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yoonieper · 3 months ago

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For the Birds— Part 4 | JJK

I want you to stay even though you don’t want me.

♡ Pairing: Jungkook x Reader (feat. Yuri)

♡ Genre: angst, smut, future fluff!

♡ Rated: R for Regret

♡ Series Warnings: Lots of smut (not always healthy), cheating, discussions of depression, this series includes Jk in a pretty toxic environment, degradation (not the sexy kind), manipulation, and overall Jk being in an emotionally abusive situation!

♡ Chapter Warnings: panic attack, lots of bad self-deprecating thoughts, repressed Jungkook makes an appearance once again, masturbation (m + f), use protection (!!!), public sex, oral (m + f receiving), koo is a bj virgin, fingering, unprotected sex (be smart!)

♡ Word Count: 37.9k

♡ Summary: As the son of the CEO at Golden Tech, a marriage was arranged in the name of business. Jungkook really tried to make the most of his situation and be the best husband he could be, but no matter how much he tried, his wife just doesn’t seem to want him. Then you… you came into his life and his eyes couldn’t help but wander.

♡ Now Playing: Liquor by Chris Brown— see masterlist for playlist!

♡ Betas: Thank you so much to @illyrian-book-lover and @mellowladyanchor for reading this part for me! If you’re interested in betaing a future part, dm me! If you're interested in becoming a permanent beta for this series please first click here and refer to 'details about the job' section for more details and dm for any questions you might have! Betas get early access to chapters, so if you're free to help out and can't wait for next chapter, consider joining the team!!!

♡ Author’s Note: I started this thinking it was going to be one of the shortest chapters but 😀 Hehehehehe anyway, get cozy, get some snacks, maybe something nice and warm to drink as well, and enjoy my friends!

No reposting, modifying. Translating is not allowed unless given explicit permission. Thank you so much : D

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It was still too early for him; the sun was barely peeking over the skyline. Businesses were just beginning to flip their signs to open, the sounds of the city were growing louder by the minute— only a soft murmur in the restful city background, and daily menus were just now beginning to be set outside for the few passersby who were walking the streets this early morning.

It was in these initial hours on the first day of November that Min Yoongi arrived at his office. He had an iced Americano firmly grasped in his hand despite the chilly temperature outside. He always preferred the drink in its cooler state, no matter the weather, to quickly wake him up in the morning. It worked enough to get him here, but never as much as he needed it to.

He yawned as the elevator slowly rode up to the floor his office resided on. He still had a few hours before his first appointment, but Yoongi always came early to do menial tasks like office bills or general prep work for appointments. He didn’t have too much to do today, but some important documents he’d been putting off were calling his name.

His eyes lazily drifted over to Secretary Kim’s desk, as they always did, ready to say a brisk “good morning” before heading into his office until the time neared his first appointment.

Yoongi was so out of it this morning. He and Heran were up all night with their little Bora. They both figured more of her baby teeth were coming in and that’s what’s been making their daughter so fussy these days. Heran especially had been a little worried after their third all-nighter, but Yoongi was quick to notice the little bumps in her gums upon further inspection, indicating she was likely just teething. It had been a rough few nights, last night especially, but eventually he was able to get her to fall asleep in his arms after he let his wife go back to bed.

He languidly glanced over at Secretary Kim ready to wave, but her wide eyes quickly caught his attention as she discreetly pointed toward the waiting area. He wasn’t expecting anyone this early but lo and behold was the man he hadn’t seen in seven months.

His big, round eyes were instantly recognizable as they stared up at him when he noticed Yoongi standing there. This was certainly unexpected. He definitely didn’t have Jeon Jungkook booked today.

“Mr. Jeon! What a surprise!” Yoongi smiled as he walked over to him.

Jungkook stood up, and Yoongi took particular interest in the way he shakily shifted his weight from one side to the other. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days and Yoongi could immediately tell something was wrong.

“Hi— I’m sorry for barging in so suddenly like this…” Yoongi could hear the strain in his voice.

“No issue at all, my door is always open.” He smiled but Yoongi hoped he got the point. His door was always open, no matter what the issue might be.

“I— I um… I wanted to talk to you— and… I can come back later if you’re busy, but—” Jungkook seemed fidgety and could hardly look at the doctor, the floor seeming to hold his attention more than Yoongi’s concerned gaze.

Alarm bells were going off in his head. Normally he didn’t take walk-ins like this, but when the circumstances seemed dire, like in today's case, someone’s well-being was always more important than anything else. Something clearly wasn’t right with him, and he still had a few more hours until his first appointment anyway. No harm in this at all.

Yoongi glanced over to his secretary and they both shared the same worried expression before he guided Jungkook toward the door to his office.

It had been seven months since he’d seen him, but Yoongi could instantly tell Jungkook seemed different. As he turned on the lights in his office that fact became more clear. Since the time that they had last seen each other, Jungkook evidently looked more tired, the dark circles around his eyes were prominent, but he did a good job of hiding it in the way his hair had grown to hang lowly over his eyes. Yoongi also thought he seemed paler, like he hadn’t seen the sun in weeks, and he could have sworn his round face had grown more gaunt as well.

Yoongi had hoped that the couple’s absence after their last session meant that good things had come between them. Despite only having one session, he thought that maybe the glaring problems of their relationship had become apparent, and now that they were in the open, they had found themselves on a path to a happy and healthy relationship.

Yoongi wished this meeting had been a reunion of sorts, that Jungkook was coming to visit just to thank him for the session, or to simply catch up, or even just coming to ask for more advice in the long journey of building up their relationship. Any sort of sign, really, to indicate that they were working on the distressing issues in their marriage and that progress had been made in the seven months since they last saw each other.

Unfortunately, Jungkook’s appearance alone was enough to show his optimism had been in vain. And to make matters even more concerning, as soon as Yoongi shut the door behind them, he watched Jungkook haphazardly stumble over and collapse on the couch.

Yoongi hurriedly joined him by his side, his worry soaring to even greater heights seeing Jungkook desperately tangle his fingers through his hair. His grip on the strands was so firm that Yoongi feared he’d pull out the tresses threaded in his grasp. Sitting this close now, he could smell that Jungkook had been drinking, probably excessively too. It wasn’t looking good; time had not been kind to him. If anything, things seemed worse.

His soft whimpers slowly began to fill the growing silence.

“Jungkook…?” Yoongi asked gently as he placed a hand on his back.

“I’m s—sorry… so sorry. I should have called befo—before I came, I’m so sorry.” If it wasn’t already evident in his voice, Yoongi could see his hands in his hair were shaking.

“Like I said before, my door is always open. Did something happen?” Yoongi was trying to be calm, but the memories of their last session came flooding back in a rush and his mind raced with the possibilities of what had made him so frantic.

The question just seemed to make things worse, and like in their last session, Yoongi feared Jungkook was on the verge of another panic attack. Jungkook’s sobs became louder and his breathing grew more shallow with each breath he took.

“Deep breaths, take your time,” Yoongi reassured, gently rubbing circles on his back. Jungkook quickly seemed to listen and tried his best to focus on the doctor’s words.

“Yuri— I—” Jungkook finally released the death grip on his hair and leaned back on the couch, letting his tears flow down his cheeks.

“I cheated on my wife last night.” It was like he had practiced saying this with how clear it was despite the shakiness in his voice. The statement seemed to linger in the air as Yoongi processed his words. He tried not to show his immediate shock at the statement. From what he could remember from the last time he spoke with Jungkook, this was a pretty big deal, which could explain the distress.

“I wish I was coming here to— to tell you how bad I felt about doing it, but—” Jungkook’s lip started to quiver. “I was up all night and I couldn’t stop thinking about it— I should feel bad, I want to feel bad, but…” More tears rolled down his cheeks.

“It just felt so good.”

The confession made it all too real as he looked at the doctor. It made him feel even more like a monster.

Jungkook had spent the night trying to make himself feel bad about his time with you. He’d wandered around the apartment looking at all the pictures littered on the tables and walls of him and Yuri, hoping that would spark fond feelings of their relationship.

If someone visiting their apartment saw the plethora of photos they have sprinkled around the place, it would seem like the couple shared many memories together. But just like their entire relationship, it was merely an illusion.

When they first moved in Yuri had taken on the majority of the work decorating their apartment. She had an eye for interior design. Aside from modeling, she was quite passionate and knowledgeable about the subject— it’s what she originally went to school for before she was scouted and modeling became her main priority.

The place mainly reflected her taste, but she’d ask Jungkook his opinions occasionally on some of her ideas, and he was pretty easy-going, so he just let her have her fun. He also knew how much she enjoyed it, it was one of the things he’d learned on their honeymoon when she confessed her ambition to open her own business someday. It was important to her, and it honestly warmed his heart to see how passionate she was decorating their new home together.

Right before they officially moved in, Yuri had signed them up for a bunch of photo shoots to help fill in the relatively empty picture frames around the apartment. The only memories they had were of their wedding, honeymoon, and a couple of pictures from their dates before they were engaged. Memories, yes, but certainly not enough for a couple who decided to take a leap of faith and get married so young.

Professional photoshoots with the photographer she shot with regularly were a weekly occurrence for about a month. Jungkook had cherished this time since he was still trying to process how uncomfortable things had become after they came back from their honeymoon. That was really the only time they would speak to each other and things weren’t awkward.

Jungkook had hoped that just being in the apartment would remind him of his marriage and ignite the shame that he had just committed a horrible sin, one that could have gotten him killed a couple of centuries ago. And yet, as Jungkook stood there trying to reminisce about all of their fond memories, he was also trying his best to ignore the way his length pleaded for you all over again.

Pathetic… more than that really.

He’d finally grabbed a beer out of the fridge at some point, hoping at the very least he could stop thinking about you and maybe try and get some sleep before he needed to go to work in the morning. The beer didn’t help, it never did. Rather it made his guilt, or his lack thereof, echo even louder.

Jungkook had looked to Dr. Min with the hope that he would be a voice of reason, a slap to the face to make him feel the mortification he should right now.

Jungkook stared at the doctor, just waiting for the look of disgust he was hoping for. He wanted someone to tell him how insane he sounded, how much of a terrible person he was for it. Instead, he couldn’t read the look on the doctor’s face as the words started to process in his mind. It made him that much more anxious. He wanted an immediate reaction, he wanted Dr. Min to scream at him if he had to, but instead, he just looked off in the distance as he never once stopped his gentle massage across his back.

“What makes you say that?” Dr. Min finally asked after the silence started to linger for a little too long.

“I didn’t know— know it could feel that good.” Jungkook’s body instantly reacted to the mention of last night— this morning really. It hadn’t been that long. It was all so clear and got even more so the more he tried not to think about it.

“And what makes you say that?” Dr. Min repeated with a gentle smile on his face.

Jungkook was being vague. Yoongi had a feeling this was a common occurrence, but those details truly mattered right now.

“You don’t have to get explicit, it's just— If I’m recounting correctly, I know the last time we spoke you mentioned that you didn’t have much experience besides Yuri. What was it like then, stepping outside of your relationship?” Yoongi clarified, noticing Jungkook seemed a little confused.

Jungkook turned away as his mind traveled back to early this morning… you, your lips, your hands, your skirt bunched around your waist.

“She touched me.” The words just slipped out of his mouth without much thought. “No one ever did that before.” At least the way you had. As delusional as it was, for a split second he felt wanted, like someone actually craved him as badly as he did for them. It was nonsense, Jungkook just happened to be blessed that night by your unwavering kindness even to someone as pathetic as him in a moment of weakness. But still, he knew something felt different about last night.

Yoongi hummed, remembering that the topic had come up in their session.

“To be honest… Now that I think about it, I never really enjoyed it that much beforehand.” Jungkook stared off into the distance, coming to a revelation that he was aware of but never fully articulated until now.

“Sex?” Yoongi put it bluntly, making Jungkook’s face flush slightly.

He shyly nodded.

“I thought I did. I liked it when she just acknowledged my existence, it would make my day. I wanted anything from her really, but I think when it came to being intimate it just made me feel…” A word bounced around in his head, a sour word he knew spoke true to his feelings whenever he was with Yuri, yet it never materialized enough to explain to the doctor. After a while Jungkook just sighed and gave up, deciding to continue. “I think I just wanted her close. I wanted Yuri to want me, and I feel like that’s when I felt it the most. I craved it so much that I bet I seemed pathetic, but even then, I don’t think I really enjoyed it— not in the same way at least.” Jungkook struggled to fully articulate what he was trying to say, and just hoped Dr. Min could get the picture.

Yuri never touched him like that. She hardly touched him at all. Jungkook had always craved affection, but he’d never known how much he would truly enjoy it until now.

“I’m hopeless, aren’t I…?” This would normally have been a moment he would have tried to laugh at, but his heart hurt so much, he went back to crying.

Why didn’t he feel guilty?

“Jungkook, look… Can I be honest with you for a second?” Yoongi eventually said. He seemed serious.

Jungkook looked over at the doctor, ready for the slap to the face he came for.

“I’m trying to look at this situation as objectively as I can. It’s been a while since we talked and I never really got Yuri’s side when I wanted to speak to you both one-on-one. As much as I probably shouldn’t, I think this is a situation where I need to take my therapist hat off and approach this like I’m just your friend giving you my two cents. Can I do that?” Yoongi asked before he continued.

Jungkook steadily nodded.

Yoongi took a deep breath and one good look at Jungkook before continuing. “You don’t look good.” His words were blunt, but he had a look of genuine concern on his face.

Jungkook’s eyes widened, not at all expecting that to be what he was going to say.

“You look like shit if I’m being honest.” Yoongi reiterated, wanting to be even more straightforward. As hurtful as it might sound, it was the truth. He didn’t even know Jungkook that well and he could clearly see the last few months had not been kind to him. It might have been different if he had no inclination as to why that might be the case, but considering what they’ve discussed so far, plus the fact that he’d briefly met his wife, he already knew a problem he could help advise on. Hopefully a bit of no-nonsense advice might set him on the right path.

“I’ve seen all types of couples come in through those doors, and many more before I got my own office. I’ve helped couples rekindle their relationships that were in horrendous conditions. Some were just minor issues that they needed help mediating and talking through. Others… I’ll be honest and say I’m surprised they even worked out. No relationship is perfect, but as long as there’s love, there’s hope. You and Yuri are a special case. You both never had those feelings at any point of your relationship that I could help remind you of.”

Yoongi had spent some time after Jungkook’s last session contemplating the best advice he could give to a couple who had never properly loved each other. Helping them was basically asking them to build a relationship from scratch, a mission Jungkook seemed dead set on doing, and it might have been possible if their relationship didn’t hold such animosity.

The way Yuri acted in the one session he met her in was honestly unacceptable. Her words were said out of spite, not out of hurt, or even in hopes of betterment— she just wanted to make it hurt as much as possible. Hostile relationships weren’t a foreign subject to him, but it was clear by Jungkook’s panic attack that what he saw probably didn’t even scratch the surface of their relationship behind closed doors.

Yoongi would help anyone who came through his doors, but when he suspected someone was causing more harm than good, and not even trying to make things work, there was little he could do. Being even more honest with himself, he didn’t want to help them. Toxic relationships aren’t good for anyone’s well-being, and it went against the very reason he became a therapist to encourage Jungkook to “stick it out” and hope things get better.

This wasn’t even just toxic…

Jungkook looked like he got hit by a bus, and then it backed up, ran over him again, backed up, and just kept repeating the cycle to make sure they got him. He did not look good, and although he didn’t know Jungkook all that well and there could be many things in his life that might be causing his mental break, he could never forget his face as Yuri spewed those harsh words at him.

What he did know was that she certainly wasn’t helping.

“You and Yuri… I don’t think your relationship is healthy to continue— not now at the very least. I think you need some time to regain your footing before even entertaining the idea of having healthy discussions about your relationship. I never thought I’d say this, but I think the affair could be a good thing for you in some way. Hopefully it might get you to think more about your relationship with your wife and could aid in the overall discussion on whether it should continue.” It was certainly strange hearing that out of the doctor’s mouth. Never in a million years did Jungkook expect that when he came over.

“The fact that you’re telling me you didn’t really enjoy sex in general until last night, that you only wanted it as a way to get close to Yuri… I mean, I hope you know that’s not good.” Yoongi laid it out plainly, hoping he would see the issue.

Jungkook stared down at the ground, seemingly lost in thought. “But it’s all my fault…”

“Jungkook—”

“It’s my fault, everything is. If I was better— fuck, and here I am cheating on her— I— I—” The tears started spilling past his eyes, and Yoongi could tell Jungkook was seconds away from a breakdown.

His hands quickly tangled in his hair, but even with the dark locks in the way Yoongi could still see the way they shook. His breathing grew more shallow, and it was obvious he wasn’t listening to him anymore.

Yoongi quickly leaned over and wrapped an arm around him.

“Take deep breaths for me.” Yoongi softly instructed, but things got worse before they got better.

He wasn’t entirely surprised this was happening, Jungkook seemed off since the moment he first said hello. Things had since escalated, but he feared this attack had started long before he stepped back into his office.

Jungkook seemed panicked realizing that this was happening again. He was almost hyperventilating at this point, but Yoongi was there just like the last time. Jungkook looked at him for help with tears in his eyes and Yoongi made sure he held his gaze as he started taking calm, deep breaths, hoping Jungkook would mirror him.

It was bad, really bad actually. Yoongi was starting to worry Jungkook might pass out, but eventually he was able to catch his breath enough so he could participate in the breathing exercises.

“I’m— I’m so sorry— I’m so—so sorry!” Yoongi was shocked Jungkook was able to talk at all, but unsurprised that he was back to apologizing for something he didn’t need too.

This, this is exactly why Yoongi truly believed their relationship was beyond saving at this point. This wasn’t just a rough patch, and even the word toxic didn’t feel like it was enough either. Abuse— emotional abuse— Jungkook was showing similar symptoms to those he’s treated who came from situations where their partner was verbally abusive, degrading them every day to the point they saw little value in themselves anymore. But this was a huge accusation, one Yoongi didn’t want to share with Jungkook just yet. He didn’t know Yuri or the situation enough to throw that term at her, but Yoongi just knew this relationship was not good for Jungkook in the slightest.

He eventually managed to calm Jungkook down enough to repeat the phrase he told him last time while he went to get him some water.

“It’s okay not to be okay.” Cleverly handpicked from the title of the popular Netflix show many of his patients were familiar with.

Jungkook had calmed down for the most part. They both sat in silence— Jungkook’s soft whines occasionally filled the space along with the crinkling of the water bottle he held tightly in his grasp. It honestly hurt to watch him like this. It’s not like he knew the guy all that well, but Yoongi was always quick to get attached to anyone he looked after… and something about Jungkook reminded him of a stray puppy he found on the street. It was sick and injured, and Yoongi wanted nothing more than to take it home and nurse it back to health. Now, Jungkook wasn’t a stray puppy by any means, but from the meetings they shared he held the same innocence and fragility you might look at a puppy with. He was so broken, young, and had so much going for him still.

It wasn’t even Jungkook’s fault that he ended up in this situation, a crazy expectation was placed on him at a young age in a world that seemed so foreign to the doctor. Yoongi might not understand it, but he couldn’t just sit back and watch Jungkook essentially give up and spiral further and further into a hole he might not eventually be able to pull himself out of.

“You don’t have to answer this if you’re not comfortable; I’m just curious… Who was it with?” The question seemed to linger in the air for a long time. At first, Yoongi thought Jungkook just wasn’t in a talking mood anymore, or maybe he needed to clarify, but eventually he answered.

“She works at Golden Tech… we stayed late last night working on things and…” Jungkook trailed off, letting the silence speak louder than he could.

Yoongi nodded his head, getting the picture. “Was it just a spur of the moment thing or…?” he continued.

Jungkook was quiet for a little while, but eventually, he shook his head as a few tears trickled down his cheeks.

“No… yes… maybe…? I had been thinking about her for a while and… it had been so long since Yuri and I… you know…? We had a fight that morning because of it and… I don’t know, I think I had a breakdown. She was there for me and so warm and—” Jungkook had to stop himself abruptly knowing how strange that sounded. It made him think back to his time with you in his office. His face flushed at the recollection, and Yoongi smiled at him.

“It’s alright. She sounds nice if she was there for you like that. How long have you thought about this?”

“It’s been years— probably since she started working at the company.” Jungkook felt himself getting choked up at the shame of it all. “It got worse as time went on and I saw more of her— it’s one of the reasons I booked Yuri and I for therapy back then— she was in my head too much.”

Interesting.

“Do you have feelings for her?” Another blunt question from the doctor that Jungkook was certainly unprepared for. What he said was so off the wall that it warranted a spit-take like he was in some sitcom. He was left completely unable to process the words that spilled from Dr. Min’s mouth. The question honestly warranted an even more dramatic response.

“W-What?!” Jungkook stared at the doctor.

“You heard me.” Yoongi was both joking and incredibly serious. Feelings would change the whole story.

“It’s not like that,” Jungkook stated confidently. “I was just desperate, and I’m very married. It was just a mistake, a fluke.” He echoed your words from last night. You were right after all.

“A fluke? But didn’t you come in here saying you couldn’t stop thinking about it?” Yoongi pointed out.

Jungkook suddenly got very quiet.

“Okay Jungkook, I’m going to need you to listen very carefully to what I’m about to say— you can do that, right?” Yoongi put his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder to get him to look him in the eye. He hated eye contact, it just made him flustered, but he would do anything to ensure Jungkook was paying attention.

“In all my years as a couples therapist I never thought I’d say this, but I think taking some time apart from Yuri to go out and live your own life might be the best option to go from here. I think you’re not in the right headspace yet to have a productive conversation with her about the issues in your relationship— I think you could use some time apart to clear your head and get your thoughts in order.”

Blunt, the doctor wasn’t beating around the bush at all.

“You need to take some time for yourself and make sure you’re okay before prioritizing your relationship. You’re still so young, you got married really young— I feel like it’s hard to even have those conversations with Yuri when you might not even be sure what you want in the first place. That’s not your fault, but you deserve to take some time for yourself to figure it out.”

Yoongi was still working on how to navigate his own marriage and he specialized in the field. Managing a relationship with the newly added challenge of parenthood was a territory he’d only covered with clients in the past, but experiencing it personally was a completely different story. Even he was still learning to deal with the big change in him and his wife’s life. He couldn’t imagine going through all the challenges of marriage when he was twenty-six, let alone twenty-two. That certainly would have spelled disaster.

“I think these issues run deeper than what I could help you with in couples therapy, and honestly Jungkook, I recommend taking some time to evaluate if your relationship is something you want to continue. I don’t know what happens behind closed doors, so I don’t want to overstep, but I’m seeing a lot of red flags in the way Yuri treats you. No relationship should have you feeling like this, and at the very least, I think some time apart will help you get some perspective and communicate this to her.”

Jungkook continued to stare at him with wide eyes, and Yoongi just hoped he was listening.

“Removing yourself entirely I think should be the first step— focusing on yourself, doing the things you like, and spending time with people who make you feel happy and appreciated would be good for you. It would hopefully help get you back on your feet. However, I know this situation is still complicated.”

“You should tell Yuri what happened last night, your feelings about it, why it happened, etcetera… I know it will be hard, and I can’t tell you what her reaction to this might be, but it’s in the past now, and honesty is the least you can offer her at this point.” Despite his mixed feelings toward Yuri, he still didn’t condone cheating. He’d been on the other side of that story before, and going behind someone’s back and lying might honestly be worse than the act itself.

“It will give her the chance to make her own decision about the future of your relationship. If she doesn’t end things right then and there and doesn’t mention it already, you should say that you need a little space. You can say this was my idea if you have to. But for your sake Jungkook, and for the sake of your relationship, I think you should take a step back so you can have the opportunity to learn and explore exactly what you want moving forward.” This seemed like the only path Jungkook could take at this point. He didn’t know how Yuri would react to this considering they never truly had a relationship, but if she still wanted to work things out, Jungkook needed some time away from her to hopefully give him a chance to be in a better mental state. Then maybe they could have a proper conversation about the future of their relationship.

Yoongi had only turned away for a second during his closing statement, but it was enough that when he looked back, Jungkook’s eyes had fluttered closed, and he looked like he was about three seconds away from dozing off.

“Jungkook, did you hear me?” Yoongi shook him lightly, making Jungkook jolt awake.

“Yes— sorry! Sorry, sorry— fuck, I’m so sorry!” Jungkook was apologizing once again, and Yoongi already felt bad.

“I just, sorry— I hardly slept last night or the night before… I’m running on three hours of sleep from two days ago.” Jungkook tried to laugh it off as he rubbed his tired eyes, but having this moment of calm after everything that’s happened was enough for the need to sleep to overwhelm him.

Yoongi softly rubbed his back again. “You know that’s not good, right?”

“I know, and I have this big meeting later— I’m doomed.” In that instant, the haziness of sleep had clouded his brain. He couldn’t think straight, and he had to present at the meeting later along with you… Jungkook didn’t notice Yoongi’s concerned gaze as he tried to wake himself up.

“You did hear me earlier, right?” Yoongi asked again.

“I did…” He wasn’t lying. His eyes might have closed at some point, but he was taking in every word the entire time.

“What will you do next then?”

“I don’t know.” It was a lot. Too much was happening and he was too tired to really think about what he should do right now.

Yoongi nodded. “It’s a lot, I understand. I just want to make sure you’ll think about what I said.”

Jungkook looked over and Yoongi could see how quickly his eyes had grown red. He looked like he could pass out at any moment.

“I will.”

Yoongi watched Jungkook rub his eyes before he tried to open them up. It looked like it was taking everything in him to keep them open. “Jungkook, maybe you should take a nap before you head out again.” Yoongi suddenly said.

Jungkook blinked a couple of times before turning toward the doctor. “Huh?”

“You can sleep on the couch. I don’t have my first appointment till 12:30, so you can stay here until then.” It was a generous offer, and one he wouldn’t normally make, but he felt it was necessary given Jungkook’s condition.

“That’s really nice of you, but I have work I need to—”

“Mmm, you don’t think your work will be affected if you haven’t slept right in the last 48 hours?” Yoongi interrupted.

Jungkook was about to say something, but the more he thought about it and his eyes continued to sting, the more he knew the doctor was right. Truth be told, Jungkook doesn't sleep much these days anyway. He was busy as it was, but almost any time he got in bed, his head would be swimming with so many thoughts it took forever to fall asleep. However, even then, these last two days had definitely taken a toll on him. If it was any other day, he would have insisted he needed to get back to work, but really, he just had to be there for the meeting later; any other work could be handled at a different point if need be. The doctor was right as well— how could he get anything done like this? Even walking seemed like an impossible task.

“You’d really let me stay?” Jungkook’s voice was soft, but Yoongi noticed he sounded surprised.

“Of course. Rest up.” Yoongi gave him a slight smile before standing up. “I’ll just be over at my desk doing a little work. I won’t be loud.”

Jungkook stared up at Dr. Min with tears in his eyes. He could hardly believe anyone was being this nice to him, let alone after he admitted to cheating on his wife. The doctor didn’t notice, or if he did, he didn’t say anything as he moved over to his desk.

Jungkook quickly whipped out his phone, and after a bit of scrolling, found the person he needed to call. All it took was a few rings for him to answer.

“Hyung…” Jungkook was groggy and hoarse from all the crying. Just the thought of sleep alone was enough to wear him down even more.

“Jungkook? Where are you?” Jimin’s concerned voice was heard on the other end.

“Doesn’t matter— just… I wanted to tell you to let everyone know who might be looking for me, that I’m going to be a little late today.”

“Late? What about the meeting later?” Jimin exclaimed, a little baffled. Of all the days to be late…

“I’ll be there. If Y/n asks—” There it was, the person he tried not to think about at all.

Jimin noticed the pause. “Jungkook?”

“Uh, if Y/n asks where I am, tell her I’ll be there an hour beforehand so we can do our final preparations.” Seeing you again… he was really not looking forward to seeing you again.

“Jungkook…”

He rubbed his sleepy eyes, but nothing he did made them any easier to keep open. “Yes?”

“What’s going on? Why are you going to be late?” Jimin was concerned. Despite the awkwardness that had settled between the pair, Jimin never once stopped worrying about him.

“I just— I didn’t get much sleep last night.” It wasn’t a lie necessarily, but he definitely wasn’t going to tell him the whole truth. He couldn’t tell Jimin just how awful he had become.

There was silence over the line for a little while. Maybe Jimin was expecting Jungkook to continue and elaborate further, but then realized that was all the information he was going to get out of him.

“I see… sleep well then, and try to get here as soon as you can. Things have been pretty hectic today.” Jimin pointed out.

Jungkook lazily chuckled. “They’re hectic everyday these days.” Q4s were always so busy.

Jimin laughed as well. “Alright, see you later then.”

“Bye, hyung.” And with that, Jungkook clicked off the call.

He didn’t notice, but a warm smile had settled on Yoongi’s face. He didn’t have to know who he called, he could tell they were close.

“You seriously don’t mind me staying here? I’ve been told I snore…” Jungkook’s face flushed at the mention of it. Yuri would sometimes kick him awake if he got too loud.

“Sleep!” Yoongi called out as he started looking through his computer.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jungkook sheepishly take off his shoes before grabbing the blanket draped over the couch. He laid down, and it probably wasn’t even two minutes later that Yoongi knew he’d actually fallen asleep. He lightly chuckled to himself before getting started on the work he set out to do. It wasn’t much, but he did come early just to make sure he got it done so he wouldn’t get home too late.

To be honest, Yoongi hardly noticed Jungkook was even there at all. It just felt like the times he’d be working at home and Heran would be passed out on the couch with their daughter sleeping in her arms. But Jungkook wasn’t lying earlier; he did snore. It wasn’t anything too obnoxious, but occasionally Yoongi was reminded someone was in fact in the room with him. Even then, he hardly noticed— again, it was just like home.

Cute.

Jungkook was truly out cold. Last night was overwhelming. First, the whole situation with you sent him spiraling, and then his quest to make himself feel bad about it proved to be a harder task than it should have been.

No matter what good memory he recounted of him and Yuri last night, the thought of you on his desk was like a massive tidal wave that washed any attempts he made to remember his wife back to sea. In truth, he spent more of the night trying not to give into temptation than the thought of any guilt about his actions. He'd already betrayed Yuri enough; relieving the ache for some reason that was a line he couldn’t cross.

These thoughts created a horrible cycle in his mind of “you just cheated on your wife” to then “but it just felt so good” to “but you know how disappointed Yuri would be if you do that” to “but it felt so fucking good” to “you’re an actual piece of shit, you deserve feeling like this.” It had his head spinning.

He was tired and tried downing a beer so he could quickly pass out and he wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. But then Yuri came home— 5:35am on the dot.

She looked good, so good, even with most of the lights off. Yuri had changed from her off-the-shoulder, black, sweater dress into something more relaxing— a cozy black hoodie and gray sweatpants. Yuri was also carrying the tote she used for short excursions that weren’t overnight, but far enough to come back at a time like this— she had to go to and from Busan today. She must have been so tired, and he’d spent the night cheating on her.

Jungkook had been so out of it. He was drunk, very drunk, and he was so tired, but he just couldn’t fall asleep. Maybe he would have reacted better seeing her, but his whole body felt numb when she noticed he was sitting at the dining table.

This would have been the time for him to get on his knees and beg for her forgiveness, but instead he just continued to sit there.

Yuri hurriedly walked over and despite how much the room was spinning, he could tell by her footsteps she was mad.

“Jungkook, are you drunk?!” She exclaimed, but the words were hazy in his mind. The question was redundant, all the empty beer bottles on the table would have given her the answer.

“Yuri… I’msorry.” His words slurred. He bet he looked pathetic. He hasn’t gotten drunk in front of her that often. He never wanted her to see that side of him, or rather, how that other side might act if she did.

The silence lingered in the apartment for a little and maybe if the lights were on, she would have seen his lip quivering before she heard his sobs.

“I’m sorry.” His sad attempt at an apology rang in the air. “I’m so sorry, so sorry, sorry. I’m—”

“What is wrong with you?” She honestly sounded baffled. Through the haziness of it all, he recognized that she likely had no idea what he was talking about.

There were so many things he could be apologizing for, yesterday morning was a great example. Maybe that’s what she thought he was talking about. Or maybe it was the fact that he was drunk. There were just so many things, but cheating on her probably wasn’t where her immediate train of thought went.

“I’m sorry!” He just sobbed out, an apology not for cheating on her necessarily, but because he couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad about it.

Yuri had no idea what was going on, and it was so late. “Get yourself together, please. It’s too late for this and I’m too tired to try and understand you. I’m going to bed and you better figure this out before joining me.” Yuri just sighed, slinging her bag over her shoulder once again before walking off toward their bedroom. The fact she even offered to share the bed was astonishing. He deserved less than the couch at this point.

With Yuri here, it made it all too real how badly he had betrayed her. They were meant to be playing the part of a happily married couple, they were meant to be a happily married couple, but he let his own selfish desires get in the way and now that dream was shattered. Why couldn’t he have just waited? All he ever wanted was to be a good husband to her and yet he couldn’t even bring himself to feel bad about the night he shared with you. He’d cheated and still couldn’t stop thinking with his dick for more than two seconds, instead overwhelmed by the way his whole body hadn’t stopped tingling since he helped you off his desk. He never deserved forgiveness. Horrible. He couldn’t go any lower than this.

He was too drunk to remember when the shaking began, or when it got hard to breathe, but he knew he had to listen to your advice. He needed to talk to someone, now.

Jungkook had looked up when Dr. Min’s office opened, and he was at the door shortly after the secretary got there. She had given him those same sad eyes she did before he left the last time when she saw him stumble into the office.

“Dr. Min will be here shortly…” she had assured him. She could probably see how on edge he was.

To be honest, the whole night was a blur at this point. One minute he was at the dining table, the next he was calling Dae-Jung (who was kind enough to pick him up, despite the early hour and how his words slurred together on the phone), then he was in Dr. Min’s office. It felt like time was passing by without him.

Jungkook never checked the time to know when he fell asleep, but when he felt the gentle touch of Dr. Min letting him know it was time to get up, he knew he hadn’t slept long enough. Just opening his eyes was a task that seemed too much to overcome. He needed eight hours, probably more at this point. He honestly felt worse after waking up than he did before he fell asleep. He hoped it was just the grogginess needing to wear off, but the sounds of amusement from the doctor he eventually realized was sitting on the table right in front of him, were not the best received.

“You might want to fix your hair.” Yoongi chuckled lightly, seeing the long strands sticking up in different directions.

Cute.

His head hurt, his eyes hurt, and he wanted to go back to sleep so badly.

It certainly looked that way from Yoongi’s perspective as well. Jungkook had this grumpy look on his face as he steadily tried to sit up, and his eyes just barely fluttered open so he could see they were slightly red.

“Do you feel better?” Yoongi asked, and Jungkook quickly shook his head.

“I’m not surprised. You really need to get more sleep… If you can, you should take the rest of the day off after your meeting. Give yourself the day to try and get yourself back together.” He suggested. “Doctor’s orders.”

The thought was tempting. The main task he had to complete today was the meeting. Everything else, as far as he knew, could be handled later. But he already hadn’t shown up to work this morning, what would everyone think? What might they be saying right now? Just the thought of anyone thinking he was slacking off made the idea seem selfish.

Jungkook didn’t say anything though, as he tried to muster up any energy he had regained to get up from the couch.

“Oh, and before I forget—” Suddenly Jungkook felt a small piece of paper in his hand. It took a minute for him to realize what it was, but it was similar to the one Yoongi gave him after his last session.

“Please make sure to visit him this time. I may be a therapist as well, but I think he’d be much better to talk to about your individual needs.” Yoongi was almost pleading.

Kim Namjoon. Right, he forgot to do that last time.

“Talk to him please, but if you ever need someone else to just chat with unofficially, you can stop by the office at any time or call me if you need to. You have my work phone, but at the bottom of the note I wrote my personal number.” If Jungkook was a patient, this probably would have been crossing a line, but he hasn’t been an official client since his last session back in April.

This was all unofficial, and it would continue to stay that way until things improved enough that alarm bells wouldn’t go off anytime he saw Jungkook. For some reason, he doubted that would happen anytime soon, at least as long as he was with Yuri.

Yoongi made Jungkook agree to book an appointment soon, and said he’d check up with Namjoon to make sure he fulfilled his promise. They also promised to talk again soon as Jungkook started fixing himself up before heading out.

He was still slightly hungover, but the water he drank earlier helped ease things a little, so the headache wasn’t as bad as what it could be considering how much he imbibed last night.

It wasn’t long before Jungkook was getting a text from his driver that he was outside. 11:43am— an hour and twenty until the meeting and less than twenty minutes till he promised to meet you. He had to hurry and pray the traffic wasn’t bad, he still had to head home to shower and change….

With a swift goodbye, Jungkook was slinging his suit jacket and coat on before heading downstairs.

•────•──────────•────•

The meeting went okay. It was mainly thanks to you though. You were a great presenter, and things all went relatively how you both had planned. But Jungkook could have done better— he hadn’t even needed to talk much, but maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the hangover, or the massive wall of anxiety he practically slammed into that made things so difficult.

Jungkook had given presentations before, many times actually, and while he was always a little nervous, most of it would go away the minute he got up there and he was able to say what he needed to say to get his point across. For some reason, his anxiety was almost crippling this time.

Jungkook had hardly thought about the presentation. So much shit had been happening it had almost been an afterthought. But while he was practicing with you, he was not prepared for the jitters he got as time drew nearer for the executives to come in.

It was even worse when it was actually time. He stood up there with you and he couldn’t stop shaking. The eyes of the executives were too much. It felt like that nightmare all over again. It was like they knew what he did, how terrible and incapable he was, and how he deserved how shitty his life had turned out.

Somehow he was able to cover all the points he needed to, but the shakiness in his voice was embarrassing, and he nearly had a breakdown when he saw their confused expressions staring back at him. He felt bad, so bad actually, because he was ruining this for you.

And you… Jungkook didn’t know what to do seeing you again. As soon as he walked into the meeting room, he was filled with disgust, but also wanted nothing more than to pull you close once more. It was horrible.

You looked so good too, you always did. Your light blue turtleneck was neatly tucked into your white skirt, your signature lipstick was back on display, and your hair was styled nicely as it always was. You were so polished, a completely different look to how he dropped you off last night. And you looked amazing either way in his opinion.

But things were awkward, very awkward as you started your preparations. And to make matters worse, you were mad at him, or at the very least it was obvious you didn’t want to be around him when he finally made it to the meeting room. He saw it for a split second after he walked through the door and you made eye contact. It was a silent moment when you both acknowledged the night before, a moment you both realized that last night had in fact happened— but you were far quicker to move on from it, choosing to stick to the promise made to put the whole thing behind you.

Last night was a mistake, a fluke. It shouldn’t have happened.

The doctor was right that things would be different if feelings were involved, but last night was nothing more than sex. He was horny, sad, and you just happened to be there…. If you both acknowledged it then it would become something, something more than it needed to be. He was married, you were his coworker, and that’s how it needed to stay.

But still, for a moment he wanted to say something. He wanted it to be something, because as much as he knew he needed to try and push past this, last night was still on his mind. Dr. Min didn’t help either. He thought he would give him the slap in the face he needed, but his words stuck to him.

What he wanted? Why did it matter what he wanted? He was the one who needed to fix this, he was the one who messed up. But for some reason anytime he thought about it you would pop into his head. You had been just a taste of the things he hadn’t discovered, and like a veil finally being lifted from his eyes, he could finally see how immense the world he lived in was. But you were forbidden, a fruit he couldn’t have, one he shouldn’t want. All he had was a taste and he wanted more. He wanted you in all the ways possible and to explore a side of himself he didn’t know existed until he was with you that night. The only experience he had was with Yuri, and he barely explored his sexuality outside of his relationship— Yuri making up 95% of his sexual experience and 100% of his relationship experience. He knew he was an amateur going into his marriage, but he never knew sex could feel that good.

He wanted Yuri, he wanted his wife, he wanted to be her husband, but as much as he kept telling himself that, the doctor’s words were back in his head once again and that side he was ashamed of would come out. He wanted you, and it was worse this time— instead of his imagination fueling his fantasy, he had an actual memory to look back on. The more he thought about it, the more the doctor’s words rang in his head.

Would the best thing for his and Yuri’s relationship really be a break from each other? How did that make sense at all? How would he ever fix the mess he made if he wasn’t with her? And then to tell her about the affair? That was just a straight ticket to divorce and failure. The amount of people that would be let down if they knew what he did… it just didn’t make sense.

He had to fix this. He had to fix this. Failure wasn’t an option.

•────•──────────•────•

The next few days weren’t any better. Somehow, it got worse.

He thought things would be awkward for a little while, but eventually you both would fall back into your routine. He thought the memory of that night would fade, and you would just become his coworker again. That mistake, that fluke, it would be like it never happened.

But it did, and he couldn’t forget it. It seemed to be the only thing he could think about these days: your lips, your hands, your body, how it felt to have you right there on his desk.

It should have been a mistake, it should have been a fluke, Jungkook should have been trying his very hardest to push that night out of his mind, to pretend that it didn’t happen, but…

Sometimes he’d think about it too much. His mind betrayed him first and then his body would follow soon after. It seemed to happen every time he was alone. In the shower, in his office, in the gym, there was even this one time you assisted some of the managers with a presentation and he nearly lost his mind trying to keep it together. He completely forgot how to act like a normal person around you. Anytime you were in the same vicinity, the awkward conversations you used to share had downgraded to just standing there and staring at you like an idiot. He didn’t know what to say around you, how to make things go back to the small, awkward, yet friendly conversations you both would share whenever you saw each other in these last few weeks since you’d been promoted.

He was a mess, and his mind and thoughts were muddled by a growing need that just got worse as the days passed. Each time he’d plead for his body to listen to him, to forget about that night so he could focus on Yuri again. There were too many times he had to fight every force of nature to stop himself from giving in. Tears would stream down his face as he thought about you, Yuri, and tried his best not to reach down his pants and fix it.

He never thought it could get any worse than what he went through during those ten months of torture, but in just a matter of days you had him more needy than he knew what to do with.

Yesterday, two days after he had you on his desk, he tried to get Yuri to help him, but he should have known better. Jungkook had been in the shower with tears in his eyes as he looked down and saw what thinking about you did to him. He was trying so hard to be good for Yuri. He’d already betrayed her once, and he didn’t want to do it again, but it hurt so much.

In desperation, he quickly got out of the shower and went to Yuri who was lying peacefully on their bed, scrolling through her phone. Jungkook had tried to be subtle as he got in beside her, his hair was still damp and all. He scooted close and wrapped his arms around her waist. As soon as he was close enough she could feel it, he knew she could. Tears immediately welled up in his eyes all over again when he noticed her confusion before her realization of what was happening. This wasn’t as innocent as pulling her close because he wanted to cuddle, no, his perverse intentions couldn’t have been more clear.

He felt like a monster.

“Jungk—”

“Help— help me— please…” He quietly sobbed into her shoulder. His hips felt like they had a mind of their own, and he started grinding into the flimsy fabric of her shorts.

It was a desperate plea so he could forget about you and finally move on. He wanted Yuri to make him remember that she was his wife, he was her husband, and you were nothing more than his coworker. He would have taken anything, really. He would have done anything to make him forget.

For a moment, she didn’t say anything, she let him have his fun. He was such a mess— his hand slowly ran under her tank top feeling her warm skin while he practically fucked her with their clothes still on. As more time passed, the more he lost himself in the pleasure. He didn’t need long at all; he just wanted it to stop hurting… anything to stop hurting.

His breathy sighs of pleasure filled the room in between the sound of the sheets shifting underneath him. There was a moment he thought Yuri would let him have this, after all, she still thought that it’d been ten months since he’d had the sweet bliss of release. But of course, he was too greedy.

“Yuri…” He sighed in hopes that would be enough to engage her, because even now he was picturing you on his desk. His hand came up to tug lightly on the waistband of her shorts. Two minutes tops and he could forget it all, get his priorities straight, and you were nothing to him again.

“Jungkook, stop! What the fuck are you doing?!” Yuri finally snapped as she turned around to face him. But even then, he still didn’t stop entirely. It was just enough to get him to slow down.

“Please— please— Yuri!” He cried because it hurt so much, and you just wouldn’t leave him alone.

Yuri was quick at gaining the upper hand, and she was on top of him just like that day. She had his hands pinned down and was sitting right where he needed her.

“What is going on with you these days?!” She was disappointed, and he was too. She was right; what had gotten into him? Jungkook just sobbed because it still hurt.

“Help…” He begged like it meant anything. Maybe if he had told her right then and there about the affair she would have assisted. Maybe, or maybe not, but maybe that was what it would take for him to focus on her again. But just like the day this whole mess started, she seemed completely uninterested in helping him.

“No.” She didn’t beat around the bush whatsoever, and maybe on a different occasion, he would have appreciated the honesty instead of leading him on to the point he was a whimpering mess underneath her. It just hurt too much.

Jungkook slightly shifted his hips— it was just enough to elicit a breathy moan from his lips and for the shame he felt all over to wash away in a second.

Yuri looked down at him questionably, he normally wasn’t like this at all.

“If you won’t help, then can I at least— can I fix this myself?” Jungkook looked up at her with pleading eyes.

“Wha—”

“You’re probably tired. You’ve been really busy these days, and I’m sorry I bothered you, but—” Tears slipped down his cheeks as he subtly tried grinding into her a little harder. “I can’t wait. It hurts so much, Yuri— please can I fix this myself…” Jungkook never thought he’d reach this type of low.

First the affair, and now he was begging just because he couldn’t keep himself together long enough to wait until she needed him too. He couldn’t even imagine the disappointment she must be experiencing. Her eyes said as much before she even spoke.

“You can’t keep it together?” Her tone was low, and though Jungkook could sense she was mad, to his messed-up brain it was just more fuel to the fire of desire that was raging out of control at this point. It was hot.

He hurriedly shook his head.

“I feel like I might lose it just from you sitting on my lap.” He cried, tears streaming down his face because that wasn’t an exaggeration at all. He felt so bad. Why was he so pathetic? But at the same time, why couldn’t she see his desperation? He just wanted the chance to be with his wife, the person he should be with instead of his coworker in the middle of the night, at his job, right on the desk he worked on.

Suddenly, Yuri chuckled as she looked down at him. She leaned down so her lips hovered over his cheek. He wished she didn’t have his hands pinned down so he could have tried to push her to meet his lips, but she kept moving up so her mouth was right by his ear.

This angle… Jungkook wished she was wearing one of those tank tops today. The view would have been amazing.

“You really can’t keep it together, huh?” Yuri said again, right into his ear, and he very well could have lost it right then and there.

“No…” He sobbed.

Yuri pulled back slightly so she could look him in the eye.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you Jungkook, or whatever has gotten into that thick skull of yours, but I’m going to need whatever it is out immediately. You operate on my time, you wait until I’m ready. The fact that you can’t do that is just pathetic. I don’t care if it’s been months, I don’t understand how you think begging will do anything— a good fucking husband would know how to wait.” Every syllable was filled with the disappointment and malice he knew he deserved.

His heart wrenched at every word.

“I just— I just didn’t want to make a mistake— I’m sorry.” Jungkook was bawling at this point, his voice shaking uncontrollably. His face was probably red and soaking wet from how much he was crying. But he was lying right through his teeth. He’d already made a mistake, a horrible, terrible one. She had every right to never forgive him if she ever found out. It had only been a few days since he had you on his desk, and even after he had gone to such lengths to quell the ache of the last ten months, in just two days, he was in an even worse state than before.

“A mistake?” She laughed.

“You’re the mistake— agreeing to get married to you was the mistake. I don’t ask much from you, yet you just keep disappointing me. I don’t even know why I still try to do this.” Her grip on his wrists had tightened so much it was starting to hurt. With the look in her eyes, Jungkook felt numb at this point. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t speak. Even if he could utter an apology, it would never be enough for the pain he’s caused her. Every word was true. Yuri was always right.

“But nevertheless, here I am. I don’t want to fight with you today Jungkook. All I ask is that you’ll wait, and until then…” Yuri’s hand let go of his wrist and started tracing from his jaw, down to his neck, over the expanse of his sweater, and eventually settled on the waistband of his shorts. She roughly pulled it before letting go, the pain of the elastic slapping back to his burning skin made an uncontrollable moan leave his lips before he could stop it. His head was spinning, he couldn’t keep up with what was happening anymore, and it was almost overwhelming.

“Stay away from me.” Her voice had grown soft, sultry almost, as she stared at him.

Jungkook felt almost crazed as the tears kept spilling from his eyes, her words loudly echoing through his head, but he was still hard, and he didn’t know what hurt more at this point. He was shaking and had the intense urge to run away and hide from the world, but he wanted nothing more than for Yuri to touch him more. It was selfish and disgusting, he just couldn’t get any worse.

With a hand now free, Jungkook suddenly found the strength to change the position. But before he realized what he was doing, Yuri was underneath him.

“Don’t do that, please.” Jungkook sighed, the position making his body instantly react, but his heart hurt too much to even attempt anything again. “I’ll leave you alone, I just want to make you happy— I’ll do anything, I hope you know that, but just… don’t make this hard for me, please.” Jungkook begged through his teary gaze.

“I’m sorry I want you all the time, but when you touch me like that… I’m weak, you said it yourself.” He tried to laugh through the pain, but he was starting to feel shaky again.

“I just want to be a good husband, but I’m bad at this, so… just…” He was starting to get so choked up that it was hard to speak. “Just… just… just…” Jungkook buried himself in her neck so she wouldn’t have to see how pathetic he was right now.

In the moment he missed you and how you comforted him that night; your hands across his back, your gentle touches that made him feel warm all over. He didn’t deserve it— not then, not now… but he still missed it.

“Go easy on me, please.” He couldn’t believe he had the audacity to say this like they haven’t been married for nearly four years. He’d run out of chances at this point. He should know by now what she likes and doesn’t. Even though they hadn’t spent that much time together, Jungkook knew before he walked out of the bathroom that she wouldn’t like this, that she'd get upset, yet he still tried anyway, hoping she might put him out of his misery.

There was no hope for him at this point. How Yuri hadn’t given up on him entirely was astounding.

“Jungkook, get off of me and stop fucking crying, that shit gets annoying after the billionth time.” Yuri groaned, already feeling her neck starting to get soaked.

He really missed you— even though he didn’t deserve it, but you made him feel so good. He wished he was back to that Tuesday, the day he cried in your arms and took you right there on his desk. He missed you so much.

Jungkook quickly got off of Yuri and the bed entirely. He hastily started making his way to the bathroom once again.

“You better stop that before you—” He didn’t slam the door in her face, but Jungkook was in too much of a rush to let her finish.

With the outside world finally shut out, Jungkook turned on the light, and from where he was standing at the door, he could see himself in the mirror. He was a mess, he looked like shit. His face was red and puffy, his face stained with tears that just kept falling from his eyes, and because he wasn’t wearing any underwear, the prominent outline of the very reason he got himself into this situation was embarrassingly obvious.

Jungkook hated what he saw, so he quickly turned the lights back off. In the darkness, all he could picture was you once again. That night, your soft warmth, your sympathetic gaze. Why did you look at him like that? Why didn’t you see what Yuri did? But he didn’t want to think about that right now, how much his heart ached, or how his mind cried out to the void to end the pain because he was just making his wife miserable. No. Instead, the memory of you on his desk was too vivid. He could practically still feel you wrapped around him, your hands on his skin, your lips on his lips, he couldn’t forget it. He didn’t want to.

Tears spilled from his eyes faster than his hand found its way into his shorts. He hesitated for only a second. Yuri was right outside, and this was so wrong. He’d just disappoint her even more than he already has. As shameful as it was, that hesitation only lasted for a second before he hurriedly had his fingers wrapped around his length as he steadily started pumping his needy cock.

“I’m— so sorry!” Jungkook cried out as quietly as he could. Just one big disappointment. But you, your lips, your hands— fuck, your hands. Your fingers through his hair, your nails down his back, your hand around his cock. It never felt like that before. Jungkook didn’t know it could feel like that— sex never felt like that. Not with his first, not with Yuri, but you… you… why couldn’t he stop thinking about you?

Jungkook hurriedly brought his hand over his mouth, the memories of when he used to do this returning all too quickly. He’d always wished Yuri would touch him, but that was selfish. The fact that she was even spending time with him should be enough. Yet you had touched him, and he didn’t even have to ask? You were strange, but as selfish as it might sound, he liked it.

Jungkook let himself slide down the door, the pleasure his hand was bringing made his knees weak. As much as he wanted to deny it, he wanted you again. He wished you were here right now to help ease the ache in both places. Would you, considering everything that had happened?

Jungkook hurriedly tried to shake those thoughts out of his head. No, you were back on his desk in his office. You noticed he was upset and came over to comfort him and make him feel better in any way you could. Your lips were on his, he was kissing you again and—

Fuck.

Jungkook briskly let go to quickly spit in his hand before hastily going back to fisting his length. Faster, he needed to make himself cum as fast as possible. The shakes were getting worse. He felt horrible, a failure, a disappointment, every flick just made him feel so fucking disgusted in himself, but it hurt too much to stop.

You on his desk, how it felt to have your hand wrapped around him, how it felt to be inside you—

There it is.

Jungkook let his mind reminisce in as much detail as he could remember. How it felt to finally be inside you, the sounds you made, how wet, tight, and warm you were— so fucking good. He wanted you again so badly, it should be criminal. He was married and he already messed up once, yet he couldn’t stop thinking about it— you on the desk, your fucking sweet pussy wrapped around his aching length.

Close, he was getting close.

Jungkook brought his other hand up to tightly hold it against his mouth once more. His moans were getting too loud and he feared Yuri would hear. He tried to speed it up even more. All he needed was a little longer.

You, your hands, your lips, your warmth, your bunched-up skirt, your thigh-highs, your panties, your red lipstick smearing across his face. Oh. So close.

And then, at last, the feeling deep down inside growing and growing until he finally spilled inside of you—

…

Wait… what?

Jungkook’s eyes suddenly shot open, the haunting darkness of the bathroom now an unwelcoming sight. An immediate, deep, visceral sense of panic and dread sunk in as he racked his brain in hopes he was overreacting or misremembering.

Jungkook had tried to push the memories of that night as far away as possible over the last few days, but now that he was thinking about it properly…

That day… you both hadn’t used protection.

It’s not like he walked around with condoms, he had no need, but…

Suddenly the ache that seemed deafening became just a muffled, dull, fuzzy noise in the background as this realization dawned on him.

How? How did he not realize you hadn’t used protection? No matter how needy he was with Yuri, he was always so careful in the rare times they went all the way. How did he fucking forget?!

Jungkook suddenly had the urge to run into a wall and hoped he would never wake up again. This entire week had already turned out to be one horrible nightmare. But as if his life wasn’t shitty enough before, suddenly it took a whole new turn.

The shaking came back and was worse than ever. He was at a point where he was sure he would scream his lungs out, but Yuri would hate the noise. Jungkook felt dazed, the realization was the quickest way to kill the mood, and the fastest he’d ever lost a boner.

After a while, he somehow found the strength to stand up again and open the door to the bedroom. Yuri had turned off the lights here too. The only light coming in was from the few that were turned on in the hallway and Yuri’s phone playing some type of video. It also didn’t take long for him to see that she had fallen asleep.

For a split second, he was sad she wasn’t awake. He needed someone to talk to, even if that involved telling her about the affair. He felt like he was seconds away from losing his mind. He probably already had at this point. How could he fucking forget protection?!

Despite his shakiness, Jungkook went over to Yuri’s side— the right if you were facing the bed— and walked over to turn off her phone.

She had a makeup ASMR video playing. Those always helped her sleep and she said she could learn a few things from them while she was awake. As gently as he could, he also took out her headphones and set them on the nightstand. His hands had been shaking so badly that he could hardly pause the video for her.

But as Jungkook made his way to his side— the left— the weight of his actions became even more unbearable.

Jungkook lifted the covers and got in bed, laying face down on the pillow. The fabric was soaked by his tears in a matter of seconds.

How could things just keep getting worse?

•────•──────────•────•

You knew it would be awkward when you came into work. It was inevitable, considering what things were like the last time you saw each other. However, for your sake and Jungkook’s, you tried your best to ignore what had transpired and move on with your life, but that was easier said than done.

The minute Jungkook dropped you off and you made it back up to your apartment, you were stuck in place as soon as you closed the door behind you. Time felt like it stood still and nothing around you moved, like space itself had stopped in order to greet you with an agonizing silence. It was to taunt you and let the thoughts of what you had just done fester, quickly gnawing away at your sense of self and your very being, leaving you to question the type of person you thought you were for your entire life. You couldn’t move, trying to process everything that happened. This couldn’t be real, right?

This was Jeon Jungkook we’re talking about— the Jeon Jungkook who was the son of the CEO at the company you work at.

You pinched your arm so many times you were sure it was going to bruise in your attempt to wake yourself up. You were probably still fast asleep in your cozy bed, stuck in a dream that just wouldn’t end. Your sexual frustration had somehow managed to manifest into you dreaming about your late night meet-up with your boss ending with you sleeping together. All would be fine in the morning except for the fact you’d have to look him in the eye, knowing what your brain had conjured up the night before. It was embarrassing, but that honestly made more sense than everything being real and this night actually happening.

You were sure you’d wake up at any moment, but your arm started to hurt, and you knew standing here probably wouldn’t do anything. You finally found the strength to move from the entryway and head to your room to start getting ready for bed. You showered, then laid down staring at your ceiling, just waiting for your eyes to shoot open and you’d see it was Tuesday, October 31st, all over again.

Nothing… nothing happened.

While the seconds ticked away, your hope was drowned out as you let your mind reminisce about what had happened earlier. The minute you opened the door, you could just see it on his face. He had looked so sad, a pain behind his eyes that made any sense of composure you maintained in front of him come crumbling down. You felt like you had to fix it. Your heart had nearly pounded out of your chest when you got close, holding your coats and his scarf. You didn’t know what you were thinking, pulling him close the way you did, but then his hands were on your waist, and— You flipped over, feeling your face grow warm.

But that didn’t help whatsoever, because it was like a floodgate had opened, and now you remembered how his lips felt against yours, his hurried hands across your burning skin, and most of all, how his… You spent nearly the entire night tossing and turning, bouncing back and forth between your guilt and shame for somehow getting yourself involved in this situation, to Jungkook and his stupid…

There was a scary part of you that was selfish, one that wished you had invited him upstairs. It had been so long since you’d been in the arms of another human being, that you forgot how much better the experience was. You’d never had sex like that before— it was desperate and emotional in a way you still couldn’t comprehend. The way Jungkook had held onto you, with tears streaming down his face, kept you close. You felt it in the way he kissed you, pleaded for you, the way he touched you. The way he touched you… it had been so long.

Your tossing and turning had stopped at some point, your fight trying to get Jeon Jungkook out of your head had been lost, hard. The ache between your legs returned before you even realized, and no matter what you did, you couldn’t stop imagining the way his body felt against yours, his fingers inside you, or the slick glides of his cock through your wetness.

It was just Jeon Jungkook no matter how hard you tried to close your eyes. You were too tired to fight against your hand traveling down into your shorts, and you nearly cried feeling how wet you were. It was a low moment, the entire night had been a low moment for you, but you let the thoughts fully consume you as your fingers glided between your soaked folds and settled on your clit, rubbing needy circles over the bud that was still a little sensitive from earlier. It was a horrible realization, but that just made your deluded self even more hot. It had been real.

You pictured him, you pictured the night you shared, you pictured the nights you didn’t share where he was just existing in your vicinity. You had no idea this part of you existed, the one where you thought Jeon Jungkook was so hot he could get you this riled up. You had known he was attractive, you had eyes, but the emotions had never let you see him like… that. The soft candle glow that had painted him so prettily, the way his sparkling eyes would look at you, how much you enjoyed the way he looked at you.

“Jungkook…” You whined with seemingly no shame. It was embarrassing, but you had never finished so fast with just your fingers. For a split second, as the bliss washed over you, you found yourself wishing he was here and questioning why of all people he had to be married. But as the high washed over you, all that was left in its wake was the starkness of shame. The guilt you felt as you tried bringing yourself back to earth. You had slept and now masturbated to a married man… Jungkook had a wife, and he was your boss. You thought you were better than this.

Your eyes had filled with tears, and you spent the rest of the night crying your eyes out because what was wrong with you? You might have just ruined a family— your boss’s family, and who knows what might happen to you career-wise if someone were to find out.

You didn’t really sleep that night; you highly doubted you even got an hour before your alarm went off, and you had to get ready. That day was awful. As you expected yesterday, both Solmi and Taehyung didn’t come into work, probably too drunk from their night of fun to realize their alarms even went off. There was some part of you that was glad they weren’t here. You had been debating all night if you should tell your close friends about your night, but their absence was enough to remind you of your words to Jungkook last night.

It was a mistake, a fluke, it shouldn’t have happened, and you wouldn’t tell another soul so you both could easily pretend like nothing occurred that night. And seeing Jeon Jungkook again…

Jimin had told you that Jungkook was going to be coming in late, and you couldn’t help the terror that spread throughout your body picturing why that might be. Your mind had drifted to the image of him on his knees begging his wife for a second chance, or maybe she’d kicked him out of the house, or maybe she was going to come after you for ruining their marriage. It felt like every scenario had run through your head by the time you had made it to the meeting room, waiting on him.

You weren’t prepared at all when you glanced up from your computer at the sound of the door opening, for you to see him again. Your eyes met from across the room, and there was a second, a painful second where your minuscule amount of hope last night had just been a horny delusion that you could simply chastise your brain for making up later, died faster than you would have wanted. You could see it in the way his brows furrowed at you as soon as he met your eyes, that you knew last night had happened.

He looked really good too… He was in a navy suit, missing a tie, instead a few buttons were undone, and his long hair messily fell around his face in a way that made him look ethereal. He looked like he had run his hands through it one too many times, yet somehow it just made him seem even more perfect. You swore you heard the pearly gates calling your name, the church bells sing, and… You wanted to scream. What were you thinking?! Immediately you decided to just try your best to ignore it, pushing him away was your only option in hoping things went back to normal— they needed to go back to normal. He had a wife, you had your career, you had to pretend it never happened.

That’s how it needed to be after all. That day was a mistake; it shouldn’t have happened. The more you pretended it was that way, the easier it would be to move past this, the more you could forget, and the quicker things would go back to normal. But deep down, when you were alone, or you’d see him again— doing that was much harder than it needed to be.

That night would come back to you in a flash. You’d wonder if he was doing okay, was he thinking about the night like you were, or were you just another girl he added to his roster of infidelity? You highly doubted it, just seeing the state he was in you didn’t think this was a normal occurrence, but who knows. There was some part of you that wanted to ask, however you had to keep your distance— at least, that’s what you kept telling yourself. You knew it was a little rude to almost flat-out ignore him like that, but addressing it would create an even bigger issue. So mean, rude, standoffish Y/n it was then.

You could still feel his eyes on you anytime you were near each other. Part of you wanted to say something, but for some reason, you could never find it in yourself to tell him to stop staring. You were still mad. This whole thing made you angry and you knew your friends could sense the tension. Everyone in the office could but they probably didn’t question why. They all still thought you hated him after all.

You did… didn’t… you…? It was confusing then and ten times more confusing now. Still though, you tried to keep to yourself and ignore what happened. You thought you were doing a good job of it until you got an email that Friday.

From Director Jeon Jungkook,

can we talk??

It was informal, nothing about work was mentioned, and it was all too familiar with the Jungkook you had met during your late-night rendezvous… meeting! Yes, you were only there for one reason that night, and it was to get things ready for the budget presentation. Maybe this was his attempt at trying to be more comfortable with you. He did say all the formalities felt weird considering you were the same age. That had to be it!

As much as you wanted to delude yourself, deep down you knew whatever he emailed you for had something to do with that night.

You let him know you’d come over during your lunch break, resisting the urge to tell him you didn’t want to talk about it. But you figured it had to be at least somewhat important for him to reach out. It better be. What part of pretending nothing happened between you two did he not understand?

That’s how you found yourself making your way through the halls to Jeon Jungkook’s office. You tried to be as inconspicuous as you could, turning every corner with ease and looking around anytime you’d hear footsteps behind you. Just being in the same vicinity made you feel like someone would find out what you both did.

Your brain had rationalized that being seen together would surely be the obvious sign to everyone that you fucked your boss a few days ago. It made no sense whatsoever, you knew that, but still, you made sure to be as stealthy as you could on your way over.

You hoped no one saw you, and you were especially grateful when you passed Secretary Yu’s desk and she wasn’t there either. If you could make this quick, no one would realize you were ever here.

Staring at the door, you found your heart beating out of control at the thought of facing him again. You knew you weren’t ready for this, you probably would never be, but it was still so soon after it happened…

It took you a second, but eventually you found the strength to knock before pushing open the door.

You were greeted by a similar sight as last time. His office was almost completely dark. He had kept the lights off and closed the blinds so only a sliver of light was peering into the room through the cracks. You could only make out a vague outline, but as your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you could finally make out Jungkook sitting at his desk. You could see his hands were in his hair, and the more closely you listened, the more you could hear his soft sniffles. Your first instinct was to run over to see what was going on, but you refrained as you steadily made your way over, only narrowly avoiding any furniture in the way.

“Jungkook?” You called out, your heart nearly speeding out of your chest.

“Y/n…?” His voice sounded so strained.

“Yes, it’s me.” You tried to keep your tone flat, but it wavered slightly as you got closer.

With the confirmation it was you, Jungkook reached over to the lamp on his desk and finally turned on the light. You were shocked to see how disheveled he looked once the warm glow of the lamp hit his features. His hair looked like he had run his hands through it way too many times, his eyes were shot, his face was red, and tears stained his cheeks.

Seeing him like this, it was hard to keep up your tough exterior. You quickly made your way over to his desk, keeping a notable distance between you two— standing behind the chairs sitting in front of his desk. You feared what might happen if you got any closer.

“Um, you asked to speak with me.” This is how you’d usually talk whenever he’d call you to his office. Part of you was still holding onto the hope that this was just work related.

You watched as a whole new wave of emotion seemingly hit Jungkook, fresh tears falling from his eyes as his hands returned to his hair.

“I—um— I know we said we weren’t going to talk about that night, but… um—” Jungkook tried his best to be firm about this, but his whole world felt like it was coming down. He couldn’t sleep last night thinking about having this conversation with you, and now that you were here, it all felt too real.

“… I don’t remember using protection that night.” Jungkook was only able to meet your gaze for a second, long enough to see the look of shock on your face.

A whole new wave of guilt washed over him. This was all his fault.

“I know I didn’t have condoms with me, and unless you did and I didn’t realize you put one on, then…” Jungkook looked like he was pleading with you to tell him he forgot, that he was just so out of it he didn’t realize you had put one on some time in between. He had no reason to carry any with him personally. It’s not like he was expecting Yuri to fuck him in a place where he’d need to have them on him at all times— hell, they hardly used the condoms they kept at the apartment. Jungkook had never even managed to make it through a whole box without needing to replace them first because they’d expired.

Still though, they were always so careful whenever they had sex. Jungkook spent the entire night mind-boggled at how he could have been so careless with you. And now, because he couldn’t control himself, there was a chance he might have ruined both of your lives. His own life was already shit, but now he might be bringing you down with him. He already had, but somehow the pit only grew deeper.

You sighed at the question— slightly relieved this was going to be easy to answer.

“Don’t worry.” You remained apathetic, not exactly the emotional breakdown he expected considering the gravity of the situation. All night Jungkook had pictured that the minute he’d tell you, you would scream and curse at him for being so careless. It was almost uncanny how calm you were in comparison. You used the exact same tone whenever you’d talk to him about work, in the office when you had a quick question, or in front of the prying eyes of your nosy coworkers, like it was the most nonchalant thing ever.

While your words were soothing, he couldn’t calm down quite yet.

“I’m on birth control, so as long as you’re clean we should be fine.” It took a minute for your words to register, but an immediate flush came to his cheeks. He completely forgot about birth control or that ever being a possibility of the invisible contraceptive he had prayed all night for. He felt even more embarrassed that he hadn’t considered you had some type of plan that night. Of course, you were smart, you wouldn’t let someone so pathetic ruin your life.

You watched his face, and you were honestly delighted to see a slight look of relief quickly settle over his soft, saddened features. You tried your best to hide it.

“Oh— I’m sorry. Of course you thought about it— good. We should be good then.” His voice was shaky, and while his words said one thing, he still seemed stressed for some reason as his hands were quickly back in his hair.

Again, you had to resist the urge to ask him if he was ok. Distance, you had to keep this boundary up. You needed to get out of here.

“If you’re concerned about the other issue, I’ll make sure to pick up a morning-after pill or something on my way home just to ensure we’re fine,” you added, and he slowly nodded. Honestly, even if he hadn't said yes, you probably would have gone anyway just to be safe. You should have done it sooner, but you completely forgot about that detail while trying to push Tuesday out of your mind.

“It’s up to you…” He mumbled, but he still seemed off. You had to get out of here.

“If that’s all then, I’ll be on my way sir—” You bowed, trying to be as polite as possible, before turning around and heading for the door.

“Wait!” You couldn’t even take two steps before he was calling you back. You visibly tensed up as you slowly turned around. You were greeted with his shiny brown eyes finally meeting your own for the first time since you walked in. Suddenly you felt your knees start getting weak. There was no reason for him to look at you like that.

“Don’t leave… that’s not all I wanted to say…” You could see in the way he looked at you that this was going to be the conversation you feared when you walked in. You resisted the urge to mention that you both agreed not to speak about it, but instead you just crossed your arms, ready to listen.

“I— um… I owe you a major apology…” He stumbled and his hands were back in his hair.

“That night— I don’t know what was wrong with me— it shouldn’t have happened, you were right.” He stopped for a second, and you wondered what he was trying to get at. What more was there to say? It really shouldn’t have happened.

“But…” Jungkook’s voice wavered as he looked up at you. “I’m even more sorry that despite how wrong I know it was I—” he took a deep breath “I can’t stop thinking about that night.” He truly felt bad. Here he was, trying his best to put his mistake behind him, yet all it did was fill his thoughts. Where was the guilt? Why wasn’t he so ashamed that just the thought of you was enough to remind him of what he’d done?

He saw your hard expression falter for a second, but it was back before he even realized. Jungkook felt like he was at his wits end. Everything was crashing down, and he didn’t have much to lose at this point.

“And now all I can think about is…” tears quickly filled his eyes knowing what he was about to say “— how I want to do it again so, so badly… it had never felt that good before.” It was a sad, deep, dark confession that he hated as soon as it came out of his mouth. Admitting it was nice was one thing, but wanting to do it again was another.

Maybe you could excuse that night as a one-time thing— he was a mess, you both had some wine, and shit happened before you both could even realize. It was nonsense, Jungkook didn’t drink nearly enough to say he was acting against his own volition, and it wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision either. He had thought about having you against every surface in the office before anything actually happened. He’d wanted you nearly as long as you’d worked here.

Jungkook finally had to look away from you as his words settled in the air.

“Jungkook… you know what continuing, even just acknowledging what happened— you know what that would mean…?” You were honestly baffled and you hated the way your heart nearly beat out of your chest at the mention of it.

“Yes.” It was so quiet, and with the faint glow of his lamp you could see a new wave of tears start running down his cheeks.

“That night— it was all my fault...” His voice was shaky just thinking about it.

“I told you that I’m in an arranged marriage and that things are rough right now… it’s my fault, everything is my fault.” It certainly was.

“Despite the circumstances we got married in, we both agreed to try to make our relationship work, and I’ve just kept messing things up no matter how hard I tried to make her happy.” It’s been nearly four years and he could probably count on one hand the number of times he’d made her smile.

“She hates me, and I don’t blame her at all— I honestly deserve it and more.” He deserved far worse at this point.

“Why would your wife hate you?” You couldn’t help but ask, but you regretted it as soon as it left your mouth. The fact you had somehow found yourself in this situation proved that something wasn’t right. But the question had bounced around in your head for the past few days, wondering what might be splitting the couple to the point Jungkook sought you out for relief.

He looked at you for a split second. “I don’t know how to be a good husband. No matter what I do, I don’t know how to make her happy like I should.” He attested with a level of pain in his voice that you weren’t prepared for.

“Jungkook…” You were speechless… a deep, unsettling, uneasy feeling spread throughout your body as you listened. You had zero insight into the situation, but despite everything, it felt wrong to hear him be so down on himself. It was heartbreaking to listen to.

“I don’t think you deserve to be hated—” You tried to console, but Jungkook stopped you before you could finish.

“No… she deserves a better husband— a different one— someone who can make her happy, and I should just… just disappear— I can’t do anything right.” He tried to laugh but it just came out like a pained sob. It wasn’t funny and he couldn’t even pretend to laugh at that anymore.

“Jungkook—” You called out again, but he stopped you in your tracks.

“I hope you believe me when I say that that night was the first time something like that happened.” His shiny eyes looked up at you again, and you could have broken down right then and there. The pain, you could see it so clearly.

“I despise cheating and the fact that— that— that night happened, I just—” He couldn’t be more disappointed in himself. He’d forever tainted his marriage, just like his parents had done.

Even if Yuri never found out, the fear of her somehow discovering what he did one day… the guilt would kill him. Their anniversary was coming up in a few months— how could he look her in the eyes and relive the moments of their wedding day knowing he betrayed their vows, her trust, knowing that she had every reason to leave him?

Maybe one day he could finally get his shit together and Yuri could love him the way he’d always dreamed, but that would all come crashing down one day when she somehow found out what he did.

Jungkook at least thought he was above that. The one thing he knew he could promise Yuri was that he’d always be by her side, faithfully and earnestly, yet he’d found a way to fuck that up too.

There really was no happy ending for him, was there?

“I’m sorry— it shouldn’t have happened, and I feel horrible bringing you into my mess.”

You wanted to say that you were equally to blame, but Jungkook was faster.

“And— and I just… I’m sorry— we agreed to try and move on from this but I just can’t stop thinking about you and that night and—” It wasn’t even funny how much he thought about you. Right before you walked in, he had the lights off to hide his shame because even in the middle of what he thought was a crisis, all he could think about was you on his desk. And seeing you now standing in front of him…

“I’m sorry…” Jungkook just cried. He really didn’t have the words to describe how he felt right now.

“I spoke to a therapist about it.” Jungkook could instantly see the slight panic on your face at the mention of him telling someone about this. “I took your advice from that night about talking to someone. I really wasn’t in a good place at all, and if I hadn’t, I think I might have gone crazy. He was supposed to help me and Yuri with the issues in our marriage, but he’s helped me with more than just my relationship. Don’t worry. Yuri won’t find out.” Jungkook had full trust that the doctor wouldn’t tell Yuri about the affair. Even though their conversation wasn’t protected by doctor-patient confidentiality, he still knew the doctor wouldn’t say anything. He was expecting that Jungkook was going to tell her on his own time.

You were a little taken aback by the news, but your memory of that night was clear. You knew when you parted ways that he really didn’t seem okay. The fact that it was a therapist he confided in made you relax a little.

“I went to him for a slap on the face, but instead he said— he said I should consider stepping away from Yuri for a little while and take the time to try and figure out what I want in life. But I can’t— I want her, and I want to make our marriage work somehow.” Jungkook was in tears again. He didn’t want to give up on his marriage yet. He couldn’t give up, so many people were counting on him to make this work.

“But I can’t think straight. I’m always so frustrated and you’re always in my head— I know I could be better— it’s not an excuse, I should be better, but—” What was he even saying?

“That night was— it never felt that good before— you were there for me, and despite how much of a mess I was, you—” Why? The question had never run through his head until now, but what could have possibly been your reason for being there with him that night? You were too nice. His thoughts were running a million miles an hour. He honestly couldn’t think clearly anymore.

“And your clothes— I’m sorry about that, I’m so sorry— it had— it had been ten months since I last, you know… but that’s not an excuse. I’m sorry, I should have been better.” He should have been. Imagine how disappointed Yuri would be if she knew.

“Ten months?” This conversation had gone all over the place, but you couldn’t hide your shock at this piece of news. You had just let him rant, not wanting to interrupt to give him the chance to get whatever he needed off his chest, but you just couldn’t hide your reaction.

Ten months was certainly not normal, especially considering he was married and had no kids to take up his free time after work. Suddenly, things started making a little more sense.

“It’s my fault— it’s all my fault— I’m not a good husband, I should have been able to wait longer if I had to— or maybe she would have wanted me sooner if I was better.” If he was better he wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place.

There were some things that Jungkook said that made your skin crawl. It was possible his whole spiel could be some convoluted way into excusing what happened between you two, but then he said statements like that that would make alarm bells go off in your head. That certainly wasn’t right.

“But I want to be better. I want to make things right, and I just feel like I can’t do that when all I can think about is—” Jungkook didn’t finish, instead letting a pained sigh say everything he couldn’t.

“And I know it’s pathetic, but I wanted your help—” There it was, what’s been on his mind since that night. “Maybe you could tell me what I could do better— how to make her happy, what I’m lacking. And I just can’t stop thinking about you—” He looked up at you with those shiny, round eyes that made it so hard to say no.

And there it was, exactly what you feared when you walked in.

So much was happening, so many emotions thrown at you that you were tempted to take a seat in the chair in front of you to sit down and process it all. You tried your best to remove all emotion from this, to look at this as objectively as you could, but with Jungkook right in front of you and hearing everything he said—

You knew something was wrong from the minute you walked into your first meeting together, but you could have never predicted just how bad things were. You had no idea what went on behind closed doors. Maybe things really might be as bad as Jungkook said, but the hurt, pain, and desperation he spoke with made the wall you tried putting up impossible to keep from crashing down.

It took you back to Mi-Sun once again. You remembered talking to her in class sometimes and how she would spin every inconvenience into her doing. She always emphasized how it was her fault the other girls would tease her as much as they did. You didn’t understand it then, but Jungkook’s admissions almost felt like a repeat of what happened all those years ago, and you knew how that story ended.

“It’s my fault.” She had said so aimlessly as she stared out the window you both sat by.

“How is it your fault?!” You’d questioned, maybe a little too harshly. You couldn’t believe her words, considering you knew she had never done anything wrong. The girls were rude, you had no idea why, but Mi-Sun had been their target since you both made it to high school.

She should have known this, and it just made you angry. “They’re the problem, they have always been the problem. They’re rude just because they can be, and for some reason, no one is doing anything to stop it, and—”

“Y/n, just look at me!” You had turned to your friend, her eyes teary, and you should have seen it sooner. “It’s all my fault.” She softly cried before you pulled her into your arms.

You didn’t see it then, and the way Jungkook spoke now made you feel like you were back in high school, in class, right by the window you both would always sit by as Mi-Sun stared out, the light shining in her eyes growing dimmer as each day passed.

“Jungkook… you know what continuing would mean…” You looked at him worriedly.

You saw the tears run down his cheeks again as he slowly nodded his head.

“If anyone were to find out about that night, we could maybe just say we had too much to drink, it was late, or you could even mention your breakdown. Doing anything more would truly turn this into cheating. We’d have no excuses at that point.” Your eyes were sad as you noticed his expression grow more pained.

“And since you’re still trying to make things work with your wife— I just don’t think that’s the smartest idea. If we leave things where they’re at now, it would give us our best chance of going back to normal and putting the whole thing behind us.”

You could see the consequences coming from a mile away. You knew there would only be trouble going forward. You certainly weren’t a homewrecker by any means. You didn’t want to be the reason things came crashing down.

Jungkook steadily nodded.

“I probably look pathetic right now— I’m sorry, I don’t want you to think I’m forcing you or anything considering—” Jungkook was your boss… or well, technically your boss’s boss, but the dynamic was still a little strange. It was all strange. This whole situation was strange.

But it felt like you were with Mi-Sun all over again. You didn’t see the signs then, but Jungkook was right in front of you. You had the chance to help someone in a way you couldn’t help your friend in high school. What might happen if you just walked away from this now? A repeat? Or maybe something even worse.

“You don’t look pathetic, and I know you’re not forcing me… it’s just… things are going to get really complicated if we decide to do this.”

The vagueness of your statement was intentional— it’s not like you were saying no, because you weren’t. You really didn’t want to get involved in this, but seeing Jungkook so low… You didn’t think he was pathetic, however hearing him rant like this was just painful. Things weren’t right, and finding out your night together made him feel even the slightest bit better made you want to help him in any way you could. You hated seeing the dark cloud storming over him and his sad, tired gaze anytime you’d meet his eyes. It was difficult to watch, and as reckless as it was, you wanted to do anything to take away his pain just like you had wished you could’ve taken Mi-Sun’s pain away.

Jungkook visibly picked up on the fact that you didn’t outright say no, and part of you hated seeing the glimmer of hope in his eyes. This really was a bad idea to even entertain the idea of continuing, but at the same time, it was nice to see his gloom wash away, if only for a second. But that moment only lasted for a second before his expression suddenly changed into something darker, somehow even more disturbed.

“I promise I'll be good.” It was an odd choice of words that immediately caught you off guard.

“I’ll stay in line, I won’t ask for anything in return. I’ll wait until you want me. I promise I’ll be good, I promise.” It was his last-ditch effort to convince you. He was almost pleading with you. You couldn’t help but look at him strangely, wondering what he meant by that.

“I’ll be good— I have to be good— I don’t want to disappoint you either.” Things had truly taken a turn. Jungkook's expression grew more pained by the second, the cloud that hovered around him stormed with a concerning ferocity.

“I’ll be good— I promise— I promise I’ll wait.” Jungkook was slipping off an edge you didn’t see coming. The tears so easily slipped past his eyes, an uneasiness behind his desperate gaze. For some reason, you knew deep down this wasn’t coming from nowhere, especially after hearing his rant earlier…

“What do you mea—” But you couldn’t finish your sentence. The wave had already come crashing down over him, and you saw Jungkook fall to pieces first-hand. Even in the subtle light, you could see he was shaking.

“I’ll wait, I’ll wait if you want me to— as long as you need me to— I’ll be good— I promise!” He looked you in the eye, but for some reason you felt like he was looking right through you.

“I don’t want to disappoint you— I’ll be good— I have to be good— I have to— I’ll wait— I promise I’ll wait!” This had turned into a full-blown meltdown. You could see it in the look in his eyes. Something was on his mind, and it was tearing him apart. As much as you wanted to remain as neutral as possible, you couldn’t just stand there anymore and watch this. You quickly made your way around his desk so you were standing right beside him. His hands were back in his hair and his rambling had nearly turned incoherent.

In the low light you could see his hands trembling, and you quickly had to stop the tears from pouring out at that point. You couldn’t imagine what he must have gone through to make him so upset. If this was all a ruse then he deserved to be in Hollywood, but even suggesting that this might be a trick just felt beyond cruel. He was clearly struggling…

“Jungkook— please— please look at me.” You tried to remain calm, but your voice wavered in the middle.

“I’ll be good!” You could barely make his words out through the sobs.

“Jungkook… please look at me…” You gently tapped him on the shoulder. You were a little calmer this time, and that finally had him turning to face you, breaking him out of his trance.

He was finally looking up at you with his big, round, sad eyes, and your heart nearly broke in two when you saw his lip quiver slightly. He seemed so innocent, yet so broken, and you just wanted to fix him somehow.

You brought your hand up to lightly cup his cheek— they were wet, so, so wet, and as you moved his hair out his face, you could feel the tips had grown damp. Tears steadily continued to pour onto your fingers, but you tried your best to wipe them away. You also didn’t miss the way he practically careened into your warmth.

Such a pretty boy shouldn’t cry like this.

“I’ll wait…” He muttered as he looked at you. This time you knew he was talking to you.

“What do you mean you’ll wait?” You asked gently as you continued to wipe the tears from his eyes.

“As long as you need me to… weeks, months, years. I’ll wait until you want me.” Something about the way he said this, the pain in his voice made it that much more heartbreaking. Weeks were already crazy, but months, years? For some reason, the strain in the way he said this along with what he mentioned earlier, made you think this went deeper than his breakdown.

“I’ll be good, I promise— I’ll wait— I can’t disappoint you too.” He sobbed into your hands. Too? No, this wouldn’t do.

“Jungkook, what do you want?” You asked, looking him directly in the eyes. Your question visibly confused him at first, which just made you feel bold enough to go a step further. You looked toward the door before looking back down at him.

“Are you expecting anyone here any time soon?”

Confusedly, he shook his head. “It’s lunch right now— Secretary Yu went out to get something to eat and I don’t have any appointments.”

At this news, you let go of his pretty face and grabbed the end of your skirt. It was tight, so you pulled it up slightly before taking a seat right on his lap. You paid close attention to the look on his face, and you saw the panic before you felt it. His confusion turned into worry as he looked down at where you were sitting. He knew you could feel it, a surprise you had not expected when you sat down.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll wait, I promise!” He seemed panicked as he looked at you. His hands hovered over your waist, too scared to push anything further. He said he’d wait, but he was hard underneath you.

Jungkook’s thoughts had been filled with you even before you walked in. They always were whenever he was in his office these days, the memories returning so vividly as he’d stare at his desk where it happened.

“I can wait, I promise!” He tried to defend, but his brain was already starting to get fuzzy just from having you on his lap.

“Jungkook, what do you want?” You asked again, wrapping your arms around his neck. He was tense, but you felt him momentarily grab ahold of your waist and pull you a little closer. It would be so easy to kiss him like this.

“I…” His eyes struggled to meet your own. You were so close. He wanted to look and touch everywhere, but he had to think about you.

“I want to be good— I promise I’ll wait—” He had tears in his eyes as he stared down at where your bodies met.

“Mmm…. Is that so?” You looked down and you wondered what he meant about waiting. Clearly he needed something now, you could feel it right underneath you.

Jungkook shakily nodded.

“Until you want me, I’ll wait.” For a second, you ran his proposed arrangement through your head. What kind of affair would that be? Not that you thought about it before, but who’s ever heard of an affair where the guy is at the beck and call of the person he’s cheating with?

It was even more reason to believe he really hadn’t done anything like this before. Something wasn’t right.

“But what do you want?” Again, you asked because you wanted to hear it, but you felt like he needed to say it to himself even more. You could almost see the fear in his eyes as your question lingered. You could feel him shaking underneath you, and you couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking about… or who.

“To be good…” His eyes only met yours for a second before they trailed down your body. His words were saying one thing, but his eyes were telling you another. Maybe you should help him out a little.

When you started getting closer, Jungkook thought you were going to kiss him. Maybe he wished you did, but what you ended up doing was even more unexpected. Your face grazed past his own and suddenly your lips were brushing against his neck.

“Oh…” Jungkook felt his cheeks warm, and his hands were gripping your waist before he could stop them.

You didn’t tease him for long, instead planting gentle, light, feathery kisses along his burning skin. His brain was shot the minute you stepped close, but like this, he was fighting so hard to stop himself from pulling you closer. You felt so good against him, so good, and it was already so hard.

“Y/n…” It came out like a whine and he didn’t mean it to. His eyes were watery, it hurt so much.

“Mhmm” Your voice was soft and—

“Y/n— I’ll wait— I promise, but I’m weak, and please— if you don’t want this… just please go easier on me.” Jungkook finally just cried. This was Yuri all over again. He didn’t want to disappoint you too, not another person. He didn’t need another person to hate him.

“But what about what you want?” You scooted closer, inches away from where he wanted you the most. He thought this would be the moment you’d get off, where you’d tell him to stop crying and scold his very existence. But you didn’t.

Your kisses slowed and you lingered on his skin for longer, lightly sucking spots you somehow discovered were sensitive. Jungkook gripped your hips hard, and he couldn’t stop himself from rutting up into you. It hurt so much, and Jungkook wanted nothing more than to touch you. This was just cruel.

“Y/n…” Jungkook cried, unable to stop the tears from spilling over.

You pulled back enough to see his face. You saw the tears and quickly leaned forward to kiss his cheek. He stared at you wide-eyed, still with that pained look on his face.

“Jungkook, you keep asking what I want, but I want to hear from you. What do you want?” You asked again, softly. You were pressing buttons he didn’t know he had. Why were you being so cruel?

A choked sob left his lips as he held onto your waist tightly. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this.

Like you were sensing his struggle, you leaned in again and started planting languid kisses along his neck. He didn’t have much resilience anyway, paper-thin might even be an exaggeration with the way he was feeling. You were too close and he was too needy, the days of longing making it impossible to think straight, to resist like he knew he should.

“Y/n…” It came out as a moan as you subtly moved your hips against him. This was a warning, a warning that you clearly ignored because your pace grew faster with each glide of your hips. Tears poured harder from his eyes.

“Do you want me to stop?” You asked when he still hadn’t said anything.

Jungkook felt his body react faster than his mind did. His arms came up and tightly wrapped around your frame. The thought of you leaving when he felt like he was seconds away from exploding made him panic.

You were pulled flush against his chest before you could even realize.

“I want you so bad— it hurts so much— please don’t leave me.” He sounded exasperated. He was shaking around you as you could feel the tears running down his face and hitting your cheek.

Shame washed over him as his words settled in the air. He was begging. How sad and pathetic he must have looked. He was all too sure that he’d already ruined things with you.

You seemed to sense he was spiraling, so you were quick to press gentle kisses up his neck, across his jawline, and steadily made your way across his cheek to settle right beside his quivering lips.

His sniffling grew quieter as you worked. Instead, soft moans that he was trying to hold back grew stifled and needier. When you made it to his lips, there was a moment of hesitation. But it was truly only for a moment as Jungkook didn’t allow for anymore, finally closing the distance between you.

It happened so fast, you both nearly bumped heads at the speed he moved, and you weren’t prepared for how vigorous his kiss was. Jungkook kissed you like his life depended on it, and in some sense, you feared it really did.

You were quick getting into it though, matching his rhythm until your lips were moving together in sync. It just felt so right.

That same warmth Jungkook felt deep down in his chest on that fateful night was back with an overwhelming force. He could have cried— scratch that, he was crying, but for an entirely different reason.

Your lips were so soft, and with your arms wrapped around him… for a second, all the pain washed away. There was no one else in the world, no worries, it was just you and him together, alone in his office. This felt right in every way possible, and he couldn’t get you close enough.

The kiss was wet, hot, and you were so needy your body felt like it might burst into flames within a split second. It was destructive and consumed you both so quickly that you had no chance of coming to your senses. This was a bad idea, but you’d think about that later. Instead, you eagerly ground down onto him, making him softly moan into your lips.

His hands rested on your waist, and you could feel his fleeting attempts to touch you more, but it was like something was holding him back. You pulled away and he really was too pretty, your lipstick was all over his face, his lips shiny and stained red.

“Do you want this?” He suddenly asked, out of breath. For a second his question didn’t even register, because what?

“I don’t… I don’t want you to think I’m forcing you into this. I’ll wait, you could even walk away entirely if you aren’t comfortable doing this.” He spoke with round, sad eyes like he really was concerned. But you could still feel him throbbing underneath you. How he was this hard over a little teasing… you honestly worried for his pants at how well you could feel his aching length.

“Jungkook…” You sighed, lifting your hand to move his messy bangs away from his eyes. You could see his face a little better and it hurt seeing how red it was, stained with tears, and a sad look behind his dark gaze.

You leaned forward, pressing a light kiss to his cheek before moving your lips right by his ear.

“Would I be in your lap otherwise?” So soft and sultry in his ear. And he moaned, not holding back at all, completely forgetting you both were still in a public setting. He could have cum just from that alone. But he didn’t care, he was seconds away from losing his mind if something didn’t happen soon.

And then you were back to peppering kisses along his neck, this time going full force at sucking at the skin.

“Ahhh! Y/n— please!” He hissed, letting the tears fall from his eyes. He was going to explode, he was going to explode, please, please just touch him.

Jungkook didn’t wait for you to progress things further. He couldn’t find it in himself to be patient. Instead, his hands quickly moved down your waist, the arch of your back, and settled onto the curve of your ass, groping and feeling with a hurried need.

The motion made you gasp, easily allowing him to slip his tongue inside. It was completely unexpected, especially considering how timid he’d been acting so far, you definitely weren’t prepared. He was the one in control now. It was his tongue that was exploring every inch of your mouth fervently. It was hot and heavy, with a desperation you hadn’t felt since you were a teenager. Your hands cupped his cheeks before tightly tangling in his hair, somehow trying to pull him closer. It was this antsy, erupting feeling. You both hidden away from the world while you tried your best to contain yourselves in a public setting. You could feel his excitement through his suit pants which he tried to hide while pulling you closer at the same time.

“Oh fuck.” He softly moaned into the kiss as your hands found their rightful place in his long, dark hair. You pulled and tugged on the strands, enjoying the soft whines of pleasure Jungkook let out underneath you.

It was happening so fast, yet not fast enough. Any time you attempted to pull away, he held you closer in his arms. It was hard to keep up, but you weren’t prepared for the heat to consume you so quickly, you felt like you were doused in gasoline. It was insane, and you wanted so much more with each brush of his lips against yours.

You were so in the moment that you weren’t prepared for his hands to go lower, slipping under your skirt to hastily pull it up around your waist. For a moment, it didn’t even register until you began to feel the cold breeze against the newly exposed skin. It was at this that you finally pulled away.

For a brief moment, Jungkook tried to stop you, but then you felt the building confidence quickly leave his body as he realized something was wrong. He stared up at you, the shininess in his eyes returning all too quickly.

“I—I’m sorry…” His voice was shaking.

“Don’t apologize—”

“I’ll wait, I’m sorry. I’m rushing things, I’m sorry…” It’s like he wasn’t listening all over again as he shakily tried to pull your skirt back down.

It was then that you realized how this might have looked.

“It’s not that— it’s just… I know it’s a little hard to forget, but we’re in public… in your office.” You pointed out, and you saw Jungkook’s face grow red as he looked around. It seemed like he really did forget where you were.

“I’m sorry—” He cried, letting go of you entirely.

“No— we don’t need to stop. Going all the way might not be the best idea, especially in a room without a lock, but I was thinking we could do something a little quicker.” You smiled gently at him. Jungkook was visibly confused at this, so you took this as your cue to slip off his lap and onto your knees right in front of him.

“Will this work for you?” You smiled up at him mischievously, hoping he got the picture. But for some reason he still was staring down at you with those round eyes that made him look so innocent and… confused?

“What are you doing?” His voice was so small. Your hand was resting on his lap, so close to where he wanted you, and just— why did you have to get off of him?

It was your turn to be confused.

“You know…” You lightly laughed, thinking this might be some type of joke, but Jungkook still maintained the same perplexed gaze. It was then that your face dropped. Suddenly the possibility of him actually being confused ran through your head.

“You do know what a blowjob is, right?” You were a bit blunt, but honestly you were expecting him to laugh at you. A funny joke in the heat of the moment to make you smile, but instead of the giggle you were expecting, you suddenly watched him get flustered.

“Right…?” You asked again, growing weary.

“Uh— I do— did? I didn’t think they were a real thing people actually do…” His voice just grew smaller as he looked down at you. He quickly got the picture that wasn’t normal.

You immediately had so many questions. You were the same age, yet….? How, how did this happen? Did someone tell him that? No guy would ever think that without some type of influence. That also meant he probably wasn’t the most experienced, as far as partners go, because you highly doubt people came into his life and never once tried sucking his dick or at least offered. The other day Jungkook did mention he’s only been with his wife, and an uneasy shudder ran through your body as you mentally started connecting the dots.

“Um— Jungkook, if you’re not comfortable, we could—”

“No, please! Please don’t stop— I… please…” He cried, grabbing onto your hand that was sitting in his lap, but immediately he was horrified in himself, realizing he was begging again. Yuri always hated that so much.

“I mean— I mean…” His eyes grew watery. “It just hurts so much…” Jungkook wanted to fuck you on top of his desk again, he was only a moment away from picking you up and doing just that.

“If you’re comfortable, I won’t stop.” You gave him a warm smile, careful not to frighten or overwhelm him, along with a gentle, reassuring squeeze to his thigh to keep him relatively calm.

Jungkook subtly, but not so subtly, tried to move himself closer to your hand. He was hardly paying attention, his mind completely enthralled with needing some type of relief. He’d take anything at this point.

“Jungkook?” You questioned when he still hadn’t responded.

“P-Please…!” He stammered out, seeing how close your hand was. Just a little closer and he could…

You looked down and noticed his efforts, making you chuckle. “Alright then, I’ll be quick. Just let me know when you’re close.”

Again, he wasn’t paying as much attention as he should, but suddenly his eyes went wide as you lightly began running your hands up his thighs. Jungkook moaned at the touch as you ran over the very obvious outline in his slacks. Anything at this point felt so intense. He just needed more.

You were quick to give him just that. As you reached up to start undoing his belt, he finally had to look away, knowing what was coming next.

You went a little slow, not to just tease him, but to give him a chance to turn back if he got uncomfortable at any moment. You were too fascinated by how tiny his waist looked to notice his growing panic.

Jungkook wanted to scream when you started to unzip his pants— he wanted more, but he was terrified. As he felt you pull him out from his underwear, his eyes grew watery, not needing to look down to feel your gaze. You were staring at him.

Things were different from the last time. While he had the blinds closed and the lights were low, he knew there was still more than enough light to see him. A wave of anxiety washed over him faster than a tsunami, the dread of your judgment completely taking him out of the moment. He’d only been with two people before. The fear of it not looking right or not being up to your standards was still very real and alive. Maybe that was the reason Yuri didn’t want him, and you have probably experienced so much better— you deserve so much better than anything he could give you—

His thoughts were spiraling, but you were quick to step in once again, noticing he’d grown tense underneath you.

You directed your attention to his length that you had firmly grasped in your hand. You marveled at being able to see it in its full glory unlike last time. It was pretty and practically had you drooling, leaving you more than excited to see how it feels in your mouth. It was firm in your grasp and it curved slightly towards the flaming red tip, and you had to stop yourself from moaning at the delicious vein running along the side.

You stared, maybe for too long, at the way it bopped at the slightest movements and gently started leaking precum onto your hand, steadily dripping to create a small puddle that ran down your skin. Staring wasn’t the right thing to do considering how self-conscious he seemed ,and it took you way too long to look up and see his attention on the ceiling with wet streaks running down his cheeks.

“You’re so pretty, don’t you know that?” You smiled as you slowly started to pump his length. The action was enough to make Jungkook look down at you, moaning at your words, and fuck— The sight was enough to send him to a new dimension and back. You had moved closer so your face was right by where he needed you, and you were touching him so well—

“Y/n…” It was a hushed sob. Any louder and he was scared he’d scream. His tears were now streaming for an entirely different reason. It was quick and all these emotions were swirling around in his head. It was too much and he wanted you to stop it.

Your strokes were slow, but it really didn’t take much. It had been too long, too much running away and edging; he just wanted relief.

“Y/n—” He cried again, this time more desperate. He was shaking.

You put him out of his misery only slightly as you used your thumb to rub over the slit and marveled at the way more precum continued to leak over your finger with each swipe.

“Oh— fuck.” He whined, shifting around so you’d touch him more. His hands were balled into tight fists as he watched you, knuckles turning white in the process. Part of him wanted to look away in shame, but you commanded his attention in a way that he couldn’t turn anywhere else.

You met his shameful gaze as you looked up at him with glistening eyes, and Jungkook hated how much he wanted to ruin you all over again. Leave you a mess so his colleagues could see how horrible he was.

Jungkook was on edge and you had barely touched him. You could tell he was growing antsy, so you finally moved so that you were mere centimeters away from his pleading cock. The sight alone could have made him cum. You, staring up at him with eager, excited eyes, and as he looked down at you, a guttural sound escaped his lips before he could catch it.

There was only a moment of hesitation, a moment that dragged on for eternity. With your gaze, you were waiting to see if he had any doubts about continuing, but Jungkook held on with bated breath, giving no signs of wanting to stop.

He was a little confused… no, that wasn’t right… anxious? He hardly had a clue what to expect. He knew what a blowjob was… kinda? He knew what they were from videos he saw when he was younger, but everyone always talked about how exaggerated they were. He had no idea what a real blow job was like and what to expect. How long had it been since the thought even crossed his mind? He couldn’t remember anymore.

Jungkook was in his head again, but the very sudden feeling of your tongue quickly swiping across the tip briskly jolted him back into the moment, making him nearly jump out of his chair.

Oh.

He didn’t even realize he had said it out loud, and at a volume that was far too loud, until the soft sounds of your chuckles got his attention.

“Can’t be too loud~” You smiled, and Jungkook felt his whole body set ablaze with an inferno he wasn’t prepared for in the slightest.

“Just let me know when you’re close—” you reminded him once again. He wondered if you could tell he wouldn’t last long. You would be right. “Sit back, relax. I’ll take care of you.” You smiled.

Jungkook had to take a moment to stare at you. Your eyes shone from his desk lamp, your lipstick had already started to smear across your lips from your heated activities earlier, and your hair grew more disheveled by the second. Your invitation to relax and let you essentially take care of him made shivers run up his spine, and he couldn’t nod for you to continue any faster.

He listened to your advice and finally leaned back in his office chair, waiting for you to have your way with him. The moment he got more comfortable, you were back on him, his cock in hand as you leaned in once again to give a teasing lick to the tip.

Ohhhhhh—

He didn’t mean to, but you were teasing him too much. You probably thought it was pathetic how he practically chased after your mouth when you pulled away. It wasn’t long before you were back though, slowly swirling your tongue around the tip, tasting the salty precum that continued to leak with each swipe of your tongue, while looking intently at his antsy reactions.

“Ahhhh! Please—” Jungkook had tears in his eyes as he pleaded for you. He felt like he was going to lose his mind. This, fuck— this—

He probably had imprints on his hands from his nails at how tightly he had balled up his fists. Jungkook looked down at you, not wanting to rush you or beg, but he felt like he was at his limit.

Finally, you put him out of his misery. It came unexpectedly. Your gentle licks turned into you engulfing the tip with your mouth. You were slow. You didn’t want to overwhelm him considering this was meant to be his first time.

“Oh, fu—” Jungkook quickly covered his mouth. His fist tightened to the point he could feel his nails digging into his skin. His tears finally spilled as the overwhelming pleasure washed over him as you tried to take more of him down. It was new, a euphoria he had never experienced before, seeing you on your knees pleasing him, taking him so well… it was too sinful to be allowed. And you just kept going, further and further down and—

“Wai—oh my go—” Jungkook tried to whisper, but he was way too loud. He was going to cum. It was like he was suddenly pushed to the edge. He knew he was close, but not that close.

“Oh—” He moaned. Your mouth was so warm, wet, and inviting. It reminded him too much of the fleeting memory of what it felt like to be inside you. Jungkook quickly had to shut his eyes, focusing all his concentration on not having this end so soon after you just started. The embarrassment— he couldn’t do that to you. But—

“Fuck!”

You went as far as you could before steadily easing back and popping off him to see how he took it. You knew he had been shaking, but you weren’t prepared for his look of distress.

“You ok?” You lightly chuckle, caressing his thigh— and, woah, were you in for a surprise feeling how firm they were. How much did this boy work out?

You watched as tears slipped from his eyes. “Umm-mm-m,” his voice was shaky as he finally opened his eyes to look at you.

“Can— can you go slow? I won’t make it two seconds otherwise…” He was quiet and sounded out of breath already. His round cheeks were flushed and he could barely look you in the eye.

“It’s all about you. Don’t worry about it too much. Like I told you, sit back and relax. You can let go whenever you’re ready.” You smiled. All you wanted him to do was relax and enjoy it. He seemed so tense, he always seemed so tense. You couldn’t imagine what he must be going through for him to practically be in pieces, always on the verge of tears any time you’d just look at him.

Even now… You finally noticed his tightly balled fist, and he just seemed so tense— too tense for someone who was about to get sucked off. You quickly wrapped one hand around his length again and used the other to grab one of his fists and place it on your head.

You didn’t want him to think too much, so you quickly took him into your mouth again. He must have understood what you meant because his hand was suddenly in your hair, and electricity ran through your body at the satisfying moan he let out. It was loud, almost like it was meant for anyone to hear. For a moment, you forgot you were in his office in the middle of everyone’s lunch break. That anyone could walk in at any time if you weren’t careful. It seemed you weren’t the only one.

The moment was short-lived. Jungkook quickly brought his hand back over his mouth to stop himself from making any more noise. The moan caught in his throat was muffled, but you could still sense the urgency in his tone without hearing him fully.

Each time you bobbed your head up and down, his reactions fueled you to push further. Jungkook was trying to be subtle, you could tell, and it was almost cute how soft he was. Your hand wrapped around his length to stroke whatever your mouth couldn’t take. He whimpered underneath you each time your lips came down around him, and you picked up on the cute way he lightly gripped your hair with each movement you made. It was so subtle, careful not to squeeze too hard, but you could feel when he wanted more.

Jungkook couldn’t even comprehend the emotions flowing through his body, all new sensations that made every touch you gave him feel so intense. He was barely making it as it was, but this was so new, and he just couldn’t—

“Y/n— I’m close…” He sobbed. He felt worse when you stopped momentarily to look at him because you had barely started. You were only a few strokes in and he had tried his best to push past and enjoy it as long as possible, but it was already too much, and—

“I’m sorry…” He cried, that creeping embarrassment washing over him with vigor. He was prepared for you to say something demeaning. Mocking that he could hardly last, that he was a disappointment, that you regretted doing this with him. He was ready for the painful words he’d grown so used to lately, but they never came as you popped off him with a smile.

“Let go whenever you’re ready.” Your eyes were warm, and for a second he felt all fuzzy inside because it was more compassion than he deserved.

He felt his eyes grow watery, but right before you were about to finish him off, a sound Jungkook recognized too well filled the emptiness of his office. The blaring ring of the phone that sat on his desk made you both freeze. In an instant, the thin veil you both wore over your eyes, shielding you from the outside world, was ripped away.

You and Jungkook just stared at each other. An intense fear came over the both of you, but in the moment, Jungkook knew he had to act. He hurriedly tried to pull himself together enough so he could answer the call. With a worried glance sent in your direction, Jungkook slowly picked up the phone.

“H-Hello?” His voice cracked, the strain from all the crying earlier taking its toll at the worst time possible.

“Oh— sir, are you ok?” It was Secretary Yu.

“Yeah— I’m fine. Is something up?” Jungkook rushed her. With the reassurance it was just his secretary and not an executive, an uncontrollable anger started boiling over at something coming in the way of his relief…

“I’m sorry to interrupt you! I know you’re on your lunch break, but Director Lee is here to see you about a supposed emergency.” Her tone sounded like she felt bad, but Jungkook was more focused on what she said.

He looked down at you, staring wide-eyed at him, waiting for the news.

“Um— can you just tell him to come back later?” Jungkook threaded his fingers through his hair, stressed and unable to hide the annoyance in his voice any longer.

“He says it’s urgent.” She already had an answer, knowing her boss well.

“Fuck.” Jungkook groaned as quietly as he could. It was crude language for work, but his secretary was used to it by now, often on the receiving end of frustrated rants when censoring himself was the least of his concerns.

“Can you give us— me a few minutes?” A slip of the tongue, remembering he was technically the only one supposed to be in here. Luckily, she didn’t seem to notice.

“Of course, just call back when you’re ready.” And with that, she hung up and the countdown began.

As soon as she was gone, Jungkook resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room. Of course the one day he wasn’t in here by himself, Director Lee just had to show up. It probably wasn’t even an actual emergency. He had a habit of doing this from time to time in order for an excuse to speak to Jungkook, and of course this “emergency” had to happen today.

Jungkook looked down at you and debated whether or not there was any conceivable possibility of finishing before Director Lee came in. He was already so close, just a little longer and he’d be putty in your hands.

“What’s going on?” You finally asked when he hadn’t said anything.

“Director Lee’s outside. He says it’s an emergency.” Jungkook felt like crying. He was so close.

You looked around, panicked, because there was no way you looked presentable, and Jungkook looked more than a little disheveled with his shiny lips and your lipstick all over his face. Instead of thinking about it too much, you hurriedly got to your feet, knees a little shaky from being on them for so long, but that didn’t stop you as you quickly tried to help clean Jungkook up.

He looked up at you with wide eyes as you used your fingers to wipe away the red stains littered all over his cheeks, lips, and neck. His eyes were glossy and you had to resist the urge to kiss that look off his face knowing that would just leave marks again, but you let your thumb lightly caress his cheek.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise I’ll finish when he leaves.” You reassured him as you tried to help fix his ruffled hair, moving the strands back in place and out of his eyes.

Jungkook’s heart hammered in his chest so hard he was almost sure you could hear it. His mind was a mess, and the affection just made him want you even more. He would give anything to have you bent over his desk right now.

He looked presentable, at least enough so that in the dim light hopefully Director Lee wouldn’t question anything. You, though… Where were you going to hide? You looked around.

Your first instinct was to hide behind the blinds, but that would never work in a million years. There was really nowhere in his office you could hide without it being incredibly ridiculous except…

“You think I could fit under there?” You asked quickly, pointing to the spot underneath Jungkook’s desk. It would be a tight fit, but there weren’t any better options.

Jungkook moved out of the way, and with a little maneuvering as you tried your best to find the most comfortable position, you were able to slide underneath. In the meantime, Jungkook went through the painful process of trying to tuck himself back into his pants.

He had tears in his eyes as he struggled for a moment. It was so hard, he was so hard, that at this point trying to get himself back in was more than a task. And his touch… anything could have set him off, but he worked carefully so he wouldn’t end up making a mess in his hands. He couldn’t disappoint you. But it hurt. It hurt so much that at this point, he just had to make do with leaving his pants unzipped because no way in hell he would be able to get them closed.

With you squished under his desk and he now looking normal enough for this short meeting, Jungkook took a few deep breaths to calm his nerves as he scooched closer to his desk.

“You— you ok down there?” He asked quickly.

“Yeah, just don’t be too long.” You called out. Jungkook spread his legs a little wider to give you more room.

It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but at least the view made up for it.

“I’ll try and make this quick. I’m so sorry…” Jungkook sighed, evidently frustrated. Of all days, this had to happen when he had been so close… so fucking close. Director Lee better have an actual emergency. He had a habit of coming in and claiming “emergencies” when really, he just wanted to talk. Jungkook knew what he was doing, trying to get into his favor in hopes of getting into his dad’s good graces, hoping for a promotion soon or after Jungkook was meant to take over.

It was annoying under normal circumstances, but if he was trying to do the same thing now… Jungkook took a few deep breaths to calm himself before finally picking up the phone again.

“Hey… yeah, you can send him in, but please tell him I’m busy and to make it quick.” You intently listened to his words and while Jungkook had tried to stay calm, you could still clearly hear the agitation in his voice.

It was cute. Maybe a little hot too? You shook the thought out of your head, not liking it at all.

With bated breath, you listened to the sound of the door creek open and the hurried clicks of dress shoes slowly coming closer to the desk. Director Lee was alright in your opinion. He was one of the executives in marketing, but you weren’t sure exactly what he did. He was fine at his job, but he would talk for hours about the most obscure thing. You hadn’t really talked to him much, just seen him at the few meetings you’d attended so far as another executive, but hopefully—

“Head Director Jeon!” Director Lee’s cheerful voice rang out. Jungkook had tried to make himself look busy, quickly shaking his computer awake and mindlessly scrolling over some random document he had open before his breakdown.

Jungkook almost rose to his feet on instinct, ready to greet him with a polite bow, but luckily he caught himself before the situation ended less than favorable. Instead, he kept himself busy before finally meeting Director Lee’s eyes.

“Director Lee! I’m sorry for the wait.” Jungkook tried to smile as the man himself came over, bowing quickly before taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of his desk.

Great. That likely meant this wouldn’t take only two seconds. Jungkook just hoped that wasn’t the case, nor did he notice the lack of greeting.

“I’m sorry to bother you when you’re busy, but there were just a few questions I had from marketing for you.” Director Lee smiled, and Jungkook let out a sigh of relief knowing this was actually about work.

You were somewhat listening. You picked up on a few things you’d hear marketing discuss in the meetings you attended, but most of it went over your head. You honestly had hoped that this was only going to be a few questions, but you were always wrong.

At some point, Jungkook briefly mentioned wanting to travel. They had been discussing something about the EU branch located in Germany, leading to Director Lee talking about the time he took his family there when he was on a business trip. Jungkook had quickly mentioned his desire to travel more, and then suddenly he was being handed Director Lee’s phone to look through all the pictures of the Lee family during their trips to all these faraway places.

Although Jungkook did a good job at remaining calm in front of Director Lee, you could see the way his leg bounced restlessly as he listened to the director talk about the time his family went to Budapest from your position underneath the desk. You wanted to calm him down a little and without thinking too deeply, you placed a reassuring hand on his thigh, gently running your hand along it, letting him know you were still here.

You hadn’t been paying too much attention to their conversation. After all, it wasn’t meant to be one you were a part of, and you tried your best to give them a little privacy. But right in that moment, you noticed the way Jungkook stopped talking momentarily about business trips as your hand trailed up his leg, before slowly dragging back into the conversation.

Oh. You liked that a little too much.

Your reassurance was only meant to be quick, a very brief reminder that you were here, but you kept going, your hand going up further, up his thigh to where his open zipper laid. For a brief moment, you considered stopping. Director Lee was right there, but as you started pulling your hand away, suddenly another was wrapped around your wrist stopping your movements.

It took a moment to realize it was Jungkook. You stared for a while, his tight grip fleeting as he lightly placed your hand back on his thigh, all while he continued on with Director Lee. It was just enough to give you the confidence to go further. Luckily Jungkook made it easy for you.

You were a little too eager slipping into his pants, pulling him out ever so gently, and feeling him in your grasp again. Jungkook immediately had his hand around your wrist the minute your fingers brushed against him.

It was a warning, a fleeting one, one you could tell even he wasn’t sure about. For a moment you were sure his hand was trying to pull you closer.

You had some common sense— you had no intention of getting him so riled up that Director Lee would walk around the desk to see you cramped underneath Jungkook’s desk playing with his cock. As much as you’d love to watch him squirm while he tried his best to remain composed, you also wanted to walk out of here with a job. You knew your limits.

You were subtle at first, You watched and listened intently as your thumb lightly traced over the tip. You got another instant reaction, his hand quickly tightening around your wrist, and you heard his voice waver slightly.

Your efforts were slow and controlled. You didn’t want him to scream, but you did want him to feel it. Slow light touches grazed up his skin, so delicate, as you made sure he’d never forget you were here. It was nice, as he returned faint squeezes around your wrist.

“You and your wife should come with us one day!” Director Lee bellowed out with a hearty laugh after Jungkook faintly wished he could have been there for that experience. The conversation had moved to Alaska and the Northern Lights now… you had no idea how they got on that topic. You were startled slightly by the sudden outburst. Your hand slipped and suddenly his fingers were laced in your hair and underneath the laughter, your ears instantly locked onto a subtle moan.

Jungkook was quick to cover it with a cough that Director Lee seemingly didn’t notice. At this point, you feared you had gone a little too far accidently. You were going to call it quits until Director Lee left, but as your grip loosened, suddenly his hand was on your wrist again stopping you in your tracks.

He didn’t want you to stop, and you wanted to please him.

You pushed past your hesitation, instead deciding to get even more bold. You leaned forward enough to the point you were face to face with his weeping cock once again. You took it in your hand and lightly ran your tongue along the tip. You were instantly rewarded with his hand lacing into your hair, and you wished you could have seen his face.

You listened to the way his breathing grew heavier with each swipe of your tongue. You also noticed the subtle way he’d try to keep your head down longer any time you came up. As wrong as it might be, it was hot, and as much as you didn’t want to admit it, so was he.

He was painfully hot, so hot you once again found yourself wondering how you didn’t notice sooner. You honestly probably didn’t want to, your hatred blinding you from both his suffering and anguish as well as his… nice composition. That wasn’t entirely true… you knew that he was conventionally attractive, maybe a little more so than most, but looks meant nothing when he was being petty to you. Now that you were exposed to the cracks in his façade, you could push past your turbulent history and acknowledge the fact you understood the stares he received when he’d walk around the office and the swooning no matter his questionable leadership. You got it more than anyone now that you’d gotten a glimpse behind his sad gaze.

Unfortunately, you understood it too much. Watching him try not to fall apart in front of the director made the ache between your legs apparent, and you wanted nothing more than to take him right there in his office. But this wasn’t about you; it was about him. You wanted that sad look behind his eyes to disappear, even just for a second. But later tonight you just might need to revisit an old friend you kept in your bottom drawer. A reunion was more than necessary at this point.

Curse him.

•────•──────────•────•

Jungkook should have stopped you, he knew that. This was embarrassing, the highest level of inappropriate he could have achieved, but he felt like he’d reached such a breaking point that he simply didn’t care. All he could think about was the orgasm that he was on the verge of having before you were interrupted. The minute you had your hand on him he never wanted it to leave.

At this point, he was this close to screaming at Director Lee to leave. But he rambled on and on about all the excursions he took his family on whenever he got some time off. Jungkook tried his best to smile and nod along whenever he made eye contact, but the minute you had your tongue running along him, he could barely keep it together.

Jungkook wondered how Director Lee hadn’t noticed. He wasn’t doing a good job hiding that something was up. Jungkook was struggling to keep his eyes open as your lips wrapped around him with the subtle flicks of your hand. At this point, Director Lee probably thought he had some type of cold by how much he had to cough to stop himself from moaning out for you to make him cum.

He felt delirious, like he was looking over the precipice of a high-rise and the world around him started to spin as he tried to make out the ground down below. He was so close. So close to finally getting the release he’d been craving for days. So close, but of fucking course Director Lee just had to come into his office now.

“I’m sure Ms. Han would love Barcelona!” For some reason, Director Lee had already started planning out a trip that Yuri and him were meant to join with his family. Jungkook practically had to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying that the last thing he wanted to think about was Yuri when he had you underneath his desk pleasing him so well. He didn’t want to think of anything; no work, no business, he just wanted to cum… why was that so hard?!

“I’m sure she—she—she… would.” Your tongue had licked right over the slit and he was horrible at pretending he wasn’t on the verge of losing it. You felt so good.

Your efforts weren’t enough to get him to cum yet, something he felt was intentional. But the longer he had to stare at Director Lee’s face, the more he was starting to care less and less about the world around him. He just wanted—

Please.

“It’s honestly beautiful— I went there when I was fifteen. It was a high school trip I’m pretty sure, and—” Blah blah blah, if he wasn’t out of his face in the next two minutes…

He didn’t want to hear about this trip. Spending any time with Director Lee outside of a work context felt like a nightmare. Jungkook knew that he’d probably end up spending less time with Yuri than Director Lee, talking his head off about some random thing he’s convinced they have in common. It maybe wouldn’t be so bad if Jungkook didn’t know his type as well as he did. It was all an attempt at trying to fast-track a promotion. Director Lee probably didn’t care about him at all, or the things they had in common, and would actually hate for Yuri and him to be there on his family trip. This conversation was pointless.

“And we’d have to go hiking across the… sights are so beautiful… the pictures I took were—”

“O-oohhh-oh…” It was a quiet, hushed moan and Jungkook quickly had to blink away the tears that had started to settle in his eyes at the strain of keeping it together. You had finally taken the whole tip and Jungkook was just getting worse and worse at covering up his moans. The cough that followed was a little slow, and he probably sounded in as much pain as he felt.

He wanted to see you, wanted to touch you.

“Head Director Jeon, are you ok?” Director Lee feigned concerned. He always insisted on calling him his full title instead of the more casual “Director Jeon” that everyone else used and he preferred. He would even choose the awkward “Mr. Jeon,” despite it making him feel weird since he was younger than the majority of the staff he worked with, over the full title. He hated people using it for no other reason than it always just felt like just an attempt to get in his good graces.

“Fine— just…” deep breaths… “The cold’s started to get to me slightly…” Jungkook tried to laugh, but his eyes were getting watery. He probably looked like a mess. He wanted you to make him into an even bigger one than he already was.

“Oh! If you’re sick, I know a great tea recipe that would—” Jungkook couldn’t pay attention any longer than two seconds. He couldn’t stop imagining what might happen the minute Director Lee left, what you might do, and the blissful release afterward. He just wanted you, please, please, please…

He couldn’t do this anymore.

“— Director Lee, I’m sorry to interrupt, but—” it hurts so much “but I’m pretty busy today…” Jungkook tried to be nice, but he really was worried what he might do if Director Lee wasn’t out the door in the next five seconds.

Director Lee looked shocked for a second. He wasn’t expecting that. Usually Jungkook would always put up with his bullshit even though he despised the mooching, but today any longer and Jungkook would seriously cause a scene.

Jungkook attempted to put on the best, most apologetic smile he could muster as the Director processed his words.

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry. Your secretary mentioned you were busy before I came in.” Jungkook nearly jumped for joy when Director Lee finally got up from the chair in front of him.

Director Lee bowed politely and Jungkook once again had to resist the urge to get up and bear him a respectful farewell, but that was out of the question right now. Instead, Jungkook bowed his head slightly, hoping the director wouldn’t think too much of it.

“I’ll be in contact about how things go at the US branch,” Director Lee mentioned and Jungkook had nearly forgotten that he had first come in with an actual reason. Aside from discussing some things about marketing, Director Lee had wanted to go over some information before he left for the US branch tomorrow, and that’s how they ended up talking about travel. It was then when Director Lee mentioned how his family just came back from London and he was flying out again.

Jungkook only nodded, nervous that if he spoke at this point the only thing that would come out was an embarrassing plea for you to make him cum. But to his delight, Jungkook watched Director Lee make his way to the door. You must have heard him leaving because the minute the sounds of his footsteps echoed off the marble floors, you quickly kicked it up five notches, finally putting Jungkook out of his misery and taking him down your throat again.

Jungkook’s eyes fluttered closed as he took it all in. Your mouth brought so many new sensations, he was having trouble keeping up. It felt good, and deep down he selfishly relished in it all.

“Have a good day, Head Director Jeon.” Director Lee bowed and Jungkook wanted to scream at him to leave, but instead he sent another pained smile and a slight wave his way.

When he heard the door close, Jungkook let his head fall to his desk. Silent besides the now obvious sounds of you shifting underneath the desk. It hurt so much, he just wanted to—

“Please, please, please make me cum!” A hushed sob escaped as the tears finally spilled from his eyes. He was shameless and his ears felt hot with embarrassment, but for a moment he didn’t care, he just wanted to cum.

He felt you gently tap his leg and he finally remembered that you were cramped down there. He quickly rolled his chair back, giving you the opportunity to climb out from under the desk. He watched with hungry eyes as you stretched your tense limbs. Even fully clothed, just watching your body move under your blouse was more than enough to make him lose his mind.

Get it together, Jeon. But he couldn’t, he wanted you so badly— his watery eyes stared as you moved back into a comfortable position between his legs.

“Please— please— I’m so close.” He cried.

You looked at him with those kind eyes and gave him a warm smile that tingled more than just his heart.

“I got you, just let go when you’re ready.” You didn’t even give him a chance to answer before you took him in completely. Jungkook couldn’t stop the moan that fell his lips at the warmth and wetness your mouth provided. It was amazing, you were amazing, you always were. Your pace was quick this time, sensing his urgency. It was probably only a few seconds before that growing feeling returned, this time with no plans of stopping.

“C-close!” Jungkook hurried out, but he feared you couldn’t understand him with how mangled it came out.

Jungkook let one hand tangle in your hair, needing to grab ahold of something, while the other came over his mouth to stop himself from screaming. For a second, he worried if he was doing this right, was he embarrassing himself right now? Did you hate him? Did you resent him for pulling you into this? This was all so new, he didn’t want to mess things up, but he couldn’t think clearly and hardly had the capacity to care right now.

Jungkook finally found the strength to look down, the sight of you taking him so well caused sparks to run through his body, making it impossible to delay the inevitable.

“Your mouth!” It came out a little louder than he wanted it to, but it was meant to be a warning. He was close, and if you didn’t move away soon then… He thought you’d move off of him, maybe finish him off by hand, but instead you sped up your pace despite his warning. For a second, Yuri flashed in his head, and the sheer utter fear of disappointing you like he’d done to her so many times came crashing down like a wave in a storm.

As he sped toward the edge, he tried his best to delay it until you could get off of him. Yuri would hate the mess and he feared your reaction— no, he had to last just a little longer—

“Y/n, I’m serious, I’m—” His efforts were fruitless. The tears in his eyes finally spilled over; the pleasure and the guilt grew overwhelming. His body was on fire, and the sheer relief of having you this close made the end come all too quickly.

Jungkook kept his hand clamped over his mouth, but his attempt was futile as moans still slipped from his lips. They were muffled, nonsensical, and sounded as pained as he felt, the blinding hot release spreading throughout his entire body and ultimately into your mouth. Tears ran down his cheeks, his grip in your hair growing tighter as you steadily worked him through his orgasm.

“Fu—oh—go—fuck.” There weren’t words to describe how good he felt.

He could feel his release paint your mouth, a horrible mix of shame and something else he didn’t want to admit bubbling in the depths of his mind. His whole body shook, even after what felt like an endless stream of his release filled your mouth. Wave after wave of tears just kept coming because finally… fucking finally.

He momentarily forgot where you both were and who he was. It just felt so good to forget. It was the freedom he craved when he was alone sometimes. But this was wrong, he knew it was.

As the wave started to die down, instead of a graceful landing, he practically crashed with how quickly new tears started spilling from his eyes. His muffled moans turned into sobs and he couldn’t bear to look down at you. He didn’t want to see your disappointment. You were already so kind, and he just had to go and ruin it because he couldn’t wait until you had moved off of him.

“Jungkook, you ok?” Your voice was laced with concern as he felt your hand running along his thigh.

“I’m sorry!” Jungkook just sobbed. His face was wet, and his hair was soaked with tears and sweat. He knew he looked like a mess.

There was a moment of silence while you tried to rack your brain for what he was talking about. “Why are you sorry?” You were so gentle, hating how upset he seemed.

“I tried to— I tried to wait— I’m so sorry!” He choked out, trying to be quiet as Secretary Yu was right outside, but the shame that crept over his body made it hard to stay in control.

You looked notably shocked.

“I told you that you could cum whenever you were ready,” you chuckled, rubbing his leg gently.

“That’s not— your mouth… I came inside— I’m sorry.” Jungkook finally looked down and you could see just how distraught he seemed, the wetness around his eyes more than heartbreaking. Finding a little strength, you finally rose to your feet. Your knees were achy, but you persevered so you could face him a little better.

You took the initiative and brought your finger up to his chin so he’d look at you. His eyes were shiny, red, and filled with a sadness you couldn’t quite comprehend. This wasn’t how this was meant to end.

“You don’t need to apologize for something I wanted.” You gently rubbed your thumb along his wet cheek. Your cheeks burned from the confession, but you were glad you said it when you saw the tension fall from his soft features.

“H-huh?”

“Maybe I should have asked, but I thought it was best to avoid any mess.” Might he have preferred it more if he painted your face? The image in your mind made your face even hotter, not exactly against the idea if you didn’t have to worry about walking out in front of your coworkers.

“I thought I messed up already… made you disappointed, that you— you’d hate me too.” Just the word hate made his eyes watery all over again. He’d heard it too many times from Yuri, and he was sure it wouldn’t be long before he heard it from you too.

It was then you realized what he was referring to, that he thought somehow cumming in your mouth was a mistake he made? It was crazy and reaffirmed that Jungkook was telling the truth when he said it was his first time having someone go down on him. But that was the least of your worries, instead, the harsh words he’d expected as retribution stood out to you more than anything. The truth of the reasoning behind his sad eyes, why his dimpled smile never appeared anymore, and the sense of what might be happening behind closed doors grew more terrifying the more he spoke to you.

“Just wanted you to feel good— I can’t hate you for that.” You smiled, and you were a little shocked when you suddenly felt his hands on your waist pull you closer.

“Did it feel good?” You giggled at the affection, but your face was burning. This isn’t what you expected from him.

Instead of answering, Jungkook tugged you down onto his lap and wrapped his arms around your frame, pulling you into a tight embrace.

“Thank you…” He shakily sighed. You couldn’t truly understand the relief you brought him. It was his gratitude for everything— for being here with him, for putting up with his pathetic desperation, for making the thoughts that clouded his mind dissipate for only a second, and the list could go on really. You seriously were as amazing as he imagined.

“I didn’t know… it just— it felt so good, thank you… thank you.” He sweetly mumbled into your blouse. You would have never pictured Jungkook as the affectionate type, and your body and mind were struggling to keep up. You tried your best to ignore the way your heart was nearly beating out of your chest, instead choosing to just be there for him. If this is what he wanted, you’d happily oblige, doing whatever it took to make him feel better— to fix him.

“No need to thank me— if anything, thank you.” You laughed. You were just as guilty as Jungkook. All you could think about since Tuesday was Jungkook’s body pressed against yours in a heat of emotion. You thought giving him the cold shoulder would be enough to forget it all, but you were so easily pulled back in. You hated it, right now you wanted to avoid the consequences, but you couldn’t stop the growing warmth spreading through your body seeing him feel a little better.

You expected him to laugh along with you, but Jungkook’s gaze just held onto yours before his eyes started traveling down to where your bodies met. You were a little confused at first, but once his eyes met yours again, you realized you knew that look all too well.

Oh?

You watched with curious eyes as he started leaning in, curious what he might do considering how timid he was earlier. Maybe it was because he was still riding the high you gave him only minutes ago, but this time he easily pulled you in to meet his lips.

He was so gentle, he always was. You quickly realized you liked the way his kisses felt, the way he held you close. You didn’t hate it; you couldn’t hate this at all. The soft moment was over quickly though, as his hands started running along your body, instantly making the simmering flame reignite inside you. Your hands quickly found a place running through his long, damp hair, pulling him closer because the last thing you wanted right now was to be away from him.

All of a sudden, Jungkook wrapped his hands around you and hoisted you up onto the desk. He was standing between your legs, much like the position you found yourselves in a few days ago. Then his lips were on your neck, light, but more than enough for a soft moan to leave your lips before you could stop yourself. Your body was hot, and the urge to pull him closer was growing painful at this point.

“I want to make you feel good too,” Jungkook softly whispered against your skin. Dangerous, the words were so dangerous, and you wondered if he noticed the way your legs wrapped around his waist tighter, wanting to make that very wish come true.

“You’ve been so good to me— it feels so unfair, like I'm being too selfish. You’ve made me feel so good, you should too.” This is certainly not what you were expecting out of this interaction. You had imagined that since Jungkook was cheating on his wife with you, this was all going to be about the indulgence he couldn’t get from his wife. You were just the method he’d use to get himself off. It’s not like you entirely hated the idea of him using you for relief, you were here to help him after all, though anytime you’d think about it as an affair it made you sick. But you never thought there was anything in it for you.

Jungkook’s warm hands sliding up your thigh took you out of your thoughts, steadily pushing up your skirt in the process. When he held you like this, it was easy to forget where you were.

You placed your hand on his, stopping him from pushing it any further. You noticed his eyes glance down, and suddenly panic spread across his features as he quickly grew noticeably flustered.

“Oh— was I being too pushy? I’m sor—” You quickly shushed him, not wanting him to overthink it.

“It’s just— we’re still in your office in the middle of a work day,” you pointed out. It was easy to forget that in the heat of emotions. Plus, Jungkook had the blinds closed, the lamp on his desk the only lighting for the room. But the glimmer of sunshine slipping in from underneath the blinds was the sole indication that it was, in fact, the middle of the afternoon on a perfect, cloudless, sunny day.

Jungkook looked over at the windows as well, and you noticed the way his face flushed. It seemed he had forgotten as well.

“Ohhhh, right.” Jungkook shyly mumbled, clearly a little disappointed. “I’m sor—”

“Don’t apologize. I honestly want to take you up on the offer— just not here where someone might walk in again.” At the mere mention of Jungkook touching you, your body remembered how his fingers felt inside you that night. Despite his clear lack of experience being on the receiving end of pleasure, Jungkook somehow knew how to touch you in a way that made you see stars.

Jungkook pulled you a little closer. “I know a place— uh, only if you’re interested.” He quickly added, always so polite.

You gave him a look that told him to keep going.

“It’s a storage closet for most of the cleaning supplies and sometimes additional things for the office. Only the janitors use the room, but they hardly go in there since it’s not really a janitor's closet. They mainly use it for restocks of their supplies. Plus, no one can come in without the required access,” Jungkook explained, and it sounded perfectly like what you needed.

“I’m assuming that means you have access then?” You looked down at the lanyard he had sitting on his desk.

“I’m the only one aside from the janitors.” He shyly smiled.

You thought about it for a second before hopping off the desk. “Alright then, sounds like a plan. I have a meeting to get to and some work to do— but are you free at four?” You asked, trying your best to smooth down your hair and clothes.

Jungkook moved out of the way slightly, and from the corner of your eye, you could feel his gaze scanning over your body. You couldn’t stop the smirk spreading across your face.

“Uhhhh…” For a second, you wondered if waiting until four was too big of an ask.

“I can wait— yeah— four’s ok.” There was a shakiness to his words that made it seem like he didn’t entirely believe himself. He really was too cute.

You focused on trying to get yourself back to normal, working on your hair with only your hands as best you could. Jungkook helped you get the smeared lipstick off your face, and you helped him with a similar problem along with taming his hair and fixing his shirt so it didn’t look like you’d been tugging on it for the last half hour.

In the end, you were able to get yourself to look somewhat decent. You realized way too late that Jungkook had a mirror in his office and you were able to address the details that he might not have seen. Jungkook looked good too. Well, he always did, but maybe you might say he looked even better than when you first walked in?

He had this cute, dopey grin on his face, and the way you had messed up his hair made the soft curls cascade around his face in a way that made him look incredibly ethereal. He had what some might call a ‘glow,’ and it didn’t take much speculation to figure out what it might have been from.

A swell of pride filled your chest, along with a bit of relief knowing you were able to make him feel better, even if only for a short amount of time.

Your goodbye was brief. You knew your coworkers, Taehyung and Solmi especially, would be looking for you by now.

“See you at four,” you mentioned as you took one last look in the mirror. Jungkook had told you where the closet was, and he was sitting on his desk looking at you while you finished getting ready.

“Mhmmm” He lulled. “Can’t wait~” It was a shy admission that made this cute, boyish grin appear on his face.

You had to get out of here.

“Alright then, don't forget to eat lunch!” By the look on his face at your words, you knew he probably hadn’t even thought about it.

“Don’t forget… you’re on your lunch break after all.” You reaffirmed, knowing there was a chance he’d still forget even after your reminder.

“I won’t… see you later.” That same dopey smile appeared on his face and you had to physically tear yourself away so you could finally leave. Curse him and that face of his.

You were finally able to leave. You hastily sped past Secretary Yu, and in the corner of your eye, you caught her confusion at your sudden departure. You could only hope she hadn’t heard anything. You don’t know how long she was there…

•────•──────────•────•

Maybe you should have just taken Jungkook up on his offer to take you right there on his desk again. You had underestimated your own ability to wait. Jungkook had riled you up too much. Watching him lose himself from your mouth, with his eager need to reciprocate, made you excited.

You hated it. You hated this. Just like that night, you had left his office feeling good, but once you made it back to your desk, those feelings of guilt and shame came back all over again. You had to remind yourself a couple of times that this was a married man you were messing with. He had a wife, and you were jeopardizing any chance of their relationship ever improving. The thought of being a homewrecker, the other woman, made your skin crawl. You hated it.

This was wrong, and that was all you should be feeling as the weight of your actions started to sink in. You hated it even more because you were excited, painfully so, as you watched the time tick down.

Jungkook certainly didn’t help either. It seemed his eyes were on you any chance they’d get. The strange thing was you saw more of him today than you usually do. Jungkook liked to spend his days holed up in his office, aside from the meetings he was required to attend and oversee, but today things were different.

Jungkook was everywhere you turned, that same dopey look still on his face, and he always seemed to be staring at you. You wanted to scream at him because he couldn’t make it any more obvious, but you couldn’t because you liked his hungry gaze. It just fueled your thoughts about what might happen at four.

You were uncomfortably hot despite the freezing temperature outside. You were angry, you were way too horny, and as much as you should have been running away when the time finally struck four, you couldn’t have been happier.

Jungkook had texted you about an hour ago (you both had quickly exchanged numbers right before you left) that he was going to go about five minutes or so early to let you in and asked for you to wait a little while just in case anyone saw anything. Just like a few hours prior, you walked through the halls looking over your shoulder, closely analyzing to make sure no one was following or even seeing you in the hallway. It was more stressful than it should have been, but eventually, you made it to where Jungkook had instructed.

Storage Closet. Okay, this was it.

*Knock knock,* you paused for a second, and then followed it up with an additional two knocks. It had also been his idea to add a special, secret password just in case. You thought it was a little much, but he looked so cute while he came up with the code, so you let him have his fun.

It took a second, and you were a little scared that for some reason this wasn’t the right door, or that maybe Jungkook might not be there yet and you came too early. But right as your anxiety soared through the roof, a small crack opened in the doorway.

Lo and behold, peaking right through the door were the big, round, bewildered eyes of the man you were hoping for. You let out a sigh of relief as he opened the door further, revealing that it was just him in here like he promised. You looked around once more before going inside.

Jungkook had kept the lights off, but as he shut the door behind you, he finally turned on the dim light and you were able to see the space a little better. It was pretty much exactly what you expected. There were mainly shelves lined with cleaning supplies and the occasional surplus of office supplies, like a huge stack of printer paper that you quickly made note of to ask Jungkook about later because you were always running out in the copy room. Besides that, there were a couple of tables you were confused what they were for, but some lined the space where the shelves ended, and there was also one that sat right in the center of the room. The room wasn’t that big, smaller than Jungkook’s office, but not by much. It definitely wasn’t cramped, and you let out a sigh of relief knowing it wasn’t grimy like you had feared. Instead, it matched the rest of the modern sleekness of the office outside. It really was perfect.

You finally turned around to face Jungkook. He hadn’t said anything yet, but with the telling look in his eyes, he didn’t need to. You had only just noticed that Jungkook had gotten rid of his suit jacket, now just adorning his white button-up carefully tucked into his blue slacks with the sleeves rolled up. It all came together with a black belt with a shiny, gold buckle that glinted in the low light. You could only imagine how much it cost knowing the type of money he had. He looked good, too good. It’s like he had a long day at work, casting aside his jacket for a little more breathing room, and was now standing right in front of you. He looked casual, but classy in a way that made you squeeze your thighs together because, wow. With this look, you could even catch a glimpse of the tattoos that you had seen the other day. It was too much. You were too weak, and you just needed this man now.

“Sooooo…” you began, the silence starting to grow a little awkward.

Jungkook honestly didn’t know what to say. He was too busy drinking you in. The minute you left his office, he instantly regretted not asking if you had time to slip away to the storage room a little sooner. He was riding a high he didn’t know how to come down from. You had blown his mind. Sex had never felt that good, and you taking the initiative had been something he struggled to comprehend all day. It just made him even more eager to please you. You had been so nice, nicer than what he deserved, and he just wanted to make you feel even a sliver of what you gave him. He highly doubted it could compare, but anything to show you how grateful he was to have you here with him.

Jungkook had struggled to keep it together since the moment you left. His eyes found you easily as he was pulled out of his office far more often than usual. It was nice to see you, but it just made this moment that much harder to wait for. Now that you were in front of him…

Jungkook barely noticed you had spoken. Instead, his gaze fixated on your long legs, your sheer black stockings coming up all the way to meet your short, black pencil skirt. Your outfit was completed nicely with a red blouse and pointed stilettos, making you even more alluring. You had also done a bit more fixing up since you left his office. Your red lipstick was back to perfection and your hair was neatly styled back the way it was when you initially walked into his office.

He didn’t have the confidence to say it earlier, and he was honestly a little ashamed that it was even a thought in his head, but he liked the way you looked after he was done with you. Something about ruining your neatness made his length ache in a way he didn’t quite understand. It was embarrassing, and he knew he should be ashamed, but for some reason today, he just didn’t know how to act.

Jungkook’s feet acted faster than his mouth could. He was never the best with words anyway. Slowly, he approached you, and instinctively you moved back until your legs hit one of the tables that lined the walls. Jungkook was quick to close the gap, pulling you into another tight embrace that made it so easy to bury into your warmth. For a second he just took it in, loving how you felt in his arms, and you smelled so good too.

“Fuck.” He lightly moaned into your shirt, embarrassed at how easy it was to rile him up. It didn’t take much from Yuri, nor did it take a lot from you either. Maybe he was easy. Yuri has mentioned before how easy he was to please. Jungkook never knew exactly what that meant. He was just trying to be a good husband. It felt wrong to demand anything more than what Yuri offered… but maybe she was right.

However, he didn’t want to think about that now. You made it so easy to forget about his marriage when normally the only thing he could focus on was how much of a failure he was, how he was making Yuri miserable, and how he could make her happy only if he was a little better. Instead, it felt like the rest of the world melted away anytime he was in your presence. It might sound horrible, but he enjoyed the silence for once.

“Jungkook?” You finally questioned after he held onto you a little too long.

“Oh right, I’m sorry.” His face burned, worried you might think he was weird. He separated from you and went back over towards the door, where he held up his hand to the light switch.

“Not a lot of people come down this hallway. No one should bother us, but just in case, it might be better to keep the lights off so no one suspects we’re in here,” Jungkook added. It was both a legitimate reason and also an excuse to turn the lights off again. The lights were dim, but not dim enough, and the thought of you seeing him, disappointing you like he had done to Yuri so many times… he couldn’t do that. It would be easier this way.

“Oh? Smart thinking, sir.”

Jungkook quickly flipped the lights off, the only light now coming in was from underneath the door. Both of you could hardly see each other, but Jungkook was used to the dark. His eyes adjusted quickly to see a vague outline of your form standing by the desk.

“Mmmmm… What did I say about being so formal with me?” His tone was low, teasing almost, and when his hand grazed your arm, you practically jumped in surprise. It made you shiver when you realized he was so close.

“No Sir, no Mr. Jeon, no Director Jeon, no Head Director Jeon. It’s just Jungkook when we’re alone like this,” Jungkook mumbled slowly. He hated it, especially from you. It felt weird anytime anyone was formal with him, but he especially couldn’t stand the honorifics when you were both literally the same age. It felt wrong and fake, and that’s not what he wanted to be like with you.

“I got you. I’m sorry, Jungkook.” You made sure to emphasize his name since apparently he liked hearing it.

He did. He really did for some reason. Taking him out of the moment slightly, he had to stop himself from giggling at you trying to make him out in the dark, your squinting all too adorable. It made the horrible need to have you consume him in seconds.

Jungkook had his arms around you again, this time to lift you onto the table. He was gentle, like he always was, and he kept in close proximity. Having you this close again made his brain all fuzzy. Jungkook moved even closer and pulled you back into his arms.

“I missed you…” he sighed, an embarrassing confession but one that was true nonetheless. He couldn’t stop thinking about you since you’d left, and it felt so good to have you here.

You didn’t want to admit it either, but it felt so good to have him here as well. You sighed in relief as you pulled him closer, wrapping your arms around his neck.

It was a moment of softness that neither of you were really prepared for. It was nice though; you couldn’t deny it. He gave great hugs, so warm and inviting. There was an unexpected sweet smell in the air around him. You could tell his cologne was expensive, it was soft and delicate, just like the wine he gifted you on Tuesday. You felt like you could get drunk from his very presence, and that just made the ache even worse.

“Jungkook, please—” you rushed out, and he was quick to respond. Jungkook pulled you close, finally closing the agonizing distance between you two. You both had run out of patience to be soft and you were too needy to take it slow, instead going straight in with hurried and desperate kisses.

Your lips chased after each other. Any moment apart felt like an eternity, and when his hands came up and gently tugged on your blouse, the room grew hot quickly. You both knew at the end of the day, as much as you wanted to savor this moment, you were still in the middle of the workday. This had to be quick.

Jungkook let his hand roam down your sides, touching and squeezing anything he could grab. Your blouse came first. He anxiously toyed with the few buttons it had and you both made quick work of undoing them until you could feel the chill air of the storage room on your chest. It made you remember what you had on underneath, and you cursed to yourself slightly when you realized it wasn’t anything cute, just a regular, plain black bra. But you found some relief in the fact that it was dark in here. You could still barely see Jungkook even after a few minutes had passed. However, Jungkook must have superhuman eyes because you felt him pull back for a second, and you thought you could see him staring because of the faint outline cast onto him from the light underneath the door.

And he was staring. How could he not? You took his breath away every time he saw you. You were too kind for doing this, and deep down he knew that it was likely because of how pitiful he looked. It was probably the only reason any of this was happening. You gave him the same look that everyone else did. Dr. Min, Jimin, Dae-Jung… he’d seen it too many times. He hated it. He hated the pity. They just didn’t understand, you didn’t either apparently, that he deserved everything he got.

To try and rid himself of his darkening thoughts, he quickly kissed you once again as his hand trailed up your thigh to push your short skirt up. It pleased him more than anything when he felt your soft skin, letting him know you were wearing thigh-highs once again.

Jungkook groaned into the kiss, a burning desire returning all too quickly. No, no— this was about you. As much as he might want to have you, he was being too greedy. Even though Yuri wasn’t here, he could hear her words filled with disappointment at him for being so selfish. You already fucked him a few days ago, and despite his pathetic begging, you gave him his first blowjob. It had been all about him so far, and you’d given more than he ever deserved. If he could only stop thinking with his dick for five seconds, maybe he could make you feel even a quarter of what you gave him—

Tears pricked his eyes with just the feeling of having you so close as your hands ran over his shirt—

“Wanna make you feel good…” Jungkook said, far too shakily. His hand snaked in between your bodies, his eager fingers shocked to meet the wetness of your panties.

“Please, Jungkook, please,” you cried out as quietly as you could. You couldn’t take it anymore. He quickly learned he wasn’t like Yuri; begging worked far too well on him.

Jungkook stepped out from between your legs to give himself a little more room. But right before you could complain at the distance, Jungkook put a reassuring grip on your waist and his other hand traced the expanse of your covered thighs ever so lightly. Your breath was shaky the closer he grew to where you wanted— no, needed him, as his fingers lightly ran over your stockings, your body going into overdrive anytime he’d inch a little closer.

“Fuck—” you whined, enjoying the light teasing, but you wanted more. You had no idea what he was doing, but every touch felt so sensitive. He finally pushed past your skirt and played with the hem of your stockings, pulling them back and letting them snap lightly back into place.

You both moaned.

“You’re so hot, I—” Jungkook groaned, but didn’t finish what he was going to say because something about that seemed to have set him off. He buried his face in your neck, quickly planting desperate kisses along your skin as his hand finally made their way to your panties once more, rubbing the soaked fabric.

The way you practically yelped when you felt his fingers running over your slit was a little embarrassing. The way he made you feel didn’t make any sense. Jungkook knew just the way to touch you that had you practically bucking into his hand as he finally settled his fingers on your clit. Despite his lack of experience in other subjects, Jungkook certainly knew how to touch the little bud the right way, though he already proved that to you the last time.

You gripped the table hard as waves of pleasure traversed your whole body, stimulating an eagerness you hadn’t felt in a while. It reminded you of college, being on your own for the first time in your life, and how that freedom came with a need to explore. It was good. You both didn’t know each other’s bodies yet, but you still found ways to make each other feel good and forget about the countless deadlines that loomed over you.

Jungkook gave you that rush all over again. A youthful rush that you only thought was possible to feel before you hit your second decade.

He must have noticed your growing frustration because his fingers finally pulled the soaked fabric to the side, and you were able to feel him without any barrier in the way. You were absolutely soaked, embarrassingly so. Over the buzzing of the AC in the background, the squelches of his fingers running through your drenched folds filled the room and made your cheeks burn.

In the dark all your senses were heightened. You felt Jungkook’s body on yours and his soft sighs of pleasure right in your ear as he rubbed himself lightly against your thigh. In the heat of it, you could tell he was holding himself back, how he wanted more but seemed keen on his promise to make you feel good this time.

Your body grew hotter by the second and the moment his fingers settled on your clit once again, drawing fast, teasing circles, while you struggled not to scream out loud. You quickly had to wrap your hands around his shoulders to stop yourself from crying out for any unlucky coworker who happened to be walking by to hear.

Even though the closet was slightly secluded in a hallway not many usually walked through, it certainly wasn’t far from where they did. You could even hear them in the far distance, the sounds of murmured voices growing louder before fading off, or the hurried clicking of heels through the tiled halls. They would definitely hear if you weren’t quiet.

But Jungkook was making that almost an impossible task by the way he was touching you. And you only wanted more.

“Jungkook!” His name tumbled from your lips far too loudly, your mind a little fuzzy, but you just needed him.

Suddenly, you felt a soft kiss on your cheek and then another one on your neck, a little slower this time in pulling away.

“Can I taste you?” Jungkook lightly moaned in your ear, so gentle and soft in the way he asked. Tingles spread through your whole body and a whole new wave of arousal soaked his fingers.

It was criminal how pretty he sounded.

“Please,” you whined as quietly as you could, tears pricking your eyes. You’d never been so turned on before. The shame at the realization that this was happening at your workplace filled you for a second, but Jungkook pulling his hand away and lightly running over your thigh quickly brought you back.

You groaned as you watched his faint outline move back between your legs and drop down to his knees. You could see the faint glimmer of his eyes as he bent down, his eager, yet innocent expression a deadly combination in such a compromising position like this one. But his innocence proved to be merely a facade. Jungkook quickly placed your legs over his shoulders, wrapped his arms around your thighs to hold them in place, and tugged you closer to the edge of the table. He was close enough that you could feel his shaky breath against your soaked folds. A shudder ran through your body. Maybe it was good you couldn’t really see him. You already knew you enjoyed the sight of him on his knees too much.

Suddenly, you felt light kisses trailing up your thigh, getting closer and closer to where you wanted him. “Want to make you feel good,” Jungkook softly sighed. “Just want to make someone feel good.” It was quiet, and you only just picked it up before Jungkook buried himself between your thighs.

You were certainly unprepared. Your mind was too fuzzy, all you knew was you needed to feel him. But your assumption about his lack of experience was once again proved to be incorrect.

Jungkook instantly got to work pleasing your body, planting soft kisses along the expanse of your inner thighs, growing closer until you whined when he kissed between your soaked folds. You had to swallow back a moan when you felt his tongue licking run up your slit. He was eager and didn't hold back once he found your clit. You groaned, feeling the tentative patterns he drew around the bud, skilled, knowing exactly what to do to have you seeing stars already.

“Fuck.” You wanted to scream, cry out, do something. The fact you couldn’t, turned you on in a way that confused you, but also frustrated you to no end.

Your hand raked through his hair, moving him closer and making sure he didn’t pull away anytime soon. You knew you could cum from this if he kept at it long enough. You never knew how much a little foreplay could rile you up, but for some reason you found yourself close to the edge already, even though he’d barely started.

Jungkook really didn’t need to do too much to affect you, but he was such an eager boy, desperate to please, and he wanted to give you the full experience despite the dwindling time you had before someone would start questioning where you both were.

Jungkook pulled away slightly and replaced his tongue with enthusiastic fingers, going back to pumping you with two, and tears pricked your eyes when he managed to fit in a third.

“Oh! Fu-oh,” you cried, and Jungkook couldn’t help but think the sounds you made were the hottest thing he’d ever heard.

Yuri wasn’t loud— Jungkook never knew how to take it, whether that meant he was doing a good job or not or if she was just on the quieter side. The only reason why he didn’t go crazy thinking it must be because he was terrible was because it was the only regular aspect of their sex lives. But with you, he decided he preferred the cute way you tried your best to keep quiet, but occasionally when he’d touch you just right, you’d make these adorable squeaks.

Your hand had found its way into his hair again, and with the way you held him close, you were practically fucking yourself against his tongue. You were a little rough, your grip tight, but he liked the way it stung. Your desperation was affecting him and he just wanted to make you feel good. He liked the way you were using him. It felt good to be used, needed, wanted, even if it was just for a second.

He was sloppy, not bothering to try and keep things classy. His mouth was practically covered in your arousal, but he loved it. You tasted amazing. Seeing you like this was amazing. Even though it was dark, he could see the way your eyebrows were furrowed by the faint glow coming through the cracks in the door. You were breathtaking. It made the strain in his slacks worsen, seeing you turn into a mess the longer he kept going. He was hardly keeping it together as it was. You probably felt it before he even dropped to his knees. He was hard, but he had to keep it together. This was about you, only you.

What would Yuri say if she knew how riled up he was getting even after you already gave him so much? She would be disappointed and so would you. He’s been so selfish. He just had to make you feel good—

Jungkook hoped you wouldn’t notice, but he was crying again. One tear fell, then two, then they just wouldn’t stop.

Jungkook groaned into your pussy, a mix of frustration and delight. You were so good, he had to be good for you too. And that seemed to be what it took to get you to start hurdling off the edge.

“Koo— Jungkook— fuck— fuck— close.” Your feeble attempts at being quiet were all in vain as your desperation grew for sweet release.

Jungkook was somehow able to make sense of your whimpering and quickly picked up the pace. He hastily switched back to using his mouth and wanted more than anything for you to finish on his tongue.

He was back with his skilled tongue, and your sensitivity brought you to the edge all too quickly. Jungkook focused on your bundle of nerves again, going from tracing to sucking to the point that you were a writhing mess in his arms. Your thighs tightened around his face, your grip in his hair growing tighter, making him groan out, the pleasure and pain a combination that made the ache somehow even worse. You were shaking in his grasp, your hushed whines growing more incoherent, and oh— he wanted to see you cum.

He felt like he could cum all over again. Embarrassing.

It wasn’t long after that Jungkook watched with eager eyes as you fell apart on his tongue. Wave after wave of pleasure kept hitting you. Jungkook helped you ride it out, easing up a bit, but staying close. You felt like you were riding on cloud nine, and for a second you even forgot where you were. The little closet disappeared, the company building disappeared, maybe the whole world vanished, leaving your mind in a state of bliss. It was just you and Jungkook and the overwhelming blissful end he gave you.

It took more than a moment for you to recover, your ragged breathing filling the space as you tried to pull yourself together. Jungkook eventually pulled away when you started to whine from the overstimulation.

It had never felt like that before. You could only imagine what type of pleasure he’d bring you under better conditions. This was going to be a problem. This was going to have to end one day, and you couldn’t get too attached.

After some time, Jungkook shakily rose to his feet. His body felt like it was on fire. You had nearly made him cum as he watched you reach your peak, it was too hot seeing you like that. Normally someone who’s always so put together and neat, you looked like a complete mess, and it just reaffirmed his earlier concern that, in fact, he enjoyed seeing you like that.

Horrible, wasn’t it?

Jungkook could hardly look away, his body screaming out to have you. The thought of walking out when he felt like this was unbearable, but this was about you, this needed to be about you. He didn’t want to disapp—

Then all of a sudden, your hands were on his shoulders, pulling him closer in an instant. He was back between your legs, and before he could question it any further, you were pulling him in for a fervent kiss.

You seemed not to care that he was still covered in your juices and Jungkook had to fight back the urge to buck into you like a wild animal at the thought. Yuri hated when he tried to kiss her afterward, she hated kissing him anyways.

He settled into it, one hand on your waist, the other lightly cupping your cheek. As much as he was trying to control himself, you made it impossible with the way your hands raked over his body, the thread of self-control he tried to maintain for your sake quickly withered away. With each second, he grew closer, to the point you were pressed right against each other. You could certainly feel it now, the way his body pleaded for yours. Jungkook had to quickly pull away, his eyes growing watery all over again.

“Wait!” He cried. He didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want to at all. He could see your confusion in the darkness.

“This was about you— I promised— I—” It hurt so badly. He wanted you so badly.

You relaxed at his words.

“Well, I want you, so—” You started to rationalize, but Jungkook wasn’t having it.

“But—”

Instead of going back and forth and letting this turn into a long discussion, you decided to take action instead. Your hands found their way to his belt and quickly started to undo the strap. His breath was heavy as the buckle jingled when you finally managed to get it undone, and you didn’t give him any time to process before you went for his pants next and reached in to pull him out.

Jungkook groaned into your shoulder, feeling your hand wrap around his length. You lightly ran your hand down to the base and then back up, tracing your thumb along his leaky tip.

“Oh— oh— oh!” You were making it so hard for him. It was cruel. “I’ll wait, I’ll…I’ll…” The words were for himself more than you. He needed to keep himself in line, he had to.

“Mmmm, you certainly don’t feel like you want to wait,” you chuckled breathlessly. It was only meant to be a light tease, but you felt him shaking. His soft sniffles let you know he was actually crying.

“I’m sorry…” he sobbed. He felt like he had disappointed you. His body had betrayed him in a way that made Yuri scream at him anytime he tried to pull her close afterward. He wasn’t in control, he should be better than this, she’d always say.

“Jungkook, didn't you hear me earlier? I said I wanted you.” Instead of the degradation he was expecting, the softness of your voice as you pulled him a little closer melted him in your grasp. You couldn’t even imagine the things he’d been told that would make him think this way.

You couldn’t really see it, but Jungkook was staring at you wide-eyed. For some reason, he was having issues processing your words. They just didn’t make sense. He had already taken too much, hadn’t he? But the simple thought of you wanting more had him subtly moving his cock within your grip.

“Do you want to do this?” You asked when you noticed his movement.

Despite your confession earlier, Jungkook found it hard to admit how much he wanted to fuck you. You took it upon yourself to help him, bringing his tip to your soaked folds and letting it run through your arousal.

“Fuck— Y/n!” he whined. It instantly got a reaction from him, his need soaring beyond all reason. He couldn’t think straight anymore, and all he could focus on was the thought of finally slipping inside you again, just like he’d been imagining over the last few days.

“Do you want this?” You repeated, still so soft. Not a demand that he had to fulfill, but a genuine question asking if he wanted more from this.

For a second, he didn’t answer, the sound of his breathing growing more labored as you ran his cock up and down your slick. He couldn’t answer. You felt so good and he was trying his best to get back in control, to not be so weak as Yuri would always say, but you made it so hard.

He wanted to fuck you, and he probably would have pushed into you right then and there if suddenly he didn’t remember something.

“I— I still don’t have any condoms with me,” Jungkook cried, tears slipping down his cheeks as he fell into your shoulder. Fuck— how was he going to walk away from this?

“We don’t need one— I’m still on the pill, remember?” You pulled him away so you could look him in the eye. “If you’re ok with it, we could continue, but if you’re not comfortable doing that again, that’s completely fine.” You smiled, and there was genuine concern behind your gaze.

Jungkook normally wasn’t the risky type when it came to sex. He barely had sex enough for a habit like that to even be established, but with Yuri he was always so careful. She would never forgive him for even taking the chance of getting her pregnant, and he didn’t want it either. Not when he was like this, clinging to life by only a few short strands. With Yuri, he made sure things were right no matter his desperation, but with you… Once was risky enough, the heat of emotions causing protection to completely slip his mind. He had remembered this time, but after hearing your reassurance, his usual caution was thrown to the wind and all he could care about was feeling you.

In a haste, Jungkook took it upon himself to finally guide his cock into your warmth, moving your hand out of the way while he grabbed his length and finally slipped it into your slick hole. He watched your expression intently as it turned from surprise into bliss, pleasure overtaking your features, and you just looked so pretty. It made his desperation worse as your tight warmth enveloped him. You were so wet; he slipped in so easily, like you needed him just as badly as he needed you.

Jungkook had to fight back the urge to sob. After so many days of playing your night together over and over in his head, his imagination could never compare to how good you felt in real life. Despite his earlier indulgence, Jungkook had to fight tooth and nail to deter himself from filling you up right away. You had had to deal with that once already, he couldn’t disappoint you— not again. The fact that you were even doing this with him was gracious enough. He couldn’t keep putting you through his failures.

Jungkook tried to slow his breathing down while he waited for you to get adjusted and for himself to calm down enough to move without instantly blowing his load. Even now, you were making it difficult in the way you were squeezing around him, and he already knew he wouldn’t last very long no matter how hard he tried.

You noticed he was tense and planted a few kisses across his cheeks, but Jungkook pushed your face so your lips would finally meet his again, engaging in another passionate kiss that only made you squeeze somehow even tighter around him.

Jungkook broke the kiss and let out something between a groan and a whine. “Fuck— fuck— I—” He wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t just going to cum right then and there. Embarrassing.

“I’m sorry— so sorry.” He cried. “I don’t think I’ll make it very long…” You would probably want nothing to do with him after this.

You went back to kissing his cheeks. “Don’t stress, ok? Fuck me how you want to, don’t hold back for me.” Your warm smile could be seen even in the darkness. You looked like an angel…

Your words set a fire inside him. Fuck me how you want to— you were far too nice for someone as pathetic as he was. But as shameful as it was, he enjoyed your sympathy.

Jungkook didn’t hold back anymore and finally started moving his hips. You both moaned, but quickly realized the volume of your mistake, pulling each other into another kiss instead. You both swallowed each other's cries amidst the sounds of clothes ruffling, and the wet, slick sound of his quickening pace pumping into your heat. The table you were sitting on started to creak with his hurried struggle to properly feel you again.

Jungkook rolled his hips in a way that made your toes curl and had you struggling to keep quiet. He was good, settling into a nice, rhythmic roll after a few desperate thrusts in the beginning. His size filled you up in all the right places, a satisfying stretch that you could more than just grow used to.

It wasn’t long before you both had turned into a tangled mess of limbs trying to feel each other. Jungkook had buried himself in your shoulder. Kissing you grew impossible. Instead, he cried out as silently as he could into your skin.

He managed to delay his release for longer than he had expected, but the rush still came on quicker than he would have liked.

“Close!” He whined as quietly as he could before picking up the pace. He couldn’t last much longer with the way you were squeezing around him. It was all too much, and before he could even try and hold it back any longer, his hips stilled and he filled you up with everything he could give.

Jungkook quickly pulled you into a kiss as his hand made its way between your bodies, and his fingers hastily found your clit again. He started making hurried motions around the bud until you were clinging onto his shoulders while your next orgasm surged through your body. You both were out of breath as the heat of the moment began to simmer down. It was the first moment he was finally able to think clearly again. There was one half of him that looked at you with the utmost admiration, someone far too kind to be messing with him. He never thought he could get enough of you. Then there was the other half…

The post-bliss clarity made him look at the situation as it truly was. He was cheating. This had truly turned into cheating. He’d betrayed Yuri’s trust, and there was nothing he could ever do to regain it. He didn't deserve to. But as horrible as it was, Jungkook found himself wanting to do it with you all over again, to have you in his arms so the world would melt away and he could just indulge.

But unfortunately, the other half looked at you with the same shame and disgust he held for himself. All you were now was a reminder of how horrible of a person he’d become, and he couldn’t stand it.

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#bts smut #jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #for the birds #bts #jungkook #bts fluff #bts angst #bts jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts fanfic #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bangtan boys #bangtan sonyeondan #bts fan fiction #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst

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elyvorg · 2 years ago

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Kazuma Asogi: Behind the Paragon

The Great Ace Attorney is so very great that it’s become my favourite Ace Attorney game, and it’s also given me a new all-time favourite Ace Attorney character, in Kazuma! Despite him getting quite a bit less screentime than the other major characters, he’s just so fascinating and has so much going on under the surface that’s perfect for me to get my analytical teeth into. So here's a big analysis post in which I break all of that down and talk about Kazuma’s character in great detail. (There will be spoilers for Resolve, too.)

Now that we’re safely beyond the readmore, I can add that a lot of this comes from me having spent all of Kazuma’s screentime during my first playthrough of Resolve very intrigued but also very confused. I kept constantly switching my perception of what the hell was going on in his head, desperate to figure him out, determined to make it all make sense even after I’d finished the game and still couldn’t quite fit it all together yet. And, well, I’m confident that I have now! This is something of a record of my achievements in unravelling the fascinating puzzle that is Kazuma. But also even aside from that, he’s just delightful and full of so many issues, and all of it deserves to be talked about.

Because I used every scrap of canon Kazuma content I could get in order to get as much insight into him as possible, I’m going to be mentioning some stuff not from the main game here and there. There’s the Escapades, bonus scenes that can be found in the game’s special contents menu, the first two of which feature Kazuma. And then there’s some much more obscure bonus content: the original Japanese 3DS release of DGS2 came with a pre-order bonus of two mini cases, one set in Japan, the other set in London. These unfortunately cannot ever be republished and localised due to legal reasons, but fan translations of them can be found on Youtube if you search “Japan DLC”/”London DLC” along with Dai Gyakuten Saiban. (They’re technically not DLCs, but that seems to be what people have settled on calling them.) They can both be assumed to be canon, and as the Japan one features Kazuma as the POV character, it has some good relevant content for our purposes here. I highly recommend you go check them out! (The London one lacks Kazuma but is also good, especially if you like van Zieks.)

Part 1: Japan

Losing his father

Originally, I felt like I ought to start this off by talking about just how much Kazuma idolised his father when he was alive. But then I realised there’s not much opportunity to do that when we don’t actually see any of his time with his father, beyond that one photograph. So it says a lot that we don’t need to have seen any of it to still be able to appreciate just how much Kazuma’s father meant to him, because it’s already so clear from the way his death shaped Kazuma’s entire life.

That said, we see barely any of it on the surface. Kazuma never talks about anything directly to do with his father at all until the Professor case is right in front of him and he can no longer avoid doing so. Even Ryunosuke went their entire friendship until Great Britain seemingly not having any inkling of the fact that Kazuma’s father was so important to him, let alone anything involving his death. From Adventures alone, we get basically no indication of the single most fundamental part of Kazuma’s entire character.

The one way in which Kazuma’s devotion to his father is even somewhat apparent on the surface – the only part of any of this that he ever freely talks about – is in how precious Karuma is to him. Kazuma is very firm about his belief that a Japanese man’s sword is his soul, and he mustn’t be parted from it. It’s true that this was a belief held by samurai in those times, but I’m sure that an even bigger reason why Kazuma is so insistent on never being parted from Karuma is that, by that same token, it also houses his father’s soul. So long as he keeps Karuma by his side, his father will always be there, watching over him. That must have been an immense help and comfort through his grief. (Very much like how Karuma was to Ryunosuke when he thought Kazuma was gone!)

No doubt the time Kazuma spent honing his swordsmanship with Karuma ever since he inherited it was a way for him to feel closer to his father. I like to think that the reason Kazuma’s so boastful about his Asogi Sword-Drawing Technique (something we learn about in Japan DLC) is that it was a technique his father had mastered, one that little Kazuma always admired and wished he could do too but could never manage it, until he had Karuma himself, when it was too late for his father to see and be proud of him. Calligraphy, too, is a pastime Kazuma most likely took up because, as he mentions in one bit of easy-to-miss dialogue, his father had a passion for it.

Mind you, Kazuma would be nothing if not used to chasing after his father’s absent back, what with how Genshin spent six years prior to his death still being decidedly Not There in his son’s life. But I’m sure Kazuma would have had an easier time handling his absence then, when he knew it was for a good reason – no doubt Genshin had told him all about how important it was that he studies in Great Britain in order to make Japan’s judicial system the best it can be. (Though even then, living without his father must have been harder for little Kazuma than he’d have wanted to admit.)

But it’s not the same at all when he’s simply gone forever and never coming back and this never should have happened. Kazuma’s not seen his father in six whole years, and now he never will again. It’s a strange, atemporal kind of bereavement. When did Kazuma lose his father, really? The day he learned of his death? The day several months before that on which Genshin actually died? Or the day six years past, the last time he ever saw his father alive? That’d be hard for anyone to cope with, much less a child – even less a child whose bereaved mother is unable to be emotionally supportive, leaving him in the care of a new guardian he doesn’t know all that well.

Living with the Mikotobas

It’s a little unclear exactly when or even why Kazuma moved in with Mikotoba. Our only real indication is that Susato says he came to live with them “after she’d got used to having her father around”. Given that she was only six years old at the time, I can’t imagine that would have taken her that long – maybe a few months, tops? So Kazuma’s reason for coming to live with them couldn’t be because his mother had died, since that happens later. However, given that his mother eventually passes from grief, it’s easy to imagine that within those few months after learning of Genshin’s death, she became mentally unwell enough to be unable to look after Kazuma, and thus Mikotoba had to take him in. So that’s how I imagine it happened.

As for Mikotoba – well, we already know that he’s not the greatest at dealing with grief. Even coming back to Japan with the resolve to finally face his family again and be a proper father to Susato wouldn’t necessarily have made him any better at the emotional side of things. The pain from losing Genshin, his good friend, would still have been raw, and everything that happened was so awful and sudden and unresolved, and so… he chose to lie to Kazuma about the circumstances of his father’s death, feeling that would be better than having this bereaved teenager learn the horrible truth.

Kazuma always suspected Mikotoba had lied to him, even before the letter. He idolised his father as the Greatest Person Ever – there must have been a part of him that felt that surely someone that incredible could never have been taken by something as mundane as illness. (And perhaps, in some sense, he wanted it to be more than just that, because he didn’t know how to cope with all this grief and desperately wanted there to be somebody to blame.)

Still, Kazuma couldn’t really begrudge Mikotoba for lying, because he could understand that it was out of a desire to protect his feelings. But on the other hand, it must have hurt, having so desperately wanted to know the real truth about what happened to his father, and having that hidden from him out of pity, as if his feelings were too fragile.

This is bound to have shaped Kazuma into the mindset that if he ever wanted to learn the truth about his father, he needed to stop having feelings, because if anyone saw that he was hurting in any way, they’d pity him, and coddle him, and think he couldn’t handle it. And besides, Mikotoba, his only remaining parent figure, would have been not at all someone Kazuma felt he could open up to and be vulnerable around, because Mikotoba himself doesn’t know how to be openly vulnerable with grief either. (And Susato? She was far too young to burden with this.)

So Kazuma learned to shut it all away. He is far, far too good at suppressing his emotions about his father’s death, to the point that even he doesn’t consciously realise most of them exist. I’m pretty sure that the way Mikotoba approached the whole thing has to be a lot of the reason why.

The life-changing letter

The timing of when Kazuma received that fateful letter is harder to pin down. The only real indication is that he talks about how it revealed what had been hidden from him “for all those years”, which suggests it was several years after his father’s death, but I don’t know if that feels right? First of all, it seems odd that the anonymous writer of the letter, who did so out of uncontainable grief and resentment, would wait several years to get that off their chest. And I also feel like it ought to have been fairly early on in the timeline, because it very much feels like Kazuma has spent the majority of the ten years since his father’s death knowing about his execution and desperately wanting to put things right. It’s possible that Kazuma says it was “all those years” only because his sense of time has become warped by grief – and because the last time he saw his father alive was six years before his death, which would make it feel like longer than it really was.

Whenever exactly it happened, receiving the letter would have had a massive impact on Kazuma and been a huge turning point for him. When he’s finally telling Ryunosuke and Susato the truth about his father’s fate in the scene in his office, this is the one part where he gets somewhat vaguely close to expressing something of how he felt about it – that is to say, he says that it “changed my life”. That’s not an exaggeration.

All along, he was right to have assumed his father wasn’t really taken by illness, that there was more to it, that Mikotoba was lying to him – but this is so much harder to cope with. Even worse than him having simply died, even more horrible than him having been simply murdered. It’s wrong. It’s not fair. And perhaps more importantly than any of that… there’s someone he can blame.

I’m very sure that Kazuma’s hatred of van Zieks extends all the way back to the day he received that letter. The letter itself probably didn’t mention van Zieks, but it also came with a newspaper clipping to prove its legitimacy – probably a headline such as “Barok van Zieks Avenges Older Brother in Glorious Courtroom Victory against the Dreaded Professor!” There’d certainly have been plenty of reasons for the newspapers to have mentioned his name when reporting what they were allowed to disclose about that case.

The main reason I’m really sure that Kazuma’s hatred of van Zieks is so long-lasting (long enough to support the idea that he must have received the letter quite early on) is because of how heartbreakingly irrational it is. If it’d been something that Kazuma only latches onto in the eight days after regaining his memory and realising this was the man who’d prosecuted his father, he’d have been nowhere near as desperately fanatical about it in the ensuing trial. This is a deeply formative grudge that’s festered for the better part of ten years, born from the rage of a broken, grieving teenager who had no idea what else to do with all of that pain.

Because he certainly couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Susato was still just a child, far too young to burden with any of this. Mikotoba had already lied to him in an attempt to protect his feelings, leaving Kazuma unwilling to trust him with the exact painful truth the man had been trying to shield him from. And when he went to Jigoku, someone less close to him whom he maybe thought would be more likely to just give it to him straight, he got laughed off, after seeing for a moment in Jigoku’s eyes that he knew and was lying about it too. No wonder Kazuma internalised the idea that he cannot ever tell anybody about this, so powerfully that that concept even persisted in the amnesiac voice that drew him to London, telling him ”no-one else must know”.

When grief became determination

Even so, even after receiving the letter and learning the awful truth, Kazuma didn’t immediately fixate on his goal to go to Britain and put things right himself. No doubt he would have wanted to, and thought about it and imagined the idea of it. But it must have seemed so unreachable – for him, to become the very best law student in all of Japan in order to be chosen for such a rare opportunity as an exchange to Great Britain. And then, to somehow be able to pierce through the lies and find the truth, against corruption so powerful that it even destroyed someone as impossibly amazing as his father…? That’s nothing but a fleeting dream. Lost among his grief, he must have felt so small, so powerless to ever achieve something that huge against such impossible odds.

But then, a year after Kazuma received the letter, his mother died too, finally succumbing to her own grief. Not only did Kazuma find himself with even more unbearable pain to deal with, but he was also faced with a very stark illustration that grief can literally kill you.

And, in Kazuma’s own words, that’s when he made up his mind: that one day he would make it to Great Britain and seek the truth, no matter what it took. It was that additional agony of losing his mother to the same horrible injustice that took his father, and the fear – no doubt subconscious; I can’t imagine he’d have ever consciously broached the thought – that the grief would kill him too if he didn’t find some way to cope with it and push it down and turn it into purpose, that led to his unbelievable determination to personally put things right.

Kazuma really is incredibly strong. He’s had to be. He even frames it to himself as “I had no choice”, when really, of course he made a choice to do this. But it doesn’t feel that way to him, not when the only alternative he could see was to let himself be obliterated by grief and helplessness.

Perfectionism and Fate

Kazuma’s sheer determination to fulfil his mission at all costs ended up shaping a lot of other little things about the kind of person he is.

It’s subtly notable in a number of places that Kazuma is kind of a ridiculous perfectionist. Escapade 1 in particular is a great source of it – he literally wears that headband as a constant reminder to himself of the time he messed up a tongue-twister once, what a dork. One might think that this simply comes from him being an Asogi; van Zieks comments after his first trial day that Kazuma’s “flawless performance very much reminded me of his father”, implying Genshin was also a lot like this. Then there’s the whole thing about the, uhh, Karuma clan having originated from an apprentice to Genshin. But while that’s probably part of why Kazuma’s like this, I don’t think it can be all of it. Genshin was a good dad and I cannot imagine him being so brutally strict as to ingrain such an overwhelming standard of perfectionism into his eight-year-old son.

The real reason Kazuma became so incredibly intolerant of the slightest mistake or flaw is that he felt like he had to be, in order to achieve his goal. Only the very best of the best could ever be chosen to study abroad in Great Britain, so he couldn’t afford the slightest failure. And it’d take someone even greater than that to be taken seriously as a foreign student in the British courts – where he knows his father must have not been – and to pierce through corruption so strong that it even defeated his father. Kazuma must have felt like he had to become nothing short of perfect.

But even then, even if Kazuma devotes everything he has to studying and manages to become the most perfect, skilled, disciplined lawyer the world has ever seen… there’s still a chance that might not be enough. There are certain parts of his goal of getting to Britain that are out of his hands and are basically down to nothing but luck. What if the Japanese government just never offers another British study tour? What if he gets passed up for some arbitrary reason such as being too young, or them not accepting defence lawyers, that has nothing to do with his ability?

This leads into another interesting subtle trait of Kazuma’s that grew from this, which is that he appears to have particularly strong ideas about fate. It’s right there in the official localised title of his character theme, for one: “Samurai of Destiny”. The amnesia voice – which is made out of thoughts ingrained deeply enough in him that they weren’t completely forgotten – tells him that his destiny awaits him in London. During a press dialogue in 2-4 when Sandwich is mumbling something about fate, Kazuma chips in with, “The defence is fated to lose. And the prosecution to win,” which comes across as very forceful and weirdly uncalled-for of him.

But Kazuma has to believe that coming to Britain and winning this trial and avenging his father is his destiny. He has to believe that fate is on his side for all of the parts of his mission that aren’t under his control. The possibility that he could fail anyway, despite all his effort and hard work, purely due to some random chance… that’s just a completely unbearable thought. There’s a very telling line he delivers at the end of Japan DLC, which sounds like a principle of his that he lives by: “If you hold onto your will, then the winds will blow in your favour.” Kazuma has had to convince himself that so long as he works as hard as he can for the sake of his goal, Fate itself will reward his determination by granting him the opportunities he needs to achieve it.

Unexpected friendship

One thing Kazuma very much wasn’t expecting Fate to do for him, mind you, was to give him a best friend. As we learn in Escapade 1, Ryunosuke and Kazuma meeting really was complete happenstance that could easily not have come to pass. Ryunosuke just happened to be Kazuma’s final opponent in the speech competition, and then Kazuma just happened to be bad enough at tongue twisters to flub his final line (about filial piety, because of course Kazuma’s speech was about filial piety, aka respecting one’s parents and elders), such that Ryunosuke won the competition and registered in Kazuma’s head as a person of note.

(I also love how their meeting in the speech competition mirrors their actual dynamic in a lot of ways. Kazuma went into his speech with a strict and perfect plan, and then choked when he made a small unexpected mistake, while Ryunosuke just kinda bumbled along with something much simpler and more instinctive but didn’t stop for anything. As such, Kazuma ended up being the one to idolise Ryunosuke, despite that Ryunosuke would never imagine that was the case. Plus it’s just very fitting that they first met as opponents and rivals, given their eventual opposing roles in the courtroom.)

Kazuma approached Ryunosuke after the competition not even out of any attempt to befriend him, but simply to ask him how he doesn’t trip up on his words – in other words, Kazuma just wanted to learn how to be perfect again after his “failure”. And yet, Ryunosuke, the precious earnest dork that he is, saw that the super amazing star student Kazuma Asogi seemed to want to get to know him, and just kinda friended at him real hard? And it worked… and all of a sudden Kazuma found himself with a best friend, completely without having intended it.

Having a friend like Ryunosuke brings out another side to Kazuma that’s very rarely seen – that of a more normal person that he otherwise might have kept being if he hadn’t lost his father. It’s difficult to realise just how rare and remarkable this is, especially for the first half of the game, as we experience everything from Ryunosuke’s perspective and so only see what Kazuma is like around his friend. But we can see glimpses of it in how he interacts with other people. Even with Mikotoba, who’s Kazuma’s surrogate father figure and someone he’s known for most of his life – Kazuma stands to attention when speaking with him and seems a lot more formal and guarded compared to his relaxed, open body language with his friend. He basically never smiles at anyone except for Ryunosuke (and sometimes Susato too, but it’s a lot rarer), because their friendship is the only source of genuine happiness Kazuma has in his life. Without Ryunosuke, Kazuma would probably never smile, and barely even remember what it felt like to be happy… and I doubt he’d even realise how unusual and tragic this is, because something like happiness isn’t relevant next to his mission.

It might seem from Ryunosuke’s perspective, with how much he idolises Kazuma, that he’s the one who benefitted the most from their friendship. But really, Ryunosuke would have been fine without Kazuma – a little aimless, perhaps, but he’d have lived a perfectly decent life. Kazuma, though? Without Ryunosuke, he would have found his burdens so much harder to bear, and might even have lost himself to his demons entirely in Great Britain. Kazuma was always the one who needed Ryunosuke, not the other way around. I suspect that it was Kazuma who started calling Ryunosuke “partner” first – he’s the one who uses the term more – out of noticing that Ryunosuke seemed to feel inferior to him and wanting to make it clear that they should be equals. He respects and looks up to and is grateful to Ryunosuke so much more than he could ever say.

On the surface, though, Kazuma mostly seems to show his affection with plenty of biting snark, and also a lot of stern nagging at Ryunosuke to study harder and be less scatterbrained and things such as that. He’s basically a dad friend! Which feels very appropriate for Kazuma, for obvious reasons. Hopefully Ryunosuke helped Kazuma out in his own, opposing way, by encouraging him to take breaks sometimes and not work himself way too hard. I’m sure that Ryunosuke, being an English student – a subject he chose probably just because he likes words and wordplay and therefore finds it interesting – also would have been able to help Kazuma a lot with practicing his English for when he goes to Britain.

As for Kazuma’s Britain mission, Ryunosuke quickly became abundantly aware of just how determined his friend was to go there… and yet Kazuma evidently could never bring himself to tell even his best friend the reason why. It must have been incredibly refreshing for Kazuma to have a part of his life so completely unconnected from the overwhelming weight of his mission and his father’s death looming over him, something that could let him just feel normal for a little while. It seems like Ryunosuke never even knew that Kazuma had lost his father at all until the waxwork scene, and even afterwards, he low-key buys into the idea that Genshin was the Professor until their conversation in Kazuma’s office. This means that not only did Kazuma never bring up his father’s death to his friend, he also never mentioned his father at all, because Ryunosuke would have been a lot less likely to assume that Genshin was a serial killer if he’d ever heard Kazuma talking about his father with pride.

And yet, perhaps it’s also because Ryunosuke is so completely unconnected to any of the events and people who had to do with his father’s death in Britain that Kazuma eventually felt somewhat able to open up to him about it – or at least, he was clearly trying to work his way up to doing so while on the Burya. He couldn’t bring himself to get that close to the truth with anybody else, not even Susato, despite her being his literal assistant (you’d think she’d need to know at some point, Kazuma) and also basically his sister. And she was already fully aware of at least the part where he'd lost his father, which is one step up from Ryunosuke. But she’s too connected to the events of ten years ago by being Mikotoba’s daughter, and was also so very young until quite recently, so it just never crossed Kazuma’s mind that he could perhaps confide in her, even though of course he trusts her in principle. Poor Susato.

Being a lawyer

While pursuing his mission, Kazuma studied to become a lawyer – a choice that’s rather interesting, considering what happened to his father. On the one hand, a lawyer is the kind of person who could hypothetically have saved Genshin from that wrongful execution. On the other, being a prosecutor was always really the better path for Kazuma to take for the sake of his actual goal of bringing the people responsible for his father’s death to justice!

According to Susato, Kazuma’s goal to become a lawyer is “a promise he’d made to his father”. It’s ambiguous whether this is a promise he made directly to his father while he was alive, or a promise he made as part of his personal mission to avenge him following his death. I think it’s a lot more likely to be the former, though, for a few reasons. If it was the latter, it’s bound to be because a lawyer could have prevented his father’s wrongful execution – but I don’t know if Kazuma would fixate so much on this empty hypothetical of how things could have gone when it’s far too late for that, not next to the more grimly pragmatic approach of being a prosecutor. And the fact that I’ve gravitated towards the implication that Kazuma moved in with the Mikotobas before he received That Letter (and he implicitly told Susato about his promise soon after he moved in) means he probably wanted to be a lawyer before then anyway.

So, I believe Kazuma promised his father he’d become a lawyer in person, while they were still together! I imagine Genshin told his son a lot about what he was hoping to achieve for Japan’s justice system, and why defence lawyers needed to be introduced as a crucial part of making it fairer for everyone. And so, little Kazuma, hanging onto every word of his father’s ideals and eager to make him proud, promised he’d become one of the very first defence lawyers himself! He does always say that he wants to study in Britain for the sake of improving Japan’s legal system, and while that’s obviously not his main reason, I don’t think Kazuma would be comfortable saying it so often if it wasn’t still true.

…And then, his father died, and of course he would want to cling to that promise no matter what, even if his desire to change Japan’s legal system suddenly becomes very much second priority, and even if another path might actually be more practical for his ultimate goal.

(And even once he reads the letter and knows what his goal is, there’d be a large part of him that wouldn’t want to change his mind and become a prosecutor, no matter how much more practical that might be. After all, it was a prosecutor who got his father killed, and he’d hate the very idea of becoming the same kind of person as that monster Barok van Zieks.)

As part of being a lawyer, Kazuma has also formulated some strong principles about what it means to be one. A lawyer’s greatest weapon is their belief in their client, because they can’t ever know the truth for sure, and this means they have to believe in their own judgement of other people. He evidently cares about this enough to talk about it a fair bit, based on the fact that Ryunosuke can easily recall several of the things he’d said about it in the past.

Since lawyers are so new in Japan, and his father wasn’t one (detectives like Genshin would have to take a more objective approach, you’d think), Kazuma likely didn’t learn this stuff from anyone else. He must have come up with these principles himself. Which… when you move outside of the bubble of how Ryunosuke sees Kazuma and think about what Kazuma’s really like, seems almost odd. We’re talking about someone who only acquired a best friend by complete accident, someone whose interactions with everybody except for said best friend are almost entirely transactional, someone relentlessly, ruthlessly goal-driven… and yet somehow he manages to have such well-formed principles around the concept of believing in complete strangers.

So I believe that the only reason Kazuma has given so much thought to this is because of his own father’s case. For all he knows, Genshin really could have been a serial killer! He doesn’t have any proof either way! But of course Kazuma would be desperate to believe in his father’s innocence no matter what. Of course he’d want to cling to the notion that doing so, despite a lack of concrete evidence, is just the right thing for him to do, and that his judgement of his father from their time together has to be something he can rely on. That’s where all of his principles about a lawyer’s belief must have come from.

Despite this – and perhaps rather tellingly as to the fact that he came up with it for somewhat unrelated reasons – Kazuma also doesn’t seem to think he’s all that good at this whole believing-in-your-clients thing. After seeing his friend at work in one trial, he’s already acting like Ryunosuke’s obviously much better at it than him, even though his only evidence is Ryunosuke believing in him and his guidance, which is a completely different matter than believing that someone who’s accused of murder didn’t actually do it. Perhaps that’s out of a general overall sense Kazuma has that his best friend has always been better with people than he has, and was always more suited to this lawyer thing of choosing to believe in someone you’ve only just met, simply based on the kind of person Ryunosuke is.

Jigoku’s ultimatum: the assassination mission

About a year and a half after befriending Ryunosuke, it’s finally the time Kazuma’s been waiting for. After all the effort he’s been going through for the past nearly-ten years of his life, all that hard work, all that studying, it’s finally about to pay off. He’s finally going to take the exams to prove himself to be the best of the best and earn his place on an exchange to Great Britain.

But then, sometime during the exam period, Jigoku approaches him and tells him: actually, I don’t care how good you are, or how hard you’ve worked; the only way you’re getting a place on this study tour is if you agree to murder somebody.

And Kazuma realises, with a slow, dawning horror… that he’s actually going to agree to this. Something so underhanded and vile that under any other circumstances it would be unthinkable to him. Because he has to. Because nothing is more important to him than his goal.

Kazuma tells Ryunosuke on the Burya that he would sacrifice anything for the sake of his mission. But I think it’s quite likely that he never realised this fact until Jigoku gave him that awful ultimatum. Before then, he wouldn’t have assumed he’d ever need to. His mission to clear his father’s name and avenge him is righteous and just, so becoming able to achieve that ought to be an equally just path. It should require nothing but determination and effort, which aren’t really sacrifices at all. He never for a second expected he’d have to sacrifice his moral integrity of all things in pursuit of this.

Granted, he doesn’t remotely intend to carry out the assassination. But even then, simply saying he’ll kill someone, and the act of making a promise he intends to break are both morally reprehensible things to Kazuma that he would never otherwise have dreamed of doing. It goes completely against the kinds of principles his father must have taught him to uphold. (More on those later.)

It must especially sting for Kazuma to know that his utter desperation to go to Britain to the point that he’s willing to stoop to such depths is really the only reason he’s being chosen for the exchange. All that hard work and studying, all his academic achievements? Basically irrelevant, because Jigoku would have chosen him for his desperation anyway, even if he wasn’t the star student that he is.

Nonetheless, Kazuma would still have done his best in the exams, determined to prove that he is the top candidate and he would have deserved this for legitimate reasons, and so he can basically pretend that’s what’s going on and just not think too much about the whole assassin thing. He at least does a decent job of keeping up that façade on the surface, such as when he’s eagerly telling Ryunosuke at La Carneval (which they’re presumably visiting to celebrate him being officially chosen as the exchange student) that he’s finally been recognised for his “academic achievements and successes in court”. How forced must that smile have been, I wonder.

Japan DLC features some fun subtle exploration of Kazuma’s feelings on this matter. Rumours of “foul play” in the selection of Kazuma as the exchange student get brought up, as it appears that he in fact scored second place among the candidates, and not first. Kazuma never tries to argue against this on the basis that it wouldn’t make sense for him to have been chosen if he’d only been in second – after all, he already knows exactly why that might have happened. Instead, he just gets extremely worked up over the notion that what do you mean he wasn’t first???, even when it turns out that it was only by a margin of one point. And, yes, part of this is very much Kazuma’s ridiculous perfectionism at work – but it’s not just that. It’s also that he was desperately clinging to the idea that he does still deserve this on a real, above-board level, because at least he really was the top candidate academically, right? It has to have been a massive punch in the gut to learn that apparently… no, he wasn’t, and the only reason he’s getting this at all is because he was willing to agree to kill a man.

(I’m not gonna tell you whether or not Kazuma really did come in second place; you’ll have to watch Japan DLC yourself to find out.)

Jigoku claims during 2-5 that Kazuma had an actual reason for wanting to kill Gregson – and, sure, he theoretically does, since Gregson played a part in getting his father killed. But I don’t know if I believe Jigoku’s implication that this was something Kazuma knew about when he took the mission back in Japan. The only person who could have told him that is Jigoku, and, well. First of all, I’m not sure Jigoku even necessarily knew anything at all about how Genshin was framed at the time, since he seemed to have genuinely tried to stand up for him in court, and he was only involved with the faked execution half of the plot. And even if Jigoku did know about Gregson’s involvement, I’m not sure he’d risk telling Kazuma that, because that begs the question of how he knows about this, and Jigoku probably wouldn’t want to imply his own involvement in Genshin’s death in front of his son who is currently standing right there with a sword at his hip.

However. Despite that I doubt Jigoku told Kazuma anything about Gregson other than that this is his target and perhaps also that he’s an inspector, Kazuma’s still bound to have wondered. Why is Jigoku of all people insisting that he kills a random Englishman? He has to figure that whatever connection Jigoku has to this Englishman to want him dead must have something to do with what went on in Britain ten years ago, and therefore that Gregson is likely to be somehow related to his father’s death. I wonder if Kazuma ever considered the hypothetical: if it did turn out that this Gregson person actually was one of the ones responsible for killing his father, what would he do about the assassination then…?

Another point to note is that, based on his surprise when it gets brought up in 2-5, Kazuma was apparently completely unaware that his assassination mission was one of a pair, connected to the murder of Wilson. That said, he shows some interesting behaviour during 1-1 that suggest he’s figuring out some extent of what’s going on there. He’s silently lost in thought for most of the testimony where Ryunosuke’s trying to prove the existence of the woman whom everyone else suspiciously insists they never saw, and then he’s the first person to suggest, without any real basis, that said woman is both: foreign, and a student. I strongly suspect based on this that he’s realising this is a very similar deal to his own exchange assassination, in which the killer gets protection from the higher authorities due to being a foreign student.

Ryunosuke’s trial (and Jigoku’s other ultimatum)

Jigoku’s corruption in trying to keep Stronghart’s British assassin out of trouble during 1-1 is evident even in ways that aren’t immediately apparent on the surface. Remember that Ryunosuke was in prison for three days, and yet Kazuma only managed to take over as his lawyer the evening before the trial. That might seem a little odd at first: Kazuma surely would have heard about his friend’s arrest upon seeing it in the papers the next morning at the absolute latest, and yet it took him that long to get assigned to the case? Obviously this detail is there for the sake of the loophole that lets Ryunosuke defend himself, but it does make a lot of sense in-story, too. No doubt Jigoku, desperate to make Ryunosuke into a scapegoat for the crime, assigned him some random lawyer who was fully expected to throw the trial, and did everything he could to prevent the actually-competent Kazuma getting anywhere near the case. Kazuma must have spent those three days fighting tooth and nail against Jigoku’s roadblocks to be allowed to defend his friend, and even then, he only just made it in time.

(And he evidently never told Ryunosuke about any of this struggle he went through, presumably because he didn’t want to worry him, typical Kazuma. But poor Ryunosuke, stuck in prison for three days with no sign of Kazuma until the last minute – he must have assumed his best friend just thought he’d done it and abandoned him, oh nooo.)

With that in mind, consider the ultimatum Kazuma’s been given for this case, which was almost certainly put in place by Jigoku: if he fails in defending Ryunosuke, he loses his place on the exchange trip. Except that Jigoku does not actually want Kazuma to lose his place on the exchange trip at all, because then he’d have to find another assassin, and he’d be hard pressed finding anyone else desperate enough to agree to that like Kazuma was! However, what Jigoku also really doesn’t want, for the sake of protecting Stronghart’s British assassin, is Kazuma defending Ryunosuke in this case. He’s already learned that he can manipulate Kazuma into doing things he doesn’t like by exploiting his utter desperation to make it to Great Britain. By threatening Kazuma with the risk of losing his exchange trip, Jigoku is hoping to make Kazuma too afraid to go near Ryunosuke’s case at all.

Unfortunately for Jigoku, since this ultimatum isn’t a secret, he still has to make it appear above-board. What he’d really like to do is threaten Kazuma with losing the exchange trip if he takes the case at all, even if he wins – but that’d look pretty obviously dodgy. Why forbid the chosen student from going on the trip when he’s just proven his competence by winning a case? So all he can do is threaten to do that if Kazuma loses, and hope that this risk will be enough to sway him.

But of course Kazuma isn’t swayed. And it’s not because his best friend is more important to him than his chance to make it to Britain. After all, there’s no outcome in which he saves Ryunosuke but loses the exchange trip. If he wins the trial, he keeps both! So he’s just going to win it, simple as that. He refuses to acknowledge the possibility that he might lose. Because if Kazuma isn’t even good enough to prove his best friend’s innocence, if he can’t keep another person precious to him from being wrongfully executed (because that absolutely would have been Ryunosuke’s fate) even though he has the power to stop it this time… then how on earth is he ever going to be good enough to clear his father’s name in Great Britain? He simply has to be good enough, there is no other option.

He says as much himself in the trial’s recess, after Ryunosuke’s protected him from the ultimatum by defending himself, and yet Kazuma announces that he’ll give up on his trip anyway if they lose this case: “If I’m the kind of man who can’t help his best friend avert the worst crisis of his life… I shouldn’t waste everyone’s time by going to study overseas anyway.” That line means so much more when you know what “studying overseas” truly means to Kazuma.

Ryunosuke reflects about this decision of his that “that’s the kind of true friend he is,” but… that’s not really it at all. This is not actually about Kazuma being willing to sacrifice his chance to go to Britain for the sake of his best friend. This is about Kazuma’s utter inability to accept the idea of failure, and how badly he would fall apart if he did.

Coping with (near-) failure

And then… Kazuma basically does fail in that trial. There’s one awful moment at which he’s completely given up and can’t see any possible way out, and it’s only thanks to Ryunosuke that their case is salvaged. If Kazuma had actually been the one defending Ryunosuke, like he was supposed to be, Ryunosuke would have been found guilty. Kazuma would have lost his best friend, along with all faith in his own ability to put things right in Britain.

(It’s also interesting to think about why Kazuma fails. He approaches Brett’s first testimony with a firm Plan in mind – to prove that she had a way to hide a gun on her person. So when the apparent way to prove that turns out to be a dead end, he can’t see any other way forward. Meanwhile, Ryunosuke has no real sense of a plan at all and is just desperately grasping at any tiny detail that could mean something, leading to him noticing the burn mark that proves the victim was actually poisoned. Ryunosuke is a good defence lawyer, because defence lawyers have to constantly improvise new lines of reasoning to react to whatever curveballs the prosecution or witnesses throw at them! And the fact that Kazuma’s more skilled at setting out a clear plan from the beginning and less able to roll with the punches when unexpected twists happen goes to show that he was really always more suited for prosecution.)

Of course, since Ryunosuke did manage to save himself and things turned out all right in the end, Kazuma’s able to more or less – on the surface – gloss over the part where he basically failed when it mattered. He’s still desperate enough to go to Britain that he’s not about to give up on everything over a slip-up that didn’t end up having any actual consequences. But this near-failure of his nonetheless clearly bothers Kazuma a lot.

For that matter, it also bothers him that Ryunosuke took over his own defence at all, out of a desire to protect Kazuma, as if he felt Kazuma needed protecting and might not be good enough to win the case on his own. Of course Ryunosuke didn’t at all do it out of a lack of faith in Kazuma’s abilities – he just wanted to make sure that if things somehow went badly anyway, his friend didn’t have to suffer as well. But Kazuma certainly took it as Ryunosuke lacking faith in him. And then the events of the trial, that failure of a moment where Kazuma gave up, would have only cemented it in his head that Ryunosuke was right to.

Another of the delightful subtle things going on in Japan DLC is that Kazuma is really desperate to make up for his perceived failure and inadequacy in Ryunosuke’s trial. It’s set ten days later, as Kazuma receives a rather ambiguously-worded telegram from Susato and Ryunosuke about “new charges” and rushes to the courthouse, fiercely determined to defend his best friend and do it right this time. He doesn’t even bother reading the actual charges document, apparently feeling that he doesn’t need to, that perhaps if he gives himself a handicap by going in completely unprepared then he’ll just prove himself more when he wins anyway. Ryunosuke tries to tell him something, and Kazuma cuts him off, assuming that Ryunosuke wants to defend himself again, and insists that no, really, let him do it this time.

And then the trial begins with Kazuma making an absolute fool of himself when it turns out that he is the defendant, actually, and it was never Ryunosuke at all. This is quite possibly the only time in Ace Attorney where a protagonist, given one of those blatantly obvious can-you-read-the-Court-Record tutorial questions, is very clearly meant to have canonically got it wrong. Kazuma is so desperate to make up for his “failure” in defending Ryunosuke during 1-1 that he tunnel-visions hilariously hard on the completely false idea of his friend being the defendant again, just so that he can have an opportunity to do so. (Which also tracks with how very prone Kazuma is to tunnel-visioning on things that aren’t true in general.)

(What is Kazuma on trial for in Japan DLC? Again, not gonna tell you; go watch it yourself, because it is good Kazuma content.)

A friend-shaped package

Of course, Kazuma’s “failure” during Ryunosuke’s trial, and the fact that Ryunosuke was the one to pull things back on track with his surprising talent at lawyering, also leads to the very important event of Kazuma asking Ryunosuke to stow away with him to Great Britain. The trial must have dealt a huge blow to his ability to believe that he’d be good enough to find the truth about his father – but it also handed him a potential solution to that problem: his best friend. Kazuma can reassure himself that even if there comes another moment where he falters and can’t see any path forward, if Ryunosuke’s with him, then he’ll be able to see the way to the truth in Kazuma’s place.

That said, though, it’s subtly noticeable that Kazuma wanted Ryunosuke to join him in Great Britain anyway, even before the trial where he saw just how much potential his friend has as a lawyer. He casually suggests Ryunosuke should come with him while they’re chatting about it at the restaurant, in a way that makes it sound mostly like a joke, but I suspect he was hoping that Ryunosuke would bite and take the offer seriously. It’s also rather telling that he never actually explains to Ryunosuke that his lawyer talents are the reason why he’s asking him to come, once he actually officially asks after the trial – strongly suggesting that they aren’t really the main reason why at all.

The real crux of it is that Kazuma just doesn’t want to be alone while facing something as huge and painful and frightening as what happened to his father in Britain, not to mention the awful false promise he’s had to make in order to finally reach it. He just wants his best friend there by his side to make it all more bearable. Of course he does. So would anybody.

But Kazuma’s inability to acknowledge that he’s having painful feelings about any of this makes him completely incapable of admitting that this is the real reason, even to himself. Which is why he cannot bring himself to outright ask Ryunosuke for that favour until the trial gives him an excuse to do so. Now he has a proper, material reason why Ryunosuke can help him in Great Britain, both with his father’s case and also potentially with that awkward looming assassination issue. It’s a good reason, see, one that has nothing to do with his feelings, because he doesn’t have any of those and anyway something like that wouldn’t be a valid reason to ask his best friend to uproot his entire life for several years. (It would, Kazuma; Ryunosuke would absolutely do that for you if he knew how afraid you were about this.) …And yet, this excuse is really mostly for himself, since he never actually gets around to explaining any of it to Ryunosuke.

Well, no – Kazuma does sort of tell Ryunosuke about some of it on the Burya. He makes an attempt, at least, but he doesn’t get much further than “if you became a lawyer, then…” (you could defend me if the assassination mission gets me arrested), and “there’s something very important I have to do” (clear my father’s name and avenge him). I also get the impression that their conversation about it on the Burya is the first time Kazuma ever tells Ryunosuke the name of Karuma… which is probably the closest he can manage to get at that moment to talking about his father, since his love for his father is so deeply entwined with his love for his precious sword.

Kazuma clearly wants to finally open up and trust his best friend with this huge burden of his, now that he’s directly asking him for material help with it (and emotional support, not that he’d be able to admit that part). But close to a decade of believing that he can’t ever tell anyone the truth about his father’s death is not a habit easily broken, especially when it’s so tied up with all the painful feelings that he’s unconsciously suppressing so hard. Maybe Kazuma would have eventually worked up the courage to tell Ryunosuke everything somewhere during the two-month voyage, if it’d proceeded as normal. But unfortunately, tragedy struck before he could reach that point, changing the trajectory of Kazuma’s path completely.

Part 2: Great Britain

Unusual amnesia

I happen to have some rather unique feelings on the topic of Kazuma’s amnesia, in large part because I spent an awfully long time in my first playthrough utterly convinced that he was faking it. (It’s probably only thanks to the unusual circumstances of me playing the game that I ended up thinking that – I had seen a fan-translation of the first game and remembered Kazuma’s name appearing in a Secret Government Message, and had also been spoiled for his survival, which led to me imagining there was a lot more Secrecy involved in his upcoming role in the second game than there actually was.) This resulted in me writing a whole AU fic in which Kazuma actually was faking it, to explore why he plausibly might have done so and how he would have felt doing it.

Buuut I am fully aware that that’s not actually the intended canon reading, so I’m putting all that aside here to talk about the canon version of events (while also discussing why I had some very valid reasons to latch onto my alternative theory).

Here’s the thing about Kazuma’s amnesia: it’s not the regular garden-variety kind of amnesia. It can’t be, because if it was, then his actions in the 2-3 scene on the experiment stage where Susato recognises him wouldn’t make any goddamn sense.

There he is, an amnesiac who’s been compelled to come to London for some mysterious purpose he must be dying to know more about. And for the very first time since he woke up with no memories, here’s someone who seems to know who he is, is asking to talk to him, even calling out to him with a name that feels strangely familiar. Any regular amnesiac would realise that this person could help them regain their memories, and would eagerly take such a person up on that offer to talk and learn more about their forgotten self.

But Kazuma? He just turns around and leaves, barely acknowledging Susato or her reaction at all, literally not even looking at her or Ryunosuke for the entirety of the scene! And we can’t put this down to Stronghart’s ridiculous rule that he’s not allowed to talk to anybody, either, because when has Kazuma ever heeded arbitrary rules when something he cares about is at stake? On the surface, it makes absolutely no sense for the amnesiac Kazuma to respond to Susato’s outburst by just leaving. No wonder I thought he was faking it – that would be a perfectly fitting explanation for that scene!

But since he’s not faking it, what’s actually going on with Kazuma’s amnesia is that it has to be of the PTSD-driven variety.

It’s a lot like Daley Vigil’s, in that sense. We get some glimpses of how Vigil’s mind had warped itself in such a way as to avoid thinking about the traumatic memories he wanted to run away from, even when it went against all logic. It really didn’t make sense for him to have willingly quit his well-paid job at the prison to become a street pedlar, but he just… never quite manages to think that through and make that connection.

Similarly, Kazuma’s subconscious is steering him away from any reminder of his true identity, even though it goes against the conscious logic of him wanting to understand why he’s here in London. He ignores and avoids responding to these people who seem to know him, due to some deep and primal part of him that’s desperate to protect him from the painful truth of who he is and his mission. He probably doesn’t even consciously understand why he ignores them and leaves; he just does so, and then never thinks about it much, because his subconscious doesn’t want him to question it.

During van Zieks’s trial when Vigil is on the stand and it’s become apparent that his memory of ten years ago is hazy, Kazuma is the first one to suggest that he outright has amnesia (despite not having evidence for it like Ryunosuke does), and he gives a speech describing how such a thing can be caused by trauma. And the way he gives this speech is so very telling. It’s a lot more evocative than you’d expect for something he’d otherwise have just read or heard about somewhere, and he even uses “we” language for it, which he wouldn’t normally do when giving an example. It all reads as very suspiciously specific – as if this is as close as Kazuma can bear to come to admitting that this is something he’s been through himself.

Kazuma got amnesia not just from the injury he received on the Burya. It was more that the injury happened to trigger the deep, aching part of him that just wanted to run away from everything he is and is headed towards. To run away from the agony of his father’s death, and the fury towards his killers, and the unimaginable burden of having to put everything right in Great Britain. In that moment of traumatic injury, that part won out and managed to suppress all of that pain, to hide it where he couldn’t reach it - but everything was so intertwined with his very identity that it ended up hiding that too. There was a part of Kazuma so traumatised by everything he is, so desperate to make the pain stop, that all it could do was make him not be Kazuma Asogi any more.

And yet, it couldn’t block out everything. Kazuma’s sheer determination to make it to Great Britain at all costs was so deeply ingrained into him that it lingered, as the voice that compelled him relentlessly to London. Kazuma couldn’t do anything but follow that voice, making it all the way there all on his own against all the odds, despite not understanding why, despite subconsciously not wanting to remember why. He spent all those months with amnesia trapped in a mental war between the part of him that wanted to run away from it all, and the part of him that needed to run towards it. And of course the latter won out in the end.

The pain of remembering

Considering that Kazuma’s amnesia wasn’t just regular amnesia but his psyche trying to block out actual trauma, regaining his memories must have been agony for him. Especially so considering that the trigger was seeing his father as the Professor. No wonder he screamed as it all came flooding back.

It also means it’s not as strange as it might seem that his reunion with his friends in that scene is actually remarkably brief. Literally all he says to them is thanking Susato for taking care of Ryunosuke, and thanking Ryunosuke for taking care of Karuma, and that’s it. Hardly the heartfelt reunion with long-lost friends who’d thought he was dead for months that you’d expect him to have. This was another of the things that made me seriously side-eye the legitimacy of Kazuma’s amnesia on my first playthrough, because he was being so weirdly cagey about things. But that was because, at the time, I didn’t realise just how bad Kazuma is at talking about his feelings. He must have been in emotional agony for that whole scene, but of course he couldn’t let anyone see that, not even his closest friends (and especially not van Zieks, who must have still been silently present even though he vanishes from the Cutscene after a certain point). So instead, Kazuma just… leaves to cope with everything alone. If he’s going to break down over this overwhelming flood of emotion, he can do it where nobody else will see him. Just like he always has done, with all of the pain he's carrying.

Yet despite the agony that remembering caused him, Kazuma has absolutely no regrets about having done so. With his memories back, he’s once again fully on board with how overwhelmingly important his mission is, even if he may now somewhat understand why part of him wanted to lock it away. His conviction that facing the truth is always better, no matter how much it hurts, is likely a big factor in why he was so ruthlessly willing to force the truth out of Vigil’s mind, even though he knows the cost of doing so better than anyone else in that courtroom.

The pain of his amnesia – both having it and recovering from it – is also bound to play a big role in Kazuma continuing to avoid and be distant from Ryunosuke and Susato in the following days. Just before leaving the courtroom, he vaguely implies that he intends to catch up with them sometime… but then he doesn’t even contact them for over a week until they’re brought face-to-face again because of van Zieks’s arrest.

Kazuma must have expected the catching-up conversation with his friends to involve all sorts of questions about his amnesia, and about his father, and all of the pain he's been carrying. He just can’t bring himself to face that pain, so he puts it off, tells himself it’s less important than everything else he’s got to focus on now. Talking to Ryunosuke out of necessity because they’re opponents in a trial is much easier for Kazuma than opening up to his best friend about his feelings. Even when Ryunosuke and Susato come to his office to ask him about his father, Kazuma tries to brush off the topic by saying that they already know what happened and so they should already understand. It takes Ryunosuke asking in no uncertain terms to hear it from Kazuma himself to get him to actually talk about it. And even then, as he’s telling his story, Kazuma never once mentions how any of it made him feel.

In fact, there’s lot of times during Resolve (whereas he does it maybe only once or twice in Adventures?) that Kazuma addresses Ryunosuke with his full name. It comes across as strangely pompous and distanced, like he’s trying to put up a barrier between himself and his best friend, so that Ryunosuke won’t be able to see how much he’s hurting. Or perhaps it’s also because Ryunosuke is now his opponent in van Zieks’s trial, the person trying to defend and believe in that monster, and that’s easier for Kazuma to deal with if he puts more distance between them.

It's really kind of heartbreaking to think how this distance between Kazuma and Ryunosuke is largely the fault of the accident on the Burya. Even though Kazuma survived it, it drove a wedge between him and his friend all the same. Kazuma was at least attempting to work up to telling Ryunosuke the truth about his father while on the ship, but here and now in London, he barely wants to talk about it even when it’s right there in front of them. Being separated from his friends and forgetting he had them entirely shunted Kazuma right back into his usual mindset of having to do everything completely alone and rely on nobody but himself. That regained habit stuck around even once he’d remembered them – after all, having a friend he could rely on was never something he’d actively sought out in the first place.

But Kazuma barely realises what he’s missing out on, just like he never did before. Not when he’s far too focused on the mission to avenge his father that’s now finally within his reach.

The despicable Reaper

Kazuma must have had quite the shock, upon regaining his memories, to find himself already under the tutelage of Barok van Zieks, of all people. The man who wrongfully condemned his father to death, the man Kazuma’s loathed for so many years and been so determined to take his revenge on once he made it to Great Britain. And on top of this man being the effective murderer of Kazuma’s father, it turns out that he’s also the Reaper of the Bailey, a serial killer who murders every innocent defendant that he fails to convict in court.

With his regained memories, Kazuma would have latched onto the rumour that van Zieks is the Reaper and seen it as the inarguable truth the very second he thought about it, because it makes far-too-tragically-perfect sense in his head. He’s grown up coping with his grief by clinging to his hatred of van Zieks as this monster who killed his innocent father, because he’s just that terrible. So it just makes sense to him that van Zieks would continue to do that with everyone else he prosecutes, no matter how innocent they may be. Kazuma says himself, when arguing for why van Zieks would have wanted to murder Jigoku for his petty crime, “Isn’t the whole premise of the Reaper absurd, killing those who have been found innocent? Clearly the rules by which the man operates… are beyond a sane person’s comprehension!” There simply doesn’t need to be any actual rhyme or reason behind van Zieks killing someone, in Kazuma’s mind.

As I said earlier: I extremely strongly believe that Kazuma knew about van Zieks from the moment he read that fateful letter, and has hated him for all those years. His hatred is too irrational to not have been born from the emotions of a broken grieving teenager desperate for someone to blame. Van Zieks is the monster under the bed, the bogeyman who destroyed Kazuma’s entire life – of course he’s the Reaper as well.

A fun little detail of Kazuma’s constant seething hatred towards van Zieks is that he almost never refers to him as “Lord van Zieks” while he still sees him as the enemy. That happens only a tiny handful of times, like three or four, whereas the rest of the time he sticks to “the Reaper” (which he obviously is, right), “the accused”, or simply “Barok van Zieks”. While simply calling him “van Zieks” without a title would probably be considered rude and be called out, Kazuma clearly does not want to afford this man the dignity and respect of being referred to as “Lord” if he can help it, so he goes out of his way to avoid doing so most of the time.

One courtroom-language quirk I noticed while paying attention to this is that the term “defendant” is only used by the defence, and meanwhile the prosecution will always refer to the same person as the “accused”. With this in mind, it’s very interesting to consider that when Kazuma presents the noticeboard of Reaper cases and talks about the victims, he refers to them as van Zieks’s past “defendants”. He is thinking about them from a defence lawyer’s perspective – meaning he believes they were innocent. And van Zieks, that monster, had them killed anyway, because killing innocent people for no reason is just what van Zieks does, right?

(Kazuma is also apparently able to employ some mental gymnastics on the topic of Asman, who was guilty as sin but got acquitted due to corruption. Kazuma would have helped van Zieks work on that case and therefore surely must have been aware of just how awful Asman was. This would, you’d think, paint a picture in his head of the usual kind of people van Zieks prosecutes and that maybe several of those killed by the Reaper weren’t actually so innocent after all. But it seems like Kazuma manages to file that away in his head as Irrelevant, because it contradicts the monstrous image of van-Zieks-the-killer-of-innocents that he’s clung to for so long. Probably helped by the fact that he had amnesia at the time of the Asman case, so it all feels very separate from his reborn hatred and is easy to brush off.)

Revived as a prosecutor

Kazuma must have also got quite a shock at the other part of the situation he suddenly found himself in when he regained his memories, which is that, oh look, he’s a prosecutor now. Earlier I discussed my thoughts on why he stuck to his promise to his father of being a defence lawyer and never considered switching to prosecution even though it would actually be more practical for his ultimate goal. But now that he’s here, in Great Britain, with his father’s case coming into the open and van Zieks right there within his grasp… how can he turn down such a perfect opportunity?

Still, he’s not entirely happy about it. He’s not able to admit that, not even to himself, because he can’t be allowing himself to have doubts about something that’s such a necessary part of his mission now. The only indications that he’s conflicted about this are in his body language: when he talks about how he’s a prosecutor now instead of a defence lawyer, he tends to appear more hesitant and less sure of himself than usual.

(At least he can take solace in the fact that his will to be a lawyer hasn’t vanished entirely, because Ryunosuke’s there, carrying it on in his place, being exactly the kind of lawyer Kazuma was trying to be. That means a lot to Kazuma, no doubt helping to alleviate some of his guilt about abandoning that promise he made to his father so long ago.)

Kazuma’s hesitancy around the idea of being a prosecutor now is bound to be wrapped up in the fact that it was a prosecutor who got his father killed. In fact, when Susato tries to argue that van Zieks was simply doing his job in convicting Genshin and deserves no blame, Kazuma shuts that idea right down: “It’s people who condemn people. The law is just a tool they use to do it.” Out of his sheer desperation to have a target, a person, whom he can hate and blame, he chose to take on a worldview that allows him to view van Zieks as the man who personally murdered his father. Clearly the law itself, as a flawed system, wasn’t a satisfying enough target to hate in the midst of his grief.

But this mindset of Kazuma’s gets very awkward if you follow the logic through to its natural conclusion. Prosecutors are always condemning people to death, and that’s perfectly legal and acceptable so long as the accused is truly guilty. If the law is simply a tool, the same as a sword, then… wouldn’t that also make it equally acceptable to straight-up murder someone if they’re guilty of a capital crime? Doesn’t that mean that vigilante justice is right and justified? Doesn’t that make what the Reaper does justified?

I don’t think Kazuma’s actually thought this through that far. He never shows the slightest hint of feeling like the Reaper’s actions are justified, at any point, even after he’s dropped the irrational conviction that all the victims were innocents. According to this logic, it would have been right for him to personally murder Gregson for playing a part in killing his father – but he’s clearly horrified by the dark impulse within him that wanted to do just that. Despite the words Kazuma came up with to give himself an excuse to blame and hate van Zieks, his base sense of decency and honour still instinctively feels that vigilante justice is wrong and that true justice can only be carried out through the courts.

Nonetheless, it’s got to be nagging at the back of Kazuma’s mind in his newfound position: that thought that by being a prosecutor he’s effectively killing people, and it’s only acceptable if they’re truly guilty, but if he ever gets it wrong then he’s basically committing manslaughter at best. Geez. I hope that sometime after the end of the game, he rethinks his “the law is just a tool” mindset, because continuing to be a prosecutor while feeling like that makes him effectively a killer cannot be healthy for him, even if he is doing it to combat the “demons” of society.

(The actual answer to this seeming moral conundrum is that the death penalty is wrong and barbaric, and that nobody truly deserves to die for being guilty of a bad enough crime, whether their sentence is carried out via the law or not. It’s got to be rough for Kazuma and van Zieks and every other Ace Attorney prosecutor stuck working with a system where they routinely send people to their deaths.)

The assassination mission

In the week after regaining his memories, Kazuma must have been busy using his status as an apprentice prosecutor to search for every scrap of information he could about the Professor case, in the hope of finding something he could use against van Zieks. (Far too busy to get around to contacting his friends, of course.) But in amongst that, he’d also be haunted by the other thing he’d remembered – that someone in Britain expects him to assassinate Gregson.

Imagine his panic and horror when he’s approached in secret by Gregson himself, of all people, to talk to him about an assassination. Kazuma must have had to put on one hell of a poker face until he re-oriented himself and realised that Gregson was actually talking about having Kazuma help him assassinate somebody else, for the Reaper.

The actual purpose of this mission is, of course, not a real Reaper killing and very much to give either Kazuma or Jigoku the chance to kill Gregson. But, as I’ve already discussed, Kazuma is completely convinced that the Reaper – who is obviously van Zieks, right – would just want to kill Jigoku for that petty crime he got acquitted for ten years ago. So Kazuma definitely buys that this is a genuine Reaper mission.

Still, he must have wondered if there wasn’t more to it. See, the Reaper mastermind himself never approached Kazuma to get him to agree to be the assassin here (he can’t have, or Kazuma would have learned it isn’t van Zieks), so it must have been Gregson who was Kazuma’s only point of contact. And yet, Gregson wouldn’t have done so without expecting Kazuma to be fully on board – meaning the Reaper also expected Kazuma to accept the mission. Which is a hell of a thing to expect someone to agree to out of nowhere… unless said person knew Kazuma had agreed to a different assassination mission already. From this situation he’s found himself in here, Kazuma would be able to deduce that the Reaper is the same person who masterminded his exchange assassination, and that actually this is also the mission to assassinate Gregson that he’s been dreading and hoping to avoid forever.

But he can’t just refuse the mission, because this also happens to be his perfect chance. He’s been looking into the fateful autopsy that got his father convicted and knows that Gregson had a hand in it – must have had a hand in forging it, surely, because his father was definitely innocent. The only way Kazuma feels he can be sure of confirming that from Gregson himself is by doing some not-very-legal threatening of his life, and the only place he can do that without getting himself into trouble is while they’re on an illegal mission, something Gregson can’t speak of without incriminating himself.

Which is… actually a terrible approach for Kazuma’s ultimate goal of proving his father’s innocence in court! Not only is he going to have to incriminate himself to even admit that Gregson confessed to anything here, but Kazuma stating what Gregson told him is just hearsay and not admissible in court as actual testimony – to say nothing of the fact that Gregson was being threatened. It simply would not work at all (and it certainly doesn’t get him far when he actually does bring it up). Kazuma ought to know this… but he’s just so desperate to find anything that can even just feel like he’s got Proof of his father’s innocence. He must be so afraid that he’ll never be able to uncover anything that matters if he doesn’t resort to this.

(He said he’d sacrifice anything for this, right? He already has; what’s the big loss from just one more blow to his morality, when it’s already been tarnished?)

Having confirmation for himself that Gregson did indeed forge the autopsy, and did it on somebody’s orders, would nonetheless help Kazuma put some pieces together. He probably already suspected that the person who wanted Gregson dead probably wanted to silence him due to something related to his father’s case, and now he can be even more sure of that. Said person has to be van Zieks, right, since van Zieks is the one who prosecuted and framed his father and is The Worst. And Kazuma’s also now been able to deduce that the exchange mastermind must be the same person as the Reaper. Thus, he can prove that van Zieks is the Reaper!

Kazuma insists to Ryunosuke later in his office that he has proof that van Zieks is the Reaper – and he does, more or less. It’s made from a lot of deductive reasoning that’ll be tricky to have stand up alone in court, it’d require Kazuma to incriminate himself to even talk about (which of course he’d be willing to do, if there was no other way), and it’s based on the completely mistaken premise that van Zieks was the original prosecutor on Genshin’s case… but there is some actual logic there in Kazuma’s head that isn’t just his blind hatred. He’s so furiously determined to prove van Zieks is the Reaper in the trial not only as revenge, but because he knows that in doing so he’ll be bringing things around to his father’s case and proving the fabrication there, thus finally clearing his father’s name.

The demon

Of course, Kazuma really, really wishes that Gregson would just tell him who ordered him to forge the autopsy. He already knows (so he thinks) that it’s van Zieks, but hearing it from Gregson’s own lips would be proof of it. At least, it feels that way, in the heat of that moment in that cabin where he’s able to mostly forget that none of this will stand up in court anyway and is just relishing in finally getting to hear someone admit to how corrupt this all was. If nothing else, he just wants to hear validation of his furious convictions that all of it was van Zieks’s fault.

But as he realises that Gregson will never talk no matter what, Kazuma loses control of his anger. He’s been keeping all of his pain and grief and rage suppressed for so, so long, never letting himself show any of it, only even letting himself feel the anger as long as he can turn it into purpose – he has absolutely no idea how to healthily cope with it. If he’d had anyone at all during his adolescence whom he’d felt safe opening up to and who could have helped him learn to process his emotions, his anger here would have likely been controlled enough to not lead to anything bad. But as it is, it’s been suppressed for so long that it simply explodes out of him. He’s standing in front of this man who’s just admitted to playing a role in his father’s death and yet still won’t give him what he wants, and suddenly Kazuma finds himself overwhelmed with blind fury and wanting to kill him, and—

…The moment is presented ambiguously enough within the game’s format such that one might interpret it as Kazuma deliberately swinging his sword at Gregson’s trunk on the floor or something, redirecting his anger towards the trunk as a proxy for Gregson himself. But I don’t think that can be it. The angle of the gash in the trunk, the direction it’s subtly curving in, doesn’t look like it could reasonably have been made that way by a natural right-handed sword swipe if the trunk was lying upright and open on the floor. It only works if the trunk was open and sideways at the moment of the impact – meaning it must have been held by Gregson, as a shield, to protect himself from Kazuma striking directly at him.

Not only did Kazuma want to kill Gregson in that brief, awful moment – he actually tried to. He’s incredibly lucky that Gregson reacted quickly enough to block it, or he’d have ended up completing his assassination mission after all.

It probably occurred to Kazuma himself just how close he came to this. We know just how haunted he is by the “demon” that he realised was inside him that day. But in true Kazuma style, I suspect he coped with it for the time being by suppressing it and basically trying to forget it had happened, clinging to the notion that Gregson wouldn’t be able to tell anyone what’d happened without admitting to the mission and incriminating himself.

Except that, shortly after Kazuma arrives back in London, he learns that Gregson’s been killed. I wonder if, for a brief horrified moment, he felt like this was karma finishing the deed that Kazuma only didn’t by pure luck, that it might as well have been him…?

…Only for Kazuma to hear, moments later, that van Zieks has been arrested for the crime, having been caught red-handed holding the gun. Everything would have instantly flipped itself around in his head: this is it, the golden opportunity to take that monster down, because van Zieks killed Gregson, and so there’s no need to think about how else it could have gone. On top of all of his usual hatred and furious drive to condemn van Zieks, perhaps just a little bit of Kazuma latching onto this was also fuelled by him desperately wanting to deflect and run away from his own guilt in Gregson’s near-death.

But is van Zieks guilty?

Still. Despite Kazuma’s fervent tunnel-visioning on van Zieks’s guilt for most of the case, one of the most intriguing things – and the biggest reason I found Kazuma so damn hard to get a read on during my first playthrough – is that, actually, not every single part of him is convinced van Zieks really is guilty.

What makes me so sure of this is the photo of van Zieks when he was younger, smiling happily with his brother and Gregson before everything went wrong. That photo is necessary for Ryunosuke to get through to van Zieks’s more vulnerable side and convince him to let Ryunosuke defend him – and it’s Kazuma who gives him the photo.

And, sure, Kazuma had plenty of reason to want Ryunosuke on the case even if there’s not an ounce of him that thinks van Zieks might be innocent, simply because he wants his best friend there opposite him as he uncovers the truth of his father’s case. But that alone doesn’t explain why Kazuma knew the photo would work on van Zieks. That means that there’s a part of Kazuma capable of acknowledging that van Zieks is a person who’s suffered (just like Kazuma has) and cannot actually be a heartless monster who murders innocents for no reason.

Of course, Kazuma barely acknowledges the part of him that’s thinking this. He’s extremely evasive in that entire conversation, especially when asked why he’s giving them the photo. (And he’s also very evasive when asked about Klint’s portrait in his office, for the same reason.) He doesn’t want to accept that he’s not actually one hundred percent all-in on his conviction that van Zieks is The Worst, because he can’t allow himself to be having doubts and to possibly be wrong in his mission that he’s worked so hard for.

And yet… though he could never admit it, that has to be a part of why he wants Ryunosuke to defend van Zieks. If it should happen that Kazuma is wrong after all, he trusts his best friend to be able to see the truth about van Zieks and prove it to him. He trusts Ryunosuke to save him from himself before he goes too far and condemns an innocent man to the same fate as his father.

Going native

As we move into the trial and see Kazuma stand as a prosecutor in the British courts for the first time, there’s a few more interesting little things about his character that become noticeable. One subtle thing going on with his demeanour here is that he appears to be putting in a conscious effort to appear as British as possible, despite his obvious heritage, in a lot of small ways. It’s in a pointed contrast to Ryunosuke, who remains unapologetically Japanese the whole time.

At one point in the trial, Kazuma describes a short distance using inches, the (at the time) British measurement. Later on, Ryunosuke describes the very same short distance using centimetres, the Japanese measurement, which goes to show that going out of one’s way to use inches isn’t a necessary part of speaking English as a non-native – and yet Kazuma does so anyway. Kazuma has a very pronounced English-style bowing animation, whereas Ryunosuke… well, he doesn’t have a bowing animation at all, but I can’t imagine him bowing in any way other than the Japanese one. And while Kazuma’s outfit changing to an English one wasn’t his choice, I suspect he might have made that decision anyway if it’d been up to him – meanwhile Ryunosuke keeps his Yumei uniform the whole time and never even considers dressing like anything other than the Japanese student that he is.

(And of course Kazuma doesn’t put his headband back on even though it’s right there wrapped around Karuma’s sheath, not only because it’s a Japanese style, but also because that headband was there as a reminder of his failure. Can’t be having any of that while he’s here in Britain and cannot afford to fail.)

Kazuma’s insistence on going native is particularly exemplified in a few jabs he makes at Ryunosuke in court, to the effect of “don’t imagine that a lowly foreign student like you would be allowed there”. Ryunosuke is quite understandably bewildered at the obvious hypocrisy of these comments, and I find that hypocrisy fascinating, because it’s almost… insecure of Kazuma? I believe what’s going on is that Kazuma is desperately projecting his own status as a lowly foreign student onto Ryunosuke alone, in an attempt to create a fantasy where he isn’t and is above that and will be treated with greater respect by the British judiciary.

After all, Kazuma is well aware that ten years ago his father was also “just a foreign student” and that this was likely part of why he was scapegoated and powerless to properly defend himself from the charges. (And, though not quite how Kazuma’s imagining it, that was indeed Stronghart’s excuse for not following up on Genshin’s suspicions of Klint, leading Genshin to take matters into his own hands and seal his fate.) So Kazuma feels like he needs to ingratiate himself into the British judiciary and act exactly like one of them in every possible way, so that they’ll respect him and listen to him and take his arguments seriously when he starts revealing the truth. It's painfully ironic, how he feels like he has to become the same as the very group of people who got his father killed.

(The one exception to this, the one part of his Japanese culture that he refuses to suppress no matter what, is Karuma. Because of course it is. Kazuma will not disrespect his father’s soul for anything.)

Not lying

I spent a lot of my first playthrough of the final case, given that I’d figured out he was with Gregson on the day of the murder, assuming that Kazuma must have been telling a whole bunch of lies in order to hide this. But, as it turns out, replaying while knowing exactly what went down on the Grouse and exactly how much Kazuma is aware of… he never tells a single direct lie at all. It’s really quite impressive, given just how much he’s hiding, that he manages to do so while never actively lying about anything. He has to be making a deliberate effort to do that, because lying would be easier.

In fact, the only time in the entire game that Kazuma ever lies about anything is during Escapade 2, on the Burya, when he absolutely has to in order to protect Ryunosuke from being discovered. He even thinks to himself, “I’d be lying if I said no”, before he actually says anything untrue out loud, as if he’s hesitating for a moment upon realising he’s got no choice but to lie here.

Most people would consider hiding the truth, in any way, to be just about as morally bad as lying, but Kazuma is freely willing to do the former all the time while going out of his way to avoid doing the latter unless it’s completely necessary. It’s an odd moral priority to have… which is what makes me suspect that this might be a principle of his that he learned from his father and therefore cares immensely about sticking to the very word of, even if what Genshin meant by “you shouldn’t lie” was probably something closer to “you shouldn’t deceive people”. (…That said, Genshin kept a lot of secrets of his own and had a hidden compartment in his sword for the purpose of doing just that, so perhaps he also had some slightly skewed priorities about deception. And, of course, he did eventually end up breaking this principle and lying with his confession – for Kazuma’s sake.)

Granted, most of Kazuma’s careful avoidance of lying happens in court, and could therefore be simply put down to him not wanting to be accused of perjury… but there is one very interesting example of him doing this outside of the courtroom. If you investigate the portrait of Klint in his office, Ryunosuke asks if Kazuma knows who it is, and Kazuma’s response is extremely evasive, with “Why would I?” and “I wouldn’t have the first clue what [van Zieks] decorates his office with”. It’s very striking when usually Kazuma would just give a straight yes or no answer to such a question. The real truth appears to be that he does realise this is van Zieks’s esteemed brother who was killed, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge that (as mentioned earlier, because that would involve acknowledging that van Zieks is a human person who is suffering) – however, he also doesn’t want to lie and say he doesn’t know, hence the evasive response that gives that impression without outright lying. It would cost Kazuma nothing to lie here, but he goes out of his way to avoid doing so anyway!

(He also exercises his expertise in hiding things without directly lying when it comes to how he’s feeling, of course. When he sees Ryunosuke and Susato again in Stronghart’s office after regaining his memories, he apologises for worrying them, and then, after a pause as if he’s searching for words, reassures them by saying “It’ll be alright now.” Not “I’m alright”, because he isn’t, and saying that would be a lie.)

Definitely not corrupt

Along similar lines to his insistence on not lying, Kazuma also really cares about giving off the impression that he’s being as honourable and above-board as possible during the trial. When Ryunosuke presents the alternative theory of how the Fresno Street scene could have been a set-up and Gregson was actually killed elsewhere a day earlier, Kazuma makes a big point of how this is only conjecture, but the whole judiciary is watching and he can’t allow the slightest doubt, so he’s going to pursue the possibility anyway. It reads a little like he's trying to stress how very rigorous and thorough he’s being, entertaining this conjecture from the defence just to be sure they do things right. (After all, he’s convinced himself it is just conjecture, because van Zieks is definitely guilty, right.) He’s also able to come across this way in the part on the second day where he admits he only brought up the smuggling angle because he was instructed to, but he disagrees and is now going to reveal the real truth that the Prosecutor’s Office was trying to hide.

Kazuma’s insistence on this is less specifically about his father’s principles (though there’s still probably a bit of that). It’s more just that he believes that van Zieks, and the British judiciary in general, was unforgivably corrupt in convicting his father, and he’s absolutely determined to be the complete opposite of that. When van Zieks calls him out for being in danger of becoming an “even more sinister Reaper” than him in the way he’s pursuing this case, Kazuma suppresses most of his reaction but is clearly Not Happy at that insinuation. He can’t stand the idea that he’s being a hypocrite, only able to clear his father’s name and condemn his killer using the same corrupt tactics and twisting of the truth that happened ten years ago.

And yet. Van Zieks may be a little off about the corruptness of the particular testimony that he calls Kazuma out on this for, but on the whole, he’s really kind of got a point. Kazuma’s approach to this entire trial, despite the way he tries to insist he’s doing this properly and righteously, is actually remarkably dodgy! It would make this post even more ridiculously long than it’s already being if I talked about every little bit of this (though maybe I will try and make another post going into this in more detail), but let me at least take you through some of the major strokes here.

[[Hey, guess what: I ended up making multiple other posts analysing Kazuma throughout the trial in line-by-line detail, which you can check out on my other blog here!]]

Questionable tactics

Prosecutors in Ace Attorney very rarely call the accused themselves to the stand, as it’s usually not necessary. Kazuma does it anyway, twice, despite it being thoroughly unnecessary here too. It’s all so that he can tear van Zieks’s testimony apart – which is not supposed to be the prosecutor’s job, but Kazuma’s still somewhat thinking like a defence lawyer – and make him guilty of perjury on top of everything else. The first time he calls van Zieks, Kazuma makes a point that “he believes in the oath of office he’s taken and will be compelled to tell the truth”, while fully intending to prove that he’s lying. The second time, later on day 3 once it’s been proven that van Zieks did not shoot Gregson and was not lying at all in his first testimony, Kazuma again tries to get him to “lie” by testifying that he had no involvement in the assassin exchange, and points out that if it can be proven he was involved, this would make van Zieks’s words perjury. Kazuma could have perfectly well explained the connection that he believes makes van Zieks the exchange mastermind without needing a testimony! But no. He is so viciously determined to prove to the court not only that van Zieks is a murderer, but also that he’s a horrible lying liar who lies. Which doesn’t seem like the correct priorities for a prosecutor to have.

Then there’s the whole part where Kazuma proposes they examine Gregson’s whereabouts on the day before his body was found, then subtly leads Ryunosuke into suggesting that he was investigating the redheads at Lime Park. Kazuma knows full well Gregson wasn’t there at all, because he was personally accompanying Gregson to Dunkirk that day. But he just… quietly doesn’t mention that fact (while being careful not to lie about anything, of course), and lets the court spend several testimonies on what he knows is a complete wild goose chase.

On my second playthrough of the case, I wondered if maybe Kazuma had somehow found out about Daley Vigil being Gregson’s fake-alibi man, and he pursued this line of questioning about the redheads because he knew it would end up with Vigil on the stand, thus letting him get answers about his father’s execution. But that can’t be it, because Kazuma is visibly surprised both upon learning about the fake alibi thing and also learning who Vigil is at all. Finding Vigil here can’t have been anything but a lucky coincidence for him.

So if that’s not why Kazuma lets this happen, then the real reason has to be, largely, that… it’s just a huge diversion ploy. He knows that whatever truth Ryunosuke does uncover about why on earth one of Gregson’s diaries mentioned Lime Park that day (something he’s bound to be a little bit curious about himself), it’s going to involve conclusively proving that Gregson was not murdered there. Kazuma then uses this misdirection to argue that this “completely destroys the defence’s case”, as if Gregson not being murdered at Lime Park on the 31st (because he wasn’t even there) means he must have been killed on the 1st at Fresno Street after all. That’s obviously nonsense, because we still haven’t looked into where Gregson really was on the 31st! It’s a little unclear how well this argument would have worked out for Kazuma, though, because he promptly gets sidetracked by the Vigil thing, which leads to an abrupt end to the trial day.

Chronic tunnel-visioning

The next day of the trial, after seeming like he cares about doing this honourably by subtly allowing Ryunosuke to see through the whole made-up smuggling angle that he was ordered by Stronghart to pursue – which really he does so that he can reveal that Gregson was working for the Reaper – Kazuma then proceeds to spin the absolute most bonkers line of so-called logic we’ve seen from him yet. It gets a little waylaid by Ryunosuke managing to prove that Kazuma was with Gregson that day as the assassin, but ultimately, Kazuma’s argument is as follows:

Gregson was ordered to kill Jigoku that day, and since he failed (because Kazuma refused to do it, not through any fault of Gregson’s, mind you), van Zieks, who is obviously the Reaper’s mastermind (still zero proof of this base premise to all his arguments) therefore must have killed Gregson as punishment for disappointing him. Kazuma acts so certain of this argument, like this is proof that van Zieks did it. But even if this didn’t rely on the completely unfounded base premise that van Zieks is the Reaper, and also the flimsy idea that Gregson was at fault for the mission failure, this still proves nothing but van Zieks’s potential motive, and not that he actually killed anyone!

(This isn’t the only time Kazuma argues using the base premise that van Zieks is the Reaper without backing it up – it also fuels half of his basis for calling van Zieks’s first testimony a lie, because obviously the Reaper must be lying about having never visited his own hideout before, right.)

And then Kazuma brings up Jigoku’s disappearance and makes an even worse argument: that van Zieks totally still wanted to kill Jigoku anyway, badly enough that he was willing to send some other assassin after him from prison (something he’s totally capable of, somehow, because uhhhhhh Reaper). Therefore, Jigoku’s disappearance proves that van Zieks had him killed, and thus also that van Zieks killed Gregson. Definitely no other possibility, not that if Jigoku’s missing it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s dead, nor that if he has been murdered it could possibly be the work of anyone other than van Zieks. If something bad has happened, then it must be because van Zieks’s is the Absolute Worst.

All of this backwards logic falls apart in an instant if you even just briefly entertain the possibility that van Zieks isn’t the Reaper and isn’t the Worst Person Ever. But Kazuma’s not being corrupt here on purpose – he’s just so horrendously, tragically tunnel-visioned into his reality where van Zieks is a monster that he genuinely can’t see how broken his logic is. He’s so convinced that van Zieks must be the Reaper and Gregson’s killer that any events which could be explained by that get twisted around in his head to become further proof of that, proof he’s confident enough to present in court, despite the obvious logical fallacy in that way of thinking. He genuinely seems to believe that this entire argument for van Zieks’s guilt, which hinges on the unfounded premise that we already know he's the Reaper, is going to then prove he’s the Reaper as well. That’s completely circular!

Even when Jigoku’s on the stand the next day, at which point most people’s suspicions would be likely to have shifted at least a little towards him (you know, given the whole fleeing-the-country thing), Kazuma’s opinion hasn’t budged at all. He remains firmly convinced that this is nothing but a dead-end, right up until he simply can’t any longer. When Ryunosuke manages to confirm that there’s blood in Jigoku’s trunk, thus conclusively proving that Gregson was murdered on the Grouse, Kazuma’s reaction is immediate and distinctly shocked – “You can’t be serious! You did it?” He is only realising in this very moment that Gregson’s killer was someone other than van Zieks, and he almost can’t believe it.

And even then, with Jigoku’s confession, Kazuma manages to mental-gymnastics his way into convincing himself that van Zieks definitely still ordered the killing and is therefore still guilty. It’s actually a relevant detail that Jigoku’s setup at Fresno Street was intending to frame Hugh Boone and not van Zieks, because Jigoku would never have tried to frame his superior. This way Kazuma can tell himself that van Zieks just carelessly, foolishly blundered his way into the trap set up by his underling for someone else (it’s a fun contradiction how the van Zieks in Kazuma’s head is simultaneously a terrifying monster and also a blundering fool) and it totally all still makes sense.

Opening his eyes

It really is kind of heartbreaking to see Kazuma, who truly is a highly-skilled lawyer most of the time, descend into desperate obvious fallacies like this. And while Ryunosuke is apparently still caught up enough in his idolisation of Kazuma to not notice any of his flawed logic for most of the trial, he does eventually see how clouded his friend’s mind has become. When van Zieks confirms he knew nothing about the fabrication of the ring in the autopsy, Kazuma brokenly tries to insist that no, it must have been him, it has to be – he’s clung to his hatred of van Zieks as a coping mechanism for his grief for so long that he doesn’t know what to do without it. Ryunosuke takes this opportunity to finally try and talk him down, telling him that his emotions have blinded him to the truth. And in a testament to the strength of their friendship, Kazuma listens and takes his words to heart. Surprisingly quickly, in fact!

Another of the little hints that a buried part of Kazuma was always capable of acknowledging that van Zieks is a good person is that it really doesn’t take long for him to re-evaluate his opinion on the man, once Ryunosuke talks him into letting go of his hatred at last. Only a minute or so later, Kazuma’s able to acknowledge that perhaps van Zieks is the one who’s been deluded all these years, that the reason he condemned Kazuma’s father could be simply that he was mistaken (or misled) about the Professor’s true identity. (Though Kazuma does phrase this statement as if he wasn’t also equally deluded about the real truth of things until just now, which sure is some projecting.) Later on, Kazuma fervently defends van Zieks by praising the strength he showed in enduring the title of Reaper for all these years, which is a remarkable level of acknowledging van Zieks’s suffering and humanity from someone who was until very recently convinced he was nothing but a monster! It just goes to show that Kazuma already did notice all these things about van Zieks during his time as his apprentice. He simply forced himself to suppress and dismiss those thoughts until now because they didn’t fit the villainous image of van Zieks he was so desperately clinging to.

Despite all of the awkwardness and reservations that it’d be difficult to shake completely, Kazuma does express respect for van Zieks at the end of the trial. He’s also clearly determined to keep studying under him, as shown by the fact that he’s the one to encourage van Zieks to keep prosecuting when he’s planning to resign due to his brother’s crimes. I suspect Kazuma wants to study under him not only because van Zieks the most skilled prosecutor in Britain, but also because he’s so incredibly good at not being corrupt despite everything, and Kazuma feels he needs to learn from someone like that, after having come so close to falling prey to his own demons.

Even then, with his respect for van Zieks and determination to learn from him, Kazuma still can’t forgive him for the mistake ten years ago that cost his father’s life. And that’s a heavy fact, considering that Kazuma himself is guilty of very nearly doing as much himself in trying so fervently to convict van Zieks. It would have been exactly the same kind of mistake – condemning an innocent man to death due to overlooking the hints at the real truth out of grief-driven hatred. That Kazuma can’t bring himself to forgive van Zieks for such a thing very strongly implies that he’s also not able to forgive himself for all the mistakes he’s made.

After all, forgiveness as a concept probably doesn’t really exist in Kazuma’s head. For ten years since losing his father, he’d never have felt like he needed it. How would forgiving the monster who destroyed his life have fixed anything? – far better to focus on avenging his father and bringing justice and putting things right. And by that same token… how would forgiving himself fix anything? Yet now here he is at the end, in a position where the healthiest thing to do really would be to forgive both van Zieks and himself for their mistakes and wrongdoings and move forward. But Kazuma doesn’t know how to do so.

And then there’s his father. Kazuma’s learned during this trial that his father – the man he so passionately believed would never take another man’s life, would never engage in underhanded deals, would never tell a lie – did in fact do all of those things ten years ago. It’s going to be tough for him to come to terms with that. But maybe also, that could help him? To realise that even his father, that esteemed paragon of justice in his eyes, was flawed and human, someone who compromised his own morals out of desperation and emotion and trying his best to do the right thing. I really, really hope it stuck with Kazuma that the reason Genshin lied and took the deal with Stronghart was out of love for him. If that’s an understandable enough reason, if that’s something he can forgive his father for, then it ought to be just as understandable and forgivable that Kazuma himself did so many things he regrets out of the very same love for his father.

The other thing I hope Kazuma reflects on is how glad he must be that he brought Ryunosuke to Great Britain. Even though things didn’t turn out remotely as planned, even despite all the awkward painful distance caused by the accident that separated them, Ryunosuke still succeeded in doing exactly what Kazuma brought him for, which was to help him. And that’s not only helping him find the truth, but also helping him do the right thing and not lose himself to his hatred and convict van Zieks. I truly don’t know if Kazuma would ever have been able to forgive himself if van Zieks had actually been wrongfully executed because of him, condemned to the same fate as his father. But that didn’t happen, thanks to Ryunosuke. Kazuma’s best friend managed to save him from himself.

I think Kazuma is at least somewhat aware of this, as indicated in the reason he asks Ryunosuke to hold onto Karuma at the end. Kazuma’s own demons are what caused him to horribly misuse Karuma and lead to it breaking, and he doesn’t trust himself with it any more at present – but he trusts Ryunosuke. On a symbolic level, he’s trusting his best friend to safeguard his soul and keep it from being damaged further, until he feels he’s grown enough to be worthy of it again and to be able to look after it himself.

So even though they’re parting ways for now, I hope Kazuma can look at the importance that his bond with Ryunosuke had in keeping him on the right path, and seek out other opportunities for friendship and connection during his time in Great Britain. More than anything else, what Kazuma needs to fight his demons and stay walking on the path of light is simply to not be alone.

~~~

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed my thoughts on Kazuma enough to make it all the way to the end of this post, you may also be interested in reading the Kazuma-centric fics I’ve written. They explore a lot of the concepts discussed here and even helped me to figure several of them out in the first place!

Sharing the Pain

An AU in which Ryunosuke and Kazuma are caught out in their stowaway ruse on the Burya, leading to a flogging as punishment. Explores a more vulnerable side of Kazuma than normal, his difficulty opening up to his best friend about his emotions and past even when he wants to, and the way he really just wanted Ryunosuke with him on this trip for emotional support and to not be alone but is completely incapable of admitting it.

Not Forgotten, But

My AU in which Kazuma actually was faking his amnesia, exploring how that might have come about and how it would have affected him. Featuring Kazuma’s hang-ups about the assassination mission, distancing himself from his friends, lots of hatred and mental gymnastics around van Zieks, suppressed trauma about his father’s case, and his inability to acknowledge that he could be having any kind of doubts or regrets about the situation he’s in.

A Friend, Locked Up

Taking place in that same AU where Kazuma was faking his amnesia, this follows up with what I very strongly believe should have happened in canon, namely Kazuma getting arrested for Gregson’s murder halfway through the final case. Includes his perspective of that fateful moment in the cabin with Gregson, and then featuring his suspicious actions and questionable approaches to the case actually collapsing around him in court, bringing Kazuma lower than he ever comes in canon and giving me plenty of opportunity to explore all the reasons he’d have to hate himself, before Ryunosuke pulls him out of that and saves Kazuma from himself in a much more direct way.

#ace attorney #the great ace attorney #the great ace attorney chronicles #great ace attorney #dai gyakuten saiban #tgaa spoilers #kazuma asogi #asougi kazuma #character analysis #ramble #friends #my buttons

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