#I’ll think of something hold up
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if you took a bad enough hit while dao rock armour was active, could you have scars from blunt force trauma that spiderweb like cracks in stone
#i should be so fucking asleep right now but hear me out. minerva. landsmeet duel. loghain has shield bash. do you hear what im saying#i was thinking about magical scars for him actually#but that fucking armour. you have to cook him in it like a lobster in its shell#sometimes i think mages are overpowered for that fight realistically#and then i remember those close quarters and how fucking massive i think he is#he’s like a foot and a half taller than minerva. crikey#okay im saying fuck a lot but the crikey is a sign. need to sleep. need to sleep#but minerva literally cracked open during the landsmeet divorce#and only afterwards when nobody is watching letting her skin turn back from stone#holds it for so long that wynne can’t fix it clean#loghain SHOULD have a scar too for matchie matchies#its crushing prison she usually uses. crumpling that man like a tin can#that could fuck you up. less visible though. i’ll workshop#i dont think shed get enough of a grip to pull off something like#a handprint burn#maybe a slice across the cheek from a blade of ice#i’ll workshop. i’ll workshop. goodnight
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Sometimes I get jump scared by my own art, but like in a good way?
I’ll open up the drawing program and my latest art will be pop up and I’ll be like ?????? I MADE THAT???
#sometimes it’s in a bad way#but most of the time I’m just so flabbergasted that I can think about things and then draw them I could hold up something that is probably#awful and be like THIS IS CRAZY I CAN DRAW THINGS??? and be proud of myself anyways and so I’ll take it lol#art stuff
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holy fucking shit
#yes this is about roots I’m ok I’m ok I just realized something#you know it’s bad when I start unapologetically swearing hold on there’s no way#ok so pausing everything immediately. the page I’m missing might actually be incredibly fucking important#and the only way I’ll be able to get it is to ask the author#and I don’t want to fucking bother them AGAIN holy shit#it’s really lucky that you guys are here to witness me freaking out abt roots in real time#just a glimpse into my twisted mind#actually trembling this can’t be happening#breaking fucking news local person hyperfixates#I fuckinh think the page I’m missing might have the answer to something I thought was a loose end#gonna throw up holy SHIT this can’t be happening not today#I might be tripping (I probably am) but oh no oh no oh no#I am okay trust me I am just not normal#I’m having a joker moment rn#we live in a society damn it
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Told my boss that NO I cannot take over customer phone calls because my anxiety will literally not be able to take it. And I’m being SO brave about it,
#I say this as I’m sitting here shaking and on the verge of having an anxiety attack. AHA#Shima speaks#She called me yesterday morning and was like. Hey your coworker is drowning and I KNOW you hate phone calls#But she really needs help#And I was like. Yeah okay. Maybe I can do this.#Fast forward to last night. I’m in bed hyperventilating bc no I CANNOT do this#My mental health has already been Bad for the past few months bc I’m already working overtime for this job#And now to take on the One thing I generally get anxious about? Bro. It’s gonna kill me. 100% no exaggeration#So I called my boss this morning and was like hi I’m so sorry I said I would but I actually can’t. I deadass had an anxiety attack#just THINKING about it last night#And she was like omg no I get it. I have anxiety too I know what it’s like. It’s debilitating sometimes#So she said I didn’t have to do the phone calls and now I’m like YIPPEE#And she said hey that was a really brave thing to do. Speaking up like that and making it clear when you’re not comfortable with something#Me still shaking and holding back tears: Thank you I’m being SO brave about this rn#Anyway I’m still coming down from the near panic attack I had before I called her to tell her lmao#It’s been a rough 24 hours. I’m fine (lying)#I’ll BE fine now that I don’t have to talk to angry customers on the phone tho 🥰
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Tell me a Story
Inspired by @llondonfog post and the comment section of that post of Silver being Lilia’s original son 500 years ago but lost him due to the war that happened between Briar Valley and a neighbouring human kingdom. He finds him again 500 years later reborn as an abandoned human child and names him Silver and takes him in.
“What’s true Malleus?” he asked.
“I heard rumours that you used to have a son,” Malleus answered.
Ah, that.
Lilia hummed sadly. “Well, I shouldn’t be hiding the truth from the crown prince now should I?”
“Is it true?” The dragon fae prodded again.
Lilia only could pause before answering, saddened at the reminder that he used to have a son. “Yes. It is true. I did use to have a son.”
“What happened to him?” The younger fae asked.
“Hmm…you know, he would be older than you and you would have an older brother,” Lilia said teasing him.
The crown prince huffed. “That didn’t answer my question.”
Lilia stared at him and Malleus saw for a second a hint of sadness behind those blood-red eyes before he hid the sadness. “Why don’t I tell you a story?”
‘Once upon a time, there was a vampire. He was a cautious creature but had recently been blessed with something.
A child.
He adored his child so much. Even as a vampire, he was usually alone but now he had a son by his side to keep him company.
Then the vampire was called away. It was to assist in a war between a human kingdom and the fae kingdom he lived in. He went away leaving his son behind, promising him that he’ll come back.
As the war waged on, the vampire became one of the most decorated war generals and was hailed as a hero.
One day as the war continued to wage on, he went home briefly to visit his son.
One mustn’t forget that you will make many enemies during a war.
The vampire forgot.
When he returned home, he found his home burnt to a crisp. And what of his son? He found his son dead, impaled by a spear covered in iron.’
The young dragon fae widened his eyes as he made a realization of what happened to his mentor’s son.
Lilia could only nod sadly as he was reminded of the events that separated him from his son forever.
The fae general had just returned to his home to visit his son before he was whisked away by war. What he hadn’t expected was his home collapsed sustaining burns. He could only stare in shock for a few seconds before rushing in when he realized his son was most likely still in there.
He searched nonstop in the pile of burnt wood and broken furniture desperate to find his beloved son.
Then he finally found him. Not in a state that he would like him to be.
He uncovered the last of the fallen debris that was covering his son. The first thing he saw was the spear impaling his son. The spear was covered in iron.
His heart dropped.
“No…no…no…” Lilia muttered. He felt himself going into a state of shock to see his fallen son in a state like this.
He took the spear impaling his son, giving himself small burns and cradled his child in his arms.
He felt tears falling down his face. Strange. he did rarely cry. He continued to cry as the reality that his son was dead finally hit him.
Soon later on he would build a grave for his son. As he stared at the buried body, he said. “I’ll find you again. Be it five hundred years or even one thousand.” His voice cracked. “My beloved son, I know we will meet again.”
“Papa that’s such a sad story.” Silver said with a frown.
“Perhaps it was.”
“Do you think the father and son finally met each other again?” his son asked.
“...perhaps they did.”
“Then they’re living a very happy life then.” Silver concluded happily.
Lilia thought back to when he found Silver. An abandoned human baby alone in the woods. He stared at the child of man until he opened his eyes. They were an auroral colour. He recognized those eyes anywhere. His son five hundred years ago had only one difference from him. That difference was his eyes, they weren’t a blood-red colour but an auroral colour.
Lilia smiled at his human son. “Yes, they are very happy.”
#twst silver#silver twst#lilia vanrouge#twisted wonderland#silver twisted wonderland#twst#lilia twst#inspired#I did say I was gonna draw something from seeing a tumblr post#but then I couldn’t figure out what to draw#and ended up writing something up#because @llondonfog post#made me think more#like imagine silver being Lilia’s og son#then dying and then reborn??!#my heart#red string of fate but family??#yes yes yes I love that#I’ll go scream to the void as I continue thinking abt Lilia and silver and there father and son dynamic#hold them in my hands#you see I love them#their little found family#I wanna squish them#their dynamic uuuueuooo#never recovering#selkiewrites
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okay so I’m thinking yknow like vampires. Vampires are undead so if they die then I don’t think they could leave a ghost. But werewolves? Werewolves are just people who got cursed furry style. They still have souls. If a werewolf died I think they could totally play by the usual ghost rules of violent deaths and unfinished business etc. so then I’m wondering, if a werewolf dies and leaves a ghost, is that ghost still a werewolf, or did dying break the curse? Cause like. Imagine. Youre a ghost but you still turn into a wolf every full moon. And your wolf sona is just out there acting an undead fool once a month. So anyway let me set the scene. Old house, next to some woods. The locals say some old loner died out there in mysterious circumstances. A couple moves in, they’re so optimistic. It’s so scenic. What a lovely private piece of land. Only… ah. It’s got a bit of a wolf problem. Oh well it’s the woods they expected some wildlife to come with that. But then,, hmm. The house might be haunted too? Yikes. Now this couple will soon discover that on the bright side, these two big issues are actually only one big issue. Unfortunately that one issue is a werewolf ghost.
#werewolves#ghost#and like I must emphasise that this is a comedy story#the couple are the working class pragmatic sort. not spiritual or superstitious in the least#they try out all the normal methods of dealing with pests and wolves and old creepy houses first#a local animal expert ranger guy gets called in because the couple is like we have a wolf problem please help and the ranger dude is like#welp you live where the wolves live so that’s on you tbh. but this is weird wolf behaviour so I’ll check it out#and then he comes up and he’s like I think the wolves around here on drugs actually#when the couples exausted their reasonable ideas they’re like :/ welp. time to call an exorcist#guess it’s time to call an exorcist#the ranger sticks around even after it turns out to not be real wolves cause he’s professionally interested in the fact it’s a werewolf#the nearest exorcist is like a day away so there’s various cuts to this priest or whatever driving to the middle of rural now where#and he’s keeps getting into mishaps along the road#like his car breaks down#he hits a deer and then holds a mini funeral and service for the deer#mayeb the deer turns into a ghost and follows him on his way to the werewolf ghost#thatd be something right#when he gets there he’s sprinkling the holy water and doing the chants#and it’s not working but they can tell something is up#they try to use a ouija board but it just keeps saying Awoooo#so then the couple and the exorcise call in one of those people who hold seances#and the werewolf is just like my fucking guy you don’t think I’ve been through this before?#i had people trying to exorcise me while I was alive man!#please picture the werewolf man saying that with a heavy New Yorker accent#oh but it’s important to note that this is not taking place in the US#I am picturing this being set in Italy. in like the Alps or something#I think it being set in Italy gives a certain catholic pizzazz to the ghost aspect#the alps have wolves I looked it up to double check#it wouldn’t have mattered to me if there weren’t wolves that would have just added to the comedy#but there are apparently 900 wolves in the Alps
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I started reading this like 4 days ago, time has blurred together. I have not slept over 5 and a half hours of sleep in that time, I had to get up at 6 for something and was going 'just one more chapter' several times until it was 2am. The only thing that I can think about is LIAB, I am quickly losing my sanity to Zukka and the prison camp. I came here for a fun time, a good time and the sheer amount of angst that I had heard this had. And, I was certainly not lied to.
I am the type of person to read hard core angst. Impaling, torture , doesn't even phase me anymore (bit concerning but ignore that), I have taken to the blank word document to get that sinking, queasy feeling when the angst gets really hard core. First few chapters of this had me captivated and then Zuko came into it, *Chefs kiss*
I can't read long fics because I don't have the attention span, but for this I make an exception, also if you read it all in like 4 days the attention span doesn't have time to run out! I am on the 3 part, chapter 2 and I actively plan to binge read it tonight. Do I have school in the morning? Yes. Am I still going to stay up until 1 in the morning reading this and make up for my lack of sleep with caffeine? Also yes.
I really hope that Jet dies in this, I hope that he has a really anti-climatic death as well, like he falls off a slightly too high ledge. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE gets to separate MY GAYS LIKE THAT BECAUSE HE JUST HAD TO TELL FONG THAT ZUKO WAS AT THE BLOODY CAMP!
and the Forest Lesbians, may they live forever in the local folk lore about two witches that lived the forest and used the power of being gay to cure people.
thank you for writing this, it has really made me happy reading this even though my favourite gays are getting traumatised (more traumatised than usual for Zuko). I have only been reading this, my friends are concerned about me since I don't think I have willingly left the house in... *looks down at fingers, realises I don't have enough fingers to count this* umm... too long!
*holds your hands* how are you doing friend??
your ask had me both nervous and excited haha & the greatest thing about responding to this a few days late is that you’ve probably finished it by now haha. I feel sorry for your sleep schedule but I also don’t feel bad haha <3
I’m glad LIAB met your expectations in the angst, it’s probably one of the more angsty/ darker zukka fics & it’s probably going to get worse lol. (Not for zukka specifically, everyone gets to join this time) But you’ll see… if I can hold your attention until the end haha.
as for your Jet thoughts I’m sure you found out what happened to him by now ;) <3
thanks for this amazing ask seriously you’re great & you deserve to get yourself a treat for taking the time to send me this haha YOURE AWESOMEEEEEE
#I always get nervous when I get long asks#I think I have negative comment PTSD or something haha#I’ll get an ao3 comment or tumblr ask and I get all nervous like OH NO THEYRE GOING TO CRITICIZE MEEEEEEEE#& then it’s really nice and I feel SILLY#anyway yeahhhh I’m sure LIAB is one of the more darker zukka fics lol#I say that casually but also warn the shit out of people in the tags#I don’t want anyone to ever get triggered#Because I do think people sometimes don’t take tags seriously#But I’m glad you liked it so much you got all the way to the third book#You’re seriously amazing for reading all thay#I wrote all of it and I don’t even wanna read it all haha#I had to go searching for something the other day and I had to like suit up to dive into all that and find my fact#I’m very serious about connecting facts haha#I may have foreshadowed something in chapter 2 book 1 that I’m holding onto for chapter 20 book 3 haha#I’m crazy sorry haha#Anywayyyy I’m curious if you did catch up#I’ve got another 20k chapter almost done lol#Well anyway THANKS FOR THE ASKKKK#LIAB#RIA#ITF#ask
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How do people do OCs, I can never get them to click properly
#i think i’m holding back too much the idea is there in my head#but when i’m drawing i’m conscious that i might want to share this stuff at some point so the whole time i’m thinking#about making a good design and i don’t want to give them anything vaguely similar to anyone else’s oc because i don’t want to step on toes#so they end up barely a visage of what i want to be creating#idkkk#the idea i have in my head is an oc who’s a horse girl LMAO their companion is a fathier who they have a very strong inseparable bond with#i am a lifelong horse person and i grew up reading pony club secrets and watching stuff like flicka so i feel like i can bring#something personal to that concept#but i don’t want them to be a mando. i don’t know much about mando culture and i cba to learn so that was the one i did not want hem to be#and yet. i can only imagine them with mandalorian armour#they’re the same species as dryden vos. there’s next to no lore on his species and they’re non human in a way that’s easy to draw#so i can just make stuff up and not be constrained by canon#them being near human is also relevant to their story. they spent a lot of time around humans and they’re close enough to human to get by#but not human enough that there’s something off. they don’t quite fit in and they always felt on the outside looking in#hence why they prefer the company of animals#maybe i’ll have them formerly working in fathier racing but that might be too projecty#this is so rambly i apologise i’ve been very talkative on here recently#ohh this is very off the cuff but maybe they’re the child of loyal mandalorians but never really subscribed to it themselves#having spent a lot of time around fathiers also meant they spent less time around mandalorians. so despite technically being mando#and wearing the armour they don’t really identify very strongly as a mandalorian
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okay but like I joke about how much I like fireknight and how it consumes so many of my waking thoughts but it actually does . it does so much to me. a lot of it was built through fanon and clinging onto scraps from the games bc i doubt devsis will ever let them interact again but they are like insane to me.
fire spirit’s weird relationship with affection and love is also part of why I like them so much yes that was the source of the divine visions earlier .
nobody look at the tags of this post.
#he’s not built to love or love normally but he wants to. “they say true love is like an eternal flame”#he has that as one of his dialouge lines and actually I’ll never shut up about it man he can pine so hard#but he doesn’t know what to DO with that pining because he IS the fire. he finds something he loves and he wants to consume it#make it a part of him. it’s like fuel to a fire. and a fire will not stop consuming that fuel until it’s all gone or until it’s forced away#he destroys what he loves because it’s in his nature. he causes the end of the world in two of his costumes#“I don't care if even I disappear. ... That might even be better.” hey man I hate you. get onto my writing pages#but anyway this changes in fireknight because while knight is this image of heroic values. he’s also protection#he’s loyalty until there’s nothing left of him to serve what he believes in. and even past that he will protect what he loves#where fire spirit is destruction. knight is preservation.#and fire spirit loves him. he loves him down to his very being and core and he wants to be with knight and make him his#and if knight reciprocates then he is the same. and that is terrifying for fire spirit#because if knight let him consume all there was of him then he would. and despite how he loves him and to love he causes destruction#he doesn’t want a world without him. so he pushes knight away#and he pushes too far despite how much he wishes to dig his claws into him and never let go. never be separated and to thrive with the fuel#and this hurts him. he’s without something to fuel him. he falls to ashes then painful flames then back to normal then over and over#and he tries to forget but he just wishes he could love normally. love something and not destroy it#love something that can be like an eternal flame. something that won’t be lost because he holds it#eventually I think he figures out how to deal with it more but since they met pretty early in fire spirits godhood (to me at least)#he doesn’t have any idea how to handle any of it at first#And he wants his knight back. he needs a ground to walk on#he claws and begs for something he himself pushed away#you can’t have your cake and eat it too#Knight is also a criminally insane homosexual but fire spirit takes it to unprecedented levels
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having shri’iia thoughts as one does bc GUESS who’s save file completely died when the new patch came out nooo we have to replay her again 🤭 alas. just stewing on the thought of how she never got to fuck her Mistress even though she wanted to…!!!! like she was out there getting psychologically tortured and mind broken but she was just like WHY won’t you fuck me im literally doing everything for you. which is so bad for her, woman who already has an excruciatingly low self worth because she missed the mark on the standard for lolth’s children (and that’s worse than not fitting in the standard at all) by something out of her own control btw (not being born in a noble house) but she’s been recognised and blessed by her goddess, and she’s been invited to join a drow house so everything should be good right?? she should be desirable right?? finally everything is correct and well and good and the way it should be right????? but no..!! it’s not..!! and so she’s doing everything for this woman, no dignity left, literally doing anything to get her approval, to be told that she’s finally enough, and she’s finally fitting in - and she gets it sometimes, she gets ignored most times tbh and it’s just this painful excruciating stew of self loathing and insecurity that she’s in, and she’s in there for a century but the thing is she can’t even give up. it’s not in her nature to. and she’s done too much to just give up , and she’s been doing this for a long time that she can’t give up and lolth didn’t raise no quitters so she sticks by it, trying to achieve that hopeless praise. but then one day she gets dropped like nothing, everything she’s done and suffered and worked towards and sacrificed gets thrown out bc her goddess isn’t pleased with her and good luck going home btw you’re not welcome here anymore bc ur pathetic. the rug gets pulled under her feet and she’s left in this strange world that she can barely navigate in let alone speak the language and u expect her to b fine with that…?
#I rlly want to. hmm maybe make a comic or draw something abt shri’iia in the tiefling party#^ bc that is the turmoil currently and she’s PANICKING …!!!!#but she can’t show it. she can’t give herself away. so she gets DRUNK. and she’s in her corner chugging down wine#also like the idea there that she undoes her braid bc her hands aren’t steady enough to put it back to her usual style#and maybe it keeps getting caught lol. so hair down shri’iia 🤭🥳 and her hair is wavy going down near her feet 🥳#hair down drunk shri’iia who looks like she’s having so much fun but if you look at her properly her eyes are rabid#and if u just watch her she’ll just stare at her hands with the most haunted expression#but if someone gets close to her she’ll go back to smiling and laughing and it’s so fun woohoo 🥳#but if someone invites her for a chat she doesn’t want that. just fuck her please the last woman she’s with never did even#though she always got her off. and when she does sleep someone she gets disarmed and bewildered that it’s mutual#and someone else makes her come after how many years#and that in itself is so dreadful that she can’t think about it so she’s like can you drain me again. like what u did before idc just go#for it idcccc and astarion is like. mid dissociating just going through his motions caught off guard bc this is the first time he’s#gonna be drinking someone and fucking them so . unsure what he feels about that chat let’s put a pin on it. does drink her albeit much more#demure than before. he doesn’t wanna go overboard. only doing What he Needs to Do. like hag romance first time rlly is about#the deceit and using each other for their own agenda. so when the act 3 graveyard comes around it’s like a redo of their first time bc#they’re both aware! and present! and there’s no pretense! and I like the idea that shri’iia actually confesses after like when they’re#holding each other. admits that she was actually scared of her own feelings bc it’s new. doesn’t know what to do with it. she’s very aware#of how she loves and her devotion and she doesn’t want to subject him to do bc it’s a Lot#but she wants to learn. and she wants to give her love if he wants it (just want to know if ur capable of love!!!!!)#and it’s this SWEET confession in my head augh aughhh 😭😭😭😭😭😭 maybe I’ll just do a comic of the graveyard scene lol#bc in my head. it’s a bit different. 🤭🤭 and I like it a lot heheheheh…..#shut up about bg3.#bg3 spoilers#oc: shri’iia.
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remember when i said i was writing something fluffy for my next fic? yeah sorry guys i lied.
#i’ll figure something else out but this one’s vv inspired by a theory i have that only really has one singular flaw#genuinely minus one small detail from the book i would genuinely think it’s more likely#we <3 waking up at 5am and ending up writing fic after being uninspired for over a week#edit: and one thing from the games but that’s ASSUMING that it’s gregory’s.#listen i WANT to write nice fluffy hand holding but the parasite the demon in me wants to comply slightly w canon#fe rambles#five nights at freddy's
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Unfortunately I absolutely fucked up one of my nails today but also I made my grandma a tote bag for her birthday so I think overall it’s going well
#i’m trying to take care of my nails instead of biting the shit out of them but i tore up my cuticle on my right ring finger#i have a bandage on it but it’s so annoying man#the tote bag.. i Was making socks but i realised i wasn’t going to finish them because socks are boring to make imo#also i just really haven’t been finding knitting fun to do lately. and i know this will change sooner or later but i CANNOT force it#i have to forget that i can even knit for like a few months and then something will happen and i’ll do nothing but knit#crochet is still fine though#so i found a pattern for a mesh bag and i’m almost done making it. i literally just have to make the straps and weave in the ends#i’m not seeing my grandma until like 1 in the afternoon tomorrow so i can finish it by then easily#i am kind of worried about if she’ll like it. i think she’ll like the colour. it’s bright yellow#it’s the fact that she already has a tote bag from the donkey sanctuary and she uses that a lot#and also it’s a mesh bag. i can see her complaining that stuff will fall out#but i don’t think the holes are THAT big#i mean yeah you’d lose a pen or pencil out of these but it can hold your purse and most shopping items#i just don’t think it’s possible to have too many tote bags. i have like. 12. i just accumulate them#also i did also buy my grandma flowers so it’s not like this is the only gift lol#personal
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tw in the tags and stuff
#one time my ex had me pinned to the ground while holding a 20lb metal dumbbell over my face#he was screaming at me and calling me names while i was crying and begging for him to get off of me#i remember the taste of blood in my mouth and wishing i was physically strong enough to scare him#it was one of 3 times i legitimately thought he might kill me#but he still thinks we belong together he still thinks i’ll forgive him#he still calls despite being blocked#i think i still think about this sometimes because i still can’t believe someone can change after being together for so long#but what it really is was i just refused to see it and now i’m all messed up because of that#how do i forgive myself#anyways i’ll delete this very soon but i literally talk to no one about this stuff and just wanted to vent or something
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#lakes can cure everything right ?#<- if you know something about me it is that i will caption a post this on every webbed site forever.#HIIII i have service everyone say hello to the puppies. they are the lucky charm babies i would die for them#they are so small. in that picture they are one (1) week old!!!!!! i could cry just thinking about it!!!!!!!!!#liv in the replies#anyway this is my semi-annual ‘having unhinged emotional imbalances’ & then i go jump around in a lake and i’m cured. great lakes i love u#what i was actually going to say there was also. musher au my beloved i will never write you but you live SO fondly in my brain forever#there are many fics that are my great white whale but that one. that one is up there#currently the whale i am chasing is dewey^2 p2 but my cast is tearing up my computer keyboard and my work schedule has been hilarious#and. y’know. the aforementioned *** ****** countdown wreaking havoc so!! self-imposed deadline of dewey^2 p2 done by the time my cast’s off#also i wanted to put in a poll that said lakes? puppies? but tumblr said: no you still can’t have polls#WAIT HOLD ON I FIGURED IT OUTTTTTTT OH MY GOD WAIT THIS IS REVOLUTIONARY#i forgot to tell everyone the bargain that i made sorry to the eleven of u that voted already but. if puppies wins i will tell u their names#if lakes win idk i’ll name all the great lakes ig y’all can pick something else fun. i will give u fish pictures from work if u want them
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I post a Tangy voice claim but it’s just a cat meowing into the microphone a bunch and then sniffing it (you hear the fur ruffling the mic and also the sniffing and purring. This is crucial.)
#day-2-day#this is a joke btw I couldn’t claim a voice even if I had a gun to my head abt it#it’s 3 am here… I’m having trouble sleeping… I’m still kinda recovering from that weird nightmare two nights back.#I can still hear/feel the leather + bone crunch is the thing that’s so off putting. the pains long gone but the sound? the sensation?#totally burned into my brain. also I think I need to put Chuu into a. thingy.#a centrifuge ! I gotta put her in one of those. the whole thing. she’s wandered too far in a direction from her starting point and I need#to wrangle her personality back where it belongs. it’s making me feel…… not great :T#I don’t desire advice about this I just keep almost saying something and bailing so if I just whisper this in the tags and then#close the app and forget about it I’ll have said my feelings in some way and I can work on the problem more actively :/#something about how I have to make up people to hold me accountable [if I say I need to do something aloud in some way it tends to make me#do it right away or soon rather than putting it off indefinitely with only myself to answer to. even if logically the person I said it aloud#to did not hear it or respond. it’s my own…. weird methods idk. it works well enough 96% of the time so I haven’t chased different avenues.]
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idk how to start this so this post is ab individual action, trying to motivate positive change in the world, etc etc
a lot of growing up in the US for me makes things feel more scary than they are. like it’s actually not that difficult to go out of your way to get a bottle of water or iced cup of water from some random drive through if you think you should do it. either fast food conglomerate or local actually, it’ll usually be cheaper than 5 dollars to get drinkable water. i try to have 5-10 dollars i can justify spending on water, and asking for change, because sometimes when i’m out driving i need to go grab water.
i do not do this for me as much as i try to do it specifically when i see someone who’s most likely homeless on a street corner. i’m sure one day i might do this and they might not be there when i come back, but what have i lost really? a bit of time and a bit of money that would’ve meant more to them, that i can hold onto until i see them next.
the pressure that a lot of people feel when they think “what can i do” comes from this grand narrative that the average citizen can singlehandedly fix the housing crisis. rich people? maybe. nonprofits? not in a day, not all one person still. what can i do is a question i ask a lot. what can i do, not just because it feels bad to move along like nothings wrong with the world, but what can i do that will do anything. what can i do that makes even the smallest change.
i feel like it took me too long to figure out a personal method to what i consider individual action. it’s taking time to get to my own financial stability to be able to do more. but for now it’s as simple as water and cash. not water and food, but water and cash.
individual action means a lot in small steps, go get a bottle of water bare minimum and the price of a meal if you can and then just give it to them. if it wasn’t such a miserably hot place where i live i would keep a pack of water in my car, which i still want to do for the sake of having immediate access to water to give someone who might need it- hot or cold sometimes won’t matter. but when it’s hot out, get cold water, if it’s cold out, a warm tea will hydrate more than coffee will as long as it’s not super caffeinated.
#very genuinely i’ve always felt paralyzed by the idea i cannot doing anything to help and on the grand scale i kind of can’t#i can’t give someone a house to stay in where i could take care of the space enough to get someone back on their own feet#but i can give someone water and some money for whatever they need#one day i’ll be able to do more but for now. water bottles and cash.#what i want to say here is everyone knows bare necessities and everyone knows ways to get them#i also have an opinion that you should sit with and hold the harsh feeling of seeing the world fall apart and help people survive anyway#idfk man#i’ve met some extremely fucking jaded people in my time at college who seem to have no way to piece together that they can do SOMETHING#one of my classmates once complained about feeling bad about not doing anything for a guy on a corner and i recognized who#because i’d seen him too and done nothing at least 5 times before one day on the way home i gave him all the cash i had on me#she’d said she’d do more if she wasn’t so scared and anxious of being hurt. i don’t see how he could even look harmful or dangerous#he blessed me and offered a hug and asked me to have a good day and said thank you and i still can’t see why she was scared of him#at the same time i hadn’t done anything until i saw myself in someone else and thought it looked nasty. looked uncaring.#i saw him again today and gave him a water bottle and all the cash i had on me. i told him the weather seemed hot#he agreed with me and he took the bottle of water#i think i interrupted him opening it to hand him the rest#he got up and he blessed me again#offered a hug and more thank you’s and it’s so simple but i felt us both human in that moment. talking about the weather in a brief exchange#wishing each other well as we go different ways#he wouldn’t stop thanking me and wishing me well#i told him it was the smallest thing i think anyone could do and i still walked away hollow wishing to have done more somehow#to suddenly own an apartment complex nearby for him and anyone he knew that needed it too#not a rigid shelter but a place to make home#blah blah blah talking too much about a deed done because i get emotional about humanity#tauto talks
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