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thehighladywrites · 1 year ago

Text

That's your mother, but she's my wife first…

⋆⭒˚｡‎♡‧₊˚ pairing: cassian x fem!reader, the inner circle mentioned

⋆⭒˚｡‎♡‧₊˚ summary: 18+ nsfw, mdni, light angst, stress, smut, fluff, praise, cassian channelling his inner general, reader being an absolute sweetheart who deserves everything good in life fr

⋆⭒˚｡‎♡‧₊˚ amara’s note: okay so I don’t have any kids so some parts might be inaccurate but close your eyes please🤞🏽i have nothing else to say, i just wanna fuck cassian so bad rn...

Spilled milk, mismatched socks, wailing babies.

Gods, what you wouldn’t do for a moment of peace…

Your children were usually calm, even when they were tumbling down stairs and running into tables, but during your youngest twin kids teething phase, they developed an interest for chewing on anything. Their outburst put your two other kids in distress, making it a difficult period for everyone.

In your attempt to keep your twins safe, you unintentionally became the evil mother for denying them the joy of chewing on concrete bricks, their father’s important books and a million other dangerous things that a child simply shouldn’t be putting in their mouth.

They had been given enchanted teething toys made out of moonstone by their uncle Rhysand, but it didn’t keep them entertained at all. Safety was apparently too boring for them.

This morning was extra rough because Cassian had to leave early for a mission, leaving you with four kids. Although the two oldest ones, 7 and 12, could get themselves ready for the day, they still needed some help with some things. You were downright in a foul mood, feeling the weight of frustration and helplessness as the twins wailed and your oldest ones argued, all while trying to keep your emotions hidden.

“ You took the last pancake, Ves!” your son angrily sliced the remains of his food as your daughter, Vesna, looked at him with anger. “ I don’t care. I told you that I wanted it and you made no move for it, Therian. Blame yourself and be quicker next time.” she bickered back. They kept arguing about that stupid pancake as you picked your twins and moved to the rocking chair across the livingroom to sooth them. The kitchen seamlessly flowed into the living room, creating an open floor plan that allowed you to effortlessly monitor Vesna and Therian.

“ It’s okay, babies. There we go, hush now.” But it didn’t work, they kept screaming and you were at your breaking point. You felt like the worst mom ever as you looked up, took a deep breath and blinked back tears.

You almost yearned for Cassian's return, craving the comfort of your mate's presence amid the chaos. Yet, the nagging self-doubt held you back, hesitant to burden him with your distress and feeling a twinge of selfishness in the idea of asking him to cut short his mission. Despite the internal struggle, you chose to tough it out, convincing yourself that countless women had faced similar challenges, wondering if you could measure up to their strength.

Unbeknownst to you, you had been signaling Cassian with your feelings through the bond since this morning. He was already on his way back the moment your emotions reached him. He was just in time to hear your daughter’s frustration directed towards you, though none of you had felt his presence or heard him approach your home.

“Mom, you're seriously failing at shutting them up. It's not dragon taming to handle two kids, and it shouldn't be this painful for the rest of us. How about you take them outside and only come back when you've figured out how to keep them quiet? Because none of us can stand the noise.” You looked at her stunned as a million thoughts went through your head. Guilt, anger and self-doubt took root inside you.

Guilt, because was she right? Anger, because she shouldn’t have spoken to you like that ever. Self-doubt, because your fears and feelings about motherhood were spoken out loud.

Your first-born had a sour expression on her face that quickly fell before she looked down at her plate sheepishly. Maybe she felt regret? But what made her react like that instantly? Your daughter could be hotheaded and it usually took her a few hours to calm down, but not this quick.

Looking at where she removed her eyes from, you look and see your husband, body tense and wings tucked in tightly. You felt immediate comfort and wanted to throw yourself in his arms and fucking cry. How you had missed him this much in only a few hours was a mystery.

His boots thudded heavily against the wooden floors as he approached your embarrassed daughter. “Look at me,” was all he needed to say before Vesna reluctantly lifted her head. She knew he was going to chew her out. He clenched his jaw in anger as he looked down at her. “Your lack of empathy for what your mother is dealing with right now is astounding. Instead of criticizing, maybe you should try contributing to the solution. We're a family, and we handle things together, not by throwing blame around. She's your mother, but remember that she's my mate and wife first, and no one speaks to my mate and wife with disrespect ever, not even you. Now go ahead and apologize to her.”

Your husband, ever the general.

With teary eyes, realizing the gravity of her words, Vesna approached you. “Hey, Mommy,” she mumbled, avoiding eye contact. She hadn’t called you mommy in forever. “I... I shouldn't have said those things. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. I know it must be difficult and my anger took over. I really love you and I’m sorry.”

You were a bit surprised by the apology and softened your expression before replying, “It's okay, sweetheart. We all have our moments. Just remember, we're a team, and we need to support each other.” She nodded, still feeling a bit guilty, and said, “I'll try to do better. Can I help you with anything now?”

A genuine smile appeared on your face as your replied, “That would be wonderful. Let's work together to make things smoother for everyone. How about you start clearing the table and Therian picks up things from the floor.” She nodded and gave you a small kiss on the cheek before hurriedly making her way back to the kitchen table. Cassian gave her a kiss on the head and gave her a proud smile. “I’m glad you apologized, and it takes courage to admit when we’re wrong. Let’s move forward now. Your willingness to help now means a lot. Thank you.”

Feeling the tension ease after the daughter's apology, your mate approached you. He gently placed a hand on your shoulder and said, “Hi pretty.” You look up at him with a thankful smile. “Hi lover.” He smiles right back at you. “I know it's been a rough day. I’m so proud of you, sugar. We'll get through this together. How about you go upstairs and soak in the tub while I take care of the kids.” He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss on your forehead, and wrapped his arms around the twins who had gone quiet.

Feeling reassured by Cassian’s comforting words, you smiled appreciatively. You gave him a tender kiss in thanks before scurrying upstairs, grateful for the support and unity he provided for your family.

As you undressed, a delightful surprise caught your eye – the tub was filled, and a slice of your favorite cake awaited you on a nearby table. Gratefully, you thanked The House for the steaming tub and the unexpected treat. Stepping in, you let the heat envelop you, soothing the tension in your muscles. Time seemed to blur as you relaxed in the warm water — minutes or hours, it was hard to keep track. Exhaustion gradually overcame you, and your eyelids grew heavy in the comforting embrace of the tub, a sweet slice of cake adding to the calmness of the moment.

Entering the room, Cassian caught sight of you in the steaming tub, content and relaxed. A mixture of emotions flooded over him – admiration and a deep love that seemed to intensify in this quiet scene. He approached silently, not wanting to disturb the serene moment. Gently, he reached out to stroke your hair, his eyes reflecting the warmth and affection he felt. In that intimate moment, a silent understanding passed between you, affirming that you’d never be alone ever. You’d be there for each other and it made your heart swell.

Curiosity lit up your eyes, you looked at your husband and asked, “Hey, where are the kids? Did you take care of them?”

A gentle smile played on his lips as he revealed, “Actually, Rhysie and Feyre picked them up. They thought we could use a quiet weekend, just the two of us. They’re taking Nyx, Ves and Theiran on a trip up the mountains but the twins are staying at the River House with Elain and Lucien. She made a special herbal blend that helps their gums, it’s all very Elain.”

Surprise and gratitude washed over you as you processed the thoughtful gesture. “That's so sweet of them, you remarked, a genuine smile forming. “A quiet day sounds perfect.” You exchanged a glance, appreciating the unexpected silence given by thoughtful friends.

“So, are we entirely alone for the entire weekend?” You attempted to conceal your smile as warmth surged in your belly upon meeting Cassian's gaze, only to discover him returning a heated look. “Indeed, sweetness. It's just you and me, alone. Whatever shall we do to pass the time?” His commanding, taunting voice always managed to drive you crazy. He had a charming voice that you could listen to forever. “I can think of a few ways…” you responded as you stood up, dripping wet. You beckoned him closer and deeply inhaled his delicious scent. He smelled like home. Throwing your arms around him, you inched your lips closer to his, teasing him, not letting him get close enough for a real kiss. He frowned and slightly pouted. “Either give a proper kiss or I walk away.” You knew it was a false threat. Cassian wouldn’t ever leave your embrace now that he was turned on.

But you decided to keep playing with him, wanting to see how far you could push him.

“Yeah? Walk away then, baby.” You let your arms drop to the side, slightly tilting your head with a small smirk on your lips. You felt a surge of amusement as you observed him, jaw tight and knuckles white from clenching, meeting your gaze with defiant determination. “Stop fucking with me, y/n/n. You want me as much as I do.” It was his turn to return a mocking smirk. “ What, you think I don’t know you by now? You think I don’t know that you wanna be fucked until you can’t think straight? Little one, I have years on you. I know your body better than you. I’ll ask again. Are you going to kiss me properly or do I walk away?”

Fucking hell. He really did know your body better than you since his words only fueled you on. While you enjoyed toying with him, it was time to throw in the towel. No way where you wasting any more time. With hands behind your back you looked up at him, doe-eyed and blushy. “I’ll give you a proper kiss, Cassie. Then please take me to bed.” He smiled down at you with a devilish smile, putting his hand on your hips as he pulled towards his warm chest. “ Whatever my baby wants, she gets.” With hands on his chest, you stood on your toes as water swished around your legs, putting your plush lips against his soft ones.

Careful, gentle, loving, comforting and really fucking hot.

That was all you could think of when you were kissing him. One of his warm hands roamed all over your body as his other one cupped your face, deepening the kiss. Your own hands stayed in one spot, your favorite place to put your hands. His chest. You absolutely loved touching his chest. Giving his pecs a light squeeze, resting against them, anything really. Centuries of honing his body into a weapon had made him look like a god.

You wanted to dry off and move to your bedroom, and as if Cassian had read your thoughts, he grabbed the towel without breaking the kiss and wrapped it around you. He simply picked you up, wrapping your legs around his waist as he moved to the bedroom before gently lowering you to the soft bed. Cassian caught your wrists and pinned them, crisscrossed, above your head while he settled between your legs, once again wrapping them around his waist. You kissed until your lips swelled and pulled away for air.

He forced your legs apart, hand cupping your pussy. You let out a gasp, quickly gripping onto his broad shoulders. Cassian carefully watched your face as it contorted into pleasure when he pushed in two fingers, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as you let out a moan.

“Feels good, wifey? ” Cassian asked as your nails dug into his shoulders, hips bucking into his touch. “ mhmm, yeah it feels really fucking good.” you managed to respond as you felt his fingers speed up, curling into that delicious spot that made you absolutely melt.

He wanted to be inside of you, fuck you and ruin you all over the sheets. “ It would feel a lot better if I had you wrapped around my cock.” He said, looking up at you through is his dark lashes, eyes full of mirth. You clenched around his fingers at the thought of him filling you up with his thick cock. It had been a while since you had been properly dicked down by him, since you two were busy with life and kids. Quickies, fingering and handjobs were all you had time for since the twins were born 6 months ago. As much as you loved your kids, you also loved alone time with your mate and it was rare these days. So of course you’d use this weekend to get fucked, and maybe that would help you relax a bit. Cassians cock had always been the answer for you.

Mad? Get dicked down. Sad? Get dicked down. Happy? Get dicked down.

Huh.

No wonder you had four kids…

You nodded eagerly at him, “ Please cassie, fill me up. I really need it.” He sat up, dumped his clothes on the floor and positioned his cock infront of your throbbing core, teasing a bit. He used his fingers to scissor you open a bit. When you felt even more slick under his touch he retracted his fingers and licked your wetness off of them. He smiled at around his fingers and said, “Delicious.” Your chuckle morphed seamlessly into a moan when he slammed his lenght into you.

He let out a sound of pleasure as he pushed himself into you. You clenched around his cock, you were so wet and slippery around him. He let out a pleased groan as he started giving you deep strokes. His pace quickened with the intention of finishing inside of you. He loved to make a mess of your pussy like that, fuck you full of his cum and watch it slowly drip out. Nothing made him more possessive than seeing his mate full of his cum. “Fuck, you’re taking me so well, sweetheart. Such a good girl for me, I’m so proud of you, my beautiful girl.” He knew the exact words you needed today and it made you feel so emotional that he knew you this well.

You blushed. Pleasure crept up your spine once more. Your legs were starting to shake, sweat coated your back. He pulled you into his arms and kissed you as his strokes were getting faster and faster, his lips muffling your moans. He kept up the pace, feeling the pleasure flow through his body, bringing him closer to climax. He loved the feeling of you around him.

He was addicted to it. He was addicted to you.

You moaned and arched your back as he continued to fuck into you. You wanted to cum so badly, and as if Cassian once again read your mind, he said something that almost made you cry.

“ Don’t cum yet.”

He must have caught your annoyed stare because he looked down, sporting his usual grin, and said, “I want us to come together. You can handle that, right, pretty?” Your brows furrowed as you attempted to feign annoyance, though deep down, you weren't truly bothered at all.

No, no you weren’t mad at all because if he was adamant about you finishing together, then you’d do everything in your power to make it happen. You got closer to him, pressing a quick kiss before deepening it as your tounges swirled around each other before you pulled away, biting his lip. He let out a groan and it only spurred you on. You pulled out all your tricks, whispering downright filthy things in his ear. That seemed to do the trick. Cassian thrusted deeper and deeper, rubbing tight circles on your neglected clit before you came in unison.

You moaned at the feeling, warmth filled you as his pace started to slow down. Your mate collapsed on top of you and your put his head on your chest as you ran your fingers through his hair. He remembered that he hadn’t pulled out yet but before he could you stopped him.

“ Please baby, don’t pull out yet. It feels really warm and good and I want you in me forever.”

You felt his chest rumble with a gentle laughter. “ Whatever you want, you shall have. You did so well, sugar. I love you.” You kissed his forehead and gave him praise back. “ Thank you, baby. I’m so happy you’re here, I love you too.”

Safe to say you fucked the whole weekend, everywhere, only taking breaks for food and occasional naps. But you also basked in the intimacy of having him. by yourself. Eating together, talking about everything between the heavens and earth, cracking jokes and just enjoying yourselves.

You and your mate, together for all eternity...

#talkswithamara #acotar #acotar x reader #acotar imagine #acotar fanfiction #a court of thorns and roses #fanfic #cassian x reader #cassian #azriel x reader #rhysand x reader #feyre x reader #lucien vanserra x reader

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signanothername · 1 month ago

Note

From your killer post of him being a lapcat

in the timeline/future of where he leaves nightmare, do you think he’ll keep being a lap at to Color?? Like, Color could just simply be sitting down and reading on the couch and Killer could walk over and lie his head down on his legs, simply say “affection.” Or ��pet me” and be like a cat????

The post Anon is referring to

Oooh that’s so adorable to think about

It’s a yes, but not immediately, just eventually

The thing about my lap cat post is that Nightmare’s not one to ask for permission, so he was forced to do such a thing rather than be ok with it

And Killer is also the type to not take affection positively, he’s been conditioned to be used to violent/unsafe environments, and conditioned to take such gentle gestures as simply emotional/ mental manipulation and a type of forcing control upon him, rather than any genuine love and care

Killer in general doesn’t truly understand the idea that he can even say “no” to any physical contact, he thinks people have the right to touch him whenever they like, even when Killer himself is uncomfortable with it or doesn’t want such contact, so even if somebody else other than Nightmare manhandles him, you’d see him let it happen like he’s some sort of rag doll, completely ignoring any sort of discomfort he feels, cause people touching you even when you’re uncomfortable is the norm right?

So he gets extremely fucking confused when Color asks for permission before touching him, and Killer would vocalize his confusion, telling Color, “y’know you don’t have to ask for permission right??”

Only for Color to hit him with the question “are you actually ok with being touched at anytime?” Cause that’s what Color does, he emphasizes and questions Killer about such topics that Killer usually wouldn’t question himself, to help Killer figure out that he has control over his life now, that he can say no to things if he doesn’t want to do something

And Killer, on autopilot would go to the answer “yes” only to stop himself before that word comes out of his mouth

Cause in reality, no, he’s not ok with touch everytime, sometimes he wants his personal space to himself, but Killer doesn’t vocalize that, instead opting to just drop the subject, and Color doesn’t push beyond that

Eventually, he would try and experiment by saying no, fully expecting Color to ignore him and touch him regardless, only to be surprised by Color backing off and actually taking that “no” fully seriously

Not only that, but the gentle touches Color does? Killer genuinely believes it’s just Color manipulating and trying to control him at first, just like how Chara and Nightmare used to do

Then as time goes on, Killer starts realizing that Color actually does those touches as a sort of showing genuine affection and love, and well, Killer would be lying if he said he hated Color’s gentle touches

So it takes time for Killer to let go of such negative associations with touch, before he perceives it in a positive light

So i feel like Killer is going to be hesitant to do such a thing at first, and since Killer won’t take physical affection very positively at first, it’s better for Color to keep his distance, lest Killer’s beliefs just end up even more engraved in his mind

But eventually as time goes on and as Killer gets closer and more used to affection and start actually accepting such affection for what it truly is, he might actually go to Color for affection himself

And yes Killer, would just act almost like a cat himself, putting his head on Color’s legs or leaning into Color’s hand when it’s touching his face

In fact, allow me to say that I love to think Killer would sometimes sleep around Color’s feet in a curled up manner, that’s peak cat behavior if you ask me chchch

Something like this

#anothers art #anothers ask #color spectrum duo #killer sans #color sans

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beenbaanbuun · 2 months ago

Text

tears - opposites attract

this is kind of short but i was thinking about jongho and i had to write something about him. i’m working on requests and i should be finished with a few of them soon 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

——————————————————————————

mingi…

that bastard has stolen your werewolf from you. it’s just for today and hongjoong promised seonghwa that the two of them—and probably mingi as well—would be back in time for dinner. he promised he’d let san know to make dinner as usual, but as of yet he hasn’t stepped out of his greenhouse once. something about being on the ‘precipice of a breakthrough!’ is what he told you that morning when he slipped out of bed far earlier than you or hongjoong, although a breakthrough of what, you’re unsure.

the first part of the morning was spent with san, trailing him around the house as he tidied and cleaned. you’d asked him what he’d be doing on his day off the following week; he told you he didn’t know but it’s almost certain that he wouldn’t be going home. he mentioned the price of train tickets being too expensive, but with the way he bowed his head to hide his expression, you could tell there was something more going on. you didn’t push, just like you wouldn��t want san to push. instead you stand there in a sad silence as san dusts the mantle piece in the living room.

“did you know this house is haunted?” you break the silence as you cast your gaze across the rug in the centre of the room. you can almost hear the crying that comes hand in hand with your ghost, the sound becoming almost comforting the more you hear it. it sounds strange to say that; to admit that you take comfort from someone else’s misery, but it’s the truth. the sound of his quiet sniffles has become synonymous with friendship and love and affection.

san turns to you with an eyebrow raised.

“well i’d have to assume so,” he takes a moment to look around the room, gesturing to all the antiquities and grandiose, “all this shit is bound to carry a few spirits, right?” the dust cloth he carries brushes past your arm as he takes it back to the mantle; you brush the filthy residue away with a grumble. “i don’t really care as long as they don’t come into my room. i’m far too tired to be dealing with ghosts whenever i try to sleep.”

you giggle at the image of the tearful man standing at the foot of san’s bed, staring at the butler with wet eyes and a frown. if san could see him, you have no doubt he’d take pity on the poor creature. as it stands, the idea is simply that; an idea.

“he might be,” you shrug, “but you wouldn’t know. the further he gets from his pelt, the less visible he becomes.”

the thought breaks your heart a little now that you dwell on it. he could be anywhere at any time and you just wouldn’t know it; does he ever feel ignored? or trapped? to have the only love you’ve ever received confined to a single room must be tough. it’s like an ultimatum that neither of you had a say in. a cruel trick from the universe to punish him for his spirit remaining here so long after his death. perhaps he yearns to move on, to find reprieve from the loneliness that haunts the walls of this house just as he does. the very house that has become your freedom must feel like a prison for him.

you wonder for a moment how long he’s been dead for, but the thought seems to manifest itself as a lump in your throat. he told you in his own words that he’d never known love before, just as hongjoong said the rug had been a family heirloom. you dread to think how many generations it has been passed through, each of them bringing even more loneliness and sorrow to the bear.

it makes sense now, why he cries. at first you figured it might be pain, that perhaps he still feels the weapon that led to his death lodged in his heart. in a way you suppose it is pain, and you have no doubt that it’s in his heart, but just not in the way you expected.

with a sigh, you leave the butler’s side to take a seat on the rug. you want to be close to him right now, for your own benefit as much as his. even though you can’t see him right know, you know he’s right there beside you. the shiver that runs up your arm is enough to confirm that fact. you don’t wipe it away or hide from in, instead basking in that icy cold feeling that makes your goosebumps blossom like the flowers in seonghwa’s greenhouse. you hope he can see them and know that even when he can’t be seen, he can still be felt.

you hope he knows you could never ignore him.

#ateez x reader #ateez fanfic #ateez oneshot #ateez fluff #ateez scenarios #opposites attract universe #jongho x reader

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rivangel · 10 months ago

Note

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot.

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology.

I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life.

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time.

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others.

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son.

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness.

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’.

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely.

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later.

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early.

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground.

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples.

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish.

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own.

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless.

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.)

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment.

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman.

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside).

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is.

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least.

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry.

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”.

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability.

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life.

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

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kcwriter-blog · 1 month ago

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Why Three Choices Doesn’t Bother Me

I’ve been trying to figure out why only having three choices doesn’t bother me. It should. Some of my favorite theories that I’ve created have to do with who drank from the Well, but, honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me.

I know it matters to many people and their feelings are valid. I’m writing this to make sense of my own feelings, not to invalidate anyone else’s. Here are the main reasons I’m not bothered.

The idea that this is going to be a Solavellan love fest is predicated on a couple of sentences in the IGN article and a screen shot. Both may very well be taken out of context.

For the IGN article, the question about the Inquisitor/Solas relationship was asked by a Solavellan to a Solavellan so the answer reflects that to some degree. I personally think people are reading way too much into it. The Solas romance is simply being used as an example of the most complex relationship the Inquisitor can have with Solas. If you hate Solas and want to kill him, that isn’t complex at all. If you romanced Solas you will have complex feelings because most Solavellans do. They call it Solavellan Hell for a reason.

As the Inquisitor is being brought back all of those different complexities must be addressed. Creative Director Jon Epler has said that no matter how you feel about Solas the end of his journey should be satisfying. Which means if you vowed vengeance, you will most likely get it.

I don’t care if my Inquisitor feels a little responsible for not stopping Solas. A good leader should feel a little responsible. The buck stops here and all that sort of thing. My Inky was a good leader. She doesn’t feel responsible for Solas’ decisions, but she feels she should have seen him for what he was, and she should have been able to stop him.

Then there is the screen shot. It’s just a screenshot. For all we know, when you click on your love interest there is a pop up that asks for a little more info. For example, whether Iron Bull is dead or not. We didn’t see that. Maybe it’s under NDA. I don’t know and won’t know until I get my hands on the CC.

Yes, there are three choices according to the IGN article. It didn’t say whether there were choices nested within those choices. Anyone that has spent time on the Keep knows clicking on a tarot card brings up other tarot cards.

Can I come up with an in-game reason for this stuff? Yes. The Inky your Rook talks to, isn’t your Inky. It’s a spirit masquerading as Inky just like Justinia in the Fade in DAI. How? Well, Inky could have died, Inky could be one of Solas’ memories or since the Fade reflects important events and Inky was important, it reflects them. Devs just said Inky would show up. They didn’t say it would be in the waking world. In that case, the Inky you meet might only have generic things to say about their LI – that would include if you romanced Solas.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on. I’m saying it’s a direction the writers could go in.

As for a Solas-romancing Lavellan being the default? We don’t know that either. The default Inky is a female elf. That doesn’t mean she romanced anyone. When I played DAI my default Hawk hadn’t romanced anyone either. But she doesn’t have a valleslin! My understanding is that neither does a male elf and, in any case, not all Lavellans removed them. That would have to be considered.

Again, everyone is reading into things and getting upset over things that have not been confirmed. And the default doesn’t matter to me because I will be customizing my Inky.

Why am I not upset that the decisions made in the previous games won’t carry through. Maybe because I first played DA2 and DAI with the default world states. When I went back in and played with world states, the decisions used didn’t seem to have much impact. I couldn’t stop Anders from blowing up the Chantry, for example. Yes, Alistair was on the throne but so what? That didn’t have any impact on my game. When I played DAI Anora said pretty much the same thing to me in Redcliffe as Alistair said.

So basically, the only reason to miss it would be because I enjoy those little call backs. The thing is, I don’t play just to check up on digital friends. I have an imagination for that. I don’t need BioWare to tell me if I’m right or wrong. I don’t need their validation of my headcannon.

Okay, but what about the big decisions. Well, I want those things to make sense. Let’s take the Well for example. That seemed like it could be a big deal. Solas got upset. Mythal can control whoever drank from the Well. But, Solas getting upset is in character for him. He hates anything being bound and drinking from the Well binds the Inquisitor. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t mean bad things will happen down the road. Solas gets angry about a lot of things.

But what about Mythal? Well Solas’ detractors keep screaming that he killed Mythal. If he did in fact kill her, then who drank from the Well is a moot point. She can’t control anyone.

But she might be in Morrigan. She might but if Morrigan drank from the Well it’s a moot point because Mythal controls her anyway. If Inky drank from the Well, she and Morrigan would have to be in the same room. I have a feeling that’s not going to happen - which again makes who drank a moot point.

But if Mythal is in Solas? It would be out of character for him to use the power of the Well that way. He didn’t use it in Trespasser, if he even had it. He may very well have been controlled by Mythal or the other Evanuris that way. He is unlikely to do it to anyone else. And again, he would have to be in the same room as Inky. As much as we Solavellans want a heart-warming reunion, that might not happen until the end of the game.

In my opinion, anything about who drank from the well would have to be shoehorned into the story. I mean if you were hoping for Solas or Mythal to make your Inquisitor attack Rook, you might be disappointed. I didn’t want that, so I’m good. It’s Rook’s story. I don’t think Inky is getting a huge amount of screen time.

What about Morrigan and her status as a parent or not. She would mention that, right? Sure, if she is in fact all Morrigan. But she is wearing Mythal’s crown indicating she might be Mythal wearing a Morrigan suit. In any case Mythal is going to be more interested in getting revenge on her murderers than discussing her family status with Rook.

But surely, Varric is going to talk about Hawk. Maybe? He didn’t tell my Inky about the real Bianca until she was standing in front of her at Skyhold. Asked point blank about the name of his crossbow, Varric said it’s the one story he would never tell.

And in any case, at the start of the game, Rook and Varric have been together long enough that Rook is Varric’s second in command. I would assume they have had conversations about Hawk in the past, off screen. Varric may still mention things Hawk and the DA2 gang did in the past. He may not mention anything about where they are now, which is what people are really asking for.

But there won’t be any cameos! Why not? Dorian made a cameo in Tevinter Nights. If you romanced him, he would mention Inky. If not, they could be friends or at least have developed a respect for each other over the past 10 years. I’m sure the writers are creative enough to come up with other cameos.

What about codices and other callbacks? Why wouldn’t the Wardens have your Warden’s armor on display in their fortress? Why wouldn’t the Crows have something about Zevrhan? Again, it might not tell you what they are up to now, which is what people really want to know. And there can be cameos and codices related to NPCs where choices weren’t involved but fans remember them fondly.

Another reason I’m not bothered is I had to ask myself why I expect things that happened in the South to have an impact on the North. When I was playing the first two games, what was going on in the North didn’t have a huge impact on the South. I didn’t even know there was a Black Divine. I didn’t know about the Mortalitasi until Cassandra brought it up in DAI.

But what about the parts of the North that are under the sway of the Southern Chantry? I’ve noticed that all the Northern kingdoms are more cosmopolitan. In Rivain you have Dalish settlements and Qunari settlements. I assume they are doing their own thing. It’s like knowing who the pope is but since you are Protestant, it doesn’t really affect you. And I have to assume the South has been busy rebuilding the Chantry in Orlais which also might not have an effect on the North.

It’s been ten years. A lot changes in ten. Do you know it has only been eight years since Trum was elected president? In that time, we’ve had his disastrous presidency, a global pandemic, war in the Ukraine, genocide, etc. and that’s just the stuff that might affect other countries. Each country has their own concerns that we Americans might not really know anything about. Why should Thedas be any different?

I mean Antiva is dealing with the Quanari. They took over Treviso. If I lived there, I wouldn’t care what’s happening in the South. It wouldn’t be on my radar. Yes, there was a hole in the sky but look how quickly Fereldan and Orlais decided things were so back to normal that the Inquisition wasn’t needed anymore.

Maybe I’m being too logical about this, but I just don’t feel the doom and gloom. Also, I’ve played Mass Effect 2, and I remember only having three choices at the beginning of the game. And you know what? I really enjoyed ME2. So, I expect to enjoy this game.

Now what the writers said in response to the outcry was tone deaf. And I am sure PR/Marketing called them on the carpet. However, they have poured their blood, sweat and tears into this game. They know the story. They know what is important. They know if something fits or doesn’t fit. We don’t. We know what we would like to have. You know what? I would have liked DAI to be about the Mage/Templar war but that didn’t happen. I would have liked Samson to be the Inquisition’s Commander not Cullen. I didn’t get that either. I still enjoyed the game.

Bottom line? I trust the writers. People keep talking about the layoffs, but every writer is a veteran of DAI at least with some going all the way back to DAO. There are veteran ME writers on board as well. Story telling is what BioWare does best. I’m looking forward to the game.

#solas #dragon age #dragon age inquisition #solavellan #dai #solasmance #fen'harel #solas dragon age #solas dread wolf #da4 #da 4 spoilers #da the veilguard spoilers #dragon age 4 spoilers #veilguard spoilers #dragon age the veilguard spoilers

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bxtchycaprisun · 1 year ago

Text

obstinate (4) | a. anderson

summary: you’re a new medic in the WLF base. you’re young, hardworking, and the thing that abby anderson hated the most, stubborn.

notes: fem!reader, medic!reader, protective!abby, soldier!abby, mentions of injuries, civil conversation (for once 😮), mutual pining, this might be my fav chapter i’ve written so far

taglist: @caitlinisfruity @shaemonyou @mattm1964 @vigelvictoria @liabadoobee @shady-lemur @sweet-lover-girl @sweet-cow-nectar @anxiouso @novadanversss @paleidiot @makepastanotwar13 @juneswonderlust @ratdungeon @elliesrealw1fe @feelsoseencantdream (striked text means i can’t tag u)

an: here it is folks, eat up

MDNI!!

abby’s head hung low as she was hauled to the infirmary.

the bullet that was currently lodged in her shoulder hurt like a bitch. there were beads of sweat adorning her forehead and collarbones, and her brows furrowed from the sharp sting in her arm. but that wasn’t what mattered at the moment. she could care less about the pain.

what she did care about was the fact that her patrol had almost been over, and she was going to enjoy her full day off tomorrow, when she was ambushed, and shot. she had spent the entire day blowing off some steam, and planned to get a well needed night of sleep before an important conversation tomorrow.

believe it or not, she was going to pay a visit to your doorstep that upcoming day. not to apologize, obviously, that wasn’t her style. instead to make a proposition.

but of course, the universe had other plans for her. instead, she felt herself slipping in and out of a pained consciousness as her fellow soldiers lifted her onto a stiff hospital bed.

a familiar hand brushed her face, a thumb pressed firmly against her cheekbone as another finger peeled her eyelid upward, shining a bright light into her pupil. as she squints up at the ceiling, eyes adjusting to the bright infirmary lights, she heard a small chuckle before her.

“christ, anderson,” you shake your head, quick fingers cutting away her t shirt with your fabric scissors. “you’re not looking too hot.”

abby groans, instantly recognizing your familiar voice and soft hands. of course it would be you to treat her. she must have some really damn bad karma.

“don’t-” she shakes her head weakly, voice small, “don’t even start.”

abby was fully conscious now, eyes blown wide and face red as you cleaned up the wound, prepping it for surgery. she watched you with shallow breathes, simply accepting your taunting. she knew she had it coming.

“what was that you said, yesterday?” you ask slowly, voice dripping with sarcasm, “you haven’t been hit on the field in over a year?”

“shut up,” abby says in a hiss, her face pinching as you sanitize the wound. her fingers grip the edge of the bed, knuckles whitening. you notice her pain, and mumble “m’sorry,” as you clean her up. as much as you wish you did, you really didn’t enjoy seeing her like this.

“don’t think.. don’t think this’ll mean i’ll change my mind ‘bout anything,” abby brings up a weak hand, pointing at you with narrowed eyes.

“course not,” you shake your head, biting back a smile. you couldn’t even be upset by her comment. you were stubborn, and so was she. the last thing you wanted to be was a hypocrite.

“listen um-” you bite the inside of your lip, “the bullets shattered.”

she hums frustratedly, “figures.”

“i’m gonna put you under general anesthesia,” you move swiftly, prepping her forearm for an IV as you call over mel to control her dosage.

“try not to kill me while i’m under, will ya?” she says with a frown, but her eyes crease as if she’s smiling.

you laugh quietly, glad to see she was the same old abby, even in her worst.

“another time,” was the last thing she heard before going under.

. . .

abby woke up with little feeling in her body. she didn’t know what time it was, but judging from the dimly lit halls of the infirmary, and quiet buzz of conversation just around then corner, she could tell it was night.

she sat up with a grunt, gripping her left shoulder and feeling around at the intricately wrapped bandages. her eyes travel around the room, landing on the small table beside her. she picked up an orange pill bottle, reading the label carefully.

it was vicodin.

her eyes widen a bit. either mel was feeling generous today, or you had gone out of your way to get her extra good opioids. she furrowed her brows at the thought of the latter.

her gaze lifts as she hears footsteps entering her mostly empty tent. you rub your eyes as you step into the room, and full glass of water in your hand.

you walk to her bedside, smiling tightly. “you’re awake.” you say softly. you place a hand on her uninjured shoulder, and push her back against the bed gently, ignoring her mumbling protests. “you shouldn’t be sitting up.”

you grab the bottle and open it, dumping a single pill onto your hand, whispering, “open”

she nods, accepting the pill you set on her tongue and taking a sip of the water. her voice is hoarse as she speaks. “i’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

you breath in sharply, “you’re talking.”

“no i mean..” she begins, but you cut her off.

“abby, you really should just rest.”

“i’m fine,” she insists, craning her neck forward as she goes to sit up again. you click your tongue, pushing her back down. “please?” she whispers.

you snap your mouth shut, eyeing her suspiciously. “you gonna apologize?”

she scoffs. “no.”

“alright,” you chuckle dryly, “then please just rest.”

“why would i apologize?” she snaps, titling her head. “you should thank me, y’know, for keeping you out of the serevena. i mean, if this is the state i’m in, i can’t imagine how you’d have ended up.”

you roll your eyes, scolding yourself for thinking she’d have been any different today. “thank you, abby” you whisper sarcastically, “for saving my ass, healing my shoulder, and caring for me as i recover.” you take a long pause for dramatic effect. “oh wait. that was me.”

abby opens her mouth to bite back, but looks down. “thank you.” she says quietly. “i did mean to say that sooner. thank you.”

you nod, smiling slightly. “just doin my job.”

abby can’t help it as she says, “you give vicodin to every patient as a part of said job?”

you clench your jaw, feeling exposed. “you’re a top soldier, abby.” you respond slowly, “of course you’re going to get the good stuff.”

she nods, a smile creeping on her lips at your obvious discomfort. “right.”

a familiar silence falls upon the room as you step back from the bed. she watches you with parted lips, looking as if her words are stuck in her throat. “i have.. i have a proposition for you.”

you nearly snort at her choice of words, and you look down at her with an amused smirk. “a proposition?”

she snickers weakly, “i know that sounds weird, but, i need you to hear me out.”

you nod, tensing up a bit at the seriousness of her voice. you didn’t want to begin guessing what this was about. “okay… i’m listening.”

“you want to be able to go on patrol, isn’t that right?” she begins slowly, her voice low.

you nod carefully, humming “that’s right.”

“but from what i’ve seen, i can tell you’re not ready for that, is that correct?”

you inhale with a frown. “that’s what you think, yes.”

she chuckles at your clever remark. “you heard what isaac told the both of us. if you don’t get an okay from me, you can’t patrol.” she says with a grin.

you feel your face growing a bit hot. “what’re you doing abby? you just saying that to rub it in? trust me, you made your point pretty clear when you practically tackled me.”

tackled wasn’t exactly the word you used for it in your head, but it was safer to say than the alternative.

when she pressed you against a wall. when she held you to the ground. when you could practically feel her lips against your neck as she whispered to you. yeah no. tackled it is.

“i’m not trying to prove a point,” she hums, sitting up a bit once again. when you open your mouth to order her to lay back, she hushes you with a hand in your face. “don’t.”

you purse your lips and step back, giving up as she leans forward, large hand on her knee. “you couldn’t fight me off last night.”

your eyes narrow. “no abby. i couldn’t.” you throw your hands up, and cross them over your chest. “but majority of scars aren’t built like y-you..” you gesture at her arms, but trail off, your internal monologue telling you to just stop talking.

“built like what?” her smile is now wide and beaming. her fingers clutch her knee, and you can see her muscles flex. real subtle abby.

“never mind,” you huff. “what i mean, abby, is that most of our enemies aren’t like you. they don’t have a fully equipped gym, high protein diet, or even a steady roof over their heads. just because i can’t handle you, doesn’t mean i can’t handle them.”

“can’t handle me, huh?” she smirks and you nearly boil over.

she didn’t know why she was doing this. she shouldn’t flirt with you right now. she needed to convince you, not fluster you. but seeing the red tint on your cheeks, she just couldn’t help it.

and for you, watching her lick her lips, toned stomach exposed as she sits in only a black sports bra, you became weak.

“stop that.” you say quickly, your lips pulled into a stern pout.

“stop what?” she cocks her head.

“you- you know what- just.” you groan. “just get to your point, anderson.”

“you only call me that when you’re trying to act mad at me.”

“i don’t need to act mad, i am mad.”

“sure you are,” she puts a pretend frown on, “so mad.”

“abby…” you say her name warningly. “i don’t know what you think you’re doing, but it’s not working. get to your point.”

her smile softens a bit, and she sighs, humming your name. “you really won’t ever let me try to get along with you, will you?”

her questions catches you off guard a bit. you sit down on the edge of her firm bed, tucking your hair behind your ear. “that’s a two way street, abby.”

“what do you mean by that?”

“i mean.. you don’t let me get along with you either.” you say with a small shrug, “i feel like every time we have a conversation, you always find something to get on me about. and we end up fighting.”

abby sighs. “well that’s because… you always give me a reason to be upset.”

“or… because you overreact about things.” you say simply.

normally, abby would argue further. but watching the way your expression remains calm as you speak makes her soft. you were trying, and maybe she could do the same.

“maybe i do.”

her sentence is short, and her voice is firm. a lot was said in just those few words. it was more than she’d ever been able to admit in the past.

you surprise yourself as you hear the next words leave your mouth. “and maybe i… was a little too hard on you when you talked to isaac. i… didn’t mean what i said in the cafeteria.. about.. you thinking your better then everyone else.”

“i don’t.. think that.” she shakes her head with a grin, “only that i’m better than you.” her voice is playful, and it makes you crack a smile in return.

you look away from her, taking a deep breath as you listened to the whir of the fans in the tent. you could feel her eyes on you, and it makes your face hot.

you were still angry at her. you still couldn’t give her the satisfaction of thinking she was let off the hook.

she may have been charming, and her voice may be smooth, and she may make you nervous. and it was hard to ignore the fight in your mind as you look at her face, struggling to decide whether to memorize every freckle on her skin or just stare at her lips.

but she jeopardized your role in the WLF. she humiliated you, and she underestimated you, and she made you so desperately miss the girl you had first met.

she was acting awfully like that girl right now.

she wasn’t yelling at you, she was smiling at you. it made your stomach hurt.

you take a deep breath, finally meeting her eyes. “you… had a proposition,” you begin, “what was it?”

a part of you prayed that she would say something that made you mad again. it was easier that way. she was so much easier to be mad at when she wasn’t staring at you like she never meant a thing she did.

abby smiles. “you want to go on patrols, you have to train with me.”

you inhale from your nose, shaking your head. “abby, no.”

she whispers your name, followed by a “yes.”

“i’ll help you learn to shoot. i’ll help you learn to fight. i’ll make sure you can protect yourself.”

you frown, lowering your head. you couldn’t do this. you couldn’t be around her like this. she made you crazy. she made you want something she couldn’t give you.

you practically scream in your mind, yelling to snap the hell out of it! the two of you are constantly bouncing from simple conversations to jumping for each others throats. if you wanted to keep your sanity, and your dignity, you needed to avoid.

“that’s not gonna happen, abby,” you shake your head.

she doesn’t look surprised, nor does she look disappointed. she was determined.

“you’re never gonna go on patrol if you don’t agree to this.” she states.

you exhale through your teeth, rolling your eyes. “you’re… impossible.”

she chuckles, leaning towards you. “i’m not,” she laughs, “it’s a simple request. then i’ll leave you alone forever. free reign on the field.”

“i don’t have time for that, abby,” you shake your head, “i work too much here in the infirmary. it’s not gonna happen.”

“that’s exactly why you need me,” her voice is almost pleading. “you’re going to go insane in here. how long have you been here, anyways?”

“what do you mean?”

“how long have you been working? you were here before i came in, and you’re still here.”

“i’m used to it.” you respond quickly.

“how long,” she pressed with a raised eyebrow.

you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose between your fingers. “it’s a 24 hour shift. i’m almost over.”

she watches you through her blond lashes, her eyes softening.

she had always been praised for her work in the WLF. she got so many special privileges, attention, and respect. her work was rewarded, and people looked up to her.

and then there as you.

worked to the bone. face sunken from lack of sleep, yet a smile still so beautiful. you never got the recognition you deserved. you never got the love you deserved.

but from the way she was looking at you alone, you felt more appreciated than ever before.

“you don’t deserve that,” her voice is soft and gentle.

you remain silent as you stare at each other.

“when’s the last time you left the base?”

“uh-” you pause for a moment, “since the patrol with you.”

she sighs, leaning back a bit as her tongue rolls on the inside of her cheek. “you’re gonna go crazy if you stay in here.”

“yeah,” you answer, “thanks to you.” you instantly frown at yourself. why was this all you knew? why couldn’t you be civil?

abby doesn’t flinch from your words, however, only smiles more.

“you need me.”

you instantly break eye contact as she says this, your cheeks warming up.

“i-,” you exhale quickly, “what- what does that mean?”

“i mean, you need me to help you. i promise you, if you just train with me for a little while, i’ll let you go on whatever patrol you want.”

you shake your head, looking down, but she presses on.

“please? i just- i need to see that.. that you’ll be okay out there.”

“i will be.” your voice is shaky, meeting her same level of desperation. “just let me go. you’ll see, abby, you’ll see.”

“i’m not going to take that kind of risk,” her voice is more stern, “not when you can prove that to me here, in the safety of the base.”

“i’m not doing that, abby, so you can just forget it,” you can’t hide the frustration in your voice.

“why are you so god damn stubborn?” she raises her voice and you widen your eyes.

“i’m a grown woman, abby,” your tone is low, “i don’t need your help. and i don’t need your approval, so you can just forget it. i’d rather stay here at the infirmary, and go crazy.”

abby’s jaw clenches, and she rolls her head back. “you- just let me.. please?”

“no, okay?” you stand up. “look… i’ve gotta get back to work.” you reach to grab your bag, preparing to leave.

abby’s voice is sharp, and almost mean as she calls out to you. “are you even happy?”

you look at her with raised eyebrows, completely dumbfounded. “what?”

“you heard me.”

you stare at her, mouth open slightly. all you did was work, struggle to fall asleep, and suppress your feelings. happiness wasn’t something on your mind. it didn’t seem achievable.

“that doesn’t even matter,” you turn around again, but her voice stops you. your back faces her as she speaks.

“you need me.” she says quietly.

you don’t turn around as you respond. “what.. what are we even talking about right now?”

your question was bold, but so was her statement. were you reading this wrong? her words made you feel so light headed.

“i think you know what i’m talking about,” she says, tone low and sultry. you swallow hard, trying to stop your body from shaking.

when you don’t respond, abby takes it as a rejection.

“i’m sorry- that was.. that was out of line- i just mean, i think getting out of this place will give you some peace of mind,” she sounds almost insecure, “you need it.”

you can’t risk turning back around, fear of her seeing your red face, or the way your legs squeeze together. why’d she have to take it back?

your response is slow and soft. “i’ll.. i’ll be fine, abby. you should rest.” and you leave her with that as you exit the room, not daring to breath until you were out of her eyesight.

. . .

to your ultimate despair, you didn’t see abby anderson for an entire week.

you didn’t return to her bedside until she was admitted. you didn’t see her in the cafeteria, even when you went during normal breakfast hours. you didn’t see her stop into the infirmary. you didn’t see her anywhere.

and you knew it was purposeful.

you had shut her down, turned her away. and she didn’t know how to accept it.

even when she tried to be nice, and understanding, and patient, you still wouldn’t agree to a thing.

she didn’t want to see you, or talk to you, or spy on you anymore. she knew if she did, she’d just start begging again. and she had to stop doing that.

so she did the only thing she knew how.

she avoided.

but for you, on the other hand. you didn’t even have the time to make sense of it.

with a weak total of 30 hours of sleep in the last week, and 3 consecutive 12 hour shifts the last few days, you were truly going out of your mind.

you were, once again, a walking corpse. you slept during the entire day in your dungeon of a room, and woke up in the night to slave away in the infirmary.

you rarely saw sunlight, rarely went outside for fresh air. you barely ate, or showered, or even spoke.

and ever since abby had asked you if you were happy, that’s all you craved. to feel happy.

you’re body ached with both the need of something different, and from the soreness of your neck.

you treated countless soldiers with minor injuries, beaming smiles on their faces as they cackles with their counterparts, sharing stories of their excitement out on the field.

your heart stang with jealousy.

one soldier mentioned how abby had found a way into an old record store, collecting dozens of practically untouched records and bringing them home to distribute based on who she knew liked the artists.

she kept the Siamese Dream album by The Smashing Pumpkins for herself.

that night you dreamed of listening to it with her.

you woke up at midnight, your shift only hours away. only this time, you didn’t plan on going to it.

your body was hot and your skin felt tingly as you emerged from the covers. your pajama shorts hung loosely by your hips, swallowed by the old t shirt on your shoulders. you ran your fingers through your hair, and let out a groan of frustration.

you wanted her. you needed her.

and you wanted out of this damn base.

one of those things, you knew a way to make happen.

you told yourself to turn around as your slippered feet padded down the halls of the base. you told yourself you decided that you wouldn’t do this. wouldn’t give in to her demands, and deal with your job in the infirmary.

but your head heart from your lack of vitamin d, and your joints ached from your lack of movement.

your frown was nearly cemented onto your face from your lack of abby.

abby.

which is why you shut down your doubt, and brought your shaking fist to her door, knocking gently.

she didn’t open at first, and you wait with a trembling figure, eyes wide and desperate. but eventually, you hear the lock click, and the door swings open.

“what do you-,” she begins as she scratches the back of her neck, but stops when she sees you before her, her hand dropping to her side.

she takes in your state. your hair is messy and wild. your eyes are glossy, and you smell like sleep and cinnamon. you part your puffy lips, and she feels weak in the knees as she watches you. she whispers your name, and you finally speak.

“i- i need you.”

#abby anderson #abby anderson x you #abby anderson x female reader #abby tlou #obstinate #abby anderson fic #abby anderson the last of us 2

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love-bitesx · 1 year ago

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How do you think would Hobie calm down reader who is having a panic attack

i’ve had such an anxious day and then this drops into my asks, god has favourites. is this entire ramble just self-indulgent bc my ex was horrific with dealing w my panic attacks? maybeeeeee.

hobie brown x reader (TW: panic attacks)

first and foremost, before even attempting to figure out what’s wrong, he’s armed with a glass of water and a helping hand.

he’s had panic attacks before, and if not, then his close friends have, so he’s knowledgable on how they work, feel and how to help.

hand on your back, drawing soft shapes and sweet nothings onto your skin. he watches for a second, trying to gauge how you need him to help. he understands you might not be able to talk to him in that moment, but he asks anyway.

i don’t believe he’d kiss you (not during the actual panic attack at least, safety first everyone), or grab you and cradle you, or any kind of big explosive reaction, unless that’s what you specifically had told him. i think he’s gentle with you, moving slowly and carefully, asking your consent along the way to make sure he’s not gonna make it worse.

“s’this okay, darlin’?” he hovers his touch over you and waits for a trembling nod or any sign of agreement before moving forward.

if you say no, or don’t respond, he understands, taking his hand from you, and simply talks you through it the best he can from afar.

if you agree, and find comfort in touch in that moment, then he softly slips his hand into yours, bringing it to his chest, laying it flat against his skin.

“feel that? my breathin?” he takes a few exaggerated breaths, in and out with breaks to ground you, “breathe with me, can you do that?”

a major thing, is he doesn’t judge. if you’re hyperventilating, tears streaming, makeup running (if you wear it), he doesn’t even pass a single thought of judgement. he doesn’t flinch; if it’s scary or upsetting for him, then it’s 100 times worse for you, and he understands that.

“see, darlin’,” his tone is gentle and warm, coaxing you through the anxiety, “knew you could do it, aye?”

helping you sip the cold water, still holding your hand to his chest and guiding you through the breathing, his free hand comes to wipe your tears.

“when you’re ready, can you tell me what’s wrong?” there’s no pressure behind his words, he’s a very relaxed guy, outside of his spider-self, and doesn’t care if it takes you hours to tell him what’s wrong, his main priority is making sure you feel safe and grounded.

if you tell him, he helps you unpack it, giving you a shoulder to cry on and words of comfort that bubble the anxiety away. he’d probably crack tasteful jokes about it as well, affirmed by the teary smile on your face.

if you decide not to, again, he respects it. letting you know that if you want to, it’s safe with him and he’s just happy you’ve calmed down.

he’d cancel anything he had that day, spending the rest of it with you, doing whatever you require to calm yourself and destress. he’d probably play soft chords on his guitar for you, strumming mindlessly with your head on his shoulder, placing a kiss to your forehead every so often.

his main priority is always you, and your safety, so he’s constantly asking how he can help you best, ways you’ve found that he can use to calm you down, what you need, etc. and just generally be anything you need him to be when you’re plagued with anxiety.

just perfect.

my GOD i need him PLEASE.

#hobie brown #hobie brown fanfiction #hobie brown imagine #across the spiderverse #hobie brown x you #hobie brown x reader #hobie x reader #hobie my beloved #atsv hobie #hobie #hobie spiderverse #spiderpunk #hobie x you #hobie headcanons #atsv #across the spider verse spoilers #spider punk x you #spider punk x reader #spider punk

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writingquestionsanswered · 5 months ago

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hey, i love your blog, you’re so kind for doing all of this. kudos.

i was wondering if you have advice on how to not be terrified of sharing your work with the world? i write a lot of fanfiction (and someday hopefully some original stories) but i get so so anxious about ANYONE reading them so they usually end up rotting in my google docs, and eventually i stop writing them because i don’t get the motivation that comes from reader responses

but the issue is i’m not sure how to tackle this anxiety. as someone who has published works, do you have advice for this?

Tackling the Anxiety of Sharing Your Work

For my answer, I'm going to cobble together some bits from previous posts and add some new stuff. ♥

Sharing our fiction with others is one of the biggest steps we take as writers, and it can be scary no matter what you write. But, if you want to be published, it’s a necessary step. As with so many things in life, doing something that requires courage is often just a matter of taking a deep breath and doing it. "Ripping off the band-aid," as they say.

However, there are some things that might help ease the associated anxiety a bit:

1 - Try to Pin Down Your Specific Fears - One of the first things you may want to do is try to figure out what you're specifically afraid of or what's making you the most anxious about the prospect of sharing your work. If you can find the root cause, it might be easier to tackle the associated anxiety. Are you worried people:

will think your writing is bad?

won’t like your writing style?

won’t get your story/characters?

will judge you for what you write about?

will think less of you for writing at all or what you write about?

will blab about your writing to others?

will steal your ideas?

will see similarities between your story and others?

will make you feel tied to a project you might not complete?

I tackle some of these in the writing-related-fears portion of my Motivation master list.

2 - Don't Rush It - If you take the time to properly revise and edit your story, you can be confident in knowing you've put in the time and effort to make your story the best it possibly can be.

3 - Start Small - If you can, try sharing your story first with an "alpha reader," or in other words a trusted friend, family member, or community member who can appreciate your story. In this case, you might say you're not looking for specific feedback but just a general impression of what they liked about the story. This way, it's not about getting constructive criticism so much as getting over the hump of sharing it and getting the little boost of what they like about the story.

4 - Gradually Go Bigger - From there, you might try sending to a couple of beta readers and opening up to a bit more feedback. The great thing about this is not only are you conditioning yourself to sharing and getting the opinions of others, you can potentially use the feedback to iron out kinks in the story if there are any.

5 - Use a Pen Name - You might want to consider using a pen name for anonymity. Pen names have many different purposes, but much like wearing a mask at a party, they can decrease your inhibition a bit because it creates a bit of a buffer between the real you and your writing.

6 - Post and Let It Go - Many writers get around the issue by simply not engaging with reader feedback, and if you're someone who cares what other people think or are likely to be daunted by the prospect of criticism, this may be the best route for you to go. Now, I know that with fan-fiction in particular, reader feedback is often used for improvement. But the truth of the matter is, you shouldn't rely on reader feedback for improvement anyway. Alpha readers, beta readers, critique partners, and editors are a much better metric for where to improve. When you get your feedback elsewhere, you can post your story and let it fly on its own without worrying about what others are saying.

I hope that helps!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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makemeimmortalwithahug · 3 months ago

Text

My Place By Your Side

Painland Week Day 1 - Love Languages/Sickfic

Charles/Edwin - post-canon

@painlandweek has brought me so much joy, it's so fun to just write for the sake of celebrating something I love again

Word count: 3920

summary:

When Edwin gets sick, Charles needs to figure out a way to comfort both Edwin and himself.

“Mate, that really doesn’t look too good.” Charles was crouched over Edwin’s arm, the shirt-sleeve rolled up to reveal the pale skin that sported dots in varying sizes and colours that made Charles feel sick in return. The rash reached from his elbow until the back of his hand, starting small in muted earthy tones that anyone else might have mistaken simply for moles. But Charles knew Edwin like no one else. He could’ve reached out and found every scar, every beauty spot or callus blindly in an instant. He could’ve counted the speckles in Edwin’s eyes from memory alone.

“Astute observation, Charles,” Edwin sniped but Charles wasn’t fooled. The distress in his voice was obvious, pitchy and cutting around the vowels. He had spent the better part of the day going through his collection of books that dealt with similar symptoms while he kept anxiously glimpsing at the exposed skin. It had not reached the other arm yet but when Edwin lost his bowtie, complaining about the heat in the office that had never bothered him before, Charles could see hot pink and green speckles like those on Edwin’s hand.

“No reason to snap, mate, I don’t know what caused this either.”

If there was any indicator for how worried Edwin was in that moment himself, it was at what speed he gave in. Charles could see him practically wilt right in front of him, his shoulders drooping and Edwin shifting his weight self-consciously from one foot to the other.

“I do apologise, Charles. I frankly do not know what to do.”

Charles frowned. Edwin was stubborn on his worst days, a quality Charles found oddly charming. To see him fold so easily was more disconcerting than it should have been.

Charles stood up and moved to put his hand on Edwin’s shoulder in comfort, trying with all his might to make it seem casual and not an act to calm his own nerves. Before he could feel the soft fabric, however, Edwin flinched away, forgetting to phase through the desk and instead hitting it and knocking down the last payment they had received for a job well jobbed (a magical ball of wool that kept changing colours depending on your mood).

Well, Charles thought hysterically, there was that.

In the unsure way only an entirely gobsmacked person could manage, Charles drew his hand back.

His heart hurt. He didn’t know that was still possible.

In general, Edwin wasn’t known for initiating their physical contact but he certainly wasn’t averse to it, always grateful for feeling Charles close to him. Except for literal Hell, Charles couldn’t remember a time where Edwin had avoided his touch.

“Charles,” he heard, but the word hardly registered. He kept awkwardly staring at his hand.

“Charles,” Edwin said again, closer now again as he cautiously inched around the desk.

“Mhh.” The sound was less acknowledgement and more a way to push back the cry that wanted to force its way out of Charles’ mouth.

“You must know that I mean no offence,” Edwin began, which almost caused Charles to snort or, at the very least, crack a smile. Never in their friendship after the day of their meeting had Edwin bothered with sugar-coating anything. Charles had spent the majority of his life tip toeing around his father in fear of his rage at any given moment. Until he met Edwin, he hadn’t known how much he’d like not having to guess someone’s feelings and walk around on eggshells.

Edwin cleared his throat. “I do realise this situation is far from ideal, what with all these new cases.” This at last pulled Charles somewhat out of his stupor. Who cared about the bloody cases? “But we cannot risk you falling ill as well in the pursuit of helping me get to the bottom of this. We don’t even know whether it is contagious, not to mention by touch or mere proximity!”

Edwin ran both hands through his hair, messing up the carefully coiffed strands. It was a gesture so jarringly agitated and foreign on him that it shocked Charles once more. “Therefore,” he concludes, “it would be better if I keep my distance until I have found a solution.”

And the worst thing was: Charles couldn’t blame him for coming to this conclusion. This supernatural disease could end up in more chaos than they usually dealt with. Because what else could it have been? Edwin had his last cold in 1915 and the last time he had so much as sneezed was when that poor bloke’s head had blown up into their faces in Port Townsend and he had been too shocked to let it not affect him.

No, Edwin was right. This could endanger the agency if Charles accidentally got sick too. One detective out of commission for legwork was bad enough and he didn’t want to imagine one of their clients catching this.

Didn’t mean that Charles had to like this plan, though. And it wasn’t particularly about them not being able to touch anymore for the foreseeable future. Despite how right Crystal was when she said that they lived in each other’s pockets, they weren’t literally attached at the hip.

What Charles actually made nauseous was the way in which Edwin had recoiled from him that resonated horribly within him. Ghosts couldn’t normally get cold, but Charles felt like someone had shoved a bunch of ice cubes into the inside of his polo shirt, leaving him shivering and shaken.

He never wanted to make Edwin feel scared of him and even though he knew that Edwin was just trying to protect him, something about the alarm in his eyes had him thinking back to seeing himself in the mirror when he heard his father come home early. He had sworn to himself that he would never put this look in anyone’s eyes - accident or not. He had already failed at that with the Night Nurse, but even then it had been Charles who had shied away from contact and not Edwin. Never Edwin. Until today. Edwin used to freeze, sure, and it had taken a long time for Edwin to lean on Charles as well, but he didn’t know what to do now with the sharp panic edged into his best mate’s features.

A soft sound made him pay attention to his surroundings again. Edwin was still standing at least an arm’s length away from him, his hand curled into a fist to knock against the top of the desk to get Charles’ attention. His eyebrows were furrowed in concern, his mouth a thin line. A blue dot had reached the side of his throat.

Charles sighed and shot him a quick smile, trying to seem fondly exasperated at the worry.

“For sure, mate. You’ll be well in no time, it’s gonna be brills.”

Charles hated this for both of them, but most of all for Edwin. From the outside, nothing seemed to have changed. Edwin was still sitting at his desk, rifling through paperwork, while Charles sat upside-down on their couch, throwing the magical ball of wool from one hand to the other. It was navy blue.

He felt like there was an invisible barrier between them, a line Charles couldn’t cross without repercussions he couldn’t imagine. Edwin looked like a confetti cannon had exploded right in front of him, the confetti littering his face.

After Niko and Crystal showed up at the agency to keep an eye on Edwin (Edwin vehemently argued that he did not need a minder, thank you very much), Charles had risked a quick mirror-trip to Tragic Mick to get advice. To everyone’s dismay, Tragic Mick said there was nothing they could do except wait it out.

That was two weeks ago and Charles thought he was going insane. His best mate constantly looked on edge and seemed on the verge of tears at every minor inconvenience in his files. The Night Nurse was no help either, opting to comply with Edwin’s self-assigned quarantine that he had set in motion after Crystal expressed a slight scratching in her throat. The only acceptable exception to his isolation was Charles. Which should make him feel better but it just made him long even more for Edwin because he could see him.

No, they never used to touch constantly but there had always been the possibility. Having this revoked from him, the reassurance that Edwin was in reach, that he was there, made his skin feel tight. After Hell, it had been so good to walk next to Edwin, leaning into him or letting his fingers brush Edwin’s shoulders - to have physical proof that Edwin was with him.

Now, Charles sometimes looked at Edwin, watching the outline of him against the backdrop of the window so hard that he was almost convinced that Edwin was just a figment of his imagination. That only his silhouette was left for him to admire from afar while the real Edwin was still stuck in Hell.

Other times, he just stared into the air, his mind stuck on how Edwin jerked back on impulse - to get away from Charles. He never wanted to make Edwin feel helpless but he still managed to fail, leaving Edwin with the desperate need to get enough space between them. The thought was enough to repeat the moment again and again, a split-second decision that haunted Charles.

Poorly suppressing a groan, Edwin stood up and started pacing the floor. He came to a halt in front of their massive bookshelf, where he started pulling out books at random, flipping brusquely through the pages. Every so often, a gust of wind came through their window that turned the pages, which made Edwin quietly swear before giving up. They were less than four metres apart but it might as well have been an entire ocean. Edwin kept pulling on and off his gloves in irritation. All Charles wanted to do was to make it somehow better. He needed to make it better. But usually his strategy for making Edwin feel better was to hug him or lean into his side or put his head against his.

On the day Niko and Crystal finished moving into their new flat, Niko spent an evening curled up with Charles on her bed doing quizzes online while Crystal introduced Edwin to the confusing twists and turns of reality tv next door. One of the quizzes was called, “What is YOUR Love Language?” and after Niko explained the concept to him, Charles set to answering the questions until the words, “Physical Touch” blinked at him. He hadn’t put much thought to it except yeah, that checks out.

But Charles was at a loss now. How could he cheer Edwin up? When he was in this space of mind, no word of support would get through to Edwin, but how else should he reach him?

He tried anyway. “Mate, we’ll get through this, you know that, right? Tragic Mick said it’ll pass and you trust him.” At least he did after his soapstone bear had managed to save Niko. Charles made sure to make his voice as happy as possible, as “happy-go-lucky” as he could manage.

“I know.” But the flat tone told Charles that Edwin didn’t know. Bloody hell, why did he have to be so rubbish at words? In the end, though, there was nothing Charles could say in this situation that would ease Edwin’s worries. Charles had a lot of practice soothing Edwin when he was stressed about something but he wouldn’t be fobbed off with sweet nothings. Normally, Charles could give Edwin a new perspective, but right now Charles was in the same hole of despair and however hard he’d wreck his brain, he couldn’t come up with anything remotely helpful.

Sighing, he let himself slide down off the couch and onto the floor when something caught his eye. He reached out and found a small box on top of a stack of colourful paper. The box contained pretty ribbons, glitter pens, googly eyes, different yarns and at the bottom, there was a thin booklet about origami. Niko must’ve left it here, she enjoyed making all kinds of decorations and had gone at it with extra vigour when Crystal allowed her to decorate their flat (under supervision by Edwin. Who was not as assertive as one might have imagined, only fools thought someone could resist Niko).

Charles tilted his head, discreetly looking at Edwin who didn’t pay him any attention, a hopeless expression on his face, his now once again gloved fingers curling uselessly. Charles would do anything to see Edwin smile again, no matter how long this nightmare would go on. And Charles got to work.

Charles couldn’t say that he was a crafty person, in life or death. He knew his way around his bag of tricks and could hold a paintbrush well enough to paint runes and used to do pottery with his mother. But he never made things like the adorable mug cosies Niko loves.

Therefore, he figured he should start simple. In this case - a bookmark. Edwin normally didn’t bother using them because he is the brains, after all, he just memorised the last page he had read. There were cases, though, where they both were in a hurry and having to spare precious time for Edwin to rifle through a proper tome while the danger came closer and closer was never a good time for any of them.

A bookmark it was, then. He first made a dark blue one, a paper rectangle with a hole through which he threaded a few threads of silver yarn and knotted them. It looked elegant, something that would fit into Edwin’s encyclopaedias or the poetry books stacked in-between. Edwin was sitting on the desk, playing with the now grey-ish ball of wool. Charles would tease him, because Edwin was the one who usually chastised Charles lightheartedly for not sitting properly, but honestly Charles was just relieved Edwin was doing anything but forlornly looking at his files. They hadn’t bickered in days. Edwin seemed exhausted enough that he didn’t talk much. Charles would be scared that his best mate was getting sick of being stuck here with him. And a part of him was still petrified of how scared Edwin had acted and that was the only thing that kept Charles from following the direction in which every atom of his body longed to pull him - right into Edwin’s arms, his face plastered into the crook of his neck. It kept him confined to his spot on their couch, embarrassingly conscious of their positions in the room, the walls closing in on him whenever he blinked, compelling him to press deeper into the cushions to give Edwin the space he deserved.

But even he realised that the “stuck here” part without being able to go on cases as an outlet was the problem and not Charles. He willed his mind to shut it.

Speaking of cases, he felt bad leaving Edwin behind and in the one case had been on since Edwin got sick, a deep feeling of homesickness had made him careless, like a missing limb throwing him off his balance.

From then on, he had referred the easier cases to Crystal and Niko, while he had checked in with their clients with more difficult cases and told them they would get back to them as soon as possible.

Now Charles was on a new case: The “Give Edwin Presents (Probably) Debacle”. He picked up the bookmark and slowly made his way towards Edwin, hiding the gift behind his back. “Hey there, mate,” he grinned, coming to a halt in front of him - still far enough from him to not freak him out -, and nervously shuffled his feet.

The ball of wool flashed a subdued pink hue. “Charles,” he said, a small smile gracing his lips, a blink-and-you-miss-it moment. There were so many dots in his face, blue and green and magenta. The others on his arm hadn’t disappeared either but at least didn’t Edwin seem bothered by the heat anymore. Small mercies. “Is there something you need?”

I need you to get better, I need to reach out again and feel again, I need to sit near you again, my place is still there, right? By your side? Do you forgive me? Say it’s going to be okay soon.

“Ah, no mate, everything’s aces. So, ah, you know, business is pretty slow right now, so I thought I’d make you a little something to…” to pass the time, he almost said, but that wasn’t right, was it? Charles didn’t want Edwin to think this came from simple boredom and not from the heart. “to make you smile,” he finished, holding the bookmark at one corner out to Edwin so that he could grab the other one.

But Edwin didn’t reach out immediately and instead stared down at it, puzzled beyond belief.

Humour had rarely disappointed him. “Come on, mate, don’t let me down here. I might just cry,” he joked.

This set Edwin in motion and he reached for the bookmark, inspecting it. And after turning it in his hands a couple of times, he finally broke out in a brilliant smile, his eyes bright. He looked up at Charles and made an aborted move like he wanted to hug him, but for the first time in weeks, the realisation that that wasn’t possible right now didn’t dim the spark in his eyes.

“Thank you so much, Charles. It’s beautiful.” Charles basked in the unabashed sincerity and warmth. It had been such a simple and easy thing to do but hearing Edwin’s praise made him happy and proud in a way he couldn’t describe with words. He didn’t need to, he was feeling it.

“Don’t mention it, happy to do it.” And he was.

It didn’t stop there. The bookmark found a home in one of Edwin’s favourite books and another one soon followed - an origami bookmark corner for which Charles found instructions in the book. It was quite nice to have something to do with his hands, being careful to neatly fold the corners and afterwards decorating it with silly googly eyes and a glitter pen smile. Edwin found it incredibly charming.

“That’s going to come quite in handy on cases, the other one might fall out, thank you!” The excitement was addicting and Charles loved seeing how Edwin flourished.

The dots became fewer. Charles counted them like the days that passed on the calendar.

An origami owl followed. He used a light green sheet of paper, gave it buttons as eyes and made a bowtie out of a red ribbon. When Edwin saw it, he smiled this soft smile that made Charles melt inside. “I don’t think ‘thank you’ suffices anymore,” he murmured. “I don’t have anything to give you.”

Charles moved closer to him. Edwin was lounging at the desk and Charles carefully sat down on the corner, almost where he always used to greet their clients.

“Edwin, honest, you give me so much. Just keep being you.” Edwin laughed and Charles only ached a little. The ball of wool glowed green.

He made origami plants and butterflies, stars and swans. They littered their windowsills and shelves. Their office never used to look this colourful.

It had been a little over a month. Who was Charles kidding? He knew the exact time. One month, three days and five hours and Edwin’s supernatural cold had finally ended. There was nothing but pale skin to be seen.

The moment Charles saw the last dot on Edwin’s cheek disappear, he leaped up and practically flew over to him, pulling him into his arms, chanting, “It’s gone, Edwin, it’s gone, it’s gone!” He pulled back and kissed the same spot where the last reminder of this nightmare had been. And then the other cheek. Edwin’s arms were tight like a vice around him, gripping the back of his shirt.

“Charles…” He gasped softly, a man dying of thirst being offered a cup of water. Charles could relate. When he died, he had given up the need for air. Now, he just needed Edwin.

Blinking back tears, Charles buried his face in Edwin’s chest. He couldn’t imagine letting Edwin go, in this decade or the next. Feeling the proof that he was really there - his Edwin was with him, Edwin wanted to be there with him - under his fingertips, it was like letting out a breath he had held for too long.

But there was one thing left to do. Blindly, he felt after one of Edwin’s hands. It took a few tries and gentle shushing to pry Edwin’s fingers off of Charles, but eventually he pulled the hand to his mouth, kissed the back of it and linked their hands.

“Shh, you’re alright mate, c’mon, love, it’s okay. Let’s just get over there, yeah? Easy, innit?”

They ended up on the couch, Edwin’s face pressed into his neck. All semblance of composure had vanished long ago. They were both frayed at the seams, chests pried open to reveal their unbeating hearts, vulnerable and open to one another.

Hastily, Charles went through the pockets of his jackets in search of his most important gift yet. His fingers closed around it.

“Edwin, hey? I got something for you.” He presented him with a little paper heart in blue and red. Charles had the front row seat to see Edwin’s eyes fill up with new tears all over again, joy flowing over his lovely face.

Edwin let go of Charles’ hand in favour of taking the heart into both of his reverently, careful as if he were handling a real one, and pressed it to his chest where his own heart was.

They leaned into each other, with Charles eventually ending up on top of Edwin, and he lazily played with Edwin’s short hair. The next time Charles kissed Edwin, it was softly on the lips. Both of them drifted to a not-quite-sleep with Charles’ lips pressed to Edwin’s forehead

With quarantine officially over, Niko and Crystal were allowed back in the agency. They hugged them tightly and Edwin didn’t even complain about how “a handshake would have sufficed, Crystal”. While Edwin was resting with his head in Charles’ lap, he and Niko took up their usual search for quizzes again. They came across another one of those talking about love languages. This time, his result was “Words of Affirmation”. When he fussed about how his results could’ve changed so quickly, Niko just giggled.

“Oh, but it’s not just black and white, you know,” she explained in her soft voice. “It’s never just one of them. Here, you can see your percentages.” She pointed at a few blue bars, the first one titled the same as his result with 74 percent, the second one, “Physical Touch”, just barely below with 71 percent. “And there’s also a difference of which direction the love language takes. It’s a two-way street. Love languages for how you love and for how you wish to be loved. And that changes constantly, and multiple can overlap. It’s interesting, isn’t it?”

Niko smiled brightly and Charles was helpless to do anything but give her one of his own.

“Which ones do you think Edwin has?” she mused.

Charles grinned and ran his fingers through Edwin’s hair. “I think I have an idea or two.”

#painlandweek #painland week #dead boy detectives #payneland #painland #charles rowland #edwin payne #niko sasaki #crystal palace

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froznwater · 5 months ago

Note

im so sorry this is incredibly random but if i dont write alenoah i WILL die but i cant think of anything to write. do u have any simple ideas. ignore if not

HI!!! tysm for your ask <3 i hope you can find something to write amongst all the ideas. These are a bunch of ideas have written down in my notes/google drive/tumblr posts and have not got gotten around to. I still might at some point in time but feel free to use them. I will still do my own take if I get the time/motivation. There's simply so many, why not share and inspire some fics :)

----

General ideas:

Noah knows/learns spanish. Bonus points if Alejandro isn't aware until the perfect moment.

Alejandro thinks he can get away with flirting with Noah in spanish. Noah starts shit talking in spanish. Noah learns so he can hear all the little comments Alejandro keeps making under his breath. etc. so many possibilities.

Now that the show is over and Noah's off to college, he realizes he’s missing something in his life. Maybe it’s his friends, maybe it’s a lack of ever-looming danger, OR maybe it’s Alejandro. Who fucking knows. He’s too busy trying not to be in love with Alejandro to figure it out.

Their group project is failing, horribly. There’s one thing Noah knows for certain: Alejandro's to blame. At what point does slippery eel turn into a term of endearment?

They have never ever fallen asleep next to each other. Let alone in each other's arms. Never.

Time loop where Alejandro is stuck on the episode where Noah gets voted out and sticks himself to falling in love because he can’t let go of his pride long enough to simply let Noah stay in the game and move on.

Noah loses his contacts and starts wearing his glasses more often. Alejandro notices. Everyone notices Alejandro notices.

Alejandro and Noah team up to get their friends together (insert whatever ship you like) and end up together in the process/the other two were trying to do the same thing for them.

A commentary timeline on how Alejandro's charisma turn into exploitation, how Noah's patience turned into indifference, and how they parallel each other. (I've written a few hundred words for this one lol.)

Each thinks the other doesn't like them. Cut to third party POV that watches and witnesses them completely a mess for each other.

Noah, once voted out in I See London, learns about Alejandro's family. Who have been very vocal since the show started airing.

Exploration of how Alejandro tries really really hard. Yes, He's at the top of the class, but so is Noah. Noah who sleeps through classes and doesn't turn in homework and shows up late or simply not at all and is still right up there with him.

“I would kill to be like you. To just absorb all the information fed to me. If I were you I might actually- “(beat my brother) “Might actually what?” “I told you. I don’t want to talk about it, Noah.” - "Do you know how long I studied for that test? Hours. And you- You got a 96 with no effort at all." It was a 98. But this seems like a bad time to correct him.

Dialogue one-liners prompts i've written down:

"If we make it out of this alive, I'm going to kiss you."

“Why do I feel like I cant say no to you?”

"I know you don't actually care about me, but thank you for trying to pretend that you do." (Said by Noah is joking. Said by Alejandro is bitter.)

"You can't win against someone who has nothing to lose."(Alejandro OR Noah angst.)

Soulmate aus:

My big two: Telepathy/Mentally linked.(imagine this one as a wt rewrite omg) And Whatever you draw on yourself shows up on your soulmate. Matching tattoos.

First words on each other. (I've done this one already here. but feel free to do it as well!!)

Communicating through dreams. (If you know cardcaptor sakura; like that.)

General AUs:

Until dawn AU.

Gakuen Alice AU.

My Babysitters A Vampire AU. Zombie Apoc AU.

Harry Potter AU. Reality Dating Show AU.

Infinity Train AU!!!!!!

Veronica Mars AU!!!! (i wanna do this one ALOT noah is sooo veronica LMAO) OBLIGATORY IDEAS:

seven minutes in heaven.

wrong number.

trapped in a closet.

movie night. noah is sitting under alejandro and lol they are physically, platonically touching for awhile. (leads to finally getting together).

one gets injured, the other fixes them up in the nurses office :P.

short "prompt-ishs" i've started writing:

“What the hell is your problem, Alejandro?” And this time, the tone was so disgusted, so bitter, that something snapped, deep in Alejandro’s chest.

Fuck it.

“What’s my problem?” He asked, incredulous. “What’s my problem? You’ve got to be kidding me, Courtney. I almost died. I almost died, paralyzed and alone, and the only friend I thought I had didn’t give a single shit! The only person who cared was Noah, of all people. I quite literally come back to life and the only thing you can do is whine about your girlfriend problems.”

Courtney takes a step back.

“I was stuck in a robot for months, my legs barely work, my family moved on- actually, I don’t know if they ever actually even noticed,” He laughs, broken, “- and you have the audacity to ask me what my problem is?!”

Alejandro is over playing nice. He’s had enough.

this one is a rivals team up to get out courtney blurb

little idea about Alejandro getting into zodiacs.

moments where alejandro questions why Noah is so attractive

SEND MORE ASKS IF ANYONE HAS ANY QUESTIONS ON ANY OF THESE IDEAS!!! / IF THEY HAVE ANY IDEAS OR CONCEPTS TO ADD OR EXPAND ON :)))

#alenoah #fanfic #fanfics #total drama #total drama alenoah #td alenoah #ideas #masterlist

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aihaitahm · 1 year ago

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Hiyaaa! Could you do headcannons for Gepard and Jing Yuan on like them as parents? I don’t know why but the concept feels like stuck in my mind and I’d really like to see your takes on it

gepard + jing yuan as parents

hiii sorry been busy!! i got zelda:totk recently and been playing that + honkai star rail + genshin. also im abt to get a job soon so i might be extra busy. enjoy <3

cw gn! reader, using yanqing as the adopted kid of jing yuan. sorry idk much abt being a parent so its short

gepard

whether you birth your own kid or adopt one, he would still love it with his most. gepard is super sweet and he wants to make sure you both are happy and to live comfortable in life.

even though he can be super busy and always have shifts as the captain of the silvermane guards, he will always always always attend to his child’s performances, birthdays and just in general a present father to them.

he would spoil his child/children so much… sometimes you have to tell him not to. but how could he deny those puppy eyes. he would attempt to sing lullabies or read stories to them all the time. you caught him one time trying to sing a lullaby and he just turned into a flustered mess.

would cook them meals and pack them snacks if needed. isnt the best cook but also not the worst. would always protect them and teach them how to do self defense. would let auntie serval babysit them if needed if you both are away.

overall a very good father figure. the type to listen to what his kid/s has to say. can be stern enough when lecturing his kids but you also have to be there or else he starts feeling really bad when his child starts tearing up after his lecture.

jing yuan

strict but sweet dad. he wants his kid to grow up responsible and strong while they also have fun but be also disciplined. (yanqing duh) sometimes you have to tell him to take it easy on yanqing and he understands where youre coming from. even though he is strict, he wouldnt insult or shout at his kid.

would bond with his kid a lot because bond is simply irreplaceable. he genuinely wants yanqing/his kid to be happy at what he is doing and regardless of what they want to do, he’d support it.

the father figure where his child can open up to him about anything. he would listen intently and give them a solid advice or answer a silly question. he would often relate them to his past experiences and tell them what he did in a similar situation.

is never worried. very confident in his kid/s abilities. lets say yanqing got an injury and he just isnt worried. already attending to him/asking doctors to heal him, while he has to calm you down. his kid is strong because they got it from him (doesnt care if its not hereditary, they still got it from him.)

#honkai star rail #jing yuan #jing yuan x reader #gepard #gepard hsr #gepard x reader #hsr jing yuan #honkai star rail x reader

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sunderingstars · 1 month ago

Text

☆━━━━━ ⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☾ ◯ ☽₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ━━━━━━☆

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ PERCEPTION BY OTHERS ⌝

sampo analysis m.list

— what the stars reveal: interpretative analysis, general with a bit of elation thrown in for funsies

— word count: 3k

— overview: (as of 2.5) a brief look at other characters’ voicelines about mr. sampo koski!

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✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ NATASHA ⌝

I may have brought this up in another analysis at some point, but Natasha makes a point to emphasize how Sampo doesn’t like owing people things. “Favors” seem to exist in a grey area to him, a purgatory where he can’t quite tell what they’ll turn into in the future. As a businessman, it makes sense he would want to nip this in the bud, completing each task quickly and efficiently. However, the way Natasha describes it seems like it might be more than standard concern — the mention of “any way possible” almost seems like a fear response, a well-hidden panic that Sampo covers up by doing things so quickly you can’t even tell.

The last line, “The longer you leave a favor, the harder it is to calculate its value,” is very… ominous. Open-ended, like the favors themselves. There’s an implication that Sampo has a reason to be wary of favors, perhaps stemming from something that happened in his own life. Out of every character, Natasha seems to see the core of Sampo the best; why he does things, what he avoids, what he’s possibly afraid of. It isn’t centered around “don’t trust him” or “he’s a con-man,” but around a more grounded view of his likes and dislikes. I feel Natasha’s approach is the most holistic — taking into account a past even she may not know in order to understand why and how Sampo does what he does.

Additionally, her team line, “I’ve got my eye on you,” is much more dual-sided than other characters. Rather than the naïveté of Hook or the smug nature of Sparkle’s teasing, Natasha is stern yet kind, a hallmark of her character. In a single sentence, she shows that she’s ready to make sure Sampo doesn’t cause any trouble while also making it clear she won’t let harm come to him. “I’ve got my eye on you” isn’t just Don’t try anything funny or Watch it, I know what you’re up to, but I’m here to help and We’re in this together and I’ve got you.

There’s certainly something to be said for the careful gaze of a trusted figure — the support of someone who isn’t willing to fully enable or fully disable, but rather use their own judgment to help find what’s best for everyone involved. It may not be a luxury Sampo has had before. The isolated “highness” of Aeonhood is lonely; if you look out for everyone, who looks out for you? The strange purgatory of Emanator status is disorienting; who will ever trust you enough to tell you the truth, who will ever bring you back down to Earth? And the objectification of a doll is surely no place for care or compassion, for who would extend a watchful eye to a mere toy other than to make sure it performs its function?

Simply put, Natasha’s balance of stern realism and genuine compassion is something I think Sampo needs, despite whatever intricacies his backstory may hold. Based on her voicelines, I think she may see this too (even though she likely doesn’t know much about his personal life). There must be something within him that sparks at the doctor in her — the trained empathy and care she extends to everyone, the way she’s learned to pick up on things when they’re off. And whatever she sees, it’s something she can’t just do nothing about.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ SEELE ⌝

Seele, true to her character, is wary of Sampo despite understanding his uses. As a resistance fighter, she’s likely had her fair share of tough situations, having to choose options that may have major drawbacks or caveats for the sake of the cause. However, the years of experience she’s gained from this have allowed her to be incredibly discerning, understanding Sampo’s dual nature as something that can be both helpful and harmful.

She seems to have arrived at a happy medium: deal with him when there is something important only he can do, but nothing beyond that. No friendship beyond work, no extended contact beyond what’s necessary. She doesn’t say why exactly it’s bad to befriend him, but her confidence makes one thing clear — just don’t.

This matches up with the idea Sampo has of Seele as someone who is tough on him, likely because she denies every attempt at friendship and keeps him at arms’ length. She’s a very serious individual, so there’s no doubt she wouldn’t hesitate to deal with him (and not in the way he wants) if need be.

However, there does seem to be a sort of casualness that comes from these remarks. Despite not trusting him, there’s still a sense of familiarity, of yeah, he’s a con-man who you shouldn’t be friends with, but he’s still one of us. It’s a begrudging allyship, one that doesn’t negate the drawbacks of having him around, but also doesn’t downplay the bond he has with Underworlders. It almost seems like a sibling-like relationship to me, the kind where Seele will be standoffish and smack some sense into him if needed, but if anyone else threatens him it’s game over for whoever did it. “I can bully him but you can’t” vibes.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ HOOK ⌝

Hook is probably the only character who actually trusts Sampo, even if it is only because she’s incredibly adventurous. Despite being more discerning than the average kid her age due to growing up around Wildfire and the Moles, she lacks the experience to truly understand when Sampo is being suspicious or trying to get something he wants — to her, if he can give her an exciting adventure, there’s no reason to be weary. We can see this clearly when she asks, “Does he like expeditions too?” in response to remarking how she sees him everywhere. Anyone else in the Underworld would be rightly suspicious, questioning why and how he shows up everywhere that’s convenient for him; however, Hook simply chalks this up to shared enthusiasm. She loves expeditions, so why wouldn’t he? Therefore, his convenient timing must be because he likes adventures and not because he has ulterior motives for his actions.

Additionally, she shows unrestrained trust when being added to a team with him. (Side note: She directly calls him “Mr. Blue Hair,” which carries through the emphasis of his character on the color blue and specifically blue hair, linking him to the “blue-haired being” in Curio Hacker!) She asks “Where are we going this time?” without hesitation, without distrust, fully expecting him to lead her on a new and exciting adventure. This is extremely different from what we’ve come to expect — for the first time, we have someone who actually trusts Sampo.

While it may be easy to view this entirely as a poor decision on Hook’s part (and it is certainly influenced by her young age), I think there may be a deeper meaning. Children, despite often being overly trusting, also have a penchant for bluntly seeing to the truth of things; they are often more perceptive than adults give them credit for. In this case, I believe it to be a mix. Hook is clearly being too trusting of Sampo, but there also may be something she sees that we don’t.

When we take away the exterior, all of the facades and personas and scams, I truly believe that Sampo would never hurt Hook — in fact, I believe he’d protect her to the best of his ability. He indulges in her whims, he helps her solve problems, and he generally tries to keep her away from the “dangerous” side of things. Much like Belobog in general and the Trailblazer on Penacony, Sampo has a penchant for protection. I believe that, despite her naïveté, Hook can sense this too. She may not know enough to know she should be at least somewhat wary of him, but she does know that he’ll keep her safe. And so, there’s no hesitation. In her mind, he’s a trusted adult — and from what we’ve seen so far, he lives up to that title (even if it’s solely in the context of Hook, and even if it’s in a somewhat roundabout way).

For Sampo, I think this kind of trust is sorely needed. Any tier of Elation!Sampo would likely be accustomed to wary glances, tight smiles, scrutinizing eyes always trying to figure out what he’s up to. It’s partially his fault, of course, for being so double-sided, but it’s still bound to wear on him. Especially if the Elation is of a more compulsory nature, the kind of pure, unhesitating trust that comes from Hook is likely a breath of fresh air. For once, he’s met with someone he can just be around.

He’s also faced with the terrifying realization that he cares. That he’s facing the near-impossible thought of being a good person. That he wouldn’t dream of doing anything to betray Hook, and that sentiment runs contrary to his very nature.

Overall, very wholesome, 10/10, no notes.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ LUKA ⌝

Luka, like Seele and Natasha, is also very discerning. To him, he thinks Sampo’s moniker is inherently untrustworthy, and has likely had to deal with his own fair share of aspiring “middlemen” who want to make money. As a result, he’s made up his mind — and it’s not to let Sampo work with him. (Once again, “blue” is used as a defining color for Sampo’s identity, making the “blue-haired being” even more apparent in hindsight.) I do wish we got a little more from Luka’s line, as I’d like to know more of his personal feelings towards Sampo — i.e. if he finds him confusing or intriguing or just plain annoying — but what we do have still serves as a way to highlight Sampo’s reputation among even those who aren’t as familiar with him. Despite only knowing Sampo by his tagline and attempt to become a middleman, Luka surprisingly hits the nail on the head. Not only is he able to stand firm on business, he’s able to clock Sampo’s deception from a mile away. Unfortunately for Mr. Sampo Koski, it seems he’ll have to find another target to make money off of.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ GEPARD ⌝

Gepard mostly knows Sampo through his work as a Guard. Beyond chasing Sampo (as Sampo mentions in his voicelines), he gets his information from cases and citizens, therefore it’s understandable that his main focus is on what Sampo does rather than who he is. While everyone in the Underworld is focused on his personality and untrustworthy nature (with the exception of Hook and somewhat Natasha), the Overworld is more detached, neutral. To Gepard, Sampo is a criminal who sells relics and commits fraud.

Obviously there would be a bit of frustration that comes from constantly being evaded by the criminal you’re supposed to be catching, as well as the conveniently-timed pause before Gepard says “cunning” (what else were you thinking of saying, Geppie? 👀), but overall, Gepard doesn’t know Sampo that well. He really can’t since I’m sure there’s not much time to talk beyond “Stop!” and “Hehe :3” when running into (and away from) each other. However, he still has a dedicated voiceline about Sampo, which shows there’s at least enough of a relationship to warrant speaking about him.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ SERVAL ⌝

With the knowledge that Sampo used to be friends with Serval before Gepard soured things (likely with objective facts), this line is kinda funny to me. Serval, as always, is calm, cool, and collected, but now I see it as less of a “this random guy is totally gonna get screwed over lol” moment and more of a “godspeed my dude, but I don’t think you’re gonna make it” moment. This line reads a bit reminiscent, like “that guy” is her recalling the past times they’ve run into one another. Even though we don’t know the specifics of the “friendship” Sampo mentioned, I wouldn’t put it past Serval to be friendly or hang out with him if she wanted. However, she still comes back to believe in her brother — even if her and Sampo are chill, she feels like Gepard catching him is only inevitable.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ LYNX ⌝

Like Gepard, Lynx isn’t very acquainted with Sampo, only knowing him as the criminal Gepard is trying to find. However, it’s hilarious to think about Sampo moonlighting as a cryptid in the Snow Plains, perhaps even unwillingly being thought of as the “Belobog Caveman” when he’s just trying to do his (albeit sneaky and suspicious) job. Alternatively, I wouldn’t put it past Elation!Sampo to get bored every so often and start rumors about himself, if only to see the sheer chaos that unfolds surrounding the myth of the Belobog Caveman. He probably gets a kick out of those conspiracy theory message boards that are bound to pop up every time something like this happens. What’s even funnier is that this may be the “true” Elation — not the hedonism the Masked Fools encourage, but rather the small, somewhat innocuous and even confusing circumstances that take place in the remote corners of the universe. The Elation needs variety, baby, and Belobog is just that.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ SPARKLE ⌝

I’ve saved the best for last — Sparkle. In terms of Sampo theories, she’s really carrying the bulk of implication and interpretation. Her first sentence holds up with other characters’ understandings of him (albeit approaching it from a different viewpoint), seeing him as both chaotic/double-sided (entertaining) and reliable.

However, the main thing I want to talk about is her next line: “The only thing with this guy is… he’s got a line he won’t cross… having limitations always kills the vibe!” This lines up with his conversation with Sparkle in Penacony, how his idea of Elation differs so greatly from hers that it’s something he “can’t stand by.” Sampo, after all, believes in the dignity of humankind, not the unrestrained chaos Sparkle’s worldview has to offer. Normally, I’d leave it there; it seems pretty clear that Sampo would have reservations about the antics of certain Masked Fools, reservations that could even fit with Elation!Sampo theories if we take into account differing consciousness and the stereotyping mortals often put on higher beings. However, I feel there is more to be gleaned.

There are two words I want to point out — “won’t” and “limitations.” Since we don’t have much more information, there’s no sure way to know if Sparkle is presenting an objective understanding of Sampo’s character or if she is simply seeing the outward appearance of something deeper and interpreting it according to her worldview.

First is “won’t.” While there is a good chance Sampo’s own will and wants cause him to set hard boundaries around Masked Fools and “jokes” — likely having to do with the “heavy jokes” he feels “no longer become funny” when taken too far, perhaps even something tragic that occurred in his past — there is also the possibility that what Sparkle perceives as a “won’t” is actually a “can’t.” There could even be a combination of the two.

In terms of “won’t” versus “can’t,” Sparkle as an unrestrained follower of Elation may not be able to truly perceive the “restrictions” higher beings face, instead interpreting them as willing boundaries instead of strict limitations by nature of existence. She doesn’t call Sampo’s lack of action a “boundary” or a “refusal,” but rather a limitation. Limitations are much more restrained than boundaries, and while they can be self-imposed, they can also be imposed by other beings, laws, or states of existence.

Here is what I posit: the “limitations” Sampo “won’t” cross may, in fact, be the “Primum Mobile.” It may seem like a bit of a stretch, and I do admit that it seems more likely that Sampo’s lines have more to do with his genuine feelings than a compulsory rule, but I can’t ignore the fact that “limitations” are the entire point of the “Primum Mobile.” Aeons, and potentially other higher beings by osmosis, cannot stray from Their Path — to do so would run contrary to Their entire existence. As such, They have certain “restrictions” They are bound to by virtue of existing, ones that may easily look like willing boundaries to others who don’t know of Their origins. It is entirely possible that Sparkle’s idea of Elation in some way reaches too far beyond the scope of Aha’s Path, leading Sampo (either Aeon or otherwise) to literally not be able to follow her in what she does. The Masked Fools are among the most fanatical of the Elation’s followers, so perhaps they’ve simply flown too close to the sun, begun to reach and dip into areas not a part of the Elation while trying to convince themselves they still serve the Laughter (much like the Order and Harmony on Penacony could be easily misinterpreted for each other from the outside looking in).

It is also possible that whatever mortal form Sampo has taken has its own set of restrictions beyond the Primum Mobile — even if Aha or an Emanator would be able to endorse Sparkle’s view of Elation, whatever “price” Sampo is paying for this form does not allow him to do such things.

Or perhaps it comes from another place entirely — Doll!Sampo would likely be horrified at what Sparkle does, knowing what it’s like to be toyed with and used by the Elation. He would want to stay away from her “jokes that go too far” as often as possible, determined to never make others suffer the same fate as him. There’s even the chance that Sampo, as a splinter or refracted consciousness of Aha, has his own feelings and boundaries different from the main Aeon.

Whatever the case, he does not want to put up with Sparkle, and Sparkle clearly sees this as a let-down.

Lastly is her team line, a not-so-subtle dig at Sampo’s status as a Masked Fool. However, she puts “Fool” in quotation marks. While she may just be adding an additional reference to the title of a Masked Fool, it also feels like a personal observation. That, maybe beyond his status as a Masked Fool, she knows something that places Sampo as a “Fool” in her mind, perhaps a decision or discovery that she feels to be foolish. It’s possible that a Sampo of Aeonic or Emanator status put Themself in a position where Their power was significantly reduced or passed along, finding Themselves “duped” of Their own free will. But that’s just speculation.

Overall, most characters seem to have a similar view of Sampo: dual-sided. Like a snake, he can help and he can hurt, be candid one moment and deceptive the next. Only Hook seems to fully trust him, only Natasha seems to be committed to looking out for him, and only Sparkle has the ability to be a master troll and constantly hold his status over his head. Suffice to say, his own relationships experience a double nature. (Although I do hope he gets some more nice ones soon!)

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.𖥔 ݁ ˖ જ⁀➴ thank you for reading to the end!

(& thank you to my irl bestie for helping me procure the original video for this even though i don’t have tiktok anymore!)

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#⌞ ✎ sunder.writes ⌝#⌞ ✧ super.nova ⌝#⌞ 🎭 ⌝#hsr #honkai star rail #honkai: star rail #sampo #sampo koski #sampo hsr #hsr sampo #sampo honkai star rail #analysis #hsr analysis

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loquatenjoyer69 · 7 months ago

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Matoba and Burden and Desire

I originally watched/read Natsuyuu back in fall of 2022, and then a few months ago, literally out of nowhere, my brain was like “Hey, remember that loquat story Matoba told in that one arc? It felt like there was something there, let’s go reread that,” which I did, and have been in hexorcists hell about ever since.

(pictured: a sane person’s reaction to reading natsuyuu)

And really, that’s it. The loquat story feels like there’s something there, but I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. But after my close rereading of that arc, I think I’ve at least come to one coherent conclusion about it, even if it’s perhaps the most basic one: I think the loquats are an allegory for the greater themes of burden/desire in this arc. The following is my attempt to lay out my thoughts, but unfortunately I have never been known for my conciseness or my ability to organize my thoughts, so be forewarned. This will be rambly and include a few tangents/too much detail.

The story of the Miharu family is a story of a family that was once respected, had a relationship/contract with powerful ayakashi, and eventually fell into ruin, leaving behind their contracts. The ayakashi, the mihashira, still come to uphold their part of the agreement without fail, but the family is gone. So who comes in their place to maintain the contract? The Matobas, and in the present day, the current head of the Matoba clan is Matoba Seiji. In order to maintain this deal with a group of powerful youkai, which neither he nor his family actually made, Matoba has to come and perform the welcoming ritual to avoid incurring the wrath of the mihashira.

Matoba is a character marked by burden, I think. Though he is the head of the most powerful exorcist clan, and therefore one might expect that he can pretty much do what he wants, I don’t actually think he has much personal freedom. The only son of the main family, he was probably marked as the heir from birth (if not, he would have had to be once his sister left but I still need to read 120+ so I don’t know exactly what the deal with her is). The clan’s interests are his interests. He can’t do anything that might hurt the reputation of or endanger the clan, and he is obligated to do things that benefit the clan. Matoba is Matoba.

In chapter 25, in his debut arc, he tells Natsume 「使えるものは使わないと。人を守る為に、強い妖が欲しいと思っているだけですよ。その為には恨まれたり代償を払うことを気にしていたら、この家業はやっていけませんしね」

"One should make use of useful things. I just want ayakashi in order to protect people. If I was worried about being hated or suffering consequences, I could not carry on the family business,"

(this is actually one of those annoying instances of a Japanese sentence that’s more dense than would sound good in English. Matoba seems to be explaining his personal worldview/thoughts here with 思っている even though in English you’d never say “I just feel like/think I want strong ayakashi…” He’s explaining that this is the way he thinks, I think lol).

Matoba doesn’t get the privilege of having a good reputation among humans or ayakashi, since we learn in special chapter 17 that no good ayakashi will make deals with the Matobas because of their famous broken promise. Matoba Seiji not only inherits the burden of monthly eye-stealing visits, he also can’t make contracts with ayakashi and takes on all the distrust that’s built up over generations from both humans and ayakashi.

And now Matoba is taking on the debts of a dead branch family to avoid possibly endangering his own.

In the locked room, when Matoba is goading Natori into breaking them out, he says 「どうです？あなたには解くことができますか名取。無理ならばすべて私が片付けてさしあげましょうか？」

"Well, can you do it, Natori? If you can’t, shall I take care of everything for you?"

I’m unsure how much of this is Matoba teasing Natori (as he seems to like doing in the Homura arc) about how he’s not as powerful/skilled as Matoba, and how much is him simply making an offer because he’s Matoba and he’s The One Who Takes Care Of Everything. I think either way, there is at least a good amount of the latter going on here.

In special chapter 17, Matoba shows up at Natori’s house and helps him exorcise the ayakashi that’s been haunting him. After Natori wakes up, he tries to offer to help Matoba in some way. I think he felt uncomfortable being the only one being helped, and wanted to find something he could offer Matoba, even though Matoba seems to have everything he needs. Natori offers to listen to his problems, and Matoba smiles (of course) and says he’s fine. Even teenage Matoba is like “You’re not the one who helps me, I’m the one who helps you.” Though this chapter is from Natori’s perspective, so Natori believes Matoba was just using him to get an ayakashi, I’m not sure that’s true. I don’t know for sure what Matoba’s motives were, but I don’t believe teenage Natori is an unbiased observer of him lol.

Now that we’ve laid all that out, let’s talk briefly about the Miharus, a once respected family who made a deal with ayakashi they didn’t understand, and fell into ruin. According to the ayakashi who wants to sabotage the ritual, there was a member of the Miharu family called Masakiyo. Masakiyo was stern for the most part, but there was someone he loved. However, he couldn’t be with that person because he couldn’t make them shoulder the burdens of his family business, but neither could he simply abandon his family. He had to stay with his family and let this person go. This was the only time this ayakashi saw Masakiyo cry. Then we get this panel:

(pictured: bench of I Hate My Life, credit to @joelletwo for that lol)

In his despair, Masakiyo wished there was no Miharu family. The ayakashi, feeling indebted to Masakiyo for letting it go during an exorcism, overhears him and decides that destroying the Miharu family will bring Masakiyo happiness. This is an unintended contract between the two of them. Masakiyo unwittingly causes an ayakashi to spend years (decades?) trying in vain to destroy his family in order to repay a perceived debt. This isn’t Masakiyo’s fault, really, it was just an unfortunate misunderstanding. The ayakashi didn’t understand that Masakiyo wanted it to be free and live the life he couldn’t. “You were almost exorcised because of human circumstances. You were saved on the whim of a human. What debt? You are free. Go wherever you want. Live however you want.”

After all the mihashira business is wrapped up, Matoba thanks Natori for his help, Natori says he probably couldn’t have gotten out of the room without Matoba, and Matoba laughs and says “Then we’re even this time.” Neither one is indebted to the other this time…they’re even. Then Natori says The Line:

「何かを継ぎ背負っていく…その真の重みは私などにははかり知れません。でも今はこう思うようにもなりました。重いものもひとりでなければと…」

"I don’t know the true weight of shouldering a burden you’ve inherited, but now I’ve come to think that even heavy things can be carried if you’re not alone,"

(this is another one of the aforementioned Dense Japanese Sentences, and I really prefer the fan TL version of this line but I’m translating it this way to try to convey all the stuff he’s saying). Natori once again reaches out to Matoba, trying to offer him maybe the only thing he can: support, listening to his problems, shouldering his burdens. This time, though, we don’t get a Matoba Smile and “I’m fine,” we get this:

(pictured: Matoba on the bench of I Hate My Life, or “Matoba Cow Beach” as I refer to this image in my head)

What is Matoba thinking here? I really don’t know. If I draw the obvious parallel with Masakiyo, I guess he’s contemplating his two…selves, as it were. His duty to his family vs his personal desire for companionship. And I do think Matoba wants companionship. I read his behavior in special chapter 15 as genuinely wanting to be friends with Natori. I think he was excited that there was someone else his age who was relatively powerful, and who wasn’t concerned with all the Matoba stuff. Hence his insistence on Natori calling him Seiji. He wanted to be close to Natori.

And finally, we can come back to the loquats. Natsume hears Matoba mocking the mihashira for continuing to protect the Miharu house even after the family has all died out, and thinks perhaps Matoba is envious of ayakashi who go to such great lengths to keep promises.

"Matoba-san, who keeps breaking promises, and doesn’t have anyone to make new ones with."

Matoba wonders how the welcoming ritual will go next time, but decides he won’t worry since he probably won’t even be the head of the clan at that time. Natsume offers him a loquat, saying cheer up, and Matoba does his Thing, saying “How odd, do I look upset?” and then tells The Story.

When Matoba was a teenager, he really wanted to try the loquats from Yorishima’s yard. One day, he was there with Natori, and Yorishima gave them both one. The loquat was delicious and sweet; Matoba felt that his “desire had been fulfilled,” but Natori got a sour one, and Matoba felt like Yorishima-san had wanted to give a loquat to Natori, and only given one to Matoba because he was there, so he thought “Ah there’s no winning even in such a small thing as this.” Matoba gets what he wants, but it wasn’t meant for him, and the one it was meant for is worse off, so did he really win? He was the only one who got to enjoy the delicious loquat. These are the unintended consequences, the burdens if you will, of desire.

Natsume speculates that the agreement with the mihashira began when someone had the wish to protect the Miharu family, and there was an ayakashi who happened to be there, much like the situation with Masakiyo and the sabotaging ayakashi. A simple and innocent wish accidentally creates a generations-long burden that Matoba eventually has to shoulder.

I think Matoba must be painfully aware of his power and influence, and that even his smallest actions could cause unintended consequences. I wonder if he sees the Miharu family as a warning of what could happen to his own family if he slips up… And it wasn’t just a mistake on the part of the Miharus, but a failure of the Matoba clan head of that time, whose responsibility it was to look out for the branch families. Matoba Seiji is not just responsible for the success of his own family, but protecting the branch families, and of course non-exorcists as well. I imagine he feels like he doesn’t have the time or room to act on any of his own personal desires, and his little loquat anecdote is evidence of that, to me. It’s bittersweet (lol). And Natori’s takeaway, meanwhile, is more casual as you might expect. When Natsume asks him if he likes loquats, he says he’s not sure because his first one wasn’t very good. To Natori, a loquat is something he might try again and like. To Matoba, it’s a reminder of what he can and can’t have.

#natsume yuujinchou #matoba seiji #really sorry this is so long and i'm sure i could cut it down. i am bad at that.#i hope i ended up saying something though lol #i want to try to write more thoughts about other stuff #hopefully if i do it more I'll get better #my meta

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fe-fictions · 1 year ago

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Dimitri with a pregnant Byleth who's feeling super clingy 🥺 like, notices as soon as he gets up from bed, wants to cuddle with him even when they're seated for dinner, always clinging onto his arm when they walk 🥰 she just love husband...

(This was such a cute one!! I had to write it as quick as possible ;;;)

He was starting to notice a strange pattern in the days since you announced your pregnancy. You were still as quiet, calm and reserved as ever, but something notable had changed.

You did not seem capable of leaving his side.

Dimtri would wake up before dawn, always careful not to rouse you since your day would always start a little later than his. But even in his stealthy attempts to ease from the bed, your arms would wrap around his waist and prevent him from moving any further.

“Must you go so early…?” You mumbled into his nightshirt, nuzzling into his back. Dimitri blushed, startled by the sudden onslaught of affection so early in the morning. But he nodded and smiled softly, covering your hands with his.

“I wish I could stay with you, Beloved. But I cannot; I must maintain my strict schedule, at least for today.”

“Can you alter it later so that you can spend a little more time with me?”

“Do you feel I spend an inadequate amount of time with you?” He paused, turning to look back at you when you slowly slipped away.

Your expression was unreadable, but if he didn’t know any better…there was a pout on you rlips.

“I…just want to spend more time with you.” You managed to mumble,. It took all of Dimitri’s will not to give in and stay right then and there.

“I shall make the neessary arrangements so that we can have more time togehter, than apart. I know we both have unforgiving schedules, but given the current circumstance, I’m sure we can convince our handlers to be a little generous.”

“I would like that,” You smiled up at him, taking Dimitri’s hands into yours. “Will you come back once you finish training?”

“I shall return just as you awaken, again.” He promised, “So please, rest easy. Your body needs it.” He kissed you then, soft and swe. He couldn’t help it; you were positively adorablke!

But sure enough, the cuteness wouldn’t end there.

No, ever since the pregnancy rstarted to become more and more visible, you were spending more and more time with him.

If Dimitri had a meeting, you were present. If he needed to be somewhere for some inane thing in the village, you would acaccompany despite Seteth’s many protests.

In the mess hall, your hand was squeezing his tightly below the table; and on your walks in the gardens and hte courtyard o the monastery, you were resting your head on his arm, your own wrapped tight around his bicep.

It seemed impossible for you to detach from your husband.

Dimitri wasn’t the only one who noticed, of course; the other Lions had started to see it, too. Sylvain was the first one brave enough to mention it, once the king escorted the Bishop-Queen from their counsel meeting for some much-needed bed rest.

“Soo…the Professor seems to be in a strange mood, lately.”

“Well, she’s starting to really show now, isn’t she? It must be the pregnancy that’s affecting her behavior.” Annette figured, watching as the happy couple continued on their diwb tge cirridor. ‘I know tha tpregnancy hormones can have a big impact on having a child. Maybe Byleth becoming more adorable is part of that!”

“Don’t you think it’s a little weird? I don’t think I’ve seen them so much as hold hands in the last two years.” Sylvain insisted. Mercedes simply shrugged, a warm smile on her lips.

“It might be any number of things. Pregnancy hormones have a notable impact on the body and mind; not to mention that she may feel insecure undergoing susch a serious life change. Can you imagine what it must feel like, to go from being an independent mercenary to the queen of a country, and archbishop of a continent. An dnow, she’s an expecting mother, too?”

“Well, when you put it like that…” Sylvain sighed, “No wonder she’s feeling a little clingy.”

“You’re just jealous she’s not snuggling with you.” Ingrid rolled her eyes, “Now enough chittering about the Professor. The least we can do is afford them some grace and respect while they navigate this….new dynamic.”

“So considerate of you, Ingrid,” Annette giggled, garnering a soft blush from the knight.

I the maentime, Dimitri was practically floating in the air, his arm was linked with yours, your head rested on his shoulder, and you were enjoying the sights and sounds of the monastery courtyard in the blissful glow of sunset.

It was like a dream.

“How are you feeling, BeloveD?” He asked in that gentle, warm voice that made you feel soft and safe.

You nodded, resting a hand on your baby bump.

“I feel a little bit hungry, but…I don’t want to move from this spot for a while. It’s beautiful.”

“Shall I go and fetch you something from the mess hall? You needn’t lt yourself be hungry just to satisfy stay in my company. I’d rather you feel full than otherwise while you’re still going through changes.”

“I’m only a little hungry.” You insisted, “Nothing to worry over. I just want to stay with you a while…then we can go eat.”

“Very well. If that is what you wish.” He kissed the top of your head, prompting you to snuggle closer to him. The slight chill in the air nipped at your noses. He draped his cape over your shoulders, drawing you into him as much as possible.

“Please tell me if it’s too cold. We will go inside right away.”

“And risk losing thi stime together? Not a chance.” You shoook your head, “If we go back inside, someone will snatch hyou away for some important thing. I want to stay here as long as possible.”

“You know…I can order them away if they’re truly too demanding of my time, dearest.” Dimitri offered, but you shook your head.

“No…because then it’d seem like you’re shirking your duties. Social convention is so exhausting.” You huffed, making him chuckle.

“Is that why you’ve been staying so close? To try and balance the expectation of being a prominent figure with wanting to be with me?”

“Perhaps. I just…miss you. I wish we could spend time like this together, always. Especially with the baby on the way.” you added, looking down at your belly.

Dimitri looked at you fully, finding the slightest pout on your lips.

“My love?”

“I just…I just want to be a husband and wife for a moment. A little family; no titles or expectations or…anybody else. Just us. Is that selfish?”

“I suppose when you consider our positions, it’s difficult to be selfish. I do not fault you for wishing to be a little indulgent right now.”

You sighed heavily, “It’s going to get worse once the baby is here. We’ll have to divide our time even further, betwen our duties, each other, and the child.”

“We will make time.” He assured you, tightening the cape around you when another chill blew through the garden.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to raise the baby without being present. My father was always there…I feel it would be wrong not to do the same for my child.”

“It will be a challenge.” He murmured, “And I worry I may not be as capable a parent as your father was. But it is a challenge we will face together…which I believe we will be able to overcome.”

“Really?” You looked up at him so hopefully, it made his heart skip a beat. He beamed at you, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“Of course. I will have to convince some royal council members, and I’m sure the Prime Minister will have some thoughts on the matter.” Dimitri thought aloud, already anticipating Seteth’s displeasure at the thought of the Archbishop spending less time doing her duties.

“So long as we can spend as much time as possible with them…that’s what I want. I want to be with you.”

His gaze softened at your quiet confession. You were so terribly lovely. How he was able to find his way into your heart would forever elude him.

He cupped your face tenderly, unabel to resist kissing you fully and sweetly.

“I wish to spend every second with you as well, Beloved. And once our child is born, I will feel the very same about them.”

“I’m glad.” You smiled, squeezing his hands when they fell from your cheeks. “Until then, will you…keep indulging me?”

He laughed, drawing you back into his warm embrace.

“I shall not leave your side until you cannot stand me any longer! I promise.”

The two of you remained in the courtyard a while longer, wrapped in each other’s arms and relishing the soft moment as a precious memory.

At least until your stomach growled…then Dimitri gladly escorted you to the mess hall (where you held hands the entire time, much to the chagrin of Felix, who had to sit next to you).

#byleth #dimitri #fe3h #fe three houses #fe 16 #fire emblem three houses #dimileth #dimitri x byleth #fe fictions #fe-fictions #f!byleth #fem!byleth #f!mu #fluff #pregnancy fluff #needy byleth is just so adorable ok #she just needs to be protected at all times #which dima will do without hesitation

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