#I only cause another problem for them and they can tell me how immature I am and I need to take more responsibility

[mobpd]

I'm such a coward. tried to at least get deep enough as a preparation to slit my wrists but I couldn't even get to the second layer. and it's not even like i don't like to hit styro, i'm just being a little bitch about it

[anne-bsd-bibliophile]

Mirror: The Fiction and Essays of Kōda Aya translated by Ann Sherif

The papers in those days always had some amazing news in them - from the attempted military coup of February the year before to the start of fighting in China just three months later. A ferocious gale had come sweeping through, causing small whirlwinds some days and, at other times, a tremendous commotion that stirred up everything, even the dust in the forgotten corners of the world. I was just a speck of dust in one of the narrowest, most remote niches. - Kōda Aya, "The Medal"

A kimono worn by a woman immature in her emotions can be a powerful thing. Or, to put it another way, clothes have the strength to control one's psyche. To me, the striped outfit was a uniform; it gave me a sense of direction and a feeling of pride in my work. The apron shielded me from all arrows; it acted as a cast to brace me against all blows. It was a metal fire door behind which I could hide the anguish of my heart. - Kōda Aya, "The Medal"

What other child would fail to rise to the occasion when her father was being so honored? He was my only father, and I his only child. Is this any way to behave? I had lost my way at the bottom of a deep abyss. I cast my eyes upward, toward my father, only to see him dimly shrouded by mist. - Kōda Aya, "The Medal"

I know nothing about the breadth of my father's learning, nor do I pretend to understand the scope of his art. I could not tell you what came to him as a matter of luck, what he accomplished through his own talents, nor about his stature among men. Though I may be vastly ignorant, I do have enough sense not to entertain the foolish notion that he is some kind of lion of literature, a king among writers. He was just my father. From my own biased viewpoint, I would say that Father possessed some lionlike qualities, but there were those of a lion who would finish you off or give you the push-off-the-cliff test. - Kōda Aya, "The Medal"

Father was an unusual man. He would point out the beauty of blossoms or clouds in the sky with the very whip he had cracked a moment before. With the same knife he had just used to rive your innards, he would slice up a wedge of some delicacy for you. No one else I knew could perform such feats. There was something solid about him. I felt all at once like a contrite sinner and a puppy dog who is eager to please. I wanted to cut all ties with him, but at the same time I needed him to recognize me as worthy of his love. - Kōda Aya, "The Medal"

Higuchi Ichiyo's nephew Higuchi Etsu once said about [me and my father]: "The parent dons a medal, and the child an apron." I made a show of laughing at his comment, but only because I wanted to hide my weakness. In fact, that apron chafed against my hands and my heart with its unyielding roughness. - Kōda Aya, "The Medal"

One often hears about the magical powers of mirrors. Certainly the mirror's ability to reflect creates this feeling of mystery. The objects around the viewer look so different in the mirror - what was one may multiply into two or even three. Objects that had appeared to be piled up come apart. Something might look real in the mirror, but then when you try to touch it, you can't. It seems to be there but it makes no sound. Is it real or just an illusion? Sometimes you can see through things in a mirror. Some things seem actually to be alive inside the mirror, but once the reflection stops moving, the illusion of life is gone. The mirror's power resides in this ability to confound. - Kōda Aya, "A Friend for Life"

My life was not going smoothly. I could not handle the problems that confronted me and became unbelievably nervous and stubborn. At times, any little thing would set me off in a rage; often I would get upset and break down in tears. I had so many things on my mind. In those days I consoled myself by leaning up against my mirror. To think how proud I had felt of it on my wedding day. Now all I could do was crouch up against it and sigh. In that house it was the only place where I felt calm. The mirror served more as a support for my emotions than as a glass in which I could see my reflection. The sunny location I had chosen for it had been part of my effort to avoid sadness and gloom in my life, but ironically it ended up lodging a darkened, tired soul. I did, in any case, feel most peaceful when I sat by my mirror. - Kōda Aya, "A Friend for Life"

The first time I wiped the glass, I was shocked to discover how dirty a mirror can become. One usually does not notice the dust; a mirror will reflect even when covered with a heavy layer of grime. And once you get used to this, you may end up looking at yourself and trying to make yourself presentable with powder and lipstick, unaware that you are seeing yourself through a haze. But who bothers to dust mirrors? If even smoothly polished glass attracts dust how much more would accumulate on a troubled heart? - Kōda Aya, "A Friend for Life"

Kōda Aya has also been added to the BSD-Bibliophile Online Library!

You can find more information about Kōda Aya-sensei on the following pages:

List of Books in English Quotes and Facts Collection Fun Facts

[pruneunfair]

My feelings on: part 8, Tears on a withered flower: the most annoying fandom to date so far.

I ask if this one was really that great since I've been seeing it all over the place on tiktok and Instagram and reading it myself, I can see why it would garner an audience because it's another "working woman finds a better man after her loser ex cheats on her with a stupid damsel girl" type story. It's kinda good but in my opinion: it's not THAT good but there is only 23 chapters I read so far so I'll let it marinate before I actually start going after it for the plot.

What I really wanna talk about is the fanbase of tears on a withered flower because while the manhwa community does have a problem with internalized misogyny this specific fanbase takes the cake.

I don't like saying the term "glazing" but it's the only way to accurately describe the way they treat the FL Na Haesoo because they are absolutely feral. First off, I've seen them lose their shit over other fans simply saying "I think that this female character has a prettier design then Hae soo." And these stans reply with the most immature and even down right laughable comebacks. I took some screenshot of a tears of the wither flower slide show to give you an idea.

"Hae soon is the main character for a reason."

Who's gonna tell them that protagonists can be written poorly?

Trust me, I'm sure no one's jealous of a fictional character.

Okay the context basically was that Hae soos coworker was just being real with her based on what she knows about Hae soos life and apparently fans took that as her being jealous and when people who actually read the god damn plot and use their critical thinking to point this out, the stans basically go "nuh uh" and continue to scream even louder. Personally when I read that chapter i took it as brutal honesty, from her perspective Tae Ha was hitting on a married woman and the two barely knew eachother. A little harsh but she's not jealous of Hae soo 😭 like we barely know this girl!

I think the most complained about aspect of tears on a withered flower is the anatomy, specifically the anatomy of all the characters your supposed to really like/care about.

I don't mind that Hae Soo is built like that cause while her anatomy definitely is unrealistic it's also a cartoon comic and cartoons have lots of bizarre forms of anatomy that don't always need to be accurate. With that said I don't find it a coincidence that the FL who is the most fleshed out and only grown woman who isn't meant to be disliked or made fun of is a tsunade cup sized babe with big thighs, a tiny waist, a nice butt, and a baby face.

Yeah I'll say it: Hae soo is another example of authors wanting to make a non conventionally attractive woman since she's supposed to be older (like 33) who is also overworked so she doesn't take care of herself but in the end they didn't have the balls to actually go through with it so they not only gave Hae soo an amazing figure and hair but they also gave her a clear face, tiny lips and barely noticeable eye bags which I still can't tell if they're even eye bags or just her eyelashes.

When anyone even dares to point out that Hae Soo's design is weirdly propionate compared to the other female characters you get hid with the "Your just jealous that you can't have a man like Tae Ha!!"

look i don't mind disproportionate anatomy in cartoon comics but if you give me character designs with more accurate proportions, I'm going to choose the latter for prettier looking designs.

Another thing about this manhwa was the dialog. I like it at times because it can be so poetic.. and then they just throw in some comically evil sentences for the villains that most sane people would not make the public aware of in a modern day setting. It's not something that really annoys me I just thought it was fun to laugh at every now and again while reading.

conclusion: I think the best way to describe tears on a withered flowers fanbase is kinda like how Netflix treats Bigmouth. No, TOTWF is definitely no where near levels of uncomfortable as Bigmouth but it's in the way that it really isn't as good as everyone claims, it's okay at first and then it got old and some people started opening up that the thought Bigmouth was garbage only for a bunch of stans to barge in with "You just don't get it!!" People won't let it go, they keep insisting it's the best piece of work to exist and anyone who doesn't like it is a jealous loser.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

was i the asshole for sending a message?

the message is down below, the premise is a bit long as i wanted to explain what led to it

riley (fake name) was my childhood friend, we grew up together. by high school we ended up being each other's only friend.

riley and i weren't very good friends to each other. we were both mean as hell, often making jabs at each other and being judgy and in general putting the other down. same with other people. riley had jealousy issues and i had anger issues. basically you can guess why we didn't have other friends

this happened a few years ago when we were 16-17. one summer riley started ghosting me out of the blue. i thought something bad had happened but they eventually replied saying they were feeling down and not in the mood to be online. i told them they could talk to me whenever, they told me they would at some point, and we left it at that.

i also DMed them on twitter but they didn't seem thrilled, so i offered them to block me and minded my own business since. aside from that i'd only contact them to send memes. it was very obvious they were ignoring me as they were online everywhere else, but i figured they didn't feel like talking to me.

and they never replied. when we went back to school after summer break they just wouldn't talk to me. i was confused but i didn't want to cause a scene so i texted them and they promised to give me an explanation.

they didn't. instead they blocked me everywhere and still refused to talk to me. i still didn't want to confront them in school as to not cause a scene. i was really frustrated by their avoidance and a month (?) later i went off at them in their twitter DMs:

honestly i don't even know what to say about the way you're acting. how you don't even have the balls to tell me what's your fucking problem.

i won't even comment on the fact you changed my contact name and felt the need to tweet about it, or on you calling me "ex bff", or on the fact you blocked me randomly. because i never expected such immaturity, i never expected this treatment, and i don't know what to fucking think of you anymore.

know that i still want an explanation, and if you continue to ignore me we can talk about it in school. i don't give a fuck if there's people around. you're my best friend and i refuse to leave without an explanation.

(it's translated from another language. sorry if it's worded awkwardly but i tried to keep it close to the original)

it got me an explanation a few days later. some of it was true and some of it wasn't, but in the end i thought they were justified in wanting to cut me off so i never contacted them again (they had asked me not to bring it up around them or the teachers and to leave them alone)

i couldn't understand why they didn't just tell me as all i had been doing was beg for an explanation but i realized that i was aggressive with that message and i must have scared them. in the moment my anger felt justified but it made me wonder if it was my bad for getting so worked up and not letting them take their time. i still think about it and i wanted to hear someone else's opinion.

AITA for sending that message?

What are these acronyms?

[neeterloveschenford]

Gonna throw my two cents in about 6x01. Many will not agree with me, but it is what it is. We're all allowed our opinions on a bunch of fictional characters. That being said, let's dive in.

I don't have a problem with Lucy or Tim and how they behaved in last night's episode. Was Lucy OTT and a bit irrational? Yes. Let me introduce y'all to anxiety. It's a common reaction to duress. I have often acted in a similar manner over the course of my life. I like to think that I am better at managing my anxiety, but I'm also 20 years older than Lucy. People tell me all the time that I am so confident and have it together. What they don't know is that I am just really good at handling it. But Lucy is still only in her early 30's. She still has a lot of life that she hasn't experienced yet. And I will never understand this mindset that Lucy is ALWAYS super confident and badass. Ummm, are we watching the same show? Yes, in the moment she can be a complete badass. When we first meet her, she takes out and arrests the dude that tried to carjack her. In 2x07 we see her dive right in with the bomber showing Nyla the potential that she has and starting one of the best friendships on the show. In 3x06 she came up with a cover story on the fly to save June. And I could keep going. But all of these are instances where there was not time for her to second guess herself. And this is what I love most about Lucy. She is me and I am her in a lot of instances. I don't want her to be perfect all the time. I love her imperfections. I love the fact that she can sometimes be immature and emotional. This makes her more real. And another thing that I think is often overlooked is the fact that It's only been about 3 years in the timeline. We grow and change over the course of our entire lives. Give her some more time if you want her to be a superhero. I mean Angela and Nyla often struggle with balancing their personal and professional lives. This is a process that never stops. And I want to continue to see her grow and become more confident. But it's a life long process.

Now on to Tim. I keep seeing people say that Tim has sat in a shop with her for 3 or 4 years so he should know how to talk to her and never say the wrong thing. Listen, my mom and stepdad have been married for over 40 years and the man still says the wrong thing all the time. I love how he slipped back into TO Tim and didn't realize that wasn't what Lucy needed. Just like Lucy, it makes him human. I love that he is just as flawed as Lucy, just in different ways. As for the fight, yes it was stupid. But people have stupid fights everyday. And sometimes those stupid fights are the catalyst to being able to move forward and deal with whatever caused the fight in the first place. I am excited to see them finally deal with the underlying issues they obviously have.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I have to go to work. So I will end this here.

[soleminisanction]

There are very few ""headcanons"" out there that get a bigger side-eye from me than people who try to make Stephanie Brown into a Black girl.

Firstly because that is not a headcanon. That's just a whole-ass retcon created out of thin air. A headcanon would be saying she's a natural redhead like how Morgan Kohan played her on Batwoman, or that she's mixed-race because of the curly way some artist draw her hair. There's definitely flexibility in race interpretations for comics but looking at the blue-eyed blonde-hair white girl and declaring her "actually Black" is not one of them.

Secondly, because I have seen (and sometimes gotten) a lot of harassment from Steph fans aimed specifically at Tim's actual, canon Black love interests and teammates. I still seethe at the memory of this one CBR interview I read back when YJ2019 was running, where Brian Michael Bendis and David F. Walker were clearly there to talk up Naomi and Teen Lantern, and in the middle of their heart-felt conversation about the importance of representation for young Black girls, the interviewer butted in to interject, "But you know who I want to see more of?? Stephanie!!!" This going on while Steph fans on Twitter were going on racist tirades because the book dared to highlight the history of Teen Lantern, a character who was actually advertised to be a part of the book and a new member of the team, instead of giving them more of their white-blonde fav who had never been affiliated with YJ and was never part of the advertising.

Thirdly, she was created and so often written by Chuck Dixon, a blatant racist, and as a result there are so many little scenes of her that have uncomfortable racial elements to them. Like the one where he created a pair of Black girls just so Stephanie could call them "raging morons" to their faces and then later talk about how stupid and immature they are compared to her. (Which I am still convinced was Dixon directly criticizing the much better teen pregnancy subplot from Icon & Rocket). Or the borderline-blackface white savior ""demon"" where she wears a dead gnu and maybe accidentally calls herself a bitch in Swahili. (Disclaimer: I do not speak Swahili, and thus do not know how a sentence structure that should read "I am thorn" turns into "I'm a bitch" or "I'm crazy," but I checked that translation with three different robo-translators and got the same results so, shrug.)

And finally -- god, Steph is just, such a walking avatar of white women's privilege. Her entire thing is demanding that she get her way, never letting anyone tell her no, and still being treated by the narrative as a pure-hearted ""beacon of hope"" that everybody needs to protect and nurture at all times.

The inciting incident of War Games can be boiled down to, "A white girl got told no, and made it everybody else's problem." The first attempted Black member of the Batfamly fucking died during that event and got almost entirely forgotten because people only went to bat for the white girl who caused the whole mess and the white woman who got character assassinated to kill her off.

If Stephanie were Black, she wouldn't exist anymore. Fuck, if she were a brunette or just as butch as Carrie Kelly, she probably wouldn't exist anymore. She certainly wouldn't be Batgirl, I can't imagine Dan Didio replacing Cass with another woman of color.

And it's not even just her? Her father is also a very white character. It is incredibly easy to summarize Arthur Brown as a mediocre white man lashing out at the world for not handing him the success he felt entitled to. Take that petulant entitlement away from him and you lose his entire character.

I'm ranting about it on my own blog instead of picking a fight because everybody's entitled to their own fandom experience and blah blah, but this is just. Yeah. Ugh.

[foreverisntenough]

https://www.tumblr.com/foreverisntenough/763817621945729024/i-love-them-but-i-hateeee-all-the-rumors-this?source=share

I don't think the friendship is the problem. I think you guys feed into every little rumor too quickly.

They're seen together

You guys: omg he's leaving. Jude's poaching him

Is Trent not 26? Can he not make his own decisions and not be swayed about another guy? Is he not his own man? Why is his friendship with a 21 year old so worrisome?

If you guys didn't kick up a fuss about every rumor and just was matured and ignored it, there wouldn't even be grounds for this rumor to grow as much as it does

Sigh… I really don’t want to do this on my fictional writing blog.

Yes, but you’re making your point. He’s 26. He’s making a professional career decision. It’s not about what I’ve said on a reblog. I promise. I’m not naive enough to believe a friendship is weighing or swaying his career like that.

I don’t know who the “you guys” you’re referring to but I’ve said it before but I’m a Liverpool fan. I’ve cared about the club and its players long before Trent graced the field. That said, I love Jude, I’m writing a fic about him right now in fact, but you can’t get me to like RM. I won’t. And I’m allowed to like them as separate entities on my blog. It’s all in good humor. It’s cheeky. I’m not villainizing Jude, I’m not babying Trent. It’s banter.

Calling me immature about making a few cheeky comments on tumblr is wild though. Of course, I don’t want one of the star players of my club, favorite players at my club to go to, not only a rival club, but also a club we’ve lost massive games to in the recent past, specifically ones Trent’s played in… but if he goes that’s how it is.

I want the best for him as a player, it’s a career move end of the day and there isn’t much more ‘up’ he can go after a club like Liverpool. Trent Alexander-Arnold’s career is his, not Jude’s.

Also, if you recall all during the World Cup everyone chirped on and on about the friendship, that Trent was swaying Jude to Liverpool. This isn’t uncommon in the world of football especially when international players reconvene together. Asking Konate about Kylian, asking Virg about Cody… yes, this one has been heightened specifically though because of the media’s attention on Jude but also yhe pair together is the perfect storm. I can go into why I believe they are media targets if you’d like…

But I’ll tell you right now though my small tumblr joking is not causing this. Go read the swarms of Madrid articles after Carvajal’s injury. Get on twitter. Go read Trent’s vague interview in the Atlantic. If you pick a side you can infer any direction you want but Trent said he won’t let it play in the media, leaving it open for interpretation. Additionally, Madrid hasn’t just begun to monitor Trent, this has been cooking pre Jude. The boy is arguably one of the best in the world at his position, everyone watches him.

But as a Liverpool fan… the club have not done enough for our big players, not just Trent and it’s concerning but I don’t see Mo giggling about with rival club players but if he did it’d be okay because he’s an adult man just like Trent. I never said Jude and Trent’s friendship wasn’t okay. They’re teammates? BUT this is what football media has become. I didn’t make up the rumors.

Whatever happens will happen. It will be okay. Promise

You don’t need to call me immature. Thanks.

[rubykgrant]

(Here is my fantasy-adventure love story I have been working on! I'm just sharing the beginning right now, but I may post more later. I started writing this by accident, not expecting to at all, and somehow managed to make something that was surprisingly descriptive, and I even had fun creating it~ This involves a character getting an injury, nothing too gory, but there is a small wound and mentions of blood without being graphic. Just a heads-up! Fairly long, so be ready for that. I hope anybody who reads enjoys it~)

When I was still very little, and feeling especially unhappy, I left my home without telling my family.

I had no destination in mind, mostly because everybody knew my usual hiding places, and I didn’t want to be found. Not right away. I wanted to be alone for a while. Really alone, not just surrounded by people who were ignoring me. By myself somewhere quiet, able to think my own thoughts, enjoy my own company, and not cringe each time I heard somebody shout. All the shouting was giving me a headache that didn’t really end, it would just lessen then intensify, throughout the day.

I wanted to hide, but not stuck in some dark and cramped little corner, and that meant leaving home and going somewhere else.

I also wanted to make my family come look for me, to actually worry about me. That was selfish, I know, but I was young and upset. I was also filled up with another feeling, one I couldn’t find the words to describe at that age. I was somehow bored and hopeless, tired from all the constant fighting. Everybody in my family had their own problems, but took out their frustrations on each other, then sulked without finding a resolution. Nobody was trying to actually talk or fix anything.

Being the youngest, my problems didn’t seem as important to my parents and older siblings. I was pushed aside, sometimes literally, and had no way to properly voice what was wrong. It was like something in my heart or in my head felt broken. This was depression, I know that word now. Yes, even young children can be depressed. That feeling doesn’t care how old you are, it happens when it happens. I don’t think my family would have believed me if I tried to explain it to them back then, and even without knowing that word, I knew that I had asked for help before, asked for a little more kindness, and it was refused. I had also asked why my parents and my siblings were fighting so much, a true explanation for what seemed to be causing all this anger and anxiety, but I was not important enough to be answered.

To be clear, my family didn’t hate me. That’s the worst part, I know they loved me, and I loved them, but the love didn’t do anything to stop all the hurt. It would have been easier if they just hated me, but even then, I probably would still love them when I was little. You can’t help that, when you’re young.

Because of the painful feelings and the love that didn’t help, I reached a breaking point. When you are as young as me at that time, every decision feels like a very important life choice. Something that will change you forever. Obviously, as we grow older, we usually get some perspective. The decision I made to leave home that day was just the immature action of a child who wanted some breathing room, and later some attention. It still wound up changing me forever. I suppose that proves life is unpredictable.

While I was still oblivious to the things that were out there, waiting to happen, I thought my only options were throwing a loud tantrum or leaving.

So I left, and went farther away than I ever had before. I decided to try and go in a mostly straight line, so I could find my way back if nobody came looking before dark. I thought myself very smart for this.

I left behind all the familiar sights near my home, and at first, it was fun to feel like I was exploring a new area. I was on an adventure, which distracted me from my unhappiness. I intentionally broke several rules about wandering into places that were off-limits. I found a hill, one that rose up and turned into high cliffs. Normally, I wasn’t allowed to even think about going up that high. So naturally, I did. I should have stopped when I could no longer even recognize the shapes of rocks and mountains around me, but I was excited, and determined, and enjoying this sense of rebellious freedom.

I still could have gotten home alright, eventually. Then I got hurt.

I felt something sharp snag my arm as I moved around a cluster of rocks. For a short moment, I thought perhaps a small creature had stung or bit me, but that wasn’t it. There was something sharp and metal hidden in all the plant growth here, and it had caught my arm, above the elbow. It wasn’t very painful at first, but as I turned to see what happened, the sharp little metal thing twisted, dug in deeper, and suddenly my arm was on fire with pain.

I panicked, tried to jerk away, and that made it worse. The metal thing was, in fact, a barbed hook. Longer than the first finger of my hand, curved in a way that intentionally made it perfect for not letting go of anything it snagged. It also had a tangle of more metal connected to it, but these bits were thin and interlocked, like a chain that acted as a wire. This all snagged me as well, pinching and cutting me everywhere.

I didn’t know what this was. I had never seen a trap or a snare like this before. I just knew that it hurt, horribly. I also knew that it was making me bleed, and that turned the panic into terror. My stomach felt like a tight, cold knot. I finally figured out that I should stop struggling, or it would just get worse. I wasn’t able to rest in any position that was comfortable, no matter what I tried there would always be some part of me that pulled against the metal. After crying and then catching my breath, a new fear hit me.

A predator could smell my blood. I was so far from all my safe places, who knows what might be lurking out here. It started to get dark, and I did the only thing I could think of.

I started crying out for help. I screamed so loud it made my throat ache. Even if my family couldn’t hear me, there had to be somebody, somewhere. I hoped.

As it got darker, I panicked again, now knowing that I was too far from where anybody lived. I also realized that nobody lived here because it was unsafe, and it was unsafe because of things like the hook in my arm. Suddenly I was very aware of how small I was, and what a vast world I was in. I felt surrounded by emptiness… but it was a deceitful emptiness, because dangerous things were hiding everywhere. So much was unseen and unknown.

It’s a pretty humiliating feeling when life just seems to prove every thought you ever had wrong. I thought I could take care of myself for a few hours alone, I thought I could leave my home and easily find my way back, and I thought it would serve my family right to finally be concerned about me. Life had literally added insult to injury. The hook in my arm hurt, and even though nobody else was there, I was mildly embarrassed underneath all the fear. Insult to injury.

In my childish imagination, I pictured my family coming along, seeing me like this, and telling me it was my own fault, this was what I deserved for going off on my own, exploring unsafe places. I deserved to be hurt and trapped, shame on me.

In truth, they would be mad for making them worry, but they would have helped me, taken me home, and tended to me. Kindness didn’t come easy to my family lately, but the love was there. They weren’t coming, though. I was too far away, too high up. They must be worried about me by now, and probably looking in all the wrong places. Why would they even imagine I would ever come here?

Eventually it was completely dark, true night, and I started to think I would be extremely lucky to see tomorrow. I wouldn’t be able to sleep or relax while I was here. A big predator could eat me. Small predators could start picking me apart, and I wouldn’t be able to stop them. I might just keep bleeding until I died. Even if none of that happened, if I wasn’t able to get free, I would starve. My whole body hurt, I was terrified, and hungry.

The depression I couldn’t name seemed like a beautiful dream compared to this.

In the darkness, I reached out, feeling my way to the other end of the wire so I could try and detach it from the rocks and plants. Even if the hook was still stuck, I might be able to go home and bring the mean little thing along, if the wire wasn’t holding me back. It was agony to move, and my fingers were almost numb from pain and cold. When I finally found the other end, I realized the wire was connected to something large and round. Like a boulder, but perfectly smooth, it was made to be this way, and made to connect to the wire with the hook. It was also metal, and much heavier than me. Bigger than me, too. I couldn’t lift it, or get the wire loose, or free myself from the hook.

At some point, early that miserable night, a miracle occurred. I had no other way to think of it at the time. Later, I still consider it a miraculous event, even with all I’ve learned.

Somewhere up above me in the darkness, I got the sense that something was moving. Shortly after, it wasn’t entirely dark anymore. There was a strange source of light. At first it was a soft and distant glow, but different than anything I had seen before. It got brighter and bigger, before seeming to burst, shooting in all directions. The burst of light made a sound, and I heard it echo, sharp and powerful. The light was part of something, some shape I could see against the furious shine the light turned into. I heard a deep rumble from that shape, and then a crashing noise. A short distance away, something was moving downward, hitting other mountains, crushing the rocks. I couldn’t see it properly, but from that sound, I knew it was huge. The lights didn’t follow it down here. The thing groaned as it fell into the rocks, almost like a wounded animal, but it didn’t act like anything that had ever been alive. Just a big, heavy thing, like the metal ball, but it was falling apart.

I could feel the force of that thing falling slowly pass over me, aftershocks coming in waves, and with it a smell drifted over. I couldn’t recognize it, but it was unpleasant. It left a bad taste in my mouth. As the huge thing settled in the rubble it made, the glowing lights above changed. They seemed to quiver and flicker. As I looked up in wonder and shock, I saw a new shape moving. This thing was most definitely alive.

I had heard stories about strange things that live somewhere in another world, high above. They can sometimes look similar to us, but are completely different creatures. They are mysterious, and often very dangerous. They can abduct us, steal us away from our homes, never to be seen again.

The stories are mostly told to frighten little children like me into behaving, so we don’t wander far from home, or follow the towering cliffs too high up. I had done all that, just to get away from my family. Now that this was happening around me, I also remembered stories about these creatures making cruel weapons to kill us. Things like metal hooks and wires.

I was so high up on the rocks, the lights were shining down on me. Whatever was up there could easily see me if it cared to look.

After a moment, it did. The creature paused, hovering up there in place, and seemed to dip lower, rising back up, and pausing again. It was watching me. It was curious. I froze.

Another loud noise, another burst of light, another large object falling down, a little farther away. More rocks rumbling in the dark. The creature moved on, maybe deciding I wasn’t worth the trouble.

Then it returned, rushing down toward me. It moved with an intense purpose, as if it suddenly decided it had to hurry. I had no idea what to do, and even if I thought of something, it was impossible to actually do anything. I was still trapped. I was hungry and tired, no chance to escape or defend myself. I could only watch this creature get closer.

Soon, it was right in front of my face, and I was struck with an intense sense of familiarity that I never expected. The creature truly was similar to me, at least from the waist up. A head with a face, eyes, nose, and mouth. Arms with hands, and fingers. Still, very different. Clearly not meant to live in the same world as myself. The creature also seemed to be just as shocked to see me as I was to see it. Eyes wide and uncertain, but also amazed. Surely, this familiar appearance was a trick to lure in victims. Why else would something so alien almost mirror myself?

After a few moments of looking at me with disbelief, it moved away, rising upward again. I barely had time to wonder if it would move on, when it returned, even more urgent than before, and this time reached out to touch my wounded arm. I flinched, but couldn’t really do more. I felt the fingers, warm and gentle. Not directly doing anything yet. I realized, it wanted me to know it was trying to help. The eyes were pleading, no cruelty at all in the expression. In fact, it was worried more about my reaction. It didn’t want me to struggle and fight, making the wound worse. I held my arm up a bit, and braced myself.

It dug out the hook, able to maneuver the barb in a way I wouldn’t have thought of. It hurt, but then the pain eased, and I was so relieved I cried again. Then it helped unwind the wire from my body, doing some kind of trick by bringing the little links close together, moving them so they fell loosely away. This particular creature might not have set this trap, but it knew what it was and how it worked. Once I was free, the creature shot itself upward, pushing off the rock where the metal ball still sat. I thought about trying to find my way home in the dark, but with everything that had happened, the large objects that were now in my way, I wasn’t sure it would be possible. My “go in a straight line” plan wasn’t an option anymore.

I was also curious. You’d think I would have learned my lesson about exploring the unknown, but I had just experienced something that was utterly unusual and fantastic. It was impossible to resist trying to find out more. I didn’t think I would ever have another chance like this. The fact that the creature had just saved my life also intrigued me. It wasn’t an evil monster at all.

I followed it.

I caught up quickly, despite its head-start, and also despite my own injuries. I was built for swimming, after all.

Some of my fins were a little torn, but not in danger of getting shredded as I moved through the water. The wire had scrapped my skin and my scales, but thankfully none had been ripped off. The worst was the cut on my arm from the hook, but I covered it with my other hand, and could swim just fine without moving my arms. I wasn’t as big and strong as my older siblings, but I was a powerful swimmer for my age. Now that nothing had me trapped, I could work my shoulders, arch my back, and roll all that movement down through my tail, building momentum. Up, and up, and up…

We both broke through the surface of the water at the same time, and I heard the creature let out a high-pitched noise. It couldn’t breathe in the ocean, like me. That’s why it had been hesitant to dive down, and in such a rush to get me free. These beings didn’t just live in the surface world because it was their territory, it was the only place they could survive. I could breathe air, I knew that almost as an instinct, but also from experience.

When we weren’t out swimming through the ocean, we lived in caves with air pockets under the water. The ones that became out main homes were all naturally formed, but long ago our ancestors carved them out to make tunnels that helped the water flow through different caverns. Somewhere from the cracks in the ceiling, air from the surface would rush down. Somewhere below, from cracks in the floor, bubble filtered up. There was always air and water in our caves… but some tunnels didn’t wave the flows for water. Occasionally, me and my siblings would pull ourselves up to crawl across the rocks, trying to see who could go the farthest into these tunnels as a dare.

Nobody had ever gone very far, and we never knew if these tunnels lead anywhere. Partially because we would all eventually lose our nerve, but also because our parents would catch us, then scold us. If we wandered too far away from our pools and paths, and got stuck somewhere with no water, we might die. That wasn’t just an over exaggeration to frighten us into behaving. Being too dry never felt good… it was also an instinct, understanding that without access to the water, we would die.

Without air, this creature would die.

I remembered some of the old stories, about how our kind would have to pull these creatures from the world above deep in the water. Down so far that they would never be able to swim back to the surface, even if they got free. In the stories, this was called “drowning”. It was the only way to stop them from pulling us up, where we would meet all forms of terrible torture and evenual death, like being denied water until we became dried husks. At this description, I always imagined left behind shells when certain creatures molted, but shaped like one of us.

This creature had risked it’s life to swim down and save me. Now, instead of pulling me up, I had come willingly. I wondered again if this might be a devious trick somehow.

The creature turned to look at me, the sounds it made grew quieter, more even. Catching its breath. I hadn’t been sure before, because even though the creature was small, size doesn’t always matter. Now I thought for certain, this must be another child. Perhaps my age. I looked back, my face resting closer to the waves. My nose was still below the water, but the creature kept its chin up. With the urgency gone, I could tell it was was amazed to see that I had followed.

I watched as the creature moved their arms around to stay in place, and also… I wasn’t sure what to call it. The creature didn’t have a tail, like me. Instead, two limbs below the waist, and these limbs bent almost like the arms. It had another set of hands on the ends, but they were longer, and the fingers were stubby. This was how it moved through the water, using these two limbs. I wished somebody else was here, to see the creature. Somebody who would be better at understanding how it looked, how it worked.

The creature turned, looking around, and then swam toward the top of a cluster of mountains. Above the water, I could finally see what they turned into. It was a little like some areas of seafloor where I played, with small hills, and plants growing around. These plants were much different than what I was used to. It all looked more sturdy, somehow. Nothing flowed continuously up here. The air moved, though. Not quite like the water, but I was surprised to feel it moving at all. The air pockets in my home never felt like this. Those were contained. Up here, it was like the whole world was breathing.

As the creature swam toward a hill that rose out of the sea, I continued to follow, and we both wound up sitting in the sand, side by side. Waves rolled up around us, then went away, then came back. I had never seen water do this in my life. I had always been within it, feeling it around me completely. Even in our caves with the air pockets. The times I’d been able to see a clear view of the waves above me, at a distance, it had been in open water. Nothing for them to crash into or wash over.

It had a rhythm, a pattern, but occasionally it shifted and changed, the water pulling away for a longer stretch of time, and a rather big wave following, then finding the rhythm again. Bubbles turned into foam at the edges of it. Seeing the way the ocean, my whole entire world, moved up here was fascinating.

Out across the water, I saw the flickering lights. They were dying out now, whatever they were. I could see clouds rising from each one. The smell I noticed below the water was up here as well, and even worse. We had sources of heat in my world, and this smell was like when something touched that heat for too long. Burning.

I looked at the creature again, and found they had been looking at me as well. We looked at each other for a long time. Still getting used to the fact that we both existed, and also resting. We were very tired.

They were better at sitting up out of the water than I was, but that made sense. I noticed the creature had a scratch on one side of their head, above the left eye. They were hurt, too. The creature was almost entirely covered in some kind of clothing. We have clothes too, usually just worn for special events, or simply because we like them. Having clothes all the time gets heavy and slows us down when we swim. It must not be a problem for creatures up here, except right now, because those clothes were wet.

As we sat there and looked at each other, the moon began to rise in the sky. I knew the moon, even from a distance deep below the water. It was also connected to some instinct. The moon was part of the water, part of me, part of everything that lived in the sea. Tonight, the moon was round, bright, and pale. As if it wanted us to get to know each other better, the moonlight shined down on us.    

Now I could see more details and differences between me and the creature. They had a slightly slender face, while mine was a little more round, but my chin came to a tiny point, and theirs ended in a small squared jaw. The features they had were defined, but not harsh. Graceful is the word I would have used, if I’d known it. Their hair was very long, made of thick curls. My hair fell around my neck, barely touching my shoulders, just a bit wavy.

This creature might not be at home in the water, but I could tell they had strong muscles in their arms. This strength seemed somehow fragile, though. Maybe that was because I could see another child there beside me, and sensed that no matter how strong a child is, it is terribly easy for us to be broken.

Eventually, the creature reached out a hand, and I touched it again. The fingers were still gentle. Nails shorter than mine, but more little rough areas of callous on the palms. Their face had a reassuring expression. They didn’t want to frighten me, even now, and I greatly appreciated that. They looked at my arm, not bleeding as much anymore. The creature carefully pushed the torn parts of my flesh together, attempting to close the wound. I didn’t know how to explain that wouldn’t work, as soon as they let go it would open again, but then I heard a ripping noise.

With their free hand, the creature was pulling off a shred of clothing. They already seemed to be torn and tattered in a few places. Once they had a section they considered to be the right size, the creature wrapped the fabric around my arm, tying it in a way that kept the wound closed, but still loose enough that it wasn’t uncomfortable. My other scratches weren’t as severe, thankfully. The creature still wanted to check me over, just in case. I have to admit, I was no longer worried about this creature trying to trick me in some way.

As they fussed over me, I was suddenly filled with a funny feeling of delight. I had been saved by a being from another world! They had gone to great trouble to help me, and were still concerned with my safety. Just as I didn’t have the words to describe depression, I didn’t have the words for how I felt right there. Many years later, I would learn the word “enchanting”. I had gone from feeling neglected, to desperate and forlorn, to incredibly lucky all within a single day.

What made me so special, to find myself in this moment? Still no answer for that, but maybe that’s alright. You never know when something special will happen. It doesn’t matter how old you are, either. Life does whatever it wants.

I was also falling in love with this creature, just a little bit. Perhaps not seriously, considering I was very young, and we had only just met, after all. Still, it was a very big feeling, and I had never felt anything quite like it before. They had rescued me, and were now caring for me with genuine kindness. How could I not fall in love?

When the creature was satisfied I was alright, they settled down again, sitting closer this time. As I watched them look out across the water, a new expression of utter despair filled their face. It occurred to me that the creature was alone, just like I was. Had they also left their home, and now couldn’t return? I thought about the objects that sunk into the sea. I’ve never been that close to anything like it before, but I’ve seen strange things made of metal and other material come down from the surface before. Some are very old, but others more recent. Stories told the creatures from this upper world make large structures for themselves that float on water. Some of them have loud, dangerous blades that slice through anything that touches them. That must have been what sunk before.

Now the creature had no way to move through the water without trying to swim, which wasn’t an easy task for them. We were also pretty far away from other cliffs and hills that reached above the ocean, so I doubted their home was nearby. The creature might have also lost their entire family when those objects sunk. Everything went down, deep into the water. They drowned. I was safe, but what about this creature? Who would find them? Who would help them?

I wished I could. I wanted to.

I tried to say that, telling them “I don’t know who you are, or what happened to you, but you saved me. Thank you for that. Do you know where your home is? Please, tell me how to help you,”

The creature’s attention was back on me, curious and confused. They made new noises, and it was clear we had different languages. We couldn’t understand each other with words, but… I thought about how they had communicated wanting to help me with their face and movements. I tried to do that.

I clasped one of their hands with my own, and brought it over to touch my injured arm, then pressed the hand to my chest, while smiling.

You helped me. Thank you.

They smiled back, and seeing the joy in that smile, I fell a little more in love. Yes, foolish and childish, but forgive me. I was foolish and a child.

I moved our hands toward the creature, until it touched their chest. My other hand, with the arm that had been bandaged, reached out to touch the same spot on their arm, above the elbow. They had no injury there, but I hoped I was clear.

I want to help you now.

The creature made a sound, almost like when they burst through the water earlier. Their head bent forward a little, and I saw their shoulders shake. They were crying. I had done the same, many times in my life. I knew how it looked, and how it felt. They leaned forward, just a bit, and the creature let me hold them in an embrace. We were different beings from different worlds, but we were also two children that were hurt, and lost, and alone. So, we understood enough to try and comfort each other. They might have just lost their whole family. Even though mine made me sad and angry, I would not want to lose any of them.

Thinking of my family made me wish I could communicate how I felt with them like this. I wished we could all comfort each other, find a way to understand each other. Two different creatures who had only known each other for an hour and didn’t speak the same language were figuring it out. Maybe there was hope with my family.

Soon, the creature took a deep breath, calming down. They briefly squeezed their arms around me, just a bit tighter, before moving away. It was a physical sign of gratitude. Now they looked like they were trying to think of what to do next.

The creature could see the area better thanks to the moon, and they motioned to me that they needed to find a safe place to rest. I watched in awe as they rose upward, using the two lower limbs to move. Now it was plain to see why the ends of those limbs were shaped differently than the hands. It was for balance, and the creature was much better at using the limbs out of the water. It moved along the sandy hill, and I followed from the shallows of the waves. Things had also washed up in the sand, objects that must have come from the same structure as… I felt bad, thinking of the one who saved me as a “creature”. We didn’t know each other well yet, but I decided to call this individual my friend. At least, to myself. We could try to find shared words to call ourselves later.

[hexalt]

Now let’s see how to step back and ask the right questions that can free you from the emotionally immature person’s distortion field of being more important than you are.

Assess Their Urgency

Emotionally immature people exaggerate everything. Like small children, every frustration or insult is the end of the world. They are like the boy who cried wolf; you don’t know whether to believe them or not. That is why it’s so important not to blindly accept their completely self-focused view of their situation. It’s up to you to clarify the reality of things. Otherwise, you will be swept up in one drama after another, all seemingly urgent and desperate. For self-protection, it pays to assess the reality of the situation and put their distorted views into perspective.

The first step in doing this is to resist the desperate urgency that usually accompanies an emotionally immature person's pleas. You don’t have to exaggerate and distort along with them, and you certainly don’t have to accept their twist on the facts. You are free to back up and look at their situation objectively or run it by a third party. Be sure to pin down the emotionally immature person for specifics: it’s possible things aren’t as urgent as they seem. Given their emotional distortions, should you be taking their word for the true magnitude of their problem?

Get Some Distance and Analyze the Problem

Don’t forget that in any crisis, there is much that emotionally immature people haven’t considered because of their many distortions and fears. When faced with a serious problem, they panic. In their mind, the only answer is that someone must save them. They want you to jump in and join them in their black hole of desperation, followed by miraculously making it all better.

It’s up to you to decide what level of response from you makes sense, independent of the emotionally immature person's pressure and wildfire emotions. What’s the level of actual need, if any? You have to be the one who examines this because they won’t. The proper response to any of their emergencies is not to jump in, but to step back and assess realities first.

Some emotionally immature people will get huffy if you want to analyze things instead of immediately acquiescing. They are especially likely to feel betrayed if you suggest that their reactions might be causing some of their problems. They make it an issue of lack of love if you don’t agree straightaway to give them what they want. But you still can tell them you’re not sure their impulsive solution is the best answer, and because they’re asking for your help, you want to take time to think out other possible solutions with them.

If they refuse this, they are promoting the greatest distortion of all: that you don’t matter as much as they do. Fortunately, you don’t have to accept this offer of a skewed, one-sided relationship. You are under no obligation to put another adult’s needs ahead of your own. Explain that you don’t proceed with anything without thinking about it, and let them know you’d be happy to talk later if they’d be willing to take your needs into consideration too.

Questions to Ask Yourself When in the Midst of an Emotional Takeover Attempt

What is the reality (not just what they’re telling you)?

What are verifiable facts of the situation?

What’s the seriousness of the crisis? Is it an emergency? For whom?

Is their request the best solution to the problem?

Could they solve it themselves once they calm down?

Should this be your responsibility?

By asking yourself these questions, you can assess whether it is a true crisis or an emotional takeover dressed up to look like one.

Identify Whether You Really Have an Obligation

When emotionally immature people have a crisis, they make you feel obligated to help. This is the first stage of their emotional takeover: their problem is your problem. If you hesitate and want to think things through, they essentially react with, “I can’t believe you’re not doing this for me in my time of need!” But your job, in the face of this implied accusation, is to step back and ask yourself whether you really do have an obligation, under these circumstances, with these events in play. Otherwise, you will be yielding to a full emotional takeover by giving them the right to be the voice of your conscience.

No one but you has the right to define your obligation and duty in a relationship. The emotionally immature person's urgency implies that you have no choice. But of course you do. You are not a bad person for wanting to think it over or to look for ways to help without sacrificing your own well-being. Remember to ask yourself: Is it an emergency? Is this the best solution? Is this my responsibility? You have the right to examine for yourself all the things they think you should do. Clarify everyone’s responsibilities by considering: What’s me, what’s them, and what—if anything—is really an obligation?

When you start feeling compelled by duty or obligation, ask yourself who’s suggesting that and why. There can’t be only one acceptable option—not when two or more people are involved. By working together, you two could figure out something that works for both of you. Ask yourself, as Byron Katie (2002) suggests, Is this “obligation” you feel an absolute, cosmic truth? Rational inquiry will reveal that one emotionally immature person's opinion isn’t the only way to look at things.

Step Back from Enabling Them

Enabling is when you rescue people from the repeated consequences of their own actions or do things for them that they could do on their own. Enabling weakens the resourcefulness of the other person because you continue to make yourself the answer to their problems. You are agreeing with them that their problem is impossible for them to deal with by themselves. Enabling offers the emotionally immature person the right to take over your life.

When emotionally immature people are caught up in their distortion fields, they panic and may not be able to see alternatives. This isn’t because the alternatives alternatives aren’t there; it’s because they don’t give themselves enough time to see them. Because emotionally immature people rush through everything, you’ll feel pressured to jump in immediately. But when you intervene too quickly, it confirms their belief that someone else needs to figure it out for them. This reinforces their alarmed and demanding reactivity.

It’s amazing, given their urgency, but sometimes if you don’t get back to emotionally immature people right away, the problem resolves itself. It’s not unusual that you might still be worrying about an emotionally immature person's crisis, only to find out later the emotionally immature person had already moved on, gone to sleep, or found something else to make them feel better. It’s good to remember that, by definition, any emergency seen from inside a distortion field might be distorted.

Just remember, you have the right to take your time and consider whether you really want to help or not. You don’t have to let yourself be coerced into helping against your better judgment.

Decide Beforehand What You Are Willing to Give

Think in advance about what you are willing to commit to: under what circumstances would you intervene, and when would you not? This should be a detailed, thoughtful exercise, made far in advance of the next call on your assistance. Have some idea of your acceptable limits before you enter their distortion zone.

For instance, you might be okay with paying their rent one month, but only if you give the money directly to the landlord. Or you might be willing to assist, but only after they’ve done some things to help themselves. Those decisions should come from you, and you have every right to ask questions about their situation and not accept their assessment at face value. You might be able to suggest other forms of help they can’t see from inside their distortion field.

In another example, an older couple had spent thousands of dollars trying to get their addicted son straight and employed. He had stolen from them yet kept asking for one more loan. The couple finally stepped back and assessed how much they were willing to give in the future and under what conditions. They thought about all kinds of dire scenarios that could arise and drew lines over how far they’d go. Then they were ready when their son later suggested that maybe he could just move in with them. They already knew that his lifestyle would not fit their retirement situation. Their health and marriage took precedence. They weren’t vulnerable to his emotional takeover or coercion because they had thought things out in advance.

— Lindsay C. Gibson, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy.

[heartshattering]

/// venting, past SA mention

Stress is wrecking my sleep again, I really wish I could just feel okay but there's always so much spinning around in my mind. The problems I'm going through with my friend are hitting me harder than I thought, like I had all these annoyances bubbling inside of me and it's only now that she's gotten even more irritating that they're finally starting to surface and I'm questioning why we even stay friends. We don't have any common interests anymore, she's rude all the time and says things that are discouraging or flat-out dismissive.

If I open up to her about issues specifically related to one of my disorders, she'll be like "People without ADHD go through that too, it's not your ADHD causing that issue! :)" or "Oh I do the same thing and I don't have BPD! *proceeds to tell me about an incredibly mild form of mirroring she does which isn't nearly as severe as what I literally just described to her*".

It's been years already but I hate that she told the person who SA'd me after rejecting them that maybe I would "change my mind" about them and date them in the future. Told me I should have given them another chance. And didn't stick up for me at all during a conversation with them where they were putting me down and saying things like I was wrong and immature for not forgiving them and that I'm going to be alone forever.

This guy (not her current bf but one she was interested in for a while) used to call me crazy and a liar for being mentally ill and she always sided with him too. And there's been other examples too, the only time she sides with me is when I'm talking about my mom but in pretty much every other instance she takes the other person's side and acts like I'm just mean/crazy/unforgiving or whatever.

She's weird about my ethnicity too like asking me "Why don't you put biracial on forms?" or "Why don't you identify with your dad's background?" when I literally haven't been in my dad's hometown since I was a kid/don't have contact with anyone on that side of the family except him.

She flat-out told me "Your life is never going to get any better" (lol) and tries to pressure me all the time even knowing how difficult my life situation is and how it's unrealistic for me to pull some stupid stunt like running away from home or calling the police on my parents and all the other "advice" she gives me while knowing that would just make things worse and send me into a breakdown/spiral (which has happened before). But everyone loves to see drama break out I suppose so this would just be another "show" for her, it's just like when I was in that shitty support group where this lady tried to get me to check into a homeless shelter as a way to hide from my aunt and my mom.

Honestly I'm just so sick of dealing with her. I feel bad because she's done really kind and thoughtful things for me before, it just feels like the bad things are what are at the forefront of my mind right now. But I feel like I've been way too lenient when it comes to some of her comments and behavior towards me, most recently this new bullshit where she wants to use me for money and keeps saying things like "I'd understand if you were poor but I know you can pay for it" and thinking that just because I did one nice/expensive thing for her, now I have to do similar things all the time.

[wisdominfumbling]

Taking accountability over actions.

My parents have always told me life is all about making desitions and hopefully making the right ones.. Now my dad specifically tells me that more importantly life is about making the wrong ones and learning from that. Learning from the pain, the suffering, the shame, the loneliness, the anxiety and so much more. At frist I didn´t understand when he would say that

¿Why would my own father want me experiencing those feelings?

Later on in life I have found the answer, cause he loves me and he wants me to be happy and life a full life, be a complete woman and in order for me to be that I have to have awful days and weeks, hopefully not months and years but you never know. Now I thought I knew what heartache felt like, a breakup, love related feelings but the truth is I have never been in love, never felt true relationship like love, out of my mind Romeo and Juliet love. I know guys have I´ve been with have felt that for me but I have never been able to reciprocate. ¿Why? I have a short (but still important) list of reasons:

Im immature, somehow I still believe in the perfect guy. tall, handsome (not pretty), smart, loyal, funny, pro family, respectful, athelic, good in bed, manly. And I blame my dad for that, he has always shown me that I deserve the world and the best and that everyone is replaceable and when someone doesn´t fit into one of those requirements I should leave. now the problem is that it really shouldn´t be like that. Im not telling you to settle for something lower but I am saying that some things can be fixed and you should focus on the core of the person. most important is that they have to be loyal, tall, pro family, have a job and respectful. the rest can be altered, I can style him better, cut his hair different, send him to the gym, show him tricks in bed. not so important things but the core should be top requirements for a boyfriend.

I only know how to obsess with guys, dont know how to love them.

Im scared of commitment, Im terrified of telling them everything and then im this vulnerable person and they´ll maybe do the same to me.

Im insecure, physically. im always gonna be comparing to other women specially the cute, thin, blonde ones. I always find them more feminine, prettier.

If there are more reasons.. i forgot them.

The point is, due to those reasons im not able to be in a relationship only situationships work until they start getting serious and i dip or do something to fuck everything up. And thats exactly what i did, if i can give you good and simple advice.. DO NOT DATE YOUR FRIENDS FRIENDS.. EVER. yes it can go really well but it also can go REALLY bad. and you dont want to go there, im telling you.

I was going out with my boy bestfriend´s friend, all good, he had more interest in me than i had in him, he asked me out we went out a couple times on dates, i stayed over at his house, all good (kinda, im not gonna get into the werid stuff that pulled me away) but even after i posted him on my story and people saw us out and about, i still got some dms of guys i used to talk to (and fuck) wanting to see me and stuff. This specific guy im kinda obsessing with dmed me and we talked. my situationship saw and yeah. so basically im a cheater, i fucked up and its been like a month and a half and i still cant get over it. i have so much guilt evenm tho my friends forgave me ? and told me i had nothing to worry about i still worry. i feel bad. i saw this great guy that cared for me, crying in his bed, asking me again and again why did i do it and i just didnt have a good honest answer to give him cause honestly i would end up causing more damage.

A month and a half and already fucked another person, I have been on a couple dates but i just cant seem to replace him yet. which is funny cause when we were a thing it seemed pretty easy to replace him. im also lazy cause if i wanted to be with the guy im obsessing with i could just take the metro and be there in a hour. maybe i feel guilty about seeing him too. fuck i feel guilty about seeing my friends too. i have only told three friends, my bestie that i called him the same day it happened and he helped me out a little but hes a guy so he didnt get it as much, my other guy friend and he was sweeter and told me to not worry and that everyone fucks up at a certain time but as long as i knew that it was wrong it was okay and that he had done much worse, and my other friend shes a girl so she understood better and was very sweet about it, i think they´re being sweet with me is because im the youngest and they can see the shame and the regret in my face everytime they see me.

I know that i shouldve been more straightforward and direct and just told him that i could not give him a relationship at the moment but i just didnt wanna lose on any side. i wanted to have him while having another other and not having any kind of limitation or whatever. I understand thats not how life works but sometimes i fool myself into believing that the universe loves me so mcuh that i get this "im gonna look the other way" treatment. i hope i can feel better now and start moving on with my life, i cannot be stuck on this for any longer. i know he is not stuck and i also know that we will see each other eventually and i want him to see me normal, even if i was the one that fucked up i dont want him to see me that affected.

[xwedayi]

SVT SCOUPS and Jun Tarot

DISCLAIMER:

These are interpersonal tarot readings of seventeen members FOR FUN. These are literally just for me and I don’t expect anyone to take this seriously. Also, I don’t know everything about tarot but I know enough. These are my interpretations of the readings.

I also do these readings to practice so take them with a grain of salt. This is my hobby so if u disagree with me just know I really dgaf.

Deck: The Dreamkeepers Tarot Deck by Liz Huston

Reading done on both 12/06/22 and 3/07/23

Warning: Long post!!!!! I poured everything from my brain into both readings.

12/06/22

Overall Relationship:

rev. Ten of Pentacles

rev. Empress as elaboration card

✩ They have quite a complicated relationship. I'm getting the feeling they do not see eye to eye on a lot of things. Their relationship with each other is quite insecure (rev 10oP) that must have resulted from an unhealthy codependence (rev Empress). They've gotten to a point where things are not working out between them no matter the situation.

Jun in Scoup's eyes:

rev. Emperor

✩ Scoups sees Jun as someone who is immature. He has everything he needs to take full responsibility (of what...? I'm not sure. maybe his life? I could see SC being upset that Jun is not living his life to its fullest potential).

Scoups in Jun's eyes:

Death

rev Wheel of Fortune and rev King of Pentacles as collaborating cards

✩ Jun is or has witnessed Scoups go through a big transition (Death) and it has impacted the way he views Scoups. I think his constant stream of bad luck (rev WoF -- when you think negatively, negativity find you) forced Scoups to confront what has been setting him off and he needed to make some big changes. He needed to confront his fear of failure (rev KoP) and how he was always playing it safe.

ANOTHER DRAW (The energy felt off an I just needed to confirm)

Justice

Four of Cups as elaboration

✩ Jun had to see/feels that Scoups needs to answer the universe. "Universe" here can mean to himself, the people around him, his environment, his world, everything that makes up Scoups's universe. 4oC tells me that Scoups might've had an apathetic attitude (a type of apathy that comes from constantly having to face hardships) that caused problems. He needs/needed to understand that his behaviour directly affected his members and everything around him (the Universe). I think his behaviour affected Jun in particular.

✮ NOTES:

✮ My second draw for Jun's POV of Scoups was basically the same as the first draw just expressed with different cards. Jun understands that Scoups needs/needed to answer for his behaviour and that affected the way Jun saw Scoups. It seems to be related to Scoups's habit of being really hard on himself and that materializing as a form of apathy on the outside. ✮ Very strong, male personalities. We have the Emperor and King of Pentacles. We also have very authoritative figures like Justice and Death. It seems their relationship is really strained right now. ✮ The co-dependency part is interesting. Who relied on who more? The cards have a really familiar feeling to them. The problems between them only happened because they know each other so well and they know what the other needs to do to overcome their faults. It's just that their masculine stubbornness gets in the way LOL. ✮ This whole reading felt like observing a severed bond from two people that had a sincere and special connection.

3/07/23

Overall Relationship:

rev. Hanged Man

Three of Swords as elaboration

✩ Someone in the relationship felt they were giving everything and received nothing back (rev. Hanged Man). Despite the issue being brought up many times, there was an inability to change their behaviour (rev. Hanged Man). This lead to a break up (3oS). The person who broke off the relationship most likely felt hurt, betrayed, and really lonely.

Did SC cause the grief?

rev. Knight of Swords

yes

✩ rev KnoS often represents a person who intentionally causes turmoil to others. I think the reason why SC embodied rev KnoS was due to how he saw himself.

How does SC feel now after everything:

rev Nine of Swords

rev Knight of Swords (i'm interpreting this as representing SC himself) and rev Nine of Pentalces as elaboration cards

✩ He is trying to let go of all the negativity left behind (rev 9oS) though he feels intense guilt for what happened (rev 9oS). He felt insecure of himself in the relationship (rev 9oP), which caused him to embody rev KnoS (I'm still iffy about this part of the interpretation). He is trying to come to terms with his self-worth and is trying to improve himself (rev 9oP). He is realizing he has everything needed to become a better person and ask for more.

How does Jun feel after everything?

rev Ace of Cups

The Lovers as elaboration

✩ I think Jun feels very tired. The loss of love in the relationship is making him reflect on his actions and also making himself closed off to everything (rev. AoC). It seems like he's repressing his emotions. Although I do feel like he wants things to work out in the future. Through his self-reflection, Jun may be finding that he is willing to let SC back in again to work on their relationship (Lovers). He really wants to be with SC again but is blocking those feelings off to protect himself.

(everything beyond this point is just completely self-indulgent. Chismosavirus got me bad.)

What was SC like in the relationship?

Empress

Magician

rev. Ten of Pentacles.

✩ Seems like SC's leadership tendencies shined in their friendship. He was nurturing (Empress) and constantly output energy (Magician) that motivated both of them to accomplish their goals. However, he was quite rash and unstable at times (rev 10oP) which greatly confused Jun

And what was Jun like?

Six of Cups

rev. Nine of Swords

rev. Eight of Swords

✩ Jun was very childlike -- not the annoying type but childlike in the sense that he was innocent and naive (6oC) in the relationship. And also very pure. But, rev. 8oS suggests that he feels he was exiting a period of oppression and is gaining a new perspective on things (probably after the breakup). rev. 9oS suggests he was often affected by SC's deteriorating mental health and it weighed him down heavily. He constantly had that positive and childlike outlook on life despite everything.

✮ NOTES

✮ Well. ✮ LOTS OF CUPS AND SWORDS. A crazzzyyyy amount of (mostly) Air and Water energy, Things were all over the place. Emotions EVERYWHERE. I know Jun was stressed as hell LMAOOOO ✮ THE NUMBER NINE constantly showed up. Nine symbolizes completion of a cycle. This further proves that they really broke up omfg.... It also means going right back to the beginning! The whole point of ending a cycle is to start anew. There is hope if they want to start again. And I'm getting the feeling they already have started. ✮ Jesus fucking Christ their relationship is so complex. ✮ Everything about this reading corresponds with my previous reading. Except! I got the feeling Jun was causing most of the problems back then. Now, I think I felt hostile energy from Jun because he was most likely standing up for himself and the relationship. He was just defending himself. Everything else is the same. I love tarot I really do.

[rachelbethhines]

60 Years of Doctor Who Anniversary Marathon - McCoy 9th Review

Question Mark Pyjamas - Short Story

The Virgin Decalogs were kind of a precursor to the Short Trips of today. An anthology series that at first focused on Doctor Who, that then went on to feature the Expand Who Universe, and finally focusing on original works with no connection to the series.

This is because Vrigin lost the publishing license for Who after the TV movie. More on that later.

Question Mark Pyjamas is the final story in the second Decalog "Lost Property". The recurring theme of this anthology is all the random properties the Doctor acquires through out his travels... houses, land, condos, boats, hotels... ect.

It's an odd theme, but I haven't read the entire book yet so I can't tell you how well it works as a whole, but I can tell you that said theme is front and center within the short story I'm reviewing today.

A house the Doctor owns is stolen by a alien conman looking to set up a theme park on an asteroid. The Doctor and his companions are held hostage and forced to become a side show attraction for the park. They must quite literally 'play house' and pretend to be a 'normal' earth family for the constantly viewing audience.

I probably make the story sound way cooler than it actually is with that summary.

In reality the narrative has a very slow first half, an awkward middle, and doesn't really come together until the very end.

Part of the problem is that the Tardis crew just kind of stumbles onto the theme park and discovers the stolen house by shear coincidence. They then get captured by the villain when they try to confront him.

Rather than making the very comedic villain an unstoppable force to be reckoned with, it instead just makes our heroes look weak... especially Ace who is supposed to be combat hardened by this point.

Also they aren't forced to preform for a live audience, but are made to 'rehearse' for the villain who never shuts up.

The tension of the story is basically downgraded.

But that's alright, this is intended to be a lighthearted comedy piece.

Except it's not particularly funny.

A lot of the jokes fall flat for me. Mainly cause it only seems to have one joke.

Two foul mouthed, 'modern' women are forced to perform sanitized outdated stereotypes that they hate, and they won't shut up about how much they hate it, but quite literally won't do anything about it with out the Doctor's permission. Hardy, har, har...

Oh and the Doctor makes a weird, out of character, sex joke at some point.

Finally, I just hate how everyone is written through out most of it.

It's like I'm walking into middle of on going argument between a poly group that I have no context for.

Why is everyone in the tardis crew so rude and bitchy to each other at the beginning? What's up with all the awkward innuendoes between them? Why has Ace regressed as a character despite supposedly being older now?

Yeah that's the real disappointment here. I know the NAs had nothing to do with the Professor and Ace audios, but it's still disappointing to go from one story where she shows actual character development to another story where she's even more immature than she was on tv.

Like the character's main conflict in the story is that despite being in her 20s now, Ace is forced to play 'the child' for the attraction. Except she is childish.

She's rude, bratty, calls her own supposed friends names behind their backs, paranoid, self-centered and more concerned with 'having fun' then actually rescuing her friends.

The narrative makes a point to say that she's 'a woman now' and 'old before her time' but then has her behaving like a spoiled 13 year old.

But it's not all bad.

As I said, things pick up as we head towards then end. After Ace decides to remove the stick up her butt and help out, we get several cute scenes.

Ace escaping the house on a motorbike, driving through the amusement park with killer robots chasing after her, laughing all the way, is just unfiltered concentrated Who.

The Doctor and Benny cooking lunch together is adorable, and I love the pay off at the end regarding the roast.

And Benny's pure joy at getting to raid the Doctor's wine cellar full of antique alcohols from around the universe is perhaps the most realized the character has ever been to me.

Like counting this one, I've only read/heard three stories with Benny in total and the character never really clicked for me until this moment. Where she's cradling a wine bottle like a baby and cooing at it, going on and on about how much she's going to enjoy drinking it.

That's hilarious.

Hopefully that humor follows her into the Benny spin-off series which we'll be covering next.

[xmiisuki]

Venus did not forgive Umi but okay. Instead of just apologizing and deleting both one shots and fic Umi only deleted one shots and points fingers at others. Don't you think is kinda fked up that she's trying to shift attention? This is the first time I've seen fandom straight up allowing someone like Umi to continue having her space but whatever. I'm not from this fandom anyway. Just leave RE fandom alone and stop stealing from us.

Hi anon, thanks for coming up to my inbox as I already knew and expected the toxicity or the regardless issues will not stop afterward from Umi's Public Statement. 💜

If author Venus whether or not she forgives Umi, that is okay. It is up to her as a person as she has that control and power to forgive. I know very well she was hurt for this plagiarism situation. I completely sympathize how she felt, I acknowledged this already cause I've been there and done that in her position before. She has every right to express her anger, to hate, to dislike, to block, to shoutout like every person can report and warn her readers about it. She's valid to be upset and I hope her anger won't stick too long due it is so stressful enough to think. I give my best wishes for her to be a successful and noticeable great fanfiction author that she deserves with Zombie as well too. Plagiarism ruins people, and we can't move on from it. However, we can learn from it to do better. The damages is already done.

You also have the right to feel angry, frustrated too as I can tell the aura. But I hope you come to understand that most authors either fanfiction or not in 90% of the time, these authors never took the accountability and took their silenced selfishly. That hurts a lot more than seeing an author like Umi who has bravery enough to speak her accusations and faults here. If you truly believe Umi only made that statement for bringing attentions, then it is okay because that's where you want you to believe and take your stands are. Umi deleted their works because she already stated in her public post that the writing doesn't belong to her, and right away give credits to those OG fanfic authors aka Zombie and Venus. She'd now been tagged as red-flagged, so she accepted that. What more do you want from this Umi author other than taking down the plagiarised work; gave credentials to the rightful owners and tries privately to speak to them; accepted the accountability of wrongdoings; letting the readers know they have the option to remove their username taglist for the next update; learn from now that she won't steal anymore; receive another hateful/death threats nonstop despite her public post posted? Have other fanfic authors also were caught red-handed, make a statement for taking the accountability of their wrongdoings right after too? Not all of them I believe, though most won't be transparent who they are.

It really is fcked up situation to steal other people's work, but you know what's more fcked up? Death threats. Encouraging suicides. Name callings. Tons of Anonymous people in your inbox. All these things don't align to point out the problem. It's a cyberbullying act. That's because someone doesn't like the author's work due for any reasons like mischaracterized the character from the canon, and it was plagiarized. It doesn't mean you have to harassed that author. It is not too hard to send a DM to the author and be mature enough to tell them straight out saying "Hey ____, I realized your work is so similar to the other fanfics I've read in a different fandom. Could you just take it down? It upsets me." Be transparent what you think you've read. Not calling them out in a death sentence. It was an immature act for those kind of people, it doesn't help to solve the problem peacefully.

Regards about the fandoms, anon, every fandom has its own toxicity and each fanbase brings the worst things ever in the community no matter what. Love and Deepspace fandom has been toxic, of course, I'd only been in the game for 6 months. And... I don't understand your last statement to leave your RE fandom alone? What crime did I commit to steal in the RE fandom? I don't get it. Maybe I've read it wrong. I'm not the author to steal someone's work. 🤷‍♀️ I used to be in RE fandom when I was young with my good time friend lol. The RE fandom is amazing and entertaining just as many fandoms are, but each brings the worst toxic stuff so it never surprises me.

At the end of the day, what's done is done. Please don't overstress yourself, anon, time is the only answer to move on. Same goes to everyone who was effected by the situation.

[oat-malk]

i've been trying to articulate why exactly i'm not comfortable conversing with/following minors online, and i think it boils down to:

the kind of things you talk to your friends about doesn't really change with age. when you turn 18, you don't suddenly start talking about Adult Things any more than you would have as a kid. it's the same. your interests might change with age and your priorities in life might reshuffle as you get more responsibilities, but the conversations you have with your friends don't really look any different.

and when you're a young adult, and you're not used to being a Real Adult, you don't get the "wow what a youngster! look at that young baby!" response when you see teenagers going about their day. you don't feel much different at 21 than you do when you're 16. you have to consciously remind yourself that you're not just like them anymore, that at some point in the last few years, you gained Actual Societal Power over the people you're used to seeing as your equals.

it takes a conscious mental effort to remain aware of and careful with that power imbalance. when i was a teenager i could talk to other teenagers about my problems, my love life, school/studies - because we were equals. and suddenly we're not equals anymore and i have to pass everything i say through another filter.

friendship to me is about equality. you listen to each other, help each other out, provide support - as well as obviously hanging out and having fun and joking around. but i don't want emotional support from a teenager. i don't want to complain about my job and my family to a teenager. doing so has the potential to cause real harm; doing emotional labour for someone who you aren't on equal footing with can be traumatic (i know from personal experience). and let's be real, most of the jokes i make with my friends, i also would not want to make around a teenager. i'm just not capable of having a fulfilling friendship with a kid because being a Safe Adult To Be Around requires that i zip my mouth and not talk to them anything like how i talk to my friends.

i can't be friends with a kid, and i don't want to parent/mentor anyone, and i'm much more inclined to spend my social energy on talking to people my age than i am on figuring out how to appropriately reply to some teenager's DM. it's mentally draining at best, and at worst it has the capacity to do measurable damage or get someone in trouble.

additionally, i'm queer + trans + most commonly read as a man, which means that right-wingers already think i'm a groomer. i'm also awkward and autistic and i don't know how to gracefully tell people that i'm not comfortable talking to them without my boundaries coming across as optional. the only way i can effectively enforce my boundaries is to block/softblock/ghost the other person and move on.

i get that it's hurtful when you're a teen and it feels like no adults other than your teachers and family care to talk to you - it's like everyone thinks you're too immature for them. i felt the same frustration when i was a kid and i didn't understand why my age was such a huge issue to the adults i tried to speak to online. but it's really not about you and it's not personal; it's that adults can't relax around you because they have to be in Responsible Mode whenever a kid is nearby.

that's not to say that kids and adults shouldn't share spaces - that's kind of how being in public works, after all. if you're in a communal space, like a park or out on the street, we absolutely *should* be in Responsible Mode because children have as much right to be there as we do. but we also deserve a safe, comfortable, private place where we can unwind and be ourselves and control who we interact with.

i understand that social media isn't completely private, and minors can stumble upon anything i post online. but with features like blocking and muting, i do have some control over who is allowed in my online social circle, and i can flag/censor content so that kids will only see it if they first acknowledge i didn't put it there for them. the internet is not a public place in the same way that the local park is - i can't boot you across the lawn if you approach me in-person, but i can block you if you interact with something nsfw on my blog. i can make my profile an adults-only space and if a kid wanders in then i have the power to remove them to retain my comfort and privacy.

idk. this was a long post. i hope it makes sense. i remember feeling very sad and angry as a kid because it felt like adults never wanted me around and i didn't get why, and i took personal offense to it. i hope if any minor does read this, it helps them to understand. it can be a very stressful argument to have because it's so easily misinterpreted. and i haven't seen very many adults try to explain the reasons why in full detail.

[a-little-nerdy-dude-with-wings]

"Millennials and Gen Z are waiting until their late 20s and early 30s to say “I do.”

I've seen this statement be the headline for many articles over the past 10 years.

However in my case it is the most untrue fact I've ever been told as I've just come across the sixth engagement announcement from someone my age this week.

And it seems that with each announcement, the person in question grew more and more related to me, the last being two of my friends and roomates from university.

This was obviously an engagement I knew would happen one day but I just didn't expect it so soon, especially during a period where everyone I know is either getting engaged, married or having a baby.

This very same week my eldest brother has had his third child and my other elder brother is sorting out the last of his wedding preparations.

Meanwhile what am I doing? Well... I attended comic con dressed as Roman Roy yesterday and bought yet another funko pop? And today I watched and read Bridgerton non-stop. So yeah, I'm doing jusssst great.

I used to consider the headline of this rant a comfort. I used to take the analogy that with me being 24, I'm not even in my "first season of friends" yet and that I have plenty of time. There's no rush!

And yet everyone I know and mostly people younger than me seem to either have a house, a child or a lifelong partner.

Whilst I'm in my room in my parents house, surrounded by my scattered clothes on the floor.

It doesn't help that I've been watching so much Bridgerton, as me being four and twenty and approaching five and twenty has sparked the fear of early spinsterhood amidst this engagement boom that seems to be happening in my social circles.

But it's not like I'm not trying.

I have been dating, it just hasn't been going very well.

I try the dating apps, but usually the guy might be somewhat good looking, but have no personality. Or the guy seems alright but then bombards you non-stop with text messages. And then they ghost you/break things off when they get bored.

One guy asked me how I spent my new years eve three separate times in the same conversation. Wanting my attention all the time and yet not listening to what I'm saying at all. He broke things off the next day.

But things might be looking up, I've started seeing this guy who is honestly the most handsome man I've ever gone on a date with. He's also the best kiss I've ever had.

But he can be a bit forward in his texts and I worry that as I'm not quite like that, he'll get put off or bored. I worry that once I tell him that my string of bad luck with guys and you know, the isolation that covid caused, means that I don't have much experience with intimacy, he'll take off.

I also worry that I'm not attracted to him at all and that my worries over everyone else figuring their lives out and watching way too many romantic dramas, has me being influenced into the idea of love, rather than actually being attracted to someone.

This has been my main problem with dating. They could be the nicest person ever and I think I like them, and then they reciprocate their feelings and suddenly I feel nothing.

For the past 6 years I've felt nothing and it kills me. I've entertained every possibility, am I not attracted to guys? Am I asexual? Demisexual? Is it my autism that affects things? Am I just scared of taking that next step of physical and emotional intimacy? Am I just feeling fomo? Am I emotionally unavailable/immature? Do I only like unattainable people such as fictional characters or actors/actresses? (believe me i've read the master doc and yet i still do not know)

I've felt love before and I'm desperate to feel it again. But I'm scared that with this new guy, who I think I had a nice time with and was so stunned by his beauty that I had to force myself to concentrate on what he was actually saying rather than just stare at his face,

I'm scared that it's just a delayed start to the neverending cycle and that soon enough, I'll be alone again whilst even more people get engaged.

Let's see how this goes.

But in the meantime, can people my age just stop with all the engagements? We've had quite enough in the past few weeks, you don't all need to do it at once.