#I rambled a lot but god I hate mary and john | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

magdaclaire · 3 years ago

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call me whenever you’d like

a continuation of this, as ellenmissouri is still eating my frontal lobe

There's a lot of reasons to hate the hunter community, all said. So many lives lost that Ellen couldn't count them all if she tried, names she doesn't even remember anymore that have passed through the doors of The Roadhouse since her daddy opened it all that time ago. It's dangerous work, and a callous memory to be lost to, a cause with no great end. It can wear a person right through.

Any reason to hate it, at least the Campbells still let her know when Mary passes away.

The idea of not knowing is something that could have kept her up at night for years, waiting for Mary's one more phone call, waiting to know if she was okay, if she was even alive (she isn't, she isn't, Mary's dead, and Ellen can barely feel her hands), she's glad Mary's brother took care of things. Body already burnt like any hunter, at least Mary got a gravestone. God above, Mary's boys. What'll happen to Mary's boys? Sure enough, Mary's husband- John, Noah, something biblical- would take care of them, raise them how Mary would've, but no one could do anything quite like Mary could.

Even dead, Ellen can't let her be anything less than perfect in her head. A girl made of fireflies. A mother in flames.

Ellen's chest hurts, feels fit to burst, but there's more to be done than just grieve. There always is. She grabs the phone off the hook and twists her fingers in the chord, dialing a number so familiar she doesn't even look at where it's carved into the wall above the phone anymore. Well, that's almost true. Something nervous in her always checks the last two digits, doesn't trust her head more than her eyes however that may be, but she punches it in accurate and accepts the long distance cost.

"Hello Ellen Joleen," Missouri says as soon as she picks up the phone. Ellen smiles for the first time all day. Missouri never checks before she leaps right in.

"Hey Miz," she says, the familiarity smoothing in a little levity despite it all. Despite the occasion. She climbs onto the counter beside the phone jack and leans her head back against the cabinet.

"Hey sweetheart. How you holding up?"

"Not that well, as it happens. I've... got something to tell you," she says, her lips pressed together like an envelope closing up her sentence, the tension across her shoulders enough to make her clench her teeth.

"I- I know, Ellen," Missouri says, and Ellen's eyebrows crease. Oh no, not...

"Oh, Miz." There are times when she hates the lot that Missouri was served in life, even as much as Missouri has told her that she wouldn't rather it go to somebody else. She closes her eyes, bites her lip. Readies herself. She isn't ready.

"She was wearing a nightgown, El- our Mary! A nightgown! And she was trying to protect her baby, El, she didn't have any weapons on her or anything, Mary," Missouri rambles, her voice slowing out to accommodate the pace of her tears. Mary Campbell, known to have at least two guns and two knives besides, holy water coming off of her by the gallon, their Mary, died empty handed. Died protecting her child without anything to protect him with. A demon death nearly a decade after she had gotten out. Ellen catches her temple on the door handle of the cabinet, but strange enough, it doesn't feel like it matters much. And Missouri had to see that.

"Oh honey." Ellen means to say more, but Missouri. But Missouri.

"And there was no one to tell! Couldn't warn her civilian husband, couldn't call you, have you stuck in the same vicious waiting period I always am, just telling people that horrible things are going to happen and never being able to stop what I see. I saw her, Ellen. On that ceiling. On fire. Bleeding." Missouri's voice is thin, reedy, makes Ellen want to hold her fingers between her own, feel Missouri's heartbeat in her palms. Make sure she felt her there too.

"And you were alone with it. And I never want you to be again, alright? Missouri Rose, you call me if you see something you don't need to bear alone. You shouldn't have had to hold that by yourself, now. I'm here. Lean on me, darlin'," she requests, her face unconsciously tilted up, her socked feet knocking slightly against the wooden base of the counter. They don't have Mary any longer, so much as they even had Mary in the last few years at all. What she knows is that she's going to do whatever she can to make things easier for Missouri. Whatever Missouri will let her.

"And what? Call you every time I see something? Bother you every day with my most innocuous visions of what might happen, even if it's not important? I could waste a lot of your time like that," Missouri says, the purse of her mouth clear as day through the sound of her voice, and Ellen loves knowing someone so well. A few more phone calls from Missouri Moseley certainly wouldn't run amiss around here.

"If that's what it takes? Missouri, you can call me whenever you'd like. Day, night, in the small gray hours of the morning, doesn't matter much to me. I'm never gonna turn you away, okay? I'll always believe you. You know that, right?" she asks, making her voice a little harsher, rougher, her meanness coming out a little through her nose. It always gets her when they do this. Try to take everything on by themselves. Missouri and Mary used to do it both. Just because she doesn't get active in the hunting scene much anymore since her knee got blown out doesn't mean she can't do the work.

"I- Of course, El. Of course I know that. Believing me doesn't always mean you wanna hear every single vision, though, does it?" There's a sarcastic lilt to her voice, as if Ellen is doing something terribly naive again. She doesn't care. What's naivety in a world like this?

"Maybe I just think you deserve to be heard. To talk about it. I can help, Miz. Let me help," she requests, throwing it out as her last ditch effort into coaxing Missouri into allowing Ellen to help to carry some of the load. Missouri gives her a disapproving tut, only a little bit tinged by her sadness.

"Now, you're not playing fair, Ellen Joleen," she says, sniffling just a bit. What Ellen wouldn't give to hold her. To see her. They've only met in person twice, but Ellen doesn't think there's anything she wouldn't do for this girl. It's the least she deserves.

"Life hasn't been fair to you, Miz. I'm setting out on evening scores," Ellen says, her voice barely more than a whisper, the receiver pressed so hard against her jaw that it'll hurt if she keeps leaving it like this. Her good leg is pulled up on the counter with her, her bum knee left extended so it can get a little rest. There's hair coming out of her ponytail. She's not paying any mind to any of it.

"Eventually, I will see something that hurts you again," Missouri reminds her, her voice harder again. She's building her resolve to argue her way out of this again. Ellen frowns.

"And I won't blame you then, either, sweetheart, what are you worried about? What are you afraid of?"

"All of it, Ellen! I'm afraid of seeing more people die and I'm afraid of telling you about it. I'm afraid that I'll see so much death that one day it will suck every modicum of life out of me, and I'm afraid that one day, you'll notice that it's doing that too. I'm afraid that I will have this, I will have you, and then I won't, El. What if this is what makes you tired of the future? Tired of-"

"Tired of you?" Ellen asks, not wanting to let Missouri work herself to any more of a fit than she was already.

"Tired of me," Missouri confirms, steady and hollow. Scared, but sure.

"And what if I don't, Miz?"

"What if you don't?"

"What if I never get tired of you? What if I want you to share everything that fucks you up? What if I don't want you to be alone? What if I want to be the one that's with you? What if I never want us to stop calling each other and talking? What if I wanna know it all?"

"Then one day, I'll lose you too. You'll die, Ellen. And I'll see it. And I won't be able to stop it."

"So you never want to have me at all? Five, ten, twenty, hell, maybe thirty years of this, of us, we could have that, and you're willing to miss out because you don't wanna lose me? Miz, I'll die either way, baby. You'll die either way. You decide when the grief hits. We've already lost Mary," she says, and the wound is somewhere deep within her that might never heal, but different, maybe, then it wouldn't have been if they had been close in the years before Mary's death. Mary had called her every now and again, of course, but not nearly so often as Missouri has in the last years. There's a metallic sound on the other side of the line.

"You're not pulling any punches today, my dear," Missouri says, and Ellen can hear her pull on a cigarette. Missouri smokes inside often enough Ellen could recognize the sound anywhere. She hits her head back against the cabinet again.

"I'm trying to convince you to let me help take care of you. In what world would this be the battle I chose to begin pulling my punches during, babe?" she asks, wishing a little bit that she had a cigarette of her own, but she's trying not to smoke inside anymore. At least not in the kitchen. Makes the food taste weird.

"I am ill equipped for logic right now, Ellen, dear. Perhaps try again next time." Ellen raises a brow.

"So you will be calling next time then?" she drills in, unable to let it go when she knows that her friend, her Missouri, is hurting. She can't let her keep thinking it's alright that she does it alone.

"Well, I would hate to disappoint, wouldn't I?" Missouri teases, sounding all buttoned back up and presentable, and sharp edged Missouri Rose Moseley, perfect and pressed and nothing less than impressive. Ellen smiles despite it all.

"And so you would. You gonna be okay, sweetheart?" she asks, just one last time. Never can be too sure. Missouri chuckles.

"I always am, dear. I'll call you soon?" she asks. Ellen nods, even if Missouri can't see it.

"I'll pick up."

#again according to 4thewords less than 45 minutes so. kindest eyes and largest grains of salt please #ellen harvelle #missouri moseley #ellenmissouri #hinted marymissouri #hinted ellenmary #death cw #can you tell i think about seers a lot bc i think about being a seer a lot #the cassandra of it all the friends who believed you first the horrified part of you that has to bear witness to it all #mine

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alwaysahiccupandastrid · 4 years ago

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His Dark Materials S2 Ep 6 - Rambling/Thoughts

I really cannot believe that we’re at the penultimate episode already, oh my gosh. It’s gone by so fast??

Again, because I’ve reread TSK in the last couple of weeks, the book is fresh in my mind but I’ve probably still missed stuff

Also last week was so intense and seeing the “previously on” section made me remember just how intense that was, so it’s a hard job to top that!

ANGELS AHH RIGHT AWAY IM GEEKING OUT

“The last time they were seen was to make war” - IT’S HAPPENING ASDFGHJKL

Ruta going off to see Asriel and me just remembering what exactly went down between them while she was there with him... heh

So Will’s hand looks AWFUL oh my god poor Will 😭

Pan is REALLY into his Red PAN-da form oh my goodness

So the other kids out for revenge terrified the living SHIT out of me, dear god I don’t think it could be any creepier than dozens of them appearing out of the shadows like that, like it’s genuinely terrifying

Serafina just dropped right in to rescue them and I was both relieved and a little disappointed? Because in the book the whole chase sequence is so much longer and more important, like it takes up most of an entire chapter I think, and here it’s like two minutes?

Serafina: What does this edge cut? // Lyra: Everything (Will at the same time: Nothing.) - 😂

I missed Lee and Jopari tbh so yay to seeing them once more! And they’ve crossed into the next world!

Oh hi again Mary!

^ I wasn’t expecting to see Mary again this series because in TSK book, her last appearance is going through the window (which was last episode), so I’m a little curious as to whether we’re going to get a TINY little peek into The Amber Spyglass here (it’s been years since I reread it, I apologize). Because last series they did a bit of TSK (namely introducing Will + him crossing into Cittagazze), so it would be interesting!

“Good, something I can understand for a change” - LOL Same

Serafina wants to take Lyra back to her world?? Really??

Not gonna lie, the two girls spying on Mary was kind of low-key creepy

Lyra mentioning that she crossed worlds to find out about Dust and mentioning Roger 😭

Also I’m so emotional over just how much she wants Will to be safe, like she would really do anything to keep him safe and I love it

Lyra asking the Alethiometer where Will’s dad is and “he’s in this world” - ahhh it’s going to happen!

Also I really hope that the BBC/whoever decides to sell replica Alethiometers because the design is so beautiful?! I would fork out serious dough for one, and it would go nicely with the one I have from the film

No but seriously, words don’t describe just how badly I want a replica

“I wanted to fly so I summoned you here, now I’m flying” - LOL OKAY THEN JOHN

Ooh damn, that outfit Marisa is wearing is FINE. I’m slightly gayer than I was before, ngl

I was like “nooo Mary don’t be nice to these kids, they’re awful”

But it’s very sweet that she offers them food?? Like she pulls a chocolate bar out and is like “it’s no good for you, it’s full of sugar”... I love her

The way that Mary was so happy and excited when they mentioned Lyra, only to tell the girls off for trying to kill her - more of a mum than Mrs Coulter tbh

“Miss, can I have a hug?” - AWWW OMG WHY AM I SAD

They asked Mary to stay and look after them omg 😭😭😭

“Come with me, I’ll bring you to your adults” - ooh okay this could go any number of ways... Either she actually reunites them with their families and all’s well, or she takes them up there and their parents/adults are all dead (for lack of a better word)? Or the Spectres attack after Mary leaves them with the adults??

Jopari talking about meeting his dæmon and also a little bit about trying to get back to his family :(

“Can you magic us up a fire?” “One moment” *presents a box of matches” - LMFAO

Wait did Serafina seriously just imply that she thought Will might hurt Lyra?!?

Serafina saying that if protecting Lyra means protecting Will as well... Yes, protect Will please! Protect BOTH of these children, I literally BEG you, they’ve gone through far too much

Ooh okay so the witch ritual/spell was kind of cool to see!

Lyra saying “please tell me he’ll be alright” 😭♥️

The fact that Lyra curled up close to Will and then Pan (in ermine form) curled up CLOSER to Will is so cute, they both love Will so much

Pan: “We feel safe her... don’t we?” / OOF OKAY THIS IS F I N E

I already know what Lyra’s “other name” is because I read the book but the hints are anything BUT subtle tbh. “Mother of us all, cause of all sin, tempted by the serpent”... I’m not even that religious but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Also, if Mary is playing the part of the “serpent” within Lyra’s destiny, does that mean that Mary has tempted Lyra? Or that she will?

Boreal being nervous about being in the city and Marisa is just so unimpressed by him... Mood

That smirk she had when going up to that Spectre victim was so chilling, we have to stan Ruth Wilson and her incredible acting

Also, fun fact, Ruth Wilson went to my sixth form college and is from Surrey (like me), and she grew up in Shepperton, which is where my Nan used to live when she was alive (my uncle and aunt live there still), so that’s super exciting!

“We could learn from this” - PLEASE DO NOT MA’AM

God I hate the Magisterium so fucking much, the patriarchy is so strong with them

Oh great, now they’re gunning to kill Lyra :/

Also, off topic, I’ve only just connected that Will Keen, who plays Father MacPhail, is Dafne Keen’s dad?!?

“She’s lost a lot for one so young” - AND SHE’S STILL GOING TO LOSE PEOPLE, WHY IS THIS FAIR PHILIP PULLMAN 😭

“She must be protected” - AGAIN, they BOTH need protecting PLEASE

The Spectre noises reminded me of the noises of the Smoke Monster from LOST, so that’s definitely trippy for me

Thanks, I hate it

I nearly shouted “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING” out loud in front of both my parents, I seriously thought she had a damn death wish

I have never been so damn tense in my entire life as I am watching this show - and I KNOW what happens

HOW DID SHE DO THAT WITH THE SPECTRES SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN

Lee’s so worried about Lyra - 11/10, Father of the Year

The Magisterium airships... NO. FUCK. WE’RE AT THAT POINT ALREADY AND IM NOT OKAY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW AND WHERE THIS ENDS AND I HATE IT

I deadass thought Marisa and Carlo were about to kiss when he ran up to her and I actually said out loud “NO please don’t”

Look I must just be so dirty minded but when she said “let’s celebrate”, my immediate reaction was “NO NO NO NO EW EW EW NO” and “I hope she just means having a drink and not doing the frickety-frack”

I was so close to tearing up as Will was talking about his mum, her illness, and the boys who were mean to her because of it. His love for his mum is so beautifully written and the way Amir Wilson is playing Will is so wonderful

I was also close to tears when he was talking about his dad and how he used to imagine about his dad, so maybe I’m just emotional anyway

“Could go to school... have friends” - okay yeah no I’m definitely crying 😭

“I couldn’t trust anyone.” “Until you met me.” “Yeah.” - EXCUSE ME ♥️😭 my HEART

I love one (1) soft boy, and one (1) feral girl and her dæmon

The relief I felt when I saw Marisa and Carlo were literally just having drinks 😅

“They consume what makes us human, so I just suppressed that and hid it” + *cut to the monkey looking kinda sad/uncomfortable* - Umm fUCK OKAY THEN

Why am I feeling sorry for the monkey?!?

“You think we’re equal?” - LMFAO RIGHT

EWW THEY KISSED. No, just... nO

When I saw his snake dæmon moving towards her monkey, I thought one of two things was about to happen: 1) the monkey was going to pet and paw and the snake as Marisa seduced Boreal, or 3) the monkey was going to strange the snake and kill Boreal

OKAY THIS TOOK A SHARP BUT NOT UNWELCOMED TURN

“You’ve NEVER been my equal.” “You’d only hold me back.” - OH MY GOD YES THE SHADE

She’s not wrong though let’s be honest here

So she poisoned him I’m assuming? She poisoned his drink because the monkey didn’t actually touch the snake... damn.

Her just sitting there and continuing to drink with his dead body there is... damn.

“Into that valley” NO NO, please no

Jopari really just summoned a whole damn storm huh

Also the fact he fully trusts in Lee’s abilities to land them safely :3

Lee: “Can we trust him?” // Hester: “Do we have another choice?!!” - LMFAO I love them so much

THE WAY I NEARLY SCREAMED WHEN THAT WITCH GOT ATTACKED BY A SPECTRE OMFG AT LEAST WILL WAS THERE TO SAVE HER

Okay but did Marisa REALLY sit there for HOURS with Boreal’s corpse sitting opposite her?!?

Her burning her hand on the flame in front of the monkey, and the monkey clearly whimpering and in pain was so agonizing to watch, I can’t take this show

Also, you have to wonder just how many times she’s harmed herself (and him) for her to keep doing it with next to no problems (like separating from each other all the time)

I was so excited to see the birds attacking the zeppelins, like it was one of my favourite details in the book, and I worried that they wouldn’t have the budget for it but yay!

I do kind of wish that we’d had Sayan Kötor as the “eagle Queen” leading them though - she probably was but I wish we’d actually seen it or heard Jopari say it or whatever

THEY SHOT THE GAS CANNISTER OH SHIT THEY’RE GOING DOWN HARD AND FAST IN THAT BALLOON

HOLD ON BBC YOU CANNOT END THIS THERE?!? EXCUSE ME?!

The last episode is next week and on an hour earlier, so that’s exciting! I have no idea what I’ll do once this series ends, or when we’ll even get the third and final series because of COVID and filming delays, but I’m excited for it nonetheless and hoping it’s next November/December or something!

#his dark materials #hdm #lyra belacqua #lyra silvertongue #marisa coulter #mrs coulter #will parry #serafina pekkala #ruth wilson #dafne keen #amir wilson #pantalaimon #john parry #lee scoresby #hester

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johnseedfanclub · 3 years ago

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Wip Day

Startin this bad boy up (at least this is an attempt)

Chapter 6(?)

TW: Mentions of drugs, suicide, vulgar language, hallucinations, abuse, vomiting

Angel rose up out of bed with a groan followed by a stretch

“Good fucking LORD” Angel grinded out as he cracked his back “I feel worse than that one time I was injected with fucking ketamine...”

After contemplating his life choices, and considering putting a bullet to his head, Angel managed to drag himself towards the window of his room.

“Hmm. Still out here huh?” Angel grumbled discontentedly “I would’ve hope it was a dream” Angel looked up as if he were speaking to God himself

Angel made his way downstairs and looked around. House was still quiet. There’s no way that she was taken, right? Missy couldn’t be gone. Angel had his own “gifts” but Missy was a trained army soldier, maybe higher than just a soldier. All Angel knew was that she was trained in the army and probably had way more control over herself than he did over himself.

“..Missy..?...MISSY?!” Angel called, walking through the deathly silent home

No...no..this isn’t good...They couldn’t have possibly kidnapped her. She’s a trained professional. She would know what to do in these situations. Angel is more likely to get himself captured and probably nearly get himself, and others, killed in the process. And aside from that, if Missy is gone...what will be of Angel? He is nothing but a ticking time bomb waiting to lose control.

Suddenly the silence was broken as his radio cracked “Ayooooo Angel!!!”

Angel jolted nearly sending himself out of his skin “Who the fuck is that” Angel took out his radio “How did I not lose this shit...” he whispered to himself before clicking the radio “Hello..?” Angel answered back

A voice of happiness and relief was heard on the other side “Angellll! Great to hear you’re alive bud! Kinda heard a lot of ruckus going on back at the bunker since you were....ya know...spotted and all but this whole ordeal kinda died down a bit of course..for now that is”

Jesus Christ who is this guy and why is he rambling at a time like this...it’s too fucking hot and early to be talking a man’s ear off.

“Also uh..Sorry about the whole smoke sesh we had the other day I kinda got a bit too excited and gave you way more than a shoulda..You probably feel-“

For fucks sake.

“Jesus fuck you’re talking way too fucking much.” Angel clicked the radio and it went dead silent. Angel drew out a deep sigh and clicked the radio again “Sorry...Havin a bad mornin...what’s your name now?”

“Oh shit my bad- you’re probably feeling like a dog that got ran over!” Connor laughed on the other side “Probably can’t remember a damn thing either...I’m Connor! The guy you met in the bunker” Connor replied in benevolence

Angel paced in the living room “Connor.....guy I met in the bunker......smoking...” Angel froze in realization “This fucking dickwad-“ Angel clicked his radio “YOU’RE THE GUY THAT TRIED TO FUCK ME UP WITH THAT FUCKING BLISS- BULLSHIT.”

“Woah...hey now I said sorry for that already. I meant good intentions. I would never purposely fuck a gay man over unless he fucked me or my guys ov-“

“GOOD INTENTIONS? I HAD TO FIGHT THROUGH RUGGGED MEN WHILE NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE STRAIGHT” Angel blurted out

“HEY. I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE. TO BE FAIR I DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD A RECORD” Connor yelled back drawling out the ‘record’

“WHATEVER. Say now....what did you give me. I nearly had night terrors because of that fucking plant. And there’s no fucking way that it’s just weed.” Angel sat himself down on the couch thinking about the nightmares he had last night

There was a silence after that question. Was it that it was a mistake? Should he not have asked? Or hesitation? Maybe there was something in that cigarette-joint whatever it was...he-...Connor had to have gotten it somewhere...this wasn’t no ordinary plant or mix of bad drugs in a plant. This was...different.

“Okay....look. I trust you. But you cannot say this to anybody.” Connor spoke carefully

Gullible for a man who works in a cult

“What I put in that joint was bliss oil and ground up Moonflower....l-look I’m sorry okay...the flower adds to the high and the oil makes it burn longer” Connor had a very regretful tone in his voice. But that didn’t explain what any of that substance was...

“What the fuck is bliss oil? And moonflower...sounds slightly familiar..” Angel said confused

“Don’t worry about it. Can you meet me near John’s ranch later?” Connor asked

“That asshole? Fat chance drug mule” Angel returned with a chuckle

“Ya know you should be nicer. And how do you remember him easily???” Connor huffed, malcontented

“This man has been harassing me the last four months ever since I moved here. I think at that point it’s safe to say he has a rememorable face....a punchable one too.” Angel sneered

“O-oh right....probably not a good place then huh...”

“Of c- didn’t you say that I had a record Connor?”

“Okay okay...I wasn’t thinking straight-“

“Obviously”

“Jesus Chr- DO YOU WANT TO MEET AT FALLS END THEN?!”

“That would be great love” Angel mocked

“Ain’t you a peach...you know...I’m starting to believe what John was saying about you.....hmm.” The radio clicked and went silent

“Oh I’m goin to nick his ears off...” Angel growled “Can finish a sentence but not a fight”

Angel got up after having a moment of planning to beat up Connor later and decided it might be better to head to Fall’s End...maybe after a nap of course.. he won’t have to worry about Connor till later.

Angel decided to head back into his room and throw himself on his bed “Oooh...” Angel breathed out “I have a feeling this is gonna be one fucking day.” Angel drawled out in exhaustion before closing his eyes shut.

"𝒜𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓁..."

Angel had a horrible gut wrenching feeling...that voice...that terrible fucking voice...

"𝒜𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓁...." the voice sang his name in a comforting tone...but that voice was never a comfort to him

He kept his eyes shut...but didn’t know how much longer he would have to for him to go away...it was impossible to ignore something that was so insisting and demanding...

"𝒲𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝓊𝓅...𝑀𝓎 𝓈 𝑜 𝓃."

He opened his eyes and saw red. Only red. The walls of his room. Red. The ceiling. Red. Where he slept. Red. The sky. Red. Everything was Red. He immediately felt sick but he couldn’t escape there was no escape. He sat up.

There.

There he was in the doorway. Blocking his only way out. The tall figure that loomed over Angel’s doorway. A Man that Angel could never fight, The Man that Angel fears the most more than anything...anyone in the world

𝓐𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓵𝓸 𝓢𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓱𝓮𝔃

Angel quickly looked around but realized he was stuck. He was backed into a wall. There was no way he would make it out alive.

"𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓈...𝑀𝓎 𝓈𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓉 𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓉𝓁𝑒 𝒷𝑜𝓎." The voice said tenderly moving closer to him

“D-don’t call me that....” Angel moved back to try to move himself away from the Man but there was no use of it. He started breathing heavy. With every step the Man took the more weight he felt on his chest. He started to spiral, every fighting instinct left his body. He felt like a rabbit being hunted by a Lion.

“𝒲𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝑔𝑜𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝒹𝑜 𝒾𝒻 𝐼 𝒹𝑜?"

“help...h e l p.” He tried to call out but struggled to get the words out between breaths “somebody help me. get me out of here.”

The Man grabbed Angel’s face and tightened his grip, enough to leave bruises on the skin. All the fight left his body...he froze in horror having to force himself to look in his eyes. Tears started to stream down his face and he whimpered and tried to scream.

"𝒮𝒽𝒽𝒽𝒽...𝓆𝓊𝒾𝑒𝓉 𝓃𝑜𝓌..𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓂𝑒" the Man stroked Angel’s face gently while shushing him like a puppy

“I don’t feel safe around you...I will never be safe or free in your hands....” Angel rasped out, nearly overworking his lungs for air “I will never call myself your son.”

The Man’s eye twitched but he cracked a smile "𝒜𝒽..." the man clicked his tongue before breathing in "𝒩𝑜..𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉'𝓈 𝒻𝒶𝒾𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉'𝓈 𝒻𝒶𝒾𝓇" he retreated slightly before taking both of his large hands and pressing them on Angel’s throat, tighting them and he watched Angel panick and try to push him away legging out a crooked laugh

Angel saw his vision fading and slowly going dark. He was trying to fight back but it was a losing battle to begin with. So, he gave up.

"𝒲𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒶 𝓅𝒶𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓉𝒾𝒸 𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓉𝓁𝑒 𝓁𝒾𝑜𝓃"

Angel immediately woke up and started coughing and immediately felt something coming up his throat. He ran to the bathroom and flipped the toilet cover up and immediately started retching. Fluids poured out of his mouth that burned his nose and throat. And when he thought he was done more came back up. After finishing he was shaking and his head was pounding, tears were streaming down his cheeks and he still felt that weight in his chest. He looked into the toilet and...it was red. He flushed the toilet quickly as the color made him nauseous again not to mention he didn’t even have a chance to eat. It was nothing but bile. Angel sat back. He couldn’t even bring himself to try to speak to himself. So he sat on the floor, trembling....crying. The silence in the house was loud. He has to get out of here.

Angel quickly got up in a panic and washed his face and brushed his teeth, wanting to get that awful taste of bile off his tongue. After he packed his backpack with survival tools and some basic needs to help him out...there...I mean there was just more than one man chasing after him...

He wasted no time leaving after, wiping whatever tears were left on his face, God, he hated looking vulnerable I mean he was already enough..

“I’m never taking a fucking nap again...not until the exhaustion comes over me...”

Angel made the trek to Fall’s End. And though it wasn’t a long hike, it was quiet...almost too quiet.

“Hey-“

Angel reached for his hun and aimed at the sudden greeting

“Woah! Hey now! It’s just me Angel Mary May spoke softly

Angel lowered his weapon quickly in shock ‘I could’ve killed her for Christ sake’ he thought

“You okay love? You seem...different? On edge..?” she spoke with a tone that was almost a comforting as Missy, Bless her heart if she’s still out there

Angel tried to get the words out “....I......uhm...y-yea....kind of...just had a nightmare...no big deal...” he manage to put on a smile that could fool a careless man. But Mary saw right through it.

“Look I know you probably don’t wanna talk about whatever is going on with you bit don’t try to fool me with a smile m’kay” Mary scolded Angel a bit and started walking forward to Fall’s End

“Okay mom” Angel huffed out a laugh “Funny seeing you out here huh” Angel followed after her like a little duckling

“Funny seeing me out here? It’s noon Angel! Did you oversleep again?” Mary looked at Angel teasing him a bit

“Very funny. I was up earlier but was still tired from yesterday so I took a nap......unfortunately it didn’t work out in my...uhm....favor” Angel cleared his throat

“Well why don’t you tell me all about it?” Mary asked curiously

‘This is gonna be a common thing huh...’ Angel thought before breathing out “Where do I start?”

Tagging:

@mrspaigeomega @mrsladydiana @oorah22 @minilev @lilwritingraven @scungilliwoman

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red-hood-vigilante · 4 years ago

Text

more hbo spn rambles, thoughts, drabbles etc. long long post.

part 1 here

there’s some things i’ve omitted here bc others have already posted about those things, certain headcanons and characterizations and stuff. those posts are in my likes somewhere (and i’ll reblog them someday), and there’s some posts i’ve read but not liked, which i now can only vaguely remember, which is why some ideas/thoughts are similar

ALSO most of these follow the model i talked about in part one: how s1-5 will stay more or less how they are but s6-10 is changed (some things are cut out entirely, some things are tweaked and some characters + arcs are more fleshed out. more focus on sam’s trauma and post-cage adaptation to the real world as well as dean letting his rage and control issues consume him and how he’d recover and redeem himself)

as i typed these paragraphs, i realized i really have 10 seasons mapped out and ready to go. hbo hire me!!

alright go:

sam and dean get wearier as the show progresses (second half), and eventually they stop putting so much care and thought in the people they save. like...hm how do i say this, like as long as a victim/victims are saved, they don’t care about how that happens or how those people suffer potential consequences, like if the victims lose a limb or have their homes burned down because of the monster, then sam and dean don’t really care. they saved your life, now they’ll leave you with your life in potential shambles and not care because all that matters is that they saved your life, not how it is afterwards. they still care about saving that one person, but eventually it pales a little in comparison to a war between heaven and hell, being the vessels etc. ---> saving people becomes less about making sure they’re actually alright and healing from horrific events and more about just making sure they have a pulse before they move on

when angels lose their wings they are either burned off in the actual fall or ripped off of them in their vessels, which leaves pretty nasty scars on the vessel

ed and harry are so young and bright eyed about the whole hunting thing; sam and dean as kids, idolizing it, finding it exciting and intriguing when they shouldn’t. sam and dean try to get them out of the business before they too are too traumatized and desensitized to do anything but hunt. neither sam or dean will say it but they are jealous of ed and harry and their freedom to leave, and hate them for choosing this voluntarily instead of being dragged into it by tragedy

hbo spn is a slow burn. there’s a lot more shots of sam and dean in silence just sitting together after a hunt, exhausted and too tired to move yet. they’re covered in blood and guts on the side of the road after killing or covered with dirt in a graveyard after burning bones, sitting next to the fire, just watching it. the times they park the car and watch the stars? we get to see it.

dean wears rings and the amulet all the time in the beginning, for the first five seasons. the rings vary; first they’re some of john’s old ones and stuff he finds in thrift stores. then later on he begins wearing rings from people they’ve saved/haven’t saved as a keepsakes etc. when he begins his descent to the holy murderer in s6-10 he wears less and less rings. they don’t matter anymore -> symbolically shedding who he was and what mattered to him

the only accessories sam has is a rosary/cross around his neck. he has jess’ engagement ring in his pocket/wallet. after the cage he vaguely remembers why the ring was there and who jessica was (more on this further down)

the four horsemen are manifestations of different aspects of human nature at its most grotesque and strongest, can’t be killed as long as humans live. war is conflict, famine is desire, pestilence is physical and mental illnesses.

(the seven sins are like the horsemen, tulpas of human nature instead of demons)

death isn’t a concentration of an existing aspect of humans as much as it is the end of life, the antithesis of life. death the oldest of the horsemen and has existed since the beginning of any life, organism, cell and atom. the opposite of life and light, the other half of god (as i’m typing this i’m confused as to why amara was the opposite of god instead of death). death isn’t evil or good, remains 100% objective. doesn’t care for sam or dean at all, but has a begrudging respect for their stubbornness and entertainment they provide due to their flat out refusal to do as they’re told by celestial bodies when anyone else would crumble

by including death i feel like it very naturally begs questions of who decides when someone dies, when someone lives, why would death follow these guides instead of reaping whomever whenever, what happens if a life isn’t reaped at the right time etc. the reader in me adore the idea of death having a library with books and records of everyone who has ever lived and died and how they died - but then, who writes these books and why? do they decide, and if in that case, how? these questions are above my paygrade but you know what i mean? like there has to be some sort of system right, god created everything, death executes to maintain order, some third party deity writes the laws and the books. the three branches of government. ok but it’s hbo so again, i think we shouldn’t dive this deep into things, like as much as these topics intrigue me i don’t want to stray too much from the dirt road trip aesthetic

shapeshifters are extremely rare because they don’t require any kind of human blood or organs/sacrifice to live

i want more exploration of how magic is like science, like it just needs the right ingredients and right conditions. sam thinks of magic as an obscure branch of science; it just requires research and knowledge and clear intentions because science can be controlled and do a lot of good when used responsibly. dean doesn’t like it. he doesn’t trust the unpredictable elements and he’s seen enough to know it never goes well. magic is a force that can’t be controlled by anyone.

sam and dean have full on fist fights regularly. to practice and keeping each other sharp, but also because they’re siblings. they’re feral, insane and unhinged with each other and they get on each other’s nerves A LOT. it’s petty and childish and sometimes it can get a lil ugly but it becomes their way of family therapy. after a fight the next scene cuts to sam and dean with ruffled clothes, nosebleeds and swollen lips at a diner eating silently after beating each other up. either they sit in silence because they’re tired or both are harping on the other’s openings and weaknesses

sometimes they’ll fight a little dirty but they do so in different ways; dean will pull the old ‘look!’ and point to something and then tackle sam when he turns to look while sam will just cry out in fake pain which makes dean stop dead in his tracks before sam headbutts him or kicks him in the groin

we, the audience get used to these fights, they’re sometimes funny and for comic relief, sometimes for narrative purposes (like tricking a monster they’re fighting each other when they’re really not) BUT. then comes the times when sam and dean are actually fighting without holding back and we see how much they are capable of hurting each other or how heartbreaking and difficult it can be to watch when of them are incapable of fighting back/doesn’t defend himself -> swan song when dean doesn’t fight back against possessed sam, or when dean beats soulless sam unconscious

sam and dean also just verbally bully each other constantly but they do have their odd ways of expressing affection and care. they get the other person their fave snack whenever they go grocery shopping without being asked to and are the only other one they truly trust to have their back in hunts. have a cup of coffee ready before the other asks for one. brothers and each other’s best friend. nightmare duo but in a sweet way. the cooperation of ‘the usual suspects’ when they’re in different interrogation rooms but still has the cover story down to a t. code words and code names and cover stories, they know it all

when sam and dean fight together against a common enemy they’re a damn nightmare - because they know each others weaknesses and habits, they cover each other perfectly and in complete silence. they’ve been at it together since they were kids and read each other’s nonverbal cues like a picture book

to build off of what i said in part 1; the winchesters are pretty hated in the hunter’s community. even the people sam and dean frequently work with (bobby, ellen, jo, ash, rufus, bela, kevin, charlie, castiel etc) roasts them all the time and don’t hesitate with calling them out on their self-pitying crap when it get’s too much (spn was just objectively better when characters weren’t afraid of dragging sam and dean through the mud for being selfish and stupid) and this WILL persist in hbo spn. the only reason people continue working with sam and dean is because they know deep down a lot of the things that happens aren’t sam and dean’s fault - but they still blame them for it. doesn’t make it easier how sam or dean sometimes start crap on purpose to save the other

the winchesters are terrifying and people for sure tell stories about them, but not like ‘they’re heroes’, more like ‘they’re insane and dangerous. stay the fuck away from them’. some stories are true, like how they’ve worked with demons, but some are just game of telephone. (dean has apparently a ghost he is frequently possessed by while sam is actually a mutant vampire). hunters hate and are scared of the winchesters. sam and dean are never invited to hunter stuff (burials, memorials etc) but crash them nonetheless even though the hunters do NOT want them there.

you know what drives me insane when i think about it? how some characters in spn already are their hbo spn counterparts; john. mary. adam. maybe kevin?

other things that already are their hbo spn counterparts: dean throwing away the amulet right in front of sam. eyes burning when angels are seen. how ghosts are just tragedies, stuck in a loop they can’t leave. how a lot of the monsters they meet are just victims or their circumstances or the first victim of a curse. the impala being sam and dean’s home. dean not knowing how to comfort sam when he’s upset other than trying to do things for sam that usually brings dean comfort (driving the impala, listening to rock music etc). the roadhouse. heaven being an eternal version of the memories that made you the happiest even though it’s not real. sam wanting independence and freedom but never fully having it. dean fearing being alone more than anything else and that’s where he always ends up. sam has an eating disorder after the demon blood and dean has an alcohol problem he refuses to see as a problem. dean saying “i’d do it again” without an ounce of regret and pouring himself a drink when sam tells him it was fucked up to lie to him about gadreel

the demon/angel hybrid: THIS could be sooo interesting to explore. an angel and demon hybrid are you kidding me?? not to toot my own horn too much but i’m so clever. i should write this story myself. SO. does this creature have parents who fucked in their vessels or was this an experiment by god (yes i love the ‘mad scientist’ idea, that really should’ve been played up way more) or did a pre-existing creature (human or otherwise) drink demon blood and angel grace at the same time so that it created itself? so much potential for some really intriguing storytelling and character exploration - not only the creature itself and what they would be like, but also for the people around; sam, dean, castiel, jack etc. how would they react to this thing that is the very definition of defying heaven and hell and all the natural laws? does it exist before the show starts or will we see its birth?

the powers of the demon/angel hybrid would be tricky; a mix of holy and defiant, grotesque and beautiful. unconsciously forces people to tell the truth when talking to them. poisons whatever they touch. eyes of a demon, wings of an angel. can smite but skin will burn when touching iron. can do deals but will require a sacrifice in return, not a soul, usually a body part taken then and there (the hybrid eats it. it favours eyeballs and the liver - angels like raw meat). lights always flicker. makes things explode when angry (esp people and cars). can manipulate feelings, thoughts and memories. can travel to both heaven and hell, not welcome in either places. + standard stuff like telekinesis, teleportation, mind reading, super strength etc.

sam and dean’s wardrobe are pretty much the same; whatever’s cheap and not covered in blood. however, they do have stylistic differences. sam thinks graphic tees are funny, dean uses whatever’s black combined with john’s leather jacket. their wardrobe melds as they stop thinking of themselves as individuals and more of “me and my brother,”. their clothes are tattered and torn to shreds all the time. hand me downs, hand me ups. when they stray off their “path” and do things that are the crux of a storyline/character arc, this would reflect in their clothes. when sam is with ruby and becomes more and more “evil” he wears more and more red, a colour he has stated in the past he doesn’t really like. when dean is dead, sam starts to wear his rings and john’s and dean’s leather jacket. when dean decides he’s going to say yes to michael he dresses in white, when sam is dead dean takes off every piece of jewelry except the amulet. he holds it clenched in his fists when he’s whispering what comes close to a prayer

logically the amulet should have a backstory but you know what? i love that it’s hinted to be just a piece of cheap jewelry sam found in a thrift store he decided to give to dean. but narratively it should be explained so... idk. what could be logical solution as to why it would react to GOD himself? maybe god wore it once cuz he thought it was neat but he sold it for three dollars because he wanted coffee and then sam found it a week later

i would prefer it if god didn’t show up at all (absent father number one) but if he DID he’s not all powerful just a true neutral (like death, 100% objective) who created a thing that just took a life of its own, much like a parent and a child - the parent helps the child but can’t control it. the times he did intervene or tried to do something it didn’t really have any real long lasting effect so he gave up on trying a while ago.

@spneveryseason talked about this, how the storyline of sam being possessed by gadreel would be horrifying if we saw everything from sam’s perspective instead of dean’s (her fic is wonderful). in the ‘dean slowly descends into a righteous murderer to become holy’ idea i have this tracks so damn well because again, if dean believes something is right, it is right, no questions about it. everyone around him is like “that’s really fucked up and you should make amends” but dean doesn’t see any reasons for why - sam is alive isn’t he? and seeing it from sam’s pov would really underline how horrifying, dehumanizing and belittling that experience was

john and mary are adam and eve. sam and dean are cain and abel are michael and lucifer. time is a flat circle. history never stops repeating itself.

sam is the villain of s4. he is manipulated and key information is withheld from him but in the end... would it made a difference? it crossed his mind, that he could be tricked because ruby is a demon after all, but maybe he likes the power, the feeling of freedom, that he wasn’t just the baby, the one who always needs permission to do things. if he has to drain possessed people to get that power... so be it. and it’s for a good purpose, until it isn’t. he’s hungry for more, to be feared and respected. he’s enticed by lucifer’s sweet words, the potential of all that power and the idea of ruling two out of three realms. dean manages to pull him back from the brink because sam decides he doesn’t want to be what john thought he was and fail dean and himself like that.

dean is the villain in s9. he is controlling, the mark of cain without the mark. what he says goes - it’s not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. he doesn’t see how much pain, doubt and fear he causes the people around him. if some victims or civilians die on his watch that doesn’t matter - just some collateral damage. sam can’t make dean listen to him because dean is the older one, the one who’s always called the shots. dean is the angelic one, heaven’s chosen warrior, he is untouchable and unkillable. he’s is an excellent killer, filling the void with blood and rage which is better than the crippling fear of loneliness carved into his bones. 'i butcher for love, to protect,’ he tells himself. ‘why shouldn’t i exterminate, regardless of the cost? i’ve followed the rules, i’ve always sacrificed. now i call the shots. it’s my right.’

sam’s hell trauma is never magically removed. he’s stuck with the memories and the nightmares and the occasional hallucinations. castiel can’t do anything but offers to wipe his memory completely, but sam says no, he is still doing penance.

after dean comes back from hell he starts calling himself old man and jokes a lot about he’s 40 years older now (after he’s more comfortable about speaking about hell)

when sam comes back he feels ancient (he’s over 900 years old at least but he lost count), weary, tired and so so so out of place in this world. he’s forgotten how to put gas in a car, how to drive, how to use a credit card, all the song lyrics he and dean used to yell together, the faces of people he knew before he fell, the softness of a bed, the schools he went to, most of the hunts he and dean, how john died, who mary is, the initials carved into the impala, the taste of food that isn’t raw meat. it’s so much he’s forgotten that he has to relearn. he prefers figuring things out with castiel instead of dean because castiel doesn’t silently resent him for everything he’s forgotten

sam doesn’t laugh anymore. despite dean’s many and castiel’s few awkward attempts, it’s more like quick smile and a quiet “hmm”. on some days he recoils when he sees blood and guts, on other days he’s so apathetic it’s unnerving

sam sympathizes with the brought back mary and castiel more than ever. dean tries to get sam to remember things he’s forgotten from his childhood but sam can’t connect with it anymore. he stopped being that sam a long time ago. dean doesn’t know what else to do than try to force this connection to be revitalized and he fails. sam isn’t that person anymore and this wedge in their relationship becomes a central factor in dean’s s6-10 desperation and isolation. sam is here and safe but it’s not really sam, not the sam dean grew up with

while sam has forgotten how to make coffee, he now knows everything about angels, effective torture tricks, a bunch of lore + biblical history, how to navigate hell, the most powerful and influential demons, rare and powerful spells as well as perfect enochian (he will speak enochian without realizing and it feels more natural than english). lucifer and michael were surprisingly talkative (raging about the unfairness) when taking their anger and hatred out on sam and adam and each other. sam had access to all of lucifer’s memories and knowledge for the time he was the one in control. walking library and encyclopedia of biblical lore.

he still has some muscle memory from hunting and sparring, but sam is ghostly thin and very rusty. even though he’s an expert on lore, he’s not fit to go on hunts anymore and he knows it.

sam remembers adam and swears he’ll try to get him out, but he can’t. just thinking about the cage makes him vomit. he can’t talk about it, much less go near it. after a while sam thinks it might be better to let adam stay down there than let him come back up and feel this crushing emptiness and loss of direction

sam’s trials take place in s9 instead of 8; coinciding with dean’s villain arc. for sam the trials are a chance to redeem himself again, this time for good by closing hellgates forever. they’re scrubbing him clean of the demon blood and his sins and they give him a sense of purpose again now that he can’t join hunts anymore. it doesn’t matter if he dies because of it. it would be nice with a permanent and peaceful death that did something good. dean is taken aback by sam’s devotion to repent for something that happened years ago and for something sam has already paid for a thousand times over. dean realizes how messed up he himself has become and how he’s helped put sam here, on the cusp of self sacrifice again because of sickening guilt and self hatred. dean begs sam to not complete the trials at the cost of his own life and swears he’ll better himself, be a friend and a brother, not a jailer, dictator or a murderer. ‘if you won’t give yourself or life another chance, please give me one.’ ---> s10 pacifist dean learning to let go of the control, the violent tendencies and the rage

oh wait what if gadreel still possessed sam after the trials to heal him but sam is the one who invites the angel in? he’ll keep his promise to dean about staying alive, as well as heal from the inside and have breaks from the world when he doesn’t want to be present, like he and gadreel will alternate being the one in control. he keeps it a secret from dean and helps gadreel imitate him so dean won’t notice. it’s not so bad, being possessed by this angel - sam can say no anytime and gadreel is a nice guy. since they alternate on who’s present they can access each other’s memories, which is terrifying and embarrassing at first, but since gadreel and sam have been tricked and used by lucifer and been punished for it for far too long, they understand each other. now another creature knows their trauma and terrors without the need for verbal explanation. also having an angel residing in his body makes sam feel like he can hunt properly again because gadreel can heal him and take over in situations sam’s overpowered. this could show how messed up sam has come to view himself and his body.

dean is conflicted when he finds out; sam lied but gadreel does help sam heal, sam’s traumatized and his self-worth is fucked up and dean has contributed to that. dean convinces sam to push gadreel out, that sam is still valuable, loved and a good person who shouldn’t be in a place where he views his body and mind like a property to be occupied. sam’s faith begins to come back bit by bit, not in god, but in himself, his brother, in the good things in life. they build their little family; sam, dean, castiel, the hybrids, whomever of their allies that are alive at this point.

castiel can heal sam and dean’s wounds but they are never completely gone; they leave scars and phantom pains. the brothers have SO many scars over the years. dean flaunts them to impress people because he likes the questions and the fearful admiration, the attention and the nods of approval. sam hides them.

when dean is in a bad mood or needs to get his mind off of things, sam just drops something like ‘i don’t get the deal with led zeppelin. one of the most overrated bands of all time’ and dean will go OFF every single time about the entire led zeppelin history, their discography and how they’ve shaped rock music. this will go on for hours and sam will zone out after 1 minute. but dean rants nonsensically the entire drive and it does get him to think about something else for a little bit. they stop at a motel and dean is STILL ranting while brushing his teeth. stops when going to sleep but without fail picks up where he left off the morning after and is so into it he doesn’t notice sam not paying attention at all. we could see this once in s1 when they’re searching for john, another in s3 when dean is anxious about his deal coming to an end and then again in a later season, when sam doesn’t remember to ask/doesn’t have the patience or mental capability, so they’ll sit there in tense silence, showing how much they’ve changed.

---> i can see this SO clearly in my head, how they’ll get in the car and we, the audience, will recognize the camera angle, the same lines and dean’s grumpy mood, and we’ll anticipate what comes next. but sam isn’t that kid anymore and he’s not peeking at dean to gauge what his mood is and how much of a shit eating grin he should wear when being an annoying little brother to cheer dean up. now he’s looking out the window, leaned back, they’re not looking at each other. this shot is a minute or two long, uninterrupted. dean turns on music but neither are singing along or doing anything to lighten the mood.

s1-5: sam gets hooked on demon blood, dean has an alcohol problem. when sam goes through withdrawals, dean decides to quit drinking and joins him because he wants to be supportive, and he realizes that when he drinks two beers for breakfast there’s a problem

s6-10: sam takes painkillers, anti depressants and anti psyhosis meds to numb himself from the phantom pains and reduce post-cage effects. dean started drinking again after sam jumped and still does, but started smoking in addition because he still drives a lot and doesn’t want to die in something as pathetic as a car crash.

there a scene in an episode in the first half of s8, when sam has decided to stay with dean instead of amelia, and dean has rejected benny in favor of sam, and then the brothers sit in a couch watching tv while drinking beer and neither of them look particularly happy about it - that’s how their relationship is a lot of the time. they know they’re fucked up and neither of them will ever be truly happy when the other’s around, but they owe each other so much and they don’t have to explain themselves to each other the way they do to others. they know each other so well, each other’s traumas and the things they’ve done, it feels fake and exhausting to try to be something other than the veteran hunters they are. misery loves company; they are miserable together but would be far more miserable apart and living a normal life. they do love each other, but neither of them are particularly happy as the show progresses. family is hell and so is the lack of it.

OK OK i mentioned it in part one, how i had my own very specific idea about how jack should come to be and here it is. long winded but (might just write a damn fic):

after lucifer was cast back into the cage, he is stronger than he has been in a long time (being in his true vessel helped him stretched muscles he forgot he had. and fresh air.) sam is pulled out of the cage and it leaves a rift in the magic and chains - the binding is weaker and lucifer must act fast to get out before it heals. the cage is still strong enough to hold two archangels, so lucifer has to become weaker somehow to slip out through the cracks. he can’t get out of the cage, but souls can come in. demons bring themselves and human souls as tools for lucifer to use. there’s not much he can do here - consuming them, eating them, touching them, dissecting them doesn’t give him what he wants

eventually lucifer realizes he must do like azazel and create something new of two halves, like when he created demons. he begins melding his archangel grace with a human soul. he tries with demons, but his archangel grace automatically purifies them and leaves them too weak. he must try with a human soul who is good. he finds the soul of kelly kline, who sold her soul to save a loved one. with her, the merging, works.

he has another self, a twin, a son, who’s half human and half archangel. half lucifer. the old lucifer will die but that’s ok, his desires, presence and self will live on in his new creation. the new lucifer barely makes it out of the cage, only able to due to its human side. on earth it creates a body for itself and takes shape, no longer a form of pure power and energy akin to the sun itself but now a person, reminiscent of kelly kline on earth and lucifer in heaven. they name themselves jack. jack searches for familiarity and finds it in sam, their old self’s perfect tool and another hybrid. jack finds a mentor in castiel, a younger brother and fellow angel with human elements. they do not find anything in dean, the key to his former self’s doom.

jack’s powers: their powers are like and unlike the angels because he is half archangel. jack has wings but sometimes they don’t work, or they’ll end up somewhere else entirely. their body is their own, not a vessel, so jack can’t possess people. doesn’t talk but people “know” what they’re saying or want because jack emits their emotions and thoughts to people they’re talking to like a radio tower. jack can also have this empathic connection and communication with animals. his mood affects the weather. immortal. reads minds. can remove a soul from a body and send it to heaven/hell by touching it, with practice they don’t need to touch a body.

other stuff about jack: the human/archangel nature means jack only need sleep and food once a week or so. eats only nougat and raw meat. because jack is a kid they nap a lot. levitates when sleeping. never blinks, stares intensely at everything. their eye colour changes based on their mood. eyes glow in the dark. normal humans who look at jack for too long experience memory loss, fainting spells or migraines and eye contact for more than 10 seconds give vivid hallucinations of their worst nightmares. always barefoot, often floats like 10 cm off the ground because they find it more enjoyable than walking. wears the wildest clothes they can find, nothing matches and nothing is weather appropriate

i have a very specific image of jack in my mind; they look like delirium from the sandman comics with the hair that looks like it’s underwater and the fishes floating around their head, here and here are examples. in live action this would look not good or maybe even ridiculous for sure but in animation... endless potential for angels and monsters to have super interesting designs sigh

castiel’s arc should end with him going from blind soldier, to the unwilling ruler of heaven, finding a place on earth with sam and dean, becoming closer with humanity and eventually a father of three (the hybrids).

#hbo spn #sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #iben spoke #ok i'm tired of looking at this now #i just needed to get these thoughts out of my head to get some peace and quiet #more character centric than part 1 #and it turned into such a long post.... jesus #i should make a separate post for post cage sam headcanons #ana if you see this i'm so sorry to drag you into this mess but i wanted to give credit where credit is due

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allexteriordark · 4 years ago

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Can I just ask why you're so interested in the john/dean dynamic? I just never found it interesting, John wasn't in the show enough for me to grow an interest, so I'd like to hear it from your pov :)

@ghost-go-roasty-mctoasty let me start off by saying i cannot possibly explain or phrase this in a way that's better than what others have said.... refer to nikki fearlastyear and bug familyhorror for real 🥴 but i get that you're asking why i'm like this so

i'm gonna put a read more since i'm incapable of being succint. i just rambled on and you'll have to take it because that was enough time spent on this. and like, i might not be satisfied, might not feel like i conveyed what i wanted to, but i don't feel like i can pull anything better out of myself lol and that's okay

and the answer, the relationship i have with my dad is certainly something and i'm projecting 💗 no but the key to dean and john is that a lot of it is off-screen. we're told about the night azazel paid a friendly little visit, about john being a vietnam vet, an ex-marine who just wanted to settle down, about sam and dean's childhood, about dean's problems with identity and self-worth. the show tells us a lot of things about them, just not outright. a lot can be deduced imo!!

the appeal is this: dean was devoted to his father, served him as well as he could, idolized him, despite john being absent and despite how he treated his sons. like,, john was his god. (i don't see this kind of intense devotion often in media when it comes to fathers - or it doesn't do it for me?? why i latched onto them probably has something to do with john's character. anyway,)

i feel like i was shown enough of john to... find him interesting enough to make me think about him and how he raised his boys? from very early on, john was dean's hero. as @familyhorror said, the night mary died intertwined their lives, not just because trauma, but because from that point on they were sharing this mission: protect sam, avenge mary and the sanctity of family.... i'm interested in dean's space in this family, in this unit, when the three of them were together (especially with me having a shitty family like i had to raise my sister and protect her from my parents sometimes. relatability points!!)

i wonder how dean and john operated when sam, the disobedient son, the one who didn't put family first, left them. that was a shared pain, shared betrayal to an extent. and from when sam left to when john went missing, it was just the two of them. that's all dean and john had 🥴 i'm probably definitely underestimating how many friends and acquaintances john had (pastor jim was definitely in the picture from early on..) but the stanford years couldn't be insignificant!! their relationship must have intensified. so they were sergeant and soldier, but also john, broken man on a revenge mission, and dean, his only true companion and provider of comfort.... tugging at john's coat when he was sad (above the clouds of pompeii by bear's den is actually about them just so everyone knows) and telling his dad it'll be okay after he came home from a hunt. dean did that, when he was small o_o i doubt he stopped wanting to care for his dad

sam wasn't elevated to the level in the family dean was elevated to. because dean's the oldest. the parent's supposed to provide the comfort, children can't possibly make good friends for their parents, no matter how much the parent needs a supporter. "i put too much on your shoulders, i made you grow up too fast. you took care of sammy, you took care of me" !!! dean turned into his dad's partner, in a way, because john needed one. total coincidence that my mom also thinks i can care for her like a friend and forgets that i'm her daughter ahaha <3

with mary dead, someone also needed to do the tasks traditionally assigned to like, the mom. i just doubt john always did the laundry and cleaned up when there was a mess and acted as a health care provider and did the dishes, it makes more sense to me that he passed most of the khmm ""duties of a mother"" off to dean... i mean. john definitely didn't do a lot for the comfort of his boys, in the name of nurturing them.... but dean had a baby brother, he had to make things better for his brother, i feel like when john left a spot empty, when something wasn't done, he stepped in. sometimes. this doesn't mean dean was a good wife replacement or that he was the only one who cooked or anything like that lol i'm just saying that dean definitely took on more responsibility than a kid's supposed to and his relationship with his father existed mostly so john's needs would be met. he wasn't just a son to john, that's what i think of them

also once sam left i think john could just, pull dean even deeper, have him be more obedient, on the same page as john - i'm doing this for your perfect angel of a mother and for family and for sammy, i'm doing this to you for your own good, because the world is a dark place and i love you so much. and isn't it interesting, dean thinking the abuse is justified? that john was right to leave them to go on hunts and to move them from motel to motel, eradicating any chance of connection they could've had outside of family and any chance of feeling like they have a home? and of feeling safe.. that's another thing: when dean's a kid all he knows is something killed his mom, there's monsters out there, but dad's gonna make it better :) of course he clung to a perfect image of his father and he stayed with john and modeled himself after his dad. (of course that's interesting to me)

dean loved like his father, learned love from him, because he learned everything else from him too actually, and he became his father. isn't that level of devotion insane. i don't just mean the music, the jacket, the car, or the lifestyle, or the alcoholism and violence later on, i mean more like, the very foundations of who dean is. his morals, his being is based on john. so his entire life his father never left him :) there's something religious about this, and also something that reminds me of platonism: john being the idea of absolute good and true, that dean wants to take inside himself,,, as much of john as possible. he could never be good and heroic enough though (the american hero he was trying to measure up to is like. not real ofc). dean sold his soul for sam, even though that's what john did for him and it was a terrible burden, to be saved, through sacrifice, but he couldn't help it :) and he comes back from hell and is told that his father lasted longer, could withstand more, he'll never be the hero john was.

so, the abuse was passed on (dean violating sam's autonomy because he can't live without sam, and, other stuff like that. i couldn't list everything dean did that was fucked up <3) and the selling your soul for your family, for your kid, was passed on!! horrific, turning into your parent and fucking someone up the same way they fucked you up. i'm very compelled by the winchester family and what they do to each other, because, that's family, to me at least, it's horrendous and the only thing that matters :/

and this is the part where i talk about my dad 🤪 so get this: i fucking hate him. i despise him, i want him dead, the intensity of it scares me. he turns me into something ugly! i can't forgive him and there's really nothing to salvage here, in what i have with him, and i've thought about it a lot. for a while i thought, okay, then i just let him go, see, it's done, i don't care about him, no more pain!! he's nothing to me he can't hurt me! but then turns out that i can't do that, because now that he's dead to me, i have to mourn him. i can't let go, family doesn't work like that! haha silly me!

so i miss the father i never had, and will never have, so much. it's worse that i have no connection to him, in a way, than if it was a love-hate thing. i think it makes sense that i'd latch onto dean winchester's intense connection to his father. i'm envious as fuck :)) <3

i hope you got a bit of a look into what compels me about dean and john. if you have any questions though, if something wasn't clear, i'm happy to explain anything!!

#someone could totally be compelled by dean n john if they had a similar relationship with their dad #or if they took up the same place in their family as dean did. eldest sisters calling themselves dean-coded and stuff #that's not me though 🥴#dean & john #rambles #ask

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neroushalvaus · 5 years ago

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@starlene tagged me to share five of my favourite male characters. Thank you for the tag ♥ Like her, I’m going to tell you in detail why these are my favourite boys. Bear with me! These are not in any strict order, except for the first one, he will always be the number one in my heart.

1. Javert, Les Misérables

When I first read Les Misérables I was so fascinated by Javert’s character. Javert is the complete opposite of "a bad cop antagonist”, he follows the law to a fault and in a book like Les Mis, in which the society is the real villain, that is his personal failing.

His integrity is also kind of touching to me. The way he will believe a nun that’s known not to lie, even when he should be doubting her words, and the way Javert himself never tells a lie, even when he’s supposed to act as a spy. He really has “nothing ignoble about him”, as Hugo says. Also how when he sees the error in his ways, his last act is to criticize the system he has upheld.

Javert is such a sad character. His parents were possibly as downtrodden as Valjean, so he grew up to be someone who believes he’s doing the right thing, even when he’s trampling the ones society has already abandoned. That is a true tragedy and it never stops being interesting to me.

2. Lehto, Tuntematon sotilas

Oh boy. Possibly my worst son. He is a character from this one Finnish war novel, who doesn’t like anything or anyone and has a giant chip on his shoulder from god-knows-where. He is considered grim and nasty by his peers, he hates the authority and gets anxious when anyone talks about spirituality or patriotism. In other words, I love him.

Don’t get me wrong, once again we have a bad person here. He torments this one guy simply for being scared (and like, they are in war so what the fuck my dude), once he kills someone just because, and he in general never does anything nice for anyone. But then again, he’s only twenty-one in the book and he does not live long enough to learn and I would like to see him growing. I’m also interested in his past of which we only know that he has been “alone” since he was a child. And there is something very appealing about his defiant personality. As my psychologist mother said after seeing 2 minutes of Lehto in one movie adaptation, “boys like that are not good at expressing themselves that well, he needs understanding and support”. So yeah... I have a soft spot for this guy.

3. Hercule Poirot, Agatha Christie’s Poirot

I really don’t know what this sweet little man is doing on this list. I’ve liked Poirot since I was a child but I feel like I for a long time didn’t quite understand how well written his character is. I’m mostly talking about the books and David Suchet’s iconic portrayal, but I also really really liked the new ABC Murders with John Malkovich. Poirot’s backstory really did it for me, it made so much sense and put a whole new spin in this character.

In general I just love Poirot’s manner of speaking and his little quirks - how persnickety he is, his pickiness with food, how polite he is and his dramatics, especially when he gathers all the suspects together and lets them hear it. I love how in Christie’s novels he uses people’s prejudices against foreigners to his advantage, kind of like Marple uses the fact people usually are not too cautious around little old ladies. My favourite thing about Poirot, especially in Suchet’s portrayal, is his empathy and how that makes him a better detective. He can feel for victims and culprits alike, and he is great at figuring motives because he talks to people and sees what makes them tick. I love this man and his little gray cells.

4. Thomas Barrow, Downton Abbey

Bad boys are back, alright! Or you know... Misunderstood boys. Silly boys. Boys who get hurt every time they let someone in and that feeds their rage so they say “I’ll do it on my own”... Julian Fellowes really thought he could make an evil gay servant and people would just be like “okay so that one’s a jerk, can we see more of Lady Mary’s love life now?”. But he went and cast RJC and accidentally wrote the most interesting character in the whole Classist Propaganda: The TV Show.

Thomas Barrow is a complicated character and that makes him so appealing to me. He seems to be tough and cold, but he’s also very sensitive and many of the bad things he does are motivated by jealousy or hurt. He is clever and driven, but he can and most certainly will make bad decisions. Characters in the show think he’s heartless, but he likes being around children and when he falls in love with someone, he falls hard and fast. He’s also hopelessly devoted to those near him. I guess one of the big reasons I like Thomas so much is that he’s so severely mistreated by the show. He gets repeatedly punished for even small things he does, whereas other characters can do worse things and other characters and the mainstream audience still like them. I guess that makes me kind of protective of him, and willing to read a thousand fics about how he gets everything he has ever wanted in life.

5. Gregory House, House M.D.

I’m on my House binge once again and let me tell you - Season One Dr House is actually a good guy? Like sure he’s sarcastic and irresponsible and wants to do things his own way and throws a hissy fit when he doesn’t get his way, but in so many ways he is actually nice. That, of course, changes when the show marches on, but who said all character development has to be positive?

I like hospital dramas and I like detective shows, therefore I love House M.D. And this is a rare case in which the main character in a series is the most interesting one. I also love Wilson, but I relate to him a bit too much in certain ways (the internet says it’s because we’re both INFJ) for him to be that enjoyable for me. But House is interesting and once again, complicated. Making this list is making me once again face the fact I like characters who have a strict set of rules for themselves. House is a textbook example of Chaotic Neutral, but like it’s said in the series, his work is motivated by doing what he thinks is right. And it’s really important to him to be right himself. What I also like about him is that even though he is a typical “genius jerk”, he actually consistently gets called out on his behaviour. We get to see how his behaviour is the reason he has only a handful of meaningful relationships and why being like him is nothing to be proud of. A cool drinking game, take a shot every time he’s described as “miserable”. Have fun.

Huh, that was a lot. Let’s tag some people! @obiskus , @juniper-pompadour , @trevardes and @violasmirabiles , share your favourite boys, if you feel like it! Feel free to either just say the names or ramble like I did :’)

#now i want to make a girl list as well #me writing this: ''you know i love you boyyyy in every single way ~''#why is ''an angry aries'' my type in characters #//#///#/////#tag memes #veetee selittää #javert #lehto #poirot #thomas barrow #house md #message me for top 10 milves

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williamsockner · 5 years ago

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I saw your comments about country music on the Chicks thread and I’m curious about your opinion. I grew up on country music and feel like “9/11 killed country” is pretty valid. But I’d love to hear your take because I miss it [country music].

Hi! So, my major issue with the “9/11 killed country music” post, as someone who listens to a ton of musical genres but has both a history of and soft spot for country, is that it’s a reductive, cherrypicking way to define an entire massive genre based on a handful of individual songs and high-profile artists that had their heyday at this point nearly two decades ago (Toby Keith, Big & Rich, etc.). It’s a very slanted read on pop radio country, and it’s not even remotely accurate to quantifying the broader genre.

It’s just bizarre that people allow their idea of the whole genre to be molded by a spate of reactionary right-wing songs that found traction immediately after 9/11 and then largely lost dominance in the genre. Most country songs on the radio are not about jingoism - they’re still about a lover done you wrong, or drinking after a hard day’s work, or finding happiness without much money, or teenagers in love, or about the tragedies of alcoholism and domestic abuse, or appreciating your small town, as so much of this genre has always been. If you look at the top 10 right now, there isn’t a patriot song in the whole thing (although two of the songs have overtly Christian references, but that’s always been part of country music too). The militaristic patriotism songs tend to just be one or two songs a year that end up in heavy rotation around the fourth of July and in September, but they get outsized attention comparatively because they’re so offensively grating.

And even after 9/11, for the last two decades most country songs on the radio still haven’t been “nationalist pop with twang”. Yes, in the 2000’s we had “Courtesy of the Red White and Blue” and “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning” and “American Soldier”, but this was also LGBT+ supporter Shania Twain’s* and avowed Democrat Tim McGraw’s imperial phases, the era of “Before He Cheats” and “Concrete Angel” and “Red Ragtop”, the years that made a Blake Shelton song about breaking out of prison his calling card and gave Miranda Lambert a massive hit with a song about burning her abuser’s house down.

This isn’t to say that country is progressive. Country music has a major problem with being dominated by straight white men, and even straight white women spent several of the last years underrepresented** (to say nothing of LGBT+ artists and artists of color). But that issue predates 9/11, as does the whitewashing of country’s history; the aforementioned Ken Burns documentary does go into how white country musicians forced black musicians out of the scene and erased their accomplishments going back decades before 2001. “Proud to Be an American” and “God Bless the USA”, for the record, were recorded in 1980’s.

Country, as a genre, does lean more conservative than many other genres, but it still holds a wide array of political viewpoints, even on the pop charts. I’m not just talking about indie alt-country darlings, although I’ll get to those in a minute - even pop country megastars are a varied bunch. Eric Church, who currently has a hit on the top 10, just dropped a scathing track called “Stick That in Your Country Song” that cusses out underfunding schools and mass incarceration; Luke Bryan got a #1 hit in 2017 with a chorus that included “I believe you love who you love and ain’t nothing you should ever be ashamed of”; Carrie Underwood pinned an entire album and tour cycle around a single about escaping domestic abuse and recently released a song criticizing gun proliferation; Kacey Musgraves won a CMA for her hit single where she criticizes slut-shaming and encourages women to “kiss lots of boys or kiss lots of girls if that’s something you’re into”, then she won a Grammy for an album where she sings about smoking weed and dedicates an empowerment anthem to the LGBT+ community; Miley Cyrus had an explicitly bisexual song on her most recent “back to her roots” country album; Tim McGraw discussed running for governor of Tennessee as a Democrat and threw his support behind Obama way back during Obama’s 2008 campaign. I’ve been relatively unplugged from country radio for the last few years, but this is all stuff relatively off the top of my head.

And that moves us to alt-country. I die a little inside whenever someone says that they “just mean radio country” when they say they “hate country music”, because alt-country is just the tits. It just is. It’s the best. If someone says they listen to rock music, we don’t assume they only mean Nickelback and Shinedown - and yet somehow we’ve shut country out so much that we don’t even consider that there’s an entire world of the genre beyond what charts - and that world is rich and powerful and thoughtful and as valid a form of music as any other genre. Some favorites contemporary alt-country artists of mine (including some songs about immigration, opiate addiction, protesting war, sexism, agricultural exploitation, homophobia, one bashing Trump directly and even one about female cunnilingus): Courtney Marie Andrews, Ruston Kelly, Tyler Childers, Margo Price, Jason Isbell, Colter Wall, Ian Noe, Kathleen Edwards, Lydia Loveless, Lori McKenna, Amanda Shires, Ashley Monroe, Lucinda Williams, Over the Rhine, Samantha Crain, Shooter Jennings, Cam, John Moreland, Chris Stapleton, Lindi Ortega, Lavender Country, Cody Belew, Honey Harper, Lera Lynn, Nina Nastasia, Patty Griffin, Holly Williams.

The problem with the “9/11 killed country” attitude, to me, is that it’s a stance that requires limited knowledge of country that happened after 9/11 and a selective memory for the country that existed before 9/11. Jingoist country songs existed and found massive success before 9/11; more progressive country songs existed and found success after 9/11. Contrary to what people on tumblr seem to believe, the genre of country music was not just outlaw country, “Jolene” and Woodie Guthrie folk songs until Toby Keith came along; it was already highly Christian/gospel-influenced and highly patriarchal. And it was already full of goofy songs about getting drunk and partying and driving tractors, the predecessors to “bro country”.

I think, personally, we lose so much by centering “Courtesy of the Red White and Blue” and Florida Georgia Line as the first things we think of when we think about country music, because those songs and acts aren’t representative of the genre, or even of the pop country charts. We lose a lot because we lose sight of all the fantastic progressive or apolitical music in the genre, and we lose a lot because we ignore the sins of pre-9/11 country and the opportunity to critique its history of whitewashing, heteronormativity and cultural Christianity by likening it to some sort of good ol’ days.

Thank you for letting me ramble!

*I’m aware of Shania’s ignorant-ass Trump comments, but those reflect more recent political developments for her and came with a hasty retraction.

**Although lol the pop, rock and rap charts have all been brutal to women for the last several years.

#music #country music #i have a lot of feelings about country music #this got long #not-quite-wild

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geronimo-11 · 4 years ago

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john & casey for the ship thing? :3

Of course! Thank you so much for asking! :)

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

How did they first meet?

-Casey met John when she went in to work a shift at the Spread Eagle one night. He had been sending offers to buy her family’s house to her mother, who has early onset Alzheimers, and eventually started sending men over when he didn't get a response. He - unintentionally - scared Casey's mother to death and it pissed. Her. Off. So, when Mary-May told her who he was, Casey walked over to him and made sure he knew he and his men were entirely unwelcome at their house.

What was their first impression of each other?

-Casey thought John was a cocky jackass. John thought Casey was attractive, but also bold, stubborn, and even a bit naive.

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

-Yes and no. None of Casey's friends in the Resistance wanted them to get together. They knew that the two of them had had some weird fling before everything went to shit, but they all assumed Casey had put it behind her after Joseph's arrest. Jacob was against their relationship from the beginning. He didn’t want John and Casey involved in something that would end up in them both getting hurt. It would piss him off and break Joanna's heart. Joseph was a little too eager for Casey and John to get together. He knew there was something special about this new Deputy, and after his vision about John's death he was absolutely on board with his little brother being with someone who could love him and teach him how to love. Joanna didn't know anything about their relationship until Casey told her after the Reaping had started, and she was too shocked to really have an opinion.

Who felt romantic feelings first?

-John. He felt the first pull of attraction when she yelled at him in the Spread Eagle, and at first he just wanted to sleep with her. It's not until they get to know each other better that he realizes he may be feeling something more.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

-Casey does, because she has so many hang-ups about relationships in the first place, but also because of how complicated their relationship becomes after she tries to arrest his brother. She knows he's doing horrible things and that she shouldn't feel the way she does about him, but she also can't help it, either. John wants them to be together from the first instant Casey hints she may like him more than she originally let on, and he's very persistent about it.

If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

-Casey would probably groan and complain about how of course her soulmate would be the greasiest, cockiest bastard to ever set foot in Montana. "He's probably grinning about it right now. Smug son of a bitch." John would probably be more accepting. He would probably be more intrigued at the fact he has a soulmate in the first place than who it is. The Duncan's told him he was too full of sin for God to ever give him something as sacred as a soulmate, so he's certainly not going to let her slip away now.

GENERAL

Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

-I would say John, because he initiated all of their flirting, but Casey's the one who finally caves and says "okay yeah let's do this". They weren't public about their relationship, it mainly consisted of Casey spending nights and weekends at John's ranch and the two of them meeting in town by "coincidence" and having lunch or dinner together. Casey knows how quickly gossip in a small town spreads, and if their relationship didn't work out she didn't want there to be too much talk about how or why it ended. For the most part their relationship went pretty well. Casey was impressed with how easily John handled all of her shit, and when he stuck around she found herself opening up to him more and more. They had a bit of a falling out when she decided to leave for training so she could apply to the Sheriff's Department, and when she comes back and sees what Eden's Gate has done to the county, she knows for sure there's no way they can just pick up where they left off.

Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

-They don't technically have an "official" first date. John kind of corners Casey at the Spread Eagle one night -- she's not working, just hanging out -- and buys her dinner and a drink. It's the first night where they both sort of let their guard down and just talk.

What was their first kiss like?

-Intense, a little sloppy, and unexpected. It's during the Testy Festy and there's music playing, and Casey may have had one bourbon too many when she spots John trying to make his way through the mayhem. So she drags him over to dance. It's in the midst of trying to get John to actually dance with her that she realizes how blue his eyes are and hey, ya know what, he's actually really attractive, and she just... goes for it. It's a lot of pent up attraction mixed with alcohol.

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

-I feel like Casey is probably John's first love. I don't think he ever dated when he was in high school, the Duncan's probably strongly discouraged anything that could possibly lead to sin, and after they died he never really wanted a relationship. Just fling after fling to try and fill the void. Casey is the first person he ever takes the time to get to know, and let's get to know him, outside of his brothers.

What’s their height difference? Age difference?

-Casey is about 5'6", John is around 5'10", and there's a six year age gap between them (Casey is 27 and John is 32).

What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

-John never really gets to know Casey's mother that well, and she probably wouldn't remember him if he tried. He has a strained relationship with Joanna. Since Jacob and Joseph have both talked about her a lot, he knows she took care of him and his brothers when they were little, but he was too young to remember any of that. All he knows is that to him, at least, she's a stranger. And she's a stranger who is trying to get too close, too fast.

Casey finds Joseph creepy, and has little desire to get to know him any better than she already does -- no matter what Joanna and John tell her. At first, she has a mutual respect for Jacob. She's not crazy about him and they've never had a conversation long enough for her to form a solid opinion, but he cares about Joanna and that means a lot to her. After she's spent some time going through his trials, though, it's a different story. She hates how smug and superior he sounds, and she'd love nothing better than to punch him in his stupid ginger face. As for Faith, Casey likes her most out of all of John's siblings. Maybe it's the fact they're not really related.

Who takes the lead in social situations?

-John, but Casey doesn't mind. She'd rather not deal with it in the first place, and he's a naturally social person, so it works out.

Who gets jealous easier?

-This would have to be John, again. Like I said, Casey is the first person outside of his brothers that he's willingly let get close. When he sees her with other people he gets scared she'll find someone else and he'll get left behind.

LOVE

Who said “I love you” first?

-John did. It's after Joseph's arrest and Casey goes to his ranch to tell him off, and as he's trying to convince her to stay it just slips out.

What are their primary love languages?

-John: Physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving gifts -Casey: Words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time

How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

-They don't cuddle very often because Casey just can't sit still long enough. She also isn't big on physical touch, which is one of John's top three love languages and a source of many arguments discussions. She’s not totally against touch ever, just not all the time. However, if she's had enough to drink or she's just in the mood, Casey has no problem with a little PDA. Especially after everyone finds out they're together, she has a habit of just grabbing John and kissing him wherever they are if she's feeling it. John doesn't complain, but other people do.

What are their favorite things to do together?

-They love to spend time in John's hangar, music playing in the background, Casey working on her bike and John working on his plane. They'll spend hours in there just talking.

Who’s better at comforting the other?

-Neither of them are very good at comforting people, but they both make an effort to be there when they know the other is having a particularly hard day. Casey tends to ramble and stroke John's hair/hug him in order to distract him, and John will sit and listen while Casey vents about whatever is bothering her.

Who’s more protective?

-I'd say they're pretty equal. Neither of them have a problem with acting on their emotions (John is more calculated but still prone to emotional outbursts as we've seen) and if they think the other is in physical danger, or even being disrespected, they're quick to step in.

Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

-Casey prefers verbal affection while John prefers physical. They try and make sure the other feels wanted and loved regardless, but sometimes it's hard when John wants to cuddle and Casey just wants to talk.

What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

-I also have a playlist for them as well, so I'll try and stick to my top five songs from their playlist:

No Light, No Light by Florence + the Machine

Bitter Water by The Oh Hellos

It Will Come Back by Hozier

War of Hearts by Ruelle

Take Me to Church by Hozier

What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

-John uses the typical ones "My dear" and "Darling", but Casey doesn't really use nicknames. She might say "babe" or something, but she'll usually just call John by name.

DOMESTIC LIFE

If they get married, who proposes?

-John proposes in the bunker. They didn't have much in the way of rings, but after dinner in their room one night he just got down on one knee and asked her.

What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

-I don't even know if it could be considered a wedding, really. More a celebration with a very, very small ceremony. They have Joseph marry them, and Jacob, Joanna, and Faith are in attendance, but that's it.

How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

-They have one daughter named after Casey's mother, Marian "Mari" Seed. She's a bit of a spitfire and a daredevil like her mother, much to John's dismay, but she's more calculated about her actions, like John. Which, honestly, probably makes her stunts more dangerous than Casey's.

Do they have any pets?

-Pre-collapse Casey counted Boomer as hers. Post-collapse she just sort of feeds and takes care of whatever friendly animals come to their house, which drives John up the wall. He's not really a pet person.

Who’s the stricter parent?

-John, but only by a hair. It's mostly because he's trying to keep Mari from getting hurt or killing herself, and Casey's busy cheering on whatever stunt her daughter has come up with from the sideline. Any other time it's usually Casey.

Who kills the bugs in the house?

-Both of them, neither are really bothered by bugs.

How do they celebrate holidays?

-I'm just going to assume the rest of these will be happening post-collapse, so they celebrate as well as they can. Casey tries to scrounge together decorations, because holidays are important to her and John's never really had good experiences with holidays, and now they have Mari to think about. She does her best, with Joanna's help, to make every holiday at least a little fun.

Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

-John. He's not the type to sleep until noon, but Casey gets up too early in his opinion. Sometimes he just wants to lay in bed for a while and hold his wife, but it takes an awful lot of coaxing to do so.

Who’s the better cook?

-John, again. Not that Casey can't cook, John just happens to be better at it. She's more than willing to let him take the reigns, though.

#my ocs #oc asks #oc: casey rook #casey/john

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everythingoesnk · 5 years ago

Text

Once in Rockfield Farm (4/5)

summary; in this house we stan brian the hero

word count; 4 638

warnings; mary austin.

part 1

part 2

part 3

********

“Brian, can you get your fucking clogs out of the way?” Roger groaned, kicking them with the tip of his shoe.

“What’s gotten into you?” John complained, tired of his babyish behaviour.

“Don’t bother trying, Deaky” Brian said, sending Roger a look.

He wasn’t paying attention to them, perfectly displaying the lack of interest in carrying a conversation.

About you, you spent a lot of time with your friends lately, celebrating the successful end of the semester. All your hard work was rewarded, and you were finally clean and done with University.

There hadn’t been more opportunities to talk with you privately, and Roger wished you’d notice his efforts for things to go back to normal. It annoyed him that you always had something to do and wouldn’t find time to invest in him.

He fucked up everything saying he’d follow your suggestion to find another chick. It was childish and a mistake. He didn’t mean it and didn’t do it. He wanted to apologize and kept trying to do his bit, but you were closed off.

Excuses and excuses kept coming out of your mouth to avoid being alone with him.

Anxiety. That’s what you felt when recalling yours and Mary’s conversation.

Just the thought of Roger’s real intentions being the ones she addressed made you want to puke. You didn’t hate him or disliked him overnight, but you wouldn’t risk getting hurt.

Also, you’d been contemplating moving to America. Rockfield Farm’d become a vacation home rather than your residence.

Indifferent to your intentions to stay away from him, last Wednesday, Roger tried again.

He bought two tickets to attend a Romeo and Juliet play. He didn’t give two shits about Shakespeare or the performance, he just happened to hear you talk to John about how much you wanted to go. Turned out a guy called Gideon asked you first earlier that week to accompany him to that same bloody play. He could remember sympathy written on your face when he revealed you the plan.

Roger played it cool the best he could when you politely declined, justifying yourself saying you’d already agreed to go with Gideon.

“Maybe next time” he took a step back, staring down at his hands.

When you left the room he didn’t hesitate to tear the tickets into pieces.

“But I’m curious” John insisted.

“He’s angry because (Y/N)’s having a date tonight” Freddie half smiled.

Roger’s expression hardened. Freddie’s grin was no longer there.

“Oh, Rog” he pouted.

“What’s going on, Fred?” Brian asked in an undertone, leaning closer to Freddie.

John joined the little circle after looking briefly at Roger, who was peering through the window and susurrating something under his breath.

“Our sweet child is lovesick. Tonight was supposed to be his date with (Y/N), but she rejected him”

“She didn’t reject me” Roger claimed through gritted teeth. “Gideon happened to be faster”

Pronouncing this stranger’s name burned his tongue.

“It doesn’t mean it’s a date” Brian guessed. “I wouldn’t lose sleep over it, Roger”

He shook his head.

"She chose him over me, I'll get over it," he thought saying it out loud would make the statement sound easier.

“(Y/N) adores you, Rog. It’s not that deep, trust me” Freddie assured.

“What have I missed?” John asked.

“Something happened in the pub we don’t know about” Brian commented.

The image of Mary dragging you to the bathroom by the wrist sparked his curiosity. He was the only one apart from Roger who saw it, and he didn’t mention it to anyone.

Roger stopped listening somewhere around Freddie's words concerning drama and paid exclusive attention to what was happening outside.

An unfamiliar car that could only belong to Gideon pulled over in front of the house. He saw you climb out with him and head to the door.

“Hey, baby!” you hugged Sherlock after walking in and taking your coat off. “How’s my favourite boy doin’? Oh my God yes, I love you too my baby prince”

Sherlock barked happily a few times.

Hearing his paws against the floor, quickly running to announce your arrival to Her Majesty, made you smile from ear to ear.

“Sherlock ignored you totally”

“It’s fine. Can we go to your bedroom?”

“Okay”

The four of them heard the conversation.

Roger froze, and the others wanted the Grim Reaper to take them in time to escape the awkwardness.

Leaning with your shoulder against the living room door frame, you took off your heels.

“Hey guys," you greeted, undoing your ponytail and shaking out your hair.

“Hi, (Y/N)” John and Brian responded in unison.

“How’d it go?” Freddie asked straight forward.

Roger chewed his bottom lip, incapable to keep his eyes off you. The way the fabric of your jeans hugged you was distracting, but as soon as Freddie made sure to try and collect information, his eyes and ears snapped upwards to hear every single word of what was going on around him.

“Horrible” you announced. “The play exquisite, amen to that, but we had a large family with children behind us that wouldn’t shut up”

It wasn’t after your rambling that you saw Roger standing in one corner. His jersey was so tight you could appreciate a tiny hint of his belly button.

You stared at each other for a bit: you sent him a mini smile that he didn’t respond to. On the contrary, his lips pressed together.

He was jealous.

So fucking jealous.

He felt like one big wolf caged, ready to storm out as soon as someone were to release him.

You got your eyes back on Freddie, colour mounting in your cheeks at the excruciating gaze Roger put you to test.

“This is Gideon, guys. Old friend of mine” you said, patting his shoulder.

Brian was the only one to say hi this time. John and Freddie simply nodded with a smile, Freddie pouring wine into a glass.

Sprawled across the sofa now, Roger looked imperturbable. He kept on twirling a drumstick and stealing quick looks at Gideon: he had his head shaved off, he was bony and very quiet around new people.

At 6:45 a.m. the next day, Roger woke up due to a bad dream of his drumkit being set on fire by accident because of Freddie.

Patting Sherlock’s head along the way, Roger’s steps took him to the kitchen to get some water.

Eyebrows furrowed as the light was switched on already, he couldn’t believe his eyes when Gideon turned it off and almost bumped into him in the hallway.

“Oh. Sorry, lad”

Had he spent the night here?! With you?! Roger didn’t speak for a few seconds.

“What are you doing here?”

“I stayed over for the night. I’m leaving in the morning… don’t worry” Gideon said, perfectly aware that the drummer didn’t appreciate his presence.

God, Roger was so obvious.

Gideon left to go back to sleep and Roger considered crashing his head into the wall.

Shoulders deflating and hands on his face, he understood it was time to give up on you. You pushed him to no other option.

An enormous impulse to stab a knife through Roger’s chest was dangerously growing inside you for the fiftieth time in the last half an hour. It sent your brain reeling how dumb he could be on purpose.

Jumping onto your bed, you reached for a magazine and started to flip through the pages, not really reading any of it. It was for the best, you needed to distract yourself or you’d indeed end up doing something stupid.

His ‘rocker’ habits started to get up your nose. You lost count of the number of times you told him not to bring home any of his bootlicker groupies.

You were already doing them a huge favour, but that's abusing your trust on large-scale.

There was a soft knock on the door.

Just like everyone could recognize someone’s footsteps after living together for some time, you could also tell who was behind such gentle noise.

“Come on in, Bri, come and fucking help me count to ten. Suddenly I don’t know anymore” you tossed the magazine away. It landed on top of the mountain of clothes scattered on the floor.

Lying now on your belly with your face against the pillow, you sensed the bed sank a bit when he took a seat next to you.

“You know,” he spoke, “it will only make things worse if you let him get to you like that”

“Oh, that’s rich” you snapped. “He’s been pushing my buttons for weeks now. I’m human, of course I’m gonna end up exploding”

Brief pause of you chewing your gum and Brian rubbing his thumbs against each other.

“I haven’t exploded yet, though” you reconsidered. “He better stop testing me”

“You’re just proving my point” Brian laughed.

You turned your head in his direction and shot him a look.

Brian patted your back with encouragement.

“How about I take the evening off and we go for a bike ride? Would that cheer you up?”

“Yes!” you cried, getting up.

A little getaway sounded marvellous.

Besides the fact that spending time with Brian was one of your favourite things to do ever since you met him, it was a beautiful day outside. Too beautiful to waste it indoors. The sky was entirely blue, not a single cloud spoiling the bright rays of sunshine from shining.

“The boys won’t mind?” you asked.

“We’ve been locked in the studio for days, not a single break. Freddie’s working hard in a new piece on the piano, John surely needs some time off too, and Roger’s keeping himself entertained. They won’t even notice I’m gone” Brian explained.

“Maybe John wants to join us” you added, looking for a most comfortable pair of boots.

“I don’t know, I’ll go ask him”

After lacing up your shoes you reunited with Brian downstairs and smiled widely when you saw John standing next to him, although disappointment overtook your face when Brian pouted at you. John wasn’t tagging along?

“Deaky?”

“Freddie asked me first to go shopping with him, sorry” he welcomed you in his arms when you opened yours to embrace him. “Everyone wants to hang out with me and I can’t please everybody at once” he winked at you.

“Brian told me he was gonna lock himself up with the piano the whole day, huh?”

Brian’s mouth curved into an apologetic smile, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“I deserve to treat myself too, my dear” Freddie sang, going down the stairs with his characteristic grace and a triumphant smug look.

The four of you started discussing your plans for the rest of the day.

They were going to the mall, seeing as Freddie wanted to renew his wardrobe. John was okay with the idea of rating outfits, but everything was a good excuse to go out and relax the mind a little, overwhelmed by having worked so many weeks non-stop. The album was almost done, and Rheid already mentioned to them something about touring Japan after the launch.

Perhaps they could find something interesting to wear on stage.

Bri and you preferred to get on the bikes and ride aimlessly instead, seeking some peace.

They headed to the van and Brian excused himself saying he needed to go to the bathroom.

You were gently tossing your hair in front of the round mirror hung on the main hall waiting for him, trying to tame the baby hairs that were all over the place.

You heard the clacking of heels approaching, and within seconds a stunning blonde doll was behind you.

Staring at each other in the glass, she bit her inside cheek, her gaze making it clear that she was mentally criticizing your appearance.

She felt special? She wasn’t, you wanted to tell her. The fourth one in a week maybe?

“Can I help you?” you began with one eyebrow raised.

“I was just leaving”

She took one step forward and wiped off the smeared lipstick around her lips.

“Roger’s asleep” she informed, chin up as she cleaned herself.

“Good to know”

She held her purse in between her arm and hip and gave you a half smile.

“Nice house” she smiled and clucked her tongue.

You didn’t respond and waited for her to get out of your sight.

When she closed the door, you let out a grunt.

“Roger Taylor, you’re a fucking pain in the ass” you condemned with your eyes shut, and flinched at the unexpected contact of a big hand on your shoulder, opening them.

Brian.

"I grabbed a few snacks and two bottles of water," he said contently, turning over himself a little for you to actually see his stuffed backpack.

You chuckled. What would you do without this precious soul?

“We’ll be gone for less than two hours, Bri”

“Just in case”

You stroked his chin fondly, getting a beautiful smile from him in return, and both walked out without worrying about leaving a note for Roger in case he woke up and saw the house empty.

Much to your amazement, you finished the supplies Brian had brought with him. Stopping at one of the bars in the nearest port before returning to Rockfield Farm was his idea.

People were enjoying the soft breeze of the first moments of the night before it was too cold to be outside.

"(Y/N)?" Brian asked softly.

You took the beer to your lips.

Brian sighed.

“What happened between you and Roger? I know he can be a little bitch sometimes, but you guys were together all the time and now—“

"It was a misunderstanding"

“Misunderstanding? What was a misunderstanding?”

Brian looked startled. Nothing was clicking.

Out of the blue, Mary’s intrusion to yours and Roger’s heated moment in the club seemed to be gaining weight for him.

“That day in the pub,” he started, and you turned your head away holding your breath, “what happened?”

"Nothing," you said, picking at your nails absentmindedly.

That wasn't enough for Brian.

"Look at me"

You did.

“Are you lying?”

“What would that get me?" you answered with a question, avoiding saying a resounding ‘no’.

"I don't know," he responded, resting his elbows on the table and framing his hands on either side of his face.

A personality trait of yours and many people, you hoped, was that you didn’t enjoy lying to the people you loved, and since you were aware that what you said wasn’t true to an extent you didn’t want to deny it again to try to convince him.

Everyone saw you and Roger flirting, but what happened between you and Mary was yours and Mary’s business. And possibly, just possibly, Roger’s.

“He’s been acting weird since…,” he looked up to the sky, mentally counting, “since that day you brought Gabriel home”

Putting your head in your hands for the slightest second, you wished Brian’d shut up and talk about anything but this. You didn’t even tell him he fucked up the boy’s name.

You folded your arms dropping back on the seat and chose to not open your mouth.

“You know it’s because he thinks you fucked him, right?” Brian sentenced.

He didn’t want you to think he was blaming you or insinuating anything. You were free to do the heck you wanted to do. He was just pointing out the obvious.

“I do”

Brian didn’t say anything.

“I do, and… But what if I did? It’s my life. I don’t owe Roger anything” you answered, spreading your arms.

He remained silent and just kept on listening to the words erupting out of your mouth.

“It’s not like we were dating. Why’s he so butthurt? I’m not stupid. I know he’s bringing those girls just to provoke me”

“Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Fuck Gabriel?”

“Fuck no. We’ve known each other since we were four, and we happen to meet up every now and then. He’s moving to Dublin soon with his sister. It’s a tradition that he stays over when he pays me a visit. It’s not like there was a single room available, y’know” you hinted, and Brian quickly nodded. Yep, because of them. “That’s what we did, Brian. Talk and fall asleep. And Roger instead of asking keeps fucking Barbie after Barbie. Fuck him, really”

“Sure”

“Sure what?” you snapped, irritation clear in your voice.

Brian succeeded in hiding a smirk.

“Screw him. He deserves it”

You looked at him as if he were fooling you. You really didn’t know where the conversation was going anymore.

“Screw him for living his life like you’re doing”

Ouch.

You blushed violently.

“That’s…”

"You're jealous, (Y/N). It's alright, love. Roger's being a jerk. What I find strange," he said back with a worried face, the tone in his voice making it clear that he knew you knew what he was referring to but were refusing to tell him, "is that in the beginning it was you giving him the cold shoulder. He came to me, you know, asking if I had the tiniest clue of what was going on”

Jesus, if Brian’s goal was to make you feel like trash, he was doing the job quite good.

“It’s totally fine if you don’t want to tell me,” Brian spoke, lowering his head and glancing at your fingers grasping the beer bottle tight, “but things are the way they are because you’re being stubborn and dishonest with each other”

“Bri, you’ve got to stop” Mary laughed timidly, hella uneasy due to Brian’s cold gaze upon her.

Brian, John and Mary were chilling downstairs waiting for you. Freddie and Roger were in the studio instead, having a laugh and playing around. They were all looking their best just for you. It was the 19th, your long awaited graduation day. It felt dreamlike to you, but it was finally here.

Nothing and no one would ruin it.

“Are you proud of yourself?” Brian questioned in a tranquil tone.

“What?” she put her brows together.

John, sitting with one leg over the other, lowered the newspaper and stared at them over the rim of the page.

“Don’t be silly, Mary. Whatever you said to (Y/N) that day in the pub, you messed everything up”

Mary was surprised that Brian came at her like that. They never argued, never. But she could tell the subject mattered to him.

Shifting on her feet, she hesitated where to start.

“Seeing as you care so much about (Y/N), like I do," she reiterated, "you should know that I made her a favour"

“Who are you to interfere, Mary?”

“C’mon, you know Roger better than I do and know that he doesn’t take commitment seriously“

“I asked you one thing. Who are you to interfere?”

Mary’s face went blank. She looked at John, but he quickly hid behind the newspaper only to peek at her again as soon as her eyes met the ground.

“For Christ’s sake, Mary! Who are you to interfere!” Brian shouted, pushing for an answer.

She clenched her fists.

“What’s happening here?” Freddie’s voice interrupted.

Both turned their heads at him, surprised that he was back so soon.

“Nothing” she hurried to say, and sent Brian a pleading look.

"Nothing?" Brian asked sarcastically, his voice raising a bunch of octaves.

Freddie and Roger stepped further into the room.

When Roger’s eyes connected with Brian’s, he knew something important concerning him was the main topic.

His eyes wandered between him and Mary.

Brian gestured her to speak.

She'd never felt this way before, since a mighty character was one of her many strengths. A woman with little hesitations. Roles changed, though. She couldn't even dare to give Freddie a fast glance, afraid that he'd hate her for this. She truly cared about you a lot, and clearly wasn't fond of Roger. She thought she was doing the right thing.

You and Freddie were the ones who mattered to her the most in the world, and losing you both because of this drama would destroy her.

Roger, fed up of so much suspense, proceed to move closer to Mary. He stared right into her eyes.

“What have you done?” he asked with an alarming and shocking put together voice, to which Mary consequently felt goosebumps run through her spine.

It was now or never.

“I encouraged her to stay away from you. I assumed you just wanted to…” she made a vague gesture with her hand, “and I didn’t want her heart to be broken because of you”

“Mary!!” Freddie gasped.

Temperature in his body building up, and face as red as the blood boiling in his veins, Roger’s hands went to rub the back of his neck where one vein was perilously showing.

John took a long sip of his drink, not really prepared for shit to go down now.

“You… you…” Roger didn’t know how to put into words everything that he wanted to say.

Mary’s lower lip started trembling. Freddie didn’t like one bit seeing her so vulnerable, but he couldn’t force himself to feel sorry for her when he didn’t.

“Christ, are you going to cry now? You’re fucking sick in the head” Roger sassed, exasperated.

The colour drained out of Mary's face yet again due to the embarrassment he was putting her through.

“Fuck you. You don’t know anything about me or my feelings” Roger cursed.

“They sure aren’t that strong when you’ve been fucking women here, in her bloody home!” Mary lectured, hoping to win some confidence in her speech.

“I DIDN’T FUCK THEM! I brought them only to end up kicking them out every time because I couldn’t!” Roger snapped, tightening his expression. “I like her too much!”

The room fell silent.

Roger stared at his mates with arms slightly raised at the quietness. His gaze paced between all of them, who couldn’t articulate a single sound even if they tried. He then turned to Mary and snapped a finger at her with threatening eyes.

“Now I’m gonna go upstairs and explain everything to (Y/N), and you better don’t interrupt us, got it? You already did enough”

"Rog, I think she does get it," Freddie said coming at Mary's rescue, worried that he might spit at her.

“Let her speak, she has a mouth, right? A fucking stupid dirty mouth that should’ve been kept closed”

“Talk to me with respect, you asshole!” Mary screamed angrily.

“You didn’t earn it!!!!” he growled.

John cleared his throat loud and clear in an attempt to make them shut up in time.

“Guys?”

Five heads snapped at the bottom of the stairs, where you were.

Barefoot but dressed in the pastel blue dress Roger gifted you what seemed like an eternity ago. Your hair wasn't done yet, up in a bun so it wouldn't get in your way when doing the makeup.

Tugging at her earring, Mary’s face dropped, embarrassed.

As soon as Roger’s eyes landed on you, his legs turned to jelly.

He didn’t think twice: in a hurry he grabbed you by the arm, basically dragging you out of there, until you were both locked up in your bedroom, and murmured an apology when slamming the door by accident.

Seeing as his lighter didn't want to cooperate plus the agonising need to smoke, Roger began to hiss barbarities under his breath.

“What’s the matter? We have to leave in twenty minutes” you said, sitting down.

“No, get up”

“What? I don’t want to, I have to—“

“Please, get up. I can’t speak to you if we’re uneven”

You did as told, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Fine. I’m standing up now”

Anchoring your attention discreetly on his body language, you came to realize that whatever was holding him back was causing him so much trouble.

He drew nearer to you, but regretted it and stepped away. You straightened and gave a very short laugh, impatient.

“Roger”

“Do you still regret what happened in the pub?”

“What does this have to do with… anything, now?” you blurted out with difficulty, hot in the face.

It was the first time you were talking about it when sober.

Roger jerked his head towards you, staring intensely.

“Does it matter?” you breathed, saddened, learning that he wanted a much more elaborated response you didn’t have.

“Of course it fucking—“ Roger stopped there and decided to start again. “Of course it matters”

Because you didn’t know where he was going, you didn’t speak. Roger continued.

“I don’t expect you to care, but I’ve got a few things I want to clear up”

He looked so desperate you found no choice.

“I’m listening”

“Honestly, I… God, you’re so smart but so stupid at the same time”

You blushed. Dude… what the?

“I… I care so much about you, and you don’t even seem to notice shit”

He paused and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Those girls I invited over I didn't do anything with"

“Woah, not even a blowjob? Hard to believe so. The last one fucking came to me with a… triumphant smile, and swollen lips, and… Ugh”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Maybe I made out with one. But that’s it, we only kissed. I was drunk, I can’t even remember her face. Believe me. One of them even punched me for dumping her before she could even unzip her dress”

You laughed at that but quickly covered your mouth. You were supposed to be serious about this, you couldn’t just laugh like that!

Roger shook his head but smiled a little.

“(Y/N),” he called, back to the relevant stuff. “Mary told me everything. Now I get it when you thought that staying away from me was the best option. My reputation doesn’t help, I know”

His eyes were incredibly soft.

There was an intense wish to deny it, to convince yourself that you weren’t thrilled about him opening up to you. Who could you fool? That’s everything you ever wanted from him. But you couldn’t allow yourself to give in. There was no way that this would have a happy ending.

He sighed deeply.

“I miss you. Talk to me again, I can’t bear it anymore. Next time I’ll be nicer to Gideon, I promise. But if he hurts you I won’t hesitate to kill him” a tormenting sentiment devoured him whole as he confessed.

You shook your head.

“There’s nothing between Gideon and I. A boy and a girl can be friends, Roger”

“But you slept together and I thought—“ he replied with flushed cheeks.

“We. Did. Nothing” you reassured him.

Shame drawn on his face, he nodded and you clapped your hands upfront.

“My turn”

Roger cocked his head in your direction questioningly.

“I’m moving to New York by the end of the season, approximately”

He first looked at you unblinkingly and then stared off into space.

“You can't," he said after a while pursing his lips, breath hitching in his throat.

"What do you mean ‘I can't'?" you asked suppressing a shy chuckle, your heart suddenly pounding vigorously in your chest.

“You can’t leave like that”

“Well… I’ve got nothing to look forward here”

Mouth set in a hard line, a new idea better than the one he had of buying you the dress held on to his conflicted mind. The light at the end of the tunnel didn't seem so far away now. He just hoped it all would work out as he wanted it too.

He checked his watch.

“If you don’t hurry up you’ll be late”

His attitude was confusing you. You slowly nodded.

“Are you alright, Roger? Your mood swings are scaring me”

“I am”

Your heart shook furiously at his following declaration.

“You look absolutely ravishing, love. Money well spent”

********

tagging; @sweetdaisys @multifics @incorrcctqueen @namelesslosers @benders-diamond-earring @mercurycrowley @ixchel-9275

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squirrel-moose-winchester · 6 years ago

Text

Chapter 19

Pairing: Dean x Reader AU

Word Count: 1844

Summary: With October ending and the holidays underway, that only meant one thing for Dean Winchester. It meant returning to his childhood home and spending time with his family. It meant listening to his parents, especially his mom, ramble on and on about when he was going to find himself a nice girl, bring her home for the holidays, and then eventually get married and have children. However, Dean wasn’t ready for that sort of commitment, so in order to get his family off his back, he comes up with an elaborate scheme! But like the saying goes, “sometimes lies become truths.”

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Some brotherly teasing.

A/N: Back to the angst again! But don’t worry... it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. I just hope it doesn’t disappoint. I know the build up was... intense, but i just hope you like it. Thanks for the support and sticking with me! I appreciate it so much! You guys are amazing! Love you all!! xx

The tension in the air was thick and everyone seemed to be on edge. There was an elephant in the room and it made the everything almost claustrophobic. You and Dean shared looks before shifting to Sam and Jess, the four of you communicating silently. Yeah… it was pretty uncomfortable, but no one knew how to begin to ask about what Mary wanted to tell Dean.

John was nonchalantly sipping his coffee while reading the daily paper, while Mary was busying herself by cleaning the kitchen. It made you wonder what exactly Mary had to tell Dean that was so important that he had to leave right after his classes were done. Was Mary hesitating because what ever it was had something to do with you?

Oh god… this was about you… what else could it be?

“I’m sorry,” you blurted. Everyone’s eyes fell on you, not quite understanding why you were apologizing. “I never meant to lie to you or to anyone!” You clenched your eyes shut, lowering your chin to your chest, unable to make eye contact. Dean’s eyes widened when he finally realized what you were going on about.

“Y/N, don’t. Relax,” Dean tried.

“Don’t tell me to relax,” you whisper-yelled, boring your eyes into his before turning your attention to your small audience. “It started out as a fake relationship, but eventually I found out that I’ve always been in love with Dean. Always. And I am so sorry. I hope you would forgive me. I didn’t mean to…”

“Easy, sweetheart,” John’s baritone voice soothed, “calm down, breathe. Tell us what you’re talking about.”

“It’s—it’s nothing,” Dean spoke for you.

“What do you mean—fake relationship?” Sam queried, his interest peaked.

Dean glared at his brother, who shrugged in response. Dean sighed knowing it was too late to turn back now. “Uh… well…” He didn’t know what to say. That was a secret he was hoping to keep to his grave.

“Dean?” Mary dropped her cleaning supplies and moved to the table, taking the empty seat between her husband and youngest. “What fake relationship?” This time her eyes shifted from Dean’s to yours, before back to his. Even John had set his morning paper down on the table waiting for an explanation.

“We’re waiting,” John stated, his domineering voice made you jump.

It was that moment that you began to reconsidered that maybe telling the truth wasn’t such a good idea, but it was too late. Dean slid his hand into yours under the table, giving you some sort of comfort and also seeking comfort from you too. Your grip tightened around his, finger intertwined while you tried to steady yourself and not think about how you had not only opened a can of worms, you picked it up and smashed it all over the floor.

“I lied to you…” you started just as Dean opened his mouth to speak. There was no turning back now. “And I’m sorry.”

“Honey, what are you talking about?” Mary asked, her voice soft and soothing. It held not a single ounce of anger, but you could tell she was confused. Everyone was.

“Thanksgiving. Me and Dean… we lied about being a couple.” All eyes were zeroed in on you and the silence was like knives slowing digging into you. You wanted Dean’s family to like you. You wanted them to accept you. You wanted to be a part of them, but now, you most likely lost all their trust. “I’m sorry. I wished I’d hadn’t lied to all of you. You probably don’t trust me any more and want to kick me out of your family—” Your voice cracked and tears started slowly rolling down your cheeks.

You had never really experience a family like this one. Yours was a disaster. And now you were going to lose the one family you wanted. And if Dean’s family hated you, you were sure that you were going to lose Dean too.

Dean wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close, as you buried your face into his chest. Sam was the only one in the family that knew about your past. Sam was Dean’s go-to when he talked about his college life and his friends. Sam knew about Castiel and his family, he knew about Benny who was born and raised in Louisiana, he heard all of Dean’s rants on their cousin Jo, Sam knew a lot.

“Hey, Y/N…” Sam spoke, “we would never kick you out of our family. You’re one of us now. Besides, you and Dean… it’s all real now, right?”

“Yeah, Sammy. It’s all real now,” Dean answered for you.

No one noticed, but John grinned, inwardly proud of his growing family. His kids may be idiots, but still, he was proud. Sam’s found his counterpart, and Dean’s found an honest woman that loved him.

“Well, as long as it’s real now, I don’t see the problem,” John stood from his seat and walking over to you and Dean, placing a hand on your head, softly stroking your hair. “Now stop cry Princess, it’s breaking my heart. When it comes to family, sometimes we fight, sometimes we lie, and sometimes we run away, but at the end of the day, we somehow find a way to make it right. You might have lied, but look at you now. You’ve told us the truth. It’s all going to be okay. We’re not mad. We’re glad. You’re honest, and that’s a respectable trait.”

Dean and Sam were shocked. They had never seen their father so gentle before, other than with their mom. Mary and Jess on the other hand smiled. Mary knew the man John was, and Jess could now see where Sam and Dean got their soft side from. Not from Mary, but John. It was a beautiful family moment.

“Honey,” Mary got out of her seat, planting herself on the little space left on your chair, pulling you into her arms. You hugged her tight. “We love you. And just as John said, you’re a part of this family now. The second I saw you with my son for the first time, I knew you were the one for him. It might had been fake to you and Dean, but to all of us… what we saw was not pretend. It was love. What would have made me angry is if you didn’t end up with my boy. But you did, and I plan to keep you as my daughter for the rest of my life.”

Your heart was overflowing. So much so, that you couldn’t stop crying. Even Dean was starting to get misty-eyed. “Dude! You’re not gonna cry are you?” Sam directed at Dean.

“Shut up!” Dean hissed.

Everyone in the room laughed, you included. All the weight fell off your shoulders and it was bliss. You were overjoyed to know that everyone had forgiven you, and that they were still welcoming you with open arms. This was a family you never wanted to lose.

“Seeing the support of our family, I think now is a good time to give Dean the news. Dean might need us. And with Y/N here, I know he’ll be in good hands.”

Everyone looked up at John. You might have cleaned up then can of worms you opened, but the elephant was still standing there and needed to be addressed. What could it be? If it wasn’t about you lying, then what? More importantly… why was the news for Dean and not everyone? Why would he need comfort from us? Was it going to be bad? You had no idea what to expect. No one did.

“What is it?” Dean asked, taking you away from his mom and settling you in his lap, his arms securely fastening themselves around your middle, almost like a child clinging to their comfort toy.

Mary shared a quick look with John before she motioned him over to something on the counter. All eyes were glued to John as he rummaged through a small drawer, pulling out a large manila folder. You could feel Dean’s heartbeat pulsing against your back – he was nervous, and you were nervous for him.

After John handed Mary the envelop, John took a few steps back, leaning against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over his chest. Mary held the envelop in question against her body, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath. When she opened them, they held a certain strength and determination. She was fearless, most likely trying to be strong for her family, but mostly strong for her son.

“First off, I don’t know if this will be a good or bad thing for you, but just know, we’re here for you. All of us.” No one understood what Mary was talking about, but we all just nodded in agreement anyways.

“If you’re going to tell me that Sam was adopted, I already know,” Dean joked, a defense mechanism of his.

“What?!” you and Jess asked, shocked and believing.

“Dean!” John and Sam reprimanded.

“This is not a joking matter,” John snapped.

“Alright, I’m sorry. I’m just a little nervous I guess. I mean why is this news just for me and not for all of us?” He asked. “Wait… are you trying to tell me that I was adopted?!” Fear instantly flooded his entire body and his grip around your waist tightened more, but not enough to be uncomfortable.

“You didn’t know?” Sam teased back.

“Sammy,” John cautioned, but the youngest Winchester just huffed, crossing his arms and falling back on his chair. Jess scowled at him and Sam quickly settled down.

Mary gave her boys and exhausted glare, shaking her head slightly in frustration. “Dean, you are not adopted. You boys are mine and John’s and I’ve the got videos to prove it. I’ve just got some information to show you.” Mary placed the envelop face down and passed it to Dean.

Dean picked it up, instantly noting the address name. Both your eye brows furrowed when you saw where it came from.

Lawrence Memorial Hospital.

“The hell?” Dean thought out loud before turning the envelop over to get to the flap. Sam fixated his vision on the address to confirm that it was the same manila envelop he had seen before, and it was. It was the same exact one.

“What is it?” Sam asked eagerly. John gave his son a hard stare making Sam recline back into his seat for the second time. Jess took his hand in comfort.

Dean flipped the flap open and pulled out a few papers, just enough to read a few lines at a time. As you read along with him, your stomach flipped. While Dean started hard at the information given, you looked up, meeting John’s stare first, then going down the line to Sam, Jess, and then Mary, who was still sitting in your seat.

“He—” you started, but you couldn’t finish what you were going to say.

“Ben’s not mine—” Dean muttered.

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velmalav · 6 years ago

Text

sister: part two {r.t.}

warnings: angst

synopsis: continuation of part one. reader is brian may’s sister and roger is secretly in love with her.

word count: 2.8k+

***

Tomorrow arrives in the blink of an eye. You stand outside of Roger’s flat with your hands in the pockets of your denim jacket, tapping a boot against the sidewalk. The sun is just rising – sky a pastel yellow and blue, the dreary morning air dewy and cold. You bask in the emerging sunlight until Brian’s car rounds the corner, instantly instilling a slight panic in the pit of your stomach. The feeling only worsens as he pulls up to the curb and steps from the vehicle, his body language less than welcoming.

“Bit early for this,” he complains, but holds his arms out to hug you anyway. You fall into him immediately, nose buried into his chest. His heart is beating equally as fast as yours, giving you a little peace of mind.

“I’m so sorry I let you down, Bri,” you spout immediately, unable to hold back the word vomit. You spent the whole night thinking of what you would say to him, yet you threw all those plans out the window the second your mouth opened. “I should’ve told you as soon as I’d made up my mind about school. There’s just been so much happening and I didn’t want to disappoint you. And telling Roger before you, God that was so stupid and I didn’t even mean to, but he knew something was up and I couldn’t-”

“Y/N, take a breath, would you?” Brian murmurs, a slight chuckle leaving his lips at your rambling. He curls his hands around your arms and pulls you from him, his features gentle now. “As upset as I was and still am, I was too harsh on you yesterday. I’m sorry for some of the things I said, for making you stay with Rog. I needed time to cool off.”

“I know,” you sigh, cheeks flushing in exasperation. “But you were right to be angry. I fucked up.”

Brian cringes at your swearing, but doesn’t vocalize his distaste. “I hope this means you’ve thought about going back next term. I’d still like you to go back to school. It’s what’s best for you right now.”

Your face drops at his assumption, eyes darting to the pavement. Always the observant one, your brother picks up on your body language - and he definitely knows that your minds are in entirely different places, yet he patiently waits for you to admit it.

“Actually, I don’t think it is. I’m going in blind, Bri, and everything just feels like a waste. What’s the point of going to school if I’m going to hate whatever it is I end up doing?”

“Then what are your plans, your highness? I hate to be the one to remind you how impractical this all is, what truly, what do you expect? The world to just stop and wait for you?” Brian questions, the same tone he used yesterday slowly resurfacing.

This time; however, you understand where he’s coming from. You know he only wants the best for you, and you know that your situation is undeniably impractical. Besides, you can only imagine how frustrating it must be for your sibling to tell you they’ve given up on their seemingly bright future for one completely unknown.

“I was hoping you’d have me on tour for now,” you begin, earning a double eyebrow raise and quiet scoff from Brian. It’s a lot to ask, especially the morning of, so the lingering acidity radiating off him now is far from surprising.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Y/N,” Brian exhales. And although his aura screams, ‘you’re utterly demented,’ you can feel the gears turning in his head. He’s actually considering it.

“Think about it, Bri. Our family is all about music. Dad worked for a record company, Grandma competed in all of those singing competitions, hell, even mum played the guitar for her girl band back in the day. Maybe that’s why nothing’s speaking to me! I could just watch behind the scenes and figure everything out and see what appeals to me the most.”

Brian grunts in frustration, hands traveling to rest on his hips and his head lowers to face the ground. When he looks back to you, his eyes are austere. “And what if you’re still unsure even after tour? What will you do then?”

Now the gears are turning in your own head, but the solution is clear. “I’ll go back to school. Just like you want me to,” Brian’s demeanor perks up.

“You’re serious about this,” he says it merely to convince himself, though you confirm it with a nod.

“As long as you’ll have me along. Just one chance is all I’m asking for.” In an act of compromise, you hold out your hand as if you’re in the midst of closing an important business deal.

Brian rolls his eyes and takes your hand in his, giving it a good shake. “Alright, you’ve got yourself a deal,” he concedes, a knowing smirk tugging at his lips. “But you’re going to be the one to tell mum. Even if you somehow find your true calling and become a bloody billionaire in the next seven months, she’s still going to murder both of us.”

You draw in a sharp breath at the mere thought of ringing her. “Yeah, that’s a conversation I can’t wait to have.”

Brian shrugs, a mockingly casualness washing over him. “Might want to wait until we’re a safe distance away before you make that call, sis.”

You decide to ride back to Brian’s with him after your chat, not so much as a word to Roger before you go. You know he’s still asleep, but the thought of him waking up alone ignites a sinking feeling in your chest. The feeling only perpetuates as you remember the other thing you need to disclose with your brother.

“Hey, Bri,” you murmur, head lolling against your seat. Brian’s eyes flicker over to you and then return to the road, humming in acknowledgement. “You’re not still angry at Rog, are you?”

Brian sighs as he turns right at a red light. “No, no. I mean it’s still a bit frustrating that he never told me, but I guess I understand. Probably should apologize to him, too, shouldn’t I?”

“Yeah, maybe,” you reply, hands a bit sweaty as you take a deep breath. Now or never. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about actually. About him,” you continue, watching his reaction closely.

“If it’s about what I said about you two getting too close, I’m sorry if that was awkward for you,” Brian apologizes again, teeth nipping at his bottom lip. You can tell he’s still milling over everything that happened yesterday.

Your mouth opens to diffuse his words, but he’s not finished. “Rog is family. I want you to feel comfortable telling him things, too. I know he’s like a second brother to you.”

You deflate, the sudden rush of confidence crushing under the weight of one single sentence. “Wouldn’t call him that, but yeah, I guess we’re close,” you whisper, scared that if you speak any louder Brian will hear the disappointment in your voice.

“Close is an understatement. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you guys were attached at the hip since birth,” Brian’s chuckling now, and you know he means it to be sweet, but you can’t help the intense tremble that runs down your back at his words. Somehow you manage to change the subject physically, even if your head is still mentally repeating the words “brother” and “attached since birth” over and over again.

The remainder of the car ride is tense, or at least to you it is. Brian doesn’t even notice and fills you in on the first show tonight in Manchester, but you’re hardly listening.

Your head is swimming in the memories of the previous night. Roger’s forbearing touch as he held you to him, fingertips running along your clothed stomach, eyes boring into yours as he told you all of the things he looked forward to for tour, one of them being having you along. His glowing smile as he did so. The way he would dip his head down to pepper heavy kisses on you, especially on the places where your skin tinted red.

It all felt so right last night, so why did all of it suddenly feel so wrong?

The tour bus is massive compared to the little cars passing it on the street, all black save for a splash of grey across the side. You, Brian, and Freddie are standing just outside of it waiting for Roger to show up. John’s already inside chatting with the driver.

“I’m absolutely delighted you decided to come along with us!” Freddie exclaims, pulling you in for a hug. You laugh against his shoulder as he pinches your ass, and with a wet peck on your cheek, releases you.

You turn to see Brian cocking a warning eyebrow at his band mate, to which Freddie responds with a wink. “Too bad I’ve got Mary with such a pretty little thing in my orbit,” he teases further, a hand slipping around your shoulder.

“Hands to yourself, Fred,” Brian forewarns, but he’s smiling to signal that he’s caught on to the joke.

“I don’t know if I can help myself, Bri,” Freddie dramatically gushes, his hand snaking into your braid. You roll your eyes with a fleeting laugh, wrapping an arm around his waist to further the teasing.

In a cruel twist of fate, Roger approaches from behind Brian, a giddy expression already on his face at the sight of you. He unfurls his arms like he’s about to request a hug when Brian cuts him off with a, “My sister’s off limits to everyone, if I have to remind you lot,” mainly at Fred, unknowingly informing the man behind him as well.

Roger’s face falls, arms descending to his sides. You simply stare down at the concrete to avoid his disheartening gaze. Your mind is racing. You are the one that initiated this, you think, and now you are the one ending it just as quickly. Your eyes are still fixated on your shoes when Roger finally speaks, voice a lot more chipper than expected. “Y/N’s joining us?” as if he didn’t know.

Brian nods, leaning against the tour bus. You glance up with a fake smile, one only Roger sees past as he practically drags you into a hug. His lips touch your ear, tone low, “Off limits to everyone?” he mutters, and as to not draw suspicion, forces an eager smile to his face when you break away.

You sadly stare at him, swallowing hard. When you’re sure the other boys aren’t looking, you mouth a quick apology, one he furrows his eyebrows at. John clambers down the steps of the bus and waves you all in, and as you file up and inside, you feel the familiar touch of Roger’s hand on your lower back. There’s an unspoken rigidity between you two – which is not surprising – as the bus rolls down the street, and you know you’re in for a stressful night.

You don’t realize just how chaotic things can be before a show until you are tossed into the middle of it. People run past you left and right, speaking orders to one another and dragging equipment from backstage to onstage, while others are double checking the lighting and sound. Everyone is so enveloped in their work that they don’t even notice you observing it all, peering over shoulders and even asking the less busy workers quick questions. It’s a madhouse, but it has certainly sparked your interest. The only thing uncertain is where to start.

When you run out of employees to annoy, you back yourself into a corner near the lighting deck. Your eyes follow the operator’s fingers as he memorizes his cues, his eyes stuttering on certain pages as his motions ghost over the controls. You stand on your tiptoes to get a better look at the page layout, to see if you could possibly understand the directions, but it’s too far out of reach.

You huff a bit and lean back against the wall, eyes drifting around the backstage area. Speakers are being rolled on carts, pieces of Roger’s drum kit also being moved to the stage. Your focus follows it, imagining it all set up, drumsticks pounding down on the cylinders, beer flying up. You remember seeing Roger doing that years before, at the only gig you ever witnessed Smile play. At first, you deemed it gross (mainly because Roger would jump off the stage and try to hug you while he was all sticky), but the more you thought about it, the more it intrigued you.

You’re so far in your thoughts that you almost don’t hear Roger approach. “Anything catching your eye?”

His features are impossibly still as he stares over at you, arms folded across his chest. You look to him wearily, a nervous pounding erupting in your stomach. There’s a moment of unexpressed tension that you swallow down swiftly; you hate confrontation, and you really don’t know what to expect from him right now.

You shrug. “Not yet. It’s pretty crazy right now.”

“Always is,” Roger says as he steps closer. He takes a quick look around, presumably to check if any of the boys are around, and then turns his complete attention to you. “Maybe next show we can get here earlier before all of the madness, so you can check everything out.”

“I’d like that,” a smile wanes at the ends of your lips, but deep down, you’re confused.

Why was he being so normal? After all, you did spend a four hour bus ride acting like he wasn’t sitting five feet away from you, like he hadn’t had you in his arms ten hours before, like everything was exactly how it had been the morning before.

Roger’s eyes flicker from yours down to your lips, and just like you’d expected from the beginning of this exchange, his expression falters. “I’m guessing your conversation with Brian didn’t go exactly as planned.”

You sigh, shaking your head. “No, not really. I went to tell him, and he said something about you being like my brother, and I just kind of panicked,” you explain, gulping.

Roger grimaces at the word just as you had earlier, eyes suddenly interested in everything but you. “So what’s the plan here?” he murmurs, meeting your eyes with a look of contrition. “Are you-are you going to tell him?”

Your mouth opens and closes repeatedly, mind messily searching for the right thing to say. But the truth is, there simply isn’t. “I don’t know how to do this,” you bite the inside of your cheek as you await his reaction.

“Do what?” Roger asks, eyes saddening even more. The question is pointless, because just like Brian said earlier, you two knew each other all too well. “Tell him about us or tell me that there isn’t an us?”

You run a hand through your hair and then down your face. It’s so frustrating, being in this position. You want to try things with Roger more than anything, but the idea of it ruining him and Brian’s friendship is incorrigible. You had been so willfully ignorant last night when you kissed Roger and convinced him to try things out, and now that conversation feels so far from reality that you can’t even believe it happened. You settle with a, “I don’t know, Rog. I don’t know what to do.”

There’s a stiff pause. “You never do,” he mutters under his breath, a thought he surely meant to keep to himself, but you hear it loud and clear.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you’re already detaching yourself from his gaze as the words soak in. Roger already knows he’s made a mistake by the hurt etched onto your face and tries to grab your hand, but you step back.

“Y/N, that didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. Please—“

You feel pathetic when tears brim your eyes. It’s not just what Roger said, or the way he said it, it’s that he said it. The one person you thought would always have your back, even if he himself didn’t agree. The one person who would go against the opinion of his best friend to make you feel better.

“If that’s how you feel about me, fine. But please don’t try and spare my feelings and just be honest next time, okay, Rog?” you muster out, successfully holding back all of the emotion that so desperately wanted to claw its way out.

“No, no, no,” Roger sputters out as you begin to walk away.

You turn down an empty hallway, Roger hot on your trail. You decide that if you are going to cry, it will surely not be around heaps of people. He takes your hands in his before you can rip yourself away, his look pleading. “That’s not how I feel, love. I’ve told you how I feel about you, about your decision to come with us. I want you here. I want you to find what makes you happy.”

The tears finally fall. They’re not out of anger, though; they’re out of frustration. You want so badly for there to be an easy solution to your problem, for your mother to just get it, for your brother to not be so overprotective, for Roger to be able to kiss you without the fear of repercussions. You want so many things that you can’t have, and it’s slowly ripping you apart.

“Don’t cry, please,” Roger takes you in his arms, palm rubbing warm circles on your back. You can feel his eyelashes flutter against your forehead, lips doting on the space in front of your ear. “I know it’s all frustrating. I’m frustrated, too, but everything’s going to be okay.”

You pull back a bit so you can look at him. He wipes some of your tears away, a crooked, sympathetic smile playing at his lips. “Rog, I’m really sorry, ‘cause I’m the reason for all of this. I asked too much of you. I was stupid to think--”

Roger shakes his head, thumb rubbing under your eye. “You’re not stupid. A bit unrealistic, but definitely not stupid.”

You instinctively lean into his hand, but quickly catch yourself. “Why couldn’t we have just run into each other at a supermarket or something? Things would be much easier that way,” you ponder out loud. “Wouldn’t be so difficult.”

“Wouldn’t be the same, love. I’m still glad to have met you, even if it means keeping my distance,” Roger replies, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Let’s just...let’s just take it back to how it was. We’ll just know a little bit more about each other, s’all.”

“You’d be able to do that?” you furrow your eyebrows, bottom lip grinding between your teeth. “You don’t think Brian will notice that things are...different?”

“Wouldn’t worry about that, love. I’ve had a thing for you for years and Brian hasn’t a clue,” Roger admits with a chuckle, though it’s full of discontent. He brushes some hair from your face, slanting to press a chaste kiss to the corner of your mouth. “I can pretend as long as you promise to keep making fun of me. I live off of that shit. And...”

“And?”

“You’ll let me hold your hand sometimes,” Roger’s cheeks now a light pink hue.

He finally gets you to laugh at that. “That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think? Hand holding?”

“Those are my conditions. Take them or leave them,” Roger beams down at you, and for a moment, it really does feel like normal. How could you possibly say no to that? But at the same time, how could you pretend not to long for it, knowing that you he wants it just as bad as you?

“So what do you say, Miss May?”

“That I’m not particularly fond of rhyming,” you quip, earning yourself a laugh from him as well. “But yeah, deal’s a deal,” your eyes travel down to where your bodies meet, Roger’s arms still securely around you. “Maybe we should…”

“Yeah,” Roger agrees, but is slow to peel himself from you. You both sigh at the loss of contact, but are both smiling sheepishly at one another. Because even though your little love affair only lasted less than twenty-four hours, it was a damn good one.

***

part 3 // part 4 // masterlist

permanent taglist: @im-a-sheerheartattack, @queenbbarnes, @dreamerofzaldrizes, @idontbelievethiss, @sheridans-dynamos, @perriwiinkle, @culturefiendtrashqueen, @fangirlcore, @fatbottomedboi, @b-hardys, @alessandra-elle, @vee-ndetta, @getagriponmyboyracerrollbar, @anaaronescu-blog

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#roger taylor x reader #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor blurb #roger taylor fic #roger taylor fluff #ben hardy!roger x reader #ben hardy fluff #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy #roger taylor #roger taylor angst #ben hardy angst #brian may #queen fics #borhap #sister #requests #apseventy

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