#I’m constantly being called an asshole for trying to get people to vote for a candidate who isn’t actively

[thebumblingbee]

.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I might be back on my bullshit thinking about Louis [as if I ever stopped] and episode 2 again. Like... there are a lot of things that could’ve been handled better when it comes to ep2, but can we just appreciate his apology to Clementine during the archery scene? 

[note: this turned into a bit of a rant, and for that, I apologize]

It still baffles me that he gets dismissed as a shitbird by portions of the fandom to this day for being upset with Clem and AJ when he just found out his best friend gave away the twins, murdered Brody and tried to pin it on Clementine to cover his tracks... only to then be murdered by AJ after he already gave up, shot him in the back of the head right in front of everyone and left Louis heartbroken and traumatized. 

Like I understand that some of y’all think Clementine and AJ should never be held accountable for anything they do and they’re always right, even when they’re in the wrong because you’re the player projecting yourself onto them and everyone who is mean to you is a stupid head unless they’re mean in the right way.

Or you’re one of those violentine stans who feels like the only way to validate your ship is to create this narrative that Louis is a traitor and Clementine would never love him after he voted for them to leave as if the only way you know how to make Violet look good is to make Louis bad by comparison instead of like... y’know, being one of the decent stans who explain and gush about the positives of the ship itself and why they love it rather obsessing over the other ship. 

Either way, you’re really gonna look at that situation of Louis reacting to his best friend’s death after what just went down and be like “calm down, Louis, you’re being a jerk :/” like.... I’m sorry? 

Aren’t you the same people who complained about Luke not giving a shit about Nick’s death back in s2? how he didn’t have a reaction? In fact, aren’t you also the same people who vigorously defended Kenny for his reaction to Sarita’s death after he lashed out at Clementine? Remember? When he yelled at her and called her a stupid fucking kid who thinks she can just get anyone killed and it’s okay because she said sorry? but it’s fine because Kenny’s reacting in a realistic way that makes sense for his character and he later apologizes for it? 

but now here you are, getting a realistic reaction out of Louis that makes sense with his character and all of a sudden, you don’t like it? You want him to just be like “Oh no, Marlon.... anyway.” Really?

Louis is hurt, he’s pissed and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s so shaken by what the hell just happened, Marlon’s dead body is bleeding out on the ground, Ruby’s talking about getting fucking medicine as if that’s gonna do anything, Violet waving her cleaver around at them even though literally none of them were looking at AJ they were all looking at Clementine, Violet you are not helping anyone in this situation, you’re only making it worse and adding to the aggression... but no, Louis shouldn’t be a fucking mess right now. He should just shrug his shoulders and be like “Welp, this is fine.” 

Then there’s the damn funeral. Look, Clementine and AJ shouldn’t have been there. I know they had to be for story purposes, but it’s such a bad idea that it makes Violet, the one who wanted them there, look like an ass who has no regard for anyone other than herself, Clementine and AJ, and those who agree with her... which is only Tenn and I guess everyone else sucks and their feelings are invalid because no one else wanted them there since it’s not a good idea to have Marlon’s murderer attend his funeral and if you believe that isn’t going to piss people off or make them uncomfortable, then either you don’t care or you don’t know how to read a room. 

And by the way, Louis wasn’t the one who suggested voting them out. He wasn’t even there when MITCH said they should take a vote and everyone agreed to it. So why is it that Louis gets all this blame for how the vote turned out? Oh, Louis is such a traitor because he’s the reason they got kicked out.... except no? 

First of all, if you’re so mad at Louis then how come you’re not mad at Ruby? She voted them out, too. So did Omar. They contributed to kicking them out. How come no one else talks about how much they hate them after they said having the vote was a fair idea and then voted them out? Oh, and Willy, too. Willy voted them out. The only other person who gets heat for the vote is Mitch, and he was the one who came up with the idea in the first place... but no one else, huh? 

Also, how come only Violet gets praise for wanting Clementine and AJ to stay? Never see anyone talk about how amazing Aasim is after he was the third vote for them. He has legit reasons for wanting them around, too, but he didn’t want them at the funeral either so what, does that cancel out his vote for you? Where is the Aasim love? 

Then we got the dorms where Louis and Violet come to escort them away, and once again, I have to mention that both of them are wrong in this situation. They’re on the extreme opposites where Violet thinks they should stay because they didn’t do anything wrong, and Louis thinks they should leave because AJ’s dangerous. Both of these view points make sense with their characters.

However, I guess some conveniently ignore how conflicted Louis is about the whole thing and how he’s feeling about it because it doesn’t fit with the narrative they’re trying to push about his character. 

Again, he’s dealing with a lot of shit right now only to be constantly invalidated by Violet, who keeps telling him what a shithead he is for hurting about this, how he’s just burying his head in the sand again and all this other shit, and he eventually snaps at her and says AJ’s dangerous, which hurts AJ and it’s all over Louis’ face that he realizes he snapped and he feels bad about it. 

But Louis never got aggressive with them, he never laid a hand on them, and he was there to escort them out in the woods. And that argument of “he sent them out there to die therefore Clementine and AJ should hate him, Clem shouldn’t want any friendly/romantic relationship with him because he put AJ at risk and got him shot” is.... I dunno, ugh? It’s ugh. You act like Louis did this to intentionally get them hurt when that’s not true. 

Clementine and AJ have survived on their own for years, so it makes sense that Louis would try to justify this to himself like “they’ll make it out there, they’ll survive because they’ve done this before... this is for the best for everyone” and no, him telling them that this is probably like going home for them isn’t okay, but it makes sense for his character because he doesn’t actually know how bad it is out there. 

None of them know, they’ve all lived in walls their whole lives. It’s naïve of him, yes, but it makes sense and he didn’t do this with shitty intentions of wanting them to get hurt. He didn’t know that Lilly and Abel would be out there, he didn’t know AJ would get shot, he didn’t know any of it. He didn’t think that if they voted them out, this would happen. He was struggling with his feelings about them and saying goodbye to someone he was starting to feel a connection with. 

And he let them back in. Hell, he carried AJ into the school himself when they showed up wounded and you still wanna call him an asshole and a traitor? He could’ve said nope, get the hell out. We kicked you out, you’re not welcome here. 

He didn’t do that, he ran to them to see if they’re okay, he brought AJ to Ruby and stayed with him the entire time Clem was in the office with Violet.... AND he apologized to AJ, quietly begging for him to be okay... and when he’s faced with Clementine after what happened, he doesn’t know what to say to her. He can’t even look at her because he feels so ashamed of himself and feels all the blame for this. 

This is a moment that ties back to backstory. Louis’ emotions overpowered him, he made a decision and now AJ is shot and bleeding on the couch.... when he came to the school, they [the staff, I assume] said these kids were bad people, they told Louis that he was bad after what he did to his parents and he internalized that, and this whole this just reaffirms that idea “I am bad, I hurt people, this is my fault.” He blames himself for everything even though there’s no way he could’ve known. You can feel Louis’ genuine concern for AJ and how he’s doing, but at the same time, he’s trying to distance himself from Clementine… and well, sorta failing since he brings her clothes and they have the conversation in the dorms. 

Then the archery scene.... y’know, the scene I was gonna make a simple little post about that somehow turned into this. 

Once again we have Louis and Violet arguing because that’s what they do now, and Violet continues to tell him to get over himself without listening to anything he says, and he goes to practice archery so that y’know... when the raiders come he can use a weapon to help defend them since he’s not very good with it and needs practice.

Clem goes to check on him, and Louis apologizes for voting them out, explains that when AJ shot Marlon, he blamed Clementine when that wasn’t the right thing to do. He had a lot going on emotionally on top of what was happening around him, but after having two weeks to work through things alone, even though he’ll never be happy Marlon died, he can understand why AJ thought it was the right thing to do... and if he could take everything back, he would. He knew that the moment they came back, and he still does. 

I just.... how often does Clementine ever get an actual apology from anyone who has hurt her? A real apology from someone who means it and then doesn’t just turn around and repeat the same hurtful actions? Like... it baffles me that people will look at this genuine apology and tell him to fuck off, but will accept and continue to adore someone like Kenny who will apologize for hurting Clem, only to never try to be better and ends up hurting her even more next time. 

Or they’ll accept and justify Violet’s last minute apology for punching Clementine in the face on the boat and putting everyone [including AJ, rememeber?] at risk of either dying or being made into brainwashed soldiers by the delta. 

They both have reasons for their behaviors and you’ll work your ass off to justify them, and I’m not saying your points are wrong or invalid, but you seriously won’t even try to extend that same thing to Louis? Why? 

Well, jokes on you because I too will work my ass of to talk about Louis and what he’s going through and that’s how posts like this get made. I know not everyone is going to feel that connection to him that I have, and you’re allowed to not like him as a character, but realize that I’m also allowed to give my perspective on his character and why I disagree with points posed by those who don’t like him. 

The archery scene is one of my favorites. It’s Louis and Clementine proving that they’re able to open up to one another and say they’re sorry, to forgive the other without being petty or holding it over the other to throw back at them the next time they argue. It proves that Louis wants to put in the effort to repair their relationship and atone for the mistakes he made, to step up and not be “bad” anymore. 

I mean, Louis says it best himself. Everyone heard the jokes and the piano, after that, they stop listening... a lot of people just boil him down to a funny man who never takes anything seriously and the only thing he could ever bring to Clementine’s life is a good laugh, but those who stuck with him and put an effort into building his and Clementine’s relationship know better than that. They know how much this apology in ep2 means even with the downer that the timeline of events rushes everything a bit. 

The fact that Louis doesn’t have this big ego that prevents him from apologizes, that he can forgive AJ for what he did and still build a strong relationship with both him and Clementine, that if you earn his trust he will follow you to hell and back, that he isn’t afraid to call Clementine out on her bullshit and doesn’t have a come apart when she does the same to him, that with her and AJ by his side he finally doesn’t feel alone anymore.... it’s all just so fucking good. 

I dunno, maybe you can understand why I get so ugh whenever I still see these same arguments about him being made with this double standard that doesn’t apply to other characters.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

just because you’re afraid it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Titans 3.05

once more into the cold dark void of the internet with my stream-of-consciousness take on a superhero tv show...

spoilers ahead.

1. i cannot believe that among the first things i get to hear in this episode with my own two ears is the line 'eluded our overdudes'. why must you give me such pain along with so much joy, show?

1.5. scarecrow stringing jason along on this path to red-hood-dom is not something i would’ve ever expected, but does kind of make sense. 

1.55. i don’t know all the details of the original resurrection arc in the comics but i like that jason, weirdly, has a greater role to play in his own demise and rebirth? i think it makes it easier to draw a line between his past trauma, the demonstrably shitty and terrifying responsibility of being robin, the ways bruce and the titans wronged him, his responses to that, the reasons he turns to scarecrow, and his final evolution to red hood. it makes for a smoother character arc rather than a one that was interrupted for two decades before somebody went oh hey let’s resurrect that kid that the audience once voted to kill and make him an anti-hero!

1.75. what’s crane giving him? anti fear toxin? anyway, crane is a fucking creep and i’m not sure i want to see a whole lot of him on my screen.

2. oh, um, heads up: there’s a long sequence of unsteady cam + flickering lights right after the title card upto the 3:16 mark. it’s a bit headache-inducing so if you want to skip, you can go ahead and do that. 

2.45. that’s... weird... why would he dream about... donna...

ok, who am i kidding. i’m going to jump right into my theory about Why Titans Makes Sense Actually because the show itself is apparently not interested in explaining itself:

a) it makes no sense for jason to be conjuring up donna--who famously did not care much for him!--in his dreams. (he wasn’t even there when she died.) or for her to be telling him don’t go or there’s still time.

b) this leads me to think that that’s actually donna, in some sort of limbo between life and death, the kind of place where jericho used to be

c) rachel has demonstrated that she has the power to link the minds of the titans across great distances--she called jason and hank/dawn for help in 2.01, she linked up everybody later in the season, projected dick’s hallucination of his father into their brains without even realising she was doing it, and in the finale, she managed to get dick into conner’s brain. she’s in themyscira now. is this how she gets donna back to life? but reaching out to her in that non-space between life and death?

d) the next obvious question is: why isn’t donna appearing in the dreams of the other titans? she probably is, but they have better reason to be dreaming about her since they were actually close to her, unlike jason.

e) but why would she warn jason in particular? does she foresee jason entering the afterlife--however briefly? does she have an idea of what jason plans to do and what he will become?

f) anyway, more trippy mindscapes and weird psychic powers, yay!

2.5. my heart clenched when bruce comforted jason post-nightmare: clearly i’ve been reading way too much batfam fic. this is a side of bruce we haven’t really been told to expect by all the characters on the show calling him a ‘psychopath’ (*cough*unreliablenarrators*cough*) and him getting jason to speak to a professional speaks volumes about the kind of self-reflection he’s done post dick’s departure, and maybe some of the regrets he has with regards to how he dealt with dick’s traumas.

i mean, just look at him when jason dismisses his concerns! BRUCE IS TRYING JASON

anyway, i have a whole lot more i want to say about this, but i’ll save it for later. 

also: LESLIE THOMPKINS!!!!

3. i really like molly--and i love that she’s a friend from before jason got taken in by bruce, the implication that they meet up regularly and that she’s a grounding influence on him (tho clearly not grounding enough to not go along with his dumbass idea about confronting a child trafficker alone). 

3.5. aw, jason. robin was his armour against everything in the world that would throw him down and chew him to bits, but san francisco proved that even robin wasn’t enough to protect him. it’s really interesting how ‘disillusionment with the idea of robin’ is so integral to the traumas of both dick and jason but in such different ways. 

4. LESLIE!!!!!!! i even forgive her office being so goddamn blue because leslie! 

4.5. it makes so much sense for titans!verse leslie to be a therapist, because this show is so inward looking anyway, and therapist sessions are a useful tool to showcase this character work in a story. besides, at least in fanfic, leslie often seems to double up as a counsellor anyway. 

4.6. oh man. i’m not terribly convinced by walters’ red hood (tho i think that may be the point--argh. i’ll come back to this thought later. have to stop getting distracted!) but he plays the asshole kid that’s trying not to let any real emotion seep through really well.

“you’d like me to punch you, wouldn’t you”

5. not sure what to think of batman’s little trophy case other than the show winking unsubtly at us and going look look - catwoman! the riddler! two face! you excited yet?! it’s like the scene from the end of amazing spiderman 2 when they were trying to drum up excitement for a sinister six spinoff by having harry osborne walk by a bunch of display cases with stuff from iconic villains in them.

... but then again, bruce does like to display a lot of shit in his batcave, including his dead robin’s bloodstained costume, so.

5.5. bruce is so soft with jason it’s killing me. beyond just trying to learn from his mistakes with dick, it speaks to his own genuine desire to balance his dedication to gotham with doing the best by his sons, although he’s often not successful with that. 

i love that titans is really playing the long game with bruce wayne, with each season and character-perspective sliding in fresh pieces of a bigger puzzle. titans’ bruce has always been a phantom of other peoples’ making, but now we’re getting the idea that he’s a whole lot more complicated than other people make it seem.

5.75. it really recontextualises some of his actions from previous seasons: the fact that he locked dick out of his security systems in 1.06 is likely his way of respecting dick’s independence and his desire not to be associated with batman/gotham anymore. jason knowing about bruce’s tracker while dick doesn’t is probably bruce trying to be more honest and upfront with his charges. bruce sending jason packing off to sanfran to spend time with the titans is probably not him passing on a big responsibility to dick (as i first uncharitably thought) but him trying to get jason out of the toxic influence of gotham for a while and a sign of his trust in dick as a leader and a mentor,

5.8. i mean, bruce is a prick, but he’s also human.

6. i think leslie is doing some good work with jason here, though she may have overstepped the line with her line about robin as a construct being projected by a man with BPD. her speculations about bruce’s diagnosis have no place in her session with jason, and if bruce confides in her, an egregious violation of patient-therapist confidentiality. 

(about the diagnosis itself... i don’t know. i can’t really confirm or refute this without a whole lot more information, and i’m not sure if the writer of this episode means BPD in the same way an actual professional might.)

6.5. i think a huge thing that gets missed out in a lot of recent comics as well as movies/shows is that bruce didn’t create the robin persona out of whole cloth. dick did. he’s the starting point of that legacy and to call it entirely bruce’s creation is blatant erasure of that. in fact, i’m surprised that dick doesn’t feature more in the conversations they’re having about the pressures of being robin. after all, the guy had been robin--bruce’s partner--for such a long time before jason. 

6.8. (and here’s the primal part of me that resonates the deepest with dick grayson--the Eldest Daughter part--that’s sort of resentful: that jason gets the therapy and softness and the learning from mistakes when it took years and years for bruce to reach out in any meaningful way to dick.)

7. oooh that was a great scene!

it’s fun to do these stream-of-consciousness live reactions, because the moment you step down from your soapbox, the episode goes right into tackling what you were just complaining about. bruce means well, he’s learning, but he goes about exactly the wrong way to help jason: taking away robin now can’t be read by jason as anything but a devastating judgment call from bruce. and iain glen really sells the moment that bruce realises this--too late--and his helplessness in trying to get jason to see that it isn’t jason’s fault that he’s trying to do this. he loves jason enough that jason is enough. 

7.5. aaaah so jason brings up the elephant in the room at last. dick got everything makes sense from his perspective, where getting to put on a costume and fight crime means approval, means being something stronger and better than you are. dick got to be robin, then nightwing, and a leader of a whole team of other costume-clad heroes. 

8. ... how did jason just walk into arkham????? this is ridiculous.

8.3. i mean, clearly jason’s not thinking straight, but betraying batman like this puts his possibilities of being robin again even further away. 

8.5. watching that chemistry experiment montage was strangely funny. this guy is looking for an antidote to fear? well, constantly mixing up and inhaling gases concocted by a mad-scientist supervillain is something only the very fearless--reckless to the point of foolishness!--would do. what’s to say crane’s not given you a formula for a drug that will keep you tethered to his every will and whim? hmmmm?

8.7. so he sought out the joker to... test the formula??? 

9. wow the “loud and clear... boss” hits different after a whole episode of them referring to each other as father and son.

9.3. waitwaitwait HOLD UP. wait a DANG MINUTE. you’re telling me that scarecrow had enough resources that he could not only have folks on the outside steal jason away and dunk him in a lazarus pit (i TOLD you that this show would bring up and dismiss ra’s al ghul in a ten second aside! I TOLD YOU) but also have his own little chemistry lab in the basement, AND have enough resources for jason to build his red hood persona???????? all of this in barely twenty four hours?

well there goes my ‘jason orchestrated his death’ theory. it was nice while it lasted. *cups hands to the sky* fly away, my baby.

9.6. a part of me is gleeful at the rushed nature of such an iconic transformation though, especially when compared to all the character work that went before it. we’re so used to getting the opposite that it’s fucking delightful to have a show that’s more interested in exploring its characters’ minds rather than battle scenes or recreating transformations from the comics. that’s taken such bold and exciting steps to fully convey all the nuances of its most recognisable character, bruce wayne, from casting an older actor to play him to unflinchingly showing just how damaging the vigilante lifestyle has been to him and the people he loves. BRILLIANT

*sporfle*

10. again, heads up: a whole lot of flashing lights between 40:28 and 42:00. 

10.3. i guess it’s the super-compressed timeline that’s really throwing me off. where did he have the time to get/develop the mind control thing from? or is it something that he got from the cabal of villains that he intimidated at the beginning of 3.02? very messy.

10.5. i love molly, i hope she shows up again this season.

11. aaaand that’s it! that was a solid episode as flashback episodes go, but now i can’t wait to return to the present.

[miscellaneous-bnha]

Poly! Ghosts Hawks/Shouto x Fem! Reader

Commissioned by @bobawithpomegranate

CW: Nothing too bad. Strangers to friends to FWB to lovers, Some light angst, happy ending, Shouto eats Hawks’ cum to prove a point, Hawks and Shouto throwing shade at each other, spitroasting, reader is constantly overstimmed at the end --------------------------------------------------------

Your quirk quite literally made you see dead people.

Thankfully, you don’t actually have to see what caused their death, but rather during their best moment before their passing.

Your ability to interact with them, however, solely depends on their state of mind during their passing.

For people who were in grief over their passing, they were often too hysterical to communicate with.

People who’d come to accept their passing were easier to talk to, but touching was relatively impossible because they were on their way into transitioning into another life. Their energy was too little to physically interact with.

People who weren’t in grief over their passing, but still struggled to accept it would be able to make physical contact with you as well as avoid the hysteria.

In other words:

You hadn’t expected to literally run into pro heroes Hawks and Shouto

3 months after their supposed passing.

You were skeptical because no bodies were ever found.

But now you knew.

And it was awkward.

------------------------------------

“So…” you slide into your apartment with the ghosts of the former(?) pro-heroes shortly behind you, “you died during the last villain attack, then?” Hawks shrugs.

“Technically, yes, but also no. Do you remember what the villain’s quirk was?”

“To make people ‘disappear’ or something?”

“Yeah, something like that. Come to find out, their quirk turns people into ghosts. We don’t actually know if we’re dead or alive.”

“That would explain your continued existence then.”

For the next several hours, the three of you talk about the possibilities, but with no safe way of testing any of your theories, you opt to just giving them a space to stay, even if they don’t actually need it.

The next morning, you thank your lucky stars that you don’t have work, considering you would have been 4 hours late by now. You’re also slightly unnerved to find the both of them watching you.

“Sorry, but there isn’t exactly a whole lot we can do anymore. Watching you make funny faces in your sleep is the best we have.” Todoroki shrugs as you sputter indignantly,

“I don’t make funny faces.” “Sorry to tell you, but he’s not wrong. Your face is pretty funny.” you glare at the winged pro,

“You’re not helping.” He shrugs,

“Never said I was trying to.”

You decide to let them pick a Netflix show to leave on overnight, making sure it would continue to run for several hours uninterrupted as you slept.

--------------------------------------

the show they ended up coming to agree on was some weird trashy reality show.

You didn’t even know it’s existed.

But that’s ok

You didn’t need to know.

Watching them float around your apartment and explore was… a little unnerving, to say the least.

Considering this was your private space and all

But they were good company

Hawks talks a lot about how he misses fried chicken, and that you should eat some for him every time you try and get food together

Only to be interrupted by Todoroki

Honestly, you thought it was to be like “leave her alone and let her eat what she wants”

But then boy really was out here like “she should eat cold soba for me instead”

Like wow, thanks.

-----------------------------------

“C’mon, mini Endeavor! Don’t be so cold.” 

‘Wow, talk about shots fired.’ you raise your eyebrows, turning to Shouto

“Call me that again, and I’ll roast you alive you KFC reject.”

‘Oh yikes; returned serve.’ you look at Hawks from the corner of your eye.

“Oooh, feisty kitty. Little calico catboy. Besides, we’re ghosts; I don’t think you can kill me like this.”

‘Saucy. Pro Hero Hawks confesses to knowing what catboys are.’ you bite your lip, raising your glass to take a sip.

“Test me again and you’ll find out, Red Robin.”

‘He’s got you there.’ you nod to yourself.

“Fair enough.”

It’s silent for a moment; you set your glass down and look up just in time to see Hawks smirk.

“If it makes you feel better… your dad tastes about as awful as he acts.” It doesn’t make Shouto feel better, but it’s good to know that the most damage he can do is strangle Hawks.

----------------------------------------

“They’re good company” you decide

But you’ve been pent up for almost a month now, and you decide that you’re almost horny enough to rent a hotel room to ‘solve your problems’

But you don’t because that’s a little weird

That doesn’t stop you from fantasizing though.

You don’t expect them to be watching you in the morning one day

-----------------------------------------

“I thought I put Netflix on for y’all.” You turn into your pillow, groaning quietly as your legs and back stretch.

“We were watching it…” Todoroki starts,

“Then a certain little missy started making noises.” you grunt, perturbed.

“Okay, so I sleep talk. What about it?”

“I don’t know if you could call that *sleep talking*, per se…” You peek an eye open at Hawks, squinting when you notice his grin, “What do you think, catboy?”

“Definitely wouldn’t call it sleep talking.” He says from the other side of you. You don’t expect the small smirk on his lips, nor do you expect the way he stares at you so intensely.

“What… do you mean…?” you shove yourself further under your sheets, heart rising up into your throat.

“Sounds like someone’s a *little*...” Hawks looms over you, lips next to your ear, “pent up.”

You shiver hard, but cough and try to save face.

“How do I know you’re not lying to me?” you grumble, closing your eyes as if you were trying to go back to sleep.

“I bet if we take those pretty panties of yours, they’ll be soaked right now.” Hawks presses, eyes growing hungrier.

You flounder for a moment, and that’s all it takes for Hawks to make his move.

“Do you want some help, birdie? Want me to use my fingers on that pretty little pussy?” You shudder and whine, growing embarrassingly wet,

“I bet you’re just dripping from the thought, aren’t you?”

“Sh-shut up…” you spit weakly, pressing your thighs together.

“C’mon, why don’t you let me help?” His hands are slapped away before they can pull the sheets from you.

“Maybe she doesn’t want you to touch her,” Shouto slides his hand down your back; before you can whine in protest, more than willing to follow through, he continues.

“Maybe she’d rather have a real man touch her, not some ‘Original Recipe’ asshole.” You laugh into the pillow despite yourself.

Even now, Shouto somehow manages to make this into some strange competition they’ve been having, but you don’t complain when two pairs of— admittedly cold— hands pull away the sheets.

Especially when you’re no longer finding yourself in need of a hotel room.

----------------------------------------------

Somehow, you end up being Friends with Benefits with both of them.

Though they only ever used their fingers and mouths on you, but you weren’t going to complain

“It’s the least we could do, since you’re giving us somewhere to linger and free entertainment.”

Or so they said, anyway.

Somehow they learn just when you’re in desperate need of their touch before you even walk in through the door, almost instantly tugging you in and throwing your clothes off.

Despite the strange circumstances, you end up growing closer to the both of them over time

Part of you dreads the day you figure out how to reverse the villain's quirk

Assuming it’s possible

Not only were they both the best bed partners you could ask for

You genuinely enjoy their company and shady banter

But in moments when you’re all huddled up on the couch, watching yet another trashy reality show

You forget they’re ghosts in the first place

-------------------------------------

“God, I can’t believe Jasmine.” You scoff, throwing a piece of popcorn at the TV.

“Right? Paula didn’t deserve that shit. That girl is a queen.” Hawks grumbles in agreement, groaning when the interviewers cut to Jasmine.

“Agreed. Paula is queen.”

“It’s a miracle the two of you haven’t completely fried your brains watching this.” Shouto rolls his eyes, reading a book you brought home the other day.

“Shut up. You’re just mad Bernadette got voted off last week.” Hawks throws a kernel at Shouto, but— expectedly— it goes right through him.

“Bernie was the only decent girl and you both know it.” He glares, borderline pouting.

You smile, bittersweet. You grab the kernel that phased right through Shouto and continue watching the episode in silence.

You’re too lost in thought to notice the way they look at you.

-------------------------------------------

At one point, their words and touches become so much sweeter, even outside the bedroom

When, however, is a question you couldn’t even begin to answer.

Some days, you wake up to the two of them brushing your cheeks, your hair.

Shouto grabs your hand gently, planting a soft peck on it with a quiet ‘Good morning, sweetheart.’

Hawks following up with a kiss to your  temple, “how’d you sleep?”

Other times, they would greet you at the door, asking about your day as they helped you out of your coat, taking your bag from you.

It felt so domestic, so peaceful, so *loving*

 you were afraid of it shattering like glass under a sledgehammer

But as they say, all good things must come to an end

-------------------------------------------

“Good morning, hummingbird.” You groan when Hawks presses a kiss to your eyelid, warm fingers tracing over your cheek.

Warm?

You open your eyes, whipping your head to look at the winged hero, “Hawks? You’re warm??”

He grins, pretending to be bashful, “Oh, why thank you! I’ve been told I’m rather nice.”

“No no no, you’re warm. Not cold.” You grab his hand and inspect it, thumbs pressing into his palms. He grunts,

“Well, now that you mention it, the room *is* a bit cold.” You hardly pay attention to him though when you’re suddenly stumbling out into the living room.

“Shou? Shouto?” You find him sitting on the couch. He looks up from the book, shocked.

“Yes? What is it? Are you okay??” He stands, meeting you halfway as you press your hands to his cheeks.

“Warm…” you whisper, heart thumping painfully in your chest.

“Well, at least your left side is.” You pull your hands away from his cheeks as he looks at you baffled, then to Hawks.

“Is everything alright? What’s going on?”

“I think… I think you’re human again.” You laugh humorlessly, and they look at you skeptically.

“Human? How? We didn’t do anything.” you give an exaggerated shrug,

“I don’t know, but how else am I supposed to explain your temperature.” They stay silent. You expect them to.

A pregnant pause, then you let out a shaky breath.

“I gotta call someone…” you tug at your hair, “Before someone finds out and I get accused for kidnapping you both.”

“Well, let’s not be too hasty, I mean” — Hawks shrugs— “everyone thinks we’re dead anyway. Wait and see if we stay warm.”

“And if they find out you’re here? Then what?” You grimace, more at the idea of them disappearing than the consequences, but you also knew that you wouldn’t be able to financially handle the backlash.

They both stay silent, Hawks giving you a shaky smile. “Then… just a couple of days. Just to make sure we’re actually back.”

--------------------------------------

The next two days were unbearable

The tension in the air thick enough to cut with a knife

The timing of the universe must have been lined up for this very moment, your first two days off in months leaving you stuck between them on the couch

Nobody said a word, not even when Bernadette made a surprise comeback in season 9

Thinking about constantly being alone again made your heart turn to ice 

But as it stood, all you had connecting you was the ghosting quirk and your FWB relationship

But as quick as it came, it was gone

The number of officials flooding your apartment and interrogating you was overwhelming, but Hawks and Shouto were quick to step in and explain

At least, everything they could anyway

According to the association, they couldn’t squeeze anything out of the villain responsible for changing Hawks and Shouto into ghosts

But once they confirmed that you were not a threat, they left you with a “light” warning

In other words: “Stay away. You’ve done enough”

---------------------------------------------

Your house was so quiet, yet the T.V was on, your phone playing music, trying desperately to distract yourself with the book Shouto was reading. Nothing worked.

You still felt the way their presence lingered, practically permeated the room. You couldn’t sleep in your own bed anymore, sheets feeling far too warm. Sitting anywhere other than the middle seat on your couch made you feel like you were taking up someone’s space. Your kitchen seemed to have just a little too much space to move.

Two months pass since they’ve left, and it never seemed to get better. Rather than stressed, you just felt... tired. You wanted to feel anything but tired, but the echoes of their banter only reminded you that they were gone…

And you were alone once again.

You had no way of contacting them, and they were probably far too busy with the press to even think about the nobody girl who found them wandering.

Days blended together until it all came falling down. You fell into watching the news, the tabloids all celebrating the return of their favorite heroes Hawks and Shoto. Even Endeavor seemed uncharacteristically floored to see his son alive and well.

You laughed bitterly; ‘I would bet money on the fact that he probably rolled his eyes when he saw his father.’ wry smile on your lips.

Maybe another cup of coffee would be worthwhile.

--------------------------------------------

You told yourself daily to just get over the unrequited feelings, yet you still yearned to see them every day.

You wished it were easier to pretend they were never here at all

Especially when they did it so well.

Though you supposed it was all the hero work talking.

You couldn’t bring yourself to finish the last season you’d been watching with them, memories still too fresh even if it’s been more than a couple of months since you touched it

Netflix did a wonderful job at reminding you constantly

Eventually, you stopped watching netflix too

But couldn’t bring yourself to stop paying for a subscription, naively believing they would be back to continue as if nothing changed

You loathed it

Yet it was the only illusion you had left

Until it wasn’t an illusion anymore

---------------------------------------------

It’s half passed one in the morning when you hear a knock at your door, frantic and desperate. You stumble out off the couch, nearly ramming your body into the door in an attempt to peek through the peephole.

You couldn’t believe your eyes when a flash of crimson feathers crossed your vision.

You yank the door open, wondering if this was some sort of cruel dream when you’re brutally reminded that it’s not, and that Hawks is-- indeed-- standing in front of you. In the flesh.

“Hey birdie.” he starts, looking far too exhausted.

“Hawks…” you whisper breathless, lungs rattling in disbelief when you inhale.

“Yeah… it’s me. The calico wanted to be here too, but his dad wouldn’t let him out of the house.” he smiles, strained.

“Shouto… wait, why are you here?” you glance around his form nervously, expecting to see blood. He swallows a thick lump,

“Can’t a bird just come say hello?”

You wheeze, smile more like a grimace, but you step aside and let him in. He walks around, more than well acquainted with every corner. Fingers running over your furniture, as if he were still trying to feel the memories that lingered.

“S’ colder than I remember.” he whispers and you nod,

“Yeah… Heater broke some time last month. Still waiting for the landlord to get back to me.” he doesn’t reply, staring at your bedroom door.

It’s painfully silent, but you’re afraid he’ll disappear if you say something now. You can’t tell what he’s thinking, not with his back facing you. Then he turns, and suddenly you’re far too aware of all the words he has to say to you.

For the first time in months, you feel like you’re burning alive.

--------------------------------------------

By the time Hawks was through with you, the sun was high in the sky.

You didn’t think you’d be able to say you got dicked down hard enough to stay stuck in bed, yet here you were

Stuck in bed

His fingers run through your hair, sweet words of adoration leaving his lips with every kiss he presses to your skin

You can hardly believe that Hawks is still here

Even after he’s spent all night and all morning fucking it into you

You don’t remember the number of times he’s whispered how much he’s missed you

How much he wanted you

How much he needed you

Yet here he was

Fingers rubbing into your skin how badly he needed you to be real

The blissful illusion broken by sharp knocking on your front door

Yet Hawks-- or rather Keigo, as he insists-- still smiles

“Hope you’re not too tired, birdie… Your day’s only just begun.”

You don’t know if you should be afraid or not.

-------------------------------------------------

“Shou--!” you’re cut off when he practically scrambles into your bed, lips smothering yours.

“Fuck, I missed you baby.” he growls against your lips, ‘I’m a little pissed the Chick-fil-a wannabe got to you first though.” “You’re still on that, huh.” Hawks muses, lazy grin on his lips when you squeal at the cold air hitting your skin, blanket gracelessly thrown to the side by the half-and-half hero.

“And you made a fuckin’ mess, asshole.” Shouto grumbles when he pulls your hips to the edge of the bed, forcing your legs open. You can feel the way Keigo’s cum drips out of you, making you flush in embarrassment.

“Don’t… don’t stare, dammit.” you cover your face, knowing full well that he would never let you push his head away.

From experience, of course.

“Ruined such a pretty little pussy... “ you hear him mutter before his tongue is licking a wet stripe up the length of your pussy, circling around your clit before sucking it into his mouth. You’re still so sensitive, and you almost howl in sweet agony from the way your clit throbs and stings from the overstimulation.

“Whoops, can’t have you alerting the neighbors now can we?” Keigo says as he sits on the bed next to your head, stuffing his fingers into your mouth.

You can tell he’s only pretending to play it cool, his wings puffing out impressively the longer he watches your face twist and your eyes cross, moaning and humming around his fingers. You feel cold fingers press into you and you gasp, the temperature shock making your clench harder around them. “Oops, sorry. Should have warned you.” Shouto hums, not sounding the least bit sorry. His fingers press and coax the deepest parts of you, massaging your gummy walls. You arch and cry out, thankful that Keigo’s fingers were capable of muffling your noises.

“Geez, you’re wasting all my milk there, kitty cat.” you can hear the shit eating grin on his face, but it’s quick to drop when Shouto’s suddenly licking and sucking, slurping obscenely before pulling away and giving Keigo an unamused ‘meow’.

Keigo doesn’t respond, too shocked for his usual witty comebacks, but that doesn’t deter Shouto from trailing his warmer fingers up your body, pressing over your stomach.

The contrast between his cold fingers prodding around inside you and the warm ones pressing down on your tummy makes you breathless, cumming with a squeaky moan, thighs shaking around Shouto’s head. He chuckles, amused at the way you clench around his fingers, coaxing you through your orgasm until you slack against the bed.

You’re suddenly turned around, head hanging off the edge of the bed, still lying flat on your back.

“Wha…” you slur, attempting to look at Shouto who’s climbing on the bed, pulling your legs over  his hips when suddenly Keigo’s standing by your head, leaning down and planting a sweet kiss on your lips.

“Think you can take us both at the same time, hummingbird?” his cock is in his hand, stroking lazily. You swallow, chewing on your lip before nodding slowly.

You weren’t actually sure, but you’d be damned if you didn’t at least try.

“Atta girl…” he praises, stroking your cheek gently before pressing the tip against your lips. You give it a cheeky little kiss to mask your own nerves, tongue poking out to tease him before your mouth drops open into a moan, the feeling of Shouto filling you up immediately distracting you.

“It’s not nice to tease, baby.” he teases you, hips smacking into yours rudely. You choke when Keigo fills your mouth, fighting to relax your throat.

You’re thankful that he’s at least taking some care to help support your head and neck, but your thoughts are quick to drift away as Shouto stuffs and stretches your cunt, nothing but grunts and hums leaving you as Keigo slowly fills your mouth.

“God, what a pretty sight birdie. Your little throat flexing around my cock.” he mutters, hand caressing the front of your throat, squeezing gently. You try to focus on keeping your breathing even, but it’s hard when Shouto continues to insist on fucking you so roughtly.

“Your cute little cunny looks so small, stretched around my fat cock baby.” he groans, only taking a short moment to savor the way his cock looks covered in your juices and some of Keigo’s leftover cum, almost immediately slamming into that spot that has your eyes crossing, stars flashing across your vision.

You lose complete track of time as they take you in every which way until suddenly you’re waking up, clean and tucked into bed. Hawks sits on your left, Shouto to your right. Hands caress your body sweetly, whispered words almost enough to distract you from the aching pain in your body.

“Sorry, sweetheart… we got carried away” Shouto kisses your knuckles gently, eyes gentle compared to the ferocity they had before.

“It’s been so long since we’ve been able to see you, touch you… I thought I was going to go crazy,” Keigo follows up.

You don’t think you could talk even if you tried, so you just squeeze their hands. They squeeze back silently, all three of you basking in each other's presence.

Something tells you that they won’t be going anywhere any time soon.

[loxxxlay]

Can we get the rest of the ball destroying story?

This is a very long and probably anticlimactic story about how I destroyed an attorney's metaphorical balls by not letting him get away with being a toxic pile of shit. I hope you enjoy.

So, the first thing you need to know is that my old boss (whom I will call M) is a real fucking asshole. 1, he voted for trump; 2, he's a creep; 3, most obnoxiously, he treated his previous lead paralegal like a freaking wife.... or actually worse than a wife really... like an object. like a trophy wife. When the lead paralegal left, he basically treated her like she was divorcing him, as if she was an object of his possession. And he was like "you'll NEVER have it better than you have here, and i'll never let you come back." (Funny story: i am one of 5 paralegals there who put in their 2 week notice during June, and they were so panicked that they called this exact former lead paralegal and asked her to come back. -_-)

Okay so anyway, let's cut the story back to about 2 months ago. I have been M's lead paralegal for about 8 months now since the previous one left, and I'm hating it. I'm actively job hunting because M is becoming toxic to me the same way he was to the last paralegal. I needed references, so I asked another attorney who also worked there to be my reference. We will call him T. So T is my favorite attorney. T is the first person I came out to as having a girlfriend at the firm, and he never once betrayed me. He is everything that M is not. He gives positive feedback like he gives out candy, but he's also honest and real in a way that not a lot of ppl are.

So anyway I secretly ask him to be a reference on my resume, and T is like "sure! but well funnily enough, I'm actually leaving the firm in 2 weeks. I can't ethically recruit people while I'm here, so I'm going to end this conversation here, but.... wink wink, nudge nudge, call me in 2 weeks." So I'm like COOL COOL. And we don't speak of it again.

So 2 weeks pass, I continue job hunting, T leaves the firm. He calls me literally the next day, and he immediately is like "I wanna hire you" and I'm like "okay cool, I wanna be hired." So boom I got a new job. Ethically. (I'm serious though, T is a very ethical guy and he did nothing wrong.) So anyway, T is okay with me waiting until my NYU program in June is over, so my start date is July 1. 1 month from then. T also asks me very politely not to tell M where I'm going because it would sour their "friendship" (a.k.a. the attorney world in utah is a small world and he doesn't want M to get his feelings hurt). And I want to be clear, T did not pressure me at all - he asked for a favor, and I decided to do it for him, because I care about him, that's it. If at any point it became a burden for me, I would have changed my mind, and T would have understood.

So, I wait a week until I'm in New York to tell M i'm leaving him. I come up with a brilliant excuse for why I don't want to tell him where I'm going - "I have a few offers and I don't want to talk about it while I'm still deciding" (which wasn't even really a lie). So I call my boss and I tell him I'm putting in my two weeks. And he treats me like he always treats people - he interrogates me. Except this time, he's shocked and upset, so he SUPER interrogates me. It's super inappropriate questions like "why are you quitting???" and "is it because of money???" and "this is SUCH bad timing" - but it's frustrating because he's an attorney and he knows how to dress up these rude questions with politeness. In a way that if I call him out on it, I'll be the one who looks inappropriate. :( It sucked. But luckily I had spent 3 days researching how to approach this, and.... I gave him nothing. He was desperate for fuel to try to convince me to stay or guilt-trip me into working overtime, and I just didn't give him any because I was prepared, and also.... I'm good at this. My mom says I've been good at this since I was 3-years-old lol.

Anyway so unfortunately during the conversation, he asked the question "Where are you going?" and I immediately gave him my excuse. And I expected that to be done and over with. Idk why I thought it'd be that easy... He immediately started trying to guess where I was going. And at what point, he said "are you going to work for T????" and..... honestly guys... I panicked. I lied. I said, "uh, no." flat out lmao. Like, I was just so shocked that he was asking me in the first place. :( But weirdly, he believed me and that was that (or maybe he filed away the lie for later use as you'll see). I also want to make it clear here that I, at first, wasn't telling M where I was going because T had asked me to... but at this point, with how nosy and inappropriate M was asking, I didn't want to tell M anymore either. It wasn't for T that I was hiding it; it was for me. Like, no M, I don't want you to have any personal details. You're being 150% more of a creep than usual which is impressive considering.

Anyway so I never tell anyone where I'm going except 2 ppl whom I trust on my last day (and yes, one of them betrayed me, which kinda sucks D:). I told T that I had lied to M, and T was like "it's okay, if he finds out, I'll have ur back" and also... I told T I go by Echo instead of my legal name/dead name, so I'm fine with the lie because M will probably never find out anyway. and T was delighted and super supportive of my enby identity. ^_^ It's cute because he never called me by name, but now all of his texts and statements deliberately start out with my name as if to remind me that he supports it lol.

Anyway so flash forward to my new day at the job. It's going great. I love it there. And then I check my phone and I see this fucking text:

M: "I hear you work for T now. I wish you the best, but I specifically remember asking you if that's where you would be working, and you said no."

Like.... what the actual fuck? He never texts me, and also I've been gone from his firm for like a day.. max... have some chill, lmfao. like. At first, I was REALLY upset. Not in a "i feel bad for lying" kind of way. I couldn't care less about that. More in a "i feel like i'm being stalked, one of two close friends betrayed me, and also what the fuck, why are you texting me this??" #yikes. But then that night, I was talking to my dad about it. And I became super amused? Like. What is he going for here? What does he want me to say? What response does he hope that I'll give that will make him feel better? Does he want me to call him crying and begging for forgiveness and for my job back? Like? I genuinely sincerely want to know what the fuck he was expecting me to say. I want to understand what was going through his head lol.

And of course, because I am a passive aggressive bitch, I immediately catch on to the fact that he is Butthurt (shocking, I know). His feelings are hurt. An object of his, his very own lead paralegal, lied to him outright and he didn't see it coming! How dare she! He wants to make me feel hurt like he feels hurt, and he's a lawyer, he knows how to interrogate people and manipulate people and get them to suck his dick, idk. So he should be able to use those skills to make me feel bad for lying. He wants to one-up me. But see, what he didn't realize is that....

1, I don't feel guilty for lying to him... at all... like, it took me a couple hours to realize this, but the only negative emotion it made me feel was discomfort and fear. not guilt. the same way i feel when a strange man asks me for a hug, and i feel like refusing would look "rude." Like, there's nothing guilty about that. So yeah. His goal is to expose my guilt to make himself feel better, but... my guilt doesn't exist, so good luck

2, um, like I said earlier, I've been a passive aggressive bitch since the day I was born, unlike this bitch who had to go to college to learn how to do it, and not only that - I'm better at it than him. lmfao. His pride is gonna take a hit.

so I toy with the idea of ignoring him because I know that will really fuck him up and make him constantly think about it and check his texts to see if I've responded. But then T tells me that it's probably better to not burn a bridge because again.... super small world here.

So anyway lol, my response ends up being pretty simple but painstakingly constructed:

"Thank you! :) It wasn't an option at the time - it was a new development after you and I had already talked. I wish you the best as well."

The "Thank you! :)" to seem like I am utterly oblivious to the hidden accusation and passive aggressiveness. The middle sentence to be like "uh, are you really accusing me of lying right now?" and the last sentence, my favorite, to shut down the conversation forever. Now, if he responds, he already lost. Because there's no way to continue this conversation without exposing the fact that his "I wish you the best" was completely insincere. I've stripped away his ability to respond fake-politely (which is his modus operandi), and I've forced the last word on him.

Also, even better... (and no one has any way of proving this, least of all him, but) that statement (the "it wasn't an option at the time - it was a new development after you and i had already talked") is completely a lie on my part, and he knows it. T offered me the job the Monday after he left. There's no way he doesn't know that. So not only did I show obliviousness and not only did I shut the conversation down, I outright stonecold lied a second time. And there's no way for him to call me out on it. Like what could he even do? Send me a screenshot of my hire date? Send me a screenshot of an email I sent to a coworker? If he tries that, he's already lost again because like ... obviously super immature... it would be so easy to crush him with niceness like "Wow, I can tell this has really bothered you!" hahahhaha. Sadly he's smart enough not to do that, but it must be infuriating to know I'm lying and not be able to accuse me.

As an attorney whose literal job it is to catch & expose people lying, he literally watched me flat out lie to his face. Twice. And I didn't feel bad about it. And there was nothing he could do about it either time. He went to law school for this shit, and he still can't out-passive-aggressive me, the classic bitch.

Anyway so T apparently he showed his wife M's message, and she was like "oh my god what an asshole!!!" which I must admit was extremely validating!! And then he showed his wife my message, and she made a shocked face and said "wow she's good." And I always thought T was kinda just flattering me to be nice when he complimented my use of words in defusing angry clients and conveying info about a sensitive subject... but apparently his wife thinks so too, so I guess he's been more serious than I thought. I feel so.... complimented.... it's weird.... but I"m very happy and squeeing.

It's been like almost 24 hours and M has yet to respond to me, and if he does, he's already lost. I'll eviscerate him.

So like I know this story is probably disappointing and might not seem like I shanked his balls, but ... take my word for it because if u knew what a chaotic insecure pathetic mess he was and how he desperately claws for control by trying to intimidate and upset all of his employees (and pretty much always succeeds), then you'd understand that he's NEVER encountered something like this before. Someone literally just not giving a shit what he thinks about them. And from what I know of him, I promise you that this has certainly fucked him up for a good long while. And that makes me happy :')

[demivampirew]

The American

Napoleon Solo x OFC (Carmen Martínez)

Triggers: talking about coup d'état (no descriptions of violence, though), talking about sex (no descriptions/ no smut); the death of a friend.

A/N: I talked a bit about the Argentinian history. I think I did a decent job with what I remember from one of my classes from college 😁 There’s some Spanish, but everything is translated, so don’t worry if you don’t speak Spanish.

You can find more of my writings in the Masterlist

Tag list: @lunedelorient @henrythickcavill @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @mary-ann84 @desperate-and-broken @peakygroupie @summersong69 @ivvitm1109 @madbaddic7ed @iloveyouyen @the-soot-sprite @hell1129-blog @whyyoudothistomecavill @thetaoofzoe​ @thereisa8ella​ @darkbooksarwin

Date: March, 1962

Place: Buenos Aires, Argentina.

The handsome man smiled at the waitress when she brought the black coffee he requested moments before.

“Muchísimas gracias, señorita.” (Thank you so much, miss) he said with a big smile on his face. 

“No tiene nada que agradecer, señor. Por favor, hágame saber si necesita otra cosa.” (No need to thank me, sir. Please let me know if you need anything else) she replied very politely.

“De hecho, hay algo más que necesitaría que haga por mi.” (In fact, there’s something else I would need you to do for me) he prompted as a devilishly smirk appeared on his face. “¿Podría darme su número telefónico?” (Could you give me your phone number?) he finished asking and the young woman got really nervous.

“She can’t give you her number, she’s married to the asshole looking at you from inside the Coffee place and he’s going to beat her if he finds out you’re flirting with her.” The man heard a female voice explained and he looked to the other table placed on the outside of the store and there was a woman in her late twenties/ early thirties sitting there, drinking coffee. This woman gave a slight nod to the waitress and she smiled at her and the gentleman and ran back inside.

He looked at his coffee for a second, lost in his thoughts and then grabbed the cup and went to sit next to the lady. She rolled her eyes but said nothing. There was a minute of silence in which the handsome stranger took a sip of his hot beverage and then he spoke:

“How did you know that I spoke English?” he asked, amused and curious.

“Being an American, I would be surprised if you didn’t,” she replied while she continued to read the newspaper she had on her hands.

“And how did you arrive to the conclusion that I’m an American?” 

“Two things: A) your clothing. You’re wearing a suit and the fabric is quite expensive. Here, with the economic state of the country, only extremely rich men could afford a suit like that. B) Earlier, when you got here you saw two foreigners argue in English and you said to the waitress “ja, americanos” (Ha, Americans) while laughing at their behaviour.

“And how is that proof that I’m American?” he questioned while raising an eyebrow. 

The woman looked at him smirking, very amused by the situation.

“You would never hear a local call someone from the United States Americano (American)” she stated.

“Why not?” he was surprised and confused.

“Because we’re taught in school that America is a continent, not a country. So for us you are Americans, but so are we, because we live in the American continent, darling,” she explained.

“Hu, I didn’t see that coming” he replied amused by the new information he learned and her deductive skills. She could easily be a spy if she wanted to.

“Jack Deveny” he said as extended his hand.

“Carmen Martínez” she replied while shaking his hand.

“What a pretty name.” 

“Thanks, yours is very pretty too, Mr. Solo” she said in a soft voice, making sure no one heard her say that name. 

Napoleon froze. His eyes were wide open. How did she know that name?  What else did she know about him? Not very often it would happen, something that would catch him by surprise.

“H-how…” he started asking but she interrupted him.

“I constantly check the list of people coming to this country and their backgrounds.” she began to explain “I saw that a man by the name of Jack Deveny was coming to the country for vacation purposes and it caught my attention. You’ll see, “Mr. Deveny”, we haven’t had many American visitors in the last couple of years due to our tense political climate. Only people dealing with business or political related issues to attend would come to Argentina. So, whenever I see someone from the United States or Europe coming here, I follow them to see what they’re up to.”

“And what am I up to, Mrs. Martínez? Is that even your real name?” he asked and she smirked.

“Your orders were to find out if the rumours about Fidel Castro coming once more to Argentina to talk to the President were true; that’s what the papers you left on your hotel room said. You know, for a spy you’re terrible at hiding important documents. I would work on fixing that, sir.” she shrugged and giggled. “And believe it or not, yes, that’s my real name.”

“Hu. You criticized me for not hiding my secret and you’re out there giving away your real name,” he said amused and, to be honest, a bit offended.

“That’s because I’m here to have an honest conversation with you and I think for that to happen there should be no covers here.”

“What do you want to talk about?” 

“Your boss is fucking you,” she said, lowering her voice.

“Pardon me?” 

“They lied to you. They send you here not to spy on Castro, because they know he’s not coming here any time soon, but because they know a coup d'état is about to happen and they want someone from their team to witness it and to find out who’s going to take charge after President Frondizi is forced to resign and how that will affect your country.” she explained to him. “And I say they’re fucking you because they made you believe this was an easy mission but they did not inform you properly about the political and social state were currently living.”

“Ok. Would you care to do what they failed to do?” he requested.

“What do you know about my country's politics?”

“Not much, to be honest. I know your president has tried to keep a good relationship with America but he also supported the Cuban Revolution, which tensed up a bit the relationship with my country.” Napoleon replied.

“Well, trying to play both teams it’s something he not only did with the USA and Cuba. What do you know about former president Perón?” Carmen inquired.

“Military man. Help create the syndicates. Big, big following.” 

“He has a big, big group of enemies as well.” the woman told him. “The social politics that he applied while in office made a lot of people who saw themselves affected by his rulings hate him and do everything in their power to move him for his charge. He helped with the creation of syndicates and other groups that fought for the rights of workers, but some of the leaders of those groups became powerful men that had their own following and some anarchist groups were born. Those groups were extremely protective of Perón and his politics and would even go violent if they felt they needed to protect those beliefs. After he was forced to resign a year before he could finish his second term, a decree was passed that forced syndicates to cease activities and practice any worship of Perón and his politics.” she paused for a moment and continued, “When Frondizi was campaigning for the presidency after democracy was once again installed, he made a no so secret pact with the former president, promising him that if he convinced his followers to vote for him, he would reinstall syndicate activities and the practice of his political beliefs. The thing is that Perón kept his part of the deal but the president did not. He did allow syndicates to resume activities, but the ban against him continued. And later on, his support for the Cuban Revolution really put the conservative military leaders against him. His constant desire to have the support of both sides made him lose all his allies. As far as I know, in a few weeks or maybe just days, the military is going to take charge once more.” she finished and sighed.

“I’m sorry,” said Napoleon. He could feel her distress.

“You need to leave, Solo, before things get dangerous. And nor the rebels or the military like people from your country,” she warned him.

 Carmen took some money from her purse and put it under the cup’s plate. She stood up and walked away. Napoleon followed her with his eyes until he saw her disappear.

 For the next few days, Napoleon tried hard to find things about her but he couldn’t. She told him that was her real name but he started to have doubts about it. But she was right about the nature of his mission: after their encounter, he talked to his boss and he admitted that he was there as a witness and to collect information about the political state of the country. She was right about the hate of people like him, the rich-looking Americans. He got his ass kicked by a group of anarchists -he could have protected himself, but he tried to keep the appearances up so showing his fighting abilities wasn’t the smart thing to do, he would have given himself up. 

 The coup d'état happened two weeks after their encounter, on March 28th. Napoleon was already back in America at that time. He was supposed to stay longer, but he made the mistake of taking a married woman to bed and his husband was a high ranked officer on the military who threatened to kill him if he didn’t get out of the country. Solo wasn’t the kind of agent that failed on his missions so this was a first for him, or at least that’s what he thought. Thanks to a folder he found among his work archives, that contained all the information about the previous government and the military group that was going to take charge, he was able to leave with his reputation intact and nobody found out about his mistake.

Now he was safe back at his house, resting before his next mission was assigned, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her, Carmen: Was she safe? Would he ever see her again? He thought that was improbable, but he wished he could see her at least one more time; he needed the change to thank her for the folder.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the success of the first mission of his new team U.N.C.L.E, Napoleon decided to take a much-deserved break. He went to Saint-Tropez hoping to meet some beautiful women, have some drinks, party and relax.

The sun was shining bright. Solo grabbed two cold drinks and walked towards a woman who was laying on the beach all by herself.

“I hope you put on sunscreen lotion, don’t want to burn that beautiful skin of yours,” he said with a smooth voice while looking at the sun. “Drin…” he turned to look at her, offering the glass on his hand when he abruptly stopped, surprised by what his eyes were seeing.

It was her.

“Carmen.” he said, almost whispering.

“Hello, Napoleon. It’s nice to see you again.” she greeted him and accepted the drink he brought her.

“Are you still following me?” he asked, smiling and raising an eyebrow.

“Ha! You wished” she replied laughing, amused.

Napoleon joined her laugh and sat next to her. They shared a moment of silence, enjoying the view and the noises provided by the water dancing around and some birds singing. 

“I’m glad to see that you’re ok,” he said, breaking the silence.

“Me too. I’m glad to see that you’re still in one piece, American” Carmen added and made him laugh.

“How’s everything in your country? I’ve heard that you got a new president...Arturo something.”

“Illia. Yes. Humble and trustworthy guy. Most people like him, the military not so much; he’s too liberal for their taste.” she explained. There was a bit of bitterness on her voice.

“You think there’s going to be another coup d'état?” he asked, worried.

She was looking at the sun. She nodded and sighed.

“That’s why I left. I didn’t work for the government. I belonged to a group of men and women who worked from the shadows trying to help the country. We didn’t follow any particular political view, we just wanted to create a country with freedom of speech, with equal rights for everyone and where no one had to be afraid, but that’s hard to achieve. One of our men died and everyone got scared. Most of the members of our secret society fled to other countries, seeking asylum before their families got hurt. Me, I wanted to keep going, but I couldn’t do that alone, so I moved to the States and joined a group of strong women who are fighting for equality. I think there I could be really helpful.” she finished.

They looked at each other for a moment. Napoleon smiled at her and they remained in silence, enjoying the beautiful view. 

 After about twenty minutes of silence, the handsome man spoke once more.

“I never got the chance to thank you for helping me; you truly saved me.”

“You’re welcome. I hope that taught you a lesson about the downside of being a womanizer.

“ she said and he shrugged. Carmen rolled her eyes as she smiled.

“Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” Napoleon asked suddenly.

“You’re not getting into my pants, mister? she replied.

“What about your heart?” he prompted, smirking. She couldn’t help herself but smile. No one can resist his charm.

[noladyme]

The Crown Princess of Charming - part 14

Welcome to Charming - its name says it all. Cat needed a fresh start; and though she hadn’t planned on that being in the arms of the crown prince of this little town’s bikerclub - that was what happened. Charming CA would either be the death of her - or a whole new life.

Rated M

Tags (let me know if you want on the list) @wonderlandfandomkingdom​ @edonaspanca​

14

Happy finally went to get some sleep. Jax had forgotten one of Abel’s teddy-bears; and I saw the big guy sneak it with him into the bedroom.

The day passed quietly. I spent most of it curled up on the couch; or pacing back and forth. Honestly, I was surprised I hadn’t made indentations on the floor, from where I walked. Jax was late, and I was worried. Around 3 pm he still hadn’t checked in.

I felt like I constantly had a set of eyes on me. You could say a lot about Happy; but he didn’t follow me to the bathroom, when I went. I literally had to stomp Tig on his foot; to keep him from holding the door open. Once I’d washed my hands; I stormed into the main room; and looked Clay hard in the eyes. “I’m not running, Clay. Stop riding my ass!”. He chuckled. “I only ride one ass. She’d cut off my balls if I took a trip anywhere else”.

I sighed. “Just… lay off me”, I said. “I’m in just as deep as you at this point”. The president stuck out his massive chin at me; and narrowed his eyes. “Why are you still here? Why didn’t you run when you could?”. I grinned at him sarcastically. “When do you mean? After I was drugged? Beat up? Almost raped?”, I scoffed. “Because I love Jax. And I’m the stepmother of your grandson”. Clay seemed taken aback. “Fair enough…”, he said. “Ok. We’ll let you powder your nose in peace from now on”.

I scoffed; and went outside for a smoke. I knew no one would have a problem with me smoking inside – the amount of cigars Clay went through attested to that – but I needed some peace. Bobby followed me. “Really, Bobby?”, I sneered. “You shouldn’t be alone right now”, he said. “I know you don’t see it yourself; but you’re limiting on an anxiety-attack”. “I’m fine…”, I whispered; and tried to light my cigarette. My hands where shaking too much, and Bobby put me out of my misery, by lighting it for me. “Thanks… sorry”. “We all know you’re on our side, sweetheart”, Bobby muttered. “Then why are you treating me like a prisoner?”. “That’s just Clay… being Clay. He’s a hardass”. He lit a joint for himself. “I hear you’re getting married…”.

I smiled for a second. “Yeah… we are”. “When?”, Bobby asked; taking a hit from the blunt. “After… all this is over”, I said. “And after Opie and Lyla. I don’t want to steal their thunder”. Bobby looked at me questioningly. “You’re very… nice”. “Thanks?”, I said with a chuckle. “I just mean, you think about others a lot. Want them to be happy…”.

I shrugged. “Good people deserve good things… right?”. Bobby smiled. “We’re the good guys?”. “I think so… you’ve all been kinder to me than anyone I’ve ever met before”, I said. “What about your family back home? Friends?”. I shook my head. “My so-called friends all seemed to disappear once Kohn came in to my life… And I have no family to speak of”. I took a draw from my smoke. “Except all of you…”. Bobby put an arm around me. “Well… I’m too old to be your brother; but I’ll be your fat, jolly uncle. How about that”. “That works”, I grinned.

A rumbling of engines sounded; and Opie, Juice, Chibs and Jax came up the gravel road – followed by Mike and Quinn; in the van I’d arrived in myself. Jax got of his bike. “Why is it every time I turn my back, one of my brothers has his hands all over my old lady?”, he grinned. He walked up to us; and pulled me into his arms – instantly making me feel safe. “Hey, darlin’. They treating you good?”. “I was just having a smoke with my fat, jolly uncle”, I smiled. Jax furrowed his brows; then shook his head, and kissed my lips. “Let’s go inside. We have some things to talk about”.

---

Moments later we were all gathered in the cabin. Mike and Quinn took the couch; leaving Samcro and me to sit at the table. Jax was seated beside me; not having let go of my hand for a second since we were reunited.

Juice and Bobby had played rock-paper-scissors to figure out who would wake up Happy. The younger biker had lost; and held a bag of frozen peas to his chin – from where Happy had punched him.

Clay struck the gavel; to let it be known church was in session. “I just want to start this meeting, by thanking our visiting friends from the Nomads and Chicago, for being here with us today”. “You know I’ll always have Redwood’s back”, Quinn said. “I’m here for miss Rose”, Mike smiled. “And… Samcro”, he added with a playful smirk. Clay nodded. “Your loyalty to us won’t be forgotten… and we’ll need it”. He looked towards Jax.

“You all know the shit that’s been going on with Cat, and that sack of shit who took her…”. “You killed that asshole”, Piney said. “It was beautiful”, Chibs growled. Jax clenched his jaw. “Yeah… well now I have murder charges pending”, he said. “Stahl is going to use those charges to pull a RICO on the club. Everything we’ve been doing… They can bring us all down. Kill Samcro; and in the exhaust of that, The Sons of Anarchy all over the states”.

There was a murmur of anger in the room. “All of us?”, Mike said. “Yeah”, Clay said. “We can stop that…”, Jax said “I had a meeting with the state prosecutor”. He looked out the corner of his eyes at me. “They’re willing to kill Stahl’s case – if we hand them Nichols”. “Kill the drugs?”, Tig asked. “We voted that in just a minute ago…”. “I know!”, Jax said. “But either we kill the drugs, or we kill the club”.

Clay cleared his throat. “The Mayans are willing to return to our old agreement, if we get rid of our white power business”, he said. “It’s less money… but the way those assholes forced our hand – made us their bitches… They need to go”. Jax sent me a look, and a smile ghosted his face. Reputation over money.

“Is handing them Nichols going to be enough?”, Bobby asked. Jax shook his head. “No… the prosecutor needs something more in return”, he said. “I need to go away on drug-charges; so they have something to override Stahls case against me. Her evidence is weak enough as it is. They promise make the murder-charges disappear”. “Just you, though? Man, you won’t survive alone on the inside…”, Juice said. Clay raised his brow. “That’s the part you all won’t like… tell ‘em, son”.

Jax sighed. “As a show of good will, the prosecutor wants three sons – on top of me – to go away. I negotiated her down from the whole charter – to keep the table alive”. He paused for a second. “We get 3 years for possession… out in one, on good behavior”. I sawllowed hard. One year - it would feel like 100. Jax squeezed my hand under the table. “Shit…”, Tig snarled. “Clay stays outside… Chibs as well – we don’t want his sorry ass deported back to Scotland”, Jackson said. “And Piney can’t go – sorry man, you’re too old to have our backs”. “No complaints from me”, the old man chuckled. “We’ll give Phil his patch while you’re away… his year is up; and he took one for the club with that gunshot to his gut”, Clay said. The men all muttered in agreement.

There was a quiet suspense. Opie, Juice, Happy, Bobby and Tig all looked at each other. “Look, I’m not telling you who goes inside… it has to be voluntarily”, Jackson muttered. “I’ll go… It’s my turn”, Happy said. “And me… It’s one year”, Juice muttered. Tig frowned. “Shit…”, he said. “I got out of it last time. I’m in”. Bobby grimaced. “Now I feel like an asshole…”. Clay shook his head. “Bob; you and Opie have underage kids… Just let your brothers take this one”. Happy patted Bobby’s shoulder. “It’s good, man”.

“And Cat?”, Chibs said. Through the whole conversation, I’d been quiet – trying my best to keep calm, as they discussed which of my new family members would go to jail, with the man I loved. “What about her case?” Jax looked at me. “Stahl wants you in for questioning. She’s planning to use the recordings from your phone, to make you flip on me”. “But I won’t”, I said. He sighed. “We’re gonna let her think she can get us both at once. Me as a murderer and drug mule – which will bolster her case – and you as a witness”, he said. “In stead, I hand the drugs to the prosecutor… but I need your help”. “What do you want me to do?”, I asked.

Jackson turned to face me; taking both my hands in his. “You’re going to lead Stahl of my track; while I deliver Nichols to the prosecutor”, he said. “I’ve had agents following me around ever since I left you in the house; to go deal with the Mayan situation”. Opie nodded. “We had to turn back three times to get here… it’s why we were late”. “I’m gonna meet up with Nichols in one of our warehouses; where I’ll tell him we’ll be storing the drugs”, Jax said. “It’s already set up for the day after tomorrow… but if I have agents tailing me; he’s gonna make a run for it”.

Clay leant back in his chair, and lit his cigar. “What’s the plan, VP?”. Jax smirked – his facial expression sending warm tingles through my body. I told myself to focus. “We’re gonna do a bate-and-switch”, he said. “Stahl knows you’re too important to me, to just leave you behind. When I go to meet Nichols; she’s going to think we’re making a run for it”. “How so?”, I asked. “We’re gonna tell her”, he said. “The bug in your phone. We’re going to get her riled up; and have her send her agents after us”. “So we just… talk about running away?”, I asked.

Jax nodded. “Yeah. Three drivers; one passenger. Stahl will follow us to the warehouse; where we’ll pick up a dummy bag, that’ll look like drugs – and you ride away with Tig; who’ll be waiting in the building for us. We’ll make it seem like you’re still with me. I’ll disappear somehow; until Nichols shows up… you’ll be leading the agents away”. “That’s… some action movie shit”, Opie said. “How can you be sure she won’t know, you’re not the one continuing on with Cat?”.

Jax looked at the blue flannel I was still wearing. He grinned. “I wouldn’t let anyone else ride around with my girl normally. My old lady is going to be a bright, blue flag for them to chase”, he said. “The rest of us will be wearing hoodies and masks”. “And pants, right?”, Tig said. “Man, you think I’m gonna let you ride with my old lady, without your pants on?”. Tig’s face faded into a sulk.

“We’ll nail down two more locations after the warehouse. Cat stays on my bike with Tig; then jumps on with Juice; and lastly Happy”, Jax explained. “At each stop the driver with Cat creates some kind of chaos, for her to jump on to the next one. You spread out, and continue on. In the end, they won’t know which driver to chase. They’ll be too distracted; and use too many ressources to chase you - giving me a chance to focus on the deal with Nichols. Quinn; you and the Nomads will be in the warehouse as well; having my back”. Quinn nodded. “Of course, brother”.

Chibs sighed. “What do you need the rest of us to do?”, he said. “Be pissed… make it seem like Cat and I stole from the club, and are really running”, Jax said. “Happy and Juice were in on the plan – and we were all going north to sell the drugs… I was afraid of getting charged with murder; and asked my brothers to help me and Cat get away”. He lit a cigarette. “Clay; you Bobby, Chibs and Opie end the chase; before the agents get to them”, Jax said. “Cat hands over the bag to Clay…”. “Why?”, Bobby asked. Jax smiled. “Because once the agents realize it’s a dummy, they’ll know for sure you had your hands out of the drugs all together”. Clay nodded. “That way, club business will stay under the radar from the ATF. It’ll be like Jax planned it all on his own… which he did”. He sent his stepson a look. “He takes the fall. Samcro is kept out of it”.

“It’ll give us a bit of breathing room to rebuild our relationship with the Mayans”, Bobby muttered. Jax’s jaw clenched for a second. Muling for the Mayans still made him uncomfortable.

I swallowed hard. “What happens then?”, I said quietly. “After I give Clay the bag…”. He chewed his lip for a second. “You get caught…”. “What?”, I cried out. “Yeah. You give Stahl what she wants, saying you’ll testify in a trial against me. Lowen will write up a document for her to sign; stating she won’t charge you in return for your cooperation. She won’t be able to send you away for anything”. “You want me to snitch?”, I gasped. Jax shook his head. “I’ll already be in the state prosecutor’s custody. There won’t be a trial; so it won’t matter. Tig, Juice and Happy will be joining me, once you’re all back in Charming”.

Juice raised his hand carefully. “You think she’s just gonna let Cat go?”. “She’ll work fast to get you out of town; into protective custody. Cops will stop you at the county border. She’ll have to hand you over to them. Her case will be dead”.

There was a low murmur of chuckling and cursing around the room. “This is crazy, brother… you think we can pull it off?”, Juice. “I know we can… Look, I trust you all with my life. And I trust you with Cats life”. He squeezed my hands.

“You really have it in for this Stahl woman”, Quinn said. “She set Jax up…”, I muttered. All eyes where on me. “She used Kohn’s sick obsession with me… knew he’d go after me; and made sure Jax would try to get me back at any cost. Even murder”. Mike frowned. “Bitch… you’re telling me that fed-asshole kidnapped you; and she knew about it?”. I shrugged. “Can’t prove it… but yeah”, I said. “Before that, she put Kohn in contact with some Nords, who he paid to drug and beat me… she knew what would happen”. Rage ghosted Jax’s face. “We took care of it… she’s the last piece of the puzzle”.

“She’s mine”, Opie said. Everyone in the room looked at him. “You’re not the only one here, that has a score to settle”. Donna, I thought. “Unser…”, Clay muttered. “He’ll be the one to pick up Cat. We only need one cop in a police-car to pull her over”. Jax nodded. “It’s his time… he’s been a good friend to the club; but it’s time to retire”. He looked at Opie. “He’ll look the other way, while you get retaliation for your family”. Piney patted his sons back. “It’s time, boy”.

Clay cleared his throat. “Mike… can you have Chicago hold down the fort in Charming, while we pull this off?”. Mike nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “We got your back. You thinking lockdown?”. Clay nodded. “Just in case white power decides to make a show of force”. “It’s good, man”, Mike said. “But I wanna be there when Opie takes down that agent bitch. She almost had my kid’s favorite teacher killed”. I sent the bearded guy a smile. He winked at me.

Clay sat up straight; looking around the table. “This is a big pill to swallow… for all of us. Take a few hours; think it over. Then we’ll vote”. Chibs shook his head. “I don’t need to think. We do this… for our club; our brother – and our little sister”. He sent me a crooked smile. I blushed. “Ok”, Clay said. “All in favor of going through with Jax’s plan, say aye”. There was a resounding aye from all the men in the room. “All opposed?”. Quiet. “All right”, Clay said, and was about to pound the gavel.

“Wait”, Jax said. “Cat, we can’t do this without you. We need to hear you say it…”. I looked around the table. Every man in the room had just agreed to exact vengeance for what I had been through – some of them would even go to jail for it. Yes; they were also trying to protect their club – their brotherhood – but they had vowed to make sure Stahl could never touch me again. “I’m in”, I said. Jax put his forehead to mine. “Thank you”, he whispered.

“Then we’re good to go”, Clay said. “The day after tomorrow. Clubhouse, at 8 am… Let’s do this”. He struck the gavel; and church was over.

---

Jax and the rest of the club spent the evening planning out logistics surrounding switch-points. To be taken in on possession; the men going to jail had to have some kind of drug on them. I was hauling the dummy backpack. “I got it”, Opie muttered; and went to plant the bag at the warehouse – before going home to Lyla. Piney, Mike and Quinn followed him; to set up the clubhouse for another lockdown.

Tig called a Mayan rep; and managed to talk them in to giving the club half a kg. of heroin to be split between him, Happy, Juice and Jax. They’d be carrying it on their bodies; and get taken in for possession that way. They left soon after his call ended.

Clay left with Bobby, Quinn and Mike – leaving me and Jax alone in the cabin. “Are you ok?”, Jackson muttered; as I was packing up my things. “No”, I whispered. “You’re going to prison for me…”. He was sitting in the recliner in the bedroom. I zipped up my bag. “One year, Cat”, he said. “I’ll be back”. “Why is this so easy for you?”, I asked. “It’s not… I don’t want to leave you… Abel…”. He sighed. “If Stahl manages to pull of RICO… that’s hard time, babe. I won’t see my son – or you – before he’s a grown man… if ever”.

I grimaced. “I’m sorry…”, I muttered. “I’m sorry I came into your life and messed everything up”. Jax stood up; and rushed over to pull me into his arms. “You did nothing wrong, Cat”, he said. “If I hadn’t come… hadn’t given Stahl what she needed to get to you – you wouldn’t be here… you’d be living your life, raising Abel… you could have any of those women hanging around the clubhouse. I’ve been more trouble than good for you”. “Yeah”, Jax said. “I’d spend my days muling guns and drugs; and my nights getting my dick sucked by girls; whose names I’d be too wasted to remember the next day”. He sighed. “And I’d be hating myself… every second of it”. “You shouldn’t”, I muttered. “You’re a good man”. “That’s what you say… And you being who you are – that means something to me”. He put his hands on either side of my face; and looked deeply into my eyes. “I’m starting to believe I can make a difference in my club… be a good father. Because you believe in me”.

“I love you, Jackson”, I said quietly. “I love you”, he smiled. “When I get back outside; I’m gonna marry you”. I grinned. “After Opie and Lyla get hitched. Let’s give them that”. He bit his lip. “Ok… we’ll steal their officiant; and you can grab a centerpiece for a bouquet”. I laughed. “Not what I had planned”, I said.

He looked surprised. “You got plans already?”, he asked. “What; TM? Vows under a lift in the garage?”. “Your mom would kill us…”, I chuckled. “Nah… the clubhouse. Leave the prospects with the dishes”.

Jax grinned. “Deal”, he said; and kissed me deeply. “After that, let’s see if we can get you knocked up. We’ll make some beautiful babies”. My jaw dropped. “Wow… Ok; I hadn’t thought that far”. He frowned. “You don’t want more kids?”, he asked. “Yes! Of course I do…”. He narrowed his eyes. “Mine, right?”, he smirked. “No, Juice’s”, I leered. He sent me a menacing grin. “Told you not to joke about that”, he said. “Yes, sir”, I pouted playfully. He let out a deep exhale. “I should throw you down on this bed, and begin the babymaking right away… show you who the daddy is”. I grimaced. “See, now you’re bringing Tig into it again…”.

Jax laughed; and kissed me again. “Come on; finish up. We gotta get home”. He patted my bottom; and went in to the main room. I grabbed my bag, and followed him. “I still don’t understand why you want us to go home”, I said. “I thought you wanted me out of Stahls hands as long as possible”. He opened the door for me, so we could leave the cabin together. “We need to make everything seem as normal as possible”. He’d brought my new helmet and handed it for me to put on. “She doesn’t think I’m running?”. He grimaced. “Didn’t seem to catch on… She’s been asking Gary down at the coffeeshop about you. Which is good for us. Makes everything seem normal”. I shook my head. “So, where did I go for the last few days?”, I asked. He shrugged. “We’ll figure it out”.

We got on his bike, and began our ride home.

---

About 30 miles away form the cabin, we we’re suddenly followed closely by a dark car. Every turn we took; it was right behind us. Jax squeezed my hand gently; when he felt me tense up. I tried to relax; and held on to him a bit tighter.

The house was warm and quiet when we arrived. Our late-night ride through the forest and down the highway; had me feeling cold through and through – so it was a welcome surprise to see Gemma ready with a pot of coffee. Abel was in his crib; sleeping.

“Clay came home an hour ago”, Gemma said. “Explained the situation”. She looked at her son with sad eyes. “Baby… you really need to do this? What about the baby?”. Jax hugged his mother. “This is for him as well… I can’t go away for murder. And the club would die”. Gemma held on to him for a long time. “One year? That’s walking… maybe even his first words”. Jax frowned. “I know. But if I don’t… I might not see his first anything. Ever”. He sighed. “I need you, ma’. Cat needs you, for what’s coming”. Gemma looked towards me. “She’s got me. They both do”. She looked back at her boy again. “Shit… my son’s getting married”, she smiled. “Clay told you?”, Jax muttered. “You should have told me”, she chided. “It’s been a crazy, few days”, I said quietly.

Gemma waved me over; and dragged me in to her hug with Jax. She kissed both our faces. “I swear, Jackson… I will teach your old lady to cook!”. We all laughed. “Thank you”, Jax said; pulling himself out of her grasp. “Did you bring it?”. Gemma nodded. “It’s in my car. I’ll get it”.

Jax went to the window to look for possible agents staking out the house. “Ok, go. Leave it on the doorstep; and go home. I’ll call you tomorrow”. Gemma kissed his cheek; and left the house.

Jax went over, and took my hand. “You ready for this?”, he asked. I swallowed hard, and nodded. He let out a deep breath; and walked towards the door. “What was that thing, that guy Shakespeare said? All the worlds a stage…”. “And the men and women merely players”, I muttered, and tried to smile.

Jax opened the door; and picked up the bag containing the kitchen towel and my android. He handed the package to me. “Open it”, he whispered. I took a deep breath; and unwrapped my phone. We looked at each other intently.

“Cat, are you sure about this?”, Jax said. “Sure there’s nothing different about the phone?”. He raised a brow at me. I paused for a second; not sure what to say – before coming to my senses “No, baby. It’s fine…”, I said. I knew the conversation couldn’t end like that. “I need it… if Ray calls”. Jax nodded, and smiled. “The principal…”. “Yeah…”, I said. “You really thought it was bugged? Is that why you had Gemma take it?”. “It was probably nothing”, he smiled. “I just don’t want anyone to know what we’re planning… that would be bad”. I smirked. “I’m sorry I questioned you”, I playfully pouted. Jax looked at me in surprise. Good one!, he mouthed; before frowning in jest. “Just don’t let it happen again!”. “What, you’ll bend me over, and spank me?”, I grinned. Jax raised a brow at me. “That’s a promise, darlin’”, he grinned.

He walked into the living room, and I followed him; leaving the phone in the kitchen. “Did you have fun on your girl’s trip?”, he asked. “Sorry I couldn’t pick you up sooner. I had some preparations to make”. I thought about it. “It’s fine. We had fun…”. “Hmm…”, he muttered. He was writing something down on a pad. Lyla’s been shooting for 2 days. Out of sight. I looked at him and nodded. I was getting exhausted; trying to think of things to say; playful or not. Jax noticed my expression; and scribbled another few lines down. Relax. Doing good. Just any other night at the house. He smiled warmly at me.

I swallowed. “We talked about flower-arrangements for the wedding. She’s really excited”. Jax smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure she and Ope will have a perfect day… Too bad we’re missing it, huh?”. I chewed my lip. “Opie’s not in?”, I said.

Jax walked back into the kitchen; closer to the phone. “Nah, he wouldn’t understand…”. He sent me a look. Who, he mouthed. “Who’d you get?”, I said. Jackson smiled. “Juice. Talking to Happy tomorrow”. He put a finger to his mouth; mouthing Tig, to let me know not to mention him.

I heard Abel crying in the nursery; and ran down the hall to get to him – and away from the phone. I picked up the baby; and held him tight. Jackson had followed me into the room; and wrapped me and our boy in his arms. “You’re doing good, baby”, he whispered. “Just keep it up”. “It’s hard”, I answered. “I know…”. He looked down at Abel. He was quickly settling down from being held to my chest. “Shit…”.

He walked into the hallway. “Could you get the kid to shut up?”. I frowned. What are you doing, Jax? “Cat! He’s giving me a headache!”. Abel was letting out little squeaks; and yawning. I put him down in the crib; and followed Jax back to the kitchen. I shook my head at him. What? He frowned. “Have Neeta take him tomorrow”, Jax said. “Ok…”, I said. He sent me a painful look.

I finally understood. “What’s gonna happen to him when we leave?”, I said. Jax swallowed hard. I stroked his hair, and grabbed a beer from the fridge – handing it to him. “I dunno… I guess my mom will take him. Maybe Wendy will want him”. “We can’t bring him?”. He clenched his jaw. “What, on the bike?”, he snarled. “He’ll be fine… I don’t care”.

I went over to where he was sitting – taking his hand. “Ok”, I said; and kissed his knuckles. He took a swig of the beer; and stood up. “I gotta take a piss…”. He stormed down the hall. I followed him back into the nursery; and closed the door behind us.

Jackson was cradling his son in his arms, on the couch. I sat down next to him. “That sucked…”, he frowned. I stroked his cheek. He had tears in his eyes. “I know, baby…”, I whispered. “We know it’s an act…”. “Yeah, but saying the words…”. I kissed his forehead. “Abel knows you love him”. Jax looked at me, and smiled slightly. “He’s my little man, you know?”. I nodded. “Remember why we’re doing this. He’ll thank you some day”. Jax kissed Abel’s head; and went to put him back in the crib.

“It’s late”, I said. “We should get some sleep”. Jax nodded, and took my hand, leading me out of the room. “Do we need to bring it?”, I whispered; and nodded my head towards the kitchen. Jax shook his head. “Not tonight”, he answered. “I’m all acted out”.

We closed the bedroom door behind us, and turned on the baby-monitor. After undressing; we curled up on the bed. Jax wrapped his body around me; holding me close.

“I love you”, he whispered into my ear; his warm breath sending delightful shivers down my spine. “You trying to get some, Teller?”, I smiled. “Always”, he grinned; and pulled me closer. “But honestly; I think the little biker is tuckered out from all the driving I’ve been doing the last few days”. I chuckled. “Sure it’s not all the girls sucking your dick, whose name you’re too wasted to remember?” “Nah, babe. I’m all done with that”, he said. “Besides; you give the best blowjobs I’ve ever had”. I smiled at him. “That’s sweet”, I said. I sighed. “A year…That’s still a long time”. “You could get a vibrator”, Jackson smiled. “What? Wrap it in your cut; and have it lying next to me in bed?” He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know whether the thought of that makes me horny or uncomfortable”.

I felt his penis stir against my thigh. “I think the little biker just answered that question for you…”, I said. He looked down. “You know, I think you’re right”, he chuckled. He rolled over to lay on top of me. “But let’s not call him little again… that was a poor choice of words”. He grinded against my warmth. “I agree”, I smirked.

Jax put his lips to mine; and we spent the next good while tending to both the bikers, and their old lady’s needs.

---

I woke up naked in Jacksons arms. His hand was holding on to my breast; and he was muttering in his sleep – smiling. For a second, I forgot all about the last few days; and what we had coming up. My stomach was rumbling.

“Jax”, I whispered; stroking his hair to wake him up. “You promised me pancakes”. “What?”, he mumbled. “In return for that thing I did… Baby… wake up”. He blinked his beautiful eyes for a few seconds. “Shit… I did. Didn’t I”. I nodded. “I’m hungry…”.

Jackson stretched; and gave my breast a final squeeze, before sitting up. “You make the coffee”, he smiled. He put on some boxers; and went to check on Abel. I pulled on my robe; and walked into the kitchen. My phone was still laying on the table; and all joy left my body.

Jax came up behind me. “He’s still asleep”, he smiled. I looked at him; then gestured to the phone. “He’ll sleep through anything”, I muttered. Jax’s face dropped, just as mine had. The stage was once again set.

“You just about packed up? We leave tomorrow morning”, he said coldly. I closed my eyes, and sighed. “Yeah, just gotta wrap up a few things”. “Good”.

I put on a pot of coffee. “Pancakes?”, Jax muttered; trying for a slight smile. “Not hungry…”, I said. “You gotta eat, babe”, he said. I shook my head. “Can we go out? Once Neeta picks up the kid?”. “No. I gotta finish up at TM”.

I went to the fridge, and grabbed a cup of yogurt; then a spoon. “Ok. I’ll… hang out. See Lyla, maybe”. Jax shook his head. “Lay low. We can’t let anything slip”. He sat down, and pulled me down on his lap. “Look, we’ll talk later, ok? I’ll let you know what the plan is”. I opened the cup, and put a spoonful in my mouth. “I understand”, I said quietly. Jax stroked my cheek; and smiled. “Give me a taste of that”, he said; and grabbed the spoon from me; taking a large mouthful of my yogurt. “You want your own?”, I smirked. “Nah, I’ll eat yours”, he grinned; and took another mouthful. “Hey!”, I laughed. He licked his lips, but missed a smidge of the yogurt on the side of his mouth. “You got something right… there”. I licked it away, and smiled.

Jax kissed my lips gently. “We’ll be ok, baby”. “Yeah”, I breathed.

---

Jax had to leave the house a few hours later, to figure out the last details of the plan. We made it seem like he was meeting up with Juice and Happy; which in reality he was. Tig would just be with them as well.

Neeta would be handing the baby over to Gemma later on; so before he left; Jackson disappeared into the nursery with Abel for a good hour. I decided to give him space to say goodbye; merely dropping in to hand Jax a bottle.

He was sitting in the recliner, cradling his son – tears in his eyes. “Hey…”, I whispered. “I got his bottle”. “Thanks”, Jax muttered; blinking away a tear. I smiled; and left my boys to it. Behind me I heard Jax whispering to the baby. “Momma Cat’s gonna take care of you, son. We both love you so much…”. Once I’d closed the door behind me; I had to take a minute to collect myself in the bedroom

After Jax left, Abel kept me busy. I could pretend to play house when I had him with me. I bathed him; fed him – and sang him old classic rock songs. The chance that our plan might fail, made me very aware that I might never see him again; so I kissed his precious face every chance I got. Neeta picked up the baby at noon; and I was alone in the house.

Act normal, I kept telling myself. I began doing laundry. Dishes. I washed the kitchen floor. Anything I could do to keep myself occupied. My android rang around 7 pm. I was unsure whether to pick it up or not; but when I recognized the number; I decided to answer the call.

“Agent Stahl…”. “Did you save my number?... That’s a compliment!”. I sighed. “What do you want?”, I sneered. “You’ve been out of town for a few days, it seems…”. Yeah, you haven’t been able to hear me through my phone, bitch. “Girls trip. My friend’s getting married”. “Lyla Dvorak?”, Stahl said. “How’d you know?”. How many conversations have you been listening to? “Small town…”, she said. “Look, I have some questions for you, on some evidence I’ve just received… so I’m going to have to ask you, not to leave town for the next few days”.

Jax came through the door with Happy and Juice. I gestured for them to keep quiet.

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere”, I said into the phone. “Really…”, Stahl said. “Ok… tomorrow morning good for you?”. I looked at Jax. “I have plans tomorrow morning”, I said. “I expected as much… When can we talk, then?”. “Just give up, agent. You got shit on me or Jackson”. “Oh, but I do… I’ll catch up with you sometime tomorrow; don’t worry. See you then!”. She hung up. I threw the phone on the counter.

Jax narrowed his eyes at me; and closed the front door with a slam. “Hey babe!”, he said. “Who was on the phone?” “Stahl”. I chewed my lip. “She’s on to us”. I sent him a slight smile. He returned the gesture; and came over to kiss my cheek. “Shit”, he smirked. “That’s bad”. “You sure that phone’s not bugged?”, Happy said; stifling a smile himself. Juice stepped closer to my android. “It shouldn’t be!”, he said loudly. “I sure checked it!”

Jax smacked his brother’s head; and put his finger to his lips. Act normal!, he mouthed. Juice mouthed a sorry in return.

“Don’t worry about that now. Clay might be on to us”, Jackson said. “We need to go over the plan. Sit down… Cat, get us some beers”. “Ok, baby”, I tweeted; acting every bit the obedient old lady. I opened three beers, and put them on the table. Jax grabbed a piece of paper from his pocket, and scribbled down some words. Plan is set. Tig is up to speed. Just listen, and agree. I nodded. “You guys want dinner?”, I smiled. “What… You’re cooking?”, Happy said. “No thanks”. I sent him a putrid glare. He grinned at me.

“I called my mom. She’s taking the kid tonight… and forever after that. She just doesn’t know yet”. “Good”, Happy said. “We can get out clean”. “Yes!”, Juice said loudly. Jax rolled his eyes at him. “Cat, go fix yourself up. You look a mess”. My jaw dropped. Jax scribbled quickly. Sorry. Just pretend to leave. “Let the men talk”. “Ok, Jax”, I said – sending him a deathly stare. I walked to the doorway; leaning against the wall to hear what he had to say.

“She gone?”, he said, looking at me. “Yeah”, Happy muttered. “Good”, Jax said. “I love her, but she talks too much… You both clear on the plan?”. “Yup”, Juice said – having finally caught on to the fact that he didn’t have to yell. “Tomorrow morning. We leave TM together”. “Who’s your girl riding with?”, Happy said. “Who do you think, asshole?”, Jax answered. “Bitch rides with me”. I furrowed my brow; and walked into the living room; knocking over a squeaky toy, to get his attention.

I stomped down the hallway. “I gotta check on something”, I heard Jax say; and he followed me into the bedroom – closing the door.

“What the hell, Jax?”, I snarled. “Why are you talking about me like that?”. He took my hand. “I’m sorry”, he whispered earnestly. “I have to give her something she can use, to try to convince you to flip on me”. I shook my head. “I hate this, so much”. He pulled me into his arms; and kissed my forehead. “Believe me; I feel no better about using those words, than how I felt yesterday; when I said those things about our boy… Just, please. Let’s finish this” I closed my eyes. “Ok… You owe me a shitload of orgasms, Jackson!”. He smiled softly. “I’ll deliver. I swear”. I kissed him deeply; and then smacked him across the face. He looked flabbergasted. “I needed to do that”. “Y-yeah”, he muttered. “Can you kiss me again, so I know you’re not mad?”. I chuckled; and gave him a peck on the lips.

He went back into the kitchen; and I followed quietly behind – once again, standing in the doorway. Happy looked at me protectively. “All good?”, he muttered. “Yeah. Just needed to help her find her g-spot”, Jax leered. “For a teacher, she’s not too bright”. I smirked menacingly at him.

“So, we go to the warehouse; pick up the drugs – and haul ass north”, he continued. “I got a buyer set up. We’ll get a good 500 grand. Evenly split, three ways”. “Sounds good”, Juice said. “What was that about Clay?”, Happy asked. “We’ve been going head to head about all sorts of shit. He overheard me talk to my old lady, I think”. “Shit”, Juice said. “What about the drugs?”. “He doesn’t know I’ve already made negotiations. He want’s us far away from heroin”. He sent me a meaningful look. Right. Clay wants nothing to do with drugs. “We should have won that vote”, Juice said. “Yeah, well… we’re on our own”, Jax responded. Keep the club out of it.

“Meet up at the clubhouse; move out – never look back”, Happy said. “That’s right”, Jax said. He made a gesture for the conversation to wrap up. The others didn’t seem to know what to say. I rolled my eyes. “Jax… Baby?... I lost it again”, I said playfully. All three men looked at me with wide eyes. Jackson bit his hand to stop from laughing. “Right boys. Get out”, he said. “I’m laying pipe”.

Happy and Juice left the house quietly; both still still staring at me in wonder all the way out the door.

Jax walked over to me; and we held each other for a moment. I was painfully aware that this would be our last night together for a good while. And I planned to make the most of it.

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

okay. this is a post about a new character, who is a person in the same 'verse as the main one for Robert and Isabelle, sci-fi and spaceships. she is a pastor in the one specific "limits on technology" religion I made up, but also, she is very cool. she does not live on their main terraformed colony, she lives in another colony with some definite cultural differences.

I am mostly posting this for my own future reference. there are definitely people who will enjoy Gwendolyn a lot, even with the extensive trigger tag situation here, but I think "a short story that has space for more nuance" would be a better venue for her than "my thoughts from Skype at 4AM"

if you do decide to read this, check the tags first, please

shoutout to @anonymus-maximus-er for being my thought partner on this.

but as I understand it now, there are, like , degrees of Intensity in Church Of Man

like, even their chillest followers are kind of intense about it because it's hard to be real, real chill about "god said we were only allowed to use these specific fifteen technologies" or whatever the exact rules are

but as far as incubators go, Aimee's community, the one you saw, would definitely have been like "well, too bad God wants that baby to die" and there are some other communities which would be more like "okay, probably make sure your baby does not die, do what you've gotta do there, but don't come back and talk to us afterwards"

and also for sure there are communities like "do literally whatever you have to do to make sure your baby does not die, we will be here with whole-made casseroles when you're home again"

and like, could some of those kids have benefitted from subsequent quality-of-life stuff they didn't get? probably, yes

to varying degrees

but hopefully Aimee finds a nice community where she can be like "this is so important to me but my babies and I experienced a bunch of technology in order to not die and we got excommunicated."

and they're like "wow that sounds like a lot of Not Your Fault would you like some whole-made casseroles and toddler clothes?"

and she's like "I got excommunicated" and they're like "did you know, perhaps you didn't, that there is no Central Authority for every Church Of Man church in the galaxy? there for sure is not! the people from New Maryland often pretend they are, but we didn't vote for them! your old pastor is just not at all the boss of us, is the thing"

that is the future epilogue I want for Aimee

I feel like the Tau Ceti Church of Man community is small and some people think they're weird, but they're nice neighbors. their pastor is a woman named Gwendolyn or something who is just constantly mad about Richard Brinton That Fucking Asshole

she has never called him any of those words because of decorum, she has just spent a lot of time talking to new people like "wow you seem very traumatized did you know he is not the boss of us?"

"we don't have a pope!"

"we've tried to have a council a few times, but it's logistically complicated"

"every church is supposed to make its own rules in accordance with the texts"

"yes, I have read every single one of his missives to the world, I know which bits of the Texts you probably have memorized, here are some bits I like a lot"

Gwendolyn has some opinions

like, churches are supposed to set their own rules about "necessary" technologies and she has quietly labeled almost all life-saving medical technology "necessary"

meanwhile, Brinton thinks it's necessary for him to have access to telecommunications equipment to he can send his editorials all over the galaxy, so people can be Educated

huh

of course, he does not actually physically touch the telecommunications equipment, he keeps like four people who know how to use it around so they can spread his word, but also, huh

the thing about Gwendolyn is that she has spent a long time watching traumatized New Marylanders join her community, many of them quite young and quite traumatized

also, she was never a New Marylander, she is fourth-generation Tau Ceti, which, crucially

means that her first set of principles is "Church Stuff, Misc" and her second set of principles, right there after the first is "you're not the boss of me"

even if somebody could point to actual scripture that said they were the boss of her, she would have some trouble with it, but some dude! who cannot point to anything at all! no justification whatsoever! nothing in the texts even a little bit! keeps trying to be the boss of her! and also keeps traumatizing all of the people in his community pretty badly! and making everyone else look like jerks!

"I'm more conservative than you, therefore, I am the boss of you"

NOPE

not for Gwendolyn

Gwendolyn votes in every local election and votes for her Senator, who she has met and quite likes. she occasionally goes to protests when the local government does some dipshit thing, but the Tau Ceti local government is pretty well-behaved because if it's not the citizenry will absolutely be like "fuck you, you're not the boss of me" at its government

she has some Very Big Opinions about debtor employment. she's not thrilled about the like, severity of the gang situation in her city, but she doesn't have a lot of optimism that the Government is gonna fix it, so she does community groups instead

also, in recognition of the fact that she can't just throw these traumatized New Marylanders right off into the personal autonomy deep end she is like "okay, if you need someone to tell you what to do sometimes, I will be the temporary boss of you until you are ready to be the boss of you"

she does not Love that aspect of her job, but sometimes you gotta

you can't bring people from "obedience all the time" to "you must make every choice in your life with no backup" overnight, they'll just collapse in on themselves or become targets for worse people

so she does the thing

she and Brinton have a <very> passive aggressive correspondence going as church leaders

there are many many long letters back and forth

they are very polite and also, if any of them are preserved, historians will find them fascinating

"wow these people just fucking loathed each other"

Anonymus, 5:05 AM

your obedient servant, A. Burr

5:05 AM

if they did not live on separate planets, legitimately maybe

like, if she could get to Brinton's house on a horse to yell at him in person, she would have by now

she didn't swear a lot in real life, but sometimes she wanted to

she got real good at saying "that man" or "sugar" or "nonsense" in A Tone, but you could tell

I can't decide if she has a husband or a wife

Aimee's church definitely thinks gay people are Modern and therefore Wrong, but like

I feel like probably their specific religious texts don't even have that much on being nice to people? like, there's definitely a few pages on like "kindness is an ancient value, we hold fast to ancient values, these are them"

but it's like 70% Rules Minutiae

it's also not a super long book

so everybody has very different opinions about how to interpret the Rules Minutiae in light of the 30% of the book that's like "here are our actual values"

"modesty" and "fidelity" are both in the Ancient Values bits for sure

and I feel like different denominations went in different directions on the "modesty" and "fidelity" implications of "gay people"

no, I've decided, Gwendolyn definitely has a wife

show her in the actual rules where she can't have a wife

yes, fidelity, that thing she has with her wife

Anonymus, 5:13 AM

can the wife be a very proper rebbetzin?

organises all the casserole chains

5:14 AM

yes, she can definitely organize all of the casserole chains

5:18 AM

right

Gwendolyn's wife's name is Tara and she came from an Earth Church of Man community where they were like "technically it's not illegal for you to be gay, but, like, ehhhh? we'd rather you didn't and also you definitely cannot have children if you're gay"

5:20 AM

and she got to Tau Ceti and met Gwendolyn who even in college was like "show me in the texts where it says I cannot have a wife."

"show me."

Anonymus, 5:21 AM

sounds like excellent breeding ground for Very Textually and Theologically Conversant, but not actually a religious authority

5:21 AM

the thing is, Tau Ceti is Bad At Authority

if they had a motto on their coins it would just be "you're not the boss of me" but maybe in Latin

but maybe not even in Latin because people who know Latin often think they are the boss of you

Anonymus, 5:22 AM

WHO MADE U KING

5:22 AM

for real

I think there is a dude who is technically the "boss" of Gwendolyn and they take turns giving the sermons and calibrating which parishoners they support based on like, communication styles in a way that often ends up with just all of the women and queer folks being Gwendolyn's people

she is smarter than him, he handles all of the Local Politics things that require you not to go "EXCUSE me, where is the LAW ABOUT THAT"

Anonymus, 5:24 AM

different type of smart

5:24 AM

if he ever tried to pull rank on her, she would either be so startled that it would work or she would unhinge her jaw and eat him

so he's never tried

he doesn't want to! very few people on Tau Ceti even want to be in charge, both because it's like herding cats who will hate you if they catch you herding them and because the finely honed distrust of authority doesn't go away when you become authority

Anonymus, 5:26 AM

"I'm pretty sure I'm up to some bullshit"

5:27 AM

yeah, Gwendolyn spends a lot of time with these sad transplants from other communities, nearly all of them women (because for SOME REASON women tend to get excommunicated WAY MORE OFTEN. HUH. are there ADDITIONAL RULES for WOMEN? I DON'T SEE ANY)

and they're like "please I am so sad and scared just tell me what to do"

and she wants to be like "I am not the boss of you, you have to be the boss of you" but they often are not ready for that, so she just tries to get a sense of what they want to do or what might be healthiest for them and tells them her strong recommendation is that they do that thing

everyone in her community knows she is passionate and can get fired up about some of this stuff, she doesn't hide that, but also, there are some conversations she (a only has with her wife and also (b has had with her wife a number of times

they are basically "our community is like 55% traumatized exiles from other communities and like 30% traumatized people from This One Dude's Community specifically. he traumatizes women and girls and girls he calls women and gay people and parents with sick babies!"

"we have so so many people we take care of now who are so so shaken and traumatized and sad"

"and we only get the people who don't leave the faith entirely!"

"it's not fair! it's not fair that he gets to do that! it's not fair!"

because when you carry the faces of like twenty good people all traumatized by the same garbage person and all you can do is try to take care of them and send passive-aggressive letters, sometimes it sucks!

if they lived on the same planet and she could get there on a horse, she would have done something ill-advised by now. yelled, certainly

but then again, if she had been born on New Maryland she would be a super different person and if he had been born on Tau Ceti there would have been a hard upper limit on how much he could get anyone to listen to him

like, bad bullshit happens on Tau Ceti, but the first time he married a fourteen-year-old girl off to her rapist, his neighbors would have set him on fire

church of man neighbors, regular neighbors, possibly neighbors who are criminals, just all the neighbors

5:37 AM

so her wife listens to her cry and reads over her letters to Brinton to make sure she doesn't actually say anything Too Impolitic (I think her boss also reads them, but he's less invested)

and her wife has these new folks over for dinner and helps them find clothes for their kids and adapt their modesty rules to the thing where it's like, as hot as it is possible to be in Tau Ceti

5:38 AM

like, most of the summer it's like 120 degrees, on a brisk day in December it drops into like, the low nineties

5:39 AM

sometimes people from other communities are like "we do modesty more modestly than they do" and they have to be like "okay, your choices are us dressing this way or us using air conditioning, because people do die in real life of heatstroke sometimes, that is a thing that can kill you"

also, even before Gwendolyn came along, her previous pastor was definitely like "we're gonna make electric fans permissible. we're just... heatstroke sure does kill you in real life"

"particularly in Modest Dress"

she liked him. they had meetings like twice a month when she was young because she had A Lot of questions and her parents were less invested in the answers than she was

when she was like twelve, he was like "maybe they'll give you my job one day" and she was like "I don't want your job! you're the boss of people!" and he was like "they very much would not give you my job if you wanted my job, kiddo"

(even 50% of the organized crime leaders on Tau Ceti are like "hey, I'm not the boss of anybody, I'm just a guy you don't want to fuck with because of all of the friends that I have got"

"I am not the boss of you, but I do have this gun")

5:49 AM

final thought on Gwendolyn: she had a real hard time when Robert Thompson died, because that dude thought her faith was a good reason to murder a husband and father.

and like, that dude is a fucking asshole, obviously, but it's hard

and then Brinton puts out an editorial about it and it is the only time Gwendolyn and Tara's children ever hear one of their mothers swear

because she is usually super meticulous about that

but also, sometimes

there is a limit

she makes several attempts before she writes him her next letter and the subtext of the entire letter is just "fuck you SO much, I do not generally believe in Hell, however, I will make an exception"

there is a limit! a man is dead and his wife and daughter are grieving and then a dude who everyone thinks is, like, the pope of her puts out some bullshit like "of course we don't do hate crimes but also that dude who got murdered deserved it" bullshit

there is a limit she is past it!

5:53 AM

also, they have seven adopted kids

[writinginthesecrettrees]

I sometimes get political on here, so I don’t think I’m ruining the aesthetic of my blog if I take a minute to address recent events. Specifically, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and the protests and riots that are resulting from their murders.

I wish I could blame it on the asshole racist in the White House, but the truth is that this has been a problem in America pretty much since the country was started. Maybe Trump has emboldened racists, but racism has been an ugly stain on this country for years and it’s a disservice to pretend it’s only visible now because of Trump.

I can’t understand what it’s like to be black in America. I’m white, I’m middle class, I’ve always lived in safe neighborhoods. On the rare occasion that I get pulled over, I get a warning or a “fix it” and sent on my way. When the police come to my door, it’s because they’re investigating events in my neighborhood and they knock politely and wait for me to answer. If I don’t open the door, they go away. When I’m in fear for my life, the police are who I call for help, not the cause of it.

So I can’t speak to the experiences of black people, or any POCs in this country. I listen. I’ve read what my friends here have posted and reblogged and I’m shocked and horrified and sickened by the state of the world - by the fact that we’ve (and by “we” I’m talking about white people like me) let this sort of hate survive. 

I want to address another thing I’ve seen in recent responses. I want to address the white people who see people of color discussing the reality of their lives and the fear they experience interacting with police or civilians, not knowing if this is the interaction that will lead to arrest or death, and say “not all cops” or “not all white women” or “all lives matter.”

(And I know that people have addressed that last one, but here’s my thing: yeah, all lives matter, but we as a society don’t act like it so we need reminding that Black Lives Matter and pretending that the slogan means anything else is disingenuous and obnoxious and derailing.)

On that note: derailing.

I see black people talk about the horrible way Amy Cooper behaved (she’s the woman who called the police and said that there was a black man threatening her, which as we’ve seen ample evidence of recently was basically attempted murder), and talking about how white women have weaponized the police and how white women have been active participants in violent racism throughout history. And it’s true. But then some precious person has to jump in with “not all white women, white women are oppressed too” and I just have to roll my eyes.

Because that’s exactly the sort of derailing that happens every time women try to talk about being afraid in an elevator with a strange man, or walking down the street with a strange man behind them, or any of a hundred tiny interactions we have constantly. “But not all men,” some man will jump in to say. “I wouldn’t attack you.” And yeah, not all men, but we can’t really take that risk and also it’s annoying to have to stop your point and make sure you’re wording things absolutely pristinely so that the subsection of humanity that is responsible for a lot of your pain and fear and has been keeping you down for centuries doesn’t get their feelings hurt.

So to the people who are white like me, are middle class comfortable like me, have honestly a lot of privilege like me, I say shut the fuck up. This is not the time for us to be speaking anything other than support. This is not the time for us to demand assurances that “I’m one of the good ones, though.” This is not the time to be criticizing the response to systemic and centuries long racism and oppression.

This is the time to shut our mouths and listen. And sign petitions, and speak out to our representatives and vote for candidates all the way down to sheriff who will support civil rights and work against racism. Take action to help fix it, don’t mire the movement down over verbiage that might hurt your feelings. Because if the way it’s worded means you won’t support the people who are literally getting killed in the streets - in their own homes, over a mistaken address! - you’re part of the problem.

[biconicfinn]

id like to know, what are your takes on politician!Alec? if you want to talk about that

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK!!!!! POLITICIAN ALEC IS MY FUCKING JAM DJKABVHJKDBVKADVBFAV okay anon strap in because this will get crazy

holy shit this is long so i’m putting it under a read more!! 

okay so first of all: alec is someone who has been trained from a young age to be a politician, he would have been educated in diplomacy and politics, his parents were expecting him to become head of the new york institute and they have no qualms about living vicariously through their children and forcing their burdens on them as we have seen in the show.

he was probably taught clave law and the accords, a whole bunch of languages (polyglot power couple malec ftw) because i assume the NYI uses english as their lingua franca because of their location but since institutes also have to deal with local downworld and mundane populations it’s safe to assume that in other countries where english isn’t the main language, they go with the local languages and alec would need to communicate with these other institute heads, etiquette, some formal ballroom dances like the waltz, the art of negotiation, administrative stuff like resource allocation, budgeting, public speaking, the nitty gritty details of the clave workings, in addition to the knowledge of the different races of the shadow world, hand to hand combat, combat with a variety of weapons (he masters archery to utter perfection but he definitely is also incredibly proficient in close range combat as well).

sorry i just love alec and he is definitely more competent than most of the Alec StansTM (yall know what im saying) make him out to be

okay so!!!!! it’s pretty much canon that alec has spent a considerable amount of time as acting head of the NYI; what with maryse and robert always fucking off to idris to lick the boots of the clave and so he probably has a good relationship with the people under his command. he’s probably put protocols in place to reduce casualties and injuries, form patrol teams that are well-balanced so that they are versatile enough to take just about any threat that comes their way, etc.

of course, thanks to a little thing called the nephilim’s deep-rooted homophobia, a lot of the work alec put in probably got negated when he came out. it took a lot of courage for him to come out and to be openly gay. raj was an absolute asshole to alec for no reason and often questioned his leadership decisions post coming out, and even if not all the shadowhunters reacted like that, they did show some resistance(?) to alec’s leadership when he was appointed head and questioned him. it probably took a lot out of him because it’s one thing to have your people doubt you as a leader because of your actions or words; your decisions as a leader, it’s another thing for them to mistrust you entirely because of a fundamental part of your identity that you can’t change. you can build trust by publicly admitting and apologising for mistakes and putting in honest work to be better, but it’s impossible to build trust when the other person doesn’t even see you as human to begin with. 

this is turning into a hoti!alec ramble but i promise i will bring this back to politician!alec okay i promise i just need to establish the headcanons i’m building on first sorry 

okay back to business!!!! i feel like alec is so very genuine and honest outside of the political sphere alec “casual wedding vows” lightwood anyone? so when he does show his ability to be a complete fucking shark in the political arena a lot of people are blindsided because they expected him to be very honest and direct but he knows that as much as he’d like to be genuine, he needs that shrewdness to navigate the political minefield of idris. he prefers directness, but if you take the manipulative, indirect, route and underestimate him, he will not hesitate to turn your own methods against you.

he is also the type of leader who constantly tries to make an effort. his intentions were genuine with the downworld cabinet and i think that if it wasn’t set up in the middle of the shitstorm which was valentine’s re-emergence and the circle’s rise, it would have been more successful. he has a lot to learn and unlearn, and he (an utter perfectionist) will do as much as he can to help the downworld. i like to think that in a post s3 world, but before the time skip, he helps to re-establish the ties between the shadow world factions in new york and focuses on being the nephilim voice of the downworld to the clave, constantly trying to push for new accords and reformed policies, and he makes an effort to not speak over the downworlders, but instead be their representative and ally to the clave because the clave are racist bastards who wouldn’t listen to them but they have to listen to alec lightwood (”it’s lightwood-bane, actually”), one of the heroes who stepped up to defend alicante when the rift to edom opened. (and also because if they did try to slander or belittle him, they risk angering magnus, who has enough clout to embargo most warlocks from providing magical assistance to any local institutes, if he feels that the downworld is being ignored despite the fact that a warlock is the sole reason why alicante was’t razed to the ground, or that he and his husband are being targeted by the clave. because they are That Couple.) in conclusion alec is a good ally okay?

but as much as he tries/tried to do right by the clave, he sometimes also doesn’t give a fuck about them. he’ll be in meetings at idris, and maybe they’re discussing asinine, irrelevant, minor issues that are really just stupid excuses to showboat and compare family clout and whatnot and he’ll be pissed as fuck because instead of discussing actual relevant issues like irregularities/strange patterns in demon attacks, hunting down remaining circle sleeper cells, reparations for the downworld (like for the heavenly fire project), rewriting the accords, rebuilding idris, helping get the attacked institutes back up and running, you know, actual important issues that need attention but no, we’re discussing some petty family squabble that turned into a political feud that involves everyone and their fucking uncle. and he gets so damn angry he just blows up and rants at them and tears them a new one. he finishes his impressively long spiel with “you know what? fuck this. when you guys are done fighting like children and taking up precious time that we should be using to talk about real, pressing issues that affect the entire shadow world instead of five people at this table, let me know and i’ll be there but until then don’t bother. if you’ll excuse me, i’m going back to my husband. thank you. and for the last damn time, my name is alec lightwood-bane. i already changed my damn name legally so fucking use it.” and he just leaves to go back to new york because fuck the clave. 

he goes back home to the loft and it’s like the stress and anger just melts away because he walks in on magnus dancing around the kitchen as he cooks dinner, singing dancing queen at the top of his lungs, laughing when magnus twirls to see him leaning against the doorway of the kitchen with his heart eyes and blushes at being caught doing somethin so silly

he becomes a successful inquisitor by sheer force of will and determination. it’s not at all intentional, but it just happens. with the success of the cabinet and the measures he puts in place, he shares it with other institute heads and slowly more and more institutes are collaborating with the local downworld and most of the time, the statistics pay off in the long run. there are starting troubles as with any new initiatives, but soon enough there is a sizeable number of institutes following them successfully and it’s hard for the clave to ignore. alec gets invited to alicante to discuss the possibility of him becoming inquisitor just when the downworld deputy program is taking off in new york. (it all starts with simon asking “so are you guys nephilim or shadowhunters? what’s the difference? or is it interchangeable?” and then they realise that while nephilim is a term to describe half-angel half-human beings, shadowhunter is a term more commonly used by active duty demon hunters and drops out of use as a self-descriptor when the nephilim in question leaves combat. “so that means technically anyone in the shadow world whose job it is to fight demons is a shadowhunter? right?” and the lightbulbs light up in alec’s head immediately) oops time to get back to it the point. 

okay so!!!! the clave offer alec the position of inquisitor and it’s part recognition for his efforts and acknowledgement of his skills, part them wanting to keep him under their control. how does that work? well it’s simple. if alec is inquisitor and the clave makes it as hard as possible for him to do any effective work, bogging him down with bureaucracy and and votes on motions that are just shy of the majority needed to pass laws etc etc. basically throw every road block they can at him and wear him down; forcing him to step down and thus silencing him, and by extension, the downworlders who rely on him for a voice in the clave. 

malec side note: so they first say that magnus can come to alicante and make an exception for him, and the general plan is to make it look like they’re actually doing something good when it’s to lull them into a false sense of security. (but alec and magnus choose to live in brooklyn first because despite everything, it is still dangerous for magnus to be the only warlock in a city full of nephilim) but then alicante opens up to the rest of the shadow world, magnus becomes the high warlock of alicante, and the clave are dealing with the force of nature that is known power couple and ultimate badasses magnus and alec lightwood-bane. oops. 

but they underestimate the power of alec’s Lightwood(-Bane) DeterminationTM and his sheer stubbornness. so their plan backfires spectacularly when within the first few years, he’s implemented laws to open alicante up to downworlders, expunge criminal records of downworlders who were previously wrongfully charged with crimes, rehabilitation of wrongfully imprisoned downworlders, mandatory downworld cabinet and downworld deputy initiatives worldwide, as well as be part of the core group that rewrote the accords to be more fair. 

alec probably retires after like five years of being inquisitor and then magnus steps down as high warlock and they just travel the world together and be in love and happy, occasionally consulting on political issues here and there but for the most part they just run off into the sunset to be immortal husbands together because they’ve sacrificed enough for the good of the shadow world to last several lifetimes. 

[redrobin-detective]

Random Quirkless Pro Hero Deku facts

- Pro Hero Izuku has a lot of weaponry on him at all times but he’s personally a big fan of knives. He’s usually got at least 5 or 6 on him at all times in all different sizes. He likes them because they’re multi-use, intimidating and, in the hands of a skilled wielder (like Izuku definitely is) can end fights without permanent damage. His favorite knife is the one he stole off of Stain to Iida’s dismay but its just a really good knife okay, Tenya, nothing personal.

-  Todoroki is rescue hero working at Froppy’s agency in Nara (kind of the middle of nowhere). He doesn’t really get involved in the big villain battles unless he’s caught up in them, does no marketing for himself, rarely takes interviews, does his best to just be another hero... and yet he’s #20 in the charts. He is the highest ranked rescue hero who goes out of his way to avoid the spotlight and he doesn’t know why he’s so highly ranked. This is because he doesn’t understand the overwhelming power of THIRSTY fans.

- Izuku and Katsuki have a very special relationship. They read each other so well, are a well-oiled, scarily efficient team in battle. Outside of that, they’re disasters. Due to past experiences with ‘friendly spars’ that have gotten out of control they need a minimum of 2 babysitters pro heroes to spot them and be in a qualified facility before they go at it (which they don’t always do). Most every time they meet up they’ve got to rough house a bit to everyone’s horror. Bakugou will get loud and indignant if you call them friends but then rant for 30 minutes on why Deku is one of the best damn heroes he’s ever known. 

- Speaking of which, on an operations level Izuku and Katsuki are much better separated than partnered. Kiri much more approachable and adds a sense of balance to Bakugou which is why he’s #1 not long after Izuku leaves. Izuku/Katsuki together were terrifying but a little bit too chaotic? They egged each other on where Kiri calms Bakugou down and Izuku forced to be “in charge” (as composed to constantly competing with Bakugou) of others also makes him less reckless. They’re still a brutally efficient combo but they’ve both agreed that separation really helped them grow.

- Gran Torino went senile not long after Izuku graduated Yuuei having fulfilled his promise to both Nana and Toshi and couldn’t fight any more. Izuku took care of him the best he can and put the old hero up in a luxurious old age home, he visited once a week watching more and more of his mentor slip away. He died when Izuku was still working at Two Hero with Bakugou and it was one of his incentives for leaving the agency and forming One For All. 

- Shinsou ended up in the Hero course during their second year, but he went to 1B. Still maintained a good relationship with Izuku and the 1C gang. After graduation, he was surprised when Yaoyorozu offered him a position at her agency. He works there mainly in intelligence gathering, interrogation and general agency management. He still does field work but not nearly to the extent of other heroes.

- Shinsou and Izuku are the lowest ranked in their grade, Shinsou being in the 90s while Izuku is in the high 70s. Izuku will never let his friend forget that he, quirkless and hated by the system, is higher ranked than Shinsou. Its really because Shinsou is kind of a reclusive hero only known because he works at such a prestigious agency. If and when Shinsou decides to make an effort at his popularity it’s all over for Izuku. Until then, Izuku will lord it over him. 

- As for the 1C gang, Patrick moved back to America right after graduation. He’s doing odds and ends, still trying to figure out what he wants to do. Does frequent calls/visits to Japan to visit his high school friends. Korudo did end up working his father’s company but on his own terms, donates a lot to Izuku’s AFO foundation. Izuku probably sees Taketsu the most, she’s a quirk lawyer and works with Izuku professionally in terms of quirk advocacy and advancement. 

- Hero Names: Bakugou - Kacchan, Todoroki - stays as Shouto, Aoyoma - Lumiere, Shinsou - Hypnos

- As soon as he graduated, Izuku moved into All Might’s old apartment because he couldn’t stand to sell it. He left it almost identical only converting the back study and pretty much living out of boxes the first few years. He’s very, very slowly taking down All Might’s things and putting up his own but each change involves a lot of struggle and crying, but it feels like healing. In addition, Toshi was able to change his will before dying so Izuku inherited an insane amount of money from All Might’s estate. He couldn’t spend it all in his lifetime if he tried. He mostly keeps it away but donates a lot of it to AFO and other charities. 

- Deku is a fan favorite as far submissive ships go. In every fan pairing he’s put in (and there are some wild one out there) he is the delicate, submissive quirkless partner. When asked on it, 1A just comments “have you ever actually seen Deku??” still the trope persists. Popular fan pairings are Bakudeku, Shoudeku, Iideku and Uradeku.

- The Class has varying ways of referring to one another, most of them feel comfortable calling each other by their first names but almost all continue to call Iida by his surname (except Ochako and Izuku when he’s feeling annoyed/sappy). Izuku and Katsuki have a whole language of names within the names they call each other, all you should know is that if you hear Izuku say “Bakugou” or Katsuki “Izu-chan” you better run like hell.

- Midoriya Hisashi was officially killed halfway through Izuku’s Third Year in a villian attack at his office in America. Inko was distraught but Izuku really couldn’t bring himself to mourn a man he never knew (and was already exhausted still grieving for All Might). Inko and Izuku got a sizable payout from it, ensuring Inko will be able to live comfortably for the rest of her life. Izuku never touched the money, relying first on All Might’s money then his own when he had to. ((Most people know I’m pretty ham for DFO so let me say this, on paper “Midoriya Hisashi” was killed it’s up to you if someone else is still around) 

- While OFA doesn’t have any permanent staff, it does have heroes who frequently work there. It started this way because Izuku couldn’t get any heroes to permanently attach and kept it up once he realized the versatility it gave him. Shouto and Uravity usually do at least one or two stints a year. Pretty much all of the unattached heroes of 1A have worked with Deku multiple times (even a few attached, Ingenium surprising everyone by leaving his agency for a month to work with his old friend). Lemillion does it when his schedule allows and a few veteran heroes like Present Mic and Cementoss have done work there as well. And while Number One Kacchan hasn’t officially worked at One For All, he and Red Riot partner do enough inter-agency work that they kind of have. 

- Over the years OFA acquired the respect of many heroes but there’s still assholes who refuse to take orders from a quirkless man. Now officially Deku has no problems with those who do not wish to work with him, it’s well within their rights. However, he’ll usually slyly make it known that people have turned down offers from him or spoke against him. And suddenly those bigoted heroes find they’re getting less support from those connected to Deku (a number that grows bigger by the year). There are less team-ups, less chance of being voted for hero titles, more whispers about how a hero being quirkist in this age is so old-fashioned and not cool. The heroes are like ??? how the hell did this happen while Deku sits there and smiles, not having lifted a finger. He’s a kind man but a vindictive one for sure.

- Izuku named his foundation after All For One, the villain who terrorized Japan and ultimately killed All Might, purely out of spite. While Izuku never confronted him in this universe, he knows the villain is still out there. The AFO Foundation took a name that was once feared and turned it into something that could bring people hope. He wanted to tell all the wannabe criminals who would recognize the name that Izuku knows and he’s not afraid. Also he still considers it his duty as AM’s successor to stop him so the Foundation is two middle fingers up to AFO as a challenge. 

- Rikimaru-shishou (Izuku and later Shinsou’s martial arts teacher in TLWA) has mostly retired from teaching, only taking a few students here and there. Izuku still keeps in contact when possible, meeting up for a friendly spar when he can squeeze it in. Most of the students Daiki takes these days are kids Izuku recommends with puppy dog eyes. 

-Mirio and Izuku end up developing a pretty good relationship. It starts when Izuku tries to intern with Nighteye in his first year and it’s pretty ugly. Nighteye refuses to take him but some, not all, of the Izuku/OFA/Mirio situation comes out. Mirio is very disturbed that his mentor was grooming him to be All Might 2 and kind of separates from Sir and takes Izuku’s side. Really excited by Deku’s vision for a better hero society and they have a big/lil brother relationship. Is super okay when Izuku takes the SoP title from him, like Izuku not bothered with rankings but he knows how important it is to his bro.

- So good news first, Mirio and Tamaki are long term partners and adopt a little girl, Koharu, who has a ‘villainous’ quirk and was abandoned by her family. Mirio being on paternity leave is one of the factors that allows Izuku to take the SoP away from him. So uh bad news, Eri was never recovered during TLWA version of the Overhaul arc. Don’t ask me exact details cause I don’t know lol but Izuku wasn’t really involved and Overhaul and few of his men managed to flee Japan with Eri and haven’t been found since. Mirio and Tamaki both took the loss to heart which is why they wanted to try and pay back that mistake. They’re both great dads though.

- Due to being so outrageously busy during their first year as Pros, Bakugou forgot to maintain a regular haircut schedule so it started to grow out. Izuku and some others commented that the longer hair looked good on him. It got to the point where it was getting in the way so he ties it back in a little tail that looks like a little explosion. That, and his permanent facial scruff, make him a very attractive hero but his personality still leaves a lot to be desired.

[yakumtsaki]

Alright you guys, sorry for the delay, I’ve had to restart this post 20 fucking times because my changes weren’t being saved in the draft and then I kept getting the ‘upload failed’ error. In case you don’t remember wtf is going on you might wanna re-read the last update (I certainly had to) which is apparently from JUNE 2018. Jfc I suck so hard. Now this was gonna be really long but tumblr wouldn’t post it so I’m breaking it up in 3 parts, part 2 to be posted tomorrow. For those that don’t feel like reading back, general recap of the last couple updates:

Jojo cheated on Wyatt with Max Flexor and my solution to that marital crisis was to adopt our first dog ever, a puppy hilariously named Maxx.

The puppy grew up to be an asshole and is constantly beating up the cats, who have turned into giant pussies (no pun intended) and are losing every fight to him despite the fact they’re named after Mortal Kombat characters. They’re a fucking disgrace to Alegra’s/Victor’s/Ronroneo’s memory and I haven’t settled on a cat heir yet because they both suck.

Jojo is perma miserable, I don’t even remember how much money away from his 100k LTW, and still not a werewolf despite my pathologically persistent attempts to make him friends with the wolf.

Fucking useless Wyatt didn’t get promoted while Komei was alive providing us with his 100 townie friends, we spent 20 updates befriending every rando that crossed our lot to secure his promotion, and then finally on the day he was supposed to become Captain Hero, Wyatt got, of course, fired and is now on track to take longer to complete his literal career based LTW than Komei took to get 6 pets on the top of their careers.

Absolutely everyone hates noogie addict Shajar, she got a Kylo Ren makeover, and we still don’t know what her sexual orientation is thanks to her ridiculous fitness/fatness turn ons and cleanliness turn off.

Golden child/10 nice points freakshow Cyneswith grew up, rolled romance with the most disturbing turn-ons/offs possible (grey hair/mechanical & charisma turn off) and the 20 simultaneous lovers LTW.

Wulf grew up into a kid, got an Amadeus makeover, is officially a Wyatt clone and the only member of this family I don’t completely hate yet.

Now I’d like to begin the first Union post in more than a year by requesting you do me a solid and lower your expectations for this thing as far down as humanly possible. Like really try to recreate the Jules Verne classic “Journey to the Center of the Earth” with your expectations here, because my brain is so fucking fried that there’s a 20% chance I randomly start citing sources at some point during this post. This grad school crap has seriously been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever. And speaking of bad trade deals, let’s get this update rolling with the man, the myth, the legend, the husband who managed to make Komei look like a dreamboat in comparison..

..Wyatt fucking Union, née Monif. It’s been a long time, but I’m not gonna lie to you Wyatt, not nearly long enough. Looking good man, just one small question, where the fuck are your eyebrows?

-You àccidéntally deléted thém, imbécilé, et I cannôt exprèss my irritatiόn prόperly becausé I hàve non eyebrôws!

Did your selective French accent get thicker this past year or is it just me?

-It géts thickér whén je suis distrésséd, givé moi mon eyebrôws bàcc!!!

No can do, brother. Actually can do, but I think the Mona Lisa look is working for you, and more importantly I still hate you, so I’m just gonna hardcore ignore you for the rest of this post if that’s ok. Talk to me when you finally get promoted, aka never the way this shit is going.

-Non! NON! MON EYEBROWS!

It’s been lovely catching up.

Jojό I mean Jojo, goddammit Wyatt, is spending most of his time building robots in the mausoleum (sweet hipster band name alert)..

..giving financial advice in Shajar’s room (inb4 what’s the difference between the mausoleum and Shajar’s room)..

..building evil snowmen alone in the middle of the night, like all mentally healthy middle aged men with 3 kids are wont to do..

..and getting the piss harassed out of him by the cat ghosts in the bathroom (sweet hipster band name alert #2). How is this like the fourth time this happens in the exact same spot, will you just stop autonomously cleaning the bathroom after midnight? It’s obviously where the cats hang out, give it the fuck up already.

-I’m actively TRYING TO DIE you absolute moron, what does a guy have to do to get killed around here?

Yea can’t say that I blame you but not happening, you can commit suicide by Ghost Alegra after the kids fuck off to college, ok? I promise.

-Oh like you promised me being heir was a route worth pursuing??

Um obviously you too need to go back and re-read your own life story, because I spent the entirety of our “““cherished””” time together telling you heirship is a shitty gig at generation 2. And then to top it off you went and married Wyatt to ensure maximum shittiness, so there you go, fucking enjoy. God I am so sick of both of you losers and we’re only 5 pics in. Let’s check in with your spawn, I’m sure they can’t possibly be more annoying than their parents-

-oh right, I forgot, this is the generation with 10/10/9 active points where the party never stops. Cyneswith are you somehow twerking to classical music?

-How else am I gonna attract all those hot senior citizens per my grey hair turn on and 20 lovers LTW?

Ok great yea I see how this is gonna go, you’re trying to entice people into voting you for heir based on how torturous playing this fucked up LTW is gonna be for me, well forget it, my readers are intellectuals and completely above such petty entertainment. (istg mofos, don’t even think about it, i already did Komei’s 5 pets career shit, i will burn this place to the ground if you saddle me with Cyneswith banging the elderly for 30 years)

-No need to worry your stupid little head, I will beat Cyneswith for HEIR just like I beat her HAIR up daily! HAHA!

Shajar no offense but you’re a fucking war crime of a sim, nearly everyone who’s ever met you hates you including your parents, and the fact that you’re the alternative here is really not helping my situation in any way. Also how the fuck are you gonna be heir when the only thing you seem to be attracted to is giving noogies, you’re like one week away from college and I still don’t even know if you’re str8 or gay or bi or w/e the fuck you are. You have Jojo’s personality combined with..

..yes exactly, DANIEL’S SOCIAL ABILITIES. I mean I was joking with the whole ‘Shajar’s the spawn of Satan’ thing, but this combo of traits was clearly drawn up in Hell’s boardroom.

ANYWAY. It’s a snowy Sunday morning, and anyone who has been a teen knows what that means:

Time to go clubbing! Man I remember being like 15, waking up on a freezing Sunday morning and my mom making me a cup of hot chocolate before I drove off to the club. Those were the days.

-Uh, Shaj, when did you learn how to drive?

-Don’t be stupid, Cyneswith, people don’t need to ‘learn’ how to drive.

-They absolutely do, actually.

-Well what can I tell you, the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

-Here we are, safe and sound! Celebratory noogie!

-YOU RAN OVER 9 PEOPLE

-How many times to I have to explain this to you, Apartment Life townies are not people.

Can’t argue with that logic. Let’s just go in and find out what Shajar’s sexual orientation is once and for all so I can spend the rest of this update aggressively promoting Wulf’s candidacy.

Now I consider ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ one of the dumbest sayings there is, but even I have to concede that this particular picture truly is worth a thousand words. Quick poll, what is more horrifying, Shajar’s literal Joker face or Cyneswith, whom I’ve never seen read a book ever, autonomously pulling one out in the middle of the dance floor, in what I can only assume is an attempt to attract old perverts with the schoolgirl routine?

And I know what some of you are thinking, you’re like ‘bro, you’re just reaching to make a bad joke bro, Cyneswith is just a sweet nice introvert and not like other girls, she doesn’t feel comfortable in the club’, well to that let me reply with another picture that is worth a thousand words:

Yea that’s right, on the first minute of our first time out WE RUN INTO THAT ONE ELDER TOWNIE THAT HAS WRINKLE MAKE UP ON. GODDAMMIT CYNESWITH

Do you guys remember how Jojo was obsessed with Stephen Tinker as a teen? Are you seeing the connection here?? Those kids have literally inherited the worst possible traits from both their parents turned up to 11, it’s fucking unreal.  

Right after I get over Wrinkle’s presence I turn around and what do I see, those 2, who have never had a non-noogie physical interaction, autonomously doing the family kiss thing. I didn’t even catch it on time because I was loling irl, we came out here so these assholes can find age-appropriate partners, and instead they’re kissing each other. Seems about right with this family, and clearly Striped Scarf’s dumb ass ships it.

-They look so much alike, it’s meant to be!

Yes, and they even share the same last name! Talk about written in the stars.

Thankfully Abhijeet is here to save us from incest by perving on Cyneswith. GTFO ABHIJEET. Anyone like ‘bro townies just autonomously come to greet your sims on community lots regardless of age, stop calling them perverts’, see you in about 5 pics down.  

I try to have Shajar chat up Striped Scarf and suffice it to say Shaj ~stole her heart~ and presumably put it on this stick to wave around.

NO. CYNESWITH NO. I’m seriously having déjà vu of all the times I was like ‘NO. JOJO NO’, jfc.

Shajar is unsurprisingly exhibiting no interest in socializing with anyone around her, instead she’s trying every activity this terribly lit place has to offer, and she looks demented while doing it:

I’m feeling a primal urge to photoshop Darth Vader’s melted helmet on the bowling ball here, someone please remind me to do it for the heir vote photoshoot.

-HA. SUCK IT DENISE JACQUET

That’s Denise Jacquet?! I can’t tell who anyone is for shit anymore. The default replacements are a scourge upon premade brands, I’m getting rid of them pronto. Speaking of scourges, where the hell is your sister?

-Who cares?

I wanna say ‘me’ but we both know that’s a lie.

Oh ok, THERE SHE IS.

-So you see Cyneswith, just because something is technically ‘illegal’, doesn’t mean it’s morally wrong-

Yea yea fascinating stuff, now get out of the hot tub or I will fucking neuter you, I don’t know if a eunuch mod already exists for medieval games but I will make one if it doesn’t.

Here, Cyneswith, drink some water, have a nice G-rated convo with your sister about violins and stop pissing me off. 

-First of all this is straight vodka.

Great.

-Secondly Shajar is talking about Mozart’s coprophilia.

-I sure am.

Amazing. Well, I guess it’s at times like these when you need to look inside your heart and truly ask yourself, what did you expect from Jojo’s children.

ABHIJEET ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DID YOU EVEN HEAR ME TALK ABOUT CASTRATION

-Ha, I went home and put on my most elderly-looking formal wear!

-I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave Ab <3

CYNESWITH SHUT UP. I can’t believe you people are actually making me miss Gunther’s teenage whoring, at least he kept it age appropriate.

-Is some random lady pressing her breasts against my head?

She most certainly is, Shajar, because it is now crystal clear that this bowling alley doubles as the site of annual perv townie convention and we walked right into it-

-and it’s also clear we have serious issues and are enjoying ourselves. Shaj I legit don’t know what to tell you, this is the first time you get along with someone right away and it just had to be the adult with the bad haircut and the flasher’s trench coat???

-You’re damn right it did.

Alright then, I’m officially going to nope out of this situation, safe in the knowledge you’re a noogiesexual and nothing will actually happen with this freak, so I’ll focus on Cyneswith instead who is much more of a loose canon. 

Here Cyn, talk to this guy, who I’m 90% sure is the same guy your father rejected in favor of stalking Stephen Tinker when he was your age.

-Ohhhh, he’s dreamy!

Omg really?? Halleluj-

-oh never mind, you were of course referring to adult ass Brandon Lillard. I do like that our townies have recurring roles each generation, we should make rejecting Blondie a rite of passage in this family. We should also officially gtfo because this is happening:

-Um, now that I’m looking at you in harsher lighting, it’s gonna be a no from me dawg. 

Oh, thank the fucking lord.

-Let’s celebrate the fact we didn’t get hopelessly obsessed with any adults here by doing the traditional Dance of Normality!

-We beat Dad’s genes, we beat Dad’s genes!

-We’re normal!

Yes, and we’re definitely showing it. Can we please leave now so I can make sure I’ve uninstalled Inteenminator and turn off free will? 

-Nop! Venue change!

-Got-out-of-the-car celebratory noogie!

-Made-it-to-the-door celebratory noogie!

Shajar you unironically have a noogie addiction, I’m not kidding in the slightest, you need to see a doctor.

Great, great, not another teen in sight and to top it off Denise followed us here to ensure maximum elder presence. I feel comfortable officially declaring this day a complete waste of time.

God, the vintage pink dress and the pink alcohol combo is some straight up current era Taylor Swift nonsense. That’s it, we’re outta here, back home where no one is lurking, waiting to strike at us-

-SOPHIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO💔💔💔💔💔

-The Lord is my shepherd.

NO HE ISN’T EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN’T HERD CATS PLEASE DON’T DIE

-Nop, I’m over it. Goodbye heathens, it’s been nice, hope you don’t find your paradise. 

UGH SOPHIE, my beloved Westboro lunatic, the last gangsta generation 1 cat we had.. I can’t believe you’re gone and all I’m left with is stupid Goro and D’vorah who can’t even beat up the fucking dog. This is truly painful.

Yes, pets, I agree, Kaylynn is completely to blame for Sophie dying of old age. The time has now come to decide on a cat heir-

-and since Goro ran away like a little bitch after Sophie’s death despite the fact he didn’t even like her, he’s automatically disqualified and will be going off to live on Melody and Daniel’s farm once returned to us. Congratulations to D’vorah I guess, on being the least terrible of two terrible options. 

On the topic of terrible heir options, Cyn has non-stop wants to go on dates and have her first kiss and all that crap, and since our Sunday morning clubbing was a bust we invite over the matchmaker.

-Hello there young Union, I see your house has been upgraded since I was last here.

Oh right we haven’t required your services since Daniel was a teen and we lived in a trailer, well we are flush with cash now!

-Hopefully your payment reflects that.

It will!! Just please give us someone good, I can’t deal with single teen Cyn for one more second.

-Oh my, what a beautiful BLANK PIECE OF PAPER.

WHAT!? NO THAT’S 5K IT’S JUST A SNOW GLITCH 

-What do I look like to you, a money thawing service?

Does such a service.. exist??

-It does not, so I have to go home and use a hairdryer on this!

Just come inside and we’ll give you non-frozen money!

-No, no, you’ll get what you paid for..

-Have a magical time!

...

.........

......................

Lakshmi this was so fucking evil that I almost want to age you down and see if you and Shajar hit it off. 

-As if, the whole neighborhood knows what you did to Komei.

Helped him achieve his insane 6-pets-career LTW?

-Turned him into a servant while your sim was lounging around all day!

Oh yea I did do that. But Wyatt was also a townie and he does literally nothing, Jojo is the servant now!

-Only because Wyatt is too fucking stupid to do things! Word has gotten out, no townie will ever marry in this family again unless they’re brain dead, so it’s Wyatts only for you from now on, sister!

Well this has been a complete fucking disaster. It was great seeing you again, Lakshmi, thanks for the dream date with the adult farting machine, 5k well-spent.

Pretty sure it was you bro, and yes, how about we don’t do that again.

Wyatt has brought over Amanda from work! (Aka Victoria’s only friend and subsequent lesbian lover, who is really pretty and is definitely getting married in at some point, preferably after the brown hair genes have been weakened so we can go back to being gingers.)  

-Wow Shajar, your grandmother, God rest her soul, mentioned you were her favorite and now I can see why! Loving the Kylo Ren look!

-Is someone being genuinely nice to me?! What is happening?

-Yes, please stop being nice to her, Amanda, we don’t want her getting used to it.

Jojo istg.

-Cyneswith dear, tell Amanda all about how much money your grandmother left you so she can stop being nice to Shajar. 

-Soooo much money, Miss Amanda!

-Ah, what a polite child I’ve single-handedly raised.

-Now, Cyneswith, you really need to get back on the dating scene so you have ample time to find the perfect spouse and continue our line, since you’re clearly the only one of my children that is remotely heir material. 

-Dad, Shajar and Wulf are right next to you.

-Oh they are? I’m wearing my special contact lenses that make those disappointments invisible to me, but even better, they need to hear this. Shajar is a noogiesexual and thus incapable of reproduction, and Wulf is not even a Union, I mean have you seen that kid? Wyatt reproduced by himself like the amoeba he is. Now, your grandmother-

-YOU MENTIONED ME 3 TIMES AND HERE I AM

OH FUCK VICTORIA, deleting the default replacements gave you base game hair!!!!

-That’s the part you’re scared by, not my Beetlejuicesque entrance?

There’s literally nothing scarier than your ghost sporting this haircut for all eternity, I’m re-downloading that default immediately. 

-Oh mom, so good to see you! Let me just hug my beloved child, Shijer-

-Shajar, dad.

-SHAJAR, let me hug Shajar, like I do all the time. 

-I’m glad to see you’re not picking favorites among your children like I did, the way I treated David-

-Daniel, mom.

-DANIEL, is the one thing I’ve truly been regretting in the afterlife. That and not skinning Marisa Bendett alive when I had the chance. 

-Well, as you can see by Shajar’s totally normal and not at all shocked reaction to my hug, I am a wonderful, fair, and emotionally available father. 

(Bruh this freaked me out so much when it happened, I mean I KNOW it’s an animation glitch but I was convinced my sims had become sentient for a good while after)

-Is your grandmother’s ghost still on the premises?

-Yup. 

-When will this nightmare end, paying attention to you is the worst. 

-Ok she’s gone.

-FINALLY. Now it’s back to the crypt for you, and don’t you dare go complain to her urn!

-Ah, Stephen, Stephen, my life is crap and I can’t even🎵

And with the knowledge you have composed a theme song for Stephen Tinker, part 1 of the Union comeback update is concluded. Will Shajar’s sexual orientation reveal itself? Will Cyneswith find true love? Will Jojo become a werewolf? Will Wulf continue to be the only dignified member of this family? Will D’vorah have kittens? Will Wyatt do literally anything worth mentioning? Tune in for parts 2 & 3 to find out, unfollow button on the upper right corner for those who need it. 

[cbmification]

Big Brother Sims: S01E04 - Chaos Is My Middle Name

Padma: Good evening and welcome back to one more episode of Big Brother Sims. Last week, power struggle over backdooring or not the main target led to some animosity to appear inside the Power 7 alliance. Will that be enough to see them crumble? We’re about to find out.

Esme: The votes were announced and everyone’s eyes had already turned towards me and Kalani. We simply could not understand how that happened.

Cass: I simply cannot understand how have I become such a huge pawn. And why are Esme and Kalani constantly trying to get me out? I don’t get what I’m doing wrong.

Chris: You know, I haven’t been very happy with how things are going on with the whole blaming the girls thing. My plan was to play a honest game and I haven’t been doing that. It’s time to change.

Chris: Dani, listen up. I have to tell you a secret. 

Danielle: Sure, C. You can trust me.

Chris: Well, that’s exactly it. You shouldn’t trust me. I’m hoping this will help me gain your trust again. 

Danielle: Go on...

Chris: You know those votes Cass has been getting? It’s coming from Tommy, Jared and up until this last week, myself.

Danielle: WHAT?!

Chris: It was always a plan to split you guys up, but I’m not comfortable with it anymore.

Danielle: Man, was I pissed! How dare they underestimate our intelligence like that? And trying to take out King and Jazz, probably my two biggest allies? I won’t let it go this easy.

Jazz: They what?!

King: I can’t believe it...

Danielle: I swear, guys. And it all adds up to how they have been behaving lately.

King: This changes everything.

King: How dare they go behind my back and try to betray me like that?! But that’s perfect, because I like my friends close and my enemies closer.

Tommy: Chris, can you get me a spoon?

Chris: ...

Tommy: Chris?

Chris walks away.

Tommy: For some weird reason I feel like Chris has been avoiding me like the plague. And I don’t know what could it be... Should I be worried?

Swamped The Houseguests must transfer water from one jug to another jug at the end of a slippery lane. There are three jugs - one that awards the HOH position, one that awards $10,000, and one that awards safety for the week. The Houseguest that fills the HOH jug first will become the new Head of Household.

Jazz wins safety for the week and Kalani wins $10,000. Oddly, Danielle is very fast at finishing the HoH jug, which surprises both King and Esme, the ones coming right behind her.

Danielle: Man, what the hell did I do? So clearly I was trying to throw comps as I always do. But then I thought: Well, 10000 bucks wouldn’t hurt, would it? But this dumbass right here filled the wrong jug and ended up as the HoH while trying to throw the comp. I simply do not know what to do with myself.

Jared: Honestly I couldn’t be any happier. The Power 7 keeps on winning and we are about to mop the floor with the competition.

King: So we all agree with putting up Esme, right?

Danielle: Yup, as promised.

Tameka: Ugh, it’s gonna be so good! I love it!

Danielle: As for the pawn, I’m thinking of putting up Kalani just to leave Cass out for a week.

Jared: It’s not like the pawn really matters this week.

Jared: We’re golden. Esme is going up against Kalani and soon the biggest challenge threat on this house will be gone.

Danielle: You know, as I saw that amount of people inside my HoH room, I kind of had an epiphany. Like, this is a game for a million simmeons. We can’t all be winners. I got voted into this house promising one thing and that thing is what I’m gonna deliver: girl power. 

Danielle: Guys, I’m gonna let you in on something. I’m planning to take out Jared this week. For everything he’s been up to lately.

Jazz: What? Are you sure this is the right time?

King: Yeah, please, don’t play too fast too soon.

Danielle: I don’t think this is too soon. This is actually the perfect time, when they’re not expecting it.

King: No, I’m telling you. Don’t do this or you will regret it later.

Danielle: What? Is this a threat?

King: No, I’m just saying. This is not gonna be good for us.

Danielle: I’ll think about it.

King: Danielle is playing with her heart and this is pissing me off. She’s not thinking straight because of this whole vendetta. Esme is the right move now. But I gotta pretend I agree with whatever she says. I mean, I’m not crazy.

Danielle calls the houseguests to the living room as it’s time for the nomination ceremony.

Danielle: I have nominated you, Jared and you, Tommy, for constantly conspiring behind mine’s and the entire house’s back. 

Jared: What the hell?!

Tommy: ...

Danielle: Jared, you are my target because not only do I think you are the mastermind behind this scheme, but I also think you are fake, conveniently befriending people only when it interests you and very, very arrogant. There, I said it.

Jared: This is not over, girl.

Tommy: I can’t believe this is happening. Our plan was perfect, there’s no way in hell she could have figured it out by herself!

Jared: I wouldn’t let her get away with this so easily. So I obviously went to the HoH room as soon as the ceremony was over to try and figure out what had happened.

Jared: How dare you not only nominate me but try to make a fool out of me on TV?

Danielle: What? You’re the one who has been pretending to be this nice singer persona from the get go, asshole!

Jared: I knew I should never have trusted some trashy girl like you?

Danielle: Who are you calling trashy, D-list celebrity?

Jared: What did you say?

Danielle: Did I stutter?

Jared: You realize this is the end of the road for you, right? Game over.

Danielle: Oh yeah? And why?

Jared: Cause the house is gonna side with us, I’m sure of it.

Danielle: Really? So how about I call them in here?

Danielle: So, girls. You wanted an explanation for why there have been some random votes involving the two of you? These two here can explain.

Cass: What?!

Esme: Are you kidding me? That’s so dirty!

Tommy: Man, we should have just let it go...

Jared: Shut up, Tommy.

Danielle: I never wanted any of this power, but now I love it!

Cass: I am furious! I almost went home because these two don’t know how to play like decent human beings!

Esme: I was so pissed when I found out about why me and my original allies were being hunt down. But forget that, this is not the time to be sad. For the first time in forever, no Silent Assassin is on the block.

Esme: I know you pulled your strings to keep me here and I’m so thankful for that.

Jazz: No worries, babe. It’s not like I did much, really. But you can count on me and Dani whenever you want to.

Esme: Thanks, I’m sure I’m gonna remember that. And I owe you guys one.

Esme: Jazz is just such a captivating person. I love her. She has this aura, I don’t know how to put it... There’s some kind of energy that pulls people towards her. It’s truly magical.

Tameka: I’m not happy with everything that went down, that’s for sure. How dare Danielle use me like that last week to get who she wanted out, out, and then now, when it’s time for her to do her part of the deal, she backs down completely.

Tameka: Can you guys tell me what was that all about?

Jazz: Tameka, calm down, we can explain.

Tameka: I AM CALM! What I’m tired of is being left out of everything by you two. Did you guys forget what we promised to each other right here?

Danielle: I...

Tameka: I see it. Well, just give me some time. I’m a little hurt.

Tameka: Danielle takes me for a fool. Now I’m sure of it. More than ever. But I gotta find out how to play this smart or else I’m gonna get screwed real soon. Unfortunately, I think I’m gonna have to drop Jared in order to survive. With Tommy we can win comps and take them all out one by one.

Tameka: Guys, first of all I’m really sorry. And I swear I’m with you, and not them.

Jared: Sure, but how can we trust you...?

Tameka: They don’t let me in on any of their decision making and I’m tired of it. Apparently this all started because of something Chris told Danielle. And then they decided to betray our alliance without consulting me.

Tommy: I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Chris double-crossed us because of how he’s been acting. But for them to aim at us right now...

Jared: Ok, Mama T. We are really gonna need your help. But you gotta pretend you’re still with them.

Tameka: But they’re hanging out with Esme now, and after what she did to me...

Tommy: Hmm, about that-

Jared: See? That’s why you can’t trust them.

Jared: It’s good to see that at least someone in this house isn’t playing like a total fool. I don’t know how I can survive this, but I sure as hell am going to try.

Tommy: Kalani, there has not been a single person talking to me for the last few days. How do you deal with this?

Kalani: I don’t know, man. I just sit out here in the open. Usually take care of the plants, look at the water.

Tommy: You’re a little weird, did you know that?

Kalani: A good kind of weird?

Tommy: A good kind of weird.

Kalani: Tommy, he’s pretty fun and carefree. I think he can be a valuable ally going forward with his challenge strength. I just enjoy realizing that, step by step, I’m slowly becoming friends with most of the people in this house just by socializing. What a change, right?

King: So Kalani came up to me and told me that Tommy went to her to talk about life and stuff, but I know that’s all game. So I’m gonna talk to him and try and figure out what is this about trying to take me and Jazz out of the game.

King: So, how you feeling, man?

Tommy: Not great, really. But I’m getting used to it.

King: So, I gotta be honest. Chris told Danielle about you guys trying to gun for me and Jazz, is that for real?

Tommy: What? No way! The whole voting for Cass thing was just to make the girls not trust each other. I mean, we’re Secret Squadron till the end, right?

King: Sure, of course. I knew there was some kind of misinformation there. Danielle may have made this up to get us against you guys.

Tommy: Yeah, totally.

King: Ugh, look at myself in the mirror here... My hair is a mess. Can you lend me your hat later?

Tommy: Sure, no problem.

King: Do I believe what Tommy is telling me? Of course not. But I need him to be by my side, because when these big targets go for each other, I’m gonna need shields like him. And nothing better than this sudden bond with Kalani to get him saved this week.

King: Listen up, Kalani. We have to focus on winning this veto if we get picked. We gotta get Tommy off the block and have Danielle put Tameka up since she’s been so passive aggressive towards them. If we get Tameka out, the people who hate each other will still be in here and gunning for each other. At the end, only you and I will be standing.

Kalani: Ok, I get it. I guess.

Kalani: I’m happy with going with whatever King says. All I wanted in this game was an ally and having one like him is just perfect.

Danielle gets everyone together for the veto selections.

Danielle draws Houseguest’s Choice and chooses Kalani as someone less likely to win.

Tommy draws Cass and she immediately shouts.

Cass: Oh, how ironic!

Cass: I laughed my ass out, honey.

Jared draws Chris.

Chris: ...

Candy Counter The Houseguests each stand in their individual booths. Each round they are required to estimate the amount of a certain candy-related item. Once they all reveal their guesses, they must decide to 'stay' and play for a point and risk elimination if they are the furthest from the correct answer or to 'fold and move on to the next round. The first Houseguest to earn 3 points or the last Houseguest remaining will win the Golden Power of Veto.

Kalani messes up and ends up as the first one out. Chris and Danielle are really competitive with Tommy and Jared, but none of them realize that Cass easily gets the 3 points and defeats them all.

Cass: I can’t believe it! Not only is this my first win, but it’s also exactly when the two guys who have made my life hell are on the block. There’s zero chance I’m taking either one off.

Jazz: A funny thing is, this whole thing began because Jared and Tommy were so scared that the girls would get together. And now look at us! We’re more united than ever and it’s all because of them.

Jazz: Like, do you guys realize how great this probably is for the girls at home? Seeing good examples being set by us here?

Cass: You’re so right, I just can’t see us being on the wrong here.

Esme: Yes, it’s just gonna be such a powerful message!

Tameka: I’m just there standing with them while they spew the whole girl power thing with my best fake smile. You gotta understand, I’m all for women empowerment. But these girls are playing like fools. Total incompetents. If they were my employees, they would all have been fired by now.

Tameka: OH MY GOD, YOU’RE SO FUNNY!!!

Danielle: ...

Cass reunites the houseguests for the Veto Ceremony.

Cass: This certainly doesn’t come as a surprise, but I have decided not to use the power of veto.

Cass: Looking at their faces while I denied their only shot at staying in the game? Golden. It was like taking candy from little kids.

Jared: I can’t believe this is it. I’m just beyond pissed my game is over because a guy could keep it in his pants.

King: You know, I’ve realized how close and happy all the girls are. But honestly? I’m not happy at all. I never wanted any of this to happen. I told Danielle that. So I decided to talk to Jared to get any info he may have. He was my first ally in this house, after all.

King: So... The whole getting rid of me and Jazz thing?

Jared: I swear to God, specially because you’re my first ally here. It was all Tommy. I had nothing to do with it.

King: He says otherwise. You wonder why?

Jared: I know how I can guarantee you it was all him. He actually overheard you and Jazz in the HoH room talking about a final two deal.

King: What?!

Jared: Yeah. And he immediately told me and Chris. And that’s how it all started and why we wanted to make sure the girls were weakened.

King: You’ve gotta be kidding me. That lying son of a bitch.

Jared: That was my last pitch. If it works out, it works out. But I’m not hopeful. Besides, what could King really do in this situtation?

King: You know, chaos is my middle name. I’m pissed at Tommy for going around telling people something that did not concern him and put my game in jeopardy. And I’m also pissed at Danielle for going against me when I specifically told her not to put members of the Power 7 up. If she wants to shake up the game, I’m gonna step in and shake it up some more. As the vote is coming up, I don’t have much time to do something.

King: Kalani, would you be willing to vote for Tommy?

Kalani: What?!

King: I know he’s your friend now, but you gotta hear me out.

Kalani: I’m just so confused at this point. We were saving Tommy, now we’re sending him home? I don’t know what I should do. I really think he’s gonna be useful for me going forward.

King: Obviously only Kalani and I aren’t gonna be able to take him out. So, to evict the great gambler Tommy, nothing like a good gamble, right?

King: Girls, I know you’re friends with Jazz and Dani and won’t want to go against them, but I need you to think about something.

Cass: Go ahead.

King: Jared has had multiple fights with Danielle now and he’s clearly against her. By keeping him in, the conflict they have will keep them from working together and let the two of you remain safe. If Tommy stays, he’s gonna go under the radar and at the same time stay a comp beast.

Esme: Oh God, no... I don’t think this is a good idea.

King: I know we don’t have much time, but please consider it...

Esme: It’s so good to have a little bit of power in this game. But at the same time, I feel like I have no idea if making a big move like this is the right thing.

Esme: So what are we gonna do?

Cass: I mean, he’s got a huge point with the whole keeping the conflict in the house.

Esme: But I don’t want to go against Jazz and Dani after they just helped us out this week...

Cass: Girl, I know. I loved that the girls got all together. But what we gotta remember is that we are still the underdogs here. We’re the ones outside of any alliance. We gotta make what’s best for us and us only.

Cass: I hope what I told Esme was enough, but I’m not sure she’s very happy with this plan. As for myself? I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in this house.

Kalani: The vote is coming up and I have no idea where anyone stands. This vote is pure chaos and there’s only one person who really knows who’s going home. And that ain’t me, bitch!

Padma: Hello, houseguests. It’s time for another eviction. And remember! After tonight, we’re going to the jury stage of the game, so you gotta think very carefully about every step you take.

Tameka: I unfortunately vote to evict my dear friend, Jared.

Cass: I gladly, gladly vote to evict Tommy.

Jazz: I vote to evict Jared.

Esme: I truly hope this isn’t a mistake. I vote to evict Tommy.

Chris: I hope we can go forward with the more honest players. I vote to evict Jared.

Kalani: I vote to evict Tommy.

King: It’s funny how we get ourselves into these spots, right? I know you won’t see it coming, but never, I mean, NEVER, come for the King. I vote to evict Tommy. By the way, thanks for the hat. This is what I call a social game.

Padma: The votes are in. And by a vote of 4-3...

Padma: Tommy, you have been evicted from the Big Brother house. Please grab your belongings and say your goodbyes.

Danielle: What the hell?!

King: Hehehe...

Tameka: This can’t be happening...

Tommy: ...

Padma: Let’s hear it for Tommy!

Padma: Tommy, I gotta say, you certainly don’t know this, but King led a last minute power move to get you out. Do you know why he did it?

Tommy: He probably caught wind of me trying to get him and his girl out. I gotta say I respect the move, but I don’t know how he’s gonna make it to the end now. And damn... He did all of this while using my hat. I got so bamboozled I didn’t even remember to get it back.

Padma: Now that you’re out and just missed out on jury, who are you rooting for?

Tommy: My partner in crime, Jared. Or Kalani, I guess. That would be a wild ride.

Next time, on Big Brother Sims…

I can’t deal with an alliance where there’s zero trust. I’m done with him.

Is this what winning feels like? I wish I could have tasted it sooner!

See?! This is why we shouldn’t have gone for our own alliance first! Our game is over and it’s all because of you!

[aisling-beatha]

One-Shot #1 [SFW]

The Walking Dead | Daryl Dixon X Reader

“Tomorrow we are going to war.”

The bulb in the middle of the room was ready to go off at any moment. The only source of light in the dim place was slowly fading away. Your people had gathered in this long-abandoned warehouse a few hours ago just before another cold night took that place.

The place was damp. It smelled musty and rotten. Just like those walking bastards, the group met on their way here. But that, that was the least of anyone’s worries for now. Your thoughts were going again and again to what was upcoming.

“As much as I’d love to avoid saying this,” Rick said, his voice hoarse. “I don’t really have a choice.”

He was standing on one of the largest containers, his face just slightly lit by the small bulb hanging from the ceiling. The leader placed hands on the hips and tilted his head, looking at his people. But from your place, you could barely see the man’s facial expression.

“We all know what’s coming. And we have to be ready for this. We have to. There’s no turning back. Not for us. Not anymore.”

By the way some of your people were nodding, you guessed everyone agreed on that.

This was how things worked out for you now. Your people had put everything they had at stake: every human and every weapon. The war was coming, and there was no way anyone could really keep off it.

“We don’t know what’s gonna happen there. Nobody really knows,” Rick’s gruff voice was echoing in the room. “And some may not come home either. And we all have to embrace that.”

Your thoughts went back to the day you met Negan and his people. When he walked out of the van, swinging his bat and grinning obscenely at your people in the line-up. The memories were way too vivid. Even now, a shiver ran down your spine at a single thought of the man. You still wondered how your people could possibly survive it. Yet again, not everyone did.  

The ultimate decision was eventually made a few days ago, during the last meeting between the leaders of the three communities. By a solid vote, it was agreed to start a war against the Saviors and Negan. He was to pay for everything he’d done to your people. For what he’d done to Rick. To Sasha. To Maggie. To Daryl.

You felt another shiver running through your body as you remembered the sight of the broken man when Rick with a small group, including you, saw Daryl for the first time in what seems like months. Since that moment, everything you were able to think of was to make Negan pay, to make him suffer.

You glanced over the room, spotting Maggie. She was sitting next to Carol, listening to Rick just as the others. Despite the warnings, she had got from every member of the group, she was still here, ready to fight. The determination in her eyes and the fire she had burning there always left you speechless yet it never surprised you. After everything you two went through, you learned not only to trust her and rely on her hardiness but to understand where it was coming from. And now, it wasn’t just her grief and sorrow to bear. You all lost something on that day: a part of you that will never be replaced or fixed. A deep hole was now slowly eating each one of you from the inside. And the only way to make it stop was to stand up and fight. Yet, nothing will ever make you forget those who were now gone.

“There’s no way we can call a truce to bury the dead. Negan won’t buy it. And I doubt there will ever be this chance for us,” Rick’s voice softened. “But what I want from all of us right now is… is to take our time. Tomorrow might be the last day on the earth for any of us. So don’t waste the chance as we might as well not see each other…”

As the last words left Rick’s mouth, you felt a lump in your throat. The reality of what was to come hit you again, and you struggled to hold back tears. But Rick was right after all. Tomorrow you won’t have enough time to say goodbye to your loved ones. Tomorrow you won’t have time to cry or to be sorry for not being here with them.  You smirked as you remembered the story Rick told your people years ago from now. That was a story of his veteran grandad, who somehow made it out alive during the war. And now you distinctly remembered Rick repeating his grandpa’s words: “Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war”. The trick was simple: you do what you gotta do, no exceptions.

People were slowly rising from their spots. Whispering and muttering filled the silence in the room. You also stood up from your spot and headed off to the group of familiar faces. For the past several months you became close with many people, building a strong bond with them. These people were now your sisters and brothers. From what was just a small group of people, constantly distrusting and suspecting each other, you came to having all these people around and calling them your family. Losing any of them would destroy you, so you just kept trying to push those thoughts at the back of your mind. At least for now, to enjoy what could be the last peaceful moments your people could share. There wasn’t a way to get prepared for another loss.  

Soon enough you left the group of men you were speaking to. You quietly chuckled and shook your head. Even in times like these, some of them were able to slightly let their guard down, laughing and remembering better times. That lightened your mood a little bit.

You spotted Rick talking to a man not far from where you were standing. The leader looked aside just for a moment to share a short nod with you. The intensity of his sight made your muscles tense. You turned away and let a shaky sight. Your nerves were already to the limits. You couldn’t let yourself even think about another day. Much to your luck, studying the place, you spotted another figure in the farthest corner. Something about the man’s posture made you smile. He was sitting on a container, his back facing you, looking through the dusty window.

“Hey, Dixon,” you smirked as you approached the man. “Nice view, huh?”

A quiet snort came as a reply. Daryl side-glanced you.

You coughed awkwardly, “A'right, listen here, you know, sometimes you are a true asshole, Daryl Dixon. You’d better work on that attitude of yours towards people.” you chuckled softly, not looking at the man. “Thank you though, you know… for saving my ass countless times. I appreciate that, really. I-I…”

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Huh?” you didn’t catch up to the question at first, being deep in your thoughts. Daryl’s hoarse voice brought you back to reality.

“Whatcha doing’?” Daryl was looking at you with squinty eyes.

“Well, you heard the boss,” you shook your head in Rick’s direction. “Might as well not see you again tomorrow… Thought I might use the chance to thank you.”

“Ya ain’t tellin’ goodbye, aren’t ya?”

“Daryl…” you protested but were cut off.

“Stop it, Y/N, ya don’ get to tell that. We all gonna be just fine, promise. M’ gonna keep ya safe.”

Daryl’s voice was gruff from the cigarettes. Just recently you couldn’t even imagine having that warm feeling every time you heard his voice. Now, you knew exactly what it meant. Daryl’s voice meant safety. It meant home.

“Daryl, stop it.”

“Nah, whatcha telling ’s stupid.”

“You can’t protect me, alright?” you snapped, suddenly feeling exhausted. You shook your head, still avoiding looking at Daryl. “Look, there’s no way everyone’s coming home. What we… what they started here, it won’t end without blood. People are gonna die. And we can’t be sure… So please, don’t say it like that, okay?”

Daryl was quiet. He was studying your face but didn’t say anything. He surely could see how tired you were after all. He could always read you like an open book. Just a certain look or gesture could tell him about your mood at the moment. And now, he could see that as well. You were barely holding on.

“Y/N…”

“I just… I just don’t wanna give myself hope, you know?” you mumbled. “I don’t wanna make it look like I’m not afraid. I’m terrified, Daryl. And I came to say goodbye because I felt like… I felt like if I don’t, I won’t later…” you lowered your voice, feeling as your eyes were now filled with tears.                                         Daryl shifted a little bit to place a hand on your cheek. The touch gave you the shudders. It was almost electric but at the same time so tender, that it made it even harder for you to hold back tears. Everything went still for a moment. You were looking back at the man in front of you, fighting back the urge to start crying.                                                                                                                   You were always afraid of dying. The end of the world just made your fear stronger. Dead people were walking, and if you died, you sure as hell were going to end like one of them. Unless someone else would put you out of your misery. But worse than that, worse than walkers and the constant fear, was watching other people die. Every new death was ripping your heart apart, making it even harder to breathe. And the thing was, you never get to be ready to lose someone else. And now, with the war and too many things being put at stake, you couldn’t let yourself be selfish and be hopeful enough to be sure to walk the other day next to your friends and family.

You sobbed quietly and tried to smile, “No chick flick moments, huh?”

Daryl moved his hand and slowly stood from his seat, his eyes never leaving yours. “Why don’t we make it all cozy in here then, mh? We’re going to kick some bad guys in the balls tomorrow and I sure as hell don’t wanna be sleepy and all.”

You were trying to joke to ease the tension between the two of you that suddenly became way too uncomfortable. You weren’t that stupid to think that you’d be sleepy during the battle. But taking a good sleep still was the priority. With that, you turned around and headed off to the place you were sitting before. Previously, Rick insisted on taking stuff to this warehouse in case you were about to spend some time here. Among all the ammo and meds, there were clothes and blankets, that apparently were taken here by other women. If it wasn’t for the end of the world and the war coming, this might be a nice sleepover.

The night was definitely getting colder but thanks to the flannel and a leather jacket you were wearing, you weren’t really cold. So instead of taking a blanket to yourself, you passed it to Maggie, stopping by her side and slightly patting her shoulder. Maggie and you had already exchanged a few words before coming to this place. She smiled at you softly, gently touching and squeezing your hand on her shoulder.

Back at the place you were sitting before, you lent on a wall, bending your legs and hiding your head in the hands. An obnoxious feeling filled your heart. Your anxiety found its way to your throat making you breathe heavily. You didn’t exactly know how much time passed by when you felt someone moving next to you. Daryl lightly patted you on your back, making you sit up straight.

“Come ‘ere” he rasped out.

You moved and positioned yourself between Daryl’s legs, leaning back on his broad chest. You could feel the warmth radiating from his body through the layers of clothes, which instantly made your heart beating faster. Daryl hugged you from behind, letting his arms lay on your stomach.

“Ya know, ya pain in the ass sometimes too.”

You chuckled to yourself, closing your eyes and letting Daryl’s steady breath soothe you.

“But you still love me,” you placed your arms over his.

“Yeah, well, ya mine pain in the ass, woman.”

Daryl scoffed and, you were sure, rolled his eyes. This man couldn’t stop making you grin. You were already dozing off when Daryl placed a gentle kiss on top of your head.

“Ain’t gonna let anything happen to ya. But ’m not goin’ to say goodbye either.”

Terrible things were about to happen. And then you will need all your strength to fight them back.  But for now, everything that mattered was this exact moment. Your family was here, sleeping, curled next to each other, taking in last hours of peace before the break of dawn. And nothing else mattered.

[leviathan-supersystem]

what is lesswrong and can you summarize why it's bad? I'm new to the term and Google results are kinda vague

it’s the blog joined at the hip with MIRI, the machine intelligence research research institute, which is a weird-ass AI doomsday cult which is seems grimes has gotten mixed up with. you know roko’s basilisk? that’s them. 

anyways to save time i’m going to copy-paste an earlier response to this kind of question from this post:

so have you ever seen someone saying in their blog description that they’re a “rationalist”? well that’s the self-descriptor used by people who come from a site called “lesswrong.com,” which is run by a guy named Eliezer Yudkowsky, and which purports to teach people the methods of “bayesian rationalism,” which is basically just a method to pretend you’re using math to help make your decisions, but since it involves guesstimating the probabilities you’re calculating, it’s not noticeably any better than just guessing without math. the whole thing traces it’s roots back to the site Overcoming Bias, which was wirtten by Eliezer and a man named Robin Hanson, who was involved in several Bush-era scandals [link]. going back further, the community can be traced to the Extropians, a techno-libertarian group from the 90′s.

oh, also Eliezer wrote a terrible Harry Potter fanfiction to promote bayesian “rationality” as well, called “Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.”

anyways, aside from teaching people bayesian “rationality,” lesswrong is also an extension of MIRI, or the Machine Intelligence Research Institute, which is based around the idea that we are inevitably headed toward the creation of an all-powerful computer dictator, and that the only course of action is to make sure that we create a good computer dictator, and not a bad one. the whole thing has a decidedly quasi-religious undercurrent, and at one point that undercurrent burst through to the surface in the creation of Roko’s Basilisk, which was when someone on the site posited that when the all-powerful computer dictator comes into being, it will eternally punish anyone who didn’t do enough to help it come into being by donating to MIRI, so to avoid being punished forever people should donate as much as possible to MIRI, like some kind of modern incarnation of Pascals wager. while most of them don’t still subscribe to this belief, a small percentage of them do.

at any rate, besides the bad logic and AI worship, they also have really shitty politics- Eliezer Yudkowsky is a right-wing libertarian, as is Scott Alexander, who runs the closely related site SlateStarCodex. among the other nonsense, they both constantly try to use their sites to try to sell right-wing libertarianism to moderate progressives, perhaps most explictly in the slatestarcodex post “Right is the New Left”[link] which is basically dedicated to trying to convince progressive liberals that they should shift politically rightward and become libertarians. there are a whole bunch of really shitty conceptual frameworks they’ve come up with as part of this, including the “blue tribe/red tribe/grey tribe” framework, which is this really weak shoddy framework based around broad stereotypes about left-leaning people being snooty wealthy cosmopolitan democrats, right-wing people being simple working class rural people, and techno-libertarians being smart free-thinking genuises, and trying to use this framework as a sales pitch for libertarianism. probably the best illustration of how the concept is used by people in that community as a sales pitch for libertarianism is this post by pax-dickinson [link]. the fact that lower-income people actually lean leftward, thus contradicting their whole framework, doesn’t seem to phase them. you can straight up show them the statistics and they’ll still insist that it’s the gospel truth that left-wingers are all snooty rich whole-foods shoppers.

at any rate, besides being partially an effort by libertarians to recruit progressives and shift them rightward, the whole thing is funded personally by wealthy right-wing CEO Peter Thiel, who is known for his various statements about how democracy should be abolished and women should have never been given the vote, as well as his association with the neofascist alt-right sub-movement “NeoReaction,” specifically Mencius Moldbug, who Peter Thiel is also funding.

the sad thing is that Eliezer Yudkowsky doesn’t even seem to realize the extent of what Peter Thiel is using him to achieve by shifting people’s politics further rightward. Eliezer was shocked, for instance, when Peter Thiel endorsed Trump, instead of Gary Johnson.

so basically the lesswronger community is liberals being played like suckers by right-wing libertarians who are being played like suckers by neofascists. chain of fools.

as a result of this, the lesswronger community exemplify everything rancid about liberalism. very “the free market is sacred!” type politics. very “but fascists have feelings too!” type politics. people who think of themselves as progressive, but actually act in every capacity toward supporting right-wing causes.

which brings us to how I first encountered them

so i was just minding my own business, being a communist, saying unkind things about fascists on the world wide web, when these dipshits started dogpiling me and my friends for being communists, and saying unkind things about fascists, and screaming at us that we’re evil and stupid, etc.

but of course, then when we responded to these critiques, and offered our own critiques of the politics of lesswrong, they absolutely lost their shit, and acted like the victims.

also when i pointed out that one of their dear friends was in fact Wesley Eugene Rian, better known by his nom-de-blog Nydwracu, a well-known neoreactionary and utter piece of shit, and that this was perhaps relevant information to the debate, they similarly lost their shit, accusing me of victimizing him, since apparently being a prominent neofascist theorist is just “words on the internet” but me pointing out that someone is a neofascist theorist is terrible and dangerous. Nydwracu, incidentally, still engages in all the kind of douchebaggery you would expect, including recently trying to create a media hoax framing someone for murder [link]. the lesswrongers will constantly make excuses for this, and say the real bad guys are the leftists, and if they were just nicer to Nydwracu, he wouldn’t even be “fascist-ing on the internet” [link]. this of course is bullshit.

EDIT: oh, also, i almost forgot- around this time the lesswrongers began shipping me with nydwracu. like in the fandom sense. they came up with a name for the ship and everything. it was really really really really really creepy.

anyways, in spite of their constant whining about how left-wingers need to be more “charitable” toward right-wingers in debates, the lesswrongers themselves have absolutely atrocious conduct in debates, are extremely prone to flying off the handle and acting like assholes. anyways here’s some posts where i got trapped in debates with these assholes which pretty much sum up what they’re all about:

(links for desktop): [link] [link] [link] [link] [link]

(links for mobile): [link] [link] [link] [link] [link]

Addendum: you can also get a feel for the overall vibe of the community by checking out the reddit board r/slatestarcodex, which is a board for fans of the blog slate star codex, which spun off from lesswrong. you can also check out it’s rival community r/sneerclub, (name’s a joking reference to a post Yudkowsky made whining about people who didn’t like his harry potter fanfic) which is for critics and ex-members of the community, and has case after case documented of former members burning out under the weight of the overwhelming right-wing bias of the community beneath their thin pretense of “neutrality”.

[jlf23tumble]

1D Day, Hour One

God only knows what this hellscape will look like on December 18, so if I’m gonna recap each hour of 1D Day, I might as well do it now, eh?? 1D Day is a gift that none of us really deserved, and yeah, it has a ton of shitty moments, but much like X Factor itself, the true gem is Louis Tomlinson and how much he runs this entire show (and lbr, the band itself), Jesus, god, do I love him.

Anyway, 1D Day aired 7 hours of live content on November 23, 2013 to promote Midnight Memories, and yes, yes, we’ve all seen the gifsets, but like anything else with this band, it’s tremendously better in context. I watched this whole thing a couple of years ago, when I first got into this fandom, but I didn’t know all of the dynamics then, so it’s extra fascinating to me now. We’ve all binged worse shit than this that took way longer, and I promise you won’t regret an hour a night for a week--but if you’d rather read my hot take, here you go, under the cut! Note: these are really shitty screengrabs, and for that, I am truly sorry.

A horrible announcer introduces the D by saying they weigh in at a collective 792 pounds, and all I can wonder is does this mean they have daily weigh-ins, why is it that specific? This focus on their weight is just gross to me. C’mon, writers, you’re better than this (j/k, you aren’t).

The three-foot bubble between Louis and Harry is established pretty early on, with Harry doing the prettiest sitting in all the land before bolting to his feet immediately because Louis happened to walk by his couch. A very real question: Was this bubble a requirement that Ben Winston constantly whispers into their headpieces, or did sbb decide, hey, let’s make it obvious that we have to CONSTANTLY adjust where we stand, even if it’s two feet away because that’s not enough room for Jesus?

There are some truly hilarious guest “stars” to announce, the first being the giant video head of David Beckham, which pops up and immediately starts speaking, so we're already off to the races with a) fuckups and b) Louis’s annoyance at said fuckups.

Liam takes a good hard look at his future:

Harry isn’t allowed to gaze at Becks, he’s off by the listening booth, which is a giant red call box because they’re Briddish, pip pip, cheerio. Unrelated, but I low-key feel like Harry's coked up or else really taking the piss with all his “LIVE BANDDDDDDD,” JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!,” etc., not to mention how fast he’s speaking, the way he grinds on the guitarist’s lap while Louis fonds at the sky, and all the yelling with arms aloft.

The best part of the rundown of the guest “stars” (or breast stars, if you’re Niall) is that we’re only in the first 10 minutes, so everyone’s giving it a go, but then we get to Mr. Simon Cowell, and Niall claps five times to stony silence (me as Harry constantly staring at Louis from three feet away):

Piers Morgan comes out to describe the “grilling” he’s going to give them later, all angry—genuinely angry—that they’re trending on twitter because they keep saying that he smells. And they don’t stop, even here, they keep yelling, “What’s that smell? You stink, etc.,” and he’s such a dick that I want to bottle this moment and spritz it around my house daily.

This mild trash talking continues, with Piers promising “tears from Piers,” but Slytherin Niall pulls the fingernail out of his mouth, smiles that sneaky smile, and says, “Yeah, but this isn’t Piers Morgan Day, is it, this is 1D Day,” and I want a transcript because there’s so much talking, but all of it trashes Piers, and god, I love my sons.

Anyway, they keep winding Piers up (Piers: “I’m going to find out what you’re most embarrassed about,” Liam: “The way you smell,” Piers, genuinely in a rage: “Don’t say that”), and he keeps talking about how he’s interviewed heads of state, etc., the implication being that this is below him, but Niall counters that Oprah and Barbara Walters have, too, and they would have much preferred Oprah, to the point where Piers admits they couldn’t afford Oprah (lmaooooooo). 

We move on to Harry, spinning a twitter wheel that means they’ll follow whoever it lands on, which seems like a cute idea. I’m guessing it’s the official twitter handle?? I don’t know or actually care!

Louis can’t read the teleprompter, and he mutters later that it’s because it makes no sense rather than being too hard to actually see, but me as Niall, already yawning at the 25-minute mark (the bubble is preserved, though, whew):

I’m guessing Scott Mills is the “host” of this show because he comes out with a stick (??) and an agenda (Scott’s no Dermot…he has a face for radio, as they used to say back in the day). This whole section just features a lot of Harry and his pinned sleeves staring at Louis, and honestly relatable:

The next task is toilet paper roll stacking, with two judges from the Guinness Book of World Records on hand to see if this band of hyenas can beat the current world record and stack 28 (!!!!) rolls in 30 seconds. Two reasons to love Louis: he interrupts this idiocy to ask, “How did you two get into this, is this a full-time job you do every day?” (I was wondering the exact same thing), and this is his face for this challenge:

Sadly, they fail, and Harry’s the one who has to tell the judges, “Well, sorry for wasting your time!” with a cheery wave from the ladder. Uh oh, though, the bubble, we’re at two feet:

Much better!

This is still too close for Ben Winston’s comfort, so we split up the teams in what feels like a college course with a lot of money to run fake broadcasting drills. Zouis gets to report from the field, with some tweet rapping; the weather guy, sports guy, and lead broadcaster experience some technical difficulties, prompting Harry’s infamous, “SOMETHING’S GONE WRONG,” and we’re off to Poland:

For a production company that seems hell bent on “no homo,” there are lots of things that raise my brows, like this big “handsome” (Harry’s words) he-man who’s going to pull a “boohs” full of 1D fans over a line, so the boys have to guess how long it’s going to take him…by writing all over his mostly nude body (I’m the eye contact that Harry and Louis maintain during this):

Dude pulls the boohs successfully, so yay! Next up is Wrong Direction, the world’s worst lookalikes (HONESTLY, I’m embarrassed for everyone in this segment on Hollywood Blvd: the idiots who are “fooled” by this, the guys themselves and the low-key insult of it all, myself because this went on for way too long):

I’ll spare everyone the individual matchups because yike, but the real Wrong Direction comes to the studio, with all the guys dressed up like their matches, and the real D is polite, albeit mildly “wtf are we supposed to do about this” (me, too, Zayn). Points to Harry for at least trying to strike up some conversation: “Did you have foon, acting like us?” We’re supposed to vote for the best one on Google+ (lolololololol).

Scott takes two girls who look like they’re legit about to pass out into the red call box so they can be the first people to listen to the new album. While they listen to something none of us can hear, we get some VT (that’s “videotape,” god, I hate the whole lingo lesson we got earlier) of Spain and some fans, all of which feels like lengthy filler. I feel for the people Scott mentions as being asleep during this because there is a LOT of fill. Maybe make this shit shorter, just a suggestion!

Next up is Jamie Scott from his home somewhere in the middle of the night; he wrote most of Midnight Memories along with Louis and Liam, and he gives them an 8.5 in terms of how they did on a scale of 1-10 (and that’s AFTER Louis insults his pillows with the alphabet on them, “In case you forget”). There’s a lot of Lilo hand-shaking in celebration, and some enthusiastic clapping from Harry (a little too enthusiastic…I’m gonna imagine that someone tells him to tone it down in his earpiece because he looks around quite a bit):

A few things happen that don’t really interest me: the first listen of “Through the Dark” (this is skipped in the vid), a remote report from Radio Disney (Harry: “HOLLYWOODDDDDD!”) and a fan who wins the chance to come visit them later in the day, and then we’re back to Scott, who looks exhausted, and it’s only been 40 minutes.

All is not lost, because the next VT is the totally unnecessary yet extremely vital coverage of the D’s exercise regime. I’ve seen so many gifsets of hottttt and sweaty Lirry, but you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Niall’s American accent while he stretches: “Welcome to my workout dvd! I’ll be with you for the next 45 minutes to  give you the lowdown of how I stay in shape.” PLEASE @ NIALL, DO THIS.

I really WANT to be Harry and effortlessly pump out pushups, but in reality I’m Zouis, popping some robot dance moves and drinking Red Bull. The weird shorthand throughout this is that Liam is an animal (Ziam + a whip = fire), Harry’s into flirty sexercise, Niall wants an arse like Kim K’s, Zayn’s a slender boxer, and Louis…just fucks around? Missed opp for footie Louis.

The first performance is “Story of My Life,” and we’ve all seen it before, but godDAMN, Zayn sings like an angel. Lots of technical problems in the audio, prompting quite a few Louis/Harry hand gestures, but still, in spite of it all, they sound amazing individually and together.

Even local asshole Piers Morgan is impressed, as he comes out to tell them that they were surprisingly good, along with a bunch of other neg bullshit. This is another one of those segments that it pays to watch the whole clip of, and Jesus, do I want a transcript. They head over to the couches, and Piers points at Louis and says, “You have the most reason to be nervous,” but Louis’s like, “Yeah, but I’m not,” and wow, #goals.

Everyone gets a couch, and the upshot is that Piers is a terrible egoist who thinks he’s a fantastic interviewer, but he really isn’t…all the questions are shit, and these five eat him alive. Everything he asks falls flat, and it’s so masterfully, subversively handled, from Louis’s iconic “define girlfriends” (and the underappreciated attempt by Harry to define it for Piers later: “Like in primary school, if you hold hands with a girl and you're eight, is that a girlfriend?”) to the obsession with smells (Piers asking Niall, “Why do you always smell,” claiming it’s a fan’s question, and Niall answering that it’s because he had colic as a child, so can only fart; Piers asking Zayn, “Who stinks the worst,” and Zayn saying that they all smell quite good, actually) to Piers demanding to see Zayn’s tattoo and relentlessly attacking him for it being a gun (Louis keeps interjecting that it’s a watergun, but go off I guess, paraphrasing).

But the best is always Louis. “What’s the weirdest thing a girl has done to impress you?” “Tweeted Piers Morgan.” Later, he says pointblank to Piers, “You do stink.” But then…but THEN, it’s the Four interview 1.0, only instead of Ben trying to get Louis to deny gay rumors, it’s Piers, who does it twice: “What’s the one rumor you wouldn’t want to hear about yourself?” Louis’s answer: “That I’m not good at football.” “Are you good?” “No….I just wouldn’t want it confirmed.” Piers tries AGAIN: “What’s the worst thing you’ve had to read about yourself?” but Louis turns it around and says he hates reading about one of the other boys being dead (!).

Because he’s the worst, Piers takes it to the ladies and asks how many girlfriends they’ve had and how many times they’ve kissed a girl. Harry says he’s kissed 8 ladies (which prompts a good scoff out of Zayn), and everyone else says 5 or 6, 3 or 4, etc., with Louis declaring he’s only had one proper relationship (no genders mentioned), so maybe 2 (lmaooooo). Piers gets all excited that he’s kissed more girls than this hot boyband has, and I wanna say, you’re almost there, “friend”…keep working it through.

There’s more antics w/r/t Piers, like his poor 2YO daughter crying, and him trying to blame it on Harry Styles not answering her dad’s sex questions or stupid questions about embarrassing things they’ve caught the others doing, and yeah, I don’t think they’ll get into the big ot5 gang bang on live TV, but ask anyway, I guess?

The last person to suffer sitting next to Piers is Liam, and I love him always, but especially for saying, “How’s it going there, stinky?” when Piers takes a seat to ask him why he’s so sexy. Piers tries to “joke” that the sexy question is for him, but nobody says anything, and then he asks Liam AGAIN before admitting that it’s a shitty question, so then he asks about them all wearing tight jeans, and godddddd, why does anyone let him interview anyone?? 

The good news is that Piers can tell he lost, so as he tells them that he thinks they’re pretty okay, actually, but, “You’ve gotta stop calling me stinky,” and you know they never will.

Scott says it might feel like much longer, but it’s only been an hour, and Zayn’s lookalike won, so we can all rest easy. This hour closes with a review of the highlights, and it’s ham-fisted and awful. Shocking!!!!

I can’t do one of these every single day, but I’ll do hour two sometime soon! Hope you enjoyed this, @justlarried, lol!