#I thought tumblr let you see hi res images

[shaydh]

the feast

[plutoswritingplanet]

It's A Special Death You Saved (Feyd Rautha x Female!Reader) pt. 2

a/n: re-uploaded cause tumblr wouldn't show it in the tags for some reason Cross-Posted on AO3

Warnings: Dub-Con, Arranged Marriage, Reader is an Atriedes, Horny Violence, and some angsty family relations (lmao)

Summary: The courting becomes more and more complicated, as both you and the Na-Baron discover something about each other.

Part.1, Part 3. Part 4.(finale)

- He's a beast.

Lady Jessica stops in her tracks, her hands sliding gently across the fabric of your nightgown. It's your Mother, that puts it out on the table next to your bed. But the person, who turns back towards you with an unreadable expression, is most definitely not her. You're talking to a Bene Gesserit sister now. A freezing chill runs up your spine, and you start picking at the skin around your fingernails, a nervous habit you've picked up a long time ago.

- Have you forgotten all that I have taught you? - she asks, turning to face you fully, in the dimly lit space of your bedroom

Subconsciously you retreat into yourself, body leaning further away from her, as if that distance might save you from whatever unpleasant revelation will most likely fall upon you. Lady Jessica takes a deep breath, her lips pulling back into an easy, soothing smile. In the past, you would look for expressions such as this, fish them out for comfort. Now, as you look upon your Mother's face, it all seems to be a trap made specifically for you.

- Men like him, beastly men, are the weakest ones - she explains, taking slow steps towards your hunched form - They need the power and the blood to feel worthy of existing, which makes them easy to manipulate. Keep them pliant under your hands like fresh dough. 

She sits beside you, your mattress dipping under her weight, and your eyes are immediately drawn to your Mother's elegant hands, folded neatly in her lap. You wish you could put your head there. Have her pull your running thoughts out with gentle caresses. A hairbrush lays abandoned on the vanity in front of you, and silently you contemplate, whether you'll ever have the opportunity to have your hair brushed by her. 

- You must find his weakness, what drives him to do what he does. And then control it.

- I don't want to control my husband - the words spill out of your lips, before you have the chance to stop them - I want to love him, to support him. To give him children he'll love, children I'll love. 

Tears fall in heavy waterfalls down your cheeks. You haven't had the luxury of a good cry since your betrothed had arrived, and it feels divine. Letting your body shake and shiver, wrecked by uninhibited sobs, as your Mother looks down upon you, torn between the two roles she must fulfill. 

The more you've thought about your situation, the more hopeless you felt. The Harkonnens will never let you see your family again, you're sure of it. You'll have to deal with all the horrors of Giedi Prime entirely on your own, with no support from your husband, no friends, no family. And your children, as they are sure to come, will be taken away from you. Thrown into the black and white, until there's no love left in them. 

The Emperror is a cruel man, you think. An execution would've been a kinder end. 

- Why did you have to make me a Daughter? - the way your voice breaks in desperation fills you with shame - Why couldn't you give Father another Son?

You know you've overstepped, as soon as the accusatory tone registers in your brain. It is far too late by then, and the hands, which just moments before you've fantasized about running through your hair, grip you tightly. Your Mother's face, a constant image of beauty, twists into something darker, something you don't recognize, and you gasp, as her dull fingernails dig into the skin of your wrist.

- Your Father has Paul - her voice is barely above a whisper, blue eyes stabbing you with the intensity of her gaze - I gave him a son, because he asked for a son. Because I loved him enough to give him one. And he can have him. He can fill him with lessons of male leadership, of short-sighted plans. You. You are my Daughter. You are mine, and I've trained you well enough to conquer this task.

A hopeless pit settles itself in the void of your stomach.

You've always known your destiny would be to marry well, to further House Atreides' legacy. And yet, somehow, there was a sliver of hope, treacherously worming itself into your brain. Your Father had Paul, the perfect heir. Surely, he could send him off for the greater good and leave you to your own devices. Let you find someone to care for you, someone you'd do anything for. The thought sits in the pit of your stomach, turning your insides in shame. Still, you can't shake the sinking feeling, that if the universe was kind, you would've been born a Son. 

Your Mother, or more likely, the Bene Gesserit, stands up, a cold chill filling the space where her body used to sit. She regards you once, a stern, unwavering gaze.

- Wear black tomorrow.

Perhaps, you'll die in your sleep tonight. Perhaps the universe will bring you this small mercy.

*** Perhaps you did die. 

Through the haze of dreams, you can see him. Bare, as the day he was born, body gleaming white in the darkness of your room.

You can't move, can't see his face, and when he approaches, every single one of your muscles tense. You shift under the covers, cold tendrills of fear engulfing you entirely. He comes closer, moves like a wild cat, stands at the foot of your bed. 

The need to run is overwhelming, but your body refuses to listen, as slowly, torturously slowly, he climbs on top of you, defined muscles moving under his skin in a way that reminds you of some cursed demon, rather than a man. His scent fills your nostrils, a mixture of something heady and metalic, and, like a little child scared of the dark, you try to hide your face under the covers. 

This demon version of your betrothed sits down, sculpted thighs squeezing around your sides, and with rising panic you realize, he's slowly choking the life out of you. A fitting end, a welcomed one. Perhaps it would be better to die right now, before you discover what atrocities he plans to commit on your body and mind, after you're wedded. 

Then, his hand reaches behind his back, full lips pull upwards, exposing blackened out teeth. You barely register the glint of his sword, not until he holds it high up, above his hand. You're not allowed a moment to wallow in your confusion, as your future husband brings the weapon down, sinking it with brutal force into your beating heart.

You awake screaming.

***

In the morning, you pull a black tunic over your head, remnants of your dream clinging to you like an unwanted shadow. 

Every move of the silky fabric against your skin feels like a small defeat, and with your head hung low, you make your way towards the dining hall. Truly, you're not hungry, stomach turning and twisting, a steady presence of nerves keeping your body on edge. Your attendance is required however, such are customs, and it is entirely too eaarly for another lecture about your behaviour. 

As you enter the room, your mask of tired indifference slips just for a second, a mixture of fear and anger flickering in, and out of existence.

 There, opposite of your Father you can see him. Your future husband, the love of your miserable, ending life. Slow horror washes over you, as you suddenly realize that this demonic, otherwordly version of him, which visited you in your nightmares is just how he looks. He greets you with a polite inclination of his smooth head, and you consider not showing any outward sign of repulsion, a small victory on your part. Your Mother doesn't think so, but you dodge her sharp eyes in favor of greeting your brother.

It doesn't go unnoticed, the way Feyd Rautha's eyes drink in greedily the sight of you embracing Paul. His gaze lingers on your smile, and he raises his cup to his lips, scrunching his nose ever so slightly at the unfamiliar drink he's been offered. You want to ask, if they have coffee on Giedi Prime, but the question is forcefully swallowed down. You will not talk to this man. He will never know anything more than contempt from you. Curse your Mother's words, you'll fight this battle every day, on your own, if you have to. 

- My Daughter will show you around the training barracks after breakfast - Duke Leto announces, and you freeze with a cup of coffee half-way to your lips.

- Will I? - you ask, trying to control the edge in your voice. 

- Na-Baron has made inquires about a place to train - your Father explains, giving you a meaningful side eye - You'll accompany him. 

The coffee tastes like rot in your mouth, and you place your cup down with a note of finality. You won't look at him, you don't have to. That knowing smirk could be felt through the very particles flowing in the air, every single one laughing at your predicament. 

Despite your best efforts, the breakfast comes to an end, your family slowly rising to attend to their duties. Your Father, ever the cordial man, bids his farewells to the unwelcomed guest. Your Mother does the same, albeit sounding more honest. Paul lingers as long as Lady Jessica allows him, until he is forced to retreat by a slender hand tugging mercilessly on his elbow. A gesture both of you know intimately from your childhoods. 

Before you know it, you're left alone with the pale imitation of a man. He arises slowly from his seat, smoothly making his way towards you, each of his footsteps echoing in the dining room. 

- Shall we, my Lady? 

Out of the corner of your eye, you can see his offered hand, like a white spider living just outside of your vision. With a shudder, you slip out of your chair, trying very hard not to touch him, and failing immediately, when his broad chest nearly pushes you back into your seat. 

He smells nice, your brain betrays you, the scent bringing back images from your night terror, causing an involuntary shiver to run up your spine. With averted gaze, you turn to leave, ignoring his still extended hand. He follows you like a shadow, catching up to you in no time, as you slide through the corridors of the Palace. It's uncomfortable, to say the least, walking with him behind your back. His eyes bear into you, a prickly feeling at the base of your neck making you roll your shoulders.

It follows you, as he follows, right to the very destination. All in blessed silence, a small miracle to save this already dreadful morning.

The men, launging about at the training barracks freeze in their spots, and your heart nearly jumps out of your chest, when Duncan Idaho catches your eyes. His skin has a beautiful, warm tone, highlighted by the morning sun flowing into the room through the windows. You nod, he nods back, an unspoken understanding blooming between the two of you. There could be no suspicion of any closer bond, lest this engagement would be called off. A result, perhaps favorable to you personally, but your family would never live down the shame. And you would never jeopardize Paul's future, no matter how hollow yours looked.

- You have a warrior's body - your betrothed comments, as he inspects the blades laid out on a small table - Do you train here as well?

Small talk, you could do small talk. With a sigh, you tear your gaze away from Duncan, and turn to the Harkonnen, forcing something resembling a polite smile to bloom onto your features. 

- Yes, I do - you answer curtly, eyes falling onto elegant, white fingers, sliding over a shiny metal blade. 

- It is not a common practice here, is it? - he looks at you, eyes gliding over your stature - Women being trained to fight?

Suddenly very much aware of your body, you cross your arms on your chest, hugging yourself tightly. You don't miss the way his gaze seems to linger on the low neckline of your tunic, and with bitterness on your tongue you wonder, has this man ever felt ashamed. 

- Not common, but it does happen - your voice betrays your emotions, a sharp edge settling over your tone, causing the man to arch an eyebrow.

Finally, he settles onto a chosen blade, bringing it up to the light and with laser focus observing the way particles dance on the steel surface. Then, he looks back at you, catching you in the act of observing the prominent, lean muscles on his neck. You ignore the knowing smirk and will your blushing cheeks to suddenly become devoid of color.

They don't, of course, and you scurry to the side of the table, to fiddle with the rest of the weaponry. Your favorite training blade is there, and instinctually, your hand reaches for it. 

- Train with me.

The request catches you off guard, and you shoot him a questioning look, one he deflects with a nonchalant shrug. 

Your muscles flinch, as you drag your hand back from the blade. 

- It would hardly be appropriate - you counter, fingers fidgeting with the hem of your tunic.

To that, he tilts his head, light eyes studying you for a longer moment, until you truly feel uncomfortable under such scrutiny. 

- And suddenly you're worried about what the court says? - he cuts you off, before you have the chance to ask, just what exactly does he mean by that - Perhaps you're too soft to fight me.

- I know what you're doing - you point an accusatory finger at his chest, and the man smiles, blackened teeth peaking between his full lips.

- And what am I doing? - it's hard to ignore the teasing timbre in his voice, and you swallow thickly.

- You're trying to get under my skin.

Shivering under the expected cruel glint in his eye, as another, most likely filthy innuendo purses his lips, you turn to him fully, a serious expression on your features.

- I've seen you fight, Na-Baron - his jaw tightens at the sound of your voice curling around his title - I know you're a force to be reckoned with, I'm not scared to admit that.

He straightens, regards you with furrowed brows for a longer second, until, yet again you start to fidget under his gaze.

- Perhaps then, you're scared you'll hurt me - the mere idea is so preposterous, your head snaps in his direction - If I had known, you liked me that much...

- That is entirely not true, and you know it - you deflect again, although annoyance begins to paint your voice.

Then, his hand shoots out, gripping your arm and pulling you closer. Air seems to thicken around you, as you look up at him, with surprise quickly morphing into outrage. His breath mingles with yours, and you can't seem to look away from his eyes, pupils nearly drowned in the overwhelming blue of his irises.

- Stop hiding, my viper. Fight me.

The command, spoken in a harsh whisper just shy of your lips, turns your insides into molasses. 

His taller form leans down to tower over yours, an intense expression settling over his sharp features. Close to excitement, much too close to desire, even closer to a murderous curiosity. Your throat feels entirely too dry, and before you can stop yourself, you swallow thickly, tongue darting out to lick your lips. His eyes snap almost immediately downwards, and your heart stops beating. You can't see anymore blue in his irises, only black. Darkness covers his eyes reflecting his thoughts, and you feel like you have to flee right now, before something terrible happens to you. 

So you do just that. Ripping yourself away from his closeness, you return to the table, hand finding your chosen blade without really looking. 

Another flash of black teeth, as the Na-Baron realizes what you're doing, and the both of you enable the shields surrounding your bodies. 

The gathered soldiers watch on, as you march towards the center of the room, determination filling every step to the brim. Duncan gives you a look, which you choose to ignore. You can't think about him now, not when you have your honor to defend against this Harkonnen monster of a man. 

Feyd Rautha rolls his shoulders, discards the thin fabric of his dress shirt, and once again you are stricken with his almost god-like physique. The blade looks like an extension of his hand, as he weighs it and slashes the air in front of him. Then, he fixes you with a challenging expression, as if he expects you to do the same, to try and best him at some shameless display.

You decide to keep your clothes on, blade held high, ready to strike. 

He jumps from one leg to another, and immediately an orchestra of alarm bells rings out in your brain. Should a man really be this excited at the prospect of fighting his future wife? Should you be this excited? Questions without answers, and before any of you make a move, another one absent-midedly floats to the surface. Just how much can you hurt each other, before the wedding is concluded? How much you'll inevitably hurt each other after?

The darkness he has brought on the ship with him must be contagious, because despite your better judgement, you smile. A sharp smirk, that makes your eyes look less like a human and more like a wild animal. And he drinks it all in, as he begins to circle you.

You'd never show him your back, never again. He's a tried and true predator, the only instinct he has, is a killer one. A fact you quickly get aquatinted with, as he unleashes a series of lightning fast strikes your way. 

Immediately you realize, that small show of cruelty he organized at your grandfather's theatre was nothing, compared to what he could truly do. And still, you suspect he's holding back, as you barely dodge a nasty stab, right under your ribs. Another one is blocked against your sheild, and before you have a chance to collect yourself, third one sends you back a couple of steps. 

He doesn't let you get away, with confident steps pushing you further and further out of the center of the training floor.

Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Duncan Idaho stand up from his place. Thinking back to your last training session, you shudder bitterly. "Never fight in anger" is easy to say, when you're not forced to marry, bed and sunsequently give children to the man you're fighting. 

Panting and sweating, you give Feyd Rautha your all, twirling in place, sliding on your feet. A different kind of choreography, which seems to work surprisingly well, with his almost animalistic force. Gurney taught you how to be powerful, how to land strikes which were as effective, as they were cunning. Duncan, on the other hand, taught you how to dance. So that's what you do.

Finally, you manage to grab at his free hand, locking your feet between his and bringing him closer to your blade. It stops just short of his artery, blocked by his dagger, the clash of metal reverberating through the halls. 

The smirk he gives you is beyond nasty, and forcefully, you push away from him, as if the very idea of skin to skin contact repulsed you. And it does, it truly does, especially now that adrenaline mixed with frustration boils in your head. 

- Again - you snarl his way, assuming your fighting stance.

- As my Lady commands - his voice has a natural growl to it, made even more prominent by the exertion of the fight, and he twists his body into a perversion of a curtsy.

This time you're the one to attack first, ignoring your menthor's words and relying on pure rage to guide your steps. A stab to his thigh, which he deflects with seemingly childish ease. Your tunic slips through his fingers, as you slide under his arm. Out of the corner of your eye you can see his blade, when he hides it into his belt. Confusion hits you suddenly. Was he giving up, why was he hiding his weapon? None of the questions get answered, as a foot curls itself around your ankle.

Your balance leaves you with a gasp of surprise, and soon, your back is on the floor, Feyd Rautha following closely behind. Your heated gaze meets his, as one hand wrenches the blade from your grasp and pins both your arms above your head. The other one supports his weight, as he hovers above you, light bleeding behind him in an unfitting image of a halo. 

Your chest heaves, sweat rolling down your collarbones, and the Harkonnen doesn't even try to hide the way his gaze follows a stray drop of salt, as it disappears between your breasts. 

- You fought well - he complements in a hushed tone, and you writhe desperately under his body.

The night terror rears its ugly head again, as you feel his tighs press onto your sides, almost as if he wants to shape your flesh into the imprint of his body.

- I think I prefer you like this - he whispers, face coming closer to the exposed column of your neck - You belong under me. 

That's what does it. Your face twists into an expression of equal parts disgust, and fury. You won't give him this victory, you'd rather die. Legs tangle themselves around his calves, and you use all your strength fueled by the burning need to fucking hurt him. 

The world spins, two bodies rolling on the floor, and suddenly you're on top of him, legs biting into his hip bones. While one hand supports your weight on his naked shoulder, the other finds the dagger hidden in his belt. The surprised gasp, which leaves his lips feels like music to your ears, and you don't even try to fight the awful smirk splitting your mouth.

The shield on his neck glows an angry red, as you press the tip of the blade down, right under his bobbing Adam's apple. He swallows, for just a second letting you see the mask of self confidence slip. He has quite long eyelashes, you notice, as his eyelids flutter, a low hum reverbating through his chest. Eyes that are neither blue nor completely black drink in the sight of you. The halo of your hair, the snarl on your lips, the curve of your waist, where one of his hands settle. 

Missing all of this, too enraptured by your own fury, you push the blade further down until it pricks his alabaster skin. He hisses through his blackened teeth and you want more, you want him to scream. A thin streak of red begins to flow down his neck, and God help you, it looks like art. 

His grip on your waist tightens, all five fingers digging into your flesh through the thin tunic. Feyd Rautha bares his teeth at you in a cruel smile, one that makes you question whether you're the one in control.

And then his hips roll upwards. 

A barely noticable movement, easily mistaken for a spasm of the muscles, but you know better. You can read it all from his expression, his pupils blown wide, the quickened breaths of air slipping past his lips. From the quickly hardening length pressing against your inner thigh. 

Your stomach flutters with a well known feeling, and that terrifies you more than any pain-motivated erection ever could. Because he sees it, he sees the beginning flames of desire taking root in your center, and the realization looks like ecstasy on his face. Humiliation washes through you, fills you completely. There is no awkward blush on your face, no. All you feel is white, freezing terror, as all your defences seem to crumble all at once.

Like a scared animal, you're off of him in a split-second, and he doesn't chase you, as you all but run from the training barracks. Doesn't have to, he already has everything he needs. 

[roturo]

Written All Over Your Face dick grayson x reader

→ summary: “Well, you know what they say, Love and Hate are two sides of a very, very thin line. For what I can see, you have a pent up sexual frustration written all over your face Dick.”

→ warnings: SMUT. p in v, unprotected sex (don't be dumb and wrap it), enemies to lovers, heroe!reader, breeding kink, bulge kink ¿?, not proof-read, possessive behavior, begging...

words: 2k

TUMBLR IS BASED ON A REBLOG SYSTEM. PLEASE REBLOG MY WORK. THANK YOU. ENJOY. SMUT BELOW THE CUT.

Being a heroe wasn't easy. Neither being considered a competition for Nightwing. The Ex-Robin. The Dick Grayson.

Both being ¨super-heroes¨ with no powers brought many controversial articles between you two, not only at the Gotham-Batman times, but also now at the new Titans times.

You never thought seeing him again and his boyish smile and attitude. No wonder why he has many girls falling for him, not only as Nightwing, but also as his real identity. But this rough times between the heroes, made the destiny bringing you together again.

Both of you had mutual friends, and when Dawn invited you to meet the new Titans, and asked you for help to train them, you never thought of seeing him again, neither of both of you training teenage kids how to become high quality-trained super heroes.

¨Sorry.¨ Were the last words you heard from Dawn, when she left you with bird boy at the training room, giving you an apologetic smile.

God bless her natural charm and being the trusting friend she is because you couldn't hit her face right now with the rage you're feeling.

¨Hi!¨ A green-haired boy said to you, he had the same, maybe not as pretty, boyish smile like Grayson. ¨Hello...?¨

¨Gar.¨ He told you, not putting down the smile.

With just a nod and a not so happy smile, your eyes moved into a purple-haired girl, who just smiled at you and said her name. ¨Rachel.¨ She hit the boy next to her with her elbow, murmuring his name.

¨Jason.¨ He said, ¨Is this your girlfriend Dick? Because she's pretty good looking for a guy like you. But yeah, what she's doing here anyways?¨

Oh. Yeah. Bird boy. He's here.

¨Yeah Grayson, what’s going on?¨ Completely ignoring the fact Dick was about to answer Jason’s question with furrowed brows and you obviously knowing why you're here since Dawn explained you. ¨And no, i'm not his girlfriend.¨ You looked at Jason with a smile which changed into a fake smile when your eyes returned to Dick. ¨He wishes.¨ You said, your head turning to the side, obviously trying to make him angry. At which he only scoffed, knowing you well enough to know what you were trying. ¨Yeah number two, maybe we can just pass at me explaining you why you´re here.¨

Number two? He WISHES.

¨I know why am I here. I don´t know if your little brain remembers you made Dawn bring me here to help you train this kids.¨ You got closer to him, not breaking eye contact. ¨And number two? pfft, If you were number one, maybe you wouldn't have been replaced by new Robin here.¨

That got him exactly where you wanted him. He might seem like a strong and rough guy, but behind all that image of big boy, there’s nothing else but trauma.

You couldn’t help but notice how his jaw clenched at the small giggle Jason let when you mentioned Dick being replaced. Side-eyeing him, Jason stopped. Dick sighed trying to calm himself down.

“First. I didn’t know Dawn brought you here, she just told me about bringing the perfect person to help me train them, I was not expecting you.” You could tell he was still angry at the remark, so he wanted to correct you. “Second. I didn’t got replaced. I left Wayne by choice of mine.”

“And third. I’m not longer Robin.”

It got into a really tense vibe between you and Dick trying to kill each-other with just your eyes, everyone in silence, clearly uncomfortable at this new encounter.

“Can both of you stop eye-fucking eachother and can we finally start the training?” Jason said, trying to bring both of you back to earth.

That clearly caught both of your attention to what Jason said, clearly annoyed at the wrong remark of how both of you were looking at each-other. “We’re not “eye-fucking” each-other Jason, stop getting into other’s people conversations.” With that, Dick started grabbing everything for the training of today, moving on. Jason just raised his arms at the air, (like when they’re showing they’re not armed), with a small smirk on his face.

“Well, you know what they say, Love and Hate are two sides of a very, very thin line. For what I can see, you have a pent up sexual frustration written all over your face Dick.”

That brought a hard, and big laugh to your face, how could Jason say that? This kids don’t even respect their “leader” This was going to be a funny training.

After what seemed like 1 hour of training, and getting to know the kids, you could get which were the flaws and weaknesses. Maybe you couldn’t understand quite well Rachel’s powers, but some time will do it.

You asked Gar where you could sleep the night, since it was already getting late and your most likely staying some days here, you'll also need some extra clothes at least for today.

Gar told you to stay in the spare room next's to Dick's, great, what a nice neighbor you have. He also gave you some clothes you could use tonight, tomorrow you could go back to your place and get some clothes, your skincare.... and I guess your super-hero suit.

When going out of the bathroom after a long shower (which you deserved), Dick was standing there, shirtless, all sweaty, and just with some grey sweatpants on... he looks.... nice, yeah. Obviously annoyed but when he saw you, his face turned into... panic?

He doesn't know what's happening to him right now, might be stress he needs to get relieved, yeah, sure, that's the reason he feels his pants getting tighter every-second he keeps looking at you right now.

¨Are you okay bird-boy why´re you just static over here, I know you have problems, but this a new one.¨ You looked up and down at Dick's figure, obviously checking him out, not like he needs to find out, noticing he´s quite handsome, not like you would tell him also, he's hot, and he knows it.

¨That´s... That´s my shirt¨ Was all that Dick could say, well, shit.

You knew the t-shirt had a distinct laundry soap scent which remind you of someone, and maybe a pint of perfume, but who could blame you?! Might be Gar's or Jason's!

¨And those... are my boxers.¨ double shit.

You could see he was obviously blushed and you're sure you are too, but what a coincide. It's like you could hear Rachel, Gar and Jason's laughing at the both of you.

¨Well... do want me to give them back at you?¨ You broke the tense silence, trying to take your, his, shirt-off, completely forgetting you're in front of him, you needed to find a way out of here.

¨No, no, no, stop! Leave it there, then you give it back to me.¨ He assured you, grabbing your hands and pulling them down with your, his? t-shirt. ¨And it looks better on you anyways.¨ That's all he said before speed entering to the bath-room.

¨Hey Dick!, Wait.¨ To say you couldn't feel the wetness of your pussy going out and asking for some relief, would be considered a crime. ¨What do you ne-¨ You cut him off by entering the bath-room closing the door in the process, both of your lips connecting in a perfect symphony like they were made for each-other. He left a sudden whine at the loss of the soft touch of your lips.

¨Oh.¨ Was all he could say, you don't understand what happened to you, it wasn't definitely a normal behavior between you two. ¨Oh my god. I'm so sorry Dick, I don't know what happened to me, i'm-¨ You couldn't finish the last sentence when you felt his lips in yous again. A little hesitant this time, he stops, unsure of his actions, but he lose it all. ¨Do it again.¨

That's all he needed to continue kissing you, hands caressing you neck, positioning them as a chocking posture, later going to trace your jaw as he continues kissing you.

He started giving you kisses trailing down your chin, making you moan at the specific spot that made your legs shake, he started leaving love bites between your chest, later going down on you, pulling your t-shirt upwards, getting between your breasts and marking them as his.

¨Please Dick... Please make me feel good.¨ It´s like something got into him when his hands started roaming your body like crazy, pulling your shirt off, your hand reaching his sweatpants, and later his cock, noticing he has no underwear under neat it. ¨It's like you were ready for this bird-boy, ah!-¨ Even when you try to tease him, he finds a way to tease you back even in a better way, his fingers playing with your nipple had you giddy and trembling. ¨Be a good girl if you want me to fuck you.¨

All you could do is nod and start stroking his hard cock, already leaking pre-cum which made the stroking easier, playing with the head had him as a moaning mess.

“Fuck, wait — shit. Mm— fuck. Wh-where did you learn to do that?” He left a whiny moan at the lose of your touch.

“Well, the noises you make are a pretty good indication of how you like it.” He man-handled you, turning you around, making you see yourself at the mirror.

“…God you sound so fucking cocky right now and it’s turning me on even more.”  He ripped apart the boxers you were wearing. ¨Don't worry, I have plenty more.¨ Fuck him and his fucking pretty smile.

With no more waiting, he positioned himself, and started thrusting into you. He fits just right, and could touch all the places you couldn't reach.

“Let me know if I’m doing anything wrong, okay? I want to make you feel as good as possible.” Even when he's fucking your brains out, he finds a way to be that kind and nice guy he is.

“O-Okay.”  Was all you could tell him, before & after some moans and whines from both of you, one specific thrust had you seeing stars.

His hand lingered down your tummy and he moaned at the bump he could feel, when he was going in and out with his thrusts. ¨Oh baby, I'm going to make you mine, fill you up.¨

He started playing with your clit, it had you crazy all the feelings of his body, his thrusts, him.

¨´You´re so good for me, all for me... 'm gonna' fill you up with my babies, 'm gonna make you a mommy, full of my cum every-day just to make sure.¨

That was all you needed to cum, with just some last thrusts he came inside you too, fulfilling his promise of keeping you full of his cum. He waited for you to calm down, before he inserted two of his fingers, recollecting the cum that was falling out your hole, inserting it inside you again, making you moan at the sudden intrusion.

He got the tub ready, and got you inside it, in front of him while he cleaned your sore body while kissing it.

¨I can't believe it took me all this years to realize how I feel about you.¨ Your heart was anxious at how your confession would be received.

¨Doesn't take an idiot to figure out. You couldn't tell I was and I am in love with you because you were too busy trying to beat all that rivalry. I was in love the moment you kicked my ass for the first time.¨

You chuckled at the confession, and laid your head on his shoulder where you could see his dumb smirk. ¨You have that stupid smirk on your face again, can't you have a serious conversation with me?, can we fight again?¨

He laughed at your comment ¨Not a possible thing for me when you look this cute all marked by me and confessing your feelings for me.¨ The small pecks he started leaving on your neck and back had you giggling.

¨I love you.¨

¨I love you too, bird-boy.¨

[brossession-collection]

Dad's Cam Show (Re-uploaded)

Note: This is a story I wrote in 2020 that was previously deleted by Tumblr. Couldn't find it until I stumbled upon am old hard drive. Hope you enjoy.

--

This social distancing shit is so boring. I get it. It’s needed. But god damn am I running out of things to do. Can’t even meet the guys I’ve been talking to on Grindr. Worse yet is that I’m stuck back at home. I was supposed to graduate college this year! Instead I was slumped over a computer screen in my PJs with my dad making his special pancakes. Ugh. Fuck this shit. I just wish I could go back to a better time.

Whatever. I’m done complaining. Dad’s getting groceries which means I can snoop around his shit. Yeah I’m that bored.

Dad’s a big burly guy. Heading into his mid-forties now and starting to gray up a little, but still keeping his body builder life style. He’s pretty open with me. He told me he used to do cam shows back before livestreams were even a thing. Made sense. Had to show off the bod somehow. Don’t know how mom thought about it but whatever. She’s out of the picture.

His room always had a musky woodsy cologne-y smell. His laundry hamper was even better. I always loved taking his briefs out of there and putting them on myself. I’ve been following his footsteps and bodybuilding myself, but I’m still a ways away before I have an ass and waist as large as his. So his 36in undies droop a bit. I grabbed his black cap too. Man. He loves this thing. Well, plus the 10 others caps he has. He always had it topping his head. Pretty sure he wears it to sleep too. I put it on and flexed like him. I got a bit of a boner but nothing crazy.

His dinosaur of a laptop was open, and logged in. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyways. There were so many folders within folders. So much boring shit… and then I found “cam pics.”

The briefs I was wearing tented and wetted. Fuck I was so scared to open it. But I clicked it and… In there was only one image. I clicked on it to make it bigger and it was my dad. About 13 years ago. He was shirtless, and wearing the same cap that I have on my head right now. My eyes drifted from his hairy arms to his chest to eventually his bearded face. He looked so… tired? There was something about the softness in his expression that really got to me. And then…

“Hey son! I’m home! Could ya help me with the groceries?”

Shit. I got up and scrambled. The briefs were soaked and still being soaked. I had so many windows to close out of. Then I started hearing his footsteps come closer. I panicked and grabbed the top of the laptop to close it, but I couldn’t move. Suddenly, all the windows on the screen started to close. All except for the image of dad I had opened it. It enlarged by itself, and then the laptop started to fucking shake. I tried to get it to stop but it just kept rumbling. Fuck it. I wound up my fist and punched the screen. But there was no impact.

In less than a second my body followed my wrist into the screen. Everything went bright, and I was in a different room. I looked around. It looked like my parents’ room at our old house. The same laptop was in front of me showing the same image as before. Dad’s younger face looking back… And then I saw his eyes move. I froze. I looked at the time. 12:56 turned to 12:57. This wasn’t an image. It was a fucking livestream.

I slowly tilted my head. Dad did the same. I widened my eyes. So did dad. A smile crept over our faces. I just time travelled! And into dad’s body! Fuck there was so much I could do now!

“PING”

A old-school AIM notification popped up on screen. I maneuvered dad’s hand to the mouse and clicked on it. “Hey daddy. You gonna give us a show or what?”

“PING”

“Let’s see those hairy pits man!”

Fuck. I guess dad wasn’t kidding about these cam shows. Shit how do I reply? Do I just say something?

“Uh…” I gulped. Dad’s gruff voice was in my throat. “You guys mean… uh… this?” I lifted and flexed dad’s right arm. Immediately his armpit hair bursted out. Moist and smelly. My nose naturally turned towards the sweaty pit. Holy fuck was it musky. I took a deep whiff and groaned.

“PING. PING. PING. PING.”

“Fuck yeah daddy. Sniff that pit.”

“God damn you’re a big guy. How’s it feel huh?”

It felt amazing being so big. Watching everything I was doing be reflected by my dad on the recording was even better. The cockiness came in.

I wheeled the office chair back and did a double bicep pose. Sweat dripped off his hairy pits. I gave my face a rub and felt his beard scratch against his callused fingers. Then my hands felt the need to go down to his chest. I never felt so much pleasure from nipple rubbing in my life. The pings kept on coming. It was euphoric.

Dad’s cock was tenting the briefs I had put on earlier. I uncaged his 7 incher and let out a whiff of junk musk that filtered into my nose immediately. I started stroking and couldn’t stop. My other hand reached under dad’s taint, through the forest of pubes, and rammed a dildo into my dad’s ass crack.

“PING. PING. PING.”

“Holy fuck this is new! We gonna see a fingering show today!?”

“God damn man you enjoying yourself?”

I was. Everytime Dad’s moans left my throat I felt cock twitch a little bit harder. It just felt so amazing to feel his beefy arms rub against his beefy chest. His toes curling with every electric shock of pleasure moving through his beefy ass and legs.

I shot his load. Let out a gutteral yell. And it didn’t stop coming. My beard was soaked with three shots of cum. Chest was drenched with eight more. At this point, sweat was trickling down my temples. I relished in dad’s orgasm and then relaxed in the chair.

I watched as the notifications went crazy. Dad’s soft eyes housing my consciousness. Ugh. It felt incredible. I glanced over at his hat and felt the need to take it off. I did, and felt a wave of cool relief come off my head. Dad’s hair was cropped short, like a messy crew cut. And it was dripping with sweat. I felt the need to say something.“You like that, men?” Dad had so much suave in voice. The pings accelerated.I smiled and played with my cock. I could feel another round coming but felt a bigger presence unfold. Suddenly dad’s body started to shake. I tried controlling it, but I couldn’t weigh him down. My arms were flailing before my hands grabbed onto the edges of the desk. I whipped my head back, then head-butted the laptop screen. Light filtered through.

I was back at home, in my dad’s loose fitting briefs, his cap nestled on my head. Dad’s footsteps came by, then turned another direction. Guess he wasn’t coming by his room just yet. I looked down at his briefs, now soaked with my cum. Fuck. Was it just a dream?

It must’ve been. Just a fucking horny fever dream. What the fuck ever. Better than what I had been doing up until now. I leaned over to close the laptop but noticed something.

The image had turned into a recording.

[smollsmule]

Loved the Charles having a crisis at the beach post on your dash , but I have to ask …

What do you reckon is the most boomer thing Charles believes in ? 👀👻

(Ok second attempt bc tumblr decided to mess with me last time.)

I'm so happy to hear you liked it!! I don't usually like to post about my writing before I'm in the editing stage at least bc I don't like building expectations like that and making people wait. This time I hadn't even started writing (I was actually writing another, quite different fic that is almost ready to go up now). It was just an idea I had been rotating in my head for some time and I wanted to know if there were people who agreed with me. But everyone has been so lovely and enthusiastic and I can't wait to get it done and share with the class!

Now, for your question. Actually, no, first let me take this opportunity real quick to say:

I know what Gen X is, guys! I know Charles isn't actually a boomer, please stop yelling at me in the notes (please)!!!

Now, I was going to go into this whole spiel about how Charles is actually a really interesting case because he

seems to have had rather forward views when he was alive

unlike many of his peers, died before growing to adulthood in Thatcher Britain beat them out of him and left him a cynical husk of a person

So I actually like to think he is less behind than you'd expect from a guy who didn't live to see the iron curtain fall (see, just for some examples, his helping his classmate and unwavering support of other's queerness (though his reaction to Chad and Hunter in particular warrants a whole essay)).

And then after thinking all these thoughts I realised that pretty much everything we thought to know about dinosaurs in the 80's has since been overhauled. (Jurassic Park hadn't even been released yet!) And then I couldn't get this image out of my head of Charles scream-crying at a museum plaque (ineffectively since a) he is inperceptible, b) it is an inanimate object.)

So yeah, my answer is dinosaurs. I also firmly believe he checked out re the internet the moment they got rid of the dial up modem, if not earlier.

(All that said you should not think about the (lack) of sex ed this boy recieved and was probably never updated on)*

(*that last one might have been inspired by my own writing I'll admit)

But seriously, I am opening up the floor on this one, because now *I* wanna know what everybody thinks abt this. Thanks for the interesting question!!

[heartthrobin]

walk beside me, i feel you slipping away

eddie munson x female!reader

wc: 2.4k

warnings: henderson!reader, established relationship, worried girlfriend mode, secret relationship, idiots in love, smidge of angst

an: is another piece from my ao3 that's been sitting around forever. i re-read it today and thought "tumblr needs to see this"

summary: your stupid boyfriend has gone and gotten himself stuck in another dimension with a menagerie of blood-thirsty killers and no amount of knowledge of his little board game is going to help keep him alive. has it always been this hard to breath?

Late March, you wondered, it should still be cold now shouldn’t it?

The balmy wind closing around the bare strip of skin at your ankles begged otherwise. You toyed with the idea that maybe the Upside Down had an effect on the weather in Hawkins.

"Are you even listening!" Claudia Henderson’s voice cut through your moronic ideas on how other worldly demons affected the climate - it was desperate and thick with worry.

Your eyes snapped from where they'd fixated on a yellow lawn chair two houses over. Her face was shrouded in panic and your heart wrenched at the sight of her, if only she knew how much trouble they were truly in.

"Mom, I'm listening—" Liar. "I told you, they wanted to go take a look but I didn't want them to on their own, so I went with."

The chatter from inside was vibrating against the walls and the lights of the police cruiser still parked in the driveway flashed blue and red against the side of your mom's face.

"You let them go to the sight of a murder!" Claudia ran a shaky hand over her perfectly matted curls. "And— And this Eddie character? The police are saying that Dusty is a member of his satanic cult—"

You couldn't help the roll of your eyes. "Mom, it's not a cult."

The image was sharp in your mind, as if you were still standing at the edge of the water staring down at the dinghy.

Robin and Nancy were carefully squatted down near the front and Steve was steadying the boat from the shore.

Max, Lucas and your brother were lingering behind you, he was still sulking at being told he wouldn’t be joining the venture into the depths of the lake.

"Hey," Eddie's eyes pierced yours from where he was balanced up on the boat, he held a hand out for you to take - to step into the boat. Even in the darkness of the woods you'd felt the warmth of his gaze.

You'd glanced between him and the kids behind you, shaking your head. "I should ... I need to stay with them. Somebody has to."

Eddie had recoiled in surprise before leveling you with a panicked expression, "You don't have to, Steve is gonna stay with—"

You'd given him a wary glance, his response bordering on too suspicious for someone who wasn't supposed to know you that well.

"Eddie, it's fine. You guys go."

The boat had floated just a few feet before you'd called to them.

"Don't do anything stupid!" Your eyes locked with Eddie's who was perched at the back with the engine, "Please."

If Dustin had noticed anything, he hadn't said - and that offered at least small solace.

You and Eddie’s relationship was coming up on six months, yet somehow the pair of you had never really found the perfect moment to break it to your little brother that you were dating the captain of his little club and absolute teen idol. Or maybe you’d just gotten really good at avoiding the conversation.

As fate would have it, the three of you were thrown together to fight yet another monstrosity plaguing Hawkins - and while it was awkward - it didn’t happen to be the most pressing issue at hand.

"They have photos of Dusty wearing that club T-shirt—"

Claudia’s words were cut straight through by the slam of the screen door against the back wall and the parade of teenagers busting through it. Dustin raced towards you, gripping you by the arm and shoving the keys to your run-down station wagon into your palm: "We gotta go!"

It was pure instinct that drove your feet to kick off the ground after the four teenagers sprinting towards the end of the road. You didn't need to look back to know that a similar group of parents had to be trailing.

Your car was parked down the street, the faded red doors opening on every side as the kids clambered in and you threw yourself into the driver's seat simultaneously thrusting the keys into the ignition.

In your side mirror you watched your mother, Lucas and Mike's parents nearing the car. It took an exhausted groan from the engine before the car came alive, roaring down the street.

"Sorry mom!" You and Dustin yelled simultaneously out the window at your forlorn mother.

Only once they'd disappeared into tiny specks in your review could you turn to Dustin and his friends. "Where are we going?"

"Eddie's trailer." Lucas responded from the backseat.

Your stomach twisted and you turned to Dustin in the passenger seat, "Why are we going to Eddie's?"

Dustin gave a heavy sigh, "We think there's another gate there. The others went through Watergate and they're trapped in the Upside Down."

The car spluttered as it stalled loudly, your grip around the wheel loosening and your focus on driving the car deteriorating to almost none.

"W-What?" You were sure your face had turned a ghostly white and your heart had sunk down into the base of your stomach.

"Steve, Nancy, Robin and Eddie. They're down there!" Dustin clarified, watching you, both exasperated and confused at your behavior.

You could feel the stares of the teens heating up the back of your neck.

"A-Are they okay?" You stuttered, trying not to give away the terror gripping your throat.

"They're fine." It was Erica's turn, "Are you okay?"

You nodded wordlessly, turning your attention back to the steering wheel and restarting the car which had stalled all the way to a stop in the middle of the road less than two streets down from the Sinclair residence.

"Turn left here—"

"I know the way." You were so lost in your whirring thoughts that you hadn't bothered to worry about how that sounded.

There was a short confused silence before Dustin burst back into theories about the gates and Vecna's plan which before you might have made the effort to follow, but not right then.

Right then your stupid boyfriend had gone and gotten himself stuck in another dimension with a menagerie of blood-thirsty killers and no amount of knowledge of his little board game is going to help keep him alive.

Your heart thrummed against your chest with such force you were sure the rest of the car could hear it. If they could, they didn't mention it.

Picking up Dustin from his Hellfire Club meetings had been tedious, you generally arrived late when you worked closing shift at the diner: something you always melted with guilt over when you found him sitting on the curb outside the school with a tired look on his face.

Dustin was never alone though. On the curb next to him - leaning on his palms with his hair thrown back like Jon Bon Jovi - was always Eddie Munson.

Looking back, you were sure you'd loved him from the first fucking second he'd met your eyes. When he'd waltzed over to your window, leaning casually on it as Dustin climbed into the passenger seat.

"So this must be the other famous Henderson. Seems all the good looks were used up when it came to your turn, hey dweeb?"

Dustin had turned pink, you remember. "Don't hit on my sister, Eddie."

Parked under the afternoon sun in the school parking lot, it almost felt worlds away now. It wasn't long after that Eddie began to frequent your diner, somehow always managing to come in during your shifts - you only later found out that he'd bribed the busboy ten dollars to tell him what days you worked. Eddie would come in, flirt incessantly and order a chocolate milkshake. He came in every shift for two weeks before eventually asking:

"Do you wanna go out sometime?" You remember that dazzling grin, tilted down on the edges only by nervousness. "I know this really great diner we can go to, and the waitresses are really beautiful."

That was the beginning of the end. Your heart clenched tightly in your chest and another wave of nausea rushed over you when the image of Eddie stuck in the inky darkness of the Upside Down flashed across your mind again.

You thought then about how you never reminded him that you loved him before he climbed on that wretched little boat.

If Eddie died, you were going to kill him.

The trailer came into view of the car's headlights and you pulled to a park in front. None of the kids asked how you knew the way, but the question was plastered all over their faces.

You pretended you didn't notice and moved out the car.

The door was locked, but it only took a hard kick for the locks to buckle and the door to swing noisily open.

Someone gasped behind you, all five pairs of eyes staring up at the throbbing red opening in the middle of the living room ceiling.

"I told you ..." Dustin's voice trailed off in amazement.

Erica huffed loudly before striding into the kitchen where a broom was leaning against the counter. She grabbed it, "We should see whether it actually opens."

Dustin took the broom before lifting it to the hole. He prodded and thick red goo dripped from it onto the floor in front of them. Your face twisted in disgust and you heard Max mutter "ew" beside you.

It didn't take much nudging before the gate was a gaping hole in the ceiling. Everyone stepped beneath it to look up: on the other side you could see Steve, Nancy, Robin and Eddie.

The tightness in your chest eased only marginally and you sighed softly. He was smiling up at you.

"Are you guys okay?" You called and could hear the faint echoes of response.

"Yeah, we're okay!" Robin.

Dustin gathered a rope and you helped move Eddie's mattress just below the portal. Max's nose crinkled in disgust, motioning towards the stains littering the mattress and your cheeks grew hot, plagued by the knowledge of where more than a handful of the aforementioned stains had originated from. You avoided her eyes.

Robin was the first one through, she offered you a lopsided smile. Before she'd even stood straight up, you'd scooped her into your arms. "You guys just live to stress me out, you know that?"

She grinned over your shoulder, "Our life's purpose."

There was another thud of a second body hitting the mattress and warm relief flooded your veins when you turned to find your boyfriend beaming up at you. "That was fun."

He jumped up to his feet in front of you and had barely been offered the chance to straighten out when your hands shoved violently at his chest.

Eddie almost tumbled back down onto the mattress, then only really noticing the infuriated look on your face.

"You stupid—" Each word punctuated by another shove at the Hellfire Club logo splashed across his chest, "—idiot!"

His rings were cool when his hands closed over your wrists, "Princess, listen—"

"Eddie you could have been killed down there, by Vecna or the Mind Flayer or... or..." Your brain struggled for words and you only half registered the sound of your brothers confused question ("princess?") from somewhere behind you.

Suddenly it had grown harder to swallow around the growing lump in your throat, and in all honesty you couldn't tell whether you were more upset that he'd gone or more relieved that he had returned - his warm, apologetic eyes sinking into your own.

"Baby, baby," You'd stopped hitting him, his grasp sliding from your arms to your waist. "I'm fine, okay? We're all fine."

Your hands were shaking from the drawn out stress of the car ride over and the two tears that had been threatening to spill finally chased down your cheeks quietly.

"I'd wipe your tears..." Eddie was speaking quietly now, tucking a neat little cheeky grin into the corner of his mouth: "but my hands are covered in evil bat blood and I couldn't live with myself if I dirtied your pretty face."

You were halfway to scolding his impudence when Dustin beat you to the chase: "Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on!"

Like you'd both licked the end of a live wire, you and Eddie jolted back a foot, hands diving to your respective pockets.

"Isn't it obvious," Erica's voice was nonchalant and matter-of-fact, "they're dating."

Dustin's eyes widened, flickering between you and his beloved captain of the Hellfire Club. "No, they're not."

His voice dripped in uncertainty. You and Eddie didn't look at each other.

Dustin said your name into the awkward silence that had settled over the room, Robin was stifling down a giggle behind Max and Lucas. Thanks Robs.

"Tell Erica she's wrong." He pressed, but only weakly: like the reality had dawned on him. Like the puzzle pieces were sliding slowly into place.

Eddie was first to speak, "Look, buddy, there was never a great time to tell y—"

"Called it!" Erica's voice piped up triumphantly.

"You're dating my sister?" The volume in Dustin's voice had climbed significant decibels, "And you never told me!"

The giggle that escaped you was unintentional and you tried to choke it down under your words, "Dusty—"

"This isn't funny!" With each step you took forward, he took back.

Eventually you managed to manhandle him into a hug, "Dusty, I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

Dustin didn't hug you back, but he didn't fight the arms around him. "I'm never forgiving you for this. Either of you."

You cut him loose and he glared a warm hole into your back as you retreated to the safety of Eddie's arms. Your forehead found solace at the cool leather against his collar bone. "If you ever abandon me to do something stupid like that again I'm breaking up with you."

"Well, I really don’t want that." His ring studded knuckle found your chin and turned your face towards his. Eddie's lips pressed gently against yours, holding it only for a few seconds before pulling back to pull you closer against his chest. "I'm sorry, princess."

Dustin's gagging noises were obnoxiously loud and Max muttered a quiet "ew" at the same time Lucas whispered a soft "aw".

"Oh shut up." You flipped the bird to your brother across the room. "It's not like you've never kissed your girlfriend before."

It suddenly occurred to you that his girlfriend lived halfway across the country, and he very well might have never kissed her.

You shrugged it off.

"Nancy! Nancy!"

All eyes turned up to the gate, beside you Eddie's fingers curled against yours. He squeezed your hand. "Here we go again."

[zuffer-weird-girl]

HI, IM SO SORRY but Tumblr said that my first request had a bad gateway and I'm re-typing it to be sure---

so basically I imagined kai with a s/o who just acts on impulse said impulses being setting things on fire and randomly shooting things, bcz it's their said way of stimulating themselves? so sorry if it doubled but once again, I hope you have a great day drink water, and don't forget to take breaks!!

(Ps, I absolutely ADORE your works scrolling touch each one rn!!)

^w^ you're so sweet I hope you're having a good day

"Huh. Intrusive thoughts that took action... that's interesting."

No jokes, this ass would say that to himself the first time he catches on what your behavior is all about.

And honestly? As long as you don't get hurt by one of your shenanigans he won't care much.

One time you just felt like it what would happen if you yanked Rappa's face mask off and he was laughing at the reaction of the buff.

Of course he was laughing inside because this man has to keep up his image and bla bla bla🙄

But... when it comes to other, let's say, dangerous things....

You make this stoic sociopath have a mini heart attack.

Every. Single. Time.

He won't get used to it.

The first time this happened was when he was reading a book but suddenly he sniffed the smell of something burning....

That's weird... he doesn't remember any subordinates having a fire quirk...

Soon he noticed the room getting a bit... foggy.

"What the-" he soon spotted you with a lighter on a hand while one thing he couldn't notice of was burning as you watched it "(Y/N) PUT THAT DOWN-"

It was a bit dramatic of him to get a fire extinguisher just to put out a small fire? Yeah, but he panicked seeing his loved one near a fire ok?

"What were you thinking?!" He would almost shout while you stood there with a sorry look.

It there was one thing he regretted the most on his life was when he took you with Chrono to let the man teach you how to use a gun.

While in the middle of the explanation both of men FLINCHED when the sudden gunshot echoed and with your wide eyes you just giggled out a "ah so that's how ot works" before proceeding to shut at random places

He just hopes it doesn't bring troubles for the hassaikai later.

He knows that this one of the coping methods you have to stimulate yourself but sometimes he just wishes you could pick something more at ease like... maybe water colors?

He doesn't have any idea how this works... he is more of rational and methods guy than a emotional one... so you already expect that he is basically shit with emotions and other stuff like that.

He tries the best he can to distract you to not happen something that could put you in danger....

But yet recently he had to put out a fire on his living room before examining your whole body for any injuries or burns.

You will probably give this 28 years old guy gray hairs before his 40....

Don't worry, if he keeps treating you and taking you away from that or just plenty distracting you it means this dude is head over heels for ya.

Even if he doesn't loudly admit it.

[kadytimberfox]

Kady's Expanse (Re)Watch Blog

Episode 1.01 - "Dulcinea" (Pilot)

And here we go for my...fourth time I've watched this episode I think? It's a really wonderful pilot that does so much work with introducing you to the world, our cast of characters, and setting up the threads of the main plot and does it all perfectly in a very tight 45 minutes. It reminds me a lot of Deep Space Nine's pilot "The Emissary" which is similarly a masterclass in tight storytelling and how to properly kick off a new series.

And speaking of kicking off a new series, hey! I'm watching this show that I absolutely adore again and I'm going to take the time to spout my thoughts about it on the internet because that seems like a fun idea! I really enjoy thinking about media critically but I've never taken the time to write down my thoughts before. It's a style of writing I've always wanted to try so where better to do that than a Tumblr blog? I'll try to keep these Brief and Not Boring but no guarantees on either. Especially on this one. It's the pilot, after all.

I also want to keep this as light on spoilers as possible; again though, no guarantees. Also if you haven't seen this show yet just go fucking watch it it's so good.

Later in this post is a description of torture that happens in the episode. I marked it with a TW and formatted the text to make it distinct from the rest of the post.

With that out of the way, there's nothing left to do except pick apart this pilot!

---------------------------------------

Summary

We kick off with a bang (and then some more banging) as we see a young woman named "Julie" fight her way out of a locked compartment, explore the darkened hallways of her Completely Fucked Spaceship, and watch her friends get eaten alive by some evil blue space goop. Surely none of that will be important later.

Cut to the adventures of hard-boiled Belter detective Joe Miller and his new Earthling partner Dimitri Havelock. They're private cops for an Earth corporation who theoretically maintain order on Ceres Station in the Asteroid Belt, the biggest shithole this side of pretty much anywhere. They go to a murder scene and do basically nothing, antagonize and then arrest people minding their own business at a bar, and take a bribe to half-ass a health inspection. Y'know, classic cop stuff.

Back at the precinct, Miller gets an off-the-books job from his boss to find one Juliette Andromeda Mao, daughter of megacorp magnate Jules-Pierre Mao and coincidentally the spitting image of "Julie" from our opening scene. Apparently, her pro-Belter activism is starting to piss off dear old dad and they want her to come home before she embarrasses the family any further.

In the middle of his investigation, he finds out that those air filters he "inspected" earlier crapped out and poisoned some children. Instead of taking accountability for not doing his job, he decides to throw the sleazy air filter guy into an airlock and only lets him out after he promises not to fuck it up next time. And also to pay Miller double. I'll let it slide though because Sleazy Air Filter Guy is an asshole.

Back on Earth, United Nations Undersecretary Chrisjen Avasarala shows up for about five minutes in this episode. The only thing she does is torture a guy. End scene.

Meanwhile, the good ship Canterbury is on its way to Ceres with a big haul of space ice that the station needs to turn into water. Second Officer James Holden gets immediately promoted, much to his dismay, because his previous boss Mike Ehrmantraut went insane from being out in space too long.

Mystery strikes when the gang gets a weird distress signal from a ship called the Scopuli. Captain McDowell, probably having watched enough Star Trek episodes to know that this can't be anything good, decides to ignore it. Holden just can't stop himself from doing a good thing, though, and secretly reports the signal, officially making the Canterbury Legally Obligated™ to investigate.

He picks his away team (unknowingly also picking the people he's going to spend the rest of this show with) and takes a shuttle to investigate the drifting Scopuli, where they find everything shut down except for the beacon that brought them here. "Pirate bait", or so it seems.

Suddenly, McDowell advises the away team that a very scary ship has appeared out of nowhere and that they need to get the hell out of there. The gang gets back on the shuttle just in time for the mystery ship to fire not just regular torpedoes, but nuclear torpedoes at them. The torpedoes close to zero...and then continue streaking towards the Canterbury.

Holden tells McDowell to eject the space ice to form a protective barrier, but he refuses, apparently willing to die rather than lose his payday. The payday (and everything else aboard) is lost anyway, however, as the Canterbury erupts into the most beautiful supernova I've ever seen.

"She's gone. They nuked her. She's gone."

-----------------------------------

My thoughts

So this is where I actually have to do the analysis thing. Since the beginning of this show is split into three primary subplots that all deal with a different piece of the Julie puzzle (a narrative device that I fucking love, by the way), I'll divide things up by talking about each one individually because that just makes sense.

Before I do that though, I just want to briefly say that that opening scene with Julie on the Scopuli is just the perfect opening to this show. It immediately gives us a very brief glimpse inside the puzzle box that our main cast is going to spend all of this season (and most of this show) trying to open. It's quick, it's tense, it's completely terrifying, and it's unforgettable if you've seen it.

------------------------------------

Miller on Ceres:

And we follow up that perfect opening scene with a perfect choice for which of these three main threads to start with. The thing that's great about dividing up the characters like this is that each of them only has a piece of what's going on with Julie and the Scopuli, but no one has the full picture. Miller, though, gets the most information off the bat and is the only person in the main cast who's looking for Julie specifically, so it's only natural that we should start with him.

His story is also the inspiration for the title of this episode, "Dulcinea". For those of you who aren't big Don Quixote fans, it's a reference to Quixote's fantasy lover that he invents because he styles himself as a knight and, of course, every knight needs his damsel. He describes her in excruciating detail; she's royalty in a far-off land who is the epitome of feminine beauty, the ideal of Womanhood Incarnate--or his vision of it at least.

And the deeper Miller goes in his investigation, the more quixotic he gets with his idea of who Julie is. He's never met or spoken to Julie, but as he unravels her activities prior to departing on the Scopuli, he becomes increasingly obsessed with her, imagining what kind of a person she must be, picking apart every little detail and transposing it onto his vision of what her life must be like. I'm sure he would call it "being a good detective", but it's much more than that to him.

Throughout Miller's jaunt around town with Havelock, they banter back and forth, and through their conversations, we get a great sense of their personalities. Whereas Miller is the grizzled veteran who's had his morality thoroughly beaten out of him, Havelock is a by-the-book rookie cop who seems genuinely interested in learning about Belters, if only so that he can police them more effectively.

It's a very tried-and-true buddy cop pairing, but it works really well here. Havelock gets to be our audience surrogate for this story as we learn more about how Ceres and Belters operate.

This thread has the biggest worldbuilding burden out of the three and it pulls it off so well. We get so much about life in the Belt, the politics of the Solar System, the Outer Planets Alliance, or OPA (who will definitely be showing up later), and the logistics of maintaining a huge population of humans on a space station. And none of it feels clunky or awkward in the slightest. It's exactly the style of worldbuilding I loved in "The Emissary" from Deep Space Nine.

Ceres itself also has huge DS9 vibes, and not in a good way. The set design team did such a good job making this place look old, weathered, and completely falling apart. Except, of course, for the nice apartment buildings where the cops, off-worlders, and everyone else rich enough to ignore the seedy underbelly get to live.

There are a ton of fantastic, evocative lines in this arc, but I think my favorite is Miller's deadpan proclamation that "There are no laws on Ceres, just cops." A perfect summary of everything we see on screen about how power is wielded in this place.

-------------------------------------

Chrisjen on Earth:

This is the shortest thread where the least happens, but it will grow into one of my favorites. We don't get too much additional insight into what's going on, but we do get two important things: 1) Chrisjen Avasarala is a stone-cold bitch who thinks the OPA are terrorists, and 2) the OPA are apparently trying to get their hands on illegal stealth technology, which doesn't help with the whole "terrorism" thing.

This links up to both Miller's and Holden's subplots: we know about the OPA from Miller, and the ship that eventually blows up the Cant was using Martian stealth tech. Of course, since Holden and crew have no idea about the OPA, they immediately start thinking that Mars is out to get them, which will continue to play into the story going forward.

!-- TW: DESCRIPTION OF TORTURE --!

Also important to note is that Chrisjen is getting this information through the most brutal torture I've seen on TV in a long time: forcing a Belter whose body can't handle Earth's gravity to stand for hours on end by holding him up with hooks under his arms. After Chrisjen goes on and on about his "weak Belter lungs and brittle Belter bones", she coldly turns around and tells them to hold him up for another 10 hours. "If he survives, call me."

!-- TW ENDS --!

Fucking ghoulish, and definitely not a good look for Madam Undersecretary's first appearance. You're gonna have to trust me now when I say that she becomes one of my favorite characters in the main cast. This is about as bad as she gets, but she continues being manipulative and cold-blooded for most of this show. That's just who she is. To me, it's part of what makes this subplot of scheming at the UN so engaging.

We'll be seeing a lot more of Chrisjen going forward, and she'll get much better. At the very least, she will stop torturing this guy. But only because someone will tell her not to.

-----------------------------------

Holden on the Canterbury:

If Miller's story shows us life in the Belt and Chrisjen's shows us the politics of the Solar System, Holden's thread is all about life onboard a spaceship, which is important because we're going to be spending a lot of time on spaceships. This is also the part of the episode that has the most CG and honestly it holds up really really well. I know it's less than a decade old and they probably got a lot of money for the pilot but still! It looks great!

I'll drop a brief shoutout here as well for the ship designs in this show. They knocked it out of the goddamn park with the Cant's design: it's a big, boxy, dull gray, ugly thing that looks designed to haul ice and do literally nothing else. Everything is so practical and, above all else, plausible. They look like humans from the near future built them and that's the highest compliment I can give them.

There are shades of the first act of "Alien" here as we are essentially dropped into the Cant in the middle of its mission and get to see the camaraderie and hierarchy between all the members of the crew. We also get to know more about Holden, and immediately he begins showing us his defining character trait: he wields a lot of authority and respect, but he hates being in charge.

We see this in the very first scene onboard the Cant when one of the ice haulers, Paj, gets his arm severed while working outside the ship. He seems completely unfazed by this, though, since the company will send him a prosthetic and he's been working for them long enough to get a really good one.

Not only does this happen often enough that the company just buys prosthetics as a cost of doing business, there are literally tiers of coverage depending on years of service. What an optimistic future this is turning out to be.

Paj pleads with Holden to make sure the company doesn't send him a "used" arm (a frightening thought), to which Holden replies with something that he will continue to say, in so many words, over and over: "I'm just another clock-puncher like you." Holden knows he has authority on the Cant, but all he wants to be is a clock-puncher, which he makes very clear to pretty much everyone he talks to, including Captain McDowell when he essentially forces the XO job onto him.

Later on, we get our first glimpse at Holden's other primary personality trait, that being that he is The Main Character and therefore the most kind-hearted soul that can exist in this cold, selfish world. He logs the distress signal they received from the Scopuli, thereby ensuring that they'll have to divert from Ceres (and lose their on-time bonus) in order to investigate.

He shares this privately with Chief Engineer Naomi Nagata before the shuttle mission, to which her only reply is to tell him to keep that to himself. Fair play, considering she was just talking about how she wanted to strangle the little fucking do-gooder before she realized it was her new XO. Excuse me, Acting XO.

Before the shuttle launch, we're briefly introduced to the rest of the away team: the aforementioned Naomi; her mechanic Amos Burton, whose defining character trait is doing whatever Naomi tells him to do; ship's pilot Alex Kamal, who we previously saw being an annoying blabbermouth on the Cant; and Med-Tech Shed Garvey, who sewed up Paj's arm and wants everyone to know that he does not want to be here. Yes, his first name really is Shed.

Most of this part of the episode is setting up what'll happen next so we don't get a lot of time with any of these guys, but we'll have time for some great character work in the coming episodes.

----------------------------------

And that said, what a great setup for what comes next! Nearly all of the people we just got to know on the Cant are vaporized by a mysterious ship, there's a cloud of space debris hurtling toward Holden's little shuttle, and we have a hell of a puzzle box to dig into. Did Mars blow up the Cant? Did the OPA? Why would either of them want to? What does it all have to do with Julie and the Scopuli? And what the hell was that fucking space goo??

Despite covering so much ground in this pilot, The Expanse makes it very clear that we've barely scratched the surface. And even though I've already seen this whole show and know where it's going, it took everything I had to not hit the "next episode" button.

I will be doing that very soon though because I had a blast writing this up and I definitely want to keep doing it! Apologies that this one ran so long -- I assumed I was going to write a lot with this being the first episode and everything but I had so many thoughts that didn't make it into this post. I'm sure I'll be refining the format as we go along as well.

If you read all the way to here, I'm genuinely flattered and I hope you have a wonderful day.

~ Kady <3

[deliriously-drawing]

Hello Anon! Sorry about the super late replay! (´～｀ヾ) I’m going to assume when you say you want to know more about the 2p world you were referencing the post where I said I need to create a whole post about how 2p toonz and 1p toonz are “Angels” and “Demons”

But before I dive into that let me answer the second part. Yes I’m positive 2p boys have their own names since some awesome peeps here on tumblr have told me them when I have asked before but I can’t remember all of them of the top of my head.

I do remember is that 2p Wildcat has the name Zipcat (ﾟヮﾟ) the rest of the boys I don’t remember (´～｀ヾ)

I tend to just refer them to their original names because I kept forgetting what names the Fandom would use when referring to the 2p boys lol

So! As much as it would be funny if Cartoonz was a legit Demon/Angel in the 1p/2p world my brain wanted like a more Syfy element to explain why certain people have abilities that range from physical skills and to what other may consider supernatural.

So! In my headcanon on how exactly these two exist can possibly exist in the gang au that is like the main setting for 1p/2p these two are actually Aliens…. Yes aliens. Let me explain.

This isn’t meant to be like a slander of religion or what not, I just thought it’ll be a cool idea that your traditional alien and demon were actually aliens.

In the 1p/2p world humanity was created by two different Alien species fucking around on a planet and wanting too see what will happen if they created a creature made in their image but without any of their abilities. Hence the birth of humans, those humans called the species that had red skin, horns and tails Daimōn meaning “spiritual being that influences a person’s character.” And for those with blue skin, wings and a hallow they called them Angelus meaning “a messenger , those who are guardians.”

They called them this because at the beginning the Daimons would be the ones trying to influence the new species to explore new things, feel new emotions and experience others to observe how they would react to certain circumstance.

While the Angelus would be the ones to set certain standards, make them question their actions and to look at the results, try to make them think before they act. And helped them with any problems that might pop up.

At the beginning both these specifics of aliens worked together but over time they started to argue with each other for having different view on which direction to lead this new species. In the end it started a fight and humans caught in the middle. Over time humanity view on Daimons shifted to view them as pure evil becuase they blamed their actions on them. “They’re the ones who encouraged me to follow my desire, they’re the ones who said to ignore what other say and do what I wished. It’s thier fault for the fighting, it’s their fault for the temptations” and they view Angelus as their savior “they helped me with my problems, if I devote myself they will help me be safe, if I follow certain rules I shall prosper, they saved us from the fighting”

Both species of aliens eventually stopped fighting and agreed to leave humans be and check back every 100 years to check on their progress of things but to not interfere.

but this rule was broken by a select few who wanted to poke at humanity to see how they react.

In the case of 1p Cartoonz who is a Daimon (Demon) he was at earth watching how humans could be kind one second and vicious the next. He actually stumbled across Delirious who was a thief and a small time gangster fighting to feed himself but got caught in a bigger gang scheme and ended up being shot and dumped in an alleyway for dead. Cartoonz made a deal with him because he wanted to see what will happen if an ordinary human who got double crossed and thrown under the bus had abilities of the supernatural kind.

In the case of 2p Cartoonz who is a Angelus (Angel) he was sent to earth by his council to bond with a baby to learn how to experience Empathy and Remorse because unfortunately for 2p Cartoonz and his society he was born with traits of a psychopath who could not understand or feel empathy, guilt or love towards another. So bonding with a baby would help him experience these emotions from new born to adult hood. Of course 2p Cartoonz hated this idea and when he heard stories about 2p delirious who others called a lifeless machine, an emotionless attacked dog, he decided to create a bond with him because it would be far more exciting than following a baby around being an invisible figure who couldn’t interact with anything or anyone.

the rest is history lol. Of course this information is subject to change if I feel that some details need to be changed but overall this is the setting in regards to demons and angels for me.

[gascon-en-exil]

What kind of build do you picture Osvald and Partitio having? Any images for reference?

Unlike a lot of other gay guys apparently, I don't keep a portfolio on hand of naked and nearly-naked men. I need to save room for my explicit selfies. Also, I know now that Tumblr can be weird about censoring posts that show too much skin.

Fortunately, text is fine.

Osvald's a bear, period. I think his Champions of the Continent art captures that best.

Very tall - tallest of the travelers - broad-shouldered, strong jawline, stocky, and a ton of muscle from an extensive workout regimen. He's also extremely hairy: chest, back, ass, all of it. All that natural insulation served him well on Frigit Isle, but it's bound to kill him if he ever spends much time on Toto'haha unless he gets creative with ice magic. He will, of course.

Has especially well-defined and squeezable pectorals with prominent - and sensitive! - nipples, so that the fiery breasts/juicy, fuzzy peaches jokes can flow unabated. Now that he's pushing forty and has a sugar daddy determined to make sure he eats well, Osvald will be getting a bit softer all over. Partitio likes this, in part because it's nicer to cuddle with but mostly because it's a sign that his lover is comfortable and well-treated.

Also per my own canon and likely actual canon as well, has an abundance of poorly-managed scars from his time in prison. I have them all over his chest, back, and arms, as well as small but visible scars on his cheeks from the muzzle that were hidden beneath his full beard but can be seen now that he's gone for a more fashionably trimmed look as in his ending CG.

(Beginning with Chapter 12 of What Burns Between Us, where he's dumped the prison clothes and gets his glow-up, that one official piece has been my most consistent visual reference for him. He's so unexpectedly dapper!)

His teeth are noticeably worn, as expected from someone who'd gone five years with no ability to practice oral hygiene of any kind. Osvald is uncomfortable about letting anyone other than Partitio see his scars; if these two ever do get around to a threesome, he'll probably be keeping his shirt on unless the circumstances are perfect.

Has a comically-oversized cock and equally large and heavy balls; Osvald manspreads with purpose, and when he's hard everyone knows it even when he's fully clothed. The fascination with large penises is a relatively recent development in history, so Osvald being surrounded by horny size queens might come off as slightly anachronistic...but he takes it all in stride. Roque has some especially interesting thoughts on Osvald's endowment that I'll be delving into in my next fic re: historical perceptions of penis size and his own insecure, classist snobbery. Partitio however is not a size queen, and while he might be inclined to brag (in select company) about his ability to take the biggest dick in Solistia it's not something he especially prizes about his lover. Still, if anyone could knock him up through sheer willpower and an ungodly amount of semen, it would be Osvald. (I have absolutely no intentions of ever writing mpreg...but we may all enjoy the image of an enraged Papp chasing after Osvald and attempting to castrate him while Partitio and Roque look on in horror, for very different reasons: Partitio because he hates when his family fights and doesn't want Osvald to be maimed, Roque because Osvald's equipment is an unprecedented miracle and deserves to be studied...preferably by him.)

Oh, and both men are uncut per the norm for the time period. This does present some issues when doing sex scenes since I mostly handle circumcised men (as is currently standard in the US) in my offline work, but nonetheless I have enough experience with foreskins to manage.

On to Partitio - I've spent less time physically describing him because most of my first two fics are from his PoV, although points where his build/appearance would deviate from canon have forced me to think of that somewhat.

In general: lean, long legs, second-tallest of the travelers. It's hard to say for sure, but in the group ending CG it looks like the top of Partitio's head would come about up to Osvald's cheeks so he's not quite a full head shorter. It'd be easier to tell if Partitio weren't leaning on Osvald in that pic...but I'll gladly take the incidental gay in exchange.

Several of his pics give off the impression that Partitio's yellow longcoat make him look larger than he really is:

Let's also enjoy him get casually handsy with another man in an illustration meant to showcase a game mechanic.

This helped contribute to my perception of Partitio being big on performative masculinity, possibly to mask his insecurities about being gay, and that if he were in a situation that allowed him to step out of that role, as in Wooing that Drifting Imagery, he'd take to it well and even come to enjoy it.

Per canon he doesn't exercise but stays fit through his work, presumably manual labor and combat. As such his build might be closer to a farmer's or miner's compared to Osvald's developed gym bod (very gradually sliding into dad bod). Later in life, and taking Partitio's wealthy lifestyle and his father's build into account, this may translate into Partitio developing a gut which he won't be very happy about. I've had nothing to say about any body hair Partitio might have aside from Osvald getting a hair while rimming him...although that says very little since even smooth guys tend to have some hair around their assholes. With as moderately hairy as I've made Papp, it's likely that Partitio has some modest amount of chest hair that's just never been worth remarking on. He's also capable of growing a "patchy" beard, as he did in prison before he shaved it off. Papp has a full beard, so I assume Partitio has the genes for it.

Haven't had much occasion to comment on Partitio's junk either. It's presumably average. He does precum quite a bit which has manifested in several sex scenes and allowed Osvald to roleplay Partitio getting "wet" as part of their feminization bit, though.

Partitio's hair color is a little hard to define. It looks black in-game, but some pieces of art give more of a dark brown tinge. I've dodged around this by simply calling it "dark" and thereby suggesting it could be either or both. I've also split the difference with his parents: Papp obviously has black hair, while his wife (who's a recurring character in my third fic) was a brunette.

The question of Partitio's skin tone is an uncommonly interesting one. Some early concept art depicts him with darker skin and features compared to what appears in the finished product.

This is why you'll sometime see fanart more along the lines of how he appears in these sketches.

While I don't have a problem with that and can even appreciate the variation, when it came time for me to stick him in drag in my second fic I had to actually think about that for a bit. My stories already layer in a bunch of homophobia and occasionally sexism and classism into the world of OT2...so trying to work through how (human) race works in Solistia on top of all that just seemed like entirely too much. It's already a bit of an odd sell since no one in-game seems to make much of a distinction between the people of Hinouema (obviously East Asian) and humans elsewhere in the world (Europeans/Euro-Americans). Of course there's also the beastlings...but that's a whole other mess that I really don't want to start reading real-world 19th century analogues into even though the material absolutely is there if someone wanted to do it.

So I settled on Partitio having his in-game skin tone, with the Yellowils being faux-Anglo-American or something along those lines. They still code as foreign in the Brightlands on account of their accents (as seen in canon with Agnea), and Partitio thinks he looks paler than usual with powder on his face, but no one's making any concrete racial or ethnic distinctions.

(Somewhat unrelated final point: I think another incredibly petty contributing factor to my latching onto these guys for my first ever fanfics is that they, as well as Papp and Roque, all have natural hair colors so I don't have to think about blue/purple/white etc. pubes. The most headcanon-y I have to get there is with Roque; I have him having been blond before he went grey, with a lot of insecurities surrounding twink death and such to match.)

[ginnsbaker]

Hi J!!!

I’m reblogging your answer to my ask - it’s now one of my favorite Tumblr interactions. I am so flattered by your response! BTW, i’m posting another ask since my reply was too long for a comment lol

Re: Scenes from a Mariage

Yes, please, do check it out! Some say it pales in comparison to the original Swedish TV series, but it is still an absolute ride. It’s one of my favorites. As if life isn’t challenging enough - I love angst in all my media consumption lol

But in retrospect, I think it’s more in line with ILGOSS than in If I Bleed. Nevertheless, it still highlights those extremely flawed love interests with a chilling and heart-wrenching dissociative state who hide behind 10-foot concrete walls. It’s amazing. Please let me know what you think of it once you’ve watched it!

Re: Mirror Image & Confrontation Scene

I actually do come from a homophobic and religious Filo family - so my past relationships were doomed from the start, allowing me to feel all this heartbreak I read and watch about. But as you know, us Filo daughters might bend but never break! So life is a lot better now that I'm grown 🤍

Also, The Prophecy by TS is the eldest daughter's anthem. 🙋🏻‍♀️

Re: Matt & Confrontation Scene

I actually haven't finished Sorry for Your Loss yet. I know in some of the chapters of If I Bleed, Leigh wonders if she pushed Matt to the cheating.

But I wonder if Leigh sometimes feels that if she had accepted more love from her partner and had allowed herself to be loved the way people wanted to love her, would Matt have felt safe enough to confide his darkest fears and sadness to her. Knowing that he has made enough contribution to their relationship and he can ask for something in return.

I know that's not a healthy way of looking at a relationship. But I think no matter how perfect two people are for each other, there are still some vulnerabilities or needs that we hold back because we feel we are undeserving of that much attention. I wonder how that would play into y/n's and Leigh's relationship

P.S.

If you’re familiar with the “Graduated from the Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain School of Promotion” meme, it was from their press tour of Scenes from a Marriage 🤣

Good evening, O!

Ohhh! I remember seeing gifs of Jessica and Oscar in events, with Oscar sensually kissing her arm O_O so that's the movie they made together!

Yeah, I'll definitely let you know when I see the film :) I hope I'll have some time this weekend.

Oh yeah, mine are homophobic too, but that's because of their beliefs. I was literally raised in a Christian household, was very active in church activities and ministries since I was twelve, so it came as a shock to them when I came out. I really do hope it gets better for us. I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't listen to album #2 of TTPD as much as the first one... so I haven't listened to The Prophecy O_O The thing is, I haven't moved on from the first compilation and I'm so obsessed with Guilty as Sin :))

I'll probably file away my thoughts on Leigh and Matt in the actual series for later. I'll bring it up next week :)

P.S. I had to google that, so no :P

[bisexual-horror-fan]

Bex's Blossom By Kate Winborne Annotations.

Hello, hello, hello! SO! This has been a project that I have been working on since August of 2022. I have been re-reading and annotating Blossom by Kate Winborne or @xmichaelmyers here on tumblr. I love Blossom, it is a fantastic book and when the hardcover update came out I just had to get it! So I did and when I did I thought why not write my thoughts out as I go? I have never annotated a book before. Kate didn’t ask this of me, I am not being paid, this is purely out of the sheer love I have for Kate, her work and these characters. So! Settle in and watch me scream in a spoiler heavy annotation of Blossom. Seriously I talk about spoilery things, if you haven’t read it and want to than please read the book first. 

I am going to annotate the next book After The Lamb Bites Back in smaller chunks as I go when I start reading it soon and will post them here on my blog so you can experience my going insane as it is happening! I will give notice and give this a tag if you wanna blacklist for spoilers! Now, under the cut, let’s get into it! Warnings for me being horny on main and discussions of heavy topics and violence and gore. (P.S. Food is a big thing in this book so I outline what I ate before and during and after my reading sessions to be extra.)

—

Starting at 7:41 PM on August 5th. Blossom Re-read of the hardcover edition. Dinner: Chili lime fish tacos with pickled red onions, salsa and chipotle mayo, drinking whisky and ginger ale over ice, snacking on while reading, salted caramel caramilk bar. 

What Kate wrote inside the cover is still so sweet. As is the foreword, so much love and so much excitement. 

Prolog:

The opening of the women watching their daughters in the park, still hits. That is the first thing from the book I ever read when Kate started posting and it still stands out so well. I want white wine and cheese now. 

It is wild how Kate can drop a fucking line about a throw away character, one we just meet, overdosing three hours later, someone we know nothing of and should not give a fuck about and are made to feel and care. Amazing, haunting, I feel bad for his son. 

THE WHORE IS HERE.

THE TREES KNOW MORE THAN THEY DARE SAY INDEED!

–

Chapter One

–

I love the description of us truly seeing him, it is so evocative. Also. I am weak. Professor Williamson, has such a good ring to it. 

Henry in the showerrrr. All of that is good but the man just going for it and getting off. Amazing image, ten outta ten. 

The man eating one packet of oatmeal and not even finishing it and whiskey for dinner while watching a nature show. This man. He needs someone to cook for him. I am that someone. 

The first sex scene of the book, Henry taking home a woman from Happy’s is short but vivid. A great insight into him. Henry is not satisfied by this encounter, to me, when reading it, the impression that she is seemingly so into it, so close and intimate, doesn’t make him feel comforted or seen, but rather the opposite. It makes him feel more hollow, more aware of the hunger inside of himself. This is one of the parts I kept thinking about knowing this re-read was coming. Henry is entirely unknowable, this woman and her illusion of closeness only serves to remind him of that. No one can know him, there are things about him that no one could ever understand and so he has to hide them, forget about the fact that he does NOT have the ability to allow someone so close to him or tolerate such vulnerability and honesty and emotional intimacy. What a lonely fucking guy. 

The detail of a single hair left behind that he curls around his finger until it breaks really stands out.

He’s got a new casssse!

—

Chapter Two.

—

The casual and consistent use and description of colours is one of my longest standing faves in this book. So effective! 

Henry shoving the bible into the nightstand out of sight? Fucking same dude. My guy!

The man packing the alcohol in his bag so fucking neatly to make sure it is safe. To then get drunk and pass the fuck out. He is not okay.

Ahhhhh this discription of The Town is so fucking good!

“-residing alongside the trauma that coated her tongue like honey, sweet as ripe tangerines, but bitter against the back of her throat like coffee grounds.”  I still think of this line often. It will pop into my head unbidden frequently.

—

Chapter Three.

—

Henry looking down at his medication with disdain before swallowing them down with cold coffee making me like, hey king you need to talk? Need your dick sucked? You know my number get at me.

I would eat at this hotel's breakfast. I really would. 

Blossom is officially here! Vanilla almond milk latte, as someone who has worked in coffee shops since seventeen on and off, reads as a very her drink. 

I have always really loved the description of Bethany. The detail of her avocado socks always stuck out. Considering the use of colour Kate applies throughout the whole book I know I should think of them being just the colour avocado, but part of me likes to think of them as printed with little cartoon avocados and that is cute as fuck and I love it. 

Blossom sees Henry for the very first time! God, the excitement I feel from this is far too much! 

“She wanted to crack him open like an egg, spool through his brains, his guts, burrow herself deep inside his roughness. As if there was a safety to it all. A home in all that damage.” The first line that really hooked me my first read and it still hits. It is a line just so full of, God, promise of so much shit to come.

Henry met Sophie and this time around, I feel differently about it just her saying that nothing bad has ever happened in this town is just, infuriating? On a deep level. Nothing bad has ever happened here? Really Soph? Not even in your own home? You fuck.

I am begging, begging the people in The Town to acknowledge the horrors in front of them as if I am Charlie Day in It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia ranting about Pepe Silvia.  

Sophie seeing Blossom staring and being like “Please, for once, PLEASE-” and Blossom being like “Ahahaha, no! <3.” Adore it.

—

Chapter Four.

—

Norman has arrived. He wants a steak before seven thirty. This man is an animal and not in the good way. Henry’s reaction is appropriate for once, I too, am disgusted.

Stop judging Sophie! The man BARELY eats, he needs all the nutrition he can get! Let him have his fucking raspberry pie and ice cream!

Discussion of the first two murders. Henry is much too excited by the prospect of a serial killer, which bitch, same?!

Henry going into the detail of the first real gruesome crime scene he was sent to like damn, DAMN! FUCK KATE!

Henry talking shop! About the pattern, how confident, talking about the killer being addicted, the parallels. Mannnn. 

PROLONGED EYE CONTACT!

Finished reading for tonight at 10:11 PM. 60 pages covered this first session. 

—

Wednesday August 10th. Second session. Starting at 9:20 Pm. Off tomorrow. Dinner: Peanut and sesame noodles with chilli oil and green onion. More whiskey with ginger ale over ice. Snacking on hot cheetos and a crispy caramel kit-kat while reading. 

—

Chapter Five.

—

Oh the HOSPITAL! YES!

Tv is on a cooking channel because of course it is. 

Henry just cutting the small talk short asdfghjkajshglakhdg, “Take me to the bodies FRANK-” And Frank being like “If you got the stomach for it.” Like Frank. Honey. You know nothing of this man. 

Henry being totally unfazed by the smell of the dead. This man is not okay. (This will be said many times throughout this.) 

Why, why, why do I love this passage so much? Talking about how Henry looks over the body? The image is so crystal clear. It is almost like I am in the room. Like I can smell the bleach as I look over his shoulder, watching as he inspects the cadaver below him, watching how the bright harsh lighting catches on the cold thick blood clotting between his gloved fingers? I can see Henry at this moment. Like I could just reach out and touch him. How can something like this be written in a way that is so telling, so intimate yet so detached? It is captivating as hell. Just like Henry himself.  This was another moment during my first read though that made me want to know more about him.

“Coffee, yeah. Thanks.” That is such a human moment that just reeks of reality. A phrase I have heard uttered a million times in my line of work and I can hear how it was said perfectly. The little details really make this. 

Shit coffee indeed, let me make this man a good cup of coffee PLEASE-

He needs a fresh body!!!

—-

Chapter Six.

—-

Man is so particular about his coffee honestly I love what it adds to his character. It says SO much by saying so little. 

Oh my God and Mr.Clemmington was a cook.

Henry hating small talk makes so much sense. What an asshole. Love him.

Name drop! Blossom James ooooohhh.

“Anyway, I hope no girl in this town is capable of such a thing…” Oh giiiirlll. You don’t know shit about shit. 

Henry taking his pills with leftover coffee with cigarette ash in it like SIR can you PLEASE take care of yourself even just a little?!

Henry, you need more than dry cereal for dinner. 

—

Chapter Seven.

—

Henry’s breakfast, coffee, cigarettes and fucking twizzlers apparently. 

Watching him at work is captivating. Henry rattling off what should be done and in what order is justttt a sickening delight. What a freak.

Ethan is missing. And Henry is a little too defensive. “I didn’t say anything.” Mmmhmmm. You didn’t have to. 

—

Chapter Eight.

—

Henry deadass like “We are looking for a body-” and Norman just, “Oh you’d like that sooooo much wouldn’t you?!” Uh. Yeah. Duh dude, he’s the worst. 

Ethan and Blossom went out, eh? Oooh boy. 

This chapter is short but so fucking gooood. I love how they haven’t even formally met and he is getting frustrated by her! The build up and teasing before we really get to know her is just so fucking delicous.

—

Chapter Nine.

—

The description of the hotel’s restaurant is another stand out. I can imagine myself sitting there, smelling the vanilia of the candles and partaking in the food, almost as if I can taste the vegetable medley myself. 

I love Blossom's dress, periwinkle is an underrated colour and the meaning of her wearing it here, tonight, during their first official meeting is not lost on me and the impact is strong.

They are sitting, they are talkING-

Blossom clearly has thoughts about Ethan. I can hear the bite of the way she says ‘Golden boy’ and it is telling. 

“Henry.” Whore. Him. Not her. He is the whore. Like call me Henry, the fuck IS that?! Asking her to use your first name? Mmm? Already so informal? Like a slut? Have you no shame?

“Picky with your food.” “If you’d call it that.” The TENSION! I’ve already read this before but I am still so like !!!!

“-he just didn’t fuck me anymore.” girl fucking say it. 

“Do you like me Henry?” I mean fuck how could he not?

Oh mannnn another masturbation scene hell yeah baby! Unlike the first one this one lingers for longer and it is good. The idea that he doesn’t even necessarily enjoy the act of this, it is a means to an end, an annoyance, it’s a mix of anger, of disgust, of maintenance, of hatred, it’s this balance that is just so fucking right. The idea of hating the act of this is just, so interesting to me. Not just from a narrative perspective, not just for the way it lets us into Henry’s mind, but because it is so utterly different and conflicting from my own personal feelings about the act. Not even the act as he is doing it but my own relationship with it on a deep and personal level, the differences between he and I, they don’t divide me from his character, if anything, they intrigue me further, beckoning me to know him. 

“The taste of her name as sweet as the frost-glazing of a strawberry filled cake, flowering in his chest until it choked him.” Pure poetry. Gorgeous. Perfect. Another stand out line. Makes me think of so much, the images of digging my fingers into a pretty little decorated cake, of ripping and tearing and splitting it open simply to destroy something beautiful, to mirror what Blossom is already doing to Henry in such a short time, to then just lick the mashed and sugary strawberry mixture of the filling from my fingers, just because, flit through my mind while reading this line. What is this book capable of? The things it can conjure up cannot be understated. 

Hot, hot, hot. Love he was still half dressed and just spills himself onto the sheets. 

—

Finished second session at 10:53 PM. 45 pages covered in the second session. Word count over 2K now. 

—

Such a large break happened because of me leaving my previous job, moving into a new town and starting a new job, better late than never, I am back on it!

Starting this session at 11:02 AM on January 17th, a Tuesday, I have the day off today. Breakfast was cereal, I am having ice water and no snack because I will break for lunch soon. 

—

Chapter Ten.

— 

 I adore the description of Blossom’s house, it is so clear that just like all things Kate writes, a ton of thought was put into every detail. 

More food, this reminds me I should make meatloaf again soon,

“Seeing the Agent made her hungry.” I fucking LOVE. 

“Breathing out with the softness of a flowering bruise, tender and hesitant.” Kate I simultaneously want to kiss and punch you for always doing this! You throw out just the best fucking lines so damn casually. As if we are roommates, I finished a long day at work, sitting at the kitchen table and you just stride into the room, drop one of the most profound things I have ever heard and then just waltz off back to your own space as if it were nothing and I am not left changed and struggling to contend with what you just forced upon me. That is what lines like this feel like and do to me. Does that make sense?

And here it is, another real heart stopping and revealing moment of what makes Blossom her. You just know from the jump that there is something more to her, and this passage makes it abundantly clear and makes you feel for her. While I personally have experienced my fair share of this sort of thing in my own life it is of course, like a lot of stories, different from what she has but my heart goes out to her. Why can’t Blossom use, abuse, and take from these men as they have taken from her? Why not?

This chapter isn’t long but it doesn’t need to be, it is honestly very necessary and I love the look into Blossom alone and at home. 

—

Chapter Eleven.

—

Man fell asleep still dressed and cum covered. What a fucking whore, what an inspiration, what a guy. How down bad am I, do you ask? So bad that I read this and my first thought was, “I could fix that. Fuck the shower, I have a mouth-” With all the coffee he drinks, his alcohol problem and the smoking his cum must taste terrible. Still wouldn’t stop me.

I love this so much. Having Blossom showering in the last chapter towards the end and Henry at the next towards the start and difference in how they do even down to the temperature they prefer, amazing. 

Back at the diner, another meeting, more tension and of course, more food. It is impossible to read this and not get hungry and also slightly nauseated at points, it is beautiful. 

“-reached for more, satisfying herself in front of him.” I fucking canNOT. 

I love any scene with them talking back and forth.

This is so fucking good, she is getting to him so easily and just how unapologetically she is eating. Also, “But you’re not sorry. Why would you be?” Might be one of my fave quotes so far, it stuck out my last reading as well. 

Interrupting Henry when he immediately assumes the killer is a man and her fighting him on it. 

“Don’t underestimate the rage of a woman, Special Agent.” YEAH HENRY! And maybe it WAS a threat. What are you gonna do about it? 

Invite Blossom to the search part apparently.

—

Chapter Twelve. 

—

I feel it is important to mention at this juncture that I cannot read in silence so I have on a thunderstorm in the woods audio going and it feels just totally perfect for reading this

Henry runs through the details of the practised lie of what happened between him and his wife with a shocking amount of detachment, but not that shocking for him.

Mr.Whitmore you should learn to like, I dunno, lie better. 

The cropped tea and pink bell bottoms is unironically one of my favourite Blossom looks described in this book. 

This conversation, the back and forth and talking about favourite colours, their characters really shine here, another stand out moment. After having read this once before Henry saying “Blue” and knowing what will come later, I had to put the book down for a moment, and not just to type up this annotation. 

“How old are you, Blossom?” “Eighteen.” Old enough to legally...Vote. But on the real again the tension in this scene, sharing the cigarette, the closeness, just THIS. 

A body has been discovered! 

Blossom admitting she doesn’t feel anything upon seeing the disgusting corpse is just so fucking good. 

Chapter twelve was fucking great, I forgot how much happened in this one chapter, a total fave. 

—

Chapter Thirteen.

—

Blossom and Henry are just lying to police now, alright, alright. 

Short but to the point, I enjoy the small details in this one. Describing the grotesque nature of the body especially was very effective. 

Also the forgetting a clipboard and letting Blossom write on his back, cute, realistic, adore it.

Course you can’t pass up a fresh corpse Henry you fucking freak. 

—

Chapter Fourteen.

—

The entertainment centre! I remember simply adoring this next chapter, I am excited!

Grilling Mr.Whitmore on why he works here occasionally. Henry you are so, so transparent and projecting really hard here. Being so critical with him being so close to the teenagers when what are you doing with Blossom? You woke up splattered in your own cum after passing out post-nut, post-jack sesh thinking about a certain eighteen year old blonde, remember? 

More Henry and Blossom talking <3

“Oh, come on. You can’t deny that…You don’t look at all these…Preppy, skimpy seventeen and eighteen year old girls and don’t think about when you were that age with the impulse control of a twelve year old.” HENRY! 

“No. I don’t. Because I’m not seventeen, or eighteen anymore, Henry. And neither are you.” “Doesn’t mean I still can’t look.” He is so fucking gross. And yet…

I do feel for ol Norm here but at the same time he really does need to let Henry do his damn  job. 

“We’ll see if the Coopers are ready to talk and resume the work on Monday. I’m sure the killer will understand.” What a note to go out on Henry damn.

A knock on the door? This late? Who could it be? I ask having fully read this book before.

I was right by the way, this chapter was so good and so engrossing.

—

 Chapter Fifteen. 

—

Of course it’s Blossom who is here. Obviously. Who else?

Naturally she comes in. 

Absent mom and a dead mom. Gotta love two people with mommy issues getting together. 

I find myself unable to pull away during their conversations, they are just still so engaging to read. That being said, “Why don’t you like white wine?” “I’ve always preferred something stronger. Something that bites.” Oh I bet you do.

She’s making the move, SHE’S MAKING THE MOVE-

The description of Henry here, hands up, not looking at her, trying very, very hard to maintain his composure and will and not touch her. Oof. 

They are kissing! This is where it all starts to really go tits up and I am so here for it.

“We shouldn’t be doing this-” Oh but you’re gonna Henry, you are, we all know it just do it!

He really is trying here, and he does make a good point, they shouldn’t get involved with each other like this but that is part of what makes it so good!!!

She isn’t wearing any panties. 

Man is done for. 

And he gives in! Get it Henry! I wish that were me. Who in this scenario? Like a true bisexual. Both. 

Just going for it and with no protection! Henry, you animal. 

His garden. This whole section is phenomenal. People could learn a thing or two about writing sex scenes from reading how Kate does it!

Kate’s work is just mind blowing. It is incredible how she writes the differences between Henry and Blossom post their first time together. For him feeling like he can breathe for the first time in years and her imagining becoming one with the forest, consumed with rot and dying like the way they view sex and each other is so intensely fascinating. It just so interesting too because I have felt like Blossom has, chest feeling scooped out and hollow and empty but never relating to sex, reading this book with just how different my perspective on physicality with another human from there's never bores me.

“RISE AND SHINE, ASSHOLE, NEW DAY! AND LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE NOW!”  That is just this book and Henry’s life all over, huh? A good alternate tagline. 

Ahhhhh a dream sequence and such a fucking good one! The imagery in this is immaculate, the one that stands out to me the most is the mention of Blossom’s hair in a high ponytail tied with a pink ribbon, so fucking good and so clever. Blossom becoming a literal monster and tearing him apart, what do you think it means Henry? C’mon, THINK!

Another fantastic chapter, of course.

—

Chapter Sixteen. 

—

He is making her breakfast. Also blueberry pancakes are in fact the best, I will not take criticism at this time. 

“Colour me impressed.” My gesturing to a board covered with papers and tacked with pins, red strings connecting seemingly random things and moments, “It all comes back to COLOUR! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT THE COLOUR! DO YOU SEE-”

“Yet, there was still nothing ever as tooth-rotting as Blossom James.” I am punching the air!

—

Chapter Seventeen.

—

Her being so excited to see him oh my GOD. “I missed you.” “You always miss me.” Things that happen between me and my husband all the time, no word of a lie.

Planning secret meetings ooooooh.

“I want you to do exactly what you wanted to do the day we found Ethan.” Blossom. Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Also I love the little jump here. The few weeks and the mention of just how many times and places they have fucked thus far, they have clearly been very busy. 

Fucking right next to the scene of the crime, extremely risky but also, extremely hot.

This is all fucking amazing. The depth, the feeling, Blossom’s and Henry’s worry and doubt and hungry fervour for one another being so all consuming constantly. The question of how does this end is a good one to leave the chapter with.

How will it all end?

—

Chapter Eighteen.

—

Kate describes kisses in a million ways and I am here for all of them. Preppy and sickening or otherwise. 

This man smokes. So fucking much my God. Third read I should do a cigarette counter. 

Henry drinking and getting sloppy and good ol Norm comes to the rescue. 

Bro. Dude. Asking for Blossom in your drunken stupor is not going to help anyone or anything my GOD DUDE!

He is such a fucking messss.

—

Chapter Nineteen.

—

Yeah you forgot your shit at the bar you fucking walking embarrassment of a man Henry.

I’m part of the Abby fanclub. 

I really like Sophie and Norm interacting. It totally reads that they have known each other a very long time and I love the easy and playful air between them both very much. A joy to read. 

The suspensions are not misplaced Sophie, not at all.

Blossom comes by to bring a lot more than just coffee in this scene that is for damn sure. Norm is really trying to give Henry the benefit of the doubt and struggling. I think he is almost trying too hard to convince himself but as he told Sophie before, what else can he do?

Another great chapter with more tension. I am stopping for now to break for lunch. I am thinking of an egg salad sandwich. It is 1:34 PM. I covered 110 pages this round, over halfway through the book. This has been the longest session so far and the doc is now over 4,000 words. 

—

It is January 29th, a Sunday, it is 12:31 PM, I have the day off and the laundry going as I sit down for this session. I had a sleep in and a late breakfast of an open faced sandwich consisting of egg and honey ham with chive cream cheese and hashbrowns. Water and no snack again. 

—

Chapter Twenty.

—

Blossom is having a party and again, I love the outfit described here, it is one of the first ones I think of, totally iconic and so her. 

Blossom in the bathroom with some fucking guy and this guy, Kyle, God, I hate him. Hated him the first read, hate him this one too, what a complete shit stain. 

I hate and love how real this is. It is just so fucking sickening because it is so common and happens all the damn time and has happened to her how many times? I wish Blossom would, I wish she would rip his teeth out, or scream or something but I know all too well what can happen in these scenarios and why she doesn’t. God, Kate, stop being such a good writer all the time damn it!

This is the kind of part that makes me want to reach in the pages and kill Kyle myself. Reminding myself he is a fictional character means nothing because Henry and Blossom are fictional too, you know? But the feelings they make me feel are real, what I get from reading this book is real and while they aren’t real living breathing people, Kate writes them so well they feel like they are. Even if they are fictional and I am real and I cannot touch them in a tangible way, this asshole, Kyle is fictional just as they are and therefore can and chooses to do harm and the threat of Blossoms hurt by him feels so sharp I could cut myself on it. 

“Did you cum?” Kill yourself Kyle you pathetic rapist fuckwad. 

Mr.Whitmore why are you at a high schooler’s party exactly???

“Rather, there was a tenderness to his bruising touch.” Kate. Girl. I am eating this line. Crushing it up and snorting it, need it in my bloodstream. 

The drama of it all, neither of them can communicate properly at all like just please can you for once be normal. I say as if I don’t love them at their absolute worst. 

—

Godddd what a fucking chapter, so good, so much happened but not enough to feel like overwhelmed by it, you know? Stellar as to be expected.

—

Before. Technically Chapter Twenty-One.

—

The wife is here. Cindy, poor, poor Cindy. Love the pjs tho.

Siiiigh, you too Henry? I say as I read him about to force himself on his wife as if I have not read this before.

This scene is so hard to talk about but I want to talk about it, you know? Like it is very intense how unintentional it seems to be, he didn’t come home planning to kill his wife, it isn’t a big premeditated thing, also I love how real this is. How he is so comfortable, so sure everything will be fine and cares so much about what he wants or feels he needs that he has no regard for her and pays the heaviest fine for it, her death, being the one that killed her. But also, even though we see him leaning on booze and pills and the rest, the man is still alive, he still goes on living, walking free after he did that.

RIP Cindy, we hardly knew you and you definitely deserved better.

—

Short chapter but it is deff supposed to be, gets across just what it needs to and it hit hard and is insanely effective.

—

Chapter Twenty-Two.

—

Blossom got into the car and now after a short but tense drive they are having a conversation and this conversation my Lord! Henry is totally upset that Blossom is right by the way, she knows he likes how she looks next to him and how she makes him feel but he’s all “oh I’m so much older, my job, my station, my morals-” WHAT MORALS HENRY?

Also Henry has a point, Blossom James does have main character syndrome and is just constantly inserting herself into the narrative but she is fucking interesting as hell and I wanna see her all the time so damn Henry let her live!

“You know nothing about me.” Mmmm don’t be so sure Henry.

Blossom is again correct, you wanted to fuck her from the moment you saw her, don’t deny it you mess of a man!

Him hitting her !, her nose bleeding and her smiling up at him with fucking red teeth, !!, the description I never get tired of reading ever of her being a predator of equal conviction !!!!!!!!!

Like I could go on and on about this section just it is so fucking good! Henry’s complex and swirling emotional state consuming him so thoroughly and being unable to control himself around her! The conflicting wants and feelings and him being just thoroughly unequipped to deal with it all! They are a car crash I cannot look away from, nor would I ever want to. I stare and let the images of them tangled up in a gory flaming pile burn into my retinas until the fumes of spilled gasoline make me literally pass the fuck out. 

Me dancing in my chair as I read how Henry wants to kill and main Blossom, just a nice Sunday afternoon.

Henry saying he doesn’t want to fight her. Like I don’t believe you again Henry,

They are fucking in the carrr! Which like yes, hot, get it, but also, Blossom are you good?

Henry chasisting her over smoking, like, dude. For real?

Blossom calling him Daddy, him calling her disgusting and shotgunning smoke into her mouth, her being so fucking coy and pleased with herself, “And you love it.” Like yeah he does and so do I! Do it again!

Blossom asking him to the fucking dance! THE DANCE IS COMING! AH!

Henry of course you can’t go to the dance you old fuck but also her teasing him about going with a boy her own age and him getting so angry over it has me so amped, like the playfulness on display here it is just all a game to her!

—

I want to make this chapter breakfast in bed and then smash the coffee mug over its head before giving it a big ol kiss.

—

Chapter Twenty-Three.

—

Chinese food late at night in a hotel room sounds so fucking good right now it is unreal.

Okay but now I need a disgustingly detailed section of how exactly Henry eats pussy or do I gotta do that myself? I can do it myself! I just need to know, we know I can deliver it too. I just gotta think on it.

Blossom asking to get choked by him like girl you don’t know what you are asking of him! He CAN hurt you! He wants to! You are meddling in forces you do not understand!

Every little piece and look into Blossoms past is so fucking sad. She has been through so much I hate it. 

Must every guy in Blossom’s life suck so fucking hard?

Also the milk and honey thing coming around and around again is so fucking perfect and apt and slots into this story fucking amazingly well.

Blossom making him breakfast! I would eat what she made, it sounds fucking good honestly.

Another amazingly described kiss that is so fucking perfect I ache.

—

Another banger of a chapter my God I feel so full and spoiled during this re-read.

—

Chapter Twenty Four.

—

Why are all the suspects older dudes? Hum. I wonder.

Also Henry dressed like a total slut today, we love to see it!

Someone who hangs around the younger guys and girls. Man, I wonder who he is thinking of!!!

I could listen to Henry go off about this kind of thing forever, Freud or otherwise.

Stacy do be Stacy though that is for damn sure Norman.

Norman inviting Henry for dinner and asking him for a smile that turns out to be so unsettling that he is just straight up like nevermind please don’t ever do that again oh my God. Perfection. Hilarious. Whenever and I do mean WHEN, not IF, the movie or tv series or whatever adapt of this happens, that detail needs to be left in.

Blossom out alone with a bunch of boys in the woods and drinking, a horrible idea really.

I can hear the “I wasn’t gonna let them do anything, I was just playyingg-” in my head and it is great. Also sure, Blossom.

This girl will not stop running her mouth to save her life. You are gonna get you and Henry in so much trouble!

I don’t blame Sopher for hating Henry, man is always acting suspicious.

And so it comes out again! Henry I think you do have it out for Whitmore and I think it is because you see an uncomfortable amount of yourself in him at times and refuse to acknowledge it. But also yeah Whitmore is really weird, keep an eye on that guy.

Ooooof. Norman laying it down, like he knows what is up! He isn’t dumb Henry! “I hope to fuck I don’t.” Hits so fucking hard.

Man I do not like Sophie but that is totally a ME and my issues thing because she is right about a lot of this.

—

Another fucking awesome chapter, the scene with her in the woods and Henry coming by is another stand out in my mind I find myself thinking of often. 

—

Chapter Twenty-Five.

—

Henry finding the old pictures of Blossom on the fridge and wondering what made her so “hard” like man if you only knew.

God, the imagery you describe Kate everytime it gets to me. Reach into her brains and feel around, discover what is really wrong Henry do it!

The girl was just fucking waiting for him! Also the lingerie sounds cute as fuck.

C’mon Henry we both know you are gonna fuck her, just do it my guy. 

The give and take between them both, the constant fight and unease and just inability to just exist without conflict. Man do I love it. 

Blossom calling him daddy has me feeling some kind of way.

The choose to kiss me thing has my in knots just it is fucking fantastic Kate just truly something else.

The softness and the not wanting to be so vulnerable but being unable to help it.

—

Finished this session at 2:31 PM. Stopping at page 288. I covered 73 pages this time around. The doc is over 5.5K words. Less than 100 pages left to cover. The next annotation session might be my last. Excited to finish strong!

—

It is January 31st, a Tuesday, once again it is my day off. I have less than 100 pages left to cover in Blossom and I am going to attempt to complete the book and the annotations this session. For breakfast I had a fried egg sunny side up on a single slice of buttered toast, topped with green onion and everything bagel seasoning. No snack as I am planning on lunch today, perhaps mac and cheese? I am drinking a country peach herbal tea out of my mug Kate sent, “The Trees Know More Than They Dare Say” stares back at me as I put on more thunderstorms in the forest sounds at 10:56 AM and this new reading session begins.

—

Chapter Twenty-Six.

—

I don’t think I have mentioned it until now but Henry smoking Marlboro’s just makes like way, way too much sense. I can see him holding the classic iconic white and red and gold pack in his hand very clearly.

Henry staring into the forest and wanting to lie down and rot and let it all overtake him in many a similar way that Blossom has is so interesting. Also it makes me wonder like are they just this similar? Or is something up with this forest in particular? But then I remember all the time I have spent in forests and that they are just Like That.

Henry plays nice at the dinner with Norm’s family and I love the honesty of him telling Norm when asked, that he doesn’t give a shit what he thinks but what Stacy thinks actually matters. Good shit, consistent with his character and just an awesome detail. 

Norm filling in Henry on the ‘rumours’ and him brushing it off as just that. Henry is understandably very upset as am I!

Another shower, him gripping the sink and staring at himself in the mirror, again, reminiscent and similar of Blossom earlier. 

Talking about her perfume being on his coats and his pillows, and then this, “She was everywhere. Infecting him.” She so is! I love how slowly it happens but how clear it is here, how much she is burrowed inside him and has affected him so heavily, she has set up camp inside him and he isn’t even fully aware of how much she has. I am obsessed. 

“He felt as if she was the biggest mystery of all.” Fucking cut, print, beautiful note to finish on. Another moment I can see put to screen.

—

A fantastic chapter, seriously so many good smaller details, thoroughly enjoyable yet again,

—

Chapter Twenty-Seven.

—

This chapter is only about two pages but what a two pages. 

Two pages of Blossom breaking down after expecting Henry to reach out and him not, her sobbing, clawing at herself and drinking. The descriptions here at the end, of so desperate for relief you hurt yourself immensely in the process, willing to tear till you see bone just hoping for a moment’s peace, goregous. 

—

Ethan, or, Chapter Twenty-Eight.

—

Another very short chapter, describing Blossom in the cemetery and Ethan following her there. The conversation is brief, him saying she shouldn’t be out like this, him affirming that it’s not girls like her that are dying, it’s boys like him and him assuring her that he can “bench 200” so the guy will have his work cut out for him. Okay, nice attempt to flex Ethan /s. But this last line is the stand out to me, “-and Blossom let her head fall back, snaking her arm around his shoulders and closing her eyes, engulfing him.”  Phew. Truly a banger.

—

Chapter Twenty-Nine.

—

Oh my God this is it, this is the chapter, the long, extended dream sequence. I dunno if I am ready again! This part is so intense but so good. Okay, okay, be cool, here we go.

We kick off with a wonderfully descriptive scene of Henry eating, frantic, hungry, desperately trying to satisfy himself, right? Eating meat, drinking red wine, eating pomegranate, and it’s all fine until we pull away to see that he is actually eating Blossom. And not in the way we have seen before, we are talking full out, full on, raw, animalistic, cannibal style consumption. 

It isn’t enough and it will never be enough as he feeds and eats until there is literally nothing left of her, going so far as to consume bone, marrow and cartilage. 

He reaches back in and instead of finding warmth and hopefully more food instead he finds a nest of baby spiders and I get a chill every time I read this part ugh!

This image is the best. Henry trying to fight to get the spiders off, almost tripping and then Blossom, still dead, reaching out, catching his wrist and holding him there, mouth opening and dark legs of a much larger spider reaching out from the darkness just- my GOD. Horror, pure, horror, goodness.

Tea update, I have gotten so distracted reading and annotating it has now gone cold.

The dream shifts suddenly to Henry being in front of and then going into Blossom’s house in search of her, the hope that he will find her safe is one that I cannot share with him because Henry, awake or asleep she is never safe with you.

The description of the room in total disarray is fantastic and also again something that one can picture so easily. 

Blossom is dead and Henry is holding her and sobbing and I am FEELING!

Him crying and apologising is everything. 

But, it was all a joke because all of this is a big fucking joke to Blossom, even pretending she is dead all for him to discover. 

“Does it make you feel good? Tearing those around you apart? Destroying those that care about you?” Go off Henry. But also yeah Blossom, does it?

“I’m sorry.” “No you’re not.” - “You never are.”  Fucking snaps Kate. 

This moment still fucks me up, Henry realizing that he is dead on the floor, has been watching himself this whole time. 

“Are you going to hurt me like you hurt her?” She asked. “Do you want to hurt me Henry? Do you want to kill me too?”  This whole scene, this whole sequence is indescribably good. I wouldn’t want them to cut a single moment or movement from this pure gold. 

Words are failing me.

He’s awake!

The bitch is back and she is drunk.

I have read a few reviews that claim the work of Kate and this book in particular to be ripping off Gone Girl, calling it plagiarism, especially for this next part. Blossom, drunk and a mess giving a speech, a rant, going the fuck off about the awful treatment of men and expectations thrust upon her and all women and that just pisses me off. The reviews, not her speech, her speech is great. I hate that reviewers see a woman giving a speech about mistreatment, and the entitlement of men and look at Kate and her work and compare her to Gillian Flynn negatively.  Because don’t you know there can be only one book like this? Only one story delving into the rage inherent to the feminine? Only one book can have this kind of character, this kind of story, everything else is clearly a copy, a cheap imitation, instead of insulting and making unfair and frankly incorrect claims, looking at the broader picture. These reviewers look at this and compare instead of seeing that both these stories and many more like them can have their own spot in the conversation, and can co-exist. And the biggest point of all, maybe, just fucking maybe, the reason there is multiple stories, conversations, rants, characters like Amy and like Blossom is because what they are talking about, what they preach has distinct truth and basis in the reality of the experience of tons and tons of women and that is why it hits and resonates. 

Also Henry thank God you stopped yourself from saying that shit because holy fuck no one is ever asking for it ever.

Henry not believing female rage, like alright bud, sit down.

Blossom’s feelings are so valid here. The want for people who have harmed you to see how they have and understand it and share that feeling. It is fucking powerful, this whole section is!

“Would you kill to take back your power?” Henry, you are getting closer to getting it. 

The way I need this whole scene filmed yesterday.

Blossom’s got a fucking gun. The first time I read this my stomach dropped. 

This scene with her holding the gun to him is so tense.

Kate you could write about the issues with women only becoming empowered in media through abuse and hurt from men for hours and hours and I would eat it up. Oh shit, wait, I already have. I’d do it again. 

I like to think for sure a part of Blossom wants to stop this, wants to be ‘normal’ wants to love as Henry describes but again, the constant mistreatment from everyone all her life prevents that. How can she just swallow back all this hate and not let it poison her? How can she just move on from that? It IS like saying that they won, she becomes another person standing idly by, a part of the problem. 

Finally she falls asleep and the chapter ends.

—

This is my favourite chapter in the book by far. I could scream on and on about it more than I already have, the dream sequence I could read it and go line by line diving in deeper I swear to God. I gotta hold myself back in some places though. 

—

Chapter Thirty.

—

A hard and tense conversation is had once Blossom wakes up in the morning.

Henry keeps on choosing her, she didn’t ask for it, true but he isn’t unreasonable in wanting her to choose him back and some proof of this. 

She clearly doesn’t want him to go, but he does. 

She usually has cold showers but takes a hot one in an attempt to understand. I could never take a cold shower so Blossom girl, I do not understand you in that respect. 

—

A shorter but extremely emotionally driven chapter that hits the spot after the last one.

—

Chapter Thirty-One.

—

Blossom asking for some help with her photos.

Oh my God Mr.Whitmore you fucking creep. Yeah I will look over your photos for the end of year project, how about I bring a bottle of wine along?! You sick fuck I hate you.

She is eating once again, drinking once again, watching a nature documentary and wishing she as the wolf and the prey all at once and I am still just so fucking captivated by it.

Yeah those Barbie commercials suck, I’d turn off the TV too.

—

Chapter Thirty-Two.

—

We finally got another body hoooo boy! 

Again tied with a pink ribbon, again many, many stab wounds, throat slashed this time, leaving him to choke on his own blood. 

I afforded myself a ten minute break at this time to grab an ice water and make lunch, I sit back down with my mac and cheese ready to eat and read. 

The killer is being unorganised and cocky, in broad daylight no less?

A school ID at the scene of the crime!

A frantic call from Blossom oh my God!

Mr.Whitmore is with her and when Henry gets there he is dead and she is holding the knife.

Her sobbing about how she lost control is haunting knowing what we know. Knowing how important control is to her and this is why she is doing this, convincing herself whenever she is being hurt or used she is still in control it is like what happened? The tension!

—

My mac and cheese threatens to go cold at this rate because this book, again even on the second readthrough, is so captivating. 

—

Chapter Thirty-Three.

—

Blossom is in the hospital and Henry is there with her.

The girl has been really fucked up my God. 

Norman is totally a bit salty and mad at himself that Henry was right this whole time about it being Mr.Whitmore. 

Love Henry describing the motif of the pink ribbon representing Blossom, just, real good.

I really, really like Norm and Sohpie’s interactions, again the air of how long they have known each other hangs heavy.

Of course it actually happened Norm. Come on. What kid lies about that?

—

Another chapter in the books that I love, a big smooch for this one.

—

Chapter Thirty-Four.

—

We are finally at the dance hooo boy.

The theme of the dance being love, gag me. 

Henry is here like she wanted! 

Be still my heart she is wearing fucking blue. SHE IS WEARING BLUE!

It’s all like a dream, an actually good one for once Henry, a rarity for you I am sure. 

They dance and yeah all the parents watching on like uhhh? Hilarious, like shut up you don’t know them like us the readers do!

And they leave the dance togetherrrr. God I love them way too much for how bad they are for each other.

Back at the hotel, much making out and getting drunk together.

He wants to rip away the blue and bury himself in her pink oh my fucking-KATE! I love you.

Blossom is that girl. Drunk all like, “I wanna go swimming!” And fuck I felt that. 

Kate could write something just listing colours over and over and I would love it. 

Of course he doesn’t want her in the pool. She wants him in the pool with her, so she drags him in, naturally.

The build up of what you think is going to be a steamy sex scene poolside ends up with Blossom breaking down and man my heart hurts. 

—

This chapter is just so well paced AND well placed, you know what I mean, it is just mwah, amazing, very needed, tonally it flows so well.

—

Chapter Thirty-Five.

—

It’s summer, a month after the dance and Henry pays Blossom a visit. 

We get to hear some of her statement and mannn. It is just, fucking pitch perfect, immaculate. 

“I want to love you…So badly…” - “But?” - Blossom didn’t answer.  I am ripping my own hair out oh my God. 

Blossom is so empty inside, nothing there at all and so she instead of dealing with the internal pain, she seeks physical pleasure.

Okay this next sex scene, so fucking good, just I love the juxtaposition of the flowery language with harsher terms thrown in there, it is through the whole book and it feels like it sums up Blossom the character insanely well. 

“In return, Blossom gave him exactly what he needed, at the same time, taking exactly what she wanted. A perfect balance.” Can I get this line tattoo’d on the inside of my eyelids as well as marry it?

—

Chapter Thirty-Six.

—

Post fuck our fave creep Henry Williamson watches Blossom shower and I wish that were me.

Oh he is smoking less look at him!

“He wondered if this could last forever.” Doubtful. A nice thought though. 

You’ve been here how many times and you only look around her room now? Alright. 

Of course you go for her underwear drawer you little freak of a man! 

Henry finds an envelope and in it a series of pictures of the bodies, of the crime scenes but they aren’t copies, oh no they are originals and very different from the ones he has seen previously.

A delectable little cut back showing Adam Hall from the start going to the woods for a run and Blossom following after him oh my God.

—

And just like that the book is over. It is, amazing, truly a gripping read even the second time. I noticed more, picked up on more and really loved it even more. Blossom being the real one behind all this is fantastic, well played and woven without it feeling shoved in your face or obvious and reading it now after the first time knowing she did it was a trip! This book is fantastic, I could read it over and over and I intend to! It plays like a movie, I love the characters and it is just phenomenal. I cannot recommend it enough. Seriously everyone needs to read this and then review it afterwards I am begging! Kate, this book is just, ugh, so special and something so different and I am just totally enamoured with it and you and how you write. In case this 8.6K document didn’t express that already. Thank you again so much for this story and now I can’t wait to read After The Lamb Bites Back!

[tddyhyck]

I’M SORRY THIS IS LIKE 700 WORDS, i don’t know how to shut up 😭😭😭😭 ok first. i didn't mean to make u feel bad for not replying “quickly enough”, just got worried that i might’ve said something weird ejsjdkwjsa. i’m glad that was not the case, and i am sorry i projected my insecurities onto u and hurried u 😭 that said, ur replies brought much joy. 😌

i have not seen the recording yet 😭 i’ve barely been able to watch anything 😞 i’m sure u’re more than “okay” with it, wink wonk, and yes omg,, truly so nice. U’RE EVIL… the “you” was such an unnecessary attack, u knew what u were doing with that 😭😭 (unless u don’t nd i read too much into it, like i often do 🫶🤪) our fruity fighter 🥺 our fruity fighter protecting us 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 why r u getting me so soft for him!

re: renjun. change ur mind from what.. am i forgetting something 😭 i love this though 🥳 i was reading something the other day and it went like “do u like renjun? are u a masochist?” and aurgh that hit,, idk what it is about him but something about him is so !!!!!!! 🥵 CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE PATTERN… NGTAHGHHGBGRGGAABNHNHNN i’m so normal. that’s such a gigantic brain idea u have.

i screamed when i saw u say “i don’t make the rules but i will enforce them” because in a totally unrelated thought i was thinking yesterday about how i’m the type who may not make the rules but follows them (sfw thought LMFAO) and it was so amusing to read what u wrote. BUT YEAH U’RE SO RIGHT… normalise panty stuffing ‼️ 😠

u can change font size by selecting the text and going through the million options tumblr gives, the little <s> button 🥰 but wahhhh okay i’m glad 🥺❤️

NAURRR the anime lover in me thought of that too when trains got mentioned 😭😭 except like. a cute version of that, let’s say hjsgshrjba. jeno doing god’s work <3 thank u for sharing ur beautiful thought with the world though, the song hasn’t left my head LMAO i haven’t even heard it in… 8 years?!

RIIIIIIIGHT U GET MEEEE, “doing everything to make u cry” RIGHT RIGHT… so many thoughts. like he does it because it makes him hard (going with ur headcanon of him) but he also does it cus he just wants to be mean so bad at first and not let u think he’s nice or anything… taking out all his anger on poor u. then he makes u cry because he wants to convince himself that he’s not falling for u. then he finally admits he’s whipped for u and both of u are crying lmaoooo

“he’s all grown up and obnoxious and breaks my heart 😭😭” WHY IS THIS SENDING MEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 the way u worded that is SO funny. also idk what u’re talking about because i read mean dom chenle in 2022 and i never went back to normal after that 💗🦋 i’m kidding, i get what u mean. he’s positively adorable in the best way. i keep having my dream phases every single year the past 4 years before i stop keeping up? (some context; i’m also rlly bad with consuming content from my favourite groups. more context; none of my friends are super into them so i just never get to Talk about them) but i feel i might finally be ready to commit 🤩 because i like this album so much and it made me feel A Lot.

re: lipgloss. that was NOT the image in my head but it is definitely an image i can work with 🤩🤩🤩🤩 he gives u a little kiss on the lips right after that.

thank uuuuu i’m doing okay 🥹 i hope u are too, and work isn’t being too tiring ❤️ (random but ur cousin post was so cute. u’re a nice cousin 😔 i hope ur cousin appreciates u! and they’re a funny little kid for the permission thing.)

~🪄

omg you didn’t rush me!! do not fret 🫶🏻🫶🏻

i hope u get to watch it soon it’s so good like one of my fav things is the recording bts jeno’s part ,,, was saur good ,, maybe i did add the you 🤭🤭

LOL i just meant if i thought of renjun and dumbification on a random afternoon i would be a changed person 🤭🤭 DO YOU LIKE RENJUN ARE U A MASOCHIST LMFAO,, those go hand in hand tbh thinking he has an album on his phone with just pics of your skin after some rope activities…

i miss him sm my little babie 🫳🫳🫳

omg anime lover i must know what you’re watching currently 🧐

oK but fwb!jeno who never gets mad so he keeps his anger all pent up and takes it out on you when you fuck,,, and it’s the best sex of your life lbr,,, like maybe he has a shit day at work and spilled his coffee and missed the bus and he texts you to link up and ,,, just ruins you GRRR but then he realizes he really goes over because you make him feel light and comfortable and it’s easy being with you,,, but he isn’t ready to admit it yet 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

he’s just annoying and pretty and obnoxious and talented and i want to enemies to lovers with him fr omg i know what you mean i have 1 kpop friend and she isn’t super into nct but she kinda keeps up for my sake but not to the point i do lol,,, def time to commit i am team commit to dream 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

he SO would smooch and pat you on the head 😵‍💫

work isn’t too bad! it’s our event season so a little busy but that’s better than being bored lol,, my cousin is so funny he’s 10 and i think he thinks i am too 🤣🤣

[daz4i]

here let me give you a tldr

Recurrent suicidal ideation or self harm.

duh. it's dazai

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

duh. it's dazai

^ can you believe i wrote like 2 whole pages abt these 2 points alone in my doc. incredible

(1) Markedly disturbed sense of identity and (2) distorted self-image.

1. the name of his ability is "no longer human" (more accurate translation is "disqualified from being human") i don't think it's that big of a stretch to say he has Issues™ with his identity (also given how he practically changes his personality and behavior in often extreme ways for the people around him . yeah)

2. girl he is literally always covered in bandages (i can't say that's the reason but given we don't have any other one. no harm in theorizing when it helps my very serious and important tumblr post)

Impulsive or reckless behaviors (e.g., impulsive or uncontrollable spending, unsafe sex, substance use disorders, reckless driving, binge eating).

duh. it's dazai

fr tho i can't say this for certain (esp the "impulsive" part) but. one of the first times we see him - at least in the anime - is when he's high (i don't think i need to explain why his suicide attempts are bogus, i doubt this wasn't on purpose). we see him drink relatively often, esp compared to other characters, and his likes literally list "alcohol". also, these shots from his dorm from when he avoided going back to work after being kidnapped, supposedly not more than a few days really:

i will say tho. mad respect for only eating one thing. autistic king also

(edit: actually from my own experience + other ppl with bpd i met most of us have sensory issues - it's not a symptom, more like a very common thing - so it might even be a part of that!)

Transient, stress-related paranoid or severe dissociative symptoms.

i can't say anything abt dissociation, but his paranoia is def there even if he's relatively subtle about it lol. having 300 backup plans for anything your enemy can pull isn't normal. setting up traps preparing for a possible fight or disaster (see: the entire guild arc) isn't normal. no one else in the ada does that. even when we see him making strategies with ranpo, he's the one thinking up options and possibilities - he is on constant high alert and prepared to be attacked. you may say it's for a good reason which is fair i will not lie. but again this is why i bring up the comparison to the other ada members. he is clearly more paranoid and overprepared than they are, this is abnormal

also let me turn you to story's lovely post about what might be re-triggering this thought process for him bc i love this analysis sm 🖤

Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as "splitting"

god i wish i could find the post where i mentioned this but. imo. that's part of(!!!) his dynamic with chuuya. i feel like esp in their interactions in the current day you can see him zigzagging between commenting on how much he hates chuuya - iirc only as a reaction to chuuya saying the same thing - and then admiring him the next minute, when chuuya isn't there to hear

him getting attached super quickly, telling him he loves him one day after meeting him, that's such a bpd thing lol 😭 i can maybe let it slide bc he was 15 but like . yeah that's not normal even for a 15 y/o. and again immediately switching to being... vitriolic, after chuuya's negative responses, and being obsessed with hurting him later on ("i spent the last 7 years thinking of ways to kill chuuya" or however that quote goes. girl please go on mood stabilizers)

if you've heard the term fp before you might be familiar with this, but tldr it's that person you hold as the one most important to you, the one with your self esteem and general wellbeing in their hands whether they know or not. if they fail to give you attention or validation as you expect, you might respond by attacking them, acting coldly, wanting to hurt them etc. do i need to go on

(i know a lot of people insist that he's just. lying. and that's fair! i personally disagree - yeah he's not 100% honest but imo there is a kernel of truth to his hate. it just doesn't negate the love and attachment that are there as well, and i'd dare even say feeds into them, and one can't exist without the other. also like on a factual level chuuya is in his dislikes list and idk how you'd lie on a meta level like this askljdfgh so this is my offer for WHY he's there, beyond actual meta stuff like the relationship between their irl counterparts)

bonus: for beast dazai that's 100% odasaku. if my fp rejected me this badly i too would throw myself off a building 👍 (fr tho that's also a possible response. not an outward reaction, but an inward one, attacking yourself for their lack of attention or validation)

these are just the ones i have off the top of my head. with hcs and theories you could probably get into the other symptoms as well (esp with beast dazai. he's the biggest bpd icon i've ever seen fr)

hope you enjoyed my slightly unhinged rambling 🫡 have a great day!

me continuing my bpd dazai analysis trying to phrase anything that isn't "dazai has bpd bc i said so" when my brain is as tired and messy as it is right now

i don't have a reaction pic here. imagine me looking frustrated and tired on my computer

[baronfulmen]

Why you should clear your brain’s cache and cookies

A Rant About Shrooms, AI Art, Trauma, and Appreciating Life

Hey look at this image.  You shouldn’t trust evolutionary psychology people because it’s often Just So Stories people make up, but that doesn’t mean we should throw out the baby with the bath water so let’s talk about the evolutionary importance of ✨PATTERN RECOGNITION ✨

Okay so the tiger in the picture above is trying to hide so it can eat us, and we’re trying to see it so we can avoid being eaten.  Great.  Cool.  That means there’s a VERY important part of our brains that has evolved to look at noisy images and play “find the tiger”.  (It works for non-visual stuff too, we’ll get to that.)

This is also how AI-generated art works, basically.  You give a computer some random static and then say “somewhere in this image is [insert prompt], find it” and it tries very hard to do so, like when you point out shapes in clouds to someone.

Our brains work via committee, so the part that’s doing that kind of pattern recognition and visual processing isn’t really any smarter than something like Google Deep Dream which you can hand a picture of some dude and say “FIND THE DOGS” and it’ll give you this:

People have compared images like the one above to being on shrooms and, having now taken shrooms for the first time I can say I get the comparison.  What’s important, though, is WHY this seems to be the case.  So far as I can tell (I’ll say this disclaimer once, I am some random dude on Tumblr and this is an anecdote, not scientific data - your experiences and brain chemistry may vary, do your research, I am not endorsing anything illegal, etc.) what happens on shrooms isn’t you being high, in the traditional sense.

Some drugs interfere with your perception and processing of the world.  That’s what I was expecting, and for a moment it’s what I thought I was getting.  But instead, I think what the shrooms did was delete my brain’s config file.

So now you’ve lost all the built up definitions and stored patterns, and you look at the walls and your brain no longer knows if there’s something important in all the detail.  Is there a tiger hiding in there?  WHO KNOWS!  And it takes all those little swirls and textures in the plaster or paint and starts over-processing all of it looking for patterns.  This means you don’t so much “come down” from being high, but finish re-calibrating.  At some point your brain is all, “Hey I’ve determined that’s just a normal texture for the ceiling to have, I’m not going to look that closely anymore”.

Okay but what does that have to do with trauma and appreciating life?

So glad you asked, hypothetical reader.

As I mentioned above, it’s not just visual stuff that we look for patterns in.  From an evolutionary standpoint it’s super valuable to be able to say “hey I ate that plant and then got sick, those are probably related and I shouldn’t eat that anymore”.  But there’s two big problems with that.  The first is that as with the visual processing that one part of your brain on its own isn’t smart.  It’s an algorithm, not an entire brain, so it fucks up sometimes.

I know a guy that couldn’t check his mail, because he’d been in really bad debt for a while and the fear of losing his home and the hounding by debt collectors  traumatized him so badly that his brain said “Man every time we look at the stuff that comes in the mail we get SO UPSET!  Better avoid looking at mail!” which meant when someone put envelopes down on top of the groceries (meaning he’d have to pick up what might be bills to get to the food) he found himself thinking “maybe I should just order pizza” even though he knew how stupid that was.  Trauma is a bitch, y’all.

The other thing is that sometimes the pattern was valid but is simply no longer useful.  The context has changed, and now it’s getting in the way rather than helping... but your brain doesn’t have a reset button.  Well, not a built-in one... but turns out this shit does the trick:

This is a PB&J&M sandwich I ate yesterday.  Ignore the chipped plate.  It made me feel kinda queasy all day, and at first I was disappointed.  I felt a little floaty and wobbly and things did start to look a little interesting, and I was having a nice time, but it wasn’t the mind-blowing experience I’d been hoping for.  And then the shrooms finished deleting all my stored patterns.

You know that stoner thing where they’re like “dude this cat is, like, so soft.  Why can’t we all just love each other and pet cats?” and you roll your eyes at them?  Yeah, well, the thing to know is that’s not them being stoned, that’s them seeing the world with a fresh perspective and realizing that, yeah, cats ARE soft and we don’t appreciate that enough and man why CAN’T we just relax and love each other?

In other words, it’s not distorting your perception - it’s resetting it.  You get to experience that wonder and joy of seeing things for the first time, and it’s lovely.  There are so many details that your brain files away as unimportant - it’s busy checking for tigers, who cares about appreciating the grass?  I had a great talk with my daughter (side disclaimer, she’s an adult and I was totally lucid by then and I cleared it with my designated babysitter first) and got to really see her as an adult for the first time.  Kids grow up a little at a time and it’s wild to be able to wipe out the “yeah, yeah, that’s your kid, you know what they look like” thing and SEE them, see how they’ve grown and what they really look like as a whole adult person.

I also realized I wasn’t being fair with her.  She’s had issues I won’t go into here, she’s done some dangerous or irresponsible shit like most kids have and I was still filled with parental anxiety about that and was viewing her through that filter.  What is she up to?  Is she acting squirrely?  She hasn’t been home for a few days and now she’s all manic, is she safe?  Is she fucking up?  Am I fucking up by letting her fuck up?

And with that filter erased, I could see... she’s a good kid.  She’s manic because she has ADHD and decided she doesn’t want to take meds.  She has some issues, but she’s an adult now and those aren’t my business anymore; those are now her adult issues that she can work on in her own time and her own way.  I can finally look at her as... not a peer, she’s still my kid, but as a complete adult person that I don’t need to fix and can just love and support.

It’s like Marie Kondo came into my brain and was like “hey does this pattern you’re viewing everything through spark joy?  No?  Okay let’s thank it for its service and send it on its way.”

And this is why people use shrooms to treat trauma.  I’m not saying it’s a magic cure-all, I’m not saying that it will work for everyone, but... man it’s pretty great to clear things out.  That sense of wonder and appreciation is already fading, but it’s not that the shrooms are wearing off - the wipe was an event not a condition - it’s just the normal process of my brain filing things away as “not a tiger” and ignoring them again.

It’s like those power washing videos.  You scour off the accumulated grime, and then the grime starts to build up again but at least you get it nice and clean for now and were reminded that, hey, that can look pretty nice.  I can see why people say not to do them too often, as wonderful as my experience was there just wouldn’t be a point in doing it again right away.  Maybe in a few months, who knows.

Final thoughts and warnings

I was queasy the whole day, longer than most people seem to experience.  It didn’t bother me much, I never felt like I was in danger of throwing up although I know people who have.  If you’re worried about it there are ways around that, it’s caused by the actual mushrooms rather than the active chemicals so you can (supposedly) make a sort of tea and strain out the actual mushroom bits. 

I tried watching some of those trippy videos, and that was a mistake.  There was too much visual stimulation and the disconnect of “wait it looks like we’re flying through a psychedelic landscape of fractals but it feels like we’re just sitting in a chair” made me feel antsy and uncomfortable.  Turns out it’s better to just look at something fairly boring and let your brain over-analyze it.

Have a babysitter.  My wonderful supportive wife was mine, and I ended up not needing one but frankly that might be my own strange brain.  I’ve always had a strong separation between the main “thinking” part of my brain and the rest, so there wasn’t really any chance I would mistake my altered state for normal life.  Better safe than sorry though, especially at first.

Do your research.  Don’t go for the highest dose you can in search of some crazy trip - the best thing is the mental refresh, not seeing the walls move.  I took 3.5g, just for reference.

Plan for it to take up your whole day AND to be kinda tired the day after.  Think of it like taking a sick day, you’re going to want to spend most of the time just laying back and dozing on the couch.

Be in a good mood, and a place that makes you feel good.  Lots of people suggest being out in nature, I can imagine that would be really nice.

Be extremely cautious when combining shrooms with other things.  Don’t do it on purpose - it’s not needed, I promise - and do your research if you’re on anti depressants because while it seems mostly safe there’s theoretically a chance of having a bad interaction like serotonin syndrome.  My own research has implied that’s probably not an actual concern but I’m just some guy on Tumblr and you shouldn’t trust me.

Don’t use drugs if you’re under 20, don’t do illegal stuff, don’t blame me if you fuck yourself up.  I will not under any circumstances assist anyone in obtaining shrooms.  All I’ll say is they’re legal in some places and if you don’t live in one of those places you’re on your own.  While they do grow naturally in some places, so do mushrooms that will fucking kill you - and it can be hard to tell the difference.  Don’t eat random mushrooms, ever.

[1bringthesun]

okay i do NOT know how tumblr works so i’m making this new post bcuz someone commented about the Mori comment i made last post so basically i’ll go over a crash course on why i don’t think he’s a pedo!

1) he calls Elise his wife

yup, he says this in an omake of bsd. however, the word he uses in this context is 妻 (tsuma), which is used to mean wife NOW, but meant something more along the lines of “lifelong partner” in the past. he’s being a screwy bastard and trying to toy with Fukuzawa by using a word that means either “wife” or “partner,” but basically he’s trying to see how far he can take it. calling a kid your wife is strange, sure, but calling a kid your partner could really mean anything.

2) he sees Elise naked

tbh i’m not really sure why this one proves anything. he’s trying to put clothes ON her, not take them off. he doesn’t look aroused or anything. actually, he looks… no thoughts brain empty. there’s not a single thought in that head of his at this moment, much less any sexual comments about Elise’s body.

3) Elise is based off of Yosano, Mori was obsessed with Yosano

once again, there’s nothing inherently sexual here. he abused Yosano (not with the intention to hurt her, but with the idea that her mental and physical well-being were a worthy sacrifice for the hundreds of thousands of other lives on the line), he didn’t prey on her? he canonically feels remorseful over Dazai’s lack of will to live, so it’s not too much of a stretch to say he has regrets about Yosano as well. in that case, Elise would represent the petulant and innocent attitude Yosano could have developed instead of her hardened views of the world. i think he sees Elise as a daughter, and i think he regrets not being able to treat Yosano as one either

4) “i prefer those 12 and under”

i’m foggy on the details, but he says something to that effect in a conversation with Kouyou. The context is that she’s calling him a capable boss, to which he replies, “i prefer my subordinates to be younger” (or something…). once again, this isn’t something that strikes me as inherently pedophilic. he likes young subordinates because they are weak and impressionable, and that sort of docile attitude just so happens to fit in well with his pastime of mansplain manipulate malewifing the yokohama underground. anyway, it’s nothing sexual. his organization literally human traffics, and he’s never once stepped in to do strange things to the children on their way to be sold. he couldn’t care less about them, he just wants smart yet dependent and naive underlings. also anyone who read this scene as them flirting is very ill-read in my opinion. they are not flirting. stick your shipping agenda back into fanon interpretation of characters. Mori and Kouyou are girlbossing the entirety of the port mafia together, but they’re not girbossing each other.

5) his character sheet

his character sheet does indeed have “young girls” in the likes category, but let me amend this- the words used are 幼女, aka “maiden.” you might say, “tai, japanese doesn’t differentiate singulars and plurals,” to which i reply, “have we seen him even interacting with woman out of his job?” the answer is no. he basically speaks to Elise and Kouyou, and there’s his female companionship. he’s married to his job, guys. he doesn’t have the time to frolic around with young women. but anyway, it doesn’t say “young girls,” it says “maiden(s)” so just take the plurality in the translation with a grain of salt. it could be referring to one single girl (Elise cough cough) (his daughter cough cough). also please ignore how astoundingly high res this image is.

6) Mori and fukuzawa’s argument

who’s surprised at this point when i say that this was also a mistranslation? not me! Mori says something to the effect of, “are you still fawning over stray cats?” to which Fukuzawa replies “and are you fawning over that girl still?” it was translated, for some inconceivable reason, as “only as much as you fawn over young girls” (or something) which i just don’t understand. yenpress, look me in the eye, this is not you. anyway zenki soukoku beloved.

7) letter to nathaniel

Mori plans on killing nathaniel and margret in the guild arc, right? so he has absolutely zero reason to lie when he sends them a letter saying “i want your ship and also you guys’ lives. thanks uwu” right ????? in the official translation in that letter, he calls Elise his child. idk how much more specific you can get there, chief. Elise is Mori’s daughter, your honor.

is this all i have to say? absolutely not. i could talk my head off about why Mori isn’t a pedo for ages, and i can connect it to “vita sexualis,” “the dancing girl,” Asagiri’s own opinion on Ougai’s legacy as an author and general, the irl Mori and Yosano’s relationship in comparison to the bsd version, and also the opinions of the fans in different languaged-fanbases. unfortunately, it’s way too early for my brain to function, and i now depart to feel the warm embrace of my very own Yoshiko chan. goodbye, tumblr, and i hope you agree with what i’ve said in this long-winded message~~