#I’m gonna keep getting my nails done if I can do o can be a pretty boi:3

[sensitivegoblin]

I didn’t get a partner for my birthday but I got compliments and a build a bear so that works ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[shdo-xplosion]

❥ YOU HAVE GOT YOUR HOOKS IN ME

S. GOJO X READER

warnings: plot what plot, reader has a pussy, dom!reader, sub!gojo, homemade video, pet names (baby, sweetheart, honey, pretty boy), praise, mild sadism, bondage, begging, handjob, blowjob, mild cbt?, the barest hint of sounding, face riding, multiple orgasms, mentioned aftercare

word count: 2.1k

notes: hiiiii this is for @nymphoheretic’s xxxhub collab! it was weird how quickly this idea popped into my head, and i’m so pleased that i found the time (and headspace) to get it down on paper. title is from sleep token’s ‘rain’. hope you all enjoy pathetic subby gojo <3

The thing about Gojo is that he always gets what he wants. Sometimes it’s given to him. Sometimes he earns it. But most times he just takes for himself. Why not, with all that power of his?

But then there’s you. You who steals that power from him. Who he willingly gives it up to, staring up at you from the chair he’s bound to with foggy blue eyes and parted lips.

“You sure you’re ready for me, sweetheart?” you tease, looking directly at the camera in the corner as you throw a leg over his thighs and caress the back of his head. This isn’t the first time you’ve filmed your escapades, and you’re sure it won’t be the last.

Satoru nods his head quickly, swallowing thickly when you gently scratch his neck with sharply pointed nails. His hard-on is pressing against your covered cunt, already so hard and leaking pre. You can’t blame him. You’ve had him tied here for the better part of an hour, making him watch as you strut around in your pleather bodysuit, heeled boots clacking on the wooden floor. You had acted bored, touching him every once in a while—a hand tracing up his bare chest, maybe giving his hair a little pull.

He’s actually been shivering for a few minutes now, growing more desperate with each passing second. And you both know that he really could just break free of the ropes around his wrist. If he didn’t want to play the game he’s more than capable of overpowering you. He’s done it once and never again, not after you ignored him for a solid month after.

You hover over his lips, cooing sweetly, “promise to be good for me, pretty boy?” while grinding yourself against him.

“Yeah,” he grunts, “yes, yes, I’ll be good. I’ll be so good.” Desperation sounds good on him. It’ll sound even better when you watch it over.

For a moment you just smirk at him, admiring his attractive face, how flushed his cheeks are. Then you finally give him a chaste kiss and slide off of him to your knees.

You never took his pants off all the way, the waistband hugging his thighs, exposing his twitching cock and heavy balls. Transparent fluid is running down the side of his shaft, and Satoru jolts violently when you gather some of it on your finger, the first true touch you’ve graced him with.

Other than his pants, he’s in nothing but a black collar, ‘O’ ring dangling prettily over the notch of his collarbone. His white hair wild, his lips red from the way he’s been biting them in anticipation. You could probably make him do anything at this point.

Another little jolt when you spit on the head of his cock, and you watch his expression when you wrap your hand around him and squeeze.

“Ohh, fuck,” he hisses. You can feel the muscles under his skin spasm.

“You’re not gonna cum already, are you?”

“No! Nonono, I won’t!”

“Good.” He knows the rules. Only when you give him permission.

It only takes a few strokes for his eyes to roll into the back of his head, hips twitching minutely. He isn’t allowed to move unless you tell him to. Isn’t allowed to buck or wiggle. All he’s allowed to do is beg.

“Feels good, baby?”

“Y-yeah. Feels good.”

“You want me to go faster?”

His beautiful face scrunches up, probably debating if he’ll be able to keep from cumming, but in the end the need for pleasure wins. “Yes. Please, yeah, faster.”

So you do as he asks, beginning to pump his cock just a little quicker. The pre that’s leaking from his head mixes with your spit and makes it easy for your palm to glide over him, and you hope the camera is catching the shine of it. With your other hand you reach up to play with his balls, massaging them and giving tiny, mindful squeezes.

“Good—ah—fuck, fuck…”

The all powerful Satoru Gojo, so weak from a little handjob. Whatever would he do if this tape were to fall into the wrong hands?

“You know if you cum it just means you’ll have to make it up to me,” you warn.

“M’tryin’ not to,” he grunts out, voice tight.

“Oh yeah? How ‘bout I help you with that?” You press your nails into the seam of his sack. Not enough to puncture or draw blood, but enough to get his attention, to make him yelp and stave off the orgasm that you know was already approaching.

“God dammit!”

You grin at him sweetly. “Still feel like you need to cum?”

Judging by the way his dick is still throbbing in your hand you know the answer, but Satoru answers, “no,” and exhales in what might be relief.

“Good.”

He’s still leaking, and you take pleasure in lapping it up with your tongue, kitten licks that flick over his head and wet the little hole that sits at his crown. Satoru shudders and moans, head lolling backward. You suckle at his velvet skin and god, he has such a pretty cock. Hot and warm in your mouth when you finally take him in, thick as your throat closes around him, and so long, easily hitting the back of your throat. Saliva pools in your mouth, and you’re happy to make a mess, sloppy as you suck him off, making an effort to look at the camera even if the angle makes it hard to.

“Nngh, baby, fuck yes, so good…”

You play with his balls again, licking the base of his dick before moving to suck one of them into your mouth. His groans grow louder when you start pumping his cock, faster and faster, and then you stop sucking in order to eye his tip closely, purposely but carefully dipping the very, very tip of a nail into the slit of it.

Satoru swears loudly and cums on the spot, always did like a little pain with his pleasure.

“Fuck, sorry!” he cries, trembling as white spurts from his cock and splatters his pants and your chest. “S-sorry, sorry!”

“Oh, I know, honey. It’s okay. You can make it up to me by cleaning me off, yeah?”

You stand up and straddle him again, giggling when you sit on his extra sensitive cock now. He groans in discomfort but still tries to rut his hips up into you, not stopping when you pull his face to your chest.

Satoru eagerly laps at his mess, licking up every drop and string of cum, placing desperate kisses as he goes.

“Good boy,” you praise, holding his hair tightly as you push your tits into him further, humming happily when he sucks on one of your nipples.

You suppose he likes the lack of control, enjoys being able to give it up in a safe environment. Satoru is always under so much pressure. He may laugh and joke and make an all around ass of himself, but you’ve always been able to see the terror in those crystalline eyes. The self-doubt and self-hatred. What could I have done better? How could I have saved him? And you can’t do anything to take his regrets away from him, but you can make him forget about them temporarily.

It’s also why you film it, cathartic for him to rewatch and remember what powerlessness feels like (or could feel like) and that he can still be safe, still be taken care of. It’s not like the recordings can be posted anywhere. His reputation is that of an arrogant little shit, but if it got out that there was also a submissive side to Satoru Gojo, well… Having the recordings for yourselves is really all you need, though. Nobody else needs to know that the most feared sorcerer likes being walked around on a leash and having his balls stepped on.

“Your mouth feels so nice. Let’s put it to better use.” You push off of him again, walking behind the chair and making quick work of his hands. No sooner does he have them safely in front of him do you tip the chair backward, catching it before his head can hit the ground and laughing at the fearful shout that’s still echoing in the room.

“Sorry, baby. Didn’t want you to think you’re free just yet.”

Now on his back (albeit awkwardly) you lower yourself to his face, putting your weight on your knees and reaching down to unzip the crotch of your bodysuit.

Satoru actually whimpers at the sight of your pussy, eager to touch, and you slap his hands back down when he attempts to.

“Ah ah,” you sing. “Did I say you could touch me yet?”

“No,” he whispers. “Sorry.”

You hum, not quite as sadistic as you sometimes feel with him, but of course you still need to make him wait a little longer now.

“I’ll let you, but first you have to tell me how bad you want it. Tell me how pretty this cunt is.”

Immediately he’s a babbling mess, growing less and less coherent as you start laying feather light touches on his twitchy cock.

“Want it so bad please please so pretty so perfect drippin’ on my face right now please lemme taste you baby want you to suffocate me want you to sit on me I’m begging you fuck me please…”

You shush him, fingers slow and ghost-like on his dick. He’s bucking to gain more friction, hands clenched against the wood of the floor, and when you give him the permission he’s so desperately craving, Satoru lets out the most pitiful, grateful sob before he roughly pulls you to his face.

He eats your pussy like a starving man, straining his neck and tongue to lick as deeply as possible. You let him have his fun for a while, enjoy how he sucks on your clit and kisses your lips. You’ve felt slick gathering between your legs for some time now, so you know it’s drenching his face, but you haven’t even begun to make a mess out of him.

Once you’ve had enough of his clumsy feasting, you take hold of his thick hair again and start to ride him, commanding him to, “stick your tongue out, pretty boy,” so that you can grind against it. You rock back and forth expertly, hooded eyes looking toward the camera every so often, moaning at the sensation and gasping every time your swollen clit bumps against his nose.

Satoru doesn’t complain. You may be merciless, using him like a little toy, but he loves it. He’s told you.

If I could die with your thighs squeezin’ my head, I’d die a happy man.

You took it to heart and use it to your advantage, rubbing your pussy up and down his face until you feel heat spreading through your belly. You’re getting close, so close, he’s so good for you…

“I’m about to cum,” you warn him. “You want me to cum all over your pretty face, yeah?” He moans against you in confirmation, the hands at your hips digging into your skin and moving you faster. You didn’t tell him he could do that, but you’ll give him a pass. It’s only because he wants to drink you so bad.

Your orgasm crests, walls contracting, and you feel your pussy push more slick out of you along with a thin but steady stream of squirt.

Satoru releases a broken moan, Adam’s apple bobbing with every gulp of you he takes, dick twitching with his second climax. He releases a couple of thick strings, but the rest drips out of him, splattering over his stomach and pooling in his belly button. Once the waves stop crashing, you lean back against his knees, still hanging over the seat of the chair, and scoot back to sit on his chest without care of the white mess beneath you.

As predicted, his face is absolutely coated in your slick. Even his eyelashes are wet with it. His cheeks are red, lips swollen, but all he does is smack them in satisfaction, looking like the cat that got the cream.

“Enjoy yourself?” you chuckle at him.

He looks all fucked out when he nods. “Mhmm. Yes, ma’am.”

Feeling like you can finally walk, you stand up and once you gain your balance you help Satoru to his feet. Despite the fact that he’s considerably taller than you, you beam up at him and pet his face, still very much in charge when you tell him, “you did so well for me, Toru.”

His shoulders sag in relaxation, a soft, stoned smile spreading across his face. “Always wanna be good for you.”

You wipe his lips mostly clean of your cum then lightly pull him down for a kiss. Your endorphins are running high, and you know his are too. He took such good care of you, so it’s time for you to take care of him.

“Let’s take a bath, yeah? Get my pretty boy all cleaned up.”

He nods, blinking heavy eyes at you. Hooking a finger in the ring of his collar, you lead him into the bathroom, leveling one last little wink at the camera that’s still recording from the corner.

2023©️shdo-xplosion. please do not plagiarize, alter, or repost my work to any other platforms.

[muirmarie]

mcspirk month mYEAR planning post

idk if anyone likes these (these being planning posts), but here, it feels weird to have it tucked away in my notes when my BTHB and mcspirk bingo planning posts are on here, so. anywho. you know the drill: this is just me rambling, feel free to ignore!!

the bolded are those i still don't have a plan for <3 - as per my usual these are all tos unless otherwise noted

Day 1: Forced Proximity (“this isn’t a blessing,” mccoy hisses. “one day,” the king says, “you’ll see that is it.” - the one where spock and kirk cannot get more than an arm's length away from mccoy for 30 days w/o causing him debilitating pain)

Day 2: Touch-starved (spock and kirk cuddle mccoy out of touch starvation - this is like 75% done, I just need to finish it)

Day 3: Only One Bed (established mckirk to mcspirk. um. very nsfw. by far the most nsfw i’ve ever even considered writing lmao. currently sitting at almost 12k, probably will be around 15-17k all told. i don't even know how to describe this. kirk aggressively helping spock play gay chicken with mccoy until mccoy finally believes spock wants both of them, idk.)

Day 4: Hand Holding (maybe the one where spock & kirk slowly gaslight mccoy into holding hands with them - yes the tags are spones but i am very certain kirk would be very happy to gaslight mccoy into hand-holding as well)

Day 5: [hurt comfort or against a wall (no story planned)]

Day 6: Protective McCoy (no story planned *eta - actually i think i am going to take the one elian assigned me w/o even asking me lmao, where mccoy drinks the poison meant for kirk, but don't tell him that)

Day 7: Hand Kink (the one where spock is cucked w/ hand sex lmao)

Day 8: Public Display of Affection (would you still love and/or employ me if i was a worm?)

Day 9: Spock is a Hopeless Romantic (the flirty spock one probably?)

Day 10: [Hands or a bonus (no story planned)]

Day 11: Fuck or Die (vulcan sex magic hanahaki, this is, like. I have elements of it, but it’s not nailed down yet quite how it works. it's a vulcan disease but naturally mccoy's the one who gets it.)

Day 12: Aliens Made them Do It (the plato’s stepchildren one - i've been poking at this one since. like. january lmao. it's maybe 30% done, but it's not gonna be super long, i'm just slow with it. it is. hm. not a fluffy story. the platonians decide that mccoy simply needs to learn to say yes to them. how helpful they have spock and kirk around to help underscore the point.)

Day 13: [time loop or sex in a three way body swap or a bonus (no story planned, BUT do I really wanna write another time loop fic and/or can I really handle writing another smut fic lmao. If I did do time loop tho it would be the one where Kirk refuses to leave the time loop until he can solve the no-win scenario, i just don’t know how that goes yet. The sex in a three way body swap would be the AOS mcspirkura one, probably. Or the tos spones to mcspirk one. idk idk.)]

Day 14: Tarsus IV (kirk: i always knew i’d die alone. this is....jim character study, i think? I do need to come up w/ a happy (or at least: not sad) ending for it tho. So I’m still Thinking about this one.)

Day 15: Fake Dating (the one where the royal is trying to marry mccoy in order to keep him, and spock and kirk independently decide to fake date him to save him. also sarek loves trashy romance books. background uhura/scotty.)

Day 16: Lost the Ability to Speak (bones and uhura signing in federation common sign language - yes that's vague but all i need is something to center around tbh)

Day 17: McCoy Hurt w/ Spock & Kirk Comfort (this is like 95% of what i write lmao but i don’t have a specific plot yet)

Day 18: [Jealous Bones OR Oral Fixation (no story planned but it it’s jealousy it’s not gonna be traditional jealousy, bc I’m generally not a fan of jealousy storylines (unless all parties are unaware that they’re jealous - those I find VERY funny)]

Day 19: [Kirk is Missing, Presumed Dead or a bonus - probably a bonus (no story planned)]

Day 20: Accidental Voyeurism (okay the one where mccoy wakes up and his arm is trapped underneath kirk’s head and spock’s holding that hand as he’s laying on top of kirk and making out with him. I will have to find a plot tho. a reason. a Reason. It’s not established spirk either)

Day 21: Bondage (heh established spirk discovering mccoy’s penchant for getting tied up and/or tying others up and then literally not able to shut up about their platonic friends private habits for like a solid three months. they only care platonically of course. you don’t need those other ppl to tie you up bones you’ve got us. this one’s about 10% started.)

Day 22: Mirrorverse (mirrorverse katra sharing, it’s a whole thing, this is out of my wheelhouse but i have some Ideas, but this one isn’t going to be anytime soon)

Day 23: [reunion or teasing or a bonus (no story planned) - *eta actually for teasing i could maybe do the one where spock conducts an "experiment" in a private lab where he has mccoy & kirk work on a project for him while he gets extremely handsy w/ them - he's doing a study ("study" - they're all aware this is just spock's ideal version of foreplay) about human arousal in a working environment, and they're supposed to not let him distract them*]

Day 24: Temporary Blindness (this is going to be such a long messy mccoy whump story tbh. orpheus and eurydice part two. before i can even really start it tho i have to decide on pov, because that….really affects things for this one. but i mostly know how the story goes. also not anytime soon tho, maybe not even this year)

Day 25: Praise Kink (i COULD go temporary awkward ability if i don’t want to write anything too sexy, but the planned version is, like, kirk blossoms like a bashful babe and spock is genuinely moved when it comes to praise, but mccoy turns bright red and wants them to stop? BUT they like so much the way he flushes and struggles to accept the praise that they ask him to be good for them because THEY like it, and so he’s absolutely mortified but still? allows it for them? and they of course like it because they want to make him accept it.)

Day 26: Expectations vs Reality (counseling fic! The one where spock and kirk are dating but still somehow drag mccoy to their relationship counseling.)

Day 27: Vacation Gone Awry (no story planned) (*eta actually i think i'm changing this to Voyeurism and stretching that to make it work for the spirk - they keep coming up w/ weird sex injuries until they can finally convince mccoy to come over to help them figure out what they're doing wrong....he probably needs to watch....actually maybe hands on is better....actually maybe he just needs to stay forever*)

Day 28: Awkward Spock (checking for pulse over the liver instead of the wrist because he forgets where human hearts are when jim or leonard is hurt)

Day 29: Getting Interrupted (mcspirk sexy 3d chess - that’s right they’re interrupting mccoy’s WORK lmao)

Day 30: Desperate Measures (the enemy within one that’s 80% finished where kirk’s wolf and sheep sides both have to have sex w/ mccoy while spock melds with them both, all for very important science reasons - don’t worry about it.)

Day 31: Insecurity (*eta - mccoy gets out of a LDR and is bummed, and kirk tries to cheer him up by putting his name up for the underground "sexiest starfleet officer" bracket that scotty & uhura are running, to prove to mccoy that ppl find him attractive. unfortunately it turns out the crew finds him VERY attractive, kirk is having some jealously-related revelations, spock is gonna kill jim if he has to watch mccoy get asked out one more time, and mcco is yay close to having a nervous breakdown from being turned into a sex symbol*)

Bonus 1: nightmares (look this is fucked, just trust me this is a very messy thing and it is very fucked and i have to make all my maths fit together before i write it or it will feel too flimsy and fall apart, but. kirk's trapped in a nightmare by a parasite that bleeds into the waking world (there are reasons for it) that cause physical damage to mccoy. spock melds w/ kirk to try to change the dream. this has unexpected side effects. - this one WILL be written for mcspirk month i just don't know what day i'm replacing yet.)

Bonus 2: pet names (i think i might be able to fit the kiss me/fuck me fic into this prompt but i’m not 100% sure yet - aka the one where mccoy & kirk use “kiss me” as a SFW swear for “fuck me” and “don’t make me kiss you” as a SFW swear for “fuck you” and annoy everyone around them w/ this silly in joke until one time mccoy says “kiss me” w/o thinking to spock, and spock’s just. hmm. don’t mind if i do. and kirk thinks it’s so funny he starts kissing mccoy all the time as WELL. very pre-them even realizing they want a relationship (except for spock, spock has Plans, thank you). this will be written at SOME point, it depends if i need another bonus/if it fits the prompt enough.)

Other bonuses i’d consider if i need them, but no stories planned: blindfolds, misuse of the bond, uhura helps them out.

Other vague stories i have that i could rotate until they might fit a prompt: pacific rim au, space forgetties, [number]+1 of mccoy getting kissed awake/the +1 getting kissed to shut him up, spock going through the wringer re: mccoy getting hurt (that was written spones but could easily by mcspirk), empath era katra au, post-empath spock won't stop touching mccoy, katra transfer requires a kiss, this isn’t even all of them, it genuinely is absurd how many tag spirals i’ve written like this lmaoooo /sigh 

[isuckatwritingsobenice]

Bittersweet

Alastor x reader + Vox x reader ( Slight Valentino x reader )

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Requests are open!

Warnings: implied fem!reader, cursing, mentions of drinking, mentions of sex, mentions of killing / violence, Valentino being a horny bastard, Alastor calls himself a serial killer, slightest mention of drugs, drunk sex, Lilith unintentionally plays matchmaker while her man is drunk on her arm, Valentino and Vox bicker for like two seconds, smut with a bit of plot, praise kink!, name calling, P in V, no protection ( WRAP BEFORE YOU TAP )

Notes: Reference photos will be underlined with a link to the reference ! When a paragraph startles with o it’ll be in authors POV

“ I hope you all enjoy the rest of the party! Let us celebrate!” Lucifer said, Lilith smiling proudly by his side. Everyone cheered, raising they’re glasses up. Some had a hard alcohol, some had alcohol with drugs, and some filled with champagne, the prudes with water others with blood. All glasses were raised in a toast to the new year. As everyone began to split into small conversations, I took the time to walk around a bit, admiring the MorningStar estate. Lilith’s theme this year has been Masquerade. She had, so the rumor goes, a new dress made for her in honor of her daughter’s new hotel opening up. Though her daughter was no where to be seen at this lavish party.

I made my way towards one of the large doors, which opened to the wrap around balcony that went around the third floor, with stairs connecting to the second and fourth floor on opposite ends. From where I had been standing on the balcony, I could see the clear garden and outstretched further, a large body of red water. I leaned onto the railing, taking a sip from my glass as I stared at the red moon.

It’s almost time for the New Year to start. That means the angels are coming to do a bit of a… clean up. Some had started early. Not like it mattered to the higher up demons who took sanction at the Morningstar mansion every year. Keeping most of Hell’s ranks in place. Aside from the few individuals that liked to fight the angels. Usually to earn bragging rights.

I had never done so myself, seeing as it was a waste of time. Not like killing one would get me out of here anyways. However, it definitely didn’t go unnoticed how there seemed to be more people at the party this year. I fixed the back of my mask, securing it tightly onto my head.

“ You seem bored.” I heard from beside me. I didn’t give myself time to react, I simply continued to stare at the moon.

“ And if I was? What do you suppose you could do about it?” I asked, my nails digging into the palm of my hand, nerves rattling.

“ What would you like me to about it?” He said, and it didn’t take long for me to realize who I was speaking too.

“ Hello Valentino.” I said, taking a sip from my glass with a roll of my eyes. This horny bastard.

“ What gave it away?” He asked as he took his mask off with a grin.

“ You’re horrible personality.” I responded, downing the last of my champagne.

“ Never expected the daughter of a sin to be so hostile. Maybe you need someone to teach you a lesson, hm~?” He said, his finger coming to caress my face, making me look at him, his nose getting closer to mine.The flirting was the usual, but the suggestiveness in his tone seemed to strike something else in me. Something hot.

“ Keep your dick in your pants Val.” Oh goodie, a third party. How much more interesting could this get? Valentino pulls away from me with a chuckle. I huffed and spun my glass in a circle, now kind of sad I finished my drink.

“ Or what? Gonna make me~?” Valentino teased, before he was pushed to the side.

“ I think this conversation is done. I’m going back inside. Have fun sucking each other off.” I say, clearly annoyed as I let go of my glass, letting it fall from the balcony and onto the ground where a faint shatter can be heard.

“ Oh doll don’t leave so soon- ow!” Valentino says.

“ Honestly Val, control yourself.” Vox replies, now clearly over his shit. I make my way back inside, pushing through the crowds of people as I make my way to the opposite side of the room, connected to yet another balcony. Thankfully, this side seemed to be far less intriguing, which meant no disturbances.

“ Oh Y/n~!” I hear, and it’s Lilith as she pushed the door open, walking with her dead husband and Alastor behind her. “ I have someone I want you to meet.” She says with a smile, as if I didn’t know who he was. Of course I knew who he was. How could I not? “ Al this is-“ Lilith begins, but I save her the time.

“ Y/n L/n. I know who your name so you can save the introductions. What is this about Lilith?” I ask, silencing Alastor, his smile turning from friendly to now nervous, watching Lilith’s express change to annoyance.

“ Well, I wanted you two to try and get alone. However, seeing as you both already know of each other I’ll leave you both to it.” She said, turning with her husband drunkenly holding onto her arm as she brought him back inside. “ Oh, Alastor please make sure she get’s home safe.” Lilith said, before shutting the door and going back into the party. Like I needed him.

“ So… you get out much?” I asked, before Alastor smiled. This is gonna be a long night.

┈ ┈ ┈ ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ ┈ ┈ ┈

“ Another one?” Alastor asks, as he hands me another glass, this time of whiskey. I cant really remember how much I’ve had to drink at this point ; nor do so care.

“ Don’t be silly. This is nothing.” I say, taking a large sip from my glass, ignoring the burning in my throat. “ Cmon have some. Have a drink with me.” I say, giggling slightly as I lean into him, the coolness of the railing helping me cool down.

“ I don’t know dear, you heard Lilith, get you home safe.” He responds. I groan and lay my head on his shoulder.

“ Al cmon, please.” I whine, setting my glass on the floor, before my arms go to wrap around his waist, pulling him into a hug. “ Have a drink, please.” I beg, and I can feel the way he laughs, his voice ringing through his chest. I press my cheek to the middle of his chest, before tightening my hold on him.

“ Dear, you know I can’t do that.” Alastor says, and I groan. Stupid Lilith for having some dumb emotional claim on me and stupid Alastor for listening to her.

“ Just have one, please, for me.” I beg, hands tugging as his, what used to be, neatly ironed vest, his jacket hanging soundly on the railing.

“ Darling, you do realize your asking a serial killer to have a drink with you. What if I kill you?” Alastor asks, as I stare up at him through my lashes, face still close to his chest. His arms move to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer.

“ I don’t mind dying twice.” I say with a small giggle, and Alastor lets a large smile take over his face, as a sound of a crowd laughing plays from Alastor.

“ Fine. One drink.” Alastor says, as I let out a celebratory squeal, throwing my arms around his neck to pull him into a hug.

“ See, you’ll have fun I promise!” I say, bending down to grab my drink as we head inside to get Alastor one as well.

A few drinks later, Alastor and I are back on the balcony, laughing as I take my shoes off and attempt to walk in a straight line, holding the sides of my dress up so I can see my feet.

“ Am I doing it?” I ask as Alastor crouches down to see if I’m in a straight line or not.

“ I think so! You’re doing great dear!” Alastor says as he throws his head back, finishing the rest of his drink. So far, at least from what I can remember, Alastor has has five drinks of a name I can’t remember right now, and I’ve had eight cups of whiskey. Neither one of us are sober enough to think of anything coherent. As I continue to walk, I wobbly a bit and Alastor laughs as I try to keep my balance. “ Almost there! A few more steps!” Alastor encourages and I try my hardest to do it correctly. I take a few more steps before I let the sides of my dress go, throwing my hands in air in excitement, I had finally made it to him.

“ I told you, I told you I could do it!” I said laughing as Alastor stood, his arms wrapped around my waist, spinning my around as my feet were lifted from the ground.

“ You did wonderfully dear! m’so very proud of you!” He said, laughing as he set me down. His praise causing butterflies to erupt in my stomach, almost knocking the wind out of me. As Alastor was about to pull back from me I tightened my hold around his shoulders.

“ Say it.” I said, my voice in a hushed whisper. I could feel him tense under my hold.

“ W-what? Dear-“ Alastor asked, confused, as his hands moved to settle on my waist, above the large poof of my dress.

“ I wanna hear it again. Wanna hear you say your proud of me again.” I say, hands running down the tops of his shoulders to brush his shoulder blades. He shivers a bit, before there’s a soft kiss on my shoulder, the strap of mg dress falling slightly.

“ I’m so proud of you. You did so good for me.” It comes as a whisper, but it’s more than enough to have me squeeze my thighs together. The air is tense, and neither one of us move for a bit. It’s quiet, the only noise coming from inside, where the guests are in a whole other world. Alastor leans up a bit, cause my hands to fall to the front of his arms. His eyes are dark, different from before.

“ A-are you okay?” I ask, stomach suddenly empty. The look he’s giving me isn’t one I can pinpoint. He doesn’t speak, leaving my question unanswered as he leans closer to me as I impulsively back up, trying to create space. Maybe I should’ve listened to him when he said he was a killer. What if I really do die twice? It’s only when my back hits the cool meta bar or the balcony railing that I realize he’s caged me in. How dumb can I be? I don’t say anything, holding my breath as Alastor get’s closer, his hands now on either side of me, holding onto the railing. Since when did he roll his sleeves up? That was new, or at least something new I had noticed. I glance from his forearms, which were decorated in lovely veins that stuck out as he held onto the metal, before looking back at him, his eyes holding a cold stare. “ Al-“ I couldn’t finish, Alastor closing the gap between us with a kiss, and it was rough. Like if the kindness I had seen a second ago was all a facade. Regardless, I kissed back, my hands holding onto the railing behind me for support. He was quick, his hand moving up my side carefully, over my ribs, up the side of my breaste up gently sweeping over my shoulder. Before I could process what was happening I felt a harsh grip on my throat.

He was choking me. I let out a small gasp at the attack, my hands letting go of the railing as I reached forward to hold onto his wrist, while he had taken the chance to quite literally shove his tongue down my throat. I couldn’t breathe, gasping for hair as he continued to kiss me, my hands holding on his wrist for what little life I had left. My eyes began to water, my throat feeling as if it was closing up, my head spinning with the lack of air and the intensity of our makeout. Just when I thought I was going to pass out, Alastor pulled away, his hand falling to my side, his kissed descending down my cheek and to my jaw. Tears had began to fall from my eyes, partially out of relief that I wasn’t dead ( again ) and partially because the ache between my legs, despite my lack of air moments prior, had grown increasingly stronger.

“ Your skin is soft.” Alastor says, kissing my cheek one last time before pulling back to stair at me. His eyes light up in amusement at my current state. Panting and catching my breath, my hair is probably a mess and my lips are sore, most likely swollen while my hand unconsciously moves to massage my neck, where his hand had previously been. “ Was I too rough?” Alastor asks, his hand gently moving mine out of the way, his hands gently massaging my neck. I nod a bit, as one of his hands moves to wipe a tear that had fallen.

“ Do it again.” I say. Alastor stops, blinking at me a few times. He seems shocked I would request for him to do it again. My hands reach up to his, forming his hands around my neck. “ Please.” I say, before there’s a shit eating grin on his face.

“ Hm, why? Why should I? Do you like it?” Alastor asks, his hands squeezing ever so slightly. I nod, quickly hoping he’d carry on with it. I begin to fidget, my legs squeezing intensely together to try to relieve some of the stress I feel. Alastor seems to have noticed, because he removes his hands from my neck, before bending down to grab his now empty glass. “ Let’s go.” Alastor says, before I rush behind him, slipping my shoes on quickly and trying to tame my hair. I follow him like a pathetic puppy through the crowds of people, determined not to lost him.

I push through the crowd of people, my mask discarded and probably the only thing i’m clutching onto. As if things couldn’t be much harder for me, everyone began to get a lot closer together, some making out with one another, probably with they’re tops off, others passing a blunt along a line, everything seemed to happen all at once. Looking up I finally realized why. It was ten o’clock. Two hours before the new year. Everyone was cramming together, trying to be at the front of the large ball in the front of the room, which would signal the new year.

I panic when I see Alastor far ahead of me, people in my way of him. He seems to be having a specific destination in mind, since he hasn’t looked back at me since we started walking. I push through the people that are in my way, only one thing on my mind. Getting to Alastor. I had finally pushed through the last few people before I had reached as far as I could to grab onto him. He turned around, looking at my quickly before his hand moved to hold mine, leading me to wherever it was he wanted to go. “ I apologize love, I should’ve done this earlier.” Alastor says, his hand holding onto mine tightly as we continue to walk through the busy crowd. It’s only when we push through two large doors that I realize he had been leading me to the garden this entire time.

“ Why are we here?” I ask, now suddenly confused. Alastor pays no mind to my question, a staff appearing at his side, now fully dressed in his tailcoat. In front of him a portal opens, and on the other side is… a room?

“ Come now dear, time to finish what we started.” Alastor said, waiting for me to follow him through the portal.

┈ ┈ ┈ ⋞ 〈 ⏣ 〉 ⋟ ┈ ┈ ┈

I don’t know how long we’ve been like this. Going from a disastrous crowd to now a fit of giggles and kisses, the alcohol seeping back into my system reminding me just how much I drank. My lipstick is smeared, my dress is hiked up and bunched at my hips while my back is against the wall, my hands occupying themselves through Alastor’s hair, careful of his antlers. The straps of my dress fall as Alastor moves his kisses down to my neck, sucking at my pulse point. Everything feels that much more intense and hot, his knee between my thighs, giving me just enough friction not to come undone but to have some relief. There’s an old cd on Alastor’s record player, though it seems pointless.

All coherent thoughts leave my mind when I feel Alastor teeth sink into my shoulder, my back arching a bit into him, hips stuttering. “ Oh, oh my god. W-wait Alastor you, hmph.”My mind feels fuzzy, blank, his knee just right to rub my clit in the most delicious way my toes curl. Alastor pulls away from my shoulder, and with the way it aches I just know there’s definitely going to be a mark there by tomorrow.

“ Too much? Can’t handle it?” Alastor asked, moving to kiss the other side of my neck.

“ No no no, I can I can. I just, too quick. Too much, mm” Alastor raised his brows.

“ Too quick? Darling you won’t be thinking that when I’m done with you.” Alastor said, and it was the only warning I had gotten before I felt two of his fingers sliding down my folds.

“ Al- Oh yes.” Two of his fingers pushed, almost bullied their way through my pussy, achingly slow and almost frustrating. However, when I felt the tip of his fingers curl a bit, I knew it would be worth the wait. He gradually picked up the pace, his fingers moving in and out, picking up the pace every few seconds. The sounds were obscene, almost straight out of one of Valentinos porno’s. When had he even found the time to take make panties off? We’re they even off? I couldn’t tell, handing gripping the edge of my dress, holding it up for him as my hips began to grind down onto his hand. “ Please please please.” The words fell with no actual meaning. I could feel my stomach start to turn, tightening, just a bit more.

“ Please what? What do you want?” Alastor asked, his fingers moving quicker, almost too fast. Tears began to form, my eyes watering and my vision turning hazy. My legs spread further apart, wanting more.

“ More, more I want more.” I said frantically, practically riding his fingers.

“ More what? Use your words. I wanna hear it. I know you can.” Alastor said, his thumb coming up to circle my clit, my eyes squeezing shut at the sensation.

“ Mm, wanna cum, please please let me cum. Please.” I cried, tears falling down the sides of my face, head back against the wall while my back arched, his fingers moving at a brutal pace.

“ Do you deserve to cum? Do you think I should let you?” Alastor asked, before I nodded frantically, feeling drool spill from the corners of mg mouth.

“ Yes, yes I do! P-please! I swear I’ll be good, jus’ - oh - jus-t for you. All for you.” The words spilled before I could even register what I was thinking. Alastor grinned, before he slipped a third finger in.

“ I think you’ve been a good girl tonight, don’t you think? Go on, cum all over my fingers like a good girl. My good girl.” Fuck if that didn’t do it. I came, hard, all over his fingers, and he fucked me through my orgasm with his fingers, his lips catching my own in a kiss, swallowing up all my moans.

“ Mm, Alastor too much. T-too much.” I said, pushing his hand away, while his fingers continued to move in and out of me. Everything felt like so much, everything was hot and it felt like my head was spinning.

“ Let’s get this dress off, hm?” Alastor said, finally pulling his fingers out, and watching as a string of slick connected from his fingers to my pussy, almost embarrassing at how he stared, separating his fingers slowly and watching them almost stick my back together. “ Let me clean these real quick.” Alastor said, before bringing his fingers up to my mouth.

“ Suck.” He said, his tone demanding. I took two of his fingers in my mouth, swirling my tongue around it, tasting myself on his fingers. With a ‘pop’ I took his third and final finger into my mouth, trying to please him as best as I could. He pulled his finger from my mouth before kissing the top of my forehead. He pulled me away from the wall a bit, his hands reaching to the back of my dress and pulling at the zipper, tugging it down. The straps of my dress had began to fall, and only now did I realize I hadn’t worn a bra, since the dress had one built in. The dress fell to the floor, and my hands had quickly went to cover myself. “ Do not. I want to see all of you.” Alastor said, that same demanding tone taking over again.

In a matter of minutes we both end up on the bed, Alastor’s clothes being messily thrown off while trying to stay as close to me as possible. It was addicting, to be so close to one another like this. His hands raked my sides, before stoping to cup one of my breasts. His kisses has faltered, moving down to my collar bone. “ Mm, c-careful.” I said, knowing that my breasts had been extra sensitive due to the confinement of the dress. Though that did anything but make Alastor gentle. From palming my breast he had pinched and pulled at my nipple, moving down to suck the other. My hips had a mind of their own, trying to find some friction while Alastor’s hips kept my legs apart in a torturous position.

“ Look at you, my good girl, so responsive.” Alastor said, before switching his assault to the opposite breast, before pinching the other, drawing a loud moan from me that was almost pornographic.

“ P-please, careful, they’re, mm fuck, they’re sensi- oh yes - mm they’re sensi, sensit-tive.” The stuttering of my words made him grin, pulling away from my breast that was now covered in marks.

“ Are they? I wonder how sensitive they are.” Alastor said, using both hands to grope them. He was rough, not caring about being soft anymore. “ Wondered how pretty they would look at that party. Stumbling around wearing a dress not knowing what eyes are watching.” He said, giving a particular rough squeeze. I hissed, back arching while my hands had gripped at the bedsheets. Spreading my legs, I felt my mind start to turn to jelly.

“ Please, I need you.” I said hoping he would understand what I meant.

“ Where? Where do you need me? Be a good girl use your words.” Alastor said, his hands moving to run down my sides, before he began to caress my thighs.

“ Need you, p-please don’t make me say it.” I begged, and it was pathetic but so was admitting to him that I wanted to be fucked. He shook his head, sliding his hands under my knees and pushing my legs up a bit.

“ If you don’t say it I’ll just leave you like this. You wouldn’t want that would you?” Alastor asked, and I shook my head furiously, not wanting to be edged. “ Tell me what you want, what you need.” He said, his eyes staring right through me.

“ Need you, need you to fuck me Alastor. Please! I’ll be good I promise! I promise I’ll be good. I jus’ need you. Need you now. Can’t wait any longer.” I begged, and Alastor smiled wide, pressing my knees back.

“ Hold your legs there. You let them go and you won’t like what’s next.” Alastor said, and he was firm as he spoke. I nodded, holding my legs where he had left them. “ Tell me if I need to stop, okay?” Alastor asked, before I nodded. He stroked himself a few times, using the pre-cum as a lubricant. He was careful when moving at first, going slow, and trying to sink in inch by inch…

so this is unfinished 😅, i got lazy but i don’t wanna keep this in my drafts so here it is!

[sminiac]

I drank a tea way too late at night and now it's almost 7am with no sleep so pardon me if I'm totally incoherent but. I've been playing my death metal favourites all night and I can't stop thinking of like. Xikers with a super scary chains+spikes metalhead s/o... Who among them would be intimidated and submissive to them and who would rise up and give them a challenge, rough them up like the bed is a mosh pit... I have my own ideas already but I'm curious to what others would think

I like the way you think🤭

At times Minjae has some lip to him, so I feel like he’d enjoy the taunting aspect to it, like purposefully being excessively difficult with you, whiny refusals and muttering back complaints under his breath when you ask something of him, he’s continuous in doing it only loud enough for you to hear, but muttered so it isn’t distinct enough to properly make out. It’s really all a ploy to get you riled up, quietly admires you with darting eyes, your aesthetic an entirely new sight to him that’s done not in a disingenuous way, he can’t help but fawn over you, especially when you’re being mean, when you aren’t treating him like delicate glass. Being used yet simultaneously taken care of would definitely be a sort of coping mechanism for him, knows he’s in safe hands so he just completely lets go, he’s yours, utterly and completely.

Ex: He’d definitely have a thing for particularly sharp jewelry, or even nails, the pleasure you provide his cock with mitigating the burning sting of something sharp being dragged across his thighs/chest that’s not quite sharp enough to break skin, but it’s something about the red lines appearing in the aftermath that has him wanting more.

Junmin would honestly, in my opinion, be quite the wildcard, I feel like surface level most would assume that he’d submit with ease, but something about him is telling me that he wouldn’t. Well, most of the time. I’d say maybe 50/50, like sometimes he’s whimpering out pleas that you: “Be mean to me, want you to be mean.” And would secretly enjoy the way you handle him so firmly, holding him by the square of his jaw, forcing him to watch the way your hand glides up and down his cock, a few degrading words slipping while you’re riding him, acting out only so he can receive more, but he’d also like to see someone as intimidating as you brought down to a whimpering puddle beneath him, because of him.

Ex: maybe it’s just me though, but I think he’d be so taunting about it, loves to point out everything, making fun of you but promises to make you feel good, that he’ll make up for it. I think the juxtaposition of being perceived as more soft and sweet vs enjoying being the one in charge is something that would feed into this too. Also, having his arms and legs restrained would be something he’s into, depends on the day.

For Sumin… now I had to come back to do him last because if I thought about it for too long my heart would break through the interior of my chest. I’m gonna play into the mean!Sumin thing I brought up recently because the image I have of him in my head fits a little too perfectly, but he’d definitely be the most aggressive, by far. Because tell me he wouldn’t stick his fingers down your throat to shut you up while he’s got you backed up against a wall, fucking up into you, his pace brutal, unfaltering. He can be so sweet and praising but if you want the. he’s saying nothing to you other than utter filth.

Ex: let me stop right there, but his arms 😵‍💫 putting you in a headlock??? Nah okay, I’m done let me chill out. He’d have a thing for stretched ears (self indulgent?) thinks they’re so cool, especially the tapers lol.

I think there’s no way Jinsik would wanna put up a fight against you, the most he’d have in his arsenal is a few weak snaps that he’d quickly apologize for, taking his words back as he’s scrambling to keep you close to him, sweet thing, just wants to feel you, wants you all over him. The type to be so fascinated by your level of self expression, brags about it, countless compliments whispered to you in public when he’s feeling needy and just can’t wait until you’re back at the dorms. Thinks it’s sexy how you take on the dominant role, has a thing for egging you on, “You gonna use me? God- please do, ‘s all I want, however you want me I’m all yours, only yours.”

Ex: would have a thing for his hair being pulled, and not the dainty tugs at his scalp but forcefully moving his head by a simple fist full of his hair, wants to be messed with, wants to be marked up, in whatever way you possibly can. Also, having a thing for his cock being hit/slapped, tries so hard not to cum on the spot, but if your spitting on it after, stroking him gently to make up for your harshness in quiet then he can’t help it.

Hyunwoo… now listen, this may be crazy but I can see him holding you down, like face down ass up with one arm, the other cracking harsh, self indulgent slaps against you, likes seeing how red your ass gets, his jaw pulled tight when you’re garbling out jumbled cries that it: “Hurts, Woo it stings- more!” over the wet sound of your cunt repeatedly swallowing him in. Would also have a thing for teasing you to the brink of tears, feigning empathy with a dramatic bump to his lip as his hand smooths against the irritated skin. “Poor baby, but you’re doing so good f’me, taking my cock so well. Makes me wonder how people would react to seeing you so obedient, letting me fuck you like this.”

Ex: a favourite position would have to be the mating press, likes seeing you cry while he’s fucking into you at an incomprehensible pace, the tip of his cock bumping into a place that has your vision going fuzzy at the edges. Pride swells inside in his chest when he sees that your eye makeup is completely ruined, especially if you use a lot of eyeliner/dark eye shadow.

[dinoalexander]

Your Moment of Zen: The World Famous Semi-Quotable 2023 Quotedown Quotetacular (NSFL)

The following is created from encounters from many friends and loved ones over the past year. And it is my honor to say... READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. === Y'all know what this is... We've done this 21 times before... Here comes #22.... ... as we proceed... ... to give you what you need... ... 2023 QUOTE WALL, LET'S GO! === “Happy 2023! Everything has been perfectly fine the first 2 minutes. Don't screw it up for the rest of us over the next 364 days, 23 hours, and 58 minutes.” -Klaussie

“We won the game. You get a prize, honey. And here is mine!” -The Fifteenth Doctor

“You did the first good thing of 2023. Now you have 364 days to fuck it up.” -Jay “And you know I will…” -C “Multiple times over.” -Jay

“Looks the same, but all the racehorses are one year older.” -Joe T.

“I think Will’s favorite line is “it feels good to be a gangsta” … every time he helps a perp walk.” -Bing

“On New Year's Eve, everyone says that they support you when you fall. On January 2nd, the only thing that's going to support you when you fall is the floor.” -G.

“ I can smell your throat and want to murder you every moment of the day… Romance.” -Shannon

Gordon: BAD BAD PLANT! Jason: I have to report it to PPS Gordon: PPS? Jason: Plant Protective Services Gordon: He's so bad

“The things I miss when I go to bed at the crack of 10.” -C

“Printer + Edge of Table = Always Trouble.” -Hollywood

“So I've been downgraded from hated to just disliked. That's progress.” -G. “Listen… if you don’t go out and get your Monday… somebody else will.” -Miss Sarah

Gordon: You want to see Scream 5? Carlos: I live in your apartment. I think that movie is not gonna scare me

“All hail the Mighty Pop-Tart!” -Hirsh

Gordon: My plant pooped a $100 Money egg. Chico: Hope you wiped afterward. Gordon: Always

“He showed talent, which disappointed me.” -Jay

“You know these are people you want to work with when we are not just talking about The Joker's Wild, but The BILL CULLEN version of The Joker's Wild.” -G., geeking out. “You’re working with keepers.” -Chico “"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" That's cute and all but have you ever had street tacos while drunk at 2am sold by a nice old Hispanic lady saying "¡Qué lindo! ¡Estás demasiado flaco! ¡Come más!"?” -Kim

“Covid Rica.” -G.

“And now here is your deep thought for a Friday. The first person who ever saw a parrot talk was probably not OK for quite some time afterwards. Think about it.” -Brian

Keep the masks on! -G. I was in the bathroom -Bowler You don't pee through your nose -G.

Get me a ferret or I will cut your balls off - Carlos

I'm pretty sure I didn't intentionally create a User Access Denied page to block me from working -G. ...Or did you? -Boss “FAA had to unplug it and then plug it back in again.” -Heather

“Nothing left to do but throw it out into the universe in the hopes that NMRK course-corrects.” -C

“Listening to country music and sitting on a bed of nails must be similar experiences.” -Sarah

“I’d rather roll in honey butt naked and sprinkle sugar all over myself before jumping on an ant nest the size of a Walmart before ever wanting my baby daddy back. I barely wanted him the first time!” -Jenn

“YouGov paid for my last pair of AirPods, and I’m sure they’ll pay for my next pair as soon as I lose these.” -John Lang, Audit the Audit

“Don't forget the rings. You know what finger they go on, right?” -Carlos “Yes, they are right next to the F*ck You Finger.” -G. “YES! Ha ha ha ha ha ha” -Carlos “Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox Mailbox” -Carlos

“On a side note, I got the lewdle quicker than the wordle, which should surprise no one.” -G.

“O Canada, je suis la jeune fille.” -Statboy “He spoke French, but he’s not French. He’s American!” -Brian

“If you can eat it and like it, I'll be moving towards getting the sponsorship. If it kills you, then I won't.” -G.

“And now the 49ers are in a dire situation at QB… and wait, something’s happening in the stadium tunnel.. good God that’s Colin Kaepernick’s music!” -Mark Ellis

“No one likes Butt-Ass Naked Lanes.” -Panther

“My plant has the munchies.” -G.

“That hairstyle was a choice.” -Brian

“Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff.” -George W.

“We may have a bigger bunch of haterade next week.” -G. “I'll bring the Church Key.” -C

“Can’t play Lingo without my lucky balls.” -RuPaul, host of Lingo

“Come. Let us play night.” -C

“When you’re in the toilet in Scotland, the smell of cow shit and horse shit overpowers the smell that any human can produce.” -Q

“I'm a stay at home pro bowler.” -Charles K. “You're a stay at home cabbage.” -Justin K.

(Watching Meta taking a Dive) JD Witherspoon somewhere is laughing sipping some tea. -G.

“Herb Abrams! HE FAT!” -C “Next time you're about to complain about cancel culture just remember that a man who is currently under investigation for attempting to overthrow the United States government just got cast as like the Happy Li'l Slice o' Cake on The Masked Singer.” -Dave Holmes

“Can a Game Show stop a Civil War?” -Dave Statman

“Nestor Cortes is on the 15-day DL.” -Greg “Oh, that gives him 15 days to go molest somebody.” -Klaussie

“We’ll get started once we figure out what all these wires do!” -Cory

“What the hell is this nonsense?” -Jordan, on a Dook sweater in the Dean Dome

“Not this game show shit again.” -Carlos.

“Let’s take their Chinese balloon money.” -Jay

“Shut the front door!” -Q “The door is firmly shut. And bolted.” -cruise director Lee

“Kath & Kim… and the Power Rangers Razzle Dazzle Show!” -Klaussie

“A mountain is only unclimbable until it’s climbed.” -Q

“It’s only a Champagne Ranger if it comes from the Champagne region of the Morphin Grid.” -somebody re: Russell Curry’s Cosmic Fury costume

“There is no saving throw for bullshit.” -someone at Jay’s D&D.

“If you are showing any foul play, you will be sent to your dressing room. And if it is really dirty, you’ll be sent to mine.” -The Governess

“No spoilers! I don’t want to know how it ends! Oh wait…” -Paul, re: the HQ Trivia doc

“He couldn’t have been more open if he was wearing a neon sign that said ‘Throw it to me, you idiot!’” -Brian

“Tomorrow's going to be a real banner day for Rich People Who Like Wearing Fancy Hats to Things.” -Kit, on May 6

“Applebee’s food is piss. Even the Hooters we have is slightly better.” -Carl “That’s because Hooters piss is $2.50.” -Kim

“Student: "What's that (you're eating)?" Me: "Prosciutto wrapped around mozzarella cheese." Student: "What's prosciutto?" Me: "A kinda-salty, kinda-fatty ham, just like me." Student is dead.” -Klaussie

“That was uncomfortable. I enjoyed it.” -Jay

“I’m not ashamed. I’m a gentleman. There’s a difference.” -C

“This car is on firrrrrrrrreeeeee!” -G

“What is it with animals and me and shit?” -Q

Jay; “yeah that means…” C: “I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS JASON!” -subject; Bad Bunny’s “Titi Me Preguntó”

“Dad humor numbs the pain.” -Swoop

“Who shot Lee Harvey Oswald?” -Quizmaster “THE CIA!” -… somebody.

“K-LOVE… Imagine what would happen if Great American Family was a radio station.” -C

“TL;DR: Arte Moreno is a cheap, money-grubbing piece of shit.” -JVG

“I’m In Denver for a few while I make my connecting flight to Atlanta. And I’m not gonna lie to you the thin air at this altitude is starting to get to me… for starters, I’m beginning to think this unicorn named Sylvia that I’ve been talking to for the last 30 minutes isn’t real.” -Brian

“Ahh Facebook, still can't tell a joke from your own assholes, can you?” -Justin

“The Giants can have a hot chick as a quarterback and still fail to score.” -G

“My brain is not braining right now…” -everyone.

“You can tell the writers are on strike because you’d never put a hurricane and an earthquake in the same episode.” -Buzzy

“Because Pete Davidson is a man-whore, that’s why.” -Tom

“If I have to ride my autodrafted fantasy team’s ass with a known sexual deviant to the finish, so be it!” -Jay

“New York is the greatest city in the world. Toronto isn’t even the greatest city in Canada.” -The Professor

“Swifties could find Emily Miscavage.” -Emily

“WLTI has been brought to you by Outside your Bubble Burst. Watch JD Witherspoon and others notate on the demise of Facebook and Spotify. Very. Very. Slowly.” -G.

“It's a cross between a Jackson Pollack painting and a Quentin Tarantino movie.” -Evil Travis

“They look like rabbits who have been through some shit.” -Caitlin

“Whoever dances to Beauty and the Beast gets an unfair advantage. All they have to do is recreate the ballroom scene. And they get votes! Dance to the Gaston song. Everyone hates Gaston. Turn that into a dance that gets you votes.” -Q

“Have you ever considered using your gifts for good?” -me after Q pretty much nails how to use “Beauty and the Beast” as an advantage on Disney+ Night of Dancing With the Stars.

“Dangerous fluids everywhere.” -Jay, on Megan’s house

“If you work hard as a kid, you will play hard as an adult. If you play hard as a kid, you’ll end up working hard as an adult.” -Q

“Boy Zaxbys just out here saying to hell with all y’all.” -Big Rick

“My plant is bloated.” -Gordon “It needs an enema.” -J Block

“If I wanted a slide, I would have written in a slide!” -Heather

“You cheerin’ like you gon’ git some of this Whammy money. Girl, bye.” -Q getting WAY TOO INTO a Press Your Luck rerun.

“Now I do NOT recommend you do this but…” -Ken “That’s a green light if ever I saw one!” -C

“Look for the Technicolor yeti.” -Erskine

“(In my best Craig Ferguson voice) Did you guys hear the news, apparently, Tom Brady has decided that he’s going to become a minority owner of the Las Vegas Raiders! I know! And the two are very different of course. One of them is a football institution whose fans are some of the most annoying, sycophantic and overbearing in the world of professional sports, who has been hyped up to hell by people despite success eluding them in recent years, and many people are annoyed by how they skate by on previous success despite many recent failures. And the other are the Las Vegas Raiders.” -Brian

“Nobody wants a WEBP file. I repeat: NOBODY wants a WEBP file. WEBP's own mother doesn't want a WEBP file. If WEBP was an ice cream flavor it would be Moist Gym Socks. If they ever make a movie about WEBP it'll star Dane Cook, Amber Heard and a 3D hologram of Richard Nixon. Go away forever, WEBP format.” -Justin

“Bryce Young is ass.” -Daniel

“Viva Mark Mothersbaugh.” -Tommy

“Sometimes it's a W. Sometimes it looks like a W but it's only 2 crooked L's” -Chris 'Strike Tyson' Schenck

“The mystery is… How does Gritty take a piss?” -Klauss “Sam has done something no one has ever done before! They ate at Cook-Out… sober!” -Cody Dove

“Roosevelt won us the war, but Marshall won us the peace.” -Q

“He still has a whole ass empty hand, quit whining sir.” -Rooks

“BTW - this game is going to be as painful as putting your own junk in a vice grip.” -Jay

“Even though this has been a real pain in the…” -Susan “… TUCHUS.” -C

“Everyone in McKinney is dead. It is hot in McKinney.” -Pete Delkus, on a heat index of “101,105”.

“…stank.” -Brian

“‘Yesterday’s price is NOT today’s price.’ -Fat Joe” -Zenith Ranger & dead ringer for Obama Russell Curry

“Hello trouble!” -Sav “Hello trouble!” -Julia

“Duck Mycinko.” -Ben Potter “Brian Bumblepiss.” -Peter Austin “Hot Fresh Science Fox.” -Ben Potter “Ashton Catthews”. -Peter Austin “And… Billy Ray Walrus.” -Both -TripleJump’s Worst Games Ever

“Life’s too short, so don’t waste time on nothing but the good stuff.” -C

“All this talk about whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie but no one ever fights about whether The Hunt for Red October is a Halloween movie.” -Cara

“Stairs. They’re the tweaker’s natural enemy.” -C

“Those edibles ain’t shit!” -Christian

"i like a good, firm banana" - @BenHigginsSD

“I am Allstate and you are in good hands!” -Q, with a snap and a head bobble

“I’m going to the loo.” -Zoombelina “Make sure you use the toilet!” -The Boss

“… you guys have any Anacin?” -C “What is this, Bill Cullen’s The Price Is Right?” -Jay

“WHO IS HEATH LEDGER?!” -TJ

“If you've lived in New York, being an a-hole is a requirement.” -G.

“Spam is just pantry wagyu.” -Alvin “Heck of a Hill to Die on But Whatever” Zhou

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” -Danielle “But I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.” -Jordan “But I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” -Danielle “Will someone go to the bathroom?” -C

“I have a shameful confession to make. I get Alan Tudyk and Paul Bettany confused. I'm not proud.” -Jonathan

“Can someone tell me what channel the Taylor Swift game is on?” -Cindy

“Laughing for “Our Lady of Perpetual Tournaments” and because my parents are going to be REJOICING.” -Jenny & Chelsea re: J!

“But Chico…. Chaos is good!” -Q

“I’ve Got a Secret. Hosted by Kanye West. The game no one wants to play.” -G.

“My family now refers to me as Chaos Auntie.” -Wingo

“Day 1 down and no one wants to kill each other. Yet.” -G.

“To be the only carrot in a room full of hungry rabbits.” -Q

“So I went from leaving last night to 3 meetings and a great adventure trip. I completely expect to hear from tbs today and if you've seen everything everywhere all at once I expect my fingers to turn into hot dogs.” -G “So a typical morning then.” -C “Yup.” -G

“What happened in Florida, Whitman?” -Greg

“Third down and Roger Goodell’s penis.” -Jay

“McKeever, McIver, MacGruber, MacGyver. Whatever.” -C, trying to pronounce the name of the actress who plays Sam on “Ghosts”.

“You: “Bowls are meaningless now!” Bowls: “It is now time to sacrifice the mascot so that the victors may enjoy their spoils.”” -Joe Ovies

“We're going back home because the Uber Driver is the worst.” -Carlos (Gordon changes the station) “Who changed my music?” -Carlos “The Worst Uber Driver in the World.” -G.

“That was his throwing ankle!” -Brian

“If you have sex with Godzilla, you'll need more than a pill to protect you...and your city.” -Nikki

“Gonzaga is Gonzarbage.” -Daniel

“Elon is proof that nobody can ever have everything. No matter how rich, powerful, or smart he is, he'll never actually be the one thing he wants to be: funny.” -Chelsea

“Show the buzzer kindness, and the buzzer will respond in kind.” -Ben Ben

“Politics is just show business for ugly people. -some guy idk” -Jonathan “J Aubrey” Aubrey

“… why they always gotta have their shirts off?” -Pierogi “Sampson County smells like Darth Vader’s farts.” -Q

“Carbs oh how I missed you.” -Jay

“$5000 says Cat Stevens gets the chair.” -“Pete Rose”, 2004

“All the trivia nights we’ve been to, and you remember the one where Quisla brought up Pokémon-inspired sex positions.” -C

“I’m just gonna bleep the bitches because it’s funnier.” -Greg

“My sensors are detecting a vibe.” -Alpha 9 (Richard Horvitz)

“Brain Return on Lane 41.” -G.

“The people who watch The Bachelor for drama watch NASCAR for the wrecks.” -Jay

“An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Botswanan, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Puerto Rican, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a Sammarinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a bar… The doorman stops them and says “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai." You're welcome.” -Blish

“Meetings, meetings, meetings.” -Carlos “Welcome to America, the land of meetings.” -G.

“This April, you will know his name. You may not be able to spell it, but you will know it.” -C re: Brian

“You're full of Moo Poo.” -G.

“The cheek! The nerve! The audacity! The gall! The gumption! The Aggro-Crag-sized global guts on you!” -C

“I'll take dumb people who should be strapped to a nuclear warhead for $1,200, Mayim.” -G.

(Watching Jeopardy) “I hate this shitty program.” -Carlos (Ed: get out)

So playing Jeopardy: Fish or Foul for $200. The Answer: Where Foul Go to stay for the night. The Question: What is Chicken Inn? -G. That’s 🥚-zactly the spirit! -Dave S.

(Quisla eats a basket of French fries while waiting to pay for them…. Then looks at Chico’s basket of fries… which also haven’t been paid for.) Q: “You gonna eat those?” C: “MINE!”

“BEHOLD… THE DECABOX!” -VRM

“And that Travis is getting too much TS lovin’.” -J, re Travis Kelce

“I’m in Dunkin getting a coffee and this lady is trying to start a Christmas Carol singalong. Girl, if you don’t sit your Disney movie ass down somewhere!” -Bruce

“I just saw an ad on NBA TV for a podcast with Ernie Johnson and Charles Barkley. Paraphrasing... Barkley: I want to get an M tattooed on each butt cheek. Johnson: Why? Barkley: If I'm standing up, it says MOM but if I'm standing on my head, it says WOW.” -NBA on TNT

““Callahan! That 34 Oz. Hickory bat you’re swinging is against regulation! In this clubhouse, we do things by the BOOK!”l -Brian, on Willie Stargell looking like every cinematic police chief.

“I’d like to recommend reading the Up With People Wikipedia page as a lesson the subtle art of criticism.” -Muffy

“Can’t spell Dallas without two straight Ls.” -BFG

“Can we stop saying the word ‘buttcheeks’?” -Eli Manning

“Give this man a Sharpie.” -C to Brandy re: new hire, channeling his inner Black Panther.

“‘You sure you don’t want me back?’ I will write it in blood if you need me to.” -Q, re: Jenn’s baby daddy quote

“So apparently I found out that our new son tried to burn down the apartment, which at least would stop you from complaining about how messy it is.” -G.

“Watching this Mar a Lago speech is worse than drinking unflavored Trilyte colonoscopy prep & when you finish the gallon they bring a beer bong w/6 more gallons for you to consume while listening to your uncle w/dementia & halitosis muse about the raging dysentery he had in Korea.” -Mattie Timmer

“$50,000 for a helicopter ride? For $50,000 it better transform into a Gundam.” -C

“Isaiah Pacheco does his shimmy. It drives the women in Kansas City crazy!” -Brian

“What were you doing on your birthday?” -C “Working.” -Q “What was I doing on my birthday?” -C “Working.” -Q “So what are we doing here on vacation?” -C “Talking about working.” -Teddy

“Enjoy Drake Maye stinking it up in Arizona.” -Greg

“Fortune favors the bold. And the chickens who maintain the inn.” -G.

“Muffy Marracco: Helps You Get Drunker By The Hour.” -Muffy

(Planning Bowling matches) “We're matchmakers now as well lol.” -Rudy F. “Which one of us is Tevye?” -G.

(Wearing a brown wig) “It's not TV, It's Wiggyvision.” -Douglas H.

“What oil pattern is this?” -Joe P. “This is the famous Oil of Olay pattern.” -G.

“Let’s rush’em! They can’t stop all of us!” -Q

(After getting Jasser a sandwich instead of what he wanted) I ask for Chetos. You get me a sandwich - Jasser Chetos in Spanish means Cheetos. It does not mean Sandwich -G. Si -Jasser (scowling) “The Word of the Day is Banhammer.” -Nick G.

So you want a little of everything -G. Yes. I want a smorgasbourg. I want a Smorg. -Lauren R.

“I have no idea what is going on, and I am here for it anyways!” -Carl K.

“Man, I REALLY hate those Pfizer ads…” -Ian

“I got nothing, but hey, I’ve got a lot of it!” -Jill

“Hi Ted, Ron here. Listen, I know how tempting it is to appeal to the real lowest form of humanity here in the United States, the bottom feeders, people who pride themselves on hatred and un-education and inability to read and inability to understand the difference between true patriotism and the bulls*** you’re selling. I know how tempting it is to play to those people, because at least you have a base, but Jesus Christ Ted, for somebody with a really, really small d***, you get to be a bigger p***k every f****** day. Go f*** yourself.” -Ron Perlman to Ted Cruz.

“Is Austin Reaves the best undrafted player of all time?” -somebody on Twitter. “Ben Wallace won Defensive Player of the Year four times and is the reason Kobe & Shaq didn’t win four. This app needs an age limit.” -Somebody else on Twitter

“Do I want to sleep to Special Forces or do I want to sleep to Baltimore/Cincinnati?” -G

“Wanna try street hockey?” -Jordan “I gotta pee first.” -C

“Somebody hit somebody!” -Brian

“I am about ready to trade Drew Lock for a reconstituted and reanimated Sean Lock. It could scarcely be any worse.” -Evil Travis

“Debate: Does Yoda sound more like Grover or Miss Piggy?” -Dane

“NFL uses CONFUSION! It’s super effective!” -Tom

“This is how riots begin.” -Robin

“Hey! Tom Brady… We don’t believe you.” -Jay

“That man is gonna move to the Triangle and bring every convo you have with him back to the fact he’s from New York and that you can’t find any good takeout around here.” -Joe Ovies, re: Tommy DeVito

“Programming note… the CFP show will air upon the conclusion of the basketball game featuring Fuck U and Tossoff State.” -C

The most frustrating part of hoping to get a phone call from a number you don't know: You have to answer EVERY call and suffer through every robocall and solicitation. -Sonic Whammy I'm sending you every single Car Insurance Warrantee call that comes my way, just to let you know 😃 -G. Gordon Pepper I'm touched -Sonic Whammy

“Latte - $5.00. Bottle of Water: $40.” -Richard Barone

“Quisla, stop turning off the television!” -C

“No… also no.” -Victoria “The Queen” Groce

Give these steps a go for me please -Worker Doing that now...I'm getting a picture of an apple and no loading bar -G. If you’re still holding the keys you can let go and see if the loading bar appears after -Worker Nope. Still the apple menacing me lol. Thoughts? -G. You mind sending me your Mac serial number? You should see it in very very tiny print on the back -Worker If you tell me that It's a demon MAC possessed by goblins and I need to leave the house immediately. I could believe that -G. At this point I think that’s the only logical conclusion -Worker

“Predetermined Bullshit. The latest fragrance from Calvin Klein.” -C

“The first steel coaster was opened in 18-rickety-dickety-doo.” -Chris aka Airtime Thrills

“I don't follow enough sports to properly complete this joke but "[INSERT FOOTBALL TEAM HERE] is looking as useless as a back button on Facebook today".” -Terry

“This song has an instruction to "Think Dolly" and feels the need to explain who Dolly Parton was. HOW DARE YOU. I blame the young people.” -Heather

I need Chicken -Jasser

“Lydia’s animated. Quisla’s animated. Get’em together, it’s the Cartoon Network.” -C

Ezra Miller, who was a contestant on Jack Black's 'Jablinski Games', is playing a new game called 'Why am I in your Bedroom?' -G.

“Great effin’ job, Al, on that call with all the enthusiasm as watching a janitor mop the floor at McDonald’s at 3 in the morning.” -Greg

“So I just had a rep from SiriusXM call me to sell me radio. I bought a new car recently. Of course it comes with a 3-month trial, and I love it. I try to explain to her that I work in REAL radio, terrestrial radio, local radio, actual RADIO radio. She’s trying to tell me how streaming is so much better… THAN WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! ….bitchgetoffmyphone!”- Miss Sarah

“Fancy hotel shower.” -Q

“I’m a benevolent quiz overlord… not like those bastards at Jeopardy!” -Buzzy

“i look forward to everyone in my hometown reacting to this in a completely civil manner, with no anger whatsoever!” -Jordan

“Barnacles.” -Paul

“I don't like strikes. They are bad for you.” -G. “Just make your spares, Gordon.” -DouglasVision

“Gordon bowls? I've never seen Gordon bowl.” -Brandon B.

“I take one whiff downwind of the cafeteria and I thank every god in the multiverse that I have brought my lunch today.” -C

“We’re putting a helmet on RJ.” -Jordan

“I can't make strikes!” -G. “We know you can't make strikes. There's something wrong with Gordon.” -Douglasvision

“You broke him, Kimberly.” -C “Sucks to suck.” -Kim

“In addition to a quote wall, I think a wall of AI images is needed. The world needs 7-finger McLean Stevenson.” -Klaussie

(Carlos walks in) Gordon: I'm teaching Jasser English. Carlos: eh? Gordon: Agua Jasser: Water Gordon: Leche Jasser: Milk Carlos: My turn. Gordon: Ok Carlos: Fuck me in the Bathroom Gordon: (Faceplant) Carlos: Fuck me in the kitchen Gordon: Jasser, no digate nada Carlos: Pierro is a Cum Whore Jasser: Pierro is a Cum whore Gordon: (Faceplant) Jasser: Que? Carlos: Pierro gusta luche para mi chorizo a se boca Jasser: Ah Pierro: Jasser, repita por favor: Carlos is a nasty bitch Jasser: Carlos is a nasty bitch Gordon: Dios mio.

“Plot twist: the cat is the actual "Person of the Year". So all the haters can quit their seething now, kthnxbye...” -Dane

“The real Daily Doubles are the friends we made along the way.” -Emily

“Friday is Leg Day, as in put those legs to work by getting 3 dozen donuts.” -Klaussie

“I'm mad Gordon cashed in the tournament. (Bleep)” -Douglasvision

“I regret emotional investment.” -everyone experiencing disappointment and having seen Strange Planet.

“You needed to be here to ride coasters with Danielle because that's a hell no from me.” -Jordan

“Bobby Hill is a Disney Princess confirmed.” -Chelsea

“(The Shark Tank Sharks’) ‘success rate' at funding successful companies is at best comparable to the batting average of below-average baseball players.  They get lucky and confuse it with acumen.” -David B.

“Riverside, motherfucker!” -Carl

“I’m sorry, but even inside a store… With the factory seal still on… I refuse to believe there’s cookies in this tin. And my therapist wonders why I have trust issues.” -Brian, on Royal Dansk cookies

“Ending of UNC vs. UVA providing drama on @thecw I haven't seen since Gossip Girl went off the air.” -Joe O.

“Nick Adams, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!” -Tom

“The Titans wearing throwback Oilers uniforms against Houston feels so wrong.” -Jay O’Brien “Peak petty.” -LaKedra

“I’m on pins and needles to see if you bought this!” -Jess, re: Brian’s Danish cookies

“I would’ve been better if the person I was bowling was a righty like myself. But noooooo Gordon Pepper was on a better side. The left side. The not so used side. Good job Pepper. Hope you take home the cheddar as in Moola.” -Elijah B.

“The internet was doing so well with the submarine memes, and then I saw that.” -Klaussie, re: Dunkaccino

“I don’t know but whatever it is, it’s covered in cheese.” -C, on breakfast casseroles

“Makumba!” -Carlos

“"Well, it's-- Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too lowbrow." "No...I'm QUITE lowbrow."” -Brian

“This is a pretty blue car...” -Car Insurance Agent. “Well it was a pretty blue car. Now it's a pretty blue accordion.” -G.

“If Bob Iger were to purchase the WWE, it would make it officially a Mickey Mouse organization.” -Klauss

“Fook.” -G.

“I am officially "ooh, who knew LL Bean had such nice things" years old.” -Wingo

Why are the lanes so dry? Who oiled them? -Bradley E. It was supposed to be the Tin Man from Oz, but he needed the oil more -G. That explains everything -Bradley E.

“Interesado -Mike D.

“I try not to take too much stock on what people say on social media because Twitter is the mark of the Beast and I refuse to go to Hell for my job.” -C

“I apologize for being over-the-top obnoxious. I only wanted to be semi-obnoxious but I got carried away.” -G.

“No money, no honey.” -Jasser

From the creators of 'Why am I in your bedroom?' comes the new game show called 'Why am I hitting you with a chair?' -G.

May we all strive to be 😎 better than Ezra. - Doug M.

“My commencement speech: if you're a gorgeous 20-something... get you some ugly friends. B/c their reality is your future. You need to prepare for a time when you're not getting all the world's favors. Now I'm not saying these friends need to be butt ugly. But they need to be avg enough that they've had to a) develop layered personality b) have some shrewd sense of how to operate in the world c) been mistreated enough that they have thicker skin d) have perseverance and know how to bounce back from the world judging them by their book cover. We all get less attractive as time goes on, but do you have a beauty retirement plan? As I get older I'm meeting more and more former playboys and faded hotties who are bitter, confused, and totally unprepared for not getting the free drink from the bartender and the extra guac on their taco. They didn't have a beauty retirement plan, and it's rough out there. Bikini cute is just a short minute. But the future always belongs to the plain-looking, middle child wearing boxers and New Balance sneakers. Look at Silicon Valley, look at DC, look at who runs the world. It isn't Fabio.” -Aurin S.

“We need to go to Fright Fest so I can feed you to the zombies.” -G.

"In 2020, Madison Cawthorn became the youngest Republican elected to Congress in American history. In 2022, he became the youngest Republican to lose re-election to Congress in American history," -Ben Collins

“Stop acting like a psychotic Oompa Loompa.” -G.

“I’m doling out truth bombs! Who wants to get blown?!” -C

“FAT FUCK MAGIC!” -Jay re: the Detroit Lions

“Chatting on Facebook - is that part of the work you do?” -Carlos “Why yes. Yes it is”. -G.

“Quisla Quisla Quisla Quisla… the vacation… begins in your mind… before you EVAH leave the house.” -C

“Guess who blew me off for Valentine's Day.” -Lisa D “I'd rather he blew you.” -G.

“Put your pants on, Chico. We’re getting a car.” -Quisla

Carlos: I made like 500 usd for 10 years of service Gordon: You'd make more in New York for 10 hours of service.

“Holy Hannah!” -Klauss

(Points to the Special K Box) - Now this is a real cereal -Carlos You're only saying that because there's a giant cock on the box -G. (Carlos stares at the box. Gives the finger)

There was a United Nations summit in Central Park -G. How many delegates -Ben T. Enough for 6 continents. And stenographers -G.

“Better send those refunds.” -Joe Burrow

(Walks into Carlos watching the X-Men in Spanish) OOh! Is this the X-Men? -G. Noooooo, It's Porn -Carlos (Points to Nightcrawler) It's not just his tail that's long and pointy -G.

“Waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure.” -Jay

“I’m leaving this in as punishment to myself.” -C

“If it was Tom Brady or anyone on the Cowboys, Skip would want the season cancelled.” -best. Comment. Ever.

“Fragile ego. Fragile body. Weak mind. Weak spirit.” -Jon Moxley

“I don’t miss.” -Jessica

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then... you're doing things you've never done before and more importantly, you're Doing Something.” -NEIL GAIMAN

“In hindsight, I preferred it when Will Smith’s love interests just vanished with no explanation or sense of closure.” -Adam

“Aren’t you supposed to call a doctor if your election lasts this long?” -Daniel

“Every time I hear a government official describe Russia's invasion of Ukraine as "an imperialist land grab" I'm like "oh, so you do know what that means..."” -Wingo

“I vow to be a cleaner MK in 2023. And when that's busted at 12:10 AM on 1/1/23, I'll be back to my usual raunchy, ribald self.” -Klaussie

“I’m not that good! I’m just the best at… fucking.. TRYING! I’m the best at fucking trying.” -C

“When you eat a poop sandwich, but the bread is terrific. Then you go to the restaurant and get the same sandwich with different bread.” -G

“Take the last two off the year sign and shove it up the ass of an elephant. Someone gimme that 3.” -Carl

“Yes, we all know MTV used to play music. It’s time to let it go.” -Josh

“Why don’t you force an answer out of yourself for a change?” -C

“When I said, “South Carolina is so pretty—we should spend more time here,” I didn’t mean driving the entire state at 35 MPH.” -Clay

“I finally get Taskmaster.” -C

“A clown’s average yearly salary is $40,000-$50,000. And here you are being one for free.” -Anneke

“And remember.. you can’t spell ‘similar to but legally distinct from’ without TEMU.” -C

“Hi good morning it’s Monday it’s foggy but it’s warm enough to sit outside I already took an everything shower and scrubbed off every skin cell that was present in 2022 and moisturized from head to toe so I’m a newborn baby glazed donut girlie with clear hair love you ok bye.” -Shannon

“PUT THAT… IN YOUR COMIC BOOK… AND SMOKE IT!” -Joe O

“It’s better than buying the new Blad Bhabie single. And for the Americans who do not understand that reference…. Ignorance is bliss, my friends. Ignorance is bliss.” -The Right Opinion

“GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!” -C whenever Jay says something remotely profane. Which happens once every…day. === And goodnight everybody...everybody. Come together, just think of tomorrow. :)

[themarshyverse]

Yallternative writing tidbit

Short piece I made for Sage and Clint, where they have a conversation while Sage paints Clint’s nails.

———

“I actually never got into cooking because I’m so clumsy,” Sage laughs lightly. With a shaky hand, she brushes cool black polish onto Clint’s nails with such skill that he ain’t even sure an actual salon would’ve done better. No messes in the crevices, no unsightly scrapes - like it was molded on instead of painted.

(More below the cut!)

“Seems like you do just fine with paintin’ nails though.” Clint starts to lift his hand up to admire her work, but Sage gently pushes it down - signalin’ that she ain’t done yet. “I think you have the makings of one.”

“Of what? A chef?” Sage twists the black skull-shaped bottle shut and switches to a different one. This one looks clear and much bigger than the one prior. Clint questioningly tilts his head at her.

“This is top coat,” Sage quickly explains. “It makes it so that the polish stays on longer and looks shinier. But we have to wait for your polish to dry first, or else it’ll mess it up.”

He hums in understanding. “Also, yeah, I think ya do,” Clint says, jumping back from before. “A lot of it is super uniform actually. As long as ya keep your workstation clean and make the exact same recipe over and over again, you’re set for life.”

Sage rolls her eyes. “The only reason why you make it sound so easy is ‘cause you’re so good at it.” There’s no malice in her tone - she means it lightheartedly.

They both know it’s not really an exaggeration though. Clint has countless awards under his belt and even to this day, while out of the pro chef scene, continues to gather em’ like flies. “You can be too,” he shrugged, “if ya work hard enough.”

“Something tells me that maybe you’re saying this because you just wanna see me while you’re working.” She teases. Clint scoffs.

“Is a man not allowed to wanna see his woman more?” He pouts.

“Don’t make that face at me.” Sage can’t help but think that it’s cute. She looks away to the wall.

“What about your job?” Clint inquires. “You think I’d make a good writer?”

“Hmm, I think it’s been long enough… I think I’ll…” Sage half-mindedly comments as she starts opening the bottle of top coat. She looks back up at Clint. “What would you write about?”

“Hmm…” He pauses and then grins. “A super hot western erotica between a witch and a lone wolf cowboy.”

“Wowww.” She remarks, knowing full well that the premise is purposely alluding to them. “Who do you think makes a move first?”

“Most people would expect the cowboy. But y’see, I’m gonna be all different…” He leans in, grinning like he’s about to reveal a huge secret.

“...I’m gonna make the woman make the first move.”

“Groundbreaking feminism.”

“My smut book is gonna break the glass ceiling. Just you see.”

“Susan B. Anthony couldn’t have done any better.” She pauses. Then after a moment says “Are you actually gonna write it?”

Clint raises an eyebrow. “Would you read it?”

“I would,” She confirms.

“God, it might be super angsty, ya know. You gotta get through a bunch o’ emotional junk to get them to open up… gettin’ the readers all sad to get invested.”

Sage hums in understanding. “I hope it also makes me super horny.”

[nights-at-crystarium]

As always a big fat thanks for your time and attention ;o; <3333 My replies under the cut:

Okay, so I do want to start with: Amazing job writing Urianger’s dialogue. I find that he’s the hardest to really write due to his usage of language and you nailed it! 

OUGH THANKS. I’m glad I’m taking this slow, a year ago I didn’t have the braincells even for this level of Urianger speech, now it feels a bit easier, still requires some googling and spell-checking. I’m trying to make everyone sound like themselves if that makes sense, and Urianger’s the ultimate challenge. Mercifully, this comic isn’t about him.

Alisaie isn’t very physically affectionate in game and, while I’m not sure if that’s changed in your story, I feel that it’s very impactful that they do hug here. Or at least she hugs him. Because to me it shows that they’re both comfortable enough with each other to some extent, enough for hugs anyway. 

Does Vivi accept physical touch from any of the Scions? I’m sure we’ll see, but this feels like the first time we ever see him receive a hug? Like an “I’m glad you’re okay” hug. He deserves hugs.

I wonder if Alisaie is one of the few Scions who Does know, even just a small part of him.

*rubs hands together* gonna answer all of these at once >:9

Vivi’s chill and physically affectionate with select people, look how casually they’ve gravitated towards each other with Feo Ul. I can’t come up with a better name than “bro body language” they have with Thancred, like casual smacks on the shoulder, hair ruffles, short hugs. He legit doesn’t know how the other Scions feel to the touch. Only Thancred and the twins. It’s dumb but he avoids them as much as possible, as if they can infect him with their better moral alignments. And one other reason I’m gonna cover in a moment.

Setting foot in the territory of potential future comic material. There’s quite a bit of backstory, and I’m still deciding where to pepper it in.

Vivi and Alisaie started bonding in SB, thanks to Vivi opening up first. He felt like fish out of the water, and latched on to Alisaie as the only familiar person among those strangers. He doesn’t like the easterners. 

In late post-SB patches, both are a broken mess, doing what they really, really shouldn’t do (in Vivi’s book): holding hands, hugging, and even, gasp, sharing vulnerabilities, as the world around them seems to collapse. Vivi regrets those moments in aftermath, especially as he realizes that Alisaie develops a crush, but what’s done is done. He doesn’t try to play a tough guy, he’s simply terrified to like and be liked by the Scions while they’re on the Source, where the imperials, ascians, and other WoL-obsessed entities be. He learned that people around him tend to drop like flies. He keeps an emotional and physical distance from most people he’s seen with, so that no foe’s tempted to use them as a shield against him. Until he fails with Alisaie, that is. And until he gets isekai’d to a world that doesn’t have any of those foes?! (shh don���t tell him about Emet)

So this episode’s hug isn’t the first, or last one. Vivi isn’t a complete idiot, but he’s admittedly too tired to stay as alert as he was on the Source. Alisaie hugs? Yay. A pixie invites themselves into his bed and brushes his hair? Yay.

I wonder if his relationship with Thancred will change at all.

It changes a tiny bit post-ShB, because of Ryne, but Ryne herself barely has to do anything with that @_@ This will make sense in like. 5+ years from now.

I put a lot of energy and comments into thinking about Alisaie and Vivi specifically, but it’s energy and words well spent.

Excuse me while I’m- *puts hands over my face and screams for two minutes* Their chemistry and arcs are fully fleshed out by now, and I can’t put in words how enthralled I’m with them, from the perspective of someone rotating them under a microscope. So glad to know that I’m not alone in this ;w;

Okay, once again, thank you so much for the feedback. I’m also working on a regular “author notes” post covering episodes 23-26, more comic chatter to come soon \o/

✧✦✧ “Fragments” - episode 26 ✧✦✧

Ah, there she is. Vivi's happy to reunite with Alisaie, but he routinely prepares for anything ranging from hugs to punches.

New reader? Start here: @ffxiv-fragments

[i-arch-my-backula]

Slasher x touch starved s/o part 2

No one asked for this but I just wanted to do this. Again this is gonna be a slashers s/o crying from happiness while they’re cuddling, hugging, etc.

Includes: RZ Michael Myers, Thomas Hewitt, Brahms Heelshire and Billy Loomis

Warnings: None I can think of

RZ Michael Myers

You’re busy in the kitchen making lunch and Michael is watching. You’re humming to yourself while you cut up some fruit and putting in in bowls. You plate your lunch and hand it to Michael. You sit in the kitchen and he goes to the living room. A few minutes later you put your plates in the sink and enter the living room. You sit next to Michael on the couch and he grunts. That’s his way of saying get closer. You move closer and rest your head on his shoulder. He pick you up from under your arms turns you and sits you on his lap. He wraps his arms around you and let’s out a satisfied sigh. He holds you close and tight. He makes you feel wanted. He makes you feel seen. Tears of love start to fall and he tilts his head. “Sorry Mikey I just, I’ve never felt this loved before. You rest your head in his shoulder and let the tears flow. He holds you tighter and let’s you wrap your arms around his neck.

Thomas Hewitt

It’s a hot afternoon and you’re busy hanging up laundry on the line. Thomas is inside taking a break from his work. You wipe away sweat and hand up another shirt. Your shoulders hurt from all of the movement but you’re determined to get this done. After ten more minutes you finish. You carry in the basket and set it near the door. You go to the kitchen where Thomas is sitting. You give him a kiss on the cheek and smile. “Hello Tommy.” You grab a glass and fill it up. You take a few sips and get to work on the dishes. Thomas gets up and hugs you from behind. You keep scrubbing and he rests his head on your shoulder. You’re over come with a feeling of love you start to cry. It’s just a few tears but Thomas notices. He turns you around worried and wipes them away. You laugh and put your hands on his shoulders. “I’m ok Tommy. I just, you make me feel so loved I have to cry. You just make me feel so good.” You hug him tight and he hugs you back.

Brahms Heelshire

It’s a slow day at the mansion. Its rainy and grey outside and you’re reading a book to Brahms as he lays on the couch. “The bell rings and takes Judy out of her daze. She gathers her things and leaves the classroom. She goes to her locker and fills her back pack with her books and notebooks. She grabs her clarinet case and starts to head for the exit. Behind her trots up her good friend Lee.” You read from the page. Brahms groans.

“This is boring Y/N can’t we do something else?” He asks.

“Brahms it’s time for reading ok? Now I want you to sit up.” You say shutting the book.

“Only if you help me.” He says. You sigh and get up. You go over to the couch and grab his hand. Before you can pull him up he pulls you down on top of him. You let out a surprised scream and groan as you lay on top of him.

“Brahms my god you’re such a brat!” You say laughing a little. Brahms wraps his arms around you and hums.

“Just a few minutes please.” He says playing with your hair.

“Fine just a few.” You hear his heart beating in his chest and his inhales and exhales. His arms around you is so comforting. You hadn’t felt a touch like this in years before you met Brahms. You had boyfriends before but they never wanted to cuddle and touch. You’ve craved this for so long and now you have it. Finally getting this love makes you so emotional. So happy you finally got what you need. Tears stream down your face and you sniffle. Brahms sees this and gets worried.

“What’s wrong Y/N?” He asks, his childish voice stronger now.

“Nothing Brahms. I’m just so happy that I’m crying. It’s the only way I can really express this feeling.”

Billy Loomis

You’re busy filing your nails at your desk when you hear a knock at your window. You stand up to go check it out and find Billy on the other side. You smile and open it. “You’re luck my parents are out of town.” He climbs in and you sit on your bed. “What brings Mr.Loomis to my bedroom tonight?”

“I was just feeling lonely you know? I thought I’d visit my Y/N.” He says sitting on your bed.

“Well what do you want to do about that?” You ask. Billy smiles.

“I wanna do this.” He wraps you in his arms and flips on his back so you’re laying on top of him. You laugh and cuddle closer into him. He starts massaging your scalp. “I’m so lucky to have you.” He says. You hum and trace his ribs. You feel calm and relaxed. Billy moves his hands back down to your back and he hold you tight against him.

“I’m lucky to have you too honey.”

“You’re such an amazing partner. I love you so much.” At these words your heart starts to beat harder. Tears start to flow and Billy sits up. “Hey hey what’s wrong?” He asks wiping them away.

“You’re just my first real boyfriend you know? I’ve never had this before. I’m just so happy to have you.” You wrap your arms around him and he smiles.

“I’m happy to have you too.” He gives you a kiss on your forehead and you kiss him on his lips.

[moemoemammon]

yay! requests are open! y'know that thing where the s/o being so weak for their partner? I wanted to request the demon bros being weak for their s/o? does that make sense?

like, for example, MC would pout a little, and say 'pwease 🥺' and the demon bros would be like, 'yes, go on, what do you want from me? would you like my-' they'd just be so weak for mc.

I hope that makes sense! also, if it's too much characters, you can just do mammon and satan :) thank you ;3

Their One Weakness: MC!

(Feat. GN!MC and the Demon Bros)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

Lucifer is known as the cruel eldest of the brothers. A sadist whose word is law, whose will can only be bent by Lord Diavolo himself. And yet since you came to the Devildom, all you ever seemed to do was the opposite of what he asked. Yet he still came to love you. He wonders if he spoils you too much...

Especially when you always seem to get your way one way or another. When you proposed the chaotic idea of a massive get together between the House of Lamentation and Purgatory Hall, Lucifer immediately said no. It’d be way too noisy and he had things to do.

But THEN... You fixed him with those damn EYES of yours.... The big eyes filled with sparkles and hopes that pleaded to him.... stop staring at him with them big ol eyes-

Lucifer REFUSES to acknowledge how cute you are when you look at him like that. Well, verbally anyway. You look like a kicked puppy...and he loves puppies...

"............I suppose if we prepare right now and get a dinner menu ready, it could be possible. And if you pout any harder you might pull a muscle, and I doubt I could explain that to Lord Diavolo. Now, go tell the others what you have planned."

Mammon

Mammon is practically the biggest MC simp in the world. You always occupy his thoughts any time of the day. 'Oh, MC would probably like one of these'. 'MC's always eatin' this for lunch. I'll grab one.' 'This would be way less borin' if MC were around...'

But as the Tsundere 🤢 king of the Devildom, there's no way he'll admit to any of that! So what if he's head over heels for you?! That doesn't mean he's gonna be all weak in the knees the moment you-

Wait, you're saying that because he lost a bet yesterday and promised he'd take you out to Ristorante Six and pay for the whole thing, now he's gotta pay up?!?! No way! He doesn't remember what you're talking about, and that voice recording you've got on your phone is clearly fake!

Mammon's dead set on weaseling out of his promise, until you freeze him in place with your pouty face... then you hit him with a "please..?" and the Avatar of Greed swears he might die right then and there.

"Tch..! Damn it, I ain't got a choice when ya look at me like that!!! What're ya playin' at, pulling' my heartstrings like that?! Hurry up and get dressed so we can go! A-and ya better eat your fill, too!"

Levi

The founder of the top secret MC Cult Fanclub, there's not much that could keep Levi from becoming putty in your hands. He's used to idolizing the objects of his affection, and you're no exception!

So when it comes to bending to your will, he's definitely the easiest. Except when it comes to n-...normie stuff...

Seriously, do you think someone like HIM should be going to The Fall?!?! No way! Not in a million, billion, trillion years!!!! You shouldn't get him to go to that crowded club even if you dragged him there!!!

Then... you hit him with the cute act... You declare your loyalty to him as his beloved Henry, fixing him with a pleading look that shoots him straight through the heart, and... GAH, HE'S GOT NO CHOICE!!!!!

"At... at least help me choose something to wear..! I don't know how I'm supposed to dress for normie stuff like this!!! Aaah... I wanna stay home, b-but when you say something like that, I just can't win-!"

Satan

Satan openly admits to how he likes to spoil you. It's cute seeing how big your grin becomes when he gives you something you wanted, and how happy you are when he takes you out for the evening.

But there are some things even he doesn't want to do, like when you suggest going to a chess tournament with Lucifer. You've been pressured by Lucifer wanting to attend, but figured it'd be easier to sit through with someone else. So why not Satan, who'd mentioned liking chess?

Yeah... he'd go if Lucifer weren't involved. As much as he'd love to go and pull some strings to ruin the match for the dear eldest, he's got something else planned involving a well timed glue bomb and Lucifer's study. So he'll pass.

Or so he thought, until you started poking your fingers together and mentioned how you'd hoped you could both enjoy it together. Kind of like a date..? Gah, his heart and its weakness for unconventional dates-!!!!

"...I... suppose I could go. It’d be nice to study how Lucifer plays, so I can finally beat him. Don't you think the look on his face will be priceless? And if you're there as well, I'll be able to stomach watching his face for an hour."

Asmo

Asmo LOVES you more than aaanyone!! There's no one who loves you more, you know? Why, he wants to involve you in every aspect of his life, and actively tries to do just that! He's even tried dragging you into the tub with him a few times...

And when it comes to spoiling you, he loves it! He's always the one being spoiled, so it makes him giddy when he can give a little back. If there's anything you want from him, just tell him and he'll make it happen!

Eh? You want to play fangol? With HIM?? Um... pass. You know he just got his nails done, right? Asmo's not really a fan of running around with a ball and getting knocked to the ground, so... no thanks! ❤️

Wait, don't make that face! What're you looking so glum for?? He'll kiss your sadness away, and- Eh?! You don't want a kiss?? You really wanna play THAT badly?????

"....You really don't have me mistaken for Beel, right..? You really want to play with ME? ...Haaaah, fine! I'll play one game with you, and in exchange, you have to spend all of tomorrow with moi! Sounds good, right~? Now let me see if Satan will let me borrow some of his clothes...urgh..."

Beel

As a 'go with the flow' guy, there's not much Beel won't do with you, even if it's not really something he's interested in. As long as he has you around and a surplus of snacks, he's fine with anything.

Until you suggest going to Majolish to try on some stylish outfits. You mention how Beel wears variations of the same thing all the time, so it's time for an update! He thinks you're spending too much time with Asmo...

Beel isn't really into tight, itchy, stiff fabrics like the 'stylish' things they sell at Majolish, and decides he'd much rather go to Hell's Kitchen instead. He's hungry. Are you hungry?

'Stop changing the subject'? Ah.. damn it 😔 Wait, now you're saying you just wanted to buy fancy outfits because you were planning to take him to Ristorante Six?! You can't tell if he's blushing over your consideration or the idea of food, but now Beel's looking through the clothes with earnest.

"I didn't know you were the winner of that 'all you can eat' coupon lottery. When I didn't win I was pretty upset, but I'm glad to know it was you. Even if these clothes are weird, I'll wear them. Can you pick something good for me?"

Belphie

Belphie likes to spoil you in more subtle ways, instead of simping as hard as his brothers. He's still as much of a sucker for you as they are though, much to his dismay. All you have to do is smile and you've got him wrapped around your gross human finger.

But when you mention wanting to go biking with Lord Diavolo and wanting him to come along, Belphie suddenly discovers that his ears don't work anymore. Anyway, goodnight-

Hey, stop poking him like that. Can't you see an deaf man is trying to sleep here?? And what's with that face..? You're pouting so hard you look like you're going to explode. It's cute, but Belphie can close his eyes an not see it.

But then you scoot into bed with him and hold him from behind, and the sleepy demon starts feeling his resolve crumble. You have some dirty tactics, huh..? Getting all cozy with him just because he's got a soft spot for you...

"...............Why Diavolo of all people..? I'd prefer anyone over him. Ugh... Hey, they still rent out those two person bikes, don't they? I'll only go if I can ride on that with you. I'll sit right behind you and cheer you on, okay? ..What's with that look? I'm joking...maybe."

[imagine--if]

good afternoon to my fav writer !!! i hope you’re doing well🤍 i feel like eddie would love his hair being played with so please could we get some fluffy ed content where his s/o plays with his hair and just does crazy stuff with it like give him little pigtails etc hehehe :’D ty!

A/N: Haiiii hope you enjoy lovely anon 😄 I’m gonna hopefully get a load of matchups done tomorrow for all you who’ve been waiting 💚 and haven’t forgotten about To My Hope, the next chapter’s almost done!!

Pairing: Dano!Riddler x reader (The Batman 2022)

Warnings: FlUfF

Words: 354

You can’t help smiling to yourself as you think back to the Edward Nashton of just a couple of hours ago, ranting and raging on a lively stream where a corrupt victim was tied, trapped in a homemade contraption behind him, and him the Edward now, leaning into your touch happily as you twist and fiddle gently with his soft brown locks.

Like putty in your fingers. He’s all yours.

His legs are wrapped around your frame, head on your chest as he nuzzled further into your warm touches, his fingers toying with yours and bringing them up every so often to leave little kisses on their tips. You run your fingers softly through his hair, combing the strands up and parting messy sections to make braids that fall apart when you let go.

After a while, you let your head rest on his, your actions ironically similar to Eddie’s as you breathe in the familiar, comforting scent of his sandy locks and just him, and he smiles at the intimate action, closing his eyes and hugging you tighter.

“One strand dangles, two strands twist, three or more can fashion this,” you find yourself commenting with a grin, and Edward laughs giddily at your use of a riddle, looking up at you with curious eyes.

“I am described many ways in books of old,” he starts quietly, resting his head on your shoulder now and sighing contentedly as you rake your nails a little harder against his scalp, “my wings must be white, so I’m told. Powerful and old, I have seen many joys and sorrows untold. Someone once looked out there and said ‘Give it wings.’ To which responded, ‘Why would they need such things?’ ‘To shield and protect; protect and destroy.’ Another one of heaven’s toys.”

You pause your combing motions in thigh, and Edward whines, needily butting his head against your hand, and you continue with a slight smile as you realise the fond nickname.

“Angel?”

“Angel,” he repeats in confirmation, moving his head from your shoulder to give you a loving, lingering kiss. “Love you… will you keep going, though?”

.・ Taglist: ・.

@bimboanime @phoenixgurl030 @dangerouslittlefairy @katjourno @yoyoanaria @yaeyuuki @vinxlsketches @beenz-beenz @ghoulsgraveyard @birds-have-teeth @repostingmyfavs @r3ptiliaaa @for3v3rda1sy @glitterycheesecakegladiator @moonwritesblog @lilyevans1 @httpsunflowers @hxney-lemcn @confusedchildsstuff @callsigncrash @sugahbabieexo @bokksieu @skateb0red @wilburrrsworld @philiasoul @darthcringe @felicityofbakerstreet @bloodypantomime @deadlights-darling @tianotfound @mortem-muse @ireadandream @tinyryder @kpopgirlbtssvt @truecobblepot @jessicainhell

[sleepysnk]

obito + bathroom sex at a party 🤍

a/n: i love this. i absolutely love this. PLEASE KEEP THESE THOUGHTS COMING!! thank you again, and i hope you enjoy :)

pairings: obito uchiha x fem!reader

warnings: nsfw, modern au, smut, jealous sex, unprotected sex, creampie, rough sex, degradation, public sex, bathroom sex, jealous behaviors.

Say My Name ft. Obito Uchiha

The loud music playing in room below you was pulsing in your ears. The muffled noise wasn’t extremely loud, but it was just enough for you to hear it.

Though, the only sound you were focusing on was the creaking of the sink you were sitting on.

The hot-white pleasure coursed through your body. Your toes were curling and your mind was foggy. How could you focus on anything? The way he was making you feel was like nothing you’ve ever felt before. He was irresistible, and your bodies were almost made for each other,

“O-Obito.. please..” your fingers entangled themselves in his hair.

Obito groaned hearing the sound of your sweet voice calling for him. Fucking your sweet pussy was like ecstasy to him. You were so gorgeous, and the scene before him was enough to drive him crazy.

It all started when you kept giggling at Kakashi’s jokes a little more than you should have.

Your sweet laughing was making Obito irritated the whole night. You should only be giggling at his jokes, not Kakashi’s. The jealousy boiled inside of him at the sight, and he was tired of letting this go on longer than it needed to be. You were his, and nobody else’s.

Here you were now, your pussy being stuffed by Obito’s thick cock. His pace was relentless, and he showed zero signs of stopping.

He chose the bathroom to get the job done. He didn’t have time to throw you in his bedroom. He needed to remind you right now who you belonged to at the end of the day. He was better than Kakashi, and you should only be thinking of him.

Obito wasn’t gentle with you like he usually was. He was rough, but you weren’t complaining at all.

“This is what you get..” he said, “You’re such a dirty slut sometimes.. it took everything in me to not fuck you in front of Kakashi..”

You let your head fall against the mirror behind you. His face buried into your neck where his teeth grazed along your skin. “Yes! Right there..” you let out a breathy moan as his cock kissed at your g-spot.

Obito grabbed your face so you were now looking at him. “Are you a slut for my cock? Tell me, baby..” he pressed your lips together.

You nodded your head eagerly. “Y-Yes.. I’m your slut..” you cried, battling your eyelashes at him.

He smirked before increasing his pace. He could feel how tight your walls were becoming. The sounds you were letting out indicated that you were going to hit your orgasm any second. Obito wanted to feel you cum around his cock.

His and his only.

“You gonna cum, princess?” he cocked his head to the side, raising his eyebrows.

You could barely speak, your body was so fucked out that you couldn’t form any coherent sentences. You wanted to cum so badly.

“Look at me,” Obito forced your face to look at him.

You shook your head, “I wanna cum for you, Obito..”

He placed his hands on your hips once those words fell from your tongue. Your whines and cries were like music to his ears, and he enjoyed every minute of it. He was going to give you an orgasm all right. He wanted to hear you scream his name so loud that everyone at the party knew who you belonged to.

“Fuck.. yeah.. that’s it, baby.. I want you to scream my name when you cum..” he said, “Can you do that for me?”

You nodded your head, placing your arms around his neck to hold on for support.

He squeezed your hips as he fucked you, hard.

“Obito.. oh, god, Obito!” you yelled, digging your nails into his shoulder blade.

The heat deep within your stomach turned into sparks when your orgasm took over your body. A sense of satisfaction washed onto you from the sensations. You hadn’t felt something like this in a really long time, and it felt so good.

Obito grunted, the sticky white arousal surrounded his cock. He was getting close to his own orgasm as well. You could feel the way his thrusts were changing, and becoming more sloppy. You wanted every inch of his cum inside of you. You didn’t care if anybody else saw it.

Breathlessly, you spoke to him.

“Cum in me.. please,” you whimpered, pushing your hips closer to his pelvis.

You saw the smirk form on his features. “Oh, yeah? That’s what you want, baby? I’ll fill you up.. don’t you worry..” he nipped at the shell of your ear as he spoke to you.

Suddenly, his thrusts became quicker, and you started to become overstimulated. Whines fell from your lips, and a new wave of pleasure began to consume you. Your eyes felt heavy, and you had to hold onto Obito so you wouldn’t fall off the counter.

You felt this warm sensation in your abdomen. Obito groaned as his cum filled your pussy. The squelching noises could be heard as he slowed down.

You both panted, sweat clung to your skin, and this scent of sex roamed around the bathroom. The two of you were absolute messes, but neither of you cared.

All you knew.. was that you were Obito’s, and he was yours.

[f4irydaydreams]

tired | s.b

sirius black x fem!reader 

warnings: crying, stress, anxiety, bad habits, self indulgent, angst? bad writing, hurt/comfort (~1k words)

a/n (repost of an old fic from when i was @/daisyyy2516) this is for you anon! and any others who might remember reading my stuff. reblog if you like it! i’d hate to post these again and have no one read them. i think this was for one of @mullthingsoverinthehotwater ‘s writing challenges? prompt was “i’m fine. stop asking.”

tagging some people who might wanna see this? @peppers-analytics @sabstfu @arithmqncy @biderboy @o-rion-sta-r

it was all just getting too much. too much. there were too many things to do, too many things to worry about, too many things running through her mind. she was slipping away. 

the year had been stressful for everyone, with their exams and heavy workload. the library was always busy, filled with noises of the quill scratching on parchments and the quiet giggles of the first years in the corner. in the back of the room sat y/n, buried behind a pile of books reading text that seemed to get blurrier by the minute. 

y/n was never one to obsess over work like this. at least that’s what everyone thought. behind her bubbly, cheery, loud facade was someone hanging by a thread. sometimes she got ahead of herself. her expectations were too high and her worst enemy was herself. of course, no one realized until now when she was exhausted to the point where she could no longer put up a happy face every single day. 

“y/n?” 

no answer.

“y/n? why don’t we get you out of here for a while? take a small break. we’re all going to the lake to hang out for a bit.”

she finally looked up to meet the soft grey eyes of her boyfriend, sirius. sirius and y/n had been friends for years, but they all knew that their bond was beyond the ties of friendship. it was no surprise that the two ended up together (well except for the hundreds of girls lining up at sirius’s door every morning). 

her breath hitched as she stared at her picture-perfect man. his hair slightly long, overgrown, and messy, falling into his eyes. his eyes.

“m’sorry siri got some more work to do. go ahead have fun”, she snapped out of her trance and gave him a weary smile before going back to making sense of the letters on the parchment.

this was the third time she blew him off this week. something didn’t seem right. after years of knowing her, seeing her cry, listening to her laughter as he teased her in class, and spending hours on end talking at night, he never saw her like this. 

“please…”, he just wanted to see her smile for a bit and relax. 

fuck. he hates me. why would he even put up with me at this point all I do is study and try to get through this and still manage to fail. it’s gonna be okay just keep smiling, keep smiling okay? don’t wanna worry siri too much, he’s got enough on his mind. 

she slipped her small hands into his large ones, squeezing slightly to reassure him, to let him know she’ll be okay. but all he could think about how her hand won’t stay still and kept twitching in his, and her nails and fingers were bruising from constantly picking on them. her other hand’s knuckles were turning white as she gripped onto the quill as if her life depended on it. 

“what’s wrong angel? you know you can tell me anything right?”, he was worried to the point he started to question if he had done or said something to make her feel this way. 

“i’m fine siri! just want to get some studying done okay?”, she brushed it off trying not to look in his eyes. 

“y/n please just tell me what’s wrong.”

the frustration was getting to her and the last thing she wanted was to take it out on him. She was so tired, so so goddamn tired. with exams, assignments, extra classes, and quidditch she barely had time to breathe, let alone spend some time with her boyfriend. 

she missed being with him so very much but was too wrapped up in stress to realize it. 

it was hard for her. it wasn’t always easy for her to get good grades like lily, or for her to fly naturally like james. it took effort. a lot of it and small slips like a bad grade or a rough game slowly tore her down. 

without saying a word she grabbed her stuff, give him a small smile, and kissed his flush cheeks.

“i’m fine. stop asking.”

she could barely hear him calling after her as she rushed past the packs of students, speeding walking towards her dorm. she didn’t want to face him, he shouldn’t see her like this. 

the minute she walked into the empty room, her hands gave out and everything crashed to the floor. 

stop. stop. stop. you have to be strong okay? what are you doing, what if someone walks in. keep it together, you’re fine, just push through. 

picking up the books distracted by her trial of intrusive thoughts she didn’t hear him walk in. 

his heart broke at the sight of her. why couldn’t she see that everything was going to be okay? he wanted to be there for her, to comfort her but he didn’t know what was wrong. 

“angel, look at me”, his cold hand stung her burning cheeks stained with tears she didn’t realize had fallen. 

no. no. no. he’s going to be so disappointed. be strong for him. 

“i’m not leaving. you don’t have to talk, let me hold you for a while okay?“

she opened her mouth to speak choking on her sobs, immediately biting her lips to keep them from escaping. 

he slowly pulled the books out of her hands and put them aside, pulling her into his arms holding her close. he didn’t say anything just kept her snug against him running his hands through her hair trying to calm her down. her hands grabbed onto him tightly refusing to let go. 

“sirius?”

“yes, my love?”

“i’m sorry.” 

being disowned by his family was dreadful. watching his brother fall down a dark path was painful. watching his best friend fight lycanthropy every month was heartbreaking. 

but hearing his sunshine fall apart like that? hurt the most. 

[melis-writes]

What if Victoria told Sonny to breed her, to knock her up… 😈

What if Victoria told Sonny to breed her, to knock her up… 😈

Now there she goes again riling up Sonny knowing how much she loves creampies…oofffffff. 🥵🥵🥵

“Ah, fuck,” Sonny pants, gripping the bedsheets so harshly his knuckles strain white—all ten inches of his cock buried deep inside of you. “You’re teasing me, huh?”

Attempting to catch your breath from the fast fuck session just moments ago, you clutch onto Sonny’s shoulders with a playful smirk over your lips. “Never been one to hold yourself back.”

“Don’t tempt me, baby.” Sonny’s hips dig into yours as he trails his firm hand up your throat, gripping it and keeping his thumb pressed against the outline of your jawline.

“Breed me,” you whine back, “you’re the one teasing me. Just fucking do it already.”

“Want to be filled with my cum that bad, huh?” Sonny gives your face a light shake before letting go and gripping your hips again. “I’m barely holding back as is—you and this heavenly pussy…”

“Do it, do it.” You insist in a breathy tone, pushing your hips back and forth against Sonny’s. “I know you fantasize about knocking me up.”

“When I’m done with you—” Sonny begins thrusting in and out of your soaked pussy deep and slow again.

“Oh!” You cry out, writhing underneath him.

“I’ll do it again—” Sonny snaps his hips into yours, thrusting between his words. “And again.”

“O-Oh my God, p-please, please!” You dig your nails into Sonny’s shoulders, insistent and desperate for more.

“It’s up to me now, huh?” Sonny feels his orgasm pressing on, about to release out of him.  “I’ll knock you up every year baby, I’ve got no problem cumming in this tight little—”

“Ohhhhhhh!” You squeal, feeling hot spurts of Sonny’s cum flowing inside of you.

Sonny squeezes his eyes shut momentarily—his cock twitching as he cums as deep as he can inside of you. “So fucking good, baby. Ooh, you feel that? Feel my cum going in you?”

“M-Mhmm—” You nod bad frantically, still feeling spurt after spurt going inside of you.

“Get used to it.” Sonny smacks your ass, beginning to slowly pull his cock out. “I’m gonna fuckin’ breed you so good, you won’t be able to walk without my cum dripping out of you.”

[your-daily-biaswrecking]

Hi! Do you still accept requests? If so can you please make a dom!namjoon x fem!sub reader smut for me, please? Like a smut on their wedding night which was an arranged marriage forced by the parents.... I'd be very happy if you did it <3

Yes, I am always down for some requests:) thank you for this ask.

You had promised you would never even kiss Kim Namjoon. You made up your mind right after your parents told you they were marrying you off to him without your consent. On paper you would be husband and wife, but in real life you would keep as much of a distance as possible. Wedding night? You'd sleep on the floor if you had to. Moving in together? You wouldn't even speak to him privately. Children? Ha!

It wasn't that Namjoon was bad... He wasn't. In fact, he seemed like such a wonderful man, there was a part of you that felt a tiny bit lucky for marrying him. You considered even trying to make it work with him when you first met him and got to admire him from up close. But no. An arranged marriage? You were against it from the beginning, swearing your parents would never be able to find someone worth it. And you weren't about to prove them right. No matter how much the man made you want to give in, how the longer you looked at him, the hotter he seemed to get. Tall, strong, handsome... Smart, polite, interesting... Eyes intense making you squirm, lips full making you lick your own.

Even out of spite, you swore you would never even kiss Kim Namjoon.

But there was a part you had completely forgotten. A very crucial part. Something you couldn't avoid and you couldn't have imagined how hard it would mess up your plans.

"You may kiss the bride."

Kim Namjoon's lips were soft against your own. They barely moved, just enough to fit between yours in just the right way. They stole away your breath, your clarity, your mind. And then they were gone just as quickly as they came. And you couldn't have a coherent thought for the rest of the night.

Which is why you are not even sure how you ended up in this position, laid underneath your now husband as he ate your pussy out.

"Oh, right there !" you moaned as the man's fingers inside you pressed up on your g-spot. Thighs caging his head in even harder as the sheets were pooling in your palms.

Namjoon halted his attack with his tongue while picking up the pace with his fingers. "Is that so?" he smirked as he looked at you. "You like how your husband touches you?" You only blushed at his words, avoiding his eyes by throwing your head back on the pillows. "Look at you... You couldn't even talk to me a few hours earlier and now your letting me finger you open for me." He clicked his tongue almost disapprovingly, before letting it flick your clit once again.

Your walls pulsed around his digits, and you couldn't lie to him even if you wanted to. "So-o good..." A tiny scream escaping your throat when he sucked your sensitive bud between his teeth.

"Yeah? Shit..." You could tell Namjoon was getting more and more turned on by the sounds you were making all because of his voice. He retrieved his fingers from inside you, earning a whine at the loss, before replacing them with his mouth, gathering up all the juices that were flowing from you to taste them better. "Such a sweet pussy," he groaned. "Such a sweet pussy and it's all mine now. Huh? You're gonna let me fuck this pretty little pussy like I own it, babe?"

You almost cried from relief upon hearing those words. "Yes, please, Namjoon. Please fuck me!"

You heard him chuckle as he moved higher and hovered over you. "So needy... How long have you been wanting my cock, babe? Have you been waiting for this night?"

You bit your lip, still trying to avoid his gaze. "No I- I..."

"I know," he cooed as he started unzipping his pants and taking them off. "You said you didn't want to marry me so many times. But look at you now, babe. All naked, begging for me to fuck you and it hasn't even been a day of us married. You couldn't even last a day, babe. Such a little slut, letting me fuck you so easily."

His words were making your entire body burn but you had nowhere to hide from his gaze. Such filthy words coming from such a normally nice man. It made your head spin with want. Squirming, you almost moved away since you didn't want to admit this defeat, but right then you felt the head of his dick nudging at your entrance. And you moaned immediately.

Namjoon hummed in your ear, teasing his cock up and down your folds to coat it with your wetness. "My pretty little slut..." His head pressed on you again, trying to go in. "You think you can take your husband's cock?"

"Yes..."

He pressed even more until he slipped inside you, stretching you out in the most pleasurable way. Your nails were digging in his back as he kept going in, trying to bottom out.

"Ah, so nice and warm," he moaned, his head falling on your shoulder. The moment you let him know he could move, he started pounding into you in a harsh and fast pace, making you yelp and move up and down the mattress with very thrust.

You were already so near your orgasm and you couldn't last with that cruel attack. "Namjoon, I'm– I'm gonna–"

"You wanna cum babe?" he guessed your words and you nodded. He chuckled. "I knew you'd like my cock. Gonna cum all over it?"

Your moans kept getting higher and higher in pitch, Namjoon's thrusts harder and harder to push you over the edge. And when he kissed you again, tongue attacking yours just as rough as the rest of his actions, you screamed into his mouth and creamed his dick with your orgasm, spasming underneath him. His movements not stopping for a second. Yet his breathing and voice getting rugged.

"Shit, that was so good. Such a good girl," he praised you, kissing you once again before sitting up and changing the position and angle. "You can take more, right?" He wasn't done yet.

You immediately nodded. Even though your body still felt numb from your orgasm, you definitely hadn't had enough of him yet either. "I can take it all."

"Such a good wife!" he praised again. Thrusts starting to pick up the rhythm again. "I'm so lucky I married you. Can't wait to fuck you like this every day for the rest of our lives."

Masterlist

[shotorozu]

hello! i hope you're doing well~

can i request headcanons (or with scenario if you'd like) where bakugo's s/o falls asleep on him while crying 🥺 and if it's okay with you, can s/o have the emotion deprivation quirk because i really loved those hcs you made before :)))

i really really love your blog btw. your writing is always sweet and fun to read ❤

passing out after crying on them

character(s) : bakugou katsuki, shinsou hitoshi

legend : [Y/N = your name] they/them pronouns, emotion deprivation quirk— the more you suppress your emotions, the more power you get.

headcanons : hurt and comfort, but mostly comfort.

note(s) : thank you for the love anon :)) i also added shinsou because i thought this concept fitted well with him too :))

»»————-　♡　————-««

bakugou katsuki

you were really unreadable— you’d understand that because of the nature of your quirk. however, being with katsuki gave him the ability to read you and your mannerisms

if your nails dug into your palms, that probably meant that your day was shit, if you kept looking at your nails, it means you’re trying not to cry, and running your hands across the surface meant that you were happy.

and unfortunately, he caught the sight of you digging your nails into your hands, not enough to actually do any harm but.. enough to keep you ‘focused’

he wants you to be comfortable enough to go to him with your problems, but then again— it was always something you struggled with, so he wasn’t expecting it

so now you’re alone with him, walking along the corridors of the dorms— and none of you guys are saying much.

“get in here,” he says, grabbing your wrist as he yanks you into his room, immediately setting you down on his bed.

“i don’t know what happened with you, but i don’t fuckin like seeing it.” he sets your head on the soft pillows, an arm bringing you close in positions

“nothing really happened,”

“yeah? then why the hell were you doing that then?” his words sound rather harsh, but he’s not raising his voice at you “you know what i mean.”

“i’m sorry, it’s just.. exhausting. having to suppress my emotions for long periods of time. i don’t know what to do because i’ll..”

and that’s when you start crying, which was probably the last thing on your check list— you’re getting his pillows wet, he’s not saying anything, you can feel yourself getting weaker

all of the doubts in your head run wild, and bakugou only shoves your head onto his chest “idiot, stop it with the apologies already. just let go.”

and you do exactly that. you heave into his chest, bawling like it’s been forever since you’ve done so. you’re getting his shirt wet, but katsuki couldn’t seem to care— he’s just glad that his hands are emitting enough heat

your ragged breathing eventually blended into soft breathing— you don’t seem to be shaking in tremors anymore, and he’s glad

he takes a look at your face. you’re out like a baby, cheeks still damp and your eyelashes were wet with tears.

“idiot Y/N,” he mutters to himself, wiping your damp face with his thumb, “you’re out like a baby. you’re not gonna hear this but next time, don’t be so stiff with coming forward to me for help.”

“i’m the last person that’s gonna judge you, i do love you after all. it might not seem like it but i really really really do.” he presses a kiss against the back of your ear.

he’s going to try to not wake you up, as he gets up from the bed— sprinting downstairs to prepare some water that he’s gonna force you to drink down later

when you wake up, you bet he’s making you put a cool towel on your eyes, reducing the puffiness as he has you on his lap.

shinsou hitoshi

can also tell if you had a good or bad day, and he really hates seeing you so.. miserable.

he can tell that you have so many thoughts in that head of yours, because of that powerful quirk. those were one of the few times he wished he had aizawa’s quirk.

he frowns when he sees you suffer in absolute silence, even though you’re wearing the most neutral face he has ever seen, he can quite literally see it— because you’re fidgetting with your hands on your lap.

unlike bakugou, the first thing he’ll talk to you about is how you’re feeling— the moment you guys are alone.

don’t try to deny it, because he knows already— this is just him giving you a heads up, just letting you know that he’s about to coddle you.

actions speak louder than words in moments like this, he has you pressed against him on the bed— allowing your arms to wrap around his torso like lifeline

“you don’t have to say anything right now, Y/N.” he reassures you, “let it happen.”

as if it was on command, your eyes water— and you shove your head onto his shoulder, finally breaking the barriers you were desperately trying to keep up.

you’re vunerable, a mess, and hitoshi allows you to cry like there’s no tomorrow— only resting his hand on your back, rubbing soft circles there

when you start shaking, hiccups escaping your lips— he panics for a moment, because you’re on the cusp of going into a panic attack

but that’s also when his baritone voice starts giving out soft instructions on stabilizing your breathing pattern. his quirk would always be the very last option.

and when the storm has finally calmed, your eyes flutter— a sudden wave of sleepiness washing over you, and you just allow yourself to fall asleep in his hold

he sighs in relief, and he doesn’t care that his sweater suddenly became soaked with your tears, it allow him to carry some of your burden— he’s just holding you with all of his attention.

his violet irises soften in adoration, and he’s kissing your tears off your cheeks, moving anything out of your face.

hitoshi being hitoshi wouldn’t be able to sleep, but he’ll spend a good moment thinking about what he’ll talk about with you the moment you wake up, and he’ll pask you about your issue, and how he can help.

but for now, he’s just thankful that you have so much trust him— to the point you’re okay with being vunerable around him, and he’s just so proud of you.

“sleep well, kitten. i love you a lot, please remember that.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters, boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei. i only own the writing, and i don’t profit off my hobby.

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission :))