#I want to see this man’s theory journal so bad

[tooturtly]

Living for the moment Laudna says she might be a phylactory, and you can fully see Cerrit leap out of Travis with a perfect realization and multiple string board theories being created

[crowgore-throwaway]

Help I'm now hyperfixating on Mouthwashing

Here's what I wrote about it in my journal :P

[Spoilers for the entire story of Mouthwashing]

I think I could be developing a hyperfixation for Mouthwashing. I adore the themes, how it isn't cosmic or alien-based horror, despite taking place in space, but a story of human faults and evils. Jimmy's evil, acting out of greed and narcissism, feeling guilt but not taking accountability. The evil of corporations and capitalism, making 5 working-class people spend over a year traveling through space, just to deliver some mouthwash and subsequently laying them off, leaving the likes of Anya and (I say this reluctantly) Jimmy with no means to support themselves. All that time going stir-crazy, not even for anything important, just so some consumers can have their mouthwash. And Curly's evil, enabling Jimmy by being complicit, not taking Anya's issues seriously because Jimmy's *such* a good guy and Curly doesn't want to upset him. And that unconditional trust leads to him being completely unable to move or speak because he essentially allowed Jimmy to do whatever he wanted and have his little tantrum, putting the crew at risk to just to avoid a problem *he* caused.

Ugh, amazing game. I think it's more sad than scary. All those people dead- Daisuke, a kid in his late teens with so much life and opportunity ahead of him, dead because Jimmy took advantage of his positivity and need to do right by everyone.

Anya, violated and belittled, forced to follow the orders of the man who assaulted and impregnated her. She did whatever she could to protect herself while Curly, the leader she was meant to trust, did nothing. Until she could endure it anymore and took her own life. (I also saw a theory that she was attempting an abortion but overdosed) Jimmy doesn't even acknowledge her death, even with how terribly he hurt her. He just doesn't care about her, he doesn't see her as a person, but a tool.

Swansea, a father and husband. A man with faults, sure, but a man who can take responsibility for them. He owns his flaws and misdeeds and grows from them. Though he's broken and struggles with addiction, he's selfless. He's hopeful for characters like Daisuke and Anya, is a gruff mentor and trustworthy ally who heard Anya out. Jimmy couldn't stand to look Swansea in the face because he was a lot like Jimmy, except he actually took responsibility for the bad things he's done. So he killed him.

And finally, Curly, his friend, the man who believed he could be better, who trusted him, gave him chance after chance, until he was destroyed. Curly was too trusting, and Jimmy took full advantage. In the end, though, Jimmy couldn't stop piling his shit on Curly's shoulders, ultimately killing himself and cryogenically freezing Curly, leaving him the sole survivor in the event that the Tulpar is recovered. Which would mean, in the end, Curly would be the one still mopping up Jimmy's mess.

Seriously, play this shit its wonderful, and the art style is neat. Also, Daisuke is my favorite, I may have written about him the least, but he's such a ray of sunshine.

[lucifugousart]

"DIO's Heaven" A jjba world building theory no one asked for that has been TORTURING me for years.

❗❗ SPOILERS FOR PARTS 1-6❗❗

OK LET'S GO "The Heaven pertaining the soul, WHERE it'll go." Tl;dr: Heaven is a place. Here's how:

We know that in the Jojo universe Hell and Heaven are equally talked about as a religious belief. In part 1 young Dio was sure his Father was going to end up in Hell for the atrocities he committed his whole life.

And again, in part 6 Dio specifies that the Heaven he talks about is where the human spirit will go after death. With the introduction of stands, the visual personification of souls, we clearly see this happen multiple times, especially the ascension to Heaven, where they'll finally find peace.

In part 5 we'll also see how, ironically, dying is the only way to escape the chains of Fate. The same Fate that has been object of both oppression AND obsession for Dio since his young age. He believed it was in his Destiny to accomplish his early goals, being Jojo also part of this bigger plan. Of course he was wrong.

Failing to realize how Jojo was the closest person to him (and how attached he was), this dumb man ends up killing him and then regretting the act. I don't wanna go too much in detail about it because we all have read the manga and perfectly know what happens, so, Dio just lost the most important person in his life and had 100 years to overthink about it at the bottom of the sea. Perhaps, taking jojo's body wasn't what Destiny meant for them as "being two that make one" and this dumb dumb can't go back in time. ...or can he? Let's proceed in order

All Dio wants is happiness (relatable, i know) that can only be found in Heaven. Why? We'll see this later, i wanna focus first on how to get there. Because as we said, Heaven is an actual place. But reaching it isn't very easy, especially if you're not dead. Also there's another MAIN issue: Dio isn't human. By rejecting his humanity through the stone mask he basically lost any little chance to ascend to Heaven, because believe it or not: vampires may have a soul, but they're damned. After death there's absolute nothing, no Hell either. Just this:

But Dio knew this well. His death was a temporary but necessary phase, he'll write about it in his journal (he simply wasn't expecting it to happen like THAT, sigh) and his plan is safe also thanks to an unexpected gift, a little trinket, that carries his consciousness and dna.

Let's recap Dio's instructions to get to Heaven:

-A trustworthy friend. “He must be someone who is not interested in political power, fame, wealth, or sexual desire, and who chooses the will of God before the law of humans.” I will talk about God a lot as ideal, but even if we have a tangible proof of saints existing in JJBA I still don’t wanna claim God’s existence as certain. We have Dio doubting it himself (“If God exists”) and sure there is a force ruling the events, but I have a quite different view on what this force actually is. Let’s continue;

-His stand, The World, and “courage”. “I must have the courage to destroy my Stand momentarily. As it disintegrates, my Stand will absorb the souls of the 36 sinners and will give birth to something utterly new.” -The souls of 36 humans who have sinned, “because those who havesinned harbor a strong power within.” It is said that we, humankind as a whole, are “sinners who need God’s grace” and that the true distinction between a bad person, worthy of going to Hell, and a good person, worthy of Heaven while being forgiven for their sins, resides in the ability to feel “regret” for their own actions. I believe the sinners being from the Green Dolphin street Prison’s lowest circle was providential: they’re all criminals who voluntarily rejected God, their soul already belongs to Hell. So why? There’s a deep symbolism in this.

The sinners are a reference to Dio’s past identity, the man who rejected humanity in favor of world domination (Actually not just that, but now it’s not the time for an in-depth analysis of Dio’s psyche). Such a person would never reach Heaven, right? Well, the key is in “regret”.

Exactly because Dio regretted his actions attaining Heaven it’s not impossible, just very difficult. We said he was gonna use the souls of sinners, but sinners go in the opposite direction, to Hell. So how is it possible? The trick is in the number: 36 has a double meaning. If we look at it mathematically, the sum of the integers from 1 to 36 is 666, the number of the Beast (and Dio was referred to as the Evil in opposition to the Good, with a name so contrasting to make everything even more interesting). On the other hand, 36 has also very positive meanings: the actual number of texts in Holy Scriptures is 36, it’s said that in every generation there are exactly 36 perfectly righteous people alive (we could easily also call them saints) and the world only continues to exist in their merit as they contain a spark of the Divine Light within them, that same light that first shone for 36 hours after its creation and before being replaced by the Sun… But most importantly, 36 has a meaning of rebirth. It’s two times 18, which carries the meaning of “life” (from the Hebrew letters that spell “chai”, meaning "living") so 36 translates into “two lives”. Thinking about it, it’s exactly what happens through the Green baby: Dio reincarnating as someone new, a new pure lifeform free from his sins, no more damned.

-The cryptic 14 phrases, engraved into The World, so that he couldn’t forget them. I believe these phrases carry Dio’s past but also his Future. Something that after his rebirth would let him not forget where he came from, but also remember where he’s going. Which is why they’re so important and spark a reaction in the Green Baby:

“Whatever is born will "awaken". It will show interest in the 14 words that my trusted friend will utter... My friend will trust me and I will become his "friend".” We’ll witness the first Gravity-induced fusion in the entire series, something that will become more familiar later in Jojolion.

-”Lastly, I need an appropriate location. North latitude, 28 degrees, 24 minutes, West longitude 80 degrees, 36 minutes. Go there and wait for the New Moon. That's when Heaven will come.” AND THIS, RIGHT HERE, IS WHERE WE START. The foundation of how Heaven, Gravity and Fate, Souls and Stands work in the Jojoverse. And also where things start being complicated. The best way to explain everything is starting from Pucci and his role in Dio's plan, then moving back to the first manifestation of Stands. As i said before, in PB the existence of God is in doubt because we don’t have any tangible proof, it's simply an idea sustained by faith. What if i tell you that God, as an actual figure, is actually a product of human actions and everything is governed by Gravity/Fate instead? We know that Dio and Pucci encounter was a product of Gravity, and so was their fusion: there's a reason why he tripped on him, of all people.

It's exact after this moment, when all left to do is "waiting for Heaven to come" that we get the first actual manifestation of the Divine: the recurrence of number 3.

Biblically, the number 3 represents Divine wholeness, completeness and perfection. If there ever was a desire to highlight an idea, thought, event or noteworthy figure for their prominence, the number 3 was used to put a Divine stamp of completion or fullfilment on the subject.

Now i'm not saying that Dio is God or became one (THAT would be interesting and i already valued the possibility some years ago), but seems like in the Jojoverse there's no room for coincidences and everything happens as planned by Destiny, so these 3 people being the sons of Dio and drawn to Pucci are exactly where they were meant to be. If God doesn't exist, this is still the proof of how Dio is getting closer to the ruling force of the Universe: Gravity. And through it, finally find happiness. So, we're waiting for Heaven and we have a very specific place where to go for make it happen. Cape Canaveral: the most optimal place to launch a rocket. But what does this have to do with Heaven? OH, MORE THAN YOU IMAGINE. Because it is a place. But i never said it was on Earth.

To understand our destination better, i wanna make a step back. Ecclesiastes 12:7 says “and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.” We said we don’t have real evidence of God, but spirits DO go somewhere. Foo will say it clearly: the spirit/soul can’t stay on Earth for long, with the only exception of a sudden or tragic death, tying them to a specific place. In most cases, they have unfinished business as the deceased person does not accept the way in which they died (like Riemi or Kira and his father). But once this soul is freed, and if they're worthy, they all go in the same direction: up in the sky, welcomed by a very bright light.

Heaven is often described as the "highest place" and in the Scriptures, in both Hebrew (shamayim) and Greek (ouranos), it can be translated as "sky".

The first line of the Bible also states that Heaven is created along with the creation of the Earth (Genesis 1). SO. We're looking for a VERY bright something in the sky, created post Big Bang and as old as the entire Universe, which is also deeply subject to Gravity. I already have a very clear idea in mind, but let's also drag in the mix what Pucci knows: the World, a stand involved with the manipulation of TIME, was NECESSARY for reaching of the conditions to attain Heaven. Who's that pokemon? It's a Quasar!

An astronomical object of VERY high luminosity found in the centres of some galaxies and powered by gas spiraling at high velocity into an extremely large black hole. SO IS HEAVEN A QUASAR?!? Ahah no, but there, at its core, that's where our bus ticket is.

Quasars are some of the brightest objects known, able to outshine all the other stars and can be trillions of times brighter than the Sun. They were much more common when the universe was young, must have been able to form after the universe began to expand. But any simple one won't do, no. To find Heaven we must identify the first, oldest quasar in the Universe, which hosts a very peculiar and unique, primordial, supermassive black hole: the gate for true, unfettered happiness. I'll try to make this as simple as possible leaving out every superflous notion or math about general theory of relativity or we'll NEVER be able to get to the point. At the start i hinted to the possibility of going back in time. Yes and no, it's a bit more complicated than just press rewind but Pucci was right, it IS involved with attaining Heaven.

In astronomy, a black hole is a physical location of no return because Gravity is so strong that nothing -not even light- can escape. As you get closer to it, the flow of time slows down progressively to the extreme. From an outside viewpoint it's like time stops.

At its center, a black hole is thought to have a singularity point: a location where matter is compressed down to infinity and all conceptions of time and space completely break down. Some even call it "Reverse creation". But as we said, to reach Heaven we seek something way more specific.

As far as we know distant objects are seen as they existed in the past and quasars are the most distant and oldest that astronomers have been able to detect. The most distant quasars are seen at a time when the universe was one tenth its present age, roughly a billion years after the Big Bang. So we're not fully able to find our special primordial black hole, unless we have a way to get closer in a matter of time: Made in Heaven's ability to accelerate time to infinity through gravitational power manipulation will be providential in this. By moving back in time we get to reach and go over the Cosmic Microwave Background, a remnant from an early hot, opaque plasma stage post Big Bang and an evidence of it being the origin of the Universe, the beginning of time. We have zero knowledge of what's behind it as we can't observe it.

Assuming that Made in Heaven brings us there, what now? In the designed location, moving at infinite speed towards the singularity point of a black hole as old as the Universe itself, and with time SLOWING down once we meet the Singularity point, WHERE are we going? Incredibly, our answer can be found in the Book of the dead. In Ancient Egypt it was believed that the afterlife was a mirror image of life on Earth. Death was only a transition, not a completion, and opened the way to the possibility of eternal happiness. So let's consider this:

An entire universe behind a black hole, exactly like the one we know, but unaffected by the laws of Gravity as the Fate we know that keeps everyone in chains. Where a soul lives like any their normal life on Earth, but free to act outside any binary AND with the lack of the "Evil" that messed with their previous life, with the promise of a happy otherworldly existence. A chance of rebirth, staying true to yourself, but aware of mistakes you won't commit again. Now if this isn't Heaven i don't know what it is... It makes sense that through Made in Heaven only living organisms could reach such place, as the dead are already subject to the laws of Gravity in their predestined travel to either Hell or Heaven. But things got messed up by Pucci's intentions, as his stand ability is subject to his own belief, desires and psyche.

It is possible that "knowing your future in advace resulting in peace of mind and happiness" belief caused Pucci and Emporio to travel back in the course of Time jumping in a new world where destiny will repeat itself, hence the ability to see the nearest future as vision. And this is anywhere near to what truly Heaven is supposed to be. Happiness won't come from reviving your life exactly like it was (in fact the sole differences we spot are due the people that were already dead being replaced by their own version belonging to that world) but as we said it's the act of being FREE from the laws of Gravity. I believe this shift of intention is what caused Pucci's demise and Emporio's travel to a secondary parallel universe, hinting the existence of a multiverse where every world is connected to the others through the numerous black holes that reside in them. But neither of them would lead to the afterlife except for one. How much does this complicate things? Very.

Probably if Dio and Pucci were able to spend more time together, with Dio explaining better his view and belief, nothing of the canon timeline since before Pucci's death (his death included) would ever happen and everyone would be living their best life in Heaven. Or even better, if Dio were able to realize his plan before the events of part 3... (all the pain of SDC... gone, never existed. Sigh.)

Identifying Heaven as an Universe (including space and time, planets, stars, galaxies, all the forms of matter, energy, the souls of every creature and humanity) makes everything extremely interesting when we look at how the Jojoverse works.

Given that the gate for Heaven is a Quasar, it's known that sometimes they shoot out pairs of straight jets, containing matter moving close to the speed of light in a tight beam, to distances far beyond the galaxies they live in: how does this affect the worlds these beams reach?

For a start, we can assume that with Creation every living creature is born with a soul, that is shaped after the individual's choices, experience and psyche. In various religions it's attribuited to the Divine spark gifted by Gods. The references to light are so many that is difficult to call them a coincidence in a setting where "coincidence" isn't really something possible with Gravity's laws. Back to our matter escaped from Heaven, if it were to get in touch with a normal soul, we'd probably have an evolution reaction: natural born stand users.

I believe that the particles coming from Heaven, engaging with the soul that originated there, would trigger a violent reaction shaping the original soul into something more complex (and i would say dormant) that always belonged to the user. We'll learn with part 3 that not everyone has the spiritual strenght to bear this evolution, like when stands are induced later on. So are stand arrows involved too? The answer might surprise you.

Let's take a step back and move to the Poles, approximately 50k years ago, when a meteorite crash-landed on Earth around Cape York, Greenland and later on, in that same site, a misterious disease was found, leading to the creation of stand arrows 2to acquire the powers of Gods".

The fact everything happened at the poles is very relevant to this theory, especially a certain discovery. Let me introduce you to Neutrinos: a subatomic particle that is very similar to an electron, but has no electrical charge and a very small mass, it was almost believed they didn't have any at all. There are different types of neutrinos and they're the most abundant particles in the Universe, although very difficult to detect too. It is possible that a large fraction of the dark matter of the universe consists of primordial, Big Bang neutrinos.

The type that is relevant to us is high-energy cosmic neutrinos that are born in the CENTER of quasars, expulsed by jets and able to cross the Universe without interacting with matter and without any delays on their way. But at the Pole was found a particle that "shouldn't exist" shooting straight up out of the ice and seems to move straight back in direction of the quasar that originated it. Some scientists dared to call it "a ghost particle". Let's add this up to the evolution of the soul, the rules of Gravity and the guys that wanted to gain the power of a God: if the metallic material of the meteorite, infused with the ghost particle, were to come in contact with the organism where the souls resides... Did i already mention that they interact through Gravity?

Lastly, this whole system would give us a reasonable explanation for certain stand abilities, like Vanilla Ice's and Okuyasu's (being possibly connected to a black hole's singularity point, allowing them to destroy the matter they absorb with no turning back) or others, seen afterwards, capable to move objects or people through different dimensions and/or parallel worlds. Lastly, i wanna spend two words regarding Dio's resolve and why i firmly believe that he regretted his actions. Dio's a person who tends to live a lot in the past and lets it influence his future. I don't think though that his search for Happiness was meant for the whole humanity, like Pucci tried to achieve. Dio's wish was more selfish and limited to himself, perhaps to his trustworthy friend too, but nothing more. He sacrificed himself for something once, that didn't lead him to happyness as he might have thought at the start of Phantom Blood, but is ready to give up on everything a second time with no hesitation. No feelings of grandiosity or power, he recognized his mistakes and wanted to restart everything once again.

And maybe living a normal life for once. Who knows, maybe letting people be close to him without paranoid tendencies too... True, unfettered happines probably lies in the simplicity of conducting your life following your own decisions, and not Fate's. Or your abusive father's.

So this is Heaven. I know it's long, delirious at some traits and all, but i thought these corrispondences were neat and worth of being shared. So if you got till here and enjoyed it, thank you for your time!

[trulytiredhermit]

the boys having a breakdown when they realise that they aren't real to reader?!! yes!

I think it would be best off for readers sake if only one of the boys finds out at first cause they can ease them into it more slowly, honestly I can only imagine sky seeing one of the photos I have of my wooden goddess sword and loosing his mind over it, only to have one on one comfort from reader

and if reader had their switch with them to show the games!! seeing their past self on the screen would be so bad for them but with how reader has so many hours and 100% completion they would fall harder seeing reader care for them like that I imagine

(also I'm the same anon who sent the Boreas ask, if you take anons could I be known as 🌨️?)

Sure 🌧️!

And I definitely agree with Reader breaking it to the boys one member at a time.

We do not need 8 (or if we’re adding in the Cringe Links, First, and FD: 12) simultaneous breakdowns.

If that happened they’d all just hunker down in one spot and shut down for like a week.

But would Reader choose to reveal this knowledge to one of the Links or do one of them, as you mentioned with Sky, just end up finding out about it?

I feel like Time may be one of the better and more open members of the Chain should Reader choose to reveal the truth.

Just with the knowledge that he himself ended up creating 3 different timelines (aka worlds if we’re being honest here) in which one he “abandoned” (Wind’s era), one where he got to actually grow up (Majora’s Mask and Twilight’s era), and one where he died and failed in his mission to defeat Gannon (Legend and Hyrule’s timeline).

Or Warriors might be a good one to break the news too. Given that he literally hopped between the Link’s worlds and whatnot in his era.

He might be more understanding of the differences between worlds and universes.

Now I also have a thought on who I think would take this news the worst.

Legend.

This man literally had to live through Koholint, becoming friends with all the people there and having fun amazing times with Marin, only to wake up and realize none of it was real.

Then he finds out he’s technically not real in Reader’s world? That ALL the people he’s encountered and talked to, all of his adventures and hardships, weren’t real.

He’s gonna spiral, and he’s gonna spiral bad.

Unless Reader has gotten Legend to completely understand the multiverse theory and the fact that’s there’s worlds out there where anything is possible (“listen, there’s a world out there where we’re all donuts Legend.”) Reader better avoid telling this man ANYTHING.

NOW who do I think would be the ones to “accidentally” stumble across a thing of Reader’s and find out the truth?

Wild definitely (throughout the game this man gave no fucks to people’s personal belongings. He read their journals; stole their apples and looked amazing while doing it)

Wind (listen alright he’s a little gremlin child, he YEARNS for trouble and he emits noisy little brother vibes like no other, he SNOOPS through Reader’s things).

And I can maybe see Sky just one day seeing Reader playing on their switch when Reader was trying to be sneaky. (Perhaps Reader thought that he was in a deep sleep when really he was just pretending and just wanted to stare at Reader).

Then comes the one on one comforting for the poor Links.

I’m which case, looking back around to what I said about Legend, I think the best way to try and get the Link’s to understand and be somewhat okay is by explaining the multiverse theory.

Telling them that there are an infinite amount of parallel worlds out there, meaning that anything is possible.

————————————————————————-Sky: “So, there’s many versions of worlds in this… multiverse? And my world is one where I exist and yours is one where I - I’m not real?”

Reader: “Pretty much dear. In fact any type of world you think of right now, that’s a world that’s in the multiverse. It’s just never ending.”

Reader: “There’s a world where we’re all donuts. A world where Demise was a giant cuckoo. Hell, I’m sure there’s a world where I’m not real to you.”————————————————————————

And of course after getting the Link to believe and be okay with the thought that they’re not exactly real in their world, Reader would introduce them to their switch.

At first, The Link in question would be a little weirded out by seeing (and maybe even playing as themselves).

But then once they get more comfortable with it, they might start asking Reader questions.

Such as, “why did you play this-my game?”

“Were you there with me all the way?”

“Which game was your favorite, was it mine?”

And then the Link would bring up the question of the 100% that would show up in the corner of the screen.

Cue Reader explaining what it means.

Let’s be real here, the Link in question would die.

Their ears would turn red and they’d just be staring at Reader with raw adoration and love in their eyes. Honestly they’d probably start thinking Reader was a god/goddesses/deity at this point.

The fact that Reader spent their spare time making sure they did everything the game had to offer, got all the hearts and upgrades to help the Link in-game, went through all the trials with them.

Just because they cared for them so much and wanted to protect them.

The Link in question definitely falls even harder for Reader.

They really won’t be letting them go back to their original world now, not after what was revealed.

But mostly because they now have someone who understands them and what they went through.

Reader’s honestly sealed their fate even more.

[swordswoman97]

So that stream today. Wasn’t expecting lore, got home from to lore to watch. Real glad the weather forecast led to me going to that ren faire yesterday.

-First off the major thing, They found Gabriel! He’s saved! He’s not technically back yet, but I imagine he’ll probably make his reappearance whether tomorrow or Monday. My theory about what was going on was… right idea wrong details? I think I made a pretty good guess considering we didn’t know about the sabertooth gang until today.

-We got more details on Ros’s backstory! I really like how Noname weaved her backstory into it and I hope they do similar things with other pirates’ backstories later on. It really makes everything seem connected.

-Speaking of Gabriel, man is down bad for Owen. Like every single one of his journal entries mentioned her. My man is in for a rude awakening considering P!Owen doesn’t do commitment or monogamy. Though despite complaining about Gabriel coming off as desperate in his journals she is still very happy to see him safe. Maybe she likes his devotion more than she wants to admit or maybe she just wants to let him down gently.

-As for something he definitely likes: Acho. Those two have traded flirtatious jokes before but this stream was on another level. Owen compares hitting star with a cannonball to giving star flowers? Then another comment about tying him up, when they were trying to skip night on the one island Acho specifically put star’s bed next to the one Owen was already in at which one of them comments that the others don’t need to hurry? Okay you two. Also when Scott (I believe jokingly) comments he doesn’t think Owen should be a Heron anymore Acho encourages the idea of Owen switching to the Nightingales. Honestly they’re kinda cute ngl.

-Acho also opens up a little bit to Owen about stars backstory. It was honestly a sweet scene, and I definitely think of everyone on the Faction Isles, Owen is the most likely to understand considering her own family issues.

-On a less positive note, Owen seems to be considering leaving the Herons. She has some pretty major issues with the Heron leadership, and at the end of the stream she asks Christian about switching factions.

-So those undead at the fortress are definitely caused by the corruption like we all agree on that right? They only showed up after Michela freed it, they were all purple. This was definitely corruption. And I imagine this isn’t gonna be the only affect it has on the islands.

-I also imagine this probably isn’t the last we’ve seen of Sabertooth Gang. They’re not gonna give up, I guarantee they’re gonna cause more problems. I also guarantee that sun gem is gonna get stolen or lost eventually and the consequences definitely aren’t gonna be good.

-Owen was a secretary apparently. I’m guessing it was probably whether for her parents or some other family member in an attempt to prepare him to take over the family trading business. Either way, definitely nepotism.

-We can now add the Slayer to the list of people Owen is flirting with. This further confirms my claim that her two types are pretty blondes (Gabriel, Ausbie, Finnegan) and pretty people who can kick her ass (Saffrie, the Slayer.) And you have Acho who fits into both /j

[hermit-pride]

Day: 15. Still not doing very well with my journal but things are getting better. First off I saw my rheumatologist for a routine follow up and it appears that I am in remission with the Remicaide infusion and the weekly dose of methotrexate. But I had read that Paxil has properties that studies have shown reduces inflammation. I asked him to start me on it; which he did. Rheumatoid Arthritis also can cause depression as well. My theory about my depression is that I mostly denied having depression even though,in retrospect, I certainly had many symptoms of depression. But since I didn't "feel" depressed it was a particularly simple denial.

"Well dingbat", I told myself, "you have become so very accustomed to burying your feelings that you don't "feel" the depression like others".

So, nine days of Paxil and I see/feel the difference. My anhedonia has not changed appreciably, but my avolition has improved and I'm getting things done without reminders from my wife. My mood nearly always measured between 4.75 and 5.25 on a scale of 0 to 10 with 0 being suicidal and 10 being finally able to look into Jesus face and knowing that 10 will be my new "normal". Now I seem to be between 5 and 6. But am still insulated against moods that are lower or higher. With my lifelong SzPD I'm not sure how I would hand mood swings out of my normally narrow range.

I guess, to sum it up, some of my negative symptoms for SzPD are impacted by my depression. Go figure!?!

Other good news, and bad... My wife ordered herself a wheelchair and she used to for the first time today. With her multiple health problems, she spend most of her time in bed; problems like POTS, fibromyalgia, long covid, poorly controlled Addison's, chronic spine problems, and new(er) onset of steroid-induced diabetes all contribute to her having little energy, dizzy spells, and continued oxygen dependence. Her life is miserable.

But, between Adderall and Paxel I feel like talking (outloud) and have the spiritual energy to engage in conversation. She told me this morning while driving to visit out of town family that I'm a "different person" with these medications. I have been reminded and I feel bad that she has little social stimulation other than what I bring. It is great to be able to better provide this as she has been depressed and lonely because of me being somewhere else when I'm with her. Other good news is that she tolerated room air while at rest. The bad news is that she is no less tolerant of activities like getting ready to see our relative. It would normally take 2 hours if she was well but this morning took almost four! And she required help dressing and packing, etc. Long covid-19 is a bitch!!

My RA is doing quite well. I worked Wednesday and Thursday night (12hr shifts) and had no resultant pain. Typically my feet hurt for about 24° afterwards. I'm hoping it's Paxil doing it's thing in concomitant therapy with Remicaide and MTX. I admit, walking an average of 12-18,000 steps over a 12 hour period isn't good for RA joints but with my ADHD I just don't want to sit. Also, if I sit for more than five minutes I get stiff, like a 90 year old man and when I get up on me feet it hurts a little until the stiffness goes away. Fortunately, work is going well. Thursday night I was called into the managers office and told that the union signed a contract and now we can get our raises. She said next paycheck will show a $2.46 raise! It's a good time to be a nurse! But joking aside, I have always enjoyed being a nurse and hope my health holds up until I'm 70 years old and I will (mostly) retire. My wife suggested I go part-time and work one shift per week after I retire. Hopefully, that will be an option. 💛❤️.

[hunderprest]

I’m curious what are your theories on the missing Lewis journals? Do you think he didn’t write them or just lost them?

Judging by his mood swings I'd say he probably didn't write them. There's always the possibility that they were lost or destroyed when the canoes tiped over but I think its unlikely. If that had happened I think that lewis would have wrote a LONG winded entry about how charbonneau screwed him over just bc that seems like a very Lewis thing.

There's documentation that for majority of the time when he was writing, him and clark tried to stay as consistent to each other as possible so it makes me wonder:

1. Did he actually record his own findings to match with Clark's? When clark was tasked with having to get the journals published after Lewis's death did he find things in said journal entries that would have painted his friend in a bad light; like writing down his thoughts about not being good enough, perhaps suicide, perhaps thoughts considered "weird" during the era. And if he did notice this did clark burn said journals and just call them lost to protect his friend? I think its a strong possibility. We don't have any clue what Lewis's last letter to Clark said because he burned it. And it could easily be my queer ass projecting but maybe he'd written of instances in their friendship that wouldn't look good for either of them.

2. Lewis was manic. He's kinda all over the place for a good portion of the beginning of the journey. I mean the man took the money meant to buy canoes with to instead come back with a huge ass puppy. Yea normal people would do that; but it almost seems like he has no self control when it comes to collecting supplies. Always having either too much or not enough of something. We also know that multiple times throughout the journey clark says Lewis's attitude would drop to the lowest lows. As some who has severe depression I can see how that could play a part in not writing. Wanting to just focus on the main goal for the time being.

There's also the possibility that he was too engrossed in his exploring to remember to write down what he discovered. But that seems out of character too. Mainly because we know Lewis LOVED details. He'd include as much as possible, including a sample. It just seems weird to me that someone so obsessed with this could just "forget" to record it.

I think there's a lot of possibilities but I'd say he either didn't write them or they were destroyed.

[bonefydskeleton]

6, 7 and 14 for any of your fallout OCS!!

Oh my gosh hi moot!! It was so nice to come back home and get to think of answers to these questions, thank you so much for stopping by my inbox <3 Since there are only 3 questions I decided to answer them for Tiny, Dr. B’s, and Admiral Spittz.

6. Were they born pre-war or post-war?

Tiny: Post-war Virginia

Dr. Bartholomew Beau Brumsfeld: Post-war Texas

Admiral Spittz: Pre-war Russia

7. Do they wish they lived before the war / could go back to life before the war?

Tiny: I think she would LOVE to see life before the war. She’s an avid collector of pre-war clothing and has a stash of outfits she tries to keep as pristine as possible. Whenever she enters an abandoned building she treats it like a museum of people’s lives long past. Sure she’s there to scavenge for supplies to trade and sell but she takes her time combing through homes and old stores and shacks in the middle of the woods as if it might give her a better understanding of people who came before. There is a song in her playlist I consider to be a theme song of sorts, Story & Pictures by Wovenhand, that has a line which goes “As a boy I too drew near to the love of dust.” I just think that beautifully captures the way she sees the world around her razed to the ground and sees something precious and fragile in what remains. That if you disturb the ruins too much you might lose whoever was there before in their entirety. No photos, no personal belongings, just another empty space that was once filled. She’d love to experience life before the rising threat of nuclear war and see what it would be like to fit into some quaint suburban neighborhood. I can picture her daydreaming that the neighborhood is full of all her favorite people she’s met in her travels and they get to share in this peace too. Maybe have a barbecue with all her best friends and see what life would be like had it not hardened the hearts of so many.

Dr. Bartholomew Beau Brumsfeld: Not in the slightest. His family has plenty of history before the war and he is happy to put it all behind him and live life anew. My man LOVES being in the post-apocalypse where radiation has done the strangest things to creatures. I wouldn’t say he really studied veterinary medicine in any true capacity since universities don’t properly exist post-war, but his field studies have made him appreciate the resilience of life and the sheer awe-inspiring power of nature. Without the bombs dropping, he never would have discovered his love for the humble honeybeast or become a member of UCIT. His fascination with post-war life also extends to humanity! He’s currently on a quest to become irradiated himself because he’s convinced he isolated the gene that guarantees ghoulification. I say convinced because his theory has only worked once by happenstance after he saved his friend’s life with a Nuka Cola Quantum. For all I know this guy could blissfully walk into a rad twister and never be heard from again.

Admiral Spittz: He is the most nuanced case for this question because while I’m sure there are moments in life he is just Done With Being Here and wishes he could go back, he also recognizes that is a pipe dream and would much rather focus on the present problems he faces. He has a lot of other ghouls relying on him and a naval rivalry to maintain with Admiral Savrion. And life isn’t all bad! He owns a working plane and an aircraft carrier he wants to get seaworthy again. But every now and again time weighs heavily on him when he realizes just how old he’s become and how many people have entered his life and left again. It helps to eradicate the yearning by putting his thoughts and memories down on paper in journals.

14. What is their fondest memory?

Dr. Bartholomew Beau Brumsfeld: This one is so cute and wholesome for him- his fondest memory would be the day he discovered he could accelerate the growth process of a normal queen bee into a new Honeybeast! With a little help from some second hand brotherhood technology he got from a defector and a little tweaking, he was able to nurture his first companion, Annabelle! He was so excited to see her successful transformation in just 4 days that he celebrated by making her a little straw sunhat to wear so she wouldn’t get lost in the herd of other Honeybeasts his family was raising. When he got kicked out of his home for frivolous spending on his research and making so many bees they broke containment, she traveled with him to become his sidekick as an honorary member of UCIT. Sadly she passed away after attempting to sting a man who was holding hostages :( but he took a queen that she was carrying and made a new Honeybeast that is like Anabelle’s daughter! Her name is Bedelia and he loves her dearly. He gave her a little aviation cap so she wears a silly hat too.

Admiral Spittz: His fondest memory is one that is veeeery very old, pre-war in fact, back when he lived in a small Russian village as a young boy. His mother passed away from illness after his younger sister was born and their father was a nasty drunkard. So Spittz kind of took care of his sister in his mother’s place. He has a lot of personal memories of the two of them gathering produce from the market square together, teaching her to haggle a little, and then the two of them would walk to the local cemetery and eat their treats under the statue of a hooded angel. Estaire was the light of his life back then, and his heart hardened the day he lost her. He buried her in the cemetery next to the angel they visited and if he could find a way to get back to Russia now I think he would go and see if their small town survived the war and sit with her again at the statue.

[jvstheworld]

The Buffy re-watch: S1E6 (part 1)

The Pack

Let's do this.

We begin with a school trip to the zoo. Does anyone miss school trips? I never went anywhere fun for mine, for some reason my high school only really started to to do school trips after I left, which sucks. And the only trip I went on when at Uni was to London to go see Parliament (it was a requirement for first year journalism students).

And introducing your classic high school bullies. Bullies can go fuck themselves, we don't tolerate that here.

Why is the Principal on the school trip? Is that a thing? I wouldn't know since the guy who was the principal at my school when I was there was embroiled in a scandal that got him fired.

Sketchy zookeeper giving out hyena facts that will surely be used later in the episode.

Those hyena puppets are bad. There's no way to sugar coat it. They are terrible. I get it is a small budget show, mid season replacement, but could have tried a bit harder.

Animal possession. Oh the joy. And it got Xander too. This isn't going to go well.

Trip over, to the Bronze we go, where Willow notices Buffy jonesing for Angel.

I still want the leather jacket Buffy wears.

Fight training, a reminded to Giles that he needs better pads to protect his body.

Okay, did schools really have live animals as mascots? Do they still? How do they afford it? Animals are expensive. If you can't afford to look after an animal, don't get one.

This is one of the few times I relate to Xander. I suck at maths too.

Don't scare the pig. He does look like a Herbert, he's cute.

Ah dodgeball. You must remember the 5 Ds of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge. Man, that was an odd film but had a good cast, including Alan Tudyk who plays Wash in Firefly and Serenity (RIP Wash) and also Alpha in Dollhouse.

In theory, Buffy should be good at sports, right? So her being the last one in dodgeball makes sense. But poor Willow and Lance.

They ate the pig! It was alive and they ate it! It would have been scared and screaming and they ate it. Quick PSA: please properly cook any meat you intend to eat to avoid any illnesses and parasites.

Part 2 tomorrow where I will have much to say about a certain part that concerns Buffy and Xander.

[idv-news-boi]

-> Laurence's Journal Entries {Part 3}

Journal #21 {Who's this sassy, lost child ...?} @/vthekidfromtheforest

James... It seems the kids in this manor really like Akihiko- Like... way too much..

We recently just met some kid called "V" (shows a profile pic of V from the manor's files) turns out that's Jane's child,,, I thought Jane was too young for adoption papers- but as long as they're happy, sure! Not my business anyway-

Though that's not the real issue,,,,- Is just- this kid doesn't stop clinging on poor Akihiko who's kindly telling that he has to leave-

JDDJBDDJDJN Sorry,,, his situation amuses me a bit,,,- 🤣

I was trying to ask the kid kindly,,,! but she ended up threatening me...- rude lil one...

I ended up tricking her and hoisted Akihiko onto my shoulder before running away- She ended up crying as Akihiko waved rjfbfb- I felt a bit bad for the champ... A bit.

Journal #22 {Promoting the Showman's Profile~} @/idv-ask-the-showman

James,,, i thought I was dreaming at first- but i just met a circus veteran! Bonus point,,, he's a handsome, innovative ringmaster~

Oops- that slipped~!

Though, It's unfortunate how he had to face a tragic fate- all i can hope, James, is that he gets to be satisfied someday... And that his lil brother gets to live at the fullest.

Speaking about his brother, the young man sounded pretty familiar from Mr. Flynn's description... But i couldn't lay a finger on it.

Journal #23 {Interesting...} @/idv-avatar

Never thought I was going to meet someone who just got out of the game- and who asked a question related to an alternative identity crisis to think of- it's dark, but very interesting theory to consider...

Mmm... I might just check my insides in how an anatomy of a survivor is like- Who knows it may not be like my body structure from before! Akihiko won't agree with that idea, but I'm sure Eiji will for medical study purposes~

Journal #24 {I flirted with a senior- And it felt great~!}

Yes, you heard me- I committed the Kabedon and tried to flirt on Mr. Lucky Guy- Even asking for his real name... Never knew i would have such level of audacity but here i am~!

He looked so vulnerable and flustered... I couldn't resist- well, i can.... I just simply wanted to see that cute, freckled face upclose~

Journal #25 {Rosie...?}

Whenever i go to the same matches as her, Rosalyn seems to look more nervous when I'm around her,,,-

I really wonder why... And what's she hiding from within her ceramic, doll-like mask... Bet she'll look super adorable with both her face and her adorable lolita dress combined~

But i have the presentiment that there's something she's hiding... That i shouldn't know for some reason.

Journal #26 {I slandered the Vice Clan Leader~}

I simply slandered him by placing a crown in front of his sacred portrait- Akihiko didn't seem pleased at my actions hahaha!

The strange part after is that Angel has been glaring at me the entire lunch break once i got out of the room on my way to the dining room-

Journal #27 {So many papers...}

It seems today is a busy day,,, a lot of people coming, records to keep, news reports to track down,,, Even more paperwork and the dialogue papers i have to practice for my essence-more burden for the Witchita Scholar package essence if added.

Journal #28 {Wow...}

Rosie got chosen to match costume with Mr. Quinn- they look cute together~!

Though, i don't know why I'm feeling a bit jealous... Probably because I ate something bad.

Journal #29 {Angel is being extra again-}

The Spanish boi is really going extra in men like me- I don't even celebrate the holiday much! Though, I'm really enjoying Rosalyn's singing... Sounding beautifully familiar- but Angel kept insisting me to wesr for the occasion if I'm going to attend her concert- ahh,,,

Journal #30 {Holy Wow...}

JIIMMM- I NEVER THOUGHT FEBRUARY WOULD MAKE PEOPLE SO SWEET AND THOUGHTFUL FBRBFBBF,,,!!!!

Some Anon just have me a big pile of gears for my communicator! I'm still halfway searching through the items,,, nothing so far, but it's still a lot to look! At least some of the gears will come in handy for certain tools for Akihiko to fix~!

[itstherandomloller]

Most science journals themselves do not post corrections of studies even when the author of research of a study themselves comes forward after finding a mistake or admitting fraud. They probably would arrest if it were a woman mind you, let's be honest. But still, it is worth looking into research integrity and research integrity officers.

https://www.statnews.com/2023/01/10/corrections-retractions-journals/

Honestly a lot of this could be avoided by publishing research that doesn't go their way, it would also avoid others endlessly pouring money into the same study for centuries on end. Despite the fact people say it is harder to study the social sciences, natural sciences and hard sciences genuinely have more errors in their studies that get looked over. This isn't to say it isn't more of a problem in social sciences when the results dictate how people see society and which direction it should go or use a current state as "natural proof" to do nothing to change for the better, however researchers or specifically journals are given far too much credit. There is more of an incentive to keep the status quo and be hush hush, not to mention money entering the equation and social acceptance, than to really do science. Pretending to study for progress can allow one to remain exactly where he wants society to be while the people believe the myths they were taught are truths after all. Ironically though , I suppose the justification is that in a way works in everyone's favour because if everyone knew how everything actually works, a lot more bad would be done against women using said information. The truth is it doesn't of course, but anyone covering up their tracks and that of their fellows will use any excuse they make up on the spot to detract from the fact they're awfully incompetent and dangerous. Even those who are competent do not get their voice heard to retract or correct studies.

At least, I personally haven't come across a man who hasn't given up on correcting his own studies (and has the corrected version be more popular, I should really emphasise as that is what is really rare). Dr Robert Greene who put forth the alpha male theory debunked it 3 years later but journals and journalists weren't having any of it, even veterinary schools continue teaching that nonsense to this day so it is no wonder when you watch animal documentaries, go to the zoo or work in an animal shelter that you hear professionals of all people spouting such lies. Bearing in mind he debunked in the early 1970s!!! Worse, it is applied to animals other than wolves when that was never its intent , because research as it turns out, are not very good at doing their own research. What they are good at is falling for logical fallacies and transferring onto other topics things that aren't reasonable to apply them to. Like how people speak of pheromones when they do not exist in humans or in scientific parlance, have never been proven to exist in animal species other than insects. Other species such as some plants, ciliates, basic unicellular prokaryotes have been studied but they are neither animals nor mammals so claiming humans have pheromones is unscientific nonsense. I mean some multicellular eukaryotes have been studied but there isn't any proof humans have pheromones. Pseudoscience at best. Or how the myth that the clitoris has a thousand nerve endings in humans when they study comes from cows. Genuinely nobody should blindly follow science. You may not intend to become a scientist but for your sake, and that of anyone who you share information with, you *must* become scientifically literate. Otherwise you are just following another religion. More often than not, science is used in the interest of misogyny and Patriarchy because it is not done scientifically. Says all you need to know about who actually does science better.

remember that study that came out a few years back that claimed that countries with MORE gender equality have LESS women pursuing STEM careers? and a ton of people were pointing to it as 'innate sex differences', and we ourselves were trying to theorise why this could possibly be?

it was a bunk, unrepeatable piece of shit. also, the two MEN who published it have been claiming that women are biologically less geared for science than men for decades, so complete bias. they have their belief and work backwards to try and 'prove' it, the complete opposite of what actual scientists are supposed to do.

funny how the media and people who pushed this online never posted corrections.

[subjectively-objective]

Living in the Shadow of One's Future, Analyzing Captain Power (Part 4: "Final Stand")

We open with some Bio-Dreads entering a warehouse. They talk? That solidifies my theory that they don't have wireless communication. That's one of the crazy things about watching old sci-fi, sometimes their "future technology" is worse than what we have.

This shot is fun. I like all the extras desperately trying for spacework. Turning around, waiting, jumping onto pallets. Awesome.

I do like how the leader(?) asks for a locator to be brought in, only for the robot behind them to already be holding it.

The leader bot reminds their soldiers to "move it" which implies that they have motivation. I mean, we saw fear in the last episode, but that at least sort of made sense. A robot that runs away gets to fight again maybe. A robot that needs to be told to move faster is just gonna ruin the mission.

The whole incident was a setup and a firefight breaks out. The robots are beaten pretty easily. Another robot's head gets knocked off and only sparks fly further confirming my theory that bio is not stored in the head.

More shooties and pews. Some of these robots take more than one shot to kill which is nice to see. Too many shows have the bad guys fall in a single body shot. After murderizing the bio-dreads, they take a 'transmitter' from one of them.

It's actually a fairly fun and coherent action sequence. I know where the characters are, who they're shooting, it's way more fun when it makes sense.

There's also a Star Trek style journal entry. Huh.

"En route to Sector 7, grid coordinates 9 by 5. It used to have a name once. Not anymore." Glad they didn't stop the completely inappropriate dark tone for a show made to sell toys. Truly, I hope by the end of this one or more of the team are straight up dead, and the human lair (the Passages?) is destroyed just to really sell the weird tone.

Apparently the transmitter transmits their plans. So the bio-dreads have wireless comms, but as WWII style backpack receivers. Odd.

Also, what plans are there? The show's been pretty consistent that there's only a few people left and Power's crew are the only real rebels around.

They say there's "3 to 4 hundred civilians" at the target which would only take "3 sweeps, an hour" To do what? No way they're fitting 400 people on their tiny ship. We don't have it's top speed, but I doubt it can get to safety and back twice within an hour.

These details always bug me because it's your reality. If you want a ticking clock give them a transport shuttle but need an escort / cover to load it. If you want Power to save everyone make the timer 12-14 hours. The first few trips are easy, but the last one is hard. Only want the one trip? It's only a few dozen civilians. There are no inconveniences in a reality you create other than the ones you allow.

They fight and beat Soaron. Most interesting thing of note is Power called the missiles "antiques."

Lord Dread then orders Soaron to regenerate (not repair!) before completing the mission and digitize "and store" everyone. We knew digitizing was for storing people (including their memories),  but this implies a secondary use, lending credence to my "bio-dreads are people" theory.

Dread also receives "more salvaged artifacts from Toron[?]" to examine. Before he gets up, his chair needs to unlock. So, he's stuck there. Interesting. Is it providing power for him? Is it because the true leader of the empire (the Machine mentioned in the Robible last episode) doesn't trust him? Was it just because it looked cool? Who know.

The artifact just looks like a Keanu Reeves statue.

Oh wait, that was just the glass. It's actually a Gobot. Weird, I never thought they looked alike until now, but the evidence is all there.

Dread puts his Warhammer figuring into the spinny fire room where it is destroyed.

I would too man.

I have a lot of questions about this scene. Why is Dread collecting artifacts? Why is it a Warhammer figurine? Why does the melting chamber have a spinny and a mirror? Destroying it makes sense. If he hates humanity, he hates human creation. The figure also kinda looks robotic, so maybe it's blasphemous given his robible. But, if that were the case he would have it destroyed rather than mailed to himself.

At the human rubble palace (which looks a lot like the military base from episode 2), marauders have attacked it and wiped everyone out. That solves the logistics problem which is nice of them.

Tank recognizes the villain's voice. His face too.

Apparently, Tank and this guy (Kestrel? Keshgo?) were genetically engineered. What part of them was engineered? Their bigness? Cause the Power suits and laser guns kinda trivialize being muscled up.

I think Kashgo was a wrestler before everything went to shit.

Also, what kind of streets did you grow up in Micheal? Cause you look older than Power (or at least around his age) and the world only became sucks when he was an adult. Combine that with them both being genetically engineered fighty dudes, and I'm starting to think the world sucked before the Bio-Dreads took over.

Scout speaks in an accent here before quickly shutting it off. A weaker mind might assume this was a joke, or that Scout is from France or wherever that accent originates. But no! Rewatch the scene. He talks normally until he pulls out the crystal, then speaks with an accent until he puts the crystal back. That's why he's so flustered when he returns to his normal voice. It wasn't a failed joke, it was radiation turning him Ameri-French. Haunting.

It cuts back to Soaron talking to himself. There's gotta be a person in there. Why else would he shake his fists at the sky while shouting to a crowd of him if not for the soul of a little Victorian boy trying to break free so he can play marbles?

Back at the ruins, Keshgo reminds the audience of the plot and lures Tank into a trap. The trap is "I'll give you the remote you are supposed to take from my corpse." I'm surprised Tank fell for it so quickly. He clearly knows Keshgo as well as what rules he's playing by (to the death) but for some reason just thinks he can walk up and take the trigger.

There's a "I'm gonna do the thing to kill the people, but it's actually you, the heroe's, fault for not stopping me" scene here. Normally these are nonsense, but Keshgo has a point here. Tank just... walked up to him slowly after leisurely walking through an empty building. Cuation is good, but he had a set timer from the beginning, and he should know Keshgo wouldn't give up easily. Yeah, Keshgo's tripping the bomb but Tank isn't even trying to stop him.

This bothers me so much. Keshgo said there were only five minutes left, but the timer shows 8? Once again, it's your reality. There's no reason you couldn't make the timer say "5:00" when Power found it. Sure, this scene could be happening before the previous one, but most shows that do this 'split the POV' set up do it to denote simultaneous events.

Aside from that, I do like the detail of Power asking the hostage if the door was trapped. Slows down the episode and shows that he's cautious and not gonna walk into a trap blindly.

Tank kicks Keshgo through a concrete wall. So, the genetic boost is pretty strong. A single kick is stronger than 40% of Power's armor based on the last episode's window incident. However, such strength seems to come at the cost of his speed as Tank slowly approaches the detonator and patiently waits for Keshgo to sneak up behind him with a flaming stick.

There's a lot to unpack here. Keshgo implies Tank was holding back (Why? Was he afraid that Keshgo would detonate the bomb if he started losing?), the wall had some ripped posters on it that could be small lore pieces but are hard to read, but most importantly: there were flaming barrels in the streets.

Flaming barrels.

Who lit them? The people Keshgo hostaged? Keshgo? This is the post-apocalypse, any sort of movement could bring Bio-Dreads on you in an instant and where they are looks pretty sunny.

Why light a barrel on fire and waste precious fuel while also giving your position away to any aerial photography? Simple: Dread doesn't have air support.

I know what you might be thinking: "But isn't there a bad guy ship toy, the 'Evil Phantom Strikerᵀᴹ jet'?" Sure, sure. But it hasn't shown up in the show. Maybe it's the personal craft of Dread. We don't know that yet. What we do know is that the only aerial unit (shown so far) is Soaron who is clearly a high-ranking member of the army given his direct line to Lord Dread (and his unprofessional attitude towards him).

Despite this, we've seen him be sent on pointless missions like surveying sectors and hunting down a half-dozen civilians (Power said 300-400, but only like six were in the bomb cage, and I doubt Keshgo killed 394 people.). Why would your (assumed) second in command be an errand boy? Because he is. His rank isn't due to his status or abilities, it's because he's the only Bio-Dread that can fly.

If that's the case, then lighting a barrel for fun or warmth is trivial. There's only one plane on the planet. The chances of it flying over your particular rubble heap is low.

Power saves everyone and Tank leaves Keshgo with Soaron while they run. Power says some nonsense about how he'd die without armor. Yeah, that's the point. Rather than run, they stand there until Soaron kills him. After that, they jump from their cover(!?) and shoot at Soaron.

Third episode, third digitization. This one looks less painful, and Soaron roars again. Does he do that for fun, or does Digitizing people just feel good?

We have a short sequence of the SotF fighting Soaron before fleeing in the ship. This one might be just as long as the others, but feels way less gratuitious cause it isn't just shooting until the time is up. The characters are actively fleeing and approaching the ship which provides a good climax to the episode.

There's a cool moment where Power blocks a shot with his arm and it glows from the pyrotechnics. Tumblr only lets you put so many videos in a post, so you'll have to settle for a PNG-ture.

After their shooties are over, Power gives Tank a pep-talk about how he's not like Keshgo because he fought to protect things while Keshgo fought for himself. He also mentions the facility he grew up in, Babylon 5. Oh yeah, that reminds me that J. Michael Straczynski, creator of Babylon 5, was the head writer for this show.

I've always felt that unfamous shows with well-known credits behind them should have a little warning pop-up when you watch them. Knowing the people involved went on to do something (or came from something) really helps to set the mood when watching lesser-known things. Like this:

Overall, eh? This one was better-paced than the last ones (only adding one new character'll do that), but it also just wasn't as interesting. Tank being a genetic soldier is neat, but they didn't do anything with it in this episode, so why would I expect them to do it in future ones?

His conflict really wasn't fleshed out enough because they didn't tell us what the fuck it was. Yeah, Keshgo and him are from the same thing, but what was it? Evil soldiers? Fighting the Bio-Dreads? New Gen Construction Workers? And they only introduce Tank's desire to "leave that life behind" at the end of the episode. A short conversation in the beginning (hell, put it in one of the previous two episodes so it feels less forced) where he mentions how he wanted to leave fighting behind only to become THE fighting guy on the team of fighting guys would have helped. Cause as it stands I thought he just didn't want Keshgo to blow up the hostages rather than he didn't want to fight a person.

Honestly, the most interesting part for me was Tank name-dropping "Babylon 5.." I always find it fascinating to go through a writer's catalog and see certain ideas crop up as they evolve. I haven't watched Babylon 5 yet, but it's on the list. So, hopefully when I do I'll be able to look at things and go "He did that in Captain Power!"

But, that's also the problem with these sorts of things. Since most people would have seen or heard of Babylon 5 first, their reaction wouldn't be that Straczynski was thought of a cool name but that he was pre-referencing Babylon 5.

Rather than look at the name and plot elements that carry over as ideas originating in Captain Power before evolving into what they were in Babylon 5, they are seen as prototypes of the 'finished' work. Leaving the first In a perpetual state of incompleteness.

Yes, nothing exists in a vacuum. Every work is inspired and built upon something else. If a creator denies it then they're lying to you or themselves. Nevertheless, it is important to try to treat things as if they were made in a vacuum. Notice and comment on the similarity between stories, but don't define something by its inspirations.

[jodilin65]

I definitely do have sleep apnea. They're not making that up. I miss the days when I could flop onto my back in my sleep and not wake myself up snoring. Hell, sometimes I snore in other positions as well! 🙁 The weight's not coming off, so I need that mouth guard.

I slept poorly because I kept waking up. Sometimes I was hot, sometimes I was cold, and other times I woke up for no reason. Because of this, I was tired when I got up. A half hour later, I ended up napping for a couple of hours. Taking vitamins every other day isn’t enough for me. I feel more hypo. So it’s back to every day. That’s what I wanted to see though, where my sweet spot was.

Curious, I stepped on the scale a second time after my long nap to find I’d only gone down 0.2 pounds. This means I only lost the water I drank before the nap and then peed off when I got up. My metabolism is simply not moving. This is another reason not to bother dropping my calories anymore. It just wouldn’t do me any good. No point in putting myself out for zero results. Besides, I’m barely 5 pounds heavier than when I came here and I can’t believe I’m only 5 pounds away from stopping snoring. If I was suddenly 120 pounds then maybe I would stop snoring, but I’m not going even remotely close to that, so I need to improvise, and that can only be done if my insurance company will help me. I wish we were rich so we could pay for everything I needed! They’re right when they say that money isn’t everything, but it sure is something and it sure helps.

I wonder how much yesterday's sugar spree could account for how shitty I feel today, particularly when it comes to being tired. There will be absolutely no more sugar relapses until I've had enough time to test my energy levels without it! I mostly wanted an excuse to get out. I don’t want to go back to having doctor’s appointments like crazy, but I really like to get out when I’m on days and that doesn’t mean just stepping outside. Going outside would be better than nothing, but it’s been hot and humid and we don’t have the bench yet. I could sit somewhere in the carport, but then I’m in the shade. The idea is to give me adequate sunlight. I just don’t want it when it’s 90 degrees and nearly 100% humid. Not only is that uncomfortable, but I burn easily. So for now, I’m stuck indoors.

Funny how I read in a journal entry of mine from over 20 years ago how my life was more adventurous even if many of those adventures weren’t good, but back east I knew the same people and did the same things. Funny, because that’s how my life has been for many years now, but it’s better to have a little stagnancy at times because whenever it’s been adventurous it’s usually not in a good way.

My TMJ has been bugging me. It’s been really bad lately and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m not using my nasal spray enough. I don’t think all of it is because of nerve damage from surgery but also because of my Eustachian tube having problems draining.

On the way to CVS yesterday, where I grabbed two pieces of caramel that they sell individually, a little container of mini chocolate chip cookies, and some wine, we saw a county vehicle parked across from Crazy Karen. We also saw a woman and a man walking toward the redneck’s place. My first guess is that either he and Julie or the couple across from the nutjob called in county code violations at the nutjob’s place. Just because you’re crazy doesn’t mean you should be able to get away with shit. The place looks straight out of some comedy skit or circus and is caked with tons of mold. I was hoping someone would mention it in the group but they didn’t. I’m sure I could ask the redneck about it, but I don’t want to get involved.

Since they wouldn’t call the county on account of the nutjob acting out (the cops have been here before for that) and were walking up the redneck's driveway, I have another theory. Maybe it’s revenge from the park. Joe said they refused to do any more home improvements because of the mess over there, so they could be retaliating. I don’t think that’s how they would retaliate, though. If they were going to do so, they would just do what Joy did to us at the other place and make some ridiculous complaint.

Society says we’re supposed to have compassion for the mentally ill. Why? With all the problems they cause in society, just why? Pedophiles can’t help themselves, but that doesn’t mean we should all feel sorry for them.

Not too long ago, I planted a couple of lemon seeds. When they didn’t sprout, I told Tom he could throw the pot outside, and one of them has sprouted. That’s what happened with the scallion plant I planted as well. They would definitely rather grow outside.

I finally had a good dream that I didn't want to wake up from but did. I had a dream I spotted Termite Tammy and went to tell her to try threatening and blackmailing me to my face, but woke up before I could find her. Such a shame. I would have loved to have seen what I did to her!

It’s been just like old times with my dreams. I’ve been remembering quite a bit, even if many of them don’t make sense. Andy was sleeping over again in one dream and we were talking about how cloudy days sometimes make us tired.

Then I shoved some older woman who might have been my maternal grandmother, who was a bitch, and then spotted both siblings at a house party. That was the one I was bummed out to wake up from. It was weird too because before I went after my sister, I told my brother that if I never saw him again, I loved him and I wanted him to know it. The truth is I’m indifferent. I haven’t felt much for him either way for many years now.

In another dream, I was with a woman and another lesbian couple was going to move in with us. But then they decided not to because they wanted to move around and do certain things. My hair was in a braid that went past my ass in this dream.

Then I was in a house that looked like the first house I grew up in. In the middle of the living room by the fireplace sat a huge black woman who was old and not well. She was propped up on a bunch of pillows sleeping. In the back of the room on a couch was Tom’s mother. She didn’t have long to live and Tom was making sure she was comfortable before going in the kitchen to scrub the stove, which I told him I would take care of.

I was still a smoker in the next dream and lived in a two-story house. I stepped outside a large window or door and onto a metal overhang to have a cigarette. Its surface was slick with rain and I slipped off and onto the ground, but I wasn’t hurt. Then I headed around to knock on the front door for Tom to let me in.

In the last dream, we seemed to be in a rather modern home that was larger. I was looking for the perfect shoe spot in the living room for when we came in and kicked our shoes off.

[theanxiousghostartist]

TMAGP 27 Spoilers

(Theories and reactions)

Ooooo this was a good one!

Pre Case (Lena, Gwen, and Sam):

Lena is freaking out about the Minister's visit, and Gwen is doing so on ger behalf. I think this is Gwen trying to get closer to Lena and earn her trust. I'm definitely riding on my theory that she is planning on destroying the OIAR from the inside out - Gertrude style, with her interactions thusfar.

Lena really doesn't want Colin to return. It makes sense, but it's still interesting.

Lena also doesn't want any extra oversight - she seems very scared of the idea. We already know that Lena is afraid of her superiors to a degree, so I wonder if this could cause her to get on their "bad side."

Sam's in a good mood because of Celia, he really does like her!

I like how we can tell Gwen is drained from dealing with Lena and preparing for the Minister's visit. Phenomenal voice acting!!

Gwen giving Alice hard tasks is so on brand;I love their interactions.

Case (Augustus):

A Jonah case????

So these are excerpts from the Mangus Institute's Founder's journal/diary. I'm going to assume this is Jonah since the Institute's name remains the same. He is getting frustrated with the failures in the Institute's experiments with alchemy and transmutation. Specifically, he mentions, "...and-thus far are still unable to effect transmutations beyond those endeavors we each undertook alone." This reminds me of how Jonah, as well as some of his friends/partners (like Hailey), were marked by the Fears, which led them to further investigate/worship the fears.

Jonah runs into a Clarence (a sort of cab) of the Stranger (and perhaps the End or Lonely), which he avoids due to odd features (like the cabby only lookinb straight forward), and watches someone else get in and disappear. He runs into this again and again sees a man disappear, following a trail of blood to a hidden alleyway, where he finds the man's coat. He convinces a young coworker (who he thought was making some of his older friends "soft hearted"), Archibald Cameron, to ride in the cab and take notes. He mentions that Cameron "...loss of skin, and it's clear from his handwriting exactly when his eyes departed from his skull." This makes me lean towards the End more than the Lonley in conjuction with the Stranger because it reminds me of its domain during the Eyepolcolypse. Jonah basically discovers the fears, noting that Cameron wrote how he saw that his increase in fear led to the Clarence "eating him" faster. Jonah leaves off by basically saying that these "forces" could help them achieve their goals, whatever they might be.

I wonder if Jonah and Cameron is a parallel to Gertude and Michael. Both Jonah and Gertrude sacrificed a young member of their staff to a fear in order to learn more about it. While Jonah did it out of pure curiosity, Gertrude did it to stop the Spiral's ritual. While trying to learn about it wasn't her first intention, it still was an intention, as it acted as sort of a test to see if outside involvement in a ritual could stop it.

Theory: Based on what we know, I think that Jonah's goal is the opposite of his in TMA: he wants to create a utopia instead of a hellscape. However, his motivation is the same: he wants to be a god. My theory is that TMAGP!Jonah and the others want to make themselves gods of a utopia, with "gods of love" (as Gerry put it in TMA), helping them rule over this. So, while his goal is the opposite of TMA!Jonah, he still has the same characterization and motivations, although the technique to achieve this is different, as TMAGP!Jonah is using alchemy. Because of the involvement of alchemy, I assume TMAGP!Jonah is trying to bypass the alchemic rule of equivalent exchange "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return To obtain, something of equal value must be lost." (This is a quote from Full Metal Alchemist XD).

Jonah is most definitely still Eye aligned.

Post - Case (Alice and Gwen):

Alice canonically said she was trans!!!!!! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

I love this interaction (I feel like I say this about every Alice/Gwen interaction, lol. I love how their personalities contrast!!)

Gwen getting information from an email with gibberish??? I wonder if it's Jonah since Jon signed his email to Sam...

Oh! The documents are important, and she still has them, and she's lying to Alice... these have to be Institute documents. Since she knows Sam is into this stuff, I wonder if she will bring it up to him. Or perhaps she will tell Alice at a later point? I really like how she automatically goes to Alice for this sort of thing!

Post - Case (Sam, Celia, and Alice):

Ooo Helen's papers!

I wonder if the Institute needed to see the constellations. Like they know they're there, but they need to make sure it is a clear view for some sort of alchemy experiment.

Perhaps the perchloroethylene machines are to be used in treating fabrics as preparation for an experiment?

Sam and Celia communicating!!!!

So they want to pursue their relationship further? Oooo, interesting! I do appreciate Celia letting Sam know that Jack is her number 1 priority. I wonder if this relationship is going further because it helps her manipulate Sam more easily? (Also, when I say this in my posts, I mean it as something she is doing, but not negatively. I am rooting for her to be as manipulative as she wants/needs to be!)

Hilltop Centre???? As an outreach center??? Ohh, I wonder if this is where Celia is getting pulled to at night. Perhaps, it was an "outreach center" to the fears or other universes?

Trevor Herbert??????? As the Minister???? I did not have that on my bingo card!

Trevor Herbert was the vampire hunter in TMA who partnered with Julia Montauk in America. Both were aligned with the Hunt. Julia was killed by Daisy when she became an Avatar, Trevor was killed by Basira in the Hunt domain, while they were tracking Daisy (Trevor wanted revenge, Basira wanted to fulfill Daisy's final wishes). Perhaps the higher-ups and Lena's superiors have experienced hunting avatars, and that's how they got them under control? Maybe Lena is aligned with the Hunt as well? (I previously theorized that she was Web aligned, but both could be true)

Yay! Alice is getting involved. Hopefully, they will find a way to stop [Error].

Celia seemed mad when she realized the two went into "The Archivist's" office. She made a statement at the Institute - when Jon wasn't there about Agnes's ghost, I wonder if she saw something in Jon's office? Or maybe she's realizing that [Error] isn't necessarily Jon?

This episode was so good, and we got a lot of information from it!

I want to add a little note here that my theory posts may be shorter and/or at different times because I'm starting college next week and might not have time to listen 😭

[pedrospatch]

oh my god i love this story so much and i don’t know where to start.

this might be all over the place as i’m at work, but i just needed to get this second chapter in when i had some quiet/slow moments at my desk.

it hurts but it hurts SO GOOD. for as much as it makes me sad that she doesn’t remember and how hard it has to be hitting joel, there were so many instances where i smiled and i think it’s a great balance of angst, but also the comedic and sweeter moments too.

it’s so interesting to get glimpses of reader and who she was in the past seeing as that’s all she remembers. bits where she’s like “that’s not like me” and such.

i could probably quote the whole chapter but here’s a few of my favorite moments!

The longer his words set in, the more you were finding it difficult to look at him. It was such a strange feeling, having this large, burly, gruff man proclaim his love for you, to say he would stop at nothing to make you feel the same way, to insist you were meant for each other. It seemed so out of character, though you hardly felt like you knew him. But even now as you walked down the street, you noticed how some of the people in town glanced at him. Moving quickly out of his way.

It wasn't just you who found him intimidating.

i will ALWAYS be a fan of big, bad joel miller being so so SO soft for his girl. it’s like a drug to me. i just love it when everyone else runs in the other direction when it comes to this man because he’s kind of terrifying but for her? he’s a pile of goo.

You chanced a look at him, studying his stern expression when you realized he was still holding you against him. He was warm. Warmer than you expected. And solid.

oh this warm, solid steady man *sigh*

"I'm sure. You won't leave me, right?" you asked, looking at him nervously.

i can imagine joel’s heart must have fluttered a bit when she made sure he wouldn’t leave her because mine sure did

the scene when they’re at the bar and talking about the whiskey. 🥺

"Whiskey's how we first met," he said softly, still staring at the glass. You tilted your head towards him, waiting for him to continue. "When you first arrived, you were like a caged animal. You came here lookin' to blow off steam," he said with a distant smile. "It was a slow night. Just you and me and a handful of others. You were tossin' that shit back like it was nothin'."

she’s really shook that not only was she a drinker, but that she came onto him and it gave me a good chuckle.

At first, the memories made him smile, but once he saw the lost look on your face he felt the sadness creep back up, settling deep in his chest, and he wondered if he would ever get you back.

and then the angst came along like a slap in the face. but it’s fine it hurts so good.

"That must mean you don't remember Joel, right?"

Suddenly, the door swung open and Ellie stormed in. Her hard gaze drifted around to the three girls and she gave them a look of disgust.

"Scram, vultures," she told them, and the blonde made a face at her before flipping her hair over her shoulder and heading to one of the stalls. Ellie called your name and you scurried over, allowing her to lead you back out into the dining room but not before she gave the other two girls a few choice words.

YEAH YOU FUCKIN TELL EM ELLIE

i adore your characterization of her! it’s SO spot on imo

going down a bit further into the chapter. the way she’s willing to try for him gives me so much hope that her memories will come back to her sooner rather than later

i just want to hug joel btw. like he’s optimistic it seems but also you can just FEEL how fucking sad he is over it.

the journal was a nice touch for the plot but the last line she read???? the cliffhanger??? he lied to her???? WHAT

the way i think it’s going to make her take like 10 steps back because she’s probably going to feel like she can’t trust him??? i’m fine. not crying at all. GOD i hope i’m so wrong about this theory.

great second chapter!

i know who you are | 2. the journal

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Chapter Summary: Your memories still remain out of reach, so you ask Joel to tell you a bit about yourself, and with the help of a journal you kept, you begin to learn more about the person you became in the past ten years, leaving you with more questions than answers.

Chapter Warnings: language, eating, alcohol use, angst, pining, sad!Joel, amnesia

WC: 6.3K

Series Masterlist

"Did'ya get any sleep?"

You glanced up at Joel as you walked side by side towards the dining hall.

"No," you admitted, looking straight ahead again.

After Joel left you in his - your - bedroom, instructing you to rest on his way out, you found you could do anything but. Your mind was spinning with all of the information you had just learned, and you weren't sure which topic consumed you more: the end of the world or the supposed love of your life.

The longer his words set in, the more you were finding it difficult to look at him. It was such a strange feeling, having this large, burly, gruff man proclaim his love for you, to say he would stop at nothing to make you feel the same way, to insist you were meant for each other. It seemed so out of character, though you hardly felt like you knew him. But even now as you walked down the street, you noticed how some of the people in town glanced at him. Moving quickly out of his way.

It wasn't just you who found him intimidating.

You were distracted as you walked, curiously peering into storefronts and repurposed buildings when a group of children playing a game of tag nearly ran into you. At the last moment, Joel tugged your arm, pulling you into his side just in time. The children seemed to realize their mistake because their laughter quickly stopped and the smiles fell from their faces as they looked up at him.

"We're sorry, Mr. Miller," a young boy no more than eight years old said.

Miller. You never even bothered to ask his last name.

Joel just grunted and they scurried away, no doubt eager to escape his glare. You chanced a look at him, studying his stern expression when you realized he was still holding you against him. He was warm. Warmer than you expected. And solid. You cleared your throat and stepped away from his grasp, muttering your thanks and glancing around the busy street to avoid the disappointed look in his eye when it became clear you weren't comfortable with him touching you.

You shoved your hands in the pockets of your jeans and continued to walk in silence down the main road. A few people shot you curious looks or did double takes as they walked by, and you had to assume if Ellie heard the news about your accident, then others had, as well.

The Tipsy Bison came into view at the corner of the street, made obvious by the large crowds of people gathered outside.

"Does everyone have to eat here or are you allowed to have food in your homes?" you asked him, and he looked down at you, surprised by the question.

"We got food. It's not like a prison or somethin'," he said with a chuckle. "Most folks like to come here to socialize, but sometimes we cook dinner at home," he stopped short when he realized he never asked you what you preferred. "Did'ya wanna stay home instead?"

"No, this is fine," you told him over your shoulder.

"You sure? Maybe it's too much right now," he replied, jogging a bit to keep up.

"I'm sure. You won't leave me, right?" you asked, looking at him nervously.

"'Course not," he said, trying to hide his grin. He liked that you wanted him around, even if it was only because you didn't know anybody else. It was a start.

When Joel swung the door open, holding it wide so you could enter first, it might have been your imagination but you thought the loud chatter simultaneously died down for a split second. Then Joel stepped in beside you and the volume rose once again.

You wanted to look around and take in the rustic atmosphere but you could feel the eyes on you as Joel led you through the crowd, the scrutiny making you feel extremely out of place, so you kept your gaze pinned straight ahead. Following dutifully behind, you watched as people automatically moved out of his way, like he was Moses parting the Red Sea, until he reached a table in a somewhat quiet corner of the dining hall. He pulled out a chair and stood behind it, his hand still resting on the back, and it took you a second to realize he was waiting for you to sit so he could push it in. You quietly thanked him then finally looked around the room.

The dining room had tables scattered around, and as far as you could see, they all appeared to be taken. People were standing in groups, drinking and laughing and eating and you wondered how in the world your table wasn't taken. You were about to turn and ask when an older man approached your table.

"Hey guys," he said, pulling out a pad of paper from his pocket. "What'll it be?"

You went wide eyed for a moment, looking around trying to figure out what your choices were when, much to your relief, Joel spoke for you both.

"Still got any of that stew left?"

"Sure do. Few guys got lucky earlier today, too. Got two deer, so we'll be havin' more soon," he replied, jotting something down on his paper. "Two whiskies?"

Joel was about to nod when you spoke up for the first time.

"Just water for me, thanks," you said, and the man nodded his head.

"Thanks, Seth," Joel said as he walked away.

You glanced at Joel quickly, awkwardly catching his eye. It felt too much like a date. Dropping your gaze to the table, you tried to think of something to say.

"Probably a good idea, skippin' alcohol," he said. "Didn't even think about it, what with your head and all."

"Yeah," you said, your hand coming up to gently touch the stitches. "Besides, I don't like whiskey, anyway," you added. Joel laughed softly as he watched you shift nervously in your chair.

"What?" you asked with a frown.

"Nothin'," he replied, still staring at you in disbelief. "Just ever since you got here you've been tossin' back whiskey better than most of the men. You must've gotten a taste for it at some point."

"There's no way," you said, scrunching your nose when Seth put down Joel's glass in front of him. He stared down at it wistfully, swirling the amber liquid in the glass, lost in thought.

"Whiskey's how we first met," he said softly, still staring at the glass. You tilted your head towards him, waiting for him to continue. "When you first arrived, you were like a caged animal. You came here lookin' to blow off steam," he said with a distant smile. "It was a slow night. Just you and me and a handful of others. You were tossin' that shit back like it was nothin'."

You watched him as he reminisced. His eyes shone brightly and a small smile played on his lips, it almost felt like you were intruding on something special.

"When me and Ellie first arrived, no one really went outta their way to talk to me. I preferred it that way. Was used to bein' on my own," he continued, looking up at you now. "But that night, you sat down next to me at the bar like you had been waitin' for me or somethin'. You asked me if I was drinkin' for fun or drinkin' to forget. Those were the very first words you said to me."

You were completely silent as he spoke. The way he told it, it felt like you could see the scene playing out right before you, the way he remembered every detail left you in awe.

"What did you say?" you asked a little breathlessly.

The corner of his mouth twitched and he looked down at the table.

"Drinkin' to forget."

You waited for him to elaborate, but when it became apparent he wasn't going to, you asked him another question.

"Then what happened?"

He raised his eyebrows and hummed, a slow smile stretching across his face before he answered.

"You told me you could help me have fun and help me forget," he said, and you could feel the heat instantly flush your cheeks.

"Oh, my god," you murmured, covering your mouth, utterly mortified. "Please tell me you're joking."

He shook his head, still smiling at the memory. You glanced around the room, trying to look anywhere but at him.

"So then, did we...?" you trailed off, gaze still fixed on a spot on the wall.

"Oh, yeah. 'Course we did. I'm no saint," he chuckled.

"Jesus Christ," you said, burying your face in your hands. "That doesn't sound like me at all."

"It's not. Well, not anymore. You had an edge to you when you first arrived. Most do. Survivin' out there does that to you," he said, taking his first sip of whiskey.

You sat in silence for another minute, contemplating asking him what he knew about your life before you met him, but ultimately deciding against it. Maybe another time.

"Where's the bathroom?" you asked him, and he pointed down a small hallway near the bar. You thanked him, his eyes trailing after you as you made your way through the crowds, only dropping his gaze once you were no longer in view. It was a strange thing, recounting stories for you like that. At first, the memories made him smile, but once he saw the lost look on your face he felt the sadness creep back up, settling deep in his chest, and he wondered if he would ever get you back.

You knew you were in the bathroom too long. You knew he would likely be worried, but you just couldn't stop staring at your reflection in the mirror after you washed your hands. Who was this person staring back at you? She looked older and weathered and tired. Your fingertip gently prodded at the bags under your eyes and then a small scar on your chin. What happened to you out there to make you the person Joel was describing? What did you have to do to survive? And did you really want to know the answer?

The door swung open, startling you as three girls around your age entered the bathroom. Their giggles stopped when they saw you and you watched them exchange glances in the mirror before a pretty girl with long, blonde hair greeted you by name. Turning around, you gave her a smile, hoping they would go about their business so you could slip out of there, but of course the pretty girl wanted to talk.

"We heard you had an accident, are you okay?" she asked, and she sounded sincere, but something about her smile made you think twice.

"Yeah, got a few stitches but it should be fine," you said, your eyes flicking to the other two girls, giving them each a smile. They looked at each other and smirked before heading towards the bathroom stalls, leaving you with just the blonde.

"So, is it true? Did you really lose your memory?" she asked, her voice low as if it were a secret, and finally you were able to pick up the vibe. You had been to high school before the outbreak. You had encounters with these types of girls before. Friendly to your face, vicious behind your back.

"Uh, yeah," you admitted, and she gasped as if she felt bad, but you saw the way her eyes lit up.

"So you don't remember, like, anything?"

"Well, I remember before everything went to hell," you told her, "but I don't remember this place, no."

"Oh, wow," she said, and you heard the toilets flush before the other two girls exited the stalls, grinning conspiratorially at the blonde. "So you don't know anybody here?"

You shook your head, feeling uncomfortable with the line of questioning at this point. What was she really getting at?

"That must mean you don't remember Joel, right?" one of the girls at the sink piped up. You looked at her briefly over your shoulder and shook your head, turning back to the blonde but not before you caught the look in her eye.

"Oh, that's too bad," she said, giving you a pout. "Does that mean you aren't together anymore, or-"

Suddenly, the door swung open and Ellie stormed in. Her hard gaze drifted around to the three girls and she gave them a look of disgust.

"Scram, vultures," she told them, and the blonde made a face at her before flipping her hair over her shoulder and heading to one of the stalls. Ellie called your name and you scurried over, allowing her to lead you back out into the dining room but not before she gave the other two girls a few choice words.

"Don't talk to them, they're nasty," she told you as you weaved your way through the crowd. Joel's eyes instantly found you once you were in view and you saw him straighten up in his chair.

"You okay?" he asked, and you could see the genuine concern in his face as you sat down. You were about to answer when Ellie plopped down on the other side of him and spoke first.

"Angie and her little sidekicks cornered her in there," she explained, rolling her eyes. "Already sniffing around for scraps."

"What do you mean?" you asked her, but just then Seth arrived with your meals and you never got an answer.

"Stew again?" Ellie asked, scrunching up her nose.

"It's good," Joel told her before taking a bite. You looked down at the bowl and you were inclined to agree with Ellie, but you swallowed the food down anyway, just grateful for something to eat after such a long day.

"Aren't you going to eat?" you asked her, noticing she hadn't ordered anything and instead was busy sketching in a journal.

"Nah, I'm going to Dina's later, I'll eat there," she explained without looking up.

"Who's Dina?"

"Oh, my girlfriend," Ellie explained, glancing up at you briefly. "Sorry. I still can't get used to this. It's so weird you don't remember."

"Don't be out too late. You got school tomorrow," Joel reminded her. Even though he wasn't Ellie's father, he seemed to have quite the knack for being a dad.

"Yes, sir," she said sarcastically, giving him a weak, two-fingered salute before hunching back over her journal. You heard some familiar giggles coming from somewhere behind you, and when you turned to look, you locked eyes with the blonde girl from the bathroom - Angie - who was holding some drink in her hand, her two friends flanking her sides as she strolled past your table. Her eyes drifted briefly to Joel before she passed by, then turned her attention to her friends, disappearing into the crowd.

"Who is that?" you asked, realizing you never really got much of an explanation. Joel and Ellie responded at the same time.

"Nobody."

"Joel's ex."

Your eyebrows shot up in surprise as Joel glared at Ellie.

"What? She woulda found out eventually," Ellie protested.

"She ain't even an ex," he said, turning to you now. "Just a mistake I made one time before you even got here," he insisted. The tone in his voice made it sound like he was trying to reassure you there was nothing to worry about, but of course, the information didn't phase you.

"Okay," you replied with a shrug. He examined your blank stare for a moment, searching for a glimmer of recognition. The disappointment in his expression every time something like this happened was becoming too much to bear, so you dragged your eyes off him to glance around the crowded room once again. You found Tommy leaning against the bar and you stood up.

"Where are you goin'?"

"I need to ask Tommy something," you said. "I'll be right back."

His eyes followed you as you pushed your way towards the bar, his heart feeling like it was going to break. He wasn't exactly looking for you to have an overly jealous reaction to hearing about another woman from his past, but your casual indifference hurt more than he expected. When you first found out about Angie, you insisted you weren't jealous but the way you sneered at her going forward, combined with giving him the best sex of his life later that night told him a different story.

"You think she'll ever get her memory back?" Ellie asked, still focusing on her drawing. Joel sighed and dragged his hands down his face.

"I don't know, kid."

"What'd you need to talk to Tommy for?" Joel asked once you both arrived back to his - your - home. You had wandered into the kitchen, Joel hot on your trail.

"Oh, I just had a question about something I saw when we were out there today," you explained, and he raised an eyebrow for you to continue. "There were dead bodies when I came to. They looked all decayed and... subhuman. Now that you told me about the infection, I wanted to ask."

Joel watched you open and close cupboards until you found the glasses, then picked one out to fill with water.

"So you ran into some runners," he said, and you nodded. "Did he happen to mention how you hit your head?"

Your hand froze, your glass halfway to your lips as you considered his question.

"Actually, no, he didn't," you said, setting down the glass and looking up at him.

"Yeah, he didn't really tell me, either," he replied, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "When he told me you hit your head and you were havin' trouble remeberin' things, I just came runnin'."

Guilt washed over you yet again as you thought about Joel being told the news and how panicked he must have been. He practically ripped all the exam room doors off their hinges to find you, only to be met with a stranger when he finally did.

"Well, I can ask him tomorrow," you finally said, putting your glass in the sink to avoid looking at him.

"Yeah," he replied, trailing off a bit. He was still lost in thought, trying to remember Tommy's exact words when you walked past him towards the stairs.

"You're tired?"

"Well, it's been a long day," you told him, pausing on a stair to look back down at him.

"Right, 'course," he said, shaking his head and following you up. When you got to the doorway of his bedroom you paused, looking up at him. It seemed like he was struggling to say something, his mind working hard to find the words, but instead he just gazed down at you, brown eyes all wide and soft.

"Don't suppose anythin's comin' back to you yet?" he finally asked, and you hated seeing that look. That same hopeful look you kept seeing right before you opened your mouth and crushed him. This was hard for him, you knew that, but the way he kept looking at you was making things so much worse. The pressure you felt to become this person he was expecting you to be was overwhelming. You opted to drop your gaze to the floor and slowly shake your head.

"That's okay," he said, and you dragged your eyes back up to him. "Maybe tomorrow."

You gave him a small smile. "Yeah, maybe."

He sighed and glanced at the door to the spare room.

"You need anythin', I'm right next door," he said, hitching his thumb to the side and giving you a lopsided grin, but you could still see it in his eyes. The disappointment. The sadness. The yearning. And it was making you feel sick.

Just as he turned to head towards the spare room, you spoke. "Joel?"

And he eagerly swiveled back around.

"I'm gonna try really hard to remember," you said earnestly, looking deep into his eyes.

"I know," he replied with a sad smile. He gave you one more look before heading into the spare room and softly closing the door behind him.

Joel slept like shit.

No surprise there, really. He hadn't slept without you in years. He had hoped the whiskey would have helped, but he was wrong. His mind was racing as he tossed and turned, and by morning he had foolishly convinced himself that you would be back to normal after a good night's rest. He got up early and made coffee for the two of you, like he always did, then tended to the fire in the living room. The nights and early mornings were frigid, but the days were warm. The first sign that fall was approaching fast. He was just putting the poker back when he heard the bedroom door creak open upstairs and his heart jumped into his throat excitedly, but when you descended the stairs and locked eyes with him, he knew nothing had changed. He didn't even bother to ask. You didn't look at him the same way you used to. You used to smile and gravitate towards him, your hands always seeking out his, your eyes playful and loving, but now you looked at him like he was a complete stranger. Devoid of all affection, the only thing that remained was a forced politeness.

You said good morning and headed into the kitchen and Joel wondered how long it would take for you to come around. Less than a day ago, you looked at him in fear, but now you seemed at least comfortable in his presence. That had to count for something.

He must have looked like shit because when he joined you in the kitchen, you eyed him up and down curiously.

"Have you been up for a while?"

He shook his head and picked up his mug, taking a sip and hoping the caffeine would bring him back to life.

"How's your head?" he asked.

"Not great," you admitted, pouring your own cup of coffee. "It really hurts. I think whatever meds the doctor gave me yesterday wore off."

Without even thinking, Joel quickly closed the distance between you to examine your injury. You startled a bit when he came up behind you and lifted your hair, but for his benefit, you tamped down your reaction. His touch was surprisingly gentle as he gripped the nape of your neck to angle your head downwards in order to get a better look. You closed your eyes and held your breath as you focused on his fingertips pressing tenderly into your skin. You heard him murmur to himself, the sound coming from deep within his chest, and you realized just how close he really was. Aside from pulling you out of the way so the kids playing tag wouldn't knock you down, it was the first time he had really touched you, and he was so much softer than you expected.

"Don't think it's infected but let's go see the doc, just to be sure," he said, his hand still on your neck, his other hand pushing your hair away.

"Okay," you said quietly, finally allowing yourself to take in a shaky breath as you waited for him to release you.

As if he realized what he was doing, he let your hair fall back into place and let go of your neck, his fingertips lightly trailing down your spine before falling to his side, making you shiver and step away.

"Sorry," he said. "Should've asked to look first."

"It's fine," you told him, absentmindedly rubbing the spot on your neck his fingers just touched.

As you walked side by side to the infirmary, his stony expression slid back into place. Gone was the softness you witnessed in his home. His hardened gaze drifted around the street, then to the watch towers, taking everything in. Studying. Calculating. And that was when you realized there were two Joel Millers: the one who the rest of the town viewed as gruff and callous, and the one you saw in the kitchen that morning, soft and gentle.

You wondered how many people got to see the latter version.

Nick examined you again in the same room as before, but this time, Joel was there watching his every move like a hawk. You could practically see the tension radiating off Nick's shoulders as he moved around the room. He examined your cut carefully, Joel's eyes never once leaving his hands, confirming that it was not infected before parceling out ten little white tablets of extra strength Tylenol into a small baggie and advising you to use them sparingly as inventory was low.

"That's it?" Joel asked incredulously.

"You know how it is, Joel," Nick said, but you heard his voice waver when Joel stood up from his chair. "Meds are hard to come by, we gotta be smart-"

"She hit her goddamn head so fuckin' hard she's lucky she remembers her own name and you're givin' her Tylenol?" he seethed, and you could see his neck growing flush with anger again.

"Joel, calm down, it's fine," you said, sliding off the table. Turning to Nick, you were about to voice your thanks when Joel cut you off.

"It ain't fine. What's it gotta take to get somethin' that actually works?" he huffed, taking a step forward and making Nick shift his weight nervously. "She gotta be missin' an arm? Maybe if she hit her head hard enough to forget what fuckin' planet she's on?"

"Joel, that's enough!" you snapped with a frown, and much to Nick's relief, Joel instantly backed off. He turned and paced around the small room, his hand rubbing over his mouth as he tried to calm down.

"What about my memory? Is it a bad sign I haven't remembered anything yet?" you asked Nick, and Joel paused somewhere behind you to listen to his answer.

"Well, the brain is a tricky thing," he began, his eyes darting over your shoulder briefly. "It could be weeks, could be months. Without any imaging, I wouldn't be able to tell you much more than that." You nodded and swallowed nervously before asking your next question.

"Or never, right?"

Nick took a deep breath and looked at Joel over your shoulder again before responding.

"It's possible."

You heard Joel's boots squeak against the linoleum floor and without even looking, you knew he was anxiously pacing around again.

"Alright, thank you. We'll get out of your hair now," you said, turning to corral Joel towards the door.

"Regardless, I'd like to see you again in a few days so I can take a look at those stitches," Nick said, and you agreed while pushing a muttering Joel back out into the hallway.

"I'll get you better meds," he said as you both walked out of the infirmary. "I got patrol tomorrow mornin', but I can go out after. There's a small cluster of houses we never did a full sweep on. Maybe-"

"The Tylenol is fine, don't go through the trouble. You could get hurt," you said, shoving the baggie of pills into your pocket.

"Tylenol ain't gonna do shit. I don't want you bein' in pain if there's somethin' we can do about it."

You sighed and rubbed the back of your neck, trying to temporarily relieve the ache in your head until you could get home and take one of the pills. You gave Joel a sideways glance, studying him as you walked together. He was brash and rude and aggressive, but you were learning that side of him came out when he was being protective over the ones he loved.

Or when he was trying to hide who he really was.

"So, everyone pitches in around here, right?" you asked, trying to change the subject. "You do patrol. What do I do?"

You paused at a crossroads, trying to remember which way to go, when Joel's hand on your elbow guided you in the right direction.

"You work patrol, too, but you ain't doin' that anymore," he said, letting go of your elbow after holding on for a moment too long.

"Well, obviously. I don't even know how to ride a horse," you said with a snort. "So I guess I need to find a new job, right? Who do I talk to?"

"Why don't you slow down a minute?" Joel said with a chuckle. "Let that pretty little head of yours heal up before you go lookin' for work."

You weren't going to say anything about his comment. Although it took you off guard, you realized he had habits that were going to be hard to ignore and you didn't expect that to happen overnight, but he seemed to realize what he said on his own and awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Sorry," he said softly.

"It's okay. I know this is difficult for you," you said, shooting him a sympathetic glance as you climbed his porch steps. He swung open the door and followed you inside, where you made a beeline for a glass of water so you could take one of the pills.

"We got a lotta history, you and me. It's hard to start over," he said as he watched you toss back the Tylenol with a wince. You examined his face closely and pulled out one of the stools to sit down. You leaned forward, forearms resting on the cool countertop before replying.

"Tell me a story."

He raised an eyebrow at you but couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from turning up a bit.

"What kinda story?"

"A story about us. You just said we have a lot of history together. Let's hear some of it," you replied with an encouraging smile.

"You sure? Thought you'd wanna go lay down," he said, but he eagerly pulled up a stool across from you.

"I think I can handle one little story," you told him, then watched as he stared down at his hands on top of the counter, deep in thought. When he thought of one, a slow smile spread across his face and his dark brown eyes flicked up to meet yours and you saw that softer side of him again.

"Alright," he said, settling back a bit. "So I told'ya last night how we met."

You cringed, remembering the story of a much bolder and seductive version of yourself, and nodded.

"Well, after that night we started seein' each other for a few weeks. It was just casual, nothin' serious," he said, looking down at his hands again. "I convinced you to sneak around so no one would catch on, and you grew tired of that. Rightfully so. I was bein' an asshole."

You watched him pull at a loose thread on the cuff of his flannel shirt, his eyes still cast down and you were beginning to realize it was due to shame.

"So anyway. One day you came over to, y'know..." he said, and you felt the heat in your cheeks again. "And you confronted me about it head on. Demanded to know why I wanted to keep you a secret. Thought I was ashamed of you - which I wasn't," he said quickly, his eyes finally meeting yours again. "But I had been through a lot of shit and I just didn't think I could give myself to someone like that again."

"What kind of shit?" you asked quietly, but he just lightly shook his head.

"One story at a time," he told you with a sad smile. You chewed on your lower lip as you waited for him to continue, his focus back on the loose string while he collected his thoughts.

"So I explained I had a hard time lettin' people in, that I wasn't capable of carin' 'bout anyone like that anymore, and you said to me, 'I know who you are, Joel Miller. Don't give me that bullshit, you're just scared.'"

He stared into your eyes, letting what he said land and hoping to see a flicker of the woman who spoke those words, but you just continued to look at him, waiting for him to finish the story like it was about somebody else entirely.

"Well, you were right, obviously. You always are," he continued with a smirk. "It knocked me on my ass. And I didn't know what was more difficult to believe: that you knew me better than I knew myself, or someone like you wanted anythin' to do with me in the first place."

You smiled and dropped your gaze to the counter, suddenly feeling shy.

"I'm not saying I don't believe you, but so far, these stories don't sound like me at all," you admitted.

He took a deep breath and finally stopped fidgeting with his sleeve.

"A lot's happened in ten years. Stuff that changes people. But I don't care what version of you's here, I love all of you."

You kept your eyes glued to his hands. You wished you could say it back. You knew he wanted to hear it. Maybe one day.

He tapped his finger on the counter, pulling your attention up so you were forced to look him in the eye.

"You fought for me that night, now I'm gonna fight for you, okay?" he said, eyebrows raised as he waited for you to acknowledge him. When you nodded sheepishly, his shoulders relaxed.

"So you're saying I fell in love with you because you were an asshole?" you joked, trying to lighten the mood, and it worked. Joel laughed heartily and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Nah, you didn't love me then," he said, still smiling.

"So how did I fall in love with you?" you asked, and his tongue clicked against his teeth.

"You're gonna have to wait to find out," he replied with a wink.

It wasn't his fault, but the rest of the day you could feel Joel looking at you. He was examining you, waiting to see the woman he fell in love with, and the pressure was beginning to be too much, so you made up an excuse to go lay down in his bedroom. He had mentioned he had patrol in the morning. Maybe some time away from him would help you relax.

You stared up at the white ceiling. The distant sound of children laughing outside through the closed window and then the door to the garage swinging open and shut acted as a soundtrack to your overactive thoughts. You almost had to laugh. It felt like your mind was constantly working, churning up information and digesting it only to always come up empty.

Absolutely nothing seemed familiar. Nothing about this place or these people felt like home.

You wished so badly you could remember something. Anything to make you feel like you belonged there. One little shred of hope was all you were looking for.

And then you remembered the journal.

Sitting up in bed, you tucked your legs underneath you and reached over for the black book. You fingers hesitated for a moment on the cover. It felt like an invasion of privacy, but how could that be when it was your own?

Taking a deep breath, you flipped open the journal and began at the beginning.

Right away, you could tell you wrote the entries. There was no doubt in your mind. Aside from your handwriting, your typical disorganization shone through like a beacon on every page. You occasionally remembered to notate in the margin the date, or your best guess at the date, but more often than not you were left with very little context for each small paragraph you read.

You were disappointed to realize the journal seemed to begin after you had met Joel. A big part of you was very eager to learn more about the person you were before finding Jackson, but it seemed as though you would have to depend on others to tell you stories you hopefully had relayed to them in the past.

The first page looked to be a list of items you had jotted down that didn't make much sense, but maybe when you first found the notebook, you hadn't intended to use it as a journal.

Socks, colored pencils, sunflower seeds, cards.

Flipping the page, you skimmed a short paragraph about a cabin you stumbled upon when on patrol. Again, it was more notes than anything of any substance. A description of approximately where it was in relation to Jackson along with a note to 'mention it at the next town hall meeting'.

Finally something interesting on the next page, you read a short paragraph about someone named Maria having a baby girl, and you frowned when you read the line Joel handled it better than I expected.

Continuing on, you read an entry about Christmas: Joel found me the softest sweater, it almost felt brand new. I really don't know how he managed to find it and I described the house I grew up in to Ellie and she drew it perfectly, I can't believe how talented she is.

One paragraph in particular grabbed your attention. It was about two people, and based on the context, it sounded like you were close friends. For the first time since we got here, I had the same day off as Ben and Lisa. We went fishing together and brought a lunch. It felt just like old times. As weird as it sounds, sometimes I miss being out there with them. We made a good team.

Maybe this Ben and Lisa would be able to answer some questions you had about yourself. Based on what you just read, it sounded like they knew you before Jackson.

There was a lot more to read, but the next page stopped you dead in your tracks. Your heart began to beat faster as you stared at the four words. Just one sentence, no explanation. A shiver slowly trickled down your spine as you sat there, unmoving, as your vision narrowed on the page: Joel lied to me.

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[yanderelovlies]

✨Galaxy Anon ✨ here!

Alright what’s the schedule? Lol

Yes same to that sentiment. Yes like I actually feel bad sometimes when someone gets me something since then I can’t refuse it and also sometimes I’m not crazy about it but the thought counts. It is sometime I wish I can turn it off but nope. I mean ay least we are responsible with money.

Alright. Let me get the list

Helluva Boss

The Owl House

Amphibia

Arcane

Gravity Falls

Sunny Day Jack

My Dear hatchet man

See Thru: Need a Friend

My Hero Academia ( though have lost interest on later seasons and manga)

Tokyo Revengers

Fnaf ( more into lore than games. I love reading fanfiction about it it’s fun seeing theories)

The rest I have to remember but I like more anime and shows but these are the ones I indulge into the most. Hmm what’s wrong on aliexpress? Not trustworthy or selling it for crazy prices? I hope you find it soon viví!

Wow it really was that bad though can’t blame you I don’t think that work environment is good for you especially still in school. Do what I couldn’t do and pass the math. I’m serious I literally think I would’ve failed a grade from it. Ooh what kind of tips if I may ask?

Thanks viví especially you waiting for my replies and sorry again for taking awhile. I do my best to respond the fastest I can but it’s so busy in life sometimes I barely even have to wind down. It’s always great to see your replies and hear from you as well!

Ooh so cute! Any songs in particular you recommend or love to hear while driving?

Seriously it is like that. Your basically in danger for showing basic human decency for being tricked and hurt by horrible people it’s crazy. If your not paranoid you can get easily hurt worse. That’s why I just like staying inside so much. At least you have enough bravery to do that, I hate people hearing my music unless I let them and it’s rare. I mean seriously not even my family hears a lot of my music since it’s so personal to me and also I’m afraid they look at me weird for my taste. My music taste is wild. So yeah I don’t even take chances doing that since I feel self conscious and since I have terrible hearing well unless I want the world to hear I can’t do the same shame.

Honestly yeah. Yeah and on the other side there are people who demand your attention even if you visited there table twenty times and get mad if you don’t visit for four minutes it’s ridiculous and get mad at me for it. Thankfully most are patient. Yeah at least I’m used to it also so I have more patience.

Also to answer the other thing I said about having a break don’t worry viví! Tell your brain to shut up and have a break otherwise you’ll get stressed from the pressure. I mean at least you have a schedule but don’t be afraid to take a break on it. You make these requests for free so people shouldn’t demand you make it right away. Vivi’s brain let them rest!

Lol I'll have to get to you on that one

Oh i know my old friends use to ask how I always seem to keep money. I had to gently explain to them that they don't have to buy everything they see. I was not the favorite that day 👀

All of those I've heard of but never been into the fandom. It's hard for me to get into shows. I really want to cause it'd what everyone is into, but it's hard for me to watch it. My mind wanders and I do other things completely ignoring the show. Don't get me wrong I have shows, but not a lot.

That being said I wouldn't hearing about them! I don't mind spoilers if you don't mind questions. Who knows maybe talking about it with you will make me watch it! Also from what I understand it's like wish and I don't trust clothing that come from wish.

Honestly If it a gets really bad I'm getting a tutor I'm determined to pass and get my degree. Won't lie it scares me a bit but I'll do what I need to. Since it was on semester it was basics such as meditating, Journaling (that one had helped a lot by the way) and finding the little joys. If you point out something positive at the end of the day it helps you see the day as good rather focusing on the negative.

Honestly, that depends on my mood when I'm driving. But I can give you some of the songs that hyper fixated on lately!

Honestly, I think it is just because I have never been able to hide away till recently so anything I listened to everyone heard. The only downside to it is now I have big loud speaker in my house that my neighbors hear on the daily. It hasn't been a complaint yet (cause I usually play it during the day and turn of off the closer to dark it gets) but waiting. The only playlist I keep to myself if my "when the clouds come" type of playlist if you get what I mean.

The people who want your attention the whole time they are there make me upset. I just don't understand where that entitlement comes from. They get upset when people mess up their work day so why do it to others?? Ugh

I know 😭 thank you for worrying about me 🥺🥺💕💕