#I think it’s the medication and the realization that this is my final semester

[crybaby-bkg]

been wanting to write lately but all of my ideas have been so self indulgent and catered to Me and those usually don’t get as much traction but writing things I don’t care about is so hard for me now and I am. angerey. but wil still make this shit self indulgent ☝🏼

[strwbwrrybunny]

𝐼𝒩𝒦𝐸𝒟—toji z.

in which your tattoo artist asks for your number.

mature content ahead,18+

word count:5k

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

You had to be utterly deranged. You’d come to the conclusion that you’d finally lost your marbles. Here you were, on some random strip in the heart of bustling New Orleans, letting your best friend, Min, cajole you into getting a tattoo. You’re deathly afraid of needles, and the mere thought of one poking and prodding into your skin sends a wave of nausea crashing over you like a golden tidal wave.

Yet, the persistent voice in the recesses of your mind urged you on. You blamed it on those damnably colorful cocktails you’d imbibed at the bar.But how could you forgo alcohol tonight? The semester had just ended, and after countless nights of crying and tearing at your hair over medical terms you couldn’t pronounce, while guzzling energy drinks like they were lifelines, you were finally done.

Back to the point, tattoos. You always thought tattoos were hot on other people but could never muster the courage to get one yourself. But tonight, you felt brave, daring even. Before your mind even realized what you were doing, you were nodding your head, an excited squeal filling the chilly air as Min did a happy dance.

Sucking in a deep breath, you pushed open the large wooden door and stepped inside. The sound of the bell above the door signaled your entrance. The interior of the shop was cozy and inviting, walls adorned with various tattoo designs and artwork. The scent of antiseptic mixed with a hint of incense created an oddly comforting atmosphere.

“Welcome, ladies! I’m Toji. Welcome to Ink and Needle.” A deep voice greeted, and you averted your eyes from the wall to the man. He was undeniably cute. Long raven hair touched his shoulders, giving him a rugged but clean look. His smile was bright and wide, a subtle dimple indenting his cheek, and your stomach flipped.There was a jagged cut on his lips and you pondered its backstory.

His eyes were a mesmerizing grey, holding your gaze intensely. You could feel your neck warming in embarrassment as you realized you were staring like a creep. His olive skin was extremely clear,he wore a long-sleeved black compression shirt that hugged his muscles just right, paired with dark denim jeans and a pair of scuffed-up red Converses.

The combination was effortlessly stylish and made him even more attractive to you. He was so close that his scent was practically smothering, a hint of spice and sweet.

He was talking, but you were completely zoned out, fascinated by the way his sharp jaw tensed with each word. You couldn’t help but let your mind wander to how good his head game probably was. You shook your head.

Perv much.

“Hi,” you sheepishly mustered out.

Min grabbed your shoulders, a grin plastered on her face. "Yeah, hi Toji, my friend here is looking to get her first tattoo. The sign outside says you take walk-ins?"

Toji smiled, scratching at his eyebrow piercing before folding his arms over his chest. "Yeah, what were you contemplating getting?" He steps closer as you fish your phone from your pocket. You can't help but hitch a breath at this; the height difference between him and you is stark.

"I was thinking about this, but a bit smaller," you say, biting the inside of your cheek as he examines the picture. He nods, "Where were you thinking about getting it?" he questions.

"Oh, my hip."

"Awesome, I'll just need you to sign a consent form and provide some form of ID."

You nod, rummaging through your purse and pulling out your ID. He takes your ID and hands you a clipboard. You skim over the rules and aftercare steps before initialing the bottom. He steps behind the counter and types something on the desktop before he's back at your side. He collects the clipboard and hands back your ID, a nervous "thanks" leaving your lips.

"You can have a seat over there; I'll get my things and we can get started," Toji motions over to a tattoo station.

"Good luck!" Min giggles. You turn and quirk an eyebrow at her.

"You're not staying?"

"I'm gonna go grab some pizza from that parlor down the street. Want me to bring you back something?" she asks. You frown and cross your arms over your chest. Your first ever tattoo that she had convinced you to get, and she wouldn't even be here to witness it. So much for squeezing her hand.

“Slice of pepperoni topped with extra cheese. Please hurry back," you huff out, watching her nod before spinning on her heels. The chime of the doorbell sounding like your own undoing.

Fuck, why did you let her convince you to do this.

You sink into the plush black chair, your heart thundering against your chest in fervent anticipation. God, you prayed you wouldn't vomit on this man. Toji's busy gathering his equipment, and your heart skips a beat as the hum of the tattoo machine reverberates through the air.

"So, you're a uni student?" Toji inquires, noticing your palpable anxiety. You're sweating, despite the tattoo shop being a cool seventy degrees, your leg bouncing with nervous energy.

"Yeah, I'm a sophomore," you respond, casting a glance his way. "What about you? How did you get into tattooing?"

A smile tugs at his pink lips as he scoots his seat closer to you. You try not to let the awkwardness seep in as you lie there on the chair, your backside practically in his face. Regret starts to creep in about your Y2K fashion choice—low-rise jeans with a thong and a cropped pink shirt. You try not to dwell on it too much, lest you melt into a puddle of embarrassment.

“Well,” Toji begins, his eyes catching a glimpse of your pink lace underwear. He'd be lying if he said his dick didn't twitch in his pants. He couldn’t help but notice how incredibly soft your brown skin looked, and he had to constantly remind himself to keep his touch professional.

It was a struggle, especially when he noticed the gentle curves of your body and the way you smelled—sweet, warm, and utterly intoxicating. Every time he leaned in to sketch a different part of the design, your scent filled his senses, making it hard to concentrate.

“I’ve always loved art, and tattooing seemed like a natural extension of that. Plus, I enjoy the idea of creating something permanent and meaningful to someone.”

You flinch slightly when the needle makes contact with your flesh. As it works on your brown skin, you relax; it’s not as bad as you imagined, kind of like an intense mosquito bite. As Toji works, you can feel yourself relaxing more and more, actually enjoying the banter and the needle on your skin.

“May I ask as to why you selected a semicolon tattoo? If it’s too personal, I completely understand.”

“No, no, it’s fine. A semicolon is utilized when an author could have concluded a sentence but chose to continue. For me, it represents my struggle with mental health. There were instances when I thought I couldn't go on, but I chose to persevere. This little mark serves as a reminder that my journey isn't over, and I have the power to keep writing my own story."

A moment of silence ensues before Toji speaks up, “Wow. That’s incredibly powerful,” he replies, admiration evident in his voice. "I had no idea a simple punctuation mark could carry such profound meaning. It’s truly inspiring to see how you've transformed your struggles into something so positive and empowering."

You can’t help but let a small smile form on your face, relieved that he can’t see it.

“So,” you say, attempting to lighten the mood, “do you have any tattoos?”

“A few,” he smirks, “maybe you’ll get to see them one day.”

“Maybe.” You're full-on smiling now, heart fluttering. Was he flirting? He was definitely flirting. You found him attractive, and clearly, he thought the same about you. Before you knew it, Toji had finished the tattoo. He was now carefully cleaning the area and applying a bandage. His cold fingertips pressing into your skin sent shivers down your back. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t slightly turned on; his touch was so caring and gentle.

Damn, were you this touch-deprived?

“All done, wanna take a look?” Toji questions, flipping off the humming machine. You’d been laying down for so long your legs had fallen asleep. You took a minute to stretch your sore limbs before sauntering over to the mirror. It was perfect, the lines were clean, and it was the perfect size.

This man had the hands of a perfectionist.

“I love it!” you smile, looking at your hip in the mirror.

“I’m glad. It looks perfect on you,” Toji compliments, and you can’t help but turn your eyes away from the mirror to look at him. He’s already staring at you, a glint in his eyes that you can’t quite read. He knows it’s inappropriate to be staring at you like this, but he can’t resist. He finds you absolutely intoxicating.

The way your coiled hair cascaded down your back and framed your round face so perfectly. Your lips, coated in a glossy sheen, pulled into a sheepish smile, making his heart race. He’d been hard the entire time he was working on your tattoo, and he was grateful your back was turned to him. It gave him a moment to compose himself before he finished, though it was torture not being able to see your face.

“So, how much is it?”

Your sweet voice breaks his train of thought. “It’s on the house,” Toji smiles at you, standing to his feet and pulling his gloves off. You raise an eyebrow at him but decide not to press the matter. If it’s free, that’s more money in your pockets.

“Thanks so much, Toji. You did a great job. I’ll definitely be recommending you to all my friends,” you beam, admiring the way the tattoo clashed with your brown skin. He can’t help but let his eyes falter to your ass before he meets your gaze.

“I know this might sound weird, but do you think I could get your number?”

You’re taken aback. This fine-ass man had given you a free tattoo, and he wanted your number. Could your night get any better?

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” You giggle, feeling like a schoolgirl once again. Your hand digs into your purse, and you hand him your phone, watching as his large hands hold your phone, making it look like a toy. He types his number in and hands it back.

“Text me, okay? I’ll be looking forward to it.” He smiles, and you can’t ignore the butterflies in your stomach.

“Of course. Guess I’ll see you around?”

He nods, watching you exit the shop.

Now that you were back on the streets, you remembered Min. She’d been gone for an hour now. Your stomach grumbled in dissatisfaction. Where the hell was your pizza with extra cheese? You huffed, crossing your arms across your chest before you began making your way to the parlor.

“Oh my god! He gave you a free tat and asked for your number? Lucky bitch!” Min exclaims loudly, catching a couple of gazes from people eating around you. You giggled and pushed her shoulder.

“He was cute, right? Like DILF material.” You crack a smile before munching on your pizza. The cheese melts in your mouth, and you can’t help but moan at the greasy masterpiece, your stomach grumbling in agreement.

“I wonder if he has any cute DILF friends.” Min pouts.

“Oh yeah, I’ll text him, ‘Hey mister, got any DILF friends for my friend?’”

“Really?” Min perks up.

“I’m being sarcastic.”

She pouts.

“Boo, you whore.”

You both laugh, and Min leans in closer, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “But seriously, he was so into you. Did you see the way he looked at you?”

You smirk, feeling your face get hot.

“Yeah, I noticed. His eyes were like, piercing through my soul or something.”

Min sighs dreamily. “Ugh, why can’t guys like that ever notice me? I swear, I’d be the perfect girlfriend for a tattoo artist.”

You roll your eyes playfully. “Maybe you should get a tattoo next time. Who knows, you might get lucky too.”

Min giggles. “I just might. But for now, I’ll live vicariously through you and your hot tattoo guy.”

It’d been about a month now, and you and Toji talked almost every single day. You've learned so much about him. He grew up in New Orleans, and he's 29. Not only is he incredibly smart, but he also has a degree in psychology. You were relieved when you asked if he had kids, and he said no.

That would've been a huge turnoff for you, but lucky for you, he's waiting for the right person. His messages are always funny and flirty, often leaving you swinging and kicking your feet like an excited child. Still, you’re kinda bummed that you two haven’t hung out yet. It seems like every time he’s free, you’re busy, and when you’re free, he’s busy.

You think back to all the late-night conversations where he made you laugh so hard your sides hurt. The way he talks about his favorite jazz spots in New Orleans makes you want to visit the city just to see it through his eyes. You can almost hear his deep, soothing voice in your head when you read his texts, and it sends a shiver down your spine every time.

Despite the scheduling conflicts, you’re hopeful. You imagine the day you finally get to meet him in person, feeling the butterflies in your stomach just thinking about it. You know it’ll be worth the wait, and until then, his sweet and playful messages are enough to keep you smiling.

You're perched on the couch with a glass of wine, feet tucked underneath you as you watch "The Hills Have Eyes." You're a sucker for scary movies, and it’s only right to watch one when it’s pouring outside. Your kitten, Midnight, prowls around the living room before finally cuddling into your lap. “Hi Middy,” you coo, stroking her soft fur. You're distracted when your phone vibrates against the sofa.

Toji🤍: Hi pretty, sorry I haven’t been able to text much. Had appointments back to back.

It’s okay :) I missed talking to you.

Toji🤍: Can I come over? I’m dying to see that pretty face again.

You can’t help but let out an excited squeal as you type in the address. You’re not one to get so easily worked up over a man, but Toji is different. He makes you feel special, and he’s way more mature than those stupid college boys you’re used to dealing with.

“Sorry, Midnight,” you laugh, watching your kitty jump off your lap at the sudden movement. You’re currently wearing your ugly PJs; you can’t possibly see Toji in this.

You practically break your ankle running upstairs to your room, trying to get changed. Your heart races with excitement, but frustration builds as you can’t find the item you’re looking for. Where is it?

You yank open your closet and start shuffling through the hangers, tossing clothes aside until you finally find your v-necked silk nightgown. It cuts off just below your ass, and you know Toji will love it. You strip off your old t-shirt and sweat pants, your hands trembling slightly with anticipation, before slipping into the gown.

It hugs your curves perfectly and cups your breasts beautifully. You ruffle up your hair a bit, adding a touch of wildness, before giving yourself one more look in the mirror.

Twenty minutes rolled around, and you heard a knock on the door. You didn’t know why, but suddenly you were nervous, your heart beating rapidly against your chest. Fuck, you’re a grown woman—why’re you scared? You take a deep breath and knock back the rest of your wine.

As soon as you open the door, Toji’s soft lips are on yours, his inked arms wrapping around your waist as he pushes against you. You can't help but let a moan slip from your lips as his tongue slips into your mouth, his foot pressing the door closed.

You’d been longing for this moment for what seemed like forever, and now that it was finally happening, your head was swirling. His kiss was rough but passionate, and it had your stomach burning with desire. You frowned when he suddenly pulled away.

"God, you have no idea how much I’ve been waiting for that," he husks, his dark eyes locked with your brown ones. His hands are still firmly around your waist, his closeness making your entire body ache with desire. He smells so fucking good it makes your mouth water.

"Toji?" you breathe, barely recognizing your own voice.

"Yeah?"

"I need you."

"Lead me to the bedroom, princess."

You nod, grasping his hand in yours before making your way through the cozy apartment. As soon as you enter the room, his lips are back on yours. The way your soft lips move against his has his head spinning; they’re so soft and plump. His hands press into your hips, drawing you deeper into his embrace. The heat between your legs grows, and you fist his shirt desperately.

You can feel his bulge pressing into you eagerly. He pulls away from the kiss, a string of your combined saliva breaking apart. You watch as he lays on the bed, motioning for you to come over. His eyes are low and dark, and you can tell he’s restraining himself as he watches you saunter over to him. His eyes are glued to your body, his breath quickening as he takes in the sight of you. The way you swing your hips, the way your brown skin shimmers, the way your gown accentuates every curve—he fucking loves it.

"Sit on my face," he murmurs. You freeze for a moment; you’ve never actually sat on anyone’s face, and you’re afraid you’ll hurt him. Toji can see the uncertainties on your face, and he chuckles softly before sitting up. "You won’t hurt me, I’m not fragile," he reassures, wrapping his big hands in yours and searching your eyes.

His touch is firm yet gentle, grounding you in the moment. The intensity in his gaze melts your doubts away. Slowly, you climb onto the bed, your heart pounding in anticipation. He lays back, his eyes never leaving yours as you position yourself above him. His hands grip your thighs, guiding you down with a possessive yet tender hold.

As you lower yourself onto his face, you feel his hot breath against your core. His mouth eagerly meets you, his tongue exploring you with a hunger that sends waves of pleasure through your body.

You gasp, your hands finding purchase in his hair as he devours you. The sensation is overwhelming, every flick of his tongue and every groan vibrating against you, driving you closer to the edge.

Toji's hands squeeze your thighs, encouraging you to move. You begin to rock your hips, finding a rhythm that has both of you moaning in unison

“Oh—fuck, feels so g-good,” you whine,attempting to keep your heavy head up.His tongue wildly laps up your juices,darting over your entrance.He moans, the vibration against your quivering pussy eliciting a shaky moan from you.

You’ve never had your pussy eaten like this, and it’s evident to Toji as you greedily buck your hips against his face.His fingertips press into your doughy thighs holding you in place, “D-don’t stop, p-please don’t stop.” you sob.

“Bounce on my face doll,”

You bite your lip hesitantly,Toji nods, silently telling you it’s okay.You squat over his face,almost losing your balance when Toji’s slimy long tongue swipes across your core.

“Ughhh,” you draw out,pussy smacking down on his face with each descent of your hips.The noises you’re making are filthy and desperate, but you can’t help it, this man is a munch.

Each time you lower yourself onto him you can feel his tongue push through your folds.

He can’t help but groan you taste so fucking delicious and it’s hard to ignore the way his cock is pressing against his khaki jeans, threatening to burst at the seams.

Your moans are so damn pretty,they’re the perfect mix of breathy and whiny.You’re putty on top of Toji, he’s eating your pussy like a starved man.Your stomach flips each time you meet his mouth,broken mewls fumbling from your mouth.Your legs are trembling and you find it hard to continue to bounce,”It’s okay pretty.Let me do the work,” Toji mutters, hands latching back around your thighs.

“E-eating my p-pussy so good,” you stutter,Toji’s tongue is swirling inside of you, his pointed nose rubbing against your sensitive clit.Your sweet cries are motivation as he slurps, teeth grazing your clit.

The pleasure builds, your body trembling as you lose yourself in the ecstasy of his touch. You look down, meeting his dark, lust-filled eyes,and the sight pushes you over the edge. With a final, shuddering cry, you come undone, the pleasure washing over you in waves as Toji holds you steady, his mouth still working you through your climax.

"God, Toji," you pant, your body still trembling from the aftershocks. "That was incredible."

He pulls back slightly, his lips glistening with your arousal, a satisfied smirk playing on his lips. "Told you, you wouldn't hurt me," he teases, his voice husky. "And you taste fucking amazing."

Toji can’t get enough of you. Every moment with you feels like a drug he can't quit. His lips find their way back to yours, capturing them in a kiss that is both fervent and tender, as if he’s trying to memorize the taste of you. Your fingers, delicate yet determined, dance at the hem of his shirt, teasing the fabric before finally pulling it off.

The sight that greets you is breathtaking. His body, now exposed, is a canvas of muscle and ink. Tattoos, each one telling a story, are scattered across his skin, enhancing his already rugged beauty.

You take a moment to admire him, your eyes tracing the lines and curves of his form. He is even more beautiful unclothed, each tattoo adding to the allure of his physique. Toji, sensing your admiration, smirks slightly before positioning himself between your legs. The anticipation is palpable, each breath you take filled with the electricity of the moment.

"God, you’re beautiful," he murmurs, his voice husky with desire.

As he pushes into you, your jaw goes slack, a soft gasp escaping your lips. The stretching sensation is overwhelming, a mix of pleasure and intimacy that leaves you breathless. He feels incredible inside of you, filling you completely and making your stomach turn with every movement.

Your body responds instinctively, slick with sweat as you become a mess underneath him. His deliberate, controlled thrusts send waves of ecstasy through you, each one intensifying the connection between you.

"Toji…," you moan, your voice barely a whisper.

He leans down, his lips brushing against your ear. "I love the way you say my name," he whispers, his breath hot against your skin.

Your mind races, thoughts jumbled and incoherent. How does he make me feel this way? Every touch, every movement, it’s like he knows exactly what I need. You wrap your arms around him, pulling him closer, needing to feel every inch of him against you. Your bodies move in perfect harmony, a dance of passion and desire that neither of you wants to end.

"I need you," you manage to say, your voice trembling with emotion.

"I’m right here," he replies, his eyes locking onto yours, filled with a mix of tenderness and raw desire.Your nails dig into his back, leaving faint red marks against his skin.The sound of your wetness echos through his ears like music, your pussy queefing each time he pushes back inside of you.

He can’t help but groan in pleasure, you’re so fucking tight around him he wants to fill you up.You hook your legs around him, forcing him deeper into your cunt.His mouth waters at your bouncing tittes and he kneads one between his large hands.

Your nipples are and have always been extremely sensitive and you squirm as he massages the bud between his fingers.”This pussy is amazing,fuck,” he grunts,head dropping into the crane of your neck.Instinctively, you run your hands through his sweaty hair.He mewls in pleasure, kissing at your neck as his hands spreads your cheeks apart, plunging into your creamy pussy at a better angle.

“Fucking me so good,” you whine, stomach clenching.His swollen tip is prodding at your cervix and you can only take his relentless thrust.He feels so good inside of you, stretching your poor hole to it’s limit, you’re surprised he hasn’t ripped you.

You can tell he’s getting tired as his thrust become erratic,you’re sure as hell not a pillow princess either, you kiss his face gently swallowing back a whimper at another thrust.

“Let me ride you,”

Instantly, you’re straddling Toji.He looks so damn sexy underneath you, hair swiped to the back with sweat, needy eyes silently begging you to milk his cock.”Easy boy,” you giggle,grabbing the base of his dick.His tip is flushed with pre-cum and your arousal, you can’t resist swiping your thumb across him.

He whines underneath you, body tensing.You line him up with your dripping cunt, sliding your pussy folds against him earning a moan from him.You continue this, letting your folds roll over his tip then back down to his base.You can’t help but moan at the friction against your throbbing clit.

Toji’s a whiny red-faced mess under you, he’s throbbing excitedly in your hand.His hands pressed tightly into your waist, straining to hold himself back from pushing his hips up into you.Finally you sink onto him, your wetness welcoming his twitching cock warmly.

”Fuck…” he growls, he’s deeper than ever inside of you and you grip his shoulders as pain racks your body.He caresses your thighs as you adjust, fighting the urge to once again roll his hips into you.

“So proud of you, taking all of me like a big girl,” he mutters.

Your stomach flips at his words of gratification, hips finally beginning to grind against him.A boost of confidence rushes through you as his head lulls back, face scrunched as you ride him.

His needy gasps and whines are so fucking sexy, “fucking me so good,” he quivers, legs shaking as you sink back onto him.You’re so tight around him it’s got his toes curling,fuck, he could fill you up right now.You’re a shaky mess on top of him, your pussy suckling at him,begging for his cum.

You nearly scream as he starts rolling his hips into you, “r-right there,” you gasp out, fisting the sheets in complete bliss.Your moans mix with his, your neighbors probably hate you.His balls slap against your ass he snaps his hips into you, you look so breedable to him.He resists the urge to nut in you, the thought of your stomach swollen with his seed making his dick throb.

“Toji!” you rasp, he was fucking the shit out of you and it had your head spinning.With each prod of his dick into you, you could feel the knot in your stomach banding tighter.You sobbed as his thumb found your clit, flicking over your bud in hard circular motions.

“So s-sensitive,” you hiss,back arching allowing him to slide into you deeper.The feeling of his cock against your contracting walls making him groan deeply,his thumb still massaging your pink clit.

Tears well in your eyes,you’re so close.

“Kiss me,” Toji moans.

Toji's lips met yours in a wet, hungry kiss that left you both gasping for air. The kiss was desperate and passionate, a clash of teeth and tongues that sent shivers down your spine. You could taste the salty sweat on his lips, mingling with the heat of his breath. Your fingers grip his hair, pulling him closer as if you could merge your bodies into one.

Toji's kiss was relentless, a mixture of need and longing that left you both breathless.”Fuck,I’m cumming!” you whine against his lips,body shivering as your climax hits you.

“Cum on me baby, take what you need. It’s yours.” Toji encourages you, arms wrapping around you as he continues plunging into you.

He bucks his hips into your creamy heat until he feels the knot in his stomach snap, he gently pushes you off to release.His back arches of the bed as you grip him in your hands, deepthroating his cock.You gag as he hits the back of your throat, his seed shooting in your mouth.

”Oh my fucking god,” he whines, legs tense as you suck every drop of cum from him.His eyes snap close, reveling in the feeling of your warm mouth around his cock.

“I could marry your beautiful ass,” he laughs, as you pop him out of your mouth.

“maybe.” you tease.

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

this has been sitting in my drafts forever and i’m sick of looking at it! k bye.

[andhumanslovedstories]

I’ve been struggling lately with the feeling that my job is pointless. Intellectually I know it is not—nursing is one of those professions where you get to be real smug about knowing the value of your work. But it’s still felt very pointless. Like I’ll start a shift thinking, “what am I even doing here,” and end it thinking, “what have I actually even done.” It’s been a ROUGH couple months.

But I had a really good shift last time I worked, which was good for the soul and also a very useful data point. I got to do pain management advocacy and symptom management, met a bunch of cool patients, did education for new nurses, and had several long heart to hearts, which the kind of midnight heart to hearts that I think are the most important part of night shift, all of that while being well staffed with very pleasant and appreciative patients and coworkers, and I was still like. Pretty depressed. I had a sense of satisfaction and moments of joy and meaning, but it turns out that one good shift did not cure the depression that has been latched on to me for the last few months like some kind of fucked up mental health leech. As I realized I was still depressed and that it was still interfering with my life even when everything was going well, the sense of peace washed over me was the best I’d felt in a while. Because I was like, okay! None of my usual stuff as worked! I have no excuse not to try something new to get my brain out of the shit ditch it’s slipped into.

So I’m applying for short-term disability. I’m worried I won’t get it, and I’m not sure what the next step is if I get rejected, but I feel so much better having decided to pursue it. It’s so much fuckin paperwork for sure, to a degree that’s overwhelming except that that the form could be a checkbox that says, “you want money?” and I’d be like “THIS IS TOO MUCH.” I’m totally not writing this post instead of finishing an email to my manager. I’m definitely not writing this post to avoid dealing with coordinating all my various care providers. I’m certainly not at every moment worried that I’m secretly faking all this so I can get three to nine weeks of a cool summer vacation.

I was thinking about how I almost flunked nursing school in my final semester because I turned in assignments late for a class with a “no late homework” policy. The professor said that this was reflective of real life, where if you miss deadlines you’re just fucked. I ended up appealing my grade and passing, because frankly it was a weak reason for making me repeat a final semester when there was no issues with my actual work or knowledge. During my appeal, I was like “I also think this policy is ableist. Harsh penalties for late work hurt students with health problems, especially chronic health problems when you aren’t asking for one week off due to the flu but instead for a general and never ending flexibility. I’m not trying to make an excuse but explain why this policy is a bad one. Disabled healthcare workers are an asset to healthcare.” I’m trying to remember my own argument as I pursue help. My depression and ADHD and eating disorder do help me be a better nurse, not because like depression gives you superpowers, but because I manage my chronic illnesses every day, in ways that range from hardly noticeable to life or death. Being kind to patients means being kind to myself, and vice versa.

I’m rambling. I really do not want to do this paperwork or send these emails. And I’m not sure if I deserve the leave I’m trying to take. But I miss being love with my job. I miss enjoying it. I wouldn’t judge someone else for going on medical leave, and my job doesn’t want me to burn out or quit. It almost feels like I have to be skeptical of applying for leave because no one else is. Everyone I’ve spoken to has been very supportive, including my manager. And considering how many unpaid days off I’ve had to take lately, disability leave would be an improvement over some of my recent paychecks. All in all, short-term disability makes sense and seems like a reasonable response to circumstances. But FUCK. I wish it required like 90 percent less documentation.

[lualuabestningdungie]

Heart Shaped Webs | Huening Kai

Genre: fluff, Spider-Man au, non idol au

Pairing: spiderman! Huening Kai x gn!reader

Warnings: mentions of blood, injuries and medications, might contain grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.

Lua’s note: Hello! I’ve been thinking a lot about making a Spider-Man series for txt, so Huening Kai will be the first !! Credits to @kang_beatrix for the Spider Huening Kai edit!

Masterlist<3

It was late at night, you were trying to study for your chemistry exam. You were supposed to study with Huening Kai, since he was the best at chemistry in your class, but he canceled last minute because he had a doctor appointment or something like that.

You had already studied with him last semester since your chemistry teacher suggested it because your grades were very low, and surprisingly you understood everything he explained to you and you passed the final exam.

You were very excited to receive tutoring from him again, you had always find him very interesting and wanted to know him better, plus he was really handsome. You might’ve developed a small crush on him throughout this year. Every time you saw him walking down the stairs of the apartment complex you both lived in he would smile and wave and some other times if you were lucky he would walk with you to school.

You snapped out of your thoughts when you heard something outside your room. You stood up from your desk chair and went to check what the noise was. You went to your kitchen and realized the noise you heard was only your cat trying to reach his food container. You sighed and gave him some food and caressed his head.

“Try not to be so loud, I’m studying.”

With one last pat on your cat’s head you went back to your room. You opened the door and turned on the lights. But as soon as you did you realized there was someone else in your room.

A loud scream left your lips, and your eyes widened at the sight of this other person.

“Spiderm- Kai?!” You were so confused. In front of you there was a bruised and bleeding Huening Kai in a Spider-Man suit.

“Yn! What are you doing in my room?!” He said surprised and made an attempt to cover himself with his hands.

“Your room?! This is my room!” What are you doing in my room?!” You responded in his same surprised tone.

He looked around and his eyes widened. “Oh…Oh! I’m very sorry! It was so dark outside and I didn’t see where I was going, or climbing… well it doesn’t matter-“ he started rambling and muttering things until you stopped him.

“You’re Spider-Man?” He stopped talking and looked at you.

“Uh… well I guess there’s no point in denying it.” He scratched the back of his head but he winced at this.

“Are you okay?” You walked closer to him. “You’re all bruised and your lip is bleeding…”

“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m okay.” He smiled awkwardly.

“Let me go get my first aid kit.” You left your room and went to get the kit and some ice cubes. When you entered your room you saw Kai sitting in your bed.

“Oh I’m sorry, I don’t know if it’s okay if I sit here…” he chuckled nervously and stood up.

“It’s okay, you can sit. You seem really tired.” You sat besides him and opened your kit and took out some bandages and stuff to clean his wounds.

“Yeah, it was a long night.” You nodded and started to clean the dry blood from his face. His eyes went shut when you brushed an open cut on his cheek, and he winced in pain.

“I’m sorry!” He muttered a small “it’s okay” and you continued to help him. You were in silence but it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. After a few minutes you finished. “There. Just continue putting ice in your head so it doesn’t hurt too much.” You smiled and he nodded.

“You didn’t have to, you know?” He said holding the ice package on the side of his head.

“I know, but take as payback for helping me study.” He smiled and nodded.

“Thanks…” both of you stayed quiet while you put everything back in the kit.

“I’ll get you some water.” You stood up and went to the kitchen to get him a glass of water.

When you returned to your room you saw Kai with your cat on his lap, he was stroking his head gently while your cat purred.

“Seems like he likes you.” He chuckled and looked at you.

“I guess, not many cats are fond of me, but yours seem to like me.” He gave you a smile and you sat next to him.

“He’s an introvert, he usually hides when there’s people here.” You said and you handed him the glass of water and he gladly accepted it.

“I thought you were going to be more surprised about… you know.” He said after he took a sip of water.

“Well yeah i was surprised, but I was more worried about how bruised you were.” You chuckled. His cheeks turned into a soft shade of pink.

“Thank you yn…” he said and you smiled. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Sure, what is it?” You turned to face him.

“Please don’t tell anyone about it, I don’t know what would happen if everyone finds out I uh, am Spider-Man…” he sighed.

“Yeah, don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” You smiled at him and he returned the smile.

“I guess I should get going, we have school tomorrow.” You nodded and he stood up leaving your cat on your bed.

“Yeah, you should get some rest.” You stood up and he opened your window. “You’re going out the window? Don’t you prefer using the door?” You said with a puzzled expression.

“Oh, um you’re right.” He awkwardly said and closed the window. You led him to your door and opened it.

“Well, um I’ll see you tomorrow Kai.” You turned ti face him and he walked outside.

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow yn.” He smiled and waved goodbye. He walked away and you closed the door.

You went back to your room and smiled to yourself.

“What the he’ll just happened?” You asked yourself. After a while you went to bed and fell asleep.

The days went by and every other day Kai would enter “accidentally” to your room, with the same excuse of mistaking your apartment with his. But he really wanted to see you. He wanted you to clean his wounds and spend time with you. He started spending more time with you at night, and it turned into an every day thing.

One day you woke up due to the sun rays peering through your window, you got out of bed to close the blinds but you realized there was something outside your window.

There was a spider web covering part of your window. You would normally get scared and start looking if there was a spider, but this spider web was different. It had a heart shape.

“Is that even possible?” You asked yourself.

“Could it have been Kai?”

[doiefy]

nct 127 as cursed college profs

very partially based on stupid shit i've had the pleasure and misfortune of seeing in my own classes. happy finals season girlies </3 i rise from my casket of inactivity to bring you the shit post i wrote on the subway on the way to an exam. whose class do you think you'd survive?

cw: cynical college humour because i'm coping, adult humour

taeil: not even that old, but barely knows how to use technology. spends the first 15 minutes of lectures trying to figure out zoom, then the rest of the time poorly explaining quantum mechanics from a textbook written 20 years ago. trips down the stairs two days into the semester and goes on medical leave, only to be spotted on vacation a week later. no one even gives him shit for it.

johnny: originally the cool, chill prof who occasionally went out for drinks with his classes, until he realized he was cool and tried to get even more hip with the kids. now he uses bad memes in his slides and films tiktoks in his lab. the number of students who ask to get drinks with him significantly boosts his ego, but no one tells him they’re doing it just to cross “drinking with a prof” off the frosh bingo card.

taeyong: the sweetest, loveliest, kindest soul you will ever meet—except he’s only taught twice in his life, just got put in as a replacement for a prof who tripped down the stairs, and gives you the most god-awful final exam known to man. he’s also stressed out (on your behalf) at any given moment, to the point where he just passes everyone with an 80 and calls it a day.

yuta: the hip, fashionable prof who only serves looks and random commentaries on society in the middle of his lectures. undergrads fight to the death to join his research group, but the ones who make it eventually realize he spends most of his time partying with the department’s money. yet still, groundbreaking work comes out of his lab every year…

doyoung: retired from research a few years ago to teach full time, but not a single person knows why. he may offer the clearest, live-saving explanations in his lectures—but he constantly looks like he wants to go home and will decimate your entire existence with a single look if you ask anything about the syllabus two weeks into the semester.

jaehyun: the hot single prof. every single freshman girlie has a sickening, concerning, fanfic-esque crush on him. some go as far as nearly failing his class and then booking office hours with him before finals, only to find out that he’s been using Doyoung’s teaching material for years, without credit. he is very much horrendous at teaching on his own. and very much gay.

jungwoo: wanted to go into early childhood education, somehow got coerced into doing his masters, then his phd, then post doc, then— still fulfills his dreams by treating his students like kindergarteners. this includes gentle parenting of frat boys who won’t shut the fuck up during class, handing out healthy vegan treats, and encouraging “mindful moments” while you write the hardest exam he has ever administered.

mark: refuses to teach because he doesn’t think any of the kids will take him seriously, is forced to anyways by the department. as a prodigy so fucking removed from what it’s like to be stupid, he ends all his quantum lectures with “this is pretty straightforward,” and books it back to his lab on an electric skateboard. yes he built it himself. no he won't let you try and ride it.

haechan: shares an office with mark and spends most of his free time figuring out which organic compounds he can mix together to perfectly recreate the texture and smell of cum. if he doesn’t show up to class, it’s because he’s terrorizing pigeons on the street for science. shows gruesome videos of explosions and chemical fires for a chemical safety lecture. has had the fire alarm pulled on him at least twice.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: April 8, 2024 🎀

Monday was a decently good day for me. Me and my boyfriend had to sort out some stuff after arguing Sunday night but everything is good now, work had went amazing, and I got a lot done. I know everyone hates Mondays but I genuinely look forward to them.

🩷 What I Accomplished:

assigned reading quiz for psyc

chemistry homework

chemistry extended lab report (finally got my notebook back)

2 medical terminology lectures

medical terminology flashcards

medical terminology self + timed test

meeting with a financial aid advisor

submitted my application for a 2nd job on campus

prepped myself amazing at work

studied Spanish

made a study plan for chemistry for the rest of the semester

🩷 Good Things That Happened:

got to see my dad for a short bit

work went super good and I finished very quickly

got to zoom call my boyfriend and it went well

started the first episode of Parasyte The Grey on Netflix and in already hooked

got my lab notebook back from my friend

was able to leave my study room early due to lack of stuff to do

have more space in my room now cause my dad took a bunch of stuff I needed to get rid of

drank half a gallon of water total (I never drink that mih even tho realistically I need more water then that daily)

🩷 What Could've Gone Better:

ate too much and didn't eat the healthiest, but that's okay because everyday is a new day and a new chance to make some good choices

could've spent more time the past weeks looking at the stuff for my lab report so I would've gotten more right

got my chem exam back and I don't think I did as well as I hoped, but the professor hasn't posted grades yet so idk

realized I definitely need to study chemistry more then I thought

So, Monday was definitely a good day overall. I was surprised by how well work went and how everything felt but not mad about it at all! I love having good days! Let's hope Tuesdays just as good <3

btw, check out my depop shop if you get the chance, will be uploading more stuff soon!

til next time lovelies 🩷

💕 Song of The Day:

ILLIT -- Magnetic

When I say this song has been on repeat....I mean it's been on REPEAT. such a catchy song, I love the Kpop genre so much <3333

[partyanimal167]

Something is Up- Law x F!Reader

Hello fantastic people! I finally got hit with which prompt I could use for my Spy Event with Law. It's been awhile since I wrote his character, but the complexity of it as well as his knack for planning lends itself to this one. I hope you enjoy, and please feel free to check out the event list for any request you want to send my way.

✒️ A Not-So Secret Identity- Law x F!Reader

cw: sfw, fluff, witty/silly reader, author knows nothing about medical school

There was just something that was...off about him. You had a gut feeling about the situation, but you weren't sure if you were just sleep-deprived or actually right.

You stared at the stacks of papers you had just finished grading for your professor, and you nibbled on your pen as you held the last one. This particular student was just...different.

It was difficult to grasp the range and terminology of human anatomy and biology, but there was just an odd way about how this guy--Law--got things wrong on his tests and mistakes in his papers.

You had watched him in class. He looked to be around your age and didn't stand out too much. He didn't answer questions often--not trying to show off or brag about near-perfect scores like his classmates did. He sat near the back off towards the side. He took notes during the professor's lecture, but even the way he moved and followed along felt so calculated.

You had spoken with him a few times--gave him props for citing a recent medical journal with untraditional authors of women and military doctors. He only nodded and mumbled in response, but it had you thinking. You didn't know how he accessed that journal since it wasn't part of the school's main databases. You shrugged it off.

But then you realized that there were some inconsistencies with the information he seemed to retain and what he definitely knew. There was just a confident, knowing presence about him that you made you curious.

You marked up the paper in your hand, and just for funsies found a folder with old papers from earlier in the semester. You found Law's and skimmed over the marking notes which confirmed your suspicions. In the more recent paper, there were some errors and misuse of terminology relating to muscle fatigue and lactic acid. However, in the paper before, Law went into great detail about lactic acid accumulation and how it relates to muscle usage. It just wasn't something that the man would get mixed up or forget about weeks later. Of course, your professor had fifty other things to worry about and only wanted you to put in grades, but it got you thinking.

~~~

Law wasn't sure whether or not he was thankful to be seeing the traditional process of becoming a doctor (compared to his fast-track government training) or if he wanted to shoot himself. This wasn't the worse undercover job he could have, but at the same time, maybe it was just a bit too fitting to have him there.

Progress was being made though. There was plenty of evidence of money laundering as well as some hidden human research being facilitated by the university on public volunteers. Most of this was being handled by only a couple of staff members and a too-wealthy alum as the head. However, Law needed to see if there were any other cracks he could find on the campus. So he thought it was great when his TA reached out to go over some study material. He could finally confirm whether or not that anatomy professor was in on this.

Law thought he was so lucky.

Law is never so lucky.

He gawk at your smiling face and bubbling vibes as you beamed while taking a sip of your coffee. "What did you say?"

You giggled as if he asked the silliest question ever. "I want to help you with your investigation." you replied.

Law blinked dumbly. Yes he did hear that correctly, but there was no reason to panic yet. He had a cover to keep. He tilted his head and tapped his notebook--trying to seem nervous yet confused. "I- I don't know what you're even talking about... So um-,"

"Your actual name is Trafalgar Water D. Law; you came to this country when you were a child. There's some murky details about where you're from, but you were in a private, recluse school--which I'm assuming is some crazy classified government thing. Your specialty is in cardiology and have been a part of some public-funded studies." you seemingly announce your findings with a proud air.

We need to hire her. Law didn't know what to say. He hadn't planned a protocol for if his cover was blown because there was no reason it would--he thought. He blended in well-enough, and most research doctors weren't making public appearances. He avoided a lot of attention despite his findings because of his work affiliation. It was easier for people to assume he was some rich brat.

More silence. "Should I keep going? Your residential address is 54-,"

"Okay, okay, enough." Law let out a sigh and closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't want to push with how much you knew, but there wasn't a sure way to quiet you yet. He had to see if you were a threat. "First of all, what made you even think to question me?"

You shrugged as you finished off your drink. "The differences in your papers just didn't make sense. At first, I thought you paid someone off to write it for you, but I never see you hanging out with anyone. Then when I looked up some of the contributors from your resources, I came across a peer review you did with that same doctor. I must say I do enjoy your work." You laughed awkwardly.

Law wasn't sure what to say. You were smart; that's for sure. But you were just too giddy about your findings for it to seem like you were...bad. He would run a background check just to be sure later, but he had to handle this first. "I- okay thank you. But listen, this isn't something you can just tagalong in. There's a lot at stake."

"Awww, but Law," you whined and pouted.

"I commend you really, but a lengthy Google search isn't enough to-,"

"The school's medical supplier is on it too. They sometimes bring in real pills instead of the practice sugar ones which spread to others." you added on.

Okay, I did not know that. Law wasn't totally convinced. "And why do you know that? Why would I even trust you?" he argued.

"I was cleaning up a practice lab and saw a bottle. I didn't think anything of it until I googled the name and nothing came up--not even a trial. I didn't think about it too much but now..." there was a lot of hope in your eyes. "So can I help?"

Law only looked back at you slightly annoyed and conflicted. "No." then you hit him with the puppy eyes, and Law knew he needed back up on the situation. "Okay, look. Let's get you in and take a couple statements. We're going now."

You shrieked happily. "Ooo, going to HQ? Will I get a visitor's badge? You should totally let me see some of things you're working on. One of the ideas for dissertation is-,"

Law listened to you ramble on as he walked you guys out the building and through the parking lot. He had a solid plan laid out, and somehow, he was now dealing with you in the mix. You were an uncontrollable variable, and he had a feeling that he was going to be dealing with you more than he prepared for.

~~~

The reader kinda reminds me of Luffy lol. It's just fun to be silly. Also, this is a little reference to joke of how women need to be in the FBI because of how much information that can get. The dots were connecting for sure.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to check some other works out or shook me a message.

Bye~

[the-cookie-of-doom]

for a while now, I've really been doubting my career choices with nursing. I know a lot of it is burn out and depression, and being so overwhelmed between work, school, and clinical, that I didn't have time to breathe. I was in the hospital/on campus for 60 hours a week last semester, and that's not counting the time I had to study outside of that. It was awful. I quit my job because of it, I was almost involuntarily committed because of it.

But the scariest part for me has been how much I've hated clinical. It makes me miserable. And that's terrifying, because once I graduate? That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. So if I already hate it now, what does that mean for my future?

Sometimes, though... Sometimes I'll have a clinical that is just so good, it reminds me of why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the pain and suffering of becoming a nurse, which is honestly one of the hardest careers a person can have. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. It destroys your body and your mental health. Most of the time it's thankless. It doesn't pay nearly enough for what we go through.

Despite all of the reasons there are not to become a nurse, there are some patients that will remind you why it's all worth it anyway.

Last week, I had a crotchety old bitch of a patient. She had been in the hospital for 10 days, was refusing all of her treatments, screamed at anyone that came in her room, and demanded dilaudid around the clock, despite having no injuries to justify it. Everyone hated her. Her own nurses went in her room as little as possible; I think in the entire 12 hours I was there, her nurse spent maybe a total of 20 minutes in her room. I was in there for hours. A couple minutes at a time in the beginning just so she could warm up to me. Then I spent 2 straight hours at her bedside just talking to her. Letting her tell me her life story. Which was tragic, of course, and no wonder she was so run down and bitter and wanted to get high off narcotics. She was miserable, lonely, and in chronic pain from a body that was deteriorating around her.

So I spent as much time with her as possible. Sure enough, she didn't ask me for any pain medications a single time, once she realized she could trust I was going to look after her. I Explained her medications and her treatments, and the reasoning behind them. I offered to reach out to out chaplain when I noticed she was hyper focused on some televangical broadcast. I got her to call her son to come visit her. I got her to agree to take her medications and allow us to take blood sample for her labs, which were days overdue. I got her up and working with physical therapy so she could start walking again.

By the end of the day, that patient loved me. Not a single complaint all day, she wasn't screaming down the halls and cursing everyone's existence. She was still crotchety and mean in that way old hillbillies are, but she wasn't angry. She wasn't lashing out. She was finally being cooperative. All because I took the time to talk to her and offer her company.

Tonight, I had a shift in our mental health unit. There was a patient who I noticed was very withdrawn and avoiding everyone, mostly just standing in a corner at the end of the hall, by a window. I went down and talked to him. Kind of stilted at first, but slowly he opened up to me. I really only meant to talk for a few minutes, mostly for my own sake, to get used to interacting with mental health patients like this.

Instead, we talked for hours. Nearly 3 hours straight at the start of the day alone, and then more throughout the day. My feet were killing me by the end of it, but it was completely worth it to see the way this poor guy came to life. We talked about everything from social topics like music and movies, to his medications and treatments, and how to manage his depression once he leaves. Something I was able to connect with him about on a personal level in a way his nurse hadn't, because I've been living with depression for a decade, I've been on antidepressants, and I understand. I think that was the point it clicked for him, when he really started reaching out to me, instead of answering when I prompted him. Because humans need connection and understanding.

By the end of the day he was talking freely and smiling nearly non-stop. We'd made plans for him to get back into an old hobby he hadn't touched in years, and he seemed genuinely excited to start it back up again. He was nearly bouncing in place when I went to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and thanked me for talking to him all day. Even the staff nurses noticed the way his demeanor had completely changed.

Another patient (my actual patient for the night) started the day very combative. To the point she had to be redirected to her room (not locked up, just strongly encouraged to go and cool down). She was screaming at everyone, having some very serious and severe delusions. Same story; I talked to her throughout the day, little bits whenever she was feeling calm. I noticed she had a tattoo from an old semi-niche XBox game I used to play, and we bonded over that. By the end of the shift she loved me. Kept asking me if I'd gotten lunch/dinner, made sure all the other patients on the unit got their snacks, told us all to get some rest once it was curfew for the unit (we had to stay another 2 hours) and said we could use the spare bed in her room if we needed. Which sounds really weird but coming from her was incredibly sweet. Again, total attitude change.

I am very cognizant of the fact that the way I approach my patient care is largely a privilege of still being a student. It's easy for me to stand at a patient's bedside for 2 hours straight and listen to her life story when I have nothing better to do, let alone 3 other patients to take care of. But that nurse didn't talk to her at all. Even when she was in the room, she dismissed everything the patient said. The mental health nurses? Most of their time is spent in the nursing station gossiping and messing on their phones. There's no reason for them not to put in the extra effort of spending time with their patients. And especially there, it can have such an impact.

All of that is to say, I love the relationships I'm able to build with my patients. It's so important for me to be able to connect with people like this, to make them feel seen and cared for and important. No one wants to be treated like an inconvenience, especially not while they're in the hospital, sick and hurt and exhausted and in pain.

Nights like these are why I'm going into this field. I love medicine and I always knew I would end up in the hospital, I've always wanted to be able to save someone's life. But I think now that I've grown up and I'm actually working with these patients, I've come to see not only how rewarding it is to save someone's life, but to nurture that life, too.

[strugglinguist]

I've had a realization, and I need to share it before I forget it. We need some context first, though.

My therapist and I talked at length about how to navigate the start of the new semester in the best way possible for me in terms of the change in routine, sensory issues, mobility needs, etc. She wanted me try to be proactive rather than reactive to the situations that arise. (She's a very good therapist.)

Sorry this is a long one. Click for more I guess...

For example, I have a heart condition called Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia (IST). Along with what I like to think of as a medical license to be inappropriate at any time, it means that my heart will race for no reason. Sometimes it's postural like POTS, so I can stand up too fast... but I can also just... feel like I'm sprinting when I'm sitting very calmly. Imagine you sprinted on and off all day. You'd be exhausted at the end of the day, too! With meds now, it's a lot better than it was... so it's more like... I'm jogging throughout the day? The analogy has gotten away from me. 🤷‍♀️

Whenever my heart races, I get really hot and break out in sweat from everywhere. This would just be annoying, but I am REALLY REALLY heat-sensitive. It is one of the top 3 ways I will go into an Autistic meltdown. So my heart races, I get hot and sweaty, and then I can't focus on anything else. It doesn't take long for the situation to get out of hand. I know this, so I have a little desk fan I take with me to classes if I need moving air. This is when my therapist BLEW MY MIND! (She really is a very good therapist.)

She told me that the accommodations I had allowed for myself (sitting while teaching and a fan if I need it) would not avoid a meltdown because they are things you do to maintain equilibrium... if I'm already overstimulation, I don't need maintenance. I need to shock my nervous system back into maintenance. She said, "When you're overstimulated like that, you don't need a fan. You need ice." And like... yes duh! So I got one of those face rollers people use for their skin routine, and it was my "shock" to take with me. And it works AMAZINGLY. Seriously. Life changed.

After all of our prep, this week was a true gauntlet of a test. What was supposed to be a one day adventure of helping the roommate buy a car turned into a 7 day marathon of phone calls, discoveries, learning way too much about the state of car insurance in this country, and then finally getting everything in order for the DMV to close for a holiday weekend. It was also the first week of classes, so I was returning to my job that very loudly rejected me this summer. It's hopefully my last year in academia, so I'm feeling every emotion. Oh and my dad was in the hospital for an amputation. Basically... it was ripe for meltdowns basically every day. And let me tell you... not a one. This summer I've been having a meltdown about once a week. I can't... this therapist deserves all of the money.

Now for my realization! (Remember that was where we started?) I realized that in the past when I knew I was overstimulated and couldn't promptly exit the situation, I would try to dissociate and go to a happy cold place. Somehow, I had subconsciously bought into the idea that Autistic sensory needs are mental needs... and they are quite literally physical, nervous system needs. And when you treat them as such, and don't try to "just push through" the very real physical situation you are in that you are sensitive to... life gets exponentially better. Seriously. My life is so much better. I just needed to share. 😊

[askpokeeosin]

Has this been killed and subsumed by Ask Quarantined Redheart?

Okay, I do feel like this does need to be addressed. The short answer is not quite but Ask Poke Eosin specific posts continuing forward are going to require a major change in the blog. Keep reading for the very long, probably rambling answer.

When I started the blog, I was on my holiday break after my first semester of my first year of medical school. My mental health wasn't quite in the toilet but it was getting pretty close. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was struggling to get my studying flow down while still maintaining my hobbies, especially drawing. Couple that with getting depressed/burned out right at the end of that semester while binging Firestarter Spitfire/The Sunjackers and the decision to make this ask blog came about mid-ish December 2022. So I have this blog to thank a lot for helping to make my drawing hobby more consistent.

Now comes the part where I have to take an honest look at what I meant for it to be and where I'm at now. The original intent of the blog was to be this sort of educational blog about the current state of evidence based medicine and stuff that happens/happened to me during medical school, training, and onwards. That second part is the biggest problem. Poke is essentially me, the mod. The "Clinical Quiz" arc from a year or so back is something that happened to me and the way I (mostly) present it is how I tell the story to people in real life. While I doubt any of my colleagues care enough to dig deep for this blog, I still am dancing a little too close to doxing myself with the way the blog is currently.

Perhaps most importantly, I started my third year rotations back in the beginning of August. Pretty much the culmination of all the basic science lectures from the first two years, finally seeing actual patients! I soon realized, though, that I can't present these patients to the masses of the internet, even if they've been redrawn as cute technicolored magical ponies. Not just because of HIPAA issues but just because of the fact that just by going to the doctor and having a medical student like me asking them questions that they'd never answer in any other context. They are vulnerable and I feel like it would be unethical to present them as entertainment. I wouldn't necessarily be against drawing patient presentations but I would seriously need to figure out how to do it without revealing too much.

And finally, perhaps a more selfish reason: I feel like folks like Quarantined Redheart more. The project got its inspiration from a pharmacology lecture about tuberculosis medications during my second year. The fact that TB patients are required to quarantine for at least two months, Rifampin's red/orange body fluid quirk and it causing certain drugs to be metabolized faster, and a third plot point that I won't reveal just yet all came from that lecture. Originally, Quarantined Redheart was supposed to be a side project. The more I worked on it and the more that I fleshed out the plot and its characters, the more I came to love working on it to the point that I'd hesitate to call it a side project anymore. It also gave me the opportunity to say some stuff about the current state of healthcare that I feel like I couldn't do with what is essentially a self insert OC. Seeing that people really do seem to like the story that's being told made turning Quarantined Redheart into the main project a little easier. Is that a great reason to focus one's attentions on a project? Probably not. But it's also the curse of the artist: I draw what I want but the Notes notifications on my dash also lets serotonin stay in the synaptic cleft a little bit longer.

So is Ask Poke Eosin dead? I'm hesitant to say "yes" on that. I think there'll be more shitposts and random educational stuff than any of the full blown patient care stories that I originally thought I'd be doing. But I need to figure that stuff out for sure. Is Ask Poke Eosin dead? Nah. It's just hibernating right now.

[softguarnere]

hi i’d like to request a oneshot! webster x reader and it’s when he gets back and reader has kinda moved on (maybe with skinny? no one writes for him but i love him) and web is all sad and it’s angsty? no rush and it’s okay if you aren’t interested. have a nice day/night

-anon💞

Return to Sender

(Past) David Webster x reader, Skinny Sisk x reader

A/N: Anon, this request has been living rent free in my mind for months 🤌🏼😌 Now that my semester is over and I have free time again, you know it had to be one of the first things I wrote. And you're so right about Skinny needing more content!

(This is written for the fictional depictions from the show - no disrespect to the real life veterans!) Thank you for the request, and I hope you like this 💕🕊️

Warnings: no happy ending, death, mentions of war and injury

In hindsight, Webster wasn’t really sure what he expected to happen when he returned to Easy Company. But based on the pile of letters in his pack that have RETURN TO SENDER in bold letters on the front of them, he probably shouldn’t have dared to get his hopes up.

Where is she? he wants to demand the second that he starts spotting familiar faces in the people around him. Instead, he tries to be polite and cheerful, just like his parents always taught him to be in social settings.

“George Luz!” He greets his nearest Easy Company man as he approaches the truck.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, come on. It’s me! I haven’t been gone that long.”

George says exactly the words that have been nagging in the back of Webster’s mind. “Jesus. Yes you have.”

His own private worries being voiced by someone that he’s happy to see – yet who seems like he couldn’t care less if he ever saw Webster again or not – can’t damper his mood. The joy that overtakes him at spotting familiar faces buoys his mood.

“What’s he in such a good mood for?” Someone asks as Webster passes. He only just catches the reply as he moves out of earshot.

“Won’t be for long.”

They must think that getting out of the hospital and coming back to duty will break him. Because it obviously has affected them. Of course he read the newspaper in the hospital. He knows all about the “Battered Bastards of Bastogne.” That would explain the dour moods that he’s encountered in the handful of minutes since he rejoined Easy. And why so many of the men are so quick to point out that he wasn’t at Bastogne, and to make accusations and assumptions about his stent in the hospital.

It doesn’t explain the letters in his pocket, though.

“So,” Webster finally gets the courage to say. Maybe having delivered the news about the patrol tonight will have wiped away his sins and slights in the eyes of the other Easy men. He may have missed Bastogne, but he’s also just given them helpful information. He should ask now, while Jones and Malarkey deliberate in the corner. “Anyone seen (Y/L/N) around?”

The group of men around the bunk beds freezes. Webster’s own heart stumbles, unable to hold rhythm, like a klutz tripping over its own two feet.

“No one told ya?” Liebgott asks.

RETURN TO SENDER. He tried to tell himself that there was a mistake. He tried to believe that. Not hearing from you and having every letter he sent you returned to him . . . He’s been waiting from letters from someone who isn’t there. And he’s been writing to thin air.

“Oh God,” he breathes. “She’s – she’s gone?”

Heffron snorts. “To you, maybe.”

A few of the others chuckle.

Laughter? When Webster has just realized that the love he’s been waiting for is gone? Disgusting! And you had been their friend, too.

“Jesus, Web. You look like you’ve seen a ghost or somethin’,” Liebgott remarks.

Webster can feel his own face pale at his words.

“Ah, Jesus,” Liebgott scoffs, disgusted. “Is that what you think? That (Y/N) is dead and we’re all sittin’ around laughin’ about it? She’s not just your friend, you know. And she’s the best medic we got.”

Friend. Well, Webster has been thinking of you as more than that. The two of you were on your way there when he got hit in the leg. He heard from you once, right after he was first taken off the line. Then, the paper trail ended – cold, a dead end.

“What’s that look?” Heffron points to Webster’s rosy cheeks. The others lean in to inspect him.

“Oh God,” McClung says. “Were you two - ?”

“No,” Webster admits. “No, we – uh, no. We weren’t.”

“And then you chose the hospital over her, so now you won’t be,” Liebgott says.

Embarrassment sends waves of heat to Webster’s face, no doubt making his cheeks even more pink. “I wouldn’t say that. I haven’t even seen (Y/N) yet. Who can really say, until I talk to her?”

The men around him share glances. The meanings conveyed in their looks are lost on Webster. None of them will look him in the eye. Suddenly he is a young boy again, dragged to some party that his parents are attending, standing amongst his displeasured peers as they cringe at something he’s said or done – some perceived misstep that he didn’t mean to take and that he knows trying to repair will only make worse.

“What?” He asks.

“Webster.” Liebgott huffs a sigh. Of course it’s him, the most blunt and straightforward of them all, who’s willing to tell him. “You were gone so long that (Y/N) moved on.”

. . .

It’s odd, bracing himself to enter a room where he hears laughter. Your laughter; bright and easy, and now real after so many months of him imagining it, trying to remember its melody on long, sleepless nights in his hospital bed.

Luz is firing off quips and that make you giggle before you fire back with some quick remark that makes him throw his head back as he laughs. And as Webster steps around the corner, he can see Skinny by your side, smiling as he watches you.

Adoringly. That might be the word to describe the look on his face. Fondly. Earnestly. Passionately. The antithesis of the expressions that they make when they see him, then register his presence, and what it means: aghast, astonished, and dismayed.

You drop the Hershey Bar you had been passing to Luz as you organize boxes of supplies. “Webster?”

“Hey now!” George chides as he stoops to pick up the chocolate. “Don’t go breaking the precious cargo, or else you can’t help with supplies anymore.” Then he offers Webster a curt nod – the only one who doesn’t look  dumbfounded by the very sight of him. “Hiya, Webster. Looks like you got yourself sorted out.”

Webster nods. He’s talking to Luz, but he can’t take his eyes off you. “Yes. I did.”

“You’re back?” You step away from the supply boxes and towards him, eyebrow quirked in question.

“After all this time. I’m back.” Then, without knowing why, he adds, “Just like old times.”

You step back. Away from him, closer to Skinny. “Yeah. Like old times.”

. . .

It is not like old times at all. That becomes apparent the longer that Webster is reunited with Easy Company – it’s only exacerbated by the patrol.

The mood is low. They’ve lost a man.

You, especially, are dismayed. Across the body from Doc Roe, both medics share a knowing and frustrated look the second that the life drains from Jackson’s body. Even in the dim lighting of the room, Webster can see your familiar features morph into an expression of sadness.

You stand before they remove the body, and storm from the room. He steps forward, but Skinny is faster, and follows you out the door. He will be the one to comfort you, just like he has been these past few months.

. . .

Webster has to be honest with himself: he didn’t lose you because you were never his. As much as he had hoped you might be someday, you had never been more than someone who he had joked around with and who he hoped to make smile. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that his chance to be the one who could do that has passed. He missed his window.

Morale is so low and the war’s end so close that the fraternization policy is only weakly enforced. Jones gives you and Skinny a side eye when he sees you leaning your head on his shoulder the next morning at breakfast, but he says nothing. Winters doesn’t seem to notice that you’re holding hands when he passes.

And Webster? He can learn not to notice it.

Part of him had hoped to run into you while alone, hoped that maybe you would want to talk about what had happened . . . or what had not happened. But the more that he sees you with Skinny, the more he knows that he can’t do it. You’ve found happiness in this volatile and hazardous environment. Who is he to take that from you?

He can look the other way, even with all the ribbing from the other men as they point out what a handsome couple you make – and the smiles from you and Skinny as you try not to act embarrassed from the attention.

The letters with RETURN TO SENDER on them are left behind the next time that Easy moves out. Best not to dwell on the past, he figures.

But as you load the trucks to leave Haguenau, you offer him a nod when you catch each other’s gaze. He returns it and then looks away, careful not to get caught up on nothing the way that gemstones on wedding rings get caught on knit sweaters. You have found your happiness, and he will find his.

In the meantime, though, if every character that he writes resembles you in all of their best qualities, then it is because your charm touched his soul in ways that he – even with his impressive vocabulary – cannot even begin to describe.

[zakubabbles]

Found out last week that my former printmaking professor is retiring and some of the department faculty were throwing a tiny farewell party.

He and his wife, my other professor, helped me out so much during my college career as well as afterwards. I received so much encouragement from them and other professors to go for my MFA. When that was put on hold, they helped me by donating a good chunk in order for me to go to a printmaking residency in 2014.

Immediately after that residency I felt revitalized and capable of anything. So I got a retail job. XD It was so I could save up money to go to other residencies around the world. Anyway, that, and everything else I had planned, didn't work out. I stayed stuck in retail, my morale dropped, depression worsened, self worth plummeted, and shame in being a failure and not living up to my (and in some way, my professors) expectations built up.

I had also intended to gift my professors some of the prints I made from the residency. But laziness (and embarrassment) got the better of me and I kept putting it off. Semester after semester. Year after year.

So after reading he was retiring I realized this was my last chance to probably see him and I had to get those prints ready.

The prints have pretty much been finished since 2014 save for one final touch, sewing into them. Finally got my ass in gear and did that. Ngl, it was difficult considering my hands have been very stiff, swollen, and achy from not having medication available, but I fucking did it.

I got ready and went back to my old university. Very nervous. Driving there didn't help my nerves.

When I arrived, prof was talking with someone but once he caught a glimpse of me standing there he recognized me even with my mask on and greeted me with a hug.

According to him, I look great! XD Better and healthier than I did last time he saw me (i don't btw, I really really don't)!

He saw the portfolio and off we went inside the classroom to see. He seemed happy. He was showing them off to the students who were there and talked about me and my old work to them. He also made us all shake hands and wanted us to exchange info because we're draftspeople. We were all awkward.

Then his wife/ other professor came in and there were more hugs and more talking and praise. Apparently, they've both been showing slides images of my old work to students through out the years which feels nice. All the while I couldn't stop apologizing for being so late. And they kept shushing me about it.

Did see a couple of my old classmates. One, who was an acquaintance and I hadn't thought of since school, said he remembered me/ recognized me because of my eyes.

That was a surprise.

Stepped away for a bit and roamed around the department building. Nostalgia. But it was less painful than the nostalgia from earlier this week. College was a good time. Aside from the bad times anyway XD

Went back to talk a bit again with my professors and then said goodbye.

On my way to the car I decided to walk around the campus for a bit. It's changed so much. The streets are gone. It's a walkable campus now. Pretty.

I still feel crummy about myself and *vaguely gestures everything* but I do feel better that I finally got that big looming overdue project done with and I saw my professors again. Print professor still invited me to go to the studio and use it despite him no longer being there XD

Driving back I kept thinking how I wish I could cry.

I wish I could just break down and grieve everything I couldn't do. I know it sounds so melodramatic, and I suppose it is, but I feel I need it.

Shame I can't.

Anyway.

[maryjanewagner]

No more Exams

I completed my methods exam yesterday, which was the fourth and final exam of this term—well, I decided it would be. Technically, I’m supposed to take the public law exam tomorrow, but I haven’t managed to study for it. After receiving my statistics grade, I went to my favorite restaurant with my boyfriend to celebrate the end of the exam phase.

Despite this, I found it hard to be genuinely happy. Although I felt good about my performance in statistics, I was a bit disappointed with my grade. I received a 2.3, with 1.0 being the best possible grade and 5.0 the worst. I was expecting at least a 1.x, so my result caught me off guard. The exam was so easy that I finished it in just 20 minutes, which made me wonder if I was too confident and should have reviewed my answers more carefully.

Regarding the methods exam, I have a bad feeling about it. To be honest, I didn’t put in much effort because I found the subject quite dull, even though I acknowledge its crucial importance. I struggled to motivate myself to study properly and ended up relying on common sense and a general understanding of scientific methods. I guess we’ll see how that turns out.

My overall average grade is currently 1.93, which leaves me somewhat dissatisfied. I haven’t taken many exams yet, especially considering I’m nearing the end of my second year. However, I realize that criticizing myself harshly won’t help. It’s challenging to let go of these feelings, but I’m trying. I even had a bit of a disagreement with my boyfriend because I was so disheartened and felt he needed to cheer me up more. During our conversation, he said, "self-hatred is a form of self-absorption," and later added, "self-hatred is not really humility." He explained that humility is seeing yourself like others do, acknowledging your fallibility, and forgiving yourself. I hadn’t thought of it that way, and it struck me as very true.

Understanding these concepts is one thing; truly internalizing them and redirecting negative thoughts every time they arise is another. I find myself needing to redirect my thoughts countless times each day. I also need to forgive myself for not taking the public law exam tomorrow. Unfortunately, I can’t officially unregister now, which means skipping it will result in an automatic fail of the first attempt. I’ve done this before with International Relations and statistics. In the case of International Relations last year, I simply extended my holidays and took the exam later. This approach may seem unorthodox, but it’s more of a flex than a clever tactic, as it implies I’m confident I’ll pass on a later attempt. However, with only three attempts allowed and failing the third resulting in automatic expulsion, it’s a risky strategy.

Since law exams are a source of anxiety for me, I previously backed out that exam last semester without officially unregistering. If I do the same now, I’ll have only one attempt left, and failing it would mean I can’t continue my studies. I’ve never even taken a regular law exam, so I have no experience to gauge my chances of passing. I believe that with enough study and practice, I should be able to pass, but the pressure of it being my last chance adds immense stress. I often find myself thinking, "Why do I do this to myself?" It feels so unnecessary. I’ve never failed an exam I’ve attempted; my failures have been due to not showing up.

My only option now is to visit my doctor tomorrow morning and get an official medical excuse for not attending. However, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of lying to him. It feels humiliating and only adds to my disappointment. Perhaps my issues, including procrastination and panic attacks, might have a medical basis—maybe even depression. I could explain my panic attacks to him and stress that I can’t afford to miss this second attempt.

I’ll need a lot of courage to see the doctor tomorrow morning. I know he’s understanding, but I still feel too ashamed. Sometimes, I can only face my fears when I’m in an altered state of mind, such as being intoxicated or sleep-deprived. This is obviously unhealthy. If I don’t sleep tonight, I might be reckless or bold enough to go to the doctor in the morning.

I hope that someday I’ll look back on these struggles with a sense of humor and view them as part of a phase I’ve overcome. If I ever become a lecturer, I’d like to be empathetic towards students going through similar challenges, hoping this is just a phase that I’ll move beyond.

What keeps me going is the fact that the exams are over. I’ve made progress this semester compared to the last, and my summer will involve working, saving money, reading, writing three papers, and focusing on these goals. I also had the idea of reaching out to researchers for a spontaneous summer research internship, which might seem a bit ambitious for a bachelor’s student with limited research experience. But I’m eager to be part of an academic project, and if job applications haven’t worked out recently, this could be a chance to make it happen

[littlepuppylee]

Update On My Life:

Hi everyone!

I know it's been a while since I've been active, a lot has been going on in my life recently, and my recently I mean the past year. Just a warning, I do talk about just like anxiety, depression, and dealing with trauma and thoughts of sewer slide.

First, I would just like to thank you guys for being patient with me and my absence. I know I don't have a large following, but I still have people on here who I would chat with occasionally. I haven't been doing well since July of 2023. To sum everything up, I had jumped from relationship to relationship, got cheated on in one, had a fwb relationship for the first time and got my heart broken, and was uhhhh not well mentally lmao. Sorry I'm avoiding trauma dumping. But hey I finally lost my virginity, so that's something.

So for me, whenever I've been in relationships, I kind of neglect my NSFW Tumblr blogs mainly because I don't want my partners finding them and either 1. finding out some kinks that I'm not ready to share, or 2. presume that I am cheating on them or being unfaithful.

I'm also in therapy and I should be starting some anti-anxiety medication that should also help with depression. Yay, Zoloft. Oh yeah! Officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder - not surprised since it runs in my family- and Atypical Depression - I didn't fit the entire criteria for Major Depressive Disorder since my depressive episodes aren't long enough, which also runs in my family - as well as some symptoms relating to PTSD - I don't fit the entire criteria for PTSD I think; I just remember being diagnosed with Acute Stress Disorder. I'll talk to my therapist about that for clarification.

Also, don't be like me and jump from relationship to relationship as a way to distract yourself from the negative feelings from the past one. 1. That just isn't fair to the other person if they are not aware of this, and 2. You need to give yourself time to heal. I never gave that to myself because I thought I was fine. I thought I was better, but my therapist helped me realize that no, I am not better. She had said to me that just because I feel better, that doesn't mean I am actually better, and when she asked me for my thoughts on what she had just said, I realized that I haven't been better for a while. I haven't been better for a long time, which became more obvious when I opened up to her about a traumatic event that happened when I was 12-13 and hadn't talked about in years.

I ended my most recent relationship because I realized that I was in fact not okay and not over my trauma, and the levels of anxiety and feelings of apathy from depressive episodes that I was feeling was affecting my relationship. It was a good relationship, but I probably shouldn't have been in a relationship to begin with at the time considering 1. my grandfather died and that was a bit traumatic to witness, 2. I had just gotten my heart heavily broken, and 3. uhhhh mental health got SUPER bad :] Thoughts of sewer slide, but I'm hanging in!

Alright! Let's get onto the positive stuff! Besides that, the second semester of my second year of college is going super well academically speaking. It's the end of the semester right now, finals are coming up very soon, and I have 2 B's and the rest are A's as of this moment. All I have left now are mostly papers, 2 official finals, and a presentation. I'm also an aunt now! Not too fond of kids myself, but my nephew is the exception lmao, he's pretty cool for a newborn. I've also been reading a book right now called 'Tiny Traumas' to hopefully help me identify some areas in my life that could've contributed to the way I think, act, and feel, and how to move forward. I also finally get to start working, so making some money will be nice. Putting off relationships for a while and focusing on making money and bettering myself

What have I learned? Well, I can't have sex without developing feelings - found that out the hard way, I genuinely DID go through a traumatic experience and I had been downplaying it for years because nothing physical happened, don't trust Gemini men, don't date a 23 year old at 19, DON'T TAKE HIM BACK AFTER HE CHEATS EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY EMOTIONALLY CHEATING, and I cannot do a polyamorous relationship. Scratch that, what I actually learned was that I was a unicorn lmao. At least it makes a good funny story to tell.

So I'm mostly making all of this known to hopefully help feel someone less alone, especially on the NSFW side of Tumblr, as well as to just vent a bit while avoiding trauma dumping. This is also just to help show where I've been and how I'm doing. Besides that, I should be back for good, and I hope you guys are doing well :)

[abstractlesbian]

hi noah would u like to do the 5 songs/10 followers music ask game!!!

Yes please I need a break from my finals thank you 🙏🏻

Been listening to this one constantly since with came out 2 weeks ago , been really fun listening to/singing

"If you think I'm stupid now, you should see me when I'm high

And I'm smarter than I look, I'm the dumbest girl alive"

While working thru my last few weeks of college

Recently realized I've just been listening to Francis Cabrel albums from the 70s thru 2004 my whole life and I should probably check if he's still alive (he is) and if he's made any music since then (he has) and if it's good (it is!!) . Really nostalgic artist for me and this song in particular is called songs for Jacques, which was my paternal grandpa's name and this album came out the same month and year he died so it's been comforting to listen to

I don't have a story for this one, showed up in my Spotify discover weekly at the start of the semester and I've been listening to it all winter

Been visiting my parents a lot this past month which means I'm hearing my dad's new album constantly. Still really proud of the cover art I made 🥰 and I love this one! my sister and I are trying to encourage my dad to use horns in his music more and I'm going to try to slowly trick him into making ska music

Speaking of ska, my fiancée has slowly been turning me into a ska fan and I can't stop listening to Kill Lincoln. couldn't pick between these two songs

Bonus:

The trombone player from We Are The Union posts fun ska covers on their YouTube

Ok I have to get back to my medical/science research final so instead of sending an ask to 10 ppl I'm going to tag some

@sapphoid @tinymush @beetlemage @pokemondubstep @officecyborg @cannabiscomrade @librarycards @celestial-uran @glowythings & anyone else who wants to do this

[ros3ybabe]

Weekly Check In - November 12th, 2023 🎀

ugh I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blogs, and that’s not what I want to be doing!!!

I have finals coming up so soon, including exams and final papers (looking at you, psychology research paper). Not to mention I’m still working 5 days a week, classes 4 days a week, working out 3-5 days a week on top of all my adulting duties. It’s safe to safe I have been a little stressed lately, no doubt about that. It really got me bad because it was impacting my relationship with my boyfriend and the last thing I want to do is cause unnecessary stress and anxiety for him. I know I let my stress and anxieties get the best of me when I realized I was the one causing 98% of all of our arguments and issues this last few weeks. Luckily I was able to come to the realization that it had been my fault, so him and I talked it through and worked it out and I missed him that I would work both on myself more as well as work with my therapist and develop better coping strategies for times of high stress.

🩷 let’s recap this last week with some highlights! And then I will tal about my goals for the upcoming week!

I had to go talk to my PSYC TA about how far I’d fallen behind in the class and she was able to give me some encouragement and a lot of help and really set me on the path in the right direction, so I definitely have hope that I’ll pass this class with a B at worst, which is still an awesome grade!

I finally made it back to my cooking class and the professor was so kind, he told me it always upset his days when I’d miss class for the week and he asked me if was doing okay and how things were going. I think he’s in his 50s or 60s, and he’s just a very kind man, reminds me of my own dad. Has that typical old man dad humor and his cooking class has actually help me become more comfortable with my own cooking skills as of this semester. Definitely one of my favorite classes, and my classmates were the best too.

I registered for the next semester and I am sooo looking forward to the course load. Well, for the most part anyways. I have to retake Chemistry 2 as well as the lab but luckily the college offers a supplemental type of course to help with the actual class so that’s gonna be awesome. I’m also taking a sports medicine focused medical terminology course online, another once a week food focused course about food production, a psychology of emotion course (super super excited for this class), and I registered for a yoga class for the semester! I feel like having yoga twice a week will definitely help with stress and relaxation and just overall keep me on the right track health wise for the semester! I think I’m taking a total of almost 18 credit hours but other yoga class itself is 2 credits so it’s definitely gonna be an easier semester at least schedule and course load wise.

My work bestie had her baby shower! I can’t believe she’s 8 months pregnant with a little boy, he’s already so lucky to have her and her man as parents. She was absolutely glowing at her baby shower and I’m so happy that I got to go and support her. I’ve known her for going on three years already so it made my day to both be invited and get to see how excited she got when I went.

I bought matcha powder! (Amongst other health stuff, including some new gym gear for my lower body days) I have a mini traditional matcha set so I thought I’d finally use it no bought some matcha powder online! I’m super excited to try my hand at making myself matcha lattes. I even bought a milk frother so I’m a little excited.

I changed up my fitness goals and routine a bit. I’m still going to the gym 3 days a week for weight lifting, but now two of those are lower body days and the other is an upper body day. I’m also going to continue with my two days of cardio but on those two days I am also going to do some at home mat Pilates to help with my overall fitness, appearance, and health goals. I’ve heard that some lower intensity workouts are pretty good for women with PCOS so I thought incorporating that would be a good idea.

I’m Vitamin D deficient and I had no idea! I used to take vitamin D supplements at my old doctors request when I was a teenager but I stopped when I can rot college because I was no longer being advised to take it nor were my blood levels being check regularly so I figured ehh not a big deal but I recently got lab work done and yep, I am semi severely vitamin d deficient. So now I gotta look into different foods I can incorporate as well as a vitamin d supplement and more time in the sun!

I’ve been keeping up a decent skincare routine with a bunch of new products I bought and can I just say, the Anua Heartleaf Oil Cleanser is an absolute god send. I’m obsessed with Asian/Korean skincare. It’s done so much for my skin, I can’t recommend it enough!

overall, not a bad week this last week. this recap is for only (mainly) November 4th through yesterday, November 11th.

🩷 my upcoming goals and things for this week! (November 12th thru 18th)

Keep up with all my homework and turning assignments in completed and on time. I’m trying to finish the semester off strong, or at least as strong as I can. That just means it’s grind time and I gotta buckle down and get my school stuff done.

Insurance. I need to purchase insurance because the state I live in says I make too much to qualify for full coverage insurance which is an issue with the meds I take and the doctors I currently see, as well as my therapist. Adulting, yay!

Complete at least a draft and/or reel for my dietetics mentor by Saturday/next Sunday as the deadline was to have something sent to her by Monday at noon. So my goal is to have some drafts of content for her as soon as possible.

Work out at least three days this week. I’ve been consistent with going every week for the last four weeks but I haven’t been as consistent with how many days within the week that I’ve been going. So that’s definitely a goal of mine.

Look into a Pilates class/studio I can join by the beginning of next semester. I definitely want to take some classes to help with form and proper technique, but I think I want to give myself some time to build more confidence so that way I can give it my all in the future classes I take. Plus, my finances don’t exactly permit me taking Pilates classes at the moment. So my goal is to do some research now and then make a decision by mid January.

My boyfriend and I are hitting a year and a half together this week! Ahh I love him so much, I’m so excited for yet another milestone. Pretty soon we’ll be coming up on two years and I just couldn’t be happier. My man is my best friend, I’m so lucky and grateful that I have him in my life, especially as my partner <3

Attempt to make a matcha latte! My matcha powder comes in this week so I’m gonna try my hand at making my own matcha now!

Keep consistent with my skin care and self care. Also pick up journaling again this week as I think it’ll help me sort out my stressors and anxieties without harming my relationship with my man or my relationship with myself. Self care and working on my own well being benefit me in so many ways, I just need to keep consistent with it.

Restart my Duolingo and Busuu streaks as an attempt to get back into learning the Japanese language! Also begin to pick up Spanish again! Spanish is not too difficult for me to understand as a lot of people I’m around speak the language and I also took classes in high school and some in college. So I think splitting my time between Spanish and Japanese will be good and keep me from being bored and dropping my language studies altogether. I’m going to start with Spanish Duolingo and just go from there with it! once I get more comfortable with the languages I will start making small posts in those languages! Spanish will definitely come easier than Japanese tho, that’s for sure.

that’s all for this upcoming week! It feels like it’s going to be busy but next week is our break for thanksgiving so that’s one week of rest and relaxation and recovery for me. I won’t be spending the holiday with anyone but I don’t mind, it gives me a day to be mindful and grateful and just give me some time to myself that day, and for the whole week. Everyone who knows me in person knows I definitely need the time for myself. I think it’ll be very restorative for sure.

for those of you who follow my side blogs for my fitness, I’ll be posting to it here soon as well! I think I might update you on my current split and routine more in depth then what I mentioned here. And I’m going to drop a review of some of the new skincare products I’ve recently bought and tried as well! I’ll try to do a mid week update this week on this blog too!

til next time, lovelies 🩷🤍