loquatenjoyer69

[loquatenjoyer69]

i got asked on ao3 recently why i thought matoba and natori are still Like That when it is clear that matoba wants natori to be his side piece and natori would be more than ok w/ that. i wanted to post it here too and also expand more bc i wrote my reply like 4 min before i went to work, and i've just tweeted similar things in bursts that i should probably compile the short answer is: bc their circumstances are stupid, and so are they long answer below the cut

on matoba

as much as i love him having been clingy and annoying and blinking morse code KISS ME to natori when they were teens, i think he was still considerate enough not to do anything about it bc he could see how jumpy natori was. how easy it would have been to lose him w/ the wrong thing said, the wrong thing done. better to just have his companionship in their ambiguity and plausible deniability of just how deeper he would prefer their friendship to be than to have nothing at all. esp for someone already as much of an outsider as matoba seiji - he's the clan heir, so he's getting primed for it; he's a teen, and besides his sister who hates him, natori is the only one around his age; he can see youkai, already a rare thing; and he can see them w/ exceptional power. their imbalance was predetermined when matoba met natori it would have especially been pointless to act upon any feeling when he is the matoba clan head. while as far as i've read the manga i don't recall them saying explicitly a matoba clan head has to be matoba by blood as opposed to marriage/adoption, i think it's an easy conclusion that blood would be prioritized since seiji is a matoba by name. he's probably gonna have to have beget a matoba heir and by blood is easiest, and natori has always been a rival clan, and they're both guys... the classic trope! but it has its place here, since they Are in jpn and on top of it they are in politics, and on top of THAT it's exorcist politics where as mentioned blood is going to matter. i actually think matoba wouldn't give a fuck about liking another guy - they used to be all over that in the yr 1545, why can't He in 20xx. granted he wouldn't be skipping about at pride w/ a rainbow flag over his shoulders; jpn's history w/ homosexuality has been Complex and it would also be in matoba's little proper traditional boy head. i don't know enough about this history to have any further comment on it, just my impression that, in the end, matoba isn't losing sleep over his natori dreams. also he is a spoiled brat. he wants that boy and he will construct intricate rituals to hold his hand and then, when natori inevitably puffs up like a kitten and turns red like his real shoujo maiden heart, matoba can safely say Just kidding! unfortunately for him, the clan/the world/NATORI would give a fuck if he admitted he's not really ever been kidding not even a bit

the pointlessness of having done anything about his baby crush stands when smth does actually pull natori away. which we are patiently waiting to find out: was it 1 singular event, or was it a continuum of realization that their methods of exorcising/youkai views were too incompatible? at any rate, now it's definitely too late to do anything! matoba is suffering not from internalized homophobia but internalized resignation that his life is not his own. duty is a weight and matoba is sisyphus w/ the fuckingfng boulder. the only thing that keeps his path crossing natori's is that the exorcist world is small, they are actually more alike than they think, and that singular incompatibility was not enough to undo all their other compatibilities - and so how much they still care about e/o

on natori

for natori tho, he was so unwanted as a kid that it has really fucked up his feelings forever. and it doesn't help at all that the person he is having even more complex feelings about is MATOBA..... he's hard to read; like is he trying to piss natori off bc he likes to, or is he being flirty? (the answer is both). and why would he be flirty? they are both guys <- bl manga protag natori shuuichi, who unlike matoba is absolutely going thru it, and part of it not just bc matoba is a guy but bc matoba is a rude little princess i mean brat. natori represses what starts to feel a little too intensely to just be friend feelings somewhere he can't reach. this has not worked so well!

just on top of the crush, i think natori would also be grappling w/ if he even feels that way bc he's finally found someone who can see youkai and is around his age. bc god knows him chasing after takuma and yorishima isn't gonna do anything. matoba in shambles that natori likes older men. anyway. on top of That, too, is natori's mopey Everyone hates me and wants to leave me that ultimately haunts all his interactions, esp as a teen. even if matoba can see youkai, he isn't branded by one (except matoba's brand is the eye, the target, that he will have to wear one day, but that he was also born w/. natori just couldn't see it. i digress). matoba has an entire clan around him and natori has no one; matoba cannot possibly understand natori, and vice versa - or so natori thinks. their imbalance was predetermined!!!

their biggest hurdle is ofc their way of exorcising differing from e/o, bc tho they are both men they are first and foremost exorcists. matoba has no qualms about the means taken for the end, doesn't give a shit about youkai being sentient. natori meanwhile is trying to be #nice. matoba would have been fine, delighted really, if the matoba clan took in a woobie still unconfident natori bc it would have meant literally having him at his side, but natori is so prideful and determined to keep being alone - both for pride and his childhood fears - that he does not join the matoba clan. he has to do what he can, how he wants, and do it alone. and when it comes to matoba, he has to be strong, too, and not let himself be affected by how matoba goads him or just generally exists somewhere he can never reach. he loves matoba, but not his methods, but the methods comprise half of who matoba is. there's no getting around that. so natori has to keep the distance between them unless he starts to compromise his beliefs or dust off his repressed feelings. instead he has to wait for matoba to go away before divulging unprovoked to anyone in his vicinity, by which ofc i just mean poor natsume, Btw the way matoba likes cats. And i thought he'd wear a hat when he exorcised bc it's just one extra little safety precaution. And we're not really rival clans not anymore. And and and. then he turns around after his first delicate momence w/ matoba in god knows how long and says directly to him, bearer of the burden and curse, A burden can be shared. ok girl. what am i supposed to make of this. an olive branch offered, a hope for reconciliation and closing the distance he himself is far likelier to have put between them than matoba, who has always known what he wants but has been kept from it by life and natori's own frustrating Standing There emoji self....

and now natori is an actor-model-singer! the only other careers he could have possibly chosen that doomed him to be more cognizant of his relationships than matoba's heirdom. even w/ his burden proposal, he can't do much more than just say gay things to get matoba's and my hopes up. that's a lie, he can also act upon those gay things. and he has! not joining the clan but helping matoba out... remembering things about him... stealing him from his house and they just let him apparently....

but these still aren't the bow-wrapped conclusion they need after w/e happened between them to have the rift to begin w/. they need a bit more of a push. w/ their circumstances, it wouldn't be smart to do more; matoba's clan is still v important to him, and natori still hasn't found his full confidence/sense of self. but they want to. my god they want to

[loquatenjoyer69]

[loquatenjoyer69]

[loquatenjoyer69]

forget star signs or mbti the real personality test is your default spot for drawing natori’s lizard

[loquatenjoyer69]

The burden of the Matoba

[loquatenjoyer69]

You were my town Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before

Taylor Swift - exile (feat. Bon Iver)

[loquatenjoyer69]

Moon, tell me if I could Send up my heart to you?

Mitski - My Love Mine All Mine

[loquatenjoyer69]

Genderbent Horrible exorcists is such an interesting concept to me because they'd mostly be the same but Matoba would be worse.

[loquatenjoyer69]

For a request by @nycnko who wanted a pic inspired by A World Unbent!

I headcanon that Matoba stopped hiding under tables when he and Natori parted ways bc no one else would help him sneak sweets

[loquatenjoyer69]

my gift to @thecrowsart for the @natsume-ss exchange! I hope you like this! happy holidays!!

[loquatenjoyer69]

please hurry leave me i can't breathe please don't say you love me

胸がはち切れそうで

mitski - first love / late spring

[loquatenjoyer69]

Some sketches of my favorite exorcists

[loquatenjoyer69]

I think about this a lot too! Usually we think of Natori as "bad end" Natsume but I think there are definitely parallels to be drawn between Matoba and Natsume especially in the context of Natsume's relationship with Tanuma.

One of the things that got me thinking about this was the letter from the exorcist story, specifically the end bit where Matoba once again asks Natsume to join his clan, and he talks about how having a connection to a powerful youkai can give you power, so as long as the eye-eater is pursuing him he can protect him. When Natsume refuses and goes to leave, Matoba, seeing Madara's true form, ponders how Natsume made a contract with such a powerful youkai and Natsume of course says it's not a contract but a promise. That arc, and really this scene, is establishing Matoba and Natsume as almost exact opposites, but opposites who have similar foundations. Both being much more powerful than their peers, inheriting a legacy, wanting of course to protect the people around them, and having that unhealthy habit of trying to take on everything alone. But that's about where the similarities end, I think. Matoba's relationship with youkai is one of power and force. He purposefully maintains this antagonistic relationship with a youkai who is trying to eat his eye because it gives him power. He can only think of youkai relationships on these sorts of terms. Natsume forms natural, compassionate relationships with youkai, not specifically looking to gain anything. His relationship with Madara seems to be more mutually beneficial/affectionate. Like you pointed out, a big part of both Natsume and Tanuma's relationship and Matoba and Natori's relationship is the differences in their power. One of my favorite Tanuma moments is the scene where he admits he doesn't mind getting possessed by the youkai because for once he gets to see what Natsume sees. Tanuma really wants to be Natsume's equal, partly because he probably just wants to see and talk to youkai, but also because he knows that as long as he's weaker, Natsume will always have a harder time opening up to him. SImilarly, Natori is also painfully aware of the distance between himself and Matoba, but by the time he meets Matoba, he's so wounded and insecure that he can't earnestly let himself try to be friends with him. Matoba, as shady as he is, isn't really the one who messed up their relationship, it seems. Like sure he was a little full of himself, but he was the one following Natori around, helping him, treating him like an equal. Natori, blinded by his insecurity, took all of this as a mockery. Matoba tells him things that he thinks are common knowledge, because he's been raised in the world of exorcists, and all Natori can see is how much more Matoba knows than him, and it stings. Thus we have Natori watching Matoba from afar, thinking "We can't see things the same way. Our paths our different." vs Tanuma's "Does Natsume not only see the koi pond, but the color of the fish?" WHICH IS WHY as I feel like has been said so often the end of loquats is so crazy, because finally Natori is taking that leap, trying to reach out and be vulnerable as you said, and Matoba for once doesn't brush it off and say he's fine. Can we say that Natori's reaching out was probably a side affect of his relationship with Natsume, slowly remembering the value of friendships, and Natsume can only model things like honesty and vulnerability because he's learned these things with Tanuma...and now it's reaching Matoba....oh yeah, it's all coming together....

ANYWAY don't mind me just excited to see you bring this up lol I've been thinking about these four as a group for a long time

p sure i said variations of this before but natsume and tanuma's relationship being the lightmode version of darkmode natori and matoba's will never stop being SO bonkers to meeee

it's in your face in so many ways but especially how the difference in their abilities is such a key piece in making tanunatsu grow closer and more honest and vulnerable with each other vs. being the source of ongoing tension between natori and matoba

anyway love that so much of the stuff i used to think was purely in my head ages ago is just becoming flat out text now when will any other canon ever etc etc

[loquatenjoyer69]

My gift for @caljudai for @natsume-ss exchange! I hope you like it!!

[loquatenjoyer69]

color pencil exorcists

[loquatenjoyer69]

fic: the light we kindle here

A series of stories about the horrible exorcists of Natsume Yuujinchou set in an established relationship AU. Coauthored with sulfatetocopper. 

(Read on AO3)

[loquatenjoyer69]

I wish you could see it, too