#I personally have to have very specific conditions to be able to focus

[rurinnfane]

Definitely having a Monday over here — my supervisor knew that there would be electricians working on the office building all week this week but determined it wouldn’t be “impactful” enough to justify allowing us to work remotely for more than our one day per week.

Meanwhile the electricity is on but the lights are all out, there are offices that are pitch black (don’t get me started on the bathrooms!!), and there will be electricians working around our space off and on all week.

I guess it’s easy for him to make that call about “impact” when he’s out on a work trip

[ch4bby]

I read two fics some time ago with Tim dancing along with Cass, and omg, it changed me- Because... JUST THINK ABOUT IT-

Tim being a rich kid, with really strict parents but who are flexible enough so that they don't have prejudices regarding very conventional gender roles. And thanks to this, Tim is put in classical ballet classes long enough to be able to wear pointe shoes.

Tim likes it to a certain extent, as the exercises, physical conditioning and muscle elongation help him to be able to follow the bat and bird duo around Gotham. Over time he stops attending classes either due to his parents' influence to focus on some other activity, or because he preferred that time to coordinate patrol routes and get more photos.

By the time he starts being Robin, he no longer attends ballet classes. The training left a small mark on the way he moves as Robin, but nothing too noticeable. He finds it easy to jump really high and is able to land silently and smoothly. He doesn't get dizzy easily thanks to the pirouettes and fouettes his teacher made him practice daily.

Also, training with Dick is easier than when he trains with Bruce, since with Dick there are really similar exercises thanks to the older boy's training in the circus as an acrobat. The elasticity is not comparable between the two, but Tim has enough so that some of Dick's exercises are not so impossible for him.

Cut out when Cass arrives and Tim notices that she likes ballet, and even more surprisingly, she dances ballet! It is thanks to this that Tim manages to find a common point between the two to be able to start a friendship, with Cass being really excited to know that Tim also knew ballet!

They both connect thanks to ballet, Tim, taking advantage of the fact that they were both quite similar in height and complexion (even in face, which still leaves him wondering sometimes if they weren't secret twins?) shares with her his leotards and shoes, at least the training ones. Because although Cass can stand on pointe with amazing ease, Tim prefers to help her go over the basic training to get on pointe. Because literally, those things break feet, and he doesn't want to see his adopted sister go through that (We're talking about Cass, though.)

By the time they've been through about two months of helping Cass go over the basics, and remembering moves she remembered seeing from when she lived in the basement of that Ballet school, she can get up on pointe, and Tim hands her some cute yellow pointe shoes that he got years ago, when Robin colors still drove him crazy. So when Cass wears them, they're flexible and soft, not hard and uncomfortable like the ballet slippers one recently bought.

And Tim, he has his cream pointe shoes to wear, also used and flexible, comfortable like an old toy you haven't used in a while and despite everything, you still know how to play with it.

They both select certain days to practice and dance different pieces of music, Tim occasionally teaching her the classical pieces she doesn't know, or showing her how to dance as a couple. Although for this he takes off his pointe shoes and goes back to his leather slippers.

They keep up this routine even when Damian arrives, and so far the only one who knows what they're doing is Alfred, basically because he's the one who usually does their laundry and tidies up the room they use to dance. Making sure the floor isn't too slippery and the furniture is pushed up against the walls to make room. Every now and then, they both invite him to watch a specific dance they've practiced, like a snippet from Swan Lake, The Nutcracker, or The Rite of Spring.

As more time passes, Cass takes more liberties in the dance and fuses ballet with something more contemporary, while Tim sticks to classical ballet. They keep dancing, but now each one gives a personal touch to each pirouette, pas couru, and movement. They make a temporary bar with pvp pipes, which despite everything, works wonders for them.

Maybe Bruce is the first one to find them, after a particularly tiring day in which he just wants to be alone for a few moments and decides to go to the rooms less used, he hears a classical melody from one of the rooms that supposedly, should be empty. And when he goes to see where the music was coming from and why, he finds his two children playing a fragment of Carmen (Gipsy friends duet) and is more than surprised by the ability not only of Cass, but of Tim! Bruce had no idea that Tim could dance ballet, did he learn it now from Cass? Or is it something he already knew?

Whatever the case, what surprises him the most is the amazing coordination of the two, they seem to be the reflection of each other. And with regret Bruce admits inwardly that if it weren't for the distinction of the clothes and the hairstyle, he would swear that he was seeing double.

[frankingsteinery]

there are many interpretations on just what the “nervous fever, which confined me for several months” that victor experienced was, but i don’t think anyone has yet put forward the idea that it was based on hypochondriasis. (in general i will refer to this source, a practical treatise of hypochondriasis written by john hill in 1766, in regard to just what hypochondriasis is–it’s a very interesting read and i would recommend it!)

hypochondriasis (which now carries a different meaning–i am not referring to hypochondria i.e. abnormal anxiety/fear about one’s health) was a non-specific condition that encompassed many varieties of the “nervous illnesses” of the 18th century. the concept was derived from theories of bodily humors and was once considered a special form of melancholy resulting from an excess of black bile, or alternatively that it was an obstruction in the body caused by high emotion, among many other explanations–but in hypochondriasis, and in the 17-18th century in general, the idea that the health of the mind and the body were inherently linked was HUGE. while it’s not readily definable it was generally seen as the masculine equivalent to hysteria in females, which is thematically important in ways i’ll get into later.

in short, hypochondriasis: 

is caused by grief and/or “fatigue of the mind” i.e. intense, prolonged study or focus on one thing, particularly night studies

those who are educated, studious, isolated, sedate and inactive (not among nature), are more susceptible

typically begins and reoccurs in autumn months

results in self-isolation, depression, a “disrelish of amusements,” wild thoughts or overthinking on one subject, and a sense of oppression in the body

physically, it causes low appetite, heart palpitations, dizziness, confusion, night sweats, emaciation, convulsions, etc

fits of high emotion, excessive exercise, and shock can cause relapses, even months or years after the first event

is said to be cured by mild medicine, but no chemistry; but above all, it is cured by the study of nature, and hypochondriac people should get frequent air and exercise

the parallels to victor are rather blatant. the study of natural philosophy becomes victor’s “sole occupation,” and he describes being “animated by an almost supernatural enthusiasm.” in the treatise, those subject to the disease are said to be those who have “greatly exerted [the mind’s] powers” and have ”determined resolution…intent upon their object [of attention]”. It’s also noted that “whatever tends to the ennobling of the soul has equal share in bringing on this weakness of the body.” 

it is this focus on creating new life, and later, this self-isolation, that results in his “cheek becom[ing] pale with study,” and his “person had become emaciated with confinement” and he “seemed to have lost all soul or sensation but for this one pursuit.” it is to the extent that his eyes become “insensible to the charms of nature” and he neglects correspondence with his friends and family. he becomes “oppressed by a slow fever…and nervous to a most painful degree” and, like those with hypochondriasis, believes that “exercise and amusement would then drive away incipient disease.”

it’s also notable that the height of victor’s illness–directly after the creature’s creation–occurs, like in hypochondriasis, in autumn. during it, he describes many of the physical symptoms attributed to hypochondriasis: weakness, heart palpitations, dizziness, wild thoughts and paranoia, convulsions, etc. it’s only after henry’s care that he is able to recover, and in particular, after viewing a scene of nature:

I remember the first time I became capable of observing outward objects with any kind of pleasure, I perceived that the fallen leaves had disappeared, and that the young buds were shooting forth from the trees that shaded my window. It was a divine spring; and the season contributed greatly to my convalescence. I felt also sentiments of joy and affection revive in my bosom; my gloom disappeared, and in a short time I became as cheerful as before I was attacked by the fatal passion.

throughout the novel, these symptoms will reoccur (relapse) in times of high emotion, shock and stress–justine’s trial, the confrontation at the alps, during the creation of the female creature, etc. overall he meets the marks of hypochondriasis nearly down to a T.

and, returning to the idea that hypochondriasis is essentially the male equivalent of hysteria, which was only attributed to females at the time, this is relevant because frankenstein is a female narrative synthesized through a male narrator. by extension victor also meets many of the marks of hysteria. in general, the creature’s creation feminizes victor: victor remarks that he becomes “as timid as a love-sick girl” during his illness and describes his fever as “painfully nervous” and alternating between “tremor” and “passionate ardour.” during and after the creation process, victor exhibits what was then perceived as “feminine” emotional freedom–anxiety, weakness, self-doubt, fear, etcetera. considering this in-context that 1) victor’s labors allude to mary shelley’s own traumatic experiences with childbirth 2) this was written in a turning point in history where high-class men who had "nervous" senses/feelings were beginning to be seen as effete instead of stylish (they used to be thought fashionable because they were more in-touch with their senses than the lower classes or something to that effect), this all seems very intentional.

now, what do i think victor actually had (since humorism has, obviously, since been disproved)? a 2-for-1 psychotic disorder + whatever concoction of germs he acquired from sticking his hands in corpses for weeks on end combo. but that’s for another day!

[projectionistwrites]

FOR SCIENCE | the project proposal

In which the Moon Knight alter system presents a unique opportunity to settle the nature versus nurture debate, once and for all...

Steven Grant/Marc Spector/Jake Lockley x afab!psychologist!reader (3.2k+)

RATING: EXPLICIT (18+, mdni) WARNINGS: descriptions of mental illness, depictions of DID, fetishization of mental disorders (DID), potentially unethical scientific practices, no smut in this part NOTES: again, please don’t read this if you’re concerned at all with research ethics, as this is NOT a good demonstration of scientific procedures and studies. DISCLAIMER: although i’m incredibly knowledgeable about psychology, i am NOT a professional. all psychoanalyses made throughout the course of this storyline are entirely my own, based on my own interpretations of the characters. in a similar vein, i am also not an expert on DID specifically (although i am well-read on mental disorders and diagnoses), so i apologize for any incorrect terminology or misrepresentation. don’t hesitate to call me out if i say something wrong!

next part →

Marc Spector’s psyche was a psychologist’s wet dream.

Three distinct personalities, completely separated from each other, all occupying the same host body. At one point, all mutually unaware of the others, but now living together in solidarity and (relative) cooperation.

Meeting Marc Spector was a happy accident—but meeting a man with a clearcut case of Dissociative Identity Disorder as a Professor of Psychology? Now that was just pure, dumb luck.

You had met Steven Grant first. You’d run into him at the British Museum during a university-sponsored visit. Your interaction had been brief, but it was memorable for you nonetheless—there was just something about those soft brown eyes and dopey, shy smile that melted your heart.

Imagine your surprise when you accidentally ran into that same man on the bus, only for him to introduce himself as Marc with a midwestern American accent and a cold, calculated gleam in his stare. He was forward and confident—very much unlike your previous encounter with him. When you called his bluff and swore you’d interacted with him under the guise of Steven, he pulled you aside and gently tried to justify the confusion.

“It’s—I have this...condition. It’s—have you ever heard of Dissociative Identity Disorder?”

You had tried hard to fight your smile.

“Yeah, I’m familiar with it.”

It was only revealed to him—after his winded and lengthy explanation—that you had a doctorate degree in clinical psychology and specialized in mental disorders.

Steven’s curiosity was piqued, and Marc silently hoped you’d be able to shed some insight into the functioning of his fragmented mind. You quickly established an easy friendship, somewhat reminiscent of a relationship between a client and therapist—although you knew and cared for each other on a much deeper and more intimate level.

Several months later, you were finally introduced to the most elusive alter within the system—Jake Lockley.

You began to spend the majority of your free time with the men—all three of them seemed to be relatively taken with you. Steven was sweet, Marc was shrewd, and Jake was steadfast. It was sometimes difficult to conceptualize that they all shared the same physical body with how differently they behaved.

It hadn’t started as a project—genuinely, truly, it hadn’t. It wasn’t your intention to be so captivated by those big brown puppy-dog eyes or the softness within his smile. And the feelings you had for him—for all of them—were real, and raw, and indisputable. You would never, ever, ever do anything to make them feel uncomfortable or jeopardize your relationships in any way.

Which is why this was such a bad fucking idea.

Your nails drummed against the side of your porcelain coffee mug as your nervously chewed on the cap of your red pen, making a futile attempt to focus on grading the research report in front of you, but your attention was clearly elsewhere. Your eyes kept darting to the clock on the wall across from you, watching the second hand tick away slowly. The coffee shop was playing gentle soothing acoustic songs, the smell of cinnamon lingering in the air, but even the coziness wasn’t enough to shake your nerves.

“Hey, there, Doc.”

Your head perked at the sound of a familiar voice, a warming hand clapping your shoulder as Marc Spector walked to the other side of the small table and sat down across from you. You groaned at his greeting, pulling your reading glasses from your nose and setting them on the table in front of you.

“Marc, I swear, if you call me that one more time, I’ll—”

He threw his hands up in mock surrender, although he was smirking slyly at you.

“Alright, alright, jeez—what’s got you wound up so tight, huh?”

He reached for the paper on top of the stack in front of you, reading off the title aloud.

“An In-depth Investigation Into the Underlying Psychological Causes of Erectile Dysfunction in Men Under 50.”

His face contorted in a look of disgust.

“Jesus—that’s gotta be the most boring fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard.”

You watched as his eyes fluttered briefly, his posture sinking and his features softening. When his eyes regained focus, he shook his head, huffing.

“Bugger off, Marc—I think it sounds plenty interestin’.”

Steven smiled graciously, offering the packet back to you. You accepted it tiredly, throwing it atop the pile of what seemed like an endless supply of mediocre student submissions that had yet to be graded.

“Thanks, Steven, but Marc’s right—my brain’s fried. I swear, if I have to read another shitty case study about men whose dicks don’t work, I’ll gouge my eyes out.”

The man chuckled at your confession as you shoved the stack of papers into your briefcase clumsily, snapping it shut without a second thought and letting it fall back to the floor beside your table. You carefully picked up your mug and took a long, slow sip—your coffee was barely lukewarm, at this point, as you’d be sitting at the cafe for hours, working quietly as you patiently waited on your friend’s arrival.

Although Steven was blissfully oblivious, Marc was observant. His consciousness pushed to the front, studying you carefully—your white-knuckled grip against your cup, your shifty eyes that were looking everywhere but at him, the tension in your shoulders and nervous bouncing of your leg.

“Alright—what’s wrong?”

Your gaze snapped over to him where he was sat with arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowed in suspicion. You tried to force a smile in an effort to cover up your uncertainty.

“Nothing’s wrong, Marc. Promise.”

You held his gaze intently, trying to convince him with your half-hearted response. His stare didn't waver, and after a few brief moments, you had to look down, overwhelmed with the intensity of his scrutiny.

“Alright, let’s try that again. Y/N—what’s wrong?”

You let a long, exasperated sigh, running a tired hand down your face. This had been weighing on you for a few days, at this point, and you still weren’t sure if you could handle the emotional labor this conversation would require.

“It’s true, nothing’s—nothing’s wrong, per se, I just—I just need to talk to you. I’ve—I have this idea—”

“Like—a work-related, science-y idea? You want Steven? Or—I can try my best to help, but sometimes you get excited and start talking really fast and I can’t keep up, but—”

“No, Marc, it’s not—I mean, it’s not really science-y, but like, also—it kinda is? I don’t know how to explain it, but I really need to—”

“I mean, whatever it is, you seem pretty worried about it, so obviously it’s important, and—and I just wanna make sure we’re giving you whatever response you need, or, at least—”

“Jesus, Marc, if you’d let me finish.”

You clipped, and his jaw snapped shut instantaneously, somewhat taken aback by your outburst. You were normally so controlled, practiced with your expressions, so seeing any sign of emotional imbalance was startling.

Guilt immediately flooded your stomach after you lashed out—you buried your head in your hands, taking a few slow, deliberate breaths in an attempt to quell your rapid heartbeat.

“Shit—sorry, I didn’t mean—this is just... I’m not sure how to go about this.”

You felt the featherlight brush of calloused fingertips against your forearm, coaxing your face away from your palms. When you finally lifted your head, Steven had returned, his eyes soft and reassuring. He pulled your hand into his, squeezing briefly before rubbing his thumb comfortingly across your knuckles.

“S’alright, love, truly. Take as much time as you need, and—and if there’s anythin’ you need from us, it’s yours. Just—whenever you’re ready.”

You tried to ignore the butterflies flitting in your stomach at Steven’s gentle promise. You inhaled once more, before finding his eyes.

“This—I need to talk to all three of you. Can you—are you in a place where you can all be co-conscious?”

Steven’s lips turned up at the corners at your thoughtfulness. He received verbal responses from both Marc and Jake—a confirmation that they were both actively listening.

“’Course. We’re all here. Is—do you have a preference, as to who you’d like to speak with?”

You returned his smile, offering a slight squeeze to his hand.

“I mean—since you’re already fronting, might as well stay, huh?”

Steven blushed, trying to fight the giddiness that came from your validation. He quickly steeled himself, reminding himself that you were struggling to open up to him.

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready, then, yeah?”

You cautiously pulled your hand away from his, mostly to keep yourself grounded and get out what you needed before you second-guessed yourself.

“So.”

You cautiously began.

“I had this—this idea. And it’s—it sounds crazy, and I get that, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, especially because—well, I just feel like this is something that could have damning effects on the entire field of psychology, with both practical and theoretical applications, but—that doesn’t mean—I don’t want you to feel obligated by any means to agree, or—or to feel pressured into anything, and I definitely don’t want you to think that—that I’m using you, because that couldn’t be farther from the truth, I swear, and—”

“Y/N.”

His tone was soft, a quiet interruption from your rambling, and your eyes widened in concern. However, he offered you a reassuring nod.

“Just tell us what it is, yeah? We’ll go from there.”

You nodded slowly, squeezing your eyes shut, before beginning again.

“There’s this huge debate in psychology. It’s pretty much the basis of a lot of our research—the whole nature versus nurture debate. Basically, it’s all about how much of our personalities can be attributed to genetics versus how much can be attributed to our life experiences.”

Steven was listening intently, leaning forward into your words.

“Well, it’s—it’s a concept that’s really difficult to research, because, well, we don’t really have a basis of comparison. The best thing we have to go off of is when identical twins get separated at birth and grow up in different places. Or, at least—that was the best we’ve had up until this point. Does—does that make sense?”

“Yes.”

He assured, nodding in acknowledgement. You only hoped the other two alters were keeping up.

“So, basically what I’m getting at here, is, well—you, and—and all three of you, really—Marc and Jake, you guys provide a really, really unique opportunity, because, well—you share a body. So, physiologically, you’re completely identical. The only thing that’s different about you is who you are, so—your life experiences and memories and things like that. You’re—you’re like the perfect example of how our experiences shape our beings.”

“Right. Right.”

Steven followed your train of thought carefully, brows furrowed. You took a deep breath. This is the part you were dreading.

“So, I had this thought... you three boys are so vastly different from each other. Like, really, really different, and—and you each have your own preferences, things like that, but—but you still have the same body. In my Abnormal Psych course, we’re studying intimacy and desire right now. So—so what I was wondering was about your—your sexuality. Like, to what extent are your sexual preferences due to your biology rather than your cognition.”

Steven blew out a shaky exhale, though he tried not to appear perturbed by your words. His mind was silent—he could feel the intense focus from his alters, now hanging on your every word.

“What if there was a way, to, you know, test, how different your sexual preferences are? And to test and see how your arousal is different, or the same, based on locations of stimulation and things like that?”

Bloody fucking hell.

In a split second, Marc was fronting, Steven slipping back into the headspace, completely overwhelmed and unsure of what to say or how to react. You noticed the abrupt switch, and after recovering from the brief whiplash, you felt panic spur within you. You’d scared him away.

Marc’s brows were furrowed, like he wasn’t completely picking up what you were putting down.

“So, what exactly are you suggesting?”

You closed your eyes.

“I guess—what I’m suggesting is that you—you help me research. You—you let me study you, each of you, independently, to see—to see how different your sexual behaviors and preferences are.”

“Like—like a questionnaire, or something?”

Marc questioned, but when you shook your head, eyes casting downwards, it suddenly dawned on him. Steven’s departure made sense. Everything made sense.

“So... so lemme get this straight.”

Marc made a stopping motion with his hand, gesturing for you to pause.

“You—want to have sex, with me—with us... for science?”

“Well, I mean, it—it doesn’t necessarily have to be with me, I could—we could find someone else, if you’re more comfortable, and—and I could just observe, or—”

“So you’re a voyeur, now?”

You jolted and Marc’s vulgarity, eyes quickly scanning your surroundings to make sure no one was listening in on your conversation. Luckily, the cafe was relatively deserted at that point.

“No! No, that’s not—I’m just saying, with what I’m suggesting, it—it would make the most sense for the researcher to—to be more hands-on, but that’s...”

Your voice trailed off, staring at a speck of grime on the table, trying to calm the rapid racing of your heart.

Yeah, seems she's interested in being real hands-on, huh?

Marc struggled to hold in his snickering at Jake’s internal dialogue, but after seeing the worry that was clinging to your features, his sympathy prevailed.

“Y/N.”

He spoke calmly, cool and collected. Your eyes flitted to his, where he was watching you intently. However, you could see the ghost of a smirk on his face.

“So what you’re saying is... you want to have sex, with me, for science.”

He reiterated, and you opened your mouth to protest, to defend your credibility, to rationalize your bizarre proposition, but instead, a long sigh escaped you as you admitted defeat.

“Yes. Yeah. That’s…exactly what I’m saying.”

A brief silence stagnated between you, and there was a tightness forming in your chest as every worst-case-scenario began coming to fruition in the forefront of your mind.

“I’m—I’m so sorry, Marc, I didn’t mean to overstep, or—or—”

“What, exactly, would this entail?”

Marc inquired, unable to deny his curiosity. You blinked once, then twice, processing his words.

“So—so you’ll do it?”

He held up his hands as if to tell you to slow down.

“Just—hang on. Hypothetically speaking, what—what would this even look like?”

Excitement zipped up your skin as you reached down into your briefcase, pulling out a manila folder full of several sheets of scribbled ideas and disorganized thoughts.

“Well, see, I’ve been brainstorming—”

Christ, she has the whole thing planned.

Steven’s voice sounded faint, breathless, winded. Marc ignored him, instead focusing in on your sudden enthusiasm.

“—and I came up with a research plan. So, the way it would go—we’d meet for the weekend, three weekends in a row, with a week break in between. Each alter will have their own weekend to be the subject of study. Day one, we—well, you would lead the sexual encounter. Do what you want, showcase what sex usually looks like for you, what you like, what you don’t like—”

Marc's mind was reeling. He shamelessly attempted to ignore the effect your words were having on him. Do what you want. What you like. To you.

You were still talking.

“—and then the second day, you’d let me take the reins. I’ll psychoanalyze your behavior from the first day, and synthesize that with all the information I already have about you, and I’ll try to—well, I don’t wanna say push your buttons, but—basically, as shitty as it sounds, I’d be trying to bring to light any vulnerabilities, prod at the soft spots, stuff like that. Try to see if I can find what it is each of you seeks out through sexual intimacy. Does that make sense?”

Marc shook his head, lost in thought, but he blinked away the fog in his mind and quickly corrected himself with a nod.

“Yeah, I mean—I think so? Would this—what would you do, once it’s over? Like, what’s the point?”

“It would never be published, or shared with anyone else, I can promise you that. It’s—it would mostly be for me. Kind of like a passion project, I guess. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, and, well...”

Passion project?

What’s she mean, ‘she’s been thinkin’ about it for awhile?’

Marc almost shushed the voices in his head aloud, trying to clear his head of static so he could properly take all of this in.

He looked up at you, and you were staring up at him with eye round and hopeful, almost reverent as they passed over him. He blew out a slow breath.

“Do... can we have time to think about it? To talk about it?”

The fuck do you mean, jefe? I’m ready to start right now.

You nodded encouragingly, although Marc caught the brief glimmer of disappointment in your eyes.

“Of course, Marc. Take as long as you need. And—please don’t feel obligated to say yes. I mean it. I know—I know this kind of came out of left field, and—and I don’t want to violate any boundaries, or—or jeopardize our friendship in any way, I would never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, just—”

You stalled your tangent with a slow breath.

“Just let me know, okay?”

Marc nodded at you, smiling softly and contemplatively as he rose from the table and exited the coffeeshop, leaving you to stew in anticipation and something adjacent to remorse.

The call came in the next day, at 11am on the dot. It was Steven on the other line when you answered, walking out of the lecture hall doors as your class adjourned.

“Hello?”

You answered.

“Mornin’, Y/N. It’s, uh—It’s Steven.”

You giggled.

“I know, Steven. I have caller ID, and believe it or not, your accent is kind of distinct.”

You could practically hear him blush on the other end.

“Right. Yeah. Well, I just—I was callin’ to, uh—Christ, of course they made me do this, I can’t even—”

“Steven.”

You interrupted gently, your calmness soothing his nerves to some degree. He took a breath.

“Sorry. I—We talked it over. The whole—your experiment. And—and I think we’re all up for it.”

You froze in your tracks, students continuing to rush around on either side of you in the hallway. Your hand was shaking.

“I—really? Are you sure?”

“Well, no—I mean, yeah, I just—of course, I’ve got some reservations, but, I mean—it’s for science, yeah?"

A smile was creeping up your face.

“Yeah. Yes. For—for research purposes.”

Yeah, solely research purposes, my ass.

Marc quipped internally, and Steven gulped.

“Right, then. Could we—shall we meet again today, or—whenever, to talk it over a bit more?”

You nodded before realizing he couldn’t see you.

“That’d be perfect. We can meet same time, same place as yesterday?”

He gave a hum of agreement, and you felt suddenly breathless as the reality of the situation began to set in.

“Right. I’ll—I’ll see you then, okay, Steven?”

“Yeah, ‘lright, cheers.”

“And, Steven?”

You called quickly, hoping to catch him before he ended the call.

He hummed in response. You smiled.

“Thank you. Really, thank you.”

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

Simon knows Baz is the love of his life by 19. He escalates so fucking fast even before realizing he wants Baz (progressively touching him more and more after the truce) (quickly asking to be boyfriends after kissing him, who cares about all the years being conditioned to see him as An Enemy!!). And yeah, he has always just wanted a family… so no way he’s going to be even half a decade with Baz without wanting marriage popping up – the idea itself is already out there in SFC (“we could be married with children”) and Simon escalates quickly…

Unfortunately I’m posting because I have some comphet thoughts here (I can focus on the not fun part since I took that “Simon is probably already married by 26” “how would proposing go” tweets as Word Of God confirming snowbaz is married lol) (always feel like I’m getting jump scared when the relationship with Agatha is mentioned in a snowbaz moment such as this so I cope by analyzing, what can I say)

Comphet for Simon is very specifically about craving for a home and a family (security and stability, belonging). He matches Baz there in a way too, as comphet for Baz is also about family… because for Baz is about heirs. However, Baz is the only one who’s ever thinking “having heirs implies having sex with a girl and getting her pregnant,” and because he thinks he can identify that even the idea makes him feel sick, that he doesn���t want that, that it would be miserable for him and that girl, and so he’s able to walk away when an opportunity to be with a girl presents itself.... but a big part of that it's not just thinking and processing (overthinking by itself won't save you from the crushing weight of societal expectations) but rather... Baz has a family. The expectation of having a traditional family is caging for Baz, but having a family who loves him provides him with the confidence, strength, and security necessary to be able to resist pressure, even if that pressure is coming from his own family. Without Daphne, who softens Malcolm, and his siblings in his life, would he have that? Or would he have been more like Simon, who's exposed and neglected to such extremes he will do anything – no matter how wrong or uncomfortable – just to not feel that way anymore?

Simon defines the entirety of his relationship with Agatha as just going through the motions – neither is thinking outside of the need to belong and conform to expectations. They’re not processing their shit – Agatha breaks things off as soon as she starts to… and she’s direct in her thoughts because she is starting to process, and Simon gives things away indirectly isn’t because he’s not processing unless there's a trigger (such as wanting Baz to understand him more, even if he himself hasn't figured things out yet, or Baz expressing he believes Simon truly wanted Agatha romantically or sexually, which feels wrong for Simon because it wasn't true). Comphet tells a boy like Simon that the only way to get a family is "to settle down with a nice girl." He literally doesn't think there's any choice – that's the only path forward. Believing in the HEA is not about believing he could be happy with Agatha ("that's where my life will begin," he says, giving away that he hasn't been happy dating Agatha, nor does he even think he's living while being with her) (which is nothing personal but rather "that's how dating someone who's wrong for you/comphet feels like" and "that's how it feels like for Simon to be in love and attracted to Baz but to be with someone else because he's not able to figure that out"... it's miserable). Using the HEA as comfort, even though his true belief is that he's going to die before it ever got to that, is about believing "I can have a family"... even if he can't visualize how he wants that family to look like (outside of fantasies about his parents) because he doesn't think. And that's key, I think.

Simon is not thinking so he's not really visualizing. There are some logical conclusions to going through the motions such as "what job will I get and what house, will the doc help" which is more about housing and "how will I sustain myself, supposing I live, which I doubt anyway" which aligns with how Simon is just surviving. But Simon is not ever thinking about Agatha having his children – he never thinks about Agatha sexually, never. We have Baz's exact body proportions and you wouldn't know what size or shape to draw Agatha's breasts with Simon's POV (who supposedly "likes women because he's not mad about big breasts meaning he's a boob person" according to some – I for one call that confirmation bias and see the entire boob affair as proof he doesn't) "Previous sexual partners" gender neutral and plural makes it harder for you to associate the idea of sex with Agatha, doesn't it. It probably distracted you, even. The guy tellingly covers himself, doesn't want to be left in a room with her alone while half-naked, and self-harms through talking about having sex with her – that shit is on purpose. All of this is to say: Simon is not thinking what Baz thinks (which is part of why he does it, even though he doesn't want to).

Simon wants a family, but he's not thinking about Agatha having his children. Everyone and their moms assume "I'm gonna marry that person" automatically means "I'm gonna have children with them as well," and that's part of comphet here, but Simon doesn't process. Neither does Agatha (part of why they dated). You gotta remember how young they are too (how a kid's idea of marriage is – how much copying what they see without processing is involved as they don't have the tools to know shit – compared to a grown-up.)

"Simon was set to marry Agatha because he wanted to believe he could have a family" is not in contradiction with "but he didn't really it was going to happen as he would kick the bucket soon." And in practice? I think Simon being with Agatha because he wants a family wasn't really about building a family with her, but rather, about being a part of the family she already has. When Simon shares why he wants to date Agatha, he's projecting things onto her (like being protected, untouched) and sharing not that he wanted her, but that he wanted to be like her. When he shares everything he loves about going to Agatha's house, he mentions the nice comfortable house (the tv!) and the adults in it, and Agatha is glaringly missing from that list. It's not ever "love to spend time with good ol' Agatha" but we do get "Agatha" and "trapped in that house together" in the same sentence. Agatha the friend might be family like Penny (in a page where we should be hearing why he doesn't want to lose her as a girlfriend, he goes on and on about how said it would be if they're no longer friends) but Agatha the girlfriend is more of a door or a "device." When they break up, the list of things Simon gives to explain why that upsets him includes Agatha's parents, but not Agatha herself.

Through dating Agatha, Simon was trying to feel part of a family... but not because he ever had any intention of building something with her. But because Simon wanted to feel like a son. You assume kids come with marriage, but in the marriage-parents-children circle, Simon always wanted to be in the role of the child. It's never been about being a parent with Agatha, but about being a son. It's part of why it feels so triggering when Penny's mom seems to be rejecting him (and so he can't spend Christmas in her house).

It's part of why Simon's reaction to "we could be married with kids" "could we?" – that italicized could giving the impression this is a new idea, perhaps something to be questioned as "is it possible?" ... I don't think this is about "can gay men have this?".... I think this is Simon's first time looking at marriage like "a grown-up." Considering marriage and children while fully conscious he would be in the role of married father, and not the child. And Simon wants to build something with Baz. Simon never thought of the future outside of comforting himself with the idea that he could have a family (any family) so his "inevitable death" doesn't feel paralyzingly sad (which also tells you he didn't truly see Agatha as his future – there was none – even if admitting that would have been difficult then...).

Simon never thinks about building something... until he's with Baz. Realizing that Baz is the love of all his lives, and that a future without Baz is unbearable, and that he wants him in his bed every night, and that he enjoys the domesticity of furnishing a house with him.... it inevitably leads to "Baz is my home and my future" and what's "figuring it out he wants to get married" after that?

[acesw]

Reverse: 1999 : Neurodivergent Characters

I want to put my official disclaimer here that I'm not diagnosed with any sort of condition. I've taken time to do my research and take insights from my friends who are indeed diagnosed or well-versed in these subjects. So, I will try to be respectful as much as possible.

This is essentially a part 2 of the disabled characters series (which I highly encourage reading first!), but this will mainly focus on Reverse: 1999's characters who are implied to be neurodivergent. The term applies to a variety of conditions, and I found that the parallels mainly draw to autism. Because of this, over half the characters on this list fall under it.

I found that it is easier put out those characters first, and then place down the rest of the neurodivergent characters afterwards. Additionally, this is mainly focused on finding implications, but these are partially headcanons too. And also I apologize for the heavy word vomit that you'll have to endure. Now, lets begin.

Autism

37, Horropedia - The reason why I put 37 and Horropedia on the same line here is because they're incredibly similar to each other. Both of them are characters that embody one of the main stereotypes about autism: Incredibly intelligent characters who fixate on specific subjects. 37's focus is on mathematics, while Horropedia's is the horror genre.

They lace their speech with associations to their topic of interest, and will infodump about it unprompted. The two of them also struggle to pick up social cues, nor can tell if the information they're sharing is unsolicited because the information is normal to themselves. However, the difference between them in this is that Horropedia is more carefree about it, whilst 37 is more self-aware about the fact that she can't come to a mutual understanding with others.

Even outside of this their personalities are quite similar, arrogant yet kind and understanding.

Balloon Party - I explained this previously, but the main reasoning behind placing BP here is that her way of speech is unconventional. Her way of speech is slightly slow and having abnormal pauses, and it tends to be perceived as monotone and having a lack of control.

Like 37 and Horropedia, Balloon Party also tends to utilize her topic of interest (balloons and dreams) as a means of conveying her thoughts through word association and echolalia. She also struggles to catch on to social cues and (over?)compensates by association. (e.g. her praise voiceline describes Vertin being a great "party partner" and the "best kid and adult" despite not being able to exactly define the differences of a kid and adult.)

ADHD

Regulus - With Regulus, it's more of a headcanon than it is backed by evidence, but the main points that can be found for her is her restlessness and her impulsivity. They're common stereotypes in ADHD, and thus they aren't exactly conclusive. But I also found that Regulus also tends to bring her interests to light when navigating through conversations, and this with the reasons mentioned above makes me personally believe that Regulus not just strictly have ADHD, but also generally neurodivergent too.

Marcus - At first I believed that Marcus was autistic based on how she retreats back to reading as a means to calm herself, but the more I learn about her the more I believe that Marcus rather has the inattentive type of ADHD.

Firstly, Marcus heavily relies on having someone to guide them or support her, as she tends to struggle making decisions on her own. And in attempting to, she tends to overthink and get absorbed into it until something or someone snaps her out of her train of thought.

She also tends to take rejection very deeply, as rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) is a common but not definitive part of ADHD. She would resort to immediately coming up with ways to resolve the sources of her being rejected.

Lastly, she also has her impulses. This shows more prominently when she's upset or makes a significant decision. Its mainly shown when she decides to leave the Flannan Isles to the Foundation, to when she tries to fight Heinrich herself when she's enraged, and when reaching out to Kakania upon realizing a solution to her mission.

Eagle (1.9 Spoilers!) - Here, Eagle also seems to have the inattentive type as well, but a more established indicator of her likely having ADHD is that in her anecdote, Eagle was classified as having some sort of attention-deficit.

And throughout the anecdote, Eagle continues acting on her own impulses such as jumping to try to find the missing boy scout, and even helping X if it meant that it progressed her mission. She also doesn't take her rejections from the boy scouts well, and continued to try to join them until she was invited to join the Lorentz.

While these alone aren't conclusive either, they still give me enough reason to believe that Eagle could be implied to be neurodivergent too.

Others

Mesmer Jr. (OCD) - I've already described it in the previous post too, but I will condense it down here. As a result of her traumatic experiences in her line of work, Mesmer Jr. has anxiety, has routines that she strictly follows, and tends to do drastic actions (i.e. self harm) when triggered from stressing situations like routines being disrupted.

Pickles - While I'm not exactly sure if there is any evidence about Pickles being neurodivergent at all, @abyss-idiot pointed out that he was nicknamed as an "indigo pup." While this might be related to his arcane skill, the nickname is also intriguing because its like the term "indigo children."

"Indigo children" are classified as those who are incredibly intelligent and possess special talents or powers according to the New Age concept. However, this classification is closely associated with neurodivergence due to the similar descriptions.

Vertin, AliEn T (AuDHD) - Mentioning Vertin and AliEn T in the same line seem to be incredibly out of place. But from the insights of my friend Bee, it made me realize that the two of them have some commonly shared traits. This will be the longest one so buckle up.

For one, both of them feel their emotions more greatly than others, and the main difference being how it's translated into external reaction. We have AliEn T being noted to be very emotional, while Vertin is a lot more stoic but will be direct with how she feels in some cases like stress.

Another point is that both of them have executive dysfunction, where AliEn T cannot do "simple" tasks and struggles with them. Meanwhile this was more prominent on Vertin as a child where she had difficulty focusing in school and doing more mundane tasks. I also think that Vertin still struggles with this in the present, but has a support system that allows her to work more efficiently.

They also have certain interests that give them an emotional anchor. Where AliEn T's is the general subject of the earth and human society, while Vertin is more focused on wildlife. (i.e. frogs)

Here is where their common points diverge, and I want to talk about both of them separately here.

Starting with Vertin, most of the "obvious" signs are present in her childhood, where she is mainly restless and blunt towards most situations, and has gotten punished often for both of these things. While currently, her main indicators are her tactile tendencies (i.e. tends to touch others out of curiosity) and being absorbed into her thoughts quite often.

On the other hand, we're not entirely sure about how AliEn T's home society is structured, but it can be argued that his and our societies tend to parallel each other. For example, AliEn T is seen as a bit eccentric to his kind like the regional manager and co-workers because of him being emotionally prone and being very fixated on the Earth. (which his society collectively avoids) A lot of his points here imply that in his home society, there is a case where they have their equivalent of some of the struggles found in the neurodivergent experience.

End Notes and Credits

I did say that I would give credit where its due, so this portion is dedicated to that. I want to give thanks to Lupjo, Jager, Bee, and Send Help, and Abyss for their insights and research on this topic. (Especially Lupjo and Jager for providing help with phrasing this entire word vomit still)

Like I've said previously, not everything here is conclusive and these can be speculation or some sort of interpretation. However, every experience is different, and I think these characters here openly show that. Welcome to the bottom of this post, feel free to add your own insights, corrections, and even your own headcanons here. Thanks for reading.

[acourtofthought]

Hello! Recently I've been watching a lot of acotar discussions and as I'm from the Gwynriel and Elucien fandom I'd like to know your thoughts on it. I saw a girl on the other side of the fandom saying that canonically Amren had suggested that Elain leave the house and get some fresh air before Lucien. She also cites scenes in which Elain was present in the sunlight but was still depressed and that what really helped her to start to improve her condition was when Azriel said that she was a seer. I would really love to know your thoughts on this. And I also wanted to ask what you think about when Madja says that only a mate could say what Elain had and it is Azriel who says that she was a seer.

In canon, Elain's condition began improving after Lucien's arrival and after Lucien demanded they get her out of the house. Was she fully healed? Of course not. She's not even fully healed now but the change was noticeable (more on this below).

Amren did make the suggestion for both sisters but it was Lucien who began losing his temper because it seemed Nesta and Feyre weren't taking his suggestion seriously. It was Lucien's insistence that triggered Feyre to take action, not Amren's, and Amren seemed more focus on getting the sisters to help them rather than Elain's mental health.

Amren page 171:

Lucien page 252 (almost 100 pages later, he also wasn't present for Amren's comment) :

Only one of these scenarios shows true, targeted concern for Elain, very specific requests related to Elain (he even mentioned the sea and we later learn their estate in the human lands was by the sea). To the point that he was personally affected by Feyre and Nesta making light of his suggestion, indicating he knew how important it was to Elain's well being. And only one of these characters is Elain's mate who just truly met her for the first time yet he was able to achieve the desired outcome that a 15,000 being did not. That her own sisters didn't even think of.

Side note, if we're putting weight on the things Amren said then it should be also noted how she was the one who had to reprimand Az for not believing in Elain. And Madja even said there was nothing wrong with Elain, which is true. Elain's powers were a riddle to solve but they aren't something to fix. Not like her catatonic state was (a state we could say Az drew straws to avoid). Her specific words were:

"The ancient healer jerked her chin toward Lucien. “See what he can do. If anyone can sense if something is amiss, it’s a mate.”

Lucien barely had time to sit with Elain before Nesta pulled her rage act but even if he'd been with her longer, he wouldn't have found anything "amiss" outside of her sadness of what happened.

Her powers are simply powers, something she only had for a few weeks, they aren't a link to her soul. Az simply knew the name for them, as he would have known the name for anyone with those same powers, it doesn't mean he knows Elain as an individual.

Back to Elain's state, before Lucien's arrival in the HOW she was not eating, drinking or sleeping. She would not leave her room and she spent her days crying.

Within two days of Lucien's arrival she left her room for the first time though the sisters "couldn't figure out why". And she just happened to choose the room where Lucien just happened to be visiting though he was actually ordered not to after Elain just happened to begin having her visions for the first time.

(sounds like our Seer knew where her mate would be going!).

After Lucien demanded they get her outside, she began sleeping and drinking, two things she hadn't done before his suggestion. She also stopped crying all the time.

Again, that was after page 252 and beyond. Az claimed she was a Seer on page 334. And this is actually how that went:

Elain didn't even trust what Az was telling her, she had to confirm it with Mor. And after she confirmed it with Mor, Mor was the one who first fought for her vision while Az thought it was better to do nothing with it, choosing not to go after what she was seeing:

And it was Lucien who volunteered in Elain's place:

Az gave name to Elain's powers but it was Mor and Lucien who actually believed in her and what she was telling them. Elain did start baking after that but for someone who felt like nobody ever saw her, my guess is it was Mor and Lucien's confidence in the information she provided that made the difference, not Az labeling what her gift was then choosing to ignore the help she offered to the IC.

[drdemonprince]

perhaps i'm being very autistic about this, but trying to figure out where i can contribute my time and energy is so hard because there's so many actually important issues. actually important ones. spreading yourself thin isn't helpful, but even if you tune out the roar of people demanding that you care about every last thing, the tug on my heart is still strong. probably another lie capitalism has pounded deep into our minds, that we have to do it *all* even. even knowing that many of these issues are inter-related, and doing the things you *can* is what's important and contribute to unraveling the greater fabric of bad shit. how on earth do you find that spot though? where you don't go mad going in mental circles about what you're *not* doing? idk i can't be alone in this?

I have an instagram post about this with regard to donating to Gazan fundraisers that you can read here.

Here's my take: when we get swept up in not being able to "do it all" or freeze up with complete inability to choose any cause to work toward because we can't decide which one is the most worthy, we are operating out of a highly individualistic framework that positions the self as the agent of change.

It might not feel like it is a self-centered perspective, but it's exactly the kind of isolated, self-as-savior, systems-ignoring outlook that a culture of capitalism and rampant Christian moral Puritanism conditions us to adopt (even if you're not Christian). I have a whole book about this btw.

I have felt overwhelmed with my inability to "help everyone" or address every cause before, and frankly the solution was to get over myself and realize that I have a very limited ability to make a difference and that simply doing my part is my only duty, not doing it "all". I have to trust that I am but one small, relatively insignificant human and that I am surrounded by literally millions of other humans who care and will pick up their small part of the work as well.

it doesn't matter that i select the absolute optimal ideal cause or place into which to put my energy, because frankly i am not important. i just need to show up and pick up some work. there will be plenty of work left for the next person to pick up.

It was absurd main character energy to expect myself to do everything or to be able to "save" people. And yet that was exactly the kind of moral burden I was putting on myself for a very long time. And it led to overcommitment followed by burnout, spreading myself thin, and most crucially failing to make any my efforts part of the work of an enduring, tightly knit COMMUNITY.

A focus on individual effort makes us neurotic, alienated, self-focused, lonely, confused, conflicted, and forever putting our energies into initiatives of limited value with limited potential for payoff. instead, choosing one little lane to do our own bit of work in -- literally ANY lane, so long as it is accessible and motivating to us and plays to our strengths -- will mean that we are actually making a difference consistently and connecting to others who are taking part in the work too.

we must do this work not to morally purify ourselves, which is not possible, but because we see something worth doing and we decide to get up and do it. the arena in which you choose to make a difference can be literally anything from donating to people's gofundmes to sharing other people's fundraisers to feeding your neighbors to blowing up a pipeline. it literally does not matter which particular choice you, specifically, make, only that you do something and keep at it at the pace that is sustainable for you. and trust that literally millions of other people are all around you doing their tiny tiny part too.

[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

The beginner autistic guide to common terms in our community (with extra context!).

*Disclaimer, I’m not a professional. This is just knowledge from my experience as an autistic person. Please feel free to correct anything :)

These definitions will include some of my own opinions and thoughts, especially on the more controversial terms. This is simply to help better prepare new autistic community members for conversations they become engaged in. Having all the perspective and context you can have can be very helpful when moving into new social spaces.

Autism (Or Autistic Spectrum Disorder, ASD): A neurodevelopmental disorder that is present from very early childhood. It’s mostly recognised through difficulties with social interaction and restricted and/or repetitive behaviours. The way it is referred to as “Autism Spectrum Disorder” is specifically referring to the fact that autism presents in countless ways. There are common traits and patterns, but the severity and complexity of those traits and symptoms is infinite.

NOTE: This does not mean that ‘everyone is a little bit autistic’. You are either autistic or you are not. It just means that if you have autism, it may present very differently to other autistic people you know.

Asperger’s Syndrome: Asperger’s syndrome is usually considered an older term for a ‘subtype’ of autism. The term is considered outdated by the DSM-5 and no longer used in that document. However it is still used in a lot of other countries. Now it is becoming more socially known that ‘Asperger’s syndrome’ is just a specific presentation of autism. Many autistics don’t like the use of the word ‘Asperger’s’ because of a couple reasons:

The term has a long history with NAZI’s and eugenics.

The term seems to basically mean ‘high functioning’ autistic, which simplifies the condition.

Asperger’s Syndrome is defined in a very similar way to autism, however people with “Asperger’s’ may be described as ‘gifted’ or ‘intellectual’.

It’s important to note that many people still identify themselves with the term ‘Asperger’s’. While it is good to be educated and up to date with terminology, some people have identified with this term their whole life and it’s not wrong to use the term for one-self. But either way, I do encourage you to do more research if you are comfortable.

Neurotype: Can be basically defined as the type of brain function one has. Some people consider autism a neurotype, and then neurotypical as another neurotype. However, many people claim that autism is ‘just another neurotype’. This is a harmful way of thinking about autism because autism is a disability. Labelling it as a ‘neurotype’ belittles all the struggles autistic people have that make them disabled. Autism is a spectrum and so some autistic people may not really consider themselves disabled, but many do.

Neurotypical (NT): A non-autistic person with no other mental conditions.

Allistic: A non-autistic person who can still have other mental conditions, such as depression or ADHD.

Neurodivergent (ND): Traditionally ‘Neurodivergent’ has been used to mean either autistic or ADHD. However in some contexts it is used to mean someone with any mental condition, including personality disorders or mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety.

Neurodiversity: a term used to describe the fact that there are many neurotypes in the world. It is used to imply that differences in brain development and function should be accepted as relatively normal. I think this is a good sentiment, but that some neurotypes should still be considered disabilities as well as a neurotype, so as not to diminish the struggles specific neurotypes go through.

High functioning/Low functioning: The labels of functioning are terms used to describe how independent an autistic (or other kind of disabled) person is able to be. Many autistics do NOT like the use of these terms for a couple reasons:

It tends to focus on the way an autistics disability affects the allistic people around them.

It simplifies the experience of the individual with autism to how independent they are, and is also not very descriptive for anyone trying to help the said autistic person.

High needs/Low needs: These are labels used to describe how much assistance an autistic (or other kind of disabled) person may need. It is slightly preferred by autistic people as the language is more centred to what the autistic person needs, rather than how independent they can be.

NOTE, many autistic people would argue that these terms are basically the same as high functioning and low functioning. I personally consider it to be best to just state someones highest needs or difficulties. For example “Olivia is nonverbal and highly sensitive to light and noise.”.

Masking: Masking is the act of hiding ones autistic traits to appear to be neurotypical. Masking is often a survival strategy developed by autistics to evade bullying or isolation. Masking can include suppressing the urge to stim, forcing oneself to make eye contact, learning how to ‘properly’ execute facial expressions, studying body language, etc. Masking can be an extremely vital skill for autistic people, but when an autistic person has to mask for long periods of time it can lead to negative consequences such as burn out or meltdowns. Masking can also be used in the context of other disabilities, such as ADHD.

Scripting: Scripting is a form of masking, when an autistic person pre-plans or practices responses or entire conversations. You may have a script you unconsciously follow for questions like “how are you?” Or “how is work?”, etc. It may be inspired from TV shows, movies or observing other people interact.

Burn out: Burn out is when an autistic person reaches their limit and has decreased energy for an extended period of time. Burn out may last anywhere between a couple days or a few years. Burn out is often caused by excessive masking, but can also be caused by repeated rejection, bullying or other mental conditions. Burn out is not the same as depression, but it can co-exist with depression.

Meltdown: A meltdown is when an autistic person experiences what might look like a ‘tantrum’. The person may be very angry, yelling, punching or hitting things (or themselves). They may be aggressively stimming or humming to themselves. A meltdown, internally, feels as if you are completely filled with negative energy, as if you might burst. It can feel like extreme irritation, or anger, or shame. Meltdowns can be caused by any number of stressful situations. For an autistic person this can be having a lot of social events, their routine being disrupted, having to eat foods they don’t like, being overstimulated, or even just negative social interactions.

Shutdown: A shutdown is very similar to a meltdown, in how it can be caused. For me personally, I tend to have a shutdown if I am not in a safe place to have a meltdown. From the outside it looks very similar to dissociation, and it can co-exist with dissociation. It typically feels like you are shutting down, turning off. You emotions were about to burst and then you just went numb. You may be unable to move, or go non-verbal. You may be crying quietly or you may simply just very suddenly feel the need to go home.

NOTE: Meltdowns and shutdowns can appear to feel like a panic attack, but they are different. Panic attacks come from intense feelings of dread or doom. Meltdowns and shutdowns come from repeated, or intense, stressful situations for an autistic.

Hypersensitive: Hypersensitivity is when the brain processes sensory input (such as touch, taste and smell) as much more intense than a neurotypical person would. This can mean that a slight cold breeze may feel painfully cold. Or looking outside a window can hurt ones eyes because it feels too bright. Or having to wear specific textures to stay calm.

Hyposensitive: Hyposensitivity is the opposite of hypersensitivity. It is when your brain inteprets sensory input as much less intense than a neurotypical would. Ways this can present in an autistic person include not realising when they hurt themselves, having a high pain tolerance, being unaware of temperature changes, etc. You may also not recognise your bodies hunger cues, dehydration or need for sleep.

NOTE: An autistic person can experience both hypersensitivity and hyposensitivity. It can also fluctuate day-to-day.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD): SPD is basically the term for experiencing lots of variation in your sensory input. It is similar to Auditory processing disorder. Which is where your hearing is technically fine (you aren’t any form of deaf), but you have trouble distinguishing what specific sounds are, or listening to one, important sound, in an area with lots of different noises (for example, being unable to understand what someone is saying next to you, because the TV is on.)

Overstimulation: This is when an autistic person has been experiencing too many different sensations at once, or for an extended period of time. This may be caused by too many noises happening at once. Or even just one annoying sound repeating for a long time. It can also be triggered by touch, taste, sight and smell.

Executive function/dysfunction: Executive function is the term used to describe how the brain initiates tasks. For neurodivergent folk, our executive function is often dysfunctional. This means we can often find it difficult to start new tasks. A way you may experience it is when you are sitting down, you may be screaming internally that you need to go and get some food, but your body seems unwilling to co-operate. Having executive dysfunction does not mean you are lazy, or do not want to do the task, it means you may be unable  to do the task.

Autistic intertia: Autistic inertia is related to executive dysfunction, because it is a term that helps describe how autistic people struggle to switch or initiate tasks. “ An autistic at rest remains at rest, and an autistic in motion remains in motion”.

Special interest/Hyperfixation: A special interest is a extremely long term interest/obsession with a particular topic. An example might be being really into pokemon. Learning all the different types of pokemon, playing all the games and collecting heaps of merch. A hyperfixation is a more short-lived interest that can be destructive in it’s severity (for example, it might get so extreme that it’s the only thing you can think about, to the point where you neglect your needs). Special interests are less likely to be destructive. But hyperfixations can be healthy and normal too.

Stimming: Stimming or self stimulation is the act of doing repetitive movements to help self regulate. Stimming can look like spinning, chewing, flapping hands, dancing, foot tapping, pen clicking, touch soft fabrics, using weighted blankets, lighting candles, eating crunchy snacks, etc. All of these forms of movement or repetitive sensory input can help us regulate our emotions better, prevent a meltdown or shutdown, or focus on a task easier.

NOTE: Echolalia is another term you may hear. It is a form of stimming in which an autistic person repeats sounds/phrases over and over.

ADHD: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a neurodevelopmental disorder like autism, but it affects the brain in different ways. It often presents as having difficulties with paying attention, regulating emotions and hyperactivity (or, alternatively, it can present as being inattentive).

Savant or Savant syndrome: A condition when someone with some type of significant mental disability is an expert/’savant’ in a particular field, to the point of surpassing neurotypical experts. An example might be having photographic memory, or being able to learn languages extremely easily, or being an extraordinary mathematician. Autistic people often don’t like to hear the term ‘savant’ as we are often only valued by ‘society’ if we are savants. And if we are not, then we are often treated as lesser. This is kind of a form of eugenics.

Eugenics: Eugenics is a philosophy or belief that we can selectively breed humans to ‘improve’ humanity. Or create the ‘perfect race’. This was an idealogy practiced by Adolf Hitler during WWII, which lead to the holocaust. Eugenics is often a subtly underlying philosophy behind many statements that, on face value, seem relatively harmless. For example - “autism is the next step in evolution” is currently a popular statement. However, this implies that every other neurotype is not an improvement, which therefore implies that being autistic is superior. This would be considered a form of eugenics. Eugenics is considered a horrible philosophy because it encourages people to look down on others and dehumanise anyone not like themselves.

Co-morbidity: A co-morbidity is the term used for a condition that is regularly seen in conjunction with another condition. For example, autism and ADHD are often seen together. However, it can also be used to simply describe someone who has more than one condition (physical or mental).

AuDHDer: Someone with autism and ADHD. Just a shortened way to refer to people with both disabilities.

Selective mutism/Situational mutism: When an autistic person (or other neurotype) experiences periods of being unable to speak or communicate. This can often occur in stressful situations, like before tests or during doctors appointments. It is officially referred to as ‘selective mutism’ but many are trying to change it to ‘situational mutism’ as the individual does not willingly choose when they go non-verbal.

Alexithymia: Alexithymia is typically described as the inability to define and/or describe ones emotions. So you may often feel a type of discomfort, but not be able to label what it is. Not being able to distinguish between anger and irritability. Or not knowing if you feel sad or confused. It can make seeking professional help for many conditions really difficult, as you are unable to put your experience into words. It can also be similar to hyposensitivity in the way that it makes it difficult to understand what you body is feeling.

Dyspraxia: Dyspraxia is a disorder that affects co-ordination, movement and balance. It can make things such as sports, driving, cooking and writing difficult. It is fairly common in autistic people.

Prosopagnosia: The inability to recognise/remember faces. It is more common in autistic people.

Synesthesia: Synesthesia is when one form of sensory input is sometimes also experienced as another. For example, someone with this condition may see colours when they hear someones name. They may hear a song and get a taste in their mouth. This is also more common in autistic people.

FINAL NOTE: Autism is a spectrum and you may not experience all of these different terms, or you may not experience them in the way I described them. That does not mean you aren’t autistic. This is not a diagnostic tool. This is simply a guide to learning the terms you may often hear when discussing autism.

[nocturnowlette]

i'm sorry if this is weird or overstepping or something, but i truly think you're, like, the best person to ask this: i want to write a story (a fanfic) about someone discovering hypnosis through a dare in twitch chat at age, like, 30 or 40. & am having trouble imagining how to write someone in that circumstance who is properly Affected by that first file, or at least affected enough to become Intrigued, because my experience is one of watching tons and tons of youtube videos out of an entirely private, mysticism-powered Interest with a capital I in my early teens that, over months, gradually made me susceptible enough to trance for me to start having, like. preferences. and it's taken literal years for it to become something that's able to make me lose focus immediately or at least quickly upon starting a file. not that i want this guy to be dropping IMMEDIATELY, but i just don't know how to get in the head of someone who already IS susceptible to a significant degree; my own experience is so predicated on conditioning via loads of very, very, very ineffective and bad files before i found anything good. & another complication is that i want this guy (who is definitely whimsical enough to try it once for the fun of it regardless of how much of his ordinary audience would be even mildly interested, so at least i don't have to get Over Half The Audience to be Immediate Converts as well) to start having, like, a dedicated weekly stream for hypnosis, which means finding both both a) good and b) sfw shit fast. sth further complicated by the fact that i want him to meet a Romantic-Slash-Kink Interest through said interest's hypno files. this is all really niche and complex and i'm sorry again if this is wayyy out of your wheelhouse, you just seem like the best-knowledgeable and approachable person on the internet for this. um. i've never been a puppy but ur Feel Like A Puppy script was incredible i loved it so much & def reading again at some point. <3. ily

I'm imagining a scene where this person gets a donation message asking if they could try hypnosis or just "try something" on them.

I won't try to come up with specifics for how the trance should go, but I think heaviness should be the main thing that the hypnotist focuses on; and, importantly, the hypnotist doesn't anticipate how susceptible the streamer is either (they're amateurish and improve in the story with time).

And so, while the suggestions keep coming, with thoughts slowing and their body relaxing, the streamer seems to stop speaking at all. And then, they finally get the Drop command after setting it up...

Slam!

They lose control of their body so hard that they lean forward and hit their head on the desk, waking up instantly and having trouble understanding what happened! ^v^

It'd be best if they felt a bit confused and scared (maybe even turning the livestream off right after), but then... over time... feeling that itch. They didn't understand what happened, but their mind is so curious for it (perhaps you could slip in the mildest obsession or addiction suggestion if you want to fuel this, but I think without it would be great).

So then... they shoot the person a message. The story goes from there.

Also, you could make this streamer Jerma if you want. I could definitely see this happening to him.

[actuallyadhd]

Why do my ADHD meds only help in making me able to get up every morning, instead of actually doing something for my ADHD symptoms?

After Ritalin didn't work at all, my psychiatrist put me on Vyvanse (50mg). I've been taking it for at least two years now, and it helped me beyond belief. But not in a 'aiding in concentration' way, instead, the only thing they do is not letting me go into a catatonic state all day.

Whenever I'm off my meds, I return to the same condition I was in before starting them: I can barely get up. It's a fatigue so intense I literally cannot do anything but the very basic, let alone study. I honestly cannot tell you how I survived so many years without it.

Yet, no matter how much they improve my quality of life (and though my sensory issues got more manageable), they don't do anything to aid in my studies. I still cannot focus on tasks, nor manage my hyperactivity (be it in a physical or mental level). I still get executive dysfunction, talk too much and too loud, can't sit still, have no restraint or self-control and am basically still the same inattentive, agitated person I always was. Am I just in a too-low dose, or there's something else wrong with me?

(Crossposted from Reddit. Sorry if this is too long, and feel free to take as long as you need to answer this!)

Sent December 8, 2023

There are a lot of different reasons this may be happening, and the first one that comes to mind is that your dose may be too low.

There is another aspect that's important, and that is the need to manage your expectations.

Medication doesn't make all of your ADHD symptoms go away. It doesn't make you neurotypical. It doesn't magically give you the skills you never learned due to ADHD stuff.

It sounds like you have quite severe ADHD (hi! Same here!), which makes every single little thing harder. But here's the Really Simplified Explanation about how meds help.

Let's say that a person's overall functioning can be rated on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is "completely neurotypical" and 10 is "completely non-functional".

Given this, your unmedicated ADHD is at a 7 or 8, and it sounds like your medication is pulling you to around a 5, or maybe a 4. This sounds awful, but what it does is give you the ability to actually learn the skills you need so that you stand a chance of being slightly more functional when you're off your meds.

The other part of this is that the Big Four (sleep, diet, exercise, & stress) also affect your functioning, and if any of them is out of whack then your medication won't be able to help as much. So having something screwing with you may put you at a 9, and then your meds will only be able to get you to a 6.

Things that may help with the issues you've listed here include active breaks, fidget toys, and lots of routines. We have lots of information about all of these here, but if you want specific information about any of it please feel free to ask.

Followers, what do you think about this situation? Do you have any advice?

-J

[manstrans]

“White disabled people want more because they think it’s unfair they’re not having what their white peers have”

I have not met a single black disabled activist that’s said this is the problem white disabled people have. Because it isn’t.

The major problem with white disabled people and the whiteness as a privilege is our medical systems.

- Dx’s are based around white cishet abled men. The further removed you get from this the more issues you face in the medical field.

- White people are more likely to be believed on their pain and issues, but more likely cis white men are.

- They’re more likely to be given accommodations and believed on their accommodations than their black counterparts

- Black people are more likely to be written off as lazy or unfit, because of their skin.

- Black people are more likely to be labeled as drug seeking and denied pain relief medications

- Black people are more likely to be ignored about conditions affecting them because “that cannot happen to black people” (skin cancer, the bullseye rash from that one tick, I’m fairly certain there’s more)

Like. Yes. White privilege exists for white disabled people. But not in the way of “I want to be equal to non-disabled people”.

Hell that argument is like, pushing their disability accommodations over other ones.

For example, someone forcing a black disabled person in their wheelchair not to talk about their wheelchair because they have anxiety or depression and it makes them feel worse.

Which is less an intersection of entitlement but rather white tears and how white people prefer centralized attention on issues.

Or when white people dismiss black specific issues and claim it’s because they don’t want a divided community.

So it’s no wonder they’re pulling the “trans men get preferential medical treatment because they’re men” because I don’t even think they know the complexities of agab and medical navigation, considering they don’t know race and medical navigation.

It feels very much so like someone who has read basic theorum someone posted, never engaged with the specifics of the situation with people who are advocates and is now parroting, but doing it poorly.

Because like, they’re not wrong, white privilege with disability is a thing.

But that’s not really it. At all.

Sorry for the long ramble, I know it’s not a focus of your blog and the issues you talk about. Feel free to delete this if you want.

yeah this is what I've heard too I think? correct me if I'm wrong but I think this is pretty solid

[restinpanic]

Okay so, I won’t share too many details because it’s my business but I wanted to ask for the main 3 walking in on their s/o (TW) self harming? If the request makes you uncomfortable feel free to delete it or DM me, I’ve had experiences like this in the past and recently have been feeling guilty so I wanted some comfort. :(

Hi, Gigi!!❤️ Since this request is made ESPECIALLY for comfort, I'll not mention Black Hat in this. I'll send his part privately if you want.

Also, if you're reading this post, the person who send me this request is doing commissions for the villainous fandom!! His writing is impeccable, and if you're looking for a amazing read for a reasonable price, check out @gigi-the-writer account!!

Have a good read!

-

✈️Dr Flug:✈️

It wouldn't take long for Flug to figure out what you were doing. He tends to be someone who is very attentive when it comes to the people he cares about. At first, he would be unresponsive. The shock of knowing you were doing something like that would certainly shake him up. His intuitive reaction would be to hug you. That's right, a hug. At a moment like this, he would forget all the villainy that takes part of his heart to simply hug you tightly. He would never see it as your fault, on the contrary, he would start to wonder if maybe he was doing something that was bringing you down, and he would start to feel guilty, even if he wasn't to blame. He would help you bandage your wounds, and beg you not to do something like that again.

Flug can be extremely clumsy in social interactions, but he would definitely try to make conversation to understand what is going on. Even though his time was short, he would try to show small, specific acts of affection to try and lift your spirits. The scientist may or may not have experience with self-harm, but you would know right away that he cares. He's trying to help you.

🎸Demencia:🎸

The lizard girl would be extremely confused. She would never imagine that you would do something like that, and since she's not human, she would have difficulty understanding your reasons. This would be one of the few times where she wouldn't act like a complete lunatic and would actually try to listen to you, despite not being able to focus completely. Seeing you in this state, Demencia would feel worried, and would quickly try to alleviate your situation with her usual charisma:

"Sadness?? Pfft- Not while your wonderful girlfriend is around!!"

She would drag you with her to do fun things like: blow up an entire city, steal candy from little kids, kidnap a raccoon or even prank someone! Anything to help you distract yourself.

She would have no idea how to clean wounds like that, but as long as she was around, she would certainly bring a smile to your face. And in a romantic scenario, she would become overly affectionate (if that's possible). Don't get her wrong, she's just extremely protective of the people she's obsessed with... I mean, in love with. In the end, all she would want was your happiness by her side.

🧸5.0.5🧸 (PLATONIC!!!):

It's a consensus for us that 5.0.5 is naive about many things, but he, better than any experiment, would immediately realize that something was wrong if he noticed that you were gloomy. The bear can always see when someone is down, and it's his job to cheer them up when something like that happens, especially a friend!

He would start giving you more of his cozy hugs and make several colorful drawings of you and the rest of the organization on paper. Surely, the kid has done things like this before, but he would try to cheer you up even more when he sees that you are not in good condition. In general, his affection for you would increase even more in this situation, and he would help you to no longer feel lonely with his adorable affection!

[dandelionsresilience]

Do you have tips on how to stop or at least lessen doomscrolling?

Its been an issue for me the past couple of weeks because of p much everything in general

Thanks for the Ask! for a short answer, I would recommend checking out the sources linked in the very last section of this post

for a longer answer, I got the following tips from these two sources:

recognise your triggers - why or the conditions under which you doomscroll

when you notice that you’re doomscrolling, or about to, do something else instead (yeah it sounds obvious, but fr)

limit doomscrolling to a specific period of time - only check social media or the news during a specific time or for a certain amount of time

focus on actionable things that directly affect your personal life - maybe that means worry less about climate change (something you can’t do a whole lot about by yourself) and worry more about the popularity/funding of your local animal shelter or library

curate your online experience through blocking accounts that stress you out and following accounts that make you feel good

turn off notifications, if not entirely then for one half of the day, or only mute the news apps

scroll more purposefully - set a goal when you open an app, eg. “I’m looking for that one funny dog video I saw the other day,” or “I want to find out how to fix my washing machine”

if you set something like a time limit and aren’t able to stick to it, take note of why - if you needed to escape after a bad day at work, try to make work better and/or find other coping mechanisms; if you were just bored and started scrolling automatically, try to find something else to occupy your time, ideally an engaging hobby

[somewhat-very-insane]

questions i am sick and tired of hearing as a chronically ill and disabled person (and why i hate them)

this did wind up a bit longer than i expected it to, but by all means, feel free to add on with any questions you hate to be asked (and why!)

abled people, please do refrain from overtaking this post, and, disabled people, please do refrain from making this post entirely about any one specific condition.

"do you really have to talk about being disabled all the time?"

yes. yes i do. i promise that however annoying it is for you to have to endure the absolute agony that must be me making an offhand comment, or, on occasion, maybe actually talking about something that affects me for more than a few minutes at once, it is infinitely more "annoying" for me to have to actually live with the issues i talk about for every second of every day of my whole life. when i stop talking, you don't have to think about it anymore. but i always have to think about it. you get to put your full focus on something else, or, if the conversation is that annoying for you, you can leave! nobody is forcing you to stay. but talking about my problems is the only way i can get any support for them, and even when i stop, they are still there. i cannot "step away" from the figurative "conversation" with my pain. it is always talking to me, whether it be just a small whisper in the background or screaming at the top of its lungs in my ears, that pain is always there. so, while it's unfortunate that you are getting "tired of hearing about it," please do understand that i got tired of experiencing it a long, long time ago; do not destroy my one way to speak about my experiences solely because you do not wish to be made uncomfortable by them.

"do you really need that pain medication? won't you get addicted?"

in response to that, let me ask you this: do you really need that water you're drinking? aren't you afraid you'll get addicted to drinking water? it sounds ridiculous, i am aware. but i will break it down for you, now (as, in my mind, it is an adequate comparison). every human being needs things like safe, clean water, food, and some form of shelter to survive. however, the majority of humans can survive adequately with a reasonable amount of these items and will be able to function without major pain or other symptoms that detract from their general quality of life. some people, like myself, can have our basic needs of food, water, and shelter met, yet still experience major (or minor) pain, which cannot be blamed on a lack of rest, hunger, or thirst. therefore, in order to function the way society expects us to, and in order to not be quite as utterly miserable as we otherwise would, we may rely on other, stronger medications than the average person would, to manage that pain. these medications are medically prescribed, and we therefore have every right to utilize the resources provided to us. if i were to simply stop taking certain "non-necessary" medications, while my body would technically continue to function with the aid of my "necessary" medications, i as a person would not be able to function. imagine, if you will, the worst headache, joint pain, cramp, or other temporary ailment you have ever experienced. that probably wasn't a very enjoyable experience for you, was it? but you might've been able to use some ibuprofen or acetaminophen, maybe a heating pad, and after a little while it got better. now imagine if you tried to use those same things but the pain did not get better; imagine that pain lasting for months, even years on end, which you simply could not get rid of. a pain which you were expected to simply pretend was not bothering you, and continue to function the same way as everyone else, who was not in pain, was capable of. surely, in this hypothetical, you would want the (perfectly safe, legal, usually non-addictive) medicine that could make that pain even a little bit less excruciating? even if you knew that the pain would never fully disappear, not really, you would still want it to be less. so, i will take my medications, and leave you with the freedom to choose what you put in your body, just as i deserve the same freedom over mine.

"have you tried just exercising? eating healthier? meditation?"

the short answer is, for almost every disabled person i know, yes. though, granted that you've come this far, i'm sure you are prepared for the long answer, too. exercise can, for some conditions, help to alleviate or lessen certain symptoms. the key thing to note here, though, is that the exercise must be safe and selected specifically for the person based on how it may negatively affect them, as well. even activities that most able-bodied people regard as minor, such as going on a walk, can be draining, nausea-inducing, painful, and outright miserable for some people. i cannot, personally, go on a fifteen-minute walk on flat, paved terrain, in very pleasant weather, without triggering dozens of sensations that would surely make any healthy person worry that they were dying. when i tried to pick up an exercise regimen without professional help, i made my health several times worse. taking the advice of people who were, sometimes, genuinely trying to help, put me in serious danger. even when i did have a team of three doctors working on a plan for me, it took several rounds of trying and failing before we were able to determine what activities i could safely do, and which would be beneficial to me. now, being told to "just eat healthier" particularly irks me, because what foods i have to eat to maintain a more "healthy" balance of sugars, sodium, protein, and fat in my system varies quite a bit from that which a healthy person might be told is the ideal. i do understand that, generally, a low-sodium, lower-fat, mainly natural-sugar, high-protein diet sounds healthiest to a large percentage of people, the same cannot be said for myself. i have been told, by numerous medical specialists, that it is absolutely necessary for me to consume high amounts of sodium (think: eating salty food and snacks, on top of an electrolyte drink and salt pill every morning). i also deal with highly fluctuating blood sugar, which doctors cannot yet explain why it suddenly plummets (no, it is not diabetes, yes, i have been asked this dozens of times). as a result, i will often have to eat something "unhealthy," such as fruit snacks or a similar gummy candy, to get my blood sugar back up. is a high-sugar, high-salt intake diet generally what outsiders will see as healthy? of course not. but, as these are things i have to do to specifically manage my symptoms, it is always frustrating to be told that maybe they are symptoms i experience because of my diet. they are not. as for the types of people who insist that simply doing a guided meditation session each day can cure me of my dozens of health conditions, you are simply incorrect. while some people may experience a temporary psychosomatic alleviation of their pain in response to practicing mindfulness techniques, no one should ever urge another human being to substitute life-saving medication with guided breathing and essential oils. the two are simply not on the same level, and meditation does not, cannot, and will not help every disabled person deal with their symptoms.

"aren't you too young to be so unhealthy?"

no. and, while i do wish that people would not press further when faced with such a simple, clear-cut response, some people simply cannot grasp the idea that anyone under forty-five could possibly deal with any sort of health complications. people can be unhealthy at any age; even infants can have heart conditions, after all. while old age certainly has a higher correlation with deteriorating health, it is certainly not a reason to believe that, therefore, anyone who is not old cannot have poor health. believe me, i do wish that whenever someone older told me that i really am just overthinking things and lying to all my doctors and somehow faking things like MRI and X-ray results, those problems simply disappeared. unfortunately, things do not work that way, and by saying things like that not only do you invalidate the experiences of countless ill individuals, you (deliberately or not) paint us as bad people, when all we want to do is survive.

[toraawa]

Why Serena Can't Hate Yuri (and What May Happen in Duel Links) Part 1

This post is a mix of analysis and speculation, with specific focus on Serena's character and the similarities between her and Yuri due to their shared upbringing at Academia, as well as specific scenes in Duel Links that clue us in on what Serena's possible perspective on Yuri is.

It's a common idea in the fandom that Serena would hate Yuri and vice versa, but a closer look at her character reveals that there isn't much support for that idea at all. In short, it's OOC.

There's many reasons for it that I will outline below. But for one, if Serena hated Yuri, it would make her a massive hypocrite.

Before Serena betrayed Academia, she was willing to attack any and all people who used Xyz summoning. She had no qualms about hurting people as long as she got what she wanted and believed it was right. As we all know, her motivation was carding the Xyz remnants so Leo could recognize her abilities. This resulted in her carding Hokuto (and most likely other LDS students as well) and waving the card in a mocking gesture. Very Yuri-esque behavior.

There is also her duel with Dennis, which portrays how Serena's self-certainty and arrogance was so strong that she refuses to listen when Dennis says he is not an Xyz remnant. Even after she realizes he wasn't who she is looking for, she is dismissive of the fact that she could have hurt someone uninvolved with the conflict. This Serena would most likely brush it off as collateral damage if she did end up carding him.

(Interestingly enough, even though it's implied that Reiji brushed Hokuto's carding under the rug, Serena is never shown to reflect on the mistake even after meeting Shun. But that's for another day LOL.)

Serena, like Yuri, was generally arrogant and overconfident in her abilities, and saw herself as superior to all other duelists. Her desire to be recognized was a selfish one, even if it was so she could be useful to Academia's goals that she thought were honorable and just. That's how Academia's culture is—constantly proving that you're better than everyone else so you can climb the hierarchy. But a large part of Serena's character is introspection. She reflects on her past mistakes, and realizes the horrible things she did in the name of Academia—and her own pride/ego.

I believe that with the amount of self-reflection Serena does in Arc-V, it's only inevitable that Serena compare herself, or her past self, rather, with Yuri. All the reflection of everything she has done and what has happened to her probably makes Serena think that Yuri is the person she could've become had Leo given her what she wanted. A fate she escaped, in other words.

Of course, there is also Serena's horror at what Academia did to Xyz, which most likely still would have rocked her core even if she did achieve her dream of fighting on the front lines. She wanted to fight honorably, and is disgusted at her former peers for treating it like a "hunting game". This contrasts with Yuri, who is shown to not care at all about all the innocents carded in Xyz. But when it comes to hurting others for selfish gain, both Serena and Yuri have shown to be very capable of it, and to be bad people in general.

It's all about conditioning. Serena, a kind and compassionate person at heart, was able to be conditioned to feel superiority and arrogance and attack anyone to impress Leo, which she thought was wholly justified. Just about everyone in Academia is conditioned to be bad, though it's interesting how some are more susceptible than others (a poignant point in real life as well). What is it that makes some people more willing to engage in the "hunting game" and take glee in dominating others, like Sora, and some people horrified at the behavior of their peers, like Serena, Asuka, and the girl she tried to help escape? Is it being entrenched in that part of Academia's culture enough? A willingness to abandon one's humanity because they think there is nothing else for them? Or is it a desire to prove something?

Which then brings up the point of Yuri's own conditioning, and how it parallels Serena's.

I know a lot of people in the fandom think Yuri was completely bluffing here, and while I agree he was pretending to be swayed by Asuka's words, I do think his upset and grief was genuine. Otherwise, they probably wouldn't have shown flashbacks of his childhood. This scene is from Yuri's point of view, after all!

We know little of how Serena was as a small child, other than she was constantly frustrated with Leo's treatment of her and wanted to prove herself to him, but Yuri's childhood more clearly shows how Leo got through to him. Yuri didn't start out as a bad person at all—he actually seems good, as all the Yu-boys are without Zarc, but his conflict was that everyone hated/feared him for being too strong (It can safely be assumed that it was Starving Venom in particular, or Zarc's benign influence). He was confused that someone like Asuka could be simultaneously strong and well liked, and was envious of her. At this point, all Yuri wanted was to duel others and have fun defeating them... and hopefully make a friend out of it.

It's obvious, but Leo finding him in the midst of his isolation was the perfect way to manipulate him. Yuri immediately idolized Leo for reaching out to him, and thus accepted carding people with no second thought because of it. There were no questions asked; Yuri embraced it immediately, just like how Serena embraced carding her own opponents and fighting the other dimensions to create Leo's "utopia". Both Yuri and Serena only cared about pleasing Leo at first.

(Interestingly, in the English dub, Yuri screams that Leo ruined his life and he was too blind to realize it).

This devotion to Leo obviously falls apart for Yuri later, and I'll get to that. But there is something very striking about these lines in Duel Links that encapsulates Serena and Yuri's conditioning by Leo perfectly, and just how much pain and self-deprecation Serena's hindsight brings her personally:

Serena and Yuri never, ever, ask any questions.

Ever.

I mean, every time someone in Arc-V demands for Yuri to tell them why he's kidnapping the girls, he doesn't bother with thinking about it. As long as it's an order from the Professor, Yuri will obey without question. And Serena tells Yuzu that Leo's words are absolute in Academia; she believes in a utopia with united dimensions because it's Leo's idea. No questions asked.

They just don't bother with thinking.

Yet another similarity between Serena and Yuri's conditioning is that they do make way for their own pursuits outside of Leo's orders. Yuri does everything he does because Leo tells him to, but his more central goal is deriving pleasure and excitement from chasing the girls and carding whoever else. Serena goes so far as to directly disobey Leo, but it's only because she thinks he's making a mistake in not recognizing her ability—she harms her loyalty to become more loyal, in a sense. Though Serena wants to be helpful to Leo's goals, boosting her pride and sense of superiority is her more underlying central goal. It's the same with Sora and Dennis, too. They follow orders without question, but they were both more interested in other things: the hunting game for Sora, and entertainment for Dennis.

Academia's culture not only cultivates absolute, unquestioning loyalty to Leo, but also a huge ego fest in which everyone wants to be superior. They're never given the opportunity to do much else. Serena says so herself in Duel Links, when Yuzu is sad upon her saying that no one was waiting for her to come back.

In Japanese, Serena says it's because she was under house arrest in Academia since she was little. Either way, both versions convey that there is only so much you can do at Academia but fall in line with the paths they paint for you. This is doubly so for Yuri and Serena, who had special circumstances.

With all this in mind, it's clear that Serena understands very well how Academia conditioning works. How it can transform you into a bad person who only sees one way of life, and how Leo can make your worth revolve around him. Serena despises Academia and is hostile towards everyone affiliated with it, but that doesn't erase her understanding of these things. She's extremely familiar with how easy it is to embrace something bad with no questions asked, under the pretext of impressing Leo or believing it's good.

To allow herself to recognize the manipulation she was subject to and how it made her capable of terrible actions and not extend the same understanding to Yuri (or anyone else from Academia) would be very hypocritical. It would be a different set of rules for her and a different set of rules for others, in short, and I don't think Serena would stand by that. She believes strongly in fairness and integrity.

If Serena were to hate Yuri, who exhibits very similar behavior as she used to, she would have to hate herself too.

The limited paths Serena and Yuri have been subject to their whole lives paints yet another close parallel between them.

Serena learns the truth about Academia from Yuzu and Shun, and eagerly takes the path that leads towards the light. She's surrounded by people willing to give her a second chance and prove herself. Yuri knows nothing except how to win duels and please Leo, and when he stops caring about the latter, he only sees a path into the darkness. Everything Yuri does at this point is a means to an end. He's going to card everyone, keep satisfying himself, let himself be absorbed and resurrect Zarc, and die. This is all there is to him; there's nothing else anymore, because Yuri is incapable of having faith in any other possibility, or in any other version of himself. He doesn't understand them. It's how it's been for as long as he can remember; why would it change?

It's never explained why Yuri suddenly stopped caring about Leo (maybe because the Arc Area Project was pretty much complete and he saw no use for Yuri anymore), but I find it really interesting how surprised Leo is when Yuri says he doesn't care about making him happy anymore. It shows that Leo genuinely believed Yuri would always be wrapped around his finger. His manipulation over Yuri is much more severe than Serena.

Perhaps there was a chance for him to escape Academia like Serena did, and Yuri briefly considers it right before the flashback, but that's impossible when he sees nothing else but what's in front of him. With Zarc's influence in full strength, Yuri thinks carding and satisfying himself is all there is. That it's all he is. Ironically, Yuri's reducing himself to what exactly Leo made him: a carding machine. Except this time, it's on his terms (like that makes it any better, because it doesn't).

What is most ironic about the paths Serena and Yuri take is that Serena goes from bad to good—an arrogant, selfish soldier with no qualms about hurting uninvolved people in the crossfire to a more compassionate fighter for justice, while Yuri goes from good to bad—a child who only saw joy and fun in dueling to a heartless attack dog. Who Yuri used to be is highly reminiscent of Yuya, who only wants to entertain and connect with people through duels, and it is that very quality that Serena eventually learns to enjoy for herself. Basically, what Yuri lost is what Serena gains, and what Serena lost is what Yuri gains.

Either way, they were both majorly screwed up by Academia and Leo.

There's definitely more analysis that can be done regarding Serena and Yuri and Yuri's character as a whole (who is unfortunately seen as one-dimensional and any further insight is even shunned by some), but with that foundation established, let's focus more on Serena's possible perspective on Yuri.

I'm running out of picture space, so part 2 continues here.