#I wish I didn’t spend 10 years loving someone who never loved me back the same way

[honeyyglaze]

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[extremelyblackandwhite]

pairing: dad!bucky barnes x au pair!reader

warnings: age gap (reader is 10 years younger than bucky), smut (18+, dni if under 18)

author’s note: sorry for the delay folks xx

masterlist

now i wish we’d never met ‘cause you’re too hard to forget while i’m cleaning up your mess i know he’s taking off your dress and i know that you don’t but if i ask you if you love me i hope you lie to me

Bucky Barnes was a great many things, a paradox in a single man, many opposite things to different people. For some he was an angel, charity driven and ready to sacrifice himself for everything and everyone. For others, he was a demon, someone who was power driven, filled with the need for success and stepping on anyone he needed to be the first and the best. No matter what both thought, all agreed on one thing - Bucky Barnes was one hell of a charmer. He’d gotten that from his mother - old high class British charm, his father used to say. That combined with his looks made him irresistible to most people. Everyone flocked to him, everyone except for Y/N. She’d vanished from his side a bit later into the night and he hadn’t seen her since. Each time he thought to look for her, someone would need him or catch his attention.

Even with all that, he couldn’t find her. Y/N was an eye catching woman, she was beautiful and if she were anywhere near he would’ve found her. Instead, she was nowhere to be found and he was starting to get annoyed. He wanted to spend the evening with her, or at least he had intended to spend the evening with her, introducing her to the right people who could help her. He continued listening to whoever was talking to him right now - truth was, he wasn’t even sure who that person was. He just usually smiled and kept up simple talks, that was what was required of him so he would gladly keep doing it as long as it yielded results.

As for Y/N, she had almost forgotten who she was here with. Christopher Davis was someone who she always could picture herself with. He was smart, well spoken, well mannered and seemed to have an interest on her. Besides, he had gone through the same thing as her back at Columbia.

      - I’m just saying Professor Williams is a pain. - Chris laughed as Y/N explained what her supervisor had said. - If Professor Anderson likes you then you must be a bright student.  

      - Or maybe I’m just really daft. 

      - I don’t think so. - he smiled. - Sergeant Barnes doesn’t employ someone who doesn’t have promise. 

      - Except I don’t work for him ... I mean, not like you work for him, I’m just an au pair. I reckon the only criteria was are you a threat and are you good with children. 

      - How is it working with Sergeant Barnes if you don’t mind me asking?

Chris looked at her and then back at James whom he didn’t notice had been staring them down until now. He sighed, putting on his best smile, after all, he was trying to impress this girl. 

     - He’s uptight and a bit controlling but I guess you have to be if you want things to run smoothly. Specially when you work in advertising. 

     - That’s most CEOs isn’t it?

     - Yes but James Barnes is .. different. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a disgruntled employee. 

     - That is fine. Sergeant Barnes has got me on my nerves every once and again?

     - Is that so? - Y/N felt the blood drain from her face as she turned around to face her boss. She wasn’t afraid of him per say, but she also knew, she just knew he would probably be pissy for the rest of the evening. - Good evening Y/N, Mr. Davis. 

     - I will see you tomorrow, Y/N. - Chris smiled at the au pair.

To say Y/N was over the moon was a massive understatement. He liked her, at least she thought he liked her enough to invite her out. She didn’t think she still had it within her, she was usually busy looking over Sadie or with her postgraduate studies - that didn’t give her enough time to think about her sex and love life. That being said, maybe that explained why she was having the weird dreams and fantasies about James; familiarity. Right? It had to be that.

Bucky on the other hand felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. Chris was ... well, he didn’t know that much about Chris other than he came from money yet he couldn’t even blame him from that since he had come from money as well. He was just boring, Bucky found him boring. He didn’t take risks, at least not enough risks for someone who worked at advertising. He played it safe. It worked, but it wasn’t revolutionary. Still, Bucky didn’t like him. He definitely didn’t like him for Y/N either. Y/N was smart, innovative, caring and another bunch of positive adjectives which were too long to list. Chris was just boring.

     - So how’s that lady? - Y/N broke the silence between the two of them, a bit tipsy on the champagne which she wasn’t used to drinking.

     - What lady?

     - Delilah? - she looked up through her dizzy, tipsy mind, before snapping her fingers. - Delia. Yeah, that’s her name. How is Delia?

     - You would know if you weren’t busy flirting with my employees. 

     - Oh so you can flirt but I can’t?

     - Not when you’re with me. You’re embarrassing yourself and humiliating me.

     - But I’m not here with you, am I, sergeant? I am not your date, am I?

     - No. - he smiled forcefully. - However if I were going to flirt with someone I would pick someone less boring. 

     - You work in advertising, Sergeant. Everyone is boring. 

(...)

Bucky had never spent a whole night alone with Sadie, not when she was awake. Yet, here he was, left behind by his au pair so she could go and date boring Chris while he had to deal with a very hyper Sadie who was running around as if it wasn’t 8 o’clock yet. He usually had a babysitter or he had Y/N, or Steve yet right now he was by his lonesome. He thought she would’ve settled down if he played princesses, yet, she did not. Instead Bucky now had knotted hair, glitter on his face and probably some on his eye and permanent marker on his neck. He had finally given up and done the worse thing in the eyes of every parenting book - he’d given her a tablet loaded with all the Bluey seasons. Meanwhile he’d taken to watching re-runs of Mad Men. 

     - Bed? - he asked the curly haired ginger who looked up at him, her hair in front of her face. - I’ll give you 10 dollars?

     - No. - she replied before looking back at her tablet. Bucky sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Soon the terrible twos would be done and he’d have the terrifying threes. 

    - 20 dollars? - he said once again but she ignored him. He sighed, how come Y/N managed to do this? - Sadie, you can either go to bed or you can be tired tomorrow and not go to the park with Y/N. Choose. 

She looked at him with the death stare which she had inherited from him, but eventually got up, grabbing his hand. Bucky smiled, picking her up and walking to her bedroom. He pushed the sheets from her bed, carefully rolling her to her mattress before tucking her in, handing her a Bingo plushie. 

    - You want a story, babe? - he asked her, brushing her curls away from her forehead. - No?

    - Light?

    - I’ll turn your little moonlight on. - he kissed her forehead. - I love you, Sisi bug. 

She smiled at him and it was enough for him to know she meant she loved him too. He tucked her once more before turning off the main light, leaving the room softly lit by the nightlight. Slowly and softly he went up the stairs, grabbing a wick basket and started collecting toys onto it. She had too many toys, still he wouldn’t stop buying them. As he finished it, Bucky sat back down on the couch. He was annoyed. Why did she even go out with that prick? The only thing they had in common was an alma matter and god knows Chris was a legacy student so it wasn’t like he tried as hard to get into university like Y/N had. God, he hated him. Hated how bland and boring he was. 

He toyed around with the remote, trying to find something that would get his head out of the idea of goddamn Christopher Davis trying to get her out of the practically translucent dress she had been wearing. Bucky could swear she did it on purpose, just to show off to him in those strap heels and short sheer black dress like a temptress. He changed channels once more, hoping he’d find something ... maybe a pay per view porn channel or something. Yet nothing took his mind of his au pair, his employee who he should have some professionalism with, and that stupid lacy bra he could make out under that dress. Dressing up like that for goddamn Davis. 

He stared at his phone, watching as hours passed yet nothing fulfilled. Eventually, Bucky made a mistake, a huge, massive mistake. A mistake which fulfilled itself as he opened the door to show Delia. He handled things badly but right now he needed his fill. 

His lips attacked hers as they stumbled towards the bedroom, Bucky locking the door behind him. This was a bad habit, a terrible habit but her lips felt good, her taste was tempting and Bucky wasn’t the one to have good habits. However, today, things were ... different. Her lips leaving lipstick marks on his neck didn’t feel the same. Maybe this was a mistake. He shouldn’t really have a woman in the house when his daughter was asleep upstairs. 

   - Are you alright? - Delia pulled away from him.

Bucky blinked, he had to be going ... stir crazy. Maybe he’d drank a bit too much whiskey but her features morphed and he could swear that in place of the woman he usually called whenever he needed release, stood the woman he wanted to be here now. The sheer dress a vivid memory in the back of his mind. He ignored her question, moving to kiss her neck and putting his hand over her mouth. His fantasies took full front stage as his mind drew a different reality.

All he could see was her, red lips open wide with soft, high pitched moaned as he kissed down her body, doing away with her dress and her underwear. He wanted to mark her, he wanted to mark this vision of a woman he craved. His hands found the top of his joggers, pushing it down as if he were a horny mess. His cock was painfully hard, slapping against his stomach as he stood over her, this vision of Y/N. All he could think of were all the times she saw her, the outline of her breasts, her collarbones. He didn't pace himself, instead lining up with the woman's entrance before he gripped her hips and slide himself in, without much a second of though. The feeling made him grown, he was insane he reckoned, insane because he knew this wasn't her but all he could see is her. The soft moans, the contracted muscles. He fucked her hard and rough until he felt his release approach. Once he did, he slide himself off, jerking off and coming on her stomach, rolling to the side of the bed. He stared at the ceiling fan of the guest bedroom, his mind lulling him back to reality ... all he could think when that moment was once simple thing - Fuck Chris Davis. 

(...)

Y/N didn’t spend the night. He noticed that in the morning as he was getting prepared from work and saw her walk in, with her dress crimped and hair barely brushed. His blood bubbled. If she wanted to fuck old money, she could’ve fucked him. 

    - Had your release? - he knew he was being mean now, just looking to stir the pot. - Fun night?

    - Why? Need some new jerking off material? - she crossed her arms, speaking in a manner and language that almost made him spit his coffee. - Who’s taking Sadie to school?

    - Well, if you can still walk I’d say he did a pretty shit job, huh?

    - I guess I’m taking Sadie to school. - she rolled her eyes. - And it’s none of your business.

    - Well my employee is fucking another one of my employees. Maybe you should go to HR. 

    - Maybe I should and tell them that the boss is acting like an ass. Are you seriously still upset at me that I flirted with someone at your weird benefit? I’m single, I’m allowed to flirt!

    - Not with Chris Davis. Seriously, Y/N, get a better taste in men. 

    - Because you have such a great taste in women. - she poured herself a cup of coffee. - Since you’re dressed, maybe you should take Sadie to school and see your favourite ego boosting group the PTA mums. 

    - Maybe I will.

    - Picking Sadie up from school or do you want me to?

    - Steve’s picking her up.

    - Steve?

Steve. 

////////////////////////////////////

taglist : @talesofadragon @themermaidscales82​ @winters1917​ @vladsgirlxx​

[runnning-outof-time]

John & "Listen to yourself.”

Angst to fluff!

Thanks for sending this in, anon! I’m sorry it took me a bit to get to write it! I hope it’s along the lines of what you were thinking of! Also just try to imagine it’s (Y/N) instead of Esme in the gif - I felt that it fit the scene and couldnt help but use it! Enjoy! :)

I’D LOVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! - YOUR COMMENTS & REBLOGS HELP ME WRITE!

Part of my 3.5k Celebration - find more stories here!

But I Got Your Mind Off of It

John Shelby x Reader

Warnings: language, mention of a weapon

Word Count: 1111

Summary: John manages to talk (Y/N) off the ledge before she blows up the longest relationship she has over something so silly…which happens to be something she’s also done before.

The sound of the bang that the door closing made was even loud enough to make John Shelby jump. He scrambled from the table he was sitting at to get over to the concealed hole in the wall where a revolver was nestled. He was just about to access it when he noticed who had slammed the door.

“The fuck was that for, (Y/N)?” he asked his wife, his brows furrowing together in confusion.

(Y/N) didn’t hear him though. She was too busy pacing the floor while muttering unintelligible things. Something about someone being stupid and never wanting to see them again. John wracked his brain for a moment, trying to figure out if it was something that he’d done.

He decided to finally approach her when he came up empty. “What’s goin’ on with you, love?” he asked her, hoping that his voice was level enough so that she wouldn’t get set off…even more than she all already had been.

“I just can’t believe she did that to me,” she finally spoke clear enough for John to hear what she was saying.

“Who did what?” John still didn’t quite understand what was going on.

“Mary,” (Y/N) snapped, as if she was annoyed that John hadn’t come into the conversation with all of the details.

But that didn’t stop John from asking more questions. “What did Mary do?” was his next one.

“She stood me up. We had an entire evening planned and then she cancelled last minute!” she didn’t hesitate in sharing her frustrations, aggravation starkly present in her words.

John furrowed his eyebrows as he took a moment to figure out which way he should approach the situation. (Y/N) was not one to be messed with when she was hot about something, and he hadn’t seen her this worked up in a long time. But before he was able to do anything however, (Y/N) was turning to leave the shop.

“That’s it!” she proclaimed as she made for the door, “I’m going to give her a piece of my mind!” She then started angrily walking towards the door. Just as her left hand reached for the knob, her right was pulled backwards. She gasped as she was spun and within seconds, her back was pressed against the brick wall. Her eyes widened as she looked at her husband, who now had her pinned so that she couldn’t leave.

“You’re not going anywhere…not like this, at least,” he told her, speaking in a calm voice because he knew that if he raised it, all hell would break loose.

“Let me go, John,” she huffed, trying, and failing, to break from his grasp.

“Why did she cancel?” he asked, not giving into her wishes.

Lucky for him, (Y/N) was all for giving the details now. “She ditched me to spend time with her new man. We had this night planned for weeks just to have her call me earlier today saying that he’s asked her out for dinner. She’s ditching me for dinner!” She was fuming by the end of her explanation, all of her anger washing back in again. Who ditches their best friend of over 10 years to have dinner with a guy?? The thought of it was absurd!

John searched her eyes for a moment, waiting to see if she had anything else to add. When she stayed silent, he couldn’t help but break into stiffled laughter. This made (Y/N)’s brows furrow. “What the fuck are you laughing about, John?!” she asked incredulously, not sure if she was now more upset with her friend or her husband.

“Listen to yourself, (Y/N),” he began, surpressing his laughter so that a more serious air would fall over the conversation once more.

“What?” she snapped back at him.

“What Mary’s doing…” he started, shaking his head slightly as he snorted to himself, “you did the exact same thing to her when you started seeing me.”

“I did not!” she immediately proclaimed, shocked that he wasn’t taking her side on this matter.

“You absolutely did,” he stood firm with his point.

“Yeah? When?”

“One of the first dates I took you on. I brought you out for dinner, and you told me that you felt so bad for having to cancel your plans with your best friend.”

“Yeah, but…but I felt bad about it,” (Y/N) was quick to point out.

“You don’t think Mary feels bad about it?” John asked with raised eyebrows.

“At least I didn’t cancel the day of!” she pointed out another - what she at least thought was a - flaw in John’s argument.

“Well maybe unlike your amazingly considerate then-boyfriend, now-husband, her boyfriend doesn’t have the same regards to the possibility that Mary had other plans.”

“You’re so full of yourself, John,” (Y/N) snorted as a smile broke passed the deep frown she was wearing.

“Just stating the facts, love,” he winked at her, making her roll her eyes in response. “But I got your mind off of it, didn’t I?” he questioned then.

(Y/N) pursed her lips as she realized what he’d done. Then she silently cursed him and his ability to make her mood change on a dime. She waited a few moments before she, begrudgingly, replied: “you did.”

“Good. Mission accomplished,” he grinned, finally letting go of her hands so that he could settle both of his under her jaw. “Now what I’m hearing from you is…” he paused, licking his lips as his grin grew bigger, “that you’ve got the night free.”

(Y/N) rolled her eyes again, trying so hard to keep up the act that she was angry. But it was so damn hard with him looking at her the way he was. “My night is free now,” she finally answered him.

“Which means you’re able to spend it with me?” he checked.

“You don’t have any duties to carry out at the Garrison?” she responded with a question of her own.

“None that are as important as me wife,” he grinned.

“You can be so cheesy sometimes.”

“But I got your mind off of what you were mad about, didn’t I?”

“Just take me out on the town…before I go and change my mind,” she dismissed his question, though the look on her face told him immediately that he was absolutely right.

“You don’t need to ask me twice,” he grinned before he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. “Let’s go,” he said after pulling away, reaching down to take her hand in his and lead her out of the betting shop.

**tagging in a reblog so the notification gets sent out!

MASTERLIST

[katsukismrs]

i wish i were heather.

platonic!katsuki bakugou x reader

a/n: if you can’t tell i’m not in the best mental state rn💀 inspired by Heather by Conan Gray. this isn’t my best piece but meh

warnings: y/n ran away from home due to abusive family, was left out a lot by friends, bakugou’s sort of the exception???

—

“You’re rich, Y/N! Literally if i were you, i’d be spending money everywhere!” Denki exclaimed in disappointment “And you don’t do anything with your money!”

“That’s called not being wise with money, Kaminari!” Ida disagreed wholeheartedly with Denki’s statement. “Y/N’s being completely reasonable with her money.”

Truth is, it isn’t that you can’t find a reason to spend your money, you donate to charity each month and take yourself and friends on shopping sprees. It’s just that the money feels.. empty. It has always been.

It was widely known that you spent the last years of your childhood and your first years of being a teenager in an orphanage, since you strongly disapproved of going back to that hell of a place your family calls home. You were 10 when you ran away from there, the day that marked your freedom.

But you can’t help but feel.. lonely.

Walking around in parks, malls, or any open space makes you see the life you can only dream of having. Children being pampered and loved by their parents can only make you feel like your skin doesn’t fit right over your bones, makes your legs eager to run somewhere far away to scream.

And unfortunately that has gotten to your UA classmates, too. Seeing Midoriya with his mother, seeing Bakugou with his parents, seeing everyone living the life you could never have. But they want to be you. It’s stupid to think about how they’ll trade a life full of security, love, support and happiness for having money and fame. but the grass on the other side is always greener, isn’t it?

There’s a side of you, that envies your classmates so much it could kill them, kill them for the life they potentially stole from you, but you know that isn’t the case and never will be.

And it isn’t with those in UA, either. But all your friends have something in common: they leave you, just like your parents did, just like everyone will.

Your friends left you for others, your best friends were never ‘forever’ as they say, and you hated that, and you hated yourself for it.

—

You sit in Katsuki’s dorm.

In silence.

With your thoughts. Disgusting, disgusting thoughts.

“I wish i were you, or anybody else.” You abruptly spoke.

“Hm?” He looked at you, perplexed. “What’d ya say?”

“i don’t want to be myself anymore.” you spoke.

“Who do you wanna be then? me?” He joked.

“I want to be anybody else but me.”

He turned to face you. “Because?”

“Everyone thinks i have it perfect because i have money.”

Katsuki stared at you, waiting for you to get to your point.

“But rectangular pieces of paper can’t love like a human can.” you spoke with a monotonous tone.

He waited for you to get to your point, staying silent.

I wish i were Jiro, who has supportive parents.

I wish i were Ochako, whom regardless of financial situation, her parents still love her anyways.

I wish i were Ida, whose brother adores him.

I wish i were Mina, who can make friends anywhere and everywhere.

I wish i were Kirishima, able to make friends stay.

I wish i were Shoto, whose father is trying to make up for the damage he caused him.

But all you can muster out is “I don’t want to be myself, i don’t want to be here as me, i want to be someone else, anybody.”

Katsuki looked at you. “You think you can have it your way every time in life, huh?” He laughed.

You looked up at him, tears threatening to fall as your throat begins tying itself into a knot.

Katsuki sighed “Listen, I’m not the type to come to for this verbal shit, but you’re pretty fuckin’ awesome as is.”

You didn’t believe him, you couldn’t believe him.

but maybe you could someday, but for now?

you wish you were Heather, or someone else who isn’t you.

—

[jks1uv]

𝑙𝑜𝑚𝑙 ; tommy riordan | one-shot |

summary: you’re visited by the love and loss of your life after he walked away a decade ago.

pairing: tommy riordan x vsangel!reader.

trope: estranged childhood best friends to lovers.

genre: angst + fluff + hurt & comfort + romance.

warnings‼️: a 3 year age gap (reader is 22 & tommy is 25) + crude language + a kiss scene + a suggestive line towards reader as a model (some guy says she’s fine) + a minor detail describing a small part of the daily routine of a marine which may be inaccurate.

word count: 3,680.

random disclaimerrr: me when tom hardy: 😍😍 happy reading! ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ ♡ © 2024 @jks1uv

────♡♡♡────

you & tommy were the best of friends. inseparable at the tender ages of 5 & 8.

you two were neighbors and your family consists of 4; mom, dad, you, and your little sister.

tommy and brendan had a bigger age gap than you and your sister but whenever you girls would be out in the yard, tommy would feel the itch to go out and play in his little hands.

he knew y’all were younger than him but that didn’t discourage his curiosity.

“um, is… is it okay if i can play with you?” he asked hesitantly.

you and your little sister look towards the voice and find a boy older than the two of you standing by his front porch, looking bashful.

you nodded enthusiastically, so excited to make a new friend. “yes!” you exclaimed as you grab his hand and drag him along your front yard.

ever since then, the two of you were joined at the hip.

────♡♡♡────

tommy would come over to your house often due to the close nature of your friendship.

you may have been 12 at the time but you were wise, and that made it easier for him to confide in you.

“he’s drunk. again.” he shook his head and chuckled bitterly.

your eyes were soft and sorry. you wish he wouldn’t think pitying him was a bad thing.

you lace your hands with his and insist on watching a movie while snacking on his favorite things.

“you can spend the night. if you want?”

it was second nature to go above and beyond for him, but it was second nature for him to deny your kindness. you never understood why.

“nah, i gotta get back to my mom.” and you smiled at that.

one thing about tommy? he’s a great son to his mother.

they say it gets worse before it gets better and that was certainly the case for tommy. he and his mother had been pushed to their limits. they both packed their bags and never looked back at pittsburgh ever again.

you were devastated, heartbroken. you couldn’t believe your best friend just up and left without even saying goodbye.

you figured it was because of his father, paddy, but you never knew he’d be behind pushing your best friend away from you.

you harbored a secret anger towards him whenever tommy would spill his guts out but in this moment? you resented him.

paddy was the sole reason your other half, your soulmate was gone.

you never even got to tell tommy how you really felt about him.

tommy told you his secrets and you shared yours. you were never this close to a person, ever. your little sister is an exception but of course she’s gonna know you better than you know yourself. she’s your blood, but tommy isn’t. he’s someone who’s seen what the inside of your heart looks like and he hadn’t judged you one bit for it.

tommy is your first love, but he was also the loss of your life.

────♡♡♡────

10 years later, present-day:

“standby y/n.”

you're nervous as fuck and rightfully so. in addition to this being the first time you open a victoria’s secret fashion show, you're wearing your first fantasy bra to do it.

that’s a lot more firsts a girl can hope for!

you’re just a couple of minutes away from so many things happening tonight. tripping and twisting your ankle, falling on your face and the internet never letting you live it down, or worse: never getting another chance to model for victoria's secret ever again.

well, there goes your career! over before it even started all because of some heels or the floor or the lights or some other, valid yet non-excusable reason.

you take a deep breath in and exhale through your lips forming an ‘o’ shape. you close your eyes and join your hands together to pray silently with the few seconds you have left.

please, please, please don’t let me fuck this up. please.

you hear ariana grande belt out the few lines before the chrous of ‘dangerous woman’ out front. you make a mental note to ask for a photo and autograph when you see her later.

“go, y/n!” showtime.

it’s muscle memory for your hands to place themselves on your hips as you make your way down the large, well-lit, glittery floor.

perfect timing to make your appearance as the chorus of the song plays on.

cheers and screams erupt from the seats as you stand tall and concentrate on moving your ankles in front of the other.

you’re at the middle of the runway when you tug on a strap and large, black, feathery wings make their appearance. more encore from the venue & you can’t help but feel like that bitch.

when you make it to the end of the runway, you turn your chin down a bit and let your eyes do the talking. they’re outlined with black eyeliner and highlighted with silver and black eyeshadow, blended so nicely together.

the theme for your fantasy bra is “black swan” and it’s perfect for you as that’s the energy you’re known to give off. dark feminine, mysterious and unpredictable.

you pause for a few seconds to pose and let your side profile hang in the camera angle for a bit before you turn to the side. you make a full 360. you eye the camera on the side, offering one last glimpse before you’re on your way backstage.

you let the crowd fuel you as you depart and hope you looked your very best.

you know only angels get to wear wings and you know it’s a privilege to get to do both; be an angel and wear wings.

you were signed as a victoria’s secret model at 18 and worked very hard for 3 years to earn your title as an ‘angel’. at 21, you were gifted an opportunity so many girls only dream of.

the rest of the girls backstage practically flood the room with excited shrieks, warm hugs and elated faces.

you were the youngest of the batch and had so much yet to learn but they all treated you as their baby.

“you killed it out there!”

“so beyond proud of you, babe.”

“there she is! the highlight of tonight.”

“our black swan did so beautiful!” and there were so many more words of encouragement that made you spill so many tears but you did it! the hard part was over.

now you can change into other lingerie and wings and just be content with the fact that you did it. you. did. it.

────♡♡♡────

after the show was successfully complete (and ariana grande came asking for a photo), a celebration in the form of drinks were obviously in order.

you’re out with ur sister and you deem it’s baddie baddie shot o’clock.

“girl, save some for your birthday.” your sister laughed.

you just sent her a toothy grin and shrugged. “we’ll just drink some more when it gets here.”

your 23rd birthday is still some time away but you weren’t thinking about that tonight.

“HOLY SHIT, IS THAT TOMMY?!”

yup. that’s what you were thinking about. the boy who left pittsburgh and took a piece of your heart with him.

your neck snaps up at the name and you see him for the first time in forever.

he’s here. in the flesh, and not on television breaking some guy's jaw. he's about 10 ppl away from you.

your heart stops.

your breathing stops.

time stops and all of a sudden, you’re a little kid again forming a memorable friendship with the neighbors youngest son.

he’s wearing a white tank top under a baggy, black zip-up jacket with a pair of black sweatpants.

his baby blues are darting from one person to the next, an unnoticeable smile on his face as people come up to him and say nice things with proud smiles on their faces.

you think he looks good. a bit uncomfortable and edgy, but he looks like he’s been taking good care of himself.

you begrudgingly look away from him and blink rapidly to keep your tears from falling.

your sister puts a comforting hand on your shoulder, begging you to go up to him and rekindle what may be lost but you silently plead with her to just let you have this.

you don’t have it in you to go up to him and make small talk, act like the last 10 years didn’t happen.

at least not tonight.

she indulges you and the two of you quietly leave the bar. unaware of the stunned pair of eyes that want so desperately for you to turn around to see what’s slipping away.

────♡♡♡────

you wake up with a headache but it's not from a hangover. it's from crying yourself to sleep.

you couldn't believe yourself. how did you miss the one chance you've been so desperately praying for? how did you walk out and away from him?

like he did you.

you sigh and drink some water from your nightstand before getting ready.

you shower and eat and think about going to just drive around town as you haven't been back in 3 years.

should you also go see him? maybe he's still here?

or maybe he left. again.

you shake your head away from those thoughts, no matter how possible they may be. you're gonna go out there and find him and... well, you'll figure out the rest of the plan when you see him.

the sound of the doorbell ringing catches your attention. your sister left for work and said she won't be back until 6.

you grab your keys and purse and make your way to the door, hoping it's a girl scout with cookies or something.

but of course, surprise, surprise. the universe says “nuh uh!” and behold! it's the very thing you ran away from. this time, just a couple of steps away from touching you.

“tommy?” you breathe out in disbelief.

he blinks slowly and your stomach feels funny. like all the adrenaline in you is swarming in your intestines, daring you to move your body. without thinking, you accept the challenge.

you jump out at him and crush him in the biggest hug you've ever given and the vigor of it knocks his balance off a bit. you hear him grunt in surprise and your arms are wrapped around his neck in a vice grip. like if you loosen them even a little, he'll disappear again.

hot tears brim along your eyes. you close them tightly and let them slide down your cheeks anyway, feeling them trail a path down your face.

his hands slowly rise towards your figure and he's unsure where to put them. he's never hugged or been hugged like this. even when he made up with brendan, it was different. but why is this different? it it because it's you and not his no-longer-estranged older brother?

he hugs you back. one hand is across your hip and the other is your shoulder blade in his palm. he slides his face into the crevice of your neck and noses your collarbone in a silent apology. you sniffle as you accept it.

“i'm sorry.” he croaks out.

you shake your head, to tell him he doesn't have to be but he insists.

“i shoulda came to see you but-” he cuts himself off.

he sighs and moves his face back, prompting you to do the same.

you look at him with watery eyes and his eyes dart around your face. like he's memorizing it. his eyebrows come together and form lines on his forehead. you know he does that when he's thinking really hard about something.

“the truth is,”

you let go of his neck and his cradles your face in his hands.

“i knew i wouldn't be able to leave if i saw you.” and when he drops that bomb on you, you can't help but stitch your wobbly lips together in a smile.

it doesn't reach your eyes though, and that's how he knows you missed him just as much as he missed you.

“but i woulda understood why.”

and he knows that, of course he knows. he also knows that the second he would've seen those tears in your eyes, he would've broken his resolve. and how could he not? you break his heart when you cry.

he wipes your tears with his thumbs.

“i know.” he murmurs.

he pulls you into him once more with a hand on your neck and you cry softly, unbeknownst to you that he's forcing himself to brave through his teary eyes.

────♡♡♡────

“oh my god, you're so old.” you giggle.

“and you're so young.” he bites with no heat.

you invited tommy in and changed, finding your mission successful. the current conversation is about how different life has been for the both of you.

“so i guess we're both kinda like celebrities, huh. you tap your nails against the sofa arm.

“more you than me.” his lips split open in a toothy grin.

you smile back and think how great this all is. there's no sign of forced conversation, he's as relaxed as he can be and you are happy.

tommy stares at you and finds himself seeing all the things he's missed. he finds all the years he's missed in your face, all the places you've been in your eyes and all the joy you've experienced in your lips.

the truth is, he saw you on tv every time you were in a show. even back when you just modeled for any show before you were officially signed on as an angel.

his unit members would tease him but he didn't care. you were on national television and to him? you were amazing.

if anyone said anything about any woman in a suggestive tone, he'd say something anyway but he never played about you.

“damn, she's fine.”

if looks can kill, you wouldn't wanna be that guy. because tommy could kill with his bare hands just as well.

alas, that was the only warning that poor chap got before it was lights out. all because he couldn't keep his thoughts in his head. he just had to air it out to everyone.

tommy slept good that night, too.

“whatcha thinkin’ ‘bout?” you pull him away from his memories.

he deeply exhales and looks away from you, fiddling with his chain around his neck.

“i watched all your shows.” he murmurs.

you still heard it though and you show it by the way your face is beaming.

“really?”

you’re elated because you were on his mind just as much as he was on yours.

he nods, still refusing eye contact. but it’s okay.

you scoot a bit closer to him and your knees are folded under you, touching his thigh. he stops fiddling with his chain and eyes your hands on your knees. slowly but surely, his eyes lock onto yours and he sees how happy you are.

“i didn’t know they allowed people to watch tv over there.” you can’t help your grin.

your head tilts to the side a little as he explains how everyone shares one tv and there’s a daily time limit to how much tv they can watch.

“wait, so, you even watched the shows i did before i was exclusive to victoria’s secret?”

“every single one.”

that made your heart swoon. your crush on him never left but this amplified it.

you had guys try to hit on you and say a line or two to get your number (or something else) but they weren’t tommy.

he haunted your life.

“why didn’t you ever call?”

you didn’t want to ruin the mood but this has been sitting on your mind the second you let him in. you don’t know if he feels it, too.

“why’d you leave the bar?”

you quirk up an eyebrow at his quick yet witty retort.

touché.

this has been weighing on him for quite some time, too.

“i didn’t know how to face you… i guess i was overwhelmed.” you answer, ashamed.

he nods like he was satisfied in your answer.

“same.”

you look at him, unsatisfied with his lack of explanation.

“i never called because i thought you might’ve hated me.” he admits.

you’re offended and you don’t hide it.

did he really think his friendship meant that little to you? so little, that you wouldn’t understand?

he sees the look on your face and shakes head, as if he was answering your questions.

“no, wait, it’s not like that-”

“i could never hate you.”

there’s a softness in your voice as you say the words he’s been longing for. it soothes the wave of self-loathing washing over the shore of his heart.

all he’s wanted to hear, to know; is that you don’t hate him.

your knees slide out from under you and you cross your legs together, facing him.

“i honestly thought you forgot about me-”

“never.” he says so instantly, like that idea is so absurd and bizarre.

to him? it is.

“i could never, ever forget about you.”

now it was his turn to be offended.

how could you assume he’d ever forget about you? the same you that never let him down? the same you that always had a place for him in your mind and heart? that you?

you sigh softly and look down at your hands. you’re unsure where to go now.

“okay.” you nod.

“okay.” he asserted.

you huff out a laugh from your scrunched up nose and your smile threatens your unbothered demeanor.

tommy smiles back, a tight-lipped one but a smile nonetheless.

he gazes into your eyes and they drift to your lips on their own accord. like a magnet, they’re drawn to your mouth and your eyes are drawn to his.

he hesitantly leans in a bit, giving you time and space to back off if you’d like but you’re frozen.

you gulp and meet his eyes and he whispers, “i’ve liked you for the longest time.”.

that makes your heart leap out of your chest. all these years you’ve been crushing on this big, tough guy, not knowing he’s liked you back?

“since when?” you’re so starstruck.

he smiles bashfully, a faint red blush painting his cheeks. as uncharacteristic as this looks, you weren’t about to let this phenomenon go to waste by looking away.

“since that day i asked if i could play.”

your eyes widen and your jaw goes slack.

this endearing motherfucker.

“i… i’ve been crushin’ on you, too.” you admit.

you can’t look at him. you don’t know why you feel this way. maybe it’s because you’ve never been this vulnerable with a man before.

“don’t go all shy on me now.” he teases.

he moves his head to catch your gaze.

you smack your teeth and halfheartedly hit his shoulder with your knuckles.

he brings his head towards you once more and aligns his forehead with yours. you close your eyes at the contact and he asks, “can i kiss you?”.

you nod faintly, your hands coming up to rest on his shoulders.

his palms rest on the curve of your waist and he kisses you like he’s making up for all lost time.

he’s gentle, letting you set the pace, letting you take control.

but there’s something else you need to know.

your head tilts back a bit and he chases you, dazed and not a single thought behind his eyes other than kissing you forever if you’d let him.

“easy, tiger.” an airy chuckle leaves your lips and you set a hand on his chest.

he lazily smiles and places his hand over yours. he kisses your forehead and cheeks. tommy sounds out an exaggerated ‘mwah!’ as he gives your lips one last kiss.

it makes you smile, tommy being so affectionate. a stark contrast to his demeanor in the public but you think he’s one of those “tough guy with a soft heart” kind of guy.

“i want you to stay.”

he pauses his actions and slowly backs up to meet your eyes.

“you stayin’ here?” he asks curiously.

“for the time being.” you interlock your fingers with his.

he nods and says, “what you really mean to say is; you want me to come with you.”

you purse your lips sheepishly. tommy thinks about it for a moment.

“new york city?”

“mhm.”

you’re nervous. was that an impulsive move? or is that question a result of your fear; him leaving just as fast as he showed up?

he deeply inhales and blows a raspberry, simulating a worried persona.

“okay.” he decides a beat later.

you blink and shake your head, getting whiplash from his behavior.

“wait, what?!”

“i was gonna come visit you anyway but this sounds better.” he nods like he’s made up his mind.

tommy says things like this like it’s the most obvious thing in the world and to him, they are.

but for you, this is a commitment. a promise. something you can’t turn back from and you convey that to him.

“tommy,” you begin. “this is a very big and important adjustment. we’re moving in, together.”

“what else would i be doin’? where else would i be?”

“for starters, your family is here. i know you’ve made up with brenadan so i figured…” you trail off and hope tommy can fill in the rest.

a lopsided smirk is drawn to his handsome, smug face and he holds your hands.

“that’s sweet and you’re right. but he chose when and where to make his family and i’m tellin’ you; there’s no place i’d rather be.”

he says is so intrinsically that your heart wills no choice but to believe him. there’s a silent promise in his words, one that he hopes you hear him make.

i’m not leaving you again.

“…okay.” you muse.

“okay.” he settles with a quick kiss to your lips.

[jisforjudi2]

THE FAITHFUL SECRETARY

Chicago Tribune

UPDATED: August 10, 2021 at 12:23 a.m.

Before the women’s movement, back when Father knew best and network TV made room for Daddy, when Mary Tyler Moore was Laura Petrie, not Mary Richards, actress Barbara Hale was playing a single working woman on TV.

Hale, now 71, remembers what appealed to her about the role of Della Street, secretary to lawyer Perry Mason on the series that was based on the mysteries by Erle Stanley Gardner.

“When we started (in 1956), it was the beginning of women not working at home. I liked that she was not married. My husband didn’t have to see me every week married to another man, and our children didn’t have to see me mothering other children.

“When (my son) Billy was in the 1st grade, we went to school for the first parent meeting, and on his desk were little projects he’d made-pictures of Daddy and Mommy and his sister and his animals. And underneath my picture-I wish I had it now, but the teacher kept it-he’d written in inch-high block letters, `This is my mom. I love her. She is a secretary.”‘

On Friday, the latest Perry Mason two-hour movie, “The Case of the Telltale Talk Show Host,” will air on NBC, one of seven productions that will carry the courtroom stalwart and his unflappable Girl Friday into 1994.

“I guess I was just meant to be a secretary who doesn’t take shorthand,” she quips. “My assistant wants you to know I’m a lousy typist too-33 words a minute!”

The Emmy award-winning actress is a Hollywood survivor-going into her second half-century in a profession she never dreamed of pursuing. A veteran of the old studio system and of television’s infancy, her co-stars in those early years were household names-Sinatra and Cagney and Stewart and Mitchum-when she was the ingenue.

RKO Studios was her “paid education,” as she puts it, her training ground. She met her husband, actor Bill Williams (who died several months ago), over coffee at the studio commissary.

Today, she still offers ample evidence of the effervescent beauty she was in the ’40s and ’50s-and even earlier, in Rockford High School, when her buddies entered her in a May Queen contest and she won. “I still know them, dear, and we 15 get together every three years. It takes three years to get over the three days we spend together!”

Her career seems to have evolved from being on the right Chicago street corner at the right time.

The daughter of a Rockford horticulturist and a homemaker, Hale (born in DeKalb) was studying at the Chicago Academy of Fine Arts, living at the Harriet M. McCormick branch of the YWCA and planning a career as a commercial illustrator and portraitist.

One day, as school let out for the summer, she was standing at the corner near the Drake Hotel with a girlfriend who’d come to town for a couple of weeks to look for modeling work. While they were waiting for the bus taking them to the North Side, a car drove up and someone tossed a card at them. It referred them to a modeling agency.

“A couple of weeks later, I went to see my buddies, and I told one of them the story about the card,” she recalls.

“She said, `Barb, you’re kidding! I was sitting in the little coffee shop at work this morning, and a lady came in and sat next to me, because it was the only seat left. She was pouting. I asked if she had a problem, and she said, “Yes, darn it. I have a model agency and I saw this kid on a corner, in a red coat, and can’t track her down. She’s exactly what one of our ad agencies is looking for.” Barb, what coat did you have on that day?

“I said, `My red coat-it’s the only coat I have.’ And she said, `Barb, I think that card was meant for you.”‘

It was. Hale went in to the Seaman Agency, and stopped Connie Seaman in her tracks. “She said, `Oh, my God-honey, don’t move! Al, get over here quick!’ Al came in and said, `It is her! Let’s see-we’ll shape her eyebrows, put on a little more lipstick, pull her hair back … ‘ and I said, `Just a minute, sir-what are we talking about?”‘

Hale was “a green 19” when she began fashion modeling, and after about a year and a half, RKO offered her a six-month tryout. The day after she arrived in Los Angeles, she visited the studio and its casting director, Dick Stockton.

“As I was shaking hands with him, the phone rang. He took the call, and as he listened, he started looking at me. `Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a minute.’ He turned to me and asked, `Honey, can you say a line?’ I said, `I don’t know.’ He said into the phone, `There’s a kid in the office right now. I think she’ll work. I’ll send her right over.’ He told his assistant, `Take her to wardrobe, take her to makeup, take her to Stage 6. One of the kids is sick. We’ve got to have a girl there immediately.’

“It hit every paper the next day. Cinderella story. First day on the lot, she gets-of course they said a starring part. I had one line, but you know about those things.”

Apart from that walk-on, in “Gildersleeve’s Bad Day,” she made her debut in 1944 in “Higher and Higher,” opposite Frank Sinatra.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, Ginger Rogers and Jane Russell were all at RKO then. So was Burr-who would be her TV series co-star about a dozen years later.

Hale studied dancing and singing at the studio. She began to appear on screen regularly-four movies in 1944, two in 1945-and eventually won leads in such movies as “The Boy With Green Hair,” “The Window,” “Jolson Sings Again” and “The Jackpot,” performing even while pregnant.

“I told Billy (her son, actor William Katt, who starred in the television series “The Greatest American Hero”) he should put on his resume that he was in `The Jackpot’ and `Lorna Doone,’ and he said, `Mother, I wasn’t,’ and I told him, `Oh, yes, you were!”‘

She continued her movie career and was a mainstay of television dramas until 1956, when a producer offered her the Della Street part in the pilot of what turned out to be a 9 1/2-year run. Hale went on to win an Emmy for best dramatic actress for the role in 1959.

“We did 36 shows that first year,” she says. “And we’re still doing it!”

She says that Della “was-and still is, to a great degree-a woman who knew what everybody was thinking. She was informed, and very observant of everything that went on. That was my challenge as an actress-to be a necessary part of the office without being too aggressive. Della was quietly overpowering: She knew when to speak and when to keep her mouth closed.”

Hale sees Della as having remained constant, to an extent. Her task is basically the same. But there have been some subtle emotional changes.

“I think she’s a little more at home, relaxed, showing her knowledge not only of the case, but also of her boss. In the early days, it was all business. Today there’s more of a camaraderie between them, a little more humor and more sensitivity to each other, which comes with years of being side by side.

“She’s trying to see that he stays healthy,” she says. “She’s taking him off coffee.

After nearly 300 episodes, “Perry Mason” folded in 1966.

In the mid-1970s, the show returned briefly with other actors and faded quickly. During the ’70s and early ’80s, Hale worked sporadically. She was in the original “Airport” in 1970, and appeared opposite her son in a 1978 surfing movie, “Big Wednesday.”

In 1985, producer Dean Hargrove asked her what she thought of the idea of a “Perry Mason” reunion show. She told him, “it would be divine, but we are 25 or 30 years older than we were then.” He said the intention was to use them as they were and to bring in a few new young actors to replace cast members William Talman, Ray Collins and William Hopper, who had died.

“Dean said, `There’s a young blond kid in town. I want to talk to him, not his agent. He’s done a series-“The Greatest American Hero.” But I can’t reach him.’

“I said, `Oh, well, that young man is in Kansas City doing “The Music Man” right now, and I can get you in touch with him if you want.’ And Dean asked, `You know him?’ I said, `Dean, I changed that boy’s diapers!’ Billy played in the first nine (Perry Mason) movies, then went on to another series of his own.”

“Perry Mason Returns” in 1985 was a Nielsen triumph, and with Perry stepping down from a judgeship to defend Della against murder charges in the first episode. From then on, the Mason bunch have visited America’s living rooms every few months.

After nearly four decades, Hale says the role of Della still offers unexpected moments.

“This week, at the end of the show, very quietly and very surprisingly, Perry plants one on Della,” Hale says. “It’s a first!”

Originally Published: May 16, 1993 at 1:00 a.m.

www.chicagotribune.com/1993/05/16/the-faithful-secretary/

[blouisparadise]

Today we have the third part of our angst rec list for you to check out! You can find part one here and part two here. The fics on this list are all amazing, so please be sure to read them, give them kudos, and leave a comment for the author. If you enjoy our rec lists, please like this post and reblog it to help spread the word. Happy reading!

1) Please, Don’t Say You Want Me | Explicit | 9,320 words

Prompt 496: ABO/royalty AU. Where Omega Prince Louis is forced to marry alpha King Harry by his father for the benefit of their kingdom. After the wedding, Harry lets Louis know that he didn’t want a mate and to not expect a relationship from him. Since they are already mated, Harry has to officially reject Louis’s omega to break ties. This practice is so taboo that he doesn’t know the omega has a maximum of a year left to live after rejection. As time goes on, the omega gets weaker and weaker.

2) All This Delusion In Our Heads | Explicit | 15,088 words

After Harry and Louis break up, they cope with it in very different ways. What will happen when Harry keeps calling his ex over when things go wrong in his life, but Louis just can't take it anymore?

3) Dandelion Heart | Explicit | 17,563 words

After his sister’s death, Louis is granted full custody of his 4-year-old nephew, TJ. It isn’t easy, but with the help of TJ’s other uncle, Harry, they learn to make it work.

4) Death Wish | Explicit | 22,067 words

Louis hates vampires, he lives his life trying to kill as many as he can, night after night, year after year. He hates them. Then why the fuck is he kissing one? Again. “I mean it, Harry.” Louis says, into his mouth this time. “You need to get the fuck away from me.”

5) The Games We Play | Explicit | 23,448 words

Louis is a political lobbyist who chose his career over his personal life a long time ago and has never regretted it. Then he met Harry.

6) Bloom | Explicit | 24,887 words

When they first meet at Harry’s flower truck, Harry falls hard but Louis’ unavailable. Only before long, Harry reignites a spark that Louis thought long forgotten.

7) Somebody's Got Your Trainers On (It's You) | Explicit | 28,000 words

Louis hasn't thought about Harry since half an hour after the shift started, when Krystle told him that she was binging Gogglebox last night and therefore didn't get enough sleep - a sure reminder of Harry’s temporary Gogglebox obsession. Five hours isn't much without thinking about someone, but that's as long as it gets. Louis came to terms with that two years ago. When Harry walked out the door with his stupid New Balance trainers and never looked back.

8) The Road Not Taken | Explicit | 30,393 words

The one where Harry returns back home for the holidays after a successful debut album, leaving Louis to unwrap gifts as well as old complicated feelings. Cue: hometown holiday hookups, overbearing siblings, and a disastrous New Year’s Eve party. A 'Tis’ the Damn Season' inspired AU.

9) Compass To The Soul | Teen & Up | 31,439 words

Harry Styles, alpha, is 1/4 of the perfect pack, and 1/5 of world famous boy band One Direction. He spends his time touring the world with his best friends and family. Louis Tomlinson, omega, is 1/5 of world famous boy band One Direction. He spends his time hoping his bandmates don’t notice him.

10) Like The Stars Above | Explicit | 33,759 words

Louis has a witchy little secret that is slowly ruining his relationship. When that secret comes out, it turns out that he has a lot more to worry about than just losing the love of his life. He might lose everything.

11) Close To Nowhere | Explicit | 34,589 words

Louis and Harry are psychics who kind of hate each other. They go to Tennessee to investigate a haunting.

12) Just A Pretty Boy | Explicit | 35,614 words

The alpha in front of him wasn’t only tall, but used every inch of his body to look even more threatening. He looked as shocked as Joseph felt, in his eyes he could clearly see horror and anger mixed into an odd and painful mix. It was as if he just watched a ghost or a monster from a nightmare come to life.  “Louis…” he said with a low voice. It wasn’t a question, he was calling Joseph by that name.  The crease between Joseph’s brows deepened. “Who?” Louis and Harry were married until, one day, Louis passed away in a tragic accident. Years later, he is found alive and with a thousand questions plaguing his mind. The most important ones; was his husband involved in his disappearance? And, how long did it take Harry and his best friend to fall in love after his supposed dead?

13) Best Colours For Your Portrait | Explicit | 37,717 words

Louis bites his lip in, his eyes leaving Harry's face, they are cast low as he takes a deep breath before sighing, "In solitude, I felt the liberty you spoke of." "But," The omega glances up, his eyebrows twitching as he brings his face closer to Harry's neck to overpower the alpha's scent with his scent, "I mostly felt your absence."

14) Give Me Love | Explicit | 41,041 words

Despite being an omega, Louis’ always had a blatant dislike of alphas.

15) Letters To June | Explicit | 41,150 words

It's 1915, Europe is in the middle of the Great War. Omega Louis decides to join the Letter Home Project to become someone’s penfriend. Through this he meets a lovely soldier who hasn't got anyone else to send a letter to. Along with his letter, comes a picture of the most handsome alpha Louis has ever seen.

16) Strangers In Love | Explicit | 42,207 words

Louis wakes up to find himself in a marriage with the last man he thought he'd ever end up with.

17) This Glass House | Mature | 43,072 words

While deployed, Alpha Harry gets injured by an IED explosion, leaving him to deal with severe injuries in its devastating aftermath. During his road to acceptance and recovery he learns with the help of Louis and their children just how important family can be for the mind, body, and soul.

18) Oubaitori | Explicit | 48,822 words

Note: This fic is locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

After a year away, Harry comes back to his hometown ready to shoulder the responsibilities that come with being a Styles. However, an unforeseen return will greatly setback his plans as he finds himself confronting ghosts of the past, his prejudice, and a torrent of feelings he thought were long-buried. In the midst of a battle between protection and progress, trust that was once broken will try and pierce through walls of convictions he built around himself, leaving him grasping for power he is unsure he even wants. Meanwhile, Louis merely tries to save his family and make the next day better than the last. As he faces his past wrongdoings and the scars they left, chances will be granted to him - either to repair what was once broken or finally find closure. Torn between the desire to defend himself and the fear of the truth being rejected, he will learn peace comes from honesty - and that sometimes, what appears to be the easiest solution simply was the most coveted one.

19) Untamed Hearts Align | Explicit | 55,795 words

For as long as Louis has known her, Lady Margaret Tomlinson has had two aspirations for the remaining years of her life. The first was to out-dress the Duchess of Kent at every soirée and gathering. The second was to marry off her omega nephew to the most honorable – and highly ranked – alpha suitor she could find. He does not expect for her to arrange a marriage between him and the crown prince, and he certainly does not expect to fall for him. Everything changes when Harry disappears.

20) If You’re Out There (I’ll Find You Somehow) | Explicit | 55,916 words

Harry looks so intensely into Louis’ eyes it’s as though he’s reaching in and touching his very soul. “I never thought… I never… I’ve been searching for so long, Louis, but I never gave up. I couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop trying,” Harry says, bottom lip trembling as he strokes the backs of Louis’ knuckles. “I just knew that if you were out there, I’d find you somehow.”

21) Of Lost Things | Explicit | 57,980 words

Louis comes with a familiarity Harry has never felt with anyone else before. After their fateful meeting, their chemistry became undeniable, and soon after, Harry had felt like he hit the jackpot when it came to finding the person he would spend the rest of his life with. But all relationships come with their own unique problems, and Harry soon realizes that their relationship is no different. When their problems go from unordinary to nearly bizarre in nature, he takes it upon himself to find an answer to their troubles. What he stumbles upon are terrifying coincidences between his and Louis’ story, and the ill-fated mythological couple, Orpheus and Eury. But it’s all they are; just coincidences, ones that feel as frighteningly familiar as Louis. Except… what if none of this is a coincidence? What if everything Harry has always seen as fiction is true, and myth—or rather, history, is about to repeat itself?

22) But We Have Promises To Keep | Mature | 62,608 words

Note: This fic is the fourth part in a series. We'd recommend reading the other fics first, though none of them have smut.

Maybe, Louis thought, from the beginning to the end, he had always known exactly what he wanted. He had always heard it, a quiet song in his head never giving up, because it had never been a thing apart from who he was. Someone who wouldn’t stop. Someone who could walk out into the dark, seeing nothing, having little, and still looking. The undeniable, terrifying, gorgeous truth was always going to be this: that he had a heart, and that that heart wanted to live.

23) Sink Into Your Sunlight | Explicit | 79,601 words

Louis hadn’t forgotten about Harry as much as he tried. It wasn’t due to the strange nature of their meeting, more so the magnetic pull he somehow had on Louis. He couldn’t fathom why this complete stranger stayed in his mind as much as he tried to stop it. Any time his phone sounded his heart skipped a beat at the thought of it possibly being Harry. In all honesty, it made him feel sort of pathetic. Gay guy falls for straight guy, what a cliche he had become.

24) The Rose Of Whitechapel | Mature | 100,180 words

Jack the Ripper AU. Detective Constable Harry Styles and his partner, DC Liam Payne, lead the case on the Whitechapel murders. Louis Tomlinson, the Rose of Whitechapel, is harbouring secrets of his own, along with a dark and sordid past. When their paths cross, truths are revealed, and perhaps hearts are mended... A darkness is brewing, and it's finally come to collect on the promise it was made.

25) Our Endless Numbered Days | Explicit | 120,815 words

“Harry?” whispered Louis, his mouth dry, his nose pressing against the other’s warm skin. “Mh?” Harry’s humming was gentle, his fingers lightly caressing the younger boy’s arm, his chest steadily rising and falling beneath Louis’ cheek. A couple of seconds passed, and Louis looked up at him in the darkness of the cave, barely able to make out the expression on his face. When he tried to inhale deeply, his breath hitched. He struggled to find the words to tell Harry what he was thinking about. Another couple of seconds passed, and Louis listened to the reassuring beating of the prince’s heart beneath his cheek. He couldn’t. “Nothing,” he whispered, his voice weak. I think you’re half of my soul.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[mywrittingwonderland]

Toronto or London

Hello Everyone, Am I back? I am not sure, but I just really got stuck in my head these past few days, and well, I figured writing would help me. I didn't really proofread this, so I apologize in advance. I also don't necessarily love this that much, but at least it got me out of my limbo phase. Warnings: None really Word Count: 2,510 Summary: She has always been in love with Toronto; she just didn't know why yet.

Enjoy!!

- - - - - - - - -

20/05/2018

“Toronto or London?” — Jimmy asked as the last question of the fast questions round.

“Toronto” — Emily replied, without a second thought to the question. Which got the audience and all her fellow colleagues to look at her by surprise. 

“Wait a minute, weren’t you born in London? What makes you choose Toronto?”

“Honestly? I just have always had a good feeling about Toronto, even though I never really got spend that much time there, I hope that at some point once I have a break I manage to go touring on that city.” — She replied, with an honest response. The truth is that she always had a good feeling when she was around Toronto, she just didn’t know why. - - -

12/06/2018

“Shawn, someone told me you wanted to tryout for a few acting gigs, and that Harry has been pushing you to do it?” — Shawn laughed at the question while nodding his head confirming the information. — “So my question to you is, if you had to work with any actor/actress who would it be?” 

“Oh wow, that’s a difficult one Jimmy, but I think I would have to say Emily Wilson, I just really love everything she does, like it would be such an honour. I am a huge fan! Honestly even meeting her would be a huge honour” 

“Well I was told she loves Toronto! So maybe it won’t be that hard to find her roaming around the city, you could just ask her on a date you know?” — Jimmy joked.

“I don’t think I would ever even dare to do that!” — Shawn answered, his face definitely a bit flustered.

“Well, but moving on to business Shawn, talk to us about your new album!”

30/09/2019

“So, Emily lets talk about your new film, you are now shooting in Toronto, right?” 

“Yes, and it has been an amazing experience to be able to be in Toronto for 3 months now, I really love this city so much!” — She replied with a smile on her face.

“That’s so great! I hope you managed to finally go to all the places you wanted to visit around the city, did you manage to have the time to do that?” 

“Oh, I really wish! We barely stopped during the filming process because I need to run to London right after this, we are starting to shoot The Selection series with Netflix, as you all know, so I manage to visit a few places but definitely have to come back.”

“So, if you had to choose between life in Toronto or London, which one would you choose?” 

“Toronto!” — She answer without second thoughts. — “Don’t get me wrong I love London, but there is just something about here that I can’t take my head off it.” 

 - - -

10/01/2020

“Girl I just loved your work so much! I mean you know I love your acting gigs but your song, I just don’t know how you didn’t win song of the year! It was my song of the year for sure!” — Billie said as soon as she spotted Emily at the Grammy’s after party.

“Come on! You are queen here today, don’t even start! You killed it!” 

“Thank you! It means a lot coming from you! I heard you are back to filming in New York this month? Maybe we can meet up for a coffee when you are around?”

“Actually, I just finished filming yesterday, I am heading to Toronto tomorrow, and then back to London for more filming.” — Emily said a bit sad she would miss the coffee with Billie.

“No wayyyy! Wait up, I will probably head to Canada for a few days too, Justin recommend me a very nice retreat in which paps won’t find me, and I am in need of some offline days, especially after this crazy night, I feel like I can definitely go for that!” 

“That’s amazing, if you want you can come with me in the plane and we have that coffee and you can tell me more about how was this masterpiece production”

“I am in girl! Let’s go!” — Billie answered before being dragged by her brother to answer to a phone call they had just got.

- - -

11/01/2020

“Wait up! You have never talked with Shawn or Justin before? Even though you have been obsessed with Canada your entire life? How is that even possible? 

“You know I was nominated for a song for the movie I did right? I don’t actually sing B.” — Emily said laughing at her friend.

“Oh shush girl, you just won a grammy yesterday for best song for visual media, maybe you don’t want to admit but you are good in what you are doing” 

“Billie, I literally have one song out!”

“True! But still…” 

“Enough on me and my obsession with Canada, tell me more about what you have been up to! It has been so long since we had time to actually talk!” — Emily answered, eager to know more about her friend.

- - -

12/01/2020

“Shawn there is an invitation for you to go to this interview tomorrow with Emily Wilson, I know it is last minute but if you want to do it, we can do it.” — Andrew said over the phone.

“Wait, what? Really? Of course I want to do it, should probably talk to Camilla first about it, but yes.” — He said, immediately texting his girlfriend about the interview as he knew she could become a bit insecure with Shawn going to an interview with his celebrity crush. But her response came out being super supportive which made Shawn at ease about going.

- - -

13/01/2020

“Hello you guys, I was told you had never met! And honestly I didn’t believe it!” — The interviewer at the radio said making Shawn and Emily smile at each other before answering.

“I honestly just never spent enough time here to get to meet new people, I am always hanging out with the crew and it just never happened, but it is an honour to finally meet you Shawn!” — Emily said with a smile.

“No, please the honour is all mine! I just really cannot believe this is happening right now and I am not sure I know exactly how to properly behave, I am like your number 1 fan!” — He said, totally fingerling over her and making her giggle. 

“Normally Emily comes over to talk about acting, but today we will talk about song writing, and her process on writing and recording her song for a Disney movie! How did that happen?” 

“Well Kate, I don’t even know myself if I am being honest, I knew I would have to sing, but when Julia contacted me asking if I wanted to help with writing it took me a lot by surprise, it was the first time I ever wrote a song in my life, so I definitely was not expecting the response we got, honestly I really believe it was all Julia’s magic and I ended up being there with her by a struck of luck or something” — She answered.

“What do you think of the song Shawn? And how it is writing for you?”

“What do I think of her song? I wrote with Julia a few weeks after they finished recording and Julia couldn’t shut up about you and how you brought all the sparkles into the song, and I really think it is an amazing vulnerable song and that you really should give yourself some more credit, I really love it. And about writing, for me this song is an example of what I am trying to do every day, really just pouring my soul into it and making feelings into words.” — He answered making her blush a little. 

“Thank you Shawn, we don’t have a lot of time today unfortunately, so we chose one question from fans for you to answer: If you had to choose between writing in London or anywhere else in the world where would you choose to go?” 

“I really like recoding in LA, but London is on my top 5 places too.” — Shawn answered and waited for Emily.

“Toronto, 100%! If there is one place I feel the most comfortable being in such a vulnerable state is Toronto for sure.”

“Time is up, guys thank you so much! I hope I get to see more of you around Toronto Emily, and Shawn let’s please meet up soon! I will see you again tomorrow to talk about the process of filming Game of Thrones with Emilia Clarke!” 

As they left the recording room, Shawn finally had the chance to compliment Emily properly.

“I really really love your work so much, you have no idea! — He said in an exited way which made her smile. — Can I hug you? — He asked and she immediately nodded and was engulfed in his hug. She really had a strange sensation when they were hugging, it was the same sensation she felt whenever she would arrive in Toronto, it felt like home. “Is it too much if I ask for an autograph too?” — He asked, making her laugh.

“Of course, here you go.” She signed on his notebook.

They talked for over an hour after the interview, and he also left her his number for whenever she was around if she needed company to tour on his city. She knew he had a girlfriend but at the same time she couldn’t help but to wonder which is also why she promised herself to never text him.

- - -

15/08/2021

“Our final question of the night” — Elen said with a pout and the audience also made a sound of protest. “I know, I know you love her, I love her too!” — She said taking Emily laugh

“And I love you all of course” — She said seeing a kiss to the audience.

“If you had to make a song duet, and I mean a real one, not one with me for this show. Who would you like to sing with?” 

“Shawn Mendes” — She said, very fast and without thinking too much.

“Oh wow, that was fast, is there something going on that we don’t know about? You definitely do make a lot of visits to Toronto.” — Elen said, leaving it open to her to interpret it.

“I just really like the way his voice sounds” — She said, bluish a little when she noticed how her response sounded. — “ And of course if we record in Toronto even better”

“Smooth Emily, I guess we all will have to let that slide since our time is up for today”.

- - - 

19/10/2021

“So Shawn” — Elen Paused —“Do you watch my show?”

“Whenever I can, I do.” 

“A few months ago we had an interview with Emily Wilson, and apparently she really likes your voice” — She said making him blush because he had no idea what she was talking about.

“I am not exactly sure what you are talking about Elen” — He answered, not wanting to mess things up with his favourite star.

“Here is Emily on this show, and what she said” — Elen replayed the clip, and Shawn immediately felt his blushing. “Adorable right?” — She said making him close his eyes for a second and smile timidly.

“I really like the way her voice sounds too, not only in music but also everything she has even acted on, she is perfect in everything she does” — He answered and bit his lip softly at the end, still embarrassed by the situation.

Later that night he was surprised when his phone received a text from Emily, as he hadn’t really talked to her in over a year.

Emily: I will be in Toronto next week, if you are around and want to meet for a coffee maybe?

Shawn: Text me your hotel once you have it and I will pick you up and show you around the city if you want a proper tour.

- - -

25/10/2021

“Connor I am sincerely nervous for this. — Shawn said for the 100th time that day.

“It will be fine, honestly I can’t believe it took you guys so long to actually go on a date!” 

“What do you mean, Man I did have a girlfriend before remember?”

“Shawn, we both know your relationship with Mila started for the wrong reasons, and honestly the possibility of it evolving was very slim.” — He said referring to the publicity stunt they had agreed and that later evolved into a relationship. — “You love her, but only as a friend, whereas you have been fungirling over Emi for years, even before Camila.” 

“I am not sure if you saying that helps a lot to soothe my nerves at all” — He said adjusting the collar of his shirt and deciding it was time to leave.

- - -

05/04/2022

“Okay, so since you are here, and we are being honest with each other, I though we might as well go for Spill your Guts or Fill your Guts!” — James said being filled by a round of a applauses. — “Everything in here is vegetarian, so you can eat everything, or nothing if you decide to answer the questions.”.

“Oh God, this does not look good at all, but yeah, I am ready, ask me”. 

“We are nearing the finale of your series with Netflix, are there any spin-offs of the series being prepared for later? Or is that the last of The Selection we will see? — He asked making her close her eyes.

“Come on James, that is really not fair, I can’t answer this.” — She said trying to sound a bit mad, but laughing at the end.

“That’s all right, you can always go for the onion and garlic tea.” — He said, and she took a sip making a lot of effort to not throw up in the process.

“My turn, James, is there any celebrity who you refused to invite to your show before?” — She read her question and smiled at him.

“She really knows what she is doing you guys, nop I guess olive pudding for me it is” — He said looking a bite of the disgusting looking olive pudding.

“Emily, some photos have been circling around the internet, and I we are all wondering if they are real, so I would like to read Shawn’s last 3 messages to you” — He said making her blush, they still hadn’t officially confirmed nor denied anything, but their photos of the grammy’s were all over the internet already so there was really no hiding to do anymore.

“Okay, I guess you can do that” — She said after verifying the messages quickly.

“Oh wow! I was not expecting that you guys! I really wasn’t, okay so let’s do this:

Hi Emi, I really really miss you. I hope James is not too mean to you, Love. Good luck, I love you, and see you later.

“Awww… you guys are melting our hearts right now.” — He said taking her phone close to his heart. — “IT’S REAL EVERYONE!” 

[stormblessed95]

To also piggyback off the older army anon I think it’s possible jikook “took a break” during this chapter 2 to test the waters of being separated for such an extended period of time. I don’t think they love each other any less, and maybe I’m just colder and more analytical, but I would want to make sure I could still function after being so codependent on someone else for so long. Most shippers seem to think that if you knew you had to be apart, you’d spend every moment you could together, when really that’s just one of the options. When I reference shippers I’m not talking about you, I mean generally.

I’m saying this as someone who took a year long break with my partner. We’ve been together for more than 10 years now. We were together for a few years, took a break, and now we’ve been together again for 7 years. Sometimes life gets in the way. We didn’t stop loving each other, and we didn’t talk often, but when we did, we were sad but still flirty and nice to each other because we missed each other and we chose to get back together after that time apart.

A lot of shippers put Jikook’s relationship on a pedestal because their story can be presented as an epic romance, but they are still just people. It can be hard for those shippers to understand that two people that love each other and don’t “have to” be apart yet could choose to be apart, and I don’t think that these people have ever been in a LTR much less a LTR where real life obligations got in the way. (Side note: after years of being with someone, you don’t always have to be in each other’s pockets. Would it be nice to always be with your partner? Of course, but life doesn’t always allow that.)

The break my partner and I took strengthened our relationship. After years together you can become complacent. When we got back together we were choosing it, and we continued to choose each other, we both put in more effort and we are both more comfortable in the times we have to spend apart. We are healthier now than when we were codependently stuck to each other. I’m not saying this is 100% Jikook’s situation, maybe they never took a break, but I’ve seen a lot of shippers projecting their ideas of what a perfect (in their mind Jikook’s) relationship should look like and I hoped sharing my experience could add another perspective of how difficult real life relationships can be, how much nuance there can be, and how sometimes the healthier choice isn’t the most romantic choice. I know one of their many names is the black and white couple, but most aspects of life are not that simple, and I wish more shippers would understand that.

I like how kindly you shared your opinion. I'm not sure I completely agree with you, but it's valid. And who knows. We don't know anything for sure so it's possible. We aren't seeing much from them, so who knows. From what we do see, I don't personally think they've taken a full break or separation. But that's just me. And yeah, long distance relationships can be hard. We shall see what they share snd how things go in the future, during their service and when they get out again too I'm sure. For now, in my opinion, I do think they are probably still together. Based off my own assumptions lol

And the one thing I do agree with is that protecting your idea of a perfect relationship onto jikook is never a good idea. Unless they release a tell all book one day, we will likely never know everything and have to be content just enjoying the little bit of their love that we do get to see

[elialys]

hey. as a fellow writer from niche fandoms and unpopular ships, can i just say i really appreciate you being upfront about how much lack of engagement sucks. really thank you. especially because it comes from someone like you who has a fair amount of engagement, but you know what? you’re right being pissed. i know i am. i come from fandoms where people are constantly yapping about lack of content yet none of them engage w/ each other. i ended up leaving bc i felt like i was screaming to a wall. and you know what? i haven’t stopped writing, just posting. bc why bother? so yeah, i AM writing for myself, and also keeping it from myself. idc if that’s petty honestly, like no, it doesn’t make me feel any better if someone out there might end up liking it one day if they’re being completely silent about it. fandoms aren’t supposed to be one-sided. i’m fine w people not reading my stuff cause they don’t like it. you can straight up tell me you hate my ship and i will be like. cool 👍 but when people do read and like your stuff and yet never say anything, that’s something that i don’t like

anyway sorry for rambling, know that you’re much appreciated. i remember you from my doctor who days and i wish i were in your fandoms so i could keep reading your stuff. ❤️

For the longest time I didn’t say anything because I realize that in a lot of cases, I’ve had what you’d call great engagement, and I’ve always been so thankful for the love my stories have received throughout various fandoms. But the decline is STEEP these days, and I have the hindsight of having been writing/sharing fics online for two decades, so I have a lot of 'data' to compare these days’ numbers to.

That’s the thing that has always gotten to me. NUMBERS. Being so, so aware of how many people click on our fics, and how few of them actually engage with a comment. Even at my most “popular”, I didn’t get more than 5% of my readers interacting with me; it felt like a lot because I had a lot of readers, so it meant more comments, but it still was only 5%.

Like you said, it’s this knowing that people are reading, that they are coming back chapter after chapter, yet they don’t bother engaging with us, even when most of us basically BEG in author notes for them to comment and make us feel less like word spewing machines and more like creative members of their online community. What really got to me this last month was updating my fic for The Last of Us, a chapter that got 1,000 hits in two weeks, and I got 10 comments for it. I was just…how the fuck are 1,000 people reading and only 10 of them bothering? Especially since that fic had averaged 3 times that amount of comments for months on previous chapters.

Every time I get disheartened by the increasingly shitty reader engagement, I tell myself that’s it, I’m done writing fics. But then I always go back to it a few days later because I actually LOVE writing fics. Like, fuck yeah, I do write for myself and actually enjoy it for myself (in a love-hate kind of writing relationship obviously 🤣). I do it because I am in love with the characters I’m writing about, and fascinated by their dynamics and relationships, so it’s genuinely a THRILL, and my biggest passion.

But the abysmal engagement these days is just…it makes me feel like shit, there’s no other word for it. Because I spend so much time and energy on those stories (because I want to and I LOVE to write), but as a fic writer, there’s always this part of me that’s excited to be SHARING it with the fandom. Because twenty years of this have gotten me used to at least some decent interaction, and feeling like I'm part of a community. But then the hit count goes up and the comment count stays low or nearly empty, and it’s just gutting. People just consume, consume, consume.

Honestly, GOOD ON YOU for still writing while deciding not to share with your niche fandom at the moment. I’m thinking I might do the same with the rest of my Tess & Ellie AU, because I want to see it through and finish it for ME, but I’m done spoon-feeding an apathetic crowd. I’ll reach out to my most loyal readers and regular commenters when the day comes, and give them a way to read the rest of the story, might even just post the chapters straight on my blog here like I used to do, but not on AO3, not for a goooooood while.

Maybe it is petty, maybe I am just butt hurt. But fuck it, it does hurt my feelings, and I’m the one spending hours of my life writing those things, so I’ll do it my way. And I will continue to call readers out, and ask them to step up. We are human beings, not chatGPT, we just want some appreciation for sharing our art.

[wonderlandleighleigh]

96 Thoughts while rewatching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Pilot.

1. Midge graduated college early, got married and had her first kid in like a year and a half holy shit girl.

2. That fat joke not great. But ASP is ASP.

3. monogrammed butter pads. Like Disney World!

4. lol the bleaching.

5. Why did the man have to be Joel?

6. Midge why was Joel a gift from god? He was not. He was not a gift from god, the best thing he did for you was help you recognize Lenny when you eventually got thrown in the same cop cruiser.

7. The airplane gluuuueeeeee lol

8. The suit they put Luke in is too big on purpose, to try and make him look older and less attractive and it uh...doesn’t work.

9. Against a tree. Ugh. Not comfortable.

10. “we’re very happy” I love Abe so much.

11. So many angry Jews about shrimp.

12. YOU SHOW ME WHERE IN THE BIBLE WHERE GOD SAYS YOU CAN’T EAT SHRIMP.

13. I wish I lived where there was a dedicated butcher.

14. Poor Midge has no idea that she and Joel are skint because he hasn’t told her shit. God dammit.

15. Spending hours on that brisket. Hours to get it perfect.

16. He hates you, Joel, because you’re a terrible comedian and you don’t deserve a better time.

17. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” You’re gonna find out, asshole.

18. Penny Pann cannot use an electric pencil sharpener. She is so fucking dumb. How did she figure out sex if she couldn’t figure out- you know never mind.

19. The music slaps.

20. Remember that no matter how in love Joel is acting in this moment, he’s been fucking Penny for months.

21. MONTHS.

22. He winds up so angry about Midge handling everything for him, but he let her. He enjoyed it. He barely had to lift a finger.

23. Oh Susie.

24. Oh Midge.

25. I owe my soul to the company stooooooore

26. “I should be kissing the brisket!” Fuck you.

27. Jackieeeeeeeeeeeee

28. Blugh.

29. Blugh Joel.

30. Susie knows what’s up.

31. “I was great.” Holy fuck.

32. One standing ovation everyone goes home pregnant. lol

33. We’ve never met Aunt Bertha. I want to. I deserve Aunt Bertha.

34. Fuck, Midge’s routine is so brutal. Paranoidly staying awake until Joel drops off, and then doing her entire routine and sneaking back into bed. Getting up before the sun is up to redo her whole look and then pretending to be asleep. Jesus, not thank you.

35. COMPLETE WITH FAKE EYELASHES UGH.

36. She really thought this was supposed to be her life forever. That this was it.

37. Morning Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. E-

38. Rose and the forehead. Ugh. Just the - the physical expectations...so much yikes.

39. lol schnorror

40. Oh Imogene.

41. Again. The every day physical demands are insane. And Midge puts this on herself for the most part, but I do get the feeling that Joel...didn’t help.

42. “I made curry but I also ordered Chinese.” BITCH NO! NO! YOU MAKE DINNER HE EATS WHAT YOU COOKED WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT AND IF IT IS TRULY UNPALATABLE YOU ORDER OUT TOGETHER. God damn, the shit this woman would go through just to make this horrible man happy. Fuck’s sake.

43. Poor Midge, realizing that Joel is stealing material. Thinking at first that someone stole his stuff.

44. THERE IS AN ENTIRE ENORMOUS BOWL OF LEMONS ON THE TABLE! Are they wax? Jesus that’s so many.

45. “It’s fine, everybody does it.” Feh.

46. “When I found out June Friedman stole my meatloaf recipe I almost stabbed her in the eye with a fork.” Big Lorelai vibes.

47. “You’ll learn.” Fuck you, Joel.

48. Midge made another brisket when Baz asked for latkes....

49. Midge is never on time. Just FYI.

50. Joel not getting his way gets shitty. We start to see how terrible he is here. The cracks of her being berated for things she can’t control. Like ted the moth.

51. He’s not a comedian, Midge.

52. LOL Susie. “THE CLEARYS ARE HERE?!”

53. The jerkoff motion lol. Love it.

54. Who here likes Hillbilly polka?! Me! I do!

55. SPOKANE!

56. Watching Joel bomb is rough. I absolutely hate this scene. If there’s one thing this show does well, it’s showing people bomb. And how bad it can be. It really is like chewing tin foil. Like nails on a chalkboard.

57. No one cares about your holey sweater, asshole. You cannot tell a joke.

58. It is so hard to watch. It is so hard to watch. Holy shit. Holy shit just stop stop Joel stop no no no no no no no no no.

59. And of course he blames Midge for his bad performance. Everything is her fault. He cannot take responsibility for his lack of talent. It has to be her fault.

60. And she’s trying to be supportive. She’s trying to be kind about this. And he’s just...awful.

61. Like i get that this was a bad night for him, but his lack of ability to deal with his life is atrocious.

62. And he’s leaving her because suddenly this isn’t what he wants, even though he’s been relying on her for their whole marriage. He loves it when things go right. He cannot deal when things don’t go his way.

63. “Nobody’s happy, it’s Yom Kippur.”

64. “he was in Buchenwald, throw him a bone!” lol I love this line. It’s a particular bit of very Jewish gallows humor that’s hard to come by in pop culture, and it’s what sold me on the show when I watched it for the first time.

65. She had no idea this was actually his dream. He never told her. They never talked about his dreams, or her wants. They don’t talk to each other.

66. BECAUSE YOU KILLED IT. It’s true.

67. “Do you know what a dream is?” What a terrible - god dammit.

68. YOU NEVER TALK TO HER ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU NEVER TALK AND SO SHE HAS NO IDEA! You fucking asshole. God damn. 

69. You cannot expect your partner to know everything without telling them. That’s just moving the goal posts around day after day. Jesus.

70. “I will be better. I will do better.” Poor Midge. god dammit.

71. He is so awful. I cannot believe I sit through scenes of this terrible man. He is the fucking worst. And he has been from fucking jump, and he’s only gotten marginally better.

72. “SO YOU”LL TELL YOUR PARENTS FOR ME?!” WHAT THE FUCK!

73. Joel Maisel is the WoooOOOOooOOOOOOooorst!

74. “I’m sorry.” You’re not sorry at all.

75. Though I think that was the only time he ever really said it.

76. I love how much Abe loves television.

77. “What did you do?” Ugh. Ugh.

78. “That was about deli, too.” lol

79. omg Rose. Her character development is amazing.

80. “You cannot survive this.” Yeah she can.

81. Girl I’d get drunk too.

82. favorite gif:

83. It’s a Pyrex. My Pyrex.

84. Joel did not want to be challenged. He wanted to be coddled.

85. Midge her shirt was on inside out because she put it back on after fucking your husband girl.

86. THEM TITTIES

87. LENNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

88. For how much of an unforgiving hardass Susie can be, she also is very sympathetic to Midge when she’s falling apart

89. One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.

90. lol eating chips on Yom Kippur mood.

91. 10 in the morning?!

92. You’re not my wife.

93. Their chemistry from jump was just amazing. He was only supposed to be a bit part and...yeah. They just...the way they look at each other, even from the beginning.

94. And she just waits patiently for him to finish his schtick. She knows he’s just gotta work through his little song and dance to get to her answer. They have a rhythm from the beginning.

95. THE FUCK BOY SHRUG.

96. Yeah. He loves it.

[heroes-of-olympus-next-gen]

I would do it over and over again

While I was writing this, things got a bit out of hand (Taylor Swift showed up?)

Percy and Annabeth had finally gotten married. After taking a thousand pictures with everyone they were ready to head to the reception. The venue was already filled with people, which roared with cheers when Percy and Annabeth came inside and sat at their seats.

Annabeth realised how Percy was soaking every tiny detail from their wedding which made her love him a little bit more. “You know,” she said quietly enough so only he could listen to her, “I can officially call you my husband now.”

“Is that so, wife?” Percy replied.

“Oh yes, and I’m going to use your new title all the time.”

“That works just fine with me.” He took her hand and kissed it softly before resting his, on her thigh. “Let everyone know that I’m only yours.”

“Stop saying things like that because I am not going to make it.” She told him in all seriousness as he was so hot and good looking that she was trying her hardest to not ditch their wedding reception.

The dinner was just as amazing as the one in the rehearsal dinner and the open bar seemed to be a hit with their guests. Before they even understood it, it was time for the speeches.

“Is it on?” Grover asked as he cautiously spoke to the microphone which then echoed through the speakers. “I guess it’s working.” He laughed. “For those who don’t know me, I’m Grover and I’m the best man tonight. I’ve known Annabeth since she was 7 and Percy since he was 12. Needless to say, I’m so proud of being able to stand here and watch my two best friends getting married and having the chance to grow old together. If you had told me 10 years ago that they would get married I would have laughed at your face. The first summer we had spent together I had to put up with their constant fighting. Which at the end of the day, decided to call old married couple fighting.” A few people laughed with this bit. “I can go on and on about how amazing and generous and smart and charismatic people Percy and Annabeth, but I gather from all of you being today here that you know their endless good qualities. All I can say is that I’m glad that despite what they’ve been through they can finally take a breath and live the life they deserve.” After he was done speaking, he quickly hugged them both before sitting down.

Rachel was up next. She was wearing a sapphire blue dress like the rest of the bridesmaids. “I’m Rachel and Annabeth’s maid of honour. Although Percy and I have been friends since we were 15, Annabeth and I didn’t start our relationship on a good note. But after being flatmates in college and neighbours since she and Percy moved back to New York, I can’t deny that I consider Annabeth one of my closest friends. I only wish those 3 years that we weren’t speaking to each other we had given us a chance so that I wouldn’t have missed to the gift that is Annabeth’s friendship. Just like Grover, I am not going to talk about how amazing they are, because I won’t be able to stop talking. That’s why I’m going to tell you a story. About the moment I knew that Percy and Annabeth were meant for each other. It was the summer after our senior year. I was in the same class as Percy whilst Annabeth was spending her senior year in San Francisco. We were sitting in my car and Percy turned to me and said, “I’m going to get married to Annabeth one day.” And then he went in with detail to support his argument. I swear I’ve never someone so head over heels as Percy was that day. He then described how he imagined their wedding day, which he again described with extensive details. I’m glad Percy and Annabeth found each other and while being a close couple having their own space to grow as individuals and accomplish all of their dreams and goals.” Rachel paused and looked around the room like she was searching for someone. “Now, that the speeches part of the reception is over I would like to call Percy and Annabeth for their first dance.” Annabeth was sure she saw Rachel trying to contain her excitement. “And I would also like to welcome tonight’s special guest which is no other than 12 times Grammy award winner, Taylor Swift.”

Annabeth was pretty sure that Rachel was joking until she saw Percy’s expression the moment Taylor Swift went to the piano and sat down. She turned to Rachel who just blew her a kiss.

“Hey everybody! I’m Taylor and although I don’t know Percy and Annabeth personally from what Will has told me about them I’m excited to be able to perform their wedding song. This one is from my latest album. I hope you all enjoy it.”

Annabeth was shocked, but she put her hands on Percy’s shoulders as he placed on her waist and pulled her closer to him. Taylor started playing the piano. “Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in.”

This love was Annabeth’s favourite song from 1989 along with Wildest Dreams. And Taylor freaking Swift was playing it at her wedding. She locked her eyes with Percy’s and she swore she’d never been so in love with him. He was the person who had stayed when everyone else had abandoned her. “Best day of my life.” She whispered to his ear.

“Then, I’m excited to give you even better ones.” He said and kissed her softly that made everyone cheer and clap. By the time Taylor ended the song she was a pool of emotions.

“I hope you all have fun tonight. Thank you!” Taylor said as she went to the back room. Rachel motioned them to come inside. Percy smiled and literally sprinted while holding Annabeth’s hand.

“How?” Was all Annabeth could say when she saw Nico standing outside the door along with three bodyguards that she hadn’t noticed until that point.

“Go ask Mr Nepo baby inside.” Nico replied. “Congratulations, by the way.” He opened the door.

Taylor was sitting at the vanity while Will was sitting on the couch having casual conversation with her. “Percy, Annabeth, did you like your wedding present?” Will asked them.

“Of course!” Percy replied before Annabeth even got the chance. “I’m a huge fun ever since your debut album.” He gushed.

“Will told me.” Taylor said as she came closer to them. “When Will called me to sing tonight I wasn’t sure, but after he sent me a video of the two of you in the tour last spring I was convinced.”

Percy was too stunned to speak. “Thank you so much for coming. It means the world to us. Your music has really inspired me.”

“I’m glad, Annabeth. I have to go now.” She hugged them both goodbye and Annabeth was about to explode. “Will, expect my call later this week.” Taylor said and left from the back door.

“How are you on a first name basis with Taylor Swift?” Percy uttered after she was gone.

“My mum worked with her during her first album. And our families are close. We spent our summer holidays together.” Will said like it was the most casual thing.

“And you never thought to mention it?”

“Did you ask me?” He questioned them. “Plus, I thought me sitting next to Andrea at the 1989 tour was enough.”

“How are we ever going to thank you enough?” Annabeth asked him.

“Like I said, it’s a wedding gift. So, stay married and happy. That’s enough.” Will replied.

By the time they got back outside, everyone was dancing to the music. Evelyn came and dragged Annabeth with her. Percy was about to join their friends until he saw a guest standing at the back. He slowly made his way back there, mostly unnoticed by them.

“No Hawaiian t-shirt today?” Percy asked his father.

“Percy, I-“ Poseidon cleared his throat. “Congratulations. I’m proud of you. You and Annabeth make a lovely couple.”

“Thanks, dad.” Percy said feeling a bit awkward. “I’m glad you came. I didn’t know if I should have sent you an invitation or something. I guessed that if you wanted, you’d show up. And you did.”

“You’re my son. And although I’ve never been there for you, I promise that I love you very much. I have something for you. Consider it a benevolent gesture.” Poseidon took out of his pocket a small box and handed it to Percy. “Andromeda’s pearls. Straight from my treasure at the palace.”

Percy opened the box and saw a pair of pearl earrings along with pearl necklace. “Dad, I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. Give them to Annabeth.” Poseidon said to his son. “Perseus and Andromeda had a long and happy life together. I hope you and Annabeth end up the same way.” He took out his hand for Percy to shake, but Percy pulled him in a hug instead.

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you, son. Now, I have to go before anyone else notices me. We had orders to not show up, but I don’t remember the last time I cared about my brother’s opinion. Have a great honeymoon.” Poseidon said before he evaporated.

Percy put the box in his pocket and went to where Nico was sitting, smoking a cigarette. “Hey, is anyone sitting here?”

Nico blew some smoke before putting the remains to the ashtray. “No, I came to smoke while Will was with Connor and Malcolm. He hates and I quote when I destroy my lungs.”

“He isn’t wrong, you know.” Percy said.

“It’ll be fine. Congratulations, on getting married. I was rooting for you.” He mentioned.

“Thanks. So, what’s up with you. You don’t answer the phone enough.”

“I’m working on it. But I’m too busy with my mad academia at the moment. College is a bitch.” Nico stated as he lit another cigarette.

“You had to be overachieving and go to Stanford.” Percy smiled.

“Will’s nerdiness is rubbing off me. He’s 19 and a second year medical student. Do you know how many people do that? Nobody. Only my himbo.” Nico said in all seriousness. “But it’s nice being close to Hazel and Reyna after everything. And it’s nice knowing I won’t be in student debt.”

Percy knew that after his 18th birthday, Nico had access to his family’s trust fund and as the last survivor he had a vast wealth in his hands and even though he rarely brought it up, Percy guessed that it was a big sum. Nico had grown to be one of Percy’s favourite people. A little beaten up and bruised, but it wasn’t like the rest of them weren’t. “So, Classics degree. And then?”

“No idea. Like nada. Nothing. My brain is empty. I might go to law school. Or teach classics. We’ll see. The night is still young.” He pulled up his sleeves as it started getting very warm and humid. Percy noticed a new tattoo to his ever growing collection. “New?” he said and pointed at the skull that read inside ‘to be; to not be.’ Nico had gotten a lot of tattoos for which he got scolded by Reyna. That didn’t really phase him as he had also gotten a septum and every time Percy saw him, he had another tattoo. Just like the one in front of him.

“Yes, I got it last week. Does it satisfy your Shakespearean cravings?”

“You know very well that I don’t like Shakespeare that much. But the tattoo is nice. It suits you.” Percy complimented him. “What are you going to do when you run out of space for more tattoos?”

“My left arm is still untouched. And I’m keeping it until I have kids.”

“You want kids?”

“Not right now. In a few years. I guess. It’s not like we have talked about it with Will. We’re still kids. And I still have a lot of shit to figure out.” Nico explained. “How about you? Should I expect baby Jackson in the next year?”

“Nope. Annabeth and I agreed to wait until she’s done with her doctorate and after the Olympics. If I make the cut.”

“You’re going to make the cut, and I’ll show up cheering you.” He said half-joking. Percy wasn’t really sure when Nico was being sarcastic or not.

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

“And I’ll be there.” Nico said and stood up. “I’ll go check on Reyna. It was nice talking to you.”

Percy made his way back to Annabeth. “Hey, Perce.” Annabeth kissed him and dragged him to the table where she was having drinks with Susannah and Samantha. He noticed Evelyn was missing, but he quickly found her giggling to something Ethan, his friend from the swim team was saying. “I missed you.” She pouted as she took another Manhattan from the bar that was next to her.

“I missed you too, darling.” Percy said as he downed a gin and tonic. “How much did you drink?”

“Just two Margaritas and a few shots.” She smiled which was Percy’s cue that she was getting drunk. He wasn’t doing well either, as by the time Style started playing he was dancing with Annabeth while Rachel and Evelyn were yelling the lyrics. His jacket was sent up to their room and his sleeves were up his elbow with his tie lost somewhere. But the adrenaline of being this close to Annabeth knowing he wouldn’t get married to her again was enough to keep him upright.

Before they even realised it, the DJ called them to the dance floor for their last dance which was ‘forever young’ by Alphaville. “I love you so much.” Percy said and kissed her shoulder softly. “I can’t wait to have a lifetime of adventures with you.”

[lesbenson]

girl wtf is happening I've been out of the svu fandom for like a year last episode I watched/that's out on streaming is final call at forlinis bar and I kinda stopped caring after that but wtf is happening pls help catch me up

i have never been called succinct so sorry in advance

okay so beginning of this season svu and oc work a case together, not much eo but she calls him el and physically stops him from fighting a guy. amanda gets shot and survives but starts rethinking her job a lot.

svu ep 2 liv investigates an assault connected to a gang, that gang comes back in ep 10 and attacks liv in front of noah, three episode arc

for a few episodes of oc we meet a woman named tia that elliot worked with in italy, there’s a flirty vibe but he’s weird the whole time, eventually they get drunk together and the next morning she tells him he told her there was a woman he was in love with (😀)

svu ep 9 noah finds out he has a half brother on his dads side, meets him and stays with him for a weekend in woodstock, amanda and carisi get married, amanda officially decides to leave svu for a teaching gig (built up for the past few eps) and drives to woodstock to spend time with liv and tell her in person, they have a conversation about livs feelings about elliot and how she wants to be as happy as amanda is now, liv says she felt like elliot was her Home, that kathy was the boundary, and that she’s not over elliot leaving her

svu eps 10-12 the gang arc, fin takes noah upstate to stay with his brother and liv asks elliot to bring noah home when they’ve finished the case. elliot and liv in livs (new!!) apartment, he wants to know why she didn’t call him when she got attacked. “because i knew you would try and protect me?” “there’s something wrong with that? i care for you.” then they almost kiss and do a Lot of face nuzzling and whispering. liv tells elliot she Wants to but she can’t because she’s scared things won’t work out. she tells him she’s not ready for this.

in the oc ep immediately following this scene we see liv in elliot’s call log - at the top above all his kids - he almost calls. liv sends a woman elliot’s way to help her with a case - she tells elliot “captain benson speaks very highly of you”

svu eps 11-20 several vague references to trauma and healing and abandonment that seem to have eo implications, we know liv has been working on stuff

oc ep 20 elliot has been taking care of his mom at home lately, bernie accidentally sets a table place for kathy, elliot sees kathy’s GHOST in the occb interrogation room (she’s in her hospital gown, in the interrogation chair)

svu ep 21 liv finds out oc is investigating the same suspect as svu so they team up, she meets elliot outside the new york public library (which … so romantic to me 🥹) and it seems like it’s the first time they’ve really spoken since he was in livs apartment. she also finds out amanda is pregnant bc carisi can’t keep his mouth shut

start oc crossover liv and elliot in occb going through files, she can tell something is off and eventually sees he’s wearing his wedding ring again, he tells her he saw kathy, there’s a Lot of eye contact and little jokes. they go talk to the guy who greenlit liv to the gang from ep 10 (in jail. where elliot throws him into a shelf). liv breaks up another fight by literally just walking in front of elliot, who folds so immediately it was almost embarrassing to watch. she says she wishes he hadnt done that, he says if someone tried to kill him - she interrupts and says she kill them. she tells him to protect the case not her. in the promo for next weeks ep we see liv get shot while with elliot, she says she’s hit

also elliot has enlisted amanda’s help in building a psychological profile for their suspect, they have a conversation about how she’s bored at her job and hasn’t been talking to liv. liv congratulates her on the pregnancy

this is so long sorry

[literaturewithliz]

Hello its me(^o^) and this is my first Request

Can I request for Severus Snape when he broke up with his Girlfriend because He was Afraid of her safety and not knowing that she was pregnant with his Children... The Reader gives birth with Quadruplets like 3 boys and 1 girl.. And ones time while Severus was Buying some stuff for his Work he spotted her along with his Children and Reader was like very Wealthy and Powerful

Thank you so much(^o^)💙

Thanks so much for this ask!

I imagine that he breaks up with you like right after you both graduate Hogwarts

He wishes he didn’t have to, but he knows how dangerous it could be to have a romantic connection with a follower of the Dark Lord.

You know he doesn’t want to, because you know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t throw away something he’s spent so long putting time and energy into, like your relationship.

The night he does break up with you, he says that he never loved you.

All in an attempt to get you to hate him.

You tell him that you don’t believe him.

He knows that you won’t drop this, and that you’ll never believe that he doesn’t love you.

So he says other things.

“I hate you.”

“You were just a replacement for Lily.”

“You couldn’t even do that.”

“You serve no purpose to me.”

“How could I love someone so disgusting?”

Each word is not only like a knife to your heart, but to his as well.

He knows he will forever despise himself for being the reason that you looked so miserable.

You go silent, and he just leaves, distraught.

He never finds another person to love, still hung up on you.

And he still despises himself, just like he knew he would.

About 10 years later, he’s in Diagon Alley to get some new supplies for the potions supply closet.

And he sees you

And you’ve definitely changed

He’s seen you in the Daily Prophet, of course.

And all of the amazing things you’d done for the wizarding world as an auror.

But the papers had never done you justice.

You were still beautiful, but in a less youthful way.

You looked more confident, too.

Taller, wiser.

Like a woman.

And Severus wasn’t quite sure what to do other than stand in the middle of the Alley and gape.

The biggest change, though, was the four children that ran out of the Quidditch store and embraced you.

All of them had at least one feature similar to his.

The little girl, however, looked EXACTLY like him.

Just a lot less sad.

He knew who the father of those children were instantly.

And he knew why you’d chosen not to let them around him.

Why would you, after what he’d said to you?

How could you ever trust him to not say similar things to the children?

He also knew, however, that he’d have to teach these children.

He’d have to spend seven years, watching them grow up, acting as a mere professor.

A professor that every student, except most Slytherins, hated.

Even though it would break him even worse.

But he would do it, because this was the grave that he had dug.

And now, the only way to protect them would be to make them hate him, too.

Just like he had done to you.

Snape didn’t ever get those supplies that day.

He just opted to go back to his room at Hogwarts and wait until another day.

I hope you liked it! You didn’t specify wether you wanted a happy ending or not, so this is what I came up with!

[zerxisyinten]

Every day I go on living because I feel like someone might be sad if I was gone, but never really feel like anyone is happy that I’m here.

I’ve never lived for myself, I don’t know if the feeling of it would be freeing or if I’d just fizzle out.

Still scared to die, but wish I could trade my life for someone else’s, at least I’d feel like I had been useful to someone on the way out.

I wonder if the feeling I call love is the same feeling other people call love.

Maybe I’ve mislabeled it. It feels like a white-knuckle grip around my heart, like a fist that tightens until the muscle cramps and can’t let go anymore. It only ever grows stronger, heavier, suffocating. I used to think it was noble, that the intensity of how much I felt made me a better person.

Not everyone would make a sacrifice of themselves, right? That must mean there’s something good in me somewhere.

The only good thing there’s ever been about me is that I know I’m not worth as much as other people.

I disgust myself.

It’s all just fantasy, there’s no value in feeling deeply or stringing together pretty words. It doesn’t matter what I’d die for or how I feel if the version of me that passively keeps on going is bad at normal life. Who gives a shit if in the meantime I can’t get a better job, if I can’t finish school, if I learn every normal task 5-10 years later than everyone else.

I don’t know if there was a time in my life someone could have stepped in and helped me catch up to the rest of the world, or if I was born being too much work for anyone to help. Maybe that’s childish thinking. I should’ve been invested in my own life, helped myself from the start. I didn’t want to get better back then, I didn’t know I’d ever want to get better.

When I was a kid all I remember was that it hurt to get up, it hurt to get dressed, it hurt to talk, to walk, to eat, to sleep, to think, to dream, to want, to need. All that shit still hurts, I never grew a callous, I just got used to being raw with every step.

I wish I could feel what others feel. Words are hard to believe, hard to process. If I could just know that someone loved me like I love them, if I could just know that I was wanted the way that I wanted someone, I know I could be different, I could be stronger.

All I can do is trust that the feeling is there. I have never seen trust work for anyone I cared about, why would trust work for me? The stronger the feeling gets, the more I say it, think it, the more it feels like I’m screaming my lungs out into the void, at a wall, into the mouth of a cave hoping to hear an echo.

It’s hard to believe there was a time in my youth when someone told me I bottled up my emotions too much. When I could tell my therapist I struggled to feel anything at all. I wonder if they really understood what they were saying when they told me to let it out. I pulled the cork, and it just never stopped coming out. Fifteen years have passed since the first time I cried writing words on a page and it just never stopped.

The first person I ever told that I loved them said that I feel too much and do too little. I was 14 or 15. They barely knew who I was, and in a single sentence I felt like the very fabric of my soul had been cleanly defined. They peeled alway the human disguise with a handful of words, held a mirror up to my face and showed me a parasite. I feel like I just stopped growing, changing, right there and then. I’m still fifteen feeling too much and doing too little.

No one should love me, much less spend their life with me. I am not a knight, not a lover, I am a prison. All my feelings do is trap other people, make them feel obligated to continue being with me.

I feel too much.

I do too little.

I’m okay. I feel better. I just wish I could sleep when I wanted to.

I wish I wish I wish. Shut the fuck up, god. I hate the sound of my voice even in my head.

[idkkkena]

(today, 1:10 a.m.)

It’s been months since I’ve been over him, yet the thought that he pretended I was someone else for two and a half years absolutely crushes me still. Aaaaandddd I just realised he liked me more during summer because that’s when I looked the most like her, I’ll let that sink in while I rethink every single one of my life choices :D

(Also the way this stupid platform doesn’t let me edit the format of the text how I’d like to is making me lose my mind)

Sometimes when I’m alone I like to pretend I’m someone else.

I get lost in all the different people I wish I could have been. All the different lives I could’ve lived.

I used to do that with you too.

I would imagine all the things we could have done together, all the sweet nothings, all the memories that somehow felt so real.

After all, your touch, your smell, your voice, the softness of your lips… were things I knew well enough. And I used that knowledge to my advantage: where the real you didn’t touch, the you I so vividly imagined would caress with the softest of touches; when I missed the real you a little too much, your smell would cloud my mind; if the real you didn’t kiss me, I would close my eyes late at night and feel the ghost of your lips everywhere on me.

I used to hope for you to do the same, to have me so well engraved in your memory, that you’d spend your days filling the holes in our relationship with the ghost of my presence.

But you didn’t, did you?

You didn’t have to squeeze your eyes shut late at night, willing your senses to remember every faint trace of my existence for it to feel real.

I was always around, I always kissed you when you wanted me to, I always touched you, your shirts always had my smell clinging to them because I always gave them back a little too late, I never knew when to shut up around you.

No, you didn’t need to imagine me, you had me all the time.

It was a bit into our poor excuse of a relationship that I noticed.

Noticed how you always kept your eyes closed when we slept together, how you’d never face me when we hugged, how you never cared for what I had to say.

It was easier that way, for you to pretend I was her.

I knew she had you long before I even considered you an option and I knew how much you cared about her.

It didn’t really come as a surprise when I realised I was just a prop for your fantasies.

Tell me: did you look at my tan skin and wish it was a tad darker? Did you look at my hair and wish it was longer? Did you look into my eyes and imagine her cold stare when met with my loving glances? You never let me finish a sentence, was it because with me talking, your imagination couldn’t run as smoothly?

Did you pretend my feelings for you were hers too? When I handled you with care and fondness, did you go to sleep pretending it was her who treated you like that?

I think I know the answer to all these questions, and I think it’s the reason I still break a little when I think of you.