#I talk wayyyyy too much
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sometimes I feel bad for the sun warriors that had to watch Aang and Zuko bicker over sharing a flame (and stealing a golden egg prior to that) and who were probably thinking :
“okay so the fate of the whole world is in the hands of the avatar and the future fire lord. who happen to be two idealistic audhd. fuelled by big dreams and big feelings. with way too much hope. and absolutely no idea on what they are doing. great.”
#aang#avatar aang#zuko#fire lord zuko#atla#avatar the last airbender#shitpost#aang & zuko being my fav sillies as always#this episode will forever be my comfort episode#like wym I get to see 20 min of Aang and Zuko being awkward besties ?#atla book 3#neurodivergent hc#autistic zuko#but also autistic aang#and ig adhd zuko and add aang ?#they’re both audhd in my mind <3#I talk wayyyyy too much
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my desire to use normal sized text because i love the way it looks is doing serious battle with my desire to only have daryl's dialogue be normal sized rn
#i love having his dialogue be the only normal sized thing because it allows his words to stand out more#he doesn't talk a ton in the first place so i feel like it kind of adds to the experience when his dialogue stands out that way ??#does that make sense ?? but at the same time i lovvvve the way normal sized text looks...#BUT. ALSO ? i tend to write so much that i feel like normal sized text would be like. wayyyyy too much on the dash#sigh...... just lil formatting things yknow ??#they're hugging in minecraft! ( astraea )
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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*Ruby Spears Protoman voice* "Aw, don't get your NUTS twisted, Wily! I'll go blow that little blue bitch to smithereens!"
#titi talks#mega mumbling#megaman#ruby spears mega man#protoman#hold on i need to go see if the va is still alive#also did u know wily and proto share a voice actor?#he was having wayyyyy too much fun voicing them#*wily voice* PRRRRROTOMAN
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Gooooooooood morning I just woke up at 3 in the afternoon how are we doing today?
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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sometimes i think about how (if i’m remembering right) the later seasons were planned to be good or at least better than they were but they decided against it for some reason and it all ended in keith getting a wolf who had teleportation powers rather than shiro getting teleportation
#lemme see if i can find the post talking about what i mean#txt#yknow as much as we love keith now he was wayyyyy to favored by the writers in the show#he got way too much screentime and character development which fucked over everyone else
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All of these annoying lisex songs on the new album will still never take glitter & crimson being written by Jalex together away from me
#I like the new album#I’d rate it a 7/10 probably#but it’s not one of my favorites#maybe it will be someday but it’s got wayyyyy too much lisex for my taste#kalina talks#Jalex
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literally don't listen to the oh hellos valley album if thinking about sam winchester makes u feel anything because those songs are so fucking samcoded it'll tear ur heart out
#listening to second child restless child like 😐😶#IN MEMORIAM BUT INSTEAD OF A SON RETURNING TO A FATHER.#it's well. you know.#I actually related some of them to cas but those two are like 🤞#WISHING WELL??? OUGHHHH#i made mistakes do i even need to delve#that entire album can go into a Sam playlist unedited#if u can't tell I'm currently crying listening to this album ATM#i don't talk about sam enough but if i cared about him less i could talk about him more#but srsly the thing about sam and cas is that they do both want salvation. some forgiveness.#assurance that they're not some broken evil thing meant for nothing more than proving time and time again that that's all they'll ever be#and that assurance hinges on dean wayyyyy too much but that's another conversation#monstrous. other. that's THEM and they ache with want to repent but. how can u repent unless u change?#so sam attempts to mold himself into a normal shape stuff his self into a cardboard cutout of what he THINKS is correct#and we know cas is like is a drawing is done and then someone hit the erase all button over and over#but once he escapes the lobotomies he is still trying to be something else to some extent. he couldn't be a good angel#so he tries to be a good human but he can't even achieve that much so he's left looking in from the outside and#tells himself it's not that cold out anyway that this suits him better#does dean know why cas lingers at the doorway. does he know that sam is scraping at his walls fit to burst.#anyway the whole world would benefit from a more fleshed out sastiel relationship regardless of what kind#im in my feelings rn sorry for spn posting do u still think im hot :/#cee's bullshit
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YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
tbh i might be demi but that still counts imo
HAPPY ACE WEEK FUCKERS
#BLAKE ILYYYYYYYYYYYYY /p#this is the best thing i could possibly see after my mom told me it's not normal to never have sex#i almost went “asexual people exist??? also demisexual people???”#and then remembered i was talking to the woman that shit-talked genderfluid people and said my generation has “too much time on their hands#the day i was gonna come out to her as genderfluid#but genuinely#the idea of sex is both scary and slightly disgusting to me#wdym you let people see you undressed???#and let them touch you???#no thank you#ik this might change later but never in my life have i wanted that#okay i yapped wayyyyy too much#i'll stfu now sorry#also “Rat the Cishet” will never not make me laugh#reblogs#replies#moots
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of the remaining ppl in my life that i love i better be the first person to die bc bruh i dont think i can take any more of that shit
#no ones dead *knock on fucking wood*#real ones know what happened the last time i said that#but like GOD suddenly im alone for like iunno a day and we are back to square one...#also my knee hurts#surgery has killed my mental health in a way i didnt think it would#anyway its 5 fucking am i need to sleep what even is taking care of yourself lol i dont know her#alex talks#time for me to not listen to my doctors orders and do wayyyyy too much PT bc i want my fucking leg back
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#today has been. such an insane day I dotn even know where to start#there is so much on my mind about my panrets and my sister and my friends and#im drunk rn btw. which explains everything#but I just dont kno whow to even begin to unpack how im feelin#I dont know where to start#I feel like im a million miles from all my friends because I AM (physically) (emotionally)#and I feel like im a million miles from my parents because I AM (emotionally)#I feel like im a million miles from help#ive been looking into residential programs and my therapist has supported this but I just have no idea how id approach this idea to my pare#parents.#bc I have in the past and like.#idk I just keep replaying this fucking memory of me showing my mom a hospital and saying “this looks like somewhere good for me"#and her saying “for your sister?” <- or smth like that. its been a year#im just. sad. all the time and especially when im drunk#me when the depressant depresses 🤯 aint no wayyyyy#but yeah its crazy how my parents are too tired to start shit to point out the obvious self harm scars ive gained since january.#shocker!!! <- this is a pattern#my parents love ignoring my self harm#im just so tired#im so tired#this is going to be a really hard summer I really need people to check in on me. hopefully#ill do what I can do talk to other people#also the urge to buy a pack of cigs is so fucking strong. I miss weed. I miss anything thats not fucking alcohol. I hate it!!! and yet#ironic my dad gave me his 30 days sober coin as a gift and now im drunk off my ass#also my ex texted me today im normal about that too. fuck that guy fr#anyway. idk. I havent showered yet tonight but I know im gonna regret it when I do. im just so sad and tired and done#its not even relapsing if ive been conisistently self harming for the past 6+++ months lmao I need to stop lying to myself. but I wont#im just tired. I want a hug. I want to stop being the one people rely on. I want to be loved without it feeling conditional#maybe I want too much and this is my punishment
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the civilized human can just buy sunscreen in a normal bottle. sprays are for when you can't wash your hands and don't wanna have to touch your face to apply. Plus, the way sunscreens are formulated and how finicky they are to use, by spraying onto your hands first you're possibly messing up and not even getting the desired protection to stick onto your face. the guy in the gif is doing it a little clumsily and not even getting the sides of his face, but a proper face sunscreen that comes in a spray bottle is meant to be sprayed on, that's why it's in a spray bottle. You pay more to get it in the spray bottle.
the only exception is body sunscreen which you shouldn't be using on your face, anyway, unless it says explicitly it's meant for both face and body on the bottle (in which case 4 times out of 5 they should have a proper fine mist nozzle you can use hands-free), lest you risk irritation. For those you have to use hands since they have terrible spray nozzles which imo are messier to use than other types and are just a useless gimmick
after my friends expressed horror watching professional hockey player nathan mackinnon spray suncreen straight in the face, i'm actually curious...
#thanks for coming to my ted talk#my credentials are that i have super sun-sensitive rosacea I live in greece and my family loves the beach wayyyyy too much
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ACOTAR men x reader, meeting your parents
𐙚 summary: the acotar men meet ur parents for the first time, how will it go?
𐙚 warnings: crack, fluff
𐙚 amara’s note: thank u sm for the req anon!!💗 i need cassian so bad i’m not joking 🙁 | based on this req
Rhysand
okay so in my mind there are two ways this could go
either ur parents are scared shitless bc of him or they absolutely adore him
They’re real scared if your parents live in the Hewn City and have only seen Rhysand’s bad side, you know, when he was with Amarantha and just seemed like a real jerk overall
The part where they adore him would come into play if your parents lived in Velaris and witnessed Rhysand's true self, not the facade he presents to his court, but the genuine person behind the mask
I think he would act very nonchalant and act like its a casual thing meeting your parents but he is shitting himself behind the facades
He's just really eager for your parents to like him, so he ends up accidentally over-complimenting your mom, which might make your dad a bit irked.
“Mrs. L/N, your beauty is as radiant as the stars. And your cooking is absolutely divine,” he has a hand on his heart, his famous smirk playing on his lips
“Aw, thank you so very much Rhysand, how very kind of you. I’m glad you like it!” your mom beams at him sweetly
“Alright, Rhysand, let's not get carried away,” your dad mutters, staring daggers at rhys as he gets drags your moms chair closer to him
After a while they grow to love him and your father’s distaste for him lessens
Azriel
it’s kind like rhysand’s situation, your parents score is based on how much they know about him
okay, so if ur parents know he’s the scary night court torturer and spymaster who does dangerous things for his work, he might not be very well liked. not only that but they would be genuinely worried and very scared
but if they only know he works for the high lord, i believe the chance of liking him is big
I think azriel’s calm aura when he’s with you makes him very likeable and trustworthy
Your parents see how much he cares for you, the little things he does for you and they approve
they see the small things he does, like this vid right here
Azriel is actually so fucking nervous, he stalks your parents before meeting them. He knows what your dad likes and he knows what your mom likes. Azriel brings their interests up casually in conversations and see how their faces light up
of course you know about all of this but you let him think he’s slick
Eris
Just like rhys and az, it depends on how much they know ab him.
If this is pre berons death eris, they will probably not like him bc of the way he presents himself
I still think Eris is charming and will win over your parents
He’s an expert on charming people and he uses it when he meets ur parents
he is very respectful, tho not very talkative. He speaks when spoken to basically
He gets very nervous when he is asked questions about your relationship bc if there’s one thing he loves it’s privacy
Eris is super vague, i’m talking one word answer for everything
“So how did you meet?”
“at a meeting.”
“Okay! so whats the story?”
“we fell in love.”
Absolutely melts when ur parents decide to like him bc he has never had any parental figure like him that much except for his mom and he is very happy on the inside when ur parents love him
literally thinks of ur parents as his after a while
Lucien
He is extremely well liked, like right off the bat, they love him
We all now he is prythian’s most charming male
is the type to say “wow i see where my girl gets her beauty from” to your mom and “you raised her well, she is very smart” to your dad
I swear he will flirt with anyone. your brother, your sister, your mom, your dad
he brings gift baskets whenever u visit them and it’s always personalized gifts too
your younger siblings always greet him before you bc they think he’s wayyyyy cooler than u
he just basks in the attention bc slowly ur family basically adopts him and he becomes part of the family very quickly they all love him
Goes on walks with your parents, bakes with them, talks to them, literally becomes their fav in a heartbeat making u a lil jelly
This is SO him and ur mom LINK
Cassian
awww😭 bless his heart he is so awkward
he is so adamant about being liked, he goes all out
i’m talking gets a suit, shaves and gels his hair back even though you say it’s really not that deep
sweating bullets, wings drooping a tiiiiiny amount. not noticeable to anyone but himself
anyway
cassian knocks on the door w flowers for ur mom and his hands are literally sweating
absolutely doesn’t let you touch him in a romantic way. he literally swats of your hand on his bicep, “bae, we can’t do that right here, are you crazy??” he says in ur mind, looking around to see of anyone saw that super scandalous touch
at the dinner table he almost knocks over a glass and drops a fork on the floor
his tie is too tight and he carefully tugs on it for air until you decide it’s too much and take him to your childhood bedroom
“Cas, are you okay? They love you so much, there is really no need to be this nervous.”
“Are you sure they like me? Be honest.”
“Baby, I promise you, if they didn’t, you would know. Now get rid of this tie, pop a button and relax, let me get you a drink.”
After you kiss him and get him a drink, he calms down and goes back to his normal non nervous, lovely self
🏷️: @amara-moonlight @rowaelinsdaughter @redbleedingrose @artists-ally @thelov3lybookworm @clairebear08 @riddlesb1tch @cupidojenphrodite @readychilledwine @berryzxx @fell-in-luvs
#talkswithamara#acotar#a court of thorns and roses#acotar x reader#acotar imagine#azriel#rhysand#eris vanserra#high lord rhysand#rhysand acotar#rhysand a court of thorns and roses#rhys x reader#cassian x reader#cassian acotar#azriel fluff#azriel imagine#azriel fanfic#azriel shadowsinger#eris vanserra acotar#eris x reader#lucien vanserra x reader#lucien x reader#lucien vanserra#lucien acotar#azriel x reader#azriel acotar#rhysand x reader#cassian#rhys acotar#eris vanserra x reader
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Finding A Way - Luke Hughes
Summary: Luke is smitten with the new media girl for the Devils, the only issue... she has a boyfriend already (and he's a Flyers fan)
Content: angst, fluff, cheating, unhealthy relationship, emotional abuse, mentions of sex but no smut
wc: 6.5k
notes: this fic deals with some serious issues, so if you're not comfortable reading PLEASE do not continue. your mental health is wayyyyy more important than a fic, i promise :) however if you do decide to read, enjoy! i've had this written in my notes app for a while and just decided to finish it and put it on here!
Adelaide giggled as Luke stopped suddenly, letting the ice spray over the girl and her camera. Jack watched from the other side of the ice with Nico, rolling his eyes at the sight. Luke had been flirting with the new media girl since the season started but was still adamant that he didn't like her in a romantic way.
"When is he gonna ask her out?" Nico asked, knocking his should with Jack's.
"He still claims that he doesn't like her," Jack shrugged, narrowing his eyes as Adelaide giggled again.
"Well, he's clearly lying. Because they're definitely flirting."
"I keep telling him to bring her over, but he refuses."
"What's going on?" Dawson asked, joining his teammates.
"My brother is trying to get with the media girl."
"Adelaide? I don't blame him; she's hot."
"We all know she's hot, Mercer. It's just that he's too chicken to actually ask her out."
"Luke, you're supposed to be practicing," Adelaide teased, wiping the ice from her camera lens.
"I was just coming closer so you can get some good shots of me," Luke cheesed.
"I have enough photos of you. Tell your brother to start moving so I can get some of him.
"Oh, I see how it is. You want pictures of Jack, but not me. Should've known. He always gets the girls," he smirked.
Adelaid blushed at Luke's teasing, hiding her face in her hands. She'd be lying if she said she didn't find the rookie cute. He had made her feel welcome since day one, which the media girl thought was strange seeing as Luke was the shyer of the two Hughes boys.
"I didn't say that at all, Luke. Now go practice before you get us both in trouble."
Luke offered her one last smile, before joining the boys in their next drill. He caught Adelaide's eye few more times during practice, but she was busy taking pictures and speaking with her coworkers to pay him much attention. However, he was able to catch her as he was leaving the locker-room.
"Ady! Wait! Do you need a ride home?" he panted.
"Oh, um, I have a ride. Thanks though, Luke."
"Oh, who's your-"
"Babe! Come on!" a man standing near the entrance shouted. Luke felt his heart drop at the other man's words. He had just called the woman that Luke liked "babe." He could have sworn she was flirting back... guess not.
"One second, Matt! I'm just saying goodbye to Luke."
Luke watch the other man, Matt, roll his eyes and cross his arms over his chest. Tapping his foot impatiently as Adelaide turned to the rookie one last time.
"Maybe I'll bum a ride off you and Jack another time. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon for the game," she smiled, patting him on the shoulder. Luke watched from afar as Matt interlaced his fingers with Adelaide's, talking to her quickly and quietly.
"Come on, Rusty. Where's Ady? I thought you were offering her a ride?" Jack asked, snapping his brother out his stupor.
"She just left with her... boyfriend?"
"She has a boyfriend? Damn. Could've sworn she was into you. Sorry, bro."
Jack's words just pissed Luke off further. He turned on his heel, storming off to the boys' car.
"Luke, you can't mope around for the rest of the day just because the media girl has a boyfriend. I mean, the whole team thinks she's hot, so I'm not surprised she's taken," Jack tried to cheer up his younger brother.
"You're not helping, Jack."
"Sorry, I'm trying," Jack rolled his eyes.
"Just leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to deal with your dumbass."
"Whatever."
"Matt, it's not like that. He was just being nice."
"Sure, he was, Ady. Because all those horny hockey boys you work with are always just 'being nice.'"
"You're being unreasonable. Luke is new like me. He's just helping me fit in."
"I don't want you talking to him unless it's work related."
"Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Ady sighed, looking down at the floor.
"It's ok, princess. I'm not mad," Matt cooed, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I love you."
"I love you too, Matt," she cracked a small smile, pressing a kiss to his lips.
Adelaide loved Matt. And Matt loved Adelaide. They'd been together for almost a year. He protected her from the guys she worked with, at least that's what he told her. Without Matt she wouldn't be safe. She needed him.
"Alright, have a good game. I'm out tonight with the boys, so make sure you get a ride with... what's her name? Sandra?"
"Sarah, Matt. Her name is Sarah. I've told you that like ten times today," Ady sighed, opening the car door.
"Whatever. Doesn't matter. I'll be out late, so don't wait up." And with that, Matt had driven off. Addy sighed, brushing her hair out of her face. She just needed to get through the game and ask Sarah for a ride home. Easy enough; she'd be fine. And everything would go as planned and-
"Adelaide!"
Her eyes shot up, locking with no other than Jack Hughes'. She looked around as if he'd be calling on someone else, but she was the only person in the room.
"Um, hi, Jack."
"Can I speak with you for a moment?" he begged.
"Yeah, sure. What's up?"
"So, you know my brother Luke?"
"Yeah? We work together?"
"Right, so... he has a HUGE crush on you and I was wondering if-"
"I have a boyfriend."
"Oh. Okay, but-"
"I love my boyfriend."
"But-"
"No 'buts.' This conversation is done. I love Matt."
"Yeah, you said that," Jack furrowed his brow, watching as she sped away to her office. Who was she trying to convince about loving Matt? Jack or herself?
Jack stood there, his mind racing. He watched Adelaide disappear into her office, a part of him still hopeful that maybe there was more to the situation than met the eye. But her words her clear, and it wasn't his place to push any further.
As he walked back to the locker room, he saw Luke waiting by the team's gear. The younger Hughes brother looked like he was trying to shake off a bad mood, but his face was still set in a scowl.
"Hey bro, you alright?" Jack asked, trying his best to sound natural.
Luke shrugged, not meeting his brother's gaze, "Yeah, just... not feeling great."
Jack hesitated before replying, "Look, I know you're bummed about Adelaide. But if she's with Matt and she says she loves him, then... well there's not much you can do."
Luke nodded, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. The team gathered for their pre-game talk, but the tension between the brothers was palpable. Jack glanced over at Luke frequently, wishing he could say something to make things better, but he knew some things were just out of his control.
Meanwhile, Adelaide was back in her office, trying to focus on the game. But the encounter with Jack kept replaying in her mind. She knew Matt could be overprotective, but his jealousy was like a thorn in her side.
As she was preparing to leave for the rink, her phone buzzed. It was a text from Sarah, confirming her ride home. She felt a small sense of relief. At least she wouldn't have to worry about getting home alone.
~~
The game was intense. Adelaide took photos from the sidelines, trying to stay fully focused on her job. But her thoughts just kept drifting back to Luke and her conversation with Jack. She saw Luke on the ice, giving it his all, and she felt a pang of regret.
After the game as the players were filing out, Adelaide was about to leave when Jack approached her again.
"Hey, Ady. Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked, his tone softer than before.
"Sure, what's up?" she replied, trying to hide her exhaustion.
"I just wanted to apologize if I pushed too hard earlier. I just thought maybe-"
"I appreciate it, Jack. But it really is just how things are. Matt and I... are committed to each other."
"Yeah, I get that. I just hate seeing my brother like this."
"I understand. It's complicated, and I wish it were easier. But thanks for understanding."
Jack nodded and gave her a small, sympathetic smile, "Alright, well, see you around, Adelaide."
"Bye, Jack."
As she walked out to meet Sarah, she felt a mix of relief and uncertainty. She loved Matt, but the situation with Luke had stirred up emotions she wasn't ready to confront. For now, she needed to get through the night and take things one step at a time.
~~
The days that followed were a blur for Adelaide. Her interactions with Luke were limited to work-related conversations and occasional small talk. She did her best to remain professional, but the chemistry between the two still lingered in her mind.
One evening, after a win against the Rangers, the team was out for drinks to celebrate. Adelaide was there with Sarah, trying to enjoy the night and push away the nagging thoughts of Luke.
Luke, for his part, was trying to keep his distance, but it was clear he was still hung up on Ady. When the group decided to hit up the nearby bar after the game, Adelaide and Sarah were among the last to arrive. And once he saw her in the bar, the alcohol in his system was not going to keep him from talking to her.
"Hey, Ady," he smiled, approaching her and Sarah. "Glad you made it."
"Hi, Luke," she replied, her voice tinged with a mixture of relief and hesitation.
They chatted casually at first, but as the night went on, Adelaide found herself increasingly drawn to Luke. They laughed together, shared stories, and for a brief moment, the complications of her life seemed to melt away. The alcohol added a sense of liberation, and she noticed Luke looking at her with an intensity that made her heart race.
Eventually, the group's conversation grew more rowdy, and Sarah got caught up in chatting with some friends of the team. Adelaide, feeling a bit detached, slipped outside for some fresh air. Luke, quickly noting her absence, followed her.
"Ady, you okay?" he asked, his voice laced with concern.
"Yeah, just needed a breather," she said, looking up at the stars. "It's been a long week."
Luke stepped closer, his gaze locking with hers. "You don't have to put on a brave face all the time, you know. It's okay to feel tired and burnt out."
She smiled faintly, "Thanks, Luke. It's just... everything's been a bit overwhelming lately."
Before she could react, Luke reached out and gently touched her arm. The warmth of his hand sent a shiver down her spine. Adelaide looked up, her heart pounding. Luke's gaze was intense, and she could see the vulnerability in his eyes.
In a moment of impulsive recklessness, Adelaide leaned in, and their lips met. The kiss was electric, filled with a mix of desperation and longing. For a moment, all the complications, the guilt, and the responsibilities faded away.
When they finally pulled apart, both of them were breathless. Adelaide's mind was racing, torn between her love for Matt and the undeniable connection she felt with Luke.
"I shouldn't have-" Adelaide started, but Luke gently placed a finger on her lips.
"It's okay," he said softly. "We don't have to figure anything out right now."
She nodded, feeling a rush of confusion and regret. "I need to get back inside."
Luke watched her walk back into the bar, a mix of hope and apprehension in his eyes. He knew that this was just the beginning of a much more complicated situation.
Back inside, Adelaide's heart was heavy as she rejoined Sarah and the group. The guilt of what had just happened weighed on her, but she couldn't ignore the thrill and the intensity of the moment with Luke. As the night went on, she tried her best to act normal, but her mind was consumer by the memory of kissing Luke.
~~
The argument had started over something small- Matt's habit of not cleaning up after himself- but it quickly escalated. Adelaide and Matt were in the kitchen of their apartment, voices raised.
"Seriously, Matt? I've asked you a million times to clean up your dishes!" Ady's frustration was evident, as she slammed a dish into the sink.
"I'm tired of this, Ady!" Mat retorted, his face flushed with anger. "It's not like I'm trying to ignore you. I've been busy with work and-"
"Busy? You're always busy with work, but you can't even make a little effort here?!" she shouted, her hands on her hips. "It's not just about the dishes; it's about the respect!"
Matt threw his hands up in exasperation. "Respect? You think I don't respect you? I work hard so we can have a good life. I'm tired of you always nitpicking!"
"It's not nitpicking, Matthew! It's about being partners in a relationship. I feel like I'm doing everything on my own," her voice trembled.
Matt's face hardened. "Maybe if you were a little more understanding, you'd see how much I'm trying. But no, you're just focused on what I'm not doing."
Her eyes filled with tears, "I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for some consideration. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always the bad guy here."
Matt's anger seemed to shift into frustration. "You know what? Maybe we need some space. I can't keep doing this every day."
The harshness in his voice stung, and Adelaide felt her heart sink. "So what? You want to just walk away?"
"No, I'm just saying maybe we need to take a break from fighting all the time. I need to cool off," Matt said, grabbing his jacket. "I'm going out with the guys tonight. Maybe that'll help."
Adelaide watched as he stormed out, the door slamming behind him. She was left standing in the kitchen, feeling a mix of anger, sadness, and frustration. The apartment felt cold and empty without him.
With no one else to turn to, Ady grabbed her phone and, in a moment of desperation, texted Luke, asking if she coud come over. Her unresolved emotions driving her to seek comfort elsewhere.
When she arrived at Luke and Jack's apartment, her mind was clouded with the aftermath of the fight. Luke opened the door, his concern clear as day as he saw her tear-stained face.
"Ady, what happened?" Luke asked, pulling her into the apartment.
"I just... needed to get away," she replied, her voice breaking as she sunk into the couch.
Luke sat next to her, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I don't even know where to start," she laughed bitterly. "Matt and I had this huge fight. It's like we can't even get along anymore."
As Adelaide opened up about her frustrations, the conversation slowly shifted from comforting to more personal. The tension between the two grew palpable, and before they knew it, their emotions overwhelmed them. The lines between comfort and intimacy were blurred, leading them to kiss passionately.
~~
The next morning, Adelaide woke up with a jolt, her head pounding. She turned to find Luke beside her, a mixture of confusion and guilt washing over her.
"Luke, I... we shouldn't have," Adelaide began, her voice trembling. "This was a mistake."
Luke's face hardened. "A mistake? You think this was just a mistake?"
"Yes," she said, her eyes welling up with tears. "I love Matt. I shouldn't have let this happen."
Luke sat up, frustration evident in his voice. "So, what are you saying? That I'm just some rebound? That this meant nothing?"
"No, it's not like that," she said, reaching for his hand. "It's just-"
"Just what?" Luke snapped, pulling away. "Just that you're confused? Or that you don't know what you want?"
"It's not about you, Luke!" she exclaimed, her voice rising. "It's about me and my choices. I'm committed to Matt. I need to figure out what I want."
Luke was seething. "Well, maybe you should've figured it out before coming here. This is exactly what I was afraid of- being used and then thrown away when it's convenient."
Adelaide recoiled, hurt by his words. "I never meant to hurt you."
Luke looked away, frustration and pain written on his face. "I thought we had something real, but now I see I was just a distraction."
"I didn't mean for this to happen," Adelaide said, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry."
Luke's expression softened slightly, but it was clear he was still hurt. "I get it. But I need time to process this. I can't just pretend it didn't happen."
"I understand," she replied, her voice just above a whisper. "I need to go."
As she gathered her things, the awkwardness and emotional distance between them was almost tangible. She glanced back at Luke, who stood silently by the door, a mix of anger and sadness in his gaze.
"I'll give you some space. I'm really sorry, Luke."
With that, she left his apartment, the weight of her actions heavy on her shoulders. As she drove away, the gravity of what had happened began to settle in, and she knew that repairing the damage she had caused would be an arduous journey.
~~
Adelaide's hands shook as she gripped the steering wheel, her mind racing with the burden of what had just happened. Her thoughts were a chaotic swirl of guilt and confusion. She took a deep breath as she pulled into the parking garage, trying to steady herself before heading inside.
When she entered the apartment, the living room was dark, the only light coming from the sun filtering through the blinds. Matt was sitting on the couch, his posture tense and his face partially hidden in the shadows.
Her heart sank at the sight of him. "Matt, you didn't stay with the guys," she said, her voice shaky as she closed the door behind her.
Matt's gaze met hers, his eyes sharp and questioning. "Yeah. I decided to come home after all. I've been thinking."
"Oh, um, okay," she replied, trying to keep her composure as she walked further into the room.
Matt stood up and approached her, his expression a mix of concern and irritation. "So where were you? I tried calling, but you didn't answer."
Adelaide's heart raced. "I was out for a bit... I needed some fresh air. It was a rough day, ya know?"
Matt's eyes narrowed. "A bit? You were gone for hours. Did something happen?"
She hesitated, scrambling to come up with a believable excuse. "I just went for a drive to clear my head. Fell asleep in a parking lot. It's been stressful with everything going on."
Matt studied her for a moment, clearly unconvinced but unsure of what to say. "You didn't go see Luke, did you?"
The question hit her like a ton of bricks. She forced a nonchalant laugh, trying to mask her nervousness. "No, of course not. I haven't seen him. Why would you think that?"
His expression softened, but he still looked troubled. "I don't know, I guess I just... I felt like something was off. I didn't want to jump to conclusions."
Ady stepped closer to him, putting a hand on his arm. "Matt, I promise you, nothing happened. I was just out trying to process everything. I needed some space, and I didn't think to tell you because I thought you were also out."
Matt weighed her words, the tension in his shoulder easing. "Okay. I just- I don't want us to keep fighting. I care about you, Ady. I don't want there to be any secrets between us."
"I don't want that either," she said, her voice filled with sincerity she hoped would convince him. "I'm sorry for not being more communicative. I'll do better."
Matt nodded slowly, "Alright. Let's just try to move forward and work on things. I don't want to lose you."
Her heart ached, but she forced a smile. "I don't want to lose you either. We'll figure this out. I love you."
"I love you too."
They embraced, and Adelaide held him tightly, feeling both relief and guilt. As Matt settled back onto the couch, Ady joined him, trying to push away the lingering feelings from the night with Luke.
The weight of her deception was heavy, and as she sat beside Matt, the realization that she was living a lie began to settle in. She knew that maintaining the facade would be difficult, and the consequences of her actions were far from over. For now, though, she focused on keeping up the appearance of normalcy, hoping that time would help heal the rift she had created.
~~
Luke felt like he was in a fog. The events of the previous night and that morning replayed in his mind. He knew he needed to talk to someone, but he wasn't ready to fully disclose what had happened. He decided to seek comfort in his brother, hoping for a little bit of guidance in his situation.
Jack met Luke at the rink, finding his brother sitting alone in the locker room. He approached him, a concerned look on his face.
"Hey, Rusty. You've been awfully quiet this morning. Everything okay?" Jack asked, sitting down beside him.
Luke sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Not really, man. I'm feelin' pretty messed up."
Jack cocked an eyebrow, sensing the seriousness of the situation. "You wanna talk about it or..."
"Sort of. It's... complicated," Luke said, avoiding eye contact. "I had a rough night, and I'm trying to make sense of things, I guess."
Jack frowned, "You sure you don't wanna spill the beans? Sometimes talking helps, ya know?"
Luke hesitated, searching for the right words. "It's not really something I can just talk about. I made some... choices that I'm regretting, and I feel like I've fucked things up, royally."
The older Hughes studied him carefully. "I get it. But you know, if you're feeling like you screwed up, you should at least be able to talk to someone you know won't judge you. I'm your brother, it's what I'm here for."
"Not that simple. I just don't wanna drag you into this. I just need to figure out what to do next."
"Are you like in serious trouble?"
"No, Jack... not serious trouble."
"I don't need to call the cops?"
"No, Jack," he laughed bitterly.
"Alright, well, don't bottle it up. You've got people who care about you, and we're all in this together."
Luke nodded, grateful for Jack’s support but still feeling the weight of his decisions. As they got ready for practice, Luke tried to focus on the task at hand, though his mind was still troubled by the consequences of the previous night.
~~
Adelaide avoided Luke like he was the plague the next few days. She poured herself into work, using the camera as a shield to hide behind her. She kept her interactions with the team strictly professional, but her heart began to ache the first time her eyes met Luke's.
Jack noticed the change in his brother and the photographer. Their friendship had vanished, replaced by a strained silence. One day after pratice, Jack cornered Adelaide in the hallway outside the media room.
"Hey, Ady, got a minute?" he asked, casually leaning against the wall.
"Sure, Jack. What's going on?"
"I noticed that you and Luke have been... off lately. Did something happen?"
Her heart raced, but she forced a large smile. "No, nothing happened. We've just been busy with work and all!"
"Come on, Ady. I know you better than that. You two were inseperable when he started here, and now I don't think I've seen you talk to him in days. Did you guys have an argument or something?"
She sighed, the guilt weighing down her shoulders. "It's complicated. I don't want to get into it."
"Oh. Look, I get it if you don't wanna share. But just know that I'm here if you wanna talk. I care about you, so seeing you both like this is kinda hard."
"Thanks, Jack," her voice barely above a whisper. "Appreciate it."
"See you on the ice!"
"Yup."
God, what had she gotten herself into?
~~
The rink was filled with sounds- the sharp scrape of skates on ice, the hollow thud of the puck hitting the boards, the shouted command of coaches, and the occasional shutter of Adelaide's camera lense. Luke Hughes moved with a ferocity that caught the attention of everyone on the ice. His usual smooth, calculated movements had been replaced by agressiveness. Every stride was powerful, every check delivered with a force that echoed through the arena.
"What's up with Rusty?" Jack muttered to Nico, who was stretching nearby.
Nico followed Jack's gaze. "Not sure, but he's been playing like he's possessed. Did something happen?"
Jack shrugged, keeping his eyes on Luke. "Don't know. He's been... off lately. Keeps to himself a lot more."
As practice continued, Luke's focus remained unbroken. He intercepted passes, delivered bone-rattling checks, and fired shots with pinpoint accuracy. His teammates began to whisper among themselves in the locker room, buzz building about the youngest Hughes.
"Hey, Lukey, what's going on with you?" Nico approached him.
Luke shrugged, "Focusing on my game. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that you're playing like you're trying to prove something. Or like you're trying to forget something."
Luke clenched his jaws, his knuckles turning white as he gripped his towel. "Drop it, Nico. I'm just trying to play better."
"Alright, man. But if you need me, I'm here. Don't shut out the team."
Luke didn't respond, instead shoving his gear into his bag with a force that spoke for itself. Whatever was eating at him was serious, and the team feared it would affect more than just his game.
~~
Adelaide was at her desk, her fingers flying against her keyboard as she edited photos from their last game. She was immersing herself in her work, hoping it would distract her from her inner turmoil. She was focusing on her job and spending as much time with Matt as possible.
The door to her office swung open, and Luke stepped inside, his presence immediately filling the small space. Her heart skipped a beat, her eyes widening at the determined look on his face.
"We need to talk," his voice barely concealing his anger.
She swallowed hard, her throat dry. "Luke, I'm busy right now. Can it wait?"
"No," he said firmly, closing the door behind him. "We're not leaving this room until we sort this out."
"What is there to sort out? We made a mistake, and we need to move on."
"A mistake?" his voice rose. "Is that all it was to you?"
Adelaide flinched at his tone, "It's not that simple, Luke. You know it's not."
"Then make it simple for me," he demanded, stepping closer. "Do you have feelings for me or not?"
She looked away, unable to meet his intense gaze. "It doesn't matter what I feel. I'm with Matt. I've made a commitment to him."
Luke's hands clenched into fists at his sides. "So, you're just going to ignore what's between us? Pretend it doesn't exist?"
"What choice do I have?" she voice shook. "I love Matt. I can't just throw that away because I slept with you one time."
"Is that all you think this is? A fling?" his voice was filled with heart.
Adelaide felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. "No, but it can't be more than that. It's too complicated."
Luke took a step back, "You're scared. You're scared to admit that you want something different. That you might actually care about me. That you aren't happy with Matt."
"That's not true," she whispered, her resolve crumbling. "I do care about you, but it's not fair to anyone if I act on it."
"Fair?" Luke scoffed. "Life isn't fair, Adelaide. You can't just ignore your feelings because it's inconvenient."
She shook her head, the tears spilling over. "I'm trying to do the right thing. I can't hurt Matt like this."
"And what about me?" his voice cracked. "Do I not matter?"
"Of course you matter," she cried, reaching out to him. "But I can't do this. I can't be with you."
Luke stared at her a moment, his breathing heavy. Then, without warning, he crossed the distance between them in two quick strides and cupped her face in his hands. Before she could react, his lips were on hers, kissing her with a desperation that took her breath away.
She was stunned at first, but then melted into it, her hands gripping his shirt to ground herself. For a moment, all her feelings of guilt and doubt vanished, replaced by the overwhelming feeling of being with him. Of being with Luke.
But reality crashed back in and she pulled away, panting. "Luke, we can't."
"Don't tell me you didn't feel that. Don't tell me you don't want this."
"I do want it. But I can't. I have to think about Matt. I have to think about everyone else."
Luke's shoulders fell, the fight leaving his body. "Fine. If that's how you feel, I'll back off. But don't expect me to just forget out this. About... us."
Adelaide sat back down, staring blankly at her computer screen. The photos she was supposed to be editing blurred together, her mind far too preoccupied. She sighed, rubbing her temples in a futile attempt to clear her mind. They kiss that they had just shared haunted her, the memory replaying over and over again, making it impossible to do any work.
Her phone buzzed with a text from Matt: "Dinner tonight? Been missing you lately <3"
Guilt twisted her stomach as she typed back her response. "Sure, sounds great. I miss you too."
She hit send and put her phone down. She felt like a fraud. Everything felt tainted by her feelings for Luke. She decided to take a break from working, grabbing her coat and leaving the office. She was craving some fresh air. As she walked, she called Sarah. The one person she knew she could talk to about anything, and right now, she really needed her advice.
"Hey, Ady! What's up?"
"Hey, Sarah. Can you meet up? I really need to talk."
"Of course. How about the coffee shop near the area in fifteen?"
"Perfect. See you soon."
Adelaide arrived quickly and ordered herself a latte. When Sarah walked in, she felt a wave of relief. Sarah took one good look at her and knew something was wrong.
"What's going on, Ads?"
"I've messed up, Sarah. Big time."
Sarah reached across the table and held her hand. "Tell me everything."
Over the next hour, Adelaide spilled her guts to her confidante. Telling Sarah all about her feelings for Luke, the kiss, the night they spent together, and the guilt that was tearing her apart.
"Ady, it sounds like you're in a really tough spot. But you have to honest with yourself and with Matt. This isn't fair to anyone, especially not to you."
"I know. But I don't know how to choose. I care about them both so much."
"Maybe you need some time to figure things out. Take a step back, give yourself some space to think about what you really want."
"You're right I just need to clear my head. Thanks, Sar."
"No worries, Ads. That's what I'm here for."
~~
"Luke, we need to talk."
"Not now, Jack," Luke muttered, not even looking away from the TV.
"Yeah, now," Jack insisted. "You've been acting insane. What's going on?"
"I can't, Jack. Just... drop it."
"Nope. Not happening," Jack sat next to him, turning off the TV. "Whatever this is, it's eating you alive. Talk to me."
Luke's frustration boiled over. "It's Adelaide, alright? We... we kissed. We... slept together. And then things got out of hand."
"You and Adelaide? Seriously?" Jack's eyes widened in shock.
"She said it was a mistake, that she loves Matt. But... I can't get her out of my head."
"Holy shit, Luke. That's... a lot. But you can't keep it bottled up. It's tearing you apart."
"I know... but I don't know what to do."
"Look, you need to talk to her. Clear the air. This tension is gonna kill ya both. And if she really loves Matt, you need to try to respect that and move on."
"Yeah. I know. But it's so damn hard."
"I get it, bro. But just take it one step at a time. And remember I'm here for you. Even when you royally fuck up like this."
~~
That evening when Adelaide walked in the door, she could already feel Matt's anger. He was pacing back and forth in the living room.
"Adelaide. We need to talk," his voice was taut with anger.
"What about, Matt?"
"About us! About how distant you've been. It's like you're here, but you're not really here," he snapped, his eyes searching hers for an explanation.
"I've been under a lot of pressure with work. You know that."
"This isn't just about work, Ady! You've been avoiding me. We barely talk anymore, and when we do, it's about the team or the game. When was the last time we slept together? When was the last time you were focused on us? What happened to us?"
She felt a pang of guilt, but also a rush of anger. "Maybe if you weren't so obsessed with your career, we wouldn't be having this problem! You're never around, Matt. And when you are, you don't speak to me!"
"That's not fair. You knew how important work was to me when we got together. I thought you supported me."
"I do support you, but I can't be the only one making sacrifices. This is a partnership, not a one-way street."
"A partnership? That's rich coming from you! You used to be my biggest cheerleader, and now I don't even recognize you!"
"Maybe I changed because you never made me feel like I mattered!" she spat back. "It's always been about you and your career, your dreams. What about mine, Matt? What about mine?"
"I never stopped you from chasing your dreams! You can't just blame all our problems on me! You made choices too."
Ady tried her best to think of a response, but Matt continued before she could.
"I can't do this anymore, Ady. I don't even know who you are anymore," his voice breaking with resignation.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe we both need to figure out what we really want," she looked down at her feet.
"I thought we wanted the same thing. But I guess not. Maybe we've grown too far apart."
"I wish things were different, Matthew. I really do."
"Yeah, me too."
For a moment, it seemed like they were about to part ways without another word. But then Adelaide made a gut-wrenching decision. "Matt, there's something I need to tell you. I.... I cheated on you. With Luke."
The confession hit Matt like a punch to the gut. His eyes widened with shock, then narrowed with rage. "What did you just say?"
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen. It was a mistake-"
"A mistake?" Matt exploded. "You think that's just a mistake? You've been lying to me, hiding things from me while I thought we were trying to fix things!"
Adelaide tried to reach out to him, but he stepped back, his anger turning into something darker. "I didn't want to hurt you. I was confused, and I made a terrible choice."
His face turned red with fury, "You've betrayed me, Adelaide. You've crossed a line. I can't just let this go. You've been living a lie while I've been trying to make thing work."
"I'm so sorry, Matt. Just let me explain."
"No!" his voice echoed through the room, bouncing off the walls. "I don't want to hear it. You've shattered everything we had. I'm done. I can't even look at you right now."
~~
Adelaide sat in her dimly lit apartment, feeling the weight of the last few days pressing down on her. The space felt unusually empty, and the silence was almost deafening. She had spent the entire day reflecting on everything that had transpired and was now preparing for an important conversation.
Her phone buzzed, signaling Luke's arrival. She took a deep breath and went to open the door.
Luke stood there, his expression a mixture of resolve and concern. "Hey," he said softly as he stepped inside.
"Hey," Adelaide replied, trying to muster a reassuring smile. "Thanks for coming over."
They moved to the living room, sitting across from each other. The atmosphere was heavy with unspoken words. Adelaide broke the silence first.
"I wanted to talk about everything that's happened. I know I've hurt you. And I've hurt Matt. And I need to take responsibility for that."
Luke nodded, his gaze was steady but pained. "I appreciate you saying that. I was hurt, and it's been hard trying to understand like... why everything went down the way it did."
"I never meant to hurt you. I was confused. Stuck in a relationship that had been loveless for a while. I was avoiding issues instead of talking about them."
"I get that. I was confused too. We both made mistakes, but we can acknowledge that."
"I think... no, I know that I want to be with you, Luke. I just... can we take things slow? Like super slow? I think I need to process everything that just happened," she giggled lowly.
"Yeah, of course. I'd like that a lot, Ady. Let's take this one day at a time.
"Sounds perfect."
Luke smiled, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "Now, why don't you tell me why I'm your favourite Hughes brother," he smirked.
She rolled her eyes, "If I must..."
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#Oh good then I'm doing church right #The one I'm listening to now feels like being bodyscrubbed by sandpaper #And every week I get to be sunk in depression at what a hopeless failure of a Christian I am =) =) =)
Hm. Can I make a point? Because this post made me start thinking, and then Bri, these tags made me go “Okay, I really want to respond to that.”
(First: I want to make the observation that it is *completely possible* that this post was meant only to address the need for non-lackadaisical Christianity in church that does not shy away from sin, that the post was not meant to touch on the nuances of all the things one should be experiencing at church, and that @scleroticstatue you generally agree with what I am going to say here but you didn’t say it because that simply wasn’t the point of the post. If that's the case, then my apologies for dragging it off track!)
Now, on to my thoughts.
Yes, I fully agree with "If you are going to a church where you are fully comfortable and never feel the need to improve and never are called to be more than what you are, you're not worshiping God, you're just doing self affirmations with more steps." The point of discomfort at or in church is to a) remind us that we are not God and b) stir us to change to further align ourselves with God. It helps keep us from getting complacent or lazy in our Christianity. It sharpens our consciences and our beliefs about who God is. It reminds us that being Christlike takes work, real work, and we are active participants in our faith, so we better act like it—and that is often uncomfortable to hear.
However, I do think there should be some level of comfort within church. The church is MEANT to be a safe haven and it is MEANT to point us to God and His love—not only to point us to our sinful nature as humans. If I went to church and I only ever felt discomfort, I would never want to go to church. It would be a chore and a struggle instead of a joy, and I know I would feel guilty because of that. I am glad that when I go to church, I do not only experience the discomfort of feeling Truth grating against my worldly desires and of struggling with secondary or tertiary theological issues; I also experience the joy and comfort of lifting my voice in praise to the Lord with the congregation, of hearing the pastor speak about the goodness of God, and of having fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. (Side note: while we’re getting into nuances, it’s certainly worth saying that if I only received the comfort with no conviction, that would also be bad. I’m not going to expound on that here but I wanted to mention it.)
So, the discomfort of sin hitting you in the face when you go to church is a normal and healthy thing. But to be sunk in depression every week at what a hopeless failure of a Christian you are? Maybe there's a part you aren't expressing about the hope you have in the Lord (and those smiley faces at the end seem to indicate sarcasm or trying to make it sound lighthearted or otherwise something I can't quite identify), but...to me, that sounds really sad.
I'm a sinner, but I am saved by the grace of God alone. I do my best to honor the Lord, and I will and do fail. Daily. But He is good. He forgives me and lets me come back to Him when I stray. He knows I’m going to mess up and I’m human, and that I’ve dedicated my life to Him. (And He will both hold me to that and keep it as a ‘safety net’ of sorts for me; I can expand more on that if you want.) He does not look upon me—or you!—as a failure. He sees humans who fall into sin, but who also love Him and want to obey Him. And He sees these humans repent and turn to Him when they recognize they have done wrong.
It is absolutely necessary to submit myself to Him. Part of that means confessing my sin and my weakness. But another part of that means acknowledging His power and His strength in me. The Holy Spirit is living within me, and I can turn to Him and ask for help. There are moments I do so, and moments I do not. Whatever I do to follow His commands, I do by His strength alone. The fact that His power lives in me and allows me to resist sin reassures me, and when I do submit to the Holy Spirit’s guidance when I want to sin, it reassures me that He is alive in me. He loves me and gives me the tools to choose Him. He wants me to use those tools, but He loves me even when I do not. And it is the same for you.
Sin always, always, always involves putting ourselves first instead of Him, and we do that a lot. But that is not every moment of every day. Remember, He came to give us abundant life, that we may have it in full (John 10:10); He did not come to condemn us (John 3:17, Romans 8:1-2). Yes, we must remember why we had to be saved in the first place, and repent of our sins that we still commit. But we must also rejoice that we ARE saved!
In addition, like Sclerotic said in her reblog, some of the best Christians out there were also phenomenal failures that God worked through. God can and will work through you. Your failures, perceived or real, cannot thwart the will of God.
Yes, I am a hopeless failure of a Christian on my own. But I am not on my own. And neither are you.
(I could go on a whole tangent about self-worth as a Christian and centering your worth around God and my journey with that and my own experiences of being sunk in depression over being a hopeless failure of a Christian, but a) that would make this post longer than it already is and b) it's not 100% related [though it’s at least 75% related in my mind] and c) I have the feeling I've got a sliiiightly different view on that than either of you do, lol, but perhaps not.)
Actually, I don't think you should be comfortable going to church. I don't think you should feel comfortable to stand in the presence of God knowing what mistakes you made over the last week of screw ups. I don't think you should inherently like your church's teachings. It should make you uncomfortable, chafe at your pet sins and poke at your weaknesses. And fellow church members shouldn't make you feel comfortable, either; they should hold you to a standard higher than you think you can meet. Because if you are going to a church where you are fully comfortable and never feel the need to improve and never are called to be more than what you are, you're not worshiping God, you're just doing self affirmations with more steps.
#this got so long ack#I edited this so much bc it got REALLY long and rambly but it still stayed kinda long even after I edited it#anyway. I am mentally screaming that THERE IS HOPE!!!#we cannot ever get to Christ on our own and I know you know that Bri#and I know you know He came for us and He loves us#and maybe you already know all this stuff I said *waves hands at my reblog*#but it’s not bad to get a reminder#(that last bit is me telling myself that I'm not being dumb if I'm saying things you already know XD)#there is hope and we are not on our own!!#maybe I'm taking your tags wayyyyy too seriously Bri but idk. I'd rather risk the chance I'm taking them too seriously over not enough#“At the Risk of Feeling Dumb” vibes fr#and yeah I do want to talk more about self-worth as a Christian bc I see you in somewhat of a similar place as I have been#dunno if it would help or if I'd provide anything meaningful#but I'm willing to try#you also may just see some things in a different light than me and that's okay! whatever the case I want you to live confidently in His lov#tag thoughts#major tag thoughts#Christianity#Sclerotic forgive me if this was way too much to add on or completely irrelevant—I did not mean to hijack your post#okay I'm going to stop now bc I'm rambling in the tags and it's late o'clock AM#reblogs w/ friends
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