#I wish I was born different

[atomicrebelomega]

I hate these feelings

[distantfailure]

Today sucked

[ghey-menace]

i’ve had an essay in my heart about kim and his relationship to his name for a week, and i’m going to get hit by a hurricane tomorrow, so i’m going to write it while i still have internet

i see this exchange used as an example of kim being trans coded a lot, and i agree, but i also think that’s a simplification of what’s going on here. i think reading this solely through the lens of gender leaves out a lot of kim’s experience as a queer/possibly trans man of color from an immigrant family and how all those labels can interact with one another

i don’t know if “kim” is seen as a feminine name in revachol like it is in say, america. i haven’t come across any dialogue indicating that’s the case, but then, not many characters address kim by his given name. i do think it’s definitely seen as a seolite name and that a lot of those “intentions and expectations” kim’s talking about probably have to do with the stereotypes that are constantly imposed on him by other characters.

if it is seen as a feminine name, then the way it would impose gendered expectations on him would be kind of similar to the way it imposes racial expectations on him. and those expectations would also interact with each other. asian men are often depicted as being emasculated and infantilized,and they are often presented as either sexually deviant or completely desexualized. these traits are directly tied to their race and culture and are contrasted with an idealized, white, western masculinity. they’re often used to mock, disrespect, and belittle, and there’s a lot of overlap between these and stereotypes about gay men and trans men.

as a queer/trans fantasy!asian man, kim’s working against all of these racial stereotypes, and his race/sexuality/gender id and presentation/disability(asians often get jabs about eyesight), all those stereotypes compound on each other. all contributing to kim being constantly disrespected. and i think a lot of his beliefs/behavior/worldview center around trying to command the respect he’s constantly denied.

as part of that, i think kim downplays his connection to his culture, just like he downplays anything about himself that he doesn’t think is respectable. i find it interesting that the first thing he says when harry mentions his race is that his parents didn’t teach him anything, only to reveal later that they died when he was two. and the way he says it, automatically and wearily, like he’s said it a billion times, i’m willing to bet cash money that’s a rehearsed response to people asking him, “if you’re seolite why don’t you know/do xyz?” when he never had a chance to learn that stuff. he was raised in revachol, by revacholians, but no matter how adamant he is about that, he will always be seen as a foreigner in the only culture he’s ever known. because of his face and his name. and the only one of those he can change is his name.

so he thinks about what it would be like to be named something else, but decides against changing his name. i think that’s because, while he might resent the expectations others attach to it (racial or gendered), at the same time i think he’s attached to because it symbolizes a connection to a culture and a family he has few connections to. one of the only things he received from his family, and one of the only things from his culture he can feel is really his.

[selinascatnip]

Awwwn Morpheus is still a prick even in this new pretty boy form

Someone put his sister on the phone so she can scream at him some more

[i-will-die-tomorrow]

everyone leaves in the end; so what's the point?

[kyouka-supremacy]

Atsushi would never confess because of his trauma-induced fear of rejection; Akutagawa would never confess because of his trauma-induced self-heatred

[w31rdg1rl]

It's so hard to have to translate everything in my head before I say or write it ☹️

[transthatfag]

yknow what. sometimes. i don’t wanna have gender feels. sometimes. the gender feels are atrocious.

[thevalleyisjolly]

The modern Noldolantë would be Bohemian Rhapsody.

[girlhelpicf]

sometimes i be wishing i was white but then i remember how atrocious the cooking is and rejoice

[motionpicturesforcarrie]

no one in my family told me the circumstances of my birth and i literally put it all together by myself over the past few years and it hit me like a truck wow

[camelotsheart]

I still consider this thread to be one of the best things to come out of the Merlin Official Twitter account

[gay-otlc]

It's a "dysphoria panic attack in the shower" kind of night, apparently

[laplacemail]

“DOLLY” & “FANTASMA”

by azu_u_u__ @ skeb

[ivan-fyodorovich-k]

I don’t think I am going to live very long

[i-will-die-tomorrow]

what's the point of heaven when I'm already living in hell