#I’m getting that first hand experience
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Every time that chuuya hate page spams my notes I’m like, this must be exactly what it felt like to be a member of the Port Mafia in the first 3-4 months after Dazai and Chuuya joined. You’re minding your business, doing your job. One day you’re given a ‘chuuya is a sore loser’ newsletter. It comes every week. You’re so tired. Everybody gets it though. He’s obsessed with him, he’s in love. They should just kiss instead of making it everyone else’s business.
#I’m getting that first hand experience#i giggle every time#they should rename their blog#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bsd dazai#bsd chuuya#skk#soukoku#chp
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Hi Chilchuck! Could I ask for some advice? Someone had been repeatedly doing bad things to me, so I reported it to the police, but they didn’t believe me because I’m a minority. Have you faced this kind of discrimination and injustice as a half-foot? If so, how did you keep yourself safe if authorities didn’t help?
What? That’s terrible! Is there anyone who can corroborate your story? If so, it might help to bring them with you if this keeps up. Having numbers with you makes it a lot harder for them to ignore your reports.
#asks#anon#chilchuck#chilchuck tims#chilchuck dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#chat pretends chilchuck is their dad#ooc: i don’t really have a lot of experience myself#since the area i’m in is pretty chill overall#so i’m not really equipped to give much advice if this is serious and not rp#if you’re in an area where you’re allowed to defend yourself i’d consider that if it’s safe to do so#you should also go to people you know you can trust to help you#that’s all i can really think of without knowing more about what’s going on#please be safe and if you can get away from them please do#also if anyone has any first hand experience you’re more than welcome to share advice on this post as well
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At some point I really do need to talk about tsukasa + rui wrt to rui - who has had so many people leave him because his ideas were scary/dangerous even when he did everything to ensure people wouldn’t actually get hurt - going “I’m going to be too weird and he’s going to leave me so I should just get it over with now by being as insane as possible. Ok he’s still here what if I’m more insane. Ok he’s still here but surely he’ll leave if I’m even crazier. Ok he’s still here but THIS time (rinse and repeat).” I feel like a lot of why rui acted Like That in the beginning was because he was like “this guy is a liar there’s no way he’ll actually stick around *nobody* is ok with my stunts.” If everyone says you’re weird and your ideas are insane and will hurt people you might as well lean into that being your reputation so that nobody else will attempt to be your friend and then leave when you + your ideas are too much. Obviously a lot of this is unconscious but I think in the beginning it was at least a little deliberate.
He was 100% lying when he was like “if you touch this you’ll die” in the main story but I feel like that was his way of being like “see recruiting me was a bad idea. Oh well this is what I expected”. Which is also why he immediately is like “bye then ✌🏻” when tsukasa is like “I don’t want to die.” & then he’s shocked when tsukasa is like “ok fine let’s do that” -> he suggests a flame thrower and launching tsukasa 10 meters into the air -> tsukasa is still like “😰… but it will wow the audience so as a future star I must do it”
which is 100% the first time anyone has been insane enough to agree to what rui throws at them & he’s very obviously super cheesed by this
The reason I’m singling out tsukasa (besides the fact that I’m a ruikasa enjoyer) is that, unlike with emu/nene, 1) tsukasa promised to match his freak during their first interaction 2) when rui attempted to call his bluff tsukasa continued to be insane and agree to his ideas.
& then when rui “shows and theatre are my entire life and also the only way I know how to connect to people (even though that never works)” kamishiro leaves and refuses to return, Tsukasa elects to convey his true feelings/rediscovery of his original goal through a show based around their argument. Which is an absolutely unhinged thing to do, but it works because rui is also unhinged and shows are the language he speaks best.
I think after the main story rui’s continued attempts to find the point where he’d finally become Too Much for tsukasa were unconscious. The brain likes patterns and it’s natural to attempt to make any exceptions to a rule fit with what you’re used to.
Wonder Halloween is absolutely rui’s worst nightmare coming true, in that he constantly goes to such great lengths to ensure that what he does is safe and people still leave anyways - and now he’s finally found someone just as crazy as he is, a place he can be accepted, and Tsukasa gets hurt because one of rui’s inventions malfunctions. If people left rui when it *was* safe, why on earth would someone stay when they actually got hurt because of him? & then tsukasa doesn’t leave, but rui pulls back because there’s no way he’s getting a second chance if someone else gets hurt. I think tsukasa being mad at *himself* for getting hurt and only getting mad at rui for pulling back was Huge because rui is so used to being too much, and now tsukasa is going “I won’t accept anything less than your authentic self.” Also huge because it showcases that tsukasa is a fucking freak.
The constant roping tsukasa into antics at school is (imo) another part of that - ok so tsukasa is fine with all of this on the stage, but what about in front of all of his peers? Getting in trouble and being labeled as weird will be the deal breaker right? Even nene doesn’t want to be seen around him. Nope! Tsukasa actually is going to act like they’re glued at the hip at school. Tsukasa cares about his reputation, in that he doesn’t want to be labeled as a trouble maker, but he’s already known as a weirdo and doesn’t really care. He’ll huff and puff about Rui being irresponsible and tarnishing his reputation but he’s still not leaving. Rui will purposefully annoy him & tsukasa will react dramatically but continue to associate with him.
Pandemonium is essentially an event about their relationship, & I’m not going to go pull a bunch of quotes (I am keeping this post solidly under control. I am not going to go insane with the evidence. I am normal and in charge of my own destiny.) but since I have this quote on hand:
Rui: I had always thought that I could never properly understand everyone around me.
Rui: as I started doing shows at Wonder Stage with everyone, my way of thinking and feelings began to change.
Rui: now, I am able to understand and connect with someone without relying on shows, and I’ve come to value the beauty of laughing alongside others
Rui: that’s why — tsukasa-kun. Thank you for giving me the chance to change.
The reason why pandemonium is the turning point for their relationship is because they’re connecting outside of shows. The reason why rui specifically cites tsukasa as the reason he changed is because tsukasa brought him to wxs, repeatedly emphasized that he would not accept rui holding back, and stuck with him when any sane and reasonable person would have been like “I value not getting detention on the daily and not dying on stage.” I say that with love. Pandemonium shows that rui *can* connect to people and form relationships without playfully threatening bodily harm several times a day, but the rui + tsukasa relationship is special in that they’re both insane Together.
One specific thing I want to point out is in the card story where tsukasa joins the disciplinary committee (I’m not transcribing that/pulling quotes watch it yourself) because he’s tired of having a reputation as a trouble maker. The easiest way to clear his name would be to stop associating with Rui at school, but tsukasa instead goes “I’m going to be taking responsibility for him and watching him carefully”. ??? Ok? Freak. (Tsukasa Tenma voice) you are NOT getting rid of me.
Last thing to mention is that saki, upon first meeting rui, is like “He must keep my brother in check I’m glad he found someone to do shows with 🥰” (funniest possible first impression of the ruikasa dynamic). This post is rui focused (consequence of spending the past 24 hours rotating him in my mind) but I think that because rui is so crazy people often forget that tsukasa is also insane. Even saki, who he’s objectively more normal around, thinks he’s a freak.
They’re both show maniacs. Matching each others freak. Absolutely misery inducing to be around if you haven’t built up a tolerance. I think they’re neat. I hope they both explode. You understand.
#analysis#‘didn’t you say you were tired and not doing this again’ oh but I’m not doing this again. i only pulled from 4 sources this time.#rui#tsukasa#mine#this is intended to be just an analysis of their canon relationship so I can’t end it with my true thoughts#which are ‘the inherent romance of being the same kind of insane as someone else’ wrt how#passionate they are abt directing/acting/shows in general.#as I’ve said before. comedic duo first friends second gay thing third. that’s how u gotta look at them for the authentic experience.#i like that you can tell that this did get slightly out of hand because I started it with ‘I need to talk about’ and the post is long enough#for an automatic read more. i can’t help it. character analysis is fun.
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Gripped with ideas but….. the panelling………….
#banging my head against the wall#Im probably thinking abt it too hard but ive never given much thought abt executing my ideas till now#usually I just get out as many things as I can in messy sketches but because this one has Structure and Unspoken Thoughts that need to be#conveyed properly using mood and emotion than words I actually need to be a little deliberate abt how I go about expressing it#i found some tips for composition and going thru my comics for reference and trying to line it up with what I have in mind#but the mood im going for is more of a quiet looming dread.. like. yknow when a bunch of bad memories start rushing out while your mind#is in the present. im thinking of having paralleling panels to kind of build on symmetry or making comparisons to a past experience#i was thinking of having another set of overlapping panels showing the characters reaction to those thoughts in real time like a pencil#slipping out of their hand and falling to the floor but I don’t wanna clutter the page too much so maybe not#I don’t have much experience writing comics I just like to read em.. I’m sure it’ll be at least decent for a first attempt. hopefully#that way I can build up confidence for my other zelda comic ideas heh#without saying too much….. the idea I have in mind is about fort hateno and children’s nursery rhymes ;)#yapping
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the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.
#blue chatter#just. the experience of blinking into existence becoming associated with ice in my mouth#and how it’s becoming a pattern that the first visual thing I process is a hand in front of my face#At least that I remember. I’m sure other stuff happens but my memory is unsurprisingly v blurry after#I feel bad for making my roommate take care of me so often#but I super cannot control when I dissociate#and I do genuinely need the help#bc today I was home alone and it took a loooooot longer to break out of the blurry stage#I somehow didn’t think to get ice about it until I was in the middle of the grocery store an hour after the episode had ended#I want to be more independent about this so people don’t have to take care of me all the time#it is relieving to know that I can live with friends after grad school#so *someone* can be around usually if something goes wrong and I’m not cognizant enough to help myself#but I don’t wanna make them feel like they have to help me or put that on them#or like. freak out their kids. their kids are not raised remotely like I was and they’re rly young so they don’t rly understand this.#how do you explain trauma to a three year old whose parents are incredibly good at gentle parenting#idk. I’ll figure it out. hopefully with time and therapy I’ll be able to process my trauma enough that I won’t be like this forever.#I don’t wanna be like this forever.#I want to go to grad school and start practicing in clinical psychology and help people#and be independent and be able to support my friends instead of the other way around
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back on my bullshit (meeting men im in love with). Ben Schwartz is so kind and tall :-) I didn’t totally freeze like when I met the Jonas brothers but the selfies we took are blurry so 😔
(at least I have these bc I told sam to record the whole thing heheheh)
#also the show was great#I had to slap sam many times bc she was choking from laughter#ben schwartz#bro how did i forget my personal tag for ben#ben schwartz my beloved#me#also forgot me tag#editing tags after the fact to recount the entire experience#so we waited outside for about 10 minutes and I had no expectation of how long it usually takes for him to come out and take pictures#he comes out without a mask which is surprising to me and says ‘you guys wanna take some pictures?’#we all just kinda form a non sensical blob (there’s maybe like 10 ppl total) around him#Brandon Katie and Eugene hang back towards the stage door unsure if anyone wants to chat with them#I’m gushing over how tall and handsome Ben is to my sister who is ready to record our interaction once he gets to me#as I listen to him chatting with the other fans I can’t help but smile and say to my sibling ‘he’s so sweet’ every minute#he meets someone who has a cool sketchbook of the skits from the show that he wants to take a picture of#but they need to write their handle so he says he’ll talk with some others and get back to them#so he does and then later I see the girl ready to talk to him again off to the side#so I tell her ‘you can go ahead and finish talking to him”’ and she’s like ‘are you sure?’ and I’m like duh!#finally it’s my turn and he looks at me and says ‘hi I’m Ben’#yes Benjamin Joseph Schwartz I know#he sees me holding my phone and immediately sides steps to get into selfie mode as I ask him if he’ll sign my Jean Ralphio figure#he steps back to Be in front of me ‘yes of course!’#what insane media training he has#he says ‘I’ve seen this! this is the first one I’ve ever signed’#upon seeing the figure he says ‘it’s beautiful’ lol#he’s concerned that the sharpie I brought will not show up and I mention that it was probably a bad one to bring because it’s pastel#he signs and holds it up (as you can see in the first photo) to make sure it’s visible#he hands it back to me and I thank him and he says ‘do you want to take a picture?’#and I say ‘I would love to!’ and then I hold the Jean Ralphio figure and he looks to my sibling assuming she’s taking the picture#she’s like ‘no I’m just here for moral support!’
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James corden coming back now this have we not suffered enough 😞
#I could say something about the entitlement usamericans feel to being able to move abroad anywhere in the world and be welcome but hey#from first hand experience I know they give near zero effort to actually understand local cultures either#anyway. I have multiple friends currently in the UK bc of this so I can’t be too hateful#but I also know a lot of extremely ignorant and obnoxious Americans here and I can only imagine it’ll get worse 🤣#<- anyway the uk is cooked anyway so hardly the most productive move#but usamericans looooove moving here bc it’s ‘easy’ Europe (no pesky foreign languages hey)#but very typical usamerican ethnocentrist exceptionalism mindset to be like. ah yes our election result has ramifications that’ll negtively#impact the whole world#let’s go move somewhere else where we’ll feel that negative repercussion the least#also whole world shows their asses and gives usamericans visas too easy it’s embarasing 😭😭😭#like I have friends in the Us who just don’t get it and keep trying to get me to move there and I’m like it’s not that easy ??#even if I wanted to ????#no concept at all that getting a visa can be hard 😭😭
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im like a huge horror fan in theory but not in practice. too scared and overstimulated to consume it but more than capable of spending several hours obsessively reading in depth analysis of one niche scene in a horror movie ive never even watched
#maybe one day i can actually consume horror media first hand#i’ve TRIED and some movies i’ve enjoyed without being too overwhelmed#like annihilation + midsommar + get out + it follows + alien#but usually i’m very bad at handling it#also i loved it follows but i legitimately was terrified by it and couldn’t sleep all night#also this doesnt really apply to books i can actually read horror without too much issue interestingly enough#plus the ONE exception is that if it’s body horror or certain types of monster horror then i have a much higher tolerance#i think it’s because of the queer lens that i experience that particular subgenre through#but it still teeters on being too overwhelming#j.exe
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Nick: (Pacing around the office, recounting several stories about reckless and stupid things Jasmine has done recently)
Ellie Perkins: (Drinking some coffee, nodding along while thinking that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree in this case)
Nick: “That’s not even the end of it! I warned that girl about going into the Milton Parking Garage because of the loose whack job who turned the place into a death trap but the more I talked about it the more she seemed to want to go in to catch this guy!”
Ellie Perkins: “Ya don’t say?” (Under her breath to herself) “Sounds pretty familiar….”
Nick: (Holds up a finger) “I turn my back for one second to talk with Preston and the next thing ya know X6 is behind me saying that my kid has just done the one thing I told her not to do and had decide to walk into the deathtrap because she wanted to “investigate” this so called maze!”
Ellie Perkins: (Overly dramatic gasp) “No- really?! Even though it was obviously a trap that had been set up and would most likely lead to her untimely death?!?”
Nick: (Doesn’t catch the biting sarcasm) “Yes! It was a trap laid out clear as day and the kid just moseyed on in there like she owned the place!”
Ellie Perkins: “Mhhhhhmmm!!! Is that so???” (Aggressively sips her coffee)
Nick: (Pinches the bridge of his nose) “I had to kick down the front door and drag Jazzy out by the heels because she wouldn’t come back! And the kid had the audacity to try and wave it off like she didn’t just give us all a heart attack in fear for her life!”
Ellie Perkins: “MHHHHHHMMMNNNN!” (Sips her coffee even more aggressively, almost breaking the handle with her grip)
Nick: (Shakes his head in exasperation) “The kid ain’t invincible and easily mendable no matter how big she talks herself up. One of these days her reckless behavior is gonna catch up to her- and that won’t be a pretty sight!”
Ellie Perkins: (Finally has her big moment after years of built up) “You feel like saying, “You keep laughing in deaths face, one day it’s going to laugh back,” to her to try and knock some sense into her stubborn little head?”
Nick: “YES! Exactly what I-!” (Realizes what she means by referring to that certain phrase and freezes)
Ellie Perkins: (Keeps going to drive in the point) “And it just annoys you to a deeper level whenever she does that confident little smirk juuuuust before she’s about to do something so stupidly reckless-…”
Nick: (Holds up a hand) “Alright, I see your point there, Ellie. I suppose I’m not the one who should be talking here….”
Ellie Perkins: (Grins smugly at him, folding her arms)
Nick: (Heavy sigh) “Yeah, yeah- get it all out of your system why doncha.” (Kicks his feet up on his desk, bracing for impact as he lights a cigarette)
Ellie Perkins: (Slams her hands down on the desk, almost quivering with anticipation) “I’ve been waiting a long damn time for this day to come, Valentine….”
(R.I.P Nicholas Valentine. He’s never hearing the end of this one from Ellie and he’s in for a long lecture)
#Jas was sitting grounded upstairs in her room with her headphones on.#She got an earful from Nick about what she did then was promptly told she had to stay home for a few days because she’s a safety hazard#She’s an hissy and huffy feral kitten now so she’s putting on her headphones and blasting music to ignore everyone#But that’s what you get when you charge head first into danger!#Your RoboDad puts you on desk duty and no matter how many pouty faces you make he won’t let up!#Although Nick might get grounded too by Ellie and sent up to join Jas in sulking in the corner.#Poor Ellie has to put with these two now at the same time. But at least she can rub it in whenever Nick complains.#Jasmine is more understandable. She’s a teen with thrill issues and no sense of self preservation cause she never learned#Nick on the other hand is a grown adult with years of life experience. And he can’t use the “I’m just an old bot” excuse anymore#He’s got a kid relying on him now. Plus a horde of other family members and friends#fallout#fallout 4#nick valentine#fo4#ellie perkins#fallout oc#fallout original character#fallout 4 oc#fallout 4 original character
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this is not fun :(
#this is just me ranting okayyy#I’m gonna say everything in the tags dudes#being down bad for a he/they user and seeing him jokingly holding hands with my flat mate is not a fun experience I’d say.#this is also only the second time we’ve talked and I’ve only met them three time#s#i don’t know anymore maybe im just jealous??#but this is so not fun#and my jacket was hanging on the back of the chair he was sitting on while holding hands with my flat mate#and im not sure but I think the jacket sorta smell like him#it does things to me okay#also just#he’s coming back tmr to watch my flat mates friends play dnd#I don’t know what to do abt that#in short I don’t know how to get bitches okay :(#I don’t know how to initiate the first move and I almost always makes things too normal out of me being a fucking pussy#or I make it weird and it scared them away#rambling#also he’s a metal head who’s into the same bands I’m into#maybe we can still platonically be friends and that’d be cool#I don’t know
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I don’t feel jealousy much, anymore, man 🤔 anyone else notice this in themselves? Like, no matter their 3D circumstances, even the shitty ones??
#spiritual journey tag#shifting realities#void state#desired reality#occult#law of assumption#another unexpected positive consequence of getting into shifting#every time I feel jealous im immediately reminded that I’m literally limitless#I’ve even begun to appreciate my CR life more even tho I’m still most definitely permashifting#the desperation rly does leave once u experience first hand that it’s real :3
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Idk man I kinda just wanna like. Hold his head between my hands??? Yk, just to like. Feel him? Like in a very literal surface level way yk like the shape of his skull through his ushanka and his hair like. Yk like how hairstylists do it? Like I just wanna hold his head like from the sides just to like make sure he’s like a tangible entity yk?
He’s so intriguing? Tf? I’ve said this multiple times but I want to study him. Put him in situations. Hold him in my hands and study his behaviour. Yes, yes like scientists do with mice. He is a rat after all. Man. Idk all I know is I desire him intellectually and carnally. He’s so weird and strange but in such a charming way. Truly a specimen. Babygirl.
#I don’t Even know man I don’t have any particular feelings abt him he has just bewitched me like idk like something would intrigue#a scientist. like I am so intrigued by him!! he’s so strange! I want to study him and fuck him like you get what I’m sayin?#idk man he’s just so! he’s so!! man. whatever asagiri was tryna do was successful#I am unsure of my feelings about him. on the one hand I’d be scared to be near him but on the other I want to do unholy things to him and#then I also want to study him and like conduct experiments on him etc#never has a character made me feel this way about them this is a first#bungou stray dogs#bsd Fyodor#bsd fyodor dostoevsky
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in the process of watching the fallout tv show and realized last night that i have accidentally gotten myself into another piece of media that involves a very morally questionable man with no nose
#if i had a nickel…#it would be 2 nickels#anyways i’m having a great time with fallout. really reliving the experience of playing fallout 3 after getting my first copy#as a hand me down from my middleschool boyfriend#and ofc. now having thoughts abt erik as a cowboy. just because i can#i need to make a personal tag
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bg3 is one of the only games where i’ve had to take some space away with it due to content. and honestly? i think that’s a good thing
#i’m usually very good at separating my emotions from a character’s emotions/my past from a character’s past#i can probably count the number of movies/tv shows/games i’ve cried because of in one hand (the first one was angel. that finale got me.)#but bg3 is different in that i haven’t cried bc something was too sad/emotionally powerful but that i needed to physically step away#the similarities between astarion and myself became kind of unbearable but in a good way? like it was painful but it was well-done#idk if not for my past of SA i rlly don’t think his storyline would hit that hard to me personally. but because i see so much of myself#in his mannerisms and how he puts on a façade of being hypersexual it just. it just rlly gets me man#and this is GOOD WRITING!! it’s GOOD FUCKING WRITING!! but it’s very bittersweet for me bc i feel like i can relate to his storyline on#another level but it also causes such emotional pain that i wish i could disengage from it. just my thoughts tho#also just wanted to say: i don’t think it was ever confirmed that astarion was assaulted by cazador but he does textually have issues with#intimacy and sexuality as a result of cazador. so obv while our experiences are not the same i think it’s fair to draw parallels as long as#you don’t take implication as fact. anyway.#bg3#baldur’s gate 3#discussion of assault in tags
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This is what I’ve been feeling like all weekend
#astral writes#over WRESTLING#now its really over#so great that the rock came back so I can experience first hand#how a more talented wrestler gets pushed to the side for a main event#I’m begging this to be part of the storyline#but lets be so fr
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morro joins the band doodle anybody
#lol edit i just realised hes facing the wrong fucking way#his left hand should be on the neck and his right hand playing#it happens#imagine hes looking into a mirror or something#THIS ISNT THE UPDATE I HAVE IT IN THE DRAFTS I PROMISE#i just wanted to draw him#this isn’t like the set design but yk we’re experimenting#i have a design somewhere but i cba to find it so i drew this from memory#i drew the design months ago and looking back on it god id like to say i’ve improved i bit#idk what i was doing with the colors roll with it#i did this under an hour i’m kinda surprised actually#DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THE FIRST FIRST FIRST MJTB ART I DID ON PAPER#THAT COMPARED TO THIS ITS SO DIFFERENT#you’re an og if you do tbh#the update i have in the drafts is getting really fucking long so i might split it into two posts and just post the first bit#morro joins the band au#<- pspspspsps#ninjago#lego ninjago#morro ninjago#ninjago morro#morro wu#ninjago au#it’s literally 4 in the morning goodnight#i just realised i forgot the hair streak lol we ball
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