#I wanna go home and lay in bed....
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Ignoring the blister issue for a sec (3 more have popped up in a day bc my parents insisted I get open shoes and brand new shoes are always a recipe for disaster), my feet and ankles are swollen af, esp the left one, and I hate hate hate it. Fuck hot weather. Fuck walking around all day.
#Sorry#I am very annoyed#Enough to make it known on social media...#I reallt hurt a lot and I told my parents it was a dumb idea#But did anyone listen to me???#I took the shoes off over half an hour ago and i can still see the shape of them on my feet...#I wanna go home and lay in bed....#Also#Open shoes means no medical insoles means my knee is starting to hurt like hell right now....#Next holiday will be a 'do nothing all week' type of holiday; methinks....#And I am not leaving bed for a whole week once we get home. I'm gonna tell my boss I'm taking some home office days#And write to my advisor to strike my name for her office hours list that week bc I am not getting up once I get home#Anyway#damie talks
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i passed my exam :3
#it’s raining so hard but it’s okay#i just wanna go home and lay in bed#possible think about dante too (i can’t stop thinking about him)#im speaking
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If I complain about being tired tomorrow I need you to tell me to Shut The Fuck Up, I did this to myelf.
#ramblings#^ /lh but also like. Like#hopefully i can get stuff done fast in the morning and just fucking. nap. when i get home#(guy who is not lonely at all voice) so yeah i needed to be in vc as long as possible because i missed my friend#OK IF YOU WERE ONE OF THE THREE THAT SAW ME SAY TO KILL ME IF U SAW ME TYPING ANYWHERE. THIS DOESNT COUNT#THIS DOESNT COUNT I JUST WANNA LEAVE THIS POST B4 I GO TO BED. IM LAYING DOWN NOW
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i kinda really hate my life honestly
#like i hate my job but on my days off i do nothing because just existing is exhausting enough#i also keep saying to myself that i wanna go home even when i am home and thats just depressing#like i feel so overwhelmed and uncomfortable all the time even when im just laying in bed doing nothing#i want a reason to live and people irl who make me feel like my life actually matters#instead of this feeling of barely existing even in my own mind#i probably need therapy but i have no idea how to even do that
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#today sucked. my family was terrible and dinner was terrible and i tried to feel Anything to help decorate but between my family and dinner#i couldn’t. and i wanted to go home but i knew going back to and empty house would be miserable. and now im going to bed at 10:30 on a#saturday to do it all over again tomorrow. and this week is so busy and i think the hunting for sport feeling came crashing in on me in the#middle of feeling embarrassed earlier and then my best friends girlfriend caught me crying over my sister which added to the embarrassment#best friends brothers girlfriend*#i was already feeling from earlier bc of money issues and it’s just. life can be. so exhausting sometimes#i’m just tired. i wanna lay in my bed all day tomorrow. i wanna lay here until i become one with the bed#until moss grows over me. alternatively i want to run away from everyone and everything and start an entirely new life and be a new person#that nobody knows. that i don’t even know. just a clean slate of a human being w no ties to anything#vent
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aggressively hitting my dab pen so i can get through my shift bc time is moving incredibly slowly today and i’m losing my mind
#also my first customer was some girl i was friends with in middle school who in high school me and my friend group beefed with her bc she#tried to say tattoos are ugly and unprofessional despite all her friends being people who wanted tattoos when we got older and then i think#only one girl in our friend group ended up still friends with her after that#oh also she was weirdly possessive of one our friends and i was like bitch what is happening#so yeah basically i wanna go home and lay in bed real bad
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finally coming home ugh
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Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this
#speculation nation#daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days...#im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard#im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn.#what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles#and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response#im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day#but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned#and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat.#im just... tired. im so very tired.#i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to#constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing)#and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed#if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work#at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think#get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes.#i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding#i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic#but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month.#losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though.#negative/
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The temptation to call into work sick tomorrow
#I'm literally fine my throat is just sore#but I don't wanna like be at work for 9 hours around people#I just want to lay in bed and drink tea and try to get better#like what will I get if I do go to work. obviously a days pay and like some people maaaybe wishing me a happy birthday/merry christmas?#if I stayed home I'd legit just be in my bed reading watching tv and sleeping#having vitamins and pills and tea#sounds kinda nice tbh#and since I've started work I've never called in sick or skipped a shift#like my mom was just saying that it could be worse I could be flat on my back with the flu#which is true#and with a cold I can still go about my day and do everything#and it's true#I'd also rather be 100% healthy over christmas yknow#I got a lot of things planned this week#lindsay speaks
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fuck this gay ass town i wanna go home
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good lord the mental illness is rly getting to me 🏃
#im not unloveable People care about me i am valued <- affirmations#good LORDDDD i hate being sensitive and needing attention 24/7 its so EMBARRASSINGGGG#probably gonna go to bed VERY EARLY#just lay down and listen to music and then sleep so early#tomorrow my family goes out of town for like a week without me (which im glad for. dont wanna go with)#and ill be home alone and its going to be great#takes a deep breath about it all#vent#lovely.txt
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goodnight ignore tags i am ok night night
#LITERALLY stop reading thisbbitch right bownlikenakakakakalalalalalalalalalalalalalalaalaallalroooringaaaaruwaitsumademooooootodokanaaaaa#no matter how happy you feel or whatever this household is literally cursed and no matter how much i love my parents they have ruined me#i highly dislike what they've become. it feels like whatever idealized version of them i love is just hanging by a thread if not completely#gone#my mom is a suicidal mess of manipulation and my dad is a stupid abusive alcoholic#both are horrible in their own ways#my mom cant stay home at night and my dad is drunk screaming#last night I woke up with him slapping her while she layed besides me in bed they both literally do not care about me at all#i mean i guess i should be self sufficient now. im 18. i could go with my bf since hes moving but I don't want to.#it seems like no matter what I do everything is out of my control. i think im paying. i think i deserve this. I just wanna die
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Recently every conversation with my mom has left me feeling like a child again
#y'know when you were little and your parents were upset but you wanted to tell them something you cared about and they got angry at you for#being happy and wanting to share it with them#that's been how every conversation with my mom has ended for the last two days#i just empty and emotional but I can't do anything about it cause I'm too small and young to help her#i just have to keep being around her and try to make her feel better#it's hard. it's really hard. i miss my dad#i know she's struggling but she doesn't have to act like that to me#and we had been doing so well before my brother came home and now that he's back at school it's like we have to learn to live together all#over again and I don't want to#i just want to lay in bed and cry#i feel like how I felt in middle school when I would lock myself in the bathroom to cry bc my bedroom door didn't have a lock and my family#would just walk in whenever they wanted to do I cried in the bathroom and it was always while I was crying I could hear my whole family#making fun of me for crying in the bathroom and making jokes about how I was crying again and being dramatic and stupid and it kind of#forever tainted my connection with my own emotions and being brushed off by my mom brings me back to that exact feeling#i wanna lock myself in the bathroom and cry so hard I can't breathe while listening to my parents make fun of me for crying#I'm just having a rough day and I'm stressed and sad and it's the first showing of the play tonight and I'm terrified I'm gonna fuck up#and I just want to have a good day but it's all been sucky so far#i hate it#i wake up happy and then I go to start my day and I talk to my mom and then it's like all motivation is drained from me and I want to just#get back into bed again#:((((
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bruh. i know shit is dire for me mentally when i dont even bother to make a pot of tea for myself on a day off
#crow.txt#just havent wanted to all day. too much work. drinkin git would be too much work#starting like last weekend or maybe the one before i just havenmt been finishing it#so its like why make a whole pot if im not gonna drink all of it#not even cause i dont like it anymore or dont want it its just straight up like. anhedonia. i cant even bring myself to do things i enjoy#everything but laying in bed and maybe writing a little is kinda impossible rn#but i need to put up laundry and unload the dishwasher and continue sorting out stuff around the house . sisyphean#had a little outing with my aunt today and it . kinda just made everything worse unfortunately. which sucks. it shouldve been fun#got lunch at a place i really like but never get to go to. barely ate. have my leftovers for later but idk if ill end up eating them#which sucks cause. really like this place. really like the food. its always closed when im on my way home from work so i never get to go#but i just think about how my godmother and mom have been saying for Years we need to eat there together again. and then we all got too bus#ive been thinking about mom a lot more today than i want to. and lately in general. im sick of this fr i just want to be normal again#i wanna feel pretty alright for one goddamn day man. i got home and immediately just wanted to go back to sleep
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hate when i think to myself "im bored, i wanna watch some youtube" and open the app up only to find i already had a video playing in the background. like what now
#it's the. wanting to go home but already home. wanting to lay down but already in bed. why does this happen#i just want the doing the thing i wanna do to like. WORK#i crave rest but can't truly do that being chronically ill so laying down doesn't feel like Enough#i crave alone time and unwind time but stressors follow me to even my safe home spaces#bc apparently having a phone means you need to always be available to talk to everyone all the time#i crave the dopamine i SHOULD get from doing something fun but no entertainment gives Enough bc i am severely deficient
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