#I wish I could gas track through this period of my life

[devils-little-sista]

.

[writing-in-april]

The 5 Stages of Grief

Stage Two: Anger (2/5)

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer POV)

Summary: Spencer going through each of the stages of grief after the death of the reader. Stage two is anger.

A/N: Thank you for all the love this series has gotten just after posting the first part!! I know angst isn’t for everyone— and neither is seeing Spencer in pain but thank you to all the people who read it 🥰 Again there’s a lot of rhetorical questions in this chapter- plus a lot of repition in Spencer’s thoughts. and, again each chapter gets progressively longer (cause each stage lasts a longer period of time) I did want to clarify that the only thing in this series that’s really going to give away what season it’s in is the people that are on the team. Requests are open and thanks for reading!

Warnings ⚠️ (if you want full warnings for the series check the Masterlist): Unnecessary agression against Spencer’s co-workers, Spencer attacking an unsub, Talk of death, Blood, Talk of guns, Unreliable narrator

Main Masterlist | 5 Stages of Grief Masterlist

Word count: 1.6k

The water that I had been submerged under immediately following the denial slipping away was slowly being replaced with a fire that burned hot. As I was being brought back to the police station in one of the bureau supplied SUVs nothing else was on my mind except the scorching anger that flickered inside me. I was inflamed with rage, so much so that I didn’t care to respond to Morgan’s soothing words to me. The words did nothing to douse the flames flaring to life within me, it just made me wish I did shut him up back at the crime scene. I should regret that I almost injured part of my own team earlier when I was blinded by denial, but the roaring inferno that consumed me was forcing me to focus only on the man that dared to pull the trigger.

“Shut up!” I snapped hotly at Morgan. In response he gave me a wounded look, I could care less about his feelings right now, he didn’t have his significant other murdered right in front of him. That at least got him to be quiet for a moment, which allowed me to let a few hot tears slip down my cheeks. They were tears of frustration and anger, they might as well have been gasoline poured on me acting as a propellant for my hostile feelings.

What further fueled the fire that burned hot inside me was the fact that they would never fulfill the dreams they had for their life. There was also a small part of me that was selfish, the fact that I would never be able to experience those dreams with them, it only served as another accelerant for the fire within me.

They deserved a better way to go, they deserved not to be shot in the back alley behind a gas station. They deserved to die surrounded by loved ones after living a long full life, with me right beside them.

When we pulled up in front of the station I quickly shot out of the vehicle, almost forgetting to even unbuckle my seatbelt. Morgan swiftly followed behind me trying to catch up with my long belligerent strides.

“Wait kid!” He grabbed my arm that was still covered in their blood, cardigan had been soaked enough to even bleed through to my button up. My once pristine purple cardigan was stained blood red, I would never wear this again. As soon as I got the chance I would burn it, even if it was gifted to me by them.

“Don’t call me kid.” My statement was laced with a deadly tone, I didn’t want his help nor did I need his pity. I yanked my arm out of his grip, then storming up the steps and barging into the station. The police officers all looked at me with varying looks of sadness that made me want to wipe their expression off their face. They had no right to be sad. They didn’t even know them.

I paced by the evidence board waiting for any news, not caring that I was still stuck in my bloodied clothes. Most of the team had left to go follow a lead a while ago leaving me with Emily. At least she didn’t feel the need to speak to me. She knew there was nothing she could say or do to make this situation better.

“Spencer, can you come with me?” JJ asked me gently. I perked up instantly at those words, hoping that they had at least been able to track down some sort of information. At least then maybe my fire would be partially quelled.

My breath hitched when I saw what JJ had led me to see. There he was sitting at the interrogation table, the only thing separating us was the one way glass. There was no doubt in my mind, it was him.

JJ then looked at Hotch and Rossi with a saddened expression before joining Morgan in the room where the unsub was shackled to the table. They started the interrogation of what they were all probably saying was the ‘suspect’, but I knew him to be the perpetrator.

“Where did you find him?” The volume of my voice was soft when I spoke, though my words still had an edge of fury to it.

“He was found a mile away from the scene by some of the officers on patrol, with a gun of the same caliber that- Anyway, we are just waiting for ballistics to confirm.” Rossi was gentle as he explained the situation to me. My mind wandered again instead of fully listening to the reason this man was apprehended. Where was everyone’s rage? Why wasn’t anyone angry? The sadness everyone permeated right now, did nothing to help bring this man to justice. Justice was needed. Real action was needed. Vengeance was needed.

“It’s definitely him.” I wasn’t paying attention to the man’s recount or his alibi that I had no doubt was fake. It didn’t matter to me, there was no doubt in my mind that he was guilty.

“Are you sure?” Hotch finally spoke up with a tone of authority, seemingly unaffected by the events of today. “You never said if you got a good look at him or not.”

My face hardened into stone at Hotch’s question. Was he trying to make me more mad? Was he trying to goad me into retaliation? Did he even care about them? Did he even care that one of his co-workers had been murdered? Or was he really as stone cold as everyone made him out to be? Maybe Haley’s murder had really made him void of all emotion. I couldn’t do that. I needed to be angry, I needed it to fuel me into bringing this man to justice. Maybe it wouldn’t be the most legal form of justice, but I would make sure he’d see it, whether it was by my fist or the courts.

“It’s him.” I said with even more conviction, almost on the edge of yelling at the two of them. I turned around to face my two bosses, a dark expression taking over my face as I did. I wish they would just let me in the room.

Rossi’s face was full of pity and through learning to read Hotch’s micro expressions throughout the years I could tell he was trying to express his sympathy, though it felt hollow. The pity and sympathy only served to make the rage inside me more volatile, which I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t care that Hotch had experienced the same pain I was feeling and I didn’t care that Rossi truly had cared about the both of us. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to make me not want to burst through the door of the interrogation room and beat the man to a pulp.

My vision clouded over so I only saw red, I had been consumed by the fire within me. I was like an uncontrollable wildfire now, nothing would stop me. Nothing would stop me from reaching the source of my wrath.

————

My hands were bruised and bloodied, almost like I had punched my fists into glass repeatedly. The blood was seeping through the bandages, someone must have patched me up. But, who? I didn’t even know where I was right now or even how I had gotten these bruises.

Scanning my surroundings I realized I was sitting at the round table in my usual spot, my memory then started coming back to me. I remember JJ pulling me off the unsub after I barged into the interrogation room and had landed a few blows. In my fury of being pulled away from the source of my fire I punched through the mirror in the bathroom I had been dragged into. I remember the wounds on my hands being carefully cleaned by Emily with a softness that I didn’t see often from her. And, I remember being taken home on the jet accompanied by half of the team, the other half had stayed behind to wrap up the case. It scared me that I could barely recall the memories without a haze of fuzziness. I must have been so wrought with fiery emotion and exhaustion that everything around me had started to slip away as unimportant. The team must have brought me in here, they probably wanted to keep an eye on me and knew I wouldn’t want to go back to our apartment. Well, I guess it was just my apartment now. Yeah, the team was right to leave me here. If I even caught a glimpse of their belongings I was sure the rage would take over again.

My eyes immediately shifted over to the chair next to me that would usually be occupied by them. Tears once again filled my eyes, I had cried so much in the past few hours- or was it days? I had cried so much that I wasn’t sure how it was possible. My eyes felt raw, my nose felt raw, my skin felt raw, really my whole being felt raw from the abuse it had seen throughout this whole ordeal. I just wanted this to be over. I just wanted them back.

The fire hadn’t fully gone from me, and I wasn’t sure that it ever would. It flickered inside me, trying to force me into enacting vengeance on the man that had extinguished the person I cared about the most. But, the overwhelming feeling of desperation to see the person who mattered to me most had taken over to partially snuff out the flames into embers. I’d do whatever it takes, I just wanted them back.

—

All works:

@shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz

Spencer Reid/CM:

@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss

5 stages of grief:

@joonie-centric @tatesimper @half-blood-dork @mcntsee @illuxions-x @rainsong01 @nomajdetective @loveheathens

[navyhyuck]

week two | previous | masterlist | next

𝐒𝐈𝐆𝐍𝐄𝐃, 𝐉𝐀𝐘.

↳ a love letter a week, and it has you wondering who’s your secret admirer. you have nine weeks, eight candidates, and one story to live. will you find out who your ‘jay’ is?

a/n :: here’s part two my sexy friends, i’ll be starting to add a little warnings tag from now on because parts will start to get longer and may include some triggering topics!!

wc :: 2.9k (i’m sorry it’s getting longer and longer i know)

warnings: mentions of sex (kinda, not explicit), a singular mention of death, someone’s borderline a bully but not quite (they’re just mean)

taglist: @childofthecycle @the8luvr @staywrites @chocolattees @cloudzume @babytoadz @cherrystay @sandaigdigan-reads @hoes4hoseok @ctrlaltfangirl @kodzu-ken @xazucaradictax @qtieskz @blueprint-han

couldn’t tag: @x-dawna-x

let me know if you’d like to be added to the taglist!

You’re listening to Ryujin go on and on about Han Jisung at practically 6 a.m. (okay, it was around halfway to 8 o’clock, but her words were making you lose track of time), your head resting against the cool metal of the locker, almost wishing you were banging your head against it instead. As much as you knew your friend had a thing for the boy, you never thought you’d be stuck in the middle listening to her over analyzing everything that happened in English the day before. Sure, the precarious boy could be outstanding at pipetting in chemistry, but his social skills weren’t the best. Or at least, they weren’t the best with you.

“Anyway, I’ll shut up now, you look like you just watched The Conjuring and threw up on yourself.” She exclaims rather dryly, and you raise your head, glimpsing at the questioning look on her face. “By the way, that movie was shit. I’ll get to the point, then. I was gonna ask who you’re going to homecoming with.”

You scoff, rolling your eyes at both the comment on one of your favorite horror movies ever (that you’ve watched four times already, each time with the same girl who insists it’s not scary but ends up peeking past her fingers anyway) and homecoming. “Myself,” you reply, returning your head to its original position. “Do I look like the kind of person that would go to homecoming with a date? Really?”

“You went last year,” she points out, and you realize it’s true with a groan. It wasn’t your fault that you couldn’t refuse the captain of the basketball team when he proposed the idea in the middle of the cafeteria, halfway through the sixth period. Honestly, San wasn’t too bad anyway, he just wanted to have some fun with a girl that wasn’t following after him in the general sheep crowd; after the night was over, however, you swore to yourself that you would never come to a dance voluntarily wearing stilettos without one of your go-to friends. “And you liked it. Plus, I was thinking, we should all get dates this year! You know, since it’s our senior year and all. You won’t have another hoco to miss after this one.”

“Get dates? You’re acting like it’s buying takeout.” 

“It basically is,” she shrugs. “You go out, ask for something from someone, and they either give it to you or not. Though I’m not really sure if restaurants are allowed to refuse service.”

 “We could just all go as friends,” you suggest, finally opening up your locker. “As great as having some random dude as my date, no thanks. Like you said, it’s our last year. And hoco’s been fun since freshman year for us anyway, what’s the point of setting us up with dudes when we’re just gonna ditch them?”

“Who said I’m gonna ditch my date?”

“Me, I just did,” you deadpan, shuffling through your books to grab onto your chemistry lab book and stuffing it into your bag. “Remember sophomore year? Yeah, you might not want to remember it, but I do. Lee Daehwi?” She groans at the sound of the familiar name, making you chuckle.

“Okay, fair enough, but I’m not gonna ditch my date this time. Not if I get the one I want.” Ryujin smacks your arm to grab your attention, making you hiss before you see the knowing look on her face as she wiggles her eyebrows. You cross your arms in confusion, trying to scan and rescan her face for hints to what she was getting at, but when your mind finally clicks, you freeze. And then, your jaw drops. “Shut up.”

“I-I didn’t even say anything!”

“I know what you’re gonna say!” She points at you, shaking her finger before bringing it back down. “Look, like you said, it’s senior year. I don’t have a chance, really, not after this one. Either I ask him out for homecoming in the next week or I mope around for the rest of my life regretting not going to a high school dance with the hottest guy in school. Yeah, okay, I guess that kinda does sound a little pathetic.”

You consider it for a moment, imagining how awkward the interaction between Ryujin’s infamous crush and her would be; there would be a whole lot of tripping at the feet and ten times the amount of stuttering. Plus, you’re sure that the boy didn’t have the heart capacity to receive a request without passing out cold. He’s a little fragile after all. “You think Jisung’s the hottest guy in school?”

“Duh, who else do you think? That Hyunjin dude? Yeah, maybe, I saw him a few times in the past few days, but so what? People just get hyped over some guy whenever they come to the school and like four days later he’s no longer a cool transfer student and just ‘the guy next to me in calculus.’” You give her a look, one that you hope resembles something that conveyed the message of ‘you just brought up Hyunjin completely unprovoked’ but she doesn’t budge, her eyes trailed on her nails as she continues. “...and I’ll ask Jisung. Chaeryoung said she’s going with that other guy from your chem, whatever his name was, him. So then, it’s just you.”

You’re reminded suddenly of the letter that you pulled from your locker a few days earlier, the one that followed after the previous introduction and pleaded for you to attend the dance. Even if the letter had never arrived, you were planning on it anyway, but now, you had a purpose. “I don’t really want a date,” you say carefully, your eyes darting across the busy hallway before focusing on the blue of your best friend’s hair. “I mean, I don’t know, maybe, whatever. I don’t feel like stressing out about asking someone, so maybe if someone asks me, I'll be their date. But don’t count on it, alright?”

Ryujin narrows her eyes at you, as if searching for something underneath (something that wasn’t there, you’d like to point out, but she’s still looking intently) before humming. “Alright, sure.” She finishes abruptly, clearly wanting to add onto her sentence but refraining from doing so, making you raise an eyebrow at her shenanigans.

“Spit it out, c’mon, I know you have more to say.”

Your best friend gives you a deadly look but considers it, resting her back against the lockers before turning back to you. “Okay, this is just a thought, got it? Just something running through my head right now that I want to share.”

You cross your arms. “A thought? You? Thinking? Well, that’s no good.”

“Shut up and listen to me first,” she waves you off, shuffling closer until you can see the glimmer of her eyeshadow smudged on the side of her winged eyeliner. “Think about this. You, Y/N, a beautiful girl with absolutely no intention on going to homecoming with a date because of the lack of attraction towards snotty teenage boys, asking the Hwang Hyunjin, a transfer student that’s extremely good-looking and apparently affectionately kind who has no intention on going to homecoming with a date because of the lack of connection with beautiful girls, to homecoming.”

You blink twice, looking up at the ceiling as you quietly process her words. It’s a bit jumbled in your head, but once you think it’s clear enough, you look at her. “Ryujin. May I express my feelings about this ‘thought?’”

She scans you up and down, and then nods.

“It’s absolute bullshit.”

“Hey!”

“I hate my life,” you say to yourself as you swing open the door of your car, stepping out rather impatiently onto the asphalt. Having forgotten to grab your psychology notebook at the end of the day, you found yourself taking an unwanted U-turn back to the school to pick it up; in your defense, you would rather maintain your A in the class even if you had to stop by the gas station on your way back. Like you were told, a class requires commitment.

You march your way into the school once again, wondering why the school officials never thought to add any precautionary measures to the buildings. It makes you wonder if someone had ever snuck onto campus since you were a freshman. From the very deep memories of your sophomore year, you remember a junior at that time sneaking in one of his friends during finals week thinking he’d get away with it. Honestly, Juyeon was something else.

Just as you make your way to your locker, you quietly scroll through your phone distractedly before seeing a text pop up in your infamous group chat.

[3:05 p.m.] chaechaer: guess what guys!! :D

[3:05 p.m.] praying mantis: don’t wanna guess

[3:05 p.m.] hwangji: she’s finally getting dick 

[3:05 p.m.] chaechaer: i’ll fucking bite you yeji.

[3:06 p.m.] hwangji: bite me baby i wanna see you try

[3:06 p.m.] you: spill c’mon

[3:07 p.m.] praying mantis: y/n.

[3:07 p.m.] praying mantis: why are you at school right now

[3:07 p.m.] chaechaer: gasp

[3:07 p.m.] chaechaer: looks like i’m not the only one getting dick

[3:08 p.m.] you: oh fuck off, i came back bc i forgot something

[3:08 p.m.] you: wait did you just say ‘not the only one’

[3:09 p.m.] hwangji: so you ARE getting dick???

[3:09 p.m.] hwangji: spill mf, right now

[3:09 p.m.] you: ryujin, are you checking my snap location rn??? hello?? 

[3:10 p.m.] praying mantis: ofc i am, i’m your guardian angel :)

[3:10 p.m.] you: you’re a stalker

[3:10 p.m.] praying mantis: but whose dick are you getting? that’s the real question 

You roll your eyes as hard as you can, hoping that your best friend would know even from a distance. Just as you continue to tap furiously into the glass of your phone, you’re suddenly hit by your left shoulder, sending you flying down to the ground in an instant. “Shit,” you whisper under your breath, brushing your hair out of your eyes well enough to look up and see that the hard object you just ran into wasn’t a wall. In fact, it was a human.

“Watch where you’re going,” the boy snaps at you, rather loudly in fact, making you flinch as you slowly stand up, gathering your phone. “This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t on your phone. Who walks in a hallway with their head down like that? Do you want to die?”

It takes you a minute to realize who’s actually standing in front of you, and it’s only when you’ve managed to gulp down his harsh words. Seo Changbin. He looks at you from head to toe, the scowl still evident on his face when your eyes widen. Suddenly, you’re a little more aware of yourself, shifting uncomfortably in his gaze as he doesn’t move. 

“Well?” He crosses his arms across his chest, now approaching you. “I don’t hear an apology.”

You instinctively back away, avoiding the boy’s eyes before you’re looking right back into them. If you weren’t mistaken, there was no one in front of you until there was, and there was no way that you could’ve ran into someone without noticing their presence earlier. Scoffing, you mimic his posture, looking behind him to see if you’re right about your assumption. In fact, you are, seeing the door of the locker room staring right back at you. “Me? Shouldn’t you be watching where you’re going?”

Changbin looks taken aback by your retaliation, somehow making his forehead lines fall into a straight line. “Don’t talk back to me, bitch.”

“Bitch?” You want to laugh, but instead, you press a smile down. “Seriously? Who do you think you are?”

You’re honestly appalled at the way the admired swimmer is acting towards you, but you’re not surprised. You would be lying if you didn’t say you weren’t in the faintest surprised. The entire team could act like a handful of bullies that didn’t have any other free time on their hands, if you looked into it more. Changbin seems to be dissatisfied with your answer, closing in on you as your back presses against the wall. 

“What did you say to me?” 

You’re about to respond with an equally harsh answer but there’s a sudden call of Changbin’s name from the end of the hallway, making the both of you turn your heads. Yet another swimming team member comes jogging your way, sporting a school branded shirt that tells you exactly what he’s part of. The boy stops a few feet away from the two of you, a large smile spreading across his face as he looks from Changbin to you. You scratch your head. Is Bang Chan currently standing in front of you? Or was it just a figment of your imagination?

“Hi! What’s your name?” He asks, coming closer before glancing over at Changbin and stopping. “W-What? Wait, what? What did you do to her?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Changbin defends immediately, making you raise an eyebrow as he holds up his palms. “I didn’t! Nothing happened, Chan. It’s all good. Let’s just go now.”

Chan doesn’t budge when he grabs onto his arm, tugging to pull him away, but he instead focuses his attention on you. His smile persists. “Hi sweetheart, judging from the look on your face, he did do something, right?”

You’re taken aback at his soft voice, a complete contrast from what you just heard from the other boy. Pursing your lips, you try not to let your cheeks flame up. Sweetheart? “It’s nothing—he just ran into me and tried to pin the whole thing on me—it’s all good, really. I’m fine, I didn’t get hurt. So…”

“You didn’t get hurt? But he ran into you?” Chan shoots Changbin a sharp look, one that looks much darker than the gaze he returns to you. “Are you okay? It might’ve been a hard fall. I can take you to the nurse’s office, if you’d like?”

“N-No, it’s fine!” You shake your hands in refusal, an awkward chuckle leaving your lips. Chan only laughs brightly in response, his entire face somehow appearing ten times more charming than before. You notice with another fleeting glimpse that there are dimples that crease into his skin as he smiles, now making your heart do an unidentifiable leap inside your chest. “Um, okay, I actually have to go now! I’ll, uh, yeah! Bye!”

You turn in your heel, trying to walk at a casual but extremely quick pace at the same time, which proves to be difficult. Just as you’re about to turn at the corner, there’s a shout from down the hall.

“Hey!” Peaking your head back, you see Chan waving his hand at you. “What’s your name?!”

“Y/N!”

“Nice to meet you Y/N! I hope to see you around!”

Gulping, you lean back against one of the lockers near yours, placing a hand over your chest as you finally notice the thumping. You take a deep breath, shaking your head a few times to get the entire situation out of your head; it doesn’t work, not with your brain taking you back to that exact moment once again. You just spoke to one, no, scratch that, two extremely talented swimming players with your own two eyes. And perhaps the rapid beating of your heart wasn’t just because one of them was being nice to you. But you wouldn’t admit that now, would you?

dear y/n love,

hi hi! i’ve missed talking to you (yes, i know, there’s no way you can respond to me, but anyway), but this letter will be unfortunately short today. please don’t think too much of it! my class is about to end, haha.

i saw you at one of the swimming meets a few days ago, and oh my god, i really couldn’t take my eyes off of you. i don’t know if anyone has ever told you, y/n, but you are so beautiful. i remember what you were wearing; was it...a black shirt? and jeans, oh yes. your sense of style is so simple yet somehow so perfect. i couldn’t even take my eyes off of you, oh god, i remember all my friends yelling at me to pay attention but all i was doing was staring at you. sounds like a problem, huh? but i enjoy it. shit, this sounds kinda creepy again, doesn’t it? i’m so sorry, love, that’s not what i was going for. i just...really admire you. a lot.

also, the homecoming game is this weekend! i hope you end up going, you can even go with your friend! the blue-haired one, yeah, ryujin, i think. that’s her name, right? oh god, you probably think i’m even weirder now that i just told you that i know your friend. fuck. anyway. 

once again, i hope to see you there! there’s something waiting for you there and i want to be able to surprise you, even if i don’t want to reveal my identity just yet. see you soon, love.

signed, jay

[yourdailykitsch]

No question, Just to say so sorry about your family member passing away. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I know how that feels, my husband passed away July 6. Glad the gas leak got fixed. And, congrats on the new kitten.

Thank you all for the kind messages. Just a rule of thumb that all of us will go through some downs in our life and these past few months have been pretty rough. It’s been a tough year but I hope that the holidays bring some joy to all of you, even if they’re paired down or not the usual. Going to try to get back into the swing of things with Taylor updates. Though he’s very quiet lately as well. 

Ask #2: Is Taylor single?

Not that I know of. He’s dated someone for a long time and though this year it’s hard to keep track of Taylor let alone his relationship, given their history, I have no reason to believe that they’re not still dating. If I learned something different I’d let you all know.

Ask #3: Did Jessica white & taylor kitsch date ? Or was it just a photoshoot?

Answer: I do not believe they’ve ever dated. I’ll quote my answer from another ask about this: “You know, I don’t really know where that rumor got started as far as them dating. I’ve been a Taylor fan since FNL started and I don’t really remember it ever even being a rumor that they dated. It just showed up on that “who dated who” site and was just stated as fact. I actually don’t think it’s true. I think it started based on that photo shoot they did together for GQ but there was never any evidence that they were a thing. No sightings, no mentions of them together, he never talked about her she never talked about him. The timeline doesn’t match up either. He was with Minka Kelly for much of 2006 into 2007 which is when he was supposedly dating Jessica.”

But they did make a gorgeous couple in this shoot

Ask #4: Hello. Is this still a good address to request an autograph from Taylor? Untitled Entertainment 350 S Beverly Dr?

Answer: You can try this address. I know I’ve given it in the past and is the address for his manager. He has a new management group that is representing him, his agent has moved to this agency and it’s Range Media. But they’re very new and I don’t know if they have any information out there yet about their location.

Ask #5: Is taylor working on anything? He seems not to work alot compared to alot of other actors,which is a shame. I know its covid now but he still doesnt work alot. Does he doing anything else other than act apart from his acc charity?

Answer: I do not believe he’s working on anything. I think that this year has created it’s own set of challenges. He has committed to a project which has been delayed due to COVID. Because it’s technically an independent film it’s running into some issues with starting production because of cost for the insurance that they will need to carry in order to film with COVID restrictions/protocols. It also doesn’t help that the state they’re supposed to film in (New Mexico) is one of the tougher states on restrictions. 

As far as him not working more. We know he’s super picky about what he chooses to devote his time to and what he chooses to dive into because he does truly dive into these projects...it does seem like he’s really taken to photography and has spent a period during this year traveling to remote locations to photograph nature/animals. 

Ask #6: It’s weird that there are no details as to why Taylor dropped out of Wash Me In The River. I would find it hard to believe that it’s got to do with pay. But if it’s scheduling conflicts I wonder what he’s shooting? Maybe Shadowplay Chapter 2? Or Inferno or something else? Just kinda strange that he has now also dropped out.

Answer: Easy answer would be scheduling conflict. He was signed on for literally two weeks before dropping out. So it wouldn���t shock me that we hear he’s doing something new or Inferno is going or he is in the second chapter of Shadowplay. ‘Wash Me in the River’ still hasn’t begun filming, so say it starts by early December and would take at least four weeks...maybe he has something coming up next month or early 2021 that he’s committed to. Maybe it’s something we know about, maybe it’s something completely different. 

Ask #7: Do you think Taylor will be spending the holidays here or in Canada? Restrictions are still on but as a citizen he can enter

Answer: I really don’t know. My guess is he’ll stay in Texas because Canada has a 14 day quarantine requirement. So say he wants to go home for the holidays he’d have to leave two weeks prior to Christmas and quarantine those 14 days before he can be out and about and see family. If he’s following the rules...who knows if he has time to do something like that or if he’d want to travel if he does have work coming up that he needs to be healthy for. 

Ask #8: I hate the fact that I found out about Taylor during covid. I wish I knew about him earlier in his career so I could keep up with him during the years.

Answer: Taylor has always been really super private, so even during his busy years the most we see of him is usually when he’s out promoting projects. We saw a glimpse into his life and more about him when he started using Instagram a few years ago but he’s really really slowed down with that, understandably. Hang in there, I think he’ll bounce back. 

Ask #9: Was Neil with Taylor during the 21 bridges press tour? Since that was around the time he had his baby? Also do you think he’d be with him for when he films Wash Me in the River?

Answer: Taylor was solo, but did have his manager Stephanie with him for 21 Bridges press. Normally he’d have Neil with him or his friend Kevin as kind of his PA during press tours and just to hang out with. I don’t now if Neil will continue to be Taylor’s PA on set now that he has started a family. We’ll have to wait and see.

Ask #10: I feel like i always see the fandom say things like he needs to work more, he’s getting older, projects he does aren’t up to standard blah blah blah. But we do know that he does offered the bigger roles but he doesn’t enjoy those stories, and he def doesn’t like the press tour and the spotlight as much as the work itself. I think people fail to realize that he is carefully picking and choosing roles, and he could do a RomCom but chooses not to. He likes his privacy and people fail to understand.

Answer: I think you hit the nail on the head. A lot of fans want him to be A-list and crazy popular and on magazine covers. That’s just not in his DNA. He has, without specifically naming projects, admitted to turning down some really big roles that were more mainstream. I think part of it might have been that he went this route in 2012, did some really big budget/mainstream tentpole projects and they failed by no fault of his own. He might still to this day shy away from something like that again. I think he’s completely comfortable with being a character actor. 

Ask #11: Has Taylor ever lived with Jennifer? Even back when he was in the apartment or condo?

Answer: Yes, I do believe that they lived together in his condo at some point. She also sold his condo a few years back when he moved into his new house. 

[animebw]

Last Exile: Series Reflection

Sometimes, I wonder how anime survived the early 2000s. In the space between when Cardcaptor Sakura ended in 2000 and huge smash hits like Death Note and Haruhi Suzumiya ushered in the golden age of 2006, the anime landscape was almost completely barren of good, high-quality shows and films. Former champions like Gainax were going into debt-ridden tailspins, everyone was struggling to make the jump from cell animation to digital, the effects of the 90s market crash were settling in for the long haul, and the first wave of genuinely interesting, thoughtful shows inspired by Evangelion had given way to half-baked, bargain-bin imitators that mistook obtuse plotting and edgy misery porn for depth and meaning. So few anime from this time period made any sort of impact, and fewer still have stood the test of time. Were it not for the rare masterpiece like Wolf’s Rain or Mushishi (and the rise of the shonen big 3, I suppose), this entire five-year period would pretty much be a bust. I could probably count on both hands the anime from this period I’ve seen that are worth checking out. And far more often, I’ll come across an anime from this period that starts off promising and exciting, only to eventually buckle under the weight of all the same issues so many of its contemporaries share.

As you’ve probably surmised from my previous analysis, Last Exile is sadly one of those shows. It starts out with so much promise, detailing a richly realized steampunk world where every worldbuilding and environmental detail feels like it’s telling part of the story. It hooks you on the promise of exciting adventure soaring through the skies, of characters like Lavie with strong, lovable personalities you can get behind, of themes exploring the corruption of power and the unequal distribution of war’s atrocities among a society. It’s exciting, it’s fresh, and it’s thoughtfully constructed in a way that makes even the smallest details seem to matter. Even studio Gonzo’s usual awkward integration of early 2000s CG is handled better than usual, giving the aerial combat a real sense of majesty and momentum. All the pieces were in place for this show to be something worth remembering. And then, little by little, its charms sputtered out like matches in the rain, until I could barely remember the joys that drew me to it in the first place.

I wish I could point to one specific thing that explains why this show fell apart, but it’s not really one individual issue that dooms Last Exile. It’s the entirety of what once made it good falling by the wayside, everything that used to be so carefully considered eventually given up on with a half-hearted shrug. The lived-in environmental detail gives way to confusing, unexplained magic anime bullshit. The promise of lively characters is kneecapped when Lavie is unceremoniously shoved into the background for the show’s second half, leaving nothing but astonishingly bad love triangle bullshit in her absence. The strong themes that made an emotional connection with me never quite slow down and sputter to a stop  before reaching a satisfying conclusion. The wonder and whimsy of this high-flying world is eventually buried under episode after episode of dull, lifeless animation and aesthetics. And over time, it gradually sunk in that the life leaking out of this show with every passing moment was never coming back, that it was just going to keep deflating like a balloon until there was no air left. Not dramatically shooting itself in the foot and going up in a spectacular trainwreck, but slowing down like an engine running out of gas before finally stopping in the middle of the tracks, unable to muster up the energy to keep moving forward.

This one hurts, because I really wanted to like Last Exile. The strengths of its first half, the excitement of coming into this show and being swept away, stayed with me long enough for me to forge a real connection with it. But once it started losing steam, it never recovered, and a show I was genuinely enjoying eventually became a show I couldn’t care less about. And for that crushing disappointment, I give Last Exile a score of:

5/10

Man, that makes me sad. On the bright side, though? We’ve finally reached the last leftover show from my summer of suggestions! We’re almost free to move on to other things! HUZZAH! Thank you for joining me on this ride, folks. If you’ve enjoyed my analysis and want more of me, be sure to ask for an invite to my Discord where you can hang out and chat about the shows I’m watching with me and fellow anime fans! And I hope you’ll stick around for the show that will take its place:

Problem Children are Coming from Another World, Aren’t They?

Now there’s a light novel title if I’ve ever heard one. See you next time for the start of a new adventure!

[the-real-fandom-person]

WangXian, As Told By My Music Library

All tracks are songs from my own personal music library that I listen to on the regular. Some would fit right into a period c-drama, some are heartfelt scifi rock tracks that nonetheless scream ‘WangXian’ to me.

For simplicity’s sake, here’s a YouTube link to the playlist containing all of these.

A New Hope - Broken Iris

Spent a lifetime of holding on

Just to let go

I guess I’ll spend another lifetime

Searching for a new hope.

Almost (Sweet Music) - Hozier

I wouldn't know where to start 

Sweet music playing in the dark 

Be still, my foolish heart 

Don't ruin this on me

Anywhere - Evanescence

Forget this life, come with me

Don’t look back, you’re safe now

Unlock your heart, drop your guard

No one’s left to stop you

Bedroom Hymns - Florence and the Machine

This is as good a place to fall as any, we'll build our altar here[...]

Sweating out confessions, the undone and the divine

'Cause this is his body, this is his blood

Such selfish prayers, and I can't get enough

Mother Tongue - Bring Me The Horizon

So don't say you love me "Fala amo"

Just let your heart speak up, and I'll know

No amount of words could ever find a way to make sense of this

So I wanna hear your mother tongue

Clarity - Zedd

Hold still right before we crash, 'cause we both know how this ends

Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass, and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need,

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

Cosmic Love - Florence and the Machine

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too

So I stayed in the darkness with you

Cupid - Hurts

Say a little prayer for me

Cupid shoot your arrows into me

I feel lust like a sick disease

And my blood ignites when I hold you close to me

Dark In My Imagination - Of Verona

There's something in the look you give

I can't help myself I fall, I can't help myself at all

There's something in your touch when we kiss

I scream god forgive me please, ‘cause I want you on your knees

Dissolve - Absofacto

You held me but I’m volatile, and never got my head screwed on

Now I’m melting through the floor[...]

All in white like you’re an angel, with the sun glimmering off your gas mask

This isn’t what I signed up for

Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran

Girl, you know I want your love, your love was handmade for somebody like me

Come on now, follow my lead, I may be crazy, don't mind me

Say, boy, let's not talk too much, grab on my waist and put that body on me

Come on now, follow my lead, come, come on now, follow my lead

Give Unto Me - Evanescence

Give into me your trouble, I'll endure your suffering

Place onto me your burden, I'll drink your deadly poison

Fear not the flame of my love's candle, let it be the sun in your world of darkness

Every Breath You Take - The Police

Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace

I dream at night, I can only see your face

I look around but it's you I can't replace

I feel so cold and I long for your embrace

Everything - Lifehouse

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose, you're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you?

Forevermore - Broken Iris

Here we lie side by side, now your heart pounds next to mine

Our two souls are surely whole now that I have realized

It's the way your body sways, it's your voice that calls my name

It's your lips, the way they taste and how you look at me, and show me beautiful

Good Enough - Evanescence

Under your spell again, I can't say no to you

Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand, I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely, now I can't let go of this dream

Can't believe that I feel good enough, I feel good enough

Hanging By A Moment - Lifehouse

Desperate for changing, starving for truth

I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you I'm falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Heartlines - Florence and the Machine

On the sea, on the sea and land over land, creeping and crawling like the sea over sand

Still I follow heartlines on your hand

This fantasy, this fallacy, this tumbling stone, echoes of a city that's long overgrown

Your heart is the only place that I call home, can I be returned?

Mile Deep Hollow - IAMX

No more hesitation, nothing will ever divide us again

No more energy wasted on the temper of our time, just the truth and the sublime

So thank you, you need to know, that you dragged me out of a mile deep hollow

And I love you, you brought me home, 'cause you dragged me out of a mile deep hollow

If My Heart Was A House - Owl City

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth, if my heart was a compass you'd be North

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

In Your Hands - Nichole Alden

Keep me own me

Break me slowly

Whatever you want from me I'll give to you I'm in your hands

It Will Come Back - Hozier

Don't let it in with with no intention to keep it

Jesus Christ, don't be kind to it

Honey don't feed me, I will come back

I Won’t Give Up - Jason Mraz

Well, I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

Feral Hearts - Kerli

You are the vision I'm looking for, make me remember all I forgot

Watch me become just an animal, naked to nothing more than who we are

Feral Hearts in the night, loving like we've been kept captive, free to light

Feral Hearts come alive, loving like we've been kept captive, free to...

You And Me - Lifehouse

'Cause it's you and me, and all of the people

With nothing to do, nothing to lose

And it's you and me, and all of the people and I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes off of you

Like Real People Do - Hozier

I had a thought, dear, however scary

About that night, the bugs and the dirt

Why were you digging? What did you bury

Before those hands pulled me from the earth?

Can’t Help Falling In Love - Pentatonix cover (original by Elvis Presley)

Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you

Save Me - Muse

Turn me into someone like you

Find a place that we can go to

Run away and take me with you

Don't let go I need your rescue

Die For You - Starset

Even if the sky does fall, even if they take it all

There's no pain that I won't go through, even if I have to die for you

And when all the fires burn, when everything is overturning

There's nothing that I won't go through, even if I have to die for you

Echo - Starset

I was only in my mind, you were on the outside waiting

I could feel you all the time, your voice could save me

Now all these Sirens sing for me, but I just wanna hear your melody

I call and I can hear you sing, but oh, it's only my echo

Everglow - Starset

Everglow, you'll never know the beauty I see when you open your shadows

Everglow, they'll never know the worlds that I see in the darkness you don't show

Come, I'll show every ghost in me, take my pain into you...

Gravity Of You - Starset

Riding the horizon, falling into you

Feel the vessel tighten, I feel you pull me through

A new world is breaking, your heart unveiling

Breaking into pieces in the gravity of you

Last To Fall - Starset

And the world is cold, but it's beautiful

I wish you were here now, I miss your soul

But you lost your light when the darkness called

But I stand here waiting, the last to fall

Ricochet - Starset

All these broken souls, they never make me whole

They don't, they don't know my heart, they don't know my heart

All these broken souls, each one more beautiful

They don't, they don't know my heart, they don't know my heart

I'll send out my soul to worlds more beautiful

But they won't, they won't know my heart, it's the darkest part

Satellite - Starset

Far across the emptiness I walk the night

And search the silence in the dark you left behind

I seek the stars above the world to be the guides

But they all pale against the light in your eyes

Starlight - Starset

I don't know what to say, but I'm going to want you till the stars evaporate

We're only here for just a moment in the light, one day it shines for us the next we're in the night

So say the word and I'll be running back to find you, a thousand armies won't stop me I'll break through

I'll soar the endless skies for only one sight of your starlight

Halo - Starset

Send out the signal and I'll fly low

If it means the death of me, I won't let go

And if I'm lost in the world’s shadows

I'll use the light that comes to me from your halo

The Lover - Alesana

Is it her, could it be, should my eyes believe what they see?

If you are who I think you are, I might lose my mind[...]

Dead girls don't just appear out of thin air

But I am victim to her sinister stare

Where You Belong - The Weeknd

I'm in control, when you give me your body, yeah

I feel our souls burnin' up when I'm inside of you and I

And I'ma leave a mark, just to remind you

Where you belong, baby, give me your all, scream as loud as you want

Lost In You - Three Days Grace

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you

Let me inside, let me get close to you

Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask

I want to exorcise the demons from your past

I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

[wintaer-bear]

goldilocks and the three bears of truth

jimin’s in love with you, but like... not that in love with you. or conversely, men that have all the audacity but none of the emotional intelligence!

“No, no, no. Please don’t do that,” Taehyung hushes as he brings his more than big enough hands to your cheeks. You raise your gaze to meet his and his heart hits the floor. He knew you were upset, that much was obvious, what with you throwing the entire contents of the buffet table at him and ruining his Versace tux. He knew you were upset - that was fair. But never did it dawn on him that you were going to cry! It wasn’t fair that you were so pretty when he was trying to break up with you. “Please don’t cry.”

His words mean nothing... all men do is lie and you cry anyway, unmatched foundation leaving tear tracks down your face.

“Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?” You’ve never put on make up before, let alone own a bottle of Fenty, but you were too shy to ask the MUA at Sephora if they had some more opened samples in the back because like hell were you going to pay $35 for the entire bottle. You were desperate that much was true, what with Taehyung springing on prom at the last minute because turns out he was grounded but not like grounded grounded, but you were too smart to be both broke and desperate. You just picked the sample shade one lighter and hoped no one would notice. How were you supposed to know to blend all the way down to the neck? And what was it the mean girls said? Something about flashback?

"Why did you ask me to prom if you didn’t actually want me to come with you? Better yet, why did you ask me to be your girlfriend? You’re mean Taehyung! Just like the rest of your piss for brain friends. Mean!” You’re tearing off your own gas station corsage and slinging it at him. You wish it made you feel better, but it doesn’t. You just wanted him to hurt like you were hurting.

You should have known better. Should have seen it coming. Taehyung was everything your dad told you stay away from. He was head of the art club and missed homeroom too often, but he never got in trouble for it because, we’ll he could smile he way through anything. Your guarded heart included. He literally, got along with everyone, was nice to everyone. You just happened to sit next to him one day.

“__,” he says weakly, picking up the half torn flowers from the pavement. “I... It’s not like that. I didn’t ask -” 

The boy in the shiny sequin dress jacket stops himself because while he knew he was a class A jerk, he wasn’t going to kick someone while they were down. Taehyung wasn’t about to dig himself a deeper grave with the sheriff’s daughter by telling you that he didn’t actually ask you to prom... he had just briefly mentioned that his parents hadn’t grounded for selling the entire contents of their wine cellar when they found out all the proceeds were going towards the  Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. 

“Save it,” you say sniffling and grabbing the what’s left of the corsage from his hands and ripping what feels like your entire heart into pieces, what’s left of it anyway. “I don’t care. Jimin was right. You are a Gemini.”

“I don’t know what that means” he says with vehemence, “but I’ve never been to the gym in my entire life and Jimin’s an asshole so -” 

"He's my best friend." You deadpan and cross you arms around your chest. He could break your heart but you wouldn't give him the power to break your carefully forged friendship with Jimin.

"And obviously in love with you so take everything he says about with me a grain a salt."

“Yeah, and you’re a Black Moon Lilith in Gemini and that alone trumps all your good traits. You’re basically 90% fickle with a dash of cunning, but I didn’t know cunning was just the elongated word of cunt.” You emphasize the last words, mostly because you’re hurt, but also because you’re angry and you’re not sure when you’ll get another chance to tell Kim Taehyung off again. “I mean... do you even like me? You  haven’t even done as much as hold my hand since you’ve asked me out.”

“I just asked you out on Monday!”

“Oh come on, Taehyung,” you drag, angry and finding all the hurtful words in your vocabulary. “It’s not like you’re shy! I’ve seen your tongue down so many girls throats you’d think its the cure to lung cancer.” 

“That’s different,” he winces. “And not fair.”

“Not fair?” You repeat, suddenly realizing this was all going in circles. You’ve liked Taehyung for the better of...like, forever. He was so perfect. Almost. He gets the endings of movies wrong and forgets his car keys too often, but Taehyung had a nice smile and ate all his veggies, was a little weird when it came to public speaking but who isn’t? Taehyung was every girl’s dream and... and avoided you like the plague up until you grew tits your senior year because no one wants to bone the sheriff’s daughter. 

No, you were never invited to keg parties or homecomings. Not even your own best gal pals like to hang out with you in broad day light. You had to learn the status quo on your own so shave an eagle and call it bald, you about had a conniption when Taehyung sat down next to you in AP Bio. 

“I like your hair clips,” he said causally. At this point, you weren't even sure he knew you existed. He sits and sports that grin you’ve been familiar with since grade school. The “I’m not in trouble you are” look. “They match your scrunchie.”

And by the end of the period you wonder how it escalated so quickly. Taehyung turned from being your lab mate to your soulmate in less than 90 minutes and you weren’t even mad about it. He was comfortable, he was warm and it was so easy to smile in front of him.

“Not fair?” You say again. “Mules are doomed to be both the genesis and the doom of their hybrid lineage because they're born sterile. That's unfair. No Taehyung this," you point back and forth between the three feet of air between you two "isn't unfair. This is the result of you doing what you do best and acting on a whim instead of examining if there’s going to be repercussions or if you'll hurt someone along the way. I was fine on my own! I had a plan and if you weren't going to be part of it, the least you could of done was to stay out of my way." You run out of air and you hate it because it gives him exactly one second to come back with a counter argument.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

And you believe him. Because Taehyung wouldn't be dumb enough to ask you to prom on purpose or mean enough to invite you just to overhear him talking about breaking up with you because "you were just too much."

"No one ever means to hurt anyone, Taehyung. Doesn't make the hurt any less," you breathe. You want to hurt him too. Why does he get to walk away unscathed? "Or the perpetrator any less guilty. You're a bad guy Taehyung,” you bite you lower lip to refrain from crying, but it comes out in sobs anyway. “And I hope someone breaks your heart."

You break away and immediately feel the lost of warmth. You didn't realize how close he was to you until he wasn't.

"You okay?" Jimin asks as you slam his passenger door shut. You don’t know how he knew to come get you. You had expected him to be on the other side of town doing God knows what at this hour, but somehow Jimin always knew. 

He leaves the car in park and turns to you when you don't immediately respond.

"I’m fine," you say, going to turn on the radio. He immediately switches it off. 

"Like just bombed your math test but your 6.0 GPA is still salvageable fine or ___ circa second grade with a blister on her hand doing the monkey bars fine?"

"For the the last time I beat you fair and square but I see you’re still eating my dust a decade later with that tone Park."

"Also for the last time. I let you win because you cried when the blister popped on bar three. I practically carried you on my back the rest of the way."

"Did not."

"I still have the scar on forehead where you stepped on me." He pulls back his hair and shoves said forehead in your face. 

"The floor was lava." You shrug.

“Yeah, so is Kim Taehyung, but we’re not ready to talk about that are we?”

It wasn’t a secret that Jimin wasn’t fond of Taehyung. They just ran with different crowds. Always have. Where as Taehyung was president of the art club and volunteering at parks and recreations, Jimin was deciding whether or not to smoke the last ounce of weed he had in his back pocket or to sell it for profit so he could buy a an extra dessert for lunch tomorrow.

“Just as ready as you are to talk about the court summoning I found in hidden in your glove compartment.” 

Jimin sends you a look and if you didn’t know him for the last decade, you’d miss the sliver of shock written on his otherwise impenetrable and cocky face. Jimin gives a low whistle. 

“You could have just said no, but I see I don’t need to worry. 2021 Bitchy ___ is here to put up the walls and save the day. No need for niceties then,” he pins you with a look as he turns the ignition and does that thing boys do where they reverse the car all passively aggressively and hot. “I fucking told you so. I told you Taehyung was out for one thing and one thing only. He’s nothing but a player and -”

“I do not put up walls!” You interrupt and it catches Jimin off guard, he was ready for his Taehyung hating dissertation, to be the best friend you needed and to talk shit about your ex. Jimin was already in the drive thru line to order one of everything off the dollar menu. He was not, however, prepared for whatever the hell this was. 

You’re crying, uncontrollably so, and rubbing your eyes with your palms in his seat. It’s ruining your make up but Jimin has never seen you any more beautiful. He’s never seen you so vulnerable as you hiccup to keep the sadness from escaping your very breath.

“And I’m not bitchy. I’m not sorry I don’t have mommy issues and feel the need to please everyone in her absence. I’m especially not sorry that I’m way too smart to get conned into losing my virginity because I think I’m in love. I’m not. But why can’t I be? Hmm?” And Jimin thinks it’s question for him before you continue.

“Why can’t Taehyung come to me if he’s got a problem with me? If he thought I was,” you air quote, “too much,” end air quote, “then why hang out with me?” You turn you back against the window so you can face Jimin head on, and Jimin wonders why the line is so backed up tonight of all nights. “Why even talk to me in the first place? What? Was I not what he was expecting? Am I too opinionated? Too loud? Too... god, I don’t know? Myself?”

"What?” Jimin says flabbergasted, and takes his yes off the car halted in from of him to make sure he’s hearing this right. Jimin can’t say you were the type run on emotions, but you have also never had a chance to react to such... turbulence. You’ve always been so reserved and in control, a defense mechanism he’s sure you’ve developed over time as the black sheep of the town. He knew you were dumb but he didn’t know you were dumb enough to think it was your fault that Kim Taehyung didn’t like you. 

“Tell me the truth Jimin,” you deadpan. “Am I...,” and you struggle to get out the last part without crying. “Too much?”

“Yes,” he thinks. Completely, utterly, and without a doubt, you were too much. 

You were too good for Taehyung. And too kind. And too pretty. In the winters, you were too warm and your cookies were too soft, your shampoo smelled too clean. You were too good at Catan... and you were...god... too perfect.

Jimin didn’t mean to fall in love with you. Just like he didn’t mean to kiss you the way he is now. Desperately and fervently, like it’s his first time kissing to put someone’s clothes on instead of off. But he doesn’t know how else to stop your thoughts from wandering. He doesn’t know how else to bring you back to the light where you belong. He didn’t want to see you cry. Jimin didn’t like it when you were hurt. But he especially didn’t like that you thought any less of yourself because of a boy.

Jimin takes it upon himself when you don’t immediately pull away and he wishes he would have just taken you home because now his plans were ruined.

There was a plan. Jimin had a plan. 

You were going to go away to college and he was going to get a trade job. You’d come back to visit your dad for the holidays and Jimin would by default pick you up from the airport. He was a patient man. He had it all planned out. The two of you would skip the petty fights that came with individuals growing together and out pacing one another. It was easier that way. The two of you would just meet each other at the end. Jimin wasn’t willing to risk losing you in finding himself in these next few years.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Jimin didn’t want to rush it. He didn’t want to spook you with how much he wanted this, wanted you. Jimin knew. Whether it be ten years from now or several heartbreaks later, Jimin knew he’d accept you any way you came to him. But never in a 100 years he think you’d come like this. Broken and inconsolable in tears. 

“I -” he starts to lie. “I’m high.” 

“Men,” you scoff. “Men have all the audacity but none of the emotional intelligence. Jimin, your court summon is for a urine analysis so you really expect me to believe you’d shoot up and get high right before they’re about to break that beeper on your ankle? Even I know you’re not that desperate for a fix.”

He wishes you were right. You were the hardest drug he’s had and he’s wished he just stay clean because it physically hurt him to see how intangible you are right now. Even in your elaborate scheme to get another man to fall in love with you tonight, Jimin couldn’t help but want you more. You were exactly who you needed to be and he wanted nothing more than to protect that.

“I’ll ask you one more time,” you say with patience you’ve all but scraped up off the floor. “Jimin, do. you. like. me? Like, like like me?”

It wouldn’t be lie if he said no. He doesn’t just like you. Jimin is dumbfoundedly in love with you. He’s so deep in your pussy-sand without actually being in your pants that he wouldn’t know his left from his right.

Jimin debates with himself whether it’s worth the physical distance that awaits him if he denies you or if it’s worth the psychological and emotional damage that will come in confirming your suspicion. You were too good for him, that much was evident, but how was he going to make you believe that?

“___, I-”

“Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?”

“Yeah, I’d like a large order of FACTS please,” you spit out. 

“Sure, a order or fries. What else can I do for you?”

“Maybe a double quarter pounder with a side of truth?”

“I’m sorry, did you say juice?”

You don’t mean to take it out on the employee behind the window. She was just at the wrong place at the wrong time when then you realize it’s HER workplace and perhaps you’re making it awkward but you were so hurt, and so confused, and you needed someone to take it out on and Jimin wasn’t helping, what with wallowing in his silence.

“$6.78 at the window.”

Jimin doesn’t know how to fix it. The entire drive back to your house and he can’t come up with the right words to say. He fucked up and he’s so so so scared to lose you. 

[unadulteratedfandomtrash]

Kim Seokjin x Reader ~ The Big Secret  [Part 1]

[My BTS Masterlist]

A/N: My apologies for not posting for such an extended period of time. I have been busy with work, school, and other things in my life. I know I need to finish my Loki series, but I decided to post this fan fiction story for the time being; I need some more time to perfect the last chapter for “Rest Assured.” Please understand that while I do have the general outline for the events that’ll take place in the last chapter, I am having difficulty writing out the words to correspond with my ideas. Thank you for your patience.

Also, please note that this story is not trying to insinuate that any of the members would/do act like they do in my writing; this is all fictional and coming from my imagination. Also, this story does not strictly follow the timeline or realistic details.

Ages:

Reader- February 9, 1993 (26)

Older than Yoongi, but younger than Jin

Jin- 1992 (26)

Word Count: 2406

“YEESSSSSS,” Taehyung exclaims as he collapses onto the floor, thoroughly exhausted after a long night of practice.  “I just want to sleep now.”

With the group’s newest music video waiting to be filmed, all the members have been working hard the past three days to memorize and perfect the dance routine choreographed for their new title track. Since Hoseok is the fastest learner amongst the others, he has been supervising their late-night practices while providing constant feedback on their performance, leaving every man in the room utterly tired.

“Get off the floor! Do you want to invite all the germs into your body?!”

Instead of listening to the eldest member, who is screeching in horror as two more of the group’s youngest drop down onto the hardwood floor, Taehyung rolls away from his friends to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of their body heat emanating from the close proximity.

“C’mon, guys. Let’s pack up all our stuff so we can go back to the dorm for a nice, cold shower and order some dinner.” Namjoon gently nudges the younger members with his foot, bargaining with them in order to speed up the process. “Whoever gets up first, I’ll pay for their food.”

Jungkook immediately shoots up from the ground and darts over to the rapper, his eyes wide with excitement. In hindsight, Namjoon should have realized the maknae would never turn down the opportunity to receive free food from his hyungs, but seeing Jungkook light up at the mere mentioning of a meal leaves the rapper smiling.

“I assume you want lamb skewers, Jungkookie?”

“Yes, please!”

“Hyung, that’s not fair,” Taehyung and Jimin cry out in unison, rushing over to where Namjoon is standing with their bottom lips jutting out in a pouting manner.

“Well, if you wanted to win, you should’ve gotten up faster. Let’s go, guys. It’s late. Maybe, if you ask nicely, Jungkook will share.”

The others shake their heads knowingly as the file out of the studio with their respective belongings, all the while formulating a plan to snatch a small portion of Jungkook’s lamb skewers before every morsel is practically inhaled by the maknae; food becomes a rare gem in the dorm once they return from a long day of work, especially with Jungkook around.

“Please, Hyung! Please!!”

After showering and changing into comfortable pajamas, the members of BTS sadly realized they took too long freshening up. All the restaurants and fast food joints have closed for the night, and with Jin being the only one who ever willingly cooks out of all the members, the hungry men flock to their eldest in hopes that he will cook for everyone after such a tiring day.

“I’m meeting up with a friend tonight in less than two hours,” Jin states. He keeps his gaze fixated on the floor, unwilling to look into the sullen expressions his dongsaengs are shooting at him. “Can’t one of you just fix up some ramyun to eat tonight? Or better yet, have Yoongi cook for you! You guys need to be able to survive on your own without me.

“But Yoongi-Hyung is asleep in his room,” Taehyung laments.

Joining the argument with lamb meat stuffed in his cheeks, Jungkook argues back, “Yeah, and you always scold us whenever we bring ramyun into the dorm!”

“Because eating that stuff on a normal basis is bad for you! Especially young, growing kids like you, Jungkook!”

The bickering continues to escalate, but in the midst of all the commotion, Hoseok is seated in an armchair with his brows furrowed in confusion. Jin had mentioned an arrangement with a friend for the past year or so, but has never once given any hints or details as to who this person is. In fact, none of the members know where their hyung runs off to and what he does. However, one thing is for sure, Hoseok has a suspicion that whoever Jin meets up with, that person has been helping their eldest member with his dancing since Jin normally goes to someone from the dance line for help, but that has been dwindling lately; he wants to know who Jin is seeking assistance from, but he needs to get answers himself.

“Hyung, didn’t you say that you need to leave soon,” Hoseok inquires with a cheeky smile.

Dramatically gasping, Jin thanks the dancer and runs over to the door to slip on his shoes. Before opening the door, he reaches into his leather bag, shuffling through his stuff to pull out some money. A colorful, reflective disk catches Hoseok’s eye, but he remains quiet as Jin explains to Jimin that a nearby gas station’s instant noodles selection should satiate their hunger for the time being.

“Now remember, Namjoon is technically in charge since he’s the leader. Listen to him. And don’t think that I’ll let you guys eat ramyun often after this! The dorm better be intact and clean when I get back!!”

Once the front door slams shut and Hoseok hears the familiar ringing of the elevator, he darts down the hall into his room to change, earning questioning looks from his friends.

“”Everybody needs to leave, now! We’re gonna follow Jin-Hyung.”

“But why…”

I’ll explain on the way! Now hurry before we lose him!! And somebody wake up Yoongi!”

Sneaking around Seoul in the evening without warm coats is not an ideal situation anybody should find themselves in, but that is what six of the Bangtan boys are doing as they attempt to stealthily follow their hyung’s car without looking shady enough to draw unnecessary attention from the authorities or potential, unsuspecting fans.

“So, let me get this straight: We’re freezing our butts off out here to follow Hyung because you believe he’s lying to us?” Yoongi grabs Hoseok by the arm and turns him around, glaring at the dancer with half-lidded eyes threatening to shut— the low temperature does little to keep him awake. “Why didn’t you just tail behind him in a car?”

Realization hits him, but Hoseok refuses to allow his friend to win, so he argues back, stating that Jin would not pay as much attention to pedestrians on the sidewalk behind his car, versus a car behind him on the streets.

“I mean, I guess it makes sense,” Jungkook shrugs in agreement. “Jin-Hyung would need to focus on the cars behind and in front of him. Unless if people are too close to the car or crossing the street, there’s no need to really look at them.”

A harsh glare is thrown at the maknae, but he pays no mind to Yoongi since he is too busy trying to peel both Taehyung and Jimin off of him, who argue that they are conserving body heat.

“Guys, don’t argue.” Namjoon finds himself pleading to the members once again. The only reason why he agreed to follow Jin was to settle Hoseok’s mind and prove that their hyung is not hiding anything disreputable. While he does agree that the eldest’s actions are quite suspicious and understandably raises concern, the dancer is confident that Jin has his reasons for the secrecy. “The sooner we get this over with, the faster we can return to the dorms.”

Before another word syllable can be uttered, Namjoon is interrupted by squeals of excitement coming from Hoseok, who is shaking an irritated and thoroughly exhausted Min Yoongi. The rest of the group huddle at the corner of the street, watching tentatively as Jin’s vehicle pulls up into the parking structure of an enormous, expensive apartment complex. Their jaws drop to the floor upon witnessing their eldest member whip out a shiny gold key card for the security guard to scan.

“Why does Hyung have access to the building?”

“There’s no way he owns an apartment here,” Namjoon mutters under his breath, though his fellow members can hear him clearly, “I know for a fact that with all our paychecks combined, we’d barely make rent for this place. Our recent comeback has only gained enough traction to keep our name in the local media… I mean, yeah, Hyung comes from a wealthy background, but he’s not the type to live in such an extravagant, flashy, high-end place…”

“Who cares,” interjects Hoseok. “Jin-Hyung has been hiding this from us and we have the right to know what he has been keeping from us. This could affect all of us if we don’t confront him now!”

Though several of them wish to protest against confronting their eldest member and friend, they opt to remain silent; sleepiness wins over any rational thoughts.

“We better go now,” Jimin notes with a nod of his head in the direction of the parking structure, “I think we’ll lose Jin if we keep standing around here looking suspicious.”

Hurriedly, the group of men jog over to the entrance of the parking lot and come face-to-face with a young man in a uniform with “security” stitched onto his jacket and cap. Before anyone has the chance to speak up, the guard holds out his hand, requesting for the men’s key cards.

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon apologizes, though he has no reason to do so, “My friends and I are trying to catch up to our friend, Kim Seokjin. He’s the one you let through a couple minutes ago.”

The security guard eyes them with a look of doubt; considering that the boys are wearing their night clothes beneath their coats and have their phones and wallets clutched to their chests, nobody can blame him for being skeptical. Shaking his head, the young man explains that without proper authorization, unidentifiable persons are not permitted on the property.

“Wait!” An idea pops into Hoseok’s head, preventing the guard from stating the need for them to leave the premises. The dancer digs through his wallet momentarily before pulling out a card and handing it to the young man. “Since you don’t want to let random people in, you can keep track of us by taking our ID cards! That way, if something happens, you’ll have our information!”

“Oi, are you trying to insinuate that we have devious plans,” grumbles Yoongi.

Looking at the security guard with a bright smile while ignoring the rapper’s comment and the protests of the other members behind him, Hoseok waves his ID around animatedly until the young man finally caves in, prompting the dancer to cheer loudly— he is quickly shushed by Namjoon.

“Thank you so much, Mister… uh.”

“Choi,” the guard replies. “Choi Il-Seong.”

Each member thanks the young man as the duck under the barrier arm gate, only to run back to the man when they realize that they have no clue where the lobby is located. A finger gesturing to the double-doors by a pillar is all they need to see before they take off running once more, determined to get this over with and return to the warmth of their beds.

As soon as they throw open the doors to the lobby, all six men can spot their hyung standing at the receptionist desk, chatting with the woman seated behind the counter.

“Ah hah!” Hoseok pushes past his friends to make his way up to Jin, jabbing an accusing finger into the older male’s chest, effectively startling said male. “I knew you were up to something!”

“W-Wh…What are you guys even doing here?”

From his spot by the doorway, Namjoon brings up a hand to hide his cheeks, which are flushed due to his second-hand embarrassment, as he apologizes for causing a scene, “Hoseok-Hyung made us follow you all the way out here because he had a hunch about you keeping something from us.”

“Like I mentioned before leaving,” Jin sighs, irritated by his friends’ prying actions, “I have plans with a friend. The lovely receptionist was just about to call a guard to escort me up to my friend’s apartment before you kids rudely interrupted.”

The younger members gasp in awe upon learning that their hyung needed to be escorted up to an apartment by a security guard, while Namjoon furrows his brows, deep in thought. He gathered that the complex can only be afforded by wealthy individuals, but having guards escorting visitors is something unheard of to him.

Who is this friend of Jin’s?

“So, does this friend have anything to do with our dance practice,” the young dancer inquires with a sly smirk. The sudden silence in the lobby, along with Jin sputtering and stumbling over his words, is all Hoseok needs to continue pushing for an answer. “Don’t try to lie, Hyung. I saw you slip the disc with our recorded routine into your bag, and it’s not the first time I’ve noticed you do that, plus you always leave dressed in comfortable clothes you save exclusively for dance practices.”

Again, Jin is unable to come up with a response. After several minutes of incoherent noises, he relents, sighing heavily. He planned to break the news to his friends after their comeback, but given the current circumstances, Jin has no choice but to push it up to tonight. The man runs a hand through his hair, sighing once more before motioning for his friends to follow him as the familiar face of the guard enters the lobby.

“Follow me, but just…please don’t say anything once we get there. I want to be able to explain myself  before anyone jumps to any conclusions.”

With much difficulty, all eight men magically squeeze into the elevator, eyeing random corners awkwardly in an attempt to distract themselves from the fact that they are tightly packed together. An audible exhale from each person is heard once a ringing sound is heard, allowing for everybody to rush out past the doors, with the exception of the security guard, who simply waves to Jin with a smile and returns to the elevator.

It only takes the group a couple steps to the left to reach their destination. Before Jin makes any movement to knock on the door, he turns to face his friends, a serious expression painted on his face.

“Please,” he pleads, his face transitioning in reflection of his anxious thoughts. “Please don’t jump to conclusions and make a huge scene.”

“Yah! What could be so bad that you have to hide it from us and be worried about our reaction to meeting this ‘friend?’” Yoongi scowls at Jin, imaginary daggers shooting out from his eyes.

“Well, you see…”

[Next Part]

[happymetalgirl]

March 2020

Wow, March seems like such a bygone era, time doesn’t mean anything anymore with so much turned upside down (especially in the music industry) in the throes of the pandemic going on right now. One of those things was me losing my punctuality with this blog. While I haven’t been on top of my writing, I have certainly been listening as much as ever, with plenty to talk about this month, so better late than never I suppose. Here are the albums I listened to during March.

Code Orange - Underneath

I just wrote about the Pittsburgh metalcore juggernauts’ highly anticipated fourth full-length, but I’ll summarize again what led me say that Underneath is a good album, but not as good as the breakthrough album whose high bar this album was always going to have a hard time clearing. The band go all in on the industrial elements that accented Forever on Underneath, as well as push their luck on the more melodic, alternative metal-oriented hardcore tracks, which came with some growing pains, the latter more than the former. And I really think that they probably are just growing pains with the band getting more comfortable with this expansion of their sound, which (contrary to what the many zealous 10/10 reviews are saying) I think the band will get significantly better with if they keep this trajectory going into their next album.

8/10

Body Count - Carnivore

I really have tried to focus on the positive aspects of Body Count’s music, the fearless, topical, confrontational lyricism and the capacity the band has to generate a good hardcore breakdown, but the band really do seem to be unable to get out of this one-dimensional rut they’re stuck in, with Carnivore simply a few shovels deeper in. The band’s appeal tires very quickly with Ice-T’s recycling of lyrical themes and his band’s repetitions of generic hardcore tropes. They come through with a few moments of intensity, a sick breakdown or two, but the positive, hopeful moments are too few and far between. I would think that with not a whole lot of competition and a hip hop icon behind the microphone that Body Count would have the capacity to do more for rap metalcore, but they seem stuck in a cycle I do respect the stances Body Count takes against injustice, and I want them to be a more prominent, important voice in metal, but they have some climbing to do to get there.

4/10

My Dying Bride - The Ghost of Orion

The grand masters of gothic death-doom don’t ever really steer too far off course, rather they sometimes just take their foot off the gas, as they do on The Ghost of Orion. It has all the elements of any beautifully melancholic My Dying Bride album; the slow and burgeoning guitars, the downtrodden vocal melodies juxtaposed with bursts of growled anguish, and the melodrama of vibrato-laden strings; but it’s all arranged and conjured without much tangible passion or pain. That’s by the standard of the band’s pretty solid discography though, so with that considered, it’s by no means a terrible death-doom album, it just won’t be converting anybody or getting anyone more excited about My Dying Bride and death-doom.

6/10

Warp Chamber - Implements of Excruciation

Brutal death metal can often seem pretty one-dimensional, and it often is, but in the hands of a band who really has the ambition to make more of it than just some guttural rumblings from all the instruments involved, the genre can really take on a wholy new monstrous form, its horrific, deathly instrumentation heightened by the melody and the compositional nuance that a competent band can bring to it, and that is exactly what Warp Chamber do on their debut album here. Full of cavernous growls and ceaseless low-register battery, it can seem, at face value like just a regular brutal death metal album, but when the band starts breaking out the winding tangents and manic solos that, again, just heighten the chaos and compliment the brutality. It’s more than just regular-ass death metal, and I’m glad to have heard this debut. I hope Warp Chamber has more in store.

8/10

Loathe - I Let It in and It Took Everything

Do you love Deftones? Maybe you do. I do. But I don’t think either of us love Deftones as much as Loathe loves Deftones. I’m goofing right now, but Loathe really do channel their Deftones fandom real hard when they’re not in full hardcore mode or getting eccentric with the segues on this album. And it does offer a great combination of styles, with angular, low-tuned modern metalcore noise riffage juxtaposed pretty strongly against the gauzy shoegaze that immediately hearkens to that facet of Deftones’ music. The band struggle to get the flow just right on certain songs and across the album in general, with some pretty inconsistent songwriting, but it’s definitely outweighed by its still somehow immersive quality and the strength of the individual pieces going into it.

7/10

Earth Rot - Black Tides of Obscurity

The Australian band brings forth some more of the tried and true modern death metal a la Bloodbath, Carnation, and modern Cannibal Corpse, but with enough eerie, blackened oddity throughout the songs to keep the journey from being too homogenous. It’s these moments that both give extra life to the bludgeoning, but at-times basic, modern death metal the band is conjuring and kind of disrupt the flow of that muscly death metal. At times I do wish the band would chose to focus one or the other more exclusively, but if this pushes Earth Rot further into this kind of stylistically ambitious death metal, I appreciate the stepping stone this album acts as.

7/10

Myrkur - Folksange

After riding a pretty strong wave of critical adoration for her contribution to the growing wave of atmospheric black metal that culminated in the respectably sonically unique Mareridt in 2017, Myrkur’s Amelie Bruun has taken a step back to refocus or recalibrate artistically. As the title suggests, Folksange finds its creator rewarding herself for her contributions to black metal with a return to her love of Scandinavian folk music, and you can tell she loves it on this entirely folk-music-based project devoid of any black metal elements. I may not have been as head-over-heels as a lot of critics were about her black metal albums, but I certainly appreciated her folk-inspired ambient take on the genre, especially the unique sonic pallet of Mareridt. I liked those albums quite a bit, yet it is clear that the sound on Folksange is her forte, which makes sense if Scandinavian folk has been a longer-standing passion than black metal for Bruun. The instrumentation is absolutely beautiful and Bruun’s angelic voice fits so perfectly with it, but Folksange is more than just superficially aesthetically gorgeous. The songs (old and original) are written and arranged with such a natural knack for the style that makes it such a serenely enveloping experience that stands as Myrkur’s best work yet. I highly recommend it.

8/10

Old Man Gloom - Seminar IX: Darkness of Being

The famed supergroup’s first of two releases planned for this year after the loss of Caleb Scofield sees them dabbling around in an experimental array of genres that all the members have some sort of significant experience and specialty with. From post-metal of the sludgy, Isis-esque variety to the more noisily esoteric, Sumac-esque variety, to distinctly post-hardcore-influenced stylistic diversions, the band’s wide-reaching sound takes all sorts of twists and turns along their most recent experiment with the members’ varying pedigrees and influences guiding the music on quite the unusual nomadic trek. From the repetitive chord progression of the opening track to the album’s noisy finishing tracks (one of which features what sounds like rocks tumbling down a shaft of some sort for an extensive period of time), the band let their adventurers’ instincts guide them as they wander through their own experiment through the interplay of their members’ various styles. It’s weird, and not super polished, but it’s certainly fixating.

7/10

Candlemass - The Pendulum

After further cementing their relatively unchallenged status as the kings of epic doom metal with The Door to Doom about a year ago, Candlemass have offered up a quick little demo-focused EP with one new fleshed-out song, the title track, which takes them to the faster, more Dio-era-inspires side of their sound with the grand, soaring operatic vocals on the chorus and the relatively fast (by doom standards) guitar rhythms on the verses (think “Paranoid” or “Children of the Grave’). I love the very Dio-esque delivery of the word “fools” at the end too, very fitting. The demo track “Snakes of Goliath” slows it back down to Ozzy-era Sabbath worship in typical Candlemass fashion, the riffs and arrangement pretty respectable for a supposed demo track. The other full-length demo, “Porcelain Skull”, by contrast, does feel much less compositionally fleshed out and more like an actual demo piece. The other three demo tracks are just little instrumental studio doodles that don’t really add anything to the EP. If this EP could be interpreted as any kind of power move, it’s that Candlemass at demo level have just such a sharp compositional intuition for grand Sabbath doom metal and can pretty much nail it in their sleep.

demo-level 7/10

Igorrr - Spirituality and Distortion

I was definitely looking forward to this album big-time after the gloriously unashamed weirdness of 2017’s Savage Sinusoid filled a massive void I felt was needed in my metal bank. By contrast, Spirituality and Distortion is such a reserved project it feels either shy or cowardly from the usually hyper-eccentric band. The greater absence of the vocals of Laurent Lunoir on the album highlight also just how much character he brought to Savage Sinusoid through his zany performances. Without his vocal wildness across the album, the attention on Spirituality and Distortion is then directed to the significantly timid production and electronic finagling that doesn’t measure up to that of Savage Sinusoid.

6/10

In This Moment - Mother

*Sigh* In This Moment is one of those bands who I think really do show a lot of potential but just can’s seem to reach it. They get a lot of unnecessary shit for Maria Brink’s sexy stage presence and generally theatrical aesthetic and live show, but they do have the capacity to produce emotive alt metal ballads like “Whore” and bangers like “Big Bad Wolf” that give some insight into what heights they could potentially reach if they were much more consistent. I was hoping that Mother would be a solid rejuvenation/comeback after the benign disappointment of 2017′s Ritual, and while it’s certainly different, it’s not better. Mother really tries to take on this big, enveloping sound, and biblical, post-apocalyptic feel, and it can sort of carry it for a little bit and be temporarily immersive until the band needs to go full force. When it’s just some fancy eerie atmosphere and Maria Brink’s sultry vocal delivery, it holds up okay, but when the horribly synthetically produced arena-booming instrumentation really comes in and breaks that immersion, you remember that it really is all just trite alt rock whose lofty flair is all a facade.

4/10

Mamaleek - Come and See

Undoubtedly the most wildly experimental album to grace my ears so far this year, I was not expecting such a forceful avant-garde project from Mamaleek so relatively soon after Out of Time, but damn I’m glad I got it! The anonymous brotherly duo have always taken black metal on quite the far-off journey whenever they bring it along on one, ever making it their mission to create something one-of-a-kind with their work, and Come and See has to be their most enthralling album yet. Ramming together the transfixing manic anguish of their blackened experimental noise with the angular dynamism of jazz and even some blues rock in a musical particle collider, Mamaleek have made a truly one-of-a-kind album, and that’s even by their standards. I’ve mentioned before that I tend to like my jazz pretty rowdy and aggressive (like my metal), and the chaos that Mamaleek already generates with their brand of black metal is perfect to trim with and infuse with the angular dissonance of traditional jazz at its more energetically extreme. While the array of chaotic sounds may make Come and See their most intangibly black metal album, the ethos of that root genre pierces through by way of the harshly shrieked vocals just as much as the new jazz elements do. I really might just have to do a full-length review on this one because there is so much going on here that is worth admiring and I can’t stop loving it.

9/10

Phalanx - Golden Horde

This album came out a few months ago and has been making some pretty significant waves on Bandcamp, and for good reason. The relatively young band on their second release ever do showcase a pretty good knack for groove and death metal brutality, balancing slow, thick, tasty groove and blasting death metal without falling into metalcore breakdown clichés or death metal clichés. The three-pronged vocal attack the band touts isn’t quite as dazzling as they might think it is (with the abundance of talented vocalists capable of shapeshifting through a variety of metal vocal techniques), but I do think it would be cool to hear them use that approach with all three vocalists acting more simultaneously to more effectively convey the chaos of the war-related lyrical themes they focus on. Nevertheless, this quarter-hour taster is a great starter for them and definitely worth checking out. Hopefully it’s a foreshadowing of the blossoming of a bright new act for death metal.

7/10

Regarde Les Hommes Tomber - Ascension

I’ve been seeing a lot of praise being thrown this album’s way, and I honestly can’t disagree too much with that it is a pretty damn good album. It is very reminiscent of the Numenorean album Adore that I praised so highly last year. Like Adore, Ascension is an atmospheric black metal album that could easily hook your typical dude who hates Deafheaven and blackgaze and makes a really big deal about it. The band’does well on Ascension to avoid the reliance on generic post-rock guitar reverb ambiance that turns so many people off from blackgaze, working together a lot of unique sonic twists that don’t usually find their way into ambient black metal and channeling direct, cutting, yet humanly vibrant instrumentation that’s backed by raw cries of agony very similar to what Numenorean was doing last year. Perhaps this is the new way forward for atmospheric black metal and blackgaze. If so, Regarde Les Hommes Tomber are doing well to lead the way.

8/10

Deadspace - A Portrait of Sacrificial Scars

I already offered my praises to this album at length with my long-form post dedicated to it, but I’ll give it another shout for its brilliant, bittersweet sending off of the seemingly tireless Australian band. Deadspace give their oppressive/depressive sound the added magnitude and glory offered by choir and orchestral elements with more tact than most bands that use those elements regularly. I really am surprised that the band have decided to split up at such a high point in their artistry and I wish there could be more from them, but I have to respect their decision to end it here, and A Portrait of Sacrificial Scars is a great note to end on.

9/10

[littlejeanniebean]

peter parker goes to marvel high (normal mcu au)

A/N: Peter’s first day of high school ft. Shuri, Mr. Stark, Mr. Loki, and co. ~1700 words teenaged angst then fluff. More Peter x Shuri in my masterlist :)

Heavily inspired by this post by @spellbounding-slytherin

I’m also a big fan of @tinymintywolf​‘s art :))

- J xx

Fact: Peter Parker was a nervous wreck. May, ever the optimist, had patted his cheeks, kicked him out of the car, and told him to have a good day. Peter had never had a good first day of school. He was smart but had a severe attention deficit, so even his teachers never liked him. His one best friend throughout junior high, Ned Leeds, had moved to New Jersey, so he would probably end up eating alone in some empty classroom just to be safe. And he’d met the principal at orientation last Friday. He had an eye patch and a perpetual frown, used to head up the corrections department for youth offenders. So yeah, high school was going to suck big time.

“Move it, dickwad,” one of the larger boys shoved past him at the door to his homeroom.

Peter strategically chose a seat in the ambiguous, unnoticeable middle. 

A short, bright-eyed girl marched up to him, “You’re in my seat.”

“Sorry! Sorry!” he tried to pick up his backpack but the strap was caught on the leg of his chair, so he just kind of ended up spilling himself over the floor. 

“Crap, I was just messing with you, kid,” she helped him up, “You good?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” he just sort of stood there awkwardly, not meeting her eyes. 

“Dude, you gotta stop apologizing. I’m sorry, okay?” she tried to get him to look at her, “I’m Shuri. I have a messed up sense of humour that scares away any friends I might’ve ended up having. Is it cool if I sit next to you?”

“Yeah, sure,” he nodded, “I’m Perker Pat - Parker Pete - Peter Parker.”

“Cool.”

“Dude, you are sad,” the boy who shoved him coming into the room twirled an expensive-looking pen, sparing him the most derisive of sideways glances.

Peter was saved from actually having to come up with a response when their teacher walked in two-minutes after the bell and put his feet up on his desk, “Okay, kiddies. My name is Mr. Stark, you may call me Mr. Stark. I am your homeroom teacher unless you’re in the wrong room. I also teach AP Math and Computer Science. If you have questions at this point, I honestly wonder how you got this far in life, but I’m obligated to ask.”

The room was silent. 

“Great, do whatever until the bell rings, I guess.”

The class emptied out. 

Peter hung back, “M-Mr. Stark?”

“Yes, Proton.”

“I-it’s Peter, actually.”

“I was talking about your t-shirt.”

“I - Oh, yeah,” he looked down at the “I’m positive” joke print, “um… I just wanted to let you know that I have ADHD, mostly the AD part a-and I don’t expect any special treatment or anything and I’ll work really hard, but I also wanted to join Mathletes and I wasn’t allowed in junior high because I’d always get sidetracked at the meets but I think I can do better now if you’ll give me the chance… butifnotthat’sokay.”

Mr. Stark appraised him, “First meeting is in this room at three.”

“Thank you, sir!” he smiled, but when his teacher didn’t smile back, he fixed his face and walked to his next period.

“I’m Mr. Banner, and there are three things you need to remember if you want to succeed in biochemistry. One: If you’re unsure but proceed without asking for clarification first, I will be angry. Two: If you show up to the lab without completing the prior work assigned, I will be angry. Three: If you do not share work between your lab partners equally, I will be angry. Don’t make me angry.”

“Wanna be lab partners?” Shuri asked.

“Sure,” Peter squeaked and cleared his throat. 

“You’re not going to break a test tube on me, are you?”

He shook his head quickly. 

“You’re a lot of work, Peter Parker, but it’s kind of adorable.”

“Um… thanks?”

“You’re welcome. Now hand me that pipette and fire up the spectrophotometer.”

The last period before lunch was P.E.

“I’m Coach Barton, that’s all you need to know. Let’s do a few warm up laps around the circuit.”

Peter ran hard and was close to fainting as he crossed the line in the middle of the pack.

“Woah, kid, you need to go to the nurse’s?” Coach singled him out.

He tried to say ‘no’ but no sound would come out, so he just shook his head, gasping. He could hear the other boys snickering beyond the pounding of his blood in his brain.

“I think you need to go to the nurse’s,” Coach beckoned to the boy who’d crossed the line first, “Flash, take him to the clinic, would ya?”

“Yes, sir,” the bully from his homeroom smirked at him.

As soon as they were out of the gym, he jostled and picked at the smaller boy only to exhibit the epitome of sympathy in front of Nurse Man-Ti. 

“Here, drink some electrolytes,” she told him and he finished the small bottle in under a minute. 

As soon as Flash was gone, Peter let himself just cry. He wished his aunt would just homeschool him, but it’s been hard since his uncle died and in the face of that, Peter felt bad for feeling bad about his little problems and that made him cry some more.

“Hey,” the nurse sat beside him quietly, “Peter, right?”

He nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“What for? Better out than in, that’s what I always say.”

Peter sniffed.

“Do you want to talk about it? Or make an appointment with Counsellor Barnes?” 

“No, no, I’m fine. I just needed, uh… electrolytes,” he leaves quickly after that.

Peter goes to his locker for his bag and clothes, red eyes trained on the floor so that hopefully nobody notices. He doesn’t notice Shuri arguing with Flash, gesturing forcefully back at his locker. Flash sees him put in his combination and open the door, a cheshire grin spreading across his face. 

“Peter!” Shuri tries to warn him, “Don’t -”

But it’s too late and he’s covered in silly string, a few old socks found decomposing in the gym lockers, and the contents of a bathroom trash can. 

“I’m gonna go change,” he whispers to no one in particular.

“I’ll save you a place at lunch?” Shuri called after him.

Peter stops in his tracks to shoot her a grateful smile, “Thank you.”

Mr. Thor Odinson was a very loud history teacher, but it worked well for keeping Peter’s attention throughout the class, so he was able to answer all the review questions. 

“Teacher’s pet,” Flash scoffed at the sound of the bell.

“Dumbass,” Shuri fake-coughed and pulled Peter to the auditorium.

“I’m Mr. Loki Odinson, you may call me Mr. Loki to distinguish between myself and my hard-of-hearing brother, Thor,” said their quieter drama teacher, “Thompson, if you kick Parker’s chair one more time, I will send you to Fury’s office with no note, no explanation. And he has a very specific way of dealing with those cases.”

Flash stopped and sat straighter. 

“Good, Parker, you seem suitably nervous. Come up here and help me demonstrate a quick improvisation exercise.”

Peter tripped on his way down the aisle to the stage, but kept going. 

“Now, you’re a superhero and I’m a supervillain. You’re trying to turn me over to the good side, but we can only converse alphabetically. So you must start with the letter ‘A’, I must start with the letter ‘B’ and so forth. Are you ready?”

“No.”

“Ah, ah, first rule of improv: the answer is always, ‘Yes, and…’ Let’s go, Parker. You’re brave. You’re bold. You’re a hero.”

“Alright, Mr. Villain, you have two choices,” Peter surprised himself at how his voice carried. It must be the way the auditorium was built, “perish, or join our fight.”

“Blech, I choose to perish,” Mr. Loki dropped to his knees, “C’mon Hero, end me if you have the guts at all.”

“Come on, you know you never wanted to watch the city burn to begin with. The hive possessed you, used you. Now, you have the chance to redeem yourself.”

“Don’t presume to know me because you can’t possibly. You don’t know what I’ve been through. What I’ve lost!”

“Everything,” Peter said quietly, “Everyone you ever cared for. I do know… because so have I. We’re not so different.”

“Fighting the hive is a losing proposition. You have nothing that could work against them!”

“Gas. Even a million eyes are no good in a fog.”

“Huh… I never thought of that. I’ll join your fight, Hero if you’ll let me,” Mr. Loki proffered his “bound” wrists.

“I knew there was some good left in you, Mr. Villain,” Peter “unlocked” the “restraints.”

Mr. Loki mimed holding a knife to Peter’s neck, “Just not that much, I’m afraid. Hive Mother! I’ve got him! I’ve got the hero! Now release my family from the void as you promised!”

Peter wracked his brain from the next letter. The plot twist didn’t help him think either. “... Krap with a ‘k’?” 

Mr. Loki broke character and laughed before clapping and shaking his student’s hand, “That was the most interesting improv demonstration I’ve had in awhile, Parker. You’re a natural. Now everyone pair off and try to top that performance if you can!”

English with Mr. Rogers was the last period of the day. He didn’t look up from his book until everyone was seated, silent, and had their eyes up front. It took a crazy long time and a good deal of organization and yelling on Shuri’s part. 

“Sorry, guys, I was reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!” he joked.

Peter was the only one who laughed.

After giving a bit of a lecture on respect for their instructors, valuing their education, and how much they were going to love English this year, he let them go early. 

“Okay, I’m calling you three Alvin, Simon, and Theodore from now on,” Mr. Stark addressed his small Mathlete gathering, “Our new mascot is a chipmunk, I don’t care that all our other teams are Rocket Raccoons.” 

“Which one of us is Alvin?” Shuri asked.

“Since you asked, you are. Fancy-Pen is Simon and Proton is Theodore. Now, we have a competition to prepare for in… ages from now, so… drill, I guess? I don’t know. Who wants to do Euclidean algorithms?” 

Three hands went up. 

“Nice,” he brought out his expensive Japanese chalk, a gift from his wife, the well-known Fortune 500 CEO, Pepper Potts.

[bamby0304]

Her Saviours- Ch.10

Series Masterlist

Summary: During an odd case, the Winchesters came across Y/N, a scared young Omega girl who had been used as a lure for a nest of vampires. After rescuing her from the monsters, John and his sons took her in knowing she was in no state to live among ordinary people. But three Alphas and one Omega is a mixture bound for disaster.

A/N: Thanks for checking the chapter out, @sculptorofbeginnings :)

Warnings: Explicit language. ABO Dynamics. Angst. Smut. Fingering. Dirty talk. Dry humping. Awkward encounter.

Bamby

“Alright, I figure we’d hit Tucumcari by lunch, then head south, hit Bisbee by midnight.” Dean watched Sam as his brother continued to ignore him in the passenger seat. “Sam wears women’s underwear.”

You chuckled from the back seat, looking to Sam as his eyes stayed focused on his PalmPilot.

“I’ve been listenin’,” Sam assured him, “I’m just busy.”

“Busy doin’ what?” Dean asked as he started getting out of the car.

“Reading emails.”

Following Dean, you slid out of the car and joined him as he started filling her up with Gas. Sam remained where he was, barely moving a muscle as he clicked through his messages.

Setting the nozzle into the car, Dean then reached out and turned you around. He pressed his chest to your back, and rested his chin on your shoulder as he looked down at his brother in the car. “Emails from who?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

Again, Sam barely moved as he answered, “From my friends at Stanford.”

“You’re kidding.” Dean was genuinely surprised. “You still keep in touch with your college buddies?”

“Why not?”

“Well, what exactly do you tell ‘em? You know, about where you’ve been, what you’ve been doin’?”

“Who you’re with?” you added, giving Sam a pointed look.

Finailly, he tore his eyes away from the screen and looked up at the two of you. “I tell ‘em I’m on a road trip with my big brother and little sister. I tell ‘em I needed some time off after Jess.”

Dean’s grip on you tightened the second the word fell from Sam’s lips. He knew you hated being referred to as his sister, he knew it hurt you. If it wasn’t for his grip, you would have walked off. Instead, all you could do was glare at the ground as the brothers continued their conversation.

“Oh, so you lie to ‘em.”

“No. I just don’t tell ‘em….everything,” Sam argued, as if that was a huge difference.

You scoffed at the same time Dean said, “Yeah, that’s called lying. I mean, hey, man, I get it, tellin’ the truth is far worse.”

“So, what am I supposed to do, just cut everybody out of my life?” Sam asked, causing Dean to shrug against you. “You’re serious?”

“Look, it sucks, but in a job like this, you can’t get close to people, period,” Dean noted.

Sam shook his head at him. “You’re kind of anti-social, you know that?

Dean just grinned, pulling you closer again. “I’m plenty social.”

Rolling his eyes, Sam got back to his emails.

You turned your head a little a leaned into Dean, breathing in his scent. It calmed you, the familiarity and certainty of it. It was one of your favourite smells in the entire world.

Letting out a content hum, you tugged on his arms so they’d hold you a little tighter. Grinning at your antics, Deannipped at your shoulder.

Giggling, you turned in his arms, which just prompted him to dive in towards your neck. He made playful snarling noises as he nipped and licked at your pulse point, backing your up against the car- not caring that your ass was right by Sam’s window.

“God…”

“Get over it, Sammy. It’s human nature,” Dean mumbled against your neck.

“No, not you,” Sam told him, concern in his voice which prompted you to push Dean away. “An this email from this girl, Rebecca Warren, one of those friends of mine-”

“Is she hot?” Dean asked, earning an elbow in the ribs from you. He groaned and stepped away, rubbing at his side. “Seriously?”

You just glared and turned back to Sam as he went on.

“I went to school with her, and her brother, Zack. She says Zack’s been charged with murder. He’s been arrested for killing his girlfriend. Rebecca says he didn’t do it, but it sounds like the cops have a pretty good case.”

Still rubbing at his side, Dean stepped up to Sam’s window. “Dude, what kind of people are you hangin’ out with?”

“No, man, I know Zack. He’s no killer,” Sam insisted.

“Well, maybe you know Zack as well as he knows you,” Dean countered. When you turned to glare at him again, he raised his hands up in defence and took a step back. “Or not. Or not.”

“They’re in St. Louis.” Sam suddenly looked up at his brother. “We’re goin’.”

Dean chuckled. “Look, sorry ‘bout your buddy, okay? But this does not sound like our kind of problem.”

“It is our problem. They’re my friends.”

“St. Louis is four hundred miles behind us, Sam.”

Shoving at Dean’s shoulder, you put yourself between the brothers and fixed the oldest one with another glare. “We’re going.”

Dean looked from you, to Sam, and then back as he sighed. “Fine.”

You walked next to Dean, the two of you behind Sam as he stepped up to the door of the house in front of you. The reason you and the older brother were a couple of steps behind was so you had a few extra seconds to lay down some rules.

“Sam has told all his friends I’m his sister,” you reminded Dean. “So no touching. No flirting. Just… treat me like a sister.”

His lips pulled up into a grin. “I don’t know, Y/N, in some places the way I treat you now is how people treat their sister’s.” When you just sighed and rolled your eyes, his grin faltered. “Okay, no touching, no flirting, no messing around. I get it.” He glanced over at you quickly. “You gonna be okay with this?”

“With what?”

“Playing house. Pretending it doesn’t kill you when Sam calls you his sister. And knowing I’m gonna flirt with his friend if she’s hot.”

You stop dead in your tracks and look down at the ground. His words run through your mind as you weigh the situation. You know it’s going to suck, but you also know you have to be here. This was Sam’s friend, you understood the severity of it, which is why you weren’t going to take no for an answer when it came to this case.

Whether it was your kind of thing or not, monster or human, Sam had to be here. You’d do anything for him… even if he did break your heart on a regular basis.

Dean came to stop in front of you, looking down at you with concern. “Y/N, if you can’t do this-”

“I’ll deal, Dean. I always deal.” Shoving past him, you continued on, catching up to Sam just as he finished knocking on the front door.

A moment later the door opened, revealing a woman around the same age as Sam. She was gorgeous, all blonde hair, blue eyes, and a body models and dancers would envy.

Dean’s gonna love her… you mentally sigh. At least she’s a Beta.

“Oh my God.” The woman’s face lit up. “Sam!”

Sam chuckled lightly, smiling down at the woman. “Well, if it isn’t little Becky.”

“You know what you can do with that little Becky crap.” Reaching up, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

As she pulled back, Sam continued to smile down at her- while you did everything to quash the stab of jealousy in your chest. “I got your email.”

“I didn’t think that you would come here,” Rebecca admitted.

Dean, of course, stepped forward then and offered her his hand. “Dean. Older brother.”

Rebecca turned her smile to him and took his hand. “Hi.”

“Hi.” He gave her that grin that you wished was just for you. Letting her hand go, he nodded in your direction. “This is our little sister, Y/N.”

You just offered a small wave and tight smile. “Hey.”

She was a little taken aback by the way you barely moved but smiled at you nonetheless. “Hi.”

“We’re here to help. Whatever we can do,” Sam explained.

Nodding, Rebecca took a step to the side, “Come in.”

Following Rebecca into the house, you stepped ahead of Dean so he could close the door before you continued through the place. Taking it all in, you were amazed at the grandeur of the place. It was like a suburban mansion.

Thinking the same thing as you, Dean gave an impressed whistle. “Nice place.”

“It’s my parents’,” Rebecca explained as she led you further into the house. “I was just crashing here for the long weekend when everything happened. I decided to take the semester off. I’m gonna stay until Zack’s free.”

“Where are your folks?” Sam asked as he walked beside her.

“They live in Paris for half the year, so they’re on their way home now for the trial.” Entering the kitchen, Rebecca moved to the inside of the island bench and reached for the fridge, whish the rest of you stood on the opposite side. “Do you guys want a beer or something?”

Dean smiled widely. “Hey-”

“No, thanks,” Sam cut him off. “So, tell us what happened.”

Shrugging, Rebecca leaned against the bench as she started, “Well, um, Zack came home, and he found Emily tied to a chair. And she was beaten up and bloody, and she wasn’t breathing.” Her voice started to shake as she fought not to cry. “So, he called 911, and the police, they showed up, and they arrested him. But, the thing is, the only way that Zack could’ve killed Emily is if he was in two places at the same time. The police, they have a video. It’s from the security tape from across the street. And it shows Zack coming home at 10:30. Now, Emily was killed just after that, but I swear, he was here with me, having a few beers until at least after midnight.”

“You know, maybe we could see the crime scene. Zack’s house,” Sam suggested.

“We could.” Dean nodded, agreeing with his brother… partially. You could hear the slight tone of question in his voice. He still didn’t see any point in being there.

“Why?” Rebecca looked between the two of them. “I mean, what could you do?”

“Well, me, not much. But Dean’s a cop,” Sam was quick to lie.

Dean laughed… until Sam cut him a glare. Clearing his throat, Dean turned serious. “Detective, actually.”

Rebecca eyed him. “Really?” Dean nodded, prompting her to press for more, “Where?”

“Bisbee, Arizona,” he answered. “But I’m off-duty now.”

“You guys, it’s so nice to offer, but I just,” Rebecca shook her head, “I don’t know.”

Determined to help his friend, Sam insisted, “Bec, look, I know Zack didn’t do this. Now, we have to find a way to prove that he’s innocent.”

After a moment’s pause, she nodded. “Okay. I’m gonna go get the keys.”

You watched her as she walked away, while Dean stepped up to Sam to explain- again- that he didn’t think this was their kind of thing. You didn’t really listen though, as you focused on the hallway Rebecca disappeared down, before turning your attention to the rest of her house.

Her future was dependant on you guys, you realised. Her parents were gone and her brother was locked away. She was a Beta, which meant unless she found someone worth sticking with, she would have a string of boyfriends. Omega and Alpha friends would move on- like Sam- and people would ostracised her because of her brother.

If you didn’t figure out a way to help her, she was going to be alone for most of her life… and that thought killed you, because you knew what it was like to be surrounded by people but not truly belong.

As Sam and Dean stepped into Zack’s house, you stood at the front door with Rebecca. She was looking in, taking in the mess, and the blood, and the police tape. You could feel her worry, and fear, and anxieties.

Sensing the same thing as you, Sam turned to her. “Bec, you wanna wait outside?”

“No.” She shook her head. “I wanna help.” Ducking under the police tape across the doorway, she stepped into the house.

Once she stepped away from the door, you followed her in.

“Tell us what else the police said.”

Rebecca had to fight back tears again, as she responded to Sam, “Well, there’s no sign of a break-in. They say that Emily let her attacker in. The lawyers… they’re already talking about plea bargain.” Her eyes scanned the room, taking in the horror movie scene as she choked on a gasp. “Oh, God….

“Look, Bec, if Zack didn’t do this, it means someone else did,” Sam noted. “Any idea who?”

At first, Rebecca started shaking her head before she seemed to remember something. “Um, there was something, about a week before. Somebody broke in here and stole some clothes. Zack’s clothes. The police, they don’t think it’s anything. I mean, we’re not that far from downtown. Sometimes people get robbed.”

Something caught Sam’s eyes, prompting him to move further into the house. Dean, however, was distracted by the barking dog outside that hadn’t shut up since you’d arrived.

He stepped up to the door and looked out at the angry dog as Rebecca stopped behind him.

“You know, that used to be the sweetest dog,” she told him.

“What happened?” you and Dean asked at the same time.

She shrugged. “He just changed.”

“Do you remember when he changed?” Dean asked.

Thinking about it for a moment, she shrugged again. “I guess around the time of the murder.”

That’s not good...

Walking away from the door, Dean gave you a single look, and that’s all you needed to know to follow. Right behind him, the two of you headed into the hallway where Sam was looking at a picture of himself, Rebecca and Zack. You didn’t miss the happy look on his face in the picture… which was a complete contrast to the conflicted look on his face right now.

“So, the neighbor’s dog went psycho right around the time Zack’s girlfriend was killed,” Dean told his brother.

“Animals can have a sharp sense of the paranormal,” Sam noted.

“Yeah, maybe Fido saw somethin’.”

“So can we assume this is our kind of problem now?” you asked.

Dean turned to give you a pointed look. “‘Our’ problem? You don’t have problems, Y/N. If Dad knew you were even in this house, he’d kill Sam and me. Case or no case, you know you don’t get involved.”

“Then why’d you bring me?” you countered.

“We don’t have a motel room, yet.”

“Could’ve left me at Rebecca’s.”

“I’m not leaving you alone and going off with some other chick. How am I supposed to know you’ll be there when we get back?”

“I don’t have to be alone to leave, Dean. I could walk out the door right now and never look back.”

“Would you two quit it?” Sam hissed, looking over your shoulder to make sure Rebecca hadn’t been listening. “We need to figure out if this is something we can help with, and we can’t do that if you two are bickering like children. So shut up.” Pushing past you, he headed back into the front room where Rebecca was waiting. “Bec, you mentioned security footage. Do you think your lawyers could get them for us?”

“I’ve already got it,” she admitted sheepishly. “I didn’t wanna say something in front of the cop.” Dean chuckled lightly at that. “I stole it off the lawyer’s desk. I just had to see it for myself.”

Grinning from ear to ear, clearly loving Rebecca’s boldness, Dean nodded. “All right. Let’s go watch those tapes.

Sam was focused on the television screen as the security footage tapes rolled. You were sitting on the couch, next to Rebecca, doing your best to ignore the way Dean sat on the arm next to her. How he leaned in to her slightly. He was so Alpha, and it was both annoying and distracting.

“Here he comes.” Rebecca gestured to the screen.

You watched as a hood figure stepped into the line of the camera. Sure enough, it was her brother.

“22:04, that’s just after ten. You said time of death was about 10:30,” Dean noted.

Rebecca nodded. “Our lawyers hired some kind of video expert. He says the tape’s authentic. It wasn’t tampered with.”

“Hey, Bec,” Sam suddenly spoke up, pausing the tapes to turn to the rest of you, “can we take those beers now?”

“Oh, sure.” Rebecca nodded and stood without missing a beat.

Before she could get fr, however, Sam stopped her. “Hey.” When she turned back to him, he asked, “Maybe some sandwiches, too?”

“What do you think this is, Hooters?” she scoffed before leaving the room.

Dean chuckled. “I wish.”

Not a second passed before you elbowed him in the ribs.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Being a douche,” you snapped, pushing off the couch to go stand by Sam. “You saw something.”

He nodded as he rewound the tape. “Check this out.”

As he pressed play, you and Dean watched the screen to see what might’ve caught Sam’s eye. He played it slowly, frame by frame, which allowed you to spot the way Zack’s eyes glowed silver.

“That’s not normal.”

“Or maybe it’s just a camera flare,” Dean argued.

“That’s not like any camera flare I’ve ever seen,” Sam countered. “You know, a lot of cultures believe that a photograph can catch a glimpse of the soul.” He turned away from the screen to look at you and Dean. “Remember that dog that was freakin’ out? Maybe he saw this thing. Maybe this is some kind of dark double of Zack’s, something that looks like him but isn’t him.”

“Like a Doppelganger,” Dean suggested.

You slapped his chest as an idea came to you. “Could be a shifter.”

Glaring down at you, Dean rubbed at his chest. “You’re really violent.”

“You have no idea.”

Munching on a slice of pizza, you were stretched out, laying on your stomach on the bed you were sharing with Dean. He and Sam were at the table, drinking beer and eating as well. They were flicking through their father’s journal and some lore, trying to figure out what the might be dealing with.

Your eyes were on the TV, watching the soap opera rerun without really paying much attention to it. You were more focused on the pizza, to be honest.

Soft talking eventually pulled your gaze from the slice of heaven and glowing screen. Looking over at the brothers, you spotted them glancing over at you here and there.

“We got a problem, boys?” You asked, shifting to sit cross legged on the bed instead.

Looking to Dean, Sam gave Dean a pointed look, raising an eyebrow at him.

Dean sighed, putting his book down before turning to you. “We think you should stay behind tomorrow.”

Your brows furrowed. “Why?”

“This thing is going after girls.”

“Last time I checked, there were billions of girls in the world. Millions in the US. Thousands in this state. Hundreds in this city.” You shrugged. “Pretty sure I’m safe, boys.”

Sam looked from you, to his brother, and then back. Dean didn’t know what to say to make the situation better or to get you to stay. So, Sam decided to give it a go.

“I know you hate being left behind. I get it. And before, I would have argued with Dean, you know I would have. But with this case, I can’t risk worrying about you and everything else at the same time.”

Part of you wanted to question why he’d be worrying about you, but that part was petty and bitchy. Despite the distance between you and Sam, you knew he stilled cared. Perhaps that’s why he kept you at arms length.

“Okay. I’ll stay. But don’t think I’m gonna let you guys keep benching me. You can only keep me locked up for so long.”

Dean nuzzled into your shoulder, causing you to wake with a groan. “What time is it?”

“Five o’clock,” he answered, mouthing at your shoulder.

You groaned again, harder and louder. “In the morning?”

“Sammy woke me up,” he explained just as the shower turned on. “We’ve got some time.”

“Before what? And to do what?”

“Before Sammy gets out of the shower. Before we leave. And to do this…” He pressed himself against you, grinding his hard cock into your ass.

You let out a moan, fingers curling into the sheets as your back arched into him. “Dean.”

“Missed you, ‘mega,” he breathed against the back of your neck as his hand slid down to your panties. “Been too long.” You didn’t stop him as he pulled the cotton to the side, exposing your quickly dampening slit.

He thrust his fingers into your soaked slit, pulling a long whine from your throat.

“Not gonna fuck you. Gonna make you come on these fingers.” He curved them and found your sweet spot. As you started mewling into your pillow, he started bucking his hips against your ass. “Give me a reason to hurry back to you tonight,” he murmured into your hair.

“Dean.” You clawed at the sheets. “Please.”

Picking up the pace, he fucked you harder and faster. The heel of his palm pressed against your clit in just the right way. Before long, you were coming undone, crying into your pillow.

“That’s it. That’s my girl.” His fingers worked you through your climax.

When you were done, he pulled his fingers out. You turned your head and watched as he licked them clean, groaning at your taste. It stirred fresh feelings of arousal in your stomach, making your scent grow thicker in the room.

“Keep doing that and I will fuck you… and knot you,” he warned.

Biting your lip, you thrust your hips against the bed, knowing it just made your scent fill the room even more.

“Sweetheart,” he gave a short grunt, leaning in closer to you. “Sammy is gonna walk in here any second. You want him to see me fucking you breathless?”

His words only made you grind into the sheets harder.

Groaning and shaking his head, he leaned in to capture you lips with his own. You could taste yourself on his lips, and you moaned wanting to lick into his mouth to taste more. Dean rolled you over to your back and settled between your thighs so he could grind against your partially covered slit.

Tearing your lips from him, running your hands through his hair to pull him closer, you whined, “Don’t fuck Rebecca.”

He pulled back slightly to meet your gaze as he continued to grin into you.

As he searched your eyes, you added, “I know you want to, I know I said I’d deal, but I can’t. Please. Don’t come home smelling like her.”

Not a second passed before he nodded. “Okay.”

Fisting your hand in your hair, you pulled him down and crashed his lips onto yours as you came once more.

Dean grunted into your mouth, spilling into his briefs as he kept bucking against you. He didn’t even care that he came in his pants, barely touched, like a teenager.

Breathing heavily, he rolled over and landed on the other side of the bed with a satisfied grin and a chuckle. “Wait for it…”

A few seconds later, the bathroom door opened as Sam stepped out. In an instant he was covering his face and groaning, turning away from the two of you.

“Seriously?!”

Dean just laughed harder, jumping out of bed to go take a shower of his own. “Don’t act like she doesn’t smell like warm pie and perfection, Sam. I know what you’re hiding over there.” He gestured to the way his brother was turned the other way. “Why don’t you go take care of that little ‘problem’ of yours?” He winked before disappearing into the bathroom.

Now alone, Sam and you met each other’s gaze awkwardly.

You opened your mouth to speak, but before you could utter a single sound he was dashing off, hurrying out of the room. With a defeated sigh, you dropped your head onto your pillow and prayed you’d be able to get back to sleep.

Bamby

[sciencespies]

Is Betelgeuse, One of the Sky's Brightest Stars, on the Brink of a Supernova?

https://sciencespies.com/news/is-betelgeuse-one-of-the-skys-brightest-stars-on-the-brink-of-a-supernova/

Is Betelgeuse, One of the Sky's Brightest Stars, on the Brink of a Supernova?

One of the sky’s brightest lights is losing its shine.

Since the start of December, the star Betelgeuse – the gleaming right shoulder of the constellation Orion – has been rapidly growing dim. Just 650 light-years from Earth, it’s usually the ninth most luminous star in the sky. Right now, it wouldn’t even break the top 20.

Betelgeuse is a “variable” star, known for wild fluctuations in its brightness, but scientists have never recorded it changing quite so fast. Such strange behaviour from a beloved star has them wondering: Is this a sign that Betelgeuse is about to explode?

Astronomers know that day is bound come. Betelgeuse is at least 15 times more massive than the sun and wide enough that, if we moved it to our solar system, it would extend past the orbit of Jupiter. “Supergiants” like this tend to live fast and die young, and Betelgeuse’s red colour indicates that it has already moved to one of the last stages of a star’s life: fusing helium atoms into ever-heavier elements, which it occasionally spews into space. The carbon in your cells and the oxygen in your lungs was made this way, borne across the universe on the sighs of a dying sun.

Eventually, all the material in the core will become iron – an element too heavy for further fusion. The star will succumb to the intense inward crush of its own gravity. Betelgeuse will go supernova.

“But I’m not holding my breath for it,” said Miguel Montargès, an astrophysicist at Catholic University – Leuven in Belgium.

Though Betelgeuse is near the end of its life span, it could still be as long as 100,000 years before the star begins its death throes. And although the star’s behaviour is unusual, it’s not unheard of. Stories told by aboriginal Australians suggest they observed the red star flickering hundreds, if not thousands, of years before anyone began tracking it with telescopes.

Using a suite of telescopes on a mountaintop in Chile, Montargès plans to investigate two more likely explanations for Betelgeuse’s dimming. It could be the product of gigantic convection cells inside the star that carry bright, hot material from the interior to its surface and bring cooler, darker matter back into its depths. Or it may be the result of gas clouds condensing into dust that blocks the star’s light. Both phenomena are common around red supergiant stars, and they fit with models that suggest Betelgeuse is tens of thousands of years away from exploding.

“For now, I see no reason to assume something else,” Montargès said.

Still, the scientist admitted he has a long-running New Year’s tradition of wishing for a supernova. When the clock strikes midnight on Jan. 1, he’ll be hoping 2020 will prove him wrong.

After all, no one knows the signs of an impending stellar explosion. Scientists can sometimes catch a supernova just after it happens, then search back through old images to find the star from whence it came. But the weeks and days leading up to the event are cloaked in mystery.

“We’ve never observed a star and said, ‘that star is going to die as a supernova,'” said Emily Levesque, an astronomer at the University of Washington and an expert on the life cycles of red supergiants. “That’s very much something we still need to learn.”

“I honestly think that’s why Betelgeuse is such a favourite target,” she continued. “It’s a very nearby massive star, and we know it is in the final life stage before it dies, so people have always kept one close eye on it.”

If Betelgeuse does explode, we will be treated to a light show for the ages. For a few weeks, the star would be an incredibly bright dot in our sky, glowing strong enough to be visible by day and cast shadows by night.

“No one would be able to miss it when they looked up,” Levesque said.

And once they saw it, no one would be able to forget it. Archaeological records, oral histories and written observations show that nearby supernovas leave an indelible impact on any human fortunate enough to witness them. A cave painting in New Mexico’s Chaco Canyon is thought to depict the explosion that produced the Crab nebula in 1054. Half a millennium later, when a “new and unusual” star briefly appeared in the constellation Cassiopeia, Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe proclaimed it “a miracle.”

Some scientists have suggested that nearby supernovas might do more than simply shine. The radioactive element iron-60, which is produced in huge quantities when a star explodes, has been discovered in rock layers on the ocean floor – a powerful suggestion that at least some debris from dying stars has made its way to our planet.

In 2016, in a pair of studies in the journal Nature, researchers examined these deep sea rocks in an effort to trace the iron back to supernovas. The evidence, the scientists said, points to two recent explosions happening within a few hundreds light-years of Earth; one that occurred between 6.5 and 8.7 million years ago, and another between 1.7 and 3.2 million years ago.

Coincidentally, these time frames overlap with periods when Earth’s climate shifted and its inhabitants evolved. The earlier event corresponds with the end of the Miocene, when temperatures dropped and humanity’s ancestors diverged from our chimpanzee cousins. The later one matches up to start of the last ice age and the emergence of our genus, Homo. Research suggests human evolution was prompted by climate change, and although there’s no known link between supernovas and cold temperatures, it’s conceivable that climate change could be prompted by radiation from exploding stars.

But this is largely speculation. Montargès and Levesque were both confident that an outburst from Betelgeuse, if and when it happens, will have no measurable effect on our planet. The red supergiant is not the type of star that produces high energy gamma radiation when it explodes. And it is distant enough that the only debris to reach Earth will be tiny neutrinos, detectable with none but the most sensitive scientific instruments.

If anything changes in the wake of Betelgeuse’s dimming, it will be because humans decided to change it.

Montargès knows what change he is hoping for. According to a global survey published in 2016, an estimated one-third of people on Earth today – and 80 percent of Americans – cannot view the Milky Way. Unless steps are taken to combat light pollution, billions of people will live and die without seeing stars like the ones that created almost all their atoms. They will never know the lights that inspired our ancestors’ stories, helped them tell time, pointed them in the right direction as they navigated the globe.

“The night sky is our heritage, and we’re losing our connection to it,” Montargès said. “And because we’re part of the universe, we are stardust . . . we’re losing our connection to ourselves.”

Perhaps none of us will get to see Betelgeuse go supernova. But maybe, just maybe, the fading light of this aging star can help humans find our way home.

© The Washington Post 2019

#News

[jdketchwrites]

Novel Excerpt

I’ve been a bit negligent of the Tumbles lately. Mostly because this novel revision has devoured my life. I recently came across something that convinced me that all is not lost. Here’s a chapter from my book that not only do I not hate, but actually think is some of my best writing. So, throwing caution to the wind, I’m posting it here for your reading enjoyment, and to prove that I don’t just drink whiskey and surf facebook...

Chapter 9: The Deadman's Switch

Callie and Twist ascended the main staircase from the rail platforms. The city-station opened up into a grand chamber off of the tracks. A brick-lined network of chambers and ante-chambers each containing blocks of buildings and pathways. If not for the glass-network overhead, the space above the buildings would easily be mistaken for night sky rather than the buttresses and beams of a brick-lined vaulted ceiling.  Past the merchant alleys and commercial corridors of the central Galleria, the open storefronts and glass-front business give way to private quarters and residences. Periodically, the smell of food will waft down a hallway denoting the presence of a restaurant somewhere down that particular branch. And just as the hustle and bustle of commerce and trade give way to restaurants and apartments, so does the spread of wealth. The further back the branches are the darker they are. The helios is only projected so far before the rate of decay for the light is too great. Especially in a Station like Alisade, outside of Hypogean jurisdiction due to being in the Lower Q. Without regular maintenance and monitoring from the Menders of the Glass-setters, some rows of the station saw little light at all. Most resorted to gas-lamps or the sort, as stored electricity was a rare commodity. They headed down a back alley several paths off of the central Promenade, past the reach of the glass network that no matter what time of day the inhabitants relied on gas lamps or electric light.

It was down one of these darkened corridors. The tile floors made slippery with soot from the gas-lamps, behind a plain door with the initials DMS atop a glyph of a rail lever set into a circle with the top left quarter cut out was where Callie and Twist had found themselves to relieve themselves of contraband cargo and avail themselves of drinks to stave off the negativity of the last two days in transit.

The Deadman’s Switch was a bar owned and operated by a Canine Fauna by the name of Jaxx. He mostly used the bar as a de facto meeting place for Freelance and Privateer train operators. Alisade Station was at the edge of the Wild Q and run by the Sikorsky Firm. Callie and Twist were contracted Privateers for the Sikorsky Firm, and as such MadCap Sikorsky had a hand in nearly every deal they made, as well as just about any deal made in the entire station.  Sikorsky was the biggest firm, and the more dangerous, as MadCap still tried for an illusion of legitimacy, even going so far as to take contracts from the Timekeepers in the Wheel proper. But that sheen legitimacy sat atop a ruthless iron fist that brokered no leniency for anything unsanctioned. Tucked away in one of the darker wall-side alleys the Deadman’s was as good a place as any to attempt an anonymous deal or two.

They stepped through the surreptitiously marked door into the gaslight of the bar proper. It was a small space, built for purpose more than looks. Rough-hewn root-wood tables and cheap metal stools. The bar was made of pipe fittings holding up a concrete slab of a bar top. There were a few darkened booths in the back for private deals and those that preferred to drink alone. There was a gas-lit lighting fixture hanging from the center of the ceiling that appeared to be made from a repurposed train wheel.

Behind the bar, the proprietor, Jaxx was cleaning a glass until he looked up and saw them enter.

“Hey!” he barked, his voice was sharp but not aggressive. Callie and Twist had known him for a long time. His reputation for being able to fetch just about anything someone would want was legendary around the Lower Q. His willingness to use privateer operators working freelance on the sly was less known, and it was that discretion that Callie liked best about the hound-dog bartender.

Like most fauna, Jaxx looked mostly human. He had light colored skin and a full black beard, save for white patch down the center of his chin. His black hair was full but short and his eyes were brown and soulful. Besides the black furred tail protruding from his lower back, the only other fauna feature he exhibited were longer than normal canines and hair covered ears with a slight flop to them. He smiled brightly at them and set a couple of glasses up on the bar.

“What’ll it be for my two favorite operators in the Quarter?”

“Jaxx, I know you’re just saying that because we’ve got cargo for you.” Said Twist, settling in on a stool.

“Doesn’t mean I like you any less. But since you mention it…” Replies Jaxx suggestively.

“Platform 11, and I’ll have a pratai, neat.” Said Callie, warily.

“Wouj dlo, for me. Make it a double.” Twist followed up.

“Wow, must’ve been a rough couple days on the tracks. You guys don’t usually go for the hard stuff,” he said, pouring the drinks after telling two of his employees the platform number and seeing them leave. This was standard procedure for working freelance with Jaxx. He never handled the cargo directly and that gave him plausible deniability at all times. Operators came into the station with cargo. Parked the cargo at an out of the way platform, came to the bar, told him the platform number. He would tell his employees the location, and they would confirm retrieval of the cargo from the platform while the operator and Jaxx had a drink. Once the employees contacted Jaxx with confirmation of the goods, he paid the operators and they were on their way. “We got ambushed by the Mechanics on the inner rim line,” said Twist. At this Jaxx nearly drops the bottle of wouj dlo he’d just poured from.

“I thought the Klaxxon was off limits to the Mechanics,” he said. Callie really wished he hadn’t. Twist was suspicious enough of her link to the zealot group as is.

“Turns out otherwise,” She says dismissively as she takes a drink of the pratai or potato liquor. Not her usual drink but definitely called for to calm her nerves.

“You know that’s one of the primary reasons I use you guys right? I mean the Klaxxon’s fast and all but it’s not worth the bedlam should MadCap find out you’re freelancing for me,” he said,

“Look, it’s unusual for the damn suicides to be working the inner rim line as well, so I’m sure it was an isolated incident. Right, Callie?” Said Twist, looking at her rather eagerly.

“Yeah, I’m sure it is,” she says, downing her drink. She gestures for another. She should be relieved that Twist has her back, but she could also tell by his tone that there would be compensation in return.

****

Callie and Twist had been at the bar waiting for confirmation on their cargo from his men when another train crew came into the bar. Callie recognized them immediately and she immediately bristled.

“Don’t look now, but our day just got worse.” Callie said under her breath to Twist, “The Torque is here.”

“Wow, they should raise the standards on who they let in here.” Said Twist, looking over his second glass of wouj dlo. Callie could smell the sweet red liquor, distilled from beets, from where she was sitting.  

“I heard that, furball,” said Jaxx, making a point of not looking at the crew coming in the door.  “Can’t afford to discriminate at the door. Trust me if I could I would.” He replied under his breath.

The train crew that had come in was the Torque, a rival privateer train contracted by the Kobold Firm. Both firms were basically criminal organizations. However, the Sikorsky Firm maintained a certain appearance of legitimacy and such as things are in the Lower Q, tended toward the shadier side of the moral spectrum. Not that the Kobold firm or the Torque’s crew were any better. They were true mercenaries and would take any job for the right amount of Coin. The difference being, they were just honest about being thieves.  

“Callie, don’t look at him and maybe, just maybe we can get out of this without him--”

“Well, well well, if it innit the Klaxxon…” says one of the two Torque operators.

“Bugger all, it’s Kline.”

Humboldt Kline, the engineer of the Torque was considerably shorter than Callie but just slightly taller than Twist. He was wearing dirty coveralls with an incredibly old leather jacket over it that looked as though it might have been a TDA uniform jacket at one time, however, the patches have been removed. It was unclear if the man was once a Timekeeper or a Dispatch Agent or if he took the jacket off of one of them.

“Word is, you’ve been away for a bit. What’s MadCap got you doing these days?” He asked suspiciously. Sidling up to the bar taking the seat directly to the right of Callie. Rake, his Engineer settled in the booth next to Twist.

“What brings the Torque to Alisade? Fair ways from Tyrmel Station.” Asked Twist, deflecting the question.

“Funny you should ask that, Red. See we just got back from a salvage job just the far side of Clocktower Station over in the Root Quarter,” He said, “Little favor for the Tick-Tock’s, y’know.” He said, with an annoying wink. Kline seemed far too pleased with himself for Callie to be comfortable and way too chatty.

“Word from one of the Agent’s we were working with is someone or another sparked the network just inside the Stone Q without paper. You wouldn’t know anything about that now, would you?” Kline’s partner was sitting with his back to the bar. He was doing his best to stay calm but Callie could feel Twist tense up and one hand was now resting on the hilt of one of his knives while the other still held his drink.

“All they get is a signal spark? Could have been a local roamer.” Said Callie, playing it cool, or trying to.

“The Dispatch sent the Triumph to investigate. And they’re claiming there was a freelance operator on the track that just vanished.” Said, Rake.

“For a supposedly tough as nails privateer, you suddenly seem very chummy with the TDA.” Said Twist. Callie really didn’t like where this was going. She knew Twist thought Kline was a blowhard but really hated Rake. She put her hand on Twists arm to reassure him. He relaxed some but still didn’t take his hand off his knife.

“Chummy with the Tick-tock’s?! Ha! That’s rich coming from MadCap’s hotshot crew. Word is she’s setting up a long-term contract with the big man Exeter hisself.” Kline said. “Seems like the way things are gonna be for all us independents out here. Firms aren’t going to be any better than the Dispatch itself.”

“Yeah, well we’re just trying to stay rolling. MadCap makes that happen for the time being.” Said Callie, finishing her drink. She motioned for Twist to leave. Jaxx stopped them.

“Hey, Callie. Your tab?”

“Bill it to my usual account.” She said, confirming to Jaxx where their payment should go for the freelance job. Thankful of the discrete code. She and Twist made to leave. Just as they were about to reach the door Kline spoke up again.

“Funny thing, that Dispatch train, the Triumph, also said there was a whole mess of Zen Mechanics on the tracks. Looking like they’d been in quite the scuffle and lost. But when the survivors were asked what train they got into it with, they all seem to have memory loss.” Callie knew why the Mechanics weren’t talking, she just didn’t want to admit it. Least of all in front of Kline and Rake.

“Everyone knows the Mechanics are nuts. It’s why we call them suicides.” she countered. “Just saying, aren’t many trains in the wheel can pull off a ‘vanishing act’ and be covered by the Mechanics after an attack.” Said Kline, “MadCap might be paying the bills for now, but should her toy train get caught stepping out? Wouldn’t want to see that happen.”

“That a threat Kline?” Challenged Twist. Callie rolled her eyes because she realized they’d been baited.

“Nope, a friendly warning. If an old Privateer like me can figure it out. Won’t take long for your boss.”

[sitavnabi]

How I Saved $10000 in 10 Months

I’m not a saver by birth. I like to spend money. I view money as only one type of currency, not the most valuable one. Time comes first in the ranks, followed by energy, and then comes money. Money is not and has never been particularly valuable to me. It rarely ever brought me happiness but I was convinced while growing up that my net worth was a reflection of my self worth.

I never liked the idea of being frugal. I didn’t enjoy having to go without to prepare for a future emergency. For the last three years I have made a pretty consistent yearly amount through tutoring, babysitting, administrative tasks, and other similar odd jobs. But, I lived like I made a lot more. I wasn’t spending on luxuries and going out. I was just spending more than I had on things that I needed, or seemed to need. I became increasingly worried about not having enough money.

The fear of not having enough money, instilled into me at such a young age added to this terror churning inside me. I went to bed and woke up in frenzy of overwhelming nausea and tears.

But one day, after a particularly bad incident with a client, I decided that enough was enough. This particular client generously offered to pay my semester tuition in full in exchange for unlimited tutoring. Eternally grateful, I accepted. This client proceeded to give me the run around for four weeks and on the final day, had me drive over 30 miles from town to town chasing her for the check. After a grueling three hours, she called to let me know that she was in the hospital and her husband never agreed to give me the money.

I was embarrassed, humiliated, exhausted, spent, and so ashamed of myself for letting this person take advantage of me and exploit my needs. It was in that moment that I decided to stop letting money have any hold on me whatsoever. I was going to manage my money; it was not going to manage me.

I joined Frugal Families on Facebook and gathered several books to help me. I read Ana Newell Jones, Amy Dacyzyn, and Dave Ramsey among countless others. (I don’t necessarily recommend this but I like to read so it was a win win) You can get similar information by watching Youtube videos or short articles.

Through all my collectives, I found that managing finances and saving money comes down to a pretty simple idea: don’t spend money. But, my problem, along with many people, isn’t that I didn’t know HOW to save money, but that I couldn’t convince myself of WHY.

My thinking of money was all screwed up! I associated saving with withholding, going without, deprivation, dependence, poverty, and unhappiness. I held money in the top tier of my self esteem and felt that I needed it to prove to people that they should respect me. Putting $1000 in the bank and not touching it is infinitely easier than learning to love yourself if you don’t already. Once your self esteem has been tied into how much money you spend, its a tough knot to untangle.

So, I took these baby steps ( to all my Dave Ramsey fans out there). It took me a couple months to compile all these steps and even longer to start to truly follow all of them. I am 23 years old, I make about 24K a year, I am a part time college student, and I don’t have any kids or dependents. A lot of people may be discouraged from reading this article because maybe I don’t fit their demographic, make more or less, have fewer expenses or some other excuse. They may be right. I don’t know how well these steps may work for other people and I definitely cannot guarantee any results. It’s just a look into my own experience. But, if you want to break the ball and chain of money has around your ankle or maybe even save up $10000, grab a notebook and at least give this a try!

1.

Remove people from your life that you feel value money too much. These people are easy to identify: who in your life do you feel judges you the most? Limit contact with these people for a set period of time (maybe forever), or just until you save $10000. These people breed thoughts of inadequacy and manipulate us into spending money we don't need and becoming people we don't want to be, i.e. a woman in the Tightwad Gazette who admitted that she spent more money on her wealthy nephew’s Christmas presents than her own children.

2. 

Write down your goals, hopes and dreams (not financial goals). What kind of person are you now and what do you hope will change after you become financially stable? Where do you see yourself in ten years? What would you do if you had a million dollars? What are some things about your life that you wish you could change? Why can’t you? What are aspects of life that you are grateful for? What is your dream career? What are some of your insecurities and fears? Ask yourself all these questions and any more you can think of. This should be a private journal entry that you can look back to so, be as open as you can for yourself.

3.

Write down your financial goals. How much money do you want to save? My goal was $20,000.

4.

Analyze your spending. Print out the last few months of your bank statements. Make a list. In and out. What went into the bank account and what went out. This is on the bottom of every monthly statement.

5. 

Categorize all the items that went “out”. I use a pretty simple system for this: necessary and not necessary. Rent, car payments, gas, and doctors are needs. Mcdonald’s, make up, even buying books instead of borrowing them are not necessary. Be careful not to categorize non necessities as “wants”. This implies a careless decision was made and that we should feel bad or embarrassed about it. Our money is ours and we may choose to spend it however we wish. Remember that we want to feel more confident in our decisions through this process.

6.

Evaluate your needs list. Obviously rent and car payments can’t be negotiated down but if all your needs eat up more than half your income, see if anything can change. In my personal example, I had a car payment of $198/month. During the summer months, when babysitting jobs were scarce, I only made about $900/month. Coupled with rent, I had $100 left over every month to survive on. The solution was not easy, short term, or inexpensive. I had to buy a used car and get rid of my lease, find another side gig for the summer, or find a cheaper place to stay.

7.

Evaluate your non necessities list.Create a category for every expense (eating out, crafts, shopping, subscriptions) and then prioritize them in order of used. If you spent $300 this month on books, it goes to the top of the list. Next, think about what you could and couldnt live without. Put those in order too. Note: this does not mean cutting everything out. Think about what is important to you and what can change. Just because something isnt a basic need, does not mean it is not important. For me, going out with friends, and a small budget to grab some fast food if I was still hungry after lunch meant a lot. So those went to the top of my list.

8.

For future reference, I recommend using a debit card as cash to be able to track all your purchases. So this baby step is get a debit card at a bank that is near you with a safe and convenient ATM. Commit to putting cash onto the card in small amounts to avoid temptation, but often, like once a week. I never keep more than $50 available on my debit card at any time. I have worked my weekly amount down to just $15, just enough to eat out twice a week.

9.

PAY DAY. If you are like me and don’t have a regular deposit schedule, make one and keep to it. Be flexible about how often and how much you want to see your money grow. I tried a bi-weekly deposit schedule but learned that I prefer looking at how much I made at the end of the week. So, I deposit money into my account every Friday.

10.

You have money, now what do you do with it?? Consult your needs list and put aside the amount that you cannot change this month. Pay your bills immediately. 

11.

What is left over? Budget your non-necessities and leave that in your account. Take whatever is left and shove it into your savings account.

12.

Reconsider your budget. This is the part when you slowly trick your brain into enjoying frugality. Remember that amount that you shoved into savings? No you don’t! Next month, create your budget without that chunk of savings, so immediately after payday, shove it into your savings account after bills and before non-necessities. Don’t be discouraged if you have to touch your savings account because you went over budget. Just try to average out the same amount for 3-4 months. Also, even $5 is a hefty deposit amount if you’ve been picking away at your account for the past 6 months. Be proud of yourself for any and all progress!

This last step was very helpful to me because it helped me become more and more creative about how to live on less. I learned to prioritize my hobbies, treated myself sparingly, and invest time I had in place of money I didn’t have. Overall, I became much happier than I was.

Another tip, I’d like to include is to be kinder to yourself. In hindsight it is easy to look at my expenses and realize I could’ve put a little more away here and there but I have no regrets about the mistakes I have made. Step 4 was arguably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life; analyze my mistakes and have compassion for myself. Even going forward, the continued slip ups I had taught me more about myself and helped me to make better decisions the next time.

I know this article seemingly boils down to taking a portion of your income and putting it into a savings account. But quite honestly, it has nothing to do with money. I have calculated that I could have put an extra $5000 away in the last ten months if I had really stuck to my needs, but that wasn’t the point. I wanted to live a life without the fear of money: not having enough, always wanting more. I was afraid to check my bank balance and I couldn’t resist a great sale that added to my net worth. Since I started my journey to financial stability, I don’t worry as much about what I have. That isn’t because I have a lot, but because I always know exactly what I had and I am confident about my ability to work with it.  It shifted my mentality of depending on money to take care of me to realizing that only I am responsible and capable of taking care of myself and money is just one of many tools that can help me. Break the chain!

[xcastlex-blog1]

Part 6

Franks pov

I woke to the annoying Y/N L/N trying to shake me awake, I was completely exhausted and wanted to keep sleeping I wish I could sleep forever... but I wasn’t finished with killing and hurting the people that hurt my family. She shook me agian .

“FRANK ... what’s that noise” she whispered

I listened in just to hear the tracks rumbling.

“It’s a fucking train sweetheart”

I sat up ruffled my hair ,rubbed my neck, and immediately started making coffee as the train loudly passed when it was over I piped up .

“So how did my head end up on your lap anyways?”

She pulled on her jean jacket ,grabbed bread and started smearing peanut butter on it.

“You looked uncomfortable up agianst the wall so I thought you could lay down for a little while... and it probably helped because you didn’t have another nightmare.”

She handed me a peanut butter sandwich and started making herself one.

I sighed “don’t do that agian”

She looked me in the eyes and laughed a little

“Do what make you a sandwich ?”

“ I told you people that get close to me die ...“ I said it in a very aggressive tone and started eating my sandwich and drinking my black coffee

She stood and brushed off her jeans with her hands

“ I need to use the bathroom” she quietly said she and walked away farther into the train tunnel

I sat back and ate while staring at the ceiling thinking of my wife Maria ... and my kids thinking about how life could have been .

Pretty soon Y/N came walking out of the darkness now with her hair pulled back and her jacket buttoned up.

“Frank I need to go to the store or something....” she quietly said

I sat up “whys that ?”

She pulled out her wallet and grabbed some cash out .

“Lady issues I won’t be long”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea ... we are still wanted and probably in some deep shit..”

She just started to walk off

“Where are you going?”

She turned around and yelled

“THE STORE”

“I ain’t gonna protect you, if you don’t come back that’s not my problem!”

She stuck up her middle finger

“I never asked you to protect me!” And she just kept walking.

I started putting on my boots and black hoodie so I could go visit my old house from a far .

Readers POV

_______________________

as soon as I exited the train tunnel I started weeping and sat on the edge of the tunnel ...

I had gotten my period and folded up my white t-shirt and shoved it in my underwear as a pad the brightness of the sky made my head pound and it didn’t help that I was mortified that I now didn’t have a shirt , clean pair of panties ,or tampons. I just sat and cried...

Soon I heard foot steps getting closer to the edge of the tunnel so I quickly stood and walked up the embankment and started heading left to a nearest Walmart or Walgreens ... any store that would have what I needed would do. As I started crossing a bridge I could see Frank exit the tunnel with his hood up he was heading the exact opposite direction of me.

I wiped my eyes as I walked on my journey and started thinking of things I needed, soon I stumbled upon a shell gas station and went in

I picked up a box of tampons and baby wipes and started to check out

“Where is the nearest place I can buy clothing?”

I asked the elderly lady at the counter , she just grunted as a response and gave me my total.

“12.83” she said mumbling

I handed her a 20$ then took my change , self care items ,and now I was in search of a clothing store...

Franks pov

_______________________

My nose was probably red at this point from the freezing rain but I was almost there.. probably about a block or so to go, I was starting to regret taking Y/N with me, back to where I was staying.

When I finally reached the rundown house I sat in the wet grass and leaned up agianst a stump a few houses down ... I didn’t want any of my old neighbors to see me and call the police so I pulled my hood farther down and just watched ...

I watched the rain hit he windows and thought about my life ... how I planned on asking Maria for another baby hoping it would fix our marriage, my nightmares and interest in what was going in Kandahar killed the marriage but I didn’t realize until I came back ... I came back that split second when they were killed but now , I’m convinced I’m not a good man ... and I’m not safe to be around.

The rain was now unbearable but I couldn’t move I saw it as punishing myself I guess ... I should have protected them but now all I can do is protect myself and where I live ...

After an hour of sitting and watching water pour out of the gutters I finally decided I should go and started heading back to the train tunnel.

________________________________

Readers pov

I found cheap granny panties and a new shirt I threw my old underwear and shirt in the garbage and changed in a back ally way behind a dollar tree.

My shoes were soaked and my hair looked like wild mike from that stupid barnyard movie that my daughter was obsessed with when she was 3 ... I still dreamt of her every now and then but it had been years now since she died in 2007

It was a car accident... Greg didn’t strap her car seat in probably and the whole seat flew out the window ... with her in it. That was the day I wanted to split but was stuck with him until this last year .

I was now on my way back to the tunnel I really didn’t want to go but I needed to grab my wallet I settled on the idea of buying a hotel room or something the rain was finally setting I didn’t notice it was raining until it stopped I guess I was so out of it from walking and all I could focus on were my cramps ...

When I finally was able to drag my feet back to the tunnel I walked in and heard a guitar being quietly played when I was a few feet away from the tent, I just stood and listened... when it was done I climbed in and he acted like he didn’t even know how to play when I showed my face.

“That was beautiful...”

He just grunted “ shut up”

I grabbed my wallet and counted my cash, I had $650.00.

“I should get a hotel”

He laid back

“That’s just fine dear I’m not making you stay”

I sighed

“You can come if you want”

And started to walk off

“I’m fine right where I am girly”

I turned around

“If you need me I’ll be at the motel 6 down the road”

He didn’t say anything back ... just rolled over and drifted off to sleep.

I finally exited the tunnel and started waking towards the motel six I saw while looking for clothes.

I was able to get a room no problem, it wasn’t the best room but pretty good for a motel six besides the fact my neighbors were loudly screwing ... I immediately ran the shower and started to strip

Inside of the shower were two little bottles of shampoo and conditioner and one little bar of soap. I washed the best I could ,let my hair soak with conditioner ,and massaged my head.

When I was finished I stared in the mirror at my healing bruises ,busted lip , and bruised hands and knuckles.

My stomach ached from being kicked in the gut and back ... period cramps weren’t helping either.

I slipped on my plain black shirt that I bought earlier and a white pair of underwear which wasn’t my first choice considering my bloody situation but I had no other option.

I slid under the sheets and rested my head on the pillow ready to have a good nights sleep since what happened. I eventually drifted ... not sure what time.

What seemed like the best sleep in my life was interrupted by a loud banging, I thought it was my neighbors fucking agian but then I realized the second time it was on my door.

I spun my head toward the alarm clock and read the bright red numbers

2:46 am

I got out of the bed and looked out the peephole and saw a fimillar figure, I immediately opened the door and cocked my head.

“Frank it’s three in the morning you should have come when I wasn’t sleeping”

I whispered in an annoyed tone

He was panting and looked like he ran here.

“I had a nightmare...”

I shook my head “come in”

I turned on a lamp to enlighten the pitch black room

When he realized I was in my underwear I noticed he became uncomfortable and couldn’t sit still.

“Do you want the bed or the couch?” I asked with a hand on my hip

He just rubbed the back of his head and mumbled “couch”

I grabbed him the top blanket from my bed and threw it on the couch and started to climb back into bed.

Before I could turn out the lights he spoke with a trembling voice...

“Have you ever lost ...someone?”

I sat up“What do you mean by that?”

He rubbed his stubble on his chin

“Lost someone close to you? Death ... them leaving... never seeing them again?”

I nodded and ran my fingers through my hair

“I lost my daughter in 2007... in a car accident”

Ok so the chapter isn’t over I just ran out of text blocks so there will be another chapter 6 just letting you know it’s gonna get juicy 🍵🤪

[little-mini-me-world]

Birth by Wish, Chapter 1 - Initium (Preview) FFXV X PMMM

A/N: OMG I’m shaking y’all! It’s the very first fic I have ever posted and it’s also going to be a long on.

This is what I have written so far for the beginning of Chapter 1 for the prequel to Magica XV, which is set during the events in FFXV, before the actual timeline for the game. The prequel is set in the Brotherhood Era while Noctis, Prompto, and our OCs Daisy and Reina are in high school.

Magica XV is a crossover between Final Fantasy XV and Puella Magi Magica Madoka that @eatmorepie and I have been planning for months in advance. We’ve created our babies Daisy and Reina with bits of ourselves in them so we hope you guys will enjoy their journey with us as they grow! Together we decided that only one of us will post the fic and the other would post any artwork that we may come up with, so I will be posting the fic on my blog and @eatmorepie will post the artwork. :) 

I am still writing and proofreading Chapter 1 of Birth by Wish and will hopefully post the full chapter here soon! I want to tag some friends and people I admire in the FFXV fandom that I know of here and well, hopefully get some feedback on what I can improve on!

Tagging: @eatmorepie, @scribblindown, @themissimmortal, @ariaahh, @averyverymary, @forever-with-the-fallen, @gudetamazing, @atroniascreamsube, @lencilenlen, @nifwrites, @destiny-islanders, @birdsandivory, @chelbell89, @littleblackdragonchronicle, @alicemoonwonderland, @parjiljehavey

I’ll add more people to the tag once I have more time, I swear I follow too many blogs to keep track of them all! Please leave a comment or submit an ask if you would like to be tagged for future updates for the Magica XV series.

Thank you for taking your time to read this and I hope you enjoy!

“Rei! Come on, we gotta go home. Dad’s gonna have Cream Crustacean Omelette tonight!”

“No.”

“Rei I swear to the Six, if you don’t end this round right now, I’m gonna bite you.”

“Daisy, you know I gotta train for the next competition! I need to pay for that concert ticket.”

Daisy sighed, “You know how I get when I’m hungry. And besides, my dad’s finally home and staying the night at home instead of going off on a mission or sleeping at the Citadel. You can live without training for one full night for the Rhythm game competition!” She was exasperated, it had been a long day of school and being the President of Sewing Club at Insomnia High School added even more stress on her shoulders. There were expenses that she had to calculate and work out to pay at the school bank with their funds and the staff haven’t been quick in signing the reimbursement papers.

“You can’t do that. You have to go all out ‘cause it’s all or nothing.” Reina argued. Daisy gave her a look.

All she wanted to do for the rest of the night was to enjoy a nice, warm meal with Reina and her dad, Hastam Fortem. Her dad was apart of the famed Kingsglaive, the king’s elite force of soldiers, sworn to serve and protect Lucis from any and all enemies. And, as he was apart of such a group of soldiers, he was sent outside of the walls of Insomnia and was occasionally home for long periods of time.

It was only the two of them, after her mother, Rosalina Fortem, had cheated on Hastam with their neighbor, Gordon Jackson, a paroled convict at the time. She was unhappy with her marriage to Hastam, with the fact that his wage was not generous and he was rarely at home to satisfy her and her spending habits. During her affair with Gordon, Rosalina had committed several acts of felony against many of the wealthy people in the rich district with him.

Together, they had stolen from over five families and they were caught by the authorities at last, only after the fact they had killed a couple who were sleeping in the house the two had pillaged. They would have gotten away with it however, if Hastam had not reported Rosalina and Gordon to the detectives assigned to the case after discovering some of the jewelry they had taken in his and Rosalina’s shared bedroom. Gordon and Rosalina were arrested on December 10, 743, but it was not the last of what the three would hear from them.

After the ordeal with his ex-wife, Hastam spent his free time in Insomnia with Daisy, his daughter by blood, and Reina, his daughter by bond. Hastam has been taking care of them both after the death of Reina’s parents, as he knew Valentina Videre, Reina’s mother, a member of the Glaive, and her husband, Cecil Videre, before Daisy and Reina were born.

They had met an untimely death on their way back home from a night out on a date they had died in a car crash when Reina was eight on December 24, 743, on Christmas Eve.

It appeared to be just a car accident at first. It was only revealed that it was a contracted hit after members of the Glaive had gotten involved in the investigation. After their conviction, Gordon and Rosalina had threatened Hastam that he would get payback for what he did. Rosalina knew that Hastam had suspicions that she has been stealing from the wealthy of Insomnia, after the incident where he found and confronted her about the stolen jewelry he recognized from the couple who was reported to have been killed by them. Gordon had paid one of his associates to kill Hastam, on one of the nights where Daisy and Reina were staying at the Videre residence, while he drove back from dropping off Daisy at Reina’s. Little did his associate know, that night Hastam had convinced Valentina and Cecil to take off from watching the kids at their house and offered to watch them instead.

Fate was not kind to the Videre family that night.

Cecil was a civilian, and therefore did not see Valentina as often as they both would’ve liked. Hastam had been the one to encourage Cecil to pursue the confident, radiant woman and continued to support the couple. One of the many things he did was to help the couple have their date nights often, something he regretfully did not do much with his marriage to Rosalina, so that they could spend time together as a couple, rather than just as parents. Valentina and Cecil decided to have a Christmas Eve dinner date at the diner they frequented before their angel, Reina, was born. They had taken Hastam’s car, which he had insisted since his was refueled with enough gas to last the trip to the diner and back. They left at around 5:00PM and promised to be back at 9:00PM since they had work the next day.

Hastam stayed up and had the girls in bed by 8:30PM and waited for the two until he fell asleep at 10:05PM. He had gotten a call from the Insomnia Police Department that Valentina and Cecil had passed away in the early hours when a driver had passed by the wreckage. Hastam immediately called in the members of the Glaive and enlisted their help in the investigation. With their expertise, they swiftly found out who Gordon’s associate was.

He was only known in the underground world of Insomnia as “The Silencer”. The Insomnia Police Department assembled one of their SWAT team together to apprehend “The Silencer” who was rumored to reside in an abandoned building in the outskirts of the city near the wall.  By a stroke of luck, they managed to capture “The Silencer” and put him through interrogation, which the Glaives helped with as they have experience in interrogating the most dangerous individuals in Eos. After two days, he confessed that Gordon and Rosalina had put out the hit on Hastam, not on the Videre couple.

Following the confession, Gordon and Rosalina were put on trial yet again in court and their sentence was changed to life in prison for theft, grand theft auto, and first degree murder, “The Silencer” was charged with first degree murder as well. Hastam and the glaives had taken over the duty of planning the funeral for Valentina and Cecil. Reina’s aunt was out of town on a business trip and could not spare the time to plan the funeral herself as “she could not allow any distractions to stop her from achieving her career and dreams”, not even Valentina’s and Cecil’s funeral service. However, she was forced to take legal custody of Reina as her only living relative, and was required to provide Reina a place to stay until she was eighteen.

That was the last of what Daisy, Reina, and Hastam would hear of Gordon and Rosalina. Even though Reina was under the guardianship of her aunt, she was practically adopted by Hastam with all the time she spent with the father and daughter duo at their home, where she actually felt at home. Auntie’s never at home. Why even bother going home early if there’s no one waiting for me at my “home”. Staying at Daisy’s is a lot better. Reina sighed and complied, packing up her belongings from the compartment under the game she was playing. “Alright, alright, let’s go home then. I forgot to eat lunch today too so I’m pretty hungry right now.”

Exasperated, Daisy scolded Reina, “What?! Again? Seriously Rei! How many times have I re-” her hands reached into her school bag, about to pull out a granola bar and apple juice box she keeps in days like this, but stopped and caution replaced her ire. She gave their surroundings a once over. Her soul gem gave a pulse from her ring.

“Daisy? What’s up?” Reina was confused. Wasn’t she going to scold her for the nth time for not eating on a healthy schedule?

“Can’t you feel it too? There’s a familiar somewhere around here. Maybe two or four blocks away, but I can feel it. We should go and take care of it now when it’s still weak, I’m not in the mood to go hunt down a rampant witch on finals week when it does turn into a witch.” She took her phone out of a small pocket in her school bag and opened the chat with her dad. Sorry dad, we’ll be home a bit late tonight. Rei’s obsession with her rhythm games has taken over and I can’t do much about it right now until she’s done. “There sent, my dad thinks that we’re still here and that you’re just overly into your games again. Let’s go now and then when we get back home we can eat, you forgetful idiot.” Daisy sent Reina a reprimanding look, being her sister-from-another-mister and her surrogate mother.

“Oh my god mom, chill out! I’m going, I’m going!” Reina teased.

Daisy only dignified it with a slap on the back of Reina’s head.