#at the very least. me and my gf have decided on whether we’re moving apartments or not

[insert-game]

i’ve been meaning to add a couple things to my etsy store and make new things as well but the crushing weight of being alive under the current administration has been severely impeding my ability to do anything in general

[nataliedanovelist]

GF - Mabel’s Worry

Collab with @clownwry! They’ve been super sweet and very nice, and after getting inspired by this post, I decided to write a full on-fic about it... but then it spiraled out of control, so enjoy an angsty story featuring the sweater twins!

~~~~~~~~~~

Mabel sat up quickly, breathing just as heavy as an Olympic runner. She shook her head to clear it and she hugged her knees in self-embarrassment. It was just a stupid nightmare. Vague, no real plot, but still carried the overall message, the fear, anxiety, and still made Mabel’s blood run cold and sweat sparkle on her forehead. She needed to calm down, get herself together. Milk. Warm milk.

And so she quietly got out of bed and left her shared attic bedroom for downstairs. Despite being gone for nine months, she still knew this dark home by heart. She could walk it blindfolded if needed, but the moonlight leaking in through the triangular windows helped her in her journey. That and a small light coming from the living room. Like a moth to a flame, Mabel sleepily dragged her socked feet to the room and peaked through the doorway, half of her face hidden by wood and shadow.

Grunkle Ford was sitting in the armchair, reading a book in the light of a lamp. Mabel’s spirit was lifted, relieved and happy to see him, but she was hesitant to bother him. He was happy with his book, she really shouldn’t bother him with her own stupid problems. She should probably just go get her drink and go to bed and leave him alone. But then Grunkle Ford’s instincts alerted him of a spy and he looked up and instantly smiled.

“Mabel,” His blissful facial expression dropped suddenly remembering that she went to bed a few hours ago and it wasn’t quite daylight yet. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

This really wasn’t like her, for words to fail leaving her mouth, for her to be silent or non-vocal. But all Mabel could do was barely step into the light, hands behind her back, and shrug with her eyes to the floor. She was silent because she was afraid of what she would say if she dared to give herself the opportunity to talk. Ford grew more concerned, but he knew what to do; he had more practice under his belt now than he did months ago. He smiled softly at his niece, closed his book and sat it on the dino skull, and patted his thigh. “Come here.”

Mabel looked up and bit her lip. The dame broke over her uncle’s kindness. With watering eyes she ran into his lap and clung onto him tightly, burying her face in his chest and whimpering as tears left her eyes. Ford hugged her back tightly and petted her soft long brown hair. The girl might be thirteen, but that doesn’t mean she would stop having nightmares or no longer need comfort. Moses knows, as much as he would deny it, Ford still had nightmares and still needed reassurance. Not to mention it was well-earned after everything he and his family had been through… everything he put his family through…

Mabel was mumbling something into his maroon sweater. Ford thought it was moans, sobs, but as he listened he could actually make out words. “M’sorry… m’sorry…”

“Hey, hey.” Ford said softly. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, my dear.”

“... didn’t mean t’bother you…”

“Oh,” Ford cooed as gentle as a lamb. “Oh, sweetheart, you could never bother me. Never.”

Mabel sniffed. “M’sorry.” Whether she was still sorry for bothering him or sorry for being sorry was a bit unclear, but Ford decided it didn’t matter.

“It’s alright.” Ford eased. “It’s alright, my dear.”

After a few minutes of letting Mabel cry into his chest, Ford could feel Mabel make a sharp shiver in his hold. He got a pretty good idea, and so he gently had Mabel let him go. She whimpered like a puppy denied a treat, but she watched with sparkling eyes as Ford slipped off his maroon sweater, revealing a thin long-sleeved white undershirt, and he sweetly pulled it over Mabel’s head and smiled at her. She helped him by slipping her arms into the correct holes and she grinned as she now wore Ford’s old red sweater. Nearly every day he wore a Mabel Sweater she had made for her, whether she mailed it to the Stan O’ War while they were apart, or she gave it to him in person. Only every so often did he wear his old sweater, but they were both glad he did.

Mabel allowed her head to sink deeper into the worn yarn. Her senses and lungs were drowned in Ford’s scent, which brought along happy memories and good emotions. She hugged Ford again and he happily held her, petting her hair and just being there. 

A few minutes of silence passed, and Ford made a prediction that it was a good time to check on her verbally. “Feeling better? Mabel?” He looked down and Mabel was asleep, one arm still around him, one hand holding onto his undershirt. Ford chuckled warmly in his chest, slowly stood, and carried Mabel to the attic to tuck her in.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Dipper, they’re ready!” Mabel called.

Dipper hurried up the stairs and ran into his shared bedroom, plopped on the beanbag, and Mabel started the call on the laptop they had on the floor between the two beds. The grunkles answered at once, sitting at the table and grinning.

“Well hey there, gremlins! How was your week?” Stan greeted.

“Pretty good, just the usual school stuff.” Dipper answered.

“Did you get the package?” Mabel asked.

Ford grinned and picked up the large sealed box and placed it on the table. “Yes, perfectly intact! We picked it up in Pevek two days ago.”

“What?! And you haven’t opened it?!”

“Oh, well we thought we should wait until…”

“You two will freeze!” Mabel shook her head and smiled. “Open it and get warm!”

Stan rolled his eyes as he pulled out his pocketknife and cut the tape. “Sweetie, in the last two years we’ve been sailing you’ve sent us three trunks full of blankets, eight pairs of gloves, at least a dozen sweaters for each of us, six scarves…”

“Not that we don’t appreciate it, we always love your packages, my dear.” Ford interrupted. “But you work too hard. We’re never cold thanks to you.”

“Good. Let’s keep it that way.” Mabel said firmly.

“Oh wow! Mabel!” Ford gasped happily as he pulled out a new green sweater-vest with golden diamonds and a long-sleeved salmon button up. “This is beautiful!” Ford also pulled out a regular dark-orange turtleneck.

Stan noticed there had been two stacks of things. Ford had already taken out his stack, so the old conman grinned as he plunged his hand into the box and grabbed his new baby-blue sweater with a sailboat on it. “Sweet! And look here!” Stan pulled out another sweater, this one being a warm cream color with tiny pinetrees on the neck and wrists and waist of the sweater. “Wow, Mabel! Just when I thought your sweaters couldn’t get more impressive… this is so cool!”

Mabel blushed over the compliments. “I’m glad you like them. There’s still…”

“Oh, my dear, this must have taken you ages!” Ford pulled out one last item: a large knitted blanket to go with the others, this one made with very thick yarn that was as soft as the melody of youthful days. It was very large and could easily cover both men, and it resembled the sky perfectly, being dark blue with white specks.

“Thank you, pumpkin, this is amazing!”

Mabel grinned and said, “Just please stay warm.”

Ford smiled and nodded. “Of course we will. We’re always careful, my dear. And thanks to you I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be cold.”

Mabel wasn’t sure if she bought it, the number of times she saw their chattering teeth, tight jaws, and rosy cheeks and noses in pictures, but she decided not to fight it and she just smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~

There are some benefits to living in the glorious year of 2014. Many different forms of communication allow people to keep in contact, no matter how far apart they are. So not only did Ford, Stan, Dipper, and Mabel, text every day and send pictures and emails, they always had their Saturday night/Sunday morning video call. Always. So, of course, Mabel and Dipper were a little concerned when no one responded to their text messages to ask if they were ready for the call.

“Hey guys! Ready?”

“Rise and shine, sleepy heads! Can’t wait to see you guys!”

“Are you guys okay? We understand if you can’t make it this week.”

“Is something wrong? We’re not mad, but could you please text us.”

“Guys, seriously, this isn’t funny…”

“If we don’t hear back from you guys I will call the FBI! The CIA!”

“You guys do know how to use your phones, right?”

“Are you guys hurt?! ARE YOU DEAD?!”

Dipper looked up from his phone and across his bedroom. Mabel was in Sweatertown on her bed, buried in her favorite nightgown. Dipper sighed and moved to sit next to her. “Mabel, it’ll be okay.”

“They’re jerks.” Mabel mumbled from within the maroon yarn.

Dipper smiled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, we’ll get payback when they finally answer.”

Mabel lifted her head just enough to peek at his twin. “But what if they never do…” And tears formed.

Dipper rubbed her back and said, “They will. I swear.”

But they didn’t. As time ticked from ten o’clock at night to midnight to even three o’clock in the morning, Dipper and Mabel stayed awake, waiting for a response, both of them knowing any attempt to sleep was futile. And when Mabel’s phone buzzed and rang for a video-call, they both dove and Mabel clicked the green button with a shaking hand.

~~~~~~~~

Stan gave his brother the mug of warm water. “You’re an idiot.”

Ford snorted and sipped the warm drink. “This isn’t coffee.”

“You don’t need coffee, you need to get hydrated.” Stan collapsed into the couch next to his brother. His eyes landed on the wall-clock, and he shot up quickly and ran for the bedroom. “DAMN IT!”

“What? What is it?!” Ford gasped.

“It’s Sunday!”

Ford groaned and slapped his forehead.

Stan grabbed his phone and found a dozen text messages from each kid and some missed phone calls. “Ah jeez, I know you’re wiped out, Sixer, but we gotta talk to these kids.”

“I don’t care if I’m on my deathbed, we’re calling them.” Ford hollered back as he loosened the grip of his blanket and Stan entered the room. His brother sat next to him and called Mabel’s phone.

At once Stan’s phone lit up with two distressed looking kids, both with wide eyes but missing their bedheads. “YOU’RE OKAY!” The two teenagers cried out.

Stan winced. “Kids, we’re really really sorry…”

“What happened?!” Mabel gasped. “Grunkle Ford, are you okay?! You don’t look very good, are you sick?!”

“Mabel, sweetie, I’m okay.” Ford eased. “I… erm, I fell overb-...”

“YOU FELL IN THE OCEAN?!” Mabel yelled in horror.

“Ssh, Mabel!” Dipper hissed, eyeing the door.

“Are you okay?! Are you on your way to a hospital?! Do you need anything? We can hitchhike…”

“Mabel, Mabel, please, I’m alright, Stanley’s been taking excellent care of me.” Ford said firmly. “I’m sorry we scared you, sweetie, but…”

“Well, good!” Mabel snapped, visibly angry and now full-on scolding. Stan and Ford glanced at each other nervously, getting flashbacks of scoldings from their mother. “You should be, knuckleheads! We can’t tell if you’re even still alive unless you tell us! Don’t you ever scare me like that again, you hear?! If something happened to you… I’m glad you’re happy and doing what you love, but PLEASE don’t kill yourselves doing it!” Mabel bit her lip as she realized she was yelling, and she used the long sweater sleeve to wipe at her damp eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“Aw, pumpkin, it’s okay.” Stan replied calmly. “You’ve got every right to be mad at us. I’m sorry, I should have at least texted you. But I honestly didn’t cuz I was busy keeping this dork alive.” Stan teased, elbowing Ford and making him smile. “So, yeah, that was really scary and that wasn’t fair, but he’s gonna be just fine and we’re both okay and you know that now. Right?”

Mabel held her knees and sunk her face into Ford’s old sweater, only her eyes and the top half of her face visible now, but she wasn’t looking at them. “Yeah… Yeah, okay…”

“Mabel,” Ford said firmly. “Mabel, look at me.” He waited until her eyes were on him, and he smiled softly and said, “We’re okay. I promise, we’re both okay.”

Mabel couldn’t help but return the smile. “Okay… okay…” She sniffed and lifted her head a little, but her chin was still happily buried in red yarn. “So, tell us what happened? Was it the Kraken again?”

Stan grinned at the opportunity for a story, and the kids happily sat and listened.

~~~~~~~~~~

Almost fifteen-years-old. Dipper should know better than to run off into the woods after a dangerous anomaly, but he did it anyway. Mabel stayed home to make sure the monster didn’t come back, and was soon reunited with her boys as they arrived, breathing heavily. Dipper was okay for the most part. His arm was hurt and he had a black eye, but he was okay, and their grunkles were only a little scuffed and there was a leaf or two in Ford’s fluffy hair.

Mabel hurried to Dipper, but instead of hugging him like the three guessed she would, she smacked her brother over the head.

“Hey!”

“Mabel!”

“You KNUCKLEHEAD!” Mabel screamed. “Don’t you EVER do that again, you hear?! Don’t you dare! What were you thinking?! You just HAD to go after it! Couldn’t go inside like a normal person!”

“Good to see you too, sis.” Dipper muttered. “I had it under control.”

“I don’t care! What if you never came back…”

Dipper blinked and interrupted her. “Aw, Mabel, that was never gonna happen.”

Mabel bit her lip, held herself, and looked away.

“M-Mabel, I’m really sorry…”

“Here, let’s get you cleaned up first, and then we’ll talk about this, okay?” Stan eased, sensing that they needed a time-out. “C’mon, kid.”

Dipper sighed and followed Stan to the bathroom where they kept the first aid kit, leaving Ford alone with Mabel, who was well prepared to talk to her.

“Mabel, my dear, you have every right to be upset with him…”

“How could he do that?!” Mabel looked up at her uncle. “How could he think for a second it’s okay to just run off like that?!”

Ford chuckled a little to try to lighten the situation. “You know your brother. He has high ambitions and is extremely curious.”

“That doesn’t matter!” Mabel snapped. “It’s still stupid and selfish! I know he needs to do what he loves, but doesn’t he know how much I need him?! How can he just leave me behind?!”

Ford stared at Mabel. Her voice was cracking, her lip was trembling, and something in her eyes was screaming to be heard. Ford thought for a second, then dared to ask, “A-Are you talking about Stanley and I as well?”

Mabel sobbed. She yelled out in pain and collapsed on the bottom step, burning her face in her hands, and sobbed her heart out. Ford was stunned to hear her cry so hard, in so much emotional pain. She didn’t even cry this hard over any nightmares, and he had dealt with a handful of them. Poor Mabel was crying so hard and violently she gagged and retched occasionally, her body torn if she could cry or not but it was out of her control.

Ford got on his knees before her, but did not touch her. It broke his heart to see her so upset. And he and Stan had done this? Whatever it would take to fix it, he would do it. He was reluctant, but if sailing around the world with his brother was causing this much pain for their girl, then they would both agree to dock for good. “M-Mabel…”

“I understand…” Mabel mumbled through her tears and into her palms. “I understand why you had to go… why you both wanna go… b-b-but what if something happens to you?! How many times have you both gotten sick or hurt or nearly killed?! I miss you all the time and I’m always worried I’ll never see or hear from you again!”

“Oh, Mabel, sweetie…” Ford reached out a hand to put on her shoulder, but Mabel threw herself into Ford’s hold and he hugged her back tightly.

“I get it… I understand why you have to go… so WHY do I still feel this way?!” Mabel sobbed, clinging onto his uncle for dear life. “I’m so angry and scared and hurt! But I don’t want you to stop, I want you to sail cuz I know it makes you happy, but I need you to be okay!”

A lot of things clicked in Ford’s brain. Why Mabel always sent packages full of warm clothes. Why she always asked what they ate. Why she always checked on them. Why she was very observant and asked if they were okay if something was slightly off. Why she easily got worried if she didn’t hear from them. And why she always hugged them like she never wanted to let them go.

 Ford blinked his stiff eyes a few times and forced himself to keep it together. “I’m so sorry, Mabel. You and your brother are everything to us. I love you two more than anything. If… If sailing causes you this much distress we can…”

“NO! No no no!” Mabel screamed in horror, holding on tighter. “No, please don’t stop cuz of me! I don’t- That doesn’t matter!”

“Mabel Pines,” Ford said firmly and readjusted his hold on her so he could look her straight in the eye. “You matter.”

“I-I know. I know.” Mabel breathed. “But… please don’t stop sailing cuz of me. Please. I don’t want you to stop. But… I want you and Grunkle Stan to be okay. I… I can’t lose you…”

A large lump was in Ford’s throat. He tried to swallow it away, but it didn’t work. He compromised and took advantage of the silence. He cupped Mabel’s right cheek with his left hand and wiped some tears away with his thumb. Mabel covered his hand with hers and turned her face into his palm.

“I understand, my dear. I do. And I’m so sorry. I swear, we won’t stop sailing unless we want to. You have my word. But I also swear to you that Stanley and I won’t let anything happen. We;re too scared of losing each other to let anything happen, believe me.” Mabel moved her eyes to his. “We will always come home. I promise.”

Mabel hugged her uncle again and cried into his shoulder, leaving him to rub her back and pray she would be okay. Ford opened his eyes and caught the sight of his twin at the top of the stairs. He must have heard Mabel’s screams and come to investigate, but decided to stay out of it. But a look from Ford told Stan that Mabel needed him too, so Stan climbed down the stairs, sat behind her, and hugged them both.

[nottooldforthisship]

*CHEF fics*

- Learning to Eat by @mbpgku : Celebrity chef Louis Tomlinson has a problem. He’s opening his first restaurant in 9 weeks, and he has yet to hire a pastry chef- apparently people think he’s ‘standoffish’ and ‘rude’ and ‘quick to temper’. Whatever. He ends up saddled with an annoying, happy-go lucky rookie who also happens to be obnoxiously good looking. His tv presenter and pop star best friends only add to the drama, and for fucks sake would everyone please stop quoting Julia Child?! Kitchen AU where Harry helps Louis re-learn how to eat.  (METAPHORICALLY) (38k, M)

- Every Good Boy Deserves Cookies , by @stunning-stylinson​ : “Y-yeah?” Louis asks breathlessly, “And then?“Harry giggles and moves his bum back to meet Louis. “Add the vanilla and crack the eggs, beating it all in with salt,” Harry says.Or where Harry is a chef who teaches a class and Louis swears it’s only Harry’s bossiness that turns him on, not the recipe for cookies and Harry likes being praised. (8.5k, E)

- Feels Like Coming Home , by @phd-mama: The last thing Harry Styles expects when he’s hanging out at the Someday Cafe in Somerville one rainy October day is for his ex, Louis Tomlinson to walk through the door, but that’s exactly what happens. After a spectacularly ugly break-up three years prior, Harry hasn’t heard one word from Louis, and he’s moved on. Gotten over him. But having Louis back in his life, not to mention working at the restaurant where he’s a chef, isn’t easy, and the feelings that Harry thought he’d left turn out to be not so easily forgotten. This is a story about love and the power of forgiveness, and how the hard choices we make define us, and change our lives. (60k, E)

- Before We Evaporate ,  by  crimsontheory  : Louis Tomlinson; executive chef and owner of his own five star restaurant, been voted one of the top chefs in London, and has won several awards for his work in the kitchen. He’s always dreamed of being on Chopped, but never believed it would actually happen. Until it does. Now that he’s officially made it onto the show, there’s one tall, curly haired distraction that might just ruin everything for him.Or the kinda sorta enemies to lovers Chopped AU with far more smut than necessary. (37k, E)  

- Fool's Gold , by @freetheankles : Or the Arnacoeur AU in which Harry is scheduled to be married to Liam in 10 days and Harry’s mother hires Louis and his team to break them up. (55k, E)

- Check Please      by  zedi   :      Louis has a shit date. Harry offers to cover the bill. They maybe fall in love. (2k, NR)

*BAKER fics*

- Relief next to me , by @haydolce : AU. What happens when a baker and a graphic designer meet via a very specific Craigslist post? Fate, friendship, food, and maybe more. (333k, E)

- leave it to the breeze , by @hattalove :  or a great british bake off au in which louis cares about winning and winning only, harry is made of sunshine and rainbow sprinkles, and niall sticks his nose into other people’s business. also featuring liam as louis’s best friend-slash-concerned mother, and zayn as a macaron connoisseur. (81k, E)

- shine by @lourrynavy​ ; Louis is an actor who needs to get away from the real world. He does the only thing that he can and runs away, finding himself in a small town where he happens upon Harry. What Louis doesn’t expect is to somehow fall in love and end up having to face what he was running from all along. (40k, M)

- Tis the Season for…Love?   ,    by @afangirlfantasy:   Prompt: Harry seems to have it all: A successful career as a pastry chef, a Victorian home in London, and a dedicated boyfriend who he's been with for years.   One day he stops by his boyfriend's apartment to surprise him and finds out that he's not so dedicated to Harry after all. Shocked and too depressed to celebrate, he decides to skip Christmas and on a whim leaves on a plane to New York. In New York he meets Louis… Or...Louis might just be what Harry's needed all along. (27k, M)

-  Flour and Chocolate      by   teaandtumblr : Then he approached the display cabinet. And the foreboding slammed into him. Because every product had letters next to it. Letters. GF, DF, V, O, VGN. What. The. Fuck? Lifting his eyes to the chalkboard menu spread across the back wall Louis felt physically ill. ‘Gluten-free’, ‘organic’, ‘vegan’, ‘paleo’, ‘dair-…’ Wait, what the fuck was a paleo? He had entered some hipster-trash establishment and it was more than time to get out.  OR Louis is a single dad and Harry works at the newly opened bakery down the street.(145k, M)

- Float Down Like Autumn Leaves (Stay Now) , by @getmesometacos  : The AU in which Louis has a 6 year old daughter with a costume emergency that puts her school’s annual Halloween party at risk, Halloween decorated cupcakes are hard to find and tall men look absolutely ridiculously cute in giant vegetables costumes. Co-starring Harry, who makes really good food for the kids. Featuring Niall, who works in a bakery but has a part time job as a babysitter. And as much as he doesn’t believe in love at first (or second) sight, Louis is really infatuated and really wouldn’t mind seeing Harry again.(16k, M)

- we’re still going, eight in the morning , by @nooelgallagher​  and @yoursongonmyheart​ : Harry washes his hands quickly before grabbing his phone. His screen lights up to 3 notifications.DJTommo is now following you!@DJTommo mentioned you in a tweet!Direct Message from @DJTommo!Harry yelps, throwing his phone to Niall who just barely catches it.Niall looks down at the phone, seeing first the tweet, then the DM. He tosses the phone back to Harry, who nearly drops it. “What are ya doing, mate! Answer him!”Harry thinks for a moment about what he wants to say. This is his chance to actually talk to Louis Tomlinson. Louis Tomlinson messaged him directly. He can say anything he wants. He begins typing, his fingers shaky.Niall comes over to stand next to Harry and peers down, looking to see what he wrote. When he does, he lets out a groan….Or, the one where Harry owns a bakery, Louis is a radio DJ, and Niall and Liam roll their eyes at their incessant flirting. (31k, E)

- taste on my tongue , by @bethaboolou : Louis Tomlinson, second place winner on TXF four years ago, is looking to reinvent his career. Harry Styles is a baker who is desperate for a bakery of his own.Louis doesn’t bake. Or cook. Or know how to use an oven.Take Louis. Take Harry. Add in a heaping cup of sexual tension. Another cup of delicious (and not so delicious) food. A smidgen of competitive spirit. A dash of hopes and dreams. And you get Kitchen Wars, a TV show that promises to be the must-watch event of the fall. (77k, E)

- come away with me , by @suspendrs: Or, Louis has to pick up the pieces of his and his daughter’s life after his wife dies, and Harry is a beautiful stranger that just wants to help. (80k, NR)

- Whether Clouds or Clear Skies , by @onewasturning :   “You, young Harold, are a baker among curry houses and vintage clothing stores,” Louis says, and it forces a bark of surprised laughter out of Harry.  “I’m a— sorry, what?”  “Harry,” Louis says, “last night I had an experience bordering on profound.”  “You’re making it sound like you did something sexual with my muffin,” Harry says. Or, Louis gets into the habit of stealing baked goods while Harry’s busy keeping tabs on the weather. (25k, E)

- Every Story Ever Told , by @all-these-larrythings : Becoming a best-selling author isn’t as difficult as Louis would have guessed. It seems all you need these days is the perfect blend of alcohol induced philosophy, complete disregard for one’s dignity, a live blog about how fucked love is, and a bored publisher interested enough to offer him a deal. (54k, NR)

- Skin New, Hands True, My Hands All Over You , by PearlyDewdrops   : Harry designs wedding cakes, so of course meeting blissfully happy couples every day is part of his job description. Unfortunately, it’s caused Harry to perpetually hope each new day is the one he’ll find love, too. That is, until Harry realises everything he’s ever wanted is right under his nose in the shape of his best friend, Louis. But predictably, Harry only comes to this epiphany when Louis starts seeing someone else. And this is not a John Hughes movie as far as Harry is aware. Everyone else is pretty sure, though. Featuring a heavy dose of pining, copious amounts of alcohol, drunk dialing that results in a situation reminiscent of Rachel Green’s, a ginger cat that likes to interrupt intimate moments, and a Halloween party that changes everything. (44k, E)

* RESTAURANT OWNER fics*

- all the lights are full of colour, by @infinitelymint : So, fast-forwarding eight years from the day Harry met Louis, he is now a twenty-seven year old owner of one of the most up-and-coming eating establishments on the London restaurant scene, father of two wonderful boys and… separated from his husband. Now, that last part definitely was never a part of the original plan.  Or, Harry and Louis are separated, but for the sake of their two sons, they choose to spend Christmas together. It may just lead to a Christmas miracle. (26k, E)

- You'll Hear Me Calling for You , by  pinky_heaven19  : OR the one where Harry is an Alpha and Louis has a problem with it - until he doesn't. (42k, E)

- Let's Go Get Away , by @letsjustsee : Or, a fluffy AU in which Louis owns a restaurant that's next door to Harry's shop, and Louis is completely unaware how smitten he really is. (7k, NR)

* FOOD BLOGGING fics*

- 'Til I Tasted You  , by @icanhazzalou : Louis is Harry Styles' biggest fan. It doesn't matter that Harry is famous for being a food blogger and Louis can't cook to save his life.At least, until Harry offers to give Louis a cooking lesson. Then it matters just a teensy bit. (14k, E)

[betelguwuse]

So I just finished VHS and I absolutely loved it. One of the shorts was a bit lacking to me, but even that one was enjoyable to watch. The only big criticism I have is that like at least half the shorts showed a lot of unnecessary tiddy (the only one that didn’t feel totally unnecessary was the one where the whole plot is dudes tryin to make porn) but I mean it’s found footage and I get that irl people do show off to each other on video calls and yknow,, porn. So I can let it slide but I’m not gonna enjoy it lol. Also this goes for most found footage I’ve seen, but sometimes it’s really hard to make out who’s who and what’s going on. But overall it was really good.

There were a few comments (I watched it on shudder lol) calling the movie misogynistic, which I don’t get? I mean unless they were talking about the tiddy issue, but even that I don’t think was meant to be framed as a good thing.

Like the movie is 5 shorts in between breaks of an ongoing story of some dudes breaking into a house. They’re trying to steal some tapes, and what’s on them is the bunch of shorts we’re shown. So the overarching story of the guys in the house has nothing to do with women, except one scene where they gang up on and try to strip a woman in a parking lot, which I’m pretty sure is clearly meant to be a bad thing? I mean throughout the movie we’re shown that these guys are assholes (filming harassment of women for money, excessively saying slurs, breaking into a house for more tapes that could get them money). Yeah the characters are misogynistic from what we can tell, but that doesn’t mean the movie or director is condoning their actions.

Ok onto the actual shorts (I don’t know what any were called but I’m pretty sure theyre all in order in my head lol). I want to pick out whether the individual shorts were misogynistic at all (because I have literally nothing else to do) so for that I might have to spoil. Any spoilers will be crossed out so they’re at least a bit harder to read. And like, I’m no expert in feminism (I don’t consider myself one, but I’m not exactly anti either) but being a person with a brain and opinions I’m going to talk about it.

1: This was the only one I had any previous knowledge of going in, and I was absolutely terrified of watching this whole movie because of the jumpscare and bits of creepiness I’d seen lol. So it’s about this group of guys who are trying to make some porn, so they pick up some girls, take them clubbing, and then go to a hotel to smash. Without spoilers, one of the girls acts really really friccin creepy and I think this one scared me the most overall, even knowing the basics of what would happen. Honestly I’m surprised the internet hasn’t turned her into a meme or waifu like some people did with Momo lol. I for one really want to draw her now (but also I’m terrified of looking up reference photos 👊😔). I think I read that they made a full movie-length version of this story but I could be wrong.

Spoilers: So what happens is this creepy girl is some kind of monster who lures men in to have sex with her, so she can eat them and rip their dicks off and all that fun shit. So like a siren, but on land? Honestly I don’t even know if it’s accurate to say she lures them in, because she really didn’t do anything, the guys kinda just found her and decided to use her? Also I think she had wings?? But again, handheld camera, hard to see everything. I think that what makes this one is that while she is creepy, she doesn’t really seem dangerous, or even like she wants to be there at all. Like when the guys give her and another girl drugs, the other girl seems ok with it, but it seemed to bother the creepy girl a bit. She had this innocent vibe to her that just makes her even more creepy. And then it’s even more shocking when she starts eating these bois. So yeah I don’t think this one was misogynistic at all. The male characters just wanted to exploit her and profit from her body, and she didn’t say no but she didn’t say yes either, which is pretty interesting to see. It’s not like she tricked the guys because she never actually consented to sex. All I remember her saying was “I like you” a few times. 10/10 we love a lady who eats her attempted rapists.

2: This is the one I wasn’t entirely satisfied with, but it was very good and enjoyable nonetheless. It’s about this couple on a road trip in,, I wanna say Arizona? I’m Canadian, I’ve never heard of a state in my life. So anyway they’re at a hotel in the middle of the desert, there are a few parts that were pretty creepy but didn’t actually mean anything in the story, like there was this fortune telling machine that I thought would be something supernatural, and a scene where they’re climbing around a canyon which was just generally anxiety inducing lol. But what the story is actually about is that someone is stalking them. This one I can discuss the misogyny levels without spoilers. There’s one bit where the guy is trying to get the girl to take off her shirt, and she says only if you turn the camera off. Which he doesn’t, and after a little argument he finally accepts the no. So like, dick move, but only a tiny part of the story.

Spoilers: there are some creepy scenes of the stalker recording them both while they sleep, and stealing their money and stuff, and then later stabs the guy in the neck. But then it’s revealed that the stalker is actually two people and they film themselves making out in the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t tell if it was a guy/girl or two girls, and since it was that hard to see their faces it just occurred to me that one of them might’ve actually been the gf? Like we didn’t see what happens to her after, and it’d definitely be a more satisfying ending for her to have betrayed her bf and not just some rando stalkers. Hm. Still unclear but good.

3: This one was really fun, it’s these 4 college aged friends who take a trip to the woods, it’s pretty tropey like cabin in the woods, there’s the final girl, the slut, the nerd, and the popular jockish dude. Which I’m pretty sure was on purpose since it’s kind of a slasher. Otherwise I’d be a bit more critical of the ‘slut’ character who Literally Never Shuts Up About Sex in this short lol. But I think that was meant to be a comedic choice. Idk. Other than that, no issue. So basically final girl has kinda organized this whole trip but she starts acting weird and saying creepy stuff about things that had happened in the forest. This one really felt like a creepypasta, but like the best kind. I really love what they did with the bad guy. I really don’t want to spoil this one, so don’t read the spoilers unless you’re sure you’ll never watch it. It’s great.

Spoilers: So the twist is that final girl had been here before with her friends and was the only survivor of a massacre by some monster in the woods. So now by taking these new people on the trip she’s trying to lure the monster out using them as bait, because nobody believed her after the last trip when she told people it wasn’t human. So we get a bunch of cool deaths, and that sweet sweet betrayal. I was kinda surprised by how much they lingered on some of the gore but that’s not really an issue for me. It did suck to see the main girl die, but I mean it’s found footage not ‘I killed a monster and totally got away, here watch’ footage.

4: This one was actually really cool in terms of like ~feminism~ or whatever. I mean it doesn’t even have to be read as some kind of feminist theme, but that was just the vibe I got. I really don’t think I can go into detail on those themes without spoilers, but the basic premise is that this girl is video chatting her bf (who’s away for school or something) and she’s worried that there are ghosts in her apartment. There’s a neat backstory about something similar happening to her when the guy was away during her childhood, like weird bruises and other injuries she doesn’t remember, so it definitely keeps you interested. Also another one I reeeally don’t want to spoil because the twist is so cool.

Spoilers: So the truth is the guy actually was nearby the whole time (possibly in her place because he rushes in the room pretty quickly when she’s attacked), and it turns out that it’s not ghosts, but aliens, and the bf is using the gf to put trackers and alien babies in her, and tricking her into thinking she just got in some weird accident and forgot, which leads her to get misdiagnosed with something like schizophrenia. I mean it’s a perfect metaphor for gaslighting (he’s not hurting me, I’m just crazy), and while that’s not an exclusively feminist theme by any means (both genders are capable of abuse, and both genders are capable of being victims!) it being a theme here shows that this short is absolutely not misogynistic at all. Honestly I’m surprised I haven’t seen more people talk about this one. It’s really really great in terms of the plot, twists, and underlying themes my dumb brain came up with.

5: This one is really really cool, at first I was a little bored with it, but then you’re kinda like hm what’s going on, and then you’re like oh okay that’s going on. Coolcoolcool. So basically these 4 dudes are going to a Halloween party and they’re kinda lost, and they end up at this huge house, so they go in and it’s empty but really big and creepy so they’re like ‘maybe we’re early, or it’s more of a haunted house than a party’ stuff like that, so a bit of it is just the guys exploring the house and vaguely creepy stuff happening in the background. I’m just gonna leave it at that because like, it’s not exactly a twist but it is really unexpected.

Spoilers: So they hear people talking upstairs in the attic and they’re like ‘o nice we found the party’ but no it’s a literal cult chanting and beating up this girl they have tied up. The cult leader is like ‘wtf get outta here’ and the guys kinda get chased away, but one dumbass just had to be like ‘no man we gotta save her’ (king tbh. ur sacrifice will be remembered) so they all go back up there, beat up the cult guys, and get the girl out of there. But that’s when the really creepy stuff happens in the house, like dishes throw themselves at the guys and arms reach out of the walls (I’d actually seen this bit before in a try not to be scared compilation, but I didn’t know what it was from lol) but they do get out and into their car. But then the girl just disappears and the car stops working, and then they see her out the window and she looks kinda demony, and oop their car is stopped on a train track aaa. This one I’m kinda torn on, like about the misogyny thing, because yeah having the only female in the cast being a demon and justifying the cult’s treatment of her is iffy, but at the same time...dude she’s literally a demon, I’d be chaining her up too lol. So yeah I’m definitely leaning toward the not misogynistic side.

Overall I don’t see this movie as that misogynistic at all, and it’s otherwise just a really really good time. Definitely recommend.

[daddyconfessions]

daddy’s journal: 3/8/16

daddy’s journal 3/6/16 daddy’s journal 3/3/16

Sunday Feb 28th

Went to church. I couldn’t ask God to forgive me for all my sins though. I couldn’t be fake with Him. I guess I could have asked but then I wasn’t sorry and I had every intention of repeating all the things I’m doing wrong again. So I asked him to be patient with me instead. Me. The lying, cheating, adulterous bastard.

He didn’t answer.

Monday Feb 29th Pops (my boss) walked into my office a little after 10am. He closed the door and dropped into one of the chairs on the other side of my desk. Pops looked tired and beat. Despite being one of 3 VP’s in the company, we have a pretty laid back banter. I ask him how everything’s going. “Its hard man,” he shook his head. “We’re spending a lot of money on legal fees. We’re being sued by a lot of people right now. A lot of our white employees are suing us for racial discrimination.” I burst out laughing and said, “What the fuck?”

“Yea,” he shook his head. “They say we fired all of them so we could keep our Hispanic and other minority work force to minimize our labor costs. Now some of the Hispanics are suing us for racial discrimination. Say we only fired them and none of our white employees. We’re not too worried about that.  Like 60% of our workforce salaried or otherwise is a minority. Anyway,  I  just wanted you to know it was nothing personal with denying your request to change offices,” he told me.

Pops was referring to a request I put in to switch offices. I liked my corner office, but some of the bigger offices with bigger windows were now open due to all the layoffs. “I know we have a lot of vacant offices,” he continued. “But, truth is Napoleon wanted to dissolve your position. I had to fight for you.”

Napoleon is our CEO. Cool guy in his 60’s, short, and depending on you ask he’s worth 30 - 80 million. Occasionally he’ll bring in one of his babes. Mostly to show off the company and his corner office which has 3 walls of glass and sitting at roughly 1400 square feet – probably bigger than or almost as big as most apartments. The ladies are usually 2 or 3 feet taller than him. Cute bitches. They got the names that strippers steal like Isadora, Milena, Giovanna, Fiora, and Anika.  He’s single so they probably fall into the “spoiled gf” relationship category but I know the game. His old, short ass is paying for kitty just like me only on a much GRANDER scale.  

Pops was like, “I went to bat for you. Told him everything you do for us and I even threw in some shit I Googled. Not sure if you did all what I put in my report or not. I told him how you come to work everyday and you’re always here.”  In the back of my mind I was like, “I am?” Truth be told, I’m always skipping out of work for some sugaring.

I sat there motionless. Not sure what to say. My sugar life passed before my very eyes. Playing out like a movie that suddenly stopped due to some malfunction. My heart skipped a beat seemingly. When the layoffs started I just knew I was gone. Brothers are always the first to go. Plus with my salary I just knew they were going to fire me. But 18 months later I’m still here. Even issued me more restricted stock on top of what I already have. Wasn’t long before I thought I was safe. Locked in. Guess I was wrong.

“Um thanks man,” I said, picking up my pride from the floor. “I really appreciate it.” He stood to leave. I stood with him and shook his hand. “Don’t worry about it,” Pops said. “Most of the Execs know and appreciate what you do. And we were going to spend more money hiring contractors to feel your position which counters why we hired you in the first place. Anyway, didn’t want you to think I was being pissy about the office change. Just wasn’t a good time to move you. You know?”

When he left I fell back into my chair. A mix of anger and relief filled me. Owning my own business with the wife I knew where Napoleon was coming from. Shit I’ve ruthlessly fired people before all in the name of saving $$$ and maintaining my bottom line. I won’t even get into all of the input I had in who got to stay and leave during all the company layoffs. Now my ticket was being punched. Now it didn’t feel so good with the shoe on the other foot.

I texted Bubbles and cancelled. For all I knew she would have cancelled anyway at the rate she was going. She had already cancelled Saturday.

Couldn’t do much work the rest of the day so I cut out early. I thought me and Napoleon had been cool. We talked all the time. Guess that wasn’t the case. That night I didn’t feel like answering anons or updating my journal. I had a few text messages but I ignored them. I felt like the floor had got pulled out from under me and then put back. I felt like shit.

Tuesday Feb 30th I felt better when I woke up. My mind was clear after a good night’s sleep. I snapped out of my hurt pride and came back to reality. The income from the business, savings, and also my side business of consulting would hold me over until I found another job if it came to that. But, I could only have one SB and that would only be temporary if my unemployment was a lasting one. Nah. Fuck that. I got bitches to take care. Rent, car notes, bags and shoes to buy, plane tickets to buy, passports and visas to be paid for so chicks can come see me or me them…nah. The thought of having to slow down on my lifestyle suddenly gave me strength. I wasn’t shell shocked anymore. My resolve had been strengthened. Whether I was paranoid or not, it was time to start looking for another job – just in case. Better safe than sorry.  Still, I decided to consult the Oracle. About mid-morning I closed my office door and called her.

“Nigga you should have been gone,” she told me after she’d heard everything. “I told you months ago your ticket was coming up. I don’t know why you thought you were safe.” I asked if she could help with my resume and she said she would. “I think you’re being paranoid. They’re not going to get rid of you. Not yet anyway. Just relax. You’re over reacting.”

That was the good stuff. But then the Oracle had more jokes than help: “Man look. You losing your job is bad for the economy. Chicks gonna be losing apartments, car’s repo’d. Nail salons about to close down. I’m gonna help you out just so I can prop up the local economy and shit. Firecracker gotta find a job. Bubbles gonna have to ask her baby daddy for more child support. All the other chicks you fuck with off and on gonna get their cel phone’s turned off. Nah man. This shit ain’t good for the economy.  I’m telling you.” She went on cracking jokes. I had to hang up with her. She was on a roll.

All day the other managers were quiet like they knew something. I knew it was just paranoia but I couldn’t escape it. I started cleaning out my cabinets and drawers. I cancelled my meet with FC too. I figure she was going to cancel anyway since her period was on the verge of starting, so might as well start the day out right.  Not sure whats wrong with her at this point. All that crying she’d done on Friday had me wondering. With the job situation suddenly seeming shaky…maybe its time to drop FC anyway. She’s leaving in the summer anyway. Put all my energy into Bubbles.

I tabled the decision for now. I spent the afternoon tweaking my resume and started looking at job ads. They didn’t look good. Pay scale’s looking real low.  Finding a job in my pay range will most likely require a recruiter to land a job. But I couldn’t sit around and wait on a recruiter to work their magic. They may or may not even call. By the end of the day I’d managed to send over a dozen resumes. No tumblr, no texting, no SA. Just focus on business.

But the sugar gods are always busy. They never leave you be. By day’s end I got a text from an old sugarbabe. I call her Fluffy. I had run across her about the same time I’d started talking to Firecracker and Casino.  I don’t mind 19 year olds, but I prefer them to be a little mature. Fluffy acted like she was still 15. We only hung out for a couple of weeks before I moved on. Too childish & our conversations were quite painful. Strained even. I had to keep coming up with shit to talk about.

Sexually she was completely different. Fluffy was quite mature in that area. : ) Not sure if she liked me or what, but I could pretty much do whatever I wanted to do to her. She wasn’t like that at first. But after she gave the kitty up for the first time, she changed on me. Fluffy went from sweet little girl to...I don’t have a term for it really. Any position, anal, swallowing, no condom, cum inside her, sex in the car, head in the car, threesome with another girl….whatever. If I could think it up I could do it.

She was even ok with me coming to her dorm room.  I didn’t like it though. Awkward at best. Young dudes coming at me like “Yo pops, you here to see your daughter?” But lowkey its more like, “Nah. Just here to fuck a couple of these chicks you claiming.”

After a few text she told me I didn’t have to worry about the money – if that’s what was keeping me from her. “I just need that dick up inside me…” and a few other naughty text like that. “Nobody fucking me like you did Daddy” As tempting as all that was, I was looking for something more out my SB. She’d be perfect for a new Daddy just getting in the game. But I needed a girl that could dress up for and be comfortable at an expensive restaurant. At least be old enough to drink the wine. But I digress. Despite the option of having my way with her, I passed. After a few more texts, I just ended it and let the rest go unanswered.

I was feeling much better that night after getting my situation together in case I did get laid off. The Oracle was right. It probably wasn’t going to happen any time soon but I definitely got a reality check and a nudge that I needed to take care of my vanilla business a little better and not be so lost in the sugar world.

TBH the office is sort of miserable and dead with all the offices half full now.  All the people I used to talk to are gone. My severance package was going to be pretty good though. Everyone getting laid off had been getting quite a nice lump sum. Plus I have shares so I’d  be sitting pretty. Plenty of money to play with a SB but definitely any more than that.

Truth is I needed about 3 months off from work. If I got fired, first thing I was going to do was book a trip to Los Angeles. See my family, maybe smoke weed and hang out on Venice beach. Then hit Hollywood with my nephew who’s only about 10 years younger than me.  There’s a couple of tumblr chicks I wouldn’t mind meeting up with either. If nothing more than just dinner and some clubs. It could be some platonic shit. Doesn’t always have to be physical. Might even hop up to the Bay area. The wife had already told me she was cool with me going alone. Lowkey she didn’t like my fam in Cali. That’s a blogpost by itself.

I was about to go to bed when Bubbles texted me. “I’m falling for you,” she said. Then she followed up with “I’m drunk.”

Oh great drunk texting. Some people say the truth comes out when you’re drunk. Some say drunk texting doesn’t necessarily mean its true. Who knows? Then she texted, “Well I’m falling for you but not in a stalker, leave your wife kind of way.” I told her to be careful and not to drive. She said they were taking uber. I let the conversation end there. Sugarbabies will drive you crazy if you let them.

Wednesday Mar 1st The day was pretty mundane until I got another random text. This time it was Jynx, a ex-stripper I used to play with it. One of my ratchet chicks.  WTF?  I ain’t the most handsome man around. My body ain’t looked good since the 90’s. My sex can’t be that good. Last time we were together she had got mad at me swore me off.  That had been 4 or 5 months ago. We went back and forth with a few bullshit messages before I called her out. “I thought you were done with me?” I asked. “I was,” she said. “But I’m not done with that dick.” I laughed out loud. One of my coworkers was walking by and stopped. He asked what I was laughing at but I waived him away. “You just want some money,” I told her. “No,” she said, “I can get money anywhere. Dick too. It ain’t hard to find. But I ain’t gone lie, your dick is the truth…These dudes ain’t really satisfying me. And you don’t mind giving a bitch some money.”

A burst out laughing again. Jynx was cool. She may seem ratchet but she’s actually pretty intelligent. She had recently stopped stripping and got her a job at one of the Big 3 mobile phone companies. Jynx used to be with some big time dope dealer years ago, affording her a lifestyle most dream of. But then he got busted and got a 10 year stretch. That’s Fed time. Day for day. The C-class she had was bought brand new. Cash. But it was at least 10 years old. She had two kids by him too. So she left the state they were in and moved a couple of hours away from me. I asked her why she quit stripping. Jynx said she was getting to old. “Stripping is for young bitches” she had said. But damn, she ain’t but 29.

“I’m looking for a bartending job now,” she told me. “For extra cash. Real talk I wish you could be my extra cash. But I don’t see you be once every 3 or 4 months.” I tell Jynx we can hook up next time I’m in her area. But then she hits me with some new shit. “I can even come to you. Meet you halfway. Or you come here but I don’t mind driving there. Just as long as its regular. You know how you like to disappear…” Jynx is LD so its hard to keep up with the relationship. In the end, I told her we could do something in a few weeks. With FC flaking and Bubbles cancelling more and more, might as well as keep my options open.

Bubbles hit me up apologizing for the drunk texts from Monday. She hoped she didn’t scare me with all that mushy talk. I let her know it was cool. Kinda like a chick having feelings for me. But for now I can’t take her serious. Its too early. We haven’t been together that long. I’ll be seeing her tomorrow so we’ll talk about it some more.

[passionatemedley]

This. This goes out to him. To me. To us. To what we were. To what we could have been. Yesterday, was the first time in a long time that I actually spoke to you face to face or even seen you in person in 7 months. I never expected us to be apart for that long. Remember how at some point we saw each other going through college together, living together, having a life together and even getting married? Oh so long ago, am I right? Well I really didn't see the end of us coming. Honestly... I wasn't expecting it. Seeing you. I didn't think we would have this talk so soon. I thought we would one day cross paths or I'd hear about you in some paper about you doing something amazing or I'd see you at a coffee shop or I'd run into you with your family and me with my family. I imagined it all but it happened last night. Honestly, I simply just wanted to see the view and then you said you were going to come out and part of me was afraid and wanted to leave but part of me wanted to stay. I didn't know if I was ready to see you or to face you...but obviously there was some part of me that was ready enough to make me stay. When I saw you walk onto that octagon I didn't know what to do. I looked off into the distance just wondering if I should say anything but I decided I should. What I said to you wasn't everything I wanted to say and I'm sure you weren't able to say everything you wanted to also which is fine. There was a lot of silence but it's not bad. Sometimes we need silence. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. I was telling the truth, do know, I did love you. I loved you full heartedly. I loved you to the best of my abilities and I apologize for not being able to give you the love you wanted but I did what I could and I did my best. I tried to be there and I'm sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't tell me things..I guess we both couldn't. I really was telling the truth when I said I was genuinely happy for you and your gf. I am. I'm happy you make each other happy and that's all I wanted from the start. I've always wanted you to be happy and that was why I had to leave. I know I said I left because I needed to choose me for once, and that is true I did need to choose myself for once, but also, I knew you wouldn't be happy with me and I knew I couldn't make you happy, at least not at that time so I gave up...I gave up because I wanted you to be happy whether it was with me or not. I needed you to be happy and I needed to be happy. Knowing you for 3 whole years, the reason why I really loved you was because I wanted to show and give you love and give you things you never had. I wanted to be the person to give it all to you but I failed I guess..ever since the time we first started talking..ever since that first time you opened up to me...my love for you kept growing and growing and if it wasn't I wouldn't have stayed or cried all the oceans I cried but at the end of the day, since the very first time you opened up, all I wanted for you was happiness and health. Believe it or not...the first time I saw you..I just knew. I just knew you were going to be someone significant in my life. It was a hot summer day during PEOPLE, it was rehearsals for the end of the year show case, we were all outside, I was with my friends, and I saw you walking across the lawn in your black dress shirt, red bow tie, the sun was beaming down at your face and your smile..your smile was what really caught me...and I thought to myself, "three weeks has passed already and I've never seen this guy?" I asked my friends and they knew who you were and they told me you were from Madison and I just stood there, thinking that it wasn't possible. From the first time I saw you...I knew great things were in stored for you. Now let me tell you, I have good intuition believe it or not but I knew and I still believe that great things are in stored for you. I knew you had potential to be great, to be amazing, to be spectacular. I believed in you before I even knew you. I still very much do believe in you and in what you can achieve. I always wanted to show you all the great things I saw in you..but you wouldn't let me...anyway just know that you're an amazing person and that you are going to be on top one day. You said you thought we had a lot in common, but realized we didn't. That's where you're wrong. We had so much more in common than you think...I guess you never or still didn't realize it. If we really didn't mesh well...we would have never come back to each other time and time again. We both loved nature. We both love adventuring. We both love photography. We both love naps. We both love YouTube. We both love music and chill nights. We both love talking for hours. We both love being loved. We're both kind, generous, and caring people. We're both good people. There's so much more and the list could go on forever, but I'll leave it as is. I noticed all your interests, all your quirks and all your tendencies..I noticed. I'm not sure if you noticed my likes and interests tho...but pls don't insult our past relationship because you thought we were too different...because we weren't...we really weren't When I said I needed to find myself you said no one finds themselves until they're dead and you're right...but I said I needed to find myself because I was lost. Obviously you weren't able to see that and you still don't. You didn't notice I was drowning. I was drowning in sadness, in misery, in shame, in self hate, I was drowning and I had no one to help pick me back up but myself and college, college was the first time I was able to breathe again. It was the first thing to help me breathe and I needed to breathe or else..or else something else could have happened...I needed you most but you didn't see it in time... You said, in the summer you realized if you didn't know if you could see me in your future...but you still came back which frustrates me. It hurt. If you didn't see me in your future then you should have never came back. You should have just let things be...let us move on..it sucks to now realize that when you were telling me you "loved me" you didn't...you were always having second thoughts about us and that was one of the problems..you didn't know what you want, and I guess you never did. You also said that ppl don't change in college, it's about realization. You're correct, there is a lot of realization but there is also a lot of change. Realization and change goes hand in hand. You realize things and then you change. I changed a lot. I'm stronger. I'm more independent. I realized I needed to do things for myself. I realized I needed to be happy and so I took my happiness and my life into my own control and that is why now, now I love life. I love living. I haven't had a depressing episode in so, so, so long. I'm happy. I can breathe again. The people on my life are people who contribute to my life and who make my life so much better and I'm so thankful. For once I'm not depressed. You also said you realized the kind of people you wanted n your life. And last night...that kind of destroyed me a little inside. It made me question myself. It made me wonder if I was that awful or if I wasn't good enough because I tried so hard to love and show you that I loved you and I tried so hard to be there for you and I guess it was kind of insulting to me...but I guess you're right. I also realized the people I wanted on my life and we...we just weren't good for each other. Not then. Maybe not even now yet but we are still growing and I do believe that one day it may be possible to be friends again because we were good friends. I guess you also didn't have to tell me that you have seen me a few times on campus...I didn't have to know...why did you tell me. Why. What was your reasoning. You could have just let me believe that we never saw each other. Also, you didn't have to ask me about sharky or tell me about how she loves sharks or how she knows I have it because honestly...when you talk about your new gf with your ex who is STILL trying to get over you and recover..it hurts a little. I could feel your resentment in your voice and in the things you said. I could feel it. You may say that you don't have anything against me but I know you do. I also know you think we could never work, and at the end of the day I think we could never work also because of all the things we went through...but I know we could have. If only you realized how to treat people better sooner...and if only I realized how to be more patient, I honestly believe that we could have been something amazing. I really do believe in that. I really believed that we could have worked. I honestly don't know anymore. It things are meant to be it will be but as of now we won't work. We are still learning and I'm glad you learned from us. I'm just sorry we realized things too late. Also, please let me know what I did. What did I do wrong so I can reevaluate and better myself. Please tell me. I need the truth and the honest truth. I need to learn and grow. I was also sad because I was so lonely. You had someone to go talk to after but I had no one. I was questioning myself and my self worth again. I asked if I was too hard to love. I asked if I will ever find love. I asked so many questions and I was so sad but I realized I know my worth and I know I deserve so much more for myself and I know I should never ask about my self worth. I know I will be loved. I know it will happen, it just hasn't happened yet. I guess we both needed that talk and that awkward hug. I realized a lot more. I realized I didn't love you anymore. I didn't feel it anymore. I didn't feel that spark or that attraction I once used to. It was gone. All I had left was the memories. You know, I'll always care. I'll always be here for you. You'll always have a place in my heart. We shared so many firsts and honestly I think here and there we both will think of each other but that's okay and it's normal. We just have to remember to not stick to the past and live our current lives. You know, after our talk last night, I wasn't sure what to feel. I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. I wasn't happy. I wasn't content. Then I got home and got a little sad and cried a little. I couldn't sleep. I got up sad. Cried a little more then stopped. I thought about it all morning, even when I was at my volunteering orientation at UW-Health. I thought so much and when I was driving there the rain was pouring but as soon as I left, the sun was out and oh so bright the breeze was great. What was I thinking about? At the orientation I realized that I really wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I was focused my life and my career goals. I really do see myself as a doctor one day and I know you didn't see me as a doctor but I'll prove you wrong. I'll prove you that this was the place for me because when I waked in, I felt like I belonged. I felt like the hospital was the place for me to work at. It made me happy. I realized how happy I was to be volunteering and to one day work there. & as I was driving back, I realized how much I love life. I realized how happy I was. I realized I really am content with my life and I'm glad we both decided to end things. I now have time to focus on myself and love myself. I now have time to be the woman I want to be. So just know, I am doing well. I am happy. I am content. Life is great and I couldn't ask for more and I know your life is well too. I hope you can one day love life as much as I do and I hope one day you can realize why I loved you so much. I wish you well old friend and old lover. Maybe one day we can mend our broken friendship. I'll see you on the flip side ((: nothing but happiness, care, and respect for you ❄️🍯🍞