#I really hit some holes this year in terms of chronic pain

[krokaxe]

re: end of the year asks--3, 11, 19! (-:

End of Year Asks

3. Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year? 11. Something you want to do again next year? 19. What’re you excited about for next year?

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 3. Blood Orchid. I think I'd listened to them sooner but this is the year I sought them out with intent.

11. Learn new things! I threw the gears into accomplishing what I want to this year; it's a good start and I feel better for it.

19. T a t t o o s

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

[maulusque]

guess who just learned a whole lot about burns for a smut fic

it me.

so anyway now i have Ideas about how clone medics would treat blaster burns and they Definitely aren’t all going to make it into the fic because the blaster burn is honestly supposed to be an excuse for one character to undress the other

TW: burns, description of how severe burns affect the body (clinical, not graphic) and burn treatment

So, let’s assume that damage from a blaster bolt is basically a burn that is very small in terms of surface area, and whose depth depends on whether or not it was a direct hit, any armor you were wearing, the power of the blaster, etc. So you get 3rd and 4th degree burns that are like an inch square, which you don’t really see in the real world that often. I think any blaster bolt that comes into contact with a person is going to inflict AT LEAST a third degree burn (which means the epidermis and dermis are destroyed, basically the whole thickness of the skin), but usually would be deeper (4th degree), destroying muscle and bone and whatever else is in there. You’d only get away with a second degree burn if the blaster bolt just skimmed you and didn’t actually hit. Skin around the blaster wound would be white or black.

A skimming shot (2nd degree burn) would actually be the most painful, because once you get to 3rd and 4th degree burns, the nerve endings are destroyed so you don’t feel any pain. Which means that when you get shot with a full-power blaster bolt, you might feel a momentary flash of pain, but then nothing, and if the shot doesn’t immediately down you, you’d probably just keep going, and you might not even notice. Which. Imagine the angst potential of a clone trooper being shot 3 or 4 times and just. not knowing. Clone troopers who keep fighting despite being riddled with blaster bolts, right up until they collapse dead, never even knowing they were shot. Oof.

On the other hand, a weaker shot, say, one that hit a weak point in your armor or came from an underpowered blaster, might dissipate slightly on contact, meaning you’d still get the deep wound that wouldn’t hurt, but there’d be a small area of 3rd and 2nd degree burn around the opening, which would hurt like hell. A painful blaster wound would be a good sign, since it means it isn’t as deep.

Treating blaster burns wouldn’t be quite like real-world burn treatment, because real-world burns, especially severe 3rd and 4th degree burns, tend to cover a lot more surface area of the body than a blaster bolt would, because the things that tend to burn you that badly are not tiny and focused like a blaster bolt. Which means a blaster wound is probably less lethal than severe 4th degree burns, so yay for that i guess. Bacta patches, as well as the ability to cover the entire wound site easily without risking damage to delicate tissue, would greatly reduce the risk of infection.

Treatment involves excision (removal) of dead tissue, and usually for 3rd degree burns, skin grafts. 4th degree burns tend to need amputation- but I’m not sure if that would apply in a situation where the burn is deep but very small- instead of burning your fingers down to the bones (don’t go look at the wikipedia article for burns unless you want to see that), it’s just one small area of your body, with living tissue all around it. And since Star Wars has Magic Healing Juice, clone medics probably don’t need to go around performing amputations on everyone who gets shot in a limb. 

I think that burn treatment in the Clone Wars would be somewhat like this:

-in the field, slap a big ol’ bacta patch on it, to protect the wound and help stabilize the patient until further treatment can be performed (bacta would help the body handle the sudden physical trauma, as well as actively fight off any infectious microorganisms). Most blaster burns would probably heal okay with just a bacta patch (see: Rex on Saleucami), but really won’t heal properly without actual treatment. (Although Rex seemed to be just fine the next day, despite the nerve damage that immobilized his arm. My personal theory is that Kix used some sort of mega bacta patch, a step up from the standard. The little blinky lights on it indicate that it has electric components for some reason, so my interpretation is that somehow that bacta patch has Extra Features (tm) that allow it to regenerate nerves)

-once there is more time, the patient can be treated for reals. Removal of dead tissue could be accomplished by a medic with a scalpel, but it would also be interesting if there was a patch or ointment of some kind which was applied to a wound which would just, dissolve the dead tissue without damaging the surrounding tissue. Perhaps it involves some sort of microbe. Sort of like those tanks of tiny fish you stick your feet in and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes? Like that, but microscopic and for wound care. 

-the medic would then apply a burn patch, which is essentially a specialized bacta patch. The patch not only applies bacta to the wound, but also contains a pre-generated skin graft, so that as the wound heals, it incorporates the skin tissue from the patch into the healing wound site. The patch is not meant to be removed or replaced. Eventually, once the wound is healed, the top layer of the bacta patch is shed like dead skin flaking off a sunburn. These patches were developed specifically for the GAR, and can only be used on clones, since the skin tissue is generated from clone stem cells. The burn patches greatly speed up and improve burn treatment, since clone medics don’t have to go back in later and perform a skin graft, and subsequently monitor the healing of two wound sites, which would greatly increase the chance of infection. 

-Nerve regeneration does not always occur with the standard burn patches, and if it does, is not always complete or perfect. Many clones, therefore, have small numb patches at the sites of old blaster wounds. They may also suffer chronic cutaneous pain at those sites. Unlike in the real world, treatment for this would exist, but would not be available to clone troopers since clone trooper healthcare sucks.

-Nerve-regenerating treatments, like Rex received on Saleucami, are expensive, and are only used when the nerve damage is severe enough to be disabling (e.g. Rex’s arm). The special patches are particularly costly, and normally Kix would have waited until Rex was back in the medbay in order to apply a slightly less costly treatment for his nerve damage, but since they weren’t able to transport Rex and had to treat him in the field, and the nerve-regeneration treatments become less effective the longer treatment is delayed, Kix used the Mega-Healing Patch right away. 

-so post-engagement med-bays would have the following procedure: blaster wound patients who are well enough to move on their own (which is more of them than you might expect, since they’re not bleeding out or immobilized by pain), would line up in the med-bay, probably along a wall or in a designated area. Medical techs would go around, removing armor and blacks around wound sites and cleaning the area with water. They would then apply debriding ointment (the dead-tissue-eating stuff), and move on to the next patient while the microscopic pedicure fishes do their jobs. The patient would be checked every ten minutes or so to see if the ointment has finished removing all of the dead tissue. I think it would be cool if the ointment fizzed as it worked, due to the microorganisms releasing gasses as they metabolize dead tissue, and once the ointment stops fizzing, you know it’s done.

 Once that is done, the ointment is gently removed, and a burn patch is applied. The patient is assessed for further treatment, paperwork is filled out, painkillers given if the wound is less severe (and therefore painful), and the trooper is free to go. Troopers would probably be talking to each other and cracking jokes, singing songs, or complaining about being bored. Most of them aren’t even in pain. Medics aren’t at all reluctant to physically hogtie a trooper to prevent them from moving since it’s easy to forget that you’re wounded and start roughhousing with your brothers.

-improperly treated blaster wounds, i.e. ones that only received a bacta patch instead of a burn patch, would take much longer to heal, would leave a more noticeable scar, and would cause the skin and muscle of the healing wound to contract, which could be painful and limit mobility, depending on the location of the wound.

-which is why it is common practice to check your squad-mates for blaster wounds they may have missed after engagements, and it’s not uncommon for a medic to menacingly track you down like “I know you got shot, i saw it happen, now get your ass into my med bay before i write you up for clinical stupidity”

so ANYWAY there’s my Clone Wars Medical Headcanon of the day, happy new year. I’m going to go back to writing my smut and if anyone can guess the pairing i will be VERY impressed

MORE under the cut because i fell down a bit of a rabbit hole lol

OKAY so dehydration is a big concern with burns because the skin is what retains fluid and severe burns obviously damage your skin. Fluid leaks from the burn area, since the skin is no longer present to contain it, and this leads to loss of electrolytes and dehydration, and can be lethal. From my brief google foray, it seems that it wouldn’t be a huge concern for blaster wounds, since the surface area that is burned is very small. However, multiple blaster wounds would probably be dangerously dehydrating. Clone troopers in standard blaster wound treatment (i.e. the guys sitting around bored while the debriding ointment fizzes) are probably fine with oral rehydration, meaning that someone shoves a bottle of rehydration formula at them and makes them drink it while they wait. 

Patients with more severe blaster wounds are probably kept hydrated intravenously.

There are also potential complications during or after wound healing that are very interesting! Fluids continue to leak from damaged tissue while the wound is healing, and if the surface heals before the deep tissue, can lead to edema (basically, accumulation of fluid in body tissue) can occur. Edemas get worse with rehydration. If the wound doesn’t heal quite right, it can form a compartment, which is a closed space of muscle tissue, nerves, and blood vessels, surrounded by a fascia, which doesn’t stretch. If fluid is leaking into the compartment, the pressure can compress capillaries and nerves, which is called compartment syndrome. Troopers would be told to look out for the symptoms after they are released from medbay. Symptoms include:

-severe pain, out of proportion to the wound, which does not respond to pain medication

-paleness of skin

-weakness or, in severe cases, paralysis of limb

-prolonged capillary refill time (takes a long time for capillaries to refill with blood)

This would have to be surgically treated. 

3rd degree burns in real life can take months or years to heal. Due to Star Wars Advanced Healing Juice, and clone trooper genetic enhancements allowing them to heal faster than standard humans, this time is reduced to weeks or even days (again, see Rex on Saleucami). 

[ajbrooks-writes]

Blood Ties: For The King WIP Intro

Hello! Some of you may have seen details of this around the writeblrverse if you hang out in my corner at all, but I have changed my NaNo wip again and am now working on the second book in the Blood Ties Trilogy - For The King. Oh yes, that’s right, courtesy of my friend, my trilogy is now named! And ridiculously aptly.

This is my third NaNoWriMo project (trust me, that’s a lot more frustrating to me) after For The Crown is back in development to stamp out plot holes like whack-a-mole and Skillset is back in research mode.

You’re probably wondering what the hell For The King is about, so let’s dive in.

Stats:

Perspective: First Person Limited, multiple (Ryvaeryn and Elthian)

Stage: First draft

Genre: High fantasy/adventure

Word count so far: 15k

Expected work count: 150k

Expected finish date: end of January 2020

First Installment link: For The Crown WIP Intro

Timeline: For The King begins about two months after For The Crown ended.

Here we go:

When newly crowned King Elthian is kidnapped the day of his wedding, his fiance, Ryvaeryn, embarks on a cross country adventure to save him. We follow Ryvaeryn, accompanied by Joal, Orrian and Kalen as they traverse the mainland to save the King. We also follow the trials of imprisoned Elthian and his unlikely allies as our enemy, led by Tris, attempts to break his spirit. And he comes damn close.

Ryvaeryn meets Lowe, her old partner and Skye, her old friend on their journey, facing obstacles and trials set by Tris and his allies. We discover the true identities of Elthian’s three inmates, and learn what Tris and the Snow Cats have planned for Mantha. And why.

For The King is significantly darker than For The Crown. Ryvaeryn and Elthian face their trials alone and we test their characters and independence. An argument before they were torn apart leaves them both reeling in guilt, and it’s up to their friends, allies and own sheer will to reunite that pushes them forward.

Hope you enjoyed that ^.^

 Who are these people, you ask? Good question.

Ryvaeryn, MC: 27, tiger shapeshifter, Queen-in-waiting. Ryvaeryn discovered a lot about herself in For The Crown. She is still the temperamental, no-bullshit Ryn, prone to be commanding even though she isn’t in charge yet. Since the attacks and since losing her right eye she has been tamed a bit. She is an unofficial mentor to Pab, the ten year old orphan ward to the crown she befriended in FTC. Ryn has some trouble with her temper, which slowly becomes more prominent. She bonds with Orrian, and part of her arc is forgiving Joal for his past actions. Ryn wants justice, needs acknowledgement, and her focus quickly becomes her King. He needs her. She won’t fail him again.

Elthian, MC: 30, lion shapeshifter, new King. Elthian usurped his father in FTC (we all saw it coming…), but his manner of succession has left his people divided, and they don’t approve of his bride. Elthian struggles with his internal battle of what the people want versus what he wants, which is a decline from his progress in FTC. Elthian wants peace, needs approval, and his focus becomes survival and escape. Ryn needs him. He won’t fail her again.

This is a lot of information, so I’ve put the rest of the character intros below the cut. Below that is the tag list.

Joal, Secondary: 31, wolf shapeshifter, scholar. Joal is struggling with the fallout of FTC. He messed up, Ryn still doesn’t trust him, and Elthian doesn’t have time to help. We discover a lot more about Joal’s family in For The King, which you will be surprised by, and which is part of the reason for his gloominess early in the novel. Joal wants his family back, he needs someone to love him, and he’ll make up for his mistakes on the way to save his closest friend. Again.

Orrian: Secondary: 36, lion shapeshifter, philanthropist and Elthian’s older brother. Orrian took a hard hit in For The Crown and now lives with chronic pain in his left shoulder. He will find pain management when I choose to give it to him. His goal when his father was in charge was to protect Elthian. Now their father is gone and Elthian is king and has Ryn, Orrian is still support, but searching for another meaning. Orrian wants stability, needs meaning, and will be the least injured in this book. I felt kinda bad for him.

Kalen, Secondary: 33, bear shapeshifter (though I’m toying with the idea of making him human), lord and Ryn’s close friend. Kalen is the ultimate best friend. He reveals his past trauma to Elthian in FTC, which he uses to fuel his desire to help people. Kalen takes a few hits in For The King, but he’s still a teddy bear. He also is reunited with Skye during this book. She is… different. But they are still super close. Kalen wants peace, needs acceptance, and to bring his friends home safe. A bit worse for wear.

Jena, Tertiary: 25, human, prisoner and not someone you want to upset. After messing up in FTC, Jena is a prisoner of Tris, like Elthian, but tries her best not to interact with the others. Jena makes some progress, but whether that sticks is up to her. She wants success, needs love, and receives… something.

Vall, Second/Tertiary: 48, shapeshifter, alchemist. Vall has been in prison for a long time. She is the most active interacting with Elthian, the other prisoners and Tris. She’s been getting snippets of news from their captors over the years so she knows a bit about Elthian already. Vall wants freedom, but she also wants help for her husband, Arclum, who is also in prison, and ailling. She works hard to escape (unsuccessfully) with Elthian, and they haven’t broken her spirit.

Lowe: 29, human, warrior/baker. Some of you may remember Lowe. She was Ryvaeryn’s long term partner at the start of FTC, and encouraged Ryn to go to Mantha with the choking line “Don’t come back… Not for me.” Ryn agonised over Lowe and sent her letters before her romance with Elthian intensified. Lowe comes in to help rescue Ryn and friends during their adventure. She and Ryn get closure, and we learn that Lowe has been building a resistance. What for? You’ll have to wait to find out.

Skye, Tertiary: 23, crane shapeshifter, hermit warrior. In FTC, Skye tried making friends as a coping mechanism for past trauma, and it backfired. Since then she’s discovered new ways to vent and face her fears, and it’s rendered her lethal. She’s still the sweet Skye we love, but with a hard exterior, and a healthy centre.

This is high fantasy. There are a lot of characters. These include Pab, Yail, Astra, Arclum, and the bad guys. Tris (top bad guy) and co. will get introductions when I’ve fleshed them out properly.

And so...

In For The King we finally meet the enemy that’s been terrorising our cast for a year, and causing riots and mayhem in Mantha. We receive threats, and we learn what this whole thing is really about.

Buckle your seat belts, kids. This one pulls no punches. It’s gonna be wild.

*breathes* if you made it this far, you’re a trooper. Nice work x

*bows*

--

Tag list for Blood Ties

@whisperswritings @stand-inthe-rain @fantasy-shadows @halrose @romanticatheart-posts @hopefulmoonobject @angelolytle @albarnesauthor @fantasy-penman @ofinscriptions @jynecca @venomouspen 

Tag list for For The Crown (in case you would like to be added to the Blood Ties tag list)

@dcdarrells @thewriteblrarchives  @trigwrites @jessicacaseyauthor @mfackenthal @mushwrites @b-works-074  @gardeningourmet @apocalyvse @jcckwrites @writingisdivinetorture  @purpleshadows1989 @thatwritergirlsblog @betwixtofficial @pen-in-hand @whynotwriting @bookish-actor @sunlight-and-starskies @jcckwrites @half-explored @watermelons-writings @purpleshadows1989 @waterfallofinkandpage @crazycoffeemermaid​ @summerflowers

(if you would like to be added or removed from the Blood Ties tag list, please let me know. Also if I’ve missed anyone I’m really sorry, could you let me know please thank youx)

[reading-while-queer]

Adult Onset, Ann-Marie MacDonald

Rating: Great Read Genre: Realism, Literary Representation: -Lesbian protagonist -Lebanese protagonist -Protagonist with anxiety/panic disorder Trigger warnings: Infant death, Stillbirth (explicit), Child abuse, Child sexual abuse (not in scene), Homophobia, Misogyny, Biphobia, Animal death, Internalized racism, Reclaimed D-slur

Note: Not YA; somewhat sexual but not explicit

Transitioning into reading more adult fiction than YA in your early twenties is often unpleasant.  Disturbing topics make a happy home in adult fiction, and they don’t always announce themselves in the book jacket.  (Adult Onset’s book jacket even describes the novel as “hilarious” - a fact which is hilarious in itself. Are adults okay?) The disturbing topics aren’t bad in and of themselves.  Adult readers of these difficult literary novels can sometimes resonate with the battle between ugliness and meaning, finding catharsis in the trenches.  Some readers may even find an unpolished aspect of themselves reflected in the novel, their relationship to the book becoming a form of literary therapy. The books that save lives are rarely the easiest reads.  By the same token, undertaking a difficult literary novel can put a bitter taste in your mouth. Sometimes that moment of catharsis isn’t worth the taste.

I found myself waffling over my opinion about Adult Onset.  On the one hand, it’s about the generational gift of abuse from mother to daughter, and the ugliness of that abuse is not safely contained within a “bad guy” the reader can despise, but in sympathetic characters.  It’s an uncomfortable book with a subject matter that isn’t going to appeal to the escapist reader, that’s for sure.  On the other hand, as we get older, many of us develop more tolerance for morally gray characters as we discover that we are morally gray ourselves; it can even be refreshing to read about someone with our same flaws - flaws bad enough we might hesitate to speak about them - treated not as evil, but human.  Reading Adult Onset, I felt myself straddling that line.  Yes, Adult Onset was an uncomfortable, unhappy read.  But at the same time, I saw glimpses of myself in the main character’s serious anger and anxiety.  While I’m not a mother in my mid-forties struggling to manage a suburban household, anyone who has had to grapple with mental illness or abuse will feel kinship to Mary Rose.

Adult Onset is one of those books that can’t be measured by plot. The narrative is urged forward by the compulsion of symmetry, not linear time, and so the story takes a beautiful, mirrored shape, rather than the parabola of a plot arc.  The central character, who is the line across which the shape of the story is reflected, is Mary Rose (“Mister” for short), a lesbian mother of two who used to write YA novels, but who has since traded roles with her wife in favor of home-making, giving her wife a chance to follow her career as a theater director.  Mary Rose has untreated anxiety that causes her to catastrophize everything in her life.  She has untreated anger that causes her to yell and throw things in front of her kids.  She is kind of a dick, to use the most accurate term, which causes her to ask her wife, “If she got the flowers?” when Mary Rose never sent any flowers (but feels like she might be in trouble if she doesn’t make some claim at a redeeming quality).  Mary Rose is also the heir to two generations of abuse.  Her maternal grandfather married a twelve year old child.  Her mother hit her and her brother (her elder sister had a different experience). Both parents rejected her in the most severe way when she came out as a lesbian in her twenties.  She has chronic pain from childhood bone cysts, a pain which leads her down the rabbit hole of memory as she tries to find some closure on a childhood that her aging parents don’t fully remember anymore.  

Adult Onset is a good book.  It’s a beautiful piece of art.  The structure of the novel is inspired, leaving one more than satisfied with the symmetrical beauty of it all.  The narrative about Mary Rose is inter-cut with glimpses from Mary Rose’s mother’s perspective, showing the reader not an old woman with memory loss, but the young mother struggling with postpartum depression she once was.  We also receive the perspective of the main character from Mary Rose’s popular YA book series, a young girl whose magical adventures were unwittingly inspired by Mary Rose’s trauma.  These snapshots of other points of view are unannounced, and even confusing at first - but therein lies their value.  Mary Rose’s identity bleeds into her mother and her main character, and the structure of the novel itself illustrates that.

Adult Onset is a good book.  It takes Mary Rose’s flaws, holds them before the reader, and says: motherhood is not easy, and you’re not a bad person for floundering. It explores where the line is, that makes a person irredeemable.  Mary Rose almost hits her toddler, and she thinks with horror - what if there is an alternate universe where she really did?  She thinks about her own life in those terms, considering that while she is the Mary Rose who was abused by her parents, perhaps there is an alternate Mary Rose who wasn’t.  She loves and defends her parents as if they didn’t pass her trauma down to her, as if she were the lucky Mary Rose - yet she still contends with the unhappy result. She asks herself: if her parents don’t even remember her childhood anymore, are they still the parents who did and said the things that hurt her?

Adult Onset is a good book, but it is also a book that very artfully dances around a concerning issue with its theme.  Herein lies the problem: Adult Onset gives itself an almost impossible task, that of fixing Mary Rose’s unhappy life into a somewhat happy ending.  Mary Rose almost hit her toddler, her marriage is on the rocks because she keeps yelling at her wife, and she refuses therapy to the bitter end.  The reader won’t be satisfied with the realism of the book if Mary Rose changes too much for the better, nor will the reader be satisfied with an unhappy ending.  In the end, Mary Rose doesn’t really change, so much as realize she can ask for help.  She asks a friend to come over and stay with her for a couple of days while her wife is out of town, and she has an all-day play-date with a mom from her son’s preschool - a mom who Mary Rose has always believed is perfect, but who whispers to Mary Rose, “You saved my life today.”  Mary Rose could have said the same thing, a fun little turn of the tables with the positive message that there is no perfect mother.  Women suffer far too much unaddressed misery, desperation, and shame (with dire consequences), but there is solace and reprieve in one another’s support. This one play-date, and the lesson therein, is the cathartic moment of the novel.

Yet one play-date carries a heavy burden, if it is to be the cathartic moment of a novel about abuse, infant mortality, anger, anxiety, lesbianism, and motherhood.  On reflection, a reader might be more horrified than satisfied, that a play-date is the only help Mary Rose is to receive. Perhaps MacDonald would agree, because after this play-date from heaven, Mary Rose’s life magically falls into place in all sorts of ways.  She’s the mom who has it together now, offering organic pretzels to the lesser mothers who forgot to pack a snack for the park.  She even makes peace with a memory of her father’s homophobia, satisfied by how far he’s come in the twenty years since.  Her wife, who hasn’t wanted sex over the course of the novel, suddenly changes her mind when she finds some lingerie that Mary Rose bought for herself (even though she didn’t even really want it). Mary Rose’s experience of gender is what some readers might call dysphoric, but Mary Rose herself calls “internalized misogyny.”  She feels like it’s wrong of her to be uncomfortable with womanhood, so when her wife tells Mary Rose to wear the lingerie to bed, reminding her with exasperation that “I’m attracted to women,” Mary Rose falls in line.  What a tidy ending! Motherhood? Resolved. Relationship with parents? Resolved. Sex life? Resolved. Complicated lifelong relationship to gender? Resolved.

This was the real key to my discomfort with the ending of the novel.  The message seems to be: if you’re about to self-destruct (taking your children down with you)... just get with the program.  At your breaking point? Just ask your friend to come over with spaghetti.  Just set up a play-date.  Just perform motherhood better.  Just perform womanhood better.  How sad is it, that this was all the book could give Mary Rose? If the theme of your novel is also the Nike slogan, it’s not as radical an outlook on life as one might think.

The weak ending aside, there are only a few such cracks in the perfect veneer of Adult Onset.  The Gen X humor is off-putting (What’s up with Facebook, ladies, am I right?), and Mary Rose obnoxiously discredits her wife’s bisexuality, saying “She refuses to call herself a lesbian.”  She still uses the word “transgendered,” too, which even word processors auto-correct these days.  And yet, for all its flaws, Adult Onset is a good book.  If you have anger and have ever been a hair's breadth away from hitting a child in your care - and let’s face it, this is the unspoken shame for many, many mothers - it’s a book that will make you feel seen, and understood.  The mothers that have hit their children in a moment - or months, or years - of weakness are seen too, in Mary Rose’s mother, who is neither torn down nor excused, but simply put to the page.

Adult Onset is a good book, yes, but do I recommend it?  Not to everyone.  It’s a frustrating book.  It covers topics that may be triggering. It’s a book that can, and probably will, ruin your day (Gen X humor just isn’t enough to cut the despair, folks).  On the other hand, it offers an underlying message that not every book can give you: Even if you didn’t solve the problem, even if you’re just barely hanging on by a toxic “Just do it!” attitude, there is grace for you.

For more from Ann-Marie MacDonald, visit her website here.

[deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester]

Today I am going to talk about two things that are really close to my heart but firstly I want to apologise for posting after such a long time. I am still getting hang of things and trying to find my footing in the world of blogging while trying not to overthink every post I try to write. Moving on, the two things I am about to talk about are not just close to my heart but they made me into who I am as a person today. Lupus and Books.

I was barely a teenager when I was diagnosed with the Lupus and this is 2003 december that I am talking about. 27th December if we want to be precise. Internet was not what it is now. Not many people were aware of the disease. Hell, no one had heard the name of this disease. We hadn’t. The doctors barely knew about how to treat this. Even with today’s technology and awareness there are patients out there who are either misdiagnosed or not treated with the right medication so you can imagine how it was around 15 years ago.

I remember it so vividly. We had a school trip to Jaipur in November first week and it had been the best trip of my life and I was still on a high from that trip when I developed a fever. Obviously no one took it seriously thinking I over exerted or maybe it was a viral but it wouldn’t go down so all the routine check ups were done and all my bloods were clear. No one knew what was happening. For over a month I had this fever which just came down suddenly. It was gone and I was back to school thanking my stars and catching up with friends. Who was crushing on whom? Bunking classes to prepare a dance performance, entering my name in all curricular activities I could get my hands on. This 12 year old Sana loved school. She would reach half an hour early just so she could hang out with her friends and chill. This is the same Sana who loves sleep and would actually marry a bed if she could.

Unfortunately that spell of good health broke and I had two really swollen joints. I could barely move my hand. My wrist was twice its size which is when my pediatrician suggested I need to go to a doctor who was good at diagnosing stuff because she thought it was a multiple organ disease and she didn’t want to treat me for the wrong ailment. Everyone just assumed it was arthritis considering my mom and Nani both had this disease but we waited for the test results impatiently. I wanted to get back to my normal life and be rid of the pain. Christmas was coming and I was not going to miss the celebrations at school. I wanted to part of the show children were putting on. My parents on the other hand were thinking about the long term effect this was going to have on me. The over excited 12 year old hadn’t really grasped at the fact that this was going to be a long term disease. A chronic illness, a term I had never even heard.

Long story short I was diagnosed with Lupus and my world turned upside down(Lupus in simplest of simplest explanation is your immunity attacking your body instead of protecting you for those who don’t know about it and want to know more please feel free to message me on Insta or twitter. Both links are at the bottom of the page) I didn’t realise the gravity of the situation until much later which I am thankful for because otherwise I would have been a wreck. I didn’t have a phone and google on my fingertips to tell me the worst case scenarios. When I actually sit down and think about that time I don’t think I really understood what was happening and was taking one day at a time. This sana was hopeful and always smiling. Bright ray of sunshine no matter what. Everyone thinks I am brave because of how dealt with it all when in reality I was a really confused kid.

One of the medications given to treat lupus is steroids. It kills your immunity so it doesn’t attack your body but it is also leaving you vulnerable to getting anything and everything which is why I had to stay at home for six months. It wasn’t a suggestion. It was an order from doctor and something my parents refused to contradict. Doc’s word is the law in my house. She is basically my second mom.  What steroid also does is that you gain weight. You are hungry all the fucking time and then you gain weight. I gained around 15-20 kgs and I had to sneak out and go to the medical room to have a midday meal. It also damages your bones. Basically part of your bones stop receiving blood and because of that there are dead patches in the bones. It usually happens after a really long term use of steroids but I got it within like six months.

My friends who had last seen me in November were in shock. Some people didn’t even recognize me. I went from 45 kgs to 60 and I was in crutches. I wasn’t the active girl anymore, dancing and volunteering or even talking. I had gone into my shell and no one tried to even understand what I was going through. I was an outsider. Alone. No one wanted to hangout with me and that was a new experience for me. Unknown territory. I had always been confident person but after everything I had become shy and nervous and the friends I had didn’t really make an effort to be my friends.

That one day changed everything. I used to read before that but never seriously. It was rare and it was just harry potter. My mom noticed this change in me and we had a talk about everything. I told her how the best friends had vanished. Everyone had vanished. It had reached the level where I used to eat alone during lunch in an empty classroom because everyone went out and I couldn’t climb down two floors with crutches throughout the day.

My mom just told me to read more. She told me people are going to come and leave specially with me because of my issues but books? There are always going to be books around. They will never leave you. You can take them with you wherever you want and those words kind of just hit a mark. This is when I actually started reading. I talked to my librarian at school and when I couldn’t go in for a long spell my mom would go and collect a bunch of books for me to read while I was stuck in bed.

That was just the beginning of reading books obsessively (I remember staying up during my 12th board exam to finish reading twilight. Don’t give me that look! We have all been into the twilight hole). I would read every second I could get. It was an escape I hadn’t realized I needed. I could be in Hogwarts while I was hospitalized? How could it get any better, right? I found a passion in something I didn’t ever think was for me and I owe it to not only my mom but also my English teacher I had at that time. She was always encouraging when it came down to reading and writing. Yes, the books lead me to writing opening another whole new world for me that I didn’t know existed. I was talking to people from around the world. Finally people who were there. They weren’t judging me or starting rumours about how I am faking it all for attention or telling me I was depressing. Yes, someone told me that. A school friend. Someone I considered a really close friend of mine. I think we were around 24 and she said we don’t invite you to things because talking to you is depressing and we wanted to enjoy ourselves. Again, proving that books were more loyal than humans. Actually they are better than humans. Period.

I know its difficult to be friends with someone who is always cancelling plans or cant go out and asks the other person to come over. Sometimes they are bitchy too but can you blame them? They are fighting a battle with their own body every single fucking. Can you blame me?  Everyone you meet always says they understand but they truly don’t because by the time they understand they are already running away in the opposite direction.

Books don’t run away to begin with, they take you not just around the world but to worlds that don’t exists. To universe that is so vast and to make you dream. Books dare you to dream, they give you hope,too. For a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Am I right or am I right?

Pick up a book and show it some love guys. If you don’t enjoy reading then you just haven’t found your book. Just don’t ever stop looking!

Happy book hunting!

Sana

My Love Affair with Books Today I am going to talk about two things that are really close to my heart but firstly I want to apologise for posting after such a long time.

[robalchemy]

Coming Out Of The Empath Closet

Like most of these posts, I’m never really sure where to begin or how to lead in...But the title says it all; I’m an empath. So why write a blog post about this? Why make it public? Why make it a big deal? why even share it at all? Well, that last question is the biggest one I’ve been faced with most of my life. Why WOULD I share this about myself in such a close minded world? Why would anyone dare to allow the deepest parts of them out for all the world to see? It’s absolute insanity in our self-centered, closed minded, drive-through, fearful, dogmatic culture we call the western world in 2019. And I’m JUST bringing this out at the age of 35, so could you imagine trying to explain this to the school psychologists in the early 90′s? That would surely have been a one-way ticket to ALL the anti-psychotic drugs! Okay, so there’s a LOT to unpack here, so let’s just take it one spoonful at a time, yes? My biggest reason for bringing this aspect of myself out into the open is primarily for anyone else who’s in the same boat as me, but for a multitude of reasons, is perhaps conflicted by it. And believe me, I’ve been through ALL of these barriers time and time again. You never know what anyone will think. And this concept of normality and fitting in has been just pounded into us so hard for so long. Maybe you’re worried that your friends or family will think you’re crazy. Maybe you’re beginning to question your own sanity. Maybe people have TOLD you you’re crazy. Maybe people have put you down for it. Maybe people have made you feel like the absolute dumbest piece of shit that the face of the earth has ever seen for being so fake and ridiculous. Maybe religious people in your life want you to believe you’re all up in the devil. Maybe people have said it’s just a phase. Or that you’re fishing for attention. I’ve been to all of these places more times than I could recall.

And I WANT to tell you that this is all somehow not true, not real. I WANT to tell you that. But unfortunately, people’s judgments are VERY real, whether we like it or not. And so many of us can FEEL these judgments in so many ways. For me, I feel the intention other people have in conversation. I (more often than not) already know what their point is going to be before they’ve even finished the first sentence. I know when someone is lying to me. I know when someone’s trying to manipulate me. I even physically feel when someone is THINKING about me. (It feels like an extreme hot flash running up and down my spine and in my head.) So yes, judgement has, does and will happen. We can’t change that, nor is it our duty or right to change ANYONE. That’s not what any of us are here to do. So what should we do about both negative reactions or even just FEAR of negative reactions? Not a damn. Freaking. Thing. Which brings me to my second point of why I’m bringing this up: If we can’t be honest and true to ourselves, what CAN we be honest and true to? The truth here is that we all have the things and characteristics that make us US in this life. Would you be ashamed that maybe you have brown eyes? Would you shame someone else for liking ice cream? Of course not, it’s absolutely absurd! And these abilities that in truth, EVERYONE has - Are no different. These are just other characteristics of the way we are that are immutable. We can’t change them. We can’t delete them. So why not embrace them? That’s a question that would have made me VERY nervous even just months ago. In short, this is who I am. It’s who I’ve always been, since childhood. And it’s been a major factor in leading a VERY misunderstood life. Personally, I was VERY lucky to grow up in a family that was very open minded to these things. It’s not like I was identified as an empath and knew I was empathic when I was a kid. Back in the 90′s, that term was akin to ‘Witchcraft’ and late night infomercials for “JoJo’s Psychic Alliance Hotline for $5 a minute”. My Mom was strongly empathic, my sister is probably the strongest empath of any of us, and my Dad even developed some of his abilities later on in life, as well. (Although I’m probably closest with my Brother, but I really have no idea where he stands with any of this, and that’s completely okay too.) Growing up, my Mom always just described me as being very sensitive. And that really IS a very apt description. But she knew what I had from day one, whether she shared it with anyone or not. I’m not sure what my sister recognized in me at that time, but still, in some ways she could read me better than anyone. I also grew up OBSESSIVELY creative. And I haven’t changed even a little bit. This is a very common trait among empaths of all varieties - I don’t yet fully understand why, but somehow it also seems very fitting. As a creative soul, I can see possibilities that nobody else can. I can process certain kinds of abstract concepts intuitively and instantly. I can visualize almost to the level of hallucination, that’s how I always knew where to put the lines when I’m drawing. So even aside from all this empathic stuff, my brain was never wired “normally” to begin with. And growing up - The schools, psychologists and so many teachers saw this and insisted to my parents that something was wrong with me. I had to be “fixed” because back in those days, not fitting into the same box as everyone else was BAD. This was just the tip of the iceberg for a central theme in this life for me. So just for fun, I’d like to get into the specifics of some of the things I experience that maybe not EVERYONE else does. Since childhood, my main “odd” experience is that I feel the emotions and intentions of either those immediately around me, those I observe or those I interact with. This is actually the trickiest part of it all for me, because for decades, I had no idea that many of the things I was feeling weren’t mine. Can you imagine how screwed up that makes a person feel? The thing that made me aware and able to discern which emotions were and weren’t mine was...Well, it was freaking OBVIOUS once I began opening up to new perspectives. I knew I wasn’t perceiving the world incorrectly, yet my emotional reactions often did not remotely suit the circumstances I was in. I was just so used to it that it was just a part of life for me, and second guessing my own thoughts became normal. This caused me to repress it for so many years, but it never went away. It just kept getting more and more pushed down and compact over my lifetime until it reached critical mass and EVERYTHING I’d built up over this life began exploding out of me since it had nowhere else to go. I experienced this as chronic, severe long term depression and anxiety in recent years. That’s a long story unto itself that I’d rather not go too deep into, but the point is: Being THAT unhealthy and repressed nearly cost me my life. I became a borderline alcoholic, because that was the only way I knew to feel better. I also became obese. (Fun fact, in the last year, I’ve dropped ALL that weight!) And many times, I was borderline suicidal. I even went through several psychologists who were at a complete loss and fired me as a client because they couldn’t help me. Friends, THIS is what happens when we fall out of alignment with ourselves. This is why being true to ourselves goes FAR beyond a warm fuzzy sentiment. Now imagine being able to feel the intentions and emotions of anyone you direct your attention toward or interact with. Even through a screen. Now take a look around at the world we’re living in right now. It’s so disturbing and unspeakable to me that I don’t even want to go into examples, because even just tuning into the very concept of these negative emotions hits me so hard that I can feel it physically. And as much as I hate to say it, I live in Canada’s Arkansas. The part of the country I live in is Canada’s undisputed capital of bigotry, racism, xenophobia, selfishness and just fear driven hate in general. And I’ve lived here for 35 years. Just do the math on that and maybe you can begin to see how challenging it can really be just EXISTING as a person with empathic abilities. Now, the root word of ‘empathy’ is - You guessed it! So for me, this also goes the other way. When I see the VICTIMS of all this hate, I feel it exactly as they do. En masse. I can’t even begin to emphasize how strongly I feel it, and how much it hurts beyond what physical pain can offer. Because you can relieve physical pain sometimes, yes? This has created for me the challenge of even HAVING any faith or good will towards humanity when I can FEEL what we do to each other every minute of every day. Yet, in spite of all this - I’ve lived my life with an inexplicable and very deep sense of compassion and wanting to HELP this world, in spite of knowing what it’s capable of and the things we do to each other without so much as a second thought. I can’t even stomach how anyone can exist that way. On the flip side, I don’t come across genuinely highly positive people very often, but when I do - OMG WHAT A FREAKING RUSH!!!! I’ve never done cocaine, but that’s what I imagine it must feel like. Occasionally, I come across people who truly have the highest of intentions and hearts full of love and good humor. I feel it as soon as they approach me. When this happens, I get a very light headed rush, the world starts to look REALLY bright or “bleached” and the internal feeling is like a combination of excited butterflies in the stomach, an absolutely ELECTRIC surge throughout my entire body, very warm pins & needles that give me goosebumps, and I just instantly want to take this person, clone them 30 or 40 times and go to a party with only them. It is the starkest contrast I could imagine. So that’s the basic version. If we want to go even DEEPER into this rabbit hole, I would only tell you about the most recent MONTHS of my life. I can’t even begin to describe the work I’ve been doing on myself and where its taken me. (I will in the near future...) But in short, I’ve begun to accept, embrace and develop these parts of me. Well actually, they’ve kind of been developing themselves. So before, I was basically limited to the definition of a physical and emotional empath. In recent months however, I’ve been cracked so wide open that I’ve been experiencing things that I had no idea my mind was even CAPABLE of perceiving. To name just a couple - The degree of the sensitivities I’ve always had have increased ten fold. If I’m chatting with someone online, I can feel them to the point of their pulse. This is not an exaggeration. I’m willing to bet that some of my friends who are reading this right now are friends that I’ve been chatting with on messenger, and I’ve said something like “Okay, let’s change the topic because I just felt your heart rate spike and your adrenaline kick in”. (I actually feel much more than that, but I still want my friends to TALK to me, so I’ll leave it there for now!) I can feel the intentions and intensity of the energy of people around me in traffic. This tends to be not so much emotional, but rather I feel a spectrum of the quality of people’s energy from SHARP to GENTLE. Those are honestly the best words I can find. Not strong and weak, intense and mellow, but sharp and gentle. Another interesting thing I’ve noticed of late, is people will just randomly start pouring their hearts out to me. Perfect strangers, it can be just helping a customer at work or paying for gas at 7-11; And 2 sentences in, they begin rattling off their entire freaking life story. People give me EVERYTHING. Constantly. This used to happen occasionally, but in recent months, it’s been almost every day that I’m in public, often multiple times a day. This goes beyond just chatty people, it’s flat out rigorous. For me, this is kind of a trap, because once it starts - I can’t get people to stop even if I shout at them to shut up. (Not that I do, that one’s just an allusion.) I don’t understand exactly why this happens, but I have a faint idea that some part of people, probably subconsciously - Feel my receptivity and take it as an invitation to pour out everything they’re holding in. I’ve always been uncomfortable in large crowds. Hell, you don’t have to be even remotely empathic for this! Needless to say, this has also been taken to the extreme. But on the flip side, I can also feel nature every bit as strongly. Being in nature has become my drug in recent months. It takes absolutely everything in me that’s heavy, and replaces it with the most merciful rejuvenation and love that I think I’ve ever felt in this plane of existence. It’s like being beaten up at school by bullies all day, then going home and just crying in your Mom’s arms - It’s something I can’t even come close to putting into words. It’s sentient, and it feels me as I feel it. It’s beyond catharsis, it’s beyond being understood. That’s truly as close as I can get to describing it, I literally don’t have words for it. When I go walking in the ravine by my house, it feels like the trees are my oldest friends who know me better than I know myself. And they know exactly what I need and how I need it. 20 minutes among the trees does more for me than anything any human has ever been able to make me feel, with the sole exception of my wife. It’s unconditional mercy. And to think, I used to think this kind of stuff was for tree huggers...Well, maybe try actually hugging a tree, and see where that takes you! Like I said, there’s a LOT to unpack here, and I’ve only started to scratch the surface. But I can only type so much in one sitting, so I’m going to leave this post as it is here, save for a couple closing words for anyone who resonates with this... Again, the point here isn’t to show off these things or claim that I have something others don’t - We ALL have the exact same abilities to the exact same potential extent. Some of us are simply at different points along our own journey and evolution, there’s no rank to this or any sort of being above, below, ahead of or behind anyone else. We’re just all at different points of our own unique path, and no two among the approximately 8 billion people currently on this planet are the same. So truly, there’s no pissing contest here, so please don’t interpret it that way. The point is to simply SHARE for a couple purposes: To give anyone out there going through similar experiences validation and hopefully a bit of courage to embrace this aspect of their path rather than fear it, be ashamed of it or resent it. The second point is that in sharing this, I’m simply taking my own step towards being as authentic as I can be. This is simply who I am, it’s who I’ve always been. We can’t deny our truest nature and we should never be ashamed of it, and in putting this out there, I’m being true to myself so that hopefully others can be inspired to be true to themselves. Thankyou for helping me realize more of my own personal truth in sharing this with you!

[vestirkano]

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE PROMPT

01. Tell us about your character’s name. Was it given to them or chosen? Does it hold any special meaning? If your character has aliases or nicknames, how did they get them and what do they mean?

CONTENT WARNING: kidnap mention ///  his real name is vaestkyrn nakos tenua. when he was kidnapped, nobody wanted to pronounce his name vaestkyrn. everybody called him by a bastardized version of it. his real name meant radiant and gentle. over time, he adopted the name vestir which resembles most closely to the zelosian name that means radiant and victory. he doesn’t actually know this fact. he did intentionally pick the surname of his mentor on the pirate crew because she was the only one who showed him kindness and warmth. possibly even more so than his parents who never came to rescue him.  

02. What is your character’s relationship to their homeworld? Do they hold fond memories of it, or do they hate it? Are they still here, and if not, do they miss it?

vestir has not gone back and refuses to go. no matter how much money may be offered, he will not return to zelos ii. despite any fond memories he may recall, there is a caustic taste left in his mouth. he holds a deep resentment towards his “big and powerful” senator parents. 

03. Describe your character’s relationship with those who raised them. Was it positive? Negative? Neutral? What sorts of ideologies were they raised with, and do they still stand by them now?

his birth parents are dead to him (his father is actually dead). they were very active in the politics scene. they were excellent economists. they wanted to reinvigorate zelos ii’s economy by pushing for less strict trade regulations but were unsuccessful in putting their foot down in other matters. their military forces were often sent to follow plans proposing by other neighboring planets’ senators to “benefit” the republic as a whole. their gaping hole in security allowed pirates to infest the planet. vestir still remembers a variety of their capitalist driven values. he doesn’t care much for their teachings about integrity and service though.

his mentor, mykana, was a middle-aged woman who wasn’t a conventional maternal figure. but she did do her best to keep vestir alive, even going so far as getting hit in vestir’s place by the captain. he did pick up his temper from her but he also retained her work ethic, selective & fierce protectiveness, and tendency to be emotionally distanced.

04. What is your character’s relationship with the Force? Is your character Force-sensitive? Whether or not they are, do they believe in it? Do they lean more towards the dark or the light or are they somewhere in between?

it’s like vestir has a chronic disease that isn’t properly diagnosed. the force tries to speak to him but he was never taught to decipher it so it feels like a pressure building in his mind. he describes it as a cross of a migraine pain and white noise that he can ignore for the most part. sometimes it’s much worse than others. if he was any more sensitive to the force, maybe on the same level as his baby brother, he might’ve gone completely lost to the pain.

05. What three word would you use to describe your character? What three words would your character use to describe themselves? What three words would someone close to them use?

i would use: stubborn, selfish, arrogant

vestir would say: strong-willed, opportunistic, handsome

he has exactly one person who’s close to him... and that person says: “late for dinner”

06. Describe your character’s aesthetic. Do they tend towards fashion or function? Do they like to accessorize? How does this extend into their own personal spaces, such as their home or their workspace?

vestir's way of dressing himself is borderline homeless chic (it is a real thing, and yes, high fashion really found a way to commodify this) and actually looking homeless. it’s almost genius the way he always looks like he has nothing valuable on him at all times. but in almost every pocket is a mf KNIFE or something. his ship looks the same way on the inside. it’s all pretty neat and modest looking, and it’s because he’s hidden stuff everywhere. 

07. What are your character’s vices? Guilty pleasures? Bad habits? Weak spots?

he’s hot tempered. his indoor voice is still him yelling. he wakes up and sits in bed, frowning for a good 30 minutes. he cuts his own hair. pick ass eater. he thinks white lies are fine. he shoplifts; not because he has to but because he can. sometimes he steals from his paying clients too. fights any mandalorian on sight.

he has a weak spot for sugar water. it’s the only thing that gets him drunk. alcohol has no effect on him so he does tend to hustle people into drinking contests. naturally money is a huge weak spot as well. 

08. Tell us about your character’s relationship with food. What are their favorites? Do they enjoy cooking? Are they adventurous? Will they eat absolutely anything or are they hard to please?

he photosynthesizes. it cuts down on expenses so that he has more money for weapons and ship parts. he does not have a refined palette but he is picky once he finds something he really likes

09. How does your character feel about engaging in relationships—romantic and / or sexual—with others? What is their history like? Do they fall in love easily? Are they constantly in and out of relationships?

um WELL. he absolutely has no interest. there were a few people who have come onto him with sexual intent in the past. he indulged them but he has this incredible way of losing interest 2 minutes into whatever activity they start engaging in. he doesn’t develop feelings easily. he doesn’t like being that close to people because he’s allergic to the spectrum of human emotions and vulnerability. so it comes as a surprise any time someone develops a crush on him. he’s self aware enough to know he always disappoints those people when they realize his cool-guy-devil-may-care attitude is just him being a genuine asshole. 

10. What is your character’s pain tolerance like? Can they hold their own in a fight, despite injury? If someone hurts them with the aim of gaining information, how much can they take before they cave?

he’s not super smart but he is tough and stubborn. he learned early on that if he shows people he’s feeling the pain, they’ll think they got control over him. he’ll grit his teeth and bleed out from biting his tongue before he admits that anybody’s got the best of him.

11. What is your character’s weapon of choice? Are they more skilled as a melee fighter or do they have more skill with ranged weapons? What’s their fighting style like? What sort of training do they have behind them?

you know how krav maga’s philosophy is really based on instinct-based movements and using “weapons of opportunity” (if there is a lolipop nearby, he will stab you in the trachea with it) to attack your opponents? that’s how he fights. he’s scrappy and his “””instincts””” are pretty sharp. when you’re a pirate who isn’t given any weapons or even told where all the nearest exits are, you start getting creative so you don’t get your ass handed to you during a raid. he is skilled with blasters but he’s more of a friend-fire on type of person.

12. Does your character have any words or catchphrases that they say frequently? Tell us about how they picked them up.

he still says “crink” a lot which is the “fuck” equivalent for outer rim pirates. but don’t get him wrong he still says fuck a lot. he has a lot of stupid yet vulgar hutt imagery that he defaults to when he’s mad. like, “DEEPTHROAT A HUTT’S TAIL” or “choke on hutt slime.” there was a gunner back in his bounty guild who had a deep bias against hutts and vestir picked up on it. at first he thought it was just funny but now he can’t stop. so he played himself

13. Tell us about a negative experience your character has had with either the Jedi or the Sith, and how this has affected their standing. Whether currently aligned or unaligned with either faction, if forced to choose, how would they side?

well the sith empire withheld his pay a few times because he didn’t do a “good enough” job so he thinks they can deepthroat a hutt’s tail. a jedi once lectured him on his life’s choices. he generally just doesn’t like the jedis because he thinks they’re pompous and doesn’t get involved nearly as much even with their holier-than-thou attitudes. if he had to choose a side, he’d choose one that offers a longer life expectancy for himself

14. How would your character react to seeing a relative or friend on the opposing side of a battle or mission?

easy. they’re getting ONE warning shot so they can get a head start and then all bets are off. 

15. Describe a memory that your character finds embarrassing.

vestir and aerith were shipwrecked on a deserted area with nobody around for miles. the temperature dropped to frigid conditions. they made an executive decision to share a bed and huddle for warmth. vestir “never cuddled anybody” kano knee’d aerith in the ass. at some point he sneezed on the back of aerith’s neck.  

16. What goals does your character hold for themself and what steps have they taken towards achieving them? How far are they willing to go to reach them? What is their be-all and end-all?

he is always surprised that he’s able to live for another year. he has no long term goal. he has no idea what that is. he stays alive out of spite honestly. his captain told him he’d never live past 15 with that mouth of his so he never stopped mouthing off at everything since then. although there is a side of him that finds a certain sense of fulfillment from keeping his travel partner safe 

17. What is the one thing your character would change about their life if they were given the chance? What other lives could they have lived as a result?

CONTENT WARNING: human trafficking //// nothing. he feels like everything helped open his eyes to all the ugly truth under the gilded illusions he used to live in. his jaded outlook and “carefree” lifestyle gives him control of his life. also if it wasn’t him, it’d be some other kid. he knows he was hard headed enough to survive this life. he made himself useful and avoided being sold off at several points while he was with the crew. others may not be as fortunate.

18. Living in such a high-conflict time, how does your character feel about doing what they must to survive? Will they hurt or kill others—either directly or indirectly—to protect themselves and / or those close to them? If so, do they regret it when all is said and done?

No ragrets. he lowkey has stole someone’s bounty after they put in all the hardwork, which is a cardinal sin in bounty hunting. but he didn’t have a way to repair the engine and make sure aerith had enough food to last the upcoming long journey. he does what he has to. if he deems it necessary, he’ll do it

19. What is the biggest problem your character is currently dealing with?

finding aerith

20. Give us 3+ headcanons of any length or subject matter.

he cannot stand pets or animals in general. same with babies, really

surprisingly, he can dance. there’s literally nobody living who knows this fact though

every once in 120 years, all the moons of zelos ii are visible at once. he actually misses the moon festivals from his childhood

bonus. Give us a list of any length telling us why our “fave is problematic.”

stop playing we don’t have time for this. but to name a few:

he would pour milk first before the cereal

doesn’t know how to whistle

“i need a new gun” “there is no why” “I SAID I NEED A NEW GUN, AERITH” “I KNOW I HAVE PLENTY” “BECAUSE I LIKE THAT ONE”

will stop smiling if you look at him and remind him he’s showing an emotion

has made aerith cry

will sell you for a single cornchip and the pocket change in someone’s pockets

blames you for farting when it was literally his fault

does not want to better himself

pretends he was listening to you then interrupts you just to hit you with a “damn that’s crazy” 

that one time (plus 40 more times) where he ran off without his teammates during a gig

[triilo-write]

Modern Male Orc x Trans Man Reader (sfw) Part 1

this kinda hit me in the middle of the night when i was supposed to be sleeping so i started it on my phone and then finished on my compute r

You couldn't believe you'd finally cracked. For the last two years you had been happily single, focusing more on earning your degree than on a love life. You liked it that way. The last couple relationships you'd had were... rocky, to say the least, but ended mutually and on good terms. You even sometimes went out to get a drink with one of them now and then; with her new girlfriend tagging along who you were immediately determined to befriend. Your roommate, on the other hand, seemed to think that your forlorn gazes at the other male students was a sign that you needed to give it another shot.

"Okay, just, hear me out." Nira had began during one movie night. The faun had paused at the half wall separating the living room from the ‘kitchen’ with a bowl of hot popcorn in their hands, chocolaty brown eyes locked on you instead of the tv. "Just one date won't bring about the end of the world. You can just ask one of the cute guys in your classes, or at work." They suggested, pouting huffily at your eye roll.

 "You know why I can't 'just' do that, N." You sighed, dropping the remote into the little hammock the blanket made between your knees. "I have the worst time talking to anybody, let alone a cute somebody." You glanced at them as they settled down beside you, tucking a leg under the other.

 "Then.. Why not not ask them face to face?"

 "...You've lost me."

 "A dating profile!" Nira exclaimed, eyes glinting excitedly in the dim light. "Just make like, a Tinder or a Grindr or whatever other app floats your boat, and just browse and wait for a match."

You had to admit that at the time it wasn't the worst possible idea. They'd had plenty worse than using a dating app. But.. You still beat around the bush for another week and a half. Eventually you set up a Grindr- without letting Nira know right off the bat- and the waiting game began. You groaned to yourself and left your phone forgotten on your chest to cover your face with your hands. "There's no way I really got talked into this..." You grumbled against your palms, shutting your eyes and closing off all the nervous thoughts prickling at the back of your mind.

Within just a few minutes of calming down, your phone buzzed almost aggressively against you. You expected it to be Nira, or another friend, or even a classmate asking about notes. Instead, it was an alert that someone had liked you. Apparently you really didn’t need to wait as long as you thought.

It was an almost painfully handsome orcish someone. According to the distance he most likely went to your college and probably even stayed in one of the dormitories, or an apartment like you were, and it set off another wave of nerves. From his profile photos he actually was part of the culinary students, which was a bit of a surprise. Especially considering the first photo was of him and a bunch of other men in football uniforms.

Idly, you worried at your bottom lip with your teeth as you read over his bio, shifting onto your side. His name was Mhurren- an addendum of “the H is silent :)” following- and was twenty-three and, apparently, over six-and-a-half feet tall. Good Gods. And, the more you read, the more you found yourself smiling. He liked going hiking, watching The Great British Baking Show, and expressed a great fondness for blueberry muffins. All things you oddly enough, enjoyed too. Chronic joint pain made hiking a, well, pain in the ass; but you loved being out in nature and exploring. Maybe you’d be able to visit the state park together sometime? You sighed to yourself and mulled over your options, your eyes lingering on his face.

 In the picture he was with a naga, both of them dressed in the standard double-breasted jacket of culinary students, flour dusting the maroon fabric . He had one thick arm around the naga’s neck in a playfully gentle headlock- you could tell by the beaming grin on both of their faces. The naga herself was beautiful; her skin a warm tan with speckling of deep crimson scales on her cheeks and climbing up her neck. Her dark hair was tied up in a neat bun and amber eyes focused on the camera with a happy glint in them. He, however, captivated you with all the little details. His skin was a deep green, and thick tusks caught the overhead lights; his long hair was dyed a rich dark seafoam with the dark brown roots showing. It was tied back in a beautiful dutch braid that he had pulled over his shoulder, and just messy enough to show he’d let it down out of a bun just a little before. His piercings were beautiful- bright silver studs in erl, snake bite, and brow styles. The philtrum looked like it was more stone than metal, but you couldn’t make out what kind just yet.

Just yet? You didn’t even know if you were going to meet him!

Your gaze drifted from the philtrum to the attractive black septum ring, then up higher to his eyes. Mirth glittered in their mismatched depths, and you found yourself inhaling a little sharply. His right eye was a blue to rival the sky, whereas the left was a striking, storm cloud grey.

 ...Maybe liking him back couldn’t hurt after all. Your thumb swiped his profile to the right and you could feel a small coil of anxiety twist in your chest as the app announced a match. “Oh, Gods.” You mumbled to yourself as you shifted to sit up, crossing your legs together. Your thumbs nervously tapped the edges of your phone while the chat was loaded; what if you said something wrong right off the bat? Maybe he’d lose interest the moment you started to talk, what if-

A message popped up and drove you from your apprehensive thoughts, and you read it with a flutter in your stomach.

 ‘hey! sorry if I’m keeping you up any.’

‘Oh! No, no youre fine! Im just settling in to relax for the night’ Not a complete lie, but you didn’t want him to feel bad for talking to you.

‘oh good. I didn’t really expect you to swipe back tbh.’

‘Really?’

‘yeah, but I just joined and don’t really know what to expect in general, you know?’

‘Gods, tell me about it. Ive never had a dating profile before so this is all extremely new’

You were glad he was as new as you were, the awkward process of breaking the ice would be mutual that way. It soothed your uneasiness some, and you moved again to slip out of bed and make your way into the main room. You were much more awake now while the two of you spoke back and forth, and you switched on the electric kettle while you leaned against the counter. He was already making you smile and chuckle to yourself as he talked about how his classes were going, and you in turn dipped into how yours were. He was majoring as a pastry chef, and you were majoring as a geologist.

 In a way it was a mistake to tell him that, as the science puns started up without warning as you dropped a bag of Yorkshire Gold tea into your mug. A particularly bad one almost made you laugh out loud and you had to clamp your hand over your mouth quickly to stifle yourself.

  ‘That was horrible!! Youre lucky i love puns’

‘aha! finally I have an excuse to utilize my awful sense of humor.’

‘Be careful, using it all the time may be’ A brief pause for suspense. ‘Punisble’

 His subsequent keysmash and ‘GODS’ filled you with pride and giggle to yourself as the kettle finished heating, and you reached for the handle, typing with one hand.

 ‘Im glad you enjoyed that so much’

‘I woke up my roommate laughing, look what you do to me’

‘Maybe I could do more’ The message sent before you could stop yourself, heat flaring in your cheeks as you nearly overfilled your mug in shock at your own bravado. ‘I mean make you laugh more!! I bet you have a wonderful laugh, the world should hear it as often as possible!’

You groaned at yourself, putting the kettle back in place and using a spoon to help weigh down the tea bag before covering your face with your hand. You really were digging a deeper hole for yourself, weren’t you? He was bound to lose interest now, you’d been speaking for maybe an hour and then you make a comment like that? Mortifying.

 What felt like an eternity had passed before your phone buzzed again and you chanced a peek at the screen, eyeing his response.

 ‘I’d like that, though. perhaps you’ll get your chance Friday night during dinner, if you want to go with me 💖’

 “WHAT-” You yelped in shock, covering your mouth swiftly afterwards, though not swift enough. In moments Nira was at their doorway looking ruffled and worried. You dropped your hand to answer before she even asked. “I.. Just got asked out.”

“Ooh! Who is it, how?” They excitedly hopped over to you, peering curiously at your phone, and huffing at your lack of a reply. “Don’t leave them hanging, that’d be rude.” The faun bumped their head against your shoulder encouragingly before stepping back to put their hands on their hips.

‘Id love that; I just want to warn you its been a long while since Ive been out with anyone, though’

“There we are! Now, fill me in.” They grinned, dark eyes shining with intrigue. Together you stood in the open kitchen with the small overhead light on, mixing up your tea with Nira hanging on your every word. At one point Mhurren had responded, his answer excited and asking to verifying a time- Friday was only a day away, after all. You both settled on seven in the evening to give yourselves a fair bit of time together to talk, before he bid you a good night. Nira, however, wouldn’t leave you to your tea until you showed them the photos of Mhurren. “Now he’s a catch! And he might be able to keep up with your sweet tooth if he’s working to be a pastry chef.” They teased with a wink, patting your shoulder before heading back to their room.

 You sat on the couch, watching the dark world outside the large living room window, sipping your cooling tea and mulling over what had happened. Part of you was still nervous that he’d be unhappy with what he saw and heard when you’d both meet up, but you swatted it away to focus on finishing your drink and returning to bed yourself. Even then you didn’t doze for quite some time, but when sleep finally found you it was sound and dreamless.

[giancarlonicoli]

Lockdowns may have eroded people’s swagger, but research suggests there are ways to remedy the situation

Ian Robertson

Sat 5 Jun 2021 15.00 BST

Last modified on Sat 5 Jun 2021 21.21 BST

228

In July 2007, the Irish golfer Padraig Harrington won one of golf’s most coveted competitions, the British Open. The story of how he did this, one of the most remarkable finishes in golfing history, illustrates one of the ways confidence works.

The Claret Jug – the Open’s famous prize – was within Harrington’s grasp as he teed off at the penultimate hole of the tournament. He had a one-shot lead on his arch-rival, Sergio García. He was entirely in the zone – “I am literally the most confident person at that point in time,” he said later. Then, something strange happened – a twinge of doubt came out of nowhere at the top of his back swing and he sliced the ball into the murky waters of the notorious Barry Burn river.

But, still in the lead and his confidence intact, Harrington squared up at the 18th tee. Disaster. He lashed another ball into the Barry Burn. His confidence collapsed: “I’ve never experienced this reaction in my life… I wanted to give up… I had thrown it away.”

Harrington barely remembers the first 50 yards he trudged up the fairway of the final hole to take yet another penalty shot. But luckily, he had his caddy, Ronan Flood, by his side for that walk. Flood kept repeating to Harrington that he was the best chipper and putter (the two strokes he needed to stay in the tournament) in the world. “One shot at a time, you’re the best chip and putter in the world. One shot at a time, you’re the best chip and putter in the world.” Over and over, he repeated it.

As they approached the ball for Harrington to take what would be his penultimate shot, an attempt to salvage his tournament, Harrington’s confidence had shifted again. He positioned himself above the fateful ball: “I stood there, really excited about it, and I fired it in there, nice and low. I don’t think I’ve ever been more in the zone than in that chip shot in my life. It’s really easy to hit a great shot when you’re feeling good… it’s really difficult to hit a great shot when you’re feeling bad. I should have been feeling the lowest ebb at this point.”

His caddy’s constant, almost mechanical, repetition of his conviction that Harrington would do it had somehow reinflated the confidence bubble, and he went on to beat García and take the Claret Jug.

But that’s not the end of the story, according to one of Harrington’s close acquaintances, to whom I spoke in Dublin. After the first, delirious celebration on the green, the champion and his caddy parted for several hours of ceremony and press interviews. They were reunited at the end of the evening in the limousine, taking them back to their hotel. Padraig looked over at his caddy:

“You know, Ronan, I thought I’d blown the Open – and so did everyone else in the world – except Ronan Flood.”

Flood started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Harrington asked, puzzled.

Flood replied: “I thought you’d blown it too – I didn’t think you had a chance!”

Flood was just saying the words on the fairway to try to rein in Harrington’s mind, away from thoughts of great prizes and great failure, to a limited funnel of thoughts linked to a specific set of actions that he knew he could execute. The words we say to ourselves shape our attention, which controls our emotions, and the result is confidence – or lack of it. The caddy’s astute understanding of this process meant that he could get Harrington back on mental track, despite his own fears that Harrington had blown it.

Research backs up the lesson of this story, that the words you say to yourself shape your confidence and, hence, your performance, no matter how fake or cliched those words might feel.

Cycling on a stationary bike until you are too exhausted to continue is a standard test of endurance and fitness. In one study, young, fit men and women did this, and cycled for an average of 10 minutes before having to stop. Half of them were then taken aside by the researchers and taught to use confidence-enhancing self-talk phrases, such as “you’re doing well”, “… feeling good”, or “push through this” and then applied them during a second exhaustion test. Just as “just saying the words” worked for Padraig Harrington, simply repeating these confident phrases led to the self-talk group boosting their endurance by 18%, from around 10.5 to 13 minutes. They also felt less strain during the exercise than the other group, whose endurance time didn’t change at all.

Confidence is the colloquial term for self-efficacy – the belief that you can successfully do a particular thing. It is this link to action that differentiates confidence from self-esteem (how good you feel about yourself) or optimism (belief that things will turn out OK). When you anticipate success, your brain releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine, the chemical messenger that fuels reward and pleasure in the reward network deep in the centre of the brain, according to research at Michigan University in 2015. Researchers at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, showed in 2016 that feeling confident about your decisions activates reward networks in the brain, while lack of confidence leads to increases of activity in brain regions linked to negative emotions such as anxiety.

Confidence and anxiety are therefore competing rivals for your actions and attention. Anxiety inclines you to retreat in avoidance of failure, while confidence is a bridge to the future that impels you forward in anticipation of reward. Most of us are slightly overconfident – men more so than women – in relation to our true abilities. And that mood-lifting, anxiety-reducing state of mind inclines us to do stuff that increases the chances of outcomes or encounters that do indeed lead to opportunity and reward, and therefore acts as a virtuous positive feedback loop.

The belief that you can do something not only motivates you to do it – it lifts your mood and lowers your anxiety

So, confidence begets more confidence, and this is why the results of a 2020 mid-pandemic survey of 2,000 people in the UK aged 16-25 are particularly disturbing. The survey, by the Prince’s Trust, found that 41% of respondents felt that their future goals now seemed “impossible to achieve” and 38% that they now felt they would “never succeed in life”. This is a more extreme example of a more general finding, that 18-25-year-olds who live through an economic recession believe less strongly that they can get ahead through hard work.

Such a dramatic drop in the confidence of nearly half a generation could reverberate for decades in the social, economic and political fabric of Britain, and elsewhere. Confidence in a population predicts many things, including academic achievement. And the economic effects are likely to be strong, too: between 2000 and 2014, for example, across 13 EU countries, including the UK, Germany, France and Spain, the confidence of individual consumers and company executives strongly predicted the unemployment rate in each member state.

The belief that you can do something therefore not only motivates you to do that thing, it also lifts your mood and lowers your anxiety, which is one way confidence works – by helping you achieve small and big goals. It also helps to explain why mental health is such a major challenge during restrictive lockdowns.

We know that lifting confidence improves performance, because many studies have shown it experimentally. For example, in 2008, researchers at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, made students more or less confident about their physical strength by randomly telling some that they were stronger, and others that they were weaker, compared with others – irrespective of their true strength, measured using a handgrip dynamometer, a metal lever which you squeeze tight against a resisting spring. The results were striking: the high-confidence group held the grip for 30% longer than the low-confidence group. They also felt less pain and discomfort in their hands.

It is very important to avoid chronic indecision and too much deliberation

Researchers in Grenoble used the same method with people aged between 52 and 91, first asking them how old they felt. On average, they felt 8% more youthful than their real age. All the participants then did the handgrip test, which in itself is a good indicator of general vitality in older people. The average grip was around 26kg. The researchers then boosted the confidence of half the group, telling them that their score was better than 80% of people their age. They told the others nothing, and both groups then took the grip test a second time. The tired hands of those told nothing scored one kilo less than on their first attempt. The raised-confidence group score, however, was one kilo more. Strikingly, the feedback-induced confidence also made them feel younger: one 60-year-old said he felt like a 53-year-old and a 90-year-old felt 10 years younger, while the other group felt no different.

Nowhere is confidence more needed than when we face change, such as in the aftermath of pandemic. Many people are grappling with life-changing decisions, often forced upon them, about their careers, education, or where to live. There are two potential states of mind in which we can approach such decisions – deliberative, where we try to select a goal or course of action, weighing up the pros and cons of each; and implemental, where we have already selected our goal and are now working out what steps to take to achieve it.

The will-I, won’t-I, deliberative mindset widens our attention – for example, making it more likely that our eyes will detect a peripheral object on a background picture. It also opens our attention to a broad range of potential good and bad future possibilities and remembered past experiences. Because of this, not only does it open up creative possibilities for ourselves, it also lets in anxious, negative thoughts and memories which tend to diminish confidence. So it is very important to avoid chronic indecision and too much deliberation, and to keep it under tight control so that you can enjoy its benefits without becoming paralysed by it.

On the other hand, focusing on solving the problem of how to achieve an already chosen goal narrows our attention to specific actions and so reduces the chance of anxiety-arousing thoughts and memories entering our consciousness. Women in particular benefit from the confidence-enhancing effects of the implemental mindset, Cologne University researchers reported.

Though under-confidence depletes our potential, extreme overconfidence – a feature of male more than female behaviour – can have big downsides, too. For example, experienced professional financial traders made poorer choices than students because of their overconfidence in their hunches, a 2006 Nottingham University study showed, while overconfidence increases the chances of leaders taking military action and starting wars, because it makes them overly optimistic about their own military strength and their chances of success.

But in spite of its downsides, confidence is a precious mental resource that we all need as we re-enter a dramatically changed post-pandemic world. The words we say to ourselves will help harness our anxieties by focusing our attention on achievable goals, just as they did for Padraig Harrington.

Prof Ian Robertson is the author of How Confidence Works (Transworld, £20). To support the Guardian order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

The Science of Confidence, a Guardian Masterclass with Prof Ian Robertson, is on Tuesday 20 July. Book a ticket here

[onebatch2batch]

Alternative Medicine

Summary: Frank’s getting old, and his vigilante days are starting to catch up to him. The Liebermans have some ideas on how to help. Kastle. Waaay post-TPS. 

AO3

Getting old affects everyone in nearly the same ways—unless you’re Frank Castle. He never expected to live this long, into his forties, and as a result he never thought ahead to having to live with the consequences of his vigilantism. The aches, the pains, the constant reminder of how active he used to be, and how active he isn’t now. He lays in bed in the morning and thinks about the bottle of OTC pain medication on the nightstand, knowing that it does nothing but make the pain fuzzy around the edges, but still thunderous in its entirety.

Getting old as Frank Castle means every puckered bullet hole scar, every ripped and healed tendon, every shattered and glued-back-together bone, screams at him at all hours of the day, begging for relief. It means trying every possible pain medication he can get his hands on and then some. It means drawing a bath and laying in Karen’s scented oils, hoping whatever voodoo she claims happens, happens and gives him a moment of relief. It doesn’t, not really, but her hands kneading his aching muscles do.

Unfortunately she’s not always there to piece him back together, and so he sits at the Lieberman’s kitchen table for their biweekly lunch with a small pained sigh and watches as they exchange a glance.

“So Frank,” Sarah starts slowly, reaching out and touching his hand, “you seem like you’re in a lot of pain lately.”

Frank scratches his neck and grimaces. “‘S nothin’,” he mutters.

David glances at his wife and Frank recognizes that look, it’s the look he and Maria used to share when the kids were being especially obstreperous, or when they were trying to decide something without alerting anyone around them. He frowns at them deeply. “What?”

“We just think…” David hesitates, taps his finger. “We think you should try another method. Of pain management.”

Frank takes a drink of his coffee, takes his time with it, then sets his mug down with a soft clink. He wants to pretend that he’s not in pain—coming to terms with his age, as well as his chronic aches, is humbling. But even now, sitting still, he feels the ever present throb in his bones. He’s known the Liebermans for years now, has seen their kids grow up; he knows they’re only looking out for him. He sighs.  “Like what?”

David nods to Sarah, who stands and rifles through a cupboard above the sink. She pulls down a box and pushes it towards him with a small smile. Frank frowns down at it, reaches over and flips up the lid.

Then, he laughs. “You’re kiddin’.”

“Listen, man, the research on this does not lie. Just like, try it. You know? Because you never know.” David throws up his hands pleadingly. “We hate seeing you like this.”

Frank pulls out the small vial of what he knows is THC, and then glances down at the bud and the pipe inside as well. There’s some kind of smoking apparatus, too, that he’ll have to learn to use. Frank closes the lid and rests a hand on it, glances up at them. He doesn’t know what to say, but they seem to understand because Sarah puts a hand over his and smiles reassuringly. “We just wanted to help. Hopefully this does.”

“Thank you,” he murmurs, and then they’re back to normal topics, and the box rests under his hands like a beacon of relief in the distance.

—

Frank returns to Karen’s apartment with the box in his coat pocket, burning a hole through his shirt. He sets about making a pot of coffee, tosses his coat over a chair and takes a deep breath as he listens to the coffee machine sputter to life.

Karen’s still at work, and he knows she’s working on a big story so she may not be home until later. The apartment is quiet with her absence, and his pain seems to echo in the negative spaces. He doesn’t remember when he went from jumping across rooftops to this constant uncomfortable tightness in his limbs. He suspects it’s much like that metaphor with the toad in boiling water. He was already midway in the pain before he realized it, and by then it was too late.

Frank sighs and grabs the pill bottle on the counter habitually, before pausing, eyes on his jacket.

“…fuck it,” he mutters, yanking the box out and laying everything out before him. The occupational hazard of living an apartment building in New York is that the halls consistently smell—weed, food, or something more unpleasant—so he’s not worried about being caught. He debates climbing out onto the fire escape, but the couch looks much more inviting.

Frank decides to start with the bud, and although it’s been a long time since he’s used it, the muscle memory leads him. He manages to get the leaves ground up between his fingers and deposits it in the bowl, then sits back against the couch and stares down at it with a rogue smile. He puts his feet up on the coffee table and raises the lighter, takes an experimental inhale and lets the smoke fill his lungs as much as he can handle.

When he lets it go, the bud is stilled cherried but the cough bubbles up and escapes him; he takes a drink of his coffee to temper it, but only burns his tongue and curses. It’s a minute before he can catch his breath and he blinks, staring out the window. Minutes pass slowly.

Great, one hit and he’s already high as a kite. Frank sets the bowl and lighter down carefully, then rests his head against the back of the couch and waits. He doesn’t have to wait long—almost immediately his body is seized in a film of calm, and he closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling of nothing at all for the first time in a long time.

He’s not sure how long he sits there, enjoying the feeling of the cold breeze over his skin from the window, before Karen’s keys turn in the lock. He rolls his head to greet her with a mellow smile and she stops just inside the door, sniffing incredulously.

“Frank,” she says slowly, on a laugh, “are you high right now?”

Frank gives her a languid smile and holds a hand out. When she steps towards him he pulls her down to the cushion next to him and kisses her temple. “Yep,” he says. “It’s from the Liebermans.”

“Why did the Liebermans get you weed?” She asks, amused gaze dragging over the box on the coffee table.

Frank hums. “Said they wanted to help. With the pain.”

Her eyes turn on his, surprised. He knows what she’s thinking already—that she’s shocked he would share his pain with them. Typically he doesn’t, knows it’s no one else’s business but his own (and by default, Karen’s). He shrugs in answer to her unasked question. “David’s a smart guy,” he says vaguely.

Karen kneads his fingers at the base of his neck lightly, considering. “Is it working?”

He gives her a small grin. “What d’you think?” he asks, placing a hand on her knee and sliding upwards.

Karen lets out a soft laugh and leans over to kiss the side of his mouth, before reaching down and picking up the bowl. Frank watches her light it, watches her slow inhale and the way the smoke fills the space around her head. Her cough makes him chuckle and he twirls a lock of her hair around his finger lazily.

“I haven’t done something like this in a long time. Since I was a teenager, actually.” She smirks and leans in close to his ear. “It always had some…interesting effects on me.”

“Oh yeah?” He rumbles, eyes darkening at her coy tone.

“Mhm…” She lifts to bowl to his lips, lights it for him and watches as he inhales. When she pulls it away, she gestures and comes close, sucking in when he blows the smoke towards her parted lips.

When she’s let out the smoke, Frank grabs the bowl and sets it down on the table, then pulls her to him and kisses her soundly. Karen laughs against his mouth, lets him yank her into a lying position, lets out a soft sigh when he runs a hand down her chest, the other working at the zipper of her skirt.

“I like this Frank,” she says with a wide smile as his lips meet her neck. “High, pain-free, sexy Frank. I can really get behind that.”

“You can thank the Liebermans later,” he says, teeth scraping against her skin, nibbling at her collarbone.

“We’re going to send them a fruit basket,” she decides, and Frank only hums distractedly and puts his pain-free body to good use.

[silver9mm]

I was tagged (months ago?) by my best bat-friend @exaggeratedspecificity to name 15 songs that I love, and I was really inspired by her emotional stories behind her choices so I thought I’d put a little effort into mine, too. 

But the thing is, when I start thinking back to songs that mean something to me, like super personally...well, sometimes I just don’t want to remember things. I got really sick when I was 11 and now it’s systemic and chronic, and it turned me schizophrenic starting about age 16 and that lasted for another 15 years. Music, literally, kept me alive. It was my best friend, the one thing I could trust. It was how I found validation for the fucked up things I was seeing and the way I felt. It’s how I spoke to the outside world---anyone who knew me then got at least one mix-tape from me, sometimes dozens. I would take lyrics and write stories about my friends with them. I had to go home and get lyrics down on paper instead of going to parties. When I rode the train cross-country, I lugged my 300 disc CD book the whole way, clutched to my chest. I kind of want to be buried with my headphones in but I’m a little worried I’ll wake up from being dead when the battery runs out.

Anyway, in the last few years...basically since I discovered Supernatural, music has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Life in general has changed. It’s better. It’s more fun, more interesting. I’ve found a creative outlet, and especially concerning music, I’m not slathering my experiences, my insanity, my feelings of loss and isolation and paranoia and confusion all over it. I’ve learned how to step outside my little fear-bubble and enjoy music from a whole new angle. So I thought, instead of going through my 130 gigs of music and forcing myself to think about those songs that I love for personal reasons and thus scratching at emotional scars and scabs of my real life, I’d do something more fun for me and pick my 15 favourite songs that exemplify my 15 long Supernatural fics, because since I’ve been writing, my life has improved by leaps and bounds and there’s not a single traumatic memory attached to the experience.

That was really long-winded.

With You by Matt Simons: This is from the soundtrack to Sense Of Life, which is my first published fic. I’m so glad I wasn’t really ‘in the fandom’ when I wrote this, because I never would have had the guts to write it if I’d known how much most shippers don’t like OFC. I would have worried too much about Mary-Sue’ing or whatever whatever. What I wanted to write about was giving the boys something to love, and then taking it away from them, because if they aren’t hurting, what’s the point? So I gave Sam a separated-at-six-months twin sister, and Dean a sick angel, then I gave them reasons to all get naked in a room together, because little did I know, Plot Productive Porn™ would be my go-to writing device. Anyway, looming over the whole fiasco is John Winchester’s A+ parenting, which sets this story up in the first place, and I was so gleefully fulfilled when I randomly heard this song somewhere while writing the fic. I was like, yesperfect.

My job to control you, darling, though I barely know you, hoping you grow tired and start giving in. Spout of holy water pour it on my only daughter maybe there's a shot she'll begin again. So wrong

Lucky With Disease by Elbow: I think this would be Crowley’s favourite band. That said, this is one of my most favourite wincestiel songs and is perfect for Wash It Away---the first fic I wrote, and it shows. A few OOC things, but I just went with what I picked up from the light smattering of gifs that had crossed my dash---I hadn’t even seen a single episode of the show yet. My least favourite fic, but still...it’s not terrible, and I love the dynamic of hurt-angry!Dean and fixer!Sam and Cas falling somewhere in between, willing to do whatever it takes to help. I definitely stuck to the first two characterisations for the rest of my writing. 

Fell like a crippled crow Spinning through and breaking branches I'm in a bad way Call my friends, they'll know what to do

Not as handsome as my brother But I've been lucky with disease

And yes, I'm a better friend Than I've ever been a lover And that's not saying much But I'm not saying much today

Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless: In some different timeline, all I’m doing is writing Megstiel. But Never The Same is all I’ve managed and it’s typical---crazy!Cas and caretaker!Meg, bees, honey. Okay, honey as lube and bees around quivering nethers, but that ‘oh what the fuck okay fine’ sentiment is there that I always loved so much about Meg. 

I had everything Opportunities for eternity And I could belong to the night Then your eyes Your eyes I can see in your eyes Your eyes You make me wanna die I'll never be good enough You make me wanna die

Adolescence by Brown Bird: Rise Above It is my goriest fic to-date, and the sort of weird, sinister nature of this song seems perfect for it. Another wincestiel fic in the same vein of WIA but I think I got the characters down a little better. Dean can’t stand himself and thinks he hates Castiel for caring about him, and Cas, par for the course, makes things worse trying to make it better, but Sam knows just where to dig into the bloody mess to get it all right again. 

So long adolescence of the frightened soul You're entering the ritual Lay down your every fear upon the altar child Prepare to play the man's role

Stay strong the sound of screaming's just the sacred rite Of death begetting new life

We are here but for the grace of everything divine It's the providence that we must find

If (don’t ever blame yourself) by Last Days of April: People who can write early-season wincest are my heroes, okay. Dean’s a different animal now, isn’t he? I’m not even remotely suggesting he’s better one way or the other, just that he’s harder for me to grasp in the first couple of seasons. Harder for me to find his voice, and I can’t even say I really ‘got it’ with The Dawn Breaks...because I don’t fucking remember writing this fic at all. I have no idea where it came from, but it’s dark and dirty and Sam is toeing the line of making himself into the same monster that hurt Dean in the first place, but in the end, he pulls it off.

If it is hard to bear I'll hold the weight If there are things you ain't I'll compensate But you should never blame yourself Put the blame on everybody else 'cause they don't see what I see If no one understands I'll understand

Lovers’ Eyes by Mumford and Sons: ngl, the entire soundtrack for Becoming Less Defined is my favourite song. I fucking nailed it with these songs: perfect combo, perfect order, perfect atmosphere, but this song in particular showcases my particular obsessive trope here. I’m so fucking proud of this ’verse, and I’m climbing the walls to get back to it and finish it. I can’t leave omega-tainted!Dean and Wall-crumbled!Sam and sweet, insane omega!Jensen in limbo. I mean, there’s actual Purgatory to get to, after all. 

Were we too young, our heads too strong To bear the weight of these lovers’ eyes I feel numb beneath your tongue Beneath the curse of these lovers’ eyes But do not ask the price I pay I must live with my quiet rage Tame the ghosts in my head That run wild and wish me dead

Complicated Shadows by Elvis Costello: It’s hard to get Dean alone sometimes, but this song really conjures up that early-season hero that I was talking about before, and writing Turn In Early was supposed to be just a little jerk-off fic, some imaginative Deancest, but because I’m the worst, it’s all slathered in gentle pain. 

Well you know your time has come and you're sorry for what you've done You should've never have been playing with a gun In those complicated shadows Well there's a line that you must toe And it'll soon be time to go But it's darker than you know in those complicated shadows

John’s Star by The National: A reminisce fic, Dean’s B.S., 2001 is a rare moment of self-reflection for Dean, but he’ll only go so far back. I love the idea of Stanford-era!Dean, sidelined, a captive audience, listening to music he probably would never on his own terms, and hearing lyrics that just fucking hit home. There’s nothing explicit about this fic, no overt wincest, but it’s there, especially with songs like this.

I don't ever want you to come home again I don't want to hear your call, your voice in my room I am divine, my arms are stronger than rivers And when you feel that way, you want to feel that way again Forever

Once ruined, baby you stay ruined

Evidence by Faith No More: The sleaze that undercurrents all of Mike Patton’s music is perfect for Dress Me Down, a jealous!Jensen J2/Genevieve blackmail fic, because you can just hear Jensen lying to himself through the music. 

If you want to open the hole Just put your head down and go Step beside the piece of the circumstance You got to wash away the taste of evidence Wash it away Evidence, evidence, evidence Got to taste evidence I didn't feel a thing It didn't mean a thing Look in the eye and testify I didn't feel a thing Anything you say, you know you're guilty Hands above your head and you won't even feel me You won't feel me

Sedated by Hozier: I would normally pick Great Expectations by Elbow for this, but the dangerous, powerful carelessness of this song fits Something To Share just as well. Schizophrenic, self-destructive and self-harming!Sam and totally out of his depth!Dean make deals and promises to each other and I just really, really love this fic okay leave me alone I’m fine. 

You and I nursing on a poison that never stung Our teeth and lungs are lined with the scum of it Somewhere for this, death and guns We are deaf, we are numb Free and young and we can feel none of it Something isn't right, babe I keep catching little words but the meaning's thin I'm somewhere outside my life, babe I keep scratching but somehow I can't get in So we're slaves to any semblance of touch Lord we should quit but we love it too much

Knock Me Out by Linda Perry: Back to my a/b/o ’verse with Between Two Minds, and we find poor Dean, omega-tainted and feeling like he can’t be loved, finally, finally starting to trust his little brother again.

You knocked me out You bit my lip You held me down and kept me sober Through all this time With no regret I guess that's just the way I liked it Maybe, when I'm free I'll realize all he really wanted To share all the peace Something I never wanted So wait, don't go Seems as though it's getting scary So please, don't you go

Feels Like by Buck 65: A song no one will listen to for a fic that no one reads. Dreamy, plinking piano for a fic that started out as a dream. My favourite artist with my favourite ending I’ve ever written. Give Buck and A Steep Fall a chance.

She found the lost boy, eyes that are crying closes Glad to be unhappy, boy gives her dying roses Ecstatic agony and nights of arousing glories Hungry hearts and hands that tell ten thousand stories Open wounds and the one word that filed under Her endless eyes have known hardship and wild wonder Kisses that cure and moments that cured the kiss Under a spell and maybe there's no words for this

I Drove All Night by Roy Orbison: The Mixtape Thing wasn’t supposed to be a fic, but I had to talk about why the songs were picked for the prompt ‘date night at the MoL Bunker’, and suddenly there was a sweet little wincest fic. Yeah, ‘sweet’. My fans were very surprised too. 

What in this world Keeps us from falling apart No matter where I go I hear The beating of our one heart I think about you When the night is cold and dark No one can move me The way that you do Nothing erases this feeling between me and you

Tell Me by Moby ft. Cold Specks: An alternative ending to BLD, But Then Again is the best thing I’ve written so far. J2/wincest/abo and so fucking full of angst and longing and good goddamn is it dirty. I’m so proud of it and myself for pulling it off, and even if I lose two more friends over it (i’m not bitter i’m very bitter), it’s still wonderful in my mind. 

Didn't have the heat I gave you memories Come deeper please I got nowhere to stay tonight Won't you make me stay? Keep your clear eyes on the prize And as I'm there Bring me to your knees

Baby Blue by Wolf Parade: Kill The Lights is the one unfinished fic on this list but I’m so close it counts. Fifty-nine songs to choose from. Five playlists. Over 100,000 words, and choosing one song to represent this brutal MCD fic is easy. Since it’s written from Sam’s POV, some of my favourite songs are the ones I imagine from Dean’s, and this is perfect. 

You're like a fool on fire To the water so blue I will come undone And I will run to you Sometimes we are an open flower Sometimes we are an open wound Sometimes we are a kind of echo chamber, wherein You're all fire and brimstone And I'm all that, too Burning blue for you

LISTEN

tagging @zmediaoutlet @omgbubblesomg @theboringprincess @chiisana-sukima @hazeldomain @indigoneutrino @dreamsfromthebunker  @bruisedmickey and anyone else who wants to do this (and if you’ve already done it, no worries ;) 

[queersplendent-deactivated]

You know, it's weird. One of the fresh meat coaches for my derby team used to tell us, "If you have some weird Thing about being touched, you're in the wrong sport," and I'd always wince. I think I heard a variation on that every third practice or so for most of the year I was in it, and I mostly just ignored it because I knew what I was on about, and was I EVER an exception to that rule.

Derby was all hard contact -- body slams, shoulder checks, hip jockeying through four layers of tights+hotpants between us, elbow pads clacking against each other -- whipping a teammate ahead of me to give them my momentum was fingertips and handguards while my palms were protected, and sometimes it was handguards on layered hips to swing myself into an opponent, but mostly it was bruises that made my dentist's receptionist quietly ask if I needed any help the day after a shoulder blocking drill.

I could deal with bruises. I LIKED bruises. Deep-tissue aches were healing and I miss them. I loved the feel of hitting the concrete and curling my fingers inward so no one would skate over them and going "This one's gonna be so purple" and it was wonderful. I got to touch people; I got to have so many layers and so many bruises that it almost felt like what I imagine it is to be normal and not have a fear of contact being too intense, because it was blunted intensity and I felt wrapped up tight and invincible in my gear, and mostly I didn't even give myself away when skinning my knuckles on the track made me force down tears after a palm-sized bruise just made me go "ow." It was always too hot and sweaty and awful but everyone was feeling it so it was camaraderie.

I'd hope for bruises and hope they lasted, because it was a good hurt like massaging a knot out, and skating made me feel perfect, and bruises were part of that feeling and carried it off the track with me. They were proof I was part of it and I was dedicated. So was the pain in my legs when I tried to climb the stairs to my apartment, and the agony of doing a five-minute wall sit. (Turns out I may have minor chronic inflammation in my quads, which just makes me a thing to feared for having gotten as far as I did, because wall sits were my ENEMY but you have to skate in a crouch.) So were hours spent cleaning my bearings and relacing my skates and picking out ridiculous striped knee socks that would end up with holes in the toes.

I knew how everything felt there. Even if a touch was unexpected or from behind, I could tell by the feel if it was my team or the other team, and I knew from experience the handful of sensations that might follow and that all of them were safe and good and made of impacts that would skip right over the sensitivity of my skin surface so they couldn't overload me. Brusies and strained muscles and aches after a bout never ever ever hurt enough to come close to the horror of a sensory overload and the panic and shame that goes with it; all of it came later, after I'd already picked myself up and kept going and felt unstoppable because to me it barely hurt at all. I got to be proud when anyone else complimented my endurance but feel secretly guilty because this was NOTHING.

I quit derby because of anxiety, some, at how clique-based it felt and how I didn't feel I could take risks because I kept being too afraid of failing and never felt I was as good as the rest of the team, but that was the lesser part. Mostly I quit derby because I have extremely small, narrow feet and ankles under extremely wide, heavy hips and shoulders, and my leg tendons were shredding themselves, while my wrists were so jacked from my job that I could hardly do pushups. I always planned to go back, once I got back on top of my finances, once I did some physical therapy. Then I developed CFS, and now I can never skate in derby ever again.

I just. I'll never be able to have that again. I'll never be able to throw my body at the world instead of everything being thrown at me, and make it so nothing was too much because everything was too much but it was on my terms and that wrapped it around to null, and if I could handle derby I could handle anything. I'll only ever be able to brush against things and try not to let them brush against my skin ever ever. I'll never go for a run because I like it, or jog for 15 minutes as a warm-up before practice, or drink bad whiskey and play pool at the after-bout party like a real person. I won't get to come home and collapse into actually enjoying a hot bath that if I weren't exhausted and sore I wouldn't be able to tolerate at all.

Derby took the edge off the world for me.

I do in fact have a weird thing about being touched, and yet I was in the right sport, and I really miss hearing and feeling a teammate skate up alongside and use my bicep as an anchor to slow down and tell me "Here, I got you" while I don't flinch away.

[howtoloseweightfastsafely]

Advanced Fat Loss - Part III: Intermittent Fasting

This is the food-timing strategy used by countless traditional cultures to reduce inflammation, fix hormonal imbalances, and literally slow down the aging process. (A nice side-effect of this strategy is an unrivaled effect on focus and productivity)

Intermittent Fasting, also known as IF, basically means eating all of your calories within an 8 hour period for men (or a 10 hour period for women) and fasting the rest of the time.

This is highly beneficial for fat burning during the fasting period, and it has the added benefit of reducing stress on your liver, other vital organs, and adrenal glands and causing a mini-detoxification process in your body.

But wait! How many times have you heard that the best way to lose weight is to keep your metabolism constantly stimulated - by eating five, six, seven times a day? Or that you'll "never lose weight" unless you eat every three hours? Too many to count, right?

Look, the supplement companies would love for you to believe that, because that keeps you using plenty of protein powders, protein bars, and meal replacements throughout the day.

But the truth is, intermittent fasting is actually closest to the way our bodies are programmed to eat; our ancestors often hunted and foraged all day, lit one fire at sundown, and did all of their cooking and eating at that time.

Now we've come a long way since that time, and made a lot of advances in nutrition and medicine that help us lead longer, healthier, more productive lives. But everyone can agree it's easier to swim downstream than upstream, and IF is definitely the way our bodies have evolved to eat.

Let's get further into the specifics of a healthy IF regimen...

You already don't eat for about 8 hours a night when you're asleep, so that's not difficult. It's the 16 hours that you're awake that you need to manage. Out of those 16 hours, you just have to choose one 8-hour period during which to fast.

The good thing is, you can work out an IF regimen that fits into your lifestyle best so long as you hit a total fasting period of 16 hours for men or 14 hours for women.

For example, if you're a man, you may decide that the eight hours after you wake up is the best time to do all of your eating, and that you won't eat anything in the afternoon, evening or through the night. This is a good way to start things off if you've still got a substantial amount of weight to lose or you have a body type with a slow metabolism.

However, if you're not someone who eats much in the morning, listen to your body! It's telling you not to eat until the eight hours between your afternoon and your bedtime.

Oh yeah, there's more.

I should also note that IF is the "strategy of champions". You, see IF is the main thing that Bruce Lee and a college football hall-of-famer (leading rusher and Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker), have in common. IF is basically the "strategy to trump all strategies" and it is my hands-down favorite way to build a jaw-dropping physique.

For example, here's how I've been structuring my fast for the past 6-8 months (for massive results!):

Last meal of the Day 1: 7:30-8 p.m.

Fast begins at 8 p.m.

Sleep: 11 p.m.-7 a.m.

Continue fasting until 12 p.m.

Eat 2 big meals from 12 p.m. - 8 p.m. on Day 2

Keep in mind that there are many variations on the IF concept: You could eat only in the late morning and afternoon, leaving four hours after you wake up and four hours before you go to bed (plus 8 hours of sleep) as fasting portions.

Or you could fast the way that Muslims the world over do during Ramadan (and Sumo wrestlers in Japan do year-round) - no food between dawn and sunset, but the feast at the end of the day is something truly epic. The point is, it's up to you and your lifestyle.

The only thing to add is that you should definitely perform your workouts during your eight-hour eating period, not during your sixteen-hour fasting period. There is a slight exception to this rule if you do one (or both) of the following:

- Have some grass-fed butter or MCT/Coconut Oil with your morning coffee. This will give a bit of a boost and not be so stressful on your body.

- Take 5-10 grams of BCAAs (branch chain amino acids) about 45 minutes pre-workout.

This will help prevent muscle breakdown that may occur when training fasted. (You can get roughly 10 grams of BCAAs for every 40 grams of whey protein.)

Otherwise, if you work out on an empty stomach, your body is too low on many of the hormones you need to promote muscle growth and burn fat, and in many cases, you'll only end up forcing your body into a catabolic state, where it's cannibalizing its own muscle for energy (and rapidly lowering your day-to-day basal metabolic rate.)

That said, as long as you're in a caloric deficit and are training steadily on IF, I wouldn't worry too much about losing too much muscle or stalling your fat loss.

For example, here's a peek into Herschel Walker's very unorthodox fitness regimen. He eats one huge meal per day (dinner), and it consists of soup, salad, bread, and occasionally chicken. He workouts out daily, but uses no weight training whatsoever. Instead, he sticks to progressive bodyweight training. I wouldn't recommend his workout regiment to any of us mere mortals, but for reference, he is known to do up to 1,000 push-ups, pull-ups, dips and squats EVERY DAY.

(The man is a beast.)

On a somewhat similar regimen, Hugh Jackman (from Wolverine/X-Men, Les Miserables, and various other films) practiced a 16/8 Intermittent Fasting routine. Like the method I've described above, he fast for 16 hours and then eats all 6,000 of his daily calorie needs within an 8 hour period.

A few things to keep in mind during IF:

- You will get hungry the first week or so and want to give up. Just stick with it, and keep in mind that you have 2 huge meals coming up in just a few hours.

- To stave off hunger, make sure you have your morning coffee or tea, and feel free to have an extra cup or two of plain green tea if you need.

- Stay hydrated!! One of the biggest reasons IF doesn't work is because people don't drink enough water, and misinterpret thirst as hunger.

- Keep busy. One of my favorite benefits of IF is the massive productivity boost. Many IF practitioners have noticed the same effect. Basically, water, some caffeine, and some work to get done somehow bring you into an intense state of focus. I usually get more work done while I'm fasting in the morning (and not worrying about food) than I do the whole rest of the day. 

That's all for now. You've got three "cream of the crop" methods that will constantly fire up your body and reveal a lean, lean physique, especially when more traditional methods eventually fail.

Remember, though, that this is advanced fat loss - if you're just getting started on a weight-loss program, cycling your carbs and calories won't actually be as effective for you as a standard calorie-restriction and exercise regimen.

After the first month or so of a standard program, the ideal fat loss per week is between one and two pounds; anything more is unsustainable (and counterproductive in the long run, because it can destroy your lean muscle and stresses your heart) and anything less isn't working fast enough to get you the results that you want.

Thus, use traditional means to lose weight (eat less, eat better, work out, use the calorie calculator bonus) until you stop losing one to two pounds per week; this should happen between four to six months after you've started your program.

Once it does stop, you're ready for advanced fat loss methods like carb/calorie cycling and intermittent fasting (and the body of your dreams!)

 Interested in losing weight? Then click below to see the exact steps I took to lose weight and keep it off for good...

Read the previous article about "Advanced Fat Loss - Part II: Carb Cycling"

Read the next article about "Putting It All Together"

Moving forward, there are several other articles/topics I'll share so you can lose weight even faster, and feel great doing it.

Below is a list of these topics and you can use this Table of Contents to jump to the part that interests you the most.

Topic 1: How I Lost 30 Pounds In 90 Days - And How You Can Too

Topic 2: How I Lost Weight By Not Following The Mainstream Media And Health Guru's Advice - Why The Health Industry Is Broken And How We Can Fix It

Topic 3: The #1 Ridiculous Diet Myth Pushed By 95% Of Doctors And "experts" That Is Keeping You From The Body Of Your Dreams

Topic 4: The Dangers of Low-Carb and Other "No Calorie Counting" Diets

Topic 5: Why Red Meat May Be Good For You And Eggs Won't Kill You

Topic 6: Two Critical Hormones That Are Quietly Making Americans Sicker and Heavier Than Ever Before

Topic 7: Everything Popular Is Wrong: The Real Key To Long-Term Weight Loss

Topic 8: Why That New Miracle Diet Isn't So Much of a Miracle After All (And Why You're Guaranteed To Hate Yourself On It Sooner or Later)

Topic 9: A Nutrition Crash Course To Build A Healthy Body and Happy Mind

Topic 10: How Much You Really Need To Eat For Steady Fat Loss (The Truth About Calories and Macronutrients)

Topic 11: The Easy Way To Determining Your Calorie Intake

Topic 12: Calculating A Weight Loss Deficit

Topic 13: How To Determine Your Optimal "Macros" (And How The Skinny On The 3-Phase Extreme Fat Loss Formula)

Topic 14: Two Dangerous "Invisible Thorn" Foods Masquerading as "Heart Healthy Super Nutrients"

Topic 15: The Truth About Whole Grains And Beans: What Traditional Cultures Know About These So-called "Healthy Foods" That Most Americans Don't

Topic 16: The Inflammation-Reducing, Immune-Fortifying Secret of All Long-Living Cultures (This 3-Step Process Can Reduce Chronic Pain and Heal Your Gut in Less Than 24 Hours)

Topic 17: The Foolproof Immune-enhancing Plan That Cleanses And Purifies Your Body, While "patching Up" Holes, Gaps, And Inefficiencies In Your Digestive System (And How To Do It Without Wasting $10+ Per "meal" On Ridiculous Juice Cleanses)

Topic 18: The Great Soy Myth (and The Truth About Soy in Eastern Asia)

Topic 19: How Chemicals In Food Make Us Fat (Plus 10 Banned Chemicals Still in the U.S. Food Supply)

Topic 20: 10 Banned Chemicals Still in the U.S. Food Supply

Topic 21: How To Protect Yourself Against Chronic Inflammation (What Time Magazine Calls A "Secret Killer")

Topic 22: The Truth About Buying Organic: Secrets The Health Food Industry Doesn't Want You To Know

Topic 23: Choosing High Quality Foods

Topic 24: A Recipe For Rapid Aging: The "Hidden" Compounds Stealing Your Youth, Minute by Minute

Topic 25: 7 Steps To Reduce AGEs and Slow Aging

Topic 26: The 10-second Trick That Can Slash Your Risk Of Cardiovascular Mortality By 37% (Most Traditional Cultures Have Done This For Centuries, But The Pharmaceutical Industry Would Be Up In Arms If More Modern-day Americans Knew About It)

Topic 27: How To Clean Up Your Liver and Vital Organs

Topic 28: The Simple Detox 'Cheat Sheet': How To Easily and Properly Cleanse, Nourish, and Rid Your Body of Dangerous Toxins (and Build a Lean Well-Oiled "Machine" in the Process)

Topic 29: How To Deal With the "Stress Hormone" Before It Deals With You

Topic 30: 7 Common Sense Ways to Have Uncommon Peace of Mind (or How To Stop Your "Stress Hormone" In Its Tracks)

Topic 31: How To Sleep Like A Baby (And Wake Up Feeling Like A Boss)

Topic 32: The 8-step Formula That Finally "fixes" Years Of Poor Sleep, Including Trouble Falling Asleep, Staying Asleep, And Waking Up Rested (If You Ever Find Yourself Hitting The Snooze Every Morning Or Dozing Off At Work, These Steps Will Change Your Life Forever)

Topic 33: For Even Better Leg Up And/or See Faster Results In Fixing Years Of Poor Sleep, Including Trouble Falling Asleep, Staying Asleep, And Waking Up Rested, Do The Following:

Topic 34: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 35: Part 1 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 36: Part 2 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 37: Part 3 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 38: Part 4 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 39: How To Beat Your Mental Roadblocks And Why It Can Be The Difference Between A Happy, Satisfying Life And A Sad, Fearful Existence (These Strategies Will Reduce Stress, Increase Productivity And Show You How To Fulfill All Your Dreams)

Topic 40: Maximum Fat Loss in Minimum Time: The Body Type Solution To Quick, Lasting Results

Topic 41: If You Want Maximum Results In Minimum Time You're Going To Have To Work Out (And Workout Hard, At That)

Topic 42: Food Planning For Maximum Fat Loss In Minimum Time

Topic 43: How To Lose Weight Fast If You're in Chronic Pain

Topic 44: Nutrition Basics for Fast Pain Relief (and Weight Loss)

Topic 45: How To Track Results (And Not Fall Into the Trap That Ruins 95% of Well-Thought Out Diets)

Topic 46: Advanced Fat Loss - Calorie Cycling, Carb Cycling and Intermittent Fasting

Topic 47: Advanced Fat Loss - Part I: Calorie Cycling

Topic 48: Advanced Fat Loss - Part II: Carb Cycling

Topic 49: Advanced Fat Loss - Part III: Intermittent Fasting

Topic 50: Putting It All Together

Learn more by visiting our website here: invigoratenow.com

[bookreviewsandsamples]

How I Lost 30 Pounds In 90 Days And How You Can Too

NEW YORK, NY --- IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.

I was in the midst of what I could only describe as a mental breakdown.

For the past few weeks, I'd been visualizing my "future self" quite often...

This "future self" being a healthy, happy and incredibly fit young man.

An image that, up until this day, had seemed like a sure shot.

As the wise men say, though, "all good things must come to an end". And in line with the prophecies or whatever you want to call them, my fairy tale had come to an end.

This end was the day I that my three, incredibly fast months of weight loss came to an abrupt stop.

(In reality, it had actually ended at least a few weeks prior. I'd just been too blind to realize it.)

It was the end of 30 pounds of rapid weight loss.

The end of an incredible amount of fat that disappeared, like a miracle, in less than 90 days.

A miracle that went just as fast as it came.

It went, even as I foolishly kept thinking I was "doing great" and "getting lean".

It went, until the fateful day I realized that I had made ZERO progress over the last 2-3 odd weeks.

...That the scale wasn't moving an inch.

That the fat on my stomach looked exactly as it did in the weeks prior.

And that my muscles seemed to look me back with the "ain't got time for yo' bullshit" look.

My BODY had officially had it.

And truth be told, I deserved it.

I thought I could read a 300-word blog post and follow its 6 "diet rules", learn NOTHING about nutrition, learn NOTHING about exercise, learn NOTHING about my body, and somehow transform from an obese slob to a lean, mean fat-burning machine.

Not so fast, buddy!

And so began my quest.

A quest that culminated in massive, lasting success to the tune of 76 pounds lost. And to the reality, not just a pipe dream, of transforming from an obese slob to a lean, mean, fat-burning machine.

But a quest that, for me, included the time to understand the finer points of nutrition. To understand the inner workings of both body and mind. To discover both time-tested strategies, and modern tips and tricks --- and to proverbially "hack" my way to the upper echelons of fitness. To hack my way to a level of mastery in the field, that ranks far above the "experts" spouting off their un-researched, unproven "facts"...yet below the level of claiming complete, unquestionable knowledge of the field.

Because as I've learned by studying the real experts, the claim of unquestionable knowledge is nothing more than proof of a tremendous ego and a complete lack of humility.

There is no one, I repeat no one, who knows everything there is to know about nutrition, exercise, physiology, psychology, and all the other components of building a healthy, happy, well-rounded person. (But there are some who know a whole lot, myself included. [end shameless plug])

The best we can really do is keep an open mind, and always strive to learn more, to apply more, and to test more.

To be better than we were yesterday and as good as we can be today, for ourselves, and for our clients, for our families, and for our friends, and to every single person, we come into contact with on a daily basis.

And in doing so, we can sow the seeds for an amazing, fulfilling, freeing life.

At least that's how I see life today, and how I hope you see life too (or start seeing it.)

Anyway, I know that was a bit philosophical, but it's important to get out there.

Moving on, let's get to the "meat" of what the book is all about.

I formally introduce you to one of the most comprehensive books on fat loss, fitness, and body-mind wellness that I know of (and trust me, I've read a TON of books on the topic) -- a book that combines:

Hundreds of conversations with health & wellness specialists, NY Times bestselling authors, world-class fat loss experts, and more.8

Insane amounts of study, research, testing, and application, both with myself and my clients. (This includes studying and implementing strategies from over 40 full-length books and 600+ research papers & expert commentaries.)

My unique 8+ years of small "successes", followed by seemingly insurmountable failures and culminating with the final, lasting 76-pound weight loss success that I have now.

Furthermore, I introduce you to a book that you can use to, at a minimum, grasp the "big picture" of fat loss so you can start transforming your body today (while of course delving deep into the knowledge if you'd like).

And lastly, I introduce you to a book that takes away all the guesswork, and makes it simple and easy to change your body, without all the B.S. of trying out a hundred and one things just to lose a damn pound!

I hope that you use this guide wisely. Use it with as much (inner) strength, vigor, and dedication as you can muster, and in doing so, you too can have your very own extreme fat loss transformation.

 Interested in having a similar success story? Then click below to see the exact steps I took to lose weight and keep it off for good...

 Read the next article about "How I Lost Weight By Not Following The Mainstream Media And Health Guru's Advice - Why The Health Industry Is Broken And How We Can Fix It"

 Moving forward, there are several other articles/topics I'll share so you can lose weight even faster and feel great doing it.

 Below is a list of these topics and you can use this Table of Contents to jump to the part that interests you the most.

Topic 1: How I Lost 30 Pounds In 90 Days - And How You Can Too

Topic 2: How I Lost Weight By Not Following The Mainstream Media And Health Guru's Advice - Why The Health Industry Is Broken And How We Can Fix It

Topic 3: The #1 Ridiculous Diet Myth Pushed By 95% Of Doctors And "experts" That Is Keeping You From The Body Of Your Dreams

Topic 4: The Dangers of Low-Carb and Other "No Calorie Counting" Diets

Topic 5: Why Red Meat May Be Good For You And Eggs Won't Kill You

Topic 6: Two Critical Hormones That Are Quietly Making Americans Sicker and Heavier Than Ever Before

Topic 7: Everything Popular Is Wrong: The Real Key To Long-Term Weight Loss

Topic 8: Why That New Miracle Diet Isn't So Much of a Miracle After All (And Why You're Guaranteed To Hate Yourself On It Sooner or Later)

Topic 9: A Nutrition Crash Course To Build A Healthy Body and Happy Mind

Topic 10: How Much You Really Need To Eat For Steady Fat Loss (The Truth About Calories and Macronutrients)

Topic 11: The Easy Way To Determining Your Calorie Intake

Topic 12: Calculating A Weight Loss Deficit

Topic 13: How To Determine Your Optimal "Macros" (And How The Skinny On The 3-Phase Extreme Fat Loss Formula)

Topic 14: Two Dangerous "Invisible Thorn" Foods Masquerading as "Heart Healthy Super Nutrients"

Topic 15: The Truth About Whole Grains And Beans: What Traditional Cultures Know About These So-called "Healthy Foods" That Most Americans Don't

Topic 16: The Inflammation-Reducing, Immune-Fortifying Secret of All Long-Living Cultures (This 3-Step Process Can Reduce Chronic Pain and Heal Your Gut in Less Than 24 Hours)

Topic 17: The Foolproof Immune-enhancing Plan That Cleanses And Purifies Your Body, While "patching Up" Holes, Gaps, And Inefficiencies In Your Digestive System (And How To Do It Without Wasting $10+ Per "meal" On Ridiculous Juice Cleanses)

Topic 18: The Great Soy Myth (and The Truth About Soy in Eastern Asia)

Topic 19: How Chemicals In Food Make Us Fat (Plus 10 Banned Chemicals Still in the U.S. Food Supply)

Topic 20: 10 Banned Chemicals Still in the U.S. Food Supply

Topic 21: How To Protect Yourself Against Chronic Inflammation (What Time Magazine Calls A "Secret Killer")

Topic 22: The Truth About Buying Organic: Secrets The Health Food Industry Doesn't Want You To Know

Topic 23: Choosing High Quality Foods

Topic 24: A Recipe For Rapid Aging: The "Hidden" Compounds Stealing Your Youth, Minute by Minute

Topic 25: 7 Steps To Reduce AGEs and Slow Aging

Topic 26: The 10-second Trick That Can Slash Your Risk Of Cardiovascular Mortality By 37% (Most Traditional Cultures Have Done This For Centuries, But The Pharmaceutical Industry Would Be Up In Arms If More Modern-day Americans Knew About It)

Topic 27: How To Clean Up Your Liver and Vital Organs

Topic 28: The Simple Detox 'Cheat Sheet': How To Easily and Properly Cleanse, Nourish, and Rid Your Body of Dangerous Toxins (and Build a Lean Well-Oiled "Machine" in the Process)

Topic 29: How To Deal With the "Stress Hormone" Before It Deals With You

Topic 30: 7 Common Sense Ways to Have Uncommon Peace of Mind (or How To Stop Your "Stress Hormone" In Its Tracks)

Topic 31: How To Sleep Like A Baby (And Wake Up Feeling Like A Boss)

Topic 32: The 8-step Formula That Finally "fixes" Years Of Poor Sleep, Including Trouble Falling Asleep, Staying Asleep, And Waking Up Rested (If You Ever Find Yourself Hitting The Snooze Every Morning Or Dozing Off At Work, These Steps Will Change Your Life Forever)

Topic 33: For Even Better Leg Up And/or See Faster Results In Fixing Years Of Poor Sleep, Including Trouble Falling Asleep, Staying Asleep, And Waking Up Rested, Do The Following:

Topic 34: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 35: Part 1 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 36: Part 2 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 37: Part 3 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 38: Part 4 of 4: Solution To Overcoming Your Mental Barriers and Cultivating A Winner's Mentality

Topic 39: How To Beat Your Mental Roadblocks And Why It Can Be The Difference Between A Happy, Satisfying Life And A Sad, Fearful Existence (These Strategies Will Reduce Stress, Increase Productivity And Show You How To Fulfill All Your Dreams)

Topic 40: Maximum Fat Loss in Minimum Time: The Body Type Solution To Quick, Lasting Results

Topic 41: If You Want Maximum Results In Minimum Time You're Going To Have To Work Out (And Workout Hard, At That)

Topic 42: Food Planning For Maximum Fat Loss In Minimum Time

Topic 43: How To Lose Weight Fast If You're in Chronic Pain

Topic 44: Nutrition Basics for Fast Pain Relief (and Weight Loss)

Topic 45: How To Track Results (And Not Fall Into the Trap That Ruins 95% of Well-Thought Out Diets)

Topic 46: Advanced Fat Loss - Calorie Cycling, Carb Cycling and Intermittent Fasting

Topic 47: Advanced Fat Loss - Part I: Calorie Cycling

Topic 48: Advanced Fat Loss - Part II: Carb Cycling

Topic 49: Advanced Fat Loss - Part III: Intermittent Fasting

Topic 50: Putting It All Together

[thrivingprimally-blog]

For lasting results, find your WHY!

If you’re like many people I know, you may have come into the new year with gusto, saying “2019 is my year to get healthy!” … or “lose weight!” … or “get fit!” But, if you’re like 80% of people, by February, your initial excitement will have waned and the resolution long forgotten.

Life got busy.

Temptations arose.

Friends and family were assholes and did not share in your enthusiasm about your new healthy lifestyle. In fact, they were downright resistant and unsupportive. The husband brought home doughnuts and cookies. Colleagues brought cookies and pizza to the office. Friends invited you out for drinks and pub fare. Jerks.

Cravings for your favorite comfort food got the best of you. And dammit, you EARNED it because you went to the gym four days this week and had salads with dinner every single night last week! Can I give you a little hint? You don’t EARN junk food. You simply make a choice to put it into your mouth, and the choice is always yours. Sorry to be a killjoy.

Old habits, like parasites, worked their way back in.

You blame it on willpower. “I just don’t have enough.”

Ninety-five percent. The research shows that 95% of people who establish a health or weight loss goal fall flat of reaching that goal at all, or fail in the long-run by gaining all that weight (or more) back. Not good odds, and how can you be part of the measly 5% who see long-term success?

The answer lies in the word “why”.

If stopping and starting and stopping and starting has been a recurring pattern for you in your journey towards better health, then I suggest you DIG DEEP and establish your big WHY. And let me tell you something right now, my friend--a shallow or superficial reason such as fitting into size 4 jeans, or losing 15 pounds for your wedding, or getting a swimsuit body for an upcoming vacation, or running a marathon in October is not a big enough WHY.

Why not? Because your WHY needs to be much, much bigger. Because when you get to that size 4 or lose those 15 pounds, the vacation or the athletic achievement is over, then what? Did you achieve that ultimate state of happiness that you thought you’d have when you reached that superficial goal? The research indicates that this is not the case.

I tell my clients and participants in my group programs that in order to achieve long-term success, you need to have a deep emotional connection to your why. When you think about your why, you should have a visceral reaction in your gut, get goosebumps, a catch in your throat, and big fat tears welling up in your eyes. Your why should be big enough that it takes you well beyond superficial short-term goals and keeps you fired up to prioritize your health for the long-term (i.e. for LIFE!). To make “being healthy” just part of who you are. When other people think of you, they think of you as healthy (among your other awesome qualities that will shine through even more when you’re healthy from the inside out).

To find your big WHY, I suggest you sit your butt down with a pencil and paper and make a list of ten reasons you’re unsatisfied with your health the way it is in this very moment. In other words, what it is it about your current state of health that creates limitation in your life? What can’t you do that you want to be able to do? What do you see yourself not being able to do five, ten, or twenty years from now because of your current state of health?

Then, turn that list around and make a list of how your quality of life would be improved if your life wasn’t limited by those things. What could you do or have that you can’t do or have right now because of your health?

What is it that you really want? Why?

Who do you want to be? Why?

How do you want to feel? Why?

How do you want to show up for your family, friends, colleagues, the world? Why?

In other words, figure out what the most important, highly valued things are to you in life (you’re going to find some themes) and use those things as a focal point for your reason to get and remain healthy. Really, if you’re serious about getting healthy, you’ll take the time to sit down and do this exercise. Or stand at the counter and write it. I don’t give a shit whether you sit or stand to write your list, just do it!

Keep going with your list. THINK FUTURE. Thirty days from now...ninety days...six months...five years...twenty years, and so on. High performance coach Brendon Burchard says that successful, high performance people think about the future...constantly. So thinking in the moment about satisfying your current whims ain't gonna get you to better health. I’m sorry.

I’ve seen it time and again...folks get themselves all fired up about getting healthy, signing themselves up for a health challenge (even those that I’ve run), and going into it ALL IN. Well, sortof all in. I mean, for the 30 days or so of the challenge, that is. Maybe even for the following week or month. They see all sorts of improvements in the way they feel, their energy, their sleep, their skin.

But then, something happens. Life gets busy. Social gatherings happen. Their family doesn’t share their enthusiasm about their new healthy ways. Old habits slowly sneak their way back in. Before they know it, they’re staying up well past their bedtime and their cart at the grocery store is filled with Doritos and Oreos (“Hey, it’s kid food. Gotta stock my house with snacks for the kiddos.” I’m just going to resist the urge to diverge down THAT rabbit hole right now.) instead of meat and vegetables. Their cars steer themselves right into the drive-thrus at Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds. But they’re still hitting the gym 3-5 days per week, so hey, it’s all good, right? Wrong.

WHY does this keep happening? Because those folks have not identified a big enough why. They’re too focused on short-term superficial goals like the number on the scale, or the measuring tape, or PRs they’ve hit at the gym this week. F*ck the scale. F*ck the measuring tape. F*ck the PRs. These things tell you nothing about real health and what’s going on inside your body.

My personal WHY came to me after a 20-month health crisis that ravaged my body and spirit had me questioning what was really important to me in this world; wondering if I would be around to witness all the major milestones in my two boys’ lives...first girlfriends, athletic achievements, graduations, careers, weddings, grandkids. This was after over two decades of suffering from chronic health issues that I just couldn’t seem to resolve no matter how many doctor visits I made or how many medications I took. And I was no slouch either. I had several marathons under my belt, including multiple Boston marathons, which I’d qualified for. The scale told me that I was a “healthy” weight. My size 2 pants fit just right (well, maybe a little loose). I was a high achiever in my career. My blood work always came back normal. I looked pretty good on the outside, aside from the humiliating acne, which I got really good at covering with makeup.

But my body told me something was wrong. Really wrong. And it seemed nobody could help me, so I decided to help myself because I decided I wanted to be there for all the major milestones in my kids’ lives. I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel, and I also wasn’t willing to live a sub-par life struggling with chronic symptoms that sucked the joy out of every minute.

Through digging deep and educating myself I learned that many of the foods I was eating were making me sick. I learned that I was over-exercising, adding stress to my already struggling body. I learned that my sleep habits were really harming my health, and gave up the sleep deprivation badge of honor. I learned that the thoughts I was allowing to take up space in my brain were causing additional stress that was also keeping me sick. I made becoming healthy a priority, and made it a priority to change my habits...permanently...in order to achieve that goal. It didn’t happen overnight in the same way that my poor health hadn’t happened overnight...it was the result of many years of not honoring my body.

After recovering from my 20-month health crisis, I realized that I had been suffering from chronic symptoms for SO LONG (decades) that I hadn’t even realized what it felt like to be healthy! That state of waking up each morning fully rested and ready to tackle whatever the day has to offer, free of symptoms, and feeling as alert and energetic in the afternoon as I did first thing in the morning. It was, and continues to be, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! I find that this is the case with all of my clients as well, because when you’ve been suffering from chronic symptoms for years you come to forget what it feels like to feel good...you just begin to see the symptoms as part of “getting older”, which is the dogma we’ve been told to believe.

Here’s a partial list of what keeps me motivated to stay the course, even when temptations arise…my big WHYs:

1. I know what it feels like to be healthy. I also know what it feels like to feel like SH!T every single day. I don’t ever want to go back to that dark place.

2. I want to experience and enjoy all my young-adult boys’ major milestones.

3. If and when I have grandchildren, I want to have the energy and physical mobility to play with them and take them on fun adventures, to get up and down from the floor without assistance.

4. If I live to be over 100, barring no tragic accidents between now and then, I want to fully enjoy each and every day of it without pain or disability. Quality of life matters. Who cares if you live to be 110, if you are riddled with miserable symptoms all the time? That would suck.

5. No matter what age I live to, I want to be able to travel and not be limited in the types of activities I can participate in, whether that be a difficult hike or a high-speed jet boat adventure.

6. No matter what age I live to, I want to be able to take care of my own business in the bathroom. I would think pride matters at any age.

7. I want to have full brain function until the day I die so that I can have intelligent conversations with my great grandkids.

Notice how my list does not include anything about a number on the scale or pants size or hitting PRs in the gym? Does that mean I don’t have any short-term goals? No, it just means that I’m focused on the bigger picture. Your big WHY needs to be big enough that it keeps you inspired to make being healthy a LIFESTYLE, and that voice in your ear that reminds you why you should leave that package of Oreos on the shelf at the store instead of adding them to your cart.

The common denominator is happiness. We all want happiness, right? Feeling like crap tends to suck the joy right out of your life.

“But I’m busy! I work full-time and I have kids.” Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard it all before. We’re all busy. Folks, lots of people have done amazing things in this world while being busy (and short on funds). When I dragged myself up from the depths of despair, I was busy. I worked full-time, I had two kids with sports schedules to keep up with, homework to help with in the evenings, meals to cook, a house to maintain. Oh, and I was taking classes for a Master’s Degree program. I had a budget, and I paid a lot of money on my quest to reclaim my life. I get it. But I made my health and happiness a PRIORITY and I found my WHY!

If you want to become deeply healthy, you must make health a high level PRIORITY, which means you find a way to fit it into your time and budget no matter what. Health is a lifelong journey, not a 30 day sprint. Temptations will arise. Friends and family will be unsupportive. You’ll get home late and have nothing prepared for dinner. To overcome these obstacles, you must have a plan and a deep and emotional value-driven WHY.

What is it that you need to get there? A mentor/coach? An accountability partner? Do you have the tools and knowledge necessary to get there, or do you need some help? If you have some chronic long-term health issues or autoimmunity, I can help you get to the bottom of your health issues and get you feeling like (or better than) yourself again. In my practice, I use functional lab testing to investigate HIDDEN internal causes of stress on the body in addition to providing education, resources, accountability, and mentoring.

If you need help figuring out what foods are right for your body, the lifestyle tools and habits you need to employ, and HIDDEN causes of your niggling symptoms so that you have the energy and vitality to enjoy life again, schedule a complimentary Empowered Health Discovery Session here. You CAN be the BOSS of your health for life, and I can help you get there!

I also provide group coaching opportunities for businesses and gyms, which can be done virtually or in-person, so contact me if you want more information about that.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is good health. Find your WHY and make it a PRIORITY to do what it takes to get there! Honor your future self by taking care of your body today.

[vanessa-0188]

I feel like you make up stuff for attention. Like there's ALWAYS something going on with you to make others feel bad for you.

I wish you'd messaged me with your URL so I could answer this privately, but alas... For clarity, and transparencies sake I'm going to clue you in on a little bit about my life story.I was born at 24 weeks gestation to teenage parents who, frankly, weren't ready to be parents (though I don't know what teens WOULD be). My mom got her shit together pretty rapidly after I was born; my dad was a different story but we'll jump back to him in a second.I, because of premature birth, was born with two underlying conditions that have caused the rest of my health problems. I am not a medical professional, so I am going to google/copy-paste the definition of these conditions here, and then relay to you how they've informed my life.1. Cerebral Palsy: While Cerebral Palsy (pronounced seh-ree-brel pawl-zee) is a blanket term commonly referred to as “CP” and described by loss or impairment of motor function, Cerebral Palsy is actually caused by brain damage. The brain damage is caused by brain injury or abnormal development of the brain that occurs while a child’s brain is still developing — before birth, during birth, or immediately after birth.Cerebral Palsy affects body movement, muscle control, muscle coordination, muscle tone, reflex, posture and balance. It can also impact fine motor skills, gross motor skills and oral motor functioning. (Source: cerebralpalsy.org)2. VATER Syndrome: VACTERL or VATER association is an acronym used to describe a series of characteristics which have been found to occur together... Babies who have been diagnosed as having VACTERL association usually have at least three or more of these individual anomalies. There is a wide range of manifestation of VACTERL association so that the exact incidence within the population is not exactly known, but has been estimated to occur in one in 10,000 to 40,000 newborns. (Source: cincinnatichildrens.org)Cerebral Palsy has left me permanently wheelchair bound (I have 0% walking or standing capabilities), and sometimes causes me motor issues with my hands (I.E. they shake during activities, are never fully non-spastic). As far as VATER I've tried to spare myself a little dignity by omitting the exact definition of the acronym, but google it for your own knowledge if you'd like; I don't have all of the conditions in the acronym, but this syndrome has caused me a lifetime of debilitating gastro-intestinal issues, furthered orthopedic problems, and most damningly- it KILLED my left kidney completely when I was two days old. Suffice it to say my life has never been medically easy.I mentioned before that my dad never really got his shit together to be a dad. My parents never had a formal custody agreement. But my mom did what she thought was right in trying to give my little brother and I opportunity to maintain a relationship with our dad. She'd drop us off with him at our paternal grandmothers house every-other weekend. I could sit here and tell you countless stories of abuse and neglect, but I'll just give you dear-old-dad's greatest-hits:* 1:00a.m. one night when I'm about eight years old (this would make my brother about four). My dad has friends over playing dominoes and drinking. We're awake still. I pipe up, "dad, we're tired, please take us to bed...", He threw a pillow and my head and said "if you're so damn tired make beds for you and [your brother] on the floor. When I protested he came over, knocked me down to a laying position, got inches from my face and screamed "shut the fuck up!"* Again, another friend-gathering. I really REALLY had to pee. He was in the bathroom on the phone. I waited HOURS for him to come out (there was only one bathroom I could use, and I needed his help). When his friends begged him to come help me. I ended up having an accident on the floor. He violently shoved my nose in it like a dog.I never told my mom or teacher or grandparents about any of this because I didn't know any better; I thought that was what all dads did. Until I was 10.* At age 10, on my dads birthday, we wanted to have a dinner for him. My mom obliged, inviting him to our apartment. It was also Super Bowl Sunday... he agreed to come over after he watched the game with his friends. My brother and I were so excited- we made cards and helped my mom bake a cake. That night we picked my dad up from a friends house, drove through and got dinner, and on the way home he and my mom started arguing. We got inside, they served us dinner, my mom set me up on a dining chair to eat, and they went to her room to "talk". Sometime later I heard violent screaming, and instructed my brother to go investigate. I'm sparing my own-psyche and the dignity of the other victims by withholding too-many details but that ended in holes in walls, my mom almost dying in front of me, injuries to my brother,a grade-three concussion for myself, and threats of death for us all by gun violence.I didn't talk to my dad again til I was 22. At that time I was struggling emotionally, longing for a relationship with him, and there were growing-pains at home as I was a young-adult who wanted to live a certain way that didn't conform with my moms house-rules. My dad and I had been in contact again for a short time. After a heated argument with my mother and stepfather (she married when I was 13), my father offered to let me stay with him. Things were great living there, until* One night he decided to push my boundaries, taking a trivial disagreement over taxes and house payments of all things, and bringing my mother into it. My anxiety flaired, and I tried to flee to my room. He followed me, grabbed me by the wheelchair, and held me in place, grabbing my hands and imploring me to hit him. He continued antagonizing me for hours, at one point when I called my mother terrified for my life, he taunted her as well. Through ingenious planning by Sheriffs and family, I was saved with only a split bottom lip and chipped-tooth.(And I guess I should note here that my sperm-donor of a biological father has spent time in jail for abusing us.)I spent time after that trying to heal my soul. Got to a good place in life where I was happy. Moved to my own assisted-living apartment. Then my bladder failed, resulting in me needing a permanent catheter. A month later my remaining kidney failed, resulting in my need for dialysis (for your reference, "The main purpose of dialysis is to help impaired renal function. When your kidneys are damaged, they are no longer able to remove wastes and excess fluid from your bloodstream efficiently. Wastes such as nitrogen and creatinine build up in the bloodstream. If you have been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (CKD), your doctor will have these levels carefully monitored. Before dialysis, patients often felt weak and ill. Dialysis brings relief from these symptoms. This is the primary benefit of dialysis.Dialysis is done by using a special fluid called dialysate. Dialysate, a mixture of pure water and chemicals, is carefully controlled to pull wastes out of your blood without removing substances your body needs. A semipermeable membrane (one with microscopic holes that allow only certain types of particles to pass through) keeps the blood apart from the dialysate. This membrane lets the wastes and fluid in your blood flow through into the dialysate. Your blood cells and larger molecules, like protein that you need, cannot fit through the holes. There are two main types of kidney dialysis: hemodialysis (HD) and peritoneal dialysis (PD). [Source: DaVita]). I do hemodialysis: three days a week, four hours each time, I go to my dialysis clinic where they hook me up to my dialysis machine. My blood is filtered through a catheter that has been surgically connected to my heart. As I mentioned in my concert post, this process makes me vomit, and can sometimes induce symptoms that make me feel like I'm having a heart-attack. I'm on the transplant list, but due to my various GI surgeries I may not be a viable candidate. Time will tell. If not, I will have to do dialysis for the rest of my life.I had a best friend who, due to things that were my own fault, I've now lost my friendship with. In areas where I lacked support, she was my number one. This loss has been so hard in conjunction with my health issues; I'm grieving it right now.So yes, I'm aware it seems there's always something; that's because unfortunately there is. My life is messy, and complicated as hell. I'm very emotional, and I require a lot of support- something I'm not afraid to reach out for here on tumblr (even if it's in the form of fic distractions). If that bothers you, please scroll by- and if you feel the need to say something on anon, it's probably best left unsaid.Oh, and because we're at this point where you've got me airing dirty laundry, I'll be posting picture proof of some medical problems in my next post (I'm on mobile so I can't do it here 😉)Love Always,Vanessa