#I still want to push myself with Hindi!

[seelieforests]

20.09.24

Ça fait un longtemps que j'ai écrit sur ce blog! Mais, pour les bons raisons! Récemment, je voyageais beaucoup. J'ai visité à Boston, à Vancouver, à L'île de Vancouver, à Banff, et à plusieurs des parcs nationaux.

It has been a crazy summer. I have seen and done so much. I have reinvented myself and discovered what I want in life. C'était extraordinaire! I'm looking into studying in BC, because not only do I love the West Coast, but I also want to do a degree in ecology!

J'espère que les montagnes m'avaient changé.

I have also been practicing my language skills frequently. I feel like I am reaching a solid place with French, though I second guess every word I say still. I have a Québécois friend who has been very kind in working with me and helping me learn!

Now that it's fall I'm feeling a bit more motivated to work hard on my other langauges. Hindi is still in the devangari learning stages, but Japanese is getting to a point where I am able to form more complex sentences. I think my goal for autumn will be to learn at least 100 kanji!

We will see <3

[yril-writes]

— HATE LOVE

synopsis ; have you ever hated love? Who knew that the man you loved so deeply, hated the fact that he ever loved you. How would you feel?

scenario ; this is a "pinagtagpo pero hindi tinadhana" setting translation: you met but not destined. Even if Sukuna stopped visiting in the flower shop, having to encounter each other every time in different places only says it's a small world.

"I hate that I love you this much, when you can't even love me the way that I do. I hate myself for holding onto you, my love..."

type ; drabble

include/s ; ryoumen sukuna

pairing/s ; yakuza character x fl! reader

genre ; romance, angst and a hint of sad depressed corn

I still remember my memories from my past life, I still remember her in that life. "Sukuna, promise me that you'll find me in our next life." she said those words like the sweetest thing I could ever taste. I love her. More than anything in this world. So I promised to find her, in the process I get to meet her grandparents. They would always tell stories about her, just by listening to them it seemed to me that she has the best times of her life despite that she is alone living in their hometown. And I reflected on it, how much of a life we had back in our last life.

And it wasn't much, we met at a very weird scenario we weren't that perfect at all, but I remembered how I took for granted your feelings before without knowing that she would only have so little time to spare living, I felt like an idiot pushing her away back then. I wasted my time arguing, hating, ignoring her when I could've just stayed by her side and spent more time. I didn't want to see her die in front of me, so I broke our promise. I didn't look for her specifically but just knowing about her was enough until one day I saw her. The old lady who was managing the flower shop is in the hospital she said, I never actually imagined myself being able to hear her voice, to see her up close and to even catch a scent of her. (I missed her so much...) looking into her eyes, it seemed to be that her memories of the past didn't actually come to her, she is just a mere granddaughter who manages her grandmother's shop.

That is why I decided to stay away from her, to avoid getting myself in a deep hole again, I didn't want to see her suffering slowly dying again in my arms. But faith and destiny wouldn't leave me be, wherever I go I see her. At town and even random streets. But I didn't mind it at all. "Mr. Yakuza, I've been seeing you a lot from here now! I'm kinda getting used to it!" she cheerfully says it out loud without being embarrassed. But you felt happy despite all of it. "Well, you should stop stalking me. Who's the Yakuza now?" I can't stop myself when I am with her, I just can't ignore her, I crave for her. Even though this is wrong, he just couldn't stop this spilling feeling of euphoria, time flies when you're having fun they say and it's true, it didn't take long enough when she finally confessed to him.

"Sukuna, I like you. Spending time like this with you feels natural, it's as if I already know you from the very beginning...why is that?" hearing those words knocked him back to reality, history repeats itself as they say. Sukuna realizes that getting close to you only puts you in danger, having to repeat losing you the second time Sukuna cannot take that risk at all. Now his only option is to push you away, to keep things in control, to take it all back. "No, I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way as you do..." words like this left a sour taste on Sukuna's tongue, even though he didn't mean to say any of those things he still did for her sake. "I hate being with you like this, I am sorry that I don't feel the same way as you do. I hope that...you'd find someone...good enough..." Sukuna feels lost right now, just the sight of her face slowly coming into tears breaks him. It breaks him to see you like this.

But if it's for your sake, he would do anything even if he has to push you away from him. He would do anything, if history repeats itself. That is why he chose to make you hate him so that it would be easy for you to leave him, without any regrets. "I hate you...Sukuna, is my love for you not enough? Am I not enough?" tears soon shed and chests aching. "I hate that I love you this much, when you can't even love me the way that I do. I hate myself for holding onto you, my love..." but of course he can't say that now, can't he. Now, Sukuna is standing alone watching the woman he once loved disappear right from his very eyes, again.

"I would never want to see you slowly die in my arms again, I'll hate love until the very end for not letting us to be together in this life...maybe in another life..."

a/n ; I was frowning typing these pieces. I hate it I think I am not gonna sleep well for tonight. 11:41 pm.

taglist ; @sammushy @ryuuudesuwa @gcj-doesart @jasugoi

if you want to be tagged/mentioned leave a comment down below!

content/s ; part one | part two

[nihyunluvskookie]

my love

Seungcheol one shot

Pairing: Choi Seungcheol x Female Reader

Genre: fluff

Word count: 2.5K

Warnings: no warning, since it's fluff

Author’s Note: So, the reader is desi, and meri jaan is an endearment word that means my love or my life, in Hindi. These two words sound so cute and beautiful. I imagined Seungcheol saying these two words and I almost malfunctioned lmao; hope you like this fluff, because it's his birthdayyyyyy.

happy Seungcheol dayyyy

happy reading :)

“Shua, it’s all done and now we just need to go pick this sulky baby. Jeonghan is with him, right?” I turned to look at Joshua who was checking the decorations. “Yes, you need to go.”

“I still wonder how the ac and the heater broke in Jeonghan’s apartment suddenly and that also today? God really planned something for these two today” Luna laughed all of a sudden at my words, “You are right, this trio is inseparable” She looked at Shua, and Shua just smiled.

“But thanks to them, we met each other right?” both me and Luna nodded at Tia’s words. I remember how Jeonghan was excited and nervous to break the news of him dating Luna, his co-worker. But by the time I started dating Seungcheol, Shua was already in a relationship with Tia.

“Tia saw more bromance than us” I looked at her, “enough talking about us, we need to check everything and it’s almost time, go get ready Nishi, you need to pick him up” I checked the cake one more time, I was really nervous with baking this cake, I can trust Luna in decorating the cake with cherries and icing because she bakes a lot and I love her baking.

“Go Nishi, you can’t be late” Luna came and gave me a hug, the bonding I formed over with her is something, makes me so happy here. Like having Seungcheol by my side is something I can never thank enough anyone for but having Luna as my bestfriend here, with whom I can share almost everything without feeling embarrassed, I just feel so happy. “Okay, okay” I saw Tia talking with Joshua, they looked happy. I smiled at them and went to change clothes, I brought. Sometimes, my clothes are in his closet and some of my essentials, because according to Seungcheol, why shouldn’t I leave my traces here when I’m already his, that doesn’t make sense but it makes sense to him. I walked towards the mirror after changing into the dress, I applied nude makeup and fixed my hair, I just kept it neutral and natural, he shouldn’t know that we are having any birthday party for him. it’s supposed to be a surprise party.

I walked down and saw three of them laughing at something, they turned to look at me. “oh woah, so domestic” I looked at Tia shyly, “please Tia”

“what? You look pretty.” I went to stand infront of her. Luna came and held my shoulders, “good luck with bringing him home and I just talked to Jeonghan, he said he is waiting for you because everything is settled up” I nodded.

“And don’t worry about anything else, we will manage everything. Just text in the group once you leave Jeonghan’s house.” I nodded at his words.

“Okay, so I kept cherries on the kitchen table and there’s frosti-

Luna didn’t let me complete, “go now” she pushed me towards the door. “and flower bouquets are right here so don’t worry about them as well, we will make this surprise, one of the best surprise Seungcheol ever got, okay” I nodded and smiled.

“I’m leaving then” I waved at them and went towards my car.

I started driving towards Jeonghan’s house. On the way, I was wondering what do I tell him? just tell him that I was passing by or just tell him I came because I missed him? how do I tell him without ruining, I need Jeonghan’s help. I need to tell him, I was up for some work and just returning and was on the way to buy something, making an excuse is driving me crazy, really.

I was trying to calm myself down, I called up Jeonghan, without second thought. he picked up in the first ring , “what excuse do I use? To bring you both home together?”

“I can tell him I want a sleepover at his house?”

“Yoon Jeonghan, god.”

“I know I am”

“You and your god complex, anyways you need to handle that. I will reach in few minutes. Once you see my car just come down and he can come after you”

“Okay” and he hung up.

After almost fifteen minutes, I pulled infront of Jeonghan’s apartment. I looked at the clock it showed me 11:20 pm. I sighed in relief. I dialed Seungcheol’s number.

“Don’t you want to go home or what? Or just stay with Jeonghan whole day.”

“Where are you?”

“wait for you, come out please” I sounded so normal,

“What are you doing here?” and here he goes with asking me, “and that also after 11pm” right this is kind of my first time picking him up at late night, it’s usually him but it’s fine to exchange roles for a day. “I’m just doing what you do. You didn’t take your car, you texted me this morning when we talked. So I thought I could give you a ride on the way back home.”

“Coming my love” I hung up the moment he said that word, god, my heart can never stop doing summersault whenever he calls me my love. This word have such an huge impact on me, he will never know it; he can never understand how insane my heart gets when he calls me ‘my love’

“So are you ready?” I almost got an heartattack the moment Jeonghan shut the door, “Jeonghan?!”

“what?”

“You scared me”

“Sorry Nishi, I didn’t mean to. I wanted to get inside the car before him.”

“Still, gosh”

“what did you tell him?” he asked me, “I told him I came to pick me up, since I am on my way to home.”

“Good, he was being lowkey sulky today since he thinks we are not celebrating his birthday”

“That’s something……..” I trailed off, “nice” and smiled at him. we high-fived each other and just laughed at eachother, Seungcheol was taking a bit of time, more like he was locking the door and everything, according to Jeonghan, he just gave him this work because he wanted to talk to me before Seungcheol gets in the car. I told him others prepared everything.

“But did your heater and ac got fixed?” I asked him, “yes, Seungcheol was complaining about it when he entered my house, like the cold air hit him like what” he started laughing about it.

I saw the door open, “Hey”

“Hi” and he sat and closed the door, “you came before me” Jeonghan just showed his smiled.

“How are you? I didn’t see you for days and who knew I would be picking you up while being on the way home”

“Awww, meri jaan” I abruptly stopped everything, I thought I was hearing things, ‘meri jaan?’ Seungcheol would never. I eyes widen in surprise, I felt like screaming, “He said meri jaan” I looked at Jeonghan and then Seungcheol back and forth, my mind couldn’t process anything, “Seungcheol!!!” I called out his name because I couldn’t hold back anymore, “he said meri jaan” Jeonghan repeated again, I couldn't believe my ears,

“what?”

“he said meri Jaan” this was Jeonghan repeating for the third time, and I was trying to get my shit together, he just can’t trigger me off with one word and wrap me around his fingers like this.

“What did you say?” I looked at him

“meri jaan” his eyes oh jesus christ, his tiny voice would make me lose my mind.

“meri jaan?” I repeated myself he nodded, “yes meri jaan” he should know these two hindi words can make anyone lose their mind and specially mine because yes, that’s my language and how am I supposed to deal with it. It’s his birthday in half an hour or something and he is making me lose my mind.

“Where would you learn that from?” Jeonghan asked Seungcheol, leaving my dumbfold,

“Where would you learnt that from??” I was in shock

“what do you mean, she calls me everytime?”

“No, I never called you meri jaan before” I just called him once, “It was just once!!” I felt so exposed, “She loves these words” I wanted to hide somewhere, he was exposing me infront of Jeonghan .

“But-But” I wanted to defend myself, he should know that him calling me, ‘meri jaan’ is something very, my mind just blank for a moment when he gave me a quick kiss all of a sudden. “You two, please let’s go home” I heard Jeonghan, this would count as his favorite act, because he never kissed me infornt of his friends till now. I was way too flustered to even start the engine, “Nishi, we need to go back home” I nodded, “Ye-yes”

I started driving towards his home, I checked the time, it was 11:28pm I took a deep breath before driving and I didn’t forget to text Joshua about it. I wanted to change the topic, “Jeonghan are you staying overnight with him today as well?”

“yes, I like his house” we burst out laughing, I was being very conscious the whole time, I was driving because the way he was stealing glances at me wasn’t helping me to concentrate, “were you at work?” I nodded, “I had overtime today” and the truth is I took a half day at work for him.

I stopped the car at the traffic, I looked at him once, he was talking to Jeonghan, the way he looks like my daylight, he lights up everything around me, he just made everything so better for me.

Seungcheol entering my life was the most life changing thing that happened to me. I never knew I could fall in love again like this and so beautifully with a person who would be my constant like this. His smiles are the reason I smile now, his words always find ways to me, to make me feel better when I am having a bad day. He just knows how I find home in him.

I started driving again and I made it by 11:50pm, we still have 10 minutes, before I let him inside.

“It’s late meri jaan” I turned my head to look at him, how can he say those words casually? “Seungcheol” I looked at him, I can’t explain how it alters my brain chemistry, I love it when he calls me meri jaan, I might get addicted at this point, and he is just…. Being adorable with that, “meri jaan” here he goes again….

“It’s late, are you sure you will drive back home right now? Why don’t you stay overnight?”

“Seungcheol, she can go back home, she can drive.” Jeonghan replied instead of me, I almost apologized Seungcheol for lying, how can he be so adorable. “Jeonghan, I can’t let her drive way back home at almost midnight, it’s not safe” he genuinely looked concerned which I felt he was; he was always this concerned for me about everything, for him my safety and comfort came first, never have I ever been treated like this.

“It’s okay cheol, I can manage” I just knew Jeonghan was trying to hold back his words and laugh.

“Or do you want me to drive you back? you already worked overtime today. I can drop you off”

“And then what about you? Who will drop you off?”

“I can stay with you” he smiled and gave me a quick peck.

“Seungcheol, enough let’s go inside” If Jeonghan didn’t speak I would've been lost in him, how can a human being be like this, “oh reminds me I need water, can I get some water then I’ll leave” he pouted, “sure, why not. Let’s go” I looked at the time, it was 11:58pm; didn’t know time flew that fast, we just barely exchanged words.

I parked my car and walked with him, he held my hands and I just smiled at him. I love the way we are, we just need to hold our hands to understand eachother.

Jeonghan stopped right before, “open the door Seungcheol rather than smiling at your girlfriend”

“Yoon Jeonghan you’re so annoying, you won’t even let me look at my Nishi, oof” The moment he opened the door, the clock struck at twelve.

“SURPRISE~” Joshua’s voiced echoed, I felt even his neighbors could hear Joshua’s voice

Seungcheol stopped where he was, “Happy birthday” me and Jeonghan said in unison.

“Let’s go inside” I held his hand, he looked so happy.

Luna switched on the lights, and Jeonghan gave her a hug.

“Guys, I didn’t expect… like thankyou so much”

“You deserve it all” Jeonghan said and gave him a hug, Joshua joined soon after that. Tia came to stand beside me, “they look so happy together” I nodded.

“OKAY YOU NEED TO CUT THE CAKE SEUNGCHEOL, NISHI BAKED IT” I looked at Luna, she ran to bring the cake.

The cake was fully decorated and it looked so cute, I loved the way Luna decorated it.

I lit up the candles, “time to make a wish” he closed his eyes and blew the candles.

“happy birthday Seungcheol”

Everyone looked so happy and the moment I saw him smiling at everyone, it felt like my life flashed right Infront of me, after he cut the cake and everyone ate it, although they urged me to the first one to eat, he fed others and he looked so happy.

I can never get tired of his smile, they heal me. everyone was talking and gave him gifts, that’s when I remembered, I kept his gift on his bedroom. I held his hand and took him to his bedroom, everyone else was teasing but I didn’t care. They just want to have fun.

“Nishi…” I dragged him inside his room. “Wait here” he looked at me, “this is my room” I nodded, “yes I know, so wait for a second” I went to the table, and brought the flowers and the gift.

Only the night-light was on, I walked towards him, “Happy birthday my everything” I gave him a quick peck and gave him the bouquet first, “thankyou meri jaan”

“Cheol” I pouted, “what?”

“I might get addicted to your ‘meri jaan’, do you know how harmful is it for me?”

“I might learn all the words for you now, meri jaan. Your language is beautiful” I shook my head, I can’t with this boyfriend of mine.

“here’s your birthday gift” I brought him a watch, he opened and looked happy, “thankyou so much”

“this is beautiful” he smiled at me, he suddenly held my waist and pulled me closer, “thankyou so much for everything” if I could I would just drown in his eyes, I put my arms around his neck, “meri jaan”

“See you called me, meri jaan”

“Because you are, you’re meri jaan” I kissed him after telling him, I just love him so much, I loved him more than I ever could.

“I love you.” I smiled at his words, “I love you too, Happy birthday my love” and then he kissed me.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Can you write some Dream with a Filipino! Reader please???

Beer

Dream of the Endless x Reader + Corinthian x Reader

Summary: You want to get drunk because he's gone. Oh, and Corinthian is so going to take advantage of that.

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: Filipino!Reader, gender neutral!reader, I use filipino, mentions of heavy drinking/drunkennes, angst, fluff, typos, etc.

A/N: Hey nonnie, tbfh, being filipino played no part in this fic besides the fact she speaks some filipino and sings a filipino song, which is why i added in the warnings instead of the pairing lol ANYWAY, this can kinD OF DOUBLE AS A p2 for Thorn At My Side, although it kind of doesn't really mention much about what happens in that fic and is mostly centered on my fav nightmare But whatever I am tagging everyone who commented on that @cleverzonkwombatsludge @pinksirensong @lexi-anastasia @aralezinspace @emy635 @libra207 @secretdreamlandmentality @deniixlovezelda @shadow-pancake9 Please listen to Beer by Itchyworms, because that's what reader is busting out a lung to here's then english translation if you're curious Part 3 ig "Not Enough"

Corinthian snorted as he watched from his personal corner of the bar. He was deeply impressed by how drunk, yet on key the singer was as each song progressed. This, he notes, would be the 3rd drunken and broken hearted song confession of the night.

When it ends, the crowd cheers but the performer does not care.

Corinthian smirks to himself, taking a sip of his drink. If heartbreak was the recipe for a star performer, then more people should try getting their heart ripped out.

The intro of the next song started to play.

The guitar riff to the familiar tune made my heart clench. Much like the song, I took a swig of beer-- whoever's it was didn't seem to mind. It tasted horrible. I never liked beer. But the burn down my throat was exhilarating. It was well welcomed with all this sorrow in my chest.

I mistakenly use my bottle as a mic when I sing the first lyric.

Someone in the crowd telling me this was made me realize it.

"Dahil wala ka na," I sang the next line.

Because you're gone.

I smack myself with the beer bottle when I begin to think of Dream.

Fuck that.

Corinthian licked his lips, grabbing his glass as he made his way closer to the performance. He pushes his shades up and places a hand in his pocket as the music from the speakers grew louder with every step he took.

He surveyed the room. Corinthian thought of how much of a waste it was for the crowd to be as receptive and appreciative of the performance, though they had no idea what the words meant, when the singer was too intoxicated to even be able to tell.

Corinthian listens to how the lyric about returned gumamelas was sung, how beer was dumped down on it like a sad throat, and how, much like your feelings, the flower was still very much alive after it all.

It was so pathetic it was funny.

Corinthian downs the last of his own drink as the chorus started.

Nah, this was definitely the limit. Aint no way anyone that hammered is making it past the chorus.

He rolled his shoulders, readying for the inevitable, as he enjoyed the severely vulnerable words of the song. The nightmare in him thrived in the pain. It pays to be language omniscient. At least he could thank Dream for that one thing.

Corinthian was nearly a second too late when it happened.

I blink rapidly, my lightheadedness distracted by the gasp of the crowd. It was pretty weird that my head wasn't hurt by the impact of me falling after tripping on a mic chord.

"Steady there, doll face."

I look at the smirking blonde before me, swearing I knew him, even though I didn't.

"Aw, it's Corinthian, babe. I can't believe you'd forget your favorite nightmare," he says, getting me onto my feet, "alcoholism doesn't suit you very well."

He leads me off, placing the mic on the stand. The crowd stirs. I turn over to the TV still flashing the lyrics of my song, "hindi pa tapos."

Not yet done? Corinthian pulls me close to him, brow quirking, "I'm pretty sure you're past done, doll."

I turn to him when I crash onto his firm chest. I barely see my reflection on his thick glasses. I realize he was holding a cup of water in his hand when he brings it up to my lips.

I take the glass from him and drink it.

"Honestly, I should just kill you."

I choke on my water. I feel it come out of my nose.

Corinthian chuckles dryly, shaking his head, "wouldn't you like that? Your Dream Daddy broke your heart. Don't you wanna break his?" The sound of my coughing makes Corinthian think he might not have to do anything for the moron to die.

He grabs the cup from my hand, sets it on a random surface, and leads me out of the bar as I continue racketing my lungs.

"Geez," he pats my back, "you secretly have TB or something?"

I shrug him off as we walk down the pavement. He watches me as I look at him, "you know my dad?"

"What?"

"Sabi mo 'dream daddy', eh hindi-"

This bitch really talking about a dad?

Corinthian mutes out the next words, turning his attentions to the street. He pulls me to the left so that I don't step on a smallish pothole I don't even see.

He peers down to his side, finding the rant 10x more annoying since it was being spoken in a language the idiot was clearly very comfortable with.

"Shut up," Corinthian snips.

I turn up to him, furrowing my brows, "are you my boyfriend?"

Corinthian snorts, ripping me back by my top when I continue walking, though it was a red light. I choke on my collar as I wind up falling back into his chest.

"That depends on how pissed off dad would be if I were."

"It's none of my dad's business who I date."

Corinthian hums, "but it is my dad's."

"You have a strict dad?"

Corinthian snorts, lips curving into a lopsided smile, "oh, you have no idea."

We begin to walk again, and Corinthian turns up to his right when he catches sight of a fluttering black bird. He pulls me closer to him, throwing his arm around my shoulder. He dives his hand to his pocket and takes a stick of gum, popping it into his mouth. He chews it, enjoying the mint for a moment.

"Good news, babe," he starts, "I'm your boyfriend now."

My face contorts, "what?"

"Nightmare."

I am abruptly pulled into a stop. I topple against Corinthian.

"Daddy dearest," said nightmare states, hand gripping one of my shoulder's firmly, "to what do I owe this pleasure?"

I look at the man he was addressing, the dark hair and blue eyes make my stomach churn, but I push it away as I look up to the grinning man I was next to. I wrap my arm around his torso, as not to be left in such an awkward position. He turns to me, licking his lips.

"Your dad isn't blonde?" I mutter.

Corinthian laughs, "no he is not. It's kinda funny you don't remember."

"Enough."

Corinthian turns to his maker. He watches as Dream's face tenses, "unhand your captive this instant."

"There's no captive here, pops," he tilts his head, turning to me, "tell 'im. Aren't I your boyfriend, dearest?"

"Uhm," I think, then turn to Corinthian's dad, "yes, sir."

Corinthian holds back a laugh. He wills his face into neutrality. It takes everything in him not to flat out yak at Dream's furious look. Still, he exercises his self-control well.

"You heard it yourself."

"Except," Dream steps forward. A bunch of passersby gives us all weird looks. "You clearly got alcohol-"

"I didn't get alcohol anywhere."

"Oh? Then why does it reek-"

"You know why," Corinthian blurts, "a consequence of trying to forget you, Dream."

"Dream?" I perk up at the sound, turning from Corinthian then otherwise. When I catch his face, when I realize who the man with the dark hair and blue eyes before me was, I hide myself in Corinthian's chest. My heartbeat begins to exhilerate.

Corinthian finds himself acting out of instinct. He pulls me close to him, "don't worry, baby, I got you."

Dream fumes.

"Besides, he can't banish you in your own neighborhood," he smirks to Dream, "now can he?"

"Corinthian," Dream utters with a conviction that shakes the nightmare to his core. It makes him tense. It makes his stomach drop.

However, the spreading feel of wetness on his shirt snaps him out of it.

"Yeah," Cori says, "bye."

I grip on him tightly as we begin to walk away. A chill runs down my spine when he pass Dream. Corinthian experiences the same thing.

We make it down the block in relative silence, relative because beyond the sound of cars, there was a soft voice in my mind calling out to me.

Corinthian silences his own by speaking up, "you wanna have some sinigang? There's a Filipino restaurant just across the street."

I close my eyes, listening to the sound of his heartbeat, as I nod against him.

[butchkaramazov]

A Shade Darker Than Red: Chapter 3

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Six months passed by. The results of our board examinations were out. I had scored around 95.6%, surprising even myself. Paro had scored 97%.

“Always two steps ahead of you, Renu,” Maa said playfully. 

“Mediocre coaching,” I laughed, pointing at Paro.

She smiled back. Her lips were pressed into a thin line as she tried to cover her teeth with her hand. On wild impulse, I leaned forward and gently pulled her hands apart. “Not happening,” I said.

Paro looked at me like I had punted her puppy into the sun. 

I rolled my eyes. “Stop looking at me like that, idiot. Have a sandesh.”

That day, I was once again invited to watch her practice. I sat on the edge of her bed, swinging my legs and trying my hardest not to glance at her heaving blouse. 

She was dancing to her favourite Hindi song, which was, rather unnervingly, starting to grow on me as well. 

I watched her as I scribbled incoherent lines of poetry—poetry, or desperation? I do not know. Everything was red, anyway. The only poetry I could think of right then, was Paro.

A swat of black hair sent me tumbling back onto the bed—did she just slap me with her hair? Paro quickly paused her playlist and climbed onto the bed, leaning her elbow on the headrest. She still looked at me like I was the stupidest thing she’d ever seen.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, not looking sorry at all.

“Doofus,” I muttered, grabbing her elbow and pulling her down with me. “If I go down, you go down with me.”

Laughter echoed throughout the room as she fell on top of me and roamed her fingers along my sides, trying to find my ticklish spots. I let out a strangled laugh, rolling over on my side. 

“I’ll—I’ll tell Mumma,” Paro gasped between laughs.

“I’ll tell Mumma,” I mocked her, making her laugh. I could drink up that sound, smear it over my wounds like it was ambrosia. 

A comfortable silence ensued, broken only by her fading chuckles and the creaking of the bed as I sat up. “Wanna go out for ice cream?”

Paro raised an eyebrow, arched perfectly over her almond eyes. “At three in the afternoon?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Paro leaned her elbow against my knee, using my leg as a lever to push herself up. “Sure, okay.”

I climbed off the bed, holding up a finger gun. “I’m not letting you go today, Topper-ji.”

Paro rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Miss Head Girl. Text me when you get home.”

@avani-amulya @manujanolavu @nirmohi-premika @lovesickpdf @arachneofthoughts @sonilaalbindi @desi-yearning @alhad-si-simran @thatpagalchokri @trashmeowcan @waitingforthesunrise @vellibandi @thesunandstarss @chanda-chamke-cham-cham @damnn-dorothea @the-unhinged-fanwinggg if you wanted to be added or removed from the taglist, please let me know<3

(we're in the denial phaseee guys and gays) this was pretty short, but we have smth intense coming up next sooo :p (LISTEN I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BOARDS OK PLS DONT COME AT ME)

[dailysimoneashley]

Actress Simone Ashley, 27, grew up in Surrey before moving to Los Angeles alone at 17. She found fame starring in Netflix’s Sex Education, watched by 40 million in its first month. She starred in season two of Bridgerton, which became Netflix’s most watched show in English in its first week. She lives in London ~ Times UK

Teachers called me “the brown girl” at school. I remember if I ever failed a test or misbehaved, the teachers would say, “Which one? Oh, the brown girl.” My first kiss was with a really popular boy in primary school but he denied it to our friends and said, “I would never kiss the brown girl.” I don’t speak about it much because I don’t want it to sound like trauma porn, but it is very real.

I didn’t grow up in a world where people would say, “You’re brown and beautiful.” I have always loved the colour of my skin. But the more I work in this industry, I look back and think no young person should ever feel discriminated against like I was.

We had champagne after we finished the sex scenes in Bridgerton. It felt like we’d done the hardest bit of the whole 11-month shoot. We did all of our intimacy scenes in one week. It’s a lot, gearing up for that every day and making sure you have enough sleep, doing whatever you have to do to make you feel ready. I am confident in myself and my body.

Therapy helps me clear my head. It can be a bit of a circus in this industry. There have been times when it was overwhelming, lonely and all a little bit crazy. The worst thing to do is to feel like the world is against you. Therapy has helped me learn how to communicate better, control my emotions and find useful skills for when things feel overwhelming. It means I can not take life so seriously and just enjoy it. If you can afford therapy, it’s an interesting way to learn more about yourself. Taking responsibility for yourself and who you are as an adult is important.

Corsets push everything down to the bottom of your stomach. That means when you take them off, you’ve got a little bump. I hated wearing those corsets filming Bridgerton. They’re so beautiful, but I hate them – never again! Luckily, we’re allowed to wear bras now instead and that has changed everything for me. I can do a 12-hour day and feel comfortable.

Going to an all-girls’ school made me grow up late. I was late to the part where I was interested in boys, and other parts of being a teenage girl. I was very much still a child when I was 14 or 15.

My mum tried to teach us Hindi and Tamil, but we grew up watching Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap. Growing up between England and California, it was hard for me to tap into that. My mum would speak on the phone in Hindi, or talk to us in it, and I understood it. That ability has gone now, but I feel at home when I hear other people speaking it. Because I left home so young, I didn’t have the means or freedom to spend much time with my family in India. My mum also made me play French video games, so I learnt bits of French.

I wasn’t happy in England as a teenager. All of us have had a bit of a rough time at school. But I felt happy in California, where I spent a lot of time as a kid.

I want to give more people tattoos. When I was bored in Los Angeles in lockdown, I did lots of stuff like tie-dying and learning a language. Then I realised how easy it was to get a rotary tattoo pen, found a nice design and gave myself a tattoo. On some sets that I work on, people are like, “Cool, when we wrap, give me a tattoo.”

My white male counterparts have had it very differently from me. They have more of a voice. I have had to work harder to have that kind of equality. I have learnt to have my own power. I might be different, but if I respect myself and use my voice, eventually the people around me will give me that same treatment.

Empowering a minority shouldn’t be taboo. Especially in the UK, we love Indian food, we watch so many movies inspired by Bollywood music. The people from that community deserve to be empowered and loved. It shouldn’t be a taboo thing to say, you’re brown and amazing.

Simone Ashley stars in a short film for Johnnie Walker’s Bold Steps campaign with Diet Paratha

[bbarican]

୧ ‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡ --- lazy sunday:

hi tumblr! how are you guys? happy sunday!

i was working the whoooole day kahapon kaya i just really want today to be super lazy and all about myself

so thats why im:

sleeping in as much as possible kasi i really feel like ever since last weekend, hindi parin nakaka recover fully yung katawan ko

pushing myself to clean my room and organize my stuff kasi ang kalat nanaman ng gamit ko sa kwarto ko and we all know by now na i cannot think straight pag ganito yung itsura ng kwarto at ng gamit ko

seeing my bestfriend for lunch and coffee! im really excited to see her kasi nga i dont see my friends as often anymore which is okay but syempre its still the best thing ever when do have time to catch up

really gonna take my time and enjoy the food ill order later kasi i dont want to eat too fast and end up feeling super bloated when im already in my favorite restaurant, baka masayang lang yung opportunity

so yeah, besides that, as much as i love listening to atarashii gakko a lot recently, i feel like my ears need a break since their songs are all so upbeat so im gonna have a super chill and laid back playlist playing in the background while i clean up in my room

happy sunday, tumblr! i hope you all have a super lovely day with your family and friends!

[caelus-69]

OUR GOOD OLD SCHOOL SONGS

HELLO THERE!!

I am here to write on Indian norms and believes and my ideas on them. Mind you i will never say that it's wrong or not ,i will just try to analyze it.

Today, I will be talking about those old school songs you sing in school assembly. That's right I am talking about songs like "tum ram kaho, ve rahim kahe" or "haar desh ma tu , haar bhesh ma tu, tera naam annek tu ek hi hai". Now if you think logically , that's a bizarre thing to sing that hindu and muslim gods are the same. If you study sociology just till class 11th NCERT textbooks, it says in chapter 4 'culture and tradition' each culture (here in religious aspect) cann't be similar to each other . One culture opposes the idea other cultures follow. But the song which we sing in our school assembly literally says that Hindu , Muslims, Christian, Parsee (etc) are all same and what hindus call ram is allah to muslims .

One theory can be that these songs were written during the non-cooperation movement, it was sung to bring hindu and muslims together and fight as one. But if you look for evidences about when were these songs written ,there is no strong evidence to say that it was written around 1924. The argument still continues that why are every other school songs in india talking about how all gods are one and all religion are one. Some people may also say that it's just a metaphor when they say that all gods are one ...if so do explain why do they call our worship places same ??

In the end i would like to state that this song "tum ram kaho, ve rahim kahe ,dono ki tallaj allah se hai' was first sung in 1961 from were it got popular and now we sing it in every school of India , putting up a theory that this song maybe concerted as a metaphor for some but in reality it just pushes young Indian minds aka. children to believe that YES we all live here together , YES we all are same , YES WE ALL ARE equal.

SO, next time you heard this song REMEMBER it's not just a song , it's a social order exercised on us and you may think that no it doesn't effect me but maybe not you but some where , some one is effected by this song and is tiring to make India a country as depicted in this song.

JAI HIND

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELLO EVERYONE AGAIN!!

Recently , sociology has fantasized me a lot so I decided to study it on my own. I am still a amature so please don't jump on me. This argument i must say is a chaos but it kinda conveys what i am trying to say .

English is not my first language and trust me language is not my strong side so again please don't jump on me. And to all those who wish to criticize me my chat is open for you guys , also if anyone have a question or a doubt or a suggestion (to add in here , for a topic you guys want me to write upon , a topic you want to discuss, etc) please use the chat ,it's open for you guys as well and it need not to be a sociological topic ,can be anything (when i say anything ,it means anything)

And to all those comrades of mine who are stuck with hindi, this glossary is specially for you<<3

tum ram kaho, ve rahim kahe ,dono ki tallaj allah se hai - you call him ram ,they call him rahim , but both are calling for allah( i did it myself so ya it's not accurate but you can get the gist )

haar desh ma tu , haar bhesh ma tu ,tera naam aneek, tu ek hi hai-you are in every country ,you are in every form ,you may have different names but you are one JUST ONE.

At last i would like to thank all of you who read this . I will see you guys again.

[marie31joy]

The side unseen

I wish I could share with everyone who you are. I wish I could tell everyone how childish, and narcissistic you truly are. The fact that you appear like a good guy to everyone else frustrates me. How could I have missed the real you before we were married?

Over the past few years, I have made a great effort to put all the sufferings you inflicted behind me because I don’t want to give the kids a broken family. I can still remember how you used to push me away every time I tried to communicate about our relationship and how unavailable emotionally you are every time. It goes on for years. I set everything aside knowing that I am the last thing you will choose over everything in front of you. I am not going to settle for that kind of treatment ever again. Remember when you said "Humanap ka nalang ng iba kasi di ko kaya bigay ang hinihiling mo" on my birthday. I let it all pass, knowing that I am alone in this relationship. Taking it daily, my heart must have been strong enough to handle everything you have put me through. All the infidelity, the lies, the manipulation, and how you turn things around and make it look like I am the bad person for reacting to the physical, emotional, and mental abuse you put me through. You even called me crazy for saying what I feel. It hurt so bad that I even tried to kill myself. I took a handful of mefenamic acid in front of you and you didn’t even give a flinch and I wondered how I was still alive the next morning. I won't forget the time that I cried and begged for you to love me, but I got up the next day like nothing happened because I didn’t want to give "those people" the satisfaction of seeing me suffer. I won't forget how you treated me when I was pregnant with your child.  Being called “maarte” for the reason I would like to go to the hospital due to excessive nausea. It is because of hyperemesis but you still insist na pwede naman pigilan? I vomited blood. Like WTF, I was carrying the little child inside of me for you to think that I am intentionally harming myself. I just want to remind you the time I asked you to buy me food in the middle of the night because I was hungry and you bought me fried chicken from 711 when I already told you I don't want to eat fried food, and throw that packet of food straight to my face? While im fucking pregnant and was just asking for food in the middle of the night? I can still vividly remember everything that happened during those many nights that I begged to talk to you. I can still tell the pain of how I begged to be loved until the day I started begging for you to let me go.

I tried to get help from people who love you enough to talk to you, expecting somehow you will listen to them and will change for the better, for the sake of this family that we created. They loved you enough that all they could say was "pag pasensyahan mo na" to justify all you are doing and make it all valid. During those times that you were having an affair, I tried to talk to them too, but the first thing that came out to their mouth was "O sinong may kasalanan?" I was waiting for them to talk to you and teach you accountability. There was a time too that I told her about us having a fight, she told me na “kaya nga tinutulungan para di mag away.” Like ako ba lagi dahilan ng gulo? Did someone ever ask kung anong nagawa mo? Wala! All they can see is that I burst and fought. Without asking the reason for what happened. I know to myself that I am not going to explode unless I have too much. Yes, I am taking note of everything, hoping that someday I will get enough courage to expose what I have been through. Don't get me wrong, I am never a perfect wife, but I never intentionally do things that I know will ruin trust or anything. I even talk to church people but all I hear is that "gawin mo lahat ng makakaya mo, patawarin mo pero pag di parin ng bago, hindi mo na pananagutan yan sa harap ng Panginoon." Well, you did change and stopped having an affair but the way you treated me still says otherwise. I started questioning God why I needed to suffer that much from you. It is ruining me and everything in me. My mental health as well as I started to question my sanity.

The way you choose to ruin the business we've built so hard shows how irresponsible you truly are. Though you managed to fix it all on your own, I cannot trust you again as I know you were in circles and will repeat the pattern over and over, as well as the other businesses we've started, somehow did not grow, because you will choose to use the business money when problems arise rather than find another way to solve them. The ending is that I lost the fuckn business. I even booked your appointment to get your passport just to know na hindi mo kinuha dahil mahaba ang pila. I really would like both of us to come to Australia and build a life for the children, but it seems that we're not on the same page of the book. 

Don’t get me wrong again, I came here with the dream of having you and my children one day. I didn't come here to escape you or so, but do you remember the time when I told you that I was going to cut everyone who was not aligned with the dreams I have for my children? You never listen, you didn't take it seriously. As far as I can remember, I fixed and planned everything for your life to be easy before I left. From the very first month I arrived here, you ruined everything. I keep receiving chats from people about this and that and those are not going well. I tried to communicate but all I received was "Anong kailangan mo?!" You're saying na lagi akong galit kausap so you are not talking to me? While it should be the other way around. I am mad because you are not communicating with me. I lost 7kg in 3 months due to stress or maybe depression. How about the time I told you how alone and abandoned I felt because you could go days without checking on me? You answered, "Iniisip naman kita, kailangan pa ba ipamukha? " That is dumb! I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts and wanted to cut myself and all. I was alone and away. Having panic attacks all day and never-ending pain and noises running through my mind. For you to tell me that I am only looking after myself here, but you don’t understand everything that I am doing is for you and the children.

Whatever my decision was, has nothing to do with you or anyone else. I didn't even think of getting even. It's just about me my children and my happiness. If you think that I am doing things for revenge, sorry, I am not even thinking of you. I am moving on while in this relationship until one day, it's gone. Just know that it took me years and years to get the courage to let everything go. I woke up one day, I’m done crying and hurting. I somehow see myself mirroring the things you are putting me through. Thinking you might see yourself in me. Hindi ito "ganun ganun lang" and that for 13 years, na puro mali mo lang nakikita ko? FYI those things that you did are your responsibility and why would you even expect to be commended for the things that you should naturally be doing for your family? I have waited for years and years for you to man up and get your shit together. You should be the one in here and I should be at home taking care of my children. Please know that I can't wait forever. I know what I bring to the table and if you can't prove that we need you, you’re out. I made up my mind and all I think about is giving the best life to the children that I have birthed and my happiness. Don’t ever question the love I have for them. Don’t even question the loyalty I have for you all through those years, you know I stayed through everything. I risk everything just so I can get the life I always dreamed of.

I am not going to convince anyone. My real folks know how I had been treated and abused from the very beginning. They know how I keep showing big smiles and showing up to work with bruises on my face and body. They even mistaken me for going into dialysis because the bruises on my arm were so bad and that is ridiculous. We laugh it off and move on like everything is fine. They know how I endured being in this narcissistic relationship and how I tried and tried to fix anything for the sake of this family.  I am tired of minding what everyone thinks. All I have now is the dream that someday I will be able to give my children a better life. I am not going to make myself smaller just to make you comfortable and I am also tired of being the bigger person na laging umuunawa. I want to be heard at some point pero pinili ko manahimik and endure all the bullshit you are putting me through. I need to be wise for the boys. It disappointed me when my family asked me to fix it for the sake of the children. Why would I fix something I did not break? I would rather have a broken family than have my children grow up in a traumatic environment. It is funny too that you asked me if we can still be friends. That I can open up with you if something is bothering me here? Like you should have done that while we are together. I don't need you and I don't need your fake ass telling me you wanted to be friends with me. I am cutting you off and deleting you in my life. My whole life with you was all chaos and lies.

Oh! Did I just remember bad things? What about the good things he did? Like what? Bring me to work, prepare food for the children while I sleep? What else? The only beautiful thing you gave me was my children. To tell you honestly, what you are doing is the bare minimum. What are you proud of me for? The Unisilver wedding ring? Are your loans that I have benefited from? Who makes it harder to pay all that? You want me to do the wife thing while all you do is to give me craps and scraps. To the point that if I allow you to handle everything, you will do nothing but destroy. And no! Not this time. I have been covering you with my light. I have been doing the work in this relationship and all you think is yourself. You were sleeping while I worked at night, I was taking care of the children in the morning while you worked and I will sleep when someone takes over to look after them. Then you will blame me for the things you have done for me, when should it be your responsibility?

But wait, there's more. I left my dogs with you knowing you know how to take care of them. I have access to the CCTV to check on my dogs daily until one day I lose the access. I am asking you everyday if you have fed the dogs and if they are being washed, I keep ordering dog foods and anti tick medication only to know they are not being fed and washed since I left. And that you only feed them whenever you want to. Mauna mo pang paliguan ang motor bago ang mga aso. Until one of them died. That's the time I figured out how terrible their conditions are with you. They are infested with ticks and that is the reason they died. I am so guilty leaving my dear baby dogs with you. You are so cruel to them. Nakakatawa how you have the guts to post their pics like you lost something you have loved dearly, but in reality, they died of negligence. Nakakatawa how you have been posting on facebook how you choose distance over disrespect when I have all the rights to get mad at you, for ruining the business, finances, feeding my children funshots for dinner after buying parts for your new motorcycle, and killing my dogs? What else do you want to ruin in my life? I stayed silent away from you even though it kills me to know na wala ako nagawa to protect everything. You have ruined everything I left in your hands. Sana masaya ka sa ginawa mo. I wish you all the best.

Binigo ko nanaman ang mga tumaya. I had a bad habit of disappointing people but this time I will choose myself. Please forgive me for all the choices I made, you know what you did, and you know that it took me years to have this courage to finally get out of the situation. I am not coming back, even if you ruin everything, I worked so hard for and have me deported, I am not coming back to you. And for my family, I am tired being the bigger person. It gets me nowhere. I am tired of being asked to keep quiet to keep the peace when it crushes me from within. I know that I am going to disappoint you all again, but this time I am saying this most humbly. I am choosing myself.

[carnalapples]

hi!!!!!! i have questions!!!!!!

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

9. How do you find new fic to read?

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

Hello thank you for the ask Rowan!!!!!

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

I’m pretty proud of the different AUs in rivers; I enjoy thinking through all the chain reactions that would have had to occur for a certain set of circumstances to be in place. I’m also really happy with how the world of my Hawke/Sebastian fic is coming together, although I still need to do a lot of work before it gets someplace I’d be happy publishing (and I am impatient). The Free Marches are such a good playground!! I like the idea that Ashna’s sister is Inquisitor in this world, even though it barely comes up lol. She recruits the templars as one major change, and I like the potential mirroring of a dynamic between the Hawkes and the Trevelyans. (The more I look at what I consume and write, I really like strange family dynamics lol!)

While I'm off-topic, wedding ceremonies. Real or fictional, I'll never get tired of learning about them, lol.

9. How do you find new fic to read?

I am a very picky reader at times, haha. I usually have an idea not so much of what specifically I want to read but what kind of mood I want to be in. Sometimes I know I want like a modern AU or a specific trope, or I might have Thoughts about one part of canon and want an AU specifically about that… (ME2 Horizon...) So usually I just go on AO3 to the fandom and filter characters/pairings and explore, sometimes with specific searches. For DA in particular I love the Black Emporium Exchange collections, the rarepairs are so good!

A lot of the fandoms I want to read for are smaller, so I'll just gradually work through everything that looks interesting haha. Really often, I’ll go to authors I enjoy and check out their bookmarks; because of this, I read fandom-blind a lot and have often gotten into fandoms after reading fic, which is always a fun time (This is how I got into Dragon Age, actually! And why I’ve read so much Mad Men fic for someone who has never seen Mad Men LOL)

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

I think I tried to stretch myself with a heart because I'd never written a continuous multi-chapter story before. Really, I took a risk with risky business; I’d never written for Zevran or Josephine before, and I was so nervous because I wanted to do it right and on a deadline. I don't know even now if I matched up to what I wanted, but with the deadline, I had to get it out there no matter what, and I couldn’t back out; that really helped. I think now when I write and I'm going over something over and over or delaying posting, I can ask myself: is it going to get any better with the skills I have, or is posting this and moving on to something else the way to grow?

Also, every time I write sex is pushing my comfort zone lol, I always post and think "oh ok, that's out there." Slowly trying to expand said zone.

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

I’ve recently been sidetracked from all things Dragon Age, and have been bouncing between that Miranda/Shepard fic and this fic for a Hindi movie I watched a while back. (At this point, I'm getting distracted from distractions 😭) A few lines from the latter:

He thinks that as much as he wants to protect Akira, she is the one protecting him. From getting old and bitter and somehow from dying. Suddenly, he feels a hollowness inside him, the conspicuous lack of something. The lack of her body and her warmth pressed tight up against him. The lack of her voice and her incessant chatter. His life is very quiet without her. Figuratively speaking, which is another thing he doesn’t really do without her. This life is not conducive to metaphor.  Her pants were too big, that’s what he remembers. They lent her the extras they had, and if they were big on Krishnan, of course they’d be big on her. She had to cinch them up, and he hates the way he feels when he thinks about it. 

Thank you again for the ask!!

[iiyexnalang]

i'm making sure na i won't care anymore of what other people would say to me and about me. bahala na lang talaga kayo dyan.

i'll just focus on travelling this year, pushing the business idea a little to the side to prioritize what i want to do first, but i'm still making sure na i save up for it and eventually do it.

people are getting angry that i'm planning to go on vacations, kasalanan ko ba? na after working for almost three years this is what i want to do now? na i've saved up for it and i deserve it now? bakit sa kanila it's coming off as selfishness or not helping family first? selfish oo, pero not helping family? obligasyon ko ba yon? wala pa ngako nakakamit sa buhay, i'm just starting to help myself and people expect me to help others already? as a kid who spent years taking care of family in and out of the hospital, selfish parin bang matatawag yon? haha nakikita palagi yung pagkukulang ko pero yung efforts ko before and ngayon, hindi?

i will prioritize myself over and over starting today.

[alicenowonderland]

𝓹𝓪(𝓰)𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓪

Two words, 𝓹𝓪𝓰-𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓪 and 𝓹𝓪𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓪. Breathe and rest.

For the past few months I could feel that my mental health status is declining. I could not acknowledge it at first for the reason that I think that it is a sign of a weakness and I cannot show weakness since I am a Mom, I am the first-born child, I am the eldest sister, I am a social worker, and I am a mental health professional worker. I cannot give up. I have a lot of responsibilities in ny shoulder and I have to fight.

But sometimes, the more I hold on, the more I push myself into believing that everything is fine it becomes worst up to the point where I became anxious and stressed over the things that I cannot control anymore.

I get tired. I cannot breathe. It feels like even the air that I am breathing is not for me anymore. I feel like giving up. But God is really good. I prayed and he send people to help me.

I always tell my parents my plans as an assurance that their daughter still has a plan on her life and they would always make me feel their support and love. They always tell me that I should wait and take my time. Really, it is just me who is putting pressure to myself since I saw people at my age or younger than me achieved greater things that I was so blinded by it that I cannot see how far I have reached. Thank you Mommy and Dadi Mey for always making me feel loved, secured and heard.

Myy brother, Karl, he may not give me advices but he is still there to listen and to comfort me. Also, to confront me when I did something off.

I felt suffocated until I got the urge to tell Ate JenyBeth how I really feel. People see me as a happy and jolly person but my thoughts are eating me. Thank you Ate Jen for saving me while I am drowning in my thoughts thinking I am not good enough and I am not worthy since I am always comparing myself to other people’s achievements. Thank you for reminding me that we are all uniquely good and that I am me.

I wanted to rest.

And God gave that to me.

Kim, Ate Ran and I really has a plan to go on a trip to breathe and to take a rest.

But the Lord is good. He knows what I need. He knows what to do. He has plans for me.

A week before our trip, my friends from work asked me to go with them at La Union. Nature healing really works for me. I can breathe and at the same time, I can rest. Even if it is just a day, I coul feel the serenity and the peaceful life I can have and I can choose.

The week after, our trip was pushed through despite of a lot of obstacles due to work schedule. Thank you everyone in the trip, our organizer and coordinator Macoy Adventure, the three couples who are our new friends now, Ate Julie and Kuya Noel, Kay and Ron, and Ate Sienna and Kuya Wil. Thank you so much to my friends who got really the best chemistry of each other, my high scool tropa John Robert, my college best friend Kim Aguilon, my college friend Allen Dela Cruz and my workmate Ate Ran Odango (sorry hindi ko kayo mahanap sa tags huhu).

My two weekends has been fun. A lot of realizations come in and I took my time to realize and acknowledge that: 1) This is just a phase, this will pass through. 2) Acknowledging that something is wrong with me is not a weakness, but a strong will to live and change myself for the better. 3) I have a support system. I am not alone not like what I used to believe. There are people who loves me, supports me and cares for me. ❤️

With all that, I am not ready again to face adulthood together with my role as a mother. I am now ready to breathe again and re-focus my mind towards my goals without looking or comparing myself to others. 💗 Self-love must really comes first in that I can also take care and love the people who is always there for me.

To God Be The Glory! 😇🙏🏻

[matchaaaaaagirl]

Rock bottom

March started hitting me to rock bottom. Ever since my dad died, my birthday isn’t been the same. I always miss him. I always look forward to getting a hug from him. I always wonder what it feels like to have a complete family celebrating one’s birthday. I know I’m still not healed from this, it will always be painful. Even though I will push myself to be happy every time my birthday is coming, it’s getting harder and harder.

Sobrang lungkot. Sobrang lungkot na wala akong maka-usap at masabihan how I feel right now. And it feels suck to ask for someone’s help. How it sucks to be in this situation that you long for someone. Ang sakit na hindi ko na maalala kung paano kami nagcecelebrate ng birthday noon na kasama siya, saan kami kumakain. Paano ako nagiging masaya at kuntento basta complete.

Pa, sobrang miss na miss na kita. Ilang taon na nakalipas pero parang pakiramdam ko, kahapon lang ‘yon. Gustung gusto ko mayakap ka. Gusto ko makasama ka kahit isang oras lang. miss ko na marinig yung boses mo. Pero alam ko, mas masaya ka dyan sa heaven. Hindi ka na nahihirapan just like how I feel. Pero Pa, please send me some comfort, some hugs because I badly feel so alone right now. 😭 I’m trying to be the toughest baby girl you could ever have but sometimes I’m really breaking, madadapa. Help me get up. Help me to get the rest and comfort that I need. Ever since you left us, every birthday wish I have is hopefully I can spend more time with you but I know it’s really impossible. I’ve been sleeping and sleeping lately maybe because I wanted to see you there, na kahit doon lang. na baka doon sa dreams ko makausap kita at mayakap kita kahit paano na sasabihin mo na proud na proud ka sa akin, sa mga accomplishments ko. Miss na miss ko na boses mo. Thank you for teaching me how to be brave, how to always fight life to be tougher in life’s challenges. Salamat kasi sa lahat ng life challenges mo nakita ko kong paano ka lumaban at naging matapang sa lahat, na sabi ko sa sarili ko, yun ang gagayahin ko. I always wonder paano ka lumaban sa lahat ng sakit mo na paano mo tiniis at kinaya lahat hanggang dulo. Na gustung gusto mo pa rin lumaban pero your body gave up on you. I’m sorry Papa pag may times na naiisip ko sumuko na lang, na pinagdadasal ko na sana magkasakit ako para di ko na kailangan i-end yung life ko. Sorry papa kasi alam ko at those times hindi ko naho-honor yung promise ko sayo na you’ll be always proud of me. Sobrang hirap lang kasi talaga Papa, nakakapagod. But thinking of you, all your battles, especially silent ones, makes me stronger even more. Palagi mo naman ako babantayan diba at hindi papabayaan? Sobrang pagod ako right now, papa. At sana makatulog ako. At ang hihingin kong gift sayo, sana po pagka sleep ko bigay mo yung birthday wish ko. And sana paggising ko, and sa birthday ko, i’ll be happier.

[vatt-world]

hi

Act 1: Establishing the Connection Scene 13: Bill Meets Amy (Street/NYC Café – Day) (Bill is walking down a busy NYC street and runs into Amy.)

Bill: Amy? Is that you?

Amy: Bill! It’s been so long!

Bill: (Laughs) Yeah, how’ve you been?

Amy: Good. Busy, as usual. it’s crazy running into you like this!

Bill: Yep, same here. You?

Amy: Actually, I’m working on a musical project. Want to grab a coffee and catch up sometime later ?

Bill: Sure, let’s do it.

amy i will text u .

Scene: Amy and Bill Visit an Art Exhibit (Art Gallery – Evening) (Amy and Bill walk through an art gallery, looking at abstract paintings.)

Amy: I don’t get these paintings. Just random colors.

Bill: (Laughs) Maybe chaos is the art.

Amy: (Smirking) Says the guy writing a solo show about chaos.

Bill: (Touching his chest, mock hurt) Hey, my chaos has meaning!

Amy: (Laughs) Glad we’re having fun, away from auditions for once.

Bill: (Nods) Yeah, we needed this.

Scene 14: Amy and Bill Discuss the Hindi Musical (Street/Café – Day) (The next day, Amy and Bill are seated at a cozy café booth.)

Amy: The musical I’m working on has bollywood influences. It’s about finding hope in chaos.

Bill: Sounds amazing. I’d love to audition!

Amy: You’d be perfect for it.

Bill: (Smiling) Thanks. I’m also working on something—a solo show.

Amy: Really? What’s it about?

Bill: It’s my story as an actor—the ups and downs. Still rough, but I want it to be raw.

Amy: I love it. Let me know if you need help.

Bill: I will. And I’ll love to read your musical script too.

(They clink coffee mugs, smiling.)

Scene 6: Collaborative Scriptwork (Studio Space – Day) (Amy and Bill are in a studio, working on the musical script.) Bill: (Applauding) That was incredible, Amy.

Amy: (Smiling) Thanks. It’s the opening song for the musical.

Bill: It’s powerful. Maybe hold the last note longer.

Bill: (Pointing to a line) What if we use “Dil se” here instead of “From the heart”?

Amy: Good idea. More authentic.

Bill: How’s it going with the musical?

Amy: Act 2 needs work, but it’s getting there. What about your solo show?

Bill: Slow progress. I want it to be personal but relatable.

Amy: You’ll get there. Let’s keep pushing each other.

Bill: Deal.

////

Act 2: Bonding and Tension Scene: Amy and Bill Discuss Rejection Over Drinks (Bar – Evening) (Amy and Bill sit at a bar, sharing drinks.)

Bill: And then they said, "You’re not what we’re looking for." No explanation.

Amy: (Laughs) Classic. They love keeping it vague.

Bill: You make it sound easy, but it’s not.

Amy: No, it’s tough. But your solo show gives you control.

Bill: Yeah, but I feel like I’m trying to prove myself all the time.

Amy: That’s why it matters, Bill. Keep at it.

Bill: (Softly) Thanks, Amy.

Scene 44: Bill and Amy Catch Up (Coffee Shop – Day) (Bill and Amy sit at a cozy coffee shop.)

Amy: How’s the solo show?

Bill: Slow. It’s not coming together like I imagined.

Amy: It’s always messy in the beginning. Keep pushing.

Bill: I will. How’s the musical?

Amy: Struggling with the ending, but I’ll get there.

Bill: You always do.

Scene 7: Rehearsal and Argument (Theater – Afternoon) (Amy and Bill are rehearsing a scene from the musical.)

Bill: We need more here—props, maybe LED screens.

Amy: No, it’s about authenticity, not spectacle.

Bill: But we need to attract an audience.

Amy: I won’t compromise the message.

Bill: (Sighs) I just don’t want to fail.

Amy: We need balance, Bill.

Scene 8: Confronting Fallout (NYC Street – Day) (Amy and Bill walk down a busy NYC street, tension still present.)

Amy: Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling?

Bill: I didn’t want you to think it was just about the money. I have debts, family issues…

Amy: I get it, but we can’t let this ruin everything.

Bill: I know. I’m sorry.

Amy: Me too. Let’s fix this together.

Scene: Amy Shares Her Own Doubts (Riverside Park – Day) (Amy and Bill walk through Riverside Park.)

Amy: Sometimes, I doubt if I can pull off this musical.

Bill: You’re the most talented person I know, Amy. Don’t doubt yourself now.

Amy: It feels bigger than me.

Bill: That’s what makes it worth doing. You’re not alone—I’m here.

Amy: (Smiling) Thanks, Bill.

Bill: We’ll make this work.

/////

Act 3: Rekindling Hope and Partnership Scene: Amy Helps Bill Rehearse (Amy’s Apartment – Day) (Bill is pacing in Amy’s living room, trying to perform a monologue from his solo show.)

Amy: You’re holding back, Bill. Feel the words.

Bill: (Frustrated) It’s not coming out right.

Amy: Close your eyes. Think of your most vulnerable moment, then try again.

Bill: (Takes a deep breath, delivers a more intense performance)

Amy: That’s it. That’s what you need.

Bill: (Relieved) Thanks, Amy.

Scene: Amy Introduces Bill to Her Producer Friend (Café – Day) (Amy and Bill sit across from a producer at a café.)

Producer: I’m not sure this fits what we’re looking for.

Bill: (Disappointed) Got it. Thanks for your time.

(The producer leaves, and Bill looks deflated.)

Amy: Don’t worry. We’ll find the right person.

Bill: Feels like I’m just hitting walls.

Amy: It’s just a detour, not a dead end.

Bill: (Smiles) Thanks for sticking by me.

Scene: Amy and Bill Visit an Art Exhibit (Art Gallery – Evening) (Amy and Bill wander through an art gallery.)

Amy: These paintings just look like random colors.

Bill: (Laughs) Sometimes chaos is the art.

Amy: (Smiling) You and your solo show about chaos.

Bill: (Mock hurt) Hey, my chaos has meaning!

Amy: (Laughs) Glad we’re taking a break from all the stress.

Bill: (Nods) Yeah, we needed this.

Scene 45: Bill Shows Amy the Theater (Small Theater – Day) (Bill takes Amy to a small, intimate theater.)

Bill: This is where I’ll do my solo show.

Amy: (Looking around, smiling) It’s perfect. It’s got heart, just like your story.

Bill: You really think so?

Amy: Absolutely. You’re going to own this stage.

Bill: (Smiling) Thanks, Amy.

Scene 75: Bill with Amy – Promenade – Night (Support System Solidified) (Amy and Bill walk along Brooklyn Promenade, gazing at the skyline.)

Bill: Feels like I’m still far from where I want to be.

Amy: Look how far you’ve come. You built something from scratch.

Bill: It’s hard not to feel behind.

Amy: You’re moving forward, even if it’s slow. We’re in this together.

Bill: (Touched) Thanks, Amy. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Scene: Amy and Bill Share a Quiet Moment (Small Theater – Night) (Bill and Amy sit in an empty theater, looking at the stage.)

Amy: It’s surreal how much we’ve done.

Bill: Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it.

Amy: It is. The struggle makes the victory sweeter.

Bill: (Smiling) You’re right. I’m glad we stuck with it.

Amy: Me too. No matter what happens, I’m proud of us.

Bill: (Softly) Me too.

(They sit quietly, appreciating how far they’ve come.)

////////////////////

Act 3: Rekindling Hope and Partnership Scene: Amy Helps Bill Rehearse (Amy’s Apartment – Day) (Bill is pacing in Amy’s living room, attempting to perform a monologue from his solo show. He’s visibly tense.)

Amy: (Watching closely) You’re holding back, Bill. You need to let go and really connect with the words.

Bill: (Frustrated) I’m trying, but I just can’t seem to get it right.

Amy: (Stepping forward) Close your eyes. Picture the moment that makes you feel the most vulnerable. Now, say the lines again.

Bill: (Takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, then delivers the monologue with more intensity)

Amy: (Nods, satisfied) That’s it, Bill. That’s what I’m talking about.

Bill: (Exhales, relieved) Thanks, Amy. I needed that push.

Amy: (Smiling) You’ve got this. You just have to trust yourself.

Scene: Amy and Bill Visit an Art Exhibit (Art Gallery – Evening) (Amy and Bill wander through an art gallery, taking in abstract paintings.)

Amy: (Laughing) I never understand half of these paintings. It’s just a bunch of colors thrown together.

Bill: (Playfully) Well, maybe that’s the point. Sometimes chaos is the art.

Amy: (Smirking) Says the man who’s writing a solo show about chaos.

Bill: (Touches his chest, mock hurt) Hey, my chaos has a purpose!

Amy: (Laughs) I know it does. It’s just nice to have moments like this, where we’re not stressing about shows or auditions.

Bill: (Pauses, then nods) Yeah, it really is. I think we both needed this.

Scene: Amy Introduces Bill to Her Producer Friend (Café – Day) (Amy and Bill sit across from a producer in a trendy café. The conversation feels a bit awkward.)

Producer: I appreciate the passion, but I’m not sure it’s the right fit for what we’re looking for.

Bill: (Trying to mask disappointment) I understand. Thanks for your time.

(The producer leaves, and Bill slumps in his seat.)

Amy: (Reassuring) Hey, don’t let this discourage you. We’ll find someone who sees your talent.

Bill: (Sighs) It just feels like every opportunity ends up being a dead end.

Amy: (Determined) It’s not a dead end—it’s just a detour. We’ll keep pushing until we find the right person. You’ve come too far to give up now.

Bill: (With a faint smile) You’re right. I’m grateful for you, Amy.

Amy: (Smiling back) Always, Bill.

Scene 45: Bill Shows Amy the Theater (Small Theater – Day) (Bill takes Amy to a small, intimate theater, with rows of worn-out seats and a small stage.)

Bill: (Excited) This is where I’m planning to perform my solo show.

Amy: (Looking around, smiling) It’s perfect, Bill. It’s got that intimate vibe where your story will really connect with people.

Bill: (With uncertainty) You think so?

Amy: Absolutely. This place has soul—just like your show.

Bill: (Smiling, feeling reassured) Thanks, Amy. I wasn’t sure, but hearing you say it makes it feel real.

Amy: It is real, Bill. And you’re going to own that stage.

Scene 75: Bill with Amy – Promenade – Night (Support System Solidified) (Amy and Bill walk along the moonlit Brooklyn Promenade, gazing at the Manhattan skyline.)

Bill: (Sighs) I still feel like I’m miles away from where I want to be.

Amy: (Pauses, then stops walking) But look how far you’ve come. You’ve created something from scratch, Bill. That’s huge.

Bill: (Smiling) I know, but it’s hard to shake the feeling that I’m still falling short.

Amy: (Places a hand on his shoulder) You’re not falling short. You’re climbing, step by step. And even if it’s slow, you’re moving forward.

Bill: (Touched) Thanks, Amy. I don’t think I’d have made it this far without you.

Amy: (Smiling) And I wouldn’t have made it this far without you, either. We’re in this together, remember?

Scene: Amy and Bill Share a Quiet Moment (Small Theater – Night) (Bill and Amy sit together in an empty theater, staring at the stage.)

Amy: (Quietly) It’s kind of surreal, isn’t it? How much we’ve put into this.

Bill: (Nods) Yeah. Sometimes I wonder if all the struggle is worth it.

Amy: (Looking at him) It is, Bill. The struggle is part of what makes the victory so sweet.

Bill: (Smiling) I guess you’re right. I’m glad we stuck with it.

Amy: Me too. And no matter what happens, I’m proud of what we’ve built.

Bill: (Softly) Me too, Amy. Me too.

(They sit in comfortable silence, reflecting on how far they’ve come and looking ahead to what’s next.)

[ngititayokaibigan]

HOW'S LIFE LATELY?

Moving on, going forward.

This is what life is about. You have to continue moving forward as long as you live. No matter how painful or hard your situation is, you have to push yourself up.

I got my heart broken last May and it was a difficult one. Imagine, huling kita niyo ng mahal mo mismong anniversary celebration niyo pa tapos hindi na siya nagpakita ulit sayo. Ang masakit, ginawa mo lahat para maayos ang problema pero siya, kalalaking tao napaka duwag. Di man lang umaksyon o magbigay ng effort. Isang malaking turn off kaya okay na lang din na naghiwalay kami. Ayokong magmahal ng tao na one sided lang. Ilang beses kong pinaniwalaan ang mga sinabi pero bagsak talaga pag dating sa kilos. Wala. Ako pa naman pag nararamdaman kong ako lang ang nagdadala ng relasyon, nawawalan ako ng gana. May tao pala talaga na sa salita lang magaling. Oh well. I'm done.

So far, I'm enjoying my own company. I'm loving myself more. I love my job, I'm embracing my new lifestyle. Simple pero masaya. I eat what I want and go anywhere I want. Yun nga lang medyo nagkakasakit ako madalas gawa na rin ng malaking adjustment ng katawan ko sa night shift tapos nag babawas pa ko ng timbang. Masaya ako sa kung anong meron ako ngayon. Kahit pa walang lovelife. Okay na rin na mag-isa kesa naman sa nagmamahal ako pero sakit lang sa ulo at puso ang kapalit. I'm still thankful though. Lahat ng sakit at hirap na pinagdaanan ko mula May hanggang ngayon, napatunayan ko sa sarili ko na maswerte ang mga taong minamahal ko kasi kaya ko magmahal, mag sakripisyo at magtiis para sa tao. Kaya ko palang magmahal ng ganito. Pero wala eh, siguro nga hindi ko pa rin natatagpuan yung taong nilaan ng Panginoon para sakin. Umaasa pa rin ako na balang araw matatagpuan ko rin yung para sakin. Yung taong mamahalin ako tulad ng pagmamahal ko o higit pa sa pagmamahal na kaya kong ibigay. Yung pagmamahal na kayang panindigan lahat ng salitang binibitawan. Yung pagmamahal na tunay. Hindi yung pagmamahal na may ibang intensyon.

Hay. Tama na. Basta ngayon, ineenjoy ko ang bawat araw. Pahinga muna sa ngayon dahil galing sa sakit. Hopefully sa simula ng October makapag gym na ko ulit.

Looking forward for my Iloilo and Bacolod trip. Kinakabahan na excited kasi wala akong kasama. Nagyayaya ako pero walang available para samahan akong gumala. Baka ito na yung inaasam kong solo trip. Hahaha! Kayanin ko kaya mag-isa? Hmmm. Bahala na. Pero sana talaga may sumama sakin para may mag picture hahaha.

[the-mockinggay]

SELF Talk 5: Liwanag Sa Dilim (not a review)

Two days ago, I finally got a chance to watch Ramona Diaz's documentary And So It Begins, which premiered at Sundance earlier this year. I expected it to be like a throwback Thursday—something to bring back memories of the 2022 people's campaign, maybe even with a bit of nostalgia. I thought it would be a straightforward documentary about the hustle and bustle of that crazy election season. But after watching it, I realized it’s more than just a trip down memory lane. The documentary digs deeper, peeling back the layers of an event that, for many of us, was more than just a campaign; it was a turning point.

It got me thinking about how the campaign, the results, and the aftermath have shaped me, not just as a voter but as someone who genuinely cares about where our country is headed. Now, I’m not saying I’m out here waving flags every day and shouting "Uy, Philippines!!", but something in me shifted as the end credits rolled and the lights in the theater came back on.

I won’t lie—there’s a part of me that feels a deep sadness about the current state of our country. The election results weren’t what many of us hoped for, and today has been a constant reminder of that—the “kasamaan vs. kadiliman” battle that’s playing out in the current political scene, with an in-heat senator, an arrogant and delusional public servant dodging transparency, a family more invested in F1 races than governance, and a circus of clowns who unfortunately hold power up to this day. It feels like the entire country, including the 15 million+ who didn’t want this outcome is caught in the crossfire.

One thing that really stood out to me while watching And So It Begins was my disbelief at how many people still buy into the lies—the fake news, the glorification of a “golden era” that was anything but, and the intimidation tactics used against those who dare to speak the truth. It’s a reminder that our country still has such a long way to go before we can hope to see real change and elect genuine public servants.

This has led to some changes in how I interact online. There's this one social media who climbed its way up lately which I used to repost memes and funny content without much thought, but now I find myself "reposting" videos about the Senate hearings and other political issues. It might seem small, but I believe that spreading these messages, events, or short commentaries help the truth reach new audiences, even those who don’t follow me. Maybe, just maybe, the algorithm will work in favor of the truth.

After the election results, we vowed, “hindi na muling pipikit,” and that’s a promise I intend to keep. Like Taylor also said, “We gotta do it ourselves.” It’s up to us to fight back and push for the change we want to see, because clearly, they’re not going to do it for us.

This is a reminder to myself, and to my fellow Kakampinks as well, to never give up on our country. Just as those before us never wavered, we have to keep the fight alive. Our history is filled with people who stood their ground, even when the odds seemed impossible. They kept their hope burning, and now it’s our turn.

In the end, this isn’t just about the country—it’s also about who I am and what values I uphold. So, no matter how radical loving is, I’m going to keep pushing forward and be a light to others. 🌸

Sincerely,  

Me