#I used a reference but I've no clue where it is anymore

[houseofheroesau]

Doodled this pic of Time a while ago.

There's obvious mistakes but that just makes it more of a mood honestly.

[findmeinthefallair]

Hunter's Experiences After Belos's Death

Oops, this got long. Aw well, it was really fun to write.

Special thanks to @ashanimus!

This is speculative at the end of the day, but since:

1. This is my fave animated show of all time

2. I grew up with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) like Hunter

3. I work as a therapist,

I thought to list down some things I can visualize happening in the duration of the finale's timeskip, before that beautiful epilogue we saw. And I want to dive in using whatever clues, leads and parallels I can find in canon: to analyze and see how he went from the Bad But Sad Boy to that peaceful-looking palisman carver in the epilogue.

A small reference I had for this meta is Cinema Therapy's episode on the Hunger Games movies (link), since the protagonist, Katniss Everdeen, from the book and also movie trilogy would have the same diagnosis as Hunter. Those books and movies explored how Katniss coped with the frightening and dramatically different landscape that was the calmness of her world post-victory.

Part 1: His Possible Experiences Leading Up to Seeking a Therapist

His disposition could possibly become like Luz's from early Season 3: a state of emotionally shutting down and numbing out. He appeared to nearly head in this direction right after he was revived by Flapjack, as he began to cry. There was that small window where he could have expressed more tears than he did, and have his body shut down under the weight of bereavement.

But the immediate physical threat, Belos, was still on the run. He got up, sprang into action and didn't catch a break from the time he followed Belos through the portal until he stood in The Collector's palace after Belos died (had he even received the news of his 'Uncle' dying yet??!).

Now that Belos isn't around anymore, the Isles will have a completely different feel and rebuilding the land would've taken grueling work after the dismantling of a damaging Coven System.

I was looking at Luz's behavior and gestures in Thanks to Them, which were indicative of her sinking into depression after 1. the horrible revelation in Hollow Mind that she unintentionally helped Philip. 2. witnessing Flapjack's death. I'm putting screenshots of her below in parallel with Hunter's own emotions in For the Future:

They have different mental health conditions if you talk symptoms, e.g. Luz doesn't show signs of CPTSD hypervigilance, while Hunter doesn't have that slowing down in his physical and mental activity which points to depression. But both have suffered from moral injury thanks to Belos's violence and manipulation.

However, a major comparison is that Hunter has had much more repressed emotion over a long period compared to Luz. The column with Hunter screencaps above, is what he may feel with a much higher intensity in the weeks and months after he first hears that his abuser has passed on.

Shown below, the few seconds of Hunter's big smile drooping when it was all over, was a big hint for me:

A hint that there is a deep undercurrent of emotions he'd much rather not feel, that he'd probably rather hide from himself. Even while smiling, we know how his heart-wrenching story has played out and the light in his eyes here doesn't match the brightness we see in his expressions in the epilogue, post-timeskip.

That is the face of a kid who has not cried out massive amounts of tears yet. He doesn't look like he's carrying a light load yet, compared to what we see in his future self. And it's certainly a heavier smile than the jollier one he makes here right after King's Tide when Flapjack was still around:

I can't imagine the amount of grief that his body has yet to dredge up and release, once he finally doesn't have to worry about his 'uncle' threatening his life anymore. Too many times to count, I've been in the situation where I cry intensely after being retraumatized and think "Huh? More tears? Where did it come from?? I thought I had cried it all out from my whole being the last time!". It kind of convinced me that anyone with CPTSD has so much grief stored up in their body that the number of times needed to have a good cry feels like a really endless expanse.

However: because I had 7 years of being in and out of therapy, what matters is that the durations between these episodes of mine, the durations of the episodes themselves, plus their intensity have reduced a lot. It was around a 4-year timeskip in the finale, so for Hunter to get as far as he did to heal, his own therapy sessions would've probably been rigorous and very consistent.

Anyway, he might now cycle through his own version of what Luz cycled through when she gradually shuts down from failing to build a new portal door in Thanks to Them, continually believes she's as bad as Belos, and when she alludes to her suicidal ideation in the classroom:

whereby there is a likely parallel between Luz wrestling with guilt from her own moral injury, and Hunter's own guilt from what he wished he could've done to prevent being possessed, to prevent Flapjack from dying. Both their situations are that of moral injuries.

The adrenaline rush would be over for everyone on the Isles.

I'm quite sure the therapists on the Isles will operate pretty soon after the news about Belos's death was out. They would conduct whatever version of mental health triage they have, that involves risk assessments and crisis counselling. Both of these based on what I've learnt are shorter in duration (30 minutes) and are one-off sessions, compared to regular talk therapy which is an hour minimum.

The therapists would be redirecting people to necessary resources e.g. where to find food or loved ones, and managing distress only related to people's immediate needs instead of forming a longer term plan for several weekly sessions.

I believe things are simpler when you are running away from an external threat, like the two Hunter scenarios below. In Hollow Mind there is no emotion on his face because in peak C-PTSD mode he has shut down his emotions to pour that energy into escaping Belos. In Thanks to Them, he appears quite obviously scared with widened eyes because he got comfortable with safety for months and Belos's return was a surprise attack (thanks ashanimus for pointing out to me how his expressions are animated!):

But what is there to run from now? Not an external threat for sure. The war zone is now the one in his mind, heart and soul and it would become front and center. I believe both these screenshots are two notches on a dial, and the missing third image - which would show him finding it difficult to stuff down the grief any longer, might look like a more exasperated version of when he told Willow "Please don't call yourself [a Half-a-Witch] ever again" in For the Future, and eventually a more depressed version of his vanishing smile in The Collector's Palace.

When can he really run from himself? Only while asleep, if he's spared nightmares on any given night, or while distracting himself with the main mission of rebuilding the Isles or continuing to bond with his friends and other people.

His anger in For the Future was a telling sign for me that he made sure his focus was still on an external threat: he still had the opportunity to do so back then, because Belos was still alive. But when we see him in The Collector's palace sending Willow off to her dads, there has realistically been a shift in what will threaten the more fragile shreds of inner peace he's still clinging on to. There are those scary trauma-related emotions to worry about, which wouldn't have just evaporated into thin air. They would be looking for a new outlet, and they'll find their way into flashbacks, nightmares, tension still stored in the body, an exaggerated startle response, etc.

We have seen a range of reactions he has to danger, triggers and emotional pain: some involve moving his body more, and fewer involve a short of shutting down:

Flinching during Belos's tantrums, being able to fight Kikimora calmly, freezing up in the throne room (Hunting Palismen)

Suicidal ideation and even a sort of suicide plan (Eclipse Lake)

Freezing up and expecting punishment from Darius (Any Sport in a Storm)

Being able to stay almost entirely calm as he learnt more and more of the truth about Belos, though his hand was shaking briefly, then a panic attack later on (Hollow Mind)

Lots of avoidance symptoms like numbing, combined with hypervigilance e.g. shivering and another panic attack (Labyrinth Runners)

Feeling fear with underlying shame and subconsciously expecting punishment, when he failed to save Luz (Clouds on the Horizon)

Freezing and recoiling, though he fought against this by asserting a boundary with Belos (King's Tide)

Panic attack when looking into the mirror and having an emotional flashback, hypervigilance e.g. stamping his foot and shivering (Thanks to Them)

Anger and rage to cope with bereavement, later being tearful (For the Future)

Most likely a sense of bereavement, deep exhaustion and possibly loneliness, during that briefly shown moment in The Collector's Palace (Watching and Dreaming)

The serious work he has to put in to heal from his trauma would begin once his whole body gives in to the exhaustion, catching up with the bereavement-related emotions that have also begun to settle in. It could be a massive emotional and physical collapse that he can't fight off, where his physical energy levels become tanked seemingly out of nowhere. And I think it would look like a worse version of him lying in his makeshift grave, where he is barely able to move around the house or anywhere for some time.

This happened to Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, and while the portrayal was done differently in the books and movies, both were good explorations of what it's like to shift from the default high alert (and long-term) mode of CPTSD to coping with the scary unknown world of newfound safety. Katniss spent her childhood in poverty and being constantly on edge that she might be chosen for the Hunger Games, being parentified, to provide for her family.

While participating in the games, she had to utilize battle skills and kill others to survive and sustained many injuries, still constantly on high alert whereby any respite would last for incredibly short durations. Towards the end of the story, after she loses the one she loved most (her sister Prim, who I think can be a parallel of Flapjack in this meta), Katniss shifts from peak physical activity into mostly sleeping and being actively suicidal for months, hardly moving and not leaving the house, until the shock of traumatic grief began to wear off. She absolutely crashed and went from one extreme to the other. In the movie Mockingjay Part 2, they added a non-book scene where her grief comes out in an outburst when she sees their pet cat hanging around on the kitchen counter. She flings an object in the cat's direction, then screams "[Prim] is gone!!" repeatedly before collapsing into heavy sobs, picking up the cat and holding it to her chest to soothe herself.

This kind of major collapse might happen very soon to Hunter after he leaves The Collector's Palace or only after some weeks. The timing of this, I can't predict. The reason why he didn't appear to have this issue in the early months being in the human realm is because there was still something external to concentrate on: help his friends get back to the Human Realm, help Luz reunite with Eda and King, while him and Flapjack hoped to go home too.

You could argue that even now, he still has something external to focus on i.e. helping the others rebuild the Isles. However I keep imagining that the people who love him are going to be quite adamant in getting him, Luz and the other kids to please rest. Since we saw Steve recommend his therapist to Lilith in O Titan Where Art Thou, I can picture the adults in particular monitoring how Hunter is doing without Flapjack.

But if this collapse I'm speculating about doesn't happen so soon, he would be pouring himself into helping others, referencing his character-centric line all the way back in Hunting Palismen about wanting to offer help, which he utters twice in that episode. There is an overlap between this expectation he has of himself and the old habit he's at risk of falling back into periodically: overworking.

Once his desire to help others is clearly comes across as an avoidance tactic on the outside - a maladaptive coping mechanism to run from the very difficult emotions that he should be processing - people around him are definitely going to set boundaries and say "No" to any attempts he makes to assist them. Someone is probably going to tell him that whatever desperation he is showing in wanting to help other people, needs to be redirected at himself. Making time and space for himself, taking time off to rest.

Him suffering from a major emotional and physical collapse is pretty likely because things are more complicated (though, physically much much safer) for him now than at the beginning of Thanks to Them when he had just fled from Belos to the human realm, and had Flapjack as his closest company. Fast forward to the victory won in Watching and Dreaming: both Flapjack and Belos are gone now.

It's telling that different thoughts are occupying Hunter's mind now, from how his expressions are drawn during his first days in the human realm vs. when peace is restored in the Isles.

1. See the sense of calmer urgency in his expression, putting the mission of building the portal door first, while experiencing a strong sense of togetherness with his friends, and learning to trust Camila who is treating him well:

compared to

2. the sheer exhaustion and feeling of "What now...?" (see his upper eyelids below?) that set in, once he helped Willow find her parents and there was no more task at hand that didn't involve himself. His bright smile from a split-second ago has drooped and disappeared:

I know that right after the above frame, Darius and Eberwolf reunited with him, but his emotions are going to cycle up and down in the hours, weeks and months ahead. The elation from seeing Darius and Eber - people who were there to greet him when he expected nobody to turn up - is not going to last, though it will certainly come and go, because high-running positive emotions like that don't last as long, especially in the context of the life he's had as a child soldier. It's totally possible that on the same night, hours after this reunion with their loved ones, their emotions will shift drastically.

The tired look in his eyes above and the sad face he then makes, is in between two moments of him having something external to focus on (Willow and then Darius). I'm inclined to think that the above depressed look reflects a lot of the complexity that is going on underneath the surface. What is his state of mind when alone with his thoughts, when he has zero tasks to perform? How is he handling those thoughts?

There will be a deep, sometimes mind-numbing sense of bereavement over two significant figures in his life. First Flapjack, now this:

He used to love Belos. But I'm really not sure he can just uproot that love from deep within and discard it. Hunter carries memories like the following ones around which will be confusing to navigate on tougher days, despite being able to tell Luz "That's what Belos does, he tricks people". Because these were his formative years:

and something tells me that Philip was cunning enough to strike a delicate balance between being 'nice' to Hunter like above, versus unleashing his violent temper to terrify and harm him. Making sure that balance was so close to 50/50 that it would leave a child very confused. So confused he would rather believe he's never good enough rather than the more frightening prospect that his so-called family does not actually love him at all.

Hunter will have a moment now and then of still missing the 'niceness' that his 'uncle' showed towards him (felt in his heart and subconscious), while still knowing (in his head, rationally) that Philip was not genuine when treating him that way.

To note though, he did not witness Belos's death which reduces the severity of intrusive images that the poor kid would see in his mind.

What I'm worried about is how he'll handle the news about the grimwalker graveyard, since I'm sure that location is going to be scoured and Darius would want to give his mentor a proper sending off. They'd want to give all the Golden Guards and Caleb a sending off and pay their respects. This might add to what I suspect will be the messed up depression he'll fall into.

It will be very confusing and emotionally disorienting, literally not needing to worry about anyone killing him anymore. He has had no point of reference for this in his life at all. It might possibly the furthest he ever goes from that primal survival instinct he had while living in the Castle for so long, which took up the majority of his life so far:

There will also be the added layer of how he feels about those first emotions. This is literally a concept called Feelings About Feelings and it's a key part of my work since I use the Satir Model in my style of counselling. We don't just feel emotions, we also tack on our own judgments and evaluations about them. E.g. shame about feeling anger, guilt about feeling sad because of burdening others, or even a combination like fear about feeling joy which can show up in healing from bereavement.

Depending on how we feel about whichever emotions got there first, it makes a difference because we could be adding or subtracting unnecessary suffering from the first emotion, especially if the first emotion is an already unpleasant one.

I have a feeling that we'd see Hunter look very very tired, till he makes breakthroughs in therapy. A tiredness that sleep, a healthy diet and exercise alone simply cannot fix. Because there's an entire upbringing in the Emperor's Coven to sort through in his head, this time not combined with the avoidance of having fled to the human realm and living under one roof with his friends.

The Hexsquad are not living under the same roof anymore, they are reunited with their own families with much to emotionally talk out, and the group no longer has a very urgent single collective mission. Sure, Hunter has an active role to play in rebuilding the Isles, but what about rebuilding his very self? He has the steepest climb, because we have seen the symptoms he exhibits.

Most of all, referencing a section of my Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1) meta (link), a memory as horrible as this:

will likely be the most intrusive image is going to be replaying again and again over the months to come, and it may flood his thoughts during moments of being triggered or even out of nowhere during quiet moments for no apparent reason. It will be just like a broken record, where the same small excerpt of a song loops endlessly until the needle of the gramophone is repositioned.

It was remarkably poignant that his final words to Belos were "And most of all, I'm going to make sure you never hurt anyone again", and I'm happy with the story keeping it this way and understand why the writers likely made this decision - not just because the season was shortened. Hunter did not need to directly see or hear more from Belos in close quarters, not after his abuser minimized his needs for years, gaslit him, possessed him and got him to murder his best friend with his own hands.

It's more straightforward to make sure someone else isn't hurting anyone. It's easier to think of what plans to implement, when it comes to him protecting others: which he has had plenty of practice with. Because those are practical methods that we can see in action on the outside.

But here's the kicker: what about applying that last grand statement from his TTT speech to himself, emotionally: making sure he isn't psychologically hurting himself with harmful unhelpful thoughts and beliefs, after Belos's death? "I'll make sure I don't hurt myself (and by extension, my loved ones) again".

This will be very new to him, and it is a theme that I handle in pretty much every client case in my therapy work. The client's self-dialogue, the self-compassion or lack thereof. Which, in real life, is often not a concept that our own families and schools introduce to us to be familiar with.

For Hunter, this may translate into him making the decision to get help and truly accepting the gift of life that Flapjack gave him.

Basically this on a much bigger scale:

whereby in Flapjack's absence, he can truly believe in this new and positive fundamental belief about himself. The evidence that he managed to make it to that heartbreaking but incredibly beautiful place is pretty strong:

But before his happy ending, the pressure on himself to be useful to others via helping and working is likely going to come back and be used as his way of coping, and there's a chance it will cross the line into becoming a form of self-harm that he's relying on to avoid the frightening, deeper emotional pain. People around him know him well enough that they'll be able to spot his behavioral changes and then sense he is not going in a helpful direction. They'll see that it's hurting him even though it's the most familiar territory for his mind to be in, and someone is going to tell him to change that.

He's going to be seeing his friends with their palismen. How will it be like being among them, even if they are pretty good at supporting him? How would he attempt to make sense of the void that is the absence of the incredible love he experienced from that first friend, the absence of that mental link between witch and palisman?

What emotions could be lurking beneath the surface? Believe it or not, there are some signs from Luz's nightmare even though yes, Hunter was being controlled by The Collector. I wouldn't quickly dismiss this dark Flapjack-related scene as 100% being about The Collector's goal to scare Luz in the nightmare.

I think there was a smaller subplot going on as well.

The Collector needed material to work with in the first place, to perform the puppet acts: the material was whatever fears and whatever pain was already there in their targets.

The Collector didn't create Hunter's emotions from scratch for the puppet act; instead he manipulated and redirected what existed at the base level. All this wouldn't work as analogies of mental illness vs. mental health if The Collector could just engineer emotions on their own and simply replace whatever his puppet targets were already feeling. Emotions never vanish and always take up space somewhere, they are redirected, transformed or channeled into outlets even if it means they become repressed or locked away. But they never stop existing.

I have a feeling that despite the nightmare being Luz's, despite Hunter being used as an instrument for The Collector to achieve their goals...the pre-existing emotions that Hunter himself felt in his body, not puppet!Hunter's verbal responses towards Luz, were true. He is a haunted boi.

This face he makes above might be a hint at the worst of his pain. It might be the furthest he has felt from when he said "I like who I am right now" to Flapjack. In the place of that confidence from before, there might now be his own version of Luz's "I'm as bad as Belos". I cannot be entirely certain, but the negative belief that may have taken root in him could be "I am not deserving of the life Flapjack gave me".

Interestingly, if this is the case, it could easily parallel his line from all the way back in Any Sport in A Storm: "I'm unfit to wear the sigil of the Golden Guard." It's definitely a possibility, since Hunter is now faced with having a lot of time and space now, and less urgency than he's ever had in his life, to think back on all those times he helped to further Belos's cause. Especially when it came to sending many palismen to their deaths.

With his own palisman now dead, the engraving we would eventually see on Flapjack's grave: "Thank you for finding me", would be the destination. But the journey needed to reach that destination of amazing gratitude in the first place...must have been a harrowing one. In the early months of the acute grief, it would've been more like "Why did you have to find me?! You shouldn't have. Then none of this would've happened". Not forgetting the number of times Hunter has replayed in his head what he could've done differently, trying so desperately to rewind the clock and make that better alternate timeline a reality.

If you remove The Collector and even Luz from the equation in the Luz nightmare scene, Hunter may well be having such responses - the ones that puppet!Hunter directed at Luz to blame Luz - as a dialogue with himself. He might direct those negative emotions towards himself since he's so careful about hurting others and has taken on unfair punishment for so much of his life.

Even when he was temporarily himself, smiling, expressing a positive emotion to encourage Luz with "What's the first thing you do when you wake up from a bad dream?", that was him conversing with another person, someone external. Not his own self. I am willing to bet he wasn't at a point in his arc where he would smile at himself like that and easily encourage himself in the same way.

While we can be certain he had already reached his breakthroughs by the time we saw him post-timeskip, he has not experienced them yet in the frame above. He has not felt (yet) what Luz felt onscreen when she had breakthroughs in relation to her moral injury:

Taking a leap of faith to accept the Titan's gift, to trust that he chose her because she has a good heart and will never be Belos.

Then later, being able to stand firm, believing she truly is good ("I am the Good Witch Luz!"), and not uttering a word to Belos as he died - which was post-traumatic growth beyond how she broke down under his threats and manipulation towards the end of Hollow Mind and later in King's Tide.

Recap time. In the (quite likely) long period that passes by before we meet his new palismen, he's likely going to want to jump into action and attend meetings with Darius, Eberwolf and co, help to physically rebuild things and organize people with his own Coven Head experience. Leaning back on the ingrained and familiar lifestyle of pouring himself into work and gearing towards burnout is certainly a risk to watch out for.

The Hexsquad, CATTs and the Clawthorne sisters are going to notice his behavior and likely urge him to get appropriate rest and seek help.

However, there is the other extreme: Belos isn't around anymore to torment him, and Hunter would know this in the rational sense (head knowledge). Which leads to the possibility that he may swing towards shutting down as opposed to overworking tendencies. He would feel allowed to do whatever he wants, in this new Boiling Isles, and he had months of opportunities to do that in the early part of Thanks to Them before Belos's return.

What I'm getting at is, if he didn't sleep enough before, he might swing towards sleeping too much after finally collapsing from the familiarity of survival mode into unknown but genuinely safe territory. If he cared too much about helping others before, he might swing towards a depressive state of apathy (the closest canon reference point would be him digging his grave: he was very disarmed in that scene to even think much about helping anyone including Belos). This is why the screenshot I used of his smile drooping in The Collector's Palace, feels like a big clue to me. This would be where Darius, Camila and other adults have to seriously keep watch over him.

In the Cinema Therapy episode I had as a small reference for this post, the licensed therapist who hosts the series mentions that "It takes a lot longer to put oneself back together than it took to fall apart." In Hunter's case, the "falling apart" period here refers to that collapsing I mentioned. It would be the time between:

1. the grief hitting him in full force: when he subconsciously understands and acknowledges that Flapjack isn't coming back (which...will involve hell of a lot of wailing and sobbing. Him having a full version cry of those first few tears he shed at the end of TTT),

and

2. the time when the painful shock from feeling the full force of the grief has decreased enough that it plateaus.

This falling apart stage may need to pass before he seeks therapy. If he tries going for sessions while still going through that shock and pain, it might be too much for him.

As terrible and sad as it sounds, a deep dark spiral like this might be necessary. It would be his body and mind wanting to compensate for several years' worth of unnatural hypervigilance which wasn't serving him in a advantageous way (i.e. surviving) any longer. His body and mind begging for rest at last, to try and make sense of everything that happened. This big collapse into depression would empty out the old and free up much room in him for new stories, beliefs and perspectives to take root. Depression is, after all, the body's attempt to (maladaptively) try and protect us by numbing us, or else we would be overwhelmed.

As someone whom we know keeps himself very busy, this could be the period where he is the furthest he has ever been from that old simpler life. Because his CPTSD-ridden body would be demanding more than ever that he compensates for a childhood and teen years' lack of general rest, he may not even have the strength to cope the way he did before. The only way he might possibly cope in this period is to go with the flow of that raging current and do exactly what his body is asking of him: getting real rest.

Like what happened with Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, this early grieving stage would emotionally be difficult and terrifying, like walking along a tightrope, finding balance between left and right to angle yourself as straightly as possible and walk forward. (the tightrope metaphor is what I use with some of my clients to explain swinging between extremes of coping mechanisms).

The missing pieces of the puzzle in his arc, in the 4-year duration before the timeskip, might be his own version of these points in Luz's arc:

where she sank lower before she realized her deepest wish and emotionally experienced her worst fear in her Watching and Dreaming nightmare.

For Hunter, these could look like the following:

Like Luz saying it'd be better for everyone that she permanently stays in the human realm, Hunter might say he wants to remove himself from his loved ones in some way, for good. Whether a literal suicide attempt (like Katniss from The Hunger Games) or not, I can't say for sure.

A parental figure trying to reach out to him, saying he is deserving of Flapjack's gift. But he still struggles to believe that. What matters though is this parental figure is present and he's not pushing them away.

Him hearing some confirmation of his deepest negative belief about himself, in his own nightmares. Like Luz hearing the most terrifying things she could ever hear - Amity's "You've been the real villain this whole time" and "But for the sake of everyone you hurt, I challenge you to a witch's [duel]".

Him being able to reach an emotional space where he can begin to question that unhelpful belief: "Am I really deserving of Flapjack's gift?", or something similar.

The big moment when he finally tells someone how he really feels about the possession, Belos's death, Flapjack's absence in this new supposed peace and quiet....this would be the important invitation for the other person to connect and meet his emotional needs, and is a lot like how support groups for addiction work: a client needs to acknowledge that they are struggling with a problem, not avoiding it with distractions any longer, and then seek help and express their need for said help.

I suppose the question is how soon Hunter might decide to accept professional help and give it a go: or whether he'd have the genuine need for space first and say "I need some time". Because one's rational mind can be ready to go for therapy, but their subconscious and body would find it too unpleasant if it's too soon. Every part of him would have to be ready to begin putting himself back together after the falling apart stage occurs.

The messed up experience of CPTSD is that you stay shockingly calm during real danger, but on the flip side have big, disproportionate freakouts during actually safe times. Compare how calm Hunter was when he smiled at Luz in her nightmare while he was tied up with puppet strings vs. his fear and shame when he couldn't save Luz in Clouds on the Horizon. 

In a CPTSD memoir I read, the author describes that it was horribly frightening to hear her partner be in a bad mood and wash the dishes more loudly than usual, while during the pandemic, she felt completely calm seeing empty shelves in a supermarket when she struggled to get supplies.

From my own experience, I have experienced being pretty damn calm when bleeding out and needing hospitalization. But in a different year before that, I recall one afternoon alone in my house right before a vacation where a strong gust of wind very loudly slammed an open door shut next to where I happened to be standing, and I broke down sobbing from a retraumatization via an emotional flashback. Because it felt extremely real as if my abusive parent was lashing out to physically hurt me. 

After a 5-year period of mostly being in talk therapy, and then a 2-year period of regularly scheduled EMDR therapy, my response if I have a door loudly slam shut near me now would maybe be a smaller-scale flinch and a flash of anger that would last about maybe a minute. Which is miles better than sobbing for half an hour and being dissociated and frozen in a memory for hours before I thaw out of that flashback.

Since the show's writing is just that good, I could look at Luz's depressive symptoms manifesting in Thanks to Them and see a likely parallel in Hunter's story moving forward, since we know how much this show also digs neat and tidy parallels. These are characters written for TV after all, so they'd have to fit a formula to an extent, to have compelling arcs and reach high and low points along said arcs.

Part 2: Therapy Itself

Part 1 was the setup to give a good amount of context: now for the technicalities of the therapy sessions themselves:

Like Adrian Graye said in Labyrinth Runners, Illusion Magic can sort through memories. We have seen from Gus's own powerful Illusion abilities that he could do so with Belos. It makes sense that a therapist does this in sessions to have a magnified version of how in our world, therapists exercise empathy by imagining what it is like to be their clients:

I would monitor whether his mood (what he is feeling within) and affect (how the emotions appear on the outside e.g. tone of voice, face expressions) are congruent. Congruence usually means a client is in less distress. Incongruence might mean they are in so much pain that they can't connect directly with the main emotion: the perfect example of this being Hunter laughing when digging his grave.

We therapists take note of aspects such as affect, mood, the client's motor activity, any indicators of psychosis, even down to things like how untidy their hair looks in case we get clues about the severity of their issues (this is called a Mental Status Exam, and we write what we see in our case notes per session).

Because CPTSD is so relationship-centric, I'd discuss how he's getting along with new parental figures (the Belos replacements who will heal him so much and change his life forever!) and friends.

If the Boiling Isles therapists use their own equivalent of EMDR therapy, which is theorized to be like a waking version of how REM sleep and REM-related dreams help our brains to sort through memories, it sounds like a great fit for his case. This intervention involves subconscious work and could help him reshape how he experiences memories of Flapjack and Belos. EMDR clients are expected to see vivid images popping up without control in their mind during the sessions, and they are quite symbolic e.g. seeing a grey sky often indicates grief, seeing lighter colors indicates more calm. This technique helps a client's subconscious rewrite their story the way they'd like it to be, and install new positive beliefs and emotions over time.

My own example of EMDR experiences from the second half of 2019 as a client, is it majorly changed how I related to my own abuser, got me to finally feel allowed to emotionally break away from her, even though she is still alive and even lives in the same building.

In the early sessions, I saw an image of my 5-year-old self being forced to wear an ugly grey apron that my abuser used for baking. The apron is a real object, not fictional, and the emotions I felt showing up were matching with the image: feeling very uncomfortable seeing a visual representation of my abuser's hold over me.

But in a later session after a few months, guided by my therapist, I saw a vivid image of my abuser receiving a sea burial. She was lying peacefully on the water surface and sank down until she was gone. That was me subconsciously burying any expectation that she could ever provide what I needed. This was so powerful that I could go home after that session and permanently (so far) be significantly calmer around my abuser.

Therefore if Hunter goes through something like this, he'd potentially be able to put Belos to rest and have it feel very real and true: and have significantly reduced distress about Belos-related memories. There is the potential for powerful breakthroughs for him here, especially also related to Flapjack's death and how challenging it might be to carve palismen in the beginning. Especially since in the worst case scenario, even touching palistrom wood might be enough to badly trigger him. I cover this particular point a bit more in my other meta, Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1).

We would also be discussing what he's implementing into his routine and what may benefit him. I would be seeing if he is able to laugh about things, be motivated enough to be outdoors and among people, experience pleasure when creating new things, and form closer bonds with parental figures (what I just listed is to do with neurotransmitters in the brain that increase mental health: serotonin, endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin).

If I were his therapist I might suggest that whatever volunteering tasks he does, he carries those out with his friends, and time should be allocated to managing and taking care of a specific demographic: children. Because I think it'd be a safe, low stakes form of unfamiliarity for him to have enough emotional distance from his traumatic memories. Early months of acute grief usually require such emotional distance.

Having a good dose of an environment like that alongside the other tasks where he's working alongside Darius etc, could help him because kids' emotions are less complex, and their infectious laughter and fun-loving nature may play a role in helping him be more open with his own inner child. His therapist would be seeking to draw out that inner child in their sessions, and that little child would need to feel safe enough to emerge.

Importantly, his future palisman: it would've been interesting if he did what Luz did with Stringbean and allowed the palisman to be whoever they wanted to be...that would've been a nicely organic process. But even if he had a good idea to incorporate a Flapjack-like design but change details like the color, I'm sure he thought it through very well. I'm certain that this was a major topic of discussion at some stage of his therapy. Discussing the guilt he'd feel about replacing Flapjack vs. still taking Flapjack with him in a new way.

Coming from a strengths-based angle: paying attention to which of his individual strengths he is shows and recounts in the session. If he needs reminding, I could give him a simple worksheet listing various positive qualities and ask him to circle/colour in which ones he feels he has, which then prompts further discussion and questions. Lastly, a powerful tool called reframing e.g. if he says he's worried about being a nuisance to his friends, I'll point out how much he cares about their comfort and affirm that place of kindness.

Work on inviting self-compassion into how he sees himself. Is he able to view himself the way he views his friends? If he remembers the encouragement he gave to Luz about "turning on the light", I would ask him what that would look like in his own life, symbolically.

Hunter's own life has been a really really bad dream for a very long time. He himself has to reach for that light switch and choose to heal by embracing Flapjack's ultimate gift to him.

And we can rest assured that Hunter did that.

Because this post-traumatic growth right here?

This looks like multiple breakthroughs have taken place while he's been receiving consistent care from an excellent community. And there's no way it was an easily won victory. It has been very much hard-won, after how dark the story became in Hollow Mind and Thanks to Them, and it looks like whatever breakthroughs he had left him pleasantly surprised.

It doesn't seem like his heart and soul can contain this much joy and hope, without a very painful dismantling to have taken place first, to make room for the most unexpected treasures to fill his life back up.

The joy becomes even greater if you never would've expected it in your wildest dreams.

[thetriboulet]

Woooo so the Magnus Protocol premiered and I have things to say and things to overanalyse!

As we know, 'Chester', 'Neil' and 'Augustus' are, maybe?, Jon, Martin, and Jonah, respectively. Hence this:

And, of course, there's 'J1', 'M1' and 'J2' in the trailer.

However, I've seen confusion over the fact that the third 'Error' is voiced by Tim Fearon, who as far as I'm aware has not previously voiced any characters in the Magnus universe. Even though the name is distorted, I can make out what looks to be an H at the end of the name, so this very well may be Jonah.

My theory is this: 'Augustus' is Jonah (or just his voice). However, since the body of Elias was killed in the Panopticon, Jonah does not use Elias' voice anymore. Jon, Martin, and Jonah are all disembodied, if we are to believe they are somehow inside the computer/other technology (ie Alice/Sam's phone in the pub scene) or in some way somewhere adjacent to the world of Protocol. So it could, in a dream-logicy eldritch sense, follow that Jonah is able to survive in his own creepy old ass man way, and use his original voice. Obviously, I cannot corroborate this claim in any meaningful way. We have not heard Augustus speak yet, but I think it is a possibility nonetheless.

The fact that Augustus supposedly shows up to read cases aloud significantly less than Chester and Neil could also be a clue. Maybe Jonah is weaker than Jon and Martin due to his injuries, and is therefore unable to materialise as often as Jon and Martin. Maybe the voice that speaks the true cases (because, similarly to how true statements were identified using the tape recorder in TMA, I imagine true cases will be singled out using the text to speech system) is relevant to the case itself - ie, Jonah only speaks when a case is heavily linked to the Eye, etc.

Furthermore, there's the question of who is spying on who and when/why. By this I mean that we hear our perspective switch between devices (the phone, the computer, the security camera during Colin and Sam's interaction, etc), and I believe that this happens because one or more of the 'Errors' (as I am going to refer to them henceforth) is travelling between devices to spy on the characters' conversations. What we hear is dictated by what the Errors, characters who have prior knowledge of the Fears, deem important. This is backed up by the episode's closing scene: Colin's paranoid closing lines. It is clear that Colin believes someone is listening to them, and it is implied that he has made a connection between this and the Errors. What intrigues me is the Errors' motivation for doing this at all. If what they deem important is what we hear, and this is the first that we are hearing, then it seems to me that it is Sam's arrival that has given them cause for concern, or (in Jonah's case) hope (if he is plotting to return, or something, I don't put it past the scheming weasel). So, why are they listening? And how can we really tell if what we are hearing is the spying of Jonah, or of Jon and Martin?

Another thing. Jonny makes a point of letting us know that Alice does not think the work they do is of any significance, or is checked by anyone. She constantly mentions it in passing and is very casual in her attitude towards work. We obviously have the foresight to know this isn't true. The reason I point this out is because of what Sam does when filling out his paperwork: he ticks the 'Response' box, to which Alice responds that it doesn't matter. This could be nothing, it probably is nothing, but I feel like the fact that Sam has ticked the onboarding box of a mysterious department of an already mysertious organisation might come up later...

Yes I know I am jumping to a lot of conclusions, especially where the Errors are concerned. Please take every theory you hear, from me or anyone else, with a grain of salt, this is all speculative. From a writer's perspective, I honestly think it's pretty likely that Chester and Neil aren't actually Jon and Martin, and just their voices taken by the Web or something, but shh I can dream.

Edit: oh my god they changed his name to Norris that is even worse. Jonny and Alex were fr like 'neil is too kind, we need the name to be Chester levels of horrific'

[the-whumpening]

Re: Anonymous hate messages

[Image ID: Screenshot of an anonymous message sent to me, @the-whumpening. Several lines have been annotated by me with colored highlights. All text has been transcribed exactly as typed. The message reads:

i would not be protecting a (yellow) pedophile and incest supportor (/end yellow) but for each their own!:)))

(green) we do not claim (/end green) (blue) her. she (/end blue) (green) is not even doing "whump" at this point. (/end green) just plain (yellow) depraved pedoincest fantasy stories (/end yellow) while thinking (blue) she (/end blue) has (purple) one more personality every week. people do not need to see that, (/end purple) it is not okay. none of it is. (orange) maybe all those bans should have been a sign. /End Image ID]

As expected, I received my first ever hate message after talking about the situation with "antis" attacking whump community members. The "proship"/"anti-proship" debate has been around for fucking ages, and I'm personally sick of it, but I thought this would be a good teachable moment for any younger/less-internet-savvy folks here.

This ^ is trolling. Whether they believe everything they said or not, ultimately their goal was to rile up emotions and cause friction. Having been on the internet a good, long time (my main blog is from like 2009, y'all), I have seen my fair share of trolls. I've fallen for a few, too. It's inevitable. But to save your sanity and help you all deal with users like this, I've decided to share this message and break down the clues that told me it's not worth interacting with.

Yellow Highlights: What I've highlighted in yellow are the "scare words," I'll call them. They're flinging the most extreme, most obscene terms they can think of at the situation, even if it doesn't fit, because they're trying to scare me in to either complying or arguing. Nobody looks good if they're "arguing for" incest or pedophilia. They're setting up a no-win situation where my position looks absurd and unsupportable. Edit to add: my position, by the way, is that you can write/make whatever you want as long as you tag it appropriately and post it where it abides by the Terms of Service, which my friend did. I do not support censorship of any kind. I didn't think it needed to be said but I don't "support" real life pedophilia and incest, either. No one does, including my friend who was banned. That's a nonsense claim.

Blue Highlights: I referred to the specific user who got banned by his preferred pronouns in my original post. I exclusively used he/him, multiple times. By using she/her in this message, I know this user isn't arguing in good faith because either A) they didn't read my post clearly and think it's about someone else, or B) they're intentionally misgendering my friend. You cannot argue with someone who isn't approaching in good faith.

Green Highlights: This anon says that "we" don't claim the user I mentioned as a part of the whump community and that "[he's] not even doing "whump" anymore." Here we have a logical fallacy: that user doesn't belong here because they're "not a real whump writer." They've essentially made up a rule to exclude this person, and that justifies (to them) how that person was treated. (Who is "we," by the way? Anon is implying that they are aligned with the majority of the community, thus threatening to place me as an outsider.)

Purple Highlights: Blatantly ableist rhetoric towards someone who presumably has Dissociative Identity Disorder. As above, they're trying to justify why it's okay to bully and harass someone off the platform. "People do not need to see that." Nonsense. We don't exclude anyone from the community on the basis of their disability. Once again, Anon is not engaging in good faith.

Orange Highlight: Finally, their closing line feels like a threat. They claim that this user should have expected to be harassed, even that they deserved it. They imply that being banned/reported automatically implies guilt, regardless of the fact we know tumblr staff is less than charitable regarding bans--especially with queer and disabled users, and double especially anyone who posts any kind of remotely mature content (like your standard whump fare). We all remember waves of transfem users being banned out of the blue this year, as well as anyone sticking up for them. It happens all the time. I also mentioned in my original post that this user had been mass reported multiple times which led to his bans, which I think the gravity of is missed here. He was targeted, multiple times, by a ton of people falsely accusing him of breaking Terms of Service. Mass reports are rarely trustworthy, imho, and especially not if they happen to the same user multiple times. You know what most folks do if they don't like a person's content or behavior? They block them and move on. Maybe a single, accurate report if it seems necessary, but a reasonable person should never sic their followers on other users to mass report or harass. It's bad internet etiquette, and it has been for decades. The golden rule of the internet: if you don't like someone, block them and move on! If it sucks, HIT DA BRICKS!

And that's why I did not respond directly to this anonymous message. Nothing in its content gave me any indication that Anon and I could have a real conversation and gain an understanding of one another. I hope this helps some of you deal with any potential hateful messages you receive. The goal, above all, is to push you to an emotional high and make you have an angry outburst on them. That's what trolls feed off of. And if there's one thing being on the internet for longer than some of you have been alive has taught me: don't feed the trolls. Do not engage. Do not argue. Delete or block, and move on as much as possible. Turning off anonymous asks (or asks in general!) is always okay. Remember: you alone control your internet experience. You curate what you do and don't want to see and what kind of interactions you allow. Blocking is always an option. Turning off replies is always an option. Filtering tags is always okay. Be better than these folks, and remember you are in control of what you see and do--but you cannot control anyone else.

Side note: I did get a very lovely message from someone (who I will not name to prevent harassment) showing me support and being really kind, so that 1000% makes up for shitty messages like this.

[apoloadonisandnarcissus]

“Rings of Power” 2x08 (Season Finale) - Speculation and Clues

As promised, and since I've correctly guessed so many plot twists in 2x07, I’ll try my luck in speculate what will go down in the finale. But I’m putting my clown make-up on this time around, because *that scene* left me baffled and wondering if the show producers will give us anymore of that random shock value bullsh*t "Game of Thrones" style.

What's confirmed for Episode 8/Season 2 Finale?

Númenor plot: The Faithful (to the Valar) are declared traitors; and Isildur kisses Estrid and asks her to go with him to Númenor 

The Dwarves of Khazad-dûm dig out the Balrog 

The Stranger meets the Dark Wizard of Rh��n 

Battle of Eregion

Sauron vs. Galadriel 

Númenor Plot

To me, this will be one of those “Season 3 prep-up" plots of the finale. Mostly because, in Season 3, Sauron will, likely, dwell in the kingdoms of Men to find the Nine ring-bearers for his masterplan.  

"The Stranger" Identity

In Season 2 finale we’ll get the reveal of “The Stranger” identity mystery box, when he’ll find his wizard staff and earn his name. Gandalf. Because, lets’ face it, everyone saw that coming from a mile away, and ever since Season 1 there have been clues that “The Stranger = Gandalf”.  

And as I’ve said before, I’m kind of disappointed, because I was hoping for him to turn out to be one of the Blue Wizards.  

Unsure if the “Dark Wizard" identity will be revealed. But since the clownery is lose, I’ll go ahead and say the Dark Wizard of Rhûn can turned out to be Saruman, after all, even if it doesn’t make any sense, and Saruman was a member of the White Council and only joined Sauron after "The Hobbit" timeline, because why not? Apparently, everything is possible and Elves just casually kiss each other on lips, now. 

Battle of Eregion: Celebrimbor’s Death 

Celebrimbor won't come out alive from Season 2. Sadly. The big question here is: will Sauron kill Celebrimbor, himself? I've already discussed this in my "Season 2 red herrings" post, but I'm inclined to believe that "Sauron killing Celebrimbor" might be a red herring in itself. Mostly because, and even though Sauron did tortured Celebrimbor, he still has respect and admiration for him, as a fellow craftsman. And besides, Sauron hates frivolous friction and wastefulness; he’s Lawful Evil, every action of his has a purpose. I can be completely wrong here, but this is my bet.  

In the books, it is said that Celebrimbor is killed by Sauron and the Orcs turn him into a banner. But the catch is: the Orcs aren’t led by Sauron in the show, so it is possible that it’s Adar (and not Sauron) who kills Celebrimbor?  

I think we have two possible scenarios here: 

Sauron kills Celebrimbor after him disclosing the location of the Nine rings of power, and he goes after Galadriel OR because he refuses to reveal where the Nine are;

Adar kills Celebrimbor in Elrond’s presence: making come full circle Elrond’s father prophecy that, one day, Celebrimbor’s life would be on his hands, which was mentioned in both Season 1 and 2x04. 

Battle of Eregion: “Durin will come”. Or won’t he? 

I already speculated that the Dwarves would only join the Battle of Eregion in 2x08, and with the showrunners “deus ex machina” them, and have them arriving when everything seems to be lost and that all Elves are going to die (pretty much like the Knights of Rohan in Battle of Helm's Deep in “The Two Towers”).

However. There have been some references to Peter Jackson’s LOTR trilogy in “Rings of Power”, and we have Elrond telling Aragorn something along the lines of Dwarves caring only about themselves and blind to the troubles of others (even though this Elrond’s opinion has no base in what Tolkien wrote). So, will Durin, actually, come? 

My guess is: yes. Because we know neither Elrond nor Gil-galad will die, but Eregion will fall, all the same.  

Balrog of Moria - "Durin's Bane"

By bet is: Durin III, guided by his ring of power (controlled by Sauron), will dig out the Balrog himself. And like in the books, the Balrog will kill him, and earn the nickname “Durin’s bane”.

And that’s pretty much it for the Balrog plotline: the Balrog just wants to chill on the mines and be left alone.

Sauron/Galadriel - "Last Temptation"

I've already speculated about this scene quite a bit: I did a megathread on it, after all: Part 1; Part 2 (after 2x07, many of it has been erased); and some wild crack theories Part 3 and Plot Twist Kiss - I'll just throw this last one in for fun and laughs, or if someone wants prompts for fanfiction).

I’ll start by saying, Sauron and Galadriel scenes at the finale will either be: (1) a major anticlimactic letdown, or (2) mind-blowing revelations. I don’t think there will be a middle ground, here. And I would advise every shipper to go into the finale with no expectations whatsoever, in order not to get disappointed. 

What's confirmed for this scene?

Galadriel and Sauron will fight; 

Sauron wants the Nine rings of power, and Celebrimbor gave them to Galadriel in 2x07, so he’ll want to retrieve them from her.

There'll, probably, be visions, too, since 2x04 already teased the "return of King Halbrand", and Charlie Vickers said that Sauron still believes he can get Galadriel to join him.

I’ve already presented all the foreshadowing from 2x01-2x06 leading up to this scene on my megathread, so I’ll talk about 2x07, alone. So, we had: (1) the shock value E+G kiss, (2) Galadriel witnessing Adar performing a funeral ritual to the Orcs and (3) her emotional exchange with Celebrimbor, where she admits that she did want to accept Sauron’s proposal in 1x08, and she desired what he offered her (to be his queen). Then Celebrimbor tells her: "It's not strength that overcomes darkness but light. For in its presence, all darkness must flee.” 

This can foreshadow three outcomes (aside from her “Lady of the Light” character arc): 

Galadriel has found resolve, and will outright resist Sauron;

Season 1 finale rehash: Galadriel temporally succumbs, but snaps out of it;

Galadriel might believe she can actually redeem or keep Sauron “in check” with her Light, and goes with him (this one is just wild to me, but it’s one of the interpretations I took from her scene with Brimby). 

Personally, I’m guessing the “last temptation” can go down: 

The anticlimactic let-down: they fight; Sauron bombards Galadriel with visions, retrieves the Nine when she’s either distracted by his illusions or by force, Galadriel resists him, and he probably leaves her for dead or something. There: all the foreshadowing throughout the season turns out to be red herrings, and the OST title ("last temptation") isn't a red herring, at all;

The “Major revelations” scenario: Sauron and Galadriel disclose the extent of their true feelings for each other (explicitly stated or highly implied), with Sauron revealing that the connection they shared when Galadriel believed him to be “just Halbrand” wasn’t a deception on his part (“Halbrand is Sauron” also appears to be a theme this season).

Most likely scenarios on how this scene might end:

Sauron takes the Nine and leaves Galadriel for dead or badly injured; 

Sauron walks away with the Nine, leaving Galadriel unarmed and saved; 

Galadriel’s sacrifice: Galadriel reluctantly joins Sauron, to “keep him in check” and save Middle-earth.

Honestly, my expectations are so low at the moment, I’m not even going to place any bets here.

Will Adar survive Season 2?

I already did a speculation post on Adar’s fate, where I theorize that Adar will die at Sauron’s hands but not before witnessing him becoming Lord of Mordor. Right now, and after that WTF moment in 2x07, I’m not sure of anything. 

If Adar and Sauron run into each other in 2x08, I believe Adar is toasted and won’t make it to Season 3, that’s my guess. 

[pass1onepr1ncess]

I need everyone to look me in the eye and explain to me with no bullshit why they think that Diavolo x Doppio is proship. Abusive and/or toxic? Potentially- still not proship. And I swear to God if your only reasoning for this is that they're alters in the same body and/or in the same system I need you to sit down right in front of me, better yet lay down and listen to me very carefully.

Being in the same body/system does not equate to being related in any way. I've seen people say that "Doppio and Diavolo are brothers!" No they're not. They're two alters in a system. Similarly, I've seen other people say that - and this is even stranger because where they got this from I have no clue- Diavolo is also Doppio's dad like he's Trish's. No, he's not. They're alters in a system. Even if we go based on canon and throw fanon and headcannons out the window, their relationship outside of being the Boss and his right-hand man is never specified. Literally all we have to go on is that Doppio is comforted by Diavolo's presence and that Diavolo refers to him almost exclusively with words of endearment. This could be platonic, sure. Familial? Possible, but highly unlikely.

I'm not saying that alters in a system can't be related. The alters that our brains cook up can be anything, and familial relationships between alters is a thing. But specifically in the case of Diavolo and Doppio, this is never stated. Therefore, while you are allowed to headcanon them as such, do not force that headcanon onto others when it's not true in the source media.

And if you think that DiaDop is proship because it's an in-system relationship, buddy do I have news for you. Alters have in-system relationships all the time. I, myself, am in an in-system relationship with the Sheila E in our system. Another friend of ours has an in-system relationship in their system. System friends that I knew before that we don't talk to anymore had in-system relationships, and I've seen other systems online talk about their own in-system relationships.

If your only problem with DiaDop is that they're in the same body/system, I can only assume you're a singlet and to that I say:

Fuck off. If you don't know enough about how systems work, you don't get to make that decision. Especially if the decision in question is accusing a harmless ship of being incestuous or pedophilic. Which- by the way- they're both adults! It would be a different story if one of them were underage even in the same system, but they are both grown ass adults! Even with the changes in their body between them fronting, Doppio is described to be a young adult!

And lastly, if your only other reason for accusing DiaDop of being proship is because you don't like it and have some need to justify that dislike? I think you need to do some introspection. I mean this in the best possible way, but if you feel like you have to justify your discomfort for something as small as a pairing of fictional characters, you might want to look in the mirror and ask yourself why that's the case. Especially if you're going to the lengths of accusing that fictional pairing of being proship.

This whole next bit is gonna be my personal thoughts- but might I just add that the whole thing of Doppio's comfort in Diavolo's presence or on "calls" with him and Diavolo calling him "My Sweet Doppio" and other such things really feels to me like implied romance. Especially in the only Jojo part (other than SBR) with canonical queer representation (SquaTizi and Sorlato), it's a bit hard to ignore, in my opinion!

Anyway, I've seen people be weird about DiaDop for a while now and I was just gonna hold my tongue, but the more I thought about why they would think that the more I realized that it's all singlets who just don't understands systems and assume they can talk for all of us. It pissed me off, so here I am.

If there's any reason to call DiaDop proship that I haven't debunked, please enlighten me. But otherwise? Shut up.

[aurorawest]

I finished The Mars House last night and have been trying to gather my thoughts beyond ADJFAWEHDHA; and AHHHHHHHH. Let's see how this works out.

In a lot of ways this is a pretty typical Natasha Pulley book, which makes you love complicated people who have done bad things, possibly for good reasons and possibly not. The love interest is to all appearances a xenophobic nationalist, but you better believe I loved Gale pretty much immediately.

In other ways this book is different from her past work—obviously there's the far future setting, but it's pretty clear that Pulley wanted to Say Something about gender with The Mars House. This book is a response to and shots fired at the terf ideology and it is not at all subtle about it. And of course, it's a Natasha Pulley book, so there's still empathy for the far-future Martian terfs.

So I would definitely call it the most...political? of her books, which for me was not at all a bad thing. It has everything that I love about Pulley novels—her gorgeous use of language, her ability to wring beauty and pathos out of the small and ordinary, the gay pining, the morally dubious main characters. I've seen reviews say both that the science is ridiculous and that the book is hard science fiction, and I would come down on the side of the science probably being a bit ridiculous, since it's definitely not hard science fiction (lol at the reviewers who are throwing that term around and not knowing what it means). I actually have no idea if the science is plausible or not and I honestly don't care, because that's really not the point of the book.

Anyway, now I'm just going to list things. Doing a read more for spoilers! And I'm not joking, I'm going to spoil the whole book under here so really, if you haven't read it and you care about that, don't keep reading.

The worldbuilding was so good. I mean, this is one of Pulley's strengths, but I had wondered how it would stack up in a sci fi novel versus her historical fiction. As usual, everything was so visceral and textured. Tharsis and Songshu feel like real places I could visit.

THE MAMMOTHS OMG OMG. When they decided to ask the mammoths for help pulling up the gravity train, I almost jumped up from the couch yelling (I would have, but I couldn't disturb my cat who was on my legs). The entire idea of communicating with mammoths and studying mammoth society almost made me cry. Having spent even a tiny amount of time around elephants in the wild, all of that rang 100% plausible. And true in my heart.

I need a sequel where River and January go to Alpha Centauri to talk to the aliens that the Penglai mission is going to find there.

I'M ABOUT TO SPOIL THE ENTIRE BOOK SO DON'T READ ANYMORE IF YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

Speaking of River, yeah I guessed that "Aubrey" was actually River. The clues were well done and I felt smug when I was right.

But!! I actually thought River knew more than they did! A literal chill went up my back when River revealed they had NO IDEA AUBREY WAS LITERALLY IN THEIR ROOM WITH THEM.

The scene in River's bathtub had me screaming crying throwing up.

Is Natasha Pulley working through something re: waifish orphans? I knew Yuan was going to end up being adopted into House Song within pages of their (his?) introduction.

I love that we never find out if River is biologically male or female. I love that January says it doesn't matter and he means that and never tells us.

Speaking of gender abolition, can I have that please for myself.

All of the animals were, as always, a delight. Shoutout to the puffin at the beginning who we never see again, as well as Shuppiluliuma in her basket.

The ancient Mediterranean references littered through this book (see above) were also a delight.

When you think about it, both of Aubrey's consorts fell for River, and that's funny.

The flashes of love between River and Aubrey were devastating.

The haptic implants are a dystopian nightmare and absolutely a realistic prediction of where we're going to end up.

Mori and Daughter!!

[koalaphoenix]

I was going through my art folder on my phone and realized how far I've come with how I draw Shay (and her different forms).

Way back in 2021 I drew her for the first time. She effectively came from a dream I had, where I lived her life in one night. But the struggle was I never actually really saw what Shay/I looked like in the dream. I knew what I was, who I was, but not what I looked like, beyond my hands. One of the most spectacular dreams I've ever had, by the way.

So early on when I was streaming, I decided to take a crack at drawing the dragon woman I'd been in the dream. I couldn't even really remember my/her name, although with help from my friends it came to me.

The first sketch was... Rough, at best. I had no clue how to draw an anthro creature, which Shay effectively was. I used multiple references to even sorta rough out what I wanted, and the result was not spectacular. But it was a start.

Then I was memeing with my friends about our D&D characters. I fully intended to RP as Shay when we began a campaign. It led to the version above - the first proper drawing where I was mostly happy with her overall design.

Late 2021 and I tried to push myself a little further, although I still didn't know what I was doing.

Art block hit me like a truck for a few months. When I finally managed to get drawing again, the results were initially really, really bad. But it wasn't too long and I drew what would end up being a far more finalized version of her design, the template for many future works. She was a more agile figure than her design sketch. I adjusted her horns to make more sense anatomically, and to fit better with her hair.

And also I drew abs on her.

Then there were several more drawings. I touched on alternate versions, put her in some fun situations as self indulgence, tried to experiment with difficult poses. There was a lot of struggle, as I still couldn't quite get her head shape consistent.

Then I found some new resources, and on a whim I drew what's becoming my favorite alternate version of her: Shayaa.

(Flat color iteration shown)

Shayaa was born out of two thoughts. I wanted a version of Shay that was a little thicc, and I wanted a version where she hadn't been abandoned. This ended up with her in armor, and was a leap forward in terms of quality and some design cues. The softer snout, more defined mouth, and thicker horns ended up really helping me draw her more consistently.

I was worried that it was one of those cases where I went beyond my actual ability and wouldn't be able to replicate it, but I was mostly wrong.

I decided I wanted to adjust "prime" Shay's design a bit, to improve her visibly aging and to widen the gap between her and Shayaa to emphasize their differences. I thinned her up a bit, made her muscles more lean, and rounded her features to make her appear more youthful - she's in her early 20s at the start of Godbreaker, but I saw her design as more in her late 20s or early 30s. She was always intended to be more lean than I'd drawn her, but skill issue. I also kinda hated parts of her default outfit, they seemed off and weren't the easiest to draw.

And now? I'm pretty satisfied with her design. She looks younger and more lean, and ideally a little less "civilized." Her hair got spikier to make it easier for me to draw - I suck at floofy hair. She's still pretty big, at 6'7" tall, but she doesn't look like a brick house anymore (nothing wrong with that, I love brick houses, she was just not intended to be that).

But yeah. Going through the old art, a lot of which I can't add to this post, it really hit home to me how much in such a relatively short time she's changed since the first real sketch, how much I've changed...

...And how much has stayed the same.

Aaaand to not end on any sort of deep moment, holy shit her old feet were HUGE.

[veryloovy]

The "Uzi is Cyn/the unknown mansion drone" Theory Masterpost because I have been driven insane by stuff I've noticed.

Choosing to believe I was right in my post-episode 2 theories in that the unknown drone in the mansion and Uzi were connected, but specifically because of these screencaps.

N, J, and V had white eyes in the flashback (if you level adjust the colors), unknown drone girl clearly has yellow eyes. Uzi's color briefly turns yellow in the pilot when Absolute Solver becomes enabled on her. Unknown girl's introduction glitches her eyes a few times in a purple tint.

So now I'm returning to this observation after episode 4 where this goldmine was dropped:

This goldmine, whatever it means.

This goes in one of two ways. One, Cyn is a disembodied AI/horror that can possess drones with Absolute Solver enabled. Cyn possessed the body of the drone from the mansion before. Or...

Or: It's MUCH more fun to consider that Cyn is the drone from the mansion... and is Uzi's previous identity. Or at least is part of Uzi's psyche somehow. Before I get into this idea, let me talk about N's reboot message from the pilot. It's "STRING "ABSOLUTE SOLVER" BLOCKED BY ADMINISTRATION "CYN"" and I wanna point out that it doesn't actually refer to Cyn as an administrator. It's "Administration" and Cyn is placed into quotes, perhaps as a codeword? We know now from episode 4 the mansion drone did something terrible using Absolute Solver, so her name may have become the name of a failsafe placed on N, J, and V.

So, where is evidence for Uzi and Cyn being the same drone? I wanna point out something from the season 1 teaser:

Wow, that looks a lot like the mansion from N's flashbacks!

Same record player, wall lights, maybe same window even? It's very similar. So why's Uzi in this place she's supposedly never been in? Perhaps "Uzi" never lived there, but her life as Cyn did. If this theory is right, then the killed drones on the floor below her may represent J and V, whom she saw as competition to N's attention.

And also consider this:

Uzi sees this figure while investigating the campgrounds. This figure looks a lot like Tessa. That, or it's Cyn (with black hair for some reason?). They both wear bows so that's no help lol. It'd be very strange for her to see either of these characters in this sort of hallocination way because she should have never seen either of them before. Perhaps it's old memories resurfacing? There's also a hand she sees peeking from the side, which is exactly what Cyn does when she first introduces herself to N, V, and J.

On a weird note, it'd been pointed out to me that if you brush Cyn's hair down and cut her longer locks shorter, it would pretty closely resemble Uzi's hair style. I only find that interesting because Cyn's bangs are so weird there's gotta be some reason for them looking that way. Idk take a look.

Also while I'm at it, potential other clue to this theory or something AS-specific. When Uzi turns the arrow to flesh, her AS ability turns yellow. It turns red when it actually overheats later in the cabin (one wonders how this works on Doll). Every time we've seen AS and flesh it's yellow? Note Cyn showing off the tasty human hand in her mouth while her naturally yellow AS is activated. Uzi turns yellow when she decides to kill humans and later again when she turns the arrow to flesh. It was at the arrow scene where V became convinced that Uzi was Cyn. Yeah, this is all mighty suspcious lol.

Let's get into some weird stuff. Solver Drones have this zombie theme going on and Uzi does Fatal Error during this episode, so she's technically dead. Whether or not she's only dead now or has been for a while is debatable. See my last theory post on if she's even a Worker (anymore?) for additional doubt into our understanding of Uzi because we have never seen her Worker symbol at all for some bizarre reason.

On a related note, Eldritch J telling Uzi that "it hurts our feelings you don't remember us" is curious. It proceeds to show her an image of her and Nori. Nori's the key to whatever this is, this theory or not. Considering the "Uzi is dead" flags, perhaps the original Uzi died and whatever happened at Cabin Fever Labs led to Cyn becoming Uzi, who is only now beginning to remember this other past she had. The old Uzi being "reborn", so to speak, would provide an actual explanation for Khan thinking she had a totally different personality during the talk with the teacher and her classmates forgetting who she is. Might be a reach, but hey that's how it be when you talk about Liam's stuff.

Also wanna point out that Eldritch J's VA has been liking tweets about Cyn/mansion drone, most of which are theories like this where Cyn is the mansion drone. I can see that as only a confirm on her being Cyn's VA, but maybe a point for this theory.

Alternatively, this was all a huge red herring and Cyn is something entirely different. I am merely trying to read into this specific theory and see what connects.

[artemisandhersilverbow]

If there are no fans of Taylor's lyric vids it's because I'm dead. They add so much richness to already elite lyrics. But I was immediately suspicious during The Manuscript video.

Because my understanding of what a manuscript is, is the following:

I had assumed, like many prior to the album drop, this was meant to make us think of books. These days in publishing a manuscript will be typed, but it's not the book in its final form.

In the Tortured Poet's library popups in a couple cities, there were a lot of books. Blank ones, damaged ones, ones with the names of TTPD song titles, and notably a handwritten "Story of Us." That hand written Story of Us then showed up in the Fortnight MV. Interesting...

Of course, any long time fan knows the role Taylor's diaries play in her music making as well. Her music has always sounded confessional and it's been one component of her musical super power. During Lover promo, excerpts from her diaries were sold alongside the album. She's underscored their importance many times.

So imagine my surprise when The Manuscript video... doesn't show a manuscript...

That is a screenplay.

And I click back to the first seconds of the video... looking at those underlined letters and asked myself... is it The Man U Script? *if i was a maaaAAn*

The way she has these lyrics written out in screenplay form... we're watching a scene narrating the "She" character reading something unpublished, perhaps handwritten, perhaps a diary, maybe lyrics. I assume the "HE" which is in voiceover is what she's reading and her lines are spoken.

Anyway, I wont break down the full scene because I haven't watched it in this new light yet. But this tension between the song name at first glance - something unpublished or handwritten. Messy, unfinished, not meant for the public, perhaps even at its most authentic... vs. characters in roles. Men that are scripted... well that's adding a whole knew dimension to it.

I really appreciate how before I watched this, the song feels like it's told in vignettes and time moves dramatically. But I didn't appreciate the play on POV initially (and there's a ton of it in this - very good - album)

Also noteworthy that, yes, there seems to be reference to the ATW short film, which makes even more sense to me now.

But anyway, the narrative about this album has once again become about the men. Which isn't new, but always disappointing. Genuinely, I got something really different out of this album by not focusing on solving those romance riddles with my own confirmation bias. The other story, the one about a singular artist, percolating beneath the surface is far more interesting to me.

It wouldn't be the first time she's called out the people who consume her work in this album and, frankly, it's one of my favorite things about it. It's cutting and it's earned. It's also heartbreaking. But for a song that confused me, is the bonus on all the regular editions of TTPD, I think it would be a lot more satisfying if this is the message she's leaving us with. That once I publish my work, my stories, in it's final constructed/edited form, I've moved from the place I was when I experienced them. And then when its published the truths you seek to dig out from my words don't belong to me - it belongs to you. Just a thought.

Edit:

I think there are a lot of ways to read this. In conversation with the fans/outsiders is the main one, which I touch on before.

But for a more literal reading using some clues from the video, I know how Taylor can’t resist utilizing a number when it’s available for a little clue. Now I think reading each page number by era… is actually a fun (still devastating) way to do that. As you’ll imagine 3 and 4 are where those lines show up.

But we end on 7 where she’s accepting she doesn’t own those albums anymore, but all that she’s left with is the manuscript - which I would guess is her music (published and unpublished) and diaries.

Lover era + promo diary era was her first entirely owned era, but as the song says “looking back” or re-recording/vault tracks/doing it on your terms is the only way to move forward.

Also how about the hard to catch glitch over the words “the actors”?

[azure-steel]

So I watched AC again for like the billionth time a couple of days ago, and after an in-depth conversation with @ghostofnibelheim/ @roleplay-abiogenesis2 about it I've been thinking about it a whole lot since.

Like, I know the remnants are supposed to represent the difference facets to Sephiroth's personality;

Kadaj: Ruthless, cunning and vindictive. Incredibly intelligent making him the brains of the outfit.

Yazoo: quiet yet charming. Very attractive, Cool calm and eerily collected.

Loz: strong, tunnel visioned, immature, overly emotional and sensitive due to immaturity.

At least without looking it up that's what I get from their characters. They are all very extreme representations of everything that makes Sephiroth, well... Sephiroth.

But then there's Cloud whom they refer to as their "Big Brother" and "Black Sheep" even though his relationship with Jenova and Sephiroth as a whole is vastly different. Not a remnant as such, but a clone and the first and only largely successful one at that considering that it's stated in lore that Sephiroth's DNA cannot be replicated. But like, Cloud isn't a true clone as such, he's just been brutally tampered with to hold parts of Sephiroth/Jenova inside him which is where Sephiroth's obsession with him comes from.

Reunion is the mass joining of all of Jenova's parts to make the whole and Jen!Sephiroth needs the missing pieces Cloud harbours to make that whole. I mean I'm telling you what we already know, I'm just attempting to make it all make sense again in this rambling theory we have here.

Because the Remnants lack the ability to pinpoint where they need to look for Jenova's head in the movie. They know that's their goal, and they have the knowledge to know where to look for clues, but no direct attraction to the calamity's exact location where as Sephiroth did have this instinct about him, as does Cloud to a lesser degree. He knew what to do, and where to go, Jenova's goal etc. The remnants don't and rely on other sources to tell them their next step.

But it isn't until Kadaj gets a hold of Jenova's remaining cadaver that he's able to summon Sephiroth but... Is that really him? Or is this Jenova shape shifting again and showing Cloud what he fears and hates the most? (A bit like Stephen King's IT where the creature feeds on fear and and morphs into the things that you fear the most) or is Sephiroth and Jenova so interlinked now that there's no discernable difference anymore?

Because I always struggled with this part of the story. Crisis Core showed us that Sephiroth was actually a good man, with good morals. He didn't agree with his orders and actions but felt he had no control over them. Orders were orders and he'd been so heavily indoctrinated by ShinRa from a very young age to just do as he's told when he's told to do it.

It wasn't until Genesis literally sprouted a wing and flew away that he grasped the notion that being a free man was even a possibility and planted that seed. But even then, he just talked about "quitting" and getting away rather than destroying everything. He showed little to no signs of mental instability, only that he was desperately lonely and extremely unhappy in his situation.

Nibelheim happened so very suddenly. One minute he's of sound mind and the next he's utterly insane. The descent into that insanity was so incredibly short (where no one tried to help or even attempt to relate to his better nature of which he DID have one. You did Sephiroth so fucking dirty here, Squeenix...) that I feel we're lead to believe that he just gave up after finding out the truth which gave Jenova that chance, in Sephiroth's moment of weakness, to take over. I'm sorry, but ain't NO WAY this man, so calculated in his assumptions despite how sheltered he is would suddenly just be like I'M CETRA NOW LETS KILL EVERYTHING. It makes absolutely no sense.

But again, come AC we're again being forced fed the notion that Sephiroth is the one in control, that he's so intune with Jenova that he can continue to respawn and cause devestation because the planet can't digest him when he enters the lifestream...

... Apart from the fact that it actually CAN!

See, after the fight in AC, when Kadaj returns and is dying in Clouds arms, Aerith calls to him, and he is accepted into the flow of the lifestream, which tells me that the parts which make up the remnants are actually human, not alien. These extreme facets of Sephiroth are what made him HUMAN and NOT Jenova. That the two are so closely knitted together that the lifetream cannot split them apart on its own hense why Sephiroth is constantly being rejected by the lifestream, not just because he has a strong will to survive and exact Jenova's bidding, but also because his make up is so very complex, thus giving him this pseudo immortality as it were.

I mean, Angeal never came back, maybe that was a simple case of just not wanting to? I don't know at this point.

But my point is that I believe the remnants do not have Sephiroth's reunion instinct because their make up is wholly human, because Sephiroth was actually conceived naturally and birthed to a human mother despite being tampered with in the womb. But he was still a person before the hatred and the crazy and the remnants show us that.

[sophieinwonderland]

Dang did you know the system behind KipAndKandiCore had been traumatized due to people spreading rumors about them in the past? I follow their multiplicity account and it looks like they were badly triggered and ultimately hospitalized due to the false accusations you made about them.

Will you apologize? Looks like they never reported EeveeCraft at all (they said as much on their blog), but you said they did? Also is it true that you block evaded to view their blog?

It’s really scary to see that a blog I follow had the owner of another blog I follow sent to a crisis unit. I really hope the system that runs KipAndKandiCore (and Multiplicity-Positivity) are okay! It’s not good to make assumptions about other people. You never know what they’ve been through and how they’ll handle being lied about!

I wish that systems weren’t so quick to judge other systems. And I especially wish that systems wouldn’t say things about other systems that they aren’t even sure are true. Looks like you really hurt that system with your words… Yipes!

I’d like to know if you plan on apologizing. Because if you’re not, I don’t want to follow you anymore. What you did was really hurtful and I’m so scared that something like that could happen to me too!

I'm sorry that things got to this point. And I sincerely wish them them a speedy and healthy recovery.

I used to enjoy seeing their posts. We weren't friends exactly. Never really interacted outside of public reblogs. But their posts always put a smile on my face.

Then around December they started reblogging posts attacking me. In May, they @'d me, calling me transphobic and bigoted. They've accused me of supporting zoophilia. Actually, in the same exact post where they tagged Eeveecraft while having Eeveecraft blocked and accused Eeveecraft of being racist, they attacked me and Cambrian Crew, calling them a longtime ableist, and repeated the zoophilia line and called me a "proud racist." (I don't think classifying me as a "promoter of transX" is accurate either, just because I've listened to the transX community and am generally neutral on the subject. But I'm also not too offended by that one. 🤷‍♀️)

I would hope someone with trauma relating to people spreading false rumors about them would be more careful doing the same to others.

For the record, I didn't do that.

I said they attacked Eeveecraft, because yes, their post is attacking them. They may not see their character assassinations and accusations as personal attacks, but I certainly do. And I think many others reading that post would as well.

I also never said they reported Eeveecraft. Someone asked me if I knew falsely reported them, and I said the following:

Sorry, I have no clue who was responsible for falsely reporting them. 🤷‍♀️ The problem is that it really could have been anyone. When I said “attacking,” I’m referring to the fact that this happened shortly after an argument with Kipandkandi hurling accusations of racism at them. Could they have falsely reported @/eeveecraft? Maybe. Not long ago, they reblogged a post I made that called out SAS’s hypocrisy on posting screenshots of Tumblr posts, and tagged it with “#sophie get banned challenge.” So would they be willing to report someone who said something they didn’t like, even if it didn’t violate any rules? I think so. But just because it’s something they’d be willing to do doesn’t mean it’s something they did.

I then went on to list other possibilities.

My belief is that Eeveecraft wouldn't have been banned were it not for them instigating anti-tulpa rhetoric and tagging Eeveecraft in a post accusing them of being racist that made it easy for potential harassers to reach them, despite knowing Eeveecraft had them blocked.

If you look at Kipandkandi's blog though, you will find months and months of attacks against me. Some made directly by them. Some reblogs of attacks against me. Reblogs of reblog of my own posts. And that's not to mention the callout post on their positivity blog.

I'm not sorry that I mentioned them twice after months of enduring constant damaging personal attacks and character assassinations from them in silence.

I'm sorry things escalated to this point. I'm sorry I ignored a problem and let it fester until now. Maybe addressing things earlier would have been better. Maybe I should have talked to them a long time ago. Maybe I ignored things too long and that's how we got here.

But as for what I posted now...

I would ask anyone out there how they would feel and react to an account that is constantly spreading rumors about them, attacking them, reblogging posting attacking them, calling for them to get banned, etc.

How would that make you feel? How would you respond?

Because personally, I think I've shown a great deal of restraint through this. More than most people would in the same situation.

It hurt, but I bottled everything up and let all of the constant personal attacks slide off for months, only actually acknowledging them when they switched their focus to attacking other members of the tulpamancy community like Eeveecraft and Cambrian.

I never want to hurt anyone. But I'm also not going to remain silent while they hurt the community and people I care about.

If you don't want to follow me because of that, then that's your right.

But I wanted to give you the context and let you make your own decisions.

Having said all of that, I really do wish them the best. I'm angry and frustrated with them. I've been confused why they seemed to develop such a deep, personal hatred of me over the past months. But I don't hate them. I genuinely still care about them and want them to be happy, healthy and safe.

[muthaz-rapapa]

[Theory] Kaito's Desired Endgame

Actually, this is more of breakdown of why I don't think the common (?) theory of him aiming to switch Akiho and Sakura's lives is true.

It just bugged me a lot and I need to sort these thoughts out of system. Because if Kaito does want the girls to switch places, then that would count as malicious intent on his part (cuz doing so would harm Sakura which is like the biggest tabooboo in CCS land). And that doesn't align with what I see in the portrayal of his character so far.

Yea, he may be sneaky but there has been nothing to suggest that Kaito is a cruel or evil person. Far from it.

So I'm going to attempt to prove the "switch lives" theory wrong and come up with a possible new one at what his real goal might be. (others may have thought some of this up already but I've been out of the loop on CC as a whole to mentally recover so...just please give me space, thanks)

Remaining chapters

Let's start with the technical stuff first.

CC will end with vol 14 and right now we are currently at 69 chapters with ch 70 to be released at the end of January (so within a few days).

Usually a volume has 5-6 chapters with each one being about an average of 30 pages long. If so, the story should end with ch 70 or 71, right? Since vol 13 ended with ch 65 so ch 66-69, which are already out, fills up 4 chapters of vol 14 already.

Well, final manga volumes can be thicker than the regular volume by having more pages in the final chapter(s).

This happened with Pandora Hearts (the only other manga I have on hand that I can use as reference for this matter). Its final Japanese volume (24) had 70 more pages than the previous vol 23 and the final chapter alone totaled around 100 pages. See below photo for comparison:

Yea, so at the very least I think we might get 1 or 2 more extended chapters after 70 to wrap everything in the story up properly. 3 chapters maximum if we're really pushing it.

It can't be 5 chapters because then the story would end end at vol 15, not 14.

Right? Right. Ok, next.

EDIT: I stand corrected because ANN announced in an article last year (?) it would end at vol 14 but apparently, there was a mistake and now it'll end at vol 15. So yea, there's 5 more chapters of story after ch 70!

2) The possibility of a "simulation" or a dream-like scenario where the two "Alice"s experience switched lives.

Kind of something similar to the final judgement in the first arc where Sakura faced off against Yue before becoming the master of the former Clow Cards. The part where she went unconscious and saw a world where everybody forgot who they loved most?

Yea, that's exclusive to the anime series. It didn't occur in the original manga where Sakura stayed conscious, fended Yue off and won a lot faster.

If such a thing were to be added to CC's finale, you're going to need at least 3 out of the 6 chapters left for the desired...emotional impact. But even so, when we've spent a whole two volumes in the fantasy world of Clockland already, adding another layer to this "dream" the characters are already in...it's kinda superfluous and tiring, to be honest.

Not to mention, you need pages to wrap up other things as well. Like addressing Sakura's control over her growing powers? How are they gonna close that out? What about the European magicians? Will we know what they'll do once they learned Akiho isn't the artifact anymore? So many things to do before ch 75.

Creating and diving into another reality adds a whole other problem to the pile and frankly, even with the Exchange card, I don't believe there's even enough magic to be able to pull off such feat either.

But more on that later because there's something else that I must address before that.

3) Clues aren't direct and premonitions aren't exact.

There seems to be some collective perception that Momo's hint for Sakura back in ch 50-51 is suggesting Kaito intends to have Sakura replaced with Akiho and that's why nobody recognizes Sakura when she runs around frantically asking everyone what's going on.

Bzzt. Wrong.

The hint was not that she was going to be forced to switch lives (because if that were true, where was Akiho then?) but rather, Sakura was going to be thrown into the world of the story of Alice in Clockland. In other words, Momo's book.

Notice how all the houses and trees and stuff resemble props within a play? And how the school play eventually ended up connecting with the story in the book.

Yea, the hint was telling everyone that the finale will take place in a fictional setting.

As for why none of her family and friends recognized her in Momo's simulation, the opposite actually happened when Sakura became "Alice" after entering the book.

In the hint, Sakura remembers everyone but nobody knows who she is.

In the book, Alice!Sakura doesn't remember who she herself is but all the Clear Cards that took on the image of her loved ones (and therefore, are representing her loved ones) do.

In other words, the hint was meant to throw everyone off of what to expect while still giving us a clue of what will occur in later chapters. (side note: this also sorta brings to mind a line that Alice in the AiW books said: "Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't.")

And the meaning behind the hint became clear quite recently to me too.

Sakura was able to break the spell on her and recall her true identity by remembering the bonds she has with the people important to her. This effectively indicates that the memories we have with others are a large part of what defines who we are.

That if we don't lose sight of our connections with those dear to us, we won't lose sight of ourselves either.

Just like how Akiho recalled much faster about who she herself is by remembering never forgetting her feelings for Kaito.

Next, the premonitions.

Keep in mind that while Sakura's dreams fortell the future, they are also a product of her mind trying to sort things out while she's sleeping.

The things we couldn't readily process while awake (like confusion, shock, etc) would often be set aside in our unconsciousness to be dealt with later. Notably during the time we're not awake.

And I believe that the brain would try process those things to the best of its ability...but it can only do so with the information it already has available on hand. So anything you're not aware of or don't know yet, something else will be used as placeholder instead.

For example, the cloaked figure that Sakura pulled the hood off to reveal (a soulless-eyed) Syaoran underneath. That actually foretold that she will confront the Dreaming Card and an imposter Syaoran (aka Kaito in disguise) in Momo's book.

When she was still dreaming of MCF (sp?), she wasn't aware of Kaito's true identity as a magician yet so she kept seeing Syaoran in the cloak who always wore an expressionless face that she couldn't decipher. Because she didn't know that person was going to be Kaito.

But after she learned Kaito could use magic in ch 54, she no longer saw MCF!Syaoran in her dreams anymore.

Additionally, the Akiho who Sakura saw in her dreams turned out to be different than what's happening now.

In her dreams, Akiho is not conscious and always wearing her ritual dress with a vacant expression on her face. Like an empty doll.

But in the book, Akiho is awake despite the fact that her memory was temporarily subdued and she is wearing a noticeably different outfit. The dress of the Red Queen.

Her expressions are solemn but her eyes are very much alive in contrast to the Akiho in the dreams.

As for the serpentine winged dragon, no one smart should've expected it could represent anyone else other than Kaito.

On the corner of Kaito's robes as well as the back, there is the symbol of the dragon.

But as Sakura didn't suspect Kaito of anything yet at the time when she started having these dreams, her mind used the image of a dragon to clue her in on who she will be confronting later on.

However, it should be noted that none of what Sakura saw in the dreams suggests that she will switch lives with Akiho.

It only foretold that she will meet and confront these figures (the imposter Syaoran/Kaito in disguise, Akiho, the Dreaming Card and the dragon/Kaito as his real self) within the book.

And that future she saw already came to be as of these past two volumes.

4) The creation of the Exchange card

It should be pretty obvious by now that the whole synchro plan was for the sake of creating the circumstances needed to establish the foundations of this card.

Through Akiho and Sakura sharing feelings and bits of memories across their joint dreams, the idea of a "trade" has been incepted into Sakura's mind early on so that she will eventually create a card that can function as a link, a channel, for an exchange to be possible on immediate demand.

Throwing her into the book and making her "Alice" was just the final push to materialize the card into existence. Because the cards are born from Sakura's inner emotions, the events that led up to this point were meant to foster a certain feeling within her for that purpose.

As "Alice", the heroine, she was faced with the dilemma of the Red Queen's loneliness and inability to leave Clockland. That is what developed a wish in her to save the Queen (Akiho).

A desire to help Akiho by saying "I should've taken your place".

With that desire, a new card is born.

My prediction was correct (partially). Kaito was betting on this with the combination of his two plans (the synchro + the story of Clockland). He wanted to utilize the heroine's tendency towards altruism to bring about the card he needed.

As long as Sakura wanted to save Akiho, she would be able to birth the card needed for such a task.

However, none of that necessarily means he intends to use it to switch their lives. The only definitive thing out of this was that he wanted a specific card from Sakura all along...which is also what he's been saying all along, too.

How he intends to use the card may not be what everyone is expecting.

5) Conditions that need to be met + conflicts that may arise in using Exchange.

There are several things we need to ask before we come to any conclusions, chiefly among them the following:

Who can use the Exchange card? (read: is likely to use it in the current scenario)

And do the conditions differ depending on the person using it? Along with what their respective wish is?

First off, let's remember that the four central characters are all within a rather ambiguous space at the moment.

While the Clear Cards are there in the book and were created by Sakura, she was told that not all of them would not outright obey her commands. Or at least, they are following her subconscious will rather than her conscious one.

For example, when Sakura was fighting off the Dreaming card, trying to escape the book with Akiho, only to realize she didn't truly leave the book and what she saw was only a dream. Her attempt to leave was an illusion...a dream that she wished for as clarified by Kaito after it broke.

In other words, it can be interpreted that what Sakura truly wanted deep down was to believe that everything happening around her was not real. That it was a dream.

We should also note that Kaito, as the author/creator of Clockland, has some significant control over this field as well. They are playing on his turf right now so he has a slight advantage over them.

At the very least, the ones that seem to hold the most sway over the turnout of the story are the two most powerful magicians present (Sakura and Kaito) as well as the one whose choice will influence them the most (Akiho).

Moreover, we should also remember that he was able to use Clear Mirror to disguise himself as Syaoran.

As such, who can be called "master" over a Card may have been blurred within the book. It's possible the cards can respond to the will of anyone.

Depending on whose hand they're being held in and perhaps also, provided that the order they give doesn't conflict with Sakura's subconscious desire.

So now it becomes the question of who Exchange will fall into the hands of...

If it goes to Sakura, there are two ways this can play out:

Kaito reveals the truth about him and Akiho along with his wish to Sakura and asks her to use Exchange to fulfill it. If his wish is for her to switch lives with Akiho (and therefore, harmful intent), of course Sakura would refuse and his plan will fail on the spot. So naturally, it can't be that. Frankly, this approach makes no sense and further rules out the switch theory. Kaito cannot afford to fail in his quest to save Akiho so he needs a plan that is as airtight as possible with a higher percentage of succeeding. Relying completely on Sakura's goodwill won't give him that because he knows Sakura isn't a pushover. He knows she wouldn't just say "yes" to anything drastic even if it's to save a friend.

A more likely possibility is that he would offer himself in exchange for Akiho's life. His priority is to save Akiho and the most immediate danger is the book inside her. More than switching lives, he needs that book removed (and there's no guarantee that switching lives will remove the book anyway). He is willing to sacrifice everything he has, including his magic and what's left of his dwindling life, to get it out of her. In which case, Sakura would also refuse because not only would that hurt Akiho if she loses Kaito but it would also be assisted suicide. Which is something she would never consent to (and also extremely inappropriate for a story with a young age demographic). Sakura would never consent to sacrificing someone else no matter what the cause, especially when she still knows nothing about Kaito. And when she does learn the truth about him and his and Akiho's past, it will just make her refuse to let Kaito die even harder.

This part of the theory hasn't taken into consideration of what other cards she might use later (like Rewind) but I think we can say with some certainty that Exchange in Sakura's hands would be a dead end for Kaito so he will probably do his best to not let it go to her.

Now, if Exchange falls to Kaito, then it's a question of what his true intentions are with this card.

Everyone wants to perceive that he wishes to switch the girls' lives.

But I...simply do not believe there's enough time to bring about something that cosmic-sized of a change (along with all the action it entails), prevent it, resolve the issues at hand, have Sakura's party learn everything about Akiho and Kaito's pasts, reconcile...and then dedicate the entire last chapter to SyaoSaku being loveydovey with each other for fanservice. If the last 5 chapters are all 30 pages each.

Also, it seems a little too obvious to be true and there are too many contradictions that can make this go wrong.

For one, if we follow by the rules of magic, magical transactions usually need to be equal in value on both sides to be done successfully. Otherwise it will either not go through...or there will be severe consequences to make the transaction even.

So the definition behind Exchange shouldn't be that different.

Frankly, in the case of Akiho and Sakura's respective lives, they are not in fact equal.

They may share some things in common (being chocomint fans, of the same height, etc) but those are all surface similarities and nothing deep.

Since they've led different lives and had different experiences, they would naturally have different feelings, different hearts and therefore, different values.

What is important to Sakura is not the same for what is important to Akiho. For instance, the people they love most are different and thus, inexchangable.

There are also things that Sakura has that Akiho doesn't (magic, family, happy childhood, etc) and that goes the same the other way around, too. Akiho possesses things that Sakura doesn't have either (passion for books, emotional scars, trauma, and a deeper understanding of darkness due to a sad past).

Adding that up, the exchange would be doomed to fail because Akiho and Sakura are too distinct from each other as individuals to be switched smoothly.

Kaito is a magician so on top of knowing how different Akiho is from Sakura, he must be aware of this rule as well.

Furthermore, if the Exchange card takes into account what the user sees as equal in value for a trade, then he would fail there too.

Because of course he would place more importance on Akiho's life than Sakura's or anyone else's.

The scales would be tipped and maybe the magic might not even start up because the conditions for a fair trade have not been met to initiate it.

There's also the possibility of Kaito exchanging positions with Akiho.

In fact, he and Akiho are on more even standing than Akiho and Sakura are.

They share similar backgrounds (lonely pasts, traumatic and abused childhoods) and both are in danger of "dying" with their time running out (Kaito from using too much rewind, Akiho from the progression of the artifact that will erase her soul).

Since Kaito possesses a lot of innate magic while Akiho has that book filled with magic inside her, he can have Exchange put the book inside him while Akiho receives his magic. Doing so, Akiho's soul is preserved at the cost of his own.

But does he really want that with how much his life has been shaved off already from the multiple rewinds?

Doubt it.

Because besides saving her soul, Kaito wants Akiho to live a long and happy life as well. He didn't do all this work just to extend her life for a few more days or weeks or months. He wants her to have a future.

Moreover, even if it can save her soul, any method that forces magic onto Akiho goes against the biggest principle he's been standing by this entire time: that Akiho doesn't need magic.

That she isn't less valuable because she doesn't have any powers.

Whether it be from Sakura or him, it doesn' t matter. He does not want Akiho to change since she's already fine as she is now. She's fine being a normal person.

Giving her magic goes against the moral of their story and most of all, would validate the cruel criticism Akiho's clan had always thrown at her which is something Kaito would want to avoid at all costs.

So any way that ends with Akiho gaining magic is a no no. Because as long as she has magic, whether as an artifact or a magician, Akiho will always be in danger of being taken back by her clan to serve their own purposes.

They only have any interest in her if she contains power within her. If she doesn't, they will give up trying to reclaim her. That is the best outcome Kaito could hope for. Hence why he wants the book removed because then the magicians will stop chasing after Akiho for good and she can finally live in peace.

One more thing. A switch of lives means uprooting what has established the girls as the people they are now...which is gonna be incredibly hard to do.

Not only does it mess with personal history and relationships and therefore, effectively change who they are, it can screw up world through... some effect.

The girls have already lived 13 years, they made their mark in the records of time. The logic that constitutes them individually are already imprinted on the fabric of reality. This is not easily undone, rearranged and stitched perfectly back together.

And the price to attempt it sounds like it would be too much as well. It's not something Kaito alone can pay for. Not even with his and Sakura's magic combined.

Again, his major goals are 1) to remove the book from Akiho foremost and 2) to ensure that nothing that makes Akiho "Akiho" changes.

That includes the things that are the most precious to her. Her appreciation for books, her cherishment of Momo, the friendships she's made in Tomoeda.

And also, her love for her parents.

She may not have known them but she still treasures the fact that she had parents once, that she is the daughter to someone. The few things she does know about her mother and father, she keeps close to her heart. She wants to hold onto whatever she has of them because she has nothing else of them to keep.

Kaito understands this more than anyone because Akiho told this to him herself.

And the fact that Lilie, Akiho's mother, was also a significant person in his life is more than enough to deter him from ever wanting to sever the connection Akiho has with her parents. Because Lilie is an important part of Akiho, too. If Akiho loses that, she will no longer be the Akiho that she is now.

In short, switching Akiho's life with another's might turn her into a girl who has warm family and friends and a happy, sheltered childhood and all...but that girl wouldn't be the same Akiho in front of him at this moment.

Therefore, I must conclude that exchanging Akiho and Sakura's lives is probably not what he's aiming for. Because that ultimately means changing Akiho from who she is now into someone entirely different.

She would not be Akiho anymore if that happens.

6) Kaito's true wish + the endgame he wants

This is the part where I throw out a new theory.

Even if it's not an exchange of lives or magic, there will still be an exchange of something.

A wish and a price to pay for that wish.

Kaito wants the book that has been carved into Akiho's body to be removed.

The book has been implanted by the powers of many, many magicians from both the Association and Akiho's clan. And over the years, more magic has been added to its pages through all the books Akiho had read.

The amount of magic within her, though not specified, must be enormous. For it to be taken out without harming the vessel (Akiho) would require a very hefty price.

Kaito's life and his magic might not be enough. Hell, even adding Sakura's magic into the equation, overflowing as it is, might not be enough either because she is still only one person against the hundreds of magics and taboos stored in Akiho.

So what can Kaito offer, something that only belongs to him, to make it so the book no longer endangers Akiho? What does he alone possess that can match in equal value for the fulfillment of that wish?

Perhaps his own existence?

As in, erasing it from the world? That's a pretty big offer, isn't it?

Like it was discussed above, any tempering with the events of time is a very difficult thing to accomplish. In the magician society, it is also a widely known taboo. You don't mess with the workings of time and even the altering of one person's life in the flow of it can result in some significant change.

But see, if this is indeed possible...then the task is "easier" to carry out with Kaito precisely because there a very few people who are aware of him. In fact, the less others know about him, the better. It would not create such a big backlash if he were to disappear.

Because he thinks he didn't make enough of an impact on anything that would be hard to forget and also probably believes that everybody wants to forget about him.

He has no blood relatives looking for him so he believes he doesn't have a true home or family to go back or belong to.

The Association only ever saw him as a tool to be used and is out to kill him for taking Akiho (the artifact) away so they definitely won't miss him.

And nobody in Sakura's party really understands what he's after. They only suspect he's scheming something so they think the worst of him because they lack information to consider otherwise. Moreover, Kaito had also went to great lengths to hide his personal information from being discovered. He doesn't want people to know about him because that will make disappearing much more difficult.

Knowing him and his self-loathing, his belief and depression that he'll always be alone, his guilt over that blank book comment that brought this fate upon Akiho (the person he loves most) and how little time he has left to live anyway, Kaito is definitely in the mindset that there would be no problem if he were gone.

For him, it might even be preferable. This way, Akiho can be saved and he (as the "villain" he thinks he is) can exit this story, this world, so that it could have the "happy ending" he envisioned.

Though I suspect he wouldn't request for an ending on such a massive scale either because again, he cannot risk anything that could change Akiho from who she is now.

He'd still want his efforts to remain, to keep everything that built up this story to stay (taking Akiho away from her clan, bringing her to Japan, letting her meet and befriend Sakura, enacting the magic of Momo's book to remove the artifact, etc) so that it preserves Akiho's foundations as her own person.

He would just want to blot himself out. So that only he is forgotten after this is all over.

Akiho can still have Momo, her friends, her memories of her parents, the life she's lived up till now. It's only Kaito who wouldn't be there like he originally was.

There may be blank spots left behind where he used to be but since not many people knew about him, he trusts the world can fill in those blanks on its own. Like history correcting itself by creating little "coincidences" or whatever to explain and make sure things make sense.

For Akiho, he knows he can at least entrust her into Sakura's care after he's gone. That might be another reason why he allowed them to form a close friendship in spite of the dangers it could've posed to Akiho (i.e. the artifact reacting to Sakura's magic and reaching closer to completion, thereby shutting Akiho's consciousness down).

It wasn't just for the sake of the synchro and creating the Exchange card he was waiting for. It was also because he needed a good person to be there for Akiho, someone who is capable of protecting her when he no longer could. And for sure, he has confidence in Sakura because everybody knows Sakura will never abandon a person in need.

As long as the book is removed, the European magicians won't come after Akiho anymore. Sakura and co can take good care of Akiho because they are kind people. They will give her a safe place to stay, away from all the troubles of magic.

Including him, who believes his value lies only in his magic and was the source of this whole mess to begin with because of his affiliation with magic.

To make up for his "sin", for what he accidentally did to Akiho, Kaito is more than willing to step aside and vanish so that he doesn't get in the way of Akiho being happy.

However, he could not be more wrong because he still has absolutely no idea just how much Akiho loves him and therefore, how it's inevitably going to change her, to destroy her, if he erases himself from her life.

She is who she is because of him. If it weren't for Kaito making the choice to take her away from her clan, to save her from the doom of losing her soul, she never would've gotten this far. She never would've survived to become the Akiho she is now. Never to know what love is, to make friends and to realize that she's always had the choice in the matter of her own happiness.

Kaito taught her all that. He gave her that chance when no one else did.

He is the lynchpin of her existence. The reason why he's the most important person in her life.

She was able to become who she was because he was there for her, to support her and encourage her and to protect her and love her as she should've been loved.

Take him away and everything that they both worked so hard for will become undone. It doesn't matter how well taken care of she is by people like Sakura afterwards, they can never fill the hole he'd leave behind.

That void will always hurt her because she knows something, someone, is missing from where they should be.

Only he can fill that spot in her heart. No one else can.

He is the only person for her. He is the only person who knows best how to let Akiho stay Akiho.

And Akiho's greatest task in this story is to make him see that.

To make him realize that there is someone who will be deeply affected if they were to lose him and that's her. The one he cares most about and wants to save the most.

If he doesn't want Akiho to change into something she isn't...

If he doesn't want to see her worst off than she is now, a hollow husk who will grieve the loss of him forever...

If he truly wants her to be happy, then he has to listen to her. He has to believe her when she says "I love you. I will never be the same without you so don't leave me. Stay with me."

With that, I think I can picture the order of what might happen for Akiho and Kaito.

Akiho will be saved first with the removal of the book.

Then Kaito will be saved next through some other miracle means with Sakura's assistance.

But for sure, it is Akiho who will contribute the most to stopping him from dropping off the edge of no return. That loss will be hers to bear if she fails to so the one who has to put in the most effort to save Kaito will also be the person who loves him the most.

And she'll do that all without the need for magic. Just like she's always done to get by.

She just needs to be herself, to just be Akiho.

After all, Akiho is the true main character of "Alice in Clockland" whereas Sakura is the stand-in heroine for the sake of manifesting the magic Kaito needs.

The world of Clockland can bend to her will because she is the Queen.

Likewise, the story of Clockland can end however she wishes it to because she is in fact, the real Alice.

Kaito weaved this tale for her sake, for the real Alice.

Therefore, only she has the power to stop him. Only Akiho, the real Alice, is capable of turning him away from death and giving him reason to want to live.

Kaito wants the best and happiest ending for Akiho? Then don't go. Don't disappear.

He needs to understand the importance of his connection with Akiho. He needs to understand what it is that his most beloved reader truly wants in order to properly give her the most satisfactory "happy ending".

[mymistakewriting]

i personally agree and relate so much with buck’s adhd + anxiety specifically so i was just wondering if you could go more in depth with those headcanons? adhd buck is so important to me and reading about it and talking gives ME dopamine lol. oooh and the volume control like getting called out on it would so trigger his RSD! and everyone LOVES going to trivia with him for sure hahah sorry this kind of turned into my headcanons but yeah what do you think??!

I'll answer that second ask you sent in separately because Oh Boy do I have some Opinions to share on all of it.

I absolutely adore getting to just sit down and scream about characters and their habits and their mental health and how it all ties together. And Buck has given me PLENTY to work with since I started the show. But specifically focusing in on his ADHD & anxiety & RSD?

Not only does he hyperfixate on random stuff that has no use he CANONICALLY does research on natural disasters after he's lived through them - he did so with the tsunami, he did so with the earthquakes. He even canonically references researching volcanos after the wildfire crossover with Lone Star where he made the trip to Austin to help. This man is a walking encyclopedia of information on natural disasters and traumas. But it's very much a coping mechanism. It's a "I survived this and I have no clue how or why, so I have to understand what the odds were and I need to be able to be prepared and help others better if I ever live through another one of these". It's a "if I understand this and why it happens and how best to survive it, then it holds no power over me". It's a "I can't be scared of this so I have to understand it instead." It's the kind of coping mechanism that I've only ever seen in people who have ADHD or autism - statistics over fear, because fear can only cause harm ESPECIALLY as a first responder. Fear can come later, accept he tries not to ever let it because that makes him weak in his eyes.

The anxiety definitely stims from childhood trauma - look at his parents and Maddie and tell me that their behaviors weren't the root cause of so many of Buck's bad habits and I'll call you a liar. His parents are the reason he's so reckless. His parents AND Maddie are the reason Buck 1.0 was clinging so tightly to the label of sex addict because it was hard for him to admit that he didn't feel good enough after being left behind by everyone he'd ever had in his entire life. And don't take this as me talking poorly on Maddie, but she's also the reason why Buck latched on so tightly to Abby. And Ali. And Taylor. And the 118 crew. She left when he was a teenager, left him with parents that they both knew were awful, and he kind of internalized it and now a few years down the line it's crippling anxiety and abandonment issues and he doesn't have an outlet for any of that. And I could go on for hours about how his childhood contributed to him being semi-verbal at best, and about how much of how he defines himself ties into how he was defined as a kid, but that'll have to be a whole other post because there are so many intricacies to it that it deserves it's own thing.

His RSD. Oh I love the portrayal they give for his RSD. Because it's not just canceled plans and being overlooked that send him spiraling like so many people assume when they hear the phrase. It's someone's tone changing or someone pulling away too soon when he gets comfortable showing affection. It's how he held on so tight until he just couldn't anymore when Abby left because she said she'd come back and she's never lied to me before so she'll come back, everyone else is being dramatic. I just have to wait.

It's how well he just gave all of himself to Ali. She helped him find a place to live. Helped him furnish it in a way that is shockingly out of character for Buck - none of those decorations when he was with her felt like him in the slightest.

It was how he tried to twist and change himself and his relationships to make things with with Taylor. He didn't bring Eddie up to her often, didn't bring her up to Eddie unless he could avoid it, didn't talk about work, let her use his place and his information and his everything to do her job even though it got him questioned there at the end by the Department about who her sources were. And it's there in how hesitant he was to end things. How much he looked like he was fighting himself when he did end things.

His volume control is such a small thing that never gets called out in the fandom posts I do see - the 118 is wonderful at it once they know him, they know ways to point it out without sending him into a tailspin. It's always a gentle cup to the shoulder or elbow or a gentle nudge of shoulder to shoulder or a soft redirection that requires a softer voice somewhere else. It's never a "you're being too loud" or an annoyed glance from them.

From people they save, though? Buck stutters a lot more around people they work to save, he's always trying to be conscious of everything because he's gotten those looks or gotten those annoyed comments time and time and time again until it's become one of his biggest insecurities.

He gives every bit of himself to everything he does, and it definitely makes his RSD worse when that just isn't enough.

[rainbowsky]

Hi, I was the one talking about leaving your blog due to ysl incident. I'm not anyone's only fan, why you grouped me together with solos 😂I was talking from a customer's pov. I know solos can be very toxic, but they also have their own right as customers. Also keeping calm is good, but not in all situations. I apologize for my tantrum. I'm just mad from bad shopping experiences 😆Sometimes I think you guys idolize them too much, it's not healthy.

[ysl continues cause limited text] thank you for replying to me! You seem to have a strong mind-very admirable! Really want to chat with you longer but I don't use social media. I'm kinda embarrassed that I posted something like that, if you can delete it then I 'd be grateful! I don't follow any idol anymore, just love the bond between xz&wyb (seem like soulmates to me) I was upset for several days after that post, so again sorry and happy new year!

This is in reference to a previous post.

Hi Anon... 🫤

I'm not deleting my post just because you feel embarrassed. It's an anonymous post. I don't think there's any rationale for asking me to remove it. There's nothing at all connecting it to you except for your own knowledge that you personally wrote it. That is, in fact, the entire point of being anonymous.

And I find your regret ironic considering the core message of my YSL post was that people should try to be a little bit less impulsive, and consider the outcome of their actions before they take them. Perhaps you're starting to realize that now yourself.

As for "being lumped in with solos," I'm not sure where you got the impression I'd placed you in any camp. You were simply referred to as 'a fan', and all of us are fans, BXG, MTJJ and XFX alike. As I've said many, many times, there are toxic fans from every camp. You're not unique in that respect. Although I will admit that you smell a bit fishy to me, for a variety of reasons...

Customer service issues can be frustrating, no doubt about it, but your "customer service issues" should not become GG's personal career issues. It's outrageous, tone-deaf and short-sighted for fans to think that they're helping someone by harming them in this way.

Every fan needs to get with the current program and realize that the situation has dramatically shifted around fan culture in China, and there are serious consequences to stars whose fans behave in disruptive ways.

I got quite a bit of pushback from someone (who I suspect to be you, actually, given their almost identical language usage to you... but I guess it could just be a 'coincidence') claiming that 'I have no clue about the fan culture in China'.

Regardless of who it was, I think the clue deficit lies with them and all the other 'fan culture' fans. They continue to behave in pre-2/27 ways, but we are living in a post-22/7 world. They don't seem to have gotten the memo that the public and official perspectives on fan culture have changed, and the consequences of fan behavior have changed. Fans can't continue behaving the way they used to and think that everything's going to be the same as it used to be.

Yes I know the fan reaction to the YSL situation was pretty typical of fan culture, but you seem to believe that's a good, normal thing when actually it's not. Not anymore. The government no longer looks the other way when these things happen. Stars can and will bear the consequences of those actions. The general public has a diminishing patience for this behavior and culture as well, and most people take a dim view of it all. Particularly during this time of extreme hardship.

Fans need to learn to read the room, and especially, they need to listen to GG and his oft-stated wishes around fan behavior. He has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want fans over-identifying with him, being instigated, causing disruptions, focusing on consumerism, focusing on rankings or trying to 'protect' him.

I find it rather strange that you speak of 'our' (not sure who you're talking about with this grouping - turtles?) 'idolizing them too much' and it being 'unhealthy' when it's actually you who was exhibiting behavior that falls outside of what I'd characterize as 'calm', 'rational' and 'respectful'. I guess your impressions are your own, but perhaps some self-reflection is in order? Just a thought.

A bit of perspective might do you some good, Anon. 'Bad shopping experiences' can't justify disrupting the career of a star you say you care about, nor - frankly - can they justify disrupting my blog.

In any case, I'm grateful your ask came in two messages. It has allowed me to answer your ask while also being able to block you - for your good and for my own. I think we both can find more productive, positive uses for our time.

Happy new year. May yours be one of transformation and peace. 🙏🏻

[mlobsters]

one person's messy relationship to asexuality, relationships, sex and fandom

i saw a post the other day talking about how whenever the topic of asexual folks not having sex comes up, people will chime in that ace people can/do have sex sometimes too and that's okay! and basically how it adds nothing/takes away from the conversation. which, i mean, both things are true.

there's so much deep misunderstanding of what being asexual is and means. take myself, an ace person, i had no clue what being asexual meant until the past handful of years. at my big age of 40+. i'd seen some posts by cody daigle-orians, ace dad advice (tiktok, they have a book out now too and another on the way! i am ace), and things started churning in my mind. i read some simple definitions in a healthline article and it's like a lightbulb went off.

What Does It Mean to be Asexual - Healthline

Libido. Also known as your “sex drive,” libido involves wanting to have sex and experience sexual pleasure and sexual release. For some people, it might feel a little like wanting to scratch an itch.

Sexual desire. This refers to the desire to have sex, whether it’s for pleasure, a personal connection, conception, or something else.

Sexual attraction. This involves finding someone sexually appealing and wanting to have sex with them.

i realized i'd never experienced sexual attraction, and in fact had a complete misunderstanding of what sexual attraction even was. i was conflating my libido and sexual desire with attraction. similar to being agender and having aphantasia, i think it can be difficult to conceptualize something you've never experienced. whenever you hear people talking about things, you're trying to fit it within the framework of what you experience and how you understand the world works, to realize they are experiencing the world in a fundamentally different way you didn't know existed. it might seem absurd but i remember being around women talking about how they were looking forward to a movie because it meant some dude's ass would be out. and inside my head i was just like, really?? ....huh. (i said it was absurd.)

sex has been a large source of conflict and stress in the past 20 years of my life. so i guess this is that story.

i don't know how old i was, but some time in my early teens, i figured out women's bodies were what turned my crank. i had romantic crushes on boys at school, but thinking about girls got me going. but no one specific, never anyone specific. to this day, never anyone specific. this would be an important detail i didn't connect until much later. so i knew i was bi from early on, but it was the 90s and being out just wasn't really happening in school where i lived. i got into a serious, and abusive, relationship with a boy when i was 17 and that lasted 11 years. i was interested in sex, i had a lot of sex with him at the beginning. over time, i didn't want to have sex anymore.

i've always been conflict avoidant, and being with someone who picked a fight with me nearly every day for years made it so much worse. i didn't feel like i could say no. i looked forward to my period because then i had an excuse to not have sex. i briefly was in therapy, never mentioned the abuse or a whole host of other things but i did tell the therapist about not wanting to have sex with my then-spouse. she told me "use it or lose it", that the less sex i had, the less i'd want it. so have more sex and you'll want it again. that poisonous bit of advice stuck with me a long time. i didn't believe it, but i didn't not-believe it either. i didn't stay with that therapist more than the whatever number of allotted weeks insurance would pay for. years later, i asked for a divorce and left that relationship.

i got into other relationships, and sex again was that shortcut to intimacy/attention/affection and it was good. but then at some point, again, i didn't want to have sex. i was married, i had kids. i seriously thought it was part of my responsibilities of being married. like, spousal obligation. i knew when it had been too long and i needed to step up. go search on the internet "don't want to have sex with spouse" and basically the vast majority of advice will say sex is essential to the relationship and sometimes you have to compromise.

but i didn't want to, and i hated having to. why is it that i always have to compromise in a way where i'm losing bodily autonomy? my body is mine except once a week because i have to do this for the better of the relationship? this obviously was a big source of stress for me, and my partner could tell things weren't right. i avoided physical affection because i didn't want it to be confused with interest in sex.

i've spent a long time feeling guilty about not knowing i was ace. that i got into relationships and then flipped the script when i didn't want to have sex anymore. like i'd inadvertently done a bait and switch. i've been trying to pick apart what changed, why it changed, etc for years. ultimately, sex was a shortcut to affection and undivided attention. and if my libido and desire for sex was lining up, it worked. until it didn't. maybe six months before i was really sure, my spouse asked if i was ace. i thought i was somewhere in the spectrum maybe but i didn't know. and then things clicked and i got it. i was honest with the fact that i didn't want to have sex, i hadn't wanted to have sex for years, and as far as i could tell i could be fine with never having sex again. i didn't want to be "fixed", i didn't want therapy, or hormone checks to see if there was something "wrong" with me. i still have a moderate libido, i just don't want sex with someone else. i still struggle with some guilt over that last bit.

there was some inner turmoil over whether it was the years of baggage, of having sex that was vaguely consensual but also clearly unwanted, if that's what "caused" my loss of interest in sex. that the inability to say what i wanted from the abuse trickled down to other relationships. maybe if i'd figured out what was happening in my 20s, i'd be less rigid about no sex when i understood i could say no. i slowly came to accept that it didn't matter. what matters is where i am now.

all that said, let me wrap up a bit with how this all intersects with media and fandom. sex scenes, especially with my faves, in visual media often weirds me out (not always, and it's not terribly clear to me when it does or doesn't, but also not sure it matters.) and there again, there's been a trend of less sex scenes in movies etc, and i don't think that's a good thing either. just because it sometimes makes me very uncomfortable, i don't think they shouldn't exist. i just often don't want to see it. but i can skip it or look the other way or whatever. that is my problem, not everyone else's who does want to see it.

and nowadays the only time i feel much turmoil is within fandom spaces. being horny on main for your faves is normal and expected and i don't begrudge anyone that. especially with how puritanical some fan spaces have become and the nonsensical moralizing over shipping. i'm a wincest shipper, i read plenty of pearl clutching fic on the daily. but there's some internal weirdness for me seeing people being horny on main about their faves. please go ahead, but i don't want to see it. but i absolutely also do not want to unfollow people because of it, but it's also not something i can filter on.

so i try to get a feeling of the type of posts people might be getting up in their horny feelings in the tags and i scroll past without reading. people being horny for their faves and writing some explicit fic about it, sign me up. it's a step removed from anyone i know and i can just sort of, live vicariously through the characters experiencing things i don't experience. but there's something very different in my mind when it's a person talking about it on tumblr or twitter or whatever. it doesn't make sense and i get irritated with myself over it pretty regularly, and it adds to feelings of isolation.

i already have a lot of unpopular opinions about my current fixation, just add this to the pile of things i am alone in feeling. which is terribly dramatic and ridiculous, but it is what it is. and my anxiety+social anxiety+depression make this whole cocktail more potent. i'm always trying to find a way to let these things roll off my back. it's a work in progress.

so i think the point of this all is that it's hard talking about asexuality in general terms because the spectrum of feelings and experiences and relationships to intimacy is vast. and as asexual people, we're often combating some very base level misunderstandings from the public at large - that being ace isn't about not being interested in sex. it may involve that, but it's not what the literal definition is. so this is just one person's very messy relationship to asexuality.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯