#I should also find a therapist but GOD that’s energy I just do not have rn 😭

[hayanwulf]

Unreal Reality

There is only one wish realizable on the earth; only one thing that can be perfectly attained: Death.

Those were the words of RL Stevenson in his essay, El Dorado.

Of course, the good writer had known nothing of the Time Stone and its powers. Had he known, Stephen suspected, he would have never dared to spread such false statement.

To Stephen, death felt like a phenomenon that did not truly exist. Like having too much of one’s favorite color painting their bedroom, to the point that it no longer felt special as a color. Like a word being uttered over and over and over again until it had lost all its meaning, until it didn’t even sound like a human language anymore.

That was what death had become, for Stephen. Unreal.

And it had also become the only reality of his existence.

So, as he sat in this strange establishment’s kitchen, holding a tea in his hands that had long since gone cold, he wondered, why hadn’t death come to him yet?

Should be dead, his mind kept repeating like a mantra. He was sure that it had been too long since he’d died. He should be dead again. Yet, it didn’t even hurt a little bit. Something was off. Something was seriously wrong.

He looked around, expecting to find a landscape of dark matter and rotten energies; yet all he found there was a kitchen. No, that wasn’t normal. How was he here? Maybe it was just a trick to deceive his mind.

But a trick meant that a blow would follow; it always did. Every time he was tricked, hurt followed shortly after.

Yet, as he stood there, scanning around, waiting for stakes to spear him through the heart, or flames of purple to consume him, or magic trapping him in shackles inconceivable to even himself, absolutely nothing followed. The landscape stood frozen, eerily silent, his beating heart the only sound audible in his ears.

It wasn’t supposed to be this peaceful. Peaceful was wrong.

Stephen’s heart raced, unease bubbling in his chest. Because this wasn’t right, it wasn’t how things were supposed to be. He was supposed to be suffering, dying.

Is this just another trick? His frayed mind wondered. Was that what Dormammu was doing, now? Driving him mad in anticipation of when and where the next blow would come from? Keep him on edge indefinitely, until he had lost his mind?

Fear curdled in Stephen’s gut. He could not exist this way. This was new. This was unpredictable. This wasn’t familiar.

Footsteps echoed just outside the kitchen’s door, and Stephen whipped his head to it, magic ready at his fingertips, just in time as a figure strode in.

The being was not a native creature of the Dark Dimension, Stephen could immediately tell it was another human, like himself. He frowned even as he loosened his hold on his magic; humans were not supposed to be here in the Dark Dimension.

The being seemed to scrutinize Stephen carefully, and then spoke after a moment in a voice that felt way too familiar, “You’re not in the Dark Dimension anymore, Stephen.”

The words swiped the floor from under Stephen, as memories came back to him. Memories of the successful bargain with Dormammu, memories of returning to Earth, of rebuilding The Order with Wong.

Wong.

His face heated at the realization that he hadn’t even recognized his friend there for a moment.

He looked down at the cold tea that sat on the table, and more understanding came back to him. Tea, kitchen, hunger, thirst, Sanctum, human things.

Human things.

He closed his eyes as he slowly sank back into his chair, burying his face in his hands.

His life felt so unreal, to the point that only death truly felt real. And yet, death wasn’t something attainable.

Or, was it?

God, he didn’t even know anymore.

“Stephen,” Wong said.

Stephen didn’t bother extricating his face from his hands. “Just leave. I’m back. I haven’t gone insane. Your job is done.”

Wong entirely ignored him. “I brought company.”

Irritation flared in his chest. Great; another master-cum-therapist for him to talk with. He was just about done with Wong’s attempts at trying to fix him. He looked up, ready to throw a couple of scathing remarks at whomsoever it may concern—

He froze when he saw the figure that stood by the kitchen doorframe. Because he could be subjected to death for centuries, he could be broken over and over again until he didn’t even remember his own name, he could forget any and all things about himself and what made him human, but he could never, in a million lifetimes, forget that man.

Tony.

The genius seemed like he was trying to look dispassionate, but the stricken lines around his eyes and brows betrayed what he truly felt. One hand in his pocket, the other resting against the doorframe, warm brown eyes were fixed on Stephen.

“Y’know, I had a whole speech of cuss words ready for when I’d see you,” Tony huffed, entering the kitchen with slow, steady steps. At the same time Wong moved out of their space. “But you look, truly and utterly, like shit.”

Stephen stood up, entranced by Tony as he walked closer and closer, until he was in Stephen’s space.

He might have difficulty recalling a great deal of things from his.. old life, which seemed centuries ago now, but one thing he could still recall vividly was the last argument they’d had. The look of utter hurt and betrayal in Tony’s eyes as Stephen had taken their marriage vows and tossed them in the trash bin with no care.

Stephen could never forget that look.

Tony raised a hand to Stephen’s temple, gentle fingers tracing over the small scar left there, and oh, the tender touch melted Stephen until he was nothing but raw emotions. He leaned into the touch, and Tony responded, cradling his head with a softness Stephen hadn’t thought he’d ever get to experience again.

“What have you done?” Tony whispered.

His vision grew blurry and emotions clogged his throat. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a broken sob.

Tony pulled him into a hug. Stephen immediately clung to him, to his safety, his warmth, his familiarity. Tony wrapped his arms firmly around him, pressing their bodies impossibly close.

“For the record, I’m still mad at you,” Tony murmured near his ear. “But we’ll table that for some other day. Right not I’m going to make you risotto and you will eat it.”

Stephen didn’t deserve this man.

[whomadewaffles]

Some pjhazel incorrect quotes I've been saving for awhile...I feel like with how starved for content shippers of these two are right now, keeping these to myself would be a crime. I'm SO sorry for not citing sources. I wasn’t originally planning to post these, and finding them retroactively is like.. impossible.

Pjhazel is the focus, but others are included as side characters. So if you don't ship them, then just scroll on by and go about your day, please!

Also, for a heads up that will apply to all 3 parts: expect bad language and sex references cos obviously.

Oh, and this is part 1 of 3, even if it is the longest part

Long post under the cut!

_______

Josie: You slept with Hazel? OUR Hazel? Callahan??

Pj: I didn't know what else to do! She had those big, sad eyes. I couldn't help it.

Josie: ...sure, sounds like you had no other choice.

--------

Pj: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or sarcastic and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

--------

Hazel, jumping out of pj's closet: BOO!

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj:

Hazel: *makes the patented Hazel callahan sad face*

Pj: Ahh! Oh my god! You scared me!

------

Hazel: TERRIBLE NEWS!

Pj: Did you disarm the bomb?

Hazel: If I disarmed it, would I come running in here and shout, TERRIBLE NEWS!?

------

Pj: hazel, you are such a nerdy little dork, you can't pull any girl.

Hazel * has been crushing on her since they met*: okay. that's fine.

*2 years later*

Hazel: so what did you say? Repeat that again.

Pj: 🤡

--------

Pj: It has come to my attention, that I have some unresolved feelings or resentment toward my father.

Therapist: a little late, but I’m happy you’ve taken this first step. Now you can start looking to overcome that.

Pj: Already done. I’ve found a full proof solution…I’m going to ignore it. Completely and utterly.

Pj: just like my dad did me.

--------

Pj: the secret to being impulsive successfully is being faster than the consequences of your actions. you can't let them catch you or its all over

Annie: is that why everytime Hazel even looks at you since you kissed her you run away like a little bitch?

-------

Pj *trying everything she can to kiss hazel again without just admitting she likes her like a normal healthy person*: Hey, are you aware that kissing reduces stress?

Hazel: Okay.

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj: Hey, you look stressed. Like, really stressed. Just wanted to let you know.

--------

Hazel: It’s not that I don’t trust pj, I just... don’t trust her impulse control

-------

Hazel: None of you might remember this, but there was a time when PJ considered herself out of my league.

Hazel: Oh, how the mighty have fallen (into my arms)

------

Hazel *trying to teach her girlfriend how to take better notes in class*: to make it easier, you should always highlight the important things

*later*

Annie: Hazel, why are you covered in different colored highlighter?

Hazel: don't ask

Pj: she's important! okay!?

-------

Hazel: I'm freaking out, How do I make our first date really romantic?

Stella-Rebecca: Be mysterious.

Hazel: Okay!

*later, while on a date with pj* 

Pj: So where are we going?

Hazel: None of your fucking business.

Pj *is shocked and a little turned on* 😳

-------

Pj: Yeah, I lost the ability to give a shit at a very young age. It was a very tragic accident. Never recovered

------

Pj: *on the phone with josie* I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl shit.

Josie: You’re pulling Oreos apart and shaving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren’t you?

Pj: Maybe.

-----

Pj: I love you.

Hazel: I thought I annoyed you?

Pj: You do annoy me. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating moment with you.

--------

Pj: Im tired

Hazel: You should come to the gym with me! We could make it a date and exercising gives you energy!

Pj: Yeah, the same energy you need to go to the gym

Pj: Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

------

Pj *texting*: I'm showering

Hazel *texting back*: oh nice, send a pic of you're hair in a giant spike lmao!

--------

Pj: rest assured, rational me and impulsive me are having a fucking smackdown 24/7 100% of the time

-----

Hazel: Please, this is the 4th time its happened, I'm begging you go to a doctor.

Pj: I'm sorry is this OUR broken nose? Stay out of it.

------

Pj: I asked Hazel out.

Britney: Oh, I’m sorry.

Pj: Why?

Brittney: Well, I assume she said no.

Pj: No, she said yes.

Brittney: Really? Then I’m sorry for her.

-------

Pj: Shout out to my girlfriend who just randomly decided to eat my chapstick.

Hazel: WHY WOULD THEY MAKE IT COTTON-CANDY FLAVORED IF IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE EATEN?!

--------

Pj: You're annoying.

Hazel *in her head*: Enemies to lovers, slowburn, angst with happy ending, 300k+ words

------

Pj: I win

Hazel: I am literally pinning you down

Pj: I know

-----

Hazel: So sorry for making you fall in love with me because of my autistic swag and kissable lips.

--------

Pj: *Drinking a bottle of water*

Josie: Since when do you carry water? I've known you my whole life and you never do that.

Pj: Hazel freaked out ‘cause I told her I never drink water

Pj: Now she’s making me drink 8 glasses a day

Pj: It’s like, there’s water in soda, coffee, the little pools of water on pizza…

Isabel: …That’s grease

Pj: Well it’s wet isn’t it!

-------

Hazel: You're in love with me?

Pj: Unless you're not in love with me. Then I take it back, because, you know... I'm cool.

-------

Pj: You are an absolute fucking dork.

Hazel *singing*: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Pj *happy sigh*: Yeah, you're my dork.

--------

Pj: I'm a very good liar.

Josie: Yesterday, I asked if you were missing  hazel while she was gone, and you said "no" right before bursting into tears.

--------

[neathdarkwcters]

🫖 wed, jan 8

sleep :: 7h 47m

body :: 6661 steps (whoa), took all my vitamins, only 44 oz of water

reading :: 1 hour from Ghost Map

meditation :: nope

emotions on HWF today :: 1 high neg, 1 low pos

reflection :: oh my god therapy was crazy but in a good way. that combined with having my schedule SOLIDIFIED put me in such a good mood. now i just have to focus on my studies and keep my brain from melting!! i always find i can focus in the morning, but not the afternoon, i almost get jittery or hyper. anyone else have advice on dealing with excess energy? i do small bits of stretching and yoga as directed by my physical therapist, but maybe i should take up running before i study too? i also took some photos with my research group of our area.. i'm hesitant to post them, but maybe I can find other things and remember to take photos for my posts! i also plan to take paper notes for my herp class, so i'll def take photos of my desk & notes i think

[system-of-a-feather]

The thing about how my brain works due to how we learned to survive our childhood - specifically the stupid high pressure put in drastically different ways from both my oldest sister, parents, and society - that I appreciate but always find exhausting is just...

I don't really "get tired" or get "burnt out" or get "too stressed" so long as there is something stressful, confusing, difficult, a problem, etc to be worked on because stress and uncertainty keep me "activated" and my brain feeds off of that to feel engaged. As long as there is a stressor that doesn't immediately make me feel like I am going to die, I am often happiest when stressed and thus, as my trauma therapist in college would say, I'm addicted to being miserable.

And so like... possible new and better job started to organize itself meaning I can probably get a good idea of where I am going to be in February / March which lets me start to plan the details of 2024 and thus removes a lot of the antsy-ness of having to wait. It also means I can stop worrying about my current job and appealing to them too much or what not. And the second opinion I got for top surgery went stellarly so that huge stressor is basically completely and rapidly nerfed. PhD applications are basically done and its just a matter of waiting for responses / requests for interviews

Like.... most of my key issues that I was juggling at once all just kinda mostly tappered off and it's like.... yay, free time, less stress awesome we love it

But honestly, its only now that there is time and space to relax a bit does the sheer fatigue and burn out hit me like a tsunami and I'm just like "ughhhhhhh maybe I should find more problems" and I have to bonk myself on the head.

As long as I'm stressed I can postpone the "energy loan sharks" from noticing I am capable of paying my loans but god damn do I not wanna pay the spoon bank back cause it suckkksss

But ya know, its the healthy thing to do so Ill do it anyways but ugh.

Also I always forget how much I juggle at once solely to keep myself engaged in life cause I just... do it and dont think about it much

[eliaskahtri]

Oh God Not You Again || Elias & Gael

TIMING: Late September

LOCATION: Downtown Wicked’s Rest

PARTIES: Elias (@eliaskahtri) & Gael (@lithium-argon-wo-l-f)

SUMMARY: Elias arrives back in town, only to run into the one face he dreaded the most. 

CONTENT WARNINGS: None

It had been a few months, but Elias finally felt like he had his head back on his shoulders. Sure, there was nothing like a brief respite and throwing oneself head-first back into work to do the trick. He had gone home, sought a therapist, and returned to work. After the incident with, well… faeries. He had been reassured that everything was in his head, and the medication would help him feel right as rain again. Still, the dread bubbled in his chest as he drove into town, the sunny day throwing off what ELias felt should have been a dreary, awful day.

Finally, they had made it to Wicked’s Rest. After an agonizingly long car ride from Santa Barbara, California, to Wicked’s Rest, Maine, Elias got out of his car outside of what was now his apartment. Smack in the middle of the heart of downtown, thanks to his assistant, Naya. Naya exited her car behind him, her excitement visible on her face. “I haven’t been home in so long!” She exclaimed as she clapped her hands together, then threw her arms around him and into a hug. 

Elias went rigid at the contact. He didn’t do hugs, not anymore. Ever since he first told Naya that he had accepted the position in Wicked’s Rest, he felt nothing but dread. There were people he had left behind, people he’d rather not see. Awkwardly returning the hug briefly, Elias pulled away and looked above the shop to see where his apartment was. “Fully furnished, so you don’t have to worry about moving in and buying anything,” Naya spoke as she handed over his key. “And I’m across the hall, so if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.” She shot him a smile before taking a step back toward her car. “And if you don’t mind, I will say hi to my family.” She grinned, unable to contain her excitement, as she let out a giddy scream before hopping back into her car. 

As Naya drove off, Elias felt all of the remaining energy he had to leave his body. He didn’t want to be here. But he also couldn’t tell his assistant no to the possibility of being able to move home and be with her family. A people pleaser until the end, that’s what he was. Staring down at the key in his hand, he screwed up his face before turning to look down the street. He wasn’t ready to go inside yet. 

Still, if he waited around in the heart of downtown, he was bound to run into someone he didn’t want to see– and that’s when he saw him. Gael walked right toward him. Elias glanced around and suddenly found that he was desperate to see how quickly he could open the door to the stairs that would bring him to his apartment. Taking advantage of not being recognized, he desperately wiggled the handle to the stairwell.

Then, he heard that familiar voice. Shit. How was he going to explain himself? Hey man! I know we had this brief thing or whatever, but then I had a complete mental breakdown that left me feeling like I was one move away from a permanent hotel California situation, so I fled in the middle of the night. Never mind, I just left a note that said, “I’m not safe here anymore,” and left. Haha! Funny, right? Elias glared at the door handle that had betrayed him and slowly turned himself around, every movement of his feet like it physically pained him to do so. “Hello.” He said in a clipped, awkward tone. “Funny seeing you here.” He pointed at the door. “Door sticks,” he said flatly, the normally chipper man completely devoid of emotion.

There was a lot on the professor’s mind nowadays, between the last set of full moons, his subsequent conversations with select people, the nagging ideas in his brain that woke him up more frequently than usual and now, most recently and suddenly, a familiar scent that filled his distracted senses as he left the apartment of one of his acquaintances he had gotten to know recently. Gael, briefly standing in the hall like a weirdo, turned his head slowly as he inhaled slowly, deeply. That smelled like…

No, it wasn’t. It couldn’t have been. Elias was on the other side of the country again or… so Gael presumed. He’d been absently keeping up with the engineer’s endeavors after that cryptic letter left on his kitchen counter months ago, about how he had been making groundbreaking steps in the bioengineering and prosthetics world. Naturally, he was happy for the man but at the same time, he kept thinking about that letter. It was one sentence, only five words, but Gael was having trouble not being able to understand its meaning. But despite feeling like he understood the meaning, Elias was gone and Gael had accepted that. It didn’t make him feel less guilty, though, thinking about how one day he moved in and they– Gael had made mistakes, he knew that. He made mistakes and Elias was suddenly gone and the professor felt as though that might’ve been for the best, especially considering the things he himself had learned since then. About… He wondered how much of it really mattered as Gael’s tired, dark eyes found the tall man struggling to… open a door. Seemed about right. Wordlessly at first, Gael approached the familiar man where he didn’t stare up at him with a furrowed brow for very long before he glanced at the door Elias seemed to be having trouble with. “Yeah, that one in particular is really bad about it.” He motioned to it, not entirely untruthful but it wasn’t that difficult. “Need… any help?”

—

Everything in Elias screamed to run away, to do anything to escape the uncomfortable experience that was standing near Gael. He and Regan were the two people he was hoping to avoid, but something told him that that wouldn’t happen in this town. He shook his head at the shorter man’s offer to help, deciding to slam his shoulder into the door, which did absolutely nothing. And great, now his shoulder screamed in pain. He made a face as he let a hiss escape through his lips. “That… was supposed to work.” He muttered, finally giving up on the stuck door to look at Gael. He looked tired, but that much wasn’t all that new.

“Uh.” He said rather eloquently, crossing his arms over his chest as he schooled his anxiety to appear calm and collected. “Surprise? I… moved back.” He jabbed his thumb in the direction of the stuck door. “Apartment’s upstairs. Should have kept my assistant around to open it.” He nodded his head slowly, gaze drifting anywhere but at Gael. It helped that he was short and Elias could just look straight ahead. 

The energy between the two was uncomfortable. There was no denying it. Elias turned to the door that had betrayed him, now forcing him to conversate with the man he once considered a very close friend. And, well… maybe not anymore. He had kind of burned many bridges on his way out of town. “I, well.” He scratched at the back of his head, his nervous tick reappearing. “I was offered a research position at the local hospital.” He finally explained, kicking at a pebble near his foot. “My assistant is from here, and I would have felt bad telling her no, so… here I am.” He raised his hands in the air as he shrugged, still avoiding looking Gael in the eyes.

All those months later and he was still as easy to read as before. Then again, since he was just as easy to read as before - and especially since Gael had since grown accustomed to the little nuances in a voice and especially hearing the heartbeat of whoever he was talking to, the professor figured that this was going to be an awkward reunion, to say the least. He wasn’t a stranger to people drifting away over the years; his old college friends, the ones he grew up with, work buddies and lab partners, it was simply impossible to keep up with every single one of them, not to mention some of them likely decided to either start entirely over with a new set of friends, but some of them might not’ve done that but just opted to cut out the negative influences in their life. Gael knew that he had been that way to a few people, as aspects of his past could never quite leave him weren’t healthy to anyone. He had worked to move past those and he certainly didn’t fault anyone for thinking that he could serve as a negative influence. He tended to treat old faces the same, though, for better or for worse; it was awkward, but Gael wasn’t mean, or at least he certainly tried not to be. He didn’t fault Elias for leaving for whatever reason, just like he didn’t fault him for coming back once he had an opportunity to do so. “Well, that’s good!” He said with a small smile. “I mean, good that you got a good position.” He paused, easily noticing that Elias was purposefully avoiding eye contact with him so he motioned to the door again. “You should try shouldering into it again, that really worked the first time.” He joked lightly, trying to gauge a reaction before ultimately deciding that Elias probably wanted nothing to do with him anymore and to just… exist in the same town. Gael could do that.

—

Elias wanted to melt into the cracks of the sidewalk and slide away. He wanted to be anywhere else, but there he was, running into the one person he had been hoping to avoid. Despite himself, he still found him letting out a bark of laughter as Gael insisted he fling himself into the door again. He turned to look at Gael, sizing him up playfully. “Well, if you’re so keen on making fun of me, why don’t you try?” He stepped to the side of the door, gesturing towards the door in a dramatic flourish. As much as he wanted to be uncomfortable, Gael just found a way of making him feel at ease. Still, there was a hint of discomfort that Elias was actively trying to combat.

“I started seeing things after the murder happened.” Elias began to explain, eyes dropping to his feet. “And when I started seeing these things, I thought faeries were real.” He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “And that’s when I decided to seek help from a professional.” He gave a flat smile. Lips pressed together in a thin line. “So now I’m… better. Better enough to be here without screaming, anyway.” Elias paused, face turning thoughtful. “Well, maybe a good scream now and again,” he decided.

“I was in such a bad state that I thought I was in danger and that people would come after me.” He rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a terse sigh. He remembered the state he was in, the fear that coursed through his body as he shakily wrote that note to Gael before running out the door that night. He felt bad about it but knew he would do it again if things went down the same course. “I’m sorry for running away instead of saying something.” He finally said, able to look up and meet Gael’s eyes. The smile that had graced Gael’s angled face when Elias had momentarily shifted back into that sense of familiarity between the two of them softened, then slightly faltered as the taller man started to explain what had happened and why he left so abruptly in further detail. And as he spoke, about how he started experiencing hallucinations and how fairies were real, Gael understood where the man was coming from. He’d been there, once, himself. Some days, he argued he was still there, on the edge, just waiting for someone to just… push him off of it entirely.

Ever since he moved, around the start of the summer, things had escalated far quicker than they should’ve, in multiple ways. He met so many people, became privy to so much knowledge about things that he had spent 40 years of his life believing were firmly fictional. He’d seen things that he couldn’t even dream about, had learned with Regan that his own hearing and smell, the things he himself thought were auditory and phantosmia hallucinations, weren’t just him making things up and hearing what he thought wasn’t there. Gael never struggled to find an identity for himself in the feeling of being special or unique like that.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Gael replied with a small shrug of one of his shoulders. “I’m… I know I didn’t help as much as I should’ve and I’m… sorry for how I acted before.” The confidence in his tone faltered and his body language reflected some of the guilt that he’d long since compartmentalized and processed appropriately though it, like, many things, tended to linger when their memory came up. “I don’t blame you for what you did; this town is… weird.” That was putting it lightly.

“And I don’t mean to, like, know that you’re back and insert myself into your life.” The professor continued, now reaching for the door and resting a calloused hand on the handle. “I get that things are… well, y’know, different now but I just wanted to drop by, say ‘hi’ and that…” Gael cleared his throat and he effortlessly pulled the door open for the taller man. He knew it had to be pulled the whole time. “If you ever need or want any help, I’m still your guy.”

[attackradish]

Hello my mental health is the worst it’s been all year. If not longer

I could verify this by going through my vent tag but I am not going to because that takes time. This trait of mine is part of the problem but I’m not in a place to fix that right now.

ANYWAYS why am I like this. I have some inklings as to why.

Work is now opening an hour sooner. Meaning I have to wake up earlier and I have been losing sleep as a result. This is not good for the Mental Health

Current drama with a coworker that I am not going to go into that because it’s complicated and rather stupid.

Today was supposed to be my Tax Day where I did my Taxes but I was hit by dread this morning so I didn’t get around to it until like 5PM and then realized I don’t have one of my W2 forms and I can’t go looking around for that because my dad will tell me how stupid I am and how I never care about anything and am doing this on purpose. And I actually can’t care about anything I feel, but it’s not like I’m not trying it’s just that I have no soul.

I cannot give my friends the attention they deserve. I am burnt out I have no energy left for being a friend and yet there are people who miss me. And I can’t be there often enough for them not to miss me. I am neglecting them and I am a terrible person but I need to be alone.

I really do feel that I have reached my full potential. There is simply not enough caring or gumption or whatever it is I’m missing in this body of mine to achieve anything further. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move out or date or even get a job I like better than DQ. I’m done being closeted in my parents house and I’m ready to quit early.

I can’t quit early. Firstoff I have friends who care about me, and I can’t imagine what it’d do to them. I’ve got a baby niece in the house too who smiles when she sees me so I gotta live for her too. And that’s not mentioning how difficult and impractical non-painful methods of dying are. Seriously. Best option I have is locking myself in the walk in freezer with a CO2 canister, but I learned from a cool book I read that high concentrations of CO2 will make you feel like you’re suffocating, and the best gas for that purpose is Nitrogen. Which costs money and is very conspicuous.

I also don’t want to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death really seems to be the only way out aside from Miracles like universal housing passing within the next year or two, or I attain Godhood and can just do as I please. I think about dying and it makes me want to cry. Being on the verge of tears for long periods of time really does something for my perception of my mental health, being that I haven’t been like this since the family dog died. Maybe crying would do me good.

I should probably get a therapist but I don’t have time or energy for my friends, scheduling these things takes time and effort and I don’t want to have to talk to my parents about it. I should probably get antidepressants. Also my laundry basket from yesterday isn’t even all the way filled up and it’s 9:58. And I have work tomorrow but no uniforms. God I just need to rest.

BUT HERE’S THE THING ABOUT REST. I’VE ALREADY HAD A WEEK OFF OF WORK BECAUSE OF THE FEVER. MY JOB IS UNDERSTAFFED AND I CANT MAKE THEM SUFFER THROUGH THAT AGAIN AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

Anyways I have been putting no effort into finding a place since like last year, or finding a therapist. Or really anything. I’m not sure if I can even do that. I have reached my limit. I’m simply not much substance. I’m nice to have around and talk to but quite frankly I don’t have it in me to actually survive on my own. I don’t have it in me to die either. So who knows what is going to happen. I’m going to rot forever. Dying a slow death with nothing but fantasy to dull the edges.

I have a friend who’s offered to let me crash at their place, but I can’t take them up on that offer because I’ll just be the same lifeless rock that I am. Forever. And I can’t do that to them. If I can’t break free on my own then I’m afraid I never will. My chrysalis will just stay gathering dust. Sapping resources. I need to grow wings but I don’t know if I can.

So here I remain. Closeted at my parent’s house. Probably forever. The brain does not engage. I’ve been dead for years but the body still breathes. This is all I am and it is not enough. I’m gonna pretend I live in Star Wars now until I forget the useless thing that I am. I have work tomorrow.

[rantceratops]

My anxiety is- so far -taken care of. Which is really awesome because it was consuming my life. But now that my anxiety isn’t occupying all my time, my depression is coming back to the forefront. Granted, the meds I’m taking also help with depression, so, I think they are helping with that to a degree. But, I’m still just... feeling so bored of everything. Sometimes I feel like I literally don’t have anything to do. At all. Nothing interests me, or else I know that if I start anything new and interesting I’ll suck at it and get discouraged. I’m already too timid to try things. It’s partly because I know I’ll suck at it and partly because it just can’t hold my damn interest for more than two seconds.

I feel like everything in life is a waste of time? Why should I try clay or keep drawing or find a new video game? Idk. I don’t feel suicidal I just feel bored. Like, extreme levels of bored. I was distracting myself with games real good for a while, but now I’m sick to death of that, and just, sitting in front of my computer all day doing the same thing every day gets old.

Why is it so hard to just... take care of myself or to find joy in things that I should like?

I’m hoping to god I don’t BECOME suicidal because of the meds or otherwise, but so far it’s been about a month and I feel fairly the same as usual about it.

I’m also just... isolating and avoiding so much. I can’t even talk to my friends. I’m so consumed with distracting myself or just can’t muster the energy to engage in conversation because, just like everything else, it doesn’t interest me. And I see how AWFUL that sounds. I love my friends! I don’t mean they’re not interesting, I just... god, I just can’t muster up the energy for anything other than trying to distract myself with games or youtube videos. It’s so isolating.

Nobody or nothing is really stopping me from talking, other than my messed up head. (I hate admitting this because it sounds so bad, but it’s just... I can’t even find the willpower or desire to respond or start a conversation even though in my heart I know I should and DO want to? It’s so weird to explain. But I just want to again say it’s not that... it’s not that my friends aren’t interesting or that I’m insinuating that they are supposed to entertain me, god no. It’s just like... everything that’s not a mind-numbing video game feels so difficult? -sigh- I hope what I’m trying to say is coming across.)

I will try to put this all into better words for my therapist and let her know it’s bothering me.

In some ways, I’m doing way better (the anxiety), but in others I’m... about the same or only slightly better (the depression). I’m not complaining though, I feel way better, even if I still have some bad moments and bad days.

I think I just have to do more to help the medicine and my therapy help me; I can’t just take the medicine and talk to my therapist and expect it to help me manage my mental illness without me changing things and/or acting on things, etc. I have to help it along.

[bubbleonice]

Twin flame reading:

This is a general twinflame reading. If this does not resonnate to you or the couple you’re thinking of, then it is not your reading. I’ll do another twinflame reading next week where you will be able to choose piles. As for now, please enjoy this one. I have pull some cards for the masculine energy and cards for the feminine energy. We are talking about energies here, so for same sex couples, one represents the Male and the other the Female.

Masculine energy:

Thank God/ Reach Out/ Take No Offence/ Give More/ Rise and Shine

Our masculine is praying everyday to reunite with their other half. He misses the feminine energy so much. The F is in his mind constantly and he wants nothing more but to reach out. But he is offended. He is hurt. Something the F has been doing has hurt him tremendously. He was about to reach out and give more, he was determinded to. He dreamt of the moment when you can rise and shine together again.

Past-life relationship / Religious factors/ express your love/ finances and career / retreat

The M soul remembers his pastlife with the F soul. There has been connection from past relationships which still has an imprint in this life. Some religious factors has been an issue here. Maybe incidents connected to a religion that has made an impact. The M wants the F to express her love. Why is she not expressing her love? Does she not love me anymore? There’s also an issue in terms of finances and career. Maybe the M doesn’t feel adaquat to compare himself to the F. In the end he gets insecure and retreats.

Willingness: the M is willing to compromise if the end result is love. But he is not sure this is what the F wants. He also says, I am willing to manifest my thoughts and transform them into the acts of love if you let me.

The Masuline’s message to his Feminine. ❤️don’t make decisions based on guilt or what you think you should do, for it is only in being true to yourself that you can be true to others.

Feminine energy:

Speak with Love/ Open your heart/ Be courageous/ say Yes/ seek an expert

The feminine wants the M to speak with love. Talk to me, tell me you love me. Open your heart. Don’t shut me out. Be courageous, I only need to hear you say it. Say yes to us. Seems like the M is not willing to admit to his F where he stands. And the M is unsure where his F stands and misinterpreting her all the time. The F is saying, just say it, tell me it’s me you want. She also tells him to seek an expert. Get help. Sort yourself out. Go find a therapist. Or go to rehab. Pull yourself together.

Chemistry/ Children / Honeymoon/ Flirt / Worth waiting for

The F feels the chemistry. From day 1 she felt it. She wants children, she wants the honeymoon, she wants the flirting and everything that comes with a relationship. She just need the M to say it. She says I am worth waiting for, I know I messed up in the past, but I am yours. Don’t shut me out. Let me in.

Individuality: you leave your unique stamp of love on everything you do. And you value everyone’s unique perspective on the path to love.

The feminine’s message to her Masculine: ❤️criticising one another will only lead to further unhappiness. Embrace me. When we past from this world we take nothing with us but our souls and the memories we have shared. Come back to me.

This is a short reading for twinflames. I wish I could make a video or an audio, it would be easier to explain each card so much better. And it would be easier to tell the twinflames story. I might consider it. But for now, this is the September twinflame reading❤️

[lastoneout]

Seconding the don't do yoga thing, almost every doctor who has seen how hypermobile I am has outright told me to never do yoga. You do not want to increase your flexibility, and yoga is designed for bodies that are healthy and thus it doesn't account for people who are already dangerously flexible, so it's very possible that you will hurt yourself hyperextending your joints which will do far more harm than good in the long run. You really do not want to be hyper extending your joints. (Yes, even as a party trick.)

Something they don't always tell you about EDS/hypermobility spectrum disorder is if you've had it your whole life you probably don't actually know when you're hyperextending because your body is very bad at letting you know what too far is. You don't have pain when you bend like other people would, and your joints will happily go until they can't even if they really shouldn't. I have to adjust almost every stretch I've learned to do because I have to push myself so much farther than the diagrams just to feel the stretch at all, and by then I'm in hyperextension territory. I have knee braces specifically because despite years of trying in PT I was never able to successfully remember where to hold my knees when standing so I wasn't hurting them. The correct position felt really unnatural after decades of hyperextension so to prevent further damage I wear knee braces when I'm going to be standing for a while that make it so I can't hyperextend even if I wanted to. Plus they protect my joints in other ways, they're pretty great. Don't be scared of braces they make some really cool ones and they help a ton.

PT can also absolutely help, but you'll want to try to figure out early on the difference between "I am in pain because I'm exercising my muscles correctly" and "I am in pain because I am hurting my joints and need to stop". The pain should be in your muscles, and it should probably feel like a intense burn. Any pain that feels sharp or stabby or like it's coming from your joints/bones is a sign you're doing something wrong or the exercise isn't good for you, and you should stop so you don't do real damage to your body. And if the burn from the doing it right gets too bad you can also stop, you really don't want to hurt a body that is already very prone to dislocations and injury. Start slow and stop if it's too intense. It's way better to under-exercise and maybe not make as much progress as you could than it is to over-exercise and hurt yourself so bad you have to take days or weeks to recover.

(And, if you do get into physical therapy and your physical therapist doesn't listen when you say something hurts, FIND A NEW ONE. Not every PT is equipped to deal with EDS patients, you really wanna find someone who knows what they're doing and won't disregard your body's pain signals and push you far enough you get hurt. A good PT will immediately adjust the exercise or have you try a new one if the current one is genuinely too hard or hurts, a bad one won't. Don't be afraid to bail on the bad ones.)

Also! Low impact stuff is your friend!! I got told pretty early on in my PT journey to never run, the repeated hard impact with the ground is too much strain on my already flimsy knees and will just do damage. Stuff like exercise bikes(for your legs or your arms), ellipticals, and swimming is way better for you because you are still working out the muscles without your joints taking any stress or impacts. Above all else you need to protect your joints, you do not want osteoarthrits, TRUST ME.

Exercise can be helpful(unless you have long covid/chronic fatigue syndrome for the love of god even if you have EDS do NOT work out with those conditions. If you just have fibromyalgia tho you can exercise but def be mindful of your energy envelope, you can also have crashes with fibro if you push yourself too far, and both fibro and chronic fatigue syndrome are common in people with EDS) but yeah def do your research and make sure to listen to your body. You do not wanna damage your joints any more than they already are, and building up some muscular strength really can help take the strain off your joints and help with pain while preventing too much damage.

(Also don't feel too bad if it doesn't help or only helps a little, PT helps me a lot...but not enough to make me pain free, so if you still end up needing braces or a mobility aid that's okay too. EDS can present in a lot of ways with different intensities, not everything will work for everyone. There's a lot of types of treatment that can be tailored for every individual patient based on their needs, you have options for sure.)

because i’m curious

^ for reference

[rainsmediaradio]

The Crosswalk The Devotional 16th November – Exercise Your Gift.

TOPIC: Hope for the Hopeless SCRIPTURE: 1 Peter 4:10-11, NLT “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen.” By Annie Yorty Oh, I can’t stand this! Groaning, I tossed and turned on my bed in frustration. Just as it had a million times before, my mind commanded my right hand to flex. But this time, the appendage, packed in layers and layers of gauze encased within a rigid form and covered with a stretchy bandage, refused to obey. The bulky cast dangled at the end of my arm like a heavy bowling pin with four puffy fingertips protruding. A week out from joint replacement surgery, I already felt claustrophobic, barely able to resist clawing the wrapping off my arm. The pain, initially excruciating, had subsided enough that I yearned to move. To stretch just a bit. To simply use my hand. But, bound and immobile, it seemed disconnected from the command center of my brain.  My useless hand made me wonder how often I’ve constrained spiritual gifts God graciously gave me when I was born again as His child. His Spirit places these abilities within us for an eternal purpose. They enable us to “do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10 NLT).  Apostle Peter lists two of the gifts which may be infused into us by the power of the Holy Spirit—speaking and serving others. We find additional gifts listed in other books of the New Testament—teaching, encouragement, giving, mercy, prophecy, leadership, and more. “It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have” (1 Corinthians 12:11 NLT). God supplies us with the strength to use our gifts. Often, however, like my immobilized hand, there seems to be some disconnect between the power source and implementation. I sometimes find my gifts hanging limp and useless. At times, a lack of courage prevents me from acting. I’ve been too timid to step out of my comfort zone. Other times, I’ve focused on the gifts of others and judged my Spirit-filled abilities to be insignificant by comparison. I admit I’ve also used my gifts selfishly, tending to my own needs and neglecting to edify others. If these attitudes become habits, my spiritual gifts will languish and even atrophy from disuse. I don’t want to be a dead weight dragging down the Body of Christ. I’d rather be vibrant and sensitive to the Head of the Body, Jesus Christ, flexing my gifts at His command. During recovery from surgery, I exercised my hand as it healed. I started by wiggling my swollen fingers to encourage a flow of life-giving blood. As the feeling gradually returned, I stretched and strengthened each digit. When healing stalled, I sought an occupational therapist who specialized in hands. He assigned targeted, repetitive tasks that built up weak areas. Just as I exercised my hand, we need to use our spiritual gifts. Like my hand therapist, God cheers for us as we start small and gradually increase in flexing our spiritual gifts to do the good things He planned for us from before we were born. When we get stuck in our progress, God shines through our weaknesses by designing circumstances that target our need for growth. I practiced for months to achieve the goal of all five fingers working together properly. I rejoiced when my right hand finally resumed normal tasks of writing, brushing my teeth, closing buttons, tying shoes, and much more. Life was so much easier! God created the interdependence of bones, muscles, and tendons in my hand. He also fashions a Body out of all the uniquely complex members of His family. He unifies us to operate under the power of the Holy Spirit. We serve others, perhaps weakly at first, until we become healthy, functional vessels of God’s grace. How satisfied I felt when I could finally stretch and use my fingers again. But nothing physical will ever compare to the pleasure of exercising our spiritual gifts for God’s glory.  Intersecting Faith and Life: What spiritual gifts have you received to serve the Body of Christ? What might be holding you back from exercising your gifts for God’s glory? Annie Yorty writes and speaks to encourage others to perceive God’s person, presence, provision, and purpose in the unexpected twists and turns of life. Married to her high school sweetheart and living in Pennsylvania, she mothers a teen, two adult children (one with intellectual disabilities), and a furry beast labradoodle. She has written From Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed through Down Syndrome. Please connect with her at http://annieyorty.com/, Facebook, and Instagram. Read the full article

[produce101blog]

Episode 4 Thoughts

hype boy 2:

does hype boy not have a JP version??

lee being personally offended that their korean is so bad... LMAO

big brain move to change the dance up to fit their skills

i love aiko (she's in my top 11) so it was nice for her to get 5 seconds of screen time being praised

hype boy 1:

rinon is also one of my faves yay

rino (judge) is growing on me, she actually seems to give a shit about the feelings the girls have

kokona!! she is 100% capable poor girl! and she ended up doing great

fiesta 1:

who tf put this group together again?? it's all dancers and no singers lmao

they REALLY needed a singer to hold down the fort with the main vocals and help them, like they even had to pull in tsuzumi...

god the rehersal awful to listen to, you can't have a group full of sayus

they kind got it together for the performance a little thank god

fiesta 2:

dumb name lol

sry but rimika is so annoying lol. it shouldn't take them having to sit down and have a come to jesus talk with her to get her to speak up and stop being passive aggressive and leaving practice and etc. tbh jueri didn't even do anything wrong, she was just doing what she thought she should as a leader and rimika was throwing a fit for ?? no reason???

cheer up 1:

this was my favorite performance out of the entire set just because of their cohesiveness, so i'm glad to hear that karen was specifically thinking about that and even tried to pick the song based on that

so many communication issues lmao no one is making efforts to make the others feel like they can speak freely

i'd follow this group if they debuted like this lmao they kind of remind me of very early s/mileage vocally

cheer up 2:

cheer up 1 was smart to pick this specific group to do this song lol bc it doesn't fit them at all, but they have to be versatile as an idol imo anyway cuz they aren't going to always get "cool" songs

aruha and moro do the best with the kawaii concept in my opinion, but everyone is doing their best with it despite not really having experience lol

moro still gives me sayu energy but she can actually sing so that's good

sakura pulling the entire team LMAO

tokyo girl 1:

both groups have really cute outfits

opposite problem of fiesta 1 LMAO they should have shuffled it up a little better

i understand her feelings but i find mana to be very annoying lol

strawberry head

i personally would feel defeated too if i had to go up against group 2

wow a world of difference between practice 1 and 2 with yumeki

everyone keeps saying "this is your last chance!!!" yea no shit they were anxious in their performance

tokyo girl 2:

not interested in the ran/miu rivalry so not really much to say here

kassa was cute as usual

ranka did a good job and doesn't belong in F anymore imo

i love that "hai iku" became AMERICA lmao

i think kassa took the feedback and did her best to convey emotion and succeeded

even before the results were announced i was like "poor group 1"

the biggest win yet poor group 1

body and soul 2:

these girls need to learn their ancestors lol SPEED walked so they could run

miu is so KY lmao she needs to learn the japanese way of communication

her practicing a lot in korea makes sense as to how she performs now

is rino a dance judge or a therapist lol

nano is so funny, falling asleep during a discussion

then nano being so cute in her interview about being praised, i love her lol

i can never read yumeki's expressions, he can look like someone just farted in his mouth and then say "that was the best performance i've ever seen in my life"

tbh i forget that suzu is only 16 too

two cute kassa reactions during perf

hot take but i don't think they were the best group by just watching the performances back to back. i think produce101 really wants you to believe that they are tho. but tsuzumi and suzu definitely killed it

i think this is the only group where every single member lost to the other group... it makes me want to support body and soul 1 members lol

tsuzumi is so cute aww and so humble

group ranking/after:

b&s 2 didn't really need extra votes but there were a few lower girls in there so i'm happy for them

wow low miu ranking lol she can't catch a break

the spoilers after episode 5 with the eliminations are going to be baaad

kaela being like "you can't show flaws" lol do you not even know what idols are about??? that's kind of the whole fuckin point lady

the hidden camera thing is a great idea to appeal to the audience as an idol even if it's hidden lmao

the MTBI little thing was cute

this episode made me fall in love with nano lol with her letter and her falling asleep

[suguella]

˗ˋˏ ᨳິ guidelines

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[lucifer-is-a-hermit]

Vent rant time boyyyyzzzz

I'm tired of my 8 million diagnosed and undiagnosed issues. Like can my stomach stop try to pump its acid up my throat to destroy me insides. Can I eat without feeling dizzy and nauseated for one. I feel like that is fuckin impossible. I'm now having issues with bladder control and I'm just fuckin done. I don't have the money or effort to see a doctor about all of that. Everything is busy going to my mental health.

My shitty fucking mental health that just seems to just be getting worse.

Also being poor as hell helps my eating disordered thoughts to run rampant and take over. Not like I have a chance at even starting to untangle that ball of yarn.

My cocktail of meds is changing now, which is throwing everything more out of wack. And God forbid I have the mental energy and willpower to turn in applications for jobs. Not like it will do anything since my boyfriend is applying to everything around us and finding nothing. And he has job experience and a high school diploma.

Speaking of high school diploma I have a place next to me that will let me get a full ass high school diploma and not just a GED, but my anxiety just, I just can't. I know it will improve my living situation which puts it as something with higher stakes which just makes it so much worse. Not to mention the trouble I had in school was with homework and research, and that's all my final course is.

Besides what's the point. I just. God. My brain is on full overdrive all the time, and I need more support and care when is comes to my autism, but it's hard for people to see. Not like people seeing would do much to fuckin fix it. I don't have money to throw at my problems. Which is so lovely since money is my biggest fuckin problem in the first place.

And I'm being a fuckin horrible cat dad on top of all of it. I can't find the clippers for my poor kitty's claws and she keeps getting them stuck on things and scratching things she shouldn't. And it'll be to hard to even look for the clippers with how bad of a mess the house is. The amount of trash that needs taken out along with the amount of laundry that needs done is just absurd and insurmountable. Her litter box is pretty ripe too.

I'm also fuckin sick with what is probably covid so all I can do is sit around as my problems and what I should be doing run through my head while I hardly have the energy to hydrate myself. Oh wait I actually don't have the energy to do that and my boyfriend does it for me even though he is sicker than me because I just can't get it for myself no matter how unbearable it becomes.

Fuck man I don't even know where to start when it comes to fixing everything.

Not to mention the constant ticker of the money I inherited from my dad's death running out. Christ man I'm in my early 20s and I have inheritance money from my dad and bladder control issues. What in the absolute living hellscape is my life.

Plus despite having 2 different fuckin therapists therapy seems to be working less and less for me.

[jigglypuff1994]

Motivation is such a strange concept.

One day, I feel as though I can take on the world. Maybe I finally finish a project I've been working on. I feel invincible! I feel like a winner! I feel like I could spit fire.

The next day, I am a couch potato. I have nothing to give the world and everything to take. I am messy and order pizza because I can. There are ingredients in my fridge waiting to be used, slowly decaying as I sit prettily on my phone without a care in the world. Those avocados on my counter? Yeah, they're definitely expiring at the very moment I take my first bite of savory goodness that was delivered hot and ready.

But should I act? Should I feel motivated? Should I push myself? Probably.

But I won't.

And here's why:

I spent about three months in a program to tackle my anxiety and depression issues.

Am I cured? Absolutely not.

Do I still have my bad days? Yes, almost every other day.

Do I know how to handle them slightly better than before? Yes, absolutely.

I know that motivation is a key player in my anxiety/depression issues.

I didn't finish this. I didn't do that. I am the worst at self-motivation.

But this just isn't true.

Yet why is the thought of needing to find motivation such a driving force that simultaneously is keeping us restrained by the shackles of guilt?

My therapist once gave me some solemn advice: We all need balance. If you feel down, try an up. If you feel up, try taking it down a notch.

If I'm having a 'low' day, I'll listen to some 'fun' music to help lighten my mood. This usually helps alleviate the big sad.

And vice-versa, if I'm having an 'up' day, I listen to a nice even-toned podcast about something I like that isn't too stressful or read a book in a quieter part of my house. This will help alleviate my big anxiety.

I accept that I am not an energizer bunny nor a sluggish sloth. And more importantly, having a balance of resting and doing is essential.

It's okay to take breaks and give yourself a rest, but it's also hard to accept that our bodies and brains need the rest.

It's why we end up with unfinished products and wips (my GOD, the amount of wips I have is daunting). Not just in writing or creativity, but in life.

That garden that I've been neglecting for a week because it's a million degrees outside, and I can't go outside without looking like a red pepper after ten minutes. So, I choose not to.

The cleaned and dried laundry that sits unfolded in a basket. One that stares at me on a daily basis, causing a strained relationship between myself and the limp, crumpled pile of clothing. One that haunts me at three in the morning and younger (cough adult cough) me definitely thought was the boogie man.

We end up feeling guilty and wanting to do things that we truly have no desire to do. We may have found joy in one moment for this concept or object, but this does not mean we have to be on the same level of energy at all times. That would be exhausting.

As for life, there are deadlines and structured things we have to do in order to survive and to participate in the grind. The to-do list is never ending. It's a daily, weekly, monthly struggle we all face.

So, here's my secret, captain: I rest. I recharge. I allow myself to be.

Because being is a very hard thing to do.

I feel like motivation comes in waves, and this is perfectly acceptable!

When I force myself, I find the passion isn't there. I come up with something that I'm not really proud of. I feel guiltier than I would have if I had just allowed myself to do the thing it desperately craves anyways: to rest.

If music compositions can have a rest stop

If plays can have an intermission

If nature can sleep during the winter

Then we can, too.

In order to become motivated once again, allow yourself to rest. I know it's an odd thing to suggest, but I find this helps. Sorry @trinketsinthesun for the dissertation. Hope this helps!

Calling everyone who wants to be/is a productive badass, but struggles with energy and motivation in general. What are your tips for staying focused and getting shit done?

And I want ALL the tips please! The more advice, the merrier I'll be.

Also, please repost. Maybe we can work out how to life together.

[thatsnotloki]

Now what?

Crossposted from Wordpress.

So, you’ve come to the conclusion that the spirit you thought was helpful, isn’t. Good! This is an excellent starting point. Now what to do you do about it?

This is a hard and often frightening place to be, standing on the edge of your past and realizing that you have spent so much time– maybe even decades– focused on feeding your energy into a spirit that is not only different than you thought it was but actively malicious. But all is not lost. There are things you can do to cut yourself off from that which is hurting you and begin to heal.

It’s okay to freak out.

If ever there were a time to be “going through it”, this is it. Spiritual crises, dark nights of the soul, they happen to all of us for a variety of reasons. You will get through this. Let yourself feel what you need to feel, just don’t put yourself or anyone else in harm’s way while you’re processing these big feelings. You will come out the other side.

Write or make art or do music about what you’re experiencing. Get it out, don’t bottle it up.

Don’t use names.

If you happen to have used a name– any name at all, including titles you made up– for the spirit that did you harm, practice unnaming it. Avoid speaking or thinking a name in reference to it. Make it so unimportant in your mind as to be unworthy of any specific reference.

This will take practice and time. It might be extremely hard to do. That’s okay. Keep working at reframing your world to exclude that thing on all fronts.

Cleaning is your friend.

You’ve decided that it’s time to clean house spiritually and you can help yourself do that by cleaning house physically. Go gently but consistently about the work of cleaning.

Fresh air, clean water, sunshine, fresh food, and body movement are all going to be essential in the days and weeks to come. They’ll help you stay grounded and centered.

Rituals for spiritual cleansing will be sprinkled throughout this blog.

Don’t leave the front door open.

If you want to keep your house safe, you’ll close the front door and maybe lock it. The same goes for spiritual concerns.

Do you remember, long ago, reading about grounding, cleansing, centering and shielding in meditation? If it is psychologically safe for you to meditate in a guided fashion, then this is the time to start doing those basic, guided exercises every single day.

Instructions for additional basic wards and safety precautions will be included throughout this blog.

Consult a professional.

A vetted and reliable diviner who does not know you or your situation should be consulted to confirm what type of spirit you are being harmed by, how to remediate it, and if your remediation is effective. Pay them appropriately. Don’t just take the words of some rando online. Also, I do not do this kind of divination so don’t ask.

Pastoral counseling for polytheists exists. Furthermore, chaplains of all stripes should be trained to keep their traps shut on matters of theology– their job is to listen rather than to convert. Therefore, if you cannot find a polytheist chaplain who is able to give you counsel, you may be able to find a nondenominational chaplain who might do the same. Seek these people in your area. Talk to them about your feelings. You are not alone.

Should you feel your efforts toward removing the negative spirit from your life are insufficient, then consult a professional spirit worker who does not know you or follow your same religious tradition. Ask them for help. Pay them appropriately.

Sometimes, harmful spirits can lead us to some really dark places or cause illness. Set up an appointment with your doctor or a therapist if you need one. Don’t delay medical treatment when working to aid the physical (and, yes, your brain is physical) is so often vital for healing the spiritual.

Pray.

There is no wrong time to seek the gods. Arguably, the best time to seek Them is when you are being harassed by something that wishes you harm.

If you cannot or do not want to look to the gods, then ground your prayers in the world. Look for local land spirits and cultivate a relationship with them. Look to your ancestors (of blood or choice, both are vital) and seek their support.

When you are praying to any of these spirits, be extremely specific in Who you are referring to. Learn the scientific or chemical names of plants or minerals. Learn your ancestors’ middle names. Learn the bynames and titles of gods. Know Who you are trying to reach.

Remember that praying doesn’t have to look like kneeling before an altar. It can be dancing, hiking, painting, sewing, cooking, working– you have endless options.

Do something completely different.

What is the routine you had around the harmful spirit? Do the opposite.

If you made daily offerings to it at a formal altar, then dismantle that altar and cleanse your space. Rearrange the room if you must. Throw away those altar components. Move your worshipful actions to a new location, use new prayers, make new tools.

If you only ever made informal offerings when prompted at random places, then set up a specific, warded sacred space for in which to do your devotions in the same way every time, maybe even on a schedule.

These are just 2 broad examples. You can certainly think of a hundred ways to shake up your habits and try something entirely new to help cut ties with the harmful spirit.

[mrpenguinpants]

Genshin: University AU [V1]

I love modern au. Or any “everything is fine, no one died, it’s just a fever dream” au. Half of me is thinking, damn maybe I should answer this serious- LOL HAHA no. That’s not happening. Time to crack my knuckles and let my brainworms take over again.

Once again, this is 90% crack 10% content. I want to switch up my characters from the last brainworm post but I included Kaeya and Diluc.

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Today’s appreciation post goes to twistedwishes. Hey! I’ve been seeing you pop up a lot lately and thanks for the support 💕💕 I hope things are going better for you and you’re doing alright^^ I feel kinda bad for making appreciation posts on crack fics but hopefully this is somewhat funny haha. 

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Genshin: Holding Hands [V1]

Genshin: When you’re cold [V1]

Genshin: Roommate [V1]

Genshin: Royalty AU [V1]

[Masterlist]

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[taglist]  <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

  @mikeysbike @hanniejji@unionwitch @musekala @twistedsunnshiii @stanzastic @akaasea @xoneaboveallx @adoring-ghost @asheseiler @childelover @dilucsz @dai-tsukki-desu @thicmitten @youaskedfurret @diaxfeliz @wintergreen-aix @dandelily @thegayrubberducky @lovelykittycatmeow @yuunoagivesmelife  @dokidokisama @simpygrimoire @minakohasmanyhusbandos @strwbrry-lia @tigerpriestess @yuu-yuukurotsuki​

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Diluc

Absolute pretty boy who has braincells, but only if Kaeya is not there. In his mind, Kaeya’s presence makes his room loose 40% of their common sense. He can’t prove it just yet but he’s working on it. He majors in accounting but also has a minor in marketing, logistics’ management, fia- he majors everything business related. He’s going to become the next Elon Musk through smarts or by getting the competition drunk. There can be no contest if he’s the only candidate. He’s actually a hard working guy that overworks and stresses way too much. You have daily “Diluc recharge” evenings where he just hangs onto you while you go through your day.

“Don’t fucking talk to me until I’ve had my coffee,” except there is no coffee - he drinks grape juice out of juice boxes and his only energy boost is when he meets up with you - and that’s his constant mood. So he usually only hangs around you and Jean, since she has childhood friend status and is actually an angel. By default, Lisa is added and Diluc doesn’t mind her but if he see’s Kaeya, it’s full on war paint mode. If he's not busy with work or studies, he's usually with you either in your dorm or his apartment.

He has a fanclub and he seriously hates it and tries to do everything in his power to get Ningguang to take it down. Shouldn’t this be against his rights? But she refuses for whatever reason and makes a whole speech about free will. No matter what he does, someone manages to take a picture and it get’s printed in the university’s newspaper. The only bonding time he has with Kaeya is every Monday, where they collect and burn all the universities newspapers before anyone can get their hands on it. You always bring marshmallows to make smores during their arson activities.

“When I graduate I’m going to burn this school down to the ground. That’s not a threat it’s a promise.”

Ningguang

Is secretly the leader of the Diluc fanclub - not that she likes Diluc, she’s in a questionable platonic poly marriage with you and Beidou - but it was the easiest way to gain funds for the student council. Which she is the president of, so rip Diluc the fanclub stays. Ruthless business woman I tell you. But she can run in heels so her danger factor rises by at least 20%.

Majors in social sciences and law but more specifically the political science & government. She saw the Imperial State Crown that the Queen of England wears and says yes, that’s mine now. If she’s not with Beidou and you planning on “how to infiltrate the state government just for lols”, then she’s with Keqing, Ganyu, and Zhongli discussing student council things. Should they or should they not tell the student body that they can see everyone’s search results? Sit back and relax as the school goes into chaos. 

She’s probably the scariest person on campus No, she is the scariest person on campus. She’s the scariest person on campus. But secretly she’s popping 20 aspirins just to make it through a night. She has the digestive system of steel. She still holds the title of "seriously do not try and beat her in a drinking game it's never going to happen" and that's her proudest achievement in life but sadly she can’t put it on her resume. Kaeya is still trying to beat her out of spite but so far it hasn't been working. You’re seriously concerned for her when she get’s challenged but Beidou gives you a way-to-hard slap on the back and cheers her on. If Ninngguang somehow get’s alcohol poisonings she’ll somehow find away to make a profit out of it.

"I'll let him die, I'll get the insurance money."

Kaeya

One day he chugged too much mouth wash, passed out, and somehow woke up in university majoring in law. His idea is that if he is apart of the law, he can therefore stand above it. To be fair, his only goal in life is to say “I am the manager” and he can go live the rest of his life in bliss or as a hermit. He’s secret best friends with you but wouldn't be caught dead beside you. He will stab a bitch if you ever get hurt but will still trip you on the way home. Seriously, you have no idea why people find him attractive. Your guess is it’s the eye patch or the clap of his ass cheeks that keeps alerting everyone.  

He’s apart of the newspaper club and if anyone asks: No, he has no idea who keeps taking all the newspapers and burns them in the back of the campus. Originally, he joined because he was nosy and needed to join some type of club for his resume. He sometimes feels bad for his junior assistant Amber because he keeps tricking her and says that Diluc is secretly a demon that is trying to steal all the jobs and is apart of the lizard government hell bent on eradicating the human race. He even brought out a whiteboard for this joke, he’s dedicated to his job ok? 

The type of guy to try and be humble and say his work is “okay” but will choke a bitch if anyone agrees. He tends to leave everything last minute and says that it’s his drug since actual drugs could land you one year in prison and a maximum penalty of $2,000. You have to awkwardly hold in your concerned mother head shake when you see him speed running his assignment literally right when the professor is walking around to check if students finished. 

“I was taught how to lead not to read.”

Mona

Broke wallet #2. Zhongli is broke wallet #1 but Childe simps for him so is he really a broke wallet at this point? In this essay, I Mona Megistus, will explain why I have the rights to the title “Broke Wallet #1″...

Believes that astrology should be an actual career path but refuses to take astronomy as her major. I can read the stars not a textbook that tells me how to calculate the mass of the sun divided by the fucks I give. Instead she went into Philosophy and cries to Albedo, who is an actual prodigy genius- sir lend some braincells to everyone else please?, that her professor keep turning her paper down because “star reading” is not an academic source.

Fischl wants her to join the occult club because, surprisingly, Mona is very good at telling people’s fates through her crayon sketch ouija board. She thinks first year Fischl is cute but is put off by the cosplay roleplay that she has going on. She would join except that stupid hat wearing gremlin in her lit class would make fun of her if he found out.

You gave her half your lunch one day and bought her a doughnut "because she seemed upset" and "out of the goodness of your heart" whatever the hell that means. She thinks you pensioned it but once that thought comes she takes a bite. Poison from a doughnut is not the worst way to go out, classes are hard enough. She’s waiting for the lord to strike her down anyways. 

“Its not about passing, its about doing better than everyone else.”

Venti

Slept through most of highschool and people question how he got into university. He’s a music major (wow how fucking original is that), and if anyone asks him to serenade someone or just do anything, he’ll do it for the right price. Or if you buy him alcohol because he still keeps getting ID checked. He’s banking on Kaeya actually becoming a lawyer or being on good terms with Diluc so he can finally stop being arrested for looking like a toddler.

Takes one step into classes and quickly nopes out and goes back to bed. Professors have no idea how he hasn't dropped out or failed. He just has some god given talent. He does whine at you to pretty pretty please with a cherry on top tutor him because you're such an angel and would never leave your poor but awesome best friend hanging right? He needs to get this essay down but how he is suppose to explain how the number 10 is symbolic and connects to the universe or the meaning of life. Do you think he can just say it’s apart of his culture and make up some random myth to pretend it looks like he knows what he’s doing? 

He’s honestly going with the flow and put his brain on the back burner all of highschool and only now realizes wait, I actually have to use my brain?

He’s been banned from most club chats since Venti has the no chill card. Someone says “lol I look ugly today.” and he’ll respond "yup, you look like a cow." and he get’s banned. Zhongli keeps a speed run timer on his phone just to document these occasions.

"Sad spelled backwards is das and das how it be sometimes."

Childe

An actual dumbass that somehow does well. He eats sandwiches with the crust off, this heathen. Surprisingly he’s studying to become a physical therapist but most of his experience has come from breaking his own bones. You’re scared how he's going to be if he actually becomes a therapist. If he'll make bets with his patients or try to one up whatever crazy injury they get into. Everything is a challenge to him that sometimes the best way to deal with Childe is to knock him out. 

This man really knows the way to a Zhongli’s woman's heart. Through micro transactions. Mona saw him accidently drop $20 and just shrugged and walked off. She has never been both spiritually and physically offended in her life. She did take the $20 though. As much as you hate leeching on Chile when he’s basically a walking wallet that probably uses bills as tissue paper, you can’t help but give him puppy eyes while planning on how to get into his will. If he even plans on having one, he might honestly write “whoever wins in a gladiator style duel in my funeral’s tournament, they will get my fortune.”. 

Any sport the university offers Childe is probably in it. Which is how he met Zhongli, challenged him to a fight, proceeded to have his ass handed to him, got a backhanded compliment, and screamed to you he was in love and how he found his soulmate. He's secretly very sappy and has cried and watched every Disney and Pixar movie at least 28 times.

"IM NOT TOO SPICY! I’M A TINY BIT ABOVE MILD IF ANYTHING!”

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God if it isn’t Scaramouche, it’s Childe that ruins the aesthetic. This is why I hate you. Why do you people enable me like this, it isn’t even good. This is pretty much a @ yourself moment and I vibe hard with Venti. This entire post was just to make a joke about the clap of Kaeya’s ass cheeks alerting the guards.

This week might slow down since I have classes and assignments. My reply’s are gonna be late too, sorry;; (oh and thank you to everyone that was so supportive and nice when I mentioned it. All of you. Beautiful 💕💕 )