#I still feel like I'm a highschooler. Bc there wasn't really an end to school? We just got our Zeugnisse and then left

[eclaire-went-bam]

can we talk more about how npd can really crush your interests

like how is it, whenever i find someone else who likes what i like, i automatically feel attacked or defensive until i can wager in some way i'm more familiar with the subject than them?

unless i myself have instilled that interest in someone, but even then, if they end up liking it more than me, i feel equally defensive.

if someone says i like something bcs of them, i still get defensive.

if i have a talent due to something i have passion in, it is imperative to be better at it than everyone i know, to find the flaws in other people's skills (which can be useful to teach yourself but not so much when you're finding ways to believe you're better). to never spend time leisurely enjoying my talent, but to need to CONSTANTLY top my last record. nothing less is unacceptable. if someone's better than me, then Clearly i must quit growing this talent

if i have a hobby that people look up to me for, i easily turn something i once enjoyed into a steadily raising standard and if i can't constantly be better, i may as well give up before i lose ly dignity

i can hardly pick up new hobbies, because if i'm not good at something immediately, i risk humiliation. i can't be new at anything, because if i'm not perfect immediately, i feel like i'd rather die

if i enjoy or am good at something and nobody's recognising it, then what's the point?

it makes me feel like such a child.

i used to really like reading and writing. i was hyperlexic. early in elementary school, i got into the highest lexile bracket & read everything in the library. i was constantly reading things at home. between the ages of 11 & 12, my state reading scores surpassed about 98% of students my age, i had the reading score of someone in college. i was told i was my english teachers best writer & critical thinker (& i would get upset if i was one lf the best, not the best. there's no point in settling for next best). my creative writing teacher had told the principal about my writing. meanwhile i also liked maths, i easily finished all my work before everyone else without the use of a calculator, but nobody recognised me for it. i got in trouble for getting 0 points on homework i did, but forgot to have a parent sign. i didn't get any recognition for speedy work in comparison to my amab peers. because of that, i decided to not even try. i would much rather fail my classes than be seen as average or not quite good enough. this same attitude persisted throughout highschool. although i was praised for being one of the best writers, i got so tired. i stopped reading, i stopped writing. because somebody might be better than i am. my little sister was good at reading through elementary and middle. she wasn't as good as i was, but she grew up with a much healthier family than i had & she got regularly praised for this when i only had been by my school. i didn't ever try to exert how good i was at english i was too over herw i supported her, but it also made me feel resentful & i just stopped trying to enjoy reading & writing because what was the point anymore? i stopped being known as the person who always asked questions, because i'd met other people that were like that too. i've nearly quit art so lany times. i can't even play a noncompetitive game without competition, because if i'm not constantly getting better at something, if i falter once, it could be grounds for a crash. if i get anything below a 95%, if someone recieves a score higher than me on something i genuinely tried on?

it's much safer to not try & pretend you don't actually care about it, because at least then it's an issue of effort, not what i am and am not capable of doing

yadda yadda yadda having npd fucking SUCKS sometimes but also i'm not gonna pretend my home life & school didn't enable this

[perks-of-being-a-nurse]

What made you want to become a nurse ?

hey @coldbrewman1 ! sorry I'm not sure when you sent this, I'm not super active on this blog anymore and mostly just post a mash up of things on my main @starfish-enterprise .

anyway! I don't have a super profound answer to this question. I've always been interested in medical things/the human body as long as I can remember. I remember looking at human body books I had as a little kid and stuff like that. this turned into watching medical shows, reading lots of random stuff, and sneakily watching medical reality/reenactment shows when I wasn't supposed to be watching TLC 😆

I've been pretty involved in scouts Canada since I was six going up through the program, and through scouts I had opportunities to do first aid training which I really liked. I also met a lot of amazing people who are lifelong friends who shared my same interests, and starting in highschool I was able to be involved in a "vocational program" focused on first aid and medical training and providing volunteer first aid for camps, scouting events, and community events. I have been able to be part of the medical service for three national scout camps with thousands of kids and it's amazing!

doing this volunteering kind of solidified in my mind like okay something medical is definitely what I want to do. originally I really wanted to be a paramedic, and the year after I graduated from high school I got my emergency medical responder license. I never ended up getting paid to work with that license (I did volunteer,) but I did volunteer under that scope. where I live it can be difficult to make a good wage starting out as a paramedic. BC has a provincial paramedic service, and it's a union (which is great) so it's all seniority based, so getting a full time position in a city can take a long time. on call hourly pay is terrible, and you usually start in a rural area where you might not get a lot of calls, so if you don't get any calls you could make just $14 for a 12 hour shift.

my mom discouraged me from pursuing that for various reasons, and she also really encouraged me to get a university degree, which is what most people do in my family. I didn't want to do just like a random biology degree, because I don't necessarily work well when I can't see a clear trajectory and a concrete end goal of what I'm working towards, if that makes sense. even doing a degree with the goal of med school still has a lot of possible routes to get there, and it's so much school, which is not my favourite lol. I also knew I still wanted to do something medical/health care related, so that led me to nursing! I applied to a few universities in my last year of high school, and I was accepted to nursing programs at Queens and Western universities in Ontario. I almost went to Queens, but I didn't feel ready to go straight into university after high school.

I took a year off, did that EMR course and licensing, worked at a grocery store and as a nanny, and did volunteer ski patrol (more first aid) at my local ski hill.

during that year I applied to my local nursing program which I wasn't able to apply to straight out of high school due to various course credit stuff which they have since changed. I was lucky enough to get in on my first try, which is amazing because there's often a long wait-list for this program. then I finished and became a nurse!

tldr: I like medical stuff, becoming a doctor is a lot of school, and paramedics don't make as much money 😆

anyway, I don't a have a super profound answer or anything, it was just a good career choice that worked for me. nursing wasn't a calling to me, its not really my passion, it's my job. it's a job that I really like and sometimes love, but it's my job, not my life. I think we need to hear more of that because it will help nurses get paid more and change public perception. I'm not nursing for altruistic reasons, and honestly I don't know anyone who is. the narrative of nursing being a calling or whatever needs to change imo.

sorry about my little diversion at the end there! there's the long convoluted answer 😆

[quiet-confessions]

I was so sure that I had ADHD or ADD, potentially combined with ASD but after seeing the psychologist and going through testing my diagnosis/suspected diagnosis is- Major depressive disorder (severe, recurrent) and generalized anxiety disorder, both of which were already diagnosed Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar type 1, and Anxiety. The last few days have now have been.... really difficult for me. He talked to me about psychosis, paranoia, melancholic disposition, my hyper-dependence, and I asked about Bipolar since it runs in my family I was not expecting schizoaffective disorder to be on that list and it really scared me to read it. I have a lot of internalized ableism I supposed about reading a schizo-spec diagnosis, immediately I felt the impulsive thoughts come on, I was scared of how my partner would react, and my close friends, my family

My aunt has Bipolar type 2 and I talked to her to ask her about what she experiences, but she also told me a bit about what runs in our family. Bipolar, anxiety, major depressive disorder, schizophrenia... even my own brother has gone to the hospital due to his hallucinations.

I've had hallucinations but I don't know, I guess part of me brushed it off thinking they were normal, and that everyone gets those. Now I'm reading more and more about delusions and I'm understanding more about myself, but also angry? I'm mad that I never got help, especially before getting like this. I have so much I need to learn, so much to unlearn, I'm likely going to need to change medications and that scares me- I already hate taking medications and I don't want to have to take a lot, but maybe it would really help...

The psychologist also wrote a bit how I wasn't displaying symptoms or that I didn't mention certain things, but I wasn't asked DIRECTLY so I didn't bring them up, partially still for the above. I was also masking hard, which has been a learned and forced behavior, especially when I'm in public and trying to focus or absorb info or perform well. I mentioned echolalia and he wrote it off because I didn't do it in the meetings we had, but I'm 24, not under 12. I've learned self restraint and can do it better than a child can. That aspect feels a bit unfair to me, but now I'm questioning everything about myself, my brain, my actions

How much of what I thought was undiagnosed ADHD or ASD what actually undiagnosed schizoaffective disorder and bipolar. How much better would I have performed in school? Would I have wanted to kill myself, or almost tried, in highschool? Would I be less obese bc of my poor coping mechanisms I didn't understand I was doing? Would I have more friends, would I have less trauma from past friendships bc of being able to recognize abuse better? I'm angry.

I want better for past me but I'm also so scared for what's in store for future me. I feel better have a label and a reason, but I'm scared of the label and have to get past that, I'm afraid of how others will see me, I'm having the 'the world is against you and your friends will hate you' thoughts, I'm having the imposter syndrome thoughts, but idk idk idk

I'll use this blog again to vent and write out my feelings. Maybe that will help me, and maybe writing will help me explain my feelings to my therapist when I see her in 2 weeks.

If anyone ends up reading this and is willing to comment advice, reassurance, their own experiences etc, feel free I think I'm feeling alone and confused right now, and definitely overwhelmed

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW : difficult relationship with food?, mentionned eating disorder, child neglect, child abuse, ableism

Can you help me understand my relationship with food better? I don't think I have and eating disorder, but I've become concerned when piecing together my childhood trauma and current relationship with food. I don't really know what to think of it.

I've been forced to stay hungry for long periods as a kid because my parents very rarely allowed snacks between meals, and the meal times were very strict. When they offered snacks, it was often nuts, "organic" cookies with poppy seets and vague lemon flavor - not great when it's your only option. They'd even withhold food when we were hiking for a long time because we "hadn't found a good spot yet"...

My dad also has some very unhealthy ideas about food, I suspect that he might fit the criteria for anorexia. He rose me with these ideas, obviously. He believes that forcing yourself endure pain is honorable, in general - he already got himself sick at some point from working out constantly and eating very little. That being said he also pressures me and my sibling to eat less just because he wants to spend less money.

As a child I would sneak anything edible in my room. I hid chunks of salt in tissues, raisins in some box I had in my room... My dad even found the bowl of noodles i hid in my nightstand as a teen (glad I didn't eat that honestly). I even had a bottle that ended up spoiling which resulted in a lot of guilt.

I only had free access to food at one of my grandma's, when I stayed at her place I could eat anything anytime and it felt good. She had snack / candy drawers and I'd pick what I wanted, but I know I also probably ate too much of it at once. It felt like I was rushing to eat because I finally could. This was when I was a teen, I wasn't a toddler or a child anymore.

I also always ate lunch at school from primary to end of highschool and since I'm autistic it was traumatizing. I would be hungry most of the time because my body pretty much refuses any food that doesn't feel right.

My parents also pressured me into eating foods that felt horrible (I was not "scared", I knew what it tasted like and I just couldn't). So I'd end up not always eating enough at family meals, too, when I had the chance. My parents never accomodated my disability and this includes food sensitivity. I'm 20 now, and I eat what I want around the house and I've learned to cook. I pack my own meal when I commute to uni, and I finally eat foods that feel safe. Still a lot of depressing ingredients but I make it work.

However I have a hard time handling hunger, I am always drawn to fat and especially sugary foods. I got my first cavities ever in the past 2-3 years, basically when I started this new way of life.

I also have quite a bit of gut problems, I will see a doctor soon I think but basically I rely on butter, pasta, bread and rice to fill me up. I can't pack meat/eggs because it would spoil, and I try eating vegetables often but it doesn't always help (and the fresh veggies are like... carrots, carrots again, carrots... carrots again with some carrots on the side - these are not a safe food so.. yeah). I do eat more nuts lately because I need to chew on something when studying, and it does help with the hunger.

I feel like I don't understand how to feed myself healthily (without being restrictive like my parents were bc it's all they taught me).

I have ways to deal with the material signs of this relationship with food, so I'm more interested in the core problem. Could you help me with this? Also if you have resources I'd be happy to see them. Thanks a lot :)

Hi anon,

I would ultimately recommend asking an ED-informed therapist or nutritionist about this. I know that maintaining a healthy diet after experiences like those is not an easy thing to do, and I don't want to give potentially counterintuitive advice.

I think a therapist could help in getting to the core problem of your complicated relationship with food, especially as a professional who will know what they're doing much better than an inexperienced volunteer. A nutritionist or dietician may help in the actual application of a healthier plate.

I hope I could help at least a little bit. Best of luck with everything and please know that you're welcome here if you need anything.

-Bun

[abcdosaka]

the life update 2.0

the unformatted stream of consciousness edition

i started working on monday. it's alright, been connecting with ppl, not being overly shy but i'm still adjusting to actually working 8 hours straight bc i've been doing legit nothing for 5 months straight. the people at my workplace are nice enough especially the ladies like there's one who i was lowkey scared of bc she kinda has a rbf and just looks so girlboss and professional but i messaged her and we talked and she's actually really nice :) anyway i've had enough work experience being the new guy and onboarding online that i'm not as scared as i would've been + i already know people at this company so i can kinda show my worth from the start

i got my period on friday and i was fucked up yesterday and today from cramps/headache so i got barely anything done so i need to do some work tmr cry T_T i need to remember work is not school i can't just procrastinate everything and i should actually work during and only during work hours. i give myself a pass though bc friday was just awful. also i was supposed to learn python before i started working but i didn't but idk feel like i can wing it there. i already know r and i learned java in highschool so it might actually be a breeze not to toot my own horn but i'm like pretty smart so

it feels like my pms (except its not really pre- more like first/second day of period) symptoms are getting worse the older i get. sometimes the symptoms are okay but more of them are just awful than not. i get really nasty headaches and intense fatigue for one, really bad cramps, joint pain and lower back pain, sometimes my boobs swell up and are really tender (compared to the normal level of tender), i'm either very irritable or sad, i feel like i can't eat and i'm bloated or gassy, i'm like constipated but i also need to shit all the time. like i cannot focus with these conditions. i couldn't this week bc its legit my first week lmao but i might start taking sick days for really bad periods. also maybe bc i took a walk before i started work but my allergies were REALLY bad all day

idk if it's my body aging (which is crazy bc i'm not even 23) or if it's bc i don't exercise as much as i should but idk i still do, like yes i do sit on my ass a LOT but i use the exercise bike a couple times a week and i lift a little bit (not as much as i used to). i haven't been able to go swimming in a while bc i think i had a uti (i didn't bother going to the doctor bc i've gotten 2 in like the last year and i hate taking antibiotics so i was like man lets just wait this out) and now i'm on my period. but other than that i swim pretty frequently.

the only issue w me is i'm a homebody but thats just bc i have almost no friends in my city lmao. esp since n has moved. (i kinda wanna call her but idk our in person chats are always so much better than calls like slight tangent but i can never hear her on the phone lmao)

honestly not mad at it like. did we only talk to each other out of circumstance? i think it's just a fact of life that most of our friends are borne from necessity at work school etc but once that ends only a few of them, maybe 1 or 2, will really stick around. but still like most ppl from uni i just don't think i'll ever talk to again and i wonder if that should matter to me or not. ngl sometimes the loneliness hits me but i don't think i've really lost my social skills in fact i think i've gotten a lot better compared to this time last year like sept 2022 - april 2023 was just a downward spiral for my social skills everything was so hard and my anxiety was prob the worst it had ever been and i wasn't very forgiving of myself. maybe bc i spend a lot of time at home but also i just don't really have a hard time talking to randos on games or in shops or whatever now. idk maybe i give less of a shit now or maybe my solitude is making my ego rise like it tends to.

i heard that was a thing, like if you spend too much time alone your sense of self becomes insanely inflated or deflated there is no middle ground. kinda facts like people are weird

but anyways i feel, for the most part, pretty chill these days. i think i could stand up for myself better now vs in the past. i texted sp again to say like "we should make plans" but i set up the last plan and like i drove her home last time too and we met at this kinda lame plaza bc she had an errand nearby so if she doesn't start the convo this time then i legit can't be arsed like i'll never talk to her again bc i'm gonna return the same effort i get. in fairness she told me that work is really exhausting for her and her commute is ridiculous like she lives by fucking farmland and has to take public transit everywhere bc she doesn't have a car. but we've never been close and i don't think our sense of humour or what we're interested in is all that similar so i get why she's not feelin it honestly me neither. no hard feelings but i will drop her tho.

holy shit this post is loooonggg. i'm not even done writing about shit but i think thats it for the life stuff so i'll make a new one

[appreciatingtokrev]

thank you! i'm happy to be back <3

that is a long time when things are going downhill but it is better to get out rather than later. that's great, it does show personal growth for both of you and it is nicer for things to end on a more positive note or a positive development. it really doesn't, everything become a hot boiling cauldron of mess and that's true otherwise ill feelings may start to develop too if the attempts keep failing or misunderstandings occurs.

isn't the pc version only for windows users though? i don't think gi and the others were planned for the play stations but they did so well so the company was able to do that. i suppose they don't see the need? because there will be more pc users than switch users and i highly doubt the game would be free for the switch version.

oh, i'm assuming he wasn't allow to teach the classes that you were in then? that's good because it probably would been a problematic problem to have. that is more convenience and that does sound like a funny story 🤣 that was the only incident so it's never been too bad.

if it's from tiktok then we had seen it. it is hard to depart from a childhood friend but the association would only lead to trouble and another reason why koko might been more keen to do it too since inui life would probably been in danger if they still kept ties with each other.

it is a realistic version considering how vile bonten crimes were but maybe inui might had died instead? because the last timeline in s1 both inui and koko are members of the corrupt version of toman. but it is hard to figure it out considering koko was only show in one page during the whole arc 😭 also, have you ever tried cosplaying? i'm getting the outfit together for makima (chainsaw man) but it's only bc i REALLY like the outfit and it's normal clothes that i can wear afterwards. but finding the blazer was a pain in the ass though 😭

i’m glad <3

yeahh lol. i just really really wanted us to work out bc i didn’t wanna lose them as a friend but that ended up not going great until a few weeks ago adhjfhf. very true, yeah.

hm not sure but i thought you can run gi on other systems too... never tried it or know anyone who does tho so what do i know. but if that’s the case, it’d surprise me ngl. hm. so i googled if it would be free on switch, and the speculators mostly said probably yes. bc, after all, one of it’s big advertisements is that it’s free (though you can spend a shit ton of money on gacha if you want to). honestly i just think it’s funny that they confirmed that gi will come to switch one day and then never talked about it again lmao

nope he’s never teached me, we would asked the school not to make him teach me if it was ever a possibility. tho it’s not even really a possibility bc the school i’m going to has like. two types of switzerland’s highschool? the fms & the gymnasium (not a gym-). that probably doesn’t tell you anything adgjhdh but while my dad could teach in either it’s only ever been the gymnasium and i’m in the fms now so yeah lol.

yes, very true. hm.. possibly, he’s dead, yeah, definitely realistic. maybe i’m mixing things up but isn’t bonten the timeline in which inupi & draken run a bikeshop together? adhjfhf. ig the big difference going on between koko & inupi in the bad toman and the bonten timeline is that koko chose to stay before, and then chose to leave. plus i don’t think corrupt toman was a sudden thing, it just gradually went bad so a lot of the people stayed thinking it will get better until it was too late. they originally didn’t know what they’d signed up for. meanwhile koko knew what he was getting into with bonten from the start so he got inupi away from it earlier.

never tried cosplaying and it makes me wanna cry 😭 one day i’ll sew myself venti’s whole outfit and cosplay him, that’s been a dream for nearly two years now... generally i hope to start cosplaying sometime when i move out & make my own money, but that likely won’t be in less than... 7 years 😭 so maybe i will start earlier. anyways that said i’m pretty close to a not 100% accurate low cost cosplay for valhalla kazutora (which was kinda an accident, i just started making my own merch bc i can’t order it lol) bc i’ve made his earring and am working on the jacket.. inverted colors but still. i just gotta FINALLY paint the logo on. and i wear similar pants on the daily plus my boots are boot enough i think. so technically i have everything except a wig lol. also also makima :0 ngl she looks pretty hot plus true, her outfit is practical, so i def get why you’re cosplaying her. even if i don’t like her at all too... ah i can imagine the blazer being hard to find 😭 tho i’m happy you managed to do it eventually!!

[liebelesbe]

.

[milf-harrington]

📓👀

describing a fic i've daydreamed about but not written (yet)

another from the au's folder: Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion (1997), platonic soulmates edition

i have the outline written down in my notes actually so lemme just copy-paste that, ft. direct quotes from the movie bc i was jotting these down while watching it sjfhskjkf (if i do get around to writing this tho, i'll probably adapt the dialogue and shit, this is just my notes) :

Steve and Robin live together in the city somewhere, and have for years; they have this When We're 30 pact going

Steve runs into Eddie at work and finds out about the reunion

[ S: "Munson? Eddie Munson, from Hawkins High in Indiana? I didnt know you were in LA!" E: *sarcastic* "well now that you know, will we be getting together a lot?" // S: "are you going?" E: "Id rather put [his cigarette] out in my ass" // S: "i guess i wont be seeing you at the reunion, but i'll tell everyone you said hi!" E: "why dont you tell everyone to go fuck themselves?" ]

Steve and Robin go home and go through their year book and then reminisce in their favourite diner

they flashback to high school, theres some light bullying, another flashback to robins prom where they ended up going together (Robin ends up getting stood up at the punch table, so Steve slow dances with her instead)

they fill out the reunion forms at the laundromat and slowly realise their lives arent that impressive ("We're still single and we've been living together for 20 years and I'm a hairdresser and you're unemployed." "..shit")

in an attempt to Fix That, Robin is tasked with getting them jobs, while Steve is tasked with getting them dates

after they give up and mope, robin comes up with the idea of them just bullshitting their way through it ("I mean think about it! Theyre still in Hawkins, they dont know what we've been up to!")

I feel like maybe they do argue and then one of them has the messed up dream but they wake up before they get to hawkins and they have a heart to heart about being soulmates before going in

they get caught out in their lie by fucking eddie of all people, who wasn't even supposed to be there (but he knew steve was going to be there and it just ended up happening) and then get ridiculed by their highschool bullies and lowkey humiliated

they decide to go back in as themselves, and rip into the bullies ("why are you always such a nasty bitch? You get some kind of sick pleasure frim torturing other people? I mean, yeah, okay, so Robin and I did make up some lame story - we only did it so you would finally treat us like human beings. But you know what I realised, I dont care if you like us, 'cause we dont like you. Youre a bad person with an ugly heart, and we dont give a flying fuck what you think."

Eddie apologises for blowing their cover, then comments that he never actually realised the extent of Steves issues with his old friends

They end up opening their own sort of beauty store; with Steve running hairdressing and Robin making clothes

Eddie comes in all the time and Steve always ends up buying him whatever he tries on

and that's pretty much as far as i've gotten with this one bc i, sadly, haven't really had space in my brain to flesh it out the way i want too

[aro-culture-is]

Am I aro spec?

I've been trying to understand myself more and why compare to everyone else, I don't end up with that many crushes? Well, even with the crushes I have they're still fuzzy and I can't fully remember them.

My first crush was like at 5 or so, and it was the kind where it's kind of obsessive? All I know in was a heavy interest and mostly took up my time for a few months? idk it was long, but I got over it. This is the only one that I'm fully think is a crush without a doubt. Then again, I found out I'm autistic now, so it could be a crush and that was heavily affected by that???

I know had one interest in a older family friend, but like... It wasn't big as my first one. It was still pretty clear I liked him as kid. Sometimes I remember as a vague, but it could because it's distant memory. (My head hurts thinking about it sorry)

Then I had a friendship around the same age as 5 or 6 that kinda fell into qpr (not very good one since I was major toxic brat at 5)? I didn't really had a crush on him, but "pretend things" is something I didn't mind with roleplaying. I have kids my own age being interest in me, but I don't remember feeling anything for them other than I don't mind them being "romantic" to me (honestly, I didn't get it bc like... I'm 5-6 and while clearly interested in the "happily ever after", it didn't... Click with anyone since my first crush?)

Fast forward to 9/10 where I felt kinda left out since everyone had a crush and boyfriend while I'm left out of it (Ik young and stupid, but eh...), so I did try to have a bf the same age as me over the net (yes yes, I know it was very dumb of me, but I was young and I thought maybe I'll it fix my situation) . It was nice, but I realize that I was to young and never had "romantic" love for him so I broke up over text (and never chatted with him again).

Ever since those interactions I started questioning at 11-13 if I was aroflux or cupio since I never really had crushes at much. I also thought I was bi at the time for some reason? So I tried bi-something aroflux and left it at that for a while before dropping it later. Reasons why is because I felt like I was trying to be apart of something and since I didn't have enough dating experience while also experiencing attraction to fictional characters I couldn't possibly be aro-spec. Oh yeah, since I thought I was ready for a relationship and I needed one to be attracted, I thought I was demi until I realize I could have primary attraction.

So in highschool is when I started to experiencing more feelings that made me switch between bi, heteroromantic, hetero-flexible which made me super confused and muddled. All I took from it now is that I'm definitely allosexual and possibly just het, but also the fact that when I experience romantic attract I felt overwhelmed with it. It also happened like one year then two years later it happens, but I feel disconnected with it and repulsed even though in thought I don't mind being in romantic relationships.

idk my head hurts thinking about it

hi,

the only one who can determine if you're aro-spec is you. From what I can tell, it sounds like you experienced the phenomena known as "puppy love" as a kid - a pretty common thing where a young kid gets super attached to a specific person, or the idea of that person. i've gotten really mixed descriptions from others as to if that is romantic in nature, so I'd err on the side of caution and say it can be but is not exclusively a romantic thing, and from the feedback i've received from alloros, is generally not later considered romantic attraction.

It sounds like your late elementary and overall middle school experiences are honestly pretty classic for many people, alloro and aro alike. Questioning and doing things that don't necessarily feel like good choices as much as things that you have to do to fit in? Super, super common throughout that time.

As far as this section goes, however:

when I experience romantic attract I felt overwhelmed with it. It also happened like one year then two years later it happens, but I feel disconnected with it and repulsed even though in thought I don't mind being in romantic relationships.

this sounds extremely similar to descriptions I've heard from various aro-spec individuals, primarily those who identify as grayromantic now.

ultimately, I would advise that it really isn't a big deal to just... hang out near or in communities you find helpful, whether or not you later identify with them. it's okay to not know everything about yourself. time alone doesn't always help - but having a supportive space of your questioning can be invaluable for so many parts of life.

i hope that this helps, and i invite others to respond as well. feel free to scroll through experiences in the #am i aro tag.

mod kee

[monthlymanga]

March Manga/hua/hwa Reads

-> Second Life Ranker

plot: A young man receives a relic he had given his younger brother who went missing ages ago for his birthday. He is devastated to learn that his brother had died in another world, cause? Betrayal by those he trusted most. He decides to go to that world to get revenge on all who had wronged his brother.

This one was amazing. The main character although the ruthless, uncaring types, has a soft spot on characters younger than him and it's adorable. He a character who knows who to care for and not to care too much. He understands his main goal even when getting involved with those around. I love his way of doing things and the way he keeps surprising everyone with how sharp he is. It's really well written and I'm so excited to see where it goes. A solid 8 stars.

It also has a novel for those who want to read it.

-> Beauty and the Feast

plot: A young widow living an aimless life in a small apartment meets the son of the landlord who ends up moving next door. The son, who is an athlete in highschool and has the appetite of two beasts is invited the young woman for dinner. Thus, starts a new point of her life where she begins to find her old love for cooking.

This one is absolutely adorable. 8 stars too. The lady is such a beauty God it kills me. And the way she's always so hyped to cook for him to the point she begins to start loving cooking again. The boy is also adorable and we basically get to watch him mature. The romance part of this is quite slow-paced. After all it features a widow getting over her husband's death and a clueless highschooler. It's just mostly very wholesome and I had no alarms blaring at any point in my head.

-> Boy's Abyss

plot: The story that follows a young boy struggling with his painful existence of life. He meets his favorite idol, someone he used to watch to escape reality, behind his town's convenience store. Getting involved with her, he is pulled into a further hole of lies, obsession and betrayal threatening to tear his life apart.

I'll be honest. I started this at the beginning of March and I'm still not even halfway through with it. It's already done way more emotional damage than it should. But art style, and interesting plot-wise it's very...unique. Ngl angst lovers will gobble this shit up. 5 stars bc I'm not good with angst personally.

-> My Love Mix Up

plot: It all starts with Aoki borrowing his crush's eraser only to find out that it has Ida's -the boy sitting in front of him- name written on it! Even worse, Ida saw the eraser in Aoki's hand thinks it's his!?!? Well, for the sake of his crush''s dignity, he might as well play along! A sweet story of miscommunication blossoming into highschool love!!!

This one was absolutely adorable. One thing I particularly love about the miscommunication is that how it was resolved peacefully with no unneeded drama. No sir, this manga is a happy wholesome manga for our two extra special boys! I love how open Aoki is with his feelings while Ida is still trying to figure what feelings even mean. I also love the sideship in this manga featuring Aoki's cr- I mean, ex-crush. 10 stars.

also it now has a live adaptation in netflix!!!!

-> Sonna Me De Mite Kure

plot: A story featuring a perfect, narcissistic, school-prince and his object of affection; a shy, quiet boy with scary eyes and the prettiest of smiles.

also adorable. Both characters were lovable. I wish it wasn't so rushed though. If the manga had been a bit more slow paced I feel like their character development would've been even more *chef's kiss*. Also, a purely personal opinion; but the changing artstyle from comedic to serious didn't really mesh well? Except that's probably just me. All in all the art is super pretty and both characters are adorable in their own ways. 6 stars.

man I really didn't read much this month...

[etaerealjin]

scrunchies & hoodies || p.jm

genre: fluff, romance

pairing: jimin x reader

background: fake relationship, highschool!au, to all the boys i've loved before theme, fluff!au.

word count: 1.5k

When you found out that your boyfriend cheated on you and told you that you were way out of his league and that you were too boring, you knew what you needed and wanted to do right away. Plus, the fact that he told you no one's gonna wanna be with you really hurt your ego so all you wanted to do was to slap him with the fact that he's not the only fish in the sea.

But, who? Who else besides him?

As you were running that day on the field, overthinking about the words thrown at you by your ex-boyfriend, you saw Park Jimin getting dumped by his supposedly ex-girlfriend by now.

At first you couldn't believe it. I mean, literally anyone in the school would kneel just to be friends with Jimin. Girls and gays would drool over him and his other friends during lunch time, and he seemed nice and friendly. A bit intimidating though because he's part of the jocks on your school but on top of all of that, he seemed really boyfriend.

"How rough was the break-up that you can't even go to the cafeteria because she'd be there?" You asked him when you found him alone in the rooftop, drinking some kind of strawberry milk.

That day was also the day you started going out, no– not really going out, dating Jimin.

It's a win-win situation. He wanted to get his girl back, and you wanted to prove your ex-boyfriend wrong. After that, when Eunji regrets dumping Jimin, and your ex admits that he regrets saying what he did, it's over. And you both agreed on that.

At that time, you didn't really care about falling for your sidekick because you were sure that you weren't, all you wanted was to slap your cheater ex-boyfriend and make him look like a fool for those words. It was childish, really. But that's what you both agreed on, nothing more, nothing less.

And so you both set rules for each other.

"And please, I know it's not a big deal for you, but it is for me. Less Kissing." You said and typed it down your notes. But as soon as you said that, you felt his plum lips on yours.

"Are you dumb? Didn't I–"

"Your ex was looking, don't turn around. Just smile." He whispered after leaning dangerously close to your ear.

No one was looking, though.

You've also went to several parties with him, which wasn't you at all. You only went to parties with Jimin knowing Eunji and your ex would be there, but you had to admit that those little hangouts with Jimin, and those deep talks after parties inside his car – it was really something. It made you realize that Park Jimin wasn't so bad after all. He was a good friend.

You looked at the ice cream in front of you before grabbing it. "You were craving, right?" He asked.

"Yeah, thanks. Really thoughtful, knowing your ex is looking." You both giggled after that but he shook his head and sat beside you. "Oh, this is good. Want some?"

He looked at the cone you were handing him over then looked at you. He moved your hand away and kissed your lips, which probably tasted like strawberry ice cream.

He made an impressed look and nodded. "I think I like strawberry way more now." And you swore that after he did that, a blush was very visible on your cheeks.

"You're making this whole fake relationship thing easier for them to believe, you know?"

"What's wrong with that?"

Yeah, what's wrong with that? You can just end up with each other.

"Not gonna happen." You said but snapped out of your thoughts as soon as he gave you a confused look. "I mean–"

"Yeah, I kinda know what you're thinking." He said and you noticed his little side smile. He stood up, lending a hand towards you. "I'm taking you home."

"What?"

"I'm taking you to your house, the fuck? What you high on?" He asked and grabbed your hand, tagging you along with him. You both agreed to not be sweet when nobody's looking, and you swore that by the time you were holding hands, everyone else in the field already left. You wanted to take your hand back but it felt, I don't know, right?

Having Park Jimin in a black hoodie and ripped jeans, with his backpack hung on one shoulder, his forehead showing, he looked really fucking attractive and boyfriend material, and it felt so right.

"Bro, you're a simp. I thought it was fake?" Taehyung, another attractive and hot as hell friend of Jimin, asked when they were alone inside the shower room. Jimin took a sharp breath and closed his gym bag.

"Tae, is it bad that I don't want this to be fake anymore?"

"Totally not. You two really made everyone believe that you were really together, it all looks real!" Jimin chuckled and left the room, but they both stopped when someone was already in front of the door.

"Guess Taehyung's voice is not just deep, huh? You can be loud whenever your voice wants to." Eunji said and patted Taehyung's chest. "Thank you, though. If it wasn't for you and your chitchats then I wouldn't know that Jimin here is just faking everything with Y/n."

Jimin bit the insides of his cheek and looked down, not really knowing what to feel. "Tryna make me jealous, Park?" He rolled his eyes, not wanting to say "yes" even though that was part of the plan.

"It's working." Eunji said before grabbing Jimin's collar and you know – kissing him, as cliché as it can get.

"Jimin," Taehyung said and forcefully pulled him away from Eunji, who was also forcefully kissing him. He lowkey pointed at where you were standing and Jimin looked at you, but the wrong move he did was he didn't do anything at all.

You gave him a thumbs up and a wide smile after that, from a distance, and jogged away when you realized that – they were probably back together. It was over, and all you needed to do was for him to bring your scrunchies back and for you to bring his hoodies back.

You were asking for another confirmation, and as you were walking home, you received one. A message from your ex. Which you totally forgot about after all this time being with Jimin.

I'm sorry for the words I said. Maybe I'm a dick after all, and you changed. For the best, because you were already better back then. You deserve each other. Just know that I'm deeply regretting that I hurt an innocent one.

You smiled at that note.

But it was a Saturday, and you were fucking lonely. All the Saturdays you had with Jimin were all fun and exciting, but today was different. It's been a week after you saw Jimin, Taehyung and Eunji in front of the shower room, and a week after you two supposedly broke up the whole fake relationship.

You decided to bring five of his hoodies with you as you walked to the rooftop where this whole fake relationship started.

Little did you know that he brought your scrunchies as well.

"Hi!" You forced a giggle and simply handed him his hoodies over. You noticed that he was wearing just a white shirt on, probably because he already ran out of hoodies. Or some may be with Eunji now, who knows?

"I guess we'll have to break up?" You forced a laugh once again and a smile after saying that, but he didn't answer. He just grabbed your wrist and made you wear five of your scrunchies. You chuckled upon having them back but stopped when you realized that this was it.

Being sad over this departure was certainly not part of the plan, and you surely didn't stick to it when you realized that you could no longer fake anymore smiles because you were that sad.

It made you even more devastated when he hugged you.

"Do you like me?" He asked while hugging you, which caught you off guard so you pulled away from him, giving him a confused expression. He looked down and chuckled. "Again, do you like me?"

"What–"

"I didn't kiss Eunji back that afternoon. I stood there not knowing what to do when I saw you because that day, I realized what I was really feeling for you and I didn't wanna admit it to myself that quick." He said and looked through your eyes. "And I'm still afraid – that's why I'm asking you this once and for all, Y/n."

He paused for a bit, mustering up all the courage he had, then caressed your face and pecked your lips. "Do you like me now?"

You remained silent, not really taking in what was happening but one thing's for sure.

You already fell. Hard.

"Because I do, Y/n. Harder than you can ever imagine."

oKAY this may be cringe??? for some 🤮 but i'm feeling all soft rn bc boyfriend pjm & i just finished watching to all the boys for like the 10th time ok bye ily :(

[berryunho]

omg i know how u feel i don't think i'll be graduating in 4 bc i have to do co-op terms so it delays my grad by a year or smth?? we'll see how things go

wow that's so cool!! the dedication is immaculate i would always give up after a month or so. do you know any other languages aside from eng and korean?

ooo i'm kinda the opposite like nothing really interests me outside of courses in my major or other science courses. i've gotta do some arts credits and scrolling thru them is like... okay this sounds interesting then i read the syllabus and its like readings and essays and discussion groups then im like NOPE LOL BYE

that's so funny cause i saw someone sleeping in a corner of the stairs. ppl will sleep anywhere and i don't blame them. could you imagine falling asleep near the river ugh bless

omg yes like with chem i always end up working backwards from the answer (wink wonk) to see what i did wrong and usually it's a lot 😭

it wasn't too bad! it was kinda cold but not windy so i was okay. i still brought a jacket with me cause it was windy af during the day and i thought it'd be the same at night but nope there goes my money for coat check 😭

ohh!! that sounds fun, did you manage to find anything? red hair is so nice. everyone i've seen so far with red hair pulls it off so well and i'm lowkey convinced it's a colour that works on everyone....

thank you!! i did have lots of fun : D i might've died on the bus ride back... but we don't talk abt it..........

-mightychondria

yeahhh i have to get a masters degree for the profession im aiming for so... if everything goes to plan that's six years of university and i do NOT want it to be more 😭😭 hopefully your graduation doesn't get delayed too much ??

:LKFJDKFSJD:LFKJ oh boy languages and me... lowkey obsessed w learning them SO one set of my grandparents were german and didnt speak english so i know very basic german (my dad didnt think it was important to teach me. crying screaming throwing up.) and i got to be pretty okay at finnish at one point but i've forgotten ALL of it lol and i took 2 years of latin in highschool which was very fun but again i forgot most of it KLFJSFDLJK AND FINALLY i took a couple years of american sign language in middle school but i literally remember the alphabet and basic kindness' :'] ive also attempted swedish, norwegian, spanish, and french with ... immediate failure ! hehe

i get what you mean 😭for me its not that i dislike my stem courses but i actually love reading and writing essays and stuff and i just wish i could do more of that 😭 but the majority of my stem friends definitely would agree w you LOL

ugh for real it would be so nice to sleep outside in the sun i feel like ... living out that cat/dog life ... but id be too scared of being kidnapped LKJJFSKFJKS

that is definitely the way to do chem 😭 just gotta learn from your mistakes until there are none ! i had an exam last friday and ... i should be getting that grade tonight or tomorrow so im very anxiously waiting to see how i did ...

nooooo not the coat check money... i cannot even imagine how much clubs make in the winter just from coat check like 😭 some nights at one of my local clubs its literally more expensive to check your coat than to get in 😭

sadly i still havent figured out who/what to be... i think im gonna wait to dye my hair though so that it lasts longer ... so i really dk LOL im lazy tbh so i normally go for something i can just wear my normal clothes for... and since i just finished breaking bad im thinking maybe jane ??? i dress like her irl (though less 2008) and id just need a wig LKJFS:LDJKF BUT IDK !!! do you have any costumes in mind? or any plans?

hehe im glad you had fun but ... 👀 ... how ominous ... hehe i hope your week starts off nicely !! :]

[polyamorouspunk]

Hey! It's the anon with the advice ask. This is a long post, but only bc I've described some of the situations I've been in the past couple weeks.

Basically I'm wondering if I should get a new friend group or not. I've known one person in it (I'll call them B) for 8 years now (we went to middle and highschool together) and the other (I'll call them A) I've known for about 2 years via discord. Btw a bit of info beforehand: I've just recently turned 18, I still live with my parents, im Bi/ace and poly, and I've never really been to the downtown area of our state capitol.

For the past few months we've made plans to go to a convention together and meet up with each other. There have been some hiccups bc of miscommunications- like who's driving, who's place we're staying at, who's paying for what, etc.

Then recently all three of us met up at a festival at the state capitol (same area the con will be) and I got to meet A for the first time. Everything was good at first. A was pretty chill and bought me some food and a cool pillow. B was just chilling in a really nice looking cosplay. However, once we were there for a little while both of them started a trend of walking off to other areas without telling me- leaving me alone in a place I have NEVER been to. If I hadn't been aware of my surroundings I would have certainly been ditched.

At the end of the festival I start having an anxiety attack, meanwhile A and B are acting like a middle school couple and kissing despite being "friends" and A tried to get me to join in. I wasn't sure if this was a joke (A has made poly jokes Abt our group in the past), but I declined anyway bc I don't like either of them that way. (I asked B about this later but apparently "nothing" is going on b/w them and they're friends. I doubt this bc B and I have been friends for a while and have shared many friends, but they've never once kissed or made out with anyone other than their previous S/O. This previous S/O also accused B of cheating on them with A).

Then A tells me that we're going to meet with a friend that will let us stay in their hotel room for free at the con. I had no idea about this and no one talked to me about it before hand. It just seemed fishy to me bc I can't imagine someone letting 2 strangers stay in a $400-500 a NIGHT room for FREE. Our og plan was to stay at A's house and take an Uber to the con. Now I was expected to stay at a random person's hotel room AND expected to walk a few blocks at 2am somewhere I hadn't really been to. It didn't help that there has been a large increase in shootings and violence in the area. To say the least I was very uncomfortable.

A got mad at me for saying the above- that I was uncomfortable and didn't feel safe (especially since they have a history of ditching me). A said that if I didn't go to the hotel then NO ONE could go. I got mad bc this clearly wasn't the case. Then A started on a spiel about how I wouldn't get hurt bc they were there- and tbh that's bull. A and B are both smaller than me and A isn't the kind of person to fight, let alone win. In the end I legit had to use the "my parents won't let me go" excuse to get A to stop trying to force me to stay at the hotel

It wasn't until after this that A says there will be two extra people none of us know staying at the hotel. Not even B knew about that and they agreed to the hotel. It's all just been kind of fishy from the start.

After that discussion we were all supposed to stay the night at A's house and still go to the con (where I would be picked up at the end and they go to the hotel), but A ignored all my messages. It was like I had been uninvited. Then the day before the con A sends me a picture of B at their house and makes it seem like they're flaunting them being there? And then when we all called to discuss plans A only talks about the stuff I'll be missing out on- I realized that they're flaunting again. A does stuff like this up until they're at the con. Meanwhile B just sits there and does nothing. Doesn't say anything about A's behavior or actions this whole time. In the end I didn't go to the Con despite already paying for my tickets. I didn't want to be around them and I was already uncomfortable and having anxiety because of the fishy hotel situation. Idk if A no longer likes me bc I declined their advances or if they're mad bc I didn't agree or what

I don't know what to do. Idk if I should just drop A and stay friends with B or if I should drop both? I'm just at a loss bc they've really been my only friends since graduating HS

I think you already have your answer there my friend. Dropping friends is hard, I know it’s not easy, but it sounds like you want to. Honestly it doesn’t sound like they’re going to miss you if you just leave which is shitty.

[studykaisoo]

I feel I need to voice it out for once and for all. I was anxious throughout my Accountancy life. I failed once and the rest were okay until my 5th Year (which took me 4 regular semesters and 2 summer terms to finish, which in a regular sense if you are a smart you can finish it in 2 semesters) Maybe I am too dumb for Accounting (don't get me started on blaming the school system bc i want to be nice, at least)

I want to plot out the scenario so it will be easier for you to understand. We have this intensive "in-house" review so we can graduate. For the 1st semester we have 5 subjects and another 5 for 2nd semester. Basically the grading system for this review is only the preliminary, midterm and finals exam. No quizzes, no seatworks, no projects. Just exams. Passing rate is 75%. The lower the base, the less chances of passing.

If the exam is over 100, you need 75 to pass so it means your allowance for mistakes = 25 items. So if the exam is over 50, passing is 38 and if it is over 20 I need 15 to pass.

It is relatively crucial. The board exam is in multiple choice but we have exams where we need to put the actual amounts.

Theory or problems, both are hard (I'm not kidding) Just imagine this, over 100+ students only 20 or less graduated on time. Some of them just left the school while the others shifted to another degree.

To cut the long story short, I failed all of my 5 subjects. Pain was unbearable, I couldn't even face my family. I feel I've become too unworthy as a person. I told my parents I should just work (since I have graduated another degree) but they still supported me. 2nd semester had better performance, I passed 3 out of 5.

I have become used to failing but still it didn't removed the fact that I was anxious all the time. I studied and studied (but at the back of my head I had doubts whether I will pass because it seemed so impossible). Sometimes I really don't feel like studying (bc of the thought that my efforts might go to waste again, with that I needed to do the things I want to do just to be motivated to study again)

I took a summer term and passed 2 subjects. The following term was supposedly my last term had I passed all of my 5 remaing subjects but still I failed 3. I feel like giving up and asking myself what's wrong with me? Should I just cheat? I had those thoughts. I was supposed to take the board exam last May but I wasn't able to do that because I still had 3 subjects left. Unfortunately, only 2 out of 3 were offered during 2nd semester. Imagine I still have to extend for summer (and miss the graduation rights, again).

Even up to my very last subject in college, I was too scared. I asked myself, what if I fail??? I was so scared of it. Because of failures I don't like meeting some of my friends or old highschool batchmates. I feel like I was so delayed in life. They are all travelling, enjoying their lives, working hard to earn for their own while I am stuck wherever I was. There are also a lot of contributing factor happening in my life but that would be too personal to tell.

I finally finished Accountancy last August. I can't believe I finished something I that I thought has no end. I used to cry all the time, I keep on thinking on my "what ifs". Even if now that I have finished my degree, it's still not the end of this emotional torture. I am about to take the board exam in few days and I would be a hypocrite if I tell you that I am ready enough.

My professor once said no one will ever be ready to take the board exam (even topnotchers) because there's still a lot to learn. Time is a constraint.

But once and for all, I want this chapter of my life to slowly close one by one as the board exam approaches. I want the pain of failure to be a motivating factor that I can do better. I want to be excited of what the future beholds for me. I want to be a CPA. I want emotional freedom. I want to be a person someone my family can be proud of.

I hope this will be finally a stepping stone to move on from all the scars.

failure anxiety really is psychological torture