#I wrote an even longer paragraph but it got too personal so I deleted it

[skyeconch]

it took me years to realize that some people married each other not because they loved each other, but because they feel comfortable around each other. Like they don’t need to search for their true soulmate, the one that gets them. They just settled with someone and make it work?? And they don’t even like each other, or close in any way??

[dukeofankh]

Trying to find progressive masculine community is so exhausting.

I've flipped through local men's groups, trying to find places to explore masculinity in a chill, progressive setting. First of all, they mostly seem to be modelled after AA, and like, my gender isn't a debilitating addiction, it's part of my identity actually, but also, the invite and description of the event have maybe a short paragraph tops actually waving vaguely in the direction of what the purpose of the group is, and then ten to twenty paragraphs breaking down the rules. One spent longer talking about the hand signals he would use to direct conversation than he did describing what the conversation would be about. Another had a full paragraph explaining that if the group thought you were evading what they thought your "real" problem was, they'd probably "call you to take accountability". Like...I don't even know who these people are yet and they're already letting me know that they view it as their right, no, their duty, to bully me into seeing things their way. Like, this is in the invite.

...and this warning is there instead of any sort of breakdown of like, I dunno. Whether you should be a feminist to show up. Whether it was a safe space for queer men. What the hell they wanted to talk about. Joining a men's space is on some level inherently submitting yourself to the authority of the leaders of that group, and you don't usually get a particularly clear breakdown of what the values and goals of those leaders are, because on some level the answer is always going to be "whatever I want"

And like, unfortunately you do need to filter men to build a men's space. You do need to remove or chastise men who act in ways that are toxic or disruptive or misogynistic. If you don't things turn into an MRA chapter pretty quick. But the sort of emergency powers that leadership takes on as a result of that...just kind of naturally end up reproducing masculine heirarchies.

MensLib, the only online community of progressive dudes talking about masculinity that I'm aware of, is...on Reddit. So there is a moderator system. In theory, a moderator is there to...moderate. This is a space where people are going to be talking, and mods are there to make sure things don't get too toxic or off topic.

The issue is that, on some level, that is technically a leadership position. In a sub trying to rehabilitate masculinity. So you've got a bunch of folks who view themselves as the leaders of this bastion of goodness standing against the depredations of the misogynistic internet, guiding the hapless smooth-brain neophytes towards The True Way.

In practice, this looks like 95 percent of the posts submitted for the subreddit being rejected. That isn't hyperbole. On average, the sub has about one new post per day. Almost all posts directly relating a personal experience are deleted immediately, in favour of articles written about masculinity in traditional media publications, which are considered more trustworthy than the sus lived experiences of the guys in the sub. The post I wrote here about the effect of purity culture on male sexual shame that's sitting at about 15K notes was based on a 10K word post I wrote for Reddit that was deleted because "I didn't cite any sources to prove that there is a link between purity culture and male sexual shame, or that my experience was anything more than anecdotal". I get comments deleted on a regular basis, and after paragraphs of protesting in modmail that my comments are both fully in line with feminism and not against the rules, the mods have just finally told me that the rules don't actually drive their actions as a team. They delete anything they feel leads the conversation in a direction they personally feel is unproductive. The rule cited at the time of deletion is really just the broad category of why they decided to hit the button that says nobody is allowed to read what I wrote.

The issue is kind of twofold. First of all, progressive men do not trust other men. A good dude knows that he, individually, is a good person, but literally any other man external to him is on thin ice. Do you really want to tie your wagon to that guy? Do you trust him, really? How do you tell the difference between a guy criticizing an article because it's factually incorrect and criticising it because a woman wrote it? Probably best to play it safe and delete it. Weight of the odds, he's probably a misogynist, right? This is the internet.

And thats the other half of it. If you view yourself as part of the leadership of The Good Guys, and you're getting hatemail from incels and facists all day, you get to the point where most of the time people challenge your authority it's because they're a terrible person. It is very, very easy to get to the point where someone challenging you is seen as evidence that they are a bad person. And now someone is challenging you (and therefore bad), in an environment where you are in charge, and you have a "make your opponent disappear" button.

I know. A Reddit mod was rude to me and now I'm butthurt. It's petty and stupid. I'm just feeling like there's nowhere else to really go, and I'm pretty despondent that literally every space I've seen that even looks like it might be for progressive men has the same deeply hierarchical structure and constant status-oriented squabbling as patriarchal spaces.

[bleachbleachbleach]

2/24 - 3/2/2024

For the last couple months, I've been working my way through Pravesh Bhardwaj's favorite short stories of 2023, and not enjoying a lot of them. Maybe Bhardwaj and I just have different taste, but I kept thinking to myself, "so what? why did we just spend this time with these characters?" or, alternately, grating at the "reveals," because I kept receiving them as weirdly trite. Trite in ways that I guess I don't associate with contemporary fiction. Like, ohhh he killed the friend for drugs! or She was in a mental hospital! Like, what is this, an episode of Law and Order?

But there is also a voice inside me that's like, I think you're reading these uncharitably, because these writers aren't stupid and don't seem like the type to condescend to the sensational and probably aren't actually doing that. Maybe it's YOUR brain failing to read for nuance. And in the case of "spending time with these characters," I was like, what am I wanting, exactly? A plot? A thesis? The former doesn't sound like me; I almost never read anything for the plot. As for theses, maybe?? But it's not like I wanted some heavy-handed symbol or Meaning-Laden Scene to come bursting through the door like the Kool-Aid Man. I like reading things that are just studies of a character's life. "People sitting around" is my favorite genre. I still felt like I kept coming up short after reading them, though, like, is that it? Is there no meaning to this? (Am I blind to the meaning? Am I blinding myself because I'm imposing some rigid set of expectations or "shoulds" onto things instead of reading openly and with some semblance of intelligence?)

I thought maybe I just don't want a short story right now, and need something longer. I really enjoyed the novella Make it Black by Andre Dubus III, which really is just a lady sitting with people and driving around. But even then, toward the end I felt like the meaning got a little too pointed, even though I've been grumbling this whole time about the ~meaning of it all not being pointed enough.

But then I was like, oh, lmao, you know what all of this actually sounds like? I'M PROBABLY JUST DEPRESSED AND BURNT OUT. (Cue realization hitting as though these things haven't been true for years, albeit manifested in ways other than these very specific ruminations on short stories.)

Writing-wise, I can only hope that what I am writing is also secretly good, like those short stories probably are. I didn't write very much this week, though I read the aforementioned Make it Black, and Chapters 86-88 of Bleach. I did write for a couple hours yesterday, which was a decent enough time. I found myself wanting to write a lot this week, and then not doing it. In addition to my generally just being a wet husk of a person, this week has been acutely sad. My sister had to put her dog to sleep on Sunday, so this week I've spent most of my free time energy being sporadically weepy about that and trying to send my sister long-distance love. It's one of those things where I was like, god, I really want to write, because I want to process this grief through fanfic. But after going to job-work and doing the laborious work of Being Sad, I was just like, I am too exhausted to do anything else, I barely did THOSE things.

I was struggling to remember what, exactly, I wrote yesterday--because it continues to be drop-in scenes in the Hisagi chapter--but it looks like it was some overwrought Hisagi thoughts about Matsumoto I'll probably delete, some Hitsugaya paragraphs that took 19 years to write apiece, some jinzen lore, and this exchange between Hisagi and Rukia:

“We’re not going anywhere. No one’s going anywhere. Just rest,” Hisagi says. How he manages to make the truth sound so unconvincing is beyond him. There’s an unbridled terror in her eyes that Hisagi does not know how to handle. The 4th makes it look so easy.

Kuchiki locks onto Hisagi. Maybe she can see his terror, too. He watches as hers closes itself behind an impassive mask, eyes hardening into dark stones. She, too, makes it look easy, though the green tinge to her cheeks and the new beads of sweat at her brow, already weeping down her temples, betray her.

“The thing I did with the hell butterfly. That’s what you’re feeling. It should help. It will help.” Hisagi tries to sound as reassuring as possible.

Kuchiki looks less than reassured, though more put out by the notion than terrified by it. So there’s that.

"In the Living World, Kurosaki Isshin is a human doctor. But I also saw him successfully operate on a dog once," Kuchiki informs him. “He was very good at it. Even so, I don’t know that I would expect a dog doctor to operate on a human.”

It’s unclear whether the statement is encouragement or insult, but Hisagi has published enough Kuchiki poetry to know that it is likely intended as both.

“Akon handled the actual surgery,” Hisagi offers.

This Kuchiki cannot be won over. “Perhaps it would suffice if it were Ichigo. If Ichigo needed the operation, I mean. He’s very good at that.”

“At... being a dog?”

“At enduring what he’s given.”

[to-be-a-dreamer]

🥚

Yes. Yes, I do have an inbox full of asks from the game the other day. However, why would I be a normal person and answer them when I could finish this response from literally ten months ago? (Other than this paragraph and the bit near the end, everything here was written back in June. I cannot even begin to tell you why it never got finished but enjoy I guess)

Okay, perfect so let me tell you guys about a little story called Pearchwood Hollow! It was a mystery/horror original story I wrote in 2019 that I repurposed into a Newsies AU. Obligatory "I have a very loose mental roadmap of how this plot goes at best, and nothing but general vibes and random scenes in mind at worst". This AU is an absolute mess and I have no idea how at least 50% of it goes, which is the exact reason it has never seen the light of day. You can read the concept chapter I wrote if you want; it's not that great but it'll help you get an idea of what this is going to be. (Don't bully me for the characters' names I was 16 and thought I was being quirky) It's formatted kinda weirdly because of the application it was originally written on but luckily I saved a copy to my computer after I deleted the original file.

Anyways, the basic idea:

It's a small town au and our main character is Davey Jacobs, an 18-year-old high school graduate/rising college freshman who lives with his parents and brother, is best friends with Charlie Morris-Larkin and Katherine Pulitzer, and was dating Jack Kelly-Larkin for most of high school. Jack and Charlie are brothers and Charlie is older by like four months because I said so. Davey and Jack broke up a few weeks after graduation because they made plans to go to colleges on opposite sides of the country. They're still friends and it's totally not awkward at all. Nope. Besties for life, those two.

Anywho, if you read the chapter I linked, you already know the mystery that's being set up, but just as a little TLDR: the town Davey and the gang live in is completely and totally normal. Really, it is. (this is not me being sarcastic again, it really is just a regular, boring town in middle-of-nowhere New York)

THE TOWN RIGHT NEXT TO THEM, HOWEVER-

It's called Pearchwood Hollow and it seems perfect, almost too perfect. Davey's been there a few times and everyone he met was super friendly and helpful. The lady at the gas station gave him a free candy bar, the mechanic who helped them out when they got stuck on the side of the road taught Davey how to change a flat tire, and the nice old couple who own the local sandwich shop snuck an extra cookie in his bag. It's a perfect town, full of perfect people who live in perfect houses and go to perfect schools and play in perfect parks and have perfect everything lives.

So why does every single person within a 100-mile radius know the exact same rule: Never, under any circumstances, stay in Pearchwood Hollow overnight

Davey liked to think his parents trusted him. He didn't have a curfew because they know he isn't interested in staying out late and getting into trouble. He was allowed to go anywhere in town as long as he gave them a general idea of when he would be home. He had his own job and his parents allowed him to do whatever he wanted with his salary, knowing that he always puts half into his savings account and made sure his phone bill was paid before spending anything on himself.

Yes, Esther and Mayer Jacobs trusted their oldest son, he had never given them any reason not to, after all. But Davey had never in his life gone longer than a week without being strictly reminded "never go to the Hollow".

No one knew where the rule came from, not even the oldest people in town. As far as Davey could tell, the fear of Pearchwood Hollow went back at least six generations and for seemingly no reason. Every once in a while, a couple of local kids would go to the Hollow with the intention of staying the night, but they always chickened out before sunset. No one had ever spent the night except for the people who lived there, all of whom usually laughed off the rumors or seemed genuinely clueless about them.

Davey was curious of course, everyone was, but he figured if so many people were afraid of the Hollow there must be a good reason. He would not be known as the fool who went poking around in places he shouldn't have and ended up becoming the answer to the mystery.

Which brings us to the beginning of the Actual Plot:

The opening scene is Davey packing for college while Les helps him and whines the whole time about being left behind. He's fine, just dramatic. Davey insists that he'll love being the only kid in the house and getting all of their parents' attention. Just in case though, Davey promises to leave his favorite denim jacket for Les to wear while he's gone and Les gives Davey his favorite friendship bracelet that he made at camp.

Anyways, Les has to leave the room for something, and, while Davey's shifting boxes around and trying to figure out how to pack his whole life into one tiny little dorm room, he finds an envelope behind his desk. It's covered in a thin layer of dust, a bit crumpled, still sealed shut, and reads "To Davey" on the front in neat, loopy handwriting.

Of course, he opens it and finds a letter from someone telling him that they've always wanted to know what was wrong with the Hollow. That they couldn't take it anymore and were going to find out what the rumors were about, once and for all. They told Davey they were planning on staying for one hour past sundown and to expect them home before dinner if all went well.

That much was already weird enough, but there were details in the letter than didn't make sense. First of all, there was the fact that Davey doesn't know anyone named "Sarah", and she kept speaking about him, Les, and their parents as if she were close to their family. Extremely close. Then she asked him not to tell Katherine where she'd gone until she got back, again, as if she were close with Davey's best friend. She called him D, an old nickname his family used when he was a little kid. Other small things like that.

Davey is completely and utterly confused, so, naturally, he goes to his two best friends to make them confused with him (one of which is his ex's brother and the other of which is his ex's ex. This is normal.)

Davey, Kath, and Charlie are, individually, incredibly smart individuals, so you would think that between the three of them, they could figure out a reasonable plan of action. However, their first working plan is to just. Go to the Hollow and see what happens. They don't stay overnight, they go during the middle of the day just to see if anything about it has changed since the last time any of them went.

There's a chapter or two of the gang driving around, looking at the old, decrepit town, a far cry from what they all remember. All of the buildings are falling apart and overgrown with plants. The road is full of potholes and cracks and looks as if it hasn't been tended to in decades, maybe even centuries. Davey's pretty sure he doesn't see a single animal in the entire town. It's only been six months since one of them was here, so they have no idea how it looked so bad.

They ask around a bit to try and learn what happened, or even if anyone knows a girl named Sarah, but every person they try to talk to just yells at them to get out before they get "claimed", whatever that means. Even the nice little sandwich shop that Davey remembers has basically crumbled into a giant pile of rubble and the man at the counter glares so harshly as they enter that they turn right around and go back to the car.

It's weird and creepy, nothing like they remember about the Hollow, so they leave a lot sooner than they originally planned. This chapter(s) ends with the three of them encountering Jack on the road out of the Hollow.

He's absolutely furious for a few reasons. First for going to the Hollow without telling anyone (Katherine could have sworn she sent Darcy a text right as they crossed into the town limits). Second for not answering their phones when literally everyone has been trying to find them (Davey couldn't remember his phone going off at all while they were in the Hollow, but when he checks he does in fact have several missed calls and texts from his parents and his friends). Third for turning off their location-sharing so that Medda and Jack couldn't even figure out where Charlie was (Charlie had barely touched his phone all day, but when he pulls it out to prove it, sure enough, his location-sharing is off.) I also think that it's been at least an hour longer than the trio thought, but I'm not sure if they would realize that now.

And so they have no choice but to tell Jack what's going on, to show him the letter and explain their "plan". He understands, he probably would have done the same thing, but he's hurt that they couldn't bother to tell him. He knows that things have been a bit awkward since the breakup but they're still his best friends and Charlie should have had the sense to at least tell his family what he was up to instead of scaring them half to death by practically falling off the face of the earth for four hours.

I have no idea how long this confrontation lasts, but by the end of it everyone has more or less made up, and now Jack is in on the goal to figure out the mystery. I told you there is no plan for this, I barely know what's going on at this point.

Here's the kicker: when Jack asks if they at least learned anything useful on their little field trip, Davey, Kath, and Charlie all say "no". They tell him that everything was just as perfect and idyllic as always, everyone was nice and welcoming and nothing weird was going on. They're not lying. The reader knows all of Davey's thoughts and memories in this moment and, as he recalls them, they are drastically different from what the reader knows to be true.

This is when we discover what the characters won't for a long time: the Hollow affects your memories. As long as you leave before sunset, the memories you made during your time in the Hollow are replaced by new ones. Fake ones. Memories of colorful houses with blossoming front gardens, of cheerful diners and mom-and-pop shops, of friendly townsfolk with genuine smiles and happy lives. Our narrator has forgotten four whole hours of his life and doesn't even realize it. What else don't we know about this story?

Wasn't sure where to add this, but I think something would happen in the Hollow that left a physical mark. Like, the car got scratched, someone skins their knee or gets a small cut on their arm, or someone drops a book in a puddle of water which leaves the ink bleeding and the pages warped. Something physical that can't easily be fixed, but could easily be forgotten for a little while. Jack asks what happened and the trio realizes that none of them knows. It's a big enough mark that they definitely should have noticed as soon as it happened, but none of them did. Or, at least, none of them remember if they did.

Also, at some point, we would meet Finch, Albert, and Spot, three best friends in the grade below our main characters who sometimes just kinda show up and are Also There. If Davey and the gang thought really hard about it, they wouldn't be able to remember where or how they met the three younger kids. And if Finch, Albert, and Spot thought really hard about it, they wouldn't be able to remember where or how they met each other.

Here's where the plot gets a little muddy and I start to lose my grip on the steering wheel. Or maybe my navigation system just shorted out idk it's less of an outline and more of a wishlist after this point:

So our new Buzzfeed Unsolved gang consists of Jack Kelly, his older brother of four months, his ex-girlfriend, and his ex-boyfriend. Someone book them a weekly timeslot on the History Channel.

They eventually decided that the best thing they can do is just research the Hollow and see if they can figure out why there are so many warnings about a seemingly-normal place. They don't find much, people have been searching for answers about the Hollow for over a century and never found anything. Finally, Katherine manages to find one newspaper article from the late 1800s, early 1900s. (It might be a little on-the-nose to say it's from 1899, but that's around the time period, I didn't even do that on purpose). According to the article, there was some kind of tragedy that killed every person in Pearchwood Hollow. I haven't 100% decided what happened, but my top 3 options are: blizzard, massive flood/tropical storm, or mysterious illness. I think I'm leaning towards blizzard just for simplicity's sake, but the illness one would be easy to explain why it didn't affect any of the surrounding towns. It's really not important, all you need to know is that everyone in town died, and the article states that no one has any plans to rebuild or repopulate.

Then the exact same newspaper released another article a week later, talking about a new school opening in Pearchwood Hollow to help with the large population increase over the past few years.

This is when the gang starts to revisit the weird stuff that happened when they went into the Hollow. Their phones seemingly not working, time moving differently, and the physical mark that I mentioned earlier. With this, in addition to the news articles and the letter from Sarah, there's only one logical conclusion to come to: the Hollow affects your memories.

Okay so maybe it's not exactly a logical conclusion and they definitely argue about it for a while, but it's the best explanation anyone has. But if the theory is true, that means there's no way of learning what's going on. Not unless they stay in the Hollow overnight.

Again, I have absolutely how the plot progresses to this, it just Does, alright? So yeah, the gang decides to just stick it out and stay in the Hollow overnight. How do they decide on this? Absolutely no idea but it happens and we're going with it, it's important to the plot.

Now this is really where I have no idea what happens beyond really vague ideas so just bear with me:

The gang goes to the Hollow and it's the same as the last time (the time the reader remembers), the run-down buildings, the horrible roads, the weird townsfolk, everything. Except this time, as soon as the sun sets, it's like a switch flips in everyone's heads and they suddenly remember that this is how Pearchwood Hollow has always been. Every single time, they had had the same awful experience, their memories were just replaced after they left. It's fascinating and terrifying all the same, but they move on to the next part of the plan, which is to find Sarah.

Which they do. Somehow. Don't ask questions, I don't have answers. They find Sarah and, again, a switch flips and suddenly they all remember her. She's Davey's twin sister, Jack's best friend, and Katherine's girlfriend of two years. It's very emotional, very sad, many tears. I'm so good at descriptions.

This is when the pieces all start to fall into place for both the reader and the characters. Sarah left the note for Davey about a week or two before the story started, went into the Hollow, stayed after dark, got trapped, and everyone in the outside world forgot she existed. Every physical and digital trace of her disappeared, except for the letter. As Sarah keeps explaining, they learn dozens, if not hundreds of people get stuck in the Hollow every single year. And then the world just... forgets them. People they knew, people they were friends with, maybe even people they loved. All gone.

Sarah doesn't know why, no one in the Hollow does. They still age and die as normal, so this has been going on for over six generations just like in the outside world. The town is pretty run down after a century of not being able to call for outside help or materials, but they don't really need to sleep or eat or drink like they should, so the lack of safe housing or good food or clean water isn't really a problem. The Hollow is basically a weird little pocket dimension and the people inside are somewhere between dead and alive. They just live out the rest of their lives wandering aimlessly in their odd little prison, making tentative friendships that don't mean all that much, and scaring off any visitors so they don't get trapped as well.

Davey, Katherine, Charlie, and Jack aren't technically stuck yet. They could still leave, but they'd forget everything again. They aren't really trapped until they get "claimed", which, according to Sarah, should be happening any minute so they really needed to get going. They argue this, of course, saying they won't leave without her and she insists that she can't leave, that she's tried and everyone else in Pearchwood has tried, but there's no way out after you get claimed.

They're arguing about this for a few minutes and then they hear a voice calling out from the other room. Asking Sarah who she was talking to. Then the final switch flips and they remember Race. And Davey can't feel any emotion besides horror as the boy freezes in the doorway. This is Jack and Charlie's little brother and, if Davey's memory isn't failing him again, he's been gone for over a year. And all that time, while he was stuck in this horrible limbo, they were just living their lives as if nothing had happened

Okay, so this is where I stopped writing back in June because couldn't think of an ending. We're picking this up about ten months later so apologies if there's any continuity errors after this

For the sake of getting this finished so it doesn't sit in my drafts for another ten months, we're gonna speedrun our way through what is technically the climax of the entire story, just deal with it. In case you haven't noticed I love creating situations for my little guys but I'm so bad at getting them out of said situations

Basically, Pearchwood Hollow is the way that it is because back in 1899, when the whole town was destroyed, there actually was one survivor. It doesn't really matter who it was. Maybe the mayor, maybe a poor farmer, maybe a small child. Who they are isn't important. What's important is that they were scared, lonely, and so very desperate.

Desperation is a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands. It makes you vulnerable.

They made a deal with something. Maybe they thought it was an angel. Maybe they knew it was a demon. Maybe they didn't care either way.

The demon couldn't bring everyone back, but it could bring others in. It promised that if the person could get people to stay in the town just until sunset, the demon would make sure they were never lonely again. It could give them a community, a family again.

Desperation is a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you irrational. It prevents you from remembering all the warnings passed down from generation to generation about reading the fine print before accepting a deal from a demon. They never give you what you think you're asking for in the first draft.

At the time of our story, the original person who made the deal is long dead. But the demon will never break its oath, not as long as there are still people in the Hollow.

Demons gain their power from soul sacrifices. Technically, there's a specific ritual a human must complete of their own volition before the demon can stake their claim, but every rule has a loophole. Willingly entering a demon's earthly domain past nightfall despite warnings to keep away? Close enough to a ritual sacrifice for a demon to claim your soul and keep you trapped for the rest of your life.

Anyways, long story short but Davey and Co meet the demon and somehow don't ask questions Davey convinces it to take only his soul in exchange for letting the rest of his friends go, including Sarah and Race. I'm thinking the reasoning is because souls that are willingly sacrificed by someone who fully and completely understands the meaning of said sacrifice are ten times more powerful than souls that are forcibly stolen using a shaky-at-best loophole.

Desperation is a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you irrational. It makes you impulsive. It tricks you into thinking you've outsmarted your opponent when both of you know the game was over before it even started.

Jack and the others try to talk him out of it. Davey insists that this is the only way and at least most of them should be able to go home. They won't remember him anyways so they won't have to mourn. Before any of the others can try to offer themselves up instead, the demon snaps its fingers and suddenly the reader is sent back to the opening scene.

Davey is in his room packing for college. Sarah comes in to try and steal some of his sweaters to take with her to her own university just two hours away from Davey's. They bicker like all siblings do, like they always have.

They meet Charlie, Katherine, and Jack for lunch at Jacobi's later that day. Sarah greets her girlfriend with a sweet kiss and Davey slips under Jack's arm like it was the only place in the world he belonged. None of them mention the Hollow. The thought of the place doesn't even cross Davey's mind.

Jack leaves early to pick Race up from work, grumbling lightheartedly about how his annoying kid brother should hitch a ride with his friends instead of bugging him all the time. Davey rolls his eyes, knowing his boyfriend is eager to soak up every second left at home with Race before Jack and Davey move across the country to go to college together.

Davey does not find a dusty envelope behind his desk.

Esther and Meyer shed several tears the day they drop Davey and Sarah off at college, mentioning how quiet the house will be with only the two of them living in it

If he thought long and hard about it, Davey wouldn't be able to remember why he left his favorite denim jacket at home.

If anyone asked, Davey wouldn't be able to recall who gave him the handmade friendship bracelet he always had on his wrist.

And if anyone asked, David Jacobs would say he has only one sibling, his twin sister Sarah.

Always read the fine print before making a deal with a demon. They never give you what you think you're asking for.

[cortexreaver]

apparently i wrote this in november i assume i never posted it because 1. it was stupid 2. drafts temporarily ate it thus 3. i forgot. it's probably an unfinished list of half-formed thoughts i dont remember what most of it says anyway end preface start post:

in the approximate month since i first played it ive apparently spent around 218 hours blocking out the horrors with dragon age inquisition at the time of starting to write this post. so heres my review but not really these are just #thoughts about an 8-year-old video game. this got out of control i need it out of my drafts but at this point i dont want to just delete it. longest fucking post ive ever written anywhere under the cut

initial + overall thoughts: i had low expectations and when i started out and the character creator sliders were different and the combat was different and the skill trees were sideways and you couldnt manually distribute your attributes and everything was hd realistic shiny raytrace 4k particle physics like youve never seent hem before and so on and so forth my kneejerk reaction having just played dao: awakening was "this feels weird, i'm gonna hate this." and there were a lot of things i didn't like about it but there were things i thought i wouldn't like that i ended up enjoying. the former was mainly plot and lore stuff and some gameplay mechanics and the latter was individual writing of many characters and level design and, most surprisingly, crafting (i liked the masterwork material stuff)

THOUGHTS ON PLOT: as stated above i thought it was some silly shit but i'm gonna keep it vague because zeroing in on each point i had issues with or just thought was lame would make this post even longer than it's going to be. so like the thing is i thought the game before this one was also fucking stupid however da2 got a pass from me because, in addition to it being produced in a time frame far too narrow for what it was supposed to be, it's all SO melodramatic and half-baked and so many things go nightmarishly wrong for hawke and pals that it loops around to being fun. inquisition i assume is also supposed to be an emotional rollercoaster but nothing really hit for me like some parts of da2 did. obviously that in itself isn't a bad thing, and it could partly be a me problem. hold that thought and peruse two paragraphs of rambling that i don't want to cut out but would fit even worse if tacked them on the end of this section.

one big thing i noticed is that inquisition feels less concerned with your character's background and their personal journey over the course of the game. i realize i'm not alone in this sentiment but that's the consequence of playing a game 8 years late. at times it was hard to pin down exactly why my inquisitor felt so flat compared to to my wardens and hawkes, but—when it wasn't a majority of the voice lines being read in almost the exact same cadence—i think it had something to do with the fact that the game starts with its focus on introducing the first big universal threat rather than introducing you to your character. your background is a short paragraph on the character creation screen and it gets referenced a few times for light flavor and if/when people are being racist towards you (i played as an elf) (i have thoughts on how odd playing this game as a dalish elf felt but nothing that hasn't been said before by pretty much every other person who's played as an elf)

in contrast origins has its backgrounds that each set a distinct tone and serve as introductions to various aspects of the da universe as well as giving context for how your character became a grey warden while leaving enough blanks for you to feel in control of your character's personality; similarly, da2's entire first two acts detail how a guy with nothing but a magnetic personality and the power of These Hands* became so respected by the freak shits running the city he fled to from his plague-ridden homeland that they turned to him to resolve their nuclear slapfight. in inquisition you're a pariah for the first like five minutes and then everyone realizes your special hand makes you the only person capable of fixing everything and after passing out from the power of your own earthshattering swag you awake to find yourself effectively in charge of an organization devoted to being heroic. life hack i guess

*not to be confused with inquisition's The Hand

inquisition's main theme, i think, was the past; looking at the past and its inhabitants for what they really were, even when the truth challenges one's beliefs. it's a clash between the past and the present for control of the future. the inquisition unwaveringly pushes towards the future even if it means discarding the past; the main villain, literally one of the guys whose foolery and fuckery spawned the chantry's canticle about evil mages walking into god's house and trashing it, is a walking relic of the past and he clings to it even as he's losing, crying out for The Old Gods to save him as you strike the final blow. you wage war on his supporters, you find the cracks in his armor, you kill his lame ass dragon because that's the only way to ensure he's dead for real this time or some shit, you kill him, you kill the past. it's a fitting theme for a game that strays so far from its prequels in almost every aspect to have woven into it.

near the end i took a break to finally play origins' witch hunt dlc and realized that that was where the concepts of fade rifts and eluvians and morrigan having mysterious motives were first established which provided context for parts of inquisition that i previously thought had been pulled out of someone's ass. 99% my bad for assuming a dlc wouldn't contain seeds of main plot points given that inquisition's main villain is the jokester from da2's legacy dlc but arguably 1% not my bad because my assumption was based on the amount of shit from origins that either didn't matter later in the series or underwent changes so drastic they bordered on retcon.

i thought it was funny that the mage-templar conflict that was built up over the course of the first two games escalated off-screen to a war that you personally ended in main story mission 3 of 10 (11 counting the trespasser dlc) and then the chodester whose shit you kicked in in legacy shows up and yoinks the spotlight. sure legacy ends with the implication that you haven't seen the last of his funny ass but if i hadn't already spoiled his role in inquisition for myself i would've been like no way it's this guy again you are shitting me. there's another bigger villain after this one right? but no it's just him and his pet dragon and then your shiftiest companion who is definitely a mortal being steals morrigan's "i have...... plans. goodbye my friend" bit except with more of a lore dump because he physically can't shut the fuck up. also objectively funny that you can have your character become convinced that they have indeed been sent by god to build a paramilitary force so powerful it starts freaking people out. the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a cult is a good guy with a cult

OTHER WRITING THOUGHTS jesus fucking christ this post is long: i liked a lot of the writing on an individual character basis. i had warmed up to pretty much every companion i wasn't big on by the end of the game, i think because i took the time to chat with them when given the option to and did everyone's personal quests. they all have at least one moment where it becomes clear why they are the way they are, what experiences have shaped their values and worldview and personality. i did not like that the wardens were fully turned into another dumb asshole brigade which is another thing that started in legacy that i wouldn't have expected to continue in a main installment, in this case because iirc the wardens trying to summon a darkspawnimation whatever the fuck in legacy were just some fringe weirdos in the desert? maybe i'm remembering wrong. anyway yeah remember when the wardens were scapegoats in origins well this time they're bad for real* to fuckin uhhh make a point about how anyone can become corrupted or something idk you can still collect grey warden decorations for your nice guys inc. headquarters though and nobody gives a shit

*"what about the time those fereldan wardens tried to overthrow king arland in 7:5 storm" not my prablem

THOUGHTS ON LEVEL DESIGN AND VISUALS: uh i wasn't expecting this game to be so big for some reason and by the time i finished i was a little over it but initially i was pleasantly surprised that there was still more to see wherever i was and excited to explore it all. aside from one cave in the storm coast where my party would get stuck in a corner and some rare (completely optional) pure platforming that was placed in the game by devils to taunt completionist dickheads like me every area is laid out really well

[aohendo]

Greetings! Thanks for being around. Question for you: what was the first thing you ever wrote? Could you share a snippet and how much progress you've made since then?

Thanks for being around, too! This was a trip straight down memory lane, so it does get kinda long under the cut, heads up.

The first thing I ever wrote for fun was in elementary school, but everything from then died with .wps formats (likewise, the computer). I know I've got something from middle school saved somewhere, but I can't find it, so we're gonna go with freshman year of high school for excerpts and comparisons (2013).

I'll do this for more dialogue heavy sections. If y'all want to see the description or action scene improvements I'd be happy to find some comparisons of those, too--some of them are hilariously bad, but that's okay.

Snippets and comparisons under the cut.

The first longer thing I ever wrote topped out at 75,646 words, and was a Phantom of the Opera modern AU ff. Roommate freshman year of high school was complaining about having to write 10k in November for English, so I promised I would do it with her. Thanks, freshman year roommate. Excerpt:

I looked back at the girl. She was crying hard enough that, had I not known who she was crying for, she could have been crying for her own child. I shook my head. She needed to get back to her life and out of this dank dungeon. I rested my hand lightly upon her shoulder. "Christine, we need to go. You must get back to your vicomte."

"But... but... Erik..."

"Is dead now Christine. Look at me, my girl." She turned her head towards me, but her wet eyes did not seem to focus. "He is gone. And you made him the happiest he had ever been when he died. But that was his life. This is yours. Say goodbye to him."

She threw herself back onto his body, as though she could squeeze life back into his corpse. I barely made out the words she said before she kissed him on his cheek and turned to me slowly.

End excerpt.

Which, looking back? Not as terrible as it could have been. Good? No. But a starting point. Notice, mostly, the repeated "Person Verbed" sentences ("I looked... she turned... she threw..."). These are actually something I still struggle with in early drafts.

The chief reason it isn't as horrible as it could have been is because I managed to find a really good beta reader off ff.net and I absolutely, 100%, to this day credit them with teaching me my writing basics.

2015/2016 came NaNo season, and I did the zero draft (so to speak) of Attenuate/Reverberate (then known as Holding Space). Excerpt:

“There is never time, Cal.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Cal at last came up alongside of her and began jogging sideways, casting her solidly in his shadow. “It’s all relative, if you know what I mean. Someone always has time—there’s a basic Morphic thing involved I think. Not sure about the parti—“

“Shut up.” Cal pouted, then pursed his lips.

“You know, you look a little green. Still having issues with that Ferry?” They ducked down a corridor, Madison nearly losing her partner at her suddenness. He recovered quickly. The cruiser lurched again. “I mean, even your bun looks a little… sick.” Madison seemed to ignore him. “Hey, didn’t you say that you were going to cut it off or something? Like, a month ago?”

“There has not been time, Cal.” He smiled slightly. Her voice sounded evidently annoyed.

End excerpt.

Looking back, this one is pretty bad. Madison's language was all sorts of stilted because I was so intent on making her speech clearly different from Cal's. The plot is a complete disaster (but at least it had a plot, unlike the 2013 ff), but it was complete at 172,349 words (not including about 40k which was moved to the deleted folder). Also, the descriptions are a steaming trash pile.

The two key issues with this snippet are: telling in an irritating way ("seemed to ignore him... sounded evidently annoyed") and the paragraph divisions (they're clumped around the dialogue, rather than divided by actor--happy to do a longer explanation for anyone curious). However, notice the progression from "Person Verbed" type sentences to more variety in type and length.

I wrote fairly steadily from then on, although nothing much longer than about 50k until I finally got around to rewriting Attenuate/Reverberate. Technically, this snippet is from last year, but it's sitting pretty for how I usually write now. This is the same scene as the 2015/16 version. Excerpt:

Madison pushed herself off the wall and staggered in the direction of their quarters.

Cal tagged along next to her. “Gotta say, Mad, you look even shittier than usual.” He tapped his pager, opening a copy of the Augustus’ blueprints he’d stolen off an unsuspecting Guardsman. “You want a bathroom? This isn’t gonna be the nice kind of dive you’re used to.”

“How much farther?” she asked. Another dive alarm whooped, loud and obnoxious. A light glowed white on the speaker itself, this one Velcroed above an office door.

“Probably too far. Left here.” He pointed at a passageway so tight Madison’s shoulders were scraping either wall and Cal was forced sideways. The narrowness was comforting, a balm to her nausea, but the deck still curved up and out of sight. Why did it have to be a Kontos class cruiser? No one even used Kontoses anymore. Just because this war was being compared to last century’s Second Sector War didn’t mean they had to use the same technology.

End excerpt.

Overall, a little smoother, no more funky perspective whatever the hell was going on before, and the descriptions are better incorporated. I finally got comfortable in my happy super-close third-limited perspective, stopped head-hopping, and (not shown) figured out fight scenes and the like. The dialogue itself hasn't changed much since 2013--it's always been my one stronger area--but clarity has IMO vastly improved. Also, it's not annoying to read anymore, so I'll take the win.

Thanks again for the ask! I haven't combed through some of those older pieces in... a while, so it was fun to see how they actually are vs how I had them in my memory.

[threeletterslife]

generally, for full-fleshed stories, do you recommend doing significant plotting before writing? especially for stories with complex world-building and characters like lod? i feel like a lot of writing advice says to just start writing even if you don’t have everything figured out yet, but i’m still in the process of trying to build a specific world and a plot and characters…so writing anything is difficult 😭

ooh well, with stories with complex world-building, i believe doing a good amount of plotting/research beforehand might lead to more cohesive writing in the future! at least for lod, i did a lot of the heavy lifting before i even thought to write it

i can def walk you through what my process for lod was! (it was painstakingly slow, but only because i knew lod would have like 70 chapters, and i wanted to write at least 350k words.) for context, lod took me approximately a year to plan before i wrote it. (and i'm still technically plotting, fixing up the minute details—especially when i decide i'm going to shift some scenes around/delete them/add new characters)

ONE

the first thing i did for lod was to have a general plot document. with this particular story, i knew the aus i wanted to write with already: e2l, magic au, historical au & war au. as you can see, some of it has changed. but this was my baseline and i knew i was going to start forming my plot upon these au guidelines.

then, i mapped out the ENTIRE story—literally from start to finish. it was nothing too fancy, just a few sentences describing some character actions here and there, maybe including some pertinent dialogue. i forgoed actual personality for the characters in this phase because, at this point in my planning, i wanted the plot to dictate the characters and not the other way around (but i always fix this later).

i did however, make a list of my three main characters: OC, yoongi, jungkook. i then tried to think of a few characteristics that described them. this was my extremely rudimentary version of creating my characters. (i deleted parts that are spoilers, including jk's entire character)

here's an example of what my "plotting" looked like:

this is basically the entire plot of chapter 1 of lod, but i condensed it to three basic paragraphs. in this particular plotting phase, i didn't worry about divvying up the chapters. however, this process still took the longest for me. around four months? i wanted to give myself ample time to think of a reasonable plot with reasonable pacing and progression

the caveat to this method is that you know very little about your world (because essentially, you're creating a plot without doing extensive worldbuilding). for me, i would just throwaway mention a few "magic" tricks without really thinking of the magic origin, but i knew i would go back and try to come up with a reason later. this method is more of like a "get your words on paper and refine them later." it works for some people, it doesn't work for others, but i find this useful when writing long stories. especially those with crazy worldbuilding and a lot of characters

lod is set in a universe with two given magic systems. magic systems are always tricky, and i knew i would have to make both of mine sooner or later. but for now, i only focused on the skeleton plot. the entire document ended up being around 24 pages

TWO

the next thing i did was to copy-paste everything i had on my plot doc to my chapter divisions doc. the chapter divisions doc is exactly what it sounds like LOL. i divided that plot into chapters

then, i went in and added more details to each chapter. i fleshed out the dialogue, explained more of the setting. i even began some of my worldbuilding:

above ^ is the very beginning of me attempting to somewhat attack the problem that was the magic systems LOL. of course, i couldn't reveal everything i wrote (spoilers), but hopefully, you get the gist

my little character table also got a lot longer! i assigned each main character an mbti, i assigned their habits, their more nitty-gritty bits of their personality. this method requires a lot of re-reading, re-writing, modifying and editing. after i got a better grasp of the main characters, i went back and fixed a lot of details so that the characters were guiding the plot and not the other way around

for example, in the original plot, OC was sort of a mary sue. she couldn't really do much wrong. she didn't have many failures, nor did she have that many moments of weakness. (i just wasn't focused on developing her character; i was focused on developing the plot.) but in my fixes, i grew her into this character who overthinks, who tries to see the good in everyone, and that might make her extremely naïve or too trusting. i added several scenes where she ends up failing, where she ends up being wrong, where she has to listen to other characters

in the plot doc, yoongi was a very distrusting, suspicious and an overall mean person. but the more i began playing around with the plot and the details, i realized that for him to trust OC and come to really respect her, he needs to be a little softer. because if he was an inherently questioning person, he would find the ways she excelled in battle planning very suspicious. so, came his development

the characters went through a lot of changes. and they actually go through more in the future as well

overall, this process also took around six months. the chapter divisions doc ended up being 79 pages long. (mainly because i kept fixing up the ending. i didn't like how the plot doc just wrapped things up too quickly.)

THREE

re-read, re-read, re-read! i re-read my chapter divisions doc so much that i could probably recite everything that happened in all 70 of the chapters on the fly. anything that sounded weird or awkward, i sliced out. i fleshed out side characters, i created side characters. hana didn't exist until a month before i began writing. doyun didn't exist until i began writing the first chapter. but every time i would create these side characters, i would go back into my chapter divisions doc and sprinkle them in the other chapters to make everything just more cohesive

this was my biggest editing phase. i created a money system, a military rank for solaria, refined yoongi's character, etc. i would write down a list of every plot hole or inconsistency or things i thought could improve:

slowly, i chipped away at this list. it was around this time that i also created the circa calendar system as well

still, this was all very basic worldbuilding. i don't get into the meat of it until i actually begin writing

FOUR

once i knew i felt comfortable with my extensive chapter divisions doc, i began writing. it was extremely daunting to reify a year's worth of ideas, which is why writing that first chapter took so damn long LOL. but most of my actual worldbuilding came from this phase (which i didn't expect)

i didn't come up with the term, 'medium' until the first chapter. i came up with that on the spot. i realized i'll probably have a lot more of these solarian-specific jargon. so i created a jargon/lore/info doc. it's basically exactly as it sounds like

^ i created this for every new character i introduced. and around this time (as i began writing), i realized i am going to eliminate sexism in this universe (hence, everyone is technically bisexual/asexual and 'sir' is a non-gendered word). i think details like this really enhance the believability of your fictional world

another thing to be cognizant of is the three big words in history: economy, social and political climate. i checked off economy with the money system i created. but i was working on the social and political climate. this was something i had to weave into the plot while i was writing

FIVE

never be afraid of changing things. i changed so much. for me, the chapter divisions doc is just a guideline. i take inspiration from it. but when i write, i just write what feels right at that moment while abiding by the laws i created for this particular fictional universe

though i did plot a lot, i also left things up in the air for a while. i didn't solidify solaria's magic system until i wrote chapter 8. i wasn't even going to include the details of the officer meetings until chapter 3. originally, i didn't even plan yoongi's backstory. he was an only child. but as i was writing, i thought a flashback scene with his younger brother would be necessary. then, i wanted him to be the neglected middle child, so the idea of his older sister was born.

plotting is all about adapting and modifying as you go. but you can't really adapt and modify if you don't have a plot to begin with

my number one rule for exposition is to reveal. reveal things slowly and through your characters. try not to dump things on the reader (although sometimes, info dump is inevitable)

i personally disagree with the advice of "start writing!" it only applies to certain people. (for me, i like to have somewhat of an idea of what i'm getting myself into.) everyone writes differently (and with different motivations) so specific advice can always be a double-edged sword

however, if your story does not take place in a modern society and it involves a certain degree of worldbuilding and you'd like to create complex characters, plotting is necessary. because plotting allots for mistakes. just writing does not

i mean, look at how many changes i went through in around two years. (i'm also in the process of changing more right now!) i think plotting just helps you look at your ideas, critique them and then modify them so that when you actually get to writing it, you don't run into that many problems. i always find it easier to delete a string of grammatically incorrect words in my plot doc than a polished sentence on my actual writing doc

but hopefully! this was helpful in some way! (sorry it turned out to be so long ����)

[silv3rswirls]

Note: This is honestly just a vent piece I wrote with Jin after a breakdown a last night. I've debated on if I wanted to post it or not, but I thought maybe someone would find comfort in reading it as I did in writing it. Not really a reader insert, but I guess it can be if you really want.

This does deal with the whole idea of repressed memories coming back to someone, so if you find that triggering you might want to skip this one. This is based solely on my personal experience and I still hardly understand things myself right now.

I don't go into detail on what happened or anything that could possibly be triggering in that regard.

I didn't have anyone to comfort me when this happened, so I wrote something to make myself feel better. To be honest I might wake up tomorrow and delete this.

They made sense now, she supposed.

The nightmares. They made sense now.

She knew now why they came to her every now and again, grim in detail and a little too real for comfort. There was comfort in knowing, at least there was supposed to be. She hadn’t felt very comforted when she got her answer. After years of being greeted by this nightmare, one that felt so real and involved family she no longer considered family, she had drummed up the courage to ask the only person she could think to go to if any truth ran true through these dreams.

Sadly, the dream was very real.

She had thought gaining the answer would bring comfort, wouldn’t stir up such an odd and heavy emotion in her. She would get her answer and go about her day as if nothing happened; that’s how she had imagined it.

So why, after setting her phone down did she feel so uneasy. Her messages were long closed, the paragraph explaining the truth gone but still waiting in her thread.

Suddenly she felt it, warmth flooding her face and tears beginning to stream. Her shoulders rocked as she silently broke down, the weight of a lifetime handing over her. She remembered it all and it hurt. There wasn’t any comfort in knowing; blissful ignorance, she decided, had to be better than this.

This was awful. Really, really awful. It felt childish to describe it that way, but no other world could come to mind.

She had always had that nagging feeling that something bad had happened, that a lot of bad things had happened. Just never exactly what, even with a recurring nightmare she truly had thought her mind was just playing tricks. Nothing like that had happened. She had spent so long questioning it and playing it down as just fake memories, that the dream was random and that she had never seen it.

But she had.

She remembered the reason for such a horrible, nagging feeling. It was awful. It answered questions but left so many more in its wake. She felt sick and scared, so little and helpless like she’d felt that day she remembered. It happened so long ago but all her feelings felt so fresh. It was scary how vivid she could look back on it now.

Despite attempts at keeping quiet, soon heavy wails filled the dark bedroom. Her knees were drawn up to her chest as she buried her face in them, trying to muffle herself. She didn’t want to wake him up, she didn’t want to have to explain anything. She just wanted to cry.

When he began to stir she got up to leave the room, but she was stopped. Her throat burned and her stomach hurt from trying to repress her crying, but when Jin’s arms coiled around her upper body she couldn’t help but let it all out. Leaning back, falling into his embrace sloppily. Her head was pounding, hair stuck to her face as sweat and tears coated her skin.

“It hurts” she managed to choke out.

He didn't say anything, just hugged her, and that was all that she needed.

[sevensided]

how did you get into writing fic? i'd love to start but idk even where to begin! I loved adats so I was wondering do you have any advice?

Oh my goodness! I am so flattered you’ve asked me this. Yes, I can absolutely help. I’ll throw a bunch of rambling under the cut.

I started writing fic probably when I was... sixteen years old? A lot of my early works were oneshots. I couldn’t figure out how to do anything plot heavy for the life of me, so I just stuck to AUs or whatever I felt like. I wasn’t in any particular fandom -- I really wrote whatever I had ideas for. I remember I tried once to do a plot-heavy story and I received a review absolutely ripping it to shreds. Like, it was so cruel I cried lol. I ended up deleting the fic. Years later, I get what they were trying to say (basically, more substance, less style), but at the time it cut to the quick. Really, it was only when I was in my twenties that I started writing work that was longer and/or better.

The fandom that helped me actually write plot heavy work was a historical-based fandom. As I’m a historian, it was perfect. I got to use my research skills and knowledge to create works that, above all, aimed to feel authentic. I mainly read historical fiction, so I was familiar with how that genre worked. Miraculously, people loved my work. I think I wrote about ~200k in the period of a year? These were several short stories (20-40k) and a few oneshot filler fics. While I was part of this fandom I also helped organise a Big Bang which was a lot of hard work but was extremely rewarding. Along with that, I interacted mainly with other fic writers, so I spent a lot of time chatting to people about ideas and encouraging other writers, and it just created a lovely medley where no concept was impossible or any line of dialogue too difficult. We supported each other and it was truly like a little commune. I gradually stepped away from the fandom mainly because it was just a part of my life at a very specific time, and almost as soon as that time was over, my love for that story/ship faded, but I firmly believe I figured out a lot of how/what I do now purely through that experience.

Regarding ADATS

With ADATS, it stemmed entirely from wanting to “explain” three months in canon (at the end of season three). I was interested in the idea of season four setting up Will/Mike in canon, and I wanted to test the source material to see if I could draw from what already existed to create something authentic. I began with that simple idea: what happened from July to October in 1985? Then I thought about the major themes I wanted to hit -- family, friendship, coming of age, sexuality -- and I nested them around the bigger concept: how do I get Mike from being ostensibly straight to realising he is gay? That meant thinking of two steps: Mike discovering his attraction to guys; Mike discovering his attraction to Will. Those two concepts were separate “arcs” that needed addressing in different ways. Balance was key to weaving them together and making the reader feel like they knew what was coming (and that they felt smart for putting the pieces together) without just rushing through and going “now kiss!” That’s partly why ADATS needs a sequel, lol: because it’s not finished!

Writing process

The first thing I do when I start to get an idea is I write it down. Sounds obvious. But when you have a killer line of dialogue come to you in the shower and you think “I’ll remember that” -- reader, you will not remember it. You gotta get it down ASAP! I do that the whole way through, as generally I’ll be thinking of scenes I’m stuck on and then it’ll just come to me and I’ll quickly jot it down.

The next thing -- or what I do in the meantime -- is start structuring. I plan. I try to plan a lot. Sometimes it’s okay to write “and something happens here to get them here”, because you’ll figure it out later, but for the most part I’ve discovered that planning is like gold and you can’t get enough of it. I break my work up into generally 3-4 parts/sections, and I treat each section like a mini story. So each part needs a conflict and resolution, and it needs to flow into the next section. You need to have a feeling of things evolving and maturing. Once I’ve planned those little bits, I start thinking about the bigger plot arc and how I can drop in hints along the way. I’m probably not a subtle or skilled enough writer to yet pull off that sort of gasping twist you get in really excellent books, but I’m trying to get there. It’s hard, is what I’m trying to say, but that’s okay, because we’re all learning.

Then I generally do aesthetic stuff. Sounds stupid, probably. But nothing helps me get more into a mood than doing a Pinterest board or -- most of all -- making a Spotify mix. I start thinking about the vibe and the general atmosphere, and then I almost exclusively listen to that mix when I’m working. Sort of like muscle memory? Just to get the creative juices associated with that particular selection of songs.

Another thing I’ll do along with plot structure is character structure. This is a biggie. I mean, a story is nothing without characters. So I’ll just jot down a bunch of bullet points of characters and particular aspects that I want to highlight or remember. I hate continuity errors in fiction. Like, if someone says they work on Maple Street but later in the fic they’re working on Pine Street. I hate that. So I keep note of specific things that my main character might notice at repeated points in the story (colours, places, smells, names, sounds -- so they’re all consistent even as the narrative evolves). That’s another thing -- your characters’ motivations. Not everyone is going to be a huge player, but they all do serve a purpose. The most important character is obviously your main character. I personally think it’s important to let your M.C. be an arse at times. They’re going to be mean, they’re going to misinterpret things or fly off the handle... just let ‘em. Let them be wretched humans, and then bring them back and make them realise what they’ve done. Let them learn! I love consequences in fiction, lol.

At the same time, I’ll probably start writing. We’ve already written down some snippets of neat dialogue or descriptions, but now we should start the actual process. For me, I used to start at the beginning. Usually this was the most fleshed out anyway: I’ll have a clear idea of the beginning and the end, but nothing in the middle. These days, if I have a scene in mind that I can’t forget, I’ll just write it. It will possibly get scrapped or rewritten, but that’s okay, because at least you’ve got it down and now you can devote your brain power to something useful (like figuring out what the middle is supposed to be). I’ll have half a dozen of totally out of context scenes just littered in my Word document that I’ll add to as I go along. Eventually, though, you’re going to start writing properly, and that’s when you write your opening scene.

Opening scenes: super important. Every time I write a scene I think: what is the point of this? What do I want the reader to learn or takeaway? Sometimes you do have filler scenes, but they also serve a different purpose (perhaps to establish a group dynamic or to explore/describe a character’s surroundings). Mainly, though, every scene should push something forward in some way, whether it’s character development or a plot point. So, with an opening scene, I always think you have to establish: where you are; who you are; what they are doing; where they’ve come from (in a philosophical and practical sense); and where they’re going (ditto). That doesn’t have to happen in the first paragraph -- that would be silly. But if you sprinkle that information in over time it’ll gradually build up a picture of your character and that way the reader can get an idea of who they are. You basically need to give a snapshot of what your story is about. This also goes back to the character creator stuff: where they are at the start should be different to where they end up. How that happens is, of course, because of plot, and because you’ve structured everything to the nth degree, we’ve got a very clear progression of that character’s growth (/s easier said than done lol).

General advice

Write down everything: every idea, a bit of dialogue, a description, whatever. Write it down. Doesn’t have to be neat. Just has to be on paper. You can’t remember everything, so if you’re spending time trying to hold those things in your head, it’s taking up space for new ideas to come along.

Structure, plan, structure, plan. Sometimes it’s boring and I hate it. Other times, when I’ve not written in a few days and I open the Word doc and think wtf is this supposed to be, I am very grateful for Past Me for leaving such detailed notes. Seriously, it helps so much. Oneshots don’t really need planning, in my experience. You just get those out there. But multi-chaptered stories really do, even ones that “just” focus on a relationship.

Whatever you want to write, commit to it. Space goblins invade Hawkins? Do it. Eleven and Max find themselves in a cult akin to Midsommar (2019) and must escape? Yes. Just... whatever you want to do, remember that you’re writing it for you. Write what most interests you, what makes you when you reread it go AHHHHH I LOVE THIS!! Because that makes it a thousand times easier to actually get on with the writing when you enjoy what you’re doing.

Write a lot. Every day, if you can, or at least at designated times. Occasionally I have a very specific headspace/vibe I have to be in, but sometimes it just hits me and I’ll say to my partner “I need to write now” and just disappear, lol. The more you write the more you write. It’s so, so, so true. Cannot emphasise this enough. When I wrote that ~200k in twelve months? It was because I literally wrote every. day. Or near enough. Remember that some days you’ll write 200 words, and other days you’ll write 20k (this happened to me with ADATS -- part of the reason I finished it so quickly was because I had sprints of writing 10k+ at a time that only happened because I was in the rhythm of it). Write, write, write. Who cares if it’s crap! No one will see it until you are ready. In the meantime, just write!

Probably last of all (although I could go on and on) is connect with other writers. If you’re struggling to start, sometimes just talking about it can help a huge amount. I hope it goes without saying that you can message me whenever you want, anon or not, and I will talk to you. We can talk about ideas or I can beta stuff, whatever you want! Find like-minded people and talk to them about what you want to do. Another thing this helps is in advertising your work when you do publish. I see a lot of first time fic writers get super down because they publish their magnum opus on AO3 but no one comments. Honestly, it’s because no one knows you’ve published! You don’t have to be tooting your own horn every which way, but just actively talking about your work and even collaborating with other content creators with get you hyped and other people too (and the input and encouragement other fandom members give is just... out of this world. Anon messages helped me finish ADATS when I was really worried I wouldn’t [that’s the truth]. Seriously, support is everything). When you have people excited about your work, you get excited. It’s really as simple as that.

I could go on but this is already horrendously long. I hope even a bit of this helps! If you want to chat or have any more questions, just hit me up any time.

[libermachinae]

For the directors cut meme, I would love to hear anything at all about chapter 5 of We Forget the Names Not Written Down. (That preface by Rewind, btw, has stuck with me so much, gosh.)

Thank youuu ;u; I was really hoping someone would ask about that one. Under the cut because *spoilers*. (here's a link to the fic in case anyone hasn't checked it out yet)

Okay, so, to start with, the name: "Preface" is the last chapter of the fic, as a final nod to the fact that the fic really doesn't conform to a linear sense of time. Even the chapter itself is spread across different time periods: the dedication was a collaboration between Rewind and Prowl, the Forward was written by Prowl after Rewind's death, the Preface was written while Chromedome was still alive, and the chapter as a whole is being read at some point in the future, after The Complete History has been published. My purpose there was to pull the audience into the story: there is no present but that of the person reading it. Each section represents a crystalized version of who its author/s was/were when they wrote it, and then these disparate moments link up to form a single cohesive text.

The other reason I put "Preface" at the end of the fic is because it is an end, for both Rewind and Prowl. For Rewind, it's the last chance he has to "write" (and I'll go more into that in a bit) and say exactly what he's thinking. It's the last opportunity he has with his own voice, and he uses it to say goodbye to the world and wish it well with a future he won't get to see. And for Prowl, it's the last step he takes before sending the manuscript, anonymously, to the publisher. They're his last words, too, before he disappears to the unnamed planet mentioned in the fic's summary. "Preface" is a series of goodbyes.

The other structural thing I would want to mention in this chapter is authorship. The definition of an author is a theme that I was exploring throughout the fic, and chapter 5 is where Rewind has a chance to address it head on by talking about the assistance he's receiving from Chromedome.

Now I’m a writer, and even that’s in only the barest sense of the word. I can get most of the important words down, but I need Chromedome to connect the dots for me.

The idea that Rewind is the author of The Complete History is never brought into question, because I personally think it's more interesting to consider how this then affects our definition of authorship. Delta's Malady has started to degrade his ability to generate and interpret language. It's not necessarily deleting words, but it's becoming more effort than it's worth for Rewind to come up with every single one. Before Chromedome's work, I imagine these two sentences read more like this:

Writer barely. I important words, Chromedome connect.

It's possible to understand Rewind's intention, but there is a lot of space that needs to be filled to make it read correctly. If someone other than Chromedome (like, for example, Prowl) were to take a stab at interpreting it, they might come up with the following:

I barely write. I generate important words, and Chromedome makes the connections.

By changing "writer" to a verb, the focus of the first sentence shifts from being about Rewind's identity and onto a task he struggles to perform. The latter instance could also be interpreted as Rewind simply not writing often, rather than his ability to do so being poor. The focus is further shifted from Rewind's perspective by going from "the important words," which imply personal stakes, to "important words," which is a more general sense.

The point I'm trying to make with all this is that even if all Chromedome is doing is connecting the dots, it still matters a lot and affects how Rewind's final goodbye will be read. Even if Chromedome knows Rewind better than anyone else, the fact that he participates this way at all impacts the way readers interact with the text. Rewind is still considered the author, but authorship doesn't guarantee that he intended everything exactly as it was written.

Which, to be fair, is true for everyone. I'm constantly using words that don't quite fit but are close enough to replace the ones I want but can't remember. Reading itself is an interpretive act; it's impossible to write something that will be interpreted the same way by everyone. But I'm getting super off track now oops :P

Within the Preface itself, I knew I had to talk about Functionist Cybertron (or, as Rewind calls it, Cybertron) because the fic would have been incomplete without it. Not only is Rewind dying because of it, but it's his creation as much as the manuscript is: just as complicated, but still important. He feels a sense of responsibility to it, the same way he feels a responsibility to finish The Complete History, so it can be passed down to future generations. Another ending represented in "Preface": the transition of one generation of Cybertronians to the next. The two Cybertronians cited in chapter 2 were an MTO and a spark forged within Trypticon, neither of who were present for the start of the war. The galaxy is trying to heal from the effects of the Great War, and that means moving on from the people who helped start it (even if only tangentially, as in Rewind's case).

After spending a few paragraphs talking about that Cybertron, though, Rewind intentionally switches back to talking about his Cybertron and the war he was part of. As with the text as a whole, it's a final act of rebellion, Rewind fighting for control over his narrative even as it's drawing to a close. The important note here is that it's out of a sense of responsibility, not of pride.

It is not a proud story. I don’t think anyone walked away from it without some amount of shame, despair, or rage. But it is ours, for as long as there are Cybertronians left to remember it.

Rewind is trying to take ownership of something he has little claim to, because someone has to and he's in a position to do so. It's this same reasoning that Prowl struggles to articulate in his letter to Bumblebee in chapter 4. Both of them see something that must be done and decide that they're going to do it.

And the thing is, they do it poorly.

Rewind can't write on his own. His databanks are being corrupted by Delta's Malady (in chapter 1, Prowl concludes the corruption is so widespread Rewind is no longer capable of making meaningful contributions to the text) and he struggles even to find the way to his memories, if they still exist at all. And Prowl is a terrible editor. There is only one section that he writes without any prior input from Chromedome, and he struggles so much that he ends up reusing Chromedome's wording anyway, to the detriment of the text. Neither is in an ideal position to perform the task they set out to do, but they choose to do it anyway. Because someone needs to.

The last paragraph was kind of where I figured out what I wanted this fic to be and how I was going to get it there.

Because that’s all any of us end up becoming: the words and the stories we leave behind. I spent my whole life trying to capture as many as possible, even as I watched so many fall through the cracks. So, a final dedication: to those who exist in echoes. Though we forget the names not written down, they form the spaces between every word, every letter. It was their collective story that I aimed to tell, and if I’m left with any regret, it’s that I still failed to catch them all.

To be completely, entirely transparent: in regards to the title, I was trying to pull a "Without Love." It starts off by saying that we lose the things we don't intentionally record, and then finally Rewind reveals that actually, they've been there all along. Prowl's name only appears once in the fic, as the last word of chapter 4, where I meant to imply that it had been deleted before he sent his letter to Bumblebee (not sure if that idea actually got across). Prowl's is the name not written down, but he's everywhere in the fic, constantly influencing both the text and the story of its creation. Though I still consider Rewind the sole author of The Complete History, in the context of the story, he and Prowl are partners, working to create something that will outlast them both.

[justoneofthoseghosts]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Fun Meta Asks for Writers

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

Multi chapter:

Last chapter of the current one I'm publishing. Chapters 1-5 are here. I got down 4,000 words yesterday and wrote a draft of the major scene in the chapter so hopefully the rest of the chapter can be drafted today. I wrote most of this in December except for the last chapter so I was kind of dreading having to write it.

Three one shots which are in various stages of being written and I don't know which one to finish first, lol.

a follow up to But I Know The Heart Of Life is Good set during Eli's 18th birthday when they watch the video Herrmann made for his 1st birthday. Someone left a comment on Ao3 suggesting this and I thought it was a nice idea.

One where Hallie is alive and she tries to get Matt and Sylvie together set sometime in season 8.

The last one is for The Rookie which is a canon divergence one where Lucy stays undercover longer in season 3 and she comes back to a changed station and only finds out about Jackson's death after she completes her undercover assignment.

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

Honestly, I just want to finish one of them. It's kind of getting out of hand at this point having a few WIPs 😂 hopefully, I can tackle them one by one.

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

I can never write anything close to smut at all. For example, this last chapter I'm writing, I wanted to add like a really, really small portion of it but it looks like it's not happening 😬

It's not like I haven't tried it just always comes out so bad and I end up deleting every little hint of it from the final draft. Personally, I think it takes so much skill to do it. Writing fluff is easy because wanting people to feel happy is easy. Writing angst is more challenging because you want people to feel a wider range of emotion but writing smut I think requires a lot of technical skill. A lot of the books I tend to read doesn't really have this type of content either so maybe I haven't figured out how to write it correctly.

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

I can honestly say once I publish something, i have a tendency to forget it unless I go back and read it again but I do like the scene in chapter 10 of But I Know The Heart Of Life is Good where Sylvie and Matt are talking by the lake and admit their feelings. It's a scene that was residing for so long in my head that by the time I was writing it, I could clearly picture it in my mind down to the last detail.

5. What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

It would be Violet because I think her personality (even if we haven't really seen too much) is a lot like mine. I enjoy plugging her in as a minor character whenever I can.

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

It's always fun writing Matt because he has so many layers you can use depending on what's needed, like he an be serious, he can be awkward, etc.

[queeranesearch]

 @harutheestallion Thank you so much for the tag, Arthur!! I kith you, mwah!

(This ended up being way longer than I thought it’d be bc I got so caught up in talking about OTHER people’s writing lmfao, so I’m putting a ‘keep reading’)

Prompt - share your:

First fic: Uuugh god..When I was 11/12 I was really into Attack on Titan, and in my Year 8 English Lit class we had lessons where we did creative writing so of course I wrote an Armin-centric high-school AU. It haunts me to this day but it was so funny to read again later on. But the first fic I actually posted online was a Moomin one, back in 2019. Moomins was (and still is thb) a big comfort media for me, and it always helped me feel better when I was going through some really bad anxiety. I was also very insecure about my writing and hadn’t written anything in years, but I was very attached to the characters and there wasn’t that much content of them so I thought “Fuck it. This is gonna be very self-indulgent. If other people like it then great, but really this is for me.” I did end up getting way more kudos and comments than I thought I would and loads of lovely comments. I read it again a little while ago and the writing is a but rusty, and my paragraphing isn’t great, but it’s really sweet and I had a lot of fun writing it and I think that shines through.

Favourite fic: Dude, I cannot pick one favourite fic, so I’m gonna list a few that came to mind: Hooked by @listless-brainrot - aka THE jetru fic. I will forever scream about List’s writing. The way he’s able to take such a character with one episode, and see the potential pour so much life into him is amazing. He writes Haru with so much nuanced realness, and seeing things though his perspective makes for such an immersive read and gives beautiful insight into his thoughts and wants. I cannot recommend it enough.

Sing a little louder, laugh a little softer by @chief-yue - Such lovely fic exploring the music of cultures ATLA was inspired by. I had the biggest smile on my face reading this; Katrina really captures the dynamic of the Gaang wonderfully, and her descriptions are vivid and heartwarming. 

Two Sturdy Oaks by @rileyblxu - A Dead Poets Society fic and one of my comfort fics ajklasd. The author writes Neil and Todd perfectly; Like if you told me this fic was actually deleted scenes from the movie I would believe you 100%. The dialogue between all the characters is spot on, and the trusting relationship both Neil and Todd have with Mr Keating is so heart-warming to read, and the descriptions were so tender and full of so much love and pining,,dude I actually cried a little. PLUS the use of poems at the beginning of the chapters?? Absolutely iconic for setting the tone. Love it.

Not Ready To Make Nice by @harutheestallion - Tagging you twice hehe. Arthur’s characterization of Jet kills me DEAD. They have so many little nuanced details about Jet, but also how he sees other people and the world around him. They have such a strong grasp on his character; every action he makes in this fic is written cleverly wand with such clear thought put behind it, and Jet’s perseverance and bitterness but also his kindness and desire to protect others really shines through. And HAMA. She’s written perfectly too; so similar to Jet in many ways but also more ‘jaded’ and less hopeful. Their dynamic is so interesting to read and watching them become gradually closer is so lovely.

Henna by @miannmian - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; Simran is the QUEEN of fluff. This is one of their shorter works, but it’s packed of such tender characterization. The descriptions are written with so much care and warmth, you can practically feel the love these Jet and Haru have for each other. It’s sweet, it’s domestic, and it makes my heart swell each time I read it.

Can’t Make An Omelette by @citron-ella - A Good Omens fic, but focused on The Them! GO fics that aren’t primarily about Aziraphale and Crowley are hard to come by, so I was delighted when I came across this one, particularly as The Them are my personal faves from the book/show. This fic is so sweet and funny in little nuanced ways. Children are hard to write, especially slightly older ones, but this author wrote them wonderfully; they really captured the lovely curious and mischievous nature of The Them, and each one of the kids was written perfectly in character. The descriptions set the scenes well, and they have a sweet, nostalgic sort of tone to them; it reminds me of what kid’s books used to be like years ago, there’s an Enid Blyton(and I’d even say a Terry Pratchet) like charm to it. And I adore the little detail of Brian being curious about Pollution being non-binary, and recognizing something similar in himself; it was so heart-warming. I also loved the bit at the end where Pepper knowingly acknowledges Brian’s interest in being non-binary; it’s a nice subtle way of showing their friendship and how they pay attention to each other.

Most Recent fic: A jetru oneshot, “Kiss Me?”. It’s pretty simple and fluffy; the lads having their first kiss. To be honest, it’s one of those fics I have a love-hate relationship with; looking back at it there are so many ways I’d rewrite it and make it better, but there are some nice bits there too. 

Fic with most notes: My moomin one I mentioned earlier. It’s called “To Have a Family is an Awfully Complicated Thing”. A VERY wordy title, and again, there a loads of things I wish I could change and do better( I have actually been contemplating rewriting it) but it’s very close to my heart, and I’m glad other people liked it too.

A line or two from a wip: Man, I have SO many wips it’s embarrassing. Here’s a modern Yueki thing I was doing: They didn't know how Yue spent lunchtimes at school in the library, hidden behind the back shelves, reading poetry books held together with thick brown tape; Shakespeare, Dickinson, Keats, Wordsworth, their words lovely yet so disconnected from her; how within the whole breadth of the romantics she could not find one to attach to; how with no great authors to turn to, she put her own pen to paper, spilling thoughts of brown hair and dark eyes, of a face that freckled in the sun, of a laugh that filled her stomach flip with a delightful queasiness, of how her heart ached for the girl that cleaned her grazed knee for her when she was six. ‘Oh dear.’ Yue fiddled with the bag in her lap, zipping it up, zipping it down. ‘There’s no going back now, is there?’

Favourite character to write for (and why): Hmm, I think Yue and Jet, both from ATLA. Something about them just clicks with me; I love Yue to bits and wish we could’ve had more of her in the show, so I love exploring her character beyond being the Moon Princess. I also adore Jet and will forever be angry about how he dirty they did him in the show. Writing him is actually quite challenging, but in a way I enjoy, and I enjoying pushing myself to explore the nuance and depth he had in the show. 

Character(s) you find hard to write: Hm.. I’d say Toph. I love Toph so much but I find it difficult to really capture her strength and rowdiness, but also her compassion and her softer side. 

I’ve tagged a few people in this already, so if they wanna do this feel free to! Also you. Reading this. Consider yourself tagged; I wanna hear about your writing. 

[dancingdimitri]

Well, it’s officially been a year. On March 23, 2020, I unboxed the secondhand Switch we had obtained by some incredible stroke of luck, solely for the purpose of playing Fire Emblem Three Houses, and started my first ever playthrough--Blue Lions route, of course--which I affectionately dubbed “Dimitripocalypse.” I chose this name because immediately prior to actually playing the game, I was aware of several facts:

- I was somehow already in love with Dimitri. - The Blue Lions story was both 1) centered on Dimitri, and 2) tragic. - I do not handle tragedies well.

(spoilers following, obviously. And lots of introspection.)

I knew about Three Houses since its release, but waited until many months later to actually play it for a few reasons: we (“we” meaning myself and my twin, Aki) didn’t yet possess a Switch; getting our hands on a system, plus the game, was an investment of several hundred dollars; there were no Switch games other than Three Houses we had significant interest in playing at the time, and besides, we were already plenty occupied with Fire Emblem Fates and the multitude of older games keeping us entertained on our outdated handheld systems. Our original plan was to buy a Switch for our birthday in May of the year following the release of Three Houses. Once the news of an impending lockdown started to spread, though, it became apparent that if we were going to get a Switch any time in the foreseeable future, that time was now. Our in-person shopping was mostly fruitless--no Switch, but we got our copy of the game while we were out (we like our physical copies)--but by some miracle we managed to find a previously used system for sale online: in retrospect, probably one of the last ones to be sold for a very long time after that.

By restraining myself from actively seeking out fanmade content, I managed to avoid significant spoilers for Three Houses. Inevitably, though, as months passed after the game’s release, I absorbed tidbits of knowledge that happened to roll by on my social media feed. I probably learned about the general concept and organization of the game (for example, obviously, the fact that there were three houses; more specifically, that it was a tragic story, and there was a timeskip somewhere in the middle), and the names of a few characters, but my recollections of my initial phases of information osmosis are fuzzy at best by now. My earliest memory of having a cohesive thought about anything in the game was sometime around September of 2019, when I happened upon Dimitri’s post-timeskip portrait. Immediately upon setting eyes on it, my heart went: He’s the one.

I still haven’t figured out what my heart does or how it works in such tight coordination with my eyeballs, but I have this tendency to abruptly fixate on one character in a given series, thereby selecting my single, immutable favorite character for that series. Yet, even as I subconsciously judge these characters based purely on appearance, when you also factor in aspects like personality and backstory, which I inevitably learn later, I somehow manage to also have a very consistent and predictable “type.” This was exactly what happened with Dimitri. Granted, it took me until February 2020 to form a significant emotional attachment to him, to the point where I was thinking about him constantly, but I never doubted from the beginning that it was Dimitri who would be the source of my “brainrot.”

I always wonder how things might have been different if I didn’t know about Dimitri beforehand: would I still have picked the Blue Lions house, solely because blue is my favorite color? Would Dimitri still have drawn me in through his many characteristic charms? Or would I have picked a different route, a different favorite character? How many things would be the same as they are today? But then I remember one of my favorite passages from what has been my favorite manga since my adolescence: [There’s] no point in thinking about the things I could have done, because there’s no guarantee that any choice is the right one. Alas, the timeline that exists right now is the only one that I know for certain, so it’s the only one I can discuss at length.

Sometime in the months that passed between finding that portrait and the beginning of lockdown, my knowledge of Three Houses had grown more cohesive, as vague as it still was. I knew that Dimitri was a tragic character who, due to some sort of traumatic events earlier in the story, became significantly more emotionally troubled after the timeskip. Looking back, I think this ended up being just the right amount of knowledge to have about the game before I started playing, because at any given point I had the faintest idea of where the story might be going, but no clue whatsoever about how it got there, and, perhaps most importantly, I still did not know how it ended. Nevertheless, another notable reason I hesitated for so long to play Three Houses was because I knew I was faint of heart and not adept at coping emotionally with even fictional tragedy; knowing what I did about Dimitri, I assumed playing Three Houses would leave me in a significantly worse emotional state than I had before playing the game. (I already struggled with generalized anxiety, a stressful family life, and recurring nightmares.)

Fortunately, I was very wrong. Even so, with no way of knowing this at the time, I figured that a lockdown would be the perfect time to start my playthrough. I was temporarily furloughed from my day job for the foreseeable future and obviously had no plans to go anywhere or do anything, so if I was going to get emotionally wrecked and needed significant time to recover, I might as well do so while I was stuck at home anyway.

(Side note: we could have gotten a Switch Lite with much less hassle if we wanted to, but we opted against it because we wanted to utilize the large television we had in our living room at the time. This ended up being an excellent decision. Second side note: it took me a few days to figure out there was a button on the system itself for taking screenshots, but I’m too sentimental to delete my lower-quality phone pictures.)

On the first evening after dinner I played for only about 45 minutes, enough to select my house. I ended up restricting myself to playing only in the mornings after that, because I lost practically all of my sleep to speculating. I primarily remember wondering about the deeper aspects of Dimitri’s character--what kind of person was he, really? I wrote an unnecessarily detailed paragraph about all of my guesses, based solely on his dialogue up to that (very early) point in the game, synthesized with things I knew about myself. I supposed, with the reservation that these were just wild guesses, that he might be very much like me. Every last one of my guesses turned out correct.

I experienced the story roughly one chapter at a time in two- to three-hour sittings, to allow myself ample time for emotional processing. I figured I might need it, and again, I was right.

As they say, the rest is history. Writing out all of the impressions I recall from Dimitripocalypse would make this post more needlessly long than it already is, and you can gather most of those from my regular posts, anyway. For the sake of as much brevity as I can muster, I’ll skip to the most important conclusion: I’m so glad I played this game.

Again, things could have easily turned out much differently. I very nearly stopped playing the game entirely after Dimitri’s sudden outburst at Remire Village gave me a panic attack so awful that I struggled to manipulate the controllers because my hands were trembling so badly. (I would have quit then and there, but I didn’t realize what was happening until after the fact.) But, after having Aki look up the ending to the route to confirm that it was indeed happy (for Dimitri, anyway--an important distinction), I persisted, also keeping in mind another favorite quote: something about the importance of continuously making an effort to understanding someone you love, even though not understanding them is “the greatest fear.” In retrospect, with how Dimitri’s character arc continued to develop, putting in the effort to reach that understanding at that specific point in the game saved my butt and made the vast majority of what happened later much, MUCH less of an emotional slap in the face. And with how the story progressed, I needed as much free cognitive space for emotional processing as I could get. The post-timeskip reunion with Dimitri led to my first good, cathartic crying session that I could remember in probably seven years. If I remember correctly, think it lasted a total of an hour and a half.

Even with that in mind, or maybe because of it, Dimitri’s renewal halfway through the second part was the single most cathartic moment I can recall ever experiencing. With how hopelessly attached I already was to Dimitri even before knowing the grisly details of his upbringing, the development of his story felt quite literally like something chipping away at my soul. Dimitri’s second peripeteia, then, wherein he realizes his past mistakes and decides to change for the better, evoked the sensation of my soul gently being reassembled, each broken shard softly being set perfectly back into place. I’m still not entirely why a fictional story felt so much more therapeutic than any therapy I had ever gotten up until that point. Somehow, though, just by experiencing that moment, I no longer carried with me a background-noise level of emotional anguish that had, at some point, become my default state.

With all of that said, I’m not entirely sure how to start wrapping this up.

It’s been a year since I took my first fateful step into the world of Fire Emblem Three Houses. There was no way of knowing where the steps after that would take me, even if I did predict a few aspects of the story. I’m certainly happy I was wrong thinking that I would end the game in a worse place than I started. Now I’m standing here looking back, one year later, amazed at how all of these experiences culminated into the present I know today.

I was always entertained by how, when you select which house to lead at the very beginning of the game, Rhea responds with “Your heart has made its choice.” My reply is always: “Yes... yes, it certainly has.” Maybe in some alternate timeline, it is true that this path was a choice I consciously made for myself. But in my current reality, that is not the case. Somehow, my heart makes its own choices independent of the thoughts in my head, and this particular choice is just one river joining the flow of time that continues to sweep me along.

My recurring nightmares never stopped entirely, but they significantly declined in frequency and severity. Moreover, for once, I even recalled a few good dreams I had: those, for me, are rare. I can count on one hand the number of such dreams in which Dimitri unquestionably appeared. One in particular sticks out in my memory to this day. I think of it whenever I have to negotiate with my estranged mother and I resort to perhaps unnecessarily diplomatic, emotionally distant and yet affable language; when I converse with someone about  how it is crucial to discern when to change what is unacceptable and when to simply accept it anyway, even if--especially if--when the thing in question is something about yourself; when I keep in mind that, as much as I’d like to care for others until all of their needs and wants are met, because it brings me joy to see them happy as much as it pains me to see them hurt, there are times when I have to care for myself first, or else I will have none of myself to give.

Oddly, or perhaps, just as it should be, this dream did start out more like a nightmare. I recall feeling very anxious. But the difference this time was that Dimitri was there. Though I seldom experience such vivid sensations in dreams that I still remember them after I wake up, this time, the physical contact our bodies made as we embraced felt real.

“Dimitri,” I murmured, though I didn’t know why, “I’m so scared.”

His response, in perfect tune with the sound of his voice in the game:

“It’s all right. I’m here. Even when I’m not by your side, I’ll always be with you.”

[miniwolfsbane]

JWCC Sammy Gutierrez and body positivity

THIS IS VERY LONG! (I just have a lot of feelings!) Also, this is personal and doesn’t talk a lot about Sammy and is just one big rant. 

Comment I wrote on the S2 preview “Also, shout out to the creators for making Sammy heavy, but it not effecting or having anything to do with her character. OR have her be obsessed with food. I'm sure other 90s kids remember the fat kid trope. Not doing fat logic, but we've come so far from the old days! As a woman who had that kind of body type growing up (had skinny friends, developed early, etc. it all was uncomfortable for many reasons. Long story.), it's amazing to see this kind of...semi-body positivity that's quiet and unspoken in a show aimed at everyone, including girls.  If I had seen this character at 13, my mind would've been blown. Kudos!!”

I’m reeeally tired and getting to that point where I get emotional about stupid stuff. However, this isn’t that stupid...maybe? 

We’ve reached a milestone, a kind of apex in American society, where being fat is no longer a running gag and it’s celebrated to be thick and/or a healthy weight. (Not to say skinny isn’t cool and it’s sure as heck better than carry 90+ pounds if it can be helped, but, as I said on Youtube, lots of 90s fat tropes were had, were they not? Every body type has their problems, blessings, and issues.) But, health is also a big issue and losing weight is too. I’m all for losing weight, but I also know what it was like growing up a fat kid, then a fat teenager in the 90s and 2000s when we didn’t have representation and people like Tocorra Jones, Melissa McCarthy,  Ashley Graham and Rebel Wilson around to promote different body shapes and/or being a little heavy or curvy while still being healthy. (Melissa and Rebel have lost weight and I applaud them full circle!)

Anyway, It is downright uplifting to see Sammy in JWCC like this! Being “thicker” than her two female friends doesn’t slow her down or hinder her in anyway. She is not obsessed with food. She is not constantly eating. Likewise, she has an actual personality and an interesting secret and backstory. The fans seem to love her. She is not dressed immodestly and she doesn’t seem to have ANY negative opinions of her body type, for now. Likewise, in a fast paced show like this, no one is talking behind her back about her weight or eating habits (again, for now. This could change in upcoming seasons, we don’t know.) Come to that, she’s fairly intelligent and isn’t dumb. Like, how many times have we seen a fat, dumb person in a show. (I’m looking at you Chris Griffin and Cleveland Jr!) This could’ve gone SO SIDEWAYS in her character creation any number of ways and I’m just amazed it didn’t. However, this maybe is attributed to the show being an action show and not a comedy? In any case, I’m so glad girls of this generation can see it. I wish I’d had it at their age. (It’s probably because her VA is heavy, but heavier than how Sammy is portrayed, to my knowledge. I’ve only seen her years ago on Disney channel.  Who cares why? It happened and I’m glad.) Please be assured, I’m NOT trying promote fat acceptance, just inclusivity, relatability, and representation. 

Like I say all the time, I’m not super heavy. I never was. As I said in the comment, I developed early and had mostly skinny friends growing up. I remember being about 11 and hosting my first sleepover and someone pointing to my arms at my stretch marks, asking what they were. I wasn’t traumatized and they didn’t tease me, but I was a little (a lot?) self-conscious. Like, can we please get the idea out of our head that ONLY pregnant women get stretch marks?? (Cocoa butter companies, hello?!) They can happen to girls that grow tall fast or, like me, you can have them all freaking over because the puberty button in your brain got stuck. (LOL?) And calling them cute things like skin lightning doesn’t really help. My limbs and body still look weird.

I don’t remember seeing many characters shaped like me in shows as a kid or teenager.  Unless maybe Simpsons characters with their pudgy bellies who may be some of the most average, realistic bodies in all of fiction, really. We can’t all be supermodels and body builders. Sailor Moon girls were all thin and leggy. None of the Magic School Bus kids were pudgy, all average and healthy (which is probably a good thing in a way. IDK. Representation is great, but so is promoting healthy eating and healthy shapes. Everything has their place.)  Disney characters were mostly animals at the time, and I didn’t see Recess until Highschool or something at 3 am, and even then, there was only Mikey. Mikey was progressive, but he wasn’t female. Closest I got was Ariel’s (Little Mermaid) sister, Adella ( https://littlemermaid.fandom.com/wiki/Adella) and even then, she had no belly and never animated the same outside of the series with not much character development or anything.

Cassie from Animorphs might’ve been a close second, but, though she was my favorite female character as a kid (not anymore), it was hard to say “OMG, she’s shaped like me!” as it was a book series with few visual aides outside of covers, posters and some toys. 

I remember seeing the singing group Cherish for a few seconds on TV once. A bunch of thick, busty, heavy black girls and I was SO EXCITED because for those few seconds on TV, there were girls that looked like me! Then some years later I found out a few of them lost weight and I was like bleh. (I didn’t follow their music or anything, not even sure how I saw them again.) Not that disapprove, health is essential, and I encourage people to lose weight for themselves, but it was nice having some representation. Except health needs to come first. It’s a two-edged sword if I ever saw one.

Don’t get me started on the sheer amount of girls with small/flat chests on TV. (No offense! See above about body types. Again, it’s about representation and seeing someone that looks like you that was not common in the 90s and early 2000s) I’m picky though. I wanted to see more representation, but the minute I saw it, I was not impressed or annoyed. To my better judgement, I saw a few episodes of something I won’t name with a curvy lead. I found her times dressing up as a man unconvincing and confusing because of her body shape. Other times I was, for lack of a better word, slightly appalled at her own size, even though she somewhat looked like me. I know, it makes no sense. Other times, I was mad at Lizzy Mcguire or another show for having skinny characters with A-cups while I was, er, way past training bras and smaller bras by 14/15 when the show was new.

Swearz, I developed (pun not intended!) this weird conspiracy theory that Disney execs have to look at the Star’s mom and other women in their family before casting a girl to make sure she stays thin/average chested for the shows entire run. Outside of one show, all shows in that era had the same thin girl body type. (And not much representation for different races for Disney back then, but that’s another debate for someone to better handle, not me.) 

All that said, my shape was attributed to four things: Diet, genetics, lack of exercise and my mom’s cooking. Not sure how much I subscribe to the “genetics effect body fat theory”, but the “genetics effect body shape” is definitely a thing! And hormones in chicken. My family said all I ever wanted when I was little was McDonald’s chicken nuggets all the time, so I think that had some play in how I turned out. It’s probably too much to get into here, and no one cares about my sob story, so let’s move on.

Sammy is awesome and I hope to see more characters like her from other studios in the future. Every body type needs representation, but every body also deserves to be healthy and nourished.

EDIT: WARNING: THE VIDEO AND  THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS TALK ABOUT ED AND CALORIE RESTRICTION!!

OMAHGAWWWD! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ROTTEN IN THE INDUSTRY, Y’ALL!! (Okay, that’s obvious, but you don’t really give it thought in your day to day life.)

The video gives a summary of Jenette McCurdy’s time on iCarly and the horrors she’d been going through in her younger years, which included an eating disorder and restricting calories to an (alleged) 900. Dear lord, that is sickening.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCE1x_chT34

Granted, I would take this with a small grain of salt as it’s from the internet, and undoubtedly, many actresses, probably more than we realize, have ED’s. If they would start encouraging them to be at healthy weights, things like this wouldn’t happen. Frick Nickelodeon and frick the acting industry!! 

So, this was what I was trying to convey. Casting and producers need to find that middle ground. Don’t promote fact acceptance, but do not force your actors/actresses to be stick thin either.  I could go on a huge tangent, but I don’t have the brain power right now. If you have an ED or know someone that does, I strongly encourage you to get help. I’ve been in tight spots like that (I knew of people or knew people), but getting REAL help from a doctor, professional, or someone with a good head on their shoulders is better than hiding it or keeping it secret. Ten years down the line, you’ll be thankful you did and not have regret. No one is perfect, but sometimes you have to fight harder to find a solution and someone that will actually listen to you and take your concerns to heart. 

If I get negative comments, I’ll be deleting this and no one will be able to enjoy it. Think before you type and don’t be a jerk.

[charmspoint]

3,5, 14, 17 for the fic ask game?

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

Not anything that I'm writing right now, no, but that's mostly cuz I usually get more inspired by art or music. When I read other peoples fics, especially when its fics i like, I usually don't feel the need to write anything similar cuz like...I already got what I wanted. And with fics that arent what I wanted and I think can be done better I usually dont stick around long enough to forge an idea around them ghvghvh I have very limited time for fics so im p picky about what I read.

While writing this I remembered one fic that DID inspire me cuz it hard really great atmosphere and magic feel to it and even though I didn't have a concrete idea I wanted to write something with a similar feeling so I went to look for it but it seems it got deleted and I can't remember who the writer was FUCK

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

I genuinely leave really fast if I see descriptors used too much to identify people like u know 'the tall man' or 'the ravenette', like I can stand a one or two during a chapter but when people open with it and just keep em coming I'm very quick to leave, it's just something that breaks my immersion a whole lot.

There's also like something I can't quite describe like general writing quality. You can usually tell when a person isn't quite there yet because their writing is too clumsy or they linger on weird things or something. But then there are fics that are obviously written by someone who just started, like they are a lil awkward and clumsy but they have the IT factor. To throw in a lil rec that was Bagatelle No.25 in A minor for me. You can tell the writer is new and not really sure how to go about some things but WOW did they manage to capture me in the second half like it hasn't updated in a good while but I still hope it will because I'm very eager to see this writer develop. I think they have a lot of potential.

Also like something that won't bring me out like first chapter but does in longer fics is when things just take...so fucking long. Like I've read fics that take paragraphs to describe outfits and meals and I can't I just can't. That might be fun for some but it's just boring to me hvhvh ;;;; Some fics just feel very dragged out, like something an author could have said in less words is stretched out into more to meet a word count, you can really feel when a scene just drags on and I will usually drop fics that don't show improvement with that even if i initially enjoyed them cuz, like i said, my time is limited and I don't fancy spending it on being bored. I believe in giving a scene a time it needs and cutting out what doesn't work or slows down the pacing. That's why my chapters tend to vary by length from like 4-10k :I HVGGHVGH I don't want to stretch them out for the sake of stretching them out and I don't want to constrain them to a set word count either.

But as I said I'm this strict only cuz I don't have much time so being mega picky is the only way I read fics rn.

14. Do you have a personal word minimum that you hold yourself too? Why or why not?

Ah, I answered this in the last one kinda, but no not really. I just kinda go with the flow of the fic and see how it turns out. Sometimes its 2k sometimes its....30k...

Chaptered fics are a lil different, I usually write the first chapter free range and then feel the need to have every following chapter be AT LEAST that length. But as I said, what's important is quality over quantity so I'm not afraid to cut out stuff that just doesn't work, even if it makes me go bellow that count. The most important thing for me is that the chapter works, that it reads easy, that it doesn't feel like a drag or like footnotes. The wordcount is in service of that not the other way around.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

JHJKHBJ >.< a lot. I def refresh my page a lot of times, especially if I wrote something I'm p proud of. I'm always really excited to hear what people have to say and if they liked it. I wouldn't be posting my work if I didn't want people to interact with it. But also I'm always nervous about making dumb spelling mistakes right after I post :) I fuckin found a few after rereading my fics like months later it's embarrassing

writing asks

[pocket-void]

Hi Mock!

I wish you a good morning! (It's currently 8:30 am here and I hope you are asleep wherever you are because healthy sleep schedules and all that!) 🌻

I just found out that you write, too, and I've read "A cup of coffee" and honestly, is there something you can't do? Because that was really great! I enjoyed reading it so much!! And I love your Logan in it!

And can I ask: where so you get the motivation to do all this great stuff? Drawing, writing, school? Like, I have like 5 different writing projects screaming at me because I don't work on them and yesterday I outlined yet another fic that I'll probably never write because I just don't have the motivation and - how do you do it? Because I want to write. It's the best thing in the world to me. But I just can't get myself to do it, and when I do, everything I make feels kinda... not good. Ugly, if you will.

So I guess I just want to know what I can do to get myself away from that? Because I really need to write, I'll go insane otherwise O_o

Anyway, have a wonderful day and eat a cookie!! 🌼

Y’all who can format stuff in asks will never cease to bamboozle me. O///o

But hello!! I believe it’s the afternoon where you are now! ^\\\^ (Not to worry, if there’s one thing I try to get enough of it’s sleep!)

Heidhwkfns Yes I write too but it’s incredibly on and off since I’m not as confident with it and it takes much longer than art! >\\\< I 100% want to write more often tho, but my need to accomplish stuff just finds art less time consuming. I’m really glad you like “A Cup of Coffee” because I’m quite happy with how that one turned out! ^\\\^ (And also just genuinely surprised at how many people enjoyed it) So thank you!! ;///;✨💖

So, here’s the thing. I’m just a normal person, just like anybody else! There are days where I have 0 motivation to do anything, and days where I’m way too motivated but still do absolutely nothing anyways lmao- I can’t say that my experience will work for everybody of course, but I can try to explain how I feel or how I work things out when I don’t feel like doing things. u///u

The first step is to forgive myself, because it’s going to be ok. There’s nothing wrong with having an off day, and nothing wrong with not accomplishing anything for now. There should be no guilt involved in not touching something for ages, god knows I’ve got so much in the “maybe later” idea box that I will never get to. But that’s ok! My creations will never blame me for not working on them, so in turn I promised to never blame myself for it either. And if I ever go back to complete one of them, great! But if not, that still doesn’t mean that it was a waste. Everything you make has value, finished or not.

The second is to remember that I love them. I love them a lot. I love creating, I love art, I love writing, and I love the process behind them! What you write and create will never complain if they are “not the best” or “ugly”. Their value comes from how you feel about them. Nobody else’s imput matters. So what if it’s not great? So what if it’s a mess? My terrible crayon drawing from when I was 4? Love it. Still has my whole heart. They’re on my bedroom wall to this day! (Neatly framed and hung, courtesy of my dad) I ask myself why I sat down to do something in the first place, and the answer is always going to be because I love doing it! Everything I make means something to me, no matter how bad or how small. Because at the end of the day, I made something. And it’s all the reason I need to love it.

It doesn’t matter if this doodle looks bad or this draft makes literally no sense because even if it’s not good, I did it. Even if I feel like I’m going nowhere, I know that each creation is a small step in my long long journey of improvement. It might not seem like that sometimes, like everything we do doesn’t really seem like it’s getting better any time soon, but we can never tell unless we keep doing it right? Instead of being upset that I’m not very good now, I decided to try and look forward to how good I eventually will be. I find that prospect exciting! We never know how much we grow until we get there, it’s like a happy surprise! ^\\\^✨And in the meantime, I am allowed to be perfectly happy with what I already can do. How far I’ve already come. Even if other people tell me otherwise, even if it’s true that it’s not very great, who’s to say that I will always be? Not me, that’s for sure.

I am willing to be patient for the sake of what I do, because I am willing to do it for an eternity.

There is no race in doing what I love, because I am the only one on this path. I can see other people on their own paths too! And sometimes they’re faster and have way better stamina than me, but their final destination is ultimately going to be much much different than mine, even if we’re going in a similar direction. So there is no point in trying to match them; I decide to walk at my own pace. It’s much easier for me this way. Take breaks! Drink some water. We’ve all got our places to go. ^\\\^

Third thing about getting things done is, well, getting it done! Do you know how I wrote “A Cup of Coffee”? I pain stakingly stared at it all day with frequent breaks in between, read it a ridiculous amount of times until it didn’t sound like english, and had text to speech read it back to me a couple more times just so I could make sure, because I really really really wanted to finish it. And it probably was kind of messy, hahaha. >\\\<

I’m not suggesting you do what I did btw, because it’s not even how I always write things! My other story “Table for Two” was written under a much different context. For that one, I wrote parts of it on different days. I took walks thinking about how I’d word things, how I’d imagine the scene going, and how I should pace sentences. I actually deleted the entire first paragraph and started over a few times because it didn’t sound right. Then one afternoon I decided that I wanted this story done. So I sat down and did what I could, edited a few things afterwards, and tentatively showed it to a friend. I didn’t edit it much after that, but it was done!

If I learned anything from highschool, it’s that doing something imperfectly is better than not doing it at all. I’m still a pretty picky perfectionist and a terrible procrastinator, and it’s not easy! But I would much prefer something I make to be “messy but complete”, rather than “pretty good so far but not finished”. Personally for me, getting started is the hardest part of doing anything. I have yet to find an easier way to do it, but I know that sometimes I just need to sit down and do what I can to start writing. If a sentence sounds weird, I keep going, because I can come back to it later! But if a sentence doesn’t exist, I can’t fix that without, well, writing it. o///o So I consider that a start!

I definitely understand you when you say that you can’t get yourself to write because I currently kind of can’t either. >\\\< I have outlines that I won’t ever write, I have ideas that I’m not gonna get to, and I’ve got fics that I worry won’t be as good when I write them. But maybe today I’ll sit myself down and just write one sentence. Give it a title, make a document, and stare for a lil bit. Give it a beginning. Because for me, sometimes drawing the starting line somewhere helps. Maybe it can show me what direction I need to go in just a little bit clearer. u///u

At the end of the day, the thing I say all the time is enjoy what you do. It’s just genuinely the most important part of doing anything to me. Yes it can be hard and sometimes we worry about how it’s gonna be, but we still do it don’t we? We come back and try again because we love it. Because we really can’t live without it. So what’s wrong with just...doing it?

That’s how it is to be a creator for me, I suppose. And from one to another, I genuinely wish you the best of luck on your journey!!

After all, there will be no other quite like it. u///u💖✨