#i have caused waaay more stress and trouble than she ever has and for some reason that cheered me up

[amaraudermind]

I feel like I don't know how to hold a conversation anymore

It's like...my anxiety got really bad and super unmanaged for over two years, and I withdrew from everyone, couldn't work, didn't talk to people, barely left the house(not just for anxiety reasons, but it certainly didn't help matters)...the most social interaction I had was talking in the tags of Tumblr posts.

And now I'm...trying, at least, to talk to people again, and be more of a functioning human being. But it's like I've no clue how to talk. I know I used to converse with people at least semi-regularly. I used to do this stuff, if not easily, at least simply.

And now, it's like. I've spent so much time not talking about anything to anyone that I don't remember what stuff people usually share with each other. What's normal to talk about.

[sebasticn]

hi guys i’m late as always because i was cleaning but hi!!! i’m fiona, from the pst timezone, n sebastian here is my troublesome child ... i’ve had him for a while but haven’t been able to develop him as much as i’ve wanted to so i’m super excited to do so here!!

[ douglas booth + cismale + he/him ] —— have you met sebastian vanzin? they are a twenty-three year old senior currently studying music composition. they live on farrow house, and word around campus is that this gemini is audacious + charming, as well as rebellious + egocentric. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. scattered music compositions, pouring a bottle of wine over his head, and snickering behind other’s backs.

HIS BACKGROUND

here’s another little prodigy hoe with family issues into the mix... queue the theme song of succession to play

he comes from a big family, his parents weren’t necessarily looking to raise children or have a family, more so create kids that could one day be of some use to them

he is the oldest kid but literally.... lacks the most responsibility and was not always ‘present’ so to say as the role model of the family.. literally told his younger siblings that their parents don’t love them lmfao

their family life is pretty rigid, parents never said they loved them as kids or that they were proud of them, because it was never good enough for them and they had the most unrealistic expectations for their kids

his parents discouraged his interest in music and pushed him towards fencing and sword fighting so he spent hours upon hours fighting and perfecting it until he started performing in matches etc

he eventually started writing and composing music, he started taking violin. cello, and piano classes with money saved up secretly behind his parents back and met an amazing teacher that taught him everything he knows now this teacher ended up trying to utilize his talents and potential to exploit him for his own good n when seb found that out he felt betrayed and left, accused him of using him and fell into a pit of self pity and teenage angst that everyone around him wanted to benefit off of him in some way 

nothing changed and he went back to sword fighting and piano lessons to the point where his parents just harbored it as eat, sleep, practice, repeat.. he didn’t see his siblings as much as he wanted and this caused a lot of pent up rage and anger towards a lot of people and himself

he got so frustrated during points of his life of feeling trapped and desiring grander things that he started acting out a LOT. he crashed his parents nice ass car when he stole it one night, started sleeping around and essentially ghosting a lot of girls bc he just needed a stress relief! and he didn’t know that if you took a girl’s virginity.. she might call you a lot after! 

started drinking etc and eventually got into trouble way too much in high school he got into a fight w somebody when they provoked him (we love a man with no self control or restraint!) and he sent them to the hospital and eventually into a coma where they didn’t make it.. his parents helped him cover it up and they managed it as self defense but the subject is VERY touchy and it haunts him a lot to this day but let’s not talk about trauma or anything let’s get drunk lmao

eventually his parents got annoyed and shipped him off to boarding school and it was his first time into the world without parental supervision or them breathing down his neck so he went.. total riot club ham and got himself into WAAAY too much trouble freshman year 

HIS PERSONALITY

he’s a smart ass. acts like he knows more than you. incredibly smug. thinks he’s something special bc he’s talented in different aspects and has a love for the arts

spends a lot of time in the library, kind of gatsby esque in his love for big parties and grand things and gestures. very dionysus-like in a way that he’s indulgent and selfish now.. things came full circle and u can blame his parents for that baby!

an instigator for poor choices and bad ideas. he does stupid shit. he gets bored and wants terror..... queue donna tartt “beauty is terror” 

he’s a big family guy.. misses his siblings a lot but always lacked the ability to vocalize his love for them and felt out of place as the eldest child

acts like he’s not a sad boy by distracting himself and drowning himself in dry sarcastic stupid humor when he is in fact a sad boy! think damon salvatore humor at times. maybe even klaus from the umbrella academy

flaunts his money sometimes mostly bc to him money really doesn’t matter despite how shallow he can be sometimes

WANTED CONNECTIONS

fwb, fling!!! something that isn’t serious, just two pals having sex!

a bad influence? somebody he likes to corrupt bc.. finger guns.. that’s his jam! they get into trouble together or he’s always convincing them to do some dumb shitan accomplice!!!!

maybe somebody who knows that he put somebody in a coma and then they passed.. could use it as blackmail against him in some way

he needs friends who will be the ultimate riot club dumbasses and haze other kids and be snooty little posh assholes that wreak havoc and do dumb shit

somebody that he buys drugs from often, they could either not give a fuck about him or maybe sees that he is spiraling into something and is concerned? think maybe fez with rue from euphoria vibes

anyone that hates him.... this is so easy... he’s literally a piece of shit

somebody that he used to train or teach when he was younger? somebody who looked up to him in a way with one of his skills and now knows his personality and is disappointed that they ever looked up to him

[lovemesomesurveys]

When you were young, what did you dream of being when you grew up? When I was a kid, I wanted to be a teacher. In middle school I knew I liked helping people, and when I got to high school freshmen were required to take a health and intro to psychology course. It was then I decided I wanted to get into psychology.

Are you young at heart, or an old soul? I think I’m a kid at heart.

What makes someone a best friend? It’s just a different kind of bond and connection. You feel closer to that person, and feel like you can trust them and tell them anything. They’re usually someone who knows you very well and vice versa.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I like my hair when it’s freshly dyed and looks nice. That’s not the case currently, I’m months overdo. :/ As for what I dislike... everything else. Because I’m months overdo I don’t even like my hair right now either. 

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? I’ve drifted apart from everyone over the past couple years. This past year, especially. I’ve been so distant and withdrawn, which in turn has made me a bad friend. I haven’t been there for them like they deserve. I know I’m not the only one with problems, but I’ve just been so wrapped up in my own shit. I’ve been selfish. I don’t know what’s going on with anyone anymore, and that’s horrible. I’d like to be able to reconnect with them and be there for them, but I’m just so messed up.

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? Emotional connection to me. That’s what really is the root of the relationship and what keeps it going in my opinion. It’s deeper than looks. Not to say physical attraction doesn’t play a role at all, but it’s not the most important because it goes beyond that.

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. I know I’ve been guilty of judging a movie by its title, but of course I can’t think of a specific example right now.

What holiday do you most look forward to? Christmas.

How is the relationship between you and your parents? Very good. My mom and I are especially close, she’s my rock. I am very fortunate to have two supportive, loving parents in my life.

Name a song that never fails to make you happy. I can name songs that make me sad, but I can’t really think of one that makes me feel happy. Like, songs that are upbeat and catchy are fun and nice and all, but they don’t really make me happy.

You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. Actually, I don’t.

Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? No. I’ve never even been on Craigslist.

If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? I’m not sure. I like my state, but my hate my city. So, maybe just another city in my state, or another state entirely. I’d have to travel and experience a few places to get more of an idea.

Can money buy happiness? It could certainly help with some things that are stressful. It’d also allow me to travel and get things that would benefit my family and I. All of that would be nice. However, it wouldn’t get rid of my chronic health issues, both physically and mentally. It wouldn’t fill certain voids. It would be nice, don’t get me wrong, and it would certainly help out a lot, but some things it just can’t buy.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? I don’t drink anymore and haven’t for about four years. I don’t have a desire to as of now. It just wasn’t enjoyable for me, and I was over it. It also wouldn’t mix well with my medications. I haven’t smoked weed in about three years, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it. The opportunity just hasn’t presented itself. I don’t do any drugs, and I have no desire to.

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid? Hmm. I really just liked playing Barbies for hours on end lol.

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? I’ve spent months in the hospital.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? It depends. Being with a group can be fun.

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? Yeah, some. My mom and I listen to a lot of the same. She likes current stuff and music from throughout the 2000s, some 90s stuff, 80s stuff, oldies, and classic rock. I like all that as well.  My dad likes some current stuff, but mostly country and classic rock, which again I like all that as well.

Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? No and no.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Hmm. I don’t know. I tire of even my most favorite foods if I have it too often close together. If I had to eat only one thing for the rest of my life...

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? I’d be fine with that.

Do you believe in a god? Yes.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Yes.

Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended: Well, it’s more that I didn’t see them until after they already ended. Especially like, I Love Lucy and The Dick Van Dyke Show that ended waaay before my time. I also like The Golden Girls and Roseanne, which ended before I got into them.

Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? Nope.

If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? I already don’t drive or own a car. <<<< Same.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? Oh man. That’s tough. Maybe middle school or around then.

What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I don’t know.

What is “normal?” Are you normal? Exactly, what is normal?

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? That’s horrible.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? I mean, I’ve heard of the honeymoon stage ending as they say, but I didn’t think it was necessarily a bad thing. Like, that doesn’t mean they’re not in love or not happy. I just thought it meant that it might not be so lovey dovey all the time. Ha, I don’t know. It’s probably best that I’m single.

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? Yes...

Where do you and your friends go to hang out? It’d usually be like Starbucks or somewhere with food. Or the mall.

What is the best TV theme song ever? Hmm. I don’t know.

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? Nope. I don’t feel comfortable being naked. I don’t know, it feels weird to me. I also don’t like my body so even if no one else would see me, I’d see me. I just prefer wearing clothes.

What gets you out of bed in the morning? Coffee.

Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? No. I suck at maintaining friendships with the two I do have.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? Probably towards the end of the year.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? I don’t have a job, sooo.

What is your favorite sport? I don’t like sports.

What has been troubling you lately? Health related stuff.

Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not? I didn’t want to go initially, but my best friend convinced me to go. I ended up having fun. The best part was that the guy I was crushing on had came up and danced with me. I died. lol.

What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? Logical reasoning.

Tell me about the last book you read. The main character was running away from her troubled life and started anew somewhere else with a different look and identity. She worked on a ranch where she also lived, and they rented cabins to the public. This author guy books one of the cabins, and she and the author get to know each other. He’s a game changer for her. She always pushed people away before it got too serious, but he was different. Anyway, her past starts to catch up with her. He reveals some stuff to her and she learns the truth about some things. She also ends up having to go back to where she ran away from six years prior. Crazy stuff happens. Ha, I suck at summarizing. The books is called, He Found Me by Whitney Barbetti.

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? Hmm. I don’t know what the nicest would be. All of them are nice. To receive any at all is nice.

Who was your first crush? This kid who was like two grades higher than me when I was in 3rd grade.

Predict what your life will look like a year from now. I don’t know, I can’t think that far ahead. I have to take it day by day.

Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended, I want to know how it began: We were introduced through a mutual friend and just hit it off. He expressed interest in me from the start. He was like really flirty and all that. I’m shy and awkward, so it took me a bit. I was like wth someone is actually really interested in me? Things just kind of took off and thus began three years of ups and downs and something, whatever it was between us. I fell for him hard.

Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? Just really depends on what I’m in the mood for.

Early bird or night owl? I’m really not either one. I used to be such a night owl, but literally I’m just so tired all day.

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? I still have my Barbies and a lot of stuffed animals packed away in the garage.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have. Pineapples do NOT belong on pizza! End of discussion.

Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. In California.

Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? That’s tough. I think it’s good to encourage the members and congratulate them. It is a team effort, after all. They worked hard. However, it is nice to be recognized for your achievements. Some work harder, or go beyond, and they deserve something for that. That could also encourage the others to try harder, too. Gah, I don’t know. I’m not making sense. I feel like that sounds bad. Basically, the whole team should be congratulated and encouraged. They can get something to showcase that and/or throw a party for the team or something like a lot of teams do at the end of the season. I just don’t know if everyone should be awarded a trophy for participating. That seems like something that is earned for doing something above and beyond or a special skill, ya know?

What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? From California to Idaho.

Would you ever use an online dating service? It’s not something I’m interested in.

If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? Sometimes that just doesn’t work financially, unfortunately. That’s how some people end up doing something they hate because it pays better.

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? Alone doing something I enjoy. I’ve found myself in the second situation many times, and truthfully I just wanted to be back at home. :| Those situations are just uncomfortable and unpleasant. I’d feel very out of place. In those cases, I’d rather be comfortable at home doing something I actually want to do.

Do you practice what you preach? Not always. I could certainly follow my own advice sometimes.

Are you hard-headed? I can definitely be stubborn at times.

Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? Not that I can recall.

Do you often skip breakfast? All I have in the morning is a cup of coffee and a couple muffins or a donut. It’s pretty rare that I eat anything big before noon.

How do you express your creativity? I enjoy coloring.

Describe your neighborhood. Not much to say? It’s pretty quiet and chill.

Name something you only liked because it was popular. Hmm.  I am sure there are examples of this from when I was younger, but I can’t think of any right now.

Give me the story of your life in six words. It’s a series of unfortunate events. Haaa.