls go back up.

And then when Chay comes back, those walls come down a bit again and Kim's like damn, this boy is getting to me. I must get him to admit his crush.

It's because he's jealous, P. Always because he's jealous. K is so bad at communication and trusting P 🥴 get your shit together.

That shit eating smirk on Vegas's face. So good at sowing little seeds of distrust.

My boy Tay coming in with the best advice. And the best style.

How long has that body been there though?

Pete's out here doing the most.

I actually love that K comes to see P and gives him the lucky gun to hold onto. Nice symbolism.

"Let me show you your product." Guns ablaze. God this scene is well done. Porsche and Vegas work together surprisingly well for gun fights.

I think I've played too much Assassin's Creed, I always want to hear requiescat in pace vs reposa in pace.

The party is so well lit. All these lighting differences are so pretty.

Then Vegas trying to get Porsche to stay on with him, telling him what he thinks P wants to hear bc he's a stalker ass.

Porsche is visibly uncomfortable around Vegas in the bathroom scene. Then during the kiss pushes him away... Because he only loves Kinn.

Then Porsche hits Kinn where it hurts: I know about your ex, but only vaguely.

So hurtful, that slap was well deserved.

"I shouldn't have loved a shitty guy like you." He was trying to hit K where it hurt. And finally speaking the words that K needed to hear.

I do like how P takes back control during the NC scene. Doing sexy time on his own terms this time.

The chemistry is out of fucking control.

Consistently, the best NC scene of the series in this episode, in my humble opinion. Plus growing (my faves) KimChay's relationship :')

Episode 8 next!

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Like Chocolate

Calum fell in love like chocolate melts in your pocket--in the time it takes to blink and forget the thing and turn back around. Jada fell in love like the crashing tide of a shore--steady and completely. When Calum goes home with Jada for the holidays, more than just his feelings come to the surface. Five sisters, one love, and plenty of antics, Jada and Calum find out what they’re really made of. 

Shotgun Wedding (ish) x Black!OC

CW: 18+ Content (Smut and Smut adjacent mentions)

_________________________

The drive’s only four hours long to Vegas, hardly long enough for Calum to bat an eye at given the stretches of time he’s spent on a tour bus and for Jada, she does the drive several times a year for the holidays, family or friends weddings, graduations and sometimes just because. It’s not even a blip in a day but somehow the time feels like it could never end. And honestly, time could go on forever between the two of them between the off key singing from Jada and Calum’s constant giggles at the ad libs she adds in just to create more umph for the song. 

There’s one pit stop, at a gas station a little over halfway through their trip. And in the aisle of the little store, Calum’s mesmerized at the way she dances to whatever is playing. He can’t tell if she actually knows the song or not, but it doesn’t seem to matter at all. The worker’s don’t care either about the giggles or Jada’s dancing but Calum loves the way that time hangs behind them, as if it could never catch up to them on this trip. 

“When we get to the house, the first thing Ma’s gonna want to do is go grocery shopping. So we should be able to pick up some booze then too,” Jada states, grabbing the purple bag of Takis from the hook. 

“What does your Mum like again? I know she’s into red wine. But anything else?” Calum asks, walking down the aisle to her. The dancing’s done for now as it’s serious work to figure out the snacks for the last half of the trek. He tucks the two waters into the crook of his elbow, nestling it up against his side. 

“She’s a Hennessey drinker too,” Jada remarks as she pulls the bag of Skittles from the box. “Should I stick with chips or get something sweet too?”

“Chips. If you get something sweet, you’ll ruin your appetite.” Calum takes a glance around, thankful for the trucker hat he’s adorning and the sun glasses. He knows it won’t fully keep him from getting spotted but it’s just enough that he lowers just a bit to kiss Jada’s cheek. The attendant hardly glances up from their phone. 

With a smile resting on her cheeks, Jada glances up to Calum. “You’re right, and I hate that.” 

“Oh give me a break,” he scoffs, but stays at her side as she goes back to contemplating all the choices in front of them. They’re ahead of schedule. Jada had gotten up early and prepped a big breakfast that would hopefully keep them satiated enough. Though, the snacks now might be proving how close to the end that breakfast might be getting. Calum, awake by the smell of pancakes, got up and helped finish the cooking and cleaning process. By the time food was eaten and the kitchen cleaned, it only made sense to just get out on the road earlier than it would’ve been waiting around. 

“Okay, I’m done. I just need my Gatorade.”

Calum dangles the clear bottle with red liquid between a few fingers. “I gotcha babe.”

“Thanks,” she says, turning to follow him towards the register. The person is cordial as they ring up the chips and drinks. 

The afternoon sun is just starting to crest into the sky when they step back outside. Calum’s quick to open Jada’s door--passenger side-- once they get to the truck. Calum insisted on doing the drive to the house and on the way back. But Jada decided that she should drive around the town, and it was less of a decision and more like a mandate if Calum was going to drive them there and back, she didn’t want him to do all the driving. Not like it wasn’t out of the ordinary. Calum, when it was the two of them, would normally drive. Occasionally, Jada drove them back depending on if it was to and from the airport or to a place that she wanted to keep as a surprise. And they weren’t even sure how it became a thing between them that Calum did a lot of the driving. But somehow it had. 

“So we’re either doing hard liquor,” Calum starts as he settles back into the driver seat. The door shuts before he gets the last part of the sentence out, “or we’re doing wine.”

“I mean any alcohol will go over well. But those are her favorites. Paul holds no allegiances.” 

A hum sounds around them as Jada connects her phone back to the aux cord and presses play on the playlist again. Calum hates to walk into anyone’s home empty handed. Especially not her parent’s house where he’s going to be housed for the next week and a half. He’s met her family a handful of times, mostly for family gatherings and holidays. And they’re great people, inviting him with open arms. But he still didn’t want to get too comfortable and have them thinking he didn’t appreciate them for all that they did.

“Should we—” Calum starts as the song fades out and then pauses. If Jada and he go grocery shopping with her mother, he can still get something decent for the family. 

“Should we what, babe?”

Calum shakes his head. “Nah, it’ll just be easier to grab it when your mum goes shopping. But we should tell them, we’re coming in earlier than we originally said.”

“I texted Ma already. Once we get on the road. I think Paul is still out on his shift? I don’t know; there was some vague mention of him still being out.”

Calum nods, reaching over to rest a hand on her thigh. The material of the leggings are soft and he strokes his thumb, almost absent-mindedly. But he doesn't miss the way that Jada presses her legs together just for a moment at the first contact. He glances over and takes in the sight of her dark purple stained lips and the way her hair tumbles down her shoulder in waves. Sure, she was wearing a wig--Jada would be hard pressed to dye her own black tresses platinum blonde--and he knows beneath it is the cap and beneath that are the cornrows she’d had a friend do for her a week ago. But it’s all Jada and that’s all he could ever ask for. 

Time’s left behind again. Calum listens to the tap of her nails on the phone screen as she moves from one playlist to another. He knows because the silence stretches on longer than the time between songs. “Christmas music or more vibes?” Jada asks. 

“Whatever you want,” he returns, squeezing at her inner thigh. 

“Hmm,” she starts. “Maybe we need some villain origin story music right now.”

Calum giggles. “And why might you say that?”

“Because you’ve got your hand in places that are dangerous,” Jada states, leaning forward just a little to adjust the volume on the dial. 

“You weren’t saying that last night,” Calum returns, dropping his voice a little. And there wasn’t much talking if Calum’s going to be honest. He’d gotten in later than he wanted from the studio. And it wasn’t even like a small window of time either. Jada and he agreed to meet at the house at 4 so they could get some last minute things for travel. Calum needed body wash and Jada needed to reup on makeup wipes, brush cleaner, and studier bags for all the hair and makeup things. Tasha, the third oldest, had a choir performance and asked Jada to help her get ready for it for tomorrow. 

Realistically, Jada could’ve done all of that on her own. But Calum wanted to tag along mostly because he had spent too much the rest of the week deep into work so that him being on an extended vacation wouldn’t hold up any mixing. And truthfully, he’d missed being around Jada. She made him feel calm in an instant. Calum was on track to make it out of the studio at 3 and even be home early, until the studio lost power--and it was only for a couple of minutes. But it’d been in the middle of a recording. The system took forever to get back up and by the time Calum was able to lay the track he’d already lost 45 minutes. And right as he thought he could slip out and only be an hour or so late, an accident occured on his way there that set him an additional two and a half hours behind. 

To say that Calum was pissed when he walked through the door of the house was an understatement. If it weren’t for Duke and Jada’s calming presence, Calum was sure he would’ve lost his head and maybe all his shit too. But there was Jada, wrapped up in a blanket at the kitchen bar, and soft music played over the Bluetooth speakers and she’d made his favorite dish of hers. Not his favorite dish of all time—only his mom seemed to be able to craft it just right, though Jada had tried and was getting closer each time she did. And he absolutely wanted nothing more than her at that moment. So much so, that he’d closed the microwave right as she’d attempted to warm up the plate fixed for him and picked Jada amup wordlessly. The kisses on her neck told her everything she needed to know. 

“It was kind of hard to when you put in work like that,” Jada chuckles. “I mean you ate like you were starved and I did have a plate ready for you almost.”

Calum’s laughter is soft as it escapes his chest. But he doesn’t say anything else in response. The conversation dies down, but he keeps his hand resting on her inner thigh, enjoying the pressure when Jada crosses her legs and traps his hand. It’s not tight hardly, as much as it is just the weight of her that grounds Calum. He could easily slip his hand out if he needed it for anything. But the highways are clear for the most part. There are some cars, but nothing that worries him. 

“It’s the second left,” Jada navigates, turning the volume down on the playlist. The last half an hour passed in relative silence. Jada apologized for the lack of entertainment, but with them closing in on the house, she had to make sure her mom was ready and that Tasha sent her the pictures for hair and makeup. And it was to also double check that Tasha hadn’t changed her mind and Jada didn’t need to grab anything else that she might’ve left behind. 

Calum signals for the turn and once the neighborhood opens up in front of them, he reclines back into his seat. “I have no clue why I can’t remember that turn in particular,” he murmurs, cruising to a stop at the four way. “Everything else I’ve got like a piece of cake.”

“All of the houses look almost the same. It’s easy to confuse it,” Jada offers. 

Passing one more block, Calum signals for the right turn. He slows down knowing the third house on the left is all he needs. Two cars are already in the driveway, so he continues down to the next available house, pulls in and then backs out to park on the street in front of the house rather than across the street. From the street, the house does sort of look like all the others. But it’s what’s on the inside. Calum can almost hear the music from one of the bedroom’s blasting even from inside the silent truck. The TV in the living room most certainly would be on too. Jada’s childhood home was always alive in ways that Calum missed from his own childhood, though he hadn’t quite gotten used to the idea of five children. But the four bedroom house seemed to still be standing. 

With their bags, for personal stuff, makeup, and Christmas presents, they climb up the driveway and Jada knocks. “I’m too lazy to find my key right now,” she laughs and Calum shakes his head. And it was probably less laziness as it hinged more on the fact that not only across her body were her packed bags and in one hand she had the rolling hair and makeup case, but because he was also carrying one of the two Christmas present bags. Finding keys in this mess was a priority zero at the moment. 

The door swings open soon after, Vicky, the youngest of the bunch greeting them. “Jada! Hi Calum!” she grins, stepping to the side. “Ma! Jada and Calum are here!”

“My God, girl,” Jada giggles stepping into the house. “You gon’ be taller than me if you don’t stop growing.” Jada, standing at 5’8, was not an easy one to surpass, but Vicky definitely looked like she was giving Jada a run for her money. Calum would guess she was nearby 5’6 and only at 12–which was the crazy part. 

The two of them hug each other as much as possible and Jada shuffles further into the house. Vicky greets Calum with a side hug. It’s not too much longer before Tasha, Serenity, and Destini come barreling down the stairs of the house. The Christmas presents are at least slipped under the tree, freeing up enough hands for proper greetings. 

Jada’s engulfed in hugs. The mass of girls sway for a little bit and from the kitchen, Jada’s mother, Roslyn, comes, arms stretched out to join in on the reunion. It’s a joyous sound that fills the house and Calum grins watching them. It’s always like this--as if they hadn’t seen each other in years rather than months. But it always warms his heart.

Calum knows better than to interrupt this moment, so he hangs back making sure the door is fully closed and locked behind him and slips out of his shoes before proceeding further into the house. “Calum!” Roslyn shuffles over to him a big hug too. “I’m glad you could come too!”

“Thanks so much for having me, Roslyn. It means a lot,” he returns, wrapping one arm around her. 

“Of course, of course!” They release each other and Roslyn smiles brightly as ever. And it’s easy to see where Jada gets her smile from. “The drive wasn’t too long now was it?”

“No, traffic was good to us today.” Thankfully it was today. If truth be told, Calum’s glad he got caught with the accident yesterday rather than today. A nightmare of a situation if he ever had to conjure such a thing to life. 

“Good. I swear sometimes getting anywhere in this city is almost like a nightmare. But I’m sure you know all about that with LA traffic.”

“The most nightmares of all nightmares,” Calum returns with a small laugh. By this time the huddle of girls has separated a little and the rest of Jada’s sisters greet Calum as well, side hugs mostly but with lots of grins. 

“Where’s Paul?” Jada asks. 

“Work still. I’m sure it’s nothing too bad,” Rosyln returns. Twenty plus years he’s served and Roslyn only had hope to cling to in the end. “Alright, we got a lot to get at the store. So whoever wants to join, get ready now and we’ll meet back in half an hour,” Roslyn tells the group. “And that way y’all two can get settled a little bit too if y’all want to join.”

“Ma, of course we’re coming with you. You go overboard if no one’s there to stop you,” Jada returns but makes sure to seal the sentiment with a kiss to her mother’s cheek. Jada leads the way up the stairs to her old room--the only thing that had changed was the paint color since she’d moved to LA.

“We still love you though, Ma,” Serenity, the second oldest, says in addition to Jada’s comment behind Jada and Calum. 

The stairs creak just a little as they climb but inside the room, they drop their bags down either along the wall of the closet or on the bed itself. Some of her dance trophies are still lining the walls and Calum finds himself imagining what Jada might’ve been like back in high school, what his life could’ve looked like if she was there then. But more than anything, he’s just glad she’s here now. Resting one knee on the bed, Calum stretches his arm out across to her. Jada looks up, a small hum falling from her throat to let Calum know he’s caught her attention. 

“I love you,” he whispers. 

Her smile softens, eyes oozing nearly, and her whole face lights up when she speaks. “I love you.” 

Jada carefully pulls the sweatshirt off and swaps it for a light cardigan before fishing out her wallet and keys. It’s strange to be home. And maybe it was really only strange in the sense that in some ways, she felt--in addition to all the love that was here--she was still playing a role. As the eldest out of the five of them, Jada always sort of felt like she was setting an example. By the time Serenity was born, Jada was already nine. Her mom, and Paul--her stepdad but all her sister’s biological father--relied on her in ways at the time she was proud to fulfill but she could see in reflection that they’d used her in ways that made her feel like a third parent. And sure, Jada could stay mad at them, but more now with the distance did Jada realize how much coming home felt like stepping back into that role. 

But Jada thinks about seeing Serenity, Tasha, Destini, and Vicky and the way that it’s always been them against the world. That no matter how shitty it got, they always had each other and it reminded Jada that she was never alone in this world. That even though it took her a whole ten years to unlearn all the motherly tendencies she’d accumulated, her sisters would always be her biggest supporters. 

From the cracked door, both Calum and Jada hear another booming voice. “I leave for the night shift and then I come back to see some heavy rollers,” Paul teases. “Jada and Calum made it okay, I take it?”

With a snicker to each other, Jada shakes her head. Paul’s always been a jokester, but he treated her nicely and it was all Jada could ask for really after so many years with just her and her mother sticking it out together. While he could never truly fill the wounds Jada felt about not having her biological father in her life, Paul did what he could. He was there for the dance competitions, first boyfriends and girlfriends, heartache. He knew he couldn’t do it all, but having someone like Paul was just what Jada needed. 

“Only heavy roller I know is you, Paul,” Jada bellows, walking out of the room. Calum smiles watching her. He follows behind, after getting his phone plugged into the charger. They descend back down the stairs and Paul turns in the dining table chair, still in his uniform. The twenty plus years as a paramedic hadn’t creased his face just yet either, not as he grins spotting Jada. 

She embraces him while he stays seated, dropping a kiss to the top of his bald head. “That’s one hell of a night shift,” Jada notes. 

“Duty calls. Someone’s gotta keep an eye out. Besides, I worked this shift and I was able to get off tomorrow for Tasha.”

“So I’ll be sure to make every bit of noise I can after we get back.”

Paul laughs, “It’s a good thing I sleep like the dead.” When Calum peaks into his peripheral vision, Paul waves him in closer. “How’s it hanging, Calum?”

“Can’t complain,” is Calum’s return. 

“Anything you want to add to the grocery list?” Roslyn asks, sliding it in front of Paul. “Rest of us are going in a few.”

“Hey, Calum, can you help me with something?” 

Calum looks up at the sound of name and finds Destini at the foot of the stairs. He nods, stepping towards her. “What’s up? Something too high up?”

Destini is silent as she glances back to Jada, Roslyn, and Paul. She ascends the stairs and Calum follows, unsure of what is going on, but doesn’t ask for more details just yet. They get upstairs and Calum still follows. They pass Jada’s old room and continue until he sees all her sisters tucked away in the room Destini and Vicky share. 

“Oh, uh, is this where you all tell me you secretly hate me?” Calum jokes. 

Serenity laughs. “If we hated you, you’d know.”

“We need your help with someone for Jada though,” Tasha explains. 

Calun nods as he speaks, “Count me in, whatever it is.”

“Well that was easy,” Vicky teases. 

Calum tries to keep the blush from his cheeks, and wants so desperately to keep his cool. But it’s impossible when it involves Jada. “Look at him!” Serenity hollers. “You’re blushing, Calum.” 

“By God, you’re hollering is going to ruin this whole surprise, Serenity,” Tasha huffs, lightly smacking her older sister on her arm. “Keep it down.”

“What are you planning?” Calum asks, knowing there’s nothing else to say to divert the attention. 

“Ma wants to do this big thing for all us being in town, make a really big dinner. But she doesn’t want Jada to know she’s doing that. So we need to distract Jada during the grocery shopping a little and then on Sunday too.”

He thinks he can do that. Jada had a few places that she liked to frequent when she came home. Sunday’s weren’t an ideal day to go out bar hopping but with Christmas happening on a Saturday, he thinks he can distract her with a lunch date instead. But if all her sisters stay, he wonders if it would raise any suspicions.  “How long do y’all need her out of the house on Sunday?”

“If me and Tasha can stay behind, a few hours,” Serenity answers. 

He turns his attention away from Serenity just for a brief moment. “Destini and Vicky, I’m going to need you two for Sunday. Jada talks about wanting to take you two out on her visit, so I think Sunday might be the day.”

The two youngest nod eagerly. “You can count me in,” Destini tacks on. Vicky shrugs, but nods her head too, the beads on the ends of her braids clicking with the action. 

“Let’s aim for as close as 10 as we can get and then we’ll try to be back around 4,” Calum looks to Serenity and Tasha. 

“Think we can do it?” Tasha asks. 

“Make it 5 and you’ve got a deal,” Serenity bargains. She’s mostly thinking about the amount of baking they have to do. 

“You drive a hard bargain, but deal,” Calum concedes. He’s not quite sure how he can keep Jada out that long without making it look suspicious, but he’s hoping Destini and Vicky can help with that. He knows getting brunch or lunch for the group will take a decent amount of time. But not even Jada has the stamina for a lot of shopping. However, he’s praying because Destini and Vicky tag along that they can help lengthen out of the time. Possibly even taking them out for manicures or pedicures. 

Tasha turns to Destini and Vicky, “Y’all can’t say anything when you’re out with them Sunday. I mean, not a word.”

Destini rolls her eyes. “Do you know which sister you’re talking to? I was told I didn’t talk unless someone spoke to me until kindergarten. I think I can keep a secret.”

Serenity giggles and looks up to Calum. “Keep close to Vicky, she can go a mile a minute.”

“I-I am right here, aren’t I?” Vicky asks, glancing around the room as if someone outside the five of them will answer. “Or am I just invisible?”

“You are right here and that’s exactly why we’re saying this,” Tasha answers. “But seriously Vicky you cannot spill the beans on this. Pinky promise me.” Tasha holds out her pinky. Her nails in some ways mirror Jada’s---red for the holidays, but aren’t as long. 

Vicky sighs and wraps her pinky around. “I promise.”

“Alright now. Finish getting ready so we can go. Ma’s going to come bellowing in a minute.”

“Thanks for helping us, Calum. We appreciate it,” Serenity states as he, Serenity, and Tasha step out of the room. 

“Of course. Happy to help,” he returns. 

Serenity and Tasha head off towards their room. Serenity’s attending a local college, but stays home and Tasha’s gearing up to finish her college applications here soon--or that’s what Jada reported to Calum. She’s looking for things in state, but a little bit out of the area. From what Calum’s gathered, there might be one or two out of state options, but he’s not entirely sure. He’ll have to ask. The stairs creak again and he’s quick to duck back into Jada’s room, trying to settle onto the edge of the bed like he’d been there the entire time. 

He listens to the footsteps but they go to the opposite end of the hallway and he exhales, knowing for at least the moment, he’s spared. He checks his text messages and nothing’s terribly pressing. Another set of footsteps can be heard and this time, they do lead right into the room. Jada sits on the edge of the bed, right next to Calum, resting her temple on his shoulder. “Where you disappear to?”

“Destini just needed help getting something from a shelf. Then I got distracted,” Calum chuckles, holding up his phone to show him just browsing Instagram. Jada stretches up to kiss his jaw. “Oh, and do you sister-nap Destini and Vicky on Sunday for the day? Brunch maybe and depending on what they get for Christmas, I’m going to assume shopping is also on the agenda. We can take them out and give Roslyn and Paul some quiet.”

“Oh, a man after my own heart via my sisters. Yeah, we can take them out. Destini’s a picky eater so we’re going to need to make sure wherever we go is good with her.”

“Food allergies?”

“No, she’s just picky. And she’s big on textures. If it’s slimy, she won’t do it. Imagine us trying to have a fish fry. She won’t do fried okra or fish. She’s kinda okay with crab legs. And Lord have mercy if you try to fix her a burger as a substitute with a tomato on it.”

“So we won’t go to a seafood place and no tomatoes. Got it.”

When they get rounded up, Roslyn takes Destini and Vicky in her car. Tasha tags along with Serenity and Calum and Jada bring up the rear. Jada pauses at the driver side door, holding her hand out. Calum sighs, but drops the keys into her palm. “I’m still getting the door for you,” he states. 

“I’d expect nothing from my Prince Charming.” 

The drive’s easy, though there’s a bit of a congestion when they go to turn up into the parking lot of the grocery store. As Calum steps out of the passenger side door, Serenity and Tasha both pass him a look from outside their car. He nods--game time for phase one. “Ma, can we get lemon cake and icing?” Destini asks. 

“Oh, yes!” Jada tacks on. It’s her favorite and though she definitely wasn’t expecting any cakes at Christmas, she won’t pass up on the opportunity to aid Destini’s agenda. 

Roslyn, grabbing a basket, hums. “We’ll see.”

“Ma’s favorite phrase,” Jada chuckles. Calum slides up next to her, threading his fingers through hers. Like they normally do, because Calum knows if he gets too far from her, be it either him lingering to read something or getting distracted in any other right, Jada will come searching or wiggle her fingers to catch his attention. It’s a silent signal, the wiggle of her fingers. One that Calum when he first saw it, had no clue what it meant. But when he didn’t respond, either by catching up or by reaching out, Jada paused, took a step back and grabbed his hand. She said nothing else, but paused with him in his attempt to decide between the original or chocolate flavor of graham crackers. 

But now, Calum’s trying to figure out how he can distract her just enough in this store. What possibly could he get them into now that wouldn’t seem too much like he was trying too hard? The first and most obvious course of distraction is the alcohol. But he can’t come across as too eager. “Should we get a second basket?” Calum asks. 

“Sure, just in case we want anything extra too,” Jada agrees and then grabs one just before they fully pass the entrance. 

Calum wiggles his fingers and she looks at him, a bit of a smile gracing her lips but her eyes say it all, I can push a cart. But she steers it in his direction. “Dying to drive something, huh?”

“It means you go at my pace and I don’t get the silent wiggle.”

“Grocery trips are precise missions,” Jada giggles. “We get in, we get out.”

“And you’re about to learn why we’ve all adopted that mindset,” Serenity teases, turning to them. Destini and Vicky have settled in at either side of Roslyn, and are already tapping on her hips to get her attention at the bright displays. 

“You and Tasha were just as bad,” Jada returns, “so I don’t know why you actin’ like you a saint now.”

“I’ll have you know I’ve given my life over to Christ,” Serenity states though she laughs as she says it. With Roslyn leading the way and Serenity and Tasha behind, Calum for a moment misses the trips to the grocery store with his own family. He hated them at the time. It felt like it always took ages with his mother carefully inspecting everything she put into the cart. But now, he gets it. It becomes a bit of a ritual, and even though most of the trips annoyed him, there was always a piece of his heart that enjoyed when he and his mother would have silly debates in the produce section or when she’d entrust him to pick out the pasta for the house. 

As the entire group dives deeper into the store, Calum notices the glances from Tasha and he knows it’s time to go in for his first move. With the wine aisle in front of them, Calum pushes the cart forwards, making sure to dodge Vicky as she hops to the song playing overhead. “We’re going to need a definitive answer on alcohol,” Calum states. 

Jada gazes just at the length of the aisle and knows for certain it’s going to be a tough call. Calum lets her take the lead and isn’t surprised when champagne is the first added to the cart. 

“For your mum, not you,” he teases. 

“Hey, hey, look. It’s for everyone,” she grins in return. “I don’t know if I should do red wine or rosé. But Ma does love a good red. Why couldn’t I have been a wine lover? Ya know, something classy. But nah, instead I’m out here sipping whiskey straight.”

“You say that like you didn’t just put champagne in the cart.”

Jada waves him off, but spies a bottle of Pinot Noir that looks promising. As she reads over the label, Calum spies some beer. “Is Paul a beer guy?”

Jada hums. “Well, yes and no. It’s not his favorite, but he’ll have one every now and then. He’d appreciate it if you bought some though. You’ve got good taste in beer so I feel like you couldn’t miss.”

“But you hate every beer I’ve given you. And it’s a good thing Ash isn’t here. He riots at my beer selection.”

“Will you hate me if I do both?” Jada returns. 

Calum, having been facing the beer selections, turns to look to Jada. “A rosé and a red?”

“Yeah.”

Serenity is twenty-one, so Calum’s sure someone will definitely polish the bottles off over the course of the week. “Nah, might as well.”

Once Jada places the two bottles into the cart, Calum softly wraps his hand around her waist. Jada leans into the touch. They stand side to side, Jada facing one section of the aisle, Calum facing the other, but still connected. And it’s nice, like this, just in the moment to lean into Calum and catch the familiar musk of his faded cologne and days old nicotine still clinging to the fabric of the green flannel. It’s these moments that mean a lot to Jada, when the world can exist around them, but they are safe inside a bubble. Jada knows it’s not a real bubble, anyone turning the corner could spot them. Calum left the hat behind, though he had tied up his hair into a little bun in the back. But he’s Calum; visible in ways that Jada couldn’t quite comprehend, but also understood so deeply in her bones. 

For either one of them was no escaping who they were—her Black and Calum Indigenous. And because of that they constantly felt exposed. While Jada knew and understood just how they were hypervisible, she couldn’t understand the fame. Not in a way that she couldn’t understand how it worked, but more like she couldn’t understand what hypervisibility meant because of fame. The way that Calum, whenever she mentioned going out and doing things, always took a bit of a deep breath and reached for a hat. It was a shield. Not that it ever hid him completely, but it hid him enough. 

She wonders if how she felt about not wearing rings and necklaces is how Calum felt without his hat. Knowing that she wasn’t actually naked without it, but with it feeling complete. And maybe that was inaccurate as well.She wore jewelry like a blanket, a thing to provide comfort and Calum wore his hats like armor, like a shield. But right now, that shield has become each other. Her face pressing into his chest and him squeezing at her waist has given them the illusion of being hidden away. 

“I need your help with beer, love.”

“And you trust me why?”

“Because I trust you with everything,” Calum returns. And he means it. It’s not even just being there, or reminding him of the little things. But he trusts her to fucking care, even if it’s just him trying to decide if he should splurge on the chocolate flavor of graham crackers or the extra donut from their favorite bakery. She cares with everything in her about him and even though it should worry him, like how could someone care that much about him? He’s so glad someone does. And he’s happy it’s her. 

“Do not go sappy on me in this grocery store. Do not,” Jada warns but pushes up and turns a little. She keeps one hand on the basket and Calum snugly wraps his arm around her waist. 

“Okay, no sap. Beer instead.”

By the time Calum and Jada settle on a case of beer, her family’s long gone. He heard them for the first few minutes of their departure, lingering on a neighboring aisle. But now he can’t hear them. So they wind up a few aisles with no luck before walking along the main straights. Every so often, Jada stops, tugging on Calum’s hand to show him something. Most of the time it’s something intriguing like a new flavor of chips or looking down at the candy aisle. He gives in and adds a couple things of sweets into the cart but gives her a very pointed warning, that she wouldn’t be risking cavities on this trip. Jada’s sweet tooth is unmatched and if left unchecked will cause more problems than it already had. 

Calum’s distraction seems to work well enough because when they reconvene with the rest of her family, it looks like most of the shopping is nearly done, if not done.  “We got the lemon cake!” Vicky cheers, holding onto the box mix. 

______________________________________________

“Tasha, if you don’t--” Jada huffs, pulling the eyeliner away from her face. 

“It’s just weird, I’m sorry!”

Calum hands over the small stack of folded up printer paper to Jada just as she starts to reach for it. She’d prepped it, along with the rest of the array, eyeshadow, blush, foundations, primers, brow pencils, concealer--damn near everything covers every inch of the dining room table. “Thanks, babe.” She fans at Tasha’s face to keep the tears from running and ruining anything. 

“You’re welcome,” he returns and then glances back down at his phone after it buzzes. It’s a text in the groupchat, but it’s not pressing. So he brings his gaze back up to Jada, still fanning over Tasha’s face. The choir’s performance isn’t for another couple hours, but they started the hair and makeup adventure early in the day to make sure that Tasha had plenty of time to still get dressed and get to the school early. 

“It’s always my waterline,” Tasha mutters. 

Jada’s careful as she goes back in to finish. And Calum watches the way she buffs brushes and taps excess powder. It’s a dance or at least that’s the way he sees it, as she blends out colors or gently flicks her wrist to get the stroke of the eyebrow shape just right. He doesn’t hear the music or the timing, but Jada does. 

“Can I see?” Tasha asks once the last bit of the setting spray settles into her skin. 

“Not until your hair is done,” is Jada’s quick reply as she starts pulling the duck clips holding the curls in place. Hair tumbles down and Jada’s quick to separate and fluff as necessary. 

Tasha’s bangs fall just over one eye, but the curls hang loosely on her pressed hair. Destini, who ventures pass the dining room table on her way to get a snack, stops for a second. “Well, well, well,” she teases, a wide grin on her face, hands settling onto her waist. 

“Destini, keep on,” Tasha returns with a laugh. 

“You look good, sis!”

Satisfied with the lay of the last curl and pinning the last star shaped hair accessory into place, Jada digs up the mirror buried under pins and brushes. “What do you think?” she asks. 

There’s a beat and Calum watches as Tasha’s stunned expression turns into a grin, and she squeals. “Oh my god!” She spins around, wrapping Jada up in a hug. “Thank you!”

“Of course. Anytime,” Jada replies softly. 

“Ma! Look!” Tasha shouts up the steps. 

Calum stands from his seat at the table. “She looks amazing.”

“I can do a little something something,” Jada returns. The two of them are silent as they clean. Calum moves the dirty makeup brushes off the side while Jada wraps up the cords to the straightener and curling iron. And it’s somehow harmonious as they slide past each other around the dining room table. 

“I’m holding three palettes and I can’t seem to find where your bag went,” Calum chuckles. And when he turns to the right, he spots Vicky with the bag in her lap. “I would ask what you’re doing, Vicky, but I have a feeling I already know.” She grins. But allows him to place the palettes into the bag. The rest of the clean-up is quick and relatively painless. 

“Ma! Dad! I’m dropping Tasha off to the school early. I’ll be back soon.” It’s Serenity and just beneath it he can hear Jada, Destini, and Vicky talking too. Calum hadn’t even heard Paul today, though he can’t be faulted there was plenty of noise from the girls. And though at moments, Calum’s not sure how anyone can survive living with this many siblings, part of him wants it. A big family--at least in theory. In practice, he’s sure he’ll really only want two and maybe three kids. 

“Let’s get those outfits on, ladies,” Jada states cutting above the internal hum. Destini and Vicky walk in front of her, headed to the stairs and Calum watches her go. Knowing she’ll undoubtedly get sucked into helping them finalize their outfits. Destini won’t have much to change. But Vicky will have a thousand options to consider.

Is this what he could potentially be looking forward to? A house, maybe not as full as this one, with kids of his own, in line with Jada as they get ready for something or another and Calum has helped press and pin hair or taken twists down to redo them without the frizz. And he knows that one of them should get ready first to help entertain the lot while the other is the last one to get ready. 

“You look starstruck there, Calum. And I know I’m a cool man, myself, but you’re the rockstar,” Paul teases, stopping just a couple feet in front of Calum. 

“Oh, um, just thinking,” Calum returns. But there's a knowing smile as Paul finishes his venture to the kitchen. 

Right as Calum heads up the steps to get ready for the performance himself--requested from Jada that he could not show up in a t-shirt and flannel, though it’s everything he wants to show up in--, Destini and Vicky stand right outside their door. Vicky in a dress, green and silver for the festivities and Destini in dress pants and a glittery blue blouse. “Lookin’ good, ladies,” he smiles at them. 

“Keep him around. I like him,” Vicky states to Jada. 

“The current plan is to do just that. Alright, I’ll be down in 30. Please keep all shirts, skirts, or your bottoms of choice clean,” Jada states, watching the duo bounce downstairs. When she glances up to Calum, she notices the half smirk on his face. And it’s not butterflies that light her stomach--not a nervousness by the look. It’s something more like a warmth--feeling of being wrapped up in a blanket on a cold night. She’s happy. As plain and as simple as that. She’s happy with Calum. She can imagine a whole life with him--three kids, two dogs, baking snickerdoodles for the school’s bake sale and fighting with another mother over who’s recipe is better. 

And sure it all sounds silly in some ways. She’s 28, settling into her career in SEO marketing--something she had mostly fallen into after graduating with her Bachelor’s degree and following the start-up companies littering the LA area. She was late to the college game after working 6 years in retail in the surrounding area to help with finances at home and saving up for college in the first part. There was nothing glamorous about that life. She would be the first to admit that, but that didn’t stop her from desiring it. And there was nothing right now that was stopping her from desiring it with Calum either. 

“Are you sure I can’t wear a t-shirt?” Calum asks. It’s mostly in jest. He knows her family takes these events seriously and he would never be the one to disgrace such a tradition. But he also likes to see Jada sweat. 

“Calum, I swear. I ain’t asking you to put on a suit. But if you ruin Tasha’s pictures in her senior year performance, she will curse you. And I won’t have much of a mind to stop her.”

He wraps Jada into a hug, encasing her waist with his arms. “I won’t dare ruin her photos. I just like to see your feathers ruffled.”

It’s a huff and an eye roll that returns his comments, but when Calum goes in for a kiss, Jada doesn’t reject him. “Besides,” Calum adds in a whisper, lips brushing over hers. “I specifically brought those plaid pants you love.”

“You’re killing me,” she laughs in an exhale, flashing back to their first meeting. 

Jada’s college career wasn’t particularly glamorous as she spent a lot of time in class, studying, or working. And over the four year stretch, she worked as a bartender at a few clubs. One in particular was high end, but owned by the same management as the two other ones she’d worked at previously. The owners did crawls of their own bars to make sure it was all proper but on one such visit, the owners came on a night that Jada was working. They’d ask the manager about her and wanted her to work a few private events at the higher end bar. It was double pay and Jada didn’t have enough time to blink before she was saying yes.

It just so happened that one of the private events she agreed to work was a release party for Calum and the rest of the band. Given the crowd, Jada wasn’t trying to intercept who’s album was releasing, she only needed to serve drinks and keep any rowdy participants in line. But it had seemed that even with her head down attitude to work, she’d still managed to catch the attention of someone. She noticed something was happening, when Calum--who was nameless at the time besides the affectionate Plaid Pants that she and a couple other bartenders had labeled him as--continued to come by the bar. He’d order something occasionally, but other times he’d just pass by, as if trying to signal something. But it clearly wasn’t landing until he leaned into the bar and introduced himself to Jada. 

Jada opens her eyes, to find Calum still embracing her, nose gently bumping over hers. “But thank you, I think I’d be happy to be murdered by such an item of clothing on your ass.” They share another kiss, mostly gentle if the hands squeezing at waists aren’t counted. The touches give away everything that the kiss doesn’t--a deeper desire to feel flesh of each other, but knowing right now might not be the best time to give in to such longing. 

Jada places her hands on Calum’s chest, feeling his hands sliding to her ass. “You are dangerous, but we can’t be late.”

With a heavy exhale, Calum rests his forehead against hers. “Right, right. But I wish we could be.”

“I am well aware of how much you wish that,” Jada teases, but pushes her hips into his crotch with a wink. The erection is beyond evident and Calum can only laugh as she walks backwards into the bedroom. “And you’re going to hate the dress I brought with me for tonight.”

Calum groans as he steps through the threshold, closing the door softly behind him. He doesn’t even want to attempt to conjure up any idea of what she’s brought because he knows his imagination won’t do her any justice. “At least tell me there’s some imagination to be spared by the dress.”

“There’s a little bit. There’s a little bit, love.”

“You’re the one asking for trouble,” Calum returns as he finds his black t-shirt. Technically, it violates the rule Jada made but he knows it’ll work well enough especially when he adds the chain. 

“I’m always asking for trouble.” The sentence is punctuated by a slap to his ass. Still bent over to grab something from his bag, he watches Jada shuffle to her side of the room. 

“You better be glad I like it, darlin’.” 

But what he loves even more is when he turns to the sound of his name and Jada’s holding her hair out of the way for him to zip up the dress. It’s navy blue with dots of silver in it--almost like stars or a galaxy splattered all over the dress. He finishes getting his bracelet hooked around his wrist and drags the pads of his fingers over her spine. She forfeited a bra so the entire area is exposed to him and it’s all too enticing to press into her skin. 

“That is not my zipper,” she laughs, but a bit of a shudder stutters her words. 

Calum obeys the original command, and drags the zipper up, encasing her fully into the garment. Her expressed gratitude is soft, and maybe it’s just the fact that Calum’s so enwrapped watching her walk over to the jewelry she laid out early and the way her hips stretch out the material of the dress. It’s just short enough that her walk hikes it up, but long enough that even it still keeps just enough hidden away. They can’t be late, but he really, really would love to push the boundaries on how late they actually can be. He knows he promised Tasha he wouldn’t miss a second and that’s the only thread keeping him back. 

“I can feel you staring,” Jada laughs, both earrings hooked into the pierced hole. 

“Then you also can feel what else I wish I could do right now.”

“I know, I know.” As she says it, she feels his presence closing in. There’s no mirror, but she knows the gaze. The way his eyes are casted downwards, the lick of his lips, the hitch in his breath. And when hands slide across her waist and kisses decorate her neck, Jada knows. She knows just how much she wants to give into him and how much he wants to give into her. So she lets him, resting backward into his chest and bringing an arm up to hold onto his neck, Jada sighs into the kisses he paints into her skin. 

Calum inhales deeply as the perfume invades his nostrils. “Can we spare five minutes?”

“If I spare you five, we’re going to need twenty.”

His hum is interrupted by a small tuft of laughter. “True.” Five minutes isn’t nearly enough time for what he wants to do to her. But he trails a hand up, over the contour of her breast and lightly holds onto her throat. There’s no real pressure, just a resting spot for him and then he continues up after a beat to her jaw to tilt her head back even more. 

Her lashes look too long to be real in the moment before she blinks open her eyes and dark brown irises are staring back up at him. “Love you,” she whispers. 

“I love you,” Calum exhales. He loves her with more than exists in the tips of his fingers as a summation of the great surface area of every ounce of his being. He loves her like chocolate melts in a pocket. It’s slow at first. You think you’re going to keep an eye on it, that you know just how fast it can melt and you’ll catch it. But the truth of the matter is that it sneaks up. You’ll wander off to do something else and then by the time you come back to it, it’s everywhere. Soaked into every fiber of whatever clothing it was left in. 

And that’s how he fell in love with her--putting her just in one corner of his life, believing that he could contain her to that, that he wouldn’t let his defense down and she’d get in, but when he turned away and turned back, she was everywhere. Jada was every fucking where, in the fabric of his lyrics and book recommendations. She was in his cabinets separating glasses from mungs from cups and in the sticky notes she left on his fridge or on the bathroom mirror. Jada was in his fucking socks because sometimes, when Calum found a hole wearing in a beloved pair that he refused to throw away until they became unsalvagable, she’d stitch different shapes to fix the holes. The action rendered everything keepable--he told himself he’d stash them all into a box and show their kids one day. Tell them not to throw out anything their mother patched for them because they’d miss it when it was gone. 

“Everything okay, love?” Jada’s quick to spin in the embrace. Her hands tenderly cup his cheeks. 

And it’s only then that Calum can register the tears that have started to form. He nods, a bit of smile forming on his face. “I’m okay. Sorry.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“It’s nothing to worry about.”

Her eyebrow arches. A silent question that asks him not to bullshit her. Because it’s everything like Calum to be swimming in emotion and never articulate it in the midst of the wave--only after. And while she couldn’t always fault the action, it still worried her. Still made her feel shut out sometimes. Calum holds her cheeks in return, careful just in case she’s put on any makeup. 

“I am not hiding anything, Jada. I swear it.” And he pauses. “Well, not anything detrimental.”

That’s all she’s going to get. For right now at least. So she nods, stretching just a little to kiss him. Her thumbs are quick to rub over his lips though. “So I don’t leave gloss behind.”

“If it’s the one with vitamin E, you might as well leave it. I love that stuff.”

“I’ll bring it with me just in case,” she teases. 

As Calum and Jada descend the stairs, dressed, Paul’s already at the foot of the stairs. “I was just about to call for y’all.”

“My zipper was being finicky,” Jada lies and kisses his cheek once she’s on level ground. “As the eldest, I have to be snatched for the gods and for Tasha’s sake.”

Paul chuckles. “She’d make sure of it.” Roslyn, Paul, Destini, and Vicky ride in one car. Serenity takes hers and Jada drives Calum’s vehicle. Though he again opens the door for her. 

The school looks less like a school than Calum could ever conjure the image of one to look like. But the parking lot appears to be packed and growing. It’s his first time seeing Tasha perform. 2018’s Christmas was still too early to claim as a Christmas as a couple. But 2019 was more solid, even with the challenges. Jada had plans to see her family and Calum had made plans well in advance to as well, so they agreed they’d go to the respective homes. But he heard about the way the choir was the crowd drawer. From what he can see right now, as they walk up to the doors, Jada had not lied about it being a large crowd. 

Outside the auditorium, Calum spots tables selling bouquets. “At intermission, remind me to get Tasha a bouquet,” he whispers to Jada. 

She pauses in her stride, forcing Calum to stop too as he’s holding onto her hand. “They sell fast. C’mon.” He nods and Jada calls for Destini to hold two seats for them.

 The line’s long. It’s clear the entire town adores this performance and makes sure that they are certain to witness it. In the line, he can hear an elderly couple talking about how they refuse to miss a year of the Christmas performance. Calum’s worried they’re going to miss Tasha’s opening solo--his promise. And now he’s glad Jada kept firm about if she granted him the five, it would be the world’s largest fuck up.

 They manage to secure a big and bright bouquet and have to scurry back inside. A tad more difficult thanks to the skinny heel of Jada’s pumps, but not impossible due the nights she spent walking the strip. The lights dim just as Paul’s hand is waving for them. Thankfully, their seats are right near the end and they only have to scoot by a couple. Calum takes the end seat next to the couple. After the director of the program introduces the schedule and provides a little bit of background, the curtain lifts and in front of the risers is Tasha. Jada squeezes his knee and he kisses the top of her head. 

Tasha’s solo nearly brings the house down. Her ending note rings out around them and for a few seconds, Calum can do nothing but sit stunned. The cheer erupts, people standing around him and he’s careful of the bouquet to stand as well and cheer along with them. “You did not tell me your sister could sing like that,” Calum says to Jada close to her ear. 

“The girls’ got lungs enough to come for your money, Hood.”

“And she can have it,” Calum laughs. 

The younger singers perform immediately after. Different reindeer antler styles decorate their heads, shy as they go, but endearing all the same. Calum clutches his chest after they leave the stage and Jada laughs, leaning into his arm. “They were so cute!” he whispers. 

“Very cute. My baby fever just spiked.”

The songs continue on, ones about Rudoloph and Sleigh Rides, all the way to ones about wishing for snow. As the closing performance comes to an end, the auditorium roars with their applause. The walls echo and bounce back every whistle and yawp sent its way. The sound is infectious, finding its way deep into their chest and shaking their bones. But once the curtains close, Jada spins to Calum. “Mission: get a great spot for photos. You’re the front man.”

“I am not ready for such responsibility,” Calum returns, but shuffles out behind the couple at the end. 

“Give me the bouquet. Hold my empty hand. Grab Vicky’s hand, and stay agile. It’s going to get rough.” Calum steps behind once in the aisle and hands over the bouquet. Though he’s yet to see this side of their family outings, he’s not shocked at the system. When someone reaches for his left hand, he glances back to see Vicky and she’s already reaching back for Destini’s. Oh, this is a tried and true system, he gathers. Jada grasps his right hand and all he can do is keep up. There’s no time for questions. 

They weave through the huddled mass of other families and visitors. A few quiet ‘excuse me’s get thrown out. But for the most part, the second Jada spies a pocket, she goes for it and the rest of them slip through with shy smiles as they go. Jada’s surveying as she walks, head glancing left and right. But soon they break free of the auditorium and into the hallway. “Right,” Jada calls back and Calum starts to the right unsure of what he’s supposed to do with that information. 

They veer to the side and once Jada’s satisfied with the pocket, she stops. “Who’s got their phone?” Jada asks. Her’s is in her purse, but she’s got hands full. 

Roslyn pulls up the rear and waves her phone. “Where are we?”

“Next to the bouquet stand. Close to the…” Jada pauses, looking over Calum’s shoulder, easy to do with her heels. “Men’s bathroom.”

“Got it.”

“That was the most tactical exit, I’ve ever seen,” Calum jokes. “And I’ve been escorted through festivals.”

“Nothing like a Miller exit,” Vicky teases. “We got it down to a science.”

“You speak like you have experience.’

“I’ve led a Miller exit once or twice in my short life,” she boasts. 

“Literally twice,” Destini tacks on. 

“You’ve only done three,” is Vicky’s rebuttal.

“And soon both of you will have so many you won’t be able to count,” Paul cuts in. “Now, let’s take a 5.” Both girls nod and Calum would ask what it means to take five, but it’s interrupted by the gushing of Roslyn. Calum spins to find Tasha walking up to them. Her grin is wide and she gives the one friend she’s walking with one last hug before scurrying up to the group. Her heels click with the movement. 

Roslyn gets to her first, a giant hug encasing her daughter. “You did so good, baby!” 

The rest of the family gets hugs in first and when she looks up to ask Calum a question about her performance, a giant bouquet of red roses stares up at her. “OH. Are-are these for me?”

Calum nods, holding them out for her. “Yeah, they are. You were fucking incredible.”

“Thanks, Calum. I-I don’t know what to say. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“The bar is now so high,” she teases, looking to Jada. “You’ve made it impossible for, like any other guy now with Calum.”

“Good--the bar should be high. Now, who’s getting pictures with you first?” Jada grins, whipping out her phone from her purse. 

The rotation goes smoothly. The first ones are just of Tasha and her bouquet, then her, Roslyn, and Paul, then individuals with each of her sisters. It seems to be a silent language as one person steps up next Tasha and then once they’re picture is snapped, they step off to the side. But he assumes this kind of efficiency comes with time. 

Tasha grins, taking the phone from Jada. “One with you and Calum.”

“We didn’t just absolutely deliver an Aretha Franklin-esque performance. You did,” Jada returns. 

“For memories,” comes Tasha’s rebuttal.

Calum steps into the frame. ���C’mon, love. It is what she wants.” He holds out his hand for Jada and she obliges, taking it. 

“Prom pose,” Tasha directs and Jada turns in front of Calum. His hands settle on her waist. There’s no flash to let them know, but Tasha’s face says it all once the picture’s been snapped. “Calum, you look like you’re in pain.”

“I’m not exactly fond of photos,” he answers honestly. 

“But you do like my sister, right?”

“More than like,” he returns and mostly means for it to be quiet and for Jada, but he knows Destini caught it when there’s fake gagging behind him. 

Jada faces him at the confession and smooths her hand over the chest of his t-shirt. “Wanna say that to my face, stud muffin?”

At the nickname, Calum laughs, pulling her into his chest, not quite thinking about the setting they’re in. “Oh do not call me that. Please spare me.”

“There we go!” Tasha calls out. “Now we just need a family photo.”

Calum kisses the end of Jada’s nose, but reaches out for the phone. “I can take it.”

“Uh, and how do you think you’re going to take it when you’re in it?” Tasha returns, spinning to face him again. She’d turned previously to find someone who might be free to snap a photo of them. 

“I thought--you said family.”

“Yeah, and by the way you’re looking at my sister, you are family.” Tasha taps on the shoulder of an older woman. “I’m sorry. But do you mind just snapping a quick photo of me and my family?”

“‘Course not, sweetheart.” The woman takes the phone and waves for everyone to bunch in. But Calum’s still reeling from Tasha’s statement. By the way you’re looking at my sister, you are family. Was it that obvious to everyone else? Was he just playing a game that was unnecessary? And not that this was a game, but he didn’t think everyone else saw it. The way he could feel himself falling more and more in love with Jada--the chocolate now soaking into the structure of his bones. He manages a smile just as the woman counts down in front of them. Tasha thanks her and looks over the photos. She sends the ones she likes to the family group chat for everyone to save if they should choose to. 

“Can we go out for dinner?” Tasha asks. She knows there’s lots of leftovers, but she wants something more than just the family dinner after such a performance. . 

“I’ll take you out after we eat at home,” Serenity jumps in. “Paint the town red.”

“She’s only eighteen,” Roslyn returns. But it’s too late, Serenity and Tasha are already giggling into each other and pushing forward to the entrance of the school. 

“Do you want to go out with Serenity and Tasha?” Jada asks. Calum, reflexively wrapping his fingers around Jada’s, doesn’t say much. He doesn’t say anything at all. No, it couldn’t be that obvious. Tasha just liked to tease like that, he thought. She was like Jada--she’d use humor to say what she really wanted to say. 

“Baby?” Jada tries again and then pauses when she gets no response. Calum gets one extra step ahead of her and stops when there’s no motion behind him. “Calum?”

“Yeah? Yes?” he returns, catching onto his name. 

“Are you okay? Back at the house and now--I’m worried.”

He takes the step back up onto the curb of the school. Jada’s not necessarily a nagger. She doesn’t keep asking, but she doesn’t forget. It was something like a catalog--she kept it all with her even when it was no good to her. And she’d hold and hold until the thing would pop, when she could no longer hold onto the thing anymore. There’s only so much time he’d have before she pops. 

“Does everyone see it?”

“See what, Calum? You’re scaring me.” Jada didn’t want to admit that she was scared. The relationship had been going well. They met every challenge as best they could and then what they had didn’t seem to perfectly work, they continued to tackle it head on. But only two years of officially dating and the eight months or so where they were still trying to understand what exactly was going on, felt too fast--how could Jada be imagining marrying Calum? How could she be picturing children? She hardly had a career in the grand scheme of things. She had just moved in six months ago. There was no way. No way could she have imagined all those things in such a short period of time. But it felt so right and if Calum wasn’t picturing that--why would he be doing anything of this after this point and time?

“No, no,” he steps in closer. “It’s nothing bad, love. I promise. God, I promise it’s not bad.”

Jada’s heart thunders in her chest. “Then-then what is it? Does everyone see what?”

“You’re like--” he can’t say chocolate. It’ll sound crazy. “Does everyone see how crazy in love I am with you? Because I really thought I was great at hiding it, but I mean, even your sister is calling me family and I just can’t help--is that--” Is he really going to ask it like this? He’d planned for something more, better. A cute proposal in their backyard with Duke holding the ring on his collar. 

“Is that, what?”

“Is that something you want? To be a family? Married? With me?” Married--what a funny word. He couldn’t believe he was uttering it to her like this on the steps of a fucking high school, but here he was.

Jada’s whole face lights up. And it should be more of a shock to Calum’s system. But only relief floods him--he can see the ‘yes’ forming on her lips before she speaks. The way she nods her head even though he’s cupping her cheeks. “Yes, it’s something I want. With you.”

“With me?” Calum questions again.

“Yes, with you, silly.”

And he’s kissing her. Because there’s no one else he can picture growing old with. Sure there were fears--would he fuck it all up and somehow end up repeating the fate of his parents? But the thrill of getting it right fueled him. It’s Jada saying yes to him. The one person who he knew down to his bones wouldn’t give up on him. And quite possibly, it’s just his own hope and faith, but something in his gut tells him, she wouldn’t. Not without good reason at the very least and it isn’t his intention to ever give her a reason-good or otherwise- either. 

Calum’s the first to pull back from the kiss. “Please know that this isn’t--like, I want to propose properly,” he sighs, breathing heavily from the excitement. “A ring. Duke, the whole shebang.”

“Or this could be you proposing properly,” Jada laughs. “Besides, we’re in Vegas. Do you think anything is ever proper here?”

“Your family would literally kill me,” he laughs in return. “I’d much prefer to live.”

“What my family never knows won’t hurt them. But,” Jada starts and then pauses to give Calum another kiss, “all I’m saying is there’s no faster place to get married than Vegas.”

Calum can’t help but chuckle. Jada’s not impatient, but she’s not traditional on a lot of things and Calum does prefer to keep things more secretive. “Just no Elvis impersonators and I think I could be sold.”

Jada takes a small step back. “Are--as much as I’m okay with getting married in a day, I know things are different for you. So please know that I’m okay with waiting. I just--”

“Hey, hey, now. No going into a tizzy. We’re going to be okay.”

“No going into a tizzy,” Jada repeats with a nod. 

“We don’t have to decide right now. We should sleep on it, don’t you think? Have a proper conversation.”

“You’re right, you’re right. I just--I’m excited.” And as she says it, she wraps her arms around Calum’s waist. “I’m relieved too. That we’re at least on the same page.”

“It is a good thing. But tomorrow, let’s talk.”

“Tomorrow,” Jada agrees and the two of them share one more kiss before stepping down off the curb and towards the car. “Did you want to go out tonight? Tasha’s itching and Serenity’s going with her.”

“Tasha’s only eighteen, so I have a feeling her options are limited.”

“She’s most likely going to wind up at a hookah lounge. She’s not quite ready for Little Darlings,” Jada says with a small bit of laughter and Calum knows. He’s maybe shocked that Jada’s aware. Though, he really ought not to be. 

“We could go--” he starts but Jada’s laughter quickly cuts him off. “What? Why are you laughing?”

“Just the thought of us two minutes go basically agreeing that we want to marry each other and immediately following that conversation with one about going to one of the most famous nude clubs in Vegas.”

“Okay, but nowhere near or in that sentence am I hearing the phrase, ‘I don’t want to go to a nude club.’ So I think it’s safe to say that our agreement to marriage isn’t about to fall apart.” He opens the door for Jada and helps her into the truck. 

“But it’s only us that could have that conversation.”

“So, is it a yes or a no?”

“Bubs, I love you. But I can assure you with every ounce of my being there are better clubs for us to visit.”

“And how can you be so sure of that?”

“Because I’ve been to better ones. But we can’t go tonight if we’re going with Tasha and Serenity.”

“I think I’m more intrigued by these better clubs you’ve been to if I’m honest.”

“Well, hop in, good lookin’. There’s the night of your life that awaits you.” The drive back to the house is quick and mostly quiet. The radio plays softly and when they enter the house, the laughter wraps them up. 

Calum starts to regrets his second plate when he notices Jada come back down the stairs with her platform thigh high boots on. He didn’t really intend to go in for that many seconds. But Roslyn was huffing about how she was so close to clearing one dish of deviled eggs that he felt obliged to help such a predicament. And maybe he helped himself to more than just the eggs when he got up because there were corn muffins still staring up at him. And he couldn’t resist those either. 

“Uh oh, he looks down for the count,” Jada teases as she blots over Tasha’s face in preparation for their departure. “I think it might just be you and Serenity tonight.”

“Oh, but I really wanted to hang with you tonight,” Tasha states. 

“Go. Save yourself. Have fun,” Calum mutters reclining into the cushion of the couch. He is absolutely not moving anytime soon, not when he shuts his eyes. “I--I overdid it on plate two.”

“You’re sure you’re going to be okay? I was supposed to show you around.”

“I wouldn’t even make it to the first club,” Calum returns. “Next time, love.”

 A kiss is pressed into his cheek before one lands on his lips. “I’ll text you when we get there and when we’re leaving.”

“Thank you. Sorry about this.”

“Oh, no need to apologize. The itis catches everyone at some point. Just like you said, next time I can show you some clubs.” He hums, a bit of a nod rocking his head and then the door opens and closes from his left. 

Calum anticipates staying on the couch for a little bit. He still wants to help clean up the kitchen, but the longer he stays seated the closer and closer sleep feels. A losing game to play, Calum’s sure. But he plays it anyway. And it’s only a particularly harsh clink that forces him upright. 

“He lives,” Vicky giggles.

“Barely,” Calum returns before pushing off the sofa. Almost all of the dishes have been collected and washed and he mentally curses himself for staying on that sofa after feeling the first tug of sleep. “Need anymore help?”

“Oh, no, baby. We’re good. Thank you,” Roslyn returns. “The second you sat down after your second plate, it was all over.”

“You’d think I’d learn my lesson after the last time.”

“We never do,” Roslyn laughs, placing the new clean pot onto the rack.

“Calum! Your phone’s buzzing! It’s Jada!” He looks to the living room, to spot Vicky holding up his phone. 

“I’ll be right back,” he tells Roslyn and half jogs to get it. “Thank you, Vicky.”

“Uh huh, you’re welcome.”

“You are so nosey!” Destini returns, curling up into the corner of the couch with her book in front of her. 

“Jada said she’d text him when they got there! And her name was just on the screen.”

As Calum reads the text, sure enough Jada confirms their safe arrival, he smiles a bit. He’s glad that Jada can spend time with her sisters, like she wanted. “Thanks for the heads up, Vicky.” 

The house sits a bit more quietly with the kitchen clean and the dishes put away, TV playing and slowly people get ready for bed. Calum steps out of the bedroom to rejoin the current movie marathon that Vicky spontaneously decides to host. But just as he checks the time on his phone and for any texts from Jada, he can hear something rattling down the hallway. Destini comes out of her shared room with a blue bag in her hands. 

She pauses when she notices Calum watching her. “Well, this was going to be an ambush. But I’ve heard that you paint your nails sometimes or at least get them done sometimes.”

It’s the serious tone that she has that causes Calum to crack, giggling as he looks back to the bag. “And if I do?”

“I’m your gal,” Destini states proudly. “I’ve got black, red, green, blue, purple, orange, yellow, green and I have different shades inside those colors too. I have holo toppers. Ma doesn’t like it when I use the chrome powders too much because they can get a little messy. But for you, I think she can make an exception to the rule. I can’t have gel yet. But next year after I turn sixteen, I’m supposed to be able to buy them and the lamp so I can do gel manicures.”

“Lead the way into your salon,” Calum states but does reach out for the bag to carry it for her. 

“A perfect gentleman. Right this way.” They head down the stairs, through the living room and back to the kitchen table. Destini grabs the roll of paper towel from the counter and he turns on the light. 

“Can I look through your colors?”

“Yep!” Destini returns, dragging over a smaller trash can. 

It’s almost unending as he pulls out the bottles. Some icy blues, bright reds, and burgundy greets him. He keeps going and finds dark greens too alongside some shades of sage as well. Glitter polish peek out and he pulls out small containers of powders--the chrome he figures. By the time he gets all the bottles pulled out, Destini is fully set up opposite of him with stickers and other nail accessories too, bowls, cuticle pusher, and oils. “How long have you been collecting all this?”

“Oh I want to get my license and work at my auntie’s shop,” Destini returns. “I practice on my sisters and there’s some stuff like extensions that I still need to learn. I’ve done one gel tip extension set. But I still need a lot of practice.”

Calum nods, torn between a blue and the black. “Well,” he says, putting his hands onto the towel in front of her. “I am more than happy to be live practice.”

“Any color in particular?”

Calum shakes his head. “Nah. I trust you.”

“Can you do me next?” Vicky asks, pulling up to the table as well. Whatever movie she’s picked is clearly now forgotten for now at least. He’s sure they’ll return to those after this detour. 

Destini nods. “Sure. Let me just get his colors and then you can choose.” Destini pulls out a black and a purple polish alongside a purple chrome powder. Calum watches her assemble all her necessities and settles in. He makes sure to turn his phone face up, so he can see anything that comes in and not interrupt her work. 

The night doesn’t even feel that long, and maybe it’s because the music has rattled their bodies in ways that makes the silence feel like time is slowing down again. Jada checks her phone to see it’s nearing midnight. Serenity and Tasha walk ahead of her back to Serenity’s car. Calum had responded to her initial text about making it to the strip, but the thread sat silent between them. We’re on our way back. 

“Jada Renee! Come move your slow ass,” Serenity shouts. 

“Serenity Taylor!” Jada hollers back, but starts back up to catch up. It’s early in the night if any of them are honest. But they know with Christmas on the horizon and only being a couple days out, they need not push the boundaries of their mother’s patience. So they call it an early night. 

The living room lights are still visible from the windows as Jada walks up to the house and she’s shocked that anyone would even still be downstairs. But as the door creaks open and the house opens up to the three of them, it’s quite clear that the bodies are downstairs but everyone’s asleep. Calum sits on the far end of the couch, head dropped into the couch cushions. Next to him are Destini and Vicky, both sprawled out of the cushions. Vicky’s tucked into his side and Destini rests her head on the arm of the couch nearest to the door. Jada tiptoes into the house and Serenity and Tasha are as quiet as they can be behind her in their heels. 

“We’ll take them,” Tasha whispers, pointing over Destini and Vicky. Jada nods and walks over to Calum. The two youngest barely wake enough to stand but with Serenity and Tasha supporting their weight, all four of them make it up the stairs. 

Calum wakes, right as Jada goes to reach out and stroke his cheek. There’s a moment where they both freeze, hoping not to startle the other. Then Calum smiles, taking her outstretched hand and tugging her forward. “Hey, baby.”

“Hi, love. I see you hung tough with the party animals.” Something black catches her eyes so she looks down at his hands. Every finger, minus the ring finger, is painted black. His ring finger sports something that looks a little blue, a little green, and purple--almost shifting through the spectrum. She wonders if it has chrome on it. 

“Destini,” Calum answers, watching her gaze. “She did really well.”

“Yeah, last I heard it was her latest career path of choice. Ma’s not too happy about it, but if it’s what Destini wants, she ain’t gonna have much choice in the matter. C’mon, let’s go to bed.”

Calum hooks his hand onto one of Jada’s thighs, right on the cusps of the top of the boot and her actual flesh, and pulls her into his lap. “Tell me about your night first.”

“I smell like smoke, I’m sorry.”

“You say that to the smoker in this relationship.”

“That is true. We just went to the hookah lounge like I told you and we walked the strip a little. Not too many places will let Tasha in, but she had fun, I think. Once she turns 21, there’s plenty of damage we can do together.”

Calum chuckles, thumb stroking at Jada’s inner thigh. A bit of her lace is lifting and he runs a finger over it. “You brought your glue right?”

“I’m probably going to take this down tomorrow. See if I can sucker my mom into washing my hair for me.” 

He nods. “When Tasha turns 21 and the three of you can legally terrorize Vegas, I’ll make sure I give the city a call as a heads up.”

“We’re not that bad.”

“Bad enough,” Calum states, kissing her cheek. 

“What about you? How was your night?”

“Mellow. It was nice. Vicky headed movie night and Destini painted nails. Roslyn and Paul called it a night pretty early on; I think at some point between the first and second movie. And as you can see, the three party animals didn’t make it past 11 or so. I think I was the last one to fall asleep.”

“Sounds lovely,” Jada returns, running the pads of her fingers over his forearms. “The entire time we were out Tasha gushed her heart out about the flowers you bought her.”

Calum’s not sure how to respond. Because part of it is simple courtesy. But the other part is a bit of pride. He always wanted to treat not just Jada right, but her sisters right too. There was no way to Jada that didn’t involve her sisters. “I’m glad she likes them.”

“I can’t wait to marry you. And not like I can’t. But I think that’s a day that I’ll cherish deeply.”

“And to think, you wanted it to be tonight.”

“It can be tomorrow for all I care.”

“We’ll just have to see come tomorrow. But I do want to run it by Roslyn and Paul first. It’s important to me that they’re on board too.”

Jada nods, turning her head to look at Calum. His gaze is casted down, brows pulled together. She knows that look.  “What are you thinking about?”

“That I want to call my mum tonight and figure out what size ring you wear.”

“I can’t break Joy’s heart.” It’s mostly an internal thought meant to be no louder than a whisper. 

But in the silence and closeness that they sit, Calum hears it. “You’re not going to break her heart. She adores you. So does Dad and Mali.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to take anything away from them.”

“Which is why we’ll talk to her. It’s early in Australia. We’ll get it all straightened out.” It’s a nod that he gets in return. “No going into a tizzy, remember?”

With an exhaled tuft of laughter, Jada nods again. “I know, no going into a tizzy.”

Calum plants a kiss to her cheek and taps her thigh. “C’mon. Let’s get you a shower and I’ll call Mum.”

They clean up the downstairs and turn off the lights as they go. Jada settles onto the edge of the bed to peel out of the boots and Calum gathers her towel and washcloth. He pauses at her pajamas. “Christmas PJ’s or your blue ones?”

“Blue ones--we save Christmas ones for Christmas Eve. Also, I am stone cold sober. You don’t have to do all this.”

“I know,” Calum states and then kisses her temple. “Wanted to.”

Jada spies the lacy pink underwear neatly settled onto the top of her pile. “And I can see why.”

“They look good on you,” Calum defends. 

“And off me too, I’m assuming,” Jada returns, recalling all the times he’s peeled her out of them. Calum laughs as she leaves to go to the bathroom.

 The FaceTime call rings, a blurry screen greeting Calum as he reclines into the pillows and bedframe. He’s hoping it’s not too early for a call. But he needs to let her know. It rings for a moment longer and then finally connects. His mother smiles. “Hey. Let me look at you,” she greets. 

“Hi, Mum. How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you? Is that Jada’s room?”

Calum nods, flipping the screen and showing off the walls. “Yeah, it is. Today was Tasha’s choir performance. So we did that. Then Tasha, Jada and Serenity went to the strip. I stayed back and Destini did my nails,” he flips the camera back around to show her Destini’s work. 

“Oh, those look great.”

“Yeah, she did really well.”

“What’s the rest of the week looking like?”

“Jada and I are taking Destini and Vicky out on Sunday after Christmas.” He pauses. Because truth be told, depending on how the conversation tomorrow goes, who the hell knows what’s going to happen. “I-I called to talk to you about something, Mum.”

“Uh huh, now here we go. Okay, let me get my coffee first and then I’m all ears.” There’s a shuffle and Calum hears the glug of coffee into her mug of choice. She settles down into a chair, phone resting against something as she holds the mug in both hands. “Alright, what is that you want to talk about?”

He feels like a child again as his mother’s gaze pierces his through the screen. “So,” and there’s no other way to say it. He can’t preface with a first, or second, or third. “I--I wanna marry her, Mum. And I mean like, I’m not just saying it. I really want to marry her.”

Joy smiles, watching Calum. She can see it, in the way he can’t help but smile when he talks about her. “That’s wonderful. Does Jada know?”

“Yeah, we talked briefly today and have plans to talk more tomorrow. And I don’t know. It might not be well received if we get married now and have the spectacle later, ya know? I don’t want to alienate you or Dad.”

“Son, you have fallen faster and harder for Jada than I’ve ever seen you with anyone else. The only thing that would disappoint me is you not doing the things that make you happy. We can celebrate and do the spectacle at any time for you two. But do what’s right for you? You’ve always made choices that worked out. Doesn’t mean the lessons won’t be hard. But if you love her, they’ll be worth it.”

“I don’t want to fuck it up, ya know.”

“We’re always human, sweetheart. I know you’re afraid because of your father and I.” A silence settles--one that lets Joy know that she’s got the nail on the head. “What does your gut say?”

“That I do want to be with her. I want the whole run of it--kids, dogs. With her. And I know it won’t be easy. But I don’t want to imagine it with anyone.”

Joy catches the use of ‘want’. Calum could imagine something else--he had choices. And everyone did--every single person had choices to make. But he was choosing Jada. “Then you don’t imagine it with anyone else. Don’t choose anyone else.”

“You make it sound so simple, Mum. And we both know it’s harder than that.”

“Oh, I never said it would be easier. But this can be. This can be the easiest thing you do in your life right now.”

The question lingers and as the door creaks open, Jada gives a quick wave. He smiles and looks down to his phone. “What’s the hardest?”

“Keeping it--making the choice over and over and over again. But with the two of you, I believe.”

___________

It’s hard not to wake up early the next morning early. Between the hiss of something cooking downstairs and the muffled voices of the rooms surrounding, sleeping in seems like something impossible. But it’s not something Calum ever really intended to do. His phone buzzes in his hands--a message from his father. News is you’re looking at rings. 

Yeah, pops. You talked to Mum?

She called earlier. I figured you’d be sleep. But call me when you get a moment. 

Calum watches Jada, face pressed into the satin material of pillowcase. The noise must be normal for her--something that even her subconscious blocks out. And he figures she can be spared a few extra minutes in slumber. He slips out of the bed and slowly opens the door. In the hallway, he can hear Destini and Vicky’s voice from downstairs. Serenity and Tasha are still in the room next to them. 

“Hey!” His dad greets. 

“Hi Pops. How’s it going?”

“You sound like you just woke up. You doing alright?”

“Yeah, it’s,” Calum wipes across his screen. “It’s about 7:45 here. Still early.”

“And what in Christ's heavens are you doing up?”

“Ring shopping,” Calum answers sheepishly. “And I still need to ask her mom and stepdad.”

“Aye! My boy! I’m proud of ya son. Jada’s lovely.”

“Thanks, pops.”

“Well, I ain’t lookin’ to blether not without some pints at least. But I just want to pass along my congrats. We’ll have a party soon too, I hope.”

“Yeah, I’ll have more details soon. But I won’t forget you or Mum or Mali. I promise.”

“Aye, aye. I know you won’t. It’s the fame, I reckon. Trying to keep the noise level down?”

“Well, this really came up just yesterday. So we still gotta consider all our options.”

“And you ain’t got a ring? Boy!”

“I know, I know. But it’s all gonna work out.”

“For you I hope so.”

“A ring?” The shout comes from down the hall a little ways and when Calum looks to his left, he spots Serenity and Tasha right outside their door. Both with bonnets still on, but dressed clearly for the day. “Did we just hear what we heard?” Tasha asks. 

His father laughs. “Oh, have I ruined the news?”

“It’s her sisters, Pops. Can I call you back?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course! Talk to you later, son!” The call ends and Calum waves for them to settle and steps in closer. He’s not sure if they’re going to shout, but he’s praying to whatever gods that exist, they don’t. 

“I think we did,” Serenity returns. “Does Jada know?”

Calum nods. “I still need to ask Roslyn and Paul permission. It’s all happening kind of fast. But yeah, she knows.”

“Oh,” Tasha starts. 

“My,” Serenity continues and in unison, they say, “God.”

“After breakfast, you and I are going out, Cal.” Serenity says it with finality, as if there’s nothing Calum can do to refute it. And two days from Christmas, Calum’s not sure he’s going to have much luck. 

“I-Can we make it lunch?”

“Sure. But you will not have my sister with no basic ass ring. I absolutely refuse. Unless you want me dead and you dead too. Because if she kills me, I’m coming back to haunt somebody.”

“No, not in the slightest,” Calum states. Serenity descends first but Tasha lingers behind. “You tagging along?” he asks. He’s sure she will. 

“I-Can we talk?”

“Yeah, of course.” 

She waves him back into her room and he stands along the wall. A spot between the start of her floating shelves and the door to the room. She looks down to the floor before looking back up to Calum. “This is like so stupid. But I just wanted to say thanks. For being you. And for the bouquet again.”

“You’re welcome Tasha. You really were phenomenal last night.”

“Thanks. But really, it means a lot. And Jada seems happy, like really happy for the first time in a long time. And you don't have to do all that you do--letting Destini do your nails or like dealing with the madness of all of us. Or even helping us with Sunday. I don’t know. I just wanted to say thanks.”

It’s obvious. It’s so fucking obvious and no matter how much Calum wanted to hide it he’d never be able too. But that doesn’t stop him from being speechless. “You don’t--really, I’m happy too. But thanks. For noticing.”

“So, when do you plan on talking to Ma and Dad?”

“I have a feeling I need to do it today. Like, as soon as I can. But tell me one thing. What are my chances of dying today?”

“Are y’all two married yet?”

Calum shakes his head no. “If it were up to Jada solely, the answer would be different.”

“Then I think the chances are low, but not zero.”

“I never think the chances hit that low.” 

Holding out her arm, Tasha nods for Calum to tag along. “C’mon. I can sweeten up Paul. I’m his favorite.”

Calum looks back to Jada’s bedroom and for a moment, wishes he could at least be there when she wakes. But he knows he needs to ask without Jada there. Hooking his arm through hers, he and Tasha trot down the steps. A conversation, which Calum has a suspicion he already knows the subject about, looks like it stops and Roslyn pauses at the stove, facing the two of them completely. 

“Tasha, can you take a look at the cinnamon rolls? They’re proofing. Good morning, Calum.”

“Good morning, Roslyn.” Yep, the secret’s not really a secret anymore. And even though, he can tell Roslyn is sizing him up, he can see the edge of a smile threatening her face. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Can you talk and cook?”

He nods. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Serenity, let him man the pancakes.” 

She takes a step back and lets Calum take her spot. “I tried to warm her up. But she’s good,” she whispers as she turns to help Tasha. 

Calum waits for the bubbles on the pancake in the pan and then flips it. Roslyn turns over the sausage in her pan. “Is Paul still here?”

“Who’s calling my name?” Paul asks, stepping back into the house, bags in hand. “I got the orange juice, Ros.”

“Thank you, babe. Can you come here for a second?” she calls out. And it’s the swish of a plastic bag that let’s Calum know that Paul is closing in. 

“Mornin’ Calum! Oh, she got you working hard, I see.”

“Good morning, Paul.” 

They give each other a nod and Paul slips through to put the juice in the fridge. “Whatcha need, babe? I ain’t forget nothing now, did I?”

“Calum, here, wants to talk to us,” Roslyn relays. 

“Well, we not talking over this hot stove. Des and Vicky,” he calls. They come in from the living room, having already set out all the table settings and glasses. “Y’all take over for Calum and Ma for a minute, okay?”

“Okay.” They return in unison and Calum pours the batter for the next pancake into the pan before handing the spatula over to Destini. 

“Oh, dude, it’s not chipped!”

“Nah, you did good,” he returns. 

“I’m trying a new top coat and I was a little nervous. I wrapped the tips like I’m supposed to, but sometimes new products won’t layer right.” 

With a hum of recognition, Calum follows Roslyn and Paul to the table. And he wasn’t nervous before--not when he had something to do. But now his hands sweat a little. He’s done things on a massive scale, performing to thousands of people before. But that’s miles different than this. Roslyn sits and Paul stands behind her chair. Oh this is so much worse. Objectively, a thousand times worse whatever crowd he’s performed in front of hands down. How is he even supposed to start here? A thank you? Just outright asking for their permission? 

“You look a little nervous there,” Paul starts. 

“I, well, I am a little,” Calum answers. But he exhales through his nose and figures thank you’s never hurt. Or least, it’ll buy him some time to sort out the words he wants to use. “First, thank you for letting me into your home. I know it’s a squeeze, but I appreciate you two embracing me each time so openly. I know it hasn’t been terribly long. And let’s be honest, I-I can’t exactly act like it’s surprising news either. But I want to say that the last two years I’ve spent with Jada have been nothing short of amazing.”

Calum pauses, taking another deep breath. He can already see the tears in Roslyn’s eyes. When he looks at Paul, he’s tear-eyed too. “God, it shouldn’t be this hard,” he laughs, feeling tears stinging behind his own eyes. “I know I want to marry your daughter. Like there’s no other way to say it and no way to be more tactful. I already get teased about it, but I love her. In all simple truths, I know I want to spend every last second I have on this planet with Jada, but I would never want to do that without your blessing first. I know how important family is to her and I’d be remiss not to ask you. So do I have your blessing to marry Jada?”

“Oh my god, I’m so close to driving the two of you to the fucking courts myself,” Roslyn jokes, popping up from the seat. “Yes, Calum. I already consider you family.” She wraps him in a hug, swaying back and forth. It’s a tight hug and Calum’s glad for it. His own chest feels like it’s going to cave in without the support to hold it together. 

When Roslyn lets go, she keeps one arm around his waist. Paul, still standing behind the chair, seems almost frozen. The tears are running down his face and there's pride on his face, but still something like disbelief tinging it. His chin wobbles a little and it’s almost like all the air catches in his throat. “She was my first daughter. I wasn’t there for the first few years, but she was my first. I was there to help teach her how to ride a bicycle. She came to me first to come out. She called me Pappa Paul still then too. And I am incredibly blessed to see her grow up. But to find a man like you--that’s something I prayed for, for all my girls.” Paul finally takes a step out from the chair. He’s a bit slow to close the distance between them. “Calum--you’re everything I’d want for my daughter and a bit more too. And Jada’s capable, make no mistake. Girl’s got some horns on her once she’s settled onto something. But I think the true honor is knowing that she’s in great hands. Take care of my little girl, okay? Please? She won’t always make it easy, but she makes it worth it.”

Calum’s vision swims and he blinks to clear the tears. They well back up again and he nods. “Of course, Paul. I’m happy too,” it’s choked as he says it and soft. But when Paul hugs him, Calum knows it was heard. 

“Where are the tissues?” Destini asks. 

Tasha hands her one, clutching the box in her arms. All their attempts to pretend like they weren’t listening immediately stopped the second the triage settled at the dining room table. Serenity turned off the burners to keep anything from burning and Tasha found the spare box of tissues from the cabinet. 

“Fuck, if I don’t have a love like that, I don’t want it,” Serenity teases, dabbing under her eyes. 

Jada leans into the railing of the stairs, shoulders shaking with her own tears. And when Calum excuses himself to the spare bathroom on the first floor, he spots her. She’s not even attempting to hide herself. “How much?” he asks, pivoting his course and starts up the stairs. “How much did you catch of that?”

“I swear I wasn’t--” she hiccups, “I didn’t mean to. I was headed back up actually and then--” Another hiccup interrupts her. Calum settles onto the step next to her, arms wrapped around her shoulder. “And I guess I came down after your whole thing. Because I heard Ma say yes and I hadn’t-- I hadn’t even noticed I stopped calling Paul Pappa and I just broke.”

Calum nods, holding her close to him. She shakes against him and he does her best to soothe her. It takes a minute or so and when she gets still enough, Calum encourages her up. Her eyes are red and her cheeks--dark like the rest of her--are clearly stained. “He loves you no matter what.”

“I-I know, but that has to hurt though.”

“Let’s get to the bathroom, okay, love.” He leads them up the rest of the stairs. The one that creaks no matter how much weight you try not to put on it still creaks on them and when they get to the landing, Calum turns in the direction of the first bathroom. 

Jada rests against the wall, exhaling as her head rests backward. “I’m okay. That just--it hit like a ton of bricks.”

“We don’t even know we’re growing up until it happens,” Calum says, finding new clean washcloths and running them under cold water. “Look at me,” he commands softly and wipes one under her eyes. 

“Is there a dry eye in this house?” Jada jokes, trying to reach for the second washcloth. 

“Hey, stay still. And I highly doubt it. Serenity and Tasha are kidnapping me later today.”

“May I ask why?”

“Ring shopping,” he answers, dropping the cloth for a second. 

“Calum,” Jada starts, “my only request is that you don’t buy me rose gold. But I thought we needed to talk. I know your Mum was for it but still.”

“I can still go ring shopping. Our conversation isn't going to change the fact that I absolutely do want to marry you. I just want to make sure when we talk it’s about being sure, and we’re not on different pages about kids or anything else important.”

“I want to know if you want to be closer to your family or not. You mentioned it once wanting to move back to Australia. And I know my family is here, but I think that’s also important to get straight.”

Calum nods. He did want that. He’s not sure if it’s feasible at all with where the band is currently in their career and then he’d take to take her so far away from her family too. Not ideal in any shape. But if kids aren’t in the picture for a couple more years then, they can sort it all out. “Yeah, I think that’s all worth clearing up. But don’t mistake any of that as me trying to back out of this.”

“Calum Thomas Hood, I am not scared you’re going to run away. Are you?”

“Jada Renee Miller, the thing I’m scared of is not marrying you. Because then I’d be a goddamn fool. I just--I’m scared you’re going to read my need for clear air as something else and that’s not what I want at all. I just, we’re always honest and I don’t want to start hiding anything now.”

“No going into a tizzy,” Jada states and takes the washcloth from his hand. 

“No going into a tizzy.” 

Jada runs water over the cloth and then wipes at his cheeks. They head back down stairs and it’s clear that everyone’s been anticipating it. But Jada tries her best not to steal looks at her sisters. They’ll grin and it’ll make her crack. “Ma, can you wash my hair after breakfast?”

“Jada, you are grown.”

“Please?”

It’s Roslyn trying not to look at Jada that lets Jada know just how much everyone is trying to keep it together. “Jada.” It’s firm, but the hint of laughter is clear. 

“Ma, I know.”

Roslyn whips around, tongs in hand. “What do you mean?”

“Call it my intuition or call it a conversation. But I know.”

“Oh, that’s no fun.”

“I think I’d rather spare the man any embarrassment if he were to ask at the wrong time. So will you please wash my hair today?”

“We are not just about to waltz past the fact that your boyfriend’s talking marriage!” Roslyn declares. “No, I won’t have it.”

Calum, who had previously stepped in to help grab the plates from the cabinets, looks up and smiles over Roslyn’s shoulder to Jada. Serenity reclaimed her duty with pancakes so Calum moved in to help in another way. “Yeah, we can’t waltz past that. So, first dance ideas? Waltz? Tango?”

“That requires you to actually move your hips and shoulders more in one degree, love,” Jada laughs. 

“I can dance contrary to all video proof.”

“Hmm, I’ll believe that when pigs fly or you dance,” Jada teases. “So, Ma, will you?”

Roslyn sighs. “Yeah, I’ll do it. But you have got to help clean dishes. And now tell me--what kind of dress? Mermaid? Aline?”

“Purple,” Jada laughs in returns, taking a plate from the stack on the dining room table and setting it onto a place mat. 

“Jada Renee!” Roslyn calls out, snapping the tongs at her. 

___________

Jada leans her head back, arms resting up on her mother’s legs as she sits on the floor. The tug of her mother’s fingers is enough to almost lug her to sleep. It used to hurt, but not much anymore. Calum, jogging down the steps, keys in hand, taps over his pockets. He has his phone and his wallet. Jada peaks open an eye. “Hat and glasses,” she calls out and Calum snaps his fingers before jogging back up the steps. 

“Thank you,” Calum says as he comes back down the stairs. 

“You’re welcome,” Jada hums.

He watches for a moment as Roslyn parts the hair, coats her fingers in something--it’s clear or maybe it’s got a lightest hue to it and it slicks down the flyaways, before she starts twisting the hair along the scalp. “I wanna learn how to do that.”

“I’ll teach ya,” Roslyn says, glancing up and fingers still deftly twisting strands. “It’s not hard.”

“Thanks.” He glances down to Jada and sees her eyes close. “I’d ask if she’s actually asleep.”

“I’m not,” Jada answers. Serenity and Tasha come down the stairs. It’s clear by the not so quiet debate about band color. Thankfully neither one of them mentions rose gold. 

“But she is not,” Calum laughs and kneels before kissing her cheek. “No rose gold,” he whispers and she grins. 

“Correct.”

Jada listens for the closing of the door and over it she hears some sort of combination of Serenity mentioning a princess cut diamond and Tasha shouting about making sure to get a matching band. “Whoa. Can we slow down? I need visuals. Keep it as simple as possible,” Calum returns. 

Jada can only laugh. “That’s my family.”

__________

Calum and Jada lay, dressed in their Christmas Eve pajamas, on the floor of her old bedroom. Beneath them they can hear the voices of her family. No doubt someone calling for more cookies and someone needing more milk for theirs. But they lay, listening to the noise beneath them. Calum wasn’t successful in his attempts to find a ring. Though he snapped a few pictures of some finalists, or least what Tasha told him to take pictures of. He was not one to dismiss her expertise. 

Jada looks at the duffel bag she brought with her. She knows what’s buried at the bottom of it. The box housing the band that her and Paul selected together. Once her hair was finalized, Paul asked her to come with him. And in the departure they stopped at a jeweler that Paul trusts. She anticipated it being harder, taking a much longer time. But when the man pulled out this box of bands and she spied the silver one in the back row, the inside of it carved to almost look like a braid, she knew it was the one. Platinum--she found out later. Expensive, but durable. Durability is something she wanted. Calum didn’t work a lot with his hands, but she rather have that base covered then on the unfortunate end of a damaged ring. 

Jada wanted the traditional gold, but all the jewellry Calum bought himself was silver. She wanted something that would stand out, but not too much so amongst what he already had. A subtle shine and simplicity but they would both know what it stood for. Maybe it was too the fact that the second Calum started sporting it, he’d be photographed. The platinum band would hopefully keep it all a bit more secretive until either one of them felt the need to say anything. 

It’s silly no doubt to hide it. But she liked the idea that she’d have it at least and keep it a mystery from Calum. Well, for however long she managed to keep it a secret. 

“How many kids?” Calum asks, turning his head to her. Jada’s twists are tucked up under a gold scarf and Calum wishes that he stayed, watched Roslyn part and twist. But next time maybe. 

“Three? Feels like my max. You?”

“Two--maybe. Always felt like a good number. My sister and I had each other to rely on. Also, keeps us from getting outnumbered as parents.”

“Two is a pretty good number. You thought more about Australia?”

“The band’s pretty local to LA right now. But I do miss home a little. I’d want my kids to know about it, visit. If we have kids, Mum’s going to want to come out to LA though for a little bit at least.”

“I love Joy.” It’s all Jada says but her exhale is slow. Just because they’re not moving right now doesn’t mean they won’t eventually. 

“What are you not telling me?”

“I’ve never lived that far from my family,” Jada exhales. “I’d be scared to move to a new country. I’d have you and your mum. But it’s a little scary.”

Calum turns to his stomach. “It’s scary for sure. But we can always revisit it. I don’t see us trying for kids immediately.”

“I’m getting older,” Jada returns softly. The confusion that crosses Calum’s face lets Jada know she has to come clean. Jada sits up fully, spinning on the carpet to face Calum. It’s not an easy thing to admit--mostly because she’d been trying to run from it as much as she could even though she’d been on two stints of birth control and was now in takes of pre-screening with her doctors. Jada picks at the underside of her nail before casting a glance back up to Calum. “Ovarian cancer runs in my family. I’ve started the screening process for it now that I’m older. But if they detect cancer, some treatments can affect fertility. And there’s options--like freezing eggs or adopting--but yeah. I’ve always kind of pictures myself carrying my own children and I don’t mind waiting. But it does worry me. I don’t know how much time I have really.”

Calum pushes up and reaches out for her hands. “I want to give you everything you want, Jada. But I think I need a couple years before kids. And I’m so sorry.”

It hurts--she knew the possibility was very real that Calum wasn’t ready. And she can’t fault him. He’s young and probably just the mere thought of kids is enough for him to wait. “There’s other options,” she whispers. And it’s to herself, to steel the tears. There are other options. There are other options. 

“I’m sorry, baby,” Calum whispers. He knew she was going more frequently to the OB/GYN. She’d told him previously it was just preventative care, but he didn’t know why. She’d played that close to the cuff. 

“I’m sorry. I-I should’ve said this sooner.”

“Look at me.” When Jada’s watery gaze looks up, he closes in, forehead resting on hers. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I so did not want to do this on Christmas Eve.”

“If not now, when?”

“Christmas Day,” Jada returns with a laugh, wiping at the fallen tears. “But who knows? I could be a miracle, yeah?” Her mother was a miracle. Maybe the fates and stars would all align for her too. Maybe--there was no guarantee though. Not in the slightest. 

“You could be,” Calum agrees. Because the chances are never zero, he reminds himself. They are never zero, even if they are low and he needs that hope. Jada still had a chance even if the number was low. And it’s all he has to offer--just the hope--and so they sit for a moment, knees to knees as Calum folds up in front of her. 

“Still want to marry a broken machine like me?”

“Jada, you’re not broken. You’re human. So no, I wouldn’t want to marry a broken machine. But I’d love to marry the human like you.”

Jada studies his face. The way his brows knit together, trying to stitch themselves into some sort of new shape near the center of his forehead. “Can I ask what you’re thinking?”

“That I don’t want to hear you call yourself broken. I don’t like hearing it. And I know it’s not really my voice that matters at the end of the day. I know that. But I still feel wrong hearing it.”

“My therapist returns to the office a week after the new year. I set up an appointment.”

Calum nods. Her doctor went on maternity leave for a few months and Jada had gone to a couple different other doctors also in the building, but nothing had clicked. It’d been rough at first, but she hit a stride where the good days kept going. He wonders if the coming back home and now their inevitable wedding was pushing at all the stress buttons again. “I’m glad to hear she’s coming back soon and that you set up an appointment.”

“I told her about you. She asked for an update when I see her next.”

“Well, you’ll have one hell of an update, then.”

“Speaking of therapists, updating insurance is going to be a bitch,” Jada hums, gently running her nails up the length of his forearms. 

“And your license,” Calum jokes. “And passport.”

“Do not remind me. God, why doesn’t the man have to change anything?”

“I mean, I could still professionally go by Calum Hood and change my last name.”

“Calum Miller does not sound as good as Hood. But you’d probably get to hide easier.”

Calum strokes his chin. “Don’t threaten me with a good time.” Jada laughs just as a knock sounds from the door. It’s been mostly open this entire time, but with most of the family downstairs, they’ve had some privacy. 

Roslyn pokes her head inside and spots them on the side of the room where the closed door can hide them. “What’s happening up here?”

“Boring stuff. Debating who’s changing their last name,” Jada states, pointedly looking at Calum. 

“We’ve made no decision yet though.”

Roslyn nods. “We are t-minus five minutes from starting The Polar Express. So I really hate to interrupt such a riveting conversation. But the train cannot leave the station until everyone’s aboard the train with their tickets.” 

She holds out two pieces of paper, and on it it’s clear someone’s colored them gold--paint maybe-- with random letters punched into them. Or that’s what Calum’s gathered as he takes the one handed to him. “Should I ask now or wait until the movie is over?” he jokes. 

“Wait for the movie,” Jada responds and stands first. “We’re right behind you, Ma.”

Calum stands and though Jada goes to move on, push open the door and continue on, Calum stops her. “You okay? That’s a lot that just went down.”

“I’m as okay as I can be right now, if I’m honest. I know kids are a lot to consider. I just dumped a whole thing on you. And expecting you to have the answer I wanted is unfair. Doesn’t make it hurt less, ya know? It’s just how the cookie crumbled. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel and have your own fears.”

“Just know I hear you, okay? I know you’re worried about waiting too long. Would it help to start looking at other possibilities? A backup plan to the backup plan.”

“Later like, after the holidays I think I can find the brain to talk about it. I don’t think I can handle too much right now.”

“After the holidays,” Calum agrees and follows her down the stairs to the living room. The couch is fully occupied by the time they descend. Roslyn, Destini, and Vicky have claimed spots. Paul unfortunately got the night shift for Christmas Eve, but it does get him home on Christmas Day, so they’ll take that win. Serenity and Tasha have built spots on the floor, along the couch for where they’ll be settled in and one more spot is open right at the end of the couch near the front door. 

“I’ll get us cookies and snacks,” Jada states and veers into the kitchen. Calum takes the hint and settles down in their spot, watching from afar as she collects everything. She makes it worth it. And she does, she’s always made it worth it. But it was like his mother had said, it wouldn’t always be easy. But it was a choice and he’d choose Jada a thousand times over if he needed too. 

Jada returns a bowl of popcorn and two plates of cookies. Tucked into her arm are various bottled drinks. “I almost cracked open the champagne, since we hadn’t touched it yet.”

“Save it for tomorrow. There’s cider in the fridge,” Roslyn offers. 

“I wonder where the wine went,” Jada teases, looking at the last of the red wine in her mother’s glass. 

With a large gulp, Roslyn grins. “I wouldn’t know. Not the slightest clue.”

“What a shame.” 

Calum helps Jada down, grabbing the bottled drinks and a plate so she can settle down in front of him. Vicky does a head count, each one of them sounding off as she touches their shoulder. “Alright, we start our departure, in three….two….one.” The movie buffers for a second and then starts to play. The light dim just a little in the house, and for a beat it’s really like Christmas. The matching PJ’s that Calum and Jada have. The house smells of vanilla and sugar from cookie baking. If it were to snow, Calum wouldn’t bat an eye--he’d call it a Christmas miracle.  

The speakers shaking just a little when the train finally arrives on screen. Calum, with his arms resting by his side, reaches out for Jada and she reclines into his chest. “Do the kids have tickets for the train?”

She grins up at him, feeding him a handful of popcorn. “Yep.”

“And is this guy punching the beginning letters into them for them?”

“Uh huh.”

“Let me guess who punched the letter into our tickets?”

“If you say someone with a V in their name, you’re correct,” Jada chuckles. 

“It’s all coming together. Vin Diesel. Fast and Furious Christmas edition.”

It takes all of Jada’s might not to laugh out loud and she can feel herself shaking as she attempts to stifle her laughter. After a minute, she settles and Calum’s giant smile greets her. “You’re not totally off base given one point in this movie.”

They watch the skidding of the train, the kids getting hot chocolate, sliding down Santa’s giant toy bag and when the bell is heard, the entire house erupts into cheers. It starts to come to an end as the children return to their homes and the screen freezes. Calum pauses for just a moment and then he notices people reaching up. When he glances up, Vicky hands out new golden tickets, more holes in them than their first ones. 

“No, no way,” he whispers to Jada. “Are those words?”

“You’ve never seen this movie?”

“I mean, I feel like I have in some respects. But clearly my memory is stating otherwise.”

“Just wait,” she smiles. “Thanks,” she directs to Vicky when she grabs her new ticket, the one with her full word for the year on it. She holds it a bit in the light to read Joyous punched into the sheet. 

Calum takes his and tries to read the others, but he can’t quite make it all out. Though he thinks Roslyn’s read Courageous. When he holds his up a little over Jada’s head, he catches the B that started his letter from the first ticket and follows the humps and lines down the page. His throat jumps when he puts all the letters together, Brother. He wasn’t worthy of that, not to Vicky or any of them, but when he looks back to Vicky on the couch, she smiles. “Brother?” he asks out loud. 

She nods. “Cheesy, I know. And technically breaks the rules. But,” she shrugs. “I think it’s pretty cool to have you in the family now. You’re cool. And I’ve never really had a brother before. I have some boy cousins but they annoy me. And you don’t annoy me so don’t worry about that.”

“I-I love it. Thank you, Vicky.”

She gives another nod. “You’re welcome, Calum.” The movie starts up again and Vicky shouts, “Ticket please!” in time with the movie as the rest of the girls hold up their tickets straight up in the air. 

He looks back to his. Brother--sure he was a brother to Mali and he was a brother to Luke, Michael, and Ashton. But he’d spent years with them--through the thick and the thin. He’d dedicated his life to them in ways that he didn’t think he could give to anyone else. And maybe he wasn’t a brother to Jada’s sisters in the same way he was a brother to the guys or to Mali just yet. But there was something. They trusted them and Calum loved them--loved all of this no matter how much he was still new to it.

And he thinks about that damn chocolate again--how not only had he’d fallen for Jada, but her family had made space for him. He was spreading into the webs and no one seemed to bat an eye at it. Soon, he’d be so much a fixture that Calum’s not sure he’d be able to recall the moments of unease, of still trying to find his footing, because he’d be so perfectly melded into everything.

It starts now, though, with a gold painted piece of construction paper that reads Brother and Calum wouldn’t want to imagine it any other way. So he rests his elbow on his bent knees to put his ticket up into the air. They come back down a few moments later and the movie slowly fades out as the voice over comes back not too long after. 

That movie ends and there’s a pause, people replenishing snacks and Calum can only start down at this newly-minted-but-also-not-new-label punched into paper. He’d tattoo it--if it weren’t Christmas Eve--the first marking of something that makes him more than just Jada’s boyfriend, or her fiance, but that makes him family in such a tangible way that he knows he wants to frame it. Carry it with him everywhere. 

I think I’m literally gonna cry, he texts into the group chat and then snaps a photo of the two tickets. Vicky made ‘em. 

The sisters’ have spoken. You’re officially not going anywhere, Ashton replies. That’s huge, dude! Calum did tell them about Tasha’s comment after the performance and he vaguely mentioned that he was looking at rings. But he hadn’t quite told them how permanent such action was going to be. 

It’s cute, Luke returns. Frame it?

Whoa, dude. Don’t freak, but I think they like you, Michael replies. 

If he said, he’s going to cry, he’s already freaking out, Luke interjects. 

I am not freaking out, Calum texts back. It’s sweet as hell though. 

A new text buzzes his phone and Calum taps on the banner as it appears. He notices it’s from Ashton, Do you have a ring yet?

Working on it. Serenity and Tasha and I went out a couple days ago to look. 

I started browsing at these. Let me know if they’re any good. The designer’s based in Vegas. So I wonder if you might be able to meet up after Christmas before you leave?

Calum clicks on the link and it opens up in his Instagram app. He waits for it to load. When the post burst to life fully loaded, a thin gold band with a small v shaped to it greets him and matching it as a rhombus shaped gray and white diamond stares back at him. And she needs it--or maybe he needs it. But all he knows is that, it’s the ring. He checks the size and when the number 8 stares back up at him, he almost shouts, almost hollers out his enthusiasm, but swallows it back down. Tapping the arrow, he shares the link with Serenity and Tasha in their group chat. I am DMing the designer right now. 

Once the text message is sent, he goes back to the designer’s Instagram page and asks if the ring is still available and if so, how could someone in town pick it up. He prays it is. And he knows he won’t get an answer until Monday at the earliest. With Jada and him leaving on Thursday, he’s hoping for a miracle in all honesty. He goes back through the posts, trying to see if the person made any statement about being closed during the holidays because he’d hate to disturb them and more than anything he’d hate to get so hung up on this ring and it not even be available anymore. 

Holy fucking smokes, I hope you can snag it, Serenity returns and when Calum looks up across the way to her, she’s fanning herself. Tasha slides out of the kitchen into his view, pointing at her phone. Her eyes are wide. 

His phone buzzes with a new message, If she doesn’t marry you, can I? Calum can’t hold back his laughter and covers his mouth to muffle the sound. He should be worried about the rest of the room worrying about what has him laughing and how he’s going to lie through this one. But all he can do is let his laughter consume. 

Another text shakes his phone, I don’t know why you’re laughing. That’s a serious offer. All it does is make him laugh harder.

______________

You’re lucky. Calum exhales on the thought. You’re lucky, the designer said in their message to Calum. They’d messaged him on Christmas that the ring was still available, seeing as they paused their website starting on the 20th of the month. But they just had a gut feeling to check their messages and his was right on top, like every angel existing in this plane was trying to give him a shot. You’re lucky. 

You’re lucky I’m a sucker when it comes to love. I’ll message you on Monday with a password to enter the website. For shipping, select pick up and DM with the order number. We’ll talk from there about meeting up! Enjoy your holidays! 

If Calum had been in any position to cry, he would’ve. And even though, Jada was already awake and getting ready to head downstairs, he did fucking cry. He cried more than he had even anticipated until he could feel the emotion shaking him. He would’ve cried more openly if he had been in any position to, is more accurate. But the relief that flooded him felt like a release, like finally things were starting to look up. Not that they were ever looking down, but he had a plan and he needed it to go off without a hitch at the very least. And it would’ve worked with or without a ring, but it mattered to Calum that he had the ring. 

Calum stares down at the screen of his phone. You’re lucky I’m a sucker when it comes to love. It’s burned into his retinas, every blink, every article of clothing that he looks at holds the message front and center. He was lucky to be a sucker in love. “Should I go blue or red?” Vicky asks, holding two shirts up. 

Calum smiles. “That is a tough call. How much blue do you have in your closet?”

“Not a lot. It’s Jada’s color,” she returns. 

“Jada’s color?”

“I don’t know--she wears it alot.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t wear it.”

“Okay, true,” Vicky reluctantly agrees. “But that doesn’t help the issue, which is what color do I choose?”

“Which color do you like the best?” Calum asks, slipping his phone into the pocket of his jacket. Both shirts are almost exactly the same. The red has gold lettering whereas the blue has silver. But they’re the same cut and style. 

“Blue.”

“Then I think you should get blue,” Calum states. He holds out his hand to add it to the pile Vicky’s been making. 

“But the red one is also pretty,” she huffs. 

“You said you like the blue one the best. You can have two of the same shirts, but only if you’re actually going to wear both.”

“Fine, fine, fine,” Vicky thrusts out the blue shirt to Calum and hangs the red one back onto the rack a couple feet from him. 

“Vicky, if I can’t see you, you can’t see me,” Jada’s voice cuts over the speakers still playing the last trickles of Christmas music. 

“With Calum!” she shouts back. Calum raises his hand to signal where he is. He ducked over in front of the dressing room to wait on Destini who wanted to try on some jeans she wanted first. Vicky was supposed to stay with Jada, but as he sees now, she’s drifted. 

“You were supposed to stay with your sister, you know,” Calum says. 

“I saw something I liked,” Vicky defends. 

Calum nods and when a hand lands on his shoulder, the telltale sign of Jada running her nails along his neck, he lowers his hands. “But it’s important that you stay close to her.”

“I know.” Vicky looks up. “Sorry, Jada. I saw something and just went for it.”

“Just as long as you’re safe,” she returns and then glances down into the hallway that leads to the dressing rooms. “Destini still in there?”

Calum nods. “Unless she’s somehow escaped into the vents and is halfway to another store by now.”

Jada chuckles slightly, giving one last scratch with her nails and then steps forward. Jada knows it shouldn’t take 15 minutes to try on some jeans. Not even she takes that long unless she has to completely undress due to her original outfit. But Destini only had some jeans on, a t-shirt, and sneakers. “Des, you doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” comes the return. Looking at the bottom of the stalls, Jada looks for the pink socks she saw Destini wearing before they left the house. And in the second to last stall, she can see someone sitting on the floor, knees most likely hugged to their chest. 

“Destini, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.” It sounds croaky and it’s everything Jada needs to hear to know that it’s far from nothing. 

Jada sighs, one hand poised to pull back the curtain but she stops. “It doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“The pants don’t fit.” Destini’s voice cracks as the sentence leaves her throat. 

“Can I come in?” Jada asks. There’s silence and Jada knows she should really wait for an answer to enter, make sure Destini is dressed, but she’s not always been a patient soul. “I’m giving you a minute to get decent and then I’m coming in.”

The curtain billows a little, a few seconds later, and Jada takes it as a sign to enter. Destini’s still curled up in the corner of the dressing room, the jeans she wanted hanger on the left. “So these jeans don’t fit?”

Destini shakes her head. Her cheeks and under eyes are swollen from the tears she shed. 

“Is this a brand you’ve bought from before?”

Destini gives a nod and Jada exhales before kneeling on the carpet across from her sister. “Can you tell me why you’re crying?”

“I’ve always been that size. Always. Now they don’t fit. More and more is just barely fitting in my closet. And I don’t know what to do.”

They weren’t one to just suddenly gain weight, genetically speaking. And Jada knows being at home is stressful in any right. So she doesn’t want to start there with home though it would be smart. Vicky hadn’t seemed to gain much weight--or at least nothing extremely noticeable or out of the ordinary given her age. Serenity and Tasha could mostly take care of themselves and were controlling their diet more than Vicky or Destini could. Or at least what Jada assumed. But she’ll ask just in case. “Has anything changed at home? Or school? More stress?”

Destini shakes her head. “Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Well, okay, is there anything that is out of the ordinary? Have you been on any new medications? Or did something happen at school, and it only has to be like once, but is there anything strange? Sometimes we just gain weight. But it’s not a bad thing, if it just happens. We can do stuff about it.”

“I st-started birth-birth control. The doctors said it would help with my periods. But I feel like I’m turning into a whale. I hate it. I thought it was just my pants at home. But God--I don’t want this!”

Jada opens her arms, switching her position so her butt in direct contact with the ground. There it is. “It can happen with birth control. It happened to me. Are you doing shots?”

Destini crawls into her sister’s arms but nods. “I-I wasn’t sure if I could do the pills.”

“Is it helping? With your periods?”

“A little. I started maybe three months ago with my first shot. Like two weeks and some change?”

Jada kisses the top of Destini’s head. “Weight gain is pretty common on the shots. But you’re not a whale, sweetheart. It’s just the shots. It’s okay. When do you go back to the doctor for your next one?”

“Next week.”

“Tell Ma about the weight gain and tell her that you want to try something else--see if you can call before the appointment in case they want to get you in earlier. The doctor’s probably going to fuss, but if you really, really don’t like this, then you can fight it. Tell them you want the pills and then you and I can put an alarm on your phone once you pick up your first pack and I’ll do my best to remind you. But you don’t have to keep doing this if you don’t like what it’s doing to your body.”

“I really hate it, sis. I hate it so fucking much.”

Jada runs her hands over Destini’s back. “Then don’t do it, love. Do not fucking do anything you hate, you hear me. Not a single thing. Did you stop track because of your periods?”

“I-I had to. I couldn’t make meets.”

“Hmm, I’m so sorry. I hope your doctor listens and you can get on the pills. I hope you can get back to track soon.”

Destini clings to Jada, face pressed so deeply into the sweatshirt that Jada can feel the contours of Destini’s nose and face along the bumps of her collarbones. But Jada doesn’t move. She hums, hand sliding up and down Destini’s back. 

“You’re never alone, Destini. Never,” Jada states after a few minutes of silence. “C’mon. Let’s get your shoes on. And we can go somewhere else. We can say fuck you to the jeans and to the shots and we can do literally anything else.”

“I really don’t want to shop for clothes anymore at least.”

“Okay, then we don’t have to. Hang with me and we can do whatever it is that you do want to do.”

Destini nods. Both girls stay on the floor as Destini gets her shoes back on, but when Jada does stand, she snatches the jean from the wall as Destini grabs her purse. Jada ushers her out, dropping the jeans over the rack in the fitting rooms for clothes discarded. “We’re going to sit outside while you two finish up,” Jada states and Calum merely nods. 

Calum and Vicky watch as the two girls leave the store. “What happened?” Vicky asks. 

“I have no clue. But let’s try to make this last walk around quick?” Calum asks, gathering the hangers Vicky’s accumulated. 

Vicky nods. “I just need to do one last look through my pile.”

Calum holds each item up individually for Vicky to look at it. She makes her final judgment, yes or return, rather quickly and with the yes’ finalized, the two make it to the register. Vicky goes to reach for her gift card Paul gave her for the store, but Calum stops her. “I got you.”

“But I have--”

“I know what you got. I was there. Save it. For another time. Your birthday or something.”

He gave each of the sister’s small things, with Jada’s guidance: a purse for Vicky that she’d been wanting to save up for and an entire book series for Destini. Tasha and Serenity were harder--Jada knew what they liked, but trying to make sure it felt appropriate from Calum was the hard part. When Tasha mentioned her older Keurig breaking, Jada swooped in and sent a link to Calum. He was quick to snag it up. Serenity seemed the most impossible. She played everything close to the cuff. But Jada knew about a few tattoos she’d been planning to get, very much against their mother’s wishes. However, Jada had sort of broken the seal on that with her whopping ten. There was very little resistance from Roslyn, though she always put up the fight. Once Jada finally managed to get the name of the shop, she texted Calum. He had gone to Vegas a couple months earlier to play a festival and snagged a gift certificate. 

But just because he’d done that, didn’t mean he couldn’t also do this. The three shirts and skirt total cost no more than fifty dollars. There was no way he was going to have Vicky use every dime of her giftcard on such a small collection. He takes the bag from the cashier with a smile and then reaches out for Vicky’s hand. “If you get another one for your birthday, you can come back and get a lot more stuff then,” he offers to Vicky. 

She grins. “I like the way you think, Calum. Excellent.”

Jada stands facing the store and Destini’s tucked into her side. The dressing room. The lack of Destini’s jeans. Calum doesn’t dare try to push it, but when he closes in with Vicky at his side, he softly asks, “Shoe store next?”

Jada looks at Destini. “If you find those platform boots, you want, I’ll pay for them and even help sneak them into the house.”

There’s a small tuft of laughter that Destini releases. “Yeah, shoe store next. And I think now that Serenity has money for tattoos, I think I’m getting the easier end of the deal.”

“I don’t think I have any legs to stand on,” Calum laughs. “For either having tattoos or encouraging them.”

“I want one!” Vicky adds on as the four of them start in the direction of the store. 

“When you get older,” Jada returns, one arm slung over Destini’s shoulder. Calum checks his watch, new thanks to Jada’s Christmas present, for the time and there’s still a little less than three hours left on the deal he made with Serenity and Tasha. But he knows he can’t go back on it, though he wonders if he can make an exception due to the ordeal with Destini. 

Vicky sticks close by, but Destini makes a beeline for the boots and Calum, gently as he can, tugs on Jada’s arm. “Is Destini okay?” he asks. 

“I hope she is soon. Jeans didn’t fit and she’s just having a bit of a rough time right now.”

Calum wants to say that they could’ve always gone up a size, but he doesn’t let that thought cross his lips. It’s probably not that simple of a problem. “Okay. Let me know how to divert if it comes up.”

“I will,” Jada smiles and kisses his cheek before crossing the store to Destini. 

“Okay, direct the way,” Calum states to Vicky. 

“Heels!” she cheers. 

“Are-are you even allowed?” he asks, following behind her. 

“I can look but I’d have to ask Ma before getting any of them.” She looks over the walls, pointing to the ones with the highest heel that Calum’s ever seen. He doubts it’s the highest ever, but his eyes definitely widen when he sees them.

“I just got your parents good graces, I am not immediately trying to lose them,” Calum laughs. 

The shoe store sucks away an hour and a half. By the time Calum can get Vicky away from the heels, looking at shoes more her speed, he notices that half an hour as gone by. And more time slips away too when Vicky demands that he also looks at shoes for himself. And Calum doesn’t even want new shoes. But he doesn’t dare refute her request. Calum asks which ones she likes for him and watches the determination cross her face. 

“You’re entrusting me with a lot,” Vicky finally speaks. 

“I have no doubt you’ll steer me wrong.”

When her first pick is a pair bright orange Nike’s, Calum does have one fear and it’s not being able to get out of buying new shoes for himself as Vicky’s insistence. But her smile cracks through soon and she puts the shoe back onto the display. “I’m kidding. Well, maybe only a little bit.”

“That’s what I was waiting on,” Calum laughs, following behind. Somehow he winds up holding onto a box of Vans that he knows he has no business holding onto. But he needs Vicky to get distracted by something before he can put it back. And when Vicky notices some sparkly flats, Calum slips the box back into their spot and follows behind her. 

“I love them,” she whispers. 

“How have you ever worn platforms this high ever?” Calum turns to the voice, noticing Destini standing high in some ankle high boots. 

Jada’s at her side and laughs before speaking, “Just think murder. You can walk and kill a man and that’s how you walk in them.”

“Yeah, I think I firmly believe in my feet staying as close to the ground as possible. Oh no.”

“Calum, we need to walk away before I’m unable to say no to myself,” Vicky states. 

“Okay, we are walking away, we are walking away. Let’s see if we can convince Destini to get those boots.” 

The attempts to find boots are unsuccessful, though Destini does snag a pair of cow print heels. Jada called them something more specific, but Calum only half heard as he tried to steer Vicky past the glitter flats that she saw earlier. “We’ll meet someday,” she whispers as they walk through and Calum wishes he could have captured the agony in her voice to do it justice in any future retellings. 

“One day,” he adds on, attempting to validate her feelings. 

The drive back to the house feels shorter than Calum remembers it being, but they still end up taking the full thirty minutes to get back. Just as Vicky steps through the door, she’s greeted with the smell of lemon. “Is that lemon cake I smell?”

“None until you eat dinner,” Roslyn hollers in return. 

Jada notices the good plates are out and stops just before ascending the stairs. She hands the bag to Destini, anyways so she can take the mules and hopefully no one’s the wiser. “What’s the good plates for?” Jada asks. 

“Just go get cleaned up,” is her mother’s return. But just behind her mother is a plate of pork chops, which are Jada’s favorite, and she only really knows it because of the smell permeating the house. Not that she’d ever tell anyone that was the dish she coveted more than anything. Jada steps down one step and starts for the kitchen. The closer she gets the more all her favorites fill out in front of her. She’s not sure why she didn’t anticipate this sooner. But somehow, maybe to all the wishing, she wanted to fade away. Be there, be a participant, but not be so central. Yet it was staring her in the face. 

“Who all this for, Ma?”

“Go get cleaned up.”

“Ma.”

“Jada.”

The two women give each other stern looks, both with lips pursed: silently telling the other to give in first. Neither one does for a moment. But Jada knows she can hold out longer than her mother. “It’s for you, Jada, alright? Now go get cleaned up. We’re almost done,” Roslyn sighs. 

“You don’t have to do this. All this effort,” Jada states. 

“For you, I absolutely do. And I’m happy too.” There’s a beat. Jada goes to protest, try to tell her mother she doesn’t need anything. But Roslyn beats her to the words. “I love you. Let people do stuff because they care, sweetheart. Now go, get cleaned up. Your pork chops are waiting and getting cold.”

“I know something else is getting cold--them greens you not stirring.” Jada and Roslyn share a quick tuft of laughter before Jada kisses Roslyn’s cheek. “Thank you.”

“Of course, lovebug. Be sure to tell Calum this new cast iron is getting a proper christening.”

Jada giggles. Only her mother. “I will reword the message but pass it along.”

________________

Calum settles back into the seat of his SUV. With Jada helping Roslyn with both Destini and Vicky’s hair, he manages to slip out of the house without any problems. “Let me see!” Serenity gushes. She agreed to come with Calum--as she roughly wears the same size ring as Jada and also because he feared not having someone else with him during this transaction. The ring itself was easy to get on one end of. When his phone chimed with an Instagram DM, he immediately opened it and found the password for the website. With zero hesitation, he ordered the ring and sent the appropriate information back to the designer. 

It was the actual meeting and physically holding the ring that Calum feared. So when he put in the thread with Serenity and Tasha that he’d paid for the ring, he hoped desperately one of them would volunteer to come along. He didn’t have to hope for too long because Serenity’s response was her eagerness to go with him. 

“You’ve seen it thirty times now,” he teases, but hands the box back to her. He watches the rock sparkle just as catches the sunlight. 

“And I can see it thirty one times if I want too.”

“You think she’s going to like it?” It’s only now that it’s real and in his possession that he worries about it not being right. What if Jada hated it? He hadn’t always had a great eye for her taste. He’d attempted to go shopping with and for her. She’s eclectic to say the least--sweatpants and a hoodie one day to flare jeans and docs the next. And it wasn’t necessarily a problem, as it was a hurdle. If he were throwing darts on a board to find a label for her style, he’d miss a thousand percent of the time. 

This is not a time he could miss. 

“Calum, she’s going to fucking love it. But if you’re going to do this tonight, then I need to raid her duffel bag the second we get home.”

“I feel insane. Two days from Christmas--still needing to figure out what to do with my parents and my friends. She wants kids and she has good reason for wanting them sooner but I’m fucking scared.” He shouldn’t divulge. But it’s a lot. He knows he knows he wants this but there’s a lot of variables. Maybe too many variables. 

Serenity nods. “You got anyone to talk to? Or do you really want my perspective?”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t unload.”

“No, you can unload. I just want to make sure we’re both clear on the boundaries.”

Pausing on his way to turn over the key, Calum reclines into the seat. “You’re a sister. That feels like crossing a line.”

“Just--just hear me out. Whatever you need to work out, you need to work out. Do you know how easy it is to get married in Vegas?”

“It can take less than a day.”

“Exactly. Less than a fucking day. Flip this dinner around. Make it a proposal. Come back in the new year. Whenever, dude. Either way you get to marry the girl of your dreams and it’s a healthy relationship. The fucking thing neither one of you needs is to rush into this too fast with shit y’all need to work out and not having a plan on how to work it out. No sense is that.”

After the holidays, I think I can have the brain for it. Maybe both of them need the brains for it.  Calum starts the SUV. “Text your mother. Change of plans. Proposal.”

“That also calls for an outfit change. I have to rethink my whole plan now.”

“Do what you must,” Calum laughs. 

As they pull out onto the street, Calum feels slightly disappointed. But he needs this to be done clear-headed, all their dirty laundry on the table. That’s the thing he needs from all of this. He loves Jada--there’s no doubting that. But he doesn’t want to make any mistakes in this or as few of them as possible. 

______________

Something bright reflects off the high noon sun and Calum glances just briefly to his right. Jada reclines back into the passenger side seat. Left hand adjusting the volume on the radio. The solitaire ring, with the rhombus shaped diamond, rests there, on her hand, catching the light of the day. Only three months have passed but the western coast hardly shows if any time has passed around them. It’s the same old road, same sun beaming brightly around them. The same four hour drive that they’re almost two hours into.

 “I already know this is the way to take to my parents’ so I don’t know why you’re trying to be all secretive. If we’re going to see my parents, you can just say that.”

The highway’s an endless stretch in front of them. Calum smiles at the thinly veiled frustration. Reaching out for her knee, Calum turns back to the asphalt. But he offers nothing else. It’s not even out of fear--he can’t really spoil this. His dress pants already hint at too much. But he wants to try to make this as much of a surprise as possible. “Are you hungry?” he asks as the song changes. “Our favorite gas station is coming up in a few.”

“I do want some more water, if that’s okay.”

“Nah, I’m going to dehydrate you on a four hour drive,” he laughs, but squeezes at her knee. “Yeah, we can stop over and get a few things.”

“Did you coordinate with Ma? You know I can get just about any information out of her,” Jada states. Calum wasn’t budging. He told her to wear something nice, to which she obliged with her green skater dress. But he hadn’t given much else. And not that Jada didn’t think it was going to be a bad thing, but the anticipation was slowly killing her. 

“You know the therapist said that it’s bad to hold secrets,” Jada tries again. 

“I think that’s a low blow play to get more information.”

The ‘I’ statement deflection--a classic move. And it always worked. It let her know that her attempts were noticed but that she’d still tried to get said information in an unfair way. “It was,” Jada returns. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Calum signals for this turn and takes it easy before pulling into a spot along the front of the store. “How about I give you a hint?”

Jada nods, turning in her seat. “I’m listening.”

“You’ll need your driver’s license.” It’s all he says before opening the door to the truck and slipping out. 

Jada stares at the space he once occupied and huffs. “I can need my license for fifty thousand different things.”

“I’ll give you another hint once we hit hour three of the drive,” Calum says from her side of the vehicle now. “And then you’ll get the last hint at hour four.”

It’s something--not nearly enough as something like a full reveal, but Jada decides maybe she should take it. “Okay,” she says, taking his hand and stepping down. Over the speakers of the gas station, a hypnotic beat plays. It’s clear the song is way too bass heavy for the speakers this place has, but the rattle continues on and the attendant at the register doesn’t seem too phased by it. They nod at Calum and Jada and then glance back to their phone before continuing the restock of the counter displays. 

Calum watches as Jada bounces down the aisle to the song towards the fridges lining the back of the store. Time slows again, hanging somewhere between him and the attendant because he thinks the only thing she’s missing is a bag of Takis and the debate on whether or not to get a honeybun as well. The shakes start back up in his hand. When he initially asked her to bring a few day’s worth of clothes and to dress nice, the day before their departure, he was nervous. He thought the tremors racking him would plague him forever. But this morning, he felt food. But now he’s two hours out from doing the thing that just three months ago seemed like it would take forever to get too. 

“No snacks?” Jada asks, shimmying just a little in the aisle as the song continues overhead. 

“Oh, I’m good.”

“You sure?”

Calum nods. “Anything else?”

She shakes her head. “Nope, I’m all set.”

The check out is fast and Calum’s wishes he’d said he wanted to look around. He wishes she’d wanted more time. But with the promise of two more hints looming, it makes sense that Jada wouldn’t take too much more time into the trip. So Calum climbs back into the driver seat. There was only so much stalling he could do. His phone shakes just as he buckles back into the seat. We’re about an hour and a half out from the address, it’s from Luke. Which meant either Ashtor or Michael was driving and given the circumstances, it was Ashton. Calum nods and drafts a quick reply before sending it. 

Jada hates not knowing. And if she ranks the things she hates, not knowing would be number one or number two. It was really a toss up between not knowing and having to hunt down the socks that Calum almost seemed to lose just one in the pair because he was never careful about making sure both socks made it into the laundry bin. And it’s a silly thing to hate but it’s happened so many times now, that Jada almost wanted to attach a net to the damn basket and keep all socks from falling into any potential crevices. 

Calum watches the clock, the minutes tick by faster than he’d like them too but he knows there’s a schedule that they’d need to follow as much as possible. Luke, Michael, and Ashton had a half hour start to get to Roslyn’s and Paul’s to drive with them to the court system and also help out should anyone need it. For the simplicity of this, it didn’t seem likely, but Calum wanted that half hour cushion in case anyone one did need the buffer. He had learned the wisdom in having and not needing something, especially time in pressing situations, against needing and not having it. 

When hour three ticks by, Calum exhales. He can feel the piercing gaze of Jada. “This thing is sometimes associated with a celebrity.”

The huff Jada gives is enough that Calum knows it’s vague enough to mean too many things. So his secret is safe for a little bit longer. “Calum, you absolutely suck at giving hints.”

“I think it’s pretty good all things considering.”

The suck of Jada’s teeth lets him know she is not amused. “Requires my driver’s license and is something associated with a celebrity,” she whispers. 

When she starts rapping her fingers over the dash in front of her, Calum fears she’s going to absentmindedly pop the glove box. She can’t do that--if she does that, everything’s ruined. And they’re so close to having anything ruined. But she draws her hand back rather quickly and shakes the fist at the ceiling of the truck. Calum exhales a little. Then she snaps her fingers. “Strip club!” And just as fast the idea hits her, she seems to rescind it. “Nah, I said I was going to show you around. You don’t know the places that I do.”

“You don’t know that I don’t know the places that you know.”

Jada laughs. “I do know that you don’t know the places that I know.”

“That’s a lot of knowing,” Calum returns, “from someone that absolutely doesn’t know if I don’t know the places that they know.”

“Well played sir, well played. But am I right?” And as the question leaves her lips, she can see the thought toying on Calum’s brain. If he should play nice or not. But he shakes his head to signal a no soon enough that Jada takes it as a real response. “Seriously? Not a strip club?”

“Not strip clubs. Though, we can add it to the list.”

“With the places that I know, I think we should.”

“Aye, we’re not doing that again,” Calum laughs. “I just barely kept up the first time.”

“Hmm, I’m going to figure this out, Hood.” Jada tosses out a few ideas before giving up and deciding to wait for the final hint. As they enter more deeply into the city, and away from the neighborhoods, Calum’s sure it’ll become obvious before he can give the last hint. But when he hears no gasp from Jada, or snap of her fingers, Calum turns to see Jada lulled into sleep. A saving grace, he figures, is her ability to fall asleep on car rides. And he’ll take it right now, he’ll take whatever he gets. 

He spies Michael’s car on the street and wonders if he was wrong about who drove. But when right behind it, he can spot Serenity and Roslyn, he knows that all his time is up. He finds a spot and undoes his belt. He’s gentle as he shakes Jada’s shoulder. She hums, “Why is the car stopped?”

“Because we made it. And you get your last hint.”

At the reminder of the hint, Jada cracks open her eyes. “Which is?”

“This is one of the final moments where we can debate on whether or not, we even care about last names.”

Jada completely sits up. Though he doesn’t think the sleep was ever too deep, she looks like an angry toddler almost due to the way the confusion scrunches up her face and the last bit of sleep still lingering about. “Last names.”

“Hint 3A, check the glovebox.”

Jada undoes her seatbelt, unsure of what in God’s name Calum’s been planning and when she turns to see a courthouse, she whips around in her seat. “Calum Thomas Hood.”

“Or potentially Calum Thomas Miller, but that’s still a debate.”

Jada cracks open the glovebox and the box with Calum’s wedding band stares back up at her. She’d eventually caved and told him about it. Something she suspected she’d do a lot sooner than she actually did, but only by a week. And they kept both boxes buried in the back of the underwear drawer. It was silly, considering they both knew they were there, and what they were for, but Jada didn’t want to hide her truth--that she knew no matter what they had to do-- be it month three of couple’s counseling of the six months they agreed to undergo, or even being open about own fears about fertility-- she was going to marry Calum. 

“This is not what I think it is,” she whispers. 

“If you want it today, then it absolutely can be. There’s no waiting period in Vegas--like you said. We get this license and we can be at the chapel in a couple hours. Where there may or may not be an Elvis Presely impersonator waiting with Can’t Help Falling In Love to serenade you. But the only condition is that you have to promise not to go off and marry them instead.”

Jada pulls down the passenger side mirror, fluffs out the braid out. Her light makeup stayed well enough even with her nap and she turns back to Calum. “No promises about Elvis,” she states with a wink. 

Calum laughs, one hand covering his mouth because of course--of course Jada would say that. “Those are chances I’m willing to take then.”

“Oh my god, Calum!” Jada starts, falling into the seat. 

He freezes, his door partially opened. The thudding of his heart echoes in his eardrums. “What? What happened?”

“I need my driver’s license for the marriage license and Elvis impersonators at the fucking chapel! Those are pretty damn clever hints, babe.”

The fear subsides just enough. “I’m glad you think so.”

Inside the building, time drags on. It’s an hour to get to an available clerk but once they do, the paper work isn’t terribly hard. Though Calum does have to make sure he has his mother’s maiden name correct before handing over the forms. It feels embarrassing to have to call her, but he knows it’s important--as few mistakes as possible. At the new name section, both Calum and Jada pause. Jada really doesn’t mind changing her last name--as much as she liked to joke that not doing it would make life easier, it would be one of the few things that always linked her to him. 

Jada places her pen down. “You know, being a Hood wouldn’t be such a bad idea,” she offers. 

“Why phrase it like that? Not such a bad idea? Trying to tell me something?” he teases. He sees the big note on the form that even if she does put down Hood, she’d still have to change it legally through whatever process L.A. has set. But maybe it’s just meant to be more symbolic than anything. 

Jada doesn’t say anything as she writes down her full name and adds Calum’s last name to the form. Maybe she is trying to tell him something. And maybe she’s not. Maybe it’s just pure desire to be his in as many ways as possible. But whatever it is, Jada continues on, writing in the mailing address and then reviewing all sections and pages of the form to make sure no errors are in the spelling of their names. 

She hands the clipboard back over to him. “Double check me.”

Calum reads over the basics--name, date of birth, social security numbers--and finds no errors. He flips another page over and stops again. “You know this doesn’t legally change your name.”

Jada nods. “I know.”

“Have I told you I loved you yet today?”

“This morning.”

“Shame on me for not saying it again since then. Because I do, I love you.”

“I love you.”

With license in hand, Calum and Jada hurry back down the steps of the building. And it’s only during the descent, when she spots what looks like Michael in the front seat of his Tesla. She lets Calum’s montemum take her down but once on the sidewalk, she follows the line of cars down and spots Serenity and then Paul in the driver's side of their cars. “Babe--why are like almost all of our families here?”

“You do need a witness,” Calum returns. “And there were a lot of plus one’s.” 

“But Joy and David?”

“Let’s just say the plan for a vow renewal and reception in about a year is non-negotiable at this point. I tried to get them out, but the timing was still a little rough. Some things couldn’t be missed on Mum’s end.”

“We’ll need something in the off season then, which feels incredibly hard to have an off season in Vegas.”

Calum nods, and tugs on her hand to keep her closer. “We’ll figure it out. I’m sure Mum will be happy to get out of Australia right on the cusp of winter.”

“Or, destination renewal in Australia?”

“My dear, that’s a hell of a flight. We can keep thinking about it, yeah? But chapel, Elvis, you possibly becoming my run-away bride?”

Jada steps in, patting his cheek. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Yeah, I think I should warn Elvis about you though.” 

Jada crosses the street as she laughs and stops at Michael’s door. “So which one of you is going to catch the bouquet today?”

“I’m betting on Luke,” Ashton calls from the back of the seat. “You rocking and rolling?”

“We have a license to marry, hot stuff. No worries. Thanks for being here, for Calum.”

“He’s our brother. We’d follow just about any crazy idea he had,” Michael returns. “Besides, it’s you, Jada. If he didn’t marry you, I think we all agreed collectively to kick his ass.”

Jada gives one last passing piece of gratitude before waving at her family in their cars. But she knows there’s no time like the present so she crosses the street again, finding Calum leaning up against the side of the truck. His arms are folded to his chest. “You look like you got somewhere to be,” she teases. 

“I might have a hot date at a chapel,” he grins. 

It’s not too long of a drive to the chapel and it’s only as Jada sees Destini and Vicky stepping out of the car that she worries if she was taking something away from them. But she knows it’s that nagging voice, the one that made her feel like she was supposed to be setting the example for her sisters. And hell, even if that voice never shut up, why couldn’t the example she set for them tell them that they do whatever it was that made them happy. Even if it wasn't traditional, it was their life to live and theirs alone. They should choose how they want to live it. 

Jada could choose how she wanted to live her life and she wants Calum. She wants it like this, in a green dress, and a chapel with an Elvis impersonator. And it’s messy, if she ever had it cleaner, it wouldn’t be Jada. The vows are traditional and she makes a mental note that when they renew, she wants new ones. And maybe every so often, she’d go back and tweak them. Because if she learned anything from her four year stint in individual counseling and now couple’s counseling, it was all about tweaking. You changed a little bit here and they changed a little bit there. And it wasn’t about monumental waves. They only need to be sustainable. 

Jada had to be able to sustain Calum and Calum had to be able to sustain Jada and it didn’t always happen in a massive wave. It happened like the lapping of the sea at the shoreline. It was steady and sure it changed here and there, but it eventually returned back to it’s normal. That’s what she needed and that’s what she feels like she has, a steady with Calum. Even though his job is demanding, he came back. Even though she irked his nerve, and he irked hers, they always had a certain level of steady that they could return to. Like tides on the shoreline--never gone completely, maybe a little changed at time, but always present. 

“I, Calum Hood, take you, Jada Miller, to be my wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.”

Like tides against the shoreline. Like the chocolate that melted into everything. 

“I, Jada Miller, take you, Calum Hood, to be my husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.”

Like tides against the shoreline. Like the chocolate that melted into everything. 

“With the power invested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

Calum takes a beat. Trying to study the glint in her eyes--not something sad, not something bad. A realization. And he knows that look. One he’s seen her give when she’s working, or reading and everything seems to click into place much like she expected it too. He knows then too--it is all clicking into place. 

Their kiss is short. Calum’s almost too scared that when he opens his eyes, everything around him is going to drift away. “I--Is this all real?” he asks against her lips. 

Jada laughs, hands going to cup his jaw. “Yeah, baby, it’s real.”

A clicking into place. His eyes are slow to open and she’s still standing there. The chapel’s alive with noise. He can catch the distinct whistle Ashton gives and the sobs of Roslyn. And it’s so fucking real--it almost hurts his cheeks with how hard he’s smiling. 

They descend the steps and just faintly over the noise, a voice starts to sing. And he couldn’t help this. She couldn’t help any of this. 

A clicking into place. 

The tides lapping at the shore. 

The chocolate that melts into everything. 

They’d eventually be powerless to it. Fighting fate would have exhausted them. Giving in at some point becomes life saving. 

__________________

The light on the door lights up green and the mechanisms click. He steps into the room first. The lights from the strip and city below cast a neon glow into the room. Calum steps aside after getting the lights on. His chest heaves just a little and given the smear of Jada’s lipstick, he knows his chin is also sporting a vaguely dark brown hue as well. The two of them are no strangers to the heavy petting in an elevator or sneaking touches. But the more Calum sees the band now resting beneath her engagement ring, the more he pictures the amount of unheavenly things he wants to do to her. 

“You do know the elevator is monitored,” Calum teases, stepping away from the door and it closes with a particular rough thud. 

Jada casts her gaze down to his left hand, sporting the dazzling platinum band she slipped on just a few hours ago. Her husband--and even though the phrase hadn’t actually crossed her lips verbally, the mere thought made her panties a little damp. “Do you think the front desk accepts apologies in the form of fruit baskets?”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”

For a moment, they almost circle each other. Calum steps in to get to the bed and slips out of the dress shoes and Jada watches the moment carefully from above. She moves to lean against the A/C unit, arms folded to her chest. “No,” Calum laughs, after dropping the second shoe to the floor.  

“I haven’t said anything,” Jada returns. 

“But I can read your mind. My knees aren’t built for how fucking thin and hard these floors are. So bring your cute ass to this bed.”

“I’m not the one that did the punk jumps for almost ten years.”

“You’re not. But I think if you want your husband to remain in good shape, you’ll spare him just this once.”

And there’s that phrase again. Jada clenches at the sound of it. “Say that again.” She pushes up off the unit and starts towards Calum. “Say it one more time for me, please,” she exhales breathlessly. 

“Hmm, I’m not sure which part,” he grins. He knows. He saw the way she nearly came in her underwear just as the phrase of ‘your husband’. But he wants to know what it does to her when she says it, when her lips curl around the letters. He wants to know what it does to him too. 

It’s a small uptick of her brow that Jada gives to indicate the thought before it’s spoken, “I think you know.”

“No, I don’t think I do know.”

Jada straddles Calum’s lap and his hands immediately slip up the skirt of her dress, resting just on the tops of her thighs. But she knows, by the way his fingers grip at her flesh--she knows he needs her to say just as badly as she wants him to say it. “When you called yourself my husband,” she starts whispering in his ear. “I think you should say it again.”

He loves the sound of the phrase from her lips. It sends a shiver down his spine and his body lights with a fire that he didn’t think could be lit. He squeezes down on the flesh of her thighs. “Oh, that phrase,” he exhales against her ear. 

“Yeah that one.”

Calum pulls back just a little. Her eyes are blown wide--and it’s almost impossible to tell iris from a pupil normally, but it’s even harder now. “Whatever my wife wants.”

She lets out a small hum of approval, as if somehow that also scratched the same itch, head falling back on her neck. And maybe it had. Tracing the line of throat with his nose, Calum grins into her skin. Jada guides his head back up and leans in to kiss him. The kiss is eager, but they move slow to savor every drop, every second of each other. Jada could just say here, with Calum holding onto her thighs and the press of his erection into her clothed sex and the smell of him intoxicating her. It’s all she needs. 

But when he nips at her lower lip and she whimpers, pressing down into his crotch, the deep growl Calum releases sends every nerve ending on fire. No, that’s what she needs, she thinks. She needs Calum just as gone as her. Jada kisses across his jaw and down his neck. She pauses to get a good grip on his shirt, fingers tucked inside and she yanks. The buttons pop, a few hitting the wall and TV with distinct plops, but most hit the floor soundlessly. Jada’s quick to kiss down his chest. 

“That was an expensive shirt, love,” he says with a laugh. It wasn’t that expensive, but still a pretty penny. He’s sure buttons can easily be sewn back onto them. So right now it’s not a full loss.  

“It was in my way,” Jada exhales into his skin. 

Calum’s hands, once on her thighs, but had since then gravitated to her ass, smooth around the contours of her body and find the lacy front of her underwear. He gets a solid grip, pulls them from her body to make sure he doesn’t hurt her and gives a yank too. The lace gives with a crackling echo. 

“Those were expensive,” Jada returns. 

“They were in my way.” His fingers find her clit and he circles, firstly gathering up the stickiness of her arousal and then pressing onto the nerves in steady circles. 

Jada hums at the feeling, the way her body warms, and rests her forehead on his shoulder. “Touché.” Her next thought is interrupted by a wave of pleasure. “Fuck,” she whispers. 

Calum removes his hand and gets a tighter grip before standing. They both go up and then Jada’s back down, pressed into the mattress, staring up at Calum. He throws the now ruined shirt off his shoulder and yanks the torn panties down too. He drapes her core with the skirt of the dress. “Let’s get one thing straight, love.”

Jada nods, her signal that she’s listening. 

“I want everything. I want every last orgasm your body can give to me. I want everything. Can you do that? Can you give your husband everything?”

“Everything?” Jada questions. 

She says it so fucking innocently, batting her lashes up at him. Calum bends down, cupping her bare sex under the dress. “Everything.” He slips one finger into her and her back arches, nails digging into the skin and muscle of his bicep. He slips a second one in just as easy as the first and he inhales every exhaled whine and moan Jada gives. “Everything,” he whispers over her lips.

His pace is relentless. Jada’s not sure if she’s seeing straight or if it’s really stars darting her vision, but she knows she’s going to unravel soon. Sheets curled into her fist, she arches up and presses down into Calum’s hand. Her orgam rocks her and she lets out a guttural groan at the release, the snap of the coil in her lower gut. 

“That’s one.”

Jada knows she’s in for a long night when her second and third orgasms crash over her just as Calum’s mouth. But she knows that everything really is everything when it comes to Calum. Clothes are finally fully discarded. And there’s nothing really like pressing chest to chest with Calum for Jada. Not when she’s fully seated on his length and his hands are exploring the dips and valleys of her body. 

Calum digs his heels into the mattress just a little and meets her descent with his own ascension. He can’t look away at the way their bodies meet and he wants to watch her come undone, watch the drop in her jaw and they hazy look in her eyes as she comes. It’s a glorious sight. One he never bored of, no matter how often they made love to each other. He can feel the pressure building, the way his muscles jump and tense as his orgasm rocks ever closer. 

He makes sure Jada orgasms first, adding his thumb to her clit and the spasms of her release tighten around him. “God,” he huffs. The release hits, the dam breaking and he blinks through the orgasm to try and keep his full attention on Jada. And she looks so fucking content atop him, smiling just a little as the back of her hands caress his cheek. 

“I really hope no one can hear us,” she whispers. 

Calum laughs, bringing her down for a kiss before responding, “I really hope everyone can hear us.” Using the position as leverage, he gets her onto her back and settles between her legs. A little bit of his release starts to leak out but he’s quick to use this thumb to press it up and back into her before traveling that digit up to her clit again. 

Her whole body shudders, locking up for a brief moment at the overstimulation. She’s fucked--more than just the actual action--she’s fucked because she’s going to give him everything and she knows tomorrow she’s going to want more. She knows the day after is going to bring more too and all she wants in that moment is to give into every carnal desire too. How is she going to leave any of this behind? And maybe she didn’t have to, she didn’t have to leave it all behind. 

There’s a moment reprieve from the thoughts, from the future, when her fifth orgasm starts to build. Calum’s sporadic work on her clit is just enough and she exhales. “Calum, shit.” Something about it tetters on pain, but right now there’s still a decent amount of pleasure. At every touch and lick, she jostles, writhing in the sheets. 

Lifting her head in the brief pause, she finds Calum smiling up at her. “You’re so fucking smug,” she huffs. “Of course.”

And in response, all she gets is another swirl at her clit that has her dropping her head and grunting again. There’s the ascension and then a plateau, and she thinks she’s hit her wall. That she’s got nothing else. But then Calum spares nothing, tongue and fingers working at every part of her. She falls over the edge, something leaving her throat--though she can’t be sure if it’s a scream or her own imagination of a scream. 

There are those stars again. Behind the tightly shut eyelids, she can see them bursting into bright silver and her body feels like it’s on fire and somehow filled with rocks. Calum’s voice sounds far away, but she can feel something cool and she knows he has to be close. Working to discern the rumble of the A/C from Calum’s voice, she starts to catch onto the words, “You’re okay. I’m here. You’re okay.”

“I think that’s everything,” Jada laughs and it sounds croaky. Maybe she had actually screamed. 

Lips press into her forehead and then are soon chasing down her eyelights and the bridge of her nose before one last kiss is placed onto her lips. “Thank you,” Calum whispers. 

Jada nods, hair bushing over the pillows and she thinks she recollects a bath. There were definitely snacks and water. Calum always makes sure of that after sex, no matter how tame or not too energy consuming it was. The thing that tops it all is his warmth. She looks for that the most. When he crawls into the bed next to her, after the clean up and hassle, she attaches herself to his side. He’s wordless as he readjusts positions and allows her to rest her head onto his chest. “Just listen to my breathing,” he encourages. “Follow my lead.”

And she does. The steady rhythm of his heart in his ribs is just the right lullaby to carry her into sleep. 

Tagging: @villainorigincal​ @5-secondsofcolor​

[nanachingu]

Drama Review: In Family We Trust (2018) (Thai Drama)

My first Thai drama review is coming from In Family We Trust (2018). First, let me tell you how I found this drama and decided to binge-watching it. I often see this title when I scroll Netflix but never trying to watch it till someone attach me. My whole reason to start this drama is Thanapob Lee or we can called him Tor. He’s one of the main actor in this drama and I love him in his next drama Hua Jai Sila (2019). I think his acting in that drama is really good, he’s perfect potraying his character so I want to find out his another project. To be honest, before this drama I already see him in several movie like Ghost Lab and May Who? and shockingly he’s cameo in the end of The Stranded (Netflix series) but I don’t have any idea that it’s him all this time. Really Hua Jai Sila make me open my eyes and make me found this worth-watching drama.

So here I am ready to review this family drama with a touch of mystery and plot twist story that you can find it in Netflix. When I see the title, I already familiar with that name like I think I see this a lot when I scroll Netflix and just need like 3 days to finish this!!! This is one of my favorite genre, I’m weak with family drama and really love with plot twist story. Because this is a family drama, of course there are so many character in this drama. They’re of course a big family, Jiraanan family. Grandpa or called A-goong and Grandma we called A-ma have 5 children (but we only see 4 children in this drama) and of course their children have their family too.

So in the beginning of the story, we’ll be seen that each of Jiranaan family are get along with each other well and prepared to celebrate their A-goong birthday. A-goong and A-ma eldest son is Prasoet, followed by another son called Mate, and they have a daughter called Phatson, and the youngest son is Konkan. I think they have another child that already passed away because we can see one grandson that live together with A-goong and A-ma. Of course their sons and daughter have child too, so the family become much bigger. Let’s see the family tree first so we didn’t confused.

From the left, the son is Prasoet (Songsit Rungnopakunsi) and right beside him are his wifes. The one in the right is Cris (Sopitnapa Chumpanee) and their son is Pete (JAYLERR). This is the family that he brought into Jiraanan family.

Little does his family know, he had another son with another women who claimed to be his girlfriend in college. His another wife is Nipha (Apasiri Nitiphon) and his son Chi (Ice Paris). From the picture below, we can see Prasoet really love his second family eventhough they’re not officially Jiraanan’s family. This drama will revolve around Prasoet so finally in the end all know that Prasoet has another family beside his family with Cris and Pete.

Next, is Mate( Saksit Tangthong) and his daughter Meimei (Sawanya Paisarnpayak). Mate always pick up Meimei at school. This is quite a little family, but Mate really love his daughter and vice versa. The only daughter left in Jiraanan family is Phatson (Kathaleeya McIntosh). Phatson married with a police and automatically her last name changed into Suriyapairoj. They have 4 sons, the eldest is Yi (Thanapob Lee), 2nd is Ern (Captain Chonlathorn), 3rd is Tao (Third Lapat) , and youngest is Toei (Jackie Jackrin) who in the same age with Meimei. To be honest I love this family the most. So lucky that Phatson has 4 son that love and protect her. Next, they didn’t introduce the parents but A-goong and A-ma has grandson that live together with them called Kuaitiao (Porsche). Last, youngest son is Konkan (Lift Supoj). If we can choose which one is the most chill family, we could say that Konkan family is very chill~ They have 2 son, Vegas (JamyJames) and Macao (Ryu Vachirawich). (The parents like casino very much🤣).

So enough with the introduction, and I will tell a little bit of the story before doing an overall review.

This suspense drama revolves around the Jiraanans, a wealthy Thai-Chinese family that operates its own hotels in Bangkok and Pattaya. The drama follows the members of the family, which seem to enjoy a strong and unbreakable bond. But things are not what they seem. One day, the eldest member from the second generation mysteriously turns up dead in the family estate. His nephew Yi, the oldest son of the victim’s sister and the prime suspect in the case, desperately tries to find out the truth. Source: MyDramaList

Before an incident happen in Jiraanan’s family, all of them just celebrate A-goong birthday together. It is so warm to see a big family gather together, it must be a happy day for A-goong and A-ma that they live till now to see their son and daughter with their little family and have a handsome and beautiful grandchilds. We also can see that the grandchilds really love their A-goong and A-ma. It’s like their family are in happiest moment. Even they took a family picture together.

But who knows, that it’ll be A-goong last birthday. A few days after they gather together, A-goong passed away. This is the real beginning of the story about dark secret that Jiraanan’s family have but no one knows anything about it even the family itself. After A-goong death, it just going worse because of the tradition and old generation believe about differences between son and daughter in the family and honestly A-goong make it worse with his last will that shocking all the family because only his daughter that didn’t accept anything related to their business eventhough she work hard build their family business from scratch. All she got only his father savings; money. Instead, the eldest grandson from eldest son got 1/4 share of the family business. All of it, ended up we’ll see Prasoet the eldest son lying still on the floor.

Yes, the eldest son of Jiraanan family was shot dead. He was found first by his sister Phatson who came over to his house talking about their father’s will and end up screaming when saw his brother was dead. Another family at that time in their house hear someone screaming and rush to get out to see Phatson panicked and said that Prasoet was shot in his home so they ran and as we can see in the picture A-ma, Kuaitiao, and Meimei saw that Prasoet lying still on the floor in his bedroom. After that this murder case became the talk of the town, get into the news, so police tried to find the motive why the murderer killed him. Honestly, this event create a most damage for Phatson family. As people know, Prasoet rarely confront someone and had enemy but the last thing he argue with someone, it’s Phatson. But I said in this drama, it’s not over till it’s over. We can’t be sure that the killer is his sister itself because as we go through this we could see that Prasoet had a few secret that we didn’t knew before and it could be a motive to someone done a murder. We just need to see it clearly and evaluate it carefully. I’m not gonna give a spoiler in this review, but I think you guys will guess it right like I am.

My first thought about this drama is I like how the story always give us a new plot twist in almost every near-end episode and make us wanna watch the next episode as soon as possible. This is one way to make us never bored by the story and they can wrap it successfully. Although honestly I can guess the biggest plot twist of this story but still it’s interesting because this drama get some details that we can’t get pass and that’s also give us some plot twist. You can’t guess it throughly, like you can guess this overall plot but still you’ll miss the little part of plot twist that make this story much better. Because it’s a story related to family, it’s really deep even when we already know the real murderer and all we need to see is just see the person in trial, in another drama we usually feel relieved and happy finally the killer is captured. But I think this drama makes me feel more sad and broken?? When we all see the truth, I think the circumstances are not getting better. The story really revolves only between Jiraanan family and the story behind it give us more pain than the murder itself. It’s not easy left by people who we loved especially it is a family, but it is more painful when we know that the one who doing it also our family. But I can say that all of this happens because of karma from their all bad action that happened in the past. When we know literally all the truth we finally realized why all of this happen to them, because every each of them are deserved it. But it’s all in the past, so eventually we must move on. In the end, life goes on. They’re still our family. We just need to let go of the past, and open a new chapter because only family is the place that we can lean on again. I can really feel it how every character in this drama just doing everything that they could to save their family. They’re not bad people, they’re just doing everything to protect their family. Lesson learned from this drama;

Family is the most important thing in our life because in the end it’s only family that we can go back into, and only family that will stay on our side and tried the best to support, protect, and defend if we get into problems. They’ll do anything. But without us knowing, the closest person that standing with us that can hurt us the most, is family too. But in the end, because the name of ‘family’ that will lead us back together and family is the only place that we can still lean on. Mistake happens all the time.

For each family, if I have to choose whose family I love and attached the most, I would say that I really like Phatson family. I can feel their warm family and all of their sons are really get along well. They always root for each other, trying to protect the only woman in the house, their mother Phatson, and the eldest son Yi will do anything to protect and support his family.

One of my favorite scene is when Tao the 3rd son is a celebrity and when he feel he can’t hold back anymore he burst out to his brothers because only them that can give him comfort and feel protected. It’s also my best scene when they give us this brother scene gather together in one room and talking about anything and end up sleeping together on the floor. I can see from that scene, how they think that family is everything and they’ll never let them down because they have each other.

For the character, I have a few character that I like and attached my attention:

My favorite character; I got 2 character that I love, but first the character that I love the most is (of course) Yi. Despite in this drama his character more leaning to the bold action, like doing anything in a rush, bluntly, and doing a few illegal action but I think he did his best for his family. I don’t understand why he must critized by society in the drama because of his action? I think what he did was right because he already doing everything right and ask everyone that connected but no one helping him instead they just block him away. We can see that he never intented to hurt anyone else too so I’m pro to Yi side. I love his scene with his youngest brother, Toei. If I’m Toei, I’ll cherish Yi all of my life till I die. Because when everything is too hard for him, only Yi that confidently always stand on his side. (okay enough it’s a little spoiler). From this drama, I think I know why Thanapob Lee finally got casted in Hua Jai Sila. I noticed him because his acting in that drama was really really good, I can feel all his emotions there. It turned out here we could see him potray Yi perfectly, and it’ll really help him to get his next drama. He’s not only smart and catch the little detail in his family, but his action is always on point eventhough not all of that is always a right thing. But sometimes to get what you want, you need to do a little more dramatic so the thing you want will show up.

My favorite character; The next character that I like is Pete. Unexpectedly, for sure. To be honest I don’t think that his personality is thaaat nice. It’s about his first impression. When I his first scene with his mother, my first impression of him is he’s a boy who like to spent their parents money for fun and study abroad so he can get away from his parents to have fun🤣🤣 in my opinion; he loves money. TURNS OUT I’m 100% wrong. Pete is the most responsible person in this drama. His responsibility and his fair judgement is the best. He didn’t judge people by his relationship, if he know that this person is wrong then it’s wrong. I love how his attitude to his father’s another family. I just thought he’ll upset and didn’t accept them, turns out he accept them, and he cares them just like his father would do if he’s alive. You deserve happiness, Pete!

Ice Pariss as Chi. He doesn’t have much screentime but still his character ini this drama really shocked me. Kinda same with Pete. Look the picture above. Both of them looks like they have a personality that have anger issue but actually not. I watched his drama and movie like Bad Genius The Series and Ghost Lab, and I didn’t like his character but I admit that his face suited the most for that kind of personality. Being a jerk, brave action without thinking, not a literally bad person but not really a good personality too. So I thought he’ll become a jerk too since his dad didn’t bring their family to Jiraanan family and only went to their house 1 time/week. So what did he expect? But he has good attitude even to his step brother, he’s really polite and when he know that his family didn’t get single penny from his father’s will he accept it. He didn’t get mad eventhough in the end of his dad ‘s life, his mother was the legal wife. HE ACCEPT IT WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Okay, respect Chi!

From Pete and Chi, I learned that Prasoet maybe not the best brother, best son, best husband, and best father. But he did really well raising both of his sons to the point that his sons really have a good attitude and personality. I adore their personality so much!

(This is one of the difference between this drama and another drama. It is usually the first son didn’t accept that father has another family and another son demand his part from father’s will and clashed BAM!)

My appreciate for Jackie Jackrin for his acting as Toei. I just know him from this drama ( I think) and he’s potraying Toei really good. I can’t tell too much since it’ll become a spoiler but he can pour his soul and heart so well in this drama. I can see how much he adore his brother Yi so much and wanna say that you did it, you made it to survive with your consistency. You didn’t loose yourself just to make you free when your mother told you to do something. I think Yi had a big part that made Toei become a better person and learn from his mistakes.

The most disappointing character of this drama is *give an applause to* Vegas!!! This is the opposite of Pete. I put a lot of hope for him in this drama that he’ll become one of the rightest people but turns out a big nope. At the very beginning he shows us that he’s honest, fair, doesn’t like act wrong and even brave to tell his father lies. He’s the right person. But as the drama continues, we reach a point that Vegas just an ordinary boy who still has heart. His love is bigger than his principle. The only thing that I hope will be released in this drama, turns out it’ll hidden forever till end because of him. It’s the only proof that clearly helping this case but he choose to hide it forever. Another lesson learned I took from Vegas;

Sometimes we just know that human is not perfect. A person who always doing the right thing, eventually will become a bad person if someone we really love and cherish got a problem. They can ruin their life principle as long they can save their loved one. And often happens that the loved ones is Family.

In this family drama we learned that culture and tradition are taking a big part in our family. When a son and a daughter have a big gap in it, when a daughter didn’t considered as part of family just because she married a man and took his last name. Like having a daughter didn’t as good as if having a son. But actually if I think about it, the one who give birth to is a woman????? Why then a son is more valuable descent. They also differentiate their grandson status into a primary grandchild (son and daughter of the son’s family) and secondary grandchild (son and daughter from daughter’s family). But still we couldn’t get rid of the culture and tradition entirely. We just need to adapt well to the good culture and sort the not-so-good culture better.

Overall, I’m really happy that I found this Thai drama. I watch several dramas from Thailand but never found this kind of genre. A family drama that really warms heart but with a touch of mystery and dark secrets in it. But not like another drama that compete for power and will doing everything evil things between family and make things chaos and ruin their relationship as a family because their greedy and selfish will. In this drama we’ll have a dark secret but it’s not always about money, and I still feel their deep kinship, how this problems solved legally but a touch of their kinship because of their dark past. They need to let it go and open the new chapter because life still goes on for the living one.

Since I really love this drama, I’ll give 4.5/5 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️✨. Thank you Tor for making me found this drama!

“Family is not always about getting along well everytime, but for sure Family is the place that we can always go back in the end no matter what happen.”

[harrysgloves]

Fine Line (chapter 2)

>>>Catch up with the Fine Line Masterlist!<<<

word count: 1.6k

story summary: Since you were kids you and Harry had always walked that fine line of friends or something more. Now, pregnant by someone else, you find yourself staying with your long time best friend after things go sour with your boyfriend of 3 years. Will you be something more? Or will you always be cursed to walk that fine line?

Singlemom!Reader x Harry Styles

warnings: Language // Political views? Idk reader is pro-choice if that bothers you this might not be the fic for you.

a/n: If anyone has any line dividers they’re be chill with my using hit me up. In desperate need and not wanting to make my own. Anyways, please give feed back and reblog! I’M AN ATTENTION WHORE AND LOVE YOU’RE INTERACTION. K that’s all. Love you all.

>>><<<

It didn't take you more than a few minutes to finally fall asleep. Your heavy eyes closing almost the second your head hit the unbelievably soft pillow and your fingers snapped off the lamp beside the bed that was snapped like a bunny. Your arms curling around it as you cuddled into your new bed, or at least your new bed for a few days.

You knew you couldn't stay with Harry. Sure, the guy had always been there for you, and yeah, you two were still close after all this time. But he had his own life and you had yours.

Yours was currently in shambles and needed to be fixed asap but that was going to have to wait until morning. Right now, your body and your baby needed you to sleep.

"Good morning my wonderful, beautiful, amazing friend!"

The voice behind you made you groan, your face buried deep into the pillow, silently begging for just five more minutes of sleep even though you had slept at least 16 hours. You still wanted five more minutes of being able to ignore the shit show that was now your life.

"Oh no! You don't get to send me a picture of a pregnancy test then have my brother call me in the middle of the night to tell me you were at his and not wake up!" She said as she ripped the blanket off you. Your eyes glaring into hers about to tell her off when that lurching feeling in your stomach made your skin grow cold.

Oh no.

You rushed out of bed, darting to the bathroom that was connected to your guest room.

You were on the floor with your head in the toilet bowl throwing up stomach bile like the time Gem, Abs, and you went to Vegas for your 21st birthday.

"Holy fuck, you are pregnant!" She cheered from behind you, your middle finger instantly up in the air as your head hung in the very clean and shiny toilet bowl.

Whoever cleaned Harry's house deserved a raise.

"Oh my gosh, this is so exciting! Think of all the cute clothes we get to buy!" You hear the excitement in her voice, her feet prancing across the tile floor almost like she was dancing when the doorbell rang.

"Oh! That's Abs!" She cheered, a little yay following it as she darted out the room.

"Why are you guys here?" You mumbled into the toilet bowl your words seemed to echo around you.

"Y'alright?" Harry asked from the doorway to the bathroom which had somehow turned into a morning gathering spot.

"Peachy." You said with your head still in the toilet, your stomach swirling with nausea still.

"Got yeh some water." He said as he walked up behind you, a glass of water in hand as he leaned down to your level.

"Thanks, Haz." You took the glass sipping on the water as you flushed the toilet.

Your head felt light and airy as you moved back to rest your back against the bathroom vanity. Continuing to sip on the glass of water as you waited to see if you needed to throw up again or not.

"Gonna ever stop callin me that?" He asked with a smile. Your own forming across your lips as you stared up at him. Those grey sweatpants hanging low on his hips as he leaned against the door frame.

"Nope. Always be my little Hazza." You said as he shook his head at you. His hair shaking back and forth as he let out a breath that you swore was almost a laugh.

He'd always be your best friend's little brother and your life long confidant. No matter how famous he got or how old you turned.

"Why are they here?" You asked, your head resting against the wooden surface of the vanity.

"Y'know how Gemma is and Abby's just as bad." A small sad smile on the corner of his lips, those green eyes gleaming with pitty for you.

"I know." You sighed as you chewed on the inside of your cheek.

Your problems had suddenly become everyone's problems and you knew they did it because they cared about you but you couldn't help that tug of guilt for dragging everyone into your mess.

"Y'not alone in this." He said once he noticed the sorrow written in bold letter across your face.

"Thanks, H." You smiled softly at him, nodding your head. Both of you not know what else to say in this moment.

"Okay, okay, get out." Gemma said as she pushed Harry out of the bathroom doorway, Abby trailing closely behind her.

"'S my house and she's my friend too." He grumbled as he backed away from his older sister that was now glaring at him.

"Yeah, well, she's my best friend." Her finger poking his chest as he rolled his eyes at her.

You smiled softly to yourself, lips rolling into your mouth to suppress your giggle. Some things never changed.

"Jesus, I'm going to call Anne if you two start fighting over her again." Abby said as she walked through the two of them and made her way to you.

"Hey babes, you alright?" She asked as she sat down, your head instantly going to lay on her shoulder.

"Mhm." You hummed but it was pointless the tears were already flowing from your eyes again, soaking your cheeks, falling onto the PJs Harry had given you.

"Oh God, Y/N, don't cry." Gemma said as she shot Harry the 'get out of here glance' he knew so well from his childhood.

"What am I going to do?" You cried, holding Gemma's hand when she sat down beside you. Her head laying on your shoulder as yours stayed firmly on Abby's.

"We'll figure it out, yeah?" She cooed, her soft fingers rubbing against the back of your hand.

"Yeah, you know it's us, the fantastic three, we'll figure anything out. Even this." Abby said as her hand ran overtop of your hair.

"You guys, he… he-" You choked out but you couldn't even finish the sentence. Your eyes closed tight as the stream of tears flowed harder.

"It's okay, Harry told us. You don't have to say it." Gemma said as she leaned up from you, her hands wiping away your tears.

"How could he want me to do that?" You asked, honestly you needed answers.

How could he want you to get an abortion? How could he want you to go through that when you never once mentioned not wanting a family.

Sure, you might have also never mentioned wanting one but you always thought you'd have one at some point in your life.

"You're very pro-choice, maybe he just assumed that meant you didn't want kids?" Abby pondered from beside you. Your lips pursing as you thought about it, maybe that was it.

"He's a fucking tosser if he thought that."

"Yeah, I mean, I'm pro-women having a right over their own bodies, whatever they choose, you know?" You explained.

You were very much pro-choice. You even marched with the movement and spoken out about it many times when asked but that didn't mean that's what you wanted. You wanted a kid but others might not and in the end that was their choice to make.

"I know babes, think he's just a bit stupid."

"He's a fucking moron."

You laughed nodding your agreement. He obviously wasn't the smartest guy on the planet if he gave you an ultimatum and then was shocked at your choice.

"We can raise this baby ourselves." Gemma piped up from beside you, long after the conversation died down.

"You guys got jobs in the states." You said as your heart sank, eyes brimming with tears as the realization started to set in how alone in this world you really were.

You were really going to be in this all alone. Your dad passed away years ago, shortly after your 19th birthday, and your mother was sick. You were an only child. No brothers or sisters to rely on. No aunts or uncles. Your grandparents passed long before you were born.

It was just you and the people who had been your friends from the neighborhood you all had left years ago. If you didn't have them you wouldn't have anyone.

Not even Jesse anymore.

"We'll move back."

"Yeah!"

"Abs, you're getting married next year and Gem your magazine editor just promoted you. You guys can't come back to England." You argued with both of them. You would have loved for them to move back but it wasn't in the cards. They both had a life of their own and now you had a world of responsibility about to be dropped on your lap.

"But, you need us." Abby said from beside you. You didn't have to look over at her to know she had started crying herself. She was definitely the emotional friend out of the three of you.

"Gotta grow up eventually. We're not 7 anymore." You said with a sigh, trying your best to wipe away all the tears.

"Fucking sucks."

"Miss the times when our biggest problem in life was who liked Nick Carter more." Gemma said with a smile as you nodded your agreement. A goofy laugh coming from Abby as she rested back against the vanity.

"We'll always love you." Abby said from beside you.

"I love you guys too." You said your hands taking both of theirs.

"We love you too baby." Gemma said as she laid her hand on your stomach making you smile.

This baby might not have a dad but it had some pretty amazing aunts.

[myheartrevealedocs]

Untouchable Ch 28: Memoriam (S4E7)

Warnings: mentions of murder and sexual assault to children, discussion of nightmares

Ch 27 | Ch 29

~ ~ ~

“I had another nightmare,” was the first thing Spencer said when Lydia answered his call the next morning.

They’d had a discussion the night before about what was going on. As Spencer had put it, ‘it didn’t seem like that much of a deal until it affected his work’. Lydia was one to talk about not communicating, so she listened quietly and told him they could try to sort it out more when he got back. He told her he was staying with his mom for that night, which was honestly nice for her to hear. Lydia understood Spencer’s mixed feelings about visiting his mother, so she was glad he was going to get some time that was peaceful.

But now, he was calling her at 5 AM Vegas time, likely from his mom’s room in the hospital. Whatever was going on could not be put off until he got back. “What happened?”

“Same basement, same washer, same shoes and pants, everything. But there was someone standing over the body this time.”

“And did you recognize them?”

There was hesitance on the line. Fear felt like it was a string between their cellphones.

“Yeah, I… Lydia, I think my dad killed Riley Jenkins.”

Fuck. “Spencer, are you…” She cut herself off. Of course he wasn’t sure. But he wouldn’t have told her if he wasn’t fairly suspicious too. “What makes you think so?”

“He was standing over Riley’s body! Something happened to make my mind show me this. My subconscious is trying to tell me something!”

“Okay… That’s okay. How do we fix this?”

“I need to stay in Las Vegas. I just… I have to figure this out.”

“I’ll grab the next flight out,” Lydia replied, matter-of-factly.

“Lydia, you have class-”

“You haven’t spoken to your father in 17 years and you’re going to accuse him of sexually assaulting and stabbing a child? No, sir. Not alone you won’t. My classes will deal. They always do.”

“What if I don’t figure this out? I can’t call you away for some pointless endeavor-”

“Spencer, stop. I’m coming. This is just like any other case. We can’t guarantee we’ll solve it. But isn’t the potential of bringing a murderer to justice worth it?”

“I… Are you sure?”

“I’ll be there soon, love.”

“...thank you.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia rushed through the airport and hopped into a cab, heading straight for the hotel. She was crazy worried about Reid. There was no way to process the idea of someone you love being a murderer. She hoped it wasn’t true, but she didn’t know what would be easier for Spencer to accept. He tried to play it off, but Lydia knew he harbored an anger for the man. It could cloud his judgement.

She gave the hotel room door a solid knock, hoping Spencer would be back from the police department by now to let her in. He had warned her he was going to pick up as much information on the Riley Jenkins case that morning and meet her at his room.

“Hey,” he breathed, upon seeing her face on the other side of the door.

“Hey. Where do we start?” she began stepping inside with him and stopping short to see other people inside. “Rossi, Morgan. I thought you two would be on your way back to DC by now?”

“We didn’t want pretty boy to have to deal with this alone. But it looks like he was already on top of that.”

She gave Morgan a wide smile. “This isn’t exactly my forte. I’m mostly emotional support, so any help Spence can get would be great.”

“You aren’t just emotional support,” Spencer said, already opening the manilla folders he’d collected from the station. “I have a very important job for you.”

“Which is?”

“Interviewing the suspect, of course.”

~ ~ ~

“Riley was six at the time. His father, Lou Jenkins, was supposed to pick him up from T-Ball practice at four. But he got delayed at work, prompting Riley to walk three blocks home. When his mother got home in the early evening, she found him dead in the basement.”

“This sounds like the opening to a word problem,” Lydia muttered, just low enough that Spencer couldn’t hear it.

“So, the offender came to the house after the boy arrived home,” Rossi said.

“Or picked him up on the way there.”

“Coaxes Riley into the basement,” Morgan continued, “when he sexually assaults him.”

“The boy's mouth was taped shut,” Rossi added.

“Symbolic. The unsub fears Riley will talk, panics, weighs his options…”

“Decides to make certain he’ll never talk,” Morgan finished.

Spencer nodded.

Riley had been stabbed 9 times according to the file Lydia had in front of her. The knife belonged to the family’s fishing gear, which was conveniently in the basement.

“So,” Spencer began again, “the unsub’s a white male in his late 20s to early 30s.”

“Means we’re looking for a man in his 50s.”

Morgan confirmed their speculations. “He likely knew the boy. Maybe been to his house.”

“Neighbor,” Rossi suggested.

Lydia had been quiet this whole time. Profiling wasn’t something you picked up just by watching. The theory behind it was complex. But Spencer, at least… Spencer, she knew.

“Spence, what is it?”

His eyebrows were knit together with concentration, flipping between two pages in his hands. Rossi and Morgan looked up from their own files and noticed how stressed he looked.

“My family lived less than a half mile from the Jenkins’,” he admitted.

“You think your dad knew the boy?”

Spencer glanced at Rossi, then began rubbing his temples in thought. “I don’t know. My memory’s lack of recall just reinforces how little I knew about him.”

“Reid, I don’t need to tell you that this signature was need-based and sexual in nature. The man we’re looking for is a pedophile.” With those words, the older man leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “So, I’ll ask you again. Are you sure you want to go down this road?”

Ignorance is bliss, as the saying goes. Learning your father was a pedophile might unlock some memories that Spencer’s subconscious was trying desperately to hide from him. Most people wouldn’t want to remember that.

But Spencer was Spencer. Lydia couldn’t be one to fault him for that. She’d be desperate to know the same. But then again, she was well aware that she wasn’t the gold standard for self care. So his determination, while not shocking, was disappointing.

…also a part of her was just praying that she wouldn’t have to come head to head with Spencer’s dad.

~ ~ ~

“What did you get, Morgan?” Rossi asked as he picked up the phone. He and Lydia were on their way back from the police station after thoroughly questioning the lead detective on the case. Sadly, they didn’t get much. He was basically recounting what they’d read in the case file.

Morgan, on the other hand, had gone with Spencer to visit his mom and Riley Jenkins’s father. “William Reid works at a law firm in Summerlin. Meet us there.”

“We’re ready to confront him?” Lydia said from the driver’s seat.

“Riley was on the Little League team that William coached. So far, he fits the profile.”

“What did Mr. Jenkins say?”

“He doesn’t think it was him.”

“Thanks, Morgan,” Rossi finished.

As they pulled up to their next red light, Lydia dropped her head onto the steering wheel.

“You seem excited… Green light.”

She sent Rossi a glare and kept driving. “I know how this looks for him. He’s far too emotionally invested. But Spence is brilliant. I don’t doubt that something happened. But then again, if he’s wrong, his father’s first impression of me will be me accusing him of being a pedophile.”

“Do you honestly care what William Reid thinks of you?”

She considered it for a moment. “No… I don’t think so. But what’s ‘too far’ in a situation like this?”

“I think the best you can do for Reid today is be on his side and keep him grounded. He might find out a lot about himself that he doesn’t want to know.”

Lydia nodded, pulling onto the 95. “I’ll always be on his side.”

~ ~ ~

“Can I help you?” the receptionist on Mr. Reid’s floor asked as the four of them entered the office.

“Yeah…” Spencer began, but immediately the rest of his response died in his throat.

It scared Lydia to watch him. His tongue darted around his bottom lip and his eyes dropped to the carpet, trying to find the words. There was no way he was ready to have a civil conversation with his father. Lydia reached down and grabbed his hand to reassure him, but it didn’t look like he felt it, his mouth still open to express his silence.

Rossi took over for him. “We’d like to speak with William Reid.”

“Is he expecting you?” The woman took a moment to tear her eyes from Spence’s unsure face.

Rossi flashed his badge at her. “I don’t think so.”

“He’s in a meeting right now. Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll tell him you’re here.”

Rossi nodded and she walked off, leaving the four of them in a line in front of the main desk.

“You okay?” Morgan asked quietly.

Spencer looked at him with wide eyes and Lydia could hear his uneven breaths. “Yeah… No-- Yeah-- I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

His hand fell out of hers as he scurried down one of the hallways and out of sight.

“Well, shit,” Lydia mumbled.

“I’ve never seen him like this before,” Morgan admitted.

Rossi shrugged. “Seventeen years is a long time to go between visits.”

“Not long enough. The kid’s still angry.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to get that.”

“Are you going to be able to run point on this?” Morgan turned on Lydia.

“One of us has got to be level-headed,” she said, not turning away from where Spencer disappeared. “I think I can manage it for a day.”

“You from the FBI?” a new voice said, catching all of their attention.

William Reid was a gangly man, like his son, with a pointed nose. Lydia opened her mouth first, wanting to assert control as soon as possible. “Yes, sir. Mr. Reid, I’m Lydia Ambers and these are agents Rossi and Morgan.”

Rossi showed off his badge again, being the only person to have it on hand.

“This wouldn’t be about the city council investigation, would it?” he joked.

“No, this is a personal matter, sir,” she replied, not letting herself hesitate for a minute. “It concerns your son.”

“My son?” His face faltered. “Did something happen?”

“That’s what we’re trying to figure out.” Spencer sounded winded as he rounded the corner and joined them once again. Lydia stared him down, trying to silently ask if he was okay, but his eyes never left his father. “Hello, dad.”

~ ~ ~

William pulled them into his office to have a private discussion. Lydia immediately took the seat opposite him. As she suspected, Spencer didn’t want to sit, so Rossi sat beside her and Morgan hovered behind them.

“You don’t look like me anymore,” William started, looking at his son to his left. “You used to. Everybody said so.”

“They say some people look like their dogs, too. It’s attributed to prolonged mutual exposure. Elderly couples, also. They unconsciously mimic the expressions of people they’ve been around their whole life. So it kind of-- kind of makes sense that I wouldn’t really look like you. I haven’t seen you in twenty years.”

That shut him up. Clearly he felt guilty for ignoring his son for the majority of his life.

...but not guilty enough to fix it.

“Mr. Reid, we’re currently investigating a case we believe you were involved in many years ago. Do you remember a kid by the name of Riley Jenkins?”

The man looked between his son and Lydia. “Of course.”

“I’ve been having dreams about him for a really long time,” Spencer explained. “But recently, the dream changed. I saw his killer and he was you.”

William raised an eyebrow, then calmly said, “Interesting dream.”

“You don’t seem all that surprised,” Morgan noted.

“I stopped being surprised by Spencer’s mind a long time ago.” He tried once more to keep the air light, but Lydia could see the nervousness in his features. At least, he knew where this was going.

“Mr. Reid, you are now on the suspect list for the death of Riley Jenkins.”

“I’m sorry?” he demanded.

“After Spencer looked into his dream, he got the perspective of some uninvolved parties, who agree that you fit parts of the suspect’s profile. It is, as you know, our job to investigate all reasonable theories.”

“You’re not actually saying you think I killed Riley Jenkins?”

“We didn’t say that,” Spencer responded.

“Good, ‘cause that’s absurd.”

“We’d just like permission to look through your computer,” Morgan continued. “Access your records.”

“And what would you be looking for exactly?” Lydia waited for one of her coworkers to answer, but none of them did. “You want access to my files?” His eyes locked onto Spencer’s. “Get a warrant.”

~ ~ ~

“We can’t get a warrant,” Spencer told Garcia as he and Lydia walked back to his hotel room. “We have to go under the radar on this one.”

“You want me to hack your father’s network?” Lydia could hear Garcia say over the line. “You sure about this?”

“I really would wish people would stop asking me that.”

He shut his phone quickly and Lydia was about to say something about the others being concerned for him when he opened the door and they both saw a small, flat package in the doorway.

“‘You’re looking at the wrong guy,’” Spencer read off the front of the folder.

Inside was a file on a man named Gary Brendan Michaels.

“I’ll tell Morgan and Rossi to meet us in the lobby again,” Lydia told him.

~ ~ ~

“Was the envelope dropped off at the front desk first?” Rossi asked as he and Morgan surveyed the mugshots in front of them.

“Nope, it went straight to my room.”

“So they knew what room you were in.”

“I do have to admit, the timing of this is a little suspicious,” Derek stated.

“Yeah. An hour after I see my father, we’re handed another suspect?”

“You think you knew this guy?”

Spencer had told her that he could have sworn this man had played chess with him as a child, but he seemed hesitant to admit it to Rossi. “I don’t know. I-I think so, but I’m not sure. I- No- I don’t know.”

“Exposed himself to a minor. That’s a precursor to molestation.”

“And murder,” Morgan agreed. “We should take a closer look at this guy.”

Seconds later, Derek’s phone went off and he reached down and put it on speaker.

“Yeah, talk to me, baby girl.”

“I’m not interrupting boy time at Crazy Horse Too, am I?”

“I’m right here, Garcia,” Lydia announced.

“Sweetheart! No one told me you were headed to Vegas.”

“Well, it wasn’t for the strip clubs, I can tell you that.”

Lydia could hear the smile in Garcia’s voice as she moved on. “Reid, we’ve been all up in your father’s business.”

“What did you find?” he asked, softly. Lydia would have reached out to hold his hand again, but he instinctively crossed his arms.

“Well, let me tell you first what I did not find. No kiddie porn, no memberships to illicit websites, no dubious emails, no chat room history.”

“What about his finances?”

The voice that answered belonged to Hotch. “We went back ten years. No questionable transactions that we can find.”

“Well,” Prentiss interrupted, “he did buy a ticket to see Celine Dion six months ago, but I think we could overlook that.”

“How many people can you fit into your batcave, Garcia?” Lydia joked.

“Just the two, Sugar.”

“He’s smart,” Spencer said, pulling them back on track. “Is it possible he kept things under the table?”

“Well, of course,” Hotch argued. “But from what we can tell, Reid, he doesn’t fit the profile.”

“We can tell you other things about him, if you wanna know.”

Spencer nodded, before realizing Emily couldn’t see him. “I’m listening,” he swallowed.

“He’s a workaholic, he actually logs more hours than we do. He makes decent money, but he doesn’t spend a lot of it. He has a modest house. He drives a hybrid. He doesn’t travel much. He stays away from the casinos. Um, and according to his veterinary bills, he has a very sick cat.”

Hotch picked up from there. “He appears to spend most of his free time alone, he goes to the movies a lot, and he reads. And from his collection of first editions, it seems his favorite author is-”

“Isaac Asimov,” Spencer answered for him. “I remember that one.”

“He does have one other major interest,” Garcia continued. “On his home computer, he’s archived, like, a kajillion things on one common subject.”

“What?”

“You, kiddo. He’s got, like, everything that’s been published online. Every article you’ve been quoted in,  pieces you’ve written for behavioral science journals, he even has a copy of your dissertation.”

“He’s keeping tabs on you,” Rossi noted. “That’s saying something.”

“Yeah, that he googled me,” Spencer snapped. “That makes up for everything. I’m gonna get some air.”

Both men looked at Lydia as her boyfriend stormed off into the casino.

She rolled her eyes. “Let’s give him a minute to cool down, shall we?”

“I thought we were giving him good news,” Garcia sighed, disappointed.

“What else can we do?” Hotch asked.

“Look up a name for us, if you would,” Morgan said into his phone. “Gary Brendan Michaels.”

“You like this Gary guy for the Riley murder?”

“Somebody does.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia was lucky that Spencer didn’t exactly blend in with the casino scenery. She made a beeline for the poker games and got a glimpse of his back at a 5-card draw machine. When she got over there, a woman with a martini glass was leaning over his shoulder, talking to him.

Lydia wasn’t the jealous type, seeing as this was Spencer she was dating, so she found it funny that he’d attracted a prostitute in the 5 minutes she’d been gone.

“...if you employ optimal strategy and always draw for the royal flush, you can push those odds to 2%.”

“Hm,” she nodded, intrigued. “Smart and handsome.”

Lydia saw his eyebrows shoot up into his hairline, probably just now realizing who he was talking to, so she decided to step in on his behalf. “Sorry, honey. He’s a bit too clueless to be a good target.”

“Lydia!” Spencer exclaimed. The woman looked between them and gracefully walked off to find someone else. “I wasn’t-”

She laughed. “I got you, Spence. We’ve got more important things to worry about. How are you feeling?”

“Something’s wrong,” he argued. “I can’t just ignore the signs my brain is sending me.”

“We’re not ignoring them. But there are so many ways to interpret a dream. Don’t you think our first job should be finding out what happened to Riley? Your dad doesn’t fit the profile of a pedophile, but he could still be involved. I promise you, Spencer, you’re not going crazy. Just keep trusting your gut and we’ll get somewhere.”

A small smile pulled at his lips as he considered this. “I don’t tell you I love you enough.”

“Don’t worry-” She leaned down and gave him a peck on the lips. “-I know.”

“You two are annoyingly perfect for each other,” Derek said, appearing with Rossi. “So, what’s our next move?”

“Getting out of this casino, for one,” Lydia grumbled. “The overpowering smell of smoke is making my head hurt.”

Rossi nodded. “Reminder of all the people victim to cigarettes.”

“You know,” Spencer began, following the rest of the group back to the lobby, “recently, there’s been a lot of success in…”

Lydia raised an eyebrow, trying to figure out what had just grabbed Spencer’s attention. She knew he wouldn’t have stopped his tangent willingly. “What?”

“Hypnosis.”

~ ~ ~

“What did the detective say?” Lydia asked as Spencer hopped back into the car.

“We get 24 hours to question him.”

“And Morgan?” she continued, noticing he had not followed Spence out of the police station.

“He’s talking to Garcia about Gary Michaels.”

Lydia took a breath. “You… didn’t want to learn more about Michaels before taking in your dad?”

“You don’t think I can be objective either,” he huffed.

“You were never going to be able to be objective on this,” she argued. “That’s what we’re here for. To help you keep an open mind.”

“I saw him burning bloody clothes!” Spencer finally shouted.

He’d repeated those same words multiple times after his visit to the hypnotherapist. The woman had warned him that his memory could be distorted by the case, but Spencer was certain this had happened.

“Okay.” Lydia’s voice was much softer now, though she wasn’t sure if it was an attempt to comfort him or if she was genuinely startled by his reaction. “Then I want you to listen to one more thing before we take your father into custody. Watching your father go to prison, even if you are pissed at him, isn’t as cathartic as you think.”

“If he did something, he deserves to be brought to justice,” Spencer snapped, though he was much tamer now.

Lydia was glad to see Morgan climbing into the backseat, seeing as she couldn’t find much to respond to that. “Gary Michaels disappeared soon after the Riley murder. Luckily, we’ve got some DNA that Garcia’s running through ViCAP to see if he’s offended under a different name.”

“Good,” Lydia replied.

Spencer shot her a glare. “Let’s go.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia dressed up slightly to interrogate William Reid. As Morgan had told her, they wanted him on his toes, so she needed to look like a strong authority figure.

...which she wasn’t.

“Mr. Reid, good to see you again.”

“Where’s my son?” he demanded.

“Dr. Reid is busy at the moment. We consider accusing a family member of murder as a conflict of interest.”

“This isn’t an FBI case and the normal rules don’t apply,” he argued. “I want to speak to my son.”

“Mr. Reid, your son has come forward as witness to you burning bloody clothing soon after the Riley murder. Do you deny this event happening?”

“I want council.”

Lydia could feel the word ‘fuck’ burning behind her eyelids. Lawyers getting involved was… difficult to say the least.

Luckily, she didn’t have to deal with that. As she opened her mouth, the door clicked open behind her.

“It’s a simple question,” Spencer said. “How did the blood get on the clothes?”

“I told you, I’m not going to talk without council.”

“If you don’t have anything to hide, you don’t need a lawyer.” Lydia could feel Spencer leaning threateningly above her.

“Spencer, please. I’m not stupid… I’m proud of you, you know that?”

“I’m not stupid either.”

Seeing that she wasn’t getting anywhere, Lydia left him to his questioning and joined Rossi and Morgan behind the glass.

“Good try,” Derek told her. “This is too personal for them, there was no way they weren’t going to confront each other.”

“I just want to help him, Derek.”

“I know, kiddo.”

“Like you said, I do have special talents,” Spencer was saying across the glass. “And one of them is being able to tell when somebody’s hiding something.”

“You’re angry that I left. And you have a right to be.”

“You want to make it up to me? Tell me the truth.”

Lydia knew from his face and his silence that William was considering it. “I didn’t kill that boy… But I know who did.”

“Gary Michaels?”

His demeanor dropped immediately. “How’d you know that?”

“William Reid knows about Michaels?” Lydia murmured.

“So does Detective Hyde,” Rossi informed her. “We’re pretty sure he’s the one who put that file underneath Reid’s door.”

“Great.” Her voice dripped with sarcasm. “We love a reliable justice system.”

~ ~ ~

“How’s Spencer?”

“We’re on our way back from California,” was all Morgan said. It was possible that Spencer was with him, but Lydia figured Derek just didn’t want to answer the question. “There was a fingerprint on Gary Michaels glasses that didn’t belong to him.”

Hotch had called to let them know that Gary Michaels’s DNA had been identified on a body found 7 years ago just across the state line. He’d been beaten to death with a blunt object. So the boys went to speak to the California detectives. And now Spencer was convinced that his father had murdered Michaels instead of Riley.

“Let me know what they find.”

“We’ll likely be back at the Fountain View before then.”

“I’ll meet you in the lobby, then.”

“Oh! And I just got word that JJ has gone into labor.”

Lydia blinked at the news, trying to do some quick math in her head. “Really? She wasn’t due for like… two to three weeks, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah, she was surprised, too. But the whole team is at the hospital.”

“Let’s wrap this up soon then, shall we?”

“Sure thing, kiddo.”

~ ~ ~

Spencer’s leg bounced at an unbelievably fast rate. Lydia could tell he hadn’t even noticed it.

When Derek’s phone began ringing, he looked at the name, then to Spencer. Last chance to go back. To not know if his father was a murderer.

Spencer chose the truth.

“Yeah, this is Agent Morgan… You did?... You’re 100% certain?... Ok. Thank you.” Spencer stood up, his fingers slipping from Lydia’s grasp, his eyes begging for answers. “We’re going to have to get an arrest warrant.”

Lydia’s heart leapt to her throat. It was a painful feeling. She hoped that Spencer felt vindicated, for his own sake, but there was no way this wouldn’t haunt him for years to come.

“It was a match?”

“Yeah,” Morgan breathed. “But it wasn’t your dad.”

~ ~ ~

Lou Jenkins looked up at her curiously as Lydia entered the interrogation room. Spencer followed him in, but didn’t say anything for a while.

“Mr. Jenkins, I am sorry for your son's death. Such traumatic news cannot be easy to recover from.”

“You didn’t bring me here to talk about my son.”

“I imagine the two situations are related.”

He glared at her. “Get on with it.”

“Did you kill Gary Michaels?” she asked, softly.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“He raped and murdered my son.”

“What proof did you have of that claim, Mr. Jenkins?”

“He admitted it to me.”

“When? Did he approach you-?”

“No. No, he admitted it after accusation.”

Lydia swallowed. “Mr. Jenkins,” she hesitated, “you were threatening to kill him. It is possible that he admitted to something he didn’t do out of fear. What made you approach him in the first place?”

“He approached another kid in the neighborhood.”

“How do you know that?”

“I was told by a concerned party.”

“Who? Another parent?”

Lou crossed his arms. “That’s all I’m going to say on the subject.”

Lydia tried to consider his motivations. He was clearly not telling them something. But what was the harm in naming the person who came forward unless they were a party to the murder?

“Who was it?” Spencer demanded before she could speak her own mind.

“I told you, that’s all I’m going to say on the-”

“Who was it?” he tried again, more forcefully.

Lydia looked up at her boyfriend, trying to calm him, but his attention was driven away from the both of them as Detective Hyde walked in. “Agent Reid?”

He spun around, pointing at the man threateningly. “Do not interfere with this interrogation, detective! This is not your case anymore.”

Lydia unconsciously reached forward and put her hand up against Spencer’s back, watching him lose his patience. He was angry. No one would give him what he needed so desperately to know. Until his mother stepped around the detective.

“Spencer, it was me,” she told him nervously.

Lydia leaned forward to see Will Reid standing beside her as well. She’d never seen Spencer’s parents together, and understandably, he was a bit surprised to see it as well. His eyes flitted from them, to the detective, to Lou, to her.

He was overwhelmed. His eyes read to her like a book of the truth that had been haunting him for years. His desperation had been growing. But if only it had been his father, he could have been relieved by the news. He didn’t want to consider his mom a murderer.

Silently, he reached around to grab the palm she had placed on his back, gave it a quick squeeze between both of his hands, and followed his parents out of the room.

~ ~ ~

By the time Lydia had gotten a signed confession from Lou, Spencer had come back. He explained to her his mother’s story. How she’d gone to Lou after she saw the way Gary Michaels was looking at him. How, after identifying Michaels, Lou followed him home and killed him. And how his mother had walked onto the scene and, horrified, slipped in Michaels’s blood.

Lou and William had agreed to keep Diana out of it, if Lou ever got caught. They didn’t want her implicated for something she had no capacity to prevent. And upon learning what had happened, William immediately set to burning Diana’s soiled clothing, a scene that poor Spencer had happened upon, which caused unrest in his mind for many years following.

“I’m so sorry if this is not how you planned this trip to go-”

“Spencer!” she laughed. “We solved the case! That’s all that needed to happen. The family drama I could have done without, yeah? Are you satisfied with your truth?”

He thought about it only momentarily. “Very. It had been weighing on me for quite some time.”

“Good. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to try and get into your dad’s good graces, because we could use a rich family member between us.”

Spencer rolled his eyes, but still couldn’t hide his smile as she skipped away towards where his parents were still speaking. 

Morgan, seeing this as the perfect opportunity to throw Spencer a huge ‘I-told-you-so’, approached him, but couldn’t formulate the words before Spencer said something so out of character and… frankly, just exciting, that Derek was stunned into silence.

“I’m going to marry that girl.”

Tags: @kris-stuff​, @wooya1224​, @bispences​, @anotherr-fine-mess​, @eddysocs​

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Sorry! Lehner had around a 10 minute rant today about how he feels like the NHL lied to the players about loosening up the restrictions placed on teams and forced teams to get the Covid Vaccine. ESPN and the New York Post released an article about it today.

(this is a follow-up on this ask)

Ah okay, I found a TSN article about it, which covers the fact that he also apologized for some of his remarks (mainly comparing the restrictions to being “like prison” which is a bit cringe when you’re a millionaire in a free hotel, yeah), and also significantly clarified some of the intent behind what he was trying to say at the presser:

I’m gonna put my full thoughts this under a cut because it’s ended up running pretty long and rambly, but tl;dr: after considering his more precisely clarified points here and with the perspective I know he’s coming from, I can honestly see and empathize with what Lehner seems to be expressing here about how the NHL has chosen to handle player vaccinations and informing them about what that means for the restrictions on their lives, and I actually don’t disagree with his criticisms overall. Some of the phrasing could have been better, but he’s acknowledged that too.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL may have done a poor job of honestly managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the extra restrictions placed on the players and their families with each team, and that they’re also up to some version of their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

Right, so, long thoughts are down here. Also gonna copy the majority of his comments directly because I think it’s worthwhile for people to read exactly what he said:

"As I’m frustrated like a lot of people in the world right now everything didn’t come out of today’s press in the right way," Lehner wrote. "Main point is that we need to start take the mental health important as well In this situation. It has a huge impact on everyone in society right now. To put competitive edge before well being of people's lives is wrong. As I said, people are struggling with many different things mentally and we need to consider that, as well. Then, being lied to makes it worse."

I love hockey and the league has done a lot of good things," Lehner continued. "But this missed the mark. My bad to say it’s like prison and I apologize, but with mental health issues that are developing in the world, it develops problems mentally. We will see exactly how this affects everything with time. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I hope we can all work together to help people that suffer through mental help from this going forward. I’ve heard how a lot of people are doing through this as people talk to me about it."

During his briefing, Lehner said that the league has misled the players about how vaccination will lead to the loosening of restrictions.

"They told me yesterday that they're surveying all of the teams to see who has taken the vaccine and who has not taken the vaccine and they're not going to change the rules for us as players until all of the teams have a fair [amount] of [vaccinated players] at the same time, so there's not a competitive edge," Lehner said. "And that made me go crazy, to be honest."

Lehner said the league is failing to look at its players as people first and lied to them about taking the vaccine.

"These are human lives and people are struggling with this stuff a lot in society and we are humans just as everyone else," Lehner said. "So there's a twofold problem for me here - the first one is we got promised something to take something that not necessarily everyone wanted. So that was lie - a blatant lie. Second, to put competitive edge over human lives in terms of going back - and I'm not saying we're going out to a party or whatever, but we had a meeting when the season started, at the beginning of camp, that pretty much told us we can't go outside of our house, can't do anything, can't go to the grocery store, can do nothing on the road. You can take a meal out of the meal room and go sit up in your room, don't be with your teammates, don't do this, don't do that. Nobody thinks about the mental impact."

The Gothenburg, Sweden native says his peers are struggling through this pandemic season.

"I know people will say, 'Oh, you're millionaires' and this and that or 'What about these guys?' but we care about that, too, man," Lehner said. "No matter what people think, this is a society problem. But when government, corporations, NHL, whoever are taking decisions in terms of irrelevant things like competitive edge over the human being? It's not okay."

It seems pretty clear to me from this article that his main issue isn’t really with getting the vaccine or being required to do so (my understanding is that it is still opt-in for all players, not mandatory. It’s that he doesn’t view the League as having provided players with a realistic expectation ahead of time for how being vaccinated would or would not change their daily reality. That they were led to believe that getting vaccinated would lead to things that didn’t end up happening, and therefore weren’t empowered to make an informed choice about when to get vaccinated.

The way he describes it, the League was not clear enough ahead of time about the fact that individual players being vaccinated would not make them individually exempt from league-wide restrictions, and this created a feeling of false hope about what getting vaccinated would mean in terms of not just having to stay in your house or hotel room literally all the time. If you were looking forward to getting vaccinated because you were led to believe it would mean finally not having to live in that isolated, mentally draining environment all the time, and then only found out at the last minute or after the fact that no, you actually still have to keep following all these rules that are making your life so isolated and difficult, that’s gotta be pretty emotionally jarring. If you were a player who was a little unsure about getting vaccinated quite yet (for whatever reason, including possibly being in a risk group for side-effects or just not wanting to get waylaid for a week with the smile symptoms it induces during a crucial stretch of games), but decided it was worth it for the tradeoff of getting back to a life that was less of a strain on your mental health, and then got told AFTER you made that decision and got the shot that no, that tradeoff isn’t happening the way you were made to expect it to, I think it would understandably piss you off.

It also sounds like part of what he has taken issue with is that, from the sounds of it rather than ease internal restrictions on a team-by-team basis as determined by each team’s vaccination rates (which would mean that if for example the Wild had 95% of their team vaccinated, the Wild only the Wild would get to start living a life with slightly less restrictions), the League is instead opting to say “no, we’re only going to ease the rules for EVERYONE at the same time once all teams have reached similar numbers of vaccinated players and staff to ea other, because we would see having different rules for different teams as giving some of them an unfair competitive edge”.

Lehner takes umbrage with this approach, because he thinks that focusing solely on “competitive edge” by making more-vaccinated teams keep having to live incredibly isolated lives (even isolated from vaccinated teammates) is a case of the League prioritizing parity over the toll that barely being able to interact with other people or leave their houses is taking on players’ mental health. And I can really really understand his point here. We have all seen what quarantine has done to our individual mental health, and even if they are millionaires, those impacts also exist for the players.

I actually just recently re-read the Athletic piece about the intense mental health and addiction struggles Lehner has gone through and done the incredibly difficult work of getting help for in the last five years. This man has fought incredibly hard and done a massive amount of therapy and other work to sort out his head, deal with his demons, and get himself to a place where he can cope and wants to be alive. That kind of recovery journey is a battle which will continue for the rest of your life and requires constant maintenance practices (again, speaking from experience). He also spent most of this season not even getting to be around the team at all, stuck at home recovering from a concussion (which usually involves doing frustratingly little and waiting around impatiently in dimly lit rooms for your brain to heal). And now, upon returning to the team, road games mean more time spent sitting in a room trying not to be bored out of your skull, while possibly also having to have some limits on things like screen time as a post-concussion precaution.

Imagine being somebody like him, who has spent a lot of time working very hard to build up a lifestyle and a system of coping mechanisms in recent years which have allowed him to live a healthier and happier life, to then be thrown back into an isolated and highly restricted new lifestyle where probably at least half of all those habits and norms and support systems are taken out of reach, that has to be incredibly difficult (I’ve experienced something similar myself this year). Especially when you haven’t been able to even go and be with the team in the dressing room, or probably even do anything with your family that classes above “mildly strenuous”, because you’re out for six weeks recovering from a concussion, which is its own mental and physical health battle. And then, you are apparently given the impression from the League that “hey, if you’re willing to get vaccinated, that will lead to you being able to return to some semblance of a life that is less taxing on your psyche”, and you agreed to do so even if you were perhaps cautious about getting the vaccine before, because you’d rather accept whatever risk comes with the shot than gamble on keeping your sanity together for however much longer this isolation drags on, only to then find out that “actually no, even if your team and staff is entirely vaccinated you still have to spend most of your time sitting alone in rooms trying not to sink into a spiral of dangerous depression until other teams in other states with different vaccination programs are also immunized to similar levels, and our only real reasoning for holding that mental relief out of reach is mostly based on ‘competitive parity’”.

Yeah, I absolutely understand why he would feel very frustrated and even betrayed by that course of action! For Lehner, it’s not about competitive edges or the game on the ice, it’s about having made the decision to get vaccinated at this time with the understanding that it would allow access to an at least slightly less mentally taxing lifestyle, only to find out later that the League seemingly never intended to follow through on providing that despite you holding up your end of the deal. And it sounds like he is speaking for a number of other players beyond just himself who are also struggling with their mental health in these conditions. Even if he himself is managing to cope because of what he’s learned in his recovery, he would certainly be well-positioned to recognize signs in the people around him that they are struggling in ways that may be similar to what he went though before, and know how dire that can spiral into being.

Look, I don’t think Robin Lehner ever expected to be allowed to go out and lick people’s eyeballs or wander the supermarket maskless once vaccinated, but you heard the description of how intensely restrictive the NHL’s rules for players off-ice lives during COVID are. They are far more intense than the rules being enforced for non-NHL individuals in many of the same cities and states, because the NHL is trying to bring risk as close to zero as possible. And if you were a player told that being vaccinated was going to reduce contagion risks enough to mean that right away the NHL would finally let you and your teammates from “can’t go anywhere or see anyone, eat your dinner in your hotel room and try not to be depressed about it” to “you can go to the store with a mask on. you can eat meals with your also-vaccinated teammates. you can visit your parents or siblings while social-distancing/masking. you can spend free time around other people and/or in more public spaces without being chaperoned constantly by team staff. you can sit next to your also-vaccinated teammates on the plane/bus. you can hang out with them in their room”, and THEN later were told “sorry, we’re not actually going to let you do that yet. not for COVID reasons but rather because we worry not being totally miserable shut-ins will give you a competitive edge over that team in another state who aren’t getting vaccinated as quickly”. That has to feel like a slap in the face in terms of how much the league actually cares about your well-being or about being honest in its role in your personal medical decisions. Perhaps when he says “forced” he is expressing a feeling of being stuck between choosing “either get vaccinated or let your mental health keep degrading in isolation”, only to find out that making the deal doesn’t get you the relief you were promised.

Idk I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot here trying to circle in on my precise point bc my brain is a little scrambled today, but like. If the players made their decisions to consent to vaccination (at this time, with whatever version of the shot was offered, under whatever circumstances they may have going on personally or medically) based on one understanding of the situation, and then NHL really said “lol NOPE actually that was a false premise” and changed things after the fact, that’s kinda an informed consent issue and I think he’s right to call it fucked up! And everything he says about how mentally taxing such a super-isolated lifestyle is honestly only repeats worries I myself had right from the moment the “stay in your hotel room alone” rule was announced — that the League may be underestimating the toll (especially with some of the long road trips this season) that forcing players to live in total isolation like that was going to have on individual wellbeing and team morale.

Robin’s comments this morning could have been put better, but as somebody who has ADHD and who knows about bipolar disorder, I know emotions for folks with brains like ours can run fast and intense and sometimes lead to not always planning out every word as precisely and you might later have liked to once that moment has passed. The fact that he apologized for the less tactful part of the comment and sought to clarify his words tells me he’s thought a lot about this and wasn’t happy with how he expressed his thoughts initially. Also, while his English is very good, you can sometimes forget it isn’t his first language, Swedish is — some thoughts don’t translate exactly as they sounded in your head. That said, also Robin Lehner one of the more outspoken NHL players about mental health issues in recent years, and he also doesn’t seem like the type of guy to mince his words or tiptoe around a point — I’m not surprised he’s the person expressing these concerns about mental health, and I’m not surprised he was a bit blunt about it either lol.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL did a poor job of managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the players and their families, and that they’re also up to their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

(also: the New York Post is a right-leaning sensationalist rag 90% of the time. take all spin it puts on things with a grain of salt)

[braden-holtbys]

Like Morning Follows Night pt. 2

A/N: Hey guys! I’ve been working on this for a little while now. I didn’t wanna make it too long so sorry if the end seems abrupt. I may make a part three to this if y’all like it!  Also feel free to send me a message for more or anything else! And as always, it’ll be under the cut.

It’s been two years since Alec had left, and honestly, you’ve been doing so much better nowadays. You’ve been loving your job, but you also kind of feel like it’s time to get relocated. Not that the job or anything was bad, it’s just that you’ve been living mostly by yourself in LA, and you know damn well living in the city can get ridiculous. Occasionally you would look here and there for places that seemed reasonable, but of course there was a place that you avoided. Las Vegas, Nevada. The neon lights and the casinos weren’t for you, and you had previously gone there to visit family. However, you stopped going as much as you used to. 

I look around and see that I’m alone. Sin City’s cold and empty, no one’s around to judge me. Ooh I can’t see clearly when you’re gone. I’m blinded by the lights.

You figured that the relationship broke off because of the trade. It was true, but you tried to keep your focus elsewhere since you thought he’d move on anyways. For you, you didn’t get into a relationship and had some walls up that seemed so hard to break down. Your friends had tried to set you up on dates, and it just never worked out. Things seemed to be missing, yet you would try so hard to not be too nitpicky and reminisce on an ex. Hell, you’ve even avoided Staples Center when the Knights came around. 

Your friends have been encouraging you to take some time off of work. They seemed to notice that you’ve been dealing with a lot at work and trying to look for places near a new relocation site. Your boss had told you, as one of the event managers, that Vegas might be one of the sites. As much as you dreaded it, you accepted it as a new start and even if it’s the same place where he’s at. It seemed petty to dread being even in the same city as your ex, but you still believed that he wouldn’t even notice that you’re there and that he moved on. Plus, your boss was cool enough to give you a week off to find a place out there. The hard work, the ups and downs, everything really paid off. 

I’m running out of time ‘cause I can see the sun light up the sky, so I hit the road in overdrive. Baby, oh I can’t help it. 

Keys, bags, gas, snacks… check. Driving to Vegas wasn’t so terrible as  you had your music that slaps. Honestly, at least you’ll have time to yourself and you felt confident enough to actually attend the game on Thursday night. 

“Phew, that took long enough. Seems like I’ll just spend the rest of the night in the room,” you said quietly to yourself as you put the card in the slot. Four and a half hours of driving, getting something to eat, and finally checking into the Bellagio got you slumped. Honestly, you were tired enough to knock out then and there which didn’t sound like a bad idea. You actually were gonna look at a couple apartments tomorrow morning anyways. 

-Fast forward to tomorrow because idk how to end the night without more filler and not getting straight to the point-

The apartments you had looked at were nice, but of course one or two were better than others. At least that’s a good start. You also had some time to hang out with your cousins who were aware of the situation with you know who and with work. A little text and phone call here and there with them always made you feel better, also because sometimes their shit talking was funny. You were at their house out in the suburbs, just hanging out for a bit because what else is there to do in Vegas. Like honestly? 

“Anyways, what are you gonna do if you happen to run into Alec? I mean sure there’s lots of people here, but honestly…,” your cousin Lexi had trailed off. 

“I don’t know, probably just keep on going and just leave it alone,” you replied.

“Well he better not try anything sneaky, Y/N,” she added. “I don’t wanna see you get hurt again because of him or else he’ll catch these hands.”

You chuckled in response.

”Anyways, I gotta get going here. So we’ll catch up again sometime right?”

“Yeah for sure,” she commented as she walked with you to the door. “Just text or call.”

You nodded as you made your way back to the car and left for the hotel room. It was only three in the afternoon, but you always liked to nap before the games. Honestly, you still missed pregame naps with Alec. You missed being wrapped in his arms, his warmth, the light snoring, but most of all you missed him being the big spoon. You had plopped onto the bed as soon as you got back to the room. So many thoughts were racing through your head, yet it was hard to get them out. 

I said, ooh, I’m blinded by the lights. No, I can’t sleep until I feel your touch. Ooh, I’m drowning in the night. When I’m like this you’re the one I trust. 

It was hard to sleep, but with a puck drop at seven, you needed to get ready. The clock on the nightstand read 5:54 pm. It didn’t take too long to get ready, and you reluctantly took your jersey with you. It was Alec’s jersey, but you still kept it because it looked better on you anyways. 

6:15 pm and a quick uber to the arena, just in time for warm ups. You decided to stay on the Kings side but close to the benches and glass. It was a bad idea but you didn’t care. It was a risk, but oh you needed the thrill. With the buzzer going off and the announcement of both teams coming on ice for warm ups, the pit of anxiety was building up in your stomach. 

You looked up at the jumbotron, and for a brief second, you saw yourself on it. How embarrassing because now it announced to Alec that you were in attendance. You were sure he didn’t see it, but somehow you felt like someone was looking at you. Whoever it was, they were looking from a distance, like they knew you, examining you. It felt so intense and you didn’t want to look. Yet, you had the built up a tiny bit of courage to look around and to see if you can confirm the feeling. 

And there it was. Your eyes had locked with Alec’s for a brief moment in time as he was conveniently by the dividing line. It felt like eternity as you both looked at each other until he had skated off for a couple shots on net. The anxiety built up even more, you can feel it. It didn’t matter though since you were here for a time, good or not. You still stood by the glass until warm ups were over and hurried to the nearest restroom that you can find.

“Oh my god, oh my god…,” you whispered to yourself as you got to an open stall and locked the door behind you. Your phone had vibrated a couple times before you took it out of your pocket. It was a couple text notifications from a number you didn’t have, probably because you either deleted or wrong number or whatever. 

‘Hey, it’s Alec.’

You didn’t... you couldn’t believe that he still had your number. It must be a joke at this point because it’s been a couple years and he barely even texted you after he left. You’ve ignored the texts and figured that he’ll just delete your number. Why would he have a number of an ex anyways?

A: ‘Come meet me after the game outside the locker room. I’ll let the security know. Only if you’re comfortable…’

You read it over again before replying. Panic and somehow relief were the two main feelings you had.

Y: ‘Fine, I’ll be there’

It couldn’t be… why now?

You got me in the mood, mood. I’m scared but if my heart’s gonna break at the end of the night then we’re in danger.

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Why So Jaded Chapter 11

Oh it’s getting to be a family affair now. AO3, FFN. The chapter is called The Give For The Take for a very good reason. Enjoy. 

Why So Jaded?

Chapter 11

“So were you good for Vi?” Helen asked Jack when Violet dropped him off at home on Sunday night.

“Yeah! We had a great time. We got to hang out with Barret the whole time.” Jack gleefully informed her.

“B..who?” Helen asked.

“His full name is Bartholomew Maximillian Pine, Mr. Pine, my other asset at work? We call him Barret for short.” Violet tried to honestly yet vaguely answer.

“Oh, but I thought he was on house arrest at SEB for the bet he made?” Helen asked.

“He is, so we hung out with him. He helped Jack with his school project about radio waves because the Lord knows I couldn’t.” Violet informed her mother.

“And he’s friends with Evan’s mom! You know Evan- he usually goes to Milham park with his little brother Alex and his little sister Kaely? Tammy has short bobbed hair cut, brown hair.” Jack tried to jog his mom’s memory.

“Oh yeah! Tammy. She’s really nice.” Helen recalled.

“Well I got invited to Evan’s birthday party in a couple of weeks, can I go? It’s on the 18th. They’re having it at Scene It.” Jack pleaded.

“I could take him if you already had plans.” Violet offered as Helen looked at her calendar on her fridge.

“Yeah, that would be nice.” Helen appraised.

“We’re supposed to be taking Jr and Dillion that weekend.” Bob said as he came over and looked at the calendar.

“Yeah who did Dash spend his weekend with anyway?” Violet asked as both of her parents just shook their heads with a defeated sigh.  

“Who knows.” Bob grumbled as he got a beer from the fridge.

“So tell me about Barret, Jack.” Bob invited.

“He’s awesome! He cooks so good, like Bobby Flay, like he made us all these amazing dishes from scratch and he showed me how to make a risotto, he’s a genius and an inventor and he explained radio waves to me and I should be getting an A on this project. And he’s actually really nice and sucks at cards. I demolished him at rummy but he was a really gracious loser and a good sportsman, he has no ego and he’s not the most handsome guy but his personality is awesome, just a really nice, easy going guy.” Jack appraised honestly.

“And that’s why we’re friends.” Violet added.

“Aww, that’s sweet.” Helen cooed as she got dinner ready as Bob simply nodded and retreated to the living room with his can of beer as Jack followed his dad and continued to sing Barret's praises, in an effort to get his dad to at least like the idea of Barret.

“Can you stay for dinner Vi?” Helen asked hopefully.

“I’d love to. Here, let me help.” Violet offered as she grabbed some potatoes and started to help peel them.

“So what’s Barret really like?” Helen asked as they stood side by side over the trashcan peeling potatoes.

“He’s genuine. And a gentleman. We ended up staying really late Friday because we just got caught up talking and getting to know each other, and by each other, his company and myself. Jack obviously knew Barret’s company and played nice with the other kids and it was just a nice dinner that I got to stay for and it was just...hanging out with friends. They’re just normal people. Like normal normal, with kids and mortgages and student loan debt. Anyway, Barret didn’t want me to drive home exhausted so he let Jack and I take his bed while he took his own couch. He was just..really nice. He never pushes for closeness or intimacy of any kind, he's down to earth whereas with Phil it’s just one head game after another when his head isn't crammed so far up his own ass it comes back out the other end again or when his head gets so big, it can't be contained inside Madison Square Gardens because it's a freaking blimp and his ego is as fragile as a hanging nut sack, it's a very nice and welcome change of pace. It was actually almost fun to just be casual and hang out and not watch the clock to count down the minutes until I’m free. And not having to always watch my back and watch the exits and think of exit strategies or expecting attacks every other second or worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing that’ll bite me in the ass later, like turning off for once instead of always being on you know?” Violet  answered honestly.

“Well I’m glad you had a good weekend and it sounded like you spent it with a friend. You need more of those.” Helen noted as she smiled at her daughter.

“Thanks, so. How was your weekend?” Violet returned.

“It was so fun. We ended up doing a gig upstate and after we got a cabin and just got to relax after, it was great.” Helen sighed happily as Violet simply smiled, albeit a little sadly. Because she doubted she would ever get to enjoy the wedded bliss her parents enjoyed. If she lived long enough to get married that is.

Just then Dash came into the house.

“Oh good, I didn’t miss dinner.” Dash smiled happily as his stomach started to growl.

“If you’re gonna help eat it, you should help make it.” Violet urged.

“But you two do it so well, I would only be in the way.” Dash excused himself as he grabbed beer from the fridge and started chugging it.

“You look really nice by the way Violet, green is definitely your color.” Dash praised as she squeezed by them to get to the box of cookies on the counter.

“I’m not giving you any more money, you still haven’t paid me back from the last three times I gave you money.” Violet immediately insisted when Dash tried hugging her from behind.

“Who said anything about money?” Dash pretended to be appalled that Violet would insinuate that.

“No one, and it will not be brought up again.” Violet insisted and she could only smirk smugly when he huffed and pulled away from her sullenly.

“So which underwear catalog model were you with this weekend Dash?” Violet asked.

“Victoria’s Secret, with Bianca.” Dash grinned cheekily with a click of his teeth as Violet visibly gagged.

“For the love of God and all that holy, please tell me you wore a condom.” Helen urged.

“Uh I think we should be asking Violet if she’s been wearing condoms when she was with Phillip in Vegas of all places, I’m surprised she didn’t come back married as Mrs. Sebastian.” Dash snidely returned as he began to walk away and Violet’s eyes glowed ultraviolet for a moment as her anger started to build.

“First of all, that’s none of your business, second, that was work and well within the parameters of my contract, third, considering my track record, as opposed to yours, who has not one, but two children already by two different women? And they’re only six months apart? And don’t you pay enough in child support already? You really want to add a third payment?” Violet spat back.

“Well some of us don’t roll around in money Violet! Besides, aren’t you paying enough in rent at Sky Way?” Dash sneered condescendingly.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, you know if you could keep it in your pants for more than five minutes, you’d be able to afford to live there too, don’t you get enough in endorsements between Nike, Body Armor and all your White Lightning merch and endorsements? Just up your appearance fees or better yet, if you- you know, invested some of that money instead of spending it faster than you’re making it, you’d be able to live wherever you wanted to.” Violet returned defensively.

“I do invest it, it’s just not getting the same returns your money makes apparently.” Dash returned.

“Oh my God, will you two stop it! Ugh, aren’t your kids supposed to get along once they leave home?” Helen complained.

“Dash, just go to the living room, dinner will be ready in a bit.” Helen decided.

“Stuck up.” Dash muttered under his breath.

“Leech.” Violet spat back.

“If he moves back in you better be charging him rent.” Violet insisted to her mother.

“Oh trust me, he’ll never move back in because I would never let him bring home another woman other than the two he's already impregnanted and when he wasn’t working, he’d be watching his own kids.” Helen reassured her.

“And heaven forbid he not have a revolving door on his bedroom.” Violet spat.

“I’m still holding out hope that he’ll find the right girl and settle down.” Helen confessed.

“Yeah, somehow, I get the distinct impression that will happen to Jack before that ever happens with Dash.” Violet ventured as she took her now peeled potatoes and rinsed them off in the sink before she got a cutting board out and started cutting up the now peeled potatoes into bite sized chunks.

“Well it just might happen with you before it could happen with Jack.” Helen teased as she bumped Violet’s hip with her own as she put her own peeled and rinsed off potatoes next to the cutting board.

“Ha! No.” Violet returned.

“Well I mean Barret sounds promising.” Helen shrugged and all Violet could do was laugh even harder.

“Yeah, no, I sincerely doubt that’s ever going to be a possibility.” Violet shook her head no.

“Why not?” Helen asked.

“Uh, well, he has quite the storied past. Granted, he isn’t the same guy he was, say, a decade ago, but uh, there’s too much history there.” Violet hinted.

“Like what kind of history?” Helen prodded.

“The kind that got him...really really hurt. In every conceivable sense. He made some really bad decisions in early youth, youth, teens and early adulthood and granted he pays for them, just about every day. But…it’s very complicated.” Violet tried to choose her words carefully.

“Everyone has history Violet. Doesn’t mean it has to haunt us the rest of our lives.” Helen insisted but Violet just huffed a mirthless laugh again. If that were the case, she wouldn't have such a hard time sleeping in the first place, or wake up in a cold sweat screaming her head off half the time.

“How old is he again?” Helen asked.

“He’s 31, seven years my senior.” Violet answered.

“Well that’s not that big of an age difference, especially once you pass your early 20’s, now if he was like 15 or even 20 years older than you, then yeah, that would be an eyebrow raiser of a difference.” Helen figured as she went into her fridge and got a wine cooler and offered Violet one who gladly took it and opened it and started drinking it.

“So what makes it so complicated?” Helen posed.

“Uh, well besides the history. Just our...positions. Phillip keeps me on a short leash and it’s only because I’ve “mixed business with pleasure” that I have any breathing room now. Phillip is jealous and possessive enough that...to pursue anything with anyone while I’m still under contract is a very bad idea and too dangerous. Phillip has a way of reaching out and touching people, and not in any kind of good way. And Barret is also under contract and his contract is even longer and more severe than mine. But we are…” Violet paused as she tried to decide on the best words to use.

“We’ve grown close to being friends because we’re just...two birds, in side by side gilded cages.” Violet finally murmured lowly as she finely diced the potatoes as she realized they should boil these and make mashed potatoes.

“So what has he done to incite you to view him like that?” Helen posed as she rinsed off some asparagus in the sink as another vegetable for dinner.

“He’s healing me.” Violet answered honestly.

“Like emotionally or physically?” Helen asked.

“The latter, the former is probably impossible.” Violet specified.

“Like with your central cortex?” Helen posed.

“Yep, he used his genius and formulated my current medication, he got me in front of the curve instead of always chasing behind it. It’s like I’m a teenager again, before any of it ever hurt and I can use my powers for hours instead of mere minutes before the pain sets in and the longer I'm on it, the better. I’m actually sleeping at night because of the sleep aids he’s made for me, granted for anyone else, they’d put them into a permanent coma but for me, they’re just right. I’ve shared them with Tali and they’re curing her too and even all the other Supers at The Agency with the same problem. Grated Phillip makes The Agency pay through the nose for theirs but for now they’re free for me and Barret is risking everything to get me my own protected supply that Phillip can’t touch or better yet, control, just in case Phillip tries to hold them over my head to keep me in line, which I wouldn’t push past him. Barret even made a suit that should protect me and everyone I protect that has features that every Super will want and every Super who is a handler will need. And he gives without any thought or want or need to be paid back. Even when he has so little, he’d give it all before ever being asked. He’s helping me with Dragon Eye, he’s...he’s an unlikely ally and an even unlikelier friend.” Violet explained as Helen’s eyebrows rose in surprise to hear of these developments. Granted, she didn’t like Phillip as far as she could punt him either. Something about Phillip put her on edge and had her own intuition telling her something was wrong with him and that he was much more dangerous than he looked but she couldn’t put her finger on it or explain it. She got the sense he was a sleezeball and Helen would have never forgiven Violet if Violet had come home from Vegas as Mrs. Sebastian.

“Sounds like a pretty awesome guy to me Vi.” Helen shrugged with a knowing grin.

“He is. He just...has an unfortunate past.” Violet answered.

“Was he in the mob or something?” Helen guessed lowly.

“Uh, no, not that I’m aware of.” Violet shook her head.

“Is he a serial killer?” Helen teased as Violet huffed a mirthless laugh again.  

“Technically I’m a serial killer Mom.” Violet answered in all seriousness and honesty.

“Oh no you’re not. You’re a Super, no Super has clean hands, on either side but you're on the good side. Guilty blood saves innocent blood, and it's because of that guilty blood that you've saved countless innocents which more than makes up for it.” Helen assured her daughter.

“Even if my hands have the blood of other Supers on them?” Violet posed.

“Yes.” Helen insisted.

“Not all Supers are good people, and not all Supers are heroes. You’ve gotten your hands dirty trying to keep the world safe and everyone else clean, you’ve had to make the tough decisions and the hard choices. But they were the right ones. If it was easy, everyone could do it. But you’re special and you’re one of the good guys, if not one of the best. You’re the best kind of hero, one that doesn’t need to constantly be in the spotlight and have every good deed praised by the masses, unlike others we know.” Helen reassured her as Helen gave the living room a dismissive glance. 

“I doubt you’d give Barret the same speech because his hands have just as much Super blood on them that mind do.” Violet posed with a disbelieving look as Helen was taken aback.  

“Ok, now you’re scaring me. Who is Barret?” Helen asked in all seriousness.

“Google him, Google- Bartholomew Maximillian Pine, just don’t scream or yell when you find out and don’t tell Dad, the last thing I need is for Dad to go Papa Bear and kill him before I can get Dragon Eye off my plate.” Violet answered before Helen got her phone out of her back pocket and googled it.

“Why does he look familiar?” Helen asked as she looked at the images of him that came up.

“Cross reference Buddy Pine, aka Syndrome.” Violet said before Helen sharply inhaled through her nose as her eyes got impossibly wide.

“See? Do you see why I didn’t want tell you? Because of this reaction right here.” Violet insisted.

“I...I thought he was in a wheelchair? After the accident with the jet turbine.” Helen finally spoke.

“He was in a wheelchair, he was in one for a few years after that accident and had to be put together and get surgery after surgery to be made somewhat whole again, it was why he didn’t go to prison after Syntech crashed and burned as did Syndrome. But Barret has assured me that Syndrome died in that jet turbine and it’s beyond clear to me that he is telling me the truth and he shows me that that's the truth by his actions that he is nothing like what he once was, except for the genius inventor thing, that never changed but everything else did, you'd barely recognize him now but hearing him talk might jog your memory. Or even Dad's especially. Barret has suffered enough from all of that and especially how Tali helped tear apart and break down the very empire she helped him build and left him with nothing where he had to start from an all new low. Not only did he barely have a dollar to his name, he was left in literal pieces that had to be sewn together and be ripped apart piece by piece in every way before he put himself back together again. It’s actually impressive how he’s managed to make it this far despite all that. And even with all that history. He’s...he’s surprisingly not bitter or holding any grudges, even against Tali, because he got his ass into some much needed therapy. Here, watch this with your headphones.” Violet urged as she handed her phone to her mother and had her watch the video that she had saved to her phone as Helen put her headphones in her ear and watched the video as Violet watched her mother carefully, watching how she started off wearily then gradually went from weary to understanding then sympathetic as the video progressed.

“So, you ready to take all that back?” Violet questioned when Helen finished and handed the phone back.

“Nope. Who else has seen that?” Helen asked.

“Tali, she cried when she watched it. She said that if he had been like that a decade ago, she never would have left him, or betrayed him and has asked me to help Barret and take care of him to the best of my ability, which I have happily agreed to and Barret makes it easy for me to do so. I don't do so strictly out of obligation or because it's owed or expected. I do it because I want to. Which is a first for me, especially in this job.” Violet answered.

“Well, it’ll take some time for everyone to come around to the idea of just you being friends. I think it should only matter what people are in the present. Obviously, he’s suffered the consequences of his actions.” Helen appraised.

“He has suffered, more than enough.” Violet insisted.

“Then I trust your opinion of what he is now.” Helen insisted.

“Really?” Violet posed disbelievingly.

“Like I said, the past shouldn’t haunt us forever. And if you said Syndrome died all those years ago. And he’s a changed man, then I will trust you on that. You aren’t one to trust anyone easily. And every ounce of your trust is hard earned and if he’s earned it, and if you trusted him enough to let Jack hang out with him, because it's no secret he's your favorite, much less yourself, then that’s enough.” Helen insisted.

“So you’re not pissed that I let Jack hang out with him?” Violet asked.

“You let Jack hang out with Barret. And Barret is a good guy. That’s all that matters.” Helen insisted before Violet quickly enveloped her mom in a tight hug.

“Thank you Mom.” Violet thanked her, not realizing how much her mother's approval would mean to her or how assuring, reassuring, validating and vindicating it was to have it.

“You’re welcome.” Helen reassured her. Ever so thankful and grateful that Violet let her in on even this much.

Truth be told, Helen was resentful to The Agency for turning her daughter from a good but shy teen to a stone cold killer. When Violet had come home from a stint that took almost a year, Violet just came home and held Jack and didn’t let him go for weeks. And often took him to bed with her and cried herself to sleep holding him. Violet wouldn’t breathe a word of what really happened and what she had been doing was top secret and only the highest of higher ups even knew about it, but after that, Violet was never the same and she was fiercely protective of Jack who was only 3 at the time and she was only 17, almost 18 herself at the time as well. Thus why the two shared their current super close bond. All Helen could think of is that involved children. Maybe the target had little children that Violet left orphaned, that was the only thing that made sense to Helen and to Bob. But after that, Violet just did mission after mission, back to back to back and started earning more than her parents ever did combined. And each time she came home, less and less of herself came home with her and when Violet moved out at 18, Helen feared she would lose all contact with her, and Helen had never been more devastated when her fears proved true.

When Violet was 21, she did another really, really long mission that took over a year and Helen didn’t hear from Violet that whole time and all The Agency could tell her was that she was on mission and undercover, wouldn’t say where or with who. But whatever it was, it didn’t end well. Helen and Bob had been watching the news and three major catastrophes seemed to happen at the same time, complete with natural disasters on top of political upheaval. And then they had gotten a call from Violet from a burner phone, saying that she was done. And she was disappearing for good and that she was just calling to say goodbye.

That had been the worst of it.

To beg and plead with your only daughter to just come home, where it was safe, where she would be protected. And to have that same, oh so precious daughter inform you that she would put them in too much danger if she did that. That she couldn’t protect them. She couldn’t even protect herself. And that the danger was bigger and stronger than anything they had ever known. And that if they only knew what had really happened, they would never welcome her home anyway. And that this was for the best. And it was going to be better this way.

Then silence.

And it didn’t matter how many times Helen and Bob went back to The Agency and rallied the troops and threatened to bring hellfire down on all of them if they didn’t give them their daughter back or at least tell them where she was. They were going to hang every last person at the agency on their own bullshit lies tied into a noose around their necks. No one would tell them anything, mostly because the people there didn’t know and everyone who did was unreachable and "conveniently" overseas and completely unreachable. Bob and herself had even officially quit and retired. And had even tried looking for her on their own but never did find her because Violet had been trained to never leave a trace. And Violet was always- successful.

It wasn’t until Phillip and The Agency found her and brought her home a little over a year later that they got to see her in the flesh. And while it was a blessing having Violet back home, working a ‘normal’-ish job that was mostly 9-5 through the week with the occasional overseas trip, it still kept her here in Metroville, and kept her close and brought her back into the fold so to speak. But the real Violet, Helen feared, never did come back. Or at least the Violet that Helen could remember or recognize.

But then, about a couple of months ago, Helen noticed she started seeing glimmers and glimpses of the real Violet again, like Violet's spirit was slowly returning to her body. She was still incredibly guarded, and secretive. But she was easing up, Helen supposed, at least smiling more, and being more accessible, at least physically, emotionally though, that was another matter entirely.

But Violet did take to Dash’s kids really well when she first came back. Feeling sorry and sad that she missed out on them. It wasn’t unusual for when Helen and Bob had them for the weekend- Violet would ‘drop by’ for the weekend too, with clothes and toys in tow and doted on them the way she doted on Jack when Jack was that age since Dash Jr. was three and Dillon was two and a half at the time and now Dash Jr. was four and in preschool and Dillon was now three and a half and she got along remarkably well with Ashley, Dash Jr's mom who was Dash's high school sweetheart, and Amy, Dillon's mom, Dash's first college love. But Violet got a lot harder on Dash, making sure he always paid his child support and spent quality time with his kids and even chipped in financially with their mothers, making sure that Jr got into an amazing preschool and made sure that Dillon would too, and helping them as much as she reasonably could. And with Jack, she usually bought the bulk of his school clothes and fabrics and trim which she happily took him to the garment district and let him go nuts in the fabric warehouses, bringing home yards and yards of fabrics for his ‘creations’ and even paid for her parents to put on an addition to their house so Jack had his own studio to create in and was super encouraging to Jack with his interests, and often did all she could to help them out, either physically or especially financially and made sure to give them heads up on her schedules of when she was going to be in town or out of town so if they needed to, they could depend on her, or invite her to their own social things that they had going on.

But right now, it was Helen’s intuition telling her that the reason she was seeing more of the real Violet, was because it was Barret of all people bringing it out in her, and for that she was grateful and it was because of that, she could learn to forgive him for the past.

Monday morning Violet came into work and was surprised to see a woman in Phillip’s office already, and it was someone she didn’t recognize as she was sitting in his lap as he showed her something on his computer as her giggle got on every nerve Violet had.

“Mr. Sebastian?” Violet posed politely.

“Oh, Ms. Parr, good morning.”

“Good morning. Do we have anything new for Mr. Pine today?” Violet asked formally, since he was obviously otherwise engaged as Violet’s glasses revealed to her exactly who was sitting in his lap and so intimately embraced in it. Another ballerina. Cheseray Wilkenson, prima dancer for Villefort Dance Company.

“Yes, actually.” Phillip said as he picked up his tablet and did a swiping motion from his own tablet to hers before her tablet got the new data and Violet froze when she saw it as she blinked in surprise from her tablet then back up to Phillip.

“By the way, how is the new suit?” Phillip asked and Violet actually did well keeping the dread and fear from her eyes and her face.

“Good, so far.” Violet answered.

“Excellent. I’m happy it’s working out for you.” Phillip offered and Violet simply smiled politely in view of his ‘company’.

“Is there a problem Ms. Parr?” Phillip baited.

“No, no problem at all, will that be all Mr. Sebastian?” Violet asked.

“Yes.” Phillip nodded.

“Very well,” Violet nodded as she then went to her own office and opened her own computer case from The Agency and accessed her files before pulling up Dragon Eye and did a search for when the last time someone accessed it and her heart dropped when she saw that Phillip was the last one to look at it, Saturday night. After herself, Barret and Jack had been working it as she remembered the wave pattern from the cameras. She had been in the apartment side of the space most of the time where the cameras had only come on in a wave a few times but she had thought nothing of it, since it was going to be Nelson, Pike, Leland and Smith in the security booth but there was no way for Jack and Barret to know that they were on a wave pattern and it obviously happened way more frequently for them to figure out what they were up to. That’s how Phillip knew that they had made progress.

He knew. But she was sure she’d be forced into trying to slit her own wrists if he knew that Dragon Eye was really him.

She closed it out and looked more closely at what her tablet had received as she tried to see what was really there. Was this a test? A trick? A trap? Or just Phillip keeping up with her? Her gut was telling her something was off and something was wrong. She needed Tali’s advice and she called her on her phone.

“Yes?” Tali answered.

“Hey, can you meet me for lunch today? Please?” Violet proposed.

“Uh, yeah, sure, where did you want to go?” Tali answered.

“Don’t care, somewhere uh, private and spider free.” Violet proposed.

“Luigiano’s.” Tali suggested.

“Yup, see you at say...11:30?” Violet proposed.

“Yes, of course Dear, see you then.” Tali answered.

“Thanks.” Violet said before she hung up and quickly went to Barret’s floor.

“Good morning Ms. Parr,” Barret greeted.

“Good morning Mr. Pine, uh, you have a few new items for your agenda this week.” Violet informed him as she couldn’t wipe the confused frown off her face or the fear from her eyes to save her life as she did a wiping motion from her tablet to his and then looked at him pointedly to make sure he actually saw what was in front of him.

“Oh, huh.” Barret finally murmured as he looked it over himself, and also frowned in confusion before he looked back over to Violet before they had a silent conversation with just their subtle facial expressions before he finally reached over and tapped her hand with his knuckle three times but tried to make it look like some random twitch.

“If you don’t have any questions, I’ll leave you to it then. See you this evening Mr. Pine.” Violet formally said before she left and went back to her office before she went into her bathroom and became invisible, her clothes she had been wearing, transforming into her suit before she marched from her bathroom to Phillip’s office, only to walk in to seeing Phillip balls deep in his new ‘pet’ on his desk before she sarcastically gagged then marched straight to Barret’s floor and tapped him again, three times, in rapid succession on the shoulder when she had made it back before he ‘casually’ decided to go to the bathroom himself and once in it, he blew out a breath of relief when a forcefield suddenly enveloped them both as she reappeared before him.

“So what’s going on?” Barret asked.

“He knows we were working on Dragon Eye. I was able to see who saw Dragon Eye last. And it was him. He saw it very late Saturday night. He’s out to exploit you even more than he already is.” Violet answered anxiously as she started pace inside the bubble of the forcefield.

“Yeah but a Super would need your powers to make them invisible too. The suit is meant to work as an extension of yourself and it takes machines that take up most rooms to turn it invisible without your powers. To put the same suit on any other Super, it’s not gonna work. And even if it did, unleashing a small army of completely invisible Supers who don’t have the same moral compass you do- is dangerous, like Supervillain level of dangerous. No offense.” Barret offered.

“Oh none taken, I completely agree. Just having one of me is already too dangerous. I mean it would be nice for The Agency to have someone else for my kind of work but even I would have no way of seeing them.” Violet worried.

“Well...not...not necessarily, when you’re in the suit, when you’re invisible, if you’re wearing the hood, you could see them, you could see, in theory anything you wanted to see. If I make your suit for anyone else. There’s ways I can make them that even you can see them, all I need is to reconfigure the visor section of your suit and even reconfigure your glasses when you don’t wear the suit over your head or give you special contacts or make it so that the the nanos always recognize each other, even from a distance, even from each other’s invisibility. Like x-ray vision but I guess...not. It can be done. It’ll be tricky, but it can be done.” Barret realized as his spark was working into overdrive figuring it out.

“Here’s my other request. While you’re doing that- make my suit EMP proof. Because one of my powers is to mimic an EMP signal, it’s one of the ways I can “burn” the cameras and listening devices and other electronics. But if you could make it so that the EMP signal, knocks out other’s invisibility but keep mine intact. But I also need a way for my own SOS signal to be EMP proof. Like I want to be a thousand feet underground in a copper mine or a lead mine and the right people would still be able to find me and rescue me.” Violet proposed.

“You got it.” Barret immediately agreed.

“Thank you.” Violet thanked him as she stopped her pacing to hug him tightly.

“I think it’s a trap.” Barret confessed.

“Oh I know it’s a trap. But at this point, I need to put my bloody feet in the water to attract the shark and I need a way to set my own trap for it and to spring it at the right time. Springing it too soon and we’ll never catch him. We need a trap of our own.” Violet answered as she just clung to him as he did the same to her.

“But the thing is, if he knew Saturday night, at the time he checked, that was the time Pike was getting off and Leland was getting on, Nelson got Friday night and he made sure to destroy the evidence of the uh, incident. And all he wants is when and if you ever get to leave here alive, to take him with you.” Violet conveyed.

“Oh, yeah, that totally works, it was Nelson that got you the necklace.” Barret immediately agreed.

“Figures. But that leaves Pike or Leland to spill the beans. Pike was in the same boat that Nelson was in when I talked to them Saturday morning and according to everyone, everyone in the security detail is ready to follow you out of here. But I don’t know if Pike was just saying that to curry favor with me or if he was genuine. Nelson I believe is genuine. Pike and Leland, I wouldn’t put it past them to be two faced. So we’re just going to have to be extra careful from here on out and choose our steps carefully. And anyone’s loyalty who can be bought isn’t worth having.” Violet murmured to the crux of Buddy’s neck and shoulder as they just hung onto each other, Barret refusing to let go before Violet would and was perfectly content to just enjoy this, plus he couldn’t chance endangering her by engaging her romantically or at least emotionally when she had so much to lose before Violet finally reluctantly let him go.

“I better get out of here, just in case I’ve been gone too long.” Violet excused herself.

“Thank you.” Violet whispered as she stood on her tip toes and kissed his cheek just as she vanished and just as Barret was about to go ‘fuck it’ and reach out and really kiss her back, she was gone, phased through the walls and he even reached out and tried to feel for her but she was already gone.

“You’re welcome.” Barret finally breathed as he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck anxiously before he sat down and actually used the bathroom as he held his head in his hands and thought of all the ways to give her what she asked for. Electronics that were EMP proof. Ways of seeing the invisible that he had worked so hard to make invisible in the first place. But at the same time, make her own SOS beacon a lighthouse among flashlights all while doing it under Phillip’s nose and off his radar, and off The Agency’s radar.

Meanwhile Violet came back into her office’s bathroom just in time to hear Phillip calling for her once he came into her office, “redressed” in her original clothes she had been wearing before.

“Yes Phillip?” Violet asked as she held her lower belly, pretending to have just had a huge bowel movement.

“Oh, there you are. I apologize for having company earlier and not letting you have freedom of speech in front of her.” Phillip began.

“Thank you.” Violet said simply as she took her seat behind her desk.

“But now that you’re here, I take it I’m free to speak to you now?” Violet posed.

“Yes of course.” Phillip agreed as he took a seat on the other side of her desk.

“About the new suit's possible release for The Agency. I will insist that we bring Edna Mode on onboard, otherwise no Super will have anything to do with it for fear of offending her and Edna Mode is a dangerous enemy. I will take on a thousand Dragon Eyes before I piss her off and you should have the same fearful respect for her that I do, to do otherwise is to court death and social suicide in this business. Edna has been designing super-suits since supers became a phenomenon and into popularity for the last 40 years, every Super, hero and villain alike has always used Edna. She is one of a kind and she’s neutral. This will feel like a betrayal and it will feel like we’re “stealing” this from her. And if The Agency pushes this on their Supers, that will mean that the only Supers to use her will be villains and that’s a recipe for disaster. Also my suit that Mr. Pine designed, was designed with me specifically in mind, specifically for dealing with Dragon Eye. The suit's capabilities will not be available should anyone else try to put it on. So unless you plan on cloning me, which I will never agree to, it won’t work. However, let’s say Mr. Pine does devise a way to get other suits to mimic what mine can do. Do you really think that’s a good idea to hand over truly invisible suits to an Agency that could hold the entire world hostage? The Agency already controls every Hero practically world wide. Or worse yet, if just one suit falls into the wrong hands and gets replicated, every enemy now has a way to waltz into any building, into any place they wanted to and kill you or me or anyone else without a trace. One of me in the world is dangerous enough. Imagine ten of me, a hundred of me, an army of me but without my moral compass and without my ethics. There could be thousands, millions even. All invisible, all uncontrollable and pure chaos and disaster. And all of it would have your fingerprints. Can you imagine the already delicate stock market crashing and sending the whole world into a recession that we’ve never seen before? Is making a few million off of new suits for The Agency worth all your billions that you already have?” Violet posed skeptically.

“Well, when you put it like that, no.” Phillip realized.

“Now I do agree that Mr. Pine’s new suit does have certain features that would be helpful for every Super that are non power specific. Instead of selling invisible suits. Sell the features that are non power specific, sell them individually and let the Supers and The Agency pick and choose and custom build their own- with of course- Edna’s approval, and Edna's control if she would agree on redesigning anyone’s suit. Also, Edna is used to having 100% of the profits of all super-suits and working all on her own before Jack was born. Mr. Pine made mine for free as a favor to Jack and myself because he’s a good person and because we asked nicely. Well, begged and pleaded because Jack and I are desperate to get Dragon Eye because he’s been on my roster for forever but because of his own powers, no other Super but me will touch him and I would prefer to keep it that way. Dragon Eye has the ability to make people commit suicide, imagine his own army equipped with my suit. Me and every single Super at the Agency would be in danger, including you because you have clearance at The Agency, you’d be just as big of a target that I am. Do you really want to risk it?” Violet posed skeptically as she leaned back into her chair and folded her arms over her chest and crossed her legs and fixed him with a look.

“No.” Phillip decided.

“Then change this in the roster.” Violet said as she handed him her tablet.

“Also you do realize that he would have to go to The Agency and to Edna Mode’s house to work on those super suits and every moment he’s off doing that- he won’t be here working on SEB stuff so his own output for SEB will wane to a degree as will his focus since it will be divided too. However it will prove fruitful in the long run because you’ll have an in with every other Super and you’ll be even father on The Agency’s good side and an even closer bedfellow and the chances of getting premium contracts will grow. It’s just a matter of do you want the money that would usually go straight to your pocket to change hands a few times before it does?” Violet posed.

“I think it's worth it for any profits made with any endeavor with The Agency to change hands and have a chance to multiply before it comes back to me will be sizable.” Phillip answered.

“Fair. But know that you will only have a limited time for that to occur. Because once Mr. Pine is no longer under contract with you, he’ll have his own in with The Agency because of this. He used to be the most powerful and influential non Super before his fall from grace and you effectively took his place. Once he leaves, he may want a bigger piece of their pie. Be prepared to share.” Violet warned.

“Well there’s a lot of time between now and then, and accidents happen, besides you’re his heir apparent, I wouldn’t mind sharing all the pie you wanted with you.” Phillip offered and all Violet could do was huff a laugh and grin crookedly as she just shook her head. Violet would sooner slit his throat before she would slit Barret’s as Phillip mistook the roguish curve of her grin as her delight at the prospect which only made him happy that Violet was still on the ‘murder’ side of things as far as Mr. Pine was concerned. Which meant that if she did get closer to Mr. Pine, it would be purely to undo him and further devastate him in the end. Which meant he could fully trust her with him.

“Also, I noticed that you loosened up the safety protocols for Mr. Pine’s outings. Why?” Violet asked since she had him right there.

“Uh, it was a Raid Day thing. I thought you’d feel better knowing he wasn’t “crawling with spiders” too, besides, I completely trust you with him and I know your specialties, the less “evidence” of any kind of friendly relationship, the less can be used against you, in the case you have to do the deed. However, if you are seen by his friends being with him all the time and getting cozy, that will place you well outside the realm of suspicion to them. Especially since you have more than one connection to them.” Phillip answered and Violet realized Phillip’s trap. He was trying to trap Barret, using herself as bait.

“Ok. Well thank you, that’s very sweet and thoughtful of you, I really appreciate it.” Violet thanked him before a thought occurred to her.

“By any chance, is that why you are hanging onto Miss Cheseray Wilkinson for longer than a weekend? Because if you’re “engaged” with her, that may seem to appear to free me up to get “cozy” with Mr. Pine?” Violet asked as she uncrossed her arms and simply let her arms rest on the armrests of her chair.

“You always were so clever Violet.” Phillip beamed proudly as Violet simply leaned forward on her elbows of her desk as Phillip did the same.

“God you’re despicable.” Violet praised, despite her grin, she wanted to throw up when he leaned across the desk and kissed her. But she swallowed it down, along with her disgust for him. Barret’s life and survival hung in the balance, she needed to protect him. The money- she could care less about, she had more than enough just from The Agency, any money from Phillip was always extra. But for Barret's sake, it would be worth it. But for now, she needed to get Phillip right where she needed him and keep herself above suspicion in order to keep her own head from rolling. She couldn’t protect Barret, let alone anyone else if she was dead. And Phillip still held the power to pull the trigger so to speak. She still needed to finesse the gun from his grasp. And she still needed to figure out a proper trap for him too. One that he would be willing to release Barret from his if it meant his own freedom, much less his own life to be exchanged.

“Well Mr. Pine and myself are barely now only friends, for anything romantic is to happen, it is going to take some serious time and some very convincing measures and greater freedoms for both of us and he will not only have to be enticed, but feel free to pursue me without the fear of any backlash or danger of any kind. And I’ll need it in my contract that no retaliation or counter measures will be taken for any romantic entanglements for either of us because his fear of you may always outweigh any desire he has for me and it is that fear that keeps him in line and behaving for us so we need to balance it. And of course the occasional, if not quite frequent unsupervised time spent while in contract would be most helpful and if any of my enemies become his by association, I can’t be held responsible for that. But at the same time, if anyone is going to take him out, it will be me and me alone that will do it. No one else is to ever interfere and whether he lives or dies, will be a matter that me and only me will ever decide one way or another and who knows, he may prove to be useful to me for many years to come, decades probably, why should we prune a bush just as it begins to flower? Why not let it bloom it’s heart out and enjoy it’s fruits for the long run? Granted you get to enjoy the fruits of his labor for the next two years. I would hate to kill the golden goose before it gets a chance to lay it’s best golden eggs a few years from now? Because while I will inherit everything he has, why not let that bush flower and fruit to its absolute fullest and ripest before it’s harvested?” Violet specified with a flourish of her hands.  

“Oh of course. I absolutely agree with you on that.”

“But again, all of that will take time. Are you patient enough for all of that?” Violet posed.

“Oh don’t worry about me. I won’t grow bored if that’s what you’re worried about. Cheseray will do quite nicely as a good distraction.”

“Well if that distraction ever gets serious, I wouldn't hold that against you Phillip.” Violet cooed, because honestly, Cheseray and the rest of her dance company could take their turns with him, she didn’t give a fuck.

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you.” Phillip reassured her.

“Well, if my hands are going to be full with Mr. Pine for the foreseeable future. I may need help with the position of your handler. And I fear for bigger trips like the ones to Tokyo and Hong Kong and the like, you're going to need an official handler since I’m going to be Mr. Pine’s for those engagements and well every engagement and outing from now on, because closeness does breed fondness after all.” Violet proposed and subtly consciously nodded which got Phillip to nod subconsciously as well.

“Of course, consider this your reassignment to him then. I believe I can enlist others to stand in for your post for the time being while you are otherwise engaged.” Phillip offered.

“Would you like me to arrange for that or did you have someone in mind?” Violet posed curiously.

“Oh I have a few in mind. I’ll take care of it myself. Your hands are already so full from handling Mr. Pine for me. I couldn’t possibly ask for you to find your stand in too.”

“Well if I may make a suggestion?” Violet offered.

“Oh I’m all ears.” Phillip grinned giddily.

“Don’t get Veronica Andrews. She’s a little too strictly business for your tastes and you will lose ground with her for the same things that gained ground with me. May I suggest perhaps a man, who is perhaps- familiar, accepting and incredibly accommodating for all of your needs who will use the same foresight and thoughtfulness I possess and will pleasantly surprise you?” Violet offered.

“Oh do go on.” Phillip urged her.

“He has a bit of a wild reputation and may have been in a scandal or two himself. But, he should be a good fit for you. His name is Leopold Traeger. Also known as Mysterio.” Violet recommended.

“Really? Mysterio?” Phillip posed.

“Most think he’s just a second rate Super, but those in the know- know differently. He’ll be perfect for what you need him for.” Violet cooed.

“Then I will take your recommendation.” Phillip grinned which got Violet to smile victoriously.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lunch date with Mirage. I’ll need all the insights and tidbits I can possibly harvest from her.” Violet excused herself as she got up and smoothed out her skirt.

“Oh of course, please do send her my best.” Phillip offered as he mirrored her.

“One last kiss then, besides, I would hate to be the reason you and Cheseray were to ever have a disagreement, let alone an argument or for her to feel any kind of jealousy towards me or feel threatened by me and our closeness. I can’t go ruining your relationships can I?” Violet cooed as she gave him one last kiss. Kissing the last of any emotional attachment with him goodbye with it.

“Goodbye Phillip, or should I say, Mr. Sebastian?” Violet slipped back into her handler voice as she sauntered away.

“Goodbye Ms. Parr.” Phillip called after her wistfully.

Violet went to Luigiano’s for lunch early and happily realized that Tali had already made a reservation under Octavia for a private booth. The restaurant was owned by The Seven Kings Mafia, so there was absolutely no cameras or listening devices and there were completely enclosed private booths in one of the private dining rooms that were bulletproof and sound proof and if you needed to discuss any kind of business, Luigiano’s is where you went. Plus they had one of Metroville’s best wine selections and the staff that worked in the kitchens turned out some of the best Italian food in the area that was on par with any Italian grandmother's cooking mostly because the kitchen was full of real grandmothers from all over Italy that were brought over by the seven families that made up the Seven Kings of the Seven King's Mafia and you had to be an important somebody to even be on the list of guests allowed to make reservations and thankfully both Violet and Natalia were on that list. Violet sat down and ordered her favorite wine and some antipastos before Natalia came a few moments later, turning heads like she always did, because even after being a mother of two, her figure had morphed from slim and trim to dangerously curvy but still undeniably sexy and Natalia was still a head turner wherever she went, wearing one of her more couture outfits and looking more like a mob boss’ wife more than anything before she was shown to her booth before her own order was taken then the doors of the booth were closed and secured as Violet and her happily dug into the antipastos that had been delivered already.

“Violet Darling, I was surprised to get a call from you, what’s going on?” Tali asked.

“What do you make of this?” Violet asked as she handed Tali her tablet as Tali took it and read through what was on it before she let it set on the table and got her glass of wine and began to drink it before she looked back down at it, holding the chilled glass of wine to her cheek as he cheeks flushed as she stared down at it as she did her best to school her features to stay composed as Violet could still see the real fear behind her gorgeous green eyes.

“It’s one hell of a trap.” Tali noted.

“I know. It’s a trap for Mr. Pine, I’m the bait.” Violet offered before Tali shook her head no.

“No, you have that backwards Dear. Mr. Pine is the bait, you’re the prey. This is a give. The real question is- what is Phillip taking?” Tali asked.

“Phillip still thinks I’ll kill Mr. Pine at my earliest convenience.” Violet answered.

“Nope, that’s not it. That was a term already agreed upon and understood under the previous terms. These are new terms. Which means new stakes. This is the give, what is the take?” Tali repeated emphatically.

“My sanity?” Violet guessed. “I told him about the creepy crawly spiders. He agreed to kill them for me and that Mr. Pine is like a big can of Raid to me. Phillip hasn’t killed them yet, but he put them to sleep for now.” Violet revealed.

“No. That’s not it. Did Phillip propose? And more importantly did you accept because this is a big “leap of faith and trust” there’s no way Phillip would take this leap, without either knowing for certain that you will catch him, or, more importantly, know for certain that his leverage against you outweighs this, it’s like gambling, and he’s the house, the house is always going to win and this is your first pay out. But there’s no way you get to leave the casino. It’s way too early and the night is way too young, again, what are the stakes, what is the take? The real take? Are you going to be Mrs. Sebastian?” Tali asked plainly.

“No, uh, in fact he has a new squeeze in order to free me up for Mr. Pine.” Violet answered.

“Well it’s clear he’s “loaning you out” like a pimp trading hoes or an exhibit at a museum. What is Phillip taking to keep you loyal to him? To keep you obedient and in line? What is more precious to you than your heart that Phillip knows you'd give up everything to keep safe?” Tali urged her.

“Jack.” Violet breathed in horror as that realization hit her like a brick to the face.

“It was Jack who came to SEB to redesign the suit. It’s Jack who has been working with Edna on Dragon Eye. But Jack is at home, Jack would know if there’s spiders at home or at school and Jack is so far- immune. Unless... Phillip found a way to make himself more potent. Oh God. I told Phillip he needed a new handler while I was “reassigned”. I suggested Mysterio because Mysterio would be able to give Phillip all the freedoms he wants, without too many constrictions of ethics or morals, much less codes or laws. Mysterio has had issues with drugs in the past. If Phillip gets ahold of...any number of things he’ll be too strong. Even for me. Maybe even for Jack or my parents, or anyone.” Violet realized.

“I gotta go.” Violet realized as she took the tablet back and got her things together.

“Thank you for lunch, sorry to eat and run, I gotta…”

“Just go.” Tali waived her off as Violet quickly walked out of the restaurant, doing everything in her power not to cry in public as panic whirled in her chest and she went straight to Jack’s school and had him come to the office while she did her best to wait patiently for him to come before Jack came into the office in confusion before he looked into the office to see Violet before his eyes got wide to see her expression.

“What’s wrong?” Jack asked.

“Oh, uh, you have an appointment with Dr. Pine today that Mom forgot to call the school and let them know you had.” Violet offered.

“Oh yeah, uh, let me go get my backpack.” Jack said as Violet went with him and ordered her secret bike to meet her at a doctor’s office where she managed to find- a Dr. Pine on staff. He was an orthopedic surgeon, who specialized in pediatrics. Perfect. 

“What’s going on?” Jack whispered.

“Phillip changed the stakes. We need to strategize with Barret.” Violet urged him.

“Shit.” Jack cursed under his breath.

“That was fast. We were just there for the weekend, we left Sunday afternoon, it hasn't been 24 hours since we last left. How did he change it so fast?” Jack asked in a hushed whisper as he got back to his locker and got his stuff along with work from his teacher before he followed Violet out of his school.

“Read this.” Violet said as she handed Jack her tablet as she drove like the wind to the doctor’s office as she checked her phone to see where her bike was en-route to her.

“I just got done with lunch with Tali, she said that since I’m not officially engaged to Phillip, that that is the give and asked what the take is. I think because you were at SEB, that Phil plans on taking you as leverage against me. I don’t know when or how, but you need to make sure that at school and especially at home, that it’s spider free. But since I officially got reassigned, I suggested Mysterio as my replacement. Mysterio has a history with drugs, more-so with weed than coke but I wouldn’t put it past him. If Phillip gets back on coke- he’ll get too strong, even for me and I’m afraid even for you.” Violet insisted.

“Yup, that tracks.” Jack nodded in agreement before she parked her car and hit a remote on her keys before an enclosed motorcycle slid it’s enclosure back as Violet quickly changed into a pant suit so she could ride the bike astride as Jack got on it with her and got the second helmet and put it on before he hung onto his sister tightly from behind her on the bike and rode with Violet back to SEB in the cloaked bike, weaving through all the traffic, like a thread through a tapestry and once in the SEB parking lot, Violet enveloped through her forcefield as she ran into the building, phasing though the walls and such to get to Barret’s lab before she got Jack safely into Barret’s bathroom before she went up to Barret and tapped his arm three times before he lifted his head and took the cue and went into the bathroom and blinked in surprise to see Jack in there before the three of them were enveloped into Violet’s forcefield.

“Ok, now what’s going on?” Barret asked before Violet repeated what had happened with Phillip and then again with Tali as both Barret and Jack had to sit on the floor as Violet sat with them as all three of them simply held their heads in their hands as they sat cross legged on the floor in a triangle.

“How do we get out of this?” Jack asked.

“Other than in a casket.” Barret specified.

“Or me in a wedding dress answering to Mrs. Sebastian for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be.” Violet groaned as she raked her nails over her scalp.

“Wait.” Jack breathed in softly as an idea bloomed in his head.

“Is there a way to measure someone’s individual brain wavelengths, like a taking a stamp of a fingerprint. And is there a way we can inject, something like a dye, like the kind of dye they inject you with when you have an MRI, but it can stick to foreign wavelengths, like dusting for fingerprints, but on the brain, to see if Phillip has had his “fingerprints” on other brains. Like I know Violet’s brain is going to look like a joint passed around at a party.” Jack began which got Violet and Barret to snort a laugh at his allegory. But he had a great idea.

“But if we can find actual evidence of this suicide seed. It should show up right? And even if it got removed, there might be evidence, like the water stains left behind in a flower vase. It’s worth a shot right?” Jack offered.

“Definitely.” Barret readily agreed.

“And if we can make it so that once it’s found, the dye can act like nonstick spray on a pan, to keep any further ‘fingerprinting’ from happening to the brain itself but make his efforts still show up?” Violet ventured as Jack and Violet looked to Barret hopefully.

“In theory yeah, but it would take images and I need Phillip’s biometric data. And that’s not going to be easy to get.” Barret began.

“Well, we’ve used Dragon Eye as our cover so far, I’d have offed myself already if Phillip knew he was really Dragon Eye. We can use that as our in. We can use the Agency and I can get you set up with passcodes and ways to use The Agency’s databases and super computers so that you can work on stuff that even Phillip can’t see and we can hide it in plain sight because anything secret or top secret or whatever Phillip always likes to poke his nose into. We can even use your cipher to code it. Make it so that IRize and your other companies can get read into it and at least they can keep a second copy of it as a back up and Jack, I hate to do this to you so but get you another back up, keep it with Edna, no one in their right mind would go after her or invade her space, they’d be making an enemy with every Super world wide on both sides.” Violet mused.

“Yeah, that works.” Jack said before Violet got a nosebleed.

“Fuck, I’ve used too much of my powers today, we gotta cut this short. Jack I gotta get you back and get you off at home.” Violet realized as she grabbed some toilet paper to stuff it into her nose to stop the bleeding as Buddy noticed that the blood itself seemed to pulse in and out of invisibility within the tissue, like a cuttlefish strobing it’s lights and colors which he thought was peculiar.  

“Ok,” Jack readily agreed before Violet got Jack back and managed to hack into the real Dr. Pine’s medical computers to fake a note for Jack before her bike drove itself back to her secret hideout apartment before Violet took Jack home and lied to her parents about how she had made the doctor’s appointment for Jack because he was complaining of pain in his feet because the real Dr. Pine was an orthopedic surgeon and they were getting a consultation.

Then Violet returned to work as usual and went to check in with Phillip for the evening check in and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw someone with Mysterio in Phillip’s office.

White Lightning- none other than her brother, one Dash Parr.

Fuck. Wrong brother. It wasn’t necessarily Jack that was the take. It was Dash.

[daybreak-delusion]

Chapter 5

Introduction: Whitney Goodwinson was planning on inheriting one of her deceased grandmother's properties, but not a little house off the coast of North Carolina.  As she struggles to meet new people, fix up her new property, deal with troublemaker JJ Maybank, and perfect her grandmother's infamous lemonade she might just find that the Outer Banks has more to offer than it seems.

Series Masterlist

Turns out JJ had been working at the “Lemon House” since he was 12 years old. The local kids had apparently been calling it that since before the dawn of time. The house belonged to Grandmother and her family, it was the only property that had ever been completely hers. During the summertime to make extra money, they would sell fresh-squeezed lemonade. I hadn't noticed it before but in the trees to the right of the house was a small greenhouse with a lemon tree grove inside. After Grandmother married Grandfather she would only come for the month of July and her lemonade stand would be packed. JJ said that it was the best months when “Vicky” would come stay at the house and make fresh lemonade for all of the kids. Apparently, the house was “neutral territory” from the two sides of the island, Figure Eight and the Cut. Figure Eight was home to the Kooks, the rich side of Outer Banks. Apparently, Kooks are stuck up, rich, ruthless brats who never had to work a day in their lives.

“You’d fit right in with them, sunshine,” JJ laughed reaching for another beer out of the ice chest. We were sitting on the dock in front of the Lemon House. After our little confrontation, JJ made another joke about my ass, and then I decided he was alright. Grandmother trusted him, so I trust him. Grandmother had a way of figuring people out. Some called her two-faced but she was just trying to survive. So I decided to give JJ and myself a break by day drinking. I honestly hated controlling people, who didn’t deserve it of course and just wanted to test JJ and see how he would react. 

“Please you don’t even know me,” I stated, sipping some of my beer which had gotten a little warm. I still couldn't believe the heat of this place, it was excruciating. 

“We could fix that you know, get to know each other a little better. I could even think of a few boning exercises we could, uh, participate in,” said JJ with another smirk. He’d been making these kinds of jokes all day and it was getting old. The first few times I felt something in the pit of my stomach, but then realized this is just probably how JJ acted all the time.  

“Ha, ha no thank you. Please continue your East Egg, West Egg story.” 

“I still don’t get your references, but whatever. So the Kooks think that they own the whole island just because they can use their daddies money to buy anything they want.”

“Ew.”

“Ew?”

“Yeah ew that’s gross, why would their parents let them do that? They won't learn anything about the real world and hard work if they piggyback on their parents' wealth.” 

“What and you’re not like that, miss ‘this is my house, my rules,’” said JJ mimicking my voice to sound like a prepubescent boy. 

“Oh shut up, I was just seeing if you would pass the test.” 

“Oh what test, you just wanted an excuse to get close to me.”

“Shut up and finish your story!” I said impatiently. 

“Nuh not until you explain your ‘hard work makes you a better person’ bullshit.”

“Hey hard work does make you a better person, look my family is very well off, obviously, who just gives away houses, but when I turned 18 I was on my own, cut off from my parents and grandparents money. My grandfather grew up in a small mountain town in California with a population of maybe 500 people. During the wintertime, these rich families would come and stay at these fancy resorts where he was a waiter. He worked at that place for eight years. He worked his ass off through college and medical school where he showed he had talent, not because of his parents’ bank account or by how many boats he owned, but by pure talent and it paid off. He had it all: a beautiful wife, three children, and a whole lot of money. Then when my aunt turned 18, she was cut off and had to start over just like he did, but my grandfather taught her and the rest of his children about hard work and dedication. My father taught me the same morals, so growing up while my boarding school friends got to go to parties all the time and go to Vegas for three day weekends I was working as our librarian's assistant. 

“Wait, you went to boarding school?” 

“Really that’s what you got from my story, really?” 

“Yeah pretty much also you were a librarian?”

“I was an assistant librarian, anyways you still need to finish your story! You already told me about the Soches I need to know who the Greasers are.” 

“Are you even speaking English? Anyways the other side of the island, The Cut, is home of the Pogues, the greatest people in the world,” he said with a smirk.

“Oh I’m sure.”

“Anyways we’re basically the bottom of the barrel, low life troublemakers according to everyone else. I don’t really mind it. I like the life I live and wouldn't change it for the world. We get to do what we want whenever we want” 

“Hm sounds nice, but what are your plans for the future” 

“Honestly I thought I would be in jail at this point,” he said completely honestly.

“You’re joking.”

“No, I’m not! I mean two years ago there was this hurricane and some friends and I kinda caught a break and stumbled upon a treasure hunt kinda thing that was supposed to change everything, but it turned out to be a bust,” he said sipping more of his beer. He had a sad look in his eyes so I decided to hold back my Goonies joke and changed the subject. 

“So, Pogues basically live like there's no tomorrow?”

“Yeah, basically. After this summer things are gonna change though.” 

“Why’s that?”

“Well my friends and I all graduated, some are even going to college, but me and my friend John B are just gonna work for a while.”  

“Wait, you graduated high school?” I joked 

“Yeah, I’m not as stupid as I look”

“You sure about that?”

“You’ve known me for, what, a day? Even less? You don’t know me,” he had a satisfied look on his face so I decided to keep my observations to myself. There were still some holes to fill, but I had a pretty good idea of who JJ Maybank was. I was guessing a single household and judging by his crude behavior and drinking habit he probably lived with his father. Past tense, of course, the way he talked about his friend John B’s house made it seem like it was his as well. What I really didn’t want to bring up was the obvious abuse from his father. From the way, he joked, didn’t care about his future, and faded scars suggested that he had either gone to war or had an abusive relative. If he was smart he would go into the Army or the Navy to do something with his life, but JJ seemed more free-spirited than that. So for now I guess he’ll mow Grandmother's lawn. 

“Ha, you’d be surprised how well I can read people,” just then I got the dreaded text saying that Rafe was picking me up in 20 minutes, “ugh I have to go get ready for dinner before you go can you tell me your work schedule?” 

“Oh right yeah,” I wanted to believe that there was disappointment in his eyes, but quickly pushed those thoughts down, “Um I usually mow the lawn once a week, trim the hedges every other week, and weed the garden and pick lemons every other day” 

“What have you been doing with the lemons?” 

“Oh I just take them to the farmers market and sell them”

“Ah, so you’re stealing from my property now?” I teased. 

“Oh no, no it’s not like that I just didn't want them to go to waste I mean I didn't-” 

“JJ it’s okay I’m glad you didn’t just throw them away and put them to good use”

“I tried making her lemonade, but it just didn’t seem right,” he said with a sad tone. I really hoped he was being genuine.  

“Oh well, maybe we can try it again? I’d like to continue the tradition for now. Anyways keep to your regular work schedule and I’ll make up a new one for you by the end of this week. Would you be willing to help out with maintenance work? I’d pay you extra.”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds great and I think I can do that” 

“Okay perfect, when will I see you again?”

“Well I’m free tonight if you want to practice those bonding exercises?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows and smirking like a fool. A cute fool. Stop it, Whitney! 

“I meant your work schedule dumb-ass, when will you be by again to pull the weeds?” 

“Oh um what day is it again?” 

“It’s Friday.” 

“Oh then I’ll be here tomorrow” 

“Alright see you then,” I said, extending my hand for him to shake. 

“Yeah, um see you then,” JJ awkwardly took my hand like it was a dead fish. 

“Is that really how you shake a person’s hand?” 

“Sorry, you just caught me off guard, who shakes hands anymore?”

“Professionals do JJ, next time I extend my hand to you better have a proper handshake”

“I’m on it your majesty,” he said as he saluted me. 

“Goodbye JJ,” I finally said walking back up the stone path.

“Good luck in Kook Land Whitney,” He yelled to me, smiling like a fool. 

It was the first time he had actually said my name and I had to say I liked the way it sounded. 

I quickly got ready for what was going to be the most awkward dinner of my life. Since I didn’t have time to shower or anything (gross) I pulled my hair back into a sleek bun and pinned up any loose hairs. For make-up, I put on my normal country club look and slipped on a white babydoll dress. I kept jewelry simple small diamond studs, with a matching bracelet, and a silver chain necklace with a wave pendant. The necklace was a gift from Grandmother, the last thing she gave me in person. She said that it was special to her and that it would bring me good karma. A lot of good it was doing now, I was on a divided island and was about to have dinner with a bunch of robots. Just then I got a text: 

Rafe: I’m outside when you’re ready 

A true gentleman.

The drive in Rafe’s truck was silent except for the music playing from a local music station. As we drove through Figure Eight I couldn't help but look at all of the beautiful houses. They were huge compared to the small cottage that I was currently living in. They weren't as big as the mansion my parents had just inherited or even my childhood home, but they were beautiful. We drove along a long driveway that came open to the Island Club. When Rafe finally spoke he told me that the club was also a hotel. It looked like it was out of a fairy tale with its peaked roofs and white windows. We pulled into the valet and a man in a white button-down shirt opened the door for me. I was half expecting Rafe to offer me his arm, but he just trudged ahead. We came to a big dining hall where other rich and important families sat. The Camerons were sitting by the front of the dining hall at a rectangle-shaped table next to a ceiling to floor window. It was dusk and the sun was just starting to set outside. It was weird not seeing the sun sink into the ocean, but the sky looked amazing. I was pulled from the stunning view of Rose Carmen's caked face. 

“Whitney! You look exquisite in that dress,” said Rose standing up to greet me with a hug. She was sitting to the right of Ward who was at the head of the table Next to Rose was a young teenage girl with glasses and dark hair. To Ward’s left sat a girl who looked about my age. She had long straight hair that I would die for and tan skin. She held an uninterested look on her face that told me this was the last place she wanted to be.

“You are too kind Mrs. Cameron, I simply cannot compare to your family tonight,” was my rebuttal to the compliment. I wasn't lying this time, the Camerons were a good looking family. I noticed the sour look on one of Rose’s daughters, wait, step-daughter, as she rolled her eyes at me. 

“Oh honey please just call me Rose and you are too kind,” she sat back down and gestured to an empty chair on the other side of the table. I nodded to Ward and took a seat next to the older looking sister and Rafe sat at the other head of the table. 

“Whitney I’d like to introduce you to the rest of our family, this is Wheezie,” she said gesturing to the glasses-wearing girl to her right. 

“It’s nice to meet you Wheezie,” I said, trying to keep the shock/amusement out of my voice. 

“And this is Sarah,” continued Rose now looking at the girl that was seated to my right, unaware of my struggle to stay professional, “I believe you two are the same age.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, Sarah,” I said, turning to look at the girl trying to be nice. I really did want to try and make friends, even if I was only gonna be here for the summer. 

“Likewise,” replied Sarah. Yup, she definitely wanted to be somewhere else. 

“So Whitney, how are takin’ to the OBX?” Ward asked me. Ah so, the interrogation began. 

“It’s been nice. It’s a lot more humid than California, but I think I’ll get used to it” 

“About California, has your family lived there very long?” interrupted Rose, causing a look from Ward.

“Yes, my father’s company headquarters is in San Diego so I’ve lived there all my life.” 

“San Diego?” Sarah surprisingly interrupted, “that’s where SeaWorld is right?”

“Oh that must be so fun to go too, seeing all of those fish and dolphins,” Rose added innocently. Sarah gave her a look of disappointment and was waiting for my answer with anticipation as if this question would shift the way the rest of the night went. I’d have to be careful with my words. 

“Um yes, it is, however my family and I are not supportive of the company. The captivating of Killer Whales is a huge controversy where I’m from. I don’t believe that those creatures should be held in captivity.” There was a pause of silence. 

“That’s really interesting Whitney,” said Rose, not sounding interested at all.

“Thank you, Rose,” I continued pretending I ignored her dull sounding voice, “the abuse of sea life for public enjoyment is not discussed enough in our society. My father's company has donated annually to charities in support of taking care of these issues.” 

“Ah yes interesting indeed,” said Ward taking a long drink of his scotch. I knew it was time to change the subject. 

“So Mr. Cameron do you like fishing?” 

The rest of the night went like this, chatting back and forth about the weather, food, and other things to do in the Outer Banks. The food was amazing: a three-course meal of an appetizer, entree, and dessert. The conversation at the table was basically just Rose, Ward, and me. Rafe would make a few comments when we would talk about fishing and Sarah would bring up the best beaches to go to for tanning. 

“Do you by any chance know of any good beaches for surfing?” I asked. I had been dying to get back in the water and the internet only suggested the most popular beaches. I figured a local would know of the best spots.

“Oh um I’m not really an expert on those beaches, but I have some friends who would know some good places!” said Sarah, at the mention of Sarah’s friends the rest of the table fell silent, “here give me your number and I’ll text you when the next time they go out!” She handed me her phone and I put my number in.

“Thank you so much! My board should be coming on Monday, so anytime after that, I’ll be free,” I said, handing her phone back to her. 

“Cool, how long have you been surfing?” 

“All my life basically, my mother grew up surfing and taught me at a young age and I’ve been surfing ever since” 

“Awesome!”

“Anyways girls we should get going, Whitney, it was so nice to catch up with you,” said Rose coming around the table to give me another hug. 

“Oh the pleasure was all mine,” I said standing up, “it was so nice to get acquainted with you all.”

“Oh, Whitney you must come by our house for brunch some time!”

“Yeah we'll see,” I said trying to lean towards the door not planning on taking her up on the offer.

“Alright Rafe take Whitney home and we’ll see you-“

“Actually,” interrupted Sarah, “I was thinking I could take Whitney home? She’s been hanging out with Rafe all afternoon and she needs some girl time.” 

She said it as if her parents had already agreed to let her take me home. Before they could say another word Sarah took my hand and pulled me out of the Country Club. 

“Goodbye!” I cried out as Sarah almost pulled my arm out of my socket and out of the restaurant. 

a/n: A little longer chapter and I wont be posting again today :( . Also who didn’t think Wheezies name was kinda ridiculous like I hope I’m not the only one. I’m going to start uploading longer chapters from now on because I just can’t wait for you guys to read more! Thanks again for reading it really means a lot and I’d love your feedback! 

Edit: Also next update will be Monday!

[shakespeareanwannabe]

Engineering the Future

Hi everyone! So this is my second Supernatural fic, the first one I cross-posted here on Tumblr, though I have written a couple of other things on this wonderful series. So here’s the thing: this is a bit of a project that I’ve been working on to keep myself writing even when I feel like I have nothing to say.

So here’s the deal: I’m going to write one one-shot per episode. Multiple friends say that I’m driving myself to drink, but so far it’s been fairly smooth sailing. If you guys have any ideas about certain episodes, I’d be happy to hear them, but know that I’ve got a list of prompts for three quarters of the episodes, so I may not write your prompt. But I’d love to hear your ideas. Just, no Wincest or Destiel because I honestly don’t ship either of them (no hate please, it’s just the way I feel. And no, I don’t hate anyone who does ship them). Just brotherly love here!

This chapter is tagged to episode 1x01, Pilot. Hope you all enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. This is a work of fiction based on characters from The CW’s Supernatural, created by Eric Kripke.

To completely plagiarize someone else, “Being his real brother I could feel I lived in his shadows, but I never have and I do not now. I live in his glow.” Who said that? Why was his relationship with his brother so important? Doesn’t matter. This isn’t about him. This is about them, and the moments we don’t get to see.

*****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****

Dean had imagined this day since that balmy July evening when a rickety tin door had slammed shut and seemingly separated his family forever.

Depending on his mood, there were several different scenarios that would play out. When he was at the bottom of his third bottle, he would imagine showing up at his front door, having him open the door, stare at him, then shut it again without a word. The second bottle was kinder, allowing them to pass on the streets, perhaps nodding at each other before the one went on with his normal life, leaving the other to thank a God that he didn’t believe in that he had at least seen him one last time. The first bottle didn’t give him enough hope to even attempt to dream up a reunion with his little brother.

The fourth bottle was Dean’s favourite. He would get an excited phone call and drive all the way to Stanford just so that Sam could tell him he was getting married face to face. They would settle into a table at some hoity-toity bar or into a booth at some frou-frou café and would talk as though no time had passed. The natural lighting would fade to black and neither of them would move. Topics of conversation would wax and wane until they found themselves in the same companionable silence that graced the majority of their childhood together.

Sam would eventually sigh sadly and mutter something about having to be in court early the next morning, to which Dean would make a crude joke that would have Sam blushing behind the ears as he laughed. Dean would walk him to his car and deal with the chick-flicky hug bestowed upon him by a drunk and/or over-caffeinated Little Brother. As they pull apart, Sam would get all shy and red again as he stammered through saying that he hoped Dean would be his Best Man (because screw this Brady kid that introduced the happy couple). Dean would laugh, hug his brother, completely deny the tears in his eyes, and say “Who else could fill those shoes, bitch?”

Dean would hang around in California for a couple of months and relish in being stationary for the first time since he was four. He would meet Jessica, automatically start calling her Jessie, and plan a small bachelor party for Sammy and his college pals before taking his kid brother on a kick ass, blow out ‘Brochelor’ party in Vegas to make up for every birthday, Christmas, and any other calendar holiday that they had missed out on. On the day of the wedding he would straighten out his brother’s tie, all the while denying that he had asked the guy at the store how to do so. He would give the kid the picture of Mom that he carried around in his wallet with the explanation that she needed to be there with him on this day. He would stand up next to his little brother during the ceremony, give the most awesome speech ever written during the reception, and dance with his new sister-in-law when the time came.

While he and the other, less important guests waved the happy couple off (he had even given them the Impala to borrow for their honeymoon road trip up the Pacific Coast Highway) he would get a phone call from Dad, saying that he had finally pinned down the son of a bitch who had killed Mom, and that he needed his son there with him. Dean would hotwire a car and go. He’d stand side-by-side with his father as they ganked the sucker, turn, and shake his father’s hand before walking away from the life.

He’d stand hat in hand on Sam’s doorstep when they returned from their honeymoon, praying that his baby brother still had room for his older, less intelligent but far more handsome brother in his new married life. Sam would laugh and pull him into a hug, ensuring him that of course he would always need his big brother. After all, he and Jessie apparently hadn’t come home from their month-long vacation on their own, and this kid was gonna need a really cool uncle to bitch at when his/her parents were giving them a hard time. Any nephew of his was gonna be educated in the ways of the Impala, rock music, and the Dean Winchester Scale of Burger Perfection. Any niece of his would also be educated in these things, but he would need to be there more for Sam when the boys came snooping around, because what was more intimidating than two guys over 6-feet tall who had marksmen’s abilities?

Dean would maybe become a cop, or a mechanic, or maybe even a firefighter, but one thing he would do for sure is protect his family. He’d gank any evil bastard that came within a thousand miles of that two story, white picket fenced house on Normal Boulevard.

Maybe he’d settle down, maybe not. All that was important to him was that his Sammy was happy.

That was all that would ever matter to him.

So, when it came down to it, Dean would have traded everything he had for it to have not happened like this. Never like this.

*****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****

Sam had imagined this day since that first night alone at Stanford.

At first, he’d dreamed that Dean would show up, kick his roommate out, and curl up in the twin bed approximately six feet away from him. Dean would go to the registrar and apply to the school and get in, obviously, because his big brother was a genius. He’d probably take engineering, because Dean could do things with machinery that Sam could never have dreamed about. They’d watch each other’s backs on and off campus, and when one of the dorm rooms ended up being haunted, they’d take care of it, as though they had never been off the job. Dean would go on to open his own body shop, while working side projects like helping to rebuild homes for people who lost them in fires or natural (and supernatural) disasters. Sam would become a kick ass lawyer and help the law protect people. He’d help Dean on the weekends at the shop or with the houses, because they were brothers and why wouldn’t he? They’d still go out and watch the stars when they could, and they’d make sure to go to the first game of every season for the Jayhawks. They’d make a weekend of it. Just Sam, Dean, and the Impala. Of course, Jess would be fine with it. She’d love Dean as much as he did, because what wasn’t there to love? Eventually, he and Jess would get married and Dean would be his Best Man (even though Brady would throw a fit about it, but Dean was right, he was better off without douchebags like Brady in his life), then go on to be the best uncle to the kids they would have. Dean would meet a nice girl and they’d settle down too, and soon it would be Winchester Weekends, filled with barbeques and Little League games and dance recitals and tinkering with the Impala while drinking a cold one together and hiding from their wives and kids.

A few months in, the dream changed. One of the kids in Sam’s classes had a brother in the military, who surprised her by showing up during lecture wearing his fatigues and announcing that he had been honorably discharged and was staying home for good. She’d broken down into tears and hugged him until the professor had just wiped his eyes and dismissed the class, claiming that he didn’t want to bring the room down by talking about the Battle of Yorktown in 1781.

Sam started imagining that something similar would happen to him. Dean and Dad would kill the thing that had killed Mom, then Dean would stroll right into his Economics class wearing his torn jeans, steel toed boots, band shirt and leather jacket (the uniform of one of the longest living hunters out there, and the youngest to boot), acting as though he owned the joint. Sam would launch himself into his brother’s arms, not even minding that that cute girl Jessica sat only a few rows behind him, and bury his face in his brother’s shoulder to hide his tears. Dean would clasp him around the back of his neck and whisper that he and Dad had gotten the damned thing, and that he was quitting the life. Dad would keep hunting with Uncle Bobby, Pastor Jim, and Caleb as back up when needed, but he was out.

Dean would help him hook up with Jessica, because he had seen the way they looked at each other, and Dean couldn’t stand the lovesick puppy dog eyes anymore, then the rest of the daydream would stay the same. Engineering, lawyering, cars, court cases, house building, Jayhawks, star gazing, the Impala, wives, kids, all culminating in the two of them sitting side by side at some Old Folks Home, the lines between what they knew and what the world knew blurred by old age and one too many hard knocks to the head courtesy of any one of monsters of the week that they used to hunt. They’d sit on the front porch, drinking whatever alcohol they could get their hands on, loudly debating the proper way to kill a wendigo (Sam would say iron because he knows his big brother’s mind is fading and he needs him to stick around a while longer because Jess was already gone and he wasn’t quite ready to go and he doesn’t want to be left alone, not again).

No matter which scenario he dreamt up (defending Dean in court, forcing him into retirement when a werewolf gets the better of him and his left leg is basically useless so Sam brings him home with him, or even something as simple as Sam just picking up the phone and asking him to visit (because it’s DEAN, and there’s nothing he won’t do for his little brother, and Sam knows it), there was one common thread that remained the same, and that was that the time they had spent apart held no consequences. They would just fall back into being brothers, knowing that if they were back to back or side by side they would be fine.

That’s why, when Dean bursts through the bedroom door and drags him out of the burning brownstone, Sam couldn’t bring himself to fight at full strength. Dean was there. As much as Sam wished it had been any other scenario he had dreamt up (and not the nightmare that had been plaguing him for weeks), he knew that his big brother was there. And since when had there been any problem that Dean couldn’t solve? He could’ve been an engineer, after all.

*****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****     *****

[writhingcreature]

The Entertainment's Here by AJR for Klaus Hargreeves.

So I've never heard this song, and I LOVE IT! Gonna take this lyrics by lyrics so bear with me as I hella jump around.

"But, oh my oh my God the entertainment's here. Everything is suddenly amazing here. Sit back man, relax man."

Okay so when I first heard this line, I thought he was talking about himself which is a good take so let me explore that first.

Klaus hates being serious. He deals with everythng by laughing and preteding there isn't a problem and getting drunk or high or both to block out the trauma and the weight or his power. He's the fun and the lightheartedness in a famly determined to be serious and lame. He probab;y was that kid that everyone got annoyed with constantly, like the whole "Beep beeo Richie" thing where they'd constantly tell him to shut up and roll their eyes. No one takes him seriously... which can actually be really hard to deal with. As time passed, it got harder and harder to stay happy so he began drowning himself in temporary fixes because he honestly believes that his whole family hates him and wouldn't even notice if he disappeared (which... kind of happened) and he's just the comedy relief. That's it.

Second take: the song obviously uses "the entertainment" as the drugs and alcohol, in the context of Klaus Hargreeves. To get a break from thinking and stressing and to finally let loose a little and relax and have a slightly better time, he ignores everything else and falls into the consuming, destructive familiarity of ignorance and dehabilitation, because if he's uncapable of doing anything, no one will ask him to take part in all the hardship and chaos and bad days.

Both hurt oh no my baby

"I used to be distracted by my favorite song. I loved it very much, I made the song my alarm. And now I kind of hate hearing it every morn' - Don't wake up anymore. I don't wanna be bored."

First of all, please imagine with me little Klaus boogying and everyone can't help but smile even after they get annoyed and the song is banned from the house. Even when he's just humming it or replaying it in his head, he's adorale and goofy and it's so refreshing, considering their usual life. Adorable and precious I love it.

But then like Reginald is a fucking dick and goes off on Klauss because he's stressed and what better way to get rid of stress than to burn it by abusing the kids put in his care am I right? (No I'm not right I just needed to clarify: I'm being sarcastic). And suddenly the song is totally ruined and everytime Klaus hears it it gives hi anxiety, even after his dad dies. He doesn't hum anymore, or play songs he likes out loud. He only wears headphones, whih is why he VIBES SO HARD int he first episode, but also why he does it alone. It's nice to be able to dance again, but he also deeply fears being annoying while doing so. Cue: solo dancing, even though he's used to places like clubs where everyone jams together.

"I used to be distracted rolling 'round in the dirt, but recently I'm thinking 'bout my purpose on Earth. But I don't wanna think about my purpose no more, because it may come up short. Man, I hate being bored. I've been thinking, that too much thinking can start me sinking down."

Oh my god Reginald having to round up Klaus and constantly going off about how he's dirtied his clothes. HC that he and Ben used to do a lot of exploring and adventuring and goofing around before Ben's accident, and it was like that scene from those old movies where the old caretaker would go off about how the young girl played with the boys and got her dress dirty and THAT'S NOT HOW LADIES ACT POLYANNA except Klaus is trying desperately not to laugh.

After Ben passed, Klaus didn't go exploring anymore. Reginald was relieved to see that his lothes were always clean and pressed- dirt and wrinkle free. After Ben died, Klaus spends his time instead wondering if he'll be there for all his siblings' deaths. What his own death will be like. What will happen to Ben if he ever died. What the purpose of his power is if all he does with it is try to turn it off. Imagine him trying to get rid of Ben, and the pain it puts them both through as he screams and cries and begs Ben to disappear but neither boy can get rid of the other, because for some reason they're tied together now.

"You don't even gotta use your brain from here. Just sit back man, relax man."

Oh so um after Dave dies... Klaus spends an unhalthy amount of time thinking about what life would have been like if they'd managed to survive the war and live their lives together, or if Klaus could have somehow figured out a way to bring Dave back safetly to Klaus' time.

He wonders what their house would have been like. What kids they might have adopted, or pets they would have had. What it would have been like to wake up next to Dave in bed as the sun came through the window and Dave's hair is all messy and soft and his arms are curled around Klaus and his face is kind of squished but in this really adorable way. He thinks about maiing meals together, or kissing each other goodbye quickly as they head off to their respective jobs. He thinks about telling Dave about his power and them learning how Klaus can cope with it in a healthy way. He thinks about those times he woke up from nightmares, and wondered what it would have been like to have Dave be there to comfort him. To have Dave to talk to. He wonders if Dave would go exploring with him again like Ben used to. He wonders what the others would have thought about Dave. He wonders how Dave would have gotten along with his family, and Klaus with Dave's. He wonders how much easier the battle of life would have been with someone to fight it by his side...

And then he has to stop thinking because it's just too much.

"I used to be distracted by my burgers and shakes. I'm running out of things that I can do with my day 'cause I can only eat so many times in a day til I'm bored again, and I'm stuck in my brain. You wonder what they did before inventing the phone. Yeah, how could anybody face the quiet alone?"

Okay so you know that diner Five goes to when he first comes back? The one where he fights the dudes and it's to Instnbul and it's like the coolest fucking thing ever? I super HC that they used to go to it together when they were kids. Grace would take them, and it was like a clip from that 80's movie, where people would gawk because oh my god it's the Hargreeves but also no one would interrupt them for the most part because they looked so happy. Sometimes they'd take the food home and have a little party in the kitchen to avoid fans completely, and that's the only time the Hargreeves house was ever full of laughter. Reginald would be gone or too busy to waste time rangling in kids, and it was pure fun and happiness and teasin and joking around.

Then Five disappeared.

Then Ben died.

There wasn't much laughter after that.

"I'd rather be in Vegas than my very own home. Yeah, my cash will be gone, but my mind will be blown"

This is... very straight forward. Yeah imma stop there oof very bad feelings. Fuck Reginald Hargreeves those kids deserves so much better jesus christ

[let-me-love-you-loki]

Waking Up in Vegas--Ch. 25

Chapter 25: The Way You Look at Me

Dean, 10:15 PM, Evening

           “How about, after all of this is over tonight, we go back to the hotel, take a hot shower together, and eat junk food?” I said soothingly, sliding my fingers along the soft skin on the inside of her wrist. Her pulse beat wildly, a strange sort of music that made my blood sing.

           Mera glanced up at me with those amber eyes of hers, the ones that could drag me down into an unfathomable abyss. One that I never wanted to leave. It was the glance that drew me in the first moment we met, they shade and hue that kept me in thrall in a way that I could never understand. She reached up and tugged on the end of her ponytail.

           “That sounds really nice,” she replied, leaning her head against my shoulder. Her fingers settled into place with mine, holding my hand tightly. “If you promise that we can leave first thing in the morning. I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to.”

           I had known, ever since we drove into Davenport the night before, that she was nearly destroyed with anxiety by being anywhere nearby. She was terrified by the thought of running in to Seth’s family or any of their old friends. I could feel it, her sheer and absolute horror—it blurred in my veins, changed the way the air cycled through my lungs. It was an ache in my bones, an ache that I knew had to be a thousand times worse within her.

           “Then let’s drop off the rental car and just fly home. Nobody needs us until Friday anyway.”

           She glanced up, tears glittering on her lashes like diamonds. That beast in my chest reared up, roaring in desperation to protect her, to stop the pain and hurt that had somehow gotten past me to her. I brushed my thumb beneath her eyes, wiping away the tears gathered there. My heart thudded angrily, sadly, desperately. All I wanted was to take her away from everything that hurt her. If I could, I would carry her away to a place for just the two of us… where we could be together in peace without her past chasing her like ghosts.

           “Every time I think I’ve figured you out, you surprise me, Dean Ambrose,” she murmured, a half smile on her face.

           It was enough to lift my soul. To bring it into a place of something like peace and joy.

Mera, 10:20 PM, Evening

           Just looking at his cornflower eyes made me feel as if the world could find itself right again. He had this way about him, this sense that permeated everything around him until there was nothing left but peace. It was one of the many things I loved about him. No matter what happened, I could find the center of the world in the circle of his arms.

           “What do you mean by that, Mera?” he said, his lips curling up in a smile that still made my heart want to burst.

           I looked up at him, wondering if the day would come when the sight of him didn’t take my breath away. “You are the kindest, sweetest, most wonderful man I’ve ever met. And I’m so lucky to be your wife.”

           Those blue eyes blurred as he blinked rapidly, trying to hide the fact that he was tearing up. “I’ve been lucky since the day I met you.”

           Leaning up, I pressed a kiss against his lips. “I love you, Dean.”

 Seth, 10:22 PM, Evening

           I was just standing in the hallway. Not moving, not talking, hardly breathing. Mera and Dean were right here, sitting on those road crates talking and touching. All I could think about was how they sat close together, her head on his shoulder, a smile on her face that I hadn’t seen in years.

           Something inside me… something deep in my chest… it pulled, tugged, ripped so painfully it sucked the air out of my lungs. I stumbled back into the wall, a physical ache running through my entire body.

           A lifetime flashed in my mind. The seconds and moments and hours, days, months, years… decades. The first time I saw Mera Reynolds—golden hair in braids with a Ninja Turtles lunch box standing by the cubbies in the back of our kindergarten classroom. Middle school—ponytails and a boyband t-shirt, magazine cutouts in her locker beneath a picture of us in the snow. Somewhere around ninth grade, looking over from my trampoline-turned-ring and seeing her sitting on the steps of my mom’s house with the camera in her hand. Junior year—Mera coming down the stairs at her parents’ house in a dark blue dress that made her hair look like burnished bronze. Senior year, signing day, when she turned down everything at her dream school to take an AT track and travel with me.

           That first night on the road, getting lost trying to find the next town. She had her feet up on the dash of my beat-up second-hand car, music crackling through the speakers as she sang along. The motel on the side of the highway, splitting a meal from McDonald’s since that’s all we could afford.

           The way she used to fuss when I got hurt. How she’d sift through her textbooks to find what needed to be done. Calling her teachers if she couldn’t find it. The times we couldn’t avoid it and ended up at the emergency room.

           Every moment of our lives together raced through my brain. One after the other, marching toward the inevitable, inescapable finish. Faces blurred together, all sharing one defining characteristic—they weren’t Mera Reynolds.

           I felt my bones breaking in my chest. My stomach turned.

           I barely made it to the bathroom before I puked.

 Mera, 10:30 PM, Evening

           “Good luck tonight,” I murmured as Dean enfolded me in a warm hug. The scent of him wrapped around me, reminding me that I was finally in my only real home. No city, no family, could make me feel as calm and as happy as being with Dean.

           “Honestly,” Dean replied, burying his nose in my hair. “I’m ready to drop these titles. I’m ready to do my own thing.”

           I slipped my arms around his middle. “Whatever happens, whatever you do, I’m here. I’m behind you for every second of it.”

           Dean’s lips settled on my temple. “I’m counting on it, darlin’. Because I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

           With a final squeeze, I looked up at him and smiled widely. “Go on. Do what you do. I know it will be great.”

 Dean, 10:38 PM, Evening

           I stood in gorilla, my thoughts still in the back with Mera. As calm as she had been when we’d parted, I knew that she was ready to get this town in the rearview. It didn’t matter to me. But knowing that she was unhappy was enough to make gasoline burn in my veins. I’d go to the ends of the earth to make her happy.

           Seth appeared next to me, his face looking grey. As much as I knew what he’d done, I couldn’t deny the fact that he had been one of my closest friends for a long time. “You good, man? You look a little green.”

           I watched him swallow hard. There was a sheen of sweat on his forehead. The muscles of his jaw bunched tight. “Are you gonna vomit?”

           He looked over at me, something off about the way his eyes focused. “Already did.”

           “Shit, man. Are you okay to go through with this?”

           “No choice,” he replied heavily. “I’m not backing out on my hometown.”

           Seth sounded strange, something haunted in his tone. I reached over, put my hand on his shoulder. I felt him flinch.

 Mera, 10:40 PM, Evening

           I slipped around to the monitors so I could watch the match. Everyone who needed me had already been taken care of and long since left the arena. I had the time to myself as I waited for Dean’s match to be over. Watching it would make the time go by faster.

           “Hello, Mera,” came a voice from just over my left shoulder. I turned around to see a woman whose face I hadn’t seen in years. Holly Franklin—Seth’s mom—stood there in a dark sweater and jeans. She stepped up close to me, like she wanted to hug me.

           I tried to smile, but knew it wasn’t as genuine as she deserved. “Hello, Holly,” I replied, feeling the formality in my mouth.

           She looked down at her feet, smiled her soft mother smile. It made me feel guilty for feeling off around her.

           “I miss talking to you, girlie,” she said faintly. A heavy sigh settled between us. “You were like my daughter for so long, Mera. I swear I could beat that boy for doing what he did.”

           I tried so hard not to think about it. To not let everything that Seth had done to me creep in at the edges of my senses. If it did, I would fall apart. I would sink beneath the edges of the past in a way that I couldn’t escape.

           As if she could sense the rise in my pulse, the terror that seemed to burn in my veins, Holly stepped away. “I know my son isn’t always a good man. I know that he hurt you in a way that can never be forgotten. And, honey, know that I don’t expect you to patch anything up with him. He made this bed and he’s going to wallow in it. But I’ve watched you grow up. You were like one of my own. If you ever need anything, don’t you hesitate to pick up that phone and call me, do you understand?”

           Something soothing wriggled in beneath the anxiety. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch up. “Yes, ma’am.”

           Holly nodded as if all of it was settled. “And congratulations, sweetheart. Dean’s a good man. He’ll be a better one to you than my boy was. And I’m glad for that.”

________________________________________________________________

Tag List

@mox-made-me-do-it @houndsofjxstice @lunatictoosweet @xbutterflius-effectusx @mother-forker @instantboquetdestinysblog @dcnmarvelgamergeek

[recoverymatters]

(tagging with 🌹)Hi... I don't know where to start. Um, I don't really have anyone in my life. My parents are abusive, I don't really have friends. My sibling has a family and kids and is busy and far. I feel really dysphoric all the time and I wish I could be out as a trans guy but I'm afraid I'll get kicked out from my parents' house. I'm 20 and I still feel like a kid. I've been hearing it gets better for so long and I'm just so tired.

(ask continued) I don’t feel suicidal anymore and I haven’t self-harmed in 4 or so years but every time my mother yells at me I get the urge again. I wanna get into fights again. I just feel so useless. Anxious and dysphoric and depressed all the time. Knowing I’ll never make it as an actor because I don’t pass as male. No motivation to do anything. Scared of getting anything less than an A. I’m an honours student but all my works are late now and I get anxiety about it all. I feel like such a damn mess.

Hi lovely, 

Thank you for reaching out to me! 

I am so sorry you don’t have anyone in your life right now that you can trust, rely on or receive support from. Life is hard enough, let alone without anybody by your side. Please know that you are not alone. You have me and a fantastic, accepting community here on Tumblr who all care about you and are all rooting for you. You will never be alone in this universe, we are all on your side. 

It’s very hard when you have a sibling that lives far away and is busy a lot of the time. I wonder if you would be able to arrange a skype call or facetime call with your sibling? It’s not easy, however, even a 10-minute call or text with them can make a world of difference. You never know, it may re-kindle that sibling bond and help you both to maintain that relationship. 

No wonder you’re feeling dysphoric and exhausted all of the time. You live in an environment with people that aren’t accepting of who you are. That is not your fault. I promise, there is nothing wrong with being who you are. You are perfect, irreplaceable and valuable. I am very sorry that you are not able to come out as a trans guy without feeling afraid of being kicked out of your parent’s house. That is a difficult situation to be in and I understand your concerns. Whilst I want you to be able to come out and feel free to be exactly who you are, you need to do what is best for you right now. Which may mean waiting a few years to come out when you are in a safe and secure environment to reduce the risk of being kicked out and having nowhere to live. Your safety is a priority. You say your parents are abusive, if you ever feel that you are at risk, please please please reach out. Reach out to a teacher, colleague, doctor or other trusted person who can direct you to the right support and even help you to find a safe place to live. Again, this is very tough. But, living with abusive parents is not good for your health and wellbeing and I want you to be around people who lift you up, support you and care for you. 

Feeling like a kid is very common, I promise you. I feel this a lot too. This world can be a tough and scary place to live in and the ample responsibility that comes with being an adult can be too hard to bear sometimes. It can be us feel like we’re children in a big, scary adult world. It’s hard to have everything figured out and to know what to do, but honestly, it’s okay. It’s okay not to have everything figured out or in place yet, to not know where you’re going in life. It’s hard, it’s scary, you may still feel like a kid sometimes, but you’ll get there. Step by step.  

I won’t tell you it gets better, but, it gets easier. There are days when you’re gonna think to yourself, yes, I’ve dealt with this before. I CAN cope and I will get through. 

Well done for not self-harming in 4 years. That is truly, truly amazing and I am so proud of you!! ❤️I have just answered a question based on self-harm alternatives. Please check this out and whenever your mother yells please have a look at the alternative and fight the urge to self-harm. You have done amazingly well and I want you to know that whenever you feel low or your mother does yell, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t loved or aren’t appreciated in this world. I appreciate you and I commend you for staying so strong for so long. 

If you start to experience suicidal thoughts again, please go to your local emergency department or A&E. Reach out to a suicide hotline, speak to me, speak to an online counseller such as 7cups. Use the StayAlive app. Please don’t struggle on your own, you deserve to be alive and well. 

I know its hard, but getting back into fights is not going to do you any good. It may be useful for you to express your feelings differently instead of getting into fights. Such as a boxing class, running, swimming, karate, art or dancing. These are a safer alternative to fighting and can help you to release some of the strong emotions you’re feeling. 

Useless you may feel, useless you are not. There are things that you do every day to help yourself, to help others, to help this earth that you may not even realise. You’re an honours student who is working his butt off and trying his best to get through considering all of these circumstances, how amazing is that?

Anxiety, dysphoria and depression are all signs you may be experiencing difficulties with your mental health and it might help to get some therapy, counselling or medication to help you with that. It may not be a cure or help completely, but it might help you to focus better, feel a little more relaxed and it would be great for you to have someone to talk to.

When you’re dealing with these things all of the time it can be hard for you to do daily tasks and make it more difficult for you to concentrate. So, please DO NOT blame yourself for your works being late. You cannot manage so many things all at once and you are not any less of a person because of this. Getting A’s does not define who you are and getting any less does not mean you’re not an incredibly talented and smart student. It means that the exam/education systems put so much pressure on young people these days that they feel getting any less than an A is a failure. It isn’t. Your grades do not define you. Please try and not be so hard on yourself. If you get a B that’s great! If you get a C that’s amazing! If you get a D, E, F, G, that’s fine too! YOU and your health are far more important. 

Your motivation will come back, it won’t always be this hard. Please hold on.

Please do not ever give up on your dreams. YOU CAN MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR. You may not get there on your first try, heck, you may not get there on your 10th. DO NOT GIVE UP. Being a trans male does not mean that you can never make it as an actor. You know why? Because your talent and your skills are not any less than that of a ‘regular actor’. There are people out there who do discriminate and do not understand. Screw them. You keep trying until you find the people who are accepting and are thrilled to have you on board. Becuase they are out there,  and they are just waiting for you to stand up and show who you are and provide the world with your talent, your amazing gift and your light. 

Some transgender actors who are absolutely rocking it right now and showing the world that it doesn’t matter who or what you are, YOU ARE JUST AS TALENTED AS ANYONE ELSE AND DESERVE THE CHANCE AND OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR:

1. Daniela Vega

2. Harmony Santana

3. Alexandra Billings

4. Trace Lysette

5. Ian Harvie

6. Brian Michael Smith

7. Laverne Cox

8. Elliot Fletcher 

9. Indya Moore 

10. Mya Taylor 

Please believe in yourself and your dreams. YOU CAN DO IT. I promise you. Never give up on who you are and everything you want to achieve. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that it isn’t possible or you cannot do it. 

You’re going to message me in 10 years and say. I MADE IT. I made it. I faced the judgement, I faced the hardship and I still followed my dreams and I have made it. I am a successful actor who made it through and is now inspiring others to come out and share their story. 

I believe in you.

Here are some links that may help you:

http://www.allabouttrans.org.uk/support-organisations/

https://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/services-support/transition-support/

https://www.transgender.support/

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/come-out-trans-equality

https://www.7cups.com/

You are never alone, keep fighting. You’re brave, your courageous and you’re going to make it. I promise you.

I wish you all the best that the world can offer you. You deserve so much happiness, love and magic. 

All the best 🌟

Thanks 

RecoveryMatters 

[kahayaya]

04/26/2021

It’s night time bout to head to sleep. Just some updates in life.

Booked a flight to fly to SF on May 14th. Im really excited. I wanted to go back so I can see everyone as I graduate and also celebrate my birthday. I plan on piercing my left ear with double helix. That will be exciting and fun. Honestly idk what I wanna do exactly when Im up there. Aside from set plans from Daniel them, I think I wanna roam around SF. Even though its been 5 months since I left, I have a nostalgic feeling to last year. Just the independence and also struggles of CO-VID. Every place will feel sentimental with associations to that timeline. For sure gonna go to Alamo Square, go to Hayes Valley, and go to Ocean Point. I wanna hop around houses with Jim, Daniel, and Darren’s place, I just need to ask them if I can stay there for one night. But Daniel’s place will be the main place I’ll stay at. 

Crazy to look at my calendar and I’ll be graduating very soon. Less than a month and I’ll be done with school. School work has been lax and I don’t have a final. I mostly have projects and they all seem easy to work on. 

Unity Final is a project with things we’ve done.

Deploying Software is taking what we learned from this semester and applying it all together with one project.

Filipino Politics/Justice had been reduced from a 12+ pg paper to a 3-5 page paper. 

Senior Team Project is just a demonstration of our final product for the semester.

All of those finals are relatively easy and not too hard unlike last semester. Thinking about last semester, I really had a tough time. I hard two of the hardest classes for taking CS and I also had to plan and do my move out. It was the most stressful and I felt dreadful during the last month of that semester. I recall a moment where I completed one of my finals and I felt a weight off my chest lift. As I completed more projects and finals, that weighed felt lifted. It was probably one of my most difficult semester here at USF but a worth while semester. Which made this semester I am in very easy and lax.

As for living here in Vegas, its been chill. Everything is settled on my end and my parents are picking up the smaller things they need to do. Like finding health providers here, organizing our stuff in the garage, and getting the cars that are coming from hawaii. Just today, my mom and I got our driver’s license and registered the Honda Civic, which is a relief cuz that was one of the things I needed to do soon. But on a weekly basis, I’ve been doing nothing much new. I either help my parents run errands or I just sit in the house. Occasionally I would go out for food to try out places. Also going to the gym is another thing I do. I’ve been going 3-4 times a week with or without my friend. My body was sore at first but getting back in the groove really started to not be as bad. I also think since I just moved here, I was trying out soo much food places that I gained some weight, honestly back to where I started before my Keto diet last semester. I weigh about 215 ibs rn, but I think some of that has been the muscle gain from gym’ing. I plan on cutting it down on food and pay attention to what I put in my body now. 

Aside from that, I feel excited to what holds in my post-college life. Again like i mentioned before, it will be weird for me because my entire life so far has been centered around schooling and that was my drive in life. Was to go to school and just do well in them. Now with that out of the way, my life will be so open to do whatever I want. Short-term plans I have is getting a part-time job and doing a side-project that will add to my portfolio, while also studying for my interviews. Then when I feel ready, which i plan to be by the Fall of this year, I will start applying around SF as well as job opportunities in Vegas. I think I am looking for Web Based applications or mobile app development jobs, as I enjoyed making them in my senior team project. I defs see the Web Application as a sustainable job market but I will be open to different options that relate to CS.  in the far future however, Im not too sure what exactly I want to do. Thinking about being in a relationship but at the same time I’m not inclined to find someone to date. I feel like my goals are not centered to find someone here and Im focusing on myself to make something financially stable to be on my own. I think my role in relationships as of right now is passive, where I would be open but I won’t actively be on the lookout for one. 

Life right now feels good but weird. Ever since moving to this house, I’m still in awe and the feeling just doesn’t sit right with me. This house feels like it doesn’t belong to me in a sense that it feels like I’m at someone else's house. I think I’m thinking like this because I’ve never been in a house this big and my family never had the thought of buying a bigger house or even moving out of Hawaii. So I’m still trying to work out this feeling of living in this house and actually calling it home. I definitely like living here in this house and the area I’m in but im still adjusting to the new environment I live in. 

As the week slowly approach my graduation I know I will slowly start to feel anxious because that’s how I’ve always operated. I see in to the future of what I think will happen but I will be up at nights when that date comes in closely. It will be a crazy month of May, as so much things are going to happen and I can’t wait any longer to dive into May. Anyways I’ll be updating whenever I am free to write stuff down and if anything significant happens.

Cheers