#I want to point out I haven't read the book
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this is entirely unprompted on your end, but i love your darcy and faramir takes and wanted to get your opinion on aragorn/faramir as a ship.
i'm salivating over it and nobody. cares. but i just love how it can show the possibilities of book faramir being a "threat" to aragorn's kingship in a way that nobody else is...how they can relate through their shared ancestry but the entirely different ways it impacted them in their respective lives - something about aragorn being the heir of isildur, growing up surrounded by elves, arnor. something about faramir being distinctly aware of the legacy of the stewards, his numenorean heritage and how it's fading away in the world of men, gondor (my fav world in lotr, you are so under-appreciated, gondor.) i personally adhere to the stewards-were-most-likely-also-royalty headcanon because of that extra juicy tension. throw in the i-knew-your-father-as-a-young-man aspect, the whole steward-quite-literally-serving-in-wait-of-the-true-king aspect? it's everything.
i dunno. the natural cause and effect of "return of the king" & "departure of the steward" is so interesting to play with in a romantic context, especially if it keeps both of them in the limelight when naturally, it should only be one of them? i think it's the aragorn ship that pushes his character and ambition the most, and in the same way, it can push faramir to show more machiavellian traits, more of him utilizing his political power and/or personal strengths. especially since his canonical fate is extremely satisfying but also...very conclusively an *ending* if that makes sense.
i might just want to see faramir clashing with aragorn wanting to wage more war. let him cook! let the man speak about "queen among other queens: not a mistress of many slaves"!!!!
also must admit that it's my contrarian ass wanting to rebel against the fanon "aragorn never ever wanted to be king" + "faramir is a pathetic meow meow" headcanons. the existing faramir x aragorn fics i've read all adhere to it which is frustrating.
anyways, any thoughts on this ship i randomly latched on to?
Anon, this is my #1 Tolkien ship and actually one of the only m/m ships I've ever been super into. I used to guiltily sneak-read Aragorn/Faramir as a teenager because I grew up in a conservative community and hadn't come to terms with my own queerness at the time, and was still figuring out how to get by in that community just as a Democrat, much less a lesbian.
Anyway, I got a huge kick out of your ask because it's basically point-for-point my own feelings about them. If you haven't seen it, I even wrote a ship manifesto for them over ten years ago.
And unfortunately I do also agree that the (very PJ film-inflected) fanons around both characters have made it very difficult to find fic for the ship that isn't deeply OOC for the original versions of the characters (tbh the last time I looked, it was hard enough to even find F/A fics where Faramir had black hair, much less his deeper canon characteristics). Add in the fanon depictions of Gondor and the Stewardship, and a lot of what appeals about the pairing is lost for me. I read some good ones a longggg time ago, but wouldn't begin to know where to find them now.
(I know I should be the change I want to see and write some myself, but apart from the AU f/f and m/f/f versions, I think the closest I ever came to it was this post about a mostly-the-same-as-LOTR AU only with Faramir/Aragorn and this feeling explosion about "Faramir actually does accepts the dream-visions obviously intending him to be the one going to Rivendell but also it's Faramir/Aragorn.")
And if you haven't found it yet, my ship tag is #otp: love was kindled.
I hope you enjoy <3
#even i was starting to wonder if i somehow ghostwrote this to myself in a different style while sleepwalking or something.#but no there are two of us! good luck anon and thank you for the message! it's a rough week in casa anghraine and it was a nice respite#anon replies#respuestas#long post#legendarium blogging#otp: love was kindled#faramir#aragorn#pj critical#(mostly implicitly but iykyk)#fic talk#faramir goes to rivendell au#aramir au#faragorn is probably a better shipname but is very reminiscent of fangorn lol#legendarium fanwank
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everyone's insights and takes on house of the dragon season 2 finale are intriguing, off-putting, and humorous. there are parts of the finale I did not like and there are scenes I loved. for a majority of the episode though it was in distaste due to the script writing connections back to game of thrones trying to link the prequel to it over and over as well as the whole vision scene and those character's now knowing their fates in the dance. I am a Rhaenyra supporter. even though most of us know her fate, I am hoping she can have time for happiness in the position she is in, no matter how little. this show is still something I'm going to want to watch since I want to know how the writers will portray the rest of the story and the cast does such an amazing job acting as these characters. here's to waiting not too too long to season 3 (。•́︿•̀。)
#house of the dragon#rhaenyra targaryen#dance of the dragons#daemon targaryen#game of thrones#season finale#I want to point out I haven't read the book#I watched a youtube video that gave spoilers when game of thrones was still airing#Rhaenyra The Realm's Delight#My Queen#as much as I wish all the character's could live happily we're going to see a war and the deaths of more in this family#poor dragons :(#the scenes that upset me btw were alicent magically appearing in quickness to plead with rhaenyra for freedom after all the shit she did#the other scene was ugh the whole winter is coming line like wtf jsndjd let it go god dam 🦫#it's only cool when a stark says winter is coming#Daemon you're still a badass even if you're a traumatized one kdjdjdjd#okay waiting till season 3 bye
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Apologies
#shadowpeach#six eared macaque#sun wukong#lmk#lego monkie kid#monkey king#liu'er mihou#I just think it'd be neat if they apologized to each other and then cried and hugged about it#(cuz on god they both have some shit they should get off their chests and own up to)#like holy blue hells they're both just like “I think i shall spend my immortal life ruminating on my greatest regret and letting it fester”#everytime i watch the scene where Macaque is like:#“its good to talk about feelings! obv i don't do it”#i turn into the hands on hips guy meme#DUDE GO TO THERAPY#wukong too lets be real#been reading jttw the west (haven't actually gotten to where SEM shows up in the book yet tho)#and i think that if therapy existed back then tripitaka and sha wujing would've been gently but firmly#herding wukong into the local therapist's waiting room in as many towns they pass as possible#he'd probly grab the door frame and have to be literally pried off#these hypothetical ancient-chinese therapists all have claw marks on the hallways and doors going into their offices#hey how about an au where shadowpeach get therapists who end up getting all the monkey drama news first#and end up on the business-rivals-to-drinking-buddies pipeline#stopped while drawing this like “hey why'd i make mac be touching wukong's face in both sketches?”#and then i remembered that between the two mac's the one who wants to be something to the other#to the point of desperation#its like if they're both cats who got coned swk is the one who sits there miserably accepting his fate#while mac is that one video of the tuxedo cat shrieking and trying to paw it off#i'd read the hell out of a fic where they end up swapping attitudes about their dynamic#in canon wukong's the one who seems like he would like to never see mac again (at times) even tho he really regrets it and it hurts#like mac just gives up on trying to convince himself he can make swk see him as a significant part of his life again
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anyone interested in talking about the iconic 2000's middle-grade-bordering-on-ya book series gallagher girls??
#okay incoming rant about this series#i read the first book when i was 10 or 11 and i was absolutely obssessed with it. i read it so many times i had the entire story memorized#the issue was that i could not find the rest of the series anywhere. it was either sold out or out of stock#and then i found out that only the first 3 books had been translated into my first language so at that point i kinda gave up on them#anyway#flashforward to a couple of weeks ago#i was re organizing my bookshelf and on the back i found LYKY (is this how y'all are abreviating it??)#and remembred how much i loved it#and since i'm now fluent in english and was stuck at home recovering from a surgery i decided to download the entire series and read it#to find out what the fuck happened afterwards#long story short i read all six books in 4 or 5 days#and i haven't stopped thinking about them since#it's actually so funny how little information we have in the first book#i went all of these years thinking it was mostly a silly series about a boarding school for spies when actually SO MUCH happens afterwards#i can't believe i went all of these years unaware of zach goode's existence#truly character of all time#but also i can't stop thinking about how interesting it would have been if zach had come to hate the circle and his mom during the series#rather than before#make it a true enemies to lovers#and have us witness that portion of his character developement in real time instead of being told about it#like him slowly realizing through cammie and his time at gallagher that maybe what they were doing is wrong#i think it would have been very interesting to read#although let's be real it took me until halfway through book four to trust him and he was fully one of the good guys so..#but yeah i have a lot more to say but these tags are long enough#gallagher girls#okay i just want to add another funny anecdote about my experience with this series#my copy of LYKY has an age warning in the back recomending that readers should be above 13 yo to read it#and i distinctly remember finishing it and thinking the warning was kind of dumb bcs besides a few mentions of death and other heavier topi#nothing really happened#and now i realize it was a warning for the rest of the series not just the first book because jesus fucking chirst everything after
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The role of Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual in the characterisation, symbolism, and themes of Wolf 359
TL;DR: The DSSPPM is used as a tool to help establish and develop Minkowski and Eiffel as characters: Minkowski as a strict Commander who clings to the certainty provided by a rigid source of authority like the DSSPPM, and Eiffel as the anti-authority slacker who strongly objects to the idea that he ought to read the manual. The way their contrasting attitudes towards the DSSPPM manifest through the show reflect their character development and changing dynamic. The DSSPPM can be directly used against the protagonists by those with power over them, and the reveal of its authorship gives a particularly sinister edge to its regular presence in the show. But it can be also be repurposed and seen through an individual interpersonal lens.
Note: There’s plenty that you could say about the DSSPPM through the lens of what it says about Goddard Futuristics as an organisation, or about Pryce and Cutter as people. Or you could talk about Lambert quoting the DSSPPM an absurd number of times in Change of Mind, and Lovelace’s reactions to this. But in this essay, I’ll be analysing on mentions of the DSSPPM with a focus on Minkowski, Eiffel, and their dynamic.
“One of those mandatory mission training things”: the DSSPPM as a tool to establish characterisation
The first mention of Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual (the DSSPPM) in Wolf 359 is also the very first interaction we hear Eiffel and Minkowski have. In fact, the first time we hear Minkowski's voice at all is her telling Eiffel off for not having read the manual:
[Ep1 Succulent Rat-Killing Tar] MINKOWSKI Eiffel, did you read your copy of Pryce and Carter? EIFFEL My copy of what? MINKOWSKI Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual. EIFFEL Was that one of those mandatory mission training things? MINKOWSKI Yes. EIFFEL In that case, yes, I definitely did. MINKOWSKI Did you now? Because I happened to find your copy of the D.S.S.P.P.M. floating in the observation deck. EIFFEL Oh? MINKOWSKI Still in its plastic wrapping.
This is an effective way to establish their conflicting personalities right out of the gate. Minkowski's determination to "do things by the book - this book in fact" contrasts clearly with Eiffel's professed ignorance about and clear disregard for "this... Jimmy Carter thing”. Purely through their attitudes to this one book, they slot easily into clear archetypes which inevitably clash. Everything about Eiffel in that opening episode sets him up as a slacker who doesn't care about authority, but the image of his mandatory mission training manual floating in the observation deck "still in its plastic wrapping" provides a particularly striking illustration.
By contrast, we immediately encounter Minkowski as a strict leader who cares deeply about making sure everything is done according to protocol; the intense importance she places on the DSSPPM is one of the very first things we know about her. Her insistence on the importance of the survival manual might seem somewhat understandable at first, if perhaps unhelpfully aggressive, but it starts to feel less sensible as soon as we start to hear some of the tips from this manual:
Deep Space Survival Tip Number Five: Remain positive at all times. Maintain a cheerful attitude even in the face of adversity. Remember: when you are smiling the whole world smiles with you, but when you're crying you're in violation of fleet-wide morale codes and should report to your superior officer for disciplinary action.
The strange, controlling, vaguely sinister tone of some of the tips we hear in the first episode is largely played for laughs, emphasised by the exaggeratedly upbeat manner in which Hera reads them. But even these first few tips give us some initial suggestions that the powers behind this mission might not care all that much about the wellbeing of their crew members.
It says something about Minkowski that she places such faith and importance in a book which says things like "Failing to remain calm, could result in your grisly, gruesome death" and "when you're crying you're in violation of fleet-wide morale codes and should report to your superior officer for disciplinary action." (Foreshadowing the Hephaestus Station as the home of immense emotional repression and compartmentalising...) Having those kind of pressures and demands placed on her (and those around her) by people above her in the military hierarchy doesn’t unsettle Minkowski.
Eiffel groans and sighs as he listens to the tips, but Minkowski seems to see this manual as an essential source of wisdom. The main role the manual plays in this episode is to establish Minkowski and Eiffel as contrasting characters with very different approaches to authority and therefore a potential to clash.
When Minkowski demands that Eiffel reads the DSSPPM, he decides to get Hera to read it to him, asking her to keep this as “a 'just the two of us, totally secret, never tell Commander Minkowski' thing”. Eiffel seems convinced that Minkowski won't be happy with him listening to Hera read the DSSPPM rather than reading it himself. This suggests that (at least in Eiffel's interpretation) Minkowski’s orders are not just about her wanting him to know the contents of the manual, since this could theoretically be accomplished just as well by him listening to it. But she wants him to do things in what she’s deemed to be the correct way, to put in the right amount of effort, and not to take what she might see as a shortcut. It’s not just about the contents of the manual; it’s about the commitment to protocol that reading it represents.
“When in doubt: whip it out”: Hilbert’s use of the DSSPPM
In Season 1, the DSSPPM isn't purely associated with Minkowski. Hilbert actually quotes it more than she does in the first few episodes. In Ep2 Little Revolución, Hilbert's response to Eiffel's toothpaste protest is inspired by "Pryce and Carter six fourteen: “When in doubt, whip it out - ‘it’ being hydrochloric acid.”" This tip is absurd in a more direct obvious way than those we heard in Ep1. While this absurdity is partly for humour, it also casts further doubt on the usefulness of this supposedly authoritative survival manual, and therefore on the wisdom of trusting Command.
In Ep4 Cataracts and Hurricanoes, Hilbert starts to quote Tip #4 at Eiffel, who protests "I'm not gonna have one of the last things I hear be some crap from the survival manual". These moments again place Eiffel in clear opposition to the DSSPPM, but also suggest that Hilbert's attitude towards the DSSPPM - and therefore towards Command - is closer to Minkowski's than to Eiffel's.
When Hilbert turns on the Hephaestus crew in his Christmas mutiny, his allegiance to Command is revealed as dangerous. And here the DSSPPM comes up again. As Minkowski dissolves the door between her and Hilbert, she triumphantly echoes his own words back to him: "Pryce and Carter six fourteen: “When in doubt, whip it out - ‘it’ being hydrochloric acid.” Never. Fails." This provides a callback to a previous, more comedic conflict on the Hephaestus, and reminds the listener of a time when Minkowski and Hilbert were working together against Eiffel, in contrast to the current situation of Minkowski and Eiffel versus Hilbert. But it also shows that Minkowski, like Hilbert, is capable of using some of the more absurd DSSPPM tips to defeat an adversary. And it shows Minkowski leaning on those tips in a real moment of crisis.
Once Hilbert has betrayed the crew in order to follow orders from Command, we might look back on his quoting of the DSSPPM as casting the manual in a more sinister light, and again calling into question the wisdom of Minkowski placing such trust in it.
“It's not that I don't believe it, I'm just disgusted by it”: the DSSPPM as an indicator of a changing dynamic
The next mention of the DSSPPM is in Ep17 Bach to the Future:
MINKOWSKI Eiffel's been spot-testing me, Hera. He doesn't believe that I've memorized all of the survival tips in Pryce and Carter. EIFFEL It's not that I don't believe it, I'm just disgusted by it. I keep hoping to discover it's not true. MINKOWSKI Well, believe as little as you want, doesn't change the fact that I do know them. And so should you!
I think this provides an interesting illustration of the way in which Minkowski and Eiffel’s dynamic has developed since Ep1. They still have deeply contrasting attitudes to the DSSPPM, but this contrast is now a source of entertainment between them, rather than merely of conflict.
Given that Hera wasn’t aware of Eiffel testing Minkowski on the tips, we can guess that it’s a game they came up with while Hera was offline. In the midst of all the exhaustion and uncertainty and fear they were dealing with after Hilbert’s mutiny, this was a way they found to pass the time. It must have been Eiffel who suggested it; Minkowski cites his disbelief as the reason for the spot-testing. And yet she plays along, responding each time, even though this activity has no real productive value.
Minkowski is keen to demonstrate that she does know the tips and she emphasises that Eiffel ought to know them too, but their interactions about the DSSPPM in this episode have none of the genuine irritation and frustration that they displayed in Ep1. It feels almost playful and teasing. Eiffel still thinks Minkowski is "completely insane" for learning all the tips and is "disgusted" by her commitment to memorising them, but these comments feel much closer to joking about a friend's weird traits than to insulting a hated coworker's personality. It feels like something has shifted since Eiffel responded to Minkowski’s passion for the DSSPPM by saying “I'm so glad that your shrivelled husk of a dictator's heart is as warm as a decompression chamber”.
Another thing to note here is that Minkowski's respect for the DSSPPM has clearly survived Hilbert's Christmas mutiny and Minkowski's resulting distrust of Command. From Hilbert's behaviour at Christmas, it's clear that the crew's survival is not at the top of Command's priority list. But Minkowski still trusts the book that Command told her to read. She still thinks Eiffel should read it too. The main figures of authority above her are dangerous and untrustworthy, but she still clings to the source of guidance they provided her with.
It's also worth noting that Minkowski has not just learnt the advice in each of the 1001 tips, but she has memorised (nearly) all of them by number. If it was just about the information that the manual provides to inform responses to potentially life-or-death situations, then knowing the numbers wouldn't be necessary. Nor would it be particularly useful to know them all exactly word-for-word. Minkowski's reliance on the DSSPPM is again suggested to be about more than the potential practical use of its content. It's about showing that she is committed and disciplined and up to the task of leading. She does have some awareness of the strangeness of many of the tips, but this doesn't diminish the value of her adherence to the manual for her:
EIFFEL You're insane. MINKOWSKI I'm disciplined. Although I will admit they do get more... esoteric as you go higher up the list.
There's only one tip Minkowski doesn't seem to remember, and that's revealing too:
EIFFEL 555? Minkowski DRAWS BREATH - and STOPS SHORT. [...] MINKOWSKI Hold on a second, I know this. (beat) Dammit. EIFFEL Hey, look at that! Looks like there may be hope for you yet. MINKOWSKI Quiet, Eiffel. Hera, what's D.S.S.P.P.M. 555? HERA "Good communication habits are key to continued subsistence. Be in touch with other crew members about shipboard activities. Interfacing about possible problems or dangers is the best way to anticipate and prevent them." This hangs in the air for a second. Then – EIFFEL So you forget the one tip in the entire manual that's actually helpful? MINKOWSKI Shut up.
Communication is a key theme of this show, so it’s interesting that this is the one tip Minkowski can’t remember, perhaps indicating an aspect of leadership and teamwork that she doesn’t always prioritise or find easy.
Eiffel saying “Looks like there may be hope for you yet” seems like just a throwaway teasing line, but it’s got a profound edge to it. A lot of Minkowski’s arc is about learning how to provide her own direction and support her crew outside of the systems of authority and hierarchy that she’s grown so attached to. So perhaps Eiffel is right to see a kind of hope in her failure to remember every single DSSPPM tip – she has the potential to break free of her reliance on external authority.
“Which one was 897, what was the exact phrasing of that Deep Space Survival Tip?”: the DSSPPM in interactions with Cutter
The Wolf 359 liveshow, Deep Space Survival Procedure and Protocol, is literally named after the manual. This suggests, before we’ve even heard/watched the episode, that the DSSPPM will be a key symbol here. Which is interesting because I'd say the liveshow has two main plot points: (a) Eiffel's failure to read the DSSPPM or follow orders in general, the resulting disruption to the mission, and his crewmates' frustration with this; and (b) the looming threat of Cutter, the necessity of keeping information from Command, and the risk of fatal mission termination.
Even without the knowledge that Cutter is one of the co-authors of the DSSPPM (which neither the Hephaestus crew nor a first-time listener knows at this point), there's a kind of irony in the contrast between these two plotlines. On the one hand, Minkowski repeatedly berates Eiffel for not having read Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure and Protocol Manual, which was made mandatory by Command. On the other hand, she is aware that Command in general - and Cutter specifically - represents the biggest threat to the safety and survival of her crew.
Cutter uses the DSSPPM against each of the Hephaestus crew in their one-on-one conversations with him. For Minkowski, he uses it as a way of emphasising the expectations and responsibility placed on her:
MINKOWSKI There are always gaps between expectation and reality, but-- CUTTER But it's our job as leaders to close that gap, isn't it? Pryce and Carter...? MINKOWSKI 414, yes. Yes, sir, I know.
Cutter knows that Minkowski will know those tips and he knows abiding by them is important to her. She's quick to demonstrate her knowledge of the DSSPPM and agree with the tip. There's something deeply sinister to me about Cutter's use of the word 'our' here. His phrasing includes them both as leaders who should be ensuring that things are exactly as expected. It’s almost a kind of flattery at her authority, but it comes with impossibly high expectations. This way of emphasising the importance and responsibilities of her role as Commander is a targeted strategy by Cutter at manipulating Minkowski, designed to appeal to her values.
In Hera's one-on-one, Cutter uses a DSSPPM tip to interpret her behaviour and claim that he can read her motives:
CUTTER This thing you're doing. Asking questions while you get your bearings. HERA Sir, I'm just curious about-- CUTTER Pryce and Carter 588: Shows of courtesy and polite queries are an efficient way to gain time necessary to strategize.
Unlike with Minkowski (or Eiffel), Cutter doesn't prompt Hera to demonstrate her knowledge of the manual. That wouldn't work as a power play against Hera, who would be able to recall the manual (or, rather, retrieve the file, however that distinction works within her memory) but who doesn't care about the DSSPPM like Minkowski does. Instead, Cutter implies that Hera’s behaviour can be predicted - or at the very least seen through - by the DSSPPM, which seems like a cruel attempt by Cutter at belittling her.
For Eiffel, Cutter uses the manual as a weapon in a different way again. He asks Eiffel, "which one was 897, what was the exact phrasing of that Deep Space Survival Tip?", something which Eiffel clearly doesn't know, but Cutter of course does. This puts Eiffel on the back foot, trying to defend and justify himself, allowing Cutter to emphasise his position of power yet again.
The DSSPPM plays a double role in the liveshow. On the one hand, as Minkowski reminds Eiffel, proper knowledge of the manual "would've saved [the crew] from these problems with the nav computer" – some of the tips can potentially save the crew a great deal of hassle, stress, and risk. On the other hand, the same manual is used by Cutter to manipulate, unsettle, and intimidate the crew. There are these two sides to the information given to the crew by Command - two sides to the manual which Minkowski still values.
In another duality for the DSSPM, the manual is sometimes used as a symbol of the relationship between the crew members and Command, and sometimes used to indicate the dynamics between the individual crew members, usually Minkowski and Eiffel. Before Cutter’s appearance in the liveshow, Minkowski and Eiffel’s discussions of the DSSPPM reflect interpersonal disagreements between two people with fundamentally different attitudes:
MINKOWSKI Oh come on, why do you think I keep trying to get you to go over these things? Do you think I enjoy going through them? EIFFEL Yes. MINKOWSKI Well, alright, I do. But this knowledge could save your life.
Minkowski enjoys rules, regulations, and certainty, for their own sake as much as for any practical usefulness. Eiffel very much does not. This is a simple clash of individuals, in which the link between the DSSPPM and Command is implicit. Minkowski doesn't seem to question the idea that the information in the DSSPPM is potentially life-saving, even though she knows Command don't care about their lives. But Cutter’s repeated references to the DSSPPM remind us who made that book a mandatory part of mission training – it certainly wasn’t Minkowski, even if she’s often the one attempting to enforce this rule.
At the end of the liveshow, in a desperate attempt to prevent mission termination, Eiffel promises Cutter that he will read the DSSPPM (the liveshow transcript notes that him saying this is "like pulling teeth"), an instance of the manual being used in negotiations between the Hephaestus crew and Command. All Minkowski’s orders weren’t enough to get Eiffel to read that book, but a genuine life-or-death threat might just about be enough. Perhaps it's ironic that Eiffel reads the survival manual out of a desire for survival, not because he thinks the contents of the book will help him survive, but because he’s grasping anything he can offer to buy the crew’s survival from those who created that same book.
In the final scene of the liveshow, Minkowski catches Eiffel reading the DSSPPM, and he fumbles to hide that he's been reading it, a humorous reversal of all the times that he's lied to her that he has read it. Perhaps admitting that he's reading it would be like letting Minkowski win. Minkowski seems to find both surprise and amusement in seeing Eiffel finally reading the manual, but she doesn't push him to admit it. There's some slightly smug but still friendly teasing in the way Minkowski says "were you now?" when Eiffel says that he was just reading something useful. In that final scene, the manual is viewed again through the lens of Minkowski and Eiffel’s dynamic – Command’s relation to the DSSPPM becomes secondary.
“The first thing I'd make damn sure was hard wired into anything that might end up in a situation like this one”: the DSSPPM as a tool of survival
In Ep30 Mayday, when Eiffel is stranded alone on Lovelace’s shuttle, he hallucinates Minkowski to bring him out of his helpless panic and force him into action. And this hallucination also brings with it one of Minkowski’s interests:
MINKOWSKI Eiffel... I worked on this shuttle. Reprogramming that console. EIFFEL So? How does that help – MINKOWSKI Think about it. BEAT. And then he gets it. EIFFEL Oh goddammit. MINKOWSKI What's the first thing that I would do when programming a flight computer? The first thing I'd make damn sure was hard wired into anything that might end up in a situation like this one? EIFFEL Pyrce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure and Protocol Manual.
Again, a conversation about the DSSPPM gives us an indication of the development of Minkowski and Eiffel’s relationship. Not only does Eiffel imagine Minkowski as a figure of (fairly aggressive) support when he’s stranded and alone, he thinks about what advice she’d give him and he follows it. Rather than dismissing the manual entirely, he looks for tips that are relevant to his situation. He’s not pleased about his hallucinated-Minkowski trying to get him to read the DSSPPM, but that was what his mind gave him in an almost hopeless situation. Some part of him now empathises with Minkowski’s priorities in a way that he definitely wasn’t doing in Ep1. He thinks that the DSSPPM might be on the shuttle because he knows the manual is important to Minkowski. It’s by imagining Minkowski that he gets himself to read the manual in order to see if it can help him survive – he certainly doesn’t think about what Cutter or anyone else from Command would tell him to do.
In the end, the tips Eiffel picks out aren’t all that helpful or informative: “Confront reality head-on”; “In an emergency, take stock of the tools at your disposal. Then take stock again. Restock. Repurpose. Reuse. Recycle."; and “"In times of trouble, an idle mind is your worst enemy”. But Eiffel does use these tips to structure his initial thinking about how to survive on Lovelace’s shuttle. In an almost entirely hopeless situation, Eiffel finds some value in the DSSPPM. But since the tips he picks out are mostly platitudes, the actual wisdom that allows him to survive all comes from his own mind; the tips, like his hallucinations, are just a tool he uses to externalise his process of figuring out what to do.
“Wasn't there something about this in the survival manual?”: Minkowski potentially moving away from the DSSPPM
Given the significance of the DSSPPM in Season 1 and 2 to Minkowski in particular, it feels notable when the manual isn’t referenced. Unless I've missed something (and please let me know if I have), Minkowski – the real one, not Eiffel’s hallucination - doesn't bring up the manual of her own accord at all in Seasons 3 or 4. This might make us wonder if she’s moved away from her trust in and reliance on that book provided by Command.
Perhaps the arrival of the SI-5, which highlights to Minkowski that the chain of command is not a good indicator of trustworthy authority, was the final straw. Or perhaps the apparent loss of Eiffel - and any subsequent questioning of her leadership approach, or realisations about the valuable perspective Eiffel provided - were what finally broke down her faith in that book.
Alternatively, perhaps Minkowski still trusts the DSSPPM as much as ever, but trying to get Eiffel or any of the other crew members to listen to it is a losing battle that she no longer sees as a priority. Either way, Minkowski’s apparent reluctance to bring up the DSSPPM feels like a shift in her approach.
The associations between Minkowski and the DSSPPM are still there in Season 3, but they are raised by other characters, not by Minkowski herself. The manual is used to emphasise Eiffel’s difficulties when he’s put in charge of trying to get Maxwell and Hera to fill out a survey in Ep32 Controlled Demolition. Trying to force other people to be productive pushes Eiffel into some very uncharacteristic behaviour:
EIFFEL Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? It's like you've never even read Pryce and Carter! Tip #490 very clearly states that – He trails off. After a BEAT – HERA Officer Eiffel? MAXWELL You, uh, all right there? EIFFEL (the horror) What have I become? [...] Eiffel, now wrapped up in a blanket, is next to Lovelace. He is still very clearly shaken. EIFFEL ... and... it was like an episode of the Twilight Zone. I was slowly transforming into Commander Minkowski. [...] It was a nightmare! A terrifying, bureaucratic nightmare!
This is a funny role reversal, but it shows us the strength of Eiffel’s association between Minkowski and the DSSPPM, as well his extreme aversion to finding himself in a strict bureaucratic leadership position. It also suggests that becoming extremely frustrated when trying to get other people to do what you want might make anyone resort to relying on an external source of authority, such as the manual. I don’t know whether this experience helps Eiffel empathise with Minkowski, but perhaps it might give us some insight into how her need for authority and control in the leadership role she occupied might have reinforced her deference to the DSSPPM.
In Ep34, we get a suggestion of another character having a strong association between the DSSPPM and Minkowski. After the discovery of Funzo, Hera asks Minkowski what the manual says about it:
HERA Umm... I don't know if this is a good idea. Lieutenant, wasn't there something about this in the survival manual? MINKOWSKI Pryce and Carter 792: Of all the dangers that you will face in the void of space, nothing compares to the existential terror that is Funzo.
It’s interesting to me that Hera asks Minkowski here. We know from Ep1 that “Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual is among the files [Hera has] access to”. Two possible reasons occur to me for why Hera might ask Minkowski about the DSSPPM tip here. One possibility is that Hera thinks that retrieving the manual from her databanks and finding the correct tip would take her more time than it would take for Minkowski to just remember the tip. Which suggests interesting things about the nature of Hera’s memory, but also implies that - at least in Hera's view -Minkowski’s knowledge of the DSSPPM is more reliable than that of a supercomputer.
The other possibility is that Hera could have recalled the relevant DSSPPM tip incredibly quickly but she doesn’t want to, maybe because she resents having that manual in her head in the first place, or maybe because she wants to show respect for Minkowski’s knowledge as a Commander. Either way, we can see that Hera – like Eiffel – strongly associates Minkowski with the DSSPPM.
And Minkowski, even if she wasn’t the one to bring up the manual here, recalls the relevant tip immediately. Perhaps she is moving away from her trust in that manual, but everything that she learned as part of her old deference to the authority of Command is still there in her head. She might want to forget it by the end of the mission, but that’s not easily achieved. The way Minkowski’s friends/crewmates associate the manual with her emphasises the difficulty she’ll face if she tries to move away from it.
“One thousand and one pains in my ass”: The authorship of the DSSPPM
In Ep55 A Place for Everything, Eiffel effectively expresses his long-held dislike of the DSSPPM when he comes face-to-face with both of its authors:
EIFFEL What? What the hell are - wait a minute - Pryce? As in one thousand and one pains in my ass, Pryce? (sudden realization) Which... makes you...? MR. CUTTER (holding out his hand) W.S. Carter, pleased to meet you.
It’s significant that the two ‘big bads’ of the whole series are the authors of the manual which Minkowski and Eiffel were bickering about all the way back in Ep1. It’s not the only way in which the message of this show positions itself firmly against just accepting externally imposed authority and hierarchy without question or evidence, but it does reinforce this ethos.
By being the authors of the manual, Cutter and Pryce have had a sinister hidden presence throughout the show. Long before we know who Pryce is and even before we hear Cutter’s name, their manual is there, occupying a prominent place in Minkowski’s motivations and priorities, and in her arguments with Eiffel. It’s not at all comparable to what Pryce put in Hera’s mind, but it is another way in which these antagonists have wormed their way into the heads of our protagonists.
Minkowski will have to come to terms with the fact that the 1001 tips she spent hours memorising and reciting were written by two people who would have killed her, her crew, and even the whole human race without hesitation if it served their purposes. We never get to hear Minkowski’s reaction to learning the identities of Pryce and Carter, but I think processing the role of their manual in her life will be a long and difficult road that’ll tie into a lot of other emotional processing she needs to do. Her assertion to Cutter that, without him, she is “Renée Minkowski... and that is more than enough to kick your ass!” feels like part of that journey. She doesn’t mention the DSSPPM at all in Season 4. She’s growing beyond it.
"Doug Eiffel's Deep Space Survival Guide": The DSSPPM as a weapon against those who wrote it
Last but not least, I couldn’t write about Eiffel and the DSSPPM without mentioning this scene from Ep58 Quiet, Please:
EIFFEL As someone once told me: "Pryce and Carter 754: In an emergency, take stock of the tools at your disposal, then take stock again. Repurpose, reuse, recycle." And right now? You know what I got? I got this lighter from when Cutter was using me as his personal cabana boy. [...] and I've got myself this big, fat copy of the Deep Space Survival Manual, and you know what I'm gonna do with it? [...] Eiffel STRIKES THE LIGHTER. And LIGHTS THE BOOK ON FIRE, revealing Pryce just a few feet away from him! EIFFEL I am going to repurpose it... and reuse it... and recycle it into a GIANT FIREBALL OF DEATH! And he swings the flaming book forward, HITTING PRYCE ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD. [...] EIFFEL That's right! Doug Eiffel's Deep Space Survival Guide, B-
No one other than Doug Eiffel could pull off the chaotic energy of this moment. It doesn’t get much more anti-authority than lighting the mandatory mission manual on fire and using it as a weapon against one of its malevolent authors. It might not be the wisest move safety-wise, and it certainly doesn’t improve the situation when the node gets jettisoned into space. But there is still a powerful symbolism in taking a symbol of the hierarchical forces that have tried to constrain you for years and setting it alight to fight back against those forces. Eiffel takes his own approach to survival and puts his own name into the title, an assertion of his agency and rejection of Command's authority.
The DSSPPM tip that he uses here is one of those he considers when stranded on Lovelace’s shuttle. It’s understandable that after that experience it might have stuck in his memory.
I can’t help feeling that the line “as someone once told me” has a double meaning here. The immediate implication is to interpret “someone” as being Pryce and Cutter – it’s their manual after all – which makes this line a fairly effective ‘fuck you’ gesture, emphasising how Eiffel is using Pryce’s manual against her in both an abstract and a physical sense.
But I think “someone” could also mean Minkowski. Eiffel uses a singular rather than plural term, there’s already an association established between Minkowski and the DSSPPM, and, in Mayday, it’s his hallucination of Minkowski that gets him to read this tip. She's probably also recited this tip to him at other points as well. Under this interpretation, this line is as much a gesture of solidarity with Minkowski as it is a taunt to Pryce. I like the idea that these two interpretations can run alongside each other, reflecting the duality of the use of the DSSPPM that I talked about in relation to the liveshow.
Conclusion
The DSSPPM is a symbol of external rules imposed on people by those with power over them. These rules can be strange, arbitrary, and even sinister, but for those with a desire for certainty and control, like Minkowski, they can be tempting. And they can have their uses, as well as the potential to be repurposed. Attitudes towards these rules provide an effective shorthand as part of Minkowski and Eiffel’s characterisation. And the clash between these attitudes, and how that clash manifests, can tell us something about how the dynamic between those characters develops and changes.
#Wolf 359#w359#Renee Minkowski#Doug Eiffel#Renée Minkowski#I guess I lied when I said I was halfway through at 1000 words#I hope that those who liked my preview post were up for a long read#This is over 5000 words and I still haven't said everything!#You could write a PhD thesis on this#Honestly I feel like this is full of typos and mistakes cos I was kinda tired as I proofread it but I just want to get it posted today#Otherwise I could spend even more time on it and make it even longer... (and also I want it to be out in the world)#But please do lmk if you spot a typo/mistake. I won't be offended#I'd also be interested to hear people's thoughts on any of this#Unimportant point but I'm shaking my head at Minkowski if she wouldn't let Eiffel listen to the DSSPPM instead of reading it#Audiobooks are a valid method of reading. Don't deny a man with ADHD his own approach to absorbing info!#Then again. it might have been an unfounded assumption of Eiffel's that Minkowski wouldn't have accepted him listening to it#I think in school he definitely got in trouble for boasting that he's actually read the book this time when he just watched the film#the empty man posteth
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Grand Duke Lawrence Valcua for @moon-dragonprincess ✨✨
#vampire hunter d#art#illustration#vampire#lawrence valcua#I haven't read the book he's in yet but I tried my best💫#“it'll just be a sketch” proceeds to spend a couple hours lmfao story of my life#Something about his face his bothering me but I just wanted to get it out at this point#Fanart#vhd
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*glances at svsss' vol 4 worth of extras, aka 'the whump and smut pile'* you haven't seen anything yet
You guys are seriously taking an axe to my self-control;;; I'm trying to make this series last longer than a single month!! I'm trying to savour things!!! I'm trying to read something else and give the series a bit of breathing room before I pick up the last book but I want the "whump and smut pile" I want that so much I feel like a dog that's getting a treat waved in front of its face .·´¯`(��´д`)´¯`·.
#svsss already had a bunch of whump! i wasn't expecting that! it was a really really nice treat#honestly i am going to need to find fics that delve into the whole blood parasite thing cause yall holy shit#that's fucked and i'm very into it#anyway you CAN'T just tell me that the biggest book in the (already whumpy) series is the “whump and smut pile” without destroying me a bit#i've almost finished all mxtx books and what am i supposed to do after that?#i've read the main story for mdzs / tgcf / and now svsss#all i have left are the extras - i've intentionally not read the extras for any of the series yet because i figured i would get to a point#where i'd finished the main series and would want to have something to return to#but that's three books AT MOST because most of the extras aren't a full book#i'm so close to being done them and i don't want this ;;^;;#i'm going to have to seriously start thinking about which danmei/xianxia book to read next because i'm really enjoying this genre#i have a few options i haven't touched yet because i've been busy with mxtx's books... maybe i should do a poll and see what people think#since i don't really know much about the genre or the other books out there or what's good.... hm....#bene speaks
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fascinating that the biphobes, who say that BG3 companions are not accurate as bisexuals/pansexuals, literally haven’t played the game!! they don’t know the characters or who they flirt with and choose to sleep with.
a textpost said that everyone is allowed to play the game as they want and romance characters with a character of any gender and one person commented that OP is a homophobe and Astarion “would be the biggest gay if not for making everyone playersexual.” I clicked on the username and they have a post stating “will buy that game just to play as the furry albino elf and have homophobes watch him get fucked by every dude” ok. sounds fun, I will do the same, I’ll simply also fuck every women. but no.when not everyone is playersexual, 80% of them just end up straight. the remainder mostly still bi and they would deny the bisexuality of those few as well. why do they feel so comfortable attacking bisexuality that they will even comment on bi characters when they are unfamiliar with a given piece of fiction
#if I never watched a tv show/read a book/played a game I sure don’t go on people’s posts#and make accusing statements towards fans how they are wrong to interpret characters AS THEY ARE IN CANON#also this is typical rhetoric that bi men are actually just gay (and bi women are just straight because everyone only wants men)#biphobia#anyway they don’t care what it’s like for bi people to hear this#that a person got called a homophobe for pointing out that bi/pan character IS bi/pan and bi people do sleep with women#they literally say they haven't bought the game yet#wtf#why have an opinion?#when I want to engage in conversation about characters/story first I watch/read/play that story#my post#my posts#tumblr bullshit#bisexual#characters#text post#Baldur's Gate 3#BG3#textposts#also there is definitely an element of misogyny in this...#after all I haven't seen anyone demanding that the bi female companions should only be paired with women#no it's the typical fandom thing where only male/male pairings are allowed and female charactes are treated like shit and pushed to the side#female characters not allowed in male/female pairings not even when both are bi/pan and potentially poly#and female/female pairings are just so rare they almost never show up...#and like I always say bi people get shit from both sides#the conservative side of this DOES exist... people who are annoyed that larian showed him making out with a man#it's just that they are an extreme minority on this website#but just because those conservatives and homophobes exist doesn't mean it makes it ok to deny a bi character's attraction to women#both are wrong and both are biphobic#both are a form of erasure
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I can't believe y'all almost made me pay to go watch po*r th*ngs in theater without telling me that the whole thing revolves around a hardcore born sexy yesterday trope with a side dish of pseudo necrophilia where a woman with the brain of a litteral foetus who don't have periods or body hair (but do have boobs!) find joy and freedom by having a lot of sex with a bunch of men, shoving a apple up her vagina for some reason and joining a brothel (but it's a cool socialist brothel and all the girls looove being there, don't worry guys), all of that written and directed by two men, I'm never gonna trust you guys after this one lmao
#she also piss on the floor at some point and talks about fucking with the vocabulary of a toddler but i'm supposed to believe it's not sus#lmao ok sure#'there's more to the story than this!' idgaf! 'you're taking it out of context!' idgaf! 'it's actually a feminist story!' no it's not lmao#i cannot let go of the socialist brothel either like wooooow#men are so obsessed with the idea of natural born sex workers it's almost comical#also i cannot comment on the original book since i haven't read it#but apparently a big thing is that at the end it's revealed by the woman character that the male ones where bullshitting...#...about pretty much everything to look smarter and more important than they are#but in this 'feminist' movie they actually do frankenstein the woman and give her a second life fr fr#like aiiiight lmao#btw i truly don't care if you love the movie that's perfectly fine i love plenty of movies with very questionable content#plus i don't think anyone need my approbation to enjoy anything in this world#but boy does it personally gross me out#poor things spoilers#i hope this don't pop in the tag btw#if it does i'm sorry but people who wants to see it *will* complain about being spoil
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Rhaenyra when she finds out that instead of going after Aemond, like she demanded for very publicly, Daemon hired men to kill a small child instead behind her back:
#hotd#house of the dragon#in case yall forgot this still remains an anti daemon page#i haven't read the books and probably won't so this is purely from the shows perspective#also could just be me but (or at least at this point) rhae doesn't give me the vibe of someone who would pleased with killing a random#person (a child at that) while the one who she actually wants to seek justice still walks free but could just be me 🤷🏾♀️#and i don't think daemon did this with the main goal of getting justice for luke but more so to ease his bloodlust#he's been itching to make moves behind rhae's back since the first few minutes of the episode since last season#rhaenys even called him out on it!#rhaenyra targaryen#anti daemon targaryen#i want rhae (and luke) to have justice but excuse me if i don't think killing an innocent child in front of their mother is the way to go
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My printer hates me :) (with many thanks and credit to @niennanir as before)
Gosh aren’t they gorgeous tho ♥ Especially the latest and largest, though I have to give all the credit to the paper on that one haha, it’s stunning IRL, I could almost stare at the gold lattice forever rather than read, but I’m so happy with how it turned out between the pages as well!
Quick showcase of the new additions! :D
My Drinking Game as another test run, I got the spacing how I wanted it! Yay! It’s so much handsomer and less cramped! Also I gotta say, if it wasn’t such a large usage of paper, this would be my ideal way of checking for typos - I found a couple after setting it down to ink lol, they’ve been fixed now at least ♪ Paired here with the emerge, transformed three-parter, one of my all-time-favourites <3 I reread it the night I finished it and cried again, a little bit of tender mercy always wrecks me hhhh ♥ There are so many beautiful evocative lines! I’m so happy to hold it ♪ And as you can see above, that was the one that got the cute little ghost dust jacket :D
Another test run of what I’m calling volume 1 of my Vargas Drabbles lol, so not including Have you lost your mind? since that one’s currently unfinished. I do fully intend to print it once it’s done tho :3c Hopefully that one will cause me fewer problems! I hate measuring, so I may have flubbed two covers before finally getting this one into good enough shape XP And my red yarn is still in storage so >.> Did I go purchase another ball of red yarn? I’ll never tell. You can’t tell me it doesn’t look great as a bookmark tho <3
And my current happiest! Ah!! It turned out fantastic on all counts! The cover paper obviously, as I couldn’t Not lead with that, but also the size of the spine and the way the pages settled against each other while glueing - I used a different type of paper for this one and I think I’m completely converted over, it feels amazing to work with. Whatever I was using before had to have been like 15lbs lol, I’m literally just using normal 20lb printer paper but it feels and looks and behaves so much nicer <3 The size of Helix also allowed for a slightly larger bookmark, which was perfect because we had this soft gold ribbon that was all of a couple millimeters wider than the other ribbons/yarn I’d been using, and it looks so so so pretty with the gold detailing!! I’ve put it between Ch. 1 and 2 and getting to see the actual physical size differences of the chapters is so fun ♥
#Hhhhhh crafting is so funnnnn <3 <3 <3#Fully intending to make more - I have the next set picked out and the accompanying dust jacket to go with it haha#I've decided to stick to dust jackets for the plain non-textured covers for the most part#It does hide my detailing on the covers but it also hides if I haven't done anything to the fronts as well! Haha ♪#I added a Captain/ZEX caption to Drinking Game like I did with ZEX/DAX but the latter is still the prettiest by far <3#Their names were made to go together you could say hehe ♪♫#You can kinda see I tried my hand at making a custom cover for the Vargas drabbles as well - it kiiiinda turned out? Lol#As stated I hate measuring and the lines turned out wonky :P But it's done and I've reread it for typos lol#I was worried I'd find rereading my own work cringy since most of those are older than either of my SCII fics but no it was nice actually :)#I did actually go supply shopping yet again for these since I'm having so much fun with it hehe <3 <3#The yarn and the cover paper I used for Helix were both good finds :) I got a whole booklet of space-themed cardstock! :D#That one was one of the lesser space ones hehe ♪ I had a couple other considerations - like a yellow-on-white constellation one ♫#But I think I'm the happiest with this one! It's beautiful and I feel like it reflects the Idle Rich themes a little bit hehe <3#Hhhhhhh it's so nice to read them like I would a book ♥ I enjoy reading them on my iPod but there's something about The Experience hehe#Being able to hold it and place a physical bookmark and not having the glare of a screen or if the scroll goes funny lol#Just exactly what it is! And I can pull any of them at any point!#I actually had a moment where I wanted to read one of them but didn't want to move from my spot to physically go get it#Only to realize later I was holding my iPod at the time and could've read it that way as it's still very much available online lol#SCII#LAC#Vargas
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as we can all see, the bsd brainworms got me. so i am adding bsd to the manga collection chart 🫡
#i haven't really connected it even READ manga in so many years#and then i realized that i only owned one (1) volume of haikyuu while i was binging it#and that the anime likely wouldn't go as far as the manga does#(it should only be these next 2 movies i believe?)#so i wanted to be able to actually read the whole story#so I've set off to stop by the bookstore every week before trivia (since they're on the same road anyway) to buy 1 volume every week#or that's the goal but since it's a used book store after a certain point there won't BE volumes i don't already have#BUT now I've added bsd (and it's light novels) to this#alas i do actually have a good but if bsd manga already though#despite having more actually READ IT i do have the first 9 volumes of mana and 5 light novels cksjjcjsjcjjsjc#anyway#🫡#this means if they don't have a new volume of haikyuu i will look for one of bsd instead#and if they have neither i will simply not buy anything#now i just need to figure out the timing bc i was WAYYYYY too early last week fjsjjvjsj#shh ac
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I don't want to sound dismissive because you're right and stories about adults are good, but that post about not relating to coming of age stories is so funny you just "came of age" like 6 years ago.
i definitely get where ur comin from anon but I didn't relate to coming age stories when i was """"coming of age""" either. I haven't even had a first love and i didn't start to understand my gender more until i was 23 skdfjkdflk which is why it's hilarious but also a little frustrating that ages like. 15-19 are supposed to be prime Discovering Yourself and Becoming Who You Are ages. most people are in a constant state of self discovery and becoming and i just find most coming of age stories uhhhh...kind of horseshit lol. I'm dunking on anyone that did find them relatable or did see themselves in them or value them but they r just. Not for me and never really have been even when I was the target age you know?
#replies#anon#'coming of age' we are ALWAYS coming of age you know? coming to know yourself in your 30s is still coming of age!!!#im not actually arguing with you personally anon this was a fun message and i get that like. yeah i cannot claim to be an Elder tm lol#but i think some people are misinterpreting that psot and are being like ugh how dare you maybe just stop reading YA??#and that NOT my fucking point. my fucking point is that like 75% of the shows and books that get recommended to me#(which jumps to like 90% if it's queer media :/) are about teens!!!#i don't want teenage stories and im sick of self discovery and first loves and fun adventures and cool space operas being#mostly starring teenagers as if only teenagers experience that stuff!!!#why are adults allowed to find new loves and passions and have a love triangle with a bad boy and their best friend if they so want#why are 40 somethings allowed to figure out their gender and sexuality!!!#THAT's what im complaining about im complaining that finding good Adult fiction that has some similar narrative beats to the imo best parts#common aspects of ya fiction is hard#where's the stories for those of us that didn't have first loves at 15 and haven't had first loves at 25 and are still figuring out things#tldr most high school/ya stories have some really cool elements that i don't think need to be exclusive to teenagers#extra tldr: stop telling me about fictional teens having sex i can not and will not fucking care anymore#SORRY FOR THE TAG RANT ANON YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS LOL
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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Sometimes you just don't sleep for 3 days because you're too busy weeping over the fact that a 111 year old mail ship at the bottom of the Atlantic will probably completely erode within your lifetime. for fun
#I've been trying to dig out my books and documentaries and memorabilia since i want to start reading up on it again#this ship was such a huge part of my life for such a long time#(to the point where when meeting new people sometimes my parents had to actively tell me not to bring it up in conversation lol)#because for like 5-6 years of my kid-to-preteen life it was the Big Thing my autistic ass brain latched onto#i managed to find 7 of my books‚ 2 cds‚ a vhs‚ a dvd‚ and two of my postcards to display with my new titanic coal hourglass my mom got me#but I'm sad i haven't managed to find the rest of my collection yet‚ i know i have more books and documentaries and posters and stuff#i know for a fact i didn't get rid of at least most of my collection#but I'll keep an eye out for em#they're bound to be somewhere in my garage‚ i just need to figure out what box they'd be in#but um. yes I'm very emotional about this particular boat and its occupants at the moment#but also i should probably take a nap I've spent the last 3 days pretty much just digging out and reading through my books#i haven't really slept much and i have stuff to do today lmao#I've just been so violently hit with this hyperfixation resurfacing that it's hard to think of much else at the moment lmao
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I didn't go online at all yesterday. I self-designated a reading day and finished a book for class (The Good Solider) and one book on my owned TBR (Convenience Store Woman). It bothered me that I didn't have any books done yet for this year. I'm in the middle of three others, with a mind to start maybe one or two more, but still, it feels like very slow going.
#all those posted were queued on Monday or something and the queue ran out so I'm back to posting in real time#I've been online way too much lately and I'm absorbing a lot of stuff I don't want to so I had to step back#also I have so many books to read#I'm even looking at thriftbooks for more books#cuz I haven't read anything very good in a while#convenience store woman was interesting but focused way too much on a draining character who was basically an incel and pissed me off#the woman was interesting but the main guy character was infuriating#I treated it as a character study of this woman and how her mind worked otherwise it wouldn't have been enjoyable at all#I liked following her but the guy was in the book too much and almost took over the story at points very obnoxious#the wlw book I'm currently reading is weird and I'm not sure how I feel about it because the characters are related (though not directly)#and no one in the reviews said anything about that either- I noticed#it's also weird because it feels like a draft not a final product...there's just a lot of jumping around that makes no sense#and Ford Madox Ford wrote an INSANE book#there was no hinged character in The Good Solider- and you could trust no one#I'm going to try to argue it's a metaphor for King Henry VIII and his six wives... because it's heavily implied that's what the story is#but rewritten so it's in the 1910s and the Catharine of Aragon character never divorces him so it gets even wilder#that's the only fucking way I'm getting any sense from that book sorry but it's too odd otherwise#books#bookblr#mychatter#grad school
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