#I was just born a failure in every way and I'll die that way alone forgotten and unmourned | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mimisempai · 4 years ago

Text

You are worth so much more than the sum of your mistakes

Summary:

Mobius shows Loki that he is much more than his failures.

Last fic before the episode 03. The next one after it. But don't worry, come what may, our boys will be happy.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32121712

1802 words - Rating G

"Loki?" Mobius walked into his office where Loki was sitting flipping through files.

They were leaving in a few hours for Alabama in 2050.

"Yes?"

"Would you mind accompanying me to the projection room? I want to show you something."

Loki stood up and nodded.

"Let's go."

They entered the room where Loki had been viewing parts of his past and future life when he arrived at the TVA

Everything that made him a villain.

He stopped when he saw the projector on the table in the middle of the room.

"If this is to make me cruelly realize who I am, so I can keep me on a short leash before the mission, it's not worth it."

Loki turned around ready to leave the room.

"Loki, no!"

Mobius held him back by the sleeve, Loki struggled blinded by the feeling of disappointment that washed over him.

Mobius wrapped his arms around him from behind and said in his ear;

"Loki, I promise you that it is not about that. This time it's my turn to ask you to please trust me."

Loki stopped struggling and let Mobius pull him into the room and he made him sit in front of the screen.

Mobius stood behind him with his hands on his shoulders and gently asked Loki, "Do you remember what you said you were, in this very room last time?"

Loki bowed his head and whispered, "A villain."

Mobius continued, "And do you remember what I replied?"

"That this was not how you saw it."

Mobius pressed his shoulders and answered, "That's right. And I want to show you why I said that. I'm going to show you two excerpts from your past life and one from your future life.Is it okay to watch them?"

Loki just nodded.

Mobius pressed the power button and resumed his place behind Loki with his hands on his shoulders.

"I can stop anytime you want, you just have to say so."

Loki nodded again.

He saw himself and his brother in their ceremonial clothes just before Thor's enthronement.

Thor was taking his helmet presented to him by a servant.

Loki looked at him and said with a half smile, "Oh... nice feathers. "

Thor laughed wryly before replying, "You don't really want to start this again do you?

Loki protested, "I was sincere. "

"You are incapable of sincerity. "

"Am I?"

" Yes "

Loki looked at his brother with affection and replied very seriously, "I've looked forward to this day as long as you have, my brother, my friend. Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you. "

Thor put his hand on his shoulder and said softly, "Thank you."

Loki could hardly swallow the lump that had formed in his throat.

They may have clashed often, they may have been on bad terms when Loki ran away, but Thor was the person he missed the most since he was here.

Mobius paused and stood in front of him, kneeling down to be at his level.

He simply placed his hand on Loki's arm and asked, "Do you think someone who shows such brotherly love is a villain?"

Then he stood up, not waiting for an answer and pressed play again.

The scene was happening in Odin's room.

Odin was staring thoughtfully out the window and then turned away. Frigga sat in a vanity and tried different earrings before the mirror.

Odin asked her, "Do you think he's ready?"

"He thinks he is. He has his father's confidence." answered Frigga gently.

Odin retorted,"He'll need his father's wisdom."

Friga laughed and answered impertinently, "And his humility?"

Then Frigga added, "Thor won't be alone. Loki will be at his side to give him counsel. Have faith in your sons."

Loki could not remember ever having witnessed such a scene between his mother and father. He had never imagined his parents discussing Thor and him in this way, it was strange in a way. He had felt like he was witnessing a private scene. But to hear his mother talk about him in this way was beyond comprehension.

Mobius simply said to him before the footage continued, "Do you think a villain would inspire such faith in him from his mother, who is not even of his blood, do you think a mother would put her trust in one brother to support the other if deep down she thought he was a villain?"

The question hung in the air as the video resumed.

When Loki saw the scene beginning to unfold before his eyes, he protested and wanted to stand up, "Mobius, I've seen it before, I know this is the scene where I die!"

Mobius put his hands on Loki's shoulders again and said, "Look at it again this time, please. I really think you need to see it to the end."

Loki was talking to Thanos, "If I might, interject… If you’re going to Earth, you might want a guide. I do have a bit of experience in that arena."

Thanos glared at him and replied "If you consider failure experience…"

Loki, losing none of his cockiness, answered, "I consider experience, experience. Almighty Thanos. I, Loki, Prince of Asgard… Odinson… The rightful King of Jotunheim, God of Mischief, do hereby pledge to you, my undying fidelity."

Thor squinted and noticed a dagger in Loki’s hand. Loki attempted to stab Thanos, but failed.

“Undying. You should choose your words more carefully."

Thanos tightened his hold around Loki’s neck.

Loki made eye contact with Thor before Thanos increased his force on his neck.

He struggled to articulate, "You… will never be… a god."

Thanos snapped Loki’s neck, killing him then added, "No resurrection this time." before disappearing.

Loki closed his eyes, unable to stop a tear from rolling down his cheek.

Mobius leaned over and said softly in his ear, "Loki, watch, I know it's hard, but please watch."

Thor was crying, "No… Loki…"

He was then released from his binds and crawled over to Loki’s body. He laid his head down on Loki’s chest, shedding tears.

Mobius knelt before Loki and took his hands, "Loki, after this, after many twists and turns, Thanos has lost and you played a part in his loss. Your death played a part. But more than that, after all you've been through, all the times you've faced each other, do you think Thor would have cried for you like that, if you were a villain? Loki, you are worth so much more than you think you are destined to be."

Mobius wiped away Loki's tear stain with his thumb and let his hand linger on the god's cheek.

Loki asked him in a slightly hoarse voice, "But why show me this, why would you want to convince me of the opposite of what you wanted me to recognize first."

"Oh no Loki, I never wanted you to think you were a villain, I wanted you to see that you were not the one you insist on parading to the world."

Loki protested, "But you told me I was born to cause pain and suffering and death. That's how it is, that's how it was, that's how it will be. All so that others can achieve their best versions of themselves. "

"Yes, I told you that not because I think that's what you are, I was just showing you that that's what you were limiting yourself to because you yourself think you're only capable of that. Because you want to rule so badly, that you don't see that you are made for bigger things. You asked me to trust you yesterday. I did because Loki I have faith in you and since you've been here you keep proving it. In your own way. Because you are undoubtedly the god of mischief. Unique. Not. A. Villain."

Mobius took his chin and placed a kiss on his forehead before standing up.

"I'll leave you alone for a bit, let you take some time to think about this, I'll come get you before the mission briefing." he headed for the door.

"Mobius?"

"Yes." Mobius came back to him as Loki stood up.

"I don't know why, but I really, really want to believe you."

Seeing a man as powerful as Loki, showing so much fragility and hope at the same time, Mobius thought he had never found him as magnificent as he was at that moment. He felt blessed that Loki had exposed such vulnerability to him.

"It's not an easy road, Loki, but it's worth it.It's not easy being a man, but that's why it's so wonderful when you manage to overcome the obstacles. Don't forget that you are not or no longer alone, I will be there every step of the way. You just have to find the right direction."

Loki nodded and chuckled, "I don't know what deities decided to put you on my path, but I'm glad that it’s you."

He felt blessed that Loki would show such vulnerability.

Loki nodded and chuckled, "I don't know what deities decided to put you on my path, but I'm glad that it's you."

For once since the beginning of their strange relationship, Loki took the initiative and kissed Mobius lightly before stepping back."Go, I'll stay here for a while, a god of mischief can't show up with swollen and red eyes, there are limits to the lack of decorum." He finished by winking at him.

Mobius chuckled before leaving.

Once the door closed, he whispered, "Me too Loki, I'm glad fate connected us."

____

"Loki! Wait!"

Loki was standing in front of the portal through which the woman had just disappeared and deep down he knew he was going to have to follow her.

Not because of all the bullshit he had spouted at her just before.

Not because of his personal interests, well not only because of his personal interests. He was Loki after all.

But because of the man who was running towards him shouting.

Mobius.

Because Mobius had seen in him more than a glorious purpose.

Because even if it was for his personal interests, Mobius had needed him.

Because Mobius had made him see that he could be a better version of himself.

Because Loki was starting to believe it.

So as he turned to Mobius who was running towards him he put everything he could into his eyes.

Believe in me!

Then, reluctantly, he turned away and went through the portal.

_________

The whole serie here : The story of Loki and Mobius

#loki series #lokius fic #lokius #loki #mobius m mobius #moki #wowki #developing relationship #episode related #fluff #emotional hurt/comfort

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fitzs-trained-monkey · 3 years ago

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Chapter Thirty-Six: How I Did It - By Jack The Ripper

Rated PG-13: For dark themes and language

Masterlist

~We'll never get free Lamb to the slaughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water? The price of your greed Is your son and your daughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water?

Beg me for mercy Admit you were toxic You poisoned me just for Another dollar in your pocket Now I am the violence I am the sickness Won't accept your silence Beg me for forgiveness~

"He's here."

Crossing the Event-Horizon

That's what that's called. I've always thought that's the most beautiful way of putting it. The words have a certain ring to them.

Crossing the Event-Horizon

It means crossing the point of no return. That itself - the point of no return - could mean a lot of things. It could mean the beginning. It could mean the end. It could mean the infinite. It could mean life. It could mean death. It could mean war, peace, happiness, sadness, or anything in between.

But it means one thing for sure.

Crossing the Event-Horizon means there's no going back.

If I had to identify a beginning to the end of my story, then I think that little red dot on the map of time is where I'd stick my proverbial pin. That one little sentence, those two little words.

Yes, it was that moment, I think.

That was when it all started to go wrong.

"Felix is here," I said quietly, "He's outside."

I didn't know what I was going to do to get my revenge from that point. All I knew was, in order to kill Felix, I would need to get to him. And that meant getting away from Jack. Getting away from the son of the devil is something certainly easier said than done.

I would have to do it in a manner which would compel him and the Winchesters to come 'save me'. Of course, I could just knock Jack out and ditch him, but then I would have no back-up if things with Felix went sour. Now, if there was one thing I had learned in the five years leading up to my presence in that lighthouse, it was redundancy. It never hurts to have a safety net. Mine just happened to be a Nephilim.

"You remembered to lock the door, right?" Jack joked. I huffed a laugh. "We're safe in here. Don't worry, Marty. I'll protect you."

Isaac shook his head. "Felix has hostages. Two of 'em." He informed me.

"It's not me I'm worried about," I said to Jack, "This is a hostage situation."

The Nephilim's expression darkened and Isaac rolled his eyes.

"Personally, I say we go on the offensive. I mean, ya boyfriend here has more than enough juice to disintegrate seven dudes, right? Just waltz out there like we own the place, boom, clap, poof, TA-DA!"

"Ya know, that's actually not that bad of a plan," I said, nodding. I relayed the message to Jack who nodded.

"I could do it." He seemed confident.

"Felix brought six helpers. Have you ever dusted that many guys before?" I asked.

"I have, yes. Many more, in fact."

Well, that was... thoroughly disturbing. He seemed so calm about it. As if anyone who stood against him was nothing more than an obstacle. That could be me one day. That could be me tomorrow.

"Alright then, lead the way," I said, smirking.

Is it bad that I hoped something would happen to Jack? Nothing deadly, of course. Just something that would stop him from using his powers to take my revenge for me. Felix was mine. I needed to be the one to kill him. If Jack did it then what had been the point of it all? So, was it bad of me to hope that the quickest, cleanest solution wouldn't be the one that played out?

Was that wrong?

Did that make me evil?

Did I care if it did?

"Everything's going to be fine, Marty. You'll see." And Jack smiled at me softly and I wondered how long that would last.

I found myself standing beside him at the door to the lighthouse. My blood was boiling for a fight because this was it. Felix was on the other side of that door and in a few hours, I would be free, one way or another. Jack turned the handle.

Across the Event-Horizon.

A vampire, a ghost, and a Nephilim stepped out into the muggy night air. It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but it was more the beginning of a new era, at least for me. I stayed mostly hidden beside Jack, maintaining my air of powerlessness. Isaac stepped into place at the Nephilim's other side to match. I could feel the heat of Felix's presence bleeding through the space between us. He carried with him the foul stench of burning tar and just his scent made me want to wrinkle my nose.

He stood about ten feet away from Isaac, Jack, and me, flanked by six other vampires. There was no army, not that I had expected there to be - that wasn't how Felix worked. He didn't need an army, he'd brought two hostages. Two humans knelt on the ground in front of each of Felix's lackeys, poised to die.

Felix's lips stretched into something that approximated a smile but his little ruse was transparent. I could see the hate simmering in his eyes.

"This little game of ours has been fun but a score still stands to be settled and its resolution, I do believe, is long overdue. There is no place left for you to run, child. Are you finally ready to face judgment for your crimes, Martina?" He said. A smile spread across my face to match his.

"Are you?" I challenged, leaving all human emotion out of my voice. I had been so afraid of him before, but that fear was in the past. I had come to witness true power, I had seen it up close and Felix Ashton Monroe was nothing in comparison. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

"I suppose you'll just have to find that out," He said. "Now, I've just had a rather unsavory chat with one Samuel Winchester. Barbarians those boys are - him and his brother. I do so hope you'll remember the manners I taught you and come along like a civilized being."

"Ready when you are," Isaac reported. His Darth Vader figure was tucked safely in my boot and I counted the fact that Felix didn't know about him as one of the few advantages I had. Both Isaac and I knew that in order to keep that advantage my brother would have to suffer through being dragged behind a car via his attachment to the figure to prevent Felix from noticing his presence. We had decided a long time ago that I wouldn't face Felix alone. Isaac had protested against us facing him at all.

It was ironic, really. He was the ghost, yet out of the two of us, I was the vengeful one. See, Isaac had never sought revenge against Felix. The only person Isaac wanted vengeance against was himself. He sought punishment for his failure to keep me safe, to keep any of us safe. I suppose he got his wish. Ever since that night, Isaac remained trapped on earth with what was less of a mission and more of a duty. To keep me alive. If one looked at it properly, that was another advantage. Isaac had been formidable when he was alive, but as a vengeful spirit and with a threat on my life to power him up, Isaac was alarmingly deadly.

I didn't need to send him a discreet nod to acknowledge his words. The two of us had been preparing for this moment for five years. We knew our roles. We knew what we had to do.

"Marty isn't going anywhere with you," Jack cut in, his voice firm.

"You're Jack Kline I presume," Felix said in his usual drawling tone. His voice too reminded me of tar with the way it oozed lazily around his words. Everything about him was so clean and sharp yet somehow it was all horrifically revolting.

"I am, yes." Jack nodded. He was trying to sound confident and authoritative, mimicking Sam or Dean or Castiel. But he wasn't like them, it wasn't in his nature. Jack was too soft. Felix regarded him with a smirk, studying the boy in a calculating manner as if Jack were merely a rare antiquity he was appraising in an effort to determine its value.

"The boy born to rule..." He hummed, drawing out the words almost reverently. "Yer smaller than the rumors describe ye to be."

"So are you," Jack replied, standing up straighter and lifting his chin confidently.

"Oh, I'm afraid not." That slime ball cracked a smile. "I'm much too careful to allow for rumors of my physical appearance to drift beyond my reach."

"Really?" Jack challenged. "Because it seems like Martina found us. She told us everything about you."

Felix just laughed like he was talking to something as insignificant as a flea.

"Do ye never listen, young one? I said I don't allow rumors to drift beyond my reach. Seeing as Martina is standing directly ahead of me, I'd say she is well within my grasp. That which is mine does not escape me, laddie. She knows that better than anyone," Felix said.

"If you're so careful, then why come here yourself?" Jack asked, struggling to remain impassive. He didn't really have a poker face.

"Why, because unlike an amateur I actually quite enjoy getting my hands dirty every now and again. Especially with a vendetta this personal. Isn't that right, Martina?" Felix taunted. "Will you be coming willingly or not?"

"I said you can't have her," The half-angel forcefully growled. Jack pushed me behind him, shielding me from my creator's gaze.

"Is that so? I was unaware you had a choice in the matter," Felix accosted, seemingly amused. "Were your circumstances not clearly implicit in the situation? No? Very well! If you insist against using so much as a modicum of intelligence, I suppose I'll have to explain this situation to you. See, these dirty, pathetic excuses for intelligent life forms you see trembling before you are called humans, dear boy. I hear you're quite fond of them, and today they are playing the role which we in the criminal world usually refer to as the hostage. Now, their miserable little lives are in your hands, Jack. I am a man of my word thus I will gladly release them, alive and well, upon the prompt return of my property. However, I will not hesitate to rip them both to shreds right in front of you if I don't get my way. Do you understand that , boy?"

Jack didn't respond. He appeared torn between protecting me and saving the lives of the hostages.

"Good," Felix droned, "Now, are you ready to leave, Martina dear?"

" You don't get to speak to her ," Jack snarled. His teeth snapped together with an audible click as he threw his arm out in front of me, not quite ready to give up. Felix rolled his eyes.

"Must we really do this the hard way?" He asked, boredom evident in his tone.

"Yes."

Felix tilted his head and his gaze flicked to me. I could see a hint of amusement in his expression.

"Tell me, lassie. Have you kissed him yet?" He chuckled. Then, abruptly, his expression darkened. "Or is he just that stupid? "

"Who says I did anything?" I replied evenly. Felix huffed, rolling his eyes.

"So you have?" He turned his attention to Jack who just seemed confused. "Did you enjoy it, me boy? If you'll recall, I did wish you a very exciting first, did I not?"

"Marty, what's he talking about?" Jack asked, doubt wavering in his voice. I didn't answer him. Felix was taking a chisel to the wall I'd built in that boy's head. Not causing enough damage to send it crumbling, but planting enough doubt for it to hurt even worse when it did.

"Ah, my devious little Martina," Felix sighed, shaking his head dramatically. "You're as predictable as you are appallingly cruel."

"Guess I learned from the best," I hissed, glaring at him.

"Does that mean you'll be sensible?" He asked, raising a brow.

"You're not taking her!" My angel boy yelled. "She's mine. " A shock ran through my bones as Jack's powers ignited and his metaphysical wings spread out in front of me in a terrifying reminder of what he truly was.

Felix didn't flinch. Instead, he chuckled.

"That's cute," He said, gesturing to Jack's massive wings. Then, he straightened the cuffs of his suit and sighed. From out of his pocket he retrieved a box of matches, pulling one out and striking it. He tossed the match lazily in front of him, the reflection of its tiny flame dancing in his eyes.

The match hit the sand and flickering orange flames erupted from where it landed. The fire spread outward in a ring that encompassed the entire lighthouse, trapping me, Jack, and Isaac inside.

Jack hissed through his teeth as he watched the flames die down. They were low enough to pass easily through, so how were they supposed to contain us?

"In case ye can't tell, that there is holy fire," Felix informed, tucking the matches back in his pocket. "Any angel who finds themselves encircled by holy fire is rendered powerless, and if one tries to step through those flames, one will be instantly vaporized." He looked up again, unimpressed. "Don't get smart with me, boy . I am thousands of years your senior. I'll do with that disgusting whore whatever I damn please."

"No, you won't !"Jack yelled. His wings flared out and a blazing golden light poured from him like molten metal. The air buzzed with a divine power that burned my skin from standing so close. He was like sunlight, and it burned. I cowered away but watched in awe as Jack's veins lit beneath his skin as if gold were pumping through them instead of blood. Because that's what Jack Kline was. He was power. With a sudden ferocity, the flames leaped up, roaring around his body in an effort to keep him trapped inside. But Jack did the impossible and stepped beyond the ring with a cry of effort.

Felix did not cower away as his underlings did; he merely tilted his head with slight interest.

"How intriguing," He mused, folding his hands in front of him. "Tell me, lad. How did you manage that?"

Jack glared at Felix, his chest heaving, for I could tell that act had caused him pain.

"I'm not an angel."

Jack raised his hand, poised to snap the monsters all into dust.

"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you," Felix half-heartedly warned.

"Why not?" The Nephilim ground out.

The vampire smiled coolly. "Because these fine specimens here are not my only hostages." Of course, he had more. He was always prepared.

"Where are the others?" Jack demanded, eyes flaring.

"They're safe and sound, I assure ye. Unless, of course, you try to do somethin' stupid, such as kill me. If that's the case, and I do hope it's not, then my people have orders to do some rather unsavory things to a room full of children." Felix raised a brow, daring Jack to make a move against him.

"I can save them," Jack said, confident.

"Please! Ye don't even know where they are!" He scoffed. "Do what ye must, Jack Kline. But I really do fear for the children." Jack gritted his teeth but said nothing. He knew he was beaten. "That's better." Felix turned his attention to me. "Give up this pitiful act of yours, Martina. Come on out. You know this is checkmate."

I stepped away from Jack and stood tall, allowing the thing that had made me to see the steel in my eyes. I passed Jack and planted myself in front of Felix.

"This isn't checkmate, Monroe. This is merely check. I'll be damned before I walk into something with no way out, you know that better than anyone." My voice was calm and cool and I let it chill him. It was my real voice, not that other one I always used to put people at ease. My real voice was the one that makes people do what I want.

The corner of Felix's mouth twitched up. "Oh, yes. I know." He leaned down, his face merely an inch away from mine. "I'm looking forward to it."

"So, where's the car?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Right this way, m'dear." He gestured towards the dirt road a ways away and started toward it. I began to follow but Jack's voice made me stop.

"You're a monster," He spat, shaking with rage. His pained expression had morphed into one of hatred and his glowing golden eyes fixed on Felix.

Felix twisted around, mildly amused more than anything.

"Empathy, humanity, and morality make you weak, boy. Alas, weakness is a bitch , isn't it?" He smirked, basking in the pain he caused.

"I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!" Jack screamed. His power flared with his anger but there was nothing he could do. The absolute helplessness and hopelessness of his situation finally dawned on him. He never could stand feeling helpless.

"Hold on, I'm confused. Is that not what you do ?" Felix jeered, lifting a brow. Jack froze, his eyes going wide and puppy-like as the vampire's words hit him in the heart. His rage and power dimmed.

"W-What?" Poor thing. His voice sounded so small. He had never been made for this.

"You're the Winchester's attack dog, are ye' not?" Felix clarified. "Playing judge, jury, and executioner for anything you deem a monster."

"You are a monster," Jack scowled, clenching his fists.

"Oh, I know that!" Felix laughed. "But I like to think I've done quite a bit to earn me that title. There are, however, six quite innocent and quite human patients in critical condition at a Manhattan hospital. Six patients, who you put there. Those weren't monsters now, were they?"

Jack's face paled. Sam and Dean had said everyone was fine. Sam and Dean had lied. "H-How did- How did you-"

"That was some stunt you pulled in Times Square, boy," He mused. "Did you really think I wouldn't know about it?"

"Th-that w-was... I-it wasn't... I didn't mean to I-" Jack shook his head in denial. "It was an accident!"

"Why, of course it was!" Felix laughed. "You've not a malicious heart nor the disposition to take an innocent life. Dear boy, you are but a loaded gun for the Winchesters aim at anything they don't like."

Jack shook his head. "T-that's not true! I kill things that are evil because they hurt people." His words sounded hollow like they were something practiced. Like something that had been pounded into him.

"Do ye now? Because as I recall, you killed your own mother and ye' don't even know why. Sad, that." Felix smiled. "You kill because you were bred to; it's your purpose. It's almost cute, the son of the devil thinking he's a hero."

"I am ! I'm a hunter!" Jack insisted.

"You are not a hero," Felix sneered, shaking his head. "You are a murderer, Jack Kline. What else could ya be?" The Scottish man turned on his heel, not caring much to hear what the Nephilim had to say.

"Y-you're wrong. You're wrong about me!" That was all Jack could force out. He tried so hard to keep the tears at bay. I shook my head and turned away from him to follow my creator. "M-Marty?" Jack called out from behind me, his voice laced with desperation and confusion.

I stopped.

In that moment, I finally stripped away the final pieces of the human girl I'd made for him. The girl I'd designed for him to love. Jack would never see her again. That girl was gone now. And good riddance to her; I hoped she'd never come back.

Because she was weak.

And I was not.

Because she was human.

And I was a monster.

Because she was kind.

And I was cruel.

Because she was innocent.

And I was insane.

Because she was honest and grateful.

And I was a deceitful manipulator.

Because she was the blissful mirage.

And I was the horrid reality.

Because she was perfect.

And I never could be.

Because Jack Kline loved that sweet girl.

But that girl wasn't ME.

She never had been.

Of course, I still loved him which only made this harder. But I supposed that in a few hours that would be of no consequence. He wouldn't care. And that fact hurt like a needle to the heart, but pain only brings power to those with nothing left to lose. So, I threw my head back and I laughed as I embraced that pain, just as I did for every other cut and bruise I had ever received. That needle was one in a million and all that pain was what made me real. So, I sighed and turned back to where my angel boy stood, staring at me like some lost puppy.

"I'm sorry, Jack," I said sweetly, "Thanks for getting me this far, I don't think I could have done it without you. Unfortunately, this is something I have to do on my own. This is my last page and nobody can write it for me."

"You can't go," He said, shaking his head. There were tears in his eyes but none in mine. I smiled at him and that was the first he'd seen from me that was real, because, for the first time, Jack was talking to me.

"Why are you worried, Jack?" I was surprised at how smooth and pleasing my own voice sounded, now that I took notice. My real voice was why I was dangerous; when I used it I could make anyone do anything. But there was a reason I had been masking it for so long. It was what had gotten me into this in the first place. "I know you'll come to save me."

"What if I'm too late?" He asked, his voice breaking.

"Then I'll be there waiting for you," I answered.

"You'll die," Jack whispered. I laughed lightly, shaking my head.

"I'm not going to die today, Jack."

"You don't know that!"

"I've known for longer than you think," I said. I watched his teary, desperate expression and copied it to my memory as best as I could. It was the last time he'd look at me that way. At least for a while. "Just do me one last favor?"

"Anything," Jack promised.

"There's a girl you haven't met yet, try not to hate her when you do." I smiled and Jack nodded, trying his best to stay strong.

Then I left him there.

Alone in the sand, he watched a stranger he thought he loved going to what he thought was her death and vowed to save her from it.

Was it wrong for me to deceive him?

Did I care if it was?

***

Sam paced back and forth along the length of the lighthouse as he waited for Dean and Castiel to return. Every few minutes or so he would check his watch anxiously and run a hand through his hair, muttering something unintelligible under his breath before he resumed his pacing.

But Jack wasn't paying attention to that. He was busy staring at his hands. There were too many thoughts racing through his head for him to focus on any one of them. It had all happened so fast and there was nothing he could have done, but it didn't feel that way. Jack felt responsible. Martina was going to die because of him. It was his fault.

It was always his fault.

The door of the Lighthouse burst open, revealing Dean and Cas standing there in the driving rain that had come on before anyone had time to notice. Dean threw himself inside and Cas trailed after him, taking the time to close the lighthouse door while Dean shook the rain off like an oversized dog.

"What took you so long?" Sam was immediately questioning. "Where were you?"

"Gettin' information," Dean smirked. "It took a while, but one of the bloodsuckers squealed. What happened here, Jack?"

"I kissed Martina," Jack blurted out.

"What?" Sam, Dean, and Cas asked in unison, sharing the same disbelieving expression.

Jack hadn't meant to say it but it just sort of came out. It probably wasn't his fault, though. Jack simply couldn't stop thinking about every detail of his time with the girl in the lighthouse. He wanted to focus on what had happened after, but his brain simply wouldn't cooperate.

"I, um... I kissed Martina..." He repeated, somewhat nervously. "And I think I liked it..."

Had he liked it? Jack thought so; he was pretty sure. But something about it felt off.

Why had he kissed her in the first place? What had compelled him to do that? Jack didn't know.

His memories of the kiss were strange. He remembered clearly the emotions he'd felt, and the intensity of them. Yet, for some reason, Jack couldn't seem to recall where those feelings had come from. He had wanted to kiss Martina, but not like that... Or... maybe he had? It felt to Jack as if the decisions he'd made weren't his own. He couldn't even remember making any decisions, really. All he remembered was those feelings and acting on them. Something about that seemed off to him but Jack wasn't sure. He supposed it wasn't that out of the ordinary for him to behave impulsively. On the contrary, he tended to do that quite a lot. So, what was bothering him?

"Wait..." Dean paled, "You and Marty... You- You two didn't, like... do it in a lighthouse, right?"

Jack tilted his head, brows furrowing. "Do what?"

"C-Cas?" Dean's face whitened another shade as he turned to the seraph. "Please tell me your son didn't-" Castiel gave a long-suffering sigh.

"No, Dean. I really don't think they did anything," He said, rolling his eyes.

"Not everyone is like you," Sam added. Dean waved him off.

"Yeah, okay, but why am I the only one gettin' weirded out by this?" He exclaimed.

"Because we have bigger problems, Dean!" Sam pointed out, exasperated. Sam seemed anxious and Jack wondered what he wanted to tell them.

"Well, I think this is pretty big!" Dean insisted, turning to Jack. "Dude, what the hell?"

"I don't understand what you mean. Martina and I kissed." Jack said simply.

"Dean, seriously. I-" Sam tried. Dean held up a hand, sighing.

Dean sighed. "Jack... Y-You don't do that."

"Dean! Listen-"

"Not now, Sam!" Dean cut him off again.

"Why not? Jack asked, frowning.

"Look, ya just- Ya gotta wait a little while, man!" Dean said, running a hand over his face. "I mean, Marty's like, twelve!" He insisted. By then, Sam had decided he'd had it.

"No, Dean! She's really not!" The younger Winchester yelled, throwing his hands in the air.

"What?" Dean was shocked by his brother's sudden outburst. Sam took a deep breath to calm himself now that he had everyone's attention.

"Martina's not as young as we think she is. I-I think she's older, m-much older." Sam said, stress leaking into his tone.

"What are you saying, Sam?" Cas asked.

"I'm saying we've been played."

***

The car ride was smooth and it was the first time I'd been in a limo, so naturally, I took the comforts offered me. I stretched out across the seat, lounging as I stared out the tinted window. I didn't worry about Felix sitting directly across from me. I knew he didn't want to kill me. Not yet anyway.

"I'm curious, how did you manage to fool them?" He asked, watching me with a comfortable expression.

I shrugged. "Long story, lots of boring details."

"Indulge me," He insisted.

"Why should I?" I asked. He shrugged, mimicking me.

"I'm simply curious."

I hummed. "I bet you are."

He smirked. "Well, what can I say? It's just my nature." I nodded vaguely, continuing to stare out the window. We both knew how this would end. There was no real reason not to tell him.

"Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester and the angel Castiel..." I said their names thoughtfully, allowing the corner of my lips to twitch up into a sly smile. "They seem so simple at first glance. You have the poor unfortunate soul who lost so much yet kept his kindness, the perfect killer who spent his whole life at war, and the fallen angel who found a home. But if that was all there was then I never would have fooled them. However, for men who claim to be so faithless, there's so much they want to believe in."

"Whot do ye mean?" Felix asked, tilting his head. I smirked lazily. T

"I'll start with Sam. Sam is kind because he's damaged, but the last thing he is is a fool. When someone's good at unraveling lies, the last thing you do is give them a really big one to unravel. If you do that, then they'll cut right through and they'll figure you out easily. So, what do you do? You give them distractions. Hide puzzles within puzzles and Sam will stop to solve each one because he loves it. But how do you get him to ignore the big picture?" I stopped and grinned.

"It's easy really. All I had to do was appeal to his hate. Sam Winchester is so extraordinarily full of such raw and powerful hate, that if you simply aim it at a conceivable target, he can ignore anything else. And of course, with his hate blinding him to the truth, Sam can't figure out the lie. All one has to do to fool Sam is give him a puzzle to solve and something to hate.

"So, I made him hate you."

***

"How?" Castiel asked, tilting his head.

"It's Marty. We can't trust her," Sam said. Dean scoffed

"After all that lecturing earlier? Why the hell not?" He demanded. Sam took a nervous breath.

"Because she's been lying to us, Dean," He said. "I-I think she's been lying to us this whole time."

Dean's jaw clenched and he crossed his arms over his chest. "What are you talking about, Sam?" His voice was tight and guarded.

"I talked to Felix after I saved the little girl," Sam admitted.

"You just stood there and talked to that son of a bitch! He's a sick, messed up, psychopath! Sam, what the hell is wrong with you?!" Dean yelled. Sam held out his hands in a peacemaking gesture.

"I know w-what he is, Dean. A-and, believe me, I thought the same things you are now and I swear it was over the phone a-and all he did w-was tell me things. But-" Sam hissed through his teeth and tugged at his hair, seemingly at war with himself.

"But what, Sam?"

"I don't know. He- he just-"

"You don't know?!" Dean interrupted accusingly.

"H-He said things, alright! Felix told me things. Things about Marty. A-and they- they made - They just made so much sense! And I hate him just as much as you do and I don't wanna believe him but-" Sam's voice faltered and he shook his head seeming lost.

"What did he tell you?" Castiel pressed, gentle but still firm.

"He told me Martina killed his wife."

***

"Now, Dean? Dean's a little harder," I said as the driver made a sharp left-hand turn. "Dean's not just a hardened killer, though that's mostly what he wants people to see. He wants people to see the machine without a heart so no one will see how horrifically broken he really is." Thinking of what Dean was really like made me laugh and I flicked my gaze at Felix. "And believe me when I say that there's nothing that could fix him by now."

"But there's so much more to him than the killer and the brokenness. Dean's the righteous man who's never known a day away from war. There are so many things he wants so desperately. Dean dreams of walking peacefully along a beach yet he's never even been to one. For all he's never had Dean tries to give it to others. For all the blood and death he's seen he's remarkably full of love. Love is the key, really. Dean Winchester loves more powerfully than anyone I've ever met. If Dean loves someone he'll do anything for them.

"He sees my age and sees in me the child he never was. He sees me afraid and wants to provide me the protection no one gave him. He sees me flinch when someone yells and wants to offer me the security he never knew. He sees an orphan and wants to give me the parental love he never had. All one has to do to fool Dean Winchester is give him a child to love.

"So, I made him love me."

***

"And you believed him?" Dean scoffed. "Marty is a kid, Sam! She's a kid! Just a scared kid who needs our protection! Marty never could have done something like that."

"Why not?" Cas spoke up. All eyes snapped to the angel.

"BECAUSE SHE'S A KID!" Dean roared. Jack flinched away from him, he'd always hated when Dean yelled. It scared him. Though, this time Dean sounded less angry and more desperate. As if there was something he didn't want to believe. As if yelling the words would make them true.

"T-that's what I thought too. But what if we're wrong?" Sam asked.

"How could we be wrong?" Dean demanded.

"What if Marty's not a kid?" Sam carefully spoke, "What if she's not human?"

Dean shook his head. "No," He said, "No, you're wrong. I know what you're thinkin' and you're wrong." Jack shook his head too. There was no way... was there? Something itched at the back of his mind. He didn't know what it was. Did he want to?

"Dean, I know this is hard to accept, but we need to think this through," Sam said, holding his hands out beseechingly.

"We don't have time for that!" Jack spoke up. "Felix is going to kill Marty! We can't just let her die!"

Sam held up a hand. "He's not gonna kill her, not for a while. We have time."

"No, you don't get it! I promised I'd save her!" Jack said.

"Exactly!" Sam pointed out. "Jack, that's exactly what she wants! She's been planning this the whole time."

"What do you mean 'the whole time'?" Dean inquired, crossing his arms.

"Think back to the beginning, w-when we first met Marty," Sam said, walking them through it. "Why were we in Copper Harbor?"

"For a ghost hunt," Jack answered, impatience leaking through his tone.

"You're right, but there was another case there. What was it?"

"Blood was being stolen from the hospital..." Cas said slowly as if remembering.

"Exactly! Exactly." Sam took a breath. "Now, that ghost in the viral video, who was it? Was it whoever's bones we burned?"

"No, it was..." Jack made the connection. Why hadn't he noticed that before? "It was Isaac."

"Okay, so that means..." He trailed off.

"That Marty was lying about the hunt and the bones," Cas finished.

"Right, now why would she do that?"

"I dunno, professor. Maybe so we wouldn't torch her brother?" Dean rolled his eyes.

Sam pursed his lips, sighing. "Well, yes, b-but no! This isn't about Isaac, this is about Marty. What would she have been hiding?"

"The blood theft," Cas said decisively. Dean shook his head.

"That's a coincidence. Marty can't be - She can't-" He couldn't even say it. He could hardly think it. "Marty can't be a vampire."

***

"Castiel was harder," I continued. "Aside from the fact that he's a multi-billion-year-old cosmic being, Castiel also lacks a soul. That made tapping into his emotions significantly more difficult, but once I did that it was quite clear that I could never fool him. At least, not directly. He's intelligent, not easily deceived, and he always tries to do what he thinks is best. Whatever that course of action might be, more often than not, it hasn't been the right one.

"Castiel is, primarily, a screw-up. There's a lot of history and even more drama involving his fellow angels and the Winchesters, and he has consistently attempted to fight for both sides of the war between them. His torn loyalties have caused a great many more problems than they've fixed and it seems as though any attempt to fix one of said problems breeds yet more chaos. Castiel is rebellious. He can never seem to do what he's supposed to. So, naturally, that makes him the most dangerous piece on the board.

"When Castiel sets his mind on something, there isn't much that can sway him. His actions have proven, repeatedly I might add, that he is even willing to go behind the backs of the Winchesters if he believes it's for the greater good. But his destructive pattern stops only for the one person he's never betrayed. Thus, to fool Castiel one has to fool his son.

"So, I got my hands on Jack."

***

"Why not?" Cas snapped.

"'Cause she just can't!" Dean's voice broke.

"She single-handedly killed five vampires, Dean! Remember?" Cas pressed. "There's no way a mere child her age could have done that."

Jack shook his head, refusing to believe it. "Marty can't be a vampire. Dad, she just can't be."

Castiel sighed, his eyes soft. "I know you want to believe that."

"Why shouldn't we?" Dean challenged.

"Because she killed five vampires single handedly! What part of that escapes your understanding?!" Cas repeated with frustration.

"We don't know what happened in there!" Dean persisted.

"Exactly! WE DON'T KNOW!" Cas yelled.

"THEN WE CAN'T ACCUSE, CAN WE?" Dean shouted back. Jack flinched again and Cas took notice, forcibly relaxing his posture in hopes of reassuring his son.

Sam groaned. "Look at the facts, Dean. The research!"

"Damn the research, Sammy! This is Marty! We know her!"

"We know she's an empath!" Sam spat. "She's been playing with all our emotions, we know that! We need to look at this objectively and, as hard as that might be, it means looking at the facts!"

"What about the facts?" Dean asked reluctantly.

"Think about it," The younger brother said. "W-we did the research, remember? Remember how none of it lined up?"

"Yeah, because Felix messed with it!" Dean tried.

"Not all of it," Sam pointed out, "Marty said she was nine when she died, but her youngest brother was ten. Remember that? How could she have been younger than her youngest sibling?"

"Sam, that-"

"Because she wasn't, Dean," He hissed, "She wasn't nine. Marty was sixteen."

"I-I remember..." Dean froze, his eyes flicking up to meet his brother. "Sammy..." He said, his voice tense and shaking, "How did I forget that?"

Dread coated Castiel's tone as he answered instead.

"I think she wanted us to."

***

"Jack is a very special boy," I said, sarcasm lacing my tone. "Although, he is the offspring of a fallen archangel, so I'd assume that 'special' comes rather naturally. Thanks for that clue, by the way. It would have taken me much longer to figure him out if it wasn't for that itty bitty little detail."

"You would have gotten it regardless." Felix shrugged.

"Of course I would've!" I snorted, shaking my head. "I didn't think my abilities were of any question."

"They weren't," Felix replied. "I know what you're capable of, lassie."

I smirked devilishly. "You should." Felix's hand clenched into a fist and he sent me a tight smile.

"Indeed." He forced the word through his teeth. "Which is why I'm surprised you enlisted to lie to that boy so completely. Doesn't that violate whatever moral code of Donoghue's it is that you've adopted?" I nodded and shrugged with a sigh.

"You're right, it does. Jack is in many senses young and vulnerable and on top of that, he's dreadfully naïve. He could never deserve what I did to him." I huffed out a humorless laugh as my face twisted into a sneer. "But you do. So I made an exception."

Felix shook his head as if disappointed. "Now, now, Martina. When one has a goal, one does not make exceptions. Lest they desire to fail, of course. Only hypocrites make exceptions. Did I teach you nothing?"

"I'm not like you," I spat.

"Is that what it looks like from where you sit?" He mused quietly. I flashed him a barred toothed grin and continued.

"There's only one that Jack Kline truly wants in this world. He wants to be good - to prove to himself and those around him that despite his parentage, he can be good. He's been told that there's something wrong with him, so he wants to find a way to somehow purge it. But he can't because there's nothing wrong and there never was. Yet, he can't believe that. So it leaves him with an insatiable desire to please.

"It's pathetic, really. He seeks validation in everything. He thinks he has to be useful to be loved. Otherwise, he's just a burden, one that nobody wanted. Jack doesn't want to believe that; he wants to be told that isn't true. Jack Kline may be powerful but he's also soft - moldable if you will. See, he's so haplessly needy that it's honestly sickening. He'll do anything for you to tell him what he wants to hear. And he'll do anything to keep hearing it.

"Jack is a combination of his three guardians. He's desperate. Like Dean, he doesn't want to see what's right in front of him. But he's not stupid. I had to erase his memory more than once. Then, like Sam, I simply distracted him and, much like Castiel, I had to keep him in line by appealing to that insatiable need of his. To fool Jack Kline one has to give him someone to save.

"He thinks he's saving me." I smiled fondly when I'd finished, glancing up at Felix with a challenge in my gaze.

"Well, we both know that's impossible," He said, eyeing me with a smirk, "There's nothing left in that cold shell of yours worth saving." I grinned, showing him the insane thing he'd created.

"You're damn right."

***

Then, like a memory, there were words running through Jack's head. Words and voices, but he didn't remember hearing them.

'You said you were nine then! But y-you - you weren't!' That was his voice in his ears. But Jack couldn't remember saying those words. 'You haven't aged a day... Five years and you haven't aged a day.'

'I aged about a month, actually.'

The other voice was Marty. The words buzzed like static, making his headache. Jack shook his head. It was like Deja Vue but entirely more vivid. Sam, Dean, and Cas kept talking. It was hard to hear them through the ringing in his ears.

"Cas, are you saying she can wipe memories?" Dean asked.

"I'm not sure," Castiel replied, shaking his head. "But she can certainly suppress them."

"But it-it must only work when she's around b-because when she's gone - I know for me - When Marty's not around I-I start to remember," Sam said.

The ringing in Jack's ears intensified, making him groan and grasp at his head. He clamped his hands over his ears but the ringing only grew louder. It was like angel radio, but instead of being surrounded by fire, Jack felt like he was burning from the inside out.

"Jack?" Cas was calling his name. "What's going on?"

"I-I don't- I-" Jack gasped, the pain growing stronger. "It hurts! Dad, please make it stop!"

"Jack? JACK!"

He stumbled into Cas's arms as another blurred memory hit him like a train.

'I'm gonna need you to forget that,' Marty's voice whispered in his head. She sounded so gentle, so inviting. She sounded like a spider.

'I wish I could,' His own voice shook as Jack listened to himself say words he couldn't remember speaking. It felt like a memory that didn't belong to him.

There was more to it this time. There was a picture frame, but the picture inside was out of focus. There was an image. It was Martina. She had fangs. And there was something else too. Jack could feel it like a phantom pain. It was terror. The paralyzing kind. The feeling of being trapped. Jack felt the shadow of limbs and he couldn't move. He was trapped. Jack couldn't get out. He was trapped like a fly in a web. Marty was the spider. He couldn't get away. He couldn't get away from her.

She wouldn't let him.

'I can make you forget,' She was going to hurt him. ' Take us back to the night we met. '

'What do you mean?' His voice asked cautiously. He was scared. He was so scared. He couldn't get out.

'I'm going to talk to you, and then you're going to forget, and everything will be back to the way it was.'

'You're a monster.' He'd said

The ringing in Jack's ears faded and he bolted upright, gasping and shaking as panic set in. He needed to tell Sam, Dean, and Castiel what he'd remembered but he couldn't seem to find the words.

"S-She lied." That was all he could force out.

"Jack, what happened? Are you okay?" Castiel worried, checking over him. Jack just shook his head.

"She did something to me," He choked out, shaking. "I don't know. I can't remember. Why can't I remember? She did something to me!" He felt sick. There was something wrong with him.

No.

There was something wrong with Marty.

She was sick.

"What? What did she do?" Dean demanded, eyes wide.

"She-She made me forget. I knew. I-I knew and she made me forget!"

"Forget what?" Sam asked.

"I figured her out a-and she made me forget but I remembered." Jack stopped and only then did he realize he was crying. "She's one of them."

Because she had betrayed him. Marty had betrayed all of them. Jack didn't even know what to believe anymore. Had any of it been real? Or was it all some twisted lie?

"I'm sorry, Jack," Cas offered quietly.

"You were right, Sam," Jack whispered. He couldn't stop his voice from shattering. "Martina is a monster. A-And she lied."

There was silence for a moment. Then, Dean spoke up. Because someone had to take the lead and it was always him. It wasn't fair, but it was always him.

"We gotta go," He said, struggling to make his voice sound cold and firm. But he'd lost a daughter today.

"W-Where?" Sam asked.

"Me and Cas know where Felix is taking Marty. That kid's got some answering to do," Dean answered, his green eyes darkening with his tone. Castiel stood, helping Jack climb to his feet.

"Martina is dangerous, Dean. Are you sure you're willing to do what may be necessary?" Cas asked, watching Dean with a somber expression.

"It's not gonna come to that," Dean said.

"And if it does?"

"I will." Jack's voice was quiet but it caught the adult's attention.

"Jack, are you- Are you really sure?" Cas asked gently. Jack shook his head.

"I don't want to kill Martina. But you're right, she is dangerous." His voice faltered. "I can't let her hurt anybody else."

***

Felix's limo pulled into the garage of what was easily a multi-million dollar home. It was four stories and it reminded me of a castle with its dull grey stone and tall windows. The interior of the garage was constructed simply of polished cement and was entirely empty aside from the car now parked within it. I sent Felix a smirk and climbed from the vehicle, slamming the door shut behind me. The car was surrounded. Twenty or so of Felix's vamps stood guard but I knew they were more for display than anything else. Some of them I recognized, some I didn't.

"And here I thought this little girl's night was just gonna be you and me," I huffed dramatically upon seeing them, "You had me feeling all special."

"Sorry to disappoint, Lassie," Felix drawled. "But don't worry, I invited some of your friends too. Well, just one to be exact."

I shot him a curious glance but shrugged before sauntering my way past Felix's lackeys like I owned the place. I supposed I had, but that was so long ago. Were his minions really still so afraid of me? I surveyed one of the vamps as I passed him, taking notice of the bead of sweat dripping down his neck. He was clearly terrified.

So, they remembered who their queen was. Good.

Spinning on my toe like a ballerina, I let a bubbling laugh escape my throat. All of Felix's soldiers turned to face me, watching with careful eyes.

"Hello, Lovelies!" I called, grinning. A few of them shifted nervously. "Just thought you all should know, both your beloved Prince and Princess are dead! I killed them!" Murmurs spread around the empty garage, echoing off the polished grey walls. "That's right! Boyd's head I ripped off with a tractor, though I'm sure your leader was glad to finally be rid of his bastard son." I glanced at Felix who stood there stoically and winked. "I knew about that, by the way. As for Elwyn, I had the Devil's son snap her into dust like Peter Parker in Infinity War. 'Cept she ain't comin' back!" I giggled in reaction to the horrified expressions of Felix's soldiers and send the man himself a smirk before whipping around again.

"Ye know, Martina?" His voice made me pause though I kept my back to him. "I look at you and I don't see anyone looking back..." He trailed off, his tone thoughtful. "Where is that soul you used to have?"

"Just like I told your daughter, I lost it in the woods in favor of something else. You wanted me to learn something and I learned it!" I eyed him over my shoulder. "You never should have sent me there."

"I know that now." Felix sounded almost solemn. "Whatever Sampson brought back with him wasn't the girl I tossed in, was it?"

I shrugged. "That's where you're wrong. It's still me. Like I said, I just learned something over there is all."

"And what did you learn?" He wondered.

"That you were wrong."

"It doesn't seem I was," He said. I chuckled softly.

"You said I was made to be a queen. You were wrong."

"Aye?"

"I'm not a queen, Monroe." I turned to face him. "I'm a damn Empress." I grinned. "And, honey, you should see me in your crown."

I didn't bother to watch his expression. I just turned and walked.

Pushing my way through the garage door, I skipped down a long, dark hallway decorated with dark wooden pieces that I was sure had cost more money than they were worth. I smirked upon hearing Felix's footsteps trailing behind me. Whirling around and walking backward, I grinned at my former torturer.

"Got anything you didn't wanna say in front of your minions?" I taunted.

"I do, actually." He huffed a laugh that held no humor. "For the record, I'm sorry."

My expression soured. "No you're not."

"I am, truly." He placed his hand over his heart in a gesture of sincerity. "I apologize for my greed and my stupidity. I unleashed you upon this world; that will be my greatest regret, I think. I made you into a plague and I lost control over you."

"You never controlled me," I hissed.

"And I the second I realized that I should have put you down," Felix said. "I just hope the Winchester's don't make the same mistake."

I shook my head. "That's the think, Felix. They will."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not." He shrugged.

"I guess I'll find out, won't I? So! Where's this friend of mine?" I asked, rubbing my hands together.

"Two doors down on your right," Felix answered. I glanced at the door he was referring to then back to him.

"Ooh, goodie. Before I open it, why do I get a present?"

Felix shrugged. "Call it a joke."

I nodded. "Dope."

Then I skipped over to the dark wooden door and grasped the handle. It wasn't locked, of course, so I pulled it open. I didn't look for traps. I knew Felix would never stoop that low. The room was pitch black and there were no windows, but I found the light switch easily enough. Bright fluorescent bulbs flicked on and washed the space with light.

Sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of the room, was a rather muscular man. His arms and legs were tied to the chair and his head was tilted down. I may not have been able to see his face, but I would have recognized that old, grungy cap almost anywhere. I crossed the space between us and tapped him on the shoulder. The man inclined his head, squinting against the light, but when he caught a glance of my face, his usually bright eyes filled with terror.

I had forgotten how fun it was to instill that level of fear. I smirked.

"Hey there, Benny! I haven't seen you since the Hunger Games!"

~We'll never get free Lamb to the slaughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water? The price of your greed Is your son and your daughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water?

Beg me for mercy Admit you were toxic You poisoned me just for Another dollar in your pocket Now I am the violence I am the sickness Won't accept your silence Beg me for forgiveness~

Lyrics from: Blood In The Water by grandson

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myfanwymusings · 4 years ago

Photo

TAYLOR SWIFT / FOLKLORE

Below is a collection of lyric starters taken from Taylor Swift’s eighth album ‘folklore’. The album holds references to: sex, alcohol, blood, depression, warfare, toxic relationships, medical failure, death as well as lines that could be taken as suicidal thoughts and parental abuse --- so please be mindful if you are sensitive to these subjects. All lyrics are posted as written on the album, but feel free to change pronouns or words to fit your purposes. This has been edited and reposted from my old blog.

the 1

i’m doing good, i’m on some new shit.

i thought I saw you at the bus stop

the greatest films of all time were never made

if you wanted me, you really should've showed

we were something, don't you think so?

if my wishes came true, it would've been you

in my defense, i have none for never leaving well enough alone

it would've been fun if you would've been the one

you know the greatest loves of all time are over now

if one thing had been different would everything be different today?

cardigan

when you are young, they assume you know nothing

i felt like I was an old cardigan

a friend to all is a friend to none

to kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed

you drew stars around my scars but now I'm bleedin'

i knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs

cause i knew everything when I was young

i knew i'd curse you for the longest time

i knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired and you'd be standin' in my front porch light

i knew you'd come back to me

the last great american dynasty

the wedding was charming, if a little gauche

there goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen

who knows, if she never showed up, what could've been

she had a marvelous time ruining everything

there goes the most shameless woman this town has ever seen

i had a marvelous time ruining everything

exile

i can see you standing, honey, with his arms around your body

it took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it

you were my town, now I'm in exile

i can see you starin', honey, like he's just your understudy

I'm not your problem anymore, so who am i offending now?

there is no amount of crying i can do for you

you didn't even hear me out

you didn't even see the signs

cause you never gave a warning sign

i gave so many signs

my tears ricochet

if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too

even on my worst day, did i deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

cause i loved you, i swear i loved you til my dying day

i didn't have it in myself to go with grace

if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

you wear the same jewels that i gave you as you bury me

you know i didn't want to have to haunt you

when i'd fight, you used to tell me i was brave

and i can go anywhere i want just not home

you can aim for my heart, go for blood but you would still miss me in your bones

you had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

mirrorball

i'll show you every version of yourself tonight

i want you to know i'm a mirrorball, i can change everything about me to fit in

i’m still a believer, but i don't know why

seven

are there still beautiful things?

and though i can’t recall your face i still got love for you

love you to the moon and to saturn

i think your house is haunted. your dad is always mad and that must be why

i think you should come live with me

august

never have i ever before

will you call when you're back at school?

i remember thinkin' i had you

for me, it was enough to live for the hope of it all

so much for summer love

you weren't mine to lose

i can see us twisted in bed sheets

this is me trying

i’ve been having a hard time adjusting

i didn't know if you'd care if i came back

i just wanted you to know that this is me trying

pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down

they told me all of my cages were mental, so i got wasted like all my potential

my words shoot to kill when i'm mad, i have a lot of regrets about that

it's hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound

illicit affairs

that's the thing about illicit affairs and clandestine meetings and longing stares, it's born from just one single glance but it dies a million little times

you showed me colors you know i can't see with anyone else

don't call me "kid,"

don't call me "baby"

you taught me a secret language i can't speak with anyone else

you know damn well, for you, i would ruin myself a million little times

invisible string

were there clues i didn't see?

isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string, tying you to me?

time cutting me open, then healing me fine

mad woman

what did you think i'd say to that?

fuck you forever

every time you call me crazy, i get more crazy

when you say i seem angry, i get more angry

it's obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together

i'm taking my time cause you took everything from me

epiphany

sir, i think he's bleeding out

you dream of some epiphany, just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you've seen

doc, i think she's crashing out

some things you just can't speak about

betty

i won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom but i think it's 'cause of me

the worst thing that i ever did was what i did to you

would you trust me if i told you it was just a summer thing?

i don't know anything but i know i miss you

if i just showed up at your party, would you have me?

peace

our coming-of-age has come and gone

i never had the courage of my convictions

i could never give you peace

i'm a fire and i'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade, ocean wave blues come

all these people think love's for show but i would die for you in secret

would it be enough if i could never give you peace?

your integrity makes me seem small

i'd give you my sunshine, give you my best but the rain is always gonna come if you're standin' with me

hoax

you know i left a part of me back in new york

you knew the hero died so what's the movie for?

darling, this was just as hard as when they pulled me apart

don't want no other shade of blue but you. no other sadness in the world would do

the lakes

i don't belong and, my beloved, neither do you

Is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me?

those windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry

take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die

i’ve come too far to watch some namedropping sleaze tell me what are my words worth

i haven't moved in years

i want you right here

i want to watch wisteria grow

i'm setting off, but not without my muse

i’m setting off, but not without you

#inbox memes.#roleplay memes.#rph #rpc #taylor swift lyrics.

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rpmemesbyarat · 4 years ago

Conversation

RP Meme Lines from "AHS: Coven" Episode 8: "The Sacred Taking"

You don't go home till I say.

Make me fight for it

I'll carve you up in big thick slices, then plug every hole you got.

[NAME] set me straight.

You were never my friends.

You don't see me bitching out.

[NAME] filled my head with that bullshit, too.

That bitch will say anything if it gets her what she wants.

This isn't for you. Yet.

You just killed an innocent man!

This town ain't big enough for the two of us.

War is coming. And you're gonna lose.

I used to think I understood pain.

My body doesn't belong to me

The doctors say it's terminal.

Die before Thanksgiving, so none of us have to suffer through that mess of raisins and Styrofoam you call stuffing.

They say love is the best medicine.

You are so beautiful.

You're just a fool in love.

You like the way I look, take a picture.

I don't want you watching me decay.

Are you scared?

I'm not scared of dying.

I'm scared of living like this.

I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of me killing myself.

I'll stay alive just to spite them.

I just have to figure out which one of those little pecker-heads it is.

They worship the devil.

Look what they did to you.

You don't get it! They saved me!

Nothing happened in that house.

You brought this on yourself.

You had no business going that house.

You're unclean.

Take off your pants.

She's hurting him.

Let's get back to the battle plan.

I want to slit her throat.

You have to stay hidden until it's time.

She cannot know you're back.

We have one shot. That's it.

Our plan has to be flawless. So does the execution.

Failure turns this into a suicide mission.

You have to save me.

I knew the world could be a dark and evil place.

I tried to disappear into nature. But I have been found.

Aw, you probably have no idea where you are.

You've been through a terrifying ordeal, but you came back.

The cicadas have stopped singing.

Somebody is looking to kill me.

You were set on fire and left for dead.

Whatever troubles you had, they are ours now.

Don't worry. You're amongst friends.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Given my wretched appearance, maybe it's a good thing you're blind as a butter knife.

How did your hair grow back so quick?

What have they done to you?

I've lost my eyes.

Our journey starts today.

We're gonna be busy all night.

Why can't he watch porn and jerk off like any other guy?

Be good, baby.

We'll have fun later.

I feel like a queen.

You thought it was you, didn't you?

Well, I knew it wasn't you

It could be any one of us.

It's not a gift. It's a burden.

Now, give me your hands.

We're ready to begin.

Can you imagine those poor Salem witches, traveling all the way down here in covered wagons without a proper charcuterie platter or a bidet? Absolutely savage!

Does nobody see the flaw in this plan?

I just love this room, especially the walk-in closet.

I need that.

Surprise, bitch.

I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

How soon can you have all of your stuff out of here?

I really need my own room.

I can't wait to break it in.

What are you?

Who brought you back?

Looks like you've got some 'splainin' to do.

We all know the playbook on this.

I'm gonna bring marshmallows and graham crackers to make s'mores.

As my powers grow, yours fade away.

Let me break this down for yo, and stop me if I talk too fast; I'm in, you're out.

You can swallow these pills and go to sleep. Stop suffering. And stop our suffering. The choice is yours.

Is everyone back from the dead, or have I already died and gone to heaven?

That's not one of the choices, darling.

I have finally found someone I belong to. Someone I truly love.

No details, darling. I couldn't bear it.

I am very ill, [NAME]. I won't last long.

You haven't thought through this, [NAME]

You're still my beautiful angel.

This dream of a perfect love you're clinging to is just a nasty trick life is playing on you.

You will die the same way you lived your life; alone and disappointed by everyone.

What's the matter?

He won't stay till the end. They promise, but they don't.

You are nothing but an envious old bitch.

This whole room smells of death!

I'll die soon. I promise.

How'd it go?

Why can't it be me?

You have no style and your pits smell like fish sticks.

You guys suck balls.

Come hold this mirror for me.

Life is a carnival, [NAME].

I was so crazy about him.

Some play it safe on the merry-go-round, others go for the thrills on the roller coaster.

I mean, I could sit here and boo-hoo my choices, torment myself over the selfish detours I have taken. But what good

would it do now? Hmm?

Do me a favor, get me my fur from the closet.

It was preemptive, I suppose, my leaving. Get out of town before they run you out on a rail.

I've always been rigorous about not staying too long at the party. Bad form.

Know when it's over.

I could never pull off the corals.

You need to take this. We must purge you of this poison.

I was murdered.

I see everything.

I am finally trying to do something decent

You're making a martyr of yourself by giving up.

You've been tricked.

I won't permit it.

I don't understand.

They've been running a number on you.

They've been leading you to your doom with lies.

You've always been my silent sentinel.

Ain't they feeding you?

Whatever did I do to deserve this betrayal?

Didn't you like my pot pie and my peach crumble I learned how to make just for you?

You put me in here.

You can get me out.

This cage is just unfit for a human. Which is why it's so perfect for you.

You know, when I had the idea to have you brought back to me, I thought of all the many ways I could dispose of you. But I've found it give me great pleasure just to know you in a cage.

I'm not your damn maid!

I wouldn't be so eager to show my arrogance from that side of the cage.

What you gonna do? Kill me? I can't die.

Eh, throw me back in the box.

I seen enough of this world.

You think I only have those two choices?

The mistake you make is from a lack of imagination.

I'm not afraid of you. I wouldn't give you that satisfaction.

This gave me no satisfaction. But we've only just begun.

How dare you come into my house after what you've done.

Stay away from her!

I made you and I can unmake you.

Don't leave me!

It's Schubert's last sonata. It's all about acceptance of death.

This is so incredibly stressful and weird.

You don't feel anything?

My stomach feels like a storm's about to hit, but it's probably just my nerves.

I'm not exactly what you call a natural born leader.

Your feet should be getting warmer.

I'm told it starts as a tingle in the cooch.

You can't be in here.

We're under attack.

None of us are safe.

I might have slept until noon.

You didn't really make this coffee all on your own, did you?

If you're waiting for me to get down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness, you can forget it. It's not gonna happen.

Now you're proud?

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay memes #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #ahs #ahs coven

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verobatto · 5 years ago

Text

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XXXVIII

It was a love story from the very beginning.

I can't be mad at you.

(8x21/8x22 1st part)

Hello my friends!!! We are so close to finish season 8!!!! I can't believe how far we have come with these series of metas! I'm emotional right now... 😢💚💙

I had to put episode 22 in two parts so I can analyze in a better way.

I want to say thank you to my friend @agusvedder because she made the gifs for this meta, Thank you girl!! 😘💕💕

Now let's start talking about Castiel... And how after ran away, he had Dean present...

Smart Heart and Beer

In episode 8x21 The Great Escapist (Edlund's) we are in front of a great strategist as Castiel is. He was avoiding the angel using the different locations of Biggerson's restaurant.

He had a little chat with one of the waitress, and asked for an interesting dish with tempura...

KARA: Uh, I'm sorry, mister, but you're gonna have to order more than coffee if you wanna keep the table.

CASTIEL: Of— of course, um. [glances at a menu] I'll have the smart-heart beer-battered tempura tempters.

KARA: Of course. Coming right up.

Read at that dish choice, the name is so symbolic... Smart heart... Is Castiel battered in beer... Is Dean.

Even knowing he had to left Dean behind, choosing the was decision over any other emotion, Cas is still battered in beer, he's still thinking about Dean and what he did to him. We will know better in episode 8x22 when he will try to fix things with the hunter.

What other proof do we have to say Cas was thinking about Dean, to protect him, and missing him and worried about how Dean would be feeling now? Well... This scene right here ...

Who's that good friend? Obviously he is talking about Dean, so, we had two comments Cas made about Dean. Proofs that he had him in mind, worried about him... Gawd... Destiel is gonna be the death of me... I'll be writing Destiel metas from my grave when I get old and die.

Castiel is special

The whole conversation Cas had with Naomi was revealing to us, because we understood there how many time the angel tried to control Castiel's rebellious and unpredictable behavior.

CASTIEL: We were supposed to be their shepherds, not their murderers.

NAOMI: Not always, angel. There was that day, back in Egypt, not so long ago, where we slew every first-born infant whose door wasn't splashed with lamb's blood. And that was just PR.

The word angel here, is used with irony, because it seems Castiel had an odd idea about what an angel should be. Against what an angel really is. Castiel talks about a divine and Righteous mission, angels should follow, is the same thing he said to Hester, because he really believes it. But Naomi knows that's an utopia. And that mission isn't in their priorities.

CASTIEL: Well, I wasn't there.

NAOMI: Oh, you were there. You just don't remember it.

NAOMI: (...)You have never done what you were told. Not completely. You don't even die right, do you? Where is the angel tablet, Castiel?

Naomi is just naming and naming what she thinks is failures of Castiel... But those are not failures... Those are characteristics that not angel has, and that's what make Castiel unique. Hated and Loved by his own kind.

Sam in front of too much Destiel drama

Okay, jumping now to episode 8x22 Clip Show, at the beginning of this episode we had a Destiel fight... It was very hard, because ... Poor Sammy was there... But ...

First of all we have to pay attention to the first scene... We had this character Tommy, from Wendigo episode in season 1, and there was this line...

GIRL: I can't believe you finally came up here with me.

TOMMY COLLINS: Why wouldn't I?

This is like the feeling inside Dean right now... He can't believe Castiel is back, but he can show him he's happy, because he's mad at the same time, and he need to show him how hurt he's, like a lesson, a hard one. Because he's so in love, he needs to overreact to it...

Dean's reaction is too way too much my friends, for just a buddy mad at his buddy, you know? Like... Dean was the jiltter lover here, I'm telling you... Look at this scene...

Ugh... Cold war my friends... Look how I'm ignoring you, because Dean is a schoolgirl in love, he will apply the cold war on Cas...

CAS: (...)I like this bunker. It's orderly.

SAM: Oh, give us a few months. Dean wants to get a ping-pong table.

CASTIEL: I've heard of that. It's a game, right?

Okay, why I'm pointing this out? Because a ping pong warnof cold words is about to start between CAS and Dean.

Ohhh this quote... The "I can go with you" a classic... But it doesn't work this time...

DEAN: Everything? Like, uh... Like ignoring us?

CASTIEL: Yes.

And here is when the US/WE gets started... Dean, heartbroken as he was, he confessed his feelings for Castiel and he was REJECTED, he saw Castiel didn't trust him, so he covered his soul again with this armor, pushing his feelings down, and there will be no more YOU AND ME, but this shield named YOU, ME, AND DAM. WE / US .

And he said it... He said what it hurted so much... But that's no everything... He said I NEED YOU, and Cas didn't respond to that, "I GAVE YOU NU HEART AND YOU JUST SMASHED IT".

That's why there's not apologize that would work with Dean right now.

Oooooohhh boom! Okay... That's one of the things, I think, Dean likes from CAS. Castiel is always trying to do the right thing. But right now... That's one of the things it took him away. So... Yeah... He's being hard with Castiel. He needs Castiel to realize how hurted he was... He needed Castiel to be worried about it. To recognize what he did to him by running away, after he confessed, and not trust him. Just the same feeling he had when he came back from Purgatory...

And the eye fucking... Okay guys...this is too much...

And pray for Sammy please. And the subtext in his words... "Do we have a room 7B?" Immediately after the old married couple fight and the eye fucking... Is reflecting his truly thoughts... "Guys... Just get a room."

Once Sam and Dean were alone, Sammy tried to be a mediator between them, but there was not resolution, Dean was very hurted, more hurted than mad, even if Sam said he should forgive him BECAUSE IS CAS.

But even so we had this scene...

Obviously we know who made that pop corn to CAS, right? It was Dean... Maybe after Sam's words... Okay... Dean can't be mad at him... For too long.

Crazy love is crazy...

But also... Castiel eating popcorn, could work as a foreshadow for Human!Cas.

Miscellaneous

The whole meaning with curing a demon, was a foreshadow for Demon!Dean and the way they will cure Dean. Even Crowley tasting the humanity, will be a Castiel mirror, and a foreshadow for Human!Castiel too.

To Conclude:

Castiel is a smart angel, he takes war decisions and is a very clever strategist.

He is different form other angel, and the things Naomi marked as failures in him, is what make Castiel unique.

Cas was away from Dean, but subtextually he named him twice while he was in his dangerous mission, what makes us infer, he was aware and thinking about Dean, and he knew his actions towards him will have some consequences.

Dean acted like a jiltter lover. He felt abbandoned and betrayed and rejected by Castiel in the crypt, after he manifested his feeling for him, so, it wouldn't be easy for him to forgive Castiel.

Even so, we saw he prepared pop corn for CAS .. like a contradictory behavior towards him, but a delicate attention to his friend. Also, Castiel eating pop corn could work as a foreshadow for Human!Castiel.

Hope you liked this, see you in the next Chronicles.

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20 @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica

If you want to be tagged, just let me know

If you want to read the previous metas, here are the links...

Vol. XXXI, Vol. XXXII, VOL. XXXIII, VOL XXXIV, VOL. XXXV, VOL. XXXVI, VOL. XXXVII

Buenos Aires, November 19th 2019 7:43 PM

#destiel #destiel chronicles #destiel meta #supernatural meta #season 8 meta #vol. xxxviii

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nerdy-teddy · 5 years ago

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I don't know how much more fight I have in me tbh. I mean I know I will survive, I always survive, but I think I have to come to terms with the fact I stopped living at some point. I don't know if that point was within the last 6 months or further back but at some point I just entered survival mode. I'm not progressing on any goals, truthfully I don't think I have any goals left I care about. Or atleast have the energy or will to tackle. My diet is fucked, I have been having zero luck on my job search and as things are going in a few more months I'll be utterly broke. I know at some point I will have to just suck it up and get anything just to stay afloat. I don't want to stay in this town, really this state truthfully. It's always been a sad idea to die in the town I was born in an never to have moved.

I thought a bit today about how I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not, just to keep others happy. I'm not strong, I'm weak, I let people use me, I let people walk all over me and I basically say thanks. I'm not the emotionless person everyone knows me as, I'm soft and I care deeply and I get hurt. But it seems once I let people see that side of me they leave shortly after. It hurts coming to the conclusion that I may never know what it's like to have someone in my life. That I will simply be alone for ever. It's funny my whole life I have always been big, like fat as fuck, so I put extra effort into trying to not take up space or get in people's way. I'm pretty sure I have mastered the ability to not be noticed in plane sight, almost like my aura vanishes. I have had friends walk straight past me so many times in public. I feel this is now not a good thing.

There really is only like 3 things I would miss if I moved away, my immediate family, my 1 friend I have left, and the almond blossoms every year. That's it sadly.

I keep applying for jobs in Oregon, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Texas, and Oklahoma. Never hear back on anything. It really makes me feel worthless, useless, and an utter failure. I'm already struggling to not breakdown crying each day and this doesn't help at all. Though I guess I'm still good at hiding my sadness and falling apart from family, though I am becoming irritated easier and isolating more and more, constantly canceling plans.

I need help but I don't want to worry, stress, or burden anyone, so I will continue to keep it to myself and slowly fade away a little bit more. I'm sorry to those who read this and/or know me, it's not your fault, it never is or was.

#ramblings #today has been hard #i dont think many people care anymore

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chimericalpoeticlout · 6 years ago

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A letter from a lost creature

My dearest aunt, uncle and cousins,

There are so many things to thank for and they shan't be uttered nor whispered but more be written.

I asked a grumpy old man once, "how do you define sucess?". Not a single blink he replied, "my legacy... ". For more than a thousand days i thought of what he mentioned and all the while i simply think of it as gibberish. Forgive my language but life has been shitty these past years that even the thought of where to belong is hard, how much more of finding that true meaning of success that old man told me.

Days, weeks, months and years passed, still the two season of the country i was born to live in and oughtly thought to die seem not to give me a single hint. I have tried to live by a day at a time with alcohol and friends and found not the answers but episodes of hangover. I tried making my own family, got married but i guess family doesnt suit my fallen ass. Ripped my jeans, tagged along with guns and bullets, cuddled with different women but the definition still blurrs. I FEEL EMPTY.

It came twice the age when i asked him and i find it considerably horrifying not to figure out what it is. What is success? And why the hell am i talking about it in this piece of writing that i am supposed to be thanking a family for instead of having these thoughts in an airport?

It took 3 seasons for me to fill that gap of emptiness. To see what legacy is and what sucess is.

Seeing how summer seem to enlighten me with the warmth of a family love fills a little happiness to that emptiness. All along, the friends i thought were family never came through when things got rough. Although some died but their death meant nothing to others. For me it does. Always! I see now why people like the summer. Not because it is warm and that they can do a lot of things outside their homes but for me, summer brings family together with their burdens dropped at their houses carrying those smiles and happiness outside.

Autumn brings a preparation of sadness. It's as if you start to wrap yojrself to protect it from a coming storm. Sort of a warning, telling you to be ready. For a time to weep and grief. Along comes fall. They are simply disappointments, failures and mistakes. Had tons of those actually. But never the regrets, a couple actually.

Winter. Not everyone loves it but sure looks nice! Imagine a shiny glittery jacket wrapped on you but extremely heavy. Heavy of sorrows, worries and depression. The weather brings you to your darkest thoughts but im truly impressed hke thry get to find the silver lining out of such.

Enough of the nonsense. This is just too much to read i know but there is so much to be thankful for. I simply wanna emphasize how the weather has groomed me to figure out simple yet amazing things in life. And i would like the kids to know how lucky they are and i hope they remind themselves of that always.

Family. It is something i am trying to build now, working on it. I know the kids are truly thankful about your family but i hope they somehow get a bit of jest about how i see your family in my eyes. Growing up not having the right pillars was never easy. It is not that i blame them, of course every decision i have id mine to bear but it is truly different when you have someone to talk to. When you can just tell someone hoe your day has been. I mean yes the girls were there, but someone older and wiser means a lot different. Be thankful. You would never find the coolest parents in the world. You have what it is that ate lovely and i dreamt of all these years. A family built with love. And for a bit of time, i felt that. Thank you.

Attention. Since things came out differently with my ma and pa, i only get this mostly from my friends. And of course, mommy. But never was there a time that i got them from my folks. Each time i got to church and see an entire family praise and thank God. Oh such a wishful thinking! Thank you for the, "you can do it!" words from you tita and tito. If you only know how much it squeezes my heart and drops bed of tears. And how much it feels for u to say, "good job" makes everything feel so right. Perhaps its been years that i havent heard those words. Thank you.

Love. At times i know i lack of it. The feeling that i bear witness how my family fell apart and the family i tried to build never really worked makes it so difficult to find one and even feel or ask if someone truly feel the same way for me. I know it has been hard for you to welcome me, to get in that circle, a hundred times and more have i disappointed your expectations on me that coming here makes me think much about the simplest love and intentions you have for me all the while you expect me to do something... It was never for you, but for me. Your wisdom was always right. It may be too late and you may nkt have heard me say this, but i am truly sorry for my mistakes, but thank you for understanding.

Kindness. All this time i have been wondering how trulg blessed i am to have you guys. I know i am totally a stranger to the kids, also to you and tito having years of less hi's and hello's. I know. It's hard. I know it is never easy to let some stranger get in, let alone someone who disappointments you in the moments of need and hope. But still your kindness not just to me but to every person you meet, they fall in love with the joy, fun, love and kindness with the family. So if yku ever ask why you are so blessed, God always stayed in your hearts. He nurtured it to spread his love and kindness to everyone. And that is a blessing that no one can easily understand but i know i do. Thank you.

Tita, tito and kids. My warmest thanks again for everything. For a quickest months of my life, has made life worth living. As to many times i likely to kill myself in the basement, ykur famkly gave me a very strong will and motivation for myself, "Someday i'll have one like that". You filled this emptiness with love and hope renewing how i see life. When im back home, i shall always think of ways tk spread the love, support and kindness to the rest of the family. Somehow giving them hope, that our side of the family still has hope not just to greet the hi's and hello's but i hope to know that someday, i hear "how are you" and "see you soon" or even a "tske care" and "i got you". I shall bring that filled part of emptiness with hopes that someday i make it whole again. That someday i have my own definition of success. My own definition of legacy. And that i can say, success is a perception on how you want your legacy would become.

Thank you my Kanata family. I shall keep you in my heart always with hopes, dreams and motivations.

Yours indefinitely,

Chimerical poetic lout

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seacreek · 5 years ago

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I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.

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