#I probably shouldn't be too upset tho

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Month 5, day 9

Tea scene is done!

Do you know what's unfortunate? I made tea in a 3D modeling and animation software, and in doing so, I drank the last of the tea in the house )':

[yippie-madness]

ugh this sucks.

[eeunoia]

ENHYPEN Mini Series

ENHYPEN as Taylor Swift Songs

BACK TO DECEMBER

synopsis: through ups and down, boyfriend lee heeseung was there for you. he’s the perfect boyfriend girls always wishes for. he was perfect, always good to you and you hurt him.

pairings: lee heeseung x reader

word count: 11k.

warnings: angst, harsh words. (let me know if there’s more)

note📎: i’m not so sure how i did with this one, but here you go. please enjoy! this is the second part of my taylor swift songs series. i hope you guys liked this. your reply and reblog means a lot and my ask are open for you thoughts. thank you and stay safe.

"Y/n! I'll go first." you looked over your shoulder and smiled at your friend while she waves her hand. You gave a short nod and waved as well before going back to what you're previously doing.

As you busy yourself putting your things inside your training bag, you let out a yelp when someone suddenly caged you in an embrace.

You twists your head after hearing this familiar mischievous chuckles coming from the culprit. It was your boyfriend, Lee Heeseung. His smirk was evident despite you shooting him glares.

"You scared me!" you shouted at him then swat him over his arm once after he lets you go.

He grunts lowly but kept his smirk. "Well that's the purpose." he said playfully that earned him a roll eyes from you.

With a small smile you went back on fixing your things and you felt him walks closer then he threw his arm over your shoulder.

"How was practice today, pretty? I heard you killed the evaluation yesterday." his tone sounded too excited to hear anything about your day which is not a surprise anymore. He was always like this. One thing you are thankful for is that he's always ready to hear your rants about life. Whether they make sense or not, he will give you his ears.

"It was exhausting. I'm pretty sure the teacher is trying to give us a hard time." you complained and faced him so he can see how you're really upset about it.

Heeseung chuckles softly, seeing you like this is surely adorable. "Awe," he showed this expression that made you want to laugh. He cupped your face and leaned down so you're both on your eye level.

"Who made this baby upset?" he asks taunting you a bit.

You bit your lower lip then elbowed him. He laughs, but lets out a small groan out of pain. He was exaggerating a bit, but it was normal. This is how you two usually shows affection.

After finishing fixing your things, Heeseung gently steals it from your grip then the two of you started walking out from the dance practice room. Your eyes slowly trailed over him. He's wearing training clothes so you know he's here to train as well. Probably vocal lessons.

You and your boyfriend are both trainees in Hybe. He's the first one to get here and you actually met here before you two became a couple. It was not a secret, but you both know your responsibilities and limitations. Right now, your priority is both your careers. The staffs always reminds the two of you that you shouldn't let the relationship affect your work in any way.

Specially that the survival show Heeseung will participate in is just right by the corner. It's so near. Its just a month away before it starts. They've already been oriented about it.

"How was the photoshoot last monday, Hee?" you tried opening a topic between your boyfriend who's silently walking beside you.

He glanced at you before grabbing your hand to hold it. "Good. But it felt so weird tho. I wasn't totally used to it." he said and you can see how his ears turned red. You thought it was cute how he gets shy just by remembering it.

"I bet your photos will turn out great. You'll gain many fangirls!" you stated excitedly.

You know Heeseung. He's good looking and very very talented. You are very sure people will love him. He's also very funny too, so you don't see why he needs to get worried about it. Yes, being nervous is a part of it but you know he will do just well. And you'll be right here to support him.

He kept his stares at you. Those bambi doe eyes of him whenever he looks at you with so much affection sure makes your stomach go crazy. There's just something about it that you can't point out. Not to mention how his beautiful honey tan skin goes along with it perfectly. You raised your hand and brush his hair once before flashing him this warm smile.

"I know you're probably very worried and nervous right now," you started and eyes slowly trails down from his eyes down to his nose, and to his lips. He pursed it, that made it even look more red. You blinked, getting a little distracted.

"But you'll do very well, Hee. I know it. We all know it." you glanced back to his eyes after finally shoving away the distracting thoughts of his lips and how good they look.

He kept his stares and didn't respond right away. "Yeah. I just can't help but to overthink with all this pressure around me."

Some people may find him mysterious and honestly, you can't blame them. He isn't the type who will tell you everything and opens up very quickly. Heeseung is very reserved when it comes to letting other people see his emotions. You understand him and somehow gets his point. It also took you a while before he started sharing his thoughts with you.

You draws in a sigh before pursing your lips, "Don't mind the pressure. It will always be there, specially because you're very talented and a lot expects big from you. Just enjoy, baby."

Heeseung's eyes sparkles because of the endearment. His hand reaches out for you and pulled you into a tight embrace. You chuckles, inhaling his manly scent as you slowly returns his affection. His lips pressed a kiss at your forehead once.

"I will. Thank you, baby. For always believing in me."

You blushed. He's been calling you endearments ever since you two started dating, but you still blush like crazy like its the first time. Heeseung have that much effect on you. You truly loves him so much.

"I will always believe in you."

He slightly pulls away then cups your face, "And I believe in you too. I know you'll debut sooner as well." his tone sounded so sure. You couldn't even sense any doubt from it.

You flashed a confident smile, "Definitely!" you cheered happily and you both chuckled after that.

Trainee life wasn't easy and they often say that this isn't just about passion. There's so much more about it. Your dreams and future, they're all connected. The risks you are taking for choosing this life instead of going to a good university was no joke. They said continuing this path is only for brave ones. And you are brave.

As expected, Heeseung became pretty busy the following weeks. Meetings after meetings, trainings after trainings, they even started to film some clips that may appear on the show. It was so exciting and thrilling. Hearing stories from your boyfriend makes you feel like you're experiencing them first hand. You are so happy for him.

You glanced at him silently packing his bag while you hang the outfit he's about to wear tomorrow. It's the big day. His big day. They will go to this place and stay there for a long time. It makes you feel sad and longing already for him. After-all, you two had been inseparable ever since you dated. It was always with him that highlights your days. For now, you have to settle on seeing him on screen. The thought of him finally taking another step closer to his dreams, somehow became your only comfort.

"Did you pack everything?" you broke the silence between you two as you hang his pants together with his tie-dye shirt.

His eyes met yours and he smiled, it was obvious that he was thinking about something before you talked. You already had a clue what it is, but you try to keep your mouth shut and let him speak for it.

"Yes. It's not like we're asked to bring too much anyway. They said all the things we will be needing will be there." he says and you nodded your head trying to push back the tears that were attempting to come out from your eyes.

Heeseung has never seen you cry before. He sees you as a very gullible and happy go lucky person. He does saw you get sad and disappointed, but crying? No. Atleast not yet.

He might have noticed the hint of tears at the corner of your eyes so he chuckles and opens his arms wide for you. A small smirk spreads across his handsome face, to hide and cover the sadness that slowly eating him up.

"Come here," he softly says that you obliged right away.

The hug was warm as always. It was one of your favorite things in the world, being caged between his arms while he place kisses at your head and assured you that everything's going to be all right. For Heeseung, this is also one of his safest place. You between his arms, your warmth comforting him and telling him that you're just there for him. He's attached to you as much as you are to him.

"Three months isn't that long, I'll be back even before you know it." he comforts you even without you mentioning that it was that that bothers you.

He knows, because he himself is sad that you'll be away from each other for that long. But you two have no choice. This is for his dreams, your dreams. This is what's best and you are very happy for him. You'll do anything just for him to be successful and achieve his dreams. And you'll do the same for your dreams. You two promised that a time will come, you will watch each other in big screens while attending music award shows together.

"I love you, Heeseung." you mumbled.

His heart races as he pulls away flashing you a warm smile, "I love you." and he leans in to give you one affectionate kiss on your lips.

That night, you spend it while cuddling each other closely. Sleep doesn't seem to visit you and so you just enjoyed staying with him for a bit more. Soon enough, sunrise were there and he has to leave and go to the place where they'll film the show. He waves at you and you did as well flashing him your warmest smile.

"Y/n, have you watched the first episode?" your eyes looked over one of the trainees who excitedly approach you while you're currently working out.

You smiled and nodded your head shortly. She squealed and even did small jumps out of excitement. Another one smoothly joins in the conversation. They're starting to tell you how amazing and cool Heeseung was along with some other trainees that you couldn't catch on.

You just smile politely and responds whenever they ask things. Unconsciously, your eyes darted over the entrance of the gym when you saw one of the trainors were called by a staff. She asked him something and he nods his head before roaming his eyes around the place, like looking for someone. When you two met eyes, he stopped and pointed you towards the staff.

Your heart races as you watch her thank him then walks towards you. She's familiar. You have seen her with some of the managers around the company. There's a rumor that they're trying to form a girl group and will release them soon. The thought thrilled you and your heart can't help but to leap out of excitement and anticipation.

"Ms. Y/n?" the two girls that were talking to you turns their head and bowed immediately after seeing the staff. She returned the greeting and looked back at you.

"Yes?"

"Are you done with your work out? I would like to invite you to the office, one of the managers asked for you." she said using this professional tone. It made you a little worried and anxious, you'll be honest. But you shrugged it off and bravely nodded your head before asking if you can go take a quick shower first.

She said okay and that she'll just wait for you at the lobby. You didn't waste any time and just quickly go take a quick shower and tried to make yourself look presentable as much as possible. When you arrived by the lobby, she's there on the phone. While walking closer, you try to flatten your shirt and fix your hair. Just in time, she glanced at your way and asked you to wait for a while.

You stood there patiently and after she finishes her call, she walks closer and trailed her eyes from head to toe.

"Follow me." she strictly instructs and you just nodded.

As you follow her, your mind is floating somewhere. A lot of questions flooded you and your lungs pressed out air out of nervous. Chills runs over your spine as your heart clamps making it a little hard to breath. Despite all of these, you composed and prepared yourself to whatever it is that going to happen.

You've seen scenes like this. It's either end up good or bad.

The two of you stops outside a meeting room, here is where special meetings are gathered. Near here is the evaluation hall where you present your monthly performance that they will grade. It will dictate whether you will continue as a trainee or you're out.

"Wait here for a while." she says and knocked twice to the door before peeping his head a little.

"She's here with me. Should I get her inside?" she asks the people inside. You couldn't hear what exactly their responnses are but when the girl motioned you to follow her inside, you guess they agreed.

You draws in big heavy sigh before you walked inside, ready to face them and hear what they call for you in.

As expected, familiar faces are can be seen. They all turned their heads at you once you step inside. Strict and cold looking eyes scanned you from head to foot. It made you more nervous because the silence was very suffocating. They all have serious face and none of them are talking.

"Goodafternoon." you tried to greet them even if you're very nervous. Good thing that you didn't startled.

The girl asked you to stand at the middle, in front of the table where they're all seated. It's not very welcoming and has high tension that makes you just want to run outside, but this was all part of it. Monthly, you get evaluated and this are pretty similar to it.

"What do you think?" one of them asks, only she's not talking to you but rather to the person beside her. There's this strict woman, probably on her mid-30s, and she's staring at you with those strict meticulous eyes of hers. You know her. She have a high position in the company, her opinion is very important when it comes to trainees that will be released by the company.

She kept her stares and didn't talk for a while before she draws in a sigh. "Well, she looked decent." it was a short comment, but was enough to make relief falls over their faces.

She sighed, "All right, take her out from Team B and let her be with (band name) for a while. Let's see their chemistry together."

Your eyes almost popped out of its socket after what you heard from her. She didn't said anything afterwards and just fixed her folder and left, dismissing everyone that isn't needed anymore. All of them stood up to bow at her as she leaves the room, you on the other hand was still stunned at what was happening. A part of you wanted to jump and celebrate, but a part of you felt scared. Worried of what's about to come.

Trainee life is already very hard and you heard that once you're part of a debuting group, it'll be much worst. They said they'll become more strict and things are way different. Despite all of these thoughts that are bothering you, the idea of finally joining a group that will be released is very thrilling.

"Y/n? Come with me." your neck craned over to the staff that took you here in this room.

After bowing politely at the remaining people inside, you decided to follow her towards somewhere. On the way, your heart are thumping like crazy. Your stomach churns in an uncomfortable way. The emotions you are currently having are unexplainable.

Soon enough, both of you arrived at a practice room. Your mouth gapped in awe as you roam your eyes around after she guides you inside. Inside were five girls that turned their heads in unison after noticing your presence. Your curiosity subsided and you suddenly felt shy.

One of them went to stop the music and they walked closer, standing in a straight line. Their curious eyes darted silently at you.

"Girls, this is y/n. She will join your trainings and practices for a while and we will see if she fits the group." she asks you to introduce yourself and even if you feel super shy, you bowed.

"Hi, I'm y/n from Team B. I hope you take good care of me." you showed a polite smile for them that they exchanged with warm smiles. Somehow, it made you feel at ease. They all seems very nice.

One by one, they introduced themselves to you. The staff left you with them and the girls instantly hovered over you excitedly. You blushed and felt surprised at them. One giggles and informed you that you are younger so she wants you to call her 'unnie'.

"You're Heeseung's girl, right?" the oldest from the group suddenly said.

You showed a slight shock over your face and nodded your head. One seems to be surprised at the information while others kept their smiles. They all got excited and soon hovered around you to ask about details. It was obvious how they find it so amusing that you are in a relationship with the ace trainee.

“It must’ve been very hard for you right now. Do you miss him?”

Your lips lifts up into a small smile and eyes slowly trailed down your fingers, the familiar bitter feeling overtaking your chest.

“So much. I got used to having him around.” you admits.

“Yah, you shouldn’t have asked that.” one of them whispered and you just smiled a little at them to show that its fine.

A lady entered the room and she introduced herself as Ms. Kim. She’s the one incharge to manage this debuting group. She flashes you a warm smile. For the first time, you felt at ease. She’s the only one who gave you this kind of face ever since you were escorted here.

You mirrored her smile despite feeling a little awkward.

“Y/n, team B. A trainee for almost a year.” it isn’t a question that needs a confirmation, it was a statement. Seems like she’s well aware of your background. It made you feel a little nervous.

“You’re probably at shock right now, but from now on you will be joining them.” she draws in a sigh. “Consider this a chance to take a spot in the debuting group, Y/n. I hope you take this seriously.” she stated, now looking at you with a stern look on her face.

You nodded right away, warmth slowly spread through your chest.

“Yes, Ma’am!”

Things that follows became a blur. The next thing you know, you are spending most of your time with this group training. A part of you expects a lot, excited and looking forward to what’s waiting ahead, but a part of you also worries a lot. The management did told you that this doesn’t guarantee your spot for the debuting group. They’re just checking if your chemistry with these girls will click. If yes, you’ll debut with them. If not? Then you’re back to team B.

“Come on girls! Move those bodies!” the choreographer ordered and like robots you all complied. You sighed and felt your body aching due to dancing too much. The dance moves are no joke. It was crazy and honestly you feel like your bones are not attached to each other anymore.

“Y/n!!” her screams were loud as your small mistake of the dance after missing off the beat caught her eyes.

Your body stopped moving and that caused her to be more angry. She was always the strict type of teacher, the ones who doesn’t let small mistakes slip off and you understand why. You wanted so bad to move, but your body was too strained to even follow the dances.

“Stop the music!” and in an instant, the song stopped and all the girl’s eyes darted at your direction.

This isn’t a new scene for you anymore. Ever since you joined this group, you felt different. You feel like you cannot dance and sing anymore. Like as if all those trainings you've done before did you nothing, like it was all put into waste.

The girls gave way to the instructor when she marched towards your direction. They have this worried look painted over their faces. You teared your gaze away from them and looked at the furious instructor. She looked really mad. You can’t blame her. The clock is ticking and the debut date is approaching fast. They need the group ready and you are causing them trouble.

“I’m s-sorry.” you muttered lowly as you try to keep your tears from escaping your gloomy and tired eyes.

Her clenching jaw is visible and she lets a scoff, “How many months are you training with them again, y/n?” her tone roared all over the room. Nobody else talked after her question. None of them tries to interrupt or save you from her wrath.

You stood there, looking afraid and tired. You are feeling sorry for messing up, sincerely sorry for it. It’s just you feel like everything’s moving too fast for you. Suddenly, you doesn’t fit to this anymore. Like you’ve been stripped off from your life and was put into a different timeline accidentally. It was hard to explain.

“T-Three months.” you answered, stuttering.

“3 months and you still mess this small details?! Are you really a trainee?!” she shouted right at you. It made you step back once and your head lowered. You felt your chest tightens as you bit your lower lip to keep it from shaking too much. Your eyes heaten up, tears pooling already.

“I don’t even know why they decided to put you in here! I don’t know why you’re here and honestly, I want you out! You are ruining the group’s image! You are not fit here!” her loud voice hurts your ears but her words stabbed you like knives.

A tear fell from your eye. Ever since you joined this debuting group you cried too often. Too often that sometimes even if you’re hurting, no tears flows anymore. It was just too... overwhelming. Nobody’s there to comfort you. The company is strict on making you interact with other people. Right now, you have nobody.

Then Heeseung pops inside your mind. Your lips shakes even more and tears flows unstoppable. Just thinking about him suffocates you more. You wish he’s here beside you. You wish he was here, because you’re sure he will know the perfect words to say. He will know how to calm you down.

“Crying again, huh?! Is that all you can do?! Is that what you trained to do here? You’re better off on the acting career!” she has no mercy. Well, she’s strict that way. It’s not that she’s heartless, or maybe she really is, but there are times that she’s nice and caring. It’s just that she takes her job seriously. And with all the pressure for the upcoming girl group of the company, she can’t help but to be more strict.

“That’s enough,” after hearing Ms. Kim’s voice, the instructor stopped talking but you can still her heavy breaths.

She told everyone to leave the room to give you and Ms. Kim some privacy. The moment they all left, your knees automatically lose all of its strength and you fell on the floor. There, you cried. You cried so hard.

“I’m disappointed in you, Y/n.” unlike the teacher before, her tone is more calmer. Her words added to the knives already buried over you.

“We picked you to add to this group, but you are not doing your best.” she said that made you slowly raise your head to look at her.

Her heart cracks at the sight of you. Eyes full of tears, cheeks and nose red from all the crying and the life in your eyes were nowhere to be found. She can’t even see any determination from you. It’s like as if you’ve already gave up.

“I’m d-doing my best, Ms. Kim.” you tried to argue for yourself. You are trying your best. Multiple times you stayed later than everyone else just to learn the steps a bit more. Your voice strained countless times from all the vocal trainings you’ve done.

“Well, I can’t see it.” she stepped closer and helped you get back to your feet. Her concerned eyes wonders over your crying face. She cares genuinely for you. Even if she’s strict and sometimes she scold you, you can feel her care for you. That’s why seeing you like this hurts her as well. She wants you to debut with this group because she saw a potential in you.

“Do you want this, Y/n?” she asks, brushing away some of your hair from your face.

You nodded continuously, “Y-Yes.”

She stared at your eyes for a good minute before she nods her head. “Show us that you want this.” and with that she pulled you in for a hug.

That made you bursts into tears again, “I’m s-sorry, Ms. Kim. I w-will try more. I will try to do b-better more.” she cares your back and soon she asks you to go home to get some rest.

You’re like a lifeless person while entering the quiet dorm. Since you’re training with the debuting group, you sleep in their dorms as well. The whole place was dark since nobody’s here. You sighed and plopped yourself down the floor. The deafening silence of the place adds more weight to your down mood.

The aches all over your body made you tear up along with the hurtful things that happened a while ago. Your mind was blank, you don’t know how your eyes still produce tears. Then your phone inside your pocket buzzed for a text message you just received.

With slow and lifeless movement, you reached for it then checked who it was. You sat up and wipe off the tears over your cheeks as the familiar contact name of Heeseung’s Mom flashed through your screen. She left you a text.

Mom (Heeseung’s)

Y/n-ah, how are you? You don’t visit me here anymore. I hope you are eating well. I know training is hard, but you can do it. I believe in you, we all do. Don’t starve and overwork yourself. Anyway, its the last episode tomorrow and its your day off. I’m just wondering if you want to watch it with the family?

Your heart tugged by the sweet message. It made your tears flow even more. Guilt and slight anger towards yourself ignites as it reminds you how many people are supporting you. Somehow, that gesture help you to gain motivation to continue and give your best.

You took a long hot bath after crying a bit more before finally going to bed.

The next morning, the dorm was still quiet when you started getting ready to leave. You figured the rest of the girls are still sleeping in because its your day off. They probably stayed late yesterday.

You quickly left the dorm after leaving some cooked meal for the girls and a note saying that you’re off to Heeseung’s house. They are often used to it already. You leave far and his house is the closest to the company. That’s why whenever its your day off, you go there to spend some time with Hee’s Mom. To somehow ease both of your longing towards him.

“Y/n!” her cheerful voice greets you the moment you entered the house. You flashed a bright smile and return her warm hug.

You fight so hard not to cry when you felt her cares your back. With pursed lips, you blinked multiple times to push the tears back. You don’t want to worry her.

She pulls off the hug and caress your face, “Are you eating well? You lost some weight.” she says worriedly.

“Don’t worry, Mom (Hee’s Mom). I make sure I eat well.”

She pouts her lips and stared at your eyes a bit more just to check if you’re really telling the truth. Thankfully, she didn’t notice how your eyes are all puffy with all the crying last night. Guess icing your eyes really works.

She served you good lunch and both of you spent the whole afternoon catching up. The last episode will be stream live later so you still have time. Despite the smiles over her face, you can see through her eyes that she’s worried.

You reached for her hand and caress it.

“He will make it, Mom (Hee’s Mom).” you assured her.

Her eyes teared up now that you noticed it. She’s been holding back these tears because she doesn’t want you to be sad and worried as well. Heeseung has been through a lot these past months inside that survival show. But you know he will debut. He’s strong and very talented. A lot of people supports and loves him.

The two of you are hand in hand while the last episode started. Both in tears whenever Heeseung showed up on the screen.

“Lee Heeseung.”

The two of you screamed and jumped while hugging each other when his name was called. You cried with tears of joy then glanced back at the television. He was now hugging the other debuting members and you can see how relieved he is. He stared through the screen and it made your heart thumped faster.

“You made it, love.” you mumbled under your breath, the cries of joy of his Mom as your background.

The joy you are feeling for your boyfriend are too much, but a tiny bitter feeling aches inside of you. At the back of your mind you know things will change. You have no idea how or what kind of change, but you are certain about it. Then your heart aches after remembering what happened to you yesterday.

You can’t help but to be scared. Heeseung’s a step closer to his dreams, while you seem to have taken a step back.

“Baby!” he jogs towards you and didn’t waste any time to cage you into a tight hug. His face nuzzle over your neck, inhaling your familiar scent that he surely missed so much.

He closed his eyes and tighten his hug even more. He can’t help but to feel too overwhelmed. He didn’t realize how much he missed you until he sees you standing outside their practice room, waiting patiently for their break time.

You pull off from the hug chuckling then cupped his face. He stared lovingly at you and it made your heart beat fast.

“I missed you.” he says and his eyes trailed down to your lips.

You smirked, “I missed you more, ace of Enhypen.”

His cheeks turned red and it didn’t slip from your eyes making you laugh. Did you just made the Lee Heeseung blush? He groaned and placed a quick kiss at your neck before nuzzling once again.

“I’m so proud of you.” you mumbled and Heeseung’s felt so contented that very moment.

He’s just starting to achieve his dreams, but he knows as long as he have you he can do it. He don’t know what he will do if he lose you.

He pulls away again and this time cupped your face, “I love you. Thank you for supporting me.” he says sincerely then slowly leaned in to give you a kiss on your lips.

Your heart tugged and blushed so hard. The feeling was overwhelming for you. Having him hugging you like this sends comfort to you. It somehow makes you forgot about your troubles. It made you forget about it even just for a while.

“I love you, Hee.”

He smiled satisfied. “I heard you’re training with (band name)?”

Just the mention of the band’s name almost made you lose your smile, good thing you managed to hold it. The excitement through his eyes tells you that he have no idea how awful your situation was.

You gave a short nod, his smile even grew wider if possible before he leaned and placed a kiss over your forehead following it with encouraging words of, “You can do it, love. We’ll debut together.”

After that catching up moment with him, he started to become busy. You understand and already saw this coming. The only time you can talk to him is when you see each other at the company, which is not that often, and when he’s not that tired after training. Sometimes, he still try to talk to you despite the long day but you force him to get some rest instead. At times like this, rest is his top priority.

Months pass by and their debut finally came. It was very succesful and you are very happy for him. He deserve it.

While things go smoothly with Heeseung, yours become very hard. Its like you just go to trainings just to get scolded and you go to the dorms to overthink. You are restless, both physically and mentally. Right now, you don’t even know if you can make it. You are trying your best, but you just don’t know where you lack.

“Did you watch our stages?” you can almost vision his big smiles through the phone call.

You wiped off your tears and tried not to be too obvious. Heeseung called while you’re breaking down inside the dorms. He finally had the free time and didn’t want to let the opportunity to talk to his girlfriend pass. He misses you so much and he feels like even if you two texts and calls often, it wasn’t enough. He can feel that a lot of things are going on with you, but you only say a few things to him.

“Y-Yes, baby.” you answered.

You bit your lower lip to stop it from shaking.

“Hey, are you okay?” his worried tone snapped you back to reality.

‘Shit’ you cursed inside your head before inhaling and calming yourself down.

“Of course. My throat is just a little itchy that’s why my voice is strained and I have a cold.” you lied.

You heard him sighed, “Love, I told you to take extra care on yourself right?” his tone sounded so sweet and caring that you felt a lump over your throat. A lot of words that wanted to come out, but you chose not to say them. Right now, he has a lot on his hands and you don’t want to add on them.

“I w-will. Thank you, baby. Please take care too.”

He drawns in a sigh, “Surely. I’ll see you when we have free time.”

Both of you bid goodbye before he finally end the call. You cried more that night and the next day, you are back on training.

Time flies so fast. Months passed by already and Heeseung’s group is already making a name on the kpop world. It was crazy. You are happy for him, but you’re so sad for yourself.

Tonight, a day in september, you are called in over to the office hall. The same room where they called you in to announce that you will debut with that group.

“Y/n.” Ms. Kim calls.

Her and her team that was formed for the group were the ones in here. Probably having a meeting for the new group since their debut is coming so fast. The whole stuff are all planned already.

“Yes, Miss?” you are very nervous, but a little hopeful.

You knew you did your best for the past months. You worked hard to earn the position. Even after getting sick, you still try to attend practices and trainings.

“Listen,” she says and gradually glanced away before reaching over your hand to caress it softly.

Your heart sanks at that. Somehow you already know what’s there to come. Slowly, you can feel your chest tightens and your brain being clouded by a lot of thoughts. You couldn’t response at her at all, but you kept your eyes at her.

“You did so well holding up until now. I know you went through a lot and I am proud you made it this far.” she started and you can see through her eyes that she feels so bad to announce to you the news.

“I’m very sorry honey, but I’m afraid you can’t debut with the group.” her words echoes through your mind like a broken radio. You already expected it but to hear it from her just hits different. It was like being hit by a truck and then get run over by another vehicle. It was dreadful and you can feel your whole body almost giving up. If it weren’t for her hug that she suddenly gave you.

“You did so well, Y/n. Totally.”

When she pulled away, you gave her a soft small smile. Of course it was unsincere so you clearly see the worry over her eyes. You bowed slowly.

“T-Thank you for t-taking good c-care of me.” and it almost made her cry.

You didn’t cried at all while saying good-bye to the staff you used to work with. They are a bit teary tho, and they have a small hint of pity over them.

You head straight to the dorms to pack some of your stuff. It was vacant because the girls are back at the company for their practice. You are silent and still didn’t shed any tear yet. You are feeling awful, but seems like your eyes are tired of shedding any tears.

The silence were broken by a faint chime of from your phone, a text message was sent. Your head craned at your side to look at it. The familiar nickname of your boyfriend can be seen, he sent you loads of messages. Looks like the news made it to him as well. As far as you know, he’s busy now preparing for another comeback.

Your eyes were just staring at the phone until its screen turns off. Seconds later, it opened again and this time you are receiving a call from Heeseung.

“Hello?” you tried saying.

From the other line, you can hear him gasping for air, like as if he ran a marathon or something.

“Baby,” he started. “where are you? Are you at the dorms? I’m outside of your building. I want to see you.”

You almost stumble on your own feet while hurrying to go down and meet the only person that can give you comfort. Once you made it on the groundfloor and straight out of the building, there you saw him standing by the side. He’s wearing a black hoody, sweats, a cap and a mask. Since this building is exclusive, its pretty safe for the two of you to meet here.

You slowly walked towards him and he meet you half way. He took off his mask and once you’re out of his reach, he quickly caged you into a tight embrace.

There. That was what you’re waiting for. The hug was like the one that pulled the trigger for you to release everything you are keeping to yourself. Tears flows nonstop, cries whales that broke Heeseung’s heart. He shut his eyes, getting teary as well as he placed a kiss at the top of your head while trying to comfort you.

“It’s okay, baby. Just let it all out. I’m here.” he mumbles and caress your back while you continue to cry.

Heeseung can’t explain how this scene made him feel. You are crying so bad and this is the very first time he saw you like this. He didn’t like it in one bit.

“It h-hurts so bad, Hee.” you says drawing in a much bigger breath because you can feel your lungs pressing uncomfortably due to crying so hard.

Heeseung cups your face, “I know baby. I know.” he cares it using his thumbs and stared at your eyes lovingly, his eyes expresses how he mourn with you.

“I love you so much, baby. I’m just here for you.” and pulls you in another big hug.

“D-Don’t you have practice?”

He quickly shuts off the topic about him, “Don’t worry about it, I can just stay a bit more. You’re more important right now.”

You want so bad to make him go back to his practice but you know you also need him here by your side. For once, you chose to be selfish and make him stay with you.

You nuzzle over his chest, tears still streaming. “I love you so much, Heeseung. Thank you for being here with me right now.” and he didn’t say a single word. Just a kiss at the top of your head as he cages you inside his warm embraces hoping it somehow ease the pain.

A lot changed right after you got removed from the debut line up. You lost your will to be a trainee or even attend any lessons. The effect it left was undeniably impactful. The people close with you felt so bad and doesn’t really know how to help you cheer up.

Heeseung too. Juggling both his career and his relationship with you was not easy at all for the rookie ace. Giving up any of it didn’t became an option tho. No matter how hard it is, he always made sure he will still have time for you. He understands what you’re going through. It was hurting and breaking him to see you like this. The fact that he felt like you are slipping off was so much painful.

“Hi, love.” your lifeless eyes darted at Heeseung when he enters your dorm. He was wearing this big smile while holding some take-outs.

After placing it on the table, he walks closer and quickly pulls you in for a hug. Your eyes can’t help but to notice his newly bleached hair. You don’t know what exactly to feel about it. You should be happy for your boyfriend, since his group is slowly becoming known to the whole world. He’s obviously doing very well. As expected from the Lee Heeseung.

He pulls out from the hug and tilts his head to catch your eyes. You flash him a small smile, quickly pushing away the negative look on your eyes after meeting his.

“How are you today?” he asks, curiously.

‘Terrible.’ you wanted to answer, but stopped yourself from doing so. He may seem like he’s full of energy and all, but you are aware that he’s very tired. Amused at how he can still be here despite the busy schedule, you can’t help but to scan him with your eyes. Heeseung noticed your tired eyes and opens his mouth. He’s about to ask you, but somehow he already knows what you’ll say. He figured you still don’t want to talk about it yet.

“I’m doing fine. How about you?” you tried to sound as much cheerful as you want to, but you’re sure you failed.

“Good. Just a little tired.” his eyes settled at you, looking so affectionate.

His hands snakes over your waist and you felt your heart beat fast. Heeseung never changed, if there’s something that change maybe it was that he became even more sweet and honestly its making you feel guilty. Even if he don’t say it, you know you’ve been neglecting him.

You ran your hands from his arms towards his biceps over to his shoulder before locking your hands behind his nape, pulling your bodies closer to each other. You stared at him as a playful smirk plays over his pretty lips, his eyes softens even more with your initiation of skinship. He missed this.

“I’m so proud of you.” you whispered sincerely making his eyes be filled with so much love.

His hand squeezed your waist a bit before one raised to cup your face, “I’m very proud of you as well, love.” and he leaned in to seal it with a loving kiss at your lips.

Your eyes shuts as the bitter feeling slowly creep towards your chest, poisoning your mind with guilt for a lot of things. Those words he told you, even if he’s sincere about it you are the one who can’t accept any of it. It was painful rather than comforting. You wanted so bad to take it in, convince yourself that you are worthy of it, but always ends up resenting yourself even more.

You two spent the night together. He was so happy being with you and you tried to enjoy the moment as well. The problem was clearly not him, it was you. You are punishing yourself.

Days, weeks continued the same. You are lifeless and with no will already. It was evident with the people you train with. Sometimes you hear them talk.

“Isn’t she suppose to debut with (band name)? What happened?” one whispers while you pretend to continue filling your glass with water.

“I heard that she was not good enough and that she’s ruining the group’s image so they took her out.”

The words stung, but the memories that comes after was the one that broke you. With no words, you exits the room and went straight to a bathroom stall to once again cry, hoping it will somehow take some of this awful feelings away. But no. They don’t go away, they even get worst. You know you need to get away, you need to do something.

“Y/n,” the admin assigned for the trainee looked at you with worry.

You tried flash her a smile. “Please let me do this. I...” your words got stuck over your throat as you stall with your sentence. “..don’t think I can continue anymore. I’m very sorry.”

You lower your head, afraid to see more disappointed look from people. Silence ate the two of you and nobody dares to talk for a while before you felt her pulling you into a hug. It made you tear up, but you pursed your lips to keep those unwanted cries to come out.

“I’m sorry too, darling.” she mumbled and then pats your back before pulling away.

“Okay, you can go. But remember that if ever your mind changes, you are welcome to come back.”

You gave her a nod, but the idea of coming back to this place was not even playing through your mind. You bid good bye to some of the trainees you’re close with before heading towards your dorms to go pack your things. While doing it, your mind always get clouded by the thought of forgotting something.

It's been a week ever since you last saw Heeseung and you are avoiding him as well because you wanted to think throughly of this situation. Your phone was off too the whole day. Your heart aches just by thinking of him. You love Heeseung, you love him so much but right now you don’t know if you can love him well when you’re this broken. He doesn’t deserve to be neglected and so you planned to end what’s between you and him tonight too.

Your hand balled into a fist before you fished your phone and switched it open. The moment it was turned on, your chect tightens at the sight of Heeseung and you as your wallpaper. Both of you looked so happy, these was back to the days that its not yet so tough.

You jolted when the phone started to vibrate and his name flash on your screen. A tear left your eye and your chest tightens. You can feel the pain was eating your whole system.

You threw your head back and shut your eyes for a while before trying to calm youself down. You don’t want to, but you know you have to face him sooner or later.

“H-Hello?”

“Baby! I couldn’t get a hold of you the whole day, I was worried sick. What happened?” you bit your lower lip as your heart swells in an uncomfortable way.

“N-Nothing. I’m sorry to worry you.” and for what will follow afterwards.

“Can you go down? I’m outside your dorm.” he still sounded so worried and after hearing what he said, your head cranes towards the windows. You’re too afraid to approach it and check if he was telling the truth. You don’t know if you’re ready to see him there, waiting for you like always.

Even if he’s not telling you, you are completely aware that deep down he wants to demand from you. Attention, time and affection. He wants all of it from you like before, but he’s just too nice to bother you with it. He knew you are going through something so he will just understand. He loves you too much that your presence is enough for him.

After heaving a sigh, trying to gather your thoughts so you’ll be ready to say it to him properly. You know it won’t make anything better. No matter how perfect you manage to say your thoughts towards him, you know it will hurt him big time.

Just thinking of him waiting outside hurts already, but seeing him right now was even painful. He cranes his head at your direction after hearing faint steps. His brows was a little furrowed out of worry and met you half way. His hands reached out for you to pull you closer to his touch, feeling impatient to cage you into an embrace. It felt warm, comforting like usual but it sends you guilt as well. You can’t keep up with this. You don’t want to keep feeling this way.

“I was so worried for you.” he muttered and soon pulls away so he can look at your face.

Heeseung was taken aback to see your bloodshot eyes. It was very obvious you cried and when he was about to ask you what’s going on, his mouth hang open. For the first time after the night he first saw you, he manages to see how broken you are. Your eyes looks so drained and tired, like as if hiding them was not enough already as well.

“Baby..” he calls softly.

You pursed your lips as it starts to shake, tears pools your eyes. “Let’s break up, Heeseung.”

Your words didn’t process right away. He stiffens as he stares at you blankly, doesn’t want to believe what he just heard from you.

“W-What?” he draws in a strained sigh, chest tightening. “What did you say?” his tone hesitant but he wants to hear it again. He’s hoping he heard it wrong, that you are just pranking him. That all of these are just a joke.

You swallowed, feeling a lump getting in between your throat. The pain was undescribable, it was uncomfy to bear and definitely much more worst than what you felt after getting kicked out from the group. It was crazy how that feeling was beaten. You don’t know such emotions exists.

“L-Let’s end this, Heeseung. I can’t keep going on like this.” you finished your line, the words practiced moments before were all thrown outside the window.

“N-No,” He blinks, eyes starting to water. His hold from you losen and his hands fell over his sides as he stare at you hopelessly. His adam's apple bobbed continuously, trying to swallow whatever that feeling that was in between his throat.

“You are just joking, right?” he tries to push back those tears back because there’s no way he’s losing you. Not right now.

“No, y/n. We can’t. Please, I love you. I’m trying hard, right? I’m doing my best to keep you, why..” his words trailed as he saw how you look dead tired and serious. He realized you are true to your words. That this isn’t just some prank. “...are you doing this? How can you give this up like this? How can you do that when I’m trying hard to fight?” he couldn’t help but to feel so betrayed right now. It was a bitter feeling he never imagined to feel from you.

You lowered your head, tears started to flow nonstop. “I’m s-so sorry,” were the only words you can tell him right now.

He stared at you, shoulders hanging low. A tear left his eyes. He wants to pull you closer to comfort you but he himself was hurting too much right now.

“I’m so tired. I can’t keep on disappointing people—”

“You aren't! Did I ever made you feel like that?! I try so hard not to upset or offend you, because I know how hard that must’ve been feel! I try to give you attention, give you love hoping it will somehow manage to ease the pain! I love you, y/n... so much! I’m always here for you and I will—”

“That’s the point, Hee!” you cut him off lifting your head to look at him straight in his eyes. Letting him see how miserable and broken you really are.

He pursed his lips, jaw clenching while looking at you silently.

“You are doing so well. Being an idol and being my boyfriend! I am very happy for you and very thankful that despite of my shortcomings you made me feel loved. You always make me feel worthy even if I’m such a disappointment.” he took a step closer and was about to talk, but you interrupted him.

“I tried to cover it all up. I tried to convince myself that its just a moment, a phase of my life and it will soon fade away if I tried to focus on the brighter things in my life. But no! Who am I fooling? The guilt is eating me up! The disappointment I was trying to bury behind my back was poisining me all the way in. It was killing me! It was silently ruining me and I can’t keep living with it because I'm so tired. I’m tired hearing things from other people how I’m not deserving of this...” your eyes slowly softens but soon replaced by bitterness as you stared at him, “... how I’m not deserving of you.”

Heeseung shakes his head, disagreeing. He wants to hold you but you stepped back, hurting him.

“I know you don’t think that way, but the problem here is not you. This is beyond your control, Heeseung. It was all on me. These are issues only I can fix. I’m so sorry, but I n-need to end what we have.”

Heeseung was looking at you silently, still couldn’t get over by the fact that you stepped away from his hold, from him. It was a scene not easy to forget.

“I will go back home to our province. I will stop training as well.”

This time Heeseung furrowed his brows hardly. Your eyes glanced away from him, can’t handle the way he stares at you this time.

“What...” he’s actually surprised at what more there is that you’ll reveal. He doesn’t know if he wants to be here to hear all of it, because it gets even worst.

He sighed heavily, calming himself before he face palms and lets out a big heavy sigh again.

“I can try so hard to understand you giving up us,” he starts that made you look at him. “..but you giving up your dreams? That I can’t understand.” he clenches his jaw, finally looking at you in disbelief.

You stayed silent. Letting him say those words at you. Letting you hear it and absorb it all just to match the pain that were already leaving inside of you.

“I will never understand and accept you giving up the dreams you’ve built with me. I was there when you dreamed of it and I know I wasn’t the only one who believed you can.” he steps closer that caught you off-guard so you didn’t have the chance to back away.

Heeseung grabs your hand and gave you a bouquet of your favorite flowers. Your heart cracks and sank seeing it, but after he said the following words, your whole heart crumbs.

“Here,” he says. “Happy Anniversary.” his voice was filled with nothing but pain and bitterness before he turned around then started walking away from you.

Your eyes settled at the pretty flowers as tears flows nonstop once again, bluring your vision. When you finally gather yourself and ready to call him out, he was all gone. Lee Heeseung, the man that you love left with a broken heart. The night felt colder and the painful memory carved something inside your heart. A permanent scar.

“Waah, Lee Heeseung really did make it.” your head shifts to your side and saw how the staffs around you watch him over the monitor with adoration through their eyes. A small smile made it to your face before you looked back to watch him once again.

“I’m so proud of you.” you mumbled to yourself and felt the corner of your eyes slowly burning just by getting reminded of how perfect he was for you.

You snapped back to reality when you heard your instructor clapping their hands. “Chop chop ladies! We need to finish the choreo because your debut is near.”

Without wasting any time, you stood up and went to your position. Your mind was filled with nothing but memories of Lee Heeseung. The happy and sad flashbacks through your mind as you dance to your debut song.

Yes, you went back on training after a couple of months. The company called you, announcing that they want you to be part of a debuting group. This time, you secured your spot and was already introduced as one of the members. The feedback was crazy and you couldn’t imagine that you are currently in this situation when it was hell a few months back.

It’s been seven months ever since that night. You haven’t called or texted him. He didn’t try to reach out as well. You can’t blame him tho. If that night was painful for you, I’m sure it was dreadful for him. You can see him doing well with his group. He’s already making a name and you’re not even surprised.

Whenever you watch him through the screen, your heart aches for two reason. One, because you’re very happy that he’s achieving all his goald. Two, because you miss him so much. You missed how good he was. You missed loving and caring he is towards you. You missed his goofiness, his sweet chuckles, his sweet smiles. You missed his expressive eyes that stares at you lovingly. You missed his tan skin, his warm hugs and sweet kisses. You missed everything about him, you missed Lee Heeseung.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to call him?” his manager looks at you with hopeful eyes, one day.

You approached him and ask if you can have Heeseung’s number. He was surprised to hear from you after a long time, but he was also excited. He knew that what happened between you and Heeseung affected the young ace. He may not show it, but something changed.

“No need, manager. I will just text him. I’m sure he’s busy with the preparation for their tour.” you gave him a short bow before waving him good-bye.

Your eyes dropped at the piece of paper he handed you. It’s Heeseung’s number. Their world tour will start next week and you will attend the opening day. You planned to ask him to meet you right after, if he’s willing to. Just by thinking about it, you can already feel your knees weakening. But you know you have to do this. You know you still love him so much and nothing changed with it. His feelings may already did, but you still want to try.

“Bye, Y/n! Goodluck! See you at the dorms.” one of your member waved and showed you a fighting gesture before they started walking off.

With both hands holding a paper bag, you tried to calm yourself down while waiting for Lee Heeseung to show up. You’ve texted him a couple of times already, but you received no replies to any of them. Tonight was day 1 of their Manifesto world tour. It was amazing, Lee Heeseung was amazing. You texted him that you’ll wait for him right here after their concert.

Your eyes grew a bit big as you waved nervously at the familiar person walking towards you.

“I’m happy you make time to meet me! How’s the first day of concert?” your smile was wide while you hold the gift you prepared for him. He walked closer, but not too close. He looked at you silently, roaming his eyes around your face.

Your heart aches at the sight of an unfamiliar eyes. He changed a lot, that’s for sure.

“It was fine.” he answered shortly. You pursed your lips, wanted not to spoil the mood.

“Congratulations to your tour!” tone a bit stretched out now. He nodded his head and his eyes trailed down to the gift you are holding.

“What are you really doing here, y/n?” he finally asked. you gulped and your hold to the paper bag tightens as you looked at him.

“I m-missed you.”

The silence that followed your words was deafening. He stared at you with blank eyes and then you saw how his jaw clenched. He draws in a sigh, calming himself.

“Look Y/n,” he starts. “I’m glad that you’re back on achieving your dreams, I really am. But that doesn’t mean we can go back to how we were before as well.” his tone was stern and cold that it pierced straight to your chest.

“Hee—”

“A lot already changed, Y/n. You broke me so bad that night that it took me a while to actually recover. I loved you, I was ready to fight for you no matter what, but you gave up. You gave us up.” your head hang low at his words.

“You will always have a place in my heart, Y/n. But I’m sorry, I don’t think I love you that way anymore.”

You raised your head and stared at his eyes. Your heart sank when you saw how he looked a bit hurt just by thinking about what happened in the past. You mentally cursed yourself for thinking of getting back with him. You shouldn’t even thought of talking to him.

You tried hard to flash him a smile as a tear fell from your eye. “I’m s-sorry, Heeseung.” you said and you saw how he teared his gaze away from you.

You licked your lips and sighed heavily, “I just want to say I’m very proud of you and that I love you.” and you stepped closer to place your gift not to far from him.

“I hope you’ll accept this. Its just supplements and vitamins to keep you healthy for the tour. Goodluck.” and you turned your heels to start walking away.

Your tears streamed continuously as you ride the car on your way back. The whole night, you cried yourself to sleep then the next day, you tried to busy yourself with trainings. Your members didn’t asked about it. After that day, you swore to yourself that you’ll focus on yourself and career. You will leave him alone because he's already doing good without you.

His tour started and you are happy to see him enjoying it so well.

On the other hand, your debut was a success. Fans loved you and it was the best feeling ever. Somehow it diverts your attention away from Heeseung. As his tour continuous, your promotion went on as well.

You are starting to get known around the country that you’ve been invited at some variety shows. Some fans even started shipping you with one of the artist from the same agency, Beomgyu from TXT. The two of you just laughs it off knowing that it won’t ever happen because he's good friends with your ex. He do loves to tease the fans, tho.

Months pass by and your group was given a chance to do a big show at Seoul. You are very overwhelmed and very happy. These are the moments you’d realized how worthy all the pain and hardships you went through. You lost some, but also gain a lot along the way.

“Again, this is (Band name)! Thank you so much!” and you all bowed altogether before exiting the stage happily, waving at the fans endlessly.

Behind the stage, you cheered together with them and took some photos to post at your social medias. On your way to the dressing room, your eyes looked at your phone when your phone buzzed for a text. It was Beomgyu. You two were hanging out around too much, lately.

“Y/n, I forgot to mention.” your manager starts. “Beomgyu is right by the parking lot behind. He’s waiting for you.”

You nodded and grabbed a jacket so you can go to him. Some of the members teased you that you just ignored before you went there to meet him. He was smiling widely when he saw you, opening his arms to ask for a hug. You laughed and quickly gave him an embrace.

“You did so well, Miss!” he said and smiled proudly.

You pursed your lips and thanked him. “I have a gift for you.” and he pulls off the hug excited and go behind the car.

“What? You don’t really have to—” your lips pouted when you saw a big bouquet of flowers. It was so pretty.

“Thank you, Beomgyu.” you said sincerely as you stare at it, mind starting to flow somewhere else. The scene kind of remind you of something, your heart can’t help but to ache.

“Read the card!” he snaps you back to reality and you chuckled then opens it.

‘Look behind you.’ your brows furrowed at the message, but slowly turned your head.

Your eyes grew big at the sight of Lee Heeseung walking closer. He’s wearing a hoodie, but you are so sure that it was him. Right, today was the day they came back from their tour. You didn’t even realized it. You can’t utter a single word while looking at him. When he stood right in front of you, that's when it finally sink in. He’s here. He’s in front of you. Lee Heeseung is here.

“Hi.” he greeted and smiled a little.

“H-Hello,” you stuttered.

Beomgyu laughs behind you and walks closer. He pats Heeseung’s shoulder before exiting himself.

“W-What...?” you can’t make up a sentence because you’re in a complete shock.

He cleared his throat, his adams apple moved out of nervous. He licked his lips and stared straight through your eyes.

“What are you doing here, Heeseung?” you finally managed to ask, confused and heart racing so fast at the same time.

He sighed, “I missed you too, Y/n. I missed you so much.”

—————

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[luphorics]

wait so let me get this straight.... the devs confirmed that mostly everything we've done in the past dragon age games more or less have no relevancy to da:v now? save for like 3 decisions in da:i?

i'm not really complaining though. but i can definitely see how its upsetting to other players.

its honestly tricky to really squeeze in every game-changing decision we made from the past games (not like that was ever really possible before either, though i'm not highly nitpicky abt it), tho i think it'd be fun if we still had some control over our world-state. a few codices or some voicelines abt what happened or what our prior characters have done. but, there definitely might've been circumstances that led into this decision.

edit: i wanna mention that i'm a latecomer/returner into the franchise—which is why i'm not as strongly affected by this decision nor can i speak strongly abt all of this (not that i really want to anyways... bc doomposting bad). but, i absolutely get the frustration from others.

i think it's safe to consider that this was probably smth bioware had to sacrifice due to being in development hell. though, i feel like we shouldn't resort to constant doomposting. it's just not healthy... and imo i think a lot of people are blowing this way too outta proportion. enjoy what da:v has to offer in the very end.

[chunkymamatam]

Do you have any more info about shifting to MHA? I know that was probably a while ago but I really wanna try shifting there so yeah!! :DDD

Yeah. It was a really long time ago. Like 4 years lol

So this was actually the first time and place I wanted to shift to. It was mostly mini shifting.

One time I went and I “gained sentience” as me and my friends like to call it lmfao in the street. I looked around and I was like “oh shit. I’m actually here.. huh. I wonder if I can bother Hawks” I saw he was busy and I was like “man I’ll go bother Aizawa he’s too busy with fan girls for me to introduce myself.” I go to walk off and I hear flapping of wings

My first thought was “ah he has hero work to do.” Tell me why this man lands in front of me and knocks me on my ass. That shit hurt like a bitch 😭THEN HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO ASK IF I NEED HELP GETTING UP LIKE HE DIDN'T DO THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE

Also keep in mind I had never met that man until then. I shifted home it freaked me out so bad lol It's funnier when I remember over there my clone teleported her ass away pfff

The next time I managed to shift there I was in an alleyway and all of a sudden a feather floats down. This stalking ass bitch was watching me up above. He drops down and I kindly (NOT) tell him he needs to stop doing that shit (He hasn't done it since pfffff) and he was like

"So.. You're the one who teleported away in the middle of a crowded area?"

"What does that matter? The fuck were you doing watching me???"

"That's for me to know and you to never find out! Haha anyway duty calls" THEN THE BITCH FLIES AWAY Keep in mind I didn't think he was actually stalking me and that's why I didn't freak out more and this next bit happened.

I left after that interacting and came back a different night. It was night and I was just trying to figure out wtf to do now that I'm here and tell me why this man appears behind me saying some "We meet again!" Now if I call you one of my many claimable slurs...(/j) but seriously tho little 18 year old Tam was just happy to be there lmfao. He comes at me with the "I just got off of work you wanna get a bite to eat"

... I said yes and he finally asked my name LMFAO I ended up going to his place at the end of the night. Crazy I know but again I didn't think he was ACTUALLY stalking me okay????

It gets better because after that I ended up accidentally shifting into the LOV hide out LMFAO I literally don't know why tf my clone was there but I was trying to get out of there so fast. They wanted me dead bro. Now I momentarily shot myself in the foot when I was arguing why they should let me live. Shiggy asked why I should be allowed to live and I was like "I got dirt on everyone"

he said "prove it"

I was like "Well I got dirt on everyone here too so I could probably prove it like that"

BRUH BAD MOVE THEY WANTED ME GONE EVEN WORSE WHEN I PROVED IT

I revealed to Dabi I knew who he was and gave a few details about every person there that I definitely shouldn't have know from there perspective but then Magne came in and I was like "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE STILL ALIVE????" proceeded to give them life saving advice for her and went home cuz that shit was TOO stressful. had to let my clone deal lmfao

It worked considering I was a free man when i went back. did it last long? no. Was freedom nice for a while?? yeah. Tell me why I run into Hawks and Endeavor. He introduced us and idk if it's just his face but bro was mean mugging me. Endeavor please stop looking at me like that I haven't even started dogging on you verbally yet. They end up running off to do their job or whatever and I walk off. Tell me why I see Shigaraki creeping in an alleyway just watching. HELLO??? I cross the street and end up getting snatched up by Dabi and Twice anyway but fucking christ bro. They take me to the warehouse and tell me why they hit me with the "You were right" MAGNE FUCKING DIED BRO I WAS SO UPSET

Long story short they forced me to stay with them after that. Dabi for the longest time gave me the cold shoulder and was acting like he hated me. I'm just gonna say he didn't and not go too far into what happened cuz idk how old you are. There was also this time when Shigaraki kissed me out of nowhere. I was drunk and rambling and crying about something to him and he kissed me. Gonna be honest I thought he just wanted me to shut up and he was just following the trope. I didn't think he liked me. I only found out because he found out what happened with Dabi and chased me down to confront me about it. It was a wild time. I was so fucking scared bro.

He said "How did you not know I liked you??? I literally kissed you"

"I thought you just wanted me to STFU!"

Shiggy after I said that dumb shit:

I'm fucking stupid when it comes to people liking me in short. I stopped going to that specific DR shortly after that. I have other MHA DRs if y'all wanna hear about them.

[ishallsimpforeternity]

Spoilers for TADC episode 3 under cut. I need to rant, okay?

HOOOLLLYYY SHIT that was a ride. Like, the horror was good but the kinger lore?!!?!? Like, I was sitting there during the Mildenhall monologue bit mentioning his wife and was like "Lmao imagine if the reason kinger looks so upset is bc it mimics his own life" and then getting SMACKED with the kinger wife lore. Also, the "seven years of computer science for this?" Bit?? Thats defo important. He says he hated bugs, what if he was a programmer for the game and that's why he hated the bugs?? But then his wife made him love them (maybe bc she showed him the cool shit u can do with bugs and glitches in games). Like, give this man a hug and his wife back. The fact the fandom was right about him having a wife is insane tho. It was worth staying up until it released for. Loved the episode, loved the lore but wish we got more time with lady Mildenhall (that's what I'm calling the ghost lady until I learn her actual name). Also, more Caine screen time and him having a crisis was great. Like, he was kinda a mood during the "You're implying I'm bad at the one thing I do" part. I want to give him and Kinger a hug. And Zooble too. The hating your body thing is definitely something I (probably shouldn't but do anyways) relate to. Kinda hope some of their issues are resolved and they find a form they like.

[viviettezheart]

Jealous ★ Shinji Ikari

Note! Smut?, jealousy, angst, y/n is the fourth child (characters aged up!!!)

💌

"I see so you're telling me your head over heels for shinji ikari!?" Asked Misato you with a grin before taking a hit from her cigarette. "What no!" You almost shouted as you blushed but then you looked down. "Mabye i don't Really know!? Like i get jealous when he talks to Asuka or Rei even tho i shouldn't get jealous over this stupid things like this!" You explained while your legs started to bounce up and down quickly while you picked on your bottom lip. A habit of yours when you get nervous or when your trying to express yourself because that's nothing you can do so easily.

"Mabye you should talk to him about it?" She raised her eyebrows and shrugged her shoulders. She threw her cig on the floor, stepped on it and put a hand your shoulder for you to calm down a bit. "I guess your right but what if-!" "Aht aht aht!" She stopped you by laying her finger on your lips for you to be quiet, what you then did.

You walked through Nerve's headquarters and saw Shinji talking to Asuka and its like if someone hits the jealous button, you get jealous all of the sudden and its making you think of all the times you been in this exact same situation. Shinji talks to someone else who is either a girl or an woman and you get instantly jealous. Asuka and Shinji stopped talking and you saw him coming in your direction. "hey ikari can we ehm mabye talk for a second?" You asked and he nodded not knowing your screaming inside your head. "Ehm okay how should i put it? I erm i get jealous!" "You get jealous? Jealous of what?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Jealous of you talking to other girls like Asuka or Rei and i know i have no right to get jealous since we aren't dating but i get jealous. Fuckk now its out and you know my secret and now you probably think i'm some crazy chick who is obsessed with you no its not that i-" "oh wow i wasn't expecting that!" He interrupted you with his reaction which left you wanting to sink in a deep puddle and never come up again. "I should probably go i-" "No wait (name)! I have to tell you something too!" "Oh really?" "Yes i also get jealous when you talk to our classmates especially when you talk to toji, i can see in his eyes that whenever he sees you he wants to fuck you." "I-" you were speechless until you just leaned forward and kissed his lips. To your surprise he kissed you too but to your misfortune Asuka saw you too kissing and she also always liked Shinji even tho she never showed it.

It was the next day after you kissed Shinji and Asuka has been acting really different lately, not that she stop talking about about you or anyone else but she also always looks in your direction like she expects you to say sorry but sorry for what?.

Asuka bumped into you in the school halls but you could clearly see that it was with intentions so you confronted it. "What is your fucking problem Asuka!?" You shouted after her but she didn't turned around just flipped you off with her middle finger. You rolled your eyes and walked in the opposite direction. "Mabye she saw me and you kissing Shinji and now she is upset about it?" You confessed to shinji who stroked your legs which where over his thighs.

"Babyy! And if she shes upset let her be!" He said and now stroked your thighs instead of your legs. His hands rolled up your short pyjama pants and started playing with the hem of your black lace panties. "Shinji not now?" "Why not? Come on baby!" "…Fine!" You agreed and laid down on your bed. It was dark, the only light in your room was the moonlight shining through your windows. Shinji pulled down your shorts + panties and began fingering you, two fingers rubbing your clit. He mabye doesn't know how to comfort but he definitely does know how to fuck.

You laid your arm over your eyes and just let Shinji do his thing, a few quiet moans and gasps leave your mouth but you mind still wouldn’t shake of that fact the Asuka is jealous now that you and shinji are dating. “Ah~shinji c-coming!” You whined loudly and gasped again as you orgasmd on his fingers.

The alarm went off, signaling that a Angel was near by. The four of you were walking to your EVAs while wearing your thigh body suits. Yours were pink which matched your dark brown hair.

The angel crashed Asuka’s EVA and as you saw it happen you were stuck like a deer in headlights but once you snapped out of it you moved your EVA to hers. You exit your own EVA, risking your life but you didn’t care in that exact moment, all you cared about was saving Asuka and that’s what you did.

You turned the wheel which was extremely heavily but you manged to open it and pulled Asuka out of the yellow hot liquid.

Misato was yelling at you through the small headphones you had in your ear but you didn’t care and put Asuka in your EVA while Shinji and Rei killed the angel. Asuka was brought into the hospital room, you sat outside of of the hospital room waiting for the doctors to finish so you can know if she’s going to make it out or not. A few minutes later a doctor came outside and told you good news, Asuka is in a healthy condition but she needs to rest. You nodded and went to your home which you share with Misato, Shinji and Asuka.

It was already late at night, around 2ish in the morning. you were sitting at the table in your one shoulder off sleeping shirt and some shorts from Shinji. drool was escaping the side of your mouth, you had fallen asleep on the table with a beer bottle in your hand.

Suddenly the door opened, tearing you awake from your slumber. You looked up, eyes widening as you saw Asuka standing at doorway. You rushed to her and hugged her, “do you know how worried i was for you!?” “Thank you… and I’m sorry” she whispered and returned her hug which surprised you a lot since you thought she hates you. Your hand patted her hair as she cried on your shoulder. “It’s okay, I’m just happy that your still alive” you said and continued patting her.

Misato woke up and wanted to grab herself something to drink, beer of course but then she saw you two hugging so she stayed in her room watching the two of you get along for a few minutes.

[callanee]

Look, I get why people are upset, but uh, as someone whose BEEN the First Queer Partner™ before, Tommy's break up with Buck here does actually make sense.

I've kinda been of the opinion that Tommy shouldn't be End Game for Buck, even tho personally I really enjoyed their relationship (same way I felt about Abby coincidentally lmao) because like. I'm so tired of the whole character A stays forever and madly in love with the first queer person they end up with. And I feel like, especially when done with a bi character, can kind of end up weird, like they're just saying they're basically gay or worse, only gay for character B.

And because I think they both deserve better in the longterm (and that if they were really invested in keeping Tommy around long term his racism should've been addressed, I get it had been a long time but it had literally personally affected 2 of the most important people in Buck's life).

But like, there's an awkward imbalance when you're in a relationship like that, where one of you is settling into your queerness and the other's queerness is already well rooted. And for the Buck, it's exciting! It's thrilling! You're learning all of these new things about yourself and doing it without someone you didn't even know you could have!

And for the Tommy, it's fun and it's hot, and there's something endearing and nostalgic about getting to help someone you care about along that journey, and it's really stressful. Because you're the first. And you know how important that First relationship was for you and how much damage and/or beauty it brought into your life, and how much it changed you. It feels like a lot of responsibility. And ultimately, you know it's going to end, because most of the time, you just don't get it right the first try.

So yeah, I think Tommy probably made the right call for himself. He saw Buck rushing in too fast, because he's excited and impulsive, and not because he's actually In Love with him, and said "Oh wait, I know where this is going".

And on Buck's end, he was literally about to make the same mistake he did with Abby. I mean. That feels like a pretty explicit parallel from the writing team.

[loveislandthegame]

I feel like Frankie is getting lost in all of this. I like the girl but she's very generic so I think she may leave soon which is going to be unfortunate.

As for Nylah, she did a complete 180 at the dirty laundry challenge. I don't know what's gotten into her but I was going to leave Milo alone for her cuz I got to support the black girls on here cuz Lord knows the sub hates em when she was getting all aggy 😭 I want Lizbeth to stay the most. She's the best girlie.

And as for Sofia, I'm glad we getting the chance to get at her but I feel like Tristan is disrespecting her a little bit doing all that " you remember this right?" Like cut it! But I do like his design So I'm with you on that!

yeah i feel bad for franki 😭 people who actually want to romance hayden probably have a different perspective, but in my opinion she's not that bad. she even defended my MC when sofia called her out for kissing jesse during truth or dare

it’d be nice if she had some friendship moments with MC or something. most of her screen time now is just her moping because hayden keeps playing in her face, so i agree that she's probably gonna be the first to go

i’m not surprised about nyah but it’s still disappointing of course. FB can’t go one season without villainising black women, so they hit us with that 2 for 1 “making her shady for literally no reason” & “making her go after the fan favourite LI” combo. it doesn’t help that the fandom enables that foolishness 💆🏽

i love lisbeth too ! at least she's safe, since she's the bestie/LI of the season

sofia is just soooo poorly written. she has nothing going on besides being an absurdly terrible person, & she's just gonna get worse as the season progresses. i don't know how FB is gonna top "straight up lying about MC being a cheater" but i'm not looking forward to it

you're right about tristan. i hope he isn’t just here to harass sofia, that'd be such creep behaviour 😭 i have no clue why he seems to want her when he was supposedly so upset about her cheating on her bf with him (unless he's doing his own "burn the villa" route/planning on sabotaging sofia, that would actually be interesting but also a bit Weird)

i shouldn't expect critical thinking from these "writers" tho 😭

[golbrocklovely]

guys i am genuinely angry at snc right now lol

i need to vent about this bc i feel like i'm the only one not on crazy pills while everyone else is enjoying their time sksksk

snc have a constantly moving chat on xplrclub now. it has caused MULTIPLE issues within the couple weeks it has been up. prime example being that snc had to make RULES, one being NOT TO SEXUALIZE THEM. yes. that happened, within the first 72 hours of the chat being a thing. they had to tell ppl "hey, maybe don't talk about our dicks in a public chat we can see."

and many other things have happened too. some of which i can't even mention on here. and ppl on xplrclub have been asking snc to get mods or do something to help fix things.

and boy oh boy did snc make a choice lol

they made a post asking for fans to apply to become VOLUNTEER MODS. they said that those that get chosen will get perks and merch and shit like that for being a mod.

the amount of annoyance i have rn is astronomical. i literally have a headache from being so annoyed sksks

first and foremost THEY NEED TO HIRE PPL. snc make WAY TOO MUCH MONEY to be asking for volunteers. that's just the reality of the situation. they own two mansions, but are asking for volunteers on an app they CHARGE FOR? you have to be kidding me with that one lol

not to mention, you're asking for ppl to volunteer their free time on an app they are paying for to "make sure it's safe for everyone". yall got me ABSOLUTELY FUCKED UP if you think i'm gonna lose money basically burning my free time away just to mod a chat full of ppl i have blocked on twitter. PAY ME BITCH. life is expensive. how about you volunteer eating this ass lmao

secondly, whoever they end up picking is gonna have a complex. that's inevitable. even if they choose exclusively grandmas that aren't in fandom drama AT ALL, those fans would think "obviously snc love me so much and i am one of their favorites", and that's the best case scenario. reality is they are gonna pick ppl that will BRAG on other platforms and then get big headed bc they will have a direct line to snc. and then on top of that, you are gonna cause fans to feel bad for not getting chosen, or think that snc don't love them. that ALONE should be enough for snc to know "hey maybe we shouldn't do this bc it's gonna cause favoritism in this fandom that already has a MIRADE OF ISSUES".

not only is all of this an issue, but then on top of that fans are asking for MULTIPLE CHATS to exist, one being an 18+ chat. and look, i don't like talking to minors either (even tho i know i have probably gotten asks from quite a few on here over the years). that being said, i ALSO know how to keep things age appropriate when talking to someone that's a kid compared to my big ass age. and that's what chat SHOULD be for. an 18+ chat will just become a gross spot for fans to sexualize snc, or say weird shit and think they can get away with it just bc it's 18+. yall should be able to talk to ppl underage without it getting weird. they only thing yall have in common is liking snc. stick to that topic and it shouldn't go south fast. or you know, DON'T ENGAGE WITH MINORS???? it's that simple too lol

yall know i love snc. but this is the dumbest, greediest, laziest "solution" to a problem they have ever created. i am genuinely so upset at them. not only that, but some of the ppl that have said they already applied to be a mod……………… this is gonna go south so fast it's not funny.

i mean literally one person that applied i have blocked on everything bc she's fucking weird and constantly sexualizes colby and basically begs for him to dick her down, and another one that applied is TRANSPHOBIC. make it make sense yall.

[shyfairies]

Hello, can I have a matchup please? :3 Romantic please! A guy please!

When it comes to my type, I go for villians most of the time, they are more interesting for me than heroes. I like total opposites of me! I like dangerous characters hehe

My biggest love language is words of affirmation, I would say "I love you" and stuff like that very often. The second one is probably physical touch I am Leo and ExFJ!

About my appearance: -Around 156 cm height -Chubby -brown eyes -chin length hair with bangs -round glasses

I am pretty social, however I prefer to spend time alone! I care about others a lot… To an unhealthy amount honestly but I'm working on it! I care too much about what others feel and think and it's tiring, I just want to be selfish sometimes and care about myself even if it sounds mean. I am most of the time unserious and I love to joke around, serious situations are stressful so I prefer to be joyful, but I do like talking about serious topics (sometimes) I apologize A LOT, I apologize so much that it might too annoying but I always feel a sense of guilt inside of me. I'm also VERY sensitive and worry about everything. Ah and I'm pretty dumb and I am not trying to insult myself I am just silly hehe and I'm okay with that.

I am very sensitive and its easy to make me cry! Someone can be mad at me a bit and I would about to cry already. Cute things makes me also want to cry… Overall like I said I am very sensitive. I feel guilty about everything 24/7 even if I shouldn't feel guilty thats why I apologize so much. I also have anger issues and its very easy to make me angry.

I love horror and scary things! It excites me a lot

Thank you so much and I hope thats not too much info!

i match you with...♡

☆risotto nero☆

first thought was how cute the height difference would be

i definitely think he would love how small you are compared to him

risotto is pretty down to business most the time but you can tell he really cares about his team

it's the same for you but of course he cares about you most!

you'd unlock a different side in him, lowkey i could see him calling you pet names like "my lover" or "dear" without realizing it and then he'd get embarrassed when he does lol

when he's not busy you guys would often have long talks about anything and everything

he's a GREAT listener omg he could listen to you talk for hours

there's definitely no lying to this man, he will see through any facade you put on

he just wants to help you

sometimes when he's had a hard day he might lose his temper and snap at you

he'd immediately realize what he did when he sees your face and instantly feel so terrible

when you apologize to him it crushes his heart because he knows it's not your fault he's mad

not huge on physical touch but he loves to hold you, especially when you're upset

when it comes to bed time i don't think he'd initiate cuddles but if you end up snuggling up to him there is NO WAY that man is pushing you away

when you guys first get together he'd kind of have to get used to saying i love you alot

but with time there will never be a time you say "i love you" and he doesn't say it back

when you guys are out in public you definitely will get him out of his comfort zone but he likes it

he just loves seeing you happy

however he will immediately notice when your social battery is drained and he'll take you somewhere else

"y/n and i have places to be so we'll be going now"

you might be a little worried about what they think but he'll reassure you that it's okay to take time for yourself

lowkey thinks it's cute when you get mad???

will pummel whatever made you mad tho

like if anyone touches you they're done

tends to make insensitive jokes and doesn't realize they're insensitive until he sees the look on your face and the wave of guilt will just wash over him

you might have to give him a lil slap

"sorry amore"

doesn't really care for movies but will watch them with you if you ask

i could see you guys doing matching halloween costumes and him being like "this is so stupid" and you're standing there with a big smile on your face

he just loves you and will do anything to keep you safe and happy❤️(even if he has a hard time showing it)

p.s. OKAY that was my first time writing for risotto so i really hope it's okay😭 i haven't watched part 5 in quite a bit so if it's inaccurate you have my sincerest apologies❤️

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi. Um. So I'm really nervous about this whole “sending people a vent anonymously” thing, but I've seen ppl so do this so so so much and I've written once to you before so I think this might be an okay place for me to kind of just live in. For a bit.

Okay, so I've always known that since forever, I'm open to dating anybody, no matter what's in their pants or what ever gender they identify as. If I like them, I like them. That's that. I mean I have a preference for boys I think but girls and enbys and everything else are totally my vibe, as long as I like them enough.

One time I had a crush on a boy (We'll call him Aj for short). I think I fell in love with him, even though my crush on him ended up being found out. (Which, all in all, was absolutely devastating.) Aj was this beautiful, funny, kind, and overall amazing boy that I deeply cared about and he was my bestest friend. He'd pretend to be characters from series (particularly Attack on Titan characters) and it'd be entertaining since he was quite good at it. Eventually I told my gbf (A, for lack of better name) that I liked him. And I think she told a girl who we'll call Al (who, coincidentally, liked Aj too). I don't know if it was her. I also told this girl who I'm naming E since she asked. I trusted her despite not knowing her well. One of them told him and after that it got out to my whole grade. I hated it but got over him fairly quick.

I think it's happening again. And I mean like I think I'm falling in love again?? With a boy we'll call B. He's really sweet, funny, pretty, and honestly quite cool. We bicker all the time and our classmates call it “couple fighting” which is something that neither of us comment on. I like B a lot.

Except that the idea of being with anybody makes me sick. I can't even imagine it. I can't see myself in a future with anybody and I don't know why. But also. The idea of being alone forever makes me feel weird. Not good, at least. I mean I know for a fact I don't want to marry or have kids, something I'm committed to. But I don't get why all my friends can see themselves with kids and married and a husband/wife and I just CAN'T.

Yet I still like B?? I mean, when I like Aj I could see myself staying with him, being loyal and all. Not married or having kids but I could see myself with him.

I don't get why nobody else feels like this and it makes me feel like I'm just the odd one in the group and that, being the outsider, makes me feel terrible because I've always tried to fit in and be friendly. (something, I've been told, that I'm not good at. I have anger issues so that doesn't really affect me but now it's making me upset)

And I rlly don't want to bring this up.

Dunno what to do. I'm completely lost.

Also you're probably going to ask when I wrote to you before and honestly idk what I wrote or if you responded to my specific ask. It was really similar to “drained anons” first paragraph but I'm honestly unsure. Dunno if you got it or not. I remember saying something about being scared of my mom, on good terms with my siblings, my transgender issues (feeling like a boy mostly and a girl other times), and also my friend A’s (gbf, here) mom issues and wanting to help A. I never said anything about pills or sh from what I remember. So I don't think I'm drained anon. I did say that you don't have to respond tho

Okay I think I'm rambling sorry I'm done this was all I needed to say lol byeee <3

Hi!!

There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to be with someone, but not wanting to get married or have kids. I know plenty of people who feel this way.

I think when people are younger, they fantasize about marriage and having children because they might only think about the romanticized parts. But as you get older? Trust me, you will not be alone.

Also, I truly think, if you like B and B likes you, there's no reason why you shouldn't date. You're still in school, you don't have to talk about marriage and kids anytime soon. I would just talk about it if things get more serious.

But yeah- there's nothing wrong with your feelings, and you're definitely not alone.

I'm naming you commitment anon in case you write back.

[barghest-land]

thinking about very human things rn, like getting upset over stuff on the internet lol. sometimes i really don't like mostly making fan art (like rn), because with time i get used to people liking my stuff. and then when i post things that aren't related to the fandom (or they are but not really), the internet punishes me for it. even tho i might like those drawings even more, they'll never be that popular and it makes me wanna write something smart about it here. i'm not gonna be smart today tho i'll just be upset over it cuz it feels like a natural thing to do lmao 😭 i hate that it makes me think that the drawings i'm so proud of (!!!) aren't that good because of how people react to it. it shouldn't be that way. i mean, drawing for giggles and for a good response (we all can get stuck in that loophole sometimes) is fun and all, but it shouldn't affect my creativity and how i think about my own art. but unfortunately i have a silly human brain. and it does affect it. also i know it's something smart probably about an easy serotoning boost because u post something -> people like it!! weeee! -> u feel good too!! WEEE!!!!!!!! so it's logical to be upset when u don't get the same "weeee!!!" doing the very same thing. and this pattern annoys me too tbh.

[that-gay-guy-from-hell]

Vent post

Content warning: memory loss (I guess)

(This is for context) So yall know how having trauma fucks with your head-- especially if it was during your childhood and for an extended time. Well I've got a lot of issues with remembering things.

As some of you know, I went to a Qbomb + TLT concert a little short of two weeks ago. I remember that I enjoyed myself but I can't recall any specifics.

I can't recall most of the music.

I can't recall what was said during the performances.

I can't remember watching either band perform.

I can barely even remember meeting Yoav and Sam.

It's like when someone tells you that this thing happened when you were little but you were so young you can't remember it yourself. Like, I know I was there- that I danced- screamed- and had a fun time... but it's vague at best.

My whole life has, admittedly, been this way and I usually just joke about it enough that it doesn't bother me.

But this was something I was so excited for and ready to do; only to have fuzzy bits and cookie cutter feelings to paste to it.

I don't smoke weed, drink, or do anything that would interfere with my memories. My medications have changed many times and it's never done anything to my memories. So why the fuck can't my mind just, yah know, work..?

It's has been just pissing me off... Like, I want to be able to recall fun things and fun times but it's really hard for me to. Course my stupid ass didn't take all but like 4 photos.

Getting alzhiemers or dementia are one of my biggest fears-- I just... it makes me so tired some times. Humor is pretty much my only cope when it comes to this so when I can't find myself in the mood to be funny about it then... Then I just get upset.

. . .

Also, don't take this as me fishing for sympathy. I just needed to vent and Instagram has too many people that would try to text me about it (old friends and classmates).

Oh and just to add on because I hate leaving on a bad note-- Pretty sure I majorly fucked up my left knee at the concert lmao. My knee drifts really bad so my left foot is like a penguins. So me a very fat man who doesn't get out much and was wearing boots that had cardboard in them to keep my feet in a comfortable spot* probably shouldn't have been jumping around like I was. My ass was moving pretty much through whole like 1 1/2 - 2 hours of music (save for the last 2 songs, I felt super light headed *hadn't eaten or drank in over 12 hours at that point lmfao*). Can't kneel on my left knee without wanting to keel over and it feels sore still lmfaooo

*they're like size 11 and I wear 9 1/2 because I have wide feet; the 11 boots are left over from a theatre proformance in high school. They're like really nice leather boots tho so I wanted to wear them.

Okay I think that's all I've got for now. As a small bonus I'll let yall know that I have several TLT things I need to post and have been working on (maybe even a Rust comic 🤔 who knows).

Hope you all are doing well and make sure to drink lots of water. Much love yall, sorry again for the random ass rant.

[lightwarriorinc]

/post/190330484060 "the post-canon AU I’ve made in my head in which they fight some more and work out their differences and Fighter gets help and BM actually tries to be a better person [...] and ughhhhh I could go on for days" (slides you a $20) please go on for days

(pockets the $20) BOY HOWDY HERE WE GO

Firstly I need you to imagine me getting pulled back into 8BT like a guy getting yanked off a stage with a cane by this ask ok

Secondly...ah. My boys. Here we go

(Probably needless to say for how old 8BT is but spoilers for the whole thing below)

This is one of many post-canon AUs that I have. So 8BT is cyclical right? Just like FF1 it ends where it begins. And none of the (main) characters really grow or change over the course, and that's part of what drive the comedy home, the subversion not only of typical fantasy-RPG-genre characters, plots, and tropes, but the outright aversion of the usual narrative expectations. Characters usually have an arc, but the LWs only tease arcs (see: the couple times BM starts to imply that he' gonna turn good, Thief continuing to steal after he has no real reason too, etc.).

But what if they did have arcs tho.

The Temple of Fiend Revisited kinda fucks Fighter up. For the first time, he's without Black Mage for a long time, and everything's going to shit, and he even ends up having to face BM in battle and gets killed by him. He gets revived by Sarda but still. Dude's frequently breaking reality with how upset he is.

After the LWs run off to try to take credit for saving the world, and that ends up not happening thanks to WM making sure the DWs get all the credit, the LWs are kinda like. Well. We're done. See ya

Thief goes to prepare to rule Elfland. RM runs off to go start his last members of secret sects club or whatever. BM tries to get away from Fighter again but Fighter's just like wait what. No. Get back here

But still...something is off for Fighter. He's fine! They made it out alive and intact! He's with his best buddy again! He should be fine! But BM crossed a line with killing WM, even if it was by accident. And he started killing the other LWs too. And for some reason even though his friend is the nicest and sweetest guy in the whole world Fighter can't get that pain and those images out of his head. BM notices that Fighter seems a bit off, but he brushes it off. It's always something with that guy.

But Fighter starts noticing how callous and mean BM is being with everyone they run into. The rose-colored glasses start to lose their tint. And more and more Fighter's speaking up with "shouldn't we help that guy?" or "was nuking that entire orphanage really necessary?" And BM gets fed up with him and is like LOOK. THE OTHERS ARE GONE. WE DO THINGS MY WAY NOW AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN LEAVE.

And Fighter goes Fine. And leaves.

And it's the hardest and most painful decision of his life. But he wants to be a Hero, and he can't do that when BM's constantly undoing all his good deeds. Even if he's not really smart enough to connect all the dots, he at least knows now that he's better off alone.

But BM? BM is not better off alone. At first he's ecstatic, he never thought he'd be rid of Fighter and his shenanigans, but he is! He's finally alone! He can nuke all the orphanages he wants! He can be the evil, brooding, villainous wizard he was always meant to be without having to worry about his idiot meat shield giving away all their money or accepting some stupid 'save the world' quest or throwing cereal all over the kitchen floor or whatever!

He promptly goes out to his first solo fight and gets beaten to a pulp.

Yeah...he stuck with Fighter in the first place because he needed a meat shield. In the end, he's just a squishy wizard who misses most of his attacks. But that's okay! He doesn't need Fighter, he just has to change tactics! Be sneaky and deliberate and gain some experience with the weaker enemies in Corneria before he gets back into the swing of things!

Jump cut to BM sitting in the rain like a sad puppy missing Fighter for much more than his damage soaking. He misses sharing a tent with him, he misses watching him cut down enemies in battle, he misses his warmth and talking comics with him and listening to insane sword-themed rants and his cooking (Fighter was gonna give up the blade to be a short order cook, you can't tell me he doesn't cook for the team) and his impromptu hugs and how he seemed to care for him despite the cruelty of the rest of the world and why did he leave?!?!?! WHY?!?!?

So cue both of them getting help. And they both get help from the same person.

Fighter goes to the White Mages' Guild because they heal people who are hurt and he's hurt. And maybe he can pick up another magical companion! He ends up running into WM and they chat a bit, and WM's happy that Fighter got out of his abusive friendship, and she gives Fighter a bit of advice about moving on, but Fighter can't find another companion there and he ends up sulking away to try to throw himself into his heroism.

And BM ends up running into WM as well, and she braces herself for another round of dealing with him but he's just oddly quiet and talks about how he's totally not missing Fighter, and she's like 'good, and you better stay away from him because he deserves someone who's a lot nicer to him and who will support him in his efforts to improve the world and not a mean, stinky little jerk like you', and BM just suddenly gets something in his eye and runs away. And WM checks the Guild for mold and carbon monoxide leaks because there's no way that just happened.

But that's the kick in the pants that BM needs. Of course Fighter left him! He thought BM was nice until he realized he wasn't and then he left. So was their friendship just a result of Fighter's overbearing stupidity? Is BM just better off pretending like none of this ever happened?

Or is there a chance that he could get Fighter back...?

By being...k...kh...kuh-iii....kuhhhiiinnnd??? Ugh. He just threw up a little bit.

In the next couple weeks, BM just happens to bump into Fighter a couple times. And Fighter jut kinda tries to brush him off, and BM is like...trying to be nice in the only way he can. Which is, he's trying to imitate Fighter.

"Yeah uh...I was thinking...maybe it is, like, a good thing that...the world exists. Maybe I shouldn't have learned all those apocalypse spells. Maybe I should've put my time into, like...I dunno. Feeding the poor or whatever. Or like. Volunteering. Yeah. There's gotta be some use for a dark wizard down at the community garden or something."

And Fighter's like. Huh. What

And eventually...he figures he's gotta give BM a chance. That's what he does. He's a good person deep down, and if his former best buddy has really turned over a new leaf, then he wants to encourage that! So he keeps an eye on BM, and watches as BM slowly starts to build a repertoire of being nice.

He watches BM go to pop some kid's balloon, hesitate, and then turn away. He watches BM stand still for a really long time at a store till before pulling out some extra money and paying for the guy behind them. He watches BM open a spellbook on a hot day and spontaneously teach himself an ice spell to help keep them both cooled off. They start hanging out more and more and they slowly start to get along again.

And then somebody tries to take advantage of their kindness. And BM get PISSED. Chases them away, throws a couple fireballs at them, and spits some nasty words. Wheels around and yells at Fighter, what's the point of being nice if we're just gonna get pushed around by assholes like that all the time?!?!?!

And Fighter just smiles and thanks him for protecting him from that guy, since without people protecting each other like that, there would be no goodness left in the world.

BM is still evil deep down. He doesn't like being nice, doesn't like helping people, doesn't really like the world. And Fighter is still good deep down. But they understand each other a lot better, and they're nice to each other, and they take care of each other. Not many people are happy to see that lovable dork Fighter hanging out with stinky mean little BM again, but it's evident that something about them has changed, and they're happy together.

[ask-stede-bonnet]

ooc: would you ever consider dialing back on Stede's engagement with CJ? he takes up so much oxygen and you interact with him more than with Ed even. it's kind of weird that he's allowed to insert himself into their inkeeper era so much, especially given how Stede responds to people who make Ed feel bad. shouldn't this kind of head canon saved for fic instead?

ooc: no. me and the jack mod are friends and this fun for us. I'm sorry you don't like it (and to some extent I get it... sometimes the threads get wayyyyy too long and lowkey annoying to scroll thru... oops). the ed mod isn't as active so that's why stede interacts with him less on tumblr. off tumblr it's all about that gentlebeard tho babey!! when stede turns off his magic box with tumblr in it, jack ceases to exist for him, do not worry.

this rp just has a gentler take on jack with a slow burn character development arc. ed and jack have already had an arc where jack crossed ed's boundaries, which upset him, and then they worked it out and are now trying to be real friends instead of pirate pseudo backstabby friends.

and isn't this a kind of fic? it's just interactive. there's the different blogs acting as the characters in the story, with y'all sending in asks to prompt things. it's improv fic.

while I am so, so glad to have brought a lot of joy and fun to so many people in this fandom, especially after the news of the cancellation, and then the news of the renewal campaign failure, this is my blog and I'm going to have fun with it as I see fit. I really do try my best to keep stede close to his canon characterization, and I'm sure I've probably done so poorly from time to time. I can even see why the whole jack thing would be ooc for him, but my thoughts behind that is 1) stede's attitudes and beliefs makes people's lives better, and on occasion make people better (izzy), and he sees jack as a challenge, and 2) stede does have a bit of a fuckboy party side a la 2x07, and he can get sucked into things. he's never had a Guy Friendship before, and he 100% felt left out as a kid when all the other boys were fucking around and he was just being relentlessly tormented.

if you don't like this blog, you can unfollow or block it. I don't mind. I'm a big believer in DLDR. you shouldn't sit through posts you don't like. or annoy you or make you unhappy.

I hope this has been a satisfactory answer!