loquatenjoyer69

[loquatenjoyer69]

characters going “we were lovers once”: eh, it’s okay i guess. it’s nice enough

characters going “we were friends once”: absolutely devastating. one hit knockout i’m gone

[loquatenjoyer69]

*kicks the door open like i hadn't been gone for months*

No but actually. I wonder how Natori acted around his little lizard problem with Matoba. I doubt Matoba would pry, though he might've possibly thought Natori just got himself cursed, like in the Tomita case.

Did Natori freak out after Matoba carried him home, because it means - oh horror! - that someone touched him?

Matoba might grab his hand to have a closer look though, and Natori (assuming he started to give somewhat more of a shit about Matoba after the Tomita incident) would be like "Nooo don't it might transfer to you what if it's a CURSE" in a way that would, to someone as shrewd as Matoba, immediately sound like "don't touch me I'm CURSED and that makes me UNCLEAN and DANGEROUS". And Matoba, with his generational curse, internally would be like "Hold my umbrella"

[loquatenjoyer69]

sometimes one finds interesting things 👀

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Ironic, isn't it? When I was a child, my mother used to take me from place to place trying to save me. I never knew there was such a perfect curse. But I don't need it now. I've already chosen my path. I'm not going to get off it.

[loquatenjoyer69]

a messy & haphazard horrible exorcists webweaving

(quotes by: mhairi mcfarlane / fyodor dostoevsky / henry miller / frank o'hara / hera lindsay bird / jasmine gibson / mary oliver)

[loquatenjoyer69]

NEED all of you to see this gorgeous two parter natomato animatics

part 1 / part 2

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from A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller (1932-1953)

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this valentines day DIVORCE someone 💗 cut ties with someone CLOSE to you

[loquatenjoyer69]

took a look at the raws for older volumes for fun and discovered that natori, in fact, did not say matoba's name in ch 104 and only said "please give up on it" (officially translated as "matoba, let it go") why would they do this to meeeeeee they made me think that for a moment natori dropped the honorifics/pretense of politeness between them bc he's both annoyed at & worried for matoba.

[loquatenjoyer69]

just saw this one in the main tag and it got me thinking... "wanting to do the right thing but having your actions distort your goals" is obviously about natori, he even reflects upon it directly more than once during the chapters BUT even tho world unbent is from natori's pov, i always thought it wasn't just about him but also about matoba and the exorcist world. for me it was clear that midorikawa wanted to expand upon the exorcists and thought natsume's pov wouldn't have been enough for this case (i also think she always wanted to expand upon natori's and matoba's younger days as well)

so with that in mind i tried thinking if that could apply to matoba too and it might be a stretch but i think it does, but in the sense that "the right thing" for matoba and natori are two different things and matoba might not even think abt doing it along those lines

like, from what we've seen, i interpret that matoba genuinely thinks the matoba clan has a responsibility to protect ppl, regardless if they can see yokai or not and he takes that very seriously, most recent example being what he said abt a previous matoba head being unable to protect the miharu; also to achieve this the clan must be powerful above all others and for that he needs to do anything and if he has a limit we haven't seen it yet. we see that during world unbent ("i won't let us fall"), but most recently during homura arc when he was willing to bet his own life just to be able to control a powerful vessel (being shortsighted enough abt the possibility that natsume had to snap him out of it), he's power hungry, but weirdly enough he's like that because it's "the right thing to do" or what he must/needs to do, the matoba must be powerful to be able to protect anyone and anything ("you can't protect anything if you're not powerful, shuuichi-san")

so "having your actions distort your goals", how does that apply to matoba in a world unbent? midorikawa was merciful enough to let us know his initial goal (or what he wants ppl to think his goal is?): "i'm looking for allies i can use" and at first he was definitely testing if natori could be that, but by the second part (that tellingly starts with a companion matoba artwork to natori's in the first part) i think he wanted to work with natori so badly simply bc he was a peer his age, probably the first and only in the exorcist world and for this interpretation i have no evidence just vibes lol besides this part in midorikawa's afterword from homura arc

anyways, for me this conversation during the second part of world unbent is the best example of matoba's actions distorting his goal:

in my interpretation matoba's goal here was to be picked by natori to be that person, to be his peer, to be the one that teaches him and works with him and "he's better" bc he's more powerful than takuma-san and that's a fact (also idt he wanted to be his "mentor" per se, i think he wanted to be closer than that but that's my bias lol). as i see it, matoba was not trying to bad mouth takuma (and i think natori understood that too), but simply stating what's most important: power, which is ultimately very different from the things that natori puts first, even tho he's also seeking to be a more powerful exorcist

another thing that is also funny about these two understanding but mostly misunderstanding each other is that natori wants to become powerful so he could be needed, so he can protect ppl, "do the right thing", which is the same but also different from the reason why matoba seeks power and the kind of power they seek is also different but the same in one aspect, natori wants spiritual power but also "power" to better himself, to be a better person, while the power matoba seeks is spiritual but also a power that will make the matoba clan unbeatable which can be power over ppl

the way his actions distort his goal here is this: natori focuses on the fact that matoba values spiritual power and the power one can have over another more than someone's character and what natori wishes to learn from ppl like takuma is how to be better as a person so he can carve his own path or at least finally find what his path even is and how to set himself in it. this blinds him to anything else, him and matoba are fundamentally different, end of story. and so from his pov he can not see what matoba is offering which was actually matoba's main goal in this conversation: "I can teach you, I can work with you, I can protect you, I can help you become more powerful, I can protect ppl, so you should stick with me, you sould use me instead of him" and matoba's shocked reaction is proof he was misunderstood and natori's reaction to this conversation was unexpected to him, if my interpretation of what he meant is right or not is up to debate tho

so if natori realises and reflects upon his "actions distorting his goal" does matoba do the same? and that's what intrigues me a lot here, because honestly i don't know, we are not shown that ever. does matoba realise how his actions can hinder his goals? does he care enough to reflect on it? does he care abt how he's perceived? does he care about how natori perceives him specifically? and honeslty the way he gets "worse" abt this in the present timeline (being an unsettling little shit especially towards natsume) makes the interpretation that he doesn't care enough to change and so doesn't reflect upon it seem plausible but when it comes to matoba maybe it's simpler that that:

from afterword for chapters 52-54

he's just like that, he is who he is, the matoba clan head but also matoba seiji and he's not afraid of his mistakes, he'll face them head on even if they distort his goals. most interesting tho, while i do think he's like that partially bc he's a little shit and likes having fun ruffling ppl's feathers, i think it's interesting how there's a possibility of him seeing that habit as a mistake, idk if that interpretation is right but matoba is a character that is difficult to interpret especially bc we dont get his pov, he's a confusing character and the fact we never get into his head makes him even more multifaceted. now that we're getting more into matoba clan drama maybe someday we'll get his pov, but until then ig it souldn't be too hard to think a person notices and reflects upon their mistakes right? well, unless the person is matoba seiji, then i dont know.

there's other things i want to talk abt here, especially the fact that natori wants to be needed and current timeline matoba might actually need him, but does natori know that? you think the "a burden can be shared" bs might be an indication that he does, but i don't think he actually does lol also the fact matoba was seeking someone to use but ended up wanting to be used instead to this day (and is ecstatic abt it during homura, one of the many reasons why he looks like he's having the time of his life during those chapters imo), idk just the fact natori recoils at the wording of "someone to use" but wants to be useful himself and matoba ends up wanting to be used by him so badly it's funny (and also a little sad). just these two always wanting the same thing but mostly not and understanding but mostly misunderstanding each other more than anyone ever could for one another, how they could go together seamlessly but mostly don't yet i dont have the capacity to expand upon those right now, midorikawa gotta give me more so, anyways

[loquatenjoyer69]

I'm going to expand on the mom thing a bit because it's not that long anyway.

(a) Tanuma's priorities are basically 1. Natsume 2. his dad. He has shown zero interest in girls or a girl. (He's very friendly with Taki, but it's not remotely romantic.) Even if he did show an interest that wouldn't really be relevant to Natsume's story, but... zero.

(b) Despite this, Tanuma is a romantic. Nishimura is a "romantic" but mostly in the sense that he's girl crazy and wants to be a really good boyfriend. Tanuma thinks it's romantic to pine for your lost lover or to serve a goddess from afar, her never knowing your loyalty. Tanuma wants the couple in Natori's movie to live happily ever after even though it's a detective story and that's not the point. Tanuma cares about romance. Why? What is the relevance to his character?

(c) We now know that his parents are literally star-crossed lovers separated by forces beyond their ken (lol), and that his father still sends his mother beautiful love letters. This somewhat explains why he's a romantic, but it also strengthens the association. Tanuma has strong role models for romantic love, but the only character that comes remotely close to being a target for his affection is Natsume. Again, what is the purpose?

(d) Given the likelihood that yokai are behind the situation with Tanuma's parents, it seems that at some point Natsume is going to have to get involved, even if that just means telling them what's happening. (I wouldn't be surprised if it's actually the mom who is possessed by a jealous yokai—after all, Tanuma probably got his vulnerability from her.) That's pretty intense.

(e) Natsume's initial reaction to the postcard is kinda... ambiguous, but he's definitely really focused on the concept of a love letter, for some reason. "Even I don't know why I thought [it was a love letter]." lol

(f) The bridge.

(g) Tanuma finally calls Natsume his shinyuu (lit. intimate friend, often used to mean best friend). I've been waiting for that a long time, because it's a pretty big milestone for them. But for it to be in a story heavily centered on romantic love, rather than something more focused on the two of them... Again. Why?

Anyway, Tanatsu canon.

[loquatenjoyer69]

Oh, hey. Maybe this is a good time to post the thing I've been trying to write for… more than a year. It keeps getting too long because I'm basically covering the entire manga, so instead I'm just going to hit the biggest points and let you fill in the gaps yourself.

In Volume 1, Natsume meets Tanuma for the first time. Much of the story revolves around Natsume's inability to tell what is ordinary and what is yokai, a problem he refers to twice as his "unstable world." This weakness is a major running theme, and he shares it with all other powerful characters. It is likely one of the main reasons they choose to live in isolation or in the exorcist/magical world. Focusing on this in the story about meeting Tanuma may have originally been meant to highlight his fear that Tanuma wasn't real, but it's the perfect foundation for his long-term arc.

In the author's note for Taki's storehouse arc (Volume 11), Midorikawa-sensei says this:

自分はおかしいのかもしれないと思っていた田沼にとって、不安定だった世界を肯定してくれる夏目の存在は大きな救いになったのに、自分はたいして夏目の力になれないというのはもう田沼が友人として抱えていかなければならないジレンマかなという気がします。 "For Tanuma who thought there might be something wrong with him, the presence of Natsume who affirmed his world that was unstable is a great relief, but Tanuma can’t really support Natsume himself. This is a dilemma I have a feeling he must be facing by now as a friend."

This "world that was unstable" is a clear reference to Natsume's "unstable world," but cannot actually be the same so it must be a parallel. The simplest possible interpretation is that the ideal solution to Tanuma's "dilemma" would be "affirming" Natsume's "world that was unstable." That is, the ideal conclusion to Tanuma's "dilemma" arc would be to somehow help Natsume navigate the boundaries between the yokai and ordinary world. In this same story, Tanuma is able to sense the location of the demon's leg before Natsume can see it.

In Volume 12's Omibashira arc, Tanuma spends most of the story sensing yokai-related things: Sensei not being Natsume, the bottle, the presence of the monkey oni, the separation of the yokai world itself, and Omibashira. Each of these is accompanied by the same "zawa" sound effect that accompanies Natsume encountering strong yokai energy. Tanuma gets hurt because he doesn't trust his senses, and tries to confirm Omibashira visually.

In Volume 16, Tanuma reveals he always knew Ito-san was not what she claimed to be, and that he had come to believe she was "an ayakashi or something like that" once he learned they were real. The same story reveals that Natsume's presence has stabilized Tanuma and allowed him to grow stronger physically and have fewer headaches and illness. In other words, Natsume's power offsets the negative effects of Tanuma's power.

In Volume 22, Tanuma has a vision while Natsume sleeps peacefully, adding another dimension to his sensitivity. Later he tells Natsume the staircase yokai is not the one he dreamed of because its face was different and it didn't feel "malevolent." As is often the case, Tanuma was dismissive of his vision (ability) until Natsume validated him.

Later in the same volume, we finally get the origin story for the Book of Friends. This implies a major turning point in the manga as a whole.

Tenjou-san, in Volume 23, is the story of the four boys and Homura-sempai's investigation of the eponymous possibly-cursed painting. At one point, Tanuma says this:

夏目の世界はあいまいなものがいっぱいなんだな　おれは…やっぱり時々夏目と同じ世界を見てみたいなと思うけど　見えるものが違うからこそ確認しあえることもあるのかもしれないなって "Your world is full of uncertain things, huh? I… still feel like I want to see the same world as you, sometimes. But I also think sometimes it's because we see differently that we can confirm things with each other."

The context for this is not the painting, but rather Natsume's fear that Homura-sempai could be a yokai—Natsume's "unstable world." Natsume brings this up again at the end, but Tanuma's role remains unresolved. That's because this dialog was never meant to set up the end of Tenjou-san—it's meant to set up the end of his entire arc. Tanuma couldn't help yet because he doesn't accept that he can "judge the authenticity" of magical objects until By Invitation of the Queen in Volume 29. Realizing he can also sense who is human and who is yokai is yet to come. If he can tell the difference, that means his power offsets the negative effects of Natsume's power.

In Intermission Detectives, Volume 24, only Tanuma is able to ignore the unimportant and notice the significant yet tiny details. Nishimura and Kitamoto are preoccupied with the leading lady and what her beauty implies, while Natsume is too distracted by the possibility of a yokai in disguise to think about anything else, arguably too distracted to enjoy the movie. That means every Tanuma story between Tell Me Your Name and Village of the Sleeping Vessels has had a yokai in disguise—or the possibility of one—as a major plot point.

Village of the Sleeping Vessels introduces Tanuma's "light," an ability he has had few opportunities to use. The same story introduces Ban, a character who can somehow judge the authenticity of magical objects. Ban's name literally means "companion."

This is the beginning of the "female collector" storyline, which also has undertones of "growing up." Hence the combination of Reiko (Natsume's foil must grow up before him), Natsume's interest in magic (to be independent of his mentors/protectors), and Sensei's vulnerability as well as his frequent long excursions (to motivate Natsume's independence or reliability). Tanuma is central because he is meant to be Natsume's life-long partner, without whom Natsume cannot have the life he wants.

In an author's note, Midorikawa-sensei describes Tanuma as "surely able to support Natsume, but unable to come." This is a marked shift from the critical tone of most previous Tanuma notes, a shift which is maintained throughout the "female collector" stories. This is also the same "support" from Tanuma's "dilemma."

Like Intermission Detectives, By Invitation of the Queen (Volume 29) juxtaposes Tanuma's high perceptiveness with Natsume's confusion and fear of yokai in disguise. The same story is Natsume's first physical meeting with the "female collector" Shinobu. It is not a coincidence that she meets him at Tanuma's side, or that Tanuma is the "hero" of the story. His strengths will be relevant to the rest of Shinobu's storyline. Natsume is the one who realizes Tanuma has the power to sense what is real or not, and Tanuma himself is initially skeptical. However, his description of the "occult" fakes as "clean or pure" and Ban's dolls "oozing something sinister" suggests that he is sensing spiritual energy. It is also similar to how he described the yokai in the Volume 22.

Portrait of a Girl implies that Tanuma's power is significant through Matoba and Ban. Matoba's curiosity and the constant threat of meeting Tanuma builds tension, and Ban's shock at Tanuma's ability to see the light in the mirror suggests that they share the same rare ability. The ceiling yokai is able to hide from Ban by hiding from the mirror, implying Ban also shares Tanuma's weak sight. At another point, Natsume overhears an exorcist talking about his ability to use "good tools" even with fading (weak) sight. This isn't about Natsume or the regular exorcists, so it must be about Ban and his dolls, Tanuma, or both.

いつも友人の側に行きたい気持ちを抑えて蚊帳の外で待たなければならない田沼がすでに内側にいる状況 [や、一族の中で生きてきた的場さんの身内の事情や術具についてなど、] 描くことができて嬉しかったです。田沼は実際は出来ることは多いのに本人出来ることなんか大して無いと思ってしまうタイプかもしれないと感じました。 "I was happy drawing things like Tanuma, who has always had to wait outside the mosquito net, repressing the desire to go to his friend's side, but is suddenly on the inside […] I have a feeling Tanuma might be the type who thinks there's not much he can do when in reality he can do many things." (Volume 31) [n.b. the "mosquito net" idiom was used in Nitai-sama when Tanuma described being allowed to help "instead of being outside the mosquito net"]

Matoba is almost suicidally obsessed with "tools," his sister (perhaps spitefully) collects them, and Ban is a scout for magical things, so it makes sense during this storyline to focus on Tanuma's own ability to scout. However, there's little to no set-up for this ability in the manga. Even Tenjou-san, which was the perfect opportunity to hint at his ability with the painting, hinted at identifying yokai instead. The coexistence of the "pure" painting with the "pure" humans is not coincidental, but a retroactive hint to future readers that the ability to recognize what is "real" is the same whether the the "real" applies to an object or person.

So while Tanuma's ability to scout "powerful" tools may be important in the short term, it's a mere step toward his true power. The ultimate goal is to reveal that Tanuma's sensitivity to spiritual energy extends to yokai as well, and that he can tell Natsume what is yokai and what is not and even, it seems, what is malevolent and what is not. Through this, he would become irreplaceable, the only person Natsume can trust to give him peace, to affirm his unstable world, and to allow him to be as indifferent to random yokai as Shinobu.

The only thing that works against this is the inconsistency with which Tanuma appears to notice yokai. But this has been addressed through his "ability to judge authenticity." When Natsume first points out that Tanuma knew the box wasn't real, Tanuma initially dismisses his feelings as a "hunch," before going on to talk about how he never had a chance to be exposed to fakes before. He then admits that the "occult" collection felt "clean or pure," but he only noticed because he had Ban's dolls as comparison just before.

Natsume himself describes Tanuma to Natori as "cautious" and "deep thinking." In other words, he is the opposite of impulsive, only acting when he has gathered enough evidence to make a case. Tanuma would have felt things many times without reacting until he had more to go on. Fun fact: when Natsume first brings up Tanuma's power, he actually starts by talking about how he was "spinning in circles" "confusing [human matters] for ayakashi matters" unlike Tanuma who "sees people clearly." Midorikawa-sensei is a troll.

Tenjou-san (yes, again) addresses this gap from a different angle. When Natsume considers telling Nishimura and Kitamoto the truth, Tanuma suggests Natsume still needs the "space to be treated normally" "unlike me, who always worries and asks if there's something there." In other words, Tanuma feels bad about talking about yokai unnecessarily, which means he's not going to mention a feeling he doesn't think is important. This likely goes back to Volume 5, when Natsume admitted to lying about yokai and wanting to keep things "normal" between them. (The original Japanese is an incomplete sentence, but this is what he seemed to be getting at.) This is why, for example, Tanuma says he "didn't want to bother" Natsume when he wasn't sure he was possessed in Volume 8. He's not just unsure of himself—he's actively avoiding potential validation to give Natsume space. This is also probably why he gets more… excitable recently—the more Natsume talks about yokai, the less Tanuma feels the need to hide his interest.

All of this only addresses Tanuma's power and how it solves his dilemma. It is heavily implied that Tanuma's dilemma is at the heart of his sense of inadequacy and, in turn, his "characteristic sense of distance" from Natsume. This suggests that the reveal of the true extent of his power could lead to him being more open and finally closing that gap. But I'm not quite sure of this. Despite Tanuma's feeling of a "wall" between him and Natsume and being "unable to keep up," they're much closer than they used to be. This could mean that it's their closeness that will lead to revealing his power, thereby centering Natsume's emotional development rather than Tanuma's insecurity. And that matters because their emotional bond is at least as important as what their powers mean to each other.

While the hints at Tanuma's power have been comparatively subtle, his emotional support has not. Throughout the manga, Tanuma has helped guide Natsume through his anxiety and emotional trauma. He listens to him talk about his grandmother being an unwed mother with powers like him, confronts him over hiding his true needs, and sees through his lies or silence when others can't. In Volume 13, Tanuma's role in Kitamoto's story implies that he grounds Natsume and allows him to accept attachments to the town and the Fujiwaras. In the Volume 26 notes, Midorikawa even says that Natsume is able to deal with "sorting out his feelings" by spending time with Tanuma without even talking. This emotional connection is particularly evident with the Fujiwaras, whom Tanuma is invested in because of their importance to Natsume. In Volume 20, for example, his conversation with Natsume about the Fujiwaras is clearly framed as something between the two of them, that Taki can only observe.

This Fujiwara theme makes its appearance in Portrait of a Girl when Tanuma gets invested in Morio's relationship with his adoptive parents. These characters are an obvious mirror for Natsume and the Fujiiwaras. At the end of the story, it is also Tanuma who resolves Natsume's feelings of anxiety about why Morio sold off all of his parents' belongings. I had previously thought of Tanuma's emotional support as a kind of parallel to his power, but the mingling of the above with Tanuma's increasing involvement with the exorcist/magic world changed my mind.

Tanuma's emotional support relies on his empathy, understanding of people, and ability to see what others don't. It's not one single thing. When Natsume talks about Tanuma's ability to "see people" he also brings up his "night vision" which is a completely separate ability from all of the above. There is overlap in the abilities he uses to help Natsume with the ordinary world (e.g. Fujiwaras) and the abilities he uses to understand what is yokai and what is ordinary. This is why By Invitation of the Queen is simultaneously about Tanuma's ability to see through people and his ability to sense the "purity" of the box. Tanuma's extraordinary perceptiveness is an entire collection of talents, all of which he can use to see what Natsume can't, to give Natsume inner peace, to allow him to live in the moment instead of constantly looking over his shoulder. But only if he's there—just as Natsume can only offset Tanuma's sensitivity if he's present.

If Natsume is allowed to support Tanuma in the same (or similar) ways, and if Tanuma realizes how powerful he truly is and Natsume allows him to help, then their relationship will be truly balanced. They will be able to support each other in all ways, in all worlds, without worrying about being too much or too little.

This is what makes Tanuma the Sasame to Natsume's Misuzu—without whom Natsume cannot be "fulfilled" even when "surrounded by liveliness." It's what makes him the light in the dark forest, Natsume's guide through the fog that all with sight suffer. Tanuma may need Natsume to live, but Natsume needs Tanuma to live.

[loquatenjoyer69]

i got asked on ao3 recently why i thought matoba and natori are still Like That when it is clear that matoba wants natori to be his side piece and natori would be more than ok w/ that. i wanted to post it here too and also expand more bc i wrote my reply like 4 min before i went to work, and i've just tweeted similar things in bursts that i should probably compile the short answer is: bc their circumstances are stupid, and so are they long answer below the cut

on matoba

as much as i love him having been clingy and annoying and blinking morse code KISS ME to natori when they were teens, i think he was still considerate enough not to do anything about it bc he could see how jumpy natori was. how easy it would have been to lose him w/ the wrong thing said, the wrong thing done. better to just have his companionship in their ambiguity and plausible deniability of just how deeper he would prefer their friendship to be than to have nothing at all. esp for someone already as much of an outsider as matoba seiji - he's the clan heir, so he's getting primed for it; he's a teen, and besides his sister who hates him, natori is the only one around his age; he can see youkai, already a rare thing; and he can see them w/ exceptional power. their imbalance was predetermined when matoba met natori it would have especially been pointless to act upon any feeling when he is the matoba clan head. while as far as i've read the manga i don't recall them saying explicitly a matoba clan head has to be matoba by blood as opposed to marriage/adoption, i think it's an easy conclusion that blood would be prioritized since seiji is a matoba by name. he's probably gonna have to have beget a matoba heir and by blood is easiest, and natori has always been a rival clan, and they're both guys... the classic trope! but it has its place here, since they Are in jpn and on top of it they are in politics, and on top of THAT it's exorcist politics where as mentioned blood is going to matter. i actually think matoba wouldn't give a fuck about liking another guy - they used to be all over that in the yr 1545, why can't He in 20xx. granted he wouldn't be skipping about at pride w/ a rainbow flag over his shoulders; jpn's history w/ homosexuality has been Complex and it would also be in matoba's little proper traditional boy head. i don't know enough about this history to have any further comment on it, just my impression that, in the end, matoba isn't losing sleep over his natori dreams. also he is a spoiled brat. he wants that boy and he will construct intricate rituals to hold his hand and then, when natori inevitably puffs up like a kitten and turns red like his real shoujo maiden heart, matoba can safely say Just kidding! unfortunately for him, the clan/the world/NATORI would give a fuck if he admitted he's not really ever been kidding not even a bit

the pointlessness of having done anything about his baby crush stands when smth does actually pull natori away. which we are patiently waiting to find out: was it 1 singular event, or was it a continuum of realization that their methods of exorcising/youkai views were too incompatible? at any rate, now it's definitely too late to do anything! matoba is suffering not from internalized homophobia but internalized resignation that his life is not his own. duty is a weight and matoba is sisyphus w/ the fuckingfng boulder. the only thing that keeps his path crossing natori's is that the exorcist world is small, they are actually more alike than they think, and that singular incompatibility was not enough to undo all their other compatibilities - and so how much they still care about e/o

on natori

for natori tho, he was so unwanted as a kid that it has really fucked up his feelings forever. and it doesn't help at all that the person he is having even more complex feelings about is MATOBA..... he's hard to read; like is he trying to piss natori off bc he likes to, or is he being flirty? (the answer is both). and why would he be flirty? they are both guys <- bl manga protag natori shuuichi, who unlike matoba is absolutely going thru it, and part of it not just bc matoba is a guy but bc matoba is a rude little princess i mean brat. natori represses what starts to feel a little too intensely to just be friend feelings somewhere he can't reach. this has not worked so well!

just on top of the crush, i think natori would also be grappling w/ if he even feels that way bc he's finally found someone who can see youkai and is around his age. bc god knows him chasing after takuma and yorishima isn't gonna do anything. matoba in shambles that natori likes older men. anyway. on top of That, too, is natori's mopey Everyone hates me and wants to leave me that ultimately haunts all his interactions, esp as a teen. even if matoba can see youkai, he isn't branded by one (except matoba's brand is the eye, the target, that he will have to wear one day, but that he was also born w/. natori just couldn't see it. i digress). matoba has an entire clan around him and natori has no one; matoba cannot possibly understand natori, and vice versa - or so natori thinks. their imbalance was predetermined!!!

their biggest hurdle is ofc their way of exorcising differing from e/o, bc tho they are both men they are first and foremost exorcists. matoba has no qualms about the means taken for the end, doesn't give a shit about youkai being sentient. natori meanwhile is trying to be #nice. matoba would have been fine, delighted really, if the matoba clan took in a woobie still unconfident natori bc it would have meant literally having him at his side, but natori is so prideful and determined to keep being alone - both for pride and his childhood fears - that he does not join the matoba clan. he has to do what he can, how he wants, and do it alone. and when it comes to matoba, he has to be strong, too, and not let himself be affected by how matoba goads him or just generally exists somewhere he can never reach. he loves matoba, but not his methods, but the methods comprise half of who matoba is. there's no getting around that. so natori has to keep the distance between them unless he starts to compromise his beliefs or dust off his repressed feelings. instead he has to wait for matoba to go away before divulging unprovoked to anyone in his vicinity, by which ofc i just mean poor natsume, Btw the way matoba likes cats. And i thought he'd wear a hat when he exorcised bc it's just one extra little safety precaution. And we're not really rival clans not anymore. And and and. then he turns around after his first delicate momence w/ matoba in god knows how long and says directly to him, bearer of the burden and curse, A burden can be shared. ok girl. what am i supposed to make of this. an olive branch offered, a hope for reconciliation and closing the distance he himself is far likelier to have put between them than matoba, who has always known what he wants but has been kept from it by life and natori's own frustrating Standing There emoji self....

and now natori is an actor-model-singer! the only other careers he could have possibly chosen that doomed him to be more cognizant of his relationships than matoba's heirdom. even w/ his burden proposal, he can't do much more than just say gay things to get matoba's and my hopes up. that's a lie, he can also act upon those gay things. and he has! not joining the clan but helping matoba out... remembering things about him... stealing him from his house and they just let him apparently....

but these still aren't the bow-wrapped conclusion they need after w/e happened between them to have the rift to begin w/. they need a bit more of a push. w/ their circumstances, it wouldn't be smart to do more; matoba's clan is still v important to him, and natori still hasn't found his full confidence/sense of self. but they want to. my god they want to

[loquatenjoyer69]

[loquatenjoyer69]

[loquatenjoyer69]

forget star signs or mbti the real personality test is your default spot for drawing natori’s lizard

[loquatenjoyer69]

The burden of the Matoba