#I think I’m bad at the whole sustained effort on a big task over a long period of time

[exopelagic]

i will not panic abt my exams

[aerial-aspie]

An Autistic Point of View 2

Hi there! It's Hazel and I'm first going to talk about what it's like to me to be autistic.

So for me I got diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 14 and it has helped me understand a lot of my traits, which now I can articulate to you.

I'm obsessive and I mean very obsessive, once I find something I really really like it's all the occupies my brain day and night, everyday and sometimes to the point where I can't focus because all I want to think about is my obsession. A few examples of this was Vocaloid, BTS/K-pop and right now Genshin Impact.

During lessons, I struggled to stay 100% focused at all times because my brain always likes to drift off into dream land and I have to make a big mental effort to reign myself back into reality. This problem affect me when I used to take Chemistry (it was far too hard for my pea brain anyway) and the moment my brain switched off, BOOM! I'd missed a ton of information, even if it was only for 10 seconds.

However, now, after changing subjects and finding the right ones for me, I'm finding it much easier to control my need to daydream and can focus much better.

Next, I am forgetful. Imagine a sieve but only the unimportant information (normally to do with what I'm obsessing over) stays and everything else falls through, no matter how important it is to me. I hurt my knuckles over lockdown learning and needed to ice them frequently and it was very important, however, 2 seconds after remembering I needed to do that, you guessed it! I forgot about it.

Forgetfulness is hard, especially when at school because I need to drill my theory into my brain so hard because I will forget so easily. As well as at school, I have my phone and Alexa full of reminders to tell me to simple tasks such as to update this blog or to practice my piano or else I'd forget.

Lets throw in a weird one now. To be honest even I have no clue if this is an autistic trait but it's certainly something that affects me. When studying or reading I can't listen to any music with English lyrics. Why? Because I focus on the lyrics and draw myself into them and then struggle to concentrate when working because I can understand what's being sung. So my playlists involve game soundtracks, a few screamo bands (you can't understand what they're saying anyways) and Asian pop.

One thing that was said through my diagnosis is that it's possible I could have anxiety for life and as of writing this I'm currently trying to get therapy or medication for it.

Anxiety is isolating, it's painful with its physical side effects (which manifest in chest pains for me), it gives unneeded stress over problems which to others seem minor, it gives me panic attacks which range in severity, it gives a fear embarrassment, of messing up, of standing out, of being DIFFERENT.

Everything about myself I scrutinise, I'm trying to give up chocolate because it gives me so much extra stress that I believe it's unhealthy for myself. I must present myself in a way where I don't seem rude or impolite as I'm scared of how everyone will react. If I get into an argument or something I believe is an argument, I beat myself up about it and I feel like I hurt everyone around me.

I believe I'm a constant annoyance, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with I'm a chatterbox and you can't shut me up. But it makes me self conscious, am I talking too much? Is everyone just being friendly out of obligation? Are they all secretly annoyed at me? Are questions I ask myself daily and blame myself at some points for not being normal.

My brain sticks to the past and words echo my mind for sometimes years giving me fears that others would even know of. Such as the lessons about heart disease in biology always play in my mind to the point I want to give up chocolate because it's giving me so much stress as my brain is like OH MY GOD YOU ATE CHOCOLATE NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE! And then I get stressed and get chest pains which only further add to it.

Now we got the heavy topic out the way lets move on! Autism has led me to have a fine motor coordination disability which has affect me my whole life, I can't handwrite well, I struggle opening tins, peeling vegetables, unlocking the door to get in my house, using scissors, folding things and the list goes on (and let me tell you it's long).

But you get the gist, I struggle with a lot of things and it can take me a much longer amount of time to work out things than someone normal.

I'm also extremely disorganised, actually that's a lie. I'm extremely organised but it doesn't look it. My room is a mess and I know that but I could tell you where everything is in seconds because it's what I call 'an organised mess'. I organise things but it's not neat, it's just where my brain decides is a good place to put things.

My school bag is so organised to point I don't like people touch it because I know where everything is and it has to be in the same pockets or else I'll get upset because it just has to be there and that is something no one can change.

However, even though I'm on that point of organisation, I still get stressed about if I have forgotten anything even though I never have.

Part of my autism is physical traits too, I am born with weak muscles in many places, the ones I know of so far are my wrists, knees, eyes and lower back. Because of this I can't handwrite long essays and have to have computer support to help me with this problem. With other areas, it's places I know I need to be careful when training at circus because I discovered my weak back after crucifix rolls on a cloudswing went wrong (it's a type of error that will always happen when learning this move) and I locked up my spine, from then on I've never done that move ever again.

Whilst being quite extroverted (only around people I'm comfortable with, if not I'm extremely shy) I'm actually very sensitive to things. I can't be touched suddenly or at my waist or I will flinch or flail and let me tell you, as I martial artist I do hit extremely hard in reflex. I also am sensitive to loud noises when I'm not expecting it, such as seeing war horse the stage show where the sounds of gun shots and explosions were played so loud that I had a panic attack in the theatre. However, at concerts, I'm fine as I'm expecting this loud noise and I know what is coming.

A weird thing I find about myself is that I'm very contrasting, I'm highly emotional but don't understand emotion. My first emotional response to any emotion is to cry and yes it is extremely embarrassing to cry in front of others (I believe crying in public should be normalised not shamed). Yet I can't understand emotion such as when people are sad, I don't realise it and happily talk to them and then feel like they hate me because they ignore me and then beat myself up for not realising they're sad when they tell me so. But it's not just sadness, being talked to in a firm voice, to me means they're angry when they're not, criticism means everything I've done is stupid and you get the point.

However, not only do I not understand emotion normally, I actually at times can't feel it, I get excited before a concert but when it starts I feel nothing, everything I feel just disappears and my mind is blank, so I actually have to force myself to be happy and then my brain realises I'm happy and I don't have to put in effort to sustain an emotion.

Now last but not least (remember how I said I was forgetful, it's already come into play here that I can't even remember if I've covered everything about my Asperger's) I can't do instructions, if I'm given a list of items I need to take, a long list of instructions to follow with no physical copy to reference by the time the last instruction has been said, I've already forgotten the first one and this has been fatal when I've ended up with really bad sunburn because I forgot to bring sun cream because the list I was given was too long to remember.

And that's it folks, my autism is a nutshell that's probably missing some stuff but it's as much as I can tell you from the top of my head and if I remember more stuff I'll make sure to post it.

Thanks for following!

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER PRE-GAME 9/30/2020: 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE/CONFESSIONAL (2019)

Spoiler alert. Or whatever. It’s not going to matter, you don’t care.

So, I've been away for a minute. Just about any reason to be away from Tumblr is probably a good reason, but I have an especially good one. I'm finally working on a "real" writing project, which demands, and deserves, all of my attention. My social media abstinence isn't just a matter of time management, though. Once I had a long term obligation on my plate, I became very aware of how the short term satisfaction I get from posting mindless rants was eating away at the fuel I have available for sustained efforts. When I wind myself up with a 500-1000 word blog post, it generates a lot of electricity, but I blow it all as soon as I experience the catharsis of posting it, and I'm further pacified by ego-stroking likes and reblogs. Not to sound like a sanctimonious luddite--I mean, I'm still here, after all!--but it turns out that the staying focused on the long haul has been surprisingly revivifying. In fact, I haven't been talking about my big fancy project for the same reason; I don't want to lose any of the juice I've been storing up by wasting it on the shallow pleasure of describing it. Also such things should probably be somewhat confidential until they're approaching the publishing stage, but I digress! There is an actual reason I'm saying all this, that has more to do with this blog.

(Don’t get all excited, I’m not doing EVIL ED right now, I just need a relatable image.)

As I got deeper into my experience of "real" film writing, I started to reflect on the meaning of my personal writing. Like, the point of it. I tend to write in a sweaty, compulsive, sadomasochistic haze, in which I'm sometimes hyperbolically generous, and sometimes--perhaps more often, unfortunately--as nasty as humanly possible. Sometimes the movies deserve it, when they're lazy, pretentious, or otherwise demonstrate an open contempt for the audience aka ME. Often, though, I'm just creating an opportunity to vent my generalized rage and frustration. That can be very entertaining for myself and (hopefully) my teensy-but-devoted readership, but lately I've asked myself whether there isn't some negative tradeoff for all this amusement. In this phase of my life, it's reasonable to assume I'll make more and more friends and acquaintances who create things I don't always care for, but I don't necessarily think they deserve to be abused for it. As much as I have a right to say whatever I want, technically, I'd be embarrassed if I were caught just jacking myself off by making fun of their work in public. And more to the point, I don't necessarily want to contribute to the growing atmosphere in which people feel more afraid to try and fail, because the public so commonly misidentifies sarcasm and mean-spiritedness as intelligence and superiority, and that form of petty darkness spreads across the internet a lot faster than a movie can reach a wider audience. After all, I'm in the process of potentially turning myself into one of those well-meaning failures right now. I could stand to be a little more deliberate about how I speak, and about what, in general.

My father is an art critic, and once in an extra petulant moment, teenage-me asked him in an accusative tone what he thought the point of his profession was. He replied calmly that he wouldn't publish any comment that he didn't think the artist could make use of somehow. I don't know if he always stuck to that policy, but the thought sure stuck with me.

So anyway, over the last few months I've been giving myself a bit of an attitude adjustment, through a combination of personal reflection, and hard work on something meaningful/not for the internet. I've been feeling all proud of myself and shit, but today reminded me that any path to enlightenment is always marked by setbacks, doubt, and temptation. For today, in complete innocence (or at least a melange of innocence and ignorance, as I very much invite this type of problem), I managed to watch TWO (2) movies about an academic film-cum-psychology project, focused on a gang of college buddies who inevitably reveal what bad people they are under the unique conditions of the project, and then the project turns out to be run NOT by its presumed-dead originator, but by the originator's even-crazier lover. It's amazing how particular something can be, and still be utterly obvious and cliche. In my defense, I really tried to turn the second movie off, because it was...just instantly terrible, but the seed of suspicion had taken root--is this randomly selected movie ACTUALLY EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE PREVIOUS MOVIE?--and I just had to find out if this could be true. I suffered, deliberately, for another hour and a half, to confirm my awful hunch. I don't know how I would have felt if I had turned out to be wrong (better? worse?), but I don't have to worry about that now. Now I just have to worry about my overpowering impulse to be as ugly as possible about what I have personally subjected myself to.

(The completely deceptive poster for our not at all witchy or eerie opening feature.) 

In need of a passable time-waster this afternoon, I put on 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE. Released in March of 2019, Caitlin Koller's claustrophobic black comedy feels oddly like a product of 2020. A group of estranged, middle-aged college pals of the BIG CHILL ilk--which one of the characters calls out, out loud, just so ya know--come together for a fallen comrade's funeral, only to find themselves trapped in his widow's increasingly creepy cabin in the woods. Said comrade was driven to suicide by the failure of a psychological experiment he conducted that plunged its subject into madness, and if you don't realize right away that the obnoxious and unstable cast are the new subjects of their not-quite-dead friend's renewed project, then you're firing a lot slower than 24 frames per second. The dialog is often decent, aiding a handful of funny, natural performances...but it's hard to forget that you're just waiting for the conspicuously crazy widow to reveal that the "unexplained events" in and around the cabin are part of a controlled attempt to get the guests to devolve into their worst selves, which isn't such a difficult task considering the undesirable state they all arrive in.

It just made me ask myself, what was the point of this? Why do people make movies that are entirely predicated on the shock of the twist, knowing that if the twist isn't so shocking--or is baldly obvious from the start--then the whole experience just falls apart? Why not hedge your bets with a little more depth, or purpose, or style, or really anything more reliable than a smug attempt to prove that your script is smarter than your audience? Even if you do manage to pull off this dubious accomplishment, it reduces your movie to something like the experience of having somebody jump out of a closet and scream in your ear to "get" you. I've always felt concerned that if somebody ever tries to "get" me like that, I might just automatically punch them in the face. But anyway, whatever shred of good will this movie could have accrued with its plucky performances is blown away by the final insult, when the cops arrive to clean up the inevitable bloody mess. The responding officers are hilariously unimpressed and unsurprised by the byzantine scheme that has resulted in a shocking act of violence, because the cabin's "guest book", which our heroes all filled out, was actually the signatory page of a complicated waiver form granting full permission to the hosts to, like, do whatever the hell they want to everybody. Presumably this shit just goes on all the time, leading the local law to shrug off anything that happens to or because of the dumbassed lab rats who frequent the cabin? I dunno. I mean, what can I say? ACAB, I guess!

At the time, I managed to resist the urge to take to the internet and decry the crimes of this lame-o party joke. I really don't like the sensation that a movie is just trying to trick me into thinking something that isn't true. But, this isn't, like, an affront to cinema. People make annoying, below average movies all the time, and maybe you kinda have to, if you eventually want to make better movies. I imagine myself in the shoes of the people who actually put some elbow grease into this production, having to wade through the rantings of internet ghouls like myself while they're trying to see how their efforts are paying off. Making a movie is probably a lot harder than I think it is.

But that's part of the point I'm heading toward. I'm always amazed by people's willingness to pour huge amounts of energy and capital into something to which there is ultimately very little point. I mean, I have bad, unoriginal, boring ideas every single day of my life. But I almost never DO any of them. I have a hard enough time convincing myself to just get out of bed in the morning, let alone devote blood, sweat, and money to deliver unto the world material evidence of my personal mediocrity. I can't imagine thinking it would be worth it, for myself or the unfortunate people who are subjected to my project, to actually execute on my bad ideas. I'm being judgmental, but honestly, I don't even know if my attitude makes me better or worse than someone who accomplishes the task of completing and selling a movie that's mainly a waste of time. Movies are so complicated, and realizing them requires the consensus of so many people, that it's sort of incredible that there are people capable of making one that doesn't have a powerfully compelling motivation behind it. People who are able to do such a thing obviously have something that I don't, and it isn't just "consideration for the audience."

So, I could probably stand to be more forgiving--or just, less eager to absolutely flay someone alive on my dumb little blog because they so opened themselves up to my arsenal of elaborate insults. But like...not all the time. Sometimes, a movie really fucking asks for it, and in revealing itself to me, it has effectively signed a waiver giving me patent freedom to do whatever I want to it. CONFESSIONAL is the latest movie to give me such a gift. After the final credit rolled in 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE, I looked for a little palate cleanser. As little as I like movies that put their single egg in the motheaten basket of a "shocking twist", I also have a problem with what I identify as canned theater. Not that I think all movies have to be lavish productions, but I think they should try to do something that is natively cinematic. It's very rare that I'm impressed by anything that is literally all talk. So, I went in search of some more familiar form of trash to help me recallibrate, and trash is definitely what I got.

(Me crying over my own bad decisions.)

To be fair, I kind of should have known that I was in for a challenging experience. The 2019 found footage thriller CONFESSIONAL is more or less based on the "confessional" part of sleazy reality TV shows, isolating each cast member in a soundproof stall so they can spill the rotten contents of their guts. Unfortunately, I spotted a review suggesting that the movie succeeded, against all odds, at remaining visually dynamic despite the unchanging scenery, and I was intrigued. The reviewer was correct, impressively; the monotony of the coffin-like environment with its dark foam walls was the least of my concerns. Other problems superseded that threat, immediately. The plot concerns a group of college pals who come together to remember a recently deceased friend--a filmmaker who expired mysteriously while completing a psychology-tinged project in which she recorded all of her friends' most shameful personal secrets. Now, somebody else has taken over the project...someone who "has never been identified", according to an early title card in this movie-within-a-movie (EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON WILL BE EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIED AT THE END OF THE MOVIE SO LIKE WHY), but who seems likely to be the decedent's ex-lover...who continues to expose their subjects' most shameful secrets on film. I mean, what the fuck? Did I somehow manage to pick a second movie with almost the exact same plot??? I couldn't believe it. I didn't know if I could take it. My prospects only got worse when the cast showed up and started talking. I tried to turn the movie off. I backed out and walked away from it, twice. But I couldn't leave it alone. I had to know if it was really the same movie.

CONFESSIONAL concerns characters who are contemporaneously in college, which actually goes a long way to making everything worse. Each of these walking cliches is connected in some way to Amelia, a film student whose mysterious death has created a campus scandal, leaving shattered hearts and lives in its wake. The living have each received a blackmail-flavored invitation to speak about the deceased in a tiny "confessional booth" somewhere on campus, where, predictably, they find themselves locked in until they confess whatever they know about Amelia, and their classmates. I don't know why practically every single movie about young people has to be so miserable, but this is one of those. I assume that it has something to do with the fact that youth is simultaneously so desired and so ignored. People in their teens and early 20s are so sexually coveted, yet so easily dismissed as individuals, that we wind up with all this media that panders to them relentlessly (or at least, panders to the legions of ticket-buying perverts who enjoy watching them prance around), without almost any consideration of how they actually think and act, and look. Movies like FAT GIRL and  WELCOME TO THE DOLL HOUSE may be accused of their own form of pandering, a venal form of voyeuristic schadenfreude, but at least they reflect something of the awkwardness, isolation, and incompleteness of adolescence; something more than the dissociated, pornographic fantasies of adults who have long since forgotten what it was like to be powerless and ignored, or desired by people who don't even like you.

Not that CONFESSIONAL is supposed to be a work of grim realism, but it is most definitely rooted in a fantasy about college life that makes its contrived, message-y plot a lot harder to take. With almost the sole exception of "the nerdy one", every single character looks like a Bratz doll, oozing an exaggerated indecency that belies the movie's pretentious insistence on addressing the sex & gender Issues of the Day. What you get is a really good example of what happens when millennial characters are modeled, not on any actual millennials, but on other forms of marketing that are aimed at millennials, which are themselves just based on other preexisting youth-targeted commercials, et al ad nauseam. Even setting aside the deliriously slutty wardrobe choices, makeup appears to have been laid on with a trowel, coating each actor in a thick creamy layer of spackle that only makes any scars, pits, or other evidence of individuality look utterly bizarre. Accordingly, everybody preens, pouts, and generally behaves as if they're about to take off their clothes, which might be a huge relief given the profusion of chafing, cheapo mesh and straps they're laboring under.

So, ok, not every movie can have a great costume department, but the dialog here is a perfect match for the disastrous aesthetic decisions. Actually, this is the real reason I almost walked out on CONFESSIONAL. If I may ramble briefly, without substantiating any of my broad-ranging claims: Sometime in the late 90s/early 00s, horror cinema seemed to suffer a degenerative slide away from genuine thrills and chills, and into a version of the genre that is best characterized as the Slutty Halloween Costume approach. Any sense of existential dread, revulsion, or bodily vulnerability was widely replaced by a cutesy, Hot Topic-y preference for fast fashion and sex appeal, in which bloodshed more facilitated an informal wet teeshirt contest than any real fear induction. Horror's new mall goth look came with an equally shallow, boring verbal affectation: a sullen, sleazy, tooth-sucking sarcasm, that ushered in a new era in which, instead of making fun of the scummy coked-out dialog in porno movies, we now expect everybody to just talk like that, because it's hot. There's probably a line to be drawn between this unfortunate development, and the boneheaded real-world trend of identifying "sarcasm" as an important personal selling point on dating sites, but I won't try to prove that here. For now, I will just say that as soon as I heard the CONFESSIONAL characters start to speak, with their sneering, insinuating tones, with the vocal fry, with the head wagging, the jutting jaws, the smoldering gazes, the juvenile dragging-out of horny grownup words like de-bauch-er-y...I almost lost my nerve. Listening to these little creeps hissing and spitting for 84 minutes is a lot like being hit on by some barfly who continues to bludgeon you with his hot breath and corny lines without ever noticing that you've thrown up into your pint.

Uh, anyway. So what actually happens in the movie. Why would anyone ever allow someone to record video of them revealing the ugliest, most embarrassing parts of themselves? Especially a kid, for whom popularity and reputation are often a matter of life or death--literally and specifically, in the case of this story. The flimsy reason is that the late filmmaker, Amelia, was the most awesomest girl ever. Everybody loved her, because she was so sweet, and so smart, and so cool, and so nice, and so deep, and so original, and so talented, and so sexy, and just like, the bestest most perfectest girl in the whole wide world. N.B. "The greatest of all time" is, perhaps counter-intuitively, a really bad quality that makes for really shitty, boring characters. For better or worse, Amelia is rarely on screen (and when she is, she's no Laura Palmer, frankly), so it's up to the viewer to just sort of imagine a type of person who could make you act against your best interests on account of you just like them so much. After all, so many of the characters were obsessed with her in some way, that it's like they're here to help you clap your hands and believe in this seductive, compelling part of the movie, that just isn't actually there on the screen. The anonymous antihero behind the confessional booth scheme slowly extracts from each character the selfish, destructive behavior that in some way contributed to the tragic loss of the most amazing person of all time--and part of the result is, if not a very interesting excuse for Amelia's death, then a story so wacky that I really wish they had centered the movie on it, instead of on the tawdry soap opera we're locked into. Even if that imaginary movie had been really bad, and it probably would have been, at it would at least have been entertaining.

Part of what leads up to the death of Amelia is the existence of a secret school fight club, led by a stereotypically sleazy gender studies major, named Major, who is out to prove men's inherent superiority. The club is called CFB, or Cock Fights Back, which is somehow a garbled pun relating to cock fights, and Trump's famous line of "locker room talk": "grab'em by the pussy" > "pussy grabs back" > "cock fights back". CFB is different from your ordinary fight club in that the fights are always between girls and boys, and the boys are always blindfolded, in order to prove that a fully-abled female is no match for even a handicapped male. To complicate things, a new designer amphetamine is gaining popularity on campus, called "odds-on", meaning that it makes you the odds-on favorite in your CFB fight. As awkward as that is, it also seems that men are never the guaranteed winners of these fights, which makes you wonder why Major insists on continuing to host them. As much as I would have preferred to watch a stupid movie about this stupid idea, I'm stuck instead with a movie in which Major is such an aggressive MRA because he's secretly gay, and he thinks that hating women is a great way to hide that...as if that isn't what we all openly suspect about aggro MRAs. Secret gayness is a big part of this movie, involving multiple characters, although it amounts to very little other than the perpetuation of some stale, harmful cliches about how unfulfilled homosexual urges lead to suicide, sexual abuse, and murder. CONFESSIONAL is just as reliant on this grim vision of gay life, as it is on its weirdly obtuse discussion of drug addiction, for the suffocating sense of self-importance that it uses to try to elevate itself above its porn-y trappings. None of the movie's hot button issues are given any real thought, but are only dragged through the mud to create the illusion that there's a point to all this, thus relieving the film of any sense of innocence that could have made its condescending sleaziness forgivable.

Admittedly, I can't really remember all the details of the film's tortured intrigue anymore, even though I basically just saw it. A lot of its meandering revelations just left me thinking, "Why did I need to know that? Why should I care?" I do know that about half way through this ordeal, I became really anxious about whether it would turn out that CONFESSIONAL did NOT have exactly the same plot as 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE after all, and I put myself through all this for nothing. But no, I was right to begin with. The wonderful Amelia's ethically dubious film project has been picked up by the unhinged lesbian character who loved her so much she wanted to become her, and killing Amelia and usurping her confessional project was apparently the best way of doing that. I guess exposing all the dark, violent secrets of all these tangentially involved characters was just an added bonus, or whatever. Ultimately, this ugly, ignorant PSA about something-or-other only deals itself further damage by relying so heavily on the potential of its clumsy twist to blow your mind, which it does not at all.

So that was it, that's how I burned a whole afternoon allowing my mind to implode-not-explode under the ponderous force of TWO (2) movies about exactly the same exhausted cliche that is still being peddled by certain pretentious assholes as fresh and exciting, and beyond the capacity of the audience to anticipate. There's probably a whole slew of other movies that employ this overly familiar "surprise", but I don't have it in me to dig them out of my long-suffering brain. Feel free to contribute in the comments. For now, I must prepare myself for the ordeal of Blogtober, during which I will *hopefully* choose my screening selections and words more thoughtfully than I have in previous years, when this blog was motivated by just as much abject misanthropy as these movies, which do nothing but willfully insult the audience's intelligence. Maybe today's detour into degradation will help me go forth toward more additive experiences, having purged several lungfuls of meaningless venom from my system, and this season will bring with it more interesting, provocative posts than the last. Or maybe not! In any case, I promise to keep trying my hardest to make it funny.

PS I actually love both FAT GIRL and WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE. I’m “just saying”. 

[douchebagbrainwaves]

UNDERSTANDING YOUR USERS IS PART OF WHAT HIGHER-LEVEL LANGUAGES, AND TWO ARE STILL UNIQUE TO LISP

I'm not criticizing Steve and Alexis. Good hackers insist on control. Overloading, for example, have been around 7-10x.1 Hard to say exactly, but wherever it is, but the fear of missing out. I couldn't talk to them. Over time, the default language, embodied in a succession of popular languages, has gradually evolved toward Lisp. There will of course come a point where there is just too much to keep in your head in order to conceive of the program, and so on. A complex macro may have to save many times its own length to be justified.

If you're not threatening, you're probably not doing anything new, except the names and places, in most news about things going wrong. Economically, this is a sign of an underlying lack of resourcefulness. So being cheap is almost interchangeable with iterating rapidly. And when you look at what they're doing on that computer, you'll find the most general truths. There are plenty of other areas that are just as valuable as positive ones. The most tempting format for stupid comments is the supposedly witty put-down, probably because put-downs are the easiest form of humor. Meanwhile, sensing a vacuum in the metaphysical speculation department, the people working on them discover a new kind of organization that combined the efforts of individuals without requiring them to be interchangeable. Within large organizations, the phrase used to describe a market as a degenerate case—as what you get by default when organization isn't possible. But this way of keeping them out is gentler and probably also more effective than overt barriers. But don't wait till you've burned through your last round of funding to start approaching them.

It was presumably many thousands of years between when people first started describing things as hot or cold and when someone asked what is heat? The most important way to not spend money is by not hiring people. And the project starts small because the idea is small at first; he just has some cool hack he wants to try out. Apple's competitors now know better. Is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. If you want ideas for startups, but it didn't help Thinking Machines or Xerox. But hackers can't watch themselves at work. As a little piece of debris, the rational thing for you to do is say one word to them, at least.

Curiously, however, the works they produced continued to attract new readers. It's true that a restaurant with mediocre food can sometimes attract customers through gimmicks. How tech-saturated Silicon Valley is where it is.2 Which usually means that you have to declare the type of every variable, and can't tell one programming language from another, and work well together.3 If you think you're 85% of the way into Lisp, they could probably do it. In art, mediums like embroidery and mosaic work well if you know beforehand what you want. And now Wall Street is collectively kicking itself.4 There is actually some data out there about that. Some may even deliberately stall, because they enjoy it. I didn't realize that when we were raising money. Like a parent saying to a child, I bet you can't clean up your whole room in ten minutes, a good manager can sometimes redefine a problem as a more interesting one.

It won't seem so preposterous in 10,000 years. It's not something you work despite.5 In such situations it's helpful to have working democracies and multiple sovereign countries. It always was cool. Unless their working day ends at the same time as mine, the meeting presumably interrupts theirs, but since they made the appointment it must be, because I read about it in the press all the time.6 Getting money from an investor than an employer. I've learned so much from working on it. The right thing to compare Lisp to is not 1950s hardware, but, say, 1970, I think professionalism was largely a restatement of the first. A better way to get one loaded into your head. We didn't just give canned presentations at trade shows. It wouldn't be a compliment in most organizations to call someone scrappy. Garbage-collection.

So startup culture may not merely be different in the way we do. If that's what's on the other side of the mountain is a nice gradual slope. Bill Gates knows this. Programs composed of expressions. You could conceivably lose half your brain and live. Sometimes when you return to it. If you're the sort of founders about whom we'd say they can take a nap on when they feel tired, instead of dying. This growth rate is a bit uglier. Great programmers are sometimes said to be indifferent to money.

Perhaps only the more thoughtful users care enough to submit and upvote links, so the marginal cost of one random new user approaches zero. If it seems like a daunting task to do philosophy, here's an encouraging thought. And the bigger you are, the less pressure they feel to act smart. It helped us to have Robert Morris, Peter Norvig, Lisa Randall, Emmett Shear, Sergei Tsarev, and Stephen Wolfram for reading drafts of this. The fourth advantage of ramen profitability is a trick for determining which points are the counterintuitive ones: they're the ones I have to keep the sense of being very short, and also did all the legal work of getting us set up as a company with a valuation any lower. If companies want hackers to be productive, they should look at what they do there than how much they get paid for it. Users don't switch from Explorer to Firefox because they want to invest two years in something that is industry best practice actually gets you is not the long but mistaken argument, but the most I've ever been able to write a short comment that's distinguished for the amount of wealth that can be created. For example, the corporate site that says the company makes enterprise content management solutions for business that enable organizations to unify people, content and processes to minimize business risk, accelerate time-to-value and sustain lower total cost of ownership.7 And so while you needed expressions for math to work, and if you get demoralized, don't give up on your dreams.8 Try making your customer service not merely good, but surprisingly good. One of the standard pieces of advice in fiction writing is show, don't tell.

Notes

The CPU weighed 3150 pounds, and b the second wave extends applications across the web have sucked—A Spam Classification Organization Program. Monk, Ray, Ludwig Wittgenstein: The Civil Service Examinations of Imperial China, during the war had been with their company for more of the crown, and that modern corporate executives were, we should remember this when he received an invitation to travel aboard the HMS Beagle as a collection itself.

It would have a precise measure of the court. The kind of bug to find out why investors who say no for introductions to other knowledge. Many people have told me they do on the way and run the programs on the software business, and in a way to predict precisely what would our competitors hate most? Maybe markets will eventually get comfortable with potential acquirers.

Plus ca change. Philosophy is like math's ne'er-do-well brother. MSFT, having sold all my shares earlier this year.

Common Lisp for, but I took so long. Digg is notorious for its shares will inevitably be something you need to learn to acknowledge as well as a result a lot better to get kids into better colleges, I mean efforts to manipulate them. The meanings of these people. You can get it, is that the Internet into situations where a great reputation and they're clearly working fast to get the money, but a big change from what it would be a good problem to have been fooled by the government to take a long thread are rarely seen, when Subject foo degenerates to just foo, what that means is we hope visited mostly by people like them—people who need the money.

Spices are also exempt. There are still, has one booked for them.

4%, and made more that year from stock options than any other company has ever been. Unfortunately the constraint probably has to split hairs that fine about whether a suit would violate the patent pledge, it's because of the company will either be a founder; and with that additional constraint, you usually have to pass so slowly for them, and that modern corporate executives were, they'd be proportionately more effective, leaving the area around city hall a bleak wasteland, but the route to that mystery is that the government had little effect on what you call the market.

In technology, so they had that we should work like casual conversation.

A rolling close usually prevents this. We consciously optimize for this essay talks about the other hand, launching something small and use whatever advantages that brings. That makes some rich people move, and mostly in Perl, and the valuation of the most recent version of this desirable company, but I took so long to send them the final whistle, the apparent misdeeds of corp dev guys should be deprived of their time and became the twin centers from which they don't yet have any of the word that means having type II startups won't get you type I. Good and bad luck.

[shurisneakers]

espresso [4]

Summary: In which your best friend’s brother begins to set you up on dates when you mention that you haven’t been in a relationship in years, but things don’t go as expected.

Warning: swearing, dating, anger issues

A/N: this is my entry for the beautiful @bithors writing challenge!

hey hey big shoutout to @samingtonwilson because every time she betas this and sends me the revised copy im like!!!! a QUEEN!!!! holy shit!!!

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous part- Part 3 || Espresso Masterlist

“No. Fucking. Way.”

“Yes fucking way! Ain’t she beautiful?” Bucky beamed, running his hands gingerly over the door of his new ride. An old muscle car, a sleek black with a few scratches and dents, but proudly glinting in the moonlight.

You let out a low whistle, glancing up at Bucky as you crouched beside the car for a better look. “Gorgeous. She got a name?”

“I was debatin’ Grace, but now I’m thinkin’ she’s more of an April. What do you think?”

You would have teased him, but this was genuinely the happiest you’d seen him in a long time. Alight eyes were crinkled at the corners and his grin was one of the largest you’d ever seen, and heck, you wondered why he couldn’t be like this more often.

“Shits, that’s perfect.”

You sent him a pair of finger-guns when he opened the door for you and he rolled his eyes in feigned exasperation, smile still stretched over his lips.

In an empty threat, he replied, “Say shit one more time in plural and you’re walking there on your own.”

“Well, God forbid a girl has funs,” you joked only to be met with a groan of annoyance. “Oh, calm down.”

Once in the car, you immediately went to set your feet on the dashboard, legs crossed at the ankle, but received a deadly glare. You slowly lowered your feet, never breaking eye contact with him even as your features twisted in playful fear.

As you tugged your seatbelt on, you asked, “When’d you get her?”

“Two days ago. Couldn’t afford the payments on the other one. Sold it to some frat guys ages ago and took whatever was left after payin’ off the bank to get this one.�� He sighed contentedly as he turned the key in the ignition so the engine roared to life. “DMV shit got delayed. She’s probably, like, a third-hand vehicle and needs the upholstery totally ripped up and replaced– but I think she’s pretty great.”

With a soft sound of disagreement, you shook your head. “She’s a ten out of ten, no need for anything. I’m happy for you.”

You tucked your hands behind your head, leaning back into the worn out leather seats which had turned soft over years of use, and a soft sigh of comfort left your lips to prove your point.

“How are your classes going?” he asked after a moment, still smiling softly at your previous statement.

“Getting fingered by Wolverine would be less painful,” you replied casually so Bucky choked and coughed on an inhale. You laughed quietly. “How’s engineering going?”

The indicator made a clicking noise you thought must have sounded less out of tune years ago as he took a left turn. “Shitty. Fuckin’ hate it.”

Eyebrows furrowed, you tilted your head with an agape mouth. “Shitty? Two days ago it was the shit, you said you loved it, that you elected to major in it.”

He gave you a tight-lipped smile and half a shrug and, immediately, you knew something was wrong. While you and Bucky didn’t often discuss your respective career choices and plans for the future, each time you did manage a conversation adjacent, he’d mentioned it was something he’d wanted to do– hell, had he not mentioned it, the number of shitty jokes and puns he made in its reference would have convinced you alone.

“Didn’t want to at first. But Becca advertised wanting to go into journalism all throughout high school and it’s not– it’s not a traditionally lucrative job, at least for the first few years.” He shrugged again, this time in a bit of insecurity, nervousness, but his eyes remained trained on the road. “Figured one of us should be able to embrace that nontraditional job so I picked up something more secure. Something secure because things at home are, you know…”

He had trailed off, but you knew what he meant. Money was a sensitive topic for both, Rebecca and Bucky and, although they could never be ashamed of their family, their pride kept them from asking for help from you despite your continued offering.

“Anyway, she ended up choosing poli-sci for law school for the same reason, so that was pretty ironic,” he grinned and you could see it didn’t reach his eyes, maybe hurting his cheeks as much as it hurt you just to see it.

You remained silent and your teeth wreaked havoc on your lower lip as he continued, “Can’t do anything about it now, though. But, if I could, I’d change my choices in an instant.”

Toying with your fingers in your lap, you asked, “What would you major in instead?”

“I don’t know, it’s kind of stupid really–“

“Didn’t you wanna write?” you added softly, eliciting a look of surprise from him.

He glanced at you quickly. “How’d you know?”

“You were always writing in high school. I saw you with your little notebook every lunch, Bucky,” you laughed, images of an acne-covered Bucky with shoulder-length hair bent over a tiny journal, scribbling for the life of him.

He groaned in embarrassment, a light pink dusting over his cheeks. “I can’t believe you noticed that, Christ. The emo phase was strong.”

“Well, if it helps, I think you’d be a kick-ass writer. I’d be first in line to buy your book. Wouldn’t even sell it on eBay after getting you to sign it.”

He fell silent at that, choosing to bite his lip in place of a response. You’d begun to wonder if you’d said something wrong when he whispered, “Thanks, Mario.”

You didn’t say much more, only turning to look out the window. It wasn’t too long before you heard him chuckle to himself but before you could ask him what he was laughing about, he spoke up, “This is so sad. Alexa, play Despacito.”

You snorted. Fuckin’ dork.

Bucky was leaned against the door of his car as he waited with you until your date for the evening arrived, keeping you engrossed in the utterly ridiculous nonsense you both spoke about.

“I’m just saying, if you made coffee with Gatorade and injected it into your bloodstream, you’re basically God. Like, who the fuck would need heroin then?” you tried explaining for the fifth time, unable to keep the smile off your face. You had your arms crossed over your chest in an effort to keep yourself warm whilst Bucky’s hands were shoved into the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Gatorade is for cowards, we use only Red Bull in this holy house– it actually does something. How about if you mixed vodka, ground espresso beans, and protein powder, then snorted it–”

You clicked your tongue. “Intravenous is more effective–”

“Didn’t realize the offer of a date included you, James.”

In a bit of a laborious task, you looked away from Bucky to the guy who came to a stop before you. Dark hair gelled back and darkness which wasn’t hidden by his glasses surrounding deep hazel eyes, he wore a simple black sweater over a pale blue t-shirt. “But I’m not complaining. Love me some three-way action.”

“Tony,” Bucky sighed, smiling nonetheless. “This is–“

“Mario? I figured.” Tony flashed a quick smile at you.

Immediately you could hear loud sniggering from beside you, making you spin to face him in annoyance. “You have got to stop doing that! What the fuck?” you exclaimed, punching a laughing Bucky on the shoulder as he feebly tried to defend himself.

“My name’s Y/N, not Mario,” you stated to clear the confusion, rolling your eyes at Bucky who burst out laughing again, clearly showing no remorse.

He looked from his watch to you, not fazed by your exchange with Bucky. “Ah, I see. Well, shall we get going? Game’s about to start.”

“See ya later, Mario. Have a good time, guys.” Bucky ruffled your hair as you tried to swat his hand away, taking a step towards Tony as he looked at you with a small smile on his face. “I’ll be on the other side of the court if you need me.”

“D’you want to get some food during halftime or before the first quarter?” Tony asked once Bucky waved a goodbye and jogged to join his friends.

“Halftime sounds good, I think the game’s about to start,” you answered, sending him a half smile.

He only nodded and adjusted his glasses, beckoning for you to join him.

You both made small talk and it turned out he wasn’t nearly half as bad as Peter. He rarely spoke of himself and only mentioned he would be looking for a sustainable source of energy in the future, something about wanting to lessen the environmental burden of current energy dependencies.

It started out well enough, the both of you commenting on the players who you knew. You waved at Sam from your place on the bleachers and he shot you a wink in response

“Sam’s starting tonight and it’s against the Gotham Jokers. S’why Bucky and everyone else is here,” you explained, leaning forward to rest your elbows on your knees.

“Wilson? Number seven? He’s your friend?” Tony asked, squinting at the ball as it was tossed into the air, soon taken by one of the Jokers.

You didn’t bother sparing him a glance as you watched Sam quickly steal the ball back and passing it to Rhodey. “Yeah. Why d’you sound so surprised?”

“Think he’s a bit overrated, that’s all,” Tony mumbled, making you reel back and stare at him disbelievingly. “Got the whole school worshipping the ground he walks on.”

“Captain of the team, MVP last season. He got scholarships to three different prestigious universities, too,” you recited, jumping to your feet as Sam made a shot from the three point line, the ball going in effortlessly with a swish. You looked over your shoulder to raise an eyebrow at Tony, “Still think he’s overrated?”

He only shrugged. “Guess not.”

The next few minutes flew by quickly, Tony progressively getting more invested in the game as it went on. He occasionally let out a cheer when you did, but other than that, he was more observant than anything.

But just as the Jokers were about to pass the ball, Tony jumped to his feet with a scowl, “Double dribble! Double fucking dribble! He stopped! What the fuck, why isn’t anyone calling that out?”

“Tony, he didn’t hold it. There was no double dribble,” you urged as the people surrounding you turned to glare at you both.

“Jesus fuck, this entire crowd is ignorant. Uneducated,” he stated angrily, sitting down in a huff.

You patted him on the back in attempted consolation, but he only ignored you, continuing to glower ahead.

Everything was fine and dandy until the Jokers’ defense pushed one of your team’s players when the referee wasn’t watching. In Tony’s defense, everybody reacted loudly to that. But no one had the passion Tony had when he leapt up like a fucking Jack in the Box, fists thrown in the air. “What the fuck!?” he screamed to no one in particular.

“Yeah, what the fuck!?” you echoed, cupping your hands around your mouth.

“You fucking blind ass, stupid piece of shit, punkass bitch!” he raged, pupils dilated and eyebrows furrowed.

“Okay, never mind.” You promptly sat down, trying to pull Tony with you but he shook you off fervently. You thought he resembled the fucking Tasmanian Devil from Looney Toons.

“That was a foul! Why don’t you use your fucking whistle, you trick ass little bitch?! Try blowing something other than your own dick for once!” he screamed at the referee, shaking his arms around wildly.

“Jesus Christ,” you whispered, putting your head in your hands as he ranted on and on for another ten seconds before finally sitting down, cursing steadily to himself.

When your team made an effortless basket, you prayed it would calm Tony down. And to some extent it did work and he kept quiet until the first quarter was up, only rolling his eyes when people turned to look at him.

Ignoring them from that moment on, he tilted his head as he watched Sam send a wink to a girl who only rolled her eyes playfully in response. “Who’s that?”

“Sam.”

“I know that’s Sam, I’m asking who the girl is.”

“Sam’s girlfriend, Sam,” you replied as you laughed at his expression of confusion.

“Sam has a girlfriend… named Sam?” You nodded as he sighed, smiling despite himself. “Fuck, what would their couple name be?”

“Well, they’re Sam and Sam. Or as I like to call them,” you dropped your voice as he raised an amused eyebrow, “Sam.”

“That’s so fucking creative, how did you ever think of that name?” he asked, a smile on his face that made him look ten times less stressed than he’d been mere moments ago.

You actually didn’t mind Tony at that moment. You might have even considered him to be fun.

That was until the next quarter started and the referee called a foul on Sam for apparently no reason and Tony was back on his feet, face red like one of those ugly Angry Birds. He then started in a shrieking voice, “Oh, so now you want to blow that whistle, you piece of utter shi–“

Tony gave you a ride back to your apartment after the game which had ended much later than you thought it would. You knew Bucky had left after the third quarter when he sent you a text saying he needed to get up early for his shift, but he asked you to call him when you got home safe.

You wondered if he was still awake but, as you’d promised, you called him the moment you crossed the building threshold.

“Hello?” his rasped in an infinitely exhausted voice– you instantly regretted calling him.

“Hey, fuck, sorry. I didn’t think you’d be asleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, get some rest,” you said hurriedly, guilt seeping through your words.

“No, no, it’s fine,” he paused and you could hear him yawn despite the muffling over the line. “Is everything fine, baby?”

“Yeah everything’s– wait, what did you just call me?” you asked as you bit your tongue and your eyebrows shot up in surprise.

The silence you were met with was quickly followed by a string of curses, presumably since he perceived what he’d said. His voice was clearer as he replied, “Shit. Sorry, Mario. It just slipped out. I’m, like, half dead. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah. Just called to talk about the king of anger paralysis, clone of Charlie Sheen, Tasmanian Devil embodiment–”

Bucky cut you off with a sigh. “Tony?”

“Oh, yes. Wanna hear all about my super great time with dear Squidward or should I save it for tomorrow?” you asked as you jogged up the stairs to your apartment.

You could hear rustling on the other end before he yawned once again, saying lightly, “I’m ready. Go on for as long as you want.”

“It all started when he called the referee a ‘fucking blind ass, stupid piece of shit, punkass bitch.’”

Bucky sighed. “Oh, shits.”

PART 5

TAGLISTS ARE CLOSED

[creepyscritches]

So, I think I’m ready to lay my cards on the table. Bad news that I’m turning good with as much strength that I can muster. This got a lot longer than I planned, so I’ve tucked it beneath a readmore.

Last month my new job ran out of enough sustainable work to justify continuing my recent hire and gave me the axe on the last day of my first 90 days. It really shook me up and hit me hard in my professional self esteem to say the least. On top of the panic of losing a steady income at a new job I loved, I also lost my healthcare that same day, which to someone with a progressive autoimmune disease...that’s scary. They didn’t plan this to happen and it was unfortunate all around and left me with glowing references to aid me in my job search. I still see them as a loving group of people, but things happen and life happens.

Aside the shock, I’ve been dealing with a lot of embarrassment and shame that logically I know is unfounded, but that’s just how you react to this kind of stuff sometimes. This is why I’ve been pushing my Ko-fi and the wonderfully kind help all of you have given me has really kept me in a good place emotionally and that’s honestly more valuable than any money sent to me. I have pretty constant self harm and suicidal thoughts that surface multiple times a day for the past 10 years and to actually feel a genuine flood of warmth is just...idk it’s something that always feels unattainable, so when someone gifts me with kindness it’s an out of body sense of gratitude and vitality. Honestly, thank you.

The day I got home after losing my job, I asked for a bunch of requests and being able to connect with all of you and have fun drawing really was a miracle in how calm and reassured I felt. I know a lot of you follow me because you enjoy my funny art and I want to attest that I love making things that you love. Seeing excited comments or tags on my art really warms my heart and I feel a drive to make people smile even when things are dark for me--making happiness for people is my deepest form of self care. I’m glad y’all are here and I’m glad I can make you smile or laugh with my silly sense of humor.

My response to emergencies is usually to become numb and efficient; to be cold, calculating, and logical in an endeavor to resolve issues and tie up loose ends. Usually in situations like this, I only have to maintain this for short bursts like an emergency call or acting as a shield while I extract someone from a toxic environment, but this is more long term and it’s possible to weather me down if I keep focused on just the giant problem of finding a job.

Because of this, I’ve forcibly stepped back and observed the entirety of my circumstances and found that this period of unemployment has given me a real opportunity to address things I’ve shoved to the side out of fear of dealing with them. 

I got my mantra of “Be kind to yourself” tattooed over my left arm’s self harm scars in braille as a physical reminder to myself to treat myself like I am compelled to treat others. I’ve found myself running my fingers over the braille more and more recently and had some deep talks of encouragement with myself to take the first steps and observe what makes me better and to finally open up little by little and ask for help personally--to allow myself to be vulnerable. It’s not scary to be a shoulder for those who need it and to share my experiences with those who come to me for help with self harm, trauma, suicide, and abuse. It’s instinctual to be the warm safety these people need, but it’s personally terrifying for me to put myself in the role of the one asking for help.

I don’t think I’m a rare breed of person at all when it comes to being kind and offering guidance and dispelling fears of judgement, but this idea that when I finally come to someone that I’ll be judged, seen as lesser, and horrifyingly put in the same light I see myself in in someone I love’s eyes halts me in my tracks. It’s crippling mental illness, I know, but an illness is characterized by the fact that it can grip you against your will. Whether your kidneys fail or your legs slowly stop or your mind tells you you’re worthless, it’s out of your willpower’s control and that knowledge is exquisitely maddening and devastating. My fears are results of a diseased vital organ and that’s an immense weight to push past. I can only hope to crawl before I walk and aspire to eventually run, even with musings of how to kill myself later that day fogging up my vision.

I know art makes me happy. I know people smiling from my efforts makes me happy. I know crying with relief despite the walls blocking me from crying makes me happy. I know when people tell me they love me and miss me when I’m gone makes me happy. I want to know what else makes me happy; not just entertained or distracted, but truly warmly saturated with goodness.

Cooking for friends makes me glad I’m here and when my mom excitedly calls me just to hear my voice makes my emotions positively radiant. Having vacuumed carpets, freshly scrubbed bathrooms, and a spotless kitchen brings me joy, but I’ve learned a cluttered mayhem of art supplies and sketches at my work space makes me inspired and encouraged, so I accept some messiness is good for me while I need to remember that I feel great when I muscle through cleaning other aspects of my home. Hiding my shortcomings or misfortunes from people makes my gut feel full of sandpaper, but I’m teaching myself person by person that confiding in loved ones and being vulnerable truly only makes me feel weightless and that things are going to be okay.

I opened up to my mother about how frighteningly severe my mental illness is last week. She knows I’ve struggled with self harm for over a decade and that I have problems with taking leaps, but I’ve kept my scarier symptoms closely guarded from her my entire life. I finally told her that I can’t remember a day I haven’t thought about killing myself, even if I had been having a fun time. I told her that I can’t stop a constant barrage of thoughts that tell me I don’t need to be here, that I’m a waste, a failure, or that I’m just disgusting inside and out. I finally told her how helpless and scared I feel constantly and how I’ve been convinced I’m going to be my own cause of death since I was 10 or 11 years old. I’d never laid myself bare like that and I finally confessed that’s why my countless therapists haven’t been able to help since I couldn’t bring myself to admit the ugliest parts of myself and instinctively protected myself behind a shield of compensating and presenting as a successful determined prized student or career woman instead.

She treated me like I treat others who come to me with the same fears. It felt like a wall shattered and I could see the outside world for the first time. It felt like...I don’t know how to put it...like the world actually did include me in its count and it was faulty logic to think I’d always be the one left out of situations good or bad. She helped me look for some potential therapists and even offered to pay for my appointments, and she acted as a second opinion on possibly exploring the disability route for all this. But most importantly, she didn’t cry or panic like I’d always been afraid of making her do. She was the stability I need and held my hand through decisions and tasks and affirmed that my state is something unbelievably difficult. Idk, she just really made me feel strong when I feel so weak, you know?

I keep looking for things that make me feel happiness even in small amounts where it never was before. This week I discovered that hanging all my wall art makes me feel at home and glad to be awake to see it all. I spent about 30 minutes marveling over my mother’s incredible cross-stitch art that I’ve had in every home I’ve lived in since I was born. My favorite is an enormous jaguar against a black background, slinking from behind foliage, and looking piercingly to the distance behind the edges of the frame. I’ve loved it since I was little and I can’t believe I forgot how much warmth it gives me.

Looking around my home I always think about how much I love cacti, succulents especially, but have never bought any since I can’t keep plants alive to save my life. Sometimes the simplest answers are the last you think of: artificial plants. Even though I don’t have the money to do so now, I’ve been building wishlists of potted cacti, succulents, ivy, and flowers and mentally placing them around my home and I feel happy just imagining that I can have that environment eventually.

While mentally mapping out the plants, I realized I don’t ever hang my own art I love creating. In high school I used to make giant wall pieces but stopped when I moved out on my own, but now I think I’d like to feel the satisfaction of making a big piece and actually displaying it, even if it’s just for me to enjoy. There’s an exhilarating adrenaline rush to realize I can buy some canvases and create the big pieces of lounging felines and animals again and there’s nothing stopping me from spending a small amount of money on some canvas.

This whole time I’ve been looking for work, I’ve been mainly trying to be truly happy. I’m making little steps, but I feel amazing and full of life like those permanently thriving artificial cacti I’ve been fawning over. I’m going to be better, even if I stumble backwards, I’m going to always remember to put my foot back down and take another stride.

Times are rough, but I truthfully feel better than when they were good.

[elfcow]

I will say that the one thing that betrays a writer's lack of research on martial arts isn't inaccuracies in the fights themselves, although that is a big one. No, it's training scenes. Most of these people have never gone to a single self-defense class and it shows.

I'm not saying you need to take a class to be good at writing martial arts although I think everybody should learn self-defense, you just need to do your research - talk to someone you know that's taken a martial arts class, do specific research on the style you're attempting to emulate, and think about where your character is and what kind of training is necessary to your narrative.

If your character is a kid learning a martial art for the first time, do research on how a specific gym or dojo treats kids! I guarantee if you contact an instructor in text or over the phone they will talk your ear off about their teaching philosophy. If your character is a young adult or older who had a big setback and needs to up their training game, the context is different. They already know the basics, but they might find a new mentor, or approach training with a fire they never had before. Check out documentaries on professional sports fighters (MMA, boxing, Muay Thai, etc.) training for a big match and see what their daily training life amounts to.

A couple easy things to avoid:

Abusive training:

- abusive and violent training is dangerous and does not produce self-confident or effective people or fighters. Lots of people will have their villains train their followers with deeply dangerous and abusive methods just to show how evil they are. This isn't always appropriate for the story you're trying to tell! If your villain is incompetent at their stated task of conquering the world or whatever, but is very successful at controlling and belittling the people around them with no regard for their underlings' safety or effectiveness, then this trope makes sense. If you want me to believe that your villain knows what they're doing, maybe not.

- mystical made up bullshit

- Don't be disrespectful to different cultures and martial arts, living or dead, by making shit up. If you want the aesthetic of a culture or a martial art, you better be ready to do real research into that culture and martial art so you can be respectful and not exploitive. If you get a sensitivity reader from that culture or martial art, make sure they're willing and compensated for their valuable efforts!

- Sustainability

Can your character endure the level of training they're going through on a physical level? Can they mentally? When I was training for my first black belt test, I was working out 6 hours a day. I would wake up, swim, eat, sleep, wake up, run or lift, eat, sleep, wake up, train karate, eat, sleep. That was my whole day for months. I was probably barely within the range of nutrition and sleep necessary to sustain that effort, but the toll it took on my mind was awful. I've since learned a healthier balance of life and training, but I was in a bad place mentally for those months. Think about the story you want to tell, and what kind of training your character needs to go through to serve that narrative. What mistakes will they or their instructors make? What character flaws and strengths and developments will shine through? What will the consequences be of their training?

- Tension

To borrow from a beloved blog of mine, (how to fight write), tension is currency and fight scenes are expensive. You might spend half your novel building tension only to blow it in a paragraph-long fight - and that's a good thing. It's the anticipation beforehand and the consequences that come after violence that are the really juicy part of stories.

That being said, it's ok to spend some tension on fun or impactful training montage action. Just remember to have good tension building in your training too. Training helps set up the end of your story - both in a literal sense, where your character might learn a technique or life lesson or mindset that helps them win in the end, and in a narrative sense, where you can build the theme of your story with the hardships your character faces and how they deal with them.

This might seem daunting, but really it's the same as writing about any other topic - do your research, draw on real-life experiences, and most importantly, use your imagination.

I'll always enjoy a story that isn't afraid of rule of cool or clever imaginative ideas in its fighting and training scenes - too much realism can get a little boring! So get some research and knowledge to set your foundation, and then make something wonderful, something that I know only you can imagine!

[iamhowardbrown]

i am greta

I Am Greta "I don't care about being popular. I care about climate justice." Please comment on this quote by Greta. How does it differ from the priorities of many teens? Do you see any irony in how popular Greta has become worldwide? This Quote by Greta is intriguing because she is not looking for empathy for herself, yet empathy for the planet. Many teens today are growing up in a world where narcissism is socially acceptable among all ages. Many people try very hard to share their life views with the world in hopes of some grand recognition or payout. Almost to the point where it is abnormal to not post about your life. In fact to the point that you have no life if your not posting in some sort of way. Many people are falling in to the’ look at me look at me’ ‘look what i can do’ category of life and just desire to be seen. Although this has positive qualities in some instances like during a quarantine, it is the reverse for someone like Greta. Whereas shes saying listen to my words and think about your actions. She has become no more popular than any activist making strides. She just happens to be young. Did you attend the #ClimateStrike just one year ago in Foley Square in NYC? If yes, what was your experience first hand? If you tuned in virtually were you surprised how many people across the world were galvanized by her message? I did not tune in or attend the climate strike. Personally I work every day to reduce my carbon footprint. I also express the same passion to my peers and encourage them to do so. I feel that many of the strikes and protests that are happening around the world are designed for a different audience and have been effective. The youth are often forced to sit by and watch as adults put in the backbreaking gut-wrenching work. It is phenomenal that a young girl not even of voting age can inspire so many to pay more attention to something they should already be doing. I love that people have recognized her worlds and are rallying together in an effort to create a larger voice around climate justice as well as social justice as a whole. Most people don't realize the impact of climate change, or the importance of bees and pollination and these are issues that shouldn't make us uncomfortable yet more curious about how we can live differently together. Greta is doing that by the impact she's having on the youth of the world. Why do you think a girl with Asperger's syndrome has inspired a generation of young people to rise up for climate? It's easy to sit by and watch. Its always harder to get out and do something and i think that Greta is helping people wake up. Particularly when it comes to the current youth generations who are spoiled and lazy. She is classified as having a syndrome yet does not let that define her. There are many youths in standard good health who are slowly realizing that they have no excuse and should be doing more. She is also showing how important it is to apply yourself to what you believe in and is reminding people that if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything. I believe that many youths have been waiting for a superhero/heroin type of figure or an underdog if you will to actually have an impact so they can see that confidence is a state of mind and that coupled with the accessibility of media and narcissistic culture has ushered in a passive-aggressive guilt trip era. Almost to the point your not cool if your not doing something about the issues we face. Its almost as if Greta has made the challenge to everyone to take your pick whether it be climate change or injustice around the world, if your not constantly educating yourself and acting then you may not be as cool as you think you are. Do you think the pandemic has dampened or amplified the climate situation? How can we innovate beyond the limitations imposed by the pandemic to create new strategies for activism? Please provide specific examples. I do feel the pandemic has affected climate change. For a while, there were fewer people traveling, which in turn reduced pollution from the burning of fuels. Factories were closed etc., I would like to think that had some environmental impact although I'm not certain. Additionally, it reduced surface pollution as well because people were managing their garbage from home, and most likely creating less waste globally due to the lack of availability to goods. We shifted online which I believe affected tree farming and paper production, however brief it was id also like to believe this had some impact of some sort. The same goes for water pollution, less people in the water or on beaches should have had some impact even if minuscule. This Pandemic has created a new platform for digital activism. Whereas more people are reading and creating messages that can be seen around the world and taking time to look closely at global issues and personal behavior choices that can have a more positive and efficient impact. "...if a few girls can get headlines all over the world just by not going to school for a few weeks, imagine what we could do together if we wanted to." --Greta Thunberg, 2018  What are your thoughts on this quote? I absolutely agree. There is strength in numbers.  That is a known fact, and that it can be used for good or bad. Women are finally catching the rhythm of social recognition. This is past due, and it has been to often the women who have the most positive impacts are overshadowed by anything you can think of. To that fact the idea of the issue becomes more important than gender I suppose, however, I feel it is also a common thread in social history that not all women get along. I feel that its past time to undo this reality for some and misconceptions for others because it does affect how we get things done. Yes, we must all work together, but an organized group of women young or old can have major impacts on how the world responds to an issue. I think this quite by Greta is important because it points out the fact that we will easily pay attention to something simple like education but not the planet. It is important for girls to go to school especially after such a long history of oppression related to education and all the women that suffered for trying to learn. I also feel the fact of the matter is girls need to stand by one another and lead the world into the next phase problem solving and troubleshooting, and Greta is challenging girls to imagine what that could be and to not be afraid to be more than they are expected to be. Choose one favorite quote from the "Our House is on Fire" speech included in No One is Too Small to Make a Difference and comment. Why do you think this speech inspired so many memes? Find a meme to include on your blog. No one is too small to make a difference. “Greta Thunberg is the Spark but we are the Wildfire.” this quote reminds me of the impact of what's going on now with wildfires in actuality. Then if you couple that with metaphor look how many people's lives have drastically been impacted, look at how bad the air is, look at how widespread the damages are. This idea or metaphor is the level of impact we can have if we work together to start focusing all efforts on saving the planet. It is true government and big oil are a leading cause, but it's only because we allow them to be. We arent striking fuel-based cars, and machines. We aren't limiting our elected officials to those who only have plans to save the world. It is up to us to make the choice to raise our standard for the global quality of living. The rich and the poor will perish all the same if the world goes to shit. There will be no rich if there's no one to do the work that puts them in the high chair, and greed will soon be overshadowed by the desire to sustain basic needs for survival. No one is too big to make a difference either. It's just a matter of making the choice to do something. There were so many memes because we live in a time where humor is interchangeable with sarcasm and naivety. These issues are not funny however if making a joke about it brings awareness and change then maybe it should be welcomed, however, I don't feel that it should be at the expense of someone or something sad. “Greta Thunberg is the spark but we are the wildfire.”--Naomi Klein. Please comment. Has Greta's activism lit a fire inside you? What actions have you been inspired to take? How have your habits changed? I would say Greta has lit a fire in me too when it comes to activism, making me want to get out to some of the protests to take more photography if I ever get a chance to. I am proud of what she's doing and very happy about it. When I was 16 I was a freshman at Parsons and had no interest in activism, yet now, I definitely feel more passionate about climate change and take action every day even with the simplest tasks. I also believe I experience the effects of climate change every day as well. So it's important to me that young people keep making strides, working together, and sharing awareness. Teen Girls are Leading Climate Strikes Helping to Change the Face of Environmentalism

(Washington Post) "“We have a new wave of contention in society that’s being led by women. … And the youth climate movement is leading this generational shift." 46% of girls consider climate issues extremely important compared to 23% of boys. Why do you think this gender disparity exists? Why are girls stepping up to helm the movement? Varshini Prakash is a 26-year-old activist and the co-founder of the Sunrise Movement. They are facilitating conversations with lawmakers like Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senator Diane Feinstein to take the lead on saving the planet and influencing political change that will support this effort. Varshini was exposed to the impacts of climate change at age 11 and by the time she was in college she was already involved in activism. With support from elected officials like Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, she has been able to expand her voice on issues and become an even bigger role model. This is great for influencing other women and young girls to be active and vocal. When you see someone that looks like you doing something and making a difference, that can have a huge impact on the choices you make in some cases. I believe society is getting more in the habit of glorifying heroins across the world and particularly as it relates to social injustice. I believe that this trend of recognition will do the world a lot of good by undoing the warped barbie images that have long been portrayed and used to facilitate control. On the other hand, when it comes to boys it is often the case where there are so many male figures, whether it be in public policy, sports, media, or service, that get recognition for the most minuscule of deeds that it clouds the idea of what should be recognized or what is ‘doing good’, and this has been the case for many years. For instance, men work hard and get dirty, women do the dirty work and stay behind, this has been a reality for many generations. Although much has changed I feel boys are taking a back seat in many cases simply because they are not raised to make noise. Whereas women's voices have been repressed for so long that shouting and speaking out is an understatement. Therefore the call to action is inherent in women of today with more figures in the light and leading the conversation, there is an opportunity to be involved that didn't exist for many years on this level. I also feel that it's important for us to unassign the gender association when it comes to fighting for the planet compared to fighting for national security, they are one and the same. Fighting for the planet has to become a ‘tough guy/gal’ thing, and killing people should/could be viewed as weak. We need each other to persevere and it's only these types of disparities that will hold us back from saving the world.

[andiroo42]

Thoughts on intermittent fasting for weight loss

For the past 3 months now I have been intermittent fasting and have lost around 15lbs (6.8kg). I’d like to share tips, confidence boosters and how to make it as easy for yourself as possible if you’d like to try it too.

About Fasting

The time between your last meal of the day and first one of the next day is considered a fast. That’s why the first meal of the day is called breakfast (btw which doesn’t have to be early in the morning). There are longer versions of fasting that may limit food for longer than 24 hours, but that’s not what I’m discussing here. Intermittent fasting (IF) is extending the length of a daily fast so that more time is spent in a state of ketosis, the body’s process of burning fat for energy. Our bodies will switch over to ketosis after glucose sugars are used up in the blood stream, so less sugar and carbs (which are converted into sugar) means more fat burning potential. IF lengths are noted in 2 numbers: X/Y. X = the length of the fast and Y equals the window you want to eat within. They add up to 24. The following, in my opinion, are the easiest methods for getting started with IF, plus bonus tips!

Fun fact: lb (pound) is an abbreviation for the Latin ‘libra pondo’, or “pound weight”, the English pound. That’s why the constellation libra is a scale.

Level 1: No eating between meals

We naturally convert extra energy into fat to store for later. It’s our body’s default mode, because it never knows when we won’t have access to food in the future. Snacking interrupts the digestion process and tells the body there is more energy coming, so store what is currently going through for later as fat. Snacking, or even eating at inconsistent times, is like trying to study for a test and getting constantly interrupted. You waste time and don’t get any work done. Fasting between meals makes sure the food current in you is adequately digested before eating the next one. Eating a nutritious meal and letting our bodies digest everything in the stomach allows it to get the nutrients we need and then switch over to ketosis. The standard 3 meals a day is around 14/10, 14 hours fasting from say 6pm to 8am with a 10 hour meal window. Generally meals should gradually get smaller as the day goes on. You might try a small 3rd meal in the evening. Fruit and nuts are fine. It’s also a good idea to stop eating 3 to 4 hours before bedtime so a full stomach trying to digest doesn’t keep you up when you’re trying to fall asleep. You especially don’t want to over eat late in the evening when your body is getting ready to sleep. And no midnight snacks! You may want to set meal times so your body knows when to expect food. It’s best to make these decisions ahead of time so that you can more easily say no to bad habits when they present themselves. 

Bonus #1: Cut out sugar

Cutting out sugar found in sweets, breakfast cereals, beverages etc means your body doesn’t have to process it in the first place. Especially avoid high fructose corn syrup, a type of unnatural, super-concentrated sugar that besides being in candy and soda, is used to sweeten many non-dessert items like ketchup, yogurt, cereal bars and juices (read those ingredients!) Some folks are already eating relatively healthy, they just need to make a few adjustments. But I know for others it will be more of struggle as cravings will hit. You may even get headaches as you body adjusts. It could mean low electrolytes. I found water with a pinch of pink Himalayan salt helped. It’s quite similar to a sports drink but without any added sugars or chemicals. Speaking of beverages, cutting out sugar may mean getting rid of soft drinks. If you are drinking sugar soda, this would be the first thing I would recommend to limit and eventually cut out of your diet. How about diet soda? Nope. It’s been linked to increased appetite (sweet foods generally increase appetite), weight gain and obesity. You’ll be glad to save money by switching to water. If you really want something, I like to drink a cup of sugarless black tea before breakfast, some like black coffee. The caffeine suppresses appetite. 

https://usrtk.org/sweeteners/aspartame-weight-gain/

Level 2: Two meals a day

This is my current level. 16/8 fast. 16 hours of fasting might look like 6pm to 10am. For most people this is doable as it’s just a late breakfast and removing a meal. You might do better thinking of it in terms of skipping breakfast because most cereals and breakfast items, at least in the US, are loaded with sugar and the little nutritional value they do have is fortified, that is, added back artificially. When 10am rolls around I’m good and hungry for a big meal. 

Speaking of which, fasting also helps me to be aware of how much I eat. Yes I’ll eat a big meal but I’m more aware of when I’m full. I’ve surprised myself when I had to save some for later. Many have grown up with the idea that we must clear our plates, that food goes to waste otherwise. But truth is that if you overeat you’re gonna feel bad and it’s still gonna go to waste on your body as fat. Save it for later if you’re full and it won’t go to waste. Also, eating 2 meals a day has helped me to be more health conscious. I want those meals to be packed with lots of nutritious vegetables, healthy grains and high quality ingredients. I save money by not buying sweets, soft drinks and junk food.

Bonus #2: Exercise

This should be a no brainer but I mentioned it here because it does take extra time and effort, but that doesn’t have to stop you. The easiest kind for most people is walking. Many health experts recommend a goal of 10,000 steps, which takes about 2 hours, or 100 steps per minute. I usually get in 2-3k just in daily task and split the rest up into 2 walks. But if you aren’t there yet, shoot for 5,000. No? Then go for 3,000. The point is not about reaching someone else’s lofty goal, but setting one that you feel comfortable with. If it’s smaller and obtainable then you’ll get a confidence boost when you do reach it. It’s the same for weight goals. Start off with 5 or 10 lbs and go from there. You may have a vision for the weight range you’d like to be in but keep the realistic in immediate view for now. The best walks are taken outside in fresh air and sunlight. Sunlight also replenishes your vitamin D which is connected to regulating metabolism which means better fat burning!

For those who feel they are ready for it, strength training will help you lose weight faster. The more muscle you build, the more energy it requires and the more fat you’ll burn, even when resting and not exercising. Body weight exercise and calisthenics are great. I would start on the core to get a strong foundation for everything else. There are tons of resource, workout routines and tip videos on YouTube so take a look.

The paper towel roll effect

Taking one paper towel off the roll when it’s new isn’t very noticeable, but when you get down to just a few sheets, removing one becomes a larger percentage of its total. The same thing happens with weight loss. If you need to drop a bunch of weight, a small amount may not seem to make a big difference. But when you get closer to the ideal weight for your height, those smaller amounts will seem to make a bigger difference. If you don’t know the ideal weight for your height, use this tool: https://www.calculator.net/ideal-weight-calculator.html

This will help you figure out a range so you can set a long term vision to keep in mind. It might be a long way off so it doesn’t have to be a precise number, just a range that you would like to be within. 

Level 3: One meal a day

This is for those individuals who really want to focus on losing weight and have the willingness to do so. I hope to be updating this section, but I am less experienced with this level so I recommend talking with those who have done it on https://www.reddit.com/r/intermittentfasting/  Users will often post progress photos with these abbreviations: SW=starting weight, CW=current weight and GW=goal weight.

Hangry?

I’ve learned that it’s ok to be hungry, that being ready to eat is good. Western culture interprets temporary hunger as a bad feeling, that it’s wrong or abusive to feel. Some will actually interpret over fullness as hunger when their stomach is actually tired from being overworked. As long as you are having healthy, nutritious food at your meal(s) then it’s not starvation. One meal is enough to get all your nutrients and you can rely on the ketosis to give the rest of the energy you need.

Bonus #3: Go low carb and count those calories

Our bodies essentially treat carbs as sugars but they take the long way to get there. Simple carbohydrates, found in highly processed foods, are digested quickly and thus turn into fat quicker. Complex carbs are found in unprocessed whole grains, take longer to digest and provide more sustained energy. One thing to try: Take all your unhealthy, simple carbohydrate rich foods out of your cupboards and if you can’t give them away, give them a free trip to the garbage can. I’ve found that cutting out processed carbs like snacks, junky breads, pastries etc automatically cuts the majority of added sugars because sugar and carbs are usually paired together. Limiting one usually significantly limits the other. 

Counting calories is a good way to make sure you are only eating the healthy food you need and avoiding junk food. 2000 calories is what most people need to last throughout the day, but you can limit it to 1500 to speed up the weight loss process. There are great apps like MyFitnessPal that are super easy to use, allow you to scan food packages, can track your weight and have tons of free workout videos. I’ve found that after about 2 weeks of counting calories and streamlining my meal choices, I got a good enough feel for things that I didn’t need to continue to count, but that’s just me. 

Dinner is served

So find what works best for you and stick to it. Consistency is how to tell if something works. Eventually you may plateau as your body gets used to your routine so you will need to switch things up in order to see the same results. The things I’ve mentioned here aren’t about punishing yourself, but can be a form of self care that will last for years to come. Even if you put one of these tips into practice, you’ll be bettering yourself. Seeing the numbers on the scale drop always gives me a confidence boost. I’ve gained more time for other activities because I spend less time in the kitchen, dining room and grocery store. If you can, do it with a friend or someone you care about, it’ll keep you accountable and you’ll have someone to lean on during the difficult days. And be sure to check out https://www.reddit.com/r/intermittentfasting/. It’s encouraging to see user progress reports (some are quite miraculous!), read new tips and have a community that is doing it along with you. Thanks for reading! Stay safe and healthy!

Andrew is a graphic designer currently living in Allentown PA. See his work at 42design.co

[eftb]

What happened to CC? And other thoughts regarding the future of Entertainment for the Braindead.

So... Yesterday my EP “Sun” has been released, not only on Bandcamp, but also Spotify, Deezer, iTunes, all those platforms, and.. well, the CDs are still lost in mail delivery limbo, but they do exist. That’s new, right? I had help from Motor Entertainment, the publisher I am actually contracted to now, and everything feels and sounds a bit less personal than it used to. You will also notice that for now, the songs aren’t CC-licensed anymore. What happened to hand-crafted artwork and painted postcards? To the idea of free music, the netlabel vision, this whole crafty DIY authenticity? Did EFTB join the dark side of power? Everything seems more detatched now... and what? I finally gave in to the GEMA as well?  Well, yes. Sort of. And it’s weird to me, too. Those who have followed me for some time know I've always been very seriously idealistic about the concept of free music, of DIY stuff, of keeping stuff small and  real and non-commercial. It might look a bit like I’m losing my indie-integrity now. It feels like that to me.. But maybe - I hope! - not completely. However, since I started recording songs and crafting CDs, things have changed on so many levels - in my personal life, but also in the music industry, net culture, everything.. So a change seemed necessary and appropriate. 1) Life circumstances and a change of perspective Let’s start with personal life. Ten years ago, when I made Hypersomnia + Hydrophobia and got in touch with the netlabel aaahh records, I was a student, living in my parents’ house in Cologne. No rent to pay, no job eating away on my time schedule, working with the cheapest equipment available – it was easy to make and give away music then. Now adult life has its weird grips on me, full time work and health care bills and a fridge that doesn’t just refill by default: And when I look at my surroundings I see that many friends who have been doing music “on the side” struggle to create enough space for that in the long term. It fades out. When your career lead you elsewhere, when family comes into play,... you have to weigh if you can afford to keep it up, in terms of money, time, focus... I’m afraid that if I don’t make music my “real job” to at least a certain degree, it will become increasingly hard to prioritize it and keep it alive, not allowing it to get buried under piles of other tasks and things to do. The music has been the defining force in my grown-up life so far, everything good that came to me over the last years was somehow rooted there. Thus I don’t want this to become a hobby that always has to stand back behind other tasks and missions. But for that I need it to be at least self-sustaining.  2) Motor as an opportunity // Why not CC this time? Thus the decision to work with Motor. I was being offered a contract that means that yes, it’s about monetizing my music to some degree now (but I managed to protect EFTB from actually being used for commercials), but also getting a bit of a structural backbone and support, and then it also meant that I had to join the GEMA, which I did teeth-gnashingly. Anyhow, they already help me a lot with actually getting the music out there, reaching an audience, dealing with bureaucratic stuff, giving me a loan for CD production, etc. So you see, I don’t love every aspect of this, but if I want to have the pleasant and helpful sides, there’s a certain trade-off, and I’ve decided that since I’ve been given this opportunity out of nowhere, I owe the gods of serendipity to give it a try. The disadvantage: GEMA is working on some non-commercial licensing programs too, but for now it doesn’t go very well with CC, or at least I don’t yet understand how. So my hands are a little tied there at the moment. I genuinely hope stuff will change over time though.

But the advantages: There are two things out of this collaboration that are really precious to me. One is not having to deal with all the logistics of making music, being able to delegate a few draining tasks and therefore having more space for the actual creative part. What a relief! The other thing is wildly underestimated, but it’s as simple as that: Creating a network that pushes you a little, also through creative crisis and self-doubt. You see, I haven’t been releasing anything in a long time. It’s not like I didn’t write or record anything, but as pathetic as it sounds: it needed someone to come along and pat me on the shoulder and go: “No, do this, this is nice!” to get me out of a dark cloud of “who the hell gives a shit anyways” when it came to releasing stuff. I was stuck, two album-length collections of songs rotting on my hard-drive for years. And now here we are! 3) But why not another netlabel release instead? Look around, what happened to the net audio scene? What is your favourite netlabel doing now? 9-10 years back when I started out as a musician, there was a certain hype about the topic. The idea of free access to music – legal! aside from piracy! – was new and netlabels sprouted manyfold, curating hidden music, uncovering gems, becoming a scene of their own. Even mainstream media caught up to it. Where did they go though? Since streaming services came into play, the whole perception of accessing and “owning” music changed once more, most people, especially the young millenial generation, wouldn’t even bother putting up with music piracy anymore because they can access anything anywhere all the time anyways. The convenience-oriented USP of CC-music (as opposed to “commercial” music) towards the consumers dissipated now that everything is equally accessible  - and thus netlabels just more or less disappeared from the digital horizon, or at least drastically decreased in relevance. Correct me if I got this wrong, but at least that’s my impression. Also, as a musician, “Are you on Spotify?” became the new “Are you on Facebook?” – you remember the moment when it became hard to stay in touch with your friends if you didn’t follow the pack into the social web? Yeah, it’s similar now. You’re not on those platforms, people won’t bother looking for you elsewhere. I don’t know, maybe it’s bullshit to follow those trends, but... maybe it’s ok to try to stay visible. And after all, even Creative Commons was never supposed to be a religion, but a concept designated to create a change in perception of music distribution. This change is now happening anyways, whether better or worse, we’ll see (for now: worse, but I don’t want to get into this now) - but thus I guess it’s fair to stray from that path (and maybe come back later if the circumstances allow).

4) And the CDs are professionally produced, does that mean the DIY days are over? Well I sure hope not entirely. But this connects to the first paragraph – spending days on my bedroom floor crafting CD sleeves and putting up with getting my printer not to fuck up the label prints is simply a luxury I can’t afford these days, as life is already too stuffed and the day still only has 24 hours.. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying to add some ideas and details here and there that will make stuff a little bit more personal, doesn’t mean I’ve only been waiting to delegate all the crafty tasks. I did love them, after all. Maybe the priorities have shifted these days, I spend more effort on working out live performance quirks rather than drawing pictures to mail out, but that might just be a phase, too.

--

Bottomline, I think what it comes down to for me: I was presented with this chance to give my musical path a slightly new direction that looks like it could end up being be more productive and sustainable. And while having no idea whether it’s good or bad in the end, I felt like I had to take it, like it would be ungrateful not to take it for the sake of stubborn principles.  At the core, things haven’t even changed all that much. I still record alone in my bedroom with a computer and two mics bought second-hand somewhere, still make the artwork pictures myself. Moving things to a slightly more professional level doesn’t imply that I suddenly strive for the big fame or money or anything fancy – only to find a balance that will allow me to keep doing this. As I said, I don’t even know yet where this is going either. If I haven’t bored you to death at this point with self-indulgent banter.. I’d be happy and grateful if you’d like to stick around with me and find out.

[roseravenkey]

Rider Challenge #10 - Weakness

@thescorpioracesfestival

So now I have no saddle. Sebs hasn’t just taken my saddle; he’s taken my right to race. I won’t stand for this. I’m NOT being pushed around like a child. I’m an adult. He’s not my parent. He’s my brother, sure, but in terms of authority he’s just my housemate. No. I’m getting my saddle back. No matter what it takes. I storm downstairs, Cap mewling as I push him off my chest. 

“Sorry, Cap. But I had to.” I apologised to the feline as he stalked after me, tail in the air. I reach down and scratch between his ears. He purrs a little; I don’t feel so bad now.

I throw the living room door open. The fur along Cap’s spine and tail bristles at the sound of it crashing against the wall. I see my brother on the couch facing away from me.

“Give me my saddle.” I say bluntly, in the most sinister voice I could muster.

Sebs sighs. “No.” He answers, just as bluntly.

“I need it! I HAVE to race! Don’t you understand?! I’ll be branded a coward!” My voice rises.

“Yes. I do understand. You’ll be branded a coward. But I’d rather you a living coward than a dead fool!” His voice rises too, mirroring my desperation. But there’s something off about his voice. It’s cracking. I walk around the couch and what I see in front of me makes me gasp a little. His breathing is jagged and hitching every time he tries to speak. His eyes are red-rimmed and dried tear tracks stain his cheeks, threatening to be washed away by the fresh ones brimming in his eyes. He must have been crying the whole time I was upstairs. I’ve never seen Sebs cry before, and it breaks my heart to see it now. It almost makes me give in and give up my argument, but not quite.

“Oh Gods, Sebs I’m so sorry... I wish I could drop out, but... I can’t!” Oh crap. I’m crying now too.

“No Tess. I know what this means to you, but it’s going to kill you! I can’t let that happen!” His voice stabilises and he becomes more confident again. He swipes at his cheeks, roughly rubbing the tear tracks away. “You are NOT racing on that - that thing!”

“I told you not to call him that! He has a name! In case you’ve forgotten, it’s SLEIPNIR!” I storm out the room and back up the stairs. I don’t care any more. I didn’t want to break anything before, but now I do. I know the perfect thing to break. How about the steel trunk my brother locked my saddle up in? That sounds perfect. I stride over to my brother’s bedroom. He hasn’t even bothered to shut the door.

“TESSA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” I hear him scream up the stairs at me. 

“I’M GETTING MY SHIT BACK!” I scream back. I hear him start to limp up the stairs but I don’t care. I can do this before he gets up here. His injury has made him slower than usual. 

I jog up to the trunk and quickly examine it. It’s about three feet long, one and a half feet wide and about the same deep. It’s an old army trunk, so it has a handle on each side for lifting and carrying. The lid overlaps a bit, with a small set of loops to put a padlock through, sealing it tightly shut. I don’t really care about this though. It’s the handles I’m interested in. I grab one and tug. It hardly budges. No matter. I was just assessing the weight. I take the handle tightly in both hands and yank it towards myself. It slides along the floor easily enough, even if it takes a bit of effort and I look like a loon doing it. I pull the weight towards the wall. A benefit of our house is that we have quite large windows. Perfect for throwing things out of, say perhaps... a trunk? I position the trunk under the window and glance back to the door. My brother has made it halfway up the stairs, limping as he is, panting with the effort and the aching pain. I turn back to my task. I open the window, throwing it as wide as it would go. Now comes the hard part. I put all my effort into lifting one end of the box up just high enough to rest it on my knee. I catch my breath quickly and grasp the sides of the trunk, resting the end that was on my knee now on the side of the window ledge. It’s harder than I thought it would be. What shit does he have in here!? I think to myself. I leave the trunk for  a second, propped up against the window as it is and position myself behind it. I take hold of the corners and lift this end off the floor to once again set it on my knee. I shove it forwards a little, so the far end was sticking out the window a little further. Once both ends were up, it was easy to slide it across the threshold of the windowsill. I turn just in time to see Sebs fall into the door frame, holding himself up, taking the weight off his bad leg. 

“Tessa! Tessa please don’t... Please?” He panted, almost whispering.

“Will you let me race?” I snap. He doesn’t reply, he just silently pleads me to stop. “Well?” I prompt.

“No...” He says.

“Okay then.” I muse as I give the trunk one final shove and it flies out the window. I falls to the ground swiftly and lands on the cobbled garden path below, just as I’d hoped. I lands with an almighty crunch and I wince, knowing that my saddle is in there. The fall had its desired effect though, and I see that one corned is crumpled and cracked open. I see the glint of my stirrup iron through it and the end of a girth strap. I laugh out loud because I wasn’t sure if it would actually work and I turn away from the window and shove past a slack-jawed big brother and sprint down the stairs, taking them three at a time and skidding in my socks on the wooden floor at the bottom as I propel myself towards the door. I hear a slightly muffled “For God’s sake!” from the top of the stairs as Sebs begins the long journey down the stairs after failing to grab me on my way past. Not bothering with shoes I hurtle through the door and kneel down next to the crumpled trunk. I see the leather of my saddle slightly bent out of shape from the fall through the largest split in the steel. I take hold of one side of it and gently slide it through the gap which was thankfully just big enough. I don’t know what I’d do if it wasn’t big enough. Take the trunk back upstairs for round two perhaps?

With the saddle out I check its surface for scratches and splits. It was almost undamaged. The largest injury it sustained was a scratch on my leather girth and one on my left stirrup iron. This was better than I could have hoped for. The saddle tree itself was unharmed and unwarped. It would still function perfectly! I stand my saddle up against the wall of the house and quickly lean through the still open door and grab the nearest pair of shoes. Sebs’ wellies. Too big but they’ll do! I slip them on, take up my saddle again and sprint towards the stables, stumbling a bit in my footwear. Nothing can stop me now. Sebs can hardly make it out to the stables with his injury. It will be safe there. I made the mistake of keeping my tack in the tack cupboard in the house before. I would hide it in the barn this time. I would not lose it again. I have a bridle out here too. A beautiful medieval style one with emerald green stones set into the leather straps. I will use this bridle on race day. It’s too gorgeous not to!

[dailyaudiobible]

08/13/2019 DAB Transcript

Nehemiah 5:14-7:73, 1 Corinthians 8:1-13, Psalms 33:1-11, Proverbs 21:8-10

Today is the 13th day of August. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It's great to be here with you today as we continue our journey toward the middle of the week, and for that matter toward the middle of this month. I'm glad that we could be here together to take the next step forward in our journey through the Scriptures. And we’re in this really interesting, really dramatic story called Nehemiah and there’s so much for us to learn in this book about the way leadership works, the way that Nehemiah handled a task that he was given that was far beyond his capability and all of the oppositions that he faced along the way. It gives us such a life lesson. So, we’ll pick up where we left off yesterday were reading from the Good News Translation this week. Nehemiah chapter 5 verse 14 through 7 verse 73.

Commentary:

Okay. So, back to Nehemiah. Yeah, obviously the last part of our reading today was a number of lists about people who had returned from exile, but before that, and throughout this story of the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem, we should notice that Nehemiah…like…he assessed the situation before he got anyone involved and then when they launched, they launched strong and they faced all kinds of opposition, but as we’ve read over the last three days, these oppositions only got like…it only escalated…it only amped up the closer they got to finishing the wall. We should maybe give us a little bit of an exhale when we think of our own mission, like where not the only ones who ever face opposition. This is everybody. And today we got to see kind of what was burning inside, like what Nehemiah's heart was like, what was a motivating because he gave it to us in print form. He didn't take the resources that was given to his position. Even though his predecessors as governors had taken their pay he didn't. And there was nothing wrong with them getting paid for what they did. It was just that he saw the burden the people were under and as their leader he tried to live by example and lighten the load and be a part of the story with them instead of taking advantage of him. And, so he paid out of his own pocket what it cost for him to be in the position that he was in, which could've only showed everyone around him, everyone under him that he was in the struggle, that he was in it with them, but it also showed the people that Nehemiah was looking for this opportunity. Like he wasn't looking for personal gain. He had one mission and it was a mission that burned in his heart when he served the King of Persia and that was to rebuild the wall to see that the temple would be protected. And so, that was it. He would accept nothing less or nothing more. That was it. In fact, Nehemiah goes on to tell us that he was so devoted to the wall that he refused to acquire any land. And that might be like well, “you’re just putting another feather in your cap buddy. We get it. You're a good guy. You were a good guy.” But it’s actually a pretty big thing what he’s saying because this is Jerusalem, right? This is Jerusalem, who has been…that has been destroyed, but this is a city that is sitting in the center of things, a very valuable piece of property. And now, with walls going up and a temple going up, like this is the primmest of prime real estate for the future. Like, this is where you want to invest cause thus city's coming back. He didn’t at all. It wasn't wealth that he was after, right? It wasn’t in position or power or prosperity that he was after. He wanted to finish what he started, what God gave him to do. So, then Nehemiah faces the politics of the whole situation, right? So, ridicule didn’t work, taunting didn't work, and they planned attacks and attacks didn't work. And, so, they tried to intimidate Nehemiah specifically. First by inviting him to basically a summit, like “hey…come out to the plane of Ona. We have some things we need to talk about.” And the  enemies of Nehemiah, the enemies of the people are just exposing themselves. They see that the wall is about to be completed so they want to get on terms with Nehemiah. Actually, they want to lure him away so that they can discredit him, but he won't go. Like he will come down. He’s basically, “I’m up on this wall and I'm not coming down from this wall to meet with you.” And that's when this open letter comes, right, this plot to send word all the way back to Persia to the king that Nehemiah has built this wall and is rebuilding the city and plans to become the king of Judah and rebel against the king of Persia. And even prophets are bribed in the mix here to discredit and make Nehemiah look bad. So, basically we’re watching the systematic attack on God's plan that was birthed in the in Nehemiah’s heart. And Nehemiah, as the leader of the vision, of this plan, the leader of this whole effort, how he responds to all of these things, right? We don't have any little asides in the book of Nehemiah where Nehemiah’s, you know, hiding out in some kind of house somewhere with his head in his hands asking if he missed God, right? Like with all of this that keeps…all these attacks that keep coming against me, maybe I just missed God or maybe I just missed it somehow and then we start to try to figure a way out of whatever it is. What Nehemiah did was keep moving forward. Like, one way or another, as slow as it might've been, one foot in front of the other, one little bit of progress forward every day. And I feel pretty confident that some of you needed to hear that today straight from the Bible, unfiltered.

Prayer:

Father, we come into Your presence, and whether we’re facing any of these things right now, we’re all on the same page about what we’re talking about here. Whether it's our current circumstance, we know what's going on and we’ve felt this before, and frankly, we've given up more times than we haven't. So, come Holy Spirit and let us see this lesson that is just sitting here in the story of Nehemiah about continuing forward no matter how slow the progress and no matter who's saying what, no matter the intimidation against us. If we know that You have asked us to do something, then help us to complete it and to do it with honor and to do it in Your name. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, and it is indeed where you find out what's going on around here.

And the Daily Audio Bible Family Reunion is coming up that we've been talking about for a while. Now we’re actually almost there. Two weeks is it? Yeah, let me look at a calendar. Two weeks from Saturday is the beginning, August 31st through September 2nd, which is Labor Day weekend here in the United States. We’re gonna get together and have a Family Reunion and have fun and play together and get to know each other and spend some time in the evenings together. And China’s telling me she's thinking about maybe Bible trivia or hosting a little Bible trivia competition out there one afternoon. We’re just gonna have a good time and looking forward to it very much. So, hopefully you can come. All of the details can be gotten at dailyaudiobible.com in the Initiatives section. Just look for Family Reunion 2019. And we will be there and hopefully you can be there too because what fun is that if you’re not there? Just like the Daily Audio Bible, what fun is that if we don't do this together? So hopefully you can come. And get the details at dailyaudiobible.com.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com as well. There is a link and it lives on the homepage and I humbly, humbly, humbly thank you for your partnership. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Delta Alpha Foxtrot this is Victor Romeo Sierra a.k.a. Victoria in Missouri. I just had to call and thank you thank you thank you for reminding all of us, I know it’s been a while since you called, but thanks for reminding all of us to contribute to this fabulous platform of the Daily Audio Bible so we may all continue to receive it. I want to shout out also to the others who have called, Free Indeed from Maryland, Sheila from Texas, and someone, possibly it was one of you too, called and talked to us about paying where you are fed. How beautiful! I just love that. So, I just want us all to think about how much we learn each day from Brian’s commentary. The words that we receive, we’re receiving teaching, we’re receiving an education about the Bible and God word every day. Would you pay a dollar for the word being read to you and the outstanding and excellent commentary that we receive every day that we learned so much from? They both lead and guide us. I would be a dollar. I would be more than a dollar. I am paying more than a dollar. Please consider sharing a dollar a day or more. Some of us, you know, most of us, or a lot of us, some of us would not miss $30 a month coming out of our budget. Some of us wouldn’t miss more than that. Technology is expensive and it’s ever-changing. So, thank you so much for considering a gift to maintain our daily bread, our Daily Audio Bible and sustain this…this beautiful word and gift that we receive from Brian every day. Thanks, love everyone. Prayers and blessings. Bye-bye.

Hi family this is his little Cherry in Canada and I just got up and I’m so grateful because I had a good night last night. I even was able to lie on my back for a little while and haven’t been able to do that for weeks and weeks and weeks. So, I’m so grateful. Thank you for your prayers. I wanted to let a few people know I’m praying for them. Christine in Washington state, you mentioned that your daughter had a scope to look at her stomach and biopsy and that the pictures don’t look very good and you’re feeling worried and anxious and I completely understand that because I have a daughter too and I’ve been through some things with her. And I know it seems like the enemy has power to get to us sometimes when we’ve been serving the Lord or when we’ve been getting close to the Lord and then we’re hit with different things. It does feel like we’re being attacked, and I know that we are being attacked but sometimes it’s easy to give the enemy more power than he has, to feel like where at his mercy and he’s just doing whatever he wants in our lives. But we have to believe that he is a defeated foe and the truth is that the cross was more than enough to render him impotent and powerless. And ultimately Jesus is the one who is writing a story. And even when we are attacked, he takes the very thing the enemy intends for evil and works them for good and it’s a choice to believe that. So, Christine I’m praying for you and for your daughter and I’m believing that God is working all things together for good not just in your life but in her life as well. He is faithful to both of you and He is writing your story and He is carrying you to the happily ever after that His blood bought for you. Praying for you. Thank you, family. Bye bye.

Good morning this is Tiffany Locke from Arizona. It is August 9th, 2019 and I am calling for Christopher in pretzel city. You say you’re lost and you should be somewhere that you’re not in your spiritual life and I’m calling to say that I am praying for you and that you should begin to thank God for small things, silly things, things that you wouldn’t even think that you should consider or that God would consider, silly things such as driving down a street filled with traffic lights that you didn’t get stopped out one of them. You say thank you God that I had all green lights. And maybe the enemy will come in and try to make you feel silly but keep going. Thank Him for your breath, the ability to walk, the ability to see, your dog, your house. Begin to thank him even if you don’t feel thankful at the moment because those feelings will come, and then God will start to put things into your head to be thankful about maybe. I don’t know. Maybe He won’t but maybe you’ll start seeing more things. And keep thanking Him. Begin to worship Him, begin to praise Him, and don’t worry about what kind of person you are right now because He’s gonna take care of that. God is so good, and He knows more about you than you could possibly know about yourself. Pour yourself out to Him. Tell Him how stressed you are. Tell Him how upset you are or how happy you are or any of those things. Begin to talk to Him. Talk to Him no matter what time it is. Talk to Him when you are so angry you can barely stand yourself. Just say I’m so angry! God has big shoulders and He loves you more than you could possibly understand. I pray that you will receive this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hi, this is Victoria Soldier just calling to pray for some of the DABbers. I am seeing…a lot of them have been getting sick with cancer and I wanted to pray for Indiana…Ken from Indiana, his two daughters and his wife is going through stress and anxiety. I wanted to pray for Tracy and thank her for the encouragement to the DABbers and Demetrius and the lady in Africa. And I wanted to pray for those who are sick and going through and needs a financial blessing and who needs…one lady needs a spouse. She was praying for a spouse. So, I ask God to bless her. Gracious father we just praise You today. Oh Lord I thank You Lord. I thank You because I know that You have a very special breakthrough for the people of God. Oh Lord we’re being attacked on every side. The enemy is afflicting us with sicknesses Lord but we know that You said that the devil comes in like a flood, but the spirit of the Lord takes up a stand against him. Lord we thank You Lord. We thank You because You never leave us. We thank You because You’re still mighty. We thank You because You’re still awesome. We thank You because You’re still omnipotent. We thank You because You’re still holy. We thank You because You’re still worthy. Oh Lord we just ask You Lord to touch Lord. You touch father You do whatever. You do whatever Your will Lord. You heal our bodies Lord. You heal our bodies. You heal our marriages Lord. You heal Your people Lord. You strengthen them on every hand. Oh father in the name of Jesus You have Your way. They’re being attacked by an enemy. Oh Lord in the name of Jesus we just thank You Lord. We’re looking for Your blessing. When the devil kicks…

[chrissymcdermott]

If You’re Thinking About Moving to LA...

Consider This Advice From A 1.5 Year In Transplant

A good friend of of mine recently told me they were considering moving from Philadelphia to Los Angeles to pursue their career in the entertainment industry and asked for my advice. A year and a half into living out here, after being asked for my insight, it felt like a good point to take a moment and really evaluate where I was at with everything. With that in mind, I put a bit more effort into crafting a thoughtful and at times brutally honest response.

Below is my advice to that friend considering the big move. You’ll notice a few names are redacted as to protect certain individual’s privacy (and to not shoot myself in the foot professionally.) I hope this will be helpful to a few of you folks out there considering becoming an LA transplant. Especially if you’re coming from another part of the country that feels distinctly different from this mega metropolis.

Hey Friend,

As I was writing this I realized that this is the first time I'm really truthfully reflecting on my experience living here so far. It's hard to do when you feel like you're always in the thick of it. Obviously this is a whole lot to digest but I believe it's all valuable insight. I hope you feel the same way. Take as much or little from it as you like but I do think it's worth reading the whole way through. Take your time but once you're done, let me know what you think. :)

First, I think the most important thing to note is that I don't regret moving out here at all, but it's taken me up until recently to feel that way and you'll see why as you read on. It's absolutely true that if you have greater aspirations than what Philly has (or most other cities have) to offer, coming out to LA is a logical move. That said, an important thing to remember is if and when you do, you're one of tens of thousands of people doing the same thing every year so it's unbelievably competitive and everyone is gunning for the same jobs. Far more than what you'll experience anywhere else, even in New York according to my former New Yorker friends out here.

Moreover, even if you're tremendously talented, your odds for getting noticed let alone hired are much smaller so you have to plan accordingly. Ideally, people move out here with either a solid job or several freelance gigs already lined up. Realistically however, there are always a million variables at play that will determine whether that's actually the case or not. Sustainability is imperative. Everything you do in preparation for when you get here and when you arrive has to be focused on making sure you plan months in advance as much as possible. I have tried to make it so even if I had zero work I could last at least two months while looking for my next gig.

Your Network

It's really great that …………… is helping you connect with people out here but be sure to build your network of people on your own as well. Use resources online to connect with people before coming out here too. Your success in LA is literally and intrinsically based on who you know and you can't count on anyone but yourself to build those relationships. I know it might sound a little silly or exaggerated but it's not - you will make it out here only if you have a strong network of people you can rely on and your professional (and to a big extent personal) survival out here depends on the network you maintain. You can apply to all the jobs you want but talk to anyone out here and they'll tell you 90% of all "industry" jobs filled are through referrals, phone calls, and emails. Most of mine have been so far. - On that point, whatever phone number you're going to use for connecting with people, keep it. It's crazy who ends up with your number sometimes, and if you change it, you risk missing out on potential opportunities.

Money

In addition to building your network out and lining up any and all work, I recommend saving up at least $5k but preferably closer to $10k before you move - and plan on all of that savings being gone within the first year of living here. Also, keep the funds you save for living out here separate from what you budget to actually move across country, that should be it's own separate fund of about $3k if you're driving.

When I moved out I had about $15k saved up. Even with working freelance gigs fairly often for the first year, (at worst I'd go about 2 and a half months without a job,) all of my savings were gone in about 10 months. Granted there are big apartment move in costs, a decent chunk of money just spent on going out to meet people, and a lot of unforeseen expenses (you will guaranteed get lots of tickets in the first few months just getting used to the parking situation out here) but LA is just fucking expensive. I naively brushed that important fact off when we moved out here which was really dumb. Unless you eat fast food all the time just buying lunch is always $12+, $6 drinks are only the shittiest beers, groceries are nearly doubled, and rent is the biggest bitch of an expense. Unless you want to live in a terrible shit hole in a sketchy area, you're going to pay at least a grand a month for a studio apartment even in Hollywood - and no one actually wants to live in Hollywood. I live in a barely acceptable neighborhood in Koreatown in an ok 1 bedroom apartment for $1450 before utilities and other bizarre building charges. Prepare to spend half (or maybe more) of your monthly income just to keep a roof over your head.

The Actual Work

You will be a PA and you will have to be a PA for a while. No matter your experience, skill level, or professional value, if you want credibility and to have any opportunity to work at the level you're actually at, you're going to have to be a PA for a while and it will SUCK. It can honestly be soul crushing work but it's part of what you're signing up for when you move out here and this industry LOVES making people "pay their dues". This is another fact I didn't fully appreciate until trying to find work here.

My first full time gig here was as an Editorial PA on a studio movie. I worked for shit pay under some of the most entitled, privileged, complaining, awful people you can imagine. I know it sounds harsh but they were truly the worst people I've ever met and they were absolutely horrible to me. I busted my ass for 6 months and took a lot of abuse only to be fired because a bitchy 2nd Assistant Editor decided to sabotage me after I happened to see him sleeping in his car during work several times and he didn't want anyone to find out. I've never in my adult life had other adults be so unkind and say such awful things about and to me for literally no reason other than they're miserable bored people who are jaded by everything they're so fortunate to have.

When I was fired my immediate boss said she didn't know if I "just didn't give a shit, was too lazy, or too dumb to be able to do the basic job of a PA." - We both know I'm of course none of those things and she said that even despite me doing the work of the Post Coordinator on top of my own job (we didn't have one so it was a responsibility that I took on voluntarily in hopes of moving up) and the Post Supervisor and I having a great relationship. (Side note, after I was fired, a lot of the other people in the post department reached out to me and said that they were shocked that I was fired me and that I'd be missed. A few of them even wrote references for me so there are some good people too, haha.)

To progress and work out here you have to be convincingly confident and have no ego at the same time always. You must walk around like you're the best fucking thing to grace this planet while still being humble enough to be the person responsible for nothing more than picking up everyone else's trash. One day you'll be on a rad freelance indie gig DP'ing and creating some awesome shit and the next day some middle aged Key PA is going to be screaming in your face for not getting something to someone quick enough. It's a bizarre fine line to walk every day but you make adjustments as you go.

Being intuitive and very observant help a lot in this regard. The best advice I received during this job was from the Post Supervisor. He explained that the reason he moved up and got out of PAing was because a producer noticed him picking up a broom to sweep the set he was working on. He said you should always be the person to jump up and help out with even the smallest task well before you're ever asked. The O.G.s always notice those who take that initiative.

Why It's Actually a Good Thing

Alright, so this is where I've paused to read back what I've wrote so far and I want to switch gears because although it seems otherwise from what I've said, I do advocate moving out here if you feel like it's the right decision for you. As I said at the beginning, I don't regret moving here and I'll tell you why.

In terms of that soul crushing PA job where I spent the 45 minutes driving to work every morning dreading the 12+ hour day ahead of me, I learned more in those 6 months about working for studios and working in LA than I learned about filmmaking and production in my 9 years in Philly. I learned what people are actually capable of being like out here (both bad and good) and also what people are capable of accomplishing if they're able to survive and stick it out during the "struggle years".

That Post Supervisor I mentioned, his name is …………….  and he was one of the producers on …………….. Not only that but he was the guy running the production when they shot the infamous ……………. scene and the …………….! One day he sat with me for 2 hours and told me about all of his crazy stories from the production. Not only was it super cool to hear those stories, but this dude was having a blast hanging out with me and reminiscing about his hay days on …………….. That was fucking rad to say the least. - We're still close by the way, we check in with each other often.

Also, that job made me really realize how strong, determined, and resilient I am. I can take a lot and I'll get through it. Thanks to that job, I know my way around most of LA pretty well and am comfortable driving anywhere. I've also now finally wrapped my head around the concept of it being ok if you don't like people and it's also ok if people don't like you. I think most importantly I learned though that once I experienced it, paid my dues, and I got everything I could out of that job, I know not only what to look out for and avoid, but more importantly that I will NEVER let anybody treat me like that under any circumstances ever again. - I don't think that's something I would have learned had I stayed in Philly.

In regards to your network, equally as important will be your group of friends and I'll of course be one of them. You'll definitely meet a lot of people that you think will be your friends and then they'll disappoint you. You'll also quickly realize that often even the seemingly good folks have alternative motives that you'll have to keep an eye out for. You'll meet some friends and lose them, you'll meet other people you really like but never speak to a second time, and then you'll meet the people that will ultimately become your family out here. They'll be your saving grace, your source of support, and the best distraction you have from all the challenges you'll face everyday. For me, most of them are also transplants from the North East and as I've gotten to know them more, I've realized that our shared values and perspectives allow me to trust them almost empirically. This is partially because if you’re not from LA a lot of the people here, and especially the people that are from here, are weird AF. I honestly think it's because they've lived in paradise so long and haven't had character building experiences like shoveling your car out of 3 feet of snow at 7am before a full day of work in February, haha. BTW, it's 72 today here soooo there's that. :D Anyways, thanks to the friends I've made, I've had incredible, life changing experiences that I'll remember forever. Exploring this amazing state with those people has been an invaluable experience that I'm grateful for everyday.

Money. If you're ok with and willing to be poor and struggle for a while (meaning an indefinite amount of time), you'll be fine. Living here is an endurance test and a war of attrition but you'll eventually be able to get back to a comfortable living. You just have to stick it out for a while. It will brutal sometimes and you'll eat a lot of horrible cheap food but at the end of the day, knowing you can live for two weeks off 20 bucks is something you'll come to be proud of. Poverty almost seems like a right of passage out here in its own respect and it galvanizes you as a person. This brings me to my last point.

LA is fucking wonderful, awful, weird, confusing, infuriating, amazing, encouraging, defeating, and beautiful all at the same time. It's like living in the weirdest dreamlike world that you love and hate emphatically all at the same time. I go back and forth between loving this city and loathing it intensely ten times on an average day. I've been at my very very rock bottom here and my highest high. I've also learned so much that I honestly think it will take me a decade to fully comprehend everything I've exposed to in the last year and a half.

I'm proud to be here and I'm proud that after everything, I'm finally starting to believe I'll be able to survive here... but if I'm being perfectly honest, that still feels like a toss up everyday. Despite that, I'll never be the same person I was before I moved and that's a good thing. At the end of the day, I know now that so long as I can stick it out, stay tough, work harder than I ever fucking have, and endure, I'll be able to accomplish everything I moved out here for and more.

If you're truly willing to sacrifice everything, realistically start all over from scratch, and relentlessly fight for the life you want, then do it. Almost daily I think of the beautiful house, great job, amazing friends, and comfortable life I had in Philly but I know I can never go back to that and I'm ok with it. Life is more exciting out here and if you do it right, it will change you for the better. And again, I'll be here to support you through all of it if you do decide it's the right move for you.

I think that's enough to chew on for now. Because I'm a huge cheese ball, I'll end with this:

Keep me posted and feel free to hit me up with questions or anything else whenever.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

EVERY FOUNDER SHOULD KNOW ABOUT AGE

This plan collapsed under its own weight. To answer that we have to go back n paragraphs and start over in another direction. It seemed curious that the same task could be painful to one person and pleasant to another, but I resent being told what to do in an essay about color or baseball. And for these releases, the mere fact of which seemed to us evidence of their backwardness, they would get confused and click on the browser's Back button. And the things I had to choose between two theories, prefer the one that doesn't center on you. Actually it isn't. Ditto for the idea of reusability got attached to object-oriented programming offers a sustainable way to write spaghetti code. -10x more succinct than C, and this is one reason intranet software will continue to thrive, even though it wasn't an online store builder, with about 14,000 users. No one actually proposed implementing numbers as lists in practice. You can block off several hours for a single task if you need to use them?

Be nice. Arbitrarily declaring such a border would have constrained our design choices. If software moves off the desktop and onto servers, what I'm describing here is the future of web startups will if anything increase the importance of startup hubs. It will be argued that it is designed by product managers, they'll never be able to have your application bundled with the OS. I had to do the same for every language, so they don't affect comparisons much. Are there zero users who really love you, or is close enough that you're better off aiming for the solid target of brevity than the fuzzy, nearby one of least work. What does it feel like to program in now.

So are hackers, I think it is. Then you've sunk to a whole bunch simultaneously. It's still a very weak form of disagreement is that it has made it easier to learn to program by looking at them. So you'd only want to talk to other people doesn't seem like work to you, the more time they'll spend in meetings negotiating how their software will work together, and the macro is itself ten lines of code. The way people act is just as misleading. Mark Zuckerberg, the kind of essay I thought I was going to take two weeks to write few projects took longer, I knew I could see the effect in the software as soon as it does now. So you can just turn off the service. There are two problems with this, though.

So you can just confess that you're inexperienced at fundraising—which is always a safe card to play—and you feel you have to pay for might as well stop there. They wanted yellow. Gone were the mumbling recitations of lists of features. Unfortunately the distinction between acceptable and forbidden topics is usually based on how the case looks. The weekend before the demo day for potential investors ten weeks in, and go home. It was written by two guys working in an attic, and yet needs to meet multiple times before making up his mind, has very low expected value. When friends came back from faraway places, it wasn't just out of politeness that I asked them about their trip. The 2005 summer founders ranged in age from 18 to 28 average 23, and there was a type of programmer who would only put five or ten lines of code every time you use it, and they're thus able to excuse themselves by saying that they haven't had time to make a platform that startups will build on, they have to behave well. There is a kind of a deadline. I've found that the best ones.

But most young hackers have neither. All we ask from those on the manager's schedule you can do about this conundrum, so the best plan is to go for the smaller customers first. When technology makes something dramatically cheaper, standardization always follows. A, that will make most of them are bad: Object-oriented abstractions. The result is to damp extremes. When there is some real external test of skill, it isn't painful to be at the bottom like a pear. If you have an idea for a new feature in the morning, you can watch them learn by doing.

There's obviously the direct cost in time, there's the cost in fragmentation—breaking people's day up into bits too small to be useful. When they sign a termsheet, they want to be popular, certainly, but as a predictor of success it's rounding error compared to what they pick up on their own projects. As I was waiting to hear back, I found that what the teacher wanted us to do was grow that core incrementally. That's where you can read the beginning of a trend: desktop computers won because startups wrote software for them. Viaweb, as at many software companies, especially at the beginning of a trend: desktop computers won because startups wrote software for them. People have been talking about parallel computation as something imminent for at least 20 years, and it seems like no one cares, look more closely. It was the usual story: he'd drop out if it looked like the startup was taking off.

Viaweb, software included fairly big applications that users talked to directly, programs that tried to restart things if they broke, programs that ran occasionally to compile statistics or build indexes for searches, programs we ran explicitly to garbage-collect resources or to move or restore data, programs that those programs used, programs that those programs used, programs that those programs used, programs that tried to restart things if they broke, programs that ran occasionally to compile statistics or build indexes for searches, programs we ran explicitly to garbage-collect resources or to move or restore data, programs that ran constantly in the background looking for problems, programs that tried to restart things if they broke, programs that ran constantly in the background looking for problems, programs that those programs used, programs that pretended to be users to measure performance or expose bugs, programs for diagnosing network troubles, programs for doing backups, interfaces to outside services, software that drove an impressive collection of dials displaying real-time server statistics a hit with visitors, but indispensable for us too, modifications including bug fixes to open-source movement is that it will make conversations better, but that there be few of them. They ask whatever it is they're asking in such a cavalier fashion. Phrased that way, it doesn't sound good at all. So it may not even be meaningful to say that you never have to release software immediately is a big motivator. Most of these changes will be for bad guys too. Sometimes I even make a conscious effort to insulate the other founder s from the details of the process. It's to see whether you'd be a suitable recipient for the size of users' data well, nothing easy, we knew we might as well spend it working on something like the natural history of computers—studying the behavior of algorithms for routing data through networks, for example, seems to be how startups work. Ironically, though open source and blogging suggests, you'll enjoy it more, even if you do it. In another conversation he told me that what he liked about my essays was that they weren't written the way we'd been taught to write essays in school.

There was some initial resistance, but it didn't last long. If someone had told me that, as with the apparent laziness of people this age. After all, a Web 2. But in fact there will be zero. When a piece of cake in the fridge, and you learn things you'd never say face to face meetings. In the summer of 1995, my friend Rich and I made a point of exerting less. As one of the best things about working for a big company, and it could require interpretation in the case of prosecutors, it probably isn't, it tended to pervade the atmosphere of early universities. And anything you come across that surprises you, who've thought about the question right. But I think this principle would also apply to sites with different origins. And so all over the country, students are writing not about how a baseball team with a small budget might compete with the Yankees, or the productivity of programmers gets measured in lines of code, then you only have a small number of winners early and then supporting them for years to a strategy of spraying money at early stage startups and then ruthlessly culling them at the same rate. We encourage every startup to measure their progress by weekly growth rate. If our competitor had done that, the last time a new way of delivering software appeared.

[wendyhermansongeller]

Keane's Tom Chaplin on Coming Out of Addiction, and Riding a Solo 'Wave' of Success

Tom Chaplin, known to hundreds of thousands of fans as the frontman of British alt-rockers Keane, has a thoughtful, pleasantly proper cadence to his speech — peppered with chuckles here and there as he relates the story behind his first solo album, The Wave. The chuckles may come as a bit of a surprise, given the deeply personal (and deeply dark) subject of his work: Chaplin has a well-documented history of relapsing addiction which nearly brought him to death more than once. His stunningly raw and lovely album takes a look at his journey into eventual — and, he says, now permanent — sobriety, with a lens on both his own actions and the damages done to loved ones along the way.

The fact that Chaplin’s sense of humor can emerge during a conversation about such matters is a testament to his flexibility, which he put to good use during work on The Wave — the first time he’s stepped out of the Keane-singer spotlight and attempted his hand at songwriting. Yahoo Music sat down with Chaplin to find out his methods of approaching such a monumental (and undeniably successful) work.

YAHOO MUSIC: Needless to say, the album is an extremely personal project. When approaching the task of telling your story, is it possible for you to pinpoint where you began?

TOM CHAPLIN: It kind of had two starting points I suppose, one of which ended up being aborted. At the end of the Keane best-of in 2013 — at the end of that, that was kind of “start No. 1.” I said to the guys that I wanted to take time away and work on my solo project.

The other part, that got aborted, I was working away on all this solo adventure — and I found it quite difficult actually, I think a lot of the songs were observational, more outward-looking. And I didn’t try very hard to get a sense of something cohesive in terms of what I was writing about. I found myself kind of creatively drying up by the middle of that year. And, at the same time, my daughter was born, and at the same time my problems with drug addictions returned in the worst way I had done in my life.

The end of 2014 was a complete mess. That first initial effort to write a record had completely evaporated. It wasn’t really until springtime of last year, I got myself well, it took a while to reconnect with everything. Because I was so exhausted — and, I suppose, too void of feeling. So it took me a few months before I could get back in the studio and get writing. I ended up writing with other people as well, which was quite liberating for me. I hit my stride and wrote about 30 songs over the course of the spring and summer. I felt like I tapped into this incredible energy for writing and creating. And, I think there were two obvious elements to that. One, I wasn’t diverting all my energy and intention to sustaining a drug habit, so I had all this enthusiasm for being creative. The other thing, it gave me something really cohesive and clear to write about, which was my experience over the last two years.

Many artists have chronicled their journeys through addiction and sobriety. Did you ever consider how your story would fit into this lexicon of other (and sometimes very famous) similar ones?

I didn’t, actually. So much of what I did last year was repairing relationships that I’d smashed or destroyed in my life, so several of the songs documented that. And, repairing the relationship to myself — trying to like myself again and learn more about who I am, and understand myself. Quite a few of the songs reflect that. Really what I was doing was documenting what I was going through during that time, I didn’t really think too hard about whether it was going to stand up to anything else. Obviously things finally felt like they were going in the right direction in my life. And I wanted to capture that process — the hope around that. I was lost in the real genuine excitement and pleasure of making music again.

Did you ever consider attempting to tell your story using the support or framework of your band, rather than take it on as a solo project?

One of things about Keane is our roles in the band became defined very early on. I was more of the singer, and Tim played piano and was always the songwriter. Those roles became quite firmly set. I was kind of happy in a way, maybe not unconsciously but certainly on the surface—this is a good balance, and I love singing Tim’s songs that made us very successful. But after a while I felt the effect of always singing someone else’s story. That, at times, gave me a sense of frustration, because I felt I had all this stuff inside me that I wanted to articulate and get out. I carry back to this idea—anyone who’s a fan of Keane will know my voice, the external voice, but I think very few people have gotten to know what goes on underneath all of that. So to me the process of doing this, and needing to take it into the realm of a solo project, was to kind of marry up these two things.

You collaborated with co-writers on the album. Did you enjoy that process, or find it difficult given you were working with such personal material?

Writing an album is a very painstaking process. I think I wrote 40 songs overall by the end of this record, to choose from. I had to wade through things I didn’t think had the tone of the record, and I had to also finesse my song structures, and picking the lyrics – I think the thing for me was, I was very worried. One of the reasons I was cautious or anxious about working with other people, was that somehow I was going to lose that voice. But I think that was actually part of the process.

What was the hardest part of writing the album for you?

In terms of the lyrics, it was like a very confusing puzzle, I was trying to juggle so many ideas. You always have to have the whole song up in front of you in your head, and be able to work on different things at the same time.

One of the ways I did that, I did a lot of that while I was driving. I found that if I sat down at my computer or with a notepad and just try to write lyrics and concentrate entirely on that, I’d get stuck very quickly. But I found when I was driving in my car, part of my mind was focused on the road and the process of driving in a straight line just allowed my mind to wander. So I found that driving along, I’d often come up with ideas and the answers to problems. When your mind can wander, and your main concentration is elsewhere, great inspiration can happen. A good method.

Were some songs easier than others to develop and form?

Songs like “See It So Clear,” I just wrote that in a day and night when I was out in L.A. That one came pretty quickly. And maybe “Bring the Rain” as well, which is strange because it’s a very poetic song and yet it was one of those that came out fully formed. I would say pretty much everything else was a bit of a struggle.

Have your bandmates in Keane heard the record, and if so, what do they think?

Yeah, they have. I think maybe they were quite surprised that it actually ever got made. I’m not sure they really believed I ever had it in me (laughs). Certainly not when my problems with addiction had come back. They seemed very eager to hear it. I think inevitably there is more at play than that—obviously I put a pause on Keane; I’m sure there’s some bad feelings around that. Potentially a sense of envy, and fear that maybe that’s it for Keane, and all those sorts of things. But on the surface they’ve been very positive and generous and lovely about it. And that’s more than I could possibly have hoped for, and I’m really, really pleased about that.

You’ve been very open about the damage, and subsequent repair, that was done to your marriage. Is there a particular song your wife likes best on this album?

There are two very obvious love letters—“Hold on to Our Love” and “Solid Gold”—they are very much to her. “Hold on to Our Love” was one of the first songs I wrote after getting myself clean and sober. There’s a sense of uncertainty in that song and that certainly reflected where I was at that time. Obviously I’d really taken our relationship to the very limits, and I was in a sense trying to win back her faith. Certainly at that point it was hard for her to believe I was going to get myself well—I’d gotten clean and sober for a few months at a time in the past, and I think she was wary that was going to happen. So the song documents a time of uncertainty between us, but also a sense of “I really want us to survive—we’ve been through a lot and if we can survive this hurricane of my addiction, then we can be stronger.” A simple idea, really, but I wanted to tell her that.

She’s very fond of that one, but she’s probably more fond of “Solid Gold” which is in a way a more reflective song, looking back on all the troubles and difficult times, more from the perspective of “Things are good, and can I be there for you, and I know you believe that.” I think that is a more accurate reflection of where we are now. It’s so lovely to write those things for her. There’s a great big chance I was never going to get to do that. And to get into a position where I can write that kind of song, and make those promises—it’s a very proud feeling. It keeps me from wanting to go back to that awful dark place.

Now that you’ve “gotten out” so much of your demons, do you think you may want to go in a different subject direction for your next solo album — if you plan to make another solo album?

I don’t honestly know. I do want to continue, but I am desperate to make the most of the chance I’ve given myself. I now have the confidence to continue. This first record was really just figuring out whether I could actually do it. Now I know that, I want to push on. It’s very hard to know, and I think once I start writing properly again — I have already dipped my toe in the water, I’ve got a few different ideas — I think I’ll just have to see where I’m at.

[brentrogers]

Podcast: Do Cell Phones Cause Anxiety?

Do you constantly refresh your social media feed? Are you checking your notifications more often than you’d like to admit?  In today’s Psych Central Podcast, Gabe and psychologist Robert Duff have an enlightening discussion on how the information age has affected our mental health — but only if we let it. Dr. Duff explains how the overuse of social media is often driven by a fear of missing out and even a false sense of productivity.

So how can we work with the modern world rather than be controlled by it? Join us to hear specific tips on how to make social media the servant, not the master, of your reality.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

  Guest information for ‘Robert Duff- Social Media Anxiety’ Podcast Episode

Robert Duff is a licensed clinical psychologist from Southern California. He is the author of the popular Hardcore Self Help book series and his most recent book, Does My Mom Have Dementia?. He also hosts a weekly podcast where he answers listener mental health questions and interviews interesting guests. When he’s not working as a neuropsychologist in private practice or creating content for his “Duff the Psych” persona, Robert can usually be found sharing a few glasses of wine with his wife or playing video games.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Robert Duff- Social Media Anxiety’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of The Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Robert Duff. Robert is a licensed clinical psychologist and is the author of the popular Hardcore Self Help book series. He’s also a fellow podcast, hosting the Hard Core Self Help Podcast, a weekly show where he answers listeners’ mental health questions and interviews interesting guests. Dr. Duff, welcome to the show.

Dr. Robert Duff: Thank you so much for having me.

Gabe Howard: Today, we’re going to discuss anxiety and the modern age and more specifically, how things like technology and social media impact our anxiety and stress levels. I think that most people don’t realize that our modern world is causing us stress in other ways than just work, relationships and children.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, I think at the very least, it’s different. I wouldn’t say better or worse, but certainly the Internet and definitely social media, I think, are kind of some of the biggest changes to society and the way that we interact since the industrial revolution or the printing press or something like that. So absolutely, it’s different.

Gabe Howard: It seems like if you read back through history, every new thing was going to be the end of the world. And I remember reading about the printing press and how the printing press was going to destroy the world as we know it. And it was fascinating to read because, of course, we all love the printing press. We think that the printing press is one of the greatest revolutions in the world. And yet at the time, it was very much maligned as being a bad thing. Which leads me to my question. Is that this. Are people just saying, oh, no, social media and technology is the downfall of the world and it’s sort of, you know, the sky is falling syndrome.

Dr. Robert Duff: I think that people can fall on either side of it. Sometimes people think that it’s a very, very, very negative thing. For me, I’m like, well, it doesn’t matter either way, it is what it is. And it’s sort of growing up in this period of time. I think that one of our major, for lack of a better term, developmental tasks is to figure out how to manage all this stuff, because there’s just a lot. The jump up from the printing press gives you access to information that you never had before. And this is that like times a gazillion. So there’s just a lot in knowing what to do with that, how to manage that. I think it’s a really, really, really important thing.

Gabe Howard: Social media is just the, it gets blamed for everything, it seems nowadays. What role does social media play in anxiety in 2020?

Dr. Robert Duff: There’s good and bad and neutral, you know, it is what it is. I think that one of the good things about it is that you have unprecedented access to connecting with people and finding resources. If you’re to go on Twitter say, and say, hey, I’m having extreme anxiety. Can somebody help me out? And a bunch of people are going to come and they’re going to send you resources. That’s how a lot of people find my books and stuff like that, for instance. So there’s, it’s a great way to connect with people. It’s a great way to find resources. It also, though, feeds into sort of the compulsive nature of anxiety. Anxiety, you tend to get this sense of unease like you want to know the answer. Whether that’s is the situation dangerous or what’s going on in the world or how does this person feel about me? You really, really, really want to know the answer to that. And social media gives you a way to either get those answers or at least fulfill some of that compulsive desire to do that. So, when you want to know what’s going on in the world, all you have to do is refresh your social feed. And you see the news there these days. A lot of people, myself included, don’t even turn on the TV or go to CNN.com when we want to get news.

Dr. Robert Duff: I just go to Twitter and see what’s trending. And that’s going to help me understand in the immediate right now sense what’s going on, which is a good thing and a bad thing. I always tell people your knowledge of what’s happening in this moment, especially if it’s something like a natural disaster, a shooting, a political event, things like that. Your knowledge of it does not change the fact that it’s happening at all. But there’s this, with how much information is available, there’s just this weird guilt that sort of sets in where if you don’t know what’s happening in that exact moment, you feel bad about that or disconnected somehow. And so, you know, by refreshing your feed, by checking those things, it relieves some of that. They release some of that tension, which is going to lead you to do that more and more and more. So it can become a thing that’s just so absent minded. You’re constantly either checking notifications, which is a whole different story, or just refreshing social feeds, trying to see what’s going on. And that can certainly play into anxiety, especially if it’s an issue that you already have.

Gabe Howard: It’s fascinating that you talked about refreshing the social feed to learn what’s going on, to release anxiety on one hand. I completely agree with you. I have done it. I have sat there on my phone when something a big event has happened. And I’ve just hit refresh, refresh, refresh, you know, going through like four different Web sites going on, like you said, Twitter or Facebook to see what other people are saying or what other people are posting. And in that moment, I feel less anxious because after all, I’m up to date.

Dr. Robert Duff: Right. Right.

Gabe Howard: But then again, I’m completely enmeshed in it.

Dr. Robert Duff: Right.

Gabe Howard: I’m not doing anything else. I’m not focused on anything else. I’m letting other things like work, family, friendships, joy go, because I’m just, I’m so engrossed in this story. And then I often learn, whether it be days, weeks or months later that some of the information I got was just false. There’s so much pressure to have the scoop that people say the police questioned Gabe Howard. He’s a suspect. And in the meantime, Gabe Howard was the Jimmy John’s delivery guy. And now the whole world believes that the poor Jimmy John’s delivery guy is involved. Which I imagine creates even more anxiety.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: How does that all flow together?

Dr. Robert Duff: The other thing to think about with this is how it doesn’t allow you to turn off with anxiety. A lot of people. Their brain is already going to be searching for signs of danger. Answers to things. It’s going to be sort of always on. And it’s an active effort to try to get that to slow down, to rest, to recuperate. Sustained anxiety over time is really exhausting. And then you integrate something like this where you’re getting the immediate information that’s constantly changing. So you have to keep up with it. I can recall just recently, somewhat recently, I live in the area of California that has all the wildfires, these really big fires that have happened. And one of them that was closest to us happened while my wife was asleep. But I was still awake and I had to really make the choice of, OK, do I wake her up and let her know what’s happening? Just because she needs to know with the knowledge that that’s going to keep her up all night because she’s going to be doing that refresh and continuing

Gabe Howard: Right.

Dr. Robert Duff: To look, continuing to get that. Or do I wait till there’s a need to know part of the information? Because really, for all practical purposes, it wasn’t affecting us yet at that point and the information was only going to be more solid later on. But you really, really, really, really want to know. And the anxiety is going to fuel that because it’s going to say, hey, I’m trying to keep you safe. The best thing you can do here is gather all this information, try to figure out every aspect of it, and then also avoid things that would actually make a difference or maybe make you involved somehow. So it definitely plays into it. But at the very least, I think we need to pay attention to how it affects us. And one of my biggest sort of takeaways for people is that you need to start building some self awareness about how social media plays out for you, for different people, it’s going to have a different level of impact. For me, it may not be quite as big as somebody like. Like I said, my wife, she’s somebody that openly struggles with anxiety. It has a big effect on her. And so knowing when to invite that in, when to not invite that in, I think that’s a skill that we all sort of need to build at this point.

Gabe Howard: I’m thinking of my own social media use, and I got sucked in by everything, I had the notifications on, so when something happened, there was a ding. I had the emails that came in. And this is the thing that I’m most ashamed of. I wanted to earn all of the badges. Social media does a really good job of telling you that you’re a top poster, you’re a top fan. You’ve made one

Dr. Robert Duff: Verified.

Gabe Howard: Update a day every day for 100 days or. Yeah. Verified is a big one. I wanted to earn, and I’m using that word earn. I wanted to earn them all. But I’ve since learned, as comes with, you know, maturity and age and better understanding that I wasn’t earning anything. It was a false reward. I think many people are stuck in this trap where they think they’re accomplishing something. But in reality, you’re not accomplishing anything.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, definitely. And the checking nature of social media with anxiety, you’re taking away that unease of not knowing what’s going on. But then on top of that, there’s also positive reinforcement. You’re getting hearts. You’re getting likes. You’re getting badges, you’re getting these things. And they are just quick little hits of essentially dopamine that are reinforcing you for that behavior. And it’s built that way. That’s why Facebook is such a huge monster that can charge so much for ads and make so much money because everything is just built on that. It’s like Vegas. You know, you have this positive reinforcement. You have the light, you have the ding, you have the money payout. You have all these things that kind of keep you going and keep you going. And so I think that’s definitely important to recognize that it’s designed to make you compulsive. That doesn’t mean it’s a terrible thing in and of itself. But just like when you walk into a store, you see all the ads and promotions and things like that, you’ve got to at least know that they’re trying to sell you and that’s going to at least help you take things with a grain of salt.

Gabe Howard: I do think that people understand that the stores, the televisions are trying to sell you. Do you think that people understand that Facebook and other social media sites are trying to sell you? Do you think that people understand that they are are consumer of these products? And do you think that that understanding or lack of understanding contributes to anxiety?

Dr. Robert Duff: That’s an interesting question. I think that one thing that Facebook and the social media platforms do really well as they get to know you, you give them permission to give them a lot of your information. And so things start to become very tailored to you. You know, you hear the stories about, oh, I was talking over dinner about getting a new vacuum. Suddenly I see ads for new vacuums. So, I mean, I think that people do know that they’re being sold to. However, it is worked in a very sort of contextual way where sometimes you don’t even notice it. But I have kind of mixed feelings about, I’m getting a little bit off topic with this. But the idea of sort of your social media feed becoming a bit of a bubble, that’s very tailored toward you. It depends on what you’re using it for. But for some people, maybe social media plays a great role in broadening your perspective for other people. I think there’s nothing necessarily wrong with controlling what you see there for ads or for different types of posts. You can block. You can say, I don’t want to see this type of content. You can sort of curate your social media feed to be something that works for you instead of against you. Somebody who has, say, depression. They might want to intentionally remove some of the things that are maybe a little bit more pessimistic. They may want to bring in things that are a lot more that’s sort of positive content. That’s going to help them at least have a tiny boost throughout their day that will inspire them. And I don’t think that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. I think a lot of people feel like there is. So they feel like, oh, well, I can’t just, like, make myself in my own little bubble because then I’m not seeing what’s going on on the other side. It’s a tool. It’s a tool that you can use however you want to. But it’s something that you do have some degree of control over.

Gabe Howard: I know that you talk a lot about fake productivity or false productivity. It’s this idea where you think you’re accomplishing something but you’re not. Can you explain what fake productivity is?

Dr. Robert Duff: So for me, the way that I see this the most is with not necessarily social media, but like apps. There are gazillions of apps out there and they’re all trying to be the perfect tool for this thing, whether it’s a to do list or a calendar app or tracking your period or exercise, whatever it is. There’s a million options for each of those things. And one thing that a lot of people do is fall down this rabbit hole of searching for the perfect tool. Oh, this one doesn’t have this feature. OK. Let’s keep looking. OK. This one has a lot of great features, but not quite. This one was too expensive. And you keep going. Keep going, keep going. Keep going. And at the end of the day, whatever the tool is supposed to help you with, you did nothing related to that thing. You don’t have your to do list made. Your calendar isn’t updated. So you kind of spent a bunch of time going down this rabbit hole of trying to be sold on the perfect tool and didn’t actually do anything with it. And for people who have anxiety. So with anxiety, the thing I would say is that avoidance is the fuel of anxiety. Anxiety tells you to avoid something so that it can keep you safe. And then when you do avoid that thing, it gets bigger and more present. So you avoid more and more and more and then suddenly you’re having a really hard time. And I think that one sort of insidious thing that can happen is that we turn this search for the perfect tool into a form of avoidance. If you’re just planning and looking for the right thing and doing all this top level stuff, you don’t actually have to take action because action is scary. And so you can use that as a form of avoidance and just kind of keep doing this over and over again.

Gabe Howard: But you’re not actually achieving anything. And at some point you realize this. It really does seem like this self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m anxious because I’m productive. Now I’m anxious because I’m realizing I’m not productive. But I can be productive by doing what is effectively nothing. But if I don’t do it, I become anxious. But if I do do it, I become anxious. I just I’m having, like, a really hard time getting out of the feedback loop of what do I do so that I am productive, well-informed. And I don’t have this sudden fear that I don’t fit into society and that I’m just one of these curmudgeonly people on my porch saying social media is going to kill us all. This whole conversation is making me anxious because I honestly don’t know what to do.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, I mean, that’s anxiety itself, though, right? Whether it’s social media or anything else, I think that the thing that the Internet does and social media does is provide like a big sort of magnifying glass or megaphone for those things that are already tendencies you have. The answer is really trying to build self-awareness of your patterns. Right. And especially understanding the way that your patterns interact with these new tools that are available. The best way I think to do that is talking with people, trusted loved ones, your therapist, whoever. Also journaling. That’s like a form of self therapy and sort of self monitoring. OK. Write down at the end of the day, what did I do today and how did it affect me? I spent six hours diving down this rabbit hole of trying to find the perfect tools and all my apps are set up pretty and all these things, but I haven’t done anything. And now I feel bad about that. And I feel anxious that I wasted time and I have less time tomorrow to do all these things, write those things out so you can at least understand your patterns and use that information to adjust your approach. I’m a big fan of using both online and offline things open in front of my face right now. I have an Evernote document with some notes from when you asked me questions beforehand for this interview, I’ll also have my Google Keep, which has like my whole to do list. But I’ve also got a stupid little index card in front of me. If I think of something and I don’t have time to get to the to do list, I’m just going to write it down there.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these messages.

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Gabe Howard: And we’re back discussing anxiety in the digital age with Dr. Robert Duff. I certainly don’t think that the solution here is to cancel all of your social media, never read the news, never get on email, never prepare. Like you talked about the extremes. How does one make sure that they’re staying in the middle? Because I imagine that that moderation, that middle, that average is where the least amount of anxiety comes in.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, I think a lot of it is about sort of setting limits for yourself and having some boundaries with yourself at this point. I think it’s really unrealistic to tell people to say, OK, you’re only allowed to do these actions at this time, like you’re only allowed to engage with social media at this time. That’s kind of pushing against a really strong beast, unless social media isn’t even a big thing for you. There’s plenty people out there with like, oh, well, I don’t have a Facebook it’s not a big deal, but insert whatever it is, checking email, checking the news, what have you. It’s easier, though, to block out times that are sacred, times that you’re not doing that. Actively disconnecting from the world. And I think that’s really important in terms of like especially things like sleep, being able to sleep and turn off for the night. Massively important when you’re dealing with mental health issues, both in terms of memory and learning the skills that you’re trying to work on and build and just giving enough energy to get back out there and fight a little bit of the uphill battle that you’ve been fighting. So I’m a big fan of sort of book ending the day is what I call it. So the beginning of the day, first half hour or so, last hour of the day, disconnecting from the world, putting the phone away. And I really am a big fan of not even having your phone in the bedroom because so many people, last thing they see before they close their eyes is their phone, email or social media feed.

Dr. Robert Duff: Then they close their eyes. If they wake up in the middle of the night, drink water, they’re going to be checking their social media feed again or their email. They wake up in the morning. What’s the first thing they see? They pull that out again. And really, I think that there are very, very, very few instances where that’s going to be a great thing. It could be neutral. It could not affect you very much. And there’s a pretty significant chance that it’s going to derail you. If you’re gonna see something that pisses you off, something that scares you, something that you forgot about for work or whatever, you know, the last thing you need is to wake up in the middle of the night and see a work email. OK, bye bye sleep. So I’m a big fan of in the morning, kind of taking some time before you even pull out your phone. Make yourself some coffee. Take a few deep breaths. Write some thoughts down if you have them. Do whatever you want to do with that and then pull that out. And at the end of the night, focus inward, do some journaling. Like I said, you can do some stretching or foam rolling or deep breathing or just enjoy an off line activity like we used to do in the olden days and try to come down a little bit and disconnect from the world so that you can drift off into restorative sleep, not having your brain running a million miles per hour.

Gabe Howard: When I am in a hotel, when I travel, I keep my phone next to me because it’s my alarm clock and every single time I get up to go to the bathroom, because that phone is sitting next to my bed, I check it. Now, fortunately, 90% of the time, there’s nothing on there. But 10% of the time there’s something, there’s something. And I’m up the rest of the night. And I think that people need to realize this. Now, what do you say to the people who are going to immediately fire back, well, I have to. I have to keep the phone next to my bed because I have teenage children who are out or my spouse works nights and might need to call. I am the emergency contact for my mother or of course, my personal favorite, it’s my alarm clock and there’s just no way around that.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, those are all very anxious responses, right? You know, oh, my God, what if this what if that. There are ways around that. They still make alarm clocks. 

Gabe Howard: Yeah.

Dr. Robert Duff: I have one. It’s really annoying. I have to put it on the other side of the room. So actually physically get up and walk over there. Otherwise, I’ll just turn over and hit it with my hand. So, you know.

Gabe Howard: We may be soulmates. I’ve just, yes, I do the exact same thing.

Dr. Robert Duff: I’ve always had to because my brain will create a scenario where there’s like a nuclear launch happening and I have to hit this button to stop it. And that’s the alarm clock. And so my brain will troll me and it just won’t work. So I have to actually physically get up. But, yeah, they make real alarm clocks, you know, and then in terms of the other concerns about what if there’s an emergency, et cetera, there’s a variety of ways around that. There are things like maybe you have your Apple Watch in the room if you have Apple products, but not your phone. Or you keep it outside the room, but you keep it on do not disturb and you can sort of have your specifications. So if somebody calls you, it’ll ring loudly. I mean, that’s outside the room, but you’ll still be able to hear it. There’s a variety of ways to do it. If you have teenage kids that are out for the night, maybe that’s the night you make an exception and you try to be responsible with it. As responsible as you can, not keep it right next to the bed. But that’s your kind of exception for the week and the rest of the week, you’re not going to have it in there. So you could do a lot with it. And those are usually just sort of knee-jerk reactions. I get that sort of knee-jerk reaction from people a lot, too, when I’m talking about setting limits on social media, even taking breaks from social media, things like this, they say, well, it’s my job. I need to be on it. There’s definitely usually a little more wiggle room than you think there as well.

Gabe Howard: I really feel like this all does boil down to making healthy choices and sticking to them and I really think this is a good analogy that people who say that they don’t have time to exercise and the people that say that they have to be on social media. But, of course, one of the things that you can do to exercise is park at the back of the parking lot and walk forward. You can take the steps instead of the elevator so you can turn off social media during dinner. 

Dr. Robert Duff: Right.

Gabe Howard: Do you believe that finding those tiny little things? Because in the grand scheme, those are small things. But it sounds like you’re saying those will pay big dividends when it comes to lessening our anxiety.

Dr. Robert Duff: I feel like just exercising control over it is a good practice, right? Intentionally putting it away sometimes, intentionally having it out sometimes. If you’re feeling that discomfort, much like if you walk out the door and you realize your phone Psych in your pocket, you get this sense of discomfort these days like, oh, God, something’s wrong. A lot of people feel that way. If they’re not able to immediately check their phone at dinner and they’re feeling a buzz in their pocket or whatever you have, that that sense of discomfort. So learning how to sort of modulate that and do it intentionally, you know, I’m going to put my phone away or I’m going to log off or not check these things for this period of time, at least gives you the flexibility to say, OK, sometimes I’m on, sometimes I’m off. And that’s a practice I think, that people need to need to do. You know, we have all these coping skills, mindfulness, you know, all these different things that that we use in the mental health field. I think that this is just simply another one of those things, sort of like technological flexibility or something. The ability to just decide when you’re on and when you’re off. And that’s a hard thing to do when the structure is designed to make you on all the time. But you need to wrest some control back from that. Otherwise you’re gonna be worn out.

Gabe Howard: I hear a lot of what you’re saying, and I completely agree with it, and I know that making more intentional decisions about our social media and about our use of technology will make us feel better. But do you think that there is a role in that when we’re staring at our phones? There’s often people in the room and those people are our friends, our families, our loved ones. And they maybe don’t feel so good about it. And they’re probably giving us pushback, whether straight up, put your phone down or passive aggressive, well, I’m not going to tell you. You care more about your phone or whatever. Do you think that keeping them happy also lowers your anxiety? And I know keeping them happy is kind of a weird way to say it, but in the beginning, I got a lot of negative pushback from my friends and family, which also made me more anxious. And when I got better control over my phone and social media use, a lot of that went away. Which, of course, made me less anxious.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, I think so. I mean, and also you’re making the assumption that the other person isn’t also on their phone. 

Gabe Howard: Sure.

Dr. Robert Duff: And then suddenly you are just both disconnected, sort of doing parallel life next to each other. Communication is something that is still really important, you know, and you could be communicating with people online. I think that’s valid. But you also need to communicate with people in person. And when couples are having trouble in my clinical practice, a lot of things sometimes I ask, do you guys eat dinner together? Like, do you sit across each other and eat dinner? And often the answer is no. We sit side by side or on our phones, whatever the case may be. And it’s like, OK, well, then you’re robbing yourself of the chance to practice communicating with one another and getting that support from one another. And yeah, I think that definitely accessing the supports that you have and then treating them well is it’s really important. That it’s a whole piece of the puzzle, along with all the other things you might do to help relieve your anxiety. So I definitely agree with you there.

Gabe Howard: I could talk to you about this all day because people seem to be more anxious than ever, people seem to be more disconnected than ever at a time that we should be more connected than ever. But the specific question that I want to ask you really involves a story with my grandfather. One morning, my grandfather comes downstairs, he is staying at my house, and he sees my wife and I sitting at the breakfast table and we’re both on our phones and and he says, oh, this is the problem with your generation. You’re staring at your phones. You’re not talking to one another. You know, in my day, we didn’t have this. We actually talked to each other. And for the rest of that day, I felt a little bad. I was like, oh, my God, this is my wife. I love her. And he’s right. I’m ignoring her. And then the next morning, I come downstairs and my grandmother and grandfather are sitting at the table and my grandfather’s reading the paper.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yep.

Gabe Howard: Yeah. And my grandmother is doing the crossword puzzle, completely ignoring each other.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, yeah.

Gabe Howard: And I said, oh, this is the problem with your generation, completely ignoring each other for newsprint. It seems like it’s very much the same thing. We’ve seen couples sit at the breakfast table ignoring each other since the beginning of time, but it does seem like technology is way more intrusive than the morning newspaper routine. Can you talk about that for moment? Because again, I think it’s one of those excuses. Oh, I’m on my phone, but my grandfather was on his newspaper.

Dr. Robert Duff: Yeah, people have always found ways to sort of disconnect and go into their own world, and I don’t want to place a value judgment on any of this. If they’re happy. These things are only a problem when they’re a problem. Right? If you’re realizing that these things are creating a sense of disconnection in your relationship or creating a sense of anxiety or messing with your sleep, that’s what you need to do something about it. If not, and if you’re satisfied and happy, that’s fine. You know, certainly there are times where what my wife wants to do is sit next to me and be on her phone, not talk to me, because she wants me my presence. But she’s super introverted and just doesn’t want to people right then, you know?

Gabe Howard: I like that.

Dr. Robert Duff: And that’s OK. That’s OK. But when it crosses into interfering with things, that’s, I think, where you need to pay attention. And so this is just the next platform for that and things that you need to consider related to this platform. I do think that the intensity is higher. Right? You’re right. There’s a big difference between having a book or a crossword or newspaper, then having this endless stream of information. And the default is to have all these notifications on, which I don’t think you should have. Where it is just constantly pulling your attention out of the present moment. And I think that in addition to the relationship part, the sort of regular life part, I think that we need to reclaim our ability to do deep work and focus on something without being distracted by all these other things. And so that’s another part where I think that training, that skill of being a turn on and off really matters when you’re having a conversation with someone or when you’re writing a paper or when you’re working on some sort of brainstorming project, you should be able to start that and put the work in without having to be pulled away constantly by these other things. If you can’t do that and it’s kind of messing with your productivity or your relationship, that’s where you need to maybe take a close look at how these things are affecting you and what you can do about that.

Gabe Howard: Robert, thank you so very much. How do people find you, what’s your Web site? Where can they get your podcast? Where are your books? Let our listeners know exactly how to track you down.

Dr. Robert Duff: Sure. So my sort of online persona is it’s called Duff the Psych. So if, a good place to start is DuffthePsych.com/StartHere. That has sort of like my greatest hits. So it has, you know, information about my books, which are called The Hardcore Self Help books. I’ve one about anxiety, one about depression. It has some of my most popular podcast episodes, A TED talk that I did. All sorts of things like that. That’s sort of like a great starting place. And then if you want to reach out to me or connect on social media, I’m on basically all platforms @DuffthePsych.

Gabe Howard: Robert, thank you so much again for being here.

Dr. Robert Duff: Totally my pleasure. Thank you.

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