#I say our like I'm contributing to it
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personally i think you should be legally required to have discovered your plurality and learned to function as a system for at least three full calendar years before being allowed a voice in syscourse. because when you don't, we end up with newbies regurgitating the same dumb fucking takes over and over such as "children can never have alters" or "endogenic systems were invented last year" or "your trauma wasn't bad enough to cause xyz" or even my personal favorite "there is never any overlap between DID/OSDD and MADD/BPD/literally any disorder"
#💙 cass#endo safe#syscourse#all paraphrased of course but i'm sure you know what sort of opinions i'm talking about.#as both a quoigenic system and an OSDD one. i just gotta say. you can treat your plurality and your dissociative disorder--#--as related and also separately coexisting independant of each other.#like did our OSDD cause our system? no. but does it CONTRIBUTE TO our plurality? yes absolutely#our OSDD is related to our plurality in the same way our OCD is#even though OCD isn't typically seen as a plural thing! but it is for us!#they overlap! they affect each other! and they're also separate things that should be treated with different methods!#anyway that's all i've gotta say rn
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working full time with normal hours has convinced me more than ever that actually high school Could have been a sane & even enjoyable time for me if it weren't for the homework. sick & twisted tbh
#i spent all of high school continually behind on my work/desperately trying to make it up/getting ~4 hrs of sleep a night/full of#guilt over it/feeling like i was losing my mind/not eating properly/trying to do my hw at lunch/etc etc whatever#& now I'm waking up/going out about the same time as i was & getting home only a little later and i have None of that i have to do & I'm#eating regularly & sleeping like 8hrs a night I'm looking back on that like what the fuck. that was so fucked up & evil i had to go through#all that. what the hell.#<- i mean i sort of knew this but i genuinely thought getting up early/spending so long at school/etc was also a major contributer#but like. it's literally not. I can do all that just fine when i ferl like a normal sane healthy person. it was literally just the hw.#hw is evil fr. what are we doing to our kids etc etc#thoughts#I say regular hours bc i have worked full time before but it was w such weird hours I couldn't really make the comparison
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tagged by my beloved no.1 chappell roan stan @cordiallyfuturedwight thanks my darling <33 i can only apologise for the lack of ms roan here... i swear good luck babe has been on repeat i don't know what happened
tagging the usual suspects, apologies if i've already missed yours: @aprylynn @jiminsproof @thvinyl @cosmicdreamgrl @visionsofgideontheninth @hoseeok @kimchokejin @jihopesjoint @monismochi <333 and you dear reader
oh and see here for more of my self-proclaimed songs of the summer if you're interested in that kind of thing
#director's commentary--#comin' around again - they call her amber MARK because she never misses. this one is particularly delicious#the thrill is gone - it's stunning. listening to raye again to prepare myself for genesis#bring back the seven minute songs i say!!#i'm fighting my own diminished attention span tooth and nail but i'm losing badly because i keep getting distracted#helen of troy - we all moved on from solar power a little too quickly actually this summer we should throw our cellular devices in the wate#whatcha doing - yeah i have this song on repeat to fund dua's next vacation and it's an honour to contribute.#ALSO did everyone see the chris stapleton x dua acm performance? exquisite. they served AND they ate#bodyguard - still my fav. ryan beatty i could find you anywhere#skip to the good bit - rizzle kicks are making a comeback and my god it has been twelve LONG years without them.#nature is healing. i can hear the trumpets#ok love you bye - anyone who decides to use the line 'if you can't see my mirrors - i can't see you' is an instant icon#it's uncanny - hall & oates deep cut. it's obviously fab#so sick of dreaming - maggie rogers i will follow you to the ends of the earth. album is phenomenal. what a loser!!!#aw shoot - cuntry and music global pop sensation cmat has done it yet again. happy pride my queen#honourable mentions - rachel chinouriri's new album is really great. listen to 'it is what it is'#obviously rm made it to the artist list. who else up thinking about nuts and groin rn!!!!!#vampire weekend's new album is like something from a peanuts comic and st. vincent's new album is indescribable#but if i had to try i'd say like something from a peanuts comic but if woodstock had an insatiable bloodthirst#okay i think that just about covers it! thanks darlings#MWAH#receiptify#tag
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How genuinely fucking sick in your rotten heart do you have to be to not only be intimidated by queer children, but to hurt and even kill them.
You're grown ass adults who are terrified of CHILDREN. That's the most fucking pathetic thing I have ever seen. Take your own advice and "grow the fuck up, snowflake."
#vee vibrates#youth liberation#youth rights#RIP Pauly and all of our queer youth who deserved so much better in life.#Shit like this makes me want to fucking strangle my father for formerly contributing to this fucking nightmare on the political scale.#If I get anybody coming at me for this post I will fucking nuke you into orbit with my blockhammer. You don't have ANY right to speak here.#Especially the very people I'm talking about. I hope the snowflake comment hurts. Your egoist ilk can't stand talkback.#child death tw#child abuse tw#child murder tw#queerphobia tw#transphobia tw#transmisogyny tw#homophobia tw#Just making sure nobody else gets as upset as I am because wow. Genuinely want to fucking maul Pauly's killer(s) right now.#Not even kill. No no no no no. My dear friend Death is too good for you. You deserve to live with the consequences for killing a CHILD.#death tw#murder tw#abuse tw#“Dear friend” is such a funny thing to say to someone you're about to oblirate honestly.#obliterate* fuck sorry still super mad
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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*Trigger warning for eating disorder talk*
I hate how whenever I eat anything my brain is like "You should kill yourself. Now." Like what's your fucking problem
#tw ed#it's like bitch the body needs nutrients to function. idiot. that's how flesh vessels work. what are you an alien?#but my brain is always like 'booo you are a disgusting ugly bitch and as a punishment you can't eat at all tomorrow.'#like...ok then. i guess.#the funny thing is that it's also like two people fighting because like i hate what i see in the mirror from both sides#like one part of me is like 'ahhh we are far too skeletal it looks kinda creepy and Not Good'#and the other is like 'wow ew we're so disgusting and big and our bones aren't visible enough. what would our family say?'#so there's like no winning at all because if i don't eat one side will get mad and refuse to look in the mirror#and if i do eat the other side will go into total hysterics and I'll have to sleep completely covered up and will have to avoid#all mirrors because it will completely distort our perception of ourselves and will claim changes that aren't there and it will#force me not to eat for a day or two and probably also to walk everywhere#it also sucks because i think not eating enough might be contributing to me feeling so shallow and fatigued and disinterested in everything#but i have no idea because I don't know how many calories I'm actually getting#and it's really Bad™ for me to count because I'm a little bit too competitive and my brain has historically always made it#a challenge to eat as few calories as possible. because I'm insane and treat literally everything as a competition that i have to win
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Atsushi's back in the game!!! ۶( ˆ o ˆ )
#And Kouyou!!!!#Also. I can say Steinbeck is kinda 👀👀👀#King of the specific category of “I forget I like him until he's on screen”#I'm seriously unlocking memories with this rewatch. Like I haven't thought about it in two years–#but I just know when I was watching the anime for the first time I was being like#“Of COURSE the villains need to spend several minutes each episode explaining in detail how their own superpowers work so that the–#protagonists can get a perfect idea of how to best counter them. Why are villains made so freaking stupid in this show” aljhvwslchvqliyqwb#But. Eh. I guess that's just bsd to you.#Alsoooooo random thought of the day: I don't really favour how Tanizaki's ability was adapted in the anime.#I very well understand they were going for this green Matrix-like illusion effect‚ but every time someone says “... Snow?”#I'm like please explain where do you live that has snow glowing green.#Aamsjgvfaskjhfv sorry this is me being very. Cranky and nitpicky and having terrible audience etiquette in refusing to–#engage in suspension of disbelief. It just bugs me akvakcvqkyb I just feel like... Green is such a non-snow color–#that quite of completely disrupts the Light Snow / Sasame Yuki aesthetic. I would have liked it much better light blue or simply white.#What else. The way the Guild just goes on at stereotypes still troubles me a lot. The “usamericans can't be touched by laws–#because they use money to corrupt anyone” “foreign criminal organization come in our country to corrupt our pure and untouched soil”#Idk. Maybe all of it is true. Can it still be deemed a stereotype when it's objectively something that's happened before–#and will probably keep happening?#I suppose I'm just not a fan of the constant hostility against any foreigner. Idk.#This situation besides is extremely ironical. If you meet me irl it probably won't take long to see me being very outspoken about–#how much I despise usa cultural colonization of all other countries. It's something that really bothers me‚ how rooted and pervasive–#their influence is. So in a lot of ways I can relate to the author's sentiment#I just feel that. If you start treating them as stereotypes and ignore the complexity of a country and the wide spectrum of causes–#that contribute to its attitude in international relations. You end up practicing precisely what you're trying to criticize.#Okay this is the last time I'm getting into the politics of the Guild arc lol#random rambles#This time I took watching the episode slow I feel a little late
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#i hate that i'm like this but the girl we're hosting used my mug and it makes me irrationally angry#like#i didn't ever tell her ''hey don't use this mug because i have my own stuff and i don't like cross contaminating''#so i KNOW i have no right to be angry#and it coooouuld have been one of my family members who used it but i doubt it because they know i don't like sharing mugs and glasses etc#but either way this is just a symptom of how chaotic i feel in my own house and i hate myself for being like this#i never say anything because i KNOW its crazy people talk to be like ''hey that's my seat. why? because i always sit there and like it?''#and i know it doesn't affect anyone how the spoons are organized and how the plates are stacked and where the pots are stored#but its just infuriating to see things in places where (in my mind system) they don't go#i know it's the autism but that has never found me any sort of sympathy in my family (diagnosis or no diagnosis) so i can't say that#and if i skirt around it and say ''i like things a certain way and not having them like that causes me severe emotional distress''#it makes me seem controlling and abusive (which are things my mom has implied i am when i explain these things to her)#i know the real reason for these issues isn't our guest but also at this point she isn't our fucking guest because SHE'S BEEN HERE A MONTH#and she is clearly overstaying her welcome imo#i don't say anything because i'm not a mean person but i'm sure everyone around me can tell i'm stressed about something#i just need my space back but i don't even feel like i have a claim over that cuz mexican families are full of the ''my house my rules'' bs#which is untrue because a) the house isn't even owned by my parents anymore#(they made some stupid financial choices years ago and my uncle had to buy the house from them or risk foreclosure)#and b) we're all adults (except my brother obviously) and we all contribute however we can#so i should have some say in how i feel if i'm living here imo#and i am trying to make money however i can so i can move out soon#but just going out twice a week has me like this i can't imagine working a traditional job atm#(i did apply for a grant for autistic people of color so hopefully something will come of that)#anyways that was my rant i'm just really stressed and constantly on the brink of a meltdown#it's not this random girls fault#she just happens to be the final drop in my very very small bucket very often these days#(y'know because she's a fucking stranger in my house and i hate having to mask in my own home idk i'm awful i probably won't post this)
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i wanna talk to my friends, but when i'm in the situation of actually getting the opportunity to talk to them, i kinda just ... fucking dissociate from them and the conversation, slip back into my own little world and lament on how lonely i am
i appreciate them, i really do, but for some reason i spectate more than i engage in the convo
#💢 kairi rants#(kinda)#like i love making friends#but i'm so shit at conversations#i kinda feel like i have to fake it sometimes or force myself to be social#and i always get mad at myself for it#i wanna change but yk#a habit is very hard to kill#that's not the saying but yk#i love all my friends#i just dunno if they love me or remember i exist#and even if they do#idek if i make a significant contribution to our friend group#i am kind of a bad person huh
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I feel like I don't know how to hold a conversation anymore
It's like...my anxiety got really bad and super unmanaged for over two years, and I withdrew from everyone, couldn't work, didn't talk to people, barely left the house(not just for anxiety reasons, but it certainly didn't help matters)...the most social interaction I had was talking in the tags of Tumblr posts.
And now I'm...trying, at least, to talk to people again, and be more of a functioning human being. But it's like I've no clue how to talk. I know I used to converse with people at least semi-regularly. I used to do this stuff, if not easily, at least simply.
And now, it's like. I've spent so much time not talking about anything to anyone that I don't remember what stuff people usually share with each other. What's normal to talk about.
#the void screams#i don't know#just venting i guess#it's been weird lately. a lot has been happening what to say or do or how to react and so instead i just. haven't been.#on any front. so i've mostly just been in my head and thining about odd things. i don't know.#i'm finalky back on my meds because i forgot about them for...a while which is probably contributing to things being weird currently.#also fun fact my sibling told me recently that as much as our ilder sister tries to claim the title of problem child#i have caused waaay more stress and trouble than she ever has and for some reason that cheered me up#like yeah you might be a problem but which one of us spent more time in the hospital than in school?#who was almost held back a grade because they missed a monumental amount of school?#who was the first one to start therapy?#the humor is dark but it is in fact hitting currently so. i shall in fact be bleak if it makes me laugh i need the laughs#anyway
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"I hope you feel better soon"
Yeah me too but I'm way more worried about long covid and permanent damage to my organs.
#Like I get they're trying to show they care but I'm so absolutely pissed off at catching covid in the first place#Bc if we as a society decided to actually care about high risk people and all continue masking#This was a way less likely event not only for us but everyone else#But no everyone's just out there raw dogging the air and exposing the rest of us whether they know it or not#Like I'm being nice to the people saying they hope we feel better soon but they have no concept of how upset we are#Specifically due to the possible long term effects and issues that can arise in general and in relation to our existing health conditions#Like yeah every one of you isn't masking and you're part of the problem#You're specifically contributing to people like us getting very ill and having long lasting consequences#So no I'm not happy
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A solid amount of the dynamic between me and my irl friends is them doing something and me quietly sitting off to the side doing whatever, just enjoying the company lol
#this happens when I hang out with them in person sometimes#but also recently they've been playing bg3 a lot in our little discord vc#so sometimes I'll just pop into the call to hang out and listen#One friend will screenshare so I can watch#Every so often one of them asks if I'm still there#I usually have to say yes like 2 or 3 times because I tend to speak quieter than I mean to#and the mic literally just won't pick it up the first time lol#Very good and nice#I'm glad they tolerate my introverted ass lol#lee speaks#Sometimes I do try to contribute to the conversation!#but again half the time I talk a lot quieter than I mean to and the mic just doesn't pick it up lol#so I'm like eh oh well
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I mean like. Not to bring the mood down but... you guys know that's because American media is everywhere right? Like the world is unable to avoid some version of American accent on a regular basis. Of course ppl find it easy to mimic. This is absolutely not restricted to ppl in the UK, its really common for ppl who learn English as a foreign language to have perfect 'American actor' accents (cause the reason everyone's so good at the American accent that's expected of them as actors is cause at large there's little distinction between regions in the 'Hollywood accent' that ends up on TV and films and stuff. You guys have massive regional differences in pronounceation, but what makes it on to TV (in 9/10 cases) is a very standardised version of American English.)
But yeah. It's not just actors lol. Most British ppl can speak in a passable american accent, as can loads and loads of people worldwide. I'm not saying this to be like 'you should feel guilty! 😡' but it does always stun me when Americans are unaware of the impact their country has worldwide on all versions of English (and even on use of native languages. Many countries are using English more and more over their native languages and dialects , and yeah, historical colonialism has had an impact there.)
But in the last few decades things have progressed way way faster and that, is thanks to the impact of anglo/american/ect lead capitalism. I'm in no way dismissing the impact the UK has on this, but in recent years, its the US that is largely pushing that train .While the UK and several English speaking commonwealth countries are very involved in this kind of capitalist imperialism, there's a reason that more and more people are speaking American English. Not one of the many UK dialects, not Australian English, or NZ English. Across the world more and more people are increasingly speaking in the same standardised american dialect that's in so much of the media you export. Hollywood based media, with that standardised accent/ dialect and the standardised 'normal american life', has a stranglehold on the world and I just find it crazy that a lot of you guys don't even know.
It's stupid stuff like. So many countries are importing american cars and are widening their roads/ changing town planning to account for it (this is less of a thing in the UK but I see it more and more when I travel). Its the food becoming avaliable everywhere. Its the influence that for profit healthcare has even on countries with socialised health systems. Its houses being built to account for American style appliances. Fashion trends. Worldwide, everything is slowly evolving to be closer and closer to this 'American standard' which honestly? I really don't think actually represents the lives of real American people either. You've been turned in to products, the system has taken an unrealistic snapshot of 'American life' and it's being sold to you all day in day out, but it's also being sold to the rest of us. It's being pushed on us all.
Kids in the UK go through phases of talking only in American accents. Anyone born later than the 90s is carrying round 2 sets of spelling and vocab, cause we're all so used to the American way, that you barely know which one you're using half of the time. In the UK we have always had really strong regional accents yeah, and dialects differ between areas that seem tiny to you guys, I know. But like. Those dialects are being lost cause all UK accents are evolving to become closer to this standardised american and yeah not great, but at least we share a language! US American society is largely rooted in the same foundations as UK society, largely we have the same flaws! But oh my god. What about the rest of the world.
It's global. This impact continues to be seen, steamrollering ahead, in places that had completely different starting points. UK culture isn't that dissimilar to that of the US, so we aren't losing nearly as much as cultures that had something completely different. So much is being lost.
Languages and dialects and everything else is just being wallpapered over so we all meet the same ideal of the 'American life' and it's not even real! It's just a product based on how ppl were actually living in the US, manipulated until it's the most marketable mould. You guys are victims of it as well but like. It's based on your culture so you don't lose as much if you conform to it. Just like how in the UK, if we conform, we lose more than US, but nowhere near as much as countries that had languages, dialects and cultures that were so so different to UK/US culture. The less like the US, your starting point, the more there is to lose.
And look. I said it to start with. I'm not having a go. That's not what this is. But you guys really need to be aware, you need to make an effort to understand the impact that this plastic Hollywood american culture is having on the rest of the world. You need to actively look for it, and make an effort to not pay in to it. Because when Americans see other cultures represented in media and say its not relatable, when you guys go on holiday and make no effort to learn local customs, and try and pay in dollars and spend your time abroad like you're still in America, when you see cultural differences and immediately argue that the American way is better and of course everyone should have giant cars and never dry laundry outdoors and live in American style homes, without any kind of critical thought. Just 'this is how we do it so why wouldn't everyone else do it this way. This is the only way. The American way is obviously best.' When you guys do that you are individually feeding in to this absolute bulldozing of cultures (including American ones!) to allow for better marketability.
It isn't any one individual American citizens fault that things are the way they are, and you guys are victims of the same system, but you need to have some self awareness when it comes to the fact that as individuals you are unknowingly, helping driving this forwards and as individuals, there are things you can do to limit your personal impact (and no arguing that you have no culture is not it!!! Being all self deprecating doesn't do shit. Take some responsibility and accept that individual Americans didn't create this system, but currently, individual Americans really are doing their bit to keep promoting it, to keep pushing it on the rest of the world.
And I've already rambled for an age so I'll stop here but I just want to make clear as an ending note here, that this really isn't about piling on Americans and being all 'boo it's all America's fault. They should apologise. Their culture isn't worth anything.' Not at all this is the opposite of that. The fact that millions of Americans have been convinced you have no culture, all while a mimicry of American culture is plastered on to the rest of the world, and while you as individuals are encouraged to help that happen, often without even realising what you're doing; is a crime. You've been wronged, as have we all.
And America is not the problem. The problem is imperialism and it didn't start with you guys. It started in Europe, and Europeans, particularly British ppl, have a responsibility to push back and be self aware, take some fucking responsibility and not inadvertently keep feeding in to that system, just as you guys do. The US didn't start the fire, imperialist capitalism is a fire that started burning long before the United States was even considered, but its on all of us, to do what we can to not feed that fire. And right now? You guys are the face of it.
This idea of what America is, is the face of imperialistic capitalism, and that means that even if you don't mean to, you guys are feeding that fire more so than the rest of us. You're responsible for spreading it, more so than the rest of us. And if you don't step up and take responsibility, accept that you're gonna get it wrong sometimes and you need to try to do better; if we don't all do that. There will be nothing left. They'll paper over it all, the lives of real Americans just as much as those in Scotland and India and the Netherlands, and 100 other cultures, that are at risk, thanks to this fire, that's currently, largely coming from America.
So yeah. It's absolutely not just on you guys and ppl who act like there's no racism or wealth divide in Europe or anywhere else for that matter are complete idiots, however, this Americanisation of the world (and I hesitate to call it that. Because its not a representation of real American lives. Its simply wearing an American face.) Its real. It's happening.
And we don't tell you about it to make you feel guilty (those of us who aren't dicks at least) ,we are telling you. We are kicking up a fuss. Because it isn't fair. It's not right and while individual Americans ignore that and refuse to take responsibility where they can (small apples. We aren't asking for you to call a violent revolution in our names. Just take some time to learn about the rest of the world. Stop assuming America is always right and examine your biases. When you find them. Stop personally pushing them.) , while that is happening, as individuals, you are contributing to this. It's not even altruism. This system is hurting Americans too. It's hurting us all. All we ask is that you do what you can to not personally contribute, and keep an open mind, be aware. That's all any of us can do.
when a british actor does an american accent everyone’s like “i didn’t even know they were british until they were on colbert.” but when americans do a british accent everyone’s like “they’re supposed to be from east cocksford but their glottal e’s are north dicksford. shameful.”
#so yeah sorry to rant but honestly#I'm so tired of ppl refusing to take responsibility on every side of this#imperalistic cruel capitalist regimes going 'well hey. at least we aren't America. this is their fault.'#meanwhile. Americans contribute to the bulldozing of their own cultures to make room for a capitalist monster wearing them as a mask#and if you call out any Americans or make them aware of something they are doing individually that isn't helping. it's either#refusing to see/ accept their own bias. or just as bad! yes! just as bad!!! america is beyond help. there's nothing worth saving#nothing we can do. that's bullshit and making stupid excuses like 'oh our schools don't teach us to respect other cultures'#'we don't know how.' fucking learn! try! that's all anyone asks of you. nobody cares about your schooling. school is shit for working class#ppl in most countries!#you think the english curriculum is any more balanced? we're subjects of a colonial empire. it's propaganda and its not even competent!#i don't think the average American understands how many more hours of schooling they get vs a lot of places. I'm not saying it's right#but teaching time? you guys have longer school days and you stay in school till youre older. our national curriculum ends the year we turn#16 in the UK. year 11 finishes in June. you can leave school 2 months shy of 16 to get a supermarket job. (and many working class ppl do)#and our government still pat themselves on the back and say its eqv. to high school finishing at 18 in other countries. like for context.#i haven't had a geography lesson since i was 13. my last english lesson? i was 15. that's completely normal here. so yeah. the#'our schooling was shit so we can't use Google to learn a bit of geography' falls pretty fucking flat. sorry.#they should have done better by you but they didn't. join the queue. do what you can and take some fucking responsibility now#the only way out of this is for us all. American and otherwise. to do what we can. be self aware. try to be better. keep learning#because if you fall to apathy? capitalism wins. if you believe the propaganda? capitalism wins. if capitalism wins we all lose#the system is designed to wear you down so you're too tired to remember that it doesn't have to be this way.#that's been happening for decades and it's why things are such a mess now. the only way out. is remember there is a way out#climb towards it. do what you can. it seems like low hanging fruit. it doesn't look like enough to change anything.#but there are more ppl being hurt by this system than those benefiting. 99% of us. if everyone picks an apple. that's a lot!#that's a fucking lot! keep going even when it seems like you aren't making progress. make your voice heard. vote. don't passively support a#system that's on its way to destroying you. destroying us all. do what you've got to do to live. but don't forget that all the things that#seem like they don't matter? really really do matter once you add up everyone's contributions. you can't control other ppls actions only#your own. but your contribution matters. your vote matters. your voice matters. join the union. educate yourself. stay curious. question.#the informations out there go online learning 1 thing. challenging 1 bias is better than all or nothing. i dont have time to learn anything#small apples. low hanging fruit. the oceans made up of billions of drops. the longer you don't try. the longer you've no chance of success#we can do better. we can absolutely all do better.
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Being consistently misgendered in DBT is slowly driving me insane.
#our t#I'm literally like. 3 sessions away from finishing this shit and the actual material far outweighs the interpersonal group therapy part#The whole thing would be good if it weren't for the fact that - despite this being arranged by an inclusive mental health service -#NO ONE has any idea of what trans people are beyond like. A mean spirited cartoon of a trans woman. Like from fucking Family Guy#or something (/derogatory). So really none of them have any idea what the word trans even means or what real trans folks can look like#And they deeefinitely don't know that transmasculine or intersex people exist in real life. We're like a goddamn unicorn to them#And this is a nuanced topic for us. It always is. But I specifically entered this space as myself because I'm just kind of#the front man for nervewracking social shit. I can handle that stuff and I don't panic. So I introduced myself as. yknow.#'Hi I'm Dirk I'm transgender and my pronouns are he/him.' Short and simple ID. I'm a geiger counter for this crap#because in my mind if they can't handle a simple he/him from me they're absolutely NOT talking to the rest of my system.#About to shuck off all gender ID labels and just say that we're intersex & use the plural they/them. Just to watch 'em squirm about it#Wrote an email to the idiot leading this group so hopefully something will come of that. Not expecting much though#This is literally the most cisgendered white middle class group of people I've ever encountered#Like. They all have young teens too. Someone actually admitted to me that I remind her of her daughter#Which is nice and all and would be fine if she didn't then consistently fucking misgender me while including me in#conversations about 'girlhood' and how she believes that ''men & women manifest BPD in different ways bc [they] feel different things''#''We as women are just way more in tune with our emotions so they're usually stronger more often! Unlike men who just feel anger''#<- Verbatum quote. My queer ass *just* got done talking abt my experience with being allowed to be emotional#as a clocky queer intersex guy. The answer to which is minimal. And then the gender essentialism never left chat.#Drives me insane because I have so many things to contribute to this but they are all so FUCKING CISGENDER AND PERISEX#And so goddamn WHITE.
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Simultaniously doing two group projects where i'm doing the least of everyone for one and the most for the other sure is an experience.
#Now there's one guy on the second project who looks to have contributed about equally. But like. None of our text is that good.#And that's like painful to me. Somehow. To be clear my own text is part of this & imo has a lot of shortcomings too it's just. Ugh. Idk#sayingthing#The other one i feel like i can't really give critique because it would be against what the person who has done the most By Far is saying.#But like my guy we don't need to have everything on the slide. And yk it's not like he has whole paragraphs or anything but it's just too#much. But i don't think it'll be that big a deal? I just don't want that the want to display anything we might not formulate clearly -#Causes our presentation to be too overwhelming and hard to follow/pay attention to#Then again i'm not even the one presenting and like. Doing the main work so like. Eh. I'll leave it hope they don't think i'm an ass#The main thing with that one was really just stress. For me barely doing anything. Really didn't know what we were doing there at some poin
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genuinely tried to Be Asleep for like two hours this time and just couldn't. I think i'm cursed [unwell]
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#feels pretty much like the first night i got sick (remember that breakdown? lol) except this time i have Overcome the illness#mostly anyways.#but yeah i'm just. augh. not only do i have to deal with literal nightly thoughts of sh now i can't even sleep?!#my curse of Hearing Things immediately working against me the moment i can't hear things clearly#cause ... now i REALLY don't know whats going on#like i know it's not my business and shouldn't be my business but a) i live here and b) i have to hear it either way.#just ... yeah. now that we're probably as settled in as things are gonna get i REALLY do not feel like i'm meant to be here#not in general; as in this physical actual space. there's no thought that something should be made for all of us since they have work#& i ... well i do but [redacted]. so it's the work i make for myself mostly. but yeah so it doesn't matter if nobody sees me eat breakfast#(dont care about that anyways) and it doesnt matter that nobody sees me eat dinner (maybe i care A Little ok) because the whoooole rest of#the day is nebulous Lunch Time. and oh boy let me tell you. i'm not having that either#cause uhm. 'you can eat our food' only means so much until money comes into the equation#like BOY if i thought i was messed up about that before let me tell you: it has become Worse#i dunno. i try to have good days and yet the moment its Asleep Time i am someone completely different#like ... it's like seasonal depressiom but WORSE because theres SUNLIGHT and i LOVE SUNLIGHT#no yeah i think that's exactly the sort of thing i can liken it to now that i think of it#cause i always have like... seasonal issues when it starts gettin dark around 4-5ish range. except right now its summer so its NOT#wish i knew how to really be normal. then maybe at least if i wouldnt have good music making material i could like. meaningfully contribute#to my existence as a roommate#'i'm doing great' says man who is somehow Still Not#relatedly i think my next public facing breakdown is either gonna be about this still or about spinning in the pride parade. time will tell#....i can hear them AGAIN i know why IM up why are THEY#/bangs on wall Go To Sleeeeep leave me alone to also sleep T_T#that's ... that's a joke by the way i'm not doing that. i do feel more tired now so maybe i will have somewhat restful sleep. hopefully
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