#I really do wish someone would just put me out of my fucking misery I am SO TIRED of this shit all the time and I'm too cowardly to fix

[doofnoof]

I'm so FUCKING ANGERY!!!

Mom brought some sort of flu/cold home, me n my brother catch it. I've already been struggling for a week now because my reproductive system is all fucked up and I don't have insurance and my mom will not actually help me with insurance so I just get to sit and be in pain and get told I never do anything and that I'm wasting my life.

I'm woke up an hour early because my brother snuck into my room to take some flu medicine, when there's a whole other bottle on the fucking table in the kitchen. I have to argue with him about cleaning out his cup and then when I ask him to please feed the cats this morning since I've taken over for him twice now this week. He says "eh I'll try" and then he doesn't.

I wake up to take more medicine, sick as a dog, and come out into the kitchen to see hungry cats and A FUCKING DEAD BIRD. Odin just keeps catching them and every counter-measure I put in place to protect the birds are ruined by my mom actively fucking removing them. She thinks it's funny, it's not, and I feel so HELPLESS to do anything about it.

THEN!! Then I get to spend my morning shuffling outside to take care of the dead bird, feed the cats, and I finally get my breakfast made. I go to the bathroom to pee rq.

The toilet seat is askew and I have to completely remove it and put it back on again, because apparently everyone else is incapable of such a feat. I sit down. I look. No toilet paper. They didn't replace the tp when they were done. I handle that too, even though I'm so sick I'm visibly shaking and cannot breathe without wheezing loudly. The cats thought I was meowing at them this morning but it's just my fucking Lungs whistling.

I get back to my room. My food is cold.

I just wish someone would fucking kill me at this point. After I got a lecture yesterday about never doing anything to help anyone too.

[ofdreamsnwishes]

You think of yourself as a good liar. Not that you lie a lot, but if needed, you can make it work. But this... How do you lie out of this.

"Someone told me you're into me." Jaemin says, a smirk on his lips. He leans in, shoulder resting on the wall near you. He is close, like really close, enough to hear your heart beat out of your chest, you think.

"Who- Who said that-"

"So it's true?" It is, goddamit, it is, but now you wish it wasn't, his smirk and knowing look is making you feel the need to puch his face to spare you of the embarassment.

"You're putting words in my mouth. I just wanted to know who would spread such a lie." Yes, good, that sounded genuine, right?

"You're red."

Fuck.

"It's hot in here."

"The AC is on." He notes, head tilting to the side, seemingly having fun with your misery.

"What do you want from me?" You ask quietly, looking away, defeated. So much for being a good liar, you can't even control your red cheeks.

"Well, you see... If you liked me back... I was considering taking you on a date, but since you said you don't-" He drags out each sentence, peaking down at you to see your reaction.

"You like me to?!" You whip your head around, way faster than you intended too, embarassment paiting you cheeks an even deeper color of red once you spot his smile. You fell for it.

"Wasn't it a lie that you were into me?" Jaemin is loving this, teasing you endlessly until you give in.

"You're so infuriating!" A frustrated groan leaves your lips as you hide your warm face in your hands, wishing the ground would swallon you whole.

The boy chuckles, approaching you. You feel his presence right in front of you, and your heartbeat quickens. Two hands wrap around yours, gently prying them from your face, in a daze, you look up, eyes meeting his.

"Are you free this Saturday?"

[b0ygirlpuppy]

sitting on a dildo while my cunt clenches around nothing and my cock throbbing from no stimulation is really one of the best feelings. forced to focus on the painful stretching of my unprepared hole, my mind not allowed the bliss of being clouded by touching myself, my hole involuntary clenching which only makes the aching worse.

shifting to get friction on my poor cock only makes me start to fuck myself and that sensation melts my mind until the urge to pound my ass has me practically drooling. i’m convinced at this point i’d cum from that alone, just the feeling of a thick cock slamming in and out of my ass would send me over the edge

of course, there is something to say about how dumb i look. eyes crossed, mouth open involuntarily and almost panting, the sudden jerks of my hips as the time passes and my ass only grows sorer. if i were home alone id be whining and pleading to no one but since i have to be quiet im just swallowing back gasps and making the dumbest faces as i hold back a moan.

if someone were to find at me do you think they would think i’m pathetic or put me out of my misery by fucking the living daylights out of me? i would almost wish it were the first one, to have someone laugh at my pitiful noises and continue to deny me. talking about how mutts don’t deserve pleasure and i need to learn how to take a cock deep in my ass like a real man. they would say they’d touch my cock if it was there but they can’t find one, and pull my legs apart letting cold air hit my sensitive nub making me honest to god whimper at the need to be fucked

[mothwingwritings]

Ok ok ok. Hear me out. I had an idea about what happened after the series. (Apologies in advance if this is cringe, I try my best 😔)

After reading the mini series of Yujiro being a Step Father™️ and after the last part of the series (Goddamn that was brutal 😭), I couldn’t help but think about how in the end he was like “expect to see me around often-.” LIKE HELLO?!

This man is really gonna pull up to the dojo, where his bbg stepdaughter is at, not giving a shit if all of the guys are glaring at him and Katsumi, Jack, and Baki are literally about to pounce on him for what he did- nah nah, I could see him giving them a nasty smile and asking about where you’re at.

No one says anything and this man has the audacity to be like, “awww is my baby girl recovering from the (censored) that I gave her? It seems she’s gonna need a few more rounds of (censored) with daddy before she can take more of my (censored) without being a lil bitch.”

And then the protective trio are jumping this mf, seeing red and trying to beat the shit out of him.

But sadly, the ogre is demolishing them all and everyone’s too scared to move to step in. He’s especially pummeling Katsumi, taking pleasure in his blood soaking his fists.

It’s only until you come out on wobbly legs, that you plead for him to stop beating up the love of your life.

The ogre only gives you a disappointed look, before saying “now if you weren’t hiding, this would have been avoided. Look what you did you silly girl, this is all YOUR fault.” He just loves to gaslight istg.

You’re over his shit, wanting him to leave and not hurt your loved ones again. “What do you want?”

With the same bloody hands that he used to demolish your lover, he pulls out a black box and gets down on one knee.

Everyone is fucking gasping, they’re watching in horror as he lifts up the top to reveals a shiny Diamond ring.

Baki and Jack are watching helplessly as their sister gets puts in a horrible situation, they wish to intervene. But they’re too weak to move.

The ogre flashes you a slimy smile, one that makes you take a step back.

“Will you marry me? And have my baby?”

The sound of someone throwing up rings out throughout the tense silence.

"So what'll it be," he leers at you wickedly, Katsumi's crumpled body discarded at his feet, "You gonna accept your position like a good girl, or do you need me to keep putting on a show for you?"

You went numb, your limbs collapsing under your weight as you crashed to the ground. Distantly you could make out your brothers screaming something in the background, a warning or possibly a threat, it sounded too muffled to tell.

All you could focus on was Katsumi's bruised and broken face, so puffed up and bloody you could scarcely tell it was the man you loved. His chest still rose and fell, bringing you brief comfort knowing he was still alive. But how long would that be the case? Would he survive if you told Yujiro no?

Tears cascaded down your cheeks as you shifted you focus to the gaudy, massive rock presented to you. It was just as ostentatious as the man who offered it, a vile checkmate you could not escape from.

"All it will take is one word to end this," Yujiro's voice was stern, his predatory gaze drinking in your misery with glee, "I'll even be nice and let you choose if you get a happily ever after or not, princess."

~

GOD THIS WOULD BE AWFUL AAAHHH. Like, can you imagine? All that hell you went through, your loved ones doing all they can to build you back up and protect you, AND THEN THIS?

Dreadful. The worst. Horrid. I absolutely love it.

This was not cringe at all and I adored it, ty anon for making me (and now everyone else) suffer so deliciously. <3

[bleucaesura]

WAITING TO WANT YOU LESS - 1 / ?

(Companion piece to “Over You”)

***

Stolas jarred awake.

Alarm screaming in his ear, he was tangled in his bedsheets, still in his clothes from the night before, head spinning, hedging what was going to be a massive hangover.

Fuck.

He heaved upright in bed, trying to get out of the sheets and scramble out of bed; a hand slapping over his beak.

Not gonna make it.

He settled for collapsing over the side of his bed and hurling his entire stomach contents on his bedroom floor.

Twice in as many days… Yay me…

He slapped his alarm off and wiped the remnants of last night’s festivities off of his face. He rolled back onto the bed with a groan and magicked away the mess on the floor. The effort left his head ringing like someone had smashed a giant gong inside his brain.

Ok… No magic… Understood.

He’d love to tell himself - or anyone who asked - that it had been a long time since the last time he’d felt like this. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t even say it had been a short time since he’d felt like this. In fact… He was starting to think that feeling like this had become his new normal.

Whatever the fuck that means…

He really should get up. Get out of last night’s clothes. Have a bath. Wash away whatever these smells on him were.

Stolas sat up, sniffed his shirt front and was slapped in the face by the smell of a cologne he didn’t recognize.

What the…?

Last night came rushing back, hitting him like a freight train.

Oh… Oh my…

Stolas flushed.

The handsome incubus.

Steve? Stan?… Dan…?

He struggled to remember what he’d said his name was. It had been very loud. And they hadn’t really done much talking…

Stolas turned a darker shade of red thinking about it. He slapped his hands over his face, flopped over onto his stomach and screamed into his pillow, his feet doing little childish kicks up and down behind him.

Did I really do that? I don’t do that… Why the heck did I DO that?

He rubbed his face aggressively into his pillow and groaned. Why had he done that? Why had he even gone to the party in the first place?

Oh right… Be honest now, Stolas… To be petty…

Stolas scowled into his pillow. If Blitzø hadn’t shown up yesterday morning, he would have just stayed home. If Blitzø hadn't yelled and been such a prick, he would have been content to wallow in misery alone at home.

If Blitzø…

Stolas could feel tears stinging his eyes, threatening to fall. He’d spent so much time crying already. He didn’t want to cry anymore. He snatched up another pillow to hide under. He sniffled, trying to fight back the tears.

He shot upright like he’d been electrocuted.

No… No no no no no!

He clutched the second pillow over his head and poised to hurl it angrily across the room. But something stopped him. His heart lurched, he tried to swallow the giant lump in his throat, and the tears poured down his face, unbidden.

He held the pillow to himself and hugged it tightly, burying his face in its soft end. He took a deep breath.

Fuck…

The scent on the pillow sent a shiver up and down Stolas’s body, ruffling every feather. He began to shake, clutching the pillow for dear life; a heart-wrenching sob ripped from his gut.

He’d meant to put it away. Get rid of it. Wash it. Something. ANYTHING. But he hadn’t.

Blitzø’s pillow - the one on his side of the bed from all their nights together - had remained on the bed during all the months Blitzø hadn’t come. Stolas had refused to let his staff wash it after their last night together, so it lay on the other side of his big empty bed like a silent placeholder; a promise for their next night together. A hope that Blitzø would come back.

But he hadn’t. Not of his own free will. And in all the empty, lonely nights Stolas had longed for him to come, he would reach out and touch the empty space beneath it, wishing Blitzø were there instead.

When Stolas especially missed him, he would lay his face close to it (never touching, for fear it would lose its scent in favour of his own) and take one small stolen sniff. Just to remember what being near him was like. Just to see his face clearer in his mind for a moment longer. Just to ease the ache in his heart.

Stolas sobbed into the pillow. He no longer cared about preserving the memories, he wanted to smell him and feel as close to him as he could in that moment. And if that stupid pillow was all he could do, then it would suffice.

Why did Blitzø have to be so cruel? Why had he come yesterday morning? Why had he come to the party?

Stolas faltered, tears stopping.

Blitz came to the party…

Stolas felt his stomach drop, leaden and twisted.

Blitzø came to the party... He tried to talk to me…

His grip on the pillow loosened and it sank to his lap. He felt so heavy. Heavy and hollow.

Why couldn’t Blitzø just take the knife out and walk away? Why did he have to keep coming back to push it deeper and give it another twist?… What had he even said?

Stolas smacked himself in the face with the pillow. He didn’t want to think about this anymore. He didn’t want to hurt anymore.

He chucked the pillow across the room. It barely missed landing on the chez lounge, and half hung off the end; teetering on the edge.

Stolas heaved a sigh and wiped at his tears, his sleeve coming back covered in mascara.

“I must be a frightful mess.” He muttered to himself.

He reached for his phone, thinking he’d reverse the camera and use it as a mirror, and found it dead.

Figures…

He magicked the power cord over, plugged it in and was rewarded with a stabbing pain in his brain.

Right… Hangover… Magic equals brain hurty…

Stolas groaned and chastised himself internally. He sighed and dug his talons into the bed sheets. He looked over his shoulder at his big empty bed. At the empty space where Blitzø used to sleep. The space that may very well always be empty…

The urge to curl up and sleep forever was overwhelming. But instead, Stolas stood, walked into his bathroom and closed the door, refusing to look back again.

*****

[lastweeksshirttonight]

All righty, I managed to get back home despite the hurricane, let's talk about the show.

Tl;dr - I traveled cross-country to see John Oliver and Seth Meyers. It was amazing and I am still giddy about it!! Gonna put all the details under a cut to not clog up your timeline/the tags.

(All jokes will be paraphrased/guestimated bc my adrenaline and ADHD played havoc with my memory recall, lol.)

Firstly, the Beacon Theatre is absolutely stunning. It reminds me a bit of the Theatre at Ace Hotel in LA, in that it's clearly had its old elements lovingly preserved and harkens back to an older time. It was truly a gorgeous venue.

I missed getting a pic of the other side of the stage, which had a massive sculpture of shields and spears. John made a joke about the opulence of the room not matching the entertainment for the evening, and noted that "even Coco Chanel would say to keep it to one shield". Really wish I'd thought to get a picture of it, he was not wrong.

I was extremely close to the stage - 3 rows back and dead center. I definitely had the anxious excited adrenaline jitters because of it.

I mean COME ON.

The opener was Brooks Wheelan, who I remembered from his brief stint at SNL. He talked a fair deal about that, and told a great story bit about getting fired from there and opening for John shortly after, wherein he drank an entire bottle of "HBO blood diamond whiskey" from John's dressing room and had, in Seth's later words, "a nervous breakdown". I'd heard Brooks has opened for John before and was glad I got to see him, he's a lot of fun.

He also told a joke about not wanting to learn karate because of the huge glass windows in front of every karate studio and not wanting anyone to watch him learn karate. Lots of very understanding laughter there, including from me. (Why do all these places have massive plate glass windows?!)

After Brooks was John Oliver, and y'all. Let me get this out of the way.

He is fine as hell. Look. Just LOOK. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS

I would also like to take the time to gush effusively about John's mastery of set structure. The set was, aside from the typical "before we get started, I need to let you know I'm British" pseudo-opener he's used since like 2005, entirely new material -

(As an aside... !!!!!! I KNOW!!!! A FULL FUCKING HOUR OF ENTIRELY NEW MATERIAL!! THAT I WAS NEAR THE FRONT FOR!!!! I'M SO VERKLEMPT STILL YOU HAVE NO IDEA)

- and it was just beautifully written from a structural standpoint. It was pretty much all political material all centered around history and the need to understand it for context on the world as it currently stands. There were some digressions from that point but they were seamlessly woven in. He is such a goodamn incredible stand-up comedian.

A few things he talked about in his set:

That time the US dropped nukes on itself twice (which was briefly mentioned on LWT but not in this detail and not including a reenactment of a man dropping a bomb while working on a plane and him reacting to watching it roll away).

That the current British royal line of succession exists because of a "cousin-fucker who cut someone into pieces like a Benihana chef". (John told us this is something he learned researching this bit, which caused me unending joy. I love that he's making new sets!! :D)

John delights in the misery of billionaires and wished that the rocket Jeff Bezos was on would blow up. He doesn't want him to die, though. Through this he also talked about Elon Musk and his favorite fake blue check company tweets, mainly a series made by a fake Chiquita account claiming to have overthrown Brazil, followed by Chiquita saying they hadn't actually overthrown any governments since 1954.

John got booed at a Sesame Street benefit and told a killer set of jokes about Bert judging him for it. ("The man lives with Ernie! He knows chaos!")

He claims we will all know things are okay with the US again when we are all irrationally mad at Anne Hathaway for no reason again. Told an incredible story about how he just blundered into the street in LA once, almost got hit by a car, looked up, realized it was Anne Hathaway in the car, saw her wave at him, and, despite the scenario being objectively his fault, being somehow mad at her.

Shaded Dave Chappelle in an analogy about how we are not at Civil War division times because "somehow our level of division is people debating whether Chapelle's SNL monologue was okay or not", in a way that suggested it was very much not okay. 10/10 no notes.

Okay so there was one recycled bit - him being informed the Queen wanted to give him an OBE. He added to it fantastically though, by personifying the man from the embassy as the most offensively British stereotype you could possibly imagine. He said the man sounded like "if a British person rubbed a teapot and a genie came out".

There was definitely more but I could gush forever so let's move on.

Brooks came back out to introduce Seth and forgot the name of his show, lol. For a brief moment we all contemplated what Last Week Tonight with Seth Meyers would look like. (I assume the show's Adam Driver would be Stefon.)

Anyways, here is the only good photo I took of Seth.

Seth was great as well - not as good as John, but I'm very biased in that regard. The material was also pretty diametrically opposed to John's, much more domestic comedy about his wife and kids and their idiosyncracies.

I really liked Seth's energy and approach. I don't quite know how to explain this, but he had a touch of Dennis Reynolds energy to him, a restrained manicness, that was really interesting to watch. That's not my normal association with Seth's energy, either, but it was very fun. Definitely puts some of the more deranged things from his tenure as Weekend Update host in context.

Some highlights from Seth's set:

He had an amazing brick joke about doing accents as a comedian, where he imitated a Swedish accent and talked about how everyone's Swedish accent is basically the Swedish Chef from the Muppets and how the only Swedish food anyone has nearby is the meatballs at IKEA. Funny on its own, but later in the show, Seth talked about how people assume he's fully Jewish, including people on the street. He noted that he's 25% Swedish but no one comes up to him on the street and goes -insert Swedish Chef impression-. (This straight up killed the guy sitting next to me, who ended up laughing with his head in his hands for a solid 30 seconds.)

His kids eat very healthily, so when they end up going to friends' houses and eat one Skittle, they turn into demons. Literal demons. Seth's impression of an actual demon trying to undo a double-buckled car seat was the hardest I laughed at his whole set.

Seth also had a section which he claimed would be the part where he'd tell anti-trans jokes "if he was a complete asshole". I enjoyed the trans affirmation the whole evening, ngl.

Seth's family and his wife's family have very different ways of conversing at the dinner table, which directly mirrors my and my partner's family - Seth's family (like Mr. Lee's) is big on listening to everyone and contributing to conversations only when someone else has talked; Alexi's family (like mine) is constantly screaming over each other.

After Seth's set, everyone (including Brooks) came out to do a Q&A. I could not think of a song in the moment, but realized at the hotel room an hour after that I should have made @chiijohn 's evening by asking John's opinion on Planet of the Bass. :facepalm: Sorry mate!

Still, some great questions were asked, and it was about 30 minutes of just audience interaction. I've never experienced anything like it at a stand-up gig and genuinely loved it. John, of course, told people they were free to leave before the Q&A because why would they want to stay; the man is incapable of thinking anything good about himself and much as I hate his bad self-esteem, I would have been concerned if he hadn't said something to that effect.

Brooks was asked almost immediately if he remembered the name of Seth's show, which was honestly hilarious. Brooks said "I conferred with John backstage and we're both pretty sure that it's Late Night with Seth Meyers".

Someone asked how fearful Seth and John were of their shows being cancelled after one year, and Brooks snarked that he knew that feeling. (Brooks seems to have a good sense of humour about not being a huge presence on SNL.) Seth said that he wasn't super worried but that they redid his entire set (background set, not stand-up set) because Alec Baldwin said it looked like "a sushi restaurant in Burbank". (theoniontheworstpersonyouknow.jpg) John said he was told most HBO shows don't get cancelled at one season and he said "we'll see about that".

There was definitely some extended riffing on Alec Baldwin being a piece of shit afterwards, while John giggled helplessly. I love John's giggling.

Seth and John's favorite Muppet is Cookie Monster. They talked about how interesting it is that you can have amazing chemistry with Muppets, and then meet the puppeteer and have literally nothing to talk about. Seth also talked about how low-tech Big Bird was, and how the late Carroll Spinney, when on SNL, held a script in one hand, the controls of Big Bird in the other, and a flashlight in his mouth to read the script.

Everyone is upset they didn't get to cover the indictments because of the Writer's Strike. John thought there were only 3, but I honestly don't know if one of them came down before the Writer's Strike and he was just referring to the ones since then. It's been a long few months for us all.

Brooks basically forces John and Seth to get out of their hotel rooms when touring. Otherwise, Seth said, "they both just sit there anxious". That tracks, especially for John, who literally said on Seth's podcast that he is physically incapable of relaxing.

When asked about their influences, John said (rather obviously) that he wouldn't have a career without Jon Stewart, and Brooks talked about how both Seth and John really uplifted him and cared for him after he got fired from SNL. Seth talked in a really lovely way about how Amy Poehler basically adopted him and got him out of his shell and was a real friend to him early on.

I really wish I'd written down every stand-up that the three of them recommended when prompted, because I've completely blanked on half of them. Seth said Joe Pera (who I also highly recommend); John recommended Maria Bamford (again, also highly recommend). He also said that most people in the room would have probably not heard of him but that the best in the UK was Daniel Kitson (paging @tellthemeerkatsitsfine to provide her recs bc she knows Kitson backwards and fronts). Brooks gave a shout to Kyle Kinane (who I am not as familiar with as I should be).

There was so much more, but honestly, I was just so in the moment that I feel like I remember things in waves. It was an amazing evening and I was honestly so blessed to be there at all.

I did not wait at the stage door or anything, because I am truly not that kind of person and have consistently been sure that if I ever met John, I'd barf on his shoes. I know on Instagram some people had gotten stage door photos, though, and I'm happy for them!

Thank you all for always being supportive of this dumb blog. I don't think I would have had the confidence to go on this cross-country journey without you all randomly egging me on all the time. It was one of the best nights of my life. 💖💖

[rottenbrainstuff]

IWTV S2 ep 5 - the good Young Daniel shit. TW: mild suicidal ideation? imp of the perverse? or something?

Nice, I was really waiting for this one. I just love Young Daniel, I find him so incredibly delightful, and I’m trying to pin down why.

Part of it of course is that the actor does such a good job, part of it is how charming I find his big goofy grin, how he flips back and forth between XD and DX so quickly. But I think it’s also because since episode one we’ve focused mostly on nothing but vampires, who’ve had decades or centuries of trauma and grapple with super-human sorrows and fears, and even old Daniel has had a full life of disillusionment and regret and physical pain. But here's Young Daniel and he is so different from everyone, even his future self, so young and naive and fresh, really the absolute antithesis of every other character we’ve got used to at this point. Maybe that's it.

Armand continues to be so pathetic to me in how simple he is. Like, while I watch all this, I'm reading up on V:tM for my daughter's game, and like. Armand isn't running some elaborate political long-game with complicated motivations only a 7th generation methuselah would understand, it's all just so pathetically basic, he wants someone to love him (Lestat, Louis, Daniel... doesn't matter who) and he doesn't understand why no one loves him like he wants. Man I remember his face back when Louis was talking about his Lestat hallucination, the very bare hurt. So lonely and so simple.

Mr. Easeful Death. I found this whole bit extremely disturbing, because Assad is a good actor and the whole thing is extremely comforting and compelling to me, like an anglerfish lure drawing the deep sea fish right in. It would work on me, in a heartbeat, and I find that disturbing to contemplate, like standing at the edge of a big drop and being terrified of how easy it would be to fall. Armand's little merciful hunting that he talks about in that one short story, finding the people who are so tired of being alive, or finding the people who desperately want to be consumed by a demon lover, and becoming that for them, yeah that would work on me, pathetically easy. Don't Fear the Reaper and all of that jazz - I would be gone, gone immediately, gone before he even finished his spiel. Rest - my god, yes please. I am so tired. And so, I found the whole scene so incredibly disturbing. Armand is the feeling of comfort that comes at the end when someone is freezing to death, the relaxing nitrogen narcosis that urges the deep sea diver to do something stupid and sink to their death, the light that lures the little fish right into the mouth of the anglerfish. That is 500% my jam, that scares the shit right out of me, gentle loving death as a mercy, a service, a putting-out-of-misery, yikes. It's terrifying. I fucking love it.

To my surprise though, Daniel fights against it. He has things he wants to keep working on, his life isn't pointless, he likes his life, he wants to live. Broke my heart. Perhaps you could say that my surprise with his reaction comes from my own extremely bad world view. But I wonder if that's not the normal reaction Armand usually gets. He didn't really react to Daniel's objection - I kind of wish he did, I think it would be neat to establish this was something that sets Daniel apart and surprises Armand. Armand thinks he's grasped the threads that will help him unravel Daniel's resistance, he's done this so many times before, but this time it takes a couple tries to get it right. I wonder if it makes Daniel fascinating to Armand as well. Oh well! Just a thought.

Poor old Louis, poor old everyone.

I had mentioned I had watched some video analysis of the show (which pointed out the characters I thought were new were actually based on stuff from the book, which I had forgot/missed, dummy) Seems that, understandably I guess, ep 5 was (is) controversial. And now I feel like a bad fan, because unlike a lot of people, apparently, I like that Lestat has done something that is actually unforgivable. I am not excusing his behaviour, I think it's inexcusable, and that's why I like it. I... yeah man. I dunno. I feel like a bad fan. Everyone talked about how book Lestat would not do that. And at the time when I first watched the ep, that's exactly what I thought as well - Lestat was always a shit but he was never this bad. Episode 6 made me think back on that some more though. I just... Look, I don't really care for book Lestat. Not towards the end, anyway. To me, as the books went on, he became more and more like someone's bad dnd character, the most special and the most skilled with the most sad backstory and this and that and blah blah blah and not enough realistic flaws to balance things out.

In the video it said gross fans are excusing his behaviour like oh, well, it's because of xyz abuse, it's because of abc thing, my gosh I even saw a post saying that you know maybe the reason for the ep 5 fight was all because of Amel (lore stuff - it's this spirit of violence and rage that infects all vampires) and that wasn't the "real Lestat" at all like... noooooo no no no no no no *sigh*. I'm not excusing anything. I mean, the past abuse puts things into context and makes it sad and interesting because it's a perpetuation of cycles of abuse, but that doesn't excuse it. I like that Lestat has done something legitimately inexcusable. I liked how shocked I was in ep 5 and how convinced by his sincerity I was in ep 6 and I like how that left me conflicted and confused. I like that it's difficult. I don't want it excused or explained or handwaved, I want it to stay ugly and uncomfortable, exactly as it is.

Man. I really do feel like a bad fan though. Am I the only one who can't stand the later books and wants this show to be 6 seasons max? Two seasons each for IWTV, Vampire Lestat and Queen of the Damned. They can inject appropriate bits of Vampire Armand as needed. And then after that, stop. No more. Am I the only one? Anyways. Creeping closer to the end of season 2 now. I can't wait to see more of Madeline and Claudia, even if it's so sadly short before the big bad wrap up.

[gemstone-ruby]

Bridgerton S3 (part 1)

*** WARNING: WALL OF TEXT ***

I had this sitting in my drafts since the first release day but I wanted to hold onto it to see how feelings change after part 2. Full disclosure: these are my thoughts on everybody BUT Penelope. I think I'll give her her own stream of consciousness post after her story is complete.

~ Spoilers after the break ~

Cressida Cowper: I was pleasantly surprised that we got to see Cressida as a growing person instead of a just an airheaded mean girl. It's well known that all debutantes are under an immense pressure to marry and marry well. This season puts Cressida's pressure on full display while also showing how she's realizing that being a shark trying to catch a man can only do so much. Whether she finds a match or one is forced on her, she cannot continue this way if she wishes to have actual friends when all is said and done. This especially shows when she decided to not rat out Eloise for a quick piece of gossip like she might have done in the past. I hope she catches Lord Debling so they can both be put out of their societal misery. Now, speaking of Eloise....

Eloise Bridgerton: You are getting on my fucking nerves. She spends two seasons turning her nose up at society and complaining about achieving something of substance and does absolutely nothing about it expect play Sherlock Holmes so badly that the Queen nearly publicly crucified her. Yes, I understand why she is mad at Penelope for writing the article; it is an extremely valid reason to be upset. But if you ask me, Eloise is being a better friend to Cressida, a bully she supposedly can't stand, than she ever was to her oldest fucking friend. The friend who was always encouraging, always gave her an ear to complain, always ready, happy, willing, and able to be by her side even if that meant they were on the outskirts of society while doing so. At the end of Season 2, I came to the conclusion that Eloise is more hurt by the fact the Penelope did what she couldn't/can't bring herself to do, which is showing society a woman can achieve "real" accomplishment without being attached to a man. Eloise would bitch and moan about attending university but notice how she never said what for. She never gave a solid aspiration like doctor, lawyer, writer, etc. (if she did please correct me). She was just pissed she wasn't handed the option like her brothers were for simply being born male. If Eloise WAS a man, I think that man would be a mix of Season 1 Anthony and Season 1&2 Colin: Traveling to big named places under some noble guise only to laze around with all the money lining his pockets. Even if Pen is writing in secret, she's still doing it; Lady Whistledown is a hit. Penelope has found something she is so passionate about that she's risking everything and she's so skilled at it that she's actually succeeding and Eloise can't stand it. She can't handle the fact that while she was complaining and then being used as a pawn by the Queen (almost to the determent of her reputation), her best friend was living out her own dreams, outsmarting everyone while doing so. And in all honesty, with the witch hunt the Queen was on and the way their society works, I don't think there was any other way of 'clearing' Eloise of being Lady Whistledown than what Penelope did. Nothing short of turning herself in anyways. And I think that if Eloise truly cared for Penelope as a person, she probably would have came to that conclusion on her own had she taken that time to think of anyone other than herself. Up until then, Lady Whistledown never really "targeted" anyone; she just reported things as they happened no matter how good or bad they made someone look. Unfortunately, I feel like Eloise liked being 'the smarter friend' to the 'wallflower' more than she actually liked Penelope as a person.

Colin Bridgerton: This is going to come off a little harsher than I mean it to but I still think Colin is a fickle man who just used his last trip abroad to master the art of manipulation with a soft smile and pretty words. I am not truly heartless; I can empathize with the reason why when his mother called out the people pleaser in him. I just feel he's suffering a little from what Eloise is going through; he wants the dopamine hit of achieving something but he has no ultimate goal. All he really had up until this point was the loaming reputation of being a Bridgerton boy that he felt he had to uphold for the longest time. I think his soul searching only really truly began on his last trip because Marina finally 'set him free'. I don't think he really loved her; liked her and could see a nice future with her? Yes. But loved her? No. There was some small part of Colin that was still attached to the idea that everything could/would turn of perfectly with Marina as they were playing that game of society so well together when in reality, she was essentially playing him to save her own life. Hell, he didn't even acknowledge the fact the Marina basically outright told him Penelope was in love with him and all homie heard was "I don't want you, stop coming here".

Francesca Bridgerton: Poor sweet neurospicy girl!!!!!! Francesca Bridgerton is a girl who grew up in a house full of noise (probably with sensory issues) and all she wants now is peace. She just wants a quiet home to practice her music; She'll pop out a baby or two for her husband cuz she knows that's what's expected of her but a large family? NO. You can see it as she moves through society: she has no desire to be there. I think her story hurts my heart a little more because she's stoic struggling in silence. The Bridgertons are a giant family with the reputation that they LOVE their giant family. Which means she can't verbalize that they make her uncomfortable sometimes without hurting their feelings because they will never understand. That isn't to say she doesn't love her family, she just needs space without them. So she's stays quiet. She adjusts her mask while playing a funeral march to regulate her emotions before stepping out into the bustling world. Francesca's only hope of escape is if she goes through society's games; once that's accomplished, I know for a fact the only people who will ever she that girl again is her family, their staff, and a special few music prodigies that make their way into her circle. I wish her and her equally neurospicy suitor all the best! (If the Queen fucks with this I'm going to be pissed off)

~ Additional Thoughts ~

THAT CARRAGE SENCE What a hell of a cliffhanger to leave us on half through the season!

I was absolutely dying when Lady Featherington had to go home from a ball early to give the birds and bees talk to her daughters. Like this lady had the audacity to ask if they expected a baby to just appear in the womb? PROBABLY BITCH! WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING???? All you rich assholes go through life sealing your daughters away from the world, telling them the only point to their time is to make themselves perfect in the art of "sit still, look pretty"; They are then peacocked around and pitted against one another to be sold to the highest bidder. They will either (and most likely) get to the end of the 'marriage' season, because this is just 3 months out of the year BTW, alone and in tears thinking themselves not good enough OR get married to a man they do not know at all and hope he's gentle in giving the lesson that their parents purposely censor from them.

I love the Violet Bridgerton is getting herself back out there but I hope she doesn't get played. We obviously don't know what caused Lady Danbury to come to dislike her brother so much but I hope she spills before Violet gets in too deep. I know Violet is a grown woman who can make her own choices but I also feel like it takes her just a second too long to take off the rose-tinted glasses she wears 24/7.

Benedict is a bleeding heart looking for a MILF to simp over but he keeps getting screwed, first in the way he wants and then in a way he doesn't. (Yes, I know how insane that sentence is. No, I will not re-polish it.)

[rou-luxe]

written 10:42-11:24 PM Sunday 6/2/24

haha I don't make any fucking sense not proofread

I'm really hoping tomorrow doesn't come.

I think distracting myself peaked again after one of my own parents called me useless and lazy. The other parent keeps telling me to talk to them, to tell them what's wrong... but it doesn't really help, they keep comparing me to people like my aunt (who they raised) and themself. It's not reassuring. It doesn't help at all. But you know, parents always offer food in place of comfort and apologies 🥰

I didn't even start working on my presentation (which, to be fair, we only had TWO DAYS for) or finish the material needed for it. The presentation was supposed to be tomorrow. Hardly fair... For the paper I mentioned, there's no one I know who can proofread it properly... On top of that, the tutors don't respond as quick as I'd like and don't even give good feedback in the first place.

Mental health hardly feels like an excuse. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it something fundamentally in my being?

I hate feeling weak. Feeling flawed. Older child syndrome.

I don't like sharing my feelings

here sorry this is the revised censored version from a week and half ago

Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this flawed? Tell me, what did I do to deserve this life? What sin have I committed? I'm so sensitive that even the slightest thing breaks me. Is there something wrong at the core of my being?

I wish these feelings would go away

it's commonly said that how someone is raised shapes them...

"Let the knife sink into the flesh and pierce my heart, for life is a tragedy and I am exiting the stage."

"No more hate, no more love, just a standstill: though empty, it is peace."

"I deserve to suffer for my 'crimes', for in your eyes, I am truly at fault."

"Perhaps someday soon some kind soul will give me deliverance. Shoot me, strike me dead. Goodbye, I have been liberated from this mortal coil, this miserable prison of flesh. Goodnight. Good riddance to the torture called life. I am glad to be rid of it." - the "if you love me then put me out of my misery" philosophy again

back to flaw: "I am not a saint, and thus I will forever rest in the depths of hell."

I should have died that day, but Death hates me too

"Crack open my chest, and devour all that is there, for then I will be of some use." - I've said this one before I think

we're either going out quietly or with a bang

"Death to the sinner, wouldn't the self-proclaimed saint be delighted?"

"In a world where people watch and do nothing as others suffer, is it possible for you to blame me for trying to think of myself?"

then I think there was the big one from November it went something like this

it looks so cringe I usually express things better on paper

"if you love me then put me out of my misery"

I hate how showing emotions is frowned upon. not just the society here, I've been yelled at for crying since I was merely four. can't get proper help because that's like a "disability" and it's time-consuming. my cousin (bipolar, sui) tried but couldn't get proper therapy either. yeah he's alive and steadily getting better but it's never gone

gosh do family issues run in the family

mother + all her siblings got mommy issues

father got everyone issues ig 💀 I hate people with a short temper

as far as I can tell most of my cousins got both parents issues (1st / 2nd cousins)

are these feelings normal it feels like reality is being forced down my throat. I don't want to wake up and face the world anymore.

what are we chugging today

[darkfictionjude]

[Demonfused MC] Remake: The Dark Lady

After that call with Nia Irme and Nia plot their next move all the while looking at the grimoire and thinking what to do about the countess until the shadows in the room darken and see MC and Alejandra step out of them what catches their eye is the mysterious briefcase Alejandra is carrying and she sees they haven't opened the grimoire.

She speed walks towards them while grumbling about how they all ways have to do everything themselves and open it the moment they do the room changes completely and their in a massive library while Alejandra rushes at Nia and grabs her by the shoulders and tells her she understands her hesitation to interact with the supernatural but it will always find a way towards her no matter what I'm not letting you run that risk.

You will allways have protection against the supernatural wether she likes it or not but before Nia manages to tell her to Fuck off she spins around and yells at her I'm not letting what happened to my daughter happen to someone that looks like her! And she shatters the table with her hand.

Alejandra and her almost human like form shatters and her true form is revealed as a massive harpy like demon as tears run down her face and tells MC to show them what she wanted to show them before flying deeper into the library, MC tells them to come with them and they walk towards a work space and MC lets them know Alejandra's daughter had almost the same mental illness they have except her's was schizophrenia and had triggers but anyways she was warry of the supernatural and rejected her mothers offerings for protection and she respected her wish until one day she went missing.

She spent the entire day looking for her until she found her the Fay had used her as a toy by transforming her body into absolutely painful and monstrous forms doing what ever they wanted with her and then dumped her out of their place as if she was garbage when they where done with her.

She tried everything to get her back to normal but it didn't work and she made the extremely hard choice of putting her out of her misery but it didn't work they had made her immortal so she had to kill her in the most painfully slow way possible and that was by melting her body down, Those memories still haunt Alejandra aswell as her daughter's screams as she melted down as her body tried to keep up regenerating when she finally died Alejandra was a wreck but she had found out it was they fay and her revenge was brutal she murdered the fay circle aswell as any other fay in her territory.

(The ask) How would Nia and Irme react to this information and MC opening the grimoire where it goes into extreme detail as to what happened and lead to MC fusing with a demon.

This is so much 😭 like this is just the Alejandra show 😭 I can’t really answer much about her because she’s an unknown character to me nothing to do with the story 💀

You see the more you push Nia the more she digs her heels in, if she can get a restraining order against Alejandra she would. Imre feels slightly bad but he’s just there to see the grimoire

[hyenahunt]

Obbligato: The Devotion to Tatsumi Kazehaya - 10

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring, three years ago

Characters: Kaname, Tatsumi, Jun

Proofreading: Remi + 310mc (JP) & honeyspades (ENG)

Translation: Peace & hyenahunt

Kaname: ... So that's how it is. Then— things should be changed around here. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy.

Location: Catacombs

Kaname: I don't care about money or school! Tatsumi-senpai, I came here to ask you this: what is the secret to your success!

Tatsumi: Have patience, dear guest. Listen well until the very end and you shall understand.

Bear with me once more, as I'd like to confirm once more that the two of you know of the current state the idol industry is in.

Jun: Yeah, come to think of it~ Something like how it's coming to an end, or there's no hope for it left.

Tatsumi: It hasn't tipped over just yet, but we certainly are reaching the end of things.

Therefore, one must be able to bring something worthy to the industry if they wish to succeed.

It seems as if even those who do manage to debut officially by chance or ability struggle to find work and make ends meet in the end.

Not even the privileged class, our Special Students that act as if they rule Reimei Academy, are exempt from such a fate.

Struggling to keep their heads above water, they find themselves displeased with the prospect of their future and—

Jun: So that's why they're taking their stress out on us Non-Special Students, huh~? Just 'cause they're suffering, we deserve to suffer too?

Literally fuck that shit. No matter what reason they have, anyone who hits someone else is absolute scum. They're just forcing their own pain and misery onto others.

Tatsumi: Correct. That is why I won't ask you to forgive those Special Students.

I merely ask that you understand that carelessly taking your revenge out on each one you see is all for naught.

They, too, are victims of the times. Though as stated before, I would never ask you to pardon their actions...

Kaname: You act as if it's someone else's problem, Tatsumi-senpai, but aren't you a Special Student as well?

Tatsumi: I am. That is why I understand how they feel. They too are suffering in this world, simply in their own way.

This Hell, filled with unheard cries for help as the dead consume the dead...

I want to change these circumstances, if only by a little.

Kaname: ... So that's how it is. Then— things should be changed around here. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy.

Jun: Woah, what a surprise you'd actually agree. Considering what you're like, I thought you'd say something more like, "Hmph, who on earth would even care about that. Nothing else matters as long as I'm happy."

Kaname: Cease that irritating mockery of me.

... And don't get the wrong idea, Sazanami. I won't find happiness with the industry in such a state once I debut, you see?

Kaname: That is the problem. I want to be happy.

Tatsumi: My, I'm quite caught by your words. Please, do continue, I'd like to hear more.

Kaname: Honestly, how many times do I need to ask before you understand? I want to know your secret to success.

Tatsumi: Hm... Well, it's rather a situation of which came first: the chicken or the egg?

Kaname: Quit talking in riddles and tell me already.

Tatsumi: I was hoping it'd make things easier to understand... Putting that aside, I'd only consider myself reasonably successful as an idol.

Jun: You're not just reasonably successful — just by lookin' at your earnings you're obviously the top idol in all of Reimei Academy, yeah?

If anything, you've even trounced the idols of Yumenosaki and Shuuetsu and have the reputation of being the absolute best among all active student idols, y'know.

Kaname: That's right, and that's why I want to know how you managed such a feat.

Tatsumi: Well... I don't know if I could call it any sort of secret or trick, really. In fact, earning money was the furthest thing from my mind when I first began working as an idol.

Though... frankly speaking, it was inevitable that I would become an idol due to my own peculiar upbringing. [1]

Jun: Whaddya mean by that...? It sounds kinda shady, actually...

Tatsumi: I don't want to say much on it, really, as I fear it may be somewhat scandalous... but in truth, my family are secret Christians — those forced to hide their faith behind another. [2]

Jun: Secret... what?

Tatsumi: To make a rather long story short, my family makes their livelihood through a church which is unrecognized by the public as a whole, and I act as something like a pastor there.

The age of religious repression has passed, but some dangerous cults have risen with the end of it; due to the problems they tend to cause, I've hesitated to speak of my own faith.

Generally speaking, though, "religion" tends to have a bad connotation in this country.

Jun: That may be the case, but no offense — it really sounds kinda suspicious.

Tatsumi: I cannot stop you from thinking so. That's simply how the era is these days; one would say it's common sense, even.

Nonetheless... As unfortunate as it is, the household I was raised in runs against the grain of this world's "common sense". And, despite that, I... We must still do what we can to live.

That is why we are creating our own places in this world.

By becoming things popular with the public, such as idols and the like, we will gain credibility with them and be less likely to be faced with discrimination or prejudice.

Or, at the very least, we're aiming to create a space where we can breathe a little easier, where we are not ostracized simply for revealing who we are or what we believe in.

Tatsumi: It was for this reason that I sought to become an idol. It’s why I started on this path.

For if we lack the public's trust, their love, then we'll be suffocated by the steadfast belief that "all religious people are shady.”

✦✦✦✦✦

These lines were changed in an update. The original was: Actually, you and I are rather alike in that regard, Jun-san. Half of the reason I aimed to become an idol was due to some familial circumstances. その点では、ジュンさんに似ているかもしれませんね。実はちょっとした家庭の事情によって、俺はアイドルを目指すことを半ば強制されたんですよ

"Kakure Kirishitans" refer to a religious group in Japan that follow the Catholic teachings brought to them by overseas visitors up to the Edo Period in the 17th century. It was at this time they came known as such formally, due to hiding their faith away using various means such as disguising statues of Mother Mary as the Buddhist deity Kannon (Avalokiteśvara) and adapting their prayers to sound like chants from the same religion. Once the ban was lifted in Japan, they became known as Mukashi Kirishitans ("ancient" Christians) and many rejoined the Catholic Church after renouncing the practices they had used to hide their faith. Those who did not were refered to as Hanare Kirishitans ("separated" Christians), though they are not as populous. Christal Whelan did a documentary on a few of them back in the 1990s titled Otaiya. Additionally, it has been said that Kakure Kirishitans are a separate faith from the Catholicism brought over to them by the missionaires in the 1500s due to the differences in each, most likely due to the historical prejudice that caused it to evolve in an unorthodox way. As such, it cannot be compared to the western Catholicism we are familiar with today.

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

[lucifersresources]

pale waves // unwanted rp lyrics meme.

edit/alter/change pronouns etc as you see fit!  

lies.

you called it love but it never had that feeling.

you ripped out my heart.

do you feel happier yet?

do you say some things you regret?

i'm feeling better alone.

you messed me up.

can't take those stabs in the back.

i'm in over my head.

i'm so over you.

all your lies, they just caught up with you.

i'll forgive but i won't forget.

we all make mistakes but yours, i just can't shake.

unwanted.

you're so good at making me feel like nothing.

you're so good at making me feel unwanted.

my distorted view on us is starting to get too much.

you don't love anybody.

your silence fills the air.

why did you keep me hanging on?

i'd never fit your perfect life.

i'm nothing but a goodbye.

the hard way.

i could tell you were good at hiding your pain.

i saw your heartache.

i stayed away.

i didn't protect you.

i just assumed that you were okay.

i learnt the hard way.

you left us too soon.

they took all your power.

it's haunting me.

why does someone have to lose?

jealousy.

jealousy is haunting me.

so bad at biting my tongue.

wish you were mine.

don't mention any other name that doesn't sound like mine.

i'll never be replaced.

i satisfy.

i won't pretend and i won't apologise.

i gotta have you to myself.

why would i want anybody else?

you think i care at all?

you know you infect my soul.

i can't change your past.

alone.

i've heard a lot of things, you and your reputation.

it's the furthest thing from love.

go to hell.

i'd rather spend my entire lifetime alone.

you'd be an ultimate waste of time.

i feel your desperation.

will somebody put me out of my misery.

you've already come undone.

clean.

you're underneath my skin.

show me what i've been missing all of this time.

i just can't get enough.

you're the one drug that i don't want to get clean from.

is it too soon to say that i'm falling?

i can't get off of you.

i'm hooked.

i don't really care if it's my fault.

without you.

it's no fun to stay the same.

you get hurt, then you learn.

feels like a piece of me is missing.

i don't know how i'm supposed to feel.

you're not here anymore.

i'll learn to carry on without you.

all i have is these memories to get me through the night.

i fought my best but never won.

i tried to make you stay.

was there something i didn't say?

i survived somehow.

only problem.

you can call me naïve for hoping you would fix me.

i'm foolish to believe you could pick up the pieces.

there's nothing left.

maybe you're the only problem.

it's time to let you go.

i can't help but to think of you now.

every bad thing i would do, it was always with you.

the problem wasn't me, it was you.

you're so vain.

i'm gonna bring you down.

i've tried my best to bite my tongue.

i've listened to your shit for far too long.

you'll get what you deserve.

if you could, you'd go and marry yourself.

you're so vain.

when you open up your narcissistic mouth, all you do is let me down.

you think you're always right.

you think that you're perfect.

putting up with you was never ever worth it.

you're blinded by your own vanity.

reasons to live.

i'm gonna stay this way.

i hit rock bottom.

you picked me up when i was down on the floor.

you showed me how to love myself a little more.

how am i supposed to breathe when i feel this fucking weak?

you are the medicine to get me by.

you are the therapy to ease my mind.

you catch me every time.

numb.

i don't think i'm going anywhere.

i'm too numb to even care at all.

happiness is something i can't find.

there's gotta be something more than this.

i can't even run away.

act my age.

when did everything start falling apart?

where did all the time go?

thought those times would last forever.

better get my shit together now.

wish you were still around.

memories fade.

guess i'd better act my age.

nothing's making sense.

they say that youth is wasted on the young.

so sick (of missing you).

i'm so sick of missing you.

i don't know how we lost control.

you gave up on us.

without water, the flowers don't grow.

you didn't even notice me.

didn't know that you could be so fucking cruel to me.

it's not surprise that you just don't care.

you were never mine.

i tell myself that i'm getting better without you.

loving you is something that i don't wanna do.

[fingertipsmp3]

Fuck it I’m catatonically bored and I can’t justify starting to make dinner at fucking 3:52PM so I’m going to rate every Stephen King book I’ve read out of 5 stars. If the readmore doesn’t work I can only apologise

Carrie: genuinely iconic although I do think the concept is better than the execution. 3.5

‘Salem’s Lot: immaculate, literally got me into horror, I will always have a soft spot for it. 5

The Shining: iconic. Better than the movie. Argue with the wall. 5

The Stand: really really ridiculously long but I swear to you EVERY PAGE is necessary. 5, would give higher if I could

The Dead Zone: I read this when I was like 19 and I can’t remember much other than that I liked it but it made me sad. 4, marked down because of the scene with the dog

Firestarter: looooved this. 5

Pet Sematary: the first time I read this (when I was 17) it scared me so much it kept me up all night and the second time I read it (when I was 27) it gave me night terrors. 4, marked down because it is lowkey stupid I have to admit

Cycle of the Werewolf: I’m sorry but it is kind of boring. Great illustrations though. 2

It: THE scariest book I have read, haunts me in my dreams, put me through every emotion known to humankind. Sad and gross. 5

Misery: damn near a perfect thriller novel tbh. 4.5

Dolores Claiborne: I remember liking the stream of consciousness style but also thinking “Jesus Christ can we get to the point please���. 3

Insomnia: the first third of this book is fucking wonderful. The second two thirds are a hot mess and should’ve been edited significantly more. 3

The Green Mile: the story is so so good I feel like it came to SK through divine wisdom or something but I am SO sorry, I prefer the movie. I just think it made the dialogue so much more compelling and the changes made were an improvement. Still, 5

11/22/63: one of my favourite pieces of time travel media ever, I think about this book constantly. 5 (6 if I could)

Doctor Sleep: unpopular opinion but I genuinely like it I’m fucking sorry. Like it’s definitely not good but if you don’t look at it as a Shining sequel and you’re entertained by villains with stupid names it’s fun. 3.5

Mr Mercedes: fun and tense, although why SK had to write Jerome Like That I will never understand. 3.5

Finders Keepers: honestly I found this to be just okay. 2.5

End of Watch: a pretty good end to the trilogy tbh although I nearly cried at the epilogue for my own reasons. 4

Sleeping Beauties: another unpopular opinion but I liked parts of this, but I wish SK would learn how to write women… honestly I just wish this book had been written by a woman or someone who understands women. 2.5

The Outsider: if this had been edited significantly fucking better to keep SK from yapping on and on it would’ve been an absolutely brilliant supernatural thriller, but it is in fact 200 pages longer than it needs to be. 2

The Institute: SK should stop writing about women and instead write about kids. 4

Fairy Tale: maybe this was good or maybe I am just a sucker for ‘boy and his dog’ type stories. 4.5

Different Seasons: Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption & The Body are easy 5 stars, Apt Pupil is like a 3.5 because the constant gratuitous violence is just not for me, The Breathing Method was boring and a 2 at best

Four Past Midnight: honestly I liked all of these novellas. The Langoliers was my favourite and I was kind of sad to find out that’s not a popular opinion. 4 overall

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: stupidly good. Like it’s hard to list my favourite stories because there are too many of them. The Ten O’Clock People, The House on Maple Street and Popsy would have to be my top 3. 5 overall

Full Dark, No Stars: messy but good. 1922 is my favourite overall. 4

The Bazaar of Bad Dreams: think I gave this 4 stars on storygraph but honestly it probably deserves more like 3. Top 3 were Ur, Obits & Bad Little Kid but I also have a soft spot for Drunken Fireworks

If It Bleeds: ughhhhhh I’m sorry but I was epically bored reading most of this. The Life of Chuck was good once it came together and Mr Harrigan’s Phone had a decent payoff, but the title novella had basically the same problems and plot as The Outsider, and Rat just felt pointless to me. 2

[farmerlarrry]

Orange Slices (Joel Miller x f!reader)

masterlist | chapter three | chapter two | read on ao3 | playlist

story summary: A story about finding companionship and love in the midst of chaos.

a/n: **updated for mistakes**

word count: 4234

if you want to be notified when I post new chapters, follow @farmerlarrrylibrary and put on notifications! If you'd rather be tagged, just let me know.

Chapter Four

The nights aren’t as cold as they once were. There is still a coolness in the air that will send a chill down your spine, making you want to grasp at anything that will make you warm. However, nothing is worse than those below-freezing nights in the middle of winter, curled up in a fetal position, praying to whatever higher power, let it be God or Mother Nature, to put you out of your misery. As you sit on the floor in the far corner of the cabin, you begin to wonder how the winters are in Jackson. Thinking back to this past winter, you have no idea how you pulled through; usually, everyone was huddled in one big group, taking whatever spare jacket someone was willing to lend you and sipping on whatever liquor was available, hoping it would warm everyone up or at least numb their senses to the point where they couldn’t coherently think about how cold they were. You’re happy that it'll be something you won't have to worry about by the time winter comes around again. You knew snow was a given, but you wondered if there was heating in the homes, like before the world as you knew it ended. Honestly, a fireplace would be good enough for you, even just a thick blanket. Even after Tommy told you all the details about Jackson, you still weren’t sure what to expect. As a way to distract yourself from the current awkwardness that ensued between you, Joel, and Tommy, you let your imagination run wild, coming up with the most out-of-touch thoughts and ideas. You try thinking of things that were considered luxuries in the past, imagining them in Jackson, however, even that wasn't enough to fully distract you.

When you came inside earlier, Joel demanded to talk to Tommy in the only spare room this place offered. Even though the door was closed, you could clearly hear everything that was being said, to say the least, Joel was not happy with Tommy for bringing you back. How stupid could you have been, you should have kept moving, we could have been back by now, Tommy. You’re always trying to play the hero, you can’t save everyone you come across. Tommy stuck up for you though, it’s too late, Joel, this is nonnegotiable, I’m putting my foot down this time, you aren’t in charge of the decisions I make, and so on. They start talking quieter as the conversation drags on, even though it’s dead silent around you, you still have to strain your hearing to pick up anything that's being said. She was alone, low on supplies, had almost no ammunition, and her knife sure as hell wouldn’t have saved her, do you really think I was gonna watch her potentially die? I was just as involved in the situation as she was. You take your knife out of your bag, running your finger carefully along the blade—the one Tommy had sharpened for you willingly. What you call a fucking miracle, Tommy, is what I call stupidy, and it’s definitely not badass. Joel mocked Tommy for what he said early, making you feel awfully small. It only stung because you knew it was true, you weren’t badass, you were only one unfortunate case of ‘wrong place, wrong time’ away from being dead, but what other choice was there? It’s not like you willingly chose to go out on your own again with such little supplies to rely on. Tears brim your eyes as you kick the side of your foot on the wall next to you, trying to shake the feeling that crept up your throat. Maybe things would have been better if Joel wasn't here, and it was still just Tommy and me, you thought, feeling guilty about your wish. Sure, it would have sucked having to walk back to Jackson, you weren’t sure if you would've made it given the state of your blistered, swollen feet, and Tommy’s leg, but this situation with Joel genuinely sucks even more. 

Huddled in the corner, you look up at the night sky out of the broken window in the front of the house. Just as the night you met Tommy, the stars were shining brighter than usual. Turning to your bag, you pull out a small constellation pocket guidebook you snatched from one of the rest stops along the side of the hallway. When you first spotted it, you knew you had to take it with you. Besides, it really didn’t take up that much space in your bag, if you really needed to, it would have easily fit into one of the back pockets of your jeans. It was a small piece of your past, one that didn’t necessarily make your heart ache, and one you didn't want to abandon. You open up to the index page of the book, running your pointer finger down the page, quickly reading what each section has to offer. You look back out the window, dad would have loved looking at the stars now, there's no light pollution, and everything is so clear now. Thinking about it now, you can’t believe it took you this long to notice, the night you met Tommy, the night that finally opened your eyes to the possibility that you could actually start living instead of just surviving. 

You jump as the door makes a scraping noise against one of the lifted wooden floor planks, quickly averting your eyes in the opposite direction of the room. Joel comes barreling out of the room, anger radiating off of him. Every step he takes makes a loud thud and shakes the floor. He aggressively grabs the whiskey bottle and a small glass off the small kitchen countertop before taking a seat at the round dining table that was in the opposite corner of where you were, slamming the glass down. He filled it to the top of the glass, keeping his eyes fixated on the surface of the table, picking at the grains of wood with his free hand. You watch the rapid rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. A sense of anxiety washes over you. 

After some time, Tommy comes out of the room and limps his way over to the kitchen counter, where he placed the canned food earlier. A thick sense of tension quickly fills the room. Tommy begins opening the cans of food, splitting them into three different bowls, and mixing the green beans and the stew together. Your stomach lets out a small growl, causing you to cross your arms over your rib cage, lightly applying pressure to soothe the ache. God, I’m so hungry. You turn your attention back towards the kitchen when Joel stirs up some sort of commotion, refusing the food from Tommy, which makes the air even thicker. You watch as Tommy rolls his eyes, letting the bowl drop on the table, the liquid of the stew splattering up and landing on the table. This did not help the situation at all, Joel then swiped the bowl off the table with his arm. You’re fucking ruthless, Tommy spat as he picked it up off the floor, scraping the food back into the bowl. 

“I’m so sorry,” Tommy whispers, handing you your portion of the food. You don’t respond, but you do give him a sympathetic smile and nod. It’s not Tommy’s fault, and you don’t blame him by any means. Although, with how Joel is acting over your arrival, it's making you feel like you're a burden. 

“Hey Tommy,” you say quietly as he begins to turn away. “Do you need help with cleaning and dressing your leg, you never got the chance when we got back, and it should probably be taken care of, so it doesn’t get infected.”

He lets out a small chuckle.

“Haven’t even had time to think about that, honestly,” He looked over his shoulder towards Joel, letting out a quiet sigh. “But, uh, I can do it myself, just worry about getting some food in ya’”

“No, no , it’s the least I can do, I can eat afterward.” You rise to your feet, pulling Tommy’s arm around your shoulders, and walk him over to the worn-out red couch that sits in the middle of the room. Tommy points you towards his bag that was next to the front door on the ground, telling you where you could find the first aid supplies. Now getting a better look, the large gash in his shin looked quite painful, as it was now swollen and red. Cleaning it is going to be a bitch on Tommy.

“This is gonna hurt,” You peer up at him, preparing him for the pain as you drench a linen cloth with alcohol, Tommy simply nods in response. The state of the wound was causing you to feel slightly woozy. “Um, so, how’d you find this place, Tommy?”

You couldn’t really think of anything else to talk about to distract him from the pain, you thought maybe you could ask him more about his girlfriend, as that seemed to be something that made him happy, however, maybe it was too personal. You settled on asking about the cabin. You begin to dab his wound with the cloth, his leg twitches and tightens up as you come into contact.

“Well, uh, oh fuck,” He is gripping onto the cushion of the couch, from this angle, you can see Joel curiously watching from behind, obviously concerned for his brother. Tommy has his eyes screwed shut as he shortly recounts the history behind the cabin through gritted teeth.

Tommy found this place after he left the Fireflies, but before he reached Jackson. He said it seemed like it hadn’t been touched since the outbreak, so he decided to stay for a bit. After he reached Jackson, he used this as a resting point on longer journeys, like when he would scavenge and make trades in the early years of the community while it was still under development. Funny enough, this is where Joel and I found each other again, I guess we think more alike than we’d admit, he laughed, turning his head off to the side towards Joel, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. Tommy was coming back from a deal when he noticed boot prints in the mud, it had rained the night before, and he had been shot at through the front window, hence the reason why it was broken. Long story short, the fight turned physical once they both ran out of ammunition, neither of them realized who the other was because daylight had already long faded. He put me in a headlock, about to choke my sorry ass, I was muttering ‘you motherfucker’ over and over under my breath, trying to get away. I guess in his fit of rage, he heard the familiarity in my voice and immediately dropped his arm, practically crying, “Tommy, Tommy?” Isn’t that right, Joel-y? It was dark, but I knew there were tears in your eyes. Joel groaned in protest, not saying anything in response, just pouring himself another glass. By the time he finished recounting the details, you were done wrapping up his leg with clean bandages.

After returning to your spot to start eating, leaving Tommy on the couch, you can’t help but stare at Joel. The lighting is casting a dark shadow over the corner you’re situated in, you doubt he would even be able to tell, not like he would care anyway. The moon was shining at just the right angle to illuminate where Joel is sitting, and this time you’re able to look more intently at his features than when you first saw him. Your breathing becomes shallow as you trace your eyes over his face, then his body. His hair is mostly dark, a little bit of gray has started to come through on the sides; his facial hair is slightly patchy, with a bit of gray peppered throughout, it looks like he trims it regularly. In the light, his eyes appear to be dark, the opposite of Tommy’s obvious green eyes; however, they have the exact same smile lines. His mouth is currently twisted, and slightly puckered. They look soft. Moving your eyes further down, he has broad shoulders, the flannel that he currently has on is tight against his arms, and when he moves, the buttons across his chest area strain. 

Look away , an unfamiliar voice in your head suddenly appears. You immediately look away, your breathing is still off. 

You look down at your bowl of food, flipping a piece of potato over with your spoon. Although your stomach aches, you’re no longer hungry. 

For the rest of the night, everyone keeps their distance. You, in the corner, Joel at the table, and Tommy on the sofa couch. No one says anything, all averting gazes from one another, well, besides you. Every once in a while, you steal glances of Joel. Watching him sit at the table, his microexpressions seem to change with every new glance. The stone coldness of his face, the pain behind his eyes, the way he sucks his teeth after every single sip from his glass. As he turns his head away from both you and Tommy, you strain your eyes a little harder and notice a scar just above his temple. Your hand shoots up to your own temple, you have one in the exact same spot. As you continue watching him, you rub your index finger over the scar, feeling the uneven ridges it left even after all these years. Sadness sinks deep within your soul, making your chest feel heavy. Tilting your head back and resting your head against the wall, you look up at the dark ceiling, trying not to think about anything in particular.

-

A loud snore draws you out of your sleep, causing your body to revolt, and you bang the back of your head against the wall. Bringing your hand up to your head, you rub over the sore spot, wincing as you look around the room. You realize the noise came from Tommy as he let out a softer snore, he’s asleep on the couch, body sprawled out, head tilted back, mouth slightly agape. Another loud snore. Maybe that’s what alerted the people on the highway that night, you think.

Joel is still at the table, it looks like he hasn’t moved since before you fell asleep. The once-full bottle is now considerably drained—not quite empty, but almost there. To the left of it stood a brand new, full bottle. He suddenly turned his attention to you, locking eyes, causing you to let out a small gasp before dropping your attention toward the floor.

“So, darlin',” He says, slurring his words together. You look up through your brows and watch him as he rocks his body toward the table. Your heart feels like it’s in the middle of your throat. “You just gonna sit there all nigh’ and stare at me?”

You couldn’t gather your thoughts and began to stammer. Joel is quite drunk based on the way he’s speaking to you, his tone is a lot more at ease than it had been earlier, throwing you off. You watch him as he gets up and stumbles towards the counter, retrieving another glass that matches the one he’s drinking from. 

“C’mon up here and join me,” He says monotonously, still slurring the tiniest bit, his southern twang is a lot more prominent than before. Joel pushes the sleeves of his flannel up towards his elbows before filling the empty glass half-full. You’re still sitting on the ground, watching him struggle to recap the bottle. When he finally gives up, he flicks it up into the air with his thumb and index finger, and it lands on the ground, rolling across the floor before stopping in front of your feet. ‘Shits gonna be gone by mornin’’ Joel barely audibly mumbled.

Slowly getting up on your feet, you tuck your belongings snugly into the corner you were just sitting in and glance over once more at Tommy, who is dead asleep. Joel is watching you intensely as you make your way towards the table, his consistent attention makes your stomach twist and turn. It must have been obvious because his expressionless face quickly turns into a smirk. He slides the glass to you as you take a seat in the chair next to him, your posture is stiff. Joel is still eyeing you with a hungry look in his eye, as he leans back in his chair, relaxing. You have no idea where to look. 

“What?” He playfully asks with a cunning look. “You can sit in the corner all night, for hours staring, but now... now you can’t even look at me?”

Running your fingernail along the grains of wood, you shyly look up, making direct eye contact with Joel. His hazel eyes look at you with a hard intensity, and you feel like all the air has been sucked out of your lungs, an electric jolt runs down your spine, causing your body to slightly twitch. A playful look dances across his face. 

God, I want to wipe that smug fucking look off his face, you bite down hard on your bottom lip. 

You roll your eyes, using the palms of your hands to push yourself up from the chair, it makes a loud screeching noise as the legs drag against the wooden floor. Joel quickly grabs one of your wrists—not painfully tight, but definitely firm. You can feel his calloused hands rub against your skin. The sensation causes you to choke on the air you quickly drew in. 

“Where do you think you’re going, sweetheart? Can’t let good whiskey go to waste.” He pulls you towards him, kicking the chair you were just in a little further out. As you sit, Joel pushes the glass towards you again. 

Your heart flutters when the word sweetheart rolls off his tongue. You close your eyes before taking a deep breath, clasping your hand around your wrist where he had previously been holding it.

You are so fucked, the same small voice from earlier chimed in. 

The two of you sat in silence for a long time. Joel downed two more half-glasses by the time you finished your one. He’s becoming more and more drunk, you’ve had to catch his glass from being knocked over more than once now. Every once in a while he’ll glance up to look at you, looking like he’s about to speak, before looking off into the distance again, sucking on his teeth. The longer you sit there, the hotter your face feels, you feel uneasy, and your stomach is still in a knot. 

You go to pour a few sips worth of whiskey in your glass when Joel reaches across with one of his hands and tips the bottle forward, filling your glass with a lot more than you want.

“Hey, no,” you gasp, before looking up at him in disbelief. “I didn’t want that much.”

“Drink up,” Joel smiles, raising his glass into the air. “Got a whole bottle and no cap, so between the two of us...”

“The cap is literally over there, you fucking... ” You say in a condescending tone, narrowing your eyes at him while gesturing towards it.

“ You fucking what? Cap don’t exist to me,” He says in a low, whispered tone before taking another sip. 

Now annoyed, you take a longer sip from your glass. The whiskey is sharp as it meets your tongue, but smooth as it goes down. The taste is horrible, it tastes like straight-up rubbing alcohol and smoked wood chips, your face twists in disgust as you force another sip down. You barely finished your first glass, whatever was in this new bottle is much stronger. 

“You not a whiskey kind of gal, huh?” He let out a gentle laugh before throwing back his head and polishing off what was left of his. 

“Not really an alcohol person,” you respond quietly in a bitter tone, he gives you a skeptical glare and a sense of anxiety overcomes you.

You don’t owe him an explanation, the voice said. But the way he was staring at you made you fold. 

“I had a really bad night at a party before... before this,” You cringe, running your finger around the rip of the glass, “Alcohol has never really sat well in my stomach since then.”

Joel raises his eyebrows and gives you a single nod, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the edge of the table.

“So you were a party girl?” He says neutrally, pointing at you in an accusatory way. 

“Well, no, I-” Stuttering again, Joel cuts you off. 

“Tommy was a partier, he loved to party, had to come to get him a lot, had to get ’im from jail sometimes. I couldn’t, I was always too busy taking care of- '' He abruptly stops talking, his expression going stone-cold again, and balls his hands into fists before lightly hitting them against the wooden surface. “Forget it.”

He said the last bit much quieter, with a hint of pain. You sigh, looking around the room with your hands folded in your lap. The two of you go back to being silent. Joel completely ditches his glass, now drinking straight from the bottle. Quickly, he has become belligerently drunk, nearly unconscious, laying his arm straight out on the table and resting his head against his bicep. Every once in a while, he would mumble something unintelligible under his breath, causing you to roll your eyes more than once.

You’re resting your chin in the palm of your hand, starting to close your heavy eyes. A sudden snort coming from your side makes you jump.

“Joel,” You poke at his arm and only receive a small grunt in response. Your annoyance from earlier has now turned into pity. People who haven’t gone through some seriously fucked-up shit don’t down alcohol the way he is tonight. I should at least try to get him to the bedroom, that’s what a good person would do, right? Or should I just take the bed all to myself? You think to yourself, going back and forth between the two options, as you continue staring at Joel. Drool is running down his chin, sticking to his beard hair.

“ Joel,” you say a little louder, more firmly, nudging his arm again. Your shoulders round in defeat.

Getting up from your chair, you move it out of the way, so Joel won’t trip over it. Then came the hard part of actually getting him up, first looping your forearm under the arm furthest from you, then pulling up with most of your strength, he follows your lead. He’s not reacting to anything you’re doing, making it ten times harder. You can’t tell if he is doing this on purpose, or just so fucked up that he can’t do anything. Joel stumbles as the two of you walk, tripping over his own feet, almost causing the both of you to tumble to the ground. Could you be any more helpless, you spit out in a harsh tone. You never understood what people meant when they’d say something about carrying dead weight, but now you do, and this is not an easy task. 

You finally make it past the door frame with him still leaning on you for full support, and for a split second you think about just letting him drop to the floor, but the bed was only a few more steps away, and a part of you thought that maybe, just maybe, Joel would figure out you were the one who got him there, and he’d ease up on this asshole act towards you. As you go to push off the wall to keep moving, Joel suddenly comes out of whatever daze he was in, pinning you up against the door with incredible force, his forearm pressed firmly against your throat. You feel your eyes shoot wide open, and when you go to speak, you can’t get any sound to come out. You motherfucker, anger fills every crevice of your body. You begin to reach for your knife, forgetting it's in the main room, lying next to your bag. Shit. 

Joel traces his eyes over your face, eventually easing the pressure against your throat, though he still keeps you in place. You are gripping his forearm tight with both of your hands, pushing as hard as you can, struggling as you try to get him off of you. The distinct smell of alcohol overwhelms your senses as he leans in close to your face, leaving less than an inch between the two of you. Your heart is now beating faster than you think it has ever beaten, and the thumping sound fills your ears. You let your arms fall to the side of your body, turning your head to create more space between the two of you. Joel is breathing slow, shallow breaths, and smirking.

“Now what do you think you’re doing, darlin’,” He leans in and whispers into your ear, you can feel his breath on your neck, causing goosebumps to appear all over your body. “Tryna get me into bed with you?”

read chapter five here!

painting divider | credit: @cottage-writings

[zmediaoutlet]

happy wincest wednesday!! if you could sort your own wincest fics by kudos which 5 (or 10) would be at the top?

happy wincest wednesday! (sorry i did not send an ask today ;-; -- thank you for keeping up the high fives anyway <3)

Um... hm. I guess this is effectively an 'author's favorites' list, although you could split some semantic hairs here and have it be which fics do you wish were most appreciated, which doesn't necessarily overlap with my own favorites. Tricky. Esp since my own taste (even for my own writing) changes so much, lol. But I can try!

oh so good, oh so fine -- this is my actual top by kudos and tbh it probably deserves to be there. plus the act of writing it was fun and it feels kind of... right, to me, that it's the top.

how badly i have let you down -- also pretty high up in fact, but I actually really like how it comes together as a destabilizing first time, especially since I don't actually like writing first time. Plus, like oh so good, it was written all in one sitting, and I just… often like the fics better when they're one quick shot from the hindbrain like that.

detente -- soulless!Sam/Dean, but it's really more about... Dean scraped down to misery entire, and a Sam who could give a shit but will take advantage if it's convenient. A lot grimier and grittier than I usually write spn, but it worked here.

freud's for suckers -- the early relationship here is just so fuckin cute. Written after I read Less, and if you've read that you could probably tell. This feels like a very Me version of a Dean POV.

eiderdown -- this is just frankly hot as fuck. A Sam who knows what he wants and will get it and isn't shy about it -- also very Z.

asceticism -- The Piss Fic, but more importantly the whole dissection of Dean's relationship to his body feels. idk, correct. Almost wish I hadn't tagged it correctly so people would read it for the part that actually matters, yanno.

the hollow summer -- sad, sad, sad. Whenever I write an AU it will nigh-inevitably be worse than canon. I put some real-life grieving in here and the writing's... honest. I really love the part where Dean beats the shit out of Sam (or tries to, at least).

buccaneer -- I know this is Dean/Crowley (and in fact Deanna/Crowley) on the face of it, but what it really is is the echo-shape of Dean(na)'s overwhelming, overarching need for Sam, felt in the absence of what's been cored out. Plus Deanna's sexy.

be subject to each other -- a rare sequel, but the established relationship here and the intimacy of finding yet another layer of ways to be known just makes me warm on the inside.

In a Cursed Hour -- this is technically gencest-that's-going-to-turn-into-fullcest, and might be a weird inclusion here, but if kudos actually reflected the level of work that goes into a story rather than whether someone's dick got wet in the approved way, this would have about 9000. So. I'm including it, lol.

Turns out I have ~160 posted spn fics, and one way or another they're all wincest (even the ones that have another pairing entirely -- that's how wincest the wincest is). So, picking ten of those. No links -- if anyone wants to read one they know how google works -- but this was actually kinda fun to think about, bud. Thanks <3

[thegeminisage]

tng update time!! we're back, baby. sunday we did "the masterpiece society" and "conundrum" and last night* we did "power play" and "ethics."

*by last night i mean earlier tonight, but i'm typing this at 1am and letting it post tomorrow

the masterpiece society: this one was okay. i was very endeared at first to this guy flirting RESPECFULLY with deanna after the ordeal of 3 rape scenes in one episode but then she shot him down and he kept flirting. WILL my misery never cease

that said, i like that picard was nice to her when she fessed up about fucking with him. i am so fond of saying "treat him really niceys" about data but perhaps we should also be treating DEANNA really niceys. instead of raping her repeatedly.

one hilarious detail i noticed about this episode was that they went out of their way to show us a lot of extras in this episode (sometimes we don't even get this many extras in ten forward scenes) and show us that the extras were. diverse. because if the society is "genetically engineered to perfection." and then you only show white people. THAT puts a whole new spin on things. i'm imagining some joker on the production team looking at a shot of mostly-white extras and frantically calling the casting director on the phone

i was EXTREMELY worried when they asked geordi to work with this woman but he was professional the whole time to my huge relief. actually, geordi had a little bit going on in this ep that i really enjoyed - when these "perfect" people kept implying he would have been aborted as a fetus in their society he gave as good as he got EVERY time and his blind ass DID in fact wind up saving all their lives and GOOD FOR HIM!

i dont really get what the big deal is about 23 people leaving = destroying their society. if you can't plann for people being out then it's your managerial skills that need work. also, they were kinda freaks, so maybe they needed to have their little cult broken up. sorry

conundrum: EPISODES FOR MEEEEE. this episode was just like tabula rasa, except this predates tabula rasa, so really tabula rasa is just like IT. anyway, amnesia. i was gleefully rubbing my hands together the entire time

hands down funniest bit was everyone just assuming worf is captain despite the fact that he's bloodthirsty and insane but the second funniest bit was data the bartender. "where's the android?" "serving drinks in ten forward." "[as data speed types] you must have been one hell of a bartender." 10/10 no notes

also his little chess game with deanna!! wah.

actually no the other funny bit was riker lowkey running around on deanna with ro. and i abslutely LOOOVED he and deanna being flirty with each other. it's ABOUT TIME we got some real food. it's been so sexless up til now that all she did was play with his hair a little and we both went bananas

and then the scene at the END? riker more flustered than we've EVER seen him and these two ladies ganging up on him...mwah. 10/10 perfect.

the villain this episode was good. when he first showed up cathy was like who tf is that and i was like idk some rando im sure he doesnt matter but then the computer named him first officer and it was like !!!!!!!!!!!! they tricked me !!! it's a VERY rare day when tng manages to trick me i was so pleased. i do kinda wish they hadn't theo teennwolfed him though (made everyone else a bit dumber to make him seem smart)

power play: deannna was so hot in this episode she should play male characters more often

i really REALLY wish i had been riker deanna and worf that had been possessed. data's not as much fun when he's someone else and not data. obrien could have come too if he wanted though i guess

PLEASE do not tell rosalind chao to shut her baby up. the last time someone told anyone to shut a baby up in a property she happened to be acting in. well. mash fans know. they know.

i genuinely believed those guys were ghosts until the last second. probably because prisoners makes no sense. also, i think prison for 500 years is too much. can we not just let them die

i love when possessed data tried to prove worf and worf was like lol no. he knows data is 10x stronger than him lmao

i wish guinan had been in this episode it's been ages and i miss her

after how tense and fun the beginning was the end and middle of this episode were kind of anticlimactic. still, it was fun and so it gets a pass. more people should get possessed on the enterprise

WHY DO I ONLY GET 4K CHARACTERS PER TEXT BLOCK staff i'll fucking kill you. anyway

ethics: RIKER/WORF/DEANNA IS REAL IT HAPPENED ON MY COMPUTER SCREEN!

ok, first of all, sorry i have to go ahead and get this out of the way before i get to the good stuff, picard advocating for assisted suicide is NNNOT his best look. in fact it's literally such a fucking bad look. actually. uhh tw for talk of suicide here on down

i understand what they were trying to do. they wanted to present both sides of the ethical dilemma here "equally." but there are some problems with this. firstly, in the real world, assisted suicide is for people with like. terminal illness. worf was fine. yes, he was paralyzed, but he was healthy and had the change to regain a great deal of his mobility. so picard already looks like an asshole because he's advocating for a disabled person killing themselves because they "can't" adjust to the loss.

SECONDLY, the use of "can't" was very poorly done here. if picard had said, worf is too stubborn to change his beliefs, he WON'T adjust to this because he will refuse to try, that would be a LOT BETTER than saying "worf CAN'T adjust to this, it's too many lifelong values to change."

and finally, if we really wanted to be "equal" about the debate, it wouldn't be about worf's ability or inability to adjust to being disabled, it would be about his BELIEFS. like his society and heritage, which he cherishes so deeply because he felt disconnected from it for so much of his life. instead picard was just like "worf is way too much of a pussy to do this just let him die lmao"

like he seriously tried to persuade will to KILL WORF. worse, to help worf kill himself!! JUST BECAUSE WORF WAS DISABLED. he even guilted riker about it: "he wouldn't have asked if he didn't know he could count on you." girl what the FUCK

ok anyway, speaking of will: his reaction here was so strong i wonder if he knew someone who'd killed themselves before. NOT that i'm complaining about a strong reaction. FINALLY we are getting some solid worf/riker Content. maybe asking your commanding officer to kill you is romance or whatever. i loved their argument to little bitty pieces. compare to: riker in tears next to deanna's sickbay bed. ooough i am eating. according to the wiki they actually cut a scene of nose-to-nose yelling and i'm mad about it. LET THEM PUT THEIR FACES TOGETHER. give me something to live for

deanna in this episode too. her kneeling by the fallen worf and murmuring "let me help you." her making him talk to his son. him BASICALLY asking her to be his kid's new adoptive parent should he kick it

oh speaking of alexander. he said some really troubling things this episode. such as, "my mom always said klingons had dumb ideas about honor" and "i don't care about being klingon." HIS MOTHER WAS RACIST..............if alexander decides the klingon ways aren't for him that's fine but that should be a choice HE GETS TO MAKE what an insane way to be raised. meanwhile people are out here calling worf a deadbeat and he put aside his suicide plan for alexander specifically

other shocking things about this episode: beverly was sooooo good actually. she was channeling bones energy in her fury and i mean that as the highest possible compliment. that other doctor quite literally KILLED A PATIENT because she's so sketchy and focused on her own glory "oh i need tokeep a professional detachment" YEAH SO YOU DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE. bones would have torn her limb for limb and i'm very glad beverly did too. i just don't understand why she was allowed to like leave the ship and go back to practicing medicine. she should have her medical liscene revoked. was this too also in the name of "both sides" of the debate girl this isn't fox news she KILLED A PATIENT for her own personal gain just space her ass!

the fake-out with worf dying was expected but them faking us out for so LONG was a surprise. i was like how are they gonna get him out of this one and it's literally the klingon anatomy. double of eeeeeverrrything. wow that sure is something. funny that worf has ridges on sooo many places. love that it took until season 5 to see it

also, that surgery scene was GROSS. im not normally squeamish but that little worm thingy they put into him looked awful

devastated there was no worf/riker reunuion at the end but other than that and picard and that other dr lady not getting fired it was extremely good. one of my favs so far i think actually.

tonight: "the outcast" and "cause and effect." i've started spoiling myself w/ episode summaries in order not to get surprised by 3 rape scenes in a row again and ik what both of these are about and im soooo excited for it