#I planned to journal everything that happens at college but of course I keep procrastinating yay

[desi-yearning]

I went to college today after deciding that I'll shut my mouth and won't speak to anyone much, worked out till I started answering my Sir's questions right from the first period😭

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Art therapy to deal with life's rotten lemons

Art has helped me in so many ways - and no I'm not exaggerating. It's literally something that keeps me going, helping me get through the day. I wouldn't say that art is my whole life, though it's been kinda more prominent in the past few years, but it's something that gives me a purpose.

That's not to say that I've been creating art all the time. Art blocks happen, lack of inspiration or motivation, or just the need of a break to step back and focus on other stuff. For me, creativity and inspiration are kinda like background apps that are running behind the scenes while I do other things. It's usually open so if inspiration strikes, then I have somewhere to put it to use for later.

Usually when I have an idea, I like to sit on it a bit before getting started - I don't know why, but that's how my brain works, though part of it's probably because I tend to procrastinate. That kind of creative process may not be practical if I plan to run a shop like Daisy Jane - who's usually consistent when it comes to creative output - but for me, it works out perfectly.

Since college, I've gotten into art journaling and now it's become kinda my thing as I've been doing it consistently for a long time. And by consistently I don't mean every day or on a regular basis, but it's something that's stuck with me throughout the years, even more so since I started running the camp. Even when there are days when I don't feel like journaling, it's still in the back of my mind, something to use for later when I do have the motivation to create something. Although I'm not creating content all the time, I'm always open to ideas and inspiration, and that's what keeps me going.

From going on adventures, getting into a new show or movie, reading something interesting, to just hanging around and not doing much - I find inspiration in all these things. I like trying out new and different things because it opens my mind to more ideas, more ways I can express my creativity. I guess that's why I've been journaling a lot more over the years - because there's so much I want to explore and expand on. It'll be interesting to look back on my journal entries in the far future to see how much has changed.

I wonder how future me will look back on these years. Hopefully it'll be mostly good memories.

The reason why I've been thinking so much about how art has helped me is because we've been making a lot of art at the camp. A friend of Daisy Jane has come to visit along with their sister and they're both in need of a break and some art therapy.

I've been following Ken at quillinkstudio since about last year thanks to Daisy Jane and I really enjoy their speedpaints and studio vlogs. Turns out that Daisy Jane knows Ken from college, which was why they gave a shoutout to Happy Floral Mail during a stationery haul video a while ago - and that was how I found out they know each other.

In recent vlogs, they've been opening up about mental health and emotional neglect following the death of their mother a few months ago. They have a complicated relationship with their parents and siblings, which was why they pretty much ran off after finishing college. The only family member Ken has the least antagonistic relationship is Carol, the one who has been constantly left to deal with everyone else's shit, resulting in her putting herself last.

Basically their family life's a mess. Their parents argued constantly - father was neglectful while mother was abrasive, and the siblings were selfish and snobbish - it's hard to believe that Ken came from a family like that. Being the youngest as a latecomer, Ken was probably spared most of the abuse as the father died when they were young and all the siblings except for Carol had moved out.

Carol's basically the neglected middle child who desperately seeks to please, only to be stepped on. Since the father's death, Carol stepped in to care for the mother in hopes of earning her love. While the other four siblings have their own lives, Carol was stuck trying to earn the approval of people who constantly put her down. It's pretty fucking sad and it's no wonder why she has all these problems now.

Ken says that they have mixed feelings about their mother. On one hand she kinda doted on them because they were the baby, often to the point where she forced them to fit into her image of what she wants them to be. They only visited her out of obligation because no matter how far they were, the mother still has strings attached. While she would brag about their success as an illustrator and writer, she also undermined them, pitting them and the siblings against each other.

After the mother died, Carol became lost. All five siblings were in the same room for the first time in years and as expected, it was a disaster. Later Carol and Ken got into a big argument in which Ken told her that if she continued with her self destructive behavior, then the next time they visited home it would be for her funeral. The two "had it out" as they described it, and it made them truly realize how fucked up their family was.

At least some good came out of the whole blow up seeing that Carol's here with us now. The day after, Carol admitted that she wasn't okay and hasn't been for years. So Ken suggested that she come along with them, to leave home and start over. She had always spoke about leaving for as long as they could remember, only to be saddled with the responsibility of taking care of the mother.

Like her sibling, Carol aspired to be an artist. She also dreams of being an actress and singer. And of course, the mother shot her down, forcing Carol to suppress her creativity. At least now, she's slowly finding herself again.

It wasn't easy, but Ken managed to convince Carol to get away. She basically took off without a word, which was really the only way she could've left. There's a lot of unfinished business Carol has to deal with, but for now she has to distance herself, which she's still struggling with.

For now Carol's living with Ken, which admittedly hasn't been easy. They worked out a contract with each other, like promising to keep up with therapy and learning how to communicate in a healthy way instead of letting things blow up. Ken wants to help her as much as they can as long as Carol's willing to do her part. There's a lot to unpack as we can't undo years of trauma, but at least we can put the past behind us and move on to a better future.

Art therapy has been super helpful for Ken and Carol. Along with filming a vlog, Ken's also working on their graphic novel, which is about the stuff they've been talking about on the vlogs regarding their family life. It was something Ken had been working on and off for a while before shelving it because at the time it was too difficult to write about. Now with the mother gone, a weight's been lifted off their shoulders, thus giving the novel a more hopeful message as the initial reason why they shelved it was because it ended up being too bleak.

Carol's been trying out different art mediums, figuring out what calls to her the most. So far it's painting and art journaling, the former which she hasn't done in years, the latter being something new. She's also learning digital art, which she's picking up quickly and seems to be getting into. It's good to see that making art has been helping her a lot.

In between art sessions we've been enjoying the scenery as usual. Carol has been practicing digital art by drawing sceneries, something she found out she enjoys a lot. Having spent most of her life in the suburbs, being out here in nature has been a refreshing change of scenery for her. Seeing her and Ken fascinated by their surroundings feels like watching baby birds taking flight for the first time. The two have a tendency to wander so it's been kinda fascinating to see them get lost in nature.

It's sweet but also kinda sad, especially for Carol. I can't help but feel bad for her, for her wings have been clipped for so long that she's unable to find her way now that the strings holding her back have been cut. At least Ken's there to guide her as she tries to find her footing, to finally take back her life after giving everything to uncaring people who just take, take, take from her.

Healing's a difficult process - they will probably drag each other down more than lift each other up. Ken's been open about how hard things have been for both of them, and while it fucking sucks sometimes, they knew exactly what they signed up for by taking Carol in. Ideally, they want to save their sister, but realistically it's not gonna work out like that. Getting her away and giving her the help she needs won't magically make all her problems go away, but it's a start.

Today, we took a walk along the mountain trail, where we collected berries, moonstones, and maple fern leaves. I've never seen maple fern leaves before as they only bloom every few years according to Isabelle. Since they're rare, we decided to collect a bunch to save for a later project. I have no idea what to do with the leaves yet but I'm sure we can come up with something great.

We wound up staying on the mountains all day as we kinda got lost a bit at that fork in the trail where things kinda get confusing. There's a peak up there I haven't explored until today as whenever I try to look for it, I can't find it. The trail only shows up if we get lost but by then it's getting late so we have to put off exploring for another time. Finally, after years of trying, we finally got to explore the peak!

Getting up there was tricky as the slopes are super steep. We had to take the long way around so we could take short breaks and not risk anyone getting injured. It's a daunting climb, but the view was so totally worth it! Not only the view is breathtaking, I can see even more places to explore. That's what I love about exploring new areas - it's like unlocking a door leading to something bigger.

Since we worked so hard to get up here, it made sense for us to spend the rest of the day making the most out of our discovery. Now that I know how to get there, I now have to find a way to make this area more accessible with things like trail markers and ladders. Ken documented the whole trek for the vlog, an impressive feat as, like I said, the climb wasn't planned. As fun as the whole thing was, don't expect something like that again - in other words, don't try this at home, kids.

(Will that stop me from doing something like that again? Knowing how I tend to be a poor planner, probably not. Then again, I guess it's good to be aware because if things go wrong at least you knew beforehand.)

At the peak, we found a field of colorful pinwheel astras. The light breezes caused the petals to spin, which was fascinating to watch. Normally I don't like looking at spinning things for too long because I'm kinda prone to getting headaches but looking at the pinwheel petals was surprisingly calming. It was kinda funny when the four of us immediately pulled out our tablets/sketchbooks to draw the flowers. We also took a bunch of pics too and they turned out great.

After exploring around the peak for a while, we rested underneath a giant lemon tree. The tree was full of perfect lemons - it was like nothing I've ever seen before. Lemons are kinda hard to come by as they don't grow at the camp, so they're only accessible at the market box for me. Finding a perfect lemon is like striking gold, so to see so many at once is like hitting the jackpot. So of course, we collected a bunch and later made lemonade when we got back to the camp.

Speaking of lemons, Ken and Carol are taking the perfect lemons as some kind of a sign. Something about them growing up with a neighbor who always gave them crappy lemons from their tree that end up sitting in the fridge until they get thrown away. Ken says it's a really long story that's funny and interesting so it looks like they'll have to cover it in the upcoming vlogs about the camp. Seeing how the lemons seem to be a sign of hope for the two, I'm intrigued.

[thechildoflightning]

JKSF Jobs

I got asked awhile ago by the lovely @mewithanie if I could write about everyone’s jobs in jksf if it sparked my interest. It did spark my interest, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it into a one-shot or story, so take a tumblr post bullet-style explanation instead!

Read on to find out all about the jobs Patton, Roman, Logan, and Virgil hold in just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)

tw: suicide (oc), PTSD and trauma (mentioned only), mentions of drugs, alcohol, and school shootings.

Patton

Runs a non-profit

Non-Profit pairs up with schools

Non-Profit is an art therapy center focused on increasing connection within teenagers and allowing them an appropriate outlet for emotional turmoil

Patton’s group generally gets placed on ‘high-risk’ campuses or campuses that have incidents happen at them

‘High-risk’ in this case is defined by higher than normal suicide rates, low attendance rates, high-levels of illegal activity (generally drug and alcohol use), high rate of poor mental health, more than average amounts of cheating, etc

Instances involve things like excessive inappropriate school-wide behavior (ie. all the kids getting drunk and disorderly at a school event) as well as shocking incidents (student death from suicide, overdose, drunk driving, or things such as school shootings)

Some kids come by choice, others are referred through a suspension exchange program

Pretty much, a kid gets suspended but can choose to go to the group’s meetings instead of facing suspension

Kids get referred for suspensions that deal with violence, drug use, alcohol use, excessive absences, and so forth

The idea behind it is that suspended the kid will only negatively impact the kids record and give no reason to change behavior, while the group can help get to the root of the issue and work towards solving/improving that instead

Other kids go by choice bc they’re looking for extra support, a healthy outlet, advice, etc

They have weekly after school meetings (per each district, with one focal school in each one. The program is currently seven districts wide)

They also have lunch drop-ins were you can come make art, chill, get a snack, pet a therapy dog, and other stuff

One of Patton’s first schools was the same school Virgil works at

Patton generally leads the entire non-profit and has delegates to deal with the different districts

He handles the school/district that Virgil is at, though he attempts to go to as many things at the other districts as he can

Does a lot of outside work promoting the program to school and school boards, but is starting to delegate a lot of that work to others so he can focus on the kids instead of the bureaucratic shit

Has had to cut back on individual involvement and delegate more as the work and stress from running an entire non-profit has taken a large toll on his health related to chronic illness

He is Not Happy about this fact, but it’s for his health and he needs it. His spouses help support in any ways that they can.

Roman

Theater Boi

He is a director for a local theater company that is actually not half-bad

Enjoys the heck out of it

Went into college planning to become an actor

And boy does he love acting and the truth is? He was good enough. He could have become an actor. 

But somehow he finds it even more magical running everything behind the acting (and so so much more work, god he never realized how much Work This Was)

So he joins a theater company and he slowly works his way up

At first he comes in as assistant choreographer 

He’s young and they don’t think much of it, but the show genuinely improves by his individual suggestions and work and wait, who the fuck is this kid and how do we hang onto him?

He makes his way up quite quickly, sliding his way into assistant directly and then co-director and then suddenly the director’s leaving and now he’s the director

It happens fast and it’s very very exciting but he’s also honestly a little overwhelming and he’s never been good at managing large tasks without procrastinating bc executive dysfunction (see this post and this one about Roman and ADHD)

And now he is The Director and an entire production is depending on him. Everything. All of it. And it was what he was looking for but it’s a lot.

The first time he’s on his own, it goes okay

It’s by far not the best the company has done, but it’s also not the worst and the company is pretty supportive of his jump to director and the people who have been there longer help him learn to delegate tasks

And so he tries again, and he does better, and he just continues to get better from there

There’s just one hiccup: the scenographer

Basically the scenographer Does Not Like Roman and it creates Conflict

(In my head I sorta imagine the boss character Joan played when they were playing Thomas as Roman as Joan as the boss character in that one part of “Can LYING Be Good?”)

Luckily, Deceit later takes that position, and him and Roman work way better together and pull off some pretty bomb ass productions

Roman has been asked to join other companies before- specifically travelling companies and work on Specific Productions- which is very cool and very exciting but he decides he’d rather do what he’s doing now bc 

a) he enjoys the rhythm of his work. b) larger productions are more stress. c) he doesn’t want to be gone from his spouses. And d) he gets a lot of positivity and meaning out of what he does now and doesn’t see a reason to change that

Every summer he also runs the local chapter of Shakespeare in the park. 

He does act in these as well bc it’s completely volunteer based. Deceit also acts in these with him and these two theater dorks have way to much fun together

They may or may not of kidnapped Trixie for one of the productions (with Virgil’s consent of course)

Logan

Logan works for a company that considers themselves as a “research and problem-solving team for the improvement of marine environments”

Basically, Logan researches issues that negatively impact marine life and helps come up solutions to improve or solve these issues

Most of what he does is cycle through data that other researchers collect and figure out what that data means and how it connects

He looks at a lot of abstract numbers and pulls them together to state exactly what the numbers are reporting 

From there he brings that research to a board that forms a hypothesis and then comes up with potential solutions

These solutions are often considered very progressive and liberal and as such cause a lot of debate

Solutions range from legal changes (laws reducing companies waste, laws to prevent oil spills, protection laws around certain species/habitats, etc) to inventions (boats that clean the ocean, replication of habits to help support species that can’t live outside of a certain ecosystem, etc)

The company Logan works for has had numerous very successful projects and many of these projects were successful bc of Logan’s involvement

Logan’s spouses are very very proud of this fact

Logan is modest af and brushed it off

Logan’s had quite a few articles published in scientific journals and his findings/theories/work have also made it to national news in the past

Logan himself has actually been asked to present some of his stuff on the news multiple times. He refuses each time and someone else goes in his place.

Does this mean that person gets a lot of credit that should be assigned to Logan? Yes. Does that person feel bad? They do and try to give credit to Logan. Does Logan care? No, no he does not. 

Logan could care less about credit, he just cares about marine ecosystems and That’s Literally It

Seriously, people ask him things like “does he understand the ‘political implications’ of his job” or “Are you okay with your team constantly stealing your work” and he’s just like “Fish are cool. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Logan has also done more hands-on experience which has included cool adventures that included scuba diving trips to study coral reef damage, spending days in heavy wetlands, and swimming with sharks

His spouses think that this is the coolest thing and Logan agrees a 1000%

He usually works on research because that’s Where He’s Comfortable, but the occasional planned (it has to be planned) research trip is always exciting

Logan also has so much passion for his job. So much passion. It’s sort of an agreed upon deal in the house that when Logan comes home he will generally Need To Infodump because his job is The Coolest

Because of this, a time period between him getting off work and them eating dinner is designated Logan Infodumping Time

Generally this happens while they cook (because as mentioned a few times, Logan is the best cook)

Even if his spouse aren’t helping w/ dinner, they usually try to stick around and listen because a) Logan is Cute when talking about things he enjoys. b) he talks about interesting stuff. c) even if they don’t find it interesting, Logan’s enthusiasm is infectious and they just Have To Listen

Virgil

Virgil is a high school English teacher

He generally teaches sophomore regular English and junior AP English

Classes can shift slightly depending on the year

Virgil was at first a very distant teacher and didn’t connect with his students

Like his students thought he was a fine teacher bc he wasn’t too strict and didn’t assign a bunch of hw, but no one really liked him either

About his fourth year teaching, a kid at Virgil’s school got suicide baited and ended up taking their own life

It was a Big Deal (and is also how Patton found his way to Virgil’s campus)

After the event, there were lots of discussions and groups at the school, and each teacher talked to their classes

Virgil’s discussion was,, impactful to say the least

He talked to the students frankly about the issue and opened discussion to the topic while making sure to keep it respectful and calling students out on shit while at the same time helping support everyone who was struggling

He ended it with a small speech about self-worth, what it meant, and the struggle to achieve it, especially when everyone around you is pulling you down

It spreads like wildfire throughout the school and suddenly Virgil is a very well-liked teacher because He Gets It, y’know

(to clarify- his student’s do not know about his suicide attempts or personally history regarding his PTSD and experiences, that said, they all know there’s something different about this teacher. Something that makes him understand in a way others don’t)

He also has just this snark that students fall in love with

(One of his class’ learning targets for an entire week was just “We’re going to stick it to The Man. How you ask? Well we’ll find out!”

There was also a situation one year when one of Logan’s articles turned up in a multiple choice quiz and No One, including Virgil knew the answers (Virgil did have the answer key but it Did Not Make Sense)

He had to actually call Logan to figure it out

Turns out, most of them was the quiz maker’s mistake because he was asking questions about “author’s tone” and “author’s purpose” and Logan’s just like,, I didn’t meant to have any tone? I don’t understand tone? My purpose was I like fish? Why are they saying it’s to educate the average person??

(pretty much they analyze Logan’s article from a neurotypical standpoint, which Logan Is Not, so it doesn’t work. Virgil scraps the quiz.)

[softyoongiionly]

Fear and Dumplings: Chapter Six

Confronting your fears for a final grade sounds unappealing but, with Yoongi as your partner, things might not be so bad.

Summary: You’re in your final semester at University when your Abnormal Psychology professor assigns you a partnered project surrounding your greatest fears. Lucky for you, your partner just so happens to be a cute boy named Min Yoongi.

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: College Au, Underground Rapper! Yoongi, Soft!!! Yoongi, Fluff!!!, some moderate angst (later), smut (later later),  slow-ish? burn

Word Count: 5.1K

A/N: I’m literally on fire after writing this chapter lol. I hope you like it!😊

Warnings for this Chapter: mentions of fear, anxiety, sadness, some angst aka Jimin is an insecure boy who is unaware that he is literaly heaven on earth, swearing, suggestive situations/concepts, if you squint really hard you can see the beginnings of smut.

Warnings for the Fic: mentions characters confronting their fears, characters in uncomfortable situations, emotional moments between characters, mentions of bad parenting, explicit language throughout the fic, moderate angst, and very explicit smut later in the story.

Chapter 6: Doubt and Shadow Demons

You’re lying on your bed in one of your many baggy t-shirts, smiling like an idiot at your phone. Jimin had sent you screenshots of what he believed to be Yoongi’s twitter. If Jimin wasn’t aiming to be a dancer, you would have suggested a career as a private investigator because,  he could literally find anyone. You hadn’t asked Jimin to go looking for more information on Yoongi but, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t interested. His Twitter was mostly black, no bio and, no location but, the avatar was a picture of Yoongi wearing headphones, his newly blonde hair disheveled as he smiled at the camera. He really had no business being that cute. ‘@agustd93’ was his handle and you furrowed your brows in confusion as you tried to decipher what it could mean.  Yoongi didn’t seem to tweet much, he just retweeted a lot of music equipment accounts however, there were a few scattered tweets here and there that made you laugh.

“Roommates are drunk, again. They can’t hold their alcohol for shit.”

“Update: Drunk Hobi is obsessed with my cheeks and, I swear if he pinches them one more time, I’m going to cut his hands off.”

“Another Update: Joon just started crying after explaining to me that, “we are all just little flowers in the garden of life, trying to find our bees.” What the fuck does that even mean?”

You giggle, shaking your head, your thumb scrolling down to search for more tweets. There were more scattered between retweets of what you assumed to be the latest music equipment as Yoongi quoted some of the them with captions like ‘Dream Studio’ and ‘if only I wasn’t broke.’ You kept scrolling before coming across a tweet that made your stomach flutter.

‘Where? Everywhere.’

Fuck. He tweeted that last night. After you and Yoongi got off the Ferris Wheel, you actually ended up having a pretty decent time. The two of you got dinner at the park and wrote your experiences down in your research journals. Yoongi acted like the conversation on the Ferris Wheel never happened but, he seemed to warm up to you more and more as the night progressed. But still, nothing flirty occurred between the two of you and, Yoongi was very careful not to get too close to you. The whole thing was very confusing, one minute, Yoongi’s admitting that he would kiss you ‘everywhere, if you let him’ and, the next minute he’s treating you like he normally did. This tweet was sent at 11:30 which would have been around the time he got back to his place. Maybe it wasn’t about you, Yoongi seemed to have a habit of being vague and, he easily could have been talking about something else but, none the less, it made your heart skip a beat.

Did you like Yoongi? More importantly, did it matter? You shook your head, trying to rid yourself of your complicated thoughts as you rolled out of bed. Marzipan throws a complaint your way as you walk past her lounging at the end of the mattress. Normally, you would be out at your favorite crepe café gossiping with Jimin over some iced coffee but, Jimin had texted you the night before saying that his showcase rehearsal was running late and he didn’t think he’d get any sleep if he met up with you. You had of course met this with an abundance of understanding as you knew better than anyone how hard Jimin had been working at his showcase routine. So, instead of meeting up with your best friend, you planned on working on your final paper for your International Relations course. You had been working on it all semester and, felt accomplished that for once, you didn’t procrastinate. Green tea was essential for today’s writing session so; you brewed a decent sized pot before, continuing your paper. Marzipan eventually made her way out into your living room, opting to sprawl out on the couch, claiming her space as usual.

After writing for some time, you glance at the clock at the bottom of your laptop and your eyes widen. Shit. You had been writing for 4 hours. How was it possible that much time had passed? You had gotten a lot done, adding an additional 6-7 pages to the giant that was your final paper. Just after leaning back in your chair and stretching your limbs, your phone lights up with a text message.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): I miss the squad tho.

You giggle at the message, your heart warming as you reply.

BROS 4 LYFE: me too tho :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): me 3 tho :/ :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): MY BABIES :( i miss u guys.

A hint of sadness plucks at your chest as you read the messages being sent in by your friends. You had made new friends in school and, college had been an overall fun time but, you had to admit that you never stopped missing having all three of your bestfriends in one place. The past four years hadn’t been the same without them and you couldn’t wait til the four of you graduated so, that you could finally have your group back together again. Jungkook had been drafted to play pro ball on a minor league team in your current city and, Taehyung had made the decision earlier in the semester to pursue his masters in art history at the school you and Jimin were currently attending. This meant that in a few short weeks, everything would back to normal for a little while.

BROS 4 LYFE: only a few more weeks my dudes, we got this.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook) stay on that grind squad, college grad hours are about to be open.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): kookie and tae, will you be here for my showcase? It’s two weeks before graduation.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): duh. We wouldn’t miss it for the world Jiminie.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): yea we would never miss a chance to see the world’s shortest ballerina.

Your eyes widen as you laugh, already imagining Jimin igniting in fury when he reads the message. His reply comes before you are able to chime in.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): YAH! IM NOT A BALLERINA!

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): I AM A CONTEMPORARY DANCER.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THE CHAMPION CONTEMPORARY DANCER

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THREE YEARS RUNNING THANKYOUVERYMUCH

At this point you’re in a full blown laughing fit, shaking your head as your fiery best friend pops off in the chat.

BROS 4 LYFE:  go best friend, that’s my best friend.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): let the record show that Kookie bought 12 of the limited edition Jimin shirts that your school sold after he won the championships.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN’T TELL

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): >:)

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): love u kookie

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): …love u too…

The responses eventually dwindle down and, you decide to hop in the shower to tend to the mop of hair that was growing slightly greasy on your head. Afterwards, you throw on a cozy sweatshirt and your favorite pair of fuzzy pajama shorts and, settle on the couch to watch some Netflix. You hadn’t had a night in to yourself in a long time and, it felt amazing to be able to sit around and, do nothing.  Marzipan made her way up your body before, snuggling up in the free space between you and the edge of the couch. As your fingers absentmindedly stroke her fur, you feel your lids becoming heavier and heavier and, finally, you drift off into a much needed nap.

Needless to say, the nap turned into you passing out around 7:30 and, sleeping through the night until, finally, you awake to the ethereal sound of the never-ending city construction. You grumble as you pull the covers over your head to drown out the noise causing Marzipan, who clearly hadn’t left her spot all night, to flee from the couch.  Checking your phone, you noticed a few messages from your group-chat and a snapchat or two from some of your other friends. After responding to the majority of your missed messages, you drag yourself off of the couch and into the kitchen to make some coffee. The microwave displayed the current time: 7:45am; an unholy time to be awake on a Saturday morning. The coffee was finishing up before a loud knock at your door caused you to jump out of your skin. Who the hell was at your house at 7:45 in the morning? You gingerly made your way to the door, hoping that it was just someone from maintenance. Opening the door, you nearly scream as a tuft of pink hair practically collapses into your arms. It was Jimin and, he was crying.

“Jimin, babe, what’s wrong?” You hold him to you, your eyes wide with concern as you usher him into your apartment.

“I can’t do it y/n, I can’t do anything right.” He cries into your t-shirt, his hands clutching you as if you’re about to slip away.

You rub his back, maneuvering you both onto your couch, Jimin clinging to you all the while.

“Hey, hey, that’s not true at all.” You murmur soothingly. “Jimin, what brought this on? Did something happen?”

Jimin, still crying, nods, as the tears stream down his puffy cheeks.

“I’ve been rehearsing for…for 36 hours…and I ca…can’t….do it…I can’t get it right. I ke…keep messing up. I’m n…not getting it…they’re…they’re going to drop me from the showcase if I can’t do it….they…they will…” At this point, your heart is broken, your usually smiley best friend is completely shattered, sobbing, into your arms. You hadn’t seen him like this since he had his first serious breakup sophomore year and, even that couldn’t compare to what you saw before you.

“Shh…minnie…it’s ok, it’s ok, I got you.” You gingerly tilt his swollen face towards yours, your eyes holding an immense amount of emotion as you gaze into his. “Listen to me ok? You can’t rehearse like that, you’re going to burn out and, get hurt. You have to rest. You’ve been practicing non-stop for the entire semester. You could do that routine in your sleep babe. The only reason you probably messed up is because you are exhausting yourself.”

Before you can even finish, Jimin’s eyes well up with tears once again as he shakes his head.

“No…no…you don’t understand…y/n…the coaches came to watch me last night and, I fell…I fell and they…they said that they were disappointed with my progress…and that I need to do better…so…I had to stay to re…rehearse…cause I failed. I failed y/n, I failed.” Jimin bursts into another fit of sobs as he clutches you tighter and, you actually have to hold back the tears that are pricking the corners of your own eyes.

“Dancers fall all the time Jiminie, it’s ok, you had been rehearsing all day. Every free moment you have, you spend in the studio practicing. I know it must have been so hard to fall in front of your coaches but, hey,” You tilt his face to you once more before he can hide away in your arm again. “You are Park fucking Jimin. You are the youngest collegiate dancer to win the national showcase and, the ONLY dancer to win it three years in a row. Dancing is like breathing to you. Audiences are mesmerized as soon as you step on the stage. You did not fail. You are exhausted. You can’t work yourself like this or, there won’t be a Park Jimin to win the showcase four years in a row.” As your words tumble out of your mouth, Jimin begins to calm down, still sniffling lightly, he hugs you again, his normally sparkling eyes, heavy with exhaustion.

“I’m so scared…y/n…there’s so much pressure and, I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it if I disappoint anyone.” You place a chaste kiss to the top of his bubblegum hair as you nod.

“It’s ok to be afraid, this is something you really want and, when we really want something, the thought of failing can be crippling but, you have worked so unbelievably hard.  No one deserves this more than you do. Try and have a little faith in yourself ok? There is nothing you can’t achieve. You have something so magical within you.  Working hard is good but, everyone has their limit and, if you keep pushing yourself like this, you won’t be healthy enough to achieve all of the amazing things I know you are capable of.” Your voice has dropped to an even lower volume as you continue rubbing Jimin’s back. He is looking up at you with intense focus but, you can tell he is on the verge of crashing.

“You promise? You promise you believe I can do this?” He whispers and, your heart shatters in pieces that someone whom you care so deeply for, is in so much pain.

“I don’t just believe Jimin, I know.” You whisper back before jerking your head to the other end of the couch. “Can you please try and sleep for me? When you wake up, we can go somewhere, or we can stay in,its up to you. Just try and rest of a while.” At your request, Jimin lets out a yawn, his lips pressing to your shoulder once more before he flops back onto the couch, still sniffling lightly.

You help him out of his shoes and his coat before grabbing a blanket and, literally tucking him in.

“Thank you y/n.” Jimin whispers, practically half asleep, his hand holding yours lightly.

“You don’t have to thank me, that’s what best friends are for. I’ve cried on your couch a few times too, remember.” You smile fondly as Jimin lets out a twinkling giggle, happy to see that he’s feeling somewhat better.

“I love you.” He whispers, his eyes beginning to shut.

You squeeze his hand lightly before replying.

“I love you too Jimin.”

Jimin drifts off a few moments later, his light snores filling your living room. Your heart feels achy as you reply the last few moments over in your head. You knew your words wouldn’t be enough to completely take away Jimin’s uncertainty but, you were so grateful that he came to you instead of suffering in silence. Jimin had a history of feeling this way right before a showcase. He had done something similar to this your freshman year before, winning and subsequently making history. It absolutely devastated you to see him hurting but, you meant everything you said. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that Jimin was going to go far in life; you just hoped one day, he could see it for himself.

—————————————————————————————————-

“The dark and the ocean….I think maybe it’s time that we start tackling our fears one by one, what do you think?” You look over at Yoongi, who nods from behind his phone.

“Yeah, I think so too. I don’t know how we’d combine the dark and the ocean anyway.” His voice was slightly scratchier than normal but, when you had asked if he was sick, he told you that he had lost his voice at a concert he went to the night prior. For whatever reason, you didn’t believe him but, rather than prying, you opted to enjoy the sound of Yoongi’s raspy voice becoming even raspier.

“If we did, it would be terrifying and, I would probably die.” You state bluntly, causing Yoongi to scoff in disbelief, shaking his head at you.

“You’re so dramatic.” He chastises, smirking lightly, tapping away at his phone. You shrug, not bothering to disagree with him as you doodle on the corner of your paper. “Are you comfortable confronting this fear directly? I don’t know how you would imagine it, unless, you just imagine yourself in a dark room.”

The shudder that passes through your body was completely involuntary and, Yoongi notices it.

“You don’t have to, we can think of something else.” He assures, his almond shaped eyes, wrinkled slightly in concern. You shook your head insistently, putting on a brave face.

“No, its ok…I can do it. I won’t be alone so, it will be a little easier.” You force smile onto your mouth but, Yoongi isn’t buying it. Thankfully, he decides to accept your statement anyway.

“Does tonight work for you? I have a free Tuesday for once so, I figured we could do yours today and mine on Thursday.” Yoongi’s suggests, his demeanor returning to normal. You nod, leaning back in your chair, attempting to look casual but, your heart jumped slightly in your chest.

“Yeah, that’s fine, what time?” You needed to know how much time you had to straighten up because, you definitely left dirty dishes in the sink and, you were quite certain that you dropped a pair or two of clean underwear whilst running late this morning.

“Well, it doesn’t get dark until 7:30-8 so, maybe around then?” Yoongi cocks his head slightly, his eyes sleepy as usual. You had never had such a strong urge to tuck someone into bed and, kiss their forehead until you met Min Yoongi. That boy needs more sleep.

“I’m good with that yeah. Are we eating together or do you want to eat before you come?”

“I’ll bring something, I have a lot to make up for since somebody, decided to buy our tickets last week.” He gives you a pointed look, disapproval gracing his features. You laugh, shrugging shamelessly, looking up at him.

“I guess you better bring something good then.” You insist, smiling, nudging his desk with your foot.

————————————————————————————————–

It was that very conversation that led you to where you were now:  belly full of That’s Amore’s pasta, apartment tidied up, and Yoongi glancing over at you curiously.

“What?” You giggle lightly, confused at his intense gaze before, he nods over to you.

“Why are you afraid of the dark?” He murmurs, his tone cautious but curious.

You bite your lip, as you feel your body grow slightly uncomfortable. Meeting Yoongi’s gaze, you attempt to sound as brave as possible before, answering his question.

“I…used to have really bad nightmares as a kid. I had them every night for almost two years.” You admit, your eyes moving to stare at the couch instead of continuing to look at Yoongi. “My parents finally took me to a doctor and they told them that I would eventually just grow out of it. They gave me something to help me sleep through the night and, over time, the dreams finally stopped but, I slept with my light on until I was like 14.” You giggle, trying to lighten the mood, not really enjoying the serious tone of the conversation.

Yoongi nods, regarding you earnestly from the other end of the couch.

“I’m sorry.” He says softly and, you can tell that he means it. You smile over at him, brushing it off.

“No, its ok, it happened a long time ago. I’m just still not a huge fan of the dark.” You explain, finally meeting his gaze again.

“You don’t have to do this, you can just keep talking about it…I don’t want you to feel afraid.” He insists, his tone firm and certain.

You nod, your smile growing more genuine.

“I can do it. I think it will be good for me and, like I said, I won’t be alone so, I don’t think it will be too bad.” You’re lying. The dark terrified you but, logically, you understood that there was nothing dangerous about it. You know you can do this.

Yoongi nods but, you can tell that he’s uneasy, his movements cautious and hesitant as he looks around your apartment.

“Ok, do you want to start slow? We could just turn off the lights first; the streetlights shouldn’t make it too dark.” He assures you, nodding toward the window but, you shake your head at his suggestion.

“No, I think it’s better if we just do everything now. I think prolonging it will just make me more nervous.” Your voice is growing smaller and, once you catch that, you sit up straighter.  As if, sitting up straighter would lessen the fear you felt. “Let’s do this.”

Yoongi nods and the two of you move to start closing the curtains and turning off the few lamps that you have on in your apartment. You both stand on opposite ends of your living room as Yoongi’s hand hovers over the main light.

“Are you ready?” He calls softly, his face littered with concern.

You nod, smiling tightly, bracing yourself for the darkness.

“You have to protect me if a shadow demon tries to eat me!” You insist, giggling, trying to lessen the tension as Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“There’s no such thing as shadow demons.” He counters, smirking before, he nods anyway. “But, yeah, I guess I’ll protect you if that happens.”

Your heart is picking up its pace in your chest as you attempt to pull a deep breath from your nose.

Yoongi looks at you pointedly and, before another question can pass his lips, you nod to the light.

“Go ahead. I’m good.” You assure him, putting on the bravest voice you can find.

There’s a click and then, darkness envelops your apartment. You could never have imagined that your apartment could get to this level of darkness. The room was pitch black, you held your hand out in front of your face and you saw nothing but a faint blob.

“Are you ok?” Yoongi calls softly from the other end of the room.

Another shaky breath passes your lips as you attempt to calm yourself.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m ok.” You assure him but, even you could tell that your tone wasn’t convincing. There’s a shuffling on the other end of the room that causes you to jump out of your skin. “What was that?”

“It’s just me; I’m trying to find my way to the couch.” Yoongi’s voice calms you and, you curse yourself for being so obviously afraid.

“Yeah, I should probably do that too. I don’t want to just stand here…vulnerable…where literally anything can attack me if it wanted to.” You muse casually and, this causes Yoongi to finally break out in his rickety laughter.

“Nothing is going to attack you, just come here and, be careful not to trip over anything. That’s the only real danger you need to worry about.” Yoongi’s voice is practically a whisper and, you use it to guide yourself to your sofa. You finally feel the familiar fabric and make your way around the arm of the couch before, tucking your body into one of the cushions. The heartbeat in your chest hasn’t lessened its pounding but, you feel slightly better that you’re not doing this alone.

“I made it.” You whisper but, Yoongi could already feel you sit down at the opposite end of the couch.

“How are you feeling?” Yoongi whispers back to you and, you feel yourself relaxing slightly at the sound of his voice. He really should be doing ASMR in his free time. Your mouth opens to lie again but, you end up sighing in defeat.

“I’m scared.” It’s the first time either of you have uttered this phrase since beginning your project and, you grow uneasy as you wait for his response.

“That’s ok.” He assures and then he falls silent for a moment. “I know it’s difficult for you. We can stop whenever you want.”

“I’m ok right now; my eyes are starting to adjust.”

Another moment of silence passes between the two of you and, you feel a familiar thickness in the air that seems to occur a lot when you and Yoongi are alone. You close your eyes for a moment, stifling your desire to mention it to him. He had made it very clear on the Ferris Wheel that he wasn’t interested in being with you that way… ‘right now.’

“You can…move closer to me, if you need to. I’m not sure if that will help but, you can try. I don’t mind.” Yoongi whispers and, his offer catches you completely off guard. Should you move closer to him?

Silently, you scoot your body down the length of the couch until you feel your shins meet Yoongi’s feet. He must have been sitting cross-legged on the couch and, now that you’re closer to him, you can make out his posture. He’s sitting with his legs crossed, his body turned to face the direction you were sitting, while his hands rested in his lap.

“Thank you.” You whisper, and you can sort of make out the faint smile ( :] ) on his lips.

“Is it any better?”

“Yeah, it is, actually, thanks.” You repeat your gratitude and you finally start to feel the anxiety subsiding from your chest. Yoongi was warm and, he smelt like berries and the ocean? An odd yet tantalizing combination that, in all honesty, made your stomach tighten. His hands are adorned with a few rings and your eyes squint in curiosity as you try to make out what they look like; regretting that you hadn’t checked them out when the lights were on.

“What are you trying to look at?” Yoongi’s whisper causes you to smile as  you realize that his eyes were also adjusted to the darkness and, he was probably wondering why you were staring intently at his lap.

“Your rings.” You giggle, your head jerking their direction. At your answer, Yoongi’s fingers flutter lightly in response, his head turning down to look at them.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t wear these a lot but, my roommate Namjoon got them for me and, started giving me shit for not liking them. So, I made a point to wear them more.” He explains his tone one of fondness and annoyance. Another laugh passes your lips as you nod in understanding.

“They look nice. Namjoon has good taste.” You compliment, feeling far more comfortable.

“Yeah, he’s alright, I guess.” Yoongi jests but, you know he doesn’t mean what he says, always hiding behind a snarky comment. Before you can speak again, Yoongi holds one of his hands out to you. “You can look at them if you want.”

Your heart stalls a moment as you look at Yoongi’s out stretched hand. The hand that had been on your own lap comes up to bring Yoongi’s closer to your view. The rings were actually beautiful and, you were thankful that the tiniest amount of light had escaped through the curtains so you could properly see them. There were four of them each covered in silver, the engravings depicting the four elements: Earth, fire, water, and air. You smile as your fingers gently examine Yoongi’s rings (hand). His hands were one of your favorite things about him. They were nearly double the size of your own, blue and green veins pushed slightly against the surface, fingernails bitten out of what you could assume as nervousness.  There is a light increase in your heart rate as you continue to examine Yoongi’s hand and, if he had noticed that you stopped looking at his rings, he wasn’t showing it. You tilt his hand up so, its perpendicular to your own, your fingertips only reaching the middle of his fingers, as you place your palm against his hand.

“Your hand is small.” Yoongi whispers but, this time, you detect a different tone from him that you can’t say you’ve ever heard before.

A small smile graces your mouth as you nod.

“Against yours it is.” The whisper that leaves your lips is almost in audible, your eyes find Yoongi’s and, you find him staring back at you, the faint streetlight illuminating his face. The two of you stare at each other as you feel Yoongi’s fingers lace with your own. Your heart beats wildly in your chest as you lick your lips in attempt to compensate for the dryness in your mouth. Without warning, the two of you are leaning towards each other, your shaky breathing intertwining momentarily before, your lips press together. Yoongi audibly lets out a sigh of what literally sounds like relief as he mold his lips against yours. You rise up on your knees lightly, in an attempt to get closer to him, your free hand coming up to gently touch his face. The butterflies that had been taunting you for the past month erupt in your stomach, your heart racketing against your sternum. Yoongi’s hand that was interlaced with yours slips out of your grip and, settles on your waist instead, pulling you into his body. Your lips are beginning to move against one another and, you actually feel Yoongi’s heartbeat rattling against your hand. The thought of you having that effect on him, makes you clench between your thighs. Your body moves to make its way into his lap but, before you make it there, Yoongi is slowly pulling away. He seems reluctant to stop, his swollen lips still pecking against yours as he presses his forehead to your own.

“I don’t want to stop but, I think…”His breathing is too ragged for him to speak properly, and you press your lips to his cheek in an attempt to sooth him, even though, your breathing is just as bad. “We….should slow down….”

You nod in agreement but, relish in the fact that Yoongi is still holding you close to him, your body leaning into his chest.

“You’re right.” You whisper in return, your breath just as shaky as Yoongi maneuvers you so, that you’re tucked into the side of his body. Your hand rests on his chest and you smile as you feel his heart pummeling against the palm of your hand. The two of you lay there for a moment in complete silence, Yoongi’s fingers play with your own  as you wait for the other to say something.

Surprisingly enough, it’s Yoongi who breaks the silence, his raspy whisper penetrating the darkness around you.

“Are you still scared?” He whispers softly, his eyes finding yours.

You look up towards him, a soft smile on your lips.

“No.”

Yoongi smiles back at you and, you can’t help but notice how shy he’s being, his eyes softer than you have ever seen before.

“Good.”

Maybe, the dark wasn’t so bad after all.

[aijcw]

Hello

Hi, this is a blog that will be used to track and document my college experiences from my second year on. As of now, I am a Marketing major which is under the business school... Please hold your laughter and scoffing at my major choice (directed at you STEM majors). Currently I have just successfully completed my first year in college. I think that there are several big takeaways from my first two semesters. 

FIRST: Academics always trump extracurriculars

Being able to balance your mental health, academics, and any extracurriculars is extremely important. Coming from an International Baccalaureate Program, I did not think that school would be super challenging for me. I was also able to acquire leadership positions at my high school fairly easily, but as College is a lot bigger, I panicked and jumped at as many possibilities as possible. This included picking up the position of Marketing Director for a residence hall organization, videographer for a Chinese American organization, club rowing, and even a MGC sorority (rushing for the first semester and then becoming historian and webmaster for the second semester). In my first semester, I took 15 credits: Macroeconomics, Experiencing Music, Survey of Calculus 1, a course required by my university, and Introduction to Business. The two hardest courses here then were for sure Macroeconomics and Survey of Calc. But mostly Survey of Calc, as I found Macro to be a relatively easy class that did not require me to study weeks in advance to perform well on the exams. Calculus was hard for me from the beginning to the middle of the semester, I truly did not know what I was doing and was very frustrated about this. However, I was also juggling so many other extracurriculars and organizations that had time commitment requirements. Reflecting back on this, I see that I prioritized my extracurricular organizations and spent a majority of my time completing tasks for my organizations over studying for my exams. Remember when I said that Macro was easy? Yeah, it was definitely a class that came easily to me, but I finished that class 1% off from an A-. After actually dedicating time to my calc class, the information finally started to click and make sense after many many practice problems. However, I also finished that class off 1% away from an A-. Interesting how that works, huh? I still look back at that semester bitterly as I have concluded that had I not been overly involved in so many different organizations, I would have been able to allocate more of my time for studying or going to office hours and might have been able to get an A or an A+ in both of those classes.  As my second semester is coming to an end, I realized that no matter how bitter I was about my almost A’s, that I ran into the same exact problem from my first semester in my second semester. I was still involved in all of the same organizations, excluding rowing, too many events happened late at night for many of my organizations and would conflict with the early practice times (I would sometimes only get 3 hours of sleep). And while yes, I could argue that I still was super involved, this second semester still shows the same result as my first: I prioritize my extracurriculars over my academics. As a person that prided themselves on taking academics very seriously, this first year at college seemed to show a complete 180 from the previous 12 years of schooling that I had done.  That being said, I have turned down all leadership positions in my organizations to better focus on my academics without having the weekly officership requirements. I have also cut down on the organizations that I am involved in to just my sorority, since (lol) that is not something that I want to just drop as it is an organization that I take a lot of pride in and enjoy a lot, much to my parents’ dismay. However, with this next semester and academic school year coming up, I am utilizing more efficient ways to schedule things in and will actually schedule in study times into my schedule. I plan on making use of both my bullet journal and google calendars as I will get visual notifications from both and phone notifications from my calendar events. 

SECOND: Mental health always trumps everything

Sometimes things just don’t work out. Whether it be relationship related, organization related, or school related. The most important thing is that you do what is actually best for you. This second semester as I continued to overexert myself, I actually had a mental breakdown in front of some board members before going to another organization’s events. Earlier that day, my parents had come to visit me to tour where I would be moving to for the next school year. While it was very nice seeing them again, they ended up cutting their visit short because I had little to no energy to actually interact with them. I was so tired from doing a late night event for one of my organizations and had barely gotten any sleep that night. So when they left I took a nap for about 30 minutes before having to get up and go to, you guessed it, a board meeting. As I am about a 24 minute walk from main campus, I ended up crying through those 24 minutes because of how mentally unhappy I was. This is what people like to refer to as “burnout”. I had been to every single required event despite there being a system where I could switch off with other people to go to those events. Why? I enjoy being social, I enjoy supporting friends, and at this point, I was so lonely and sad, that going to these events made me happy because it felt like I was temporarily eased of my sadness and my loneliness. As I type this I realize how sad that makes me sound, oh boy. But yes, burnout is a very real problem that many people can experience given enough time for build up and improper time management. It is okay to say no to things. It is okay to reach out to others when you need help. There is no such thing as over communication. The worst thing about this burnout experience was that I had not communicated with my employer, my organizations, nor my friends about how much I had going on. I only told them after I had my mental breakdown. It felt like a surge of different emotions were coming out of me all at the same time. At first I was sad, and then those sad tears turned into anger. Anger over how my organizations were requiring so much, anger over people that weren’t pulling their weight, and anger over how I had let myself get to this point.   The most interesting thing about this entire experience perhaps, is that I tend to fill my void of sadness or emptiness with work and this time, the work happened to be for my organizations. Something had happened at the beginning of the second semester that had made me really kind of sad. To take my mind off of things I set my mind on something different like my organizations. This actually worked spectacularly well at keeping my sadness away, and so I continued to give my all into each organization. However, towards the end of the semester, I found that I had been hurting myself mentally by exhausting myself so much. You need to take self care days, you need to take care of yourself and learn to love yourself. Only then can you contribute and partake in other external activities. If your mental health and state are not doing well, then there is no way that you can give back to others and give be able to give back well.  Something small that I picked up this second semester was watching little retanking videos before I slept. They were very peaceful and were able to help put me at ease before sleeping.  That being said, I feel like another main contributing factor to my decline in mental health was that I procrastinated... a lot. Very bad yes. All of these factors combined to make one huge toxic cocktail type deal. 

THIRD: Staying proactive and productive can help you

It is so important to keep track of when assignments and exams are due. During this semester, I had a few... surprise... exams come up that were definitely not a welcomed surprise. This would make me stress study for exams and cram for two days straight. This is not fun. Pulling all nighters is not the way to go if you can avoid it. This second semester, I have missed small quizzes because of my lack of planning and scheduling. While I still ended up getting an A in that class, my stress would have been significantly reduced had I planned ahead and stuck to the schedule that I would have made. I feel like this takeaway is pretty straight forward and there isn’t really too much to talk about regarding this topic as it is also pretty self-explanatory. 

[erikabancale21-blog]

HOW TO COPE WITH STRESS AS A CUSTOMS STUDENT

Stress starts after you graduate in Senior High School, you don’t know what to do, what to expect, what course you want to take. Most of us are having more trouble in what course should we take because we might get wrong about it. Our parents as well are just so paranoid on what’s better for us. There’s only one time to make time to think and make a decision for yourself.

when you achieved so much back in your senior high school days and you know that life is completely different when you go to college. That is very stressful and hard to deal with. Not to mention that you will probably let go of your friends and go to the next chapter without them. 

You’ll miss them and that’s stressful on your part. Wishing that maybe someone could take you back to that time but that’s not gonna happen. The thing is you have to made up your mind about things and have a final decision. 

As for myself, I chose BSCA or Bachelor of Science in Customs Administration. I didn’t plan anything but I’ve always heard that in this course it is really an easy money as soon as you graduate and got a job. Who would have thought that it could be hard as rock. Thinking about it is so easy than being in an actual classroom with a blackboard that is full of computations about what not and what so. Stress already? hope that I know how to compute those things because I’m really having a hard time but let’s begin our agenda.

MY WAYS ON HOW TO COPE WITH MY OWN STRESS AS A CUSTOMS STUDENT......

1. SLEEP

     have some time to sleep, It requires minimum effort and you get to escape the stress and woes of reality. Sometimes I wish we are smartphones, where we just need to plug ourselves in to recharge but not have to power down to do so. Sadly we are not smartphones so we need to sleep in order to recharge. For me, Sleeping is a very effective way to cope my own stress and hope it helps you too. No matter how busy your schedule is, you need to sleep or take a nap so that your body can still survive the stress in a daily basis. I hope you won’t dream about computations because it is very stressful as well haha. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/10-reasons-why-good-sleep-is-important

2. Meditate

    You don’t need a Yoga instructor or whatsoever to help you meditate. You can meditate all by yourself. There are so many simple things you can do to have a perfect meditation and it’s all up to you. Being comfortable is the key to have a good meditation. Doing what your body wants is a meditation. You can have a stretching or what you want to do. You can also visit websites on how to meditate like https://alifeofproductivity.com/meditation-guide/.

3. Create A Diary/Journal

    I, personally have a diary in where I store my secrets and talk about what just happened in a day. It helps me to track my changes if I actually have a change about my attitude and lifestyle. I usually wrote their about how bad my day was and what kind of solution i did enable to escape with it. The next day I read it, I will just laugh and know that i was able to last a stressful day. This is just an option if you like writing and if you like being so drama about yourself. 

4. Music

    Music is my life. i must say. it always helps me with my stress as a Customs Student. I just want to listen to music while answering the computations because it somehow made me think about a lot of things. What I like about music is if it has a great melody with strong lyrics. Before exams I always put my headset on as if I was just the only person in the classroom and everyone just completely disappear including the classroom if possible. kidding aside. Life is easy with music and i recommend this type of music during your stressful days. it might help if you have the same vibes as me. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_ways_music_can_make_you_healthier

Your stressful mind will be gone and all that’s left is a good music while you are doing a head bang. Rock n Roll.

5. Read A Good Book

    I am a fan of books especially Science Fictions. I have a book about customs but it doesn’t help my stress. It only gives more stress to my head because of the theories that I need to memorize without understanding what it actually mean. I know that it will help me with my professional career but at times when I’m alone, I only want to spend some time for myself away from different kind of things that can make me stress. There is always a time for everything. It may be a form of procrastination. A terrible habit we all do, I mean most of us. I don’t know it’s just something I can’t discipline myself out of BUT if there is a good book, it completely drives me crazy that procrastination is not my thing anymore. STRESS = GOOD BOOK

6. Talk with people you LIKE/LOVE

     Conversations are the most important but also delicate way we communicate with each other. What we say and how we say it affects a lot  of what we intend to mean. In order for me to cope with stress, I always talk to people about it and I love it when they listen and gave advice to me. It makes me feel that I am not alone and sometimes words are not better left unsaid because it might make you crazy. Having a good talk with other Customs Student about things that are outside of Customs Administration is what makes me happy. I mean we are all human. We all have our hard times and we need some good times. I want to talk about Customs if we are in a classroom and in a middle of a test but when it’s outside the classroom then i don’t want to talk about Customs anymore. Learn to manage those conversations. 

7. Take cool pictures

   Sometimes, taking cool pictures about nature makes me calm and stress free. It reminds me how beautiful the world is. Some point, it made me realize that I should really study hard to reach my dreams and change the world. Even if being a Customs Administration Student is really hard but all the worries will be gone in just a photography. All of us want to change the world and make it a better place but change starts within ourselves. So I always have to time to study and at the same time have time to have a fun and wonderful life. Live in the moment because you would never know what will happen in the next day. capture every moment. Study hard. Live Life to the Fullest. 

8. Laugh and Smile

     I like to laugh and I like to smile. I mean, who doesn’t right? Well, I know some people don’t like how their smile looks. That’s probably why people cover their mouth when they laugh, huh? Our neutral face makes us looks like we are depressed/stress or sometimes angry. I always smile despite of the hardships of being a Customs student. Seeing the computations and theories that I know I may never understand. I just laugh and wait until my classmate gives me an answer hahaha. kidding aside. I just laugh because I know that even if it’s that hard I can always answer because I trust myself and I know what I’m capable of. Smiling and Laughing help me to boost my confidence as a Customs Student. have time to smile. laugh. it’s priceless. trust me.

You can cry when you laugh as well. That’s what always happened to me. I cry when I’m laughing or when I’m laughing I can cry. Tears of Joy they say. I am laughing because I have confidence in myself about answering the computations but I cried because It is that hard. is it still TEARS OF JOY?

9.TRAVEL

  I always like going to different places in order to escape from reality and stress. Even if it is not that far, I always like to travel. No matter where it is. Travelling is an effective way to cope with stress and as a Customs Student, going to different places here in cebu makes me somehow a traveler and at the same time a person who doesn’t care about anything. TRAVEL = ESCAPE FROM STRESS. Well being a student of Customs Administration is like travelling around the world because all you talk about is Exports/Imports. There are a lot of customs laws and for me it is a guide in travelling around the world. It is an advantage for me as a customs student to be able to know the places and ports here in Philippines. 

10. Get Organized

   If you want to be out of stress as a Customs Student then you must be very organized with things. You need to put things into their right places just like solving the computations of Customs then you must know what are the answers and where to put them because you might get wrong. If you are not organized then you can feel stress because you will be very confused about things and where to put those. Sometimes being organized is the best way to live life simple and easy. If you don’t wanna get bothered (stress) about something. Learn to organize your things properly and in order. 

THOSE ARE MY WAYS ON HOW TO COPE WITH STRESS AS A CUSTOMS STUDENT. I hope that you can relate to me and give a comment because I might answer and give you some tips. Don’t worry I’m not a stressful person hahaha. There are a lot of ways to cope with stress. What’s yours? If you also have some idea then comment and suggest about something that you want me to talk about. Always remember that LIVE LIFE THE FULLEST and DON’T LET STRESS EAT YOU. THANK YOU FOR READING. KEEP SAFE. 

[sabrinaleethings]

Writer’s Block: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Howdy internet!

I haven’t always been a writer, in fact only within the past few years I’ve started doubling down and taking writing seriously.

I went to college for illustration back in 2015, and it was then I hit my first mental block when it came to artistic inspiration. It sucked! I remember distinctly two separate pieces I had to do where I couldn’t for the life of me get the pencil on my sketchbook, and ended up handing in my assignments late because I couldn’t for the life of me get through whatever artistic block I was struck in.

That leads me to now- artist block and writers block varies from person to person. Sometimes mental health issues like depression or anxiety causes people to avoid writing (or drawing etc.) - and sometimes make it physically impossible get anything done. If you know that this is one of the main factors in keeping you from doing what you want to do, please talk to someone! Seek help from someone you trust, whether it be a friend, your family, or even a doctor!

Now, if there’s more to your story (pun fully intended) and somehow you’re finding yourself stuck in the middle of a scene or a random dialogue, or terrified to write very beginning of your piece, I’ve got a few tips and tricks I use to bust through the mental wall and create some kick-ass products!�� 

Let’s do this!

Let’s Start at the Beginning, shall we?

So, before you’ve even started anything. Let’s say your given a task or you have the itch to write- you know the one where your hands are BEGGING you to type something, or write something, but you just....can’t? 

Happens to me all the freaking time. Here’s what I do:

If I sit down somewhere to type or write and my mind is like a huge bowl of pudding, I move my booty. 

Sometimes changing your work space, or even the physical location of your body can clear up some of the gunk in your brain. 

Instead of sitting in your bed (like I usually do) move to your desk, take a notebook outside on your porch, sit on the couch (with the TV turned off), go to your local library or bookstore, become a hermit in a cafe somewhere- you’d be surprised at how well this works!

Skim through some of your favorite books for inspiration

This gets your brain moving in a “writers” kind-of way!

I like to flip through my Maggie Stiefvater books and read random scenes, or (my favorite) read some poetry (My go-to being “Our Numbered Days” by Neil Hilborn) 

Check out some art or fanart from your favorite fandoms or artists!

Now, don’t let this be your excuse to procrastinate and get stuck on tumblr for hours on end (*cough cough* @me) 

The key here is to yes, scroll through tumblr artists, instagram drawings, or even your favorite art book, BUT while doing this, let your mind wander. Imagine your own scenes or scenarios in your head while you do so-you’d be surprised how easy it is to clear the clutter in your head when you let yourself zone out and relax! 

Now, the ugly sorta trick that I do sometimes (even though it’s gonna sound awful). 

Just do it. *Insert Shia LaBeouf*

Put your hand to the paper, put your fingers on the keys, turn on your audio recording device and just bullshit something. 

If I’m sitting at my computer with severe mental block about a scene I’m writing, and I can’t seem to break the funk, I just start typing something. Alot of the time it’s a “what would happen if...” and I write it. Usually it begins like a rusty machine, rough and crappy, but once you get your fingers moving and your thoughts begin to just lay themselves down on the paper or on the screen, most of the time your good to go and the mental block is gonzo! 

White Space Anxiety

Whatchu talking about, Sabrina? Wellllll have you ever got a new notebook and you just, cant wait to start writing something in it, but suddenly nothing seems worthy to be written down? Have you ever opened a new word or google docs document and suddenly your fingers forgot how to word? 

Lots of peeps, (me included) suffer from this type of writer’s anxiety and it prevents us from actually writing anything- total writer’s block!

Whelp let me help with what I’ve found that works:

Skip the first page!

If you got yourself a fancy new leather bound, engraved, blessed journal, or a fresh new staple’s notebook with the fancy cloth cover, just flip past the first page (the one where a bookplate or “title page” would go-) and start from page 2 or on.(If you’re super desperate like me, start five or six pages in!) By doing so, you’re tricking your brain that you’ve already written in said journal and most of the anxiety about making things “perfect” go away!

If your typing on a document, turn the font to like, a hundred!

I sometimes do this if I feel I keep focusing on the quantity of words I’m able to pump out on the first page, rather than what I should be writing. 

By super pumping up that font size, you’ll fill the first few pages faster and almost immediately, and the happy hormones in your brain are gonna be like, “yes! you’re writing, good job-keep going!”

Once you’ve written like six or seven pages (maybe more depending if you went for the 150 pt font) reset the size back to normal when you feel like stopping or you feel like you’re on a roll, and voila! You’re on your way to a productive (and self-satisfying) day!

Okay, now that you’ve gotten at least something written and you find yourself in the middle of an idea or scene and suddenly ... dun dun dun You’re mind is drawing a blank. Writer’s block has fully set itself inside your noggin right in the middle of all your hard work, what do you do now!? 

Writer’s Block Right in the Dang Middle

It sucks, and it happens.

Sometimes if you’ve been working a lot, and you’re not realizing how exhausted your mind actually is - it can feel like it turns off sometimes. 

If you don’t have a strict deadline, and you’ve gotten a bunch done, sometimes taking a break is what you need. It sucks, because I know how much you want to write, but your mental health comes first and you deserve a break too! 

Whether you just take a walk, or go grab some wine or juice, give your brain a break!

Do something other than writing- go stimulate other parts of your brain, come back, and see the difference!

Along the same line, if you do indeed have a deadline sneaking up on you and you’ve got yourself a bunch more to do but get stuck, try these things:

Take a short break.

Short meaning don’t spend hours and the rest of your day/night trolling through the internet or lose yourself neck deep in conspiracy theories on YouTube (I feel personally attacked here)

Save your work, get up from your spot, and leave the room if possible.

Leaving your room and physically moving your body, gets your blood pumping again and wakes you up subconsciously and that alone can help! 

Drink water. H2O. Agua.

Sometimes, after I’ve been typing for what feels like forever, I don’t realize how much time passes, and suddenly realizes it’s been four hours and I haven’t had anything to eat/drink.

It’s easy to get dehydrated and as living beings on this place called Earth, we need water. Sometimes drinking a big glass of ice-cold refreshing water is just what your body needs to do its job! (Did I make you thirst? Good, drink some water! Take care of yourself!) 

If you’re in the middle of a scene and can’t physically put into words what happens next:

Skip the scene!

Don’t stress yourself too badly on it if it’s not coming to you naturally. Move on to the next part in your piece, and start with a fresh idea! (You can always go back after, and finish/include the part you skipped!) 

Re-read the last couple paragraphs you’ve written, and change up the last couple sentences (sometimes even paragraphs). Completely re-write them, or get rid of em!

Sometimes a writer’s block in the middle of the scene can quite possibly be your own novel or piece’s way of telling you that you’ve dug yourself into a little bit of a ditch and now you have to climb out of it. Meaning the way you’ve ended things in the previous sentences, don’t allow for a good, fluid transition into the next part of the scene.

Totally re-write the scene or idea that your working on!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted entire pages of crap that I could not continue to write, because I kept getting stuck.

Sometimes after fleshing out a scene or idea so perfectly, things become stale and unable to be continued simply because there’s something, some element or transitioning, just doesn’t work. Taking a great big hypothetical rubber eraser and getting rid of everything might just be the way to go!

More simple things to do if you find yourself with a writer’s block in the middle of your piece

Plan out what you’re going to write.

If you’re a ‘pantser’ (someone who writes without any, or very minimal planning beforehand) sometimes you need to plan your next moves - not only will it allow you to better flesh out your plot, but it can show you possible plot holes that you’re stuck in at the moment. It can also give you a very specific direction to move in if you know what happens next. 

Change the music you’re listening to/ put on some tunes if your not!

Google “inspirational quotes for writers” ... trust me on this one.

Go make some food... and then come back quickly after!

*Make sure it isn’t a super carb-heavy or ‘thick’ food- you don’t wanna be sleepy afterwards!

And along with the previous point-brew some coffee or tea!

Curse. Heavily. Outloud.

Of course this all depends where you’re located.

And if you can’t curse, or don’t like to, sing loudly to yourself or yell random things out loud!

Ideas include: “Let it go, LET IT GO...” “I will write this fudgning piece of doo doo even if it kills me! You got this, you lovely, talented writer, JUST DO IT.”

In conclusion to this super long, probably-never-will-be-read-post- writer’s block happens, and it is something that can be overcome if you allow yourself to try something different! 

Holy guacamole that was a long one- sorry about that.

Anything I’m missing? What have you tried that has actually worked? Let me know!

[k-bloggs]

Have an embarrassing read at something i tried to write a couple years ago. back when i was happy lol

My First Blog. – 20/11/16

Okay, so here goes. This is my first ever attempt at anything like this really. I have written before in many different formats and styles but I don’t know what’s come over me lately but I feel inspired to write again and I know as well as anyone else this isn’t a typical feeling that comes along every so often so by fuck I am gonna’ grab it and take a chance and see where I end up.  I literally just unlocked and locked my phone again there because I’m trying to have a proper focused dedicated mind to attempting this. I’m not even too sure what I’m supposed to do in a blog, what even is a blog? I don’t know but I know that I’ve wanted to start making a journal of things that are going on in my life but due the fact I am extremely lazy this may be very seldom so the next update could be quite a while so don’t expect anything too frequent.

Like I said I’m not even too sure what I am meant to be doing or how I am even meant to go about it, I am a firm believer in the fact that writing doesn’t have to be performed or practised in any particular way. That there is essentially no wrong or right way in how it is carried out or laid out, but I feel like I just want to do something a bit more productive with my life from now on. A long childhood friend has recently started doing animations and making his own videos and uploading them to YouTube and to be quite honest they are great, its so great to see something like that, the thing about Ryan Is that our friendship took a bit of a standstill when we were kids must have been between the ages of 8 and 10 at least. Ryan and his family were emigrating to New Zealand and as a kid yeah you see this as a big thing but you don’t realise the likelihood of seeing them as often is completely and utterly abolished due to the fact you have no idea how much it would cost to fly out there. Ryan must be around 18 or 19 now and I just turned 20 there this year, and its great to see we still have so much in common, to just spit it out and be clear after seeing that this is what he into it kind of inspired me to get back to what I love doing. I love writing. I’m not so much of a reader which is the weird thing, again all down to my laziness, if a book doesn’t get my attention within the first paragraph or so I find it very hard to stick with it or even go back to it if I do manage to finish a chapter. The same applies for the likes of articles and campaigns and any form of literature really. But I thought hey you know what it’s about time I started doing what I love and even more its about time I start love what im doing.

Just to be clear, this year has probably been one of the biggest milestones of my life. I finally did it, I finally got a girlfriend. Fuck. It’s still weird even saying that, so yeah I will leave the ultimate love story of the century to maybe the next blog or edition whatever the fuck you want to call this. This is mainly just for me to get to grips with the style that im going to write in, if I do choose to carry on with this (Which I feel like I will). If anyone reads this yeah, awesome im happy someone out there is reading my stuff but to be honest this if for me as much as it is for anyone else out there. I want to see what I can do and if this really is the best time to get back into writing, basically one side of me is saying yeah what the hell go for it you need something like this but at the same time as there always is, the polar opposite emotion of just fear I guess? Not wanting to pick something up again only to go off my track record and drop this 5 minutes later like I do with everything else? But hey its 7.15pm on a frosty Sunday night in November, what else am I going to do? Sit, procrastinate and wish I had of done something useful.

Not that im going off track because essentially there isn’t much to this article its just me spamming a lot of stuff down so who ever reads this can kind of of get a grip of where I am right now in life and basically why I’m doing this. So here goes, I dropped out of college for last week. For the second time…

Yeah im officially a two time college dropout, nothing t be proud of I assure you, but im just waiting for the opening credits to roll ad realise im in the first scene of a really shitty coming of age movie where im the older brother your parents don’t want you to turn out like.

But yeah, I left school at 16 and went to a technical college, basically an establishment which offers a-levels to people who didn’t get back into school or else didn’t want to go back to school. I studied a 2 year course in creative media production and honestly it was awesome, it was so fucking cool and the course didn’t have that many uninteresting or boring areas, but yeah you guessed it I was lazy didn’t do any of the work and just took advantage of the whole independent learning aspect of it and never bother showing up for class plus a whole pile of other steamy shit went on that year that we are just not gonna discuss at this moment in time. But coming towards the end of the second year when the course was gonna finish and In a couple months after that I would figure out if I got the grades to get into the uni of my choice I asked my teachers if they would be wiling to let me come back and repeat the second year of the course. They were more than happy to, they gave me exactly what I needed, a fresh slate and a chance to correct myself, and you know what happened? Yeah your right I totally blew it and fucked up again just hated the thought of working or studing in media for any longer. Like I loved making short films and writing screenplays and everything I even liked some of the assignments but basically I had it in my head I didn’t want a career from this anymore due to the fact it was something I loved so much and it was basically kicking my ass all day, all fucking week long. The only thing that got me through that repeated year of college was the girl of my dreams and we weren’t even going out yet. But as said before there is more to come with her, she deserves the whole word so the least I can do is dedicate one sole piece of writing to me and her and our story, truth is there are not enough words in the world to even begin to describe who she is and how she thinks and works and even jus to describe how she came into my life, yes a combination of letters on a page or screen may work for some people but no, not for her. This girl is a queen from another realm, she is a princess from a faraway kingdom, she is an angel from heavens further and beyond the highest clouds. She is the love of my life and that is the only way to explain her and who she is. But getting back to the educational fuck ups In my life, here goes the explanation to how I arrived here, 5 days after dropping out of another course. This time I was studying IT, you know trying to go down that route of career, thinking of my future and what not? Yeah that didn’t go to plan either, I basically rejected a full time promotion on good money and I hadn’t regretted anything as much in my life. Basically college was another fuck up and let’s just say I managed to get out and finished a bit earlier this time rather than waste my own time and anyone else’s. Plus, if I carried on with these next two years that would 5 years of studying A-levels just for me to be a whining little bitch about how I didn’t want to go to university. I am just at the stage of my life now, not where I am considering moving out and settling down but some things don’t appeal to me the same as they used to. Going to uni and living and experiencing that independence in life and finding a career path and devoting the rest of my life to something I may not even be happy at? Na, no thanks not for me. Not at this moment in time anyway. For right now I’m happy enough to keep my eyes and ears open for what all jobs are available for me and what foot to put next in front of me. Get a couple extra pounds in my pay check each fortnight and you know that might do for year or so. Maybe get back on the studying boat in a year or two and carry on with the IT. That is, you know if I don’t become like a stereotypical copy of a character you would expect to see in a ‘Community’ reboot.

I was watching a clip of Jim Carey giving a speech a couple of days ago and basically what I got from it was that he had returned to his old school or college or university or whatever in order to give a commencement speech or he was receiving his award or something anyway not really vitally important. What is important is what he said in his speech, basically his message he was getting across as in most motivational speeches, is the reinforcement of using fear to help you rather than to put you off, accepting fear and accepting that no matter what you will fail, but that’s okay and if it wasn’t for the fact that accepting it you wouldn’t have the drive to reach for greatness like so many greats have done before you, whether they have made it to great fame and fortune or if it was just the regular girl from a small town who made a life and career for herself because it’s what she wanted to do. Anyway, Carey says, “You will only ever have two choices, love or fear. Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.” Basically what Carrey is telling us here is to embrace fear, don’t avoid it, stare down the barrel of its gun charge at it and conquer it, but never let it conquer you, never let fear become the objective always make sure it rises no more than an obstacle in your course, a mountain you must climb or a hurdle you must leap over. Defeating fear is never the final piece of the puzzle. Like walking in a straight line, you put your left leg forward and then do exactly the same with your right, repeat until you arrive where you need to be? Well, fear is that first big step. The first big step into a new world and a new environment and mind set and who knows what it’s going to throw at you. But you need to remember that it’s there to make sure you don’t triumph in whatever you set out to do, but you can’t move forward without taking that step. Then comes the next step, failure. And as stated before yeah, your gonna fail, your gonna fail and you’re going to fuck up and mess up and trip up, over and over and over again, this is the repetitive steps the same as walking that we take to go in a straight line, the same works with this. Without taking the same repetitive bullshit same old story steps in life, we will never reach the finish line that is success.

[cherrycherrystudying]

2017: A year in review

I've been thinking a lot on how-to write this.

To be honest, I would find it difficult to summarise this year. It feels like this year was so intense, and at the same time, like nothing at all. I remember last year's new year as if it was last week.

Time is a very odd concept, is it not?

January: the beginning of the red shirt revolution, a new year's sleepover with family and chaos and movies and jelly. The beginning of of my beloved art exam pieces, based on The Infernal Devices - I hated the work while I was doing them, of course. I should have probably focused on my gcse's and studying, but we are not here to regret.

February: the month I casually dragged my mother into the world that is Arrow.

When it really felt like I should have started studying properly. I was taking all the study sessions I could during the holidays, and I was taking a break from my extra curricular because it was causing me to stress.

March: by now I'm spending every week in ICT and geography, trying to catch up on work that I so blatantly ignored. It was always easy to just mess around in those lessons, to do whatever I wanted. This is also the month I was born in, and I especially love my birthday. I love getting presents and I love having get togethers and feeling like I'm the special one for once. I, for the first time, had can mercy which excited be beyond anything, of course. And my party was Spanish themedand all yellows and reds in colour. We had a sleepover that week too, we finally hit the gym and stuff. Art was already beginning to catch up with me, my pace has always been very slow and it's not a good way to work.

I also began at the end of the month to study with my cousin.

We never really got much done together.

April: This was the month I finally decided that I wanted to get my shit together. I organised my Bullet Journal, I went out for fresh air a lot, and I had more study classes outside of lesson. This was also the month I allowed myself to indulge in music, into the world that is BTS, courtesy of my friend. She knew exactly what she had done. I spent my time learning about them instead of learning about the things I really needed to learn, which was not a good decision on my part. However, when there in beauty just waiting to be discovered, it interests me much more than boring studying.

April is also the last month in which I am able to go out and do all sorts of things like going to parks and restaurants and birthday parties with my family. After this month I become housebound in an attempt to study harder.

Towards the end of this month, I am pulling more and more late nights, trying to complete all my exam work for my art course. I was slowly being driven mad by all of this.

May: I was starting to feel violent and restless. My gcse's were quickly approaching and everyone could not understand how I didn't seem to care about them at all. I was spending ,such more time in my I want shit to be over with jumper than I was in regular clothes. My obsession with BTS was getting bigger and exams were getting closer, and couldn't help but turn away from studying and more to procrastination.

When my exams finally started, it didn't really feel like I was existing anymore. I didn't want to do anything, I just turned up to my classes and my exams, waiting for them to finally be over.

As the ending came around, finally, it was the holidays, but these feelings of emptiness were only getting bigger.

June: the second half of the rest of my exams. We were also in the process of mentally preparing for departure from secondary school, only to have to turn up the next day for our last few exams. I didn't want secondary school to finish. That really threw me off. Once my exams were over, I had nothing to occupy my time the way school did. It was very odd, and I spent a lot of time binging and wasting away in my bedroom. I even was going o go so far as to pretend that I forgot about prom, only to go anyway and turn up fashionably an hour and a half late. I want to say it was an experience that I could not have missed, but unfortunately, I was bored to death.

July: I'm spending more time with my family, and I went back to my extra curricular. There's a wedding that we are spending time preparing for, which takes up time and brings more people together. I enjoyed July. I felt like I was really here. I also finally picked up my hobby of drawing, but only few doodles here and there.

August: Again, because all my family are also out for the summer, I spent more time with them. We took a trip to Scotland, and I loved it. It was like escaping everything, which is what I so desperately wanted. Lots of things happen, I have relatives that visit, we search for wedding venues, I eat tasty food. But results day is getting closer, and it speeds up times. Everyone gets restless, and there is one who worries so much that they called the night before to see if I was on the list of excelling students. I made a playlist for the day, a mash up of me feeling sad and me feeling happy. I was not particularly ready for how I would feel.

I get my results.

They are what I expect.

I still feel awful when I get home.

My mother makes us go to Wales. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to do anything. We still went. I spent time on the beach, with music and a pot in the rocks

It doesnt feel like people shpuld be proud of me, but they all congratulate me anyway.

I enroll for college with ease.

September: It is the beginning of change, as I had spent 5 years in secondary school, only for it to end and for me to go to college. I don't actually know what I expected, but it was better than what I thought It would be.

It feels good to be around right now. I make small documents of things I do, I enjoy doing it. I kept on top of my work, I told myself I was going to be the perfect student. I wanted to do well this time.

October: I'm still having fun dressing up for college. You can see by the collection of photos of my outfits in my gallery. The wedding datrs aree getting close and closer, and we finally have outfits. I'm trying to keep up with all the work I'm given, but I've never tried to keep up with my work. I spent more time planning a dance.

I also got an exchange partner.

November: Finally, the month of the wedding. It's hectic, and filled with lots of planning and executing the plans and parties and bridal showers and sleepovers and late nights and travelling, all for it to amount to a total if three days which were over in the blink of an eye. I went all the way to London twice, and I had award ceremonies for my results at GCSE.

December: and now here, the last month of the year, where I tell myself I will put all my effort in, only to Los E the whole month to my chronic procrastination. I now have an abundance of jumpers due to constant shopping, and Christmas was an entertaining dinner to say the least. My body I tired, and I'm glad this was over so quickly, but at the same time I wish it had all lasted longer.

Everything seemed to have gone by so quickly, and yet I had weeks where I would do ABSOLUTELY nothing. It was very confusing and sad to say the least.

So yes. That was 2017, a very detailed summary.

I hope 2018 is much brighter for me and my future.

💛 - Nemothechocolatebrownie

[poorlilbeans]

y’all already know what this is. (part 8)

lmao motherfuckin finally. this author is so slow amirite wow who are they

           “Addressing any concerns regarding my recent fall and inactivity online: First of all, thank you all for your concern and kind messages. Yes, my ankle is broken. No, the season isn’t over for me. Thankfully, it is only a minor fracture, and I intend to be back on the ice within a few weeks. As for everything else: Yes, I am dealing with some health issues at the moment. I have been mostly bedridden for the past two weeks since my last competition, having been diagnosed with an undifferentiated autoimmune disease. (Not contagious, so don’t worry, fellow competitors <3) I don’t know when I’ll be back to full health, but as aforementioned, it is absolutely my goal to continue with the season as planned. This is a setback for sure, but not the end of my career. (And no, I’m not on drugs, @sportscelebgossip. Yes, I saw that article.)”

“Good caption,” Victor confirmed. Yuuri drew in a deep breath as he hit post and immediately shoved his phone under his pillow. “Good, it’s done,” Victor reassured. “You don’t have to worry about it anymore. Ready for the journal?”

“I just realized the anglicized version of my name rhymes with worry,” Yuuri said, blatantly ignoring the question. “How accurate is that?”

“Yuuri…”

“Yeah. Yuuri. Worry.”

“Stop procrastinating. It’s not going to work.”  Yuuri sighed heavily.

“I hate the journal,” he grumped. “Let’s just talk about English words some more. Hurry also rhymes.”

“Then let’s hurry and get this done so you can stop being a child about it. First is temperature. Open up.” Resigned, Yuuri stuck the thermometer in his mouth, giving the journal the Dirty Look to End All Dirty Looks until it beeped.

“38.2,” Victor murmured, writing it down. “And you were over 39 three times today. Just one seizure… about 110 seconds… Okay, how many barfs were there?”

“Three.”

“Okay, that’s better, right? That’s one less than yesterday. Blood?”

“Yes. Not much, though. Just streaks.” Realizing what question was coming next, Yuuri pulled his blanket up over his face stubbornly. Victor sighed.

“Don’t do that. You’re just making the journal take even longer.” There was no answer. “Just a one word answer. How many bowel movements?” After several seconds of silence, the blanket whispered,

“Five and a half.”

“Five and a half? How the hell does that work?”

“Because- never mind. Six. Just put six.”

“Fine. Blood?”

“Yeah.”

“Any coughing fits today?”

“One bad one, one not-so-bad one.”

“Okay. Joint pain throughout the day. One is none, ten is the worst pain ever.”

“Six? But like seven or eight when I move? But then sometimes it’s like five when I have the hot packs,” Yuuri rambled, still under the blanket.

“I’ll just write six and a half, like yesterday. Last one is general, just how you feel. One is take me back to the hospital right now and ten is take me back to the rink right now.”

“That sounds biased.”

“Just answer the question.”

“Fine. Like, four, I guess. Today was pretty okay.”

“Four,” Victor whispered as he wrote. “Okay, we’re done. See how easy that was?”

“No,” Yuuri answered stubbornly. Victor slipped the journal in the drawer of the nightstand (out of sight, out of mind) and hugged the blanket, knowing Yuuri was hiding in there somewhere. Truthfully, Victor hated the journal too, but not for the same reason. Yuuri found it embarrassing to document how awful he felt every night; especially since he was so prone to being incredibly private when it came to illness. He was a master of hiding packs of tissues in his sleeve when he had a cold, or escaping social situations when he needed to cough. With this, though, there was no being private. He had to record every gross thing that happened and relay it to the doctors at the next appointment, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to convince himself that everyone who knew what was going on with his health wasn’t disgusted. Meanwhile, Victor hated the journal for how it put into perspective how bad things were. Even while he was almost always home taking care of him, Yuuri still managed to hide things. In the past couple of days he had gained back enough strength to sometimes hobble around alone on his crutches, which gave him the freedom to keep things secret. He’d started taking frequent showers, playing loud American rock music to drown out the sounds of coughing, retching, or using the washroom. The journal was getting increasingly frustrating as Victor discovered more and more things that had flown over his head throughout the day. It terrified him that Yuuri might start trying to hide seizures as well, which could put him in serious danger.

Tired of cuddling a faceless blanket-lump, Victor burrowed under the thick comforter until his nose was touching Yuuri’s.

“You shouldn’t hide under the blankets. It’s not good for your fever.” It was hard to tell under the dark blanket, but he was pretty sure Yuuri rolled his eyes before scooting away from him. That was a bad plan, though, and he ended up scooting right off the bed, yelping as he hit the floor with a thud. Victor threw the blanket off of himself and scrambled to the floor where Yuuri was in a little heap, his shoulders jumping.

“Shit! Are you okay? Are you crying? Look at me!” he cried frantically, grasping Yuuri’s arm.

“I’m laughing, Vitya,” he answered, sitting up slowly to reveal a sheepish smile. “What happened to your sense of humour?” Victor breathed a sigh of relief before replying,

“I think it got worried for a second there. You didn’t jar your ankle, did you?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. It was funny. Remember that? Funny? Can we please talk about something other than my ankle and my… you know, my everything else?” Victor sighed, forcing himself not to scoop Yuuri up and put him back in bed, instead offering him a hand. With a little help, Yuuri stood on his good foot and climbed into bed, looking at him expectantly.

“Of course. Sorry,” Victor said finally, crawling back into bed beside him. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Literally anything,” Yuuri breathed. “Watching paint dry. Math exams. American politics.”

“Getting married in Japan,” Victor blurted out. Had he really said that out loud? In the back of his mind, he knew it was foolish to be embarrassed about talking about wedding fantasies when you’re already engaged, but still. He felt heat rise to his cheeks and idly wondered if he was more flushed than Yuuri. There was a moment of heavy silence before Yuuri grabbed Victor’s face and kissed him. Hard. Harder than he had since this whole mess had started. Maybe harder than he ever had.

 Yuuri wished he could kiss him for longer, but his lungs began to burn after only a few seconds. He didn’t tell Victor that. He didn’t mention how much his body hurt from the simple effort of pulling him in for the kiss in the first place, or how his ankle was actually throbbing from falling off the bed. None of that mattered at the moment, because Victor wanted to get married in Japan. Yuuri had never even considered the possibility of someone wanting to marry him, ever. Maybe as a young child it had crossed his mind- the beautiful idea of a wedding on that lovely cliff near the onsen- in the spring, maybe, when it would be raining cherry blossom petals. At some point in college it had suddenly occurred to him that that dream had died around the time he met Nishigori, but he wasn’t upset about that. He had never missed the fantasy, exactly, but now it was suddenly back in his mind and it was oddly wonderful. Thoughts of kissing under the cherry blossoms, looking out over the Hasetsu cityscape with someone else, walking along the beach holding hands with Victor, his husband, all raced through his head in the space of less than a second. He knew he should say something, but the emotion was so overwhelming he didn’t know what he would do if he allowed himself to snap out of this trance. Finally, the emotions bubbled over, and before he could stop himself, he blurted out a laugh. Victor flushed crimson, looking horribly embarrassed for some reason, and Yuuri couldn’t correct him because he was just too happy, happier than he’d probably thought he could ever be, and all his language abilities flew out of him with a giddy whoosh.

“I’m sorry, that was such a weird thing to say- it was so sudden. I just- you have more family than I do, and- like- I know we technically met in Russia but you didn’t remember that and that night didn’t feel real anyway because it was just a party and parties end. But being in Japan was the first time I didn’t feel so alone and I just thought- I’m sorry, I’m just making this more awkward…” Yuuri prepared his weak lungs and interrupted Victor with another kiss, knowing there was something he could be saying, but deciding that just this once, he’d put his own needs first and let himself indulge in the feeling of being overwhelmingly happy. He pulled away for breath frequently, trying to suppress the urge to cough, and kissed as hard as he could until his burning lungs forced him to stop again. When he finally pulled away, he was exhausted, his body begging him to sleep. He pushed it back for just a moment as he searched for something, anything, to say. Finally, dropping his head tiredly and contentedly onto the pillow, he whispered,

“And then we’ll honeymoon somewhere warm.” With that, he fell asleep in his almost-husband’s arms.

He thought things were getting better.

He really did.

He dreamt of weddings and honeymoons for the first half of the night. It was blissful and calm. He woke up a few times, and found himself warm and still in Victor’s arms, and that was enough to lull him back into a contented sleep.

The sun was almost up when things started going downhill.

The dream was of a honeymoon on a beautiful island somewhere. One second he was holding Victor’s hand, looking out over the serene horizon, and the next, he was cold and alone. Dark clouds began rolling over the dream-beach. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was only dreaming, but that wasn’t enough to stop him being terrified as the sun completely disappeared. What had once been the sound of soft waves on the shore became screams. Horrible, bloodcurdling screams echoed in his head. He called out for Victor- he’d been there a moment ago! Where was he? Without the sun the beach was awfully cold; Yuuri could see huge, grotesque goosebumps forming all over his body, distorting it so it looked like he’d been attacked by bees. The screams got louder and louder. They sounded pained and desperate- like the scream of someone being tortured- and Yuuri began to recognize familiar voices in the chorus. Mari was first, but his parents were there too. Then Phichit. Yurio. Where was Victor? He looked around frantically, but all he could see in the dark was a jagged wooden sign that read, “Why did you ruin our honeymoon?” Powerful nausea swirled in Yuuri’s stomach as he did the last thing he could think of: run. He sprinted full force along the beach, but the further he went the less his legs worked. They felt numb, but they somehow hurt at the same time. His running got slower, sloppier. He ran, crying now, until he stumbled across a mangled body. The person was clearly dead; they were bleeding from… well… everywhere, it seemed, and their limbs appeared to be twisted and broken. Yuuri could see slashes across the person’s throat and abdomen, and his mouth fell open in a silent scream as he recognized blood-soaked silvery blond hair and lifeless blue eyes…

“Yuuri? Yuuri! Wake up, please!” Cool hands touched his arms and face. The beach was gone. Where was he? It was soft. He felt heavy blankets on him, but he was freezing. What was that sound? “Yuuri, you’re hyperventilating. You need to calm down.” Oh. He was making that sound. It sounded like the way an angry monster would breathe. Were monsters real? He couldn’t remember. He felt the cool hands come back for a moment, pressing on his cheeks and forehead. Then they left, and suddenly the world started getting even colder, and Yuuri cried out because he was afraid he might be on that beach again. “No, no, it’s okay. It’s just me. I’m moving the blankets because you’re too hot right now. Can you open your eyes for me?” Oh. It hadn’t occurred to Yuuri that his eyes were closed. Maybe if he opened his eyes it wouldn’t be so dark. With a lot of effort he forced his eyelids up. The dim bedside lamp burned, but then Victor’s blue eyes appeared in front of him, not dead, so he didn’t mind. He decided now might be a good time to sit up, because lying down meant sleeping and sleeping meant Victor would be dead on a beach. He wasn’t sure how long he spent trying to sit up, but his muscles burned and he was incredibly dizzy by the time Victor helped him.

“Need a hug,” Yuuri heard himself whisper, before dissolving into panicked tears. Like magic, Victor’s arms wrapped around him, ever so slightly dulling the edge of the painful cold assaulting his body.

“Okay, okay. Hush, it’s alright.  I’m right here,” he heard him whisper. For some reason, that made Yuuri cry harder. At least, something did. Maybe it was the embarrassment. He knew he was embarrassed, although he couldn’t quite remember why. Maybe it was the terror of his nightmare, or his fear of going back to sleep. Maybe it was the blinding, unadulterated pain clenching his body from the inside out. Regardless, Victor’s hands traced up and down his back, along his scalp, and somehow everywhere they could possibly be to comfort him. His face was there too, whispering to him, planting little kisses on his neck and in his hair. It felt like they stayed there forever, but also only for a few seconds before Victor shifted and Yuuri felt something appear under his tongue. A lollipop? Doctors give lollipops when you’re sick, right? Yuuri was pretty sure he was sick. It didn’t taste very good, but he appreciated the gesture anyway. He wouldn’t tell Victor it didn’t taste good. He was just looking up to thank him when the lollipop started screaming at him, and he spat it out, yelping. He heard Victor saying something to the lollipop; he couldn’t tell if it was English or Russian, but he recognized it was swear words. Victor must not have realized the lollipop was angry at first. Understandable.

Then, the warmth disappeared, and through his hazy vision Yuuri could see him floating away, toward the door. Why would he leave him? He couldn’t leave him! Not knowing what else to do, Yuuri felt himself scream, “No!” Victor spun around in shock, rushing back to the bed. His hands appeared in his hair again, which was nice, but not enough to slow the tears that had started anew. Victor was floating above him somewhere, asking what was wrong. He sounded desperate and scared and Yuuri felt a pang of guilt, but immediately couldn’t remember why.

“Don’t leave me,” he sobbed. He heard Victor agree, but he still couldn’t find him, which was frustrating. He wondered whether or not his eyes were open, but he wasn’t sure how to check. Next, he was flying, and for a horrible moment he wondered if he had died- but then, he felt Victor’s breath on his neck and relaxed.  There was a blast of cold air, and then a few moments of painful nothingness. Then he was lying on a hard, cool floor and Victor was wiping something off of his face. Then, he was sitting up again, somewhere soft, talking to his mother. When had she gotten here?

Reality slowly began to fade into his consciousness, and he started to understand what was happening. He was propped up against Victor on the couch, facing a computer screen. Kaasan wasn’t in Russia, she was on the computer screen. Skype? Yeah, skype. With a lot of effort he said hello, having no idea if it came out in Japanese or English. He couldn’t find the energy to care. It was always wonderful talking to Kaasan, but Yuuri found it incredibly impossible to keep up. He faded in and out of the land of the awake as Victor and Kaasan chatted, distress palpable in both of their tones.

 “40.8???” Victor nodded, gazing guiltily at Hiroko’s worried expression. “He needs to be at the hospital, Vicchan!” He sighed.

“I called his doctor, but she said having him here is just the same as having him there. We already have all the meds I can give him.” Truthfully, Victor had seriously considered taking Yuuri to the hospital anyway, simply for the sake of his own sanity. Even if there wasn’t much they could do, it was tempting to put the responsibility in their hands for a few hours. Of course, he immediately felt guilty for thinking that. He glanced down at Yuuri; it was hard to tell whether or not he was awake. He occasionally murmured things to himself, or maybe he thought he was participating in the conversation. Every time he made a noise Hiroko looked at him intently, like she desperately wanted him to say something coherent. The look in her eyes gave Victor another sharp pang of guilt, and he wondered if she thought Yuuri would be better off in Japan, under her care instead of his.

“He’s going to be alright,” Victor whispered, unsure of who he was trying to convince. Hiroko nodded, shifting to the side as Mari appeared in the frame to say hi. Her shock was obvious when she saw the condition her brother was in. Her English wasn’t quite as good as her mother’s, and nowhere near Yuuri’s, but she addressed Victor when she said,

“He looked better on Instagram today.”

“He was,” Victor answered, speaking slowly to help Mari keep up. “It just started getting bad again early this morning.” Her eyes shifted back to her brother and she said something in Japanese, causing him to stir slightly. He made a tiny noise, opening his eyes again to look at the screen. Seeing him awake, Mari smiled and repeated herself, and Yuuri responded with a sentence that Victor actually knew how to translate.

“Watashi wa, anata o aishiteimasu, Onee-chan.” (I love you, Onee-chan.)

 “Watashi mo anata o aishitemasu, Onii-san,” (I love you too, Onii-san.) Mari answered. A tear slipped down her face and she hastily wiped it away before bidding them goodbye and heading back to work. Once she was gone Yuuri dozed off again and Victor filled Hiroko in on the past couple of days since they had last skyped. He was just about to wake Yuuri to say goodbye when he made a little noise in the back of his throat. Hiroko let out a surprised

“Oh!” as his mouth fell open, letting a stream of vomit dribble continuously into his lap. Victor moved calmly, numbly, keeping Yuuri upright until he was done. He wiped Yuuri’s mouth with a tissue and swiftly pulled off his soiled pajama pants, relieved that his boxers had made it unscathed. Yuuri didn’t seem embarrassed about throwing up this time, or even having his boyfriend pull his pants off in front of his mother. His lack of reaction might have been the most concerning part.

“I think I’m going to take him back to bed with some fresh ice packs,” Victor said, cringing as his voice cracked. Hiroko nodded sadly, bidding him goodbye before saying something in Japanese, which Yuuri seemed to at least partially acknowledge. The last thing she said was,

“Keep me updated.” With that, she hung up, leaving Victor to carry a terrifyingly non-protesting Yuuri back to bed.

hngggg the bottom is in weird text and idk why or how to fix it im sorry :(

[studyingpr]

Hiiiii 

I’m back from my summer break and I was thinking about my lasy year and then I wrote down what have I learn. Hope you find intersting and may help you if you’re a freshman. 

S T U D Y

You gotta study. For real. Not only going to class. You gotta read, make your assignment, do the tests and everything. Only attending to class won’t be enough.

Unfortunately you won’t be studying ONLY what you like. Back in high school we used to think like this, but it’s not true. There will be subjects you won’t like, boring professors and even subjects you hate. But that’s normal and will happen. 

Do NOT procrastinate. I mean it. Don’t let your assignment. When your professor set the due date, I recommend you starting at least 2 weeks before this date. Avoid stress and anxiety attacks because you’re doing your homework the night before.

Read your text books. For God’s sake, do it. Readings are important for finals and so you can understand what your professor is talking about in class. This way you won’t be lost.

Don’t be ashamed to raise your hands. Nobody is watching you or thinking you’ll say something stupid. Don’t think about this. Just ask your question or answer what your professor said. Don’t come back home with that doubt. 

Ask questions, ask your professor, your friends, anyone and don’t get lost on that subject. 

S O C I A L

People are different. Not everyone in college want to study and put effort on their education and you’ll have to understand and live with that.

Group projects may be hard. Mainly in the first semester, when you don’t know anyone, you’ll find the ‘wrong’ people to do your group assignments. People who you didn’t get along or they just won’t do their jobs. Just  try to not stress so much about it and stay away from that person on the next group.

You don’t have to do what everyone is doing. Do it if you’re comfortable with. Just because they are going to the bar it doesn’t mean you gotta go. You’re NOT forced to do anything and there’s no shame in no driking or not going out. You gotta do what’s best for you and the things you like.

Visit libraries. All of them. Find  your favourite one. If you can’t study at home, go out and find libraries, they’re the perfect place. Silence, books, calm and people studying is the perfect match for your studies. And there’s nothing else to do, so you’ll study anyway haha.

Visit others colleges, schools and campus. Be aware of the rules and do some visit to the places you’ve never been to. You can find other people, new places to study and you’re discovering something new.

Make friends. Friends and classmates are important to keep you okay and they’ll make it easy for you to go to the classes.

Your classmates aren’t competitors or enemies, so help out them. Help people is always a good thing and people will help you when you need. There’s no Hunger Games haha.

Discover your college. The programs, the sports, the clubs, extra classes and everything. College is such a great experience, so enjoy 101% of it. 

H E A L T H  and etc

Have fun. In your own way. Study 24/7 won’t be good for you and your mental health, so go out, watch some movies, visit museums, parks, bars, clubs or whatever you want, just close your books for a while.

Weeknds are for… what’s best for you, if you have to study for a test on monday, sorry, but you gotta study. If you study during the week or have night classes, you can rest.

Stay health. Eat fruits, veggies, proteins, carbos and keep yourself stronger for your routine. Drink tons of water and have good nights of sleeping, at least 8 hours. Avoid doing assigments 'till dawn and showing up at class like a zombie.

Keep your life organized. Get yourself a BuJo, agenda, diary, planners, cell phone, a notebook, just find what’s best for you and write it down. Everything. Classes, assignments, tests, finals, etc. This way you’ll have everything together and will be easier to organize your time and life.

Do not quit on your planning method. For years I tried to keep a diary, and 3 months after, I wasn’t using anymore. Last year I started a bullet journal and it’s working SO much for me. Create a habit to look over your notes, even if that requires to set an alarm everyday.

Don’t push yourself to hard. Nobody said you’ll HAVE to do that course. You can always change your mind and find what’s best for you.

If necessary, find help. There’s tons of help/support groups on colleges, if you need, find someone and talk about it. Black people, LGBTQ, refugees you are NOT alone and people will help you.

Be yourself. People will like you as you are, you don’t have to be someone else to be liked. 

PORTUGUÊS (BR)  AQUI:

E S T U D O 

Você precisa estudar. Sério. Não basta só ir as aulas. Você tem que ler os livros, fazer trabalhos, provas.

Você não vai estudar SÓ o que gosta. Lembra da frase do ensino médio? Aquela “você tá estudando o que não gosta agora pra na faculdade só fazer o que gosta”? Mentira. Vão ter matérias que você não vai ter muita afinidade, matérias legais mas com professores chatos e disciplinas que você odeia. Acontece, e é normal. 

Não procrastine. Não deixe as coisas para a última hora. Quando o professor passar um trabalho com uma data bem longe, não se engane, o tempo passa muito rápido. Comece um trabalho pelo menos 2 semanas antes da data de entrega dele. Eu deixei muita coisa pra ultima hora e acabei me estressando, levando minha ansiedade nas alturas e chorando de madrugada morrendo de sono. 

Leia os livros e textos. Pelo amor de Deus, faça isso. Leituras são importantes e fundamentais para uma aula, e para uma prova também. Ninguém merece estar numa aula em que você não entende nada porque não fez a leitura. 

Não tenha medo ou vergonha de levantar a mão. Seja pra perguntar ou responder alguma coisa. Levante sua mão e fale aquilo que tiver de falar. Pode parecer que está todo mundo te olhando ou pensando que você vai dizer alguma coisa estupida, mas não, é tudo coisa da sua cabeça. Tente não voltar pra casa com aquela dúvida. Pode ser importante. Além do que, os professores gostam que a gente tire dúvidas. 

S O C I A L 

As pessoas são diferentes. E você vai ter que aceitar isso. Você pode gostar de estudar e tudo, mas nem todo mundo é assim. 

Você vai escolher as pessoas erradas para fazer trabalho em grupo. Quando você é novo num lugar, você não conhece ninguém, né?  Imagina um monte de gente que não se conhece? Pior ainda. No primeiro semestre, especialmente, Você vai fazer duplas e grupos com pessoas que podem não querer estudar, que queiram deixar tudo pro ultimo segundo, alguém desleixado ou chato. E depois dessa experiência, você vai, no mínimo, não querer fazer mais trabalho com ela. E tá tudo bem, porque você vai descobrir o grupo perfeito pra você depois, conforme for vendo e conversando com as outras pessoas.

Você não precisa fazer tudo o que os outros fazem. Faça aquilo que te faça bem, te faça se sentir seguro. Não é porque tá todo mundo matando aula pra tomar cerveja que você tem que ir atras dele. Você não é obrigada a experimentar nada daquilo que não quer, e não deixe ninguém te dizer o contrário. Não há vergonha alguma em não beber, não gostar de festas ou não sair. Você não precisa mostrar pra ninguém que é legal, a não ser você mesmo. Faça aquilo que TE faça sentir bem. É tudo que vai importar depois.

Vá em bibliotecas. Se você não consegue estudar em casa porque fica vendo sua cama (tão confortável), seu notebook (cheio de s��ries) ou a televisão, saia de casa e principalmente do seu quarto. Bibliotecas são o lugar perfeito para estudar. Você está cercado de livros, com outras pessoas que estão estudo, está tudo quieto, o clima é muito bom e relaxante. Além de ser o lugar propício, acaba te deixando sem alternativa a não ser estudar.

Visite outros institutos. Ou faculdades, ou campis. Eu não sei se em faculdades particulares pode haver trânsito entre as unidades, mas se sim, faça isso. Se você estuda em uma faculdade pública, você com certeza pode. Então faça. Nos dois casos, vá em bibliotecas diferentes, conheça os lugares diferentes, gente nova, lugares para comer, espaços, laboratórios. Conheça mais da sua escola do que só aquele pequeno local que você estuda.

Se divirta. Do seu modo, claro. Não fique só na faculdade, isso pode encher seu saco uma hora e fazer você detestar aquele lugar, e você ainda vai passar pelo menos mais 3 anos lá. Vá em festas, bares, lanchonetes, cinemas, teatro. Qualquer coisa que você se divirta e deixe os estudos de lado durante um tempo.

Finais de semana são para… aquilo que te servir melhor. Eu não trabalhava, não tinha muito o que fazer e tinha aulas a noite, então meu final de semana era especial para descansar. Durante a semana eu estudava, fazia trabalhos, minha vida girava entorno da faculdade. Mas durante o final de semana, eu nem olhava para livros ou qualquer coisa relacionada a faculdade. Mas se você trabalha, ou tem aula em uma grande parte do dia, você vai ter que acabar estudando um pouco durante o final de semana. Não todo ele, claro. Você vai perceber quando vai precisar abrir mão do descanso. Se você tiver que terminar um trabalho para ser entregue segunda feira, estudar pra prova no mesmo dia e ler um texto, você não vai poder deixar isso pra segunda. Vai ter que fazer durante o sábado ou domingo.

Tenha amigos. Não fique no seu mundo fechado, sem deixar que as pessoas se aproximem ou converse com você. Eu achei que não conseguiria fazer amigos, mas é tudo uma questão de tempo, até você conhecer as pessoas certas para querer passar um bom tempo ao lado delas.

Seus colegas de classe(s) não são concorrentes. Não tente sacanear eles ou impedir alguma coisa. Pelo contrário, ajude-os. Se alguém não sabe a data daquela prova, ou da entrega do trabalho, vá e diga. Ajude, ensine as coisas e seja uma boa pessoa com seus colegas. Ninguém merece estudar em um ambiente chato como se fosse um tipo de jogos vorazes.

 Nem todo mundo tá ali tão focado em estudar. Você provavelmente deve ter estudado com alguém que não gostava muito de estudar, ou que mal aparecia nas aulas ou que não fazia trabalhos. Na faculdade é igual. Vai ter pessoas que serão exatamente assim. Eu me surpreendi até, haha.

Conheça sua faculdade. Dependendo de como for, ela pode ter milhares de coisas que você não conhece. Esportes, torneios, clubes, palestras, eventos, bibliotecas, parques, áreas de lazer! Então pergunte para os veteranos, pesquise na internet, fale com alguém e conheça tudo aquilo que sua faculdade pode te proporcionar. 

S A Ú D E e etc.

Se alimente. Leve um lanchinho na mochila, deixe um em seu armário, mas principalmente, almoce e jante direito. Coma legumes, proteínas, carboidratos, feijão. Você precisa estar pronto pra aguentar o dia-a-dia. 

Tenha uma boa noite de sono. Durma, é importante, pra você e seu organismo também. Tente dormir pelo menos 8h e evite ficar fazendo trabalhos e leituras durante a madrugada e dormir poucas horas.

Organize-se. Arrume um bullet journal, uma agenda, um planner, celular, um caderno qualquer, o que seja, mas anote tudo. Datas de trabalhos, leituras, horários de treinos, horário pra estudo, provas. A faculdade é cheia de coisas e se você não se organizar, vai acabar se perdendo. Teste o melhor jeito pra você e comece a anotar, vai ser muito melhor.

Não abandone sua agenda. Durante anos eu deixava minhas agendas de lado. Sempre gostei de ter, de ir comprar, mas eu acabava largando-as em três, quatro meses depois do início das aulas e descobri o porque. Cada um se adapta a um sistema de organização. Hoje em dia existem milhares de sistemas que você pode testar e adaptar conforme o seu gosto. Crie um hábito de olhá-la todo dia e ao invés de anotar a data da prova no canto do seu caderno, pegue sua agenda e anote lá. Isso ajuda a manter todas as informações mais relevantes em um só lugar. (Eu sempre usei o método da agenda, mas ano passado comecei s usar bullet journal e amei! Foi o melhor sistema pra mim e eu o usei durante todo o ano.) 

Você não precisa fazer esse curso, se não quiser. As vezes, por sermos novos ou não conhecermos muito, escolhemos qualquer curso, só para estar na faculdade. Ou então você pensou que iria ser de um jeito e viu que é muito diferente. Se você nã está gostando das suas aulas, os professores são chatos, você se pergunta porque está ali e se pergunta se esse é realmente o curso certo pra você, provavelmente não é. Você ainda é novo, pode escolher outra coisa! Ninguém disse que aquilo ali é o que você vai fazer pro resto da sua vida! Saia do curso, vá pesquisar, assistir outras aulas e ir atras daquilo que você realmente quer e ser feliz.

Não fique em silêncio. Hoje em dia existem diversos tipos de ajudas, coletivos e grupos que você pode fazer parte. Não aguente nenhum tipo de bullying ou coisas maldosas e sempre procure ajuda.

Seja você mesmo. Você não precisa ser igual a ninguém ou querer fazer tudo que as pessoas fazem só pra ser como elas ou se enturmar. As pessoas vão gostar de você por ser quem você é, do jeitinho que você é.

[winnieoaks]

wednesday, 06.02.21

ignore me. just a confession from a spiraling teenage girl.

date: wednesday, 06.02.2021, 2:55 P.M.

it's a wednesday afternoon. the sun is shining brightly outside, i think. i noticed the tree by my window has finally grown its new leaves this year. ready for the summer. cannot relate. at least i'm not sitting in my graduation cap and gown like i was yesterday, just mourning the loss of the last days of high school and thinking about how everything came to be and how it seems like even though i've gotten this far, it still feels like i've missed out on everything. that's being the new neighbor on the block for you! new neighbor in the country, if we're gonna get down to the details. finally back in my home country and it somehow feels entirely foreign to me. maybe that's just covid talking. maybe it's just the adjustment period. at least that's what my therapist tells me.

i could very well be writing all of this in my own journal instead of sharing it publicly. highly unlikely that anybody will be reading any of this, considering the logistics of it all. but in the end, typing is easier and faster; maybe this way i'll finally be able to catch up to my thoughts!

what i should actually be doing right now is continuing my "thorough" research on careers so that i can make a plan for my future instead of sitting in front of the computer working at a job for the rest of my years, in pure loneliness, thinking what could've happened if i'd simply made a decision. right. i'm not going to college just yet. if one person asks me one more time if i know where i want to go next year, i think i might just lay myself to rest. to quote something my friend told me the other day, "god, i am coming up".

indeed, what a struggle it is to be a procrastinator who is also a perfectionist. but that's the infj for you. so little time in the world to think about everything i need to do. and of course, i know that plans always change. but it doesn't hurt to have somewhere to start off from, instead of just floating here. it feels as though on a wayward train, moving at the fastest speed possible, the world moving past me, and i can only put my hand to the window and watch. nothing to hold in my hands to prove that all my years of schooling got me anywhere mentally to make decisions for the course of my entire life. nothing tangible. no friends (at the moment) around me. everybody i truly know far across the border, somewhere across the sea.

and yet how many decisions there are to make! so many things to get done! researching colleges, researching majors (because i refuse to go undeclared), researching scholarships, applying for colleges, applying for scholarships, doing the sat, getting essays done, getting everything together for early action later this year. and i'm still not sure if i even wanna go. and what is it that i even want to do? i want to do many things. i can't trust myself to make a decision and stick with it when i live my life in obsessions, constantly falling in love with one thing and moving onto the next. it guess it's a good thing i haven't dated either. and so little time to harness all the loves i have. time, a curse and a blessing. halfway through the year and i'm still in a rut. are we surprised? oh, woe is me!

i think sylvia plath really sums up how i feel in the following excerpt from the bell jar:

"i can never read all the books i want; i can never be all the people i want and live all the lives i want. i can never train myself in all the skills i want. and why do i want? i want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. and i am horribly limited."

at least i get to keep the cap and gown.

signing off,

winella oaks

[limejuicer1862]

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger.

The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Jason O’Toole,

is a Rhylsing Award nominated poet, musician, and elder advocate. He is the author of two poetry collections published by the Red Salon, Spear of Stars (2018) and Soulless Heavens (2019). Recent work has appeared in Nixes Mate Review, The Scrib Arts Journal, The Wild Word, and Vita Brevis.

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write poetry?

From a young age, poetry has been my way of sharing thoughts and observations that could not otherwise be easily introduced into conversation. As an adult, it’s also how I process trauma and grief, from surviving shoot-outs and seeing horrible events at work, to losing contact with my children in the wake of a divorce. I don’t want to self-obsess and start every poem with “I” though and many of my current poems tell stories about the down-and-out people I encounter throughout my day, whether an addict waiting for her dealer behind a building or a disabled vet whose family never visit.

2. Who introduced you to poetry?

When I entered 4th grade I had a teacher at the Albany Academy named Mrs. Everett. She was from England and “old school” in the best way. We were given short poems to memorize and recite each week such as Carl Sandberg’s “The Fog.” If we got our assignments done, she let us read books from her library, which contained classics such as Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur.

My family had shelves full of books. My brother and I recognized that these contained the secret to the mystical power that adults had over us. He got started on the science books, and I started reading the philosophy and poetry. I didn’t always understand what I was reading but they felt familiar to me somehow. I kept a dictionary on hand to look up the meaning of words. The first poets that I recall relating best to were e.e. cummings, T.S. Eliot, William Butler Yeats, and A.E. Housman. I also discovered William S. Burroughs way too young.

2.1. Why did you find yourself relating best to “  e.e. cummings, T.S. Eliot, William Butler Yeats, and A.E. Housman.” ?

The accessible avant-gardist e. e. cummings appealed to me as his poems were stripped down to the bone yet impactful and visually appealing. His playful, off-label use of syntax and made-up words opened up possibilities for me as a kid writing my first non-rhyming poems.

T.S Eliot was another poet that every college educated family had hanging around on their shelves. The Waste Land gave me a road map for leaving the 20th Century. It didn’t go anywhere especially good, but how could it. “Well now that’s done: and I’m glad it’s over.”

William Butler Yeats was one of the greatest magickal minds of his time. I didn’t realize this on my first reading of his poems as his occult history was almost entirely glossed over by the academics. As a kid I knew there was something pagan and exciting lurking behind the verse. I also enjoyed reading the Irish folklore he and Lady Gregory preserved. Later I would learn of his run ins with Aleister Crowley and that added to the allure.

A.E. Housman’s A Shropshire Lad was written with the gloomy adolescent male in mind. I memorized several of the poems and drew cartoons to go along with them. When The Smiths came on the scene, I immediately connected with the lyrics on the Hatful of Hollow ep which seemed to have been spawned from a similar maudlin mind.

2.2. Why did you discover “William S. Burroughs way too young”?

My grandparents had friends, Vincent and Brita, who were painters who also owned an enviable art collection which included a Picasso, purchased for half-nothing before he was famous. I would sit and read in their library, and of course the title Naked Lunch jumped out at me. I was in middle school at the time. Maybe 5th grade? The strangest fiction I had read prior to this was Madeleine L’Engle’s Time Quintet and Ursla K. Le Guin’s The Lathe of Heaven. I didn’t quite know what the hell was happening in it, but it was filthy and funny. I was hooked and read almost everything Burroughs wrote before the age of 16. I enjoyed making collage and cut-ups, some of which I published in zines I made with Sam McPheeters, and during high school, Burroughs was one of my main influences along with The Situationists International, Dr. Anton LaVey, and The Church of Subgenius in my visual art, comics, poetry and prose.

3. How aware were you of the dominating presence of older poets?

In my early teens, I’d gone on my own to hear Allen Ginsberg and Anne Waldman read, and having read Burroughs, Kerouac, Corso and others associated with them, knew that I could learn a lot from the Beats. I also knew that I would have to find my own voice. I was in absolutely no rush to do so. Though I have contributed lyrics and vocals on several underground recordings of punk and experimental music and edited Situationist and Punk zines and an academic journal (Dialectical Anthropology) I did not start seriously seeking publication of my poems until 2018. Now I am one of the older poets!

4. What is your daily writing routine?

I never know when I will be struck by the need to write a poem or story. Almost none of my poems are planned. I don’t sit down and say, “I’m going to bang out a poem about a seagull.” I might overhear a phrase in conversation, read a terrible on-line review, or have a traumatic memory resurface. I always keep a notebook on me so I can jot down whatever strikes me as worth recording. Some of these notes wind their way into poems.

Less often I will write short stories, essays, or tinker with one of my novels-in-progress. I find that speculative fiction allows me to hide real stories and people (from my work as an investigator) in plain sight and process some of my worst experiences.

5. What motivates you to write?

Poets and authors have helped me make sense of being human better than any church ever could. I hope I can help others unravel some of the mysteries, complexities and inanities of existence. For some of us, it’s a matter of survival – finding a reason to stay sober, make less terrible choices, and get through another day.

6. What is your work ethic?

Many people complain that they have no time to write. I do my best not to have unmet obligations hanging over me. I pay my bills, get the laundry done, never leave a dish in the sink. I may find other reasons to procrastinate, but at least I won’t waste time worrying about daily chores and it’s easier to write with a clean house.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

I feel a distinct kinship with certain poets and authors. There is a lineage that exists for writers akin to the lineages in religious orders, martial arts schools or royalty. There are poets I read in my teens and twenties who I abhor now, such as Bukowski. I still read him now and again, perhaps as a reminder of what not to be. As for my own tribe, I’ll read Corso and then follow the stream back to Shelley who defined “the pain of bliss” that both poets articulated. I’ll jump from Ignatow’s mountains and bagels, to Williams, “No ideas but in things” to Whitman’s sacred bodies, and to teenage rebel Rimbaud, and then back to where I find – myself.

8. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

Juleigh Howard-Hobson is a fellow avant-garde traditionalist. Unlike most modern poets, she is also a formalist. Despite poems written in form not being in style, she is prolifically published and has earned awards and several important nominations. She’s also published fiction and non-fiction, all while living off the grid and running a small family farm in the Pacific Northwest. As one of my mentors, Juleigh has been generous with her time and is always willing to share calls for submissions and her extensive knowledge of the small presses and poetry journals.

9. Why do you write, as opposed to doing anything else?

I am a fair guitar player, have managed to sell some of my art in galley shows, and apparently my singing is okay for what it is, but poetry is the one thing I feel I have the ability to be “the best” at if I focus more of my energy on reading, appreciating and writing poetry. It’s sometimes a solitary exercise, but there is a vibrant community out there as well. Now that I’ve been sober for three years and am not a resentment machine, I can get along fairly well with other poets and maybe even be an asset to the community.

10. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

I can only answer how one might become a writer like myself. There are many paths, and some are surely more lucrative than my own. First you must be a reader. I don’t trust poets who don’t read other poets. I believe they are only taking selfies with words.

Secondly, you must be a listener and understand that listening isn’t the opposite of talking. It’s an active role. Be a semiotician and try to understand why people are saying what they are saying. Why are they choosing certain words over others? Pay attention to tone of voice, body language and the messages that they are trying to convey with their personal style. This practice of reading the signs that people flash, has the added benefit of anticipating problems, and could save your life!

Get outside, have some adventures, mix it up with people outside of your usual circle, and observe everything. Try to spot the details that others miss. Drive to some town you’ve never been to before and spot what’s different about it from your town. What are the names on the headstones? What are the mom and pop businesses selling? Get out of the car and talk to people and ask them questions and you may learn of local legends, ghost stories, and witch’s graves.

Stay curious and be present in life. Maybe then you’ll have something interesting to tell the rest of us. People love a good story, so you have that in your favour from the start. Go find one.

11. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

I am contributing spoken word to recordings with Herr Lounge Corps and we should have an album out before long. I am performing and recording stateside with Alec K. Redfearn, a Providence based composer of weird music. I plan on introducing and editing the collected poems of a certain forgotten female poet and occultist. Some of my weird fiction stories have been published by horror presses and I’m slowly working on a couple of novels. I’m gratified that my poems have been published in journals and anthologies around the world, that I’ve been nominated for the Rhysling Award, and that I have more than enough for a third collection when the time is right. People are reading my writing and are reaching out to tell me what it means to them. For me, that means everything.

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Jason O’Toole Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

[malaiseofdyingrelationships-blog]

Dear Class of 2010, This will be my last entry written specifically for you; beginning with the launch of our new site in early September, I’ll begin focusing on the future class of 2011. I hope that you guys won’t be strangers; stay in touch either in person (come visit us!) or online (please drop by the blogs from time to time and say hi). As you begin your college experience, and I prepare for my 10-year college reunion, I thought I’d leave you with the things that, in retrospect, I think are important as you navigate the next four years. I hope that some of them are helpful. Here goes…

Your friends will change a lot over the next four years. Let them.

Call someone you love back home a few times a week, even if just for a few minutes.

In college more than ever before, songs will attach themselves to memories. Every month or two, make a mix cd, mp3 folder, whatever - just make sure you keep copies of these songs. Ten years out, they’ll be as effective as a journal in taking you back to your favorite moments.

Take naps in the middle of the afternoon with reckless abandon.

Adjust your schedule around when you are most productive and creative. If you’re nocturnal and do your best work late at night, embrace that. It may be the only time in your life when you can.

If you write your best papers the night before they are due, don’t let people tell you that you “should be more organized” or that you “should plan better.” Different things work for different people. Personally, I worked best under pressure - so I always procrastinated… and always kicked ass (which annoyed my friends to no end). ;-) Use the freedom that comes with not having grades first semester to experiment and see what works best for you.

At least a few times in your college career, do something fun and irresponsible when you should be studying. The night before my freshman year psych final, my roommate somehow scored front row seats to the Indigo Girls at a venue 2 hours away. I didn’t do so well on the final, but I haven’t thought about psych since 1993. I’ve thought about the experience of going to that show (with the guy who is now my son’s godfather) at least once a month ever since.

Become friends with your favorite professors. Recognize that they can learn from you too - in fact, that’s part of the reason they chose to be professors.

Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn’t count.)

Go on dates. Don’t feel like every date has to turn into a relationship.

Don’t date someone your roommate has been in a relationship with.

When your friends’ parents visit, include them. You’ll get free food, etc., and you’ll help them to feel like they’re cool, hangin’ with the hip college kids.

In the first month of college, send a hand-written letter to someone who made college possible for you and describe your adventures thus far. It will mean a lot to him/her now, and it will mean a lot to you in ten years when he/she shows it to you.

Embrace the differences between you and your classmates. Always be asking yourself, “what can I learn from this person?” More of your education will come from this than from any classroom.

All-nighters are entirely overrated.

For those of you who have come to college in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school: despite what many will tell you, it can work. The key is to not let your relationship interfere with your college experience. If you don’t want to date anyone else, that’s totally fine! What's not fine, however, is missing out on a lot of defining experiences because you’re on the phone with your boyfriend/girlfriend for three hours every day.

Working things out between friends is best done in person, not over email. (IM does not count as “in person.”) Often someone’s facial expressions will tell you more than his/her words.

Take risks.

Don’t be afraid of (or excited by) the co-ed bathrooms. The thrill is over in about 2 seconds.

Wednesday is the middle of the week; therefore on wednesday night the week is more than half over. You should celebrate accordingly. (It makes thursday and friday a lot more fun.)

Welcome failure into your lives. It’s how we grow. What matters is not that you failed, but that you recovered.

Take some classes that have nothing to do with your major(s), purely for the fun of it.

It’s important to think about the future, but it’s more important to be present in the now. You won’t get the most out of college if you think of it as a stepping stone.

When you’re living on a college campus with 400 things going on every second of every day, watching TV is pretty much a waste of your time and a waste of your parents’ money. If you’re going to watch, watch with friends so at least you can call it a “valuable social experience.”

Don’t be afraid to fall in love. When it happens, don’t take it for granted. Celebrate it, but don’t let it define your college experience.

Much of the time you once had for pleasure reading is going to disappear. Keep a list of the books you would have read had you had the time, so that you can start reading them when you graduate.

Things that seem like the end of the world really do become funny with a little time and distance. Knowing this, forget the embarassment and skip to the good part.

Every once in awhile, there will come an especially powerful moment when you can actually feel that an experience has changed who you are. Embrace these, even if they are painful.

No matter what your political or religious beliefs, be open-minded. You’re going to be challenged over the next four years in ways you can’t imagine, across all fronts. You can’t learn if you’re closed off.

If you need to get a job, find something that you actually enjoy. Just because it’s work doesn’t mean it has to suck.

Don’t always lead. It’s good to follow sometimes.

Take a lot of pictures. One of my major regrets in life is that I didn’t take more pictures in college. My excuse was the cost of film and processing. Digital cameras are cheap and you have plenty of hard drive space, so you have no excuse.

Your health and safety are more important than anything.

Ask for help. Often.

Half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at any given moment. Way more than half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at some point in the next four years. Get used to it.

In ten years very few of you will look as good as you do right now, so secretly revel in how hot you are before it’s too late.

In the long run, where you go to college doesn’t matter as much as what you do with the opportunities you’re given there. The MIT name on your resume won’t mean much if that’s the only thing on your resume. As a student here, you will have access to a variety of unique opportunities that no one else will ever have - don’t waste them.

On the flip side, don’t try to do everything. Balance = well-being.

Make perspective a priority. If you’re too close to something to have good perspective, rely on your friends to help you.

Eat badly sometimes. It’s the last time in your life when you can do this without feeling guilty about it.

Make a complete ass of yourself at least once, preferably more. It builds character.

Wash your sheets more than once a year. Trust me on this one.

If you are in a relationship and none of your friends want to hang out with you and your significant other, pay attention. They usually know better than you do.

Don’t be afraid of the weird pizza topping combinations that your new friend from across the country loves. Some of the truly awful ones actually taste pretty good. Expand your horizons.

Explore the campus thoroughly. Don’t get caught.

Life is too short to stick with a course of study that you’re no longer excited about. Switch, even if it complicates things.

Tattoos are permanent. Be very certain.

Don’t make fun of prefrosh. That was you like 2 hours ago.

Enjoy every second of the next four years. It is impossible to describe how quickly they pass.

This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn. Try to remember how lucky you are every day.

Be yourself. Create. Inspire, and be inspired. Grow. Laugh. Learn. Love. Welcome to some of the best years of your lives.

[nyklifsondiviiportfolio-blog]

Reflective Essay, Point of View for Fiction Writing

Nathalie Arnold, Hampshire College

December 15, 2015

Prior to this class, I wrote mainly first person point of view through the eyes of a 10-14 year old white girl. I would write intimate first person having my narratives be a character’s unobstructed thought processes. In my old work, I would write often from the perspective of my character keeping a journal or telling their story to the audience. I have been able to break away from these narrow views, which I did not even know I was trapped in. I was terrified of third person writing, now I am planning on writing my non-binary young-adult fiction/fantasy novel from that perspective. Point of view is fluid and the amount of leeway used in a piece shapes every tale. Life is a collection of sensations and moments; writing them down to create another being is so empowering, but frightening.

Now I feel more comfortable with third person, enough to switch my writing process. I also valued the thoughts writing we participated in, proprioceptive writing is so informative. I would throw away a lot of gunk blocking my creative core and dig deeper into my experience as a human to become more dedicated to story. I am morally conflicted on how to consciously develop character’s that also happen to be people of color while keeping my own socioeconomic status and being a white American in check. I am concerned about writing a transgendered main character and not having enough background in queer theory to create fully a society that young trans* teens will not be sold patriarchal self-hate through. I need to read more queer literature and feminist writing to figure out what kind of issues I am able to tackle, and what I need to let go of.

In this course I got the chance to take chances with my writing. I especially enjoyed the weekly response challenge. I would look for a character who’s story was telling itself to me, and by the end I wrote from the interpretation of the quarry itself. I was a dying half-deaf old farmer and a middle aged woman trying to be twice as mindful due to her mother’s memory loss. I feel like I went into the woods and explored all different species in my writing and am excited to branch out further.

This semester was really difficult to live through. To be honest, I am not really sure how I made it. I do know that this class gave me inspiration and strength. The power of the pen saved me this semester. I needed to write. I am so grateful to my groups for not giving up on me, and helping me further my work. I am so grateful to have  read all this literature that is outside of the genre I have nested in. I am so grateful for Girl Meets Boy and The Girl Who Raised Pigeons. I am so grateful for being able to participate in a classroom setting that focuses on expanding student’s creative outlooks on worlds created and applying that to the one we function within. I feel that once I get better at editing and stop procrastinating, I will have a lot fewer setbacks in my future tentative career.

I regret every class I missed, but am thankful that even when I had not read all of a story for class, the discourse over each work lead me to go back and finish what I started. This course has given me so much more than I ever hoped for. I am much more confident in my writing and in myself. I would sit and listen to my peers and you discuss everything and I would--just through breathing in the same air--acquire better writing techniques. The rhetoric used and thoughts provoked stimulated me to take risks and tell the story that wants to be told instead of what I want to write. For example, it was difficult for me to write the name piece and one I wrote about a person listening to a David Bowie Cassette tape. Whereas, whenever I sat down to write another installment of Iphis’ life my fingers seemed to be burning from the fire my character emits. I have a foundation to stand on.  

I am the only one who limits my writing, and the the thorough  smashing of each point of view in every exercise helped me reach that conclusion. First person can be lonely. Third person involves the placement of the reader and narrator's eyes. Second person is forceful but also comforting.

I am most intimidated by second person still, but I aim to crank out more work from this point of view. I am afraid to take my time in my pacing of a moment, but not every situation speeds past. I am going to do my best to be confident enough to connect to the reader more through second person. Second person differs from the relationship I build with my unknown audience when writing third or first. It is very much based in telling the reader everything, I feel like I depend on the author more when reading in second person. In The Bowl I did not feel rushed through her--or my-- day. I got a highlight reel with thoughts jumbled in. Whereas in As We Are Now I felt a lot more detached from the author, but more immersed in Caro’s mind and timeline.  

I think that fiction writers are fearful of ‘not getting’ a perspective ‘right.’ Like you said on the first day, I can only imagine is a much better saying than I can not imagine. I find the paradox of writers being afraid to imagine a bit absurd. Yes, if I were to write a story from the position of a Palestinian refugee, I would need to do a hefty amount of research and still would get political points ‘wrong.’ But, I can only imagine where someone else is coming from. I am only able to try to explore another human’s experience of pain and love if I take a risk and envision with words and sensory descriptions in my head and on the page. Writer’s, at Hampshire especially, seem to avoid writing from a purposefully bigoted point of view. How can we learn from other’s mistakes if we can not feel the impression their feet have left in a used pair of shoes? I struggle with this, but am trying actively to let my ego go when developing another’s mind and sense of purpose.

Of course, I have a lot more to learn, but I feel accomplished after comparing my first piece about shoelaces to the last third person I did where Iphis’s wings grow in. I have read so much and learned so much. The most important lesson digested is that I have the ability to create. I can do this. My fleeting goals of fancy as I child, wanting to work at Barnes & Noble, do not appear unfeasable anymore. I will take more creative writing classes and I will write a fiction novel. I believe in myself. The journey is so important and I look forward to the road ahead, even the unbuilt parts. I need to face blank pages head on and not worry over how well a piece will turn out, because if I listen to my thoughts, I will follow a path that will eventually lead somewhere. Goals for writing are not important, content is what matters. The first sentence is the hardest, but I posses stories that deserves to be told. I have characters that want to be heard.

Thank you.

[jeanpatrickc-blog]

Journal 8

 Today is the day of our debate about McDonald’s Restaurant versus Stella Liebeck. This is the case where Liebeck sued McDonald’s for selling coffee that is too hot. The incident was when Liebeck was inside the car. She spilled the coffee on her thighs and genital part, which caused her skin third degree burns. In this debate the groups were divided into three, one is jury, another are the lawyers of McDonald’s and lastly are the lawyers of Miss Liebeck. The debate started out by giving initial information regarding each client. As the debate goes on, the exchange of points between the lawyers from opposing parties started to get heated and more exciting. The lawyers of McDonald’s were pointing out that a product given by the company to the restaurant will be under full responsibility of the buyer. Whatever happens after the sale if the product is mishandled, all injuries are not subject to the company’s misdoing but the handler or the owner. They also pointed out that the brewing temperature suggested by the National Coffee Association is 195 to 205 degrees Fahrenheit, but what they missed out is the ideal serving temperature, which is what we were pointing out.  According to the National Coffee Association, the ideal serving temperature for coffee is around 160 degrees Fahrenheit, which is a lot less hot compared to the brewing temperature. We won the debate because of this exact reason. It is such a wonderful experience to go on a debate considering that the other group had a student who is part of the De La Salle University debate team. They did not lack confidence and conviction, but rather they lacked the proper information to keep us under water. If they would have compared the coffee with how companies sell knives, they would have pushed us to the edge but they were not able to use it against us and for that reason we won. I really find it interesting that Miss Azineth even bothered to include a debate in our curriculum. It is much appreciated because it is a very unorthodox way of teaching us how to defend people of their rights. She gave us an opportunity to apply it in a very practical and ideal manner. I find this part of our course very much satisfying because it is an additional set of knowledge and learning. Being able to engage in a debate with people who have deeper vocabulary and actually winning is such an achievement because we were the underdogs and winning as an underdog is more than just rewarding. I also realized that it is actually fun to defend people and their rights if you are fully informed.

 Journal 9

 Deciding on which one to do first, how to start and when the long list of things to do will ever end are few of the things that a college student may ask himself most of the time. As a college student, committing my time and efforts to other activities other than to my academics has been a big challenge for me. I can say that I did not put so much of my best efforts in my CRSGROVE class for this trimester. Not only do I regret not studying for some of my quizzes and not passing some of my requirements on time, but it also made me realize how much I could have done more for this class. For the many years that I have been studying, I seem to have not found a suitable plan for myself on how to manage my time well with all the requirements of school and other commitments I have to attend to. Although I am having a hard time juggling all these things that I have to do without a plan for myself, I take this as a challenge for me to push harder in getting to know my self and what works for me. With this, I have realized that I maybe given a lot of tasks to do, but it shouldn’t be a reason for me to miss out on other things that I need to do as well. More so, to become successful in life I need to be able to accomplish small opportunities of success in my list to get to the bigger ones. Time management is the key.

 Another learning that CSRGROVE taught me is how to prioritize more important tasks and do these efficiently. Procrastinating and cramming are the habits that I am very much guilty of. I tend to postpone my tasks in exchange of things I think is more convenient and fun at the moment without realizing that I am sacrificing so much of my time instead of getting work done faster. Although I work well when cramming and I have somewhat mastered doing this all the time, I have realized that I shouldn’t cram all my home works and projects all at the same time. One, because the quality of work I am giving when cramming is not the best that I could give. I know I could do better and I am capable of doing more if only I put my time and effort on to it. Two, if I don't procrastinate then I can easily tick off other tasks I need to do from my list and I will not be burdened with managing my time doing all my requirements with a little amount of wasted time left.

 Overall, I can say that more than the lessons and basic concepts I should learn from CSRGROVE, I learned more important things in life that will help me improve myself. After the dreadful week that I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle, I learned how to work hard and be patient. Nothing in life comes easy and all successes come from learning from your own mistakes and accepting changes and struggles in your life whole-heartedly. With this, I have become more challenged to always do my best in everything that I will do and to always strive to be a better version of myself.

  Journal 10

 For today in CSRGOVE my group and I are the reporters for the meeting, we discussed about PDRC, an employee named Ashton and corrupt East African officials. The case is about an employee who was given her first managerial assignment by her manager. She is assigned to seal a contract in East Africa and get a building permit to be able to begin with the construction of the PDRC’s headquarters. She is given a task that will determine whether or not she is the real deal. She accepted the assignment but the problem began we she found out that the norm in East Africa is to bribe the officials in order to get the contract sealed and get a building permit. It is illegal to bribe foreign officials and if she is caught she will be imprisoned and the company she is working for will have to pay millions of dollars to pay as their fine. Our decision was for her to forfeit the assignment and report it to the authorities because we believe that it is the best way to avoid her being jailed and for the company not to pay millions of dollars if caught. We agreed upon this decision because we thought that it is better to give up the assignment because it may lead to a bigger problem in the future. I personally realized that we should have pushed through with the project by asking a local to bribe the government officials because through this, Ashton will not be imprisoned because there will be no evidence that she gave money to the locals. The company will also extinguish the possibility of paying millions of dollars if caught. If she had given money to a local to bribe the officials, it would have been a utilitarian form of action and decision, which will benefit the majority. I personally believe that it is the best way to handle the situation because everybody wins if that happened. Having these thoughts, I realized that not everything illegal is bad and not everything legal is good as well. What matters is the good of the majority. I personally stick to the utilitarian mindset where the greater god should be the priority, unlike the Kantian where it focuses on the individuality of humans. I find the ethics interesting mainly because it opened my mind to different possibilities and it made me a wider and deeper thinker when it comes to decision-making. If I were not able to learn this from Miss Azineth then my knowledge about ethics would be dull and shallow. I believe CSRGOVE is a useful subject not only in school, but also in the real world because it allows you to explore different points of view. I feel like I am more empowered than before because I have gathered more knowledge.