#I would do it but I don't have the software for it and it's KILLING me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lokisremainingsanity · 3 months

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Wrecked

Chapter 1

König picks up a cute chick from her work, and he's finally got something sweet to hyper fixate on.

You get kidnapped by a wild wolf and no one's coming to save you.

(kudos to you if you've already started it on ao3)

~ ava!🍓

SecureTech Corps.

That’s what the sign reads on the building you’re walking into. You’ve been searching for a company that meets your needs after you finally got your bachelors in computer science. It’s a government building.. Or at least you think. That’s the conclusion you come to just because of the amount of guards in uniform you see around the perimeter, and the fancy ID’s you need to check in with.

Some software company that needs some projects done for them, computers fixed, and at the end of the day, just the job done. Vacations? They don’t mind. And that’s what you love best. It pays well, and everyone knows a stress free job with unlimited vacations and good pay makes a girl treat herself right.

You strut by the serious guards with a smile and a skip, your heels clicking and clacking all the way to your cubicle. Today is Wednesday, so of course, the outfit is a white dress shirt, a pink thigh-length skirt, and all the pink bracelets you own.

This time, you have a delivery. The note with the computer on your desk reads “Needs software work” in a hurried writing. You turn it on and start to do your thing. Jingling and shaking sounds fill the room, your bracelets continue to clash with your fast typing hands.

Another plus, no bitchy coworkers come at your ass for every little thing you do that they don't like. Every key typed deepens you concentration, and as you were about to end the code with a slash, everything went wild.

An explosion from downstairs shook the building. Fire can be seen rising from the windows. You look out the other wall length windows, and one second they were unbroken, unlike the opposing side of the room.

Next second, big masked men dressed in black are descending from above with ropes and shattering the glass with their entrance. Frightened, you took cover directly under your desk. The guards were fighting the strange intruders and while you couldn’t see them, you could hear the struggle, the gunfire, the thuds of bodies dropping. You think you’re hyperventilating, fuck, you can’t breathe. The next round of gunfire you hear has you shivering so hard you can hear your teeth clattering. You don’t know if it’s your bodily reaction or teargas, but tears start stinging in your eyes.

Everyone was being attacked by the ambushing soldiers and during that, they took in people for interrogation. While under your desk trying to hide, König spotted cute shiny beige heels with a pink bow at the tips and a singular pearl in the middle of the bow glimmering. He walked towards the desk and kneeled down with an arm on top of the desk, and found you, whimpering once you’ve been caught.

“Well hallo, Kätzchen '' you could hear the amusement in his voice. A cute shivering kitty crouched away, shivering with big wide eyes. The hand that's not on the table moves to touch you, but you immediately slither and drag yourself into the corner even further, your heels clink against the floor multiple times as you flail away from the intruder.

König wants to laugh at the sight. You look like Bambi's first time on ice, a baby fawn who knows nothing and can barely stand straight.

“Please” you don’t recognize your own voice, all small and frail. Hell, you don’t know what you’re begging for. Freedom? Mercy? A quick death? He’s.. observing you. Very intently. You don’t know why he hasn’t killed you yet for being associated with this company.

Does he want you to talk?

Admit to your apparent crimes?

“I… just.. Make it quick..” you stutter out.

“Make what quick?” his thick accent comes out as confused. “My.. death?” You can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth, there’s no filter, you don’t know who’s piloting you but you feel utterly terrified and irrational.

“Why would I kill such a cute thing like you, Kätzchen, what a waste that would be, no?” Oh. Oh wow. What now? Flutter your lashes and agree? Oh yes, Mister Big Scary Military man, I’m too adorable to kill!

You lick your dry lips and let out a staggering sigh, “I’m with them…”

He lets out a loud, full belly laugh at what you just suggested. In the midst of gunfire and killing, he seems to find humor.

“Nein, you are not with them. You’re far too adorable for that line of work,” he chuckles, his amusement evident despite the chaos around you two. “Come out, schatzi, this is not where you belong.” the strange man with a low tone.

You don’t make a move, just simply ducking your head and looking up at him through your lashes with your non-blinking, frightened eyes. ‘You look like prey’ König thinks. You’re a little lamb and he’s the big bad wolf, simply pretending to play hero to manipulate you in your state of shock.

“Come out Kätzchen…” he speaks to you the way you would speak to a small stray cat.

You sniffle. He watches.

“Tut, störrische kleine Katze..” he mutters under his breath. What is he saying?

Suddenly, he stands up. You look at his khaki cargo pants and thick heavy boots, in question, when suddenly the dark corner you were in is unveiled. König lifts the desk up, and dumps it right behind him, papers scattered all over the glass-laden floor and a computer crashing down. The software problem now turned into a hardware problem for sure. He turns around to your unmoving figure, staring up at him in fear.

König crouches near you, and you fold your legs away from him. Your mind is running and your heart is racing, and you can tell your defense system has chosen flight over fight. Or maybe not.

“Kätzchen, this is for your own good…” he starts, before he scoops you up in his big arms. Suddenly you’re 7 feet up in the air.

Your legs are kicking and your arms are flailing. “NO, LET ME GO!” You scream out, desperation ringing in your voice.

You almost get a hit on him with those thick heels no matter how hard you fought, ultimately, one pinch to your neck from his thick fingers is all it took to render you still.

Dotted blackness filled your vision and your body went slack in his arms. “Shhh, Das ist es, gutes Mädchen."

When you wake up, you find yourself in a small white room. It’s mostly bare, and it looks like someone just slapped a mattress in the middle of it and a small rounded table with long legs and decided to throw you in. Your heels and jewelry have been taken off. Your hands go up in your hair to try to soothe the pounding headache you have. “Fuckk” you groan out tiredly. Deciding it's time to try and get up, your legs move slowly to balance you up but your feeble attempt is proven unsuccessful.

Downstairs, König hears a loud thud from the room he put you in. He’s immediately concerned and puts down the thick newspaper on the counter. “Scheiße, was hast du getan!” he’s grumbling under his breath like a mother who took her eye off her knowingly troublesome child as he makes his way up the stairs and straight to your room.

You haven’t gotten up yet. The embarrassment of your falling off a freaking mattress, not even a bed, has you late to regain your dignity. The door bursts open, and there stands a worried König in a wide stance. Of course, he finds no threat, but instead looks down to see you on the ground, cheek to the floor and heat spreading through your entire body. If the floor could eat you, you’d submit to it at this moment.

“Ahh, du ungeschicktes Kleines” he’s shaking his head disapprovingly while crouching down to carry you and he sits down on the mattress with you on his lap.

“What are you even saying?!” you try to put distance away from yourself and him but its useless.

König takes a finger and boops you right on the nose with it. “Clumsy.”

His laugh echoes through the room at your scrunched up face. “no” “Yes.” “I’m not clumsy. It’s your fault my legs are still paralyzed!” your words bashed him while your hands extended to point at your feet.

“Ja, you are right Kätzchen. And I will make sure to remedy your feet.” König declares adoringly. If he wasn’t your kidnapper, maybe you would have felt a little more touched by his tone. Wait, more?? Your heart skipped a beat when he laid you down slowly on the mattress while hovering over you, an action that could’ve been mistaken for something much more intimate.

König’s fingers skimmed down your arms, slowly, and once he was satisfied with his inspection for injuries there, he went back up to your neck.

Two thick fingers brushed against your pulse, and could feel your throbbing pulse. König’s eyes left your exposed neck to your eyes, which couldn’t lie to him. Just a second after eye contact, your heartbeat throbbed even faster and you both knew it.

“Are you nervous, Schatz?” he sounded fucking erotic when his thick accented voice dropped an octave.

“N..no”

“Hmm, perhaps aroused then?” he pretended to inquire but you could hear the teasing undertone.

You narrowed your eyes and shot back at him “Keep your hands to yourself, you creep!”

“Nein, how else would I attend to your needs? You’re now mine to take care of.” König replied with a chilling undertone, his gaze unyielding. “I-I don’t even know who you are”

"König," he said calmly, his voice a low rumble, "remember that name well, for it will be the only one you'll need to know from now on. You don't need to know who I am. Just know that I'll be the one in control now, taking care of everything... including you."

You couldn’t do anything but simply accept his advances. After a very thorough inspection of your upper body (you had to force yourself to try not to flinch when he prodded at your breasts, and even the slightest tensing had König checking the area again and again), he navigated his way down to your legs. Strong, huge hands held your small feet, and the sight had König looking like the beast and you, the beauty. At least to him. Both of his thumbs rubbed on your soles, and a little shiver made him avert his concentrated eyes from your feet to your eyes. “You can feel your feet now, Schatz?”

A meek nod was your answer.

Thankfully, he took it. You don’t understand why he’s acting like this. Suddenly extremely considerate of you. If you questioned it, you’re worried he’ll have a different mood swing.

“Gut.” his hands moved to your calves, thoroughly massaging them. The thick fingers pushing into your skin had goosebumps forming all over your body. König seemed to be taking his time molding your plush body, but when his eyes caught your thighs, he had another destination in mind.

Your legs are suddenly spread open, eagle style. An embarrassing gasp leaves your mouth and you instinctively try to close them back. That proves useless once König scoots up on his knees all the up against your bum. He lifts your thighs over his, and drags you slightly upwards on his open lap.

“I- I think this is rather unnecessary” would it even help to reason with this hard headed beast? “Nein, this is very necessary.” König easily replies. “I think not.” “I think yes.”

Are you really having this banter with your kidnapper right now?

You resort to folding your arms and frowning to hopefully regain your dignity and harden your stance.

‘Brat’ König thinks,

You continue to huff and pout.

‘Cute brat.’ his eyes don’t fail to show his amusement.

But you don’t have any more bite once he’s done entertaining your little pout show and grabs on your thighs, massaging them with strong purpose. You gained back feeling in your legs a while ago, and he knows this, but why would he stop once he got to the best part?

They’re so soft under his rough and blistered hands. Moldable, and warm. Maybe in time, König’s head will be there in place of his hands.

He swears this won’t be the last time he touches your thighs.

Tonight, he lets you sleep alone. In the plain room. He left but not before lifting your leg and placing a kiss on your knee, promising to see your lovely face tomorrow and wishing you goodnight.

You're left alone with your thoughts for the rest of the night. Replaying everything you’ve gone through in the last 24 hours.

The guards.

The bombs.

The fire, guns.

And, now ‘König’.

#konig x reader #cod fanfic #cod smut #konig call of duty #konig cod #konig smut

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kremlin · 1 year

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How DOES the C preprocessor create two generations of completely asinine programmers??

oh man hahah oh maaan. ok, this won't be very approachable.

i don't recall what point i was trying to make with the whole "two generations" part but ill take this opportunity to justifiably hate on the preprocessor, holy fuck the amount of damage it has caused on software is immeasurable, if you ever thought computer programmers were smart people on principle...

the cpp:

there are like forty preprocessor directives, and they all inject a truly mind-boggling amount of vicious design problems and have done so for longer than ive been alive. there really only ever needed to be one: #include , if only to save you the trouble of manually having to copy header files in full & paste them at the top of your code. and christ almighty, we couldn't even get that right. C (c89) has way, waaaay fewer keywords than any other language. theres like 30, and half of those aren't ever used, have no meaning or impact in the 21st century (shit like "register" and "auto"). and C programmers still fail to understand all of them properly, specifically "static" (used in a global context) which marks some symbol as inelligible to be touched externally (e.g. you can't use "extern" to access it). the whole fucking point of static is to make #include'd headers rational, to have a clear seperation between external, intended-to-be-accessed API symbols, and internal, opaque shit. nobody bothers. it's all there, out in the open, if you #include something, you get all of it, and brother, this is only the beginning, you also get all of its preprocessor garbage.

this is where the hell begins:

#if #else

hey, do these look familiar? we already fucking have if/else. do you know what is hard to understand? perfectly minimally written if/else logic, in long functions. do you know what is nearly impossible to understand? poorly written if/else rats nests (which is what you find 99% of the time). do you know what is completely impossible to understand? that same poorly-written procedural if/else rat's nest code that itself is is subject to another higher-order if/else logic.

it's important to remember that the cpp is a glorified search/replace. in all it's terrifying glory it fucking looks to be turing complete, hell, im sure the C++ preprocessor is turing complete, the irony of this shouldn't be lost on you. if you have some long if/else logic you're trying to understand, that itself is is subject to cpp #if/#else, the logical step would be to run the cpp and get the output pure C and work from there, do you know how to do that? you open the gcc or llvm/clang man page, and your tty session's mem usage quadruples. great job idiot. trying figuring out how to do that in the following eight thousand pages. and even if you do, you're going to be running the #includes, and your output "pure C" file (bereft of cpp logic) is going to be like 40k lines. lol.

the worst is yet to come:

#define #ifdef #ifndef (<- WTF) #undef you can define shit. you can define "anything". you can pick a name, whatever, and you can "define it". full stop. "#define foo". or, you can give it a value: "#define foo 1". and of course, you can define it as a function: "#define foo(x) return x". wow. xzibit would be proud. you dog, we heard you wanted to kill yourself, so we put a programming language in your programming language.

the function-defines are pretty lol purely in concept. when you find them in the wild, they will always look something like this:

#define foo(x,y) \ (((x << y)) * (x))

i've seen up to seven parens in a row. why? because since cpp is, again, just a fucking find&replace, you never think about operator precedence and that leads to hilarious antipaterns like the classic

#define min(x,y) a < b ? a : b

which will just stick "a < b ? a: b" ternary statement wherever min(.. is used. just raw text replacement. it never works. you always get bitten by operator precedence.

the absolute worst is just the bare defines:

#define NO_ASN1 #define POSIX_SUPPORTED #define NO_POSIX

etc. etc. how could this be worse? first of all, what the fuck are any of these things. did they exist before? they do now. what are they defined as? probably just "1" internally, but that isn't the point, the philosophy here is the problem. back in reality, in C, you can't just do something like "x = 0;" out of nowhere, because you've never declared x. you've never given it a type. similar, you can't read its value, you'll get a similar compiler error. but cpp macros just suddenly exist, until they suddenly don't. ifdef? ifndef? (if not defined). no matter what, every permutation of these will have a "valid answer" and will run without problem. let me demonstrate how this fucks things up.

do you remember "heartbleed" ? the "big" openssl vulnerability ? probably about a decade ago now. i'm choosing this one specifically, since, for some reason, it was the first in an annoying trend for vulns to be given catchy nicknames, slick websites, logos, cable news coverage, etc. even though it was only a moderate vulnerability in the grand scheme of things...

(holy shit, libssl has had huge numbers of remote root vulns in the past, which is way fucking worse, heartbleed only gave you a random sampling of a tiny bit of internal memory, only after heavy ticking -- and nowadays, god, some of the chinese bluetooth shit would make your eyeballs explode if you saw it; a popular bt RF PHY chip can be hijacked and somehow made to rewrite some uefi ROMs and even, i think, the microcode on some intel chips)

anyways, heartbleed, yeah, so it's a great example since you could blame it two-fold on the cpp. it involved a generic bounds-checking failure, buf underflow, standard shit, but that wasn't due to carelessness (don't get me wrong, libssl is some of the worst code in existence) but because the flawed cpp logic resulted in code that:

A.) was de-facto worthless in definition B.) a combination of code supporting ancient crap. i'm older than most of you, and heartbleed happened early in my undergrad. the related legacy support code in question hadn't been relevant since clinton was in office.

to summarize, it had to do with DTLS heartbeats. DTLS involves handling TLS (or SSLv3, as it was then, in the 90s) only over UDP. that is how old we're talking. and this code was compiled into libssl in the early 2010s -- when TLS had been the standard for a while. TLS (unlike SSLv3 & predecessors) runs over TCP only. having "DTLS heartbeat support in TLS does not make sense by definition. it is like drawing a triangle on a piece of paper whose angles don't add up to 180.

how the fuck did that happen? the preprocessor.

why the fuck was code from last century ending up compiled in? who else but!! the fucking preprocessor. some shit like:

#ifndef TCP_SUPPORT <some crap related to UDP heartbeats> #endif ... #ifndef NO_UDP_ONLY <some TCP specific crap> #endif

the header responsible for defining these macros wasn't included, so the answer to BOTH of these "if not defined" blocks is true! because they were never defined!! do you see?

you don't have to trust my worldview on this. have you ever tried to compile some code that uses autoconf/automake as a build system? do you know what every single person i've spoken to refers to these as? autohell, for automatic hell. autohell lives and dies on cpp macros, and you can see firsthand how well that works. almost all my C code has the following compile process:

"$ make". done. Makefile length: 20 lines.

the worst i've ever deviated was having a configure script (probably 40 lines) that had to be rune before make. what about autohell? jesus, these days most autohell-cursed code does all their shit in a huge meta-wrapper bash script (autogen.sh), but short of that, if you decode the forty fucking page INSTALL doc, you end up with:

$ automake (fails, some shit like "AUTOMAKE_1.13 or higher is required) $ autoconf (fails, some shit like "AUTOMCONF_1.12 or lower is required) $ aclocal (fails, ???) $ libtoolize (doesn't fail, but screws up the tree in a way that not even a `make clean` fixes $ ???????? (pull hair out, google) $ autoreconf -i (the magic word) $ ./configure (takes eighty minutes and generates GBs of intermediaries) $ make (runs in 2 seconds)

in conclusion: roflcopter

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astercontrol · 2 months

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So, in a chat about that last post regarding Dillinger taking the credit for Flynn's game development, I found myself saying: "He's got what it takes to write the 'doing our business is what computers are for!' kind of software. It's just hard to imagine him writing the fun kind."

...Which got me thinking about, more generally, the programs in Tron 1982, and how "fun" I'd say each one is.

in order of appearance:

---

SARK

User: Ed Dillinger, the guy who somehow convinced people he wrote some fun games.

Function: "command program"-- presumably some sysadmin software that's on shaky ground at the moment, largely being replaced by the MCP. Not a fun role.

Personality: Generally serious and angry-- but more capable of enjoying himself than you might think. Looks very grim during his introductory Lightcycle match, but afterwards genuinely excited about the potential challenge of future matches. Seems to be feeling pleasure and satisfaction of a sort, whenever he's at the podium with Master Control-- until, of course, MCP decided to "slow down his power cycles" as torture.

Fun: 4/10. Better than expected.

-----

CROM

User: Mr. Henderson (a full branch manager!) We don't know anything about him, except that his program thinks this software theft is gonna make him "very angry."

Function: Compound Interest Program. Works at a Savings and Loan. Practically the definition of a stuffy, un-fun job.

Personality: Alternates between nervous and blustering in introductory scene; definitely not having fun there, although there's a bit of lightness in the way he protests at first. By the time he faces Flynn in combat, he's clearly gotten some sort of confidence boost. He's genuinely smiling and laughing in that fight, up until it kills him.

Fun: 6/10. Also managed to surprise me there.

----

RAM

User: Popcorn Coworker (named Roy Kleinberg in later canon). Seems like a fun enough guy in later years, in the Next Day short, although also kinda scared at that moment. As of 1982, the only thing we knew about him was he asked Alan for some popcorn. I guess popcorn is pretty fun.

Function: Actuarial program at a big insurance company. Another stuffy math-nerd job-- although he describes it with an optimistic helping-people spin.

Personality: The most adorably friendly and personable program in there. So many smiles and laughs. Uses his death-weapon/personality backup as a drinking cup, and shares it with Flynn. Having fun even the one time we see him kill someone ("so long, sucker!") Smiling even when he's dying.

Fun: 9/10. Just the best little guy.

---

CLU

User: Kevin Flynn. We all know him. Fun to a fault.

Function: I guess spyware, injected into Encom system to find a file. Could be a fun job-- looking for stuff, exploring.

Personality: For the on-Grid avatar of the indisputably most "fun" human in this movie, this guy is serious as HECK. Monotone, ultra-formal "yes sir" responses to everything Flynn says. Notably the only program shown to shed actual tears, which is achieved through extreme torture. Closest he comes to smiling is in the very last moment when it is 100% clear he is doomed.

Fun: 1/10 WTF.

TRON

User: Alan Bradley, serious programmer. So serious about work that he "doesn't even balance his checkbook on downtime." Does a fair amount of smiling and making jokes when off the clock, although the jokes tend towards the cynical ("more bugs than a bait store"; "can it send me to Hawaii?")

Function: Security program to monitor connections between systems. Troublingly close to cop. Anyone with that job who didn't take it seriously and tried to have fun with it would become a downright menace, really fast. Tron, however, takes it super seriously.

Personality: Serious as death when at work or trying to get back to work. Love and friendship can bring out a softer side, though. Capable of fun but has to be REALLY talked into it. (Yori only manages to seduce him into a circuit-touching session by making it into roleplay about his job.)

Fun: 5/10 but he's got the potential to be so much more

YORI

User: Lora Baines, laser scientist. Dedicated, smart, intense, gets things done. Brains of the whole break-in operation. Definitely has a wild fun side. Parked her van without paying because she wanted to use her coins for arcade games.

Function: Driver for the laser scanning hardware. Could be fun. Probably the first program who got to see an orange. I bet she tried to taste it.

Personality: As good at planning and getting things done as her creator. Definitely the brains of Tron's mission, the one he goes to for help operating all the machinery and navigating all the systems involved in reaching his goal. But ALSO super fun at the same time! Treats the slope down to the I/O dais like an amusement park slide, and jokes that she wants to go again. They made their plans in her quarters, which she illegally decorated in wild rainbow colors just for the fun of it, and then she dressed up in a sexy sparkle cape to convince Tron that circuit makeouts can be part of the planning.

Fun: 10/10 the FUNNEST. I wanna be best friends with her.

#tron #tronblr #tron 1982 #ram tron #kevin flynn #yori #crom #sark

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dizzyhslightlyvoided · 2 months

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Also YoRHa has zero (0) ways of dealing with internal problems except physically attacking them.

You'd think that after A2, someone in charge would've said, "hey maybe we should install remote-termination codes, so that we can shut down YoRHa androids if they go rogue." Like these aren't recruits from some population of civilians, or some kind of off-the-shelf models and Command has to work within the specifications they came with -- they're androids custom-built for YoRHa, by YoRHa. The powers-that-be have complete control over every component of the androids' hardware and software, they can absolutely install some way of remotely shutting someone down if they become dangerous (or just inconvenient). You don't even need to hide it, you can freaking normalize it, like "oh sure, yeah, everyone has termination codes! Of course, we only use them for people who go on a Logic Virus rampage, or go rogue and turn really evil, haha!" Worried about the Machine Lifeforms hacking in and triggering it illegitimately? No worries, there's ways to mitigate that, and if they succeed anyway it'll be plausible deniability for when you need to remote-detonate someone for learning one of YoRHa's dark secrets! "Shit, the Machines must've gotten her! Command, change our remote-termination codes before they get us too!" (or whatever).

Even for A2 specifically, they still had options. Like when the Pearl Harbor mission ended, they could've just brought her home, hailed her as a hero, and then shut her down like "oh no, she must've been too damaged and corrupted, she isn't turning back on!" Like, turn her into a martyr of The First Mission Of YoRHa. But this apparently didn't occur to anyone. Are they so used to the Machines, that kind of interpersonal trickery doesn't occur to them? Is perfidy off the table solely because neither side is willing to engage in good-faith protected behaviors to begin with?

And the situation with 9S is worse, somehow. They have to order 2E to kill him every time he learns something he shouldn't. Okay, let's set aside the fact that you built a guy specifically to be curious and then have to kill him for said curiosity. Even if you don't want to install kill-codes, why not just delete his memories when he's in maintenance? Like he needs to return to the Bunker and get scheduled maintenance done, that's a thing which YoRHa androids regularly need to do. Just disguise a Type-E as a Type-H, and have her go "oh fuck, there's some kind of glitch/logic virus/whatever in his system! We have to roll back his memories to an earlier backup!", or that plus "and all of his backups are mysteriously glitched out, we'll need to revert him back to factory settings, it'll be a 'new' 9S!" depending on the situation.

I mean, obviously the Doylist reason is that half the game and the character dynamics would be impossible if YoRHa had any useful way of dealing with Bad Androids, but in-universe it looks like a mixture of incompetence and needless cruelty. Which ... tracks, I guess, given what's really going on, and given Commander White's supposed philosophy about creating crueler battlefields. But you'd think that "keeping YoRHa's secrets" would be the one area (besides "actually fighting Machine Lifeforms") where they'd decide to put competence over cruelty.

#nier automata #yorha #a2 #yorha a2 #yorha type a no.2 #yorha type a no. 2 #9s #yorha 9s #yorha no.9 type-s #yorha no.9 type s #yorha no. 9 type-s #yorha no. 9 type s #commander white #nier automata spoilers #fictional war crimes #perfidy

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hubristicassholefight · 11 months

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Swordswoman Showdown Round 3

Malenia (Elden Ring) vs Xena (Xena: Warrior Princess)

(Better here in a "preferred character" sense, not "who would win in a fight")

Propaganda below cut

Malenia

She is arguably the hardest boss in any Fromsoft game.; She is the favorited boss of Animal from the Muppets.

"Arguably" the hardest boss in any fromsoft game? You don't even know. She is OBJECTIVELY the hardest boss in any fromsoft game. On march 1st 2023, a bit more than a full year since the game's release, From Software released the stats on the amount of attempts each boss took for the players collectively. As of march 1st 2023 Malenia has killed the players 329.000.000 times. That's 10 Tarnished every second. That's almost the entire population of the United States. Malenia is also an optional boss in a secluded area hidden away from everyone. According to PlayStation trophy statistics, only 37.9% of people who ever bought the game managed to even REACH Malenia in the first place. Which means among those 329.000.000 people she has obliterated were only the most dedicated of Fromsoft fans. Only 33.3% of people even managed to beat her. That number also includes everyone who beat her with summons, which makes her significantly easier. This means out of all people who bought the game on PlayStation 4 or 5 and reached Malenia which is about 3 million people, 377.000 just fucking dropped her, they didn't even do it with summons. Difficulty aside. Malenia is also extremely pretty and has the softest lips, her Goddess form looks like a painting. She fights with elegance and style unrivalled by any boss in the game, dancing through the battlefield with deadly, fluid motions. Malenia is also 256cm or 8'4" tall. Huge woman.

post let me solo her

#malenia is 8'4“ flat chested and broad shouldered#she kills you with incredible grace and poise#trans icon#id let her Waterfowl Dance on me and Infect Me with her Scarlet Rot...

#malenia is so dedicated to the sword it mends her failing body. she lives by fighting#her strongest attack is a technique that halts the progress of her terminal illness#i can never stop thinking about that. by all means she couldve rotted into a mile of mush before the game started#but she persists!! she persists!!!

#malenia blade of 15 layers of contradictory goals and personality traits summed up in like twelve total lines of dialogue#she's a stupidly good character but shes also a woman who did horrible things in a game with a deliberately vague narrative#so everyone just enters What A Bitch / Step On Me mode with her#as they are wont to do. the lowlives.#anyway what would happen if you hated yourself and successfully became someone who can do plenty of good#and yet the only way to live on and keep doing good would be to embrace the self who causes so much pain#but there's nothing left. so you wait and you rot and you keep telling yourself that you're still the self you love#and then you have to do it again. and now your conflictual agony is over because clearly you lost yourself long ago#and you look up knowing that you're the danger you've always feared you were. and you smile#and turn john eldenring into filet in 2 seconds flat

Xena

Warrior Princess

She wields a sword and chakram. Just had to submit a biconic swordswoman.

i love her. she made me gay as a kid. Anyway, her weapon of choice is her sword, she is obviously very good with it

#unfortunately i have to choose and i have to choose xena#a) utena had no warcry. b) xena fought gods. c) xena has kickass goofy comic book combat which is my favorite

xena didn’t just fight gods. she fucked up a girl’s life so bad that she (calisto) devoted her entire being to destroying everything that xena loved that ended up with calisto becoming a god in order to destroy xena, which didnt work because xena entombed her in lava. and then when xena and gabrielle encountered calisto in the (christian) afterlife (different from the greek one which they also fought her in), calisto dragged gabrielle to hell so xena became an archangel in order to save gabrielle and then sacrificed herself in order to undo all the harm that she did in calisto’s life and then when not!jesus (played by timothy omundson) revives xena and gabrielle, calisto impregnates xena with the reincarnation of calisto’s soul in order to end the cycle of hate. xena doesnt just fight gods. she creates and destroys them

#this isnt even mentioning her fighting julius ceasar several times#telling brutus that caesar is not his friend#xena and gabrielle’s souls reincarnating across centuries in order to kick ass and fall in love all over again#or the time xena became a god but tbh that ep is kinda ‘uhhhhh…..’ even if they did hire a consultant for it

#I think everyone here knows to vote for Xena. I think a couple people here might have some propaganda for Xena saved already#everyone remember that Xena/Gabrielle is CANON and that's a pretty big deal also#(does anyone have that Xena Loves Trans People interview around because that would also make good propaganda)7:47 PM

#malenia #elden ring #xena #xena: warrior princess #poll #official #round 3 #swordswoman showdown

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intrawebs · 1 year

Text

A list of misc. Hermitcraft/Life Series fics from someone who loves AUs

There is no smut on this list

❤️ = Angst 💜 = Fluff 💛 = Fic I recently added

No Romance and Romance Optional

❤️Hermit Hybrids (In Progress Series) by Flickersprout - "Loosely connected fantasy AU with background dystopian elements. Mostly exploring the Hermits as a magic found family and all their different ways of being nonhuman." Can be read in any order! I'd suggest starting with The Colors of Friendship cause it's the earliest chronologically, ZombieCleo's great, and it's a good introduction to the world.

❤️the sanctity of the mundane (Completed Series) by crabbunch - “Snippets of life on the Double Life server; mundanity can reveal the most interesting things about people, after all.” This series makes me crazy. The only happy pairs are Boat Boys and Ranchers hell yeah

From the Archives (Completed Series) by Sixteenthdays and zeph - “A collection of statements from the archives of the Void Institute.” A Hermitcraft/Life Series Magnus Archives AU with Grian as the Head Archivist and Pearl, Mumbo, Scar, and Impulse as his assistants. Can be read with no knowledge of the Magnus Archives.

Interlude From Another Reality: Peacock's Eye by Sixteenthdays and zeph - “‘My assistant,’ announced Scar Goodtimes, newly-promoted Head Archivist of the Peacock's-Eye Institute, to nobody in particular except maybe the paused audio recording software on his laptop, or perhaps the small pile of tape recorders his predecessor'd left piled on a shelf in the corner, or arguably the little peacock-feather eye logo that dotted the office as haphazardly as it did the entire Institute, ‘is weird.’

(In which Scar is Grian's Archivist, and Grian is Scar's assistant.)” Sort of an AU of the Magnus Archives AU? Haha. But it’s completely divorced from the canon and can definitely be read stand alone.

❤️Shining and Polished (But Never to Plan) by SaltyServal - “A cough makes Grian freeze in his tracks, shakes him to his core. Despite all the signs, of all the things he was expecting to find in this cave, a truly sentient creature was not one of them. That’s what scares him the most.

He turns, grabbing his dagger and pointing it at the newcomer, who simply smiles at him, fangs and all.

‘Why hello there.’

tldr; Grian is an avian desperate to keep his wings, and he'll do whatever it takes to save himself. Even if it means stealing from a dragon.

(It turns out there's more to the dragon then he thought).” A fantasy AU with bird!Grian and dragon!Scar

oh captain (let's make a deal) by birrdie - “No one on these shores knew Scar’s name. Aside from Tango, of course. No one feared the humble, white-sailed ship docked on the south side of the port. This, like the tides, would eventually change with time. They would know his name soon enough. The greatest pirates all rose from humble beginnings like a phoenix from ashes. Scar was no different from them; that much he was sure of. And it would not take him long to prove it.

Or; Scar is a Captain of a humble pirate crew of one. That is, until a discovery on the shore shakes things up a bit.” A heaping helping of greedy pirate Scar and mysterious crewmate Grian, with evil Boat Boys and innocent Solidaritek as a garnish.

❤️starry eyes stare through me by whatcaniwriteinthis - "'You know,' he says. 'Gotta have a good show: high stakes, violence—' He nods at the room, at the 24 children learning how to use weapons, how to start a fire, how to find food that won’t kill them.

'An unlikely allyship,' Scar finishes, smiling a little. Grian smirks back.

–

Grian is this year's male tribute from District 9. Clearly, the odds are already not in his favor. But he has to get home to his sister and to do that he has to play the Games. Give them a show. Stay alive. Remember to step out of line is to threaten Pearl. Don't get too attached to the Career that agrees to be his ally, but not to put a damn shirt on." Angst without a happy ending. Made me cry

❤️Stained Glass Sunlight (In Progress Series) by Cosmic_Retribution - “The Watchers had seemed so nice, is the thing. So… disarmingly hospitable.

When they’d set out for the ruins, they’d gone in search of some magical beasts reportedly plaguing the area, according to the flyer they’d taken. What they’d found instead was an empty city and a group of mages and scholars studying… something. They’d been cagey about what. Certainly not the history of the place— the Watchers arrived long after the fall of Dogwarts, content to live and work inside the city’s corpse with no special reverence for the grave it lay ruined in. They had no stake in its fall, or its future, or the preservation of its once-hallowed legacy— but its bones, certainly, served as protection enough for their studies.

The beasts were the only thing troubling the Watchers’ work, or so they’d said. Strange, then, that Grian and his party never once saw a trace of them.

How long after, until his friends realized Grian was gone? That they weren’t safe?

—

Two decades ago, the city of Dogwarts met its demise. Today, a traveler meets god wearing the mask of a merchant, looking for a miracle.

These two things are not as unconnected as they appear.” Grian and Scar’s version of the lamplight AU(below). Featuring bored god Scar and oblivious paladin Grian.

Lamplight (In Progress Series) by skelew - “Welcome to Lamplight, a DnD/Fantasy Third/Last Life Renchanting AU. Ren is a god stuck in the form of living fire. Martyn is his sole follower. Martyn and Ren help free one another from imprisonment by the Watchers and are now traveling the world on a two-man adventure of fond companionship and occasional arson.” There’s angst but really just in the first fic. The main series has no shipping but skelew has written some treebark one shots that are also in the collection.

❤️dandelion wishing by skelew - “The white lily is known to symbolize purity, innocence. It is also a symbol of mourning, a popular choice to decorate the casket at a funeral. This is due to their beauty, yes, as well as the fact their smell can cover up the scent of a decaying body. Dandelions are best known for their magic, but no dandelion survives a wish.

The King of Dogwarts is not dead.” A Martyn and Ren centric fic about coming back from the dead.

❤️Wooden Mausoleum by skelew - “‘To take the life of one you love an agony Martyn understands far too well. It’s not something he’d wish on anyone—not on his worst enemy, and certainly not on his dearest friends.

Least of all would he wish it on Ren.’

Or, for the Red King, there are fates worse than death. How fortunate he is that his Hand will never let him meet them.” Dogwarts makes it to the end of 3rd Life but Martyn has a betrayal arc.

💜Performance Evaluations by glossyblue - “From The Desk Of His Majesty’s Most Private Of Areas: A True And Accurate Evaluation Of Growth Opportunities For The Knights Of The Square Table, The Loyal Court of Ren the King, As Suggested By The HR Department. (Note to self: when did we acquire an HR department? Ask Bdubs.)” Super cute and funny performance evaluations of the knights from the King Ren Hermitcraft arc.

The H.T.G.Y. Files by glossyblue - "Research scientist Cub didn't intend to make a person. He just came up with the plans. But when a competing team looking to make a supersoldier gets hold of the genome he invented, Cub is pulled in to stop them screwing up—and whatever he expected to find, it wasn't someone like Scar." This is part of a series called Lab Escape but the other fic has a ship that's not in this list so I can't put it in. But I really recommend the whole series!

💜The Government Institute for Ghost Supervision (G.I.G.S.) by glossyblue - “HIGHLY SENSITIVE: G.I.G.S CLASSIFIED. Audio logs for a team of supernatural agents investigating reports of a ghost at a local high school.GRIAN: Yeah, Skizz, why did you let Scar set something on fire? Pretty irresponsible.

SKIZZ: [noise of incoherent outrage] You try stopping him, buddy.” Goofy GIGS story

fixed and dilated by iamsolarflare - “Anything waterdwelling knows from bait.

---

Or: xBCrafted deals with the people around him, and a secret he's been keeping for one hell of a long time. Not the ‘old enemies hunting him down’ type, no - this should be fine, as long as nobody pries. It's the way you should deal with secrets like this, really, just don't let people know. No questions, no answers.

Hypno never got that memo, apparently.” An xB and Hypno fic where neither are human and neither wants to talk about it. Even if you don’t watch them I recommend it.

on the getaway mile by Odaigahara - “‘You want me to do what?’ the civilian asked disbelievingly, and Scar’s body language shifted to that of an impatient trainer, one whose fuse was running short. It was a precursor to bad things, like being tased or forced onto a treadmill for hours; Mumbo flinched even knowing it was an act, and the civilian cut off with a squeak, so Mumbo knew he felt the same way.

Or possibly that was the gun. Scar having a gun seemed more likely as an explanation, now that Mumbo thought of it.

Stealing the car would be better, but they had no idea where they were going, and neither of them was familiar with road laws. What if they hit a person while driving? What if there was some sort of kill switch in the car that the owner could flip to blow it up with them inside? Anti-villain tech had to be wild, from what the Foundation had on hand– and they were villains now for sure. Not just for defying the Foundation, but for this. Heroes didn’t take the actions he and Scar were taking.” Heroes Villains Scar and Mumbo take civilian Grian hostage for a road trip! It's not as bad as it sounds

counterclock by scarabies - “When it’s over, Impulse finds him in the throne room.

(or, Bdubs and Impulse chat after a rebellion ends. Can be read as either platonic or romantic.)”

Scarian

💛💜Tangotek Evil Incorporated by onawhimsicot - “As the supervillain Dr. Blaze, Tango has a fondness for oddly named "ificators" and stylistic flair. He spends his days trying to take over the city, shaming superheroes for their basic costume designs, and then sending said heroes home with better equipment that actually matches their aesthetic because clearly, if he wants a cool fight scene to happen, he's got to do everything around here himself.

For some reason, not many people think he’s evil. On the bright side, the superhero Canary, does and has made it his personal mission to bring down Dr. Blaze! But when he suddenly goes missing, Canary's partner, Parrot, is convinced that Tango is at fault. Seeing as this is not true at all (kidnapping is so gauche), Tango is offended that someone is trying to steal his nemesis right from under his nose. If Tango wants to get his nemesis back, he'll have to work together with Parrot to find and rescue Canary from whatever danger he's got himself into this time.

Because, after all, what's a supervillain without a nemesis?” A very fun modified Phineas and Ferb AU with Tango as Doofenshmirtz and Jimmy as Perry the Platypus

❤️coliseum by artanogon - "Grian is on a mission: kill the Red King of the Third Precinct. Unfortunately, when he travels to the capital where the king resides, he lands in a spot of trouble with a local merchant when he accidentally destroys the merchant’s shop. After he enters into a contract to help pay off the damages, he discovers that there might be another side to Scar under the silver-tongued salesman— and that he’s not the only one who wants the Red King dead." This one made me cry. Happy ending but it gets worse before it gets better.

Picture Perfect, Trapped in Eternity by CloudySkyFlight - “Grian's an architecture major in college, minoring in art history, and when the largest, and supposedly most haunted, collection of royal portraits in the world is displayed in a museum only a few hours away from his dorm, he gets up early to go see it.

Scar's been dead for centuries, living in a royal portrait he cursed to hold his memories and soul, waiting for the moment his best friend would come back to him. Several centuries later, he wakes up to see a brunette that has the looks and soul of his friend, and Scar knows that he cannot let Grian leave without him.” Starts out with Scar sort of kidnapping Grian? But the mood quickly lifts from there

and everything is you by eastwards - “‘Oh my gosh. I’ve got paint on your face.’

Grian moved to wipe the paint off, but Scar shook his head, ‘No the other side, here let me-’

He held Grian’s head steady with one hand, the other carefully brushing across his jaw. With an affirming noise, Scar nodded and bid Grian farewell, as he wandered back to his station in the studio. Grian held his hand up to where he had touched him, feeling his head begin to warm. How troublesome.

–

artist au w/ scarian wooo”

somewhere between the surface and the seabed by LovesickPrince - "It's a classic tale of love: Grian, a mer from the depths of the sea, makes a deal with a sea witch to exchange his voice for a pair of legs and go visit the human whose life he had saved. Only in this case, Grian is more interested in the sea witch than the human.

(If only someone had bothered to tell Scar, the sea witch in question, about this divergence)."

💜Dead Heat by glossyblue - “Jimmy's having a meltdown, Ren and Martyn are flirting outrageously, Tango gets cruelly betrayed and Grian and Scar are being unrepentantly weird about each other in every shot. It's the nation's favourite no-holds-barred elimination game. It is, of course, the Great British Bake Off.”

A Certain Je Ne Sais What by glossyblue - “Literally any one of Grian’s friends would be a better soulmate than Scar, and Grian is going to prove this scientifically.

Grian’s already felt it, a pinprick in his thumb. He’s familiar—he’s so painfully, unforgettably familiar—with the way Scar sees something and is already reaching out to touch it before he’s asked questions like 'what is this' and 'is it bad news' and 'is it going to hurt me, Scar, and by extension the unwilling bystander my physical sensations are now linked to'. Scar just immediately reaches out.” Grian tries to convince himself that anyone else would be a better soulmate than Scar while proving that Scar is the best soulmate for him.

❤️wait the worst is yet to come by glossyblue - “‘Grian is smirking at him. ‘I know, Grian, I know,’ Scar says. ‘Trade by name and trade by nature–okay, Scar by name but still trade by nature–we are going to be in business, opening soon, special rates for favorite customers of course–’

‘But have you done it yet,’ says Grian.

‘No?’ Scar says. ‘We only just started.’

Grian bounces on the balls of his feet, delighted. ‘Okay. Okay, okay, so. You need to know how it works, then, don’t you? Kiss me.’” Scar centric Last Life AU where you transfer lives by making out. There’s a sex scene but it’s not smut. Angst without a happy ending.

heart under your sleeve by Anonymous - “Scar was easy to love, as mortifying as that was to think. Grian didn’t think he was in love with the artist, it was far too soon for that, but he knew it would be easy for anyone to love him.

In the back of his mind, he wondered if Scar had met his soulmate, then shook his head to dispel the thought before it could fully form.

“Look, we can’t bring in a live panda, but if you want, we can try and connect with a zoo in the area so that they can set up a live stream of their panda exhibits,” Grian compromised and Scar brightened again. He ignored the sweeping feeling of relief in his chest as he opened his laptop, typing in a quick search for nearby panda exhibits. “Maybe we can even get one of their handlers in to give a talk about pandas.”

“Perfect!” Scar agreed, putting on a bright grin. Grian smiled to himself in turn.

—

Soulmate AU: You are born with a birthmark, similar to a tattoo, that is shared by your soulmate. Grian is a curator for an art museum. Scar is an eccentric artist who is just as attractive as he is infuriating to work with. Everything goes sideways when Grian realizes they're soulmates.”

💜If you like it… by GoodTimesWithScar - “‘Hello,’ slurs Scar, ‘you wouldn’t happen to know where a man such as myself… would find… an eligible bachelor to spend a little bit of time with?’

Grian blinks. ‘Oh, you are plastered.’

or, the ‘you got so drunk you asked your husband if he was single’ trope, but with added mumbo being 100% done with this nonsense.”

💜Well It’s Not Quite Narnia, But- by Raichett - “It’s just past seven in the morning when Grian opens his built-in wardrobe door to find a man dressed in something close to a green and gold matador outfit standing inside.

---

Or: Grian is not giving up this dirt-cheap rent flat for anything, not even the strange (if fun) goings on around the place and the elven king coming in through his closet.”

my ever after / is holding you by LovesickPrince - “Grian has been many things.

A servant of a respected noble family. A survivor, with bruises on his skin and hidden wings tied down to his back. A rebel, sneaking away for a night of wonder in the heart of the kingdom - and a curiosity, gawked at by all as the King himself swept him into his arms and spent hours by his side.

When Scar spent days tracking Grian down and helping him escape the cruel grasp of the Watchers, Grian thought his life couldn’t surprise him anymore. Pledging his life to serve Scar was all he could do to thank his King.

Of course, being the personal servant of the King comes with its' own risks - and now Grian could add ‘hostage’ to his list of titles.

Or; someone decides kidnapping King Scar’s beloved servant was a good idea. It really wasn’t.”

i live in a hologram with you by remrose - “‘Anyone in there would be lucky to be graced with your company.’ Scar told him. His face was calm but at his sides, his hands tightened and knuckles went white.

‘Stop trying to sweet talk me, I've already caught you fleeing.’ Grian stalked another pace forward, eyes alight with mischief and excitement. ‘Where are you going?’” Scar’s bad end in the treesekai AU (which you need to have read to understand).

Treebark

💜love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books (In Progress Series) by GoodTimesWithScar - “treebark theatre kids au, with ren as the male lead and martyn as the very distracted spotlight operator!”

Through the Sky-Blue Cracks (In Progress Series) by Amethystfairy1 - “This is a compilation of all the pieces that take place within my Over-City/Under-City AU, which is also a Hot Guy/Cute Guy Superhero AU, though that's not the only thing that'll be going on!” The first treebark fic is quite a ways down (It’s called Dagger and Rose), but I believe in yalls ability to figure out the setting through context clues.

❤️Sgt. Pepper’s Broken Hearts Club Band by harpydora - “The sign next to the door just reads, ‘Support Group,’ which frankly doesn't leave a great impression for the gathering inside. Martyn double-checks the Facebook event on his phone, but he's unfortunately certain he's in the right place: a support group for people whose soulmates are no longer with them.” The double life broken hearts club in a modern AU.

wild things can't get comfortable by donnerstag - "Ren and Martyn steal what small moments of comfort they can get.

Several loosely-connected scenes from Dogwarts as Ren struggles with his feelings towards the Hand of the King."

Scribbling the lines (from you to me) by Siri_Spy - “Martyn and Cleo are soulmates… but what exactly does that mean for them? And with Martyn starting to fall for the over-the-top president of his RPG club, and Cleo starting to realize that they might be a little late to the ‘disgustingly in love’ phase… something needs to change.

What will that something be? Well don’t look at me, I’m the one who wrote it. Look at yourself, and ask yourself: Why don’t I know?

Exactly. That’s what I’ve been wondering. Anyway, what are you still doing here? Go read!” A really sweet modern AU about Cleo and Martyn.

not the ghost by csillagvizsgalo - “Martyn tags along with his friends on a ghost hunting trip (he has seen people who had weirder hobbies anyways) for fun in an old run-down castle museum that has definitely not been kept properly. It's all fun and games, and he definitely doesn't believe in the supernatural, so it's not scary at all, until he starts noticing things lying around in areas that nobody has been to in ages, that remind him of memories of events that he never experienced, hundreds of years ago. The voices aren't helping. Well, the one Voice.

The Not Ghost of the Castle (he is a very dedicated cosplayer, thank you very much) takes a liking, and possibly some recognition, to Martyn, and while he spends the night terrorising Martyn's friends, the two of them build an unlikely bond and friendship.

The Red King just wants to rest, and so does Martyn. But not everything is as easy as it first seems.” Ren pulls out all the stops to try and intimidate Martyn but Martyn is a little rude to him and completely ruins it.

Wild Life: A Conservation Podcast by donnerstag - “Ren and Martyn, hosts of a popular little nature and conservation podcast, go camping together as part of a season finale special; discussions of the future, for both the show and themselves, ensue. Featuring: a campfire! innuendos! and even a little bit of kissy, perhaps?”

A Romance Route For The Doomed Villain?!? by skelew - “These days, Martyn doesn’t really have a lot going on. This is where the dating sim comes in.

Granted, if Martyn knew he was going to die so soon, he maybe would have tried a little harder at, like, holding down a job. Or maybe not. It's not like he has a lot of time to think about it.

Or, Treebark Isekai Romance Parody Which I Spent Far Too Much Time On.”

❤️I Think I’ve Seen This Film Before by GoodTimesWithScar - “In which Martyn fails to get the guy - but he doesn't let that stop him for long.” Set in the treesekai AU (the fic above), which you need to read to understand.

💜I should’ve known it would be you - water/woods by theorionsound - “Martyn sort of expected to fall in love with Ren eventually.

—

On their bi-annual hiking trip, Ren and Martyn get lost in thought. Mainly about eachother.”

❤️To Sit in Hell With You by dirtybinary - "Ren pulled Martyn close, breathing in the smell of soot and cinders still clinging to his clothes. 'You never kept secrets from me, back at Dogwarts.'

'Sure.' There was something knife-bright in Martyn’s eyes. 'And I’m a good little Southlander now.'

Martyn's playing every side in the death game. He's a loose cannon, he's a wild card, he's a selfish bastard who's going to betray everyone in the end, even Ren. Probably. Most likely. Any minute now."

Solidaritek

💜Red Bandit AU (In Progress Series) by scribblingdragon - “A Empires Season 2 AU with Jimmy as the Sheriff of Tumble Town, and Tango as a local bandit that is slowly, forcefully, being domesticated. Shenanigans ensue from there.”

❤️💜Hels To Pay AU (In Progress Series) by aquaquadrant and lunarcrown - “Angsty Tango-centric Hermitcraft/Double Life SMP AU”

❤️The Highwayman by EnvelopedByOblivion - “Fate walks many paths - but for each person, it only wears one face. Sheriff Jimmy Solidarity’s fate is a handsome red-eyed highwayman who saves Jimmy from a group of bandits. Despite being on opposite sides of the law, something keeps bringing them together, tangible as gravity and inevitable as death.

Which will get to them first? What will win out – a growing relationship between them, or their obligations to the life they’ve chosen for themselves?”

💜Let Me Show You Everything I Know by MassiveWaffle - "Jimmy Solidarity is an ordinary guy. He goes to his grad school classes during the day, works at the campus library in the evenings, and neglects his friendships a little too much. Then, engineering student Tango enters the library for some help, and Jimmy finds his friend group growing, and his life inexplicably changed."

A Nestcommunication by YacintheMorning - “Tango just wants to make the ranch a home for both him and his avian soulmate. Unfortunately, he knows almost nothing about avians. But the least he can do is try, right?” In which Tango is accidentally way too forward.

💜A Lesson in Listening by YacintheMorning - "Grian's brother is moving to town and staying with him while he house hunts. While introducing him to his friend, however, Jimmy and Tango seem to make quite a connection. Determined not to suffer through the pining, Grian and Impulse attempt to play matchmaker."

💜He loves that horse by ThatTallQueerBassist - “Tango uses his horse training knowledge to get Oreo back in shape after all the drama of being stolen back and forth.

Unfortunately, this panicked Jimmy at first.

He quickly calms down once he finds Tango training Oreo just outside the walls of their ranch.

They chat, and everything is well in the world again.”

❤️The Best Soulmate by BlocksRuinedMe - “‘But everyone else didn’t know that - it was possible even Bdubs didn’t know that - and yet he carried on like that, all the time. All about Joel’s soulmate. Bdubs didn’t respect Joel, and fuck that.

SmallEtho

Fuck that.

Joel had been fantasizing about killing Bdubs for weeks.’

—

The Boat Boys have made it to the end of Double Life, standing with Impulse and Bdubs, watching the divorce quartet crumble. Joel has a plan to make Etho win Double Life, whether Etho likes it or not.” Joel being an unreliable narrator because rage clouds his thinking is really something I wish there was more of. You definitely want to read the tags before diving into this one btw.

Holy Father, judge my sins by giddyfenix - "Joel and Etho as the seven deadly sins. After all, what were they if not corrupted?" The lust chapter has a sexual scene, obvs, so skip that if you so wish.

A list of facts and problems by giddyfenix - “Joel had never realized it was possible to feel someone in your bones until Etho came along.”

Amores anacrónicos by giddyfenix - “Don’t be further than 10 blocks from Etho for 10 minutes. One attempt only.”

You held his hands, it felt like flying by Prudent_seer - “Etho doesn't believe in soulmates. Doesn't believe in fate, destiny or an invisible little string tying two people together indefinitely. It was ridiculous, maddening even to think of two people who were made for one another; made perfect for each other by the "universe's almighty will". With that being said, he had someone in mind that was pretty damn close. So when Grian threw them in a world where these soulbounds did in fact exist in a tangible form, where health and pain was shared with someone else, he sought out the person whom he thought was his match. Only to literally fall into the life of his actual soulbound.

It was Joel. And with that Etho cursed the universe for its twisted sense of humour.

Creative rewrite of double life through the eyes of Etho, who learns to love his soulmate.” There’s sex but it’s not smut, you know what I mean?

when everything burns, they burn together by TheYesterdayShow - “No one for Joel because he's always been a loner. For as long as he can remember he's been on his own in these games—in the first one he had his cottage on the hill (so long ago that he can barely remember what it looked like, he can only remember it burning and the flames licking up at him and melting his skin and the smell of his hair and he has to put it out—), and in the games since, he's been alone. Alliances that last little more than a week, here and there, and somehow he always ends up at Grian's side at the end of things, but he's never actually teamed up with anyone else.

He doesn't want a soulmate.”

etho has said parkour tag! by panch_owo - “Neither Cyan or Aqua make it to finals, which means the rest of the event is unimportant!

And instead of dwelling on their non-team, they go on another round of tag because it's them.” No smut but a lot of innuendo and tension

More Powerful Than Fear Itself Is The Will To Win by smoothlikebutter - "After a devastating crash ends Etho’s racing career with the McLaren Formula One team, he’s forced to take significant time off to recover. While his fans are eager to see him again soon, what they don’t know is that Etho’s crash was worse than reported; he had to re-learn how to walk and talk before he could even think about racing again. But the desire to get back in a racing car is a strong motivation, so Etho pushes himself to his limits… However, his team couldn’t wait forever. His replacement is talented and the endless competition of motorsports is ruthless. Now Etho has to prove to his old team— and to the whole world— that they were too quick to forget about him. And what better place than the 24 Hours of Le Mans?

ConCorp is eager to snap up a big name like Etho. They’re entering under the Garage 56 innovative category this year, and their CEOs aren’t interested in much more than publicity so the pressure is low. But they’ve also signed Joel, a ruthless pro endurance racer who isn’t about to settle for anything less than the top step of the podium and a champagne shower at the end of the race. And honestly? That’s exactly the kind of teammate that Etho needs." Had me dancing around my room with excitement. Etho's character arc is amazing.

We're a Couple of Freaks by smoothlikebutter - "Joel is a weapon. Etho is also a weapon. They're professional monster hunters, and they've got a job to do tonight: clear out a ton of undead from an abandoned old mansion. Simple, right? This could only possibly go wonderfully well.” Epic Smalletho Souleater AU

❤️Blurring The Lines by FountainPenguin - “Dad always goes overboard with presents. They're never something traditional that a kid would ask for, either. It's always something he had left over in the back of his truck after a project or something stupid he bought after sipping a few too many potions and regretted sober.

One year for Scar's birthday, when he and his cousin Grian were playing in the sandbox out back, Dad and his friends arrived unannounced with four oak saplings. Dad didn't grab his arm or anything (Dad basically never touched him except on rare occasion to brush sand from his hair before loading him in the car; he always said it would make Mom mad), but he used words and praise and empty promises to drag Scar away from his and Grian's game to plant them right away.

Maybe Dad gave so many gifts because he was never around in summer. As early as April, he spent every weekend out fishing with his cousin on his houseboat...

AKA - That Scar-centric standalone piece about the Clocker family in contemporary suburbia.”

And goodness you’re bleeding (What a wonderful feeling) by knightinshiningarmor - “When the relationship burns, Etho feels an intense burst of emotions that leads to a revelation.”

#masterlist #fic rec #scarian #treebark #solidango #solidaritek #smalletho #hermitcraft fanfic #trafficshipping #traffic life fanfic #life series fic #can u tell i watched double life first? lol

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