kahayaya

[kahayaya]

04/07/2023

Wow its been a while since almost a year ago.

A lot has changed the past year and there’s lots of ground to cover that I don’t think I can encapsulate within this post. So I’ll do my best to highlight what is on the top of my head today.

Why diary now?

Well figured do a little check with myself and I wanted to jot down my thoughts. Its kind of random but felt like today is a good day to write down my updates.

Work

Big things with work. As of December 2023, I have converted Full Time with my job and no longer under contract. I would say a huge thing as I did technically get a pay raise but since I’m now working under California, I get taxed. So roughly I take home the same amount from my contract, with slightly more. Work overall is not bad. Definitely feels like I’m doing my job and ever so slowly learning new things. I’ve gotten the understanding of what I should be doing and I can do it quick without asking for much help. So now I’m just working on another project that is related to ETL work and my work is a lot quicker than last year. I feel very competent at what I’m doing but looking forward, I want to see how I can progress within the software engineering world. For now I have planned to finish the project I’m working on and do a self check in on if I can move either forward with another project that is more lead by me or find another medium for a job. So time wise, i’d say another year.

Social Life

Life has been good to me recently. I took a quick peek at my last post and the title was loneliness. Through that rest of the year, I was lucky to stumble across friends that are mutual with Daniel from USF. I’ve played a lot of video games with them and got to know them better. They are all LA based and are from there. There have been numerous times where I have went to LA that had raves that we went to or a little hangout spot before I went to Vegas. Last december I went to Lake Tahoe with some of them. Last week some of them came up to SF to hangout and we also went to Napa for wine tasting. I’ve also hung out more with Carmen and her little, Josh. They are probably the closest thing to having people in proximity that I can ask to hangout with. I’ve also got to meet some of Josh’s mutuals and they are pretty cool to hang with. Kass has also left to HK for her work and this happened in October. We still keep in touch every now and then but she is coming back for her birthday in September. Looking forward to that. Aside from that, I’ve also learned to find new things to do own my own so I don’t rely on others to have my social fun. Recently I’ve been cooking at home, which is really fun and takes my mind off of the boredom. With the cooking, I have brought it to friends to try and that also revolved around my social meetings with friends. It makes me feel cook to cook for myself and for others to try my cooking. They really like the cooking so it makes me feel good. So as of today I’ve been exploring new recipes to cook and have been making Joshua Weissman’s recipes. A very fun way to cook and the recipes make me understand ingredient use and ways of cooking. There still more for me to explore and sometime this week I wanted to try making tiramisu. 

Family:

My dad recently got surgery. That went well and I went back to vegas to help around. He’s walking around and he said the pain is not there. But now my mom is going surgery and its p big. My brother is planning to go back and assist with my family. So I hope all goes well with my mom’s surgery. My brother is also expecting a child, so Im going to be an uncle. Exciting. Weird to think but looking forward to being an uncle. 

Also gonna wrap up as I have to do things but thought I’d note of things in life but today is going well. IDK when I’ll post again but maybe a big life change.

Cheers

[kahayaya]

5/25/2022

Loneliness

Hello

It has been a rough month for me. To sum it up, I feel lonely. Despite hanging out with friends, I feel alone sometimes. In the moment, it feels good to around people, but when I’m at home I feel bored. I have really reflected these past weeks with myself. The romantic feeling I had with Kass, I really thought about it. Was it to just fill in my emotional needs? What would progressing my relationship with her do? Really it would just be physical. So I decided not to pursue that route, given the context and the time I am at. I thought it would be too risky to do as I have been a friend for a long time and I know Kass is not ready to be in a serious relationship. I know she has been talking to her ravebae, Stanley the past week again and it does hurt me in a way. She asked me what if I dated Stanley? I feel like this hatred to Stanley, that has no logical reason why aside from just trying to protect how I feel. So as for myself, I have decided to somewhat distance myself between her in a way I wouldn’t go out of my way to hangout. Is this healthy? Probably not. But its what makes me feel better and has worked before. As I have already decided to not pursue how I feel just to keep the friendship as is. And I accept that and that is why I want to pursue on seeing different people/friends as an alternative solution than to confess.

Aside from that, I have a quite busy weekends in May. Although hanging out, I would feel back to myself again, doing nothing at home. I thought and I have thought, what should I do? I came to realize that I have no real passion for doing things on my own. Like things I would do by myself that I would enjoy. The only closes thing I like doing is going to the gym or cooking food at home. Aside from that, there is nothing really. It really hinders on the things I can do on my own time. At the same time, there’s really nothing I really want to do or a thing that appeals to me. Which leads me back to when I played video games.

I have not played video games for awhile. I did play here and then like two games like once a month. But nothing makes me really want to play the game either that be myself or with friends. I feel like I would force myself to play, just for the sake of not doing anything. I recall I loved playing video games and I thought that playing games would take the stress out my life, which it did. But video games does not do the same anymore now. To me it feels stall and a chore to play video games. Now I feel like I yearn for real life stuff. To do things outside of the house. Yet at the same time I don’t really have that certain activity to do outside.

All in all, I think this is where my problem stands. I don’t have a hobby that I currently enjoy doing or would want to do. I think I just need to take a leap of faith and just do something that is remotely interesting. 

More things that happened in the month that made things rough was that my mom was in the hospital. Short story, she was stressed with my cousin moving in, as he is not a great with our house rules. The fought a bit and made my mom’s heartrate really low with high blood pressure. I worried for her as I know the reason my mom moved to Vegas was to get away from the stress. To relax in Vegas with a new and better house. It made me angry that my cousin would do that yet I understand that his upbringing was not the best. I would call my mom a couple times throughout the week to check up with her. Its the least I can do until I go back home, which I am! I’ll be driving to Vegas on Thursday (5/26) night. So I’ll get to spend time with my family and make the best of it. 

IDK, this month has been tough as it really has sunk with me that I am in the adulthood of life. Life is now in a creative mode, really to much freedom to do things. It’s hard to choose what I want to do, when I don’t want to choose. Maybe the summer will change, as long as I have an active choice on what I want to do in my free time. The weekends has been busy in May so June will be a different with more flexible weekends. We’ll see. 

There's a lot more to write about but only so much to write my thoughts without writing an essay. Friends, relationships, careers, and a place to live. I’ll save those for another time when the timing is right and I can convey my thoughts more concise. 

Cheers

[kahayaya]

Things I’ve Learned from Weight Loss 4/13/2022

Thought I’d share my thoughts on weight loss

1) First and foremost, what you eat way more important than exercise. Saying goes, you can’t lose weight no matter how hard you train if you have a bad diet.

2) Everyone has different metabolism. From my own experience I don’t have the best metabolism where I can just eat anything and maintain the same weight. My metabolism is both a good and bad thing. Bad thing is that I have to put in effort to lose weight. Good thing is that since I can gain weight, its easier to put on weight if I want more muscle growth. I know some friends who are resistance training but they have a difficult time trying to gain weight in order to gain main muscle. So I’m thankful in that regard.

3) Find ways to be active. I game a lot, so even the simple things like parking a bit farther for grocery shopping or taking the stairs instead of an elevator all add up in a day to be more active. I think also moving to SF, made it easier for me to reach that regard.

4) Following up with the above, cardio is not necessary for weight loss. Although I did cardio when I stared my weight loss, it is not the ultimate factor that made me lose weight. If anything, it would help me push for a more calorie deficit. I realize you would need an insane number of hours or intensity to really make a dent in calories used. Use cardio training only for a more fun experience or for a better heart. 

5) Resistance training is the superior for a body. After picking up lifting weights last year, I can say it made a huge difference. Although I am roughly the same weight, if not a bit less, my body looks muscular and a bit toned. The recomp of my body’s fat vs muscle does make a difference and the only thing really holding me back for looking better is my body fat %. 

6) Do weight loss for yourself. I would always think if i looked better people would like me more. I went through introspection for a year and realize no matter how I would look, the same feeling of worth to myself would be there within me. So I realized working on that with some reflection with myself has helped me. And I also realized going to the gym was a fun aspect with seeing my friends and doing it with reaching goals in terms of increases my volume of weight. So there if fulfilment for me when doing this weight loss.

7) Fad diets are not it. I realized during my keto diet, yeah I did lose the most amount of weight, but it was not a sustainable one to begin with. I think within a year, I had almost regained all that weight back. So now i focused on just  cutting calories slightly, where I am not mindlessly eating but more aware of what I eat. With this, I can enjoyable eat things and know where I stand if I want to lose weight. 

8) Piggy back off last point, find something to eat where you can see yourself eating for a while. Restriction diets where you can’t eat a certain food is not it. But if its for religious reasons or environmental. I tots get that. Personally I am neither so nothing is restricting me. So find something sustainable in life where you can comfortable eat and have a healthy diet.

I think those are the tips in mind I had for myself and advice I would give if people are trying to lose weight. Wanted to write this to remind me of the journey that got me here as I try to embark on another milestone for weight loss.

Cheers 

[kahayaya]

04/11/2022

Currently 11:30 pm at night.

Tried to sleep early at 7:00 pm but I just naturally woke up. I feel tired but can’t sleep. 

A lot has happened since last post, which was at the beginning of this year. Thought I should write life updates and whats on my mind now.

First off with work and moving to SF

I moved to SF in March for in-person work. The first week was hectic as I was trying to settle in, get furniture, and my garage key was not working day 1. Quite a hectic week of trying to settle in but can say now its better and relaxing. As for work, I like going in person. I get to see some of my co-workers in person and its nice to commute down to FiDi. However I will say, I don’t really see a point in going in person aside from seeing faces. There’s no required in-person meetings as they are held online so its pointless to say but can be productive work while in the office. Meeting my team members was cool. They are a lot older in terms of they have a family and living the post-game life. 

I also spoke with Adi’s dad. He was asking me about going full-time with WF. The meeting with him was mostly about transparence and what I was expecting from the job. I told him I wanted to expand my skills here at WF while also working on projects that WF will develop. We discussed the salary, which was roughly 108k-110k and possibly 10k bonus. To be honest, its on the lower end of the salary of a software engineer but he said this is the best position I could get with the experience I have. So with that process going forward, it will take a total of two months to convert me to fulltime. One month to get the higher ups to open up the position, then I would submit my application and the higher ups would have to approve my application. Then an interview with one of the lead software devs would follow for another month. It will be one interview and its mostly formality. So the process does not look horrible but will just take time. Also as of recently, Adi’s dad has assigned me to look into creating an app for a new possible project. If successful, it will be a full-fledge project and I can work on that for the next big thing, which is exciting. One last thing he also mentioned is that the funding for the team is expected to be long term, as it started four years ago and its continuing to grow with enchantments with existing features as well as new features to what I am working on. So this will be a position that will be stable for a while and I don’t have to worry about getting laid off. But that is my update on work life and look forward to what will happen on that end.

The past month, I have also caught up with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been hanging out with Kass the most and now Muliadi has been hanging with me quite often. I realized its really hard to hangout with friends post-grad as people are at different places and work at different times, so its really hard to plan around that unless they have a similar schedule to yours and is in proximity to where I live. But also makes it meaningful. 

One thing I notice is that when I hangout with people from USF, I realize how different I am now. Specifically I notice that I feel out of place where they are worrying about graduating. They talk about projects, homework, and presentations. I don’t really have to worry about that. And I learned that once I am off the clock, I don’t have to worry about any work until I am back on. Which I actually like. No more worrying about assignments that are due at midnight. 

Also hanging out with people, I realize there are just things I don’t like to do. Like I have a sense of what I want to do and what I don’t really want to do. I think in college, I would always go with the flow and do whatever and be a yes person. But there are things now where I am like no I will not do that. Example is drinking at parties. Like I won’t go hard as its not fun for me. I would rather have a drink that taste good and get me buzzed, than to guzzle down shots of hard liquor. Like its not an enjoyable experience for me. 

Another thing too is that I realize I don’t really play video games like at all. Its quite boring for me to play and I haven’t played a game for a long session since last week of February. But with that happening, I have been yearning to just hangout with someone to explore. Kass and Muliadi has been there to really fill void since I don’t game. I’ve been hanging out with Kass a good amount and its been fun doing irl shet with her. Also someone I can just talk to randomly about stuff and I don’t really have anyone else here in SF that I can really do that. So its comforting to have that in my life. I feel like I do need to find new people to hangout with as maybe I rely too much on Kass to do hangouts with. So Muliadi is a nice option as well to do stuff but he lives in Berkley as of right now so its hard to really plan stuff with distance. 

I think overall, I feel like I have a mature sense of life right now. Like the things I used to enjoy in college now have become boring or its not the same kind of deal. thought I was mature in college days but I realized I have grown out of the things I did in college. I think the biggest thing was gaming. I never really thought playing find video games boring, but i did think that I was playing them at the time to relief stress and a break from my reality back then.

But now looking at the future, what now?

One thing for sure that I have a goal in mind is to lose more weight in the next coming weeks. I think it will be easier to lose weight here since I am more active, I just need to be aware of the calories and the past weeks has been me eating out a lot. So I will limit going out and try to make meals at home.

Another goal in mind is to find a new hobby for me to do. I feel like I am relying too much on hanging out with Kass that I get too comfortable with it. And when I don’t hangout, i feel like I am doing nothing. So I want to find something else to do, whether that be with another person or going solo. 

Last goal and an important one. I want to actually think about dating. I think when I can finically be settled after buying stuff for the apartment, I want to spend time with myself in figuring out who I want to be with. I was asked the question to both Kass and Muliadi on what is my type. TBH I don’t really know, like I can’t think on that top of my head other than like surface level features of a person. I think my introspection moments I have now and then will reflect on these thoughts and also just to jump on some dating app or ask friends to meet up with new people. I think i need to meet new people in order for me to get a better gauge on who I want to be around/with. 

That is my goal for life this year as of now. Maybe it will change, maybe I will be able to achieve it to some degree. We’ll see and who knows when the next time I will post.

Cheers

[kahayaya]

01/10/2022

Currently on remote work, but I don’t have much today.

Just a had a random thought but a useful one. I was thinking about my future, in terms of financial, and I thought what is my goal to work towards? It sounds crazy, but I want to buy a house. With that goal in mind, I want to save with the income and budget out my earnings along side with the debt I have to pay, like my student loan which will resume in May. I also considered the fact I might have to rent out in SF, which will dampen my earnings but defs possible. I quickly looked at Credit Karma just at a birds eye view, I could have a buying range of $560k if I have a savings of $40,000. It sounds like a big feat, but doable in the next 5 years. I defs love having the income roll in but I want to work towards something. I was thinking about getting another car, but again thought to my self I already have a car and I should invest in a home than that. 

As for where to live, I really want to live in California. The bay area would be ideal, but housing around there can be expensive. Depends on work too as that can dictate where I would live. I remember Airbnb’ing in Riverside in California. I’m not too sure the market of housing there, but I liked the area there. It was nice, away from the city but not too far that it would take hours to go to downtown L.A. So much thinking involved to where I would live, but I defs want to start saving for a house in the future. I think it would be nice to own one and its like a big feat to work towards. 

Just a thought while I’m not doing much at work. 

Quick note, I did have COVID last week, I assume since my sister tested postive and I’m waiting on test I took yesterday. Wasn’t that bad but I defs think I had pneumonia as a result of catching COVID. I was coughing up mucus at times and they were yellow/green. But rn its not bad and recovering from it. Also luckily my parents had antibiotics so I took that to alleviate the possible infection in my lungs. Hopefully I test negative, but we’ll see. I want to go back to the gym cuz I miss the fun I had there with the progress I made. Well that’s it on my end for today

Cheers

[kahayaya]

Jan 2, 2022

New Year. 

Crazy to think a year has passed since the last reflection of of new years. I remember back then I was stressed with moving out of Hawaii to Vegas. Now I am here in Vegas. I think a lot has happened over the course of the year and that move in to Vegas felt like a while back. 

Before I do a recap of things I remember on the top of my head, I just wanna share my New Years eve. So I decided to go to Countdown in L.A with Daniel and his friends. Overall it was pretty fun! I got to vibe with the dudes and I was head banging hard. The headliners were really good and just going hard. My favorite were NGHTMRE and Alan Walker. AW was a surprise cuz I thought he would play mostly his famous songs but he played some remixes that were bangers. I also rolled on NYE. I took half a pill and re-dosed later with another half. The group is also really good at making sure everything went smoothly. They tested the E and said it was good and they also had supplements to make sure the next day wouldn’t feel shitty. Surely enough, the next day I was feeling fine and ready to go. There was a day 2 for Countdown but I decided not to go because I had a feeling I would be tired. By chance as well, Irene was in L.A and she was free the next day so I deiced to get dinner with her and catch up. She intended to go to LA with friends but plans kind of fell though on her side cuz of drama thats happening. Overall talking with her, it seems like she has matured a lot but also having difficulty with life in Atlanta. I think with the drama and her ex boyfriend caused her to feel really lost and have a hard time trusting people. She wants to be friends with her co-workers and possibly love interest with one of them but I think with her situation, she is feels like she is not deserving of her cuz of what happened with her situation of her friend group. Overall, shes feels like in a weird spot and kind of trapped within the city. I feel really bad for her because of the situation shes been through but at the same time feel like she’s grown a lot to try to be authentic with herself and trust what she feels. I found the dinner to be worth while and a great time to catch up with an old friend. I hope her visit in L.A wasn’t bad and I hope I could have made the visit some time worth while in L.A. 

Moving on to recap of the year.

First started off with the move plans to Vegas. I moved back home to Hawaii and moved out of the apartment in SF. Most stressful time of my life. I felt baited a lot in the beginning and felt like I was on hold for months till I finally moved in. It was a relief that I moved and felt glad that it happened. I have more options to do things when I’m in Vegas like visiting other states. 

I also graduated. May 2021, Bachelor of Science in Computer Science. Its crazy to think I graduated about 7 months ago. This felt like a long time. I was scared to what future would hold for me after but I lucked out in the end for a job. Although I will say graduation felt anti-climatic just cuz it was online. I didn’t get to see anyone in person. Online classes felt like a drag and was hard to really get through. But I persevered and pushed through and I made it. 

I also traveled a lot too. After graduation, I went to Washington D.C to meet up with Alex and Natalie. For a couple days we left and went to NY. Then to Boston. Then Alex and I went to Vegas for a bit and road tripped to San Diego to meet with Rayan. Then we went to L.A and I got into an accident. The accident left me traumatized for a bit but after recovery of being more cautious when driving made me overcome that and be more safe when driving. I also went to Hawaii to show Alex and Kass around. The traveling felt very nice. A breath of fresh air and expanded on what the U.S is like. Now that I think about it, when I was in Boston, that was the last time I took Acid and Shrooms. Crazy. I would love to have that experience again but with the intention to just chill somewhere here in Vegas. 

After traveling around, I needed to get serious. But I wasn’t trying hard enough. I felt very unmotivated about finding a job and took me 2 months to really do something. I then went back to SF to relax and also celebrate Kass’s birthday. I then met up with Adi and we caught up for a bit. Then he told me his dad could hire me under contract. With this in mind I grinded really hard when I came back home and felt like I had a purpose to fulfill. I also went to a Porter Robinson rave when I was there and I rolled half and re-dosed half. A fun experience, and I danced with one of Kira’s housemates. I think we were vibing well so I asked her if she wanted to dance and she was down. I hope she had a good time cuz I had a great time to towards the end of the event. So that was the SF trip.

Now that I returned from SF, I was back home studying for Adi’s offer. Eventually I talked with his dad and the person his dad manages and I got a contract. I was scared for what was to come cuz I wasn’t too sure how I would mold in. The initial months were p easy and I got a feel of how the work, works. I didn’t really do much in the coming months but in December I would start working on development for something that I’m a developer in. And that p much is where I am at after NYE. I’m excited for what is to come this year. 

Another small thing I did was workout consistently. After returning from SF, I worked out. It was slow but it was fun. The more I did it, the more it become easier and a fun thing to do. It really is like the Bo Jackson episode, it gets easier.

Some things I have know I have to do is find a place in SF around Feb now cuz they were returning to in-person soon/hybrid. I want to go to EDC this May but that depends on work and how I would manage that. Dating. I think with things being hectic with work and traveling I haven’t really gave dating a thought. I think when I move to SF and settle in, I would explore that option. I need to see my long term goals to really solidify myself but I feel like that I’m making excuses for myself to not date rn. Oh well I will see on that. I also want to lose body fat and gain muscle. I am on track on that very well, as I have been cutting on meals that I don’t need and also not buying outside food as much. I’ve also been working out so that I can maintain muscle while losing weight. So that will defs happen next year. Aside from that, I’m not soo sure what the future holds. As of now, work is the only thing really keeping me forward and I remember that I wouldn’t know what I wanted to do after school. But work kind of locked me in and see how it goes. So far its going not too bad and its a direction I will take.

And a last thing to pose on myself is when will I stop raving and taking e. I was with Muliadi and he asked me when I would. I really thought about that for a while that is a great question. I personally think when I decide to date and want to start a family is when I would stop going to music festivals and doing drugs. I feel like I would have matured and have something to look forward into life than these events. IDK. I feel like I’m still young and have the freedom to do what I want to do. 

But aside from everything, I know 2022 will be a great year for me and I look forward to what 2022 will present. 

Cheers

[kahayaya]

11/05/21

I saw stunnerproject post and thought I should write my updates on life too. So I started working two weeks ago and today I just finished my first task. To backtrack a bit, I was hired as a contractor for the Engineering Analyst position at Wells Fargo. The first two weeks was me setting up on my computer and getting access to stuff. So it was slow paced and I was waiting on my first task. Then this week, my manager assigned me to a team to do some testing. So I got to work on my first task. NGL I was pretty stressed out as I had no idea what to do or where to start. The team lead for the team I’m on helped me a bit as well as connect me with people to guide me a bit on what I should be doing. This was very helpful and I have a better understanding of what's going on. Sometimes I feel bad tho because they also have work on their hands and they’re taking their time out to help me catch up. But the also know that I’m a new grad student and I’m very new to the technologies they utilize. So I’ve been doing my best to come in with an open mind and learn a lot of how to do things. 

But overall I’m very happy with where im at and the things I’m doing now don’t seem to bad. Its a learning experience and I’m excited to see how this goes. As time goes on, and if I do well, my contract might get bought out and I will actually be full-full-time. Also big pay check comes in on Nov 15 so I’m looking forward to that. 

Aside from work, my plans in the future will be move to SF because of work. My work will eventually be in-person so I would eventually have to move up. I’m excited for that as I can par-take in seeing people in the office. I would be working in the financial district so that will be exciting. So sometime in the future, I need to plan out my moving up if I know I will be going up. I think SF life sounds exciting to me as it made me grow independently and explore a different life here in Vegas/Hawaii. 

That’s life now and I am contempt with how things are going right now. I’ll update if anything significant happens in life.

Cheers

[kahayaya]

Photo Dump I thought looked cool

[kahayaya]

10/02/2021

Update on life:

Hey its been almost a month and a half since last post and life is looking not too  bad. 

I’ve really thought about my career and found it very difficult to find something I wanted. I would try to study something but found it unmotivating and nothing passionate about what I wanted to do. I looked at MGM resort for software dev and I researched about it. From my findings it seems they mainly use .NET stuff, which I am unfamiliar with and the job culture is not suited for me. It seemed like I am on my own kind of deal and you just gotta do what you need to do.

A side note as well, I went to SF for 6 days to visit friends and see how SF has changed. Will say a life changing experience and I am glad I went up there. To recap it was Kass’s birthday so I got to celebrate it with her. I saw Cencere, Pej, and one new member of Dons so I got dinner with them. I also visited Adi and Kira and they seem to be doing well. There’s also this self-driving car around SF that seems to be future use of self-driving ubers that are being tested which was cool to see. 

On to the biggest change, Adi told me his dad was planning to hire new Software devs for Salesforce at his company. And he said he could squeeze me in. At first I was like okay that’s cool, but I really gave it some thought. So when I returned from SF, I looked into Salesforce. I thought their platform was really cool and it helped businesses have more of a modular spreadsheet. So I dove more into it. Adi had been updating me on what his dad said and essentially as long as I can get a certificate from Trailhead with a Developer, I am in. So this motivated me to learn more about Salesforce. As I looked into how Salesforce works, it just made sense to me. Everything from database query and even a java-like language is in there. So this made me even more hype for whats to come. Although not a guarantee cuz his dad needs to check with his boss to 100% confirm but essentially a job! I am very excited and I will be continuing to learn more about Salesforce. I do have a fallback if it does not workout and that’s to just look for other companies that want a dev in Salesforce. That will be hard but at least its a backup in case this does not go through. 

SO that’s very exciting and something I look forward to in life. 

Going back to my SF trip experiencing, I felt very nostalgic of the area. I really do miss SF because not only the city but just my connections I have in the area with friends. I thought about this for weeks but I do feel like there is no growth for my in Vegas and every time I’m at home i just feel stagnated. I also said if I do get a job at Salesforce, I will plan to move around the area in SF. I think I see my life in SF for the time being, as it will help me have a fulfilling life. I also get to see friends that I have fun with. Not to say my two friends in Vegas are not fun but I just feel the same way of stagnation if I’m with them. So that is also the plan later is to move to SF and live around. The comfort of my home in Vegas will be missed if I do follow through with this but luckily its a plane ride away to Visit back in SF.

I feel hopeful now and excited to see whats next, good or bad. I think that’s what makes life fun is when there is something to look forward to and work towards. And once i do have a job, I look forward to my future, future, which is to own things and also support my family in Vegas. 

Well that’s the life update and IDk when the next update will come

Cheers

[kahayaya]

08/21/2021

Its late rn at 2:00 am

Thought I haven’t wrote in a while and decided to write whats been on my mind. 

First thing is about job hunting. NGL been really slacking but making minimal progress. I have been asking my brother to look at my resume and if I needed touch ups. I have been editing and fixing that. However I havent been really proactive in looking for a job. IDK i feel really incompetent rn in terms of interviewing and not in the mindset cuz I’ve been lazy. I have been reading a bit of my Cracking the Code Interview. Im also starting on some project yesterday that is small but can demonstrate skills relavant now. Short story on that, Im planning on making a simple tic-tac-toe game that can run unit test and hopefully have a form of web application use. Nothing spectacular but it can demonstrate outside of just coding the game itself. I want to run automated test along side with a server running game on python. So I decided on that to just work on something than nothing. Aside from that the progress is slow and I know I am missing my window for hiring season. So instead I plan on really going hard in the Winter or anything afterwards. 

Also got my car again. I got a Honda Civic Sport 2021. Its a nice car! I really like it although we did have to finance it, its worth it imo. The car should not be breaking down anytime soon and its p much a brand new car. I installed LED lights on the interior and on the low-beam lights of the car. It was a simple install but the visibility at night is noticeable so worth an investment to put in the car. Aside from that don’t think I’ll be doing anything with that car soon.

One thing I really want to do is go back to SF. I was suppose to go to SF but due to the accident I didn’t have a mindset to go. But I do want to go back and visit everyone there. Especially with school looming, I want to meet everyone in person again and see them face-to-face. I just think of my graduation and it felt so empty. It was nice having Daniel them around, but I didn’t get to see other people that I have met through Dons Esports. So sometime when I do have productive work going though with my job search, I will drive up to SF.

My brother is also expecting a baby. My sister-in-law got a fertilized egg put in her and confirmed her pregnancy. Kind of exciting! It sounds like my brother has his life moving in SF and hes starting up. I also want to visit my brother up in SF and help him out if he needs anything. 

Overall, I do kind of feel lost in life. More specifically with career wise. I have a CS degree but I have no real passion in pursuing anything. Although a good paying field I feel like theres nothing really that makes me want to code. Something I probs need to search for along side with job hunting. I need to find something that genuinely looks interesting and want to do. So that’s really thing thats been somewhat bothering, which I fear that I will slack off cuz of no passion in my field. But one day I do need to get up and start taking earning. Or how else am I suppose to live out my dream of being rich. So that’s that and who knows when I’ll write my next post, Tumblr is a nice place to be in my own thoughts and served its purpose in the pandemic. So until next time, I hope I can write exciting news about my life. 

Cheers

[kahayaya]

07/06/2021

I am currently in SD and about to leave back to home to Vegas. Yesterday was a traumatizing experience for me. I got in to an accident. Short story is that I  raced a yellow light and ended up crashing in to a Jeep Cherokee the was yielding to turn into its respective lane. My car collided and everything felt slow. I recall Daniel saying woahHHHH right before impact and it just happened. On impact, the air bags deployed and everything felt like 5 mins when the crash happened and getting out. The time frame was roughly around 2 mins after impact. Time felt lost and I was disoriented. I remember hearing the Honda Saftey saying calling emergency, deploying air bags, and collision detected. Not too long before this collision, we were talking about his dogs and how it was biting his arm. Long story short I am out here with minimal injuries and no one got seriously hurt.

It was a tough day for yesterday. The scene of the crash kept replying in my head. I questioned my decision to run the yellow, even deflecting the blame to the other party. But at the end of things, this was the most fortunate of a worst event that could have happened. No one got hurt seriously and only the cars was damaged. Luckily no one got third partied or Daniel did not get hurt. It really is a blessing I came out of that along with Daniel. Also the thought of being away from home. I felt like I needed a safe haven yesterday to be around. I was in LA, and Rayan’s house felt far. My vegas home is even farther and I wished to have some comfort that would have been away from the traumatic experience. 

I also thought how I could have been responsible for someones life, especially Daniels. And the thoughts of possibly injuring Daniel would have left me with the greatest guilt for me to hold. I am the driver, and I am in a way responsible for the safety of my passengers. I cried this morning thinking about how this could have gone wrong, but luckily I was sparred and given another chance. I will never see the yellow light the same and I know I will have to be careful on the roads. And these accidents could happen at any moment. We were 4 blocks down from where we needed to be and that accident had occurred.

Now that I am filing claims and I need to sort this out, I am not going to SF anymore. I think it would have complicated more things for me to deal and not be able to enjoy my vacation. A change of plans is needed.

All in all, I am grateful that I have survived with minimal injuries along with everyone else. I’ll let this day be a chance for me to careful when I drive and not be in a rush.

Chow

[kahayaya]

06/08/2021

Hey internet,

its been a while since I last posted something, since my last birthday. A lot has been happening. I’ve been traveling a lot and spending time with my family. 

The last post left off with the whole drama in SF with Kass and Adi them. To keep it short, they seem to be splitting ways on for Daniel and Kass them because they are tired of dealing with Adi and what his actions have done to them. Specifically just being their second priority vs. his gf, kira being at the top. From my perspective, I could see this too. There were two times were I asked Adi to hangout when in the end he left a half-ass excuse and flaked on me. Kind of expected that but just disappointed. I value my time in SF and wanted to spend with people when I had first left. But at the end of the day, Adi is doing his own thing and I didn’t invest much of my efforts of being his friend. 

After coming back from SF, my aunty and cousins were visiting. Also my two Hawaii friends were in Vegas as well. It was nice seeing them. So that time was busy and did not have breathing room. When my aunty and friends left, I drove down to L.A the next day.

L.A was fun. As I was telling my friends, this was the first trip where I had no events planned when going to L.A. So it was nice just visiting and doing things spontaneously with friends. Daniel, Kenneth, and Kass was with me on that trip. Overall, I ate way to much down there and actual had a sore stomach for a couple of days. Felt like I was trying to cram as much of L.A food within four days. Not the move.

I returned back to Vegas and Siming was here for 3 more days. So I accompanied them while they were here. Just typical siming back in SF with his shenanigans.

And now we’re here. I have a grace period before I start to travel again. I leave to Washington on June 15th. Im very excited. To explore the east coast and the differences of life there vs where I’ve seen. After that we go to SD, to SF and then back to Hawaii?? My summer is quite busier than expected and I like it. A summer is much needed for me.

But going off on that, I have no more school now. Just real life now. I don’t know how I exactly to feel right now. During the grace period of no traveling, I felt lost. I’d wake up and wonder what I should do today. I had smaller goals like go get groceries or wash my car. But I’m afraid of after my traveling, will I follow through with finding a career with computer science. I have bought a book to study for my job interviews but will I laze out? But I have a feeling as well that I know have a moment I need to focus up and start working. Seems to have always happened in school, where I’m not too sure on something, but if I need to get something done, I’ll do my damm best to get it done. I now wonder however, what my next year will look like. I have very broad goals right now but I can’t see how I will be next year. Maybe I’ll refer back to this post in a year to have a check up and see if I really did change.

Cheers

[kahayaya]

Day 1: (5/15/2021)

Bout to head to bed. It’s also my birthday which is cool. But I wanted to highlight my night. There was a really big drama that happened. It was between Kass and Adi. Short story from what I saw, Adi aggressively told Kass to just move out. I thought it was a jokingly but then she instantly ran out and went home. I was confused. Adi told us that he was having trouble with personal problems and took it out on her.

I later learn that this is been going on throughout the semester. Not one instance but multiple. Kass feels like she’s being treated harsh than everyone else while Adi does only to her. So it’s a bit of an awkward stage between the two and also the friend group. I learnt more about the development of Kass and Kenneth’s relationship. From my perspective it really does seem like a casual date and the way it came about reminded me of what happened with Eren. In short Kenneth was asked about dating in a drinking game. Said someone from Kira’s house. Later Daniel asked Kenneth again but heard Kass. And apparently they started seeing each other? I think Kass was open about dating Kenneth. Daniel also said probs cuz of Covid that things like this happen. From what I see, it seems like a casual dating and kind of see where roads lies ahead. But tonight was crazy. I defs wanted to see the dynamic of this friend group as I was gone but did not expect a full blown drama fest that was happening. Felt like walking through a landmine without even knowing. Adi is still out and went with Kira . Tonight’s been crazy and it’s only day one! I really hope both sides are fine and I can see a divide slowly approaching with this group. Well in terms that it will be harder for everyone to interact. A lot of more interesting stories I’ve heard but that’s for later but this was the highlight of day one. Anyways I’m heading to sleep and there’s a party tonight.

Cheers

[kahayaya]

05/09/2021

Today was a work day but instead I took the day to reflect. Also I did not go with my cousin for lunch cuz I forgot it was mothers day so I spent the day getting food and giving it to my mom. I also learnt the news about Kass and Kenneth dating? It was an interesting thing I learned but not too surprised since I heard Kenneth was “whipped” a while back. 

But aside from that, I spent the two hours reflecting on myself. I sat in a chair and stared out my window. I first thought about my trip to SF. How that will be and what I will do. I also spent some time thinking about the relationships of couples within the Daniel’s group of people. I thought about this weeks what I need to do. Some things that came up in my thought.

I thought about my romantic relationships. I recalled last semester I did have feelings with Kass. But after spending time with her I thought I didn’t really need this. Similarly, I thought about the time I spent with Claudia, which I was interested as well. It ended up with my thought that its not worth it for me. I always end up with the thought that its not something for me in the long run. Which then the crushing feeling fades away. I really spent time with my thoughts on this. I feel so independent and efficient with the way I do things that I feel like it would be addition to have a in my life. Which is also why I feel like I have no reason to look out for love interest. Especially when it came to dating Eren, I did not actively look out for relationship at the time. I understand that if I don’t look out for love or potential partner, there is very little chance of finding one. I thought of this no incentive to look for partners idea is just me trying to protect myself from getting hurt. Well a part of me says yes but a part of me says no. A part says yes because I do have the scared feeling of not being good for someone. And the yes part says that I am capable of loving someone and providing the best. In the end, I do trust myself and I value my worth to others. Which comes down to the fact that I value working with myself that I know will bring myself happiness. As of right now, I don’t dread not having a girlfriend. I am fine with where I am and I am fine with the direction I head in the future. I know what I want in the future and that for me is having financial independence and do things I want. Some of those things I want is to travel, live on my own, and have money to do things at my leisure. And for me personally, I don’t need anyone else to provide that to me, aside from my parents who are my safety net if I fail. I really do have nights where I think about my crushes I had and analyze why it happened and the outcome of them. I know my approach to this is fine. As long as I have my priorities in check, I know my happiness to life will be great. Which also made me think about the time I spent with Hailey. We grabbed food twice and I would consider it a date. I just did not have a feeling or meshing that fit with her. So I know at that time I just was genuinely not interested. I like her as a friend but as a partner it was not for me, especially her lifestyle and choices I just don’t mesh well. I recalled that she wanted me to make plans in the future for next hangout and I did not follow up. I know what I did, which I did not follow up. I was busy with school and another part was that I was not interested. So that interaction really made me think that I know what I want and as of right now, I find that passive role of finding a relationship is for me. Who knows, maybe the day I achieve everything I wanted in life maybe I will eventually want to find someone else. And this will bite me in the ass. But I know what I want and if I see something I really want, I’ll do my dam best to chase it. That was part of my self reflecting today, as things come to a close in this chapter of my life, in terms of schooling. 

So to iterate hearing the news about Kenneth and Kass, it quite interesting. Never expected that to happen. Did it feel like it hurt me? No. I just found it interesting as well Kenneth doesn’t look like he would take care of himself when I last saw him. And I recall Kass saying that she did not believe in friendships turning in to relationships. So I was in shock of hearing this regard. The dynamic of the group heading in to SF will be interesting and catching up with everyone will be fun. Just finished with talking with Alex as he FT me and I think I’ll sign off here. I need to continue working on my work and as I planned.

Cheers internet.

[kahayaya]

05/06/2020 Part 2

Wow another update in a day. I had my uncle and cousin visit our house today. My uncle bought a house couple years ago and they’re visiting Vegas today. They came to checkout our house. While my parents were talking to my uncle I was talking to my cousin. 

It was probably the most I’ve ever talked to any of my cousins since I was young. It felt weird. I am still trying to process our conversation. In essence of our conversation, it sounded like he wanted to hangout. To also give context, I’ve never interacted with any of my cousins for a while. It’s always been short talk but never to the point I would feel a connection between any of them. When I was around 6 years old, it was the most I’ve talked to most of my cousins but ever since my grandma passing away and drama involved with my parents and aunts and uncles there was a divide in the family. Short story it involved money and inheritance. So I never really got to talk to my cousins and establish a connection. Whenever I do interact with them from the past years its always short talk.

But today felt weird and different. Our conversation was mostly about schooling and wanting to hangout. He was also sharing how people in the mainland would come to his hawaii house and act different. He explained felt like they were using him. Also side note, my cousin went to the same school as me and is a year younger than me. I remember feeling hatred toward him, because of what my mom told me about his uncle and I associated that hatred towards him. He had nothing to do with it and thinking about it now I felt bad. Anyways he was talking about that and his schooling up ahead. I sensed a feeling of loneliness with him. Just the constant of him bringing up hanging out and his pursuit of a nursing degree at UNLV just had me feeling he wanted someone to reach out. 

For me personally, I am open to hanging out. I too don’t have much people up here. That part is fine for me but for him he’s the type to be extroverted. I know I have a hard time forming new connections with people cuz I always have this feeling of being scared of change. I always have survived on my own and lived in a way that works independently. But it feels uncomfortable to me. I feel like he’s out to get something from me. Just feeling unease. But at the same time I know he’s a good person. Judging from my conversation, he has a good heart and the right intentions. Sounds like he wasn’t around the right people and lives a relaxed life. Side note as well, he smoked a lot of marijuana but he cut it since he’s doing nursing. He also is putting aside time when he’s busy during nursing school and wants to focus on that. He knows the hard road ahead of him, so I know he has a good mindset. 

For me, its a lot to process. I don’t have much people in life that want to hang out with me, cuz im always in a passive role. So whenever new people come to me its always me taking the passenger seat, until I can be comfortable. Who knows what will happen when I hangout with my cousin. He wanted to get some food on Sunday and just hangout. It also sounded like whenever he hangs out with friends, he wants me to come too down at the stripe. He wanted me to be a part of his group of friends which felt weird to me too. IDK. It’s a lot to process and I’ll see where this takes me. 

Cheers

[kahayaya]

05/06/2021

It noon rn and the end of the semester is approaching. I finished my Filipino Poli/Just presentation last night. The last remaining thing is a 3-5 page essay paper on p much what my group presented. Next week I have more presentation/projects such as a presentation on Unity Game, capstone project, and deploying software project. I feel a bit anxious rn. Unease. So much is lined up next week and once that is done, I have a few remaining assignment that should not take that long like a document for my capstone project and that essay I have to write (3 pages) . And once that is done, its over. The weight on my chest will be lifted. I will also be in SF by the time this happens and I get to roam SF as I please. As a matter of fact, the world. No more school responsibilities and its on my own and I make what I need to make of it.

Next week when I do fly up to SF will be fun. I get to visit the places where I once had my independence. Where my life really shaped me to who I am today. I recall a time where Alex asked me what is my favorite spot in SF. We were checking out this coffee shop in the middle of SF and I got their specialty drink. We walked up the hill where we parked and I remember giving him the answer I don’t, I don’t have any feeling for this place. Looking back at that conversation I think I do have sentiment values in SF. I still don’t have a particular spot in SF I love, but I love SF in general. Who knows what I would have been like, but SF is the place to hold that value. Going to different spots in SF will have that feeling that I was there when this happened. Honestly thanks to Alex for that. For showing me around different parts of SF or I would have been bundled up in my house and going to places I’m use to. So many different parts of SF that have my own canvas that I filled in. Visiting SF will have me reminded of those feeling and memories and have appreciation. This will not be the last of SF, but I know this trip to SF will mark a start in a new journey for me. A new journey of post-graduation, where I create my own chapters from here on out. And when I do visit SF again, it will be a gentle reminder of the changes from the last time I visited and reflect on those changes.

[kahayaya]

04/26/2021

It’s night time bout to head to sleep. Just some updates in life.

Booked a flight to fly to SF on May 14th. Im really excited. I wanted to go back so I can see everyone as I graduate and also celebrate my birthday. I plan on piercing my left ear with double helix. That will be exciting and fun. Honestly idk what I wanna do exactly when Im up there. Aside from set plans from Daniel them, I think I wanna roam around SF. Even though its been 5 months since I left, I have a nostalgic feeling to last year. Just the independence and also struggles of CO-VID. Every place will feel sentimental with associations to that timeline. For sure gonna go to Alamo Square, go to Hayes Valley, and go to Ocean Point. I wanna hop around houses with Jim, Daniel, and Darren’s place, I just need to ask them if I can stay there for one night. But Daniel’s place will be the main place I’ll stay at. 

Crazy to look at my calendar and I’ll be graduating very soon. Less than a month and I’ll be done with school. School work has been lax and I don’t have a final. I mostly have projects and they all seem easy to work on. 

Unity Final is a project with things we’ve done.

Deploying Software is taking what we learned from this semester and applying it all together with one project.

Filipino Politics/Justice had been reduced from a 12+ pg paper to a 3-5 page paper. 

Senior Team Project is just a demonstration of our final product for the semester.

All of those finals are relatively easy and not too hard unlike last semester. Thinking about last semester, I really had a tough time. I hard two of the hardest classes for taking CS and I also had to plan and do my move out. It was the most stressful and I felt dreadful during the last month of that semester. I recall a moment where I completed one of my finals and I felt a weight off my chest lift. As I completed more projects and finals, that weighed felt lifted. It was probably one of my most difficult semester here at USF but a worth while semester. Which made this semester I am in very easy and lax.

As for living here in Vegas, its been chill. Everything is settled on my end and my parents are picking up the smaller things they need to do. Like finding health providers here, organizing our stuff in the garage, and getting the cars that are coming from hawaii. Just today, my mom and I got our driver’s license and registered the Honda Civic, which is a relief cuz that was one of the things I needed to do soon. But on a weekly basis, I’ve been doing nothing much new. I either help my parents run errands or I just sit in the house. Occasionally I would go out for food to try out places. Also going to the gym is another thing I do. I’ve been going 3-4 times a week with or without my friend. My body was sore at first but getting back in the groove really started to not be as bad. I also think since I just moved here, I was trying out soo much food places that I gained some weight, honestly back to where I started before my Keto diet last semester. I weigh about 215 ibs rn, but I think some of that has been the muscle gain from gym’ing. I plan on cutting it down on food and pay attention to what I put in my body now. 

Aside from that, I feel excited to what holds in my post-college life. Again like i mentioned before, it will be weird for me because my entire life so far has been centered around schooling and that was my drive in life. Was to go to school and just do well in them. Now with that out of the way, my life will be so open to do whatever I want. Short-term plans I have is getting a part-time job and doing a side-project that will add to my portfolio, while also studying for my interviews. Then when I feel ready, which i plan to be by the Fall of this year, I will start applying around SF as well as job opportunities in Vegas. I think I am looking for Web Based applications or mobile app development jobs, as I enjoyed making them in my senior team project. I defs see the Web Application as a sustainable job market but I will be open to different options that relate to CS.  in the far future however, Im not too sure what exactly I want to do. Thinking about being in a relationship but at the same time I’m not inclined to find someone to date. I feel like my goals are not centered to find someone here and Im focusing on myself to make something financially stable to be on my own. I think my role in relationships as of right now is passive, where I would be open but I won’t actively be on the lookout for one. 

Life right now feels good but weird. Ever since moving to this house, I’m still in awe and the feeling just doesn’t sit right with me. This house feels like it doesn’t belong to me in a sense that it feels like I’m at someone else's house. I think I’m thinking like this because I’ve never been in a house this big and my family never had the thought of buying a bigger house or even moving out of Hawaii. So I’m still trying to work out this feeling of living in this house and actually calling it home. I definitely like living here in this house and the area I’m in but im still adjusting to the new environment I live in. 

As the week slowly approach my graduation I know I will slowly start to feel anxious because that’s how I’ve always operated. I see in to the future of what I think will happen but I will be up at nights when that date comes in closely. It will be a crazy month of May, as so much things are going to happen and I can’t wait any longer to dive into May. Anyways I’ll be updating whenever I am free to write stuff down and if anything significant happens.

Cheers