#I think the character relationships are super interesting in metal gear

[lostshitpirate]

There’s something kinda interesting about when people write about Kaz’s anger towards Big Boss.

A lot of people write it was like a personal attack on him for not coming to save him and literally leaving him behind with someone else. And while that’s probably a piece of it, I don’t think that’s exactly the full reason.

I feel like it has more to do with how BB is treated one of his men. The staff of Mother Base means so much to Kaz. He’s really genuinely upset when they die or are hurt or are captured. And he sounds relieved and truly thankful when V rescues them and returns them home.

I think for Kaz MSF and Diamond Dogs is his home and his family and it’s really important to him and I think he thought BB felt the same.

Finding out that not only did he not come to help them at all when they needed him but also used one of his men and erased his identity for his own personal goals like destroyed Kaz’s infatuation of BB. And led to his revenge plot against him.

[spicyhamsamson]

Finished Bayonetta 3 and I might as well give a review of it

I’m giving it a tag but if you’re seeing this anyway and still don’t want to be spoiled, this will contain spoilers for Bayonetta 3.

First off, how’s that gameplay? Is it fun?

…I mean, it’s a fucking Platinum game, of course the gameplay’s fun. The combat’s the same as ever: Really fucking good. The new weapons are super unique and all have a really good, distinct feel. I’m a huge fan of the new traversal abilities with each weapon, especially the yo-yo.(oh, what a surprise, the Spider-Man fan likes the weapon that lets you web-swing and wall crawl). I will say I miss being able to combine weapons, but if that trade off is required, I’d say it’s worth it. The new demon slave mechanic took a bit to get used to, but once I got the hang of it, I really enjoyed it.

Jeanne’s side missions are alright. Really not too much to say about them, they’re really just mini games.

Viola’s gameplay is pretty fun, and I liked the feel of both her sword and hand to hand combat. Wish the parrying worked more like Metal Gear Rising, it being on the same button as the rush down is…awkward, especially when I’m so used to the trigger dodge being my main “button that makes me not get hurt”, so the muscle memory makes it even more awkward.

And on the other hand, the story.

Okay, here’s the part that’s been… not as positively received across the board. This story is mixed, imo. There are moments in this story where I definitely thought “oh this is fucking awesome, I love this”. But there were also a lot of moments that left me confused or even outright disappointed.

The alternate Bayonettas fucking rocked. I loved each one of them doing stupid bullshit, and I loved how unique they all seemed, even though they’re literally all the same person.

I was mixed on Viola as a character, tbh. I liked her personality(characters who swear casually are cool), and her design rocks. But on the other hand, I saw her twist coming from a mile away, and I’m…not exactly sure what they were going for with her, tonally. In one scene, I’m supposed to take her completely seriously, but in another, she does a looney toons “looking down and realizing they’re about to fall” gag(not making that up, that genuinely happens). I’m not saying you can’t have a character be in both funny scenes and serious scenes, but I feel like this is literally going to the extremes with both, and it’s a bit much. Cheshire fucking rocks, though. Love that guy. What a freak.

Luka’s new werewolf thing was interesting, but fuck, it is not fleshed out enough. It just comes outta nowhere. There’s a bit of stuff involving alternate Lukas being involved, but we only see one alternate version of him across the whole story. If you wanna make Luka more important, fuckin’ commit to it, don’t half ass it like this.

And…I guess we should address the elephant in the room. A lot of people have talked about the ending, specifically with how Luka’s involved. So I might as well give my thoughts on it. To start off, I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem that Bayonetta ends up with a guy, or even that that guy is Luka. Like…sure, it’s disappointing for everyone who wanted Bayo and Jeanne to get together, but Bayonetta basically outright says she wants to fuck Luka during the first game, and it’s not like Luka’s flirting was always one-sided around her. She teases him back too, this isn’t completely out of left field. For me, at least, the bigger issue is that it’s weird to see Bayonetta get into a serious relationship with any one character. I think of Bayonetta as a character who flirts around a lot, but never really commits to one person, so to go from that to “Bayonetta is destined to be with Luka and they are literally compared to Adam and Eve” out of nowhere is jarring and unnatural imo.

The best character I could use as a comparison is probably Mary Jane Watson(woah, SpicyHamSamson talking about Spider-Man stuff? No wayyyy). MJ, when she first shows up, is a total party girl who flirts with pretty much everyone, but never commits to any specific person for long. Now you may be thinking “Well, hang on a sec, Spicy. Mary Jane ended up falling in love with Peter Parker. That’s committing to a specific person.” And you’re right! But that’s because there’s a specific event that causes Mary Jane to change as a person. And that’s the death of Gwen Stacy, someone both she and Peter cared about very much. Gwen’s death forces MJ to mature, and rather than run away from issues, she makes the decision to stay by Peter’s side and comfort him, as a friend. The tragedy of losing someone they care about brings them closer, and ultimately that leads to them falling in love. And it’s extremely powerful.

Bayonetta doesn’t do that, she just goes from flirting around to “destined to be with Luka forever”. And that just doesn’t work, because it comes out of nowhere. There’s no build up to it, it just happens. And that’s not good storytelling. Hell, Bayonetta and Luka barely interact during this game until the last few levels. If you’re gonna push a romance with some characters, at least show that development. Still, could’ve been worse.

And on a larger scale, the ending of this game just…clashes with the rest of the series tonally. Like, I get it, it’s meant to be bittersweet. But that just doesn’t feel right here. If this has to be Cereza’s swan song, sure. It should be a little bittersweet. But this is Bayonetta we’re talking about. This woman should be going out with a BANG. An encore of her most spectacular display of stupid badass bullshit that’ll blow you out of your seats and into a wall. One of the first things we as an audience saw this character do was suplex 15 angels at the same time. In the second game, her first action scene had her ripping her dress when she KICKS A JET INTO THE SKY. Bayo’s last stand here was really disappointing, especially because they had some really cool shit with the Bayonettas from the other two games showing up and then fucking FUSING with main Bayonetta? Like, that shit was BADASS.

And then they barely do anything with it.

Come ON, you guys, I know you can do better than that! Have all three Bayonettas summon their own Madama Butterfly’s and have them play fuckin’ basketball with the final boss! Let me see Madama Butterfly DUNK a motherfucker.

This is Bayonetta’s farewell tour, and frankly, her final performance just doesn’t seem to hit the way it should. Which is disappointing, because they’re not really gonna get a chance to redo that.

With all that said, I’d say the story is still enjoyable. It’s not great, but with a few exceptions, you won’t be miserable sitting through it.

That being said, if you’re getting this game, it’s probably for the gameplay, and if you’re interested in that, I’d definitely recommend it.

[hetakiba]

characters: Griffith, Otacon from Metal Gear, Adam and/or Amanda from Saw

VERY THANKS, a lotta my favs here

Griffith!

Sexuality headcanon: Gay

Otp: Guts, obvi

Brotp: 🤔 swinging a bit, a friendship with him and farnese would be interesting 😂

Notp: Casca I suppose, but honestly I don't know that I see him being romantically/sexually involved with anyone other than Guts

First headcanon that pops into my head: I don't know if it's very unique or anything, but I think in any other time period/world he'd be mostly pretty normal, in regards to his pursuit for power and whatnot.

Favorite line: I don't know that I can think of any of the top of my head. His conversation with Guts after the ball maybe 🤔

One way I relate to the character: gosh 🤔 I suppose I can be pretty distant to strangers and also most people initially. I would absolutely never fall in love with someone like guts but I def would still be obsessed forever if I was in his position

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I don't know if embarrassment fits what negative emotions I ever feel for him

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?: 😏

Otacon!

Sexuality headcanon: hmm harder to say, but honestly 🤔 probably Gay

Otp: snake!! Obviously, one of my top otps of all time

Brotp: I guess sniper wolf? I'm not too familiar with their in game interactions but it's kinda a funny looking friend group 😂 Oh and his sister, if she counts. And I'd love a world where he gets to know his mother more, would definitely be interesting 😂

Notp: 🤔 I'm not suuuper diametrically opposed to most ships for otacon but I also wouldn't really read any of them 😂 I guess sniper wolf 👍 OH Naomi 🤢 their canon dynamic is so 😑😑

First headcanon that pops into my head: Um. Sits uncomfortably in any chair? Breaks his glasses a lot

Favorite line: 🤔 His monologue with snake at the end of mgs4 makes me cry everytime

One way I relate to the character: Super fixating nerd 👍 I've also considered career paths based on my favorite media 😂 he's probably the closest any of these characters get to me

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I mean I guess his first meeting with snake is pretty embarrassing but he honestly doesn't seem that embarrassed by it so 😂

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?:

Gotta be Cinnamon roll, anything approaching problematic he's done has be incidental/under duress, and I really admire his commitment to righting his wrongs. Also, he's just a nice guy

I'll do both bc saw

Adam:

Sexuality headcanon: Gay! Duh...

Otp: I guess Lawrence, it's similar to my opinion on my otp for amanda, I don't know that I'm necessarily convinced by it, but their canon relationship/dynamic is interesting enough that I'll still read about it

Brotp: Amanda! Obvi... I'm much more convinced of their friendship vs his otp choice. They're like suuuper similar people, I think they're even set up in canon to be parallel characters, I think them being friends earlier could've really altered their lives...

Notp: amanda 😂 I can not even kinda see them romantically

First headcanon that pops into my head: Trans! Super get it, honestly I dig it when people headcanon anyone as trans in saw (for some reason it just really works). Also 🤔 Idk if it's canon or someone else headcanoned it in a fic but I think he has at least one older sibling

Favorite line: 🤔 his final lines in the movie are super well acted so they stick out me, but he has so many fun lines...

One way I relate to the character: Hmm not super passionate about current job 😂

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I definitely feel like there's some line he has that's cringe worthy since he's somewhat notorious for his silly lines but I can't place any specific ones. I find his silliness very charming

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?:

Again, not a huuuge fan of the term Cinnamon roll but he's pretty far from problematic, personally. Definitely deserved better!!

Amanda:

Sexuality headcanon: literally impossible to convince me she isn't a lesbian

Otp: I suppose Lynn, though there's suuuuper little content for any amanda ship. I don't super think they'd work out long term but their dynamic is interesting enough. On the plus to the Brotp with adam, they would have a somewhat similar dynamic to adams otp

Brotp: Adam! Doesn't get to play out in canon but I think they'd get along really well 👍 If that's a cheat because I already said him, then I'd say Jill from saw 2, their relationship made me real sad

Notp: amanda/jigsaw 🤢

First headcanon that pops into my head: other than the lesbianism? 🤔🤔 ?????? If no jigsaw she would've gotten better...? Distant family life? Only child?

Favorite line: "Fix me motherfucker! I'm standing right here!" Youch...

One way I relate to the character: hmm other than the lesbianism? 🤔 I think she's def approaching butch, she seems like independence would be important to her...? Empathetic? (She's probably second on relatability but also, definitely not very much like me irl)

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment: I guess her reliance on jigsaw 😂 a lot of their scenes are... 🤢

Cinnamon roll or problematic fav?: I guess I'd have to say problematic bc of all the... killing, but it's all his fault!! I don't know she'd ever be in 'cinnamon roll' territory but

This was fun thank you 🫂

[prismatoxic]

anyway, fun story:

so @captainfkingmagic got into mgs sometime in 2008. we've been together for like 8 or 9 years now and he's mentioned it a lot (and made me watch metal gear awesome a whole bunch) but you'd be surprised how much media you have to share with each other when you get into a committed relationship. there's still a decent handful of things we haven't gotten around to

so, anyway, this year (like 4 months ago?) he got a hankering to play mgs1 again. he has the ps3 collection, and that seemed the best way to play, and he got somewhere after the ocelot fight when our ps3 (which had been having issues previously but we had repaired) started overheating again. to the point of shutting off. now, this ps3 was my ps3, and his ps3 had already bitten the dust some years prior for similar reasons (exacerbated by it being a launch version with bad soldering). so you can imagine how frustrating this was.

well, we had enough money at the time for him to just go ahead and get us a slim ps3. which took like a week to arrive, and, you know, by then i think he could be forgiven for not having the energy to go through mgs1 again up to the ocelot fight. i don't remember when he decided to try anyway; if it wasn't the night the ps3 arrived then it wasn't too long after.

so he finally gets to show me mgs1. all of mgs1. sans the meryl ending, bc fuck that, he went otacon. i mean, i had to see it, right?

needless to say, i was pretty hooked. i liked it a lot but, admittedly, wasn't super jazzed about mgs2 conceptually bc i knew raiden took over. he said he'd wait a few days to start it, then started it like. 1 day later. gamers amirite

anyway, mgs2 was great. hooked me also. but then i wasn't super jazzed about mgs3, bc it wouldn't be about snake and otacon.

anyway, mgs3 was great. hooked me also. but then i wasn't super jazzed about mgs4, because otacon cheats on snake and also snake gets old and dies.

anyway, mgs4 was... fine. like, it wraps up the solid snake arc pretty well, but it's also fucking batshit and there were several plot points and characters who i just found grating. (naomi. i found naomi grating)

so we finish mgs4 and like, okay, that's the solid snake story. fuck rising, and mgs5 is its own whole beast. so i finally said: hey. you wanna rp otasune?

and of course he did, he's been into otasune for like 15 years but never really got into the fandom aspects of it back then. so here's where things get amusing...

see, i've had trouble getting him to agree to fandom rps in the past, or if he does, had trouble getting him to stick with them. he's too oc-brained. which is fine, but after 4 games i was obsessed and i really doubted i'd find anyone better, more interesting, or more willing to put up with my bullshit. so i was like, okay, let's ease into this. we can do a silly little high school au so the pressures of the canon setting aren't present. and, of course, i'd let him play otacon.

...now you may be looking at my icon. and all my otacon posts. and wondering what that was about. well, see, he likes snake and otacon both, and hadn't expressed to me at any point just how much snake was his favorite (or if he had i had glossed over it). so because otacon was my favorite, i think i just assumed otacon would be his favorite, and even though he knew that wasn't true, he agreed anyway. (maybe i sounded like i really wanted to play snake? in truth i was trying to excite myself about it; i wanted otacon, but if i couldn't have otacon, i wanted to want to play snake).

he did say maybe we could switch it up sometime. i thought maybe he just didn't know who he really liked best, but i was happy to agree.

the first rp was fine, but fizzled out fairly quickly, which made me anxious. despite all my careful approaching, it seemed like we wouldn't be able to stick with it. maybe it was for the best; i found snake hard to capture. i wrote a fic in the high school setting to try and satiate myself.

well, eventually he brought up that he'd like to do something in canon instead. he'd been concerned with living up to canon settings in the past, but mgs was so zany that he figured he could handle it. so we picked after the tanker to set a rp. he asked if maybe he could play snake this time.

i found otacon way easier to write, though i was still feeling out what i wanted to do with him. within days we had a new idea. and then another... and another...

and we're still doing otasune rps. the first one started july 12th. at some point he finally said, hey, i never wanted to play otacon, he's not my favorite. and i was like. oh. well i feel silly now. but i have embraced otacon as my little blorbo now that i know i don't have to compete for him, lmao... love is all about sacrifices! it's also about being a fucking idiot sometimes

[animepopheart]

is there any good romance anime you would recommend?

Oh yes, SO MANY!

There are some great shoujo classics out there. I love love love Kimi ni Todoke. Skip Beat! and Fruits Basket are wonderful as well. I’ve started Lovely Complex, which is now on Crunchyroll after all these years, and it’s beloved also. And though they’re not shounen, Rumiko Takahashi’s series are full of romance—Maison Ikkoku is my favorite.

If you’re looking for romantic comedies, something light and fluffy, there are a billion of those out there. A lot of these shows lose my attention, but some keep me hanging on. Recent ones include The Quintessential Quintuplets, Kaguya-sama: Love is War, Rainbow Days (which is super average but I liked it anyway—a lot of those I’ll be recommending fall into that category), Rainbow Days, and I’ve Always Liked You. Just a little older than those are the Working!! series, Nisekoi, and Love, Chuunibyou, and Other Delusions. Recovery of an MMO Junkie is also recent and is really high quality, very funny, and features adult characters. Some classics include Love Hina, Nodame Cantabile, Kimagure Orange Road, Cardcaptor Sakura (the recent Clear Card Arc is where everything gets into gear); other older series I wouldn’t say are classics, but are fun anyway, are D.N.Angel, Tokimeki Memorial High, and the first seasons of La Corda D’Oro and To Heart.

If you want something a little more dramatic (though the shows above all have drama and most of the ones that follow contain lots of comedy), look to Key series like Clannad (After Story is worth the 39 episodes of build-up) and Kanon, and other series likeTsuki ga Kirei, ReLIFE,Just Because, Suzuka (despite MCs that are hard to like),and Your Lie in April.Some that go into the fantasy and sci-fi genres are The Ancient Magus Bride, Engaged to the Unidentifiedand Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai. A couple that I’m just okay with, but which some love, are Golden Time, Ao Haru Ride, and Amagami SS.

The shows above can get pretty deep, but these following ones particularly also go to interesting places: Oregairu moves from standard fare to “something genuine”; Toradora is a mix of shounen, romance, and character study; Snow White with the Red Hair  features characters unusual in anime for their maturity; Honey and Clover (and from the same creator, March Comes Like a Lion, which is less heavy on romance) isn’t afraid to tackle the difficulties of growing up; After the Rain might make you feel icky, but it’ll also challenge you (and it’s beautifully animated); and Rurouni Kenshin: Tsuiokuhen is an epic and unforgiving backstory to a lighter series.

There are of course so many great romance movies. Ghibli does romance well, particularly in Whisper of the Heart, Ocean Waves, and Only Yesterday. Makoto Shinkai is known for his romantic films like Weathering with You and 5 cm per Second, though I think the best developed romances of his are in Your Name, The Place Promised in Our Early Days, and particularly in two short films / pieces: Voices of a Distant Star and Garden of Words. Other movies with loves stories include A Silent Voice, Patema Inverted, Fireworks, and The Girl Who Leapt Through Time.

Finally, we realize that most anime MUST include romance, even if it’s not a primary focus. There are a few series that do this very well, like Genshiken, Silver Spoon, Cross Game, Escaflowne, Chihayafuru, and Full Metal Panic! The Perfect Insider and Cowboy Bebop are not romantic…but the couples in the shows have really interesting relationships.

I hope that’ll get you started, Anon! I missed a bunch of well-known romance series, but these are special to me, and I hope you’ll fine one or two, at least, that become special to you!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

B2:S - Chapter 4

Much of this series will be about the differences and additions in the novel version, and how they contribute to my understanding of story canon. But there will be character appreciation, the odd theory and headcanon, and suchlike as well.

Here be Viren being villainous, Rayla, Claudia, Soren, and Callum, and tons of culture clash themey stuff

and a tw: animal death, Claudia why

Spoilers for Book Two: Sky below.

Viren's scenes in Book Two: Sky are all amazing because they're full of worldbuilding and character building details. I love to study the word choices used from his perspective. They're so tasty. Like how he forced a servant, and also Soren, to carry his messages to the rookery, so that he never had to go himself. I'm really curious why Viren is forcing a servant, whose job is literally to serve, here. He really only has to ask. Maybe he was mean about it on purpose, or maybe he picked a servant who was afraid of birds just to flex on them. Whatever the reason for the word choice, Viren doesn't seem to like servants' jobs, it seems, especially when they take him somewhere with poop on the floor. It makes it all the more ironic that he sweeps Runaan's cell clean himself, then, humbling himself before he finally figures out the mirror.

Viren's secretive, right down to his very carefully chosen words to those around him, but his true thoughts shine through even more clearly in the book than in the show. He knows he's been sneaking and hiding stuff, and he knows that some of those actions would be called treachery. Stealing the king's seal to forge royal documents is up there on the treacherous list, but it's apparently not there alone. Ah, Viren, such a villainous delight. What have you gotten up to?

The way he thinks of and treats Crow Master is ageist and classist, but certain lines also hint that Viren has spent a lot of time memorizing the finer points of proper courtesy, and he expects others to have done the same. There are many reasons someone might put forth such effort: a commoner trying to better himself to be noticed by a kind prince is a nice version. A sociopath learning to fake caring about rich people so he can blend in with them is less nice. Superconveniently, the skills a young, earnest Viren might use to feel worthy of Harrow's attention will serve him just as well when dark magic ravages his empathy and he has to lie to everyone about how dead he is inside in order to keep his position of power. Until he's not lying anymore and he straight up threatens poor Crow Master with death unless he sends illegal mail for him. There's the Viren we know and uhhhhhh

Rayla and the blue rose! It's so fun to see inside her head here. She acted swiftly in the last chapter to save herself from Claudia's sleep spell, but now that she has to lie there, that thorn really hurts! She wishes she maybe had a different plan instead of playing asleep.

I hope Rayla only calls Claudia's voice "awful" because of association. I love Claudia's raspy voice! It's so neat! Rayla immediately recognizes it as Claudia's, from the castle and identifies her as a dark mage, with a clanky-metal warrior beside her. She gets mad at Soren for apparently calling killing a sport, even though that's not what he said at all. Soren's using an unfamiliar, maybe old-fashioned term, and Rayla's taking it very literally. It's like Viren and Runaan are arguing through them. A fun little example of culture clash.

Also digging the fact that Rayla knows what sleeping breathing looks like, as opposed to awake breathing, for the purposes of faking someone out. Did she just. Perch in a tree over Runaan and Ethari as they napped after a picnic and watched them sleep, or did Runaan help her sneak around the Silvergrove to spy on sleeping elves for training purposes? Also, raise your hand if you've faked sleep breathing to fool someone. that's not just me right

Rayla's sass is a constant delight. Whenever she's up against an enemy, she is outwardly fearless and full of witty taunts and comments, and I love her so much. where could she have learned this from I also love that she can't help but flex on Soren about her technique. It seems that her attitude is part "never show fear" and part "humans are liars."

Claudia and Soren were trying to kill Rayla to save the princes from her. But Rayla was also intent on killing both of them right back. And she wasn't ever gonna tell Callum and Ez about that. Woah. First Harrow, now this. That whole "death and secrets" thing really sank in with her, didn't it? Crack voice in the back of my brain: Ethari does know Runaan stabs people, right, he does know that?

Interesting change of detail from show to book: in the show, Claudia overheats Rayla's swords with some green splattery goo from a little glass jar. In the book, uhhh. She grabs a live bird and squishes it to cast the spell. Eew. Really making a point of dark magic's inherent violence today, I see. Got it.

"Rayla, pipe down." Callum still has a ways to go on how to win friends and influence people here. Everyone's shouting, he's interrupted to save Rayla's life (or so he thinks), and when Rayla shouts that his friends tried to kill her, he tells her--and no one else--to pipe down. Followed soon by "but a 'good' elf." Ahgod. He doesn't think he's taking sides, but he's got two humans versus one elf, and he's a human himself, and his underlying biases are showing. He's 14, and he's willing to learn, though--and he really does learn and grow over time. But this version of this scene was just. So. Painfully. Awkward.

I feel like this version was part of a larger theme I'm seeing throughout the first half of the book, emphasizing that Callum comes from years of having a crush on Claudia, and it takes many scenes with Claudia and with Rayla to shift through several gears with each of them in order to facilitate the possibility of breaking with Claudia and then also of falling for Rayla, in a way that feels organic within the structure of the story being told.

Also Callum super has a type and it's Girls Who Will Commit Murder. I don't make the rules.

Rayla's defense just attacks Callum's word choice: "What do you mean, 'but a good elf'? Do you know any bad elves?" And I just. Rayla, honey. You're not in any better of a spot than Callum right now. Your mentor literally stabs people to death. You're both literally assassins. Some humans could accept most elves, but they might draw the line at assassins.

But this tiny clash in the midst of this war, this single exchange of words, is such a great microcosm, the war made personal. It's early enough in their adventure and their growth that they're still sounding a lot like their parents. And that includes Claudia! She demands to know how an elf can be good, and Callum allows that it's possible for good elves to exist, but he has to be the one to say it, not the actual elf behind him. And the actual elf behind him insists that her kind are all good, thank you very much, and implying otherwise skirts very close to "humans are liars."

It's quite a tangle, but having the main characters tangled up like this shows us that as they untangle themselves in their own personal situations, they're learning things about human and elven hearts, about relationships and family, and those things are universal truths which they can use to help them understand other people's troubles, as well as the larger issues involved in the war they're trying to stop.

Callum assessing--and then reassessing--his confidence level. It's adorable, and it serves to show that his first scrambling attempt to make peace, in which he messed up a little but at least no one died--won't be his last. He's not really sure how this is gonna go. Everything is new. But he's dedicated to peace, and he's not giving up. He did just run in between Soren and his target while Soren was holding a sword.

He keeps doing that. Standing in front of people who have their weapons raised in his direction. And he does it with a ridiculous amount of chill. Is this Sarai's influence on him? Considering that Harrow has kept his distance, maybe so! I'd love that.

This chapter ends with some fun relationship drama when Callum gets butterflies in his stomach at being around Claudia again. She tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, and he forgets all about telling her about smashing her primal stone. He instantly worries that Rayla saw her gesture, which of course she did. Callum's nervousness and Rayla's glare feel to me like they're supposed to fit into a tactical box instead of a romantic box, but I can see how it could be interpreted the other way. Callum just intervened in a fight that Rayla completely intended to end by secretly killing Claudia and Soren, so in Rayla's mind, she's probably convinced that Callum intervened to save his girlfriend's life, while he's sure that he just saved Rayla's. She's probably angry because Claudia's gesture is making her think that Callum only seemed to be trying to save Rayla when his true intention was to save Claudia all along.

Dun dun dunnnnnnn.

[mogsk]

So I watched an anime called “Violet Evergarden” recently, the elevator pitch of which is basically “feral girl is taken in by military man, turned into a child soldier, military man dies, but not before telling her ‘I love you’, but she doesn’t know what that means, so after the war she becomes a ghostwriter with the ostensible aim of figuring out what ‘I love you’ means through other people’s expressions of love via letter-writing.

It’s a good little concept, and while I enjoyed it, it’s also stuck in my brain as being profoundly odd from a storytelling perspective.

Like, the initial premise is v strong, Violet’s driving objective is to understand the last thing she heard her father figure, “The Major”, say to her before she blacked out and woke up with no arms. She was a feral orphan child with little grasp of language or expression, and so she is burdened with not understanding what this very important person to her was trying to convey before they parted ways. Good shit.

And it seems to carry this fairly well at first. Each episode varies in how much it advances the central plot, but each boils down to Violet having to learn a lesson about how people express their feelings for each other, how they express love through words, or how they fail to do so, and so slowly she goes from only being able to produce very precise and terse letters which read more like military reports, to being able to swoop in and fix people’s interpersonal problems with the power of a well-dictated love note.

Where it kinda falls apart for me is about halfway through the series, where we see that Violet has more or less grown into her role as protagonist in an anime about the power of letter writing and the meaning of love (-ish). She’s gotten so good she’s tasked with facilitating one half of a romantic correspondence between the nobles of two nations whose relations are still tense after The War (which Violet fought in), and so have decided to arrange a marriage between their noble children -- a 14-year old girl and a 24-year old man.

Now up to that point, the messaging around the central theme felt odd, but it made sense, like, Violet is growing to understand love, and so how the show does this is by giving her a lot of weird and fraught situations around that theme: we have a woman who is in love with a man, but she wants to play hard to get which Violet ruins by writing a letter that just directly states ‘I have no feelings for you, please stop calling on me’. So then she goes to letter-writing school where one of her classmates has an alcoholic brother who she wants to express her love and thanks towards, but doesn’t know how to pierce the barrier of grief surrounding him due to the death of their parents in The War. 

It keeps on like this p consistently, the central question “What is love? What does someone mean when they say ‘I love you’?” is addressed fairly cleanly, but then, once the issue of Violet’s struggle with being able to convey people’s emotions becomes effectively resolved, we kinda start to leave the rails!

Back to the mid-point episode, so, through trying to properly convey this 14yo princess’ feelings, Violet learns what her true feelings are. No, it’s not that she is discontent with being forced to marry a man ten years older than her because, you see, they already secretly met at a royal party when she was, like...10?? And he found her crying and was, like, “Hey kid, you okay?” and that was the first genuine expression of human emotion outside of her dutiful maid she’d ever gotten. You see, what her discontent is is that she knows the man she met, with a heart so simple and pure he feels compelled to comfort a crying child, would never write these letters, and so Violet conspires with the prince’s ghostwriter to allow them to have a more honest correspondence (which is then reprinted in all the newspapers around both countries.)

What got me about this episode is how it, like, throws all these different narrative threads in the air around this central theme of “What is love?” -- the concept of arranged marriage, the idea of confusing appreciating someone’s kindness for having other feelings for them, the MAID who is, like, the princess’ closest friend and confidant, but who has to explain that, once she’s married off, they will have to part ways because she doesn’t serve the princess, she serves the royal family and there’s this great scene where the princess is weeping after she says that and the maid is like “I cannot accept that command, I will continue standing here right by your side” and it’s really intense!

But then...it all gets dropped in the interest of the final note being...yeah sometimes you have to marry a guy in his twenties when you’re just a teenager, but love’s just funny like that ig!

Which sounds ungenerous, and like, I wanted that to be the case, I wanted it to be setting up something, like, “Despite Violet gaining proficiency in letter writing, she still is struggling to understand the more nuanced dimensions of love and so her shortsightedness will come back round to bite her in the ass” (it does not, we even get a montage of all the people she’s helped including the newly married royal couple smiling happily at the camera.) 

We then get more episodes like this, where Violet’s done learning about Love and is now in effect teaching it to others. She does this by...sitting and looking pretty with a guy while they wait for a comet to go by, imitating a playwright’s dead daughter so he can be inspired to finish his play, and...writing a bunch of letters on behalf of a mother dying from anime mom disease, but who wants to be able to speak to her daughter as she grows up through a series of pre-written birthday letters.

And, like, in isolation, it’s all very moving! Each story has a very touching emotional drive to it, but it seems like the question of “What does ‘I love you’ mean?” p much falls to the wayside, even after we get the big 3/4s of the way through reveal that the Major is dead and Violet didn’t know! So we’re treated to flashbacks of their relationship, including the moment where he repeats that damning phrase!

But then we really don’t pick it back up again? It kinda superficially grows in relevance as we approach the conclusion, but it’s never again properly addressed until after a sudden spat of military drama breaks out with people trying to reignite The War and Violet suddenly having to put down her typewriter and pick up her combat knife, but now, for some reason, she refuses to kill people because...she isn’t just a tool?

And I think this is what ultimately frustrated me, is that those are two great themes “Discovering what it means to love” and “Can a person conditioned to fulfill a specific purpose ever be free to choose their own path?” but the problem is, the series really has centered itself on the former while kinda sorta implying the latter, but in the final scenes, we are suddenly given a resolution to the latter (which is basically Metal Gear Solid, “You are not your DNA”, “Just live Snake” that’s been done beautifully and with more thought already by, well, Metal Gear Solid) whereas the former, what was the entire driving force behind Violet’s character development is kinda sorta hand-waved off as “What is love? I still don’t think I know, but maybe that’s just how it is!” which is fucked up coming from someone who by the midway point is basically counselling or facilitating love between people!

So, like, I enjoyed it a lot, there were some great moments and the supporting cast, while mostly one-dimensional save for Violet herself, made for at least nice scenery, but I’m just so blown away by how they seemed to manage to forget (or ceased wanting) to tell the story they laid out in the beginning in favor of some p uniform military drama that suffered precisely because most of the series was dedicated to developing the central theme that it ultimately seemed to abandon, or perhaps came across as being burdened with having to carry into the conclusion.

Also it was super fixated on dads, like, The Major is basically Violet’s dad, his best buddy who goes on to hire Violet as a ghostwriter has a big reveal in the end that he’s been writing letters to his hypothetical future child, the sad dad playwright with the dead daughter -- I dunno what to do with all this besides the usual base level of suspicion I have for all dead-heavy content, but yeah!

There’s two movies, a side story from mid-way through the series and a sequel, and I feel like I almost have to watch them at some point, just so I can tie a neater bow on how I experienced this whole story, but yeah, Violet Evergarden, come for the cool metal typing hands, stay for the heartfelt explorations of what it means to love people, shift nervously in your seat when dads suddenly become involved!

[star-spangledstud]

A Deadly Gift

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x enhanced(female!)reader

Summary: You and Bucky play your yearly game of hide and seek.

Word count: 3400-ish.

Warnings: +18 SMUT (don’t read if you’re a minor), blood (knife play, gun play), gore, rough sex at its finest, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it!)

A/N: this is a lot. I don’t know where it came from, but here it is. Might be a little (or a lot) AU for Bucky’s character, but whatever. I’m crazy and this was hella fun to write. 

Your heart was beating so fast you were convinced you were gonna have a fucking heart attack. You’d been on the run for at least four hours now, trying your hardest to keep as much distance between you and him as humanly possible. The only problem? He was known as the Winter Soldier, a man who wouldn’t stop until he completed his missions whatever the cost and right now, the only thing on his mind was your immediate capture.

Sure, he wasn’t under HYDRA’s mind control anymore, but he still possessed the deadly qualities of his former alter ego. He was incredibly fast on his feet, insanely stealthy and extremely deadly, and no matter how far away from him you thought you might’ve gotten, the chances of him sneaking up on you remained, lingering like a mist that clouded your common sense and rational thinking processes.

Bucky Barnes had been gracious enough to give you a fairly large lead, allowing you a two-hour head start before he’d come chasing after you with everything he had. You didn’t waste any time after the clock began to run, slamming the door shut in his face before you took off in a blind sprint for the woods behind the house you rented just for the occasion. That was so long ago that it was starting to get dark. This was an advantage for him with his heightened sight, hearing, and sense of smell, but not for you. You weren’t a super soldier, nor were you Daredevil. 

You purposefully didn’t put on perfume or body lotion and you hadn’t washed your hair in a few days, afraid your signature scent would be a dead giveaway to your whereabouts. Over the years, you’d grown smarter, making the game harder for him each time it was his turn. Still, it thrilled him to chase you down, and you were a great location scout.

You sat still for a moment, straining your ears in an attempt to focus on the sound of his combat boots on the soil or the gears in his metal arm twisting and turning with low hums. It was hard for you, nearly impossible to distinguish the sound of animals rustling between the trees and a deadly assassin on the hunt for you. You knew had to slow down your breathing to a controlled speed as fast as possible, afraid he might be able to hear the pounding against your chest in the deafening silence of the northern forest. You took five minutes, that was all you allowed yourself to calm down and take a breather. He could be miles off for all you knew, but he could be watching you as well from just beyond your view, waiting to pounce until he’d driven you into a corner like a lion did on a wounded animal. It made you dizzy. 

When you thought back on how your relationship started, you couldn’t help but snort in irony. You hated him at first, treated him like the enemy even after he’d been accepted into the team with open arms because of Steve. You didn’t trust him, even after he went to Wakanda to get that mind control shit extracted from his brain. You didn’t like the way he would sneak up on you when you were making pancakes for breakfast, or the way he’d look at you for minutes on end without blinking during three-hour long mission debriefings. 

You were sick of the way he’d stare at you while you were running miles on the treadmill, always looking at your ass in tight Gymshark leggings but never saying a word to you. So, you decided to confront him, to tell him to fuck right off and mind his own goddamn business or else.  

It only took for him to say one word before you were on your knees in the changing room, sloppily sucking on and licking down his beautiful cock until he came down your throat. It wasn’t the word itself that made you so angry you wanted him to fuck the rage out of you. It was the way he smirked slyly when he said it. Sorry. 

It took you two nearly a year for your relationship status to change from fuckbuddies to boyfriend and girlfriend. Everybody knew it coming except for you, you’d never been interested in a relationship before him. You didn’t know what it was about him that drew you in, but he was like a drug you’d never be able to quit. He was everything you’d ever wanted in a man and everything you didn’t know you wanted. If there was such a thing as soulmates, you were convinced he was yours. 

Of course, the former iron fist of HYDRA came with baggage. He’d wake up in the middle of the night screaming sometimes, drenched in his own sweat. One time, he’d tried to murder you in your sleep. Still, you stuck with him, offering him a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on when he needed it. He loved you, you could tell from the way he’d glance at you while you checked your phone first thing in the morning and the way he cherished and worshiped your entire body from the tips of your toes to the crown of your head. He was gentle with you, making sure to always put your needs above his own, a true 1940′s gentleman. He held doors open for you, held an umbrella over your head when it rained, carried you to bed when you were too damn tired to move another muscle after sparring and he’d take you out to dinner at least twice a week. He was sweet, soft when you were alone with him and he cared about you so much it nearly gave you cold feet once. Bucky Barnes was almost too sweet. 

He knew you were close by. He’d heard your exasperated breathing an hour ago to his east, after which he decided to grant himself a break. He didn’t want the game to end so soon. The more he allowed you to think you were in control, the more worked up you’d be. The wetter you’d be for him. 

He sniffed the air after being seated on a dead tree trunk in the middle of nowhere for almost thirty minutes. Your scent, naturally sweet and powdery, stuck to the leaves you’d swatted out of your face with your hand while trying to run through them. No perfume indeed, he applauded you for that, but he could still smell you in the sea of pine needles and dirt. You were getting further away from him, almost too far, so he began to jog, placing his feet on the ground so softly he looked and sounded like a ghost. Right now, he was your biggest nightmare. 

You panted harshly, leaning against a tree with your hands on your knees. You hadn’t heard a single sound except for a howling owl in the past hour and were confident in the distance you managed to create between you and James. You knew it couldn’t last forever, that he’d find you sooner or later, but it was that exact knowledge that caused your belly to tighten and your heart rate to speed up to an almost uncontrollable speed. You clenched your thighs together and smiled in the darkness while you explored your surroundings, already excited at the thought of it being your turn next time. You were thinking the Amazon, or maybe Egypt. Not a lot of cover in the desert, though, but that was his problem.

He knew he had you right where he wanted you when he heard the sickening crunch of a twig breaking under the ball of your left foot. He had better senses than you, but you clouded him nearly as much as he did you, causing him too to step on a twig, its sound ringing through the trees until it reached your heaving form.

“Shit,” you cursed under your breath, earning a loud laugh to escape his lips. The sound echoed through the trees, making a chill run along the entirety of your spine. 

“Come on out, baby doll,” he taunted, “There’s nowhere left to run.” 

You could hear the sound of a blade unsheathing and quickly followed his action, grabbing your knife from your boot and gripping it tightly in your hand as a form of protection. He was stomping now, not giving a flying fuck whether you heard him or not. The game was up, he was going to win. He won every time, although this was the longest you’d ever gone without being caught. 

“I’m going to find you,” he continued, “and you won’t like what happens to you when I do.” 

You took a deep breath and wiped the sweat from your brow. Then, you launched yourself at him. He chuckled when he saw you emerge from between the trees, easily blocking the first jab you threw at him. The black mask that covered his mouth obscured his voice somewhat, but you could still hear him laughing loud and clear. He toyed with you when he easily tossed his knife in the air, catching in his other hand without even looking at where it landed. 

Fucking hell, that turned you on. 

He grabbed your arm and twisted it, forcing you down on your knees with the push of his foot on your back before the fight had even had a chance to get started. 

“Told you I’d find you,” he smirked. 

You turned your head around and spat in his face, saliva dripping down his cheek and wetting the mask, “fuck you.”

It didn’t take much for you to break free from his grasp. After all, he was the one who taught you how to do it. You hooked your leg under his own, sending him flying to the dirt. He landed on his back with a thud, but before you could run away again, he was already back on his feet. The knife in his hand found its way in your shoulder, sinking deep into you. You cried out in pain, screaming when he pulled it back out in a fluid motion before he tossed it to the side. If he needed another knife, he’d take yours. 

“I said, fuck you!” You shouted again, kicking back your leg into his left thigh. 

“Oh baby,” he said quietly as he wiped the spit from his cheek, “that’s exactly what I intend to do to you.”

You ran away, but he was much faster. In less than ten seconds, he had you on the ground with a thud, gasping for air while he began to drag you back to your previous spot by your ankles. You screamed and tried to kick him, but he pulled your legs apart, holding them in a grip so tight you felt like you could never break free. Instead, you twisted your torso in a half sit-up, taking your knife and plunging it into his calf. It pierced his skin and flesh, but he didn’t say a word, even as you retrieved it with a twist that sent blood gushing down his pant leg.

He grabbed your knees next, pulling you closer to him with a hard yank. You flailed your legs and punched him wherever you could hit him, but he only held you tighter, creating marks on your skin that would surely bruise even when he heard his bones crack under the force of your fists connecting with his body. 

You slashed his arm, breaking the fabric of his tactile suit and exposing his skin. The blade connected with his flesh and drew blood that dripped down his arm and into the soil beneath. You momentarily managed to break from his grasp and punched him in the face, sending it flying to the side. Another punch, bruising his cheekbone and another, splitting his lip underneath the mask. He took the knife from you with a growl and tossed it into the darkness, adrenaline overpowering the feeling of his burning leg.

You grabbed his hair and yanked his head back, allowing you to free yourself from his hold. Instead of running, you got up to fight, wiping dirt from your cheek before hurling your fist at him. He barely managed to dodge the attack, grabbing your arm as it flew passed his face and twisted it painfully behind your back.

You were on the floor again in under a minute. 

“You like hurting me, don’tcha?” he grinned, straddling your waist and grabbing hold of your wrists. 

You looked up at him through damp lashes, unaware of the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes. You hardly recognized him hovering above you, eyes so black they looked like obsidian. You tried to wiggle out from underneath him, a moan escaping your lips when his hard cock came in contact with your clothed core.

“Bucky,” you mewled, shutting your eyes, “shit.” 

“Don’t fucking call me that,” he ordered, “Or I’ll shoot you in the face.”

He began to pull a gun from the waistband of his trousers and proceeded to cock the safety and pointed it straight at your face. You kicked your legs wildly, straining against his metal hand around your wrists with all your might. He didn’t budge, not even as you stared down the barrel of the Glock. The fear of dying to the hands of the man you loved caused your entire body to vibrate. 

“Sarge,” you bucked your hips into his, “Sergeant fucking Barnes.” 

He pushed the gun into your temple, cold iron chilling you to the bone. Then, he lowered his head, pressing a rough kiss to your open mouth through his mask. You could taste the fabric on your tongue, mixed with blood, his blood.

“Shut the fuck up,” he barked, “this is your fault, not mine. So easy to find. You’re gonna have to blindfold me next time. Maybe then it’ll finally take some effort.”

“I’ll gouge your eyes out with my nails instead,” you snarled. 

His mouth met yours again, but instead of kissing him back like before, you headbutted him. Your forehead connected with his nose, sending blood squirting in your eyes and face. He cursed this time, almost removing his grip from your wrists out of reflex, but ignored the burning sensation in his nose and the heat of streaming blood down his face.

He hovered over you for a moment, taking in the sight of you, lying under him with his blood coating your scowling face. Your hair, long and messy, had fallen from the ribbon you’d used to secure it in place and your chest heaved up and down. With a grunt, he placed the gun back in his waistband with the safety back on. You ripped off his mask, crashing your lips to his in a kiss so heated you could set the forest aflame. Teeth, lips, and tongues collided painfully, eliciting a moan from the back of your throat so wonderful Bucky’s dick twitched in his pants.

He grabbed the nearly forgotten butterfly knife hidden inside his shoe and used it to slice open the front of your t-shirt. You had goosebumps all over your skin when the blade dragged across your naked skin. With the flick of his wrist, Bucky sliced your bra from your chest, exposing your already peaking nipples to his wanting eyes. The knife quickly disappeared from view again, but the thought of him pulling it out again had you squirming under him in anticipation. He undid your pants next, forcing them down to your ankles before finally undoing his own. 

The sight of his cock, long and hard and dripping with pre-cum as it sprung free from his boxers drove you up the fucking wall.

“I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t breathe,” he smiled, “gonna fuck you so hard I’m gonna have to drag you back home by your ankles.” 

The weight of his body on top of you, his heavy breathing in your ear, the way he bit at the exposed skin on your neck, all of it combined had you soaking wet for him in seconds. He found out soon enough because his metal fingers found your folds seconds after your pants were around your ankles. He rubbed your clit in slow motions, drawing a moan so delicious from your mouth he wanted to cum then and there. 

“Gonna get you ready for my cock now. You’ll take it like a good girl.” 

A gasp left your mouth when three of his fingers plunged inside of your already soaking pussy. He didn’t waste any time, pumping into you at a fast speed until your pussy was sopping wet.

“So fucking wet,” he smirked, “every. Damn. Time.” 

His fingers left you far too soon. You whined, the need for him to fill you up rising with each passing second. He licked his fingers, savoring the sweet flavor of your slick on his taste buds.

“You’re gonna be on top,” he said, “get on my fucking dick and don’t get off until you make me cum.” 

You nodded quickly, wincing when he squeezed your wrists before letting you go. He sank down on the soil, grabbing you under your arms and hoisting you on top of him with a hard yank. 

You lowered yourself down on him, inhaling sharply at the sensation of his dick stretching your pussy. You didn’t think you’d ever get used to his size. His hands gripped your ass, his metal hand and his flesh one offering a delicious contrast that sent sparks flying before your eyes. Then, you began to ride him, slow at first, pushing down on him until he bottomed out inside you. He hit your most sensitive spot, nearly sending your senses into overdrive.

With a wicked grin on your flawless face, you reached behind you. You dug your finger into the stab wound on his calf, causing his eyes to screw shut and a loud groan to spill from his lips.

“You like that, don’t you?” You asked, pressing harder into the wound you’d created moments before. 

He reached behind him, pulling the gun from behind his back. He pushed it into your side, nudging for you to move faster. You complied instantly, picking up the pace on top of him.

You nearly came when he pressed the cold metal against your clit, using the barrel of the gun to rub aggravated circles against the sensitive bud. 

“Good girl,” he panted, “make yourself cum on my cock.”

You gripped his shoulders, arching your back to create selfish pressure against your g-spot. You rocked your hips back and forth while he twisted and flicked your nipple. You kissed him again, eliciting a nasty moan into his mouth. 

You came hard, so fucking hard your vision blurred. He shoved the gun in your hand and forced his hands on your hips, pushing you faster up and down his dick until he came as well, cum shooting in spurts against your clenching walls.

You collapsed on top of him, panting and gasping for air while his head collided with the earth. You laid there for God knows how long, one of his hands rubbing circles on your back as the other caressed your cheek. Finally, he took off his jacket, hanging it over your shoulders to keep you warm. 

“Sorry I broke your nose,” you mumbled before kissing him gently, “you’re still handsome, though.” 

He smiled, “Be good as new in a week, baby. You went soft on me. I expected more of a struggle.”

You felt his hand travel under the jacket over the spot where he stabbed you and hissed in pain, “sorry bout that.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled softly, “be good as new tomorrow.” 

You may not have been a super soldier, but you healed fast. 

He offered his hand, placing the gun back in the waistband of his trousers.

“We have a long way back ahead of us,” he smirked, “You came a long way this time. No helicopter though, thank God. That was annoying as hell.” 

You nodded, biting your lip as you began to follow him through the trees. He walked with a limp, but he was fine. The serum never failed him.

“Hey, James?” You asked as you tried hard not to trip over the bed of leaves and twigs below your feet, “shoot me next time, will you?”

“Sure thing baby,” he said, kissing you softly on the temple, “happy anniversary.” 

Yeah, you sure as fuck were going to have fun chasing him next year. 

[thanksjro]

Dark Cybertron Chapter 7: Simon Furman and His Lack of a Relationship with the Singular They

The Lost Light is still being attacked by Ammonites, like it has been for the last few issues. Hound’s taken over as acting field commander and is calling all the shots. Chromedome uses his stupid beefy arms to punch things. Trailcutter is screaming. Swerve’s got his My First Blaster™ strapped to the top of his alt, and saves Crosscut.

Crosscut is our toy tie-in character for this issue. He’s a senator, and drafts play scripts. Arguably one of the more interesting tie-in guys, at least in theory. In practice, all he’s doing is forgetting Swerve’s name, which isn’t going to help the guy with his through-the-floor self esteem.

Crosscut points out that Swerve’s communicator is flashing, and while he’s checking his voicemail, all the Ammonites seemingly vanish… at least, until the gang realizes that they’re instead heading for Metroplex.

Inside, it would appear that the Rod Pod Squad aren’t actually dead, though their ride is probably toast. Before everything went to hell, a wall slammed down from the ceiling, protecting everyone from being utterly destroyed. Skids has figured out what all the arrow graffiti is about, earning himself a BOMP from Getaway. Looks like the internal structure of Metroplex has been shifting, and that’s why they got the runaround last issue. Also, Whirl’s gone missing, but we don’t have time to worry about that, because Swerve just called back with some bad news: the admium flakes they saw earlier mean that Metroplex has an alchemical virus.

Don’t you look at me like that, I’m getting to the explanation.

Alchemical viruses turn the metal of the body into admium, a rare, incredibly soft metal that will break down very easily and also kill you. It’s pretty bad to have. Also, contagious. Fellas better get outta there, posthaste.

The Ammonites are also storming Metroplex, so that’s an additional issue. God, it just never stops, does it?

Over in the Dead Universe-

Is

Is that a fortress of evil in the shape of Nova Prime’s head?

Is that a goddamned fortress-

Anyway, the center of Nova Prime’s universe is Kup, who was the guy who got oh-so-dramatically revealed at the end of the last issue. Unfortunately, Orion Pax also considers Kup to be very near and dear to his heart, and the whole “being turned into a space bridge” thing is going to be an issue.

This is the weirdest love triangle I’ve ever seen.

How the hell did Kup even get here? Well, in order to know that, you’ve have to had read Infestation, the bullshit zombie crossover comic miniseries that ran in 2011.

But I’m not going to do that.

Because I don’t want to.

After a bit of showboating, Nova Prime orders Nightbeat to take Team -Imus to their cell.

Over on Cybertron, Shockwave is getting real sick of Galvatron’s shit, but Galvatron is too busy posing dramatically to notice. Waspinator, Metalhawk, and Dreadwing float in the air. I’m not sure what they’re up to, but I’m sure it’s important. Jhiaxus shows up with a gaggle of goons, one of which seems to have forgotten his face in the jar by the door.

Galvatron gets shamed for tearing Megatron in half, since that sort of broke the space bridge in his torso, but he’s too busy being classist to care. Waspinator floats in the background. What are you doing back there, pal?

Shockwave orders Waspinator to carry Megatron to his quarters, but Galvatron’s decided that he’s going to be an asshole about everything today, even when he’s being helpful.

…Okay, Boomer.

Waspinator still ends up hauling Megatron’s ass away, and Shockwave and Jhiaxus have a little chat.

Back in the dead universe, Team -Imus are in their cell, as Nightbeat double-checks the locks or some shit, I dunno. They’re gonna get their sparks ripped out later in the day, so that the space bridge Kup’s got running in his torso finally has enough juice to actually friggin’ work.

Then Rodimus flashes his mystery hand at Nightbeat and makes him fall down. In order for the whole brainwashing thing to work, Nightbeat’s true nature had to be suppressed; however, whenever Rodimus shows off his mystery hand, it makes his brain kickstart back on, messing up the brainwashing.

Well, you know what, Cyclonus? That’s not my fucking fault. Blame Roberts and Barber. I certainly do.

ORION PLEASE.

We finally get a look at what Rodimus’ hand mystery is, and if you read Eugenesis, you might know where this is going. It would seem Nightbeat has not- which is for the best, really, given what happens to him in it- but he’s still a pretty smart cookie and can suss it out through the power of deductive reasoning. Here’s what he’s working with:

After a moment’s deliberation, he asks Rodimus, who he knows to be the captain of a ship, how many folks are riding around in the space yacht. Rodimus tells him 190, and shows off that he’s got his lipgloss on, and it would seem that Nightbeat’s a free man again. He lets everyone out of the cell, and they gear up to go pick up Kup. Orion Pax is confused as to what the hell just happened here, and Rodimus promises to explain why he’s carved a division problem into his palm once they aren’t in immediate danger.

Back on Cybertron, Galvatron and Waspinator are dragging Megatron’s halves towards Shockwave’s quarters, when Bumblebee pops out of nowhere with a gun and a mouth full of swears. He’s here for Megatron, and he’s not taking “no” for an answer. Galvatron thinks that this is super fucking funny, and tosses Megatron like an empty soda can into the wall so he can squash a bug.

It looks pretty grim for ol’ Bumblebee, but suddenly Galvatron realizes he left the oven on that Megatron’s gone missing.

Oh, there he is!

Megatron blasts Galvatron in the torso, then- in a surprisingly polite manner, at least for him- tells Bumblebee to grab his legs so they can get out of here. As the two of them traverse the burned-out husk that is Cybertron, Megatron decides to be a complete bastard, as he smiles at the idea of Starscream suffering. Like, dude, I know he kept you in weird hamster ball jail and spouted soliloquies in your general direction every single day you were there, but folks are dying right now.

Speaking of Starscream, he’s having a moment, as he sits on his knees and stares at the sky in abject horror while the world burns around him. Scoop comes by to yell at him for being a harbinger of death, and generally being a less than stellar leader, and Starscream halfway calls himself a dumpster fire.

Back inside Metroplex, the Rod Pod Squad are fortifying their defenses against the Ammonites, even though they really need to be getting the hell out of there before they get turned into talcum powder through the power of alchemy. Whirl shows back up, the Ammonite hanger-on in his grasp, and we get the skinny on why the hell the Ammonites are involved with this whole debacle anyway.

The answer is Shockwave.

The answer is always Shockwave.

Then the little dude explodes. It’s fine, they do that sometimes.

Before he went kablooey, little dude uttered the phrase, “if the dead are not enough.” We’ll get to what all that’s about later. Right now there are far more important things going on.

LIKE MOTHERFUCKING LADY ROBOTS.

But why is this such a big deal? Why is it that non-male coded robots who aren’t Arcee haven’t been seen up until this point? What’s up with that, huh?

Well, in order to understand IDW’s complicated relationship with gender, we’re going to have to do some digging into the history of Transformers as a franchise.

We’re going to have to talk about Simon Furman.

We're going to have to talk about Prime's Rib.

And we’re going to have to talk about Spotlight: Arcee.

Simon Furman wrote a lot of Transformers. You cannot get away from Simon Furman, because the man is so ingrained in the franchise. He was there for Marvel UK, he was there for the back half of Marvel US, he wrote for several other publication runs of Transformers, he worked on the Earth Wars mobile game-

-and, of course, IDW publishing.

Because Furman is so very well established and known in the industry, he gets the benefit of not being questioned on a lot of the calls he makes.

Which is a problem, because the man is a massive misogynist.

In 1989, Marvel UK #234 came out, containing the story entitled “Prime’s Rib!” in which the Autobots built Arcee in order to appease a group of strawmen feminists. Of course, one female Transformer isn’t enough for them, and they yell at poor Optimus Prime for trying his best. This is the point where Hot Rod is used as a writer avatar to try to smooth things over with the reader, because you see, the Transformers don’t even know what sexual dimorphism and gender identity even is, so of course they wouldn’t have female members of their race! Jazz is used for a breast joke. Arcee acts like a massive, stereotypical bitch the whole time, despite not having been written like that at all in the other issues. It’s a bad comic with hideous ideology leaking out of it, and I'm halfway sorry I read it, so I’ll just give you the essence of this nightmare.

Oh, those big, mean, scary feminists are bullying the robots for living their lives, huh Furman? Life is just so goddamned unfair when a woman exists in your fucking line of sight.

Furman has gone on record saying that he doesn’t see the point in including the concept of gender in a race of non-sexually reproducing robots. He sees them as “genderless.” Which, if that statement existed in a vacuum, I could perhaps see where he’s coming from.

But Simon Furman does not exist in a vacuum. He exists in a world where sexism exists, something that he’s willingly participated in.

Let me back up that little tidbit with a bit of a disclaimer: I’m not in any way an expert on gender. I didn’t study it in school, I’ve not read an obscene amount of pieces on the topic. I’m not even sure about it on a personal level.

Maybe some of y’all have noticed the whole other set of pronouns I slapped into the bio in the last month or so. It doesn’t really matter, 90% of people don’t read the FAQ/About, I know that, and then 95% of those people only read it once, and this has been a relatively new self-revelation.

BUT ANYWAY.

Let’s be… fair about this. 1989 was a while ago, a lot of research on the concept of gender has taken place, maybe he’s ch-

Oh, what’s that?

Misogyny?

Transphobia?

Transmisogyny?

Treating women as an aberration being forced on Transformers as a whole?

And the writing is clunky and overstuffed?

Well, that’s just fucking fantastic, Furman, thanks so much.

This was in 2008. Because Furman established that female Transformers weren’t something natural, but rather made, and forcibly at that, and nobody fucking smacked his little hands away from this terrible idea, AND nobody tried to fix it for years, there was a lack of gender diversity within IDW until 2014, with the release of Dark Cybertron Chapter 7. Because we waited six years to fix this nightmare, things couldn’t be done quite the way that Roberts had been hoping, in that he intended for our female robots to not have the whole… fembot build happening. IDW wanted them immediately clockable, because this was very clearly a problem that needed rectifying.

So, in short: because of boys’ club mentality and a lack of understanding of what gender means or why it’s important for roughly 50% of the world’s population to have representation in media, Nautica and Chromia are here now.

And despite the convoluted road they had to take, I love them very much.

[orbitariums]

war nymph | bucky barnes ♡

request: ooo write something of bucky and an asgardian reader (who’s thor and loki’s sister) and is the goddess of war. and like they just came back from a mission or something like that. the reader shows off her skills/powers and bucky gets turn on? make it rough and kinky 😳

note: the title is inspired by grimes’ creation called “war nymph”, that’s also yn’s avenger name/goddess name. i know a nymph isn’t the same as a goddess buttt idc! quickly (kind of) written, straight to the point! also i love the idea of an asgardian goddess who’s loki & thor’s sister (we not talking ab hela but i love her too LOL). def would write drabbles/headcanons ab this character if y’all want that. lmk!

word count: 2.6k exactly!

warnings: smut, nsfw, slight voyeurism kink, rough, cute trash talk, both reader and bucky have dom energy? which is fun

here we go!!

"She does it again," Thor praised you, smothering you as he placed his arm around your shoulder.

You, Thor, and Bucky were all getting on the Quinjet, joining a few of the others - that included Steve, Natasha, and Sam. You had just completed another mission in which you were to find and possibly disarm an 0-8-4. You came to find out the weapon originated from a Hydra base, and it was mostly with your help that the weapon was able to be disarmed, and that you were able to escape the Hydra members who tried to stop you from doing just that.

    Thor and Bucky weren't completely useless, of course, but this was a time when your abilities as a war goddess of Asgardia shone. You could quickly disarm weapons and multitask by beating the shit out of someone at once, whether it be with your brute strength of through the use of a weapon. You were familiar with every weapon there was, and incredibly skilled in many fighting tactics. If there ever were a mission for you, it was this one. They called you War Nymph, a title no one dared to challenge.

    "Get off me, you big slob," you grimaced, wriggling away from your brother Thor's grasp. You'd grown up with Thor on Asgard - you were an Asgardian first, and an Avenger second. Your family, specifically your brothers Thor and Loki, always came first. You were always respected on Asgard for your abilities — now they were being put to further use on the Avengers team.

      "And to think I was complimenting you," Thor scoffed, being dramatic as usual.

     "You're not wrong to. What would you ever do without me?" you teased, prompting Bucky to chime in.

    "She's right. I gotta say, I'm impressed."

Bucky Barnes — where to start with him? Sergeant turned Winter Soldier turned Avenger turned... boy toy? You didn't know how exactly your relationship with Bucky was to be defined, but it was definitely physical. Around others, you communicated through mostly sarcastic remarks, but away from the others, it was a different story - still sarcastic remarks, except during your sexual encounters.

      So, true to your nature, you quickly quipped,

     "I gotta say, I can't say the same to you, Barnes."

     "Oh, really?" Bucky raised his brows with a playful smirk.

    "Easy," Natasha intervened, gearing up the Quinjet. "We don't need a repeat of what happened last time you two started with the sarcastic remarks."

    "Oh, you can say that again," Steve scoffed, settling into the seat next to Natasha while you and Bucky leaned against the walls opposite each other, smirking knowingly at each other.

    "It wasn't that bad," you rolled your eyes.

    "We all almost died," Sam snapped.

Last time you and Bucky had your gos at each other, you ended up "play fighting", in the meeting room. But "play fighting" between a war goddess with multiple superpowers, including telekinesis and super strength, and an advanced combatant with super strength, wasn't your typical idea of a play fight. Of course when the rest of the team broke it up, you continued in private... but maybe "fighting" wasn't the right word to use.

    "Oh, don't be such a baby, Sam," Thor smiled. He was well versed in play fighting with you and Loki as a youth on Asgard, and even he had been at the bad end of your powers.

You on the other hand had moved on from the conversation, more interested in sharpening just one of your many knives.

    "Really though. I'm very impressed, War Nymph. You never fail to impress me more and more every single time," Bucky said, and unbeknownst to the others, in his voice there was a secret tone, one only you could decipher - he would be showing his appreciation greatly when you landed. It was so clear to see. The more you showcased your powers, the more you proved your many abilities, the more Bucky wanted you, the more he admired you.

    Your knife made a sharp "shing" noise and you smirked, Bucky's needy eyes traveling to the source of the sound - ogling your trusty hands.

     "I'm sure," you winked.

By the time you got home, Bucky was desperate, trailing behind your feet like a lost, yet murderous puppy. He wanted you, and he wanted you now. He made that known, whispering in your ear, his lips far too close to your neck to just be work-related chatter. Still you kept things under wraps, promising him "soon, soldier." The entirety of your debrief meeting was spent with a frustrated Bucky glaring at you with a dead face, but you knew behind his expression lurked a fire.

    When it was all over, you and Bucky were the last two in the room.

    "Meet in my room?" you asked, but Bucky was silent.

    He shook his head slowly, approaching you with a stern look on his face.

    "No. Let's just do this here."

    "Here?" you laughed, looking around the deserted meeting room, which had glass panels that could easily be walked past and seen through. "You can't be serious-"

     But apparently he was, because he had you pushed against the wall, lips pressed against yours, cutting you off and silencing you with ease. So all that need in his eyes hadn't been just for show, and you felt it through his pants as well. The kiss became passionate and sloppy, burning with desire. You moaned into his mouth, making him even harder, and started feeling the tell tale signs of arousal - your beating heart to match your other beating heart.

    "Bucky-" you panted, the minute his lips detached from yours, breathless. His hands ran along your body and tugged at your clothing, wanting every bit of it off. "Someone could see-"

You were grasping on to every bit of logic that you had left, and there wasn't much. Bucky made you delirious with desire, made your heart race like no other, and you had the same effect on him. Logic wasn't necessarily winning here. You wanted him, and you wanted him now. And he had made it very clear that he didn't care where he had you.

    He smirked, looking into your eyes with a mischievous glint in his own,

    "You act like that's such a bad thing."

You rolled your eyes, pulling him back in - he had you all figured out. The idea of someone seeing the two of you, though horrifying, was also incredibly arousing. Whatever it was, it got adrenaline pumping through your veins like nobody's business. You didn't really care, who were you fooling?

    "Just fuck me," you murmured against the hot skin of his neck, guiding his hand into your pants, feeling the cool metal of his prosthetic hand against your wet pussy, gliding back and forth against your slick folds.

    "Are you bossing me around?" Bucky teased, grinding his hips against you so you felt the outline of his cock against your core.

    "Yes," you retorted. "And that's an order."

    It wasn't long before both your uniforms were off, and you both did this quickly, your nimble fingers working to complete the task. You needed to make this quick, and if that meant it was rough, then so be it. You weren't usually gentle, anyways. But Bucky took his time going down on you anyway, kneeling on the floor and kissing hot, wet kisses against your stomach and thighs as he went down, your hand tugging at his long, black hair. You domineered him as he buried his head between your thighs, sucking and kissing at your clit while his tongue worked your slit. You raised up one of your legs and settling your foot on his shoulder so he had easier access to you.

    "Look at me," you forced his head up, hand tugging harshly at his hair, and he moaned into your throbbing core as you made intense eye contact with each other. You couldn't help but sigh in pleasure, leaning your head back against the wall. You had forgotten the dangers of doing this long ago, now you were lost in satisfaction. "Fuck, Bucky, you eat it so good," you moaned precariously, making his dick twitch in his boxers.

    He wanted to make you come two ways - on his face and with his cock inside you, and he would work to ensure that it happened. When it came to sex with Bucky, you were both competing with each other to give the other the most pleasure, to be the most dominant. You were the perfect mix, two competitive assholes with superpowers.

    He kitten licked up from your entrance to your clit, all the while rubbing his fingers in circular motions against your clit, sure to use the hand with the metal arm, which you loved so much. Your hips bucked against his tongue and you began to roll your hips up and down against his face, moaning and whimpering at the access he had to you. He let you do this for a while before pulling back and instead pushing two cold fingers in, making your hips twitch at the unexpected sensation. He curved his fingers upwards and had you hooked, fucking down on his fingers, to his astonishment.

    "That's it baby, fuck my fingers," he praised you, and attached his lips to your clit again, sucking and licking. "Am I good for you? Good enough to make you come?"

     You gasped out the words,

     "Yes, Bucky, fuck. So good for me, baby, I'm gonna cum."

     "Go ahead," he started thrusting his fingers in and out faster, harder, feeling his knuckles bottom out against your skin, which was glazed over with your arousal and his spit. He watched as his fingers disappeared inside of you, still aiming his tongue just above his fingers so he could taste you when you finished. He always wanted to taste you, to feel you in your entirety - there was something about an Asgardian war goddess that was irresistible.

     You came with a cry of shock, and slowly rolled your hips around Bucky's fingers as he pressed his tongue against you to taste you.

     "Fuck," you sighed, licking your lips and breathing harshly.

     "Taste yourself," Bucky insisted, rising to his feet and pressing his lips against yours, initiating a long and needy kiss. You palmed him through his boxers, feeling his hard cock in your hands, before slowly bringing him out, stroking him softly and tugging at him. He chuckled darkly. "You're playing a dangerous game."

    "They call me War Nymph. I'm always playing dangerous," you smirked, locking eyes with him.

     He hummed, nodding almost understandingly.

    "Hmm. I'm not quite done with you yet."

    "I was hoping that wasn't your A-game," you teased.

    "Oh, far from it," Bucky quipped back, smiling playfully, until all playfulness was over and he had you turned around, his hand pressing down into your back. "Fucking bend over," he leaned over you and whispered in your ear.

     You whimpered at the command and did as you were told, supporting yourself with your hands against the wall and arching your back. Bucky found no use in waiting, and you felt the tip of his cock toying at your entrance at record speed, slicking himself in your arousal and watching as he teased your folds.

     "Fuck," he whispered, his jaw clenching hard.

     "It can be yours, soldier. You just have to earn it," you panted out, glancing over your shoulders to get a good look at him.

      You knew that would motivate him, and it did more than that. He slammed into you with no regards, making your whole body lurch forward. You both let out obscene moans at the feeling of his sudden entrance. You felt his cock stretch you out, filling you up amazingly, and he felt the stretch of your walls around him, a reminder of his size.

    "You like when I stretch you out?" Bucky prompted, and you moaned quietly in response, only making him buck his hips harder into you, in search of a proper answer. Again that metal arm came in contact with your warm skin, only this time his hand was wrapped around your neck, forcing you to look up, almost at him, while he fucked into you from behind. "I asked a question."

    You moaned, your voice ragged and breathless in addition to the hand over your throat,

    "Fuck, yes, Bucky. It's so fucking good."

     "Yeah? Is it mine? Did I earn it?" he panted, slowing his thrusts and rolling his hips in so he fucked deep inside of you, so you felt it in your stomach, your walls clenching around him.

    You nearly cried out,

    "Yes, yes you earned it, it's your pussy, Bucky, make it yours."

    "Mhm," he moaned, his breaths unstable. He slid in and out of you slowly and gently, going as deep as he could, silencing himself just to hear your moans and pants. Then he got an idea, sliding almost all the way out. "Fuck yourself, YN."

    You moaned at the delicious thought, whimpering as you moved your hips back on him while he stood still, cherishing the feeling of his cock gliding against your walls, wanting to savor every part of him. He was big, and thick, and you could tell as you fucked back onto him. You started out slow, until Bucky brought his hand on the small of your back and started to guide you, slowly but surely, until you were moving faster, making little moans escape from your lips each time your ass met his thighs. It was rough and hard, the way he fucked you, his hand making you move faster each time.

    "So good, baby," Bucky moaned, almost whining, and watched as your body followed his lead with ease. "I'm close."

    "Oh god, me too," you panted, and he started to slam into you to get you to that point, listening to the pretty moans and practical screams that left your mouth at that point. If it weren't for the fact that the meeting room was sound proof, by now everyone would've heard you, and it was just pure luck that no one had walked past yet.

     But when you came, it was explosive, and Bucky's orgasm followed soon after, your orgasms falling on top of one another's, colliding in such a divine way. You kept your hips rocking back on his, wanted to stay there until the sound of footsteps reminded you that such a thing would be irresponsible. You got dressed in record speed, practically throwing Bucky's clothes out of the way. You had your needs, but you were still a goddess. You wouldn't be caught slipping, even if this wasn't a bad way to "slip." You adjusted yourself, back to normal by the time Scott walked past and waved mindlessly, with no clue of what you and Bucky had just been up to.

    "'It's your pussy'?" Bucky repeated, quoting you with a knowing smile on his lips as he cocked his head.

You scoffed,

    "Don't get too ahead of yourself, Barnes. I was only saying that so you would fuck me for real. You've done better."

      "Oh yeah?" Bucky grinned, matching your playful insults easily.

     "Oh yeah, much better. But this wasn't half bad," you smirked, running your hand along his face. You gave his cheek a gentle slap. "Ok! I'll see you."

     "See you," Bucky replied.

As you walked away, you turned to note,

    "You should appreciate my skills more often. You know, if it's going to lead to this."

    "Sure thing."

[actualbird]

nobody asked but pat gill is so fucking hot to me and im going to tell you why im attracted to him | a 2.3k word long post where i hold you, dear reader, hostage

[SCENE: You, the reader, are tied to a wooden chair in an empty room with nothing but a small table and a projector. You pull at the ropes that tie your hands together behind your back, but then the door opens and I stroll in. I am dressed in a full black suit and am also wearing shutter shades. I am also holding a powerpoint clicker. The fancy ones with a laser pointer in them. You shudder in contempt for you know that you are about to witness a horrible lecture.]

Hello, reader. I know you know why I’ve brought you here. I’m here to discuss something very important to you. Don’t look at me like that, it is important, I swear. I am here to tell you why I find Pat Gill hot.

[I switch on the projector. My presentation slides flash to life on the wall. Behind your back, you locate the feel around the knots tying your hands.]

This is not a presentation where I will convince you that Pat Gill is hot. No, I wouldn’t prescribe my tastes onto anybody, that’s not nice. What I will do is explain in horrid, vivid detail why I myself find Pat Gill hot. 

Like everything I do, I cannot dive in without first setting up some kind of framework or system of analysis. What I am trying to explain is how I find another person attractive, and that has thus pushed me to make the AHG Criteria, a criteria made up of the three principal characteristics of a human which makes me attracted to them and is also, coincidentally, the sound I make when I see images of Pat Gill. 

The AHG Criteria refers to the following:

Appearance: the most shallow but noticeable of characteristics. Here, I will explain just what it is about Pat Gill’s perceivable flesh prison that gets me so upset in an attracted manner.

Humor: I love a funny human and humor theory is one of my side interests. Here, I will dissect two specific instances of Pat Gill’s humor, bringing in references and related literature, in an effort to explain why his sense of humor is stellar.

Good at presenting things: I am very attracted to competence, but one skill I hold in very high regard is the skill of explaining and conveying information. Here, I will analyse Pat Gill as a communicator.

So let’s jump right into it. 

Pat Gill’s Appearance is, frankly, an anomaly to me. This is not to say that anything about his appearance is strange, but that, quite honestly, as handsome as he is, he’s basic. He is white, he is tall, he is thin, he has black hair and a slight beard (though currently he is sporting more of a moustache, which I’m still into). At first glance, one wouldn’t pay him much attention. I sure didn’t, until I watched more and more videos of him. I sure didn’t, until I realized.

His Appearance is basic, but his vibes, which I am including in the criteria of Appearance, bring his Appearance to life. Pat Gill looks a little unapproachable, with his resting sad face; but, when he smiles, he is so shameless and happy. Pat Gill looks like somebody you’d see leaning on a wall outside a bar, looking up at the sky, and you wonder just what he’s thinking about---wonder if you could get lost in his thoughts. Pat Gill looks like somebody friendly--- once his resting sad face gives way---somebody who would help you pick up your stuff when you bump into him and the contents of your bag spill out. Pat Gill looks like somebody who would use his goddamn turn signal. Pat Gill looks like somebody who would pet many dogs, as many dogs as he physically could. Pat Gill looks---

[As I prattle on, your fingers explore the knots behind your back. In your mind, you are mapping out the knot’s shape and orientation, thinking about how to undo them. When you tune back into my voice, the slide on the projector has changed and I have shifted topics.]

Let’s move onto the next criteria. Humor.

Paul McGhee in his book Humor: Its Origins and Development brings up Göran Nerhardt to define humor as “[...] a consequence of the discrepancy between two mental representations, one of which is an expectation and the other is some idea or percept” (McGhee 14). Nerhardt’s definition of humor is one that relies on incongruity: wherein there is an element that is not in accordance with the other elements. An incongruous element is one that is not the expectation, and in this subversion of expectation, humor is achieved. What is funny in a humorous situation, is then, what is unexpected to a certain degree. Humor, and the reaction to it, is due to the recognition of the incongruous. 

Despite this incongruity, there is still an internal logic to anything humorous. This internal logic is different for each humorous situation, and consists of everything within the situation; the set-up, punchline, characters, etc. It is this internal logic that allows for jokes to “make sense.” It is that internal logic that helps us get from one element to the incongruous element, realize their relationship, and thus find the whole thing funny.

Incongruity and internal logic are one of the many characteristics of humor, and they are the ones I will be focusing on. With those definitions in place, let’s talk about what you’re here for: Pat Gill.

Pat Gill is a funny guy. If I tried to analyse every single instance he was funny, I would never shut up. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

[You shake your head no. God, no.]

Right, so I’ll just be focusing on two instances of his humor that stuck out to me (originally, I wanted to discuss three, but then I saw that the length of this post was getting kilometric, so I cut it down to the essentials), these of which I think is a good marker for the kind of sense of humor he has.

The first one is my absolute favorite tweet of his:

This tweet is, at first glance, a lot. Pat Gill doesn’t wait for the punchline to be incongruous, he throws incongruity straight at our faces with the opening line, and one may think that that’s a bad move. Not necessarily. It’s just a ballsy one. It’s a move that doesn’t spoonfeed the audience with the internal logic, you have to work for it. As you read through the tweet, the internal logic starts to come through the incongruity. The literal dramatic situation of the tweet is a persona talking about the good state their nemesis is in. The language of the tweet keys us in to the kind of Medieval vibe, like a scheming duke in the hallways of a castle. The punchline comes after the last comma. The monolog of the nemesis’ good fortune will be interrupted by the persona’s attack on their life.

This tweet is an example of the bedrock of many of his jokes. He doesn’t give a damn if he makes sense or not. He will throw you into the deep end of the joke and it is up to you to tread the water. However, if you do manage to keep afloat, his internal logic will bring you to the punchline and, thus, satisfaction.

[Your fingers have been working on the knots steadily as I speak. You try your best not to react as you start to feel something give way, and you keep working quietly.]

The second instance of humor I want to discuss is the Solid Snake Skincare Routine dialog he wrote and performed with Brian in episode 8 of Gill and Gilbert. The full transcript is as follows:

Pat (as Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid): Colonel, how do I know which moisturizer to buy, and how do I know it’ll match my skin type?

Brian (as Colonel from Metal Gear Solid): Unfortunately Snake, there’s no way to tell for sure. Certain retailers will offer samples, but in most cases, it’s up to you to purchase a product and try it out.

Pat: Sounds expensive.

Brian: It is, Snake. And the cost disproportionately affects women.

Pat: Women?

Brian: Societal norms in the west dictate that a woman’s value is tied to their appearance, and the thing every woman has…

Pat: Skin!

Brian: Right.

Pat: So, we expect women to attain a higher---So, we expect women---women, to attain perfect skin, and we also expect them to pay for it?

Brian: All while paying them less for doing the same jobs as men.

Pat: So Colonel, that means…

Brian: Yes, Snake. It is imperative that you give your money to women.

Pat: Right.

Like the tweet discussed before, Pat Gill shoves incongruity in your face immediately. Solid Snake, super cool spy dude (?? I don’t fuckin know anything about video games) talking about skincare. He expects you to keep up, and if you do, you are rewarded by a surreal yet lovely conversation between Snake and Colonel talking about the intricacies of skincare, but then things get really interesting. The topic shifts to the societal expectations of beauty and how it ties into womens’ experiences. This isn’t a grand woke moment or anything, but it is a surprising shift in subject that is perfectly in tune with the internal logic of the conversation. The punchline is amazing, giving all your money to women, yet it is also written in a way that does not imply that women are the butt of the joke. The butt of the joke here is the surreal vibe of the conversation as a whole.

This dialog builds upon the bedrock of Pat Gill’s humor: he isn’t afraid to go places. This is something that is apparent in many of the Unraveleds that he writes (Dark Souls Bosses is a very good example), he brings in real issues, makes the jokes funny, but never treats the marginalized or the victims of these issues as the butt of the joke. In Susan Purdie’s book The Mastery of Discourse, she remarks that to joke about a certain topic, to make something the “butt of the joke” can degrade this topic and bring it down lower, in the process shifting the power to the joker instead (Purdie 59). Pat Gill is aware of that power dynamic and never jokes at the expense of those who are struggling. He instead makes us laugh at characters, at situations, at surreality.

[The knots tying your hands are almost undone. You just need to bide your time. You’re so close to escaping from this thirsty pseudo intellectual motherfucker]

The last criteria I need to discuss with you is GreatAtPresentingThings. 

Pat Gill has done a lot of presenting. For this, I will be analyzing just one of the many videos where Pat Presents Things, my favorite among his “X is Y because of Z” videos, “Why Bloodborne and Muppets are the exact same thing.”

I’ve talked about this video in a previous long post analysis about Pat Gill, but let me talk about it again. Pat Gill, on camera, brings up an absolutely bonkers fucking thesis: that the horrible monsters in Bloodborne are similar to the Muppets because of how they use character design. 

Pat Gill, as a presenter, is very lovely to listen to. The cadence of his voice is not only extremely relaxing and makes me feel like a tranquilized zoo animal that Pat is talking to very gently about video games, but his voice is also very easy to follow. There are many voices on the internet, and I have a bunch of sensory issues, so a lot of the time, even when I want to listen to somebody, I just can’t because of how their voice grates at my ears. Pat Gill’s voice is not that. It is of a good speed and good vibe that not only puts me at ease but makes me want to listen.

Pat Gill uses gestures. This is most apparent in this video, where he does that cute thing when he says Shape, Movement, and Texture. Here are screenshots of it because it’s so fucking cute, what the fuck.

I know, I know, what do gestures have to do with presenting things? Well, if you told me “shape, movement, texture”, six minutes later, I wouldn’t fucking remember any of those. But with these gestures, those words do stick. When words stick, the explanations behind those words stick as well. When words and explanations stick in your mind, congratulations dude, you just learned something! Pat Gill when talking, and whether it is scripted like this or unintentional like a random gesticulation, the movement catches my attention and I become a more rapt listener.

Honestly, I could go on and on about Pat as a communicator and---

[Before I can speak, you bolt upwards from your chair, finally having gotten the ropes loose. Quickly, powerfully, you grab the projector from the table and smash it over my head. I stumble and fall to the ground, and you look down at me as your chest heaves.

As I slowly lose consciousness, you hear me say, softly, but with so much fervor:

“Pat…..Gill…..hot.”]

Thanks for reading! 

(Read my other unhinged analysis essays at actualbird.tumblr.com/tagged/nobody-asked-but. If you have a suggestion for an unhinged analysis essay I can write, send me an ask!)

References:

McGhee, Paul E. Humor: Its Origin and Development, W.H. Freeman and Company, 1979, pp. 1-41.

Purdie, Susan. The Mastery of Discourse. Harvester Wheatsheaf. 1993.

[uzunehitori]

Every single one

Good morning, Robin! (Good morning at 3 in the morning)

Here we go! Thanks for sending a birdie some questions

Favorite characters?

Answered! I will always love Ryouta and Kazuaki, and Nageki!

Least favorite characters?

I don't have one really, but just only Sakuya's racism is so intolerable, but I still like him as a character overall!

Favorite route?

My favorite route would always be Shuu's because there is a lot of interpretations you can do with his and also like Ryouta's and Nageki's because they really hit hard! Though overall the best route is BBL since you get to learn more about the story!

Favorite human design?

Answered! Anghel's and Ryuuji's hands down are my favorite human designs!

What’s a part that sticks out to you the most?

"Quails are still learning to adapt to social life." and also, Yuuya caring about Sakuya all the time, it's really cute

What did you think of the new birdies in Holiday Star?

I loved Albert and seeing Tohri some more is great and funny, he's a great birdie. I loved Miru and Kaku they are super wholesome little white marshmallow gumdrops!

What was your first reaction to the Bad Boys Love route?

My first reaction when I played it in 2012 was I sobbed, I was in suspense, I was in surprised, and everything and it made me fall deeper than I was before with Hatoful, it's such a nice route that I wish there was so much more to it and would say that I loved the changed in textbox color that I wish we gotten it for Holistar!

How long did it take you to unlock the ‘hidden routes’ and ‘secret’ endings? What was your reaction to them?

Not to long, I was extremely curious about trying to get any option I can available especially the hidden routes and even the easy to miss conversations, I was so eager to get everything complete! I was extremely surprised with some and it was extremely enjoyable and didn't feel like a drag like I would feel for most other games like these.

Do you like to draw certain birdies a lot?

Answered! I used to draw a lot of Yuuya and Shuu, and Nageki art, I still do to this day! But now I draw a lot of Ryuuji and Quail boyfriends as well.

What are some of your favorite ships?

I really like a lot of ships, especially quail boyfriends and HitoriNageki and even Ryuuji Isa just the relationship in general I think is cute, I love plenty of other ships, like Sakuya and Ryouta! I do also like Nageki with Anghel!

Least favorite ships?

I don't really have one in all honesty.

Do you own any of the Hatoful merch?

I own a Ryuuji plush with his charm and an isa charm with a Shuu one! I also own fanmade Nageki and Yuuya button! Some other merch I have which is a sticker I did for myself of Nanaki too, it's super old.

Do you write fanfiction for the birdies?

I used to, but they don't exist anymore since I deleted my tumblr from 2012, unfortunately! I just draw more so and make little drabbles.

Do you have any AUs you like to write about?

I would love to draw a few, especially since me and my wife talk about a lot of AUs together of the things we like. I think about drawing some zombie apoc or some metal gear ones since we've talked about that before! I do like to make some winter AU ones that are nice too and cute.

Rank birdies from tallest to shortest.

Nanaki / Hitori > Yuuya > Asami > Leone > Okosan > Shuu = Tohri > Ryouta > Kazuaki > Sakuya > Nageki > Anghel > Miru/Kaku

What are some of your gender and sexuality headcanons?

I headcanon a lot of them to be just bisexual and the ones I think would be not caring or just nonbinary is Anghel and Shuu, and Hitori and Kazuaki and as well as Nageki, but still use he/him! Sakuya and Shuu to me are male leaning at best, while I think Kazuaki + Hitori and Shuu are gay / male leaning, while Shuu is aspec.

How did you get into Hatoful?

I got into Hatoful while dabbling around Yume nikki that I just bumped into a blog back in 2012 talking about it and learned that it recently got a release! I do miss the egg buttons with the save and load, that was cute... I wish we had it again for the remake!

Have you made any friends in the Hatoful fandom?

In 2012, I made a few friends! I made a friend with a really nice person that was a little older than me that we met on an online drawing board called iscribble, I was really young and we would roleplay the birdies. I don't remember what had us lose contact if it was over time or what? I do see them around however! I remember I've been meaning to contact them for a commission. I wasn't friends but I knew someone who used to run a hatoful ask blog named puddington, they were pretty nice! I hope to make new friends this year since I am pretty open to that!

What are some of your favorite headcanons?

I like the idea that Shuu has sensitivity towards the sun, temperature, and especially like I say it's a projection of sorts since he gets pretty moody and likes to be in the shade often. I also think he might have tritanopia. My other headcanon that I think despite things being mildly clearing up for Nanaki, I think he is still will be ridden in guilt with what he's done regardless. And I like to think that both Shuu and Nanaki gained a relationship after BBL, while having somedays being pretty bad for them.

Anghel shares his home country's food with every birdie as form of "healing properties". I think that Sakuya wears heeled boots because he's short. Hehe!

What’s your favorite piece of canon trivia?

Despite everything, Hitori likes bitter sweets! Shuu gets sick from having his glasses removed (Big mood.), Kazuaki-kun doesn't like veggies!

What birdie do you wish had more to them?

I really wish to learn more about Kazuaki-kun, I just more about him even if we know why he doesn't! I just love him and interested about him a lot... I also wish there was more to Anghel as well than just sometimes feel like he's the hehe eccentric character, I just want to know his life besides his chuunibyou.

What are some songs you associate with characters?

Shuu/Isa to me feel strongly of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SgWum9kHYk Duvet - Boa

Nanaki is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE6pANWJGuU Imagination - Foster the People

Both Ryouta is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeRIAew8eXc Freaking out the Neighborhood - Mac DeMarco

Yuuya is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xtg-ntDZGk Come a Little closer - Cage the Elephant and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4qsjmLxhow The Adults are talking - The Strokes

Sakuya is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85Z3iwpFQeg Leave me alone - IDKHTFM reminds me of him, I think it's his sharp tongue

If Okosan had a true human form, what do you think he would look like?

There's this really buff japanese guy on tiktok that wears an apron that I just saw as the embodiment of Okosan, I will draw him in his liking because he just LOOKS like it would be what Okosan would be!

If you could change one thing in the story, what would it be?

Sakuya. I am kidding, I know most of the things he learned and was taught was from his very highly racist and classist dad, but I wish he would not be so? Aggressive towards Anghel... i also wish for the Comedy to drop a bit less, but not drop it entirely because almost a lot of the times it's really perfect!

What’s your version of Hiyoko like?

I like Hiyoko to be messy hair brunette that sometimes brushes it and sometimes doesn't and she can be messy with how she puts on, but really just like any teenage girl, I also picture her to be a little muscular since she is a hunter after all! I like seeing her as mixed as any race really, at most 2012 me just pictured my current partner without knowing lmao....

What’s your favorite irl bird?

Answered! I have many but I love the bearded vulture which I have an OC of!

Do you have any bird OCs?

Answered! I plan to make some though, I have one that wasn't originally planned for hatoful, but IT DID have hatoful in mind along with another thing!

What do you think would be a cool crossover for Hatoful?

Answered! I think also a Funamusea x Hatoful crossover would be really cute...

Do you have any human designs headcanons for the birds aside from canon (body type, etc)?

Answered!

What kinds of Hatoful merch would you like to see?

Answered! I do think it would be cute if there was also hatoful link charms, I plan making some in the future whenever I find a seller!

What’s your favorite Absolute Zero character?

Answered!

[sparrowsabre7]

Thoughts on the Snyder Cut Chapter 3 of 6

So the famous Barry Allen saving Iris West scene is added back in, but also features the kind of slightly awkward comedy you’d expect of a Whedon script. Also, the dude driving the truck due to crash into Iris seriously got a burger from “burger shop” like fucking try a little bit, guys. 

God he looks so weird doing his little half-run out of the shop to save her and unnecessarily spends 5 hours brushing her hair aside. I did appreciate the very unique take on super-speed though compared to say, Quicksilver from X-men. There’s an incredible delicateness about how he manoeuvres himself and Iris which is interesting to see, however, the sequence adds little besides that “Barry is a doer of good” which we already knew from the CCTV footage in BVS*. 

We then have ‘wolf gathering some Atlanteans for interrogation, after the stock “we will never betray Atlantis!” statement, he uses a weird spider robot to scan the guy’s brain or something and show him the location. The film would have been better without this scene, it - again - adds little and even beginning to think about how the fuck the mind projector spider would even work will distract the audience for at least the next five minutes.

Another scene of Lois Lane grieving. We had one added earlier in the film but I forgot to mention it because of just how inconsequential it was. God bless Amy Adams because she is clearly giving it her all but I’m not sure “Lois Lane grieving widow” is a much better look than “Lois Lane world’s thirstiest woman”, both undermine and neglect her as a character in her own right and I just hope the Snyder cut doesn’t have her just be a prop to satiate Superman’s rage like Josstice League. 

Back to Bruce and Diana, the latter now seems more proactive in helping Bruce search for the other supers, which is good. It also gives nod to Diana knowing the history of Amazons and Atlanteans. There is some sarcastic banter exchanged and some awkward accidental hand touching (are we sure this isn’t Josstice League?) *The aforementioned footage now plays out in full again here in case anyone watching this hadn’t seen BvS... this feels like an odd move. I could sort of understand it for cinemagoers who hadn’t seen BvS, but the Snyder Cut is so slavishly made for fans of Snyder’s work in the DCEU that it seems odd to repeat it here with colour commentary from Bruce and Diana. 

Cut to Victor Stone sadly watching kids play football and then flashback to his own football career which, credit where it’s due, is beautifully shot, looking straight out of 300 if it weren’t for the football gear. It also tips the hat to Victor having some hacking know-how prior to his Cyborg transformation, using it to help his friend’s grades - a move that is not merely standard high school hijinks, but done out of a sense of social justice and points to inequality within the school system. Much as this is another diversion that adds little, it is worthwhile and introduces some much needed nuance into the character of Victor and the world of Justice League as a whole. Snyder has a tendency to be heavy handed, but he does occasionally touch on issues which have weight and whether purposefully or not, his small-scale interaction with them makes them feel that much more real and ingrained in the world. Things like the Gotham PD largely ignoring their jobs to watch the game, the disabled Wayne Enterprises employee struggling to make ends meet, angry at the world, how different social classes view Batman’s actions. 

I digress, the sequence also puts Victor’s mother back into the picture and helps embed the kind of relationship Vic has with his father. Said mother is then unceremoniously killed in a car crash, diverging slightly from the otherwise somewhat faithful recreation of “Justice League: Origins” from the new 52 relaunch. This recontextualises Silas’ decision to apply the motherbox to his son as a rather more selfish act than in the comic, where it was ostensibly to undo a mistake he had made (or rather, undo the fallout of something he was working on). Clearly Victor agrees with this reading, as in the following montage we see Silas explain the extent of his powers as he uses them to fly, test his cyber control and finally grant a single mother a boon of $100,000 to keep her from becoming homeless. After this, Silas states “all this has been as a scientist, I would now like to talk to you as your father” upon which Victor simply crushes the recorder the message was playing on. Curiously the tape recorder was a literal tape recorder rather than digital and while it’s entirely possible that’s just an accident, it could also be that Silas knew any digital recorder would immediately be within Victor’s purview and thereby he would have no choice but to hear the message. In giving him an analogue tape recorder that choice was put back in his hands. This has been perhaps the most worthwhile addition so far, fleshing out Victor and his dynamic with his father, as well as a better explanation of his powers, perhaps making him one of the strongest members of the League. 

Bruce visits Barry, an exchange largely unchanged save for the thankful excision of the “brunch” dialogue which, while I never had a huge problem with it, was awkward to watch.

There’s a rather fun exchange between Alfred and Diana (generally a lot more Alfred in the Snyder cut in general actually) where he lectures her on how best to make tea and she sassily implies that Bruce is basically building her gauntlets only bat-themed. A throwaway scene but there’s fun chemistry here with Alfred ultimately bringing her tea when distracted, despite her assertion she’d make it herself. It segues into Victor and Diana’s first meeting, Diana’s dialogue seems unchanged but Cyborg’s dialogue is a little angrier; he also flies in in full Cyborg mode rather than stepping out in a hoodie. I’m not sure I like the alteration, it’s less subtle and doesn’t really change the tone of the scene. We then see Vic bury the motherbox in his own grave followed by a useless scene with Silas and Ryan Choi looking at a hunk of metal being super hot, with Choi then making another Whedonesque joke about that being what he said to his prom date. To be fair though, I keep saying Whedonesque at any bad jokes, but I have to remember Man of Steel had “I just think he’s kinda hot” scene which gave me immense secondhand embarrassment. 

We are now back to your regularly scheduled programming with the film mostly returning to playing out how Josstice League did: Jim Gordon is introduced, the bat signal shines, the Atlantean motherbox is stolen (albeit with added violence and additional Amber Heard). The extension does make the scene flow better for sure, though I question if the blood and bissecting is necessary.

It is now the halfway point and basically the full length of Josstice League has passed. I have to say, while there are certainly some improvements, I would by no means call this a definitive version, it absolutely needs significant editing to be a watchable movie, I feel like we’ve barely gotten anywhere and the small scraps of nuance gleaned from this version are not worth doubling the runtime. So far it does seem to have excised the weird Russian family cutaway scenes which is only a good thing, but little added has provided enough value to warrant this undertaking so far. Hopefully there’s enough in the latter half to assuage this feeling but so far it just feels like an exercise in directorial onanism. 

[makeela]

Top 12 Most Unfuckable Men In FFXIV (according to a lesbian)

(WARNING: This list contains spoilers up to 5.0)

12. Urianger Augurelt

Urianger is the least unfuckable man in Final Fantasy XIV. Mostly because, well - look at him. That’s the look of a man who has either fucked a lot or never once in his life, and we all saw Moenbryda. If Urianger told me he wanted to “smasheth mine pussy” I would have no choice but to accept, if only because it’d be an experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting to fuck Urianger.

11. Aymeric de Borel

Aymeric was originally in Urianger’s spot when I was thinking about this list, and the only reason he’s not is because he has definitely never fucked before in his life. So aggressively has he never fucked that when he was born, he had to come out via cesarean section, so that he might not have touched pussy even once. You would have to have a several year long committed relationship with him and it still wouldn’t happen until after his dumbass best friend gets possessed by a giant dragon and he’s trying real hard to stave off those Unholy Urges. It doesn’t work. This does not change the fact that, if I had to choose a man, I would be honored for Ser Aymeric de Borel to have a seat on my face.

10. Crystal Exarch

Haurchefant wants what the Crystal Exarch has: he’s smart, he’s cute, and his body is partially composed of rocks. All he wants is to go on an adventure with you, and maybe hold your hand. I feel like fucking the Crystal Exarch isn’t even sexual at this point, your emotional connection is just so deep that it’s only right to make him cry over and over. You’re being a good friend. You should fuck the Crystal Exarch.

9. Cid nan Garlond

I feel like Cid is the true neutral of this list. He’s funny, not objectively bad looking, loves to make shit for you and showers regularly. Unfortunately, he is not exceptionally memorable on a list of Male Characters I’d Be Interested In Maybe Fucking, If I Had To. I was almost done with this list before I even remembered that Cid is a major character, and not your best friend who you would never even consider fucking, just because that’s the kind of relationship you guys have. I would not fuck Cid, but not because there’s anything wrong with him; I just don’t want to fuck him. Sorry, Cid.

8. Gaius van Baelsar

Gaius van Baelsar definitely smells bad. He’s tried to kill you more than once, and two of those times was with a big robot that had god powers. However, like, just look at him. Imagine if he washed his hair. We all know how tall Alphinaud is, right? Look at how small he is by comparison. This is, in truth, the only reason he is in this spot and not one lower - he’s basically just a Metal Gear Solid character, which I am not mad about at all. I kind of wish Gaius was my father figure, and if, at some point, I ended up fucking him, I don’t think it would be the end of the world. I don’t think you should go out of your way to fuck Gaius van Baelsar, but if it happens, it happens, right?

7. Estinien Wyrmblood

I really wish I could justify ranking Estinien somewhere above Gaius. I really do. If I wasn’t trying to be at least semi-objective, he’d be right below Aymeric. He’s just so spiky. And Mean. And Sad. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you all and remind myself that there is no way that Estinien Wyrmblood does not, on a constant basis, smell like the inside of a Taco Bell, and I’m, like, at least 75% sure that he doesn’t know how to read. There also wouldn’t be much of a chase if you wanted to fuck Estinien, but unless he’s like, in love with you he’s also a very wham-bam-thank you ma’am kind of guy, and I’d be more into it if I got to braid his hair afterwards and gently reassure him that things were going to be okay. I wish I could recommend that you fuck Estinien, but I don’t think that’s the kind of physical comfort he needs right now.

6. Zenos yae Galvus

After Estinien I wasn’t sure who to put next, just because starting around here you get to Men I Am Neither Disgusted By Nor Benevolent Toward the concept of fucking, and I didn’t even think I had any of those until my friend, no hesitation, said “Zenos.” She is right. Zenos is pretty, he’s huge, he kills a lot of people and enjoys the job. This is a charm point for me. He also has absolutely no character traits otherwise so all he has is that he’s Pretty and Likes Murder. Talk to me again when he has depression and maybe we can re-evaluate.

5. Thancred Waters

Thancred and I have had a very tumultuous relationship. In ARR, he was alright. My opinion of him improved significantly in Heavensward, where he was just a long-haired eyepatched hobo who refused to revisit human civilization because he didn’t want to wear pants. In Shadowbringers, he just turned into a shitty dad, and I did not like that shit at all. They took his eyepatch and his ponytail and gave him Shitty Parenting Skills. If Thancred were my father figure, I would simply not speak to him. I could not be persuaded to fuck Thancred.

4. Magnai Oronir

I don’t need to explain this one.

3. Nabriales

I don’t think Nabriales is too much worse than, like, Lahabrea, in terms of fuckability - meaning that, if pressed, I would not choose to fuck either of them - but every time I get the Chrysalis in Trial Roulette half the party immediately drops. The Chrysalis isn’t even that hard, guys, just make sure someone limit breaks the tear. I love to MT the Chrysalis. As someone who consistently gets Thornmarch and Steps of Faith in Trials Roulette, I will kick the shit out of Nabriales any day. Just, not sexually. At all. Maybe a little bit if the off tank would turn off tank stance.

2. Hien Rijin

Hien is pretty cute. Unfortunately, he is also an imperialist, even though the MSQ doesn’t want to talk about that at all because he’s your buddy. Every single time I got a quest like “talk to Hien!” I would get so mad. I don’t want to talk to Hien. Every time I talk to Hien he just wants me to help him infringe on another race’s cultural events for his benefit. It wouldn’t even be a problem for me if it wasn’t encouraged and entirely uncriticized by the narrative. I don’t want to see or be seen by Hien.

1. Haurchefant Greystone

I didn’t play FFXIV for three years because I thought Haurchefant was a main character. Literally, for like, three years, many of my friends were like “Play FFXIV!” and I was like “no!” because I didn’t want to hear about Haurchefant more than I already had to. By the time I met him in MSQ, I was willing to give him a chance. I got it, at the beginning - he’s helpful, he’s complimentary. The problem is, that’s it. I think he sounds like Kif Kroker, and I think I would rather die than fuck him, which is saying a lot coming from me since I think most aliens are super sexy. After I knew Haurchefant for, like, two weeks, he invited me to come to his house and he was like “you have no idea how long I waited for this!” You waited two weeks, man. I understand that you live in an icy tundra and you’ve not felt the touch of another in years, because that’s the only way you could possibly be this horny by the time I stumble into your office, but Jesus Christ, dude. I wish I could be friends with Haurchefant, but I know this is simply not possible since he is so deeply horny that once the point was made the friendship could no longer recover. I am truly, deeply glad that I’ll never have to worry about having a Tinder date with Haurchefant go awry and he will never send me fifty texts asking for photos of my feet. Haurchefant is the most unfuckable man in Final Fantasy XIV. Sorry, Haurchefant. I wish things could be different.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

1. Nero tol Scaeva

Nero fucking sucks. I would probably fuck Nero. You should not fuck Nero.

2. Emet-Selch

I’m pretty sure that Emet-Selch wouldn’t even be DTF, at least not with the Warrior of Light. On the off chance that he was, though, I would definitely fuck Emet-Selch. I cannot see any good reasons why I shouldn’t fuck Emet-Selch. He is greasy, and old, and talks in riddles. This is extremely sexy to me. If these things are not extremely sexy to you, I don’t think you should fuck Emet-Selch.

[you-guys--are-losers]

Super need a fix about the scene where peter takes his shirt off in front of MJ. Maybe an alternative;) love ya

//Love ya, too!!! Ahh, I was hoping to receive a prompt about that particular scene. ;) I definitely have some thoughts about it, mostly concerning what would have happened if Ned hadn’t shown up right at that moment. So, here goes, and I hope that you guys appreciate my alternate ending! 

A Purely Anatomical Interest

Summary: MJ has imagined Peter Parker taking his shirt off in front of her many times. Now that it’s happening, though, everything is so much more confusing. Killer drones, secret identities, illusion tech, and a super-fraud: it’s enough all on its own, and MJ knows she’s capable of handling it.

Peter Parker’s abs, though? Those are another story. 

Characters: Michelle Jones x Peter Parker, Nick Fury, Quentin Beck

Word Count: 4,169 

Warnings: Partial Nudity, Teenage Awkwardness, Fluff, Angst

/ gifcredit: @alwaysthequietones /

Slam, thud.

The door to Peter’s hotel room slams shut behind them, causing both Peter and MJ to start slightly in the quiet of the suite. The noise is followed by the soft thump of their shared discovery as Peter tosses it on his bed. In the middle of the refined hotel room, the hunk of advanced metal tech is almost humorously out of place.

Or, at least, it would be humorous if everything weren’t so real all at once.

Suddenly, the soft humming of the radiator that was so calming when MJ initially settled into her own hotel room now seems ominous, like a quiet whisper that she can’t quite make out, no matter how hard she tries.

The warm glow the light casts over everything now feels ironic as Peter immediately launches to action, shooting to close the curtains. MJ is left standing in the center of the room, watching as the dweeb (whose relationship to her is far too confusing to contemplate at the moment) leaps into the action. Every little, paranoid measure he takes seems almost like second nature to him, something that strikes MJ as both amusing in a twisted way and a little sad.

How much of this, she can’t help but wonder, is a result of losing so much to the Blip?

Peter’s quiet mutterings snap MJ away from her quiet analysis of Peter Parker, and she simply watches and listens as he continues.”

“I can’t believe I gave back those glasses,” Peter breathes, peeking through the curtains one last time for good measure. Before the blue gingham has even had a chance to flutter back into place, he is already across the room and situated at his laptop. “I mean, how could I be that stupid? He’s probably spying on me right now, or sending a drone to come and kill me.”

MJ knows that the proper response is probably something like, “No, you’re not stupid, anyone would have made that mistake-” or whatever, but nothing of that sort leaves her lips as she turns to stare at him. Her eyes widen as she stares burning holes into the loser across the room, incredulous.

“You had access to killer drones?”

Okay, so not her smartest comment; after a quick examination of the statement, she supposes that his killer-spandex probably have given him access to a number of dangerous weapons. But drones… That sounds like something that she’s read about in one of her many conspiracy theories, except this?

This is real, in a way that fills her with both a pressing sense of anxiety and the strange, slightly macabre urge to laugh. After all, this is her life now, and he’s talking about things that sound like they came out of a low-budget sci-fi movie in complete seriousness.

“Yeah. I didn’t really want ‘em, especially after I almost killed Brad,” Peter mumbles. He ignores her stare for a moment, and MJ can’t help but be slightly grateful. She’s sure her eyes are bugging out of her head, and for a moment, she can’t even find words.

“You almost killed Brad?”

Peter’s eyes snap to her then, and at that moment he at least has the good sense to appear slightly sheepish and flustered as well. Now, MJ is acutely aware of the fact that she is standing in the middle of a chaotic, jumbled mess in Peter’s hotel room, and she’s pretty sure that he’s being struck by the same sort of realization.

Just when MJ thinks he might address it, Peter opens his mouth, hesitates for a fraction of a second, and moves on. “Look, I have to call Mr. Fury and tell him Beck’s a fraud, but… I think he tapped my phone.”

Right, right. Okay. There’s really no time to think about what this means; no time to think about them, about the weird walk on the bridge, about anything but the strange simulation tech that is sinking into the duvet and mattress topper.

MJ can tell that Peter’s mind is moving quickly, perhaps too fast even for him. He’s trying to think, but he’s not processing anything but his panic, and MJ knows that if he continues down this path he’s going to overanalyze himself into a meltdown.

Luckily, MJ’s expertise with conspiracy theory has brought her to the point that little can shock her, and this affinity for true crime has also taught her how to react in a crisis. Granted, most of the crises are hypothetical (except for the current political climate in the US, but that is an issue for another day), but any experience is beneficial if it makes her helpful in a situation like this.

“Okay, so what are you gonna do?” MJ’s voice is sharp, practical as she scrutinizes Peter. For a moment, his eyes flicker to hers, and MJ can see the shifting of his brain into gear as his face loses that stupidly adorable flustered expression. A quiet sort of confidence is left in its place.

“Um, I need my suit,” Peter begins, and MJ offers a small nod. There. He’s figuring out what he needs to do now, and she can tell that her logical question was enough to ground him. “And I have to go to Berlin and talk to Mr. Fury in person.”

With that, Peter jumps into action, and MJ observes him as he grabs a dark bundle of fabric (pfft, ”Night Monkey” her ass) and immediately begins to remove his shirt and pants.

It takes MJ a moment to even process what is happening. As soon as it hits, her eyes shoot open so quickly it hurts. Peter doesn’t realize their compromising situation quite as quickly as MJ, but when he does, his mouth falls open slightly.

His eyes meet her own, and for a moment, they stand in front of each other just staring.

MJ can see the beginning of a slight, awed smile that Peter is trying to hide, and so she quickly looks anywhere else. Unfortunately, the only other option presented her is, well–

Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope-ity nope, nope, nope.

They’re just muscles, MJ tries to remind herself as they seem to stare her down. Just anatomical structures meant to allow movement of the skeleton. They’re useful, and that’s all. There’s nothing about them that’s supposed to be aesthetically pleasing…

Oh, but they are.

It is only then that MJ realizes that the pair of them have been staring. Heat floods her cheeks. MJ swallows, clenching her jaw, and offers him what might be an attempt at a nod before she slowly revolves, turning to face the wall. There is a moment of hesitation as her eyes find the fancy wallpaper, seizing on the pattern as the rustling and zipping of fabric resumes.

Maybe if MJ stares at the wall designs enough they will erase the image of Peter’s bare chest that has burned itself into her mind.

This proves to be just wishful thinking, however. No matter how hard MJ tries to think her way out of this one, to focus on something, anything else, all her brain can scream at her about is the fact that Peter Parker is standing behind her, half-naked and built like one of the Spider-Man action figures in the stores.

She always had thought them to be an exaggeration, but nope.

Maybe this doesn’t have to be a weird thing. The thought comes out of nowhere, and MJ’s eyes drift upward as she tries to keep herself from considering it. Maybe if she focuses on the light fixture above her–

You had a chance on the bridge, and you blew it, the voice in her brain realizes. You lied.

A little pang of guilt worms its way through her stomach, and MJ is having trouble ignoring it. She searches for any way to ease it, but there isn’t one. MJ’s policy is honesty, even when it hurts. Now that she’s broken it, she understands why.

Because even if the truth hurts, it doesn’t hurt as much as it does to hide it.

And here is a chance to make it right. It is for this reason that MJ slowly begins to turn, eyes traveling to the side as she waits for the loser that she’s been crushing on for years to come into view. But each second that it takes to turn adds to the panic in her chest, and at the very last moment, MJ’s stomach lurches to tell her she can’t do it.

Okay. It’s fine, it’s okay. MJ snaps her head back forward so that she is facing opposite him, squeezing her eyes shut. For a few seconds, MJ takes deep breaths as she struggles to regain her composure.

Alright, this is stupid.

It’s Peter Parker, MJ reminds herself. Her mental voice is chastising now, fed up with the amount of pure, unfiltered teen stupidity that is running rampant through her brain right now.

This is the kid who tripped on the way onto the bus, smacked into the side railing, and then apologized to it. He’s not some terrifying, unapproachable person; he’s him, and that’s why MJ likes him. Maybe even more than that.

And that’s why he deserves the truth.

MJ takes a deep breath, slowly allowing her eyes to open. After a minute, she deliberately sucks in some air, parting her lips. It’ll take two seconds, she reasons, to tell the truth. So go. And with that thought, MJ begins to speak.

“So-”

What if he doesn’t feel the same for you, and when he looks at you his stupid puppy-eyes have pity in them?

The thought crashes into MJ out of nowhere like a semi-truck into a smart car. It knocks the breath out of her lungs, and before she even has time to think, words come tumbling out of her mouth.

“There’s actually three types of muscle in your body. Or, at least, in the human body. I don’t really know what kind of muscles there are in the spider body, so I guess that you could have some weird, hybrid-type muscle going on. You know, because of the radiation.”

Each syllable follows directly on the heels of the last one, sending them all stumbling into one another as they hit the air in a rapid-fire burst. The movement of the fabric behind MJ stops suddenly, sending the room into silence for a moment.

MJ might be imagining it, but when Peter speaks, she swears that she can hear a bit of breathlessness in his confused tone. “MJ, what are you-”

The panic returns again, this time in a stronger surge, and MJ knows that she can’t let him talk. She can’t let him, because what if he says something and it hurts? So there’s only one alternative left.

“There’s smooth muscle, which some of your organs are made out of. It’s the slimy stuff, and it kind of does its own thing, so you don’t really see much of it. Then there’s cardiac muscle.”

“MJ-”

“It’s the stuff that makes up your heart, and it’s pretty weird-lookin’. Kinda got that whole bamboo aesthetic goin’ on, you know? It’s called striation. Also, each cell has more than one nucleus, so that’s pretty cool, too. I wish Flash had more than one brain; it might make up for some of the stupid.”

“Wait, I don’t-”

“Then there’s skeletal muscle, which is the type you can actually build. That’s the stuff the bodybuilders have a ton of. It weighs, like, a ton or something, and it’s basically the stuff that moves around your bones, kind of like puppet strings. So your skeleton is one big puppet, and then your muscles are the things that make it dance around like a marionette.”

“Um, okay. So that’s all pretty cool and creepy, but-”

“Right? So there’s no reason for muscles to be attractive.”

MJ stares at the wall all the more fiercely, her breath becoming even more shallow as silence stretches between them. She swears she can hear Peter’s breathing catch in his throat, but before she has time to analyze it, MJ surges ahead.

“They’re really just useful, so there’s nothing that impressive about building them up, right? Like, bodybuilding competitions are just weird. ‘Oh, huh, you have the same stuff everyone else has, you just wasted more time and energy than anyone else on pointless movements. So, here’s a trophy.’ All that having muscles means is that you did the same thing that everyone else already does to function a couple extra times. So this whole thing everyone has for muscles is really weird.”

MJ can barely hear Peter’s slightly constricted interjection. “MJ, I-”

“Some scientists think that it has to do with the whole strength thing. Apparently, our monkey brains like looking at someone who has whatever body type is the hardest to get because it means that that person is powerful. Since today, food is less difficult to obtain for a larger percentage of the population, someone who is muscular or skinny has sex appeal. That’s why when everyone was, like, starving to death and dying of dysentery and plague, being well-fed and heavier was seen as the ideal body type.”

MJ is fully aware that, to date, talking about diseases involving violent episodes of diarrhea has not been a particularly successful seduction method. But now that she has started talking, MJ can’t stop. She needs to say anything, anything and everything.

She needs to say everything because if she stops talking she knows she’s going to have to say the truth.

“So, by that logic, muscles aren’t really attractive. They’re just the hardest thing to get, so they’re the most sought-after,” MJ rambles, seizing a panicked breath between statements. “Pretty lame, really, how capitalistic attitudes ruin our standards of beauty. It’s one of the many evils of the system-”

“MJ.” Peter seems to have recovered his voice, though it is slightly lower and huskier than normal.

MJ clenches her fists, and her breath seems determined not to leave her as she attempts to burn holes in the wall with her eyes. Maybe, if she stares hard enough, she can set the building on fire, and then they never have to talk about this situation ever again. Or, hey, they don’t know the full capabilities of the advanced technology on Peter’s bed. If MJ presses the right button, it could open a hole in the ground that will swallow MJ right up.

Deep down, though, MJ knows that whatever happens next is inevitable. There’s no avoiding the discussion that’s going to follow, so she might as well let it happen to her. MJ lets out the held breath in a soft sigh, loosening her fists.

“Yeah, loser?” MJ’s voice is quiet, and though the words themselves have confidence, she can’t keep a note of hesitation out of her voice.

“I, uh– could you turn around?” Peter’s voice is just as flustered and uncertain, and something about it calms her. It is for this reason that MJ nods, and before she can stop herself, slowly turns herself around.

As soon as she does, MJ can feel all the blood in her body return to her face again. She manages to keep herself frozen, at the very least, but the hammering in her heart makes it feel like someone has shoved Usain Bolt into MJ’s chest cavity. Because, though Peter has the suit on up to his neck, she can still see every single muscle in Peter Parker’s chest, each one only further highlighted by the gleaming, black, suit.

MJ can’t help but think that if there is a God out there, She must have chiseled each and every sculpted rise and fall in Peter’s chest Herself.

In order to preserve her sanity, though, MJ locks her eyes onto Peter’s own. In them, she finds the same alarming depth that is there every time she glances his way. As her eyes fix themselves onto his own, MJ knows that it is this deep, dark warmth that keeps her looking his way, keeps her observant.

As she looks into them now, she sees a tangle of emotions: hesitation, uncertainly, awkwardness. But what she sees that causes her heart to skip a few beats is the hope that ties it all together.

“So, um…” Peter starts awkwardly, running a hand through his hair. MJ swallows thickly, pursing her lips, but she doesn’t look away. “I-I’m sorry. I should’ve thought about it before I started, uh, changing. You didn’t consent to seeing that, so…”

“Uh, no, it– it’s fine,” MJ replies, a little too quickly. For a second, there is more silence, and they both quickly look away from each other.

MJ’s gaze snaps back to his, though, when Peter clears his throat. When her eyes find the slightly awed smile forming on his lips, though, she can’t breathe again. Her eyes narrow just a bit, and the question that leaves her lips is slow and careful. “What?”

Peter quickly erases the smile, but a fraction of the expression remains in his wide eyes. “Uh, nothing,” he stammers. “I mean, we just established that, um, there’s really no reason for anyone to find my muscles attractive.”

MJ isn’t sure quite how to respond to that one, but it’s easier to give him a quick, stiff nod than it is to address the warm tingling in her stomach, so that is what she does. “So?”

Peter’s eyes lock on her own, and they hold all of the familiar things: nervousness, for one thing, and an acute awareness that whatever he is about to do it probably a bad idea. There’s also a gleam of intensity, though, and this is what prevents MJ from looking away as he speaks.

“Well, uh… I guess, even if that’s true, I wouldn’t be upset if you did.”

That statement sucks all of the breathable oxygen out of the room, and MJ’s eyes widen as she gawks at him. She has to process this– she needs to run his statement through her head once, then twice, and then maybe three or four more times for good measure…

No.

For once, a smooth, cooling silence settles itself over the chaos in MJ’s head. As she looks at him, letting his words wash over her, MJ realizes that there is no pity in those eyes, no matter how hard she looks. In fact, if she looks hard enough, she can see something else, something that scares her for a different reason.

Something that scares her in a good way.

So, when MJ speaks this time, it isn’t to drown him out or to hold herself back, and it isn’t in a jumble of words. This time, her words aren’t meant to beat away the fear, they’re meant to embrace it– and they’re meant to do it in as few words as possible.

“Good.” The one word is enough to fill the space between them, and as soon as it drops from her lips the ripples it creates expand into crashing waves that roar in her ears. Peter’s eyes widen across from MJ, but then the smile is returning.

When he looks at MJ, Peter looks like he has never seen anything like her before– he looks at her with an admiration that is pure and whole. It’s not the sort of absentminded appreciation that one has for a sparkling jewel or a static painting, something meant to be seen and not touched. This is the wonder inspired by a storm rolling in with massive, crashing waves, all of the awe that accompanies a brilliant sunrise, the kind of art that will never quite fit in a frame.

MJ lets out a shaky breath, and then she is taking a step to close the distance between them. Immediately, Peter matches it, and then they are so close that their chests are almost touching, so close that MJ has to tip her head down slightly to maintain eye contact with him.

Slowly, experimentally, MJ raises a hand and brings it to rest on Peter’s upper chest. It is warm, solid beneath her fingertips and the suit, and MJ can feel the sharp gasp that her touch causes in Peter Parker. Her eyes rise to meet his, and when they do there is a playful glimmer in them. In response, Peter slowly lets his hand wrap around the back of her neck, resting where his fingers can tangle in the baby curls at the nape.

His touch makes MJ nervous, but this is a different kind of nervous. These are the nerves that result from knowing that something is coming… Something soon, and something that is going to change everything you thought you knew for the better.

“Because even if I did like looking at your stupid arms or anything,” MJ informs Peter, composed though the inches between them seem to tingle with expectation, “it’s only because I’m an inquisitive person with… With a purely anatomical interest.”

Peter’s thumb travels lightly along the side of her neck, barely skimming the skin as he looks up at her. His smile only grows then, and MJ isn’t sure if her body is built to process the slight hint of adoration she can see in his irises.

“I-I think I can live with that,” Peter manages to say, his voice an octave higher than normal. “And, um… Maybe, when I get back from Berlin, we could have– I dunno. An anatomy lesson?”

MJ stares at him for a minute, face completely inscrutable. Peter’s eyes widen as he realizes what he’s said, and MJ watches as his eyes dart around the room, clearly searching for a means of escape.

“Wait, I– uh, I didn’t mean it like-like that, I-”

It’s Peter’s panicked stammering that causes MJ to break. The laughter that bursts from her is wild and unexpected, and it can’t possibly surprise Peter more than it surprises MJ. But there, in the middle of the hotel room, MJ can’t help but sit in the middle of it all and laugh. Peter joins in too, after a minute, and when they step away from each other it’s with a new sort of ease that MJ has only tasted around him before.

“You didn’t just say that.”

“Um,” Peter says with a grin, rubbing his neck sheepishly as he strides to the window, “yeah, maybe you can forget about that while I’m gone?”

“No chance.”

“Yeah, I knew it was a long shot.”

The window slides open, then, and as the night air enters the room, the sort of frenzied relief that MJ feels darts out into the darkness of Prague. As MJ turns to face Peter, there is something different in her eyes– something determined. “Hey, dork.”

Peter, who has by now effortlessly leaped into the open window, turns to face her. He has pulled down the mask on his suit now, and MJ can’t help but miss his dark eyes as she stares into the glassy, opaque ones. “Yeah?” he asks, and just the sound of his stupid voice is enough to make her heart twinge again, renewing the uncertain tension.

“Come back.”

For a minute, those opalescent eyes lock on her own, and MJ thinks that Peter is going to turn without saying anything. But then, his stupid voice pipes up, slightly constricted and forced in its optimism.

“Well, yeah. Who else will be able to get you that anatomy lesson?”

MJ can’t stop the shocked laugh that leaves her, and she slowly shakes her head. “Okay, yeah. Get out before I call Flash and tell him you have a thing for teacher-student stuff.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Peter replies, saluting her in response. His gaze lingers a little longer on her, though, and she could swear his body language softens. “Um… Bye, MJ. I’ll be back soon.” He moves to leave through the window then, but MJ finds herself lurching forward.

“Wait,” she says quickly, and Peter immediately freezes and turns back to her. As soon as he turns, his arm shoots out to catch the piece of tech that MJ has just tossed his way. “You’re gonna need this.”

“Oh.” Peter’s sheepish voice causes warmth to crawl up the back of MJ’s neck. “Thanks.”

“Let me know when you get there.” MJ isn’t sure what prompts her to say it.

Peter gives her one quick, final nod, lingering for a moment before he finally leaps into the night. MJ is left in his hotel room with the sounds of Prague drifting in through the open window. As she moves to close it, though, MJ realizes that those aren’t the only things that Peter has left with her.

MJ now has a slightly better understanding of the anatomy of who Peter is… And, though she can’t quite explains why, MJ knows that once they manage to get through this mess, there are going to be plenty of lessons for the both of them on the other side.

[stonerbughead]

maria watches friday night lights (#4)

season 2, pt 2!! (2x08-2x15)

ugh Matt is really having his Being A Stupid Teenage Boy season huh?

-lol love a good naked dude being chased scene — in this case, Smash on his recruiting trip being chased around by a potential future teammate. Classic.

(it’s kinda cute that Matt came to pick him up tho)

- the latest in season 2 being off the fucking rails: really? Riggins’ new digs include a meth lab on wheels??

-Landry confessing to murdering someone and then having his sheriff dad drag him out of the station to go home is the whitest shit EVER. Like, Landry is literally *trying* to be punished and they just won’t punish his white, cop-kid ass. ‘Murica. (I mean don’t get me wrong: it WAS self defense against someone literally stalking and trying to rape Tyra, but the point still stands that if Landry was a black kid he’d have been tried as an adult and convicted no doubt)

-YESSSSS a MySpace shoutout! we love to see it

“I hate you” - Santiago (and also me) @ Buddy Garrity

-omg Coach Taylor noticing that things aren’t good at home for Riggins and taking him in, my heart!

-Wow in just one scene Riggins charmed baby Grace, warned Tami’s sister not to shame women for eating a lot (“it can lead to anorexia, especially in girls”) and then offered to go out to the store to get baby formula in the pouring rain. What a man.

-and yes, Shelly, you fully grown woman, it IS a bad idea to lust after a TEENAGE BOY

-wow Riggins protecting Julie from the SUPER DRAMATIC TORNADO that made me laugh. Do we get to have a Riggins-Julie friendship??? bc I’d be down. We need more friendships.

-Thank you, Tami, saying “EW” to her sister watching Riggins work out! Someone has sense to know a fully grown woman shouldn’t be lusting after a teenager! Julie can lust if she wants tho, that’s age appropriate.

-DYING at Landry being aghast that Tyra’s never heard of West Side Story.

-oh god, Lyla — it is totally fair to assume your mom would tell your dad she’s getting remarried, especially if she knew you’d be seeing him — so I’m sorry you’re the one who accidentally set off whatever nonsense Buddy is gonna pull now that he knows his ex wife is “marrying that treehugger.”

“Who’s that?” “Some douchebag named Chip. who names their kid Chip anyway?” Same, Tyra, same.

-Landry, one of my biggest pet peeves is asking someone out while they’re on the clock. Like, come on! let Tyra work, boy.

-Jesus Christ it’s like everywhere Julie looks, she has to see Matt making out with someone. That’s rough.

-and oop Matt you busted bc Julie actually knows who Carlotta is!

-once a cheater, always a cheater, Buddy. And yes to Pam for being like “nah bye I’m happy now, it is over.” You treated her like garbage so here we are, sir!

-hilarious that Landry is the one who ends up throwing the first punch that gets the post-tornado, school-crossover tensions to finally boil over

-I like that they show both the fall formal and the party where everyone who didn’t go to the formal is. Nice.

-Aw poor Julie got drunk af to deal with all her feelings. This really is the season where they have Julie and Matt being sixteen year olds in the most painful ways. So maybe it’s good they’re not together during this tho I’m still looking forward to when the tide turns their way again.

-anyway, Tim is a good friend for getting the creep who thought he was “one beer away from getting laid” off of Julie.

-And....in true Texas dad fashion, Eric Taylor misinterprets everything! Noooo. We can’t have nice things.

-This Noelle-Smash partnership is definitely an interesting pairing. Two very ambitious football people courting all these recruiters while Smash’s mom side eyes them in the corner? Hilarious.

-omg not this Oklahoma tech recruiter harassing smash’s mom in the grocery store! GTFO here! Give her some fucking personal space. They really do such a good job of showing as much of the toxic shit about football culture as the inspiring, big moments.

-Aw and I love that Tami tried to help Mama Smash get the guy to go away. It’s such a familiar scene, women helping each other get a dude harassing them away. And then they have a heart to heart in the parking lot? Love that.

-omg what a throwback that Shelly TAPED OVER Eric’s football game to tape a NEW EPISODE of The Office! Love it. “Y’all should get a TiVo.”

-omg watching Tami and Eric work out arguments is so beautiful, they communicate very well! We stan a good marriage.

-wow seeing the other coach from tornado school lose his shit publicly after he knocked down Riggins was uh....wild???? This is the second time he put his hands on Riggins!

-awww Eric actually coming to apologize to riggins for overreacting about Julie when he hears the real story??? Love it.

-Weevil from Veronica Mars shows up as a friend of Santiago’s? Of course.

-WOW and Logan from Gilmore girls as a Christian radio host...tracks.

“Is that your way of telling her you like her?” Jason making a surprisingly astute observation about Tim. (And Lyla.)

-yo why would you invite your daughter’s boyfriend’s family over for dinner just to say they shouldn’t date? (And bc it’s an interracial relationship.) Southern culture is wild to me lol

-wow the racist coach from last season is now off spouting his mouth about how “no wife of mine would be working with a kid at home.” I love that Eric calls him out as sounding stupid and ignorant — you better!

-hearing that Lyla burned her cheerleading uniform is one of the most badass things she’s done so far tbh along with that dealership destruction

-off the rails update: 2x12 was toooo much!! Like, Jesus between Smash’s sister getting harassed at the movie theater by the racists who hate on smash and Noelle...and this plotline with Santiago and his old friends trashing Buddy’s place...it’s like, can we breathe.

-I could not be more excited for Carlotta to leave and another teenage boy with adult woman relationship to end.

-wow can’t believe the plotline where Riggins stole $3000 from a drug dealer isn’t ending well for him. And now Smash is getting arrested bc of those racist guys from the movie theater episode? One recap I read said that too many of this season’s plots feel contrived and I think that sums it up.

-is there any character who HASN’T worked at Buddy Garrity’s dealership at this point?!

-and yikes at all the other salespeople being mad that a salesperson in a wheelchair was hired...y’all mad ugly and ableist for that

-Tyra and Landry are....confusing

-Wait Logan from GG is an actual preacher and not just a Christian radio host? CREEPY. And he kissed Lyla? A lot to unpack there.

-lol Tim trying to woo Lyla is kinda funny to watch simply bc Tim is clearly so confounded by rejection

-I love how much space they give for Smash’s sister’s pain in the Noelle-Smash theater incident. A lesser show wouldn’t have centered her as much.

-is it mean of me to say Jason is boring AF most of the time

-yeah this dreads girl is seemingly way more compatible with Landry than Tyra yikes! Like she made him a power metal mix cd???

-wow this Smash storyline where mouthing off to the press is what gets him suspended....really checks out bc teenage boys are dumb

-I love Tami as a volleyball coach and getting to see another sport! Also as someone who’s been on a losing team I know that feeling of finally winning a game!!! Go Dillon volleyball!!! (Am I maybe currently writing a Bughead fic based on my underdog field hockey experiences? ;) yes yes I am)

-Oh shit now Saracen’s at the nihilistic Nothing Matters phase of teenage angst. Right on schedule!

-lol these two short haired blondes (white dreads Jean and Tyra) being in a love triangle with Landry is wild

-Omg jean just said, “are you a friend or are you competition?” She is not playing!

-I love Riggins dragging Saracen to practice

“I don’t want you to become at an at-risk youth” -Landry teasing Saracen while also sincerely caring about him is some of the best friendship banter on this show. The accuracy 😂

-It seems like Julie gets a lot of hate? But I think I have such a soft spot for Julie bc I was a bitchy teenager with undiagnosed mental health disorders and I just wish so much #growth for her! Also I really do miss her and Saracen’s relationship, I’m so excited I’m almost at S3 where it seems like it’s happening again?

-LOL this guy at the dmv is the first person in Dillon to be like, “no I hate football.” That tracks.

-wow Saracen is getting driven to the hospital to make sure his grandma is okay by the sex worker who was just giving him a lap dance. Amazing.

-also I hope grandma is okay!

-okay Tyra throwing her hat in the ring for Landry at the last minute? Idk I think Jean deserves the win but there’s no way it’ll happen bc she’s a guest actor?!

-awww Saracen’s abandonment issues coming out whiles he in the tub after being sobered up by Eric Taylor. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” 😭 and “your daughter left me for a better guy” - will take that crumb — first mention of Julie out of Saracen’s mouth in a minute

-hey, Landry, my friend: flirting with a girl (Jean) to get her outside then dumping her immediately is kind of a wild bait and switch. But I get it, he’s been in love with Tyra for a long time and Tyra IS right — they had a very fucked up start to their relationship so it makes sense she needed a minute to process her ~feelings~. however I definitely identified closer to a jean in my high school experience L O L (minus the unacceptable white dreads)

-these Julie and Tami driving scenes are painfully accurate, btw. Love them.

-wow the scene of Smash hyping everyone up, the adrenaline/energy of the team cheering with helmets and a classic “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” - then the whole team running out onto the field and leaving an empty locker room with just Smash breaking down into tears....#art

-alright y’all I’m gearing up for the last episode of S2! Thanks to @lockitin for reminding me this is the writers’ strike season — I was in eighth grade then and remember being pissedddd about the shortened fourth season of “the office” — so I’m fully prepared for the abruptness to come.

-I love when they parallel showing the white church and the black church

-and Tim going to church just to see Lyla makes me laugh

-ooooof Jason you cannot put on this waitress you had a one night stand with the fact that this could be your only chance to have a baby!!! Omg this poor woman who just pointed out she, too, is NINETEEN.

-wait so is Riggins doing a sports show on a Christian radio station? What?

“I think you’re really hot. Your long hair reminds me of Jesus” -Christian girls being horny for Riggins LOL

-awww Saracen being like “okay Landry you’re gonna impress Tyra right now” before that football play was a cute friendship moment for those two

-aww I love how this Smash storyline is turning out with Coach Deeks whose had his eye on him for six years my heart 😭

-also unclear to me whether Logan Huntzberger the Preacher is a fully grown adult dating a high school senior?? Biggest teen drama pet peeve once again! Stop this!

-Tami is my heroine for just leaving Eric at the restaurant fighting with her ex. “see you at home, honey!”

-I’m sorry, is Jason gonna like actually convince this girl to have a baby with her one night stand at 19??? Oh lol wait THAT ended up being the cliffhanger of the whole season? Fucking hilarious.

well I made it through season 2!!! Super psyched for Season 3, Jay has been hyping me up for it. See y’all next time! (I’ll try to post more for season 3 bc this accidentally got long af.)