#I wrote most of this back in 2017 so ty for finally giving me a good avenue to use it

[sophistopheles]

hey!! ty for posting about the article talking about continuation of aa. I don’t know as much about the production of aa5 and 6 but you mentioned a person names Eshiro being responsible for the “no spoilers” rule being replaced. what/who is that? just in general giving u the floor to rant about aa5 and 6 beyond what u were able to say in that post and ur hopes for the future 💙✨ ok bye! :)

hiya!! (post here)

So, the story of why aa5 and aa6 are so different to aa4 basically boils down to a change in the team making it (and Eshiro was part of this).

Most people know Shu Takumi wrote and directed the original trilogy of Phoenix Wright games and then worked on Apollo Justice (although the director was technically Mitsuru Endo, people tend to think of AJ as the last "Takumi" mainline game). After that, he left the Ace Attorney team to complete and release Ghost Trick in 2010, and then he became involved in the development of Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright, which released in 2012.

While he was doing all of this, a "secondary" Ace Attorney team had arisen to keep working on the franchise - they had almost all worked on previous AA games and in 2009 and 2011 they were able to release the two Ace Attorney Investigations games.

The two most well-known members of this "team" are the producer Motohide Eshiro and the director Takeshi Yamazaki, and the fact that AAI2 is so beloved shows that they are by no means unable to make really, really good Ace Attorney games. But, with Takumi still busy with his other projects, and a good few years having passed since AA4, this team was asked to create a fifth Ace Attorney game in his absence.

This was, obviously, a challenge, and Capcom were likely in quite a rush to get a new mainline game out soon. Additionally, initial fan reception of AA4 was really not that good - many people hated the decision to disbar Phoenix in particular - and the game itself had many loose ends.

Eshiro, as the producer, decided that for AA5 it was better for the writers to not be held back by previous games, which manifested in what people think of now as the "no spoilers rule". This is why AA5 does not follow up on AA4, and likewise for AA6. Nowadays this decision is widely regarded as a very bad move, but on some level I empathise with it - AA has always been kind of reluctant to spoil past games, and you were always operating with the presumption that the player might be new to the series and wanted to go back to the previous games. Writing a follow-up that addressed AA4, while being acceptable to newcomers and not spoiling almost all of AA4's biggest twists, without the guy who originally came up with the story, would prove really difficult.

So they wrote Dual Destinies as a new story which followed AA4 but didn't really address it, and indulged in fanservice to try and restore the series status quo. It seems like the scenario changed a lot during development and they were pretty crunched for time, too - the final villain's models are apparently called FINALBOSS in the game files and completely broken if you look at them from any other angle.

After working on AA5, Yamazaki was apparently exhausted and didn't really want to make another Ace Attorney. Unfortunately for him, Shu Takumi was still off on his Sherlock & Souseki Victorian-Meiji Adventure, writing the Great Ace Attorney duology, and he wouldn't get done until 2017 when DGS2 came out.

Eshiro managed to persuade Yamazaki to work on AA6 by bringing him to conventions, and having seen the passion and overjoyed reactions from fans after AA5 came out, Yamazaki agreed to direct the sixth game, with Takuro Fuse (AA5 and 6's main artist) acting as co-director to ease the load. Some of AA6's cases were also created by guest writers; the SOJ artbook mentions a struggle for ideas, which explains the outlandish setting of Khura'in.

To the best of my knowledge (and I'm not sure this account is 100% accurate so anyone please feel free to correct me) this is why AA5 and AA6 are the way they are. Nobody is particularly to blame for how things turned out; there were just a couple of bad decisions along the way which has resulted in the games being looked back on by a lot of people with some contempt. Given the circumstances, I'm actually pretty impressed with how enjoyable Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice are, even if they don't reach the heights of the trilogy.

Yamazaki left Capcom in 2019. Eshiro went on to produce Dai Gyakuten Saiban 2, and I'm pretty sure he's still at Capcom.

What all of this means for the next Ace Attorney title is completely speculation, but the short version of the story is that Shu Takumi has finally come back from getting milk Herlock Sholmes Jail writing other games, and seems to be getting hyped up by capcom as the "Director of the Ace Attorney Series". This makes it very likely he will direct and write the next Ace Attorney game. At present we have no idea what this means - he could follow up on AA4's story as well as he's able, he could write another Phoenix game, he might go rogue and write an Athena game, he might do something completely different. But the next AA game will likely be around the quality of AA1-2-3-4 and DGS, not another AA5/6 situation.

As for the producer, this comes from the November 2020 leaks (which was very real - it's where we first got the TGAA localisation confirmed), but the only thing we heard about their projected AA7 was that it would be produced by a guy called Yasayuki Makino. He also produced The Great Ace Attorney collection, and if you read his dev blogs from that release, he credits AA4 for getting him into the series initially, and generally seems to be a huge Ace Attorney fan himself, pushing hard for TGAA to get a worldwide re-release after its unimpressive initial sales (and look how well that's worked out...!)

That's basically the story. I think AA7 will be great, actually, but at this point I will literally take anything, Capcom please my family is starving

[lumi-klovstad-games]

We’re also never informed what kind of lawyer the female Sole Survivor was. If she was a JAG officer, she’s still military and conceivably would have gone through regular training like any other soldier.

We also don’t know what she was before she was a lawyer (and her degree is heavily implied to be recent), so it’s possible she’s done years of military service and is now moving out of that into a more civilian field (a lot of people sign on for the free college irl, after all).

With either of these possibilities, it’s also easy to imagine she first met Nathan while in the service.

She could have also been National Guard due to the lower levels of commitment, which would have left her relatively free to pursue her law studies while also giving her grounding in military training.

America also has a BIG gun culture and in the 1950′s (which Fallout is heavily based on) had a very prevalent and well established Civilian Marksmanship Program.

There’s lots of reasons a female Sole Survivor could be realistically wicked good with guns that don’t call for her being a synth.

Okay. So now for Part II (in which we return the conversation to that of Father’s character as a human being):

People also seem very keen to take the Director of the freaking Institute at his word that he’s actually Shaun at all for some reason.

This is a man with all the motive and opportunity to lie about that in the world.

At no point does he actually offer any sort of hard evidence, and his attempts at “affection” are cold, distant, and unconvincing. While his remarks about “until today, I have had no love to share” could plausibly explain that, his interactions with the Sole Survivor are overwhelmingly manipulative and he definitely sees you more as an asset (and possible successor) than as family; his behavior in general is detached and similar to a high functioning sociopath, which also as a bonus explains why he treats Synths the way he does. To some extent, genuine humans are no different to him than Synths: everything and everyone is merely an asset to secure the Institute’s future dominance in the Commonwealth. He says what he needs to say to provoke the reaction he wants out of people and doesn’t necessarily stand behind a word of it. Result: I don't think Father is actually Shaun. Of course he can claim this all he wants, but the Sole Survivor has no way of independently verifying this: Father has a vested interest in remaining an unreliable narrator, and also literally controls all paths to the truth that don't involve going to the Brotherhood of Steel (who likewise can’t be trusted to give an honest answer if that honestly has potential to interfere with their mission). 

From what we see of the Commonwealth, paternity tests are VERY DIFFICULT to pull off. Likely, the Brotherhood could do one. The Institute sure as hell could do one, but Father's goal is manipulating the Sole Survivor into replacing Kellogg, and eventually, himself. It'd be like asking Stalin to conduct an ethics investigation on himself. OF COURSE HE'S GONNA SAY WHAT HE'S GONNA SAY.

But consider the actual evidence. What happens in this lead up to meeting Father at all? 

Why, quite a lot, and if Father's "plan" as described was actually a plan, he'd have to be a goddamn prophet.

He'd have to know that you wouldn't get mauled to death by Yao Guais and Deathclaws, eaten by Feral Ghouls, killed by raiders, or any of the other fun and exciting means of death that the Wasteland has on offer, and then meet EXACTLY the right people who point you in EXACTLY the right direction about a half dozen times, that you'd somehow kill Kellogg (who has a well earned reputation as a One Man Army the mere mention of which makes some of the most hardened mercs in the Commonwealth shit themselves with fear) and THEN have access to the tech to use his brain as a film reel to poke through his memories to find out that the Institute uses teleportation to get in and out. 

He also has absolutely no guarantee that you wouldn’t just mini-nuke Kelogg in the fight and that there’d be anything left to salvage. 

Then he has to be able to predict that you can track down Virgil, kill a Courser, DECRYPT THE COURSER’S BRAINCHIP SOMEHOW, build a fucking teleporter INTERCEPTOR out of scraps, and come meet him in the first place.

How could ANYONE have reasonably predicted all that in advance?

There are simply way WAY too many points of not even possible but MOST GODDAMN LIKELY catastrophic failure in that plan. Had even a single thing happened slightly differently, had the Sole Survivor been 0.001% less lucky, the whole thing would have been shot to hell just like America was about two minutes after the bombs fell.

Maybe the Sole Survivor takes one too many bullets. Maybe Kellog's Hippocampus doesn't survive his death. Maybe Skinny Malone decides to finally trash Nick Valentine once and for all instead of locking him up. Maybe Dogmeat gets killed by literally ANYTHING in the Commonwealth that could kill a German Shepard (which realistically means everything -- the place is somehow more hostile than all of Australia's wildlife put together). Maybe Glory errs on the side of pragmatism and blows you away with her minigun when you first meet the Railroad.

Tons of stuff could have gone wrong that nobody could have predicted, but Father acts as though you followed his plans to the letter. That all that was meant to engineer a meeting with you. There would have been a ton of ways to do that in a simpler manner with a much lower risk of failure, starting by beaming a Courser right outside Vault 111 to say "Looking for your son? Come with me. We have a bit of explaining to do, but you can see him right now if you like."

So either Father is either a future-seeing prophet with a magic mirror or something, or he’s actually even more shocked than you are that you actually made it to the Institute and is just trying to cover it up by saying “Sure yeah I’m your son and psssht yeah of course I totally meant to do all that.”

The alternative to that particular Occam's Razor is that he's simply so addicted to complexity that he'd get dizzy if you asked him to walk in a straight line.

He’s (probably) not Shaun. 

It’s just a lie he told that grew bigger and bigger with each telling as he grew convinced that the Sole Survivor was so dangerous that they had to be harnessed by the Institute instead of someone else (or worse, being allowed to remain a free agent), and, preferably, molded into his replacement.

At least, that's my read on the situation.

If he is Shaun, the game does a TERRIBLE job of convincing me, since we know that Father is a man of "rather flexible morality" depending on how he can justify things, meaning he can reasonably break any of his own rules and claim he didn't actually break those rules. 

Added to that, Doctors Sun and Crocker (independent medical authorities with no known ties to any faction) both confirm that surgery can change eye color, skin color, skeletal construction and musculature in the Fallout universe and is therefore not just a gameplay feature, meaning Father's physical resemblance to the Sole Survivor means less than nothing in and of itself as the Institute is likely to have even more advanced capacities for surgery (they literally BUILD wholesale human beings on a factory floor, I mean c’mon). Deacon also supports the notion that surgery can change literally everything about a person’s appearance, but, admittedly, he’s…. Deacon and his word isn’t worth much unless it’s confirmed by independent authorities in the field… like Crocker and Sun. 

Everything Father sets up can actually be knocked down by something else you've encountered in the lore of the game, so this leaves his ultimate parentage ambiguous at best. He might be Shaun. He might not be. It's up to the player, ultimately, to decide (at least unless Fallout 5 somehow addresses it, which would cement things in canon) whether he is or not.

And I remain unconvinced that he is. 

Fallout 4 maintains a LOT of intentional ambiguity about most of its primary characters, which is a big part of what leaves it ripe for role play and player-made OCs.

FALLOUT 4 — 2015, Bethesda Game Studios

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH18

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 4,121

- Author Note: I apologize if some of the thing in BTS caretaker sound cringy, i wrote this in 2017 lool so the old me is so hmmm , hahaha as much i wanted to edit it again, Im afraid i am gonna change the whole thing :< so i leave it be ahhaa thank u for reading <333

Previous | Next

Chapter 18

“To earth Ji Seul, why you look extremely lost these days?” Mrs Hwang nagged while her hand place the pancake swiftly filling the empty plate. Exhaling a tired sigh, Seul pinched the bridge of her nose easing the tense in her head. Her mother was not convinced with her answers, so she probed from Seul again “Did something happen at work? With the boys again? Or were you caught by their managers?” she bombarded her with questions.

Seul grimaced “It has nothing to do with the boys. Thankfully, I didn’t bump into any of them these days. They must be busy” her tone of voice was rather confusing at that time. Mrs Hwang on the other hand noticed the discomfort on her daughter’s face.

“If it has nothing to do with any of the boys, why Jin sent me a text in the middle of night just to ask your whereabouts?”

Seul look dumfounded as she flinched upon hearing Jin’s name “Why is he texting you and asking my whereabouts?” she mumbled with a little confusion evident across her face. As far as she concerned, the last text that they exchanged was two days ago. A simple new year message with a smiley emoji at the end of it, and she did give him a quick reply afterwards.

“According to Jin, he couldn’t reach you since yesterday”

“Why is he so clingy? What a mama boy, you are not even his mother. You are mine” Seul rolled her eyes in annoyance. Now, Jin went behind her back just to annoy her. Great.

“Technically, I raised those boys. They can claim me as their mother whenever they want. So, did you actually check your phone?” the older woman raised her eyebrows with so much interest. Most likely her interest was focusing on Seul’s love life. Considering how Jin would always come to her after his fail attempt to reach Seul, it appeared a little too fishy to her.

Her replied was a short no yet she quickly grabbed her phone to look for Jin’n text. Seul bit her lower lips reading through Jin’s message that sounded unimportant at first however her eyes rounded upon reading the last text left by him.

“OH MY GOD!”

“What? Why? What did Jin say?” glancing at Seul’s bewildered expression trigger her curiosity.

“OH GOD! I TOTALLY FORGOT!” she patted her forehead softly, humming to some low cusses. Unamused, Mrs Hwang gave her daughter a stern look still waiting for her answers, and the panic girl finally spoke up “They are filming their music video today, so Jin has already placed an order from our store a week ago. A food support for the staffs! I totally forgot about that. And I am in charge of it. Shoot, how can I forget that!”

“Tsk, Ji Seul when will you stop this clumsiness of yours”

She took a glance at her phone screen again “I only have three hours to prepare the thing” grunting under her breath, she tapped her fingers on the table nervously.

“And why are you still here? Go, before you upset your client!” her mother gave her a final look accompanied by a soft flick against her forehead making the girl squirmed. Pouting away the pain that consumed her, she leaned in giving her mother a quick peck on the cheek.

“I will get going now, don’t forget your treatment today. I have reminded Hoon about it, he is free this evening and will pick you up. Don’t go alone mother” she reminded her like an old grandmother causing the older woman to chuckle in her seat.

She nodded “Alright old woman, stop nagging me. Now, go!”

“Bye mother” with a final wink, clumsy Seul strutted to the main door with one hand tying her shoelace and other hand clutching onto phone near her ears. It would be one hell of a day if she failed to deliver it as requested. Her friendship with Seokjin was that close to the extent of exchanging the information of their personal life. The only thing he knew was Seul had another job which wasn’t only caretaking the boys, and that she worked in a tea shop.

Therefore, it led to this task that she’s willing to do for Jin.

 ----------------

“Alright that cup should go that way, you don’t want them to knock it off when they line up later” Seul scanned the truck diligently making sure they reposition the things that she pointed out few seconds ago. With a satisfied smile, Seul beamed “That will do! Thank you” the male shot her a grateful smile and proceed with other job.

Thanks to Wongeun, she was able to complete everything within two hours since the guy kept on track of special services requested by their client making it easier for Seul tending her job. She arrived at the filming location that was set one hour away from the city. An abandoned building, and it was intimidating at first but as soon as her eyes laid on the vehicles and staffs working on the other side put her at ease. At least she was heading to the right place.

One of the staffs in her early 30’s walked up to Seul with a friendly smile “Are you here for BTS food support from Armys?” she tilted her head scrutinizing the banner hanging loosely against the truck.

“Oh no, this is actually BTS food support for the staff. They have personally hired our shop to deliver it for everyone” her small eyes rounded as if trying to process the information that she just received and soon to be replaced with a wide grin.

“Really? We are not aware of it! Thank you, I will bring you to meet their manager then. We are filming the last scene at the 4th floor” she escorted Seul as she nodded willingly, tailing the friendly staff from back. Seul had to find warmer place, her white was turning a rosy in the cold.

Gnawing at the area, Seul was amazed to see the huge set prepared for the filming. The filming set was even colder indoor, though it was dusty, she could see staffs running from every corner tending their job patiently. Since this was her first time, she was a little excited to witness everything in live. Every nook and cranny of the area were filled with staffs and expensive equipment. That made this thing turned into a little dreamy for herself. Not that she ever imagined taking a step into such a large set, it was more amazing to be able to witness the boys danced to their new songs before her.

Hiding behind the staffs, she took a peak at the loud music boomed across the room. She heard shuffled of footsteps against the dirty floor, they were dancing hard. Amused Seul could not take off her eyes at the boys dancing to the music so perfectly and every step taken by them were super on point.

Who could stop these babytan. They were beyond amazing.

She noticed how their hair colour had changed following their upcoming back. Even though, she was watching them attentively, Seul made sure to be careful just in case one of the boys noticed her presence there. Facing the boys were the last thing that she ever wanted today.

Light taps on her shoulder brought her out of her dreamy state “Miss, the manager is still out for an errand, but he requested you to wait in the waiting room” Seul smiled and complied to her words. Taking a last glance at the boys, she didn’t realize her eyes met Jungkook’s causing the maknae to lose focus for a second.

“Cut! I think we need to retake one more time, Jungkook’s part is not in sync with others” the director exclaimed.

Jungkook bowed deeply “I apologize for my mistake Director-nim”

“Nah, it is alright. You guys have danced for an hour non-stop. Let’s take five!” Jungkook’s eyes were diligently looking for that one person that he hopped to see ever since the new year night. Ever since the thing he had with Seul three weeks ago, he had no time to visit the girl. Another thing was that, he totally forgot to ask for her number instead he just fled into thin air that night without a word.

What would she think of him?

“Jungkook-ah, your makeup next to be fixed” said one of the stylists making the younger guy to turn to her with a blank expression getting ready to be pampered again.

------------

Hoseok was monitoring their individual shots from the cameras while cackling excitedly. Stood beside him was sleepy Jin, whom ended up laughing along to Hoseok sudden outburst as they made fun of each other. When Jimin’s individual shot came in slow motion, the two older guys hollered “Look at Jiminie! He looks so squishy here” Hoseok retorted.

“I look super awkward here, look at my hand” pointed Jimin with a small pout.

“No, you are not! You look great, this look need to be protected at all cost” Jin smug proudly, resting one of his arms on Jimin’s shoulder. Namjoon’s butt in, chuckling away showing off his dimple “How did you stroke your hair like that? Does this hair need to be comb all the time” the leader teased Jimin only to receive a small whack from Jimin across his arm.

“I think Namjoon hyung looks the coolest when he raps” Jimin returned the compliment earnestly. To be truth, Namjoon is a cutie behind the camera but when he’s on camera his character change instantly as he’s living up to the name, Rap Monster. The boys would always spend their times monitoring each other during the break and ended up with compliments or mere tease just to liven up the mood.

Yoongi on the other side was getting his hair styled back to its original state earlier this morning, and immediately snapped his head to the boys’ direction upon he heard his name being summoned.

“Yoongi hyung running is as funny as me running” Namjoon gruffy giggled garnered the older guy’s attention.

“YAH KIM NAMJOON I HEARD THAT” Yoongi scowled with a meaningful glare.

Namjoon raised his hand in defeat “I did not say anything, Jimin did” like a flash he fled from the scene before getting nagged. Jimin gave the leader a disbelief looks as he returned his attention back to the screen, joining others laughing at their new victims, Jeon Jungkook.

The younger guy came with a confused face at first and quickly turned sour as soon as he realized his hyungs were teasing him. Jimin glanced at Jungkook’s side profile, smiling warmly like a proud brother he is, earning the latter’s attention. Noticing the stare, he received from Jimin, he swung his arm around Jimin’s neck, breaking into his cute bunny smile. They needed no word to describe how much they cared of each other, it was long gone ever since they became friends.

One single look meant everything. It was well understood by them.

Burying himself in his jacket deeper to seek warmth at the corner was Namjoon. He leaned against the cold wall, with his eye fixated on his phone screen. A message popped up from his screen got him to straighten his body almost immediately, as his forehead creased into deep frown.

His eyes scanned the area carefully making sure no one caught him acting weird before he left the area to more secluded place. Namjoon’s slender fingers glided across the screen and pressed his phone closed to his ears desperately to reach someone “Come on pick up” he grumbled in annoyance.

Attempt after attempt yet he failed to reach that one person he’s been dying to see since the news broke. His heart was broken into pieces upon receiving the news from Bang Pd a day ago however he would not let the thing to mess up his concentration on this filming.

Not to mention, he was scheduled to meet Bang Pd tomorrow so what’s the point of bringing it up now. He refused to believe the rumours that he heard at first, but it became more evident when he failed to reach the person to get the confirmation. Was it just him or the person was trying to avoid him? The truth was out to public now. The person had been keeping the secrets away from him when he deserved to know the truth.

It was hard for both of them. Yes.

It was complicated. Yes.

It did not give that person any right to go behind his back and left him in the dark.

It was torturous for him too.

Namjoon had been trying to keep his composure cool since yesterday despite the issues that he’s having right now. He did not want to disappoint his bandmates not when they had worked so hard for this comeback. Bangtan topped everything, he could not risk the group for his personal problem. When this filming end today, he would solve this thing right way.

Yes, that was the actual plan.

It came to no avail, when she came unannounced.

“SHIT! PICK UP” he grew frustrated. Namjoon really wanted to stop her from ruining this filming but that woman was so thick headed. For once and all, he had to end this. With that, he picked up all his might to make a quick run to the south wings. He sprinted using the last ounce of his energy in hope he would be the first one to reach there. Things could go from bad to worst in the blink of an eye.

Namjoon could not let that happen. Not here.

‘Please please don’t be inside’ he chanted inside his mind on repeat as he made a sharp turn at the corner, entering the room. His eyes landed on a figure with her back facing him, and without thinking straight he embraced the person into a tight hug.

He knew she was struggling in his embrace, but he did not care any of that. All he cared was to hug her one last time before he heard the sad truth. “Nuna…Is it true” he buried his face at the crook of her neck, fighting his own tears. Namjoon inhaled her sweet scent which he found oddly different that she usually does. Did she change her perfume?

Screw that. He demanded answer from her now. It was the truth he needed.

Her heavy breathing could be heard clearly as she was about to say something, however Namjoon was quick enough to hush her with another reply “No don’t answer yet. I don’t think I am ready to hear the answer from you, nuna” said Namjoon. His voice was completely broken as his tears already cascaded down wetting her shirt.

She gasped knowing Namjoon was crying and ran her fingers to his arm that wrapped securely around her, trying to loosen it up a little but come to no avail. He held onto her even closer “Nuna..Why is this happening to us? I thought, you wanted to wait until we figure this thing out” the latter mumbled.

“I am sorry nuna, it is my fault. I should have just make up my mind about you. If and only I am being honest to myself and Bang PD, this would not happen. You would not be….married to someone else… and you lost.. your job because of me” her mind paused momentarily, and her heart sank allowing the sadness engulfed it darkening her world.

“I tried… I really tried to fight for us. I did not try hard enough. Why are you marrying him when you told me that you love me? Am I a fool to you? Does my world is a little bit too much for you to handle? Why…you lied to me? You ignored me for a month. You did not even look at me. You are disgusted of me. Am I embarrassing you?” Namjoon’s word came out at once as if he’s rapping through it.

It stabbed her heart, the pain that he experienced, she could feel it.

Another silence.

Namjoon’s breath was shaky, he bit his lower lips holding back the resentment that he had for her. All the time that he spent to fight for this love burnt down to ashes in one night. He felt his world crumbled down in front of him, what else could he expect?

She’s married to someone else.

She gave him hope when she knew it was impossible to be together again.

She fooled him.

She toyed his feeling.

She was toxic.

Their relationship was toxic.

And, it came to this.

He must end it.

“I…am letting you go. Loving you was a mistake. Holding onto you was a mistake. Falling for you was my biggest mistake. I will mend my broken heart but..i will never forget what you did to us. You always put the blame on me. Now, I know who to blame” Namjoon murmured, raising his head slowly. He’s ready to face the truth now.

Bang PD was right, there’s no point on holding onto something that’s not his.

If she really loved him, she would wait for him.

“Fate is to be blame. The time that we spent was beautiful, so did the things that pain us” she heard him continue with so much regret and anger. His harsh breath gave her a goose bump. She needed a moment to decipher everything that she heard, why was it so complicated? It burdened her to witness something that she’s not supposed to.

‘Seul you are in a deep shit’ she mentally cursed hoping that Namjoon would allow her to say something and free her from this.

“Namjoon-ah….what are you do-ing?” there was another voice behind them, a familiar one to Namjoon. It came to his realization that the woman in front of her was not the same person that he expected it to be. Reality hit him so hard making him to spin clueless Seul facing him “W..hat” his face was losing colour when her face came into the picture, it was, Seul, their caretaker.

“What are you doing here…..” he breathed.

The woman made way inside with discomfort look evident across her face “We need to talk Namjoon-ah…” she eyed Seul from head to toe with a hint of jealousy. Namjoon still could not believe he just said something foolish in front of Seul and as a result showing the weak side of him. No one knew about his relationship except for his members. For some reason, Bang PD discovered it a day ago that rendered him speechless.

Out of nowhere, their caretaker was there and witnessed something that she’s not supposed to, how screwed up this could be. There was a long silence between the three, and Seul was still a little tipsy over Namjoon’s unintended confession awhile ago causing her mind went numb.

A pair of warm and small hand wrapped around her wrist startling her, bringing her soul back to her body. Seul’s dark brown orbs melted into Jimin’s soft one as their eyes met “Let’s go, you are at the wrong place” he murmured under his breath. Giving a quick glance at Namjoon, the older guy averted his gaze from meeting him. He was too embarrass to face Jimin as if he could read Jimin’s mind demanding an explanation and to fix the mess that he created.

Namjoon watched Jimin and Seul figure disappeared from his vicinity leaving him and his lover in the empty room.

“Let’s talk then”

He would find his ending soon.

 ------------

The two of them were standing side by side at the rooftop, staring blankly into the darkness. Seul knew the scene awhile ago was not intended for her to see, yet she couldn’t stop replaying it inside her mind. Namjoon’s sadness lingered and scarred her. Just how much it pains him, she wondered.

“Are you alright?” Jimin inquired could not comprehend the silence anymore. He gazed at Seul with concern hoping the girl was not too affected by it. Jimin ended up following Namjoon a while ago since he wanted to notify him about the filming only to see the guy dashed in panic passed him. Hence, to his surprise, Jimin saw Namjoon was holding onto a girl inside the room and he heard everything. Seul’s presence inside the room surprised him even more then he realized Namjoon messed it up.

He did not want to pressure the older guy anymore, therefore he came into decision to bring Seul out of the mess and let Namjoon settled his issues first. Sooner or later, Namjoon would open up to them about his problem. Jimin’s main concern was Seul seeing how pale she appeared, he knew it was not a good idea to stall.

It took her a moment to regain herself back before responded to Jimin accompanied with a heavy sigh “Yeah.. I did not expect to witness that. I feel guilty for…you know.. invading his privacy. It is his secret” Seul looked down on her feet with deep guilt.

“Don’t be.. Things happen for a reason. Namjoon hyung was not in a right mind either to differentiate you with her” Jimin smiled sadly.

“I am sorry for being a nuisance. I am complicating things for him. I really hope she doesn’t misunderstand. That will be bad”

“She deserved that. She hurt hyung. She deserved to be hurt” She decided to seal her mouth and not to ask further questions. Seul looked up, scrutinizing Jimin’s sharp feature. His eyes fluttered close, as soft sigh escaped from his pink plump lips making him even more dashing under the shining stars. She could not remember when was the last time to see Jimin this up close probably ever since the embarrassing bedroom scene last year.

Until then, Seul had no chance to meet any of them as they were busy preparing for their comeback.

“What are you doing here Seul-ssi?”

“It has been a long time, right? Well, I am here to work. The food truck outside is prepared for the staffs as a gratitude from you guys. Didn’t Jin inform all of you at all about that?”

“Ah..yes Jin hyung did mention about the food support thing. Didn’t know you’re working for the company?” his cheeks were tugged upwards into a cute smile.

Seul smiled softly “I work for them, so it is a special request made by Jin a week ago. I was about to leave discreetly until something unexpected came up, I guess we are fated to meet after all” she rubbed the back of her neck. Speaking of fate, these days Seul decided to just follow the flow of her life instead of putting too much pressure and plan on it. She grew tired running away from the truth therefore she’ll see how things went then came up with counter measure afterwards.

“Cool. You are a caretaker and a tea lady” he retorted with a light chuckle.

She found herself smiling at the image of his pink ears, as it matched his hair due to the coldness. Seul pulled out the heat pack casually from her jacket, since she brought extras with her. “Jimin-ssi, you may need this” she tiptoed a little matching his level and pressed the heat pack on both side of his neck.

“Keep warm, you don’t want to get sick” her eyes glimmered brightly melting Jimin’s heart. Jimin was lost in her kind gesture, as his hand skidded on top of hers “Thank you” he squished her hands.

Seul turned crimson red at the contact “Hmm..No problem” she pulled her hand quickly which upsets him a little. The feeling was soon washed over by Seul’s next move. She took off her warm gloves and took his hand in her sliding the glove over it without trouble. Seul repeated the same step with his other hand without breaking the smile on her face.  

“As I expected, it is the same size” she unconsciously caressing Jimin’s hand admiring it as if she’s the girlfriend. She bit down her tongue and hold back the coldness that started to lick her exposed skin. Releasing Jimin’s hand, she answered her phone nodding throughout the process. From the conversation, Jimin knew she’s ready to go but was he ready to see her go?

“Jimin-ssi, I have to go to meet your manager. Get inside and keep yourself warm alright? See you around” she never forgets to give a quick bow before leaving dazed Jimin behind. He smirked knowingly as he clasped his hand together loving the warmth from Seul’s knitted weave gloves.

 This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2020. All Rights Reserved.

[robinallender]

Albums of 2019/the decade

(‘Martin Brennan’ appearing on This Time with Alan Partridge, my favourite TV programme of 2019.)

It’s impossible to make an album of the year list because I haven’t listened to every album that was released this year. And to make an album of the decade list…? Well, that’s even impossibler.

I suppose I could try to do what James Acaster did in his book Perfect Sound Whatever, but instead of listening to every album from 2016 I could attempt to listen to every album from the entire decade. A Sisyphean task – and by the time I’d listened to all of those albums, it would probably be around 2030. And by that point, providing the world is still functioning by then, I’d have another decade of albums to catch up on. I could draw a comparison to Tristram Shandy here but I won’t. 

(Plume is my favourite novel of the year.)

(‘DNA.’ is the most thrilling three minutes of music this decade.)

The excellent thing about Acaster’s book is that it glories in the fact that beneath all the hype and buzz of big releases, and away from algorithmic playlists and ubiquitous albums of the year, there is a universe of incredibly diverse and exciting music being made all the time. Acaster rightly celebrates bandcamp, which has become something like the anti-Spotify over the last ten years. Thanks to bandcamp, it feels like there has never been a better time to listen to experimental music. Obscurity no longer exists – there is no longer any music which is difficult to hear. 

I’ve become enamoured with Jim O’Rourke’s Steamroom page, where he regularly releases albums of ambient/noise music. if you’re expecting the Bacharach-esque chamber-pop of his Drag City albums then I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed. There’s a fantastic interview with him here where he describes his creative process (I’m a particular fan of Number 44).

It feels like the prevalence and dominance of the internet has brought with it a certain kind of musical freedom. There’s a kind of the-music-industry-has-collapsed-so-does-anything-really-matter-anymore attitude which I love! Dean Blunt’s Black Metal (2014) feels like an album that couldn’t have been made at any other time. An ‘anything goes’ album of hip-hop/indie/experimental/weirdness that breaks so many production rules (samples of badly compressed MP3s, levels clipping all over the place) but sounds all the better for it.

Of course the problem with everything being available at the click of a button is that you get overwhelmed with choice. I think this decade I got something like cultural fatigue. I'm pretty sure Tim Heidecker and Gregg Turkington’s endlessly meta online show On Cinema should be my favourite thing ever, but I can’t be bothered to watch all one hundred hours of it. And you can’t dip into it because the joke is that it only really works if you watch all one hundred hours of it. Being told to stick with things because they’ll get better in the fifth series…? Can I not just watch Masterchef and have a lie down? 

(I played the Olympia in Paris with Yann Tiersen in 2014!)

The other problem with making ‘best of’ lists is: do you choose albums because you love them or because of their cultural importance? Clearly the best album of the decade culturally was Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp a Butterfly – an actual soundtrack to a civil rights movement, an album of astonishing power and viscerality. It’s a dense, difficult album full of brilliant songs. But you’re not always going to be in the mood to listen to it. You’re not always going to be in the mood to be challenged, or to be saddened that an album like that needed to be made! 

Or should your album of the decade be the album you listened to the most? This would probably make sense since Spotify has taken over our listening habits and now insists on sending us our most played songs of the year, a cruel reflection of our exposed ids (for a Velvet Underground fan, I really listen to a lot of Bastille). Well, if we went by what Spotify suggested, one of the most successful artists of the decade would be ‘ambient rain noise’.

I believe that the truth is between. Some albums on my list I have listened to almost constantly, others I have only listened to once or twice, but they blew my head clean off when I did (Yeezus for example).

(My most played album of the decade was Benoît Pioulard’s Stanza I-III, released in three parts throughout 2015-6, probably because I listen to it most evenings to help me fall asleep. Beautiful melodic ambient drones, drenched in reverb and tape hiss. Er… just a bit!)

(I got to the finals of So You Think You’re Funny in 2017!)

While putting together this list, I thought I’d go back to the albums of the 00s list I wrote in 2009. Deerhoof aside, I kind of got snow blindness from reading it! Significantly, I didn’t even notice at the time that my list was made up almost entirely of white artists. Well, I do listen to a lot of morose indie, a genre not famed for its diversity. But this decade I feel that I have expanded my listening habits, and this should be reflected in my list. I hope it doesn’t look like when Rolling Stone do their best albums of all time and put What’s Going On in the top ten as a kind of afterthought (not even Marvin Gaye’s best album).

Who gives a hoot what I think, this is just a blogpost, it’s not like I’m writing for a major newspaper (although I do need a job if anyone’s reading this), but I think that, even on this platform, this is a really important albeit difficult thing to consider. If this decade is to be remembered for anything it’s that we all have a responsibility to promote diversity in our every action; the 2010s were a decade when the personal became political. It was the decade when it became prudent and necessary to notice things like the fact that I posted a list of my favourite albums and they were all made by white artists, even if it’s on a blogpost that no one reads.

It’s not just racist language and behaviour that must be challenged, we must also challenge the social subliminality and structuralism of racism. So yes, a best of the decade list with only white artists, that is part of the problem! Yes, maybe those were my favourite albums of the 00s, but to use a term that has become increasingly prominent this decade, we need to think of the optics. 

Aren’t you overthinking this? Tying yourself in knots to sound woke? Well, voice in my head, you sound like a bit of a twat, as does anyone who uses the word ‘woke’ pejoratively. 

Can’t you just list your favourite albums? Yes. But my point is: no conversation about culture takes place in a vacuum. Take Mark Kozelek, who topped my list last decade. Would I feel comfortable having him in my list this decade because of his appalling treatment of the excellent journalist Laura Snapes? Not that this would be an issue this decade because of the startling decline in Kozelek’s music. Who could have predicted that Kozelek would go from singing about love and grief with such incredible poignancy to mumble-rapping about buying furniture? (I have written at length about Mark Kozelek before.)

Anyway, I think the terrible state of the world has really affected my listening habits. Basically, life is horrible so I got into ambient music. Turning off the news and drifting off into a hypnogogic daze. What a luxury! 

(From the opening sequence of Midsommar, my favourite film of the year. The murals were created by conceptual designer Ragnar Persson and art director Nille Svensson.)

This is the decade when I no longer collected music – as I switched from downloading from iTunes and buying CDs to streaming it felt like I went from active to passive. It was a decade where music became part of the background – Spotify playlists were engineered to be as bland and un-skippable as possible. So it’s been refreshing to see artists challenge this monotony: Michael Kiwanuka’s dense, conceptual KIWANUKA from this year, and Beyonce’s thrilling video albums. 

(Do you ever listen to something like Otis Redding singing ‘Try a Little Tenderness’ and almost find it hard to believe that that really happened? That it was ever possible for someone so talented and charismatic to ever walk the earth? I got a similar feeling when I watched Homecoming. How lucky we are to have an artist like Beyoncé!)

(I played Green Man Festival in 2012 with Yann and, because Van Morrison wanted to go on first so he could get away early in his helicopter, we played after him on the main stage. So I can sort of say that Van Morrison supported me.)

(How dreadful to lose Mark Hollis and Scott Walker – and Neil Innes – this year. Whenever I have ten minutes to spare, if I’m waiting for a bus or something, I like to listen to ‘After the Flood’. Ten minutes of transcendence!)

(My favourite tweet of the decade.)

(A personal highlight of the decade for me was filling in at a gig at the 9.30 Club in Washington DC by playing ‘Lady in Red’ when Yann broke a violin string.)

Some specific musical highlights of the decade:

‘Sscending’, an extremely blissed out track by Acronym w/Korridor.  

How good was ‘Video Games’? I mean really.

The production on this Nicki Minaj song is utterly fantastic.

I love the lyrically virtuosic Villagers song ‘Earthly Pleasure’.

‘Work’.

Anyway, I’m going to end this by quoting from one of my favourite songs of the decade, and like some dreadful character from a 00s pre-mumblecore indie romcom, it’s by The Shins. 

Love’s such a delicate thing that we do  With nothing to prove Which I never knew 

Albums of 2019 

Orange – Caroline Shaw/Attacca Quartet The Sacrificial Code – Kali Malone Xièxie – Celer Homecoming: The Live Album – Beyoncé Occam Ocean II – Éliane Radigue Requiem for Recycled Earth – James Ferraro Nonlin – Steve Hauschildt Tracing Back the Radiance – Jefre Cantu-Ledesma Cuz I Love You – Lizzo Chastity Belt – Chastity Belt House of Sugar – Alex G (Sandy) Tip of the Sphere – Cass McCombs Designer – Aldous Harding Psychodrama – Dave Titanic Rising – Weyes Blood Compliments Please – Self Esteem KIWANUKA – Michael Kiwanuka When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? – Billie Eilish Nothing Great About Britain – slowthai New Miami Sound EP – Twain MAGDELENE – FKA twigs Normal Fucking Rockwell! – Lana Del Rey STONECHILD – Jesca Hoop This Is How You Smile – Helado Negro I Was Real – 75 Dollar Bill PROTO – Holly Herndon uknowhatimsayin¿ – Danny Brown Fear Inoculum – Tool The Reeling – Brìghde Chaimbeul U.F.O.F. – Big Thief

(U.F.O.F. is my album of the year. It sounds like alchemy, music where trauma has been channelled into something beautiful.)

(I supported John Robins at the Apollo in October this year. Cool!)

Albums of the decade (which I might keep amending Life of Pablo style)

Sleep Like It’s Winter, Steamroom 44 & Simple Songs – Jim O’Rourke  Love is the Plan, the Plan is Death – James Blackshaw Magma – Gojira (superb metal album) The Dream My Bones Dream – Eiko Ishibashi The Suburbs – Arcade Fire EARS – Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith Spark of Life – Marcin Wasilewski Trio & Joakim Milder Toumani & Sidiki – Toumani Diabaté & Sidiki Diabaté (please listen to ‘Lampedusa’) Closing – Victoria Hume (got me through a very difficult time) For Those Of You Who Have Never (And Also Those Who Have) – Huerco S. The Uncle Sold – Ed Dowie Witness – Katy Perry (really underrated!) Blonde – Frank Ocean Smoke Ring For My Halo – Kurt Vile Transparent Water – Omar Sosa & Seckou Keita The Curious Hand – Seamus Fogarty Reflection – Brian Eno Looping State of Mind – The Field Tomorrow’s Harvest – Boards of Canada Be the Cowboy – Mitski  Volumes 1-4 – Kosmische Läufer Stateless – Dirty Beaches Bridge Music – Eerie Gaits Veteran – JPEGMAFIA V2.0 – GoGo Penguin Lemonade – Beyoncé Oh Holy Molar – Felix Get Your Hopes Down – Landslide Purist (I played on this album but I don’t care, it’s really good!) Beach Music – Alex G (Sandy) Phantom Brickworks – Bibio Chaleaur Humaine – Christine and the Queens Only Myocardial Infarction Can Break Your Heart – Matt Elliott Dust Lane – Yann Tiersen Black Metal – Dean Blunt The Harrow & The Harvest – Gillian Welch Yeezus – Kanye West Ruins – Grouper Kill All Children – Prison UK (sad music from the future) Age Of – Oneohtrix Point Never (more sad music from the future) Nothing Important – Richard Dawson Hidden & Field of Reeds – These New Puritans To Pimp a Butterfly & DAMN. – Kendrick Lamar  Devil is Fine – Zeal & Ardor    Divers – Joanna Newsom Stanza I-III & Hymnal – Benoît Pioulard alterum – Julie Fowlis Unfold – The Necks DAYTONA – Pusha T Golden Hour – Kacey Musgraves Olivia Chaney EP – Olivia Chaney Wit’s End, Big Wheel and Others & Mangy Love – Cass McCombs

(My favourite album of the decade is, unsurprisingly if you know me, Wit’s End by Cass McCombs, released in 2011. A perfect album of eight perfect songs. I still listen to it at least once a week and I don’t think it will ever lose its magic.)

[zyzzyva1936-blog-blog]

“Lemma the Librarian - The Witch and the Warlock”

Published: November 18, 2017

http://www.mcstories.com/LemmaTheLibrarian/index.html

Another skipped paywall story here*: Lemma and Iason’s adventures in Yri, and by Yri I of course mean Faerie, because why would you go to fantasy Ireland and visit muddy human villages when you could spend a year and a day partying under a hill? Like the Kymri one, it’s not terribly tied into the main plot, but @midorikonton does (pretty organically) cover the two main things you need to know going forward: Lemma pissed off a vicious little murdergoblin she calls ���Red”**, and Lemma now has red hair. I swear to God that becomes plot-relevant later. Lemma and Iason meet Rhoda the Mighty, warlock (demon-summoner) extrodinaire! Also about as uncomplicatedly heroic as Iason, which given Lemmaverse demons is quite a feat. But it definitely makes her an interesting character - I think I first heard this about the X-Men’s Rogue, but it works in general: a good way to make an interesting hero is to take someone heroic and give them bad-guy superpowers. She’s wandering around, saving the day with her coterie of soul-devouring monsters, and this is hilarious and has also brought her into conflict with the con artist witch Brochen***. Lemma and Iason do the usual fight fight team-up business with Rhoda - damn, she really is a superhero - and Lemma goes off to fight Brochen, and lose, obviously. (Although it seems to me that if she hadn’t had all the Hragulf business tying her down, she probably would have won: she’s not as weak in a straight-up spellsling as her 0-for-11-and-counting record against mind control would seem to indicate.)

Rhoda’s backup plan is a succubus. Foocubi show up a lot in mind control erotica for reasons I’m assuming you can figure out for yourselves, but have a tendency as a result to get kinda sanded down, like vampires - which is fine! Erotica is selling a fantasy, and if you’re subby and like the idea of being controlled by an overpoweringly sexy being, you probably don’t want to staple “and then your soul is ripped out and eaten” to the end****. Jenny, apparently, has no truck with that; Ardatlili is really frickin’ scary, frankly to the point that it kinda damages the sexiness (hard to really get a slow burn going when you can only have sex with her once).

Well, OK, this is the longest story in the series (so far published, at least) and that does give some space for Brochen to crumble a bit at a time. Lemma’s mc’d desire to help or at least warn him as he makes increasingly poor choices, constantly blocked by some badly-phrased orders, adds a little bit of humour to the story. And Lemma finally gets her own win at the end, no help from anyone, when she blows up Ardatlili. A pretty good story overall, darker-than-probably-merited fate for Brochen or not.

And, of course, Rhoda’s awesome. As the author’s note suggests, we’ll be seeing more of her.

*Two closely linked stories, actually: “A Fairy Bad Deal” and “Riddled With Errors”. Available as usual on smashwords and patreon.

**Despite Iason’s joshing, Lemma doesn’t even come close to pissing off everyone she meets. Frankly, she probably has a lot of grateful admirers scattered behind her across the Tin Islands. Rather, she only pisses off the entities she meets who are spectacularly more powerful than her. ;) ***The degree to which the terms are gendered varies wildly from setting to setting, but I did think it’s cute that the warlock in this story is female and the witch, male. ****A rule, which, obviously, has many exceptions. This, incidentally, is probably why I’m not ever going to review Tabico’s stuff: I respect the hell out of her as a writer and her stories are often extremely hot, but for most of them, for me, engaging them in any kind of detail turns pretty quickly into “this is morally disturbing in a way I’m not comfortable ignoring” and I imagine as a review series that’d get old pretty fast.

When The Fuck Are We? 🤷

It’s hard to say where we are now, actually; could be Ireland, could be Great Britain. There’s no no real landmarks to go by, other than “north of Breizh/Kyrno, south of Alba”. Rhoda’s definitely from Scotland, though, so let’s go with that.

“Alba” is the Gaelic name for Scotland, so like Kyrno and Yri it’s fairly clearly That Place, Still Run By Celts. (It’s also a modern historiographical term for the nucleus of the Kingdom of Scotland specifically, though from about the 9th C CE onwards, which makes it a little late for our purposes.) Bronze Age Scotland was like Bronze Age England, only colder and sparser-populated: tribal and without too much in the way of large-scale political or economic structure. Early Dark Ages Scotland was again like contemporary England: divided amongst a number of petty, squabbling statelets. 

The main ones at our hypothetical 650 CE date for Lemma would probably be Strathclyde, a Briton polity in the lowlands; Dál Riata, an area along the western islands and the west highlands conquered by Gaelic Irish from Ulster; in the eastern and northern highlands, the “Kingdom” of the Picts, almost certainly a whole bunch of unrelated tribes dignified with a king by later chroniclers*; and possibly Gododdin, another Briton kingdom stretching across the lowlands and northern England, which at this date either is about to be or just recently was devoured by the Angle kingdom of Northumbria**. The “Alba” I mentioned up top emerged from Dál Riata about the time Dál Riata proper was getting conquered by the Vikings; it in turn conquered the Picts and Strathclyde in the 10th C, and eventually (as mentioned earlier) took the Isles back from the Norse. We have no idea where Rhoda is from, but I like to think Gododdin, just from sympathy for the underdog.

(Also, I think that Brochen is named after the similarly-pronounced Brocken Mountain, the most famous Walpurgisnacht site in Germany. That’s right, @midorikonton! I see right through you! ;P )

*The problems with this period in British history are not a lack of written sources. We have several! And they go into detail about the kings and politics of the kingdoms of this time. The issue is that they’re mostly from several centuries after the fact, so schematically simplified (as with the Heptarchy business mentioned before), and also - how to put this diplomatically - are full of lies fabrications. I’ll get into that more next time. 

**There’s an important Welsh bardic poem about that; the antagonist of “Harping on About It”, in the real world, likewise wrote a poem about Strathclyde kicking the shit out of a minor princedom in Cumbria a couple of generations earlier.

~

Next time: things fall apart. I stop connecting things to the story at all and talk about Ancient Soviet Egypt.

[zeroviraluniverse-blog]

The U.S. women's hockey team hasn't won gold since 1998. Will the spell be broken in South Korea?

Visit Now - http://zeroviral.com/the-u-s-womens-hockey-team-hasnt-won-gold-since-1998-will-the-spell-be-broken-in-south-korea/

The U.S. women's hockey team hasn't won gold since 1998. Will the spell be broken in South Korea?

Passion forming with every tighten of the lace

Years of the same routine perfected today

Rituals that are practiced and shared behind locker room doors.

— Kacey Bellamy

It could have been a disaster.

Hurricane Irma was on a path toward the Tampa, Florida, area on Sept. 9, and authorities were bracing for a direct hit. As it happened, the best women’s hockey players in the United States had just begun training in Wesley Chapel, a few miles north of Tampa International Airport.

Even though the NHL’s Tampa Bay Lightning had decided to evacuate its players, Team USA decided to shelter in place at the Saddlebrook Resort, where they were staying. One agent who was worried about his clients told USA Today, “Why isn’t the women’s team evacuated? Is it because they are just girls … to me this is stupid, they are our Olympic team.”

But Reagan Carey, the general manager for the team, had thought it through, even going so far as to find out the number and the strength of the steel trusses in the shelter area at the Saddlebrook Resort. So on Sunday morning, Sept. 10, the team members abandoned their apartments for the shelter, joining other evacuees to wait out the storm, which lost steam from its original designation as a Category 4. Still, 80 mph winds howled outside the building as Irma passed over. The women played cards, visited with Hilary Knight’s bulldog puppy, Winston, in a separate pet area, and made hockey fans out of their fellow refugees. Captain Meghan Duggan later called it “a big sleepover,” and by the next morning, they were able to return to their quarters and their lives.

“We were kind of scared,” said Kacey Bellamy, the veteran defenseman and one of six players who are in Pyeongchang for their third straight Olympics. “But the negative turned into a positive. It was a great bonding experience for us, the kind of thing that brings a team closer together. Plus, I learned how to play [the card game] euchre.”

By Tuesday, they were back to practicing and helping out in the community. Irma faded into a metaphor for a team that has had to weather a lot of storms over the years.

There was the crushing loss to Canada in the gold-medal game in Vancouver eight years ago. And the devastating 3-2 overtime loss in Sochi in 2014 that gave Canada its fourth straight gold medal. And the battle with USA Hockey last spring, when the women threatened to boycott the 2017 IIHF world championships if they weren’t given living expenses, travel accommodations and medal bonuses befitting representatives of the United States of America.

Not only did they win that battle, but they also went to Plymouth, Michigan, for the world championships and beat Canada 3-2 in overtime in the final — earning the team’s fourth consecutive title. “We’ve been through a lot together,” said Bellamy, now an assistant captain on the team. “I think that’s made us stronger.”

Resilience is part and parcel of hockey, but for female players — who often start out playing with the boys, who give up the comfort of home, who fight off waves of challengers and adjust to a succession of coaches all to pursue their Olympic dreams — well, you just bounce off the boards.

You might even write a poem about the sport you love.

World champ and Olympian Kacey Bellamy (22) watched the gold medal slip away from her team to archrival Canada in two consecutive Winter Olympics. She’s looking for gold in Pyeongchang. AP Photo/Julio Cortez, File

Actions that are defined as the norm within the team

Replaying the past of one game, one play, one second

That has triggered one year of training against that one team.

It was a disaster.

What happened in Sochi’s Bolshoy Ice Dome on March 6, 2014, is excruciating to watch, even four years later. Team USA had a 2-0 lead on Team Canada late in the third period of the gold-medal game. But with 3:26 left in the game, Canada’s Brianne Jenner fired a shot that would’ve gone wide had it not ricocheted off Bellamy’s right leg and past goalie Jessie Vetter. Coach Katey Stone clapped her hands and told the team not to panic, that they were OK.

As time wound down, Canada pulled goalie Shannon Szabados, and Team USA’s Kelli Stack got off a clearing shot that headed for the empty net … and bounced off the left side of the left post. “When those things start to happen in the game of hockey,” Stone later said, “you start to wonder if it is your night.”

It wasn’t. Just 55 seconds away from finally beating Canada for the gold, Marie-Philip Poulin tied the score at 2-2 to send the game into overtime. Team USA had its chances in OT — the left-handed Bellamy almost ripped one past Szabados — but then the refs made some questionable calls, leaving the U.S. short-handed at just the wrong time. At 8:10 of overtime, Poulin fired the game winner past Vetter.

Imagine what it was like watching the Canadians celebrate and then waiting around to accept your silver medals.

“All that work, all that hope,” said Bellamy. “Gone just like that. It took me five months to get over it. March, April, May, June, July. I’m big on watching videos of games, but I didn’t look at that one until August. I needed to get my motivation back.”

Part of that motivation has to do with the team that beat the Americans, the team that always seems to beat them. USA vs. Canada in women’s hockey is one of the greatest rivalries in all of sports. It started way back in 1916 and captivated the world when women’s hockey debuted as an Olympic sport at Nagano in 1998. The U.S. won that gold-medal game, but the Canadians have won every Olympics since.

The rivalry is so intense that 10 fighting majors were handed out in one 2013 game, resulting in six U.S. players and five Canadians crammed into the penalty boxes. But they are also friends who share a love of the sport and often play on the same collegiate and pro teams. Caroline Ouellette and Julie Chu, one-time captains of Teams Canada and USA, respectively, first met at the Salt Lake City Games in 2002 and are now coaching at Concordia University in Montreal together while raising Liv Chu-Ouellette, born to Caroline last November.

After 20 years of rivalry, if it boils down to these two for the gold medal in Pyeongchang, who will have the edge?

Do Jordan Greenway and the NHL-less U.S. men have enough firepower to fend off Canada, Finland and OAR? And will the American women gain revenge on their archrival and strike gold for the first time since 1988? Here’s who will take home the hardware.

After helping Team USA to two world championships and a silver medal in Sochi, and then overcoming a crippling concussion, Amanda Kessel has her sights set on gold at the Pyeongchang Olympics. But off the ice, her future is a little more complicated.

2 Related

Both shielded by different armor

Separated by a simple borderline

Sharing the same frenzy for the sport and rivalry

Colors, countries, teammates

All united on the same ice

Bellamy, a women’s studies major at the University of New Hampshire, likes to write poetry in her spare time. “They’re mostly about nature and people,” she said. “But I did write this one about hockey.” In fact, USA Hockey used the poem for a video to promote the “Bring On The World” tour before the last Olympics.

That’s Bellamy’s voice narrating her words in the video, an ode to the challenges of the sport in general, and the rivalry in particular. There is a depth of feeling to the poem that explains why and how Bellamy and the other five three-timers have stayed at the top of the American team for so long, through three different coaches (Mark Johnson, Stone, Robb Stauber) and all the ups and downs.

“Eight years ago, I was just a rookie with my eyes wide open, in awe of where I was, who I was playing with,” said Bellamy. “Now I’m 31 and still in awe of the responsibility. The Olympics is about more than the rivalry with Canada. It’s about representing the country. It’s about showing people how beautiful women’s hockey can be. It’s about the little girls with sticks, the little girls we used to be.”

Two years ago, Bellamy wrote a powerful “Letter to My Younger Self” for The Players Tribune. Addressed to 15-year-old Kacey, she recalled leaving behind her family and friends in Westfield, Massachusetts, to attend the Berkshire School and how the first two weeks “are going to be the worst two weeks of your life.” She told her about the friends and coaches who changed her life, about getting her heart broken when she was cut from USA Hockey’s under-22 team, about using the rejection as motivation to make the senior national team.

“You’re going to play for the U.S. team for a long time,” she wrote. “But never take anything for granted. Make the most of the opportunities you have.”

Each playing for the crest on the front of the jersey

And sticking up for every name on the back

Relax. Just like in Tampa, it might not be the disaster they’re predicting.

Some people who care deeply about Team USA worry that Pyeongchang will be as much a disappointment as Sochi or Vancouver or Turin or Salt Lake City were. They wonder why Stauber, a former NHL goalie who assisted Stone in Sochi, didn’t name any female assistants to his staff. And while he did coach the team to the world championship last April, and beat Canada 5-1 to win the Four Nations Cup on Nov. 12, Team USA has lost the past four games to Canada in its pre-Olympic warm-up.

A 2-1 overtime loss to Canada at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, on Dec. 3 was particularly painful because the tying goal was scored by Poulin and the winning goal by Jenner, their Sochi nemeses. And it happened in front of members of the 1998 USA Olympic team, who were honored between periods for the United States’ only gold medal.

Afterward, Stauber said, “For us, it’s not necessarily about the 20 years, but more about, ‘It’s time.’ We’ve got to bring home a gold medal. We’ve got a pretty good vision. We’re sticking with it, and we like our direction.”

That direction included the addition of three players since Irma: defenders Cayla Barnes and Sidney Morin and forward Haley Skarupa. When the final roster was named after the second period of the Winter Classic at Citi Field on Jan. 1, veterans Bellamy, Duggan, Knight, Monique Lamoureux-Morando, Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson and Gigi Marvin were on it, but forward Alex Carpenter, Team USA’s leading scorer in Sochi, and defender Megan Bozek were not — leading some to speculate that they did not buy into Stauber’s system.

Stauber stresses a controlled possession game that sometimes takes the puck back into the neutral zone. As for the lack of a female coach, he does rely on his veterans to help the younger players. Bellamy has been working with the 18-year-old Barnes, who had been getting ready to play for Boston College when she was asked to report to Wesley Chapel. “She’s wise beyond her years,” says Bellamy. “Very poised … she’s just wonderful to have around the locker room.”

While the recent results against Canada have been disappointing, it’s worth keeping in mind that in the American men’s last exhibition game with the Soviet Union before the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” game, Team USA was crushed 10-3.

In Pyeongchang, both archrivals beat Finland and the Russians in the first two games of Group A play — though there was some hand-wringing as the U.S. got off to slow starts in the first period of both games. It was Bellamy who broke the ice at 8:02 of the first period of the victory over the Russians, stepping into the attack off a pass from Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson and firing a seeing-eye shot past Russian goalie Valeria Tarakanova. Team USA then put the game away in the second period, thanks to a more aggressive mindset and two goals by Lamoureux-Davidson within six seconds — an Olympic record.

By winning those first two prelims, Canada and Team USA assured themselves of a place in the semifinals, meaning that their game tomorrow means nothing… and their next one everything.

“We’re starting with a clean slate in South Korea,” says Bellamy. “This time will be different.”

Or, as she once wrote:

Mistakes lead to success

Errors lead to victory

Pride leads to gold

[feedingthewrongwolf]

Azula Ship Challenge #4

Week Four - Oct. 30, 2017 - Lies /or/ Bad Joke

Ship: Maizula (honorable mention: Maizulee)

Obligatory Song Rec(s): Bombay by Blvck Ceiling; And You Love by Nu:Gravity

MY FUCKING HAND SLIPPED, so here, have 3k+ words of early Book Two shenanigans and bad vibes. Azula’s not as good with people as she thinks, not even with her wicked sense of humor. Can’t she ever be happy, I ask myself, me, the one who wrote it,

“Our love is effortless, stop acting like you’re scared

I get down on my knees but you’re not playing fair

My heart breaks down when you question if you’re mine, well

I don’t I don’t I don’t get it cause I’m so sweet all the time”

- ‘In My Mind’ by Maty Noyes

The moon was low and to their left in they sky when Mai and Azula set out to hunt the night’s meal. Poorly as Mai’s father had handled things, their supplies were limited. Between their mouths and the mounts’ as well, they didn’t bother to ration much. Azula had explained that they would hunt for themselves, and give most of the rations to the mounts, almost everything but the water. It would be a short trip to the next Fire Nation colony, after all, and Azula had never minded hunting. It had almost surprised her when Mai offered to help her where she could, with her limited experience.

Azula had been so anxious when they'd left the city, she was almost glad for things to be calm for a short while - a small but welcome break in the action. Traveling with Mai and Ty Lee, as well as hunting, would be a good way to take her mind off of the way things had gone, or how badly she’d marred them…She’d been so close to a victory and it had slipped through her fingers so easily.

She needed time to collect herself, as much as she hated to admit it. Now, all there was time to worry about was finding the boy Avatar and taking him down for good, which would undoubtedly lead her to her uncle and brother as well…She simply had to remember the goal, and everything would turn out the way she’d planned.

Failure was not an option this time.

As the pair made off for the tree line, Mai still adjusting the sling on her back slightly, they could hear Ty Lee cooing at the mongoose lizards, promising the three beasts that they would never be eaten. She’d been adamant about staying behind to look after the mounts and the small fire, refusing to hunt with them. Azula and Mai were less than surprised, and though they both had teased her relentlessly about it before setting off, they waited to laugh quietly until they were sure she wouldn’t hear them.

They made their way deeper into the forest, treading lightly. It was more than a bit strange for Azula to be next to another person after traveling alone, but she was happy to see Mai after all these years, even if things had gone…awry in New Ozai. She was alert and naturally light on her feet, so it seemed to Azula that she belonged. Maybe this wouldn’t turn out as badly as she’d expected it to.

She was determined to stay confident. She couldn’t let her mind slip into the dark again.

“What’s out here, anyway?” Mai asks, missing her mark on disinterest but wise enough to speak softly.

It hadn’t been nearly long enough for Azula to miss the hint in her voice that it did, in fact, matter to her. Mai had been a picky eater, if she remembered things correctly.

“Oh, the usual - elephant rats, turkey ducks,” she answered, staying quiet as well, though her smirk sounded through her words. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and find a stray pig chicken.”

She saw under the moonlight the movement in Mai’s eyes, one that showed her distaste plainly.

“Sounds great.”

Azula grinned a bit wider for a moment. “Shouldn’t you be telling me this sort of thing? You’re the one who’s lived out here for years.”

“I wasn’t out camping,” Mai responded, sounding like Azula should have known. Though most of Azula’s attention was on a rustling bush in the small clearing far ahead, she could hear the faint smile in Mai’s voice to match her own. She put her arm out toward Mai, and hardly a moment had passed before she stopped as well, eyes locking onto the rustling and shift of light. Azula motioned her head to their left, and Mai understood, moving swiftly yet as soundlessly as ever, drawing her set of knives.

On Azula’s signal and in a heartbeat, Mai sent the knives through the air to their target - apparently missing, because Azula spotted what looked like a turkey duck bolting away unscathed with a loud squeal of shock. In a second of instinct, she calculated speed and direction and shot a bright, concentrated ball of flame, striking it directly in its head. The woods seemed to turn to daylight for an instant, her flames illuminating the look of slight shock on Mai’s features.

“Well,” Azula said, her voice returning to full volume, “you obviously haven’t been hunting, either.”

Mai laughed to herself quietly. “Animals are quicker than people.”

“You’re rusty, Mai, admit it.” Azula had meant it, especially considering the way things had gone back in the city, but she still heard the words come out far more harshly than she’d intended. Once she’d reached the kill, she turned her head and added, “What have you been doing since you left?”

And even though she’d managed a smile when she asked, Mai said nothing to her, silently marching the rest of the distance between them. Azula felt the air thicken, if only slightly. Of course she’d said the wrong thing, the wrong way. She heard her father’s voice in the back of her mind, the same voice that told her alliances were a waste of time and a weakness before that. She was beginning to understand what he’d meant.

She remembered why she hadn’t minded the solitude. Even if she was happy to see her friends after so long, it would be the same as when they were children, even after all that had changed…Another failure for her to add to the list, something meaningless to distract her from her mission.

Still, when she looked down to the animal, Azula barked with laughter in spite of her thoughts. She took hold of its neck and lifted it to eye level, admiring the awful burn on the side of its tiny head and neck, or what was left of it.

“It almost looks like Zuko, now.”

It was meant to be funny, to make Mai - and herself - feel better. Instead, Azula felt the air become even more tense than it was to begin with. She turned toward Mai with the animal dangling away from them both, and even in the dimness she could see her frown deepen.

“Oh, Mai. Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts about capturing my brother…”

Azula had failed to sound like she was only teasing, as if the question was truly rhetorical.

Mai unpacked the sling and held it out for the creature, never quite looking away from its charred face and neck.  “It’s nothing.”

Azula felt the familiar rise of paranoia, rushing through her blood, making her skin feel hot even in the chill of nightfall.

“Is it nothing?” She spoke the word like a curse, trying not to be needlessly aggressive with her work stuffing the kill into the cloth. “You’re frowning like a scolded child.”

When Azula cast an eye toward her face, Mai was silent still, mask in place once more. She hauled the thing over her shoulder without looking away from the faint traces of ash and blood staining the dirt by their feet.

“Let’s just get back to camp,” she sighed, adjusting the sling. “Ty Lee’s probably been training the mongoose lizards to do cartwheels. She must be bored.” After that, the only sound was the ground beneath Mai’s feet as she turned away to retrieve her knives.

Azula’s mind rushed back to Mai and Ty Lee’s conversation as they were escorted to the gates of New Ozai, the way Mai had smiled when Ty Lee mentioned Zuko’s name. He had been branded unworthy, cast aside like the runt he was, a shame to the nation - she hadn’t seen him in years, and Mai still reacted this way…

The way she would when they were children, and she would tease her about her silly little crush.

Azula followed her a mere moment later, summoning a large handful of fire to help her find the set. The flame was large, and it erupted a bit more forcefully than she’d anticipated.

She didn’t particularly feel like dropping the topic.

“I never showed you the wanted poster from back in the resort village, did I?” She asked, knowing the answer and unable to hide the hint of malice in her voice. She followed behind leisurely, not bothering to conceal her grin at all.

“The scar is awful,” she continued, watching Mai locate the knives sticking out of the dirt by the shrub she’d aimed for. “Really, the resemblance between my brother and our dinner is uncanny.”

Mai said nothing, but Azula still could see the corners of her lips tugging downward again as she plucked the knives out of the compact soil, her fingers slipping a bit on the first try.

“Forget it, Azula.”

The fire in Azula’s palm blazed - hardly enough for Mai to see or feel, but it had. She’d noticed, too, the way Mai’s voice held an edge…It was the exact tone she would adopt when they were younger, when Azula would push her until something finally bubbled up to the surface. It was clear she’d had enough, and though Azula didn’t want to stop, and she never had before, something made her anyway.

Some things had changed, and some things had not.

“Oh, would you relax?” Her tone was cold, and this time, her fire kept still. “It was only a joke.”

“Well, it was a bad one,” Mai muttered, barely turning her head to say it as she dusted the blades in her hand.

Azula’s eyes widened by a fraction, more out of shock than indignation. Whatever she’d expected Mai to say, that wasn’t it. She couldn’t even enjoy the fact that she’d gotten under her skin…She glared down at the girl crouched in front of her. Azula was the heir to the Fire Lord’s throne, not Zuko. She was Mai’s princess, and she was speaking to her like she was just another commoner. She’d practically insulted her.

Even as the thoughts seared their way through her mind, Azula only let her arm fall, quenching the fire she held with a slight sound of distaste. The urge, or perhaps the reflex, to remind Mai of her place was faded out by something stronger…though Azula couldn’t give it a name.

She looked away, and decided to drop it this time.  

They walked the rest of the short way back in silence, though it wasn’t tranquil, at least not for Azula. The need to do something was faint at its strongest, and she wondered why she wasn’t more outraged. Anger was only on the edges of her thoughts. Not for the first time since the skirmishes in New Ozai, she wondered if she’d made the right choice to recruit them. It was proving to be far more distracting and disappointing than she’d planned.

As they approached, they saw Ty Lee in a one armed handstand, all the while chirping to the mounts like she had been when they’d gone.

“Whoa, what’s wrong with you guys?” She asked, falling out of form and looking between them.

“Mai’s being boring, is all,” Azula sighed. She lazily fed the fire with her bending and a raised pair of fingers, glad to be back with Ty Lee to eat up the silence. Hopefully she would serve as a simple distraction instead of another problem to dwell on when she didn’t have the time.

Hopefully neither of them would become a real problem. She would have to keep a close eye on them both…

“I’m just hungry.” Mai’s voice was perfectly flat again, but it felt like thunder to Azula. “Let’s eat before it gets too late.”

Ty Lee shrugged slightly, averting her eyes from the kill that Mai was unleashing from the cloth. With her back to the two of them, she went into her handstand again.

As Azula rolled up her sleeves and set to work on the animal with Mai watching, learning, and lending her knives every now and then, Ty Lee kept the conversation going entirely on her own. She regaled them with stories of what they’d missed in the past ten minutes. Apparently, Mai had guessed correctly - the mongoose lizards weren’t very good students.

All the while, Azula focused on the color of the blood while she worked to prepare the meat. She’d done this before, and she wondered vaguely what was making her hands so erratic and forceful as she removed the innards of the dead thing in front of her. Ty Lee’s voice was strange to hear, its highs and lows seeming out of place while she worked.

“The animals at the circus were way faster with learning all that acrobatic stuff,” Ty Lee remarked, gently petting the face of the unwilling beast in front of her. “The platypus bear was the smartest, though. He picked things up so quickly, it was like he was born to it!”

Just as she’d finished that thought, Azula’s attention came back to the one-sided conversation. The meat was already cooking over the fire under Mai’s watch, while she went and washed her hands and arms clean of blood, viscera, and stray feathers in the river beside their camp.

“They only have one job, Ty Lee,” Azula said after a moment of silence and scrubbing, taking her arms out of the water and shaking them off. “They aren’t in need of circus training.”

“Maybe,” Ty Lee admitted after a moment of thought, falling out of the handstand to her feet near the mongoose lizards, who never once flinched, or looked toward the disturbance at all. They had probably long ago realized that Ty Lee never quite stays still. “But, wouldn’t it be fun if they learned?”

Despite it all, Azula grinned slightly while she walked back toward the two of them.

“I miss it there already,” Ty Lee said softly, sitting cross-legged in front of the fire in one swift motion.

Azula felt something run through her blood at those words. She ignored the concern that Ty Lee would run off on her again, and took the portion Mai held out to her. The second was handed to Ty Lee, and all the while Mai was just quiet as she’d been since their return to camp.

They ate to the sounds of the night and the forest and the fire they surrounded. The wind agitated the blaze, or at least that’s what Azula would have blamed it on. She felt nearly the way she had when they’d left the city, like bringing them onto her mission had been a mistake. It certainly seemed that way now…It gnawed at her mind the way she gnawed at her food, the worry that they wouldn’t be able to serve their nation, or Azula herself, and help her to win this war.

After a moment, Mai sighed and waved the rest of her meat outward, her demeanor slightly more displeased than usual. “Do you want this, Ty?”

Azula couldn’t help herself.  “That’s what you meant by hungry?”

“I’ll finish it!” Ty Lee exclaimed, reaching over to take it while Mai looked away in apparent disinterest. “I’m still starving.”

Azula looked at Mai, now sitting empty handed. She felt her patience growing much, much thinner, so she returned to her own food. She was determined to stay focused. She didn’t have time to worry, certainly not about something so inconsequential. Mai was serving beneath her, and Azula could not fail. Mai would prove her loyalty, and so would Ty Lee.

Azula would make sure of it.  

“Should I be worried about your lack of appetite, Mai?” Azula saw the question register in Mai’s eyes. “I have no time for a soldier without the strength to carry out her duty.”

She watched Mai look at her, finally, and with the level gaze from her grey eyes she felt something in her blood other than fire, or anger. It was something close to worry…or something close to fear.

She did her best to push it away.

“You don’t need to worry at all, Azula.” She spoke as if nothing had changed.

Nothing at all.

“Then I trust you won’t let me down when we find my brother.”

Mai’s eyes flashed, and Azula had not missed it. She smiled, her cold gaze a warning.

“Of course not,” Mai stated calmly. She stood and feigned a stretch, looking away. “I’ll set up for bed.”

Once the fire had been doused and the mounts’ ties reinforced, the three of them settled into their bedrolls. Ty Lee apparently knew better than to give her usual round of good-nights, this time.

Azula lay awake long after she’d noticed the two others slip into their dreams. She stared up at the sky, and she stared for so long that the stars blurred into one dull and lifeless stain of light. She knew resting was necessary, yet sleep would not come so easily. The thought that she had already failed once was still heavy in her mind, but now all her thoughts could latch onto was Mai’s voice, earlier in the woods.

Azula recalled the day she and Ty Lee had reached what was then Omashu, and when she’d caught sight of Mai through the cloth of her palanquin. She had admired, then, all the ways that Mai had changed - she’d grown taller, her voice had lowered in a way Azula liked to hear…

And some things had stayed exactly the same. Her grin, her uninspired temperament. Her stupid crush on her stupid brother. Azula thought of Zuko, desperately on the tail of the Avatar with her useless uncle, walking right into the trap they’d set for themselves. She would bring the Avatar’s corpse home to her father, and the entire nation would call her a hero.

Her brother’s corpse would be a gift for Mai. She let her eyes close, calm at last, for what felt like the first time since she’d left home.

She couldn’t wait to win the war.

[tsuminiochiiru]

Granrodeo 2017 Tour Write-up

This is going to get long, so buckle in!

General Thoughts

This tour was absolutely amazing, even with the oddness of the Sendai shows (see below), it was top-notch and high tension all the way. I was a bit worried when the Sapporo shows had little talking and were error free. That, combined with the lack of Go For It! and the acoustic set had me concerned that GR wouldn’t really be GR on this tour, but a cleaned up, less personal version. Mind you, the totally professional, error free shows were great, but it’s not really a GR show without them running their mouths, and screwing up at least one little thing.

I needn’t have worried, by the second set of shows, they were back to typical form, Kiiyan flubbing lyrics, e-zuka messing up an intro, and they were motor mouths. Some shows were better than others, but they were all uniquely interesting and fun (save Sendai day two, which probably scarred more than a few of us).

Turns out I didn’t really miss the acoustic set like I thought I would. I missed the idle chatter they would engage in before the song, but with

月に抱かれて眠りたい

, featuring Juny-a’s sax and Takita on upright electric bass and

Under the Sky

, with all of Fire Horns + e-zuka’s delicate acoustic playing at the beginning and end, I was beyond satisfied. Kiiyan’s singing on those two songs … it was mesmerizing to watch him sing

抱かれて

, the way his mouth moved. And Under the Sky … it’s like after Sendai, he was singing it as an apology to all of us, and his vocals became more and more powerful. And starting with Sendai, it reduced me to tears each time … and when the song finishes, he would take a step back, drop back to MC mode and give us a hearty “

arigatou gozaimasu

” that didn’t give us a chance to breathe, to recover from the overpowering emotional assault of the song. I knew this song would break me at some point, and indeed, it did.  Also of note, the song ends a bit abruptly on the CD, but live they added an acoustic guitar coda that Kiiyan would vocalize wordlessly along with, sometimes repeating the “I love you” from the last verse.

I do still miss

Go For It!

Badly. Hoping that it puts in an appearance at G12. And I was initially annoyed at G12 going back to the Budokan, until I saw how happy Kiiyan and e-zuka were about playing there again. It’s a special place for them, definitely. Very curious to see how the 360 stage and floor standing will work out.

e-zuka played Amazing Grace frequently during the tour. It was incredible each and every time.

Shin … I was prepared to be grumpy about Val being gone, but Shin is so adorable I gladly accepted him as part of the GR family pretty much since the beginning. The group dynamic is different, definitely. Takita seems to have adopted Shin and taken him under his wing. But that didn’t keep Kiiyan and e-zuka from teasing him mercilessly at times (ex:  e-zuka. accused Shin of coming from school to one show with his randoseru on.). He took it in stride, though, and was clearly tickled by the attention from RG, though he didn’t know what to do about the guys calling out for Shin-chan. Heh. He interacts with us a lot more than Val did, which is nice.

It was great to have Fire Horns there for one show per venue. They add a whole new dimension to the performances. e-zuka joked at one point (Bayside, I think) that with Fire Horns on stage, that makes seven of them … so they are the seven lucky gods.

I was so, so spoiled by this tour. I thought I had good spots last year, but this year, almost without fail I was 2nd row, maybe 3rd, with a couple of exceptions. Getting better at reading the crowd and the surge, though it didn’t always work out quite as I wanted. Tried to mostly stick to e-zuka’s side, and that worked out rather well when I’d end up behind his fangirls, because he shamelessly played up to us. And sometime during this tour I graduated from getting obvious callouts/gestures to marginally more subtle ones, like Kiiyan yanking up his shirt in front of me (hey, I show him mine at every show, only fair!) or laying down on the stage near me … or balancing on the railing in front of me. Much appreciated, oh yes. Takita has finally taken note of me too. So yes, warm fuzzies all around.

I wrote Sapporo and the first set of Diver City shows up in detail, but I came down with a lingering case of sinusitis before the Fukuoka and Hiroshima shows, and so got behind … and those 4 shows are a bit of a blur, so I don’t have much to say about them, alas.

Sapporo

https://yokuboumugendai.com/2017/06/05/pierrodeo-sapporo-bullet-points-may-20-21-2017/

Diver City

https://yokuboumugendai.com/2017/06/13/diver-city-bullet-points/

 Fukuoka

A Rodeo Boy found Takita and Shin going for a walk along the river Sunday morning. He was … apparently so enthusiastic with his adoration that Takita said if he’d been an RG, he (Takita) might not be at the show.

Apparently Kiiyan was out walking too, also ran into Takita and Shin.

Kiiyan sure does like losing his shirt in Fukuoka. Three of the last four shows, and only not 4 because he stopped Takita for some reason (Kiiyan had started to lift his shirt; we all screamed, he dropped it, and Takita stepped up….)

Kiiyan was all dangerous hips and lifted shirt on Blackout

Sumiko-san, Kiiyan’s mum, didn’t appear to be in the balcony for either show, but his niece and her two friends were there again for the first show. They had a lot of fun waving to the audience as we left, and when they spotted me, they waved like mad. I waved cheerfully back, of course.

After day two, waited out front like last year. Drum Logos has just one door, so there’s no escape for the artists. Last year, there were less than 20 of us; this year I’d say closer to 40 or more of us were waiting. Enough folks that Kiiyan came out between his taxi and another car to approach the fans. He made a bikini girl’s year commenting on her breasts. My friend and I had stationed ourselves by the corner, figuring the taxi would turn there, and indeed it did, putting Kiiyan, through his open window, about 3 meters from us, tops. I blew him a kiss as he went by. e-zuka, Takita, Shin and some staffers all bundled into one van-like vehicle. e-zuka rolled his window down, was waving, chatting with all of us. And again, they came within a couple of meters of us. We shouted “next week!” at him as they went by. And then he shouted “good luck” at the staffers left loading the truck, which cracked them up.

Hiroshima

First time going to Hiroshima Blue Live. The shows were great, but the venue itself isn’t all that good — floor doesn’t slope, acoustics are so-so. Didn’t help that it was absolutely pouring the first day.

For 君に one way love on day one, Kiiyan came down off the pedestal, sang the last bit in our corner, and he spent a lot of Y.W.F. on our side. He usually never leaves center for it. Same with バラライ on day two.

Kiiyan called for Fukuoka folks, knowing I was there, at least. Turns out the girl behind me was too.

A Rodeo couple came up to talk to us before the second show (they met at the Nagoya shows last year), and he introduced himself to us, saying that he sees us at every show. Hi, Sugu-san!

抱かれて … gets more beautiful each time, and at this performance, Kiiyan said he felt like he was in a GR Snack Bar when he sang it.

e-zuka spent quite a bit of time the second day talking about farts and posture.  Kiiyan chimed in to say  his butt hole is kinda loose, which prompted someone to shout, “Show us.” Which caused e-zuka to say “If you join Ro-gumi and go to Okinawa, you can see Kiiyan’s butt hole.” Dude, no!

e-zuka kept abbreviating Blue Live to “BL.” And yes, he knew what he was doing.

e-zuka told us that a local TV station in Niigata had worked on a TV show about him, much like the Yamaguchi Tys TV shows for Kiiyan, but that for some reason it got scrapped.

Missed getting Kiiyan’s high-five by a few seconds. e-zuka did not high-five, and gave me an apologetic smile that he couldn’t reach me from where he was.

Day one I was so glad to hear アウトサイダー that I found my inner head banger and set her free.

Sendai

So … Sendai has always been magical for me. And I had amazing spots near the stage for both shows (2nd row near e-zuka; 2nd row dead center in front of Kiiyan), but we could tell at Saturday’s show that Kiiyan wasn’t anywhere near 100%, though he clearly perked up during the second half. But day two … well, e-zuka blogged that he’s not sure what the right response should have been, but Kiiyan wanted to go through with the show, so as to not disappoint anyone, and when Kiiyan, clearly in distress after the first three songs, emphatically told e-zuka that he wanted to continue, e-zuka vowed to give him all his support. These two… *sniffle*

Even when sick as a dog and under the influence of about six different medications, Kiiyan has such presence and such drive. He wanted to do the show so badly. He was annoyed with himself Saturday, but Sunday he was just too sick to show the frustration.

I felt bad that Sunday, when he needed our cheers and screams the most, it took me some time to get beyond worried mom mode and give him that.

Despite being under the weather Saturday, Kiiyan did a pretty good job of still being his silly, bouncy self.

During the first encore, Kiiyan was playing at tying his towel around his neck and complained that it made him look like an ojiisan. And e-zuka’s retort was that no matter what Kiiyan did, he looked like an ojiisan

Day two opened with Kiiyan clinging to his mic for dear life. It was heart-breaking.

e-zuka was so sweet to Kiiyan, coming over to check on him after the opening three song set Sunday. Kiiyan’s head was bothering him because of the lights and sound, but he shook his head no, that he didn’t want to stop. So for the first time I’ve ever seen, e-zuka started the first MC.

e-zuka did most of the talking at the very end too, and put his arm around Kiiyan’s shoulders. (we got a hug the first day, first time in eons)

He also sang a song I didn’t recognize during his solo. It was lovely.

Kiiyan wore his cloak all through the first set because it was apparently cold on stage, and so he could cough (and tear up)  into it. The girl to my left didn’t realize at first, thought it was cute and I just wanted to grab her and go “Can’t you see how sick he is!?”

Sick as he was, some songs he still sounded amazing on … 抱かれて, Under the Sky, Pierrot Dancin’, Brush the Scar Lemon. But he couldn’t possibly hit that last note on ナミダバナ, alas. And he let e-zuka and us sing some of the higher bits of Can Do.

And somehow … Kiiyan was still sexy as all get out when he was singing. Well, when he wasn’t on his knees, or clinging to the mic stand for dear life.

Especially on Brush the Scar Lemon. Hip action like he hasn’t done in so long … or since. Unfortunately, that’s probably what did him in for good. It was just too much. But so, so sexy.

Kiiyan mostly stayed dead center on stage, only using his platform once, for darlin’. I was sure he was going to pitch forward and we’d have to catch him.

When he did wander from center, he sang on his knees a lot. When he was singing Can Do on his knees down where my friend was,  e-zuka kneeled next to him.

Kiiyan was so worried about disappointing people. Kept apologizing. 😦

During the first bit of シャニムニ, Kiiyan was on his knees just to my right … and damned if bad as he felt, he didn’t try to give us sexy Kiiyan, with that bad boy tongue….

He lay down on his back in the middle of the stage to sing the last bit of modern strange cowboy, after bouncing around for much of it.

And oh god, Under the Sky … approaching the final couple of verses, Kiiyan just couldn’t. Couldn’t sing. Couldn’t stand. Him sinking to his knees in front of me, head drooping, is an image I would like to forget. It made my heart stop. The audience finished singing the song for him, and if there was a dry eye in the house, shame on you!

They skipped the first encore … but they should have called it all off, let him rest. It was the first time I ever wished for a GR show to end early. I was really hoping they’d skip the encores and just come out to say good night and thank you. Couldn’t bring myself to chime in with the Gran-Rodeo call and response

We ended up singing a lot of Punky Funky Love for him too.

At the end e-zuka took the mic first, and when he finished, although I know he couldn’t hear me, I pointed to Kiiyan, yelled “take care of him.”

And when Kiiyan got on the drum riser to jump, I was making a “Dame desu!!” gesture at him. I know he saw me, and I understand why he felt he needed to jump, but I was so scared he’d hurt himself.

Kiiyan threw his venue wristbands to the front row. One to each side of me.

Earlier he did deliver his “you guys are all cute” speech, including telling the RB they were sugoku kawaii. And delivered in such a soft voice….

e-zuka played with Takita’s fox tail like a cat at one point

And Takita stuck the neck.of his bass through e-zuka’s legs while the latter was on Kiiyan’s pedestal

Osaka Bayside

Lovely venue, if not as convenient as Zepp Namba. Spacious inside, nice high stage

HAPPY HEALTHY KIIYAN!!!

He talked about Sendai a little, asked who’d been there, and was taken aback at how many of us had been. He apologized even more.

So, during his intro, Takita was like … “I wanted to do something to make Kiiyan happy … and I know he has a thing for nicely painted toes. So I went yesterday and got a pedicure.” Kiiyan replied, “Well, yes, i’ve often said i’ve got a fetish for that, but Takita-kun-senpai….”  e-zuka then asked, “So … how can Kiiyan see your toes? I bet they’re painted black.”  Takita said he had planned on wearing new sandals to show them off, but something went wrong with them and he had to switch back, almost missing his shinkansen this morning. e-zuka told him to take a pic later and Shin could post it to Twitter.

We learned that Shin often posts to Twitter from the bath tub.

Shin said he used to live in this ratty apartment in Osaka, next to a couple … and every night around 2 his wall would start knocking. He was so annoyed he wanted to go bang on their door. Takita told him he should’ve joined in on the drums.

Kiiyan and Nakamura Yuuichi ran into each other at Shin-Osaka on Saturday. He apparently described Nakamura as “the popular seiyuu who looks good after losing some weight.”

Kiiyan was telling the audience Sunday that no way they knew the song Takita has been playing in his solo, but I knew it was Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely,” so I quoted the lyrics to him on Twitter the following morning.

Day 2 I ended up behind two fanatical e-zuka girls. Which meant lots of love from him, of course.

Plus had Kiiyan come stand right in front of us and yank his shirt up high during msc. Always welcome!

Kiiyan decided to intro Y.W.F. as  “yoi … warui … fuckin’”

Takita and e-zuka had a mock arm wrestling battle during Y.W.F.

And e-zuka was chasing Takita’s tail again

Shin-chan had guys screaming “Shin-chan” at him and he hasn’t quite figured out what to do about this, which was cute.

Met an RB outside who was collecting messages for Kiiyan; he seemed thrilled to get some foreigners to sign. He was also very surprised I was going to all the shows.

We saw a foreign guy walking away from the venue on Sunday, tour bag in his hand. Still want to know what was up with that.

I had been joking, given my near misses with tossed things, that something would have to land in my cleavage for me to actually end up with something. Imagine my surprise when one of e-zuka’s bottles of Pocari Sweat bounced off a few hands and landed into my (rather plunging) cleavage. All miiiiiine. Heh.

Nagoya

Technically Monday’s Zepp Nagoya show was the tour finale. And it didn’t disappoint, not one bit. Happy birthday to me!

e-zuka must have thought he was experiencing deja vu on Monday:  not only was I in the exact same place as Osaka (2nd row, between Kiiyan and e-zuka), with cleavage to spare (also the same as the previous week), I was behind the EXACT SAME PAIR of e-zuka fangirls. They were even dressed the same.

So, ah, yeah, we got a LOT of e-zuka love in our little bit of the stage. Like last week, he sat down, feet dangling off the stage, to get fanned for Y.W.F. Except this time right in front of us. In fact, he came back for more, tugging the collar of his shirt down down… We distracted him sufficiently that he only briefly bugged Shin at the beginning of the song, stealing a drum stick and playing the cymbal while Takita tried to shoo him away.

Takita said he hurt his leg during Can Do Sunday, and something happened during Can Do Monday, but he assured us even if his body wasn’t 100%, his spirit was.

Kiiyan … oh Kiiyan. Again during modern strange cowboy, while standing right in front of me, up went his tank top, exposing his lovely belly. It’s mesmerizing…. he did quickly yank his shirt up during Blackout, but msc was for much longer. Had him in front of me, or near for most of darlin’, a chunk of msc, Can Do…. and for Punky Funky Love, he came over and lay down on his side on the stage, head propped up on one elbow … and sang. Given his vantage point (a few feet to my right), he probably got an eyeful. He seemed embarrassed once he got down on the stage, but followed through. Heh. Nice birthday present, yep.

Met up with a French fan I met through Instagram/Twitter/Tumblr. Glad she and her boyfriend seemed to enjoy the show. ^_^

Namba Hatch

There was a hanamichi, or smaller stage jutting into the first section! We didn’t realize day one, or we would’ve aimed for it.

Brush the Scar Lemon wasn’t as sexy as Sendai, but it was on FIIIIIIRE at the end.

The girls in front of me day one… were awesome. Coordinated pierrot pants, colorful animal print bikinis, pierrot makeup

During … msc, I think it was, he sat down on the opposite side of the hanamichi, legs dangling, and urged some RG to “motto, motto”. And then looked awfully embarrassed at himself when he stood up.

Apparently he took someone’s hand during Sea of Stars on Sunday, sang to her.

e-zuka mentioned playing Zookeeper on his phone. He’s stuck on level 12.

He apparently asked the folks at the meet and greet Saturday if they played DQ, since Kiiyan is so addicted. But none of them did.

Kiiyan is so hooked on DQ he fell asleep playing while waiting for some sports thing on tv, woke up in the morning to find the news on.

The same guy who collected messages for Kiiyan to get well at Bayside had shikishi for Kiiyan’s birthday, and to say thank you to Shin. We signed, of course!

There’s always fans waiting at the train station to see them when they arrive (stalker much?). Yesterday there were fewer, because the e-zukas came in Friday, but there some. And this guy waved to Takita and said “hi,” so Takita assumed it was an RB. But no … the guy mistook Takita for an AV actor. Kiiyan introduced him by that name on Sunday.

When Shin was asked if he’s been mistaken for someone, he said also for an AV actor.

e-zuka finally succeeded in stealing a drumstick from Shin and “played” the guitar with it during Y.W.F.

And, uh, Kiiyan threw in hip thrusts for the  “punky” “funky” bit of Punky Funky Love. He wasn’t facing my way for that, alas.

Met up with a Greek fan who I’d helped get tickets for the shows — hihi Netsuki!

Diver City

Hanamichi again! Ended up 2nd row, very end on e-zuka’s side of it. So facing Kiiyan the whole time. Both days

And wow. Tokyo crowds are rough. Day one the barriers couldn’t hold the girls to the sides of the hanamichi … so staff had to crouch the whole show, straining to keep the barrier up. Even my section got a staffer for a while, but we weren’t leaning that hard. It was bizarre, standing in the middle, to hear a squeal of surprise and look over to see the barrier almost topple and staff running to prop it up … and then the same thing from the left. And then we had a tiny, tiny surge.

Kiiyan joked it was a job for Takita, hands at breast level like the staff were.

After the first set of songs, staff came out to ask Kiiyan to tell the fans to ease back from the barrier and spent some time trying to get them to do just that while Kiiyan and e-zuka were MCing.

Kiiyan told us he hadn’t felt well before the first show, so went to the doctor just in case. Nothing bad, but he ended up with a shot anyhow.

Takita took off his shirt at the very end of day one (and looked awesome doing it). Shin ran over to protect him.

Takita lay down on his belly to play during his solo. Both days. Day one he was on the hanamichi and I could see only his foot. Day two he did it on his side of the stage and I could actually see him.

Not to be outdone, e-zuka played behind his head and with his mouth. After the latter, he would make a bunny face and ears. Too cute!

When e-zuka came out onto the hanamichi for Amazing Grace, they turned the lights on so bright we had to shield our eye to watch … and then they turned them down and he had to squint to see us. He leaned forward and said “Mabaroshi? (mirage)”

Kiiyan sang exactly two words of Endless Summer (“Endless summer…”) after move on. TEASE.

Day one Kiiyan gave away the set list to someone in the right front. Extreme jealousy!

And the last towel he threw day one he wiped on all four of them.  e-zuka jokingly offered his belly, and now we know he wears white undies.

Kiiyan wears pinkish red undies, as evidenced when he lost his shirt day two.

Also day two, his birthday,  Kiiyan brought out Kishomi to intro Takita and Shin. Because he had just sung 抱かれて and was in Kishomi mode. (Now I’ll always envision Kishomi singing that song). He mentioned it was Kishomi ‘s birthday, so Takita wished Kishomi happy birthday. XD

For his birthday, when they came back out for the encore, a staffer wheeled a birthday cake out, and e-zuka walked a blindfolded Kiiyan out to the stage (where he pretended to chop a watermelon). e-zuka, Takita and Shin (and the staffers) were wearing t-shirts with Kiiyan’s face (lovingly caricatured by e-zuka) and “Kishou love / Kiiyan rabu” written it. (Kiiyan came out in one of the shirts for the 2nd encore, and tossed it to someone on his way out). Kiiyan had half expected his parents to be there when he took the eyemask off. He declined to go face first into the cake, but did try one strawberry.

e-zuka offered to sell the shirts for 20,000 yen.

Belly again during msc, but over on Takita’s side of the stage.

So … Y.W.F. Apparently forgetting he was on live TV, Kiiyan first stroked his mic suggestively, then grabbed his crotch repeatedly … and then came over to the corner where I was standing, and leaned over to put his right foot on the barrier, one person over. All the while proclaiming we shouldn’t touch his chinko. (Lucky for him, no one could reach that far!) I wasn’t sure at first I could reach him at all, but I reached over with my left hand, found the hem of his pants leg quite easily. Tugged gently, to assure myself it was really him, then slid my hand up to his knee … and then around and down his calf (I had his lower leg to myself). And damn, his calf muscles are to die for. He lingered quite a while, so I had time to run my fingernail and hand up his shin and back down his calf, and while I was giggling at the girl next to me patting his inner thigh, I tapped out the time with my palm on his shin. Kyaaaaaaaa! Given the line in Y.W.F. that goes something like “why don’t you grope me more in your inexperienced way” the whole birthday groping seems appropriate (and he must’ve enjoyed it, else he’d’ve cut it short).

That girl turned out to be very nice (I asked her if Kiiyan’s thigh was the best.) and her friend recognized me from the NY Countdown. Hope I can run into them again!

Kiiyan was wearing a thick bandage on his right hand for both shows. Turns out his wrist or hand got hurt in Osaka during the high touch, when someone must have yanked too hard in taking his wrist band off him. Knowing that, I am beyond grateful that he trusted us not to hurt him/get him hurt while he was on the barrier.

I’m bummed that I spaced out when they asked for those of us who went to all the shows. Ah well. I know I went to all of them, and I didn’t need special recognition for it. But I am hoping they ask again at G12 like they did with G11.

Piedan tour write-up

This is going to get long, so buckle in!

[artworkandstuff]

Journal of reflection

Having read the brief for the final major project I was able to construct a project proposal which I felt clearly reflected my work throughout the course. The course has certainly been challenging for myself as I am from a performing arts background, however I have thoroughly enjoyed the course as I haven’t let my lack of experience in art hold me back, if anything I have been able to apply my previous abilities into my most recent work. Not only that but I have gained many skills which will stay with me forever.

Reading through the brief has given me many ideas, and routes to go down. Of course I have chosen politics as its a subject I love and it’s one that’s always changing which would lead to me adding more or changing my work throughout the course of the its development. Haven been given a sheet that suggests possible outcomes as well has helped me to explore possible areas I could work in with my chosen subject. One of my first ideas was to go down the route of podcasts as it’d be classed as communication which is one of the routes suggested. I have briefly research podcasts and particular recordings to see where I could take them as I could incorporate much more into the podcasts then just them as they are. For example for each interview I could create a piece of art inspired by that interview, the subjects that were spoken about, the agreements and disagreements. This could be anything from a painting to a video or even a small installation. Realistically though, as a means of work for a final major piece, I’d feel that I would be limiting myself with a podcast as it only consists of audio. Not the best thing you could have in a gallery with each podcast up to an hour long, no one will sit through it and listen.

A second idea I had was to create rap. Not your standard “bad man” - “money and drugs” - “cars and tits” kind of rap, but rap with context and some form of educational message. Something that someone who doesn’t usually listen to, would have them entertained and informed. Rap goes back to poetry and the skill of putting words with words. Sounds straightforward, though by placing particular words with words you can create a “beat”. This happens by the rhyming and pronunciation of words leading to a rhythmic pattern forming. Inspiration would be taken from the likes of Artists such as “Dave” and “Akala”. Both artists have pieces that you would consider common rap, however they both step away from that to create their own, meaningful and educational material. I feel that as I come from a performing arts background, and I wish to go forward into technical theatre management and producing, to create my own performance piece would suit me down to the ground. Not only that but it’d allow me to test my English skills. If I was to go ahead with this idea I’d really need to gain an understanding of my audience I’d be aiming it at as for many it may just go right over their heads.

My third and final idea I had was to create my own clothing with a spin off of popular brands. It’d include fake branded pieces, such “labour” created in the style of “lacoste”. As of the 2017 general election, fake branded pieces of clothing started to gain popularity. One rather popular piece was of the NIKE logo on a white T in red with the slogan “corbyn” as opposed to “just do it”. This particular item really helped spread the love of corbynism, but also the idea that fashion can be used to give across a message. A company who have taken hold of this trend is “bowl cut garms” who take well known brands and change them. Such as “reebok” to “rasclart”. If I chose this idea I’d have to look into printing companies and attempt to work with an editing platform again, such as photoshop, which is something I’ve struggled with in the past. As much as I want to push myself with work, I don’t want to go attempting something that could push me back as oppose to push me forward in progress.

If I was to take music, I would relate each song to a subject within politics, weather that be a news article, a law, a politician, a political party or even an ideology. On top of that I’d have to create a name for myself as a rapper. I have a few names in mind, but they’d have to relate back to my work and have meaning. One rather important subject I would love to write and rap about is equality and representation. With the political party incharge of government a lot of things I’d consider important are either missed or not given the work they need in order for issues to be resolved correctly and fairly. Even subjects such as police brutality and organised fat cat tax crime, such as tax havens.

If I was to take the idea of clothes I’d focus on well known brands and make an effort to copy them to the names of the political parties, or even to particular laws as well. A few ideas I have in the works is to copy the famous fashion designer brand YSL logo and change it to SNP (scottish national party). The font would be the same, however the name would change to mean something else.  The item of clothing would have to have the logo embroidered onto it so I’d have to get on with a sewing machine and have a go. The clothing itself would just be cheap, plan items from the internet.

If I went ahead with the podcast choice I’d have to go about getting the materials, such as multiple mics, a way to record the pieces as well as a sensibile location. I’d definitely attempt to get the principle onboard and have a chat with him about the political climate. A mixture of friends and family too so I had a wide opinion range. Perhaps I could even put out invitations for people, whoever they are within college to express their own views on certain subjects, that’d definitely be cool.

Having thought about my possible routes and talking to my teachers as to where to go and where each idea could take me, it only seems appropriate to go down the route of creating my own music as its something I know I can do, but also its something that’ll push me creatively to achieve something I never have. Having said that I did actually create a song last summer and a video to accompany it. There was no reason for the creation of it, simply out of boredom and nice weather. It was really fun as I use to do a lot with video editing and it’s something I want to get back into. The enjoyment of editing and tying many clips together to create one whole piece is really rewarding when you watch it back, especially if it comes across professional. Physically making beats and making music is something I’ve always wanted to explore. Last summer I had my musically talented brother give me a hand with the basics of creating a beat which has definitely enlightened an interest in music in me.

I’ve decided on music and I’m excited for it as its a chance to explore my skill set that bit more. Choosing subjects is difficult and so I done a huge spider diagram to narrow down potential ideas and just put everything in my head of paper. After a short while of reading back the spider diagram I chose a few subjects to elaborate on in the means of lyrics or “bars”. I didn’t really think too much into it, I just wrote them on my notes in my phone and just went with the flow, nothing overly thought out and by doing so allowed me to not confine my thoughts to anything, I could just write. I posted them on the blog to show lyric development.

Choosing subjects to rap about are actually really cool as you have to think about the words associated with them and how well you can play on them or how well they sound together. Not only that but it’s important to gain an understanding of a subject before you go ahead and write about it. I know initially I wanted to write 5 songs however I have dropped that to four as I don’t feel that I can actually write about something that isn’t affecting me. By ethnicity I am middle eastern and european though my appearance is primarily white. Because of this I have never been discriminated against because I am more european looking and as I have never experienced racism I don’t feel that its my place to say something I’ve never been affected by. Of course I should use my privileged appearance as a way to talk about subjects others wouldn’t be heard for, however I just don’t feel comfortable having thought about it as it’s like asking a man to decide a woman’s abortion rights.

Having started to form a basic idea of my pieces and how I want them to be portrayed I started to think about beats to go with them and how I can create each track so that it is easily distinguishable. My plan for the beats to go with the lyrics are to find a few free copyright free tracks and edit them. This is a lot more of an easier process as I’ll use a simple beat and simply add to it but put in new edits, as well other instruments and new tuning. This will then make it mine as trying to create a solid beat can take weeks.

Today I started to record my work on some software. The actual software is a friends but he’s more than happy for me to use his equipment. He sat in the room with me but on his phone while I had a free for all and went mad. It was extremely fun, the software is kind of easy to use but it’s a little too flashy for me so I did have to keep asking how to do certain things, but besides that it was a real learning curve.

- With majority of the tracks now in the bag it’s important for me to think about presentation as that’s important in order for me to prepare myself for the audience as how else would they see it. Simply showing it on a computer isn’t really that shocking. I think back to the modern Tate museum when I saw a piece about black lives matter and they had 5 old television screens playing videos and facts and it’s something that I feel if I were able to do, it’d look good. The mix of all videos playing at once with my music would look awesome.

-Upon later evaluation with my previous idea for my presentation, it has flaws. If I’ve gone to the effort to create 4 tracks, with videos and I play them all at once over the top of one another, it’ll ruin the whole piece and what they are about. It’d be different if I needed to layer them as part of layering it would help bring my piece together, by to be honest, layering would completely ruin my work, I wasn’t even thinking logically last time, I think I just got excited. So to combat this idea I intend to only have one telly and I’ll have to play the videos in a series so you’d have to watch one after another, after another and keep it on look. It shouldn’t be a problem, I just need to source a TV and DVD combi.

Thinking of ideas for the videos to accompany the tracks has been really difficult till last night when I had a brainwave. I was laying down in bed and couldn’t sleep, it must of been 3AM and out of nowhere all of these ideas came for what I could do. It was incredible. I grabbed a notepad and started to write these ideas down as I didn’t want to forget them. I thought of one for each track and it’s really a weight of my shoulders as I know what I want to do.

For police brutality I’m thinking of having police brutality videos play in the background on a projector as I rap in front of them. I want the video to be raw and honest. With political correctness i’m thinking of collecting loads of videos of all sorts of people from different ethnicities and backgrounds, and ages, and sizes to show how vast and varied everyone is. For Conflict catalyst I have in my head the idea of playing with toy soldiers and burning them with a petrol can to show how soldiers are treated like toys and them being burnt my petrol is the oil we fight over. The last video idea I had in mind was for Our Freedom, Our future and that’s an idea I thought about the other day but never realised how to operate it. Behind my gym there is actually a load of cargo containers and someone has fly tipped   some old arm chairs. I drove past them when I was exiting the car park and thought how cool it’d be for a music video and then last night it clicked. I could use it and say how that if Tory austerity continues the way it is then we’ll all end up in poverty. The industrial feel of the cargo containers would be to show a very basic and sad future ahead. To show that the future is no more evolved than now.

Finally after weeks of searching I have found a TV DVD combi, I won an Ebay bid for £5.50 and everything works. On top of this, this week I have finally filmed all of my work. Everything you ever plan, is only ever a plan and never set in stone and that seems to be the way for me. My videos aren’t what I originally planned, but by jumping hurdles I have made them better. My our freedom our future video was the only one that went how I planned it, and I’m happy I kept it simple and I know once edited it’ll look good.

The other videos which include conflict catalyst, police brutality and political correctness all changed as I came to filming each other. Conflict catalyst didn’t change much more than how I envisioned it, I just burned the toy soldiers somewhere else to where I originally planned. Not only that but to use petrol would be too expensive and dangerous so I used lighter fluid and that done the job perfectly. One edited I’ll really be able to put it together as i feel that my description doesn’t do the videos justice as some of the shots look really powerful.

Police brutality developed to become a lot more deep than I first imagined. I chose in the end to play the CCTV footage of Rashan Charles being murdered who is someone I reference in the piece. He was wrongly accused of swallowing a package and strangled to death by a police officer who was attempting to “restrain” him. Upon filming the piece I had to play it on the projector and I sat there and watched it and it was really painful to watch and to help break that sense of pain down, by taking so many shots once edited you’ll be able to see it in the background, but it won’t be ongoing it’ll be a stop and start sort of feel as I just ignore it and played it on loop while I rapped.

Political correctness was a real flop but also a lesson for myself. So I filmed as planned with many peoples faces however I could only use a handful of people as everyone was so busy. How I first imagined it fell apart which is a real shame as I wanted to show diversity. It came to my attention that when viewing the videos they weren’t  going to fit with the music. There wasn’t enough material, but also the two pieces didn’t fit together, the music was a little too aggressive for what I thought would once work. I had a couple of days to think about it and had a great brainwave. I thought about the theatre at college as its a space I have performed in before. I thought about the idea that the empty chairs could represent people and they would be watching a performance. The performance would be myself walking over the media, by having newspapers on the floor. There’d be shots of my stamping on them, rapping in front of them, walking over big headlines, it just seemed to fill me with hope that it’d work. Much to my luck yesterday I filmed it and from watching the videos back it looks really powerful. I have my back to the audience chairs as I perform to the camera in front of me. Once I’ve edited with the music it’ll look incredible, i know it.

Editing videos can sometimes be tideos but once finished the wait is worth it. Being able to create something from nothing is always a great feeling. Going about editing the videos wasn’t too complicated, only trouble being my own editing software crashed after editing Our Freedom, Our Future and so I had to use the one at college. But I’m not complaining as that one is much more advanced, it was just easier to do it all at home at mine but making the extra effort paid off as the editing software at college allows you to really dissect the clips and cut very sharply leading to a crisp cut. Showing the videos to my teachers gave me strength knowing I was going along the right path as they were pleased with the progress I had made.

Presentation ideas for my work have evolved from 4 televisions to one, to now a television in a wooden box and art installation pieces alongside it. The reason for putting the television in the box is so that I can add hooks and hang headphones in order for people to hear my work. Not only that but as the TV is a box TV I wanted to make the most of its size and write the most powerful bars from my pieces all over it. I feel that this would really tie the whole piece together. Making the box was rather straightforward, I salvaged the wood from a skip and cut all to size, nothing fancy, just chipboard.

After much thought I have also chosen to have art installations alongside my work as opposed to just a TV with lyrics on its box. I want my piece to be interesting and to ask questions. I have thought about finding an item that I could associate with each song and write my own lyrics on it. Not only would this intrigue people but it’d also be an add on to my work itself. For Our Freedom, Our Future I want to have UK flag and write “ I’m not defending my race or culture, but i’m defending that fallen soldier”. For Conflict Catalyst I want to find an old military jacket and write “Why we selling arms to a country that doesn’t follow human rights safely”. For Police Brutality I want to write on a pair of tracksuit bottoms “They after me cause i look a certain way, they after me because of how I behave”. Though finally for Political Correctness I want to use an old book of animal farm and write “Everyone comes from the same place, weather you’re reading from a Bible, Qu’ran or looking at the start of our own race”.

After many charity shop visits I found some suitable tracksuit bottoms and an actual UK military jacket that was clearly from one of the military surplus stores. I also ordered a UK flag last week and found my Animal farm book, I was then able to paint on all of them what I wanted.

On top of this I have also created my album cover which reflects why I’ve chosen music. Music is a powerful way to interact with others, it can bring a lot of emotions with it and change people forever. To show the power of music I also bought an old radio and smashed it up but took pictures of it to show the power of music and how certain pieces of work can either rip people apart or keep them intact. I’m intending to use the smashed up piece as part of my installation work. I chose to call the EP outrage as it seems that many people, especially within news and politics become outraged by anything but it disappears after 5 minutes and then no one cares, such as Grenfell, complete outrage but nothing’s really been done. The name “DENT” is my stage name and it reflects me denting and smashing up the radio, but also because I want my music to leave a dent in people’s minds and I hope it does.

[michaelamwrites]

Unity Days 2017: Eliza Taylor on Clarke’s Journey

(A little background-- I wrote this post for the website I write for, but the editor doesn’t like it and his notes consisted essentially of “make it better,” so I a) sent an application to Talk Nerdy With Us because I’ve had enough of his over-controlling self and b) am posting this here, because I’m really happy with it, and the editor doesn’t pay me, so I’m not gonna kiss up and make my writing lower-quality.

So, with that out of the way, here we go!)

"I think there comes a certain time in anyone’s life when something really, really tragic or awful happens, and you can kind of choose to let it define you, or you can rise above it and put it to good use," says Eliza Taylor of Clarke's mourning of Lexa. "And I think that's what she's doing."

Eliza, who plays Clarke Griffin in the CW's hit post-apocalyptic series The 100, attended Unity Events Canada's very first convention, Unity Days 2017 on Saturday, January 14th, and shared a little (spoiler-free, of course) info on Clarke's journey in season 4, which premieres on Wednesday, February 1st at 9/8c on the CW.

I was able to attend Unity Days, and had such a fun time connecting with the cast, fans, and other press members! We'll be posting loads of articles about our time there (edit: I’m not sure how much I’ll post on this tumblr--it depends on when I hear back from TNWU), split up by character and actor—so without further ado, here's what Eliza Taylor had to say about season 4 of  The 100! Panels were moderated by Jo Garfein, the creator of the charity Cancer Gets LOST, who did a spectacular job making sure everything went smoothly, and that everyone was listened to.

(x)

First up, let's talk relationships!

An audience member asked Eliza how she and Alycia Debnam-Carey prepared for the scene in the City of Light where Clarke and Lexa reunite, and asked if they improvised anything. Eliza answered that she and Alycia are very close friends, and it was a wonderful surprise to have her back. "We didn’t really prepare anything, we just did what we always do, which is work well together," she continued. They improvised some, but Eliza isn't certain if any of it made it into the final cut, as the producers like to stick with the script. "We've got a chemistry, and she's a delight to work with," she finished.

Clarke is notorious for not grieving very long, and just swallowing down her pain (see: Wells and Finn), so Jo asked if we'll see Clarke grieving Lexa at all in season 4. "Yeah. That's always a shade of her now," Eliza said. "She'll always be grieving. It was the love of her life."

[At this point Jess Harmon, who plays Niylah (who Clarke hooked up with in the season 3 premiere) walked onto the stage (wearing a Jarod Joseph shirt) and yelled, “The love of your LIFE?!?!?” to much laughter. Eliza asked if they could talk about it later, babe, but no, "Niylah" was too upset to have this discussion in private.]

(x)

Now, Lexa isn't the only one Clarke has lost. She's also lost Jake, Wells, and Finn, to name a few. An audience member asked if we would see Clarke grieving her other losses. "Yes," Eliza confirmed. "She feels grief and guilt."

Another member of the audience said, “So, obviously there’s been a lot of focus on Clarke’s relationships throughout the seasons. In season 4, do we get to see more of Clarke growing individually, outside of any relationship?” Eliza confirmed that we definitely will, adding, "Which I like, you know, she’s an independent woman!"

An audience member mentioned that "Clarke’s kind of got a bad track record with keeping her romantic partners alive" and asked if, if there's a new romance for her in season 4— “Will they live?” Eliza interjected. "That’s yet to be seen. I can’t answer! But yeah, I’ve really gotta stop killing the people I love. Not that I’M killing them, it’s like I’m cursed or something.”

Jessica Harmon wasn't the only person to crash Eliza's panel. The panel was supposed to be the "Princess Mechanic" panel, but Lindsey got called in to film more stuff for episode 4x11, so it became the Princess panel, or the Wanheda panel, or just the Eliza Taylor panel. Eliza told her castmates to crash her panel, so it wouldn't just be her up there all the time, so Ty Olsson (Nyko) dropped by for a visit. Ty had initially been booked as a guest for Unity Days, but had to cancel. He showed up after all, and got to visit with the fans.

(x)

Jo asked Eliza and Ty if they ever had any scenes together, and Eliza reminded us of a scene in episode 2x07, Long Into An Abyss. Lincoln was dying from withdrawal from the reaper drug (Eliza mimed his seizures) and Ty tried to end his suffering. "I was like, 'Babe. Whoa. I think I know what to do,'" Eliza finished.

“What’s your favorite phrase in Grounder?” Jo asked, bringing on some complaints from Eliza about the difficulty of learning lines in the language. The question really never got answered, but Ty told us that despite playing a grounder, he hasn't had to speak much of the Grounder language.

Jo brought up Clarke's age, so Eliza broke down the timeline to try and figure out just how old our hero is: "So, in the pilot, I won’t turn 18 for another month. And I think we’re about 8 months in at this point. Lookin’ good, youngster!" (Eliza Taylor, for comparison, is 27.)

(x)

Eliza concurred with Jo's summary of the theme for season 4: "Can we survive today, let alone survive the next crisis?" She told us that the season is "about…finding hope, I suppose, in a hopeless place." (Yes, she did start singing.) The major enemy in season 4 isn't the grounders, or the Mountain Men, or ALIE—it's going to be a war against nature. "People are basically either giving up, or fighting till the very end. It’s going to be interesting to see which characters fall into the ‘I’m sick of surviving’ category, and who fall into the ‘I’m gonna make something happen and save the human race’ category." You can probably guess which one Clarke chooses.

We learned that Eliza disliked being separated from the "adventure squad" or "Scooby gang" (or whatever you like to call the delinquents) in season 3, and enjoyed having the gang back together for season 4. We'll also see a return to the co-leadership of Bellamy and Clarke. Clarke's relationship with Bellamy isn't the only relationship we'll be seeing more of—Eliza and Paige (Abby Griffin) worked together more this season, and Clarke and Kane (Henry Ian Cusick) will have some adventures in figuring out their leadership roles. Speaking of Kane and Abby, we'll also get to see how Clarke reacts to her mother's new relationship with Kane. And there will be more of a mutual respect between the adults and the youngsters this season.

(x)

Jo asked about the physicality of season 4 as compared to season 3, and Eliza shared that she had been training a bunch, then learned that Clarke's role this season is more political. "I do have a lot of crazy stunts, but they’re very sporadic. In this season, she’s almost like a politician; she’s just trying to delegate and keep everyone together. So I love that there’s a lot less fighting for me and a lot more trying to use my words."

According to Eliza, “Clarke is influenced by her parents in the best way possible.” She gets her more emotional, compassionate side from her dad, and her stronger, more diplomatic side from her mom.

A particularly good—and well-thought-out—question from the audience was this: "Monty shared some of the blame with Clarke for Mount Weather—do you think Raven will share the blame for her role in destroying the City of Light in a similar way, and do you think Clarke and Raven will bond over that?"

We could tell that this won't happen, by Eliza's sheepish laughter when she said "That's a really good story point." Guess the writers missed that one. "I think there’s a lot of collateral damage after the City of Light is destroyed, for both of us," Eliza continued. "You do see us kind of connect, but maybe in more of a surprising way than you would imagine."

(x)

It seems that Clarke and Luna have a lot of scenes together this season, and Eliza loves that. “She’s like my soul sister, honestly," she says of Nadia Hilker, who portrays Luna. "Like, the second we met, we were like, ‘Oh, you’re my people.’ We are gonna be friends forever. I adore her, and working with her is a treat."

@ElizasBabyBlues on Twitter sent Jo a question for Eliza: “What do you think Clarke’s greatest strength is and what is her greatest weakness? And what are yours?” Eliza's response was, “Clarke’s greatest strength and weakness are her empathy and compassion. My greatest strength is not letting criticism get me down. I love acting. My greatest weakness is chocolate or champagne.That’s my perfect Friday night.”

A woman dressed in a season 1 Clarke cosplay asked Eliza what her favorite outfit of Clarke's is. Eliza excitedly told her that her favorite outfit is Clarke's season 1 outfit, the same one the woman was wearing, saying, "It felt most like Clarke."

(x)

The trait of Clarke's that resonates most with Eliza is her resilience. Her favorite line of Clarke's is, "Life should be about more than just surviving."

“When you play a character, it’s 80% you, and 20% what’s on the page,” she shared.

The cast and crew of The 100 was just finishing filming the season 4 finale when Eliza was at Unity Days (in fact, we heard that the reason she and Bob Morley were only there for one day was that they had to finish filming the finale the next day). Eliza tried to give us some teasers without spoiling anything, saying, "It’s been hell! The things they put us through in our season finales! It’s crazy; you’re gonna love it. A lot of crazy sh*t goes on."

(x)

“It’s like last year on crack," she continued. "We’re doing so much. I can’t really say much about it because it would ruin leading up to it for you, so I’m not gonna go on about what happens. But it’s really different, for us--it takes a real turn. There’s a huge twist, and I can’t wait for you to see it!”

Don't miss the season 4 premiere, entitled, "Echoes," Wednesday, February 1st at 9/8c on the CW, and stay tuned for more Unity Days coverage*!

*Possibly, depending on how this is received!

@unityeventscanada

[dreamharvestgames]

Dev Blog - June 2017

Justin - Creative Director

Hi lovely readers, I hope you've been enjoying the summer weather we've been having.

This month I've been working on wire-framing our menu and game systems. This is everything that happens outside of matches including our contract system.

What's the Contract system you say? Well, this is something that's very much still in the concept stage, but in theory, it’s a mission system that allows us to deliver both narrative-driven objectives for each of the levels we'll be launching with, training missions for each of the scripts, daily/monthly events and more. It’ll be wrapped up in a cool narrative package that will hopefully envelope you in the world of Failure: NeuroSlicers and your role as an unstoppable Slicer in the NeuroNet.

With this system, we'll be able to give you a constant flow of evolving narrative, cool progression based rewards for completing contracts that allow you to customize your avatar and scripts and allow you to grow your character as you spend more time in the network, but most importantly will allow us to expand on the game even after full release in super interesting ways.

We'll have lots more to share in regard to this system and more down the line, but for the time being, here are some amazing fun to look at wireframes (I promise, they're fun to look at 😊)

Until next month…

PS. Don’t forget to join our Discord Channel if you want to discuss anything about the game with us; we'd love your input.

Sven - CTO / Lead Programmer

Yay, another time to forget what I did last month.

From what I can remember, I mostly focused on porting our game server from C# to Java. In case that seems like a stupid idea to you (because you think C# is much nicer, which I agree) let me elaborate a bit why this was necessary.

First, the original server was never really intended for production use and was mostly a prototype to test the network functionality, so it had to be redone. This open question is why do it in Java instead of C#. There were a few reasons for this:

The rest of the backend systems are already written in Java which was mostly done because a lot of frameworks only exist for Java.

After doing some benchmarks comparing Netty and DotNetty I concluded that Netty was performing a lot better than DotNetty (with the same load Netty used 10% CPU vs. DotNetty which used 25% CPU and quite a bit more ram). While this would, in many cases, this doesn’t really matter that much in most server applications, our game server is meant to handle a lot of concurrent games, therefore, network performance was really important.

<bias> I assume it’s easier to run Java than .net on servers. I should mention here that I worked as a sysadmin for a long time and I’m used to running Java applications. So, I’ve got a lot experience doing that but very little running .net applications. </bias>

To annoy Milcho.

Slightly off-topic: does anyone know a good Raspberry Pi alternative (or some other cheap computer) with a lot more ram (something like 4GB+)? I was trying to find something simple/cheap where I could install the whole server backend + game server for testing and having something we can easily take with us when going to events. If you have any good suggestion contact me on Twitter: @i_gamedev

Milcho - Lead Designer / Gameplay Programmer

Salutations, “I am here, ready to enlighten you, but are you ready to be enlightened?” 

I don’t know why you thought this might be an actual quote, but it definitely isn’t. I make up things all the time. In any case, let’s go over what’s been happening in the gameplay department of Failure for the last month. 

First, we’ve always been planning this massive meta-game on top of the RTS that’s we’re making to add a whole different layer on which you can focus on. The first few weeks of the month involved figuring exactly how that system might work and how it would integrate with our other systems. We got pretty far, but as game development often goes, we’ve put that on holds since it was too awestriking and dangerous for the rest of the team. We’re going to revisit it in a few months and prototype a few versions to get the best out of it. 

The rest of the time I spent thinking about how much I like doughnuts and how to get them in my diet without my dentist going after me with a stick. During that time, I also started prototyping a new and improved resource systems for the game, which was a huge task. We’re talking about changing something that has been fundamental for a game that has been around for almost 3 years and making sure that everything works in the aftermath. The main reasons for this redesign is to reduce the effect of snowballing, making sure that players that are losing a match have a chance to come back from possible defeat, though we also want to make sure that our matches stay within the 5 - 10-minute length. So far, it’s going great though and we’re definitely on the right track. I’ll update you on its progress next month. 

Speaking of next month, I guess that’s when I’ll be talking to you again. Until then, make sure to keep your doughnut intake healthy (whatever that means for you).

Loïc - Art Director / Designer

This month I’ve been focusing on polishing our UI and feedback, along with work on the new deck system.

In term of preproduction, I wrote and sketched concepts for all our nine environments and subsequent levels, tying the specific objectives of each level to the themes of the environment it takes place in. 

These are just quick prototypes of possible levels and are in no way the final look, layout or colour/theme scheme, but this is all part of our process.

Kelvin - VFX Artist / UI Artist

Yo! More UI going on this month! We really had to figure out a type of UI frame/theme to use. We wanted it to be modern, stylized, and minimal. Both Loic and I had to work together, throwing sketches back and forth, to get to the iteration that we are at now.

There were tons of iterations beforehand but we got to this. We've designed a pattern for the background of the frames also that connected organically but with strong and strict lines.

Another exciting thing we added is the notification system! There are times you're focusing on a part of the map and you don't notice your buildings being attacked. DO NOT FRET! I worked with Milcho on this system that will notify you when something is being attacked and which direction it's in! It's extremely helpful and will really help you on your game.

Adding to the notification system, we added a very, very simple change that shows feedback on your units being attacked. When a unit is attacked, it should flash white now. Simple, but awesome 😊

I also worked on an FX this month! Woo! It took a bit to get it right, but once you spend tech, the tech fragment will shatter in this cool flash of glitchiness! It's a very small part of the screen, but it turned out very nice.

Amelie - UX Researcher / Writer

So, what happened on my side since the last time, well, mostly to be honest holidays 😊 I drafted some wireframes for the deck builder and some other menus before leaving and while I was gone Justin polished those and the guys discussed it, made some improvements and I came back only to have to say "Wow that's awesome! Let's put this all in and test it!" So, Georgia was really cool, I encourage everybody who likes mountaineering and good wine to visit, trust the French girl even just the wine is worth it! 

In Georgia every time you drink, someone makes a toast, it's tradition and if it may seem a little funny to us (especially because the toasts can be really long) they take it really seriously. And then, if you drink often I mean, you get used to it and you learn to enjoy it, you know to learn to be grateful for something in your life every day (or 4 times a day depending how much you like their wine...) so here is my toast, despite Creative England really not getting how video games work and putting us in a really shitty position, and our boss being really rather britishly cross you know... the team is still there 😊

Everybody is still super motivated to make a good game, we're not here for the money we're here for the passion of creating an experience that we really hope you will enjoy and remember. So, to passion and to the sleepless nerds in this team who make this game come to life! Cheers bros!

Writing wise I had made a good start on the faction’s motivations and identity, I also worked on our main character background, started to imagine what brought him to become a slicer...

So now that I'm back I have loads of testing to do, and my objective for the next week will be to take the time to read the mountain of level design the team has produced, see how the maps objectives can fit into mission stories and last but not least nail the first version of our intro narrative!

Daniel - Composer

Coffee shops. Who would have thought that the music of Failure NeuroSlicers would sound like coffee shops?

Now, re-read that first sentence in the voice of Christopher Walken and you begin to enter the rabbit hole of strange that I've entered since the last newsletter. While 'the rabbit hole of strange' sounds like a particularly psychedelic category of pornography, I'm in fact referring to a world of sound that surrounds most of us each and every day: the inner workings of our electrical goods.

By using an induction coil pick up (a device similar to the pick-ups on an electric guitar), I've been able to record the electronic signals of just about the entire contents of my house and — to the concern of some patrons — most of my local shops. It transpires that many of our electrical goods are host to wonderful, bizarre and, sometimes, frightening sounds; many of these sounds can be very rhythmical and full of unusual accents and musical phrases. By 'frightening' I don't mean that our devices are low-key telling us to worship Satan, but that they create sounds you wouldn't expect (particularly the payment terminal at my local coffee shop). If you happen to have an induction coil mic and nothing better to do, try recording a PS4 while you turn it off from the system menu — it really is hours of fun for all the family.

By recording all of this information with the coil pick up, I've been able to transcribe the rhythms of some electrical items and assign those rhythms to different musical instruments to create sonic fragments that cross the boundary between natural and man-made — much like the Neuro Net. For some of the less rhythmical recordings, I've been able to alter, distort and pitch the electronic sounds in Pro Tools and create some interesting instruments (my favourite so far is the synth I've created from my beard trimmer). It is this blend of natural and un-natural, of 'above the line' and 'below the line', that will form the music of Failure NeuroSlicers and, sometimes, that will even include the sounds of my local coffee shop.

Until next time.

Bobby - Communications Manager

I'm used to being the behind the scenes guy for Justin and the team and, on occasion, the doting fanboy of Failure: NeuroSlicers as it evolves. Watching the team work, extremely, hard makes you want to try and do more and one of my tasks is to try and identify community opportunities, specific to the game, and connect with a wider audience; not just from game genre perspective, like RTS, but think about the style and story of the world that will pull fans from all areas of the gaming community to keep them up to date with what's going on within the game.

I'm hoping those already reading this will be subscribed to all our various communication channels, i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and our newsletter but sometimes these can be dependent on, you, the community to scroll by it in your news feed, which, if you're like me subscribe to a lot of feeds, and will sometimes miss content as it becomes, what I like to dub, a complacent channel we go into autopilot when using.

How to prioritise communication channels? It's a daily thought for me. How many users are subscribed to each channel, what to publish to first can be difficult as it's a changing landscape but recently Discord is becoming more and more popular with the gaming community because of its real-time forum nature. The younger generation these days, the millennials, are used to instant messaging, they don't want to wait for emails or a post reply, they want to know someone is on the other end of the window ready to engage and that's why we're going to start pushing a ton of content there on a daily basis.

It's a great platform with so much control, not only with chat but voice too. We get asked about Alpha testing all the time and one of our recent meetings play testing came up. As you can imagine we're a small team and everyone getting time together across multiple time zones can be tricky so if it's something you'd love to get involved with please come and join our Discord group. We'll be approaching active users who really want to get their hands on an early alpha build, help playtest and provide valuable feedback to continue to evolve the game leading up to its release.

Also, share, it's so important to us we get the game out there and you're all instrumental in helping us do that.

[missterius]

2018 Writing Wrap-Up

And again we get to the part of the New Year where I post a bunch of stuff about writing that’s more for me than anyone else.

I didn’t get around to sharing anything during 2018, not because I didn’t like anything that I wrote. Mostly because I think I’d want to start a new blog for writing-related things - this blog is enough of a mess already without adding my writing into the mix - and I just didn’t have the motivation to set it up.

With that, let’s get into it!

Total for 2018: 171,410 

Firstly, may I just say that that word count is completely insane. I included a journal that I wrote about my life this year, which I normally don’t do (but this one was written discussing everything going on in my chaotic life looking back on awhile when I didn’t journal, so it’s more narrative than most of my journal writing), which definitely helped boost the number of words. Still, this is over twice what I wrote in 2017! I write more than I think I do, because I’ve been feeling like I haven’t used writing enough as an outlet. I think 2018 has proved that sometimes I don’t realize how much I actually write.

The focus this year remained mostly on short stories. There was a lot of writing based around silly concepts that start out completely ridiculous and then take a dark turn at the end, casting the main character in a different light. I’m trying to be more versatile with my characters, making them more shades of gray than black and white. One other thing I noticed is that I really like writing multiple short stories based around the same characters/world. I love tying things together, or leaving endings open for potential sequels, even in short stories. 

While I really do like a lot of what I wrote during 2018, and it’s hard to pick out highlights without including too much, I did notice looking back that my 1st person POV tends to sort of be cookie cutter. The characters may differ, but they use the same kind of language and thought processes as each other. I’m guessing this is because I don’t write loads in 1st person POV, so that may be a goal for 2019.

The longest thing I wrote this year was a WIP novel, Creature of Scandal, which I wrote during NaNo and hit 50,000 words on.

Okay, with that, I’m going to get into the highlights:

‘He shot me a panicked look, but what could I do? Did he want me to tell a priest that sitting the two of them at the same table was a bad idea because this grown man and his grown ex were acting like middle schoolers dealing with drama for the first time in their lives? I almost wish I had...’ ((Supposedly) Good Catholic Kids)

‘Mass that morning had gone nicely up until communion, when a girl named (Censored) decided to prove that I can’t get a day’s rest, even on the Sabbath.’ ((Supposedly Good Catholic Kids)

‘I’m stuck on a pendulum called Grief Swinging between agony and emptiness. When I feel anything, I feel everything. But otherwise, I feel nothing. Nothing is heavier than I thought it would be.’ (From an untitled poem I wrote after my childhood dog, Cinnamon, was put down)

‘Charlotte Wilson wanted more out of life than to be playing gigs at college bars. Her music deserved to be reaching the ears of the forlorn across the country, not just the drunk students swaying off the beat. As the last chord of her song died out, a cheer rose up from the small crowd. Charlotte didn’t feel much better. These kids looked for any excuse to cheer when they were this plastered.’ (Creature of Scandal)

‘It had been thirteen years since the last time Charlotte had met with her mother. She’d been seventeen, preparing to graduate from high school, when she’d got the summons. Invitations from Marie Green never felt optional.’ (Creature of Scandal)

‘“How do you know I rejected her?” Joon asks defensively. With another laugh, Seok sends Joon a knowing look. “Seriously? You haven’t gone on a single date for as long as I’ve known you. You’ve been working here for how long now? For years? You never make trouble. You’re never late. You’re the least troublesome employee Haneul’s ever had.” Joon narrows his eyes. “You work for Haneul, too.” Seok grins, “And I’m sure the old man regrets it every now and again. But come on, you aren’t exactly a wild guy.”’ (Flowers and Tattoos)

‘Soo Yun is furious. She is furious at the prophecy and at the prophet and at her fellow countrymen. Her family has suffered ridicule at the hands of their neighbors for decades. She has grown up in poverty, begging and stealing to survive under the judging eyes of the townsfolk. And now, the prophet has the audacity to name her the savior of their nation. To rest the burden of ending the reign of the emperor on her shoulders. To force her to serve those who refused even to look her in the eye. Soo Yun is furious, and she will have none of this.’ (Forsaking the Stars)

‘“We could keep him in the store, and he could help guard the door!” Natalie suggested, eyes wide as she beamed at the dragon as though it were a puppy. “Guard us from what?” I demanded. “The only thief I’ve had since I took over this store is him.”  “I’m calling him Midas,” Natalie announced. And I knew it was hopeless.’ (Swindler of Fortune)

‘Ned had never been to this part of the country before, but he’d heard stories of the Bodmin Moor - stories of ghosts and beasts and tales of King Arthur’s rule. He’d always chucked it up to superstition and myths, but staring out at the dreary landscape through the rain-streaked glass, he could almost believe that something supernatural lay out among the granite jutting up from the ground.’ (Untitled short story)

‘“You must be desperate to seek me out,” Aubrey told him. It wasn’t a question, so Ned didn’t give an answer. Aubrey continued. “The people of St. Ives have deemed me to be mad. Tell me, Ned Abbott, do I seem mad to you?” Had anyone asked Ned that question upon first seeing the sailor, he’d have answered, without hesitation, that, yes, the man appeared in all senses to be completely mad. But sitting in front of him, there were several words Ned might use to describe Aubrey Skewes. Intimidating. Intense. Powerful. But mad was not one of them.’ (Untitled short story)

‘The sight was a startling one. A demon in a Best Buy break room? That’s just about the last place a demon should be. I might’ve been paralyzed with fright had I not started to associate that awful screechy sound with the middle-aged woman I’d had to deal with the day before, who was convinced we should replace a laptop a year and a half past its warranty.’ (The Customer from Hell)

‘I was left with a husk of a demon at my feet, and ten minutes still left on my break.’ (The Customer from Hell)

‘Inside, the barracks were a minefield for Cristoval to navigate, each interaction with other officers a potential detonation. There was also a frenzy of activity, the kind of chaos that could only come from men finally released from the strictly controlled environments they worked in for a day that would be fully their own.’ (How Far Can You Carry This?)

‘Enoch slowly begins to fill out the form, making sure to grumble audibly under his breath. Had he realized the afterlife would involve such an incompetent bureaucracy, he’d never have bothered dying in the first place.’ (The First Haunt)

‘The sounds of celebration, the shouts and laughter and music, clashed with the steady pounding of Rin’s heart, her breath that came in gasps, the blood-curdling scream her lungs were begging her to unleash. The smiling faces of strangers seemed to taunt her, their casual enjoyment a slap in the face to Rin’s horror. Her attempts to reach the front of the crowd became an obsession, ducking around people became shoving them aside in her desperation. As she pulled to the front, Rin doubled over the bar separating the masses from the performers.’ (The Sensation of Falling in a Dream)

‘Fear was different now...[It] wasn’t intense. It didn’t paralyze her, or set her mind spinning. It held a silent presence, like an examiner during a test. It manifested in paranoia, in a deeply instilled distrust. It didn’t make her eyes tear up, it made them shift. It didn’t make her run, it made her hand hover near the holster on her thigh as she took careful strides.’ (The Sensation of Falling in a Dream)

‘Clara, who had been trying to take a drink, nearly spat out her coffee. Managing to choke it down, she burst into a laugh. “Let me off easy? I just asked where you got your degree from, you didn’t have to deliberately dress up your henchmen in my least-favorite color! If you don’t have a doctorate, you have no excuse to title yourself Doctor Revenge.”’ (Out to Lunch)

‘“You’re unbelievable,” Clara laughed. “Until next week, then, Mr. Revenge.” “See you next week, you second-rate mastermind.” Clara threw her head back and laughed as she walked away from the café.’ (Out to Lunch)

‘With a tug on the back door, I discovered our mystery house-guest. Ms. Schofield from down the street still had her hand up to continue knocking. When she saw me, she threw open the screen door and moved past me into the house. Most people in my small town are close, but few are close enough to barge into our house without so much as a ‘hello,’ and certainly none of those on the list would be the seventh grade science teacher, Ms. Schofield.’ (The Caffeine Prohibition)

‘“Where’d you look?” my dad yelled from the kitchen over the sounds of something sizzling in the frying pan. “Mostly local corporations,” I responded, closing the lid of my laptop and leaning forward onto the breakfast bar. “But if I don’t get any calls back, I can always update my resume and apply elsewhere.” “Update your resume?” my mother frowned. “You know, I’m sure I’ll get plenty of job experience as a drug dealer,” I joked. My mom rolled her eyes while my dad chuckled from the stove.’ (The Caffeine Prohibition)

‘“It’s my sister!” he shouted, pounding a fist against the arm rest. “She’s never accepting of my career path. Constantly nagging me about when I’m going to settle down. Always trying to set me up with her single friends. I’ve had enough!” With that, the evil Doctor Revenge the public saw as a raging madman – the one responsible for the chaos of the Christmas Tree Lighting Fiasco of 2014 – was reduced to Mr. Henry Weldt, a brother fed up with his sister.’ (The Desk of Dr. Isselhardt)

‘Only then did Mr. Weldt look up and make eye contact with me. He gave me a dark look, the one he’d perfected to terrify people. But he wasn’t in costume now. We were in my office, where the only superhuman was the woman jotting down notes and talking with clients.’ (The Desk of Dr. Isselhardt)

‘A few minutes passed, and a knock sounded on the cockpit door. Deidre removed the strap holding her to her seat, and she crossed the room to open it. Atticus stood on shaky legs. “Excellent work!” he applauded. “I wish I could’ve been of more help, but I know about as much about these flashy ships as I do about the Buvocury System. But I see that the two of you handled it fine.” ---------------- “You can fly this thing?” Deidre shouted over the sound of the gunfire. She adjusted her scope and aimed for the bunker. “I thought you said you knew as much about flying as you did about the Buvocury system!” Amara added from the copilot seat. Atticus nodded. “I do! I spent twenty years in the Buvocury System working on ships like these!” Silence fell over the intercom. When Deidre managed to speak again, she demanded, “Why haven’t you told us this?” Atticus grinned wildly. “There’s a lot about me you don’t know!”’ (Untitled short story)

‘There was a pause, then Marlow forced herself to turn and start up the stairs. Over the railing, she watched as Rin returned to the street, never quite able to fit into the crowds. She smiled ruefully. They were not friends. But she still felt bound to Rin somehow. Allies. Teammates. None of the words felt quite right. Not quite friends, but something different. Trying to find the word, Marlow took her key from her pocket and made her way into her apartment.’ (Christmas in Aubergneux)

|Blood TW| “Have you been using my scissors?” I ask, keeping my gaze away from the blood staining his carpet, his shirt, and his hands. But it’s tough. There’s even a little spatter of it in his hair. Geoff’s face lights up in recognition. “Oh, yeah dude! I was just cutting out paper snowflakes earlier. They’re right over on my desk.” He starts to move back into his room, but I clear my throat. His hands are caked in blood. Geoff only now seems to notice this and nods at me as he wraps a towel around his hand to pick up the scissors. “Thanks for letting me borrow them, man.” “Sure thing, Zodiac,” I say, and Geoff shuts the door to his room again. (My Serial Killer Housemate)

|Death TW| Back at the house, I decide to confront Geoff about it. “So Mr. Cortland has died under mysterious circumstances, apparently.” Geoff doesn’t even look up from the recipe card he’s on. “Wasn’t me.” “You always say that, and I never believe you.” I set the bags of groceries on the counter and begin to put away some of the food in the fridge and freezer. Geoff shuts the box of recipes with a click. “Look, he’s a rich guy who treats him employees horribly. You’ve got to make a lot of enemies in that field.” “I wasn’t aware the toaster oven industry was so cut-throat,” I remark drily, and immediately regret my choice of words. (My Serial Killer Housemate)

A week after the dinner party, I am lounging on my couch, watching Netflix, when I hear the front door open. Being pretty sure that Geoff is in his room, I roll myself off the couch and crouch beside it, glancing around the side to see who it is breaking into my house. Despite Geoff’s best efforts in tracking down the copycat, he’s had little luck so far. Meaning I’m still at risk. As it turns out, Geoff left earlier to pick up some groceries. He spots me on the ground and squints for a minute, trying to piece together what I’m doing. I try to play it off as relaxing on the floor. I don’t want to let him know how much the idea of being the target of a serial killer is getting to me. “Did you get more bread?” I ask casually. “Yeah, they had a deal on split-top wheat,” he answers, still frowning at me. (My Serial Killer Roommate)

[moreartworkandstuff]

Journal of reflection

Having read the brief for the final major project I was able to construct a project proposal which I felt clearly reflected my work throughout the course. The course has certainly been challenging for myself as I am from a performing arts background, however I have thoroughly enjoyed the course as I haven’t let my lack of experience in art hold me back, if anything I have been able to apply my previous abilities into my most recent work. Not only that but I have gained many skills which will stay with me forever.

Reading through the brief has given me many ideas, and routes to go down. Of course I have chosen politics as its a subject I love and it’s one that’s always changing which would lead to me adding more or changing my work throughout the course of the its development. Haven been given a sheet that suggests possible outcomes as well has helped me to explore possible areas I could work in with my chosen subject. One of my first ideas was to go down the route of podcasts as it’d be classed as communication which is one of the routes suggested. I have briefly research podcasts and particular recordings to see where I could take them as I could incorporate much more into the podcasts then just them as they are. For example for each interview I could create a piece of art inspired by that interview, the subjects that were spoken about, the agreements and disagreements. This could be anything from a painting to a video or even a small installation. Realistically though, as a means of work for a final major piece, I’d feel that I would be limiting myself with a podcast as it only consists of audio. Not the best thing you could have in a gallery with each podcast up to an hour long, no one will sit through it and listen.

A second idea I had was to create rap. Not your standard “bad man” - “money and drugs” - “cars and tits” kind of rap, but rap with context and some form of educational message. Something that someone who doesn’t usually listen to, would have them entertained and informed. Rap goes back to poetry and the skill of putting words with words. Sounds straightforward, though by placing particular words with words you can create a “beat”. This happens by the rhyming and pronunciation of words leading to a rhythmic pattern forming. Inspiration would be taken from the likes of Artists such as “Dave” and “Akala”. Both artists have pieces that you would consider common rap, however they both step away from that to create their own, meaningful and educational material. I feel that as I come from a performing arts background, and I wish to go forward into technical theatre management and producing, to create my own performance piece would suit me down to the ground. Not only that but it’d allow me to test my English skills. If I was to go ahead with this idea I’d really need to gain an understanding of my audience I’d be aiming it at as for many it may just go right over their heads.

My third and final idea I had was to create my own clothing with a spin off of popular brands. It’d include fake branded pieces, such “labour” created in the style of “lacoste”. As of the 2017 general election, fake branded pieces of clothing started to gain popularity. One rather popular piece was of the NIKE logo on a white T in red with the slogan “corbyn” as opposed to “just do it”. This particular item really helped spread the love of corbynism, but also the idea that fashion can be used to give across a message. A company who have taken hold of this trend is “bowl cut garms” who take well known brands and change them. Such as “reebok” to “rasclart”. If I chose this idea I’d have to look into printing companies and attempt to work with an editing platform again, such as photoshop, which is something I’ve struggled with in the past. As much as I want to push myself with work, I don’t want to go attempting something that could push me back as oppose to push me forward in progress.

If I was to take music, I would relate each song to a subject within politics, weather that be a news article, a law, a politician, a political party or even an ideology. On top of that I’d have to create a name for myself as a rapper. I have a few names in mind, but they’d have to relate back to my work and have meaning. One rather important subject I would love to write and rap about is equality and representation. With the political party incharge of government a lot of things I’d consider important are either missed or not given the work they need in order for issues to be resolved correctly and fairly. Even subjects such as police brutality and organised fat cat tax crime, such as tax havens.

If I was to take the idea of clothes I’d focus on well known brands and make an effort to copy them to the names of the political parties, or even to particular laws as well. A few ideas I have in the works is to copy the famous fashion designer brand YSL logo and change it to SNP (scottish national party). The font would be the same, however the name would change to mean something else.  The item of clothing would have to have the logo embroidered onto it so I’d have to get on with a sewing machine and have a go. The clothing itself would just be cheap, plan items from the internet.

If I went ahead with the podcast choice I’d have to go about getting the materials, such as multiple mics, a way to record the pieces as well as a sensibile location. I’d definitely attempt to get the principle onboard and have a chat with him about the political climate. A mixture of friends and family too so I had a wide opinion range. Perhaps I could even put out invitations for people, whoever they are within college to express their own views on certain subjects, that’d definitely be cool.

Having thought about my possible routes and talking to my teachers as to where to go and where each idea could take me, it only seems appropriate to go down the route of creating my own music as its something I know I can do, but also its something that’ll push me creatively to achieve something I never have. Having said that I did actually create a song last summer and a video to accompany it. There was no reason for the creation of it, simply out of boredom and nice weather. It was really fun as I use to do a lot with video editing and it’s something I want to get back into. The enjoyment of editing and tying many clips together to create one whole piece is really rewarding when you watch it back, especially if it comes across professional. Physically making beats and making music is something I’ve always wanted to explore. Last summer I had my musically talented brother give me a hand with the basics of creating a beat which has definitely enlightened an interest in music in me.

I’ve decided on music and I’m excited for it as its a chance to explore my skill set that bit more. Choosing subjects is difficult and so I done a huge spider diagram to narrow down potential ideas and just put everything in my head of paper. After a short while of reading back the spider diagram I chose a few subjects to elaborate on in the means of lyrics or “bars”. I didn’t really think too much into it, I just wrote them on my notes in my phone and just went with the flow, nothing overly thought out and by doing so allowed me to not confine my thoughts to anything, I could just write. I posted them on the blog to show lyric development.

Choosing subjects to rap about are actually really cool as you have to think about the words associated with them and how well you can play on them or how well they sound together. Not only that but it’s important to gain an understanding of a subject before you go ahead and write about it. I know initially I wanted to write 5 songs however I have dropped that to four as I don’t feel that I can actually write about something that isn't affecting me. By ethnicity I am middle eastern and european though my appearance is primarily white. Because of this I have never been discriminated against because I am more european looking and as I have never experienced racism I don’t feel that its my place to say something I’ve never been affected by. Of course I should use my privileged appearance as a way to talk about subjects others wouldn’t be heard for, however I just don’t feel comfortable having thought about it as it’s like asking a man to decide a woman’s abortion rights.

Having started to form a basic idea of my pieces and how I want them to be portrayed I started to think about beats to go with them and how I can create each track so that it is easily distinguishable. My plan for the beats to go with the lyrics are to find a few free copyright free tracks and edit them. This is a lot more of an easier process as I’ll use a simple beat and simply add to it but put in new edits, as well other instruments and new tuning. This will then make it mine as trying to create a solid beat can take weeks.

Today I started to record my work on some software. The actual software is a friends but he’s more than happy for me to use his equipment. He sat in the room with me but on his phone while I had a free for all and went mad. It was extremely fun, the software is kind of easy to use but it’s a little too flashy for me so I did have to keep asking how to do certain things, but besides that it was a real learning curve.

- With majority of the tracks now in the bag it’s important for me to think about presentation as that’s important in order for me to prepare myself for the audience as how else would they see it. Simply showing it on a computer isn’t really that shocking. I think back to the modern Tate museum when I saw a piece about black lives matter and they had 5 old television screens playing videos and facts and it’s something that I feel if I were able to do, it’d look good. The mix of all videos playing at once with my music would look awesome.

-Upon later evaluation with my previous idea for my presentation, it has flaws. If I’ve gone to the effort to create 4 tracks, with videos and I play them all at once over the top of one another, it’ll ruin the whole piece and what they are about. It’d be different if I needed to layer them as part of layering it would help bring my piece together, by to be honest, layering would completely ruin my work, I wasn’t even thinking logically last time, I think I just got excited. So to combat this idea I intend to only have one telly and I’ll have to play the videos in a series so you’d have to watch one after another, after another and keep it on look. It shouldn’t be a problem, I just need to source a TV and DVD combi.

Thinking of ideas for the videos to accompany the tracks has been really difficult till last night when I had a brainwave. I was laying down in bed and couldn’t sleep, it must of been 3AM and out of nowhere all of these ideas came for what I could do. It was incredible. I grabbed a notepad and started to write these ideas down as I didn’t want to forget them. I thought of one for each track and it’s really a weight of my shoulders as I know what I want to do.

For police brutality I’m thinking of having police brutality videos play in the background on a projector as I rap in front of them. I want the video to be raw and honest. With political correctness i’m thinking of collecting loads of videos of all sorts of people from different ethnicities and backgrounds, and ages, and sizes to show how vast and varied everyone is. For Conflict catalyst I have in my head the idea of playing with toy soldiers and burning them with a petrol can to show how soldiers are treated like toys and them being burnt my petrol is the oil we fight over. The last video idea I had in mind was for Our Freedom, Our future and that’s an idea I thought about the other day but never realised how to operate it. Behind my gym there is actually a load of cargo containers and someone has fly tipped   some old arm chairs. I drove past them when I was exiting the car park and thought how cool it’d be for a music video and then last night it clicked. I could use it and say how that if Tory austerity continues the way it is then we’ll all end up in poverty. The industrial feel of the cargo containers would be to show a very basic and sad future ahead. To show that the future is no more evolved than now.

Finally after weeks of searching I have found a TV DVD combi, I won an Ebay bid for £5.50 and everything works. On top of this, this week I have finally filmed all of my work. Everything you ever plan, is only ever a plan and never set in stone and that seems to be the way for me. My videos aren’t what I originally planned, but by jumping hurdles I have made them better. My our freedom our future video was the only one that went how I planned it, and I’m happy I kept it simple and I know once edited it’ll look good.

The other videos which include conflict catalyst, police brutality and political correctness all changed as I came to filming each other. Conflict catalyst didn’t change much more than how I envisioned it, I just burned the toy soldiers somewhere else to where I originally planned. Not only that but to use petrol would be too expensive and dangerous so I used lighter fluid and that done the job perfectly. One edited I’ll really be able to put it together as i feel that my description doesn’t do the videos justice as some of the shots look really powerful.

Police brutality developed to become a lot more deep than I first imagined. I chose in the end to play the CCTV footage of Rashan Charles being murdered who is someone I reference in the piece. He was wrongly accused of swallowing a package and strangled to death by a police officer who was attempting to “restrain” him. Upon filming the piece I had to play it on the projector and I sat there and watched it and it was really painful to watch and to help break that sense of pain down, by taking so many shots once edited you’ll be able to see it in the background, but it won’t be ongoing it’ll be a stop and start sort of feel as I just ignore it and played it on loop while I rapped.

Political correctness was a real flop but also a lesson for myself. So I filmed as planned with many peoples faces however I could only use a handful of people as everyone was so busy. How I first imagined it fell apart which is a real shame as I wanted to show diversity. It came to my attention that when viewing the videos they weren’t  going to fit with the music. There wasn’t enough material, but also the two pieces didn’t fit together, the music was a little too aggressive for what I thought would once work. I had a couple of days to think about it and had a great brainwave. I thought about the theatre at college as its a space I have performed in before. I thought about the idea that the empty chairs could represent people and they would be watching a performance. The performance would be myself walking over the media, by having newspapers on the floor. There’d be shots of my stamping on them, rapping in front of them, walking over big headlines, it just seemed to fill me with hope that it’d work. Much to my luck yesterday I filmed it and from watching the videos back it looks really powerful. I have my back to the audience chairs as I perform to the camera in front of me. Once i’ve edited with the music it’ll look incredible, i know it.

Editing videos can sometimes be tideos but once finished the wait is worth it. Being able to create something from nothing is always a great feeling. Going about editing the videos wasn’t too complicated, only trouble being my own editing software crashed after editing Our Freedom, Our Future and so I had to use the one at college. But I’m not complaining as that one is much more advanced, it was just easier to do it all at home at mine but making the extra effort paid off as the editing software at college allows you to really dissect the clips and cut very sharply leading to a crisp cut. Showing the videos to my teachers gave me strength knowing I was going along the right path as they were pleased with the progress I had made.

Presentation ideas for my work have evolved from 4 televisions to one, to now a television in a wooden box and art installation pieces alongside it. The reason for putting the television in the box is so that I can add hooks and hang headphones in order for people to hear my work. Not only that but as the TV is a box TV I wanted to make the most of its size and write the most powerful bars from my pieces all over it. I feel that this would really tie the whole piece together. Making the box was rather straightforward, I salvaged the wood from a skip and cut all to size, nothing fancy, just chipboard.

After much thought I have also chosen to have art installations alongside my work as opposed to just a TV with lyrics on its box. I want my piece to be interesting and to ask questions. I have thought about finding an item that I could associate with each song and write my own lyrics on it. Not only would this intrigue people but it’d also be an add on to my work itself. For Our Freedom, Our Future I want to have UK flag and write “ I’m not defending my race or culture, but i’m defending that fallen soldier”. For Conflict Catalyst I want to find an old military jacket and write “Why we selling arms to a country that doesn’t follow human rights safely”. For Police Brutality I want to write on a pair of tracksuit bottoms “They after me cause i look a certain way, they after me because of how I behave”. Though finally for Political Correctness I want to use an old book of animal farm and write “Everyone comes from the same place, weather you’re reading from a Bible, Qu’ran or looking at the start of our own race”.

After many charity shop visits I found some suitable tracksuit bottoms and an actual UK military jacket that was clearly from one of the military surplus stores. I also ordered a UK flag last week and found my Animal farm book, I was then able to paint on all of them what I wanted.

On top of this I have also created my album cover which reflects why I’ve chosen music. Music is a powerful way to interact with others, it can bring a lot of emotions with it and change people forever. To show the power of music I also bought an old radio and smashed it up but took pictures of it to show the power of music and how certain pieces of work can either rip people apart or keep them intact. I’m intending to use the smashed up piece as part of my installation work. I chose to call the EP outrage as it seems that many people, especially within news and politics become outraged by anything but it disappears after 5 minutes and then no one cares, such as Grenfell, complete outrage but nothing’s really been done. The name “DENT” is my stage name and it reflects me denting and smashing up the radio, but also because I want my music to leave a dent in people’s minds and I hope it does.

[mercerislandbooks]

Message in a Bottle Updates

One of the most-anticipated books of the year (by me at least) reached the shelves of Island Books a couple of weeks ago. We gave it a brief mention in our May newsletter, but it really deserves the full-length feature treatment. Not that it will quite get that here. Lost Empress by Sergio de la Pava is one of those novels that can’t be bound in a nutshell.

There are two main narrative threads that run in parallel, one following a brilliant, football-obsessed heiress and the other a brilliant, hyper-violent criminal, both of which involve hilariously grandiose schemes. She’s trying to turn the pathetic Paterson Pork from a shambling semipro team with no fans into a gridiron juggernaut that will bring the NFL to its knees, and he’s plotting a caper that will result in riches, revenge, and the toppling of the entire New York (In)Justice Department if it doesn’t kill him first. The supporting cast includes a lovelorn EMT, a crackpot theoretical physicist, a burgeoning Joni Mitchell fan, and the world’s greatest parking lot attendant. A single paragraph from me won’t be enough to tell you how all that holds together, but if you give Sergio de la Pava your trust and 627 pages to explain himself, I promise you’ll understand.

The appearance of Lost Empress reminded me that I wrote a preview-not-review six years ago for de la Pava’s first novel. Back then he was a self-published author with big ambitions and now he’s realizing those with a successful major-label debut in hardcover. He did all the work, but it makes me feel proud too, like I placed a bet that’s paid off big.

Trawling through our archive in search of that long-ago post got me wondering if there were other stories in there that might be worth revisiting. Very quickly I found one that put me in mind of a recent Island Books guest. Poet Heidi Seaborn was here in early May to read from her collection Find My Way Home. Her work also appears in WA129, an anthology edited by Washington State Poet Laureate Tod Marshall. He was a guest himself in 2016 and our blog introduced him almost exactly two years ago.

Four years back, we honored the 70th anniversary of D-Day and I told you about a former Mercer Islander who was one of the first men to reach the Normandy beach that day. A photograph by Robert Capa showing PFC Huston Riley struggling through the waves remains one of the most iconic images of the war. My earlier post mentioned an attempt to rename a local body of water as Riley Cove; as I understand it, that proposal was thwarted by a state rule preventing geographical features from being named for people who have not been deceased for at least five years. That statute of limitations hadn’t expired then, but it has now. Is it time to hoist the flag again for Mr. Riley?

The same week of that memorial we were also talking sports, as the World Cup of Soccer and the World Cup of Literature both kicked off. Germany won on the field that year, and Roberto Bolaño won the literary crown for his novel By Night in Chile. FIFA fever is spreading again, as evidenced by the release of the Encyclopedia Blazertannica. Presented by commentators Roger Bennett and Michael Davies, globally famous as the Men in Blazers, this is the go-to guide for anyone who wants to learn more about the tactical variations of scarf tying, the pathos of doomed World Cup theme songs, the complex physics and ethics of both celebratory knee slides and fights between players, and the burning question of how professional footballers deal with hair loss. Matches begin for the 2018 World Cup in Russia next month.

Speaking of dictators, it was five years ago that I wrote about Adam Johnson’s The Orphan Master’s Son, his Pulitzer Prize-winning novel set in North Korea. At the time Kim Jong Un was rattling his saber while wining and dining a former reality TV star. Sound familiar? Then it was Dennis Rodman, now it’s ... well, you know who.

Even in 2012 the blog was already looking backward, re-evaluating the work of a favorite childhood writer. It was the release of a career-spanning story collection from Ursula K. Le Guin that inspired that post, one small voice in a swelling chorus that helped lift her reputation to new heights in the following years. The National Book Foundation awarded her with their Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters in 2014 (she gave a killer speech when she accepted her prize), several out-of-print stories and novels were republished and canonized by the Library of America, and a documentary film was crowdfunded in her honor. Her final book of essays, No Time to Spare: Thinking About What Matters, was greeted with acclaim at the very end of 2017, only weeks before her death.

So there are your updates to a half-dozen of the more than 500 Message in a Bottle posts. Our career overview can’t quite match up to Le Guin’s 88-year record (which isn’t over—a stunning illustrated compendium of her Earthsea series is due in the fall), but keep reading. We’re working on stuff now that may well be worth revisiting down the road.

--James

[ansyr1]

The U.S. women’s hockey team hasn’t won gold since 1998; will the spell be broken in Pyeongchang?

ESPN.com

Jonathan Nackstrand/AFP/Getty Images

The USWNT last won gold 20 years ago in Nagano. Since, they’ve won silver three times (2002, 2010, 2014) and bronze once (2006).

Passion forming with every tighten of the lace

Years of the same routine perfected today

Rituals that are practiced and shared behind locker room doors.

— Kacey Bellamy

It could have been a disaster.

Hurricane Irma was on a path toward the Tampa, Florida, area on Sept. 9, and authorities were bracing for a direct hit. As it happened, the best women’s hockey players in the United States had just begun training in Wesley Chapel, a few miles north of Tampa International Airport.

Even though the NHL’s Tampa Bay Lightning had decided to evacuate its players, Team USA decided to shelter in place at the Saddlebrook Resort, where they were staying. One agent who was worried about his clients told USA Today, "Why isn’t the women’s team evacuated? Is it because they are just girls … to me this is stupid, they are our Olympic team."

But Reagan Carey, the general manager for the team, had thought it through, even going so far as to find out the number and the strength of the steel trusses in the shelter area at the Saddlebrook Resort. So on Sunday morning, Sept. 10, the team members abandoned their apartments for the shelter, joining other evacuees to wait out the storm, which lost steam from its original designation as a Category 4. Still, 80 mph winds howled outside the building as Irma passed over. The women played cards, visited with Hilary Knight’s bulldog puppy, Winston, in a separate pet area, and made hockey fans out of their fellow refugees. Captain Meghan Duggan later called it "a big sleepover," and by the next morning, they were able to return to their quarters and their lives.

"We were kind of scared," said Kacey Bellamy, the veteran defenseman and one of six players who are in Pyeongchang for their third straight Olympics. "But the negative turned into a positive. It was a great bonding experience for us, the kind of thing that brings a team closer together. Plus, I learned how to play [the card game] euchre."

By Tuesday, they were back to practicing and helping out in the community. Irma faded into a metaphor for a team that has had to weather a lot of storms over the years.

There was the crushing loss to Canada in the gold-medal game in Vancouver eight years ago. And the devastating 3-2 overtime loss in Sochi in 2014 that gave Canada its fourth straight gold medal. And the battle with USA Hockey last spring, when the women threatened to boycott the 2017 IIHF world championships if they weren’t given living expenses, travel accommodations and medal bonuses befitting representatives of the United States of America.

Not only did they win that battle, but they also went to Plymouth, Michigan, for the world championships and beat Canada 3-2 in overtime in the final — earning the team’s fourth consecutive title. "We’ve been through a lot together," said Bellamy, now an assistant captain on the team. "I think that’s made us stronger."

Resilience is part and parcel of hockey, but for female players — who often start out playing with the boys, who give up the comfort of home, who fight off waves of challengers and adjust to a succession of coaches all to pursue their Olympic dreams — well, you just bounce off the boards.

You might even write a poem about the sport you love.

AP Photo/Julio Cortez, File

World champ and Olympian Kacey Bellamy (22) watched the gold medal slip away from her team to archrival Canada in two consecutive Winter Olympics. She’s looking for gold in Pyeongchang.

Actions that are defined as the norm within the team

Replaying the past of one game, one play, one second

That has triggered one year of training against that one team.

It was a disaster.

What happened in Sochi’s Bolshoy Ice Dome on March 6, 2014, is excruciating to watch, even four years later. Team USA had a 2-0 lead on Team Canada late in the third period of the gold-medal game. But with 3:26 left in the game, Canada’s Brianne Jenner fired a shot that would’ve gone wide had it not ricocheted off Bellamy’s right leg and past goalie Jessie Vetter. Coach Katey Stone clapped her hands and told the team not to panic, that they were OK.

As time wound down, Canada pulled goalie Shannon Szabados, and Team USA’s Kelli Stack got off a clearing shot that headed for the empty net … and bounced off the left side of the left post. "When those things start to happen in the game of hockey," Stone later said, "you start to wonder if it is your night."

It wasn’t. Just 55 seconds away from finally beating Canada for the gold, Marie-Philip Poulin tied the score at 2-2 to send the game into overtime. Team USA had its chances in OT — the left-handed Bellamy almost ripped one past Szabados — but then the refs made some questionable calls, leaving the U.S. short-handed at just the wrong time. At 8:10 of overtime, Poulin fired the game winner past Vetter.

Imagine what it was like watching the Canadians celebrate and then waiting around to accept your silver medals.

"All that work, all that hope," said Bellamy. "Gone just like that. It took me five months to get over it. March, April, May, June, July. I’m big on watching videos of games, but I didn’t look at that one until August. I needed to get my motivation back."

Part of that motivation has to do with the team that beat the Americans, the team that always seems to beat them. USA vs. Canada in women’s hockey is one of the greatest rivalries in all of sports. It started way back in 1916 and captivated the world when women’s hockey debuted as an Olympic sport at Nagano in 1998. The U.S. won that gold-medal game, but the Canadians have won every Olympics since.

The rivalry is so intense that 10 fighting majors were handed out in one 2013 game, resulting in six U.S. players and five Canadians crammed into the penalty boxes. But they are also friends who share a love of the sport and often play on the same collegiate and pro teams. Caroline Ouellette and Julie Chu, one-time captains of Teams Canada and USA, respectively, first met at the Salt Lake City Games in 2002 and are now coaching at Concordia University in Montreal together while raising Liv Chu-Ouellette, born to Caroline last November.

Tale of the Tape: The U.S. vs. Canada in women’s hockey

Both shielded by different armor

Separated by a simple borderline

Sharing the same frenzy for the sport and rivalry

Colors, countries, teammates

All united on the same ice

Bellamy, a women’s studies major at the University of New Hampshire, likes to write poetry in her spare time. "They’re mostly about nature and people," she said. "But I did write this one about hockey." In fact, USA Hockey used the poem for a video to promote the "Bring On The World" tour before the last Olympics.

That’s Bellamy’s voice narrating her words in the video, an ode to the challenges of the sport in general, and the rivalry in particular. There is a depth of feeling to the poem that explains why and how Bellamy and the other five three-timers have stayed at the top of the American team for so long, through three different coaches (Mark Johnson, Stone, Robb Stauber) and all the ups and downs.

"Eight years ago, I was just a rookie with my eyes wide open, in awe of where I was, who I was playing with," said Bellamy. "Now I’m 31 and still in awe of the responsibility. The Olympics is about more than the rivalry with Canada. It’s about representing the country. It’s about showing people how beautiful women’s hockey can be. It’s about the little girls with sticks, the little girls we used to be."

Two years ago, Bellamy wrote a powerful "Letter to My Younger Self" for The Players Tribune. Addressed to 15-year-old Kacey, she recalled leaving behind her family and friends in Westfield, Massachusetts, to attend the Berkshire School and how the first two weeks "are going to be the worst two weeks of your life." She told her about the friends and coaches who changed her life, about getting her heart broken when she was cut from USA Hockey’s under-22 team, about using the rejection as motivation to make the senior national team.

"You’re going to play for the U.S. team for a long time," she wrote. "But never take anything for granted. Make the most of the opportunities you have."

Each playing for the crest on the front of the jersey

And sticking up for every name on the back

Relax. Just like in Tampa, it might not be the disaster they’re predicting.

Some people who care deeply about Team USA worry that Pyeongchang will be as much a disappointment as Sochi or Vancouver or Turin or Salt Lake City were. They wonder why Stauber, a former NHL goalie who assisted Stone in Sochi, didn’t name any female assistants to his staff. And while he did coach the team to the world championship last April, and beat Canada 5-1 to win the Four Nations Cup on Nov. 12, Team USA has lost the past four games to Canada in its pre-Olympic warm-up.

A 2-1 overtime loss to Canada at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, on Dec. 3 was particularly painful because the tying goal was scored by Poulin and the winning goal by Jenner, their Sochi nemeses. And it happened in front of members of the 1998 USA Olympic team, who were honored between periods for the United States’ only gold medal.

Afterward, Stauber said, "For us, it’s not necessarily about the 20 years, but more about, ‘It’s time.’ We’ve got to bring home a gold medal. We’ve got a pretty good vision. We’re sticking with it, and we like our direction."

That direction included the addition of three players since Irma: defenders Cayla Barnes and Sidney Morin and forward Haley Skarupa. When the final roster was named after the second period of the Winter Classic at Citi Field on Jan. 1, veterans Bellamy, Duggan, Knight, Monique Lamoureux-Morando, Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson and Gigi Marvin were on it, but forward Alex Carpenter, Team USA’s leading scorer in Sochi, and defender Megan Bozek were not — leading some to speculate that they did not buy into Stauber’s system.

Stauber stresses a controlled possession game that sometimes takes the puck back into the neutral zone. As for the lack of a female coach, he does rely on his veterans to help the younger players. Bellamy has been working with the 18-year-old Barnes, who had been getting ready to play for Boston College when she was asked to report to Wesley Chapel. "She’s wise beyond her years," says Bellamy. "Very poised … she’s just wonderful to have around the locker room."

While the recent results against Canada have been disappointing, it’s worth keeping in mind that in the American men’s last exhibition game with the Soviet Union before the 1980 "Miracle on Ice" game, Team USA was crushed 10-3.

In Pyeongchang, both archrivals beat Finland and the Russians in the first two games of Group A play — though there was some hand-wringing as the U.S. got off to slow starts in the first period of both games. It was Bellamy who broke the ice at 8:02 of the first period of the victory over the Russians, stepping into the attack off a pass from Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson and firing a seeing-eye shot past Russian goalie Valeria Tarakanova. Team USA then put the game away in the second period, thanks to a more aggressive mindset and two goals by Lamoureux-Davidson within six seconds — an Olympic record.

By winning those first two prelims, Canada and Team USA assured themselves of a place in the semifinals, meaning that their game tomorrow means nothing… and their next one everything.

"We’re starting with a clean slate in South Korea," says Bellamy. "This time will be different."

Or, as she once wrote:

Mistakes lead to success

Errors lead to victory

Pride leads to gold

Senior writer for ESPN.com and ESPN The Magazine Around long enough to have written about athletes from Hank Aaron to Ben Zobrist and Super Bowls from VII to XLVI. Joined ESPN The Magazine as a founding editor in 1998. Also wrote for Time, Sports Illustrated, the Fort Lauderdale News and The Evening Sun in Norwich, NY.

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Read full post at: http://www.ansyr.com/the-u-s-womens-hockey-team-hasnt-won-gold-since-1998-will-the-spell-be-broken-in-pyeongchang/

[forkergirl]

  There is only one Thing sustaining me through this mess, My Thing. And he knows this; I don’t know what I would do without him; I really don’t.  

  He is not  a rich mean, but only the best , man I know for everything , especially me.  And I have only my favorite picture in the world to show “Us” together  in our “US-ness, and I must insert that photo here, for it represents  everything I have dreamed of; he really is the man of my dreams, and I am so glad he exists.  \

  You know what helps me get through this mess, just knowing that he exists, that he is part of my world.

  This is the best moment  of my Life!

        and, of course, “No One in  the World”

    I can’t forget the Rapture:

  Dear Dr. Chaudhary,

I am sure that you recall the surgery you performed on me in July 2011, the surgery that saved my life—I always thank you, and the University of Michigan demands  that I repay all the money they overpaid me.  The SSDI department acknowledges that this is their mistake.  They do not celebrate my most unusual survival but expect  me to repay every penny that why overpaid me.  Their own mistake.   I attach documents received from this very university.  

If you would not mind lending me me some support, I would greatly appreciate it.  It is nearly 2018, and they are hounding me even more.Perhaps I will have to send these documents to the Attorney General of Michigan, but I would like to have support form you before I gather the these documents to send.  I would like have a document from you amount what I send.   Being from 2011, this incident is very old. I will begin 2018 tying to eliminate, finally, and and for all, this incident from 2011.  

  This is what I have including some  photos of how I was,

July 2011

July 2011

July 2011

July 2011

July 2011

July 2011

and the move of my rover when I had to learn to walk again and talk again:

and you should still have the poem, “Aneurysm of the Firmament” that I wrote with my best friend. And this became the title poem of an entire chapbook we wrote together.  The Cover is attached, and he rest of the content. This is an ebook available only on Amazon  

and via  my Amazon author page

copyright © 2017 by Thylias Moss. Published by arrangement with the author.  All rights reserved.

  a small gathering of poems in response to many things when the sky ruptured! (mostly through responses to writings of Thomas Higginson and Tardis Universes: the day I became a Whovian again)Thylias Moss ANEURYSM OF FIRMAMENT  Piñata sky broken, ruptured! –what stick hit it?  — what cosmic event cracked it open?  (–good thing it did!–) –comets and more rain of treats light itself showers down BRIGHT beltsropes a boxing match light swirls into poles & other delights –such RUPTURE my brain the sun in the solar system I amRUPTURED! solar flaressolar winds & even more!the sun becomes a red giant,& I direct traffic!from the center of Botticelli’s paintingthe birth of brown Venus, sheer sparkling gauze over me as Gallifrey burnsBuckwheat’s hair on fire–fountains of luminous combustion!13 Doctors healthis blazing epidemiceach regeneration of the Doctor has himproduce spiky burning armsfountains of illuminated spikeseach a protrusion from the head  of a hijacked Cameroonian stink ant! sparklers                                                                                                pinwheels kaboom, kaboom, kaboom moreandmoreDaleksfall no rupture, and no light!something has to break!Part 3comets have to fall, and fall hard, into Midnight Sun, 1961 Twilight Zone  –optical illusion dimensions –sun enlarges and enlargesimminent end of Earth. At last… Poor Norma… Last one left in apartment building –blood is boiling –rupture is about to happen –I will bleed again, a crazed menstrual  cycle (Norma was dreaming, sick and feverish –escaped the chill really going on –either way, Earth in atypical orbit):–post-menopausal now, so this blood comes from my head:this is the way the world endsall condemned by existencelightning illuminating those veins in the ceiling that is firmamentGallifrey all lightning; seems to exist only when there’s hocus pocus of fire … but this time, Gallifrey is saved, by Time Lords, who? Doctors, that’s who! all combining their strength, like streaks of light, deep freeze on Gallifrey, Gallifrey home! –there is no other!–light of battle breaks out –planet is surrounded by belts of illumination! –the brain that this salvation is breaks –writing is on the wall –that none of them want:NO MORE!  NO MORE! left with guilt of responsibility of billions of deathsGallifrey protected by ice, cold but just as brilliant, scintillates away and away and awayThe most splendid rupture ever! Bring on  rupturing aneurysms! –changed my life, just as they should!Shake up this firmament! -shake it to the east, shake it to the west, shake it to the one you love the best.Frozen with Gallifrey is also hope! –hope that sparkles down transfiguredlands in tea cups… a sweet prescription, full of inspiration, hope of inspiration and inspired healing! –sweetened by rays of light, spikes of rapturous (freebie) aneurysm, bulging veins, like thermometer bulb about to pop;healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure:Hello again, Norma: welcome to Midnight Sun salvation:my aneurysms, one repaired, and the other: ready to blowsky high(part 3a)Poor Amybroke, ruptured 23 July 2011 –crackedsame day one of my own cranial aneurysms ruptured, broke in (that burglar)my head… repaired! –I have the beautiful scars, staple holes, unintentional scarification; hair grown wild around them, cleats werestationed there. one more aneurysm: timebomb!  ticktock ticktock, ticktock hickory dickory dock :Hickory, dickory, dock.The mouse ran up the clock.The clock struck one gleaming, glistening  aneurysmrhythms of light;and then there was, you knowhow it is, how it’s always been, howit will bethe brilliant repetitionsky highGallifrey falls no more–

  in response to: “If you See something, Say something”                          –Thomas Higginson       “If you See something, Say SomethingBanana”                      white shadowcrescent moonWax (ing)Wax bananaWax grapes, applesin bowlsOn my mother’s dining room tablelunchkitchen sinkI see this alsomy father washing dishesscalding waterhis skindown the drainplates clean, heavenly,full of banana water spotswe eat the shadows.two of whichare my father’sdiseased lungsyet I float on cloudsinto such a clean, pure kingdomthat nothing else mattersjust a banana which I eat the moment I arrive.Buddhain suds.NAKED NIGHT: a eulogy  (Thomas Higginson: STOP 3 with:           italic origami by Thylias Moss)Not trying to impose, just trying to build structure, form, recipe for holding, folding holdstogether: we’re made of this –is that not a purpose of bones inside: give shape to this, bones even buried inside the planet, treasure,  pre-history and present becoming “now”, elusive “now” elephants in  rooms, closets, “protected avenues” –must plow right through, forceof Indian elephants, never forgettingorigami of whywe’re here: “you and I for-ever pur-pose of purpose maybe is foldingbuilding structure, training wheels for elephants who must sink and swimKronos armies, TV sets with legs on the Mexican beach (made in Mexico, you know) — the ghost sea is so great, origami ocean, crumples and wrinkles like skin ofelephants poached ivory, white as ghosts, Caspar –they cannot survivepur-pose for-everTo set in motion the secret boat so small, canbarely cut can barely poach (now you’re cookingwith gaschambers, now the alchemy)barely cut, dice and chopthe wave, wave me down, flag me down, I need some helpthis flat tire: get me to the church in time.The way is pretty durn milky universe, Kronos: destroyer of the universe, Shiva’shalf-brother, half sister, only half (circus freak) eats power stations, eats swords nuclear energy, appetite not deterred by radiation, prefersglowing food: the better to see it, better to taste itswallowed a journey throughglowing throat, such illumination; how beautifuldeath is when mandatorypur-poseIf you know what I’m saying –can’t be late for my own salvationin the darkpraying the Breton Fisherman’s prayer, fisherof men, half and 3/5ths, not choosy; they come from “Fisher Street”laundry hanging in the backyards, alleys,lynched men hanging cleanFels Naptha, water hot enough to dissolve skin”float on, chug on, chug, chug, chug… dark holesof memory dissolve into anothermeltdown, why not meltup sometimes?touch hems of angels? –unless they dissolve from justthe touch of dirt?lake of crocodile tearsfrom elephant eyes, such mergers: meaning of eulogy, thickcoming together just to come apart:gallons and gallons of bleach…enough to abort everyone, those old ways, tried and truepur-posecontamination of all water, evencrocodile tearsbible tells me so true blue, true mootill the cows come home – reactor corebreakdown pur-pose into cowing, kowtowing–those industrial farms where cows don’t know what it means to be cows, kowtowsjust elephants in these squeezed rooms, moo-ing and everything milked, Cause I don’t you maySing this one back to me –I sing back bones, structure, skin of these things dissolving, slipping away…elephants in the room dissolving into shadows, holes, Bonnie Raitt’s music to dissolve to, to technicolor to: “I Can’t Make You love me, only dissipate, tractor away, tractor back, trapeze effects all –house of trapeze, curtain rods, fuel rods in nuclear power plants, hungry Kronos on the rampage

–can’t make you love him –just like a man of pur-pose, scattering his power everywhere, meltdown after meltdown, pur-pose floats, black rain, mere Ivory soap, but this is dirty, pure dirty floating bombs, new Moses-types in baskets…–we build structure; as if that’s enough to hold everything together, sound of motor, motor-song, little speedboat, hurry, hurry the message, in case it’s all praise –not enough pur-pose for that anymore        “The poem that floats                    Its message across                     The land that recedes  –like memories, elephantized          memories                  To the stars themselves  glowing hot nuclear meltdown cores of                  The recipients” contaminated hothouses!” –hot in here!                            The poem curves a line to you –wormhole of 97 realities                   Floats a word back   That’s the way we rock the world : jazzy funeral dying 97 elephant trumpetspur-poses (these like dolphins, elephants of the see pur-poses To sleep. In the naked night,The ocean wears a hat — hat; I wear  your hat of fallout pur-pose too: 97th shadow of  97th elephant in the room:”I know I cannot live without you”so I don’t live; just dissolve and exist that way, 97 puddles singing giving everything back: reflection after reflection after reflectionof endless depth, a tophatto top off everything, make itpurty… purty, purty…contaminated, pur-ty pur-poseis as pur-ty does.Shadow Cycle: Shadow dance shadow dancer shadow kiss master shadow of ornette shadow sister mister shadow dark fraught fragile shadow canopy shadow of all power ambiguous shower shadow do be it you shadow in the moon shadow of eclipse shadow lips lapse shadow down shadow of shadow’s shadow Tap-dancing Response: Tap-dancing shadow tears inside always inside perpetuity ornette shadow lengthens connecting to so many other shadows so shadowy that there’s nothing but shadow to link everything linkable what is casting it ornette shadow so powerful that it casts most of existence balanced on a compassionate tear inside tear inside shadow tapdancing to get to them all, a hop here, a jump there, 5:01, a second of tapdance salute to irregularity of tears as dark as a shadow shadow of a tear falling falling rolling down shadow’s shadow inside a tear.Extended:Shadow tether, shadow lifeline, shadow attached, shadow traveling, shadow dropping, weight of shadow, shadow home eclipsed by shadow wanderer itinerant shadow adjusting fitting, shadow accommodating, shadow of world shadow drowning, shadow rescued, ornette shadow stretching, electric shadow, boomerang shadow inside boomerang tear, shadow going nowhere another shadow, shadow, shadow knows Caspar friendly ghost shadow just as dark, maybe not as long yet as ornette shadow, shadow sound, walking, walking, walking lips around a horn shadow lips shadow horn shadow sound shadow echoes, shadow echoes, walking the line…Lengthening Shadow Detached:Now the shadow slips loose of its tether; detached, seeking its own venture, separate from ornette yet still on journeys, lengthening into an infinty, black as all good nite, Caspar friendly ghost shadow even better friendly  because of the split, multidirections, one of which leans towards sunshine, black sun, one tornadic, spinning, restless, friendly or not, ornette shadow or not, loose, loose that man and let him go, let him run free, run for his life, for every life, run prairie in darkness, sundial shadow, shadow time, hammer time, slip knot, curly shadow, curls of good nite, lurk, prey prays the shadow loose….Detached onthego Comets:Mix match Ukraine swatch batch mystry mischief art part never partsIllumination would be ill could be illest to the fullestMinistrations banister falling devoid of grit and gathered hem for paucity touch tough gone and back clippercomets have to fall, and forth.Alternative Ballast Ballet:Chernobyl shadows even sky, last hope of mischief power plants art of planting power, Pripyat breakfast of champion hems and has, fringe, rough edges woodpeckers, beaks touch remnants of doors,  rush, stuck, xylophone methods, alternative ballast balletA First Response (there may be others) poem to Thomas Higginson’s poem: “How to Wake Up””How To Wake Up1. Go to sleep”2. Don’t die! –3. Hire an exorcist, root worker, witch doctor, gypsy, conjure person, hoodoo woman, also my local rocket scientess who blasts away all evidence of doubt4. Easier said than done, so much keeping me awakepillow under my headsleep mask –red one–bull!bulls charging the muletaover my eyesand now I see stars, red giants, and all otherhatseven better…So much glowing, so muchtickling of lifeAs soon as possibleall that caffeinehas other ideas…2:00 amI’m still awake!with my learner’s permit!I play an album of lullabiesbut I’m really listeningand really listeningkeeps me awake.I’m really touchingthe sheets, thinkingwhat a sarong5. for the Java man missing links6. sleep itselffor the Java man I have in the makingrememberingmy old singer sewing machine–never fell asleep on it, Tabanga nearbythat 1957 movie, “From Hell It Came”what my father and I called “tree monster” –not once falling asleep…5. certainly not in college6. where those all-nighters7. seemed to make differences8. passed those tests anyway.9. somehow10. screaming and screaming 11. of course12. Remembering and even becoming13. Frankenstein’s best monster:14. “I’m alive, I’m alive!”15. “Dough rises for meno matter how I treat it, how I punch it.Loaves line the counter like closed coffins,Something I never want is to wake from a long sleephungry” (chicken in)SIONON EPOCHpart 1great word of honorthy  motherwith Popeye’s chickendelivered by wise persons300 miles away,  only onesable to get exact Popeye’s mama wantslove those biscuits!   –like mama  used to makein her dreamsalthough extremeinsulin dependent diabetes, hyper-tension thyroid so out of control  as ifshe no longer has onepoor baby poor baby no matter how old one becomes stillsomebody’s baby(though no longer a dreambaby)Dreams have not stopped, butno longer baby dreams –these dreamshave maturedas Popeye Doyle detectives, break dream rules,whatever’s necessary to catch drug smugglersdrunken Popeye’s chickentastes even betterand even fights  God, a Cerullo godsomehow better than any other god          cabinets of medicinediscarded, uselessprescriptions, a real Goddoesn’t need themyet everyone, dreaming or who stops relying on power of medicineto heal and stave offeffects of aneurysms and much worsediesome same night that Amy Winehouse goes back to blackbabies, no 

ut think aboutis Jesus, dream man Jesus, three days in the tomb of impossibledreams, even the dream of dying someday, wet feetand all, cans of spinachin the store (aisles) frontof Towels from old boxes of Breeze detergentlaid downby none else than Jesus look out for wolves,the taste they have for succulent little lambsso willingto lay down at dream feetthat can walk on the lake of firethat burns even better when it’s cold, as crystals forma dream of my hand, heel as pure crystalsdream crystalcrystallizing 61 crystals so farcandles on a cakemy frozen feet seem to have flakes from Popeye’s”fried chicken all over them,roughest skin on my body–no one dreams of that;not dream-worthy skin at allgeometries of these crystals, each a stegosaurus plate

  –

  -nosí o no?Siononstory of a dream kitchen with stegosaurus plates fine china–always yes to that, Popeyeson the sideburning, burning, burningupand burning downperfect, perfect burning….wisdom God gave me in a dream of giving me wisdomwise enoughto only dream only thatwhile Jesus laid her downwith wolves in Lake of Fire Amusement Park, Part 3:Little Pigshouse of straw, dream house of sticksbad dreams?síLittle Pig, Little Pig, a trinity of us, you knowwhat that means, Jesus will lay you down right at my feet,I just need something to eatfun times allLet me in,not by the hair of my chinny chin chinI’ll huff and I’ll puff thenbetter than any vacuumcleaner, till those houses come downwolf is still a windbag dream (coming true)when he goes to the third Pig’s dream houseof brickswasted, completely wasted huffing and puffing climbs down the chimney, inventsa form of Santa, Wolf in red suit from embers scrapinghis Frank Lucas-style fur coatthat he doesn’t have to removeto enter cauldron of boiling waterlid on untilBig Bad soup is as ready as a dream can ever be                  

  Waking up againFirmament is still there.Sky is still there.(sorry Chicken Little sky fell up)Up isstill thereEven in the southern hemi-sphereupis still theresame up that I have (UPS is still there)Looking up 

The bills from the University of Michigan  itself:

    Notice that payment for $100.00 –courtesy my Thing, but this by far not the only reason.  He and I have been connected for 30 years, and like any other connection enduring so long,  we have experience every emotion possible to  experience,  we have experienced, but we areaways together aaa=again, that palpable instant chemistry.  I could say more

  In your case, although retired, the obligation remained for you to follow through with your SSDI claim until a decision was rendered in order for us to properly calculate your past benefit entitlements under the UM LTD Plan.In addition to the reimbursement agreement you signed on 11/21/2013, you acknowledged, upon retirement and in writing, your responsibility to repay the LTD Plan if approved for SSDI. From January 2014 through January 2016, there were also numerous email communications and correspondence via U.S. mail to keep you informed of this responsibility.In January 2016, the Benefits Office learned of your approval for SSDI benefits – A closed period award beginning 3/1/2014 through 5/1/2015. As indicated in your SSDI Notice of Award letter, Social Security calculated your benefits due for this period as $36,276. However, they subtracted $6,000 to pay your attorney. Therefore, you received a lump sum payment from Social Security for $30,276.YOUR OVERPAYMENT & REPAYMENT TO THE UM LTD PLAN: A complete analysis of your UM LTD income payment history in combination with your monthly SSDI benefit reflects that you have been overpaid by the LTD Plan in the gross amount of $33,628 from 3/1/2014 through 4/30/2015. You may refer to the enclosed worksheet to see how this amount was calculated.Because you retained an attorney to pursue SSDI benefits, the UM LTD Plan will offset your gross overpayment by the amount that Social Security withheld from your lump sum SSDI award. In your case, Social Security deducted $6,000 out of your lump sum award to pay your attorney.The gross overpayment amount indicated above may be further reduced in your favor to offset for tax adjustments. The tax adjustment analysis to determine the net repayment amount is completed by the Payroll Office.In summary, you have been overpaid in the net amount of $27,292.56 as previously indicated in the letter dated 1/25/2016 from the Benefits Office. While the UM LTD Plan provisions state that lump sum repayments must be made within 30 days, we understand extenuating circumstances arise.Therefore, we can offer the following repayment options, which provide some flexibility, but also remain consistent with the LTD Plan provisions and what other LTD Participants have been provided.Repayment Option #1: Repay the amount owed to the university in one lump sum. In this case, you would have to repay $27,292.56. This amount can be honored as long as you repay the UM LTD Plan in lump sum by 12/1/2016.– OR –Repayment Option #2: Repay the full, gross amount owed to the UM LTD Plan over a 24-month period. In this case, you would have to submit monthly payments of $1,401.17 for 24 consecutive months resulting in a total repayment of $33,628 to the UM LTD Plan. By choosing this option, you will forfeit your right to receive the $6,000 credit for your attorney fees and applicable tax adjustments. We request your first monthly payment be made to the Benefits Office by 3/31/2016.You may make your lump sum payment by check, or your first monthly payment by check, payable to The University of Michigan. In the memo field of your check, please note “LTD Plan Repayment” and include your UMID number.Thank you in advance for your prompt response and attention to this matter. We ask you or your attorney to please confirm your selected repayment option via email to LTDbenefits@umich.edu. You may also use the enclosed pre-addressed envelope to confirm your repayment option and/or submit your LTD repayment.Sincerely,Meaghan HaasBenefits Manager, Long-Term Disability Program cc: William Crawforth—————I offer the entire content of the chapbook, “Aneurysm of the Firmament ” here, for saale on Amazon an an e-book here:                        ANEURYSM OF THE FIRMAMENTa small gathering of poems in response to many things when the sky ruptured! (mostly through responses to writings of Thomas Higginson and Tardis Universes: the day I became a Whovian again)Thylias Moss ANEURYSM OF FIRMAMENT  Piñata sky broken, ruptured! –what stick hit it?  — what cosmic event cracked it open?  (–good thing it did!–) –comets and more rain of treats light itself showers down BRIGHT beltsropes a boxing match light swirls into poles & other delights –such RUPTUREmy brain the sun in the solar system I amRUPTURED! solar flaressolar winds & even more!the sun becomes a red giant,& I direct traffic!from the center of Botticelli’s paintingthe birth of brown Venus, sheer sparkling gauze over me as Gallifrey burnsBuckwheat’s hair on fire–fountains of luminous combustion!13 Doctors healthis blazing epidemiceach regeneration of the Doctor has himproduce spiky burning armsfountains of illuminated spikeseach a protrusion from the head  of a hijacked Cameroonian stink ant! sparklers                                                                                                  pinwheels kaboom, kaboom, kaboom moreandmoreDaleksfall no rupture, and no light!something has to break!Part 3comets have to fall, and fall hard, into Midnight Sun, 1961 Twilight Zone  –optical illusion dimensions –sun enlarges and enlargesimminent end of Earth. At last… Poor Norma… Last one left in apartment building –blood is boiling –rupture is about to happen –I will bleed again, a crazed menstrual  cycle (Norma was dreaming, sick and feverish –escaped the chill really going on –either way, Earth in atypical orbit):–post-menopausal now, so this blood comes from my head:this is the way the world endsall condemned by existencelightning illuminating those veins in the ceiling that is firmamentGallifrey all lightning; seems to exist only when there’s hocus pocus of fire … but this time, Gallifrey is saved, by Time Lords, who? Doctors, that’s who! all combining their strength, like streaks of light, deep freeze on Gallifrey, Gallifrey home! –there is no other!–light of battle breaks out –planet is surrounded by belts of illumination! –the brain that this salvation is breaks –writing is on the wall –that none of them want:NO MORE!  NO MORE! left with guilt of responsibility of billions of deathsGallifrey protected by ice, cold but just as brilliant, scintillates away and away and awayThe most splendid rupture ever! Bring on  rupturing aneurysms! –changed my life, just as they should!Shake up this firmament! -shake it to the east, shake it to the west, shake it to the one you love the best.Frozen with Gallifrey is also hope! –hope that sparkles down transfiguredlands in tea cups… a sweet prescription, full of inspiration, hope of inspiration and inspired healing! –sweetened by rays of light, spikes of rapturous (freebie) aneurysm, bulging veins, like thermometer bulb about to pop;healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure-healing-cure:Hello again, Norma: welcome to Midnight Sun salvation:my aneurysms, one repaired, and the other: ready to blowsky high(part 3a)Poor Amybroke, ruptured 23 July 2011 –crackedsame day one of my own cranial aneurysms ruptured, broke in (that burglar)my head… repaired! –I have the beautiful scars, staple holes, unintentional scarification; hair grown wild around them, cleats werestationed there. one more aneurysm: timebomb!  ticktock ticktock, ticktock hickory dickory dock :Hickory, dickory, dock.The mouse ran up the clock.”

  I DID NOT OVERPAY MYSELF!

  I WAS DYING IN A HOSPITAL! HOW DARE THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN EXPECT ME TO PAY THEM BACK IN FULL FOR THEIR OWN  MISTAKE! 

  Dr. Neeraj Chaudhary saved my life! It would have been better for the University if I had died, as I told Meaghan Hass, and Stacy Orban, of theUniversity’s Long-Term Disability which I refused to accept any more of once I was released on 9 October 2011

  I did the right thing, but so what?

    SSDI Debacle There is only one Thing sustaining me through this mess, My Thing. And he knows this; I don't know what I would do without him; I really don't.