#I think Cas should be even more off putting actually But I Don't Know How To Do That Yet so we get Eyeball

[elkscreams]

Don't look at me with those big ole eyes! 😤

[drdemonprince]

to the anon who sent me the message that took them 4 hours to draft.

I think your experience both with organizing and disability has probably provoked you to rethink the entire concept of "success" as our culture has defined it, even if you feel yourself still longing for some of the comfort and ease that capitalistic success can seemingly provide (or that we are conditioned to believe it can provide). im not sure what to say that can match the effort your put into your message, in fact i am galled by the fact that i know that i can't match that effort. i don't know how to make sense of the fact that a person who is finding it incredibly difficult to remain connected and engaged during this time, due to disability, has decided that i was worth that level of effort when they don't have the energy to message people they know. i don't think i am worth that effort. but i also respect that mired in all that you're mired in, it's a meaningful gesture toward engagement and connection to even bother writing such a message. i just think in a lot of ways i am a misplaced target for it, because i am a ridiculously privileged and publicly exposed individual who receives dozens of heartfelt messages that he doesnt find the time to respond to every single day. i think if anything that i've written rubs you the wrong way you'd be right to approach it with cynicism. because what the fuck do i know, banging around on my laptop every day and getting paid for it. how dare i lecture anybody about not unlearning capitalism adequately enough. i am one of capitalisms little milking cows. a massive publishing company makes a weekly profit off of me, off the byproduct of the worst years of my life and my worst traumas, as well as the meaning i've made from the scholarship of others.

i'm so enraged for you that you got a debilitating case of COVID (after several other cases) on an encampment, and that now the community you foster at that encampment is not there for you. i am disgusted at how more seasoned activists and organizations have regarded student protestors as disposable this entire year, selling them out to the cops, cutting bad deals with campus administration, and sending them to yellow and red risk level actions without adequate communication and getting them kettled and beat, or else nullifying their efforts with mealy-mouthed talk about keeping things peaceful. i see so many toothless, neoliberal protests happening here, ones that serve only as fundraisers for massive nonprofit orgs, and i also see literal teenagers being dragged right into paddy wagons by the likes of the PSL or the RCP while the Dems deride them and dance to Brat tracks, not even pretending to care the way they unconvincingly did in say 2020.

It's all making me terribly cynical, wondering where we are headed and whether i can or should encourage people who are younger, stronger, more energetic, more pliable, and more vulnerable to me to give up all that they've got for a cause when it's likely gonna be chewed up and spit out and not met in effort by anyone else. i am mournful of the fact that even i can't match that effort. every time i get a message from a friend or acquaintance who is going through some new awful traumatizing event i want to just curl up and disappear, because i can't even keep up with sending compassionate messages to all of them, let alone actually showing the fuck up and doing anything for them. and so sometimes i slip into the disaffected, blunted feeling that once led me as a younger man into libertarianism, thinking that all i can or should do is look after my own wellbeing, and fuck everybody else. and obviously that is a horrible path that is not by any means moral and certainly didn't help me anyway. it felt like we were on the brink of a great paradigm shift of some kind, a collapse of these evil systems, and now it feels like all of that is as far away as it's ever been, and that there aren't enough people with class consciousness and care for one another to make it happen.

i don't know. i think we all have to abandon our dreams of success, of comfort, of saving the world, the fantasies of everything being fine. i think we need to look to our immediate surroundings and our communities. i think we need to ask for help a whole hell of a lot more than any of us are doing, and to recognize that that is a form of helping. i think we need to get small. and remember we are weak animals. and stop thinking there is anything special or chosen about us. and to remember that nature can often be very cruel and that there is nothing we are owed. disabled people already know this of course, we know life isn't fair. we try to do what we can and yet we wake up feeling even less capable the next day, and it knows no logic and the universe remains indifferent to it. but there are people around us who can care, when we ask them to. and ways that we can just be there alongside one another in the muck of it all. not even necessarily making things better. certainly not being a savior and making the pain go away. maybe just sitting in the muck together.

all of which is to say, i am feeling stuck and overwhelmed and useless myself, anon, and i dont have any more answers than you. but thanks for messaging. im sorry people have taking advantage of you. including in my opinion lots of other activists. looking after yourself and not letting people guilt you doesn't mean turning into a conservative. the kind of anarchy that i am embracing right now is one that goes beyond linear change, beyond making meaning, beyond any idealistic visions of the future, beyond even fighting for some kind of symbolic survival. it's just being. none of it has to mean anything, none of it has to be headed anywhere. it just is. there is plenty for you to be bitter about.

[kieran-granola]

Mer! Tim and mer! Jason knocking each other up at the same time by accident and hilarity ensues when people find out

Jason wakes up feeling warm. His tail is hopelessly tangled with Tim's, the two of them cuddled up on a bed of soft algae. He can feel every single one of Tim's slow breaths, the shudder of water through his side gills ruffling Jason's wispy fins.

It's peaceful in a way he didn't think breeding season could be.

A quiet note fills the water as Jason hums in contentment. The sound makes Tim stir. With a smile, Jason presses soft kisses to his throat and cheek — over the bites he left on him at the height of their Mating frenzy. Tim’s eyes blink open. He gives Jason a slow smile before drawing him into a kiss. Their lips move languidly together for a while, rows of razor-sharp teeth hidden away.

Eventually, Jason pulls back. He nuzzles Tim’s nose with his own, before untangling their limbs to stretch his tail. Eyes half-lidded, Tim watches the movement. Then his own song echoes with a surprised warble as his expression goes from languid to pure delight.

“You caught!” he exclaims.

Jason blinks before looking down. It takes him a bit of squinting in the low light before he spots the darker patch of skin on his belly. Hands flying to his middle, he lets out a soft sound. He’s pregnant! He wasn't sure that it was in the cards for him after the Green Waters. He thought that he'd been too damaged, too broken to be the livebearer in their pair.

(…Not that Tim and him didn't give every configuration a try, but that was more a matter of pleasure than reproduction.)

Grinning widely, he tugs Tim out of bed and twirls him in excitement. “We did it! We’re going to be parents!”

With a giddy laugh, Tim wraps his arms around Jason’s neck. Lost in each other’s eyes, they let themselves forget the world, their tails swirling together in a bright flash of gold and red as they dance in joy. Their fins fan in and out to the rhythm of their shared song… until the rumbling of Jason's stomach interrupts them.

Tim laughs as their dancing winds down. “Sounds like I better do my duty and feed you.”

“I want mackerel,” Jason demands playfully. “To celebrate.”

“Aye, aye, Sir.” Tim rolls his eyes as he slings his hunting harness over his chest.

Jason steals a couple of kisses while helping him with the clasps, before accompanying him to the entrance of their breeding nest. Tim gives him one last nuzzle before swimming into the brighter ocean, his staff in hand. Jason watches the light reflect off his pretty golden tail from the safety of their cave…

Right before rushing after him with a gasp.

“Tim!” Jason exclaims as he catches Tim’s wrist.

Tim whirls around in surprise. “Uh, I don't think you're supposed to leave our ca—”

“You caught too!”

Tim freezes. “What?”

“Look!”

Jason puts his hands around the discreet darker spot on Tim’s stomach. Tim frowns, but he looks down. He blinks. Then his mouth falls open in shock.

“Holy shit! How is that even possible?!”

“I don’t know. I have no idea what happened, but obviously it did, and… Fuck. Tim, we’re going to have so many fries!” Jason can't keep the excitement out of his voice, the deep, overjoyed notes of his song joining the clicks of his tongue.

Tim gives him a soft smile. “Yeah. Yeah, we are. I guess that warrants twice as much mackerel?”

“Yeah! Actually, wait. No." Jason frowns. "It’s too dangerous. You shouldn't be out hunting.”

Jason starts dragging them both back to their nest, but Tim resists. “Neither should you by that logic, but we still need to eat.”

Jason scrunches up his nose. He was so caught up in his discovery that he forgot about the practicalities for a minute. Shit. He has no idea how they're going to deal with logistics when both of them will need to be protected, fed, and taken care of while their fries gestate. Unless…

Ugh. Jason looks at Tim. His partner’s face is schooled into a careful mask of neutrality which tells Jason everything he needs to know. Tim has had the exact same idea he did, and he's waiting to see how Jason feels about it.

“I don't suppose you've got a secret uncle who could host us?” Jason tries.

Tim’s lips quirk in amusement as he shakes his head. “Sorry. No hidden family anywhere.”

“Dammit.” Jason sighs, and a torrent of bubbles swims up between them. “You know Bruce is going to be insufferable if we ask him for help, right?”

“Yeah." Tim sighs too. "We'll be safe, though, and our fries too.”

“Ugh. I guess. Fine. You give him the news, though. I need him to work it out of his system before letting him anywhere near me.”

Tim grimly extends a hand. “That's a deal... if you take care of telling Alfred.”

Jason pales, but he shakes Tim's hand. "Deal."

[scoobydoodean]

i know it's compelling in fics for cas to feel betrayed about the jack in the ma'lak box decision but its So weird bc its obvious the moment jack breaks out of it hes like. oh man jack might need to be restrained at least until we can figure out a plan. like his first thought before jack breaks out is "this was cruel of them to do" and then hes like. oh fuck jack might be a threat actually.

like castiel is a complicated character hes on jack's side but by the time god suggests killing jack hes done a full 180 on it.

and when people are like "aiming the gun at jack is just as bad as shooting him" im even more confused bc like. dean aimed a gun at emma and didnt shoot her, even with the safety off. dean aimed a gun at SAM while under mind control/anger spell (talking about southern comfort iirc) and didnt shoot him. dean aimed a blade at cas and didnt stab him. like. its fine for cas to be upset at the god gun thing but its so weird when people act as if cas didnt basically admit jack needs to be stopped/bound next episode.

Cas should have been consulted and had a right to be angry that he wasn't included in the decision. At the same time, part of the reason the whole dead mom incident leading up to this happened is that Cas—yet again—kept something from everyone else so he could make unilateral decisions behind all their backs, so I'm not particularly sympathetic to his frustrations with being excluded.

I also just don't think it was cruel at all to put soulless Jack in a box and I think people should get over it. He was killing people and I care more about that than his feelings about being stuck in a box for all of 20 minutes. I simply don't care and it continuously baffles me how big a deal some fans makes out of this when Jack was going around fucking punishing and killing people in horrific ways for not believing in god on Dumah's orders after Cas suggested to her that Jack was in a vulnerable state due to being soulless and could be molded to do others bidding. Anyway like 20 minutes later, Cas went to inquire about putting Jack in The Cage. You know—the room where Sam was trapped for a year with Michael and Lucifer and where as far as Cas knows at that point, Sam was so badly tortured by Michael in addition to Lucifer that it ripped him apart at the seams?

Fandom's take on the entire thing is so devoid of even the most basic level of nuance or even plain simple honesty (to the point one of my mutuals was sent hate mail for months for nothing more than pointing out canonical facts surrounding the incident). It doesn't even surprise me anymore, because this is a fandom that infantilizes Jack to such an extent that it's been passionately argued to me that Jack should be allowed to kill people when he's angry because he has such Big Important Feelings and simultaneously and incongruously—that Dean shooting Jack to keep him from killing the black store clerk Jack was strangling to death in a rage was an act of abuse. Don't even get me started on gun disk horse that exists beyond that regarding the shooting people with guns show.

[fivie]

I keep thinking about how well grantaire and anna would get along (before she gets re-brainwashed)... i know you've moved away from spn canon with UMW but do you have thoughts on how your characters would theoretically interact with spn characters?

ah yes, the re-brainwashing was very unfortunate 😔

my main headcanon re. UMW characters meeting SPN characters is that if Enjolras and Grantaire met Sam and Dean, based on Enjolras's personality and him having the sword, they would absolutely assume he was the angel of the pair 😂 Dean would probably commiserate with Grantaire about the challenges of hanging out with a socially challenged angel, and Grantaire would absolutely go along with it. Then Cas would show up and be like 'hello brother 😐' and spoil his fun.

I think Enjolras and Dean would butt heads, but Sam and Combeferre would probably get along quite well. I hope the spirit of Victor Hugo can't see me typing this.

Ages ago I actually started writing a little crossover story just for fun but I found it really weird 😂 I don't know if I'll ever write any more of it so I'll put what I have under a cut here if anyone wants to read it lol

(it is definitely not UMW canon 😂)

Grantaire is in a long-abandoned barn in rural Belgium, idly sweeping up the ashy remains of the shapeshifter that had been terrorising the nearby village in the guise of a local cryptid legend, when Combeferre pops into his mind with a bemusing prayer:

Don't come back to my apartment right now.

Grantaire pauses, awaiting further details. If Combeferre were in danger, he's sure he wouldn't bother beating around the bush, so Grantaire isn't overly worried, but Combeferre has never told him to stay away before and so he waits, curious. A minute or so later, an even more bemusing continuation:

Or if you do, make sure you come in through the front door like a human would.

Sometimes Grantaire desperately wishes that the prayer communication line went both ways. Combeferre feels distracted, like there are many other things demanding his attention and he is snatching at quiet moments to send Grantaire fragmented intel. Finally:

Other hunters here.

With that, the pieces slot together. Grantaire personally thinks it would be kind of funny for him to drop in on a room full of Musain hunters, especially the ones who'd written him off as a drunken waste of space years ago, and he could always erase their memories after if it was going to cause problems, but he supposes that Combeferre's solution of just keeping him away for a while is simpler. He finishes his clean up and is just about to return to Jehan's house when Combeferre reaches out again.

Could use your expertise for this. Come back if you're able? But please be discreet.

Grantaire snorts. He thinks he'll enjoy having a conversation with Combeferre later about why it's okay to pretend that he's human to other hunters, but not to Enjolras or Combeferre himself. He's well aware of the difference and the reasoning, of course, but he does like watching Combeferre wrestle with a moral quandary.

Enjolras is here, too.

This last part sounds like a warning, and Grantaire supposes it is, and one he should be thankful for. He braces himself before flying back to Combeferre's building, going up the stairs with pointed emphasis and hoping everyone in the apartment can hear his very normal, very human footsteps approaching. He opens the apartment door, calling out a greeting, and he steps inside and the world stops.

The other angel in Combeferre's living room stares at him, his human face registering only mild surprise even as his luminous true form roils and sparks in shock and alarm and, of course, horrifyingly, recognition. Grantaire stares back for a wild, world-tilting moment, and then he flies in a mad flurry, grabbing Enjolras and Combeferre and taking them to the furthest side of the room, pushing them behind him. Combeferre, who had just expressly told Grantaire to be on his best and most human behaviour, calls his name in confused dismay, and Enjolras is saying something too, demanding to know what he's doing, and there are two other humans here too, making their own noise, but then—

"Hello, brother," Castiel says, and all the humans in the room fall deathly silent.

Grantaire doesn't answer. His hand instinctively twitches to curl around the handle of a blade not currently in his possession. He can feel the presence of his sword burning in Enjolras's coat pocket and he wonders if the split second it would take for him to get to it will mean fiery death for all of them.

Three thousand years, he thinks. Three thousand years he successfully kept his head down, and then Combeferre goes and invites another angel into his living room—!

"Aw no, brother?" one of the new humans repeats. Grantaire doesn't dare take his eyes off Castiel, but the human sounds exasperated. He also sounds American, which raises many questions but also answers the one of why they are all here and not at the Musain. Grantaire can only imagine the Musain hunters' reaction to Americans descending upon their home base. "Cas, are you serious?"

"He's pretty clearly serious." The other human puts himself in Grantaire's line of vision, stepping between him and Castiel with one hand raised placatingly. He's uncommonly tall and more than broad enough in the shoulders to be considered physically imposing by human standards, but his posture and expression are currently extremely non-confrontational—he looks nervous, and sort of concerned. He looks at Grantaire first but then, clearly finding no invitation in his stony face, tilts his head to look past him at Enjolras and Combeferre instead. "So, uh. Got yourselves an angel."

"As do you, it would seem," Combeferre says with measured calm. It's strange to hear him speak English. Out of the corner of his eye, Grantaire sees him take half a step forward and hisses back at him, "Don't."

"Hey, who are you? Do we know you?" the first human says suddenly. "Are you an old douchebag in a new meat-suit?"

"Dean," Castiel says in quiet admonishment.

"What? It's not like we can tell."

"You don't know him," Castiel tells him before turning back to Grantaire. "This isn't necessary. I'm not going to harm you or these humans. You should calm yourself."

"And if you want to harm Cas then we're going to have a problem," the tall human says.

Grantaire makes no attempt to calm himself. "Are you alone?" he demands of Castiel, whose vessel affects a faintly puzzled expression.

"I'm here with Sam and Dean," he says slowly, and Grantaire scowls.

"I mean," he says, "where is your garrison?"

"I no longer serve Heaven, Rachmiel," Castiel says in oddly gentle tones, as if he's just realised why Grantaire would be so horrified to see him.

"Do not call me that," Grantaire snaps with a sharp shake of his head. "You—what do you mean?"

"I am...fallen." There's a strange mixture of pride and shame in Castiel's voice as he says it. "My loyalties were tested and I found them to lie more with humanity than with our brothers and sisters."

"You…" Grantaire's mind, emerging from the initial shock, starts to piece things together, starts to remember. "I saw you. Last year. You were killing angels and humans. Hundreds of them."

"Hey, that wasn't Cas," one of the humans, Dean, starts to protest, while Grantaire hears twin sharp intakes of breath from Combeferre and Enjolras as they apparently make the connection between the God-Monster they'd seen on screen all those months ago and the mild-mannered man standing before them now.

"Look, okay, let's...We didn't come here to fight," says the other human, whom Grantaire assumes, through elimination, to be Sam. "It's complicated, okay? But Castiel is with us. He's not the bad guy. He's saved our lives more times than I can count and—hell, he helped us stop the apocalypse."

"Did he say the apocalypse?" Grantaire hears Enjolras mutter behind him.

"What did you two have to do with the…?" Grantaire looks at the two strangers properly for the first time and feels a fresh wave of hysteria. There is a lot to be read from their souls that he will unpack later, but most pressingly, he can see who they are—what they are. "You're the vessels." His undoubtedly wild-eyed gaze swings back to Castiel. "You're walking around with Michael and Lucifer's vessels? You brought them here?"

"Michael and Lucifer are both in the cage," Castiel says. "I do not expect they will be coming looking for their vessels."

"And they already know that they do not have consent to take either of us for a ride," Dean says with a grimly sardonic smile.

Grantaire's head feels like it's going to explode, which wouldn't kill him but would undoubtedly be very distressing for Enjolras and Combeferre to witness. He wills his vessel to hold it together.

"Grantaire," Combeferre says quietly—even that makes him jump. Combeferre speaks to him in soft, rapid-fire French that the Americans clearly do not understand and that Castiel politely pretends not to hear. "If he's really broken with Heaven, isn't that a good thing? For you to not be the only one?"

Grantaire casts a somewhat tortured glance back at him, not anywhere near ready to accept the idea that running into anyone from his family could ever be good, before looking inevitably back to Castiel, unable to keep his eyes from returning to the perceived threat in the room.

"It is good to see you," Castiel says, horribly earnest. "I believed you dead."

"Yeah, that was the idea," Grantaire snaps. Castiel tilts his head to one side like a confused puppy, a crease appearing between his eyebrows.

"You've been in hiding," he hazards finally.

"Pretty successfully, up until now," Grantaire says.

"Hey, just like Gabriel," Dean remarks. "You gotta wonder how many other angels flew the coop."

"Gabriel," Combeferre repeats in tones of disbelief that match Grantaire's own feelings. "The archangel? He also…?"

"Gabriel is dead," Grantaire says bluntly.

"Yeah, but he had a good run hanging out down here pretending to be a trickster god," Dean says with a smile that suggests not-so-fond remembrance. "What've you been hiding out as? Some other deity?"

There's an agonising sort of pause, and then it's Enjolras who says, not without bitterness, "A human."

Dean whistles. "That's a bold choice."

"Rachmiel," Castiel says, and Grantaire wants to scream. "Heaven will not hear of any of this from me. You and your humans are safe. Please. I—Here."

He puts one hand up as if in surrender while his blade falls from the sleeve of his coat into his other hand. He holds it up, slowly and demonstratively, before setting it down on Combeferre's coffee table and stepping back.

There is a very strange, very awkward moment where Castiel and his two humans look at Grantaire expectantly, waiting for him to return the gesture and disarm. Finally, Enjolras steps forward. He catches Grantaire's eye questioningly and, at his nod, takes Grantaire's blade out of his own coat and lays it next to Castiel's. Dean and Sam's eyebrows shoot up and Castiel gives a slow, considered blink, but mercifully all three of them refrain from saying anything about the matter.

[words-of-wolf]

Having some Thoughts once more.

Specifically thinking about self-policing identity. Obviously policing others is a huge issue in the alterhuman and adjacent communities, but setting up my soap box here to talk about how we internalise the need to police identity.

Putting a cut here because god do I need to stop writing these walls of text that people then have to scroll past for eternity even if they're not interested in reading it asjdkhjksah !!

When I was a teen, I saw otherkin and therians self-policing and I respected them. I thought they were really strong for doing that; I thought it was necessary, and that the only way we could ever be accepted as a community is if we leaned hard into minimising our experiences, making things "palatable". It wasn't a conscious belief, but it was very present.

So that's what I emulated. Any discussion of my experiences, or my feelings, usually would get a lot of reassurances sprinkled in there: "this is just my beliefs", "it's okay if you don't believe this too", "I know this sounds far-fetched", "this is just my internal identity".

I thought that made me sound reasonable and respectable. Maybe it even did.

But nowadays, I see people doing this kind of thing - minimising their experiences, adding disclaimers, policing themselves - and mostly it just makes me feel sad for them. Not in a condescending way, cause I've been there, I know how it feels to believe you've gotta make yourself sound "reasonable" to be respected. But I don't feel respect for that attitude, it just makes me sad.

And now, I'm here growing into a version of myself where I finally start to feel like I'm an adult, and I finally start to feel like I'm myself in a way unhindered by that constant fear and self-regulation, and I can see plain as day how much the self-policing doesn't actually work.

Cause you could present the weirdest, most outlandish identity possible to someone, but if you don't make a big deal out of it they probably won't either. Casual but unapologetic is, I think, the best way to go. You don't always have to hide yourself. (Obviously, take time to judge your situation first, but, same goes for most things outside of "the norm").

But presenting yourself as some vulnerable thing who has to placate any aggression before it even happens - well, that just makes people uncomfortable, and the mean ones will single you out as a target for it more than they'd do with someone who's just kinda "whatever" about the whole situation.

And the same thing goes for if you have an identity that feels weird by alterhuman standards, y'know? Chill but unapologetic will get you far. You'll feel more comfortable in yourself, too. Cause when everything you say is minimised, you can start to internalise that too - and it can make you feel like embracing your identity wholeheartedly is a bad thing, or like your own perception of self should have the same uncertainty to it that your descriptions of it do.

I think... the desire and impulse to self-police and minimise is not something you can just "switch off". But I hope reading this can get the ball rolling for those of you out there who struggle with this in the same way I did!

You don't need to police yourself. You don't need to censor yourself.

Doing this doesn't help the community, and it doesn't increase our standing and validity in the eyes of people on the outside. At best, it does nothing; at worst, it makes us seem uncertain, nervous, and an easy target.

And doing this hurts yourself. It affects things in ways that are hard to even see, but take it from someone who's experienced it: these feelings can pierce so, so deep.

You don't need to apologise for who you are. I don't care how "weird" your identity or experiences are - it's you, it's who you are, nobody can touch that. And if you're genuine about it, people will accept you for it, and sometimes gravitate towards you, even; particularly the others who feel the same way, who are the "weird ones" among the weirdos.

Cause when you're unapologetic, when you're genuine in a way that's not flavoured by fear, you kinda... become a safe space. You create an atmosphere around you that gives other people permission to do the same. To just be themselves, without the uncertainty and fear.

And that's really special! It's important.

[roxannepolice]

This may be stretching the concept of work's intent and possibly conflating it with reader's intent, but I think if you scratch to the absolute bottom of chameleon arch in s3 the ultimate difference between the Doctor and the Master becomes being people oriented vs. goal oriented. Like, if you go beyond the question of "could the Doctor have been something of a bad person* and the Master a good person", and ask "under what circumstances would they be like this", it looks like the Doctor - or, what aside from a body (with all its mind-indepented memories) was left of them in John Smith - was. well. being oriented towards people around him. And. that's what had One go from crotchety man willing to kill over his secrets or even a freaking lighter into the Doctor that is. Meeting all those wonderful companions, starting from Ian and Barbara that would just tell him fuck off you're crossing a line and I will not have it. And no, I don't think it's a matter of "wanting to be liked", but rather seeing "oh my Omega, I actually hurt this person". And in the main story that worked out for good, and in fact I would say that when it comes to "origins of morality" and "how to live" questions, that is the more reliable way to go! But when that same mindset is surrounded by all the bigotry - as well as just living a nice life as it is provided to you! - of edwardian era, it results in... well, obviously, the way to deal with those evil guys is to FITE! and this is what all those teenage boys have been trained to do, should the need call (ah, the hanging cloud of knowledge a need will in fact call them so soon in this two-parter...)! And this... competent. but ultimately underdeveloped through no fault of her own maid needs to just have the distinction between fiction and reality explained to her, the poor thing probably thinks the invention of writing is only to be used for things that are absolutely true... Yeah, punch him.

I use the term "goal-oriented" for the Master, but I suppose I should clarify, because we all know that if it was pure goal-orientation, then there are infinitely easier ways to take over the world that *checks notes* man-eating sofas. Yes, the Master is absolutely into over-convoluted plans to the point where they become a goal in itself. But what I mean is, no, they can't just hang around seeing the universe, they need a goal to achieve, there has to be a point to all this, and survival and power are arguably the two most basic goals there can be, once you scratch happiness as a bit too indefinite. And obviously, that's the exact opposite of "how to live". In many ways its a much more animalistic and base motivation than anything a conscious mind might want. Kind of existence vs. life distinction. BUT? In those last few decades of universe's existence??? Where there is literally no other goal left than survival? Not necessarily your own survival, but rather survival as an abstract concept, survival of ANYTHING? That mindset, combined with brains, makes you the most wonderful person that could possibly be! You're there, doggedly pursuing the only goal left in the universe, putting all of the resources you have left, MAKING ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY OUT OF FREAKING FOOD, and if anyone has any shot at surviving it is indeed thanks to you! There are two apparent contradiction to this (as of course there have to be in a story that's honest and not just making a point). The first is Yana keeping up the hopes of other people even while knowing it's likely false, and the second is him being willing to sacrifice himself so others will reach Utopia. But if you think about it. Both of these things are, in a way, utilitarian. Yes, hope is often framed as the ultimate irrational ideal, but once it's gone from everyone else, then... what is there to do? That's the end to the only goal left. So long as others hope you can get them out, you can go on tinkering just in bloody case. And while giving up your life for others tends to be framed as the ultimate act of good... there's a level at which Yana just freaking calucates himself as the easiest to expend. He's old and tired. The people who managed to reach the silo are either children or young and strong, there's a lot ahead of them. This is cynical and absolutely not the perspective to hold. But. at the end of the universe. This cynicism leads to sacrifice.

THAT IS NOT SAY YANA ISN'T JUST PLAIN NICE AND SHOWING MORE CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER'S FEELINGS THAN THE MASTER IN ANY FORMAT EVER DID! But I suppose when you're goal-oriented and everyone around you literally has no other goals than yours... why not just be kind** indeed?

Yes, there's a great tensimm fanfic about this:

*I admit I think one of the most interesting aspects of John Smith was precisely making him not a good person but hardly the worst man there ever was maybe it's because I've read edwardian era books that makes me think his paternalisation of Martha really wasn't the worst way for a white man to treat a poc even without outright violence. But if he was a really good person then that would just tell you making him give up his existence was bad because he's a good person whereas as it is the question is what makes the subjectively real existence of this particular not very good but not really worse than millions of people like him man that devloped subjectively very real bonds with others more expendable than any other's?

** Gosh my mixed feeling for Twelve, like I love him, he's up there with 2,3,4 and 10 as character-defining for me, but why just why have him always turn out to be ultimately right about his absolute morals, he's kind of the antithesis to time lord victorious, so long as you do the kind thing then there's always an unforeseen ex machina to prove you right, you'll never fuck up REAL bad, a real dilemma is not between making the choice that's subjectively or objectively good, it's between two objectively bad choices once again Simm!Master fell where he stood no less than Twelve.

[endverse-cas-my-beloved]

I personally don't think that whenever there's the "they get with a curse and suddenly they're in the body of another gender" should really ever change the person's attraction, because I think that implies that sexuality is connected to your biology, and that's a load of crap.

That being said, I think that if you put Dean Winchester in the body of a female Dean would absolutely believe this means he's allowed to be attracted to guys now. Like in his mind, he's still straight, because he's female now, and that means he's supposed to be attracted to guys.

Anyways I just think it would be incredibly funny if he were to turn into a girl and suddenly be on Cas and you could not pull him away. Like he wants that dick so bad (he's always wanted his dick) and he's gotta have it before he turns back because when he turns back he won't want it anymore (he's literally just in denial).

Like Cas is over here rushing to fix Dean back the way he should be because he's so worried Dean is gonna go through one of his impending freak-outs because Cas is aware of how strongly Dean feels about his gender and Dean is just nodding along in the way he usually does when he's absolutely not listening to Cas going, "uh huh, yep, so what I'm hearing is your dick, my mouth now".

He genuinely doesn't freak out about being in this body until Cas eventually (he was stopped at least 7 times by Dean's need to have Cas's dick somewhere in him) finds the cure, and then freaks out because he doesn't want to lose Cas and he's genuinely convinced his sexuality is gonna change back with his body.

Cue Cas actually finally realizing what's going on in Dean's head (he was just so happy Dean finally kissed him and he already doesn't understand anything that goes through that man's head so he just assumed he finally did something right) and he just stops Dean's overthinking and catapults him through the seven stages of bi denial with, "Dean if you switch back I promise you I will have your dick down my throat in five minutes".

Dean has that flash through his eyes and can see Cas on his knees already so clearly that he just goes stupid and is all, "yeah, yep, absolutely let's do that."

They're dating from that point on.

It isn't until 3 months in that Dean actually figured out he's bi though, and he only does because Sam remarks on how much happier he is with Cas now and Dean's all, "Yep, I can't even be upset that curse changed my sexuality. If I'd never been hit by it I wouldn't have ever been able to get with Cas." and Sam goes through the seven stages of "my brother is an idiot" and informs Dean that your sexuality isn't tied to your body.

Dean laughs Sam off because he clearly doesn't know how these things work and it's only after he tells his story to Cas later that day laughing as he's getting changed for bed and Cas doesn't laugh and instead tells Dean that Sam is right that Dean accepts it, but instead of having a normal reaction it's just, "You mean I was allowed to suck your dick this entire time?!"

Cas stares at him going through the seven stages of grief because of his boyfriend keeping them from being together because of stupid, heteronormative thinking finally just sighs, grabs Dean behind the neck as he's just about to put his shirt on, pulls him forward and in the most tired voice he has, that somehow is still totally working for Dean, just goes, "Get on your knees right now."

And Dean shuts up in more than one way immediately.

[monstermoviedean]

it's honestly beyond wild how easily dean lets cas off for some pretty irredeemable, unforgiveable stuff with no understanding or even acknowledgement on cas' part of the kind of incredible actual-no-strings gift he's been given (and thrown away, rinse, repeat). i can appreciate the take that it just goes to show how deeply braindead in love dean is (and i might still be able to find the romance in it if there was ever any kind of equal or at least comparable weight on cas' end) but he can do (and has done) (and deserves) so much better! rip!! on a list of all dean's boyfriends ranked in order of how well they treated him cas would come in dead last.. can't even rate him over the ones that tried to kill dean because uh cas has not only done that too but also done that more than most (without even factoring in the mind control) lol wanky maybe but that doesn't make it untrue womp womp

anyway the trap effectively killed many of my charitable feelings for cas and despair took care of much of the rest. i know you're not there yet and still manage some warmth for cas besides (plus my post s15 cas/destiel opinions probably trend significantly more harshly than even the rare and wonderful few who have been openly critical of both that aren't br*nly/c*sties, i can acknowledge that lol) but after the trap and knowing what's still to come, it's very difficult for me to see cas-as-dean's-endgame being a positive thing for dean. that may be what he wants but like please for the love @ him: want better!!! i mean, s6 was tough but also so crunchy and opened the door for a world of (tragically unrealized) possibilities. the shadow that s15 and everything leading up to it casts over all of that is just.. so so long. there's been so many opportunities for cas to be better and he just. wastes them.

i'm so interested to see what your takeaway from despair is because it left me feeling kind of hollow on destiel and deeply skeptical of cas when stacked up against everything else. cas may be in love with his idea of dean but he's proven over and over again that he's either incapable of or unwilling to be and see dean as an equal, loving partner. idk if it's a fault in the writing (feels like a cop out to pin things on that though, especially when cas is actually written fairly consistently compared to most other characters) or just that mc isn't as dynamic/effective an actor as jackles but i find myself less and less convinced of cas' sincerity as time goes on. he's wildly selfish. i think it's far easier to make the argument in canon that everything he's done, including that confession, has been far more selfishly motivated than motivated by any genuine love or care for dean (or jack for that matter). maybe an uncharitable assessment, but not an unfounded one.

what dean says about angel's caring and cas playing sorry in 7x21 and cas insisting he's "a lot like people" to rowena's (very apt) assessment of him in 10x22 are always top of my mind when i try to make sense of cas in the aftermath. he's not sorry, he's playing sorry. he's not people, he's performing people. angels don't have souls and i'm not sure i really buy grace as a substitute but, even if i did, cas' has been waning for a very long time (which i wish had been explored more considering all of the weight the canon puts on having a soul). cas isn't that far removed from donatello who, in his soullessness, turned to mr rogers for behavioral cues. cas holds dean in that role, he's just not especially good at emulating him. or maybe just doesn't understand what it is he should be emulating. all of that to say that i really, truly believe cas wants to feel people feelings (feelings is dean as people is dean as humanity is dean etc etc etc), i'm just not sure if i buy that it's ever more than performance for him.

like fanfic is great, i love fanfic! post s15 fix-its moving further and further away from the "dean pulls his head out of his ass" model is such a gift!! but in actual canon?? ough. cas' very long, very well established patterns make canon destiel a super hard sell for me in a post s15 world. there's no reason to believe that things would ever change because, to the bitter end(?), they never did.

anyway anyway, i'm sorry for using your inbox as a rantbox and i fully understand if you ignore this, i know parts of it might be kind of a powder keg lol it's hard to not be cynical and frustrated by so much squandered potential i suppose, especially when so much of the fandom popular opinions on these things have been just so. bad and wrong. for so long. it's been a relief to see some of those tides turning as more people revisit the source material, though! please just know that i really have enjoyed following along on your rewatch and appreciate how much thought and care you put into understanding this show and these characters. i'm looking forward to seeing where what's left of the journey takes you!

there are some points here i agree with and some i don't, but i can entirely see where you're coming from. i just want to extend some love to you because yeah, sometimes this story is really incredibly frustratingly sad and bleak. also no need to apologize, i love inbox rants <3

i'm publishing this because i think there are a lot of interesting points of discussion about cas and his relationship with dean. blanket statement for anyone who might read it: i am not interested in cas-bashing or anon-bashing. don't do that here. or anywhere, frankly.

to start off: it IS beyond wild that dean lets cas off for some things. breaking sam's wall is the first example that comes to mind. i mean wow, good for dean for being the bigger person and forgiving there, but holy shit.

i'm gonna politely disagree with you on cas treating dean badly. i do see where you're coming from! this is something i've talked about before re: cas actually - that sometimes the way dean treats cas is viewed as poor treatment, but in actuality cas doesn't receive it that way at all. so cas' tendency to put the mission first, for example, is something that dean GETS. dean doesn't feel like cas is neglecting him by doing this. i think there are also circumstances in which cas' actions are understandable, even if i don't like them. and a lot of the "constant apocalypse" problems lead to responses that don't have a real-world equivalent. all that being said, i think one thing cas could fix/address is answering his phone when dean calls him.

on dean doing better - i think people in dean's life could and should treat him better. i also think he loves and cares about those people and would not trade them out, and i respect that.

on cas being better - mixed feelings on this. i totally understand where you're coming from and don't want to invalidate you here or at any point! i think cas is trying to be better. i think he's locked into a pattern where he only sees one option for being better - fixing things / getting wins / sacrificing himself / otherwise protecting dean and sparing dean harm. i feel for him there, i really do. smarter people than me have pointed to heaven brainwashing/upbringing as the reason this pattern exists. so i don't expect him to break out of that pattern, but i do think it's reasonable to wish he had come to recognize that this DOES harm dean. i think cas often believes he knows how dean feels. sometimes he's right, sometimes he's wrong. and in this case while dean can understand why cas is doing what he's doing and respect his decisions enough to not put up a fight about them, it does hurt dean to watch cas walk away into certain danger over and over. it especially hurts when dean has no power in the situation and is left with nothing to do but to hope cas comes back.

so i have actually seen 15x18 and have some feelings about it but i don't want to comment until i see it again. i know i missed a ton of context the first time i watched it (november 6 2020 after not having watched the show in a few years), and i'm interested to see how my interpretation changes!

one opinion i have that i don't think will change: i believe cas' pattern of keeping secrets to protect dean, then having those secrets blow up, causing dean pain and/or causing cas to leave, is not disrupted. i believe 15x18 reinforces this pattern, in fact. and i do not like that. i do appreciate that cas did it for love and he was backed into a horrible corner, and at the same time, from dean's perspective, it's another example of cas leaving.

on cas not seeing dean as an equal partner. hoooo boy, this one gave me pause. i am very conflicted about this, to be honest. i think cas THINKS he sees dean as an equal partner, but i'm not sure he actually does. i'm also not sure he treats him like one. consistently, at least. i think they're equals when they're dealing with "ordinary" problems (monsters, people), but when the problems are angel-level or higher, i think cas thinks he has more ability to solve those problems than dean does. sometimes he's right (cas should be the one talking to michael in 15x08, for example). but not always. and i could see that coming across as patronizing. i want to think more about this one!

on cas' selfishness. this is tough because i think cas is trying to be selfless in a way that comes across as selfish. he wants to be the hero. he believes he can be the hero. he wants to spare others from being the hero. and while that's usually well-intentioned (taking on burdens so others don't have to), it can read as "no one else is capable of this but me." and i think the major problem is that cas looks at things from a 30,000-foot level. he is often less concerned with the ground-level impacts. so when he's, idk, saying yes to lucifer, he's thinking "someone has to and it may as well be me" but he's not thinking "oh shit dean is going to have to watch lucifer parade me around and then kill me." while i understand his reasoning in these high-stakes no-win situations and i'm not mad about it, i do wish he would consider the impacts of his small decisions on others more often. sorry to bring up the phone thing again but it's the best example i've got - it would be nice if cas made it more of a priority to answer his phone when dean calls because it's important to dean, even if it isn't important to cas. it will help dean feel more secure and they will have a nice conversation because they enjoy talking to each other. we have hints of this kind of thing happening but i would like to see it more clearly and consistently. or like. icing sam out during the rupture was pretty shitty. he could have at least texted back. (yes he was in a bad spot, no he doesn't have to respond to sam all the time, but a little 'i'm not dead' text would have made a big difference)

i think "uncharitable but not unfounded" is very understandable. i, personally, believe cas loves and cares about dean. i also could come up with some examples of cas' actions that, regardless of intent, communicate to dean that this is not true. i think if you want to make a case that cas doesn't care, you can. i wouldn't agree with it, and i think there's a better case that cas does care, but i do recognize that the show itself leaves that door open. and it does bother me. i would feel better if cas showed more consistent and obvious care for dean TO dean.

i think cas does confuse/equate feeling guilty with feeling sorry. i think he does both, but sometimes he is playing sorry. i think his defense of jack at the end of s14 contradicts his claims of being sorry, for example. but i'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is actually sorry most of the other times.

on cas' feelings - i see where you're coming from, and i disagree here. i think cas does have feelings, even if he doesn't always know what they are or how to process them. someone (i think ilarual?) made a cool post about cas growing a soul that i thought was a neat idea. but i can certainly sympathize with wanting the show to do more with angels, grace, angel feelings, etc.

i do believe cas is sincere in his care and in wanting to do better, and that's one reason i have faith in dean and cas being able to work it out and be good for each other! i think that's a major difference between our perspectives. and i don't have an answer here, because again, i see where you're coming from. if you're open to it, i might suggest considering cas' actions from a perspective that he's 100% sincere 100% of the time. it might be interesting to try, even if it doesn't change your opinions at all (and you definitely don't have to try it or change your opinions).

one million billion trillion percent agree on squandered potential. there are so many problems we've discussed here that i think could be fixed with attention and goodwill. but will they be fixed? sigh. i don't know. i like to believe so, but cynicism is also a fair response. i think a lot of my feelings come down to this question: if the show had continued, would 15x18 have been a turning point? would it have finally allowed dean and cas to change their relationship? or would it have set it in stone, never to be changed again? i think it's a matter of interpretation. i tend toward the former - that 15x18 would have changed everything and allowed them space to finally get it right - but i can also see why the latter works, especially because the show ending DID set it in stone that way.

it HAS been a relief to see shifts in conversation, and i hope they continue. and thank you so so much for your very kind words! they are not necessary but they are appreciated :) i often feel like i'm just fumbling around in the dark compared to a lot of others, and it's nice to hear i haven't completely mucked it up. also i really enjoyed answering this, so thanks for giving me so much to chew on!

[ceasarslegion]

Yeah acab and stuff but there might be a time in your life when you really do have to call 911 specifically for the police for an emergency, in which case I feel like we need more education on how to do so. And there's no real use in arguing about how we need a better system when you're in that position because this is the system we have and it's your only option NOW, so you have no choice but to use it sometimes or you or someone else might have their lives put at risk. Obligatory disclaimer that yes I know that in certain demographics and areas calling the cops is also a risk to your life before someone takes this general statement as an end-all be-all of my views on the matter.

Anyway when you do have to call the cops you should provide them with as much information as possible, such as:

-who or what is the threat? What are they doing right now?

-what do they look like? Provide as many both identifying and non-identifying features as possible. Height and weight estimate, clean or dirty, what are they wearing. "Red shorts and hoodie" is as much a needle in a haystack in urban areas as "skinny white guy with brown hair about 5'10" is. But if you say "skinny white guy, brown hair, about 5'10", wearing red shorts and what looks from my vantage point as a black supreme brand hoodie" then they actually have something to work with.

-LICENSE PLATE!! If they run off in a car what's the plate?? If it's not your state or province even if you can't tell which one it is it's still more useful to say "I can tell it's not from here but I don't know WHAT state/province it is" because then they know to check other license registries instead of sticking to local ones

-they'll probably have to come back or ca back to take your witness statement. This is pretty standard protocol among most police departments so give them your name and physical description too so they know who to look for at your location or address. In very rare cases you might be called into court if the case snowballs into a proper trial which is why they may ask for your contact info during this. But here at least witness standing is optional so you can tell them if you don't wanna do that.

I think it's because I work in an airport so I'm in contact and work with the RCMP a lot but a lot of the things people are scared about I notice are just gaps in knowledge of how to call when shit hits the fan.

[prettyboybuckley]

For the Valentine’s Day prompts, #4 “There are flowers on the doorstep.” [“Who from?” “I think that you have a secret admirer.”]?

Hi!! Thank you for the prompt! 💞 Decided that this was the perfect opportunity for some Diaz father-son feels, I hope you like it! ca. 950 words, continues under the cut

If it weren't for the incessant ads and banners and everything else that pops up in early January, Eddie could probably forget Valentine's Day was even a thing. 

Don't get him wrong, he can appreciate a bit of romance. He likes the idea of wining and dining someone—maybe the fact that there was never the urge to do that with Ana should have tipped him off much earlier on—and isn't all that opposed to things like candlelight and chocolates.

But Valentine's Day is cheesy and a way for companies to con you out of more money, so he doesn't usually pay much attention to it. Shannon never bought into it either, telling him every year that he shouldn't bother getting her anything, and Eddie gladly obliged. 

Of course, now that he's a firefighter, there is also a fair share of grand gestures or preparation thereof gone wrong in the week leading up to Valentine's Day, and it's hard to ignore that it's a thing. 

Still, he doesn't have any plans for the holiday of love, especially not considering it's a school night, and he has a shift in the morning himself. Maybe he'll let Chris stay up a little longer for a movie, make it a father-son night. 

(continues under the cut)

Christopher brings home a card on the day itself, made during arts and crafts time at school, full of glittery pink and red hearts. 

"Didn't you want to make one for a friend or something?" Eddie asks, stressing the 'friend' in a way that makes Christopher groan and hide his face.

Eddie grins as he tucks the card under a magnet on the fridge, turning back to the stove where he'd been making dinner. Secretly, he's kind of glad that even at eleven, his kid hasn't seemingly shown any interest in girls—or boys—and dating. If it can even be called dating at that age. 

"Can't you just say thank you?" Christopher grumbles, though Eddie isn't sure if he's more embarrassed about Eddie's teasing or that he made a card for his dad in the first place.

"Well, I love it very much, kiddo, and I'm happy to be your Valentine." 

He ruffles Christopher's hair as he passes behind him on his way to get something from the fridge, and his son beams brightly. God, he wishes the kid would never grow up.

Eddie's got his hands full when the doorbell rings, stirring in the pot and unable to step away. 

"I'll get it," Christopher declares right away, without Eddie even having to ask, and he's out of the kitchen before Eddie can react. 

He can hear the front door open, but there are no voices, and Eddie pauses his stirring, wondering what is up. A moment later, Christopher shuffles back into the kitchen with wide, excited eyes.

"There are flowers on the doorstep."

Eddie frowns. Flowers?

“Who from?” he asks, racking his brain trying to think of who would buy him flowers in the first place, let alone leave them on his porch. 

Chris bounces a little on his heels, clearly giddy about the whole ordeal, as he replies: “I think that you have a secret admirer.”

For a moment Eddie wonders how his son even knows about something like secret admirers—and yes, he knows that Chris is eleven, not five, he shouldn't underestimate him—before he realizes that it's definitely something out of the telenovela's the kid watches with Abuela.

Eddie pulls the pot off the stove, sighing as he follows Christopher out of the kitchen to the front door.

"Not sure what there is to admire," he mutters under his breath, putting on an innocent expression when Chris looks over his shoulder with a slightly suspicious look on his face. It wouldn't be the first time Eddie gets scolded about negative self-talk by a pre-teen. He's not sure if he's ready for what that kid will be like when he's an actual teenager. 

Sure enough, there is a flower arrangement sitting on the porch. A nice one, too, because while Eddie doesn't know much about flowers, he can see that these are expensive. 

There is a small card sticking only with one corner from the flowers, and Eddie plucks it out of there with two fingers, flipping it open. There, in red ink, is a somehow both neat and chaotic but above all familiar scribble. 

Dear Eddie, 

Forgive me for choosing to do this the easy way, but it's the only way I'll ever dare to take this chance. You've had my back ever since the day we met, and I'm hoping you'll let me have yours in every way possible in the future, because I want to have and do everything with you. 

So I guess this is me asking, Eddie Diaz, if you will be my Valentine?

Love, Buck

Eddie is pretty sure his heart rate doubles as he reads the card, and he hopes that he's not blushing, though Christopher's scrutinizing gaze suggests that something must be visible. 

Buck is asking him out. No, Buck bought an expensive arrangement of flowers and put it on Eddie's doorstep with a card asking him out because apparently he was scared that Eddie would say no. As if Eddie would ever say no. 

 "Who sent it?" Christopher asks, putting his hand on Eddie's shoulder so he can lean in closer to get a peek at the card. 

"You were right, it's a secret admirer," Eddie replies, closing the card quickly before his son can see Buck's name, and he gets up, picking up the flowers and giving Christopher a subtle nudge to herd him back inside. 

It seems that he's got a very important call to make. He doesn't want to keep Buck waiting, after all. 

From the Valentine's Day prompts list

[stillcominback]

𝚆𝙴𝙻𝙻, 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙳𝙸𝙲𝚃'𝚂 𝙸𝙽: as a lot of you may know by know [ if you've caught any of my previous posts about it ], i'm moving with my parents back to california from texas -- where i've been for about 30 years -- because overall? it'll be good for me. i'm sick of texas for the most part, i literally can't afford to live on my own [ and honestly? i like being near my parents and would just have more security and better quality of life in CA ], and i just think sometimes a change is good!

i've been waiting to see if my job will let me keep my job [ and continue to pay me dirt, even! ] ... all i was asking is that i can live in california and work remote. well, the owner has decided he will not allow me to do that. is there a good reason? in my opinion: no. he's framing it [ in his conservative white man rich business owner brain ] that I'M the one making the choice to move because i could apparently just as easily stay in texas and get my own place etc etc etc. so it's on me! unfortunately, it's just not that simple, but i guess from a guy who runs a family business and has multiple homes, it's just hard to really grasp that concept.

i'm literally so furious and so heartbroken at the same time. i know it's not the best company, and yeah i guess, we can say this is for the best in the end? but that doesn't make it hurt less. i've been there for almost 11 fucking years. my ENTIRE career out of college. through ups and downs, i was always working my ass off and being a great employee ... shining reviews and reputation with literally everyone. it just hurts that that ultimately means nothing when i'm finally asking for something in return. i take the poverty wages, take the working in the office when i hate it for the most part, i've taken having to hear misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, every-phobic thing over the years ... then i ask for ONE thing in 11 years [ that's literally not even a big ask ] and it's a ✨no✨.

i feel so lost. like i don't even know how to be without this job, and as much as people tell me YOU'RE SO TALENTED! YOU'RE SO GREAT! YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING SOOOO MUCH BETTER! i wanna believe it, but my brain just ... doesn't. maybe it's imposter syndrome or just how fucking down on myself i feel right now. i still appreciate it because i literally don't know what i would do without my friends and family's support right now like ... even if i can't see it for myself, it means the literal world to me.

plus sides [ i guess ]: i should be able to keep my laptop [ but i'll lose adobe cc so ... i may need some recs or help on how to at least get photoshop cause idk how i'll carry on without it lmao ]; my manager who is a literal saint and one of the best people i know [ she actually pissed the owner off going to the mat for me lmao "he doesn't like to be questioned" ... insert the biggest eye-roll of my life ] ... but she said she would help me with literally everything from linkedin to my resume to a portfolio, and i know that'll be like everything to me while i just .... try to navigate all of this ON TOP OF trying to move.

ALSO: i think i can work until i leave, if that's what i want to do ... i'm still trying to figure all of this out because honestly? even though it's not much? i need the money. but then i'm also like i don't wanna do the owner any favors by having me work while they maybe start putting out feelers to replace me, yknow? BUT THEN AGAIN, i'm hurting my boss more than him [ and that's the twisted, frustrated thing about all of this ... it hurts us way more than it does anything to him but he still gets to make the choice for us ]. SO! i dunno! i may just use all my PTO and see how far that gets me lmao but i feel like at the end of the day, i have to look out for myself and maybe just trying to pull in as many paychecks as i can [ since we also don't have a hard 'we're moving!' date at the moment ] is the best idea ... even if the idea of going into the office and acting normal like literally makes me so ... 😤 but i dunno! my brain is a mess! afjhksdfda

SO YEAH. i just wanted to update you guys because i do consider you friends. whether we talk a little or a lot, i appreciate all of you so much and just wanted to keep folks in the loop with where my life and my head's at right now. not the best but ... just trying to keep it moving. honestly nooooo clue when writing is gonna happen here again??? i do miss / enjoy the distraction of plotting and talking about all this stuff so don't be shy, i just don't know when i'll have the time or capacity to just write here [ maybe once we move and stuff settles a little bit? ] -- but yeah, in the meantime, please come chat with me, let's plot dynamics and all that shit because it still makes me so happy and lets me take my mind on a little vacation lmao love you all, truly! ❤️

[macaronienthusiast]

Some friendly advice: like 80% of the posts about spn on here are straight up wrong 😭 like im not even convinced half the fandom have watched the show. is it sexist? I mean yeah but so is literally every other show that started in the mid 2000s (some seasons are better than others so it's 50/50 and there are some genuinely very good female characters - yes ones that don't die as well). their handling of queer characters is also not actually that bad, there are several recurring queer characters and cas is also a main character from s4. some of the queer characters even live! (which is saying something tbh because they kill off most of the cishet characters too lmao). imo the network censorship is 10x worse than the way the actual writers handle queer characters, as there are 4 queer writers that played a major role in the writing and production of the show (Steve Yockey, Bobo Berens, Robbie Thompson and Eric Charmelo)... I'm not saying it's perfect or even brilliant, since a lot of the episodes do come off as a bit outdated now, but anyone who acts like it's an abusive relationship doesn't actually like the show and is putting themselves through pain they could avoid if they just watched a different show.

Headnote, sorry this post was massive but I hope this clears my opinion up!

Very valid, my post is mostly in response to the post (will link if found) where someone mentioned that even if two men are dating they never say they are gay and they never refer to queer partnerships as "gay" which to be fair can be a bit of a nitpick but I've also heard SO MUCH about the writers writing something very explicitly queer in and then the producers & execs watered it down for the network, Granted I should have put less heat on the writers for that but regardless the show is a product of its producing team and if the producing team, including the network, butchered it, then the show was butchered. What we see is what we have. I'm not going to watch a show where every 4 seconds I have to go "hm that wasn't great but I do know that it was hypothetically better than this in a never-released, arguably nonexistent state."

Also I love lots of 2000s media but don't let it get away with sexism, transphobia, homophobia, racism, etc. just because it's a product of its time. I criticize Friends for its poor handling of fat people and Chandler's MTF mom despite still loving the show and rewatching a season or two every fall––def didn't mean for the post to be like "If u like a show that ever handles a topic badly that means ur cancelled" bc that is a piss take. Just like. The more consistent it is the less of a pass I give it. If there are 4 episodes where someone is like "Chandler's dad is a woman!!!" I'll be like ehhhhh but keep watching but when it's 15 seasons of "ooh I wanna squeeze this possessed woman's big honking mommy milkers my hands are so hairy form jerking off" I just can't stay into it (which again, haven't seen much of spn so people's criticism of it could make me think this happens more than it does).

The post this is in reference to was kind of about how many fans of supernatural are fans of what it could be and not fans of what the show is actually like. Granted I know many parts of it are good otherwise it wouldn't have such a massive fanbase! Didn't mean to drag a lot of people's fav show too hard!! I'm sure there's much to love about it.

[card-queen]

15 Questions Tag

Super duper thanks for the tag @maskedemerald

Rules: Answer the 15 questions as your OC or yourself. Tag up to 15 people.

Tagging: @raichana @kyuponstories @aptericia @the-down-upside-finch & @mister-writes

Teach me more about your characters! Please!

Also, my answers are gonna fudge details because some of these questions are not suited for fantasy projects!

Are you named after anyone?

CAS: Aye, Castowen the Brave. Naming kids after folk heroes is pretty common where I'm from. CONORIC: I cannot answer for my real name... my birth name, but apparently Conoric is the name of a folk hero from the same tales as my brother. SARABONNEY: I should hope not! In the ancient customs of my forefathers, my name translates to 'dead flower' to confuse evil spirits. Everyone's got names that mix good and bad things. HUGHWEN: Not as far as I know. There's only one Hughwen Shelborne. GWYNNEN: I believe a great-grandfather on my mother's side. FRYSZKA: Not that I am aware! I have many names that were sponsored by relatives but to my knowledge, I am the only Fryszka I know of! PENTOS: I cannot see that is any of your business.

When was the last time you cried?

CAS: Not since my mother was still around, Lady keep her. That woman could brings tears from a statue! CONORIC: I cannot recall. (He can) SARABONNEY: A long time ago, probably. I'm not so easy to startle, you know. And besides, why does it matter? HUGHWEN: Oh, I can't tell you that! It's a good story though! GWYNNEN: I don't know if it was the last time... but it certainly is the time I remember the strongest. It was the day I decided that I needed to change things. FRYSZKA: Ooh, I'm afraid quite recently. I can be quite tearful! PENTOS: I do not believe that I... cry. (He is correct)

Do you have kids?

CAS: No, not me. If thing'd gone differently, I'd probably have 2 or 3 by now but... my calling was elsewhere. CONORIC: No. Someday... perhaps. But no. SARABONNEY: Are you joking? I've got my hands full with all my brothers and cousins! I don't think even I could handle any more mites running around needing attention! HUGHWEN: (chokes) I... cannot say for certain. I certainly cannot rule that possibility out, if you understand my meaning. GWYNNEN: Not as yet but... I have my eyes on a certain lady... so perhaps someday..? FRYSZKA: No, but when that time comes I want to have so very many! Especially girls! (she trails off, daydreaming) PENTOS: I cannot imagine anything more repulsive.

Do you use sarcasm?

CAS: Not likely. That kinda talk is liable to land me in some pretty hot water. Not that I need the help, mind you. CONORIC: No, I find it rather tiresome actually. SARABONNEY: I don't... mean to, but... people can be so frustrating. You must understand, I know it's frowned upon and all, but some days being sarcastic is preferable to... the alternatives! HUGHWEN: Does a bird have wings? ;) GWYNNEN: I find that I sound more flippant or sarcastic when faced with challenges and challengers who test my patience. FRYSZKA: Sometimes! If the spirit takes me~ PENTOS: What do you think?

What’s the first thing you notice about others?

CAS: It's hard to put in words... Generally, how they carry themselves. There's a lot to take in about a person when you first meet them. CONORIC: Where they look, if they make eye contact and that sort of thing. People often look towards that which interests them, giving me ample time to study them. SARABONNEY: I think I notice their eyes first. I tend to look there and... I dunno, I guess I just get a feel for people! Especially if they match my gaze! Which isn't all that often actually... HUGHWEN: Oooh, I shouldn't say.... All right, if you insist. I notice where they keep their money... and typically how much of it they carry. GWYNNEN: Their posture, especially their hands. In my line of work, it helps to be ready for any kind of trouble... even from the most unsuspecting of souls. FRYSZKA: They're outfit! You can tell a lot about a person by how they choose to present themselves, you know! PENTOS: Voices. They often draw me out of my thoughts...

What’s your eye colour?

CAS: That kind browny-orange that a lot of Ethelians have, right? CONORIC: They're a kind of dull red, I suppose. SARABONNEY: Oh, they're orange. Do you like them? HUGHWEN: They're orange, wouldn't you say? GWYNNEN: Dark brown. A strong Ethelian colour, or so I'm told. FRYSZKA: They a shade of pinkish red! In my native tongue, it's called 'py' and it's a colour that symbolises life and passion! Beautiful, isn't it? PENTOS: Amber, I suppose you'd call it. I really do not care.

Scary stories or happy endings?

CAS: Happy endings. If a story doesn't end well then what's the point in reading it? CONORIC: It really depends on the story. SARABONNEY: Are those my only choices? That's not very many... if pressed, I suppose I'd have to say 'scary' stories. If it all ends too happy that it just feels... I dunno... fake, I guess. HUGHWEN: Who doesn't love a happy ending? GWYNNEN: Happy endings all around. FRYSZKA: Ooh! Ohh! I have to say both! I love happy endings, especially in romance stories... but I also love being thrilled, scared and sad... especially in romance stories. I think I just romance stories. PENTOS: I prefer text books. I have no time for children's stories...

Any special talents?

CAS: Like all Ethelians worth a penny, 'm a pretty good cook. CONORIC: Nothing to boast of, I'm afraid. SARABONNEY: I know my way around all the plants and flowers in my neck of the woods. And if you've been there, then you don't need me to boast about how impressive that is! HUGHWEN: Coin tricks and gambling, mainly. Although, if you ask some of the women I've know, they might be able to add to that list. ;) GWYNNEN: I count myself as a skilled horseman. FRYSZKA: Well, I don't mean to brag, but I know my way around any marketplace and know all the typical prices of fabrics, jewellery, food and luxury goods off by heart. I'm really quite dependable! PENTOS: I have many. I was raised to be highly efficient. I know all the plant-life that grows naturally on the Eastern continent, I'm fluent in all known languages and some ancients ones (he continues on and on)

Where were you born?

CAS: Walbury, in Ethelia. It's a big town with too much going on. CONORIC: In a manor largely devoid of anything I care to remember. SARABONNEY: The tiny village of Asterwood just off the Bear King Forest. You probably haven't heard of it, it's not on many maps... HUGHWEN: Can't remember. GWYNNEN: In the manor of Canbury in the north of Ethelia. There's no place quite like it. FRYSZKA: You must'nt think ill of it, but I was actually born in Sal Rega, in Santcria. I know that all that place is known for is those poor 'Children of Sal Rega' but honestly, there is more to my home town that just tragedy! PENTOS: Kyros. You'll need permission for anything more specific.

What are your hobbies?

CAS: Woodworking and whittling. I'm pretty handy with a knife. CONORIC: I find reading quite comforting and I've been quite taken with writing down my thoughts of late. SARABONNEY: Oh, I love to cook like any proper Ethelia, but I also like to do pottery and art. I design all my jars and pots myself! (she proudly presents some of the ugliest looking pots & jars known to man). HUGHWEN: Gambling and spending money. The same as any right thinking man, don't you agree? GWYNNEN: I'm afraid I have little time for hobbies these days. My work is my life. FRYSZKA: Just a little pursuit of mine to create perfumes! I haven't made anything yet... I'm, um... studying. (she has, she is not, and the reek). PENTOS: (scoffs) You mean besides filling in asinine surveys? I suppose card games for one would count as a hobby, yes?

Do you have any pets?

CAS: Can't say I ever have had a pet. I'd love one though, a great big scary thing. CONORIC: Not unless you count messenger birds. SARABONNEY: Well... Steen's not exactly a pet, but... I do feed him and take care of him. Steen's more of a helper... he pulls the carts for me when I got to town, but... well, he's the closest thing I've got to a pet. HUGHWEN: Never had time for pets. GWYNNEN: Indeed. My household has always kept dogs. My own dog, Bron, is as eager as puppy despite getting on in his years. FRYSZKA: I have an albino snake that I take with me everywhere, her name is Petrissa! She's so tiny, sometimes I forget where I put her! PENTOS: No.

What sports do you play/have played?

CAS: I used to play a lot of street games when I was a lad but now that I'm grown, the only sport I lay claim to is the sport of Monster hunting and prying squabbling farmers apart. CONORIC: None, I'm afraid. My condition makes me rather... ill-suited for such activities. SARABONNEY: We didn't really have sports growing up... I think we just made up rules for games we only knew the names of! HUGHWEN: There's a Mizani pastime of throwing knifes and darts at targets. It's not gentlemanly to brag, I understand, but I hold a few records in some cities across the sea. GWYNNEN: Horse-racing and jousting. Not the best but by no means the worst either, mark you! FRYSZKA: Ahaha, oh dear no. I was far to inflexible and clumsy for sports. I have always enjoyed watching them though! PENTOS: Sports are a fool's activity.

How tall are you?

CAS: (He checks) So... 175cm... what's that? Like 5'9''? CONORIC: 163cm at last count. SARABONNEY: I'm 161cm, which I know is short but honestly, I can manage just fine! It's not my fault everyone else is taller! (she is of a quite average height and will not hear otherwise :/) HUGHWEN: Guess? ...no? What a shame... I'm 177cm. GWYNNEN: 185cm by my reckoning. Quite tall for an Ethelian or so I've heard. FRYSZKA: Me? I'm just a tiny little 154cm! And I truly love it! PENTOS: I am exactly 195cm, which, I believe, is 6'5''.

Favourite subject in school?

CAS: What makes you think I had a favourite subject? (laughs) I was a rotten brat of a student, never paid attention to a thing! CONORIC: History, I gather. I was rather reclusive in my studies. SARABONNEY: I'll tell you now, I wish I was reading. Would've made my life a whole lot easier... but no, I believe I was most interested in art and cooking. HUGHWEN: Oh, I found learning about chemistry quite fascinating. Do that surprise you? GWYNNEN: History and law. The two go hand-in-hand, I feel, and have shaped a lot of what irks me about that way things are today... FRYSZKA: Mathematics! Oh, I love numbers so much! It's so reassuring to have something so unifying across all of the world! PENTOS: (scoffs) All of them. The pursuit of knowledge is not something one can simply put half their heart in.

Dream job?

CAS: Oh, a dream job, is it? I think if all things settled down then I'd like to keep my duties as a Castleguard Captain. Feels good to help others and prepare the next generation too. CONORIC: I really haven't considered what the would even be... SARABONNEY: I'm not sure... I just know that I haven't found it yet. I want to do something that keeps me active, learning and helping others. Suppose that applies to a lot of jobs, doesn't it... HUGHWEN: A rich drunk? That counts as a dream job, wouldn't you agree? GWYNNEN: I once held lofty ambitions of being a county judge... a way to enact change and make life better for everyone... Ah, but these days I think I would settle for the job of beloved husband and father. FRYSZKA: Oh, you know what I would truly love? I would love to own a dress shop by the sea! PENTOS: Botanist. Thus, my studies.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas, idk if this matters to the what I'm gonna say because I am not planning this in the slightest but it's talkative mom anon.

My brother's not helping and I don't have anyone else to talk to rn so... is that sad? I feel like that's a bit sad.

(Just a bit of a warning I talk about a relative passing away a lot in this)

Anyway I wanted to vent about this specific thing that I remembered that still makes me so angry.

So basically my grandmother (on my moms side) passed away around 2 years ago. Actually yesterday was her birthday. Anyway, I live abroad and she died before we could get back to the US, so I didn't get to say goodbye. Which crushed me. I was very close to her. She was one of my favorite people ever.

So we went back to the US for the funeral which meant I was missing the first 2 months of school. But instead of letting me take those two months to process my grief my mom made me do school online. Which meant that

1. I was the only person in my entire class that was online and

2. I was doing school from 8 pm to midnight because of time difference. (She only made me do school for half the school day so I should be more grateful 🙄)

Neither her or my dad worked online or otherwise the entire 2 months we were there. I think I remember her making me do school the night of the funeral as well (like wtf).

It didn't help that my dad got an air bnb that was in the basement of a person's house who was living there, on a farm, had cockroaches, was a 30 minute drive from our relatives, and had 2 bedrooms which meant I was sleeping on a pullout. Which is completely fine for a week or 2 but it was 2 months without a room to myself. My bed was right in front of the bathroom so if I was asleep (after midnight because school) my brother would climb on my bed and wake me up to get to the bathroom. Again that was fine. What pissed me off was that as soon as I was awake I was expected to put the pullout away so i didn't inconvenience my parents. If they found me awake and still in bed in the morning then I wasn't allowed a bed anymore and had to put it away.

So I didn't have a room, was being woken up by my brother every night, and wasn't even allowed to lay in bed for 5 extra minutes while doing school until midnight while my parents weren't working at all, all while grieving my grandma I didn't get to say goodbye to.

I would also like to mention that I don't like physical touch from people sometimes and my parents (specifically mom) like to make fun of me for it. And for a year after my grandma died when I told her I wasn't comfortable with hugging right now she would guilt me into hugging her because "I can't hug my mom anymore so you have to hug me" when I was still processing and grieving over my grandmas death.

Sorry for rambling. Again. Thank you, your answer to my last ask was so kind and helpful.

Hi hon!

Honestly, it sounds like your family has a bit of trouble with boundaries and with respecting your needs. I'm so sorry that's happening, I know how invalidating that can feel.

Remember that just people that's happening, it doesn't make your feelings or needs any less real or valid. You also have a right to (respectfully and kindly) say what you need. Because these are adults acting this way, this can be scary and you need to be respectful, but you can say, for example, "This is my body and I have a right to say I don't want a hug right now. It's nothing against you." And then you don't have to feel guilty when your mom reacts negatively. Her feelings are HER problem.

It's okay to set boundaries. It's actually very healthy.

[bunbeeplays]

The Lemon Legacy: Generation 1, Chapter 78 - Skinny Legend

It's been a stressful couple of days but Ophelia keeps on truckin', just like always. Between playing with the band at The Lemon Drop and wedding planning, Ophelia's had a lot on her plate, but she knows it'll be worth it.

The gym's been a great place for her to blow off steam.

Xander hasn't exactly been much help with wedding planning. Ophelia gets he's busy since the bar opened, but even during their down time, when she's asked for his opinion on decorations or venues, he's mostly said things like "Whatever you want" which is nice, but not helpful.

Ever since she discovered her active trait, Ophelia can't believe how much she's been working out lately. All that crap about exercise giving you endorphins is actually true. Plus, if she's at the gym, it means she doesn't have to worry about floral arrangements or cake flavors.

It's a new morning and Xander is hairier than usual.

Ophelia: You don't usually let your facial hair get that long.

Xander: Guess the settings in CAS reset because it didn't used to grow. Maybe I'll grow out a Father Winter beard for the wedding.

Ophelia: Please don't.

Marshmallow isn't pleased with her breakfast and decides to eat people food.

Ophelia: Dang it, I've told her a thousand times not to do that! It's like she thinks she runs this place!

Xander: That's because she does.

Marshmallow: thank you for understanding, father.

Xander: Lemme talk to her.

He puts on his sternest expression.

Xander: Marshmallow Anastasia Lemon, you stop that right now or I'm not making you anymore Misty Fresh Pet Confections.

Marshmallow: very well, father. you have won this battle, but you will not win the war.

Ophelia: Nice work there.

Now maybe she can actually get somewhere with getting Xander to help with wedding planning.

Ophelia: I've found a couple of venues in our budget. We can tour them on your day off if you want!

Xander: Ah, I don't care, babe. Just pick which one you like best and we'll make it work.

Ophelia: Oh… Okay.

Xander can't believe how easy it is to plan a wedding!

Xander saying "I don't care" echoes through Ophelia's mind over the next few days. She knows he probably didn't mean anything by it but how could he not care where they get married? It's like he doesn't care about the wedding at all!

Ophelia works out to stop thinking about it.

Why does SHE have to do all the work? Xander might be a business owner now but Ophelia's constantly performing at said business, not to mention working on her own original music. She almost feels guilty for feeling angry at him. It's not like she's told him she's frustrated.

Ophelia showers and changes, but does a double take when she sees her body in the full length mirror.

She wasn't trying to lose weight, but all that exercise clearly did more than just relieve stress. Ophelia's never been this thin. She barely recognizes her own body.

Despite her mother's comments growing up, Ophelia has always liked her body. Part of her feels sad, like she's conformed to society's expectations of what a female Sim should look like. But hey, this is the only body she's got, so she'll love it no matter what it looks like.

The next day, Ophelia hangs up one of their engagement photos. She loves how she looks in it, even if it was hard to find poses where Xander's hands didn't clip through her butt.

Despite the changes in her body, Ophelia knows she'll love their wedding photos no matter what.

Xander sneaks up behind her, wrapping his arms around her.

Xander: You look gorgeous in all those pictures.

Even if he hasn't been the most attentive about the wedding planning stuff, he has caught on to how weird Ophelia feels about how different she looks now.

Xander: Come here. You know I love you no matter what size you are, right? There might be less butt for me to squeeze, but I don't care as long as it's your butt I'm squeezing.

Ophelia: Be sure to add that to your vows.

Xander: Sorry, I forgot what I wanted to say and panicked.

Xander: My opinion on your body isn't relevant, but I just noticed you've seemed off since you lost weight. I thought a second opinion might make you feel better.

Ophelia: It does. Thanks, sweetie. My body's probably going to change a lot over the years, especially after kids.

Ophelia: You'll still love me when I have a mom butt and saggy boobs and stretch marks, right?

She strokes his cheek. She knows that gets him weak in the knees.

Xander: I'll love you even more.

Ophelia: Good answer.

Now if only he could be this insightful about the wedding.