#I should also find a therapist but GOD that’s energy I just do not have rn 😭

[emblazons]

My week has been so damn stressful on the financial front I haven’t even wanted to make gifs or be online to analyze lmao but. I did start Heartstopper in an attempt to soothe myself with tooth-rotting fluff 😭😂

[whomadewaffles]

Some pjhazel incorrect quotes I've been saving for awhile...I feel like with how starved for content shippers of these two are right now, keeping these to myself would be a crime. I'm SO sorry for not citing sources. I wasn’t originally planning to post these, and finding them retroactively is like.. impossible.

Pjhazel is the focus, but others are included as side characters. So if you don't ship them, then just scroll on by and go about your day, please!

Also, for a heads up that will apply to all 3 parts: expect bad language and sex references cos obviously.

Oh, and this is part 1 of 3, even if it is the longest part

Long post under the cut!

_______

Josie: You slept with Hazel? OUR Hazel? Callahan??

Pj: I didn't know what else to do! She had those big, sad eyes. I couldn't help it.

Josie: ...sure, sounds like you had no other choice.

--------

Pj: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or sarcastic and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

--------

Hazel, jumping out of pj's closet: BOO!

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj:

Hazel: *makes the patented Hazel callahan sad face*

Pj: Ahh! Oh my god! You scared me!

------

Hazel: TERRIBLE NEWS!

Pj: Did you disarm the bomb?

Hazel: If I disarmed it, would I come running in here and shout, TERRIBLE NEWS!?

------

Pj: hazel, you are such a nerdy little dork, you can't pull any girl.

Hazel * has been crushing on her since they met*: okay. that's fine.

*2 years later*

Hazel: so what did you say? Repeat that again.

Pj: 🤡

--------

Pj: It has come to my attention, that I have some unresolved feelings or resentment toward my father.

Therapist: a little late, but I’m happy you’ve taken this first step. Now you can start looking to overcome that.

Pj: Already done. I’ve found a full proof solution…I’m going to ignore it. Completely and utterly.

Pj: just like my dad did me.

--------

Pj: the secret to being impulsive successfully is being faster than the consequences of your actions. you can't let them catch you or its all over

Annie: is that why everytime Hazel even looks at you since you kissed her you run away like a little bitch?

-------

Pj *trying everything she can to kiss hazel again without just admitting she likes her like a normal healthy person*: Hey, are you aware that kissing reduces stress?

Hazel: Okay.

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj: Hey, you look stressed. Like, really stressed. Just wanted to let you know.

--------

Hazel: It’s not that I don’t trust pj, I just... don’t trust her impulse control

-------

Hazel: None of you might remember this, but there was a time when PJ considered herself out of my league.

Hazel: Oh, how the mighty have fallen (into my arms)

------

Hazel *trying to teach her girlfriend how to take better notes in class*: to make it easier, you should always highlight the important things

*later*

Annie: Hazel, why are you covered in different colored highlighter?

Hazel: don't ask

Pj: she's important! okay!?

-------

Hazel: I'm freaking out, How do I make our first date really romantic?

Stella-Rebecca: Be mysterious.

Hazel: Okay!

*later, while on a date with pj* 

Pj: So where are we going?

Hazel: None of your fucking business.

Pj *is shocked and a little turned on* 😳

-------

Pj: Yeah, I lost the ability to give a shit at a very young age. It was a very tragic accident. Never recovered

------

Pj: *on the phone with josie* I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl shit.

Josie: You’re pulling Oreos apart and shaving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren’t you?

Pj: Maybe.

-----

Pj: I love you.

Hazel: I thought I annoyed you?

Pj: You do annoy me. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating moment with you.

--------

Pj: Im tired

Hazel: You should come to the gym with me! We could make it a date and exercising gives you energy!

Pj: Yeah, the same energy you need to go to the gym

Pj: Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

------

Pj *texting*: I'm showering

Hazel *texting back*: oh nice, send a pic of you're hair in a giant spike lmao!

--------

Pj: rest assured, rational me and impulsive me are having a fucking smackdown 24/7 100% of the time

-----

Hazel: Please, this is the 4th time its happened, I'm begging you go to a doctor.

Pj: I'm sorry is this OUR broken nose? Stay out of it.

------

Pj: I asked Hazel out.

Britney: Oh, I’m sorry.

Pj: Why?

Brittney: Well, I assume she said no.

Pj: No, she said yes.

Brittney: Really? Then I’m sorry for her.

-------

Pj: Shout out to my girlfriend who just randomly decided to eat my chapstick.

Hazel: WHY WOULD THEY MAKE IT COTTON-CANDY FLAVORED IF IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE EATEN?!

--------

Pj: You're annoying.

Hazel *in her head*: Enemies to lovers, slowburn, angst with happy ending, 300k+ words

------

Pj: I win

Hazel: I am literally pinning you down

Pj: I know

-----

Hazel: So sorry for making you fall in love with me because of my autistic swag and kissable lips.

--------

Pj: *Drinking a bottle of water*

Josie: Since when do you carry water? I've known you my whole life and you never do that.

Pj: Hazel freaked out ‘cause I told her I never drink water

Pj: Now she’s making me drink 8 glasses a day

Pj: It’s like, there’s water in soda, coffee, the little pools of water on pizza…

Isabel: …That’s grease

Pj: Well it’s wet isn’t it!

-------

Hazel: You're in love with me?

Pj: Unless you're not in love with me. Then I take it back, because, you know... I'm cool.

-------

Pj: You are an absolute fucking dork.

Hazel *singing*: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Pj *happy sigh*: Yeah, you're my dork.

--------

Pj: I'm a very good liar.

Josie: Yesterday, I asked if you were missing  hazel while she was gone, and you said "no" right before bursting into tears.

--------

[system-of-a-feather]

The thing about how my brain works due to how we learned to survive our childhood - specifically the stupid high pressure put in drastically different ways from both my oldest sister, parents, and society - that I appreciate but always find exhausting is just...

I don't really "get tired" or get "burnt out" or get "too stressed" so long as there is something stressful, confusing, difficult, a problem, etc to be worked on because stress and uncertainty keep me "activated" and my brain feeds off of that to feel engaged. As long as there is a stressor that doesn't immediately make me feel like I am going to die, I am often happiest when stressed and thus, as my trauma therapist in college would say, I'm addicted to being miserable.

And so like... possible new and better job started to organize itself meaning I can probably get a good idea of where I am going to be in February / March which lets me start to plan the details of 2024 and thus removes a lot of the antsy-ness of having to wait. It also means I can stop worrying about my current job and appealing to them too much or what not. And the second opinion I got for top surgery went stellarly so that huge stressor is basically completely and rapidly nerfed. PhD applications are basically done and its just a matter of waiting for responses / requests for interviews

Like.... most of my key issues that I was juggling at once all just kinda mostly tappered off and it's like.... yay, free time, less stress awesome we love it

But honestly, its only now that there is time and space to relax a bit does the sheer fatigue and burn out hit me like a tsunami and I'm just like "ughhhhhhh maybe I should find more problems" and I have to bonk myself on the head.

As long as I'm stressed I can postpone the "energy loan sharks" from noticing I am capable of paying my loans but god damn do I not wanna pay the spoon bank back cause it suckkksss

But ya know, its the healthy thing to do so Ill do it anyways but ugh.

Also I always forget how much I juggle at once solely to keep myself engaged in life cause I just... do it and dont think about it much

[eliaskahtri]

Oh God Not You Again || Elias & Gael

TIMING: Late September

LOCATION: Downtown Wicked’s Rest

PARTIES: Elias (@eliaskahtri) & Gael (@lithium-argon-wo-l-f)

SUMMARY: Elias arrives back in town, only to run into the one face he dreaded the most. 

CONTENT WARNINGS: None

It had been a few months, but Elias finally felt like he had his head back on his shoulders. Sure, there was nothing like a brief respite and throwing oneself head-first back into work to do the trick. He had gone home, sought a therapist, and returned to work. After the incident with, well… faeries. He had been reassured that everything was in his head, and the medication would help him feel right as rain again. Still, the dread bubbled in his chest as he drove into town, the sunny day throwing off what ELias felt should have been a dreary, awful day.

Finally, they had made it to Wicked’s Rest. After an agonizingly long car ride from Santa Barbara, California, to Wicked’s Rest, Maine, Elias got out of his car outside of what was now his apartment. Smack in the middle of the heart of downtown, thanks to his assistant, Naya. Naya exited her car behind him, her excitement visible on her face. “I haven’t been home in so long!” She exclaimed as she clapped her hands together, then threw her arms around him and into a hug. 

Elias went rigid at the contact. He didn’t do hugs, not anymore. Ever since he first told Naya that he had accepted the position in Wicked’s Rest, he felt nothing but dread. There were people he had left behind, people he’d rather not see. Awkwardly returning the hug briefly, Elias pulled away and looked above the shop to see where his apartment was. “Fully furnished, so you don’t have to worry about moving in and buying anything,” Naya spoke as she handed over his key. “And I’m across the hall, so if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.” She shot him a smile before taking a step back toward her car. “And if you don’t mind, I will say hi to my family.” She grinned, unable to contain her excitement, as she let out a giddy scream before hopping back into her car. 

As Naya drove off, Elias felt all of the remaining energy he had to leave his body. He didn’t want to be here. But he also couldn’t tell his assistant no to the possibility of being able to move home and be with her family. A people pleaser until the end, that’s what he was. Staring down at the key in his hand, he screwed up his face before turning to look down the street. He wasn’t ready to go inside yet. 

Still, if he waited around in the heart of downtown, he was bound to run into someone he didn’t want to see– and that’s when he saw him. Gael walked right toward him. Elias glanced around and suddenly found that he was desperate to see how quickly he could open the door to the stairs that would bring him to his apartment. Taking advantage of not being recognized, he desperately wiggled the handle to the stairwell.

Then, he heard that familiar voice. Shit. How was he going to explain himself? Hey man! I know we had this brief thing or whatever, but then I had a complete mental breakdown that left me feeling like I was one move away from a permanent hotel California situation, so I fled in the middle of the night. Never mind, I just left a note that said, “I’m not safe here anymore,” and left. Haha! Funny, right? Elias glared at the door handle that had betrayed him and slowly turned himself around, every movement of his feet like it physically pained him to do so. “Hello.” He said in a clipped, awkward tone. “Funny seeing you here.” He pointed at the door. “Door sticks,” he said flatly, the normally chipper man completely devoid of emotion.

There was a lot on the professor’s mind nowadays, between the last set of full moons, his subsequent conversations with select people, the nagging ideas in his brain that woke him up more frequently than usual and now, most recently and suddenly, a familiar scent that filled his distracted senses as he left the apartment of one of his acquaintances he had gotten to know recently. Gael, briefly standing in the hall like a weirdo, turned his head slowly as he inhaled slowly, deeply. That smelled like…

No, it wasn’t. It couldn’t have been. Elias was on the other side of the country again or… so Gael presumed. He’d been absently keeping up with the engineer’s endeavors after that cryptic letter left on his kitchen counter months ago, about how he had been making groundbreaking steps in the bioengineering and prosthetics world. Naturally, he was happy for the man but at the same time, he kept thinking about that letter. It was one sentence, only five words, but Gael was having trouble not being able to understand its meaning. But despite feeling like he understood the meaning, Elias was gone and Gael had accepted that. It didn’t make him feel less guilty, though, thinking about how one day he moved in and they– Gael had made mistakes, he knew that. He made mistakes and Elias was suddenly gone and the professor felt as though that might’ve been for the best, especially considering the things he himself had learned since then. About… He wondered how much of it really mattered as Gael’s tired, dark eyes found the tall man struggling to… open a door. Seemed about right. Wordlessly at first, Gael approached the familiar man where he didn’t stare up at him with a furrowed brow for very long before he glanced at the door Elias seemed to be having trouble with. “Yeah, that one in particular is really bad about it.” He motioned to it, not entirely untruthful but it wasn’t that difficult. “Need… any help?”

—

Everything in Elias screamed to run away, to do anything to escape the uncomfortable experience that was standing near Gael. He and Regan were the two people he was hoping to avoid, but something told him that that wouldn’t happen in this town. He shook his head at the shorter man’s offer to help, deciding to slam his shoulder into the door, which did absolutely nothing. And great, now his shoulder screamed in pain. He made a face as he let a hiss escape through his lips. “That… was supposed to work.” He muttered, finally giving up on the stuck door to look at Gael. He looked tired, but that much wasn’t all that new.

“Uh.” He said rather eloquently, crossing his arms over his chest as he schooled his anxiety to appear calm and collected. “Surprise? I… moved back.” He jabbed his thumb in the direction of the stuck door. “Apartment’s upstairs. Should have kept my assistant around to open it.” He nodded his head slowly, gaze drifting anywhere but at Gael. It helped that he was short and Elias could just look straight ahead. 

The energy between the two was uncomfortable. There was no denying it. Elias turned to the door that had betrayed him, now forcing him to conversate with the man he once considered a very close friend. And, well… maybe not anymore. He had kind of burned many bridges on his way out of town. “I, well.” He scratched at the back of his head, his nervous tick reappearing. “I was offered a research position at the local hospital.” He finally explained, kicking at a pebble near his foot. “My assistant is from here, and I would have felt bad telling her no, so… here I am.” He raised his hands in the air as he shrugged, still avoiding looking Gael in the eyes.

All those months later and he was still as easy to read as before. Then again, since he was just as easy to read as before - and especially since Gael had since grown accustomed to the little nuances in a voice and especially hearing the heartbeat of whoever he was talking to, the professor figured that this was going to be an awkward reunion, to say the least. He wasn’t a stranger to people drifting away over the years; his old college friends, the ones he grew up with, work buddies and lab partners, it was simply impossible to keep up with every single one of them, not to mention some of them likely decided to either start entirely over with a new set of friends, but some of them might not’ve done that but just opted to cut out the negative influences in their life. Gael knew that he had been that way to a few people, as aspects of his past could never quite leave him weren’t healthy to anyone. He had worked to move past those and he certainly didn’t fault anyone for thinking that he could serve as a negative influence. He tended to treat old faces the same, though, for better or for worse; it was awkward, but Gael wasn’t mean, or at least he certainly tried not to be. He didn’t fault Elias for leaving for whatever reason, just like he didn’t fault him for coming back once he had an opportunity to do so. “Well, that’s good!” He said with a small smile. “I mean, good that you got a good position.” He paused, easily noticing that Elias was purposefully avoiding eye contact with him so he motioned to the door again. “You should try shouldering into it again, that really worked the first time.” He joked lightly, trying to gauge a reaction before ultimately deciding that Elias probably wanted nothing to do with him anymore and to just… exist in the same town. Gael could do that.

—

Elias wanted to melt into the cracks of the sidewalk and slide away. He wanted to be anywhere else, but there he was, running into the one person he had been hoping to avoid. Despite himself, he still found him letting out a bark of laughter as Gael insisted he fling himself into the door again. He turned to look at Gael, sizing him up playfully. “Well, if you’re so keen on making fun of me, why don’t you try?” He stepped to the side of the door, gesturing towards the door in a dramatic flourish. As much as he wanted to be uncomfortable, Gael just found a way of making him feel at ease. Still, there was a hint of discomfort that Elias was actively trying to combat.

“I started seeing things after the murder happened.” Elias began to explain, eyes dropping to his feet. “And when I started seeing these things, I thought faeries were real.” He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “And that’s when I decided to seek help from a professional.” He gave a flat smile. Lips pressed together in a thin line. “So now I’m… better. Better enough to be here without screaming, anyway.” Elias paused, face turning thoughtful. “Well, maybe a good scream now and again,” he decided.

“I was in such a bad state that I thought I was in danger and that people would come after me.” He rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a terse sigh. He remembered the state he was in, the fear that coursed through his body as he shakily wrote that note to Gael before running out the door that night. He felt bad about it but knew he would do it again if things went down the same course. “I’m sorry for running away instead of saying something.” He finally said, able to look up and meet Gael’s eyes. The smile that had graced Gael’s angled face when Elias had momentarily shifted back into that sense of familiarity between the two of them softened, then slightly faltered as the taller man started to explain what had happened and why he left so abruptly in further detail. And as he spoke, about how he started experiencing hallucinations and how fairies were real, Gael understood where the man was coming from. He’d been there, once, himself. Some days, he argued he was still there, on the edge, just waiting for someone to just… push him off of it entirely.

Ever since he moved, around the start of the summer, things had escalated far quicker than they should’ve, in multiple ways. He met so many people, became privy to so much knowledge about things that he had spent 40 years of his life believing were firmly fictional. He’d seen things that he couldn’t even dream about, had learned with Regan that his own hearing and smell, the things he himself thought were auditory and phantosmia hallucinations, weren’t just him making things up and hearing what he thought wasn’t there. Gael never struggled to find an identity for himself in the feeling of being special or unique like that.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Gael replied with a small shrug of one of his shoulders. “I’m… I know I didn’t help as much as I should’ve and I’m… sorry for how I acted before.” The confidence in his tone faltered and his body language reflected some of the guilt that he’d long since compartmentalized and processed appropriately though it, like, many things, tended to linger when their memory came up. “I don’t blame you for what you did; this town is… weird.” That was putting it lightly.

“And I don’t mean to, like, know that you’re back and insert myself into your life.” The professor continued, now reaching for the door and resting a calloused hand on the handle. “I get that things are… well, y’know, different now but I just wanted to drop by, say ‘hi’ and that…” Gael cleared his throat and he effortlessly pulled the door open for the taller man. He knew it had to be pulled the whole time. “If you ever need or want any help, I’m still your guy.”

[attackradish]

Hello my mental health is the worst it’s been all year. If not longer

I could verify this by going through my vent tag but I am not going to because that takes time. This trait of mine is part of the problem but I’m not in a place to fix that right now.

ANYWAYS why am I like this. I have some inklings as to why.

Work is now opening an hour sooner. Meaning I have to wake up earlier and I have been losing sleep as a result. This is not good for the Mental Health

Current drama with a coworker that I am not going to go into that because it’s complicated and rather stupid.

Today was supposed to be my Tax Day where I did my Taxes but I was hit by dread this morning so I didn’t get around to it until like 5PM and then realized I don’t have one of my W2 forms and I can’t go looking around for that because my dad will tell me how stupid I am and how I never care about anything and am doing this on purpose. And I actually can’t care about anything I feel, but it’s not like I’m not trying it’s just that I have no soul.

I cannot give my friends the attention they deserve. I am burnt out I have no energy left for being a friend and yet there are people who miss me. And I can’t be there often enough for them not to miss me. I am neglecting them and I am a terrible person but I need to be alone.

I really do feel that I have reached my full potential. There is simply not enough caring or gumption or whatever it is I’m missing in this body of mine to achieve anything further. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move out or date or even get a job I like better than DQ. I’m done being closeted in my parents house and I’m ready to quit early.

I can’t quit early. Firstoff I have friends who care about me, and I can’t imagine what it’d do to them. I’ve got a baby niece in the house too who smiles when she sees me so I gotta live for her too. And that’s not mentioning how difficult and impractical non-painful methods of dying are. Seriously. Best option I have is locking myself in the walk in freezer with a CO2 canister, but I learned from a cool book I read that high concentrations of CO2 will make you feel like you’re suffocating, and the best gas for that purpose is Nitrogen. Which costs money and is very conspicuous.

I also don’t want to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death really seems to be the only way out aside from Miracles like universal housing passing within the next year or two, or I attain Godhood and can just do as I please. I think about dying and it makes me want to cry. Being on the verge of tears for long periods of time really does something for my perception of my mental health, being that I haven’t been like this since the family dog died. Maybe crying would do me good.

I should probably get a therapist but I don’t have time or energy for my friends, scheduling these things takes time and effort and I don’t want to have to talk to my parents about it. I should probably get antidepressants. Also my laundry basket from yesterday isn’t even all the way filled up and it’s 9:58. And I have work tomorrow but no uniforms. God I just need to rest.

BUT HERE’S THE THING ABOUT REST. I’VE ALREADY HAD A WEEK OFF OF WORK BECAUSE OF THE FEVER. MY JOB IS UNDERSTAFFED AND I CANT MAKE THEM SUFFER THROUGH THAT AGAIN AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

Anyways I have been putting no effort into finding a place since like last year, or finding a therapist. Or really anything. I’m not sure if I can even do that. I have reached my limit. I’m simply not much substance. I’m nice to have around and talk to but quite frankly I don’t have it in me to actually survive on my own. I don’t have it in me to die either. So who knows what is going to happen. I’m going to rot forever. Dying a slow death with nothing but fantasy to dull the edges.

I have a friend who’s offered to let me crash at their place, but I can’t take them up on that offer because I’ll just be the same lifeless rock that I am. Forever. And I can’t do that to them. If I can’t break free on my own then I’m afraid I never will. My chrysalis will just stay gathering dust. Sapping resources. I need to grow wings but I don’t know if I can.

So here I remain. Closeted at my parent’s house. Probably forever. The brain does not engage. I’ve been dead for years but the body still breathes. This is all I am and it is not enough. I’m gonna pretend I live in Star Wars now until I forget the useless thing that I am. I have work tomorrow.

[rantceratops]

My anxiety is- so far -taken care of. Which is really awesome because it was consuming my life. But now that my anxiety isn’t occupying all my time, my depression is coming back to the forefront. Granted, the meds I’m taking also help with depression, so, I think they are helping with that to a degree. But, I’m still just... feeling so bored of everything. Sometimes I feel like I literally don’t have anything to do. At all. Nothing interests me, or else I know that if I start anything new and interesting I’ll suck at it and get discouraged. I’m already too timid to try things. It’s partly because I know I’ll suck at it and partly because it just can’t hold my damn interest for more than two seconds.

I feel like everything in life is a waste of time? Why should I try clay or keep drawing or find a new video game? Idk. I don’t feel suicidal I just feel bored. Like, extreme levels of bored. I was distracting myself with games real good for a while, but now I’m sick to death of that, and just, sitting in front of my computer all day doing the same thing every day gets old.

Why is it so hard to just... take care of myself or to find joy in things that I should like?

I’m hoping to god I don’t BECOME suicidal because of the meds or otherwise, but so far it’s been about a month and I feel fairly the same as usual about it.

I’m also just... isolating and avoiding so much. I can’t even talk to my friends. I’m so consumed with distracting myself or just can’t muster the energy to engage in conversation because, just like everything else, it doesn’t interest me. And I see how AWFUL that sounds. I love my friends! I don’t mean they’re not interesting, I just... god, I just can’t muster up the energy for anything other than trying to distract myself with games or youtube videos. It’s so isolating.

Nobody or nothing is really stopping me from talking, other than my messed up head. (I hate admitting this because it sounds so bad, but it’s just... I can’t even find the willpower or desire to respond or start a conversation even though in my heart I know I should and DO want to? It’s so weird to explain. But I just want to again say it’s not that... it’s not that my friends aren’t interesting or that I’m insinuating that they are supposed to entertain me, god no. It’s just like... everything that’s not a mind-numbing video game feels so difficult? -sigh- I hope what I’m trying to say is coming across.)

I will try to put this all into better words for my therapist and let her know it’s bothering me.

In some ways, I’m doing way better (the anxiety), but in others I’m... about the same or only slightly better (the depression). I’m not complaining though, I feel way better, even if I still have some bad moments and bad days.

I think I just have to do more to help the medicine and my therapy help me; I can’t just take the medicine and talk to my therapist and expect it to help me manage my mental illness without me changing things and/or acting on things, etc. I have to help it along.

[bubbleonice]

Twin flame reading:

This is a general twinflame reading. If this does not resonnate to you or the couple you’re thinking of, then it is not your reading. I’ll do another twinflame reading next week where you will be able to choose piles. As for now, please enjoy this one. I have pull some cards for the masculine energy and cards for the feminine energy. We are talking about energies here, so for same sex couples, one represents the Male and the other the Female.

Masculine energy:

Thank God/ Reach Out/ Take No Offence/ Give More/ Rise and Shine

Our masculine is praying everyday to reunite with their other half. He misses the feminine energy so much. The F is in his mind constantly and he wants nothing more but to reach out. But he is offended. He is hurt. Something the F has been doing has hurt him tremendously. He was about to reach out and give more, he was determinded to. He dreamt of the moment when you can rise and shine together again.

Past-life relationship / Religious factors/ express your love/ finances and career / retreat

The M soul remembers his pastlife with the F soul. There has been connection from past relationships which still has an imprint in this life. Some religious factors has been an issue here. Maybe incidents connected to a religion that has made an impact. The M wants the F to express her love. Why is she not expressing her love? Does she not love me anymore? There’s also an issue in terms of finances and career. Maybe the M doesn’t feel adaquat to compare himself to the F. In the end he gets insecure and retreats.

Willingness: the M is willing to compromise if the end result is love. But he is not sure this is what the F wants. He also says, I am willing to manifest my thoughts and transform them into the acts of love if you let me.

The Masuline’s message to his Feminine. ❤️don’t make decisions based on guilt or what you think you should do, for it is only in being true to yourself that you can be true to others.

Feminine energy:

Speak with Love/ Open your heart/ Be courageous/ say Yes/ seek an expert

The feminine wants the M to speak with love. Talk to me, tell me you love me. Open your heart. Don’t shut me out. Be courageous, I only need to hear you say it. Say yes to us. Seems like the M is not willing to admit to his F where he stands. And the M is unsure where his F stands and misinterpreting her all the time. The F is saying, just say it, tell me it’s me you want. She also tells him to seek an expert. Get help. Sort yourself out. Go find a therapist. Or go to rehab. Pull yourself together.

Chemistry/ Children / Honeymoon/ Flirt / Worth waiting for

The F feels the chemistry. From day 1 she felt it. She wants children, she wants the honeymoon, she wants the flirting and everything that comes with a relationship. She just need the M to say it. She says I am worth waiting for, I know I messed up in the past, but I am yours. Don’t shut me out. Let me in.

Individuality: you leave your unique stamp of love on everything you do. And you value everyone’s unique perspective on the path to love.

The feminine’s message to her Masculine: ❤️criticising one another will only lead to further unhappiness. Embrace me. When we past from this world we take nothing with us but our souls and the memories we have shared. Come back to me.

This is a short reading for twinflames. I wish I could make a video or an audio, it would be easier to explain each card so much better. And it would be easier to tell the twinflames story. I might consider it. But for now, this is the September twinflame reading❤️

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

When you get this you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) <3

oh boy uhhh really forcing the self love on me ig

5 things i like about myself:

my eyes? i have like a cool design thing going on in my irises which idk how it happened but it’s a nice slay

my empathy <3 even though it can be hard sometimes (bc our world is constantly full of injustice and people getting hurt) and it’s lowkey a trauma response i love that i can sense peoples mood shifts and am able to notice when people are quiet or sad or drawn back or whatever even though i’m not the best at knowing how to comfort them (we’re working on it 😭) (why am i fucking mike wheeler except to literally everyone not just will byers i’m literally in my mike wheeler kin era what is happening @booksandpaperss this is your fault) but i like being able to help a bit and the silent pain in me likes being able to ease it in others 💀 and also empathy is cool and good and more humans should learn how to do it <3

i love my texting style ig???? idk i just think it’s really funny i do a lot of wEiRd cApiTALizAtiOnS and ‘waht’ and slayful emojis and also it’s a bit easier/less anxiety inducing for me to have a text conversation rather than an in person one where there’s eye contact and awkward pauses and i don’t have as much time to think of what to say and have to censor a lot more and etc so texting is nice bc im more able to be myself ig??? also beyond just my natural texting style i also adapt to the style of the person i’m texting and i just love being able to like figure out how they communicate and meet them with the same energy this post is literally revealing sm abt me u guys idk if i should post this 💀💀💀

i like my ability to write?? and analyze literature idk i just really enjoy writing like literary analysis papers and discussing books and reading good books and ranting about them to people and watching analysis videos and pausing movies and podcasts so i can just go off to my empty room about my thoughts and god i’m such a humanities gay why am i going into STEM-

i like my ability to make dumb jokes LMFAO i think in an attempt to mask when i was younger i observed and replicated what other people seemed to find funny and combined with being a gifted kid i was able to figure out intelligent humour and edit down the chaotic shit in my head and deliver lines at like the right times and in the right way and adapt them to the person i’m with and it helps me to be a humorous person irl and like cover up the inability to socialize with jokes 😃😃 but seriously i do love making people laugh and smile it literally makes my heart grow like the fucking grinch on christmas <3

sorry i wrote so much and treated this prompt like a fucking therapist 😭😭😭 this was nice though time to force self love onto my mutuals hehehhehehe

[anonyg]

I'll try to land down my own thoughts for a moment. This might be the longest writing I've ever done in my life speaking about myself. I think I'm in the right spot right now to talk about myself, to talk the way I am, without any filter nor bias. Sat down, typing stuff on my phone, letting my thoughts and concerns dissipate without anyone worrying or without overthinking of the "what if *she* reads this". A dedicated moment to write my unadulterated feelings.

It's quite rough to understand what I want right now. My biggest impulse is to simply text her: ask what she's doing, ask what she's planning. Having something to say, or a slither of hope to come back crawling and give her a new chance... or rather, give myself a new chance. An aspiration to cling onto, something else to chew on than the feeling of "what can I possibly do now". I want to also give this some time, although I don't really want to specify on an specific date, I would like to give it 2 or 3 weeks, ending my exams, and see what she's up to. If her feelings have changed, if she's fallen in love with someone else again. God knows I won't ever do, how much I despise people aside from her, yet without having her, those feelings haven't changed. I... really didn't plan for that to change either, yet I felt like it would change by a bit. Maybe I need some more time to digest it, maybe that's all we need. But I don't feel like wanting to love again. I don't feel like pouring my energy and soul to meet another romantic partner, I don't feel like I need it. Yet I aspire a hug: a kiss, reassurance, someone that tells me "it's worthwhile to push forward. It's worthwhile to be yourself, I'll be here with you, and I want you to know your own place and identity". I'm not even sure if that's literally and specifically what I want someone to tell me, but I want to talk to someone that reaches to my heart and pulls me out of these shallow hole that I can easily get out of someone lends me a hand. I'm insecure to ask for help, my fingers are writing on its own, yet everything feels coherent, like it builds itself like a puzzle. The pieces are falling in place, yet I'm not sure how big this puzzle is. I'll keep writing.

I asked for a therapy session for next week with my therapist. I feel like I have many things planned already: 5 video projects, wanting to adopt the Class of 09 Wiki, giving myself some time to tell my girlfriend's mother about our breakup and still expressing that I want to meet her. Because, even if we remain as a couple or not, I *do* want to meet her. I don't want to throw my parents' efforts to get money and make me happy away for a breakup. This is a new chapter of my life, that trip will mark that and align my aspirations and desires from there. Meeting her, getting her feel, her vibe, feeling her touch, I want to know everything from her to know what I want now that I've finally experienced something that isn't sexual abuse. Perhaps I'm doing this to find some hope in my life, or giving this trip too much credit and importance to figure out where I want to go next, and that I should start acting right now. I just don't have the motivation to do that. I'm scared of being alone again.

I took a quick restroom break and realized how this writing is pretty much the perfect objectification of my own thoughts. How it feels everytime I let my thoughts spiral out of control. When I'm depressed or anxious, all of this is negativity. Bad things about myself, about my life, "fuck people", "fuck everything I'll be better than them", minimizing myself and then everyone else in the process. This is my cycle. This is what I do when I feel wrong or when something doesn't quite fit in my life. Whatever my life is, anyway. There's so much I want to do, like I've said, and it's hard to give myself the structure I'm so used to. I want to plan things, sort everything out; work my way out of this, without doubting myself. I actually want to structure this, map it out. I'll do it after I finish writing this, which might take me a while. So far, this is working wonders, and I feel my anxiety and nervousness decreasing swiftly but steadily. A rhythm I appreciate, which I don't get to have more often, at least with my mental health and emotional well-being.

[blossom-to-be]

12/27/2023

I'm writing all of this down before the end of the year so I can set my intentions for the upcoming year. I want to have this to look back onto and hopefully be able to check everything off as completed.

I want to spend this next year bettering myself physically and mentally. I have made HUGE strides in the past few years with all of that but I know there is still so much more work to do.

I am a stay at home mom now. I am up and down off the ground and couch. Bending over and picking up constantly. I have a bad back but I know that a lot of that has to do with my weight. I am already making some strides with this. I am doing OatsOvernight to drink when I'm up at 7 and rely on that to keep me full through 12 or 1. This has been doable. The flavors are amazing and the selection is quite large so I think I can sustain this.

Currently, my back is acting up so I'm working on that to heal up. When I'm finally feeling a bit better, I plan to dedicate time at least 2-3 days a week (if not more) to doing my PT exercises. I spent all that time, energy, and money going to PT, now I just need to stick with it and implement that in my life. The exercises along with going on walks will hopefully help my energy and abilities overall.

I'm going to start watching my portions. This is going to be a HUGE task for me. I have already reached out to join Overeaters Anonymous. I haven't done too much with that just yet as I did a few things last night but I'm setting that ball in motion. I'm dedicated to getting my overeating under control. It's a problem I have been struggling with for so long and a lot of the time I feel like food controls my life. It should NOT be like this. I know this and that's what I'm working to overcome.

This segues into my mental health. Going to OA and finding support there is super important in changing my mind around about food. I am also contemplating finding a behavioral therapist to help me with some intrusive thoughts I've been having. My hormones are still getting under control from the pregnancy and subsequent breast feeding but I'm keeping an eye on my thoughts to try and make sure I'm not getting to a dark place. So far I have been able to put those thoughts to the side and move past them when I think them but it's still pretty tough.

I am also getting massages at least once a month. That will help with my physical self but being able to shut off and just be present. It's a nice and relaxing time to just be. I'm trying to get more in touch with myself. I have never truly felt like I knew myself and the self I do know, I don't particularly like.

I have purchased a tarot deck and an oracle deck. I'm still in the early stages of using them but I'm taking this as a chance to open my mind even more. I'm hoping that these tools will help me find guidance when I need it. I bought a journal to track my readings and reflect on them now and in the future. With this spiritual journey, I'm opening myself up to God. I was raised Catholic and I still do consider myself to be. We've been attending a Lutheran church here and there. We haven't been recently but life has been busy especially one with a one year old. They do stream online so I'm hoping to catch a few of those and maybe try to reconnect to a closeness with God. I know that He is the reason I am where I am and have the things I have and I want to open myself up to being a good person and if that means dedicating time and energy to God then that's where life is guiding me. I simply don't know at this point but I'm excited to find out!

I'm hoping to learn a lot about myself this year. I'm wanting to learn more about myself, both mind and body. I'm switching things up with this blog and I want to sort of use this as a diary. Something I can look back on and see my thoughts and how I've been changing. I'm doing this for me and if I can find other people through this platform to help me or who I can help, then that's even better.

[rainsmediaradio]

The Crosswalk The Devotional 16th November – Exercise Your Gift.

TOPIC: Hope for the Hopeless SCRIPTURE: 1 Peter 4:10-11, NLT “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen.” By Annie Yorty Oh, I can’t stand this! Groaning, I tossed and turned on my bed in frustration. Just as it had a million times before, my mind commanded my right hand to flex. But this time, the appendage, packed in layers and layers of gauze encased within a rigid form and covered with a stretchy bandage, refused to obey. The bulky cast dangled at the end of my arm like a heavy bowling pin with four puffy fingertips protruding. A week out from joint replacement surgery, I already felt claustrophobic, barely able to resist clawing the wrapping off my arm. The pain, initially excruciating, had subsided enough that I yearned to move. To stretch just a bit. To simply use my hand. But, bound and immobile, it seemed disconnected from the command center of my brain.  My useless hand made me wonder how often I’ve constrained spiritual gifts God graciously gave me when I was born again as His child. His Spirit places these abilities within us for an eternal purpose. They enable us to “do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10 NLT).  Apostle Peter lists two of the gifts which may be infused into us by the power of the Holy Spirit—speaking and serving others. We find additional gifts listed in other books of the New Testament—teaching, encouragement, giving, mercy, prophecy, leadership, and more. “It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have” (1 Corinthians 12:11 NLT). God supplies us with the strength to use our gifts. Often, however, like my immobilized hand, there seems to be some disconnect between the power source and implementation. I sometimes find my gifts hanging limp and useless. At times, a lack of courage prevents me from acting. I’ve been too timid to step out of my comfort zone. Other times, I’ve focused on the gifts of others and judged my Spirit-filled abilities to be insignificant by comparison. I admit I’ve also used my gifts selfishly, tending to my own needs and neglecting to edify others. If these attitudes become habits, my spiritual gifts will languish and even atrophy from disuse. I don’t want to be a dead weight dragging down the Body of Christ. I’d rather be vibrant and sensitive to the Head of the Body, Jesus Christ, flexing my gifts at His command. During recovery from surgery, I exercised my hand as it healed. I started by wiggling my swollen fingers to encourage a flow of life-giving blood. As the feeling gradually returned, I stretched and strengthened each digit. When healing stalled, I sought an occupational therapist who specialized in hands. He assigned targeted, repetitive tasks that built up weak areas. Just as I exercised my hand, we need to use our spiritual gifts. Like my hand therapist, God cheers for us as we start small and gradually increase in flexing our spiritual gifts to do the good things He planned for us from before we were born. When we get stuck in our progress, God shines through our weaknesses by designing circumstances that target our need for growth. I practiced for months to achieve the goal of all five fingers working together properly. I rejoiced when my right hand finally resumed normal tasks of writing, brushing my teeth, closing buttons, tying shoes, and much more. Life was so much easier! God created the interdependence of bones, muscles, and tendons in my hand. He also fashions a Body out of all the uniquely complex members of His family. He unifies us to operate under the power of the Holy Spirit. We serve others, perhaps weakly at first, until we become healthy, functional vessels of God’s grace. How satisfied I felt when I could finally stretch and use my fingers again. But nothing physical will ever compare to the pleasure of exercising our spiritual gifts for God’s glory.  Intersecting Faith and Life: What spiritual gifts have you received to serve the Body of Christ? What might be holding you back from exercising your gifts for God’s glory? Annie Yorty writes and speaks to encourage others to perceive God’s person, presence, provision, and purpose in the unexpected twists and turns of life. Married to her high school sweetheart and living in Pennsylvania, she mothers a teen, two adult children (one with intellectual disabilities), and a furry beast labradoodle. She has written From Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed through Down Syndrome. Please connect with her at http://annieyorty.com/, Facebook, and Instagram. Read the full article

[produce101blog]

Episode 4 Thoughts

hype boy 2:

does hype boy not have a JP version??

lee being personally offended that their korean is so bad... LMAO

big brain move to change the dance up to fit their skills

i love aiko (she's in my top 11) so it was nice for her to get 5 seconds of screen time being praised

hype boy 1:

rinon is also one of my faves yay

rino (judge) is growing on me, she actually seems to give a shit about the feelings the girls have

kokona!! she is 100% capable poor girl! and she ended up doing great

fiesta 1:

who tf put this group together again?? it's all dancers and no singers lmao

they REALLY needed a singer to hold down the fort with the main vocals and help them, like they even had to pull in tsuzumi...

god the rehersal awful to listen to, you can't have a group full of sayus

they kind got it together for the performance a little thank god

fiesta 2:

dumb name lol

sry but rimika is so annoying lol. it shouldn't take them having to sit down and have a come to jesus talk with her to get her to speak up and stop being passive aggressive and leaving practice and etc. tbh jueri didn't even do anything wrong, she was just doing what she thought she should as a leader and rimika was throwing a fit for ?? no reason???

cheer up 1:

this was my favorite performance out of the entire set just because of their cohesiveness, so i'm glad to hear that karen was specifically thinking about that and even tried to pick the song based on that

so many communication issues lmao no one is making efforts to make the others feel like they can speak freely

i'd follow this group if they debuted like this lmao they kind of remind me of very early s/mileage vocally

cheer up 2:

cheer up 1 was smart to pick this specific group to do this song lol bc it doesn't fit them at all, but they have to be versatile as an idol imo anyway cuz they aren't going to always get "cool" songs

aruha and moro do the best with the kawaii concept in my opinion, but everyone is doing their best with it despite not really having experience lol

moro still gives me sayu energy but she can actually sing so that's good

sakura pulling the entire team LMAO

tokyo girl 1:

both groups have really cute outfits

opposite problem of fiesta 1 LMAO they should have shuffled it up a little better

i understand her feelings but i find mana to be very annoying lol

strawberry head

i personally would feel defeated too if i had to go up against group 2

wow a world of difference between practice 1 and 2 with yumeki

everyone keeps saying "this is your last chance!!!" yea no shit they were anxious in their performance

tokyo girl 2:

not interested in the ran/miu rivalry so not really much to say here

kassa was cute as usual

ranka did a good job and doesn't belong in F anymore imo

i love that "hai iku" became AMERICA lmao

i think kassa took the feedback and did her best to convey emotion and succeeded

even before the results were announced i was like "poor group 1"

the biggest win yet poor group 1

body and soul 2:

these girls need to learn their ancestors lol SPEED walked so they could run

miu is so KY lmao she needs to learn the japanese way of communication

her practicing a lot in korea makes sense as to how she performs now

is rino a dance judge or a therapist lol

nano is so funny, falling asleep during a discussion

then nano being so cute in her interview about being praised, i love her lol

i can never read yumeki's expressions, he can look like someone just farted in his mouth and then say "that was the best performance i've ever seen in my life"

tbh i forget that suzu is only 16 too

two cute kassa reactions during perf

hot take but i don't think they were the best group by just watching the performances back to back. i think produce101 really wants you to believe that they are tho. but tsuzumi and suzu definitely killed it

i think this is the only group where every single member lost to the other group... it makes me want to support body and soul 1 members lol

tsuzumi is so cute aww and so humble

group ranking/after:

b&s 2 didn't really need extra votes but there were a few lower girls in there so i'm happy for them

wow low miu ranking lol she can't catch a break

the spoilers after episode 5 with the eliminations are going to be baaad

kaela being like "you can't show flaws" lol do you not even know what idols are about??? that's kind of the whole fuckin point lady

the hidden camera thing is a great idea to appeal to the audience as an idol even if it's hidden lmao

the MTBI little thing was cute

this episode made me fall in love with nano lol with her letter and her falling asleep

[lucifer-is-a-hermit]

Vent rant time boyyyyzzzz

I'm tired of my 8 million diagnosed and undiagnosed issues. Like can my stomach stop try to pump its acid up my throat to destroy me insides. Can I eat without feeling dizzy and nauseated for one. I feel like that is fuckin impossible. I'm now having issues with bladder control and I'm just fuckin done. I don't have the money or effort to see a doctor about all of that. Everything is busy going to my mental health.

My shitty fucking mental health that just seems to just be getting worse.

Also being poor as hell helps my eating disordered thoughts to run rampant and take over. Not like I have a chance at even starting to untangle that ball of yarn.

My cocktail of meds is changing now, which is throwing everything more out of wack. And God forbid I have the mental energy and willpower to turn in applications for jobs. Not like it will do anything since my boyfriend is applying to everything around us and finding nothing. And he has job experience and a high school diploma.

Speaking of high school diploma I have a place next to me that will let me get a full ass high school diploma and not just a GED, but my anxiety just, I just can't. I know it will improve my living situation which puts it as something with higher stakes which just makes it so much worse. Not to mention the trouble I had in school was with homework and research, and that's all my final course is.

Besides what's the point. I just. God. My brain is on full overdrive all the time, and I need more support and care when is comes to my autism, but it's hard for people to see. Not like people seeing would do much to fuckin fix it. I don't have money to throw at my problems. Which is so lovely since money is my biggest fuckin problem in the first place.

And I'm being a fuckin horrible cat dad on top of all of it. I can't find the clippers for my poor kitty's claws and she keeps getting them stuck on things and scratching things she shouldn't. And it'll be to hard to even look for the clippers with how bad of a mess the house is. The amount of trash that needs taken out along with the amount of laundry that needs done is just absurd and insurmountable. Her litter box is pretty ripe too.

I'm also fuckin sick with what is probably covid so all I can do is sit around as my problems and what I should be doing run through my head while I hardly have the energy to hydrate myself. Oh wait I actually don't have the energy to do that and my boyfriend does it for me even though he is sicker than me because I just can't get it for myself no matter how unbearable it becomes.

Fuck man I don't even know where to start when it comes to fixing everything.

Not to mention the constant ticker of the money I inherited from my dad's death running out. Christ man I'm in my early 20s and I have inheritance money from my dad and bladder control issues. What in the absolute living hellscape is my life.

Plus despite having 2 different fuckin therapists therapy seems to be working less and less for me.

[getmylife]

T-70 Days to Moving

Completed September 7 2023

So great news! The tiles are here, the windows have been ordered and the doors are being chosen. It should take about three weeks to tile and by then the windows should have arrived and so that can start right away.

The contractor and the joiner should be meeting next week, God willing and so we'll be able to start working on bathroom cabinets and bedroom closets. I'm getting my bed custom made for extra storage so that meeting should get the ball rolling for all of that. #Den

The issue I've been having is that the new house has lost its shiny glow. I've been thinking of it as this Promised Land TM, where life will just be better, which, objectively, is true. Our neighbours will be few and far between so I'll feel more comfortable going out in the yard and I'll get both fresh air and sunshine. I'll have my own space and some more control over my belongings and my routines and so my mind will be clearer. I'll have easy access to my instruments and the internet will be faster and self care activities will become a lot easier. My periods will be more comfortable because of the privacy I'll have. There are so many benefits that will come with moving.

Yet, I'm still going to be me. I'm still intrinsically flawed. I'm still going to have to work on treating myself and others with kindness. I'm going to have to put fail safes in place for the low energy and low mood days. I'm still going to have to keep seeing a psychiatrist. I'm still going to be struggling with figuring out who I am and what I believe and where I'm going. I'm still going to battle with anxiety and depression and ADHD. These are still going to be my struggles.

The realization of this has dampened my excitement a bit, but I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it's more realistic than pessimistic and it will save me from the disappointment waiting for me if I hadn't thought this over more objectively. I can't imagine how devastating it would be to get there and then have this realization. #Notes

It's also helped me be a bit more proactive. I can't wait to get there to start living and improving. I was seriously going to wait til I got there to start seeing a therapist. I'm glad I didn't wait. My next appointment is scheduled for next week. I've been thinking about some of the stuff we talked about the last time and I'm over most of the shame of feeling like I overshared (like that isn't what you're literally supposed to do...smh). #Soul

I've also been doing some recommended reading: The Four Agreements; A Scattered Mind; and The Self-Compassion Workbook. The last two have been kind of overwhelming in terms of length for me right now and my attention span, but I'm taking it all one page at a time. I doubt that I'll be done with all three by the next time we meet, but I'd like to be done with the Four Agreements. That is the one that has been resonating the most with me. #Quotes

My health has been okay lately. Mostly just dizziness and lack of appetite to think about. I'm definitely dehydrated though. This heat has been wicked. I need to find some form of physical activity though: something light and easy and mindless. Walking is not for me, but I need to figure something out and soon. #Bones

I've not found a replacement for myself for my lessons yet and so I'm thinking of keeping one student. I don't know that she'd work well with just anyone and my other two should be fine without me. #World

This week I've not been writing like I'd like to, but I did put out a two liner that has been gaining traction on the Tumblr TM. That will always be so validating to me, getting notes on pieces I'm proud of. My WIP is not close to being done. I've been gunning to finish it by December, but at the rate I'm going it doesn't look great, especially since I also wanted to write a short story to put out during Christmas. We'll see how it goes especially since I'm taking the whole of next month off. #Pen

My #Skills and #Thrills life have been kinda dry. Although, I did go out for icecream with a cousin this week. That was fun. It was nice seeing him after so long.

My music has not gone anywhere in a long time, but my DuoLingo is going strong so yayyy. #Tones

[thatsnotloki]

Now what?

Crossposted from Wordpress.

So, you’ve come to the conclusion that the spirit you thought was helpful, isn’t. Good! This is an excellent starting point. Now what to do you do about it?

This is a hard and often frightening place to be, standing on the edge of your past and realizing that you have spent so much time– maybe even decades– focused on feeding your energy into a spirit that is not only different than you thought it was but actively malicious. But all is not lost. There are things you can do to cut yourself off from that which is hurting you and begin to heal.

It’s okay to freak out.

If ever there were a time to be “going through it”, this is it. Spiritual crises, dark nights of the soul, they happen to all of us for a variety of reasons. You will get through this. Let yourself feel what you need to feel, just don’t put yourself or anyone else in harm’s way while you’re processing these big feelings. You will come out the other side.

Write or make art or do music about what you’re experiencing. Get it out, don’t bottle it up.

Don’t use names.

If you happen to have used a name– any name at all, including titles you made up– for the spirit that did you harm, practice unnaming it. Avoid speaking or thinking a name in reference to it. Make it so unimportant in your mind as to be unworthy of any specific reference.

This will take practice and time. It might be extremely hard to do. That’s okay. Keep working at reframing your world to exclude that thing on all fronts.

Cleaning is your friend.

You’ve decided that it’s time to clean house spiritually and you can help yourself do that by cleaning house physically. Go gently but consistently about the work of cleaning.

Fresh air, clean water, sunshine, fresh food, and body movement are all going to be essential in the days and weeks to come. They’ll help you stay grounded and centered.

Rituals for spiritual cleansing will be sprinkled throughout this blog.

Don’t leave the front door open.

If you want to keep your house safe, you’ll close the front door and maybe lock it. The same goes for spiritual concerns.

Do you remember, long ago, reading about grounding, cleansing, centering and shielding in meditation? If it is psychologically safe for you to meditate in a guided fashion, then this is the time to start doing those basic, guided exercises every single day.

Instructions for additional basic wards and safety precautions will be included throughout this blog.

Consult a professional.

A vetted and reliable diviner who does not know you or your situation should be consulted to confirm what type of spirit you are being harmed by, how to remediate it, and if your remediation is effective. Pay them appropriately. Don’t just take the words of some rando online. Also, I do not do this kind of divination so don’t ask.

Pastoral counseling for polytheists exists. Furthermore, chaplains of all stripes should be trained to keep their traps shut on matters of theology– their job is to listen rather than to convert. Therefore, if you cannot find a polytheist chaplain who is able to give you counsel, you may be able to find a nondenominational chaplain who might do the same. Seek these people in your area. Talk to them about your feelings. You are not alone.

Should you feel your efforts toward removing the negative spirit from your life are insufficient, then consult a professional spirit worker who does not know you or follow your same religious tradition. Ask them for help. Pay them appropriately.

Sometimes, harmful spirits can lead us to some really dark places or cause illness. Set up an appointment with your doctor or a therapist if you need one. Don’t delay medical treatment when working to aid the physical (and, yes, your brain is physical) is so often vital for healing the spiritual.

Pray.

There is no wrong time to seek the gods. Arguably, the best time to seek Them is when you are being harassed by something that wishes you harm.

If you cannot or do not want to look to the gods, then ground your prayers in the world. Look for local land spirits and cultivate a relationship with them. Look to your ancestors (of blood or choice, both are vital) and seek their support.

When you are praying to any of these spirits, be extremely specific in Who you are referring to. Learn the scientific or chemical names of plants or minerals. Learn your ancestors’ middle names. Learn the bynames and titles of gods. Know Who you are trying to reach.

Remember that praying doesn’t have to look like kneeling before an altar. It can be dancing, hiking, painting, sewing, cooking, working– you have endless options.

Do something completely different.

What is the routine you had around the harmful spirit? Do the opposite.

If you made daily offerings to it at a formal altar, then dismantle that altar and cleanse your space. Rearrange the room if you must. Throw away those altar components. Move your worshipful actions to a new location, use new prayers, make new tools.

If you only ever made informal offerings when prompted at random places, then set up a specific, warded sacred space for in which to do your devotions in the same way every time, maybe even on a schedule.

These are just 2 broad examples. You can certainly think of a hundred ways to shake up your habits and try something entirely new to help cut ties with the harmful spirit.

[maehem-1]

One thing that really frustrates me is that, due to the personality I've cultivated with my irl friends, it's really hard for me to be serious or ever really get them to be supportive when I need it. The only times I really get serious is when someone *else* needs support. I'm the team therapist, it feels like. People trust me with their problems, but I find it hard to do the same. Like, I was talking about some people I'd lost in the pandemic and when I was finished they had the same energy as if I told a joke that didn't land. Not the same sort of response that anyone else would have gotten.

Even when I do get a serious, somewhat supportive response, it feels lackluster. I text some variant of "hey, can I vent," and maybe get a response in 2-3 hours. After I've already:

a) stewed for an unhealthy and/or dangerous amount of time,

or

b) handled myself already

It's frustrating. I already have a hard time trusting people with this kind of stuff, which, mind you, they don't have a problem laying on me. And when I do get a response it feels lackluster. Basically it amounts to "damn that sucks, I hope you feel better" between various pauses of waiting for them to respond.

Like, when I talk to someone in this sort of scenario, there's a sort of process. You gotta validate their feelings. Ask questions. Avoid making it about yourself, but try to relate to their problems if you can. Ask if they're looking for advice. If yes: give the best advice you can. Ye gods anything but just saying "I'm sorry :(" repeatedly. Like, I really try to avoid holding people to my personal standards but please, I'd appreciate a little bit of, if you've nothing else to offer, some gods damned variety. And Jesus Christ, don't try to change the subject unprompted, JULIAN. I know you want to talk about yourself, we can all tell.

Like, I can understand not really knowing how to deal with this stuff, and since I do people gravitate towards my help, but c'mon. How do you think I got here? If someone you care about is looking to you for support you don't know how to give, YOU FIND OUT HOW TO GIVE IT! I DID IT FOR ALL OF YOU! WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND?

Like, my shit isn't even as heavy as some shit I put up with. Just like, some (watered down for consumption) dysphoria, a sprinkling of religious trauma (the conversation wasn't even really about the trauma) and that one time with the pandemic losses. Those are the things I've tried to vent about, a combined 5-7 times in all my years of knowing the lot of em. Never twice in a row to the same person, months apart, while making sure to maintain friendly, polite conversations in the meantime so I'm not a burden. I get bombarded with much heavier shit much more frequently and I'm expected to grin and bear it. I won't air out *what* heavier shit, patient-doctor confidentiality n all. It all feels a little... Idek. Disproportionate.

I've mentioned how hard it is for me to open up about, well, anything. I wish they'd reciprocate a fraction of the amount of effort it takes me to actually put any of it on display, not to mention the amount of effort I put into providing the same service. I only do any of it because I know it will make me feel better in the long run, to open up. It should make me feel better. It's so frustrating that it's almost not worth the effort.

That's how it feels. Like I'm providing a service. Combination Entertainer/Therapist/Get-together Co-planner. Also makes Julienne Fries. Despite it all, nothing would change if I wasn't there. I'm nonessential to the dynamic, it feels like. An add-on. The only thing I really provide that's unique is a vent source, but to the overall group on the surface level I'm superfluous. It's like how, in a medieval town, for example, people would publicly shun the witch, but would make use of her services when they were desperate.

I feel isolated. I'm the only amab in our group, and I'm from a completely different background due to other circumstances. It feels like there's barely any common ground outside of "queers in a hostile environment".

They know I'm transfem, they respect me, but I definitely feel like me being amab, our only amab, has something to do with it, even though it's probably subconscious. I should be the rock, the wall, sturdy, stoic, whatever whatever so on so forth etc. That's what I tell myself, usually, so I have no doubt they believe the same on some level. But like, I want a shoulder to cry on too. I get overwhelmed so much lately. I recently learned about emotional burnout in my own personality type (Myers Briggs is quite outdated, I take it with a whole spoonful of salt) but the symptoms I read were 1 to 1 what I experience. I don't want to be the strong one anymore.

It's just. So frustrating. This is the only place I can use to get this off my chest, sorry.