#I would like some bicycle horn

[sluttery-withoutshame]

Would you like a little bicycle horn?

Would you like a little bicycle horn.

Would. You. Like. A. Little. Bicycle. Horn.

[gravehags]

dance of the seven veils

Pairing: Aether x f!Reader (Ghoul Bicycle Reader)

Rating: EXPLICIT MDNI

Tags: ghoul rut, possessiveness, delirious fucking, ghoul knots, cirrus being a real one, aether beating that pussy up, biblical reference

Words: 1,972

Summary: The way you're moving your hips right now before him he'd do anything for you.

a/n: I WROTE AN ACTUAL FIC LMAO YAYYY i wasn't expecting to revisit the ghoul bicycle series in full fic form but what do you know. will probably do some of the other ghouls/ghoulettes rut/heat fics as well. because why not.

~~~

You look delicious.

Cumulus has you at the center of the living room, barefoot on the rug while he, Cirrus, and Rain watch. Your shirt is off and the bralette you wear is practically see-through. There’s a flush on your cheeks as you grin at the ghoulette before you who places her hands on your hips.

“You have to isolate your hip movements. Don’t just shake your ass, become aware of your abdominal muscles and how they shift.”

“I’m trying, ‘Lus! This is my first time belly dancing, give me a break!”

Cumulus gives you a faux-stern stare before matter-of-factly grabbing the waistline of your sweatpants and yanking them down to expose your belly. You burst out laughing and Aether’s brain is flooded with images of you in a myriad of positions, dripping and aching for him and him alone. Frustrated, he rubs at the base of his horns as his pants grow tight and Cirrus looks over at him with some concern.

“You good, Aeth?” she murmurs out of the corner of her mouth, and he’s thankful for her discretion.

“Yeah,” he whispers back, hoarse, “it’s uh…that time of the month.”

Cirrus’ eyes dart back and forth between him and you gyrating with your hands above your head, head thrown back in delight. A regular Salome. A bead of sweat slides down Aether’s temple and she nods.

“It’s only gonna get worse if you don’t do something about it, hon.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

“She’s going to find out about it sooner or later. And out of all of us, you’re probably the best one to walk her through it.”

Aether scoffs and wipes his forehead.

“Don’t know about that, Cir. You have no idea the things I want to do to her right now.”

“Don’t I?” Cirrus smiles wanly, “I know what you’re like. And I also know she would go crazy for it.”

Aether grunts in response, eyes trained on the sway of your hips and the roll of your belly. Across the room, Rain says something that makes you double over laughing and he seethes with jealousy. When you straighten back up and make eye contact with him, smiling adoringly, he snaps. In an instant he’s up and striding the short distance to you and in one swift movement he bends down and slings you over his shoulder. You let out an undignified squawk as he storms from the room, the eyes of his packmates on his back.

Cirrus would explain.

He can hear you asking him questions but all he can focus on right now is getting you to your bed. When he finally reaches your room and opens the door it’s like a dam breaks within him. With a heavy thump he tosses you on the bed where you look up at him dazed and...was that arousal in your eyes?

“What the fuck was that about, Aether?”

You’re breathless, chest heaving. He must have one hell of a look on his face because you start scooting up the bed, creating some distance between the two of you. Before you can get too far though, he’s got you by both ankles and unceremoniously yanking your body back down towards him. You don’t squirm or fight to get away but instead peer at him with curiosity.

“Hey. Hey, Aeth. What’s going on?”

He squeezes his eyes shut hard enough that when he reopens them he sees stars.

“Has…has anyone else told you about ghoul ruts or heats?”

“Ruts? Heats? Like…like an animal?”

He’s definitely reading arousal in your tone now and his cock twitches in his too-tight pants.

“Yeah. Like an animal. Well my rut has started and if I’m entirely honest with you, all I want to do is stuff every hole you have with me and fuck you until it takes. You understand?”

Your jaw hangs open and your breath comes in uneven pants as you stare up at him before nodding.

“And…and all the others go through this?”

He nods as his hands slide up your calves and over your hips to reach the waistband of your pants.

“Do you want it?” The question is simple but he thinks if you say anything other than “yes” he’s going to lose his mind.

“Aether…unholy fuck yes, I want it. Come on honey, fuck me til I’m dripping.”

If his laughter in response is slightly crazed, you say nothing but grin back at him, lifting your hips so he can more easily undress you. You sit up and with a bit of finagling, manage to remove your bralette and fling it across the room. When he sees you fully nude, not for the first time but in a different light, his tail thrashes behind him and he drops to his knees.

“Thought–ah!” you gasp as he licks a stripe up the inside of your right thigh, “thought you were going to fuck me?”

“Oh, I am,” he smiles, lifting your thighs onto his shoulders, “but I need you nice and ready for me, angel. I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Your little noise of intrigue is cut off when he spreads your cunt with his thumbs and delves his tongue inside you. Normally he would revel in this, take his time, but if he doesn’t find some relief soon he’s going to go mad. 

“Aeth!” you breathe as his nose nudges your clit, “Fuck, honey that’s it.”

Steadily his tongue fucks into you, pausing only for a moment to lap and suck at your clit. When your hand flies to the base of his horns he lets out a growl and his hips rut upwards. He pulls away with a lewd noise and replaces his tongue with two of his thick fingers.

“Look at you taking me so well already, beautiful,” Aether pants as he pistons and scissors his fingers inside your cunt, “Just wait til you see what I have in store for you.”

Your laugh is delirious as he viciously brings you to your peak, knees clenching on either side of his head and your hole spasming around his digits. 

“Fuck, Aeth, fuck,” you moan, hips bucking against his hand, “Need you. Need your cock, please.”

In an instant he pulls away and pulls his shirt off over his head. His pants follow and when your eyes land on the reddened, swollen head of his cock as it bobs heavy in front of him, you let out a needy whine. The sound makes his head spin and without a second thought he’s upon you, mouth seeking yours. You continue to make sweet little noises into his kiss, sucking the taste of yourself off his tongue, as his hips jerk against you. He wants to delight in sliding his tongue against your hardened nipples and peppering the tender flesh of your breasts in dark bruises but more than anything he needs to be inside you. With a growl he pulls himself away from you, your lips chasing his and he leans back on his haunches, hand sliding along his cock. When he takes the head and runs it through your slit he almost keels over, the feel of your hot slick enough to end him.

“Well go on, Aeth,” you grin coyly at him, head cocked, “Fuck me until it takes. Just like you said.”

There’s a snarl on his lips as he spreads you open and with one swift movement, slams inside of you. Your back arches into him and he sets a rough pace as he grabs your ankles and folds your legs up as far as your body allows him. The new angle makes you cry out, chanting his name as he fucks desperately into you. He’s always gone a little mad when he’s inside you but when it’s like this? When you so eagerly accept and want him when he’s at his most feral? It makes his head spin.

“So beautiful like this,” he grunts, hips slamming into yours, “so perfect and so beautiful and all mine.”

You must enjoy the possessive nature of his words from the way your cunt clenches around him and he grins down at you with all his teeth. Your lips attempt to form words but the way he fucks the breath from your lungs makes speech almost impossible. Almost.

“Aeth!” you hoarsely cry out, “Yours. I’m yours. Make me yours.”

Your words, the way your body yields to his touch, the way you’re gazing up at him with your pupils blown drives his hips forward. He knows he has to be bruising you, will take care of you later but for now his rut is too powerful to stop. He can feel it coming, feel it building at the base of his spine and sliding through his stomach. He tries to warn you but doesn’t quite know how, not with the way you continue to squeeze around him.

“L-love,” he stutters, “gonna k-knot you. Gonna–fuck–”

In an instant he feels the base of himself swell and watches your eyes go wide before they roll back in your head. His thrusts become tight and shallow watching you stretch to accommodate him.

“Aether! Fuck!” you finally manage to cry out, “Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop.”

He wants to laugh and tell you he quite literally can’t but the way your walls clench and spasm around him when you cum drive him over the edge. With a roar he cums, rope after rope, inside you, filling you up as he presses your bent legs further up. His brain goes fuzzy after a while as he finally relents and allows you to relax, his body collapsing against yours. Your breath is shaky in his ear as you stroke his sweat-drenched back.

“Got you. I got you, honey,” you murmur, cupping his cheek. “You did so well.”

He must be coming back to Earth because that makes him snort.

“Shouldn’t I be telling you that?”

You smile.

“If you like,” you say before placing a sweet but quick kiss on his lips, “I think you might be crushing my chest cavity, though.”

“Sorry,” he groans, shifting your bodies so they could lie side by side, “The uh. Knot takes a little bit to go down.”

You make a little noise of interest as you run your fingers through his damp chest hair.

“Satan, we’re lucky to have you. How did we get so lucky?”

That makes you roll your eyes and scoff.

“You’re lucky to have me, right. As if I’m not the one with ten adoring lovers who care deeply about me and my well-being. You want to talk about luck? There’s never been anyone luckier on the planet, Aether. I would choose all of you over everything and everyone.”

His heart aches as you lean in and brush noses with him before pressing your forehead to his and holding it there. For a sweet moment the two of you are content to simply listen to one another’s breathing when Aether shifts his hips and his cock slides from you.

“Unholy fuck,” you breathe, pulling away from him and rolling back onto your back. When you spread your legs, a gush of his seed spills from you and drips on the bed sheets. The sight of your reddened cunt slick with his cum makes a growl bubble from deep in his chest and you look over to him.

“That’s fucking hot,” you murmur.

“My cum or the noise I just made?”

“Both, love, but let me recover for a moment, yeah? And then you can bring me ice packs for the next week.”

“Darling, let me have you again and I’ll bring you the head of John the Baptist.”

And he does have you again.

Three more times that evening.

No saintly head necessary, his Salome graciously deems.

[todorroki]

HEY GIRLS........ I'M DEAD (love sea ep 2 thoughts)

do you think mame watched kp and nodded to herself like "yes... exactly..." while rubbing her hands together because that's the only reasoning i can come up with for what we got today. anyways nothing too coherent will be said this week sorry. my mind is still [metal bar crash] [car siren] [truck horn] [glass shattering]

let's just say when i started this ep i was sitting upright on the sofa and by the 8 minute mark i was sliding down my seat, and by the time they got to the SHOWER? clutching the armrest, practically parallel to the seat cushion, scandalized as though i haven't been filtering by E on ao3 for years now. MY EYES! no warning full on horny beam blast to the brain. and i was wondering how they were going to measure up to their nc scenes in LITA. me to my past self: u know nothing. fool.

first line in is rak wondering about sex with mut like LMAO talk about setting the tone. i love this episode because the direction said absolutely no nonsense we're gonna dial up the horny right away and they're so valid for that. the tension was Chef's Kiss. when rak just went ahead and sucked on mut's finger i screamed (silently). mut's expression here is ME

tongrak's resistance is weaker than wet paper! what happened to don't go for him LMAO even the cockblocking seashell wound was forgotten by the time mut started sucking on his arm.

and MY GOD there was so much Tongue. OPEN YOUR MOUTH?????? HELLO??????? as someone who has greater-than-anakin levels of hatred for sand, i was not even CLOSE to thinking about the sand in this scene so hats off to fortpeat. drove the surrounding setting completely out of my mind. then the nc back in rak's room afterwards?? i was mentally screaming HEELLP! shooting terrified glances at the closed door by the tv hoping no one else in the house was awake because jesus peat was Moaning.. tongrak took ride dick bicycle SERIOUSLY! and fort's low "im expensive" and "woof" line delivery is PEEAK I SAY. SO GOOD. they've truly outdone themselves with this one. im practically speechless. and BEST BELIEVE IM REWINDING IT LIKE A MADMAN!!

this is Not the horny speaking btw, peat's face is so cute here. when his eyes go a little wide ↓

nc aside, the motorcycle ride is so cute. rak clinging onto mut with both arms like OKAY!! I SEE! mhm mhm olivia wilde nod

tiny break from our main couple- we get vimook this week!! even a forehead kiss and the preview for next week asking mook out?? wow we're moving fast!! side note: are those chanya's real tattoos? because the small flower one on her arm is pretty. also enjoying palm just popping up constantly out of nowhere. he's simply a chill dude.

i liked that scene at the restaurant a lot. both the scenery And the food on the table looked great. i think that was the first time mutrak actually have a nice, proper conversation with each other. and they were very sweet! we get mut's backstory, and a bit of rak's thoughts on his job.

now i have No idea if anyone else has this error, but when i watched ep2 on the iq app on my tv, there was a line of subtitle here right before rak says because it's fun, though there was no actual dialogue:

it was something along the lines of 'actually, it's an escape' which would match rak's line of thought in the book. but it doesn't show when i watch the episode on the iq website. not sure if they forgot to put the audio into the scene or what.

similarly, when mut texts kom in the scene afterwards, the iq site only has the punctuation while the tv app showed the texts' translation. same thing with some of tongrak's flashbacks at the end. i don't know if it's just on my end or anyone else has this problem! not surprised tho the eye kew site n tv app both operate terribly imo :-) why are the subs placed so high on the website :-) ui and ux nightmare :-)

my hatred for this corp aside, WE GET DIVING AGAIN THIS WEEK!!!!! i'm so excited to see the behind the scenes for this part. i love seeing the logistics of filming underwater. and because this one involves a panic almost-drowning scene, it must've been hell to film, especially if they had to do it more than once. really looking forward to it. the visuals so far in both episodes are killing it.

shoutout to fort in the wetsuit... he's so hot

i really like how they're slowly dropping rak's trauma in bits and pieces in these 2 eps. (and i know we're supposed to focus on the trauma, but my brain went 'omg peat with his hair down so cute' during that scene with rak's sister sorry). compared to mut, who spells out his past with ease because he's made peace with it, rak outright avoids talking about his problems.

also, i LOVE mut's character when he's being serious. any time fort's tone drops to talk lowly or softly, i ASCEND. please give fort more serious roles!!! he deserves them!!

and we end with the title drop tongrak mahasamut!

the ending song changing from rak by himself in the first ep to mut sitting with him in this ep is a nice touch! it's the little details.

overall, pacing for this ep was good. i love it more than ep1, though idk if my opinion is influenced by the nc frying my brain. also, the boy next world poster!! just in time for their workshop starting this week whoop whoop

as always, if you found this post and read til this point, thank you so much for your time! anyways, if you'll excuse me, i have to rewatch some uh parts of this episode again haha. my screenshot folder is um. quite filled. just like tongrak. alright im out.

[manda-kat]

I'm writing out an idea for a video game using my OCs from various projects and ideas and my roster is currently-

Moppet, my current fursona. The cutest widdle clown kitty in the whole wide world. She will obliterate you with her tail bell attack

Madi Kat- my older fursona and Moppet's big sister. She is angry and damage focused- a true button masher. The perfect choice for a little kid, but fairly easy to work around if you actually understand the game

Toxic- a really old OC from one of my first webcomics. She's a slime poison creature who's pretty edgy and dark. She sets sticky traps and poisons her opponents, so she would take some foresight and planning to play well

Panic- Toxic's twin brother I made much later than her. He uses vines like he's cthulhu and they're his evil tentacles. He and Toxic would actually be evil together since she needs time to prepare her devastation and he can hold opponents in place with vines

Shiba- a cute little shiba inu girl introduced in the same comic as Toxic! In this game she plays support- firing energy from her little gun that heals teammates and hurts opponents. She's pretty basic, but the basic idea of chasing teammates around and trying to keep them alive suits Shiba.

Dizzy the Frog- a character who debuted alongside Panic and is very lolrandom. She is very bouncy and mobile and uses bubbles as her mode of attack. She can trap you in a bubble and send you into orbit.

Speaking of bubbles- Suds is a soap cat who fires soap out of his tail. I don't remember why I made him. He can turn the battlefield into a slip 'n slide.

Pyra- the big, tough, business lady. She is a tank, summoning walls of fire and a flamethrower to push enemies away from her

Froster- Pyra's twin brother- is a glass cannon. His ice attacks freeze opponents in place and then he unleashes fury on them. As long as he doesn't let them hit him he's fine.

Foxley- Pyra's henchfox and her biggest simp. He is sneaky and can hide easily behind cover or other players. He throws cartoony bombs at people and keeps them at bay using his tommy gun.

The Cat- the villain from an edgy story I wrote as a kid who is now canonically Madi Kat, Moppet and Charmy's dad. He's an old school cartoon character with control over reality. He has a time slowing mechanic that lets him trap his opponents so he can approach with his shotgun. When his slow-mo runs out, he also has a teleport ability to escape.

Charmy- the son of the Cat, who pretends to be a rambunctious little scamp when in reality he is a horrible monster. He hits opponents with a baseball bat, knocking them away where he can then hit them with his slingshot from a distance.

Hippie Turtle- a character from the comics I made as a child before I had a phone. This turtle was my best joke back then. Hippie Turtle is a pacifist, so he can't attack. However, he can use his shell to reflect attacks back at his opponents. He can even attract projectiles to his location, then reflect them to their owners.

Super Silly- older than Hippie Turtle- this OC was from before I wrote comics because he was from before I could write! My very first original character, who is basically made of beads with a bicycle horn for a nose. Super Silly can detach his limbs, which lets him attack his targets without letting them close.

Ochi- my 800th OC, designed by you guys on tumblr! I made a post asking for ideas and you gave me her description! Ochi plays support, but also has flight powers and can fire shotting stars at her enemies.

Linnaeus- another old OC who has gone through a lot of changes. He's a cool spy lizard. In this game he's a sniper, using his ability to walk up walls (plus a grappling hook) to get to advantageous sniping locations.

Alph- another lizard- is support. He uses martial arts alongside his quick healing abilities. His high tech bo staff shoots lasers that can't be reflected back at him.

Cuvi- the girl lizard- is able to turn invisible since she's a chameleon. She's the perfect choice to sneak behind enemy lines.

Bosc- the last lizard- is a giant tank. He's an old fashioned brawler- liking it up close and personal. If you keep your distance, he'll just lunge at you to close the gap.

[joons]

As someone who knows very little about the Beach Boys but is curious, I would love to know all the tea on Mike Love.

"Mike Love isn’t just not rock … he’s actually in the red, like the anti-rock. He’s in rock debt and should spend his next life wearing golf pants and selling hairpieces." — Tony Hicks, Riff Magazine

A real article.

Let me take you on a journey.

Every Beach Boys fan starts to hate Mike Love as a joke, and then it gradually becomes real. (Mike Love defenders, I am truly sorry; you are the devil's strongest soldiers.) The traditional narrative is that when Brian Wilson (the eldest Wilson brother and de facto leader) stopped touring and began spending all his time writing music for the band, Mike Love (Brian's cousin, lead singer, lyricist) became worried that Brian would go off on his own and leave them behind. Mike had good reasons to worry; when the band came back from an extensive tour in Japan, Brian excitedly showed them what he had been working on: Pet Sounds. Widely considered their best album, and one of the best albums of all time, Pet Sounds is chamber pop music, with a wall of orchestral instruments and complex vocal harmonies, interspersed with really off-the-wall sounds, like bicycle horns and theremins, all in service of a "concept album" (the first ever such thing) about a young man entering adulthood and struggling to manage a relationship. Oh, and Brian had already recorded all of this with the Wrecking Crew (professional session musicians, who adored him), written all the lyrics with a new guy, Tony Asher, and then ushered the Beach Boys in to record the final vocals.

Mike Love was probably justifiably a bit peeved that Brian had just like ... done the thing without him and without the band, but that was Brian's job; that was the deal they had worked out when Brian decided he couldn't handle the pressure of touring anymore. Brian was already considered a savant composer at the time and the key to the Beach Boys' success; the Beatles adored his work, and he was in a constant battle to do something as spectacular as the Beatles were doing with albums like Rubber Soul. But when the band came back and got to hear the full thing (Mike was consulted on some of the lyrics beforehand), Mike was like, "This isn't us, this won't sell." (Other members had similar concerns, especially about having to recreate these elaborate orchestrations with a few guitars and drumkits on tour, but they trusted Brian.) The stressors between Mike and Brian continued when Brian started doing an even more ambitious album, Smile, using a really avant-garde lyricist who dealt in poetic imagery rather than concrete stories. Mike once again spent all the recording sessions whining about it and resisting any push toward psychedelic imagery. Legend has it he said something like, "Don't fuck with the formula" (of cars and girls and surfing), and basically shat all over what would have been the most innovative pop album of all time (purely from a production standpoint, it was a beast, needing to be constructed in tiny segments and then edited back together using analog recording equipment). It would have been, as Brian described it, "a teenage symphony to God."

Brian, being mentally fragile, did not do well with conflict like this, (he had already, with great struggle, gotten his father, Murry Wilson, fired as their manager, after Murry's abusive, controlling behavior made it impossible for them to record) and the disappointing reactions from the band and from the public toward Pet Sounds and Smile essentially killed his confidence, meaning that he soon retreated from being the band's leader and took less and less of an interest in writing. (He was more involved than popular imagination might think, but it was certainly a turning point in his creative output.) The pressure quickly became too much, and Brian, who was struggling severely with his mental health, shelved the entire Smile project. It was not released in any complete form until 2004, when Brian had the support around him (hint: not the Beach Boys) to let him put it into an acceptable shape and release a legendary lost piece of media. And it was incredible.

Now, at this point, most fans are like, "Aw, that Mike! Always sticking to the formula!" while acknowledging that he was right about how big of a risk these albums were. Points were made, and Pet Sounds didn't actually sell as well as their other stuff! Smile was very weird! Pet Sounds was so influential among rock musicians at the time (the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was a direct response to it), but it wasn't a commercial smash. And music does need to be somewhat concerned about the business side. So maybe some fans are like, "Well. We give Mike too much grief for this, Brian had to be responsible for his own confidence, this stuff happens, whatever."

But there's never really a moment where Mike Love is vindicated. He is never satisfied to be "right" about one thing; he must be right in all things. As you keep learning about him, you're like, "Mike is just an asshole."

Very famous picture of Mike and Brian. You can see the whole relationship here.

The main reason the clashes in '66-'67 are still a sore spot is because they're a microcosm of the decadeslong war for the soul of the band. In the 1990s, Mike wrested control of the Beach Boys name from the other surviving band members after the death of Carl Wilson, Brian's brother (a saint, a diplomatic soul who kept the band together when they would otherwise be at each others' throats). This gets into complicated legal weeds, but basically Mike won the rights to tour as "the Beach Boys" even though he only toured with one other member. All of the members share in the profits but are not allowed to do their own tours with the name. Brian had no interest in touring with him at the time, and neither did Al Jardine, another surviving member, but Mike went after Al for touring as "Beach Boys Family & Friends" and successfully sued to prevent any of the other boys from doing anything similar. At the same time, he excluded them from working with him on the official tour. He has kept the band in stasis, rarely playing songs beyond the 1962-1966 eras, and keeping the band's image as a good-time surfing group, when they are so much more, and it grates that they are not more known for how musically significant and groundbreaking they were (I count the entire band's contributions in this, not just Brian, as many of them are great songwriters in their own right and did wonderful production work in the late '60s and early '70s). Mike stands athwart that deserved legacy because he finds it difficult to share the spotlight, and his contributions in the later years were simply not good. Mike isn't solely responsible for the Beach Boys being classified as a nostalgia act; that impression began when Capitol Records, their first label, put out a greatest hits album that sold far more than anything new the band was making in the early '70s. But Mike leaned into that, and instead of capitalizing on renewed interest by showing how the band had grown, Mike wanted to show that the band was exactly how you remembered them.

He is also known for being bizarrely abrasive at times, to the detriment of the band's reputation. When they were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1988, Mike interrupted Brian's sweet statement and wound up going on a ramble lambasting other Hall of Fame members for suing each other (THIS IS DRAMATIC IRONY) or for not "showing up" for that year's event because they've "always been chickenshit to get onstage with the Beach Boys." I have never been able to get through this video in one sitting, I have to stop because the secondhand embarrassment is too much.

ELTON JOHN: Thank FUCK he didn't mention me!

He later blamed his tirade on not meditating that day.

In the 1990s, Mike began to sue the other members for damn near everything. While Mike was somewhat justified in regaining songwriting credits from the Beach Boys' early work (Murry Wilson had something to do with wanting to keep the credits for the Wilson brothers), he went on to claim that Brian including a picture of the Beach Boys in the album sheets for his version of Smile "damaged" the image of the band. Jesus wept. He also sued Brian for how he was portrayed in a (to be fair, mostly ghostwritten and bad) memoir without having read it.

The surviving members of the Beach Boys reunited in 2012 for the band's 50th anniversary. They put out a new album (it was great!) and toured together for the first time since the 1990s. David Marks, an early member who left during the first year, was invited back to play with them. It was healing to see them together and genuinely enjoying performing. Audiences were thrilled. Brian Wilson and Al Jardine both expressed how excited they were to keep it going, not just as a one-time anniversary tour but something they could conceivably do year after year, healing the split between Mike's band (with Beach Boy Bruce Johnston) and the tours that Brian and Al did together. But before any of that could be worked out, Mike just ghosted them, along with David. He announced that the tour was going to go on without them without doing a joint release. Brian and Al wrote a freaking letter to the editor stating they hadn't been told. So it's definitely another "Mike is why we can't have nice things" moment. He has described his exclusive ability to tour as "my nourishment and my revenge," framing it as a way of recovering lost royalties after being cheated out of songwriting credits for a long time, even though he was already awarded monetary compensation for that. In actual fact, he just cannot handle being upstaged.

Some other things that Mike gets flak for: getting obsessed with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Transcendental Meditation movement, writing songs exclusively about the concept and trying to turn the Beach Boys into an official Maharishi touring group; overclaiming writing credits for his small contributions to certain songs; playing for Trump's campaign events; playing for a trophy hunter guild (these last two in spite of public disavowals from Brian and Al). There are probably other, more private things that I don't think are necessary to get into. None of the band members have completely clean hands in how they've treated one another. What sets Mike apart is that he makes it public and cannot move on.

Everyone has a different breaking point with him, I think. For me, it's his continued digs at Brian, particularly relating to Brian's mental illnesses. Even extending some grace to him for dealing with difficult working conditions as some of the band members spiraled, I cannot excuse how disgusting his language is and how much he clearly wants to erase the empathy and love people have for Brian, with whatever tool he has at hand.

For context, Brian Wilson was locked into an unspeakably abusive conservatorship with his psychologist, Eugene Landy, for a decade, up until 1991. The abuse involved improper prescription treatment that continues to affect Brian to this day. (He is lucky it did not kill him.) I don't even like to think about it much because it's so dark, but Landy controlled what Brian could eat, what he sang, and who he could talk to. He sold off Brian's publishing rights and represented him in public and corporate matters. Thanks to a longtime fan and music journalist, David Leaf; Brian's future wife; and intervention by the family (who had been cut off from communicating with Brian), he was given control of his own life again and eventually properly diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. He has gotten to lead his own life again, making music that helps him deal with auditory hallucinations and depression, and working with who he wants to.

With that background, it's absolutely fucked for Mike to say this:

"He’s not in charge of his life, like I am in mine. His every move is orchestrated and a lot of things he’s purported to say, there’s not tape of it. But, I don’t like to put undue pressure on him, either, because I know he has a lot of issues. Out of compassion, I don’t respond to everything that is purportedly said by him. I’ve noticed where he says he really regards me as his greatest writing partner and that he loves my voice. Even on the 50th (anniversary tour), he made it quite clear he really liked watching me do my thing while he was at the piano. So, there’s a lot of positivity there.” (X)

So many layers there. He's so comically up his own ass, but the things he says about Brian upset me so much. He's so vile for no reason. Even if this were a criticism of Brian's PR or legal team, he could say so, instead of using Brian's past abuse to brush aside his opinions. He always does this thing where the Wilsons' addictions and illnesses are the result of bad choices, while he's never done anything wrong and was victimized by them. It's so infuriating, but it's also hard to get too upset with him because he's genuinely blind.

The thing about Mike is that he's so ... bad that he's fun to hate. Is he truly the worst person in the world? No. But is he actually the worst person in the world? Yes. His terribleness makes me laugh. That might have more to do with the cerebral way Beach Boys fans cut Mike Love clips, but goddamn, it gets me. (Beach Boys fans have had to deal with an awful lot of kitsch against their will, and I think this is their way of coping.)

LISTEN TO THIS MANIAC, I AM WHEEZING AT WORK.

(It's so crazy, he even added in that psychedelic riff at the end of the video! That's not in the song! It's just to emphasize how weird he thinks "Good Vibrations" is and how much he has to "apologize" for it. What is happening. Even when he is "joking," there's such a dark energy about it.)

In conclusion:

A real article. "His memoir leaves him neither vindicated nor convincingly tolerable as a human being."

[a-b-o-v-eg-r-o-u-n-dr-a-d-i-s-h]

I loved @krikeymate’s idea of Sam having a squeaky toy that I expanded a bit on it of where it came from and the other toys she’d have.

Chad and Mindy would eventually find out about Sam destroying the pillow and the chew toys Tara got her. So as a joint gag birthday present they bought her a bunch of dog toys; a spiked ball, tug of war rope and some squeaky toys (a fire truck that sounds like a bicycle horn, and a stuffed duck that quacks). Sam says that she jokingly hates the twins and their presents but they all know that she’s teasing and loves them. Sam’s favourite is the duck since it’s soft she can bring it to bed with her and if she happens to fall asleep with it at least they’re not sleeping on the hard plastic of the fire truck.

She enjoys now how she can play with the Core 4 during full moons. She plays catch with Chad since he has the best arm among them but never returns the ball back to him. Making Chad chase after her, telling her to “drop it, drop the ball” and “come here.” It never works and when he does ask Tara for help Sam will always give the ball to her, even if asked to give it back to Chad just to spite him.

Sam always manages to convince Mindy with her best puppy dog eyes to play tug of war with her. She’s always gentle pulling at the rope because she knows she stronger than her, but it always evolves into Core 4 vs Sam. More often than not Sam let’s them win, their arguments and teasing about how “you’re not even trying” and “pull harder, we’re almost winning” always entertains her.

Sam usually lets Tara be, waiting for her to join on her own volition or when she asks Sam to do something with her, not wanting to be the one to trigger her asthma with her excitement to play. Tara understands why Sam does this, so she lets her have playtime with the Twins first before asking if they can go on a run together. Sam’s always eager and excited to go for a run with Tara on her back, able to share something with her sister even if it’s just running around. Tara goads and eggs on Sam to go faster or daring her to jump over something, in hopes of tiring her out. After their run Tara gives Sam the fire truck to chew on as they all doze and nap curled into Sam.

[rhetoricalrogue]

Having thoughts about the Astrid, Tony, Markus trio and how I’d fit them into Astrid’s story

Markus would be Normal and send a small, tasteful vase of flowers congratulating Astrid on her promotion to Detective. Tony sent 12 dozen boxes of doughnuts to the office. Everyone had a field day eating them, but they had to share half with the fire department next door

Tony being the one to sense that Something Was Wrong because as part fey he can sense when someone is lying and Astrid has *never* lied to him (small ones everyone does without thinking, sure, but never outright lies) in all the years that he’s known her, but when he asked her how work was going in their regular weekly phone calls, she was telling some huge ones.

“So she knows about the supernatural world now. We should tell her about us.” and panic over if their best friend since forever will reject them or not. This is mostly from Tony, but Markus has that fear too

“So you’re a werewolf? Is it a social faux pas to ask if I can scritch you behind the ears?” (Spoiler: Astrid takes it all in stride and even goes “this explains SO MUCH about you both.”)

“I cannot believe you hid this from me.”/“we didn’t mean to…”/“I mean, you spilled the beans on my surprise birthday party when I turned 21 because you said I looked at you funny, but you can keep THIS quiet for this long?”

Astrid picking up Sir Cashew and looking him dead in the eyes “if you turn out to be some middle aged gnome in cat form whose litter box I’ve been cleaning for the past five years, I’m going to scream.” and Cashie just giving her a confused sounding honk because he just looks like he should be some otherworldly being but he’s actually just a cat that has ears and legs too long for his body.

There is a very big cuddle pile in the Facility’s hospital room when they find out Astrid almost got used as a Capri-Sun and how she beat Murphy’s face in with some rebar after practically biting his nose off a few hours previous. If Markus and Tony hadn’t already designated her as the group badass years ago, she would have gotten that title then.

Markus being cool with Unit Bravo because his little sister Penny is in Unit Charlie. Tony not trusting them at all and even less after Astrid got kidnapped and hurt. Tony also constantly missing bumping into his absentee grandpa Nicky in hallways by minutes and it not clicking with him that everyone greeting him with “hey, Morelli” was because he looks eerily similar to Nicky that they thought he was him and not because he figures that the Facility keeps tabs on all supernatural beings and that’s how they know his last name

Markus sneaking Cashew into the Facility hospital by tucking him under his shirt. Elidor sees right through it but pretends he doesn’t because he instantly fell in love with that broken bicycle horn/noodle mix of a cat the second he heard him honk for the first time.

[melanieph321]

*Honking firetruck horns!!* Another Lichantony fanfiction alert!!!

Lichantony - Don't Change Me

Summary - It's about the day Lisandro caught feelings for Antony as the two of them first met back when they both played for AFC Ajax

Hope you enjoy!

Lisandro heard about the new guy like everyone else did, through coach.

"Okay everyone, let's welcome Antony to our club. Compared to sunny Saõ Paolo, Amsterdam will be an adjustment for him, so everyone make sure that he feels completely at home."

He smiled and nodded shyly as coach had us stand around him and applaud. Once practice started he quickly glued himself to the other Brazilian in our team, Neres, and the two of them became inseprable from that the day forward.

Lisandro didn't think much of the new kid upon his first arrival to the Ajax team. He was scrawny but fast. He was indeed skillful with the ball, but right away Lisandro could tell that he was one of those Brazilians who loved to dribble, perhaps too much for his own good, but then again which Brazilian didn’t love to dribble?

"I'm twenty years old, how old are you?" Those had been Antony's first words spoken to Lisandro. Way to break the ice, he had thought. Perhaps Antony had wanted to see how much of his Portuguese Lisandro would understand.

"I'm twenty two." He had answered, but made sure to get on with practice as he didn't like wasting time. However, following their brief introduction, Antony had been at his heels ever since, as if the two of them were now friends. Sometimes he would ask for advice about the game and other times it would be private things, like where to get the best Brazilian food or which club the party would be at? And again, Lisandro didn't mind helping another teammate out who was settling into the club, God knows he had done so with Neres. Antony, however, was different somehow. He was more timid but still curious to learn things. Lisandro couldn't make sense of how those two traits worked alongside each other. It was obvious how Antony's passion for the game, forced him to overcome some of his timidness. Perhaps that's what drew Lisandro in, the fact the two of them seemed to share the same amount of passion for the game. But there would come a day where more than just the passion for the game drew Lisandro towards Antony.

It was during one of their training sessions, where all the players and coaches went on a bike ride along the green hills that surrounded the area. I guess Antony and Neres had been goofying around on their bicycles whilst the other players had gotten ahead. One of the assistant coaches noticed that the two of them were missing and sent for Lisandro to go fetch them. He cursed the club for making him act as a babysitter just because he understood Portuguese. He had vowed to give the two of them a tounge lashing, but hesitated once he arrived to see two bikes laying in the middle of the road and Neres sitting croached down in front of Antony who was holding onto his foot and squinting his eyes in pain.

"What happened?" Lisandro said, rushing to the scene, tossing his own bike and helmet to the side.

"I think it's his foot." Neres said.

"Go and get coach and I'll see if I can wrap it up before it gets swollen."

Neres nodded and got on his bike, disappearing down the road.

"Move your hand so I can see." Lisandro said to Antony, who was still holding onto his hurting foot.

"That's twisted alright." He said at the sight of Antony's ankle. The skin was red and he could tell that swelling was coming on.

"I'm going to wrap it up with my shirt, okay." It was the only way Lisandro could think of since he didn't carry a bandage with him. Antony didn't seem to mind. By the looks of it, all he wanted was for the pain to end so Lisandro stripped himself of his shirt. It was in the middle of the summer so it wasn't cold. Antony let go of his foot to let Lisandro wrap it but as soon as Lisandro came anywhere near the foot he started squirming in pain.

"Don't be silly,  I'm almost done." Lisandro's words of comfort wasn't for the faint-hearted, however it did make Antony stop squirming in pain. Instead he bit down on his bottom lip and let himself fall back on his elbows whilst Lisandro finnished wrapping his foot.

"Thanks brother." Antony sighed in relief once it was over.

"I'm not your brother." Lisandro snorted. A bit silly of him he'll admit. However if Antony hadn't been goofying around with Neres this wouldn't have happened.

"Sorry " Antony mumbled.

"Hey, you okay?" Lisandro had sat down beside him but quickly leaned in to let Antony support himself as his face was getting paler and his breathing a bit unstable.

"I'm just a bit tired." He said, slurring on his words.

"Hey, hey, hey. Come on, stay with me." He said shrugging Antony's shoulders a little. "If you hit your head it's better to stay awake than to go to sleep."

Antony chuckled weakly. "How come you know everything Licha?"

"I..." something tightened within Lisandro's chest as Antony said this, said his name with such careful and admiration. Licha, was people's usual nickname for him, but moving from Argentina to Ajax he seldom heard it as much.

"Just don't fall asleep while we wait for the others to return." He had mumbled.

"Okay."

They sat by the side of the road. Antony with his head resting against Lisandro's shoulder. He had even gone to hook his arm in the crook of Lisandro's, perhaps as not to tilt over. Lisandro didn't mind, however the intense beating in his heart became somewhat distracting. Despite being outside in the wild, he found the air getting tight in his lungs, forcing him to let out a cough or two just to clear his throat.

"You're getting sick."

Lisandro turned his head to see Antony reaching for the t-shirt tied around his ankle.

"Don't be silly, I'm fine." Once Lisandro realized what Antony was doing, he putt an end to it by resting his hand on top of his. To his surprise Antony turned over his palm, intertwining their fingers. And then they just continued sitting like that, overlooking the green hilled landscape, with Antony's head resting against Lisandro's shoulder and their hands clasped together on top of Antony's hurt ankle.

Later, they never spoke about that moment again. Or let's just say that Lisandro was thankful that Antony never brought it up again. But it had been a moment,  Lisandro was brave enough to admit this. The simple touch of Antony's hand had resulted in a terrifying fear within him, something that made Lisandro want to stay away from him forever. However, a part of him understood that it would be impossible, that from that day moving forwards, he was changed, perhaps not for the better, but he was simply changed. All because of some stupid Brazilian who loved to dribble too much for his own good.

[exanimateisacomic]

Levi was led outside by Reuben. It seems that he was offering a chance for them to improve their relationship.

They ended up at an abandoned warehouse district only a few miles from the house.

“So what- what are we doing here?” Levi asked as he went to sit down.

“Oh, we’re meeting some of my friends.” Reuben said with a smile.

Levi suddenly felt uneasy. “F-friends?” He repeated. “Oh, y-you did not say anything about friends.”

Levi then saw something dart past him quickly. He jumped as he tried to see what it was “uh-“

Suddenly he was shoved from behind off his seat and fell to the ground. “Oof”

Levi looked up and saw that there were now three other younger looking demons, similar to Reuben’s age. He cowered and looked at them with confusion.

“Oh-are these your f-friends?” He said with a worried smile.

“Yeah. Fellas, this is Levi. The guy who moved in with my folks. Levi, meet Justin, Dustin, and Austin.”

Levi raised his head and was easing a hand for them to shake “Nice to me-“

The taller one, Justin, delivered a steel toed kick to his stomach. Levi let out a groan and a shocked look spread across his face.

“So this is the fucker you were talking about?” Justin said

Reuben nodded. “Yep.”

The thinner one, Dustin, grabbed Levi by the arm to raise him up before punching him in the face. Levi let out an “ugh” before falling back down, tears now rolling down his face

Levi tried to talk “Reuben- why is this”

The shorter one, Austin, silenced him with a swift kick to his back.

The three continued to kick and punch him, reducing Levi to a sobbing bruised mess.

He laid curled up and tried to protect himself, but the punches and kicks kept coming.

At some point they stopped. Levi dared not to move in a vain effort that they think he’s dead.

He was wrong.

Suddenly, Austin grabbed him by his longer horn and dragged him towards a dilapidated wall and slams him against it, breaking Levi’s curled up pose and held him against the wall.

Justin reached into his jacket pocket, Levi noting that his hand was clad in a leather glove. He pulled out a closed switchblade knife, Levi could smell the oil used to live the hinge and-

His eyes widened in fear“W-wrought iron?” He managed to get out before getting punched again.

Reuben suddenly jumped from his sitting position “woah woah hey wait guys, I just wanted you to rough him up, what-“

Justin turned around and flicked the blade open in front of Reuben. “Listen you poser, you don’t know how much this freak goes for. He’s got a bounty on him that would set me-“

“Don’t forget us” Austin piped up, grinning menacingly. Dusting giving a nod in agreement.

Justin sneered at the, before turning back to face Reuben “-us up for the rest of our lives. And all it took was to hang out with a shit head like you.” He pointed the knife at him “With your shit head life, your shithead dad and your stuck up bicycle of a mo-“

Just then, Justin’s head exploded as a suppressed shot rang out.

Reuben jolted back as blood splattered on his face. He fell to the ground as he watched the lifeless body fall limp, the knife clattering on the concrete.

“What the fuck?!” Dustin yelled out just as another shot rang out, causing his neck to explode in a cascade of blood. He fell, choking on his own blood as he gurgled his remaining life away. Reuben looked on as he saw the life leave his eyes.

Austin started to hyperventilate seeing his brothers shot from an unseen assailant. “Who’s there?!” He shouted, drawing a steak knife from his jacket as he kept Levi pinned to the wall “wherever you are, I’ll kill this fucker right here” then holding the knife to Levi as he winced away as the blade rested on his neck.

Eliza peered through her sniper scope as she trained her optics on the blathering idiot that had Levi pinned. He pressed the comm in her ear.

“Lu, I’ve got sights on Levi and Reuben. There’s still one of the bogies holding Levi at Knifepoint, you got him?”

Luis snuck up until he was behind the wall that Levi was pinned on

“I’m right behind them.” He said, cocking the hammer on his revolver and resting the barrel in between the bricks and mortar “watch this.” He said to her

Eliza released the command looked on.

Austin looked around panicked “You hear me? I. WILL-“

BLAM!!

Levi shut his eyes as the shot rang out near his ear as he saw the goon’s head turn into a tumbling mess of brain matter and skull fragments, the body springing away from him and falling with a defiant SPLAT.

Levi looked on, holing a hand up to his ear in an attempt to ease the pain from the shot. He jumped when he felt a hand rest in his shoulder but relaxed when he saw Luis’ face.

“Luis.” He muttered

“Hey, I’m here Bud” he said calmly before embracing him in a hug “you’re gonna be okay.” Levi tightly clung onto him.

Reuben got up and looked on. “What- but- I-“ he squinted as he saw who was helping Levi “Dad? How did you?”

Eliza walked up behind him, swinging the sniper rifle behind her shoulder and grasped at the strap. “We always track you when you head out. Especially when you meet up with your…’friends’. “ she said, wincing at the last word.

Reuben looked up at her “So, you-you’ve known?”

She looked down at him “Of course, you’re our son and this place is really fucking dangerous. If I could, I’d keep you in your room like Levi.”

“That’s true.” Said Luis as he walked up to them, Levi resting his head on his shoulder. “But it was my idea to let you have some freedom. So this was the compromise, we’d keep a close eye on you. Hell, I almost told Liza here to hang back.” He gave Levi’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze “I’m lucky I didn’t. We knew these guys were trouble…but not like this.”

Reuben felt sick. His stomach somersaulting in his body. He looked down at the knife on the ground “Oh god, I almost got killed.”

Levi locked on him, his face bruised and starting to swell up “No, you almost got me killed.” He said coldly, almost sounding like Seth.

Reuben looked to him. “I- wuh-“

Levi continued “I never did anything to you, Not directly. I stayed out of your way. I wanted to be friends, or at least someone you could talk to. You could talk to Seth just fine…”

Levi’s brow scrunched up in distress and sadness as tears rolled down his face once more “but it is just me you have problems with and I-I just do not understand why…why?…” he dove his face into Luis’ shoulder and started to sob heavily. Luis hugged him “Okay Levi, I’ll take you back home. My car is just over here” he said as he slowly started walking past Reuben and Eliza.

Reuben was left standing there with his mom. “My car is nearby too. You’re riding with me.” She reached into her field jacket and pulled out a pack of wet wipes, and practically shoved them into his hands “clean yourself up, we’ll talk more at home.”

[clownhoodieguy]

You and a bunch of friends go to the carnival that mysteriously popped up in town. As you visit each ride and attraction, more and more of your friends seem to vanish into thin air.

None of your remaining friends notice, nor care, shrugging it off and reasoning that they were off doing their own thing. You'd keep voicing your concerns each and everytime one separates from the herd, but your complaints were ultimately met by ignorance...

Until it was just you, where your complaints would only receive silence. People walk around, chuck and chat like you're not even there. Abandoned, you turn heel and make your way to the exit. Just as you try to step foot out, a unicycle parks itself in front of you, a tall, lanky clown smiling down at your meager form.

"Why so glum? Didn't you come here with some friends?", He closed his eyes and gives you a friendly smirk, "come on, I think I know where they are!"

Oh no... this is something straight out of a horror movie, but you did want to know where your friends were...

Following the well balanced clown from behind, you'd come up to an employee's only area, the only place where there's hardly any traffic. The clown chuckles and opens the door, revealing a make up studio, and all of your buddies were there! They were all sitting in the chairs, with clowns of various shapes and sizes painting and dusting their face with various paints and powders.

The lanky one softly takes your hand and leads you into one of the chairs, which, against your better judgement, scoot your behind into. A few of your mates saw you come in, and wave to you, the others being much too infatuated with their make up. This whole experience was so strange, but not in the slight unnerving. Soft gloves reach around from behind your head and softly touch your cheeks, tilting and coaxing your head to the side, a pair of oddly loving eyes fixated on the mirror's reflection of your face.

The paint pallet finally comes out, and a fresh, soft artist's brush plunges itself into one of the colours. With a few swishes of the clown's wrist, and your face had miraculously been painted completely white! The lanky clown leans back to admir his work, one hand's fingers pinching his silly top hat's brim, and the other supporting his elbow. After a moment of pondering, he takes a few sponges, dabbing a heart shaped one in the red paint and pressing it onto your shnozz.

With a touch of powdered blush, some additional shapes and touch ups, and a large, ear-to-ear smile, he giggled in delight as his masterpiece had been completed. He wipes his brown with a handkerchief and huffs. The paint on his forehead didn't smear. Your eyes widen, as does his when he realizes what he's done.

"Aw shucks, the jig's up boys! Lets scram!"

Immediately, a tiny little hatchback smashes through the studio walls, and all of the clowns pile in through each of the tiny door. The tires squeal, and a silly little bicycle horn sounds out before they smash back through the way you came in. The entire employee area falls over in the form of wooden cutouts, revealed to be completely fake the entire time. A real carnival clown comes rushing over to the group, tearing off his bulbous nose and glaring at your friends in disbelief.

You and your buddies are promptly booted out of the carnival, some of you had rubbed off their face paint, and others never had it completed, you on the otherhand, felt compelled to wear it all the way home. It was a quiet walk home, none of your friends wanted to talk about what had just happened. Reaching into your hoodie pocket, you feel something squishy, and sort of cold. Pulling it out, it's revealed to be that heart shaped sponge, still covered in a little bit of paint.

[silyabeeodess]

FusionFall Headcanons: Ramcycles

Due to the materials they're made from being so much lighter/less dense than other metallic fusion monsters, the Ramcycles don't have a very strong defense comparatively. Nevertheless, they are fierce, noted both for their high aggression and wild movements.

As featured in concept art, Ramcycles will often have backpacks and other luggage stuck to them. These are from the cyclists who originally owned the bikes that would become these monsters, unable to retrieve their personal belongings when the bikes were possessed. It isn't uncommon for fusion fighters stationed in Habitat Homes to take these items either to return them to their original owner or restock on supplies. However, in either case, fusion matter decontamination is a must and it's recommended that most if not all perishables be thrown out/destroyed with the exception of maybe certain packaged goods if they don't look damaged/unsealed.

As for what items could be found on the Ramcycles, according to the mission "Kibbles 'n' Bits," pet food can sometimes be found on these monsters. While it is possible for cyclists to sometimes travel with their pets, it often unrecommended due to their safety and anxiety. Therefore, if there is no evidence of special/additional seating, this is unlikely to be the reason for finding pet food. More likely, given the high sentient-animal population in the area, the pet food is actually theirs. Even if most of the animals in Habitat Homes still rely heavily on instinct and live a zoo, we do see in episodes of MGPAM, such as "The Big Field Trip" arc, that they are nevertheless capable of driving vehicles. Chances are, other items found will also be more suited for animals than humans.

Primarily, I would say that the bikes were originally owned by students of the local school(s); however, again referring to the Ramcycles' concept art, a travel blanket is shown to be attached, hinting closer to people who go on road trips. Habitat Homes may not be the largest or most populated area that we see in the game, but thinking of it as a true world, we can consider the area as a vital checkpoint to anyone coming from the West on the map. It's a civilization of mostly animals, but it is one of, if not the, first civilizations people might pass through before continuing to the rest of the City/Sub-urban areas. Likely, Habitat Homes is connected to a main highway used often by travelers and also has a restop(s) that they frequent. If this is the case, it would explain why so many of the fusion monsters there, the Ramcycles included, are made up of plenty of vehicle parts. There could even be some form of touristry surrounding travel/vehicles, like how motor bars and restaurants exist in real life.

Because their horns are made from twisted handlers, you're actually much safer getting hit with them than you would be if a real ram were to charge at you. Still, the Ramcycles have a handful of other attacks to be wary of. For the most part, they can kick and buck with the same intensity as the real animal. The worst though, as noted in their descriptions, is for them to use their "wheel attack." This attack is performed by either pinning or throwing their entire body at their target, then rapidly spinning their front wheel. This can cause a severe friction burn over a large area of the body. Bicycle spoke injuries are also possible if hands or feet get caught between them. More than just the injury itself, there's also the danger of getting maimed on the battlefield. The Ramcycle's might copy herbivores, but if they see you injured, they will attack like sharks smelling blood in the water. Due to the flock/herd behavior of real rams and these fusion monsters, chances are, their friends would be too far away either.

Similar to real rams, they are great jumpers and can course rough terrain in a short time. When fighting Ramcycles, use the area to your advantage. You can't outrun them, but you can put obstacles in their way by cutting around some of Habitat Home's tight alleyways or by simply attacking from the rooftops.

At close-range, their biggest weakness is their size. Since it is mainly just a bike that makes up the majority of the bodies, they are easier to tip than other fusion monsters. A strong soldier could grab them by the handlebars and wrestle them to the ground. Once downed, staddle the torso to help keep them pinned and deal a swift attack to the head or abdomen. Soldiers who utilize this strategy should be adept at grappling and know how to hold their ground.

[skeletonmob]

Catharsis - Chapter 1

Merry Christmas! This is an original story for my fantasy world, Ouranos. At the advice of my friends and some kind internet strangers, I'll be cross posting it here and on AO3. Illustrations will also be added as they are finished. I hope you enjoy!

Word count ~ 2470

Reading time ~ 12 min.

Apr 16

We were watching over Rye's daughter for the weekend while he and his husband celebrated their anniversary.

"Thanks for doing this, Cloak."

"No worries."

He transitioned after Megan was born. He hasn't officially decided on a name yet, but he initially wanted to be called Tyler or Tyrone. Something along those lines. So we gave him the nickname 'Rye' and it's stuck ever since.

He gave Megan a big hug and a goodbye kiss on her forehead.

"Now you be good, okay?"

"Okay! I love you daddy!"

"I love you too, sweetie pie."

After we saw Rye off, Megan immediately ran to the guest room, excited for all the adventures to come. The only plan we had today was to go to the grocery store. So after we got her settled in, we pulled out the wagon and headed on over.

It was a beautiful spring day. Big, fluffy clouds drifted lazily across the sky while birdsong zipped through the air. As you passed by specific houses, the air would briefly be filled with an intense lilac perfume, or the delicate scent of apple blossoms. Everyone was out and about either doing laundry, getting their gardens ready, or taking their own kids somewhere. I was also a bit surprised at how many tulips were still in bloom. They usually only last a week before the petals start to fall off.

“Orange!”

I looked over to see a toddler enthusiastically pointing at me. Their grandma was taking them out for a walk.

“Yes, they’re very colorful aren’t they?”

“Hi, orange!”

I smiled and waved back and continued walking. Both me and my husband are daemons, which are about as common as Beastfolk. So nobody really takes notice. It’s mainly little kids that love to point out that your skin is their favorite color or that your horns are all fun and wiggly. For and Dagger specifically, kids love to point out our big fancy hats and that we look like an orange and a lemon respectively. Both of us cut off our horns back in high school since they were kind of a hassle to deal with.

After a good ten minute walk, we finally arrived at the store. This block of the neighborhood is where all the food's located. Overlooking the parking lot were trees and shrubs, and beyond that was a food court. A large, horseshoe shaped building that contained a Waffle House, a coffee shop, a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, a Century Stationary, a local kitchenware store, and a vegetarian cafe. In front of it was a carousel, which Megan immediately noticed.

"It's a – it's a – it's a spinny horse!"

"Yeah, you wanna go on the spinny horse?"

"Yes!"

I turned to my husband, Dagger.

"So, who gets the honor?"

"I don't mind either. We only need, like, a dozen things, right?"

"I'm . . . actually in the mood to walk around for a bit, so you take her."

"Okay! Horse time it is!"

"Horse time!"

Dagger lifted Megan out of the wagon and she immediately bolted for the carousel. He kept up with a brisk walk and after making sure they were okay, I locked up the wagon by the bicycle rack and headed inside.

---

The gyros we made for dinner were a big hit with Megan. Though like most kids, I think she'd enjoy basically anything you'd give her. I'd also made some falafel and extra tzatziki for it. The news kept us company as we ate.

"Well, it finally happened! After over a decade of setbacks, the National Recycling Company of Colombia has finally been created. Plans for the company go back as far as 2005, but these were put on the back burner from 2007 to 2015 – during the Bullion War. When the war ended, the plans were brought back out as a way for the country to recover economically and as a point of national pride. Colombia is know worldwide for its coffee beans, and has been trying to become more environmentally friendly to help protect this industry."

"Like many other recycling facilities, the National Recycling Company will recycle people's trash by transmuting it into various metals. To start out, the company will focus on gold, lithium, and cobalt, all of which are of immense importance to the tech industry. Economists are expecting the prices of these metals to stabilize and the price of -"

"Are they bad guys?" Megan pointed at the screen, "When daddy plays games, there's always lots of bad guys.

As the news segment finished up, it was showing a clip of politicians and economists in black business suits clapping their hands. It took me a moment to figure out what she was saying.

"Oh, they're not secret agents. They're just grown ups wearing fancy clothes."

"But they look like bad guys!"

"It's just a uniform they're wearing. It's like when your daddy has to wear special clothes to go to work."

"You have to play dress up to go work?"

"Yeah, lots of people have to do that, like your dad, and nurses, and firefighters. All those guys on TV were doing the same thing, so they're not bad guys."

"I like playing dress up!"

Megan went back to munching on the falafel she had. I wasn't sure if she understood what I was trying to say, but I suppose she guessed that if someone like to play dress up, then they couldn't be a bad guy.

Apr 17

Cornflower Park is a three mile long park built on the coast of Cornflower Lake. It was built back in the fifties, after the Great War, to prevent the lake from being filled with mansions and vacation homes. Many neighborhoods and towns along the coast followed suit over the years. Since there were so many stretches of park, people eventually decided to connect them all. So now, the name 'Cornflower Park' refers to the long, winding, unbroken stretch of grass that covers nearly the entirety of the eastern coastline.

We got off the train at University and were greeted by a seeming endless expanse of green, dotted with trees, apartments, and the occasional ice cream shop.

"Park!"

"Yeah, the playground we're going to is this way!"

"Is it a – a super fun playground?"

"Yeah, there's lots of fun animals!"

"My daddy – when my daddy goes to work, he gets to play with lots of doggies!"

"That's why were taking you there!"

We walked along the boardwalk for a while, Megan's excitement letting her keep up with us. Me and Dagger had passed by this playground a few times and thought it'd be the perfect place for her. It was a large, square wooden fort that enclosed a large, tree shaped jungle gym. All the slides were designed to look like snakes, and there were wood cutouts of monkeys and alligators and other animals spread all over. There were even water misters to help set the scene, but they weren't on. They're probably mainly used in the summer.

Both me and Dagger kept watch over Megan and took turns playing with her. Dusty – Rye's husband – is a zookeeper and also a werewolf. So Megan really loves animals, especially dogs. As we played, she told us fun animal facts and stories about the zoo.

"There's – there's this one kitty at the zoo, where my daddy works, her name is Rose. She's really big! She's yellow with lots of black spots - "

"She's a cheetah." I said.

"Yes! And all the other nice people at the zoo say that she's really nervous. So even though they're all really nice, Rose doesn't like to play with them."

"Oh, that sounds really sad! I bet all the people there would love to play with her."

"When – when Rose doesn't want to play with nobody, the nice people at the zoo, where my daddy works, bring in a doggy! Her name is Goldie, like the Amimal Crossing character! She's yellow and also really big! So – so when she comes to visit, I get to play with a doggy and a kitty!"

We finished off our playground date by going down as many slides as many times as we could. Then we started walking along the promenade, looking for something to eat.

"Hey, can we find like, a fancy sports car or something?" Dagger asked.

"Why?"

He pointed to his horn ornaments. He was using magic to store all the static electricity from the slides.

"I need to discharge these guys."

"Is it that bad?"

"Well, the average static shock that you can feel is 20,000 volts. Multiply that by . . . a dozen, there's theoretically 240,000 volts in these."

"But it's resistance that actually kills you, right?"

"I'd rather not use a live test subject to find out."

Dagger's breathing became more labored as we continued walking. It's hard to explain since I'm so used to it, but using magic requires focus and concentration. Some types more than others. Like, if you want to use Moon magic to divine the future, you have to clear and calm your mind. You have to focus on the tarot cards, or pendulum, or whatever tool you're using. But if you want to use Mars magic, all you have to do is visualize fire, and then you can start throwing fireballs until the sun goes down. On this spectrum, Jupiter magic is on the higher end. Trying to control something as chaotic and unpredictable as electricity requires a lot of focus and concentration.

As we passed by a small parking lot, we found the perfect target: the Future Car. It was a 'car' advertised as 'the car of the future'. Aside from having a stupid tagline, it also looked really dumb. It was basically a trapezoid on wheels.

"Oh, thank fuck!" Dagger muttered under his breath.

He hobbled over to the 'car' as fast as he could, still trying to not preemptively discharge any electricity. He took a deep breath and steeled his nerves, then gently tapped his horns on the car. All the car doors swung open and the car alarm started blaring. I picked up Megan and started running as fast as I could, Dagger bolting in from behind. We rounded the corner of an apartment building, and with the parking lot out of view, we slowed down and caught our breath.

"Was that a bad guy car?" Megan wasn't entirely sure of what was going on.

"Uh . . ."

"Yes!" Dagger exclaimed, "You shouldn't trust anybody in a funny car like that, okay?"

"Okay." Megan was still unsure.

I put her down and we continued walking as casually as we could.

"I didn't expect it to be that flimsy." Dagger said after a minute.

"It's the first car that Fu – that Deader than Disco has ever designed. Honestly, it's probably the first thought he's ever had in his head."

Apr 18

Rye and Dusty were coming back this evening, just before dinner. There was plenty of time to visit the museum or the botanical gardens, but neither of us really had the energy for something like that. We decided to go out to lunch and spend some time walking around downtown Denver.

There's loads of restaurants, mostly concentrated in the area between 16th Street Mall and the University of Colorado. But neither of us really knew what we wanted to eat. We had gyros on Friday. Yesterday, we had Chinese for lunch and spaghetti for dinner. That mostly left us with pizza, hamburgers, and sandwiches, which felt really boring in that moment.

As we kept trying to find a restaurant we were in the mood for, we meandered across the Gateway building.

"Still a bit surprising that we let Fu – Deader than Disco headquarter here." Dagger said.

"I don't think anyone's taking him seriously after his divorce and all the other shit he's been up to. Plus, the company's been shifting towards home electronics, so the city probably thought it'd be fine."

"Didn't he basically cause the Bullion War?"

"Well . . . I think everyone just views him as some dumbass with too much money. Which is a dangerous combination, but still pretty manageable."

"I still think this is a Trojan horse situation."

"Well, it's not like you can't stop magic by flashing dollar bills at it."

As if on cue, a voice shouted from behind us.

"Hey!"

We turned to see a bearded man in a business suit stomping toward us. Dagger grabbed Megan and stepped off to the side.

"Did you fuckers mess with my car yesterday?"

As he closed in, I immediately noticed the fresh rose he had on his lapel. He was probably going to a bachelor's party or a business meeting, but that didn't matter right now.

"Yes." I said flatly, not taking my eyes off the rose.

"What the fuck!"

He was about grab me, but I quickly waved a burst of fire between us. He stepped back, frustrated.

"I paid 120 grand for that car!"

"For a metal box on wheels?"

"Goddammit! You better not touch my car again or else I'll make you pay for everything you did to it!"

"For setting of the car alarm?" Dagger interjected, "Also, if you can drop 120 grand on a car, I'd assume you could pay for the repairs."

The man looked at Dagger in disbelief, then continued his tirade.

"The fuck is wrong with you? You think that, just because you have all your hoity toity magic, that you can just walk over everyon - hrg ACK!"

The man had a hard, phlegmy coughing fit as the smell of burnt potpourri suddenly filled the air. Dagger tried to Mercury the rest of the smell away from me, though I still had to stifle a few coughs. As the man recovered, he grabbed me by the shoulders.

"The fuck was that?"

"Pyrolysis, the thermal decomposition of matter."

The man patted down his suit to search for any burn marks before noticing that his rose has vanished into thin air. He looked at me with a combination of frustration, anxiety, and bewilderment.

"You – you can do that?"

"I can demonstrate again if you want," I smiled, "I think your beard could use a bit of a trim."

There was a long pause. The man's face became more filled with anxiety as the extent of my magic became clear to him.

"Just don't touch my car again, please." He said in a low, desperate voice.

He quickly walked past us, towards whatever function he was supposed to be at.

"Do you just wanna get a pizza, since we can share it?" Dagger said after a moment.

"Sure."

We started walking back towards 16th Street Mall.

"Was he a bad guy?" Megan asked.

"He was a bad guy."

"But you defeated him! Just like my daddy!" Megan smiled.

"Yeah! Just like your dad!"

[the-firebird69]

Yeah we might have to make a little carnival and get it down there apparently we're getting washed over by foreigners of ours and we have to do something and I want to see if somebody can lift that stupid thing like me we do it all the damn time he says it's different much different and we do understand that

Paul acork

I think it's a good idea and he says we're shy away from it because we can't do it and we have to do it now

Bja

We have some other news and it's important. This upcoming events and their gigantic. The 27th is Wednesday so it's saying it's the last Thursday and a lot of people don't follow that they go on the 23rd but it's changing to that this year because of Tommy F and bja and they're going to go ahead with their plan with Camilla and take on another enemy. There's several things that are happening because of this armies are going to Detroit and to greater Michigan they're going to Utah they're causing a disturbance it's a mess it's a lot of people up there fighting and pretty hard and in Utah too and it's kind of setting it up but it's making a disaster out of the place and it's going on right now it is getting huge it's getting very big. It's so big that people don't know what to do about it in other words it's it's too big it really it's a lot of fighting there's a lot of people involved and it's going to be a hell of a day because of it they are you coming nasty and mean and all over the world I'm pretty proud of my husband he'll be able to use all over the place if he gets a car he can put it in the trunk and he can go to events or all sorts of things on a bicycle and it doesn't have to walk hopefully usually he says it just goes in tools around so he can go too and to a parking garage and then go to the park and go out to eat and he can leave the car and kind of go touring and see what it's like in the city and I think that's a great idea it's a nice idea to do it in different places too there's a huge trail that goes from Sarasota to Tampa and some things like that and there's areas that you can take the e-bike on tour and he's driving by and stuff and it's kind of a pain and a waste but in this way he'd have a decent time and people do it and he thinks it would be fun to go to the beach area and even with Ken and when he's better he has a bike like his they can fit both in the car and they can tool around down at the beach and go to the beach and park and it's less of a hassle he likes the idea and there's nothing to do at the beach you just kind of lay around and this way you'd be biking around and seeing different people and observing and building you can do different things lock it up and then go riding around again and go to the bar and have seafood that's a good idea so we have more news.

--aside from all of this geological stuff happening around here including diamonds and ships coming out and mock and riverbeds dropping and canals opening and caverns sinking there's some other stuff that's going to be happening ships will be coming out really big ones and we're going to be grabbing our share and the big one and a lot of it's ours yeah and we are going to witness our sons I mean damn it my husband and I know it's my husband is making annoying noises but as a joke that I keep saying it damn it he says. It says I really latch on to different things sometimes than him and it's true different person actually different person. These ships are very big a lot of them will be coming out of the ocean and people are not aware of that and it's a water tunnel and they're not aware of that that's good and it will be evident that's how it works just like the small ones and they're going to get to it they say that's fine and so a lot of them are going to try and do that here and recently they've been looking into it in addition to the bull horn there are other artifacts there after and we see them going after it and they looking at the monsters and they need power and they need it now. A few more things

--but my husband and I have to do during the day is despicable and it's wrong and they are forcing it and it's gross and we don't want people getting the right idea it's a physical problem he has to do it.

--we have several people that are a danger to him and the threat levels well up there and they need to be handled and right now too

--he's getting his life together slowly he has to do laundry and continue to get supplies he got a lot of food and we hope it stays and he's got more food to get ready in cans and doesn't need help to find places to put things yeah down below the cabinet smell so it's going to be a cramped. Some people have some ideas and we welcome them. There's some other things happening and yeah after a while the cabinets won't smell but they do right now Stan it's having a tough time and he's having a tough time seeing so he is running around saying I'm fine but really people are coming from his group to check and they had Jason check he is outside and people could see it and he was saying it and he thought it was good and he checked and he said we're watching and that was Mac Daddy and others was Chiming in and said we can't see your problem and they're trying to do things and they probably won't get some stuff done there's a lot of them here and they hire other people have these warlocks are going to take a beating. There's a couple other things that are starting up.

--my husband got a lot of people interested in kit cars and turning regular sedans what's your everywhere into very fast cars they thought it was really a neat trick and certain cars work real well like the ones BG is making they're smaller and they're suited for it and they say it and he's not making it yet and they want him to and they're trying to get them to and he said you would have to be a different car and that's fine they say so he's working on it now it's going to be really cool a couple other things other people are trying it too and they're moving out and they'll get it done and we have a few things to do today and they're important and he's going to get it done also we need restrictions on the sky Trump we really do but he was up to is illegal and we want to put on him now. This is a horrible show that he's putting on I need this done ASAP we have a couple of the items he threw his hair trimmer away and he told Jason he's what it did it and Jason was worried he says what happened he said this is a thing of hygiene and it's probably contaminated and it wasn't and he says it wasn't the inside but really it was okay it was in the enclosed case and inside another case but for some reason he threw it away and people said that the plastic would be a little bit but it wasn't really necessary and he's kind of giggling into a mistake and Jason is nothing it's funny and people remember him doing it he said I won't throw it away later but I'll throw it away now and he was shocked and said what the hell are you thinking this is I thought it was contaminated and I didn't want to use it for some reason and he smiles and he says she thought you hid it up there since yeah that was probably someone else. He wasn't smiling but then he said this some of those things get messed up by the chemicals and it was going to sitting in there he said yeah the corrode and he goes it's not a pleasant thing and smokes in the catches of fire it's true too it's like high voltage he did hear it and he knows that they do and a lot of people just throw them away no matter what happens and the hair dryers too and Stan said it's because of how the motor works it's an electric motor it said these things got some merged for just hours and they're seized he says I think it's just similar metals cuz he was wondering why and it really is so people are thinking of putting the sinks on in case they get underwater and for just driving around and he says you can turn the smoke or two into zinc and they said that's a weird idea and it really is but it's a good one and you'd have replacement spokes that are zinc and people might do it because it might help with the bike getting charged and it's not supposed to we have a couple of things to talk about that we have to get to stuff

Hera

He wants to sell his tires and he's going to do that later

..

Olympus

[ambiguouspuzuma]

Ex-communication

Bell, book, and candle, the ritual prescribed. But it offered Tantine nothing more than that. There was no clarification, for the questions she inevitably had - such as around the merits of tallow candles versus wax, large or small, perfumed or plain. She needed to know what sort of book would qualify - holy writ was obvious, but what about a child's encyclopaedia of dinosaurs (the largest and most intimidating book she owned)? And what sort of bell would count? Did it have to be church, or cow, or would the one on her bicycle suffice?

Tantine had an particularly inquisitive mind, as her tutors had often remarked, in tones varying from praise to exasperation. She had always questioned their answers, and sometimes their questions. But it was more than that: she had a tendency to take things literally, and that left so much up to the interpretation. She could think outside the boxes they'd intended, assuming she would know what the assignment meant. Loopholes hid between the lines, and she'd become an expert at finding them.

"Will you stay with me forever?"

"I'd like to." He'd paused, weighing up how much he should tell her. Tantine smiled to think about that now. She'd been the first in her class to learn about everything from death to the Tooth Fairy, but he was trying to preserve her innocence. "You know that we might die someday?"

"Oh, that's easy." She'd been worried he was having doubts. Compared to that, mortality came as a relief. "We'll just have to come back as ghosts. I'll haunt you. Will you haunt me?"

"Of course." Tantine could still imagine his smile. "I promise."

In the presence of bell, book, and candle. She'd found an old copy of the Pontificale Romanum, but it hadn't helped. It was supposed to be ritual for ex-communication, shutting heretics away from the light of the church, or perhaps more generally a curse. But from what she'd found in her other reading, it seemed more like a door: a way to expel believers from the inner circle, perhaps, but also a way for those outside to peer in. If performed correctly, it could even drag a soul down from heaven for a time. On paper, that was. If performed correctly.

To find out what that meant in practice, Tantine would need to experiment, and that would take some creativity. Any church had bell, book and candle in easy reach, but she was rarely left to wander on her own. She could have met the criteria when unwrapping her gifts at Christmas, finding a fantasy novel under the lights and bell hung on the tree, but hadn't been in the mood to try. She might have done it at any time she was in her parents' car, but the manual was in the glove box and the lights and horn were out of reach.

She'd wanted to find the most efficient method. Setting light to an old edition of Jane Eyre would have been a good one, a Bell book becoming a candle, but that seemed a terrible waste. Celestial legislation was loosely drafted at the best of times, and there were always loopholes. When bargaining with a demon, the summoner was wise to word their demands with care, lest they be misinterpreted. It worked the same the other way around.

She needed a way that nobody would notice: something she could try without her parents watching, and certainly outside the scrutiny of church. What she wanted to do was forbidden. She didn't think it was evil - not enough to move a witchfinder's needle - but it was sacrilege at best. They might understand her attempt, if she knew what he'd meant to her, but she was sure they'd see her punished all the same. Ex-communication might no longer be in vogue, but she was sure that she'd be grounded at the very least.

His name had been Samuel. It had been a summer romance, one of those dizzy, whirlwind early loves, and then the winds had taken him away. There had been an accident, at the summer camp. Nobody's fault. He'd tripped over a guy rope, and hit his head against the peg. It shouldn't have killed him, Tantine heard the adults repeating: nine times out of ten, he would have been fine. But the metal had struck him in just the wrong spot, and they'd found bleeding in his brain, and they'd never had the chance to say goodbye.

They'd promised to haunt each other. That had been their vow, a promise sealed with their little fingers: in sickness and in health, until death they didn't part. But Samuel had died, and that had been the last Tantine had heard of him. She assumed that he'd moved on to paradise, and perhaps moved on from her as well. If heaven was all it was cracked up to be, perhaps he didn't need her any more. Perhaps their summer fling hadn't meant to him what it did to her; looking back upon his life, she must have been a tiny footnote.

But still, it would have been nice to have closure. She knew that this was how it was done, even with living ex-boyfriends: the messages not returned, the prayers unanswered. Samuel hadn't haunted her, but he might have ghosted her instead. Ex-communication wasn't practised nowadays. People loved and left, avoiding all the awkwardness of explaining why, and left a trail of broken hearts still waiting on an answer.

Samuel wouldn't have been the first. If this had only been a camp romance, he might have never intended to stay in touch, after he went home - and now he'd gone home for good. But Tantine had to know. If he was only back in his hometown, she might have tracked him down online: leaving messages that would remain unread, muted pleas for his attention, and watching silently as he proceeded with his life without her. Death would be more difficult. She couldn't just find him on her-

Bell, book, and candle. Nowadays, those prerequisites could also be found almost anywhere - in almost any smartphone. So she worked harder at school, by making herself think about thing less: forcing herself to play by even the most illogical rules, giving her tutors a pass for contradictory demands. Her reports became glowing: bright, friendly and well-behaved, a joy to have in class. For her next birthday, she convince her Mum that she was old enough. Responsible enough.

"Just don't spend all your time flirting with boys."

"Definitely not." Tantine had feigned disgust. "There isn't a boy alive I'd want to flirt with me."

She practiced the ritual. Opening the door: if it could banish souls from the light of the church, it could also draw them down from heaven. With a little modification, of course. She began to experiment anew, focusing all of his efforts on perfecting her approach. Ex-communication. The ritual was similar for calling demons forth, and she didn't think that was a coincidence. She borrowed a little from that. After all, when she thought of most of the boys at school, there didn't seem to be all that much difference.

Samuel laughed when she told him that.

"Who are you talking to?" her Mum called through the door.

"I'm just praying," Tantine said. It was more of a séance - communing with the spirits - but the practice was much the same. She had her eyes closed, and hands clasped tight together, in the absence of anyone else's there to hold.

But for once, her prayers had been answered.

[drewandareview]

Minions (2015)

Originally published January 28th, 2016

Uh... People fucking hate the minions.  And I’m not sure their hate stems from their movie making more money than Inside Out did, like mine does.  From what I’ve gathered, these characters are super annoying.  The annoying things they do include: Being loud, talking too quickly, talking too much, talking in gibberish, cackling, being nonsensical.  I can’t really argue with that.  That is annoying.

But I watched Minions, and I liked Minions.  Apparently this is an immensely controversial statement.  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t find their behavior annoying.  I think I would find it annoying if I was bombarded with it--I’m talking ninety minutes of nonstop talking, flailing, and slipping on banana peel.  Just every single second, and a soundtrack entirely filled with bicycle horns.  But I really didn’t feel bombarded by their qualities.  Not only did the movie smartly leave some breathing room, but--the things the minions are known for aren’t the only thing they do.  Often times they’re quiet.  Subtle, even.

And when they’re not, I find it funny.  These are very different characters from the average, well-mannered person.  They don’t just behave in a silly manner, but they have an entirely unique culture.  They look bizarrely different and this informs a lot of their physicality.  They also sound bizarrely different.  Nobody understands their language, and the fact that you’re interpreting what they mean based not off their words but their inflection is really interesting to me as a moviegoer.  Shaun the Sheep Movie employed the same thing and it’s up for Best Animated Feature.  A lot of what the minions do is over-the-top, ridiculous situational humor.  It’s considerably removed from reality, and the amusement I get from that contrast makes me laugh sometimes.

It’s always tricky to explain why you find something funny, but it might be trickier to decipher why people find this so unfunny.  Culture today must be very removed from the past, because this movie reminds me a lot of Charlie Chaplin’s work.  It also reminds me a lot of the Looney Tunes and many other classic cartoons made in that same era.  It even reminds me of the early Disney cartoons--you know, that company that brought you your beloved Frozen or whatever.  If Minions were made in the sixties as a cartoon show, I sincerely think it would fit right in.  And having their movie take place in the sixties may have been a subtextual way to prove this very point.

People here in 2016 land are different, though.  If they hate the style of the minions, then they must have no room for silly stuff.  Everything has to be clever and meaningful.  But you know--I don’t want to burst any bubbles here, but--silly humor has proven to be clever and meaningful many times.  The idea of something subverting an established norm is an actual idea that inspires actual thought.  Its existence is based on contrast to our conventions and just because it doesn’t teach us a lesson about bisexuals or banking doesn’t mean that it doesn’t offer some sort of commentary.

But maybe you want there to be a very specific synthesis of ideas and morals in your entertainment.  I get that.  That’s also complete bullshit because social media exists.  I’ve seen what the kids are sharing.  I’ve seen their memes, their vines, their YouTube videos.  And if there was ever a time where culture as a whole should be willing to embrace silly humor, it should be right the fuck now.  We are teeming with it, and people love it.  If you can’t think of any relevant examples of this, you’re either incredibly out of touch in 2016 or a complete fucking idiot.

So why are the people who embrace the Harlem Shake and Nyan cat so adamantly opposed to Minions?  The minions, contrary to what their name implies, are not your enemies.  They are showcasing the same kind of humor you clearly want to see.  You could try making a case that the people who like stuff like the Harlem Shake do like the minions, and the minions-haters are the people who also hate all this weird stuff online.  But uh... No.  I’m not even going to present my evidence, but as a professional surveyor of the Internet, this is not true.  I can easily see somebody who embraces the absurdity of the iconic horsehead mask going on a diatribe about how minions are ruining cinema.  (And if a video showing this does not yet exist, I am very tempted to make it.)

So why do people hate this?  I have a theory.  A pattern I’ve noticed in a lot of the popular silly stuff people embrace is that it seems like it was an accident.  A creation by somebody that didn’t know any better.  I mean, look at Gangnam Style!  Those fucking foreigners just don’t get it, and it’s hilarious!  And as long as this humor seems to be unintentional, people can enjoy it without really supporting it.  They liked it because it failed, not because it succeeded.  They have higher standards for the things they want to succeed.

But when something like Minions comes along that completely embraces how silly it is, this is unacceptable.  Minions was made by people in Hollywood with a ton of money.  They wanted this movie to be full of ridiculous antics.  Fuck them!  Yeah, I see what this is.  You want to shroud yourself in a layer or irony or something, because you don’t want to admit that you like something that’s silly.  Oh no, your tastes are far too refined for that kind of stuff--you could only enjoy it if it were a failure.  But let’s consider that maybe you’re elaborately lying to yourself.  You would watch that awful campy movie even if it’s made that way on purpose.  You like bad stuff.  You like weird stuff.  You like silly stuff.  And maybe Minions is better than you because it doesn’t feel insecure enough to hide from that.

And honestly, this theory doesn’t even apply to a lot of the social media people are absorbing.  A lot of it is made by entertainers who are absolutely putting on an intentional act.  They’re acting silly, on purpose, to entertain people.  But hey, maybe people register this as an impression of people that are actually “accidentally silly”.  There’s no way these entertainers are just, you know, being fucking silly!

I could be wrong here.  Maybe people really do dislike the minions and also happen to be into a six second video of somebody squeezing a bunch of rubber ducks (among the most popular vines as of the time this was written). But if I’m right, I can’t blame people.  Here in 2016 land, there’s a lot of sensitivity, and it’s had us set the bar very high.  As beneficial as this can be, it can also make people very insecure about what belongs at that bar.

[bittersweettweet]

17

Ah, the joys of test season and the struggle to get out of bed. Yesterday was Friday, a glorious day when you can just laze around, but alas, the call of the exams beckons. And to add insult to injury, all the breakfast has vanished into thin air! Thank goodness for hot water and sugar, the savior of those mornings when the bread and cheese have mysteriously disappeared.

In the midst of this chaotic morning, Aunti Mehran arrives with a burst of excitement. She has stumbled upon a newspaper ad for a marvelous house at an unbeatable price. The mere mention of the house's size, "362 square meters in Yosef Abad, the nicer part of Tehran," sends our imaginations soaring. Perhaps it's time for a new adventure, a bigger and better home! With Aunti's enthusiasm reaching its peak, her high-pitched voice fills the air, and my mischievous dad can't resist mimicking her and adding some lighthearted teasing.

With dreams of a grand new abode dancing in our heads, the whole family sets off to see the house. After a short 20-minute drive, you arrive at the end of the alley, only to be greeted by a disheartening sight—garbage-strewn steps leading down. Clearly, this house is not off to a good start. As fate would have it, a departing family casts a disgusted look, and their expressions say it all. The house is a sad relic of the past, and we quickly abandon any thoughts of making it our own.

On our way back to the car, we passed numerous eager individuals heading towards the ill-fated house. Being the good Samaritans we were, we can't bear to let them suffer the same disappointment. So, with a knowing glance, you point out the house to them in the opposite direction, assuring them it's not worth the visit. And just like that, a collective U-turn is made, sparing them from a lackluster house tour.

Safavieh Bazar was initially on the agenda, but then I unleash a battle cry, "Let's go to the zoo!" Excitement filled the air as everyone unanimously agreed to the change in plans. Off we went, embarking on a wild and wonderful adventure among the animal kingdom. From majestic white peacocks to African bulls with horns that could rival a bicycle wheel, every creature seems to have its own unique charm. And of course, there was the monkey with a surprising dog-like bark, providing a comical twist to the zoo experience.

However, not all was well in the reptile and amphibian department. As you approach the snake enclosures and tortoise ponds, a sad realization dawns upon you. The snakes appear lifeless, and you suspect they might have left this mortal coil hungry. Even the tortoises seem to have met a similar fate, with one unfortunate soul looking like it dried out with its head sticking out of the water. It's a somber moment amidst the excitement, reminding us of the circle of life.

After bidding farewell to the animal kingdom, we make a quick stop at Safavieh Bazar. Oh, the temptation of beautiful things! The displays dazzle our eyes, but alas, no purchases are made. It's a testament to our family's willpower and the realization that adventures and memories are worth more than material possessions! Or it was that we had no money!

Back home, the evidence of our impromptu escapades greets us. Unmade beds and breakfast remnants scattered on the ground serve as a reminder that cleaning duties await. As a team, you embark on a cleaning frenzy, transforming chaos into order. With the chores completed, it's time to relax and recharge. Tea was brewed, We had delicious food, and the house once again becomes a sanctuary of comfort and warmth.

Reflecting on the day before, I confess to having "winged it" on my test today, bravely made up my own answers. Ah, the spontaneous genius of exam improvisation! But don't forget, studying Farsi and grammar is still essential to avoid the wrath of my teacher. Melody, her recent vaccination has taken a toll, leaving her tired and quiet. It's crucial for her to rest and recover, and I'll be the diligent sibling who studies hard and keeps the grades in check.

And so, as the day draws to a close, I find myself ready to tackle the challenges of tomorrow, armed with humor, determination, and a desire to make every adventure count.

12/05/1983