#I would do it on my computer but I Just Moved And Don't Have My Internet Set Up Yet
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Someone asked, so let's talk about refurbished computers.
I think there are 2 legitimate reasons to get a refurbished computer:
It is an emergency and you can afford literally no other computer so you are using the refurb as a bandaid while you save up to buy another computer.
You are capable of upgrading, maintaining, and repairing the computer yourself so the risk associated with using a refurbished computer is minimized.
Because here's the thing, a refurbished computer is simply more likely to fail than a new computer. It's going to be older, it will have seen more use, it will have been power cycled more times - there are just a lot of reasons that it is more likely to die on you.
IF you want to buy refurb, I'd recommend a couple of guidelines:
Don't get anything with a processor that is more than five years old - for intel that means 10th gen or newer. ABSOLUTELY do not get any processor that is lower-level than an i5.
Don't max out on RAM or drive space - tons of refurb outfits will sell a piece of shit with 64GB of slow, old DDR4 in it or with a 2tb HDD. Get approximately what you need, or maybe one level up, not the absolute max.
Aim for reparability over portability - you will want to look for business-class computers that give you room to move around and swap in parts.
DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT spend more than $300 on a refurbished laptop or desktop. At that point, you are more than halfway to the cost of a decent new machine and paying more for a refurb will be detrimental to your ability to purchase a newer device down the line.
Buy a computer with the CURRENT operating system. Don't get a Win10 box, part of why it's a big deal to stay current with processors is because older processors aren't allowed by win11 and win10 has only one more year of support and security patches - unless you are planning on installing linux, get whatever the current mainline OS is.
All that being said: You can totally flip buying a refurbished computer into being someone who knows about hardware by working on your refurbished computer, and a refurbished computer is the IDEAL device to get your feet wet with linux because hey it was a cheap machine to start what's the harm you should try mint, mint is good, you'd like mint you should install mint.
SO. If I had to buy a computer for myself that was a personal computer that I didn't rely on for work, here's an ebay search with the parameters that I would use. Of those computers, if I were going to make a choice it would either be:
This 10th gen i7 ThinkPad
Or this 12th gen i5 IdeaPad
(my computer has a 10th gen i5 processor so either processor would be a step up and the SSD would double my storage but I'd have to throw more RAM in to get this to the level that I've currently got and i know that ideapad maxes out at 40gb and is *slightly* harder to crack open than the thinkpad) BUT either option would be more than half the cost of that Asus up there which has a newer processor and at least a one year warranty from the manufacturer.
Last year you made a post on buying a new laptop here
https://www.tumblr.com/ms-demeanor/726015098368475136?source=share
I was wondering if anything has changed since then, are there other things I should be looking for in a new laptop? Thank you!!
This information now lives on a page on my website that I update periodically; here's info that's current to November 2024.
Here's a Newegg search with all the search parameters that I would use that has a selection of very decent laptops in a wide range of prices. Also literally right now this week they've got black friday deals going on so there are some VERY good prices there.
If I had to buy a good computer for my teenage nephew that I would expect to last him a few years but that is a low price because he's a kid and kids sometimes destroy shit, this is the one I'd grab for him from that list.
If my work computer exploded today and I had to replace my laptop that I use daily for business and would expect to have a long lifespan with heavy use but gentle handling, this is the one I'd grab from that list.
Those are both good prices for those specific machines.
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So I've read the opening story of Tim Drake: Robin.
The opening issue is solid, highlighting a lot of Meghan Fitzmartin's skills as a writer. She picked up threads neatly from her earlier stories, showed her hand to the audience, and did do a fair amount of subtle character work. If I'd picked it up with no background knowledge of the fandom conversation about the title, I'd have been very excited for where it was going.
I liked the links back to how part of what prompted Tim to move out was Bruce being fussy over Tim having been shot in the throat in Batman #125. That felt realistic and a nice little link between titles.
As far as a story goes: I didn't mind it. Parts of it were very obvious, especially when you clued into the themes - if I'd actually been reading it as it came out and had a month between issues for things to soak in, I probably would have been tapping my toes over the reveal of who Moriarty was disguised as.
I would like to specifically dunk on both Meghan Fitzmartin and Moriarty for the detective novel writer selections, because...hmm. Kinda misogynistic there. Fitzmartin uses 6 writers for this, and 6 specific stories/franchises:-
Edgar Allen Poe – Murders in the Rue Morgue
Mark Twain – The Stolen White Elephant
Arthur Conan Doyle – Sherlock Holmes
Raymond Chandler - Goldfish
James Gelsey – Scooby Doo
Wilkie Collins – The Moonstone
What do you notice about this list, that I immediately noticed? They're all men. Who is an immediate name that comes to mind, who even had public domain stories as of 2022, who probably should be on a list like that and who also has incredible influence over the direction of the genre? Oh, I don't know, maybe Agatha Christie? (Also Dorothy L. Sayers is also right there and available, but skipping Christie?)
And once she'd built up this "it's all the detective stories" premise, Fitzmartin then went for a book code (cool!) from non-existent books (not cool). If you've just spent all this time glorying in how this is all related to Specific Classic Detective Stories, why not...use a real book code and refer to their actual stories? You've already done it for the plots! Commit to the bit!
Also I spent a good chunk of issue #4 staring at the page going "Carol Donovan? You mean Deb Donovan's judge daughter who recently appeared in Mariko Tamaki's 'Tec run? Tim, how are you missing something this straightforward? Also she's dead?" and then it never came to anything. Maybe do a quick check if anyone else has been using the name you just invented for the story.
"I even tried making a new costume for myself. It doesn't fit." - I did find it interesting that Fitzmartin was once again playing with the "is it time to move on" themes for Tim that were popping up around here in various conversations. Especially given she had Tim and Dick relitigate their conversation from Urban Legends #10 and similar themes in DC:YJ. It does suggest to me that she was working her way around to getting Tim into a new identity, but cancellation has once again left that in the 'not happening' basket.
In terms of the art: Riley Rossmo was the wrong pick for the title, but I do see the thought process that led into him getting the nod for the opening story, given the whole claymation villain set. It was very 2D animation style. I don't mind Rossmo (and interestingly he's developing a whole line up of detective stories he's done art for, given he's also had a Martian Manhunter book and got Wesley Dodds, he did one of the Batman/The Shadow crossovers...) but his highly malleable art style loses a lot of background detail or makes what is there harder to parse.
I did very much appreciate the way Rossmo drew Tim's detective work, though. I liked the technique for highlighting details and clues, and it actually very much reminded me of how some computer games present clues (including how it's done in Gotham Knights, in fact).
I know everyone has said this, but Bernard needs to develop a personality AND to commit to whether or not he knows Tim is Robin. Because sort of hinting that he knows, while Tim worries about hiding things from him, but not actually confirming either way is only really acceptable if you actually do build up to a big reveal moment where the whole drama has been paid off.
I did appreciate that MegFitz had clearly taken feedback and returned one of Bernard's two pre-existing personality traits (conspiracy theorist who thinks the Bats are urban legend cryptids), because one of the weaknesses of using Bernard, a side character with 6 preboot appearances, is that at lot of his existing personality was sketched in. He was a conspiracy theorist, and he desperately wanted to be popular but wasn't, so he presented himself as having a Cool Guy's Personality (see: 'your step-mom is hot'). Now, Meghan Fitzmartin wants us to read into that second trait as a facade that Bernard was putting up to deal with the fact he was gay and hiding it, probably even from himself, at the time. Which, fine, it's a perfectly reasonable reading of Bernard (and to her credit, MegFitz has Bernard spell it out a little on page in TD:R), but the problem is...you've just lost one of the two identifiable traits of 'Bernard' and it hasn't been replaced with anything else. And while 2004 in comics was still trying to hold onto the Urban Legends reading for the Bats to an extent (though it was failing), 2022 comics has so long since abandoned it that Bernard having kooky theories about Batman's connection to Mothman or whatever is very...why?
And because both of these pre-existing personality traits are under strain from the context, it really is sort of necessary to give Bernard something else about him for people to latch onto for his personality. And it doesn't really seem to be there yet (as of #6). It's the same complaint that people have about Jon/Jay and a whole host of other partners for recently out superheros: they're generically pleasant, supportive and bland, with about the depth of a mirror. Give me some of the toxic drama the 30 year old lesbians are allowed. Where is my breakup over custody fights with an ex and one of the two getting seduced by a vampire.
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Feel free to ignore but I just have to get this out. I know this sounds mean but I´m happy that
a) Tim and Oliver lurk in fandom like no other and are seeing what people say about them and
b) Oliver had months of reprieve from the deranged people that make his following because they were turning all their guns on Lou. In fact he gained popularity because they convinced themselves (with his help, I add) that he is their champion and actually wants Buddie to happen. What does he think will happen now, when in a couple of weeks Buddie still has not happend? There is no Tommy standing in the way anymore and we will go right back to accusations of baiting and of people calling him fat and bald and almost too ugly for Eddie (yes, that happend). And when this happens and he has another whiny outburst on SM I will laugh until I fall over.
They droped the ball with every other LI before because they were to chicken shit to even try putting a stop to the endless harrassment. I think Megan West was the most egregious example of just leaving someone hanging and even encouraging the shit that went on online. They had a chance here, for the first time, to try to get out of this toxic Buddie brew they are in. If nothing else the way the relationship with Tommy was received, the way it garnered press by outlets other than glorified fan blogs like "Fangirlish" and gained them a new audience and the move to ABC all presented an opportunity to combat the toxicity by simply taking the fandom monopoly away from the crazies. But they just did not have the balls and now look at their pathetic attempts to make Brad happen on their IG. Engagement is low and what it there is the usual idiots screaming for Buddie and nothing else.
I hope it was worth it. I don´t see the show getting a 10th season, maybe not even a 9th. The spin off will be cheaper to produce, Peter talked about quitting before and the ratings trend downwards since S6. Not to mention the writing is absolute shit since Tim is back.
Maybe Oliver hopes that Callum Blue is the kind of guy that can get him a job after 911 gets canceled and is worth sucking up to. Last time I checked he couldn´t even get cast on a Hallmark movie so why not try, right? Buddie fans will not follow him either way, I hope he knows that.
Hey, hon. Thanks for the ask. Sorry I haven't posted this or replied before now. I haven't logged into my computer in a few days, have just been doing everything on my phone, and I didn't want to try to reply to this on my phone, that would takes ages.
I've been in the 911 fandom since two months after the last episode of season 1 aired. Oliver and 911 shot themselves in the foot by not shooting this Bvddie bullshit down from the very beginning. They've spent years leading Bvddie fans on, purposely having scenes with Buck and Eddie that cause the lunatics to see things that aren't there, because it gives the show more engagement.
Oliver and 911 know that Bvddie fans will never stop watching the show because they're so sure that at some point, 911 and Oliver will give in and make Bvddie canon because 'it's what they deserve'. At least, that's the bullshit I've read a lot of on Twitter and other places. What Bvddie fans don't understand, is they aren't owed shit.
I learned this the hard way when I was in the 100 fandom. I, and many other Bellarke fans thought that since we were loyal fans of the show, we'd be rewarded by getting Bellarke eventually. But just like Bvddie is never going to happen, Bellarke never happened. The writers and show runners had no interest in going there. They just liked to bait fans. Just like 911 does, with Buck and Eddie.
I personally feel like Oliver was relieved that all the hate was getting thrown at Lou and not himself, and he got a break from those assholes for a few months. But now that Lou and Tommy are gone, they're just going to go back to harassing him because Bvddie isn't canon and never will be, and those dumbasses can't cope.
Oliver knows that if he ever truly tells the Bvddie fans that it's never going to happen, he'll lose a large majority of his fan base. So, he just doesn't say anything. He encourages their twisted thinking and doesn't put them in their place when they're being assholes. Neither does Tim, so it's a monster of their own making. (The Bvddie fandom)
I can't speak on anything to do with the actresses of the other LI's. For many years since I started watching the show, I didn't interact with other fans much. The only time I did, was when I wrote fanfiction when I was a Bvddie shipper for 2 years, but after I found out what a bunch of toxic assholes they were, I ditched that fandom and am so glad I did.
Yeah, I check out the 911 IG page every few days because that's all I can stand. I can't look at it daily. All the Bvddie bullshit on every post claiming 'Bvddie canon, season 8!' It makes me roll my eyes so hard it hurts. Also, the way those idiots talk, like Buck and Tommy weren't in a relationship, like Buck is Eddie's one true love, and the other father of Chris.. God, I can't help but tell them how stupid they are for believing that. Especially since Ryan said in an interview that Chis has only one dad, and Buck sure as fuck ain't it.
The show will be lucky if it gets a season 9. This season is just not good, and I mean that honestly. Putting aside the BuckTommy of it all, it's crap. They focused too much on that Brad character which was a fucking waste of screen time. They traumatized Henren and their kids, had a plot that ended like within 5 minutes with Ortiz, had a decent start for Gerrard being a bad guy and dropped him for BRAD! Who the fuck cares about fucking Brad? No one.
When it comes to the IG posts, the first few days and maybe weeks after the BT breakup, both fans and GA made their feelings about the out of the blue breakup known, but after fighting the stupid Bvddie fans in the comments for a few days, most people backed off. I've gotten messages from people on IG who are BT and GA fans, who said that just like a lot of my comments on the IG page, their comments were removed for supporting BT, and for dishing out some of the bs that the Bvddie's have been doing for years. Which once again shows that the people who man the 911 IG page, are catering to the most toxic assholes in the fandom. Every fucking post on the 911 IG has bullshit about Bvddie going canon, but people who talk about BT, or who even dare to criticize, in a nice way even, who criticize the plots being cut off, making no sense, the characters doing things that are out of character, they get deleted. But yet the lunatic's comments remain on the posts. IF the show gets renewed for season 9, I'm betting it will be the last. This season so far has just been a shitshow. In terms of the writing for the show, and in terms of the Bvddie fans taking being complete assholes, to the highest degree imaginable. I don't give a shit about Brad the character or his actor. I hate the character, he fucking annoys me. I didn't find any of this plot funny, just irritating and I want him gone. The mains were pushed to the background this season for Brad, some dumbass that's not some great character, but some idiot.
Also, Oliver is like a child. He only cares about praise and ass kissers. He says what will cause him to look good. I remember there was one time a few years ago, where he had some contact with a Bvddie fan and when the fan said that he was a dick for leading people on about Bvddie if it's not going to happen, he snapped back and said that he was just an actor doing this job and to stop being so mean to him.
In my opinion, he's a fucking moron who did it to himself. Him and Tim. As I said above, they could've gotten the assholes under control or even gotten rid of them from the start by being honest and just saying their stupid Bvddie is never going to happen. But no, they're too worried about ratings dropping, so they throw in Bvddie scenes every now and then to keep baiting those fans and they eat it all up.
Every time Buck and Eddie share a scene, those idiot's are all, "It's happening! Bvddie canon, y'all!" And then nothing ever happens, and those assholes get mad at being baited once again. It's been 7 1/2 seasons. If Bvddie were ever going to go canon, it would've happened by now.
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Having watched the whole video I think my prediction was pretty on the money. Essentially the video is trying to downplay "the wedge": the typical depiction of Cannae as Hannibal's troops starting out thrusting forward like an arrow, "bending" backwards on retreat, baiting the romans into a pocket and allowing them to be surrounded:
And I do truly respect his point vis a vis the simulation, he is right on the money here. The above neat little graphics do mask how the size of the armies makes such tight encirclements a bit sketch:
In all likelihood there was less of a "bowl" and more of a bending line that was pressuring the flanks and then Carthaginian cavalry won their side battles and so could hit the rear.
But my two points in the first post still rear their heads for most of Invicta's argument. I do get how a layperson is tricked by diagrams like the one above, but the authors of them understood that they were stylistic representations. They were never trying to imply actual distances or anything like that. And to go broader, "old" military history was very obsessed with "generalship", the sort of clever gambits the generals would come up with that they claimed decided the battles. "Oh if we trick the enemy to go right, we can hit them from the left" and that is why army X beat army Y. But more modern historians understand that this isn't true. I have explained this before with the "a duck's encirclement or a rabbit's breakthrough" bit:
Is this a picture of red encircling blue? Or is it a picture of blue breaking through red's line? You only think it is the former because of all the red arrows - if I edited it with some blue thrust arrows instead you would absolutely believe it is the latter. "On the ground" those look the same. A general's attempt to "penetrate" the enemy line only looks good when it succeeds, and it succeeds more often based on other things like morale, tactics, pre-battle prep, etc. The operational maneuvers are relatively minor. So if you ask historians today "why did Hannibal win at Cannae", they no longer think that his Genius Wedge somehow reshaped the battlefield; instead his troops were better, the terrain was to his advantage, and they just fought and won the day (and ofc the operational stuff probably helped). This truth dents the idea of there being some "lie" to disprove around Cannae, those diagrams were never literal.
The other half is all the embedded assumptions he brings in - because his computer model is really only good for exploring the scale of the battle, all of his explanations for things need to revolve around scale. Rigid thinking has to dominate to make that long, narrow peg fit into some round holes. For example, Hannibal's Libyan troops are the thicker square at the edge of the main force (the flank lines are cavalry on both sides), and they will "encircle" the Romans. Invicta spends a bunch of time on this flank maneuver, essentially going "look how small this group is, how could it encircle?":
Which has impeccable vibes to be clear, 10/10 presentation:
But his entire argument here, what all those arrows are trying to explain, is "look at how many Roman soldiers there are! They couldn't have punched through. So how did they move around this flank? What did the Romans do in response to their maneuvers?" And I don't know man, maybe they just punched through. By winning the battle. That is what armies do!! Sometimes they fight, and one side wins. The Roman morale on that front broke, some ran, some retreated, some tripped over each other - the Roman depth combined with their untrained units is even often suggested to be a double-edged sword in that they may have created crowding-like chaos as parts of the front went south. We don't know ofc, we don't have enough detailed sources to say - but this doesn't need an explanation, it isn't a plot hole.
And "maybe they just did that" comes up for his biggest point - that because the scale is huge, the "wedge" must have been shallow so the distanced covered stays small:
Here he outlines how even his "shallow" wedge model above implies the Carthaginians must have retreated almost 2000 feet, a "nearly impossible task", so it probably couldn't be a deeper wedge that would create more of a pocket. Except that isn't an impossible task! Roman-era armies could typically march ~15-20 miles a day, and each soldier was carrying their entire equipment pack with them - and that wasn't even a forced march, that is normal speed. They weren't called "Marius's Mules" for nothing guys. There have been countless in-combat movements across distances like that, it isn't even rare (Pickett's charge was 1,200 meters into a storm of bullets!)
I think Invicta has misconceptions about how these battles went - they were not quick affairs. A line-style encounter like this would typically go on for hours; they could even last the whole day. There would be lulls, troops would rotate out, etc. The retreat of the wedge could have taken place over multiple hours - a typical person can walk 2000 feet in under ten minutes. Orderly retreats are not typically running routs after all, but I certainly think trained men could jog this. It probably wasn't even all at once! Why do you think it is, right? Polybius never says.
He also ignores that his numbers only apply to the lead of the wedge - everyone else has to retreat less of a distance. The Gauls were handpicked to be that lead, and this was apparently the plan. Sounds like maybe they prepped to run, you know? Their fastest men had to beat a fighting retreat for X kilometers. I again do not think this is a plot hole requiring explanation.
I wanna end on this quote from Polybius, our primary source for the battle:
Thus it came about, as Hannibal had planned, that the Romans were caught between two hostile lines of Libyans—thanks to their impetuous pursuit of the Celts. Still the Romans fought, though no longer in line, yet singly, or in maniples, which faced about to meet those who charged them on the flanks.
This is before any cavalry add to the flanking maneuver in the text. Polybius is not describing here an army that is losing because it was "flanked on all sides". What he is describing is an army that, as a consequence of its advance, fell out of formation and failed to respond to the enemy in time. They aren't holding discipline, they didn't pursue the center cleanly, the flank attack hit the men harder than they expected, and things are getting messy. You do not need a 180-360 degree encirclement to explain this: this is a story of tactics, discipline, and morale.
And that is the story that is literally in the primary source for the battle. Is it true? Eh, who knows. How does Polybius know any of this shit, right? He wasn't there! What I am saying is that Polybius's story contains Invicta's argument within it, these stories are compatible. So I don't think one can call The Narrative of Cannae a lie.
Though again, just to clarify, this is "praising with harsh critique" - his framing is clickbaity but the video has a ton of research, perfectly valid thing to argue about. I enjoyed it!
(However, final note: throughout the whole video the simulation is shown a lot, but it doesn't move? It is static "snapshots" of different moments in time. He mentions a follow-up video, maybe it will do more then. But if the model doesn't actually simulate the battle at all, it isn't really doing any more than a correctly scaled diagram would do, and is much more work. Looks cool though, valid enough reason!)
youtube
Fuck seed oil discourse, fuck globalism conspiracy great replacement bullshit, the internet of today sucks. We have to go back, back to the way things were. When men, real men - who may have been catgirls to be clear since you never saw their faces - would tell you what The System refused to say: that your understanding of a battle from 2000+ years ago that you got from Westpoint textbook formation diagrams as bastardized by some other YouTube channel is an inaccurate portrayal of the event based on the 500 hours they spent building a brick-by-brick simulation of the battle in the Unreal engine. Enviously-autistic levels of devotion to a topic that is never, ever going to be politically or personally relevant a day of your life.
This is what the internet is for.
Anyway I only just started watching, but I can tell I am gonna be a fighter with dear Invicta up here. My bet is that 50% of this video's point is going to be the perfectly correct statement that the 1970's model of the battle that people have in their minds is wrong. Back when academics read Livy, read Polybius, and were like "yep, these two authors who are honestly contradicting themselves 20% of the time sound legit, let's take em at their word". Which is a valid point to make, obviously, I just bet the branding of the video will run a bit of aground of the need to cite the dozens of more modern academics who already know this. You have "you are wrong about Cannae" articles dating back to the 90's, and that is just one I knew off the top of my head - I have no doubt there are earlier ones. Cannae's sources are spotty, and our understanding of it will always be vague and debated.
The other 50% is going to be what I would call "model devotion" - essentially taking the conclusions of the model as a sort of gospel. But the model is, of course, built from the same vague guesswork as the spotty sources, and is a process of embedding assumptions. Right in the opening he declares that "once you realize how big the battle is, the idea of an organized retreat over a distance of a kilometer is impossible to consider" idk man I can consider it! Have you looked at military history? People do crazy shit, particularly when they are prepared to do it. If Nasir could lead men 600 miles across the desert to attack Aqaba by land, I think these guys can fight for a few kilometers. Doesn't mean they did, but in particular if it was so crazy contemporary sources probably would have pointed it out themselves (Polybius, not Livy - Livy sucks). People tend to over-assume the ignorance of the past - Cannae was a momentous event. Romans wanted to understand it, and we should extend at least some credit to them on that front.
But again, I have only watched a little bit of it - overall it looks great, really! He clearly did a ton of research and work, anyone who is building custom maps of the Aufidus River's historical floodplain to estimate various battle site locations deserves all the credit in the world. I will watch the whole thing, maybe he will convince me!
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#barboach#their mouth is so tiny… like… i know they're a fish and all but. it's so small. how do they get anything in there#barboach is that one “4x weakness to grass my beloved” bitch who always threw me off as a kid when i was trying to beat it#because i would be like. ah yes. this is a Fish. i will use an electric-type move. wah-wah#unfortunately that tendency persisted quite a while for me. i think i did it even in legends arceus to be quite honest. but i know now#i have it memorized. this bitch and whiscash are ground-types. for. no reason. i guess it's because they live in swamps or whatever#and so. ground? but also whiscash's pond doesn't really look like a swamp. wouldn't lend itself to being a ground-type zone#i dunnoooo. i think there's a lot of passion for barboach out there tbqh. i don't think i've seen it with my eyes but it just Feels like a#'mon people would be passionate about. any barboach out there please let me know how the hell you are using tumblr with no arms#and from underwater. do you have special water computers. and also why are you a ground-type. thanks
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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the internet was a mistake
#atlas entry#trying to file a change of address bc i just moved#first of all I googled ���usps change of address” and the actual site was like the third result down#then while filling out the form I accidentally misspelled my name and it wouldn't let me go back#so i exited out the tab and tried again and it's like“#“you already started a change of address so you need to enter the 16-digit confirmation code we emailed you”#check me email. no code#go back to the site#“it may take up to 73 hours for your change of address to show up in our system”#I would do it on my computer but I Just Moved And Don't Have My Internet Set Up Yet#that's *72 hours see how hard it is typing on a phone#also they spammed the hell out of me with offers and coupons and I'm like I don't fucking care#no i don't want 20% off of Bed Bath and Beyond I want to change my fucking address why is this so hard
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fun guessing game you get to have with your family when you're mixed: was the shit they pulled racially motivated or not
#they brought home a job app for me for a hibachi place#i am pretty happy with doing my cleaning + art tho and i don't really want to do anything culinary or food service related#i'd rather just get more hours again cleaning :/ idk i'll think about it but i don't handle time-pressure well#cleaning is good for me because as long as i accomplish the tasks i am okay and i can do them in any order i want#anyway i have to be careful though because if i go too long without 'working enough' for their tastes they start taking furniture out of#my room lol#thankfully i finally was able to buy most of my own furniture though during my job so the only things they could take now are like#the tv bookcase and fan#i guess they could take the computer too but they gave that to me years ago so it would be kinda weird if they did#i am a grown ass man but i'm probably not gonna be free from this shit until i can finally move out#gahhh it is what it is#i'm gonna text my boss on monday and see if there's any open buildings i could take for at least another day of work#if not then i'll pick up something random i guess#but i honestly like having more time/energy to work on my art even though being home more sometimes sucks#i might try to do longer days to make up for it?#idk. lots to think about.
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gods, why didn't i get a college degree in anything useful?
#i've known since the day it unceremoniously came in the mail that my degree is worth less than the paper it's printed on#yeah i needed to college experience for social and lersonal growth#but why couldn't i have gotten something out of it that can help me find a damn job?#what was the fucking point of going through all that?#(the social and personal growth obviously)#ahgggggg#i'm too broke and disabled to go back to school NOW#(the way i'm coping with the anxiety of waiting to hear back about the internal job i just interviewed for#is to have Officially Decided That I'll Be Rejected Out Of Hand. So What Do I Do Next?#it hurts but at least i can move forward if the worst come to pass#and it gives me something to do while i'm Waiting#ughhhhh#why couldn't i have sold my damn soul and gotten the shitty computer science degree my school had??#i remember visiting a house a friend was pet-sitting for and seeing the couple's gaming setup#and just seeing dollar signs. they both worked in computer science and made $$$#but at the time it sounded like the worst thing in the world#and i'd already changed my major once... loved what i was studying... and had my dad breathing down my neck about how much my education cost#i'm so lucky i don't have debt. thanks to my grampa. but holy hell did my dad lord that inheritance over me and make me dance for it#i don't think he ever got over grampa pulling *his* college funding bc he spent college fucking around and dropped out#couldn't wrap his head around that the narrow thing he'd trained me to be would never follow in his 'rebelious' footsteps#i beat myself up over A-'s there was no way i'd do anything other than take my grades seriously#but that was the problem. i was worried about grades and what sounded bearable to learn. not what was realistic to do with it#i wanted to get a fucking phd! with what fucking money!!!!#of course not that i had the support or the maturity to understand what it meant to choose an education that could grant me a career#but who can i blame if not myself?#dad always said i had to Go To College. there was no choice in not going. but as soon as college came he shoved me out the door#and slammed shut. how was i supposed to know what to do without him there to make me do things all of a sudden?#that took nearly a decade to learn dammit#personal
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The night is young and I am free to do whatever my heart desires but unfortunately I have once again found myself trapped in the Time Prison and so I
#the good old 'I don't feel like doing anything including doing nothing and I want to go to bed but I know I'm not tired'#WEH.#I'm enjoying typing but I don't want to commit to practicing typing for real so I'm just making excuses to type more#I was looking at custom ESC keycaps because I was thinking about that whole community of ppl obsessed with keyboards and like I get it I#like the clicky clacking and keyboards can look so pretty but some of those key caps man wtf.#why would you want 3D transparent donald duck ESC key from temu what is wrong with you#saw a set of key caps that were little kittys with little kitty ears n I was like fuuuuuuuuuck#49.00 USD probably 100000 CAD+shipping goto helllll#I was thinking about what if I had like confetti keycaps and a custom kittycake esc key or like an actual little cake and matching desk mat#or even just a new cute mousepad cuz mine is old as fuck and I spilled vegetable cream stew on it once#and then I was thinking like sighhh and wouldn't it be cool to have arcade carpet on the stairs leading down to my basement hovel and#rainbow lights along the ceiling corners and what if I painting my bedroom like I wanted to do and sighhhhh#I haven't been wasting my money buying shit like that but I'm thinking about it again.#but the same thing stopping me from doing anything at all is stopping me from wasting my money which like that's good I guess???????#gosh I really like typing why did I stop doing daily typing practice#oh yea The Thing Stopping Me From Doing Anything At All#meow meowm meow meow meow#ok I really gotta tear myself away from my computer and brush my teethses and try going to bed#I already played minecraft earlier it's fine I didn't do NOTHING tonight it just feels like I did#and tomorrow is another day#and next week is a short work week thank fucking christ almighty#literally cuz its easter sunday and he was in that tomb but he escaped or whatever he did#thanks jeezy boy#you maybe shoulda milked it for like half a week at least#moved the big ass boulder like have an inch at a time#*pause for laughter*#that s from my new stand up comedy routine do uiuop like it djfskll;askjdgflksjdflksajdflksjdf the dsjalkjfolidasfgjoiweljsdalkjflskdjflak#meowww#I am the only one I know on here who 'talks' this fucking much about absolutely nothing#I do all this and my poor followers can click read more and spend time reading alllllll this garbage
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me: yeah so we haven't had a meeting about it yet, but I asked my coworkers about past interns and why they left; chances are they won't hire me full time at my internship immediately. However, the chances of having it extended are pretty good, and I like what I'm doing, and they're going to be talking about budget in July. Sure my finances are a little tight but--
my sperm donor (only slightly exaggerated): look for a new job immediately and tell them if they won't hire you full time you're leaving. and no, I don't care if you don't find something in your industry and you have to settle for a job that will make you hate being alive even more than you already do. Also I'm going to ignore how long it took you to find this internship to begin with
me:
#dylawa rambles#dylawa rants#this man gives zero fucks about actually seeing me go into what I fucking trained to do he just wants me to make him money#i am literally sick to my stomach right now thinking about job hunting again#'i want to see you successful and happy' okay why are you still charging me rent then#why are you making job hunting even more of a traumatic experience than it already is#literally said to him 'I don't trust my chances of finding a new job within two months' and his response: 'oh well go work customer service#it took me MONTHS to find just this internship and it's a miracle it's paid at all#it's in a nice office with nice people and i have my own computer and they feed me almost daily!#i'll live another six months in this hellhole if it means I get a guaranteed post-internship job like this#is it the ideal job? absolutely the hell not#the commute sucks i don't have work from home so i can't get away with doing other shit on the side#i feel limited in what the role requires of me vs what I'd like to make#but good fuck it's better than food service or retail#but nooooo he needs me to be his little rent cash cow without him feeling guilty about it#very tempted to bail even if it means I start eating through my savings a little bit#I don't know if I can go through the daily interrogations of 'did you apply? why aren't you hearing back? it's your fault' again#i have somewhere to go but I'm trying to keep it very 'last resort' territory#A) it would make my current work commute twice as long#B) it would require completely burning bridges with my old man bc I'd have to move out in secret#not just because i don't want him to know where the people who are sheltering me live#but also because if he saw that place even if he was willingly letting me move out he'd say 'absolutely not'#because I don't trust him not to do something weird. not necessarily DANGEROUS but. weird.#I want to burn all bridges someday!#but even now that I own my car it's still not the safest course of action#I'm so sick of being stuck dawg!#dylawa vents
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for the record, sorry i’m not ignoring my asks rn but my brain is really not computing atm (rough day, very hard time thinking clearly) so i prefer to answer the asks once i’m in a better brain situation
just to make sure that if i reblog a few things the people i’m leaving on read know i’m going to get to those a little later o7 thank you for your understanding
#day's been rough and i can barely compute or even do anything#currently laying on the sofa incapable to move#and the one time i told myself come on you just need to motivate yourself - get up and go fetch a water bottle at least#i managed to get up only to fall right the next second and not manage to get up afterward#so this is the pitiful state right now i'm allowing myself a brain vacation#ik i don't really have to apologize for it bc i'm sure the people in my asks are totally understanding and would say 'take your time' & all#but if i reblog a couple of things i just want to make it clear just in case :sob:#ichatalks
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...
#ok. so the guy from school i visited emailed me today like: good news! we unanimously voted to extend u an offer here#so expect the formal offer in the next week. and im like uuuugh i wanna say yes so bad#bc in the us i would have more flexibility in the program than i would in the uk#and my options in the us r either to b a big fish in a small pond at this schoolor a little fish in a big pond at the other#bc this school is underfunded and a bit isolated out in the mountains but the staff r pretty great and big egos dont seem like a big issue#but if i go to the other school its like a big well funded school. the application was like 75 dollars. fuck u and really annoying#and i mean id have to live in new jersey. so in the city with city driving and prob a more high pressure school environment#and more of a chance of dealing with big egos. but like career wise im sure it would b good. assuming i don't mentally collapse#but i mean that doesnt seem as fun as spending 5 years out in the rocky mountains#like thry have fucking moose and bears! there were deer and turkeys in town!#and my dad just sent me a video of all the spring peepers singing back home and im like 😭 bc froggies and he was like i bet u could find#frogs out in [redacted city] and im like 😭 ur right. it just seems like the better choice for my poor overtaxed brain and the project is#so cool too. i want to get the cyano species as my computer background asap. and the guy is nice and apparently super supportive#and i could probably walk to hiking trails. god. i mean i have to say yes to that. i wanna say yes so bad. send me the formal offer bro#ill fucking take it before i even hear back from the other schools lol. ugh. i hate making choices#oof i am so excited to kno where im going and plan my departure. its gonna b such a pain moving tho i pray that my mum or dad can drive#with me bc otherwise the 20hr drive by myself might kill me. thats almost as bad as my initial move out here lol. the us is so big#ugh. again choices. is this the right choice? probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. the project feels so right. cyanobacteria#my algal group of choice. and hot springs. how tf do u say to no to that? i mean. id b doing that in new jersey too but with red algae#ugh. put me out of this misery lol. also as an aside. shout out to my fucking disaster brain for not being able to focus on a single thing#my boss in a meeting: so glad to have students and staff so excited to b working on this project!! me: lady i hate that im on this project#bc im just sitting in until they can get an actual student. i just do what im told but appreciate the enthusiasm lol#ay. im so tired. i wanna see the snow and mountains. and fix my head. and get outta the desert. and listen to frogs 🐸 😌#unrelated
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I got my flat pretty much set up after the move and now I'm exhausted, can I sleep for a thousand years
#noopa rambles#I haven't put up my photo/card wall yet#or other framed wall art either#it's always a pain to try to hang it up straight alone#imma make a friend help me with them tomorrow#if only I knew how exactly I wanna put them up#the wall by my computer requires something to look at#the blank white wall will drive me nuts otherwise#but I don't think I have a thing I wanna hang up there#might also swap one thing from the entrance elsewhere and put a different thing there#or then try to repaint a little mirror that's next to the framed puzzle#the galaxy puzzle and the maple leaf mirror don't exactly match lmao#my lemon poster would match the mirror much better but the galaxy matches the thing beneath it better#or then I should just move the little mirror#I put it up there just bc there happened to be a hook on a convenient height there#I also don't yet have the air fryer I plan to steal from my grandma (with permission)#(she tried to give it to me months ago already but old flat had a tiny kitchen no space for an airfryer)#(now I have all the space in the world)#i just need to figure out what sort of thing I'd like behind the computer#do I want an art print or perhaps a tapestry or a lot of littel frames#can't have it empty or brain goes kaput while working
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I literally can't focus on a single task I have gotten nothing productive done in days and my brain just will not cooperate I am losing my goddamn mind!!! I need a distraction desperately but can't seem to find one that sticks!!!
#Guys if I don't find a way to be productive/tick some shit off my to-do list I might pull my hair out#I just can't focus for shit. My brain is supplying 40 different tasks that need to be done but I can't get through a single one#or I start the task but immediately feel overwhelmed/uninspired and the dread sets in and then I want to stop the task#and some of the tasks I want to do are just inaccessible at the moment but I can't drop them from my mind!!! Like my brain won't move on -#from some of the tasks I absolutely cannot tackle at this moment with my computer's limitations#Truly I am in hell rn#my brain is holding me hostage and all I can do is post about it on fucking tumblr dot com lmao I can't#you have to laugh because it's like... this year has sucked so bad lmfao and if I don't laugh I would have to cry#and I have done enough of that!!!!! Like I'm good on the feelings I just want to be PRODUCTIVE#also I'm hungry but everything I could eat sounds repulsive rn?? Like I want to eat but NOT the food available to me#my brain is like 'Nope... that food doesn't sound appetizing at all' to everything!!!! I have no idea why I am averse to all foods rn!!!!#(it's adhd combined with recent events of grief and all that. I know what the problem is but I'm going to bitch anyway)#also this gif is so dumb I love it lmfao. Very much how I feel rn#okay that's all byeeeeee#personal#gif warning
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couldn't fall asleep and started feeling depressed and anxious and horribly paranoid about my future so guess who's on tumblr at 12:15 a.m.
#my phone's in the front and my computer was already put up#but i just. could not go to sleep. no matter how hard i tried#i was on the verge of a mental breakdown i guess#i feel like i'm going to lose contact with all my friends#like all of my close friends are either going to a completely different college or aren't even graduating yet#and out of all of my friends i have the furthest driving distance to their cities and i hate driving#like everyone will be living within an hour of each other EXCEPT ME i'm gonna be at least three hours away#and i hate driving so much it stresses me out i think i'm just gonna die on the road and have no future#and i made an insta specifically to attempt to keep contact but idk what i'm doing and idk if it'll even work#i feel like i'm just gonna be another name that people see#i'm so scared of being alone and i'm so scared of losing the people i love#and i'm so scared of them forgetting about me or losing interest in me#they're so important to me but i'm afraid i'm going to stop being important to them#god i'm afraid of leaving the damn cat. she's going to forget about me too#i'm so bad at keeping contact with people i don't know what i'm going to do#i'm so scared of trying to talk to people bc i always think i'm just annoying them no matter how close we are#people say we'll keep in contact but i know i'm just going to be too scared to put in the effort and then they'll stop too#i dunno i miss the times when we fantasized about leaving the country and moving together with all our friends#i wish that could be a reality#and we're going to be so busy too so even just trying to coordinate something won't work#i should have made an insta sooner fuck this is stupid. if i made it sooner i would have more time to create connections and get used to it#rather than just sit there not knowing what to do#i'm just scared of losing everything i know#well fuck i forgot i had attachment issues. i forgot that was literally one of the most substantial aspects of my early childhood trauma#fuck why can't i be normal. why can't i be okay. why can't i be a social person and actually be able to talk to people#there's so much i'm going to miss about my friends and my life. i just. idk what i'm gonna do now#i was looking forward to it bc i would finally be free from the grasp of my parents but at what cost?
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