#I was crying today because I almost felt insane.. I liked someone so much and I am 100% sure he liked me at one point

[haneensters]

even though I have been hurt, I will forever have love and hope in my heart and in my surroundings. love will always reach me

[kunikuyu]

Until he gets tired.

Heian Era! Ryomen Sukuna x Male! Reader

Warnings: 🕊️ DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT. Dom! sukuna, sub! reader. reader is simply crazy. Size kink, cut play, mention of the term 'sex slave', dub-con, sex even when passed out, bulge in the belly, begging, abusive relationship, words written intentionally wrong, sukuna has two dicks, fainting, monster romance (for obvious reasons). DNI MINORS.

Summary: Being Sukuna's partner is something completely insane. Aside from the fact that Sukuna is incapable of loving anyone, he seems to take a twisted pleasure in hurting his partners. Every night, [Name] knows that the next day, he will wake up completely destroyed.

The climate was pleasant. Not too cold, not too hot, a gentle breeze blew through the walls and windows of Sukuna's temple. But what made everything scary and strange were the screams that came from inside.

Today was a special day. [Name] and Sukuna, the king of curses, had completed a hundred years together, as partners. Normally no one would celebrate this, since... Who would want to stand next to Sukuna? No one would be crazy enough to do that.

But, [Name] is.

"Uhm~ 'Kuna..."

The ancient sorcerer purrs. [Name] was sitting in the lap of the curse, skin completely exposed for anyone to see, but protected so no one can touch. And of course no one would touch, who would even dare to come close to the one who is so 'well taken care of' by Ryomen Sukuna. His chest was already completely red and full of small cuts, which were leaking almost invisible drops of blood. He didn't even know how he managed to stay awake anymore, it seemed simply impossible not to pass out there. Not because of the small and insignificant loss of blood, but rather for the pain in his lower parts.

[Name] couldn't move, couldn't even dare breathe wrong, if he didn't want to get slapped in the face. It seemed like an impossible task, and it really was, since Sukuna's dick wasn't just anything, or just an organ. It was big, ridiculously big, it seemed like a joke to imagine that it could fit on someone. So much so that only the cockhead managed to enter the sorcerer's body.

But Sukuna didn't care at all, of course not. He smiled when he saw his flushed face, expressing pain and clearly distorted pleasure. And instead of helping, he only makes the situation worse, squeezing hard around [Name]'s entire length so that he's unable to cum. This felt more like a punishment than a reward for staying by his side for so long.

"Such a dirty little whore... Are you that used to it? Don't you even scream in desperation for me to get out of you? I don't know if I find this interesting or pathetic." He says, with his typical arrogant and self-centered tone.

Deciding that he would take things more seriously, the King of Curses pulls [Name]'s hands close enough to him, so that the younger man is completely lying on top of Sukuna, being the perfect target for the all-out aggression the older man has in mind. He liked seeing his partner like this, but he much preferred seeing him screaming and crying because he couldn't handle his dick.

[Name] lets out a howl of pain as his severed chest is thrown hard against Sukuna's chest. It was like a thousand needles going into his skin because of the small cuts located in the area, but he still managed to find pleasure in the pain.

"Sukuna...! That hurts...!"

"I know."

Suddenly, agonizing screams of pain can be heard from far away. The screams were definitely from [Name], who was now being fucked mercilessly. He drooled against the other man's shoulder while still going through the trouble of jerking off his other cock. It was always so painful, the older man's balls aggressively slapped his ass, while his dick reached the deepest layer of his body, crushing his prostate with ease.

"Stop, please!~ Sho painf- ah!"

He doesn't even have time to complain before another of Sukuna's tricks is revealed. The two bodies completely glued together served so that the mouth on the monster-man's stomach could willingly take in [Name]'s red and swollen cock. He doesn't even know what to feel. It hurts, but he's about to cum!

And...

...To faint...

This lasts all night, and several times, [Name] even faints. It didn't end until Sukuna got tired, and he could never easily get tired of his beloved sex slave. When [Name] wakes up in the morning, a small pool of blood was formed on his bed, and next to the bed, a calm and silent Sukuna was cleaning his own body, which was dirty with fluids from both of them. When looking at his body, the sorcerer realizes that his chest was no longer the only thing that was bleeding, but his entire body. His belly was even full, certainly from Sukuna's loads of cum, which were clearly not few. He can barely stay awake for long before passing out again from exhaustion and blood loss.

[miruac]

dating tenya iida headcanons - part three

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warnings: extremely self indulgent, not proofread, reverse comfort!!! for iida!!! because even an uptight strong person like him has his moments!!!!

a/n: you guys are EATING these headcanons up...thank you to all of you who like my content, im so glad that theres actually people who like iida as much as i do out there <333 also i will be creating a taglist for this series, so please send me a request if youd like to be added!!

this headcanon popped up into my head as i was taking off my mascara today but like if youre too tired to, iida will gladly take off your makeup for you

he does it so softly and gently im gonna sob

while doing so he's whispering sweet nothings to you(EXCEPT HE MEANS EVERYTHING)

"you're so gorgeous. *wipe* everything about you intrigues me. *wipe*. im so glad that you let me be with you. *wipe* "wait-why are you crying??"

he's such a good cuddler guys omg

going back to my headcanon on how he's touchstarved, it takes a while for him to open up to cuddling

hes worried that he'll act inappropriately and would fear if something he did anything to you

but slowly and surely he warmed up, and now almost everyday you guys are just lounging in each others arms

he's a little stiff, but he figures how you like to be cuddled and he also enjoys it

as long as he's with you he'll be okay

iidas a gossiper. no one argue with me

he won't create false rumours

but he keeps an open ear, and ALWAYS happens to overhear the drama

when he tells you everything he knows your jaw DROPS

because no way does someone so goody goody like him talks shit

but its okay you guys have like designated days to spill everything you know to each other

probably over some snacks too while youre at it

reverse comfort time!!! because our big hunk has his moments too!!!!

during the stain incident, he had so many breakdowns

over his brothers condition, his familys wellbeing, the fact that his brother was actually attacked by a villain

but the major thing was that iida was the successor to ingenium

growing up he knew he was gonna become ingenium at some point, but he didn't think it would be this early

he had a panic attack in the middle of the night, about whether he was worthy enough to actually BE ingenium

in the middle of the night, he knocked on your door

you opened it to find iida with his hair all messy, glasses slanted and almost falling off his nose, while he had tear streaks running down his eyes

when he sees you, he's apologizing profusely under his breath(he's scared he's bothering you :()

"imsorryiknowitslateandireallyshouldntbeherebutididntknowwhattodoand-" "iida?" "iknowimbreakingsomerulesrightnowandiknowiwillhavetofacetheconsequences-" "iida?" "butididntknowwhereelsetogoand-" "iida. you're spiraling, come inside."

he almost crumbles when you let him in, as he trudges to sit on your bed whilst wiping his face

you hand him a bottle of water while you sit next to him, ears open

seeing him cry made your heart crack a little bit, because iida doesn't cry unless he's under an insane amount of pressure

he slowly opened up about how he felt unprepared to become the new ingenium heir in such a short time and if he really was worthy of taking the name for himself

all while you held his hand and listened intently

you two ended up cuddling, you lying down while he had his head on your chest and his arms around you

your fingers were playing with his hair as you were reassuring him through all of it, and he realized he likes his hair to be played with

"y/n?" "hmm?" "thank you." "of course, tenya."

the next morning you got to class and on your desk was a little origami flower with a little note from iida as a thank you

he HATES arguing

he hates it so much he doesn't like getting angry in general, especially at you

when you guys have your first argument he doesn't really know what to say because this is his first relationship, and he wasn't sure how to navigate his feelings

but he never snaps ever; at most his voice gets a little bit louder and his tone is a little more rushed

he never wants to raise his voice at you, so he goes off alone for a little while to cool his head. then, if both of you are ready he'll try his best to tell you his persepective of things

after almost a year of dating, he's more open with showing pda but still gets a little shy

its time!!! to meet the family!!!! tensei has heard of you through iida, and you two have met briefly when you visited him in the hospital with iida

you're a bit scared that his parents won't like you or will think you aren't good enough for their son but theyre not like that at all!!!

he brings you home during the break between first year to second year

when you got to his place your jaw DROPPED

sure hes the brother of ingenium a famed hero but this mans house is NICE(like this as an example but a lot of backyard space)

its not like extravagant but big enough to make you question the amount of money you have in your bank account

he squeezes your hand reassuringly to calm your nerves before you go inside

when you guys go inside, you're greeted by his mother and his brother

his dad was at the agency clearing up some paperwork

his mom is so sweet im gonna cry

she's so welcoming and very patient with you, and she gladly shakes your hand and even welcomes you with a hug

she shows you to the room where you're staying for the time being, and when you get to the room your jaw drops even MORE

it has its own bathroom, the bed is huge, and theres so much lounging space

not to mention the view??? ok im done yapping about houses

theres a special pyjama set on the bed and slippers for you

during dinner you guys converse about how you and iida met, and how life is at ua

after dinner you and his mom gossiped about work stories and stories of raising iida

she showed you baby pictures of him and oh my god HE WAS SO CUTEE

when he first got his engines i headcanon he didnt know how to stop and he hit the wall.....so theres just a picture of a baby iida shaped dent in the wall

your new nickname for him after seeing that was "wall wrecker"

his dad came home a little later and greeted you with a firm handshake

it was a little scary meeting his dad but he seemed to be pleased, just a little quiet and strict

iida showed you to your room when it got late and gave you a little goodnight hug and peck on the cheek

"thank you for letting me bring you home. i hope my mother isn't too...overbearing."

HES SO CUTE IM GONNA CRY

the next day he took you out on a little picnic date at this park

held you in his arms while you watched the petals fall im SICK TO MY STOMACH

he after the picnic he took you out to dinner at this higher fancy restaurant

he held your hand the entire time im gonna barf hes so cute

ignored all your requests to split the bill and he paid the full thing(eat the rich im gonna eat HIM)

you guys watched the sunset while walking home and it was so nice to spend the day with him

the entire day he was telling you stories of the places he took you

he literally never let go of your hand during the day, but his face was still a little red <3 i love him so much im gonna sob

"everytime i look at you im stunned by your beauty. you're even more radiant than those sakura leaves, darling."

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a/n: WAHHHHH HES SO CUTE IM GONNA CRYYYYYYY

guys i know youve all been looking forward to part 3 but lowk this one was a little rushed and last minute but i hope it lives up to your expectations :3 nuubiii signing off!!!

[dizzyjelly]

Help Me Out?

Word Count: 1.7k

Summary: You're popular and you ask the smartest girl in class to help you out with your math work, and how could she say no? She was confused as you start to actually become friends. Because she didn't understand why someone like you would take an interest in someone like her.

Cw: reader cries bc of a mean teacher, kinda loser!ellie, reader fights with her fake ass friend.

A/n: this is actually based off a real life experience, I was sadly the loser in this situation 😔 also I obviously dramatized it for the story but yeahh, anyways enjoy! There will be a part 2.

You had to be the most confusing girl Ellie has ever met. She wondered why on earth you spent your time talking to her, when you were so popular. It wasn't unknown that Ellie was a lesbian, actually it was pretty much what she was known for. But you didn't seem to care.

Math was never your strong suit, in fact you'd always struggle with it. Ellie, however, was amazingly good at it. She had her heart set on becoming an astronaut one day, and so she figured that she'd have to understand math. Joel helped her to do just that, but he also made sure she excelled.

Anytime your math teacher spoke, it sounded like complete gibberish to you. You'd even cry some nights, you know on the days she would yell at the entire class about how stupid they were. It just felt like she was singling you out. And not to mention all the passive aggressive notes she'd leave on your assignments or tests. One day, you figured why not ask Ellie for help?

She was utterly confused. Why would someone like you talk to someone like her? And out of your own free will.

"Ellie? I'm really sorry to bother you, but can you help me out..?" Your voice was quiet and you sounded timid almost.

At first, she was silent. She kind of just stared at you. But eventually, she came to her senses.

"Yeah of course! What's up?" You smiled, she spoke so kindly to you.

"Here, let me just-" you got up and stood at her desk, "number 6, and basically everything after it. I just don't get it.." You sigh softly.

"Okay, this is what I wrote." She said, merely handing you her paper.

"No, I don't want to copy yours. Can you explain it to me?" You ask, looking over at her now with pleading eyes.

Ellie nodded, giving you a thin-lipped smile before she began to talk and point things out. You wrote what she told you to and hummed every now in then with understanding. Eventually she'd helped you complete the whole thing, and you were beyond thankful.

This kind of interaction would continue to happen between the two of you for the next couple weeks. Your teacher had grown.. annoyed with this behavior. For some unknown reason she just had it out for you, because when you walked into class today, she announced a seat change.

Ellie was already in class, so she got up from her former seat and stod at the front of the room along with everyone else. You made your way to stand beside her, crossing your arms out of frustration.

As your teacher began assigning new seats, you sighed. Ellie looked over at you, but said nothing. So you decided to start the conversation.

"God I hate her. She's probably doing this just so I'll fail." You whisper.

"Whay do you mean?" Ellie whispers in return.

"You've been.. helping me out lately. I guess she just can't stand to see me succeed." You frown softly.

Ellie turns to face you once again, noticing how upset you really were. She didn't know what to say, or do. So she kept quiet and waited for her new seat assignment. After a few more minutes everyone was settled in their new seats.

You and Ellie were sat just about as far away as possible. This was definitely personal. Throughout class, you struggled tremendously. God this was just what your stupid math teacher wanted.

That day, you took it upon yourself to find Ellie at lunch. If she was shocked that you'd even speak to her, just imagine how insane she found it when you sat at her lunch table. Usually she sat alone, not because she didn't have friends, but they all had different lunch hours.

She felt so entranced by you, every word you said felt like it was burned into her brain. She admired you, truly. Even if she thought she had no chance with you. Ellie figured you were straight. Everyone knew you had a boyfriend last year, until you didn't. That was beside the point. Falling for a "straight" girl wasn't the first thing on her list, but that's what was happening.

"I literally hate her!" You complained.

"I know," Ellie nodded. "She is pretty annoying."

While Ellie wasn't fond of your math teacher either, she'd lie if she was. She'd agree with anything you said. God she felt pathetic.

"Fucking tell me about it.." You scoffed.

Ellie was confused when you say with her everyday for the rest of the week, but she wasn't complaining. She'd gotten to know you better. And she was quite impressed with who you really turned out to be.

She always thought high school girls like you were mean, but you were so sweet to her. Ellie had enjoyed spending more time with you, and she had no problem helping you out with your math work too. You were starting to get the hang of it, but it still didn't make complete sense to you.

Friday was your breaking point, you were just beyond frustrated by your work. Your teacher was busy on thr phone, so you figured why not. And you stood and walked over to Ellies desk. She blushed deeply as you'd gotten very close to her and whispered in her ear.

But you couldn't have been trying to flirt, you were just trying to be discreet, right? She began to explain the problem to you, perfectly ad always. And you were ready to thank her and start working, but before you could, your teacher called out your name angrily.

"What are you doing out of your seat. You have got to be one of the worst students I've ever had. Get back to your seat, now!" This time, her words genuinely hurt you.

Ellie watched you nervously, noticing how you'd gone silent and the way your bottom lip quivered. Her eyes widened and she felt so terrible when you began to cry. Your face ran red hot as you could feel everyone staring at you.

Ellie sighed softly and stood up, unsure what she should do. But she didn't have to guess because you stepped forward and wrapped your arms around her, resting your head on her shoulder. Ellie felt so awkward, and, she felt dizzy almost. Holding her arms around you felt so unreal, but god did it feel good.

Your teacher ended up sending the both of you to the hallway. Where you'd sit against some lockers, your knees pulled to your chest and your head resting in your arms. Ellie sat beside you, crisscross applesauce as she looked over at you and waited. She was waiting for you to say something, anything.

"Sorry.. I'm just overreacting.." You'd finally whisper.

"But you're not," Ellie was quick to reassure, and she placed a comforting hand on your shoulder, "she's been so mean to you for so long. Your completely valid to be upset by her.." her voice was quiet and soft.

"Thank you.." You smiled as you whispered, resting your head against Ellie's shoulder and wrapping your hands gently around her forearm.

She'd just nod in response then try and breathe regularly, which felt impossible when you were all over her like this. God, what did you do to her? After some time passed the bell rang and you two made your way to lunch. As you walked your interlocked your arm with Ellie's, which earned you a few glares.

You were relieved to just be able to sit down and have lunch, and relax. But that peace didn't last long when one of the girls you used to sit with decided to approach you and Ellie. She sat beside you and stared at Ellie as if she were some kind of alien.

"So, this is what you're busy doing? Hanging out with.. her?" Olivia spoke with disgust.

Your brows furrowed with confusion, what was her issue? You scoffed softly before answering.

"Yeah." You begin, your tone was anything but kind, "she's way better company than any of you ever were. You guys are mean and.. fake. Ellie is nice and she actually makes me feel good about myself." Ellie watched with amazement as you talked about her so highly.

"Whatever, you're a loser now anyways. We heard you cried in class.." She started to laugh at you.

"Jesus, who cares!" Ellie finally interjects, you watch her nervously, "look I know you think the most important thing in life is whether people think you're cool or not, which believe me, you're not, because you're just like every other basic bitch you hang out with. One day you're going to realize that wow, you peaked in high school, and it all goes downhill from here. Now would you please leave us alone?" Her words came off confident and snarky.

But you saw how her hands shook in her lap. She was so nervous. You smiled at her, she did that for you. Nobody ever did that kind of stuff for you. She really was.. good company.

While Ellie had fallen for you first so clearly, you fell a lot harder. Some part of you always knew you wanted to be more than just her friend, but it wasn't until now that it really hit you. As Olivia got up and walked away, Ellie could tell how you looked at her differently.

"Ellie.." You whisper, and she nods, "you're the best." You settle on a friendly compliment, because oh my God!

You liked Ellie, you'd never expect that. Not because she was a girl, but just because she was Ellie. And it's not that she was unattractive or anything. But you two were just so different. It didn't make total sense, if any.

"Oh, thank you.." She blushed.

"Hey, let's hang out after school." You spoke with excitement, "I could sleep over!" Ellies eyes widened at that.

Immediately she thought about the two of you.. in the same bed. God what would she do. She'd have to figure it out, because of course, she agreed. You couldn't wait for the school day to end.

[sass-ruby]

Okay so um, I'm gonna be talking about these two episodes today! (Prepare BECAUSE OH MY GOSH.)

Alright, we'll start with the first one. Can I just say that, moon absolutely angered me so much. Moon, NO ONE IS ASKING YOU FOR AN EMOTIONAL SPEECH NOR ANYTHING. It's the fact that you COMPLETELY ignored sun, didn't even bother to check up on him, and then went to work in your lab to find a solution?? Looks like history is repeating itself. But.. why? Why is the same thing repeating again? WELL I HAVE A THEORY! Sun's gonna die, someway, somehow and that's gonna be the only way moon realizes. I think this because of solar specifically. When solar heard that moon won't check up on sun, he sounded absolutely disgusted. Keep in mind, solar lived in HIS SUN'S head. That sun ALSO had a moon, and I bet solar has watched the same exact thing happen. And what happened when solar's sun died? Solar's moon went insane! Imagine the guilt moon would feel, gut wrenching. He probably ALREADY feels guilty, but would rather let it consume him whole than to comfort sun or AT THE VERY LEAST HUG HIM

Sun was there with moon during moon's (valid) breakdown, but moon being there for sun? NOOO, OF COURSE NOT!

Also if moon's gonna start with the "I'm not good with emotions" stuff, I'll lose it. YOU HAVE PROVEN IN OTHER VIDEOS THAT YOU CAN, MOON. Neptor's funeral, OR HELL WHEN THE WHOLE FINDING OUT DAZZLE'S SECRET THING HAPPENED. He listened about every kid, comforted, reassured, he was there. Although, now he's just ignoring sun. I think it's because he's a coward. And by a coward, I mean that he's too scared he'll say something wrong or make it worse, because the word is about NEXUS, someone who moon HATES, though sun loves nexus, evil or not, he was still his brother.

Moon doesn't understand that, he's jealous most likely. It reminds me so much of when nexus wasn't insane.. he was bad talking moon, and when moon returned? Moon was bad talking nexus. Both didn't want to be like each other, they DESPISE each other, calling each other knock off's (okay, THAT PART WAS KINDA FUNNY I'M SORRY.)

But.. where is sun in all of this? He missed each one. He loved each one. He loved them. He still loves them.

But they BOTH didn't understand how their words hurt sun. They're so similar in some ways, it's absurd. AND THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT. Reminds me of the song "over and over" by Rio Romeo.

If sun dying is the only way for moon to realize, I'll be willing to accept it even if it is quite sad. It's disappointing, truly.

Monty's and lunar's reaction, I expected honestly. By the way, lunar-, "he's doing worse than I thought he would be.." ARE YOU STUPID, HE JUST KILLED HIS EX BROTHER?? Didn't you go through the same damn thing too? As for monty, not even surprised one bit. He's always been like that, I never really liked him, but oh well.

And THANK YOU SOLAR FOR BEING THE ONLY SANE PERSON EXCEPT MAYBE EARTH BECAUSE GOSH THIS SHOW AIN'T FOCUSING ON SUN'S HEALTH MUCH.

The urge to b*tch slap almost everyone.

I genuinely want sun to have a breakdown, he chose moon, but moon didn't bother to even check up on him.

Gosh.

------------------------------

ANYWAYS, TODAY'S EPISODE!

Just gonna add this picture again, because why not

Wow- genuinely just wow- that was-.. wow

So dark sun DID end up doing something. I must've missed something in the past video, but interesting..

I heard a person say, I forgot who it was but that SUN was the key of this whole plan

He killed nexus, he pulled the trigger and made a choice which means.. that way other suns also made choices instead of not acting

I have NO idea how sun managed to make that happen, BUT THE THEORY MAKES SENSE

In a way, I was right- he IS trying to stop the dimensional abuse of suns by them killing their own moon, I SUCK AT EXPLAINING

if anyone can explain this theory better than me, PLEASE DO.

I felt so bad for the sun in this dimension. Poor thing. Sounded scared and terrified, while repeating "I hate you", while crying and also while bashing HIS moon's head with a barrel

I wanted to hug him QwQ poor baby.. we need a name for him

ALSO HE'S MY CHILD NOW. I'M ADOPTING HIM.

Moon tried his best to keep that sun at peace, WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO THE SAME TOPIC, WHY DOES HE HELP EVERYONE EXCEPT HIS SUN

I get it was a different situation BUT CMON.

I suppose I already ranted enough about that part, though

I would add more but I'm INCREDIBLY tired and all.. so um yeah-

[z0mbiekisses]

Another request QUEEN!! I loved loved loved the Josh fic it was amazing and has me coming back for more! First of all though, how are you? I realised we haven't talked much before lol. Anyways, my amazing spectacular request!!

RAB Tyler who is best friends/hiding his feelings with the reader. She's someone who works super hard, gets good grades and almost drives herself insane with all the extra curriculars she does yet still doesn't feel good enough. After having a stressful day she stops by his house feeling worthless and he comforts her, refusing to let her believe she's not amazing.

Thanks bestie!

AHHH THANK YOU BFF!!!🤗🤗 thank you so much for requesting more, you’re always welcomed i LOVE your ideas . i did kind of write this in a highschool setting 😣😣.

i’m okayy, very tiredd BUT we’ll push on through (hehe)💪 TYSM FOR ASKING, how are you??😁 it’s always nice to hear from you 🫶

thank you guys so much for ur recent support!! it means smmm, sorry this took so long and it’s short, i have some more things in the drafts that hopefully make up for it 🫶 requests are opened !!🩶

THIS IS ME TRYING !

i always did my best. in school, life, everything. i needed to get into college, i NEEDED to get out of my house. however, college isn’t cheap. and i don’t exactly have the best support system, so it’s up to me. i’m in film club, national honors society and student council. i spend whatever free time studying or at my best friend, tyler’s house. it’s overwhelming, but i didn’t have many options. if i wanted to get into a good school and start living my life the way I want to, this had to be done. but today was rough, i spent all of last night finishing my college essay just to go to school bright and early the next day. i was so exhausted, but what else was new. except i had a test in my first two classes, a presentation for national honors society. and i had to stay late for a student council meeting.

i was used to the stress, however today was just awful. every little thing that could go wrong went wrong. i was late to school because my car broke down, which meant i missed taking the test. i tried to beg my teacher to still let me take it but he only said he'll think about letting me make it up. i NEEDED to take this test, it was a huge part of my grade. it wasn't fair. i gave my presentation for NHS, which went fine. except everyone's presentations were WAY better than mine was. it was obvious the amount of effort and time they spent on it, sure i put effort into mines. i was just missing the time, since i stayed up all night wednesday putting it together. i felt like an idiot. i sat alone at lunch, i only shared my lunch period with one of my friends. but she was busy hanging with her boyfriend. i ended up skipping and just spending the time volunteering at the library. the more hours the better. the day seemed to drag on, especially since i had to stay later. like most if not all the other kids who did student council, we were only doing it for our college applications. i didn't get along well with the other kids. not in the way where we would fight or anything. they were all just so pretentious and snobby. they would always undermind me, as if i could never be an intellectual individual like them. i spent the whole 4 hours i had to stay there wanting to stick my face in a hot pan of oil. when it was all FINALLY over, i sat in my car for a minute. i felt so.. worthless. everything i did didn't feel like enough, maybe it wasn't enough. what's the point of doing all these things if i wasn't even good at any of it? it wasn't long before tears filled my eyes. but i watched as the other kids from student council walked over to their fancy cars. and i realized the last thing i needed was for them to see me crying in car that probably should've been in a junkyard AGES ago. i didn't want to go home, my parents would only make me feel worse. i called tyler and asked if i could come over. he said yes and with that i drove over to his house in silence. my thoughts racing through my head were the only things i could hear. i will never be good enough. for anyone, for anything. what is the point in even trying?

eventually i knocked on tyler's door. to which he answered with a smile. it was a struggle for me to return one back. i didn't say anything at first, tyler was telling me about some story about him and josh. i couldn't focus though, my head was spinning. tyler noticed, he reached out and touched my shoulder lightly. "what's going on y/n?", tyler spoke softly. i tried to shrug it off, but tyler was more stubborn than i was.

"i know you're not okay, what's up?", tyler looked over at me softly. i wanted to tell him not to worry about it. my problems were stupid anyways. but i knew tyler wasn't one to let these kind of things go.

"what is the point of trying if i'll never be good enough.."

"trying to do what?"

"everything.", i let out a sigh.

"all i do is try, try, try. and yet i always fall short every single time i mean- it's exhausting.", as much as i tried to fight it tears fell from my eyes.

"i'm not good enough i-"

"y/n please.", tyler reached out and held my hand.

"you are more than amazing. you are the most hard working, driven person i know."

"you have to say that-"

"i mean it.", my cloudy eyes met tyler's brown ones.

"i think you're more than enough, you have such amazing things ahead of you. and that's all because of your dedication. i'm so proud of you.", i practically fell into tyler's arms. he rubbed my back as he spoke over my muffled sobs.

"you're so perfect to me y/n, i admire you.", those word silenced the negative thoughts pounding in my head. tyler's arms made me feel safe. i finally felt okay. i always knew tyler had a way with words thanks to his music. but this was so much better than that. i finally felt like i was enough.

“look at me y/n.”, i hesitated for a moment before i lifted my head up. this was the closest we’ve ever been, our inches only inches away from each other.

“i think you’re so lovely.”, my cheeks flushed a little bit. tyler’s compliment making my heart skip a beat.

“as long as you think so.”

[lxdymoon0357]

I need to comfort Minho…and give him a hug…and and and…and I need to tell him he’s sosososososososo loved and he needs a huggggggh

(Same...mentions of reader being richer than wookyung, also yes inspired by Glacier in March! also drabble, so short... T^T and so shitty...I hate myself, anyways enjoy!!!)

Someone to love me...

Sighing...Minho sadly stood outside your house with you by his side, you huffing in annoyance from the heavy rain and storm which ruined your date night....

"...I'm so sorry darling....How can I make it up to you?" you say apologizing to him, you knew he often didn't get this free or if he did he didn't really like going out a lot, so he did a lot for this as it was a year anniversary as well...

"..No-no...you don't-don't need to make up to me, this is my fault.." he mumbled, his voice cracking in between as you sighed, you cupped his face and softly kissed his cheeks and wiped his glassy eyes threatening to leak tears "..I just...I planned a lot..and it's ruined...god...I'm sorry for crying..." he mumbled as she only cupped his cheeks and nuzzled your face into his neck,

"it's fine....It's not our fault, rain came today! We can still make it special!!" you say, trying to cheer him up which worked slightly as he smiled and nodded and you got your butler to prepare a car for you. You decided to go without a driver today, driving on your own as you didn't wanted to call up someone the next morning or something and drive anywhere ...

you both entered the house only to find Eunhoo ruined the house with Megumi cooing with him...Minho stared in horror while you were only fighting Eunhoo to get Megumi in your arms...you won!

--

"..MEGUMI NO!" Minho almost lost his soul as he picked up the kitty from the stove...Megumi apparently had no self preservation skills and was about to burn his paws on the stove because he just made TEA!

Almost dying as he pet the kitty softly, he walked out to the hall to join you and Eunhoo as you two gossiped and talked about everything. the moment you see Megumi, you get up and immediately coddle the kitten to death, being it's literal mother...

it seemed as though you loved Megumi than your own self, which you probably did cause you felt that the kitten could never do anything even when it peed on Minho in front of your eyes...and Megumi apparently knew you could never be mad at it so it dared to cause as much misfit as it could get away with...

as you started the movies and opened the many snacks and INSANELY expensive drinks you bought for Minho and Eunhoo saying "Oh, it was nothing, my sister was being a bitch so I guess this will give her a lesson, haha!!!" (the drinks are above 1000$....) the two were appalled and you forced them to drink it and finally they did...sighing, you cuddled between the two with Megumi somewhere nearby doing something...as you finished the movie and started another one, and another one and yet another...

Laying your head on Minho's lap while Eunhoo was already passed out from drinking too much and eating too much with Megumi also sleeping a top of him, it's butt on Eunhoo's face...

[qqtxt]

[🐯] 1:11am wish (you’ll stay) [m]

✿ pairing: beomgyu x you / female reader / angst to fluff, smut / 8,120 words / reader calls him ‘gyu’/’gyu-yah’ / mentions and descriptions of unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it babes) and explicit scenes and language ✿ in which you try giving him one last “planned” date before you try to make an exit in his life... only for it to backfire when he knows it from the start. ✿ a/n: um... this... this was supposed to be a short one but my hand, slipped, and it somehow became smut, lol. anyway, enjoy! ✿ 🎧: ghosting by txt (lofi version) / 📍 @kflixnet​ [masterlist 🌸] / there’s rated m content so minors please dni!

additional note: this... gets very filthy in the end, and i haven’t written smut in a while so please be kind :”)

today would be one of the perfect days beomgyu would add to his list of never ending days he’d have with you. i’ve got something planned for us, gyu-yah. just bring yourself. he brought his undivided attention; spending every second thinking about you despite being next to you, holding your hand, kissing your cheek, laughing when you laugh. it couldn’t get anymore perfect than this.

but he’s no fool, either. beomgyu knows you like the back of his hand, notices how you get affected differently when he says we’ll come back here next time or it’ll be my treat when i’m back–because he’s leaving, he won’t be around for months and months on end and it drives you insane... but there’s something more than him just leaving.

this wasn’t a date to remember, it was a date to say goodbye.

beomgyu tries not to break your facade, not when he knows how much thought you’ve put into the whole thing. he sees you almost cracking but he doesn’t call you out on it. he doesn’t know if he doesn’t call you out for your sake or his. he doesn’t know if he can handle it now. t-minus two days before he’s leaving for a tour and he’s unsure if he’s prepared for the heartbreak now... or later. whether he should rip the bandaid out or let it hopelessly fall on its own.

though, he’s able to live in his fantasy through the start of the day. swallowing the bites you give him with an open heart, downing the pain. smiling when you–augh, what a messy boy i have–reaching to brush the smudge of sauce at the corner of his mouth. feeling your hand in his as you swing it back and forth, walking down the sidewalk with a smile on your face; a radiant sun, his personal sun that felt like it was going to set and he’d never see the light again. how... cruel could you be to do that without breaking down?

morning, afternoon, evening, night, midnight. every minute passes by so quickly, yet not fast enough. he wants to savour each second, but he wants to reach to the end to find out how it ends. the anxiety bites his nerves, but the euphoria to pretend numbs the pain. yet... it has to be now, no other than time than now, beomgyu thinks. 

the night ended with having drinks with the boys at the dorm and turning in early for the night before it could end in regrets and mistakes too many to count (the boys said that beomgyu has found someone to match his energy a bit too well, being able to ramp him up twice as much or tone it down when they needed it–a blessing and a curse, as it seems).

beomgyu feels you shifting from your side of the bed, and his eyes peel open to stare at the clock ahead of him: 1:06AM. the numbers glare at him, taunt him, almost provoking him to say something. he gives you sixty seconds as he prepares himself, well-aware of what’s to come... or maybe he doesn’t. 

honestly, nothing could prepare him for what’s about to come. he takes in a deep breath and speaks to the dimly-lit room, well-aware it would reach you wherever you stand in his room: “so this is it?”

you softly gasp as your hand shakes the doorknob in your hands, unable to hide the fact that–”gyu-yah...”

when beomgyu sits up from his spot on the bed, he searches for your eyes and sees that you’re... you’re already crying. silently, trying not to let the sounds out but it already echoes loudly in his head. ringing, stinging, hurting. beomgyu hates that the first thing he wants to do is comfort you, when he should be comforting himself.

he’s going through the pain here, isn’t he? why does he want to protect you more than himself? you watch as his expression changes under the glow of the moonlight; silently staring at one another without anything being said but everything at once.

“this is the final step of the plan, isn’t it?” beomgyu clenches his hands on the bed, refusing to let the tears fall despite them pooling in his eyes. he watches as you try to stammer a response, clearly, you hadn’t think you’d make it this far without cracking. 

“i know,” he says, sniffing a little, “i know that today is the day you were going to leave,” he uses the back of his hand to wipe his nose, “i know, even if you didn’t say anything.”

he finally hears your voice when you croak a soft: “then...?” 

why the fuck did you go along with it?

your heart aches when he allows for a couple of tears to fall, dripping onto the bedsheets as he whispers: “i just wanted to be with you.”

beomgyu watches as his words sink in your bones, making you drop your bag by your side and soon your knees grow weak. you can’t pretend anymore, and your walls crumble as you slide to the floor with your back against the door. he bites down on his tongue, stubbornly staying where he’s at because he feels like if he makes any sudden movements, he’ll scare you away.

he doesn’t want that. doesn’t know what he’ll do if you do that. he wants... he wants you to–the clock beeps, it must be–beomgyu glances to the clock, noticing the numbers 1:11am now glowing in pink; his eyes must be playing tricks on him, but surely, that’s what it is.

he doesn’t know if this is a joke, or if it’s a chance, but he asks anyway.

“what do you wish for?” his voice is shaky, even if he’s trying to put up a strong front. he’s quietly crying now, breathing slowly getting heavier and harder to breathe but he knows he’ll have to pull through. he looks at you, despite the dark enveloping the pair of you in, he can still see everything clearly.

he can see the tears in your eyes, the tears in his eyes. he sees how your lips tremble, your hands shaking as you hug yourself to anchor to the floor. it takes every nerve in his being not to lunge at you; hold you, keep you close, make you stay. instead, he watches. he watches as your emotions surface and... and...

you scoff a laugh as your head leans back against the door; how pathetic. this was your idea. this was your doing, but now it’s all blowing up in your face. at beomgyu’s question, to something being a cute ritual of asking each other what they wish for when the clock strikes 1:11 or 11:11, it’s making your heart break. as you loosely hug your knees, you turn the cheek to spare him a glance, “you can’t be serious.”

he’s quick with his reply, as if he–“answer me,” he says, clearing his throat, swallowing the lump in his throat, “i deserve that much.”

beomgyu feels his legs shaking as he anxiously waits. his heart is beating so fast, he thinks it’s only a matter of time before it stops completely when he hears you–“i wish i knew what i was doing.”

he doesn’t know if he wants to scream at you, or cry with you. his mind only has one thought appears. it slips past his lips before he can stop himself. a broken whisper, a desperate plea.

“i wish you would stay.”

his voice, so soft, but his words, rings loud. he sees what his words do to you. and it’s festering in your heart, spreading like poison that it forces you to try to get up from where you are that... fuck it. he’s quicker than you are, hurrying onto his feet before you can find your footing to stand properly. he sees you flinching when he’s right in front of you, hands holding you up by the waist and your eyes snap shut.

“look at me,” beomgyu murmurs, squeezing your waist. he hates how you don’t respond, tightly closing your eyes as your hands stubbornly remain by your sides. 

“hold me,” he tries again, leaning in closer as he rests his forehead against yours. “please.”

“i...” you rasp, hands forming into balls of fists, “i can’t.”

“why not?” he eggs on, you know what he’s doing, you fucking know, don’t let him–”because you don’t love me anymore?”

beomgyu knows this is cruel, but he has to do it. he has to. he needs to hear you say it. he needs to hear it come from your mouth. that reaffirmation. your eyes snap open, tears still rolling down your cheeks, nose getting stuffy from the crying but the fiery spirit in you ignites at his words.

“don’t you fucking dare say that,” your voice trembles through the syllables, and your emotions overtake you as you feebly get through: “i... i love you so much that i–”beomgyu doesn’t wait for the rest of your words to come out, already pulling you in his embrace as you cry. he doesn’t know where his anger dissolves to, but it’s gone the second he hears you love him.

this was what he knew was coming. the frustrations, the pain, the difficulties of maintaining a relationship through long distance and time apart. not being there physically for one another when things are tough, masking the pain with smiles as if nothing would go wrong. beomgyu hates the thought of you going through the grief alone, as if you couldn’t go to him to try to work things out. it pained him, it made him wonder how it was like trying to plan the entire day today well-aware of what would happen at the end of it.

would you be crying alone when you reach your apartment? would you start to ignore his messages, block him, pretend like you never knew him and turn into a ghost that was once in his life? the more beomgyu thinks about it, the tighter he holds onto you to reassure himself–no, you’re here. you’re here with me now. now and forever, you’ll be with me even if we’re not physically together.

beomgyu feels his heart at ease, relieved of the pain when you hug him back and sink in his arms. one of his arms secure you around the waist to keep you close, the other starts to stroke the back of your head down to your back; over and over again as he draws out all the cries from you. he finds his release as he cries silently with you, resting the side of his head against yours and lets go.

this was what you two needed. 

to break down together, to find a way to seal things together.

maybe it’s a couple of minutes, maybe it’s twenty minutes, it could be an hour. one thing’s for sure is he knows your emotions are stabilising, and he can lean you back to get a good look at you. both of your eyes are puffy and slightly red, but when they meet his, there’s a different feeling to it.

acceptance. calm. clarity. hope... love. there’s love. 

love was always there.

“please don’t go,” beomgyu breaks the silence, his words echoing in your ears.

“you’re the one leaving,” you thought your words would hurt him, but it only makes him smile.

“my heart’s with you, though.”

he smiles wider when you crack a smile and use a hand to nudge him by the shoulder, “gross.”

he takes this opportunity to catch your hand, luring you to the bed with him. he makes you sit on his lap, straddling him as he leans his back against the headrest and stretches his legs out. the familiarity of the position makes your heart pinch; at the thought that this was what you would miss and reminisce on your time alone... but now it’s being replayed in front of you; live, right now.

beomgyu places your hands to rest on his shoulder, then one of his hands rest on your waist while the other cups your cheek to make you look at him.

“do you love me?”

the question took everything in beomgyu’s being to ask... because whatever your answer was, he would accept it. if it was no, he would let you walk out of his life. he loves you that much to want you to find your own happiness. but if it was yes... if it was the answer he had been hoping for, he wants you to know he’ll work for it. for you, with you.

beomgyu watches as you take in a deep breath, a shaky exhale after. your hands squeeze his shoulders. your eyes avoid his, looking at everywhere but him. he knows this moment is the most crucial. it’ll make or break your relationship. he can only wait. because he knows where his heart is, where his intentions lie. he’s made that very clear from the moment you two started dating; that immaterial of how hard things got, he wanted to work through it all with you as long as you were the same.

so if that had wavered. if that changed for you... he was ready, even if he actually wasn’t.

the silence is almost deafening despite the night sleeping away. there’s still light sounds of the city muffled from the windows and sounds from the dorm because the members get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night but relatively, it’s quiet. too quiet. the kind of quiet that beomgyu is certain his heart might take over with the sounds and–your lips parting makes beomgyu gape, anticipating for whatever’s to come–“so much...” your voice is gentle, soft, so fragile it sounds like it’s going to fade away that he has to hear it properly.

he searches for the answer in your eyes when you will the strength to lock gazes. he feels this rich warmth spreading in his chest; addictive wildfire when your voice kisses his ears, “i love you so much, gyu-yah.”

you’ve got him in a trance, swaying at your fingertips as your words sink in his system. he manages to nod as he smiles at you, stroking your cheek as if to say thank you for being honest with me. but then he needs to push on for answers. he needs to know: “then why are you leaving me?”

the answer comes faster than he had imagined.

“because it hurts.”

beomgyu frowns when your eyes flutter shut and you lean into his touch as your lips tremble, he can tell you’re about to cry again but you want to be able to explain yourself. so he encourages you, silently, holding you, keeping you still to stop yourself from crumbling.

“it hurts whenever you leave and i know you won’t be back until months later. i feel like my heart longs for you whenever you’re gone, even when you’re with me, i still miss you because i know you’ll leave again. i keep thinking,” you take a deep breath in and he breathes along with you. you find support by squeezing his shoulders and he strokes your cheek tenderly, patient, giving you all the time you need. the small pause allows you to stop yourself from crying.

“e-every time i’m with you, every time you leave, i keep thinking when would be the next time i’ll see you. there’s a timer that keeps ticking; how many days i have left with you, how many hours until you’re gone again?” your eyes open, only to realise the hotness that stings your eyes have been the tears; tears that beomgyu had been wiping away as they roll down your cheek. his throat feels numb, unable to speak as he presses his lips together. “i wait... i wait for a call, i stay up for the live streams, to see your face, to hear your voice. i get lonely, i get so lonely and i miss you. and it hurts.”

he nods a little, to show you that he’s listening, but it’s to reaffirm himself that yes, yes he’s listening. he carefully caresses your face, and squeezes your waist to give you any sort of comfort for braving up to tell him.

“it hurts but... i know this is what comes to being with you. and i want to stay–god, i want to stay–you’re all i want to be with but it’s hard... i feel so alone.”

at your own confession, you had expected beomgyu to counter you. to tell you that he’s having it worse, that he’s dealing with things, too. the things he’s dealt with to get to where he is today is a list upon a list of struggles he had to pull through. the last thing you’d want to insinuate was that you were having a tougher time but this isn’t a room for competition. you’re well-prepared for what he might say but nothing can prepare you for the way he shifts a little higher so he can look into your eyes.

you blink the tears away until you see him clearly.

he’s... he’s upset... but not for reasons you had expected.

“why didn’t you tell me?” his voice cracks, and you feel a new batch of tears about to fall but you hold them in, pressing your lips together, keeping yourself shut as his voice makes your heart ache. “i–if... if only you told me,” he whispers, “you–why did you go through all of that alone? why did you suffer all by yourself?”

you shake your head as your eyes close, feeling the few stray tears fall and against the pad of his thumb on your cheek, “i-i don’t know.” you feel yourself falling backwards, but beomgyu lures you forward with his hand on your cheek, so you can lean your forehead on his. slowly, your eyes open and he’s still looking at you intently.

“...i didn’t know how to bring it up, i wasn’t sure if it was just me. i didn’t know what to expect when it came to doing long distance and i...” you sniff a little, looking back into his eyes, “i’m sorry, gyu-yah.”

initially, beomgyu thought that’s what he needed to hear, but now, it wasn’t. all he needed to hear was how you felt, the reasons why, not the apology itself. hearing the apology, it makes him shake his head, “that’s not important. what’s important is you tell me whenever you feel these things. that way, i can know what to do or how to help, and most importantly,” your eyes widen in anticipation, breath hitching when his hand rests on your neck, “you’re not going through this alone. we’re going through every step of the way together. but i’m gonna need you to talk to me...” he gently squeezes your waist, “okay?”

you nod, a couple of times until it’s clear as day.

beomgyu smirks, the playfulness already rising in his veins.

“you still gonna leave me?”

you use a hand to hit his shoulder, huffing. that’s when he laughs, head leaning back on the headrest as you pout. when you try to shift from his lap, he tightens his grip to keep you on him, shaking his head, “oh no,” he grins, that shit-eating-grin appears that makes your heart swoon with the way he’s looking at you, “you’re not going anywhere.”

his laugh laces over with your squeal when he lunges forward, making you fall back on the bed as he switches up the position. you sigh when you feel the softness of his mattress welcoming you, then it’s the warmth of his body on top of you as he cages you in, settling between your legs. he lets you lay on one of his arms with his other hand now pushing the hair back from your face, then settling against your cheek. one of your hands remain on his shoulder, while your other wanders to gently go through his hair and his eyes flutter shut with a sigh of bliss. 

then, as your hand slides down to his face, he nuzzles into your touch.

after a couple of beats, his eyes opens and you shift your gaze to align with his. you watch as his eyes travel from your eyes down to your lips, slightly parted. so tempting, so inviting–beomgyu leans in without realising and kisses you. he groans into your mouth when your legs start to wrap around his waist, trying to get him closer.

kissing him felt different; the good kind of different. throughout the whole day it was a reminder that it was the last, but now, now it was with a newfound significance. it was a promise; over and over again that you would commit to him. it was trust, it was love, love, love, it was love. beomgyu smirks when you feel him getting hard as he presses against your stomach, his body sliding down to brush against your core.

you whimper, softly, into his ears, already shaking him to his bones at the thought of the sounds he’ll be able to hear as this progresses.

“to think that you were going to leave and not let me hear this anymore,” he murmurs over your lips, past the lust-filled eyes, sparking with anticipation. you breathe deep and heavy, shaking your head, “wanna be with you.” 

your words etch to his memory, making his heart swell in his chest at your confession.

always wanna be with you.

beomgyu takes his time with you, savouring each sound you make that realistically is soft, barely anyone can hear but him. the members were still around, after all, but beomgyu wanted to hear you regardless. 

it resorts to you two being as careful as you can be, occasionally kissing one another to shut the other up when things got too hot and loaded to bear. clothes come off, one after another, piling and scattering the floor of his bedroom until you’re bare; naked and all in your beauty as beomgyu rakes your figure with his eyes and soon his hands and mouth to get a taste of you all over. he enjoys every touch you leave on his skin, from his face, to his hair, down his back and as you stroke his cock slowly hardening in your grasp, growing full and hot. he lays you back and takes over.

the night transcends to beomgyu sliding into you slowly, then filling you to the brim as the stars burn the back of your eyes. slow, slow, slower, i got you, i got you, you’re doing so good for me. he kisses you, giving you the time you need. he kisses you more, deeper as he stills inside of you. 

then the initial sting numbs; this euphoric pleasure making you feel warm. he pulls away from kissing you when he feels you squeezing his pulsing cock in you; your legs locking him in, your lips parting to tell him to m-move, please. the feeling of your hard nipples brushing against his chest with each stroke of his cock pushing in and out. 

fast, fast, faster–please, please, please, gyu–please, gonna come–beomgyu kisses you to silence you, but whines into your mouth when he feels it. your nails pressing to the bare of his back, keeping him close. the airy whines that blesses his ears, the way your thighs trembles with each thrust back home, muffled noises of skin slapping. sweat, making his locks stick to his forehead that he resorts to shake it aside to press his forehead on yours, forcing you to look at me, wanna see you look at me when you come. wanna see those pretty eyes on me.

the coil tightening, tight; you feel so good, love you, love you so much. your hands flatten on his back, snaking your arms hug him closer, pulling him down until your chests meet. beomgyu picks up the pace when your eyes barely stays open, giving into the pleasure as you start to tremble and he’s trying his best not to falter. he succumbs to the way you swallow him in, squeezing him sinfully, legs locking him in, driving him deeper that he gapes at the feeling.

then it hits. 

he sinks into you and you feel the warmth filling you up; hot, familiar, gonna stay in you, wanna be close to you. beomgyu rests his face in your neck, trying to catch his breath as you do the same. his thrusts slows down after a while and then he stills inside of you. there’s this bloom in his chest as you hold him close. the soft sighs you make as the shocks of pleasure stimulates your body; his body, both intertwined in post-bliss, in shared mutual silence.

you feel light-headed and satiated, playing with beomgyu’s hair as he occasionally kisses your neck. there’s a moment of tranquil just staying like that; heavy breathing, soft sighs, being connected, emotionally and physically, at ease, in each other’s arms.

you involuntarily whine when he pulls out after his initial promise. you’re about to question where he’s going when he lifts himself up from laying down on top of you. as your eyes peel open, you start to tense up when you feel him crawling down on your body. he doesn’t give you time to process what’s happening until you feel him pulling you down so your legs dangle off the end of the bed and he’s kneeling on the floor, body bent forward as he kisses his way towards your center.

you sit up on your elbows, watching as beomgyu disappears between your legs. he shows mercy, starting with kissing your inner thigh and stroking your quivering thighs. then, he makes you beg for it. makes you want the way he’s able to kiss your sweet flesh and juices that heavenly lures him in. he makes sure you’re anticipating each swipe of his tongue, every lap he makes from your slit up to your clit. he moans against you, making you feel the vibrations that initially hurt from the overstimulation; then it’s everything you want.

ask for it, let me hear you ask for it. he kisses your skin, teasing. his fingers, brushing lightly, slipping in and curling; you arch your back and quietly moan, shaking your head as your toes curl. please, gyu, please, please.

he chuckles when he pulls away, crawling back up, hovering over you until he reaches your face. he gives you a soft kiss, and it surprises you because the next thing he says makes your stomach clench at the thought.

“i’ll only let you come if you sit on my face.”

you gape, a hand pushing his bare chest, “w-what?”

“that’s the only way you’re getting it, y/n,” he says lowly, leaning down to peck your lips, then he raises a brow at you for your response, “hm?”

no way, no way, no way–oh my god.

“i... what if i suffocate you?” you can’t believe this is happening, but with the way he looks beneath you, pleading eyes just begging to please you, it’s hard to say no to. he strokes your thighs approvingly, adoring the way he’s able to see the gorgeous curvature of your body from beneath you. “that would be the best way to go.”

you’re about to hit him, or get off him, you don’t know which, but he doesn’t give you much time to ponder when he easily pulls you down until you’re seated on his face. you can’t believe out of all the times he decides to give into one of your suggestions a while ago, it’s now he decides to act upon it. the new angle is foreign, but soon the familiarity of pleasure starts to wash over. hesitant at first, you have a hand on the head rest for support, the other lightly tangled in his hair.

soon, he has you riding his face as you try to muffle your sounds. your body curls forward just a little and beomgyu watches as your chest heaves in deep breaths of air from the pleasure he’s giving you. it makes his cock twitch against his stomach, pre-come soon starts to leak and he’s a whining mess against your folds, lapping you up faster, his tongue digging into the right spots, nose grinding against your clit, eager to chase your high with just his tongue and fingers.

he holds out until you start to tremble again, the familiar build up coming undone. his heart is ramming in his chest at the sight, at the feeling of your thighs quivering by his ears and how you’re restraining yourself to not clench your thighs to his head. the way he groans seeing you come that it adds to your heightened pleasure, making you start shaking from the overstimulation when he doesn’t let up his fingers in you, his lips sucking on your clit before his tongue swirls around it. you catch yourself against the headrest, shaking your head to get him to stop but he–his arms tighten his hold on you, keeping you to his face as he starts to dig his tongue against your clit harder, a shaky plea escaping your lips to get him to s-stop, gyu! please, please, please!

he only lets you go when you start to hit the headrest. you manage to squirm away from him, trying your best not to knee him in the face as you fall beside him with a huff. the sight is endearing to him. he starts cackling against the pillows, arm over his eyes. he hadn’t realised the movements from the bed until he finds himself in warm, wet heat.

his hips jut forward as he sits up, gasping when he feels the tip of his cock hitting the back of your throat and you swallow around him. oh fuck–fuck–feels good. he can’t seem to speak when you pull him out of your mouth and start to stroke him lightly. it makes him open his eyes, half-lidded, half-way meeting his peak and it was evident. you grin up to him as he sits up, looking at you on your knees between his legs, his cock in your hands; a sinful sight that makes him throb. “already?” you chuckle, “did eating me out make you that hard?”

he scoffs and pushes the hair from your face, his hand cupping your cheek as he supports himself with his other hand on the bed, “as if you needed to ask. we’re doing that again by the way, you looked so–fuck!” beomgyu throws his head back in a gasp when you take him in after lightly brushing your thumb over the tip of his cock. use me, use me as you want, however you want. beomgyu feels like he’s on fire, body hot all over and his thighs quiver.

he doesn’t hesitate, thrusting into your mouth and harder, faster, gonna come, fuck–fuck–ah, shit!

you feel the familiar heat that strokes the walls of your mouth. a twitch, a tremble, and soon, the warmth starts to spurt and goes down your throat as he trembles in your grasp, body curled forward until his forehead leans atop of your head with shaky breaths. he’s breathless, trying to find the strength to breathe as you ride out his high with a couple more bobs up and down his cock, milking him completely. 

as your movements slow down, that’s when he guides himself out of your mouth so he can cup your chin. you blink up to him, a small knowing smile on your lips that makes him narrow his eyes at you. how can someone as innocent looking as you commit to some of the most sinful acts and still look like this? he gently nudges you to lean up so he can kiss you; taste you on his lips, let you taste yourself from his lips.

he lets you feel the smile he has against your lips; tongues brush lightly and hands; hands finding wherever they can to hold leverage. beomgyu pulls you up more, higher, breaking the kiss momentarily. then, joining him back on the bed. you lay atop of him with one leg between his own, the other cased by his side as he holds you; kissing you, wanting to prolong this moment as much as he can is making your heart grow fuller and fuller. you soften in his hold, gasping when he pulls away from kissing you to find his way to your neck.

you’re well-aware of his drive and how far he can go but today is different. emotions were still running high, and it’s always the case whenever either of you were emotional; be it makeup sex or i’m feeling extra loving tonight. you feel it when he has a hand by your neck, the other crawling up along the side of your thigh before he smoothens his palm over the curve of your ass and then he grips onto one cheek in his fingers, earning himself a soft moan that makes you feel his cock slowly growing hard again.

your leg between his shifts ever so lightly, feeling the brush of your skin against his cock makes him grunt against your neck. your hands flatten on his chest, pushing him back a little so you can get a good look at him. he cranes up to you, blinking at you sleepily, but you can tell he wants more. he won’t rest until he has more to fill his cup.

he tries to lean in for a kiss but you stop him with your hands on his chest, placing him down with a chuckle, “gyu-yah... are you not tired?”

he nods lightly, “i am,” you’re already trying to move off him but he stills you with his hand now hooking around your waist, keeping you on him, “but i wanna feel you again. wanna be close to you.”

you instinctively lean down to rest your forehead on his, hearing his sigh of relief when you’re near him.

“but if you’re tired, we can wash up and head to bed,” his hand moves to hold the side of your face, and he feels his heart skipping a beat when your eyes gaze into his with a small smile itching at your lips, “i wanna feel you too.”

he grins, sitting up a little, “one more?”

you nod, giving in to him, “one more.”

the rhythm begins and beomgyu kisses you. slowly, tenderly, this one’s more mellow than before, more drawn out, more emotional as he sits you up along with him. you follow his motion, his pace, as he moves you to sit on his lap and your legs fold by his side as you rise up and he pumps himself a couple of times with your hand lapping over his.

your other hand rakes through his hair, shifting closer towards his scalp and he groans when you lightly tug on his strands. the jolts from his head sends the tingles down his spine and you feel him hardening between your fingers, his fingers, and then he gives you a couple of nods to rise your hips up to slowly start sinking down on him.

you hide your face in his neck, whining quietly at the stretch that deliciously fills you up. your hands clasp behind his neck, finding an anchor to hold on to and beomgyu’s got you by the waist, groaning softly when you’re fully seated on him as you welcome him into your heat. he starts peppering the side of your face with kisses, down to your neck where he makes you squirm on him as you adjust to the feeling of having him inside you again.

then, the pace starts to quicken as he instinctively rolls his hips and you feel him moving in you. it’s a domino effect of having you return the gesture, hips grinding down on him and him continuously going back and forth. hitting the spots that makes the colours burn in your eyes, but getting lost in beomgyu’s eyes when he gets you to look at me, look at me when i fuck you like this.

and you comply. shyly, then allowing him to occasionally muffle your whines when it’s starting to f-feels good, gyu–so good. his breathing starts to get heavy when he feels the same as you do, tilting his head forward until it meets yours. his hands grip tighter on your waist, almost digging into the flesh as he rocks you over his cock, harder, deeper, until the sounds you make nearly pitch up an octave with your head falling backwards and away from him.

he springs forward and pushes you back onto the bed, plunging deeper at the force and change of position. you wince and clutch onto him, clenching him tight and he groans, finding his footing with a hand on your waist, the other reaching up to hold the side of your neck as your arms loosely hug his neck and your legs naturally wrap around his waist.

his thrusts grow powerful with each slap of his thighs hitting your skin, his cock plunging out and back in; all the way home that it makes your back arch towards him. he pins you down, forehead meeting yours again, lips brushing over yours as the addictive build up starts to form in your belly; unravelling through each stroke that goes in, every roll of his hips.

he squeezes the side of your neck, and you force your eyes open to meet with his lustful gaze; that washes away to reveal the admiration he has for you, how hopelessly in love he was with you, and it falls from his lips with a soft i love you, i love you, love you, baby, so much. you feel the tears forming in your eyes, and the sight alone is what makes him start to get emotional; quickening his pace with sharp and deep thrusts.

i love you, so so much.

he kisses you, and it’s messy. it’s sloppy but he wants to kiss you, wants to taste you in the midst of havoc happening; the chase for one more high, wanting to please you, pleasure you, feel you come undone with him deep in you one more time. lucky to have you, lucky to be in you. feel so good, gonna come.

you fervently kiss him back, your fingers lightly pulling on a couple of strands of hair you can manage from the pleasure overtaking your body; eyelids growing heavy but you force them to stay open. to lock your eyes on him. watch him as he feels good; as he reaches–come with me, come now, baby–his mouth gawks open at his cock pulsing in you with the following thrusts, with your walls clenching on him erratically as you quiver and come undone for the third time. his hips stutter as he starts to spill inside you, warm ropes of his release filling your insides as he slowly starts to stop, riding out your highs quietly.

the heavy breathing fills the room as he presses his chest down on yours, head over your shoulder as he lies down for a moment. his body jolts a little as he relaxes, and you carefully run your fingers through his hair and start to play with the strands, one of the things he’s told you he loves whenever. as you two bask in the moment of post-bliss, you feel him pulling out and–”fuck, you look so hot like this.”

you find the strength to open your eyes, past your half-lidded eyes to see beomgyu sit on his heels and admire your legs spread out, fucked out, his come leaking out of you. you can tell what he’s about to do when he threatens to crawl down, tongue darting out but you stop him by sitting up with your thighs closed, “this time i will actually crush your skull with my thighs, gyu.”

he laughs and shakes his head, hands on your kneecaps as he bends forward, “ah, i’d die happy.”

you scoff a laugh and roll your eyes, even with the way he’s wiggling his brows at you. just as you try to nudge him by the shoulder, he grabs onto your hand and kisses your knuckles, smiling against your skin after. as the moonlight starts to fade into the night and it grows darker than before with the city lights turning off one by one, you’re about to–”hey, c’mere, we have to wash up first.”

you whine and refuse to move, stubbornly curling up on the bed as you shake your head, “’m too tired, don’t wanna move,” you close your eyes and turn away from him, “it’s all your fault.”

“my fault?” he has a hand on his chest, scoffing at you. then you feel a light smack to your bum, “i had to do something so you can’t leave.”

you use your hands to cover your ears and childishly remain on the bed, to which beomgyu sighs and kisses the side of your head, “okay, okay. wait for me.” you don’t remember if you respond, because you’re a goner the second beomgyu allows you to close your eyes.

he returns to the bed to see that you’re already dozing off as you curl up into a fetal position. he tries not to make any sounds that could wake you up but his heart just feels... full. so full. the kind of happy he hasn’t felt in a while. sure, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions throughout the whole day but it’s... it’s in the quiet moments that beomgyu truly remembers feeling at ease with you. 

safe and collected. at ease and being able to embrace himself.

he carefully wipes you down and cleans you up with a wet cloth, rinsing it a few times and wiping you a few more times after that. when he’s done that, he quietly tries to change the sheets from one side, rolling you over and doing the other; all while you’re still asleep (don’t worry, it astonishes him as much as it does yourself).

he manages to dress you up in one of his hoodies, and slipping on a pair of your panties from his drawer (don’t ask), and he watches as you purr in delight when he puts the blanket over you. then it’s his turn to take a quick rinse in the shower and when he’s done patting himself dry, he slips on a pair of boxers and a white tank before he joins you in bed.

almost naturally, as he dips down on the bed, you start to move towards him that he chuckles softly at the sight of you. he lightly lifts your head up so you can lay on his arm and he curls it to pull you close as you press your face to his chest, snuggling against him with your hands between your bodies. he tugs the blanket up with his free hand, covering you and him in the process. he continues to gaze at you as you sleep peacefully, his hand stroking the side of your head as you slept and soon, his eyes grow heavy with each time his hand meets the top of your head, down to the side, and all over again.

his eyes flutter shut and soon, beomgyu succumbs to sleep, hopeful that in some way, some how, he’ll see you in his dreams, too.

((morning comes, and it’s quiet. somehow, the boys had given up in trying to wake you and beomgyu up, deciding to grab breakfast while some remained at home. the soft and muffled chit chat comes from the living room; probably taehyun and kai, or was that soobin? ah, it doesn’t matter.

beomgyu comes to when the sunlight hits his eyes and he groans, stretching his body a little. he notices you two have untangled from one another in the middle of the night, and he rolls closer so he can look at you as you start to wake up, a soft whine leaving your lips as you search for warmth and he grins when you curl up against him, eyes peeling open.

you tilt your chin and meet his gaze, but you’re still tired so your eyes close after that.

“how do you feel?” he asks, so gentle, so loving with his hand pushing your hair back, then his hand rests against your cheek. you lean into his touch, smiling a little, “tired...”

“you just woke up,” he chuckles, welcoming you in when you scoot closer towards him, until you have your cheek to his chest. you ignore him and resort to putting your arms around him to hug him loosely, relishing in his warmth as your legs tangle under the blanket.

“what do you wanna do today?” he murmurs into your ear as he kisses the side of your head, turning his body to face you properly as he plays with your hair.

“just wanna be with you. doesn’t matter,” you answer softly, and beomgyu nods, “okay.”

even with the havoc that soon transpires from the dorm room takes over, with seemingly taehyun and kai screaming at the television because they’re playing mario kart, to yeonjun yelling at them to keep it down but then joining them with soobin trying to pull the leader card for some peace and quiet, it all doesn’t matter. 

beomgyu gazes down to you in his arms, and he smiles when you peek up and your eyes meet. both your eyes soften at the sight of one another, and he knows, you know. that the days ahead, coming to separation won’t be easy. it’ll be hard, and there will be difficult days... but with the way you’re looking at him like this, hand slowly reaching up to cup his face, stroking the under of his eye tenderly, his eyes flutter shut and he leans into your touch. relishing the way your finger pads his skin; gentle, tender, loving.

you sigh when he leans down to rest his forehead on yours, slipping your hand from his face but this time, he has his hand up to pillow his palm to the side of your face, gently rubbing circles against your temple. your eyes close, the same time beomgyu’s open to see you at ease, peaceful, calm.

he lifts his head up and presses a kiss to your forehead. that grants you to snuggle closer to him and then he feels your lips pressing to his clothed chest. he chuckles and wraps his arms around you, cocooning you in and being as close to you as possible for however long he can.

in beomgyu’s arms, everything seems to be okay. even if in a couple of days he won’t be here anymore, in some way, since yesterday, your relationship with him has changed. for the better, towards growth, and leaning towards learning something new about each other. having more patience, being more understanding, and learning to trust each other as you go through this together.))

//

(((beomgyu’s freshened up for the day and he enters his bedroom to see that you’ve managed to sit up with your feet on the floor, but when you look up to him, there’s this frown on your face that he finds adorable.

“what’s with that look?” he snorts, stepping in and closing the door behind him. he tosses his towel onto the rack as he stands in front of you, more so when you reach for his hands, “i... i can’t walk on my own. help me get to the bathroom.”

his eyes widen at you with his head bobbing backwards, “what?”

“don’t what me, help me.” you whine a little, but even as you try to shake your body as a way to convince him, it makes you wince from the soreness between your legs. he tries not to look proud (even though you know for a fucking chance he is) as he relents with a okay, come here you big baby.

as you emerge from the bedroom with beomgyu holding you up with an arm around your waist, the other keeping your arm around his shoulder as he walks you slowly to the bathroom, the boys seem to quiet down when kai innocently asks: “yo, are you okay? you were fine yesterday, what happened?”

yeonjun is the first to grow wide-eyed, and immediately pushes kai’s head to–”just ignore it, kai-yah. ignore it and never ask why again.” then yeonjun snaps his head to glare at beomgyu who pokes his tongue at him, “you filthy monsters!”)))

[laura1633]

Laura please tell me you understands my pain 😭

I know that the collison today was Max's fault. BUT I am crying over the fact, that everybody ignore Lando's insanely desperate and dangerous driving and divebombing! It's obvious that was the cause ofthe collison from Max's part. I hate that people behave like Lando is a saint and Lando behaves like a victim! Crying like a little child and not takes responsibility AGAIN at all! (Like in Spain)

While Max give the interviewers mature answers. And they still say that crashstappen is back, and he went back to his immature self like when HE WAS LITERALLY A TEENAGER!! I can't put up with these people anymore! 😭

They will never acknowledge that he is a grown up mature man now and won 3 championship because he HAS talent...

And for the last note, I am so sad for their friendship 🥺 after what Lando said he seems like such a fake friend and I hate it…

Thank you for reading my rambling 🫠

-🦦

Anon I am with you about the whole Lando being portrayed as an innocent victim and it is the thing that has annoyed me most about the whole outcome of the race. I should say that I am British so I am faced with British media which probably doesn't help!

I'm going to put the rest under the cut so Lando fans can ignore this. I am also going to go on a massive ramble so I do apologise 😂

I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I think it goes as far back as the end of last year. Lando obviously had a pretty decent car towards the end of 2023, particularly at some tracks. There was a lot of talk about him not battling Max enough and letting Max go by because they were "friends". What struck me was how Lando then seemed to be quite defensive whenever someone mentioned his and Max's friendship. I think in part it was because he had seen the criticisms online about how he didn't defend hard enough and wanted to distance himself from the whole friendship thing. I didn't really like the way he spoke about Max BUT I know that friends have their own way of communicating so its up to them, they are both grown men. To me though it felt like he was almost embarrassed to say he was Max's friend which I thought was strange.

Fast forward to this year and now Lando has the fastest car but doesn't have the experience or, in my opinion, the skill Max has. Max is a three time world champion and you don't win multiple world championships by accident or by being a pushover. I think Lando is getting frustrated and this can then result in desperate moves being made. He would have been much better biding his time today. Maybe this is a part of his race craft he will develop given he is now fighting at the front regularly.

Today Lando was absolutely not an innocent victim against an aggressive Max Verstappen and I hate that that has even become a narrative. It is why I did not care for Lando's comments straight after the race as he really did play up to the "Max is aggressive" idea. To me his comments were immature. I can accept that he was angry and still probably full of adrenaline but it will just fuel all those so called fans who love to hate on Max.

The crashstappen nickname is absolutely ridiculous. Max came into F1 when he was 17, he was learning on the job. I also think that if you did a deep dive into his results and collisions over his whole career the nickname would be completely unwarranted. When you go wheel to wheel you will sometimes have collisions, it happens to literally all the drivers but for some reason Max gets absolutely destroyed for it.

Max has been unfairly portrayed by the media and certain groups of fans his whole career. Honestly there are times I wish he would just move to WEC or something because some of these F1 "fans" that can't deal with racing do not deserve him.

Max this season has been mature and respectful. He congratulated Lando in Miami and when asked about the unfortunate timing of the safety car he never started complaining that he would have won without it. His post race interview today was so mature. Max has so often stuck up for other drivers and I truly wish he would start receiving the same respect back, especially from people who are meant to be his friend. Perhaps once things have cooled down it will be different but if you can't put up with tough races then you are not ready for a championship battle.

In terms of dealing with it as a fan, I will say that it's fine to get angry and upset and then it's good to take a step back and reset because otherwise it can be too stressful. In term of Max, he is healthy and successful and has people who love him so he will be just fine. He will also go down as one of the greatest drivers of all time.

[seaoflove07]

Love Planted a Rose 🌹

~ Dark ~

• Artwork by The Drawables •

Full Art Cover and Story Description, Here.

OCXCanon. 🔪 Azusa & Christine’s Story. 🌹

Fan Fiction Written by Me.

Fandom: Diabolik Lovers.

Masterpost.

- The scene starts in the Bathroom -

• Official by Rejet •

Christine was staring at herself in the mirror while brushing her long blonde hair. She already took a bath and put on makeup, but she hasn't fully got dressed yet. She’s wearing a black lace bra and panty with a short silk pink robe. Today is her first day off, and she getting ready to go to the mall. She was planning on going alone, but Ruki told her, “She will never leave the manor without one of them.”

Azusa happily said he would accompany her. He didn't even give her the option to choose between the brothers.

Christine: (I'm truly am their prisoner…)

- Azusa appears behind her -

Azusa: “Rose-san… what is taking you so long…?”

She flinches at the sight of him in the mirror.

Christine: !!

She turns around.

“Azusa! What are you doing in bathroom? I didn't even hear the door open. Please get out, I'm not ready yet.”

Azusa: “Eh…!?”

He moved closer to her and flinched.

He stared at the bruises on her neck.

Azusa: “Rose-san… who did this to you…? Was it… one of my brothers…?”

He gently touched her bruises with his cold fingertips.

Christine: (I can see the anger on his face… Is he really that upset because someone hurt me?…)

“Last night at the Sakamaki’s mansion…Reiji got upset with me. So… he choked me...”

Azusa: “I see… ... did you like it, Rose-san…? Did you enjoy… someone else giving you pain…?”

Christine: “What!? Of course not!”

Azusa: “I should be the only man… giving you sweet pain… you are my Rose, and only mine…”

Christine: “A-Azusa! What the hell are you talking about!? I-I am not—”

- Azusa suddenly starts chocking her -

Christine: !!!!

“A-A… zu…. sa…!”

She pushes him but Azusa doesn’t budge. He still has his hands around her neck firmly. Out of desperation, she starts hitting him repeatedly on his chest.

Azusa: “…I need to cover… the bruises he left on your skin… with mine…”

He tightens his grip around her neck.

Christine: Gasping “… S-Stop… it…!”

Tears run down her cheeks.

Azusa sees her tears and he couldn’t understand why he felt his heartache.

He licks her tears slowly.

Azusa: “Mmm… your tears… are delicious too…”

He releases his hands from her neck.

*Cough, Cough*

Christine: “Azusa… why did you… do that!?”

She starts sobbing.

Azusa: “…I’m sorry… Rose-san…”

He leans down, wrapping his arms around her, and kisses her neck gently.

“I just want… to be…”

*Smooch*

“The only one… to touch you…”

*Smooch*

“And… to give you pain…”

*Smooch*

“I don’t like... seeing other men’s marks on you...”

He continues kissing her neck.

Christine stands there frozen, her neck hurts so much and she can’t believe the words that are coming out of Azusa’s mouth. Was Yui right when she said,

“I wonder in this case if Azusa-kun chose you instead?”

Christine: (This is insane! He almost could have killed me! I don’t fully understand his reasons to want to give and receive pain. Now he has me locked in his arms and gently kissing my neck. How did things get to this?? I don’t know what to do with him, I don’t want this...)

“Please, Azusa... I forgive you... but please stop kissing my neck and holding me like this. It’s not right...”

Azusa: “Do you know, Christine… Pain teaches me… my place in this world… but… I don't know why… seeing you cry… made my heart ache… and I didn't like it…”

- He continues to kiss her neck -

Christine: “A-Azusa… I know this world can be cruel and sad. But it also can be beautiful and bring happiness… So far I am not happy with how my life is going, but I'm trying my best to continue living in this world, and I know in my heart I have to find that happiness and to be positive that one day I will.”

He stops kissing her neck and locks his gaze on her sad brown eyes.

Azusa: “You are not happy…. Rose-san…?”

Christine: … …

Staring at his lavender eyes. For a second, a little flashback hits Christine’s head.

Angry green eyes were staring back at her.

Telling her how useless she is and that without him she is nothing.

Accusing her that everything is her fault.

Telling her she needs to lose weight.

Saying,

“That dress doesn't look good on you. You need to change.”

Breaking her stuff and telling her she has to wear the clothes that he got her.

If she disobeys? He will cut all her outfits and throw them in the garbage.

Then after, will come a load of insults…

(The most disappointing thing about my relationship with Mark was that even after all this… I still loved him. I was the biggest fool for thinking that we would be all right one day. But instead, He was walking away with someone else and I was losing pieces of my heart…)

“I am not… someone took that happiness away from me…”

Azusa: “Who…?”

Christine: “I-I don't want to talk about it…”

Azusa: “… Then hit me… cause me pain, Rose-san… it will make you feel… happy… Pour all your anger… on me…”

Christine: “Please Azusa, not this again. I’m not gonna hit you. So can you please leave? So I can finish getting dressed.”

Azusa: “Hmm... Rose... If you're not gonna hit me… then give me… a sip of your blood... You don't mind if I suck your blood, do you...?”

- He Bites her Neck -

*Slurp*

The flick of pain.

Christine: “Ah…”

Azusa: “Enjoy this sweet pain… Rose… forget about everything… feel my fangs… Agh…”

He pulls down her robe and sinks his fangs deeper into her upper shoulder.

Christine’s heart is pounding. The way he has her locked in his arms, the fact that she’s only wearing a bra and a thong. His bites become deeper, his body pressed tight to hers. She starts feeling tingles in her belly. His bite hurts a lot, but one thing Azusa is right. Is… that at this moment she can't think of anything else.

Azusa: “Mm... Mmm... your blood... is so warm and sweet... Haah… so delicious… relax Rose… entrust your body to me…”

Christine: (Blood… That’s the only thing vampires want. Blood and only blood. He doesn't care about my feelings. Only my blood. I don't have the strength to push him off so I let him have my blood without a fight…)

*Gulp*

*Slurp, Slurp*

Azusa: “Lots of blood… comes oozing out… It's so good… too good… it's so sweet… and you smell wonderful… sweet delicious rose… my precious flower…”

*Gulp, Gulp*

*TimeSkip*

Christine borrows one of Ruki’s scarves. He offered it to her. Her neck was messed up with bruises and bite marks. Since it’s summertime, none of her outfits covers her neck, and the makeup she tried to apply doesn't have good coverage. So buying a new high-coverage foundation and concealer was on her top list today. After Azusa sucked her blood she was feeling a little dizzy. Ruki made her sit on the couch for a while and gave her medication and told her to drink plenty of water. Once she was feeling better Azusa and her went to the mall.

- At the Mall -

Christine: “This mall is so big and nice. Do you come here often, Azusa?”

Azusa: “No… actually, it's been a long time… since I visited this mall… my brothers and I don't go shopping much… unless we need something…”

Christine: “Oh, I see. Well, I hope you don't get bored. The stores I plan to look at are probably not to your liking. But I don't mind going later to a store that you are interested in.”

He smiles adorably.

Azusa: “I will not be bored… with you… I’m happy to spend time together… with Rose-san… Can I hold your hand… while we walk…?”

Christine: “Huh?”

Azusa: “You don't want to…?”

Christine: (He’s looking at me with sad eyes…)

“It’s just we are not a…”

(A couple, is what she wanted to say but decided it was better not to…)

“Never mind… it's fine you can hold my hand.”

Azusa: “Thank you… Rose-san… let's start walking…”

Azusa takes her hand. His hand is very cold but his touch is gentle, which Christine found it unexpected. She thought he was gonna squeeze her hand tight. Since all he loves is pain. She feels weird holding his hand. After Mark, she hasn't touched any other man. She didn't care for going on dates after the breakup. But here she is walking in one of Japan’s mall while holding hands with another man. And not just any man. A vampire...

*TimeSkip*

Azusa: “Rose-san… you sure love shopping…”

Christine: “Azusa, you don't have to carry all my bags, I can carry some too.”

Azusa: “No… I told you… I got it… I want to be useful to you… now which store… do you want to go to next…?”

Christine: “Fine, and thank you. I'm getting a little hungry and I can definitely go for a cup of coffee. Why don't we take a little break?”

Azusa: “Then let's get a delicious meal… come… let's go find a café…”

Once they got to the café they both ordered a sandwich with two cups of coffee. Now sitting at the table, with their food, Azusa grabs his chili powder from his pocket and pours it into his coffee and sandwich.

Christine: (Shock!…)

“Ew, Azusa. What are you doing??”

Azusa: “Eh…? I like to add… shichimi togarashi to all my food… Fufu…”

Christine: “Shichimi what!? What does that mean?”

Azusa: “Shichimi togarashi… it's a spice blend… of seven-spice ingredients… it’s my favorite food… and I like to add it… on everything…”

Christine: “Okay, I can understand the food, but why on the coffee? I've never met anyone who adds chili powder to their coffee or any drink, to be honest.”

Azusa: “It tastes amazing… Fufu… Say… Rose-san…? Would you like to try my coffee…? With the shichimi togarashi…?”

Christine: “No, thank you. I don't like spicy food.”

She takes a bite of her sandwich.

Christine: “Hmm… so yummy, this sandwich is really good.”

She takes another bite.

Azusa: “You’re so cute… Rose… Say… are sandwiches your favorite food...?”

Christine: “No, pizza is my favorite food.”

Azusa: “I see, Rose… I want… to get… to know you…”

Christine: “R-Really?”

He nods.

Azusa: “I like you… and… I want to know… about your favorite everything…”

Christine: (He’s making me feel so nervous!…)

“How about…”

Her voice begins to sound shaky.

“W-We can… go eat dinner at a pizza restaurant one day. O-Or! I can make homemade pizza too and we can eat it together and talk more…”

(I can feel my cheeks flushed. Why am I feeling like this? I should stay away from him…)

Azusa: “I like both… ideas… Rose… Tomorrow… a pizza night… with just two of us…”

Christine: (His smile right now is very sweet. Staring at him, even with all the scars on his face and dark circles underneath his eyes. I find him very handsome. I am so tempted to caress his cheek right now…)

Her cell phone started to ring.

“It’s my father! I finally have a signal!”

She answers the call.

“Hello! Dad?”

Father: “Christine, darling I finally hear your voice.”

She suddenly feels emotional hearing her Dad’s voice.

Christine: “Dad, I miss you so much! Sorry I wasn't able to call sooner, I didn't have a signal on my phone. I hope Mom and you weren't worried sick about me.”

Father: “I will always be worried about you, Christine. You are my precious daughter. Mr. Karlheinz was so nice to call me and let me know that you arrived safely at his son’s mansion and that you are a great worker. I knew my daughter was very hardworking and the best. You always make me proud Christine.”

Christine: (It’s so weird that she still hasn't met Karlheinz…)

Father: “How is everything? And are you making new friends?”

She stares at Azusa who hasn't taken his eyes off her.

Christine: (She wishes she could tell her dad the truth. But she can’t. She's their prisoner and The Mukami’s will not let her go. Why? She still doesn't know. But she has a feeling that whatever Karlheinz has in store for her, It is not good. For her to be able to escape she needs a good plan which she still doesn't have one. So she lies to her father…)

“I’m doing well Dad. I'm actually with one of the brothers at the mall enjoying a cup of coffee. So don't worry, everything is fine.”

(Her heart aches because she is not doing well and she's been harmed by them. But she can't risk any danger to her family, these are vampires and Ruki knows where she lives back home, she will die of sadness if something bad ever happens to her family. She will sacrifice herself in a heartbeat for them…)

Father: “I’m happy you are doing well Christine. I love you, darling. I'm gonna let you go, for now, I got to pick up your mom at the grocery store. I'll let your mom know that everything is going excellent for you.”

Christine: “I love you too, Dad. Tell mom I love and miss her, and that I hope I can talk to her soon.”

Father: “I will darling. Take care and talk to you soon, goodbye.”

Sadness washed over her when her dad hung up. She tried to hold back the tears, but she failed.

- Azusa wipes her tears and caresses her cheek -

Azusa: “I see… you are close to your family…”

Christine: “Yes, I am. I miss them. This is the first time I'm away from them.”

Azusa caresses her chin.

Azusa: “You have me… Rose… I will keep you company…. So you won't feel… alone…”

Christine: (My heart is racing so fast! Not long ago he was choking me and now he's being the sweetest man. I don't understand him…)

Christine: “Are you close to your parents Azusa?”

Azusa: “I don't know my parents… and they are probably dead by now…”

Christine: “Huh? I know Karlheinz isn't your biological father. But… are you close to him?”

Azusa: “In a way, he kinda is… like our father… But… I'm not close to him… My only family is my brothers… and Justin, Christina and Melissa…”

Christine: “Oh, you have another brother and two sisters?”

Azusa: “They are my close friends… that I consider family… I'll introduce you to them…”

He removed his bandage and showed her his arm.

“This is… Justin… and over here is Melissa… and next to her is Christina… Say “Hi” to Rose-san…”

Christine: !!!!

“Is he serious!? He's showing me the cuts on his arm…)

… .…

Azusa: “Justin says you're really pretty… Fufu…He’s not wrong… Say, Rose-san… Why are you so quiet…? It is rude of you… to not greet my friends… Say “Hi” to them...”

Christine: (He looks very serious. I don't want to anger him so I guess… I have no choice…)

“Hi… It's… nice to meet you…”

(I can not believe I just spoke to his scars!…)

Azusa: “Fufu… They like you… I can feel them tingling in my skin…”

Christine: “Azusa, can you tell me a little about your past?”

Azusa: ... ...

“That is not... important... and my past… shouldn't concern you…”

Christine: “… I'm sorry…”

“Anyway... let’s finish eating and we can head back to the mansion. I don’t think I need anything else.”

*TimeSkip*

When they got back to the mansion, Azusa brought all Christine’s shopping bags to her room. He told her he had so much fun with her and gave her another sweet smile, then he left.

Christine: (I am curious to know about his past. Something horrible and dark must have happened for him to think that self-harm and pain are the way to live. What has this world done to him? For him to think this way. I don't know why, but I want to help him. I want to show him that there are other options to cope with depression…)

Christine: “Ugh, I forgot to give Ruki his scarf back. I should go downstairs to return it.”

She saw Ruki and Azusa in the living room talking. They both gazed at her, as she walked closer to them.

Christine: “I’m sorry if I interrupted. Ruki, I just wanted to give you back your scarf and thank you for lending it to me.”

Ruki: “You’re welcome, Livestock.”

Christine: “I’ll be heading back to my room now, sleep well.”

- Azusa follows her with his eyes -

Azusa: “Ruki... can I keep that scarf…?”

Ruki: “Why on earth would you want my scarf? It’s summer and you have your own scarves.”

Azusa: “Your scarf has Rose-san’s scent... I don’t want you to have her scent near you...”

Ruki: “Good Greef, Azusa! Have you gone mad? I could wash the scarf you know.”

Azusa: “Please Ruki… let me have it… I want to have her scent near me. Is comforting…”

Ruki: “… I have noticed you have caught your interest in that woman.”

… …

“Here, you can have the scarf.”

Azusa: “Thank you… Ruki…”

He sniffs and puts the scarf near his cheek.

Ruki: “As your older brother, I will advise you, don't get too invested in Livestock, we still don't know what that man's plan is with her yet.”

Azusa: … …

*TimeSkip*

- Azusa’s Room -

Sharpening his knives on his bed, he takes the scarf that Ruki gave him out of his pocket, and he smells it. Inhaling every detail of Christine’s scent.

Azusa: “Haah… roses…”

“… Justin, I can’t get enough of her scent… her sweet blood… mix with her flowery skin scent…. it has become addicting to me…”

He cuts his arm and stares at the blood dripping down.

“She is the princess… of my dreams… my precious flower… my red rose… She is only mine… and I will not… share her… with anyone…”

— TO BE CONTINUED —

• Artwork by MonMonArtz •

[angelspathway]

From the start: Miles Morales x black fem! reader

Summary: crush on best friend

Warnings: confessing feelings, feeling heartbroken, injuries, jealously, sadness

Note: I am in my feelings.

Later note: I don't think I am ever gonna finish this. I cannot find the motivation. I'm sorry but, please enjoy.

‘Don't you notice how

I get quiet when there's no one else around?

Me and you and awkward silence

Don't you dare look at me that way

I don't need reminders of how you don't feel the same’

Quietness filled my room. Miles Morales, Harlem's spider man and my best friend, sat in my windowsill, drawing i n his sketchbook. Another picture of that girl he met last year. The atmosphere felt tense, even though neither of us has said a word since he swung into my room, seeking solace from a panic attack. His pencil made scratching noises, heavy and almost sounded like he was ripping the paper. I was still blinking sleep from my eyes because of my disturbed nap. "Miles?"

He looked up at me with saddened dark brown eyes, wiping some freely flowing tears off his cheeks with the sleeve of his puffer jacket. He was breaking my poor lovesick heart with how much this panic attack took affect on him. "You think she forgot about me?" the softness in his sad voice torn me to shreds. I stood up, ignoring the pang in my heart, walking over to him. I sit on the windowsill, scooting closer to him and wrapping my arm around him as he went into another episode of snifflingand crying. I said nothing more as I rub his back. " Let it out, Miles.”

My heart continued to break for him... but it broke for myself. I felt selfish because here was my friend crying about the same girl that he thinks forgot him and I am angry that he still thinks about her while I am here with him all the time.

‘Oh, the burning pain

Listening to you harp on 'bout some new soulmate

"She's so perfect, " blah, blah, blah

Oh, how I wish you'll wake up one day

Run to me, confess your love, at least just let me say’

"Come on, Miles! Not at the arcade too..." I groan in frustration as his mind drifts from eating his nachos to just staring off in the distance, a smile visible on his face. Why couldn't he look at me like that? "Earth to Miles?", I wave my hand in front of his face. I was annoyed about how often he thought about her, especially nowadays.

He snapped out of it, looking at me with that bright look. He gave me the sweetest embarrassed smile, stuffing a nacho in his mouth. "Sorry... Its supposed to be our hangout day-"

"Don’t worry about it. Tell me more about the girl that stole my best friend’s heart." I pretended to be interested about this 'Perfect girl', not wanting him to find out about my seething jealously. My heart was screaming at him to confess to me. To be with me instead of her.

I felt selfish... I should be happy that my bestie has a crush, not anger that I wasn't the girl that he wanted.

But...

‘That when I talk to you oh, Cupid walks right through

And shoots an arrow through my heart

And I sound like a loon, but don't you feel it too?

Confess I loved you from the start’

Nevermind, he owes me nothing for being a friend to him. I may have been there for him every day of my life, but he doesn't owe me anything for loving him so damn much. I should've confessed sooner. Maybe then, I wouldn't have to worry so much about something or someone snatching him away from our friendship.

"Hey. Now you are spacing out?" he laughs, placing his hand on top of mines. My stomach filled with nauseating butterflies as I snapped back to reality. I give him an upside down smile, pulling my hand away from his.

"Let’s go play some video games."

‘What's a girl to do?

Lying on my bed, staring into the bluе

Unrequited, terrifying

Lovе is driving me a bit insane

Have to get this off my chest

I'm telling you today’

With a lot of encouragement from my friends and even Miles parents, I decided I needed to confess to him. My heart was beating out of my chest, scared of how he would react to my confession. I walk towards the water tower, his mom telling me where he was. I stopped in my tracks, my heart breaking in two after seeing blonde hair with pink tips. He seemed so happy talking to her, sharing a plate of food. My shoulders dropped, turning to walk away, feeling guilty for the tears in my eyes. I shouldn't be this upset..

He always talked about her... even during our hangouts. He never looked at me that way, never looked at me past being a friend... and it hurts.. it hurts a lot. Mostly because I've been there for him all this time and he cannot see how much I care for him. I leave the party, tears running down my face. I was gasping and trembling a bit. Why did I ever think he would love me? He loves her. I will never be the girl of his life.

[pbandjesse]

Somehow today was worse then yesterday. I am so beyond upset. I could barely eat today and it was a struggle to even stand up at times. I got exactly nothing done. I was able to take a nap but not until the very end of the day. And I have just felt like garbage for the entirety of the day and cried multiple times.

So it wasn't my best day ever! Honestly it was mainly a blur. I was very exhausted and nauseous yesterday and gagged and almost threw up a few times. But today I was just scared to eat because of the fear of throwing up. And so I just. Barley ate. Which I'm sure less to how blurry and weak I felt.

I did eat some though. James woke me up when they got up. They lost their phone down the side of the bed and needed my phone to find it in the dark. I was able to go back to sleep for a bit. They would come kiss me goodbye before they headed to work. They would tell everyone that I wasn't doing well and I have an appointment on tuesday.

But more and more I don't think they are going to be able to do anything for me. I just feel so scared feeling like this.

When I got up for real it took me a bit to get up and out of bed. I brushed my teeth and washed my face but my face looked so hallow and sad.

James made me a sandwich and cut it up into pieces. I can't stand to eat the crust of the sandwich anymore. Which is insane. But I ate what I could and had a glass of milk, mainly for the protein. And laid on the couch for a long time.

Every time I eat I just end up in horrible pain for 20 minutes and it's really just. So very very disheartening. I am trying to remain positive but it feels so hopeless.

I watched to many TikToks today. Which made my head hurt. But there was absolutely nothing I wanted to watch on YouTube. I can't watch anything sad right now. Nothing where someone is disappointed. Or hurt or anything. And I want no conflict. So it's been hard to find much.

I did eventually find something to watch for a bit. I went upstairs and tried to go through my purses. I only got rid of a few, and moved all the tote bags to the kitchen. But it felt like progress.

I would move from the living room to the bedroom and back a few different times. I found that if I was perfectly flat or tilted with my head lower then my body I would become so incredibly dizzy. So I propped myself up best I could and just tried to rest.

I am trying to encourage myself by saying that thing about how if you don't rest your body will make you rest and that's what this feels like. Like I'm being forced to rest. But it's not even good rest. I'm just crying and hurting and so very tired.

I was able to eat a little of my chipotle leftovers. Which I did not throw up but it was close. I hate that this is the only thing I have to talk about but it's literally all that I can think about right now. And it sucks.

I would eventually fall asleep towards the end of the afternoon. I came down to the living to wait for James to come home. I had two fig newtons and a fruit strip. And fell asleep.

I briefly woke up when James came home. They kissed me on the head and left to go do laundry. And I kept sleeping.

I woke up at 6 and they had left me a nice note that they would be home soon. And when they got back they sat with me and folded the clothes and cut me up some watermelon. Which tasted great and didn't hurt my stomach to much.

We have been hanging out since then. James did some chores. Made themselves dinner. Babied me. It has been really tough. I am scared all the time and feel horrible. I just want to feel okay and be able to do things.

We canceled our plans for tomorrow. We may still go look st paint swatches but I am afraid of leaving the house. I just feel so weak.

I am going to go take a shower or a bath. I don't know which yet. But I hope it will make me feel okay and that I can sleep easier tonight.

I love you all. Be safe. Be well. Until tomorrow.

[differentalpacafestival]

Life Fucking Sucks

Today's breakdown. I'm not sure if it's a meltdown as I still don't understand what a meltdown entails, but I cried. A lot.

It started yesterday when I got up. I'm not studying, and I'm unemployed due to my disabilities, one of which being autism.

So I didn't get up until noon, coinsidentally after my mom went to take a nap. She didn't get up until 4pm (which is a normal lenght nap for her, being almost 60 and disabled), and said her niece was talking about calling. She said it wasn't a guarantee, and she had to eat and properly wake up before doing anything anyway. I asked her if she wanted to go to an all-purpose store, I think it could compare to Target just smaller; Rusta. Then my cousin called, and they didn't hang up until around 7pm, about two hours before closing. Now, we live about half hour away from the closest store, and we like to just stroll and look at everything when in a store like Rusta since they have so many different things. So we decided that we would wait until today.

Que today. About an (two now, I'm just proof-reading) hour ago, actually. Me being my empathetic, autistic self, I've cared for a house fly that got stuck in glue these last two days, and today, she was gone. I don't know if she's dead, but she liked to roam around and hide, and after looking where I left her yesterday, she wasn't there. So this made me a little upset because she had so much personality, and due to the glue, she couldn't fly anymore. Her wings got folded and I couldn't fix them, which is why I cared for her in the first place. Anyhow, when I went to the bathroom, I saw my first pet fly whom I thought to be dead for like two weeks now, so I felt a little better seeing her still alive. You see, she, too, has an injury where her right wing looks to be broken at the joint - it sticks out instead of along her body. This makes her easily recognizable, plus she is also very affectionate (I don't know, nor care if this is even possible, but she was stuck to my hand for an entire day, even when I moved and ate.)

Then my mom asked if I could try to get ready to go by 4pm; half an hour. 3:45 we were ready, so my mom called to my brother (who also isn't studying and currently unemployed) that we were leaving. This POS decided he wanted to tag along. He is the typical stereotype of a gamer; Headset hair, up all night playing online, yelling into the microphone, and rarely gets out of his room. As if this wasn't enough, the two of them went to the store two days ago, so I had absolutely no reason to expect him joining. This wouldn't necessarily be an issue if we didn't have an insanely small car for a 6"3 dude and two overweight people - Hyundai i20 2012. I also need music at least one way (to or from,) to which my brother detests with his whole being as he is overstimulated by music. Now, you might think to yourself "Why don't you just wear a headset or earplugs?" - Because they overstimulate me. The only way for all of us to be comfortable, is if me and my brother isn't in the car at the same time. So when he said he was also coming, I broke. Well, actually, first I panicked, frantically looked for earplugs to no avail, then I broke. I went back out to grab my things from the car and told them I couldn't handle the entire drive without music so I was staying home. My mom followed me back inside and asked if I couldn't just use her earplugs - ew - and I explained to her that I just can't bring myself to. It's so hard to try to explain sensory overload and the need for a plan, even if I can't control everything, to someone who doesn't work the same way. The problem, I told her, is that I was prepared for just the two of us; I wanted it to be just the two of us. We have a very sarcastic relationship, calling each other bitch and whatnot, so when I back out all of a sudden - especially when the whole reason any of us were going in the first place, was because I wanted to - while crying, and being honest, she knows it's serious. So she suggested that we leave tomorrow instead, just the two of us, because she is expecting a package that needs to be picked up. With that, they left, and I sat here crying non stop for an hour before I figured it might help to write it down. Now every time I look at the clock in the living room, I cry knowing I couldv'e been at Rusta, or singing with my mom in the car to Queen.

I want to blame this on my brother since he knows I need music and still decided to join; but I know he also has autism, even though he's not diagnosed (I am, and our primary doctor suggested he might benefit from seeing a specialist too, but bro is too worried people will then treat him the way he has treated other autistics, so he refuses) and therefore also has his sensory needs. I have no idea, still, why he acted to impulsively.

I've stopped crying and calmed down, but I'm still not okay. This completely ruined my day, and I suspect the shit from earlier this year is also catching up and attacked when I was at my weakest.

My aunt died in May from years of treatment and chemo for cancer, was given her terminal date and beat that by another month or so

My dad's cousin's husband (whom I truly look at as my uncle) also got diagnosed recently with cancer and doctors say he'll be lucky to make it to the end of the year. He was in horrible shape for three months before a doctor took him seriously (he also hid his pain extremely well) and then discovered a cancer in his lymph nodes that had severely progressed and could no longer be safely operated on.

My best friend's house was put to foreclosure as both her parents fucking suck at financials, and her dad is literally over 5 million in debt and proceeded to fucking burn the letter sent to his wife warning about this (since she also pays for the house,) causing both of them to get sued for not paying, so my best friend had to loan a million to buy her own house back and is now the sole owner. Her sketchy ass boyfriend also proposed and they're engaged.

My cousin's son was visiting in Spain and got attacked by some scam artists when he refused to bite into their scheme. He has been in and out of the hospital since he got back home in April. Police in Spain, as far as I understood from my mother's rambling, did nothing about the scammers.

My other cousin was wanted for months for multiple crimes including growing weed, car theft, running from police and a possible accomplice to murder, and then fucking decided to move to Spain (thus causing his nephew to get attacked), and posponed selling his house to the tenants living there, talking to at least one other potential buyer who got his contact from his friends; our mutual cousin, and FINALLY deciding to sell to the tenants who had gotten a huge, risky loan just for that. I think that actually started last year, and he, just a month ago, agreed.

On top of all this, my own mental health has been really up and down all year with all this Israel-Gaza shit, and I still grieve from two losses in 2022. I think this was a long time coming, I just needed something to push me over the edge.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalks. Questions are always welcome, and I will see you all in the next episode o7

[blonkk]

feeling healthy. classic friday night crying unexpectedly because it just occurred to me that im almost 30 and ive spent the last 3 days alone with no one to talk to. im just in bed watching the simpsons wishing i had someone with me just to fucking watch the simpsons or stupid youtube comps. i’ve been seething because my roommate left days ago without telling me and he hasn’t cleaned a thing since i moved in so i’ve spent the past 2 days scrubbing the place clean which makes me resentful. he also left his aging dog here and she drives me insane and i didn’t sign up to be a dog owner but here we are. should i let her starve and shit in the house or do i just do the right thing and make sure shes fed. let her out when she screams at the door at all hours of the day night and morning. its been raining but stopped today so i left the house and spent 50$ on nothing and i still dont have a job and i just have to come up with new ways to spend my time with nothing to do no money no one to talk do on this shithole hill

like when you’re young and optimistic and idealistic you never think that sad loser is gonna be you. like no way i’m gonna be a sad friendless lonely freak of nature. no way im gonna be broke and jobless near 30.

and it just creeps up and like i’d do anything to get out of this but i just fail and fail and fail and i can’t find a way out. everything is just closing in on me rn. and if i go home to my parents i wont need to worry as much about money for the time being but what kind of back peddling is that….i spent my entire 20s working up the courage to move out completely and again im failing. i can’t go home anyways because believe it or not my situation is every worse there

and my parents are so scared for me…like they won’t say it but they’re ashamed and disappointed and they pity me which is honestly worse than anything else….i don’t want them to help me out of pity it feels like no one believes in me at all

which makes sense lol i don’t believe in myself either….i don’t excel at anything…..i can’t even get an entry level job in my field where i have experience…i can’t monetize anything else i do because im just not a very skilled person and its not self pity, or maybe it is, but like no one cares about art or whatever it is i like to do.

like i’ve felt like i’ve been fading away for a few years now as friends and family moved onto bigger and better and it’s just getting worse as time goes on…i don’t know what i want i’ve never known and it doesn’t even matter because i’ve never gotten anything i’ve wanted anyways. i just want to not be lonely. it’s so simple

i just want to disconnect from everyone and everything because i’m so beaten down by rejection and failure and isolation and despite good things these bad things compound and im so exhausted i don’t even care about what happens to me anymore

it’s so weird being this person you know people pity…that the worst part

i’m tying….i go outside…i exercise…i engage with my hobbies….i haven’t shut out my friends….i keep applying for work even though i feel this feeling of dread and know it wont go anywhere …i haven’t given up yet but im not really under any illusions that things will “get better” anymore

anyways i’m sorry for the boo hoo wah woe is me wahhhh moment im just so sick and tired of this relentless shit

[goldenpinof]

Not that this is like, a hot new take or anything, but I can imagine that they both might be going through a bit of a crisis. Like their careers have finally died down but like, what do they do. They haven't done much else but be YouTube personalities (which is more than just YouTube, obv) for like, nearly 15 years. They are probably afraid to venture into new territory, because at this point that will likely mean risking either their brand or their bank accounts (like how Dan had to risk money to do the tour / offer to put up his own money for Dinok). Not that that's a good excuse, but I can understand being afraid and Phil just trying to hang on to his usual content for the both of them (as he also figures out work/life balance). Dan only did DD for the tour and it definitely felt kinda forced. Just doing their old stuff but with their older/out-of-closet selves isn't going to be successful in a way it's safe, for now.

As someone with a lot of the same kind of mental health struggles Dan has, I imagine he might be beyond burnt out and doesn't really want the attention anymore because of the work it requires. And even though it's like, okay it's been months since the tour okay what's next... idk what we'll really get out of him for a while (maybe a few years even?) besides random contract work like the channel 4 thing. Like, projection time, but I just got through grad school with extreme ADHD/executive dysfunction/procrastination etc, and was so burnt out by the end idk how I did it. And I'm like, oh well it's been about 6 months I should probably have a job in my field by now (which I'm probably insane for thinking that anyways because the job market is in so wild). But like, I've been kinda burnt out since 2016 (when I was 16 and a junior in high school, at the end of my og dnp phase) and all I can muster the mental energy to do now is the same part-time / retail work I've been doing the past few years. Which like, I'm barely getting by and I do ultimately feel disappointed that I'm not trying harder to put my fancy new degree to work because I'm barely applying for anything. But I just can't get myself together enough to do that right now. I imagine Dan might be going through something similar, like, he could be doing something creative but he probably is just tired and wants to just live life without any expectations and go on vacations and rely on Phil to be the content creator. He's probably aware that it's not ideal. But he also seems done with compromising any creative vision either because he doesn't want to do sponsorships or anything that isn't a deeply personal piece of art. And he probably doesn't have many deep ideas now that WAD is done and Dinok is stalled and there isn't much he seems to want to do commentary on (because if he just sucked it up he would actually be a pretty good commentary YouTuber lol).

I think they also have a lot more stuff to work through mental health wise too before they are ever really able to not be cryptic about their relationship, since when ex-phannies or random people who remember them see their tiktoks or whatever it's what they all ask about. Like to some degree I don't know if they ever wanted to be out and famous but it got to the point where they couldn't keep denying it either. I'm so glad they came out because it's clearly so much healthier, but beyond the trauma of being closeted that they had to overcome they probably now have trauma from years and years of people being weird towards them about their relationship and it's like... now they have get through that in order to take the next step. do they really want to go through all that just to help open themselves up to a new era of content? Idk.

(this turned out to be wayyy longer than I anticipated woops. can't even remember if some of this was in response to what was on your blog or some of the other similar conversations I've seen about this today but yeah).

i'm almost crying. i hate us so much. this is exactly why the phandom needs meet ups irl or "bubbles" where we could have conversations. because trying to answer THAT without forgetting something is hard, and also i can't imagine how hard it is to write these mini-essays and get bullshit in response.

i appreciate it a lot. and i basically agree with your message. i see how it can be true. and i know that in case of burnout, Dan can let himself step back. the problem i have with him disappearing and coming back after 2018 is that he thinks that the audience will wait for him and accept everything he puts out with the same passion, participation, and amount of money as when he and Phil were making content without long pauses. but book sales, merch sales, tour ticket sales, views and god knows what else that we can't see show that we aren't willing to wait. and it started in 2019 i guess, so you would think that by 2022 Dan would understand what went wrong and just book smaller venues (or make a smaller stage for it to not be a problem). i'm using wad just as an example. you said Dan could not want attention anymore. but he repeatedly says that he loves attention. and it's not only words, you can see it irl. ofc after tours there is a period of time to rest. but before that, there was a clusterfuck of something that was barely content while the merch releases were consistent. either because it was pre-made or because Dan was still living in a rose-colored world thinking that we would buy stuff without content. i'm not sure what i'm arguing here anymore riuehdfsidxkl apologies, i guess it's related to Dan wanting to fuck off. and he CAN. i don't care, 2019 taught me a lesson. (doesn't mean i can't bitch about it <3)

anyway. i understand your struggles with work and degree. basically, i was in the same position after graduating, and now it's even more difficult but i get it. choosing to work part-time, in retail and similar "easy" jobs because you can't deal with the weight of expectations that come with a degree, that's... yeah. an adult reality that no one told us about. i wish you the best, and i hope everything works out well. whatever you decide to do, remember you don't have to use your degree if you don't want to or just don't feel like you can at this moment. you know, getting a fancy "serious" job is such a commitment, bruhh. and you can always walk out of retail :)

Dan would be a brilliant commentary youtuber, you're right! he just knows how to talk and make people listen.

their brand is already fucked, nothing to save here. i mean, Dan and Phil brand doesn't exist. Dan's youtube brand is all over the place. AmazingPhil is the only consistent thing. and yes, it feels like Phil is terrified of shifting in any direction. we're stuck with 2016 content, it's like a real-life time machine on youtube. and if it works for him, fine. i'm just sad that there is no "trying new things" anymore and that he can't even get old successful things back.

i'm not commenting on their relationship because it would be too long. fuck tiktok though. i think dnp jumped to this "new popular" platform with no actual regular content to present as a distraction and that bit them in the ass.

[invisiblegarters]

Only Friends Ranking - Ep 3

Just accept that this is going to be a weekly thing, self. Because these mfers keep making me switch it up. I can't even pretend to be annoyed, tbh.

Characters (Most to Least Fave atm)

Boston - not this motherfucker out here doing the most. And not me genuinely not knowing where the truth ends and the lie begins. If it does. Because honestly? Resetting his own virginity sounds exactly like something Mew would do, especially if Ray was too drunk to remember that it ever happened. As far as Mew knows it was just the two of them - it's not like he suspected Boston was being a creep and recording them - and however he felt or feels about Ray it clearly suits him to pretend nothing ever happened. I would fully believe they did have sex, tbh. And I would fully believe it of Boston to hold onto the evidence and play along as if he didn't know for his own ends, until he has a good time to pull it out (like he literally said Mew is a virgin who can't drive to Top in ep 1). I can't even be mad at him for it. I'm too busy cackling with unholy glee. Whatever games everyone is playing, Boston is the one winning at the moment.

Nick - Except this dude right here is now going to be the one in a position to fuck shit up. This dude is set up to go full on insane and a part of me can't wait. Personally, I hope he uses it to blackmail Boston into exclusivity. Why? My own amusement, mostly. I hope he does that and Boston can't do anything but comply (because he does seem absolutely terrified of Mew actually finding out - which is how we all should know that what he's doing probably has very little to do with Mew and much more to do with Boston and Boston's hangups about himself). And then when he finally gets Boston out of his system he should send the file to Mew. As a final goodbye. Yep, he's shady, we knew he was shady, this comes as no surprise to me. Might as well use what he has to get something of what he wants until he can find something or someone new to fixate on.

Sand - I never thought I'd demote him but I'm kind of bored. Whatever I wanted from him, I'm not getting it. I swear to god if he doesn't pick up a baseball bat at some point...but yes, he's just not giving me what I want and that's fine, not every character can be for me. I just feel currently, in ep three, like they gave him the most bland, almost predictable edit: he's gonna fall for Ray's shit despite himself, he probably had an ex that Top fucked and he hates him good for it, he probably had a parent (my guess is dad) who drove drunk or was killed by a drunk driver and now he has trauma surrounding it, he's going to put up with Ray and be jealous of Mew and probably cry from ep 5 on but hey, the good part is that this edit more than likely means that he has the best chance of getting out of this heartbroken but not in prison or dead. Just don't get in a car with Ray again.

There are two things that that kept him in the third spot today and not further down for the severe crime of disappointing me: the first was flipping off Top. That was hilarious. Even though I fully expect the problems between them to be about an ex and not that they are exes (I swear to god my poor bingo card is just gonna have one thing crossed out by the time this show ends; this hurts me why do you have to kill all my TopSand exes dreams, show? Why do you hate fun?), that was a great interaction and I want more. The second is that there are still times when he's looking at Ray that I don't see fondness, reluctant or otherwise. I see a man assessing how likely it is that the animal in front of him is going to bite. But more and more I am beginning to think I'm delusional because the guarded, emotionally unavailable man I sometimes think I see in Sand is not the one I'm getting in scenes like one in the car after the party (actually he was so smiley and easy in that scene I at first thought he was drunk. Have some pride, dude. I know you're twenty two and dumb but yeesh).

So yes. Three because he made me laugh and because I've still got the clown shoes on, if not the facepaint and orange wig.

Mew - I still think he's being manipulative, but not at Top this ep. I don't think it was coincidence that every time Ray's attention strayed from him this ep, he was right there to give him some encouragement. Ray might have been drunk when he confessed to Mew two years ago (and I'm betting he was, it's his whole thing), but you better believe Mew remembers, and I get the impression that for whatever reason - genuine feeling, wanting to be special, boredom, etc - Mew very very much wants to make sure that Ray never really looks away from him. Part of me wonders if he is kinda into him but he also knows what a bad decision he is, so he's waiting for Ray to clean himself up or for someone else to do the work to help Ray clean himself up (hi, Sand!) before he swoops in to claim the well-adjusted person that's left. If so, kudos dude. I mean that. Because the one thing that tends to be true about the fixer uppers is that they rarely stay with the person who puts in the work.

Even with that though, Mew fell flat for me this ep. And frankly I will be a bit annoyed if it turns out that he isn't actually a virgin, not because I think his virginity is Important but because I liked the idea of a virgin being as sexually confident as he is.

But also if he slept with Ray his whole speech in ep one to Top about how he'd get if he slept with him is taking on a whole new light. Just putting that out there.

That said, I do not think that the call to Ray was part of that manipulation, unless it's manipulative to know which person will come help you no matter what. I'd have called Ray too. He's the only one of Mew's friends who will drop any and everything for him, and a tipsy dude needs to sleep. In all fairness he tried Top first (foreshadowing for endgame, maybe?)

Top - He will get a pass from me on the anger if and only if it turned out that Mew and Ray actually fucked and I will tell you why. Because I would be furious too, but not about the virginity thing. Or Ray being the one he slept with. I would be furious because Mew has been harping on honesty this entire time while lying to him about this thing, this thing that he's actually using as both shield and weapon in their little battle of wills. Sure, Top wants to conquer the virgin or whatever and that's weird but I'm not gonna fixate on it because I already know how people get about virgins, especially when they start to get into their twenties (it's always either being almost afraid like virginity is catching or fixating on being the one to take it like it's a raffle prize), but for me personally the lying while demanding honesty is the thing. And Mew does wield his virgin status like a weapon.

But here's the thing. If he isn't. If Boston isn't lying his ass off or manipulating a situation to seem like something it isn't. If he in fact did sleep with Ray two years ago and then just decided to pretend otherwise because as far as he knew no one was the wiser. Now Top knows. He knows that Mew is a liar and that he's not above telling the kind of lies that can break things.

He's been mostly playing by Mew's rules. But if all of that is true...he won't be anymore. And that's where Mew's gonna get way out of his depth. Because as manipulative as Mew can be, I definitely think Top is better when it comes to this kind of game.

The reason he is so low is because he knows better than to just trust Boston's word. He should have asked, or done something else, anything else but just trust that Boston wasn't being a manipulative turd. He knows Boston wants him, he knows that he's got a ruthless streak. And he mostly went to him in the end because he was mad Mew put him off again. It's also because if Boston didn't show him a full on sex tape, then he's not only stupid but he's entitled. A kiss two years ago is nothing. A love confession two years ago is nothing. Hell, sex two years ago is nothing, if it weren't for the lying.

but at least he's not as low as

Ray - I keep seeing that Ray doesn't know what he's doing, following Sand around and begging him for time and attention constantly. Yes he fucking does. He just doesn't care. He's exactly like Boston, only I will give him that he isn't trying to pretend that he's after more than he is to keep Sand around. Sand's big, beautiful, dumb head is doing most of the work there.

Sand is convenient and fun now. Doesn't ask him for anything and lets him basically get away with being a total dick with a smile and a shake of the head. Of course Ray likes him and wants to be around him. But wait until Sand stops being convenient. As all people eventually do.

But no, I don't blame him for picking up Mew's call mid makeout or for leaving Sand to go to him. I wouldn't even if it wasn't that Mew was tipsy and didn't have his key. The dude has said over and over again that he just wants sex. He's given no indication he's going to give anything else - oh, he'll happily demand and take more from Sand for sure, because he's selfish and he doesn't think past his own immediate pleasure when it comes to him - but he's not offering himself. That was never on the table,

He's low because he annoys me. And because I do actually think that he sees that Sand likes him more than he's willing to reciprocate, but he just flat out doesn't care enough about Sand to care if he hurts himself over it. Ray wants what he wants, and if Sand ever even hints that what Ray wants isn't enough for him Ray will throw their FWB status in his face so hard it'll rattle his teeth. We've already seen him do it more than once here, and Sand wasn't even asking for more, just trying to warn Ray how he was coming off!

He'll leave Sand for Mew again, too. Mark my words. It'll happen over and over until Sand (hopefully) finally gets it through his gorgeous skull that he's fighting a battle he can only lose and puts and end to it (and then Ray will probably have a rich kid tantrum about it because his toys aren't allowed to decide he no longer gets to play with them). And then when you throw his alcohol issues into the mix...

I have a feeling Ray saw his only time above the low end of this list last week. It was a good run. I am still delighted that I aggressively dislike this character though. Between this and Kang from Dangerous Romance this is apparently my era to dislike characters played by some of my favorite actors and I am living.

I am not even putting my girl Chueam on the list because she had like four lines this week. But hey, now we know Title is playing her bro! I was wondering when he would show up. And I wonder if he still has some connection to Sand, since he did in that one chart Jojo posted forever and a year ago (I am also wondering if Yo is related to them as well - big sis?)

Relationships

The only relationships I am interested in this week are the ones we don't know much about. Top and Sand, Nick and Sand, Sand and Boston. Kinda sorta Ray and Mew in that I really want to know if they did the do or not (that they will eventually smash is taken as read by me, but I am curious if it happened before too), and whether Mew's apparent disinterest is real or he's just waiting for Ray to get his shit together to be the kind of boyfriend Mew wants.

But if I had to pick an "established" couple (insofar as any of these guys are established, lol), I think I'm most interested in Boston and Nick right now. Least interested in Ray and Sand, but that's par for the course.

Top and Mew I expect to fight Nick and Boston for the number one spot next Sat.

In Conclusion

We're getting some real mess and I for one couldn't be happier. Full speed ahead on the messy train, Nick come on out and go hogwild. Give our boy Boston a run for his money.

I expect we won't see fallout from the car event in the messy olympics for an episode or two. Mew and Top gotta work through the Ray issue (or pretend to), and they both have to settle back into believing that they have the other one right where they want them (or, maybe, actually start to like each other). Nick has to decide what he's gonna do and how much havoc he wants to wreak (my guess is he'll let Boston or Sand talk him into sitting on it for a while, if Boston finds out. But that won't laaaaast). Ray has to maneuver Sand around his own wariness (shouldn't take long) and into the pale imitation of what he really wants with someone else.

They've all gotta get comfortable. But not too comfortable. What would be the fun in that?