#I think the meaning behind me! is much different than how people perceive it and she’s a GOOD SONG

[doesntseeyourbeauty]

on the four year anniversary of lover, I wanted to highlight some of my favourite songs from the album and some of my favourite moments from the lover era!!! let’s go 💖

starting with songs, my top 3 from lover are: cruel summer, afterglow, and daylight (ithk is #4)

a song I love but makes me cry: soon you’ll get better

my favourite single from lover: me!

fav music video: lover

fav mv outfit: the monique lhuillier dress from me!

the best bridge on lover: cruel summer

a song that I love but gets a lot of flack: i forgot that you existed

fav dyed tips that taylor did: pink (she looked sooo cute)

fav live performance: the 2019 amas

fav red carpet look: the iheart radio music awards

fav interview: cbs sunday morning

lover was such a special album to me and more than anything, I’m so happy to wish it a very happy 4 years, I can’t imagine my life without it 🫶🏻

[glitter-stained]

I always feel like a little sad seeing posts about how Jason's character is inherently tragic and that's what makes it good, how him being unloved, a tragic consequence of his own actions, is inevitable, and how that shouldn't change because any change on that regard is a fundamental misunderstanding of his character. Yes, Under the Hood is a tragedy. Yes, Jason survived and for a long time people have been pretty confused at what to do with the character that survives the tragic ending. That doesn't mean he should continue to be trapped in the tragedy, that there's only value in him as long as he's unloved. And maybe that's me preaching and being a party pooper again but the idea that the teenage-to-young adult character with a mental illness that has damaged all his relationships is doomed to be lonely and have bad/upended relationships forever, that he's only good as a character as long as he's hurting others and/or himself (and usually both) and isolated because of this... It's sad, at the very least. I refuse the presumption that tragedies are the only stories wise and worth telling.

Also I personally really dislike the idea that Jason isn't and shouldn't be anyone's favourite, because he made himself nobody's favourite on purpose. Did he make himself a villain on purpose? Fuck yeah. Does any of his early attempts at reaching out to people hurt them? Indubitably. I maintain that this is because he wants to be someone's favourite as he is, at his worst, with his hands covered in blood. And I think he should be. (Without contradicting or damaging, by comparison, the relationships between other characters, that's the tightrope we need to be weary of when making such things, of course.)

It's like this: love, in most relationships, is conditional: you don't owe your friend or your partner to continue to love them if the relationship changes, if you change, if you become violent etc. If my girlfriend started murdering puppies, I would stop loving her. Ideally, however a parent's love for their child is unconditional. That's very often unfortunately not the case, but ideally it'd be, it's really not great for a kid to have zero parents that love them unconditionally. And most importantly, it's not just about actual unconditional love, it's about it being perceived. So it doesn't matter in the debate if Bruce actually loves Jason in spite of the murder, it matters that Jason asks for confirmation of it at the end of UTH and receives a negative answer. (similar arguments to be made about Catherine loving Jason and dying of drug overdose and Willis going to jail and dying - it's the potential perceived abandonment of it that would matter, not their agency and actual love. And it's not a question of whether he would be angry at it so much as that he'd yearn and hurt for it. And of course Sheila didn't love him at all.) That's why he, upon learning about Mia and reaching previously unknown to man levels of projection*, tries to rally her with the hope that, because she's "so similar to him" she would understand him. That's why upon learning about Dick "killing" Blockbuster Jason, again projecting more violently than a bullet, Jason makes Dick into his new favourite person (god, the concept behind BiB has so much potential why did it have to suck so bad...) Anyway, Jason to me is a character with a very intense, very overwhelming conception of love both in who he loves and how, who struggles to understand that other people love and show it differently, and it makes so much sense for him to keep looking for a person who will love him unconditionally (something that's both very rare and not necessarily healthy since, again, most relationships aside from parent-child relationships do not and probably should not include unconditional love). This is particularly interesting in the context of him having bpd (again, using bpd because i'm focusing on the interpersonal dimension that's been mostly studied within that frame) because BPD often functions around a vicious circle of "is afraid of rejection/abandonment -> does maladaptive behaviour in attempt to prevent rejection/abandonment OR protect oneself by being the one to leave first" which is what leads to the instability in relationships. It's a doomed prophecy: i have maladaptive patterns that make me think my girlfriend is gonna leave me at any time, I keep demanding to see her phone, assuming she's cheating everytime she leaves and thus demonizing her even though I was glorifying her five minutes earlier" then she's going to leave me, which is gonna reinforce my thought pattern that everyone always leaves me. But that also means that in rare instances in which the other person in the interact, for whichever reason, sticks around through that, then these incorrect thought patterns begin to change through the sheet logic of extinction: if i think that people always leave me because of something fundamentally wrong with me and people don't leave then eventually the idea that people are doomed to abandon/reject me is going to lose its power. That's, btw, an important part of why therapy works.

(*that one's a joke, btw. He's not projecting onto mia and dick to levels impossible to mankind, just pretty intensely. Very human levels of projection, might I add'. Just to clarify.)

Now, be mindful: I'm not saying make Jason an abusive boyfriend. I'm not saying put him in a relationship where the other stays because they're afraid of him, that's not unconditional love or acceptance that's just fear. Of course, the ideal version of it would be Jason goes to therapy but because dc hates me specifically this is never gonna happen, but imagine him being in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with someone who is as intense and "unwell" about him as he is about them. I'm not saying it would fix him (again, get him so goddamn therapy jfc) but it would change him. And just as it doesn't have to be healthy it doesn't have to be tragic.

I was asked a while ago my thoughts on Jason's current stagnancy as a character and if I thought he could become interesting again, and I said yes and talked about the directions I dream would be explored with his character and their potential. My answer hasn't changed, and it's completely compatible with this, but I will add: I think Jason as a character has largely and for long enough been defined through his yearning to be somebody's favourite, and that if you want his mode of interacting with others and dynamic with different characters to change then this is a very logical way to do it. And it would make a lot of sense for it to be the catalyst for other changes in his character (ie in his name or philosophy).

Get that boy into a super intense long-term codependent situationship, is what I'm saying. Please.

[tarotofhope]

PAC: Self-Care Tips For Your Own Well Being

(Please Read My Pinned post *IMPORTANT NOTE* before selecting a Pile)

Pick an Image by meditating and selecting the image you feel called to. You can be attracted towards more than 1 image. If you are not able to select maybe this reading isn't for you.

Pile 1:

Cards: Father Of Wands, The Hermit And Politics- 7 Of Swords.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 1. Beware of snakes in your own garden. You need to stay away from people who are controlling, manipulating, taking advantage of you, those who are not grateful for you being there for them. It also seems like you're not able to tell good people from bad ones, because of this, you might also sometimes have a wrong judgement of certain people. Your self care tip would be to keep yourself away and safe from people who seem to be your friend/good towards you, but is actually a backbiter. Some may be rude towards you openly as well, people/friends/family who use you or talk to you only when they want something from you and then they leave you, people who always treat you as a second option or a bystander. So, the card 'Politics' which is the '7 of Swords' card in tarot fits well here because people might be playing politics with you, backstabbing you, tricking you and what not. I'm also hearing defame, so, for a few of you, it could be that you're a popular person, famous for your work, and some people whom you consider friends might actually be slandering you behind your back. One advice is, try to observe certain patterns in people's behaviour, try to observe closely and decide for yourself. See, I'm not trying to scare you. It's just what I felt from the cards.

So I wish you good luck. Love, Light, Peace and Hope to you.

Pile 2:

Cards: 6 Of Wands, Ace Of Swords and Morality-Queen Of Swords.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 2.

You're someone who is in the process of awakening. Your intuition is at point, you're hunches are mostly correct. You're aware of your body needs, what it likes and what it doesn't, your mind and soul. People might perceive you as awkward, weird or they might also think that you're out of your mind, irrational even, but it is so because you have unique thoughts and ideas. Let them have their own perceptions. You just need to know that you don't need to fit in. Your ideas are gold, don't let others let you down. You just need to keep standing out and fight to remain there. You feel like executing a weird plan/business idea or project, do it. Fight for your passions. Your words, yes, your words have a lot of positive effect(either written or oral), speak them, write them, live them. Fight until you succeed, it's not going to be easy but it's going to be worth all the effort.

So I wish you good luck. Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Pile 3:

Cards: Death, The Emperor and Awareness-The Chariot.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 3.

I can see 2 phases here. It's going to be different for everybody. 1st phase is, some beloved one of yours, someone very close to you might have passed away, so you feel like the world has come to eat you, you feel so small, like this is the end of the world but no my dear, let me tell you one thing, only if you allow the universe and open up your heart shall you receive something better. Remember that change is essential no matter how heart breaking or soul wrenching. You need to grow physically, mentally and emotionally. Your life needs a lot more organisation, de-cluttering and changes here and there. Your body is your home, if you don't try to heal yourself, if you resist change, you'll not be able to function properly in the long term. 2nd phase is, you went through a huge glow up, you took care of your body and your mental health. Somehow, you look much better, much healthier, meaning you already went through change and put the required effort. You are much calmer and serene now. If you've gone through this phase, nobody would be able to break you.

So, that was all. I wish you good luck. Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Pile 4:

Cards: 9 Of Wands, The Moon, Breakthrough-Justice.

Welcome to your reading, Pile 4. It seems like you've got a lot of trust issues, my dear pile 4. You've build a wall around you and you don't let people in. You might be secretive and don't like to expose yourself in the fear that people might harm you or take advantage of you. You might also be very picky and have very few people that are very close to you. This all could be due to a heartbreak for some people while others are like that by nature. Someone here is also rejecting proposals and not giving love a chance. For a few of you, I'm also hearing guilt, you might also carry a guilt within you, it could be a past mistake, a wrong decision, a fault, a lie or anything which had harmed you or anybody else. Forgiveness is necessary, for yourself and others. There is a lack of balance here but you need to know that you will be fine. Not everybody is here to hurt you, so you can open up and as far as guilt is concerned, do things which bring positivity in yours and others' lives. Help people as much as you can. Fill the void. Be that hope for somebody, a helping hand for another and so on.

So, that's all.

I wish you good luck.

Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Pile 5:

Cards: 10 Of Cups Reverse, The Moon, Stress- 7 Of Wands.

Welcome to your reading Pile 5. You seem to want to have everything under your own control, which is not healthy either for you or others. You are either over-protective or very possessive or both. There is a lack of balance. You need to calm down a bit and let go of things because the universe has not burdened only you to take all the responsibilities of yourself and others as well. So, start surrendering things to the universe/God/ whatever power you believe in. It might be like a strong urge to do things by yourself and not taking the help of others. For some of you, this could also be a toxic habit of imposing your way of doing things on others/deciding for others unnecessarily even when not asked for. This pile especially needs to meditate a lot. Looks like you guys have strong leadership qualities which is a really good thing but using authoritative power correctly is very important. Some of you also have a habit of clinging to toxic people/your own possessions, which needs to be changed. I'm getting very maternal/nurturing energy from your pile. Remember it's an energy that I'm talking about which applies to both the genders. You're like mommy/daddy of your friend group. If this is not you then this could be your parent or your guardian. Either way, this habit needs to be controlled and balanced, even if you're the victim of such issues, you need to talk to that other person and create your own healthy boundaries.

So, this was all I got.

I wish you good luck. Love, light, peace and hope to you.

Thank you so much for being here. I post PAC readings every Tuesday and Friday. Do love and support by reblogging, liking or following.

———————————♡ ♡ ♡———————————

[vxperorchist]

Can I request, s/o ask for Intimidation act/ tips, (Cyno, Xiao, Tartaglia) they want to learn how to make a stone cold face/or a glare to scare of mens that won't leave them alone, but s/o failed miserably end up looking cute instead of intimidating.

Intimidation Act! (Cyno, Xiao, Tartaglia X Gn! Reader)

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Mentions of being harassed?

I love this request so much bro it's so cute

I saw it and I was like "oh absolutely"

AND I am so sorry this took forever to upload. I was kind of in a slump BUT I'm back!

Cyno

Cyno was quite literally known for his expression, he seemed so intimidating to those who didn't know him. Luckily for you, you knew him better than anyone, and you knew how easy it was to get past his stone cold expression.

"Hey Cyno, you're always told how intimidating you look. How do I look intimidating as well?" You asked, hovering around him in your shared house.

You slung your arms over his shoulders from behind, wrapping them around his chest.

He turned his head to you, he had never thought of how he actually managed to look intimidating, as it wasn't his intention. His eyes were blank with thought.

"I'm not sure, it comes naturally for me I suppose."

He admitted blandly, no help to you whatsoever. "My demeanor probably isn't desirable; people have deemed me unapproachable." He frowned, recalling his multiple instances of people being scared of him.

"Well General Mahamatra, I think people just need to get past that demeanor of yours to see how sweet you truly are, however, I want that intimidating demeanor."

He scoffed at the name you called him and your stubbornness for something so dumb, like being intimidating. "Just frown more." He suggested, but just doing that wouldn't make you scary, just mean looking.

"Oh! I'll lock eye contact too, it makes people nervous." You added, trying the method onto your boyfriend. You ended up keeping a straight face and staring at him in the eyes. It ended up making you more nervous then anything.

"Your eyes are too pretty to be scary." He commented, smiling at you as he was maintaining eye contact with you so easily, almost as if he was reading your every thought.

He stood there with his arms crosses, shoulders pulled back and head angled. You had made many observations on him, but it was hard to copy him without looking stupid.

He seemed so effortlessly good at it as the two of you stood there for a solid few seconds, staring each other down. You came out the loser in the silent intimidation battle, your cheeks warming as he watched your every move.

"Is there a reason as to why you're trying to copy me?" He asked genuinely, readjusting his posture to be much less intimidating.

"I don't know, the merchants around Caravan Ribat make me uncomfortable sometimes, I wish they were scared of me so they wouldn't talk to me." You looked up at him, knowing most people in the desert would avoid his gaze and presence.

"Do you have names? I can make sure they're taken care of and never look at you again." His demeanor shifted to that of your gentle boyfriend, to that of his duty as Mahamatra.

"I'll be okay." You laughed at his protectiveness. Dehya already had everything covered, and always had a protective eye over you.

"I'll make sure I go with you next time, if you can't scare them off, I most certainly will." He placed a light kiss to your forehead, ending off your night.

Xiao

Xiao in many ways, was utterly terrifying. Even you were admittedly scared of him when the two of you had first met. He knew how he acted, and he paid no mind to how people perceived him. The only opinion that really mattered to him was yours.

He noticed you had been acting different as of recently. He knew your every mannerism, he was amazingly observant, and could tell when something was off.

"You're underestimating Adepti if you think I can't tell when something is different about you. What is it?"

He was onto you. You weren't acting entirely different, but a slight shift into anything revolving around you would go noticed by your adeptus.

"Your interactions are changing. Why is that?" He asked blandly. You knew how he acted and how he felt were two different things. You could understand his concern, but he would never show it.

You were scared to mention what was actually troubling you as of recently. He waited patiently for a response as you hesitated to tell him what was going on.

"I've just been bothered by a few locals. They keep harassing me in a way and I tried to take after you, I asked myself what would you do, but you don't even get harassed! People are scared of you, so I tried to copy your mannerisms."

He wanted to smile at your confession, but he couldn't put aside the part you mentioned being harassed. He was naturally protective over you, and this had really sent him over the edge.

"Where are they?" He asked, keeping everything straight to the point. He didn't need to know anything more, and even if you didn't tell him, he would find out himself.

"Xiao, it's really fine." You tried arguing with him, but it was no use. You brushed his hand lightly, it didn't go unnoticed, but he had a goal.

The next morning, he returned to you, with acts of service being his love language, he came back with a new set of flowers set on your desk.

You were upset he disappeared last night, but he was a free spirit you couldn't control.

"What happened last night?" You asked him, scared of the answer you would receive.

"I dealt with the worthless individuals." He replied blunt as ever, standing in your doorframe.

"If you ever run into trouble like that, you're supposed to call my name." You sighed, you knew you should have, but didn't want to trouble him with something like that.

"Can you teach me how to be less approachable?"

"I'm not a teacher."

You had your answer, and he was stubborn.

If he wouldn't be your teacher, you would teach yourself. You kept copying his mannerisms, and he'd roll his eyes every time he caught you doing it.

He thought it was cute, but would never admit that to you, a mortal.

At the end of the day when the two of you came back to each other and you could let your guard down, he loved seeing your smile more than anything. It brought him light to the dark life he lived.

Childe

Tartaglia was both one of the least intimidating people you knew, and most. He had his moments he could turn up the heat, making his subordinates weak in the knees, but you also knew him as the sweet, gentle, boy he could also be.

He tried his best to hide his harbinger side from you, as that wasn't your burden to deal with, but it was a part of him you couldn't ignore.

You couldn't ignore the way some of his subordinates looked at you when you were around him while he was working. Their stares made you uncomfortable, and you could hear them whispering disturbing things under their breath.

They should have known much better then to talk about a harbingers partner, as they had worked out for absolutely no one.

Tartaglia was observant, but a little oblivious to the situation, and you had tried your best to ignore it as well. You tried the tactic of an RBF, which only worked a little bit.

"It's like you're taking after me, I see the way you look at my subordinates, I've never seen you look so intimidating!" He was just a little dense.

"They make me uncomfortable." You admitted finally, and he stopped dead in his tracks as the two of you were talking while sparring.

"What do you mean? Have they done something?" He put his bow away quickly and walked over to you, caught off guard by the new information.

"Its's nothing I can't handle; they've just been staring and what not."

"Who?" He asked, almost sounding like a demand. He caught himself before he got snappy, taking a deep inhale.

You giggled at his reaction, running a hand through his hair. "Like I said, nothing I couldn't handle."

"They're still alive, so they weren't handled." He removed your hand from his hair, kissing it as he released it.

"Point them out to me, and I'll keep them after training next time."

You knew he wouldn't hesitate to harm, or even kill someone for you, but would he do it to his own subordinate?

Long story short, the group that had made you uncomfortable were never seen again under Tartaglia's supervision.

A few weeks later, he had started subtly advising you on ways to intimidate someone. Between eye contact, posture, and manipulation, intimidation was one of the many things he had been trained on as a harbinger.

He'd watch as you had started to copy him, standing by his side standing as tall as you could, (even if you weren't very tall.)

He was proud of himself for teaching you so well, and proud of you for learning. You weren't very scary, but he knew he was, so regardless, people would be scared if they saw him by your side.

You'd exclaim to him excitedly when his subordinates would avoid your eye contact, but in reality, he had threatened them. He loved the way you'd light up, and if all he had to do was threatened his snotty subordinates, he'd do it a million times over.

[official-sonic-team]

my suggestion for a oneshot would be sonic and knuckles having a heart to heart about what sonic's appearance on the ruin walls meant for knuckles growing up alone

“Ah ha! Found you!”

Knuckles jerks back into a fighting stance, spines prickled, fists raised. Intruders rarely managed to get past the defense system, so this one must be a large threat to have evaded every single one, and manage to sneak up on him!

“Woah-ho! Did I manage to sneak up on the great guardian of Angel Island and it’s precious Master Emerald?”

Knuckles relaxes. It’s just this jerk again. “Sonic, I told you to warn me before you showed up. One of these days you’re going to get skewed on one of my traps and I’m going to laugh at you.”

“You’re just mad that I’m too fast for any of those traps to catch me!”

“How did you find me, anyway?”

“Oh, you always seem to be down here.”

Here was the hidden palace. The dilapidated ruin had been long rumored to have been the home of the chief of the Knuckles clan for generations before their ruin. It was one of the better preserved pieces of architecture on Angel Island, and Knuckles had spent many lonely nights beneath the roof of this place, when rain or snow or other temperamental weather shooed him from his usual shrine.

“What does that mean?” Knuckles mutters, feeling oddly defensive. It was sometimes odd to be reminded that his friends noticed his habits, his behaviors. Even after all this time, it was strange to be perceived, to know that people thought of him even when he wasn’t around. 

“Just noticed that you tend to hole away here whenever you’re not at the main shrine.” Sonic shrugs. “I don’t get the appeal, personally. Would much rather be outside, napping under the sun.”

“I don’t nap. I’m a vigilant guardian of the most sacred and powerful artifact man has ever learned the existence of.”

“Uh huh,” Sonic teases. “Right. And I’m the king of the Kingdom of Acorn.”

“Oh, shut it!”

Knuckles turns away from him, back to facing the mural he had been studying. Perhaps that had been a bad move, for it reminded him of his earlier thoughts. The mural of a blue creature surrounded by gold attacking a mustached creature who had captured the Master Emerald. 

“What are you doing here, anyway?”

“Oh, I wanted to make sure I knew how to fly a plane. Borrowed the Tornado, did a few barrel rolls, and realized I was nearby.”

Knuckles snorts. “Is it borrowing if the plane was originally yours?”

“Oh, you and I both know it belongs to Tails. Even if I wanted it back, he’s not going to be letting go of it anytime soon.” Sonic hums, placing his hands behind his head as he stands directly next to Knuckles. “What do you do down here, anyway? Feels like you’re always here.”

Knuckles frowns. “I… like to reread the ancient scripture that accompanies these murals. I’ve read them a thousand times already, but… I suppose it just helps me feel connected to my ancestors.”

Sonic hums. “So the Knuckles Clan made this?”

Knuckles crosses his arms. “Yes. It’s a similar style to many of their other carvings.”

“Do you think there’s anything on this island that once belonged to the Ancients?”

That was certainly a thought Knuckles had chewed on for a long while. When he had been a child on this island, and had begun to properly hone his skills in artifacts and manuscripts, he had noticed parts of Angel Island’s ruins often appeared… mismatched. He simply assumed there had been a civilization before the echidnas that lived on this island, who may have even inspired the echidnas in their own culture and religion. The statues in Hydrocity, for instance, had always bothered him as being stylistically different than much of the other stylized statues the Knuckles Clan would create, and he wondered on occasion if they influenced the mural they were currently staring at.

“There’s a lot of ancient technology on this island. I’ve always wondered how the Knuckles Clan could have possibly created it if the god of Chaos had detested them so much. And they had sworn to protect the Master Emerald so no one could make the same mistakes as them… it always felt counterintuitive for them to be using it’s power for their own gain, even if its a harmless one.”

Sonic whistles. “Interesting.”

It clearly wasn’t. Knuckles had long ago tried to explain the intricacies of archeology and treasure hunting to Sonic, but he was firmly uninterested in the subject. No thrashing and bashing? No dice. If Knuckles talked for too long, Sonic would dip out from the conversation and disappear.

Knuckles turns his attention to the mural. He was taking a big leap with this one, but… Part of him was itching to scratch Sonic’s brain about this. “This was my favorite mural, growing up.”

“Oh?”

“Much of the inscription is lost to time and erosion. But what I can make out details a great hero coming to save the world.” Knuckles takes a deep breath. “It had meant a lot to me as a child alone on this island, to think that someone might one day come to save…” This felt to vulnerable to admit, to finish the lingering me he was going to add. “... the Master Emerald, and I would no longer be alone.”

Knuckles chances a glance at Sonic. His expression remains neutral, his eyes centered on the blue figure in the mural. His foot wasn’t tapping, however, which meant he hadn’t been testing Sonic’s patience with something so mushy. There’s a chance he might get a dialogue opened between them.

Ever since Knuckles was a child and had figured out to read, this mural had been one he spent as much time as he could near. Many of the other murals and stories were of tragedy, for the Echidnas had been cast out from the rest of society by their own greed, and were determined to never let their mistake befall them again. And, too, their species began to dwindle, and a hopelessness someday settled deep in their bones, and within their stories.

Knuckles couldn’t blame them for their sorrow. What befell the Knuckles Clan was a tragedy that would lead to their own extinction over one mistake. It was sometimes a bit much for Knuckles to bear, to know that he was the last of his kind, all because of Pachacamac’s lust for power. 

And that’s what made this mural so enchanting to a young child. To see a hero valiantly fighting against an invader, protecting his home, saving his people, saving himself. He dreamed, many times as a child, that this hero would come and rescue him. That the duty of protecting the Master Emerald would no longer be his, that the sins of his forefathers would be paid, and Knuckles's bondage would be broken. Knuckles would be free to live life how he wanted, for there was someone who would be able to keep his home safe. 

It wasn’t quite the case, in the end.

Someone blue and bright and heroic showed up on his island one day when he was twelve to defeat an invader stealing his emerald. An annoying, aggravating, irritating eleven year old boy who toted around a four year old sidekick. Some kid younger than him who made immature and crude jokes and was thoroughly uninterested in the island and it’s history and the emerald beyond keeping it free from Robotnik’s hands. 

Oh, twelve year old Knuckles’s blood boiled at the very thought of that blue prick who appeared on his island one day and turned his entire life upside down.

“My ancestors say it’s supposed to be a prophecy,” Knuckles carefully added. 

That receives a derisive snort from Sonic.

“Do you really believe in that?” Sonic asks. 

“It came true,” Knuckles murmurs. 

And it did, in ways Knuckles couldn’t quite comprehend at twelve years old, but knew well at sixteen. For Sonic, in his irritating, antagonizing, stupid way… still did manage to save Knuckles’s life.

He defeated Dr. Robotnik that day, casting himself in a cocoon of gold and Chaos, destroying Robotnik’s machines and returning the Master Emerald back to Angel Island. And beyond that, it was Sonic who became Knuckles’s true first friend, who taught him how there was more to life than just guarding the Master Emerald, that he could balance his duty and his desires and still live a fulfilling life. 

Perhaps no hero had swept in and took away his duty. But Knuckles was still grateful nonetheless for what Sonic had taught him, even if he’s never truly managed to tell him. 

“Do we even know it was predicting that fight on Angel Island four years ago?” Sonic clicks his tongue. “Why would they bother predicting that fight, anyway? It’s not even the most interesting thing we’ve seen. I mean, why not predict Perfect Chaos re-emerging? Or the End? Or Eggman breaking apart the entire Earth for Dark Gaia? It’s not important, in the grand scheme of things.”

“Of course it’s important!” Knuckles snaps. 

Sonic blinks. Knuckles grinds his teeth. 

He shouldn’t be surprised. Sonic had been going on countless adventures even before the Angel Island adventure. Let alone everything he had seen afterwards. Why would the most important moment of Knuckles’s life mean anything to him, in the end? What importance could it possibly have when it was just a routine battle to stop Eggman? When he had fought greater and mightier powers than just Eggman’s insatiable greed and some plucky twelve year old guardian of an empty home and a powerful emerald?

Sonic looks back at the mural, a thoughtful look on his face. “I don’t believe in destiny, fate, or whatever. I’ve never liked the idea that someone else was pulling my strings. Some people find it a comforting thought, to know that everything happens for a reason. I like to think I make my own choices.”

A silence passes between them.

“I made my choice that day, to chase after Robotnik and show up on this island. I think that us choosing to meet is much nicer than thinking we were fated to.”

Knuckles turns to face Sonic, who’s still peering at that mural.

“I chose to come here, to fight you, to eventually help you. To face down Eggman and bring the Master Emerald back. And I’ve chosen every subsequent meeting as well. So believe, perhaps, that that day was fated, foretold, or whatever. But every moment after hasn’t been. And I think that’s much more interesting.”

Knuckles is quiet. The day they met had been the most infuriating day of his life. But it wasn’t entirely the day that he was saved. It was every subsequent day after, when the two of them crossed paths, when Sonic and his rivalry turned into mutual respect, into friendship. It was a cataclysm, an explosion, and in the rubble the two began to build something Knuckles can not name but knows it to be worth more than gold.

Knuckles turns away rubbing at his eyes. “I’ll never understand you, Sonic.”

“Ha! Now, are we done with this boring conversation?” Sonic taps his foot. Knuckles’s time has run out. “What do you think about me taking you on a flight?”

“Ugh, no way! I’ve seen you fly a plane before, I know you do too many barrel rolls.”

Sonic's eyes sparkle with mischief. “Oh? And you can’t handle a little bit of turbulence? To think you call yourself a great guardian!”

“Bah! I can handle anything you throw at me.”

“Challenge accepted!” Sonic grabs his hand and Knuckles braces himself for a super sonic sprint. “I think our group is ready to board! Let’s go!”

To think this was the same person his people had once written a prophecy for. 

[crumb]

i love how benson is, on the surface, this devil-may-care kind of character, going around shooting people, dragging randy around to fix his life and scaring the hoes in the process—but at the same time there are these little details that show how much he does care. I mean the big obvious one is his motivation for wanting to fix randy, fix randy and help him not turn out like benson and the rest of the people in the small town, we all know this and have gone over these themes. but the smaller details, unintentional or not, those are really nice. Benson being the only one at Burger Burgers Burgers who has his sleeves cuffed and his shirt tucked in. This is one of many details that shows Benson does care, he cares about how he looks and how he's perceived to some extent. because let's be honest, it does set his character apart from the stereotypical 'redneck working at a fast food joint'. Which then gives an added weight to when he walks outside for his cigarette and untucks his shirt. he's releasing himself from this more restrained version he's presented himself as up until that point. Which then ALSO makes Chris saying "Benson, why do you fucking care?" even funnier. because like... Benson basically responds by killing him which in a way is him saying "hey, you're right, why do I fucking care?" lmaoooo Benson is also the only one, other than Randy (and I guess hardy?) who is wearing BBB uniform trousers. Chris is wearing cargo joggers and Jess is wearing a mini skirt with fishnets. If benson really didn't care about that job, or how he looked at that job, would he be wearing 100% of the uniform, well fitted, cuffed, tucked, cleaned, and ironed? And then when changing outfits at his house he puts on a fuzzy yellow/green cardigan and graphic ringer tee, the choices of which feel very intentional and like they're his favorite pieces of clothing. Which I think must be true if you think about him knowing this is his swan song, he wants to go out looking good. But what he doesn't change? His trousers. You'd think after killing three people at a job you probably don't particularly like and dragging their bodies around, changing out of the uniform would be a relief, other than wanting to just get out of clothes that are recognizable to the restaurant. Which makes me think his BBB uniform trousers are the best/most well-fitting trousers he owns which in itself is interesting. I mean look at the clothes he gives randy, they're not that much different in body size so even on benson those jeans would've been oversized as hell. This somewhat cleaned up version of himself that he presents, especially pre-killing spree, juxtaposed to his home life and his car is, I think, a great representation of Benson as a person. His home life, the clutter, his Ma in the front room, the clothes he gives randy, the junk strewn around his car—versus his cleaned and cuffed and tucked uniform and his stylish cardigan and graphic tee (idc what you say i love the cardigan)—I think it shows someone who is struggling but putting on a brave front, trying to come off as put together, as someone who knows himself and doesn't care about other people's perceptions, but at the same time so desperately does care and hates that he cares, and hates that he can't seem to change things. he can only dress them up a little to look presentable to passersby. and maybe it's one of those "the walls are just blue because they're blue!!" type situations and the wardobe dept or kyle or carter or the art director and whoever else, maybe it's just simply style/design decisions by one or several of them and there's no subtextual meaning behind it all—but even if so, I love that, to me at least, it's developed this deeper meaning within the context of the film and the character.

Don't even get me started on the Kurt Cobain cardigan and Benson having a shotgun in his trunk.

[hippolotamus]

Fuck it Friday 🔥

tagged by my beloved @bidisasterevankinard @tizniz 💖

putting the Fuck in Fuck it Friday with something of a throwback. Every fic that I write has parts that get cut. Stuff that I adored but just didn't gel with the rest of the story. So I keep all that in a notes file because you never know when it might be useful for something else. here's a smutty snip that got cut from Eddie and Buck's drive in date in whatever may come (your heart I will choose)

Buck shimmies himself to the floor, wedging in the space in a way that can’t possibly be good for his leg. “Should you—” “‘M fine, promise,” he insists, looking up at Eddie like he’s near begging and hoping he won’t be told ‘no’. “Just wanna make you feel good, baby. Let me do that. Please?” For all the space he takes up, Buck seems small by the time ‘please’ spills out. Like he’ll only feel worthy if Eddie agrees. His fingers are already on Eddie’s belt, ready to unbuckle it the moment he’s allowed.  They’ve talked about it some, the way Buck feels the need for approval. How he seeks out validation through sex, even now that he’s past his 1.0 stage. Eddie’s still not entirely sure what that means, but he’s learned enough to tell when that’s what Buck is looking for or when he’s simply trying to discipline himself for some perceived wrongdoing. Right now, it seems like a bit of both.  “Sweetheart.” Eddie tips Buck’s head up, so he’s forced to make eye contact. “Remember what I said. There’s no earning here. We can go back up front, watch half the universe disappear, and that’s more than okay.” “I know. I just- please, Eddie. I just want everything to be perfect.” 

He could say something like ‘it already is’, but he knows how much planning Buck would have done to put tonight together. All the behind the scenes work of coordinating schedules, persuading Bobby to let him off early if it was possible, making sure Christopher would be well cared for. Something like ‘it already is’ might sound too placating. He chooses to respond with something 16-year old Eddie never would have considered, let alone done. 

Eddie carefully cards through Buck’s neatly gelled curls. “It is. You are. You did so well.” He can see Buck already beginning to absorb the praise, wearing it like a blanket, sinking into it. “You put this all together for me. For us. I never had to say a thing, you just did it. Because you’re always thinking of other people. Christ, I don’t know how I ever got so lucky with you. You’re always so damn good for me.”

Buck’s fingertips are absentmindedly toying with the clasp on Eddie’s belt, making a light clinking noise. Eddie keeps talking, giving Buck what he needs.

“And, fuck, you’re so gorgeous. All the time, but especially right now. Those beautiful blue eyes and perfect lips. So fucking pretty.” Eddie lightly scratches over Buck’s wrists, his knuckles. “Look at you, so desperate already. Just waiting for me to tell you it’s okay.” 

“Mmhmm.” Buck nods emphatically in agreement. A small whine escapes and his breaths become faster, a little more ragged.

The personality shift always amazes him. As if chatty, exuberant Buck fades away, leaving a version that is a different type of attentive, blindly trusting whatever Eddie tells him. Eddie doesn’t personally understand, but gets that it works for Buck. And he’s not saying anything just for Buck’s benefit, he means every bit of it. 

“You can’t though, can you? Can’t wait to get my dick in your mouth, down your throat. But you have been waiting so patiently even though I know you don’t want to. Because you’re so, so good for me, and I haven’t given you permission yet. Should I?”

Buck pleads. “Eddie, I- please. Gonna be so good for you.”

“I know you are.” Eddie rolls his hips up into Buck’s hands, wants Buck to know the effect he’s having. He flicks his gaze down to his belt buckle, making sure Buck notices. “Go ahead then.”

The three words are barely out before Buck is undoing Eddie’s belt and zipper, opening his jeans just enough to get where he wants. Buck’s breath is warm and damp, mouthing at Eddie’s cock through his boxers, making Eddie’s hips jerk in response. Buck hums, nosing along the thin cotton, teasing like he’s making up for the minutes Eddie made him wait. Finally, he’s parting the slit in the fabric, swirling his tongue around the head, taking Eddie down in microbursts of time. Eddie grips Buck’s hair, not to force him down, just to show his appreciation. 

“That good, baby? Want more?” 

Christ, it’s infuriating how quickly Buck can slip into his cocky side, all smooth and velvet that could make Eddie do anything. “Fuck you. You know the answer.”

“Oh, I do,” he chuckles, adding a series of teasing licks around the head and over the slit. “I just want to hear you say it.”

Eddie waits until Buck is shallowly sucking the head and thrusts up into Buck’s mouth, only once, feeling drunk on the surprised moan it earns him. “You mean you want to hear how fucking talented you are? Because you know I love when you’re all sloppy and desperate, sucking me off like you’re fucking starving? How I can’t wait to come down your throat and watch you take all of it? That what you wanna hear?”

Buck gives a deep, throaty hum in response. The vibrations carry down Eddie’s shaft, making him even more wound up every time Buck’s head bobs, taking Eddie deeper. In the dark, he can’t see the way he prefers. He can’t watch the way Buck’s irises shift between shades, how his pupils dilate and the black dances at the edge of the blue. Even so he can still see the way Buck looks up at him through his lashes. Can feel the warm, wet pressure of Buck’s mouth surrounding him, pressing his tongue to the underside. And the light offers just enough so Eddie can see the slick shine on Buck’s lips. 

“Jesus, do you even know how hot you look like this?” Eddie growls, stroking Buck’s cheek. “How fucking perfect you are? Christ, you’re doing so well for me, being so good.”

He knows he should, but Eddie can’t bring himself to care about the other cars nearby. Not when the windows are dark enough and nobody can probably see them anyway. Not when Buck is sucking harder, and moving faster in response to Eddie’s praise coming out in words and grunts. Especially not when the pressure – pleasure – is coiling tighter, building until he’s digging his fingertips into the underside of his thighs when it all peaks, crashing over him and he can only hope no one else hears the cry that spills out. 

“Fuck,” Eddie breathes, content and boneless. “Definitely never had anything like that in high school.”

“Always happy to be of service.” Buck smirks and drops a kiss to Eddie’s softening cock before putting him back together. 

Eddie lazily grabs for Buck, pulling him up into his lap. “Now, what about you?”

“Oh, I can think of a few things.” 

They kiss, deep and slow, Eddie’s fingers tracing swirling patterns along Buck’s spine while he tastes his release on Buck’s tongue. 

“Think you can wait until we get home?” 

“I, uh, I guess?” Buck squirms a little, looking confused and trying to hide his disappointment.

“Perfect, because I have plans for you.” Eddie presses his lips to the tip of Buck’s nose, his cheek and chin, and finally a nip to the curve where his neck meets his shoulder. “How fast can you get us there?”

“Now?”

Eddie relaxes against the headrest, feigning indifference. “I mean our drinks are probably all watered down and your popcorn is gonna be gross now, but we can stay if you really want to.”

“We’ll be home in twenty,” Buck answers, already scrambling to get to the front, thankfully using the doors this time. 

It may not be what Buck originally planned, but, yeah, this is going to be a fun night.

np tagging @diazsdimples @stereopticons @theotherbuckley @daffi-990 @actuallyitsellie

@epicbuddieficrecs @loveyouanyway @diazheartsbuckley @saybiwithme

@spotsandsocks @dr-shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @elvensorceress @dangerpronebuddie

@kitteneddiediaz @your-catfish-friend @thekristen999 @filet-o-feelings @wikiangela

@rainbow-nerdss @steadfastsaturnsrings @inell @dorkydiaz @bi-buckrights

@bucksbiawakening @bekkachaos @beyourownanchor6 @lemonzestywrites @monsterrae1

@statueinthestone @slightlyobsessedwitheverything @thelikesofus @wildlife4life @eowon

@rewritetheending @bucksbignaturals @swiftiefirefighters and anyone else who wants to 😘

[scoutswritingcorner]

What about an au where Striker works for I.M.P? 🥺

Striker Working for I.M.P

Striker x GN! Reader

A/N: I know you just wanted to do an AU where you wanted just Striker but I am a gay simp for this fucking maniac of a cowboy. 

TW:None?

-☠️Either you just joined or are just training with him whilst the others are out? He’s a hard teacher no doubt. He’ll critique every little thing but he means it in a nice way. He doesn’t need you getting hurt or killed on his watch.

-☠️ Will teach you hand to hand combat and how to disarm someone quickly just in case.

-☠️ A huge lonewolf still but much more easier to get along with cause he has a huge soft spot for you and only you, (he has one for the whole gang but don’t point it out)

-☠️ Still wears his cowboy get up but he strikes me as a fellow who also likes to wear sweaters and a denim jacket everywhere he goes. Also blue jeans and his iconic boots with his hat. You’ll never see him hatless unless he’s letting you and only you wear it.

Platonic Route

-☠️ Big Brother energy. He’ll annoy the shit out of you and then act like it wasn’t his fault.

-☠️ Will steal your snacks and then act like he didn’t. Don’t worry he gets you some more.

-☠️ Will fight you over some stupid shit. Like a kill or if you ate some of his food.

-☠️ Very sweet though, someone hitting on you or unwanted attention? He’s behind you and glaring at the person.

-☠️ Partner acting a fool? He’s immediately taking your side. They cheated? Their car is totaled and they have broken legs. 

-☠️ HE LOVES TALKING SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE. Just go up to him and start talking, he’s immediately focused on you and what’s going on.

-☠️ Gets Loona in on it too cause he also acts like an older brother figure to her and now it’s turned into you three around her desk spilling some fucking hot ass tea. Maybe about your ex or someone else you all collectively hate.

-☠️ Once again, he hates Stolas but he also acts like a big brother to Octavia and will take you, Loona and Octavia out on the town to just relax or have fun. Don’t worry he’s got his gun and knife if anyone tries shit. He ain’t afraid to get his hands dirty to protect his people.

-☠️ He hates photos of himself. He doesn’t like to be perceived but he will let you three take photos of him but he’s a big ole grump about it.

Romantic Route

-☠️Oh boy, he’s even more protective than before. If you both are on the job and he thinks it’s going to be a tougher kill? He’s taking it and sends you off to go check on the others. 

-☠️ That one scene in the D.H.O.R.K.S episode where Blitz and Moxxie were taken? Yeah you were with them and when Striker got you back with the others? He’s feral. He will kill anything that touches a single hair on your head.

You hang your head in shame as you listen to Blitz and Moxxie yell back and forth with one another. How did you allow yourself to get caught? The doors busted open as Millie, Loona and Striker ran over, a crazed look in his eyes. “Oh shit- You okay darling?”  He asked untying you from the chair and pulling you close, checking all over you for any injuries. “I’ll kill these bastards if they hurt ya” He snarled out.

-☠️Such a sweetheart. He’s more prone to lazing around the office with you if there’s nothing to do and will occasionally take naps. 

-☠️ Out on the town with him? He’s spoiling the fuck out of your ass. Like it’s unreal.

-☠️ Loves going to fairs with you, it’s prime time for him to get you everything and to show off his shooting skills.

-☠️In this AU Bombproof is a motorcycle cause I said so and he takes care of it like its his baby. He also gets you your own helmet and lets you ride with him through the city. Date nights are much more fun when you're speeding through each ring and seeing different sites.

-☠️Loves getting/giving good luck kisses. If you don’t give him one before a mission he thinks he’s gonna fail and it bothers him. Doesn’t matter if it’s a kiss on the lips, cheek or forehead. He wants his good luck kiss.

[fruitofarottenwomb]

subliminal crash course

hello everyone! i know that i've been gone for a hot minute, but i'm back! hope y'all didn't miss me too much! today i'm going to be talking about subliminals: what they are, different types, effective ways to use them, how to make subliminal playlists and even some sub creators and subliminals that i use and trust! hope this helps!

what are subliminals?

the cambridge dictionary defines subliminals as not recognized or understood by the conscious mind, but still having an influence on it.

not recognised? conscious mind? vivienne, what do these mean? do not fret! all will be revealed...

if you're a little slow, subliminals are essentially like secret messages sneaked into your brain even though you're not aware of them. think of them as the brain's version of a surprise party—you don't see them coming, but they still make an impact

i define them as messages or stimuli presented below the level of conscious awareness, designed to influence feelings, appearances, or behaviors, which are often used in self-help contexts.

what are some subliminal keywords and their meanings?

trigger words: specific words intended to prompt immediate emotions or states of mind. for example, "peace," "success," or "joy.

masking: the technique of hiding subliminal messages behind music or ambient sounds.

binaural beats: a form of auditory stimulation used in subliminals to enhance relaxation or focus.

sub creator: someone who creates and shares subliminal audio or visual content.

layering: combining multiple subliminal tracks or types of subliminals to enhance effectiveness.

custom subliminals: personalized subliminal tracks created to meet specific needs or goals.

boosters: additional affirmations or messages added to enhance the effects of a main subliminal track.

conscious mind: contains all the thoughts, feelings, cognitions, and memories we acknowledge.

unconscious mind: consists of deeper mental processes not readily available to the conscious mind.

what are the different types of subliminals?

visual subliminals involve quick flashes of images or text based on a theme, topic or desire that are not consciously perceived but are processed by the subconscious.

affirmations are positive statements repeated in a way that they are meant to influence one's subconscious mind.

auditory subliminals include affirmations or messages, but these are played at a low volume, masked by music, rain sounds, or even brown noise! (i'll make a post about what that is and different coloured noise at a later date) the idea is that the messages bypass conscious processing and are absorbed by the subconscious.

forced subliminal refer to subliminal messages that are presented in a way that the subconscious mind is exposed to them more insistently or repetitively than typical subliminals. the idea is that this increased exposure or intensity can make the subliminal more effective.

how can i use them effectively?

consistency: listen to or view subliminals regularly to reinforce the messages.

focus: for me, subliminals work best when i am in a relaxed state, like while meditating or before sleep.

integration: pair subliminals with active efforts toward your goals. for example, if you’re working on improving confidence, use subliminals along with practical steps like public speaking practice.

define clear goals: identify specific outcomes you want to achieve (e.g., increased confidence, better sleep, improved focus).

choose quality subliminals: select well-reviewed and credible subliminal tracks or creators. ensure they use positive, constructive affirmations and are designed professionally. i usually check the comments to see people's experiences when using the subliminal, or i will check the sub creator's instagram, as many of them post results on there.

create a routine: integrate subliminals into your daily routine, such as listening before bed, during meditation, or while relaxing. consistent timing can enhance effectiveness.

monitor your progress: keep track of any changes or improvements in your thoughts, appearance, or behaviors. this can help you gauge effectiveness and adjust your approach if needed. although, you shouldn't be obsessing over results, as this can hinder the process. obsessing over the results means that you don't really believe in the power of you and your mind.

maintain a positive mindset: stay open and positive about the process. a positive attitude can enhance the effectiveness of subliminals. but, contrary to popular belief, you can still be sad or skeptical about a subliminal and still see results, however, it does help to have a good self concept.

how can i make a subliminal playlist?

what i personally do is start with four boosters (each from different sub creators), then i'll just add all the subliminals that i want from a specific creator, add the four boosters again, and repeat with another sub creator. the amount of subliminals i add for a specific creator is unlimited. i just add subliminals that's given me results, ones i wanna try out, etc. this may not be for everyone, so here's some tips for a more organised sub playlist:

identify key topics: determine the main areas you want to focus on, such as confidence, relaxation, productivity, or health.

create subcategories: within each main topic, create subcategories if needed. for example, under "confidence," you might have subcategories like "social confidence" and "professional confidence."

arrange by priority: arrange the topics in order of priority or relevance to your current goals. place the most important ones at the top of the playlist.

set time frames: consider the duration of each track and the overall length of the playlist. ensure it’s manageable and fits into your daily routine.

track variation: mix different types of subliminal messages if you have a variety, such as affirmations or binaural beats.

update regularly: periodically review and update your playlist based on your progress and changing goals.

test and adjust: listen to your playlist regularly and adjust based on how well it resonates with you and supports your goals.

aaand were done! i hope this has been informative and helpful to you, and if you have any success stories with subliminals, send them to me! i'm making a post about subliminal creators i recommend, so make sure you look out for that! love you all!

good luck ♡

[velvet-glory]

Thank you undueodium for the template! It was a ton of fun to fill out 😊

Extensive thoughts below the cut! (Warning: very long...)

Necessary disclaimer that all of this is of course just my headcanons and how I perceive the characters. I'm not claiming I know the Ultimate Truth™, but these two guys have claimed basically 99% of my brain capacity in the past 7 months and mean the world to me. I thoroughly enjoy picking them apart and analyzing them both as individuals and a pair because they scratch an itch in my brain that I simply can't get enough of. But as with all things, we resonate with different things in fiction and in life. Anyways, enjoy!

Boothill being ace

This is something I always worried talking about in public, since talking about sexualities in fandom spaces feels like SUCH a risky topic I usually don't even want to open, but it's very important to me. Being ace myself, I personally see him as sex-neutral to favorable. I think it's an activity he didn't mind doing, and even saw as occasional fun, but it wasn't anything really special. He preferred building strong emotional bonds with his family and friends. Romantically I think he had one or two crushes, but never really anything serious. The life he lived didn't allow for it, and the (queer)platonic bonds he had were more than enough.

With the change of his body, the physical aspect fell away, so it’s purely a mental thing now, and he already had next to no desire for it before. When the opportunity arose, maybe he would take up the offer, but he was also just too busy wanting to hunt Oswaldo down to indulge in pleasures like those too often. He didn't see people in that light and didn't miss it. (I also think that there were some... more forceful people that were curious and really wanted to experience what his cyborg body was capable of, which only turned him away from sex even more. So now it became a conscious avoidance, too, on top of the lack of attraction and medium-to-low libido.)

Sex really only starts to feel special once he gets with Aventurine, as he sees it as a way to bond and feel loved. I think sex is a very integral part of their relationship (but if I got into that, this would get WAY too long). It starts to feel even more fun and Aventurine is mighty pretty—seeing him blush and gasp and moan is what's rewarding, not the physical aspect and involvement of his body (especially since I hc that he can't feel anything below the neck aside from maybe his groin thanks to emulators). It's also why I see him more as a service top—Aven's pleasure comes first. That's what makes him feel pleasure. That gets him that mental high.

Aventurine riding him feels good not because of the actual act and feeling, but what it stands for. The power Aventurine holds over him. The intimacy it embodies. Knowing that he is the one to reduce Aventurine into a sweaty, moaning mess. How they both lay everything bare for one another.

There's also the fun aspect to him realizing that sex actually does matter to him in the context with Aventurine. Where losing his genitals wasn't really something he cared about too much in regards to sex (this can also be seen through a gender lens, but I'll be focusing on it in a sexuality way), some insecurity may creep in. If it matters to the person he loves, of course it also matters to him. He just becomes very aware of... everything. About their differences, both in the short-term and long-term. How that will affect the... everything they have. Whatever they have. There's a lot to unpack here. I promise I'm trying to keep all of this as brief as I can but I'm failing.

Boothill and touch

For Boothill, it's not about the actual, physical sensation, but about the intention behind it. Getting kissed on the inside of his wrist, where a pulse would be, is special. Where his heart beats even more so. To have Aventurine treat his body with care and affection—treating it human, despite him not even seeing himself as alive anymore, nevermind human, even if he laughs about it—is what gets to him. It also makes his spine such an insanely vulnerable place to kiss and touch, since he has to expose his back for it. The places his body has been scratched/damaged, like on his lower abdomen, are also highlights.

Basically anything goes and is fine to touch, but the more vulnerable a place would be when made out of flesh, the more intense he feels about it being touched and kissed. And especially his neck and face, since those are still human.

To be accepted and appreciated for what he is now, and not like he is lacking anything, is what matters. And Aventurine does just that.

Aventurine being demi

Aventurine being demi feels kinda self-explanatory. Even if he may use sexuality and sensuality as a tool, I don't think he truly experiences that attraction until a strong bond has formed, which... has frankly not happened often, if ever. Nevermind romantically. That requires you to be vulnerable and allow others close to your heart. That's what made the bars a little difficult to fill out cause... there's so many walls he has put up, but he acts in certain ways. He acts flirty and sensual, but it's not genuine. It is and it isn't. He's a walking paradox and probably struggles to really understand himself, too.

But Boothill makes him feel safe, which makes him want the man carnally (lol). It lowers the walls around his heart. Nothing sexier than explicitly being asked for consent and being respected and loved by a sexy cyborg who wears his heart on his sleeve, I'm afraid. Plus, I think Boothill not actually having a human body massively helps him in overcoming the first hurdle regarding his trauma.

Aventurine's sensitive areas

Similar to Boothill, the more vulnerable an area, the more it means for it to be touched. Especially his chest, hips, inner thighs and neck are sensitive and feel the best. Boothill kissed his stomach once and he has been obsessed ever since. His lower back? Yes please. Especially if Boothill's mouth and hands are busy elsewhere. A kiss to the center of his palm speaks louder than any words and it makes his heart ache.

I think his arm pits are ticklish so they're a bit of a no, but it's a soft no. Because he trusts Boothill so much, I think he's really fine with anything, at least down the road. It does take a little while to build up to this, but fortunately Boothill is very patient and understanding in this regard ☺️

Kinks & Limits

Limits

This is actually a section I struggled a lot with. If it's a hard limit, I don't even go there, and don't even think of it. So I feel like there are likely some others that I didn't put down because well... I just don't think of them cause they're such a no lmao.

For soft limits, especially in regards to Aventurine, I think it's pretty complicated. He has some self-destructive tendencies. There's a lot of inner turmoil because of his trauma—he wants and he doesn't. He wants to be tossed around, challenges you to use him, because it's what he's used to, but he also doesn't. This would get way way too long if I went more in-depth on how I see Aventurine and his relationship to intimacy as a whole, but. It's just extremely complicated, and I feel like someone like Boothill is exactly what he needs to heal from all of that. Someone that allows him to let loose, to differentiate past trauma and future pleasure. Because he's safe. And eventually, he will overcome those fears that hold him back from truly letting go. Even if it will take time. (I'm speaking in general here and Aventurine's relationship to physical and emotional intimacy, and not about the specific limits I wrote down.)

They both definitely have their limits, but also... I dunno. It just heavily depends on the situation and how long they've been together. I think there's some kinks they would eventually explore in a safe way, especially in regards to bondage. Some mild power play, maybe—which would especially be a big step for Aventurine.

Kinks

Aventurine likes to receive, but also to see Boothill break, either in a submissive or dominant way. He likes to walk on the fine line, to see how much he can get away with. To push and prod until the tables are turned. Likes to see Boothill whimper but also have Boothill hold his hips a little tighter as he's pushed into the mattress or nearest surface. He likes the game, the risk. To gain and lose control.

And Boothill plays into it beautifully, because he aims to please first and foremost. He always has to hold back because he really could very easily seriously hurt Aventurine. His body is made to kill and that's a risk that Aventurine really loves.

As for Boothill's kinks... well! When most of your body is numb to pleasure, why wouldn't you want to practically short-circuit thanks to your very very pretty partner who also activates your lizard brain.

Dynamics

Boothill is very very attentive and fully focused on Aventurine—catches every little movement, every sign of discomfort—which is why I think he would be extremely good in bed, even if he has less overall experience. They are essentially tied in skill, though. (But also, you know. There's the fact that Boothill can get fun little upgrades for his privates, which Aventurine definitely enjoys ☺️)

I'm a switch and vers enthusiast, and while I do think they have a preference, in the end, it's about connection and about mixing things up. About having fun together and bonding.

When Aventurine submits, he does it to fully submit and be at Boothill's mercy because he knows he will be safe. Giving up the power, when he was always forced to be strong and stand alone, brings a sense of relief. But I do think that generally, he prefers to be in control, especially in the beginning. When topping, he tends to lean more towards service top as well, although a less dominant one. Boothill as a service top can be both dominant and submissive, though—whichever Aventurine wants in that moment, since he aims to please. When he bottoms, it really just depends on the mood, but I think generally he's less intense than Aventurine. He definitely teases Aventurine quite a bit like that, hehe...

Boothill has a cyborg body, so... he can do any speed and pace ☺️ Spiritually, Aventurine wishes he also had more stamina and endurance, but unfortunately he needs to catch his breath a little sooner.

I think Aventurine can be both loud and quiet (which Boothill especially loves to get him to that point), while Aventurine loves when he manages to get Boothill to be a little louder.

Miscellaneous thoughts

I would've basically have to fill this template out twice because honestly... How they are with others before meeting each other, how they are with one another at the start, after they get together, and how that changes them in general are all different. They constantly evolve and grow. There's so many facets to them, it was hard to pin it down to just a few dots. But I had already spent a good... I wanna say 11 or more hours on this, on top of the time it took to write all of this, so I didn't want to keep tweaking it even more :') So I’ll just be talking about a handful of things.

Who does what

This was a fun section to think about. Since I imagine that Aventurine fell first, I feel like he was both not subtle at all about his affections but also trying to play them off as just his usual behavior. Boothill, who is a little slower on catching on to his own feelings, really struggled with that. Although after he does realize his own feelings, and wonders if maybe it's reciprocated after all, he really doesn't wait around too much and goes for it.

I think Aventurine likes the idea of getting married, but the reality is just tricky with the lives they live. Commitment is also just scary to him, even if he does care deeply about Boothill (which is also very scary). Boothill also never considered to be settling down somewhere since he expected to lose his life on his quest for revenge, but Aventurine makes him wonder. But whether they live a domestic life somewhere quiet or enjoy traveling the stars together, one thing he knows for sure: he wants Aventurine at his side for it.

Boothill had a lot of siblings, both younger and older, so I think he has a massive soft spot for kids. Having a couple of rascals would be fun, but only if Aventurine was on-board as well. Similar to marriage, I think Aventurine likes the idea, but might doubt if he'd even be worthy or able of being a parent. Whether they do eventually adopt or not isn't as important as simply being together, though.

—

I think I'm gonna leave it here because this already got WAY longer than I intended for it to be... I just can't help but start yapping once these two are involved. Maybe I'll go back in the future and talk about a few more things, but if you actually got this far, then kudos to you 😭 Thank you for reading! I love avenhill a little bit if it wasn't obvious already...

[kindnessoverperfection]

Feel free to ignore this, but I'm a disabled writer who tends to focus on representation in my works, and I came across your posts about having npd while doing research for a side character in a story of mine. I really appreciate you taking the time to write out a description of npd that shows the roots of the issues and the way they affect the people who have it rather than how outsiders perceive it. I just wanted to ask if there were any traits of npd that you personally would like to see in npd representation/ if you have any thoughts on how you'd like to see characters with npd represented in media? I know at current there's basically no positive npd rep, which sucks for sure, but in a hypothetical situation where there was a character with npd who wasn't villianized for it, what sort of aspects of npd would be comforting for you to see reflected in a story?

Once again, feel free to ignore this ask if I'm overstepping at all, and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

Hi!! ♡ Apologies for the late reply, I wasn't on tumblr for a few days, then my alter was out for the next couple days and I wanted to be the one to respond-

I really appreciate that you're taking the time to research and create thoughtful representation, and I'm glad my posts could offer some help with that!

My first two thoughts are:

Characters whose symptoms present differently than the common portrayal of NPD

It's super common for people to not recognize NPD because they have this very limited view of what it is and how it can present - so it would be nice to see representation that shows variety in the way it can manifest.

For example, it's actually very common for someone with the disorder to primarily "lash in" rather than "lash out", but I never see that represented (intentionally, at least).

There's also a very limited perception of narcissistic characters being blatantly arrogant, grandiose, braggy, selfish, power-hungry, etc. But really, there's an unlimited number of ways someone can present outwardly, because the only thing that's crucial to the diagnosis is the internal experience - how if affects the person who has it. How they appear outwardly to others can vary wildly.

(I'll admit, some of these "stereotypical NPD" characters feel very relatable due to shared symptoms and vibes and power fantasies. To the extent that I have one of them as my pfp on some accounts lol. But if you met me IRL, my vibes are just "confident and bubbly, polite, quiet and distant, fashion-oriented, straight A student, cutesy, braggy, adventurous", and I always make the effort to be kind to people even though I can be somewhat distant and goal-oriented.)

It's also common to think of someone "flying into a rage" when they feel criticized - but anger (whether external or internal) isn't an inherent part of it. The issue is that someone perceives criticism as a threat, so their fight/flight/freeze/fawn response kicks in, and there's a large multitude of ways that can show up.

(Personally, I go into either fight or fawn mode. But the vast majority of the anger I've felt has been entirely self-directed, manifesting in the form of self-criticism, self-hatred, self-destruction, overworking, eating disorders, etc. I will occasionally feel outwards anger, but when I do, I give myself time and space to process it by myself so that I don't upset anyone. And even for those who feel external anger much more often than I do, it doesn't mean they'll express it in an aggressive or harmful way.)

tldr; I'd love to see a variety of outwards presentations, with the NPD being shown via their internal experience, rather than only displayed through stereotypical external behaviors.

2. Humanization for characters with NPD who make mistakes

People with NPD are human just like everyone else, which means that mistakes happen. Everyone accidentally fucks up, hurts someone, lacks self-awareness in certain areas, etc.

The level and type of interpersonal struggles, and the reasons behind these struggles, are all across the board. That's understood with any other disorder (or any sort of identity), but there's so much extra baggage and stigma applied when NPD is involved for some reason.

So for characters with NPD with higher interpersonal conflict, I'd want them to be humanized in the same way that anyone else with any other identity would be humanized. And I'd also want it shown that characters who don't have NPD can have high interpersonal conflict as well, that it's not limited to this disorder.

"what sort of aspects of npd would be comforting for you to see reflected in a story?"

In terms of specific aspects-

Personally, I'd love to see a character who like... tries to be perfect. Is externally very put-together in some way - maybe they're very kind and soft-spoken and sweet, or they're silly and happy and energetic, or they're quiet and serious and protective, or calm and mysterious and self-assured, doesn't matter. But everything seems okay on the surface.

But internally, they put so much pressure on themself. They hold themself to impossible standards, and feel like they HAVE to be seen a certain way and never show weakness. They have to handle everything perfectly. Just... so many symptoms and struggles that are hurting them internally, and overtime it ends up bubbling out in small ways, or like. Tbh I'd love it if someone would just... notice.

Notice the perfect bubbly happy straight-A student who's always kind and never shares their own opinions. Notice the quiet, highly-skilled protector of the group who somehow always knows the right thing to say and the right way to act.

And give them permission to be imperfect. To be human. Show them that they aren't their reputation or their skills or how impressive they are, they're so much more than that.

They can see the pain they're in, and instead of treating them as this untouchable perfect being, they treat them in a human way.

The super bubbly character seems completely unaffected by recent tragedy? Okay. Their friend doesn't ignore that. They don't push and prod, but they don't ignore it. They sit with them, spend time with them, hold them, they know it affected them.

I'm imagining a scene where the character w/NPD fucks up somehow, and they seem fine, but someone close to them suddenly Realizes and they just. Go to find them. And they're just having a massive breakdown, but the moment they see their friend, they quickly try and shove everything under the surface and act cool and unaffected and "normal", but their friend goes over and just holds them and. Ungh. 10/10

Couple months ago I did actually see an episode of a show like that, and both times I watched it, I bawled my fuckin eyes out lol.

Different people may have different answers in terms of what they'd feel most comforted by, but for me personally, I'd love this so much, because this is how I present and I desperately want to be Seen and Loved and have someone see my self-worth as being inherent and not tied into how "perfect" I am.

Closing thoughts:

Personally, there's not much that I'd feel offended by. To be honest, in addition to characters who fit the above points (various presentations, average-level interpersonal conflict, etc.), I also write characters who have that "stereotypical" presentation. I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as it's not done maliciously, especially if there's other types of characters shown. (Similar to having both gay villains and gay protagonists or side characters, y'know)

The only thing I'd dislike / that would hurt my feelings is like... seeing a character be heavily demonized for their traits*, or the only characters with NPD being horribly abusive, or the usage of stigmatizing language (aka, if the character is spoken about the way buzzfeed articles speak about us).

*aka, demonized for the symptoms. Totally fine if someone does something shitty and it's pointed out as being shitty / if people dislike them for that lol.

Hopefully this isn't getting too long, but to give an example of what I mean, something I saw that did hurt my feelings was like-

There was an episode of a show where a character got super braggy and confident, and was relishing in the praise and admiration she was getting. Hinging her self-worth on that recognition and success. And her friends got annoyed and pissed off, simply because she was braggy. There were a couple of things here and there she did that were kind of insensitive, but that was never really pointed out or seen as the main issue, it was only her bragging that was being demonized for some reason.

And then her friends all ganged up behind her back and did something to intentionally trigger a crash and make her feel insecure and terrible about herself, all to "knock her down a peg". And the narrative framed that as being justified, framed her friends as being correct in this situation. They never once showed concern for her mental health or the fact that she was hinging her self-worth on other people's opinions of her, they tore her down for her bragging instead of either a) supporting and uplifting her, or b) showing concern for unhealthy mindsets, and they never even tried to approach her or communicate with her about the things she was doing that actually were insensitive.

Hopefully that wasn't too much of a tangent lol, but that's the type of thing I mean by "being demonized for their traits". Hate when all a character is doing is bragging and feeling good about themself and the narrative frames them in an extremely negative light for it :(

Okay I will wrap up the post here as it's already pretty long, but hopefully this helped a bit!! Thank you for the question, and good luck with your writing! ^^

[vigilskeep]

Question! To you, is Minerva’s elf status inseparable from her personality? I never struggle when I make city or dalish elves but making my surana has me going nuts lol

minerva would tell you: absolutely not. to her, her identity is as a circle mage first, a grey warden second, and a fereldan third. being an elf is somewhere down below that and a few other things. she will always consider herself to have more in common with a human circle mage than anyone who wasn’t raised and trained the exact same way she is, but simply happens to have the same pointed ears. if you asked her if she was glad to have recruited one of her own people in the awakening dlc, her mind would jump to anders long before velanna

in reality, it does inform who she is. a lot of her dry disinterest in andrastianism stems from being an elf. it is a reason she has to work harder than any human to be taken seriously as a leader in most contexts. it’s one of the reasons she was a little socially targeted for her prowess by her peers growing up, which contributed to the untouchable veneer she keeps up, to not let people close enough to see she can be hurt. it obviously affects how she’s perceived by others, though she mostly considers this a lifelong inconvenience she has to work around. conversely, she is instinctively trusted by other elves, and while she doesn’t think about this much, she would be more hurt than she would expect if that trust were revoked. she also trusts her fellow elves easier herself; she is aware of the threat that humans may always pose to her, whether genuine physical danger or simply a cruel part of their worldview they may let slip at any time, and has certain kinds of emotional guard up approaching them that she would not with a fellow elf. it’s one of the reasons it’s so easy to be around zevran from the start. and finally her obsession with being seen to be the one to save everyone from the blight, hoping that could change perspectives on people like her, is as much to do with being seen doing it as an elf as the other aspects of her identity.

but just because it’s not as clean-cut as she would like doesn’t mean she’s necessarily wrong and deluded about who she is, either. the tragedy of her elven identity is often that she sees it as this inconvenience and struggle she faces, something she has to drag along behind her, while having been severed from what all the joys of community and culture should be, thus never actually experiencing what many would consider key aspects of being an elf. she can’t speak a word of elven or recall any of the foods they make in the alienage or tell you why they keep a vhenadahl. (not that this makes her somehow not elfy enough to be an elf—she is one, she knows that, she just doesn’t really connect to that fact or see it as worthwhile to make any effort to.)

instead, the closest things she had to a father and brothers were human, and she was not made to feel by those people that she should be something separate or aspire to other goals than they did, even if she would have to work harder for it. the circle possesses disparities between human and elf, but its mages are a perhaps uniquely blended community in which incredible social mobility can be possible. (the grand enchanter is an elf! that’s wild!) an elf might be less likely to get a senior enchanter’s robes, but once they had them, that clear hierarchy was what any circle mage would see first. the way she was perceived in the circle was also not only due to being an elf but to being from tevinter, too, and the associated religious stigma meant that often people focused on the latter—despite the fact that being an elf should entirely change their perspective on what that means.

of course if you’re looking for inspiration for your own surana, minerva is a unique case, and yours may be entirely different! the separation from elven culture was done to her by the circle, but she also accepted it; minerva always eschewed her past prior to the tower, determined to live this life and meet her mentor’s expectations. other suranas might have fought to keep the identity they arrived with, creating very different people and approaches

[beanghostprincess]

What makes you believe cross guild will respect buggy more?

I think this is one of the theories I believe in the most? It just makes sense to me and if it doesn't happen I am going to be so disappointed. Because Buggy is a character that, despite his depth and obvious abilities, has been always put in the spot for comedy relief. And I think that after chapter 1082 (manga), you can see a bit of a change in how Mihawk and Crocodile perceive him. In the same way, Buggy is portrayed a bit differently too.

I'm always talking about this, so I won't go too deep- I think this theory is really plausible because, out of the three members, Buggy is pretty much the only one who actually seems to care, heart and soul, about being a pirate. A real pirate. Crocodile and Mihawk are more business-focused because they see the safest option to make a name for themselves and be powerful and, you know, stable. Buggy, on the other hand, wants to follow his dream. Something he left behind because of Shanks and now that Shanks is doing the same, he will not stay behind once again.

Honestly, the reason I say these two will respect Buggy more is because in his speech he is referring to Mihawk and Crocodile as people who are settling for nothing when they could have everything. He mentions something about them probably having big dreams before Cross Guild and somehow forgetting what being a pirate truly means. As I said, out of the three of them, Buggy is the one with more qualities as a pirate and a lot of reasons to be going after the One Piece.

I like to think Crocodile and Mihawk will see this. They respect determination and strategy skills amongst other things, and I am guessing they will see these qualities in Buggy. But most importantly, I think Buggy's dream is what will make them have dreams once again too, and go higher than they could've possibly done on their own. This manga is all about dreams and these two, clearly business-focused, betrayed, and tired men, have given up on theirs. So of course Buggy is going to make them see they can achieve greater things.

They will see his qualities and skills and especially his determination and I would not be surprised if they actually ended up respecting him as an equal. Buggy would be-- Confused and still pretty much afraid of them, but they'd give him room for more ideas. Also, the way he manages to hype up his crew and make them follow him and their dreams is something Crocodile and Mihawk are unable to do if it is not inflicting fear. Buggy is the only one out of the three who's actually respected and loved by his people, surprisingly enough for them. And now that he has everybody on that island excited for finding the One Piece, there is no way they can go back. It is inevitable that they end up seeing Buggy with more respect. Not saying they will be best friends and die for each other but, in the matter of alliance/business, I'm pretty sure we are getting Buggy sitting at the meeting table with them.

Also, it is a great way to show character development for Buggy. Put two of the most respected, stoic characters in a room with the clown and make them see his true potential. Make them be equals instead. That would do wonders for Buggy as a character. Cross Guild was an unexpected trio, but Cross Guild RESPECTING BUGGY??? That is a great way to show development in a refreshing way for the three of them.

[gardenschedule]

Perceptions of Paul as calculating & John's paranoia

“McCartney’s mistake, which he now admits, was to seem invulnerable. […] And yet, he says, the contrast between himself and Lennon, so assiduously cultivated by journalists, was a fabrication. “I wasn’t brilliant at school. I was trouble, just like John. I got caned practically every day, and the only exam I ever passed was Spanish. John and I weren’t black and white, although people took John, for all his aggression, to be the good guy, because he showed his warts. I’ve only just realized, after all this time, that people like to see warts. It makes them sympathetic. I’d always though that, in order to be liked, you had to be unwarty.””

Living with The Beatles’ legacy, the smears that Lennon left behind… and the battle to win my babies back, The Times Newspaper, Monday January 4, 1982.

Paul was the easiest to talk to. He had such energy and such keenness and, unlike John, enjoyed being liked, at least most of the time. I don't see this as a criticism; John himself could be very cruel about Paul's puppy dog eagerness to please. The irony was, and still is, that John's awfulness to people, his rudeness and cruelty, made people like him more, whereas Paul's genuine niceness made many people suspicious, accusing him of being calculating. Paul does look ahead, seeing what might happen, working out the effect of certain actions, but he often ends up tying himself in knots, not necessarily getting what he thought he wanted. I think there is some insecurity in Paul's nature, which makes him try so hard, work so hard. It also means he can be easily hurt by criticism, which was something that just washed over John.

Hunter Davies, Western Mail: The Beatles. (April 9th, 2004)

Even Paul’s immaculate manners could not thaw her. ‘Oh, yes, he was well-mannered–too well-mannered. He was what we call in Liverpool “talking posh” and I thought he was taking the mickey out of me. I thought “He’s a snake-charmer all right,” John’s little friend, Mr Charming. I wasn’t falling for it. After he’d gone, I said to John, “What are you doing with him? He’s younger than you… and he’s from Speke!”’ After that, when Paul appeared, she would always tell John sarcastically that his ‘little friend’ was here. ‘I used to tease John by saying “chalk and cheese”, meaning how different they were,’ she remembered, ‘and John would start hurling himself around the room like a wild dervish shouting “Chalkandcheese! Chalkandcheese!” with this stupid grin on his face.’

Philip Norman, Paul McCartney: The Life. (2016)

“He always suspected me. He accused me of scheming to buy over Northern Songs without telling him. I was thinking of something to invest in, and Peter Brown said what about Northern Songs, invest in yourself, so I bought a few shares, about 1,000 I think. John went mad, suspecting some plot. Then he bought some himself. He was always thinking I was cunning and devious. That’s my reputation, someone who’s charming, but a clever lad. “It happened the other day at Ringo’s wedding. I was saying to Cilia [Black] that I liked Bobby [her husband]. That’s all I said. Bobby’s a nice bloke. Ah, but what do you REALLY think Paul? You don’t mean that, do you, you’re getting at something? I was being absolutely straight. But she couldn’t believe it. No one ever does. They think I’m calculating all the time.

Paul and Hunter Davies, 1981

In the wake of his death you didn’t tour for most of the ‘80s. People suggested that you were scared to go on the road. Was that true? No. People speculate about anything. They always credit me with motives I haven’t even dreamed of. It’s interesting, the way they sort of perceive my life and analyse it for me. In that case, I never thought about touring much. People used to say, “Oh, it’s 10 years since you’ve toured.” I’d go, “Is it? Y’know, I’m not counting.” That’s all that was, really. I don’t know why. Maybe I didn’t fancy it.

The Q Interview, 2007

Astrid in Germany was always a bit suspicious of Paul at first, though his relationship with Stu was also bound up in this. 'It used to frighten me that someone could be so nice all the time. Which is silly. It's ridiculous to feel at home with nasty people, just because you feel that at least you know where you are with them. It's silly to be wary of nice people.'

The Beatles (Updated Edition) (Hunter Davies)

Paul is the easiest to get to know for an outsider, but in the end he is the hardest to get to know. There is a feeling that he is holding things back, that he is one jump ahead, aware of the impression he is giving. He is self-conscious, which the others are not. John doesn't care, either way, what people think. Ringo is too adult to think about such things, and George in many ways isn't conscious. He is above it all.

The Beatles (Updated Edition) (Hunter Davies)

Paul today is still the public Beatle, giving interviews at fairly regular intervals, being open and honest about himself and his past, his worries and his pleasures. Naturally, as ever, there are people who suspect his motives, putting him down for being too charming. Paul may be a bit of an actor, acting the part of Paul McCartney, the charming superstar, still loved by every mum, which can make him sound rather prissy at times, but I believe he does tell the truth about himself.

The Beatles (Updated Edition) (Hunter Davies)

“My problem is to me, I come over as this very together guy, always got his finger on top of everything: the man with no problems. School – a doddle, got all the exams. This is the sort of image of me. Actually, I had murder getting through exams, like I was saying about being on tour during my GCEs. I was like the kid who was getting the cane. Just like John was, but he [Phillip Norman] makes me the very shrewd, always-going-to-succeed guy, and John is the kind of cute, working-class hero. In actual fact though, John was just as shrewd and ambitious as I was. What does me in is he adds to this image I’ve got; I resent that, because I know I’m not that, and I know I’ve never been that.

Paul McCartney’s thoughts from 1983 on Phillip Norman’s ‘Shout!’

The funny thing is, when Apple [started], everything was laid out on the table, it’s like a Monopoly game. We saw who had what. I suddenly had more Northern Song shares than anybody, and it was like, oops, sorry. John was like, “You bastard, you’ve been buying behind my back.” John saw everything like a Harold Robbins movie, you know, which it was. He’s not incorrect. I couldn’t get over the fact that we were really involved in all this. I think to this day, he’ll not understand. I don’t think he would accept right now, my naïveté in it. I think he still suspects me of trying to take over Apple. He still suspects that when I offered the Eastmans as [managers] instead of Allen Klein, he naturally assumed that I would be taken care of better than the others, and that the Eastmans could never be moral enough to be equal in their judgment and do the Beatles’ thing rather than Paul’s thing. I think they still suspect to this day.

The point I was trying to illustrate is that it wasn’t so much John being a bastard as it was his being suspicious towards me, always being suspicious towards me. There was Northern Song shares. And I swear on any holy book you want, I know he won’t believe it, but I know for sure that I didn’t buy them with the view to— If I was really trying to do it, I could have bought an awful lot more. So it does hurt a little bit that there’s someone who still thinks, like, I’m out to get them, or that I always was. That’s one of the nice things about it— It’s a pity [I never said to John, “Fuck off, I’m not trying to do it”—and never was]. But he knows I was kind of— We were behind the scenes, and we did a few little [things] that we had to do, and our ambitions, and it was never a kind of terrifying skeletons in the closet. It was always just normal—but, uh, they …

All You Need Is Love – Peter Brown & Steven Gaines

SG: Were the other Beatles anti-Linda? PMcC: Uh, yeah. I should think so. Like we were anti-Yoko. But you know John and Yoko, you can see it now, the way to get their friendship is to do everything the way they require it. To do anything else is how to not get their friendship. This is still how it is with John and Yoko. I know that if I absolutely lie down on the ground and just do everything like they say and laugh at all their jokes and don’t expect my jokes to ever get laughed at, and don’t expect any of my opinions ever to carry any weight whatsoever, if I’m willing to do all that, then we can be friends. But if I have an opinion that differs from theirs, then I’m a sort of an enemy. And naturally, paint myself a villain with a big mustache on, because to the ends of the earth, that’s how they both see me. They’re very suspicious people [John and Yoko], and one of the things that hurt me out of the whole affair, was that we’d come all that way together, and out of either a fault in my character, or out of lack of understanding in their character, I’d still never managed to impress upon them that I wasn’t trying to screw them. I don’t think that I have to this day.

All You Need Is Love – Peter Brown & Steven Gaines

I was never out to screw him, never. He could be a maneuvering swine, which no one ever realized. Now since the death he’s became Martin Luther Lennon. But that really wasn’t him either. He wasn’t some sort of holy saint. He was still really a debunker. “For ten years together he took my songs apart. He was paranoiac about my songs. We have great screaming sessions about them.

Paul and Hunter Davies, 1981

SALEWICZ: Oh, he was presumably very paranoid. PAUL: I think so. I mean, he warned me off Yoko once. You know, “Look, this is my chick!” ’Cause he knew my reputation. I mean, we knew each other rather well. And um, I felt… I just said, “Yeah, no problem.” But I did sort of feel he ought to have known I wouldn’t, but. You know, he was going through “I’m just a jealous guy”. He was a paranoid guy. And he was into drugs. Heavy.

September, 1986 (MPL Communications, London)

Miles says, “I think Jane was always a bit irritated by John. Because he was so acerbic and difficult to get on with. And paranoid. He didn’t make life easy. I suppose it’s a sort of rapier wit, but it was usually just plain ordinary rudeness. There was nothing special about it.”

Paul McCartney profile for FAME Magazine (March 1990)

“They [Lennon & McCartney] saw each other again in 1977. The Lennons and McCartneys ate dinner together at Le Cirque, Paul’s favourite French restaurant in New York. John regretted going; it was a loathsome night. Paul and Linda blathered on and on about how perfect their lives were, how they had everything they’d ever wanted, and how they were as happy as they’d ever been. Something very paranoid suddenly occurred to John. Maybe Lorraine Boyle was spying on him for the McCartneys! He woke up the next morning still feeling disturbed; he consulted the Oracle. Swan assured him that Paul and Linda were frustrated and unsatisfied. Their marriage was in trouble, he said, predicting it would break up within the year. Lately Swan’s visions had been astonishingly accurate. Relieved, John began composing a song—a little ditty, really, that would never be released—in praise of the Oracle’s powers. But he still couldn’t understand why Paul and Linda had been together for as long as they had. There appeared to be a psychic connection between John and Paul. Every time McCartney was in town, John would hear Paul’s music in his head.”

Robert Rosen, Nowhere Man: The Final Days of John Lennon, (2000)

JOHN: […..] And he’s (Jagger) goin’ on about “he never calls. Do you think he ever calls? He never calls me. And he keeps changing his phone number all the time… And he’s hiding behind the kid.” I was hurt by it! You know… The fact that… A, I never call anybody. It’s not pride, it’s just that I never, ever have. REPORTER: Why? JOHN: I never call the other Beatles, I never call anybody. They always call me. REPORTER: Why? JOHN: Cos I’m self-involved! I’m paranoid, too. I don’t like phones… There’s nobody on this earth ever got a call from me that isn’t related, probably. Or a very old friend…

Sept 1980 – John

“Yoko was an extremist and was even more intense than John taking any idea or comment of his to the limit. If, for example, he complained about any of his fellow Beatles she would hint that that Beatle had always been an enemy implying that John should never deal with that person again. Her extreme positions fascinated John and help him take his mind off himself but when she became self-involved and paranoid herself -her paranoia usually dealt with her career, her fame and the fact that even though she had always been famous everyone conspired to keep her from getting even more famous- he had no place to turn. His insecurity about his solo career, his childhood, his relationships with the other Beatles, the way the public perceived Yoko overwhelmed him and he became more and more involved with drugs.”

May Pang, Loving John (1984)

John was lucky. He got all his hurt out. I’m a different sort of a personality. There’s still a lot inside me that’s trying to work it out. And that’s why it’s good to see that wedding-funeral bit, because I started to think, ‘Wait a minute, this is someone who’s going over the top. This is paranoia manifesting itself.’ And so my feeling is just like it was at the time, which is like, He’s my buddy, I don’t really want to do anything to hurt him, or his memory, or anything. I don’t want to hurt Yoko. But, at the same time, it doesn’t mean that I understand what went down.

Paul McCartney: An Innocent Man? (October, 1986)

Some three year later, during the making of Abbey Road, Lennon installed a twin bed in the studio so that Yoko, recuperating from a car crash, could survey proceedings and pass comment though a mike he had suspended over her. The other Beatles positioned themselves around the room as best they could. Yoko would later tell Paul that if, for any reason, he’d seemed to be standing too close to her, all hell would break loose when John got her home. Lennon, she said, was ‘very paranoid’ like that.

McCartney by Chris Sandford

But we were actually quite supportive. Not supportive enough, you know; it would have been nice to have been really supportive because then we could look back and say, “Weren’t we really terrific?” But looking back on it, I think we were okay. We were never really that mean to them. But I think a lot of the time John suspected meanness where it wasn’t really there.

Paul McCartney, interview w/ Chris Salewicz for Musician: Tug of war – Paul McCartney wants to lay his demons to rest. (October, 1986)

I just read about this thing that’s going on sale at Sotheby’s – this Apple booklet with John’s comments in the margins in his own handwriting. It is so bitter. Like, there’s a picture of Paul and Linda’s wedding – and John’s crossed out “wedding” and written in “funeral.” I think it starts to tell there. Another caption says, “Paul goes to Hollywood” – and then he’s apparently written in the margin, “To cut Yoko and John out of the film.” He often thought that we were tryin’ to cut Yoko out of things, to cut her out of Let It Be. I suppose we were, in some degree; because she wasn’t in the Beatles, and it was a Beatles film, and it wasn’t absolutely necessary to have long footage of her in there. She certainly was in there, but obviously they felt she should be in there a little more. I bent over backward trying to see John’s point of view. I still bend over backward trying to not malign him.”

Paul McCartney, Rolling Stone, September 11th, 1986

[heesimp]

random question but tips for losing virginity? i hate still being a virgin but i’m scared to lose it. i see u as the sister of tumblr so i thought i’d ask for advice 💞

i’m so happy you trust me with a question like this!! very honored you think that of me :’) though I can’t like, give you a tutorial about losing your virginity (lol) I can offer up some advice from my experiences. under the cut bc it’s lengthy!

first I’d like to remind you that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose your virginity either. two of these truths can exist at the same time.

these next tips/advice are things I wish someone told me when I lost mine and things I liked about my experience (which is pretty average and tame in comparison to all the stuff I write about). this is purely based on my personal opinions and experience.

1. please make sure the person you’re with makes you feel safe and comfortable. feeling secure during sex doesn’t mean you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them or anything, but sex should be something both parties enjoy! you will encounter some discomfort and pain, but that’s only because it’s new to you. don’t let anybody pressure you into sex. you’re worth so much more than how other people perceive your body.

2. expect some pain and discomfort. inserting anything foreign into your body is uncomfortable at first and if you lose your virginity by someone’s dick inside of you, their size (length + girth) will affect you differently. take it slow.

3. forget what porn (yes, my drabbles included) tell you about sex. this isn’t completely realistic. go at your own pace and don’t force yourself to try anything or go farther than you’re comfortable with, because pushing your boundaries before you’re ready can physically hurt you.

4. don’t be afraid to tell your partner stop/go. communicate with them. sex with multiple people requires communications and since you aren’t experienced (yet) with communicating via body language, it’s important to be vocal about what you want.

5. aftercare is important and under the circumstance that your partner doesn’t offer this for you, drink a lot of water and eat some food. do this regardless tho! you spent a lot of time pushing energy out of your body that it needs time to recooperate and recover.

6. Always Pee After Sex.

7. it’s normal to get a UTI after sex because your body’s protecting you from a foreign object. try not to panic and drink cranberry juice instead (this helped me lol)

8. most importantly though, don’t force yourself to have sex if it doesn’t feel right. losing your virginity truly is not that important and I know it might seem like you’re lagging behind, but nobody’s out here counting experiences or holding it against you (and if they are, they’re weird for that). I say this because a lot of people rush into sex for multiple reasons and sometimes, they develop bad relationships with their body/sex based off of pushing themselves too far before they’re emotionally and physically ready for that.

If there’s one thing to take away from this post: go at your own pace and listen to your body. you dictate what you’re ready.

[aethesfaelibrarae]

(holy shit was I not expecting anyone to like that previous Mouthwashing post—but thank you, genuinely for reading it and this one)

The Mouthwashing brain worms speak to me again—let's talk about hierarchy and caste and the implications in Mouthwashing one more time.

Say what you will about Jimothy's cowardly ass: he's not an idiot. The apathy of the crew is, at least, in part maintained by the top of the ladder: Curly and Pony Express.

Curly starts the game at the top of the ladder, able to help out a guy he perceives in a rough spot with a snap of his fingers, able to control how much sugar anyone got.. Able to control the food, the medicine, the weapons. Curly isn't the sort of person to abuse his power.

But he also isn't the type to use it.

Next up is Jaundice. His second in command, his (traitorous backstabber) right hand man. We'll get back to him.

No, who come next in this hierarchy can be debated—is Daisuke for his youth and potential or is it Swansea for his seniority? It could be both, depending upon the lens of examination. When the chips are down.. Or when they're still able to make a bet?

I'm going with Swansea, simply because of the fact that both Curly and Catastrophic Jameson's headass respect him. Neither of them really correct or step in to ask about his behavior with Daisuke, Jaundiced is more than happy to leave the room alone until it stands in his way and up until the chase sequence is largely unwilling to get into physical altercation.

Daisuke is next on the rung—an intern getting his due hazing. Young, plucky, clumsy, the aimless silver spooned baby of the crew. He wants to be liked by people in the higher rungs and he trusts in their authority. To his own detriment. But for the most part, he's neither too high for the responsibility or too low to really suffer in forced silence. He's protected.

Anya is not. As the sole woman of the crew, soft-spoken, heavily pregnant and forced to entertain her abuser's delusions of grandeur with the wreckage evidence of how far he's willing to go to get rid of her, rinse his mouth of her, all around them.. She starts the game on the bottom of the ladder—ignored, talked over, dismissed. People's—Curly and Catastrophe Jim—eyes skip over her without thinking. It's easy to dismiss her. Empathy is extended to her as an afterthought. Her death an inevitable tragedy. Because either way of framing it, without access to the ax or the gun, the ship was Jimothy's way of shutting her up for good and she knows it. In my previous post, I touched on the difference between the situations that Anya and Curly find themselves and in all honesty, it's defined by who finds themself at the bottom of the rung when Mr. J finds himself a way to the top.

And who else would it be but our resident golden boy himself, Captain Enablement—I mean, Curly. Now that he's completely disabled, useless and helpless.. He finds himself in a position even worse than Anya's. Both of them taking on the brunt of Jimmy's worldview—he's gotten way more than he bargained for from Anya and besides, she was a means to an end. At the moment of the assault, she was an object, the lower rung of the perceived ladder. It wasn't his fault, just look at her—And afterwards.. Well, this whole thing could also be framed as spite. Sneaking behind the golden boy's back and "stealing his girl" or whatever, maybe he knew that he'd be caught and wanted to see something other than Curly's gentle understanding. He wants more. And in direct opposite to Anya, Curly is the center of his world. The spindle upon which Jaundice's last steadily fraying thread of sanity spins. And what an awful place it is to be. He gets front row seats to hindsight truly becoming 20/20 vision when it's a barrel of shotgun—and you're jealous of the fact that it's not aimed at you. He suffers being consumed and thus consuming himself. Looking into why didn't Jimothy just cut up any of the others is a fascinating exercise. By the time he starts eating Curly, this is not the first time he's imagined Curly in the place of food—of nourishment. He imagines him in the place of cake—even the way that he cuts a part of Curly's leg is reminiscent of the way that Curly cuts into the cake. (yes, what the heck Curls but then again, gelatin probably feels weird to cut). Eating someone is often a taboo form of intimacy in media like Preacher's Daughter by Ethel Cain or Tokyo Ghoul..Listen. There's a reason why vore is popular.—it's the most violent type of intimacy.

It's the only type of intimacy Jimmy engages with on screen and yet—There's an equally fascinating intimacy in consuming yourself. And even that is ruined.. Being forced to eat your bile-covered offal again and again and again.. A memory that would scar on its own. But. With the implications of this being the one type of intimacy that Jimmy feels comfortable sharing combined with what the game says about rape culture have "good" men protect and enable their friends.. There's another angle of their friendship there.

Jimmy loves Curly as much as he hates him. He wants him to suffer. He wants him to live. He wants him dead. Who is saying I hope this hurts?

The hierarchy traps them in so many ways—and the first time we see it for what it is is with Curly. Not Jimmy. From Curly's perspective, we see him unfocused and exhausted and Anya offers him a helping ear and he can't accept it. He's the Captain. He can't be seen asking his subordinate for help. Jimmy was removed from the hierarchy in Curly's eyes. Maybe even at the same spot. Co-captains. Two peas in a pod—except one is a festering open wound and the other has his eyes tightly closed, quietly muttering he can fix it if he just gets a little bit more time.. Can't tell the difference between who's who?

Top or bottom of the hierarchy—awful and isolating for two men who claim to take responsibility. Both have some level of inferiority complex—a complex that I'd argue is the becoming the bread and butter of modern day society but is steadily starting to show the signs of where it's been baked into the perceptions of being a man—there is the fear of someone bigger, better and more capable of you.. But there's also that small quiet part that gets told men don't cry that desperately, desperately, wants to have no choice. Almost takes comfort in the idea of someone better than you.

And everyone in between their rungs gets crushed as collateral.

In a caste made by white supremacy, white able-bodied young men who meet societal standards for being in their prime are at the top. Old enough to know better, young enough to play stupid have potential. Just look at all our promising young rapists men with their whole lives ahead of them.

On a ship like the Tulpar, that hierarchy gets a necessary edge—the Captain is the most useful person aboard the ship, the most needed. The man of the proverbial house. The co-captain is like being called vice president—made only as important as the person in that role can make it. Otherwise it's a hollow consolation prize. And Jimothy can't work an honest day in his life. So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Then would be the nurse but.. It's a feminine job, a pink collar job through and through. If Anya had been a man, the jokes would have been targeted at her masculinity but as she is a woman, the role and her usefulness to the crew are invisible necessities. The quiet labor and genius that keeps great men going. I think people underestimate how much work goes into even passing the N-CLEX to become an RN. Anya was trying to get into medical school—she studied the human body extensively and in all honesty, the way that I've read it is (especially with the context clues of her being overlooked continuously) she just wasn't important enough to help out. Medical textbooks are expensive on their own and tests can be upwards of 2,000 dollars (my sources: my mom had to take the N-CLEX 3 times when I was much younger and the financial strain was ridiculous especially if you want to get in on a study group).. And Anya clearly worked for that goal. You don't throw that kind of money at anything else but the goal—the one you could just swear would make it all worth it. Maybe if she was Doctor Anya, the crew would've treated her better.. Her usefulness cemented and people would question how such a nervous woman made it through medical school.. Maybe it would have made Jimmy worse. There's nothing hollow about being a doctor after all.

But Anya is Anya and so Swansea, the mechanic is useful. He keeps the ship going and Daisuke in line. Bitter Knowledge and the Dog Days of Youth.

Wasted Potential (double entendre) and Boundless, Wasting Potential.

Immediately useful and eager to be useful.

Then there's Post-Crash Curly. And I must stress, your usefulness is not your value as a person. But then again, where would ableism find its footing save for such a sad hierarchy? And let's call a spade a spade, once Curly loses his ability to interact with the world as he once did, his skin literally peeled open to expose the soft inner flesh to the cruelty of the world, his small bit of usefulness as a Captain gone.. Most people on the ship act accordingly. Daisuke and Swansea, their places on the ladder's rung unchanged fairly quickly become enured to Curly's cries of pain. Anya, the closest to the his newfound rung.. Continues to care for him, unable to free him as he was unable to free her. Jimmy is all too happy to grind his boot in Curly's face as many times as he can. Until he feels better.

But he won't. He can't.

The game touches on the haves vs the have-nots a lot as well as the creeping sense of human work becoming obsolete, that body horror in being made useless by your own complicity but where it absolutely shines in Jimmy and Swansea—especially Swansea's final speech—is the messaging about the never-ending demand for more, for greener pastures leaving you hollow and bitter. Curly seemed well-aware of Swansea's thought process and leaves him be but internally agrees and fears that ending if he stays in the Captaincy for too much longer.

And that's where I think Jimmy really thinks it was a win-win for him and Curly. He truly doesn't think of the pain that Curly must find himself in, worsened by the constant beatings and continual medical assault. He doesn't think about it as anything more than Curly being a nuisance. One more way that Curly just didn't trust him not to fuck up his eyes eternally trapped in the cold hate and fear as he watches Jimmy proceed to ruin the one thing he took pride in as the metaphorical man of the house: keeping the crew safe.

Jimmy thinks of himself as the son who stayed faithful, worked himself to the bone, only to receive scraps while his undeserving brother is celebrated and lauded.

Within the hierarchy, the system is only as "good" as who remains on top. And "good" people, blindly faithful and eternally forgiving, aren't ruthless enough to stay up there for long.

Jimmy's not a good person but he's not stupid. And he's very ruthless. While there may have been somewhat of a hierarchical situation before he joined the crew, it's clear from his conversations with Anya, Curly valued a more lateral role system as he felt trapped in Pony Express's all-consuming ladder over Jimmy's rigid rungs of better and worse.

But over and over, he isolated the crew to their sectors. Over and over, he demeaned Anya, insulted her and Curly. Leaned into the insults of Daisuke. Left Swansea alone for the most part.

Anya, as much as it pains me to admit this, could have worked with Swansea earlier. But would that have worked? What about Daisuke—the younger version of Curly's eternal optimistic "I've never seen the dead pixel" attitude? The isolation absolutely worked. There's no imagining a world in which it doesn't work unless you imagine the crew as better than they are.

And that's just one more tragedy we can't rinse out of mouths with mouthwash.