#I saw how this show was celebrated
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Okay.
I was mad about S2E8, but the fan response has me worried. I'm seeing people being very uncharitable towards each other and the creators. The fandom infighting I can live with. That's fandom for you. But I am concerned about how this could impact the creators. Rant incoming, be ye warned.
First and foremost, I hope the entire creative team behind OFMD turns off their internet for a while. I'm sure they're getting absolutely mobbed right now, and they don't deserve it. I want to trust them to understand how the internet works and tune out, because this is the kind of shit that damages people. I'm genuinely scared for them.
We have got to stop making it dangerous to tell Queer stories. It's hard not to lash out when something hurts, and the internet makes lashing out so easy to do. It hurts like hell when you (reluctantly) trust a creator, and they disappoint you. But I can't think of a Queer show or creator that hasn't faced online harassment from the Queer community, and that is fucking tragic.
I didn't like S2E8. I thought it was poorly executed, especially compared to the astonishingly high-quality writing in the rest of the show. But just because I didn't think it was good, doesn't mean it has to be evil. And frankly, I hope no one involved with the show ever sees my criticism of it. As a writer, I know what kind of feedback helps, and what just hurts. My venting and analysis isn't for them, it's for me and my fellow pirate enjoyers. My feelings have a place, and DJenkins' inbox is not it. Telling a story I personally disliked is not a crime. There should be no punishment for doing it.
I trusted the OFMD team to tell a good story. That trust has taken a dent or two, because a character I cared for died in a way that was, to my mind, trite, forced, unsatisfying, and unkind. That was disappointing. I am disappointed. I can live with that. But if the creators suffer for telling Queer stories, that would be unfathomably worse. And if that scares people off from telling Queer stories in future? That would be heartbreaking.
I wish I could rage and froth about the stories I care about without worrying about collateral damage. And if those stories weren't about marginalized people, I could. That's the kicker. That's the double standard. People who create and consume status-quo-ass-kissing media don't have to worry so much about this shit. Their icons can commit terrible real-world crimes and sell memoirs about it. Mine can't even make a divisive narrative choice without getting loudly condemned straight to super-hell.
TL:DR Creators of Queer stories get held to impossible standards. Please leave DJenkins and the team alone. Online harassment = bad.
(Note: Edited for more clarity and less sensationalizing language.)
#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd season 2#ofmd spoilers#ofmd s2e8#will I delete this? who knows#I hate discourse#I just wanted to come on here and bitch but now its an EPIC BATTLE OF GOOD AND EVIL#this is what I feared the most#I saw how this show was celebrated#and I thought#here we go#we can't have nice things#I hate the internet#edited
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slaymas vibes with gus and matt ✨❤️💚
#“slaymas” is what em (emsprovisions) and i decided the boiling isles celebrates instead of christmas#yes the name is silly that was on purpose#gustholomule#the owl house#gus porter#matt tholomule#augustus porter#toh mattholomule#toh fanart#the boys are 23/24 here#their sweaters are so dumb i love them. gus saw the design and showed matt IMMEDIATELY like “omt we HAVE to match”#matt pretended he hated it at first but he was just as excited as gus was#i hadnt drawn anything for like a month before this but i’m happy with how it turned out#steph draws#x
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just in time to spin the prompt / inspiration wheel via @lotrmusical for the 1 year anniversary of watermill theater lotr musical today:
the way louis maskell says "mr gandalf—please" with a laugh in his voice as he kneels next to sam to "protect" him from being turned into anything unnatural
#sketching quickly (i.e. < 5 hrs. not counting the time spent Avoiding Task) is definitely a challenge for me but a fun one so: yay#corned beef#lotr#lotr musical#watermill anniversary creative celebration#test tube png: finally....gandalf's unnaturals#visual elements to wrangle like ''i never saw this show'' or ''i'm linking nonliteral brightness of expression & voice i guess?''#livewire cyanish cerulean was Destined so here it is#just a handful of nights ago i finally actually listened to an audio (had heard anything about &/or from watermill prior though)#it was an experience (read in a tone of Profound Meaning)#relevantly got near tears listening to wisps of star of earendil.mp3 while making this so you know how it is. aiya#was thinking i Might see if i could draw something Day Of; Quick (<5 hrs)#then there was discussion of the [backing into frodo's arms] [kneelings] like profound. illuminating#then the Wheel Of Inspiration yielded this so it was like okay!!#the intensification of my Fave Elements also goes like lotr > hobbits > frodo and sam > frodo so another few layers of Alignment#anyways my more extensive ''just heard lotr musical. argh'' remarks in the tags of those audio posts ft. several songs lmao lol ;w;#plenty more to say; forever. it is like [lotr] in this way. go figure
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time and time again the only things that take me out of deep depressive states are having fun and spending time with people and yet everytime i get so shocked like wow! love and fun and laughter sure made me feel like life is worth it again. who would've thought
#phew. im so tired but im very relieved#today was a good day. it feels so rare to ever be able to say this but it was#i went to sleep properly and woke up early and took a shower and had breakfast#my brother got to skip school and so he stayed home and we hung out together#i figured out how to make my headphone's mic work so we played lethal company together#then we watched the entirety of the snapcube sonic rider fandub together (because i never saw it)#then my mom had to go out in the city and celebrated her new paycheck by getting us ice cream#then at night my friends and i did our weekly dunmeshi watch party and izutsumi finally showed up#and now im here. and i feel very nice. im glad to be here today#🧃.txt
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💖💜💙
i hope the folks planning on resurrecting Supernatural [re:jackles] are taking notes on what's happening in the 9-1-1 fandom and with this Buck character right now. i know next to nothing about this show, but i do know that 'Buddie' is a major mlm ship between two guy friends and that this guy Buck - a strong macho man in his 30s - has just been canonised as BISEXUAL! with a MLM kiss! after SIX seasons! the subtext was there all along but the network was not on board, by the sounds of it; a change of network saw this queercoded middle-aged male character finally set free. no more subtext, no insinuations that could be interpreted one way or another, just undeniable beautiful text.
i'm thrilled for everyone in the 9-1-1 fandom and for this positive queer rep in media! here’s hoping other shows will take note - namely Supernatural. Dean has 15 seasons of queer subtext under his belt and he would now be in his mid 40s. it’s never too late to canonise a queer character. characters are never too old to realise they’re queer. this is such an important message, and while i can’t speak for the buckgirls i can say that queer deangirls have been relating to his queercoding for almost 2 decades, including 15 seasons of bi!Dean and 12 seasons of Destiel. seeing a character like Buck come out as queer after SIX seasons (i’ll keep saying it, it’s fucking amazing) is such a win not just for queer folk but for good storytelling; i know there were likely obstacles in finally getting here, and it would be great if queer characters could come out whenever they want instead of struggling against tptb, but six seasons has given the show a wonderful amount of time to delve into Buck’s character and journey with him through various plotlines. as a fan of the slow burn for romance, and a good amount of time for character development to play out, i love that there’s six whole seasons of Buck backstory to delve into for the leadup to his bisexual canonisation.
happy bi day Buck, may you inspire more creative control to cater to the characters instead of some suit in an office who’s never even seen your show and doesn’t care about your journey and narrative freedom. today is a great day.
(the first gif is Buck’s first mlm kiss. the second gif is a moment from a gay comedy called Looking that many people have pointed out perfectly encapulates how a Destiel kiss might play out on screen.)
💖💜💙
#dean is bi#let him be free#spn posting#911 buck is bi#thoughts#spn reboot#can i also just say: it's so good to see a character who wasn't written explicitly as the queer character yknow? this isn't some#teenbeat coming of age drama with a queer character reveal in season 1 and a queer ship canonised in season 2#we're talking SIX WHOLE SEASONS of character development - watching this guy grow and how his#relationships with others change and evolve over YEARS of storylines. it's unknown whether buddie will#be canonised but that's secondary. this is a huge milestone for queer characters and bisexual (male) characters#moreover in a show that isn't made for teens or centred on queer identities. this guy was allowed to BE#and honestly that's more than what castiel. castiel was killed off for his queerness and then they#killed dean too rather than let him be queer. but with 911 - the show is ongoing! it's not an endtimes reveal#it's going to be allowed to exist in the narrative moving forward meaning everyone who saw the#queercoding of his characters for SIX whole seasons is seeing it come to fruition. the meta was there#and it's not belittled or ignored or criticised or condemned but embraced and celebrated and rewarded!#it's never too late#for characters or long-running shows to be allowed to be true to their narrative#destiel
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like i just can't get these images of the nitzana border out of my brain. "no aid for the enemy" written in plain english to announce to the world they're proud to be starving the people they've kept imprisoned for decades. the cotton candy machine. the children. without context you'd think it's just a bunch of families gathering for a picnic
#quality is shit cause the acc went private and i had to screenshot what still showed up#just. god. i saw this last night followed by the comments from those other blogs about how ''anti israel ppl celebrate death over life''#and i just couldn't sleep#this shit is so disturbing. these people are so disturbing#and there are already images and news of emanciated children from the north who died because of roaches like these#and then i have to see my US friends drown in debt due to chronic illness while their progressive lesser of two evils president#sends billions in aids and arms across continents to help maintain this barbarism instead of helping his own people#it's like every bit of disgust i ever felt towards the western powers has been exacerbated in these past few months#and these pictures are just the tip of the iceberg of how they justify the terror they inflict in the global south#i'm so sick i'm so tired. i don't want them to ''die and go to hell' i want them to suffer consequences still in life#i want them to sit and watch helplessly as their bloody empire falls#i hope these children grow to despise their parents. i hope they are remembered with nothing but disgust and disdain#there's truly nothing more dangerous in this world than a fascist who jerks off to their own victimhood
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HI OLI HERE AGAIN, IM HERE TO UPDATE PSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPS!!!!
soooo after that night with michael, seb is like a bittt addicted to sex. he begged oliver to fill him up every time they can. and seb said he only do homework when oliver's cock shoved up to his pussy.
seb's mom and his stepfather had a huge argument, and she left for a couple of days (or weeks). by the time oliver has no care for his girlfriend because his attention is all in her cute son. they spent time together a lot. and seb even begged his stepfather to be his boyfriend so they can fuck anywhere.
seb's fav thing is when his stepfather wake him up with his cock inside his pussy, thrusting sloppy until the younger get overwhelmed and wake up.
until one day and it was seb's birthday, oliver took him to the grid and they met michael again. but this time, lewis is also included. lewis just turned 18 and the adults wanted him to try something for the first time..
YEAH THATS ALL FOR NOW.
ive been busy with college and work 😭 i dont have much time for our baby girl sebi. you can continue this and give me more idea to continue the convo!!!
HI OLII SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLYY I JUST STARTED MY NEW SEM !! I HOPE UR WELL
Omg sebby my bby look at you so cock and cum drunk from that one night, who wouldve thought this innocent clingy and kind boy is on his knees all night to suck his stepdad's cock🥰
Oliver trying to make seb lose focus by thrusting his hips up everytime seb is too concentrated with his homework ! But seb is trying his best to not get distracted otherwise he wont get any fucking that night ! Both are playing this fight where you push and pull and it looks like seb is not going to give up anytime soon but judging by the way he moans and wiggles his cute perky ass so that he can angles the cock inside of him to reach that sweet part, hes losing the battle slowly and oliver has to teach him a lesson <3
Ohh !! I wonder how seb will react to his parents fighting each other and having a huge argument. He would flinch and tremble a lot from afar as he watches his mom packs her stuffs and leaves them both. Seb is already sniffling in tears and oliver had to pick him up to soothe him, telling him that it'll be fine, shes just going out to have some rest even though oliver is already cursing at her for making his seb cries and gets so hurt. Hes gonna give him lots of kisses and hugs until seb couldnt help but to cling onto him all the time, 24/7.
Ohhhh somnophillia with bby seb is also cute too 🥺 like imagine him getting all drowsy but still wanting to have something inside of him, his stepdad's cock is the best solution. He also likes to suck on oliver's fingers whenever hes experiencing nightmares and by the time he wakes up the next morning, oliver is already set on kissing his necks and leaving marks on it as he grabs seb's legs and pushes it close to his chest for a better angle to fuck the boy. Good morning sebb ☺ 🌸 nasty little slut, wanting your stepdad to fuck you anywhere and use you like a toy. Its their favourite thing to do, especially with the thrill of it.
And ouuu seb must be so happy to see michael again ! Hes already running and hugging the man who is also equally happy to see him but whats this?! Lewis is there 😳???? The sudden change of plot happens? Seb doesnt know about this but judging by how michael and oliver are already sitting comfortably on the chairs, seb is getting the signals especially when lewis looks at him with eyes full of lust and need that it made the boy squirm in his place. Theyre not that far apart from each other, seb can feel lewis' presence and when he finally reaches out to grab seb by his cheeks, the boy has become so putty and needy that lewis had to hold him as to not let him fall to the ground.
I can imagine lewis taking it slow with seb because well hes obviously awkward too ! What more with two adults watching but when he finally gets inside seb who is trembling and clenching lewis' shirt for more, hes a gone case and his mind is set to fuck seb until the two adults that are watching tells him to stop out of jealousy. Their prides are strong bus is it strong enough to surpass the need of wanting to fuck seb? We'll see about that 😏
And omg yes 😭 i'll be getting busier now that new sem has already started for me so im gonna be late too ! Please feel free to just send in asks in my inbox and i'll be sure to get back to youu <3 hope to see more from the convo olii
#oli tells#oli anon#hurmmm#i wonder what made michael and oli invite lewis#like ofc they wanted to show the adult world to him but like#why him?? specifically?#is it because they saw how lewis has been eyeing him?#or is it because lewis is a new wdc and they want to celebrate him for that?#either way as long as sebs getting fcked we dont mind it at all
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#phineas and ferb#dead end paranormal park#i am so happy about the pnf renewal#i truly am#but in my post celebrating its renewal i said in the tags how it was refreshing for an animated show#to not be cancelled for once in the current entertainment climate that visibly has it out for animation#and then so soon after i saw the news that dead end was cancelled#and now i feel weird celebrating#because at least phineas and ferb got its conclusion back when it ended before#and dead end may never get that now *on screen*#which is incredibly upsetting#very bittersweet day for me and probably other animated show enthusiasts
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Happy Birthday to @snoobins !
#Happy birthday!#I really hope you like the collages and edits i made!#i wanted to pay homage to what an artist you are and went on a deep dive down your creations over the years!#even though it was your birthday present#i had a lot of fun just seeing how your gifs have changed and the same with your builds in AC#It was hard choosing what builds to use because i honestly loved all of them! so i limited myself to a color palette of light and dark#then did rainbow for the edit#its my firsr time doing both so i hope they arent underwhelming or anything!#youve supported me a lot in everything I've tried to accomplish but dont always hold yourself to that same standard#i even saw you didnt feel good about your angles in the AC pictures but i thought they were perfect!#they showed off the details of the rooms really well and all the little stuff you might not see otherwise#Anyway#i just had a lot of fun making this and hope you enjoy it just as much watching it!#i wanted to appreciate you here because you're seriously the kindest person i know and if there is anything unconditional in the world#i believe it is your friendship and loyalty#so i want to repay that however i can especially on your birthday when i get to celebrate you being you!#never change and heres to another year together!#i love you so so so much#And thank you just for being the great human you are!#make sure to spoil yourself for me!#(ps if the video or the photo is too grainy i can send it privately)#i want it to be clear i didnt change any of the coloring on your gifs because they're perfect just how they are! i just compiled them!#<3 <3 <3
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watched Intro to Knots again and I know the consensus is that season 4 is bad but it has SO much trobed content it’s almost worth it
#community#intro to knots#trobed#they put troy in a whole ass relationship with a woman#and all it did was serve to show how much deeper and more meaningful his relationship with abed was#he listened to britta talk about feminism for like 15 extra seconds than he previously would have on account of them dating#and then immediately went 'ok i have to go do something' super monotone#and then saw abed and his face LIT UP and then he gave him a super meaningful christmas present#despite the fact that neither of them celebrate christmas but that's not the point#the point is he cared soooo much about abed liking his gift and he didn't give a shit about britta#and i think season 4 was super sexy for that alone#the inspector spacetime conventions episode? top tier#he literally got called abed's boyfriend and was like "mhm yea' while britta was Right There#i think britta even called him that??
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I'll be honest w y'all i do not intend on catching up w yj any time soon
#i think the finale aired? i saw a tweet ab the finale#but i just. do not care i must admit#i was so excited ab this season this show was a comfort show but the aspects of the fandom ive seen lately just. not good don't vibe#i think a Lot of the s1 and waiting experience for me was fandom based so this show is very fandom oriented for me#and knowing that everyone ive seen talk ab the show on twitter is violently hating the main character that draws me to the show is. mhm#like dont get me wrong i like the girls too!! theyre all mostly pretty likable for me its just.#im at a. specific point in my transition rn where im more drawn to male characters just bc of like. where im at idk#i dont feel like i have to explain it tbh but i also do bc i have seen fans of this show get attacked for far less#but going into s2 ben was my#my main interest i guess the main focus for me and maybe that's stupid but its what it is#and so everything just being the entire fandom hating him is just. not making me wanna watch at all#like im not gonna speak on if they're justified in hating him or not bc i have no idea i havent seen it and its truly not the point#like theyre valid for hating him and im not tryna talk shit on them for it it just kinda has been so loud that im not having fun anymore#idk. idk where this is going or what the solution is like i love this show but genuinely#can not bring myself to watch bc i will not enjoy the moments my favorite character is on screen bc i will Know people r loudly anti him#so im just kinda staying away i guess#idk. i kinda want them to. kill him off so i dont have to deal w it anymore#but i also know that when they kill him off people will be loudly celebrating and maybe thats worse#idk. i think the only way for me to win here is to change how i feel ab ben and not care ab him and join the hate train but i don't want to
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JAREN WON DPOY OMGGG
MY BABYDOLL!!! MY BABYGIRL!!!!! MY SWEET!!
ONE STEP FOR MAN!
ONE G I A N T LEAP FOR WARRIORCATS ROLEPLAY 🥳 🎊 🥂 🎉 🪅 !!!!!
#THANK U FOR THE ASK LOL I WAS JUST ABT TO GUILTTRIP POST ABT HOW NO ONE @ED ME LMAO#u know me so well <33#LET THE RECORDS SHOW!!!#... this would not be possible without all my thirstposting for his thicc thighs and ass#LET IT BE KNOWN!!!!#im like his own personal spike lee#let me on the boat when u celebrate jjj!!!#imma get the HOAT award FOSHURE#H*rniest Of All Time#LMAO IM PLAYIN ANYWAYS#im so happy for him 😭😭😭#his momma was so happy!!!! their fam is so cute i love them#SEE!! the grizzlies NEED to win this playoff yall#the ad lovers are ON HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!#I NEED HIM PROTECTED!! i need him WINNING ‼️‼️#PLEASE#yall theyre gonna rip him apart if the grizz lose to them 😭 I CANT WATCH!!!#even AYE have a limit to tormenting the skrunkilies ok!!!#he might not have a ring but he has a fatass!!! and a dpoy! cry about it bitch !!#i saw ad trick a poor little sponge and a seastar into a chocolate bar selling pyramid scheme smh HE ISNT INNOCENT!!!!!#JAREN 4EVER‼️‼️#ted asks#jaren#THE PEOPLES jarebear !!
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.
#I wonder if the people who are about to allow the bill through its first reading are sleeping soundly. I wonder what they’ll#eat for breakfast. how do they go about getting dressed? do they stare into their sock drawer and feel a terrifying dread about the bill?#are they as afraid of it failing as I am afraid of it passing?#do they at least think they’re doing the right thing? do they think they’re acting for the greater good?#is it just malice in their heart? anger?#do you think they’ll let it through because of adamant passion? do you think they don’t really care and they’re just doing what#they think their friends would like?#will they shrug at any outcome? would they celebrate with friends and handshakes and toasts? if it fails do you think they’ll go home and#weep at the lack of control they have over their world? will they wonder if they should move somewhere more tolerant of their transphobia?#do you think they have a specific trans person in mind as they let the bill through?#are they remembering a specific person? are they thinking ‘this bill needs to pass so my kids don’t end up like that’?#I wonder if they’ve ever been a customer in my store. I wonder if I helped them. I wonder if they took a look at me and#decided ‘I cannot allow this kind of sin to exist.’ what if I motivated them with my upsetting little existence?#I’ve seen so many old men in expensive suits. I’ve embarrassed them by carrying their things to their car because they didn’t realize a GIRL#would show up to do it. how many times have I heard ‘oh YOURE carrying it? I was expending a strapping young man!’#maybe they just saw me for a moment and thought ‘oh god what an ugly dyke. this is why transgendering should be banned.’?#I don’t understand why they get to make decisions like this for me. It isn’t even a vote. they’ll go to work and do their job: determine#whether I am allowed to exist or not. I’ll go to work and do my job: be a cashier and be nothing else.#they have the power to determine my entire life. I couldn’t even refuse to help them if they came to my job.#maybe they’ll even stop by after work and check out at my register and they’ll be polite for the sake of convenience and I’ll be polite too#and they’ll leave and think ‘thank goodness people#like that won’t be allowed to change their bodies anymore. I hope she’s able to be normal and make a good wife for someone and stop this.’#sorenhoots
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my toronto-trip happened to coincide with the last toronto show of taylor swift's tour so i've been getting to people-watch all day with so many people clearly dressed in their concert outfits
there's even a tree near the children's hospital where people have been hanging up friendship bracelets on the strands of christmas lights the city put up and encouraging people to take a bracelet and leave one of their own. and like say what you will about taylor swift and the culture surrounding her but this is just objectively adorable. especially since most of the people i saw at the tree were little kids but even seeing teens/adults get this excited was sweet. like even tho taylor swift has plenty of overpriced merch (as all big musicians do) the most iconic "merch" items from this tour are handmade by fans for fans and accessible to pretty much anyone
like can this friendship bracelet thing catch on for other fanbases??? would love to go to the kith shows this week and trade friendship bracelets that say shit like "chicken lady" or "impolite and evil"
#i do have some kith bracelets i made and some i've gotten from online friends but unfortunately i left them all at home :(#may genuinely ask my parents to bring them up for me if they're in the place i think they are#anyway i've actually enjoyed the vibes of seeing how the eras tour has taken over toronto. i know some people get annoyed at it which valid#bc i also agree taylor swift is overexposed and has done/said shitty things and isn't the best singer/songwriter of all time#but also? idk i just like the vibe of people getting excited about things!!#and how this all feels like celebrating a holiday in a kids-party-way. like when else do you see people dressing up and giving out treats#and yeah i wish people were getting this excited about the show I'M excited about rather than one i'm not going to/don't care about#but at the end of the day. that bracelet tree was very cute when else are you going to have that#i saw a little boy complaining none of the other boys in his class like taylor swift and y'know i don't either but i'd support him lmao
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ohhhhhhh my god. ohhhhhhh my god. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god.
#rubys text tag#UWAAAAAA TEN GOKAIGER WAS SO GOOD!!!!! theres so much i loved about it#I LOVED SEEING EVERYONE COME BACK TOGETHER!!!! I REALLY LIKED SEEING HOW THE FIRST HALF OF THE FILM PLAYED OUT#they like took a more realistic approach to how gokaiger would be like in the 2020s and i really liked where they were going with the plot#it didnt matter that the villains ended up being alien pirates. THAT JUST MEANT MORE RIVAL PIRATE FACTIONS#which i felt gokaiger needed. to me personally. as a one piece enjoyer#I LOVED THE REFERENCES it was cute how basco's actor returned as a derby commentator and he had a cute monkey plush#i like teared up when i saw everyone do their gokai change and when they played the updated hero getter#UWAAAAAA THEY REMEMBERED CHARACTERS!!!! THEY REMEMBERED OLDER CHARACTERS NOW GROWN UP!!!!#from like early on in the show!!! okay the gokai galleon forms were a lil bit clunky looking but i love that they got their own super forms#IM ACTUALLY GLAD THE SUPER SENTAI REFERENCES IN THIS ONE WERE MORE SUBTLER!!!!#because this was a film more about gokaiger than super sentai in general (zenkaiger was airing that year we dont need another#super sentai-themed celebatory project) and seeing the bts footage of the cast hanging out and having fun its just AAAAAAA#THIS WAS A FILM WITH ALOT OF LOVE AND PASSION PUT INTO IT!!!! if gokaiger the show was a super sentai celebration#ten gokaiger was a celebration of the show it came from. why the hell arent more anniversary reunion films like this#<-shes only seen ooo 10th and she thought it was pretty good. ten gokaiger blew ooo 10th out of the water THIS WAS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!#gokaiger spoilers#ten gokaiger spoilers#okay okay okay i think thats all i wanted to say here its just YAAAAAAY!!!!! good fucking film i was satisfied#idk how other people felt about ten gokaiger but i really loved it
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the depth of abandonment trauma i'm discovering i have is kind of insane
#my dad was absent by choice and my mom by circumstance and i raised myself#god. that's fucked up#i saw a reel earlier about growing up with an absent mother and it just stung me to my core#all the little things i forgot. coming to her about something and i couldn't show her it. she would be napping or praying or something#and want me to leave her alone. or i would want to tell her about things and she wouldn't feel well and i would never get the chance#i asked her so many times when i was a teenager if we could do things and she was always too busy or not feeling well or forgot#or couldnt or wasnt interested. and then she would complain we never spent time together or did anything fun#she didnt go to any of my plays. or my graduation celebrations#or my choir performances. i had to drop clubs to take care of her#she would be on the phone when i needed to talk to her about things or ignore me after my dad gave me verbal beatings to sleep#and i would have to sit in the hall and cry quietly from like ages 7-10 for her to pay any attention when it got late#i had to hide food wrappers in the trash because she restricted the kind of food i could eat and did the crunchy mom food shaming thing#i didnt tell her about my friends or my life or my online world or even when i was being stalked by my ex. because she wouldn't listen#i just felt quiet and small and worthless around her. nothing was ever a big enough problem for her for it to be worth anything more than a#one-off discussion that she would forget about. all she ever talked about was my brother and she gave him so many more chances than me#i love her still. she's done a lot of good things for me and my partner#and she's learning how to be better and she tried her best with a tbi and shitty marriage and other stuff#that being said. she still doesnt feel like my mother#an aunt if anything. but i dont think i can ever really see her as my mother#because she took all my care and kindness and then left me to raise myself when i needed her. both intentionally and not#and i dont know how to forgive her for that#wow! thats therapy topics for latwer. goddamn.#vent
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