#I want to say I’m angry when in reality I’m just drained

[taviokapudding]

*sighs tiredly* It’s 3am

I caught my mom talking to herself when she could’ve turned on the light switch to locate the bathroom in her room or the hallway- she literally smacks, rubs, and crawls at the walls since 2:40 am, all while loudly talking to herself just below yelling. So I have to get her attention by yelling at her and slamming my bedroom door after she ignores me trying to help her (for 10 minutes prior) because she’s listening to the voices in her heard instead of me. So now that I got her attention and may have woken her up from semi- sleep walking by using the loud noise to snap her back to reality. I help her locate the bathroom (where she continues to not turn the light on), I realized she hadn’t flushed nor washed her hands. So I stop her, turn on the light, and showed her how, right?

But as she dries her hands, she takes the hand towel I use to dry my hands and face, and wipes the urine off her meat flaps. So I stop her and try to get her to wipe herself with toilet paper asking “did you wipe? Did you clean yourself?” And instead of being honest, she bolts and steals the toilet paper roll, and then slams her bedroom door so I have to use my body strength to get her to free the door and talk to me.

And instead of giving me an answer, she throws the toilet paper back in my face and starts crying because she blames me for getting pushed by the door that wouldn’t have touched her in the first place had she not slammed it at me and attempted to hold in place to avoid answering a basic question about her hygiene. She’s bolted the door shut with furniture before just because, how was I supposed to know she was behind the door if she refuses to talk nor answer me?

After yelling at me about being a terrible daughter, she hops into her bed and starts wailing about how she can’t leave the house and how I control everything she does

SHE DIDN’T FLUSH, WIPE, AND WASH - I literally cannot take her anywhere because her memory resets every 2 hrs so if she forgets who I am in public and claims I kidnap her (which has happened before) I have to avoid law enforcement getting called (again) AND IT IS 3AM WHERE TF ARE WE GOING TO GO???

I have to remind myself my mother’s mental state is horrendous and she doesn’t understand but archons, she literally stopped crying after my dad spoke to her- it was literal crocodile tears just to wake him up and force him to talk to her since she can’t sleep (she can but is mentally stubborn and choose to mentally fight her medication off intentionally so it fucks up her sleep cycle and throws her into sleep walking)

She could have spoken to me because I stay up until 3am for her and she knows this - she can’t form new memories every 2hrs at times but she knows I am basically her maid and has exploited it many times in the past - she can do many things but makes me do it because she knows that if she cries my dad will get angry at me and she likes to pick fights.

I know she always hates me (even before the dementia) and warps her schizophrenia symptoms into thinking everything she does is actually me doing it but m a n. My dad is tired and so am I, if senior care wasn’t hell here in the US & doubly since the pandemic started, I’d at least let her socialize at a senior center every day and pick her up in the evening.

[johnnieguilbertsgirlfriend]

hello!! I was wondering if you could do a johnnie x reader smut where y/n sits on johnnies lap and he fingers her and talks softly to her while doing it 😝

of COURSE i can this is also kinda answering this request!: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, how are you? I was wondering if i could request a johnnie x reader (gf) smut where she has a hand kink and johnnie makes her get off on his thigh and his fingers (im such a slut for dom johnnie)

𝐟𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 - 𝐣𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐞 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

CONTAINS: angst?, fluff, smut, p in v, oral (f receiving), praising, fingering, creampie, squirting (new feature unlocked😱), overstimulation (going round4round)

WC: not sure rn

story below the cut:

——————

throughout the past few weeks, johnnie had been unavailable. whether it was filming, or hanging out with jake and carrington. of course you still saw him, but you missed him. by the time you would wake up, the other side of the bed was already empty. this didn’t only make you sad, but frustrated. you just wanted your boyfriend to be there for you, and have someone to lean on. it was 2 p.m., where once again, you wake up cold, with no arms around you.

y/n: where are you?

johnnie: filming again, sorry baby i’ll be back later

y/n: r we still on for dinner tonight?

johnnie: of course, i’ll see you soon ❤️

y/n: okay have fun, love you :)

you sigh, feeling mentally and physically drained despite not doing a single thing. at least you and johnnie had actually planned for something tonight even with his busy schedule.

——————

sitting at the vanity, you were patting light makeup on your skin, followed by some cute eyeliner and lip gloss. the time was currently 7:30 and the reservation was for 8:15 p.m., so he should be there any minute. throwing on a cute black mini dress, paired with some heels, your outfit was complete.

y/n: helloooo its 7:50

y/n: we need to leave like now

y/n: ?? (delivered)

5 minutes pass, then 20, then an hour. you sat on your phone, scrolling on tiktok before finally accepting the reality of the situation. he wasn’t coming anytime soon. and that’s when you started to cry. taking off your shoes and putting on a hoodie, you crawled on the bed, too lazy to take anything else off.

resting your back on the headboard, you hear the front door unlock and the scuffle of shoes, along with some other voices. johnnie opens the door,

“i’m here i-“

“it’s 9:30.” you say, sniffling.

“what? oh shit sorry i forgot we had plans”

“yeah? you’re sorry? i’ve barely seen you for weeks now and that’s all?”

“babe i swear i wasn’t looking at the time it was just that jake and carrington dragged me to go places and-“

“jake this and carrington that, why does it always have to be about them?”

“because they’re my friends-“

“yeah well i’m your fucking girlfriend,” the room went quiet.

“but you know what? lately it feels like i’m not and maybe it should stay that way.”

“why are you being so dramatic about it?”

you’re furious. you get off the bed, and start walking to the kitchen. johnnie grabs your shoulders, turning you around, and pulling you into a hug. you smell his cologne, starting to break down into tears, burying your face deeper into his chest. deep down, you know he hates seeing you cry and get angry. you just felt so hurt.

“why? why do you have to do this to me. i miss you, i just want you to be with me and hold me. but you’re always too busy.”

he pats your head, running his fingers through your hair, while you let it out. once you collect yourself, you look up at him, with tear stains and a red nose.

“i love you. i’m so sorry for leaving you all the time, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me,”

“and you’re not overreacting.”

johnnie pulls you into a sweet and tender kiss, full of love and affection, but you pull back first. still upset, you look to the ground. he takes your face in his hands,

“let me make it up to you baby.”

he lowers his head to your neck, softly biting at your skin, making you let out a relieve sigh. then he kisses you again, this time being rougher and filled with more lust. you moan as his tongue reaches your mouth. before anyone sees this, he lifts your legs up, leaving kisses on your jaw while taking you back to his room.

he uses your back to close the door, walking towards the bed. he sets you down gently and helps you take your hoodie off. “baby you look amazing in this dress, you’re gonna have to wear it again soon” he pushes you down, trailing kisses from your neck, down to your collarbone. starting to lift your dress up and over your head, taking it off completely, it also reveals a set of black lingere you had put on beforehand.

“you wore this for me y/n?”

“mhm”

“it would look even better off of you”

you hum in response as he leaves hickeys right above your lacy bra. he plants kisses down your chest and stomach, to your core. he takes off his t-shirt and jeans. after, he takes off your panties, covering his finger with your wetness, and inserting it. “just relax angel i’m gonna take such good care of you” you groan as he starts sucking your breasts, giving equal attention, as he pumps another finger into you, increasing the speed a little. your breaths get heavier as you grip the bedsheets. “more m’ please” you whine. he goes even faster as you bite your lip to stop yourself from melting. arching your back for more friction against his hand, he uses another finger to rub your clit. “yeah baby thats it, just cum on my fingers” while he says that, you feel the knot in your stomach coming undone. “oh shit” you moan out, shaking slightly and cumming.

he pulls down his boxers, taking them off. he’s already really hard, so he coats his dick with your cum. the rooms feels as though it gets hotter with every breath you take in. he teases your clit with his tip, rubbing it slightly. “johnnie just fuck me already please,” you breathe out. “alright princess” he says, pushing fully into you, but slowly, groaning while letting you adjust to his length. “still so tight baby” he says, making you bite your lip, muffling your moan. “don’t do that, i want to hear all your pretty noises.” he picks up the pace, getting faster which each thrust.

“you’re so beautiful y/n” he says, you hold onto his waist, pulling him deeper inside you, hitting the right stop. “uh, fuck” with every sound you make, it encourages him to go harder, and faster. “shit, m’ gonna cum,” you moan out. johnnie’s breath gets heavier as he lifts your leg up, pounding even deeper into you. “inside,” you manage to get out as pleasure washes over you. shortly after, he thrusts one last time, cumming inside you.

he kisses your lips, but it’s not over just yet. johnnie comes closer, “baby, please ride my face” he whispers in your ear. at this point, you felt so overstimulated, but could never say no to that handsome face. you instantly get wetter again, and agree, putting him to the side and then climbing on top of his abdomen. “are you sure?” “one hunder percent,” he says, practically forcing your legs closer to his head.

you hover on top of his face, scared to suffocate him. however, he immediately pulls your thighs down, making you sit entirely while you let a moan out. he starts eating you out, flicking his tongue, somehow making you feel even better. “just like that,” he knew this time that you wouldn’t last that long, especially after the two orgasms you just had. so, he digs his mouth even deeper into your pussy, like the world was ending. this pulled a string of curse words out of you. “oh fuck,” is the last thing you can say, before you feel your whole body shaking, but this time it was new to you. you had squirted from the overstimulation, on johnnie’s face.

after, you get off of him, somewhat embarrassed. “uhm, i don’t know how, uh, that has never happened to me before-“

“no, that was hot.” he kisses your forehead gently before putting his boxers back on and getting a towel for both of you. he cleans you up and gives you a shirt to wear while he goes to grab new sheets. you sit on the floor with dead legs while he changes it for you. “i’m never washing this bed sheets ever again,” he says. “ewww,” you jokingly say back while laughing. he carries you in a cradle, setting you back down on the bed.

“so… are you still mad at me?”

“i could never stay mad at you,” you say, pulling him in for a hug.

—————

ENJOY THIS LADIES, YOUR BITCH IS BACK

currently working on some requests but theres NOT ENOUGH!! please always leave requests in my inboxesss 🩷 see u in the next 1!

[soft-persephone]

A Fresh Start 1

Mother’s Milk x Fem!Reader

M // WC: 1.3k // warnings: eventual smut, potential descriptions of mild violence, but mostly fluff, mostly sweet, typical romcom shenanigans // masterlist

“I don’t wanna go to the party.”

You sucked in a breath, holding back a sigh of frustration.

“TT, you need to make friends.”

Life was not what it should be, especially when 8 year olds are worried about your social life and general well being.

“Momo, I’m an adult,” you started softly, mustering all the cool calm collected and comforting and safe space energy you could, “and I take care of you. Not the other way around.” You put a hand on her shoulder, sliding it up and down her back.

“Thank you for thinking about me and caring about me. I love you just as much.” You studied her, hoping you weren’t making anything worse, “but you don’t need to worry about me. There’s nothing to worry about. Go have fun with your friends and I’ll be here when you’re ready to go or the party ends. Deal?”

“Will you at least be on your best behavior?”

You sighed.

“Go play with your friends.”

“But I just—“

“Now, Mo.”

Kids. You shook your head and grabbed the tray of food you made per the list that was sent out.

“You made it!” One of the mom’s wrapped her arms around you. You did your best not to look as uncomfortable as you felt.

“Thank you for having me.” You smiled and gave her the tray.

“Uhm, Sweetie. . . What are these?”

“Pigs in a blanket. Slightly charred A grade beef sausages, the mini ones of course, wrapped in a croissant dough, dusted with a caramel Dijon mustard and pepper sauce.”

“They’re third graders.” Sheila blinked at you.

You pouted with a huff.

“They’re just pigs in a blanket!”

“Sheila stop giving her a hard time.”

“Hi, I’m Tracey.” She looked back to you with a smile.

You introduced yourself slowly to all the other parents.

“So you’re Monice’s mother?”

You squeezed your hand.

Of course they all knew. At this point who didn’t.

“Uhm,” you took a breath for courage, “I’m actually her Aunt. Her mother didn’t make it through the accident.”

That’s what you had to call it, but it was far from an accident. Your dead sister in law and your brother in critical condition in a comma is not what you call an accident. Especially, when the forces that caused it had enough power in the world to prevent it if they weren’t such careless fucks.

But you couldn't say that part out loud or you’d get sued.

Some people gasped and you wanted to shrivel up and disappear. You wanted everyone to stop looking at you like you were about to break because you were, but it’s hard to keep it all together or at least just look like it with so many eyes on you.

“How are you holding up through all this?”

“We’re uh, we’re good. Monice obviously needed some therapy after what happened, and she wouldn’t do it unless I did it with her, but I honestly needed it too.”

Someone had made you a plate.

The pasta salad was amazing and the ribs spectacular. It was good to be around your people. You ignored the growing ache of your family. You all had been in shambles since the accident. Your mother barely talked to anyone. Your father was angry, but somehow rather a calm in the eye of a storm. He was holding it together for everyone, but at his age, he did not need to be doing anything like that, and nothing you said calmed either of them down.

“And you’re doing this alone?” Someone chimed in with a hand over their heart.

“Well, I had a boyfriend, but I guess he,uh wasn’t ready. He basically said he couldn’t be there for me.” You realized that might sound harsh, so you continued in an effort to diffuse the reality of your words, “he took me on a date to this beautiful restaurant we loved.”

You smiled at the thought, fighting tears.

“It was all so nice. . . And then he just started talking about how emotionally draining being with me was. How he didn’t want to start living with a kid and change his whole life around. That he still wanted more time and that it was just too much for him.” You picked at the roll on your plate.

“I always thought I had more time too, but none of that matters. Momo’s entire life has been turned upside down and she doesn’t know if her father will ever come back into her life or not. She’s scared all the time.” Your voice cracked.

“And this past Monday I was on the phone with my therapist just opening up trying, just trying, to get to a good place so I can be there for Mo, but she overheard me say I Feel like I’m alone and drowning with everything and that I just want my big brother back and now she’s so worried about me being alone and always asking me about my friends not being there for me like they were before and I just—“

Fuck you didn’t mean to say all that. You don’t mean to cry.

“Should we?” Sheila looked at Tracey who only shook her head.

“Maybe you should talk to Marvin?”

That’s all everyone in this community says.

“I heard Monice used to go to a different school?”

You but your lip. Unsure what to say.

“She was suspended.” You said matter of factly.

“After everything she’s been through?” Tracey asked.

“Everyone experiences trauma different. I want to curl into a ball, stay in my bed, and cry all day.” You sighed at nothing in particular, “Momo gets angry. Other kids still love superheroes and she lives in a world where superheroes took her family away. Long story short I’m in an office and they're telling me she’s a bully and has to go because her behavior is unacceptable.”

“That can’t be right.”Sheila said, aghast. “She’s a little black girl. It must be some sort of a mistake. You know how they are when we aren’t perfect all the time and I heard it was a pretty prestigious school.”

“I’d love to believe that was the case, but it’s not. She owned up to it. Told me everything and now we have to face the consequences of our actions, so bye bye old school, old friends, and all the other stuff.”

Everyone kind of stared at you.

Fuck.

You said something wrong. Or you don’t look so heartbroken and beaten down and broken enough, Or was it your parenting?

It was probably all of it.

You got overwhelmed, you wanted to chill out, you wanted to scream, you wanted to cry, but you got through it.

You looked out at the kids running around with large bubble wands and toys galore.

Momo seems to be having the grandest time with another little black girl. They chased each other with large bubbles, attempting to pop them on each other’s head.

She made a friend.

All of a sudden your shoulders were falling back and down into something relaxed. You were exhaling a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

Were you that tense the whole time?

You shook your head and made your way to the desert table once more.

There were these croissant donut things or some type of pastry. It looked so good, but you couldn't tell which one you wanted most. Between the decadent looking chocolate and the mouthwatering matcha strawberry. You couldn’t tell which one might taste better.

You only wanted one.

“You must be related to Monice?” A rich deep voice interrupted you.

You slightly turn around to meet warm brown eyes and equally comforting dark skin.

Butterflies filled your stomach. You chased the feeling down by fiddling with your fingers, still looking at him so it doesn’t come off as awkward as you felt.

“What gave it away?”

“You both stick your tongue in your cheek and pout when you can’t decide between more than one thing.”

You huffed a laugh through your nose. Your eyes rolling dramatically around not sure what to look at.

“I do not pout.” You crossed your arms. “I’m not a child.

“Well you're acting like one.” He picked up both croissants with a napkin and placed them on two plates. He gingerly cut both in half with a knife and swapped one of the halves. “Here, now you can have both.”

You held out both your hands. Looking at the plate and back up to him.

“How-how?”

“What do we say?” He ignored you. Taking a step into your space, leaning down so his face was in yours and staring.

“Stop.” You laughed but he didn’t move.

“Ugh, fine.” You smacked your teeth. “Thank you.”

“I’ll take it, but you could sound more grateful.”

“Mm.” You grunted at him and took a bite of the matcha one first.

He followed as you sat on the edge of the patio to continue to watch the kids play outside.

“Why don’t you come back in with the rest of them?”

“You mean inside with the women?”

He gave you an unamused look.

“You know what I meant.”

“Well, they started playing fuck marry kill for the Vaught dummies.” You picked at the corner of your paper plate, “and I excitedly yelled kill Homelander before anyone could say anything.”

You expected him to empathize. Maybe even give you a: damn, that’s tough. In the way some black men talk when they can’t express emotions, but what you don’t expect him to do was laugh.

“It’s not funny.” You muttered into your chocolate pastry as you took a bite.

“What did they say?” He bellowed and put his hand on his stomach.

“Nothing!” You laughed as he wiped a tear. “And that’s what makes it worse. I sorta lied and said I had to go to the bathroom and I’ve been out here ever since.”

“Well it’s nice to not be the only one around here.”

“The only one around here what?”

He looked at you. Really, looked at you.

“Who hates Supes.” He said lowly, leaning in so no one walking by could hear you.

You didn’t say anything and took another bite of the matcha one. You winced and he sort of turned to you, extending a hand as if he was going to hurily fix whatever was wrong.

“It’s fine,” you explained with a lick of your lips, “the matcha one doesn’t taste as good when you take a bite of the chocolate one before it, “it took me by surprise.”

“Oh.. right.” He put his free hand back on his plate, taking the piece of matcha pastry and stuffing the whole thing in his mouth, making him look 30 years younger.

A really really big kid.

You wanted to tease him for it.

But instead you handed him a napkin.

He silently took it before popping his thumb in his mouth and placing it on your cheek. You held in a breath as he wiped it across the corner of your mouth.

“I—“ you started.

“bad habit. I have a—

“DADDY!!”

A little girl squealed and ran up to you both.

You held a hand over your eyes to block the setting sun.

The man you wished you had asked a name of did his best to discretely lean away from you without his daughter noticing how close you were.

His daughter didn’t notice, but Momo was studying his every move.

Fuck, how were you about to explain this? Or rather, what is it that she thinks she saw and were you about to have a conversation you did not want to have. . . How much did she see?

“This is my new friend Monice! She goes by Momo or Mo!” His daughter went on and on to her father about every little fact about Mo, filling you with absolute glee.

Kids had that effect on you.

Whatever they were feeling just filled you up to the tips of your toes on steroids. Whatever she was about to ask him for you hoped he said yes. Who could say no to her? Certainly not you, but other adults seemed immune by this supernatural power obtained by every child. How? You’d never know.

It was your kryptonite.

“Can she spend the night?”

“Or can she spend the night at my house TT?” Momo excitedly interjected.

You looked up at, Daddy from where you were sitting on the patio. He had his arms crossed in thought but as he looked down, you could feel him telling you to pull yourself together.

You bit the inside of your cheek whenever you were deciding how to parent.

“Maybe some other time when me and Mr. . .”

“Milk” He filled in for you.

“Can talk about it? Okay?”

“What she said Janine.” Was all Mr. M said.

Janine was about to open her mouth to say more, but Momo knew better and pulled her away with a sigh.

“I can never have anything!” She frantically exclaimed as she dragged her friend away.

“But we —“

“No. We can’t!” Momo yelled back just to make sure you heard her.

Kids.

“You let her act like that?”

You narrowed your eyes and bit back a smile.

“Like what?”

“Oh, you know what I’m talking about.” He stuffed the other pastry in his mouth and brushed his hands together to get rid of the excess crumbs, making sure they didn't hit his clothes, “you’re spoiled too.”

“What makes you say that.”

“Spoiled children raise spoiled children.” He said it matter of factly, like it was wise somehow, and pulled a wet wipe out of his pocket. He handed you one as well before neatly putting the packet back in his jacket pocket.

“Sounds really funny coming from you.” Was all you said in the same casual tone he used before, taking the wipe and cleaning the excess sugar and sticky residue from your hands.

“Oh yeah.” He challenged, crossing his arms.

A cheeky grin slowly formed on your face. .

“Not when your daughter is clearly a Daddy’s girl.”

“Let me stop you right there—“

“—Who clearly gets everything she wants and more from you.” You raised a finger to his chest and he leaned in letting it touch him.

You don’t realize how excited you had got. Your cheeks were puffy with tears from laughing and your chest heaving from raising your voice for so long.

“And you love it.” You added with a huff and parted lips.”

“Takes one to know one.” He huffed. Perfectly still and unaffected, a wall of calm, but you saw the twitch of his lip.

“Look who’s pouting now.” You smirked.

He pulled away from you with a smack of his teeth and a groan.

“You got lucky.”

You curled your feet in the grass before you. Taking in the sounds and sights around for the first time, letting them wash over you, truly enjoying them since the first turn you arrived.

You were lucky.

.

.

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in next chapter:

@megamindsecretlair @nerdieforpedro @planetblaque @chaithetics @notapradagurl7

[simplydannie]

Previous “We Were Family!”

A request written for @veneerandvelvet!! Sorry it took awhile! I hope you like it!! I’m honestly nervous posting this 😣

TRIGGER WARNING ‼️ MENTION OF ALCOHOL ABUSE

Vivian couldn’t believe Cressida wouldn’t what she did to her children, Velvet and Veneer… but Cressida is cunning. Luring her sister’s husband Vaughn into a trap and down a spiraling path he once journeyed. Now regret sits on his mind.

It had been one month since the incident with Cressida. Since they found her beating away at their son. The twins mother, Vivian, had yet to speak about the incident. How could her own sister do such a thing? How could she lay hands on him in such a way? Vivian was angry at her self, how could she not see that Veneer had been hurting, that he been afraid to say anything?

She sat on her chair staring out the window as thought after thought ran through her mind. A small knock on the door brought her back to reality.

“Yes?” She answered.

Her husband walked in. She saw the concerned look on his face, he had been worried about her, he tried to talk to her but she just didn’t want to hear any of it, at least not yet.

“Viv, you’ve been cooped up in here all day.” He said.

“Just a few more minutes.”

“The twins are starting to worry. They know you’re upset. Vennie thinks you’re mad at him.”

“What? No! Oh no I’m not! Where is he?”

“He and Vels are playing outside. Viv, please go out with them. Take them somewhere just the three of you. I know you don’t want to talk about what happened, I know it hurts you because it hurts me too. I’m ready to talk about it Viv, ready when you are.” He said. Vivian was silent a moment, thinking of what her husband said.

“She’s my sister Vaughn, how could she do that? I would’ve never laid a hand on her children that way. My niece and nephew…. Never. Why? And especially on someone like Veneer. Veneer! Vaughn he wouldn’t harm a fly why would she hurt him. Has she hurt Velvet to and she hasn’t told me? Oh my god I’m a terrible mother!” She buried her hands in her face and began to cry. Her husband walked over, holding her tight.

“No Viv, you’re not. You just trusted someone you thought you could because she was family. You’re not a horrible mother. We make mistakes and are oblivious to things as parents… but I know you love those two as much as I do.” He held Vivian, allowing her to drain the tears she had been holding. They don’t know how much time passed as they held each other there in the room…

“Mommy?” A small voice caused Vivian to look up. The twins peeked through the opening of the door, a sadden look in their eyes as they saw their mother cry. Vivian quickly wiped her face, attempting to compose herself.

“Hi sweetie.”

“Why are you crying?” Velvet asked as her brother followed her.

“Just…” Vivian sighed, why lie about feelings? “Sometimes moms need to cry when we feel something strong.”

“What were you feeling?” Asked Veneer.

“Sad. Very sad. But dad helped me feel better.” She placed a hand on his cheek… how she get so lucky?

“Ew! Please don’t kiss.” Velvet gagged.

“Come on now Vels, be nice.” Her dad smiled.

“Well Dad gave me a great idea. How about we go down the store and get some junk food to bring home?”

“Oh!!” Veneer said excitedly.

“Yes!!! I want those cake poppers!”

“Tiff Toffs!!! Chocolate Tiff Toffs!” Veneer squealed.

“Then let’s go. Vennie, your tubing? Why is it off?” She scolded.

“Oh.” Veneer ran off with Velvet at his heels. Once the kids were out of view, she turned and leaned over to her husband, placing a passionate kiss on his lips.

“Thank you. I’ll bring you back something. Then I’ll have a little extra treat for you once the kids are asleep.”

“In that case, let’s just put them to sleep now?”

“Very funny Vaughn.”

Vaughn stayed back cleaning up the house when they left. Vivian had called to let him know the kids wanted to go get ice cream instead, so they would be out longer than they thought. He took his time cleaning their home when he received a phone call. Picking it up, he automatically answered thinking it was his wife.

“Hey babe, are the kids behaving?”

“Hello Vaughn.”

He knew the tone of voice, his heart grew hard and cold.

“How dare you call here Cressida.” He said.

“Hear me out Vaughn. I need some help.”

“Your sister isn’t home. I doubt she’ll want to talk to you after what happened.” He said.

“It’s not my sister I need help from. I need yours. It’s a surprise… a little apology for her.”

Vaughn sighed, “Why don’t you just call back when she’s here.”

“I really need your help. It’s for her. I want to fix my relationship with her.. I want to fix everything.” She said, practically begging. Vaughn was silent. He didn’t want to help her at all…. He was FAR from wanting to help her… but it was for Vivian. He wanted his wife to be happy, he didn’t want her beating herself over what happened…Perhaps Vaughn could talk sense into his sister-in-law, something that could rekindle the relationship between all of them again…

He sighed, “I’ll be right over.”

Hours passed. It was late in the night when the twins came home with their mother. They laughed and giggled running into the living room.

“Look at all my chocolate I got!” Veneer exclaimed as he sat in the couch.

“Don’t you dare take off your tubing, mister!” His mother warned. She went into the house calling out for her husband.

“Vaughn. Vaughn, babe, we’re home.” She called out. She looked around in the living then the kitchen. “Vaughn.” She went up the stairs and into their bedroom…. There she found him, sitting on the bed, his face buried in his hands…. He was crying.

“Vaughn! Babe, what happened? Hey look at me.” She pulled his face to look at hers. “What happened?”

He pulled her close, burying his face into her chest.

“Vaughn. What’s wrong! You’re worrying me. Tell me what’s wrong please.” She begged.

“I love you. You know that right.” He pulled her down to kiss her.

“Of course I do… are you alright?” She asked him.

“Just kiss me, Viv, please.”

“The kids are still awake.”

“Close the door, they’re occupied. I just really need you now.” He leaned his head on her chest again, “Please Viv.”

That night, the kids had gone off to bed, Vaughn lay there with his wife, holding her close. She was sound asleep. Regret hit him hard, guilt. He hated himself… he hated himself for what happened…. He should have never gone over to Cressidas…. He should have never helped her… nothing would have happened. He would never have this feeling of disgust. How could he betray Vivian in such a way, how could he do this the person he loved most?

Tears began falling down his face as he hugged her. He shouldn’t have trusted Cressida, he shouldn’t have drank with her…

“A toast to fixing family relations.” She had said. And he believed her. One sip of alcohol lead to another… the craving for it had returned….the addiction. Cressida had known this, she had known about his weakness. Vivian had told her out of pure trust. After a while, after a few drinks, Cressida began to look like Vivian, he swore it was her, the alcohol polluted his mind, his vision, he mixed reality with fantasy.

“Viv? I thought you were with the kids?” He had said. But it wasn’t Vivian, he swore he thought it was her, the effects of the alcohol made it look like her. So he pulled her in to kiss her… before he knew it, both their clothes were off….it wasn’t until after, that the effects of the alcohol wore off that he realized… it was Cressida, an evil smirk on her face.

“Oh my god…” Vivian had torn him away from that addiction, from that poison… all for him to come back to it for one night and betray his wife.

He kissed the back of her head as she slept. He loved her, he truly loved her… how could he do this to her? How could he tell her the truth? Would she forgive him when she found out? He buried his face into her hair… she smelled good… she always smelled good.

“I love you so much, Viv. I’m sorry.” He cried himself to sleep.

[emilycollins00]

Hiii I don't know if you would write it (it's okay if you don't) but to change the tone a bit, could you do a list of toxic traits/red flags of the troupes members? I saw it in another fandom and thought it would be interesting! love your stuff btw

Thank you for waiting love!! 💕 That said, hope you are still around aksdjkdn it's been a while.

I wasn’t sure if you meant in a relationship or just in general, so I went with the flow a bit and did whatever felt more suitable for each at the time (hence why some are longer)

Warning: I focused on showing bad traits and exploiting them so my apologies if any fan doesn’t like what I chose, don’t take it too much to heart!

A3! and their toxic traits

Sakuya – Conflict avoidance / Insecure

He struggles to voice what he wants because he’s afraid of upsetting others, this leads to Sakuya never deciding anything which can become kinda... vexing.

Of course, when there’s a fight he just doesn't wants to argue, and definitely avoids discussing certain topics. Not to say he’ll just apologize, but he will often try to find a solution (even if it doesn’t make much sense) to pretend it’s all good and everyone is content when in reality, no ones is.

Itaru – Childish / Half-assed

Has a tendency to talk about people behind their back when they do something that upsets him, instead of talking it out.

Sometimes going out with him feels like babysitting. He tends to complain if he’s in a place he didn’t want to be. It’s his day off and you two already saw one another three days ago, couldn’t he just have stayed at home?

Incredibly bad memory when it comes to remembering special occasions but try asking him when is the birthday of his favorite character… or maybe don’t.

Masumi – Overly intense / Tunnel focus

This boy’s downfall are relationships. Masumi has incredibly intense feelings – that’s no surprise, so when he finally falls the beginning is perfect, almost fairytale like.

But then he asks opinions about choosing a wedding venue. Asks about a having kids. When going to the store he even begins to look for baby clothes. First week gone and he’ll want to meet with in-laws. Want to move in together.

He loves so much that it’s overbearing and doesn’t realize how pressuring he is – how fast he’s willing to move everything. Still, what’s there to think? Their partner must want the same thing.

Chikage – Righteous / Emotionally Distant

Being with him, whether it’s in a romantic relationship or friendship, is emotionally draining.

While people pour everything they have into their relationships, Chikage, aside from the people from Mankai, won't even be half as invested. And all the time, patience, and effort that should've come from both parties is off unbalance which ofc turns into an eventual distance.

IF he’s ever confronted about it he sighs, because as expected, it now has become a tiring task for him. People know he’s usually like this. Why getting angry or bothered by his persona? It’s not like he was lying or anything to anyone.

Tsuzuru – Workaholic/ Untrustworthy

I think at first his relationships would be great. Tsuzuru does try to make time for friends/partners/family after all.

But sooner than later, he’s again cramped up with scriptwriting, uni, work... you name it.  People notice the pressure he’s under, so he’s usually proposed to take a break, to go with someone somewhere, but he just doesn’t listen. 

He will be apologetic “I’m so sorry, I have to complete this before the end of... “I forgot we were…” “I’ll make it up to you next time!” and it’s understandable, but he’s always like this.

If anyone insist too much, he might get irritated and snap, and if the person snaps back or leave he does realize how badly he messed up… but half the time, he won’t make a move. He’ll tell himself to talk it later.

Citron – Toxic Positivity / Overthinker

King of no one can be mad if we don’t focus on the issue? A little bit tactless given the situation as well.

And god bless him but while he takes notice if anyone is not feeling well, partner or not, he decides to be absolutely oblivious to their bad moods. If they want to talk about it he doesn’t get it either. Why is everyone upset about it, at least it’s over now!

Doesn’t like taking responsibility for his actions, making excuses to justify his behavior.

Tenma – Accusatory / Invasive

Always has something to say, no matter the argument – even if he's clearly the one in the wrong. Instead of working it out rationally, he shifts the blame away and pins it on the other person, guilt-tripping into thinking he's the one compromised.

If others were indeed wrong however, prepare for a non-stop nagging for days to come. If driven by his ego, this will escalate and in eeeevery conflict, this will be brought up.

In a relationship Tenma thinks he has the right to intervene in his partner’s personal affairs, meaning if they have something going on or someone they have a problem with, he’s going to lash out even if he was asked to leave it alone. What-? Why are you mad? You should be thanking him!

Muku – Pessimist / Passive

He want to know everything about everyone and in a relationship, his partner is always free to tell him about their problems… but that’s when troubles begin.

Overly sensitive, and when stresses he’s the type to blame himself in any situation which makes dealing with him kind of exhausting after a while.

That said, despite his kind self, Muku is overly passive in his communication. He often avoids direct confrontation, leading to unresolved issues which given his pessimistic nature as well have him tensed all the time awaiting when his actions might turn against him.

Since it really always his fault, you don’t have to remind him.

Misumi – Uncommunicative / Dismissive

Misumi, as many here, has a tendency to avoid confrontation and suppress his emotions, leading to communication barriers and unresolved issues in any type of relationship.

As it goes, this lack of communication prevents any relationship from progressing and resolving underlying issues, creating a stiff dynamic... at least from other people's view, since Misumi likes to get over things quickly and expects everyone to do the same. A little bit tactless in that sense.

This includes having a hard time taking the blame. He wants it to be on everyone. Even if it’s his fault, the closest anyone’s ever going to get is something like Mmm we all said and did things we shouldn’t, right? let’s try to move on!

Kumon – Overwhelming / Unattentive

He doesn’t even know he usually speaks over or interrupts others but definitely knows he has the need to protect their partner.

He’s so deluded into thinking he’s doing a good thing by pulling their partner away from the slightest danger. Sidewalk is too crowded? He’ll insist to walk on the busy road. Too hot today? Maybe it’s better to stay inside. He pulls everyone away every time he thinks they are close to getting hurt. At first it’s nice, but does become suffocating.

And if it's his partner tells him they don’t need his help, he’ll laugh before assisting anyway.

In general relations sometimes he will not stop even if you can’t keep up with him if he’s too excited. He’s just go go go all the time.

Kazunari – Liar / Dependant

On one hand Kazunari knows he can be completely honest with his partner, but he can’t differentiate between being honest in a way that supports a healthy relationship without… sometimes being honest in a way where he says something to hurt their feelings. So yeah, he sometimes lies.

He also involuntarily crosses boundaries (no consent in certain lives, photos uploaded…) and suffocates with constant attention. He struggles with trust issues too, constantly seeking validation from his partner or others to alleviate his insecurities.

This behavior in the end becomes draining if he’s in a relationship, as his partner feels trapped and unable to maintain their independence.

Yuki – Non-existent filter / Accusatory

During intense moments of blinding anger, Yuki jabs out everything he thinks without ever sugarcoating it, and there really isn't much to stop that.

Also maybe because while logical most of the time, he’s a bit short-tempered in certain situations (especially when stressed), so if provoked or at least he feels recriminated, he'll say some really hurtful things, insecurities that people took time to open up to with him.

If something goes wrong and he’s not in the fault he’s quick to complain as well. He already knew what was going to happen, so why did everyone insist on doing it? And why would anyone think he will sympathise afterwards? 

Banri – Expectations / Charge

Wants to be in charge of everything. Prone to micromanaging their partner while stubbornly refusing to ask for help even if it’s obvious,

He has so much going on that if anyone crosses him, romantic relationship or not, Banri will play with the “I will leave if you want”. Because he would leave and he wouldn’t even feel regretful.

Because of his good memory and capacities, he tends to wait for people to catch things quickly. He didn’t bring coffee to class and expects people to know that he drank it on the way because morning rehearsal was rough. He didn’t answer anyone’s text so he expected everyone to know that needs revision – to him, that stuff is easy. What? No one knew? He always does similar details for everyone – he shouldn’t have to say it out loud every time.

Specially his partner. They should know what he’s thinking in these moments. If they don’t, maybe they didn’t love him as much as they said.

Taichi – Jealous / Low self-esteem

This boy lacks confidence in himself and the relationship no matter the type.

Catches himself thinking how everyone is much better than him – and in a relationship he’s scared his partner would leave him for anyone. Makes sense. They are perfect and kind, he’s just... him.

Of course he would want to be with their partner all the time, very clingy and overly emotional when arguing with him or when they tell him off. Might have taken a look or two at his partner's notifications of messages. He felt bad after though, he promises!

Juza – Self-esteem / Walls

Usually clueless about what he’s doing wrong and can’t seem to know how much effort to put into a new relationship, romantic or not. It could be days of not talking with him or him not answering just because he didn’t know if it would feel abrasive.

So yeah, I wouldn’t say he’s blinded by his anxieties and worries but then again, it’s not like he’ll ever talk about it with anyone either.

In a relationship, Juza wouldn’t think they love him enough to stay if he reveals all his insecurities. In his eyes, his partner will leave him one day, he knows it. They are too good for someone like him.

Sakyo –  Rigid / Controlling

Exceedingly strict but only when it’s related to him. Like, he doesn’t pick up the phone during work time because that wouldn’t be professional of him, yet when he’s with others? He continues mentioning work-related stuff or leaves to take calls.

There’s also certain controlling behavior in his romantic relationships. While he may initially come across as caring and devoted, his need for control becomes evident as the relationship progresses, leading to feelings of suffocation and resentment.

When in a fight, Sakyo is rough with his words and has to have the last word no matter what. His anger also lasts for days and the silent treatment is a huge thing. Will act like nothing has happened after that.

Omi -  Low esteem / Unwillingness to commit

This man's steps on eggshells with relationships, romantic or not. Omi is terrified to let anyone in and see their eyes judging.

In a relationship he’s too scared to show how much he loves his partner and honestly that very own cautiousness, that unwillingness to fall, hurts more than he realizes.

Omi is also someone who never expresses complicated feelings, either. He might just need time, but never asks for any.

People are left feeling like they might only be in the relationship because he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. When asked he hesitates, which hurts the most. He can’t seem to understand he needs to let himself go. This happens again and again because in the end, Omi decides that it’s best to not fall at all – he doesn’t need another scar.

Azami – Extreme / Overly guarded

Azami is prude but as he grows, he becomes not so… accepting.

He scoffs wherever he sees something he doesn’t approve, and if in a relationship their partner wants to hold his hand, he’ll rip it away and lecture them angrily about how it might look to others. You should know by now.

As such, he tends to be emotionally distant and closed-off in all relationships. He struggles and often avoids discussing his feelings or concerns.

This emotional guardedness creates insecurity in the relationships, as many feel like they are unable to connect with him on a deeper level. His reluctance to open up leads to communication misunderstandings as well.

Their partner or friends must not love him, that’s the only reason he can think of – but he won’t show his fear of that possibility.

Tsumugi – Distracted / People pleaser

This young man doesn’t make it on purpose, which is all the way down frustrating.

He will have periods of time where he’s attentive to everyone, and in a relationship his partner is his number one priority.

Others becomes overly focused on his own pursuits, leaving little time or energy for nurturing any type of relationship. When he notices, he becomes again hyper attentive, doing anything for the relationship to not deteriorate.

But since additionally Tsumugi struggles to communicate effectively about his emotions and decisions, this leads to more distance to grow.

Hisoka – Ghosting / Short-tempered

Honestly he doesn’t look into the care and delicacy relationships take. Doesn’t answer messages nor call and if he does it’s quick and short.

He’s sparse with his attention. No, he doesn’t want to go out, partner, friend, or whatever should stop asking. Also it’s becoming annoying. When in a fight, if he finds it’s not important, it will always seem like he doesn’t care about anything.

Hisoka won’t compromise either, he won’t be more attentive, he doesn’t want to be, that’s too much work. And if they try to force it? Then people just don’t get him and probably just want to change him.

People unwllingness to accept and understand who he is only proves to him that this specific relationship whatever people what to call it, wasn’t meant to be, so he shrugs it off.

Azuma – Façade / Bottling emotions

No matter what, he refuses to share information about himself and can’t keep everything equal, whether you are a friend or his partner.

If there’s a feeling like something is off, and anyone mentions it rather than admitting what’s on his mind he’ll simply say that it’s fine, that all is good and perfect, and then proceed to bury it even deeper within him.

Azuma keeps burying his feelings in and trying not to resent whatever is causing him like this more and more until one day something happens and his emotions erupt out of him and he’s crying or worse, leaves for some time.

If anyone wants to know where he’s been, well, good luck trying to figure it out.

Tasuku – Rough / Absent-minded

Prioritizes his own needs and desires above others, resulting in selfish and insensitive behavior. I can’t imagine Tasuku changing his routine to fit someone else in, lover or not.

To him it’s pretty straightforward If someone doesn’t fall into sync with him, that’s life and this relationship just wasn’t meant to be. What? Why should he change the time he goes to the gym – shouldn’t his partner just get up earlier if they want to eat breakfast with him?

Or with his friends, sure he gets along, but why should he alter the way his life is, and try to finish rehearsal earlier? He doesn’t get the reason to change and tends to avoid fighting, not just because of cutting contact, but because he doesn’t want to fight with anyone... he doesn’t have time for whatever it is.

Homare – Overly worried / Opinionated

By now everyone should know that he will not give you much space when there’s a problem. He will constantly be asking questions about it and little time does he tries to listen to all versions or if he even should intervene.

And holy molly does he intervene often enough.

Also Homare doesn't get mad almost never, but becomes incredibly distressed when something goes wrong.

He won't say anything when he's feeling like that though. It's hard for him to control his emotions during a difficult time period and usually needs to be comforted to calm down but becomes so difficult when it’s time to allow people into the real him.

Guy – Distant / Trust

If this man ever has any type of problem, most people, partner included, will never know.

It’s not that he’s actively trying to keep things away, but he has no way of knowing that he should be sharing certain things.

Everyone is held at arm’s length. His partner might think being his partner would make them close, but it always feels like he confides in his troupe more than them.

Guy doesn’t have a good example of what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like, so don’t expect him to do anything romantic unless anyone tells him so. He also doesn’t have a filter, meaning he’s brutally honest. No one should be surprised if he hurts feelings in his monotonous voice.

_______________________________________________________

Hope you all enjoyed it, definitely interesting to think of them in these terms.

Have a wonderful day! 💕💕

[snippetsoferin]

Kai smut

Warning: Sexual content, violent sex

Lory's been yapping about her new-found passion in life, the second one this week, and I’m barely keeping it together. The book club used to be fun, but now, the meetings are leaving me feeling drained. Tonight’s no different. Kai is joining me because he is trying to be supportive, but he doesn’t understand why I am still putting myself through this.

Two hours in, and I am fed up. I just want to go back home and doze off in Kai’s arms, listening to him complain about the state of the world. I love my rebellious boy, who’d do anything for me, who’s already done so much, who showed me love and acceptance.

I glance at Kai and I can read the annoyance on his face. He grabs my hand under the table and gives it a gentle squeeze. Let’s make a run for it, he whispers in my ear. I nod. 

It’s 10 pm and the city is quiet. There’s a summer chill in the air. We are in the car park, next to our car. 

God, Lory has become such a conceited bitch! he shouts. 

She wasn’t like this, remember when we first joined the book club? Lately she’s changed a lot. Hard to believe, right? The world is growing worse with each passing day, I reply with sadness in my voice. 

But now you have me, he declares.

Yes, I have you, I say. I lift his hand to my mouth and kiss his fingers. I am so angry, you know? Remember how i used to say it's not healthy to self-isolate and that we need to find some social activities as well? God, I am so sick of this shit! Let’s move on top of a mountain and live there, just the two of us! I exclaim. 

Next thing I know, he pins me against the wall of the car park and kisses me. He is towering over me, with his wide frame and strong body. He doesn’t give me the chance to kiss him back. His lips are hungry for mine. After what feels like an eternity, he kisses the tip of my nose and says: I thought you’d never say that. 

Run away with you, you mean?, I ask, my lips raw from the kiss but not taken aback by his passionate display of affection.

Yes, he replies. 

I take his head in my hands and kiss his lips gently. I will run with you tonight if you want me to. 

I want you so badly, June.

I can feel my cheeks flushing. I caress his neck. He grabs my waist and pulls me closer into his body. I want to take you now and here, he commands. 

Kai, I whisper. Are you sure it’s a good idea? 

He cups my breast with one hand, while slowly lifting my dress with the other, looking into my eyes the whole time. My pulse is intensifying. My entire body is warming up. Kai, I mumble as I close my eyes. 

Don’t talk, he commands with a smirk and bites my lower lip hard, pushing me against the wall. 

I can feel the faint taste of blood in my mouth. My entire body is tingling and I become dizzy. 

Kai notices and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his hips.

He pulls my underwear to the side, unbuttons his jeans and enters me right then and there. He is as hard as a rock. I gasp. He covers my mouth with his hand. 

My vagina is so wet and my body is so weakened from all the desire I am feeling for him, that I lose my grip on reality completely, I surrender myself to him. He is pounding vigorously and I couldn’t escape his embrace even if I wanted to. I don’t want him to stop. My heart is pounding in my chest, my grip on his hips has become stronger, pulling him deeper into me.  

After what feels like an eternity, he thrusts one final time, deeply and violently, and finishes in my sore vagina. 

I can feel his sperm dripping on the sides of my legs. 

He lays me on the hood of the black Ford and lowers himself on top of me. He spreads my legs and starts rubbing my clit the way he knows I like it. He pushes two fingers inside of me. I am hungry for him. I can feel my orgasm building up, the heat taking over my body, my muscles tightening. Without any warning, he pushes in a third finger, stretching my pussy and causing an explosive orgasm. My vagina walls are throbing against his fingers. He removes them gently, so as not to hurt me. 

That’s my Venus fly trap, he whispers and pushes his tongue in my mouth. I am so overwhelmed by pleasure, I can't even move.

He takes a step back and looks at me. I must look ridiculous, with my hair disheveled, legs spread open, with his cum dripping all over my legs, on the hood of the car, my muscles still spasming, wanting more. 

You are beautiful, my love.

He takes out a handkerchief, wipes my legs and pushes my hair back. 

He licks the blood from my lips and gives me one final kiss, gentle and warm. He runs his fingers over my sore pussy and I flinch.

To be continued, he giggles.  

I fall asleep in the car, listening to the radio. I wake up in his arms the next day. He looks so innocent when he’s sleeping. 

[the-masked-ram]

Falling For Frogs- Chapter Three

CW: NSFW, Slow burn, chubby!reader, fem reader, original female character (paired with Haley), side ships, mental illness, anxiety attacks, smoking, bdsm, loss of virginity, online bullying (not in anyway involving seb)

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Chapter Three: Misunderstanding

Slowing down, that was the hardest thing about visiting Stardew Valley. Etta had recommended you take a break from work for a couple weeks, or even just a week. She said you needed to clear your head before getting back to the grindstone.

“Get rid of all that crap you’re carrying around,” she’d huffed as she tugged some weeds out from around her potatoes.

Yet, what did that leave you to do? You couldn’t help with the farm, Etta had that well in hand and the way she looked at you when you offered showed you’d just be more of a hindrance. You’d smiled sheepishly, because you knew she was right. Besides you weren’t in the right headspace right now to focus on caring for something, even if it was just plants. You could barely take care of yourself.

Eating was a chore, brushing your hair was easy to ignore if you weren’t careful, and taking a shower had become on a need to basis only. These were all things you’d used to enjoy. So, it was your current job to get your shit in order.

Waking up to the sounds of chirping birds and early morning grasshoppers was the strangest thing. You were used to the sounds of angry honking from traffic and muffled voices from the street. Yet, you’d slept better than you had in probably months because it wasn’t silent here, it was just noisy in a different way.

There was life here that wasn’t frustrated and repressed. There was the wind in the trees, animals making themselves known, and the scent of dirt and sunshine. It was strange to wake up and not instantly feel tense, not feel the pressure of impending doom from your own creation.

You sat on the guest bed, legs dangling over the side, for nearly an hour the third morning in the valley before the door to the little room burst open.

“Get out,” Etta said, jutting her thumb over her shoulder. “Start your day. There’s coffee ready if you want it.”

You looked up, your mind scrambling to catch up with her words and with the sudden yearning you had to start something. To try something different.

“I think I’ll take a shower first,” you said quietly, surprise coloring your words.

Etta didn’t necessarily know how bad things had gotten the last few months, but she could tell from your inflections, from your emotions that this was a step. No matter how small it was, it was something, you just weren’t exactly sure what it was. You weren’t sure if this was something that wouldn’t last, that would just continue to be a struggle, but all you could do was try.

Her lips quirked into a small smile, and she nodded.

After the shower you didn’t feel drained like you so often did. Instead, you had that strange invigoration running through you, a sensation that you were certain you’d never have again. How long had you been within that fog of depression and anxiety without a sign of hope?

Etta had been that light in the haze, guiding you to somewhere that had already started to rejuvenate you within a few days. Maybe you could do this.

The coffee was magical, even though it tasted bitter as if it had been burnt. The food was great even though it was simple just toast and slathering of nut butter on it topped with jam. Everything felt a little easier, a little simpler.

“I think I’m going to explore today,” you said, once again soft, unsure, surprised.

Etta didn’t say anything, just quirked her eyebrow as that self-satisfied smile curled her lips again.

“I need some inspiration. Is there anywhere near here with some water? I’m trying to…,” you paused to gather your words. “Create a lake in game and the water always looks off.”

You couldn’t quite explain the issue, but you knew if you saw it, saw the reality of what you wanted to create, something would come to you.

“Go up the path at the back of the farm, follow it until you come across the cabin. There’s a small lake past it that should be a good place to sit and relax,” Etta said. “Take something to snack on though, that breakfast won’t hold you. It’s about a thirty-minute walk.”

She handed you some weird sort of granola bar that looked far too gritty and an apple. You smiled anyway, couldn’t help it, because this was new and with new things came an odd mix of terrifying and exciting. You packed a bag with your sketchbook and the food.

“Don’t overdo it, and be back for dinner,” Etta called as you made your way up the steps.

You hadn’t gone out much yesterday, too overwhelmed by being in a new place to deal with being outside. Yet now, with the morning light catching the glisten of spring dew on the leaves and flowers, you felt you’d wasted that day. It was gorgeous here. The tiniest things stole your breath, the smallest step had you discovering creatures and plant life you’d never known in the city, and you honestly weren’t sure how you kept walking without stopping to sketch everything you saw. It was like the valley breathed with an unknown energy; you could feel it around you. The serenity.

Finally, you were at the lake. It was small but the shadows cast by the trees, the dappling of the weak morning sunlight, and the glisten of the rays on the ripples of water was enough to make you feel Etta had been right. This was where you needed to be.

You sat with your back pressed against a tree, and immediately set to work. Your pencil found exactly what you needed. You sketched the basics first, just your surroundings. It was simple but would make for easy remembering. Then you added a character, another position of that character dropping to their knee on the shore. You needed creatures in the water. Something people could run into, some friendly and some hostile.

Your brain was just popping off idea after idea, you didn’t even notice the sound of crunching boot heels in the dirt until a shadow fell across your page. You yelped and slammed the book closed.

Looking up you saw Sebastian, an unlit cigarette dangling from in between his lips, looking down at you with a quirked eyebrow.

“You, okay?” he asked.

You swallowed, Yoba, you weren’t ready to see anyone yet. Especially not him. Unable to form words quite yet, as your brain worked past the random scare that had just happened, you nodded silently. He tilted his head and looked decidedly unconvinced but shrugged none-the-less and moved a bit off to the side to slide down on the other side of the tree trunk.

Silence fell between you two, and normally you’d be fine with that, especially as you heard the click of his lighter and smelled the acrid tang of nicotine in the air. Yet, because you weren’t used to Sebastian, because he made you so incredibly aware of his presence, and because you were just an anxious wreck lately, you chose to break it.

“What are you doing out here?” you asked.

For several breaths he didn’t answer, and you wondered if he was just going to ignore you, that might have been better honestly but eventually, he sighed.

“I live over there,” he answered.

You knew he meant the cabin since it was the only place close enough to be referred to. You nodded to yourself, of course he lived there. That was just your luck.

“And your…?” you prompted again.

“Taking a break from work,” he filled in.

“Oh! What do you do for work?” you asked, it was a natural question, something you grabbed onto with hopeful hands because when he was speaking just like this, when you couldn’t see him, it was actually soothing.

“Freelance programming,” he muttered, almost too low for your buzzing mind to hear, almost.

You blinked, a programmer. A freelance programmer. Your fingers sank into the grass beneath you. That was so cool.

“That’s so amazing! What do you use?” you asked, nearly vibrating.

You heard him shift and then he was sitting close enough that if you turned your head, you could look at him. He was considering you closely.

“C#, C++, Java, JavaScript, HTML of course though it’s mostly outdated now, and some other basics I’m still teaching myself,” he shrugged like it was no big deal, but he was observing your reaction.

You nearly flailed, instead you gripped the ground so hard your fingernails bit into the dirt, “Oh my Yoba, are you self-taught on all of them?!”

He raised a brow once again and nodded, he almost seemed hesitant, like he didn’t understand why you were so excited.

“That’s insane! Like even I don’t know that many different types and I had to take basic classes for C++ it’s so—,” you swallowed cutting yourself off realizing what you were doing, what you were saying.

Oh Yoba, not only were you blathering like an idiot, but you were spilling you were a coder fluent in game coding, that was dangerous. Had he seen your sketches? He wouldn’t follow Perish though; you were fine here. You were fine.

His eyes glittered with interest and a soft smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. It only fell when you stopped talking abruptly. You ducked your head, fighting the urge to rip chunks of the ground out with your fingers. Fighting the desire to fidget and fiddle because being under his scrutiny was too much right now. Couldn’t he looked away already? That was better, that was safe.

“That’s cool,” he said. “Not many people I know who can code too. Not many people I know who… can get how hard it can be.”

His voice at the beginning of the sentence was soft, appreciative, but after the pause it dropped instantly. Frustration laced the words, and it caused your eyes to flicker back toward him. He was looking down, cigarette forgotten between his fingers for a moment as he seemed lost to his thoughts.

“Teaching yourself any skill that you can monetize is pretty amazing in my opinion. Then you decided to go freelance and have to keep your own schedule, make sure you turn into your clients on time, and advertise yourself,” you shook your head. “Anyone who doesn’t get it just don’t have a work ethic.”

His hazel eyes found your face again and his lips quirked in a half smile, an expression softer than the smirks he was giving you the night at the saloon. He seemed quieter today, gentler, though a little more aloof. Was it because the two of you were alone? Was it because he’d been drinking that night? You weren’t sure, you obviously didn’t know him well, but Yoba you’d never wanted to know someone this much before.

Sebastian was your type, that much was obvious, you’d always had a distinct type that caught your eye from a distance. Yet… you’d never really felt the desire like now to crack open someone’s shell so much. You’d never been with someone before in a romantic capacity, too caught up in virtual worlds.

“Why did you want to get away from the city?” he asked, resting back against the tree again and looking out at the lake.

It was easier to breathe without his attention directly on you. Your gaze didn’t leave his form though. Not the way he leaned against the bark, nor the way his hand brought his cigarette back to his lips, nor the lazy exhalation of smoke creeping from between his lips. Everything he did was languid, comfortable, and easy. He was used to this, maybe not you, maybe not sharing this space, but he was used to taking a moment in the shade and just existing.

Your lips pressed together tightly as you considered your answer. Eventually your fingers found the pressed, recycled paper of your journal, running them over the bumpy texture as you thought. Your eyes skipped back out across the lake, and you sighed.

“The city is a monster. At least for me, I think it’s like that for most people. Zuzu takes and takes until your running on nothing but fumes. It takes everything you have until your scrambling just to so you can stay out of the red,” you titled your head upward to watch the green leaves sway above you. “Whether it takes your sanity, your money, or your pride. It doesn’t matter. It’s a greedy creature.”

Silence met your words for a long time. Seconds stretched into minutes, and you were certain it might have stretched into hours. You wondered if you’d somehow fucked up. Yet finally, after what may have been ten minutes or may have been thirty, Sebastian said something that surprised you.

“I want to move to the city,” he seemed to sink further into the tree as he huffed. “I want to disappear. I want to escape from this place. I almost have the money saved up. It’s been my dream since I was sixteen.”

Your eyes narrowed, “It’s everyone’s dream. Zuzu offers dreams and snatches them away.”

You turned to look at him again, your lip curling as you thought of this man among the crowd. How calm he was, how much the city would taint everything good in him. The words rose within you, and you tried, you really tried to push them down. But the impulse was too strong, you had to warn him.

“The city would eat you alive,” you said coldly.

---

Sebastian balked, his cigarette falling from his fingers onto the ground beneath him. He cursed under his breath and ground it down under his heel before he turned his attention back to you. Your face was stoney, no shift of emotion, no fear, no anger, just knowledge. Like what you’d said to him had been sheer facts.

He hated those words. Irritation and annoyance bubbled within him, but delicately laced within those two more volatile emotions was an undercurrent of shame. It was an instant recipe for him to lash out. You weren’t right, how could you be, you didn’t know him!

His fingers curled into a fist, finally he saw you in a new light. Not the soft, shy little gamer girl he’d come across. Not the anxious blushing woman he’d met in the saloon. He saw you as someone who was actively telling him, he couldn’t do something, and he had enough of that in his fucking life.

A sneer rippled across his face, matching your expression quite well, though his was far more hostile.

“Yeah? And what the fuck do you know? What the fuck could you possibly know about me and my damned life to make that assumption!” his voice was growing louder and louder until he finally shove himself up off the ground.

He refused to look back as he stomped toward the house, He refused, even though everything in him screeched to apologize, that you hadn’t meant to hurt him. That he was once again just being a jerk.

He didn’t stop his forward movement or his agitation until he was finally back in the dark, cool air of his bedroom. Only then did he allow himself to sink down onto the couch, running a hand over his face, then his hair. What if you were right? Where would that leave him?

---Taglist--- @queenmimis

[everybodyshusband]

wip snippet in honour of my rediscovery of this wip that's been haunting my google docs since march !! they/them daddy rain and transmasc dew under the cut :D

Rain huffs. “Fucking hells, Dew. Can’t you just be good, for once in your goddamn life?”

“But it’s so much more fun like this.”

“You want fun? I’ll show you fun, you fucking brat.” Rain sits back on their haunches and takes Dewdrop in. The weight and intensity of their gaze burns hot and heavy over Dewdrop’s skin. He shivers, despite his rising body temperature. “Floor,” Rain orders. “Now.”

“Wha–?” Dewdrop doesn’t even get the full word out before he’s being yanked up and shoved onto the floor. He’ll set himself on fire before he admits how much wetter their actions make him. “Rain!”

“What? You wanted this to be fun, you didn’t say who for.” They adjust themselves so they’re sitting on the edge of Dewdrop’s bed, legs spread just far enough apart to fit a horny fire ghoul in between them. “And you were calling me something else earlier…” they add, staring down at him. When they next speak, their tone doesn’t soften one bit, but their eyes do; Dewdrop doesn’t even think they’re doing it consciously. “Don’t you think you should be calling me that again?”

Dewdrop does nothing but stare up at them, hoping the glassiness of his doesn’t betray his true desires to be fucked brainless; to be good. He wants to; Sathanas, he wants to. But he wants to let Rain force it out of him. He wants to resist their every attempt at making him say it until he’s being pounded into so hard that all he can see is stars; only then does he want it to slip out of him, so quietly that neither of them realise at first. Dewdrop wants that word to be the catalyst that makes Rain fuck into his painfully overstimulated cunt without mercy; he knows it turns Rain on just as much as it does for him, and he wants it to be brutal.

A sharp sting to his cheek startles him out of his thoughts. The impact forces his head to the side, and an involuntary whine leaves his lips. “Focus. For fuck’s sake, Dew. You need to listen when I’m speaking to you.” Rain rolls their eyes; it’s not lost on Dewdrop that from the moment they slapped him—and before that as well—Rain has begun chubbing up in their sleep pants. Dewdrop tries not to drool at the imagined sensation of their cock in his mouth; by the sound of Rain’s laugh, he’s unsuccessful.

They coo down at him. “Aww, baby boy… Do you want Daddy’s cock? You want Daddy to make you all fuzzy again?”

At Rain’s suggestion of letting him descend into subspace once again, Dewdrop goes slack; the fight drains completely out of him. He nods, loosely and paws weakly at Rain’s pants—Sathanas, he can already feel himself slipping, his brain becoming nothing more than a haze of fuzz—whining at them to let him have at their dick.

“Patience, darling boy. I’ll give you what you want soon enough.”

Rain pulls their cock out of their pants and tugs at it, slowly. Dewdrop watches helplessly as they coax beads of precum from the tip; they roll down the sides of Rain’s dick, glistening. Dewdrop wants to lick them clean. But as much as the fire ghoul loves Rain’s gentle side, there’s a part of him that wants to make them angry—to tease and taunt them into showing off the other side of his Daddy that Dewdrop knows is hidden somewhere in the water ghoul—and Dewdrop still has the tiniest amount of fight still in him somewhere, so…

“Get a move on, Rainy. Hurry up.”

Rain stills, their hand halfway up the shaft of their cock. “You want to repeat that?”

“I said, hurry up! This is getting boring.”  Dewdrop’s lying; he always is when he acts like this. In reality, he’s enraptured. He could stare at Rain’s cock all day if they’d let him. Watching pearls of precum dribble from the tip as they stroke themselves slowly is nothing short of intoxicating. Dewdrop wants to lave his tongue over every inch of their wonderful cock until his brain shuts off and every thought not about the water ghoul’s dick is deemed irrelevant.

“Fucking hells, Dewdrop. Shut up.” Rain reaches down and grabs him by the jaw, using their fingers to force it open—they both pretend that Dewdrop doesn’t willingly slack his jaw the moment Rain tells him to shut up; so much for his plan to get Rain to fuck the brat out of him, they barely had to do anything and the fight is already draining away. They get their free hand on the back of Dewdrop’s neck, pushing him forward on their cock and using their other hand to guide it until it’s fully hilted in the fire ghoul’s throat.

[nnyhil]

[@zbfrances gave me permission to write about their muses' death. Please don't attack me or Johnny. ;; Anyways, happy Ides of March!!]

He almost didn’t recognize the woman without her usual macabre make-up. Only when a knife was sinking into her gut did Johnny realize what he had done. “F-frances…?” His face softened from an insane grin to a small frown. He immediately removed the knife, but that only let more red liquid pour out from the wound. The public murder spree caused by some pointless comment came to a sudden halt. He watched as the woman sputtered up blood with a pained groan. Perhaps she was trying to say something. There was the fear and dread in her eye that Johnny never wanted to see.

He was covered head to toe with blood and gore. The chaos around them was crimson and loud; however, right now the noise faded in Johnny’s ears as he tried to focus on his dear friend. “What– what’re you doing here?” He asked with tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

A cough, then a weak reply. “...just tryna run…”

“I mean, before that! Before this!! Were you following me? Or… Or was this just a huge accident? A mistake…?” Panic and regret swirled into a knot in his chest. This time he didn’t get a response. Johnny held his friend and watched the color drain from her face. The life in her eyes was leaving rapidly. If he wanted her to hear something, he had to say it now. After all, hearing was the last thing to go. “I… I never wanted this to happen. Not to you! I tried to keep my distance! I did!! I promise this was never how I wanted things to end…” He wasn’t one for physical touch, but he couldn’t stop himself from pulling his dear friend into a bloody embrace. “I’m sorry…”

Frances went completely limp without a word. Johnny didn’t get any sort of closure. No ‘it’s okay’ or ‘I understand’. He didn’t deserve that sort of thing. He never did. Tears ran down his cheeks as he let her body fall to the ground like a rag doll. He was so focused on her he didn’t hear the large loud footsteps swiftly approach him.

All of a sudden he was violently grabbed by his thin shoulders and spun around. “What did you do to Frances?!” An angry muscular blonde man shouted in his face. “C-conrad…?” Was all Johnny could stutter out before the man grabbed and twisted his wrist to make him let go of his comically large knife. Then a fist slammed into his face and everything went black.

Johnny suddenly woke up with a start. He gasped for air. His body was covered in a cold layer of sweat. He glanced around rapidly to take in his new surroundings. He was in his car now. He looked down at himself. No blood. No gore. That must have been a dream– or a nightmare rather. Even so, he still felt the heartbreak of killing someone that definitely didn’t deserve it. Frances had been nothing but nice to him from the moment they met. “I gotta stop visiting that food truck…” He grumbled to himself. He didn’t want to risk his nightmare becoming reality. This is why he loathed sleep so much.

“And stop seeing that girl you like so much?” Reverend Meat chimed in from the passenger seat.

He immediately glared and scowled. What the hell was that ceramic piece of shit on to now? “I’m going to throw you out the window, into highway traffic, going 88 miles per hour.” Johnny hissed and threatened the cursed object.

Reverend Meat was not at all bothered by the threat. “If it will make you feel better, go ahead. You know you can’t get rid of me.”

[sinfcrged]

so a few random thoughts about fin that i was thinking about last night: the inherent power of her sect is to cleanse the dark side corruption from things. that could be people, places, objects - like with enough time one of them could go to dagobah and cleanse the tree / cave thing that luke was sent into to face his fears, or a weapon or artifact from the sith empire could be cleansed and made neutral again or a person who had been using the dark side could be cleansed of its influence.

this does not change the nature of the person, place or thing. it simply removes the influence that the dark side had on it. let's say, with kylo, who had seeds of corruption planted when he was a toddler that manifested throughout his life, it's not going to miraculously change his way of thinking or not make him angry or bitter or whatever. all the memories are still there, his emotions are still his, but whatever influence the dark side had on his reactions and emotions would be cleansed, the intrusive thoughts would be cleared, etc. he would have a clarity and be able to see what was an external pressure and influence and then be able to reevaluate his choices and decide what he wanted to do from there. it's still highly possible that he would continue to serve the dark side especially if his guilt and anguish over what he'd done made it easier or less painful to turn back to anger and what not. nothing about what she does prevents further dark side use or influence, it just clears away the haze / brain fog / whatever. (i'm thinking of it kind of like an alcohol or drug addiction - once someone isn't using anymore and are faced with the consequences of what they did under the influence can sometime lead them to go back to using because they simply can't face the reality of those past actions and memories.) her abilities simply purge the toxic influence. what happens after that is on them.

also, it's something that requires some sort of physical contact with the person, place or thing. she has to be holding the object, touching the corrupted place or person. they learn to consciously make the connection and drain the corruption into themselves as they progress in their training. however, if they are extremely weakened, if they've been injured, or tortured, or are in extreme emotional turmoil, it is something that can be triggered without their conscious choice. this is something that was used against them in the days of the sith empire (tor era) where one sith would capture them, torture them until they were too weak to control their power and then force them to come into contact with another sith etc. to drain the dark side corruption (and therefore the powers that went with the 'dark side points accumulated) from that sith's enemy to weaken them, and then kill the sith and the witch.

the coven / sect was nearly wiped out during the old republic era. having once spread across a corner of the galaxy, perhaps in the thousands, they might number a hundred now. they exist in one world, imagine the night sisters except not dark side users. they are in the far reaches of the outer rim and generally only the non force users have any contact with other inhabitants of the world or leave the world to get supplies or equipment etc.

they have other force abilities that range from foresight to healing to whatever, the full gambit of the light side powers. they do train their members in how to fight and how to use a lightsaber or force pike or whatever weapon of choice but rarely face actual conflict as they are hidden away from the galaxy most of the time. (fin herself doesn't carry any force weapon as she believes it would just put her at a greater risk of discovery; she does have a saber on her ship but doesn't like to use it.)

( fin can do the force push, force jump/enhance her agility and strength, can communicate with animals and can force heal and has some minor abilities in the 'jedi mind trick'. she tends to rely on talking her way out of a situation or running away first chance she gets rather than outright combat. )

the more corruption they have absorbed, the harder it is for them to access their light side abilities. they can be influenced by the dark side corruption they absorb and this is one of the reasons that fin is at more risk of falling to the dark side now that she travels on her own because it takes a lot of mental fortitude and spiritual clarity to remain focused in purging the dark side and not being consumed by it. the more she consumes, the harder it is to maintain that control and she does not have a counter point or partner to keep her from losing herself in the darkness.

mood and mental state are affected by the absorption of the dark side energies.

like the classic sin eater, she doesn't just absorb the energy, but the memories that go with it. she will see, feel, experience the things that were done by the dark side force user when that corruption was in them. it can be extremely traumatizing.

she has nightmares.

she relies heavily on meditation to quiet those memories and does her best to not like those memories affect her in her waking hours. it doesn't always work.

(this was something else that was used as a torture device with the sith during the old republic days to break down the spirits and control of the sin eaters to be able to use their power for the sith's own gain)

---more to come probably.

[shesallalone]

Rant I wrote directed towards my mom because I can’t talk to her about it or it will turn into a massive fight, posting it here for therapeutic reasons

11-10-24

I relapsed and she let me and they watched and they turned a blind eye and I begged for there help and i told them I was sick and the things they said hurt and they yelled at me, told me I was a miserable person and that it’s my fault and I just wanted someone to sit with me and talk with me and now I want to get better but they do have the power over me because I love them and the things they say matter and if they didn’t i wouldn’t care for them because that’s just me and how I love. There’s no fixing that, there’s nothing broken about that any more then the way I like to paint or my favorite pair of shoes. Why is it only personality when it’s benefiting their environment, and it’s disease when they can’t find the way to live with me, love me when they don’t understand me.

I understand them. I try too. I feel guilt when I hurt them and listen. I don’t butcher their words. I beat myself up over things I say and actions I regret and I know I’m not a perfect person . But im told to stay quiet and let my emotions overtake me. That’s what I use to do. That was how I lived for so long that all those pent up emotions twisted inside me until my brown was able to convince me I’d not deserved to speak. That if I did anything for myself even eat or shower or buy a shirt that I would need to be punished.

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

Why don’t they love me?

Why can’t they see me? I am so deeply sunken in my own love hope to give and it burns me and my skin and my lungs.

I’m not my sickness i am not my worst days but I will become that if all I’m shown is how disappointed they all are by me .

I’m not strong enough to give anymore to this

I am too strong to surrender to the environment and too weak to leave.

I’m sorry please come out and sit with me on the couch and tell me it’s going to be okay.

Please don’t say the words I’ve told you trigger my panic attacks because you have a moment of overstimulation

And please don’t be mad at me for feeling this way anymore. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy but it hurts I understand you i promise and I don’t want you to feel the way you do. I just want to feel proud of my self for something but I can’t. Nothing to me will ever be good enough for me and I think I got that disappointed from you. Please I don’t want to be here on my own anymore. But I can’t trust someone who will love me 1 second and then trigger my relapse the next.

Please please please please please I’m in so much pain please I every day I want to be happy. It’s not about roles or age or anything. We both only have one life please can we comprise so I don’t lose mine because my chest hurts all the time, my teeth are gritted down and soft and my bodies covered in scratches from my own nails I don’t remember giving myself. I can’t go back to 2022 i need you to help me though this I am sorry I know you’re tired and angry at your mother just like me. but I can’t go back 2021 either as much as I want to. No one misses her more then I do although you know it’s hard to believe because you say I’m the only one who has the power to change that, I don’t have that power, I’m drained from the fighting mom please.

I want to eat so bad but I can’t because my body won’t get off the couch and I need to wash it off but it will feel like today is over if I stand before you tell me everything is okay, but the harsh reality is today is over because you’re fast asleep and I need to be at work for my 12 hour shift in 4 hours, no food and no rest and my skin is oily and smells.

Why did I have to grow up?

Why am I so scared to let new people in?

Maybe then I wouldn’t be alone right now. I’d be clean and careless, tucked in my bed with food in my stomach, Ollie curled by my feet. I’d be happy to wake up instead of the dread in my stomach that I know there will have to be morning, who will skip lunch? Who will skip school? Will the dogs be fed? Will I have a ride home? I stumble at work and I make a mistake and I look stupid again. No one thinks I’m capable and I let them condescend me because it wasn’t correct although I knew how to do it.

I don’t know if they actually think I’m stupid or it’s in my head. I go back and forth on what I’ve heard

Mom please stop hurting me. I don’t cry and question to hurt you. I will give you whatever you want. I can’t not worry about other people it’s just how I am please accept me instead of resenting me and then telling me that’s not who I am

It is mom please If it’s not I don’t know who I am and it’s scary and I’m unprepared for living

Because how am I suppose to find a career a partner move out anything if you are telling me these feelings, the way I move the way I love is incorrect, it’s fake, it’s part of my illness when I know what changed after I got sick and I know what parts of me stayed the same just got more verbal and these have been here for a while. I just figured I’d lose them once I grew up. I thought you hated them because they were childish, but it’s not my Childishness. It’s my love, my sense of justice my empathy and you despise me mom I’m sorry if you could understand these are real instead of avoiding them maybe you’ll finally see me and we can be happy

I’m sick of begging for you to love me mom and I know you think you do but ive been happy with you but I’ve never felt loved a full day in my life. And if I told you this right now you’d call me selfish , but I’m not asking you to change, just to stop asking me too. Please. I want you to love me as much as you love my sisters. I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me mom please I’m not making this up it’s how I feel I’m sorry I’m difficult and I’m sorry I got sick so many times in so many ways and it was scary and stressful and I’m sorry I burnt you out and you had to do all those things to help me. Please don’t resent me I’ll do what ever I can.

Please don’t ask me to do things that will cause me to relapse

I hope I’m not still like this in the morning

Please just believe me, please don’t be angry please please please

[fnattik]

********,

in all honesty. If I can be 100% real and genuine with you, no disrespect whatsoever. If you maybe feel like our chapter is closed , don’t feel forced to crumb feed me with replies. It sucks more to pretend you feel me, at this point in my life I’m able to mentally handle loss. So just like every other time we talked I want the real , you know I never wanted us walking on eggshells around each other you feel me? ion want nobody feeling forced to communicate with me. It’s fine if you moved on in a general sense , maybe you’re just seeking out different things in life you kno. Just for my own personal peace, I like to know who with me and who just not. So I can share my energy accordingly, where it’s reciprocated. It ain’t no hard feelings from me , I ain’t that type of person. I never been that type of person. I just want people I can share positive experiences with until my time here in this plane is up and I feel I’ve done that for you, I hope I did at least. I wasn’t a good person, a good friend, or anything when we first met but I hope overtime you were able to see that at my core I am extremely genuine, honest, caring, kind and loving. You reminded me that not everyone is out to get me, not everyone is out to hurt me. That genuinely GOOD people still exist in this world. I pray the harsh realities of this world never dim your light because you shine so bright. You’re so divinely protected. It bleeds through you.

I was tainted and hurting and angry at the world; at myself at the time. I hated everything, but you. I’m sorry for anything that I’ve ever done wrong to you. I was trapped in the cycle and chains of alcoholism, drug addiction and abuse, severe depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD and a multitude of other issues. I wish I met you before , I told you a million times I wish I met you before I got so fucked up. Now, I can say I hope I meet you again. I hope I can love you again. I won’t wait , but it’ll always be in the back of my mind— hoping you’ll come back to me. I loved you with all my heart even when my addictions and trauma drained all the love out of my body, I still wanted to find some way to try and love you. I pray you aren’t the one that got away. I’ll never forgive myself for that. ********, you are the love of my life. I may never stop loving you the way I do. I’ll never forget you. You’ll always cross my mind. I’ll always think of the son we made up. I’ll always think of how fucking nervous you made me. I’ll always think of you calling me your cootie but never feeling like it was corny or cheesy. I’ll always think of how soft and gentle you are. I’ll always think of how when I would cry , you would cry twice and never make me feel weak for feeling that emotion. I’ll always think of how I felt like God itself gave you to me. How we met was not a coincidence, nothing in life is.

I’ll always think.

I’ll always think of you.

I’ll always love you.

Forever and always.

[damnedmisery]

【•⊱ 𝐌 𝐈 𝐒 𝐄 𝐑 𝐘 𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 •⊱】

Losing someone I love feels like slow suffocation, each moment feeling like the air is being drained from my lungs.

There is only one question that keeps crossing my mind. Nicholas. . .

How can I survive without you? Breathing is impossible without you. When will this charade I maintain falter? I’m unable to endure my father's tarnishing of your memory. I don’t think I can bite my tongue much longer.

The sound of Malik's (@/AtroceBlasonate) voice jolts me back to the distressing reality where my father was choking me, and Malik had to intervene. He left like it was nothing, but his touch still sears my skin.

“Melina, are you okay?”

Malik extends his hand to console me, but I brush it off, angry at his display of pity. I think it was unnecessary, and I didn't need his sympathy.

“Don’t! Stop acting like you care when you just stand by and watch him do it!” I started to storm away from him but he grabbed my forearm to halt my departure, and I'm now tugging away futilely. “I watched him do it?!” If I'm not mistaken, he seemed offended by my choice of words. “He let go of you because of me, and you don't even want to know what I would have done if he hadn't!”

I could see it in his eyes that he meant it, but my own rage blinded me and led me to have a spiteful tongue. “Should I want to know what you would've done before or after being his good dog for treats?” There is nothing we enjoyed more than getting under one another’s skin at the worst time. “I mean…I am his blood, and you can see how he treats me. Imagine how he will treat you, and you're not even his son. Will your pathetic mother care enough to stop him or will she turn a blind eye to another shopping spree at your expense?” Despite my attempt to provoke him, he remained unfazed and responded by laughing and then placing his hand on his chest in a mock gesture of injury. “Oh, peach. Your age is no longer compatible with these childish tantrums.” He finally released his grip on my arm and headed towards the door, but I could tell he had one last thing to say before leaving. I have a feeling this will be Malik's grand finale.

“𝙈𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙩𝙞𝙘!Nicholas exploited your emptiness and desperation, using false affection to hide his true intentions.”

A heavy silence descended after his words, leaving my heart dropping inside my stomach.

This wouldn't be the first time I heard someone try to destroy his character and make me question everything we were. Malik aim was to hurt me and I’d be lying if I said he didn’t. How could I even respond to that? It's clear that I've lost this battle. I feel cursed with this family. If I could trade my life with anyone I would because this is not a life worth fighting for. “I’d watch myself if I were you because you know me. I don’t give a fuck, peach.“ his final words before he exited the room and left me to my emotions. I bet he’s hoping I choke on them. This entire family seems to gain some kind of weird fucked up confidence by kicking me down. My father wants me to walk out this room and pretend like I didn’t watch the love of my life die right before my eyes. What do I gain from following his rules if not more disrespect?

He desires to see me weak, pathetic, and compliant, but I refuse to succumb to either. Something within me is slowly emerging, despite my fears. It's time I unleash it and let it raise hell. If tonight means everything to my father then I will do everything in my power to destroy it.

I took one final look in the mirror, admiring my flawless reflection, before leaving the room and heading downstairs to the dinner. The silence was deafening, with my heels clicking on the marble floor, drawing attention to the somber atmosphere. The sadness etched on everyone's faces is unmistakable, making it clear that being here under these circumstances is sheer torture. I sit down at the table, opposite Nicholas's older brother Nolan, who looks up at me with a glare, clearly displeased by me being last at the table. The nerve of him and his family to look at me this way as if they have nothing to be ashamed of. Using Nicholas name as a way to start a treaty and discuss business moving forward. We are all guilty of something, aren’t we?

“Forgive my daughter. She doesn’t take this easy but she’s sincerely sorry.” My father attempted to ease the tension, but I wasn't going to let him off easy. “You don’t speak for me.” I said, reaching for the glass of wine in front of me. Nolan glances at my father then back at me, and I can already tell he doesn't have anything pleasant to say. “Nicholas was my brother, and we are not taking this easy. Despite our grief, we managed to be on time. Nicholas deserves some fucking respect.” That was one thing we could agree on. Nicholas deserves respect. However, I was done holding my tongue and taking everyone’s shit. I rolled over time and again, silencing my thoughts to not shake everyone's world, but they lived in a bubble that I had to pop, starting with my father.

“Then why are you at this fucking table?” I looked around, unable to bear their sorrowful expressions. I recognize they're in agony, but could they imagine how I felt? I watched him die! Am I in so much pain that I'm losing it, or is everyone else being inconsiderate?

“Your families hatred towards my family is the same hatred that was birthed in him and he died with it in his bones. He’s probably rolling in his grave.” My final words were as good as a match to a fire, but only silence followed. How it should’ve been if Nolan and my father just let things be.

I turn towards Malik, whose lips curl into a half smirk as if he's proud of me. I'm irritated that I seek his validation when he's also caused my anger. He made me feel stronger and more secure in my actions, even if I was also wrong it didn’t matter.

As for my father. I knew this wouldn’t be the end of this.

•••

to be continued

•••

[stars-tonight]

if you would like a long or short matchup (short will take less time and will only include the character; long will probably include a few headcanons)

Long please!!

1. if you would like a platonic (like friends) or romantic (couple) matchup

1. Romantic please!

2. gender / pronouns

1. Female, she/her/hers

3. if you would like to be paired with a girl or guy

1. Guy please :)

4. your ideal partner (at least three traits)

1. My ideal partner would love me the way that I love them. I think when people say to couples “oh the way he just looks at you you can tell he’s head over heels” is the sweetest thing ever. I would need someone to be understanding and patient with me, I tend to be more introverted, and am prone to forgetting super important things a lot. (Birthdays, answering texts, first day of work, even forgot what day my mom went in for a big surgery-) I also need someone that I can goof off with, and I don’t feel judged by. So the simple answer, someone who is kind, funny, gives me heart eyes on occasion, and incredibly patient.

5. a description of yourself (at least three traits)

1. I am like a little ball of anxiety but people say I don’t show it much. In reality I’m at home, not allowing myself to drink caffeine and meditating, journaling or doing yoga just to get my brain to be quiet. I overthink a lot, and also forget things pretty often too. I am pretty introverted, my battery drains quickly when I’m somewhere new and don’t know anyone. However, I’ve been told I am very patient, sweet and kind with others. I am my own harshest critic, and will work myself beyond burnout if someone doesn’t stop me. I am caring, and have been told I tend to be the mom friend in the sense that I give good advice. I also am heavy on the routine aspect, and hate getting knocked out of it. If anything goes wrong I tend to try to go with the flow, but that requires me to have a quiet minute to myself to breathe properly and hype myself up.

6. hobbies (let’s aim for at least two?)

1. Reading

1. I tend to gravitate towards romance books, hence the hopeless romantic in me coming out

2. I also like memoirs as well

2. Playing my switch

1. Most games I play are similar to animal crossing or stardew valley with no end goal

2. I do like breath of the wild and tears of the kingdom, I’ll play games with stories it’s just hard for me because I’m so exhausted all the time :”)

3. Does watching tv/movies count?

4. Cooking (not as good at baking but I love sweet treats)

7. your love languages (giving and receiving)

1. Giving - words of affirmation and acts of service

2. Receiving - quality time and words of affirmation

8. anything else you want to include (the more detail the better!)

1. I am pretty average height with short brown hair and brown eyes. I am currently going to grad school at night, working at a daycare during the day, and am soon getting a job on weekends so I’m just tired 24/7. However, the grad school is to become a teacher one day, and the daycare tends to remind me why I’m doing all of this, just seeing the kids smile makes me so happy. I love helping other people out, and am a huge people pleaser. I tend to stress myself out more than anything else, and have talked myself into freaking out over something small. I cry at almost everything, happy tears, sad tears, angry tears, but never in public, I hold it until I’m alone most times. I love to workout but I haven’t had the energy as of lately, even if I am known for having a high amount of energy, having things to take care of 24/7 with no break really wears you out. I love to hype people up, and put smiles on peoples faces, even if they’re not always nice to me I kill people with kindness. (I am well known for also being able to be fake to the right people to get myself places, but hate doing it)

headcanons

🥛 yamaguchi gives heart eyes for sure

🥛 even before the relationship starts

🥛 he'll be looking at you from across the room, head propped up on hand, dreamy smile, the whole deal

🥛 tsukishima will have to elbow him to get him to pay attention to anything

🥛 yamaguchi also strikes me as patient

🥛 has to put up with tsukishima after all

🥛 your biggest quiet hypeman

🥛 isn't the type to do big gestures in public

🥛 but when you're at home or it's just the two of you he'll give you a really nice pep talk

🥛 he wears his heart on his sleeve and as a result is great with words

🥛 always knows how to cheer you up, whether it's with words or time spent together

🥛 likes more chill dates or hangouts

🥛 loves reading together, watching shows, or cooking

🥛 will sometimes play video games with you although he's not obsessed with them

🥛 yamaguchi can sometimes also be a ball of anxious energy so he needs someone to calm him down

🥛 just hearing your voice as you talk to him makes him feel better though

🥛 is very pleasantly surprised by anything you do for him

🥛 100% gushes about you to the whole karasuno team

🥛 post-timeskip, he's in school

🥛 will call you every night and chat for hours

🥛 whenever he's on break he is RUNNING back to you

🥛 misses you so much whenever he's away

🥛 because he's also in school, he knows how stressful student life can be

🥛 although he can't imagine how much is on your plate since you do so much during the day too

🥛 always reminds you to take it easy

🥛 if he senses that you're feeling more stressed out than usual, he'll go out of his way to send you encouraging messages

🥛 if he's on break for school and has to go back, and he knows you're having a tough time, he'll probably set up something like a little treasure hunt for you

🥛 every "treasure" is a note from him with a super sweet message like "i love your smile when you're working with the kids"

runner up for you was akaashi keiji!

A/N: there you go, i hope you liked it! a reminder to take a break if you need it! i know it can be hard but make sure you eat, drink water, get some sunshine! hope you feel better soon 🫶

[ruminate88]

Ranting on this “healing journal” 😑❤️‍🩹

Everywhere I turn it screams “you need therapy” and I KNOW that’s not gonna happen. My family won’t understand it and they’ll say I’m fine. My husband won’t understand at all maybe I’m wrong but he stresses about money but not as bad as my exes and my husband doesn’t withhold me from my needs but he does stress about money. He was stressing that my tooth getting pulled yesterday was so expensive BUT he still let me go through with it and made sure I got my medicine afterwards. (Although I felt bad about it)

I have tried to express before to my husband before I don’t want ANY MORE STRESS. Andrew dumped so much stress on me and put me in a constant “emotionally anxious and draining” state of mind. I was constantly being disappointed at Andrew’s behavior and choices. Always on edge wondering when he’s gonna “love me” or “ignore me”. It was awful. Worse place to be in and yet my brain won’t stop ruminating the relationship and questioning every single part of it.

I have tried to privately do my own healing and understanding. I’ve even done devotionals about emotional abuse. Watched so many videos, read blogs and have spent so much quiet time alone this past year just trying to help myself really get a grip and stay grounded in reality. This all sucks so much. Every time I think I get another breakthrough or make a new discovery about myself and the past, then BOOM I feel lost all over again. I can’t stop feeling Andrew’s energy and thinking he’s forever stuck in my head. Not just him, but pieces of Cody and of course Jake!!! (I don’t wanna talk about Jake cuz it’s torture. Jake was awful to me!!)

every where I try to turn, it says “consider seeking a therapist”…. I mean, I don’t personally know anyone in my circle who would consider therapy. So I feel like “I should be handling this better on my own.” I have done my best with what knowledge I have. I’ve experienced all these stages of trauma bond and grief. I’ve slowly opened to my mom in law and shared only a small portion!!

there’s this part of me that’s like “you gotta forgive your exes and let them go. You can’t keep thinking about them and talking about them.” OKAY, but my brain has moments of peace and being in the present then BOOOM intrusive thoughts, flashbacks of conversations with Andrew or selfies pop in my head and my heart aches from the pain as my brain begins to replay these moments over and over and over….

THEN because I’m a whole wife to someone else, I feel sooooo horrible like I’m cheating. I tell myself you’re hurting your new man that it isn’t fair to him if I obsess the past and I feel guilty for even having a past before I met my husband. If only I could have just met him and never knew Andrew but this small and strange part of me loved Andrew so then I feel sad and angry. I get tempted to Google Andrew and I don’t!!! I make sure I stay away from him cuz he can only harm me.

I made myself take a break from TikTok cuz it was only tempting me more. All these crazy videos saying “your ex is stalking you” and “your ex is manifesting you back into their life” then I would ruminate even more wondering if things could be “different, worse or same with Andrew” do I even want him back because literally he put me through hell then I ask myself “was it really hell or are you over-exaggerating his words to you and behavior?” Everyone get their feelings hurt at some point in life, no one is perfect and everyone has pain and troubles. I can’t be the only one in this world with past experiences that weren’t great.

Then there’s that word “trauma”. What does it mean to me, how bad is it and why does it feel like something I struggle to overcome? I feel like certain things hold me back and my brain keeps scanning through the past trying to figure out what’s wrong. What’s happened to me??? An uncle saw me for the 1st time last weekend after it’s been months and he sees I’m down to 100 lbs and he’s like “oh wow you’re too thin. Are you eating ???” Like yeah, I’m eating whatever I want to but yeah, I’ve had stomach issues and can’t always eat without trouble digesting but I’ve done better since Easter. It’s not on purpose and it’s not a topic I wanna dwell on. It’s too upsetting. You don’t want people to think you’re a cry baby or crazy!! So you just act like “oh yeah, I’m fine. Nothing is wrong.” 😭😭😭

I mean, I’m safe now. I’m far away from Andrew and I blocked his number. I shouldn’t be upset anymore but something deep inside me is screaming “this sucks!!!!!!!!” It’s this deep feeling of sadness and pain. A deep wound trying to heal and idk if that’s all it is, is it more?? I can’t remember every conversation Andrew and I shared. Some things were very very foggy and confusing!!!!!! Not just him though, Cody which I’ve worked hard to get over Cody but then Jake… I repress Jake and hold him in cuz I wasn’t even attracted to him!! I never had like “feelings for Jake” but I tried to be nice to him and not bother him so much but often I liked the crazy attention he gave me. There were small moments of praise and obsession towards me from him but there was mostly criticism on every corner!!!

I want to forgive Jake too and release his negative energy but I haven’t wanted to truly, truly, confront him or remember things from him. I’ve been mostly focused on Andrew cuz I had the most feelings for him and thought he could be “the one.” I truly idealized him and our relationship. I romanticized it and made it more than it was 💔😭 accepting that has been a whole thing that’s painful but I know I HAVE to. Andrew will never love me and the person I believed he was, is NOT HIM. He’s some stranger who used my nudes for over a year. He talked to me like a dog, isolated me on holidays, cheated and lied the whole time. Pretending to build dreams with me. Pretended to care about me and said “you are so precious to me” WHO SAYS THAT????

😝😝😝 I’m trying to have compassion on myself and “be a big girl” trying to get over this cuz it’s like “oh gosh so much time has went by. How couid you possibly still think of Andrew??” And I feel shameful. I feel like a really bad woman. I feel a longing for him and think I see him or his name alllllll the time and have for years. His selfies on his profiles had him in front of his car and I stared at him so much, I burnt that car into my brain 😜😂 and I always think I see it on the highway driving next to me and I’ve even dreamt before I’m in a parkinglot searching for his “car.” The AI chatbot says I am just seeking out closure… why don’t I already have closure??? Clearly Andrew doesn’t love me and isn’t coming back. I don’t want him to cuz I don’t trust myself or him. I know he doesn’t care about me. I have a good husband that seems faithful to me although he’s either working or playing video games. I’m too scared to demand change cuz none of my exes ever changed. Why would anyone change for me or want to be with me??? Ugh 😑 ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 So I just vibe by myself and keep a distance from everything and everyone. Just listen to music cuz that’s where I’ve always felt safe was in music. At least song lyrics are honest with me.

[notwaldenpond]

wendyskies​:

wendy never really felt at ease in this old haunted house unless damocles was with her. winnie was erratic on her best days and volatile on her worst, and enes made the hair on her arms stand up straight; not to mention there was always the possibility of running into the baby. however, the idea of suddenly stumbling into a more immediate threat while getting some air had not really been a consideration.

so the sight of a large, bloodied man in a rage directed at her was immediately disorienting. there was a flash of panic. memory mingled with reality, and wendy swallowed a squeak. both arms raised to protect her face. there was always something worse about when people knew, when they could see it. tears wet her cheek before she realized that she was crying.

a limb off a nearby tree disintegrated entirely into nothing but mist. still wendy didn’t say anything.

--

All of the rage and frustration drained out Walden as Wendy’s hands flew to cover her face, and he went pale. Oh god. He knew that look. She had assumed he was going to hit her.

“Shit, shit fuck I’m sorry.” He wanted to move towards her but his hands were still bloody and that wasn’t going to help at all was it? Shit, Walden didn’t want her to be scared of him. Hastily he wiped his hands on his pants and took a step back to give her more space.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting it to be you, I’m sorry.” He hadn’t apologized this much since he was 10. “The others, they’re kind of used to— well, to me but I — I won’t hurt you, I’d never hurt you, I promise. I’ve got— sometimes I’m just so angry and if I don’t do something it’ll eat me alive but I swear I’d never— I would never hurt you. I wouldn’t. I’d never.”

--